MQ JUNE 5, 2001
University of California San Diego
MQ Runs Trite Theme Issue In a desperate and ill-conceived attempt to placate all parties within the publication, the MQ editorial board decided to amalgamate several theme ideas into a general “themed issue.” “All the theme ideas we could come up with were crap,” said MQ Editor in Chief Colin Parent. “So we figured ten or twelve crappy ideas were a lot better than one.” Student response over the theme issue has been sparse, as at press time, no one had read the issue.
NOT IN THIS ISSUE
Geneticist has fetish for gamete on gamete action
GETS AROUND
V olume VIII Issue VII
WE WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME GOOD, GOOD LOVIN’
WORLD FUCKED By Elijah Zarlin Managing Editor
The world is deeply, unfathomably fucked, “far, far more than it ever has been before,” according to a statement released by everyone Tuesday. Citing conflicts between the Israelis and Palestinians, India and Pakistan, the US and Terror, societal values and the common good, the fox news network and decency, Republicans and a sensible drug policy, toothpaste and orange juice, and free will and the existence of an omniscient being, Earth’s populace collectively determined the world to be hopelessly beyond all possibility of salvation. “I totally died in vain,” said Jesus Christ, who previously considered himself to be Lord and Savior prior to giving up his efforts at rescuing this crappy world. “You guys really, really messed up.” While most are disappointed about the impending demise of the world, many can not shed their charismatic optimism. “On the upside,” said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “I can finally get a good nights sleep, now that I don’t give a crap who else dies on this godforsaken planet.” Although the announcement came as a surprise to the few remaining tribal peoples fortunate
photo by Michael “Second Coming” Truex
The world may be fucked, but at least we get to print in full color. Thanks MCC!
enough to live in total isolation from global society, reaction was minimal among everyone else. “Of
course the world is in deep trouble,” said Pakistani citizen Visvesh Seshadri. “We’re about to
initiate the first nuclear strike in 60 years over Kashmir. What on God’s green earth is Kashmir?”
One Quarter of UCSD Students Not Expected to Return in Fall By Ted McCombs Staff Writer
Congressman discovers Chandra Levi while digging shallow grave for other dead intern FALSIFIED QUOTE “If he can get up and walk around afterwards it wasn’t good sex.” – Jessica Alba themq.com
One quarter of UCSD students will abandon UCSD this June, according to the results of a survey of student’s future plans, released Monday. The survey, Conducted by the Undergraduate Affairs office, was commissioned to gauge student satisfaction within the University. Despite overall satisfaction with their academic experience at UCSD, almost 25% of student’s surveyed had “little or no intention to continue their education at UCSD. “These are shocking and puzzling statistics,” said UCSD Chancellor Robert C. Dynes. “We as a community must combat this alarming depletion of the student body. Administrators are scrambling to discover the cause behind this mass exodus of UCSD undergraduates and implement practical solutions. “It seems like it might have something to do with the lack of on-campus housing, since almost all of the leaving students are commuters,” said study designer Aaron Suarez. “It’s also interesting to note that all are fourth or fifth years, but that’s a link we’re still trying to figure out.”
At the college level, the Revelle give a more specific reason for his Provost has announced the addi- plans to depart from UCSD, tion of two more quarters of Hu- Farshadian added: “I’m fucking manities, along with a new six- graduating, you moron.” With Graduation Day just quarter general education sequence on the History of Biology. around the corner, UCSD officials Not to be outdone, administrators are struggling to come up with at Eleanor Roosevelt College have some sort of “entrance program” imposed a mandatory second ma- for “new students.” According to jor in Organic Chemistry for all ERC Dynes, “the Admissions staff is students. “We are extremely determined to serve the education of our students,” said Revelle Acting Provost Barbara Sawrey. “And we’ll never let them go.” Students seemed indifferent to the studies findings or its possible ramifications. “I don’t know, I just think I’ve gotten everything I can out of UCSD,” said Warren Senior Donald Farshadian, explaining his decision not to return to UCSD next fall. “You know, now that I’ve completed my degree and everything.” When asked to And you thought Sun God fucked you up in May.
looking into the recruitment of current high school seniors, and perhaps minorities.” Added the Chancellor, “while I recognize that these are highly unorthodox propositions, we must be open to every possibility. This campus is in crisis, and we as administrators must help the undergraduates…no really, I’m not kidding.”
photo by Ted McCombs