MQ
V olume VIII Issue V
March 6, 2002
University of California San Diego
IN THIS ISSUE
You can ha pes ttoo! oo! havve her herpes
Groundwork Books Refuses To Give Ignorant Student His “Free Mumia”
By Carol Freire Staff Writer
Keanu Reeves’ Hardball, “GUARANTEED in Stock” for Some Reason
Jewish Rapper Gives a Challah to All His Knishes, Bitches and Tricks Muir College Declares War on Marshall; Marshall Surrenders Like Frogs
Rhode Islanders Hoarding Rhode Island State Quarters Change state motto from “Hope” to “Give us back our fucking quarters.”
Boring ERC Student Fails at Being Different
Groundwork Books - Marshall student Daniel Williams was banned for life yesterday from Groundwork Books after incessantly demanding that be given his “Free Mumia,” as advertised on the store window. Williams first noticed the advertisements while perusing the bookstore for Jerry Falwell’s “Strength for the Journey” and Newt Gingrich’s “Window of Opportunity.” Unable to find the items, Williams requested his free mumia, lest he leave the store empty-handed. The store clerk then refused Williams’ request. “I didn’t get it,” said Williams. “They had a ton of stickers advertising ‘Free Mumia.’ I knew the mumias must have been going fast because they hired crowd control and only let one person in at a time. I thought to myself, ‘Why won’t they give it to me? It must be another one of those capitalist marketing gimmick.’” Williams went back to browse for a book, determined to get his complimentary mumia. “Most of the stuff there is pretty boring,” said Williams, “but I finally found this book ‘Das Kapital,’ and since I’m an economics major, I decided to check it out.” Williams approached the counter and congratulated the store clerk on his sly marketing scheme , at which point, Williams said, “He totally blew up! He started ranting about how he’s no capitalist pig and the revolution will not be televised. Then for another fifteen minutes he went into how the lower classes are gonna rise up and defeat people like me, and
photo by Liz Erwin
Student, seen here making ass out of self, awaits his free Mumia outside Groundwork Books.
there’ll be a classless society. Actually that would be sweet ‘cuz I got a D in English. I wish that we had classless society—or that I’d gone to UC Santa Cruz.” The conflict escalated further when Williams attempted to cut short the rant by finalizing his
purchase. He tried to pay first with his Triton Plus card, then with a Mastercard. When both methods of payment were denied, Williams started screaming for his right to a free Mumia. A shouting match started between the two; see MUMIA, page 2
Tragedy Strikes at NASCAR, Street Football Championship Game Thousands die, fans mourn after scheduling debacle By Michael Zank Staff writer Tragedy struck at the Myrtle Beach Speedway last weekend when event organizers mistakenly scheduled the NASCAR Carolina 400 and National Youth Street
Football Championships to take place at the same time. Race fans described the scene as horrendous, yet strangely hilarious. “Whoops, my bad,” said Speedway Events Manager Darryl Jones. “I’m surprised how fast those kids can move, though. At
least the ones that survived..” Fourteen teams of youth street football players were scheduled to square off on the 2.5-mile blacktop oval in a tournament for the national title at 1:30 PM, about the same time that flag dropped to signal the start of the NASCAR age.”
Human Development Professor Legally Forbidden From Speaking to Children
FALSIFIED QUOTE “My rotting third tit kinda hurts right now.” –Vice-Chancellor Watson themq.com
photo by Zank
The Rough ‘n’ Ready Raleigh Buccaneers, seen here executing a reverse and getting run over by cars.
“I hit one of those stupid kids on the first lap, and he dented my left front fender all up so that it was rubbing against the tire,” complained two-time Winston Cup Champion and fourteenth-place finisher Bobby Labonte. “I had to make an extra pit stop to have them pull it out. That very well may have cost us the race.” The presence of racecars on the track created difficulties for football players, as well. “We managed to put a good drive together,” said Tampa quarterback Ryan Weir, “[Wide Receiver] Reggie [Drew] made some good catches to get us close to the end zone. We were playing over on turn two, and I found out that if we stayed to the high side, most cars would pass us on the left. I caught him again on a quick slant and he would have ran it in for a touchdown, but [NASCAR driver] Tony Stewart made a move on the high side and nailed Reggie, forcing a fumble.” Many sports fans consider this to be the worst disaster of its kind since Reebok’s Hoop It Up 3-on-3 basketball tournament was played at Cape Canaveral, Florida during a launch of the Space Shuttle Endeavor.
MQ
Page 2
Future Section: MQ for Nerds!
Lay-Z-Boy Showcases New “Super-Recliner” By Colin Parent Editor in Chief/Nerd 3535 A.D- Continuing a longstanding tradition of comfort and gadgetry, Lay-Z-Boy introduced their new Relaxo-2000 Tuesday to an eager audience of robot-reporters and football fans. After an unprecedented period of “oohing” and “ahhing”, Lay-Z-Boy president and CEO Execu-Bot010010 announced that this new Relaxo-2000 would revolutionize the ancient art of sitting. “Not only does the Relaxo-2000 feature posh mammal skin comfort and quality robot craftsmanship, but it comes standard with all the amenities humans have come to expect from the Lay-ZBoy line.” To demonstrate all that the Relaxo-2000 could do, Execu-Bot010010 wheeled in product testing engineer Matt Carbuncle. Carbuncle, all smiles for the camera, was met with unbridled applause as the audience caught their first glimpse of just how happy a chair can make a man. Execu-Bot010010 leaned in close to Carbuncle who with a pudgy thumbs up, wheezed “It’s fantastic!” Carbuncle and Execu-Bot010010 spent the remainder of the press conference displaying the amazing new innovations present in the Relaxo-2000. “While humans may once have been contented with sitting accessories such as built-in beer-coolers and electric massages, the modern seated man demands a host of innovative new conveniences.”
Giddily scrambling for the microphone, Carbuncle fumbled over his I.V. and shouted, “It’s got a microwave, and a deep fryer!” to the absolute delight of the audience.” “It sure does,” said the supportive Execu-Bot010010. “And thanks to the marvels of robot-technology, we’re proud to offer the latest in culinary accessories, including…Matt?” “A chili dispenser!” gurgled a drooling Carbuncle. “That’s right,” beeped Execu-Bot010010. “And with the development of our state of the art ‘fingerless remote,’ you can access all 3x10^23 channels of quality entertainment, without all the tiring effects of ‘buttons.’” Carbuncle giggled and twitched as the Relaxo-2000’s view screen lit up, while Execu-Bot010010 went on to showcase more amazing features of the Relaxo-2000. “What the robot-design team is most proud of,” flashed Execu-Bot010010, “is the Relaxo2000’s advanced massage system. Not only does it provide the most elegant in comfort, but also solves a problem seen in our earlier chair models, chronic bedsores.” After the initial product display, the floor was opened to test engineer Carbuncle, who gladly answered the questions posed to him by robot-reporters. Carbuncle, whose moist stretch marks glistened against quality Italian leather, lauded the Relaxo-2000 with praise and reverence. “The only thing that took getting used to,” said Carbuncle, “was the catheter and colostomy bag. But boy, I’ve never felt so relaxed.”
March 6, 2002
TOP TEN
Things Y ou Might You Hear Spock Say If He Loosened up and Went to One of Scotty’s Wild Keggers Once in a While:
1 . “This human custom of a ‘drunken hook-up’ is both illogical and really cool.” 2. “This party is totally kicking my ass, Captain.” 3. “The logic held so dearly by my Vulcan ancestors seems to be failing me, as I appear to be dancing on a card table wearing yeoman Rand’s mini-skirt.’’ 4. “This Norobulan Ale is getting me shitfaced.” 5. “Captain, the Romulans are coming about for another attack run... in my pants.” 6. “My ears aren’t my only parts that’re pointy, baby.” 7. “Let’s smoke some crack... er, Romulan crack.” 8. “That girl with the cranial ridges is giving me a massive... that is, she’s intriguing.” 9. “Keg Stand! Keg Stand!” 10. “Your breasts are fascinating.”
MUMIA, continued from front page
they argued about the meaning of “Mumia”, “free”, and “is.” “I don’t know why he was so testy,” says Williams. In his defense, Ivan Shukov, store clerk, explains: “It’s completely preposterous to presume that Mr. Williams does not know who Mumia AbuJamal is. Even the most uninformed dolt knows the saga of the award-winning journalist who exposed police brutality against minorities, was wrongfully sentenced, and put on death row for shooting a police officer. Mr. William’s attempts at tasteless Tom Greenesque humor are not only appalling, but insufferable. He was clearly yanking my, you know, chain, as it were.” The back and forth shouting match was mostly unintelligible except for “Free Mumia! Free Mumia!” which led to a mass chant joined by both store clerks and patrons. The chant quickly broke down into chaos, as the customers, frustrated with the lack of free mumias, began looting the store. “It was totally crazy,” said Shukov. “One minute everyone was united, calling for the release of Mumia Abu-Jamal, and the next minute they were stealing everything from the biography of Nelson Mandela to posters of Che Guevara. While we at Groundwork support an equitable redistribution of wealth, we would prefer that it be redistributed from someone else.” Williams was subsequently ejected from Groundwork for his role in inciting the riot, and was barred from reentering the premises. “I never did get my Free Mumia,” said Williams. “But if it was anything like the other garbage they had in that store, I probably wouldn’t have wanted one anyways.”
MQ Staff
Editor in Chief Chief.......................Colin Parent Managing Edit or Editor or......................Elijah Zarlin Cont ent Edit or ... Content Editor or... .................Jasmine de Lung Asst. Cont ent Edit or Content Editor or..................James Meeker Design Edit or Editor or...............................Liz Erwin Font Slut Slut...............................David Hughes Layout Bitch Bitch..................Laura Schniedwind Graphics Whore Whore......................Andy Collins Business Edit or Editor or.................................Zank Webmast er ebmaster er............................Michael Truex Recruitment.... Recruitment............................Reid Barrett Social Direct or Director or...................Laura Paajanen Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member...........Nick Lieberknecht Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member..................Megan Laver Muir A dvisor Advisor dvisor........................Patty Mahaffey
MQ Staff Members The MQ Staff: We’re not endorsing anyone for A.S. Elections, but you know how we feel. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ as publishers of the MQ are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..” All content is copyright © 2001 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. And by entertainment, we don’t mean the kind involving 3 fists, an orange, bananna and a nerf-ball. The MQ wishes to thank the wonderful folks at www.acme.com/heartmaker, who have allowed our imaginations to venture into the twisted little world of Valentines Day confections.
Justin Williams Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Claire Suttle Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Carly Young
Akemi Hong Doug Hanes Jacob Campos Sharon Shapiro Nick Thaler Gabe Kreb Jimmy Bennett Rachel Audino Johnnie Chi Brent Hecht
Richard Lim Brian Uiga Billy Joe Watkins Rachael Polokoff Lauren Lee Lauren Cooper Heather Daniel Baron Carol Freire Phil Duncan
MQ Booster Club Dale “48oz of Freedom” Burner Lauren “Help-tastic” Lee Geoff–Grandpa Raymond, for getting rid of that fuck
MQ
March 6, 2002
Page 3
Area Man Cheats Death Death did not know game of Three Card Monty was rigged, loses 50 bucks
Student Sends IM-Worthy Email By Reid Barrett Distribution Manager The rules of netiquette were violated yesterday when Marshall sophomore Chad Appen sent a mundane email to longtime friend Jonathan Silverman. According to Silverman, the email should have been sent via AOL Instant Messenger. Silverman was first alerted to the suspect email when he noticed the liberal use of exclamations in the subject of the email. “I just expected a little more when the subject line was,
TOP TEN photo by Dave Hughes
Death, seen here after pitifully losing a card game, expresses his frustration at that bastard who ripped him off.
By Daniel Baron Staff Writer UCSD student Brian Dobbs caused quite a stir last Wednesday when he miraculously managed to cheat Death in a game of Three Card Monty. Sources report that Death, while en route to grab a post-execution beer, stopped at a card table Dobbs had recently set up for a quick hand. However, apparently Death was unaware of Dobbs’ reputation of being a grifter and all around hustler. Said an acquaintance of Dobbs, Robert Hanson, “I don’t know what Death
was thinking. Everyone knows that Brian’s a cheat and’ll rip you off as soon as look at you. I figured Death would be smarter than that. I’m disappointed.” Witnesses state that during the course of the game Death attempted to guess the location of the ace of spades after Dobbs engaged in the speedy rearrangement of three face down cards, just to be shown that his selected card was actually an ace of hearts. Only after walking two blocks down the road did Death realize he had in fact been cheated, for the ace of hearts was not one of the three
cards that Dobbs had shown him at the start of the game. However, when Death hurried back to the card table the shrewd and nimble Dobbs had already jumped onto his motor bike and sped away with Death’s fifty bucks. Reporters were later unwilling to even attempt to interview the raging Death as he spewed a surprising amount of profanity, and appeared pretty pissed off in general after the incident. “I wouldn’t fuck around with Death,” stated Channel 7 News journalist Heather Beans, “especially when he’s lost money.”
‘Yoyoyo!!!! What up, dawg?!!!!’” said Silverman. Silverman described the events that happened next: “I noticed that in the body of the email, all [Appen] wrote was, ‘What are you doing later? Chizzy.’” “I was like, ‘What the hell?’” continued Silverman, “He saw me online, so why didn’t he just send me an IM instead of making me think I had something important in my mailbox?” Appen could not be reached for comment as he was writing an email to his roommate about the dishes piling up in the sink.
Things to Do During Lecture
10. Watch the couple in the back make out 9. See how far you can pee 8. Get a sponge bath 7. Try to guess what language the professor is speaking 6. Sit in an empty lecture hall 5. Take copious notes 4. Take off your pants 3. See how long you can hold your breath 2. See how long your neighbor can hold his breath 1. Get out of bed and make yourself breakfast
Area Virgin Not Going To See 40 Days and 40 Nights By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editors Hopelessly frustrated 22-yearold virgin Jed Royce announced to roommates Friday that he has no intention of going to see 40 Days and 40 Nights, the new Josh Hartnett movie in which the teen heart-throb plays an attractive and charismatic sex addict, who spends 40 days struggling to not have intercourse with countless beautiful and horny women. The Marshall fourth year, whose longest relationship to date lasted the extent of one recess in the 6th grade, insists that his unwillingness to see 40 Days and 40 Nights has nothing to do with the fact that he has not seen a female breast in 19 years and 8 months. “I just don’t want to watch that movie, OK?” Royce said. “I’ll probably just go to some bars or something tonight,” said Royce while drenching his neck in New York Nights Designer Imposters Fragrance for men. “But I’m really not interested in seeing that movie. It’s all fake anyway. Nothing like that ever happens in real life.” The Electrical Engineering major should know. After approximately 10 years of fruitlessly initi-
ating conversations with beautiful women, he is well-aware of the fact that sex is no easy thing to get. “A hot guy can’t just walk up to a girl and then have sex. Girls want more than that. They want a sophisticated guy. Someone who will understand them and listen to their problems. Someone with culture. That’s why I’ve been taking Tango lessons for 2 years.” Added Royce: “Girls don’t just throw themselves at ‘hunks’ like Josh Hartnett or Dan, Ashlye, Trevor, Jacob and Erik from OTown. Girls want more than that.” “Would I have sex with Josh Hartnett? Hell yes!” said Roosevelt third year Monica Harper while waiting in line Friday to buy tickets for the opening night showing of 40 Days and 40 Nights. Her three girlfriends were adamant that they also would eagerly engage in intercourse with the “super-hot” Hartnett if given the opportunity. Despite an apparent large degree of interest among females with whom he, “would really like to get to know on a very intimate level,” Royce is quick to criticize 40 Days and 40 Nights for its puffy content. “I really don’t have any reason to see this movie. It doesn’t benefit society. It’s just some stu-
photo by Howard Havana
The star of 40 Days and 40 Nights, Josh Hartnett, seen here ready to explode at T-Minus 10.
pid, unrealistic movie about sex.” Pausing for a moment to check the Morpheus download speed of Slut Hunt 5, he continued. “And I can be honest here. I really don’t understand the point of this film, if you can call it that. There’s just nothing impressive to me about going 40 days without sex. That’s no big deal, you know? Most
people who have had sex don’t have it, like, all the time. So who cares?” “I’m going to go and actually talk to some people tonight, because I’m interested in more meaningful connections,” said Royce, placing four Trojan Ultra-Ribbed condoms into his chest pocket. “And I mean, you never know,
maybe tonight will be my night to meet someone really special. That sure as hell won’t happen if I go to that dumb movie.” Royce continued to berate the film until his roommate informed him that Hartnet’s character also refrains from masturbating during his 40 days of celibacy, at which point Royce ceased talking.
You. The MQ. Together at last. Tuesdays at Muir’s Half Dome Lounge.
MQ
Page 4
May 1, 2002
Scientists Clone Overpopulation, Drug Addiction, Poverty By Michael Truex Webmaster HOUSTON, TX — Biotechnology firm Wheaton (WHTB.O) announced Monday the world’s first successful cloning of some of humanity’s most deplorable social traits — rampant overpopulation, crippling drug addiction, and abject poverty — which sparked furious debate among experts and patients alike as to the potential benefits and abuses involved. The process, which involves fusing genetic samples of mature societal breakdown with middle class America, has been under development for the past five years, despite heavy fire from government officials. “This is ridiculous,” stated New Jersey Democratic Senator Robert Torricelli. In providing a plentiful source of social malaise, Wheaton has effectively undercut the fledgling economic
growth of the world’s developing nations. With a nigh endless source of cheap overpopulation, addiction, and poverty, these nations are deprived of their primary exports. How, then, are they to improve their quality of life?” Stiff opposition has also been met in the White House. “The entire process of cloning is wrong,” President Bush stated in a press release sent to major news sources. “We should not as a society produce in a laboratory the results of our own wrongs. And that’s exactly what’s taking place here today in this country. If we force farmers and workers out of their lives, we’ll have just let the terrorists win.” Wheaton issued a response to President Bush’s attack, stating that “we do not nor have we ever employed any terrorists in our cloning divisions and, quite frankly, we’re failing to see how cloning a little drug addiction or so will support them.” Edmund Yong, head researcher for Wheaton, holds a more optimis-
tic view of the potential applications. “This might very well be the most significant step in the field of cloning ever taken,” stated Yong, “barring of course the cloning of Dolly the sheep or the release of Multiplicity, starring both Michael Keaton and Andie MacDowell. Some things can never be topped.” Yong stresses, however, that responsible applications of the new technology are at the very least a decade away. “While these developments hold exciting promise — the potential boon to enforced global hegemony and socioeconomic subservience alone is staggering enough — we must be careful to avoid any misuse. However, can we really tell the world’s paralyzed and disabled that they should continue to struggle their way through life because some executives in Washington think it’s immoral to clone poverty, and maybe even one day hunger? I think not.”
Ask an Albuterol Inhaler TOP That’s Never Around When 13 It’s Needed throat constricting. But you need to remain calm. Tearing your room apart as you enter the throes of asphyxiation isn’t going to help you find me at all, because I’m sitting right where you left me, next to your deodorant in the bathroom medicine cabinet. I don’t know why you’re tearing all your books off the shelf right now, I’m not anywhere near there. If only you could just stop flailing your arms and think for one minute. This isn’t working.
Dear Albuterol Inhaler That’s Never Around When It’s Needed, I’m a college freshman, and my roommate and I have been getting along really well since we moved in back in September. She’s got this one habit, though, of never turning off her mp3’s, even when she leaves the room, and I have to go and turn them off. It’s no big deal, but for some reason it’s really been grating on my nerves lately. I’m worried about bringing it up because we get along so well otherwise. Am I being hypersensitive, or is this something I should talk to her about? —Aggravated in Argo Dear Aggravated, The funny thing about suffocating to death is that a great sense of urgency passes over you right when you feel your
Dear Albuterol Inhaler That’s Never Around When It’s Needed, I was in line at Ralph’s the other day, and the checkout lines were getting pretty long. On not one, but two occasions, a person with one item asked to cut in front of my line. I didn’t want to be the jerk who said no, but then again, it was getting pretty annoying. Their bad, or mine? —Rude in Ralphs Dear Rude, To treat your asthma attack, there are a lot of options available to you other than the beta adrenergic receptor agonists which you left, along with your boxers, in that girl’s bedroom right after you ran out of there this morning. I wouldn’t be any good to you right now anyway, because just after you made your escape, that girl used all my remaining albuteral to try to get high. She’ll be breathing clearly for a couple weeks. But I digress. There are a number of other quick fixes you can turn to - vigorously swabbing your penis with rubbing alcohol causes the smooth muscles of your bronchi to go into spasms. I’m a big fan of theophyline, corticos-
teroids, cromolyn, or nedocromil, and I’ve heard that some people have good luck with anticholinergic drugs. Be aware, however, that excessive use of a leukotrene modifier might relax some muscles other than the ones in your throat. Dear Albuterol Inhaler That’s Never Around When It’s Needed, Sometimes when I’m eating dinner at another person’s house, I have trouble getting the very last bite of food on the fork. Ordinarily I would just push it onto my fork with my finger, but I’m reluctant to do this at a host’s dinner table. Then again, I don’t want them to think I didn’t enjoy the meal. What’s the polite thing to do? —Floundering with food in Florida Dear Floundering, An asthma attack can be over in minutes, or it can last hours or even a couple of days. Of course, you don’t have to worry about the last two options, because you’ll probably be dead within the next five minutes. Haven’t you even looked at my label? You think your mom went to all that trouble to write “take with you everywhere” in that huge red sharpie, just so you could go and die right now? All those kids are right. You really are the dumbest eight year old in school.
Ask an Albuterol Inhaler That Is Never Around When You Need It is published monthly in the MQ.
Rejected Top Ten Lists
13. Rejected Top Ten Lists 12. Girls You Haven’t Had Sex With 11. Favorite Types of Atoms 10. People Named Steve 9. Reasons to Transfer to Davis 8. Sexual Fish Species 7. Reasons the Giants Won’t Win the World Series 6. Ways to Cure Whisky Dick 5. Third World Countries 4. People at UCSD you can’t trust 3. Alternative versions of the Bible 2. Numbers 1. Things That Religious People Will Try to Teach You on Library Walk
TOP 8
Reasons Breasts are Fun
8. The left one 7. The right one 6. The nipple 5. The teat 4. Your sister has them 3. Cleavage 2 . The waterbra 1. Always useful as an indicator of temperature
MQ
March 6, 2002
Page 5
TOP TEN
photo by James Meeker
Salt Lake City or Mogadishu? We couldn’t tell, either.
Olympians Flee Salt Lake City for War-torn Homelands By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor After nineteen days of fierce competition, Olympic athletes from around the globe are glad to be getting the fuck out of Utah, and returning back to their impoverished, war-torn, famine-stricken, disease-ridden homelands. “After Salt Lake City, Rwanda looks like paradise,” said last place skeleton competitor Thabo Umbeki. “The whole experience was kind of disappointing. When I heard they had an event called
skeleton, I thought I’d win for sure. I didn’t know it had anything to do with sliding headfirst down an ice chute.” Many were disappointed with the social life Salt Lake City had to offer. “After nineteen days of celibate Mormon girls, I’m ready to go back to my country and have sex with an HIV positive six-year old boy,” said Thai figure skater Doung Nyguen. Doung Nyduen wasn’t the only one who found the Mormon culture to be lacking. “I’ll take amoebic dysentery over the Church of Latter Day Saints any day,” said
Things to Say to the Homeless
10. Stop touching me 9. Gee, you look cold 8. Poverty isn’t that bad 7. Dance! 6. You’re locked in a bathroom 5. Would you eat your own feces for …34 cents? 4. What’d you expect? You were a Philosophy major! 3. Can I have a bite of that? 2. I loved you in the “Pier 1” commercials 1. Leave me alone, Mom!
Chinese biathlete Xiaxae Chian. Bosnian curling star Sasha Hertzagoviatz seemed to agree. “Eating was nice and all, but I’m glad to be home and out of that hellhole.” The introduction of foreign culture into Salt Lake City provided many local residents with a broader view of the world. “I never before realized what a giant sulphurous asshole Salt Lake City was, said longtime resident Gordon B. Hinkley. “On the last day, I went to the airport and begged the Congolese bobsleders to smuggle me back in their sled.”
photo by Liz Erwin
Gujarat is nowhere near as smart as Dr. Jones, Boal’s favorite professor.
Student’s Professor is “Totally Dumb” By James Meeker Assistant Content Editor UCSD Physics professor David Gujarat is “a complete friggin’ moron,” according to statements made last Thursday by Muir senior Nicholas Boal, who expressed frustration with Gujarat’s frequent tardiness. “Last Tuesday [Gujarat] was, like, fifteen minutes late for class,” said Boal, whose 2.1 GPA is just enough to keep him from academic probation. “He comes walking in at 1:40, and we’re like, ‘hey dummy, class starts at 1:25.’ And to top it all off, he forgot to bring our midterms with him. Man, what an idiot.” Gujarat, who was nominated for the Nobel Prize in physics in 1974 for his doctoral work on magnetic fields in sector-focusing cyclotrons, attributes the tardiness to his preoccupation with other matters. “I was discussing energy levels of synchrotron radiation with
a colleague, and I simply lost track of time. That’s an interesting little irony, because I’m currently trying to understand the fundamental nature of time, and its implications for our conception of inertia.” According to Boal, whose proudest moment was when he completed a 23 second keg stand, Gujarat’s tardiness is not the only sign of his mental limitations. “Earlier this week, he was trying to teach us some long, super-complicated formula for determining the coefficient of the energy discharged by colliding particles,” said Boal, “and he wrote ‘m’ on the board where he should have written ‘mv’. Like we weren’t having enough trouble understanding that crap without him screwing up the equation.” “Seriously,” added Boal, “where did he get his Ph.D. anyways, off the back of a matchbook? ‘Cuz I didn’t know they gave Ph.Ds to retards.”
MQ Presents... Sixth College’s Student of the Future Solar Powered Beret
Paint Brush
Barcode, Necessary to Register for Classes
Severely Learning Disabled, Couldn’t Get into ERC
Robot Arm
Six Fingered, Sixth College Logo
RA Requirements for Sixth College: 1. Show up. 3. Know Kung Fu. 4. Be able to speak that snotty way artists do, about calculus. 5. See the beauty in chemistry. Especially the aesthetic patterns acid makes when thrown on your TA’s face. 6. Tear up a computer for ‘installation art’… and then put it back together again. 7. Have a positive attitude. After all, you’ll be living in a shithole even ERC students are glad to get out of. 8. Participate in IM Dungeons and Dragons. 10. Have a strong constitution for the two mile hike into campus every morning. 11. Blow the Res. Dean. 13. Never, ever, drink. Ever. 14. Fail miserably at everything. 16. Participate in the mandatory stage production of “Star Trek- the Musical”.
Matrix Jack
Tent and Backpack to Cope with Homelessness
Each Student Given a Palm Pilot... Instead of Housing
Mandatory Tattoos of Corporate Sponsorships
In the Future, Gender Inequality Will be Solved with Hyperandrogeny Portable Nutrient Caplets Become Only Remaining Food Source on Monopolistic One-Rate Plan Holographic Pants
Failed to get an RA assignment from your college? Don’t despair, apply to be one at Sixth College. No experience required... or wanted. If you had any, you would have been taken already. Only first 50 applicants eligible for free RA assignment. If you are a hardcore drug addict, please be prepared to provide an extra letter of recommendation.
TOP TEN
Ways to Fuck Up a Sixth College Student:
10. Ctrl Alt Del 9. Get ‘em drunk, while being that every 3rd UCSD guy 8. About a shot of vodka 7. EM Pulse. 6. Flush their palm pilots. 5. “Star Trek isn’t real” 4. “No one cares about obscure French film” 3. Tell a joke 2. Lock the doors to AP&M 1 . Run over their parents
MQ Head to Head: VS. Sixth College Sixth Grade Career Plans Astronaut
Jedi Knight
Housing Shared room with masturbating stranger
Shared room with bedwetting brother
Dating Cooties
Syphillis
Teachers Teachers who don’t understand you
Teachers you don’t understand
Recess 15 minutes of handball, molestation
10 minute walk from Warren Lecture Hall
Parties Best friend’s birthday sleepover with a 40 oz.
Meet the Provost of Sixth College: Max Headroom Q: What will the General Educational requirements at Sixth College look like? A: W-w-w-w-we expect t-t-t-t-o see a synthesis of science and t-t-t-t-technology in our GE’s. We’re looking at Binary Haikus, 01 and 10, Cubist Geometry 7A, and the Culture of Max Hadroom: Provost of Microsoft 10B. Sixth Collge, ComputerQ: How would you describe what you expect to be the student life at sixth college? A: It sh-sh-sh-should slow down on cloudy days, and there’ll b-bb-be mandatory circumcision. Q: What kind of students will Sixth College be attracting? A: W-w-w-we’re plan-n-n-n-ing to have a lot of M-m-m-muir rejects and those who can type f-f-f-fast one-handed. Q: Where’re Sixth College students going to be eating on campus? A: S-s-s-students will be e-e-e-eating from replicators in their rooms and from IR n-n-n-nourishment ports. Q: Are there any prospective names for Sixth College? A: W-w-w-we’re M-m-m-mostly considering nerd icons like Linda Hamilton and Deana Troi College.
themq.com
Counter-strike on LAN with a 40 oz.
Where Will You Live Next Year? 1. 6th College kids go to Camp Snoopy. 2. ERC freshmen go to Pepper Canyon & Mathews Apts. 3. ERC sophomores go to Warren Apts. 4. Warren kids trek through Sinai Desert for 40 Years. 5. Revelle kids go to hell.
4.
3.
2.
1. 5.
TOP TEN
Ways to Pick Up a Sixth College Student:
10. From above with a magnet 9 . At frat parties 8 . A search engine 7 . “Have you seen the latest Enterprise?” 6 . Read the Guardian 5 . Have a car like on “Knight Rider” 4 . “I know Kung Fu” 3 . Text message 2 . Set foot on campus 1 . Breathe
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March 6, 2002
Religious Zealot Disappointed to Learn He is Living in the Matrix By Elijah Zarlin Brother Jed Die-hard religious zealot Joshua Greenwood was extremely disappointed Monday to learn that he was living in the Matrix, sources outside of the Matrix said today. Greenwood had always assumed that what he saw, felt, thought and experienced was real. He recently discovered however that what he had previously understood to be reality was actually only a digitally generated fictitious world, fed to his brain through a metal plug in the back of his head and designed to distract him from the fact that his life has been spent in a tub of purple slime as he served his purpose of an energy generator for the unspeakably horrible android beings who had, hundreds of years ago, turned against their human creators and ravaged the Earth, destroying humanity as Green-
wood thought he knew it. Says Greenwood, “This discovery has really challenged my belief in the existence of God.” Because Greenwood had always incorrectly assumed that his reality was in fact real, he based his life accordingly. For Greenwood, this eventually meant making religion a cornerstone of who he was and striving to share his message with others. “I was trying to help people see the light, so that when the time came, they could be saved and brought into another world of eternal peace and harmony, like I would be. So much for that.” Ironically, it was Greenwood’s rock solid religious fervor that ultimately brought him to his present, true, reality. “I was having what I thought was a heated debate, with what I thought was some guy, on what I thought was Library Walk, about the existence of God. I said I was right, because I had a book that proved it. He told me I was wrong. I asked him to prove that, and he offered me a red pill and promised that
if I took it I would have irrefutable proof of how wrong I was. Of course I took the pill to prove him wrong, but the next thing I knew, this giant spider thing is pulling me out of a tank of ooze and yanking a metal cord out of the back of my head.” A true and true optimist, Greenwood has tried to remain positive about his new reality, which includes, among other things, that everything he thought he knew was wrong. “Then again,” says Greenwood, “I was preparing for another world. I just didn’t realize that when I got there, I would be a nameless, faceless, power cell for the very pseudo-beings that I didn’t know destroyed my world in the first place.” Greenwood does have regrets however. “To think, I refrained from having all kinds of meaningless sex and doing all kinds of drugs…really doing anything fun at all, because I thought there was something higher and more important. Fuck.”
Photo courtesy of Truex and Pajamas
Greenwood is just about ready to let it all hang out.
rejiggered, rejuiced, ready tto o roc k . www .themq.com rock www.themq.com
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March 6, 2002
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POINT–COUNTERPOINT POINT–COUNTERPOINT:: WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH
Women’s History Month is a wonderful opportunity to celebrate women! MARY MCELLERSON activist housewife March is National Women’s History Month, and we should take advantage of this opportunity to celebrate and honor all of the wonderful achievements that women have made over the years. We should take this time to remember such great women as Mary Harris Jones, who led child workers on a march from Pennsylvania to President Roosevelt’s vacation home on Long Island in 1903, to protest the evils of child labor.
And who could forget Bella Abzug, the groundbreaking feminist and anti-war activist who served in the United States Congress from 1971 to 1977? Ms. Abzug has spent her entire life fighting for humanitarian causes, and is an excellent example of what women can do if they put their minds to it. The valuable role that women have played in society is frequently ignored in the male-oriented history books that are used to teach our children. According to studies, only two to three percent of history books are devoted to women. In light of this, National Women’s History Month is a much needed time to reflect on all the things that women have given us.
That’s great, Honey, but don’t you have some house work to do? HARVEY MCELLERSON corporate misogynist Honey, I think it’s fantastic that you have a whole month to celebrate women’s accomplishments, but aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself? Now don’t get me wrong, you deserve this month as much as any woman. But shouldn’t you be washing that big pile of dirty laundry? Of course we need to honor all the contributions that women have made. Where would we be without the achievements of pioneering women like Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale and...um...well, I’m sure there were others. But we need to make sure that we don’t let the accomplishments of the past keep women from doing great things in the present. Like ironing my shirt, for example. No, not that one,
the blue one. I’m so glad that you have National Women’s History Month to celebrate the things that women have done. Now March is right on par with January, our National Oatmeal Month, and September, the International Square Dancing Month. Yes ma’am, getting your own month has really moved you women up to a whole new level. But I suppose it’s not really your own month, since you have to share it with National Philatelic Society Month, National Red Cross Month, National Rosacea Awareness Month, and National Talk to Your Teens About Sex Month. But I have to say, of the many, many groups and food products that share the month of March, women are easily one of the top few. Hadn’t you better go check on the baby, Sweetie? I think I hear him crying. I guess what I’m trying to say is happy National Women’s Month, darling. Now what’s for dinner?
photo by Zankers
Professor Heldenvald, seen here with a focus group of Preuss School students, developing methods.
LING Dep t. Disco s Dept. Discovver ers wW ords Zwikkity Ne Words New
“Grigg and thedated,” says professor By Mr. Zank’s kid Lilk Editor The UCSD Language Research Department announced that its linguists have discovered hundreds of new and zwikkity words that had previously gone unnoticed by writers and speakers of English throughout recorded history. The announcement comes on the heels of a press release by the Molecular Biology Department in which they reveal their recently discovered cure for unhappiness. “Most of the scientific community overlooks the research being done by linguists to try and solve the world’s language problems,” said Linguistics De-
TOP TEN
partment chair Herb Schlotzky, “but there are dozens of hard-working linguists all over the world trying to make it a prunder, better place. None of them may cure cancer, or trypsiacaphicitis, but their contributions are septinocuously appreciated. ” Language research is conducted by putting letters into centrifuges and spinning them until the letters are in a different order. The new arrangement of letters is checked for any possible meaning. “We did that until the budget was cut last year,” said project linguist James Ho. “Now we just get out a Scrabble board and kind of mix stuff around. We have a pool and at the end of each
year, the linguist with the most points gets a free jentum.” “The hardest part is figuring out exactly what all these new words mean,” said project director Ameesh Singh.” For example, it took us about four months to find out that ‘potanglio’ was a noun describing a group of dancing women throwing ceramic dinner plates.” Singh expressed displeasure at the notion that the Linguistics Department was simply trying to gain attention out of jealousy of other research departments. “Irregardless of what other people do, the achievement of our researchers shouldn’t be overlooked by the scientific community at large,” he finished.
Ways tto o Celebrat e Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
10. Wear a green leotard 9. Eat children... with butter 8. Pelt an Englishman with potatoes 7 . Murder some limey Protestants 6. Put green food coloring in your children’s food so that they forget about your failed marriage 5. Four words: Beer and Lucky Charms 4. Dye your mother green 3. Take Communion 2. Deep-fry your cat 1 . Get O’Wasted
Join the MQ. Feel the love.
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March 6, 2002
Nine Year-old Activist Fights for Gender Equity on Elementary School Cafeteria Menu By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor SAN DIEGO, CA—Seeking to correct over 50 years of “deeply ingrained sexism in our elementary school lunch program,” 9 year-old Oak Park Elementary School student Kimmie Lopez filed suit against the city of San Diego Monday, demanding that the name of the most popular item on the lunch menu of be changed from “Sloppy Joe” to “Sloppy Jane.” “There’s no reason that this subtle and damaging form of gender bias should continue to corrupt the minds of our K through 5 world any longer,” Lopez said Monday at a sparsely attended rally she organized during recess. Struggling to be heard over the feedback her braces created in her Fisher-Price Crowd Pleaser Microphone, Lopez continued, “What does it say about sexual equality in this country, when, from a young age, American children are encouraged to eat Sloppy Joe, but not to eat Sloppy Jane?” Fixing one of her two pigtails, Lopez added: “When you consider our country’s history of heteronormativity, it’s ironic that
all my male peers are eating Sloppy Joe.” City attorneys seemed unconcerned about the lawsuit however, noting that the case had no grounding in legal precedent. “What’s more, we feel changing the name to Sloppy Jane would not be in the best interest of our school’s cafeterias,” said City legal council Jesse Pitman. “Can you imagine the decline in productivity that would occur in the work of cafeteria servers, as a result of being repeatedly asked by 6-10 year olds for ‘seconds on Sloppy Jane’? Nothing would get done. I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if the fat kid asks for thirds. Lord knows I couldn’t be expected to hold a ladle steady under those conditions.” Reaction to the suit has been largely absent among the other student’s at Oak Park, who seem mostly apathetic to a potential name switch. Said 5th grader Lilly Robard, “Listen mister, I don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout, but mommy just said I’ll be in trouble if I get Sloppy Joe on my shirt. She said I can get Sloppy Joe all over my face as long as I don’t get it on my shirt.” “Gender equity?” said 4th grader Mikey Lido. “Is that like when mommy got her insides taken out so
photo by Elijah “joe” Zarlin
Kimmie Lopez is no Sloppy Jane on the front lines of the war against gender bias.
she couldn’t have any more babies? No, um, that was, um, a
hister equity. I don’t know can I eat my lunch? I gotta’ go claim my
seconds before all the Sloppy Joes get eaten.”
Greenspan Foresees End of Recession; Greenspan Mistaken
photo courtesy of Alan Greenspan (thanks, Al!)
The world’s most powerful molerat.
By James Meeker Assistant Content Editor Wall Street responded with rampant enthusiasm to a report by Alan Greenspan on Friday that “the end of the recession is in sight.” The Dow Jones industrial average surged nearly 150 points following Greenspan’s comments, but the upturn came to an abrupt end only minutes later when Greenspan announced that he had been mis-
taken. “After an extensive examination of recent consumer trends, as well as the fourth quarter gains of major businesses, I was sure that I could see the end of the recession,” said Greenspan. “But as it turns out, when I thought I saw economic improvement it was really just a mote of dust on my glasses. No, we’re still in a lot of trouble.”
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March 6, 2002
Page 11
ARENA What are you doing for Spring Break?
I’m going home, like I do every weekend.
Finally having a bowel movement.
Anyone who’s willing. Rrrrrow.
Sarah Jackson
Budgie Rambler
Irene Johansson
The Taint
TV Personality
Plaything
Studying for Winter Quarter finals...I got hit by a car.
Jitney Summers Novelist
My hair, make-up, and a shitload of coke.
Pamela Gersham Aspiring Model
Organizing my pornography collection by dick size.
Katja Slutskaya Estonian Economist
Student Perspective “I can’t believe my campus organization was able to adapt the ‘Got Milk?’ ad campaign to advertise our event!” By Reid Barrett Distribution Manager Earlier last week my campus organization was searching for a way to promote our event to the UCSD populace. We were racking our brains for a gimmick to make our posters memorable to an apathetic student body. Who knew that we would find the answer in the unlikeliest of places…the “Got Milk?” ad campaign! At first I was very skeptical. This ad campaign has worked so well for the Dairy Industry that I assumed it could never work for any other product or service. Boy, was I wrong! Our publicity coordinator must be some kind of magician, because when I saw how well she had adapted the
“Got Milk?” theme to our event I “got flabbergasted!” Listen to me rant! That night we churned out poster after poster, using the “Got Milk?” theme over and over in so many different ways. It was the chameleon of publicity ideas. We made posters like, “Got our campus organization?”, “Got our campus event?”, and “Got a nondescript emotion or attribute you should have to be part of our campus organization?” The ideas were endless. I can’t believe we’re the first and only group to have successfully adapted the “Got Milk” ad campaign to something other than milk. “Got a great catchphrase?” We do.
mq for life. one love to our homies. tuesdays at 10. half dome. muir.
photo by Brian Uiga
Elmer and Goodyear, just before the yard duty pulled them apart.
Goodyear, Elmer’s Glue Feud Escalates to Predictable Levels By Brian Uiga Staff Writer A feud involving the CEOs of Goodyear Tires and Elmer’s Glue has risen to predictable levels following an incident where the Goodyear CEO attempted a hostile corporate takeover at the National Tire-and-Glue Fair. Enraged, the Elmer’s CEO accused the Goodyear CEO of an illegal monopoly before squirting a juice box over the Goodyear CEO’s Armani suit, prompting a swift retribution from the Goodyear CEO in the form of
several “wet willies.” Amongst outbursts that the Goodyear CEO “will never be his best friend,” the Elmer’s CEO violently picked his nose and attempted to smear the contents on the Goodyear CEO. Failing at this task, the Elmer’s CEO attempted again to verbally assault the Goodyear CEO. The Goodyear CEO responded with a trite response that he, “didn’t want that stupid sticky company anyway.” The Elmer’s CEO, improvising a response, asserted that the
Goodyear CEO was essentially a “booger brain,” and that, due to his strategy, the Goodyear CEO was a “bad person.” But the Goodyear CEO, now tiring of the exchange, swiftly ended the conflict by stating that, due to the nature of the media produced by each respective company, Goodyear’s CEO was unwise to continue any legal action or face nefarious corporate retribution. Said Johnson, “I’m rubber; you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
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March 6, 2002
Trading Cards: Famous Womyn in Herstory Marie Callendar
Yoko Ono
RuPaul
3.14
Strength: Baked Goods Weakness: Yeast Infection
Chyna
?
Strength: Looks Better In a Dress than the Average 7-foot Woman Weakness: Penis
Mary Magdalene 38D
Occupation: Tearing Men Limb From Limb Secret Wish: Kiss a boy
3:16
Specialty: Caters to Foot Fetishes Occupation: Christ’s whore
Mary Lou Retton -1
Talent: Screeching and Caterwauling Hobby: Making the world cry
Canadian Women’s Hockey Team
29
Pun: Chicks with Sticks Weakness: Frigid
10
Experience:
Gymnastics Talent: Gone
Christopher Columbus’ Wife 1492
Notable Achievement: Nagging Drove Husband Halfway Across the World
Girls Gone Wild Videos! Your favorie wild girls video series has taken their cameras to the UCSD campus to capture the pure fun-ness. Buy these fucking videos, perv.
Buy UCSD Girls Gone Wild and UCSD Girls Gone Wild 2 and we will send you Puess School Girls Gone Wild (bottom, left) FREE AND we will also send you a rebate for 10 FREE minutes for 1-900-UCSD-GRL (top, left).