The MQ Volume 19 Issue 7 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

June 5, 2013

“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” — Mike Tyson

Have a great summer! Never change! Unless it’s the shitty parts of you.

Graduating Couple Certain Their Love Will Get Them Through Unemployment

Volume XIX Issue VII

IN THIS ISSUE CHEMISTRY GRAD REALLY GOOD AT DRAWING HEXAGONS

SECRET COOKIE SERVICE NOW SECRET QUICKIE SERVICE

LAW & ORDER: SUN GOD VICTIMS UNIT FRESHMAN STILL HAS THREE YEARS TO LEARN TO SURF DELAWARE ADVENTURE: FIRST STATE’S FIRST THEME PARK

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

When the single fluorescent light bulb hanging from the ceiling hits your eye, you won’t be able to pay for surgery because you don’t have health insurance, but also, that’s amore! MONICA BHIDE AND BRIAN DAMP

Managing Editor and Editor-in-Chief

wo weeks before moving in together, local couple and UCSD seniors Ryan Kemp and Annika Jacobson affirmed that what they lacked in full-time job offers they made up for in their undying love for one another.

Despite their knowledge that over half of recent college graduates in the U.S. are either unemployed or working at a job that doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree, Kemp and Jacobson remain confident that everything would work out for them. “I have no doubt that it’ll turn out all right. We have something essential in common: each other’s support,”

Kemp said. “And that ottoman we bought together at IKEA.” Kemp and Jacobson have vowed to support one another, even as they take jobs that relate only tangentially to their undergraduate studies — Jacobson, a computer science major, will apply as a greeter at the Apple Store and Kemp, a biochemistry major, as a junior bartender at Dave and Busters.

“He’s worried, but of course, they’ll give him great tips. Who could say ‘15 percent’ to a face like that?” Jacobson said of Kemp. “I mean, sure, maybe he’d have been bumped up a few more percentage points if he’d gone to the hair place I recommended.

See COUPLE, page 2

Old Man “Feels Storm a-Comin’ ”

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“This is merely divine punishment for the arrogance of man,” said Carruthers, discharging his weapon skyward. “The McRib should never have come back! It isn’t our place to play God!” BY JACK BEEGAN

Content Editor

ifetime Moore, Oklahoma resident 73-year-old Walter Carruthers recently reported a “feelin’ in [his] bones,” which he claimed was evidence that a “storm’s a comin’,” before going on to complain about the government and the most recent “Matlock” rerun. “We got a commie in the White House, and there’s somethin’ bad brewin’ just out yonder,” he said, gesturing past a broken fence. “And if I have to watch another god-damned infomercial before my program, I swear, I’ll jam on my wife’s Life Alert till those uppity ‘para-

medics’ or whatever they’re called come and I can give ‘em a piece of my mind.” The former merchant marine reserveman revealed that whenever his “knee’s all actin’ up,” he knows “somethin’ bad’s a-brewin’,” adding that he believed this particular knee-based sensation indicated that a tornado was headed toward his town. “It’s comin’, all right. You know, I’ll bet Obama knew about this. He was in town just the other day, probably schemin’ this whole thing up right under our noses,” Carruthers stated. Moore residents report that Carruthers has spent the

past 17 days on his dilapidated porch warning passersby of impending doom, indifferent to their beleaguered sensibilities. “I’m just going about my business, trying to fix the damage to my roof, and that old man just starts yelling at me about how ‘somethin’ bad’s just beyond the horizon,’” neighbor Jeanie Stinson said. “I don’t have time for this shit — I have a three-week-old hole in my roof the size of a cow.” “We still haven’t been able to get that smell out of my daughter’s room,” she added. Meteorologists, already under duress from the latest

catastrophe, are struggling to address the Hometown Buffet regular’s forecast of doom. “Not now. This is not the right time. Get the hell out of here. I have an actual job to do — what do you do? You just ask questions, questions that distract me from my work, which, I don’t know, might save some lives, asshole,” said one National Severe Storms Laboratory researcher, who threw a series of increasingly dangerous workplace projectiles in lieu of providing her name. Though some have written off Carruthers as a deranged drain on a city already under duress, others have shown more compassion. “Old man Carruthers — you know, I used to think of him as just some eccentric old dude, but I think at this point, he really needs help,” two-houses-over neighbor, little Stevie Bianca — who witnesses allege is “not so little anymore” — said. “To clarify, I’m not talking ‘help’ as in someone to check in and make sure he’s reading today’s paper and isn’t going to the abandoned Blockbuster building asking if that one guy finally returned ‘Hard Boiled.’ The guy needs legitimate, immediate medical attention,” he continued. Experts are still unsure of whether Carruthers remembers the tornado that ravaged the area in late May, leaving a statewide trail of destruction including the awning support beam that split in half and impaled Carruthers just between his upper and lower right leg, possibly resulting in his “knee all actin’ up” in the weeks following the storm.

TURKISH FACEBOOK TRIES SENSORY DEPRIVATION

SDSU STUDENTS TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD

Bachelorette party photos noticeably less incriminating.

“Too late,” say UCSD students.

6, 7 9 10

NEWS IN BRIEF ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH INTRODUCES PLUS-SIZE LINE: FLABBERCROMBIE Following backlash over comments made by Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Michael S. Jeffries about his company’s decision not to manufacture clothing for people who don’t have thigh gaps, Jeffries introduced a new line of clothes for people previously deemed unfit for his vision of the ideal human form. “Everyone should have a chance to feel fabulous and comfortable,” Jeffries stated. “Even if they aren’t exactly my brand’s target market of ‘cool’ and ‘beautiful.’ “Besides, these people

are buying a label called Flabbercrombie. Isn’t that humiliating?” he added. Flabbercrombie features similar fashions to Abercrombie’s other clothes, namely, striped tank tops, pastel shorts, and artfully torn jean shorts, but in “sizes that we had refused to acknowledge to exist.” Frequent Big and Tall customer Gary Garcia, 22, was pleased with the new Abercrombie summer line. “It’s great knowing that I can hate myself as much as other people who wear this brand,” he said.

MILLIONS OF CICADAS SWARM TO JENNY’S SWEET QUINCEAÑERA Following the recent announcement of Nashville cicada Jenny Rodriguez’s “Muy Muy Dulce Quinceañera,” millions of cicadas have begun to commute across the US to attend the anticipated celebration. This event will mark the fourth quinceañera for Jenny. “Quinceañeras are so fun,” gushed Rodriguez excitedly. “I think that means birthday, right? Admittedly, Tennessee does not provide the most cultured environment for delving into my Latin roots.” Sid Carmichael, a representative for the species, con-

firms that although 16 million members have answered “Going” on the online RSVP page, there are some of those who are still unaccounted for. “Yeah,” commented Sid. “Gary has to take his kid to that thing at his school ... apparently something involving a person who ‘SAT’ but I cannot confirm or deny that. He is kind of a flake but we will see.” Jenny’s parents, who have rented the local Elks Lodge as a venue for the event, have informed sources that they are concerned that they may not have bought a large enough cake for their guests.

C.S. MAJOR SEVERELY SUNBURNED AFTER 20-MINUTE JOURNEY OUTSIDE UCSD’s Thornton Hospital confirmed today that computer science major Dillon Sokorski was admitted to the hospital’s burn unit after suffering third degree sunburns while walking to York Hall from his Warren College apartment. Specialists assigned to Shokorski’s case theorized that the severity of his sunburns, despite the brevity of his journey outside, was likely due to the fact that he had spent most of the year in basement computer labs, only occasionally venturing to his apartment for food or sleep. Such a low amount of average sun exposure, combined with a nutrientpoor diet and a complexion his doctors described as “luminous,” made the

20-minute journey across campus equivalent to “a slow, 8-hour march across the Mojave desert” for a normal, healthy human. Sokorski’s case is not an isolated incident. Reports of what doctors at Thornton Hospital have termed “Computer Science Syndrome,” symptoms of which include sunburns, odd sleeping habits, and social skills that doctors can only describe as “pathetic,” have skyrocketed as enrollment in the major has increased. Indeed, the hospital’s newly opened Steven Wozniack Computer Science Ward filled up after just a week, prompting the department to designate the major as impacted in order to alleviate the hospital’s burden.

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June 5, 2013

Graduating Chemistry Major Getting Really Good Drawing Hexagons

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Dang man, look at all these totally bitchin’ shapes,” Devlin exclaimed. “Science!” BY CODY DONAHUE

Conscientious Objector

enior chemistry major Tyler Devlin reported Monday that he’s “really getting the hang of this hexagon thing,” as he worked on an organic chemistry lab report. “The things I’ve learned to do with a pen are beautiful,” he said. “Sometimes, you have to step back and say, ‘Is this science, or is this art?’” “I really hope it’s science, though,” he added. “Like, from a job-getting, respecthaving sort of perspective.” When asked further about job prospects, Devlin remained vague. “I’ll probably go into academia, where my hexagons will only get sloppier over time. Or else I’ll go into industry, where I’ll stop caring about scientific integrity and just draw them as circles.” He looked down at his notebook and smiled. “It makes all of this seem like a big waste of time, doesn’t it?” Roommate Carlos Tang,

who does paid research in an undergraduate lab, expressed concern that Devlin was focused on the wrong aspects of his degree. “What I do requires a firm understanding of chemical principles,” he said. “I ask myself difficult questions every day. For instance, what am I supposed to use to move this liquid to that container?” “You might think the answer is ‘my bare hands, kind of cupped together so the acid won’t spill out,’ but it’s not,” he added. Devlin’s parents just wish that he had studied harder and maybe gotten a few internships, instead of wasting all of his time drawing hexagons and writing for a stupid satire newspaper. But Devlin maintains that he’s not worried about his financial future, and in fact has already received a number of job offers. “They’re really just piling in. I almost took this great job drawing stop signs,” he said, “but that fell through when I found out

they have two extra points. So what I’m trying to say is, I’m doing pretty well financially right now.” He then added, “Ooh, a quarter,” retrieving what soon turned out to be a metal washer from between the cushions of his car’s driver seat. He then further added, “Oh, never mind.” Other opportunities offered to Devlin included inspecting Chinese checker boards, freelance artisan stencil making, and an unpaid internship as a junior assistant to the undergrad who washes glassware in the O’Connor lab. “I would have taken the last one, but I’m really holding out for Whitesell,” Devlin said. “He’s married to ex-Chancellor Fox, and I’d just love to try and execute a backside SN1 reaction with them, if you know what I mean.” “Actually, I’m not entirely sure what I mean,” he continued.

If a career in chemistry doesn’t work out, Devlin has considered teaching. “I really wish that someone had taken me aside in preschool and told me how important shapes would be in my future career,” he said. “These kids, they think they’ll never have to draw hexagons again. Well guess what, children. Organic chemistry is coming.” Devlin graduates in two weeks, and in the event that he doesn’t immediately secure full-time employment, he says he understands the importance of keeping his skills sharp. “They really drill it into you in the lower-div classes [Hexagons 10a and 10b, required for all freshman chemistry majors], but just to be safe, I draw 10 hexagons as soon as I wake up every morning,” he said. “So I can pretty much do it on command now — not to brag,” he continued before slowly drawing a seven-sided polygon on a piece of paper. “See?”

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Couple

“But that’s in the past, sweetie,” she continued, watching Kemp look away from her and furrow his brow. “Anyway, that haircut doesn’t make your nose look as big as I’d thought it would. The best thing about hair is that it grows, right?” she added. Kemp emphasized that the couple’s relationship was anything but one-sided, noting that he had helped Jacobson through financial difficulties by looking for job openings for her and suggesting ways she could save money, like by cutting back on “useless crap like birth control.” “After all, that pack of pills costs $30 a month, but you can get 12-pack of condoms at the 99 Cents Only Store!” Kemp said. “They’re right there next to the 99-cent pregnancy tests.” In addition to helping one another through personal issues, Kemp and Jacobson stated their intent to stick together as money becomes tight. “We already share a bed, a DVD collection, and a dishware set,” Jacobson said. “If we don’t find jobs by July, we’ll just have to do a little more sharing to make ends meet. We’ll split everything. Lean Cuisines for dinner! Our roommate’s shampoo and soap! A relation-

ship counselor!” The couple also mentioned their belief that unemployment could even strengthen their relationship. “I’ll be honest, I was worried that not having any attainable goals after graduation would lead us to resent one another,” Jacobson said. “But now that I’ve thought about it a lot — now that I’ve come to accept we’re sticking together through thick and thin, no matter what, now that it’s too late to turn back — I’ve realized that we’ll have more time than ever before to perfect our relationship!” “I think this will do wonders for those communication issues we were having,” Kemp added. “We’re sharing a one-room apartment — now that privacy’s completely out the window, Annika’s fear that I keep secrets from her will be totally resolved.” Despite being overconfident, underqualified, and unable to complete a 500word article together without threatening to break up, Kemp and Jacobson both say they are comforted by the fact that, if absolutely nothing else, at least they have each other’s love. And that is something the banks cannot take away from them during the inevitable foreclosure.

TOP TEN

Signs You Accidentally Crossed the Border into Japan 10. Your last purchase just contributed to the third highest nominal GDP worldwide 9. People seem to make a really big deal about red circles 8. Trains aren’t just for lonely old people 7. Far superior culture and entertainment, baka gaijin 6. Vending machine got you a Coke and also found you love on the internet 5. Game shows less lame 4. Postmodern backwards comic book plots 3. Baseball slightly more popular 2. Anti-immigrant rhetoric no longer in English 1. You’re all wet

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Managing Editor............................. Jessi Carr Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Associate Content Editor................Kevin Chu Associate Content Editor..........Allie Kiekhofer Design Editor.........................Elizabeth O’Neil Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor...............Sora Chee

Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan Assistant Copy Editor.............Andrew Deneris Business Editor..........................Wesley Chan Web Editor......................................Ben Steen Assistant Web Editor..................Connor Brew Distribution Captain.......................Avi Kabani Social Chair.................................Trev Malone MQ Deadbeat Stepdad....................Zac Hann Foreign Correspondent...........Josh Malkinson Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Brianna Blumenthal Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Jessi Carr Garret Chan Hillary Chan Wesley Chan

Sora Chee Rosa Cho Kevin Chu Brian Damp Janine Davis Angelique DeCastro Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Dylan Everingham Jeffery Filice

Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist Zac Hann Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Trev Malone Hilary Morefield Adil Mistry

Audrey Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Jeric Pereda Devin Ratelle Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Kyle Somers Ben Steen Cole Steffensen Howard Wang

The MQ. Brought to you by Aquapax®. Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. Next year. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. So here we are. At the bottom of this page. At the end of this year. And what a year it’s been! Since this is my last ed note, I got to get the sentimental stuff over with. I can say without a doubt that some of the finest people I’ve ever met are in the MQ. I am immensely proud of every member of staff for all the hard work they did this year, and I was honored to lead them. I’d like to thank everyone individually, but there would never be enough room. Instead, I’ll highlight a few MVPs of this issue. Elizabeth was the best I’ve seen her thusfar. Sora made more than half the graphics in the paper. Seriously? That’s ludicrous. Allie will be a great EIC next year. I have complete confidence in her. Farewell to all MQers and students who are graduating. I’ll never forget all the fun we’ve had over the years. Especially those nights we can’t remember. I wish you all the best. To the staff who are continuing on next year, I just want to tell you all good luck. We’re all counting on you.

Booster Club Thanks to Cole for bringing us every kind of cookie; thanks to Andrew for effectively guaranteeing himself a dining dollars-less fast that’ll last him through finals week. Thanks Brian and Monica for the birthday cupcakes and everyone else for the birthday singing that almost induced tears; Jessi for macarons, and Garrett for shortbread cookies -- they made production very fancy. Thanks to Elizabeth for the Honey Nut Cheerios; they were delicious (but no match for the plain ketchup I found in the mini fridge). You guys are the boostiest.

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June 5, 2013

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Sun God Festivities Marred by Aztec Celebration

POINT

I Can’t Wait to Hang Out with You This Summer BY SCOTT PHAN

Sun God says: “Begin slitting at the abdomen, slice through the diaphragm, and remove the beating heart.” BY HILLARY CHAN

Staff Writer

n response to the lukewarm atmosphere preceding UCSD’s May 17 Sun God Festival, Associated Students Concerts and Events held an Aztec-inspired sacrificial ceremony, which took an unfortunate turn when it resulted in the death of freshman Lauren Ballance. The ceremony, emceed by rapper Danny Brown following his main stage set, was performed in honor of the official festival deity, the Aztec sun god Huitzilopochtli, who, not recognizing any of the artists on the lineup, threatened to end festivities if not provided with the blood of a “first-year volunteer from the audience,” according to an anonymous spiritual medium. The sacrifice itself occurred roughly halfway through the festivities, timed by ASCE to run its course just before the consumption of

the last few drops of smuggled alcohol and final combustion of cannabinoid resin before festivalgoers retreated to the safety of the surrounding area for further intoxication. Once on stage, Ballance, already wearing the traditional Aztec ceremonial attire, described the honor as “once in a lifetime,” then proceeded to seize up before finally prostrating herself on the sacrificial altar, seemingly at peace with her rapidly approaching demise. Following the University’s violent tribute to the Patrondeity of the Mexica tribe, students ran from the Sun God stage, trampling countless sticks of half-eaten, deepfried pseudo-ethnic food in the process. “It all happened so quick,” front-row bystander Jenny Wurster explained. “One moment my friends and I were standing there, complimenting each other on our match-

ing floral brass knuckles and distressed designer jean fanny packs, then all of a sudden we see Danny Brown literally holding this girl’s bleeding heart.” “Talk about a performer,” she added. Student consensus appeared to be that the sacrificial ceremony, originally intended to heighten the festival’s decidedly lackluster mood, ultimately proved to be a “real vibe-killer,” one that university administrators gave students “no other choice but to acquiesce to the all-powerful hummingbird Aztec deity.” “[Sun God] made threats to destroy our rice-cookers if we failed to meet his demands for a human offering,” ASCE Media Liaison Ralph McCaughan replied. “AS, well, we hide it well, but we’re strapped for cash. We depend on those rice-cookers for a majority of our revenue, which we get from our bi-dai-

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

ly spam musubi sales.” Some commentators believe Ballance’s childhood best friend and fellow freshman Becky Nastanovich is riding the coattails of tragedy. “Things weren’t supposed to end like this,” Nastanovich cried. “We planned on partying down at the local Denny’s for our first post-Sun God get-together. She even RSVP’d on Facebook so I could make sure I’d have someone to split a dish with me. Who am I supposed to share my All-American Grand Slam with now? “Those things contain 876% of my daily fat intake,” she went on to state. Meanwhile, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, sporting his finest “Hawaiian” shirt for the festivities, remained unfazed; declining to comment on the incident, he contented himself with a sip from a gold-plated flask engraved with the Aztec sun stone, blood-red fluid dripping down his mustache in the process.

Graduating Senior Embarrassed to Ask What PB Stands For

Eager Beaver

ey, Andrew. It’s me, Scott. How’s UCLA? I can’t wait to be done either; we’re going to have such a great summer together. I can’t believe another year of college has gone by. I haven’t seen you since winter break. Yeah, that was a great Christmas party, wasn’t it? I love that everyone got so awkward when Jeremy asked if he could bring booze, ‘cause it’s like, “Wow, I remember when you acted like drinking anything alcoholic would kill you.” But look at him now! Yeah, who’d have thought he’d be such a — oh, he’s laying off for a while? That’s good, that’s good. I’m glad he got help. And, yeah, we all have those awkward hook-up stories we kind of want to tell. I mean, look at how smug Jennifer Chow was about it when she started talking about her boyfriend. But then I realized that we were at the same dining table where I had ice cream cake on her eighth birthday (and also when I got my first crush). Shut up, I did tell you about that. You just forgot. So what if she’s your cousin? You’re so sensitive about everything.

Anyways, I have so much stuff I want to tell you about! Light-painting and late-night burritos and Sun God! Oh, you got a job? That’s wonderful, where? Genentech internship—paid internship— wait, how much? Oh, that’s awesome. I made that much an hour once in a psychological study for lefties. And we’ll go to Ocean Beach like we used to. You can bring your guitar. Ha ha, Andrew, I won’t threaten to break it anymore; just don’t make me learn the chords to “Strawberry Swing.” Oh, we should try to go to Summerthing. Yeah, I did go with you last summer, but you were with your girlfriend the whole time! It’s all right, you’re — back together? Oh. Well, congratulations. Glad that worked out. I still can’t wait to see you — yes, both of you! It’ll be great.

COUNTERPOINT

Screw You.

BY SCOTT PHAN

Moping Muskrat ey, Andrew, just leaving another voicemail. Well, it’s the middle of July. I thought that we would at least do something for Independence Day, you know, like a small barbecue or beach day. I know Jillian has that internship thing and she didn’t want to take a day off, because she’s “designing high-density affordable housing.” Really, Jillian? You volunteer at your father’s architectural firm. It’s not an internship. You can show up at 9:30, play Candy Crush for two hours, doodle on AutoCad, and go home in time to catch “Ellen.” She could’ve easily taken the day off and gone to the beach with me. And Andrew, I know you have, like, ground-breaking research that will definitely cure Hodgkin’s lymphoma before Labor Day, but you couldn’t even spend an afternoon with me? OK, that was mean. Maybe I just won’t come home next summer. I could be at school

right now, taking a math GE, and not dreading the next time I see you. I know you will try to quote “Lost” at me. And then you’ll do that thing with your eyebrows, like, “I know you know this one,” but I really don’t. This is why I couldn’t spend more than 10 minutes with you in a one-onone conversation: we always eventually ended up on the same topic; it was like Wikipedia and Hitler. So, no, I don’t want to see you this summer and re-watch season 3. It’s pointless. I’m sorry, I take that back. Please call me when you get this.

TOP TEN

Free Fathers’ Day Gifts

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“I’ve passed out in a Tijuana whorehouse before, but this is just humiliating,” said Templeman upon waking up in a Pottery Barn. BY TREV MALONE

Social Editor istory major Randy Templeman faces his graduation this June having not yet reached his goal to determine the origin of the acronym “PB.” Templeman states that although he has heard the acronym used frequently throughout his time at UCSD, he has yet to decipher its meaning. “I just can’t pinpoint what it is and I certainly don’t want to come across as the loser who doesn’t know what it means,” explained Templeman. “From what I have gathered it is a locale with an abundance of bars, and the number 30 definitely has

something to do with it.” Although he has never actually left campus or utilized San Diego public transportation aside from shuttles to the airport, Templeman declares that he has still managed to gather some additional information surrounding the mysterious PB. “Apparently there is an establishment built around the trade of American Bison but I cannot fully confirm that at this time; I obviously need to do more research,” Templeman describes. Past these few clues surrounding the acronyms’ meaning, Templeman has had some strides in his investigation, announcing last quarter that although he

was unable to pass a majority of his enrolled courses, he had successfully dismissed houseware chain Pottery Barn as a possible meaning. Templeman commented that although he has not visited one of the local stores, research into the company’s website has confirmed his suspicions. “I saw no large grazing mammals and none of the patrons pictured looked to have any level of inebriation,” commented Templeman. “There was also no evidence of any homeless people having entered a store or frequently loitering outside any of the establishments pictured. Maybe they had them covered under their

98% Chico’s wardrobes and Posh Spice haircuts but from what I saw none of them had any tattoos or gauges either. These were all red flags for me.” Templeman is keeping an optimistic attitude in the face of his daunting investigation and although he is fairly positive “PB” is a location, he states that he isn’t ruling out other options. “The element Lead seems promising but only time will tell,” speculated Templeman, “That show Prison Break is really good but I don’t think that is what everyone is talking about either. If those suspicions are wrong, I am keeping a package of jelly on my person at all times.”

10. Sizzler coupon 9. A song you composed titled, “May I Move Back In?” 8. Winning your goddamn soccer game. Stop crying and get it together, you’re seven, not three 7. An entire hour of complaint-free Bob Seger retrospective listening on classic rock radio 6. A 2.2 GPA 5. The naked photos of your mom that she texted to her lover 4. Registration for AARP 3. Unblocking him from Facebook for one day 2. A link to a free and safe secret to enlarging his manhood in three weeks 1. A dad-ship bracelet (umbilical cord)

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June 5, 2013

Secret Cookie Service Faces Bankruptcy,

Spring Ramen Crop Failure Leads to Massive College Student Die Off

Introduces Secret Quickie Service

PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS

The following plane that dropped boiling water was not as wellreceived. BY MARISSA RUXIN Staff Writer

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE WITH THANKS TO THE SECRET COOKIE AGENTS

“We’ll make you ‘cookies n’ cream’,” the Secret Cookie Service agents said, winking. “And then we’ll make you come.” BY BRIAN DAMP

Editor-in-Chief

fter their initial publicity wave through social media subsided, the UCSD alumni and entrepreneurs behind The Secret Cookie Service have found themselves bankrupt, owing over $75,000, and unable to repay debt collectors with glutenfree orange zest and white chocolate chip cookies in lieu of actual U.S. currency. “Mom’s old cookie recipes just weren’t bringing in the dough anymore,” Secret Cookie Service CEO Agent Snickerdoodle admitted tearfully, shoving a sizable handful of chocolate chips into his mouth. “And it probably wasn’t wise to spend nearly all of our profits on my dream to amass the world’s largest collection of Beanie Babies instead of saving up for repairs to our company

Easy-Bake Oven.” Following the damages done by internal corruption and reduced customer interest, Secret Cookie Service executives met to try to find a way to diversify its services. “We asked ourselves, ‘What is it people are really looking for in a study break?’ Cookies? Milk? No. Obviously, that wasn’t working anymore. What, then? And finally, it hit us. People want Distraction. With a capital D, if you know what I mean. That’s the real midnight craving. “Dick! I’m talking about sex. People want to have sex!” Snickerdoodle said with a giddy smile and claspedtogether hands. After an uncomfortably long pause, he continued: “We developed the novel idea of exchanging sexual favors for money. And thus was born the Secret Quickie Service. It’s the

world’s newest profession!” Agent Snickerdoodle reported that the transition in their business operation has gone smoothly. “We wanted to keep the business model mostly the same to preserve the same secret-agent-cool feel we originally had,” he said. “We’ve kept the suits, the sunglasses, and the brown paper bags in the briefcase. Only now, our paper bags don’t contain cookies. We put those on the uggos.” Secret Cookie Service has also adapted the secret code ordering method used with cookies to accommodate sexual requests. “People loved texting us codes like ‘4 cnc + 2 cc + 2 mm + milk,’” Snickerdoodle said. “Well, now, we have a new set of options! BJ is code for blowjob. HC means handcuffs. SMWARS + CMADDWMRW + WITSCTP means ‘spank me with a rusty spatu-

la and call me a dirty doggie while my roommates watch and wonder if they should call the police.’ “We’re having a special on that one tonight,” he added, winking. Snickerdoodle insisted that the Secret Quickie Service differs from prostitution, which is a crime in the state of California. “A crime? Well I mean, yeah, I suppose one could argue that selling sexual services is illegal, but the law is so fuzzy, you know?” Snickerdoodle said. “And plus, why are you asking me? I’m not a law student. I study chemistry.” After a short pause, he continued: “Wait, no, I don’t. I dropped out to bake cookies. And then I stopped doing that and became a prostitute. “Come to think of it, I should probably update my LinkedIn page.”

Coffee-Fueled Pre-Med Student Diagnoses Self with Pregnancy or Diabetes BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

ast week, fourth-year biochemistry major and BILD teaching assistant Anirudh Patel announced he had diagnosed his own symptoms of frequent urination, fatigue, and hallucination of his parents’ disappointment in him, appearing to slightly impress his 8:00 a.m. discussion section, if only momentarily. Having learned the telltale signs of numerous diseases over the course of his academic career with WebMD for verification, of course, he narrowed the possibilities down to pregnancy or type II diabetes mellitus. Having started studying for his upcoming finals midway through the past quarter, Patel has had time to hone his knowledge of class material. Given his perfection of the material, Patel has set up a diagnostic clinic on the sixth floor of Geisel Library to make a little money on the side treating caffeine jitters, Adderall overdoses, and spiking rates of dying grandmothers. “I can’t say I’m surprised with my diagnosis: I’m on a fast track to Harvard Medical School; there’s really no possibility I could be overlooking something fundamental when considering incidence of the conditions,” Patel remarked. “If only there were some way I could rule out either pregnancy or diabetes.” He noted that while he had not had sexual contact for over 21 years, cases of immaculate conception dating back approximately 2013

issin Foods announced Tuesday that it would discontinue exports of its Top Ramen dehydrated noodle crop due to accidental hydration after unexpected spring showers. The crop failure led to the destruction of most of the crops in the fields of the Gobi Desert, Nissin’s main source of ramen noodles. The discovery follows months of speculation with regard to the cause of the crop failure, which was initially attributed to a species that defecated on the crop called Colioptera ramenus (more commonly known as the Shin Ramyun Beetle). “Although we at first perceived C. ramenus as a threat, it was declared harmless once we discovered that its feces — which we suspected would damage the crop with their high sodium levels — were molecularly equivalent to Top Ramen’s Spicy Chicken Powder,” UC Davis entomology professor Dr. Gabriel Runkin said as he watched a beetle crawl across and then defecate on his desk. “No really, try it!” he continued, scooping up the feces with his index finger and licking them off. “Mmm … fresh artificial poultry.” Runkin’s early research was disproved after a field observation and taste test revealed that the ramen had died after it was prematurely cooked during unexpected spring rains in the usually arid Gobi Desert. The crop failure coincides with 214 student deaths that have occurred on college campuses across the U.S. in recent weeks. The deaths have been attributed to a “cup-o-noodle deficiency,” symptoms of which include dangerously moderate sodium levels and an uncontrollable urge to buy

a Prius. Universities, in an attempt to curb casualty rates, have announced complimentary injections of chicken flavor powder for students to alleviate symptoms. Once Nissin announced the product shortage, college students flocked to buy up all of the remaining ramen. UCSD student Tom Henry, president of Students for Sustainable Foods, stated the importance of combating the negative repercussions of the shortage and of ensuring that a crop failure did not occur in the future. “Ramen is one of the great sustainable staple crops in today’s society — it keeps in a pantry better than the majority of crops,” Henry said. “We’ve already suffered a loss with the discontinuation of Twinkies, so we at Students for Sustainable Foods want to make sure this pattern doesn’t continue, and that sustainable foods — and student health — are protected.” Henry also planned an event in conjunction with Students for Sustainable Foods to combat the negative effects of the shortage. The event, called Ramen Run, consisted of trips to roughly 25 San Diego area grocery and convenience stores in the span of two days to purchase all of the ramen still in stock. “We’re proud to say that we used our funding to buy an aggregate two tons of ramen,” Henry said. “The only problem was, I didn’t have enough room to store it in my apartment — so I tossed my furniture and made ramen furniture instead.” Henry’s roommate, Eric Marks commented on their living situation. “The new furniture is kind of hard, but at least we’ll have enough ramen to last us a few months,” Marks said. “Though maybe not enough furniture.”

TOP TEN

Ways to Deal with a Suprise Penguin Infestation PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

If only he’d studied harder, this unsuspecting student would have realized that he’s damning his unborn child to a one-footed existence. years have been well-documented. Diabetes, on the other hand, Patel claims, is a ploy by “Big Exercise” to get fat people to buy gym memberships. “If he really is pregnant, I don’t know if he would be able to afford raising a child by himself,” Patel’s friend Benjamin Chang lamented. “After all, even on a purely medical basis, single motherhood is one of the longest-suffering demographics out there.” Patel first began noticing his symptoms when he began ramping up his caffeine consumption to finish his

11th re-read of an endocrinology textbook. By the time he finished, he was consuming a Red Bull energy drink after every chapter. “You’d be surprised as to how much sugar there is in an energy drink. Then consider how much that would build up consuming them hourly every day,” Patel said. “It’s not like that would cause diabetes though, only obesity does.” Taking his word for it, medical experts throughout the country remain at a loss to explain Patel’s conclusions. The United States surgeon general was reportedly so as-

tounded by both Patel and the medical community’s blind acquiescence to the findings of an inexperienced stimulant addict that she resigned her position as a result. “What Mr. Patel has diagnosed himself with is beyond the scope of medical possibility and, I mean, come on, people,” the now former surgeon general Regina Benjamin stated. “What they are teaching at the University of California, San Diego is either light-years ahead of current medical understanding or simply conducive to mental collapse and psychosis.”

10. Get a hammer. I’ll bet a hammer could do some real damage to a penguin 9. You can just kind of trample them 8. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET THEM ORGANIZE 7. Call the California National Guard at (916) 854-3000 6. Find the biggest, meanest looking penguin and kick its ass on the first day 5. If it lasts more than four hours, consult a doctor 4. Open a zoo and charge admission 3. Skin them and sell their pelts as suits 2. Think to yourself: What would Zooey Deschanel do? 1. Surprise seal infestation

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Student Studying for History Final Receives Ph.D. in French Politics from University of Wikipedia

Study Finds Semester System Students Already Having Summer Fun Without You

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

At least they’re not wasting their time vandalizing our school. PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Ceci n’est pas une quiche,” Kerr proudly proclaimed. BY JESSI CARR

Managing Editor

his past weekend, UCSD senior Jacki Kerr earned a doctor of philosophy in modern French politics following a three-day-long sidetracked search on information for her HIEU 128 final paper, which took her through approximately 73 Wikipedia links regarding the social situation in French suburbs, 19 YouTube videos, and five pages on a photography forum on images of low-income housing and subsequent discussion. Kerr, whose prior work in the field includes reading the blurb about banlieues in her ninth-grade French textbook, falling asleep for only 15 minutes of the award-winning 1995 film “La Haine,” and dating a guy who said he was from Paris for two week and three days, said that completing her dissertation

— even if unintentionally — was no simple task. “It started sometime Friday evening, when I wanted to research the effects of the postwar economic boom in Western Europe and the subsequent housing shortage as a possible topic for my paper,” she explained in a keynote speech she gave at her department’s graduation ceremony, “and it just kind of snowballed from there. Next thing I knew, I had 10, 15 tabs open, and I couldn’t stop. And here I am, a few ‘open in new tabs’ later, at the forefront of scholarly research in my field of study.” Her dissertation, which was published over two platforms — Kerr’s Twitter account and a Facebook message thread with unfortunate friend Annie, who asked Kerr a tangential question about the topic — covers a variety of topics relating to the issue of income inequality in the

Staff Writer

neighborhoods bordering Paris proper. Pieces of Kerr’s analytical commentary have already been described as “groundbreaking” by experts in the field and include, “I’ve read 20-23 pages on Wikipedia so far about the French suburbs and I’m learning a shit ton, guys,” “Bored n hungry … hmu,” and “Idk all that much about the best ways for areas to fix things like that … cause French bureaucracy is still confusing after like nine pages on that but I really think that they should try to improve the living conditions that a lot of these people live in.” Kerr conducted the final stage of her research by reading a page on Clichy-sousBois, one of the hardest-hit suburbs, due largely to staggering unemployment rates among the youth and a lack of public transportation servicing the low-income area.

She then concluded work on her dissertation, closing the three Google Chrome windows that had accumulated her web pages of interest and soon realizing she had made no progress on her original paper. Despite reaching what some scholars have claimed will be the pinnacle of her academic career, Kerr claims she has no intent to conclude her research any time soon. “I’m actually hoping to get a master’s in neurology next weekend, because I’m going to be doing some minor research for a writing project where a character suffers from a stroke,” Kerr explained. “And then, you know, graduating with my bachelor’s in writing a few weeks after that. But now that I think about it, from those four years of college classes, did I even learn anything?”

College Students Adopt Waitress as Mother after Heartwarming Korean BBQ Experience

“Julie, can you change our table’s grill?” Smart asked. “Also, my diaper.” BY KEVIN CHU AND ZAC HANN

One by-the-rules cop and one cowboy cop

fter a fulfilling meal at a local Korean barbecue restaurant, several male university students have decided that their waitress, Julie, will be their newly-adopted mother. Additionally, the students announced plans to move in with Julie upon completion of their college degrees, citing the newlyformed “deep connection” between themselves and the 41-year-old Sarang Church of San Diego member. Last Sunday, the students had been celebrating the last day in a weekend-long “meatstravaganza” at the restaurant, which specializes in all-you-can-eat plates of Korean-style meat dishes

customers cook themselves at the table. They described Julie’s service as “maternal and warm,” and by the end of the two-and-a-half-hour meal, had decided she was their “soul mother,” further stating that their lives would not be the same without her. “She, like, came over when we were struggling with distributing some sort of flat marinated beef slices and helped us cut them with scissors,” recalls Alex Smart. “We didn’t even notice the scissors were there! She’s so smart and practical.” According to sources at the restaurant, Julie frequently stopped by the students’ table to help them prepare their food and click her tongue disapprovingly at them for not doing it correctly in the first place. “We ordered some particularly spicy pork flank, and

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM

Julie brought us some cool water just when we needed it,” said Karl Chen, one of the students. “She really cares. I don’t know how she knew; we obviously have something special.” Many believe Julie’s efforts to ensure a pleasant dining experience proved nothing short of valiant, with graduating senior Zeke Hanover going so far as to claim, “Julie saved my life!” When Hanover couldn’t tell if the table’s order of chicken bulgogi was ready and decided to test a piece, Julie rushed over and shouted “Not done yet!” promptly slapping the tongs out of Hanover’s hand. “I could have gotten Salmonella,” said Hanover. “I wouldn’t be here today if not for Julie. But you know, I think she needs me as much as I need her.”

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

After a few seconds’ thought, he continued, “No, actually I guess that’s not true.” “I really felt connected to her when I started speaking to her in Korean — well, at least with the few words I learned from living with my Korean friend Jason for a week while my parents took their second honeymoon to Tahiti,” reported Sean Hamilton. “I made her laugh, but it felt like she was laughing with me, you know? “Pointing and laughing with me and her coworkers who thought I was funny too.” Hamilton added. At press time, Julie was rushing off to attend to another group of universityaged students at the restaurant to prevent them from a searing themselves on a hot grill.

esults of a recent research study conducted by UCSD students studying cognitive science indicate that an overwhelming majority of American higher education students studying at institutions employing the semester system are “already having a totally rad time, man,” and that it “sucks to be you.” Since early May, the population of semester-system college students at beaches, amusement parks and other “fun, awesome” places has increased exponentially. Yet, in a statistic the student researchers, in their report, call “pretty effing lame,” students at institutions with the quarter system of classes are severely underrepresented, with a 2 percent showing (and, if dead bodies are removed from statistics, a zero percent showing). While those students who are already experiencing the “incredible wonder” of summer were found, on average, not to mind that they had the best places to hang out all to themselves, 96 percent of quarter system students polled felt otherwise about the situation, answering that they “strongly agreed” with the statement “my life is now wracked with the persistent pain of a bleak, cyclical purgatory with only momentary and ultimately disheartening respite.” Though students enrolled in the otherwise widely praised quarter system must endure an additional month before they are released for summer vacation, statisticians did note in their report that the weeks spent in school now seem to be subtracted from the beginning of the upcoming academic year. The report concludes that although students may be locked in what it describes as “a nightmarish struggle against the inevitable doom of finals” now, the ones who avoid the common ailments of caffeine addiction and chronic insomnia have an “action-packed early September” in store for them. “So there is a tradeoff,” student researcher and pro-

ject leader Adam Irkner said. “While semester system students may look forward only to such activities as hiking, sunbathing, and surfing, common summer break diversions for quarter system students include enjoying the fall weather, catching Staples’ school supply sales before afternoon crowds hit, watching Netflix, masturbating, and the everpopular brooding on the purpose of one’s existence while desperately waiting for school to begin.” According to the researchers, though, all this is old news. “The mechanisms by which universities monopolize their students’ lives have been well understood by academia for generations,” Irkner said, adding that the primary aim of this survey was to research the social implications what the report terms a “dickery” and expose some of the nuanced ways by which the effects of a school schedule can “completely ruin one’s life.” One ground breaking section of the report includes new, conclusive evidence supporting the fact that by time quarter system students arrive home for break, semester system students are “already burned out on the whole summer thing,” both literally, in the form of a marijuana cigarette, and figuratively. Because semester students are bored and tired, the report argues, those in the quarter system have fewer friends than usual to hang out with. This legitimacy of this claim has been contested by some scholars, who question whether quarter system students had any friends in the first place. The report offers remedies to this problem, including the “fourteenths system,” — already popular among bureaucratic school officials — and the complete abolition of higher education. Despite the success of the study and the attention it has received in scholarly fields, Irkner says he does not have plans to conduct another survey in the near future. “Oh God, no,” Irkner said. “It’s nearly break. If I had gotten out one month earlier, I would never have done this one in the first place.”

TOP TEN

Rejected Farmer’s Market Stands 10. Assorted Nut Waters 9. Fresh Honey (with the bees still in it!) 8. Agent Orange Julius 7. Fresh Mechanically Separated Meats 6. Affordable Food Stand 5. Cattle Corn 4. Bearded Dudes With Vans 3. Unreasonably Large Hot Dogs 2. Quinone and Quintwo 1. Just Kale

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In the publicly fun temâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s criminal jusded university sysalcohol-sodden fe tice system, large, challenge to inv stivals pose a unique versity of Califoestigators. At the Uniburden of inves rnia, San Diego, the tigating crimes cur during Sun that ocsquad of unde God falls to an elite tives. They ar rcover student detece e Sun God Unit, and thth is is their stoVrictims y.

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Taste Tested: not victimâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

June 5, 2013

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Pretty flower!

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June 5, 2013

Career Services Center

Really Hoping Obama Does Something about Jobs

Biden Scores Sweet Summer Internship in D.C.

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Leave it to the president to figure out how a phone works,” the Career Services Staff cheered. “We’ve been working on that for six months!” MONICA BHIDE AND ALLIE KIEKHOFER

Managing Editor and Associate Content Editor CSD’s Career Services Center reported recordhigh rates of wishful thinking in weeks preceding the senior class of 2013’s graduation. Facing a stillweak job market, weary advisors at the Career Services Center, originally designed to help students fudge their resumes and maybe even find employment opportunities, have turned directly to President Barack Obama as a last-ditch effort to find jobs for graduates. “The fact is that the number of college seniors graduating each year just doesn’t match up with the number of available jobs, and until Obama turns up with some jobs, there’s really nothing I — or a student — can do but wait it out,” Career Services advisor Sandra Chu said from the comfort of her personal, air-conditioned office, without answering repeated questioning as to just who the hell she thinks she is.

“Man, it’s even bleaker than I thought,” Chu continued after realizing that 23 of the 24 candidates she had workshopped that day had no chance of gainful employment. “Benjamin was a solid ‘maybe,’” she said. “But Betsy, Brian, Becca — not a chance. Unless Becca can convince her cousin to rehire her after the popcorn fiasco. “And that’s just the B’s. So, yeah, they’re all doomed,” she continued. Chu claims that the Career Services Center has actively hoped for jobs to materialize under the Obama administration, doing such things as “thinking positive thoughts” and “lightly jogging every morning.” “We’ve started giving students tips, like, ‘Individualize your resumes for every single company,’ or ‘Sign up for Bluefly’s mailing list” — just to give them something to do. It’s so obviously useless,” Chu sighed. “But they feel a lot better than before, when we used to tell them that they should just start working on their car-washing chops.” Careers Services has en-

couraged students to be confident in their job hunts, even suggesting that they create email addresses for the jobs they want, not for the jobs they have. “It’s near impossible to get a job right now, so you’ve got to play the game,” Chu said. “You want a job at Google? Get rid of decentdogwalker@ hotmail.com. Make your email address GoogleEmployee01@yahoo.com.” “I can’t emphasize this enough: Nobody’s going to take you seriously with a Hotmail account,” she added. Chu also noted that the Career Services Center has begun communicating with the White House to urge Obama to push college-level employment to the top of his agenda. “I sent in a query about jobs to Washington just last week,” Chu said. “So, the Department of Job Makers should be on the case. At this point, there’s nothing more I can do to help students get jobs.” Until employment levels spike up, Chu suggests students find ways to be produc-

tive while they wait for a job to head their way. “In the meantime, students should diversify their resumes — take a few more years to graduate; turn that theater minor into a major,” Chu said. “There’s no employment in sight at the moment, so why not? Who knows what kinds of awesome new jobs Obama will have invented a few years from now?” Chu’s intern, UCSD senior Andrew Pham, has expressed a more realistic opinion on the current employment situation facing college graduates. “I’m top of my class and I have a job as an unpaid office assistant for a woman who, at our holiday staff party, drunkenly told me that if I wanted financial stability I should get into slinging [selling narcotics, or drugs],” Pham said. “But how do you think I got to be her intern in the first place? Yeah. You’re looking at the kind of person who’s got a real chance in this market,” he continued as he addressed a sealed envelope containing his resume to Lee Pham & Son’s Lawn-Mowing Co.

UCSD Freshman Still Has Three Years to Learn to Surf BY COLE STEFFENSEN Staff Writer

CSD freshman Josh Fields, set to complete his first year of college in the coming weeks, will return from La Jolla to his family’s home in Grass Valley, Calif., having yet to go to the beach or to learn how to surf. “Don’t get me wrong — it’s been a great year, filled with friends, classes, studying, student organizations, reading, classes, studying, finals, and studying,” Fields said. “It’s just — I was hoping to dance on the ole’ Styrofoam plank before summer. “What? That’s not a thing people say?” he added. Fields expressed worry that his family would be disappointed upon learning that he had not taken advantage of UCSD’s proximity to the beach. “Yeah, I guess I never really got around to it this year,” Fields said with a sigh. “I still have 3 more years, though. And plus, next quarter I’m going to be taking four chem classes, so that’ll mean I’ll be ultra motivated and efficient and not waste any time, so I won’t procrastinate on going to the beach like I did this year.” Fields remains optimistic about a future trip to La Jolla Shores and said he was determined to make it to the beach next quarter. “I’m a go-getter — I mean, I already have sophomore standing — so believe me that I’m going to keep at this,” he said. “That is, if the weather’s ok, if I’ve got the money, and the energy … and the time, and nothing else better to do.

After copying his butt, Biden returned to his desk to hide the word “dick” in several Excel spreadsheets. BY WESLEY CHAN Business Editor

s students nationwide return home to rejection letters, unanswered phone calls from their crushes, and rotten report cards, one hopeful lad from eastern Pennsylvania is about to receive some good news. Starting as soon as he ditches his last final (his grades in his History of Public Transport Systems class, which he’s taking passno pass from the University of Phoenix, are high enough to allow it), Vice President Joe Biden will fly to the state capitol, where he will work as an administrative intern for the presidential cabinet. “Summer the year after a [presidential] campaign can be really slow, and I was nervous I wouldn’t have anything good to put on my resume,” the vice president said. “I hadn’t heard back from any internships I applied to for over three months — not Applebees’ intern-to-the-waiter program, not to [D.C.-area dog walking startup] Strolls with Bo Obama — nothing,” he continued. Biden reports that his wife, Second Lady Jill Biden, suggested a summer internship as a good way for the 70-yearold to learn “people skills” and how to better serve the American population — something that Mrs. Biden says is important if he wants to get serious about a career in politics. Biden explained how his past

internships had put him to the test. “When I was a P.F. Chang’s intern [in Summer 2009] I really found my morals being tested on a daily basis,” Biden said. “Deciding whether or not to lie when customers ask if there are peanuts in the stir-fried noodle dish is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.” Biden reported that his internship acceptance came at an opportune time, as many university students are inching away from traditionally lucrative jobs at investment banking companies in favor of more “meaningful” work. Biden, for example, says he anticipates his D.C. internship will allow him to see the inner workings of politics on Capitol Hill, like “How many doughnuts does [Secretary of State] John Kerry eat for breakfast?”, “How many photocopies do you make of Obama’s haikus that are read at the start of every cabinet meeting?”, and “From where do you steal the donuts John Kerry eats for breakfast every morning?” “Sure, it’s an unpaid internship,” Biden said. “And I know it sounds kinda crappy on paper — but you gotta admit, it’s gonna look killer on my resume. Plus, there’s free WiFi in the White House, too, so I’ll be able to watch a crap ton of por — scholarly articles — on the job. “I mean, what do you think I’ve been doing for the past four years?” he asked, flashing his veneers and smirking.

TOP TEN

Similarities between a Philosophy Text Book and Anal Beads

PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG

Fields managed to stay on the board until he accidentally floated over the first waterfall, at which point he fell off the board and tumbled down the steps. “Ooh, and I should get some swim trunks,” he added. “And sandals. Or no, wait. Can you wear New Balances on sand? What about moccasins?” Fields also stated concern over a number of logistical obstacles relating to learning to surf. “It’d definitely be way easier if I had my car here,” he said. “Except … would I rent the board from here and drive it over to the beachlands? Is that what people do? Actually, come to think of it, I have no idea how you learn or even where you go to do that. I guess I’ll have to Google it later,” he continued as he reloaded Facebook to see “two new stories” on his News Feed. Fields’ case is not unfamiliar; trends show that

freshmen who do not visit the beach are less likely to return in following years. In a recent survey taken of UCSD freshman about beach attendance, 75 percent of respondents said they “intended to learn next quarter,” while another 12 percent had “come to terms with the fact that it probably wasn’t ever actually going to happen.” A mere 6 percent reported that they had learned to surf, but had only done it on the Welcome Week beach day and did not plan to surf again. The remainder of students did not give a straightforward answer — some left the survey blank, but unique responses included a detailed drawing of a mermaid, an attempt to unscramble the letters “B E A C H” with a question mark, and half of an

ECON 120 problem set. Despite the odds, the 30-minute walk down a hill that Fields calls “basically Mount Everest” to the closest beach, and general cognitive impermeability of the UCSD recreation catalogue, Fields remains hopeful that he will achieve his goal. “I know the stats, but come on. It’s got to be basically impossible to spend four years here and never learn to surf,” Fields said. “My mom keeps joking that if she’s going to keep paying for my school, I have to ‘learn to surf and get some goddamn friends while I’m at it,’” he continued before chuckling, clearing his throat and looking down at the ground. “I’m sure everyone who’s graduated here does that by some point … don’t they?”

10. The bookstore will buy them back at the end of the quarter 9. Known to spark intriguing conversations about Nietzche 8. People will think you’re cool if you whip ‘em out at a coffee shop 7. Necessitates extensive background knowledge of German compound words 6. Difficult, but ultimately rewarding, to use while high 5. Michel Foucault was an outspoken advocate for both 4. Your parents are sick of hearing you talk about what you learned from them 3. It’s helpful to keep some at your bedside in case of an existential emergency 2. Your professor has a couple you can borrow 1. The bigger, the better facebook.com/ucsdmq

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UCSD Enters “Hunger Pains”

Graduates to Compete for the Last Remaining Job in San Diego

Nation Desperately Trying Not to Ruin It for One Guy Who Hasn’t Seen “Arrested Development” Yet

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Lindeman’s blinders, though saving him the pain of any possible plot spoilers, proved less effective in saving him from the pain of being hit by a stair car. BY JESSI CARR

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

The eventual winner only had trouble deciding whether to place their 17-person confirmed kill count under the “Achievements” or the “Special Skills” section of their résumé. BY HOWARD WANG Staff Writer

ollowing an announcement from the Career Services Center this week that there is now only one remaining job opening in all of San Diego, UCSD’s Associated Students, in conjunction with UCSD Recreation, released plans to host a race-to-thedeath-style sporting competition to determine who would be eligible to obtain the position. The competition, dubbed “The Hunger Pains,” takes its inspiration from the wildly popular “Hunger Games” trilogy written by Suzanne Collins. Like the books and the film franchise, the Pains are highly anticipated and expected to be popular with the SDSU undergraduate population. The details of the first annual UCSD Hunger Pains are still being worked out, but rumors have circulated that all graduating students who have not secured work following graduation will be automatically entered into the reaping process. Two

“tributes” from each of the six colleges will be randomly selected based on a complex and “highly unbiased” algorithm that factors in variables such as name, graduation year, GPA, number of upperdivision units completed, the current weather conditions in Venezuela, and the number of bomb threats North Korea makes that week. The 12 tributes will battle to the death at a specially designed arena, with the winner receiving the “fame, fortune, and glory” associated with blue-collar employment. UCSD Facilities and Maintenance are working to set up the arena. They will be temporarily converting the Torrey Pines Gliderport and Blacks Beach into a cliffside arena, lacing pods that will release dangerous traps when triggered. Photos leaked by an anonymous source online show traps that include severe cliff and beach erosion, strong winds, high tides, and genetically engineered mutant cottontail jackrabbits bred especially for the Pains. Residents of La Jolla Farms have requested that the lo-

cation of the central Cornycrappia, which holds all the vital weaponry and survival equipment, be placed halfway up the cliff but under their homes, so they can have the best view of the initial bloodbath. The Pains’ attempt to settle an unequal job market in San Diego has garnered worldwide attention, both positive and negative. An article in the Brick-in-the-Wall Street Journal stated that the Pains are “a wonderful way to jump start the economy … they create a fair way for new graduates to obtain jobs without experience, reduce the number of those competing for a job, offer a way for employers to guarantee that the graduates they hire are strong-willed people, and allow for ways to create lots more advertising revenue following the Super Bowl.” Those who argue against the games have been far less vocal than those who praise them. Frequent Reddit user evil_squirrels714 criticized the Associated Students’ idea, saying “WUT A TERIBBLE IDEA! IS UCSD REALLY

KILLING ITS OWN GRADUATES FOR FUN AND ENTERTAI—” At press time, evil_squirrels714, normally a daily Reddit user, had been inactive on the site for three days. The winning tribute will start his new and rewarding career the week following his victory, earning $14.70 per hour working at the Wendy’s downtown as a Chili Bowl Quality Assurance Officer, searching each and every bowl of chili to make sure it contains no foreign contaminants. The Hunger Pains are open to students and guest spectators alike. Chili dogs and nachos will be sold on Library Walk, and the first 5,000 UCSD students with ID will receive a free promotional pencil that converts into a protective lightsaber. Betting on the tributes is highly encouraged. A.S. Council has pledged that the funds generated will go directly to councilmember stipends or the Second Annual Hunger Pains, in which UCSD undergrads will battle it out for free Sun God guest passes.

Area News Station Looking to Kill Off a Few Major Characters to Reignite Interest in News, Area BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN, ADIL MISTRY, AND FRANCIS OSCAR XAVIER

Graphics Editor, Staff Writer, and Conservative Correspondant

ince San Diego Fox affiliate KSWB Channel 5 entered the local news market in 1985, the news network has had viewership precipitously plummet. Attempts to revive viewer interest through user-generated news, reading celebrity tweets, and actively begging on live television have failed to stymie the hemorrhaging of viewers and bolster ratings. Last Monday, Executive Producer John Statham announced that he had made the difficult decision to begin killing off anchors in a last ditch attempt to boost viewership. In an internal memo, he assured employees that this decision would not ultimately affect job security in the currently fragile economy. “Channel 5 news, like any other business, does not operate as a charity; while we do our best to look after our employees, what’s most important to Fox News is its success and profitability,” Statham said. “If a few heads — I mean eyes — have to roll from our decisions, we’ll just have to live with it.” Fan favorites like Aloha Taylor and Kathleen Bade appear to be safe for the time being as the news network has not reached dire straits.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

This particular death is believed to have stolen a record three viewers from PCCCKE’s 11 p.m. Whittling and Woodworking programming rerun. However, inside sources report that Taylor’s “bloated contract” makes her particularly vulnerable should another network step up by airing segments on paralyzed high schoolers rescuing litters of kittens off of flaming airplanes in freefall. “We knew about these potential cuts well in advance so that way we could get our business in order,” Taylor said. “I like to think I’ve been keeping my head about me, especially since my looks can vouch for looping ‘Nice’ as the forecast every day for San Diego.” Other local news stations

have already begun poaching the candidates to be eliminated from KSWB. NBC 7 San Diego has already created a headless news segment to be filled by the incoming talent, hoping to keep its ratings head and shoulders above the competition. “Ratings mean everything in the world of local news. If we can’t convince the public that everything causes cancer with the 11 o’clock breaking news, we may as well just call it a day,” NBC 7 Executive Sandy Rains said. “Except news. News does not cause cancer. Please watch our channel.”

Speculatively up on the chopping block are news anchors for segments aimed at non-news reporting, such as YouTube videos of adorable animals doing stupid things and debates on whether Justin Bieber smoking marijuana is destroying or saving America. However, due to its dominance in the social media reporting field, it is not expected that KSWB’s live trending Twitter feed, which maintains higher than average viewership, will be in jeopardy. Indeed, it is expected that Fox 5 will expand its reporting to include Foursquare check-ins and LinkedIn job postings.

Mr. Managing Editor

pproximately 314 million Americans have made a collected effort in recent weeks not to reveal the plot details of the recently released fourth season of “Arrested Development” in an attempt to avoid spoiling the long-awaited return of the sitcom that, before being canceled, aired on Fox from 2003 to 2006. Their efforts are directed at 32-yearold Amarillo, Texas, resident Ralph Lindeman, who realized on May 26 that he would be unable to view the series until he remembered his Netflix password. Lindeman requested through both his Facebook and Twitter accounts that his friends, acquaintances, and fellow citizens refrain from discussion of the 15 episodes until he figures out how to request a new password be sent to the Yahoo email account that he originally used to sign up for Netflix, which would be a complete disaster in itself due to having to actually go to Yahoo and check that email account for the first time in eight months. “If only there were some sort of anti-social network out there, I could stop making all you guys wait,” Lindeman posted on his Facebook ac-

count on May 29, three days after the season was released. “Does anyone know of one?” Lindeman’s determination to prevent himself from learning how the show continues comes from a series of traumatic spoilers — he cites having “The Sixth Sense” spoiled by music group The Lonely Island’s song “Jizz In My Pants” and obnoxious teenagers tagging with the phrase “Snape Killed Dumbledore!” in various rest-stop bathroom stalls along Interstate 40, according to multiple family and friends. Due to his refusal to leave the house, Lindeman has found himself running low on household necessities such as food and wondering what sort of shenanigans family magician G.O.B. has found himself tied up in. However, all of the caution was found to be for nothing when Lindeman opened a self-proclaimed spoiler-free critical review of the season on television blog Videogum, only to find that a forgetful and inconsiderate commenter had revealed a crucial plot detail of episode thirteen, effectively ruining the surprise of the series. “Oh darn,” Lindeman exclaimed at his computer desk. “Looks like I blue myself again!”

TOP TEN

Reasons a Shark Attack is Better Than Taking Your Finals 10. Your wisdom arm is coming in and you need to get it removed anyway 9. Requires contact with a living being 8. After the attack you get a sweet-ass scar, but after finals all you get is another year of debt and self-loathing 7. “How’d it go?” “Ehhh . . . could’ve been worse.” 6. Means you’ll finally have to see what this whole ocean thing is about 5. It’s more socially acceptable to pee your pants during a shark attack than a final 4. Your parents will have a harder time being disappointed in your performance on the shark attack 3. If you fail a shark attack, you don’t have to go back and take it again next year 2. Maybe then you’ll feel something 1. The final is two shark attacks Go easy on us. We just had to put down our dog. Tuesdays. 6 pm. Half Dome. Next Year.

theMQ.org

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June 5, 2013

Eau d’In’N’Out Released

Results in Increased Food Cravings, Bear Attacks

Delaware Adventure:

The First Theme Park in the First State Just like the human body, Delaware is 21.5% water, and just like the Delaware, Delaware Adventure is 21.5% water park! Our Lazy River is open Friday through Sunday! Monday through Thursday, it doubles as Delaware’s sewage system.

Visit the MILK BAR™ and pay homage to Delaware’s state beverage, milk! Original Milk, Cow Milk, Goat Milk, Breast Milk, Left Breast Milk, Butter! (It’s milk with all the fat still in it!), Traditional Delaware .25% Fat Milk, “Leche”, Almond Milk! (No, just kidding; that’s a waste of our time), Vintage Milk (pictured) PHOTO BY HOWARD WANG

“Pardon my self-awareness, but don’t you think our status as man-eating predators and business leaders could give people the wrong idea about corporate interests?” asked one bear. BY ZAC HANN

MQ Deadbeat Stepdad

he popular west-coast fast food chain, In-N-Out Burger, has recently released a cologne, called Eau d’In’N’Out, that smells like a combination of their most popular menu items. The restaurant’s dedicated fans have begun purchasing and wearing the substance in droves, and it is now unsurprising to find crowded malls, schools, and law libraries across the Golden State with a heavy scent of cooked beef and fried potatoes. Although initial surveys have revealed over 99% customer satisfaction with the product, there are several serious disadvantages to applying the odor; the worst of these is the drastically increased risk of getting mauled to death by a bear. Californians, as well as a few Nevadans, Arizonans, and Utahns, report increased popularity and self-confi-

dence when wearing the cologne. “It makes sense,” said Thousand Oaks resident Thurgood Smith. “I love being in an In-N-Out because of the smell, and I love being around people that smell like an InN-Out.” Sniffing the air, Smith turned to watch a woman in her early twenties walk past him. “Aww yeah, she’s a double-double for sure . . . what? She smells really good.” Although most customers are expressing complete satisfaction with the fragrance, which sells for $139.99 for a 3.4-ounce bottle, a few negative consequences of wearing the product have been observed. For example, although those desperate for attention may liberally apply the cologne and expect to be surrounded by a large number of hungry passers-by, these crowds are frequently restless and display voracious, insatiate mannerisms. Of greater concern than crowds of suburbia-dwellers licking the drool from their

chops is the fact that over fifty wearers of Eau d’In’N’Out have been mauled to death by bears, usually fatally, with more attacks being reported daily. The attacks have occurred not only in wilderness areas, but in towns and city centers as well. Although most California bear attacks are perpetrated by grizzlies, those wearing the burger franchise’s new scent have also been viciously slain by the usually shy black bears. “It’s probably because Eau d’In’N’Out’s major ingredient is drippings from cooked burgers taken directly from our restaurant locations,” said an In-N-Out spokesperson who addressed the maulings. “Our burgers are always made with 100% pure American beef. Fresh, never frozen! Even a bear can’t resist that smell!” After a brief chuckle, she cleared her throat and continued, “Our customers’ deaths are of course very tragic. In-N-Out Burger regrets any affiliation

of our products with the animal attacks.” A handful of general trends in the bear attacks have been observed. Bears display an increased tendency to attack a person wearing Eau d’In’N’Out if they have recently devoured someone wearing one of the fragrances in the Eau d’Ethanol™ series, which includes Eau d’Jack, Eau d’Cuervo, and Eau d’Six Bottles of Beer in Half an Hour. Several bears have stumbled onto burger cologne wearers after consuming hikers wearing Eau d’Ethanol™ and uttered deep, satisfied moans as they sank their teeth into a limb. Bears with higher body fat percentages are also more likely to go after individuals wearing the new scent than other people in the area. It has been postulated that this is because the fragrance contains the aroma of French fries prepared with all-natural cholesterol-free vegetable oil.

Out of State Student Found Beaten After Criticizing California

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

A neat trick to ripening the heart faster is to put it in a paper bag with a banana. BY ANDREW DENERIS Assistant Copy Editor

police memo released today reported that Allan Matthews, a freshman at UCSD originally from Spokane, Washington, was discovered lying unconscious and severely injured on Library Walk by a campus police officer at 3 a.m. The memo, released by the UCSD police department, indicated that Matthews had been savagely beaten after making “disparaging remarks” regarding certain aspects of California and its unique culture. Matthews, who is currently recovering in Thornton Hospital’s intensive care unit, stated in an interview that he was beaten after telling his friends that he thinks

California burritos are “sacks of puke.” “I mean come on, fries in a burrito? What’s with that?” he told reporters, drawing menacing glares from nearby medical staff and other patients. He went on to say, much more quietly, that he had also said that California wines “don’t hold a candle to Washington’s,” and that he “doesn’t see what the big deal is about boba.” Matthews’ degradation of such beloved tenets of California culture has galvanized UCSD’s native Californian population against him. By midday, a massive group of protesters had gathered outside his hospital window, holding signs and chanting anti-out-of-

state slogans. “If this out-ofstate punk thinks he can keep ‘Spokane’ about my home state like this, he’s wrong,” one particularly snarky protester told reporters as he held up a sign that read “Don’t Mess With CaliBROnia.” “They come here and leech off of our world-class university, take up space on our beaches, and now they’re hating on our food, too?” another UCSD student who claimed to be a California native said. “I’m hella pissed, dude.” The protesters met opposition from a much smaller but equally vocal group of Matthews’ supporters, all out-of-state students, holding signs that said, “Our Tuition Is Higher Than You Are”

and “End Californication.” “We’re the true Tritons!” one out-of-state activist said. “We didn’t just come here because we couldn’t get into Berkeley — we’re the ones that are loyal to UCSD!” Marissa Serana, an intern at UCSD’s Office of Out of State Affairs, said she was “not surprised” when she heard about Matthews. “We send out a ‘Dos and Don’ts of Being a Californian’ email to all out of state students for exactly this reason,” she said. The email includes such advice as, “DO complain about 50 degree weather,” “DO disregard stop signs or speed limits,” “DON’T say you’re ‘doing pot,’” and, “DON’T, for the love of God, call it ‘I-5.’” “It’s really easy to make enemies around here — even for something as simple as saying that [‘Saturday Night Live’ sketch] ‘The Californians’ is actually pretty accurate a lot of the time.” “Oh, shit — don’t write that down!” Serana added, before frantically lowering all of the blinds in her office and hiding under her desk. Matthews’ friend Marcus Killian, a Seattle native, was similarly unsurprised at his friend’s fate. “I warned him he’d make enemies if he kept up the California-bashing,” he said. “It was bad enough when he was trashing the 49ers, but going after the food — you just don’t do that.” “Besides, I don’t see what he has against it,” he added nervously, grabbing a California burrito from a passing roommate, taking a bite and suppressing a gag. “These things are nothing but delicious!”

Delaware’s state bird, the Blue Hen – on a stick!

And if you’re interested in Delaware cuisine, try our original Delaware Cinnamon Sugar Ridged Dessert Cylinder!

As you leave our park (and our state), get your photo taken with Drivin’ thru Delaware, where you can get a photo of yourself driving on our very own Delaware Turnpike! And come back soon! As we say here in Delaware, “We’ll miss you.”

TOP FIFTEEN

Things Pradeep Khosla Tells You as You Rescue Him from a Burning Building 15. Did you know that we are nationally ranked as the eighth best public university, and first by Washington Monthly? 14. If we don’t make it out of this, I want you to know, I don’t know what my job entails 13. I can never find convenient parking around here 12. Trouble carrying me? You should head on down to RIMAC or Main Gym, the funding for which is included in your university fees 11. Shouldn’t you be in class? Hahaha, gets ‘em every time! 10. Mike Judge did this to me 9. Did you know Carnegie Mellon isn’t even a member of the melon family? 8. God is dead 7. Wow, I almost totally regret being silently complicit in the allocation of funds away from your department ... almost 6. Chris White — Beer Chemist ‘93, ‘96 5. And IIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu! 4. Triton Cash allows you to receive a ten percent discount on a variety of vendors both on and off campus 3. Unhand me, peasant! 2. Oh man, do you think this will get me into The Guardian? 1. Please, Mr. Khosla is my father. Call me Chancellor

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June 5, 2013

Page 11

Local Bro Can’t Wait to “Crack Some Brewskis” on the Lake

POINT

“Sippin’ on Coke and Rum. I’m Like, ‘So What, I’m Drunk...’” BY CHET WHITTERMAN

Conniseur of Alcohol t is the end of the work week and I am planning on having some fun in the near future brah. So if I could have that toot toot, or the beep beep, that would be greatly appreciated. That, or possibly massaging my afro would be desirable. I am so clean, I feel as if I am a freshly baked good from the kitchen. There is a female whose skill surrounding interpretive dance is to be rivaled by few. She has the attention of every man who wishes they

were in a relationship with her. Hop hop hop hop hop hop hop hop.

COUNTERPOINT

SO WHAT? After what you did last night? BY RANDY CLEMENTS PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“The only grade I need is a C!” Halverson said, referring to his preference of Coors brand beer, and not his grade point average of 1.74. BY KEVIN CHU

Associate Content Editor

iting the trip’s anticipated “chill vibes” and the company of his “swole patrol,” local bro Chuck Halverson expressed his excitement for his yearly houseboating trip to Arizona’s Lake Havasu next Thursday. According to sources, Halverson, a third-year sociology major from Cupertino, California, is reportedly “stoked beyond belief” for this year’s expedition to the notorious “rage lake.” “So juiced for this year,” Halverson stated. “It’s not like this trip hasn’t been a sweetass hang sesh [sic] every year, but dude, like, this year? This year is gonna be so sick. “Dude, so sick,” he added, after staring wistfully off into

the distance for a few minutes. This year also marks the first time Halverson, a fixture of the UCSD men’s lacrosse midfield, will be of legal drinking age for his annual expedition, and thus no longer reliant on his friend Nathan Luce’s older brother Carter, who Halverson confided as being ”kind of cool, but sometimes a real goober.” The Muir College junior is subsequently planning to fill the bed of his “lifted” Dodge Ram with “racks on racks of Natty, Stone, some Jaeger, you name it” that he and his friends can “pound back” during the campout. Halverson also expressed excitement for the locale itself, stating that the woods were “dece’ as hell” and that the lake itself was “dank.”

“Yeah, Hav’ is just the perfect depth where you could totally cannonball into it, or you could just take a raft out there and get your tan on,” Halverson said. “Plus, the girls there are always doable and def’ down. “Like down, down,” he added, nodding and winking, “I’ve done some crazy shit there, and most of them have been those Havasu ‘hos. “Ho-vasus,” he giggled, before debating whether “hovasus” or “hos-vasu” was a more grammatically appropriate term with which objectify female lake-goers on his upcoming trip. Halverson also expressed anticipation for the weather at Havasu, which he confirmed is beholden to the “sun’s out guns out” law, which would allow him to ex-

hibit his “jacked new bod” on days he would be “fadin’ the lake.” “Yeah, going paleo for these next couple of weeks until I can get a visible sixpack and like, I’m talkin’, veiny-ass obliques,” Halverson stated, motioning up and down his sides. “No carbs except for a couple cold ones every now and then, 2-hour swole sessions six days a week, and, like, doubling my protein intake. “God, I’m so stoked,” Halverson added after sitting in silence, just smiling at the open notes before him. “This trip is definitely gonna be rad.” When reached for comment about Halverson’s trip, most people sitting around him in the library just wished that he would shut up.

GOOD GRIEF, MORE BRIEFS STUDENT READS CONSTRUCTION ALERTS, IS “SUPER WELL-INFORMED”

PROTESTERS AND POLICE PLAYING CHICKEN IN TURKEY

The UCSD Department of Facilities and Maintenance was shocked to discover that sophomore David Wynn has read every single construction alert sent to his UCSD email address during his time as a student. Even more shockingly, Wynn was found to have actually modified his schedule to avoid road construction where it would impact his commute to school from his home on Nobel Drive. In one such instance, Wynn was awoken at 4:30 on a Monday morning by an email warning to the student body about construction on La Jolla Village between Villa La Jolla and Gilman. Rather than deleting the email without reading it and cursing the school for interrupting his sleep, as, analysis later showed, every other recipient of the email did, Wynn took Genesee to class that morning instead. As a result, Wynn was able to avoid the ensuing traffic snarl, and arrived at his 9:00 a.m. class well before the majority of his fellow students. On receiving news of this astounding development, Junior Vice Chancellor of Useless Communications Nancy Snider issued a memo to her staff of two interns instructing them to “triple the frequency and length of constructionrelated emails,” now that they were aware that “somebody actually reads these things.” When informed of this development, Wynn was reportedly ecstatic, screaming, “Excellent! No more orange cones for David Wynn!”

Thousands protesting Turkey’s Ak-Party-led government have begun a highrisk game of wills with state forces that has seen each side pile into American muscle cars before beginning to drive toward the opposing car down by the old abandoned cement mixing factory. The protests, originating in the state’s destruction and redevelopment of an Istanbul park, have spread throughout the transcontinental republic, growing to address rampant unemployment as well as the government’s recent crackdowns on public displays of affection and alcohol sale. In an address given from the driver’s seat of a ‘67 Mustang, Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan spoke on the social tensions plaguing the country assuring the nation that the protests, while peaceful, would not be tolerated and would be dealt with harshly. “I have dispatched my finest riot police in case our use of deadly force causes some sort of riot,” he said, slamming the candy apple red piece of sex on wheels into 4th gear. Protesters, shouting over the sound of a redlined Chevrolet Camaro Z28, responded by telling Erdogan they would not back down and were fully prepared to crash their much soughtafter automobile into the Prime Minister’s vehicle if it came to that, adding that his ruling Ak-Party were a bunch of squares.

FRESHMAN TO PASS MATH FINAL, WILL STUDY FOR 48 HOURS WITH NO PEE BREAKS

METEORITE EXPECTED TO HIT WESTERN HEMISPHERE OUT OF FAIRNESS

Marshall freshman Jeremy Peterson announced Tuesday that although he has not purchased the textbook for or attended any lectures for MATH 140, he is confident that he will manage to pass the class’s upcoming final by staying up for 48 straight hours as long as he manages not to take any bathroom or food breaks. Peterson, who is registered as pass/no pass for the course, plans to follow a strict study regimen for the two days leading up to the final with “no pee breaks or nap breaks.” Leading up to this event, Peterson spent his $83 in remaining dining dollars on a mixture of energy drinks and Adderall alone, which, although unorthodox, he assures will help him achieve his goal of “keeping him going when his brain says ‘stop’ and when he feels blood vessels popping in his eyes.” Peterson tells sources that he is fully aware of the health risks surrounding such a stringent schedule and has already booked a visit to a local rehabilitation clinic for when his finals are over “just in case I go a little too crazy. But I have to keep my GPA of 2.13 up, or my parents will not be happy.” Peterson commented that he had no other options regarding his studying schedule, stating, “It’s not like I was going to go to class or something. I am not a nerd, duh.”

The American Astronomical Society has confidently predicted, with precision and insight typical to the astronomical sciences, that a meteorite will strike somewhere in the northern or southern regions of the Western Hemisphere in the near or far future. This decisive forecast came after the recent meteorite strike in Russia that destroyed a large forested tract of Siberia, leading to the scientific expectation that a similar disaster would occur in the Western Hemisphere for the sake of equality. Bolder predictions have been made that the meteorite would strike the U.S. or Canada instead of the more economically unstable South American countries, and that it would likely fall on the West Coast, because the East Coast “has had enough shit to deal with.” Physicists have factored in the cicada invasions, recent terrorist attacks, and the unfortunate wardrobe choices made by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and have concluded that it is extremely unlikely that the East Coast would be so unlucky. The AAS has recommended all American government workers be given a mandatory crash course in meteoritestrike preparedness, as well as an emergency supply pack containing one semi-robust umbrella, one pack of dehydrated Lay’s potato chips, and a live chicken to be used for barter purposes.

Aspiring Accountant

o you even remember what happened? Wow, Chet, you are some piece of work. You really need to slow it down, dude. Are you like a huge lightweight or something, because you had like two drinks at the club. Before you left for a smoke you were totally fine. You were only gone for like ten minutes, I don’t understand what … wait, which guy? Oh, you didn’t get his name, ok. He had a bottle of what in the back alley? No Label? Then why did you drink it?! What color was it? No, I am pretty sure neon orange vodka doesn’t exist and no, those white little crystals at the bottom of the bottle are not normal! Remember that “hot señorita in the pink shorts” you tried to make out with as we left the club? That was Jeremiah. Yeah, the macchiato guy. Now I have to go across town to get coffee before work! And they were salmon, anyway. Dude, there is a difference! Oh, those bruises on your knuckles? Yeah, you are a really violent drunk, but don’t worry, you really showed that stop sign what for when it was “tryna’ front like it was all that.” And I haven’t even mentioned your “amateur juggling” act that you just decided those random kids at the park “just HAD to see” as we walked back to my apartment. It was

definitely not cool. I jog there in the morning, dude. Now I can’t step foot there without being associated with that guy who hit that kid in the face with a bowling pin. I am not going to even mention what you did to that poor guy on the bike. Let’s just say you are going to have some medical bills coming your way from a guy named Rick. He is never gonna look at mailboxes the same way. So many splinters… Thanks, dude, just thanks for the great night. I loved cleaning up my apartment after your little fiasco in the closet. They are in completely different sides of the hallway, I don’t understand how you could think to miss the bathroom entirely! I will never get that stain out of my sweater. Oh yeah, by the way, I just wanted to tell you I am not going to be able to make it to the party Saturday either, or that thing Sunday, or anything ever.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Your Roommate and a Bathroom Wastebasket 10. Has to be taken out and thrown down the garbage chute periodically 9. Attracts flies 8. Needs to be bleached every once in a while 7. Lays on bathroom floor not moving 6. Makes a decent ashtray 5. Started to smell last week and you don’t know what to do 4. You got really drunk and peed all over it that one night 3. You can stand on it to reach the top of your closet 2. Doesn’t pay rent 1. Makes a great door stop in a pinch

THE MQ

The voice of the people who write this paper. Tuesdays, 6 pm, Half Dome. Next Year.

Page 12

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June 5, 2013

The quality of your summer is measured in Summer Cool Points, which you lose and gain as you roll a die to make your way away from, and eventually back toward, UCSD’s Geisel Library. If you run out of Summer Cool Points, you die of heat exhaustion. Your starting number of Summer Cool Points and who rolls the die first are decided based on socioeconomic status. Every time you roll the die, you must immediately yell “SUMMAH!” or forfeit your turn. Every time you eat a watermelon, roll a six. If you’re eating a watermelon and swallow a seed, skip your next turn. If you land on someone’s space and they were there first, you become their intern until your next turn. You must do whatever that person tells you to do. Even if it’s organizing their LaserDisc collection. Once you’ve accumulated 20 Summer Cool Points, change into a bikini.† If a fire erupts in your building during gameplay, remain calm and alert your local fire department. More information can be found at usfa.fema.gov. Finally, how to win: Don’t play in the first place.

To play this game as a drinking game, drink every so often while playing.

†

Summer: The Board Game! contains a single one-sizefits-some bikini. More bikinis can be purchased in the Summer: The Board Game! expansion pack for $29.95.