MQ JUNE 5, 2001
University of California San Diego
MQ Runs Trite Theme Issue In a desperate and ill-conceived attempt to placate all parties within the publication, the MQ editorial board decided to amalgamate several theme ideas into a general “themed issue.” “All the theme ideas we could come up with were crap,” said MQ Editor in Chief Colin Parent. “So we figured ten or twelve crappy ideas were a lot better than one.” Student response over the theme issue has been sparse, as at press time, no one had read the issue.
NOT IN THIS ISSUE
Geneticist has fetish for gamete on gamete action
GETS AROUND
V olume VIII Issue VII
WE WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME GOOD, GOOD LOVIN’
WORLD FUCKED By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor
The world is deeply, unfathomably fucked, “far, far more than it ever has been before,” according to a statement released by everyone Tuesday. Citing conflicts between the Israelis and Palestinians, India and Pakistan, the US and Terror, societal values and the common good, the fox news network and decency, Republicans and a sensible drug policy, toothpaste and orange juice, and free will and the existence of an omniscient being, Earth’s populace collectively determined the world to be hopelessly beyond all possibility of salvation. “I totally died in vain,” said Jesus Christ, who previously considered himself to be Lord and Savior prior to giving up his efforts at rescuing this crappy world. “You guys really, really messed up.” While most are disappointed about the impending demise of the world, many can not shed their charismatic optimism. “On the upside,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “I can finally get a good nights sleep, now that I don’t give a crap who else dies on this godforsaken planet.” Although the announcement came as a surprise to the few remaining tribal peoples fortunate
photo by Michael “Second Coming” Truex
The world may be fucked, but at least we get to print in full color. Thanks MCC!
enough to live in total isolation from global society, reaction was minimal among everyone else. “Of
course the world is in deep trouble,” said Pakistani citizen Visvesh Seshadri. “We’re about to
initiate the first nuclear strike in 60 years over Kashmir. What on God’s green earth is Kashmir?”
One Quarter of UCSD Students Not Expected to Return in Fall By Ted McCombs Staff Writer
Congressman discovers Chandra Levi while digging shallow grave for other dead intern FALSIFIED QUOTE “If he can get up and walk around afterwards it wasn’t good sex.” – Jessica Alba themq.com
One quarter of UCSD students will abandon UCSD this June, according to the results of a survey of student’s future plans, released Monday. The survey, Conducted by the Undergraduate Affairs office, was commissioned to gauge student satisfaction within the University. Despite overall satisfaction with their academic experience at UCSD, almost 25% of student’s surveyed had “little or no intention to continue their education at UCSD. “These are shocking and puzzling statistics,” said UCSD Chancellor Robert C. Dynes. “We as a community must combat this alarming depletion of the student body. Administrators are scrambling to discover the cause behind this mass exodus of UCSD undergraduates and implement practical solutions. “It seems like it might have something to do with the lack of on-campus housing, since almost all of the leaving students are commuters,” said study designer Aaron Suarez. “It’s also interesting to note that all are fourth or fifth years, but that’s a link we’re still trying to figure out.”
At the college level, the Revelle give a more specific reason for his Provost has announced the addi- plans to depart from UCSD, tion of two more quarters of Hu- Farshadian added: “I’m fucking manities, along with a new six- graduating, you moron.” With Graduation Day just quarter general education sequence on the History of Biology. around the corner, UCSD officials Not to be outdone, administrators are struggling to come up with at Eleanor Roosevelt College have some sort of “entrance program” imposed a mandatory second ma- for “new students.” According to jor in Organic Chemistry for all ERC Dynes, “the Admissions staff is students. “We are extremely determined to serve the education of our students,” said Revelle Acting Provost Barbara Sawrey. “And we’ll never let them go.” Students seemed indifferent to the studies findings or its possible ramifications. “I don’t know, I just think I’ve gotten everything I can out of UCSD,” said Warren Senior Donald Farshadian, explaining his decision not to return to UCSD next fall. “You know, now that I’ve completed my degree and everything.” When asked to And you thought Sun God fucked you up in May.
looking into the recruitment of current high school seniors, and perhaps minorities.” Added the Chancellor, “while I recognize that these are highly unorthodox propositions, we must be open to every possibility. This campus is in crisis, and we as administrators must help the undergraduates…no really, I’m not kidding.”
photo by Ted McCombs
Page 2 • June 5, 2002
MQ in NeoTokyo TOP TEN
Catastrophe Strikes Tokyo
Disaster results from authorities’ over-zealous efforts to save city from much smaller threat
By Colin Parent Editor-in-Chief Responding to mounting public demand for general cost of living to slow it’s recent growth, Tokyo officials deployed their Giant Robot Defender, Orbital Laser Array, and Secret Cadre of Psychically Enhanced Warrior Children, while unleashing the city’s Sacred Uncontrollable Magical Energy Force Sealed Millennia Ago by Four Wise Sages and/or Samurai, resulting in an apocalyptic level event Monday. “The situation facing the city’s cost of living increases was dire,” said Tokyo Mayor Akira Fukamoto. “It was necessary that we took decisive action. Unfortunately, such action resulted in bil-
lions in property damage and millions of civilian deaths.” Monday’s incident has come on the heels of a series of apocalyptic-type events spurred by seemingly insignificant problems suffered by the city. The level of human and material casualties resulting from these events have caused some members of the Tokyo community to term the responses as ‘’overkill.” “I was very worried when I heard that the Yoshima Heavy Industries lost control of their giant robotic constriction drones,” said floral artist Hayashi Nakamura. “But when the authorities responded by releasing a viral strain of genetically re-engineered Ebola, I was a little more worried.” Criticism of Tokyo’s leadership
on issues of crisis has been expressed from as far as the UN. “Although it may not be my place to criticize Japan’s internal policies, it is well outside of international norms to deal with an urban fruit fly infestation with multiple volleys of independentlyguided air-to-air missiles,” said an spokesperson for the UN Commission for Agriculture. Members of Japan’s academic community have suggested that the recent catastrophes are in part, due to Japan’s nuclear experience from World War II. Sociology Professor Akane Ichiro of Ito University has argued that the tremendous amount of self-inflicted damage to the Tokyo area, is an expression of the Japanese Nuclear trauma, and in part, is a subcon-
American Pop Cultural Icons Translated Into Japanese and Back Into English
10. Mickey Mouse - Sexy Rodent Hotpants Warrior 9. George W. Bush - Little Samurai Cocaine Ranger 8. LA Lakers - Giant Purple Lion Net Heroes 7. Nike - Pretty Pretty Rape Third World Feet Machines 6. Friends - The Happy Monkey Marcel Show 5. Pokemon - Fuck You, America 4. X-Men - Turbo Mutant Bald-Man Ninja Team 3. Britney Spears - Happy Plastic Bouncy Doll Princess 2. Star Wars - Super Farmboy Jedi Robo Team 1. Jeopardy - Reverse Buzzer Bing-Bing Canadian Man scious effort to normalize and rationalize the nuclear experience. “This process of dealing with the horrific reality of Hiroshima and Nagasaki has been a part of Japanese culture and media since the middle of the 20th century,” said Ichiro. “But dealing with this legacy should be relegated to science fiction and literature, not by combating an outbreak of influenza with a series of deadly house fires.” Financial backers of Tokyo politicians have made recent and public threats to pull support from those officials whose actions have negatively affected their business operations. Matoko Yokohano, Director of Corporate Assets of the Genome Corporation, announced in a press conference Tuesday her
company’s interest in reevaluating their contributions to Mayor Akira Fukamoto. This reevaluation, according to Yokohano, is in direct response to the Tokyo police’s collapsing of the Genome Corporate Center, in an ambush set for Garamonon, the giant lightningbreathing radioactive Iguana created by famed nuclear scientist/ playboy, Hideo Matsuhiro, that rampages Tokyo every seven years during the Fall months. “The Genome Corporation is a willing participant in any defense of the city or its surrounding communities,” said Yokohano. “But leveling a commercial district on a Tuesday afternoon seems a little irresponsible. They could have at least told us to evacuate the 12,000 employees working there.”
MQ Staff Editor in Chief Chief.......................Colin Parent Managing Edit or Editor or......................Elijah Zarlin Cont ent Edit or ... Content Editor or... .................Jasmine de Lung Asst. Cont ent Edit or Content Editor or..................James Meeker Design Edit or Editor or...............................Liz Erwin Font Slut Slut...............................David Hughes Layout Bitch Bitch..................Laura Schniedwind Graphics Whore Whore......................Andy Collins Webmast er ebmaster er............................Michael Truex Recruitment.... Recruitment............................Reid Barrett Social Direct or Director or...................Laura Paajanen Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member...............................Zank Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member...........Nick Lieberknecht Sr Sr.. Staf Stafff Member Member..................Megan Laver Tool of Satan.................Justin Satan Williams Muir Dean Dean........................Patty Mahaffey
The MQ Staff: Maybe the best looking publication staff at UCSD. Who’re we kidding? It’s no contest. All the others are FUGLY. “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..” All content is copyright © 2002 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. That’s Colin now. Colin fucking rules, for a looser. Hell, even loosers know that “loosers” has only one “o.” What a tool. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes. You know the best part of being the Editor in Cheif of the MQ? I’m the only fucking humorist salaried by the state of California. That fucking rules. But the worst part of it is that I know that I’m never EVER going to have a paying job working for a humor newspaper, hence: I’m still enrolled in a university where I’ve completely finished my degree... but hey, I love my job, and my readership. You’re all very very hot.
MQ Staff Members Meg O’Neill Sean Kane Adam Armstead Dave Krimper Adina Ackerman Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Carly Young Aaron Sheinbein
Akemi Hong Doug Hanes Nick Thaler Gabe Kreb Jimmy Bennett Rachel Audino Johnnie Chi Brent Hecht Richard Lim
Brian Uiga Leroy Johnson Lauren Cooper Pierced Heather Daniel Baron Carol Freire Phil Duncan Ted McCombs David Lin
MQ Booster Club Dale “48oz of Freedom” Burner Geoff–Grandpa Kalin the Cutie
Page 3 • June 5, 2002
MQ at a School That Doesn’t Totally Suck Vice-Chancellor That Doesn’t Totally Suck Vocally Supports Beer Garden, Students By Colin Parent Editor-in-Chief
Dr. Watson savors the sweet taste of student support
A Student Perspective
In a typical display of support for his constituent student body, Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joseph Watson has approved another campus beer garden for the upcoming second annual Muirstock festival and concert. The announcement of the approval of the beer garden has become a welcomed tradition to the students of UCSD. “My friends, it is my sincere pleasure to ensure that students enjoy being students!” said Watson in his speech, which was greeted with cheers and applause by the many attendees in the Price Center Plaza. The Vice Chancellor’s regular and generous efforts to improve student life at UCSD have been recognized by student leaders, alumni, and community members alike. “I love knowing our administrators support our efforts here on campus,” said Muir College Council Chair Rick Lieberknocht. “I can’t imagine having any pride in my school if I thought all the University cared about was research and med school applications.” This year’s Muirstock is slated to attract a number of alumni to the UCSD campus.
by Elijah Zarlin
If I have to have sex with one more hot cheerleader, I won’t have enough energy to pull my hilarious pranks on the administration
You know, the wild party I threw last night on the roof of the Main Lecture hall was fun and all—I mean, the bands were great and plenty of people participated in the Jello wrestling and co-ed naked (boy was it ever!) dance competition—but I have a confession to make: This morning, I was almost too tired to sneak into the Dean’s office and remove the screws from every piece of furniture. Honestly, if I have to have sex with any more hot, lesbian cheerleader twins, I’m not going to have enough energy to continue to pull my hilarious pranks on the administration. I’m serious. You think it’s easy to break into the Chancellor’s office and program his web browser to always go to www.farmsex.com? It’s not. And believe me, it’s a lot harder if
your mind and body are weary from a long night of ecstasy-fueled sex with the majority of the dance team. There comes a time when you just have to draw a line in the sand. I’m not talking about total abstinence—heavens no: I still have to have sex on the 12th and 3rd floor of the library in order to round out my mission—but if there had been 2 or 3 fewer members of the modeling club in my room the other night, then maybe I could have been successful in my efforts to re-route Interstate-6 down the main campus walkway, instead of just parking the Chair of the Chemistry department’s University-subsidized Ferrari in his mistress’ pool. Don’t take this the wrong way. It’s not that I don’t thoroughly enjoy all that this university has to offer, because I do. I love how you can just walk down the alwaysboisterous fraternity row and enjoy mind-expanding intercourse (whatever kind you please) with the first person you make eye contact with. And the parties at The Pit are great. But I have so much left to do. I’m still in negotiations with the defensive line, as well as the crane operators, to move all the cars in the far-North lot in or-
“We’re always excited to come back to campus and reminisce about our great times at our great school,” said UCSD Alumni Association member Ashanti Chen. “Seeing the students here in action really makes me feel a part of the community again, so much so that I just might give something back.” [Editor’s Note: At no time did Chen or any of the Alumni association state that UCSD was a social wasteland and an oppressively academic experience that habitually haunts them in uncontrollable daytime flashbacks.] The annual approval of the Muirstock beer garden, and the overall tone of support from the UCSD administration, has provoked the student body to portray an even greater than average level of school spirit. “I love being at UCSD,” said Warren freshman Linda Fernandez. “Just knowing that I’m a Triton makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I definitely don’t hate going here.” “I was initially skeptical about allowing students to be students,” said La Jolla resident Richard Tsang. “But Joe’s [Watson] brave leadership in putting a little faith in these fine young people, wasn’t such a bad idea. I guess students aren’t less than human after all.”
Daily Student Newspaper That Doesn’t TTot ot ally Suc k otally Suck Publishes Another tic Issue Fant as antas astic By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor
der to make room for the Engineering building. If I were to go through with my plans tonight to record and co-star in my media project at our top ranked School of Aspiring Porn Stars, well, that could seriously jeopardize the relocation project. College is all about prioritizing. Isn’t that what they told us at the opening orientation? (I can’t say I was there, due to an unfortunate situation involving myself and a couple of the doubles duos on the tennis team, which required immediate remedying.) Anyway, there are only so many hours in the day and you have to be as productive as you can. If you think it’s more important to spend yet another night as the designated boy-toy of the Tri-Chi sisters, then that’s your bag. But if you’re looking for me, I’ll be tampering with the results of the Campus Diversity survey. Can you imagine their horror when they think the campus is 42 percent White, 38 percent Asian/Pacific Islander, 11 percent Chicano/Latino, 2 percent African American, 1 percent Native American, and 5 percent other. That would be uncool.
Once again, our school’s daily newspaper The Protector released a strong issue today, equaling or surpassing the quality of the 24 page publication that they released yesterday as well as the day before. The well-respected widely-read paper was picked up by most of our students today, who partook in the well-crafted sentences, informative stories, properly quoted attributions, interesting photos and visually appealing layout. “Yeah, I read The Protector today,” said fourth year student Sandra Nguyen while sipping beer from the balcony of her spacious and fairly-priced on-campus apartment. “It was a good issue. Just like it is everyday.” Many students were pleased with, but not surprised by the notincoherent investigative reporting on the not-boring topic of how a few students were able to foil the plot of the young Reaganites to close down a popular, albeit dirty, house on fraternity row. Said 2nd year Tom Gomez, “I’d say that article was about as good as the article The Protector ran yesterday where they exposed the black market kidney smuggling operation
being run out of the Registrars office.” Added Gomez: “I always knew there was something going on in that place, ever since the time I tried to add myself to Chem 171: Synthesizing Methamphetamines.” Protector Editor-in-Chief Jeffery Norris was pleased with the success of today’s issue, as well as the 200 before it. “I attribute our quality to our diverse staff, which is very much representative of our diverse campus, as well as a working knowledge of grammar, and the school’s politically motivated and knowledgeable student body.” Still, the widespread success and popularity has left many students disappointed. Said Elijah Zarlin, Managing Editor of one of the many humor newspapers on this campus of intelligent and sophisticated, satire-appreciating students, “It’s great that The Protector is such a well done, objective and well-written paper, but it definitely makes my job harder. If only there was a totally inept paper on campus to be the butt of all my jokes. Sure, we might suffer slightly as a school, but I could constantly reference them in articles, and I wouldn’t have to strive to come up with original humor.”
Page 4 • June 5, 2002
MQ in Love
POINT–COUNTERPOINT: Sexual Politics
I’m really glad that I broke up with you JESSICA HAUGHTON ex-girlfriend
I’m glad I broke up with you. It was never going to work, and you were in denial about it, just like you are with everything. It was such a good move on my part because you have some serious problems, like with following through on commitments—I cant believe I ever trusted you to pick up my
mother from the airport. Boy, you totally fucked that up. Besides being irresponsible and immature, you always left the bathroom dirty, you were rude to my best friend, and you needed to work through some serious issues with insecurity. My sister never liked you, and I can’t believe I ever stood up for you to my family. I just hope that you grow up, learn to be a real man, and acquire some ambition to make something of yourself before you make another girl miserable for sixteen months.
I’m really glad that I gave you herpes before you broke up with me CHARLES RAYDEN
time to fuck you over before you dumped me! I’m laughing so hard my balls are e x - b o y f r i e n d burning…burning with sweet, sweet revenge, you venomous emasculating banshee. I’m so sorry to have told you Remember that time I was late like this, but hopefully I have expicking your mother up from the pressed the same regard that airport? Well, I was in the pro- you so thoughtfully extended cess of contracting herpes from me when you dumped my unsusthat slutty hot redhead at my pecting ass. I laugh to consider work that you hate. Oh, and re- what little solace ripping up our member how many times you and pictures will give you when your I had intercourse after that? In- vagina is broken out in fiery tercourse without a condom!? sores and blisters! Considering Oh man, I totally gave you her- how little you have always pes! Looks like your sixteen trusted me, I’m surprised and months of misery isn’t ever go- pleased we went those last ing to end! Herpes is forever, nights without a genital inspecbitch. tion. I can’t even believe my luck! You should have checked, To have gotten herpes just in sweetheart.
photo by Carol Freire
Mrs. O’Connor, left, banters, while Mr. O’Connor, right massages his temples, regrets not speaking up.
Man Wishes He Had Spoken Up At Wedding By James Meeker Assistant Content Editor AURORA, NE - Aurora resident Gerald Alden regrets his silence at the wedding of childhood crush Jennifer Simonean, according to friends of Alden. Although the wedding took place eight years ago, Alden has not been able to put it out of his mind, to the dismay of friends and family. Alden claims he attended the 1994 wedding with the intention of professing his undying love for Simonean. At the critical moment, however, Alden was unable to perform. “When the priest said to speak now or forever hold my peace, I couldn’t say anything,” said Alden. “So I sort of stood up and gurgled a little. When the girl next to me - I think she was the groom’s cousin - asked me if I was alright, I just nodded and sat back down. Oh, God, why couldn’t I just say
something?” Alden’s sad tale is one that family members know all too well. “I’m so tired of hearing about [the wedding],” said Erica AldenPerez, Alden’s older sister. “It’s always, ‘I’d be so much happier if I had said something,’ or ‘I wouldn’t be working the night shift at the Circle-K if I had said something,’ or ‘I wouldn’t be living in a shithole next to the railroad tracks, and I would have gotten laid in the past 8 years if I had said something.’ C’mon, Gerald, get a clue. You’d still be a loser if you had spoken up.” Alden’s attachment also has had an unhealthy effect on his social life, according to Circle-K co-worker Yashushi Okada. “A couple of weeks ago, some of the guys from the ‘K were going out bowling, so I figured, what the hell, might as well invite Gerald along,” said Okada. “He told me he couldn’t go because it was the eighth anniversary of ‘the day he
ruined his life,’ and he wanted to stay at home and ‘honor the memory.’ Honor the memory? What in god’s name was that all about?” Alden claims that memories are all that he has left now. “I’ll never forget what she wrote in my yearbook when we graduated from high school,” said Alden. She wrote, ‘Wish I had known you better. Keep in touch.’ There she was, reaching out to me, and I just let her go.” “I’m just sick when I think about letting that angel get away,” said Alden. “The smell of her hair and the sight of her smile haunt me to this day. But worst of all is the thought that she must be tormented as much as I, knowing that our love will never be.” When asked for comment, Simonean replied, “Gerald who? Wait, wasn’t he that creepy, quiet guy in my geometry class? That was a long time ago. What about him?”
Lawsuit Brought Against Cupid for Assault with a Deadly Weapon By Jasmine De Lung Content Editor
photo by Liz Erwin
Cupid attempts to woo the jury with his sweet, sweet song of love.
Cupid, the cherubic scamp of love, was sued for personal injury and emotional distress Tuesday afternoon by local cripple Eddie Burndor. “I was shot with an arrow,” says Burndor bitterly. “It ripped through my right leg and I have to get three more sessions of reconstructive surgery so that the muscle tissue is about as evenly distributed in the damaged leg as my left leg.” Burndor complains that he will never be the same. “It ricocheted off my forehead before stabbing open my thigh.” Friends of Burndor say he is
“just being a pussy.” Says best friend of 6 years, Emelie Janes, “He should feel lucky! Everyone dreams of getting pierced by Cupid’s arrow, but so few people ever get the privilege of such euphoric feelings of love.” Burndor’s doctors predict that he will never walk again. “The little bastard missed!” complains Burndor. “I only ended up falling in love with some stupid fucking water-cooler! Do you know how hard it is to make love to a big hunk of plastic while in a wheelchair?!” “It was so embarrassing. I was talking to Tiffany, the hottest girl in the office when it happened,” Burndor said of the incident. “I
think the arrow might have been for her and me, but she ducked and the first thing I saw was the water cooler behind her.” Burndor lost his job for what happened next between him and the water cooler. Cupid refuses to apologize. “It’s better this way,” he said and shrugged while loading up another silver-tipped arrow of sublime love. “Tiffany wouldn’t have gone for it anyway, and the water-cooler will never say ‘no’.”
www.themq.com
Page 5 • June 5, 2002
MQ in the Workforce “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,” Says Anthropology Major By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor
photo by Aaron Sheinbein
Mervil Nunthbeg, a Circle-K employee and UCSD graduate, was placed in his fine job by Career Services.
Career Services Center Effectively Furthers Careers of Career Services Center Employees By James Meeker Assistant Content Editor The UCSD Career Services Center is most effective at serving the careers of UCSD Career Services Center employees, according to an internal study commissioned by the Center. The findings come as no surprise to UCSD students, whom the Center has failed to help for a number of years. “I once went to a job fair sponsored by the Career Services Center,” said Warren junior Chris Garcia. “Since I’m not interested in the computer science or biotech, they didn’t have anything for me. And when they found out I’m a Critical Gender Studies major, some of the employees started laughing and throwing peanuts at me.” According to Career Services Advisor Shannon Gray, the most difficult task of a Career Services employee is assisting large numbers of students seeking assistance. “Just last week, this student comes in asking me what he should do to prepare for law school. How am I supposed to know that? So I told him he should probably take classes or work or something. I guess the law schools like that stuff.” “When he wanted more help, I took out the LSAC’s Guide to ABA Approved Law Schools - oh, that reminds me, I really should find out
what all those letters stand for one of these days,” continued Gray. “Anyway, I found a bunch of trivial and well-known admissions data for him, but he still wasn’t satisfied. So I pretended like I had an extremely urgent phone call, and ignored the dude until he went away.” Such behavior is not uncommon, according to employees of the Career Center. “It’s not like my highest priority is helping students,” said employee Linda Swain. “Heck, I don’t even post jobs on Jobtrack until I’m sure I don’t want to apply for them myself.” “Aside from looking up mundane and useless facts when some clueless student comes in, I would have to say that my most important task is writing and rewriting my résumé,” Swain added. “Well, that and collecting a paycheck.” Many UCSD students were surprised to discover that the stated core mission of the Career Services Center is to help students and alumni of the University of California determine and fulfill their career goals. “I never thought Career Services was there to help me, said Revelle senior Carolyn Tarkow. “I always figured the core mission of the Career Services employees was to be a waste of money. Well, money and oxygen.”
Happy Birfday, Jasmine
Seeking to add meaning to an otherwise future-less life, fourthyear graduating anthropology major Sandra Rawlston, screeched the word “Fuck” over 100 times late Tuesday night, according to roommates. “FUCK! FUCK! SHIT! FUCK!” said Rawlston shortly after realizing that her last four years had been spent studying a humanistic social science dedicated to understanding the worldwide diversity of social institutions and cultural traditions. Rawlston, who admits to having approximately zero marketable skills, harbors much resentment toward the Anthropology department. “The department COCK FUCK! did not inform its students STUPID FUCKS! that upon graduation FUCK! FUCK!, we could expect to be prepared or qualified only for FUCKING NOTHING! the same minimum wage jobs that we were qualified for when we entered freshman year of high school. BITCH, FUCK, ASS, BITCH.” Added Rawlston: “What the
hell am I going to do for the rest of my life? ‘Welcome to Wendy’s, would you like to biggie size that number #3 or learn comparative archeology of early state formation?’ FUCK, MONKEY, DIRTY, MONKEY.” Rawlston admits to growing as a person from her many upper-division anthropology courses, but states that if she could take back her major, she totally would. “Sure, it was great to learn about FUCK! extinct hominids understood through the SHIT! functional study of ASS WHORE! comparative CHRIST! primate anatomy,” said Rawlston while banging her head into a wall in a futile attempt to ease her pain. “And how the fuck FUCK! am I going to afford FUCKING PRIMATE ANATOMY! health insurance on a minimum WORTHLESS EDUCATION! wage job?” Anthropology Chair Chris Montabe however, seemed optimistic about the futures of the many graduating Anthropology students. “Because there is increasing awareness of the importance of sociocultural factors in domestic and international rela-
tions,” said Montabe, gently massaging the deep bruises on his forehead, “a bachelor’s degree in anthropology has become accepted as a valuable preparation for careers in law, medicine, education, business, government, and various areas of public service. Unfortunately this is a little known fact, especially among those hiring for careers in law, medicine, business, government and various areas of public service. But our students could always choose to use their degrees as teachers” Rawlston expressed reluctance about becoming an anthropology professor. “I may be stupid IGNORANT FRESHMAN! for choosing my FUCK! major, but I’m not a sadist. There’s no way I’d subject others to this self-perpetuating cycle of knowledge which can only be used for the good of humanity, but nor for FUCKING CARDBOARD BOX! my own personal gain.” Rawlston’s roommate, Philosophy major Chuck Prigo was not available for comment, as his severely chaffed larynx was, at press time, no longer capable of producing audible sounds.
Old people demonstrate the evolution of the lifeless anthro-dork.
TOP TEN
Things Where 99% Just Doesn’t Cut It
10. 99% Herpes-Free 9. 99% sure that you didn’t kill all those people in your sleep 8. 99% not drunk if you’re a minor - fuck you, UCSDPD 7. 99% safe from blowing out at high speeds, causing the SUV to roll 6. 99% effective at stopping sperm 5. 99% not annoying as fuck 4. 99% not guilty of genocide 3. 99% accurate depiction of the life and times of Jesus Christ 2. 99% of the fuel you’ll need for the Trans-Atlantic flight 1. 99% toilet bowl accuracy.
Page 6 • June 5, 2002
MQ AROUND Nothing The MQ hates Greenland
United States Still the hegemon.
Samana, Dominican Republic La Jolla, California MQ Editors ditch significant others, lay out paper, listen to Dashboard at 4 am, cry.
Children in Sweatshops Celebrate “Take Your Father to Work Day”
Dallas, Texas Size-Obsessed Texas Blissfully Unaware of Alaska’s Superior Bigness
Buenos Aires, Argentina Tired of political turmoil, Argentines flip coin to determine next president to be assassinated
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THE WORLD Hebron, Israel Lesbos, Greece American Teen Disappointed after Trip to Island of Lesbos
Palestinians and Israelis agree to ten-minute ceasefire/bathroom break.
What’s Wrong With this Picture? Oppressed Chechyan rebel’s assault rifle loaded with improper caliber bullets.
Munich, Germany Germans hold parade for David Hasselhoff
Beijing, China “Dude, you should have gotten a Dell” Ad Translates to “Reasonably question your nation’s leaders.”
Jerusalem, Israel Dakar, Senegal National holiday in honor of World Cup victory over France retracted out of shame at admitting pride in victory over France.
U2 Successfully Negotiates Lasting Peace Accord in Middle East, Eliminates Third World Debt
Page 8 • June 5, 2002
MQ in a Drunken Stupor TOP TEN
Family Gathering More Exciting Now That Uncle Jack Is Drunk Off His Ass By James Meeker Assistant Content Czar An otherwise dull Fahlstrom family reunion was temporarily livened Saturday by the inebriation of Uncle Jack, who is described by family members as “a real character.” Uncle Jack’s intoxication came as no surprise to the other family members, who have grown accustomed to his drunken antics. According to partygoers, the reunion started slowly, with long periods of awkward silence broken only by bursts of even more awkward conversation. “At first the men were in one corner, complaining about how their wives’ tits were starting to sag, and how they still couldn’t cook as well as Grandma Cassandra,” said grandson Jeremy. “And the women were in the other corner bitching about
how their husbands never took them out for dinner and couldn’t maintain an erection. Then out comes Uncle Jack with a bottle of bourbon in one hand and a big purple dildo in the other, shouting ‘look what I found in [Aunt] Marge’s drawer!’ That’s when things started to get interesting.” Uncle Jack’s activities came as a relief to many in attendance, particularly the younger family members. “The party was pretty lame before Uncle Jack started drinking,” said second cousin Erik. “Grandma Margaret had me trapped, and she was telling me about the results of her recent pap smear. Boy, was I relieved when Uncle Jack ran through the living room naked and screaming about lesbian mongooses. Grandma was so shocked she forgot to finish telling me about the consistency of her bowel movements.” Members of the Fahlstrom family have come to expect such behavior
from Uncle Jack, and look forward to the colorful anecdotes that his activities provide. “Jack was drunker this year than he was at that Christmas Party back in ’95, when he told all the kids that Santa Claus wouldn’t bring them presents unless they all slapped Grandma’s ass,” said Jack’s brother Samuel. “But I don’t think he was as drunk as he was at Grandpa Bernie’s 83rd birthday party last year, when he passed out and collapsed on the cake just as everyone was starting to sing. Man, burning candles and octogenarians don’t mix.” “I think the high point of the evening was when Aunt Ellen told Jack that he shouldn’t drink so much in front of the children,” continued Samuel. “So he called her a nosy, bat-faced hag that should mind her own business. Then he threw up in her cleavage.”
Things to Put Int o A Mar tini Into Martini
10. Another Martini 9. Swizzle Stick 8. Little lost children 7. A Kennedy 6. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome 5. Roofies 4. Tears 3. Breastmilk 2. The blood of your enemies 1. Spite
TOP TEN
Names of Drinks You In ed Invvent ented
10. The Teabagger 9. The Purple Regret Machine 8. The Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome 7. The Tastes Better Coming Up 6. The Carne Asadatini 5. The <Your Date’s Name> 4. The Todd Kuebler 3. The Peanut Butter and Brandy 2. The My Ex-Wife’s a Bitch 1. The Whiskey Dick
San Diego S e S tudent Deeply R egrets Drunk en Hook up Sttat ate Student Regrets Drunken Hookup By Daniel Baron Staff Writer San Diego State student Eddie Vincent announced his regrets about the drunken hookup he had in Tijuana last weekend after being informed of the details of his activities by the designated driver that night, Jason Hutton. “Man, are you sure it was a mailbox and not a hot Shakira look-a-like?” asked the distraught Vincent, “I mean maybe the lighting was a little funny and you made a mistake. Or maybe it was just kind of an ugly chick?” After being fully convinced with evidence in the form of pic-
tures, videotape, and ruined mail from the night in question, Vincent was quick to offer an explanation of his drunken activities. “Oh come on. It’s not like something like this hasn’t happened to everyone at one point or the other” he desperately remarked, adding “Right? Right?” Although information about the incident remains sketchy, not to mention probably disgusting, witnesses such as Hutton reported that after the inebriated Vincent hit on and was immediately rejected by twelve consecutive girls and one surly janitor, he was thrown out of the club from where he attempt to seduce a nearby mailbox. After trying to ascertain what city the mailbox was from, and if it had a boyfriend or not, Eddie managed to pull
the poorly bolted down instrument of mail delivery into a nearby alley where he proceeded to make sweet, sweet love to it. “I guess I should have gotten suspicious when it didn’t respond to any of my pickup lines like ‘I’m easy. Are you?’” Vincent commented, “That’s total ‘A’ material, and even though she didn’t say anything, her body language was all the response I needed.” After pausing to make some final thoughts on the matter, Eddie concluded, “Yeah well, the whole thing could have turned out a lot worse I guess. I mean, my drinking buddy Brendan is pretty sure he screwed two dogs and an ATM machine that night. That’s really gotta suck.”
photo by Carol Freire
Student Eddie Vincent tells the mailbox, “Hey, you’ve got a nice package.”
Page 9 • June 5, 2002
MQ at Disneyland
Vacationing Father Lus ts Af t er Ariel By Andy Collins Graphics Whore ANAHEIM, CA – Wisconsin resident Henry Mirkin was caught ogling a female Disney employee costumed as Ariel the Mermaid during a recent family vacation to Disneyland, sources report. His wife of seven years, Beth Mirkin, alleges she witnessed him staring openly at Ariel’s youthfully scrumptious bottom during one theme park’s many parades of popular cartoon characters. Added Mrs. Mirkin, “And right in front of the poor children, too. That stupid, balding rat bastard – Mother was right, I should have married the nice doctor.” The couple’s children, Ben and Sean, aged 6 and 8, claim not to recall the public spectacle surrounding their parents. “I was just waving to Chip and Dale when I heard mommy groan then start to say something, but I forget what happened after that because I saw Pluto and started waving so he’d see me and come over to take me away from home and let me live at Disneyland where all the shouting is happy shouting,” Sean said.
Witnesses of the event described the scene as embarrassing for the entire family. Aaron Levy, an employee of Disneyland who was working at a concession stand nearby, told reporters, “Not like it’s rare or anything, but this fat bitch in a teal sweat suit just launched into her husband about how pathetic and worthless he is, right in front of their two filthy, shithead kids. Jesus, she must have been at least 400 pounds.” Levy continued, “The youngest brat started bawling around the time she called Amy – who plays Ariel – a filthy tramp and started pointing to her husband and screaming ‘sad little pervert’ as loud as she could. God I hate working here, all my money has to go to weed just so I can make it through the day without murdering every man, woman and child who comes within arm’s reach.” “But she was right about Amy,” added Disney employee Gary Scheiver. “I don’t think there’s a guy she hasn’t gone down on in this entire hellhole, and that includes me. All that practice has really paid off though. She did crazy shit with her tongue stud – I
thought I saw God.” Henry Mirkin claimed that the girl’s finely toned rump caught his gaze by accident. “She was just so close I couldn’t avoid looking at it. Please don’t tell my wife any of this, if she found out she’d come after me with a shovel again. Oh, but I’d face death for just a single happy day with that nice piece of tail. She’s nothing like Beth. I bet if we had kids she wouldn’t even let her weight go like Beth did, and she wouldn’t make me sleep on the couch if I couldn’t get hard when we’re trying to be intimate.” At best estimate, witnesses figure Henry Mirkin spent nearly eight minutes mouthing the words ‘I love you’ towards the costumed Disney employee before his wife took notice. After the initial activity, additional bystanders stood by, slackjawed, as Beth Mirkin left the scene as quickly as possible while her husband stammered broken apologies. Further eyewitness reports described the sound of Beth’s thighs rubbing together as she stormed away like “the deafening roar of a thousand stamping elephants.”
Researc h R eveals Disne yland esearch Re Disneyland Not Happies th Happiestt Place on Ear Earth
photo by Laura Schniedwind
Henry Mirkin, a father of two, stares down Ariel’s busty clamshells.
TOP TEN
Terrible Disneyland Attractions
10. Beauty and the Beast on Ice, Heroin 9. It’s a Small Third World 8. Week-Before-Last-Land 7. The Spinning Throw Up On Your Kids 6. Mr. Toad’s Drunken Hookup 5. California Adventure 4. A Very Goofy Striptease
By Dave Hughes Font Slut RIVERSIDE, CA – Researchers at the University of California at Riverside today announced conclusive findings that Disneyland is not, as the theme park has historically claimed, the happiest place on earth. “Actually, that shithole isn’t even among the top one hundred happiest places in Anaheim,” said lead researcher Dr. Ronald Pauling. “Have you ever seen the hordes of shrieking little children leaving the park after a long day of being dragged behind their parents? That’s not happiness as I understand it.” Pauling continued, “Jesus.” The researchers’ discovery came as a result of years of careful
study and inquiry into the relative happiness of various entertainment venues around the globe. “Basically, we got an assload of grant money and decided we’d go to a bunch of theme parks and bars and strip clubs and stuff, and see where people were the happiest. Surprisingly, we found that the happiest place, in California at least, is any suburban garage where kids are sniffing glue for the first time,” said Pauling. Officials at Disneyland Park have thus far downplayed the Riverside laboratory’s findings, taking particular issue with the research methods used by the scientists on the project. “Dr. Pauling and his team appear to have made little to no attempts at objective analysis of the relative happiness of Disneyland as opposed to their
other areas of study,” said park manager Bobby Chang. “Well, unless you define objective analysis as showing up blitzed and hitting on twelve year-olds, then leaving once they realize that none of the park’s restaurants serve any alcohol.” Pauling defends his research as sound. “We studied that place for weeks, man. And it didn’t seem to matter who we asked – the concessionaires with fresh churro burns on their hands, the disgruntled mascots forced to prance about dressed like Mickey in 100 degree heat, the crying toddlers or the exasperated parents: Disneyland is a profoundly unhappy place.” Added Pauling, “But that underground massage parlor down the street is fucking solid.”
3. Poon Town 2. Pirates of the American Hegemon 1. Sleeping Beauty’s Menstrual Hut
TOP FIVE
Ov er priced Over erpriced Disne yland Disneyland Souv enir s Souvenir
5. Gigantic phallic lollipops 4. Enormous phallic pickles 3. Mickey Mouse anal plugs 2. Dried Disney brain 1. Little lost children
Page 10• June 5, 2002
Q M
in the ARMY
There is Absolutely, Positively Nothing Wrong With the Army By Michael Truex Web Master
photo by Liz Erwin
The Army plans to use bricks as ammunition, furthering the point that there is really nothing wrong at all in the Department of Defense.
FORT LEWIS, WA — Proving wrong any and all national media reports, the Pentagon announced Monday that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Army. General Tommy Franks, speaking before a packed audience at Fort Lewis, Washington, stated that “there is absolutely nothing wrong with the Army, contrary to reports broadcast by a media obviously tainted with liberal bias. I am the commanding officer of the US Central Command. I should know.” Chief amongst the erroneous claims, according to General Franks, are the purported equipment and personnel shortages that are said to stall any invasion of Iraq. “These imaginary ‘shortages’,” said General Franks, pausing briefly to make air-quotes, “are an unpatriotic fabrication. At no
time in history has the military been stronger! In the event of a fullscale land-invasion of Iraq, I am proud to announce for each and every one of our noble fighting men new and technologically advanced equipment.” “Women,” added General Franks. “Fighting men and women.” Upon unveiling the new equipment, murmurs of admiration could be heard rippling through the tightly regimented audience. “This,” stated General Franks, holding aloft an unidentifiable rectangular device, “is a ‘brick.’ While it may be true that we do not have enough traditional weaponry to arm each and every one of you, I can personally guarantee everybody here today a ‘brick’ of similar specifications.” The “brick” unveiled by General Franks is, according to the MIT research center which developed it, a tactically efficient close-
combat weapon which can, if necessary, double as a ranged weapon. “We’re proud to have had a part developing this inexpensive and deadly weapon,” said Dr. Hiroko Shibayaku, principal engineer for the project. “This ‘brick’ can be quickly mastered by our armed forces, and can be deployed at minimal cost to the taxpayer. Unlike our more advanced ‘smart bombs,’ there will likely be no shortage of this new and exciting weapon. Not to imply that there is a shortage of smart bombs, I’m just saying.” General Franks also disputed claims of a troop shortage, alluding to a possible new source of soldiers. “We have overhauled previous acquisition methods, and are optimistic that our new system of conscription will be successful.” “Enlistment,” amended General Franks after a moment’s silence. “I clearly said ‘enlistment.’”
Fear of Army Boots Dissuades Fashionable Recruit By Liz Erwin Design Editor Chelsea Robbins, a UCSD Junior, announced yesterday that she will not be joining the Army as previously planned. Relatives were shocked while friends seemed nonplussed at the news. Citing a desire to finish her last few years of undergraduate work, Robbins had put off enlisting for a few years after her decision last September to serve her country. “But after further contemplation, and a look at the standard issue uniforms, I realized the Army was not the best place for my body shape and coloring,” explained Robbins. Family members are a little disappointed in her about face. “I really admired Chelsea’s patriotism when she told me she wanted to join up. But now I see that she isn’t going to stick with this, just like the good paying computer science major she dropped,” lamented Robbins’ grandfather, WWII veteran John Stalart. “At least in the Army she could have found a husband to support that Vis Arts habit of hers.” Robbins defended herself, articulating her reasoning. “After our country was attacked, I really wanted to fight back and protect my countrymen. I even
made two trips to the recruiting office to look into the responsibilities involved with signing up. But then I saw the boots. Originally, I had thought I would be able to bring my new Doc Martens with the glittery rainbow laces. But apparently, you have to wear these hideous, all black, fake leather, standard issue, generic brand boots. I’m totally not cool with that.” Friends were less shocked at Robbins’ retraction from military service. “I was shocked when Chelsea said she was going to enlist after graduation,” recalled long-time friend Sarah Jensen. “I don’t think she realized that soldiers have strict schedules and limited free time. Seriously, I haven’t seen Chelsea sober for longer than five hours since she turned 21 last August. They really wouldn’t let her get away with that for very long. So I suggested we go to the mall and fight terrorists the way President Bush has asked us to: with our wallets.” Robbins is currently searching for other ways to fight against our country’s enemies. “I’m a true, red blooded, white skinned, blue eyed American. Nothing I can do for my country is too much to ask. Except ugly footwear. And sleeping with that creepy Donald Rumsfeld.”
Dish-Washing Soldier Being All He Can Be By Gabe Kreb Staff Writer Aptitude surveys conducted by the U.S. Army confirmed today that dishwasher-in-training Private Dan Hanks is has achieved his full potential in life through service in the military. Using a complex system of tests ranging from a standard physical exam to an in-depth psychological profiling, the Government Aptitude Department (GAD) has determined that Hanks’ full life potential is actually serving his current Army post of Third
Assistant Dishwasher at Wahnee Boot Camp in Scatawookie, TN. When confronted with the results from his random selection for a study to see if the Army actually lives up to its slogan, Hanks’ superior, Sergeant Tom Olsen said, “Private Hanks is in fact, being all he can be.” “No one can get those Sloppy Joe Sunday plates gleaming like Hanks can!” Dan’s father Henry Hanks stated that he “hopes Dan is just going to be a late bloomer,” but that “the ability to wash the dishes of 450 soldiers with no breaks is
“a decent life goal for a kid who couldn’t wipe his own ass until he was 9.” As of press time, Private Hanks could not be interviewed, as he was fully occupied having an unsoldierlike weep under his bunk. YEAH, SO IT’S THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR NOW SO YOU CAN’T COME JOIN THE MQ. FEEL ABANDONED. BUT GOOD LUCK ON FIN ALS, AND HA VE A FINALS, HAVE GREAT SUMMER.
TOP FIVE
Things an Angry Drill Sergeant Might Shout at a New Recruit He Was Uncomfortable Expressing His True Feelings For
5. “YOU’RE SO PRETTY MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!!” 4. “I THINK YOU’RE JUST THE SORT OF MAN WHO WOULD ALLOW MY FATHER TO ACCEPT MY SEXUALITY!!!” 3. “Would you like to go out sometime and get... uh, um... GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 29!!!” 2. “I’D LIKE TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS LIKE A MAN SHOT BY AN ENEMY MACHINE GUN NEST, WET AND TWITCHING IN A BLOODY TWILIGHT!!!”“ 1. “SPENDING TIME WITH YOU IS EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE THAN LAYING MINES IN A CIVILIAN CORNFIELD!!!”
Page 11 • June 5, 2002
MQ in Purgatory Atheist Still Doesn’t Believe It By Brian Uiga Staff Writer PURGATORY – Despite having resided in Purgatory for the last three months, atheist Daniel Bryce continues to voice his disbelief at the existence of an afterlife. “I mean, what the hell is this?,” Daniel told reporters, yelling slightly to be heard over the deafening nothingness. “I don’t buy it. I’m told if I pray to some god I can get out or something, but that just sounds to me like a bunch of
religious discrimination. Don’t they understand that I’m entitled to my beliefs?” Greatly annoyed by Daniel’s disbelief in the very existence of their home, the lesser administrators of Purgatory are considering breaking precedent and demoting him straight to hell. After a lengthy discussion, a conference of the ruling Seraphim declared that Bryce was unable to enter Heaven. A representative Purgatory’s ruling body later spoke to reporters defending his position: “I mean, if
photo by Reid Barrett
We just hope our readers know the difference between hell and purgatory.
TOP TEN
Ways to avoid the draft
10. Cut off your trigger finger 9. Tell 8. Further your education 7. Put on 200 pounds 6. Canada 5. Score yourself another “X” chromosome 4. There is no draft, you stupid fuck 3. Have daddy get you into the National Guard 2. Commit a felony 1. Put on a coat
this guy isn’t going to be satisfied no matter where we put him, why not just throw him straight to hell? I know we’re not supposed to do that, but there’s really no choice. Why give him a chance to hang out with Victoria’s Secret angels in the bosom of God if he won’t believe it? It would be the same if we let him not believe in his testicles getting pricked by the Thousand Needles of Holy Retribution. It’s one thing to waste a perfectly good eternity on someone who believes in a lesser faith such as Roman Catholicism, but give an atheist a free ride? No way.” Despite the threat of progressively more preternatural persuasions to repent his sins, Bryce continues to incur the wrath of his afterlife supervisors by refusing to believe anything going on around him. “Dude, I am so bored.” said Daniel. “Everyone here is telling me I’m in Purgatory, but I haven’t seen proof, and if I don’t see proof, it isn’t true. There was a sign pointing to the ‘Purgatory Dry Cleaning Services’ over there, but I need more than some hacked together sign and this never-ending emptiness in my soul to convince me.” “Jesus Christ!” Bryce later exclaimed. “It all seems so contrived! It’s as if this place is nothing more than the mental representation of the scolding mechanism for an oppressive church system. As if using this place as negative reinforcement could ever control the masses without having to resort to force, relying instead on the fear of simple-minded men. Bullshit.”
TOP TEN
Names for sexual moves you invented in college, which is why you’re in Purgatory
10. Triple Flaming Salchow 9. Flying Luge Cannon 8. The Gerbilnator 7. Super Happy Fun Thrust 6. Penis Pong 5. The Have Sex With A Dog 4. Mr. Anderson’s Neighborhood 3. The Drowning Babysitter 2. The Leaping Fellate-aCorpse 1. Masturbation
photo by Michael Truex
Paul and Carol Hernandez snuggle 20 minutes prior to pissing off God.
Man Regrets Having Premarital Sex By Colin Parent Editor-In-Chief While engaged in menial labor on an ethereal plane, Purgatory resident Paul Hernandez expressed his regrets to fellow detainee, Joone Shultzel over engaging in premarital sex during his mortal life. “I’m really disappointed,” said Hernandez to Shultzel. “I was pretty good except for that one time with Carol.” In his mortal life, Hernandez was active in both his church’s adult social organization and volunteered an average of twenty hours a week at a local soup kitchen. “I guess we should have known better,” said Hernandez in reference to his singular infraction against God. “I mean, you don’t cut corners with the Big Guy.” Hernandez engaged in sexual union with his fiancé of four years in their newly-purchased home, a week before they moved in together. “I guess we were so excited about that day, that we just couldn’t control ourselves,” said Hernandez. “Sure we were getting married in a couple of hours, but I
TOP TEN
guess that wasn’t an excuse.” “Yeah, you two really should have known better,” said Shultzel, who found his way into purgatory for habitual alcoholism and severely beating his wife and four children. “Didn’t you two pay attention in church?” Hernandez and his wife Carol went on to raise two children and founded a charity in their home town of Detroit. Mobile Meals, a program to deliver foodstuffs to senior citizens who were unable to leave their homes, expanded to the entire Michigan area, feeding thousands of people. This act of charity, however, did not result in their exemption from His dictates. When asked by Shultzel why [Carol] Hernadez wasn’t in purgatory for committing the same mortal sin, Hernandez replied that she didn’t make it to purgatory. “Carol was a wonderful woman,” said Hernandez. “But she did kiss a girl at a party one time.” When asked for comment about His draconian adherence to archaic laws set forth in an ancient text not subscribed to by even the majority of humanity, God simply stated, “Yeah, I can be a real dick some times.”
Reasons YYou’re ou’re Not In Hell
10. Had a good lawyer 9. You cleaned up after fucking his wife 8. The kid wanted it 7. Hell was full 6. It doesn’t exist 5. You’re a bastard who died young 4. God wasn’t looking 3. You didn’t use a condom 2. You were on the MQ 1. You died an unbaptized toddler
MQ
Page 12
May 1, 2002
Trading Cards: Some MQ-Type Editors! Andy Collins
Colin Parent
1
Hobbies: Obscure Pornography, Spite Scoring Average: Hot Waren Chicks “My world is pain”
Jasmine DeLung
2
“Could you spend all your mealpoints on me?”
Laura Schneidwind 4
3
Hobbies: Making Posters, Losing Elections Talents: Legistlating, Fantastic Tounge “You’re all so very attractive”
Hates: Christians, UCSD, Everything Pastimes: Girls at Jewcamp “I fucking hate UCSD!”
Talents: Design, Griping About Design, Fonts Hates: Sharing, Arial Black “I had Rabies one time. No Really.”
Liz Erwin
Megan Laver
Mike Truex
21
Herritage: ’Frisco Hippies Likes: Handroll Sushi, Nor-Cal Boys
Elijah Zarlin
6
Hits: On You, The Bottle Ignores: Dolts, Emotions Future Plans: M.D., Marriage for Jaguar “I don’t like paying attention to people.”
7
Hobbies: Mothering, Sparktests, Grad Students Plans: Graduation, Seduction of Ron Weasley “Fuck you Asshole!”
8
Buffer Burst Cache: 147MB Front-Side Bus: 500mhz Hightest Sustained Transfer Rate: 2 Twins from ERC
“I got a Metric fuckload of stuff to download”
How to Draw Chips In 3 Easy Steps 1
2
3
Chips Dreilinger’s Accomplishments over the Years: 1979 – Became Dean of greatest institution in world 1981 – Eliminated the final general education requirements from Muir curriculum 1983 – Barbra Streisand 1985 – Story Chips told at a faculty luncheon adapted to screenplay for movie Top Gun 1986 – Channeled John Muir… ’s beard 1990 – Began failed pilot program to replace Dean’s staff with genetically engineered scuba-equipped ninja team
1991 – Negotiated Iraqi surrender in Persian Gulf War 1992 – Held three-martini power lunch with Vanilla Ice 1994 – Launches Micro-Brew revolution by inventing “Muir Buir” 1998 – Successfully lobbied Madeline Albright for US intervention in the former Yugoslavia 1999 – Single-handedly reprograms UCSD mainframe to avert Y2K release of governmentally funded, evillyconceived deadly flesh eating bacteria bio weapon 2002 – Bails before the whole thing goes up in flames