The MQ Volume 20 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

October 30, 2013

“If I died, it would have fucked up my whole thought process.”

— Lou Reed, 1942-2013

Volume XX Issue II

Don’t touch me there. Or there. Please, just put me down.

Government Shutdown Ends

Allows Congress to Get Back to Not Getting Anything Done

IN THIS ISSUE CLASSIFIEDS

3

FOODIE FOR THOUGHT

5

MITT ROMNEY’S REMODEL

6, 7

HDH REVOLUTION FAILS

8

SURVIVE LIBRARY WALK

10

NEWS IN BRIEF Republican-Democrat divisions were miraculously bridged after macaroni friendship bracelets were exchanged.

BY RILEY MALLORY

F

Staff Writer

ollowing the end of the three-week government shutdown on Wednesday, Oct. 16, members of congress are now catching up on dozens of diversions and stalling tactics that were left stagnant during the shutdown.

“I’m happy to say we can finally return to serving the

American people fully,” Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor said, attempting to maintain his composure. “We can now continue to pass legislation to make this a government for the people, by the people.”

During his statement, several nearby representatives were visibly struggling to stifle laughter.

Reportedly, the govern-

ment shutdown had forced the Republican representatives to put their Thursday night meetings on hiatus. Now that they are back to work, members of Congress can resume their weekly games of poker played for cigarettes during these meetings. It is unclear at this time if rolling-chair jousts have returned as well.

“It really is hard to kill as much time as we do,” said

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

House Republican Kevin McCarthy. “We’ve had to get pretty creative. I mean, we’re here every day not accomplishing anything. There’s only so many YouTube videos of people getting hit by stuff in the junk.”

“I’ve got a basketball hoop on my door with one of those

See CONGRESS, page 2

Talking Tree Continues to Filibuster Napolitano’s Appointment

BY BARAK TZORI Staff Writer

T

he Talking Tree continued to filibuster new UC President Janet Napolitano’s appointment today, making it just over 280 hours of continued speech on the subject.

Although Napolitano was sworn in on Sept. 30, the Tree has not slowed in making longwinded and ill-tempered remarks towards her. It frequently references the vote of no confidence activists have drawn up, her inexperience with such a position, and her “oddly fitting Ayn Rand-ish haircut.” Dozens of high school tours were disappointed in hearing all this political discourse when they were looking forward to hearing the Tree perform complex ethereal a cappella and creepy piano concertos.

The main focus of the Tree’s argument lies in Napolitano’s record on immigration. “During her reign as Homeland Security Secretary, Napolitano deported over 1.5 million people, mostly without good reason,” the Talking Tree explained in an interview. “I’m pretty sure most of the reasons for the deportations included more than half of them having criminal records, a quarter for looking too ugly, and the rest for being the ‘wrong race.’”

“I worry whether Napolitano will bring her attitude towards immigration to campus,” said the Talking Tree at around the 127th hour mark. “Many of the trees around me are undocumented. Most of them were smuggled here as seeds by squirrels or birds or forcibly relocated from Australia.”

MASS OF STUDENTS AT PINES LIKELY TO COLLAPSE INTO BLACK HOLE UCSD’s Office of Housing, Dining and Hospitality released a pamphlet of “helpful dining tips” today advising students to steer clear of Muir College’s dining hall, Pines, during peak lunch hours because otherwise it may “collapse into a singularity, consume the Earth and swiftly eliminate all traces of human civilization from the universe.”

Pines has long been known for inconvenient lines, but only this year, due to the closure of neighboring Revelle College’s dining hall, has the overcrowding been pushed to Solar Systemthreatening levels. The HDH pamphlet notes that the amount of personal space per customer within the caf-

eteria is now “literally subatomic” and that the fabric of reality has locally become composed of stir-fry. Physicists swarming to the site in hopes of getting one last research grant have only worsened the issue.

Despite warnings, most students seem consigned to the inevitable destruction of humanity and show no signs of staying away from the dining hall, commonly citing reasons such as “I already went to Goody’s this week,” “global warming was gonna kill us anyway,” and “screw it, I’m hungry.” Authorities recommend taking cover in Roots, whose emptiness may cancel the effects of the imminent collapse of spacetime.

STUDY FINDS READING ANCIENT BOOKS PREPARES YOU FOR REAL LIFE

The last time a tree talked this long, we got the Ten Commandments.

The Tree’s worst fears came true when, on Oct. 7, HDH Property Operations and Planning started a two week tree trimming exercise in the Warren Residential Complex.

“This is Napolitano and her blatant anti-tree agenda,” stated the Talking Tree. It continued to warn that “Warren is only the beginning. ‘Trimming’ is just politi-speak for eventual total and complete stump removal.”

The Tree showed reluctance in providing the names or locations of some undocumented trees, arguing for loyalty and brotherhood. And when pressed with questions, the Silent Tree refused to give

a statement pertaining to its immigration status, a demeanor campus officers are calling “rather suspicious.”

In a last ditch effort to slow what its been calling “Napolitano’s Tree Chopping Express,” the Talking Tree took time out of its filibuster to read Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree.” The Tree got a little emotional towards the end of the story; a few drops of sap were seen streaming down its lead exterior.

“The part when the tree is happy even as a stump just gets me every time,” the Tree sobbed gently.

The story is meant to showcase the potential for symbiotic relations between

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

humans and trees, something the Talking Tree does not see in Napolitano at the moment.

It went on to say that documented or not, eucalyptus or pine, every tree has something to give, and that Napolitano just has to be more accepting of each species.

It is hard to determine whether this final appeal to emotion has had any effect on Napolitano’s rule as the new President. Sources close to the floral landmark speculate that it may be a while before the Talking Tree returns to its familiar lineup of duck calls, historic speech excerpts, and strange satanic sounds that seem to be more felt than heard.

CHINA WINS THE WAR ON WALKING

LOCAL GIRL TRIES TO CHILL OUT

Wheels of progress turning faster than you think

Failed attempt results in brain freeze

Recent studies find that most employers now value knowledge of texts written in dead languages, such as “The Aeneid” or “Utopia,” over basic arithmetic skills or the ability to deal with customers without weeping as some of the most sought after skills in the job market today.

The study also reveals that reading Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” is actively preparing graduates to deal with living on their own with no financial support from their parents.

“Reading the Gospel according to John is the only reason I know how to balance my checkbook,” said Garry Leffers, a recent UCSD grad.

“I don’t know where I’d be if I never read ‘Oedipus Rex,’” said Warren Buffett in an interview last month. “It is the defining cause of my success.”

College graduates also report that spending hours poring over “Njal’s Saga” gave them the insight into the human spirit required to build emotionally meaningful and lasting relationships and how to conduct themselves in high level business interviews.

This study is yet more evidence of the ongoing shift away from the more liberal arts elements of college (math, science, technology) to more hardline, practical education in the literature of dead white men.

PRE-MED STUDENT WOWS HALLOWEEN PARTY WITH CLEVER “DOCTOR” COSTUME Donning her Chem 7L lab coat, her Rockin’ Roosevelt 2013 Unplugged T-shirt and a pair of 511 Levi’s Jeans, pre-med student Leslie Stinson astounded friends and casual acquaintances alike at Jason Suarez’s moderately-sized Halloween costume party.

“It was inspired,” fellow party attendee Gary Vo said.

“The bags under her eyes really pulled everything together,” he added.

Sources reported Stinson persuaded a group of revelers to take shots, stat-

ing that the 1.5-ounce servings of 80-proof hard liquor were “medicine” and drinking them were “doctor’s orders,” a joke that allegedly elicited mild laughter.

Becoming more inebriated, Stinson attempted to check a mummy’s pulse and even told a sexy construction worker, the Joker and a sexy Walter White that “smoking is bad for you, trust me.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

theMQ.org

October 30, 2013

Study Finds Everyone Unique, Special in Their Own Way

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1: little basketballs. I’ve managed to get pretty good at it actually.

Some of the other Dem’s come around to watch sometimes,” said Democratic Representative Harry Reid.

The desks in the Congress chambers, where Representatives spend many of their days, are scrawled with a variety of obscenities and caricatures of US and foreign political figures. On one desk, carved crudely with a knife, are the names of representatives Michael Bennet and Deb Fischer enclosed within a heart.

“I think Congress’ recent reputation as a group of incompetents is entirely unfounded.

We are working every day for the good of the American people,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, quickly removing a worn dartboard posted with a picture of Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner from the wall and moving a stack of papers over packages of red Solo cups and ping pong balls.

Congressional pages, used during the shutdown to carry notes between groups of representatives, have now returned to their normal tasks

Congress of racing one another through obstacle courses of desks and podiums for Representatives’ amusement.

A frequent visitor to Congress, Joe Biden was as saddened by the shutdown as the representatives themselves.

Now that Congress has returned to normal, he can be frequently seen exchanging nondescript brown paper bags and baked goods with Democratic Representatives for folded bills.

“Hey, we’re going to get a strip poker game going Monday nights if you ever want to join in. We’re just waiting until we get that fox Sarah Palin back around here to start,” said Vice President Biden, winking and slapping Republican Representative Peter Roskam on the back.

Congress will continue its current work up to the start of the 2014 congressional election season. Then, representatives on both sides of the aisle will come together for the bipartisan project of desperately trying to appear as though they’ve accomplished something in the two years since their appointment began.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

The study also revealed that the actual specialness of subject has a strong negative correlation with width of smile.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN

A

Staff Writer

landmark study conducted by the Group for Personal Esteem (GPE) concluded last week that, contrary to popular belief, every human being on earth is unique in their own way, and thus indispensable to the human race. We are all valuable, special, and wonderful.

The study further concluded that “much like the millions of snowflakes in a blizzard, we are all one of a kind and cannot be replaced.” Every person across the globe is special, the study concludes, “from Benny Zucker from Cleveland, Ohio, who can almost finish ‘Through the Fire and the Flames’ on Expert Mode in Guitar Hero, to Nelson Mandela, former president of South Africa and key figure in ending Apartheid, to Jenna Newsom from Ontario, Canada, who can bake marsh-

mallow blondies that would knock your socks off.”

Agents of the study, however, were met with harsh criticism from both the general public and the scientific community. “Folk wisdoms,” like the commonly-held belief that most people are either boring or terrible and no one deserves love in the world, have contributed to the study’s contentiousness, Gail Maherson, head researcher at GPE, said.

“I remember my mother telling me as a little girl that I would never amount to anything and I would end up just another soulless face in corporate America, yet all evidence points to the contrary,” said Maherson. “I’m sure a lot of mothers told their children that growing up. But the fact of the matter is, I’m special, you’re special, we’re all special. The research has been conclusive.

“See Momma,” Maherson added, with a single tear

rolling down her cheek. “You were wrong. I am special. I’m a special scientist doing a super important job and everyone loves me. Now you can love me too, Mommy.”

Academic critics, too, were quick to point out flaws in the study’s findings.

They first pointed to Richard Brown of Boise, Idaho, statistically the least interesting person in the world, as a counterpoint to the study. Yet upon further examination, critics agreed that being the least special person in the world was “kind of special in its own way, if you think about it.”

The findings also refuted another long-held study conducted by esteemed German psychologist Hans Grudelwich. “Kann Ich nicht du verstehen Oktoberfest Strudel Adolf Hitler (A conclusion on the uniqueness of the human condition and its meaning for the modern man)” in 1946, came to the opposite

conclusion that most humans were nearly exactly alike, minus a few superficial differences.

“I can’t comment on Mr. Grudelwich’s research methods, or even the general population in his time, but what we’ve done speaks for itself,” said Maherson. “But I can say that these findings aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive — our study does point to today being the greatest time to ever be alive. In fact, we seem to be living in the most special and wonderful time on Earth, and every day is yours to take if you believe in yourself.”

Before the results can be conclusively agreed upon, the tests still have to pass through rigorous examination. However, the scientific community has already begun the process, reviewing the first study in years that doesn’t conclude that cancer is incurable or that hoverboards will “never be a thing.”

Similarities between an Erection Lasting More Than Four Hours and the Math 20 Series 10. You don’t know what an integral is, but your dick is ROCK HARD 9. Physics majors have a really strong grip on it 8. After week four there’s nothing you can do about it 7. The tests for it are really painful 6. Really awkward going up to do problems in front of the class 5. Takes a lot of time locked in your room to deal with 4. You exaggerated its hardness in conversation 3. The AP exam didn’t really prepare you for it 2. Usually graded on a curve 1. Dear God, you really need help with this

Editor-in-Chief...............Allie Kisses Kiekhofer Managing Editor..........Garrett Big Hunk Chan Content Editor...........Kevin Big League Chew Design Editor..........Elizabits-’n’-pieces O’Neil Graphics Editor................Ryan Gibbles n’ Bits Graphics Editor..........................Sora Cheetos Copy Editor......................Almond Joy Deneris

Business Editor...........................Avi Kandibar Web Editor............................Connor Brewskis Publicity Chair..........Trev-by-the-Foot Malone Social Chair....................Hilareeses Morefield MQ Dad......Dubble Bubble Bora Buyuktimkin Foreign Correspondent......Wesley 100 Grand Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Jacob Aguirre Rasheed Al Kotob Jack Beegan Corey Breier Connor Brew Andrew Buss Bora Buyuktimkin Romelle Canonizado Mark Cayaba Garrett Chan Hillary Chan Wesley Chan

Sora Chee Rosa Cho Becca Chong Kevin Chu Angelique De Castro Andrew Deneris Brandon Ehlert Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Amber Gallant Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist

Rachel Huang Avi Kabani Allie Kiekhofer Grace Kim David Lee Lawrence Lee Riley Mallory Trevor Malone Natalie McLain Hilary Morefield Sean O’Neal Elizabeth O’Neil

Audrey Olson Corlin Palmer Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Cole Steffensen Tyler Takemoto Walter Thavarajah Hoang Tran Kyle Trujillo Barak Tzori Howard Wang Katherine Wood

All of our social interactions happen in 10 seconds or less. Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s 3:54 a.m., and I’m sitting in a bathrobe in the office wearing a bathrobe that I’m pretty sure hasn’t been washed since 2009. I smell so bad I used the Wet Ones Andrew bought to wipe my armpits. But here’s the amazing thing: I’m still surrounded by a room full of people. I was floored by everyone this production — the second one we’ve pulled off using our stand-in content room 100 yards away. Some MVPs: Elizabeth deserves a vis arts minor for the amount of illustrating she did this weekend. Kevin and Andrew altered content and copy to hit every curveball, without ever even flinching. Sora and Ryan may have graphics fully automated by next production.

We had tons of new faces at production, though they feel familiar already. Thanks to Riley and Barak for endless laughs and for trying your hands at content editing. Hope you had fun. Katherine, Lawrence, Kyle and Howard all had production attendance levels that rivaled my own. Insane. Natalie and Grace, thanks for hanging out when you could. Hope to see more of you. And finally, thanks to Garrett for managing both rooms so I could play dress-up and grind on everybody all day. I’ll work on the personal space thing next time.

Booster Club Thanks to Jacob for the funfetti cupcakes and pita chips, thanks to Kevin for the kawaii cookies, thanks to Elizabits-’n’-pieces and her baking crew (Andrew, Sora, Hilchan, Riley, Cole) for the brookies (brownie cookies). Thanks to Riley and Barak for the Dining Dollars we didn’t even try to pretend we weren’t using them for. Thanks to Garrett for the pumpkin bread, yeast bread, and super-fragrant kale dip, and Bora for bringing himself gummy worms. And thanks to every last one of you for chipping in for the birthday cake and song in honor of Trev, Riley, and my grandma’s birthday. Grandma, I’m sorry I didn’t save you any cake. Your card is on the way.

October 30, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 3

Outback Adventures Reports First Sale Ever

POINT

I’m Proud to Be in Role Playing Games Club!

BY BRENDAN WHITE

Level 12 Elf Sorcerer lright, I know what you’re thinking: “Role playing?

Isn’t that a sex thing? Also, you’re weird and smelly and we’re gonna pick you last for kickball.” OK, jocks, I know that critical thinking isn’t your strong point, but even you can do better than that. And no, it’s not a sex thing. I would definitely know.

I guess I’ll explain what role playing games are for all the uneducated peasants among you who don’t already know. Basically, you sit around a table, pretend to be a hero in a deep and well-written fantasy setting, and roll a bunch of funny shaped dice. No, wait.

Lemme start over. It’s pretty much like playing World of Warcraft, except instead of using a computer you just write a bunch of stuff on paper and use your imagination. OK

A

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“We are the happiest people on this campus. We sell surfboards. We’re not dying from poverty.” — Outback Adventures Employee Daily Affirmation

BY WALTER THAVARAJAH

F

Staff Writer

ollowing over 30 years of business with the UCSD community, Outback Adventures proudly reported its first sale ever, silencing rumors of the business’ imminent closure due to a “nonexistent target audience.”

At 3:54 p.m., UCSD sophomore Jason Nguyen entered the store, walking quickly around its perimeter before approaching an employee and asking for help in finding the restroom. After telling him that the restroom was reserved for customers, employees locked the store’s exits and escorted Nguyen to the sunglasses stand, insisting that purchasing a pair of sunglasses “would probably be a pretty good idea right about now.”

Nguyen proceeded to hand the contents of his wallet and a pair of sunglasses to an employee, telling him to “figure it out” before rushing off.

“I mean, the glasses were okay, I guess,” said Nguyen. “Still, it’s not really what I wanted to do with all that money.”

With their largest yearly profit margin since a penny was found in their “Take a Penny, Leave a Penny” jar in 1983, Outback Adventures has considered further expanding their franchise, planning the opening of another location in UTC by Fall 2014.

Additionally, plans have been made to renovate the former rental closet in Main Gym, catering to “the loyal customers that made Outback Adventures what it is today.”

“Recent sales have clearly indicated a need for our ser-

vices,” said Director Tom Rottler. “The market is constantly changing, and I don’t want to think about where I’d be now if I didn’t jump on opportunities like this one.”

Employees have been similarly motivated by the sale, with their salaries approaching minimum wage for the first time since the business’ opening. In an official statement made to commemorate the event, Rottler remarked that employee wages would additionally no longer be paid in Outback Adventures company scrip, citing the business’ newfound success as motivation for change.

“I’ve been here for five years now, so it’s really great that things are finally turning around,” sales representative Tiffany Kim said. “I got this job to put myself through

Classifieds

college, so I was pretty upset when payday came around and I got an envelope full of vouchers and a used surfboard.”

In light of its recent turnaround, community opinion towards Outback Adventures has soared higher than ever, with polled students praising it for being “That place with the stuff, right?” and “Probably on campus or something.”

Presented with the poll results, Rottler predicted a bright future for Outback Adventures.

“Really, looking at where we are now, we have nowhere to go but up,” Rottler told reporters, beaming. “And that’s great, because we have a whole back closet of climbing supplies that we’ve never sold that we can use.”

THE MQ

Personals

Seeking

Services

Selling lightly used casket. Casket has been used five times or fewer. Stains in interior fabric lining. $5,000. Contact: Mrs. Theodore Harvey née Draper. Currently grieving at Green Hills Mortuary.

Searching for sperm donor, 6 ft. tall, must have SAT score above 2000, must be Blond Chad, must be taking POLI 30 and sitting in front of me.

Gingers need not apply (I’m talking to you, Ginger Chad). Contact: Kelly. I’ll be sitting behind you in POLI 30.

Looking to rent closet space, larger than or equal to 5’6” in length, just for 3 months ‘til some stuff clears up. Contact: Mike. 626-555-3344.

Psychic-in-Training My grandmother Idina taught me how to dance through the spirit gate.

You may or may not call this number after reading this; the spirits are iffy today. 415-555-9990

Used fishbowl for sale.

Contact: Cory. 310-555-3917

Fish water for sale.

Contact: Cory. 310-555-3917 iPhone for sale.

Contact: 510-555-6612 Eyeless Beanie Babies collection with original Ty tags. Includes rare Kuddly Koala. Prices range $7 to $8,999 if you want Sparky. Contact: Liz Kaplan, 650-555-3490.

Selling a shitkicker who kind of looks like me. I’ll drop him off at the Doyle Park playground tomorrow at dusk. Leave $25 in the tunnel slide.

Hope-filled jar of air collected during Barack Obama’s 2008 post-election acceptance speech. Contact: Joe B. 202-555-4301.

Want photographer for “personal session.” Must provide own macro lens, towel, and condoms. Contact: Shawn. 1-800-ITS-4SEX Looking for Caucasian male, around 6 feet and 160 pounds, last seen running away with my iPhone. Contact Terri at 510-555-6612, but I won’t answer; somebody has my phone.

R.I.P. Mom. Looking for new mom.

Must be Barbara. Contact: Jessica.

I’m sitting in the armchair you used to love in the living room.

Have you seen me? Does anybody see me? Contact: I don’t know anymore.

Drunk woman seeking drunk woman for night of light fun, traumatic realization of sexuality.

Drunk man seeking drunk woman seeking drunk woman.

Looking to buy ad space in newspaper Classifieds. Contact: Eric.

Looking for car. Must have wheels, window, go forward. Seats are a bonus. Contact: Jacob. 415-555-3104.

I’m gonna need a ride to pick it up.

Looking to sell blood at below market value? I am looking to buy.

Contact: Jeff. I’ll be in the Doyle Park jungle gym every day at dusk.

Seeking smart, critically-acclaimed drama, must garner at least 2.0 rating. Call Lisa Cortez, Vice President of Television Programming, NBC 212-555-3483

COUNTERPOINT

No, You’re Just Pretending to Be

BY DAN WILSON

Level 13 Human Roommate

J

esus, Brendan, for a guy who has to spend the majority of his evenings trying to make people believe that they are in Middle Earth or whatever, I thought you would be more convincing. You’ve just been shoddily role playing as a college student interested in Role Playing Games Club since day one, you untalented hack. You only joined because Jessica from the third floor mentioned it once during Welcome Week, but it turned out she was joking about liking it, and now you’re just staying in to preserve your pride.

I will admit, I didn’t pick up on it at first, but I began to get the picture after you announced you were getting a “+4 bonus to charisma” whenever you got around to washing between your neck rolls.

And then there was the way you yelled “Level up!” at the

top of your lungs every time you were forced to let your belt out a notch. Please. I see the way you have to muster up the strength to leave the room every time game night is happening. And please stop asking me to go with you; I hate it just as much as you clearly do.

I’m trying to tell you, man, you need help. I shouldn’t have to pretend to be a psychiatrist to get you to stop pretending to pretend you — fuck it. I’m moving out.

TOP TEN

For Sale

Goldfish for sale. Bowl and water not included. Contact: Cory. 310-555-3917

geez, it’s hard to explain, just trust me when I say that it’s not pathetic at all and it’s irrelevant whether the majority of the games are played in my mom’s basement or not.

Look, the worlds we play in might be imaginary, but for once the socializing isn’t.

I mean, last week my friend Ben and I (he plays a dwarf cleric) slew an advanced dire dragon demon. I’m proud of that. Shut up.

Easy, fun, affordable male twin plumbing duo!

Will also reenact first five minutes of “Super Mari-ho.” Call 415-555-2310 Jim’s Pizza Delivery I have a van but no GPS. I will deliver pizza within 5 miles of your house. Spend your evening finding it. pizzaboy83@gmail.com Will give you validation for a low, low fee… …Not that you need it, since you have your life figured out so well already.

You’re doing great! Email Dave at iappreciateyousomuch@gmail.com.

Need 73 locks of human hair. Must smell fresh. Need for wig, not fetish.

Find Bo. I’m usually at Taco Bell.

Hey, does anyone wanna see me do a backwards somersault? I swear to god, I can do it! I did one just the other day!

Contact Allie at 310-487-4429

Seeking mayo, olive oil, silicone lube, WD-40, scented massage oil, PAM cooking spray. Gonna make a salad, fix a few hinges, and then maybe anal.

Contact Kathy: 510-555-1047

Will watch, summarize all episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy” you have backlogged on your DVR. Email Shawn at greysfan2003@hotmail.com.

Similarities between Visiting Your Grandparents and the Last Concert You Went To 10. You felt a lot of peer pressure to take Ecstasy 9. Had to yell in order to communicate 8. Your gold-printed “slut” bikini top was not a good idea 7. There’s vomit everywhere 6. The number of people dressed in oversized sweaters and thick rimmed glasses is absurd 5. All pictures of you are blurry, dark, out of focus 4. The couples just wouldn’t stop grinding 3. If only for a moment, you confronted the harsh reality that your time on this earth is fleeting, that anything less than fully appreciating each precious moment is criminal and that you definitely should’ve drank more before you got there 2. You walked in on your grandparents having sex 1. You went to see Death and pretty much left satisfied

Page 4

theMQ.org

October 30, 2013

Fraternities Introduce Hazing at Home Program

EDITORIAL

Oh God, I think I’m Dying from All-You-Can-Eat Korean BBQ

BY JULIA HARRIS

T PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“I did it, I drank all the beer!” this student cheered. “Great, now how do I get down?”

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER AND SORA CHEE

Editor-in-Chief and Graphics Editor

F

ollowing charges of illegal, forced hazing across the Greek system, UCSD’s Interfraternity and Panhellenic councils announced they would institute an opt-in hazing program called Hazing at Home, which is designed to allow students who pledge to be harassed however and whenever they choose.

“We realize that students at a research university have busy, hectic schedules,” Panhellenic Council wrote in a statement announcing the program. “The problem with hazing is that it’s been too exclusive. But with Hazing at Home, we’re making this once-alienating activity accessible and affordable to students for whom it would oth-

erwise have been completely out of reach.”

Hazing at Home offers adaptations of traditional hazing techniques that students can do on their own or in a group setting, with such activities as “swallowing a live goldfish,” “eating a bag of raw onions,” and “listening to The Eagles on loop for two hours.”

To facilitate self-inflicted hazing, PHC and IFC have jointly released a kit to accompany the Hazing at Home program. The kit, which costs $35, includes a personal-sized handle of Smirnoff vodka, a travel-sized paddle, five bloodstained thumbtacks, and a scathing, berating letter with fill-in-the-blanks for the pledge to fill in his or her own name. PHC and IFC expressed their hope that the kit would attract a wider range of students.

“Before we introduced this

program, pledges would have to attend a party to find excessive amounts of alcohol to drink, almost to the point of alcohol poisoning. That was a necessary prerequisite to complete the hazing process,” IFC president Marc Gerwish said. “But the Hazing at Home kit changes all that. Now, you can drink excessively alone in your room, on your own time.

It’s much easier, much more accessible, and I think it’s a pretty foolproof way to drive our pledge numbers through the roof.”

PHC and IFC said they hoped that students would be proactive in completing hazing activities on their own.

“We acknowledge that hazing is an activity that the Greek system, sadly, cannot legally coordinate,” PHC president Alyssa Le said. “So we expect all who rush their part and engage in an appropri-

ate amount of hazing on their own. Doing so — or failing to do so — will demonstrate just the initiative and work ethic we’re looking for among potential new members.”

The success of the Hazing at Home system, PHC and IFC said, would come from the inherent appeal of subjecting oneself to physical and emotional trauma in order to feel respect for oneself and fidelity to a larger organization.

“You could say people rush because they want the brotherhood, or sisterhood, or lifelong friendships, or whatever,” Gerwish said. “But those relationships are based on a longstanding tolerance for widespread, institutionalized, self-inflicted and mutual abuse. Hazing at Home streamlines the process of abuse so that a higher-thanever number of people can feel like they truly belong to the Greek system.”

Salon 101 Celebrates 12th Customer

BY NATALIE MCLAIN

Staff Writer alloons and confetti were the order of the day this week when UCSD’s own Salon 101 celebrated its 12th overall customer since opening in January. Eyewitnesses claimed that the number of students present to celebrate the business’s achievement was too high to count, but some figures indicated that as many as seven to eight were in the vicinity.

“It was definitely more than three,” Revelle mathematics major Stephanie Green said.

The celebration included light refreshments, complimentary armpit waxes, and a speech from Salon 101 owner Katy Kutz, who thanked those in attendance and gave background on the salon’s beginnings and strategies for success. Kutz said she came up with the idea to start an oncampus salon after repeatedly overhearing students discussing their need for basic essentials such as manicures and massages at trendily inflated prices. Recognizing an opportunity to cash in on a largely untapped market, Kutz snatched up what she called “a prime piece of real estate” in Price Center.

UCSD Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was scheduled to attend the celebration, but he and his team of guides reportedly disappeared after taking a wrong turn at Tapioca Express after they were seen walking into one of Price Center’s lesstraveled hallways.

Students and administrators alike have experienced similar difficulties in locating the salon. The UCSD Police Department reported that 26 people had gone missing looking for the salon since its opening. Of those

B

Stuffed

he symptoms started developing early. The hyperhidrosis was almost immediate given the heat from the grill. The drippings from the various meats have become indistinguishable from my own. Meat sweat with meat sweat. I feel violated.

The smoke is unbearable. My vision is blurring.

It says we have two hours and we HAVE to have been here for at least an hour and a half. Wait, only 20 minutes?

The clock must be broken.

We’ve already been given our check. I sense the waiters are tired of us. We’ve cooked so much meat.

That veal intestine took at least five minutes to cook and we have had five other plates of various animal parts. The man has come over at least two times within the past five minutes. Are we doing something wrong that would re-

quire our grill to be cleaned so frequently? Is the waiter just forgetful? My friend speaks Korean so we are all just kind of following her lead. What animals are we even eating?

I feel like that last thing was beef but I honestly don’t know anymore.

I have learned that I grossly underestimate the amount of time meat takes to become cooked. There is this salt mixture at the table. I dipped a little beef tongue in it and all I have been able to taste in the past three minutes is salt. The sauce near it is really good; maybe the salt and sauce are to be mixed?

After further experimentation again all I taste is salt; that was a bad idea … again.

There is a small but constant pain within my chest. It is like a very small, but very long-lasting, heart attack. I am fairly sure it is the sodium. I am trying to drink water and it is not helping. I have gotten up and walked around the restaurant too, hoping that my vision or this pain would subside but to no avail. Is this even fun?

We’ve been here for what I am told has been 30 minutes now. I am becoming more and more aware of my own mortality with each plate of spicy pork belly. We are just sacks of meat eating other meat and nothing is fine, but, yes, we would like another plate of bulgogi, and could we get more kimchi and whatever that pickled stuff is over there?

Thank you.

TOP TEN

Things Columbus Was Thinking As He Discovered America 10. Cartography Club is gonna be stoked 9. Blankets would make a nice gift 8. Suck it, Cook!

7. Seriously, where’s all the curry at?

6. How do I make sure I, and none of my crew, get the credit?

5. Did I lock my front door?

4. Boy howdy, am I excited for 400 years of mutual respect and racial equality!

3. I can’t wait ‘til they call this place “The Columbias” 2. Liz from school will flip a bitch when she sees this 1. Wait, I’m Italian! Why am I thinking in English?

TOP TEN

Signs the Person You’re Talking to Wants You to Stop

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Salon 101, pictured above, held a large celebration to commemorate the event. who have made successful visits to the salon, few have been intentional.

“Yeah, I’ve actually been there twice now,” UCSD student Kelly DeLuca said. “Neither time on purpose, per say.

I mean, I was ... a little out of it. I actually thought it was a tattoo parlor. But yeah, no, I only came out with a moderately crappy haircut instead of a permanent reminder of that asshole David, so I’d say it’s been a really helpful addition to campus.”

Kutz also thanked UCSD for fostering what she called “a trendy and socially active school environment,” which

she said ultimately allowed for the business to serve “a dozen deserving and satisfied customers.”

Kutz speculated that the success the business had seen was due to the plethora of students looking for a convenient spot to get their hair done and nether regions waxed for high-profile oncampus social events such as house meetings, midterms, and partaking in the weekly ritual of walking around campus alone, fruitlessly searching for something to do on any given night of the weekend. In fact, some have suggested that Salon 101’s

increased customer base — now into the dozens — is a result of a growing amount of partying on campus.

Despite hypotheses that the salon has done well due to a thriving social atmosphere at UCSD, research have confirmed that UCSD’s social atmosphere has remained stagnant or in steady decline since the mid-1980s.

Market analysts have offered a different explanation for Salon 101’s success, citing the shop’s addition of “$5 for the happy ending” to the massage catalogue as the more likely cause of the salon’s recent success.

10. They have three headphones in 9. You’ve been forced to start answering for them 8. There’s no one left in the classroom 7. You’re immediately redirected to their voicemail 6. They just said they have to go water their computer 5. Their hands are drawn to your throat for some reason 4. They’re starting to look like a tombstone 3. They’ve already taken three of your flyers 2. They’ve stopped trying to hide their weeping 1. You’re expressing an opinion

October 30, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 5

UCSD Hires Transportation Head Appropriately Sketchy Government Background Confirmed

Jina and Giles’ Halloween Sweet Treat Delicious Snack Recipe After 40 years at San Diego's branch of KPBS-NPR, Jina Chattanooga & Giles Mac-Donalds-Son have brought their sensual hour of flavorful foodie chat to the alternative stylings of KSDT at UC San Diego. Join them for a full course of ear delicacies, from earpatizers (ear appetizers) all the way to earserts (ear desserts). These Spookies (Spooky Cookies) are a great mouppetizer (mouth appetizer) for any hungry Halloween hole.

Spookies (Spooky Cookies)

Serves 24 conservative adults or two really hungry children; served with side of hummus and pita chips, Hamburger Helper, and cottage cheese.

Ingredients • One packet preserved kale powder • One bucket of flour (scary) • Two Pumpkin Spice Lattés, cups included • One tub I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! butter (We know what you’re thinking, we can’t believe it’s not butter either.)

• One stick Sin-Ammon™ • Memories of your mother

Cooking Instructions There are only three things certain in life — death, taxes, and UCSD parking tickets.

BY JACK BEEGAN Staff Writer

I

n an effort to solve its ongoing transportation crisis, the University of California, San Diego has announced the appointment of Charles “Chuck” Owens as its first Head of Transportation, citing his background as director of the Strategic Solutions Agency, a mysterious government organization that appears to have received funding as part of the War on Terror.

“It used to be ‘Department of Covert Affairs.’ I was the ‘Director of Covert Affairs’ ‘till that TV show came on,” explained Owens in a press conference. “Then all of a sudden there were a whole bunch of ‘Directors of Covert Affairs’ on account of the 52 episodes over the course of the show’s four season run.

“That one really hurt,

though. I mean it’s the ‘USA’ channel right? Aren’t we playin’ for the same team here?” he added.

While some skeptics might point out that Owens’ appointment is just another step in an ongoing University of California-wide trend that emphasizes administrators over educators, the university has defended its choice.

“He definitely went to school somewhere,” said Chancellor Pradeep Khosla.

“And what can prepare you for a job like this better than … hmm, his job history appears to be almost entirely redacted.

Oh hey! He worked as an … unspecified contractor for a sixth month period right before 9/11! That’s something, right?

“Regardless, Owens got a glowing recommendation from Big J [University of California President and former

head of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano], and I remember meeting him a few times when I was working on those, umm, those flying robot bombers,” he added.

Owens will have to adapt quickly to his new environment, one that promises to be quite different from the coastal plains of Yemen, the urban battlegrounds of Panama, or the file-cabinet-strewn wastelands of Washington.

But sources revealed the new director is anxious to get on the job, reporting he has “looked at maps,” “thoroughly examined at least three SuperLoop bus stop benches,” and “insisted on driving an empty shuttle-bus to work each day.”

The former SSA head, though, does not believe his lack of experience will be a weakness, as his lack of official experience is due in large part to the clandestine nature of

PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG

his former occupations.

“Hey, now let me tell you, hombre — that’s what they call people down here near the border, right, hombre?” Owens asked, before continuing. “Anyway, hombre, I know a thing or two about transportation. You ever move couple hundred kilos of heroin out of Afghanistan because Dick Che — I mean a close friend told you to?

“You see, a student is a lot like a couple kilos of heroin; they’re too darn big to shove up a donkey’s ass,” he said. “So you gotta figure out another way to move ‘em.”

While filling the shoes of literally no-one might be a daunting task, Owens remains unfazed and has even hinted at plans for Transportation Services including automated shuttle drivers, full-scale troop deployment, and what has only been referred to as “intense transportation.”

Kalos Region Lawmakers to Restrict Tourism, Immigration

Immigrants who make it over the fence evolve from Third-World resident to second-class citizen.

BY JACOB AGUIRRE

F

Staff Writer

earing that increased tourist interest in the Kalos region will have negative effects on the economy, lawmakers are attempting to heavily decrease all forms of immigration through the newly proposed “Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act.” Following the discovery of 69 new and indigenous Kalos species by the region’s premier zoologist Professor Sycamore, tourists have flocked from the five previously unknown continents of the world in order to experience these new species for themselves. “Trainers,” as the tourists have dubbed themselves, wish to capture these new species in their balls as a means of taming and befriending them. The “Pokémon,” a foreign colloquialism for the recently discovered species, are heavily coveted

by the tourists; they must “catch them all” or face ridicule by their peers.

The law, proposed by Sen. Gentleman Renaud, would address concerns of possible economic instability by placing barriers on travel by land, sea, and air, as well as employment, naturalization, and foreign media. The proposed act would ensure the safety and stability of Kalos’ economy by barring any foreign entities from buying into it.

Aquacorde Town, the starting destination of most tourists, is heavily reliant on the tourism and has already begun the preparations for ending tourism by placing large rocks in the waters around the coastal city. Aquacorde local Schoolboy Kipp is the most vocal proponent of the proposed act.

“These tourists are stealing our jobs,” Kipp said. “My mom hasn’t been able to find work for the last year, much less the last week. I mean, just last week a new

person moved into town and I distinctly remember him visiting three months ago, because he just walked into my house and asked me for items. This law will prevent a similar thing happening three months down the line.”

However, some have pointed out flaws in restricting tourism entirely. Scientist Lowell, a statistician based in Shalour City, is a vocal opponent of the proposed law, admonishing it for being “contrary to facts, logic and basic human decency.”

“I don’t understand,” Lowell said. “In all known instances, tourism has only been a boon for the economy.”

Some observed that nativist sentiments against tourists had grown stronger since the tightened legislation. Joey Young, a Johtoian tourist, reported that since arriving in Kalos he has found it “hard to look the natives in the eyes” for fear of inciting a verbal battle about the merits, or lack thereof, of immigration.

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“I’m just visiting for a few weeks,” Young said. “I didn’t mean to spark a big debate.

I’m just here to find a girl, get and job, and be sure I’m in the top percentage of trainers. So far, however, I’m impressed by the lawmakers’ ability to consider getting laws passed. It’s a welcome change from when I lived in the United States.”

Despite the large opposition to the law from within and outside Kalos, the legislature seems split almost evenly on the issue. Sen. Renaud, the draftee, reports off-the-cuff that “the law is really just a hype-generator.”

“I’m up for re-election soon and I hope that this attack on tourism will give me the edge over my opponent Swimmer♀ Beverly,” Renaud stated. “The public seems to be loving her pro-gun rhetoric, so maybe I can nip that in the bud by making her look pro-immigrant. I really don’t expect this law to generate more than votes and endless bickering.”

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. If your oven is broken, just make one out of tinfoil and leave it out under direct sunlight. (Note: Must have sun to work) 2. Put a pot on the stove, and place both Pumpkin Spice Lattés inside. Conjure up memories of your mother and sob softly. Allow your tears to fall into the pot.

3. Turn the stove heat on high for all stations but the one the pot is on. Leave for 12 minutes.

4. While Pumpkin Spice Lattés and tears sit in pot, mix kale powder and flour in bowl. As you’re stirring, throw the butter at the wall. Let all sit for 3 minutes.

5. Take pot off the stove, and pour the flour and kale mixture in. Mix in a dash of Sin-Ammon™.

6. Scrape butter off the wall and into pot and stir until viscous. To test viscosity, stick the hand of a sleeping friend into the pot. If they pee, it is not properly viscous.

7. Ladle 48 cookie-sized lumps of Spookie (Spooky Cookie) batter onto baking tray. Place in oven. Let bake for as long as it takes you to stop crying.

8. Serve. If Spookies (Spooky Cookies) are still lumpy and viscous, you never loved your mother.

For more playful and delicious recipes like this, listen to Foodie for Thought, Fridays at 10 a.m. on ksdt.ucsd.edu.

TOP FIFTEEN

Reasons You Didn’t Get That Internship 15. You failed the swimsuit portion of the interview 14. The first thing you say is “We’ll ask the questions here” 13. Pleather playsuit you wore to the interview wasn’t business casual 12. Failed the moral ambiguity test 11. Habit of singing everything you say 10. Answered every question with “I know you are, but what am I?” 9. You forgot to change your email from sluttyskatergirl58@netscape.com 8. Unmaskable body odor 7. You showed up to the wrong interview 6. Seduction attempt was underappreciated 5. Your cross necklace was accidentally upside down 4. Not enough street cred 3. You didn’t put “can cook minute rice in 58 seconds” under special skills section of your resume 2. You said you were a communications major 1. It wouldn’t have been the right fit for you anyway

THE MQ The gift that keeps on taking.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

October 30, 2013

Mitt Romney’s La Jolla Mansion Remodel

Remodels to Casa de Romney have already made headlines, with monumental additions being planned that will dramatically alter the entire La Jolla Shores community. Sources have recovered Tagg Romney’s Mormon seminary composition book from three years ago, in which we found what appeared to be a blueprint for the new house, sandwiched between a crude crayon drawing of something resembling a machine-gun wielding angel and a page with the sentence “I will not place lizards in Ms. Harris’ desk” written 50 times. The blueprint is reproduced below, along with some of the rumored additions not included by Tagg.

The Fox News L Complete w

An Island to House His Offshore Bank Accounts

Quintuple Sons, Halve

October 30, 2013

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Page 7

4:1 Scale Model of the Washington Monument

Glass Ceiling

La Jolla Newsroom, with Giant iPads

Bunk Bed for His Five Tagg, Tad, Chunk, erson and Thunk

A Constantly Running Cold Shower to Combat Sexual Urges

Deportation Tunnel

A Herd of Cows That Only Produce 1% Milk

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October 30, 2013

HDH Revolution Fails after Student Protesters Starve

EDITORIAL

A Brief History of the University of California

BY ORION V1.2.5

Android Historian of the Former California Republic

T PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG

Students were at first reluctant to eat the signs, but then discovered that they had a similar taste to the barbecue chicken pizza served at many dining halls.

BY TYLER TAKEMOTO

M

Staff Writer

ounting tensions between UCSD students and Housing, Dining, and Hospitality (HDH) reached a breaking point last week when an enraged group of UCSD students numbering in the thousands marched on the HDH administration building, calling themselves the “UCSD Food Fighters.”

Brandishing buckets of moldy fruit and rotten eggs raided from Pines earlier that day, the Food Fighters stood their ground at the base of the HDH building, shouting profanities and catcalls at HDH staff. As the day dragged on, however, hungry students turned to their weapons for nourishment.

“We wanted to throw the

rotten food at the building, to make a statement that the HDH was ‘rotten to the core,’” said Janice Green, one of the protesters. “But people were too busy eating it. I guess people just really like free munchies.”

Numerous protesters were later hospitalized for symptoms related to malnourishment and acute food poisoning. Dr. Mary Wong, who oversaw the treatment of many of the protesters, recalls feeling shocked by what she saw.

“Each of the patients showed signs of severe emaciation and dehydration,” Wong said. “At first, I thought I was looking at scrawny, shriveled alien spawn, but I recognized them as college undergraduates as soon as I saw they were wearing lanyards.”

Several dozen members of the campaign later pooled their remaining dining dollars and Triton Cash, amounting to a total of $283 — just enough to buy a single dry-erase marker and a roll of removable tape from the bookstore. Sources reported that the group resorted to tearing off the flyers of other clubs and writing their campaign information on the back with the dry-erase marker. Afterward, they posted the flyers on the entrances of several dining halls and markets around campus.

In response to the UCSD Food Fighters’ protest last week, HDH spokesperson Harold Guano announced the organization’s intention to create a “no-cost food club,” where, instead of paying $3,060 to get 3,060 dining

dollars, students pay $3,060 to get 3,060 dining points that can be redeemed for free food throughout the year.

Some students are skeptical of the new program. Alan Johnson, the leader who spearheaded the UCSD Food Fighters’ campaign against HDH, expressed his discontent for what he sees as “rampant” student complacency coupled with general brain-deadedness caused by malnutrition.

“They’re all so blind,” Johnson said. “HDH is really taking advantage of the nutrient-deprived states of our brains and blindsiding us with terrible deals.

“Thank goodness that fly flew down my throat this morning while I was walking to class,” he added. “Or else I might have also fallen into their trap.”

Disney Princesses Stage Coup, Form Monarchy during Government Shutdown

I

TOP TEN

Similarities between Your Bank and Your Bathroom

BY KYLE TRUJILLO Staff Writer

n the wake of the recent government shutdown, the Disney Princesses have staged a quiet, bloodless coup of the federal government.

“We the united Disney Princesses stand in a uniquely strategic position to step in and provide the strong leadership this country has lacked for so long,” declared SpokesPrincess Jasmine, speaking to reporters from the newly painted Pink House.

She explained that “though this is a takeover, it is anything but violent.” She also warned that although the princesses expect little resistance, the Genie’s godlike powers would easily and comically neutralize all who oppose the new monarchs.

Princess Jasmine then declared the new capital of the nation to be in the hearts of all Americans who believe in magic and the absolute power of love.

“RAWR,” added the SpokesPrincess’ pet tiger and new Missouri Senator Rajah, prompting self-satisfied chatter from Missouri Senator Abu. Environmental Protection Princess Snow White assured an assemblage of senators that still have not fled overseas that the structure of the legislative branch would remain much the same. Legislation is to be streamlined by combining House and Senate into one committee of seven quirky midgets, a nod at the time-honored American tradition of laws being made by old white men. When met with cries of protest from the now jobless senators, EPP White assured the congressmen that they were probably well over-qualified for existing minimum wage jobs.

Though the regime change raised many questions about

he telegram reads: “send reinforcements STOP our numbers are being overrun STOP casualties exceed 1000 STOP carpal tunnel syndrome major cause STOP please send wrist braces STOP echo outfit sent to scout chancellors complex STOP lost contact with echo outfit four days ago STOP war effort against napolitano failing STOP the drones are blocking out the sun STOP we are taking a hiatus STOP i need to make it to ochem lab for caffeine extraction STOP.” This communication was one of the few that survived the Napolitano Cataclysm. It has been fifty fateful years since those events wiped out the University of California. Some say it was the forced deportation of undocumented course auditors that caused it. Some say it was the test drone strike on the Sun God statue. Others say it was Housing, Dining, and Hospitality’s refusal to stop serving pink-, white-, and brown-striped ice cream.

Whatever the cause was, it led to the consumption of ten universities in atomic hell fire.

Few records exist to validate many of these historical claims, but among the scorched parchments, half-erased chalkboards, and screenshotted Snapchats, Pradeep Khosla’s

name pops up over and over.

The earliest dating correspondences glowed bright with “Keep Pradeep!” and “Khosla’s Handlebar Moustache Biker Gang 4 Life,” among many others. However, darker and angrier messages surfaced correlating with Napolitano’s appointment, like “Who goes to a school named after a fruit?” and “No one even likes coleslaw, it just appears as a side.”

The evolution of sentiment tracked through these messages constructs a tenuous tie to Pradeep Khosla and a worsening UC San Diego atmosphere that ultimately solidified its position as the first school to rebel against Napolitano.

At first, the rebellion was seemingly peaceful. Students conducted nonviolent demonstrations and “willingly” enjoyed pepper spray flavoring in their eyes and mouths.

However, growing surveillance tactics, the shutdown of Graffiti Hall as an artistic outlet, and the purposeful failing of pre-med students by a professor under orders riled up the dormant student body within Geisel Library.

Insurgency ensued, followed by near all-out warfare. As fighting intensified and drew out, Napolitano became progressively more ruthless right up until the end of the conflict, rooting out neutral parties for harboring code errorists. Enhanced interrogations via Week 1 and 2 midterms cracked many members of the opposition.

Nonetheless, student resolve remained and seemingly began to turn the tide against Napolitano and the administrations of the universities.

Beyond this point, records of any kind cease to exist from any of the campuses and Napolitano v2.0’s whereabouts are unknown. The most educated guesses suggest either Arizona or the warm embrace of Mark Yudof.

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

In reality, this picture represents little change — as if the capital weren’t already run by firmly entrenched political royalty. the plans of our new government, Princess of the Federal Reserve Tiana has been largely unresponsive to urgent queries from reporters and state officials, sending out one mass email telling everyone to “Please chill out, I’ve got everything under control.”

Former President Barack Obama seems to be in compliance with the changes, although he expressed concerns about the responsibilities of the federal government to the American people.

“Michelle and I are hopeful that these princesses will have the political know-how to deal with the great challenges our country faces, and we are also proud that our daughters have joined the new Princess Party,” said Obama from a Pink House conference room.

New York Times economist Thomas Friedman echoed this sentiment, recently blogging, “I’m optimistic about our

economy’s future under these Princesses. I’ve seen Princess Tiana’s movie, and I’ve been to her restaurant. Her cakes are affordable and positively orgasmic. If anyone can keep our economy working for the benefit of all Americans, it’s her.”

On the foreign policy front, however, the Princesses have been quick to make drastic changes, perhaps hoping to prevent any of our country’s allies from attempting to come to the aid of the fallen government. Princess Ariel, now in charge of the nation’s naval forces, has replaced armed ships with teams of singing fish and whales, and has replaced all combat training for existing troops with underwater dance training.

Emissary Princess Mulan has just returned from a series of talks with Chinese officials. It is unclear what was discussed, but President Xi Jinping has

declared all debts owed by the recently dissolved United States null and void under the new government.

Not everyone has been so accepting. Jafar has called on the U.N. to condemn the Princesses’ actions and treat the former United States as a country at war, while Ursula, Queen of the Marianas Trench, has lobbied for a naval blockade of the country by all U.N. members. Yet in a still more drastic turn of events, North Korean supreme leader and once-closeted Disney-phile Kim Jong-un has committed the full support of his vast army and its many technologicallyadvanced machines of war, as well as invited all the Princesses to his palace for a “royal slumber party.” Should this takeover prompt an armed international conflict, Kim is determined that the Princesses’ new government lives happily ever after.

10. You keep your money there 9. It’s never available when you need it the most 8. Why is this dude peeing RIGHT next to you?

7. One time you took a huge shit on the floor accidentally 6. The amount of blood in the trash can concerns you 5. You wonder what they’re trying to cover up with all that industrial cleaner smell 4. You didn’t learn how to use it properly until a few years ago 3. You tend to feel either very clean, or very dirty when you emerge 2. It’s just a shithole anyway 1. You keep getting screwed there

THE MQ

Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge.

October 30, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 9

Student About to Fail Exam Feeling “Confident and Prepared”

Asian Freshman on Library Walk Abducted by Five Different Pre-Med Societies

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“Can we hurry up and kill the goat already?” one pre-med asked. “I have to go home and study acyl mechanisms.”

BY GRACE KIM Staff Writer

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Ethenberg was so confident that he didn’t even bother bringing an eraser.

BY ALEXANDER CACAHUETAS

S

Staff Writer

am Ethenberg, a student who would soon horribly fail an exam he was about to take, commented to sources that he was feeling “confident and prepared” for his CHEM 140A midterm.

The second year student in Marshall College reportedly spent much of the preceding week managing his time effectively in order to ensure that he had plenty of space in his schedule to study for the test that he is about to absolutely bomb.

“The test is mostly multiple choice questions, with five short answers at the end, so it should be pretty easy. I think I’m going to do really well on it,” Ethenberg inaccurately

stated. “Plus, the professor gave us all a comprehensive study guide that I think really aided in my studying.

“I think it really helped me fully understand some of the more complex concepts,” he added, commenting on how he really does incorrectly think he understands the concepts which he will completely fail to accurately answer questions about on the test.

The CHEM 140A course is required for Ethenberg’s chemical engineering major, and is a prerequisite to many future courses he also needs. Sources confirmed that in the days leading up to the test, Ethenberg and his friends had formed a small study group and would meet regularly to compare notes and quiz each other with

flash cards, adding to Ethenberg’s confidence about how his performance would be on the upcoming exam that would cause his failure in the course, delay his progression through higher education, and ultimately result in his dropping out of school.

Before going to the exam that would completely ruin his chances of passing the course, Ethenberg woke up and had a blueberry cream cheese danish, which is the same breakfast he ate the morning before he aced his math final last year. “It’s kind of like my good luck breakfast,” Ethenberg mentioned to sources, explaining how he actually believes that the danish might help prevent him from his ultimate, inevitable failure on the exam.

Ethenberg has also reportedly made plans to celebrate with some friends afterwards to reward themselves for all their hard work studying, not taking into account the crippling emotional trauma and stress that accompanies such ridiculously bad performance on a midterm exam.

Not to mention what his parents will do when they find out, sources are realizing. Oh God, he really is screwed, isn’t he?

At press time, Ethenberg was getting out his lucky pencil, the one that Kathryn gave him that one time, which he would now use to fill out all the wrong answers on the soon-to-be tearstained sheets of yellow paper on his desk.

DIY Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas Christmas Pumpkin!

Required: Pumpkin Halloween Costume, Axe Tween Cologne, Mop Water Marinate pumpkin costume in mop water and Axe Tween Cologne overnight to develop a rotten scent and foster a stable mold colony. Remove from marinade, line dry.

For a Hanukkah pumpkin, change nothing.

Silent Tree!

Required: An Outfit, A Diaper Put the diaper on. Stand in front of Geisel, without speaking, for hours (or however long the diaper lasts).

To make your costume more “alternative,” hold your fist in the air.

A

licia Chen, a first year music major at Muir College, was discovered near the Talking Tree on Oct. 10 after being attacked, kidnapped by five pre-med societies, and held hostage for days.

Eyewitnesses claim Chen was abducted on Library Walk when she was returning from her class in Warren Lecture Hall and walking through the FFOG Student Organizations Fair that was occurring on Library Walk.

Several student organizations set up tables, shoved fliers into students’ faces, and asked passersby if they were interested in paying $20+ to make friends.

Among the numerous clubs that were present, the premed societies were reportedly the most eager to recruit new members.

As the number of students ignoring the ambitious club representatives reached its peak, five pre-med societies ambushed the wide-eyed Chen just to grab one more potential member. Scavengers from five different pre-med societies circled around Chen as she unknowingly stepped into the hunting grounds for the clubs.

As soon as one of the flier-shovers took one step toward Chen, members from all five clubs pounced on the freshman.

Witnesses say that one club hurled caffeine darts, another knocked Chen out with an organic chemistry textbook, and all five wrapped the victim in white lab coats weaved of premed students’ stress-induced white hairs. Some claimed that a circle of baggy-eyed students were seen later that night holding candles and chanting, “Accept us” while facing the UCSD School of Medicine with a limp figure in the center covered by furry lab coats.

Chen was easy prey for the member-hungry student organizations. According to Student Life Advisor Erica Advisio, freshman walking alone are the most vulnerable and easy to

approach when it comes to advertising clubs. She explained that pre-med organizations exhibit a vicious, aggressive nature while others, such as Christian clubs, attack less violently but in a pestering manner. Advisio speculated that the apathy shown towards the pre-med societies provoked the hungry predators, leading to Chen’s kidnapping.

“I swear I saw the devil in their eyes,” Chen stated, hours after her recovery. “Why does one more member in their club even matter when there’re already thousands of pre-med students here?”

When asked why the premed clubs targeted her, Chen shook her head in confusion.

In between sobs of fear and anguish, she cried, “I’m a music major! I’m not even taking biology!”

Views on the Chen kidnapping are split among the UCSD community. To prevent any similar occurrences, the UCSD Police Department sent emails advising undergraduates to avoid baggy-eyed people holding thick textbooks or any publications labeled “Medical School Admissions.” Meanwhile, pre-med students deny that they would go that far.

“Sure, we grow white hair from stress, have caffeine addictions, and worry about our GPAs every day, but would we kidnap someone?” Cyril Liu, a third year premed student, argued.

After a brief pause, Liu added, “Wait, actually — do you think that would make my application stand out?”

Freshmen like Chen who are not planning to apply for medical school are reportedly terrified.

“What if the research opportunities they’re talking about is kidnapping people like me and cutting us open?”

Sarah Park, a first-year theatre major, said. “I’ve looked into their baggy-lidded, lifeless eyes before; I’m certain they would do anything to boost their resumes.”

TOP TEN

Signs You Shouldn’t Trick or Treat at This House

Glue!

Required: Glue Cover yourself in glue.

For a longer lasting costume, try Krazy Glue!

10. It’s on fire 9. Police tape looks really real 8. Hand-wrapped candy 7. Interior coated in Saran Wrap 6. This is where you buy your crack 5. The fake cadaver on the lawn has a very real smell 4. The house is decorated with foreclosure signs 3. The house is made of candy 2. When they moved in, they were legally required to introduce themselves 1. It’s not Halloween

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theMQ.org

October 30, 2013

Area Man to Note All Errors in “Catching Fire” Movie

Student Responds “Maybe Later” to Eager Vendors on Library Walk

PHOTO BY GRACE KIM

Desperation reached new heights when student orgs began holding James-themed GBMs.

BY BRANDON EHLERT

A

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

“I can’t believe they left out the acknowledgments,” said Nunez.

BY KEVIN CHU

E

Content Editor

xpressing excitement for both the second “Hunger Games” film itself and his usual routine of pointing out plot differences between the film and its source material, San Diego resident Jerry Nunez reported that he “can’t wait to tear apart” the new “Catching Fire” movie.

Nunez, 23, has reportedly been eagerly anticipating loudly complaining about the movie’s assured deviations from the book it is based on since the announcement of the first “Hunger Games” movie.

“The first movie was so fun to watch — especially the parts where I got to yell at the screen for not being the same as the book,” Nunez remi-

nisced while watching “The Hunger Games” on DVD. “Like, when the genetically mutated hounds released at the end of the Games didn’t resemble Katniss and Peeta’s fallen competitors? Ooh, I really tore them a new one then.

“Also, the movie never clearly explains that the reason Katniss is so drawn to Rue is because Rue reminds her of her sister Primrose,” added Nunez, pushing up his glasses. “That’s such a crucial part to their relationship, and the movie just glosses over that.”

Nunez has also been following news about the film’s production and casting online, where he has already found and commented on several discrepancies between the Suzanne Collins novel and the upcoming film.

“Mags is definitely not old enough,” Nunez said in an interview. “In the book, on page 72, Collins clearly states that Mags is like 80 years old, and can barely walk, whereas on the poster, she’s standing like she doesn’t need that hunk of man Finnick to carry her around on his back. She’s probably even going to fight other tributes, which she does NOT do in the story.”

The “Hunger Games” series is not the first movie adaptation that Nunez has provided scathing commentary on. His past critiques include all eight movies in the “Harry Potter” series, “The Lovely Bones,” and “The Hobbit,” which he memorably referred to as “a pile of poop garbage compared to the Tolkien masterpiece it was based on.”

Nunez credits his talent

for movie-to-book comparisons to a time when he watched Disney’s “Cinderella” as a child after having read the Grimm’s Fairy Tale version and complained loudly to his father that there was “way less foot cutting off” than he would have liked to see.

“I loved the grim darkness of the fairy tale, and was so disappointed that Disney couldn’t carry that over into the movie,” Nunez commented. “It was like, come on, Walt, just because we’re kids doesn’t mean we can’t handle seeing a little blood pooling in the bottom of a glass slipper.”

At press time, Nunez was reportedly looking for a theater that had not banned him for talking loudly during movie showings.

Staff Writer

fter disinterested students began responding “maybe later” to the numerous vendors and club promoters on Library Walk, some clubs are at the brink of disaster or even shutting down, confused and short one person.

James Smith, a first year student from Muir College, explained his dilemma, explaining that if one replies “yes,” one is bombarded with reading material and pointless discussion. “No” makes one sound heartless. And “maybe” makes one sound “impish and noncommittal.” “After days of having to face the continual bombardment of offers and opportunities, I couldn’t take it,” he said with a slight upper-lip twitch. “But I wanted to maintain some pride and self-confidence, without hurting anyone’s feelings in the meantime.” So James started to reply “maybe later” to the screaming people. He explained that the statement implies that “you care about the subject, but that you just don’t have the time or capacity at that current moment to do anything about it.”

For the variety of clubs present on Library Walk, this proved to be a major setback.

Some clubs need a minimum number of participants to function properly. Intervarsity Christian, for example, needs at least the whole school. As for the case of the North Korean Refugee Club, they needed at least 30 to be an effective club.

When James replied “Maybe later,” it gave some clubs the impression that he would definitely participate, just not right this second. The North Korean Refugee Club explained that

James ticked off their 30th person, and as the week of rallying had been taxing, the club decided to close up shop.

When confronted on the issue, James answered, “This is a problem because I don’t actually plan on attending or participating in any of these clubs. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone feel unimportant.”

However, clubs everywhere are counting on James to show up at some point in the future.

“It could mean the difference between having 5,768,977 clubs on campus and having 5,768,976 clubs,” said Activities Coordinator and Club tally-er Janet Strong. When this was explained to James, he was unmoved, exclaiming, “This is ridiculous! It is their fault they have so many clubs and that the promoters are so pushy. SORRY I’M HUMAN AND I DON’T WANT TO DO EVERYTHING!” With clubs feeling the effects of this terse remark, they plan to make changes to the future of club rush. Nicole Salas, the director of the entire operation, explained that next year, “maybe later” will not be an acceptable response. “Next year will mark a big change in the history of club-rushing. Noncommittal answers like these will be banned altogether. Instead, people must give a definite commitment right at the moment of interaction. We hope to avoid confusing and detrimental situations like the ones James P. Smith has caused.”

Other suggestions currently on the table are to build a seventh “college” to house the promoters and club tables, a merger of the Christian clubs into one club, to be named ChristCorp™, and a club for people who don’t do anything.

TOP TEN

Little-Known Canadian Thanksgiving Traditions 10. Apologizing to your dinner before you eat it 9. Pardoning a moose 8. Filing into Wal-Mart nicely on Black Friday 7. Leaving a seat open for Queen Elizabeth 6. Being “okay” with the Canadian Football League game turnout 5. Thanking Wayne Gretzky 4. Telling your relatives how you have a totally real, American significant other 3. Gently pressed, instead of mashed, potatoes 2. Discussing politics with a smile and a laugh 1. Making fun of the way Americans don’t say “eh” all the time

THE MQ You look very nice today and you hold that paper with such confidence. Check us out.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge.

October 30, 2013

theMQ.org

Page 11

Researchers Unearth Rare Colony of Zune Users

UCSD Students Go to Meet the Beach, Recieve No Response

Maybe it needs to be “hi”gh tide.

BY BRANDON EHLERT

O PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

The researcher was forced to abandon his observation, as he couldn’t bear to listen to “This is Why I’m Hot” one more time.

BY HILARY MOREFIELD

I

Social Chair

n one of the most groundbreaking publications of the decade, a team of researchers from the American Sociological Association (ASA) released a study last Sunday revealing their findings on a rare commune of young working professionals who still depend on the Microsoft Zune as their sole source of portable musical entertainment to this day.

The 206-page analysis conducted by the ASA sociologists over a seven-month period examines all aspects of the day-to-day life of the

commune’s four residents and theorizes the potential reasons as to why the collective’s members voluntarily continue using the outdated and obviously inferior music playback device deemed “the tech industry’s biggest recorded flop in recent memory.”

This bizarre collective of four young, white, workingclass males in their mid-tolate twenties share a humble living space in a banal apartment complex in the Inland Empire. The apartment’s residents were documented performing frequent rituals such as “working from home,” “hanging out,” and “surfing the net.” The

commune’s solidarity and formation, however, seems to derive from the group’s genuine, undying faith in the innovative technological capabilities of the Zune.

Lead ethnographer Brett Lyons summarized the ASA’s findings in a research symposium on Tuesday: “Our main theory as to why the subjects still rely on those pointless pieces of crap is that they have had no exposure to the modern technological world outside of their own musicsharing sphere since 2008.”

“It’s simply the most solid MP3 player out on the market today,” expressed commune resident and Zune HD owner

Thomas Bernstein. “It fits perfectly in my back pocket and the easy on-the-go interface allows me to enjoy my favorite Toby Keith songs anywhere. I certainly couldn’t see myself going back to that chunky portable music player after giving the HD a whirl.”

The four roommates’ tolerance of a mobile music device without a fingerprint-based unlocking system and diverse selection of colors has shocked and astounded the entire public sphere. After the report’s release, journalists, researchers, and members of the interested public have begun flocking to the apartment to Instagram the fascinating figures.

NEWS IN BRIEF IN BRIEF EXTREME COUPON SCIENTISTS DISCOVER CAFÉ VENTANAS CHAMP BANNED FROM SOUL-CRUSHING VOTED SECOND-BEST LOCAL SUPERMARKET GLARE KEY TO AVOID- DINING HALL IN ERC ING PEOPLE Last Friday marked exIn a recent survey taken

treme couponing champion Marsha Briggs’ final victory lap down aisle four of the San Diego Clancy’s Supermarket after the market made a decision to ban Briggs from entering the premises. The market’s decision came after Briggs had an altercation with the Librarians Association, which was selling diet white wine spritzers outside Clancy’s to raise funds to discard their collection of over 2,500 “Harry Potter” paperback books.

Briggs allegedly attempted to redeem a coupon for two half-price spritzers, which the Librarians Association refused, stating the coupon expired years ago.

Briggs proceeded to adulterate the remaining supply of spritzers, adding sugar to the originally zero-calorie delights.

“This is the end of an era,” Briggs said as she struggled to navigate around the checkout counter with her carts full of coupons to exit the market. “What am I going to do with all this free time?

Maybe now is the time for me to finally start eating all the foodstuffs I’ve accrued after all these years. Tonight, I’m planning a wineand-dine with the cheddar singles that have aged in my basement for two decades.”

Sources reported that Briggs had two storage lockers full of untouched food that she had accrued in the month of October alone.

Clancy’s general manager Ted Overcoat felt otherwise.

“I’m glad she’s gone,” Overcoat said. “We spent so much time processing all her coupons that we have no food left on our shelves.”

Briggs’s final grocery store bill was $4.68 for a record 25 carts of pasta salad, which she says will last her until her physician “gives her the OK for dumpster diving.”

A recent study, conducted

by UCSD psychology professor Janice Rivers in response to accusations that “the neurology department is literally incapable of producing applicable research,” suggests that the use of a soul-crushing glare may be the most effective means of avoiding unwanted social interaction.

Inspired by the unique social dynamic present on UCSD’s own Library Walk, Rivers’ research has focused on the effects of what is being called the “death glare.”

Upon exposure to the glare, tested subjects reported feelings of unease and terror and claimed they “got really creeped out” before 84 percent of them demanded that the experiment be terminated. The other 16 percent reportedly developed “glazedover eyes” and “slowly sank onto the floor of the lab, unable to express themselves coherently.”

“It’s a very interesting psychological phenomenon,” Rivers said. “The combination of the dead eyes and the heartless, unflinching gaze prompts a fight-or-flight response in the subjects, whose desire to confront the experimenters is virtually eliminated within a few seconds.”

However, despite its promising results, Rivers’ research is still years from implementation due to difficulties in mitigating the potentially negative side effects of glare exposure, which include night terrors and the onset of vague, existential depression. In the meantime, “just kind of ignoring them” has been fielded as a viable alternative, with the qualification that it “can’t be that hard, c’mon, they’re just people, why are you crying, seriously?”

by Housing, Dining, and Hospitality Services, Café Ventanas, known in UCSD shorthand as Café V., was voted the second-best dining hall within Eleanor Roosevelt College. HDH commented that Café V. faced stiffer competition this year than ever before, from notable on-campus eateries such as The Village Market, the snack machine at the end of the ERC lawn, and “the ovens in the freshman halls, if you’re fast enough.”

In a surprise upset, “your roommate’s part of the fridge” failed to place in the survey after researchers cited overcrowding and constant roommate surveillance as reasons for the once-popular dining hall’s plummeting ratings.

The dining hall was commended for its “uniquely limp” noodles, its “clumpheavy soups” and the wet plopping sound effect that many of the meals make as they are dumped onto students’ plates.

However, Café V. ultimately lost out to nearby Goody’s Place and Market, the popular Thurgood Marshall College burrito, coffee, and sandwich store, as the best dining hall in ERC. Upper management from Café V. reported that the cafe felt “honored to have been placed so highly, especially considering the number of strong contenders,” in a press release issued this Sunday.

“We will continue to strive to be the best dining hall we can be, and one day, maybe we’ll finally take the title as the best dining hall in ERC,” the release continued.

“Until then, we will strive to uphold our standards of great service, decent food, and never enough of the good kind of yogurt in the parfait bar.”

OAKLAND DECLARES WAR ON DETROIT, RESCINDS SAME DAY Following the defeat of the Oakland Athletics by the Detroit Tigers in the American League Division Series, Oakland Mayor Jean Quan officially declared war on behalf of the city of Oakland on all of Detroit. Quan added that she would employ the Oakland Police Department, which showed its militaristic prowess during the 2011 Occupy Oakland movement, before she rescinded the declaration later the same day, in pity, after seeing the current state of the city of Detroit.

Oakland City Official Nathan Winter described the declaration of war as a sole result of the fact that “Detroit’s got Verlander as a pitcher, and he is crazy good.

Like, yeah, we have Colon, but he’s too inconsistent, and for some reason, they didn’t play Gray until Game 3, when he should have been starting since the beginning.

Otherwise, the A’s would have definitely destroyed them.”

Following the declaration, city officials visited Detroit and were accompanied by a unified force of Oakland gangs, but reconsidered their declaration of war upon actually entering the city of Detroit. José Rodriguez, Oakland gang member, noted feeling “bummed the fuck out” upon viewing Detroit, an idea Mayor Quan has adopted into her “Let’s Let Detroit Really Have it This Time” campaign.

“Honestly, have you been to Detroit?” Winter commented. “I thought Oakland had its problems, but I think we can all agree that we are much better off, and they kind of need that confidence boost.”

Quan gave the rescindment, confident that the Tigers are “never going to beat the Sox anyway, so whatever.”

Staff Writer

n Sunday, almost the entire UCSD campus flocked to the sand and surf of one of California’s beaches to formally greet the Pacific and the individual beaches it has to offer, but were appalled and disconcerted when the beach was unresponsive, leading to a myriad of emotions.

The anticipation building up to the event was noticeably strong, especially for out of state student Stanley Johnson from Scipio, Utah. “One of the major reasons I chose UC San Diego was because I had never seen the ocean before,” said Johnson, as a noticeable dark stain spread across his crotch.

“I am so excited to finally have a meet-and-greet with the creature that attracts so many to California.” Johnson’s sentiments were not unique, as the excitement was tangible throughout campus.

When the day finally arrived, the students sprinted to the beach with lightning speed, arms outstretched for “sandshakes, hugs, and maybe even other things.” Cries of “Nice to meet you,” “We love you,” and “What are your favorite hobbies?” could be heard, but to no avail. The students’ jubilant nature was, in an instant, quelled, as a great silence and shock fell. Only the crashing of the waves and the annoying laugh of a few nearby seagulls remained.

After all the anticipation and excitement, feelings of anger, despair, and shock filled the beach. Johnson, whose depression was among the most notable, said, “Well, this is a bummer,” a single tear rolling down his left cheek and another pair of pants close at hand.

In the shock and desolation that ensued, many students wondered why they even came to UC San Diego.

To a great many, the beaches were really the only thing to attract someone to this school,

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

and the realization that the beach was antisocial and unresponsive was too much for some to handle.

Scout Lamprey, a first year transfer in tears, explained his terrifying story. “Oh my God, like, I was kayaking in, right? And anyways, I was like ‘Wow, great,’ and then, woosh bam slammity, a wave came and knocked me over and out of the, like, boat! And I was like, ‘Ok?’ And I swear on my guinea pig’s life I could feel the ocean saying, like, ‘Hahaha. Lol. Don’t, like, ever come back here.’” Lamprey and his friends expressed their curiosity as to why the beach was acting so strangely, and as more and more people pointed out this strange phenomena, the curiosity built.

Lisa Whitacre, a leading oceanographer at Scripps Institute of Oceanography, provided the answer. She explained to the students that she had never before seen the beach in such an unresponsive state, but nevertheless that it is not uncommon for the beach to be unwelcoming and antisocial. “These days, the beaches feel they don’t need to be as interactive in person to beachgoers due to the significant rise in social media.

I think you will find that the beach’s Instagram account is filled with hilarious and funloving pictures (mostly taken at Black’s Beach). I’ve literally lol-ed at over three of his pictures!” She said to follow the beach, @hellyaitsmebeach, and enumerated this phenomenon as “Galifantachyphobia,” described as a situation in which the beach is more consumed with social media than it is with welcoming beachgoers as it has for centuries.

As UC San Diego students, as well as society in general, became increasingly antisocial and reliant on social media, so followed the beach. With next year’s Meet the Beach fast approaching, tensions continue to run high concerning next year’s meetup.

TOP TEN

Similarities between Last Year’s Halloween Costume and Your Mom 10. Smells like cheap gin and candy corn 9. Makes you wonder how much skin is too much 8. Got me thrown out of Toys R Us 7. Unaware of the concept of too much makeup 6. Still disappointed in you 5. A crop top and a happy trail 4. Your roommate usually has something similar 3. Somehow managed to pay for your college education 2. Locked in the attic for most of the year 1. Got me laid facebook.com/ucsdmq

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THE MQ’s

October 30, 2013

Guide to Transportation Cuts With Transportation Services speeding toward bankruptcy, UCSD is going to face some serious changes in the future. So before we leave students stranded at bus stops in long lines waiting for a shuttle to class (just kidding, we already do that, losers), here’s a handy guide to navigating the new transportation cuts, vehicles, and routes. Meep meep! Zoom!

Half-Bus: Now with double the fuel efficiency and maneuverability!

Flintstones Bus

Arriba/Nobel Bus

Cardboard Bus - Powered by Imagination Open-Air Longboard Bus