THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
June 5, 2013
“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” — Mike Tyson
Have a great summer! Never change! Unless it’s the shitty parts of you.
Graduating Couple Certain Their Love Will Get Them Through Unemployment
Volume XIX Issue VII
IN THIS ISSUE CHEMISTRY GRAD REALLY GOOD AT DRAWING HEXAGONS
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SECRET COOKIE SERVICE NOW SECRET QUICKIE SERVICE
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LAW & ORDER: SUN GOD VICTIMS UNIT FRESHMAN STILL HAS THREE YEARS TO LEARN TO SURF DELAWARE ADVENTURE: FIRST STATE’S FIRST THEME PARK
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
When the single fluorescent light bulb hanging from the ceiling hits your eye, you won’t be able to pay for surgery because you don’t have health insurance, but also, that’s amore! MONICA BHIDE AND BRIAN DAMP
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Managing Editor and Editor-in-Chief
wo weeks before moving in together, local couple and UCSD seniors Ryan Kemp and Annika Jacobson affirmed that what they lacked in full-time job offers they made up for in their undying love for one another.
Despite their knowledge that over half of recent college graduates in the U.S. are either unemployed or working at a job that doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree, Kemp and Jacobson remain confident that everything would work out for them. “I have no doubt that it’ll turn out all right. We have something essential in common: each other’s support,”
Kemp said. “And that ottoman we bought together at IKEA.” Kemp and Jacobson have vowed to support one another, even as they take jobs that relate only tangentially to their undergraduate studies — Jacobson, a computer science major, will apply as a greeter at the Apple Store and Kemp, a biochemistry major, as a junior bartender at Dave and Busters.
“He’s worried, but of course, they’ll give him great tips. Who could say ‘15 percent’ to a face like that?” Jacobson said of Kemp. “I mean, sure, maybe he’d have been bumped up a few more percentage points if he’d gone to the hair place I recommended.
See COUPLE, page 2
Old Man “Feels Storm a-Comin’ ”
PHOTO BY SORA CHEE
“This is merely divine punishment for the arrogance of man,” said Carruthers, discharging his weapon skyward. “The McRib should never have come back! It isn’t our place to play God!” BY JACK BEEGAN
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Content Editor
ifetime Moore, Oklahoma resident 73-year-old Walter Carruthers recently reported a “feelin’ in [his] bones,” which he claimed was evidence that a “storm’s a comin’,” before going on to complain about the government and the most recent “Matlock” rerun. “We got a commie in the White House, and there’s somethin’ bad brewin’ just out yonder,” he said, gesturing past a broken fence. “And if I have to watch another god-damned infomercial before my program, I swear, I’ll jam on my wife’s Life Alert till those uppity ‘para-
medics’ or whatever they’re called come and I can give ‘em a piece of my mind.” The former merchant marine reserveman revealed that whenever his “knee’s all actin’ up,” he knows “somethin’ bad’s a-brewin’,” adding that he believed this particular knee-based sensation indicated that a tornado was headed toward his town. “It’s comin’, all right. You know, I’ll bet Obama knew about this. He was in town just the other day, probably schemin’ this whole thing up right under our noses,” Carruthers stated. Moore residents report that Carruthers has spent the
past 17 days on his dilapidated porch warning passersby of impending doom, indifferent to their beleaguered sensibilities. “I’m just going about my business, trying to fix the damage to my roof, and that old man just starts yelling at me about how ‘somethin’ bad’s just beyond the horizon,’” neighbor Jeanie Stinson said. “I don’t have time for this shit — I have a three-week-old hole in my roof the size of a cow.” “We still haven’t been able to get that smell out of my daughter’s room,” she added. Meteorologists, already under duress from the latest
catastrophe, are struggling to address the Hometown Buffet regular’s forecast of doom. “Not now. This is not the right time. Get the hell out of here. I have an actual job to do — what do you do? You just ask questions, questions that distract me from my work, which, I don’t know, might save some lives, asshole,” said one National Severe Storms Laboratory researcher, who threw a series of increasingly dangerous workplace projectiles in lieu of providing her name. Though some have written off Carruthers as a deranged drain on a city already under duress, others have shown more compassion. “Old man Carruthers — you know, I used to think of him as just some eccentric old dude, but I think at this point, he really needs help,” two-houses-over neighbor, little Stevie Bianca — who witnesses allege is “not so little anymore” — said. “To clarify, I’m not talking ‘help’ as in someone to check in and make sure he’s reading today’s paper and isn’t going to the abandoned Blockbuster building asking if that one guy finally returned ‘Hard Boiled.’ The guy needs legitimate, immediate medical attention,” he continued. Experts are still unsure of whether Carruthers remembers the tornado that ravaged the area in late May, leaving a statewide trail of destruction including the awning support beam that split in half and impaled Carruthers just between his upper and lower right leg, possibly resulting in his “knee all actin’ up” in the weeks following the storm.
TURKISH FACEBOOK TRIES SENSORY DEPRIVATION
SDSU STUDENTS TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD
Bachelorette party photos noticeably less incriminating.
“Too late,” say UCSD students.
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NEWS IN BRIEF ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH INTRODUCES PLUS-SIZE LINE: FLABBERCROMBIE Following backlash over comments made by Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Michael S. Jeffries about his company’s decision not to manufacture clothing for people who don’t have thigh gaps, Jeffries introduced a new line of clothes for people previously deemed unfit for his vision of the ideal human form. “Everyone should have a chance to feel fabulous and comfortable,” Jeffries stated. “Even if they aren’t exactly my brand’s target market of ‘cool’ and ‘beautiful.’ “Besides, these people
are buying a label called Flabbercrombie. Isn’t that humiliating?” he added. Flabbercrombie features similar fashions to Abercrombie’s other clothes, namely, striped tank tops, pastel shorts, and artfully torn jean shorts, but in “sizes that we had refused to acknowledge to exist.” Frequent Big and Tall customer Gary Garcia, 22, was pleased with the new Abercrombie summer line. “It’s great knowing that I can hate myself as much as other people who wear this brand,” he said.
MILLIONS OF CICADAS SWARM TO JENNY’S SWEET QUINCEAÑERA Following the recent announcement of Nashville cicada Jenny Rodriguez’s “Muy Muy Dulce Quinceañera,” millions of cicadas have begun to commute across the US to attend the anticipated celebration. This event will mark the fourth quinceañera for Jenny. “Quinceañeras are so fun,” gushed Rodriguez excitedly. “I think that means birthday, right? Admittedly, Tennessee does not provide the most cultured environment for delving into my Latin roots.” Sid Carmichael, a representative for the species, con-
firms that although 16 million members have answered “Going” on the online RSVP page, there are some of those who are still unaccounted for. “Yeah,” commented Sid. “Gary has to take his kid to that thing at his school ... apparently something involving a person who ‘SAT’ but I cannot confirm or deny that. He is kind of a flake but we will see.” Jenny’s parents, who have rented the local Elks Lodge as a venue for the event, have informed sources that they are concerned that they may not have bought a large enough cake for their guests.
C.S. MAJOR SEVERELY SUNBURNED AFTER 20-MINUTE JOURNEY OUTSIDE UCSD’s Thornton Hospital confirmed today that computer science major Dillon Sokorski was admitted to the hospital’s burn unit after suffering third degree sunburns while walking to York Hall from his Warren College apartment. Specialists assigned to Shokorski’s case theorized that the severity of his sunburns, despite the brevity of his journey outside, was likely due to the fact that he had spent most of the year in basement computer labs, only occasionally venturing to his apartment for food or sleep. Such a low amount of average sun exposure, combined with a nutrientpoor diet and a complexion his doctors described as “luminous,” made the
20-minute journey across campus equivalent to “a slow, 8-hour march across the Mojave desert” for a normal, healthy human. Sokorski’s case is not an isolated incident. Reports of what doctors at Thornton Hospital have termed “Computer Science Syndrome,” symptoms of which include sunburns, odd sleeping habits, and social skills that doctors can only describe as “pathetic,” have skyrocketed as enrollment in the major has increased. Indeed, the hospital’s newly opened Steven Wozniack Computer Science Ward filled up after just a week, prompting the department to designate the major as impacted in order to alleviate the hospital’s burden.