The MQ Volume 24 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“Anything you can do in excess for the wrong reasons is exciting to me.”

- Nicolas Maduro, President of Venezuela

Quality you can’t taste

September 27, 2017

Volume XXIV Issue I

Trump Administration Discovered To Be an Improv Camp for the Wealthy

In This issue Area men in five day “stall stand-off”

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New tesla turns around if you don’t cut that shit out

4

The great college rat race

6,7

warren college holds warren buffett buffet Local snitch doesn’t get stitches, bleeds out

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News in Brief Student unaware Not Everything Has To include a Pop Culture Reference

PHOTO By jessica ma

At the White House Press Briefing, Sarah Huckabee Sanders did her best to dodge both the questions and the tomatoes.

By Sahil Nayyar

Staff Writer

I

n the past few weeks, many Americans have been awestruck by how seemingly messily and uncoordinatedly the Trump Administration has been conducting business.

However, there seems to be a reason for the lack of structure that the White House possesses.

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In a recent study conducted by social scientists at University of California, San Diego, it has been discovered that President Trump’s administration is nothing more than an improv camp for the wealthy.

The administration, under the guise of being a functioning government outfit, is actually just a platform for wealthy white Americans to refine their

improvisation skills led by the POTUS himself, but includes other major actors such as Sebastian Gorka and Kellyanne Conway. Nonetheless, the camp is considered to be one of most competitive improv camps in North America, with tremendous artists like Sean Spicer having been removed for poor performances.

The actors have often been

seen performing improv at press conferences and other public appearances. However, the White House briefing room remains to be the main stage for these actors to interact with their primary audience, highbrow media journalists.

See Trump, page 2

Local Man Incorrectly Insists He Finally Knows What LGBT

By Rhys Shriver Stands For Copy Editor

esterday, after several weeks of self-proclaimed careful thought and intensive research, local man Ross Christopher has reportedly “finally figured out what LGBT stands for.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever get it, but I finally put it together.

It stands for Lesbian and Gay Bitter Time,” insisted Christopher, followed by the very audible groans of his nearby friends. “It took me a while to realize that LGBT was about gay people. Didn’t figure that one out until, like, attempt number five, and that was a huge surprise.”

This discovery is the eighth endeavor in an ongoing series of Christopher’s attempts to identify what LGBT stands for. “It began last month near the end one of Christopher’s Dungeons & Dragons sessions, when I said I was happy to have finally gotten to play a game for LGBT people,” said one of Christopher’s friends, Dorian Taylor. “He pulled me aside after we finished, and asked me what LGBT stood for.

When I told him, he said, ‘That can’t be right,’ before packing up and rushing off.”

Christopher claimed that after that conversation, he had gone home to read the D&D manual before coming to his

PHOTO By Daniel kupor

“As you have probably gathered from this presentation,” said Ross Christopher, “I’m no longer allowed in Subway restaurants.” initial conclusion of LGBT standing for “Lutes and Glaives are Bardic Tools.” Several of his other notable attempts include “Legs Glutes Butts and Thighs,” “Limes Grapes Blueberries and Tangerines,” and “Lineart Gets Bpretty Tough.”

“How he got the lineart one is beyond me,” said Virgil Woolf, another of Christopher’s friends, halfway through a dramatic eye roll. “My favorite was ‘Lettuce Gay Bacon and Tomatoes,’ which is, hilariously and tragically, the closest he’d gotten so far. I don’t know why it’s taking him so long, our entire friend group is basically LGBT, you’d think he’d have put two

and two together by now.”

Despite the amount of information immediately accessible to him via his friend group, Christopher allegedly gets the majority of his data from Reddit forums, various Blogspot posts, and a highly reputable series of essays written by a middle school student in 1993.

“You know, this one time he showed me his pinboard for the whole thing,” Taylor stated. “It was like a scene from a crime movie, where there’s like dozens of strings connecting various articles and pictures, and lots of words like ‘Lancaster’ and

‘Bees.’ I swear, there was even a picture of Carly Rae Jepsen circled a bunch, with the phrase ‘CRJ is Queen?’ written in the corner.”

Earlier this week, Christopher had reportedly tweeted, “It’s just really hard. What could the last two letters even be? Like I asked what the B stood for, and was told ‘Bye,’ like that was it! WTF” At press time, Christopher was said to be pacing in front of his pinboard while listening to Hayley Kiyoko’s “Girls Like Girls” and tapping his chin with a pencil, muttering, “B stands for Babadook, T stands for … trains?”

You Can Lead a Wolf to a Horse to Water

Area Man Told He Couldn’t Get More Two Faced

But they’ll just get stuck in the deep end

Successfully proves them wrong

Local first year student Scott Merrifield, in an attempt to prove himself to be just as culturally relevant as other college students, has decided to speak using only “Arrested Development” references.

“Yeah, I’ve watched the show through before, and honestly it’s not my favorite. But when my roommate Danny told me to ‘suck a dick, you dumb shit,’ I knew I had a chance to be the ‘Arrested Development’ guy.

And so far, I think I’m solid as a rock,” said Merrifield, smirking slightly.

Though Merrifield’s tactic has been less than successful, he insisted that he would still gain the respect of his fellow students.

“Look, I know it may look like my suitemates are ignoring me, and you may say that I’ve made a terrible mistake, but I think I’m going to be all right. Hey look at that … I just killed two ‘doves’ with one stone.

Hah, gotcha!”

“Honestly, if you don’t get why this is funny, you probably just don’t understand the genius subtlety behind these jokes,” added Merrifield. “And anyways, if this whole ‘reference guy’ thing doesn’t work out, there’s always money in the banana stand. Get it?”

When told that reference humor was the lowest form of humor, Merrifield only responded with “Marry me.”

Trump Paints White House Green for Some Fucking Reason Trump announced on Wednesday through Twitter that he was going to paint the White House green. The President did not provide any reason except the statement “I just like the color green.”

The change of color for the White House left both Trump supporters and opposers confused.

“Can we still call it the White House?” asked one reporter during a press briefing.

“Uhhh probably no?

Yeah, from now on it will be called the Green House,”

said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

When later asked if this was the official stance of the Green House, Green House Chief of Staff John F. Kelly sighed extremely audibly and let out an exasperated, “I guess.”

Some experts theorized that Trump was attempting to return the Green House to its original color of pink, but was confused when he learned that this was in fact a myth, and that in the myth the Green House was supposed to be pink--a bubblegum pink.

Quarter System to Be Replaced by More Rigorous Quarter Quarter System The University of California has decided to move away from the quarter system at its universities.

According to statements released by the UC, the quarter system was considered too slow-paced for students. The University said it would keep the price per unit per quarter the same.

However, the annual cost of attendance has still doubled due to the increased number of academic terms.

The new system to be utilized has been dubbed the “Quarter Quarter” system with eight quarters per year. Seven of those quarters will be part of the academic school year, and

one summer quarter. To keep with tradition, the summer quarter is further divided into two sessions.

The idea for this new system is being hailed as a stroke of genius by Chancellor Khosla and was approved unanimously by chancellors in the UC System. As an act of acknowledgment, Khosla has been given a raise in his salary for his commitment to the University. According to Khosla, the students at the university finally feel like they are being sufficiently challenged through their course material, and are grateful for the transition.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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September 27, 2017

Area Man Mutters He’s Sick of Your Passive Aggression, Still Within Earshot and He Knows It

“‘Soy milk, because apparently you’re too good for half and half,’ your drink is ready,” yelled the barista.

By Hannah Lykins

Managing Editor an Diego authorities issued a public safety warning on Monday after local businessman Kevin Ansler was seen sitting in a coffee shop with his coworker and friend James Cammon while muttering with perceived annoyance about Cammon, who Ansler described as someone who “pulls this type of shit all the time.”

“Honestly, I’m just kind of over it at this point. I’ve always been a perfectly pleasant coworker, very up-front about my expectations in both a work and social environment, and do my best to be friendly. But the constant passive aggression that I receive from certain people? I’m really sick of it,” mumbled Ansler, still seated at the same table as Cammon,

S

with whom today’s incident in question took place.

Ansler and Cammon met up for coffee at approximately 7:45 a.m. before their morning commute to work.

Ansler bought drinks for both of them, but had forgotten that Cammon, who had not made any request for soy milk, was lactose intolerant.

Cammon was said to have taken the coffee anyway, stating that his stomach “would probably be okay, I mean it’s not like I’m lactose intolerant or anything … ” “You know, this definitely isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Some people can never confront anyone, whether it’s a little issue or a big deal. Like this one time, I forgot to hold the door for him, and I swear to God I heard him say, ‘Well, it’s a good thing I’ve got

working arms right about now.’ Some people just don’t know how to be up front and talk about their problems,” continued Ansler, as he scoffed and rolled his eyes in Cammon’s direction.

“If someone around here had just reminded me that they would’ve preferred soy milk in their coffee, we wouldn’t even be in this situation, now would we?

How am I supposed to know who’s lactose intolerant nowadays? We work together; it’s not like I was the best man at his wedding,” Ansler continued to mutter in front of Cammon.

“Well yeah, he wasn’t the best man, but he was part of the wedding party, so I’m not really sure what point he’s trying to make. He’s been my friend long enough to know about my lactose problem,”

continued from page 1:

Trump

The political preference of those who attend such shows can range from the tolerant liberals to the more tolerant conservatives. While the liberals criticise every act, scrutinise every performance, and chuck rotten fruit at the heads of the actors to express their distaste, the conservatives cannot hold back their praise. In fact, the monotony of the audiences’ reactions makes their responses seem extremely staged, and are much more enjoyable than the improv acts they observe.

A typical performance consists of three elements: a tweet from Trump, the actor’s initial statement, and witty improv.

Trump’s tweet starts by setting up the stage for the actor to come out with a pre-prepared statement with which he will embarrass himself, and only proceeds to get worse as the performance continues and the actors improvise.

It has been noticed that actors will sometimes set a trap, not only for themselves, but for their colleagues too.

The POTUS, the camp’s leader and remarkable improv artist, leads by example in the creation of the aforementioned

traps. Thus, he has been regarded by esteemed (and predominantly caucasian) acting academies as a great leader.

Following these traps are delivered dialogues that actors are often not ready to be condemned for. Any sort of condemnation seems to take a toll on their egos.

Consequently, these actors perform differently during the acts but manage to hold both their ground and their egos.

This camp might not seem like it functions very well, but it is still in place and its popularity is skyrocketing. The improv camp often refuses to take the plentiful criticism it faces, claiming it is “running healthily.” In fact, it often lobs criticisms at both the audience and the critics themselves.

Certain critics have been wrongly accused of attributing the actors’ authority to them flaunting their wealth and race, as America is clearly a diverse and inclusive country with no concept of white privilege.

Despite the improv critics’ general distaste for the Trump administration’s supposed “privilege,” general audiences seem to enjoy how these actors seamlessly incorporate their whiteness into the performances.

PHOTO By Jessica ma

Cammon said loudly, still seated across from Ansler.

“I mean, we had soy cheese at my wedding – that wasn’t because I enjoyed the taste.”

When asked about the incident, barista Timothy Hellor answered, “What’s the problem this time? I swear those two are in here together every week, always just sitting across from each other, not actually having any sort of conversation, and angrily sipping coffee.

Soon after, Ansler ended the interview, citing his need to “go and actually do some work, unlike other people – but I don’t want to name names,” but was later seen on his phone, still seated at the same table as Cammon, tweeting, “So tired of fake people. If you have a problem with me, say it to my face #overit #whoevendrinkssoy.”

Guess which one’s the mannequin

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt

Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver

Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins

Social/Publicity Chair.........Matthew McMahon

Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal

Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee

Content Editor....................................Chris Jin

Foreign Correspondent...............Alex Vollhardt

Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride

MQ Stepdad..................................Matt Olson

Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde

MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky

Assistant Design Editor................Jay Noonan

MQ Mom...............................Katherine Wood

Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma

Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Distribution Captain...................Chris Doherty

Staff Members

Leaving no stones unturned, no face untouched.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2017 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I am completely floored by the amazing editors that have been surrounding me these past four days. Our content team, although short-handed, was able to bust out some quality, critical writing and handled the massive workload with relative ease. Our design team dealt with a plethora of technical difficulties while working on a largely new computer set-up and still made exceptional spreads. Our graphics editor redefined the way that I view Putin and US propaganda with one graphic, and then proceeded to make a majority of the other graphics in the newspaper. Our distro and publicity departments kept a positive energy going well throughout the night, lifting everyone’s spirits, and prepared countless fliers and events to include new members. Our copy editor coordinated long distance before even reaching San Diego to keep us on schedule. And lastly, several new members who stumbled upon our org decided to stick around and contribute writing, jokes, and laughs that kept us all going. I am left feeling incredibly lucky and excited to be working alongside such a passionate, fun-loving, and thoughtful group of people and can’t wait to see what else is in store for this year.

Mishelle Arakelian Andrew Buss Isaac Canada Samantha Cane Daniel Chit Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz Cole Greenbaun Katie Hallsten Andres HernandezCosme

Amin Fozi Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Samprith Kalakata Leander Kanowski Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Chris Lee Jun Lor Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia

Daniel Melnick Natalie Moy Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Noel Nguyen Yash Pande Kavita Poduri Tanner Prater Jerry Ramirez Rohan Rangray

Eliezzer RodriguezBreton Vida Sadeghi Larra Santiago Angelica Sun Doni Tadesse David Vereau Gorbitz Sarah Wernher Michael Ye Ricky Zhao

Booster Club Thanks to everyone for fueling our weekend of debauchery. Thanks to Chris D. for an average number of donuts, Jessica for a big bag of kettle corn, Eliezzer for the Takis, and Sage for a small box of Cheez-Its. Thanks to Lawrence for the Cactus Cooler, lime chips, and apples. Thanks to Jay and Sophia for the dining dollars, and a special thanks to Chris J for a medium size bag of Lay’s Wavy fried green tomato chips.

theMQ.org

September 27, 2017

Page 3

Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom

Upcoming MQ Events Game Night : Tuesday 9/26 MQ “Business” Office 7 p.m. – 10 p.m.

Be the first of your friends to snag a copy of the latest and hottest issue of The MQ. This sick newspaper is guaranteed to make you the cool kid among your friends.

Movie Night: Wednesday 9/27 MQ “Business” Office 7 p.m. – 10 p.m.

Get to know the members of The MQ as you challenge them to a board game battle. Winner becomes Editor-in-Chief.

First Distro: Wednesday 9/27 Library Walk 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.

Ignore the fact that classes start tomorrow by learning to be a secret agent and laughing with us while we watch “Kingsman: The Secret Service.”

PHOTO By Jessica ma

“Time to make my move. He’ll have to leave after this,” said both men to themselves, each readying a barrage of flatulence.

By Cole greenbaun

Staff Writer fter five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals are calling “The San Diego Stall Standoff.” After simultaneously entering the local ChickFil-A men’s bathroom and going into adjacent stalls, both men silently vowed to themselves to “not let my dirty flap-hole rockets touch down” until the other man had left the restroom.

“Look, I just can’t deal with another person hearing my twiddly-donks complete a perfect cannonball into the Sewer-Flakes Cereal bowl right now,” said Matthews.

“I have a lot on my plate right now. I mean literally, seeing as two Deluxe Sand-

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wiches and a Grilled Market Salad are waiting for me on the outside. I just want to be able to let my newborn Cincinnati Zoo otters play in peace for once in my goddamn life.”

Chrishews has said that he understands Matthews’ reasoning, but swears this doesn’t mean he will “churn Papa’s fresh baked bean butter” first. “I’ve dealt with this everyday for the past week at work, okay?”

Chrishews said, glancing under the stall to see if Matthews’ feet were still there.

“They took away the dividers in between the urinals, and Geoff has, I swear to God, taken the urinal right next to mine every time I go to pee. There’s six urinals! Six! He doesn’t have to choose the one next to mine! It’s absolute insanity! Then all I can manage is a dribble of

drool out of the mouth of my limbless, narcoleptic, Medal of Honor earning Vietnam veteran, til Geoff has successfully shaked, rattled, and rolled, and left the bathroom. I swear to god, this time I will tuck my mud boys snug into their waterbed and give them a glass of fresh squirted lemonade alone, no matter what.”

While Chrishews’ family has remained supportive of his cause, and have been making daily trips to supply him with food, water, and newspapers, Matthews’ wife, Christine Matthews-Christopherhews has expressed that she has had enough.

“Honestly, this is ridiculous,” said MatthewsChristopherhews. “I’ve seen my husband drop a roll of chocolate covered pennies off the side of the Empire Stool Building so hard he’s

incapacitated one of our kids, and yet he can’t skip a polished turdstone into Lake Porcelain Waters in front of a stranger. It’s days like these I regret not running off with that dashing young man I saw greenlighting a sequel to ‘There Will Be Blood’ in the Wal-Mart parking lot all those years ago. Now that was a man.”

Reportedly, the stall standoff came to a conclusion on the sixth day, when local child Christopher M. Atthew entered the bathroom unknowingly and “did a reverse all-you can-eat hometown buffet” into the bathroom’s only urinal. According to sources, both Chrishews and Matthews then silently zipped up their pants, flushed their empty toilets, and left the bathroom without making eye contact nor washing their hands.

Trump Solves Opioid Problem, Won’t Share the Oxycodone

By Sage Cristal

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Content Editor

ust two weeks after the president declared the opioid crisis, a “serious problem the likes of which we have never had,” Trump commissioned the U.S. Attorney’s Office, along with federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies to “aggressively pursue and shut down all opioid trafficking, collect all confiscated drugs, and be careful not to damage the goods.”

The campaign has thus far been successful, having dramatically reducing reports of opioid abuse for most of the country. However, in the days following Trump’s apparent triumph against the opioid problem, a White House staffer has spoken out in opposition to what many believed would be the president’s greatest success in office. Only three days after President Trump ordered the acquisition of all illegal painkillers, a White House intern told reporters that the president was “being greedy with the stash” and “refused to share the Oxy.” James Miller, the intern in question, revealed to reporters Trump’s real motives for addressing the opioid problem in what he believed to be “the whistleblowing of the century.” Miller told reporters that President Trump had abused his executive power when he consumed a large amount of the confiscated drugs, before refusing to “share a line with his homeboys.”

These revelations confirm suspicions that were first aroused after one of Trump’s press meetings earlier in the campaign, in which he went

Congratulations on making it to your first weekend as a college student! Stave off adulthood by joining us on a trip to Baked Bear to get ice cream sandwiches.

Baked Bear Adventure: Friday 9/29 MQ “Business” Office 7 p.m. – 10 p.m.

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You’ve almost made it to the endless daily grind of student life. Why not skip out on all that cold ice-breaking and enjoy a day with us at the sunny beach?

Come sit in a room full of sweat, laughs, tears, and jokes while we come up with content for our next issue.

Afterward, join us for a pizza party celebrating the grand art of “making fun of stuff with a newspaper.”

First Meeting: Tuesday 10/3 Half Dome Lounge, Muir 6 p.m.

TOP Ten Top Ten Things Your Professor Will Say on the First Day of Class

PHOTO By Daniel clinton

“Oh, are you looking for drugs? Uhh, drugs isn’t home right now,” said Trump, nervously. on a tangent about how he “missed the good old days with good American-made LSD” and lamented how “nowadays the quality’s really gone downhill, but that’s what happens when you start importing from Mexico.”

Following these reports, Robert Mueller, the Special Counsel employed by the Justice Department to investigate Trump’s ties with Russia, has also promised to take a closer look at the Trump Administration’s war on opioids and discover where the confiscated drugs were taken to. With the addition of this new case, the Special Counsel now has two intensive investigations on its plate.”

“At this rate, there will be more open investigations than investigators that I can hire,” bemoaned Mueller. “I might as well be done with

the whole thing and just blame it all on the Russians.”

Despite public concerns, Republican leaders have rallied in support of Trump.

Senator Mitch McConnell dismissed the charges about Trump’s opioid use and instead described the campaign as a “victory for American ideals.”

“President Trump took what he wanted. If that isn’t the definition of capitalism, I don’t know what is,” proclaimed McConnell. “At the very least, unlike with those welfare queens, now you know exactly who’s using your taxpayer dollars to obtain hard drugs.”

Religious conservatives have also been quick to defend Trump. “Doctors will tell you that drug addiction is a medical condition, but it’s plainly obvious that it is God’s retribution upon those who

stray from his holy light,” proclaimed televangelist Jimmy Stevens. “What Trump has done is that he has taken on all the sins of the drug addicts in the form of their narcotics, and as such, he has demonstrated God’s mercy. In a way, he is like a modern-day Jesus, for he will shoot up for us and for all so that sins may be forgiven.”

Officially, the White House is downplaying the rumors. In an official press release, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied that Trump was involved with any oxycodone use and that the rumors were “dubious,” as Trump has “repeatedly made clear his loyalty to traditional hallucinogens.”

Sanders also stressed that “even if [Trump] did have any oxy, he wouldn’t share it with a narc like Miller.”

10. “Welcome to the first day of class” 9. “I’m giving you my personal email, but I never really check it” 8. “I wrote the textbook” 7. Nothing audible, they couldn’t get the microphone to work 6. “I’ve never really believed in homework, so the midterm will be 50 percent of your grade” 5. “My office hours are [during one of your classes]” 4. “And I’m sure you all have your iClickers ... ” 3. “Since I probably won’t see half of you again until the midterm, please remember to bring your student ID and a pencil, scantrons will be provided” 2. “Please don’t hesitate to stop me if you have a question” 1. “Please hold all questions until the end of the lecture”

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theMQ.org

September 27, 2017

Grammarians Argue Over Reclaiming “Grammar Nazis”

New Tesla Model Will Turn Itself Around If You Don’t Cut that Shit Out

by Jaz Twersky

T

MQ Cool Aunt

he Punctuation and Elocution Defenders Against Nefarious Terminology (PEDANT) has suffered an internal schism in recent months, as members argued over the question: should they attempt to “reclaim” the term “Grammar Nazi?”

Jason White, the new chair of PEDANT, has supported members describing themselves as “Grammar Nazis.” “‘Grammar Nazi’ has been used against us as a term of abuse as too long, and has become a slur,” White said.

“We're reclaiming the term.

We are Grammar Nazis and we’re proud of it!”

Dick Spencer, who advocated for White’s leadership, likes the term as well.

“We do like grammar, and we are... ” he said, before cutting himself off. When pressed to clarify what being a “Grammar Nazi” meant to him, Spencer grew enraged.

“Just because I call myself a Grammar Nazi doesn’t mean you can,” he shouted.

“Just because I now carry a flag everywhere that has a swastika made of semicolons and all my T-shirts say ‘Pure English is the Best English’ doesn’t mean you get to say I’m a Nazi!”

The argument illustrates a deeper divide within PEDANT. Two years ago, PEDANT expanded its membership to include linguists. Previous acceptable categories included English teachers, “grumpy old white men,” and those who could provide at least three examples of harassing people online about the distinction between “your” and “you’re” or “there,” “their,” and “they’re”.

No known linguists support reclaiming the term Grammar Nazi. They also advocate for loosening PEDANT admission criteria, officially acknowledging the

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

One test driver was chewed out by the Tesla for asking to use the bathroom, despite having only left the dealership minutes prior.

by Matt Olson

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PHOTO By katherine wood

After being told that graffiti is illegal, and that two wrongs don’t make a right, the grammarian said, “actually double negatives are ungrammatical.” science of semantic shift, and recognizing and celebrating all dialects of English. The population of linguists is significantly more diverse than the rest of PEDANT, which linguistics grad student Isabelle Alvarez attributes to “the fact that we’re not racist and sexist dicks.”

“Linguistics is an actual science, not a matter of complaining about people who don’t sound like you,” Alvarez said. “Linguistics is descriptive, not prescriptive. These dudes wouldn’t know what to do with themselves if they couldn’t tell people they were doing it wrong.”

White opposes the inclusion of linguists. “People who speak like that want to dilute the purity of the grand old English language, with its proud lineage stretching back to Anglo-Saxons,” White said. Some of White’s

staunch supporters started a website recently, a splinter group from PEDANT, where linguists are not welcome.

The faction’s website “Grammar Nazi Pride" gives its official mission as, “to promote a pure and unsullied English, free of foreign words and inferior constructions such as split infinitives.”

“We are aware White hates us,” said Jamelle Tubman, an Assistant Professor of linguistics, whose research focuses on historical linguistics, “but the focus on Anglo-Saxons is particularly odd, since half of English comes from the French, including words like ‘purity’ and ‘superiority,’ which they seem particularly fond of.”

The PEDANT splinter faction maintains a list of grammatical constructions they consider unacceptable, the majority of which stem from African American Vernacular

English, such as copula deletion, which is found in sentences like “He racist.” While AAVE has been recognized as a grammatically consistent dialect for decades, the text of the website suggests it hasn’t been updated since the 1950s.

The Grammar Nazi Pride website goes further, with another list of unacceptable words. Most are loanwords, words borrowed from another language which have since been incorporated into English, which the website refers to as “illegals.” It includes terms such as “schmuck,” “halal,” “boba,” and “quesadillas.”

“And, to top it all off, they ordered tacos at the PEDANT meeting last week,” chimed in Alvarez, shaking her head in seeming exasperation. “If they hate loanwords so much, they should stick to eating shitty British food. Goddamn Grammar Nazis.”

New American Diplomacy Policy Released as “Act First, Don’t Ask Questions Later, Hope No One Else Does Either”

by Hannah Rosenblatt

T

Editor-in-Chief

he White House has recently released a new statement outlining future approaches to foreign policy and international affairs which, according to Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the Trump Administration has already been acting in coherence with and simply “didn’t feel like going through the trouble of writing all of it down.”

The statement, in the form of a one-page document consisting of two short paragraphs and a large picture of Trump giving a thumbs-up, comes after considerable pressure from other nations and trading partners to establish a consistent form of diplomacy.

The Trump administration’s policy is being hailed as “revolutionary,” “unlike anything I’ve ever heard of before,” and “definitely doing something, but I’m not sure what” by Fox News Host Sean Hannity, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, and Secretary-General of the U.N. Antonio Guterres, respectively.

The U.S.’s general approach to foreign relations and negotiations is outlined in the first paragraph of the document. Unlike other normal theories of diplomacy, which focus on pre-emptively considering possible outcomes of actions, the new plan aims to spend no more than two minutes considering a possible course of action, with an additional recommendation to not exceed

PHOTO By jessica ma

After repeatedly pinning the missile on the U.S. itself, Trump updated his map to only include the Eastern Hemisphere.

30 seconds of deliberation.

“Thinking too much just leads to bad policy,” explained co-author of the plan and Secretary of Defense James Mattis. “Look at every major policy decision in history. None of them seemed to have any flaws until people started to actually think about them. Take the Vietnam War for example. Everything would have been peachy if the intellectuals hadn’t started flapping their gums. It seems that the more you reflect on something, the more problems just pop up with it, so why even bother?”

The second paragraph of the statement is believed to contain details about new budget allocation and more concrete changes to the foreign affairs team. However, it is laced with other popculture stories and quotes, making it difficult to deci-

pher. Reconstruction of the statements seem to indicate that “funds will be spent on … new chairs and office supplies … along with … more … snack fridges … for staffers.”

When asked to more concisely summarize changes, Foreign Affairs official John Klein explained, saying, “Well it’s really simple. We’re doing a lot to make sure that everything we do works out well, there’s really no need for people to worry or think about it, really. We’re doing so many things that’ll be good -- did I mention we’re building one of those Parthenon things? Yeah, like a real giant stadium, it’s gonna have entertainment and activities 24/7. You’ll be able to stay occupied for days.

Isn’t that great?”

After being asked what this means in terms of the U.S.’s increasingly tense relations with nations like China

and North Korea, Klein responded, “Speaking of tense relations, a White House intern did this super weird thing in the Oval Office last week. Anybody wanna guess what it was?”

“The American public will be kept up to date on everything they need to know about,” Sanders said in response to facing heat about the brevity of the document.

“We’re handling everything with great thought and oversight. I promise that we are viewing the safety and liberty of the American people as a top priority and take great care in what we do on all counts, which is why we are cutting all ties and trade deals with China, Mexico, Venezuela, and all of the Middle East starting Friday. By the way, did everyone hear about how Sean Spicer subtweeted Taylor Swift the other day?”

MQ Stepdad

ate last month, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and tech elites, Elon Musk proudly announced the newest model in Tesla’s line of selfdriving cars, the Model F. This new model, starting at 90,000 dollars, is reported to be the most technologically advanced car the world has ever seen.

According to Musk, the Model F comes standard with fully reclinable seats, dashboard mounted 4K television screens, and a self-driving module that will turn itself around if you don’t cut that shit out.

“We believe this new model will be perfect for anyone looking to sit back and relax during their commute,” explained Musk. “Whether it’s a cross country road trip or simply a morning drive to work, drivers can lay back, relax, and relive that feeling of sitting in the backseat and playing with toys while their father whiteknuckles the steering wheel and smokes an entire carton of cigarettes.

“The Model F has the strongest and most advanced AIs ever created and it controls everything in the car. The AI, which internally we’ve been calling FATHER, is responsible for nearly everything inside and outside the car. For example, FATHER is obviously responsible for the actual driving of the car, but it will also control things like the radio station and

whether or not you’re allowed to roll down your windows.”

Musk later clarified that the radio station will oscillate randomly between play-byplays of football games from 1979, political talk shows, and an audiobook of ‘The Pillars of the Earth’ by Ken Follett; and of course you can’t roll down your windows, they were just washed.

Tech bloggers have expressed concern over the Model F’s design, stating that they’re not sure that the car’s design really matches the aesthetic of the rest of Tesla’s fleet, as well as concerns that FATHER marked a departure from Tesla’s previous, non-invasive AIs. These concerns were addressed over the weekend by Musk on twitter, who tweeted, “wood paneling is awesome,” and reassured customers that while FATHER “might not be the friendliest interface, it still does it’s job and keeps everyone safe.” As a follow-up, Musk later tweeted: “Sure, FATHER honks at minorities and anyone drifting slightly into your lane. But again, these are purely safety measures.”

Tesla plans on rolling out nearly 2,000 Model Fs before 2018, after which Musk says the company is working on a new model car that can accurately simulate the sound of users being tucked in bed at 8 p.m. and then listening through thin walls to your mom accuse your dad of having an affair with his secretary.

TOP Ten

Top Ten Reasons Why Bees Are Better Coworkers Than People 10. The bees accept your invite to go out for drinks 9. Bees don’t have a union 8. They don’t always jam the copy machine, like that damn Tom 7. If you’re feeling chilly you can get them to swarm and dry hump you until you’re warm 6. They were literally made to work 5. Bees won’t judge you for wearing the same thing three days in a row because they wear the same thing every day 4. There are more parking spots for you 3. Bees aren’t as easily offended when you call their coffee shitty 2. Bees communicate through dance, unlike Diane 1. They’ll be extinct soon

How’s our satire? Call 512-879-8839

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

September 27, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 5

Big Ben’s Chime To Be Replaced with the Screech of a Tea Kettle

First Day of Class Horoscopes

The first day of class can always be a bit nerve wracking: new professors, new classmates, and new ways to avoid sitting in the front of the classroom are in your future. To see what else is in your future for the first day of classes, read your horoscope below!

Aries

(Mar 21 – Apr 19):

Your first day of class is going to be just as successful as “The Emoji Movie” was.

(Apr 20 – May 20):

Taurus

Your professor will take one look at you, sitting in the front row, and will instantly know you’re a Taurus.

(May 21 – Jun 20):

Gemini

When the inevitable proletarian revolution happens, you’ll almost live until the end.

Cancer

By the end of the day, you’re going to end up crying in your professor’s arms about how much you miss your parents.

Leo

You’re not going to be able to find the room your class is in, and will just end up dropping it.

(Jun 21 – Jul 22):

PHOTO By jessica ma

This London resident was sure that her tea kettle made a solid E-flat yesterday, but this was sounding a lot closer to an A.

By Paola Diaz workings to deteriorate. But meow inside the Great has to be done to the delicate

T

Staff Writer

here are few things that are quintessential to the London landscape – double-decker busses, cloudy skies, Ian McKellen, and of course, the Big Ben clock tower. Next week, however, Londoners and tourists alike will have to adapt to a change in their horse-drawn carriages and high-wheel bicycle rides past the Palace of Westminster. During a restoration process, the traditional bong of the Big Ben clock tower will be replaced by a high pitched screeching sound, akin to that of a tea kettle.

The change comes from the Great Clock’s need for expensive repairs.

“The way the clock is in its current state, much work

inner workings of the clock, or it may stop working entirely,” says the overseer of the project, Benebum Batchadic. “However, if we lean into the current disrepair of the clock tower, its parts will be under this controlled strain. At this point, all the parts running together combine to make this really grating and screeching noise, which sounds just like when your mum puts the kettle on.

This phenomenon can be heard from kilometres away, thanks to the magnitude of the clock tower.”

“I was initially opposed to the change,” says Steve Jaggs, keeper of the Great Clock.

“It didn’t seem like the proper way to honour the tower would be to allow the inner

after considering it for longer, it makes so much sense to have such a standard British noise ringing throughout the city.”

“It was either the tea kettle sound, or spend the next four years with a silent Big Ben as it undergoes repairs.

After Brexit, our GDP dwindled,” says Batchadic. “It left us stony-broke, without the money to even fix a bloody time piece. The decision to make the new chime a kettle screech came after much deliberation. We considered finding other shortcuts to repairing the clock entirely, other sounds that are indubitably British. If certain gears are sped up, it sounds like the whirring of a sonic screwdriver. If we get cats to

Bell, maybe we could get all of the local corgis to bark at the same time. Unfortunately, some of these plans were simply too bonkers to actually implement.”

The fix is not without its obstacles. “The screeching sound doesn’t pulse the same way as the chimes do,” Batchadic added. “Rather, the clock will screech for a number of seconds corresponding to the hour. If you hear an eight second screech, check your stove or check your watch.”

The change is set to take place by the end of the month. As the keeper, Jaggs has formally invited everyone to put on a kettle and “hear Big Ben's final bong and first screech in the new era of London timekeeping.”

L.A. Continues Tradition of Hosting Olympics During Worldwide Political Turmoil

(Jul 23 – Aug 22):

(Aug 23 – Sept 22):

Virgo

Sponsored by Tapioca Express: You will meet your next best friend for life while eating Tapioca Express Chicken and drinking Tapioca Express Snow Bubble Tea.

Libra

You are going to meet the love of your life, but you’ll divorce them in five years.

(Sept 23 – Oct 22):

By Chris Jin

O

Content Editor

n September 14, Los Angeles was officially named the host of the 2028 Olympic Games, with Paris being awarded the 2024 Olympics hostship at the same time. L.A.'s hosting of the 2028 Olympics continues a time-honored L.A. tradition of hosting the Olympics during times of international political discord.

"I think this is a satisfying outcome for everyone involved," said Casey Wasserman, chair of the L.A. 2028 campaign. "Paris gets to celebrate the centennial of their last hosting, and we get to host another Olympics that a good chunk of the world won't attend because of political or economic hardships."

L.A. previously hosted the 1932 and 1984 Olympics. The 1932 games were held during the height of the Great Depression, leaving many athletes unable to pay for the journey to L.A., and the 1984 games were boycotted by the Eastern Bloc in retaliation for the U.S’.s boycotting of the 1980 Moscow Olympics in protest of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.

Wasserman expressed optimism about the turnout in 2028. "1932 had a Great Depression, and 1984 had a Cold War. I suppose you're wondering how we can top either of those. Well, we don't need either of those things when we've already got a Trump, a Putin, a Kim Jong Un, an Erdogan, a global warming … well, you get

(Oct 23 – Nov 21):

Scorpio

You will receive a prophecy that will drive you to madness, causing you to wander around aimlessly, fight and kill a stranger, sleep with your mother, and realize you’ve killed your father.

(Nov 22 – Dec 21):

Sagittarius

You are going to meet your new weed dealer, but you won’t be able to remember their name.

Capricorn

You will trip over a rock in the next five seconds if you don’t look up and watch where you’re going, you klutz.

Aquarius

… Ohhhhhhhhhhh boyyyy. We hope you have life insurance.

(Dec 22 – Jan 19):

PHOTO By Lawrence lee

The runner grumbled as he was stuck in the right lane, and would therefore have to take the long way around, using the 405 to the 105 to the 110 back to the 10. the idea."

Some members of the L.A. Olympic Committee have reportedly discussed measures to ensure that the 2028 games are a worthy installment in L.A.'s Olympic history.

"Based on how things seem to be going right now, I think we can easily get the entire Russian sphere of influence to boycott again.

Though, that'd hardly be original. Russian boycotts are definitely so 20th century at this point," explained a member of the committee, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The real fireworks will come if we get Iran and a few more countries to get their anti-American postrevolutionary governments to boycott as well. That'll

be a real retro throwback to 1979, which by my calculations will totally be 'in' in 2028.

"And North Korea is practically a gimme either way.

Nukes are a great way to get that international tension ball rolling."

Many do not see the need for such elaborate measures. "If Trump keeps throwing around travel bans like Halloween candy and for some godawful reason they haven't been repealed by 2028, I'll guarantee you that that alone could beat 1932's non-attendance numbers," said L.A. resident Emilia Alvarez. "And if the traffic on the 5 is as bad in 2028 as it was today, I'll bet that every one of those stadiums will be

ghost towns."

The Olympic Committees of California's other major cities have sent their congratulations to L.A. San Diego mayor Kevin Faulconer delivered an especially notable statement in which he emphasized the strong bonds between L.A. and San Diego, and that he "definitely wasn't mad that another major sporting franchise was going to L.A." "LA and San Diego are practically joined at the hip.

Y'know, if you just ignore those weirdos in Orange County at least," said Faulconer. "That being said, maybe our good friends in L.A. can put a good word in for us for 2032, huh?

Sound good? Please, I'm begging you, all we have left are the fucking Padres."

(Jan 20 – Feb 18):

(Feb 19 – Mar 20):

Pisces

Someone’s going to steal your bike. Don’t ask us how we know that. Just remember to lock your shit.

Page 6

theMQ.org

September 27, 2017

The Great College Rat Race Welcome one and all, to an all-too-familiar board game that chronicles your typical journey through your education at a public university! The object of this game is fairly simple: successfully navigate your way from college orientation all the way to graduation day, where you’ll receive your diploma. That seems simple enough, right?

Instructions: Gather as many friends as you can, round up some game pieces

(Note: beer bottle caps work well), and find a single, six-sided die. Take turns rolling the die, moving your game pieces according to the number on the die, and following the instructions on the space that you land on. Whoever makes it to graduation day first wins!

Orientation

You woke up late and missed something important, but at least you feel well-rested. Skip one turn, but take the following turn with twice the amount of energy.

You got three on two out of the iClic quiz. Mo k ve forwa er rd two thirds of a space.

la

f

You beli could ac eved you tu while dr u ally study rest of th nk. Play the e game a are dr un s if you k.

You have a whole two weeks until your midterm. Wait 13 days, then come back and start playing this game again.

You never bothered to learn the bus routes so you jumped on the first bus that arrived and hoped it took you to UTC.Your bus ended up taking you to the Old Town Trolley Station. Go back to start and hope you get on the right bus next time.

You actu the textb ally bought o class, su ok for your cker. Go back two spac es can conv , unless you ince ano th player to buy your er textbooks se c which ca ondhand, in se only g one spac o back e.

You ing to t on stan lear n ever, y rythin if you your you ideal cos

Your pro to do an ic fessor decides eb ever yone reaker to lear n ’s back thre names. Move e spaces embar ra due to s other pla sment. If ever y yer has la this spac nded on e attention before you, their is focuse d on you and you embar ra ’re even more ssed. Mo additiona ve back an l space.

theMQ.org

September 27, 2017

Page 7

ls your A seagull stea fore be t iClicker righ to star t ck class. Run ba can catch u yo if e se and d. ar st ba the

By some miracle, yo u found a parking spot near ERC. Stay in thi s spot for the rest of the game. You wouldn’t want to risk someone else taking it when you leave .

college tr yu came into lue placed va e th topple uations of al ndardized ev n. Howithi ning from w alized evere ly ow sl u yo much nicer ng would be 7 GPA. Skip u just had a 3. rns while r next three tu w your ho e u contemplat ight have m e et iv listic na ling career. st you a fulfil

hate You silently ving to ha r fo lf se your ole in the be *that* assh ove back .M aundry room t of guilt ou four spaces e Sher yl’s since you stol cks, and so of favorite pair hat you’ve w t ou ab think rk. done, you je

You got the class average on a test. Stay in the same space until your next turn, and continue to move forward at an exceptionally mediocre pace.

Free pens!

You decide to fall asleep early and naively think that you’ll wake up early the next morning to finish that one thing you still need to do. You have until your next turn to finish your final dissertation.

Go back to start if you fail.

You chose to take 8 a.m. classes. Vehemently yawn every time you take your turn.

You landed in a class where the professor doesn’t give back grades until after the drop deadline. Move back four spaces, but only after taking your next turn.

Graduation You forgot to say “hypothetically” after taking a shot with your HAs. “Hypothetically” move back three spaces.

You blindly trusted people to be civil in the laundry room. Move back two spaces and spend your next turn looking for your favorite pair of socks that you’re pretty sure Brett stole out of the dryer.

You accidentally called your professor “mom.” Go back to star t and think about what went so wrong that made you mistake someone for a person you’ve literally known your whole life.

Page 8

theMQ.org

September 27, 2017

Sixth College To Be Renamed Following Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet

EDITORIAL

Study Finds You’re All a Bunch of Snot-Nosed Hobgoblins

By Sean Garland Disgruntled TA

T

PHOTO By jessica ma

After the buffet, Buffett kindly offered advice to Foodworx workers on how to convert the business into a nice pyramid scheme.

By Mishelle Arakelian and Chris Doherty

Staff Writer and Distribution Captain

E

arly last week, business magnate Warren Buffett was the focus of a fundraising buffet at Earl Warren College, dubbed “Warren’s Warren Buffett Buffet.” The Buffet served as a platform for the investor and philanthropist to announce that he would have Sixth College named after him. Buffett, the second wealthiest man in the United States, seemed eager to have Sixth named after him. He expressed particular enthusiasm to get back at Bill Gates, by “rubbing the fact that he dropped out of college in his little four-eyed face” In light of recent news concerning UC San Diego’s expansion, namely, the eventual addition of Seventh College and plans for Eighth, it had come to the attention of University officials that Sixth had yet to be named. Sixth Provost

Daniel Donoghue noticed Buffett’s interest in the university and agreed to offer him Sixth College’s titleship at the Buffet. “UCSD has never taxed its students as much as it has in recent years. And since Sixth college students are going to pay the highest taxes out of all the individual colleges, we figured Warren Buffet would be the perfect mascot to represent that idea,” said Donoghue, explaining the selection of Buffett over other potential candidate.

One anonymous University official added, “His name does have a significant amount of recognition, and he has enough money to donate to the University to make up for any future potential missing funds … I will be listed as anonymous, correct?”

Warren’s Resident Dean, Claire Palmer, was enthusiastic about the recent news.

“Plans for Seventh are already in development, and I think it’s a great idea for Warren,

the fourth college, to host an event embracing Sixth’s development and maturity,” Palmer said. “Luckily, the buffet won’t cost nearly as much as that sweet plaque-and-bench combo we just installed!”

Buffett, sometimes referred to by poli-sci majors as “the rich old white guy who voted for Obama,” graciously accepted the naming on his behalf, but had some qualms about accepting this responsibility. “I mean, you have Revelle, Muir, and Warren; what am I bringing to the table, you know, diversity-wise?”

Buffett also expressed concerns about confusion with the already existing Warren College, and insisted for Sixth to be named “The Better Warren College” or “#1 Warren College.” When asked why “Buffett College” was not an acceptable nor appropriate name, Buffett sighed and responded, “What is this, some kind of culinary school?

No, that’s just too confusing.

We cannot risk false advertisement to students who misread the name; all the kids are going to apply expecting large amounts of breakfast food.”

The wealthy yet frugal “Sage of Omaha” plans to affirm and uphold the values and community guidelines of Sixth, making sure its students continue to be “dynamic and engaged citizens of the 21st century – innovative, interconnected, and aware … and also not racist.”

Following the christening of The Better Warren College, the other five colleges reportedly submitted offers of their own to rename themselves after Buffett. It is rumored that Chancellor Khosla has even offered to rename the entire university in Buffett’s honor. “I will neither confirm nor deny these rumors. All I can say is that this university is founded upon our appreciation for people with depth of pockets – er, depth of character,” stated Khosla. “UC San Diego was a great institution, but UC Berkshire will be even greater.”

DSM-6 to Include the Diagnosis “Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit”

By Hannah Lykins

A

Managing Editor

fter considerable backlash following the release of the DSM-5, the DSM Task Force has decided that the DSM-6, slated for release in 2025, will add an array of new disorders, including the anticipated but controversial Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit.

“I’m really excited to hear that we’ll be adding what I feel is a disorder that so many people suffer with, but remain without treatment for as a result of a lack of diagnosis,” said David Kupfer, chair of the DSM-5 task force. “I think people will really be comforted with the knowledge that if their friends or family members are hard to get along with, it’s not the end of the world; in the next few years, being a piece of shit may be treatable.”

Though the DSM-5 was met with significant criticism for its diagnostic overexpansion and influence by the pharmaceutical industry, the DSM Task Force is confident that the DSM-6 will only add new disorders that they feel are necessary.

“I’m really not sure what the problem is,” said Andrew Skodol, one of the chairs of the Personality Disorders task force. “The DSM has and will always be wrongly accused of selling out to Big Pharma. But I can confidently say that Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit is just as

PHOTO By jessica ma

Major symptoms of Just A Real Piece of Shit include being an asshole, general rudeness, and acting a lot like that one guy. legitimate of a diagnosis as any other. I mean, no one thought Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder would make it in either, but that still got into the DSM-5.”

Skodol would later add that “scientists would never prioritize money over integrity,” as he stepped into his 2018 Lamborghini Huracan.

Others were less impressed with this decision, including the head of the DSM-III task force, Robert Spitzer.

“You’re kidding me, right?” said Spitzer. “You know, it was Skodol’s idea to add this disorder because he and his wife have been having marriage problems, just like it was Kupfer’s idea to add PMDD because he said his sister was becoming a ‘real bitch’ on her period.

I swear, in 20 years being a woman will be its own dis-

order.”

Most impacted by this decision are local therapists and clinical practitioners, who will have to decide whether common problematic behaviors their clients may be exhibiting would qualify for diagnosis.

“Personally, I don’t love the Task Force’s decision,” said Linda Johnest, LMFT. “Personality disorders are legitimate and diagnosable, but being an asshole shouldn’t be grounds for a mental disorder. Half the U.S. population would be at risk; we wouldn’t have anyone left to run the country.

And don’t even get me started on PMDD.” Individuals outside the professional community also look forward to the updates. “I don’t know much about mental health, but

I’m relieved to hear that Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit will become legitimized in the next few years,” said mother of four Roxanne Hasper. “I always knew my ex-husband was a piece of shit, but now I can say for certain that it’s something we can diagnose him with.

And if he ever tries to take the kids, it’ll definitely make custody battles a lot easier.

Now if only I could diagnose my kids with being little assholes, that’d be great.”

The hiring of new DSM Task Force members is already underway, in order to begin the proposed addition of over 30 new disorders.

Some disorders slated to receive diagnostic standing in the DSM-6 include Internet Gaming Disorder, Suicidal Behavior Disorder, and the highly anticipated Being A Little Bit Racist.

his grammatically correct and scientifically factual address goes out to all the illiterate punks in CHEM 40A. Before I reveal the findings of this week-long experiment, I must give credit to the rotten miscreants that run amok in my 9 a.m. section. Without you scuzzy blockheads, I would have never had a subject to base my final dissertation on. So thanks for that, you greasy donkeys.

In regards to my findings, my research into the psyche of early “adults” ultimately supports my hypothesis. My hypothesis postulates that all of the horrid panty-munchers in the section that I teach – when approached either individually or in a group setting – are just a bunch of snotnosed hobgoblins.

My interest in this study flourished when I found that most of the inbred imbeciles in CHEM 40A would steal the chrome fountain pen that I kept in the back pocket of my khakis, break the tip of the pen causing it to leak, and place it back into my pants pocket without my knowledge. Then, the disrespectful rascals had the audacity to pretend not to notice the starfruit-sized ink stain blooming on the back of my trousers.

Those dim-witted baboons completely soiled my good pair of work pants. Some glycerin was able to remove the physical stain, but the remnants of ink

that seeped through my pants and stained my ego can never be scrubbed away.

For the sorry termites that doubt the credibility of this scientific breakthrough, I will explain the exact procedures that made this experiment a success. Initially, I purchased a brand-spanking-new chrome fountain pen and lightly coated the pen with red ink before I placed it into the pocket of my khakis.

However, this phase of the experiment was not as fruitful as I had hoped; before the red ink could paint the hands of the assailants who kept stealing and breaking my fountain pens, the ink would rub off on the inside of the pocket they were sitting in, marking my khakis with the ink meant to mark my enemies.

When this didn’t work, I decided to attach a string to one end of my fountain pen and hook it onto the belt loop of my khakis. This way, when one of the pathetic loonies stole my fountain pen, I would feel a slight tug on my waist, indicating that one of the rancid lunkheads was attempting to defile my trousers.

This method proved to be a success. When one of the ugly dodos tried to steal my chrome fountain pen, they tugged so hard that they pulled my pants down, sliding off of my hips and around my ankles. All 30 of those barnyard animals bore witness to the crime that they committed against me and my khakis.

In conclusion, I hope my study will prove to be a helpful warning for all other poor souls who have the hapless chance to cross paths with the yellow-bellied weasels in my section.

Neither I nor my pants will be able to forget the many sins committed by those bottom-feeding imps; I will be especially unable to forget those crimes when I am grading their finals.

TOP Ten

Top Ten Reasons That Alarm is Going Off 10. Apparently Kinetic Sand is not microwavable 9. It’s the fashion police. You’re under arrest 8. You left someone in your car and you forgot you locked it from the outside 7. There’s no alarm, you just have tinnitus 6. Your submarine is leaking 5. Surprisingly, it doesn’t have to do with a massive fire 4. That dead bank teller didn’t empty the safe fast enough 3. You’re a fire alarm tester. This is your job, you idiot 2. A crowbar isn’t a very good car key 1. “I was hoping you knew”

Allergic to pollen since 1988

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

September 27, 2017

theMQ.org

North Korea Launches Child in Duckie Floatie, Decimates American West Coast

Page 9

Recent Housing Applicant Excited To Be Judged Only by Credit Score

PHOTO By jessica ma

After settling into her new apartment, Fuller found that listening to music loud enough on her headphones allowed her to ignore the rats chewing through her wires.

By Hannah Rosenblatt Editor-in-Chief

S

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

After the attack, the Trump administration put additional pressure on China to limit the production of pool floaties (and kids.)

By Lawrence Lee Web Editor

L

ast Wednesday, at 8:43 GMT, North Korea successfully launched a five-year-old child from a rubber duckie pool floatie, effectively destroying the majority of Washington, Oregon, and California.

One San Francisco resident was overheard yelling, “Oh, my god!” while running away from the toppling buildings. “How could this happen?” another reportedly exclaimed, clawing their way out of a crowded coffee shop. “That was a pretty sweet cannonball,” noted a third onlooker.

The North Korean government released an official statement on the launch in the form of a pre-launch interview with the boy, Kim Seung Min. “We want power. We want recog-

nition. And this is how we are going to get it,” said Kim in Korean, but with English subtitles.

A separate video of the actual launch was leaked to a Japanese news outlet immediately after the launch; it shows a boy, presumed to be Kim, awkwardly clambering into a rubber duck flotation toy, and leaping cannonball-style into a backyard swimming pool.

The child subsequently is launched, also “cannonballstyle,” over 200 meters into the air, at which point the video cuts off.

“It was horrifying to watch,” described Wayne Phillips, a professor of International Relations at the College of William & Mary. “Even though general academia agreed in 2007 that North Korea would develop this technology in 10 years, it’s still mind-boggling

The MQ’s Fall Book Club Rip Off My Panties BY: Nicholas Sparxxx All recent graduate Sarah Donahue wanted was a simple 9-to-5. But when eccentric designer Raul Baptiste takes her under his wing, Sarah realizes that the world of fashion is anything but simple. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t stop thinking about those late nights in the studio …

From beloved author Nicholas Sparxxx comes a story of love, loss, and betrayal so great, it’ll have you ripping off your panties too.

How I Found Myself: and Other Mediations on Being a Boring Asshole by: Johnny Smithy Everything seemed to be going well in Johnny’s generic life, but he was plagued by the vague sense that he wasn’t living up to his grander purpose. In this memoir, 20-something Johnny Smithy chronicles how he set out to find himself, and in the process ditches a loving family who deserved better, loses a meaningful and well-paying career because he was shitty to his colleagues, and falls into a hole, where he finally found himself.

that they’ve made it this far, and with such destructive results.

“You can clearly see the incredibly complex rigging system that sets up the spring-powered trampoline, and don’t even get me started on how it’s attached to the floatie – a duckie floatie, no less. It’s nuts, really bonkers stuff.”

The Trump administration swiftly responded in an emergency press conference hosted at Trump Tower.

“It’s very obvious, very obvious, we’re going to retaliate with everything we’ve got,” said Trump. “I’ve always said that a country doesn’t spend two decades and billions of dollars developing rubber duckies, yes that’s right, rubber duckies, if it doesn’t plan on using them, and look, it’s been used. It’s been used, plain and simple, nobody believed

me, but it’s been used.

“We’ll kill that child if we have to. What? I’m not suggesting murder, no, murder is cruel and unjust, I would never suggest murder. We kill the child, it’s very simple, you don’t get it. Kill the child, save the world, not very hard, not hard at all, I’m telling you, it’s not hard.”

The International Criminal Court has also made a statement, announcing its intentions to prosecute Kim for several war crimes declared under the Geneva Conventions, including “willfully causing great suffering” and “destruction and appropriation of property.”

North Korean news bulletins have confirmed that Kim has died due to a severe head injury that occurred during the launch.

The family plans to hold a funeral service on October 1.

Read any good books lately? If you’re itching for a good page-turner to fill the time between schoolwork and schoolwork-induced anxiety, here are some suggestions from your friendly neighborhood news publication to sate your literary apetite.

Hop on Pop ... But Not in That Way by: Dr. Seuss ... But not in that way This classic for people of all ages introduces children to the wonderful world of Seussian word play and subversively exposes and undermines the structure of filial authority in our rigid modern society.

an Diego resident Melissa Fuller turned in a housing application for a modest studio apartment last Thursday, and is feeling positive about the process.

Fuller reportedly spent only 23 minutes in total filling out the application, experienced almost no stress, and gave little afterthought to her chances of getting the apartment once she finished.

Additionally, she has yet to have a panicked dream about getting rejected, or having the application get lost or stolen by raccoons.

“It’s just nice to have such a straightforward and superficial metric for determining my potential as a tenant,” Fuller explained when asked about how she managed to remain so calm. “I mean, they only asked for minimal information, like my name, email address, employment, and a credit report, which is nothing. There’s no ‘describe your essence in 500 words or less,’ or ‘briefly state what you want to do with the rest of your life,’ or any of that shit to worry about. It makes things so much easier.”

After completing the application process with no computer malfunctions or last-minute forms added to complete, Fuller stated the experience was almost pleasant, in that it didn’t give her the overwhelming urge to run her computer through a juicer and flush the resulting liquid electronics down the toilet.

“I’d definitely do it again,” she continued, “since it wasn’t nearly as bad as that internship I applied for where I had to download an app to my phone and then sync it to my tablet before I could find out what I needed to send, or that time where I spent an entire interview wondering if the interviewer had noticed that

my pants legs went up to my lower calf instead of just above my ankle when I sat down, because apparently that’s a sign that I’m unprofessional.”

Rosa Wilson, Fuller’s previous roommate, stated that Fuller had a mediocre credit score that should be “good enough” for her to rent a decent apartment. “It’s just really smack dab in the middle, there’s nothing remarkable about it,” explained Wilson, “but I guess it just is what it is. Like, there won’t be any surprises.

Either it’s above or below the cut off. Or exactly the same I guess, but statistically speaking that’s highly unlikely, and I’m sure they have contingencies for that.”

Fuller concluded by saying that she was grateful to SD Realty for relieving her from so much pressure normally created by the application process. “It’s like a giant weight being lifted off of my shoulders and onto … something else … whatever they use to go through the applications … probably a spreadsheet of some sort,” Fuller stated. “I’m not very concerned about the outcome because I know it was just due to a simple series of numbers.”

“Wow,” Fuller continued, “those numbers would have to be really specific and effective at predicting good tenantship if leasers trust them so much. I bet they’re a lot more quantitative and rigorous than they seem. I wonder what metrics they use to calculate it.

Is there a quick way to improve yours?”

Fuller paused briefly to stare at her juicer sitting nearby. “Oh god, if this is the only metric they use, why didn’t I work harder at getting my score up a few extra points?”

At press time, Fuller was sprinting to her local library in an attempt to check out their last copy of “Improving Your Credit Score for Dummies.”

Of Mice and Menopause By: Jawn Steyenbuck This coming-of-age novel follows Linda Banthum who is entering her late 40s with relentless hot flashes and a yearning desire to travel. Follow Linda on her journey to self-discovery and to the Central Valley in search of love, good food, and a shampoo that won’t dry out her hair.

Still coasting off winning that one game of kickball in third grade

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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Local Professor Writes Final Drunk, Only Student Who Passed Was Also Drunk

Russian Social Media Site Turns Over U.S. Propaganda Ads to Russian Government

PHOTO By Jessica MA

PHOTO By jessica ma

When asked by the class if he would grant extra credit to the student who could shotgun a beer the fastest, the professor replied “Hell yeah!”

By Daniel Clinton

Managing Editor nly one student, Edward Mozkortuta, was able to obtain a passing score on a final written by UCSD Professor Mark Pijan. Students who took the final alongside Mozkortuta and asked that their names not be released alleged that the only reason he was able to pass the final was because he was heavily intoxicated. Pijan defended the results, releasing the statement “I’m glad one of my students knows how to have a good time.”

Students were outraged by questions like “What is the point of all this bullshit,” in which the only answers that were marked correct addressed the laws on recreational marijuana use in California. As the

O

final continued, questions became more abstract and more confusing due to the format of the assessment.

One question was just a hand turkey, and to receive full points, students had to include their own hand turkey with a face. Even though Mozkortuta was able to pass the final, he was heavily marked down by his lack of color and his artistic direction to give the turkey a baseball cap instead of a cockel hat.

An informal investigation was started by students to discover why the only student who was able to pass the final was under the influence of alcohol. Students quickly found multiple posts on Pijan’s Facebook page showing the professor writing the final in multiple states of intoxication and

undress. When confronted with this evidence, Pijan told the students that the final was “for a different class, which was much cooler.”

After confronting Pijan, some students drew their attention towards Mozkortuta. Questions were asked about why he showed up to the 8 a.m. final with a blood alcohol content of 0.17, which is above the legal limit to operate a motor vehicle, and just below the legal limit to teach at a public university.

One student alleged that Mozkortuta must have been working with Pijan, as “there was no way that he just happened to show up drunk to the final.” Though after finding that Mozkortuta was a fan of Metallica's new music, all suspicions were subsided.

After being shown this evidence, UCSD adminis-

trators said they could do nothing as Pijan was tenured and is “fun at parties.” The only noticeable change that UCSD administrators made was hanging a framed picture of Pijan mid-keg stand while writing a part of his final.

This is not the first time professor Pijan’s grading methods were called into question. In late 2013, Pijan docked one of his students a whole letter grade after not reciprocating his gesture of a “high-five.”

The university defended this move citing that giving students worse grades for seemingly arbitrary reasons makes the school appear more prestigious. An official at the university later told reporters, “Putting in effort to actually teach students requires time and ability we just don’t have.”

"TIME" Names "Tasty" Videos as Person of the Year, Called “The Voice of a Generation”

By Sage Cristal

Content Editor ast Wednesday, "TIME" Magazine named Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page as “Person of the Year,” two months before "TIME" typically announces their winner.

“Every year, we bestow the honor of Person of the Year upon a person, group, idea, or object that, for better or for worse, has done the most to influence the events of the year,” said Flaviano Binyamin, the Managing Editor of "TIME." “And needless to say, the ‘TIME’ Person of 2017 has not only left a lasting mark on the youth of the world, but also taught the world how to make the best pull-apart stuffed pasta!

And Holy Mackerel! Did you see the ‘Tasty’ video about grilling the most heavenly smoked salmon? And Gee Whiz, that video on processed cheese just about made me curdle! Er … I mean giggle.”

“Tasty,” a social media account created by Buzzfeed, is well known in the world of culinary mastery.

Although “Tasty” videos appear to be rudimentary in nature, the ease and finesse that they employ in their recipes is difficult to come by when using exclusively cookbooks. “Frankly I’m appalled that a social media presence beat out other well-deserving recipients of Person of the Year. But since it’s already been decided, I’ll admit they have a pretty good recipe for microwavable souffles,” commented Anthony Bourdain, a worldrenowned chef, author, and television personality.

Although “Tasty” made the cover of “TIME” Magazine’s latest issue, the competition was fierce, and the runner-up was not far behind in the vote count. The online poll on the “TIME” website revealed that profes-

L

PHOTO By Daniel clinton

When asked for comment upon receiving the award, “Tasty” editors responded, “Boil for five minutes, or until fully cooked.” sional tennis player Serena Williams, who won a match while pregnant, came only 600 votes behind “Tasty,” and the second runner up, accomplished actress Viola Davis, was only 200 votes behind Williams.

“The ‘TIME’ Person of the Year Award really strips the country of its veil, and shows us what direction the world is … God I can’t stop thinking

about that “Tasty” video, Five Different Ways to Make the Most Scrumptious Chicken Strips,” Binyamin continued.

“I almost clammed up when I found out ‘Tasty’ won. No one has a better recipe for revolutionized seafood than those guys.”

Despite the words of praise being echoed by “TIME” employees, many female participants who voted

in the contest believe that “Tasty” winning was a jab at women. Gigi Neas, a women’s rights activist, told reporters on Thursday, “Since 1927 when ‘TIME’ created the Person of the Year Award, there have only been four women who have held the title and the cover by themselves. It is absolutely appalling that a publication like ‘TIME’ would give the award to a series of recipe videos instead of female athletes, politicians, actresses, and innovators in these trying times.”

Binyamin responded to Neas’ comments on Friday.

“This has nothing to do with gender roles. It’s the ‘Tasty’ video about Spicy BBQ Pizza Rolls that really won them the vote,” Binyamin asserted. “At this point, Neas and other protesters are just crying over spilt milk.

And I would know, because I did the same thing while I was trying to duplicate their ‘Sweetest Cheesecake In Existence’ and I dropped my ingredients.”

Binyamin declined to comment on the potential of specific candidates for the 2018 Person of the Year, but instead offered, “I think that having ‘Tasty’ win has really moved this contest into the 21st century. Who knows who will win next year? I could see the Food Network taking the cake next year, or maybe the team at Blue Apron could establish a winning steak … or streak.”

Representatives of Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page had no comments on next year’s potential candidates, but have released a statement thanking TIME for the award, acknowledging the many accomplishments of the other nominees, and advising its audience to stay tuned for “The Moistest Celebratory Cake in History,” their most recent video.”

As they say in Russia, “Zakon surovyy, no eto zakon, i ya takzhe tverd kak kamen.” indirect involvement.

By Lawrence Lee Web Editor

G

iving in to pressure from the Kremlin, VKontakte, the most popular Russian social media site, announced that it would allow the government to access to its data on over 7,000 Americanbought propaganda ads.

“We intend to fully cooperate with the Russian government in this serious infringement of Russian democratic integrity,” said VKontakte in a press statement. “We’ve long strived to maintain a neutral political stance – we simply provide an open social platform for our users and advertising partners, but this is a risk we cannot afford. Not that they weren’t paying us good money to show those ads, of course.”

The ads on VK came in a variety of formats, including text, photo, and video, and used a broad spectrum of themes and motifs. Some showed products from critical proponents of critical American infrastructure, such as a Boeing ad that read, “Our new 737. A journey of epic proportions.

The pride of our nation.” Others were more direct, such as a video promoting the United States Marine Corps, claiming that “Marines move toward the sounds of tyranny, injustice, and despair.” Some did nothing but advocate strictly American policies, as was the case in a picture ad for the Affordable Care Act that read, “Got insurance?”

While neither Russia nor the United States have confirmed the immediate sources of the advertisements, political experts in both countries have all but accused the latter of, at the very least, some level of

“We’re in an incredibly dangerous position with this propaganda material,” said Russian president Vladimir Putin. “We can’t have encourage our youth to grow up wanting to build American-subsidized passenger planes, or join the elite military forces of a foreign nation, or buy into the flawed health care policy of an equally flawed leader.”

“I’m not really that offended by this shallow attempt at sort of infiltrating the media content exposed to younger Russians on the internet,” said Anton Shefler, a 20-year-old university student. “In fact, I’m even more offended that VK is so willing to give protected information to the government. I think they’re both just embarrassed and angry that they let this happen in the first place, so they’re taking any chance they get to fix it and just sweep it under the rug. And – shut up about Obamacare, ma! We get free healthcare already!”

In contrast, many Americans, while impressed and pleased with the results, expressed disappointment in the methods used to achieve them.

“I’m not a fan of this whole online manipulation business,” said Victor Bilgobler, a veteran Unix sysadmin. “When Americans invented the internet, they intended it to be inherently pure, unsoiled by political agenda or governmental meddling.

“Yes, I believe that we should have a significant, subtle, and subliminal influence on Russian internet users. But couldn’t we have found a way to do it that doesn’t betray the American people?”

This keeps our brainwaves safe from the internet

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

September 27, 2017

theMQ.org

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Local Snitch Did Not Get Stitches, Bled Out on the Floor Daniel Clinton Managing Editor

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arly Friday night, Max Hildako, 26, was found unconscious in his San Diego apartment. Hildako was pronounced dead at the scene at 8:03 p.m. by paramedics. An autopsy determined the cause of death to be a combination of blood loss and “being a fucking snitch.”

Hildako was a well know snitch, and had already received stitches once this month for telling on a fourth-grader who cheated on their state capital test. Luckily, the fourth-grader was able to provide an airtight alibi in the form of a shaky recording of them picking grass during of a youth soccer match.

After Hildako’s death, his parents explained how he came to be a snitch. “Max lived a difficult life, always feeling the need to tell on those around him. In preschool he had trouble making friends because he immediately relayed to the teacher anything the other students said to him. He single-handedly ruined 13 surprise birthday parties.”

The circumstances of Hildako’s death indicated foul play, but investigators have had trouble narrowing down a culprit. At least 150 people have filed a formal snitch request against Hildako in an attempt to get him stitches.

“It’s a real tragedy when the values we teach our kids don’t pan out in the real world,” said formal snitch and stitch expert Jenny Puntada. “Since I was young enough to snitch, my parents have always reminded me that snitches get stitches. But where were Max Hildako’s stitches? Why

PHOTO By daniel clinton

Hildako’s roommates were later seen telling the landlord that he had stained the floor with blood, and that it was totally his fault. do our core values seem to fall apart when it is convenient? Snitches have a right, not a privilege, for stitches.”

The first suspect the police interviewed was Rebecca Bil, who Hildako had crossed when he told a meter maid that Bil’s meter had run out of time.

“Of course I wanted to kill that son of a bitch. Who rats on someone like that?” commented Bil. “But he should have gotten stitches.

He didn’t deserve to slowly bleed out on the floor like the goddamn rat he is. The moral fiber in this country is slipping every year. Snitches get stitches. First is worse and second is the best, like it always has been.”

The old adage “Snitches get stitches” has come under fire in recent years for its pro-snitch viewpoint. California and New Jersey state senates have both passed bills protecting the rights of

those who have been snitched on, though pro-snitch activists were angered by the lack of a clause requiring mandatory stitches to be given to snitches.

By the time of this article’s publishing, no one has been arrested for the lack of stitches given to Max Hildako. Police said that if anyone has any information about the case that “you can keep it to yourself, you goddamn snitch.”

fresh brief, never frozen "HOT SLOTS" Found to be A Social Media Mystery Ezra Lambert, a selfidentified millennial, awoke to a vague and confusing text message on his iPhone last Wednesday morning.

The message contained various references to stripclubs, casinos, and David Lynch Reddit boards. It ended with an ominous phrase: "HOT SLOTS." To the confusion of many, seventeen of Lambert's art school friends also received messages with similarly concerning texts.

Lambert's friend Chris Miller commented: "What does it all mean though? I'm not understanding any of this."

Naturally, like modern day hipsters, Lambert and Miller took to the discussion boards. The texts received

by Lambert and friends contained various motifs and symbols involving the color red, white horses, and creamed corn. "WHAT DOES 'HOT SLOTS' MEAN" was instantly pinned and Redditors went haywire. User wHiteHorse340 offered a suggestion: "Okay so remember that one text that mentioned a white horse? That is COMPLETELY essential to understanding HOT SLOTS." The board compiled all text messages sent to Lambert, Miller, and others.

Some students even took to overlapping the messages in order to decode HOT SLOTS. Currently, there is no consensus as to what HOT SLOTS even means, but some theorists suggest layering all 18 text messages together in order will reveal the true meaning...

Area Final Boss Argues Protagonist is "Nothing but Dust in the Wind”

Area final boss Ersatzy, Crown of the Void’s Teeth, was heard proclaiming that local protagonist Avery Puck was “like [him], nothing but dust in the wind, nothing but a chemical accident whose time would soon run out.” Ersatzy then ascended into FORM 3 – STAR-EATER LEVIATHAN, and grew enormous wings and claws before alighting on the roof of a Best Buy. Ersatzy began clashing with Puck several weeks ago, when he revealed that UCSD student Max Hoch was a cover identity used to infiltrate Puck’s social circle to strike down their friends. After Ersatzy critically injured student Jack Chen, he discarded the shape of Max and used his supernatural powers to escape Puck’s pursuit. Puck, who was heard swearing to Chen that they would avenge him, was not seen until two days ago, shortly before their confrontation with Ersatzy.

“It’s been a long journey,” said Puck shortly before the confrontation, “but my friends are here for me.” Puck then apologized for having to leave so soon, saying they needed to make sure to talk to each of their friends individually before starting the boss battle.

The battle between Puck and Ersatzy is expected to nearly shatter reality itself; however, experts predict that once it concludes, observers’ memories of the incident fade away, as if by magic.

Chip-On-YourShoulder Recently Promoted to TimeTo-Freak-TheFuck-Out-Alarm An up-and-coming Chip On Your Shoulder has been slowly but surely building up its confidence to become more than a minor nag. After successfully spreading its influence to your dreams, this Chip has received a promotion to That-Thing-That-Keeps-YouAwake-All-Night-In-A-Bone Chilling Sweat.

The promotion comes with considerable benefits, such as the ability interrupt your train of thought during important meetings, interviews, and any time you’re doing mental math. It has been slowly creeping into the forefront of your mind with adding urgency and initiative, since you have put this important life matter off so long that it is physically impossible for you to complete it in a reasonable fashion, and what if you just utterly failed at everything you’ve worked for and all of your efforts and plans are destroyed permanently.

The newly established Anxiety-Inducing-FocusOf-All-Your-Thoughts-AndEfforts is expected to continue its expansion and gain more power until it has all but consumed you and your meager attempt to remain in control of your life trajectory as you realize that you managed to procrastinate the single most important task that you have to complete, and oh god how are you going to possibly do all of this.

UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act To commemorate Muir College's 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students and the anatomically impossible became the cornerstone of day one festivities. Unbeknownst to the Muir student body, their naive peers fell under the “influence” of the disturbed man who used threats rather than real hypnosis.

In discussing the inner workings of the leader’s hobby, one of the students said, “Yeah, he basically threatened me and then leaned in close and told me that I’m now Britney Spears. At that point, I figured I should just listen to him.” As the student who insisted to remain anonymous recounted the events of the night before, he grew more and more perturbed.

“He also somehow knew where I lived.”

After being told that the mic did not pick up these supposed threats, the student responded, “Okay, but is somebody going to do something about this phony hyposis?”

The whereabouts of the strange man has yet to be confirmed much to the student’s horror, and to make matters worse, Muir has decided to proceed with the week’s events with no sign of postponements.

TOP Ten

Top Ten Reasons You Should Buy That Chainsaw 10. Using a bat to break a pinata is just too old school 9. You’re interested in making your juggling act more exciting 8. It was on sale so you might as well have it anyways 7. Something about holding a chainsaw while talking to girls makes you more confident 6. The British are coming 5. This is your only chance to beat that samurai 4. How else are you going to serve Bloody Marys at Mary’s birthday party?

3. It’s really hard to get the last bit of ice cream out of the container 2. You gotta whack those weeds, if you know what I mean 1. Your old one broke

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How the Government Works 101 If you are reading this, then congratulations! You have been selected by the American people (or the Electoral College) to become the next President of the United States! You have a big job ahead, and millions of people are depending on you. In fact, millions of people’s lives are in your big, manly, capable hands. To help you adjust to this startling new reality, a guide has been created to help explain the basics of the job. Good luck, and don’t screw it up!

What Policies Should You Endorse?

How a Bill Becomes a Law

Where Should we start?

Economy Immigration

Climate Change

no

Hoax Yes

How do you feel about trickle-down economies?

Reagan is a genius

Legitimate environmental concern

south north

nah, they’re cool

wall

correct. Here’s your check from exxon mobil

Blame Obama

Roles of the Branches of Government

What direction are they coming from?

What’s a global warming?

Economy?

neither, they’re daca no, it’s a hoax. try again

Is that a euphemism for a pee fetish?

grow up

I’m racist, but like low-key racist

what to do with americans in all but place of birth?

I’m racist

“being born outside of the us should be a U.S. felony”

“I don’t care why they came over, the law is the law”

replace welfare with distributing bootstraps to everyone

The Six Pillars of Government

deport dreamers