The MQ Volume 23 Issue 3

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“A black sheriff?”

— Sheriff Joe Arpaio

You’ve been served

November 30, 2016

Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale

Volume XXIII Issue III

In This issue election response from the editors

3

Scientists Conclude that They Just Can’t

5

holiday house

6,7

Epipen price raised to One Human Soul student declares miscommunications major

9 11

News in Brief Area Senior Pretty Sure Next Quarter Will Be Better For 11th time In A Row “For God so loved the world that God gave them a sweet, one-time only deal on a Kia Sorrento.” -John 3:16

By Katherine Wood Graphics Editor

L

ast Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form of a three-day auto sale.

Jordan Brown, manager at

Mountville Toyota, reported that she was awoken by several dozen angels appearing in her bedroom with blaring trumpets, which startled her, as it was three in the morning and her partner was away on a business trip.

“You’d think the angels could have planned a better time for their visitation, since

they literally have all of eternity open,” commented Brown.

“However, my cardiologist says the palpitations weren’t super concerning, and it was a pretty sweet deal, so I guess it’s okay,” Brown said, patting her new Kia Rio. The Lord’s will was also conveyed to the agriculture and livestock communities

PHOTO By katherine wood

that same night by angels appearing above farmer’ fields and shouting to be heard inside. Local farmers say that, while they understand the “traditional emphasis on communicating to shepherds,” as farmers they are “the ones

See miracle, page 2

Amish Community Saddened and Very Confused

by Cyberbullying Epidemic

By Paola Diaz and Brandon Moguel

S

academic advisors. He later admitted he was lying.

“Sure, I’ve had a bit of a rough time in my last few classes,” said Reynolds, referring to the previous three years of his college career.

“But next quarter will be different! I know what I’m doing now. Sure, I’ve said this same thing for the last 11 quarters and even I don’t believe myself, but this time will definitely be different! I’m hopeful about the future.”

Reynolds was last seen crying in the Peterson Hall bathrooms, psyching himself up by saying, “you can do this” repeatedly into the mirror and then leaving to go take a midterm he didn’t study for.

UCSD Announces Therapy Furries Program

Staff Writers

urprising new advocates in the fight against cyberbullying have emerged in recent weeks: the Amish. Candle shops and haberdasheries alike have been abuzz with the news of the phenomenon that has been plaguing the nation for more than a decade, previously unknown to the Amish.

Realization of this problem has been fostered through exposure to modern people, or “the English” as the Amish refer to them, at farmers’ markets and the sets of reality television shows.

Jedidiah Ezekiel Buttenputscher, leader of a Lancaster Amish community, decided to take action after hearing discussion among concerned parents during a butter transaction at a Pennsylvania general store.

“I learned of this through word of mouth, which is how God intended plagues to be spread,” said Buttenputscher.

“I heard one woman’s son was harassed ‘online,’ and I told her that lines are for fishing and dancing, not harassment.

After listening further, it appears to be an issue from one of those technological innovations, like traffic jams or ‘left swipes’, whatever that means.”

Buttenputscher and others inspired by him have begun the “Agriculture Against Hate Culture” movement, a

Area senior Steve Reynolds announced this week that, despite this quarter “taking him by surprise” with the amount of work 12 units of classes required, he is confident that this next quarter is going to be better.

Reynolds, who decided less than a year ago to change his major from Biochemistry to Art History, is trying to catch up with the work needed to graduate on time for his career path.

“Biochemistry was fun, but I felt like it just didn’t let me explore my potential. I just think Art History will let me really find myself. It has nothing to do with the fact that I got 16 straight D’s in Biochem,” Reynolds told his

PHOTO By daniel clinton

“How dare you speak to me like that? Do you kiss your motherboard with that mouth?” said Josiah Stoltzfus as he belted the computer a 50th time. campaign to “curb the English from their spiteful online habits in favor of useful ones.”

Slogans include “Get off the Web, Churn Butter Instead” and “Don’t Tweet, Harvest Wheat.” This will also result in a limit on ‘rumspringas,’ a rite of passage in Amish communities in which adolescents are allowed to venture out into the modern world.

“We’re telling all the little Amlettes to shut off their pagers and stay out of AOL chat rooms,” said Buttenputscher.

“It’s for their own safety.” However, Buttenputscher and his followers are adamant about deterring the cyber aspect of

Local dentist searches for more aggressive ad campaign Not this aggressive, though

the issue, not bullying itself.

“Bullying builds character,” said Buttenputcher, “like how a lashing makes a horse more docile. When I was a kid, if you wanted to tell somebody their sister couldn’t milk a cow to save her bonnet, you said it to their face. And when their larger, burlier brother came to pummel you into the soil, you still came out having learned a lesson.

“What I don’t understand about the English,” Buttenputscher continued, “is how they take their spite into the virtual realm. They should be bullying in person, like we do with the Mennonites. Their

quilts are itchy. Their jams are far too thick. And it takes them a whole fortnight to raise a barn. Those Women-onites do not know a scythe from an auger!” screamed Buttenputscher in the direction of a nearby Mennonite community.

This movement will take effect in the Lancaster area during the upcoming sowing season. “We’re going to boycott the Internet ... I mean, we’re going to continue boycotting the Internet!” said Buttenputscher. “And we’ll show the English that staying in your own small communities and narrowly avoiding inbreeding is the way God intended.”

“Brad, what the hell are you doing?”

“The hamburger is tumble dry only”

After discovering the success of Therapy Fluffies, UCSD has created a new program to help students de-stress without having to battle dander allergies. On Thursday, UCSD held its first Therapy Furries session, where students were able to pet anthropomorphic animal costumes worn by The Zone employees.

“I really needed this,” said Makenna Jones, a first year student who attended the Therapy Furries session and was aroused by how much UCSD officials cared about her. “I have a midterm and an essay due next week and I was freaking out. But the furries were so cute and

fuzzy, and their genitals were so warm that I immediately forgot about my plummeting grades.”

Employees at The Zone remarked that many students who needed stress relief but suffered from pet fur allergies showed up in large numbers, making the new program a big success. Julie Fairbanks, a Zone representative said, “UCSD strives to accommodate students of all backgrounds, ethnicities, and medical histories.

And since the furries are just as cute, cuddly, and spunky as the fluffies, we can finally fulfill our goal of accommodating everyone, no matter the kink.”

Nation Needs Mariah Carey to Wish for Snow Environmental scientists discovered the true cause of climate change; they believe that all environmental catastrophes can be traced back to the year 1994, when Mariah Carey released her Christmas classic “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Carey sings that she “won’t even wish for snow” in the hopes that she will see her lover for Christmas.

Immediately after the release of this song, scientists reported rising sea levels, increasing average temperatures, and severe drought.

“There really is no substantial evidence for other causes of global warming,” stated Professor of Environmental Studies Meg

Driscoll. “None. Zilch. Mariah is all we got. And now we need her to save us all.”

When asked if she would wish for snow, Carey replied by putting on sunglasses, and stating, “Climate change? I don’t know her.”

Scientists are focusing their research on solutions to the environmental destruction that Carey has wrought, without her wishing power. Driscoll claimed that “Hot in Herre” by Nelly is a promising cure to this crisis, claiming “the lyrics contain an inexpensive and efficient option to combat rising temperatures.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

November 30, 2016

Football Fan Thinks 200-Pound Human Miracle of Athleticism “Just Standing There”

PHOTO By Nicholas Martin

“A fun fact about the Denver Broncos,” pointed out Dohle, “is that they secretly enjoy disappointing LIFELONG FANS.” He yelled, throwing his bust of John Elway into his beer can citadel in frustration at the 25-23 Broncos game.

By Barak Tzori

M

Editor-in-Chief

arkus Dohle was already moving on to his second beer in the first quarter when he remarked that the 237-pound, six foot three “godsend of athleticism” Von Miller was “just standing out there on the field like a fucking moron.”

Dohle’s comment was brought on when the Denver Broncos’ defensive linebacker Von Miller threw himself at the man who was carrying the ball in the opposite direction. He missed. This caused the team in the gold uniform to move forward, which upset Dohle, who was wearing a jersey of a different color.

“At least do something, Von!” Dohle screamed, continuing to unleash his anger at the television screen. “He’s not doing anything! He’s just going through the motions. It would literally be better if he weren’t even on the field. Eat more of McNabb’s mom’s soup, Von!”

On the following play, fourtime Pro-Bowler Miller picked up on the opposing quarterback’s pre-snap adjustments – bringing the slot receiver into a protected shotgun formation. According to experts, Miller, noticing that an extra right guard was substituted to replace the tight end, figured the Saints were going to run, despite their seeming commitment to the pass. Shooting the A-Gap, he broke out of the 4-3, overwhelmed the nose tackle with a bull rush, and took down the ball carrier for a three-yard loss.

Dohle was still shaking his can of Coor’s Banquet at his friend Milena Alberti when all of this happened.

“We paid good money for Von, and he’s screwin’ us.

Every year I have to suffer for 16 weeks, watching these losers twirl around on the hallowed ground Elway built like Tweedledumbasses.”

“You don’t have to do any of that Marky, you could

visit…” Alberti tried to interject as Dohle yelled, “Shut up about Mom, Milli, I’m trying to watch the game.”

Dohle crunched his empty can with one hand and continued to gesture obscenely at the television with the other.

At the stadium, an unexpectedly self-aware commentator gave his thoughts on the matter.

“These second-rate citizens in blue who play modern gladiators, trying to concuss men of similar stature for sport, being diminished to single numbers of profit by the owners, are just not doing as well as their counterparts in gold.”

While Miller was not doing great in this game according to Dohle, the Wednesday before the game Miller had appeared in an internal NFL meeting as the Broncos’ player representative to argue for fairer treatment of black players in suspension cases. The following day, Miller oversaw a char-

ity event in Colorado, which provided over 3000 children with free vision tests. However, to Dohle, neither fact made up for his missed tackle on Sunday against the Saints.

“We can all go home,” sighed Dohle at halftime. Disappointed at both the score and the sight of an empty six-pack, he slumped in the Dohle-shaped crater in his Dohle-smelling armchair.

“There’s no reason to go on. And the weird thing is, by now I’m used to the weekly disappointment,” Dohle whined as the six-and-two Broncos jogged off the field.

According to reports, at halftime in the visiting locker room of New Orleans’ Mercedez-Benz Superdome, Von Miller shed a single tear over a picture of a middle-aged man with beer spilled down his old Broncos’ jersey.

“I’ll do right by you next half, Dohle,” Miller wept. “I know I can do better. Just give me another chance.”

continued from page 1:

Miracle

with the purchasing power,” they feel it would have been more convenient had the angels appeared directly in their bedrooms, as was done with dealership managers.

“Plus, they scared the shit out of my sheep with all that celestial yelling,” said farmer Tad Williams. “More than 200 of them stampeded away, and about 400 of the remaining ones have been chewing their wool off ever since, which kind of negates their usefulness. If I lose my profit this year, I’ll have to sell the farm ... but if that’s the Lord’s plan for us, then so be it.”

Since the sale commenced, dealers report that the ensuing commercial frenzy has been chaotic but not as large as projected, since many people do not have the resources to purchase even a significantly discounted vehicle, given the state of the economy. Those that do buy cars are reportedly doing it as quickly as possible, so that “those deafening angels stop following me while I walk my child home from school every day.”

The sale has prompted criticism from some, who look to the Lord’s range of options for miracles. “An auto sale?” questioned local resident Esther Johnson. “If not an end to world hunger, maybe replac-

ing Putin with someone a little more stable would have been nice. Or bringing my cat back to life.”

Area resident Kristal Hill, on the other hand, expressed mixed opinions.

“For I was hungry, and you gave me food,” said Hill. “I was thirsty, and you gave me 10 percent off the new Toyota Tacoma at participating dealerships, which wasn’t what I needed at all and could never replace the life-saving essentiality that is water. Although it does have cup holders, so that’s something.”

God expressed some surprise at the sale’s mixed reception, saying they expected it to go over better.

“I was expecting something more along the lines of ‘For I was hungry, and you gave me food: I was thirsty, and you gave me 10 percent off the new Toyota Tacoma at participating dealerships, which really rocked my Christmas season and made me forget how thirsty I was,” said God. “But rest assured, I promise I’ll make the rest of this threeday auto sale even more awesome than the three days Jonah spent partying in that whale,” said God. “And put it this way — Jonah would have had a lot more fun inside that whale if he’d had the 2017 Range Rover.”

We take anyone, trust us.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen

Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Hasan Abu-Amara Colin Bellotti Tom Brailey Sarah Cain Kenny Cheng Jonathan Chiu Nathaniel Cinnamon Sage Cristal Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz David Ding

Smiling on the outside, eating on the inside.

David Gorbitz Chris Doherty Amin Fozi Jonathan Funes Ryan Gershenovitz Leo Grabowski Jackie Guo Samprith Kalakata Chris Lee Sequoia Lim Nadia Link

Jessica Ma Nicholas Martin Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy Annie Nguyen Andrew Nguyen Jay Noonan

Yash Pande Kavita Poduri Vida Sadeghi Meg Sanders Akbar Sardar Angelica Sun Luke Tribble Alex Vollhardt Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I may be writing this a bit early in the night, but that’s just how confident I’m feeling about this production. In a cycle that ended a week earlier than usual, with graphics and design starting work even before the weekend, and with content pushing for weekly online-exclusive articles, we still seemed to hit a certain feeling of working in full stride. The new soon-to-be editors who showed up and gave their all pushed us harder than we’ve ever pushed ourselves. I’m looking forward to their new voices in issues to come. And even on a gloomy day like today, the prospect of these new people becoming our new face brings me a joy few jokes live up to.

Before I go, a few sentences about Romelle in my continuing series of retiring editors. Romelle is always able to convey my feelings perfectly in song – however distorted that may be. I’ve seen most editors sleep, that’s just what happens when you spend so much time together. But never have I seen Romelle shut an eye, she’ll come earlier, and leave later than almost anyone of us. Romelle, keep churning out those playlists, and stay gnarly.

Booster Club Burping as I write, I’d like to thank Jacob and Hannah for sodas. Matt and Hannah get a thanks too for contributing to the Dining Dollar economy for us.

For the fruit, cookies, and Pringles – thanks to Daniel, Summer, and Kavi, respectively. And once again, thank you Jen for showering us with Oreos, and for getting us lost in that meatball sauce.

theMQ.org

November 30, 2016

Page 3

Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together

By Jaz Twersky and Kavita Poduri

Copy Editor and Staff Writer

E

mily Adlet Roe, secondyear UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she said her “whole life,” she was referring specifically to her bedroom.

“Okay, fine, I just organized my bedroom,” Roe said.

“I didn’t, like, organize the kitchen or anything, or finish my homework, but I never leave my bedroom anyway so it’s basically my whole life.”

Roe noted that organizing her room had begun as a way to procrastinate on chemistry homework. Upon the task’s completion, however, she found that she was feeling “so much better, like I could do anything here.”

Roe later admitted that she’d since failed to do anything productive in her newly-organized room.

The idea of getting organized had occurred to her when she was “searching for SOMETHING to give me that sweet accomplishment high.” She remembered that her friend Ashley Judson, “told me maybe I should quit whining and just do things and that would make me happy.

“I think I really pulled it off this time,” Roe said. “Before fixing my room, I’d tried drinking lots of water and taking notes in class, even though I couldn’t focus enough to reread them or remember the lecture. I did yoga after six people asked me if I was doing it yet; Aunt Sherry posted three different articles about it on my Facebook wall. I even tried weed, and then I tried it again. A lot.”

“Yoga is the best way to re-

PHOTO By jen windsor

Roe smiled as she put the box labeled “cool pants” next to the box labeled “inner demons,” completing the organization of her life. lease all that toxic stress and sadness,” Roe’s yoga instructor Randy Finkleson suggested.

“Just breathe, fam. Connect to your inner chakras.” Finkleson then bent over backwards into a perfect reverse coffee table pose, while saying he could “feel the reuptake of [his] serotonin being selectively inhibited!” Finkleson also mentioned that he had only met Roe once, though he hoped she would “shed her material fetters and just tune in to the vast joyful cosmos.”

Roe said she was excited to enter a newly happy and productive stage of her life without the need to consult CAPS or off-campus therapists.

“It turns out I was just being lazy the whole time, and the stuff my brain was always screaming at me when I was

sad was right! All I have to do now is buckle down, ignore my exhaustion and physical health, shame myself into productivity, socially isolate myself because I don’t deserve to have emotional connections, and make lots of sacrifices in my personal life in order to adhere to an arbitrary standard of superficial perfection expected by society!”

Zone employee Reyna Robbits expressed great joy that Roe was now feeling “properly Bright, Bubbly, and Beautifully productive” about her life.

“Those are the three Bs of The Zone,” Robbits gushed. “It’s always good to see another student blossom!” She indicated a nearby poster, reading “Zone Tip #88: happiness is what you make of it - even if you can’t make your term papers, you

can still always manufacture some happiness! Don’t know how? Whatever, just do it anyway.*” The small print notes even fake happiness can be sold for substantial profit.

When it was pointed out to Robbits that none of her metaphors made much sense, she frowned and began to deliver a lecture entitled: “Shooting Stars: Believing in Yourself to the Moon and Back.”

When Roe was contacted for a follow-up, she failed to reply until much later, apologizing profusely and indicating her depression had made it difficult to summon enough energy to respond.

Roe reported she had finally made an appointment with CAPS, and expects to see a psychologist “sometime after I graduate.”

Scientists Confirm Ocean is Really Scary at Night

By Matt Olson

Assistant Content Editor

A

fter years of research and technological advancements, scientists are finally ready to confirm the findings of a decade-long study. In a press conference, lead researcher Karl Oswald announced that his team had just finished compiling and parsing mountains of data, and that all scientists agreed that the ocean is “really scary at night.”

“A study like this is unheard of,” continued Oswald.

“We’ve enlisted essentially the entire scientific community, from people trying to find the cure for diseases to kids burning ants with a magnifying glass ‘just to see what would happen.’ And our results are nearly unanimous and unquestionably conclusive: the ocean at night is scary. Like just really scary. Have you seen it? It’s super dark and ominous, and sometimes it glows blue. It’s probably like plankton or something, but we’ll never know for sure. Plus it’s cold, and I’m pretty sure some kid peed in it last year, which is gross. And I have the entire scientific community to back me up on that.”

After Oswald’s announcement, plans have been made on both coasts to move their cities inland in order to get as far away from the oceans as possible. In an attempt to quell public outcry and panic, the U.S. government has deployed the Coast Guard to form a perimeter on both coasts for the entire coastline, and has encouraged them to stay watchful and alert through all hours of the day.

The Coast Guard has refrained from keeping the

PHOTO By Jonathan Funes

The SWAT team wasn’t sure the helicopter was completely necessary for the arrest, but it did prevent the ocean from escaping by air. perimeter at night for fear it is too dangerous for the servicemen and servicewomen.

Many members of the Coast Guard have also taken to shouting insults at the ocean, in an effort to demoralize it. This has reportedly been helpful for general morale among the coastal population, but is unlikely to actually intimidate the water.

California has been particularly active in attempting to combat this threat, and is making steps towards moving coastal cities as far inland as possible, preferably into other states. In a statement issued by

the newly-appointed California-Arizona Migration Chairman, John Grayson, he outlined his plans for moving the coastal cities towards Arizona.

“Well, if I’m honest, we’re not sure,” he said, hunching down under his desk to pull on galoshes. “Ideally, we just get a bunch of big helicopters and hook them onto buildings and just fly them all one at a time over to some empty space in the desert.

But if that doesn’t work, we might have to just abandon our homes and frantically run inland and pray the citizens of Arizona have room

for us. I’m pretty sure they all know how to make adobe huts, so I think, in theory, we can all just live in mud huts dug into a cliff face as a last resort.

“Whatever we do, we have to move quickly. At 8 p.m. last night, the tide was … eight inches above sea level,” said Grayson, pulling out a large map of the state. “At 8 a.m. this morning, the tide was six feet above sea level. If this trend continues, Los Angeles will be completely underwater in three days. We need to act now. The ocean is coming for us. She hungers.”

Letter from the Editors

Addressing the Recent Election

I

n the aftermath of the recent election, and given our new president-elect, we as a publication have decided to briefly break our traditional satirical voice to discuss our intentions moving forward. It is very abnormal for us to use this space to address our readers in a sincere tone. However, this is also a very abnormal situation to be in — so, we are responding in kind.

An unqualified and bigoted man will soon become our president for the next four years, a situation which itself seems borderline satirical. He has already begun to do and say things that would have seemed completely ridiculous or unacceptable before this election cycle, and he will doubtlessly continue to do so throughout his presidency. It is extremely disheartening for us to know that there will be so much to criticize; nevertheless, we hope to continue to combat the prevalent hateful mindsets and harmful policies to the best of our ability.

We know that the results of this election can not simply be laughed off, and a satirical newspaper can by no means solve everything that has happened or will happen. Addressing this situation will take the daily concern and continued action of all individuals (ourselves included) to build a supportive and united community.

We are only a small part of that community, and as a student org, we aim to be cognizant of both our own flaws/limitations and the diverse struggles and situations of our readers when addressing the issues to come.

That said, we believe that satire can serve an important function amidst the current political and social climate.

Good satire criticizes existing power structures (and significantly powerful or privileged individuals). Hard-hitting and unwavering criticism of the new political administration will become increasingly

important, as it serves as a reminder that discriminatory mindsets should never become normalized or tolerated. When persevering through this setback in American politics, our greatest risk is complacency in the face of our past progress being destroyed. We plan to avoid this at all costs. We vow to provide strong, direct criticism of Trump’s presidency throughout his time in office.

Humor can also, at times, provide a much-needed break from particularly troubling situations. We will continue to incorporate different light-hearted and non-political content into future issues. Our intention with this is not to belittle or avoid larger problems and dire circumstances, but rather to give readers an opportunity to temporarily escape their own difficult realities while laughing at something imaginary.

With the blatant absurdity and surrealness of events already surrounding Trump’s future presidency, it is difficult for us to further exaggerate or create novel ways to look at such a deeply flawed status quo.

However, we believe that now more than ever, it is important to present current problems in new contexts that highlight and emphasize exactly why those problems are so unacceptable.

Portraying ideas and events through strong symbolism, juxtaposition, and other literary techniques demonstrates how sharply they contrast with the ideals that we should be working towards, and also serves to capture different perspectives or reactions to an issue.

This is the beginning of a long and hard four years. It will not be pleasant or remotely easy to repair ensuing damage or prevent looming chaos. But we’re going to do our best to be part of the solution, through our own satirical angle. We’ll try to address and dismantle the current state of politics as a continued reminder that we, as a nation, can and will do better.

TOP Ten

Goals Obama Has for His Last Month in Office 10. Upgrade Obamacare to Super-MegaObamacare 9. Take all the copper out of the walls 8. Play “Mad World” through every room speaker as he touches every curtain 7. Install that sweet spoiler on the presidential limo 6. Change every clock to be three minutes fast just to mess with people 5. Get his safety deposit back 4. Not be called a Muslim 3. Take that trip he and Joe always talked about, steal his dad’s car (you know, the red Corvette), and drive out to a cabin in the woods like that fateful night eight years ago. One last hurrah 2. Finally get up the courage to ask what happened at Roswell 1. Reveal that his full name is Barack Hussein Weinstein Obama WARNING! Don’t expose to sunlight.

Best stored in a cool, dry place.

Perishable if not refrigerated. And finally: Danger! Hot!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

theMQ.org

November 30, 2016

U.S. Prison Guards Negligent, Panopticon-Opticon Built to Watch Guards

By Cole Greenbaun

I

Content Editor

n a recent study of United States prisons, 83 percent of prison guards were found to be not watching prisoners for a majority of their shifts. This news has come as a shock to the United States, where prisons are proudly known for their substandard or completely lacking health services for prisoners, excessively high prison populations due to mandatory minimum sentencing, and treatment of prisons as businesses aiming to gain a profit.

“I want to get one thing straight,” said Corrections Corporation of America (CCA) CEO Damon Hininger.

“In our prisons, we do not tolerate the neglect of prisoners. Yes, we may serve food that’s full of maggots, and yes, we may have a lot of prisoners who are physically or sexually abused by guards or other inmates, but the difference is all that happens knowingly under our watch. If the guards aren’t doing their jobs, we can’t know if prisoners are receiving the rehabilitation via constant mistreatment that they need.”

In order to combat this “horrifying” statistic, CCA has built a “state of the art” Panopticon-opticon.

Conceptualized by French philosopher Michel Foucault, a panopticon is a circular prison where all cells can be observed at any given time from a single, central watchtower with reflective glass.

Foucault claims since prisoners never know when they are being watched, they act as if they are always watched and thus internalize their own surveillance. The CCA’s Panopticon-opticon allows guards to watch 5,000 pris-

Is It Just Me, or Did Nathan’s Friend Turn into a Handsome Young Man? By rachel Haberstein

Nathan’s Mom ey Martha, do you remember that kid who used to play with Nathan when they were kids? Yeah, Brandon, the one that always wanted to play tag once school let out. Well, he and Nathan ended up going to the same college, you know, I think they’re roommates.

Anyway, apparently Brandon ended up joining a weightlifting club or something, Nathan kept sending me pictures and joking about how he had to keep shooing girls away from their room so they could study. Apparently Brandon’s turned into a bit of a ladies’ man. And I can see why, he’s certainly turned into a handsome young gentleman!

Although, he’s always been good with the ladies, mind you. I remember when they went to prom, Brandon couldn’t decide on which

H

cheerleader to ask to prom so he just ended up asking all of them at once, and poor Nathan couldn’t get a date at all so I went with him so he didn’t feel bad. It’s good that Nathan’s always had Brandon around him to be his shoulder to cry on. I hope nothing ever comes between them.

Anyway, Brandon came over to visit and play Nintendos with Nathan over the summer and my, he’s gotten strong. And tan, too. This is an excellent wine, by the way.

COUNTERPOINT

PHOTO By barak tzori

“Hey, who’s this asshole pointing at the screen?” said San Quentin Guard Gerald Aur. oners from its traditional central watchtower, which itself has an internal watchtower monitoring the guards in order to verify that they are watching the prisoners. This design requires hiring 30 percent more guards who may or may not be assigned to the watchtower’s watchtower.

“It’s quite a simple concept,” said Hininger. “With the Panopticon-opticon, our guards are always watched, and we will always know that they are doing their jobs. We cannot have any more slacking off. As a guard, one has to make sure to watch any shifty inmates, to see to it that no escape plans are being made, and to turn a blind eye to any rapes or fights

occurring. Otherwise, why even have a prison in the first place?”

The Panopticon-opticon, located in Great Falls, Montana, was contracted out by the Department of Justice and functions as a private prison run by the CCA. Reportedly, the prison cost 98 million dollars to build and costs an additional 50 million dollars to run each year, which is already 100 million dollars cheaper than first projected, due to the elimination of any reading or video entertainment for inmates, reduction of cell space from 10-by-7 feet to 6-by-4 feet, and using stitched-together paper bags as uniforms.

In order to make a profit, since the usual savings from

neglecting prisoners were negated by the costs of the additional watchtower, CCA has decided to rent out inmates as testers for experimental technologies and medical procedures.

“This is a huge plus for both the CCA and the prisoners,” said Hininger. “Finally, we will be able to see if putting a salt/sugar mixture in a wound will be work just as well as antibiotics, and prisoners will be treated to basic medical care from an actual doctor, not just a guard wearing a lab coat that looks at their injuries for 40 seconds and says they are fine, before throwing them into an isolation cell half naked. A winwin situation, really.”

Local Asbestos in Ceiling Feeling Lonely, Wants to Come Out

By Jessica Ma and Hasan Abu-Amara Staff Writers

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tudents in Revelle’s Argo Hall have reported hearing loud sobbing in the middle of the night for the past couple of weeks. A thorough investigation concluded that the mysterious sounds originated from inside the walls of the buildings, where legally encapsulated asbestos is locked away.

An inside source has reported that this specific asbestos, named A.S. Bestos, who is locked in the ceilings of various buildings around UCSD’s campus, has recently been feeling dejected. According to this source, the solitary confinement of the material has, over the course of many decades, “slowly driven it into misery.”

The confinement of asbestos is a relatively modern phenomenon. It was commonly used as an insulator until the 1980s; since then, it has been banned from most developed countries. The United States remains one of the few remaining natural habitats for the material.The insulating silicate recently gave an exclusive interview.

“I can’t even visit CAPS, because they won’t let me out of here,” said Bestos.

“I just want to be a part of the UCSD student body.

Inside all of your lungs.”

Asbestos sympathizers state that, as a longtime resident of UCSD, Bestos should be treated with more respect. Keshev Mejia, a second year, claimed that Bestos is actually quite helpful to students.

“Yeah, see I was taking my third O-Chem midterm, and I just had, like, no clue about

POINT

Momma Horny

By rachel Haberstein Nathan’s Drunk Mom

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ook, Martha. I don’t know how much of that sweet college poon Brandon’s been getting in college but I guaran-goddamn-tee you I know my way around a dick, and I’d rock his world so fast he’d start vomiting blood.

Remember a few years ago when we had that huge blackout and lost power for like a week? That started because I banged Jimmy the pizza guy in the back of his truck after my shift at the diner. He came by and asked me if I wanted an extra sausage and then — I don’t want to brag, mind you, this is just what happened — it was so good he got a rather extreme case of amnesia, forgot who he was, and then drove headfirst into a transformer that exploded and caused rolling blackouts for like a week.

He’s fine now, mostly, although he developed an accent that doctors seem to think is Estonian. Anyway, I swear, Martha, if I got my hands on Brandon, I would just ruin his life. And he’d love it.

I haven’t felt such a warmth in my groin since I saw Emilio Estevez in “The Breakfast Club.” I feel alive again, Martha. Brandon’s coming over for dinner on Friday, and I think I’m gonna make my move then.

I’ll wear my sexiest high-waisted jeans and make the same stuffed cabbage he used to love when he was in middle school, he won’t be able to resist me.

He might have learned some fun tricks in college, but he’s only … what, like 20? I’m 58 — I’ve been plowing dudes since before email existed, he can’t compete. And that’s just how I like them.

I’m good, Martha. I’m real good.

TOP Ten

Things that Will Happen If California Secedes

PHOTO By connor gorry

“They said this relationship would be difficult, but we’re trying asbestos we can,” said Cassie Justad, the insulator’s star-crossed lover. any of the problems, but then I heard a voice coming from the ceiling giving me the answers! The professor freaked out and started screaming about how the CIA finally found him and that he wasn’t going down without a fight, so he canceled the midterm and ran out of the lecture hall with a baseball bat in hand. Bestos saved my life and my GPA on that midterm! It’s awesome!”

A group of activists from UC Berkeley flew down to the UCSD campus Friday evening in order to protest on Library Walk to stop the containment of the asbestos.

“We should all be free to do whatever we want,” said one student, who gave the pseudonym PoLIti KiD1776. “After

all, this country was created so that we could all be free. And this isn’t my school, so I don’t really care about the consequences of my actions here.”

However, others have taken a more defensive role of the imprisonment. Vanessa Langley, a student at Warren, claims that “this school is full of shutins anyways. Why should this be any different?”

“Don’t you all know how dangerous asbestos is?” another student was heard responding. “I’d rather be UC Socially Dead than UC Actually Dead.”

While the factions are still arguing on outside, Bestos remains locked within building walls. Currently, Argo Hall is being renovated due to salt-

water damage from tears. As a consequence, Bestos has tried all means and methods to contact HDH for a dorm room while repairs are undertaken. HDH has refused the requests, stating that it does not want to deal with complaints from students already living in cramped conditions, and that Bestos’s financial aid has not been received yet, most likely since Bestos lacked a Social Security number and had not signed up for FAFSA. “HDH is under no obligation to provide housing to squatters,” replied the HDH Dean of Rejection, Prineet Nosla. “Also, I think we’re supposed to only give dorm rooms to humans.”

10. UC Riverside’s national ranking will rise exponentially 9. Nevada will finally get the coastline it has always wanted 8. We’ll get to use the metric system like normal countries 7. Avocados will become a polarizing topic 6. San Francisco housing prices will go... somewhere?

5. Our official language will be ‘Dude’ 4. Jerry Brown will assume his monarch position by divine right 3. The rest of the country will start calling California Rolls “Freedom Rolls” 2. Your aunt will say she’s changed her views about gay people, but she really won’t 1. Glendale will take advantage of the confusion and reunite with Armenia

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Scientists Conclude that They Just Can’t

The Future of California Weed Since California has legalized weed and thereby joined the states of Colorado, Washington, and “Being Baked as Hell,” the future is hazy. Who knows what will happen as a result of this momentous occasion? Well, after smoking a quick joint and talking to some hitchhikers, we were able to come up with these predictions for California’s future.

April 20, 2017

In a bittersweet defeat, this date will be unanimously declared no longer a holiday. Reportedly, this April 20th will have the lowest amount of sick days taken in California history, but the highest amount of workers.

December 15, 2019

In a momentous victory for the stoner community, the Dudes will finally find their car.

August 17, 2020

PHOTO By connor gorry

“Think of science as a bunch of colorblind people doing a Where’s Waldo,” said TedX presenter Jeff Cerros. “We can’t find shit.”

By Lauren Kirkbride and Hannah Rosenblatt

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Design Editor and Managing Editor

his past week, after decades of foundational work filled with hard labor, dedication, and a steady funding source, scientists at the University of Painbridge have concluded that they simply cannot conclude conclusively.

Two weeks ago, radioelectro-expecto-petronologist Kand Deil ran tests to confirm the results of his latest research, growing “slightly curled, but not curly in an obnoxious way” mustaches on platypi. He was trying to affirm that his “platypustache” formula guaranteed the creation of this ideal mustache. However, after many attempts, he was only able to consistently produce a slightly off-centered soul patch. What he found challenged the conventional scientific platform: humans cannot conclude anything from his conclusion.

“As researchers, we simply cannot conclude that

the results will conclusively work,” Deil explained at the Existential Criscientist Convention (ECC) this past Friday. “Our tests can result in as much as a 99 percent probability of success, or even a 99.9999 percent probability of success. But there will always be external factors that may contribute to its failing, something we weren’t able to test in a lab. We just can’t conclude the outcomes perfectly, no matter how many tests we run. We just can’t ...” Deil then dropped his head onto the microphone and quietly began singing “Hallelujah.”

Deil’s conclusive nonconclusion has prompted much backlash from fellow researchers at the ECC. Brittany Chati, a researcher at Yale with a PhD in probable probability, immediately challenged Deil’s argument.

“When we say a medicine has a 98.3 percent success rate and a 32 percent chance of potential side effects, that’s our conclusion,” Chati asserted. “The medicine doesn’t have to work 100 percent of

the time for the probability of it to be conclusive. It just has to have side effects exactly 32 percent of the time to be 100 percent conclusive, with which it ... wait ... can a probability be conclusive? Or can it only be probably conclusive?” Other scientists responded to Chati by looking at Deil and singing along to “Hallelujah,” in order to distract him from contemplating the implications of error bars.

In his last public press conference, Deil stated that his only purpose of going into research was to know that at least one thing was completely conclusive in life. “It would have been like my rock, you know?” Deil explained. “No matter how many times I had to change houses, romantic partners, jobs, or laundry detergents, I would have that one constant thing I knew was certain. Alas, despite years of exhaustingly slow work and imagined gradual progress, I found that even my goal of conclusively concluding the genetic factors responsible for platypi moustaches was out of

reach, just like that recentlydiscontinued magnolia-scented Tide detergent.”

Researchers are now working tirelessly to try and confirm the initial results of Deil’s work. However, progress is slow. “We’re really close to determining just how certain it is that we can never conclude anything,” explained Chati, who has been spearheading an aggressive project aimed at confirming the results.

“We just need to do one or two more experiments, and then we’ll be able to conclude, err, I mean, mostly conclude, I mean, there’s still room for error with the experimental limitations and whatnot, but maybe we’ll know with like at least 98 percent certainty, but that won’t be entirely conclusive, so there’s technically still a possibility we could conclusively conclude something, I mean, I don’t think we’re ever going to conclude that we can’t ever conclude, unless maybe if we designed a perfectly conclusive experiment on conclusions, but even then, we ... we just can’t.”

400 Million Dollars Sent to Haiti to Aid Cholera Outbreak; Fiji Water Plant Built

By Paola Diaz and Brandon Moguel

Staff Writers n an act of incredible generosity, the United Nations (U.N.) has sent 400 million dollars to aid in the cholera outbreak in Haiti, which coincidentally began at the same time as a U.N. Peacekeeping camp was built to station troops after the 2010 earthquake. Instead of directly paying Haitians afflicted with the disease, however, the U.N. has decided that the most reasonable course of action is to offer the relief as a grant to the Fiji corporation to build a bottling plant on the island nation.

“If those people didn’t think Fiji Water tasted different than regular water, they certainly will now,” proclaimed Derek Rivers, head of distribution at Fiji Corp.

The country’s remaining potable water will be redirected to the plant, where it will be bottled and then redirected to Haitian supermarkets.

“What we’re offering is a chance for the Haitian people to see the gold glistening at the bottom of these contaminated waters. And nothing says ‘gold rush’ quite like cholera … there’s gold in this here deadly epidemical bacterial infection!” exclaimed Rivers, imitating a 19th century prospector.

This project faces many criticisms; the fact that Haiti and Fiji are different islands is particular at the forefront of complaints.

“As long as the water is

In a miraculous feat of genetic engineering that is the culmination of six years of research, the first kale-marijuana hybrid plant will be created. This will lead to a two year long fad that will entrance the state and lead to three deaths from someone trying to smoke a kale-marijuana smoothie while driving.

2022

The social effects of the “Weed Age” will begin to be felt as “Broseph” breaks into the top 10 baby names in California.

2023

In a tumultuous year, California will finally become “too stoned” and end up forgetting just where exactly it had put its traditional family values. The last place it will remember having them is right behind its white picket fence alongside its white nuclear family.

March 15, 2024

The first self-driving car will be pulled over for driving while stoned, leading to an extensive state campaign to raise awareness among self-driving cars about the dangers of driving under the influence. It will be called, “Smoke That Kush, Turn Your Circuits to Mush.”

May 23rd, 2025 On this day, vape sales will surpass water pipe sales. Many will say this will be the day that weed became officially “not cool” and vaping will officially become “fucking sweet bro.”

2027 California will finally transition from the largest producer of food in the nation to the largest producer of marijuana in the nation, leaving the USA with a major crisis of “the munchies.”

June 6, 2031 In an attempt to revamp his popularity among youngsters and ease his arthritis, Jerry Brown will smoke some “high quality cannabis” in hospice. He will die three hours later.

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TOP Ten

Similarities between Babies and Cinnamon Rolls PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

“No, please stop!” said Haitian patient Tamara Dabrezil. “My health insurance only covers Arrowhead!” warm and the people are brown, no one’s gonna know they’re different,” assured Manny Ager, the foreman of the plant. “It doesn’t matter if it’s Haiti or Tahiti or Miami, Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama, people are gonna pay a good price for beachfront water.”

The supplemental funds extend to developments in the capital city, Port-au-Prince.

According to a report from Georges Foreman, the operations manager of the city’s water authority, the city’s entire sewer system will need to be flushed out to eradicate the cholera spreading through the system. In the meantime, Foreman assures that the nation’s sanitation needs will be met by a series of “specially-

designed, cutting-edge temporary restroom facilities,” officially referred to as Portau-Potties.

There has been word of backlash from the Haitian community, but Rivers is quick to dispel these rumors.

“I’ve spoken with our native workers,” said Rivers, “and they’ve embraced this new opportunity for productivity. In fact, I received a correspondence from one of our employees just this morning”.

Rivers submitted the following transcript of the letter: “To Mr. Rivers and the Fiji Corporation: In no way does this bottling plant solve the cholera crisis.

We don’t believe you have a solution. How can you believe this to be sufficient? I cannot

even afford the 3. 62 dollar bottle of water when I earn an hourly wage of 3.50 dollars!

The project is wasteful of funding, money that could really be helping us. My child has fallen ill, and my wife is too weak to care for him. This is a gross addition, an action too late, a burden to an impoverished enviro[ve]nment.”

“If there’s still a trickle of hesitation, allow me to put it at ease,” concluded Rivers.

“There’s this old Haitian proverb that I’ve heard whispered among the workers, and it’s very mysterious, but I think there’s some meaning to it.

They say, ‘Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to filter water, I just wasted 400 million dollars.’”

10. “I have one in the oven” 9. Just kind of a messy ordeal 8. If left alone long enough, both will grow hair 7. Generally do better if paler in color 6. There’s that story about King Solomon splitting one in two 5. You can get a federal tax credit for them 4. Fun to make in your free time 3. “My mom wants me to bring some home” 2. Was an impulse buy after getting bedroom furniture at IKEA 1. “I left mine on the bench outside of Macy’s” List us as a reference.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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Holiday House That goddamn dog won't stop peeing on me.

No.

Where the Magic Happens

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Sweet Release

The Warzone

They won’t find me here. Finally, I don’t have to go to that dinner.

The Land of the Forgotte

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The holidays can get pretty chaotic; with the whole family over for the festivities, it can be difficult to keep track of everything that’s going on! There’s always a little Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/non-denominational winter holiday magic going on in every corner of the house. Every moment of this gathering is special, and snapshots like these show the memories families will always remember — even if they would rather forget.

Raccoonukkah

Old Majestic

Fancy Feast

en

Wow, Linda seasoned this shit perfectly.

The Interrogation Room

The True Turducken

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Local Students Refuse to Forgive TA for Small Mistake

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Bus Drivers Should Not Sacrifice a Whole Shuttle of Students for Five Foolish Traffic Violators

By Annette Bleak

Candid Sorrento Estates Resident

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“I swear if this wasn’t mandatory, I’d never be at discussion,” the TA muttered angrily.

By Frances Debrunner

Staff Writer n Wednesday night, an anonymous TA reportedly added a negative sign where there should not have been one in homework problem 37 of Math 20D. Witnesses at the scene reported that the TA paused in writing the problem on the chalkboard, turned around, and apologized to the students present.

For sophomore and front row constant Patrick J. Jones, this was “just not enough.”

“Well, too bad,” said Jones.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say that we definitely don’t forgive you. Just, logistically, I don’t see how we could without sending you the message that this sort of thing is

O

permissible. That was totally out of line.”

Jones’ fellow students “agreed” with this statement.

Junior Sam Smith disclosed that last week, the TA in question mixed up the “completely different fractions” of 3/4 and 4/3. “I almost walked out, like, I just don’t know how much more of this bullshit I can take,” Smith said. “Isn’t there a screening process for these people?”

As a class, the students from section B00 demanded a formal letter of apology from the TA, written in the style of English from the 19th century or earlier, with at least four uses of the word “hence.” “A ‘whom’ would be nice too,” added Smith.

Jones noted that he had written up a basic template for the apology letter for the TA promptly after the first discussion, when “this ‘TA’ completely forgot the subscript on a variable. Could I still understand the problem? Sure, I GUESS. But that’s not really the point here, is it?”

Jones added that he recognized Wednesday’s mistake “like way, way, way before the TA did. Yeah, just, uhh, didn’t feel like saying anything because uhhm...I uhh, didn’t wanna make everyone else feel bad. Uh, yeah...that’s it. Yeah.”

Junior Suzy Quentin, although enrolled in the Wednesday discussion section, could not make it the

PHOTO By connor gorry

week of “The Mistake” due to a scheduling conflict.

“Oh god, did they do that thing again?” asked Quentin.

“Where everyone gets up on their desks and then Patrick starts waving a scroll around and quoting ‘Independence Day?’ Jesus, that happens every week.”

The TA could not be reached for comment, but select witnesses report that just as the students requested she handwrite the apology letter using a locally sourced goose feather quill, she began to emit a sound most often associated with particularly angry flamingoes and promptly rolled out of the room in the fetal position. She has not been seen since.

A Guide to Interview Body Language

Interviews can be difficult in this day and age. One of the best advantages you can have going into a meeting is being able to read the body language of your interviewer so you know how you’re doing. Here is a practical guide to understanding your interviewer, as well as understanding what kind of body language you should make yourself look as qualified as possible, even if you’re not remotely qualified for the job.

“The Moneyshot”

This is subtle gesture that carries a lot of importance in terms of sealing the deal and getting that job. Once the interviewer places the 20 dollar bill swiftly between their thighs you have only moments to act to show the three D’s necessary to illustrate your worth: dedication, determination and depravity. Either a) politely look away from the crotch to show your professionalism, b) slyly smile, and snatch the bill away and shove it in your wallet to show your determination to gain profit for the company, or c) grab the bill with your mouth and look up at them with eyes that just beg for it (the job). The last one will not get you the job but it will get you a fun time in the Arby’s bathroom.

“The Multi-Task”

When demonstrating your worth to an interviewer, actions can be even more powerful than the words you use to describe your entire life’s worth in three sentences. By illustrating your ability to multitask in high-stress situations, you end up proving that not only are you right for the job, but you can definitely finish 12 nine-page T-56 forms by tomorrow morning just so your boss can slap their name on it and get another 10,000 dollar bonus. You will even be mentally fine with it, and that ability fills almost every requirement an interviewer is looking for.

“The Cold Shoulder”

Sometimes it can be difficult to know if your interview is going well or if it’s starting to go downhill. Be on the lookout for any crude body language. If you see that your interviewer is rolling up their sleeves to reveal unnecessarily vulgar terms tattooed on their forearms, it might be time to re-evaluate how your interview has been going. If your interviewer is also getting ready to throw their chair at you and ripping off their suit to reveal a wrestling singlet, it may be time to either find a new job or get ready for a SmackDown.

he trolley problem: a recurrent topic of philosophical and ethical disputations has now been examined in real life. To everyone’s great disappointment, the bus driver designated the task completely screwed it up.

It was early in the morning when a UCSD bus driver drove a fully loaded shuttle off a highway to avoid five assholes in the road that were looking up at the sky, searching for constellations. Fortunately, none of the students in the shuttle were injured.

Nonetheless, none of them had a way to get to their final exam due to the shuttle’s destruction, and unfortunately failed their Metabolic Biochemistry class.

The driver’s irrational decision and the devastating consequences that followed shocked me terribly. Everybody knows what missing a final exam means to a college student! Their dreams of being a doctor or an engineer, ruined. Now those poor students will be restrained to the life of an overly-educated waiter or office administrator.

Thus, the bus driver, who had the steering wheel and all of these students’ lives in his hands, was obliged to choose to preserve the majority of lives. By refusing to plow through the people on

the road, he saved the lives of five clearly foolish people but told society that it’s okay to ignore traffic laws. He also ruined a whole 48 lives, rather than just taking five. This is ridiculous!

The students on shuttle, begged for the driver’s mercy so hard, but the latter “just wouldn’t speed ahead, no matter how loudly [they] screamed that [their] GPAs were between a 3.8 and a 3.9.”

When the shuttle finally toppled on the roadside, a few students fell to the ground, and wailed out their hearts.

It is horrifying that in this country, not only is the majority sacrificed for the few, but society’s ultimate right to punish those who trample on traffic rules with swift execution is also deprived.

For everyone’s right to pursue their happiness in the form of a fancy degree and to live in a safe traffic-law abiding society, I strongly condemn the driver’s irresponsible, impulsive behavior!

COUNTERPOINT

The Students in that Shuttle Were Not Even Worth a CBy Charles Wang

UCSD Biochemistry Professor Last night I received an email from a student asking what would happen if he missed the final exam, “for unavoidable reasons,” per him, “such as a car accident.”

I wasn’t totally aware what he meant at the time, six hours right before the incident, so I emailed him back. “I would take that into consideration.”

That was my reply.

Now I’m hearing the news that 48 students from my 209-student class have been involved in a classic philosophical trolley problem and thus couldn’t make to the exam. This is ridiculous. I am young, inexperienced, and fighting for tenure, but that doesn’t mean I’m easy to fool.

For instance, it’s not impossible that I happened to have a student on my Snapchat friend list, and happened to see their most recent Story. I kindly suggest that the student in question come to my office, before I email all your pictures of the

“broken-down” shuttle and the partying students to the academic integrity office. Seriously consider this for your own good and for my career.

And to the bus driver, kindest regards: I appreciate your godly spirit in trying to save those five people, and I am sincerely sorry that you have been dragged into all these moral debates. I have a question for everyone blaming this nice man from a unilateralist perspective: who ever told you these students could pass their final and survive the class, had they made to the exam on time?

“Born With It”

The best tactic to utilize body language to ensure you have a better chance of nailing this interview is simple: be a man who grew up in a white, affluent family that lives in a wealthy area. Just by being born with a privileged race/ gender/socioeconomic status, the interviewer will immediately treat you differently than any other candidate; to them, this body language means you are more than qualified. And the best part is that with this body language, the interviewer will believe you are the right man for the job without even having to look at your resume!

Olympic gold medalists in competitive hand-holding.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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Creator of EpiPen Raises Price to One Human Soul

Local Man Almost Gets Job, Dog in Suit Hired Instead

PHOTO By jessica ma

As Chien walked in on Sparky, the dog barked, “Don’t mind me, I’m just practicing for my board meeting.”

by Daniel Clinton

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PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

“Don’t worry honey, it’s not much longer. Daddy’s gonna win you an unobstructed airway,” said John Vera with a pair of fours in his hand.

by Sage Cristal

Staff Writer ince 2009, the price of the EpiPen has inflated nearly 500 percent due to Mylan, the producer of EpiPens, overcharging the government and taking advantage of Medicaid’s rebate program. Due to Mylan’s abuse of this system, the EpiPen may have cost the government a minimum of 80 million dollars. As if these price hikes are not enough, Mylan’s CEO Heather Bresch recently called a press conference in which she announced another price hike that raised the price to approximately one human soul.

“Due to the recent congressional hearings I have been required to attend,” Bresch said in a statement to reporters, “I have missed momentous events that would

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have resulted in the expansion of my personal wealth and esteem. As a result, I feel it is only fair to raise the price on the infernal gadget that put me in court in the first place.” Bresch continued to list the various events that she claims would have made her “richer than Scrooge McDuck,” including yacht casino nights, the estate sales of David Bowie and Muhammad Ali, and Friday night bridge games with “the gals.”

Bresch announced that, as of November 1, a standard two-pack of EpiPens will cost one human soul for those who are on Medicaid and three human souls for those who are not covered. Bresch also made it exceedingly clear that any non-human soul would not be accepted as payment for EpiPens.

Jessie Coolidge, a semipracticing physician in the La Jolla area, stated that she believes Bresch is altering the price on EpiPens for reasons other than monetary greed.

“This is the first time in over a decade that a medication manufacturer has forced customers to pay one human soul for their pharmaceuticals,” said Coolidge. “It is my understanding, as well as the assumption of my colleagues, that Bresch has made a deal with the devil and must barter the various allergy-afflicted souls she procures in order to secure her own soul.”

In the days following Bresch’s staggering announcement, there has been a monumental backlash from EpiPen users, many of whom have resorted to protesting local dispensaries like CVS, Rite-

Aid, and the pharmacy section of Costco. However, the price hike on EpiPens has not had a noticeable impact on sales.

Abraham Jones, an EpiPen customer who frequently undergoes severe anaphylactic shock, was outraged by the rising price of EpiPens, but admitted that he would continue to purchase them.

“I am really allergic to bees,” said Jones. “I’m like, deathly allergic. And I’ll be damned if I die to an obese, taxi-colored bug. I’d rather spend eternity buffing the callouses out of Satan’s feet than die to a bumblebee.

“That being said, I don’t currently have Medicaid, so if you know two people that don’t really need their souls, or two people that sign documents without reading the fine print, please call me.”

Local High School Replaces Free Response Essays with New Improv Writing Curriculum

By Lawrence Lee

Web Editor ooddard Poe High School, a private high school in San Diego County, has just released their revised 2017–2018 English curriculum, which now features a new focus on “improvised writing” in addition to the regular essay-writing taught in most high schools.

Elizabeth Telesco, head of the English department at Wooddard Poe, considers the curriculum change a monumental step towards raising the quality and quantity of writing the students produce.

“Improvisation breaks the shackles of traditional essay forms — creative, persuasive, or otherwise,” said Telesco.

“Students are free to stretch their minds and flex their improvised thinking caps, which makes them more comfortable and in their element when they write.”

“See, a stodgy, old-fashioned in-class persuasive essay has anxious students come into class and crank out, excuse my language, ink-andpaper concoctions resembling crap,” Telesco said. “Compare that with an improvised writing exercise, which creates no additional stress on the students! They simply come into class, laughing and smiling, and we provide a prompt. Just like in regular improvisational comedy, students can expect the prompt to be about a few general topic areas, but instead of politics, pop culture, and Antarctic researchers drinking Starbucks, those topics are lightly related to some past literarily significant read-

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Distribution Captain

ocal man Terry Chien was interviewing for the position of Account Manager at DoorStops International when he was passed over in favor of a golden retriever in a suit.

“Terry seemed well qualified for the position, but when I saw Sparky, I knew we had our man,” commented DoorStops CEO Larry Hund.

Chien, a recent college graduate, wanted to make an impression with the interviewers. “I thought it would be fun to bring my dog to the interview. Larry had mentioned his love for dogs previously and I just wanted to be memorable,” explained Chien. “Knowing what I know now, I wish I could take it all back.”

“He just looked so damn cute in his little suit. I wanted to eat him up,” squealed Hund.

“Hiring Sparky was the single best decision I have ever made as DoorStops CEO. Our recent market projections show that we will hit our quarter profit goal in just two dog months, and it’s all thanks to Sparky.”

“At first, it seemed funny to me,” said Chien. “My own dog hired over me. The comedy of the situation wore off quickly. Dropping off and picking up Sparky every day while continuing my own job search became frustrating and tiring.

“I wouldn’t mind it so much if Sparky would help pay rent,” continued Chien. “But all he spends his salary on is dog toys and dog ramps. One ramp up to my bed was fine,

but seven ramps up to my bed forces me to skateboard into bed every night.”

The recent hire of Sparky at DoorStops International has exposed widespread issues with hiring practices throughout corporate America. Despite Sparky’s landmark achievement, recent studies have shown that zero dogs are currently employed by Fortune 500 companies. Dog activists like Eduardo Cachorro have risen up to bring attention to the difficulty of breaking into the American workforce for dogs in suits.

“Dogs are people too,” said Cachorro. “Dog labor is an issue that is too often pushed under the rug and then walked around on in a circle and then sat on.”

While Dog Labor has its fair share of supporters, it has also been met with opposition. “All these people gawking over a dog in a suit are stupid.

Why would anyone ever hire a dog in a suit?” remarked Macy Ngeru, a local activist for hiring cats in suits. “It’s like they’ve never seen my cat Tiger in his blazer. Now that cat looks employable.”

“I still love Sparky. No job can get in the way of a man’s best friend,” admitted Chien.

“Though, he always comes home looking so drained ... I can’t remember the last time we played a game of fetch. I just want to know where the puppy I adopted went. It’s like I’ve lost him, but no matter how much I yell his name and put up lost dog posters, I can never get my Sparky back.”

TOP Ten

Reasons to Cut Down More Trees

PHOTO By connor gorry

As they began, one student turned to the class and said, “Alright, can we get a topic sentence from the audience to start us off?” ings they were assigned previously.”

“Then they let their minds roam wherever they may in order to produce well-crafted and cohesive improvised writing pieces that answer the prompt with freeform, nontrivial arguments without any previous preparation. Doesn’t that sound so much better than normal, boring in-class essays?”

In order to prepare for the upcoming curriculum change, the school is currently running a single beta course that implements those changes in its teaching. The beta course, designated “English 11 Improv” or ENGL 11I, runs mostly parallel to other eleventhgrade English courses, with

the addition of improvised writing exercises and the removal of corresponding traditional exercises.

“This is still a perfectly valid course that teaches essential writing skills, despite the curriculum differences,” said David Jackson, a veteran faculty member and the teacher of ENGL 11I. “Improv performers inherently follow guidelines that correspond very well to what makes a strong writing piece. Providing context and history is a fantastic way to flesh out the exposition of an essay or to give depth to a scene. And of course, instead of rejecting or questioning previous points, writers and improvisers should always strive to

build upon them, eventually amassing to a glorious, entertaining, false reality created through pure spontaneity. Or, you know, in the improviser’s case, a great performance.”

“If their test scores are at least on par with what we had before, I’d be satisfied,” remarked Telesco. “There are always growing pains, so it would already be pretty impressive if the students performed just as well under the new curriculum right off the bat.”

At press time, Jackson was struggling to reconcile with a massive spike in plagiarism from her students, 15 of whom had ended their most recent improvised essays with “Yes, and…”

10. It’s currently too easy to breathe 9. To spruce up your dorm room 8. Where else is Seventh College going to go?

7. Because no one heard you the last time you cut one down 6. The FDA won’t let you test reverse sap injection on humans 5. The fewer trees in the Amazon, the faster the shipping 4. You’re tired of your cat getting stuck in them 3. Little Bobby can’t complain about not having a treehouse if there are no trees 2. The environmentalist need something to protest — they don’t have much going for them 1. You’re a thrill seeker and your current dildo isn’t cutting it Most used but least effective umbrella.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 10

theMQ.org

November 30, 2016

Area Woman Has Thanksgiving with Family, Decides to Spend Christmas Alone

Nominees for 240th Annual Best Refined British Television Programme

Every year in Britain, we come together in celebration of our superior television. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you we produce higher quality programming than those lazy Americans.

But which programme rose the ranks to indubitably become this year’s culminating peak on the telly?

Fishing with Alfred

In the BBC’s take on the hit show “Deadliest Catch,” fishmonger Alfred shows viewers the dangers of fishing for red crabs and shore crabs off the coast of Cardiff. Rain or shine, Alfred will brave the toughest of storms to return home with a catch that’s sure to make Mrs. Pumperton happy.

“Ooh,

would

PHOTO By jen windsor

“Aww, another bottle of peppermint schnapps? I shouldn’t have!” said Spanette while opening her fourth bottle of peppermint schnapps, tears in her eyes.

By Jonathan Funes Staff Writer

A

fter spending the most thankful of holidays with family, Janette Spanette told reporters in a press conference that she’d rather spend Christmas alone.

“Have you ever seen 'The Nutty Professor'?” she asked.

“Thanksgiving dinner with my family was like a real-life reenactment of that dinner scene in the movie. Not that they’re wild and raunchy, but that they all kind of look like Eddie Murphy, you know?

It really isn’t worth going through all that again.”

“My uncle is probably the weirdest of them all,” Spanette continued. “He sat next to me at the table and just kept telling me the exact same joke every five minutes and would wiggle his eyebrows every time he told the punchline.”

After reporters begged Spanette to tell the joke for

the sake of good journalism, she finally gave in.

“Ugh, okay, I don’t know why this is so important,” she complained, “but he would use his hand as a phone and say ring ring until I answered on my hand-phone. When I picked up, he would say ‘Hi, is Hugh there?’ and I was just like ‘What the hell is happening?’ and he would blurt out ‘HUGH JASS’ and wiggle his eyebrows at me. It made me so uncomfortable.” Reporters agreed that it was indeed a funny joke.

According to Spanette, her parents are a “real piece of work” too. “How are you surprised?” she asked. “They named me Janette Spanette!

They did that on purpose just because it sounded funny!”

Spanette then went into great detail on how her parents bought matching gravy-colored sweaters for them to wear in their annual Thanksgiving cards that they’ve sent out every year since she was born.

“Don’t even get me started on my little brother,” she exclaimed as reporters began to leave. “He’s 12 years old and he is so disgusting! He makes nothing but weird, gross jokes. Like when my mom was stuffing the turkey, he whispered to me, ‘I’d like to stuff myself in that turkey... all of myself.’ I don’t even want to know what he means by that!

Like does he want to stuff his entire body inside the turkey and control it like a robot?”

After realizing what a slow news day it was, reporters begrudgingly asked Spanette what her new plans were for Christmas this year.

“I think I’m just gonna roll solo this year,” she said, “I have my bird, Parette, and I’ll probably just cook a microwaveable dinner for one …

It’ll be great. I can sing carols by myself and open presents from myself … to myself …”

Spanette trailed off and began to weep quietly to herself.

After being consoled by the reporters for 20 minutes, she told them, “You guys are my friends right? This is the longest conversation I’ve had with anybody. My grandma used to make me carry around a Ziploc bag filled with canned meat in my backpack for good luck, so everyone used to avoid me and call me 'Janette Spamette.'” Reporters tried leaving her arms, but her grip tightened around them.

“Please come to my Christmas dinner. I’m so alone and I can’t stand another second with my family. We can all be best friends!” Spanette then began loudly singing Christmas carols directly into the reporters’ ears.

In other news, five journalists from local San Diego news outlets have gone missing. If anybody has any information on their whereabouts, please call the San Diego Police Department at (858) PLEASE-HELP.

you look at that. caught me one.”

Finally

Sherlock

With a more subtle and sophisticated approach to narcotics addiction, brilliant brain Sherlock Holmes gets a U.K. makeover in this adaptation of the American classic, Elementary. With a high IQ and plenty of quick banter, the British Holmes solves crimes 20 percent faster than the American detective. In a unique twist, Watson is portrayed as a man.

“It’s Sherlock, my dear Watson."

NCIS: Stratford-upon-Avon

Local Sci-Fi Author “Overly Optimistic” about Technological Advances in Next 20 Years

By Jen Windsor

MQ Cool Aunt an Diego science fiction author Mike Roberts announced on Monday the release of his next book, “Moon Colony: 2025.” The “science fiction masterpiece,” as it has been lauded by the San Diego Times, takes place in the United States in the year 2025. It follows a biologist who uses nanotechnology to cure all types of cancer as he races against time to learn astrophysics in order to start a moon colony. The novel has been both criticized and praised; some have called it “overly optimistic” and “unrealistic,” regardless of the fact that the novel has been nominated for several literary awards, including the Fictional Science Fiction Award for Excellence in Science Fiction.

Aside from his work on “Moon Colony: 2025," Roberts is the author of the award-winning novel “Space," in which all humans will be living on other planets in the solar system by the year 2030, and “iSelf," in which the protagonist revolutionizes wearable technology by plugging it into the human brain in the year 2027.

Roberts told reviewers that his research on the new novel was extensive, consisting of daily interviews with his roommate Dave, who worked for a summer at the Salk Institute when he was in college.

“Dave knows some biology, so that was all covered,” Roberts said. “I fudged some of the physics to get an entire third of the world’s popula-

S

Lieutenant Gibbs is back and this time it’s pinkies up. No naval crime is too intense for this ragged bunch of Scotland Yard’s wettest division. When the Royal Navy’s First Admiral is found dead in his study clutching nothing but a single crumpet, turn to Britain’s sharpest minds to resolve this horridly wretched predicament.

I say!

“Hey, who threw all this tea in the harbor?"

Oh Good Heavens, Where Are We? PHOTO BY CONNOR GORRY

"This is a rough draft. To actually go to Mars we need a shit ton more markers,” said Roberts. tion to the moon within the span of a year, but I figure humans could work hard under the kind of pressure that would be caused by the impending nuclear detonation I describe in my book.

Overall I would say the book is 100 percent accurate and has a 99 percent chance of actually happening.”

In order to research the section of “Moon Colony: 2025” in which all of Earth converges on English as a global language, Roberts said he “strongly considered” speaking with a linguistics professor.

Advance-copy readers from non-scientific backgrounds raved about the book, saying that they “don’t usually like science fiction, but this had just the right blend of plenty of fiction and barely any science.”

One reader mentioned, “The AI-enhanced clones are what made it really believable for me. I always knew the government had some shady dealings with IBM’s Watson.”

Readers who had taken even one advanced science class, however, often criticized “Moon Colony: 2025” for being “absurdly nonsensical, like science fiction without the science but also without any appeal of fiction. Short of an alien invasion, which is the only ridiculous thing Mike Roberts doesn’t manage to fit in, humanity has no motivation urgent enough to build a moon colony of that size in less than fifty years — let alone ten.”

Leslie Brentwood, who is a Professor of Literature at San Diego State University and a frequent author of science fic-

tion herself, did not agree with the overwhelmingly positive advance reviews for the novel.

“I think Mike horribly abused nanotechnology — does he even know what it means?” Brentwood asked. “It was like some sort of magic pixie dust that he sprinkled over every plot hole. And don’t get me started on how actual pixie dust came into play.”

Eric Whiteman, literary reviewer for the La Jolla News Bulletin, wrote that the new novel had everything that fans of Roberts love— “while the nuclear crisis is global, Antony makes sure to focus on the people that really matter: Americans and Europeans. Fans will be excited to learn that the entire continent of Africa never plays into the book at all.”

When a British Airways flight headed for London crashes into the Isle of Man, passengers must come together to determine the nature of the island, how many pounds sterling they have amongst themselves, and where they can find a good cup of tea.

“Now chaps, let us not lose our heads.

Let’s start our peaceful cooperation by forming an orderly queue to the center of the island.”

November 30, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 11

The Walking Dead Kills Character, Asian Americans Lose Half of Representation

Undeclared Student Appeases Father, Finally Declares Miscommunications Major

PHOTO By connor gorry

At least it’s better than last week, when Johnny showed up in a bikini to try to win “Miss Communication 2016.”

By Nicholas Martin

Staff Writer wo weeks ago, formerly undeclared sophomore Jared Johnston “finally gave into both [his] father’s and UCSD’s wishes” and declared a major, choosing to pursue a B.A. in Miscommunications.

Johnston, who has reportedly faced great criticism from his father over the last two years, stated that “I didn’t want to get kicked out of school and have to work at my dad’s company, so I finally chose a major after I found out a miscommunications major is a real thing.” He went on to list “all the benefits” of declaring a major in Miscommunications, “especially only needing to take total of three, or maybe it was 16, upper division classes to graduate. The department wasn’t really clear on that, I think we had a misunderstanding.”

Even Johnston’s roommate Stephen Erving was “happy,” commenting that Johnston finally found something he was good at.

“Miscommunication comes naturally to Jared,” said Erving.

“From a seemingly offensive comment about someone’s ‘nerdy International Space Station shirt’ that was truly intended to be a compliment, to accidentally agreeing to listen to someone’s mixtape, Jared’s talent shines everywhere.”

“All my life I’ve always felt the effects of miscommunications,” Johnston said, agreeing with his roommate. “I was just never able to put a name on it. I can thank my father and our rocky relationship for sowing the seeds, his failed efforts to teach me about good communication for cultivating the soil, and my own incompetence for harvesting the crop.”

“What crop?” he continued “Oh, uh, the corn of ... miscommunication. MisCORNmunication? I knew I shouldn’t have tried to use this metaphor, I never get the point across.”

“Jared’s choice couldn’t have been made at a better time," Loretta Jenkins, the academic

T

“Yeah, that’s right, I’m Asian. I’m Cauc-asian,” said Scarlett Johansson.

By Summer Davis Publicity Editor

I

n the season seven premiere of zombie-apocalypse show, “The Walking Dead,” fan-favorite character Glenn Rhee was brutally killed. Rhee’s death was upsetting to the Asian-American community in particular, as he was one of the only major Asian-American characters in current popular media. Reports released after the show’s premiere confirmed earlier estimations that Rhee comprised 50 percent of all Asian representation on TV. Andrew Asuncion, the head of the media watchdog group FAAIR (Fairness and Asian-Americans In Representation), which monitors the two Asian-American characters currently on TV, was saddened but not shocked by Rhee’s death.

“Honestly, none of my friends were surprised that

Rhee died,” Asuncion said. “It’s not like the writers had that many characters who are people of color to choose from.”

Local “The Walking Dead” fan and expert on dystopian futuristic media, Luke McGraw, expressed disappointment that Rhee’s death was not appreciated by Asian-American fans.

“It moves the story forward by developing the characters,” McGraw asserted. “And REAL fans would know that it happened in Volume 17, Issue 100 of the comics anyways.”

Asuncion noted McGraw’s criticism, saying that he was “glad” that even in death, Rhee was able to keep the surviving white characters interesting.

He shuddered as he remembered Rhee’s death in the comics, describing it as a dark moment for Asian-Americans.

“We lost 33 percent of our representation when that issue came out,” Asuncion reminisced. “It still feels like it happened just yesterday. I’ll always remember where I was

PHOTO By connor gorry

when he was killed...” Asuncion then looked contemplatively at a framed copy of the issue in question that he kept on his desk.

For their part, the writers of “The Walking Dead” believe that Rhee’s death was depicted in a way that honored the character and the fans who loved him, confirming that they held back when deciding on how long the camera should focus on his corpse.

When questioned about why Rhee was apparently the only Asian-American survivor of the apocalypse, the writers stated that “zombies just really like to bite Asian people.”

Steven Yeun, the actor who portrayed Rhee, stated after the premiere that he was grateful for the opportunity to play such a beloved character, “especially considering how extremely difficult it is to cast an Asian actor in a role with more than five lines.”

He added, “I felt respected by the show’s production team

as well, since they gave me an almost six-month vacation between the season six finale and season seven premiere where I could really hone my acting skills by telling casting directors I didn’t need a new job because my character was definitely still alive! It’s not like I needed that extra time working anyways. There are so many jobs for Asian-American actors right now, like as Uber drivers.”

Asuncion and the AsianAmerican community are now focusing their support on the final representative of Asian-Americans on TV: Long Duk Dong from the movie “Sixteen Candles.”

“They play that movie every year during John Hughes marathons,” Asuncion pointed out. “He’s all that we have left, unless they do another skit about AsianAmerican accountants on the Oscars again. That increased representation by 150 percent last year.”

Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine

Earth Upset at Trump’s Claim That Climate Change is a Chinese Hoax

agents of b.r.i.e.f.

New Study Finds Three Cats is Too Many Cats A recent study from the Cat Relations department at the University of California, San Diego found that three cats is too many cats.

The study was conducted by slowly placing an increasing number of cats in a room, while a test subject tried to read a good book. The researchers noted that while the three cats did not directly disturb the subjects, the subjects all agreed that three cats in one room was “just too many cats.”

“What? Three cats is not too many cats. My boys Tiger, Fluffy, and Felix get along just fine,” commented a local crazed cat lady.

Cats as a whole were unable to comment, but one independent representative reportedly purred and rubbed the leg of a reporter before scratching him. The reporter has since been confirmed to be okay, albeit a little shaken.

The researchers believe their findings will not lead to any significant impact. They cite the uneducated masses in America and their ignorance towards scientific discovery.

“I just wish one person would look at my cat pictures,” sighed one disillusioned researcher.

Area Man Dumps spare brain in Vat

A man awoke last Friday morning to gaze upon his mysteriously acquired spare brain.

Deciding that he no longer needed an external manifestation of knowledge, he drove it to an abandoned warehouse and quickly dumped the brain into a vat, and returned to his car while glancing at his watch.

Distracted by the possibility of hitting bad traffic, the man didn’t contemplate the repercussions of his action, or how his manipulations could alter other streams of consciousness. He instead continued down a congested suburban road. The man cursed after having to dodge several police cars, packed with latex gloves, yellow tape, and cameras. The police were heading towards the abandoned warehousein response to to a tip about a brain found in a vat.

The man arrived at his office desk as the lid of the vat was lifted by an officer, and its new contents were exposed to the outside world. He wasn’t aware of the slow, methodical processing of a crime scene he had created as he scrolled through unanswered emails and paper work.

He later headed back down the suburban road. He paid no attention to the returning police cars, or the abandoned warehouse, which returned to its original state of darkness, engulfing a now-brainless vat.

Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don't believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C. “The first thing I did with the time machine was what everyone would do,” said Davers, fighting Ottomans off with a taser. “I went back to 1936, visited the German Olympics, and tried to kill Hitler.

“I get it, maybe I shouldn’t have tried to stop my own birth by changing my young grandfather’s views from anti-Irish to pro-gay rights,” screamed Davers from a Cessna plane flying over the crucifiction of Jesus. "But this isn't terrible."

As a result of Davers’ actions, time has been irrevocably scrambled. Timelines have converged in on each other, swarming the world with flying cars, dinosaurs, and the 201087 Cro-Tallon Shmepole.

“I accidentally stabbed Jesse Owens,” continued Davers, “so I went back in time to prevent it, but I accidently stabbed myself, and that’s when a third me dressed as Captain Ahab appeared and things got weird.”

Local man Jeff Davers finally tested his time machine last Tuesday. But according to scientists Galileo Galilei and Elon Musk IV, he used it so recklessly that he broke time.

Mother Earth recently revealed her thoughts on President-Elect Donald Trump’s claims that climate change is a Chinese conspiracy to make American manufacturing noncompetitive. His denialism upset Earth deeply.

“They are making me sick.

And here they are, claiming that they did nothing wrong, and that it's the work of ‘China,’” she said.

Her spouse, Lady Nature was outraged. She stated that she had become more protective of Earth when people began digging and burning coal.

“Humans are taking advantage of my wife,” said Nature.

“They clear her trees and mine for iron no matter the damage.

At first it was fine; I know they need to live. But once they gave her a fever by burning coal and drove her favorite animal, the dodo, to extinction, I decided that it was too much.”

Earth stated that she longed for the dinosaurs.

“The dinosaurs never damaged me this much. They didn’t pierce, burn, or launch nuclear bombs at me and then blame ‘China,’” she said. “I'm now contemplating another mass extinction just for the sake of my wellbeing.” Earth was later not available for comment.

advisor for the miscommunications major, commented.

"One hundred percent of Miscommunications Departments across the nation are not impacted, which is crazy to believe, just statistically speaking.

Unless I misread that report, I guess.” According to Jenkins, despite the difficulty of conveying what the field of miscommunications is and what it can be used for, the job market for miscommunications is strong.

“With miscommunications expected to organically grow 273 percent within the next seven years, you would be foolish not to declare miscommunications.”

According to experts, many people who major in miscommunications find jobs in a variety of fields, especially public image or media, where communications majors were originally concentrated. From campaign managers to hairstylists, the applications of miscommunications are “endless.”

“Typically,” commented hairstylist Jordan Banks, “I ask the customer what they want. I usually get responses along the lines, ‘cut half an inch, nothing more’. I then cut their hair exactly the way they wanted, leaving only half an inch of hair.”

Johnston plans on interning at his father’s company this summer as a social media trainee and personal assistant to the CEO, his father.

“Since an internship isn’t a real job,” Johnston noted, “I can be involved with my dad without having to work for him like I said I never would!”

Johnston’s parents are reportedly excited that their son, emboldened by his future economic prospects as a miscommunications major, will be moving out of their house to go live with his boss instead.

“I will no longer be living with my parents,” Johnston said. “Instead I will be living with my boss, the CEO. Being an assistant to the CEO means I might be needed at any time of the day.” Experts predict that miscommunications will “happily abound” in Johnston’s personal, academic, and career life with these changes.

And they say romance is dead.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 12

Miss Kathmarky’s Fourth Grade Production of

theMQ.org November 30, 2016 Lights, camera, action! But minus the camera, because it’s live theatre! This time, we are taking a closer look at this year’s hottest new production, straight out of Broadway Elementary School in Camarillo, CA. It’s “Fight Club: The Musical,” starring Broadway’s most talented fourth-graders, and directed by Miss Kathmarky, acclaimed two-time winner of “Best ‘Best Teacher’ Mug.” Here’s the lowdown on everything you need to know to keep up with the “Fight Club” craze.

Meet the Stars

the Musical” Pics from the Set!

Interview with Miss Kathmarky

We were able to get some exclusive, never-before-seen pictures of the play from the rehearsals! Experience the beauty that is unfinished, mistake-filled art; you will it enjoy more than the actual production itself!

A play this monumental can only be achieved by genius of the highest kind; luckily, Miss Kathmarky once met Lin-Manuel Miranda. As the driving force behind this play, we wanted to get an inside view into Miss Kathmarky’s brain.

Since we missed her open brain surgery last week, this interview was the next best thing.

Timmy Lezari Stars as Tyler Durden

originally played by Brad Pitt “Yeah, this role was a real challenge. The hardest part was definitely letting my beard grow out. On top of that, the set reeked of unprofessionalism. I walked off set — it’s true.

I asked for apple slices at my trailer, and Miss Kathmarky didn’t drag her lazy ass out of her goddamn smokers section to get them for me for over 30 minutes. Awful.”

Q: Why did you decide to become a teacher and why did you choose drama?

A: I’ve wanted to be a teacher ever since I

was in elementary school and saw the joy in my fourth grade teacher’s eyes, but I ultimately decided I wanted to teach drama when I realized that high school was the peak of my life.

Now, I know the pay isn’t a lot, but in the end the real reward is watching Timmy L. execute a good death scene. Watching him die is what puts joy in my heart.

Q: Why did you decide to do “Fight Club” this year?

A: Well, last year we decided to put on “Fid-

dler on the Roof” for the 15th year in a row, and I told them that if we did it for the 16th year in a row I’d quit. And I’ve always enjoyed “Fight Club” and its strong moral message about the virtues of soap and hygiene, so it seemed ideal for fourth graders. I think I’ve really inspired these kids too. There have been six fights in the parking lot this week and Sammy A. tried to blow up his house, but they’ve also been noticeably cleaner.

Oh boy, is this stage bright! Bright because of all the budding stars about to bloom on stage!

As they say in Hollywood, child stars are at their brightest when they’re children. Get a first look at these rising thespians so that you can say you always knew they had potential when they hit it big, or that you always knew they were doomed to failure if they fade away.

Kristina T. is the first meetinpigctured here dumping blood on who was not suppof the fight club. Also picturedthe scene of really wanted to osed to be in this productio is Miles S., “fly straight on n at all, but responsible wer e later suspende‘til morning.” Both students d.

Q: What are some difficulties that

Jimmy “Chapstick” Henderson, Fifth Grader Stars as The Narrator

originally played by Edward Norton “They’re lucky they even got me for this role, you know. I normally don’t do plays for anything less than three chocolate chip cookies during lunch, but ‘Fight Club’ was my favorite movie growing up, so I decided I’d do it for just one cookie. Plus, we’re going to have a KILLER afterparty. We’re going to have strippers, drugs, and Steve from ‘Blue’s Clues.’”

Rachel Marcus

you faced in the making of this production?

Stars as Marla Singer

A: Well, for starters, I had some trouble

getting the kids to understand the themes of existential dread the first time around. But then we had a round of standardized tests this semester, and when I saw all of their defeated expressions at rehearsal that day, I knew they were ready to be molded into the world-weary nihilists I always knew they could be. It also had the nice side effect of killing off their little actors’ union. I was real close to caving to their demands for higher wages and a new Monopoly board, but they realized just in time that none of it mattered anyway.

originally played by Helena Bonham-Carter

Q: Has any student in particular Actually15CatsInATrenchcoat: stood out to you over the course of Seeking: Not 15 cats in a trenchcoat seeking partner who is this play?

numbers, e play’s musicCalan.” Timmy th of e on is re Pictured he Hit Me As Hard As You . Lan“I Want You to H. exchanged blows while Mrse. Both ec y pi m L. and Jim the accompanying piano zed to caster played felt like they were not desensiti didn’t ey th ey e kids said th the scene, mostly becaus violence after esensitized” meant. know what “d

Kristina Torus

also 15 yes. cats There in a trenchcoat A:notAh, are a fewk moments that

stand out to me, but not necessarily because of what good actors they are. Sammy A., for example. Sammy A. can’t act for shit, but unfortunately his father is on the State Board of Education, so my hands are tied. Honestly, the real star of our show is Gabriel, the kid in charge of makeup. Without him, we would have had dozens of complaints from parents about kids going home with black eyes. But now they’re none the wiser, and if black eyes show up in the morning, they can say they fell down some stairs.

Q: Finally, any plans after this play

for the future?

A: To be honest, not much past the afterparty.

The juice boxes are going to be 40 percent vodka, so it’s gonna be hecking sick.

Behindetshe Scen ts!

Fun Fac

Stage Manager

In this scene, on ny K. physically destroying the R rebels by bu ild and metaphorical ings of the establishmen ly demands by The rebels against repeated t Kathmarky) to st Man (played by Miss op pushing Dan the stage.This sc ny S. off script shortly afte ene was written out of the r Danny S. broke a leg.

A lot goes into a theatre performance, and there is a lot that you cannot see going on behind the red curtain with all the lead actors taking up the spotlight! Here is some cool trivia about this production that you might not have known:

Every day, Krist T.’s mom brought china ocolate chip cookies for the and oatmeal co iesactors for the crew – that bitchok …

“Miss Kathmarky said I was perfect for the role of Marla because my parent’s divorce made me ‘sadder than a dog with one leg trying to walk.’ The play was fine, but I didn’t like the scene that was described in the script as ‘hot, wild hand-holding.’ I held Timmy L.’s hand but I heard he had cooties. And crabs. And I heard crabs are really dirty from living in shells, which is totally icky.”

play, the ult of thfoe rmed their owne s re a s A have onverg studentsb, where they ricng around lu g c r t in h x g o fi h other fo man b into a hus who circle eancwalk away. two kid utes and the five min

e fourth rocked th Scandacllass when twofooling grade ts were found r room studen in the projecto around Yu-Gi-Oh!™ playing

David Fincher ote the movie the play wr was based on!

On closing night, ss Kathmarky received a Mi autiful bouquet of red rosbe es school district. Attac from the bouquet was a pink hed to the slip.

e school y cost th40,000 dollars.

The plaim ly set ate approx f that was due atond o , t s Mos , fruit snack pieces e. cocain

Only three child died during the produren ction of this musical!

Just like in PE, Jim my H. was picked as the last resort for his rolabsolute e.

Preliminary Reviews of the Play

I liked it. It was a good way to waste time waiting for my roommate to finish having sex in our room. I have to say though, as a fan of the book and film, my one complaint was I did not like the replacement of the line, “I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school” with, “Boy, this is great juice.” Really disrespectful to the source material.

This production was amazing! I enjoyed every single part I saw, which was all of it; I swear I’m not bullshitting this review for my theatre class. I wondered if it would be hard to sit through hours of kids performing Chuck Palahniuk’s idealized version of masculinity, but thanks to the 21st Amendment I was more than capable of watching the play, which I definitely did instead of just imagining it. Four Roger Eberts out of four.

Kaitlin Baxter

Jackie Green

Originally I wasn’t sure how good these kids really were, but after I saw Timmy L. give Jimmy H. actual chemical burns, I was impressed by their dedication; it gave the play a surprising layer of authenticity. Jimmy H.’s tears were also very convincing. This play was much better than last year’s production of “Fiddler on the Roof,” which had significantly fewer chemical burns.

So that was… a thing. First off, it was the most atrocious rendition of “Fiddler on the Roof” I’ve ever seen — completely missed the historical and cultural context of the original vision. Second of all, where did all these props and costumes come from? I cut the Theatre and Arts Department from this school a year ago. I’m furious. I did love the song “Bob’s Bitch Tits” though. That’s my new ringtone.

Leonard Johnson

Josephina Blattson

UCSB Freshman

We’re sorry, tha s a lie.

He didn’t write it,t wa directed it. We just wantedhe you to like us.

“I tried out for the role of Marla but Miss Kathmarky said I wasn’t sad-looking enough for it. She said I need to look like a dump truck ran over my face at age 10, which I think is unfair, since I’m only nine.

Otherwise I like being stage manager especially because I have a small crush on Jimmy H., so I always got to up his mic. Wowee, can that boy pack a mean fake punch.”

Local Father

UC Berkeley Freshman, Theatre Minor

Principal