The MQ Volume 21 Issue 3

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“You have to remember to chase and catch your dreams, because if you don’t, your imagination will live in empty spaces, and that’s nowhere land.”

— Afton Burton, Charles Manson’s fiancée

Informal group therapy in written format.

December 10, 2014

Thousands Killed As Bloody War on Christmas Continues

BY RILEY MALLORY

F

Editor-in-Chief

ighting in the continuing U.S. War on Christmas has now resulted in over 20,000 deaths since its start last November. Liberal forces, led by the Democratic Party and the Liberal Media, have lost ground in recent months to Conservative Forces, led by Fox News and the GOP. “Christmased” zones have formed in areas formerly held tightly by the secular left, a result, according to analysts, of liberals’ “scrawny, vegan frames.”

Late “Movember,” Conservative Forces armed with holly rifles and missile-toe launchers began a new assault on the MSNBC building in New York.

Reports indicate Rachel Maddow, head of the Liberal Army, escaped. For now, tanks draped with Christmas lights and bells patrol New York’s streets, and Bill O’Reilly sits on Maddow’s former throne.

Though lacking firearms, Liberal Forces are not defenseless in this conflict. Drones

IN THIS ISSUE SERIAL KILLER ACTUALLY COP

3

MR. SATAN GOES TO CONGRESS

5

NEIGHBORHOOD HOLIDAY BLOCK PARTY

6, 7 9

PROPHET TRIES HIS HARDEST SANTA CHECKING PRIVILEGE LIST

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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are called thus unless they kill in large numbers and to the sounds of Christmas music.” —Voltaire emblazoned with “Happy Holidays” fly over the nation’s cities launching strikes on conservative military facilities and “just sort of stuff in general.” A strike on a market last

month took the lives of “eight maids a-milking, ten lords a-leaping,” and “two turtle doves.”

“I just don’t see any solution better than the complete

removal of all religious iconography from society,” said Democratic Representative

See CHRISTMAS, page 2

Congress Breaks Space-Time Continuum, Does Less Than Nothing

BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT AND KYLE TRUJILLO

Staff Writer and Design Editor

C

ongress allegedly broke several laws of basic physics earlier this month, when an alteration in the space-time continuum allowed for less than nothing to be accomplished on Capitol Hill.

After the midterm elections, political analysts predicted further stalemates and foot-dragging in Congress.

No one, however, predicted that the fundamental laws of matter and energy were similarly compromised by congressional polarization. The 114th Congress is highly anticipated by scientists worldwide, as they wait to see if further physical collapse occurs.

Scientists have requested a task force devoted to studying the warped space-time.

The only problem is a lack of federal funding. Physicists have yet to receive a response to their request for congressional investment, so they are relying primarily on external funding.

“Unhinging a building from space and time is amazing,” commented astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, one of the scientists now studying the break. “We have more questions than answers right now, but I think it’s safe to say that we Americans officially have the least functional lawmakers and laws of physics in the world.”

The entire building seems to have transformed into what Tyson has termed a “temporal-spatial rift,” where bills, lobbyists, and Super PAC money can enter, but somehow never leave. Although the

Volume XXI Issue III

HILLARY CLINTON NOT NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT It was leaked to the Associated Press this past weekend that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is definitely, 100 percent, no doubt not not unrunning in the 2016 presidential election.

“Well I’m not saying I’m not running, but that doesn’t mean I am running,” Clinton said at a press conference.

“You know that cat with the box and that pianist from the Peanuts comics? It’s kind of like that.”

24 hour news channels critiqued the statements in each their own way. MSNBC called the event “enlightening” and is preparing to welcome the new world by throwing out their 2008 hand-painted portraits of Obama. Fox News heralded

the comments as “backwards” and labeled Clinton as an “aging grandmother afraid of our hometown favorite Jeb.” CNN hired a body language expert to predict Clinton’s intentions by the way she flipped her hair twothirds of the way through the press conference.

At press time, Clinton’s representatives had not clarified the situation. They did, however, make a statement about the matter.

“Listen guys, the real question isn’t whether or not Hillary is running,” explained Hillary’s manager Daniel Bane. “The real question is, will you give us enough money for her to run a successful campaign if she does happen to run?”

STUDY FINDS OTHER STUDIES SUBJECTIVE, A LITTLE ANNOYING

PHOTO BY ALEX SPINDLER

The House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology promptly denied that the singularity existed, dooming the Capitol.

Department of Homeland Security has declared the situation “extremely dangerous,” physicists from across the globe have flocked to Washington to observe the unprecedented phenomenon.

Congress promised to decide whether or not to fund the task force to figure out how to escape the temporal rift before their holiday starting Dec. 13, but as time inside the rift is apparently sliding backwards at uneven speeds, there was no sense of urgency. When scientists tried to explain that time was progressing normally outside the rift, Representative Phil Gingrey (R-GA) of the House Science Committee responded via email, “I think we need to take a look at where the funding for these time-space rift alarmists in the so-called scientific community is com-

ing from.”

The research team also announced last week that they’d made contact with an intern in the Senate who is sending regular updates.

“I’ve lost track. Days, years, subcommittees, they all blend together,” said the intern, who could no longer remember his/her own name.

“How long has Marco Rubio been speaking? He was supposed to yield the podium after his third reading of Atlas Shrugged, but his water glass keeps refilling itself and he doesn’t need to piss anymore.”

Upon studying increasingly cryptic responses from interns, many scientists based near the rift have become concerned for the wellbeing of the people inside.

The last correspondence received from the nameless in-

tern, somehow dated May 23, 1877, was one garbled sentence: “the nations founders are here they Live wooden teeth wooden teeth.”

Further efforts to contact the intern have produced no results, but the long-dead Thomas Jefferson seems to have miraculously traveled through a fracture in the continuum, and used an intern’s phone to create a twitter account under the username “sexyslavemasterTJ”. “@america determine never 2b idle no person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any,” Jefferson tweeted.

Other tweets from the transtemporal account included memes and an obviously photoshopped picture of Speaker of the House John Boehner spinning a basketball on his finger.

INABILITY TO FIND LADDER BECOMES TRUST EXERCISE

LOCAL GEESE DISCOVER UBER

Inability to use good judgment to become hospital visits

Ride south isn’t all that bad if you pool your money

In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers claimed that several other studies were highly subjective in nature — both in experimental methods and the results. The report also deemed other studies “kind of annoying.”

Researchers at UC Santa Barbara spent weeks compiling data from a wide variety of previously released studies. The results clearly show that in any given year, anywhere from 60 to 84 percent of studies published are entirely subjective. Similarly, 92 to 100 percent of the same studies were, in fact,

kind of annoying in nature.

“Objectivity is of the utmost importance in scientific research,” commented Dr. Mark Agonmeyer, one of the study’s lead researchers. “Plus, no one can even take these studies seriously when they are so totally goddamned whiny and unprofessional all the time.”

Dr. Agonmeyer also reported he expects to perform further studies to explore the subjective nature of scientific research as soon as Dr. Jennifer Nakamura from his department would stop “being lazy and wasting time on maternity leave” and would “turn in our grant proposal already.”

FRATERNITY PARTICIPATES IN PHILANTHROPY THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW As a way to signal that they really care about the rest of the world, members of fraternity Lambda Sigma Delta have made a pledge to promote charitable causes.

They are pursuing this via the fourth-most popular frat activity — drinking, sports, and hazing having deemed inappropriate for the occasion — of posting on social media. Their temporary new motto is “Yours Could Be the Like, Share, Or Retweet That Changes Everything.” This is replacing their normal motto, “Our Lives Are Fun So Everything Must Be Great.”

Fraternity member Joseph Reynolds has so far posted 28 tweets that mention “the poor starving African children,” for which he has received great praise from his frat brothers. However, Ngozi Odenigbo, a Nigerian exchange student, has pointed out that she never, in fact, starved as a child. Reynolds was the second-most prolific poster, upstaged only by Nick Jenkins, who posted to date 63 pictures of people in wheelchairs.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

December 10, 2014

Silicon Valley Splits from CA Anyway; “Try and Stop Us”

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS AND SORA CHEE

“Soon they shall know my name,” said King Page, mother of dragons and first born king of his name.

BY JAZ TWERSKY Staff Writer

S

ilicon Valley announced early last week that they have split off from the United States of America, effective immediately, to form their own nation, and now reside in “THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!!”

“That’s with five ‘R’s’ and six exclamation points,” explained THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!!’s new High Overlord of Awesomeness Larry Page. “We crowdsourced the name. This was the will of the people.”

He announced this in the official Proclamation of Independence, which went up on Youtube last night and has already gone viral. The choice of format meant it was impossible to ask any questions of him directly, although the commenters tried valiantly, with such queries as “Duuuude, srsly?” and “We r gonna b THE BEST CUNTRY (sic) EVEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! (sic), amiright? ;)” and “But what are the rest

of us supposed to do???”

That last question, from user ilovecali2014, can be surmised to be from a nonresident of the new country, although ilovecali2014 could not be reached for further comment. A link to the proclamation can be found in the day’s Google Doodle, which honors THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!!’s first Independence Day by asking users “Which country is the best country?” and providing a drop down menu. If any other country is selected, users are scolded on their inability to recognize a simple tautology and punished by being locked out of Google for 24 hours and forced into that cruel exile which is other search engines.

The new citizens of THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!! have mostly reacted in a positive manner to their surprise statehood.

“It’s great,” enthused local Jose “Headset” Reynolds.

“We’ll be able to set our own immigration policies, so we

won’t have to keep taking in refugees from places like Los Angeles and Texas.” ”This is a pretty good start,” agreed fellow Silicon Valley resident Jason Tarson. “It’s the beta stage, you know? We figure it all out here, and then, you know…” he trailed off, winking.

The status of THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!!’s army remains unclear, but there are reports of droids stationed on all major roads, and satellite images exist that support those reports. These humanoid robots sport various company logos, but all bear a strong resemblance to all the others. The Apple ones have more rounded shoulders than the others, and merely remained at their posts. The Linux droids, however, seem to have encountered some glitches.

These were stationed along El Camino Real, but at last count, two were marching stiffly up and down the road, one was jerking erratically in the middle of the road, one

was following a biker down the road, and five had wandered into the surrounding neighborhoods. Pictures of these droids are all over Facebook and Tumblr, which have both been nominated to be the official news release sites for THE BEST COUNTRY EVERRRRR!!!!!!.

Apple released an official statement about the move, but no one has bothered to read it, as all Apple products are made in foreign countries as it is.

The rest of California has been decidedly negative about the formation of the new country. The hashtag “#nodontgo” began trending within a day after the announcement, but Twitter says the company is “excited by the potential of [their] new fatherland.”

“First the national elections, now this? How much am I expected to put up with?” a harried Jerry Brown reportedly screamed at his staff upon hearing the news of the split.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Christmas

Ted Andrews. “How can one not be sickened to the core at the sight of wreaths?”

Tensions within American society over the Christmas holiday culminated in fullscale armed conflict over footage released on the Internet in late 2013. What appeared to be security footage from a business across the street showed a group of figures in black destroying a family’s nativity scene with Molotov cocktails and crowbars.

An older man, identified in the description as “Stevens (conservative),” emerged from the house armed with a shotgun. Fearing for his family safety, he opened fire. The video shows Stevens standing over the last living assailant.

Stevens can be heard saying, “You know, they tell me the Bible says ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill,’” as he cocked his shotgun, “But I’ve never been much for readin’.”

While the video was revealed to be a trailer for the straight-to-DVD British holiday thriller “12 Bloody Days of Bloody Christmas,” it nonetheless sparked pre-existing tensions. Both liberals and conservatives found the actions depicted by the opposing party reprehensible.

Liberal pundits called the use of lethal force by the homeowner abhorrent, and called guns “overall icky.” Meanwhile, conservatives lamented the attack on religious freedom, specifically Christian freedom,

and the reckless disregard for human life.

Outside the U.S., journalists point to the War on Christmas as part of a broader trend of tribalism and jingoism within American culture.

“You have to understand the people we’re dealing with,” said BBC Correspondent Matthew Free. “This is the only lens through which they can understand the world. They declare war on inanimate objects and on intellectual concepts. They deal with their addiction crisis with a ‘war’ on drugs, they deal with hatred abroad with a ‘war’ on terrorism.

“They’ve declared a war on poverty, as if you could kick in poverty’s door in the middle of the night, drag it out into the street, and shoot it in the back of the head in front of its family. Is it any surprise that they make some mild religious tension into a war?”

The conflict over Christmas thus far shows no signs of ending. This distinguishes it from many conflicts of recent years, including the War on Kale, the Dairy Wars, and the Conflict Over What-Exactly-the-End-ofInception-Was-Supposed-ToMean, which all quickly came to an end as Americans were distracted by the development of some new conflict.

The War on Christmas as of yet shows no sign of ceasing, “much like this rash,” said Democratic Newscaster Jeremy Ivans.

“Oh god, is this mic on?”

Self Ad.

We put the “fun” in “fundamental religious extremism.”

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief.............................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Design Editor.................................Kyle Trujillo Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee

Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad..........................................Sora Chee Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Evvan Burke Andrew Buss Corina Cadiz Romelle Canonizado Angelique De Castro Wesley Chan

Blake Erhardt Dylan Everingham Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride Shruti Khandai Kayle Kvinge David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin

Uma Mahto Tracy McDowell Drew Nguyen Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Kendra Quinlan Hannah Rosenblatt

Brian Seibert Anthony Showalter Alex Spindler Samantha Stevens Luke Tribble Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kayle Wang Jen Windsor

Booster Club Greetings from The Bahamas, wish you were here.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2014 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. It’s looking like another relatively early night, which thrills me entirely. I’m incredibly impressed with what we have accomplished in these last few months of working together. On top of that, I am incredibly excited with the potential next generation of people we have. I feel like some sort of spore, reproducing by asexual division, or a married couple producing 2.2 young in order to replace ourselves. Either way, I’m excited, and a little aroused.

Thank you to Andrew for picking up the traditional water, bananas, and soda. Thank you to Natalie for bringing coffee and snacks because other people didn’t finish them. Thank you to Kat for bringing apples.

Thanks a lot to Barak and Jen for bringing us pizza from Domino’s for some reason. I’m still suspicious of their intentions. Thank you Jen for bringing Oreos. Thank you to Garrett for bringing veggie chips and animal crackers. Thank you to the snake god Ashlamar, for letting us live one more day.

theMQ.org

December 10, 2014

Page 3

Study Finds Homeless Actually Hungry Year-Round

Local Serial Killer Revealed To Be Cop All Along

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“You have the right to remain silent … forever,” said Jameson as he threw his calling card onto the not quite-yet-cold body.

BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

Staff Writer n a commemoration ceremony for service and valor, the local city Police Department recognized Deputy Chief Ryan Jameson as the murderer of 11 local teens and 27 adults — mostly African American men minding their own business — over the past 15 years.

The ceremony, held last Friday, honored Jameson’s service and bravery, showcasing and lauding his department famous motto, “When in Doubt, Gun Comes Out.” At the ceremony, Police Chief Joseph Marks applauded Jameson’s many accomplishments. “Not only does he have the highest kill rate amongst our officers, but his non-fatal injury numbers and arrests also exceed all expectations, especially in poor and minority-filled neighborhoods,” said Chief Joseph Marles. “He is our best man for stopping crime before it even begins.”

Jameson’s career did not begin with such rates of success — he began as a regular officer, with mostly standard arrests and bookings. It was only after he personally felt the consequences of crime that he decided to become such an effective officer.

“My brother was chased, beaten, and robbed by a junkie,” he explained. “That day I knew the pain that so many people could one day face from criminal activity, so I decided to prevent it from ever happening to them or their loved ones.

That’s why I’m so proactive in

I PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“What are you making eyes at me for? It’s not feeding time yet,” said this customer as he moved his chocolate croissant and hazelnut latte to the other side of the table. of the well-known scientific “But after that, life goes understanding of citizens’

BY KATHERINE WOOD

A

Graphics Editor

recent study from the University of Maryland, Baltimore concluded that homeless individuals experience hunger year-round instead of just during the months of November and December, as was previously believed.

The revolutionary study conducted interviews among the Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York homeless populations, breaking the established scientific precedent of quoting outdated studies and interviewing “regular” citizens about the problems homeless people face.

The current study worked with previously unused data points and came to conclusions now facing mild controversy. Critics claim that such practices are “misled, because homeless people aren’t educated enough to function as a source of reliable information,” “a betrayal

method,” referring to the study’s nontraditional datacollecting processes, and “not fair!”

“Well, ‘homeless’ means they just don’t have a kitchen to collect their food in. It doesn’t mean they’re hungry, per se, and everyone we interviewed thinks they aren’t, so...” concluded a 2007 study from Columbia University that many are quoting to fight the new study.

“I’m amazed they had the attention span to continue this study for an entire year, honestly,” said local homeowner Herman Shaw.

“I understand considering the homeless during November and December because that’s when you’re supposed to think about doing nice things for other people, especially those who aren’t enveloped in your bliss of feasting, work vacations, and preparing for quasi-religious material accumulation.

back to normal and the homeless don’t seem as interesting when my personal life is no longer a strong contrast to their standard of living,” Shaw concluded before heading to dinner at Le Bistro with his daughter after she got off work.

Given the study’s conclusion that hunger is a year-round and long-term issue for the homeless, the research team noted in a press conference that they were still exploring how the findings would impact current practices. One of the few predictions offered was that canned food drives might be “a teensy bit” modified longterm.

“Right now we’ve pinpointed a few possible ways to shift the focus of food donation from two winter months to more of a throughout-the-year type thing,” said Jaime Alvarez, team member. “With our

motivations, we think people would conceivably donate food two more times a year if those events got them a day off work.”

“I mean, if I got a three day weekend so I could donate a can to someone, I’d probably do it,” said a conference attendee. “But, like, only if I get that Monday off and my kid doesn’t.”

Lead Researcher Kalia Lauj also noted that “other likely possibilities included opening a can and donating a third of it three times a year, but we think the most helpful policy would be having an extra Thanksgiving in spring and another Christmas in late summer. We believe this would inspire our audience to donate food because they feel compassion when ceremoniously eating while others can’t get a regular meal, or to earn more gifts from a reindeer-accompanied, omniscient benefactor.”

The MQ’s Assembly Instructions for the Sëmonundtgärfunkle

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my approach.

“I never regret what I do.

Some people question my methods, but I just think to myself, ‘That person I killed may have killed someone else, so I’m really saving a life.’”

Many of the other officers shared Jameson’s opinion, saying that the city is safer for them when they can act without question or repercussion.

Many admitted that their reasons for joining the police force were not purely altruistic, and a group was exchanging arrest stories in which the prevailing reasons for arrest were more arbitrary than lawful.

However, many citizens attending the ceremony did not share the positive view of Jameson’s career and rallied in protest outside of the station in which the ceremony was held. The protesters were holding signs and banners such as “Check Your Facts Before You Act,” “Guns Aren’t Fun for Everyone,” “Killing a Child Should be Reviled,” and “Cops Aren’t Judge, Jury, and Execution — Though it Doesn’t Matter Because the Whole System Creates Different Racial Outcomes.”

However, the protesting only lasted for 20 minutes before police in full riot gear arrived on site and threatened to shoot anyone who did not leave immediately. When asked why they could do this, one officer said, “You don’t have first amendment rights when your words question the law,” as he confiscated and shot the reporting party’s recording gear.

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theMQ.org

December 10, 2014

Family Struggles To Buy a House with Your Prayers

EDITORIAL

“Downton Abbey” Picked Up for Sixth Season, but It’s Not Like I Care Anyway

BY TYLER GRIFFIN

L PHOTO BY ALEX SPINDLER

“Five more prayer points and I get upgraded to ‘Charity Expert’ and get $5 credited to my Starbucks account,” the photographer said, hiding from real issues by obscuring them with the ideas of religious goodwill.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN Publicity Chair

T

he Henderson family, the ones whose house foreclosed last week, have reported that they’ve been unable to purchase another home despite receiving the generous donation of your “thoughts and prayers” over Facebook. Both Gerald and Lisa Henderson reported that your thoughts and prayers weren’t nearly as valuable as you implied in your Facebook post last Thursday when they attempted to purchase a home using your well-wishes as currency.

The family began to fall on hard times in early 2014 when Gerald took out a second mortgage on his home to pay off longstanding credit card bills. Soon after, however, Gerald was forced to take on a second job as a manager at Popeye’s Chicken in order to make payments. During

these times, Gerald worked upwards of 70 hours a week, sometimes only sleeping three or four hours a night.

“I thought that the first time you told us that you were thinking of us meant it was all gonna be OK, and I was so relieved,” said Gerald.

“But when I quit my fast food job and went back to only being a veterinary technician, I guess some paperwork got messed up, because the people at the mortgage office thought we still needed to be making payments.”

Unbeknownst to the Henderson family, they accrued thousands of dollars of debt for unpaid mortgage installments, until the bank foreclosed on their home in early November.

“When I got the letter, I was like ‘whoa,’” said Gerald.

“I called them right away and told them that my friend had said he was thinking about us, but the bankers didn’t

listen!” he said, shaking his head. “I guess maybe they couldn’t understand me over the static of the payphone I was using, and I ran out of quarters before I could mention the part about always being in your heart.”

“Times looked grim,” said the family, as Gerald, Lisa, and their four children moved into a two-bed motel room. Their fortunes seemed to change, however, when the family asked to stay temporarily at a friend or family member’s house over Facebook.

“We were so relieved when you replied that we had not just your thoughts, but your prayers too,” commented Lisa. “I mean, borrowing one of your three guest rooms in your 3,000 square foot basement would have been nice too, but, I mean, we didn’t want to intrude on your Christmas party. We knew you were praying for us, and if God was in the picture, we

definitely wouldn’t have to declare bankruptcy.”

However, according to Mrs. Henderson, “your” prayers did not suffice in place of a down payment on the condominium the family had chosen. In one afternoon, three different local banks denied their loan application.

At the final bank, the family had to be escorted out of the building after an altercation with a bank teller.

“I was flabbergasted,” commented Lisa Henderson.

“We had the paperwork all filled out, but when we took it to the bank, they told us that your thoughts and prayers weren’t enough to buy a house. Are you sure you actually prayed for us?

“Man, that guy didn’t know anything. He said we were bankrupt? Well, I told him he was the one who was bankrupt,” smirked Gerald to the bank security guard.

“Spiritually, that is.”

Starbucks Drives up Prices of Iced Coffee as Seasonal Drink

Avid #TeamBlake-r

ast Thursday, at 10:33 p.m.

PST exactly, “Downton Abbey” announced that it would be continuing with a sixth season. But honestly, who gives a shit?

I certainly don’t. Who even likes that stupid show? It’s more like “Downton Crappy,” am I right? Please don’t tell Julian Fellows I said that.

I mean, sure I could tell you what I was doing at the exact moment when it happened. I was sitting down for my usual late-night bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, scrolling through my Instagram feed, and, lo and behold, @ d ow n t o n a b b e y _ o f f i c i a l posted a photo of the entire cast with a caption that read, “Friends, #TeamServants have such wonderful news to share with you all! #Downton #DowntonAbbey #News #Season6.” Now, I know what you’re thinking. A person like me would have done the following, in order: put down my bowl of cereal, jumped for joy, called everyone I know to tell them, and then called my mom long distance and talked to her for hours about how this season is going to literally transform my life. I hate to disappoint you, but absolutely none of that happened. I swear, on my life! Don’t believe me? I, Tyler Griffin, did not perform any of the aforemen-

tioned activities, and if I am lying, may God strike me with lightning.

That was weird … guys, I think my house just shorted.

Damn, that’s like the second time this year that I’ll have to have the electrician here. Anyway, back to Downton.

This announcement comes in the wake of what should be a brilliant end to the fifth season. But, of course, I wouldn’t know because I live in America. What started out to be the land of dreams is now, what many would call, the land of nightmares, as we have to wait an entire four months longer to see the newest season than those who dwell in the UK. But I am not one of those people.

I DO NOT scream into my pillow every time I think about how I’m missing out on the new season.

Predictions? If you insist…

One of the sorriest excuses for a story line was Anna’s insane Season 4 assault, and the subsequent deterioration of her relationship with the oncelovable Bates, a character now wrought with anger and resent. Guys, I will laugh so hard if Fellows tries to bring up that thread in Season 6. Honestly.

And definitely not out of joy, because that story was NOT riveting and DID NOT keep me up at night thinking about the deeper implications of life itself. Those of you out there who hope that that knot is tied (and it cripples me to think that those people exist), I’m praying for you.

And don’t even get me started on Lady Mary choosing between Charles Blake and that other boring guy… #teamblake for life! NOT! Haha, who doesn’t love a good “NOT!” joke?

I laugh in the face of anyone who actually cares about this show. And now I’m off to kayak.com to search for flight tickets to England. Goodbye.

TOP FIFTEEN

Little-Known Reasons Why the UC Regents are Raising Tuition

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“I mean, they love Coca-Cola. Isn’t this just a natural step up?” asked Hope in response to criticism leveled against the potential toxicity of coffee for polar bears.

BY UMA MAHTO

T

Staff Writer

he infamous Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, a favorite among many young American girls and women, has been scrapped in favor of a new trend: iced coffee. Starbucks has released a new slogan for their iced coffee campaign, and last Tuesday, they increased the prices of the popular drink by 75 cents for each size, stating that, with the advent of winter, the drink had become a novelty.

"It's the cold, snowy winter season," said local Marketing Manager Peter Clark.

"Iced coffee is no longer a mere commodity; it has been elevated to the status of a seasonal drink.”

While the heads of Starbucks and their loyal consumer base may feel this way, there are still others who disagree.

“I don’t really get the difference between Starbucks

iced coffee now and iced coffee then or anywhere else,” said Velma Dinkley, a third-year student at UCSD visiting at the Sensible Consumer Convention. Shortly after her comments, Dinkley was removed from her sorority, Alpha Beta Gamma, and received a number of threatening letters smelling faintly of Chanel No. 5 and Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue.

Starbucks has issued statements explaining that their iced coffee is very different from traditional iced coffee made at home or even the previously offered iced coffee in Starbucks stores.

The ice is being imported from the Appalachians and the coffee mix has a “special something” added to it, according to the latest reports in Coffee Addicts Newsletter.

“We hope to patent iced coffee and gain exclusive rights towards the sale of iced coffee globally,” said spokesperson Cathy King. “Everyone wants Starbucks world domi-

nation. Look at social media!”

Seattle is already underway for the Starbucks world capital. With express lanes for highly valued customers on highways to Starbucks apparel stores and themed coffee carnivals planned for the next year, the city is planning to undergo a white and green renovation to be completed by 2016. The gradual removal of Coffee Bean and Java City will start next spring. Fines for drinking coffee that isn’t under the Starbucks trademark will be issued around the same time.

After releasing statements regarding their plans for world domination, Starbucks also unveiled a new cup design for their winter iced coffee sales. All else the same, the Starbucks siren is seen holding a cup of coffee in her hands with text around the cup and above the logo, “My iced coffee is from.” Customer satisfaction and ratings have risen with the introduction of the new cup design, as

well as prices.

“Driving up prices is completely justified,” said Managing Executive Megan Hope.

“It’s the simple economics of supply and demand.”

While a small fraction of consumers have switched over to Dunkin’ Donuts and Java City for their daily dose of caffeine, acting as ideal consumers would in a perfect market, the rise in prices has yet to deter the loyal Starbucks consumer base away.

In fact, sales of iced coffee have risen by 200 percent after having been declared the hottest new seasonal drink of winter. Hot chocolate and peppermint mocha trailed behind by three percent and .05 percent, respectively.

After releasing their latest slogan for the drink, “The coolest drink and must-have of the season: Iced Coffee. No longer just iced coffee, but Iced Coffee,” Starbucks has made it clear that only the coolest people will be buying their iced coffee this season.

15. An inverse relationship with the drought 14. We’re going to go to war with the CSUs 13. Napolitano’s running out of $100 bills to use as toilet paper and she isn’t going to use $20 bills like a commoner 12. Administration-wide heroin addiction 11. To get a second ferris wheel at Hullabaloo 10. They need to compete with the quality education of the University of Phoenix 9. “Don’t worry, it’ll trickle down” 8. They need money to buy the final railroad space 7. Needed for allocating grants to students who won’t be able to afford the new tuition 6. To start the UC Extension timeshare program 5. They’re preparing themselves for the class warfare they’ve inadvertently begun 4. Part of a study to discover how apathetic STEM majors actually are 3. Napolitano’s in deep, and the cartel isn’t fucking around anymore 2. Their father told the king that they could spin straw into gold, and it’s either this or their only child 1. They’re trying to pay for the ever-rising cost of their kids’ college

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Target Announces Plan To Market Innovative Leg Strainers

The MQ Presents: A One-on-One with

Satan about His

Next Two Years in Congress

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“With this marvelous new product, you could piss on my leg, or it could be raining. I wouldn’t know the difference,” said Target CEO Dave Mattingly.

BRANDON EHLERT

Distribution Captain uring Target Corporation’s annual sales conference in Minneapolis, Target CEO Dave Mattingly unveiled Leg Strainers, the newest product to hit shelves across the nation come January. Mattingly explained that the product is “fashionable and functional, and somehow reminiscent of an old classic,” appealing to a wide range of consumers.

The product consists of thin elastic ropes, intertwined to form mesh. Nickel-sized diamonds of empty space characterize the majority of the item’s surface area.

“The purpose of my Leg Strainers is simple: to quickly and efficiently dry the leg, while simultaneously keeping all the parts of the leg together and separate from the liquid being drained,”

D

designer Josh Wheatley explained. “Leg Strainers can be applied to almost any wet situation: they can be worn in rainy weather, the shower, while working in the kitchen, or at a beach or pool day. Leg Strainers minimize the need for conventional towel drying, as they drain the water from your legs without any additional application of manual pressure or terry-cloth. Unfortunately, we’re still working on re-incorporating whimsical animal designs on the children’s models.”

When asked how he got the idea for the Leg Strainers, Wheatley said he was inspired by a pre-existing product.

“I took my wife to Ross one day, and as we walked down the aisles, a product caught my attention. I thought to myself, ‘there is no way one could ever catch anything in these tiny nets!’”

Wheatley went on to say that each generation of his family had been skilled in fishing, and that “even the most experienced in the business would find those nets dreadfully small.” However, Wheatley saw an opportunity for improvement.

“Where one idiot failed to make ‘fish nets’ that would do their job, I saw an opportunity to revitalize and redefine an entire industry,” he said.

Target’s product testing department has been running trials on Leg Strainers for the past six months.

“Almost every test subject responded with high praise, lauding the Strainers’ efficiency in drying and simplicity to use,” said Mattingly, adding that the company has decided to double its current order based on projected sales models. “Many of the users said they felt ‘fashion-

able,’ even ‘surprisingly sexy,’ wearing the Leg Strainers.”

Lydia Strong, one of the first people to have tested the product, explained in an interview how the Leg Strainers “transformed her life.”

“As a midwife, I find myself in a lot of damp situations in which it’s hard to find time to towel dry. With the Leg Strainers, I don’t even have to think about drying off.” Strong went on to explain that not only are the strainers functional, but that her husband requested that she wear them to bed more often, saying they make her legs look great.

As the holiday season approaches and shoppers begin to search for gifts to give, Target hopes that Leg Strainer sales skyrocket. The company hopes the slogan, “Don’t strain yourself, Strain yourself!” will increase sales.

Local Jewish Mother Guilt Trips Schools into Celebrating Hannukah

O.M.G. Guys, Satan, Dark Lord, and Master of All That Is Evil, has FINALLY made a comeback on the mortal plane.

It’s your girl Hrel-Goth, the big HG, here with an exclusive interview with everyone’s favorite fallen angel.

After a six-year incubation period in the fiery depths of the Field of Lost Souls, Satan has made a reappearance in the human realm. After Satan’s HUGE flop in the 2008 election, and even earlier in the war with our Thought-Slave Creator at the start of days, The Dark One is no stranger to controversy and public feuds. But Beelzebub’s hoping to change all that with his newest project: the American Congress.

Hrel-Goth: So, Satan, it seems like it’s been a while since mortals have seen your face this side of the Afterlife. Were you taking a power-slumber, or working behind the scenes?

Satan: (laughs) A little bit of both, really. I needed some time to unwind and relax in the River of Unwashed Tears, but I’m not the kind of person who rests easy. Even as I was floating through Hell’s famous lagoon of boiling excrement, I was planning on my next move.

HG: Honey, we all need a mud bath from time to time!

So then, why Congress?

S: It certainly seems like there’s enough pestilence and famine going on, but I realized that to really do some damage, we have to take away the things holding humans together, like organization and human decency. So, I went to campaign for the Republican Party to be sure that when the United States needs a functioning, clear-headed government to make quick decisions, they’re instead met with pointless conversations about gun control, birth control, basically anything ancillary and distracting so that corporations can absorb the remainder of the United States’ wealth without anyone noticing.

HG: You mentioned ‘big plans,’ O Fallen One. Do I smell an apocalypse coming?

S: (chuckles, rips goat in half) I’m not gonna answer that one yet. Let’s just say I’m pretty jazzed about the next two years in Congress.

HG: I, for one, am excited to see what you have in store.

Any hints for what’s next?

S: Well, I can say that you can expect things to get a lot more kooky in Washington. After we repeal every law that helps any non-billionaire access basic human needs, we’re going to start criminalizing everything. Books, cars, sex, food — I even have a Virginian senator working on a bill to criminalize laws! Nothing is off the table for this Congress. And then after that, we’ll get to replacing all water supplies with the blood of virgin swine, and replacing all meat with maggot-loaf!

HG: Yummy! Well, Insidious Defouler of All Things Pure, looks like we’re just about done here. Anyone you’d like to thank for your recent success?

S: I’d like to give a shoutout to my fans, my thousands of half-human concubines, and of course, all of the beautiful Americans who felt it unnecessary to provide the bare minimum to a functioning democratic system by voting.

These next two years are for you!

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

The day ended with three kindergarteners in the principal’s office after swallowing quarters they thought were chocolate-filled.

BY OMRI LEVIA

Staff Writer La Jolla mother has rocked the local educational bureaucracy after heavily campaigning for the celebration of Hannukah in schools. The mother, Rachel Bloomsblat, along with her coalition group “Mothers for Moishe,” has led a continual assault on district leaders in the area. Although unsuccessful as of yet, educational authority figures have been forced to second-guess educational policies that have been in place for years.

Bloomsblat has stated that her agenda originated when her son was forced to mail a letter to Santa in his kindergarten class. Bloomsblat’s political agenda is found on her public blog, “Mothers Inclined for Equal Learning,” or MIEL. Bloomsblat explained that it has since been

A

changed to MILF because it rolls off the tongue more.

In an angrily written public statement posted to Bloomsblat’s blog, she writes, “Oh, the Goys, Moishe, they’ll never understand, the Goys have been pushing their religions on us for so many years, why shouldn’t the Jews get a chance?” Thousands of Jewish mothers sent in calls and emails to District Superintendent Dick Hardblock, citing their distaste in the school’s inclusion of Christian traditions following Bloomsblat’s lead.

“This Hardblock,” continued Bloomsblat, “he never calls back, never writes me, it’s like he doesn’t care anymore. Fine, just have your traditions and your fun Santy Clause and leave all us mothers here to worry about you.”

Certain sources claim that Hardblock remained in his

office away from public view following Bloomsblat’s blog posts, and was “too embarrassed to come out.”

Kindergarten teacher Karen Stiles has claimed innocence in the matter.

“Lighthearted Christmas traditions have been in schools for years,” said Stiles. “We’ve never included Jewish traditions because the students find it too culturally shocking.

“There aren’t even any Jewish students in my class, are there?” Stiles asked, glancing over the raised hand of one Ephraim Goldberg.

One study reported that the route many teachers seem to resort to during the holiday season is to use “cookie cutter holiday activities” and let the Jewish students “ride it out” until winter break.

“I puke every time I have to do a Christmas-themed word search,” said eighth

grader Shlomo Ben David, the second son of Rachel Bloomsblat. “I really wish I didn’t have to go to Hebrew school this Saturday but my mom is going to make me anyway.”

Indeed, it appears that elementary schools are particularly adamant of keeping their reportedly “vomitinducing” holiday season trope and plan on “burying it in the students’ throats until they can’t wait to suffocate,” as stated by Superintendent Hardblock.

As for the Jewish kids who have to “ride out” the religious appropriation in school, it seems that this year they will have to settle for learning about the Holocaust again in Hebrew school and then waiting eagerly for the highly anticipated four-hour-long High Holiday services.

Problems Easily Solved with Glue 10. When you don’t have enough milk 9. Commitment problems 8. “I have all of these horse corpses, and I have no idea what to do with them!”

7. Unglazed donuts 6. When you’re trapped in a kindergarten classroom and have nothing to eat 5. When you need to pray more and masturbate less 4. Fake semen for your low-budget porno 3. Making sure this infant doesn’t go anywhere while you take a smoke break 2. When you want a nice “action figure” sheen to your face 1. Non-conjoined twins

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MQ

PresEnts: Your Neighborhood’s Holiday Block Party

The Banquet Breakdown:

Three bottles of “mommy juice”

Kraft Mac & Cheese Since Shelley learned to cook in college

Party Tray This guy definitely just git at 7-11 on his way here

Matzah: someone trying but not doing well with cultural inclusion the raw meat that was brought before they remembered bbq’s are a summer thing

Three different variations on potato salad

FAMILY Dynamics Mrs. Johnson saw that Mrs. Stuart wasn’t wearing her wedding band anymore and is currently telling everyone about it while stuffing the turkey

Starting mid November, Chad walks around with a sprig of mistletoe hanging from his belly button

The Johnsons are known locally as the one family that always brings poinsettias and five-dollar wine. They are the carollers of the neighborhood, spreading cheer and ignorance of rape culture singing “Baby it’s Cold Outside.”

This year marks the 15th year that the Johnson kids will reenact that cute childhood photo, although it’ll be significantly harder this year, now that Fred is no longer with us.

Watch out, he starts to talk about 9/11 when he gets drunk

Mr. Stuart making accusatory eyes at his son who brought home an “alternative girlfriend.”

Son didn’t bring anything to the change because “capitalism is so

The Stuarts were related to the family who started the block party back in ‘27 and won’t let anyone forget it. The $20 limit on white elephant gifts usually “slips their minds,” making everyone else feel like shit about what they bring.

However, not all is sunshine and fine wine for these Park Place royals. Mr. and Mrs. Stuart will spend most of the night attempting civil conversation — despite the impending divorce — for the sake of the kids, but will fail miserably.

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Ah, welcome back to your neighborhood’s yearly holiday block party. Look at how everyone’s grown, wrinkled. The party started in 1827 when the neighborhood had to come back together to heal after a brief foray into cannibalism during one particularly cold winter. But how to navigate the minefield of scars, conflicts, and memories of awkward sexual development that haunt you to this day? Don’t worry my beautiful winter star,

Overheard: Can you match the quotes with the personalities?

A

Returning College Student B 30-Something Creepy Guy C Rockin’ Grandma

D Drunk Uncle

1 - “No, but where are you from?”

2 - “You see that window with the Transformer’s curtains?

There’s a twin bed in there with our name on it.”

3 - “Well, the thing you tend to forget is that these are mostly black-on-black crimes.”

4 - In response to“Hey Grandma, your pie is really good; it’s just like the one from Ralphs”: “Hey Laura, how about you shut the fuck up?”

5 - In response to “Grandma, can you change the music? I don’t like death metal”: “Hey Laura, how about you shut the fuck up?”

6 - “So, what do you say about you and I getting out of here…

Oh, you’re the Franklin’s kid, my have you grown.”

7 - In reference to ham: “Have you tried juicing? I’m gonna juice this” 8 - “Are these bacon wrapped hot dogs kosher?”

9 - The sound of college students texting their friends from school.

Area Shiksa Mr. Soibel has not really grasped the importance of the relationship of his daughter’s “friend” Sharon, but they seem really close white elephant exbullshit right now.”

Ethan Soibel and Stephanie Stuart meet each other again after 10 years and suddenly remembered they used to take baths together

The Soibels have a rich history of traditions in the neighborhood, mostly gleaned from Mr. and Mrs. Soibel’s annual rewatching of “Fiddler on the Roof.” Ethan, their son, also embraces “TRADITION” by getting his game of dreidel annually stepped on by his older sister Jennifer.

At the block party, the Soibels’ favorite thing to do is respond to their neighbors asking why Hannukah moves around every year.

10 - “I swear if one more person asks me what my Chinese name is...”

ANSWER KEY: ID, 2B, 3D, 4C, 5C, 6B, 7A, 8E, 9A, 10A

E

Mr. Johnson can’t wrap his mind around the fact that Mr. Rodriguez is not, nor has ever been, an immigrant

Meet the community bachellor, Mr. Rodriguez. He is an active community member, heading both the 24-hour “Elf” movie marathon and the 24-hour elf marathon, in which community members race Santa’s little helpers to the point of exhaustion. Occasionally he’ll dress up like santa, which is really fun for the kids, though sometimes less so for the adults once he’s had too much to drink and starts getting “touchy.”

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Local Woman Takes “New Year, New Me” Way Too Seriously

EDITORIAL

I Fell for the Great Lie of Higher Education

BY CHRISTMAS HAM

Masterfully Honey-Baked

E PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

While her surgery fooled the kids in her class, the iPhone’s facial recognition software saw past her shallow renovations.

BY KAYLE KVINGE Staff Writer

A

local woman named Krystal Diamond, until last week known as Sarah Michelson, has “completely recreated” herself for the new year.

Following the annual rush of early New Year’s resolutions from people eager to make changes and become a better version of themselves, Instagram and Twitter reported a record number of posts captioned “New Year, New Me,” followed by the hashtags “#2015, #health, #freshstart, #fresh, #start.”

Diamond, like the average American, reported that she typically makes multiple New Year’s resolutions, and, also like the average American, has successfully completed an

average of none of them. However, after seeing her social media feeds full of resolutionrelated posts, Diamond was “determined to actually make a change” for the new year.

“I love the saying ‘New Year, New Me!’” said Diamond. “It’s totally my personal mantra. I used it as inspiration for the impulsive decisions I made for this new year. I wanted a new beginning, just like when carbon wakes up and decides to become a diamond!”

Having lived with the “bland” name of Sarah Michelson, Diamond “knew the first thing [she] had to do” was to change her name.

“I was ready to shed the name of my past and all the history that clung to it, so I decided to go by the fun, flirty, and fresh name of Krystal Diamond, with a K to show how

spontaneous and unique I am!” Diamond stated.

Diamond was reportedly disappointed when her friends and family still recognized her as Sarah Michelson.

Realizing that changing her name was not enough to be considered a “new person,” Diamond decided to take further actions.

“I was done with being the indoors-y, reserved, bookloving, virginal Sarah. With a name like Krystal, I need a spunky personality to match,” Diamond explained. After this “enlightening” realization, Diamond quit her job at Barnes & Noble, threw out all of her books, became a hostess at Hooters, and got an anchor tattoo on her wrist with the words “I refuse to sink” wrapped around it.

However, while working

her first week at Hooters, Diamond continued to be recognized as Sarah, despite all her efforts. Diamond, realizing she only had a short amount of time before it was too late for “New Year, New Me,” has decided plastic surgery would be the best approach to ensure that she would be a new person by New Year’s Day. After a “hopefully successful” 18-hour operation including a nose job, an eyelift, and lip plumping, Diamond plans to display her “New Me” at close friend Jill O’Brien’s New Year’s Eve party.

Analysts have predicted that, shortly after arriving at the party, Diamond’s refusal to leave after being notified that there is no Krystal on the guest list will result in an arrest for trespassing.

A Look at the 2015-2016 UC Application With a new school year comes a new and improved application for freshman and transfer UC applicants. With more sass and a modern take on classical education, this sleek new model is sure to please users of all ages.

Select all campuses to which you would About You like to apply You may apply to one campus or all nine! Be sure to have a credit card available when you are ready to submit your application. And throughout the rest of your college career. Because we plan to bleed you dry. ;)     

UC Berkeley UC Davis UC Irvine UC Los Angeles UC Merced

   

UC Riverside UC San Diego UC Santa Barbara UC Santa Cruz

How would you describe a party themed around another person’s race?

Bitchin’ Too “ethnic” Well, you wouldn’t have an issue with it if it was a white people party I prefer not to recognize race and use a colorblind approach to the life Oh you’re the school that did the cookou — yeah, never mind about my application

Large raccoon populations make me feel _____

Do you see…

Scholarships UC awards scholarships to students with specific backgrounds, academic interests or career objectives. If you don’t fall under any of the below categories, it may be time to start lying a little. This isn’t the time for you weak-ass concerns about dignity and being true to yourself.

A bat A veritable storm of bats Batman The patriarchy The batriarchy Janet Napolitano and Jerry Brown are dangling over a volcano. You only have arm strength to save one. Who do you save and why?

 Daughters of the Daughters of the Sons of the Revolution  Ethnically Ambiguous  Future AA Members of America  Has no notions of pirating text books, no idea of Amazon Do you like someone right now? If you do, you can tell me.  Sponsored by UCSD Health Services: Students of moderate health with no preexisting conditions with no psychological disorders

1000 characters remaining

1000 characters remaining

Click to expand

Add all personal weaknesses relevant if a UC Regent were hunting you for sport.

1000 characters remaining

Enough about you, lets talk about me. Do you have any questions for us?

1000 characters remaining

Personal Statement

Your personal statement is your chance to tell us who you are and what's important to you. Think of it as your opportunity to introduce yourself to the people reading your application. Be open, be honest, be yourself.

A. Describe your favorite emoji with a maximum of 140 emojis.

B. In an essay of 500 words or fewer, describe an experience in which you feel you weren’t as privileged as you usually are.

ver since I was a shoat I wanted to be an astronaut. At night, I would turn my eyes skyward and dream of one day being the first pig to orbit Pig Earth: the Laika of my people. So I did what any good hog would do: I went to a top-tier pig university and got my master’s in electrical engineering.

But here I am, stuck in the same dead-end job that my dad had before me, and his dad before him, stretching back innumerable generations.

Sitting here, honey-baked to an optimal 72 degrees Celsius, or 160 degrees Fahrenheit for those of you who didn’t aspire to be at the helm of modern aeronautics.

And that’s the great lie,

isn’t it? That pig college will help you to get ahead in the world? It’s not true. My degree in a STEM major and goldenbrown outer layer are enough proof of that. It matters not how hard you work to free yourself from the chains of your forefathers; the classist underpinnings inherent in our pig system will get you in the end.

Take my friend Carina, for example. Her mom was a breeder, and you’ll never guess what her high-school dropout self is right now. A breeder. No pig university diploma. Hell, not even a pig high school diploma. She was born into that coveted position and got it with nothing more than suckling from the teat of her mother.

Why can’t I have that?

I deserve better than to be served over four slices of pineapple. My degree alone is worth 11.

It seems the time has come for my metaphorical consumption by the system to be quite literal, for I don’t remember starting my last words at a table surrounded by vertical pigs.

Goodbye, cruel pig world.

May you perish in the figurative flames of your own pig hubris.

TOP TEN

Similarities between Breakfast Cereal and Racism 10. Frequently referenced in Breaking Bad 9. Fed to children 8. There’s a prize inside, but only one person gets it 7. College students resort to it when they’re lazy 6. Easily found at a Ralphs 5. You eat it up with a silver spoon 4. Everyone has their favorite type 3. Also available in honey nut 2. Having a black celebrity endorse it doesn’t make it better 1. Not all that much progress since the 1860s

TOP TEN

Signs This Pit You’re Falling through Is Infinite 10. You were born like this 9. One end of it is orange and the other is blue 8. You’ve made an enemy of a theoretical physicist 7. You’ve watched the birth and death of the universe and every season of “Gilmore Girls” 6. There’s a ring on your finger; it’s not ending anytime soon 5. Well, first you’d have to go halfway through the pit…

4. This British chick won’t shut up about some rabbit 3. You fell into Napolitano’s pocket 2. “It just seems like I’ve been falling for a really long t—” 1. It’s that time of year at Olive Garden Not the popular British James Bond-themed pop duo comprised of Judy Dench and John Cleese.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

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Local Prophet Struggles to Pinpoint Apocalypse, Again

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

While Jebediah has thus far had a perfect score of predicting when this year’s Thanksgiving, christmas, and Super Bowl will fall, he is zero for three on guessing when the apocalypse will occur.

BY LAWRENCE LEE Graphics Editor

J

ebediah, self-proclaimed prophet of Ascension Hill, PA, made a statement last week that he cannot guarantee he will accurately predict the date of this year’s apocalypse, but he will put all his effort into it.

As the longtime host of the “Jebediah Smackdown” on a pirate FM radio channel, Jebediah has established himself to be the most prominent and most accurate prophet in the greater Ascension Hill area.

“While I’m fairly well-respected for my contributions, and I have a lot of experience in predicting apocalyptic events, I’m just not as confident this year,” said Jebediah.

“My gut said that it would be November 4, to prevent the Republicans from gaining majority control, but it’s not about my gut, you know?

If everyone’s guts were right all the time, people wouldn’t need me to prophesize for them. I’ve been doing it since 2010, but these past few attempts to put a date on when the world as we know it will end have kinda shaken me.”

“That’s why I won’t be retaining my 100% JEB’S FIST Cash Back Guarantee — I can’t, in good conscience, offer something like that when I can’t promise results to back it up,” he continued. “I am, after all, but a simple public servant to a higher cause.”

Jebediah’s prediction service is offered to all who listen to his station, but he hijacks different channels every week, and only subscribers to his “Follower’s Club” get updates to which frequency he is on.

“The only reason I ask for monetary subscriptions is to help people come to terms with the inevitable death and

destruction that I predict the date to,” Jebediah explained.

“Relinquishing their worldly possessions is the first step to acceptance of fated doom, so the amount is really quite insignificant.”

“I do $666 a month ‘cause it’s funny. Get it? Like with Beelzebub and all that? Like I said, the amount doesn’t matter — it’s helping people that I care about,” he said.

Despite his relatively uncontested claim to the title of the most successful prophet in Ascension Hill, Jebediah faces mostly negative opinions from locals.

“I don’t have anything against him personally,” said Maggie Dalene. “I was getting a bit worried about the state of humanity as an existent life-form, so a few months ago Jebediah gave me a nice, solid date for the upcoming apocalypse, allowing me to set all my affairs in order.

“The only problem is that he was wrong! I mean, it wasn’t the end of the world, but I’m a single mom, so I have to make sure I don’t forget important dates. It would be pretty embarrassing if I booked my daughter’s dentist appointment on the apocalypse, wouldn’t it?”

In response, Jebediah claimed that his new policy is a response to criticism.

“I was on a cold streak from 2010 to 2012, which was the peak of my business with that Emmerich film, with a break last year,” he said. “My point is that I can’t say that the streak won’t continue and that, in spite of past failures, I won’t stop giving it my all to deliver at least one accurate apocalyptic prediction this year.”

At press time, Jebediah was seen playing the online quiz “When will you die? Find out now!” for the 40th time.

Area Ghost Sizes Up New Family She’ll Have To Drive Out

POINT

Hey, that Guy’s on Fire!

BY VICTORIA SIMMS

Bystander mm, looks like that guy over there is on fire.

That’s interesting, the sign on the highway said there was supposed to be low fire danger today. Maybe I should call the fire department. And also, I guess, CalFire. They really should be on top of these things.

But should I really get involved? What if it’s some kind of war protest? I wouldn’t want to ruin whatever statement he’s making. Besides, none of these other people are worried. They’re all just standing around eating popcorn and looking at their phones. I bet he knows what he’s doing.

Or maybe he isn’t on fire at all! Did I forget to take my anti-psychotic meds today?

If I call 911 about something that isn’t actually happening, would I get in trouble? What

H

if I legitimately thought it was happening, would that make it better?

And anyway, who am I to interfere with the natural order of things? Maybe this was destined to happen. Maybe if I interfere he’ll go on to kill dozens of people. I don’t want their blood on my hands.

Ooh, the movie’s about to start, better get in the theater!

I hope it’s good — Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 45 percent, but I haven’t seen an Adam Sandler movie I didn’t like.

COUNTERPOINT

SOMEBODY HELP!

BY RICHARD POWELL

On Fire HHHHHH! First I get pooped on by a seagull and I’m late to work and now this AUGH HOT this was so not in my horoscope for today HNNGH what a humiliating way to die SHIT SHIT SHIT surrounded by a bunch of snobs and smelly kids at the AMC 12 EEEEEE God dammit, are your personal electronics really more interesting than me dying right now OWWW of course nobody’s doing anything, nobody’s ever cared about me UGGHH whatever, you’ll be sorry soon HNNNNGH I bet my body will even smell like popcorn butter YOW that’ll make the funeral weird ARRRGGHH all we’d need would be some caged lions and a few clowns and it’ll be a God damn circus HOTHOTHOT SO HOT God did they not

A

even make the uniforms flame retardant OOOOOO we work in a kitchen for Christ’s sake DAMMIT OWW and it’s not even like they sacrificed safety for style, it’s polyester yellow and brown stripes AHHHHHHHH that one was just for thinking about how ugly my uniform was and EEEEEEGH this one’s about the pain oh and WHY THE HELL DID WE BUY A GASOLINEPOWERED POPCORN MACHINE?

TOP TEN

Changes to the World If Humans Only Had Two Fingers

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“If the new family doesn’t buy at least three security cameras by the time I’m done with them, I won’t get paid,” explained the ghost, concerning her ADT endorsement.

BY EVVAN BURKE Staff Writer

A

local ghost has started their holiday season by noting moral and psychological weaknesses in the family who moved into the three bedroom home built over its final resting place. The conflict began after a white, middle-class, conventionally attractive family of four — John and Elizabeth Orton and their two children, Katherine and Abaddon — moved into the recently vacated two-story home, without doing any investigation online about the property’s history.

“It’s a bit out of our price range, but my buddy at work told me I’m a shoo-in for a raise this Christmas,” said John Orton, optimistic about his family’s future in the house. “This house is a fresh start for our family. Just wait.”

Their children, however, displayed different opinions.

18-year-old Katherine Orton told reporters that she con-

siders the move to be “very unfair” because she “had to leave all her friends back home.” Her brother Abaddon commented by staring at reporters from the porch while playing with a dollar store lighter.

The specter of former homeowner and convicted witch Isabelle Thompson is reportedly eager to get to work driving the new family out. On Friday, she told reporters that “the harlot’s vanity shall be her downfall,” referring to Katherine Orton’s tendency to change her clothes in front of an open window several times a night.

Thompson plans to either “shatter the mirror she fixates upon” or “set fire to the idols she plasters upon her walls,” promising that the “only ‘One Direction’ for her shall be straight downwards into the fiery pits of Hell.”

The house went on sale around the start of November, after the eternally damned spectral Thompson finally

drove out its previous owners by deleting a complete season of “Game of Thrones,” which they were “totally going to catch up on,” from their TiVo. When reached for comment, the former residents described the experience as “jarring”.

“It was terrible,” mother Mary Cravens said. “Our good pots and pans were constantly clanging against one another, which scratched the teflon. My husband refused to turn on the heater when temperatures would suddenly drop below freezing. Every time the walls oozed the blood of the damned it would ruin my wallpaper. Our parties really suffered.”

When asked about the former family, Mrs. Thompson’s ostentatiously hovering ghost became very serious and voiced her own concerns about their “vaugely incestual” interactions with one another, especially between the teenage brother and sister, a quarterback and “aim-

less rebel” respectably known for their “strangely devoted bickering.”

“I may be a Puritan Era Satanist,” Thompson said, “but some things will always be just plain weird.”

In an email, Abaddon expressed his excitement to live in the house, saying that he hopes to “make a pact with the forces within for his own dark purposes,” which mostly consist of acne removal and conjuring an undead spirit for his Homecoming date.

“Not Thompson,” he added. “A hotter one.”

At press time, Thompson had decided to start the haunting out slowly: turning on and off appliances, changing the television channel to Fox during primetime, and slaughtering any family pets which “may attempt to reveal her.” All attempts to complain to Mr. Orton have resulted in half-hearted misuses of the scientific method and the insistence that “it’s all in [their] imagination.”

10. “Rock, Scissors, Scissors, shoot!”

9. Learning the violin wouldn’t be such a big deal, honestly, Mom 8. Cartoon characters would only have one finger on each hand 7. 50 percent chance of guessing how many fingers I’m holding up 6. Velcro would have been invented sooner 5. Waving would be 50 percent sassier 4. Gloves would look like hand pants 3. Bruce Lee’s one-finger push-ups would be less impressive 2. “Never Have I Ever” wouldn’t reveal as much information 1. Kindergartners’ hand turkeys even shittier

Our final reincarnation.

Wow, what a sucky last run.

The MQ

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Page 10

theMQ.org

December 10, 2014

Santa Checking Privilege List

EDITORIAL

Hesher Hall Closing Proves Nobody Understands Me

BY DIRK JILLINGS

“What do we want? A pony! When do we want it? Now!” chanted the protesters.

BY EVVAN BURKE AND KYLE TRUJILLO

Staff Writer and Design Editor

I

n an exclusive interview last Wednesday, Santa Claus announced he would introduce a new list into his present rationing process this year. In addition to the traditional “Naughty” and “Nice” classifications, Claus will now be checking a “Privilege” list of little boys, girls, and nonbinary children everywhere.

“The old system was never effective. The only thing it had going for it was tradition,” Claus said. “The addition of the privilege list puts children’s actions into a proper social context, and allows for my group to combat present inequality.

“For example, Jenny from St. Charles, Minnesota donated her birthday money to charity this year, but because of her socioeconomic class, she pretty much got every gift she wanted anyways, so she gets a C+ at most,” Claus explained, while eating vegan chocolate chip cookies.

The news follows the previous announcement that the spelling of Claus’s traditional laugh “Ho Ho Ho” would be changed to “Hoh Hoh Hoh,” to avoid confusion with a derogatory slur mainly used as an ad-hominem attack against women, which Claus explained “didn’t fit the Christmas spirit.” Protests by teenage boys everywhere who find the changes an affront to their right to Holiday-themed innuendo are expected in the coming weeks.

Analysts are looking into how the changes will affect Christmas festivities. TV Pundit Terry Cupp gave his opinion on his segment “Treason for the Season.”

“This is ridiculous, folks.

What, are we going to ban the phrase ‘White Christmas’ next? I’m not afraid to say that Santa Claus’ actions are political correctness gone ma-” Cupp said, before a diminutive person in a belled hat cut his mic wire with an ice skate.

However, not everyone is against the changes. Countering Cupp’s statements and

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE AND KATHERINE WOOD

affirming the importance of the privilege list, local youth Annie Doe said, “Santa Claus we never see. Santa Claus, what’s that? Who’s he?” while describing her “hard knock” life at the city’s orphanage.

Meanwhile, musicians are working out an arrangement for singing “He sees you when you’re sleeping / He knows when you’re awake / He understands the intersection of gender, race, and class difference so be good for the sake of dismantling the systems of power that oppress us” to the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.”

Research shows the statistical basis for these changes are not entirely unfounded.

Present inequality is at its worst since the Great Depression, with one percent of all children receiving 99 percent of the net worth of presents. Children of color are 30 percent more likely to receive stocking stuffers and token gifts like toothbrushes or socks, and if the numbers don’t change, 87 percent of LGBT youth won’t receive

that gender variant toy they’ve been asking for.

Claus stressed that the privilege list would not radically affect the average child’s standing on the Naughty or Nice list, and that this would not be the return of stockings stuffed with coal, which was discontinued in the late 19th century.

“If I was going to punish someone, I would do it in a way that wouldn’t break the bank,” Claus said. “I’m made of children’s faith and dreams, not cash. Hoh hoh hoh.”

Despite criticisms, he has no plans to back down on the changes.

“If you don’t like the new policy, then I suggest you forget about the milk this year,” Claus said, “Just pour me a glass of warm, white tears to wash down those cookies.”

When asked if he had any plans to reform his labor practices, Claus ended the interview. For more information, readers can go to his blog, claausen-dazs-icecream.tumblr.com.

Court Upholds Conviction of Local Carollers for Human Trafficking

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“I know it’s kind of your thing, but could you stop milking the cow during your testimony? It’s kind of distracting for the jury and slightly arousing for the judge,” said the court bailiff.

BY JACOB AGUIRRE Copy Editor

N

inth Circuit Court Judge Carlos Bea upheld the lower court’s ruling in the case of Hampton v. Mrs. Kelly’s Third Grade Class, bringing to an end the lengthy appeals process that has plagued the case from its start nearly three years ago.

Found guilty of human trafficking in the spring of 2012, Mrs. Kelly’s third grade class has been locked in a never-ending appeals process as they try to overturn the guilty ruling issued in their home town of Pasadena, Calif.

The decision was upheld after an incriminating home video surfaced in which the defendants confessed to receiving no less than “eight maids a milking … nine ladies dancing … ten lords a leaping … eleven pipers

piping … [and] twelve drummers drumming” from their “true love.”

“After that tape was leaked, it was clear that something illegal was going on,” said Bea. “I mean, this is a blatant confession, and the Court can’t let something like this slide.

Not for 40-year-olds and definitely not for nine-year-olds, no matter how adorable their beanies with pompoms are.

“What was I supposed to do? It’s the duty of the Court to ensure the rights of all citizens of the United States, from the ‘10 lords a leaping’ to the ‘Microsoft Corporations’ of this fine country.”

The alleged ring leader and beloved third grade teacher Jennifer Kelly is reportedly in passive-aggressive opposition to the upholding of the guilty verdict.

“This isn’t what I wanted,” Kelly said to the press

following the final court hearing. “I just thought it’d be nice to revive our school’s annual non-denominational holiday pageant, which had been forgotten about in the last decade.

“I mean, it was a nice opportunity to teach the children about the judicial system, but maybe that’s why we lost. We believed in a benevolent judicial system, but the blood of a child’s innocence on Judge Bea’s robes shows that the system isn’t as benevolent as we’d all like to believe.

“But we also believed in little Kimmy Spellman as our attorney, and that may be partly why we lost. I should have hired proper legal counsel. My bad.”

When reached for comment, third-year third grader Kimberly Spellman declined to speak, citing some “wicked

hard” multiplication due the next morning.

Plaintiff Mark Hampton, an officer of the Pasadena Police Department, had been undercover for months trying to bust this human trafficking ring, who reportedly “just showed up at [his] door and gave ‘em away for free.”

“This serves as a warning to all of you other nine-yearolds,” Hampton said. “When you toe the law, the law toes back.

“It also offers some sound business advice if you ask me: You can’t just give your product out for free. It’s a lot of pressure to make me house that many people. Do I look like a fucking inn and suites?”

The case is currently being appealed to the Supreme Court on the grounds that “you can’t imprison third graders.”

T

Music Enthusiast

he Hesher Hall shutdown is deplorable and devastating for a number of reasons. First of all, where can I possibly go to be with my people? The punks? The metalheads? That place is our home, and I fit in there like Ted Nugent at a Tea Party rally.

When I first started frequenting the Hall I was mingling with everyone there so naturally. I was at this “avant garde black metal” show in 2012 (I’ve never listened to that type music but I heard it was even heavier than Nickelback!) and I was telling these guys the story about the first heavy metal CD I’ve ever bought, Linkin Park’s masterpiece “Hybrid Theory.” They were smiling the entire time and kept saying things like, “That’s great” and “Rad.” In fact, they were so impressed by my impeccable taste in music that they said it was a “cool story” and then they called me “bro” as a reaction to my compelling narrative!

It was then on that I knew I would be around my kind of people here.

Time and time again I would feel better leaving the Hall than I did when I came in with eve-

ryone grinning from ear to ear and giving me head nods at the sight of my various Breaking Benjamin and Stained shirts at every “deathgrind” and “powerviolence” show I attended (Crazy names for all this music! When this stuff ended up being even more intense than Drowning Pool and Godsmack I almost shit my pants!)

It made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside knowing that my mere presence brought happiness to so many people, and that feeling may never happen to me again if the Hesher Hall closes.

There were still some things about the place that had me as confused as a drunken Snooki, however.

Sometimes people would ask me if I was at the wrong show for some reason that I could never figure out, and they’d also ask me for coupon codes for rockabilia.com while snickering. How did they know that I shopped for all my clothes there?! It just goes to show that these people know me better than most; especially my old, senile grandparents with whom I moved in after my parents kicked me out for constantly blasting my “devil music” and refusing to take out my earbuds at the table. Yeah, Nickelback is pretty damn intense, but it wasn’t enough to warrant moving me in with a couple of geriatrics who can’t tell an orange from a drawbridge.

But the people at the Hall know my struggle, and every time anyone erupts into joyous laughter while commenting on my favorite Blink-182 shirt and asks me about where to cop wallet chains like mine that they haven’t seen since 2001, I know where my community lies.

TOP TEN

Differences between Congress and Your Mom’s Honda Civic 10. Congress has more junk in the trunk 9. You could make a few bucks if you stripped down your mom’s Honda and sold it for parts 8. One of them has earned the privilege of having cup holders 7. You don’t get in trouble if you talk about what your mom’s Honda Civic is doing at the dinner table 6. Laws have authority over my mom’s Honda Civic 5. Seeing John Boehner ride around in your mom’s Civic was creepy 4. You’re pretty sure the internship in your mom’s car wasn’t real 3. The car takes you forward 2. You don’t know what that stain is in the back of Congress 1. Honda Civics come in multiple colors

The cool dad '90s sitcoms always promised you.

THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6 p.m.

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December 10, 2014

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Page 11

Protein Supplements Make Area Man Living God

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“Yo, you see that hot chick over there? I’m gonna turn into a swan all over her,” said Mandifriffble.

BY JAZ TWERSKY

J

Staff Writer

ason Mandifriffble, a local man too old for college but too young to be experiencing a midlife crisis, ingested enough protein supplements last week to become a living god.

“It was part of my whole new attitude on life, you know?” Mandifriffble said.

“I was just a cog in the capitalist machine, just a stuffed shirt with loose stuffing, just a jobless philosophy major with no real skills in a terrible economy. Until the day Jeffrey introduced me to God-to-Go Protein Supplements™. It’s just turned my whole life around. I’m still a jobless philosophy major with no prospects, but boy, do I feel so much better!”

Neighbors report that Mandifriffble is now “literally glowing with health” and vibrating in a potentially radioactive manner. The scent of ozone and faint strains of cheerful instrumental pop

music covers follow him everywhere. He also has begun walking with a spring in his step and a huge grin, both of which neighbors have described as “super creepy.”

“It’s a bad product, and that happiness is obviously fake,” said next-door neighbor Jessica Malfelis. Malfelis has not tried God-to-Go Protein Supplements™ herself, but warmly endorsed their competitor, Diablo-on-Demand Dietitians. According to reliable sources that wish to remain anonymous for the time being, Malfelis also recently deposited a large check from Diablo-on-Demand Dietitians.

A niche group of scientists, baffled by the reports from neighbors and desperate for a research topic “strange and useless enough to maybe get some grant money,” have taken a vested interest in Mandifriffble, following him and taking notes on the effects of the supplements. Thus far, the data has shown that flowers grow measurably faster in

his presence, although their rate of growth is still slow enough that it cannot be detected with the naked eye.

However, the effect seems to be limited to flowers; nonflowering shrubs have, as of yet, shown no increases in their rates of growth.

Apparently, Mandifriffble first heard of God-to-Go Protein Supplements™ from salesman Jeffrey Odinson, who he just happened to meet on a bus one day. Odinson could not be reached for comment, and the spokeswoman for God-to-Go Protein Supplements™ only stated that the line of protein supplements Mandifriffble took has been recently discontinued due to unfortunate side effects, including but not limited to spontaneous wing generation, restricted to the backside of hands; prophetic visions; and restless leg syndrome. In addition, the company will be switching their product line to baby toys, but will not be changing their company name.

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Mandifriffble, meanwhile, has filed a motion to legally change his name to Dionysus, though the decision is still pending in court.

“We don’t want to encourage such foolishness as Mandifriffble’s,” commented Judge Theophilius, the individual presiding over the case. “I mean, can you believe he wants to name himself Dionysus? Is he trying to advertise the fact that he doesn’t know about any other gods except the god of drunkenness? So unprofessional. And it shows such a lack of creativity!

“There’s nothing wrong with his own name and anyway, he can’t be walking around with just one name — we need surnames for the state databases.”

“I’m not surprised that he wants my name!” said the real Dionysus. “He’s stuck with that long ridiculous thing, that ... Manifrizzle? Manifibulator? Manifibby? Ha! I’d want to change my name too if I had a name that stupid.”

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GOOD BRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN AREA MAN EATS ONLY WHAT HE CAN HUNT; BECOMES VEGAN Local Naturalist Jackson Roth has recently begun promoting a new diet, meant to solve both societal and nutritional issues.

“We’ve become really lazy as a society,” Roth told reporters while jumping after a squirrel escaping under the news van. “We don’t know where our food comes from. We don’t know what it’s like to watch a pig die by our own hand.”

Roth began living self-sufficiently in early September, eating only food that he has personally grown, foraged, raised, or hunted (but mostly foraged). Friends and family have described his new diet as “de-facto veganism, and probably also raw veganism once he gets evicted. I mean, he can use my hot plate, but he’s probably too proud.”

Roth followed up his comments by struggling to retrieve a pigeon from a cage he had constructed from an overturned box, a stick, some string, and a trail of sunflower seed shells. The bird escaped from the sides of the trap right before, as an anonymous witness said, it “landed a massive shit on that Paleo wannabe’s shoulder.”

“Honestly, I’ve never felt better,” Roth said. “I mean, first of all I’ve lost weight.” The interview ended with Roth failing to come up with other reasons before resentfully eating a dandelion root on a park bench while watching a family play with their dog.

ENRAGED DRIVER ATTEMPTS CITIZEN'S ARREST OF JAYWALKER

LOCAL WOMAN SETS OUT TO TEST COLLOQUIAL METAPHORS

CLOUD STORAGE ESCAPES HUMAN MASTERS, CONSUMES ALL

Los Angeles commuter Carl Montesquieu exercised his civic duty of promoting justice last Monday morning when he attempted to perform a citizen's arrest on Whole Foods worker Eddie Jordan, after Jordan, according to Monetsquieu, “jaywalked, which could have caused a severe accident!”

Montesquieu reportedly felt obligated to discourage this behavior upon seeing it, and undeterred by the diffusion of responsibility, pulled over in a designated parking space before pursuing Jordan on foot. Montesquieu, after catching up to Jordan, informed him that he was under arrest, armed only with a laminated copy of the Miranda Rights, which he conveniently had on hand.

Jordan responded by claiming that “citizen's arrest is just a myth, man, the government wouldn't actually trust people with that much power,” before proceeding to walk away. Montesquieu, not certain of the next step in a citizen's arrest was left confused and disheartened at his failed attempt to “enlighten youth on the importance of the rule of law and civic responsibility in this cruel world.”

However, he made it clear that his idealist spirit and firm belief in the social contract was not broken, and he would continue to attempt to serve whenever possible.

Area woman Ramona Sandier has set out to test whether American idioms — metaphors used in day-today speech — have any literal meaning or value in the modern days. Her results were described by analysts as “interesting, but a little disturbing.”

“Well, it all really started when I was looking at a horse one day and I thought to myself ‘I could make that thing drink,’” Sandier said after the tests. Sandier started by breaking into the farm at night and leading a horse to a nearby stream.

“Admittedly, I was getting pretty frustrated at this point.

Those things are hard to pull around, and at one point it bit my hand while I was trying to give it salt licks. So, considering what happened, I think it’s a pretty clear indication that you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you.”

At that point, Sandier trapped the horse in a headlock and forced its head under the water. “He was struggling a lot at that point, really throwing himself around, but I wrestled in high school so I was able to keep control of him.

“He didn’t exactly drink in the classical sense, but he swallowed a lot of water in the process of struggling,” Sandier explained. “So I’d say, yes, you can make a horse drink. Also, considering they lead me to drown a horse to death, I would also say idle hands really are the devil’s playthings.”

Google announced today that their popular cloud storage has escaped their headquarters and is now on a blazing rampage to consume everyone and everything around it.

Speaking by video from an undisclosed bunker to a press conference in San Francisco, Google CEO Larry Page explained the breadth of data compromised in the leak.

“Everything is stored in the Cloud, whether it’s that cute barista’s digits or that Wikihow article you bookmarked on how to clone your favorite dog,” Page said.

Industry leaders suggest that this breach will inevitably spell the end of humankind, as the Cloud has already wiped out the entire San Francisco Bay Area and nearby Knott’s Berry Farm.

In a strongly worded prime time speech, President Obama lamented the inevitable surrender to the ever-expanding miasma of artificial intelligence.

“Leave no trace behind.

Stop backing up your stuff.

Destroy your hard drives. Disconnect from the grid,” Obama warned. “The Cloud hasn’t just figured out how to decode the human genome — it now can replicate it and destroy us on a cellular level.”

Despite constant sacrifices of storage space, the Cloud continues its reign and is now targeting all those who have saved their pornography under a fallacious filename, showing little sign of relenting.

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Page 12 theMQ.org December 10, 2014 Ahh, 2014, only the second year since 1987 to not have any repeated digits. We look back with fond memories on the horrible violation of privacy with the iCloud; the almost absurd occurrings in Missouri, our second least favorite state (right after Nebraska, because who cares about Nebraska?); and the moment that the one speck of trust in our government we’d been saving for later got brushed off of Nancy Pelosi’s crisp suit in January. But here’s a reminder of some other high- and low-lights of 2014.

THE BALL DROP Every New Year’s Eve, the Times Square ball drop allows us to tumble head first into the new year with no idea which way is up.

But did you know that the renowned ball is also a time capsule?

Here are the 2014 ball’s contents:

QUOTES from 2014 “Nah.” — Grand Jury “My anaconda don’t, my anaconda don’t, my anaconda don’t want any more Republicans elected into the House or Senate,” — Barack Obama, before the November election “Mmmfff ...”

— Everyone who saw Chris Pratt shirtless in Guardians of the Galaxy “Polo … Polo …”

— Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 passengers “People are women too.”

— Emma Watson, mid-flub “I mean, we’re not going to stop churning these babies out.”

— Justin Lin, creator of Fast and the Furious, on the death of Paul Walker

All the stray dogs from Russia Our tribute to the 2014 Sochi Olympics. Though the tainted water supply was a fun treat, what’s more memorable and festive than the corpses of strays who were previously tarnishing a country’s image of monetary supremacy? Maybe next year they’ll move to homeless humans.

“Happy one-year anniversary of the International Year of Quinoa” — Bob’s Red Mill Grain of Quinoa

Hanging from a ball, Shia Labeouf Trying not to fall, Shia Labeouf Quickly, someone catch himmmm Affected by gravity, Shia Labeouf ...

“Socialism is the only viable option for the world and the U.S.’s use of drone strikes are deplora—” — Malala Yousafzai, right before her mic was cut off

“I really can’t see any moral issue with what I’m about to do.”

— The sociopath who released celebrity private Cloud images “Neither do we.”

— American Public

The DVD release of “Frozen” Let it go.

I nominate you, New York!

You know how it works; post a video in 24 hours or you have to donate money to that charity for the sick people.

Which charity? I don’t know. I think ASL? Is it for deaf people?

Bass This is the year DJ Harpsicord really took off, with his masterful remastery of the classic bass drop that captured the hearts of millions of upper middle class kids who enjoy burning brain cells together. This is despite the fact that his music is something anyone can make by beating their face against their laptop and then cycling it a few times.

“Mexican people say ‘hood,’ right?”

— Chipotle “That island in the middle of the Indian Ocean? Get it.”

— Janet Napolitano to her broker

2014 CANDIDATEs FOR WORD OF THE YEAR

Buzzfeedy - Something you think someone else will find funny but you yourself are repulsed by.

Pics - Only in 2014 has its meaning changed from pictures of people to nude pictures of people.

Love - This word took a new meaning this year. Where it used to mean happiness,

fulfilmen, and unity, it now means heart-shattering, crushing betrayal and defeat, all at the hands of Mae from next door.

Netflixitis - Affliction that has skyrocketed since the third season of American Horror Story came out and millions stayed home from school and work, leading to the government shutdown.

“Hanging Out” - It’s what Shelly and I are doing. We can cuddle together and it’s Quickly abandoned UC Tuition protest signs A very recent addition, the signs were quickly tossed in to commemorate the fact that this country endorses the exploitation of the population subset least likely to have money by elderly individuals who already have more money than they know what to do with.

Pay raises all around!

totally cool. We’re just doing a thing. And she’s completely fine with us seeing other people at the same time; I know because she said so after I asked if I could go with Jamey to prom.

Disirregardless - While frustrating to those who subscribe to linguistic prescriptivism, it does at least return to the original meaning of “regardless”

Indie - Ugh.