The MQ Volume 8 Issue 4

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MQ

V olume VIII Issue IV

February 6, 2002

University of California San Diego

In this issue: Tupac is dead, by Tupac Shakur.................page 11

A Valentine’s Day alternative.............page 6 The fall of the last remaining Communist stronghold in the U.S................page 2

News in brief: In expectation of Muir Referendum passage, MQ purchases bevy of high priced hookers, Fabregé eggs Al-Queda, anti-Americans lament Patriots’ victorious triumph No drugs purchased in United States since Super Bowl Thousands of depraved, life-long, drug addicts immediately kicked their habits Sunday, after learning their drug money may be supporting terrorism. An ad campaign alerting users to this shocking reality was aired during the Super Bowl and was so effective that most addicts have sworn off drugs until such time as their purchase will once again support the U.S. government.

Now with 10% more bitterness

UCSD A LITTLE BIT COOL By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor UC SAN DIEGO—Students attending Club Ritmo’s Friday night hip hop show were shocked to discover that UCSD was actually a little bit cool, university officials announced early Saturday morning. “This is good news,” said UCSD Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson. “Until this point, it has been the formal position of both the university’s administration and its students that there was nothing cool about UCSD whatsoever. I know it seems extraordinarily unlikely, but it’s beginning to appear as if that might change.” The event featured upcoming and cool hip hop act Xecutioners—as opposed to washed-up and uncool artists such as Coolio, Toné Loc or Robert Van Winkle—and many students came early to participate in and watch the surprisingly cool BBoy Battle. In the days since the show, popular notions that UCSD holds a very low spot on the cool-o-meter have been challenged, as many students have begun to share Watson’s optimism and surprise about UCSD’s future prospects for coolness. “We’re definitely a little less uncool today than we were before the show on Friday,” said attendee Brian Moss. “I mean, that

show was kinda’ cool. It was really weird—I mean, for a second I thought I was at UCLA.” “I don’t get it at all,” said another attendee. “I was at UCSD, and yet I saw b-boys both popping and locking. It was not uncool in the slightest. And it was at UCSD!” In attendance at the cool show at UCSD were many surprisingly attractive, well-dressed and socially unawkward students. “This stands in stark contrast to what we can typically expect,” said A.S. programming staff member Aaron Chung. “In the past few years, if anybody came to these events at all, they were usually ugly, uncool people, who would stand silently in the corner, lingering in the filth of their own poor dental hygiene. But that’s been changing. I wonder where all those students went...maybe to UC Davis?” Promotion of the recent idea that UCSD might be a little cool has not been limited to students. During the show, X-ecutioners DJ Mista Sinista prompted the crowd to “makes some noise,” and when they did, he responded, “yeah, ya’ll cool.” “When Sinista said that,” said Revelle second year Charles Benitez, “I knew that it would be one of the few nights in my UCSD career that I didn’t go home, drink alone, and ponder swallowing my shotgun. I mean, that was cool. Yeah.” The many students who were

photo by Mista Sinista

Like UCSD, this edited photo of the B-Boy Battle is a little bit cool.

not in attendance Friday night, expressed doubt that something cool had happened on UCSD’s historically uncool campus. Said Warren fifth year Roger Cohen, “Look,

San Diego to decimate Davis in softball Ag majors and hicks will get creamed at game Friday By Colin Parent Editor in Chief The UCSD women’s softball team is scheduled to defeat UC Davis Friday at RIMAC field.

As many UCSD students and publications have noticed, a rivalry has recently been developing between UCSD and Davis. Most commentators claim that the rivalry has sprung from both the

similarities in the two University of California campuses’ athletics programs and the fact that everyone enrolled at Davis didn’t get into UCSD. “I hate San Diego,” said Davis

Bush implicated in Enron scandal Hey, can you blame us America-hating, self-serving two-faced hypocrites for our optimism?

Falsified Quote:

“Yeah my parents did drugs, but they weren’t hippies. Hippies have ideals.” — My little brother

themq.com

I’ve been here five long and terrible years. Nothing cool has ever happened here, and nothing cool ever will. That much I learned my freshman year.”

photo by Laura Schniedwind

UCSD softball player Elisa Gonzales, seen here getting ready to kick the crap out of UC Davis.

softball player Jenny Lupus, who didn’t get into UCSD. “They’re so frickin’ smart and good looking.” Lupus, who planned to stay at the La Jolla Mariott, was asked to leave when she refused to check in without seven chickens and a milking goat. Davis team captain Marian Okano, who also didn’t get into UCSD, is excited to play her new rival. “I can’t wait to show those UCSD snobs what’s up. Those brainiacs are gonna get smashed.” Okano also added that she was “really, really dumb.” UCSD Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson, expressed his pleasure with the growing rivalry. “Competition is a healthy, normal part of an educational experience,” Watson said. “I certainly look forward to seeing UCSD demolish those retarded hayseeds.” “Davis isn’t so bad,” said Warren freshman Elisa Marie Gonzales. Gonzales, who plays on the UCSD softball team and is also active in numerous service-oriented student organizations, sympathized with the position of the Davis students. “You can’t really hate them,” she said. That’d be like hating your developmentally challenged sister.”


MQ

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February 6, 2002

Groundwork Books embraces capitalism By James Meeker Content Editor Groundwork Books, the student-run bookstore known for its welcoming embrace of leftist ideology, announced Thursday that it will be abandoning its socialist policies in favor of a more practical capitalist business strategy. “I just woke up one morning and thought, ‘Oh my God, this socialism bullshit is ridiculous’,” said John Hogan, former Groundwork employee and CEO of the newly restructured Groundwork Enterprises, Inc. “For years, Groundwork Books operated under the principles of a collective community, in which each person is able to take responsibility for his own actions, and make decisions in a non-hierarchical setting. In our naivete, we failed to see that this led to inefficiency, poor customer service, and abominable personal hygiene.” According to Hogan, Groundwork Enterprises, Inc.

will use the UCSD Bookstore as a model for its future business practices. “Ever since I started working at Groundwork, we fought against the oppressive corporatism of the UCSD Bookstore,” said Groundwork employee Shawna Rascon. “But when I actually went there, I was amazed at what I saw. It’s well lit and clean, and the books are organized so that it’s easy to find what you’re looking for. The cashiers are helpful and friendly, and the lines don’t wrap around the building. It’s a perfect example of how a bookstore should be run, and a sharp contrast to the mismanaged debacle that was Groundwork Books.” Not all of the employees of Groundwork Books view the restructuring in a positive light. “How could our brothers abandon their commitment to a socialist future,” lamented Aaron, former Groundwork employee and member of the New Indicator collective. “Together we marched down La Jolla Village Drive to protest the mistreatment of Columbian political dissidents. Together we congregated in

Things heard in line for Lord of the Rings

the Price Center, and chanted in unison to demand the release of Mumia Abu-Jamal. We even joined together to burn the writings of conservative authors David Horowitz and Dan Flynn, so that our beliefs could not be challenged by open debate on controversial topics. I just don’t understand how they could have strayed from their devotion to a liberal, if slightly close-minded, society.” While the primary reason for the corporatization of Groundwork Books was to increase efficiency and provide a better shopping experience for UCSD students, a desire to be free of radical social politics also influenced the decision, according to Hogan. “I went into Groundwork and looked at all the propaganda– posters of Che and Mandela and Mumia–and I just thought to myself, ‘Who gives a damn about these guys?’” said Hogan. “I’m tired of thinking that everything my government does is part of an intricate conspiracy to oppress its people. I’m tired of taking posi-

photo by James Meeker

Years of inefficency and filth have driven Groundwork Books to capitalism.

tions in controversies that I don’t really understand, or for people that I can’t really help. Do you really think Guatemalan farmers really care whether a bunch of spoiled, upper-middle class university students hold rallies to show their support? I’m tired of being a vegetar-

ian because ‘cows have feelings too.’ Jesus Christ, I want a cheeseburger, and I don’t care if they have to slash and burn a Brazilian rain forest to get it to me.” “Frankly,” added Hogan thoughtfully, “I’m just tired of being a dirty, dirty hippie.”

10. “I’m such a nerd.” 9. “ You’re such a ner d.” nerd.” 8. “It was better the fourth time.” 7. “I think I’v e had about .75 girlfriends.” I’ve vie I’m gonna go back tto o m 6. ““Af Af t er the mo movie myy parents’ basement, drink a flagon of mead and wallow in loneliness.” 5. ““Y You kno w what I lo er ything! I’m so fucking know lovv e about this trilogy? Ev Ever obsessed!” 4. “Steven Hawkins will totally come up with the grand unified m-theory of the universe.” 3. “God I’m ugly .” ugly.” 2. “I was so excited to see this movie I didn’t bathe for a week!” 1. “Just imagine, after two more movies, my life’s ambitions will be complete and I can finally swallow that shotgun.”

MQ Staff

Editor in Chief Chief.......................Colin Parent Managing Edit or Editor or......................Elijah Zarlin Cont ent Edit or ... Content Editor or... .................Jasmine de Lung Asst. Cont ent Edit or Content Editor or..................James Meeker Design Edit or Editor or...............................Liz Erwin Font Slut Slut...............................David Hughes Layout Bitch Bitch..................Laura Schniedwind Graphics Whore Whore......................Andy Collins Business Edit or Editor or.................................Zank Webmast er ebmaster er............................Michael Truex Recruitment.... Recruitment............................Reid Barrett Social Direct or Director or...................Laura Paajanen Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member...........Nick Lieberknecht Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member..................Megan Laver Muir A dvisor Advisor dvisor........................Patty Mahaffey

MQ Staff Members The MQ Staff: We’re not anti-American, we’re just elitist. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..” All content is copyright © 2001 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. And by entertainment, we don’t mean the kind involving 3 fists, an orange, bananna and a nerf-ball. The MQ wishes to thank the wonderful folks at www.acme.com/heartmaker, who have allowed our imaginations to venture into the twisted little world of Valentines Day confections.

Justin Williams Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Akemi Hong

Doug Hanes Jacob Campos Sharon Shapiro Stephanie Chen Nick Thaler Gabe Kreb Jimmy Bennett Rachel Audino Johnnie Chi Brent Hecht

Richard Lim Brian Uiga Billy Joe Watkins Rachael Polokoff Lauren Lee Lauren Cooper Heather Daniel Baron Carol Freire

MQ Booster Club Dale “48oz of Freedom” Burner Lauren “Help-tastic” Lee Geoff–Grandpa The New England Fucking Patriots


MQ

February 6, 2002

Not-so-cute-anymore cat replaced by much more adorable kitten By Daniel Baron Staff Writer GREENWICH, N.J – Freddy the cat, longtime pet of the Furguson family was unceremoniously discarded last week so that an absolutely adorable kitten named Mittens could take his place as the family pet. “We really didn’t have anything against Freddy,” stated father Bob Furguson. “It’s just that now that he’s gotten to be five years old, he no longer engages in any cute kitten-type activities, like playing with large balls of yarn or getting stuck in paper bags. So we put him into a pillow case and hucked him off a bridge.” Other members of the family were also quick to support the abrupt change of pets. “Freddy was a kind and loving cat but all he had done recently is sleep, eat, and be a loyal friend to me,” remarked family mother Ruth Furguson. “And he left cat hair

photo courtesy of the Truex

Page 3

MQ editor sends shout out to financial suppor s supportter ers By Colin Parent Editor in Chief In a move that surprised few and inspired many, MQ Editor Colin Parent floated his props to ASUCSD Vice President of Finance Sam Shooshtary and ASUCSD Commissioner of Communications, Catherine Algeri, in this, the latest issue produced by UCSD’s most-loved humor paper. “I just wanted my buddies up there with A.S. to know that I’m lookin’ out for them,” said Parent, about his most recent move to secure continued funding for the MQ in the quarters to come. SOFAB, the board that recommends allocation amounts to student organizations, is scheduled to meet within the coming weeks, and Parent, who is not above shamelessly kissing ass for the sake of his organization, says the

Freddy the cat seen here before aging and eventual death.

on my bed during that three year period he spent by my side while I was fighting cervical cancer.” Meanwhile, the Furgusons say Mittens has already busied himself with cute, kittentype activities that his prede-

cessor had neglected. “Just the other day, for example, Mittens somehow got himself stuck inside the dryer and emerged a little ball of fluff, resulting in expressions of ‘awwwww’ from all of us,” said Candy Furguson, the oldest daughter.

“See, that’s what I mean,” observed Mr. Furguson. “Cute stuff like that more than makes up for that time Mittens took a shit on our kitchen table while Reverend Brown was visiting for Sunday dinner.” During further questioning,

Man declares girlfriend a football fan; girlfriend profoundly disagrees By Liz Erwin Design Editor CALEXICO, CA –Area man Gerry O’Neil was disappointed late Sunday, when girlfriend Regina Carrow denied to family and friends his claims that she enjoyed both Monday Night Football and Ultimate Fighting tournaments. “But you do,” said O’Neil in response to his girlfriend’s allegations that his statement was both “asinine” and “untrue.” According to Carrow, the misunderstanding stems from a few tactical untruths early in their relationship. “He wouldn’t have let me crush his will to live, or dominate his life if he knew I hated football and kiddy porn. I let him believe I adored him as he was so that I could change him to my liking. He’s very confused right now, having realized that ‘I love everything about you’ does not mean ‘I love everything you love.’” O’Neil continued to reject girlfriend Carrow’s view of his opinions. “How can she hate football? We watch it all day Sunday, and we even have a standing date at Hooters to watch Monday Night Football. We don’t really do much outside of football. Saying she hates football is like saying she hates me.”

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MQ is prepared. “We’re looking to maintain our current level of funding, or maybe even increase it, if those wonderful folks up there in the Price Center deem it appropriate.” The MQ is also funded by Muir College Council, and is itself mentioned in Parent’s shout out. “I love Muir,” said Parent. “Really.” Muir College Council Chair Liz Erwin appreciated the sentiment, and suggested the MQ had “good things in its future.” MQ Managing Editor Elijah Zarlin has also made efforts to make friends with the power brokers at UCSD. “I used to have this problem with Eisha, the totally kickass programmer on A.S. But we did our schmooze thing, and now we’re pals. She’s great. We’re totally getting funded.”

photo(actually) by Liz Erwin

Above is a graph created by Carrow to demonstrate her actual desires.

Carrow said that while she isn’t unhappy, she wants to “stop watching ESPN, WWF, Skinimax and the Spice Channel,” and then revealed a new plan for their leisure time management. The new plan would shift the emphasis of their relationship from football and sex to shopping, candlelit dinners and romantic comedies, a move

which Carrow called “best for everyone.” O’Neil, however, refused to acknowledge Carrow’s proposal. “There is no way Regina could have developed these plans. She doesn’t like any of those things. Besides the sex. Oh boy, does she like the cock. This is just a hormonal swing due to her new birth control pills,” said O’Neil.

O’Neil hopes this will all blow over soon, as it has resolved with previous conflicts. “We’ve been through this before with the poker night, the new Harley and my lingerie habit. Regina just doesn’t know what she wants. Like the first night we watched football, I knew that ‘no’ meant ‘I want another beer.’”

Top 5 Screen Names in a Se x-Orient ed Sex-Orient x-Oriented Dungeons and Dragons Chat R oom Room

5. Baldar_the_Lady_Killer 4. Rordark_the_Closet_Toe- Fetishist_who_Also_Kills_Dragons 3. Gilfar_the_Dwarf_but_Not_Where_it_Really_Matters 2. Cockgoblin 1. Legendary_Swordsman_Rowdarn_Grand_Master_of_the_Donkey_Punch_Dirty_Sanchez_Spin_Attack

family members declined to comment on reports that family son Randy, age 13, would be soon replaced by a new, more suitable child that doesn’t “look like a buck-tooth freak.” Reasons to Abandon a Long-Distance Relationship

10. Phone bill would be cheaper if you just called 1-900-BIG-TITS. 9. He’s fat and ugly. 8. Daddy wouldn’t spring for a webcam. 7. AIM can’t lick your inner thighs. 6. ; ) is no longer a turn on. 5. Phone sex is made difficult by the fact that your roommate constantly tries to claim Sloppy Seconds. 4. His penis is not 500 miles and 6 inches long 3. Morpheus/LimeWire/ BearShare provides all the tender loving you need. 2. You’ve taken up the habit of rubbing your phone card against your genitals to arouse yourself. 1. You are being fellated as you read this.

www.themq.com More exciting than eating babies, probably.


MQ

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February 6, 2002

Party-goers refuse to believe keg is empty By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor Attendees of UCSD student Tara Bartlet’s 22nd birthday party reacted with disbelief and skepticism late Saturday to the news that the keg was empty. The keg of Miller Light beer, which had been purchased earlier in the afternoon from Mission Bay Liquor in Pacific Beach for $45 plus deposit, lasted less than two hours at the hands of the over 50 thirsty college students. Though emptied at 11:05 p.m., it was not until much later that the emptiness of the keg was actually accepted by the saddened crowd. Indeed, despite being repeatedly told of the disappointing state of the empty keg by UCSD student Brianna Martinez, partygoers were reluctant to accept the announcement, displaying doubt that the empty keg was actually finished. Martinez, who happened to be standing next to the empty keg conversing with a few friends about the insufficient state of the group’s inebriation, repeatedly informed others approaching with empty red plastic cups, that there was no more beer to be had. Yet her well-intentioned warnings were totally ignored. “People kept coming up and being like ‘no, it’s not really empty,’” said the disappointingly sober Martinez after the party. “I was like, ‘I swear, it’s empty’ and they were all ‘you just gotta pump it some more. Trust me, there’s more beer in here.’” Continued Martinez, “Finally they were all like ‘shit, this thing is empty.’” Though many attendees including Martinez were disappointed with the lackluster degree of inebriation they were able

to achieve with the free, cheap beer, Martinez seemed more upset by the swift dismissal of the information she had so good-naturedly offered. “I was just trying to save people the time and effort, but no one believed me,” said Martinez, clearly upset by the partiers’ need to go though each and every one of the motions themselves in order to be sure there was no more beer to be had in the empty keg. Martinez recounted a number of different ways in which partygoers added insult to injury as they refused to give credence to the emptiness of the empty keg. After spurning Martinez’s innocent offering that the empty keg was, in fact empty, most students felt the need to tip the empty keg from side to side. When the light weight of the empty keg and absence of the sound of sloshing beer failed to convince them of it’s emptiness, most partiers then felt the need to pump the empty keg as many as 75 times, constantly repeating phrases like “oh, it’s not really empty,” as they watched the empty keg’s tap continue to produce no beer. Yet many were still unconvinced. Running out of ways to produce beer from the empty key, many students felt that the key might lie in turning the keg upside down. Doing so, many were disappointed to discover that nothing continued to flow from the now inverted empty keg. Only then did the students begin to realize that there was, actually, no more beer in the very empty keg. “We should have had two,” said honoree Bartlet, shortly after the emptiness of the empty keg caused most of the partygoers—self described “good friends of the birthday girl” whom Bartlet had never before seen—to leave, well before 1:14 a.m. Sunday morning, Bartlet’s true birthday. Said Bartlet, “Not that it matters to me, I’ve been drunk since 10 a.m. yesterday morning. And by yesterday, I mean like, two days ago.”

photo by Le Truex

Chazelle displaying her new purple cell phone cover, which now provides her with a second mood to express.

My cell phone, like, totally defines my personality By Chazelle Garwood Puts out

In this time of national uncertainty, I’ve talked a number of people going through their own personal crises, people who are asking themselves questions like, “How do I fit into society,” and “What is my identity?” I must admit, I’ve had to deal with some droopy times of doubt myself. But when I’m confronted with insecurities of this nature, I just take a reassuring look at my cellular phone. I don’t know about everyone else, but I find that the accessories I choose for my cell phone represent the solid foundation on which I’ve built my personality. My inspired choices of fun ring tones, flashing antennas, and colorful faceplates never fail to turn my occasional frown upsidedown. When my phone repetitively spouts two measures of my favor-

TOP TEN

ite popular music, I feel that I am strongly expressing my individuality to those around me. How could I be just one of the crowd when the ringing of my phone (for others a boring old bell sound) is customized to reflect my individual outlook and ideas? Whether my mood is for Destiny, Britney, or just some good old TLC, my phone can simulate my preferences with electronic noise! It’s amazing what your cell phone can do for you, if you’re willing to put in the resources. Although my current phone cost me a good deal to accessorize properly, when it all came together there was a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step. I’d like to think of the money I’ve used upgrading and decorating my phone as a deposit in the Chazelle Garwood bank of well-being. Why, just the other week I was having one of those really tough days, when all of a sudden I was greeted by the happy noise of

Things your girlfriend does in her sleep

10. Anyone but you 9. Differential equations 8. Doesn’t mess up sex, for once photo by Dale Burner

Students wanted beer so badly they turned the keg upside down.

always MQ.

7. Snores like a buzzsaw 6. Shits her pants 5. Does an awesome impression of Shamu 4. Anything I want her to 3. Speaks fluent Latin 2. Shuts the fuck up 1. Gets tipped over by teenagers

Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” on my phone. I just picked myself up and said, “You know Chaz, you’re ok!” In fact, I was so inspired that I replaced my purple glittery faceplate with my white smiley face one. I like to think I was saying that no purple cloud of gloom could keep me from putting on a smile! Whatever you tell yourself, people notice when you don’t add personal touches to your accessories. When your phone is ringing, it’s like you’re broadcasting to every ear in the room a piece of yourself. Imagine my horror if, in that moment, everyone was to see me answer my phone to a regular old boring ring Luckily, I’m willing to put in the time and energy required to create a personal, yet fashionable accessory: something that, in its own special way, lets people know who I am. While it is just something for me to carry around, it also carries around a piece of me.

TOP Reasons why your professor was late TEN 10. He operates in the 4th dimension 9. Too poor for a watch 8. “Students?” 7. “I was just walking around and whoa man” 6. Trading good grades for fellatio 5. Lighting one up 4. Changing corduroy pants 3. Still not over Dave Thomas’ death 2. Tried translating lecture notes into English, gave up 1. Motorized scooter broke down

Wh


MQ

February 6, 2002

Page 5

Man can’t close pop-up porn windows Just wants old life back By Jasmine de Lung Content Editor FRENCH LICK, IN—Area man Orin Harrison was weary and sore Monday, after a harrowing experience with free Internet pornography Sunday night. Harrison, 36, claimed to have always been a magazine man and had never turned to the Internet for material. “I own an extensive collection of Penthouse and Hustler,” bragged Harrision. “I like the butt.” At 6:34pm on February 3, 2002, Harrison signed on to America Online, opened up the search engine Google and typed in ‘Porn’, ‘Sex’, ‘Anal’, and ‘Free’. “I figured that with enough keywords I might be able to find a few sites,” said Harrison. The search engine reported 1,852,000 sites matching those words. After briefly reading each title on the first page of the results, Harrison chose a site advertising hot ANAL SEX and ANAL PORN free anal sex pics free here! now! anal_sex_pics ANALSEX_ANALPORN over TIGHT TINY ASSHOLES TAKE MAMMOTH MEAT POLES, because “it most closely resembled what I wanted.” Harrison took the free tour, and found the pictures to be quite satisfying. “I was finished masturbating in under six minutes, and

was ready for bed,” said Harrison. However, when Harrison tried to close the web site’s window, another popped up, this time advertising barely legal dirty cum-filled teens. “I was intrigued,” said Harrison, “so I clicked on the star covering the good part of the naked girl.” More windows popped up with each mouse click, advertising such things as monster jugs, lesbians, fatty fetishes, ebony fantasies, and farm animals. “At first I thought I was so lucky! It seemed like an endless plethora of free sex pics! So I masturbated again.” Harrison spent seven and a half more hours browsing free pornography sites, and masturbated a total of four additional times. Yet this free porn came at a price. “I shouldn’t have been so greedy,” said Harrison. “At two in the morning, when I got too tired to continue, I tried closing the windows, but more just kept popping up! For every one I closed, three more would appear! I’ve seen every kind of creature have sex with every other kind, fetishes galore, and all the fat, old, big-breasted, leatherbound ass anyone could ever want!” said Harrison as he hung his head in defeat, describing the frustrat-

photo by Truex

Orin Harrison, seen here, passed out after a night of unfettered, digital, pathetically solo debauchery.

ing experience. Harrison tried to stay on top of the windows, closing them before they completed loading. “But at

that point, I was in no position to be able to move my hand fast enough,” said Harrison. “There was no way I could keep up with

those windows!” Harrison took the next few days off work. Said Harrison, “I just wanted my old life back.”

Ready to Hump: Pope looks forward to taxin’ and waxin’ it

By Phil Duncan Staff Writer VATICAN CITY – In anticipation of his upcoming death, Pope John Paul II announced Sunday that he is consulting with God regarding the terms of his personal eternal salvation. The most prominent item on the negotiating table is the Holy Father’s compensation, “in bitches,” for 81 years of strict celibacy. “His Holiness didn’t take his vows of chastity lightly,” said papal spokesperson Joaquin Navarro-Valls after the announcement. “It’s only fair that after devoting his entire life to purity and wholesomeness, he should expect a few thousand or so virgins to welcome him into the Kingdom of Heaven.” This latest announcement came after months of what the pope called “personal turmoil and contemplation.” In his address, the pope said, “Although I have denied myself the pleasures of the flesh in this life, I have been repaid by the infinite blessings of the Holy Spirit.” He added, “When I get to Heaven it’ll finally be time to cash those blessings in.”

Although many expressed shock that the Pope would even be considering such issues premortem, several nuns at the Vatican were unsurprised. “I always thought that the Holy See had something like this in mind,” said Sister Marie McDonald in an interview Wednesday. “When I first came to the Vatican to be blessed by his holiness, he eyed me in a very strange way, and I could have sworn I heard him say, ‘Just wait until we get to Heaven,’ under his breath.” As of yet, it is unclear whether the Pope’s heavenly she-angels are to be currently saved souls residing in Heaven, or Angels of the Lord specifically assigned the task of whoring themselves out to the Pope. “I suppose his Holiness can have just about whatever types of bitches he wants,” said Navarro-Valls. “I hear Heaven is just about crawling with them.” One major issue critics have taken with the Pope’s announcement is his lack of doctrinal basis for picking out “personal Heaven bitches.” Ted Parks, a writer for the National Catholic Reporter, called the Pope’s an-

MQ

photo by the Hooligan

The above is an artist’s conception of how it may appear when Pope John Paul II finally ascends to a more meaningful plane of existance.

nouncement, “an abuse of Papal privilege and a monopolization of Heavenly hoes.” Navarro-Valls responded, “The pope, through the doctrine of papal infallibility, can really make any decision he wants regarding the

beliefs of the Catholic Church. I’m sure that God would rather grant the Pope’s modest request than contradict the doctrine of his Church on earth.” Whether God agrees or not, the Pope’s request for multitudes of

Heaven’s honeys could have lasting ramifications on the Catholic Church. “No one has ever really set the terms for their salvation before,” said Parks. “God might just decide to forget the whole Heaven thing altogether.”

Tuesdays at 10pm Half Dome (in Muir) You’d best not front


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Ways tto o A cq uire Acq cquire a V alentine Valentine 10. Booze 9. Be French, and Italian 8. Drop a few pounds, chunky 7. Go down on her 6. 1-800-Valentine 5. Candy 4. Apprehend by force 3. Reverse psychology 2. Lasso 1. Ask someone

Things I Do on Valentine’s Da Dayy 10. Attempt suicide 9. Throw sourdough rolls at couples walking into restaurants 8. Converse with ‘conversation hearts’ 7. Drink a 40 and expose myself to children 6. Take a midterm 5. Blow up that inflatable sheep 4. Wait until midnight and buy all the candy at Ralph’s for 50% off, fatty 3. Call your mom 2. Go out on a date...no, really 1. Masturbate, while crying

rys, a M ail H ek r 35 e a w e D this l. I’m n o essi nderfu u from f n Co so wo ot yo her was lad I g ke, rat icle i so g ther M al test u Fa the us than ling. d fon

Dea r Bu sh D augh ters, Your fath our l e ast p r is dumb r chick e s are esident, b r than ently ut yo hot, u a a do y lways d nd appa o r like i u Republ unk. Ho rw i t extre ? How can chick me rig ‘b s ht, sl out to th e utters ?


MQ

Page 8

Get it straight: TOP There’s nothing funny about confusing Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.

5

February 6, 2002

Upcoming Prompts From Your Literature Professor

5.Write a ten page paper on why you’re all brainless hacks who only serve to distract me from my genius

4.Explain in 7 words or less why no one will ever love you 3.Discuss in a first person narrative why l won’t accept you as a serious writer unless you attempt suicide or at the very least are completely unable to sustain any meaningful romantic relationships

2.Explore, through a third-person semi-omniscient narrative, why I have a self-loathing of my own screen writing attempts and how that has led to my Kafkaesque need to both criticize and lust after popular success photo by two different people

How can you confuse these two? Martin Luther wears a BERET!!!

By Elijah I. Zarlin Not funny either I’ve heard a lot of people make a lot of stupid jokes and mistakes in my life, but now that it’s Black History Month I think it’s time we get something straight. There’s one joke I can’t tolerate any longer. Look, there’s just nothing funny about confusing Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. In fact, there’s nothing funny about it at all. What’s to be confused? Martin Luther sparked the Protestant Reformation in Germany in 1517. Martin Luther King Jr. was a prominent leader in the American Civil Rights movement of the 1950s and early 1960s. Personally, I don’t see many similarities there, so stop acting like it’s funny to confuse the two. I mean, for Pete’s sake, they stood for totally different things. Martin Luther’s indignation for the establishment of Catholicism was ignited by the doctrine of indulgences, which he felt, with its mechanical view of sin and repentance, constituted an unjustifiable interposition of a worldly power between the individual and god. Martin Luther King Jr.’s abhorrence of the doctrine of racism was ignited by the separationist establishment of segregation in the South, which he felt, with its loathsome treatment of African Americans, was an unjustifiable imposition on goodness, equality, decency, truth, morality and righteousness. Religion versus race,

people. It’s not that hard, so can we cut the crap? Confusing Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. is the furthest thing from funny. Have I mentioned that, while Luther posted his famous 95 theses on the door of the castle church at Wittenberg in Saxony on Oct. 31, 1517, Luther King Jr. didn’t lead the 1965 Selma to Montgomery march until 1965? Seriously, the two happened like 427 years apart. And oh yeah, let’s not forget that Germany is a long way from Alabama. Taking all of this into account, you can see why it’s the opposite of funny to pretend you can’t tell the difference between the guys whose first two names are Martin and Luther. And it’s not like the lack of similarity stops there. Martin Luther’s famous 1520 Address to the Christian Nobility of the German Nation had totally different words than Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous 1963 “I Have a Dream” oration. Additionally, Martin Luther’s failure to reach doctrinal accord with Ulrich Zwingli on the nature of the Eucharist split the reform movement, while Martin Luther King Jr.’s failure to reach doctrinal accord with Alabama Governor George Wallace landed him in the Birmingham jail. With all these differences, it’s just sad, and totally not funny, that people confuse Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. Let’s give these men the respect that their differences deserve. Honestly, there’s no sense confusing Martin Luther King Jr. who was married to Coretta Scott King, with Martin Luther, who was married to a totally different woman named Katherina von Bora. What’s more, Martin Luther King Jr. won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. Martin Luther never won any prizes, and he was dead in 1964. Seriously, is it funny to confuse Barbara Walters with an obese Grecian eunuch felating a giraffe? It isn’t. So let’s stop doing the same thing with Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr.

1.Experiment with a 2nd person perspective and explain to the reader why they are wasting their time reading the mindless drivel only a pop-culture-obsessed philistine like yourself could concoct

Pretension found in Arts “You’re wrong” says theater dept. By Brent Hecht Staff Writer The results of sociology professor Sarah Bradshaw’s new study, which finds large degrees of pretension in UCSD’s Music, Visual and Performing Arts departments, was met with snide and pompous comments from UCSD’s Music, Visual Arts and Theater Departments at the study’s release early Thursday. “Pretension?” said UCSD theater professor Daniel Little, calmly pulling a long cigarette out of his mouth. “That’s absurd! The esteemed music, performing and visual arts communities are far

above such sophomoric societal complexes.” A report accompanying the announcement, put together by professors and graduate students led by sociology professor Patrick Glenn, provided detailed evidence to back up the claims of pretension. According to the report, a vast majority of music majors immediately dislike even their own songs once the songs, or “pieces,” become remotely popular. All visual arts majors were proven to have a distinct and instinctive hatred for all types of domestic movies and have an inherent attraction to all types of foreign films, especially those that

depict fetish imagery as art. Similarly, through intense psychological testing, theater students were determined to categorically despise all filmed acting, and even walked out of a videotaped performance of their very own Vagina Monologues. Dr. Little explained this nearuniversal pattern, claiming that, “English is exceptionally unoriginal.” Bradshaw suggestes a steady diet of Jessica Simpson’s music and Freddie Prinze Jr. movies to art and music majors suffering from extreme pretension, in order to alleviate the symptoms of extreme pretension.

Isn’t self-promotion wonderful? Muir’s Half Dome Lounge, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. photo by James “6 bottles” Meeker

“If you don’t recognize the brilliance of this Piet Mondrian work–inspired by the dishrags in his kitchen–then you are most certainly retarded,” said Vis Arts professor Sean Powell, recently discovered to be pretentious.


GRANDMAS

February 6, 2002

Page 9

Vis Ar ts major “a little disappointing” to grandma “Since when is medical school too much to ask for?” asks matriarch By Brian Uiga Staff Writer

I suffered through the Depression and two Nixon terms for this shit?

SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO, CA— Grandma Thelma Jane Herk succeeded in making an awkward family dinner even more so last weekend, announcing her continued disappointment in her granddaughter Cassie’s choice to pursue a major in Visual Arts at UCSD. To try and dispel rumors that she was a “slacker” or engaged in “worthless art,” Cassie brought home a recent project, Modern Fertility, for which she received an “A” and a number of positive comments from her peers. Despite a respectful, albeit quiet, reception from the rest of the family, Grandma Herk was

Area man just fine af ter ignoring grandmother’s unsolicited advice By Area Man Bad Grandson DANA POINT, CA—Area man Michael Wise was just fine Monday, despite having disregarded the many warnings given to him by his grandmother during a weekend visit. According to Wise, his maternal grandmother Wendy Gunther took every possible opportunity to offer suggestions, recommendations and cautionary words to her “constantly endangered” grandson throughout the course of his visit. Though he did not heed a single one, Wise survived the weekend completely unscathed. “Every time we left the house she would say something like ‘take a sweater, it’s cold outside,’” said Wise. “But you know what? I didn’t take a sweater, because I

didn’t think I needed one.” Added Wise, “And I wasn’t ever cold.” Mrs. Gunther was also outspoken about a number of other areas of her grandson’s wellbeing, both mental and physical. Wise says that she frequently urged him to eat more food at dinnertime, lest he “waste away.” Though Wise ignored this warning as well, at the end of the weekend, he seemed in no danger of wasting away. “I didn’t want to eat more food, and I didn’t think that eating the right amount of food would result in my subsequent corporeal diminution,” said the 6’2” 185 lb. Nutrition and Literature double major. “And I was right.” Perhaps most upsetting to Wise were a few educational recommendations made by his

grandmother. “She kept encouraging me to study while I was visiting her,” said Wise, “because she said she didn’t want all the ‘Orientals’ to take over. On the one hand, her ignorance is all the motivation I need to study and educate myself. On the other hand, I was kinda pissed at her, so instead of studying, I snuck into her backyard and smoked so much pot I lost control of my urinary sphincter.” After the visit, Mrs. Gunther remained very perturbed by the fact that her grandson hadn’t heeded any of her words of advice. “He’s such a handsome boy!” Gunther said, expressing her deep concern. “And so smart too. He’s going to make an excellent doctor one day.” Added Gunther, “And an excellent husband.” Added Gunther again, “We’re so proud of him. Would you like to see a picture?”

outspoken in her further disappointment, stating that the art project was “nothing but big balloon animals made from condoms.” Unable to take this harsh criticism of her artistic ability, Cassie fled the room immediately. “I don’t know why she was so embarrassed,” said Grandma Herk, adding, “And I hope those condoms have not seen any other use. You know, when I grew up in the Depression only bums did that artistic hoodly-ha. And only bums brought used condoms into my living room.” Cassie was later found crying in the lavatory, mentioning the repeated negative comments from her grandmother as the source of

TOP TEN

her dismay. “I mean, I’m trying to beautify the world, but all Granny can say is that I should be ashamed of myself, spending $15,000 a year of my parents’ money to make toilet paper sculptures.” Despite these objections at home, Cassie plans to continue her work in visual artistry, and hopes one day to engage in “government funded art,” which she sees as her only alternative to starvation. When questioned about other possible career paths while waiting for her big break in the art business, Cassie said that due to the success of Modern Fertility she has been approached with job offers in both clowning and prostitution.

Reasons you’re alone

10. You’re fuckin’ ugly 9. You have a long distance relationship, sucker 8. You’re still mourning over Dave Thomas 7. You’re enrolled at Davis, you goddamn hick 6. You’re locked in a bathroom 5. You played the asexual card and everyone believed you 4. “I’m lonely” is tattooed on your forehead 3. You live at Roosevelt 2. You’re scoping for hotties at a CSE12 class 1. You can’t pony up the dowry

TOP FIVE

Names for Sixth College

5. The New Roosevelt 4. Ronald Fucking Reagan 3. 6th College 2. Just take all the fucking parking on campus why don’t you?! 1. 7th College photo by James “good boy” Meeker

“Luckily, I was thrown to safety because I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt. Fuck you, Grandma.”


MQ

Page 10

February 6, 2002

Study shows SUV buyers TOP possess colossal genitalia 20 By Brian Uiga Staff Writer Researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical School announced last week their findings from an exhaustive five-year survey of American males, showing a strong direct relationship between the size of a man’s Sport Utility Vehicle and the enormity

of his penis. This study puts to rest many myths created by owners of Geo Metros. The official press release utilized 65,000 covert interviews in gas station restrooms and highway patrol sobriety tests. Head researcher Dr. Jeremy Kopeki was very enthusiastic about his results: “These findings show great marketing and sales potential, since now we can inform

auto manufacturers approximately how massive the penis of any SUV buyer is. The word on the street: watch out for Cadillac Escolades and Ford Excursions.” The study supports the idea that users of larger SUVs need to engage in highway intimidation, so their enormous genitals may be matched only by their “big dick” attitudes.

photo by the Hooligan

Though you wouldn’t know it by looking at him naked, Ron Jeremy actually has a very small penis, and thus drives a representative electric golf cart. He is pictured here with with a large-genital-possessing SUV owner.

Ask an unemplo a unemployyed mall Sant Santa Dear Unemployed Mall Santa – My kids have always told me that I look like Santa Claus, and I haven’t been able to find a job for about 16 years. All my wife seems to be able to do is nag me about getting off the couch. “Austin, get off your drunken, lazy ass, and stop scratching yourself. You disgust my bridge club so much they won’t even meet here. Dammit, get up!” I was thinking that maybe being a mall Santa is the perfect solution. How can I be a mall Santa? –Heckled in New Hampshire Ho, Ho, Ho, Heckled – You think that you can handle being Santa Claus? No one can, except me. I am Santa. Ho, ho, how did I get here? I feel confused right now, and I don’t know why I just woke up next to a dumpster with an empty 40 in my hand. And, damn it, my head hurts. No more answers for you.

By Ler akamor Leroo y TTakamor akamoroo Unemployed Mall Santa

Dear Unemployed Mall Santa – I was really, really good all year, then you gave me a half-eaten drumstick and an empty beer bottle. All I wanted was a new Tickle Me Elmo. My sister borrowed mine when her boyfriend was gone for a week, and it never smelled the same. Why didn’t you get me what I wanted? What do I have to do better next year? –A Good Little Boy

Ho, Ho, Ho GLB – If you were good, I would have gotten you what you wanted. A drumstick is a great gift. I wish I had one right now. So stop complaining. And, if you really want a good gift next year, get me a little something from your dad’s liquor cabinet. Goddam, my head hurts. I am living in the dumpster behind the Grosse Point Apartment Building. Get here quick! Merry Christmas. Dear Unemployed Mall Santa – I was just wondering when you are going to move out of the dumpster in the back of my apartment building. When I open my window I can smell the alcohol fumes rising from your filth-encrusted Santa suit. And, it scares me when I am dumping out the trash and hear you muttering “Ho, ho, ho, have you been naughty or nice?” It is February. –Confused Jimmy Ho, Ho, Ho Confused Jimmy – Ho-ho-ho Jimmy, have you been naughty or nice? What do you want for Christmas? Merry Christmas. What was your question again? My head hurts again. Here’s my tall can. I have been looking for you. You finally returned to daddy. “Ask An Unemployed Mall Santa” is syndicated in one newspaper on the UCSD campus.

ONE

Fav orit e Entirely Arbitrar e orite Arbitraryy Dat Date or niv er se Histor oryy of the U Univ niver erse in the Hist

3/12/608

Things to do while nak ed naked

20. Fry bacon 19. Sing opera 18. Retile the roof 17. Veto legislation 16. Taxidermy 15. Hide your pants 14. Estelle Ghetti 13. Cockfighting 12. Pick blackberries 11. Admire your very large SUV 10. Pick fights with the mentally challenged 9. Argue for your grade 8. Hide plastic explosives on your person 7. Choose Pepsi 6. Watch your father die 5. Sleep through lecture 4. Squat over a mirror 3. Hunting 2. Save a cat from a burning building 1. Get fucked up and bone

TOP TEN

Reasons I’m glad I’m not Jesus

10. Celibacy 9. A lot of pressure from your parents to succeed 8. He was crucified 7. Sandals make me look fat 6. Hanging out with lepers isn’t my thing 5. Everyone wondering ‘what you’d do’ 4. I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t look good in cargo pants, and I have a lot of cargo pants 3. Your name is a swear word 2. Texans who hear your name think you’re Puerto Rican 1. It’s fucking impossible to lie to your parents


MQ

February 6, 2002

Page 11

Tupac is dead Body Beautiful Car Wash

By Tupac Shakur Deceased Rap Artist Hello, my name is Tupac Shakur. I’d like to talk to you now about a subject very close to me my death. In the five years and four months since I was killed, I have noticed many people harboring a great deal of skepticism regarding the legitimacy of my grim demise. This is supremely insulting. Why does everyone still think I’m alive, when I’m not? It’s time to set the record straight. I can assure you without reservation, that I am in fact, 100%, grade A, dead. I mean it. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you people, but I am dead. I realize there are a lot of reasons people still think I’m alive. Somehow, many individuals have taken the fact that I have posthumously recorded and released five albums since my death—more than many artists release in their life—to mean that I’m still alive. This is just stupid. I’m not alive. I’m dead. Still others cite my new name, Makaveli, somehow as a reference to the Italian war strategist and author Machiavelli—a man who, coincidentally, happened to be an advocate of faking one’s death. This is simply preposterous. After I died, I thought it might be fun to pick a new name. I picked

Makaveli, because it sounded like a good name to choose for oneself, if one happened to be dead, which I was. Not once did I ever think about the subtle similarities between my new name, and that of Machiavelli. If this has confused anyone, I am sorry. And still very dead. Also disturbing to me is a spate of web sites devoted to the many bizarre and suspicious circumstances surrounding my death, solely because it was a hazy event utterly shrouded in secrecy. Well, not to me it wasn’t. I was there when I died, and I know it was real because it stung like crazy. If I were alive, there would be no way it could have hurt that much. Well, let me say once and for all that the many far-fetched suppositions regarding my posthumous appearances in multitudes of music videos, album covers, and singing in the background of other artists’ singles, not to mention my own albums, have no grounding in truth and are complete and utter falsehoods. They couldn’t be true, because I’m dead. And no dead man could sing as well as I did on 7 Day Theory. Dear readers, don’t be swayed by the fact that my body was cremated a day after my murder with no autopsy having been performed. Fall not prey to the spine-tingling stories of my sighting in Atlanta not but two days after my supposed “slaying.” I, Tupac Shakur, have bought the farm and no longer dwell among the living. Because I’m dead. This is all I have to say on the matter until the MTV movie about my death is released, where on April 15th, I will not be seen exiting the back of a Los Angeles theater. Thank you, and may God bless you.

still standing united By Adam Armstead Staff Writer Nearly five months after the tragedy of September 11th, there is one service station refusing to remove its flags. When patriotism is becoming a less frequent sight on car antennas and bridge overpasses, the Body Beautiful Car Wash in downtown San Diego still proudly displays its love of our nation. With a sign boldly proclaiming “United We Stand”, the car wash continues to fight the war against terrorism at home. Kevin Graham, the proprietor of the Body Beautiful Car Wash, renounced the actions of “them Talibans” and reported that he would “kick some Taliban ass if any of them showed up here.” The few “Talibans” who have come to cleanse their foreign-made automobiles have seen clearly that they were unwelcome at this car wash. To verify his claim that he was

TOP TEN

photo by Marcos, Eduardo and Manuelo

The Body Beautiful carwash is doing its part in the fight against terrorism and the smashed bugs on your windshield.

not racist against people of the Muslim faith, Graham gestured to several hispanic individuals who are employed at the car wash. “Marcos, Eduardo, and Manuelo

Rejected Significant Other Pet Names

10. Nixon 9. Tubby 8. Mussolini 7. The Virgin Mary 6. Stumpy 5. Fugly 4. Daddy’s little trophy 3. Sucker 2. My creepy obsession 1. My Little Oedipal Complex

TOP TEN

are all pals of mine, and they’re Muslamic I think.” One of these individuals, Manuelo Guiterrez responded with the biting commentary, “Quieres un hot wax?”

Penis TTatt att oos attoos

10. Mom 9. You must be at least this tall to ride 8. I’m sorry for what I’m about to do 7. Please don’t laugh 6. Osama Bin Laden 1947 - 2002 5. If you can’t read this it’s because you’re ugly 4. Accident free for 56, no 8 days 3. Sensitive Man 2. We Card 1. Made in the USA

ARENA

What do you think about the current proposal by the UCSD admistration to eliminate parking for freshman residents?

Those poor fuckers.

Paul Ank Dweller Beneath the Hump

As a current freshman, I’m all for it.

Jerkin McSuckface Selfish Jackass

As a future freshman at UCSD, I hate that selfish jackass to the left.

I believe a more practical solution would be to eliminate freshmen.

Tommy Fung

Amanda Forsberg

Nor-Cal Kid

Gift from God

The admin’s been screwing students for years. I’d like to suggest we fill the Warren canyon with their dead bodies and slap a parking lot over it. Fuckers.

No way! I’m not answering your dumbass 10 Questions! Oh wait? This is Arena? Score! I’m so glad you’re dropping such an atrocious waste of space. Oh, you’re with the MQ? I can’t believe you amateurs have a deeper understanding of the UCSD readership than the Guardian.

Leroy Johnson

Melinda von Yvesgründ Miss Revelle, 1999

World’s Greatest Lover

Ed note: We’re running this answer until the Guardian stops 10 Questions.


MQ

Page 12

February 6, 2002

Trading Cards: Big Dicks Washington Monument 1

Nuclear Submarine 1

1. Daddy of our country 2. Hegemony personified

1. Full of seamen 2. Dives deep, long and hard

Minuteman ICBM

Leaning Tower of Pisa

1

1. Explodes on impact 2. Double entendre

1. Hangs to the right 2. Now open for business

Our November 20th issue mistakenly contained an article entitled “Freshman Establishes Anime, Cartoon Porn Fan Club.” We have no explanation as to how this article got into our paper. We’re sorry. Due to a miscommunication with our fact checker, last issue’s info graphic incorrectly stated that during elementary school, you were picked last 29% of the time at Four-Square. In actuality you picked last 94% of the time at Four-Square. We would like to apologize to the poor students of UC Davis. We’re sorry you weren’t accepted here: it’s because you are dumb. The MQ also wishes to retract any statements we have made regarding our relationship with

Enron Corp. or their auditor, Arthur Anderson. In fact, no such relationship exists and the MQ never gave any accounting advice to Anderson or any of its subsidiaries. Our current issue mistakenly identifies 20 humorous things to do while being naked. In actuality, there are only 19 humorous things to do while naked. “Choose Pepsi” should have been omitted from the list, but wasn’t. Suck it. The fourth heart down on the 6 th page of the current issue reads “RAM ME.” This heart was repeated 3 times in this issue and should have read “FUCK GOAT,” a heart that was only used once. Managing Editor Elijah Zarlin in no way regrets or apologizes for any past statements he may have made regarding UCSD’s lack of coolness, which contradict his article in the current issue, entitled “UCSD A LITTLE COOL.” Don’t be fooled. He still fucking hates this school.

Richard Nixon 1

1. Rock hard 2. Knobby and wet

1

1. Tricky dick 2. Leans to the right

Joystick

1

Correction, retractions and apologies: A mistake in last month’s special insert on Amoebic Dysentery incorrectly quoted Vice President Dick Cheney as saying “my loins are ignited by Laura Bush.” That quote should have read “my loins are ignited by Barbara Bush.”

Stalagmite

Breadsticks 1

1. Stick of joy 2. Your favorite peripheral

11

1. All you can eat 2. Comes with dipping sauce

Coming in our next issue... Micr osof xpands Microsof osoftt e expands monopoly to include attractive blond women. The word fuck. A number of reasons to join the armed ser vices, services, other then getting to have Christy Brinkly rest her ass on your head. The relentless pursuit of per perffection. More jokes about the deaths of your loved ones and pets. An unf or tunat e unfor ortunat tunate in vy machiner invvolving hea heavy machineryy , three nights ation, a bus full of the elderly deprivation, elderly,, depriv and lo ts of ar thritic lots arthritic

incident of sleep and lo ts lots sodom sodomyy.

Our hear ts and fucking souls. hearts


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