The MQ Volume 9 Issue 3

MQ NOVEMBER, 26 2002

University of California, San Diego

NOT IN THIS ISSUE

Ocean Awareness Club: 20 Years of Making Sure It's Still There

Pope Vaguely Remembers Birth of Christ

Volume IX Issue III

WHY DO I STILL SEE YOU ASSHOLES RIDING THOSE SCOOTERS AROUND?

Heston Resigns NRA Presidency "I didn't know it was about guns," says Alzheimer's-afflicted tool of gun industry

BY Anne Rutledge Staff Writer In a move that has spread shockwaves through the NRA community and may have farreaching political implications, Charlton Heston announced last Thursday that he would resign the presidency of the National Rifle Association, claiming that he had been deceived by propaganda, advertising and “the ethical wasteland of Hollywood.”

At the press conference following his public resignation, Heston declared that he had been the victim of a conspiracy of misinformation, specifically relating to the role guns played in the NRA. “If I had been aware of the heavy links between this association and the use of firearms, I never would have agreed to be president. I feel ashamed and somewhat dirty.”

Heston’s misconception regarding the nature of the NRA was allegedly fostered by the pamphlets he had been given in the late eighties by representatives from the association, material that he described as “blatant propaganda, a tissue of lies concealing a rotten core of base deception and falsehood. They knowingly exploited my passion for landscape gardening. I didn’t know it was all about guns.”

With a film career that has

spanned five decades and has included such classics as The Last Hard Men, The Warlord, and Three Violent People, Heston is publicly lauded for his pacifism and his promotion of a more peaceful society.

Cuddling a small kitten, he posed for photographers, asking them to “please turn off your flash photography, you’re startling Princess.”

When asked why he had agreed to accept a third term on the Board of Directors of the NRA last year, Heston replied, “They asked me really, really nicely. I had no idea that they were hiding the truth from me. It’s made me lose faith not only in the integrity of large, faceless organizations, but also in human nature.”

The NRA has long been associated with right wing conservatism and exerts a disproportionate amount of political influence in relation to the size of its membership. Pro-gun lobbyists have enjoyed a wealth of public and financial support from these rifle-toting sportsmen. Heston repeatedly claimed that he had “no knowledge or involvement in any political agenda,” describing his Presidential duties as being “mostly ceremonial, cake cutting, baby kissing, stuff like that.” He went on to describe himself as “apolitical”, preferring to leave decision making to “soulless philistines who are incapable of appreciating the beauty of topiary

photo by Diana Blazick

"Nice, nice kitty. They will have to pry you from my cold, dead hands!"

sculpture.”

Believing that the NRA was a privately funded association for the rehabilitation of parks and gardens, the discovery of the true nature of the organization came as a debilitating shock to the 78-yearold actor. “I was led to believe that the acronym NRA stood for ‘Na-

tional Rejuvenation Alliance’ and that I was representing an agency concerned with the continued upkeep of public gardens, promoting a safe, family atmosphere. For years I’ve advocated the judicial application of a rolled-up newspa-

see HESTON, page 2

Muir Residents' Council Plans Turkey Drop First Year Stocks Fridge in Lonely Single

Turkey coos unsuspectingly: "Gobble-gobble"

By Kurt Rifbjerg Staff Writer The Muir College Residents' Council is planning to drop an 86pound turkey from the top of Tioga Hall sometime during Thanksgiving week in response to the success of the Halloween Pumpkin Drop a month earlier.

"Nothing brings together a mob of people more than the dropping of a symbol of American good

cheer and commercialism from an 11-story building,” stated Res. Council member Stacey McCarver. “The success of our pumpkin drop only shows that people want to see bigger and more expensive things brutally destroyed.”

Ronald Reyes, a 19-year-old sophomore at Muir College, added, “Since I can’t go home for Thanksgiving, I can’t wait for the Turkey Drop. Violent splatters sure beat Mom’s cranberry sauce

any day.”

This event is not without controversy. Animal rights activists have petitioned the Muir College Dean to cancel the event, but McCarver paid no heed the activists’ objections. “I don’t get what the big deal here is; we already dropped a pumpkin and look how cool that was. I can’t wait to hear the bloodcurdling squeals of the turkey as it plummets to its doom.

They didn’t complain in Octo-

Warren Junior Finds Pretty Hat

FALSIFIED QUOTE "Is there a Daveshaped hole in your heart? How 'bout your butt?

-Dave Hughes Campus Icon themq.com

Flightless bird resents genetic disadvantage at the first annual Turkey Drop.

photo by Kurt Rifbjerg

ber – why are they complaining now?”

The outspoken leader of the opposition to the turkey drop, Mark Hanover, professes complete disgust with the entire idea. “I can’t believe that the University will permit the killing of a bird as great as the turkey. We will chain ourselves to the ground outside of Tioga Hall and they’ll have to drop that turkey right on our heads if they want to do this.”

McCarver, when informed of the protestors’ desire to forcibly prevent the turkey drop, added, “Well I’m afraid that that space is already reserved for the 12 highspeed video cameras that will capture the glorious moment of impact from multiple angles. We have three 100 frames-per-second cameras explicitly focusing on the projected point of impact. That sucker's gonna look like a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup when it hits the ground.”

McCarver also says planning for other holiday-themed drops is already underway. “It’s not finalized yet, but for Christmas we’d like to drop an effigy of Santa Claus or, if we get lucky, an actual reindeer. We also are planning to drop a menorah or potato pancake for Chanukah to entice our Jewish friends too. Then, for Easter, we hope to trump all of our other drops by dropping a family of rabbits. It’s sure to be a blast!”

Page 2

The MQ

Letters to the Editor Editor: I was shocked and saddened by the editorial in the October 30th issue by Leroy Johnson entitled, “I’m Really Attracted to Girls with Eating Disorders”. While I can understand Mr. Johnson’s attraction towards unnaturally skinny girls, rather than bulbous fatties, I fear that the article will fool anorexics into thinking that they can engage in any sort of sexual activity without passing out because their bodies are so ill-prepared for physical exertion of any kind. How would you feel if your self-image was so warped that you were driven to systematically starve yourself, and a boy such as Leroy reinforced this behavior by seeking you as a sexual partner? You’d be more confused and light-headed than you already were.

Mr. Johnson—a devilishly attractive young man, judging by the picture accompanying his editorial—will make anorexics actually feel like they’re accomplishing something in their quest for beauty. Anorexics are more likely to eat his editorial than to actually read it, but the message is still a potentially deadly one that has no place in a paper as respectable as the MQ. Sincerely, Dorothy Hotchkiss Revelle College Junior Dear Ms. Hotchkiss, I’m glad you’ve brought this grave and compelling topic to the MQ’s attention. For a while there, I was really afraid that with the

above-referenced article, the MQ had been insensitive to concerns of the UCSD community afflicted with eating disorders. But now I see that we simply misjudged their ability to engage in vigorous sexual activity. Would you suggest we warn our ultra-skinny readers to have a bottle of Gatorade on hand before taking a romp in the sack?

Or maybe a spotter? A spotter could be fun. – CP Editor: Oh Colin Parent, how I tremble with joy at the very thought of you reading the humble words I’ve lovingly penned. I think about you all the time, and when the MQ comes out, I practically burst with joy, and wetness. I read and reread your editor’s box, searching for some sign that you know I exist.

But alas, there is none.

Perhaps if I came to MQ production, threw my lithe and eager body over the computer on which you were working, and begged you to take me right then and there—then maybe, maybe, you’d realize just how much I need you. Just how much you need me.

For you do need me, need my thighs wrapped nurturingly around you—I read your articles, Colin, and I sense a cynicism, a despair, a dissatisfaction with this nonsensical world in which we live.

Maybe you’re just a Democrat – or maybe you just need some good old-fashioned loving from a girl who was put on this Earth to give it to you. I am that girl, Colin Parent. I see you in the Price

Center and stop in my tracks with the poignant mental image of your tan cargo pants lying crumpled on my bed. I see you in class—wait, no I don’t, because you never go.

Nevermind. I see you hitting on freshmen in Tenaya, and I drop down to my knees and pray that I could somehow switch places with one of those harlots and have you hit on me.

It must be lonely at the top, with so many intelligent and attractive MQ staffers toiling just to please you. I am the one who can erase that loneliness. Ask for me and I will come to you.

Shivering in anticipation of your touch, Lonely and Lusting XOXO Dear Grandma, Get a hobby. See you at Thanksgiving. – Colin Mr. Colin Parent: This letter is to inform you that you are past due on your credit card payment. Also, please be advised that your purchase of seven Twister® mats and a case of Best Foods® mayonnaise has triggered an automatic report to the Justice Department.

Sincerely, Mark Foley CitiGroup Financial If you’d like to submit letters to the editor, please email them to themq@ucsd.edu. All are welcomed. Only the best will be printed. Hope to hear from ‘yah. – CP

November 26th, 2002 HESTON, from page 1 per to help settle disputes, but only as a last resort, should mature and rational conversation fail. It wasn’t until I looked closely at the constitution of the NRA that I realized that there was an alarmingly high use of the word ‘gun’ in a document that I had assumed related to lawn maintenance.” He went on to claim that the discovery shocked him. “It shocked me.”

With the position of NRA President now vacant, applications have flooded in. Scott Turling, a spokesperson from the NRA, later delivered a statement to the press, stating that: “We are inundated with offers and though we are sad to lose Mr. Heston, he’s always been a bit of a wuss. The NRA is an organization that believes in a man’s right to fire projectile weapons whenever he feels like it. You can’t kill a moose with a rolled-up-newspaper, no matter how hard you try. To kill a moose, you need a high powered

TOP TEN

rifle. In today’s world, people have recognized the need to kill more moose on a daily basis. Deer too. And impoverished inner-city youth. The threat posed to national security by unregulated wildlife is very real and cannot be ignored in these troubled times.”

In a remarkably graceful and dignified speech on Friday evening, Heston publicly resigned his official crown and scepter, and left the podium stating, “You lying bastards ought to be ashamed of yourselves.”

Having begun plans to form a national topiary awareness program, Heston hopes to re-educate the public about the role that effective garden planning can play in modern life and the social damage that can be caused by neglect, with the slogan: “Gardens don’t maintain gardens. People maintain gardens.”

Excuses for only taking 12 units

10. Tied up in a trashbag under roommate's bed 9. Someone told you the MQ gave academic credit 8. How else can you sleep until 4 pm every day?

7. Too busy clearing the web cams out of your shower 6. Exploring your sexuality 5. You haven't mastered functional alcoholism 4. Pastor Norcross says you shouldn't take more units than Jesus had apostles 3. You're planning to get knocked up 2. Adjusting to the inclement weather 1. The Bob Marley class is hard!

MQ Staff

Former Editor in Chief.......................Colin Parent Managing Editor......................Jasmine de Lung Content Editor.................James Meek er Asst. Content Editor..............Marianne Madden Design Editor...............................Liz Erwin Font Slut...............................David Hughes Layout Bitch..................Laura Schniedwind Graphics Whore......................Andy Collins Webmaster............................Michael Truex Recruitment............................Tim Koster Social Director.........................Carol Freire Sr. Staff Member...............................Zank Sr. Staff Member...........Nick Lieberknecht MQ Mom........................Laura Paajanen Business Manager...............Adam Armstead Unsuccessful Chaperone.........Justin Williams Muir Advisor........................Jill Corrales

MQ Staff Members

The MQ Staff: We told you. Are they attractive or what?

How's that for a recruiting tool?

“The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..” All content is copyright © 2002 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. That’s Colin, for now.

So what do you all think about these damned Republicans? It’s pretty scary to me. Republicans. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m young, poor, and without children, but c’mon. FUCKING Republicans. Of course, my privileged white parents are Republicans, and their parents as well, but still, it irks me a great deal. And why, you ask? Do I have a great personal interest in labor rights, or a multicultural progressive society? Probably not. I mean, I’m going into law school and come from a previously referenced privileged white upbringing. But maybe those “liberal professors” the Guardian’s always ranting about have had an effect on me. Maybe reading Taylor’s Multiculturalism, and dialoguing with campus leaders who automatically suspect evil conservatism of my white appearance have edged me into a more liberal mindset. Anyhow, I digress. I’m pretty pissed. Why are the goddamn Republicans so goddamn smart? How did they do it? How did they dupe us? GODDAMNIT. I guess political opinion doesn’t necessarily correlate to intellect.

That’s a hard pill to swallow. ‘Specially since all the Republicans on campus are retarded. See page 10.

Robin Averbeck Sara Baker Luke Barrington Danny Barron Loren Baxter Diana Blazick Daniel Brown Dale Burner Yosun Chang Victor Chiu Bill Coleman Kevin Damp Diana Dao Darren Dieguez Christy Factor Courtney Flynn Eric Galassi Jon Gower

Joe Hicken Tiffany Hoag Joey Huang Lars Ingelman Lisa King Lisa Kodakek Gabe Kreb Janice Lee David Lin George Lin Will Linton Megan Ma Greg Mallis Salik Mansoor Mike Mullan Dori Myer Mike Nguyen Kathryn Panian

Riley Pearce Dahlia Peterson Bobby Radigan Kurt Rifbjerg Jeff Robertson Anne Rutledge Linsey Sandrew Brian Seibert Aaron Sheinbein Guang Shi Emma Silvers Joe Simonis Ben Sweitzer Martin Vakil Jacob Ward Carly Young Mr. Blah Blah And Mrs. Space Filler

MQ Booster Club Jen Chai - And her delicious pastries Muir College Council - And their delicious funds Navneet Grewal - And her delicious funds University Centers Expansion Task Force - And their delicious advertising funds Provost Ledden – For being an example and guide for Muir, and UCSD. Get well, we need you.

Kirstin Bowen – For baking, and for sparing us from rejection when you don’t follow through on the baking.

Patty Mahaffey – For doing the impossible, replacing Chips, and injecting some student life into UCSD.

The MQ

November 26th, 2002

A Student Perspective

By Robin Averbeck

Just because I’m an insecure, impressionable slut doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist.

These days, women like me really get a bad rap when it comes to our sense of feminism.

People think that you have to, like, be a virgin and never brush your hair or some weird crap like that to really be a feminist. They don’t ever stop to think that the girl with the platform sandals and a miniskirt could be a feminist too. I mean, even though my self-loathing causes me to puke up my dinner every night, I still think that women are beautiful.

Just because I’m an insecure, impressionable slut doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist.

So ok, I spend an hour every morning doing my make-up and

then an extra hour after that doing my hair, but that doesn’t make me shallow. You can’t say that I don’t care about inner beauty based solely on the fact that I would never be caught dead without mascara.

Besides, it makes me feel pretty.

Isn’t that what feminism is all about anyway, feeling pretty?

Just take a look at my massive collection of beauty magazines.

Doesn’t that automatically prove my total dedication to the feminist movement? Beauty magazines are about, like, women empowerment all the way. They tell me how to get all the guys, take control over my weight, and where to get all the cutest, hottest outfits so I can be the cutest chica on the town.

And trust me, it totally works, because I have some guy fall hard for me, like, at least once a month.

I should know, ‘cause I sleep with every single one of them. I mean, I usually don’t know them too well, but they think I am beautiful, so what kind of feminist would turn that down?

And just look at my vocabulary.

“Girl power” is definitely one of my favorite phrases. Hell, I even screamed it as I ripped my shirt off in my Girls Gone Wild cameo.

That’s obviously total dedication to feminism. I wear plenty of mini-tees that say “hot stuff,” “princess” and “boys suck.” The fact that I’m the one who usually ends up doing most of the sucking doesn't mean anything.

My God, I even support feminism when I watch television. I totally love Sorority Life on MTV, which is all about mature, real life women. And then like, during the times that I’m not watching MTV, I turn on Carson Daly for Last Call, because he is obviously a total intellectual and I really dig his opinions on things. And, like, of course my musical heroes, Britney and Christina, are total feminists. They aren’t ashamed of their bodies and don’t let anyone tell them that their asses and chests aren’t as fine as they are.

If I didn’t have such fat hips, I’d totally dress like that too.

So it’s obvious that I am a total feminist. Now maybe people won’t rush to be so judgmental about girls like me. After all, I know what “bootylicious” means. What more do I need to say?

First Year Student Returns Home for First Thanksgiving Discovers loss of bedroom, girlfriend

By Justin Williams Staff Writer First year Marshall student Riley Hosegardner was devastated this week to learn that returning home for the Thanksgiving Holiday wasn’t as great as he had imagined it would be.

Hosegardner, originally from San Clemente, CA, had expected his first trip back home to be somewhat of a grand affair. “I mean, I wasn’t expecting a parade or anything,” said Hosegardner, “but, you know, a banner or some balloons would’ve been nice. Jesus Christ, I would’ve settled for a frigging cupcake, or something.”

Instead, Hosegardner was greeted with fake smiles, halfhearted hugs and impersonal questions about the campus food and social life. “When I told my mom that I was thinking of changing my major to Theatre and Dance, she didn’t even flinch,” said Hosegardner, who entered UCSD as a Bioengineer. “She just patted me on the head and told me to take out the garbage. I don’t even think she was listening!”

Hosegardner’s mother, Denise Hosegardner, also reportedly refused to let her son kiss her on the mouth, citing a recent cold. “I felt bad about lying to him,” said Mrs. Hosegardner, “but you never know what kids will bring home nowadays.”

“Sure, we regret never giving Riley the ‘herpes’ talk,” added Riley’s father, Roger Hosegardner.

“But you gotta cover your own ass, ya’ know? That kid’s probably an ambulant VD-factory by now.”

Hosegardner’s belief that his family doesn’t love him anymore

was reinforced when he discovered that he would have to sleep on the couch for the entirety of his stay. The door that once led to his bedroom had been bolted and padlocked, and his parents had reportedly “misplaced” the key.

When Riley questioned his parents about the contents of his former room, they denied having altered it in any way. “And even if we had,” said Mr. Hosegardner with a smile and a wink, “we would never turn it into our private, leather sexdungeon.”

Somewhat dismayed and disappointed by the whole experience, Hosegardner has reportedly contacted Jenny Ruffcorn, his highschool girlfriend, in order to “get some sympathy poon out of the

deal.”

“She actually hasn’t returned my calls in the last couple of weeks, but eventually she will,” said the hopeful Hosegardner.

“She’s been really busy lately hanging out at the frat houses of the cool, local colleges. But once she hears that I’m back in town, she’s sure to come crawling into my bed.”

When reached for comment, Ruffcorn denied any knowledge of Hosegardner’s existence. “Yeah, I dated a guy named Riley for a few years in high school,” she said, “but that was all the way back in June. Gee, I hope he didn’t think I was serious when I cried and said we’d always be together. I was just trying to be nice.”

Page 3

Freshman Still in Denial About Being Rejected from Cal

Steiner shows spirit for a school she could never have hoped to attend.

By Marianne Madden Assistant Content Editor Marshall College freshman Becca Steiner, a graduate of Berkeley High School, is still in firm denial about being rejected from UC Berkeley and hasn’t yet grasped the reality of her enrollment at UCSD, according to roommate Leah Green.

“Becca is a total poster girl for Cal,” Green says. “She’s got it all—the sweatshirts, the shorts, the hats, the notebooks, the decal in the back window of her car. She probably has Cal underwear too, but I don’t want to check.” Becca’s classmates also report that she’s somehow acquired a Cal Bears event calendar and a Cal Bears course catalogue, both of which she refers to on a regular basis.

To Becca’s parents, the impetus for this strange behavior is clear.

“She was dead-set on attending,” explained her mother, Marla, of the Berkeley class of 1976. “I kept explaining to her that a school like Davis or San Diego was more within her reach, but she wouldn’t listen. When the rejection letter came, I guess it didn’t register in her mind.” Becca’s father Rick, also a Berkeley grad, explained that “We bought most of Becca’s Cal stuff before she even applied to college. Our whole family wears Cal stuff,” he explained, pulling up his pant legs to expose blue and gold Cal Bears socks. “We expected her to stop wearing all the Cal stuff after they rejected her – but she seemed to cling to it more than ever.”

While Becca is listed as being an undeclared non-science major at the moment, those close to her say she is planning on majoring

TOP TEN

"Hey, where'd my porno go...? Oh crap..."

photo by The Indominable David Hughes

photo by Colin

in General English Language and Literature, a major offered at Berkeley but not at UC San Diego.

“I keep trying to tell her that on this campus it’s Literature/Writing, but she keeps insisting that she’s an English Language/Literature major,” lamented Green.

Becca’s Cal obsession has alienated her from many of her peers here at UCSD, although she seems oblivious to the chilly reception she’s receiving. A friend from Becca’s high school, Sue Thompson, reported, “I invited Becca to come down to the shores with us one night and she hollered how Northern California beaches are really cold, especially at night. I thought about telling her for the fiftieth time that this is SoCal, and dragging her along with us, but why bother? It’s a lost cause.

She’d spend the whole night telling us how cool Berkeley is, anyway.”

Another high school classmate of Becca’s, Tommy Lopez, added, “She’s stopped shaving her legs in the name of ‘female liberation’, which is gross. I do not want to see that girl in a swimsuit.”

Besides this shunning of activities normally cherished by UCSD students, Becca’s self-deception has also led to some odd behavior on campus. She is said to refer to Library Walk as “Spraul Plaza,” and Torrey Pines Road as “Ashby Avenue,” skirts RIMAC field because “that’s People’s Park, and it’s sketchy,” and avoids wearing the color red, the color of Berkeley’s archenemy, Stanford University.

“What?” Becca asked when questioned about her clothing choices.

“I’d get beat up if I wore Stanford colors, especially on football game days. Go Bears!”

Worst Things To Wake Up To

10. Your Chem TA, staring right at you 9. 12 more hours of MQ production 8. Communism 7. Multiple Sclerosis 6. Pop Tarts 5. Your roommate’s passionate embrace 4. Overnight growth of second pair of breasts 3. Sixth College Housing 2. Bush’s second term 1. Your hung-over first cousin

Page 4

The MQ

A Politician’s Perspective:

by Billy Simon Boy, I’m Sure Glad I Didn’t Get Elected

So here I am after the California election, lounging on the balcony of my condo in a pair of tacky Bermuda shorts and drinking a Michelob Light. Oh, how different this day could have been if only California voters had been stupid enough to elect me Governor.

Not like I care, particularly.

I have enough brains to realize that my loss spared me a lot of embarrassment, not to mention work. I mean, during the election, people were already testy – questioning my reversal on the gay rights issue, my nebulous promises of what I’d do in office, and my groundless accusations of illegal fundraising by Davis. I shudder to think what would’ve happened if I’d been elected and been allowed to manifest the full extent of my cluelessness. Well, not like I’d

have to worry about Republicans – Republicans turn a blind eye to anything illegal or stupid a fellow Republican does. But those Democrats and Independents – man, for a bunch of fruits and stoners, they sure know incompetence and baldfaced lies when they see them.

It’s enough to make a Republican question his whole purpose in life.

Haha, just kidding – no it’s not. No fucking way.

I really came out of this election with a sweet deal. Heck, I’m still a Republican – I still have a herd of my old white brethren working to cover my ass when I say something stupid or intolerant. I still have my wife, who you can’t deny is pretty damn cute.

And I still have my corrupt family business. Heck, I still have my outgoing choirboy “I’m-goingto-keep-smiling-even-though-Ihave-no-idea-what-you’re-talking-about” persona! Beat that, Gray Davis!

Oh, who am I kidding? Sharon Davis is way hotter than my own ball and chain.

Women aside, though, campaigning against Davis was hell on earth. Granted, I was merely a stuffed suit trying to ride my way to the top on my father’s name.

(You younguns may not have known this, but my father was in politics also – a conservative icon and Treasury Secretary for Nixon, no less, which made things tricky considering this state is full of insane Democrats.) Plus, you’ve got to realize – and George W. will back me on this – being the

Dimwitted Son is hard, no matter what state you’re trying to take over!

Sure, it sounds crazy that I even tried winning this election.

But you must remember that I’m a Republican. Normal rules do not apply to me. I mean, look at my credentials. I suck at public speaking and debating. I’m a big, bad businessman on one side and a beady-eyed runt on the other. I’m totally out of step with most Californians. I have no experience in public office.

My campaign was a piece of shit – I went through four campaign managers before Labor Day, laid off half my staff, and scrambled for money. But despite all that, I very nearly stole the election!

Boy, do I love America.

So the bottom line is that I’m glad I lost this election. All things considered, it saved me a lot of future embarrassment and effort. I mean, I’m a rich white guy – I’m used to just sitting in my office, playing with my stress ball, pretending to understand the paperwork that comes across my desk, and fantasizing about my secretary.

Hell, half the time I don’t even show up and just check in every few hours from the driving range.

Oh, and one last thing before I go inside for lunch – Davis might have come out on top, but I sure don’t envy him the job of fixing California’s budget. So best of luck with that, Gray. Sucker.

November 26th, 2002

TOP TEN

Ways to Clean Up the Spanish Oil Spill:

10. Extra-strength Brawny 9. Biore Oil-Absorbing Strips 8. Light a match 7. Bottle it and market it as lube 6. Ignore it...it’ll evaporate 5. Rename it the Exxon Sea 4. Elementary school beach clean-up 3. Pull the plug and refill the ocean 2. Blame it on the terrorists and make them clean it up 1. Soak it up with seagulls and baby seals

“If you think this horse had a good time, you should join the MQ.”

Charlie Sheen Announces Bid for Presidency Nation ponders whether President Bartlett will endorse bad-boy son for nation’s highest office

By Kathryn Panian Political Correspondent In a surprising turn of events, Charlie Sheen of Spin City fame announced Monday his plans to run for President in 2004.

When asked to comment, Charlie Sheen stated, “I feel so thankful to get the chance to follow in my father’s footsteps,” as Martin Sheen rolled his eyes in the background. Continued Sheen, “From watching my dad, I know the hard work that goes into this type of job.

I’m hoping to continue his legacy by bringing his cabinet on board when I’m elected President.”

When Sheen’s security guard informed him that his father was not a “real” president, Sheen seemed flustered and threatened to “rough him up if he continued to sass the President’s boy.”

Martin Sheen filled the White House conference room with a few words of wisdom. “Charlie’s a good boy. Granted, he’s not the sharpest pencil in the box, but he’s average, and hey, that’s not half bad. He’s hit a few bumps in the road—but what president hasn’t had his share of youthful escapades such as weeklong parties

full of top-notch coke, a few rising starlets, and high-class hookers? I’d say he’s ready to settle down and get a real job. This is the perfect opportunity.”

Cynthia Roberts, dedicated follower and treasurer of the official Charlie Sheen fan club, raved about how more “attractive” Sheen is than the past presidents. “On a scale of one to five, he’s definitely, like a five and a half. I mean, Charlie totally looks like a man I can trust, a man I could rely on to rule the free world. I’m sure Charlie’s just as good as his father. Now that man really knows how to lead a country!” After a pause, Cynthia commented, “I’d do him.”

Municipal Court Judge Lawrence Mira, who presided over Sheen’s two-year probation for drug-related offenses, praised Sheen’s character. “Charles is an upstanding citizen. I mean, sure he battered his girlfriend, overdosed a few times, and got caught with some hookers, but he’s learned so much.”

After flashing several passers-by his large “wad of dough” from the Sheen court case, Mira continued, “After he overdosed the first time, I could see how much

he really wanted to change. He even voluntarily checked himself into one of those fancy “I’m too rich to be around normal junkies” hospitals. And, I know, he checked himself right back out and had to be escorted in his high-priced limousine by some local officers, but I know he felt really bad about it.

If that doesn’t show dedication, I don’t know what does.”

There are a few mavericks wary of Sheen’s announcement, but these individuals are a minority. One anonymous critic claims this is “the worst debacle since Dubya,” but later retracted his comment as CNN reported that Charlie has announced a mission to legalize prostitution. “I want to bring a whore to every man, woman, child, and able-bodied citizen out there,” he shouted in front of an adoring crowd of undersexed supporters. He also outlined a four-year plan, better known as Operation Enduring Freedom 2, to increase the supply of drugs entering this country by way of B-rate actors, a conglomeration of ninjas, a few burros, and an assortment of toothpicks.

Even Al Gore emerged from his lair to watch the spectacle

unfold. “We will beat the Sheen, yes we will,” muttered Gore as he scrambled off to map out his battle strategy. Sheen left the public with his closing words, “I will finish what my father began when

he decided to fight those terrorists last season, even if I have to hunt down each and every one of those sons of bitches myself. A vote for me is a vote for freedom.”

photo by Kathryn Panian

“Would you pay to have sex with her, son?” “Yes, Mr. President.”

November 26th, 2002

The MQ

Point-Counterpoint: Masturbation I could really get a lot done today if I only spank it once

By Tim Koster

Recruitment Editor It’s completely beyond me how anybody can take the time to pleasure themselves more than once in any given day. Of course I like to take out my hog and stroke it on a daily basis, but I just don’t see how some people can spank the monkey two or more times a day when there are so many more productive things they could be doing with their time.

I don’t have anything against petting my privates, but I do keep it to a daily minimum. Why would I want to coop myself up indoors when the world is so full of exciting opportunities to take advantage of?

There are so many valuable services I can provide for my community if I don’t service myself multiple times in a day. I could build a house for a disadvantaged family, volunteer at a homeless shelter, adopt a stretch of

Page 5

Exclusive MQ Interview with a Superhero

highway to keep clean, or spend time playing with underprivileged children, just as long as I don’t play with myself in excess of once every twenty-four hours.

It can be hard to juggle one’s balls multiple times in a day and balance one’s daily activities at the same time, which is why I find it sensible to keep my prick in my pants after one escapade with ejaculation each day. If I properly manage my man-juices I’ve found I can more efficiently accomplish my daily chores. After all, why should I spend too much time whacking my wang when I could be whacking weeds instead?

So the next time you reach for your johnson, remind yourself that you could be an active participant in many purposeful daily activities instead of just being a lump of wasted tissue.

I could really spank it a lot today if I don’t do anything else

By Joe Hicken

Staff Writer One thing that stands out about UCSD, and most students would agree, is that there is never anything to do on campus. Because there is virtually nothing to do, I’ve resorted to the only viable solution: relieving this tedium through continuous, uninterrupted masturbation.

The stigma around masturbation has existed for centuries, with punishments ranging from religious ostracism to governmental executions. Yet in this modern day, it’s now much

more acceptable to whack Joey Jr. Because there is virtually nothing else to do on campus, masturbation is widely viewed as the only reasonable source of entertainment.

Some people would say that masturbating is horrible. Lesser extremists say, “Hey, I feel guilty enough doing it once in a day-there’s no way that I’d even think about doing it twice. Now that is sinning.” I respect people who refrain from any masturbation at all.

But if you are going to masturbate once, there is no good reason to refrain from buying a tub of Vaseline and making a night of it.

Men like to pride themselves on their manly prowess in bed. They like to boast how they make many a woman orgasm beyond their wildest dreams. I agree with the advantages of such prowess. My prowess in bed revolves around not women, but myself. I am the world’s best lover, and I keep it all to myself. Some talents aren’t for sharin’.

Moreover, the golden chalice of all man’s sexual aspirations lies in making a woman orgasm multiple times. Any man who makes a woman orgasm more than one time is seen as superior and envied by those who haven’t achieved this epic goal. However, what is the difference between making someone else orgasm multiple times and making yourself orgasm multiple

times? The simple answer is there is none, and I should be envied and lauded for my personal achievements.

And if you are going to partake in the activity of choking your chicken, you might as well be good at it. My esteemed colleague claims that he has never masturbated more than once in a day. His fault lies in the fact that he is assuming that one masturbatory session a day is enough.

It’s painfully apparent that this gentleman isn’t skillful enough to successfully jack it more than once a day.

Statistics show that ninety percent of all males stroke their strings and that habitual masturbation starts at about the age of 13. Giving or taking a few years, depending on when you started and how old you are now, you’ve had six good years of masturbation. That works out to 2191 days of possible masturbation. As my high school English teacher liked to say, “Carpe diem.” It’s never too late to seize the day, and something else while you’re at it.

From the bottom of my heart, I believe anyone who refrains from multiple self-pleasing sessions is missing out. We should all strive for better performance.

My personal record is 27 times.

Beat that.

E E R

F

TRIP TO IRAQ! • Get a tan!

• Bomb civilians!

• Chemical Weapons Scavenger Hunt!

Redeemable at your local Armed Forces Recruitment Office.

photo by Lisa Kodadek

Defender Of All That Is Muir Superhero struts her stuff while running to the rescue.

By Lisa Loveless Staff Writer A rare and special treat for our MQ readers: Just this past week I was able to sit down with the Muir freshman who is—yes!— none other than the alter-ego of the so-called “Defender Of All That Is Muir” Superhero. The superhero has requested that her alter ego remain anonymous, but perhaps you may see her, clad in superhero attire, flying the hallowed halls of a Muir residence hall near you.

Witnesses have called the feats of this daredevil university protector “marvelously and magically sexy,” “bacchanal Lisa at best,” and “completely and utterly unnecessary.” You, gentle reader, may make your own decision regarding the feats of this mysterious Muir entity.

MQ reporter Lisa Loveless: So why, exactly, Defender Of All That Is Muir Superhero, do you feel it necessary to be a superhero in your spare time?

Defender Of All That Is Muir Superhero: I see the issues that Muir students face I see the chaos, the confusion, the incoherent madness. Namely, school is too hard and no one is getting any ass. I know how to help; I save the day. I know how to defeat the lackluster educational torpor that is UCSD. MQ: Ah, I see. So, tell me how you help the students. What daring escapades do you involve yourself in?

MS: Well, just recently, one Muir resident, under severe stress caused by the rigors of UCSD academia (yes, my unsuspecting friends, it’s true!) attempted to defenestrate herself from a 10th floor window. The shock! The horror!

I had to do something!

MQ: Yes, reports indicated

that you came to the rescue!

The resident had been locked in her room for “like, a hella long time” according to the resident’s roommate. How did you coax the resident back to safety and sanity?

MS: Easy, Lisa. I had half a bottle of tequila and a couple naked frat boys—it worked like a charm to get that sad nerd back inside. I showed her that life was worth living; copulation is key, my friend.

MQ: That’s no fallacy. So, can you enlighten our audience on your stockpile of superpowers?

How do you defeat the leering madness that torments students so? Rumors claim that you don’t have any real superpowers at all—how do you respond?

MS: Well, I have red tights.

They’re sexy. And I have spandex. I can run really fast so it looks like I’m flying sometimes.

MQ: Fascinating. And, so, like a real superhero, I assume you have some demonic archenemy who continually foils your plots?

MS: Yes, Lisa, it pains me to speak—my archenemy—those hideous and strangely demonic Jesus sandals! Oh, why do boys have to wear them—those Tevas, with their polyester and velcro, or the leather kind that look like they came from Minnesota. It’s terrible! Guys will never get laid if they wear those diabolic excuses for footwear! Please, no more sandals!

MQ: Well, I’m not sure if our readers really care about having the sex anyway—Tell me a little more about your “Finding the Superhero In You” seminar that you’ve agreed to lead for the benefit of “Muir students and mankind alike.”

MS: Yeah. Half Dome. Tuesdays at 6. Basically, it’s just a big orgy.

Page 11

The MQ

November 26th, 2002

Acting to address fictitious student need, the UCSD Department of Recreation has begun construction of new athletic facilites north of Thurgood Marshall College. The new Inspirational Health and Wellness Center will offer exercise regimens modeled on the lives of historic martyrs in the hope that participants will be motivated to get in shape - or die trying. The MQ recently obtained an advance copy of the IHWC's recreation class catalog.

We present it here as...

24-Hour Martyr Fitness Chris Farley Inspired by the life of a man who died for overweight drug users everywhere, the Chris Farley health program provides an alternative choice to traditional exercise.

Centered around an intensive program of boozing and awkward physical comedy, the Chris Farley program will leave you bloated, sore, and wanting more.

Gandhi

Program Includes: •Spazzercise •Sweating a lot from being fucking fat •Jack Daniels weight routine •Breaking shit to the oldies

Fight the fat through a rigorous and mildly dangerous training regimen.

You'll take those pounds to THE MAT, through the teachings of the 20th Century’s most beloved pacifist.

Program Includes: • Kick boxing •Ultimate fighting class: Learn Gandhi's top 5 lethal strikes!

•High protein 3000 calorie diet Still not convinced? Maybe you just need to remember what Gandhi always said:

“Don't be passive about those “OH GOD pounds; kick your ALMIGHTY! Lose ass into shape!" some weight you TUBBY SONS OF BITCHES!"

Abraham Lincoln Honest Abe, one of our most popular presidents, died for his love of the theater, or the Union, or freedom, or something. And his face is modeled on the U.S. penny!

Lincoln’s life is the inspiration for our new new muscle building program. We feel confident that anyone can have success with the Lincoln plan, regardless of their motivations for wanting to be fit - after all, Honest Abe's ripped abs were just compensation for his missing left testicle.

You’ll start seeing a change after only two weeks!

Program Includes: •Marfans Syndrome slim-down!

•Double chin-concealing beard growth

"I'll emancipate you from this class when you finish your four score and 7 push-ups!"

Don’t forget: Wednesday night we honor Dave Thomas, who died

for putting the heart-healthy baked potato on the $.99 value menu.

November 26th, 2002

The MQ

Page 11

Newly added classes: M: 8 am: Princess Di Drunken Triathlon – Dodge landmines, paparazzi and your fugly husband T: 4 pm: John Lennon’s Appetite Control Clinic – This week: Nude pictures of Yoko Ono W: 7 pm: Darth Vader – Heavy Breathing Meditation Th: 5 pm: Jimmy Hoffa - Cement-Shoe Step Aerobics Th: 7 pm: Weight Training with Siddhartha – This week: Curling Nothingness F: 2 pm: “Your Body And You” with William Wallace – This week: Your Digestive Tract F: 5 pm: Workout With Joan of Arc – Feel the Burn Night!

Michael Jackson

Jesus Christ

Who wouldn’t want to model their life after the man who brought pop music to its finest, while fending off repeated allegations of child molestation?

As anyone who’s attended a Catholic Mass can tell you, Jesus had great abs.

This well-rounded fitness program, inspired by the life of Jesus of Nazareth, the Christian Messiah, who was also generally agreed to be a pretty swell guy, will have you praying for forgiveness in no time!

Program Includes: •Roman Centurions whip you into shape!

•Extensive cross training •Turn not just the other cheek, but BOTH cheeks - rock hard!

•Life Eternal.

Free Socrates Hemlock Boost @ Jamba Juice “Supplement your morning shake with a touch of death!”

Maybe his martyrdom is in question, but he’ll die someday, either under the knife, or under the weight of a Kindergarten class.

Whether you start as an overweight black man or an emaciated white woman, the Michael Jackson fitness plan will turn you into the visual equivalent of a walking corpse in no time!

Program includes: •Weight training with an infant and a fourth story balcony Catherine the Great was a German princess •Weight loss via nose loss who went on to overthrow her husband •6-year-old-dick diet and become the Empress of Russia.

•Long-distance moonwalking

Catherine the Great

Join the wellness program envisioned by the woman who set the standard for oppressive government.

Use her “cunning and falsity” to your advantage with her innovative new workout video.

And let’s not forget her most famous feat: dying while making sweet, sweet love to a horse. Even zoophiles need martyrs.

"I died on the cross for your abs!"

Redeem this coupon for a free “Jesus is my personal trainer” bumper sticker

Program includes: •Lots of friction •Interactive workout videos online at IDiedImpaledOnAHorse Cock.com

•A pleasant "full" feeling

"It's as big around as my thigh!"

Redeem this coupon for a free slice of sugar-free cake or one complimentary beheading at the Marie Antoinette Bakery.

"Beat that child!

Beat it, just beat it!"

20% off all boxes of Kurt Cobain™ low calorie shotgun shells.

Page 8

The MQ

November 26th, 2002

Giants Sweep Angels in Mascot World Series

By Luke Barrington Staff Writer Once upon a time, Anaheim’s Edison Field echoed with the prayers of devoted fans and songs of praise lifted the stadium roof.

But last Sunday in Anaheim, the San Francisco Giants made sure this fairy tale didn’t end happily ever after.

In one of the most one-sided victories in the history of the Mascot World Series, the Giants dominated the Angels in a 4-0 sweep. The Series ended brutally only 73 minutes into the fourth game when Giants first baseman, Cyclops of Crete, got his sixteenth strike of the game, clobbering the Angel Gabriel with his 3-ton left fist. The blow heralded the end of the Angels’ challenge and left God’s messenger and the faith of Anaheim fans shaken.

The Giants came into this World Series with one of their most impressive records in franchise history and were hotly favored to go all the way in the post season. With only two losses in the regular season (once to the broadside offense of the Pittsburgh Pirates, and a savage mauling from the Detroit Tigers in the Bengali jungle), they entered the first playoff match full of confidence and the uncooked flesh of their previous opponents.

The Atlanta Braves weren’t quite brave enough and were quickly dispatched by the Gi-

ants, who ground up the bones of the 55-man roster to make their bread. The National League final against surprise qualifiers, the St. Louis Cardinals, proved to be the most one-sided match-up in the League’s history with the small, crested songbirds standing no chance against a Giants line-up that weighs in at an average of 14,300 pounds each.

The Angels run-up to the World Series was almost as impressive and it was thought that with their immortality and great team spirit they might be the team to challenge the Giants for mascot supremacy.

The holy ones finished the regular season with a 13-game winning streak culminating in a victory over their American League archrivals, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Their first round in the playoffs against the Yankees turned out to be a thriller with the heathen New Yorkers finally converted by the divine power the Angels unleashed. The American League final against Minnesota was a different story, though, as the Lord’s soldiers quickly brought both Twins to their knees.

Asked for his reaction to the painful loss, Angels captain St. Peter said, “Well, it’s always a bit disappointing to let the faithful fans down by not bringing the Holy Grail of the MLB, the World Series trophy, back to Heaven.

[Angels General Manager] God gave us a pretty good roasting in

photo by Luke Barrington

“Giant crush Angel! Grrrrrarrraaawwww!!!”

the locker room, too but it’s not the end of the world, or even Judgement Day, yet.”

Giants’ shortstop, Atlas the Titan (ironically the tallest player on the team at 142’-3”), was understandably jubilant about the

victory. “Ha, Ha, Ha! We will crush the opposition and eat them whole. None can withstand our might!”

Asked how he planned to spend the off-season, Atlas was upbeat and said, “it’ll be nice to spend

some time with the wife and kids and the humans I keep like cattle, back at the ranch, and get away from the pressures of the league.

Sometimes it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.”

Study Reveals Diet Dr Pepper Tastes More Like Regular Dr Pepper Compared to urine, gasoline

By Justin Williams Mr. Pibb

photo by Diana Blazick

“Whys thus evweeybuddy kweep wooking ath me thunny?”

Student Gets Tongue Pierced: “I juth wann-ed to be cooel.”

By Diana Blazick Staff Writer Last Thursday, Ramanathan Narayan, a first year student at Earl Warren College, pierced his tongue. His official comment was: “Quith ma-ing fun of me! I juth wann-ed to be cooel.”

His friends and family had mixed reactions. “He’s been obsessing over ‘being cool’ as soon as he learned about the birds and the bees, said Bret Iwamoto, Narayan’s best friend. “That was

about three weeks ago, and quite frankly, I’m scared. He’s gotten so depressed lately. He can’t even hold a conversation with another person. I don’t think our tea parties will ever be the same.”

Narayan chose to adorn his mouth with a sterling silver stud that is a full eight millimeters wide at the point that it passes through his tongue. The local tattoo artist who performed the piercing commented, “Most people don’t choose to put that large of a stud in their mouth. Personally, I don’t recommend it; it hinders

most peoples’ ability to eat and perform certain sexual favors.

But we charge a whole lot for that particular model, so I totally didn’t say anything. Sucks for him though.”

Because Narayan is currently majoring in Spanish, he is struggling with his speaking classes and is teetering at the edge of expulsion. He is currently considering changing his major to sign language. Narayan is reportedly disappointed that he does not have the option to major in oral sex.

In an attempt to clarify Dr Pepper/Seven-Up, Inc’s long-running ad campaign stating that “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr Pepper”™, scientists at the University of California, San Diego have released a list of substances less likely to taste like Dr Pepper than its lowcalorie counterpart.

“The dispute really started in the Linguistics department,” said UCSD chemist John Balkowitz. “They got their panties in a bunch and squawked that ‘more’ is a comparative term, or something like that, and kept asking ‘Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than what?’ Finally, we told those pansies to shut the hell up and let the real scientists handle this.” Scoffing, Balkowitz added, “Freakin’ soft sciences.”

The official report, an impressive manuscript of over 600 pages, lists thousands of substances that taste less like Dr Pepper than Diet Dr Pepper.

The categorically alphabetized list contains some solids, such as balsa wood, steel wool and AA-batteries, but mostly

www.theMQ.com.

Eh...

liquids and plasmas, such as gasoline, human waste, boiling water, and the amniotic fluids of most small mammals.

Furthering the scope of their original project, UCSD scientists later plan to release a list of substances that taste more like Dr Pepper than Diet Dr Pepper, having accidentally discovered several during their initial research.

The list promises to be comparable in length to the previous document, and will contain items such as Coke, Pepsi, any dark caffeinated liquid with real sugar in it, carbonated prune juice, and the semen of 18- to 25-yearold men.

Just kidding.

November 26th, 2002

The MQ

A Student Perspective

by Rory Hornblower

Plagiarism: Saving Students’ Asses Everywhere

We’ve all been there: it’s midnight, you’re tired, there’s a hot young freshman sitting on your bed dying to get it on … and, as usual, you’ve yet to start the term paper that’s due in your 8 a.m. class the next morning. Just another typical Sunday night.

So, what do you do? Do you load up on caffeine, bust out the books and send Tiffani home?

I think not! You didn’t buy her those two beers for nothing.

So boom, in steps the Internet; point, click, cut, paste and voilà!

Instant term paper. This trick has been saving college students for decades.

“Why don’t you just study?” cry professors, hecklers and your buck-toothed virgin suitemates.

Please… if I wanted to study, I wouldn’t be a non-science major.

“Why did you even bother coming to college?” they continue to nag.

Simply put: High school girls are ugly.

Hopefully, the class for which this vexatious term paper is due will be taught entirely by a professor fond of using the E3M (Eenie-Meanie-Meinie-Moe) method for deciding grades. If, however, you’re unlucky enough to be in a class taught by a TA, pray that they simply go on strike again before they read your paper.

If they don’t, be warned that you just might get caught. Remember that TAs were just like you once-they had to plagiarize all the same papers you did.

Okay, so you’ve been caught, and now they’re calling you a plagiarist. In the eyes of a university, plagiarism is a major offense that will undoubtedly show up on your permanent record (somewhere between pederasty and prostitution.)

So, your parents are going to disown you, the Regents want to expel you, and the guy who actually wrote the paper in the first place wants to sue you. Well, here’s the good news: there’s a way out!

According to a study conducted by behavioral scientists at the University of California, Berkeley in the late 70’s, there is more behind plagiarism than simple laziness.

In fact, these scientists say many students are actually afflicted with a common psychological imbalance known as kleptologomania, defined simply as “the undeniable compulsion to steal other people’s words, writing, or ideas.” (Coincidentally, this study was conducted

around the same time that doctors started mass-diagnosing ADHD in five-year-old children based on their inability to sit still for five minutes. The children, not the doctors.)

Believe it or not, many prominent figures have suffered from kleptologomania throughout history. There was Mohandas Gandhi, who “borrowed” his idea of civil disobedience from Henry David Thoreau; Sir Isaac Newton, who “expanded” on Robert Hooke’s idea that bodies attract each other with a force that varies inversely as the square of their distance; and, of course, Celine Dion, who doesn’t know enough English to describe a ketchup bottle, yet has “written” dozens of songs over the past few years, all in perfect English. Hey, if these “role models” are getting away with it, so should you.

Kleptologomania is the perfect loophole… umm, psychological explanation, for any impulse to borrow, or (as those pesky Regents might say) “plagiarize” someone else’s work. As with any psychological imbalance, the repression of kleptologomania could be devastating to one’s mental health and must therefore be embraced, not suppressed. Do not heed the heckling of your professors nor the jeering of your fellow classmates. They simply don’t understand what it’s like living with mental illness.

Page 9

TOP TEN

Reasons First Years Go Home for the Weekend

10. Bland sex with high school girlfriend 9. Could use a break from meal point-induced diarrhea 8. Cute “high school” freshmen 7. To crap 6. Couldn’t bring all their porn in one trip 5. Swipe more of dad’s Viagra 4. Murder 3. Need a weekend off from their roommate “Sir Farts-a-Lot” 2. Miss mom’s cooking, nagging over lack of grandchildren 1. To wash their tear-stained laundry

TOP TEN

Signs Your Roommate Has Just Been to SDSU

10. They’re vomiting and crying 9. Trail of bloody urine leading from front door to bathroom 8. She just purchased 3 home-pregnancy tests 7. They’re wearing a SDSU sweatshirt ... and nothing else 6. They’re totally stupid now 5. They have a phone number scrawled on their chest with lipstick 4. They don’t remember your name 3. Someone named Bambi keeps calling your shared phone 2. They’ve got polaroids that would make Ron Jeremy cry 1. You can just smell the syphilis

ARENA How do you feel about the recent proposals to amend Title IX, which mandates the equal dispersal of funds to women’s and men’s sports teams at public educational institutions?

“I don’t want the Lady Triton’s Mud Wrestling squad to lose funding…

What? We don’t have a Lady Triton’s Mud Wrestling squad? I fucking hate this place!”

“If women’s sports lose funding, I’m going to have to go back to bingeing and purging to keep my figure.”

“I fully support Title IX. As a male athlete at UCSD, I want to make sure men’s teams receive as much funding as our far superior women’s teams.”

Mitch Carter Marshall Sophomore

Bambi Richmond I Phelta Thi Sister

Donald Wallins UCSD Basketball Player

“Title what? I’m taking NUMBERS 6-10 next quarter.”

Tiffany Rice-Carter SDSU Student

“Does this mean the male cheerleading squad will finally get the recognition they deserve?”

Julian McSwiggin UCSD Cheer Squad

Page 10

The MQ

A Student Perspective

By Ernest Johnson

I really love reading the California Review Take it from me, I’m retarded!

I’d like to take a moment to talk to you about the California Review. I know that they’ve gotten some bad ratings from readers at UCSD, but I think they’ve gotten an unfairly bad rap. I love reading the California Review - take it from me, I’m retarded!

You know, I love to read the California Review while I’m in class. It’s so hard for me sometimes to understand the professors, so I just tune them out and open up my favorite campus publication!

It’s so much fun! I don’t know how they come up with so many clever ways to blame Democrats for every ill in the nation. What geniuses. I’d totally join up with these crazy young conservatives, if I wasn’t born with a genetic condition that prevents me from developing intellectually beyond the age of seven.

And how can you not be impressed with the caliber of readers who enjoy the Review?

Rudy Giuliani? Jeb Bush? It’s amazing! I completely believe that these aren’t staged photographs, but actual faithful supporters of UCSD’s conservative student journalism. And I’m not just saying that because I’m retarded!

This one time, when I was at the camp for differently-abled

November 26th, 2002

TOP TEN

Fun Ways to Get Kicked Out of the Dorms

10. Hot box your bathroom 9. Have your parents move in 8. Schtup your RA, and tell him about it a week later 7. Organize a terrorist training camp 6. Invest rent money on a microbrewery 5. Obsessive defenestration of cats 4. Distance peeing contest toward your RA’s room 3. Install and use a litter box 2. Beach bonfire in lounge 1. Cock fight

kids like me, all these dorkwads were telling me that the California Review was just a rag filled with poorly written conservative propaganda. For a while, I really started to believe them. Could it be, I thought, that the icons and idols of my right-wing ideals were little more than subtly racist white men, preaching their extreme views to the few campus rejects who would listen? But then I figured, why should I listen to a bunch of tards?

I mean, maybe I’m not the brightest bulb in the cabinet, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy reading ill-conceived conservative drivel disguised as journalism.

I’m a big proponent of freedom of speech, as all of us with learning disabilities are. And there’s no

better way to promote freedom of speech by publishing such a blatantly partisan periodical that the only people who read it are the proverbial “choir.”

Sometimes I have some trouble understanding exactly what the California Review says. Like, how the Democrats are ruining the country, when both houses of the Congress are controlled by the Republicans, and the economy’s in ruins from the corporate malfeasance of the same contributors to the 2000 Bush campaign. But in all honesty, I really really love reading the California Review.

It’s so gosh darned great. It really helps me take my mind off of the crippling disease with which I was born.

TOP TEN

Reasons You Stole My Toothbrush, You Asshole

10. Toilet was dirty 9. You want a complete collection of all items that have spent time in your anus 8. I don’t know, why WOULD you steal my toothbrush, you asshole?

7. You want to pretend I’m spending the night at your place 6. You’re stealing my identity, one toiletry at a time 5. Because I hid my vibrator 4. Elaborate plot to steal my DNA 3. It’s just the type of thing to push me over the edge 2. You’re an unspeakable cad 1. Because I killed, ate your dog

November 26th, 2002

The MQ

Energizer Angered by Satire, Threatens to Sue MQ, cognizant of Falwell v. Hustler Magazine, runs threatening letter, self-serving retort (Ed. note: the following is the full text of a letter sent by Energizer to the UCSD Office of the Campus Council, and forwarded to us. Names are changed.)

This will follow up on our telephone conversation yesterday.

As I mentioned, we are intellectual property litigation counsel for Eveready Battery Company, Inc., maker of the ENERGIZER® line of batteries and lighting products (“Energizer”). For over half a century, Energizer has built its tremendous name recognition and goodwill and is recognized world-wide as a leading provider of quality batteries and lighting products.

We have learned that The MQ, “the official college newspaper of Muir College at the University of California, San Diego” according to The MQ’s “About Us” web page, has recently published on its web site and/or in print in its newspaper a purported news article entitled “Energizer’s New Ad Campaign to Feature Arab-Israeli Conflict.” The article falsely states that Energizer is planning a new advertising campaign which replaces its ENERGIZER® bunny mascot with the IsraeliPalestinian conflict because it is allegedly more successful in symbolizing long-lasting ENERGIZER® batteries and appealing to young consumers.

Among other things, the article describes the Company’s supposed use of graphic scenes of violence to boost product sales and attributes a number of highly offensive false statements to Energizer CEO J. Patrick Mulcahy (for example, “The Israeli-Palestinian conflict was just what we were looking for. It’s got everything that the 18-20 year old male demographic wants – sex, violence,

and drugs. Well, not the sex and drugs so much but boy are they blowing the bejesus out of each other,” “The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is just what we needed to cultivate a new generation of customers. It’s been a real godsend for Energizer.”)

The article appears to be part of The MQ’s current issue and is accessible on the Internet at the following web site address: http://themq.com/issues/86/ energizer.html. Although The MQ’s: About Us” web page states that it is a “satirical newspaper,” no such disclaimer or explanatory statement appears on any of its other web pages, including the page which features the Energizer article. Internet users can access the article directly through a search engine without clicking through The MQ’s home page or “About Us” web page, and consequently, may not realize that the Energizer article is, in fact, false and/or apparently intended to be satirical.

Energizer has not authorized The MQ or the University to publish this article. Among other things, the false statements embracing violence attributed to CEO J. Patrick Mulcahy are defamatory, injurious to business reputation and violate state libel laws. See e.g., California Civil Code § 44 et seq. The remedies for libel include special and exemplary damages.

As you will appreciate, Energizer views this matter very seriously and cannot allow such conduct to continue. Energizer is prepared to take immediate action to protect and enforce its rights. On behalf of Energizer, we request that the University, The MQ, its agents, employees,

A Student Perspective (Rant)

representatives and all of the persons or entities affiliated with or acting in concert or participation with The MQ take the following action: 1. Immediately and permanently remove the article from any and all web sites.

2. Immediately and permanently discontinue any further dissemination of the article in any media, including print media.

3. Promptly run the following retraction on the home page of its web site for thirty days an don the first page of the next issue of its print newspaper: “On [correct date to be filled in by The MQ], The MQ published an article entitled ‘Energizer’s New Ad Campaign to Feature Arab-Israeli Conflict.’

The article was intended as satire and was published without the knowledge or authorization of Eveready Battery Company, Inc. All content or statements attributed to Eveready Battery, Inc. or its officers therein are false.

Energizer would prefer to resolve this matter with the University and The MQ informally and without further action, if possible. Provided that The MQ agrees to resolve this matter on the above terms and conditions on or before Wednesday, November 5, 2002, Energizer will not seek damages against The MQ in conjunction with The MQ’s actions prior to the date of your receipt of this letter.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. We look forward to hearing from you on November 5, 2002.

Very truly yours, Mirkin Mirkin for MIRKIN, MIRKIN, MIRKIN, & MIRKIN

By Adam Armstead

What the Fuck is Wrong With You, You Fat Fucks?

Both a fatass old guy and two fatass teenage chicks brought lawsuits against fast food giants such as McDonald’s this summer. These lawsuits have arisen due to fatties claiming that fast food is unhealthy for you. Fucking duh! Did someone neglect to forward you the memo? Did it get lost in the mountainous folds of your gut or did you inhale it in one of your nightly “eat greasy dead cow till you pass out” sessions?

The extra chunky man in question had the audacity to claim, “Those people in the advertisements don’t really tell you what’s in the food. It’s all fat, fat and more fat. Now I’m obese.” Now you’re obese?! You’re fucking 5’10” and 270 lbs. At what point do you say, “Hey, I’m starting to put on a little weight”? Is it at 15 lbs. overweight? 30? Maybe it was when he realized he could use his fat fucking gut as a table for his Double-Double while driving.

I have sympathy for these people, but not because they’re obese, but because they were too fucking stupid to see it coming. I mean, it’s not like you just woke up one morning and were like “Holy Shit, I’m as big as John Madden’s fucking bus!” It was a slow, steady, inexorable process of blimpification, you goddamn cow.

Don’t tell me you never saw the Subway commercials telling you how much healthier real food is, because I know you’re sitting on your ass all day watching Jerry Springer.

Heads up fatties! When a meal at KFC is described as family size, it’s not meant to be consumed by

one fat guy for a light snack.

When you rouse yourself from your arm flab pillow feeling like someone else has been on top of you all night, it’s time to stop.

Perhaps most distressing about these lawsuits is that they are not meant to be jokes. The fatty makes his claims with a straight face, or what could be described as a straight face, were it not so fat and round. One wonders what McDonald’s should do to appease these fatties, who eat there an average of four to five times a week. Should they regulate it like a carnival attraction, “If your waistline is above this large, you are too fat to eat this food”? Or perhaps more like airport baggage screening, where if they can’t fit into a certain-sized box they are not allowed in the restaurant? I swear, of all the lawsuits against McDonald’s that make me want to cry, this is the fattest. Think about it while you’re crying into your supersized non-dairy shake product, you fat fucks.

Page 11

Energizer Posts 2nd Quarter Losses Cite sluggish economy, CEO’s erectile dysfunction

By Leroy McGibbons Gadfly Energizer stock plummeted last Thursday with the announcement that the company would post second quarter losses, instead of the modest gain that had been anticipated. Insiders at Energizer say that the losses are due to a sluggish economy and CEO J. Patrick Mulcahy’s raging erectile dysfunction.

“Energizer’s really gone downhill since Pat’s cock stopped working,” said secretary Heather Duncan. “He just doesn’t show the vision and leadership skills he used to have. You know, since he became half a man and all.”

According to Wall Street analyst Gregg Hapstein, the onset of erectile dysfunction has left Mulcahy distracted and unable to cope with the demands of running a multi-million dollar corporation.

“Mulcahy doesn’t have the focus to lead his company in one direction,” said Hapstein. “He spends most of his time getting Energizer’s attorneys to harass college satire publications. I think he feels less impotent when he brings all the power and resources of Energizer crashing down on a small group of undergrads. But really, it can’t compensate for the fact that he’s one of the few men in New York who isn’t banging his wife.”

Mulcahy has sought numerous remedies for his penile problems, but to no avail.

“He’s tried just about everything,” said former mistress Carolyn Flynn. “Men, women, 4-

TOP TEN

photo courtesy of the Internet

Energizer CEO Patrick Mulcahy’s dick just don’t work no mo’. You can sort of see it in his blank, corporate, impotent stare, can’t you? year-old Thai boys, ducks…we’ve busted out all of his old favorites, but he’s still as limp and saggy as Energizer’s third quarter prospects.”

MQ Presents: A Terrible Headline Queda Linked to Cole Attack Said Killed in Yemen Blast

By REUTERS Filed at 12:54 p.m. ET 11/4/2002

Most Embarrassing Care Packages

10. Souvenir photos of dad’s sex-tour trip 9. Collection of Chubby-Chicks porn 8. Star Wars Trilogy videos 7. Old He-Man underwear 6. Blow-up doll labeled “Mommy” 5. Picture of your “real” girlfriend 4. Edible underwear 3. Granny’s used pantaloons 2. Dead pet 1. Urine-stained blanket

TOP TEN

Things you brought to campus and will never use

10. Sex drive 9. Brand new surfboard 8. Three years’ worth of prom dresses 7. Clean underwear 6. Will to live 5. Your Bible 4. Your parents’ telephone number 3. Party clothes 2. Your diaphragm 1. Social skills

November 26th, 2002

The MQ

Page 12

MQ Trading Cards Familiar Holiday Faces at the Mall: 14-Year-Old Cock Tease

The Fucker with the Bell

Shrieking Brat

14

Psychotic-Consumer Mom

82

6

42

Purpose at Mall: Flaunt hymen to maximum effect

Purpose at Mall: Make parents forget why they wanted children

Purpose at Mall: Distribute Candy Canes laced with LSD

Purpose at Mall: To buy childrens’ love, complacence

Fun Fact: Owns matching thong and training bra

Fun Fact: Already has every toy you ever wanted

Fun Fact: Collection bowl also contains last night’s bowel movement

Fun Fact: The kids are locked in the car, underneath a lake

The Oblivious, Slow-Walking, Hand-Holding Old Couple in Front of You

Seasonal Rent-a-Cop

Obese, Unemployed Pedophile

Gazillion

38

58

Disgruntled Toy Store Worker 23

Purpose at Mall: Pass time before imminent organ failure

Purpose at Mall: Minimum Wage, Legal use of baton

Purpose at Mall: Unquestioned contact with pre-pubescent ass

Purpose at Mall: Backhanding kids while mommy’s back is turned

Fun Fact: Thrifty grandma washes, reuses depends

Fun Fact: Mall’s favorite drug dealer

Fun Fact: Ho Ho Homeless!

Fun Fact: Break-time spent with naked Barbies & hand lotion

Equiped with “Have Fun for One Day a Year” Beams

Sun on belly disguises vice and immorality with Care Bear-like iconography

Sun God: Internal Schematic Laser Beam “Burn Off Girls’ Cothes” Eyes

Fake ID Dispenser

Built-in Keg Unit

Internal Nano-Bot Cache designed to hot box a dorm in under 70 milliseconds

Armed with 100 Promiscuity Kits Which Contain: Dental Dams Condoms Nipple Clamps Coat Hangers

The MQ It’s a whole lot of fun. Even the crazy robotic Sun God thinks so.

Tuesdays, 6:00pm, Half Dome Lounge, Muir College. Newbies Always Welcome.

Retractions, Corrections, and Sarcastic Apologies • The inclusion of a quote from U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft stating “Civil Liberties, Schmivil Liberties,” was erroneously placed in our “Falsified Quote” section. It was meant to be included in our future “I’m Moving to Canada, You Fucking Crazy Republicans” section.

• The staff box on Page 2 listed Andy Collins as “Graphics Slut.” The job title should have read, “Tragically Underutilized Sexual Machine.”

• In the “Surviving Tijuana” Infographic from Issue I, the tip, “There are better places to smuggle firecrackers than in your anus,” was in error. In fact, there is no better place.

• We apologize for continuing to promote our Web site despite the egregious lack of content. Until the Web site is updated, we suggest you visit www.idiedimpaledonhor secock.com.

• In the April 16th issue in 1987, we mistakenly referred to legislation passed in Senator John Kerry’s third term as passed in his second. Our bad.

• We apologize if you didn’t find everything in the last issue completely brilliant. It just means you’re a stupid humorless fuck.

Go back to SDSU. • We wanted to address concerns about Sunny Rays’ legs in the graphic on Page 4 accompanying the UCSD Prostitutes article.

Our graphic was not in error; Sunny Rays does indeed lack legs. Her incredibly huge knockers support her weight.

• We apologize for the awkward jumping of the article entitled “Guardian Article Jumps.” In the future we will See RETRACTIONS, page 14