THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“You have to remember to chase and catch your dreams, because if you don’t, your imagination will live in empty spaces, and that’s nowhere land.” — Afton Burton, Charles Manson’s fiancée
Informal group therapy in written format.
December 10, 2014
Thousands Killed As Bloody War on Christmas Continues BY RILEY MALLORY
F
Editor-in-Chief
ighting in the continuing U.S. War on Christmas has now resulted in over 20,000 deaths since its start last November. Liberal forces, led by the Democratic Party and the Liberal Media, have lost ground in recent months to Conservative Forces, led by Fox News and the GOP. “Christmased” zones have formed in areas formerly held tightly by the secular left, a result, according to analysts, of liberals’ “scrawny, vegan frames.” Late “Movember,” Conservative Forces armed with holly rifles and missile-toe launchers began a new assault on the MSNBC building in New York. Reports indicate Rachel Maddow, head of the Liberal Army, escaped. For now, tanks draped with Christmas lights and bells patrol New York’s streets, and Bill O’Reilly sits on Maddow’s former throne. Though lacking firearms, Liberal Forces are not defenseless in this conflict. Drones
IN THIS ISSUE SERIAL KILLER ACTUALLY COP
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MR. SATAN GOES TO CONGRESS
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NEIGHBORHOOD HOLIDAY BLOCK PARTY
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PROPHET TRIES HIS HARDEST SANTA CHECKING PRIVILEGE LIST
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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD
“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are called thus unless they kill in large numbers and to the sounds of Christmas music.” —Voltaire emblazoned with “Happy Holidays” fly over the nation’s cities launching strikes on conservative military facilities and “just sort of stuff in general.” A strike on a market last
month took the lives of “eight maids a-milking, ten lords a-leaping,” and “two turtle doves.” “I just don’t see any solution better than the complete
removal of all religious iconography from society,” said Democratic Representative
See CHRISTMAS, page 2
Congress Breaks Space-Time Continuum, Does Less Than Nothing BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT AND KYLE TRUJILLO
Staff Writer and Design Editor
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ongress allegedly broke several laws of basic physics earlier this month, when an alteration in the space-time continuum allowed for less than nothing to be accomplished on Capitol Hill. After the midterm elections, political analysts predicted further stalemates and foot-dragging in Congress. No one, however, predicted that the fundamental laws of matter and energy were similarly compromised by congressional polarization. The 114th Congress is highly anticipated by scientists worldwide, as they wait to see if further physical collapse occurs. Scientists have requested a task force devoted to studying the warped space-time. The only problem is a lack of federal funding. Physicists have yet to receive a response to their request for congressional investment, so they are relying primarily on external funding. “Unhinging a building from space and time is amazing,” commented astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, one of the scientists now studying the break. “We have more questions than answers right now, but I think it’s safe to say that we Americans officially have the least functional lawmakers and laws of physics in the world.” The entire building seems to have transformed into what Tyson has termed a “temporal-spatial rift,” where bills, lobbyists, and Super PAC money can enter, but somehow never leave. Although the
Volume XXI Issue III
HILLARY CLINTON NOT NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT It was leaked to the Associated Press this past weekend that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is definitely, 100 percent, no doubt not not unrunning in the 2016 presidential election. “Well I’m not saying I’m not running, but that doesn’t mean I am running,” Clinton said at a press conference. “You know that cat with the box and that pianist from the Peanuts comics? It’s kind of like that.” 24 hour news channels critiqued the statements in each their own way. MSNBC called the event “enlightening” and is preparing to welcome the new world by throwing out their 2008 hand-painted portraits of Obama. Fox News heralded
the comments as “backwards” and labeled Clinton as an “aging grandmother afraid of our hometown favorite Jeb.” CNN hired a body language expert to predict Clinton’s intentions by the way she flipped her hair twothirds of the way through the press conference. At press time, Clinton’s representatives had not clarified the situation. They did, however, make a statement about the matter. “Listen guys, the real question isn’t whether or not Hillary is running,” explained Hillary’s manager Daniel Bane. “The real question is, will you give us enough money for her to run a successful campaign if she does happen to run?”
STUDY FINDS OTHER STUDIES SUBJECTIVE, A LITTLE ANNOYING
PHOTO BY ALEX SPINDLER
The House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology promptly denied that the singularity existed, dooming the Capitol. Department of Homeland Security has declared the situation “extremely dangerous,” physicists from across the globe have flocked to Washington to observe the unprecedented phenomenon. Congress promised to decide whether or not to fund the task force to figure out how to escape the temporal rift before their holiday starting Dec. 13, but as time inside the rift is apparently sliding backwards at uneven speeds, there was no sense of urgency. When scientists tried to explain that time was progressing normally outside the rift, Representative Phil Gingrey (R-GA) of the House Science Committee responded via email, “I think we need to take a look at where the funding for these time-space rift alarmists in the so-called scientific community is com-
ing from.” The research team also announced last week that they’d made contact with an intern in the Senate who is sending regular updates. “I’ve lost track. Days, years, subcommittees, they all blend together,” said the intern, who could no longer remember his/her own name. “How long has Marco Rubio been speaking? He was supposed to yield the podium after his third reading of Atlas Shrugged, but his water glass keeps refilling itself and he doesn’t need to piss anymore.” Upon studying increasingly cryptic responses from interns, many scientists based near the rift have become concerned for the wellbeing of the people inside. The last correspondence received from the nameless in-
tern, somehow dated May 23, 1877, was one garbled sentence: “the nations founders are here they Live wooden teeth wooden teeth.” Further efforts to contact the intern have produced no results, but the long-dead Thomas Jefferson seems to have miraculously traveled through a fracture in the continuum, and used an intern’s phone to create a twitter account under the username “sexyslavemasterTJ”. “@america determine never 2b idle no person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any,” Jefferson tweeted. Other tweets from the transtemporal account included memes and an obviously photoshopped picture of Speaker of the House John Boehner spinning a basketball on his finger.
INABILITY TO FIND LADDER BECOMES TRUST EXERCISE
LOCAL GEESE DISCOVER UBER
Inability to use good judgment to become hospital visits
Ride south isn’t all that bad if you pool your money
In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers claimed that several other studies were highly subjective in nature — both in experimental methods and the results. The report also deemed other studies “kind of annoying.” Researchers at UC Santa Barbara spent weeks compiling data from a wide variety of previously released studies. The results clearly show that in any given year, anywhere from 60 to 84 percent of studies published are entirely subjective. Similarly, 92 to 100 percent of the same studies were, in fact,
kind of annoying in nature. “Objectivity is of the utmost importance in scientific research,” commented Dr. Mark Agonmeyer, one of the study’s lead researchers. “Plus, no one can even take these studies seriously when they are so totally goddamned whiny and unprofessional all the time.” Dr. Agonmeyer also reported he expects to perform further studies to explore the subjective nature of scientific research as soon as Dr. Jennifer Nakamura from his department would stop “being lazy and wasting time on maternity leave” and would “turn in our grant proposal already.”
FRATERNITY PARTICIPATES IN PHILANTHROPY THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW As a way to signal that they really care about the rest of the world, members of fraternity Lambda Sigma Delta have made a pledge to promote charitable causes. They are pursuing this via the fourth-most popular frat activity — drinking, sports, and hazing having deemed inappropriate for the occasion — of posting on social media. Their temporary new motto is “Yours Could Be the Like, Share, Or Retweet That Changes Everything.” This is replacing their normal motto, “Our Lives Are Fun So Everything Must Be Great.”
Fraternity member Joseph Reynolds has so far posted 28 tweets that mention “the poor starving African children,” for which he has received great praise from his frat brothers. However, Ngozi Odenigbo, a Nigerian exchange student, has pointed out that she never, in fact, starved as a child. Reynolds was the second-most prolific poster, upstaged only by Nick Jenkins, who posted to date 63 pictures of people in wheelchairs.
See BRIEFS, page 11