MQ
V olume VIII Issue IV
February 6, 2002
University of California San Diego
In this issue: Tupac is dead, by Tupac Shakur.................page 11
A Valentine’s Day alternative.............page 6 The fall of the last remaining Communist stronghold in the U.S................page 2
News in brief: In expectation of Muir Referendum passage, MQ purchases bevy of high priced hookers, Fabregé eggs Al-Queda, anti-Americans lament Patriots’ victorious triumph No drugs purchased in United States since Super Bowl Thousands of depraved, life-long, drug addicts immediately kicked their habits Sunday, after learning their drug money may be supporting terrorism. An ad campaign alerting users to this shocking reality was aired during the Super Bowl and was so effective that most addicts have sworn off drugs until such time as their purchase will once again support the U.S. government.
Now with 10% more bitterness
UCSD A LITTLE BIT COOL By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor UC SAN DIEGO—Students attending Club Ritmo’s Friday night hip hop show were shocked to discover that UCSD was actually a little bit cool, university officials announced early Saturday morning. “This is good news,” said UCSD Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson. “Until this point, it has been the formal position of both the university’s administration and its students that there was nothing cool about UCSD whatsoever. I know it seems extraordinarily unlikely, but it’s beginning to appear as if that might change.” The event featured upcoming and cool hip hop act Xecutioners—as opposed to washed-up and uncool artists such as Coolio, Toné Loc or Robert Van Winkle—and many students came early to participate in and watch the surprisingly cool BBoy Battle. In the days since the show, popular notions that UCSD holds a very low spot on the cool-o-meter have been challenged, as many students have begun to share Watson’s optimism and surprise about UCSD’s future prospects for coolness. “We’re definitely a little less uncool today than we were before the show on Friday,” said attendee Brian Moss. “I mean, that
show was kinda’ cool. It was really weird—I mean, for a second I thought I was at UCLA.” “I don’t get it at all,” said another attendee. “I was at UCSD, and yet I saw b-boys both popping and locking. It was not uncool in the slightest. And it was at UCSD!” In attendance at the cool show at UCSD were many surprisingly attractive, well-dressed and socially unawkward students. “This stands in stark contrast to what we can typically expect,” said A.S. programming staff member Aaron Chung. “In the past few years, if anybody came to these events at all, they were usually ugly, uncool people, who would stand silently in the corner, lingering in the filth of their own poor dental hygiene. But that’s been changing. I wonder where all those students went...maybe to UC Davis?” Promotion of the recent idea that UCSD might be a little cool has not been limited to students. During the show, X-ecutioners DJ Mista Sinista prompted the crowd to “makes some noise,” and when they did, he responded, “yeah, ya’ll cool.” “When Sinista said that,” said Revelle second year Charles Benitez, “I knew that it would be one of the few nights in my UCSD career that I didn’t go home, drink alone, and ponder swallowing my shotgun. I mean, that was cool. Yeah.” The many students who were
photo by Mista Sinista
Like UCSD, this edited photo of the B-Boy Battle is a little bit cool.
not in attendance Friday night, expressed doubt that something cool had happened on UCSD’s historically uncool campus. Said Warren fifth year Roger Cohen, “Look,
San Diego to decimate Davis in softball Ag majors and hicks will get creamed at game Friday By Colin Parent Editor in Chief The UCSD women’s softball team is scheduled to defeat UC Davis Friday at RIMAC field.
As many UCSD students and publications have noticed, a rivalry has recently been developing between UCSD and Davis. Most commentators claim that the rivalry has sprung from both the
similarities in the two University of California campuses’ athletics programs and the fact that everyone enrolled at Davis didn’t get into UCSD. “I hate San Diego,” said Davis
Bush implicated in Enron scandal Hey, can you blame us America-hating, self-serving two-faced hypocrites for our optimism?
Falsified Quote:
“Yeah my parents did drugs, but they weren’t hippies. Hippies have ideals.” — My little brother
themq.com
I’ve been here five long and terrible years. Nothing cool has ever happened here, and nothing cool ever will. That much I learned my freshman year.”
photo by Laura Schniedwind
UCSD softball player Elisa Gonzales, seen here getting ready to kick the crap out of UC Davis.
softball player Jenny Lupus, who didn’t get into UCSD. “They’re so frickin’ smart and good looking.” Lupus, who planned to stay at the La Jolla Mariott, was asked to leave when she refused to check in without seven chickens and a milking goat. Davis team captain Marian Okano, who also didn’t get into UCSD, is excited to play her new rival. “I can’t wait to show those UCSD snobs what’s up. Those brainiacs are gonna get smashed.” Okano also added that she was “really, really dumb.” UCSD Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson, expressed his pleasure with the growing rivalry. “Competition is a healthy, normal part of an educational experience,” Watson said. “I certainly look forward to seeing UCSD demolish those retarded hayseeds.” “Davis isn’t so bad,” said Warren freshman Elisa Marie Gonzales. Gonzales, who plays on the UCSD softball team and is also active in numerous service-oriented student organizations, sympathized with the position of the Davis students. “You can’t really hate them,” she said. That’d be like hating your developmentally challenged sister.”