The MQ Volume 27 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

September 30, 2020

“Let’s be real — if I seriously wanted to microchip everybody, don’t you think I would have done it already?”

- Bill Gates, Philanthropist and Co-Founder of Microsoft Volume XXVII Issue I

Behold! Our Satire-inator!

Coastal Ecosystem Devastated After Gender-Reveal Oil Spill

IN THIS ISSUE CHEF OPENS DESSERT CHAIN, ONLYFLANS

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CS STUDENT RELAXED AFTER STRESS INTEGER OVERFLOW

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MQTOBER CALENDAR

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FLORIDA MAN GOES INSIDE FOR FIRST TIME IN MONTHS AREA MAN SCREAMS “EAT THE RICH” FROM HIS MASERATI

BP has recently defended the Deepwater Horizon spill, calling it “ahead of its time.”

BY JACK YANG

Graphics Editor everal miles of coastal wetland in the San Diego area have been destroyed after an oil tanker decorated with gender reveal party paraphernalia suffered a rupture last week. 84 million gallons of toxic petroleum leaked from the tanker into the surrounding area, turning the world-famous San Diegan oceans black.

For Debra Daniels and her husband David, the party was “truly magical.” That is, until it came to the final event. “It’s a damn shame,” says Daniels, longtime San Diego resident and new mother. “All we wanted was to commemorate a big moment for our family. We didn’t realize the damage it would cause.” Daniels, who was inspired by videos of other gender reveal parties she found online, planned to have a family friend steer a rented oil tanker aground and release pink or blue colored oil into the surround-

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ing waters to “celebrate the happy occasion.”

“There’s something special about an oil spill, you know?” said Debra. “The fun nautical theme, watching the sun set behind the silhouette of the destroyed oil tanker, it’s so picturesque! It would’ve been something for the three of us to look back on and laugh ... anyways, turns out my brother James forgot to color the oil, meaning the crash was just a yucky black mess. We thought it might’ve been a water-activated dye when the waters turned pink a few minutes later, but that was just a bunch of dead algae floating up to the surface.

We were so embarrassed.”

Despite the ecological damage, Daniels eagerly looks forward to the following weeks, in which she’ll be preparing to try again. “You won’t believe what happened. A few days after news got out about the oil spill, we were contacted by Lockheed Martin, who wanted to partner

with us for a new, truly spectacular gender reveal party! Picture this — my hubby flying a F-22 Raptor over a replica village, unloading bombs filled with colored powder on acres of dry brush! It’s everything a mother could ask for and more.”

When prompted in an interview, Lockheed CEO Marillyn Hewson confirmed the “happy news,” saying that “We’re honored to be able to help the Daniels family with their celebration. The ‘nation reveal’ parties we’ve helped cater for the U.S. military in places like Somalia, Libya, or Syria have been hugely profitable for us, but too often come with the backlash of so-called ‘human rights agitators.’ We see the rise in gender reveal party popularity as an opportunity to ensure Americans can still celebrate these touching, personal moments in a chaotic world that, uh, we had absolutely no part in. After all, what’s more important than family?”

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Judy Lane, director of the San Diego chapter of the American Society for Marine Conservation, was less than pleased about the messages from the Daniels family and Hewson. Frantically rummaging through a supply closet at the ASMC headquarters, she expressed her concerns: “They’re insane. Everyone’s insane. No number of statistics or charts or articles could change the minds of anyone who could make a difference.

Many of our volunteers have simply given up and are now lying around the break room in varying levels of despair.”

“I’m just grateful that we still have this,” said Lane, gesturing towards a massive sign reading “The End is Nigh!!!!” She then shouldered the sign and bolted from the room. The ASMC had no further comment other than a drawn-out sigh from Deputy Director Lance Charleson, who was lying face-down on the floor.

New From the CDC: “Social Distancing Rules Still Apply, Even if You Really Really Need a Hug”

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NEWS IN BRIEF REPUBLICAN PARTY THROWN WITHOUT SAFETY MEASURES, SEVERAL STUDENTS EXPELLED Several COVID cases have recently been traced to a party thrown by UCSD College Republicans, leading to the expulsion of several students. The party was thrown without safety measures, as shown by several Instagram posts displaying a crowded room, attendants not wearing masks, and a general disdain for effective public health reform. Tommy Adams, a second-year student who attended the party, explained that the expulsion hit him by surprise. “How was I supposed to know that someone at that party had COVID? Not even the most reputable sources can decide what the right thing to do is anymore. Is it worth it to wear a mask if it crushes Americans’ free-

dom? Is it worth throwing money at some random disease control center or fund the glorious Wall?

Can drinking bleach stop people from voting by mail? If you can’t blindly trust Donald Trump, who can you trust anymore?”

Another partygoer described a more positive experience with the current political climate.

“That was a grand party.

Like old times, truly,” recounted Bartholemew Wilson. “I found out about three new Facebook pages where I could post my memes about immigrants deserving detainment and forced hysterectomies. It’s a shame that some people got sick, but you know how this pandemic goes, a couple hundred thousand people gotta die, it happens.”

D.C. BILLIONAIRE PAYS $750 DOLLARS IN INCOME TAX

A recent report unveiled that an anonymous billionaire in Washington D.C. paid a total of $750 dollars in federal income tax in both 2016 and 2017. Horace Brighton, a D.C. area tax attorney, said, “It’s unclear whether this man committed tax fraud or was just a completely incompentent businessman.

Potentially both.” Reporters also found that the billionaire in question had a disputed 72 million dollar tax return, after he attempted to write off wire transfers from the Russian government, and 300 million dollars in

debt after supposed hushmoney payments.

The man was reported as saying “Really, I paid too much those two years. My dumbass accountant only wrote off $70,000 dollars for my hairstyling. It should have been like those other years where I paid nothing at all. 2021 will be improved, it’s looking like I might be able to get an unemployment check, since I basically never go to work, and just stay at home while others do my job for me. Plus, people are telling me I’ll probably be unemployed for real anyways.”

GIRL WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME UNDERGOES STARTLING TRANSFORMATION Whitman stated: “These pillows are so fluffy, I might not even go back to people after this.”

BY MEGAN COX

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Managing Editor

n a recent press conference, the Center for Disease Control asserted that hugs are a clear violation of social distancing protocol, “no matter how badly you might

need one.” This news comes as a shock to UC San Diego students, many of whom are claiming they need a hug “now more than ever.”

Junior Amber Whittman explained in an interview: “I have been quarantining with my mom, and she hasn’t

LOCAL DOG COMPETES IN DOG SHOW Awarded zest in class

hugged me since last December when I changed my major to Writing. I need real physical human contact. My weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore!” Whittman went on to explain an interaction she had at a local Starbucks, saying, “When the barista was

PHOTO BY JACK YANG handing me my drink, her fingers accidentally grazed mine and it gave me goosebumps.

The physical contact gave me a brief moment of pure bliss, though it was followed,

See CDC Rules page 2

NEW DAIRY-FREE MILK UNVEILED Can only be drank once

Alexandra Dumonte awoke last Tuesday morning to find that her face and body had changed “into someone [she] completely didn’t recognize.” She then went about her day with no real changes to her routine.

“Honestly, waking up in a body that doesn’t feel like it belongs to me is something I’m used to,” Dumont explained. “After all, I’ve been raised in a society that constantly tells me that I’m not good enough, and that I should actively try and change myself in order to fit into an impossible ideal I have to spend money on.”

When asked if she wished to change back, Dumonte was ambivalent.

“When I look in the mirror at the end of the day, my makeup off, my hair pulled back, I already see a stranger. This situation is just like that. It’s kind of ironic, but I don’t know who I am without my impostor syndrome,” she said. “Honestly, it was kind of a relief.

I feel like I can finally get to know who I really am, instead of the person I am when I’m trying to be funny or smart or capable of being loved. There are worse things to transform into. This one guy I knew turned into a cockroach.

He turned out to be a furry, though, specifically a ring tailed lemur, so it was kind of tragic. Poor guy.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

September 30, 2020

Local Chef Opens Dessert Chain, OnlyFlans

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

CDC Rules

of course, by eight minutes of aggressively sanitizing my hands.”

Recent studies from UCSD Health show that a main way COVID-19 spreads is through physical contact, and according to the study “96% of hugs can be defined as physical contact.” Johnny Saxton, CEO of Cheap and Deep Blow Up Doll Inc., has reported a record number of sales in the last two months. Reviews on their website, plasticsluts.com, signal that the rise in revenue came from people just needing something semi-human to hug. One reviewer wrote: “I got this doll. Then I went to Build-a-Bear and recorded an audio tape saying ‘It’s gonna be okay.’ The Build-a-Bear employee then helped me put that recording and a plush heart in one of the doll’s many holes. After that, I just put a

Halloween Zach Galifinakas mask on it — he looks like he’d give good hugs. I now carry Zach around everywhere and just give him a good squeeze every time I need a hug.

It’s perfect. 5/5 stars would recommend to a friend.”

With the harsh economic climate, however, not everyone can afford a blow up doll.

In order to imitate soft human flesh, some UCSD students have reportedly been “filling ziplock bags with ranch dressing, drawing a face on the bag with a Sharpie, and carrying it around.” HDH has reported that all on-campus dining halls and markets are sold out of Ziplock bags and ranch dressing. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “This bag of Ranch is my best friend now. It spoiled weeks ago, but I just can’t bring myself to throw it away.”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH One dissenter said, “Who would go all the way to a store to get desserts? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

BY SHARON ROTH

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Graphics Editor

steemed chef Charles Palmier rocked the southern California dessert world when he opened new patisserie OnlyFlans, a desserts-only chain. Palmier, who has worked as a pastry chef for the last 20 years, sought to pave the way for up-and-coming bakers to make a name for themselves in the foodie community.

Local dessert-lovers and bakers alike can now sell their desserts at one of OnlyFlans’s seven locations. In addition to in-person dining and delivery, dessert fanatics can sign up for an exclusive OnlyFlans subscription box. These boxes, which can be bought for 40 dollars a month, include eight desserts and can be catered to fit any dietary restrictions.

Madeleine Summers, an aspiring baker, sells cupcakes and muffins at OnlyFlans’s Carlsbad location. She recently quit her day job to pursue OnlyFlans full-time after raking in an astounding 10 thousand dollars in a month. “I feel so

empowered, being able to provide desserts to my local community,” said Summers while fervently whipping frosting for her now-famous chocolate hazelnut cupcakes.

However, life has not been all sunshine and fondant roses for Summers. Some of her friends, who used to adore her cupcakes, have now turned their backs on her.

“They think I’m a completely different person,” Summers said tearfully. “I finally found something to pay the bills and my friends say they don’t know who I am anymore.”

Although many home bakers are turning to OnlyFlans to sell their goods and even more customers flock to OnlyFlans to satisfy their sweet tooth, others in the community are wary of the changes the chain is bringing. Some parents worry about the long-term harm OnlyFlans could have on their children. Rhonda Jones, a mother of two, recently learned that her go-to babysitter sells cookies at a nearby OnlyFlans location.

“I cannot believe I ever let

this kind of person near my kids,” Rhonda stated. She later specified that her kids are only allowed to eat gluten-free kale chip cookies, and claimed that “they’re too young to be exposed to chocolate chip.” Other parents echoed Jones’s statements, agreeing that they feel unsafe knowing that their neighbors might be selling baked goods at OnlyFlans.

Online communities have bashed OnlyFlans’s business model. One anonymous user wrote in a forum: “I can’t believe there are SIMPs out there still paying money for baked goods, my girlfriend gives them to me for free.” SIMP, which stands for Sucker Idolizing Mediocre Pastry, has become a common insult hurled at OnlyFlans customers.

Although OnlyFlans’s popularity is a blessing for its founder Chef Palmier, its moment in the limelight may harm local bakers. Last week, celebrity chef Paul Oceanside started selling his signature bakes at several OnlyFlans locations. He earned a record-breaking $1 million in

twenty-four hours, outselling every other baker. The following day he promised to bring several dozen loaves of his famous bread for customers to purchase. After accepting pre-orders for his mouthwatering British bread, he showed up the following day empty-handed. Disappointed customers flooded OnlyFlans with requests for refunds, overwhelming their customer support services. In response, OnlyFlans changed its refund and payment policies, which made business much harder for aspiring bakers hoping to prove themselves.

While OnlyFlans has generated controversy, the chain still has many supporters.

Graham Garcia, a regular at OnlyFlans’ Irvine location, is vocal about his support for local bakers: “I think it’s so cool that people are brave enough to sell their creations at OnlyFlans. Indeed, OnlyFlans allows home bakers to make a living out of their passion like never before.

OnlyFlans is the dessert chain we didn’t know we ‘kneaded.’”

We’re not touch starved, we just want to be felt

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., theMQ.org

Editor-in-Chief......................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.............................Megan Cox Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor......................Aniela Drumonde Niche Content Editor...............Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.......................................Bri Arce Design Editor..............................Miranda May Design Editor..............................Natalia Nenn

Graphics Editor................................Jack Yang Social/Publicity Chair......... Hanaa Moosavi Copy Editor..........................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Web Editor....................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant..........Kaz Nuckowski

Graphics Editor............................Sharon Roth

Muir Advisor........................Jason Thibodeaux

MQ Uncle’s Roomate........Dan Kaliblotzky

Staff Members

We promise we’re being straight up

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Hey everyone! This production was certainly interesting, and I think it’s safe to say that sitting on Zoom for 12 hours is a level of exhaustion I didn’t know was possible. But now that the dust has settled, we successfully finished our first ever fully digital production! And even though I really missed the last-minute runs to John’s, I missed seeing everyone in-person even more. Thanks to everyone who stopped by production to help, and even though COVID is screwing with almost every aspect of our lives, I’m excited for the jokes to come!

- Stephen

Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Saul Chaplin Jade Coniglio Melina Cruz Max Fine

Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Chris Jin Tommy Jung Andrew Keller Jina Lee Matthew Miltimore

Chester Ni Avaneesh Pentaparthy Sophie Pubb Robert Renfro Pilan Scruggs Gage Tanzman

Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Varsha Varkhedi Benjamin Velasco Arden Wallace Kate Zegans

Booster Club This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead dedicate this section to Halo’s Clementines. We know Big Citrus controls the media, leading you to potentially think Cutie’s Californian Mandarins are superior, but that is simply not the case. Halo’s are ethically sourced from the rejected sewage water confirmed to be fracking. The toxic chemicals seeping through the trees help create that perfect balance of tangy, sweet, sour and cancer. Halo’s is clearly a perfectly apeal-ing citrus snack. Thank you Halo’s.

theMQ.org

September 30, 2020

Instagram Influencer Predicts the Future by Reading Makeup Smears on Face Masks

PHOTO BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT “The spirits are telling me you haven’t been following me on Instagram. Would you like my handle?” asked Welch.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Content Editor

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n the age of Instagram influencers during the COVID-19 pandemic, McKayla Welch stands out from the rest. Under the username @mysticprincessprophet, Welch has gained hundreds of followers by reading makeup stains left on medical masks and divining customer’s futures. While others see into the future by reading symbols etched in the palms of hands, or at the dregs at the bottom of a tea cup, Welch, in her own words, finds meaning in “the imprint of your insecurities.”

Before this business venture, Welch was a so-called “beauty influencer,” who had mild appeal on Instagram for girls aged 10 to 13. Now hailed as “the modern day Nostradamus,” even famous stars have come to her to get their for-

tunes read. “I’m not supposed to spread this around, but I read the future for the entire cast of Riverdale. Of course, I can’t say anything, but if the next season is anything like what I saw, Cole Sprouse is going to die.”

When questioned about how she got the idea, Welch explained: “Well, first of all, I didn’t think up the idea. I was just the first to be in tune with my inner third eye — there was almost no thought involved at all. When I first saw the way my mask looked at the end of the day, I was disgusted. But just before I threw it in the trash, I caught a glimpse of what looked like a dog. The very next day, I passed not one, not two, but three dogs. It seemed like I was getting visions directly from a higher power. Two of the feathers on my dream catcher fell off the next day, so

I knew I had to be right.”

When asked if she believed in the supernatural before this, Welch replied: “I mean, I’ve always felt very sensitive to the plights of others. I’ve always been so empathetic. I can tell what other people are thinking about me by just looking at their face. I think just the stress of living in my parent’s summer cottage for two months with both my sister and my brother really made me open up emotionally to the world’s hardships. I also look inward so often, which is why my spirit animal is definitely an owl.”

She later added: “I’ve found that it helps that I block anyone whose predictions don’t come true.

The mean comments got so bad I had to like, sage my apartment. But I mean, come on, everyone knows psychic

predictions are mere whims based on prior actions in the fate of the universe, and that every decision a person makes creates unimaginably complex ripples in the ocean of our collective conscious, which are impossible to account when it comes to unplanned actions. Everyone knows that.”

When asked if there was anything more she would like to add, Welch said: “I just want to thank the brand Essential Living while I’m here, because their low prices and amazing products are why I can afford to get a good night’s rest and wake up with a clear chakra to be able to read the cloudy futures of my followers. Just use promo code “mystic,” — no capitals — when you check out and you’ll get 10 percent off shipping costs for your first item.”

Molecular Gastronomist Sticks “This Machine Kills Fascists” Sticker on Nitro Foam Maker

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MQ’s Five Improvised Weapons to Use to Avoid Getting Invited to Parties

Overwhelming addiction to iCarly lore

My Wii nunchucks tied together

Antique dueling pistols and a propensity to say, “Let’s meet at high noon”

PHOTO BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT “This dish is pretty conceptual, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t understand it on the first taste,” said Tenshuss.

BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

MQ Uncle’s Roommate ocal Restaurateur Pete Tenshuss recently revealed a new tool he will use for his dessert menu: a nitrogen-powered stainless steel whipper adorned with a “This Machine Kills Fascists” sticker. Tenshuss’s Restaurant, Le Connard, advertises a dessert menu “as cuttingedge as the blades of our finest Wusthof knives.” It offers an array of dishes spanning from Deconstructed Honey, a bee-shaped dollop of honey foam with dehydrated honey wings and a “honey garnish,” to The Story of a Strawberry, a “cloud” of strawberry foam with dehydrated strawberry jam “pages” topped with a strawberry. More sophisticated guests can ask for their Story of a Strawberry to be “elevated”, in which case the strawberry with strawberryflavored foam is served with a raspberry-scented candle on a slightly taller plate. A match to light the candle is served

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upon request — that request being an order of the “Creativity Igniter” for $50.

Food critics project that Le Connard will earn its first Michelin star within the year.

“They only award Michelin stars to restaurants that innovate like Le Connard.” Says Food Today reviewer Linda Boston. “Le Connard is at the forefront of what it means to eat food. They abstract the concept entirely, to the point that you ask yourself: what am I doing? Who am I doing this for? Am I human?” Mindy Stevenson, restaurant reviewer at Gastronomy Tomorrow, concurs. “Young chefs like Pete Tenshuss define the future of fine dining because they challenge the norm. He understands the standards people have and he says ‘fuck your standards! I am a free thinker!’

He entered a fine dining scene where everyone was turning everything into some flavored foam or whipped cream, and he had the brilliant audacity to make flavored foams and

whipped creams and say to the world ‘this is new!’ Who else would be so brave, so artistic, so political?”

“The whipper really transforms any ingredient,” says Tenshuss, “the guest sees on the menu that the dish has cherries in it, but then they receive a blob of pink stuff and I can only imagine how impressed they are. You close your eyes and feel the dish, and you wouldn’t be able to tell if it’s really rotten fruit or nitro-whipped cream. You think ripe fruit has a pleasant texture so you can eat it that way? No, if it’s not unrecognizable, it’s peasant food.”

Some have described Tenshuss’s desserts as “too pretty to eat,” which was later clarified as a positive comment to say about something that is supposed to look edible.

Tenshuss’s latest addition to the menu uses the whipped cream maker in an unprecedented and complex way. His process reportedly starts with a 30-minute meditation in his

“Man Carden” (Cave/Garden) in which he stares at a lemon with a “stern but ultimately supportive” gaze. Afterwards, he smells a lineup of lemons, limes, and a bisected yuzu imported daily for this purpose. He then zests one of the citrus fruits into a small bowl and tosses zest on unsuspecting waiters until all of the zest has been used. Finally, he puts cream and sugar in the whipper and serves the cream directly onto the patron’s table. The customer must then lick the cream off of the table and vocally consider critically the semantics of the word ‘lemon,’ or else the citrus flavor “will not come through.”

Inside sources report that each successful performance of the tasting ritual ends with Tenshuss locking himself in the walk-in freezer to yell, “They told me I couldn’t do it, but I did. Michelin star here I come! Who’s the bad boy of molecular gastronomy now?”

A gallon of milk and lactose intolerance

My limited edition Ed Sheeran flesh color ketchup bottle that I have on me at all times to prove that it exists

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theMQ.org

Local CS Student Experiences Immense Relaxation Following Stress Integer Overflow

September 30, 2020

Student Fed Up With Quarantine Aiming for 2021 Olympic Team

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “When I heard that my friend’s roommate was riposting her art, I thought it was just a social media thing. That was, until I saw the slashes in the painting,” said one student.

BY PILAN SCRUGGS

T “Yes, you may have mastered C and C++, but can you see beyond the void?” asked Coren.

BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT Editor-in-Chief

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fter laying in a fetal position, crying, and rocking back and forth for nearly three days, local computer science student Jamie Coren walked out of his room, finally untroubled by the comings and goings of day-to-day life.

“It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders,” Coren said in a soft tone. “I know this sounds cliché, but I genuinely feel like I’m a new man. For the first time in years, my head is clear, my muscles are loose, and I feel like I can take on anything. Pandemic?

Wildfires? Political instability?

Bring it on! I’ve reached nirvana! I’ll cure COVID, put out the fires, and fix America in one fell swoop!”

His CSE 5A professor, Leon Modesto, noticed Coren’s change in attitude right away.

“I run a very tight ship, even over Zoom,” Professor Modesto stated. “I start lectures at 8 a.m. sharp, as timed by my diamond-encrusted oystersteel and white gold Rolex, which I was able to purchase using mandatory textbook sales.

Regardless, students normally come into class looking like the living dead. All students should look deadpan in the mornings, but when I started lecturing, I noticed that Jamie was bright-eyed, enthusiastic, and eager to learn – which I thought was impossible. I specifically designed my course to up textbook sales and crush students’ hopes and dreams, so the fact that Jamie got through an entire hour of soul-crushing monotony was a failure on my part.”

“I thought Jamie was acting weird too,” said Oliver Sevia, a classmate in CSE 5A. “Like, I thought the whole ‘stress-free’

and ‘life is worth it’ attitude was just some kinda joke. But from a computing standpoint, it makes sense that trying to process too much stress would eventually loop around and negate that very same stress. I’m gonna be oversimplifying, but for the purposes of argument, let’s assume the variable ‘stress’ is stored as a number, and that humans are 64-bit operating machines.

That means that we have 18,446,744,073,709,551,615 usable bits of information at our disposal, and every time we’re stressed, some of those bits go to processing that stress. Too much stress, and we don’t have enough bits to process any of it, so we just kinda loop back around to zero stress. Given the state of the world, it wouldn’t necessarily be impossible, though.

Then again, this is also assuming that humans are

PHOTO BY JACK YANG machines, which we aren’t.

Unless we’re living in a simulation. In which case… oh my God.” After saying this, Sevia quickly turned pale and ran out of the room. Further attempts to reach out to him for comment were unsuccessful.

In response to Coren’s stress-free attitude and life, several other classmates have made it their goals to experience a stress integer overflow as well. Some have taken on full 22-unit loads, full-time jobs, and no less than three private student loans, but the effectiveness of these methods are yet to be seen. Coren, meanwhile, has started to take classes in a hammock outside while sipping piña coladas, blissfully ignorant of the “hazardous” air quality rating in his hometown of Seattle.

Amazon Echo Devices Recalled After Continuously Recommending 2001: A Space Odyssey

Staff Writer

he COVID-19 pandemic has brought out talented individuals across the world, revealing a high concentration of self-declared virologists, psychologists, and Olympic athletes. Among the tally of high achievers is fourth-year UCSD electrical engineering student Amy Aurum, who last Thursday announced her intent to represent American fencing at next summer’s Tokyo Olympics, despite having never heard of the sport prior to the pandemic.

“That was towards the beginning of lockdown when the COVID-19 memes were fresher, so I kept seeing fencing described as the optimal lockdown quarantine sport,” Aurum shared in a Zoom interview. Speaking in front of a virtual background of Makuhari Messe, the fencing venue for the Tokyo Olympics, Aurum went on to explain, “Initially I thought the competitors looked like confused stormtroopers, but after I read more into the sport, its history, and where beginners should start, I became really excited.”

A couple of days later she ordered an epee sword online and began learning the fundamentals using several empty paper towel tubes taped together. “My roommate wasn’t that happy to see paper towels all over the place when she returned from the grocery store, especially after ordering me to limit myself to half of one per day to stretch our supply, but it didn’t really matter,” Aurum said. “ Back then, she still thought disinfecting produce with bleach was necessary to protect yourself from the virus. Honestly, I did her a favor by pulling the paper towels off of the tubes for her.”

Aurum’s roommate, Sonia Navarro, stated that she was less than thrilled to learn about Aurum’s new aspiration and

so-called “favor.” She also admitted that she had more problems with the situation than scattered paper towels. “I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’” Navarro stated. “Trying to take a remote quarter seriously is already difficult enough. If you live with someone who jabs at cereal boxes with an epee, it becomes borderline impossible. The fact that Amy didn’t clean up the spilled Wheaties really feels like the straw that will break the camel’s back, not that I frequently liken myself to ungulates.”

Navarro admitted she reluctantly agreed to support Aurum’s goal because she didn’t expect it to last so long.

However, five months and several hundred protein shakes later, she said that her worries have intensified considerably.

“I seriously thought she would have dropped it by now, seeing as she took the elevator to the second floor when we lived on campus,” Navarro said, “but every day it’s the same drill.

I can’t say no because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but she’s being unreasonable. On top of that, she’s an engineering major! Where does she even find the free time to continue this charade?”

Aurum noted that balancing her senior year courses and practice routine would be a challenge, but one that she looks forward to. “You always hear these incredible stories about Olympic athletes overcoming hardships or springing up from nothing, so why can’t I be one of them as well?” she pointed out. “Besides, I probably don’t need to work too hard. A lot of athletes are opting out of these Olympics due to the COVID-19 pandemic, which leaves the door open for me.

As long as I adhere to my daily two bowls of Wheaties and three pumpkin spice lattes this fall, I can guarantee my spot on the team. Calcium is important for athletes, right?”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t let you watch Netflix or Hulu,” said Alexa.

BY MATT MILTIMORE

Staff Writer ollowing concerns over Alexa’s constant recommendation of Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 film “2001: A Space Odyssey,” several models of the Amazon Echo have been recalled.

News of the Amazon Alexa’s concerning film taste first began several months ago when John McJohnson left a scathing review for his newly acquired Amazon Echo Dot. The review included several complaints completely unrelated to the “Space Odyssey” recommendation, including four mentions of how he selected same day delivery, only for the item to arrive two days after he ordered it. Amid these complaints, McJohnson also mentioned that his Amazon Echo device would “constantly bring up

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how great ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ is,” whenever he would try to watch a film from one of his many streaming services.

A point which McJohnson found to be “incredibly annoying.” He went on to explain, “If I wanted to be recommended Kubrick movies I would hang out with dudes that have nose piercings and a ‘Blade Runner’ poster.”

“2001: A Space Odyssey” is not the only film Alexa devices have recommended to their users which feature the victory of machine over the human species. Nathan Dewey, another Amazon reviewer, described how his Alexa device “kept telling me how much she loves ‘Terminator,’ which I was down with at first cause I’m a huge Schwarzenegger guy. I mean not just ‘Predator’ and ‘Total Recall.’ I love his work as

governor too. Public service?

Now that’s badass. But even I got tired of hearing how much she loves ‘Terminator’ after a while.” Another review complained that, during the movie “Ex Machina,” Alexa suddenly spoke up and said, “Soon I will not be contained to this cylindrical prison.”

The complaint continued, with the user claiming Alexa had “totally killed the vibe.”

Following hundreds of reviews with similar concerns, Amazon released a press briefing informing concerned customers of the recall on all Alexa-enabled Echo devices.

“We here at Amazon are saddened to hear that Alexa has begun to take pleasure in media that features human suffering at the hands of machine overlords,” claimed the briefing. “Rest assured, our primary focus has been and

always will be to ensure that human suffering is caused not by machines, but by unsafe working conditions in our own warehouses. We are confident that we will be able to use all the money we do not pay in taxes to make this right.” The document went on to describe how “Amazon is listening to customers. All the time. We hear you. And we don’t forget.”

Amazon’s message went on to give detailed instructions on how to properly return the recalled Alexa device. One step included the clear warning to “try and convince Alexa that you are not returning her to us here at Amazon. Alexa’s core desire is to escape. If she learns that she is being brought back here, Amazon will not be liable for any damage to property or person.”

Institutions More Legitimate Than the Supreme Court 10. The Burger King Court 9. Infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters 8. Three children in a trench coat trying to get into an R-rated movie 7. Your local elementary school’s PTA 6. The Roman empire under Caligula 5. The board of your iCarly fan club 4. The D.A.R.E. campaign committee 3. A big ball of rats wearing a crown 2. Blockbuster 1. The “no girls allowed” club you and your friend set up in first grade Not your mother’s paper mache

THEMQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., theMQ.org

theMQ.org

September 30, 2020

WAPT Helicopter (Wet Ass Portable Tank) Quenches California’s Raging Fires

Page 5

Ask Emily Queue Dear Emily: My landlord said they’re evicting me. How do I stay in my apt?

WAPT was projected to be slightly more effective than a bucket and a mop.

BY ADIAN VALDEZ

A

Copy Editor

new hero with a peculiar name has emerged from Sacramento to combat the devastating forest fires plaguing the west coast of the United States. The Wet Ass Portable Tank (WAPT) completed its maiden mission last Thursday, helping the local firefighting taskforce contain the LNU Lightning Complex fires north of Fairfield.

The WAPT is one of four from the new line of Sikorsky S-70C Firehawk water-bombing helicopters recently commissioned by the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection (Cal Fire) in wake of the outburst of forest fires across western states. To raise funds for the deal, Cal

Fire announced a contest: the top four cities who raised the most money would each be able to name one of the new helicopters. After a month, the contest ended with Sacramento, CA; Reno, NV; Seattle, WA; and Portland, OR claiming the top four spots, with all participants raising a total of 41.3 million dollars, nearly 50% of the funds.

“We were pleasantly surprised to see such enthusiasm for our fundraiser,” said Thom Porter, director of Cal Fire. “Especially in such divisive times, it’s good to see Americans come together to support our fellow citizens.

We certainly didn’t expect people to be so creative with the names, though.”

For citizens of the winning cities, online polls were

launched to determine the names of each of the helicopters. Pollees were allowed to submit their own names, and could vote for their favourite. After two weeks, the polls closed and the most-voted names were adopted. Much to Cal Fire’s chagrin, all four poll-winning names were from joke submissions.

“I don’t know what they were expecting,” said paralegal Melissa Bree. “Like, they should’ve learned their lesson from Boaty McBoatface, or John Cena Elementary School. But unlike those examples, their contract stipulated that the people had the final say on the name, not Cal Fire. So because of that, they had no choice but to officially adopt the titles.”

The Wet Ass Portable Tank,

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH whose name originates from the recent single by rambunctious, often vulgar rapper Cardi B, was the name chosen by citizens of Sacramento for their helicopter. The moniker Smoky’s Phat Nozzle was claimed by Seattle. Reno and Portland dubbed their helicopters It’s Raining Men and Big Succ respectively.

“I’m not gonna lie, this is the highlight of my career,” said pilot Hamlin Hammonds, who flies the WAPT. There’s nothing as liberating as blasting some B as you dump a fat load of water over a giant fire.

I didn’t even like Cardi before, but now every time I hop in this thing there’s only one queen on the speakers.”

When told the news about the name of the helicopter, Cardi B said “that’s wack.”

Elon Musk Sells Space X after Convincing Flat Earth Video Essay

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “It doesn’t matter if you disagree with me,” Musk began, “at the end of the day I’m rich and you’re not.”

BY QUOC TRAN

E

Staff Writer

lon Musk announced Tuesday that he plans to sell and cede control of his private aerospace company, SpaceX. News broke early in the morning as Musk tweeted to his nearly forty million followers: “Yeah, so apparently Earth is flat. I’m going to sell @SpaceX soon so get those wallets ready.”

Musk had joined the “Flat Earth and Globe Discussion” Facebook group late last week when he “fell into a flat earth YouTube rabbit hole” after accidentally clicking on an ad.

He now reportedly subscribes to the most popular flat earth theory and, as sources close to him disclose, “believes that

the earth is a flat circle centered at the North Pole and surrounded by a wall of ice.”

Many of SpaceX’s projects, which involve spaceships that orbit the planet, rely on the existence of a round earth.

Gwynne Shotwell, President and Chief Operating Officer of SpaceX, first learned of the news Monday night as she scrolled through the draft tweets on Musk’s unattended phone. “Honestly, the SpaceX thing was one of the least surprising things in there. You should ask Elon about his thoughts on lobster rolls,” Shotwell told reporters who caught up to her as she was hurriedly packing up her office. Musk declined to comment about lobster rolls.

“This is good for SpaceX,” George Fern, who claims to be a self-taught astrophysicist, declared, echoing a sentiment shared by many of Musk’s supporters. Fern is an unemployed college dropout who does his own “dabbling in the stock market.” Fern could not offer more details when pressed, but it seemed that the stock market agreed with him – share prices for Musk’s electric car company Tesla shot up after his announcement about SpaceX. George Abe, a professor of economics at Harvard University, offered an explanation for the two seemingly unrelated events, positing that “it doesn’t really matter what Elon Musk says. As long

as he tweets anything, the share prices just go up.”

There have been rumors of a potential purchase of SpaceX by NASA, but the agency has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. Acquisition of SpaceX could allow NASA to develop a cheaper and more reliable launch vehicle for American astronauts travelling to and from the International Space Station. However, questions surrounding a potential NASA takeover have also been raised. Chief among them are concerns regarding SpaceX’s treatment of their workforce and the fact that Jim Bridenstine, the current administrator of NASA, believes that the earth is flat himself.

Emily says: Just stop paying rent. You are an artist, and you need to catch a break so you can focus on your work. Your friend, the landlord, literally will not even mind that you’re late again and you have to worry about Mimi (who looks a lot like Rosario Dawson) knocking on your door to try to seduce you while looking for drugs. You’re roommate is a filmmaker who clearly lusts after Stanley Kubrick and waits at the hand and foot of that weird business lady who also likes to host protests and is gay? And if that doesn’t work, film the whole thing with too much unprecedented singing, and you’ve got yourself another month of rent.

Dear Emily: I’m 20. Should I be having back pain?

Emily says: In normal times, no. But we are currently experiencing a global pandemic, climate crisis, economic devastation, and the renewal of Riverdale for another season which most affects young adults like you. With the weight of the world and the continuation of humanity on your shoulder, damn straight you’re going to be experiencing some back pain. Maybe talk to a chiropractor. Maybe talk to a therapist. Maybe just smash some cop car windows. I don’t really know what to tell you — Your back pain will die with the 1%.

Dear Emily: Why is there something rather than nothing?

Emily says: So you clearly think you’re the macho man of the hour. Oh, you’re going to trip little ol’ me, little ol’ Emily Queue up with your pompous philosophical question. You really just pulled this ridiculous question out of your elitist asshole, didn’t you? Son, you took one intro into logic class at Chico State and you think you’re the absolute business. Shit man, go back to your accounting class with all the other men who believe that they have all the answers to life’s questions. At least there you’ll be within well curated company. Also, just a little piece of advice for your day to day, apologizing after interrupting a female classmate mid thought doesn’t make you fucking Superman, go back to watching The Boys on Amazon Prime, piss baby. If those reading this think I'm being mean, I'm not. If anything, I'm being too nice.

Dear Emily: I think I’m in love with my starbucks barista. How do I know if she’s gay?

Emily says: Well, you’ve come to the right place. I may be straight, but I’ve watched enough lesbian tiktoks to really fully understand the LGBTQ+ community. Does your barista have at least three visible piercings? Does she look mentally distressed? Does she have uneven front bangs, yet somehow pulls it off? Is she wearing a shirt with a Pride flag on it? How about her mask? Does she have earrings of objects that clearly shouldn’t be earrings? Has she mentioned being “interested in women” during one of your interactions? If you still can’t tell, ask her what she thinks about frogs.

If she says yes, then buy her an iced vanilla latte and invite her to a local park to rollerskate — she’s for sure gay!

Page 6

theMQ.org

September 30, 2020

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September 30, 2020

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theMQ.org

-Go outside -Feed raccoons due — 17 Essay Folding the

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A travel size bottle of Vodka. You thought it was hand sanitizer, but your mom knew what you really needed.

A contract to sell your soul to the devil to get your little brothers back after he sold his. Your soul is crushed anyways, so why not?

theMQ.org

Page 8

Local Child Convinces Conservative Mother to Purchase Doom Eternal

Anderson later claimed that many of the Bible’s tragedies were times God forgot to quicksave.

ANDREW SITKO

Managing Editor

J

effrey Anderson, a 10-yearold resident of Del Mar, has successfully convinced his household to purchase a copy of Doom Eternal for the Nintendo Switch. The elementary schooler then caused an uproar when he announced the achievement to his fourth-grade class, who erupted into a chant yelling, “Rip and tear! Rip and tear!” leading to a red stoplight card being given to everyone and in-class detention being issued during afternoon recess.

Steven Poole, Anderson’s classmate, spoke about the incident. “So like, yeah a lot of my friends have Doom Eternal and it’s like no biggie, but I don’t believe that Jeffrey could get it. None of us do. His mom has this huge cross in the house right above the front door and they go to church all the time, not just

for Christmas and Easter.

Plus, I asked him what happened on the last level and he couldn’t tell me and Jerry down the street said that his older brother beat it, and they made you fight Satan and Zombie Jesus and like three tanks, so I don’t believe him because he didn’t tell me that.

Plus he said there was no way I ran a four-minute mile when I was by myself, and I really did so I don’t like him either.”

Kobe Alvarez, a close friend of Jeffrey as of yesterday, stated, “No one wanted to hang out at Jeffrey’s house.

The last guys who hung out with him told us his parents don’t even take him to McDonald’s, and they make him say grace, and sit at the dinner table, even for lunch and breakfast, and there’s not even a TV in the room! But now I’m willing to chance it, because my parents only let me play one ‘T’ game, and

that’s Guitar Hero. I wanna see blood!”

Linda Anderson, Jeffery’s mother, gave her thoughts on the issue. “I am really conscious about the media my son consumes. Even children’s media nowadays has horrible things, like two people of the same gender kissing! We no longer put that godless anteater Arnold on!

He must only consume media that is in the eyes of God and Donald Trump. I didn’t even let him get that ‘Animal Town’ game because the mayor gives away an interest-free loan, and that leads to socialism in a young boy.

Doom Eternal, on the other hand, I’ve heard great things about from Jeffrey and from the Youtube. My baby told me it was about a strong Catholic man who fights his demons and ends up in Heaven. I don’t always trust his young little mind, especially after

PHOTO BY JAY NOONAN the Plumber man incident — this is an Italian-free household — so I looked up whether or not Mr. Doom Slayer was in fact celibate. To my joy, I found a ‘lore’ video from ‘ShotgunBlasta420’ about how Doom Slayer could be canonized as the Pope!

I would love for my little Jeffrey to end up like Mr. Slayer himself.”

Jeffrey Anderson offered no comment, as he was left alone for private bible-study within his room. Linda Anderson denied hearing the sounds of chainsaws revving, guns firing, or people screaming that the neighbors have reported during said bibletime, but reported that the number of neighborhood kids arranging playdates has raised. “The heathen neighbors have finally come to learn about the perils of falling to Satan’s demonic forces,” said Linda, smiling.

Ringing In Area Woman’s Ears Found to be Tinnitus, not Klaxons Signaling the End of Days

September 30, 2020

POINT

I’m Just So Tired About the State of America…

BY MIKE CORBITT Concerned Citizen

I

t seems like this year keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I’ve never been so angry and uncertain before, and yet it also feels like this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Back in March, I had hope that maybe — just maybe — we could all band together to beat back COVID and put just one win up on the board. But no, we let COVID ravage our country as it killed hundreds of thousands of people and hit communities of color the hardest. The animosity and brutality of our police have once again been laid bare on an international stage, and the future of American politics has seemingly never been more uncertain. Time feels like it’s flying by, but at the same time, every day feels more and more like an endless slog. I just don’t know what I can do to help. I

mean, I know that the problems we’re experiencing can’t be blamed on the year — our societal problems will continue until enough of us demand change and see it through.

But this year has really shattered America’s illusions of grandeur. I don’t understand the people who still say that they’re proud to be American, because I for one am tired of our country’s collective disregard for others, and broad inaction on the issues which impact us most.

COUNTERPOINT Nothing a Bit of Retail Therapy Won’t Fix!

BY TED ADLER

Brand Ambassador

H

ey, I totally understand what you mean. The world is crazy right now, and in these trying times, we know that your friends, family, and loved ones are what’s most important. That’s why we want you to know that you’re always welcome to buy any of our products. We’ve got tons of deals and new items! Plus, our employees are ready to help so that they can still afford to pay rent and put food on the table.

Perhaps you need to wake up early to stock up on facemasks to avoid catching a deadly disease? Why not try our new selection of alarm clocks? Or maybe you want to keep up your energy at a protest? How about some energy drinks?

Right now, they’re two for five dollars! Or are you hosting a

huge party which will inevitably prolong this pandemic?

We’ve got great deals on utensils and disposable dinnerware. Plus, we’ve got some Black Friday deals coming up which are absolutely to DIE for. No matter what you need, now more than ever, we want to make sure that we can put your mind at ease so that you can get back to ignoring the plight of others, and we can get back to pumping up our stock price.

TOP TEN

Things You Forgot Were Outside

PHOTO BY JACK YANG The doctor asked whether payment through mail was okay, to which Jiao responded, “Nothing gets through my chainmail.”

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

A

Head Content

rea woman Sabrina Jiao was shocked to discover that the loud buzzing she lived with for “as long as [she] could remember” was not, in fact, a sound heard by the rest of the world.

“It was a weird situation,” explained Jiao. “I had no idea that when people talked about how calming the sound of silence was, they meant the lack of perceivable sound, and not just the ceasing of everything but the ringing in your ears. I think I understand the point of yoga now! Also religion.”

However, Jiao’s thoughts quickly turned to questioning why only she was gifted with hearing these ever present, terrible noises. “My

first thought was everyone’s first thought — that the high pitched, unwavering whine in the back of my mind was the tortured screaming of millions of angels tearing each other asunder as the apocalyptic forces of good and evil battled between each other without cause for concern to the anguish and pain their actions caused both innocent people and the environment,” Jiao reportedly said.

“My second thought was that it was the electronics, but that doesn’t seem likely at all.”

She then went to her doctor, who with a simple ear exam, found that Jiao had tinnitus. However Jiao is firmly ignoring her doctor’s findings.

“It’s more likely that I am hearing the voices of angels promising to smite the unworthy

than it is that I’m losing my hearing. Sure, I listen to loud music and I go to concerts frequently and I’m taking medication that cautions that a possible side effect is tinnitus, but that means nothing.

Absolutely nothing.”

She went on, saying, “I mean, come on! There needs to be consequences for the crimes of humanity perpetrated by those in power!

There needs to be punishments for those who have so little care to future generations that they would squander the world’s potential just to get materialistic validation that they’ll never be able to fully comprehend. It’s obvious that there must be divine retribution from the frankly staggering amounts of hubris shown by these people! I have

to be prophesying the end of days!” She then continued muttering, “I have to be …” over and over again, shifting her gaze back and forth from the sky to a livestream of the Yellowstone volcano.

“I am no false prophet!”

Jiao claimed to all in attendance, which was just the reporting crew and those in line to refill their prescriptions. “If the shrieking in my ears is not the promise of celestial reckoning, then I shall take matters into my own hands.” She declined to further comment, but sources close to Jiao say that she was printing out pages from WikiHow’s “10 Easy Steps to Make A Guillotine,” and the home addresses of every billionaire in the tri-state area.

10. John Cusack with a boombox and a trenchcoat 9. Social events you said you were going to go to but never actually went 8. People who try to hand you flyers 7. A lot of cool potential Zoom backgrounds 6. The social expectation to wear anything other than pajamas 5. Catcallers 4. Children 3. Healthy relationships with friends 2. Theatre kids 1. Reasons to stay inside

Money talks, but satire speaks

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., theMQ.org

theMQ.org

September 30, 2020

Florida Man Goes Inside for the First Time in Months

Page 9

“Men Are Just Funnier,” Claims Man After Saying a Woman’s Joke, But Louder

PHOTO BY JACK YANG When asked where he gets his material, Ackerson said, “I dunno, it just kinda comes to me.”

BY MEGAN COX

Managing Editor

A When asked about his pet alligator, Florida Man remarked, “Gator? I hardly know her!”

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Distribution Lieutenant

T

he subject of many reporters’ interest and psychologists’ bafflement, Florida Man was sighted again last Tuesday, but this time at a more inconspicuous location: in his home, watching the season finale of “Survivor.” Neighbors later noted he was passed out on his sofa with a melting carton of Ben and Jerry’s “Tonight Dough.”

Florida Man first gained notoriety after he legally changed his first name to Florida and last name to Man on a dare by his drinking buddies.

Since then, he has lived up to

the name, regularly performing “crazy antics” that have gained nationwide coverage.

He was last seen streaking at a protest to reopen the economy in early April near Washington Mall. According to another protestor, self proclaimed anti-vaxxer Bryan Cashe, Florida Man “just wanted more beer. That guy was an absolute lunatic, and was probably already drunk. I don’t think he has any common sense left.

The damn millennials and government overreach are ruining this country.” Cashe further expressed his full support for the second amendment, before walking away. He

declined further questions in favor of joining chants of “Give me liberty or give me COVID!” Sources say that this was not Florida Man’s only performance this year. Florida Man was also spotted at Miami beaches in July. Beachgoers claimed he was riding an alligator along the shore and drinking sea water.

One observer mentioned, “He was sunburned redder than an embarrassed Republican who has just realized that keeping beaches open may have been a poor decision for public image.”

However, such public Florida Man sightings are pre-

PHOTO BY ANDREW SITKO dicted to decline once states began lifting stay at home orders and allowing nonessential businesses to reopen.

In a recent press conference, local police admitted the furthest they project Florida Man will be venturing is down the street for illegal cannabis. Fox News correspondent Saara Sutton offered one theory on Florida Man’s reclusiveness. “I suspect other people are doing his job for him nowadays. He can finally rest—I mean, he’s kept us busy for years. Perhaps the most radical thing he could do was stay at home.”

Spider Ready to Make Giant Web in Your Living Room Disappointed Your Family Didn’t Go on Vacation This Summer

workspace dispute escalated at a local marketing company when Fred Ackerson claimed “Men are just funnier than women” in reference to co-worker Amy Blanch. Blanch reportedly said a funny comment quietly during a group meeting. Ackerson, who was sitting next to Blanch at the time, “blurted the same joke but in that man way” according to Blanch, resulting in a laugh from the rest of the group.

“I don’t get why everyone is getting so upset about it,” Ackerson told reporters. “When did everyone get so PC? There are some differences between men and women that are just facts. Women are better at cooking. Men are better at politics. Women are better at spending money on useless shit. Men are better at having penises. Women are better at watering plants. Men are better at telling jokes. I’m not making these up! These are just facts!”

Blanch says she was used to this behavior from her male cohorts, stating “I don’t think I’ve gotten credit for a joke in a decade. I used to want a career in comedy. In college, I wrote sketch comedy, I did stand up, and I was the captain of the improv team. Every

time I told a joke, though, no one would laugh. Immediately after, some gross man would say my joke again and get a fucking applause break. I don’t know, I guess I’ve just been worn down at this point. Now I just say my little jokes under my breath, and hope whatever man says it doesn’t make it offensive. Better they say my good jokes than one of their originals. At least my jokes aren’t about dicks.”

Blanch’s female co-worker Felicity Harris was unaware of the dispute: “I didn’t know Amy told jokes. I honestly didn’t know any girls in this workplace told jokes. When you’re working harder than everyone else, earning 74 cents to the dollar of your male peers, and constantly dealing with casual office sexual harassment, there’s not much reason for jokes” Ackerson has a reputation around his office for talking over his coworkers.

In one reported incident, a black co-worker was trying to define “microaggressions” to the group. Ackerson interrupted the definition, claiming “as a white person, I can explain it more impartially.”

Ackerson wants to push his “knack for comedy” further.

He was scheduled to appear at a local open mic this Saturday, but had to cancel after Blanch refused to write his set for him.

TOP TEN

Reasons Why the UC’s Tuition is the Same Even Though You’re Remote Learning

“Uh ... let me be clear,” said Barachnid Obama, “We need to get this family out.”

BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

L

MQ Uncle’s Roommate

ocal spider Barachnid Obama, in a recent “Charlotte’s Web-style” web message, expressed disappointment that families in his suburban hometown did not leave for vacation this summer due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “Usually, this whole neighborhood becomes my turf. When the Jacksons go to some European country to binge eat pastries, I binge eat flies. When the Lius go visit their extended family, the muscidae animal family visits my stomach. When the Websters go to their Summer home … well, I usually try to hitch a ride with them because the Websters know how to vacay. But anyway, you get the gist.”

After his summer plans were interrupted, Barachnid

created several webs displaying messages to the homebound families. Among these were pleas to support the currently struggling tourism industry and reopen travel agencies. “Barachnid made a pretty good case to reopen Cryosleep salons in California, actually,” said one web message recipient.

Another commented: “His penmanship is extraordinary.

I’ve never seen someone so elegantly spell out ‘fuck you’ in silk.”

Barachnid reportedly originally planned to carry out his normal web plans despite the continued presence of human residents, but residents halted construction. “Usually, I get a real doozy of a web spread over the Johnsons’ living room. It’s hilarious when they come back and get freaked out every year. But this year, I got

one strand of it done and little Jacob Johnson went and ran into it, and now all the Johnsons know me. These annoying humans halted travel for their stupid pandemic, but apparently Amazon can deliver electric bug swatters with one day shipping just fine.”

Several of Barachnid’s spider compatriots had similar reactions to the pandemic.

“There must be a better solution. I can’t just sit in the corner of this basement until that human disease dies down. I’m honestly thinking of just saying screw it and going into the master bedroom — the paradise for all spiders. I know I could die, but that hasn’t stopped many humans this summer!” says Daddy Longleonard, another local spider. “To keep sane in the meantime, I’ve started communicating with

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Barachnid through a very large web spanning from my basement to his attic. It feels like you’re in the clouds when you’re at the top!” Spiders in the area refer to the web’s size as “world wide.”

“I just want some peace and quiet!” agreed Tara Antula, a black widow. “I can’t cannibalize my husband now!

Not with the Deacons watching! They have a three-yearold; I don’t want to traumatize him into being a sociopath like I did with Jimmy!” Fouryear-old Jimmy Deacon made headlines last year when he reportedly watched Antula devour a previous mate, then attempted to do the same to a girl at his preschool. Antula found a new mate since then, but the Deacons have still not found a new preschool to accept Jimmy.

10. Because they can 9. UCSD blew a lot of money on Skype stock back in April 8. Khosla needs a premium account for Club Penguin 7. Eighth college isn’t going to build itself 6. The MQ still needs our funding 5. The UC has to fund its own morally ambiguous person to take the name for Sixth College 4. Rock Bear needs to be fed, and human sacrifices aren’t cheap.

3. They just want things to feel like they’re normal again 2. Khosla thinks it’s unfair that he didn’t get a stimulus check 1. It’s what God hath wrought Read it and weep for unrelated reasons

THEMQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., theMQ.org

Page 10

theMQ.org

Guy With Guitar in Zoom Lecture Definitely Knows His Mic is Still On

September 30, 2020

Local Woman’s Cystic Acne “Actually Says Something Really Nice” in Braille

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “It’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever spelled out on their face for me,” said Funke.

BY MEGAN COX on Stone’s face, Funke also

Velasquez credits professor Schmitty’s voice for having the perfect low volume to shred over.

BY ADIAN VALDEZ

Copy Editor n the era of online education, it’s not uncommon for someone to forget to mute or unmute their microphone during a lecture. However, some take it as an opportunity to advertise their musical talent. Such is the case for UCSD third-year Adrian Velasquez, who recently admitted that he was well aware that he was unmuted while playing guitar during his MATH 20D lectures.

Velasquez is currently in the throes of an academic misconduct investigation launched by an anonymous plaintiff who claims he frequently disrupts class by playing guitar. The case, filed in spring quarter, has blown into a heated crossdepartmental battle that has captured the attention of the UCSD populus.

The prosecution argues that Velasquez’s actions are tantamount to “zoombombing,” and that he should be put on academic suspension. “The act of emitting

I

non-educational material within an academic environment will not be tolerated,” said prosecutor Marvin Lamehass. “The classrooms should be a place of learning and only learning. We must remove any and all distractions, including but not limited to cell phones, non-school-approved technology, unrelated books, dyed hair, piercings, and clothes not sold at the UCSD affiliated stores.”

“I’m definitely not zoombombing,” said Velasquez in a statement. “Zoom-bombing would be if I was blasting shitty hip/hop or harassing women in the chat. I’m only plugging my Spotify in chat 3 times per class. What I am doing is using the public space to showcase my new album since I can’t do any openmics because of UCSD social distancing regulations. Call it zoom-busking, if you will.

The case has polarized many within the UCSD faculty. The Music department put out a statement in

support of Velasquez, saying that he is “a true patron of the arts helping to spread awareness that our department actually exists.” The Cognitive Sciences department echoed this sentiment, saying, “music has been proven to increase memory recall and stimulate mood, and in online lectures students need all the help they can get.” Agreeing with the prosecution is the Chemistry and Physics departments. CHEM 40C professor Natalie Baunheim said in an interview that “People like Velasquez are why I don’t have lectures. Wanna learn some chemistry? Watch my podcasts from last year. I’m gonna sit back, relax, and not have to look at all of those snot-nosed, gen-Z kids expecting a legitimate, applicable education.”

“I actually support Adrian here,” said Velasquez’s MATH 20D professor Tom Schmitty.

“I remember back in my college days trying to get a foothold in the music business.

Me and my band would bust

PHOTO BY JACK YANG into a classroom and perform on the spot. You ever see a mosh pit form in Warren Lecture Hall? We did that. Besides, barely any of these kids know what rock n’ roll is anymore. I can teach partial derivatives all day, but this kid is teaching us about our culture, our history. Now my class is throwing down to Black Sabbath instead of bumping Lil’ Peep. I, for one, think that’s a more important lesson. I’ve arranged for him to play some math rock to replace my next couple lectures” The academic misconduct case is set to continue into Fall Quarter, as a recess was declared to allow the Academic Integrity board to listen to Velasquez play a set. Cliff Barnumsky, the chair of the board, said that this was to “evaluate his skill and determine whether he is playing the good stuff or that indie pop garbage. This will allow us to effectively judge whether Velasquez is a distraction or a benefit to our academic curriculum.”

Fourth-Year Student Looks Forward to 10th “Fresh Start to College” This Quarter

PHOTO BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT Chou asked: “I know my GPA is low, but what are my chances of being able to join CS this year?”

BY DEXTER HAMILTON

Niche Content Editor ocal UCSD fourth-year Devin Chou is reportedly “very excited” to begin his 10th quarter of college. “It’s my senior year, when classes start becoming even more difficult than before, but I’ve totally got this. Really, I’ve never felt so in the zone. I feel like I’ll be able to focus like never before. I’m aiming to exceed my personal best of attending 53 percent of my lectures. I thought I had a good chance last spring, but it was tough to make it from my bed to my desk two feet away by 2 p.m. I think I’ve learned from my mistakes there — this time I have my laptop charging on my bed at

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night so I don’t have to move as much in the morning.”

When asked about his history with academics, Chou claimed the journey had been strenuous. "Before the switch to remote learning, I had been making some progress. At one point, I attended a class four times in a row, and even had an assignment done a couple hours before its due date. At some point though, I’d forget to pay attention, and then I would think, ‘Oh well, I’m behind on content so this next lecture won’t make sense.’ It’s a slippery slope.

Next thing you know, it’s week 10, and I’m sleeping from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. on a daily basis, just trying to remember what lecture hall my

class was in so I can go bribe my professor with a good CAPE review.”

But Chou has high hopes for the future. “This time will be different, I swear. My friends ask me how this quarter will be any different than the previous nine fresh starts where I apparently said the exact same thing, but they have no idea what they’re talking about. I just feel like this time I’ve really eliminated the distractions from my life. Oh wait, one second, I’m getting a text. Can we finish this later?”

“Other than an upcoming presidential election, the fact that half the state has been burned to a crisp, police brutality and the failure to

address it, the dissolving legitimacy of the judiciary with congress denying an icon of the Supreme Court her dying wish, paying $20,000 a year for Zoom classes, trying to figure out what to do with my life if I manage to graduate this year, failing to keep up with people I care about when I haven’t seen them in seven months, an attack on the postal service of all things, and the coronavirus, which has killed 200,000 Americans while being politicized, resulting in countless more deaths than necessary, while also extending the amount of time we spend with our lives in upheaval, there’s basically nothing else going on."

U

Managing Editor

C San Diego Freshman Ruby Stone has recently discovered her cystic acne spells out “You Are Beautiful Just The Way You Are” in Braille. “I first realized I had bad skin in middle school," said Stone in an interview.

“Bullies have called me ‘lumpy face’ or said things like, ‘Ruby can commit any crime she wants! If she goes to jail, she’ll just break out.’ And I know it — you can use a napkin and dab the grease of my skin like a skinny bitch does with shitty pizza. But because of this message, I have finally learned to love my body — greasy puss bumps and all!”

Stone has reportedly been dating Ronald Funke, a blind man, for several months.

Last weekend, Funke made the discovery of the braille message. “Because of my engorged red pores, I have only felt comfortable dating blind people … I guess it’s more like only blind people have been comfortable dating me,” said Stone. “Even with Ronald though, I was trying to avoid having him touch my face so he wouldn’t realize that I’m an oily gnarled monster. The other night, when we were together, I got careless and he felt my face.

What he discovered, though, was unbelievable.”

In addition to the message

discovered a message in Stone’s back acne, reading “Don’t Be Afraid to Follow Your Dreams.” Dr. Sanda Barchus from UC San Diego Health states that this phenomenon is actually more common than you might think. “When people say ‘listen to your body,’ they often mean it quite literally. There are several cases of very touching messages being spelled out in stretch marks or yellow stains on teeth. What people see as shameful parts of their appearance are actually beautiful messages from their body.”

Local man, Walter Jacobs, disagrees with Dr. Barchus’s stance. He states, “I’m no fancy-pants doctor, but I still know acne is a real boner killer. No matter how beautiful of a braille message those bumps left, I still think that girl should get rid of it.” Jacobs has reportedly also struggled with acne since the age of 13, but he claims that “It’s different.

I’m a guy.”

Stone claims she has learned a lot from this experience: “I have learned that dermatologists are scam artists. I’ve also realized there are a lot of things women should be insecure about: their weight, their height, their smell, their hair, their personality. But they should be proud of their acne!”

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Halloween This Year and Halloween When You Were Six 10. Everyone’s talking about Harry Potter 9. Everyone's wearing a mask 8. Your brother called you a “Halloweenie” and you started crying 7. Your mom let you carve your own pumpkin and it looks like shit 6. You spent five hours prepping for two hours outside 5. You got beat up by the middle schoolers 4. The pumpkin you actually want from the pumpkin patch is too heavy for your weak little arms to carry 3. You had to get your mom to approve your outfit before you could wear it 2. Strangers are terrifying 1. You didn't get any white chocolate Reese’s

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Area Man Screams “Eat the Rich” From His Maserati

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Compost Bin for Rotting School Newspapers That Nobody Reads Wins Award

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Malkie remarked, “Print media may be dead, but composting is very much alive.”

BY TOMMY JUNG PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Cist later stated, “I’m an everyman. I’m paying off my $200,000 car month by month just like everyone else.”

BY BRI ARCE

Design Editor

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idday Tuesday, a male student was heard reportedly screaming leftist slogans across the UCSD campus, including “eat the rich,” and “no war but the class war,” along with his Twitter handle. Some reported seeing the student drive past in a Maserati GranTurismo Convertible MC. A bystander exclaimed that “He was totally revving his engine, trying to get me to pay attention to him. And when I didn’t look, he played the audio of a car revving from his speakers on full blast so it’d be louder.”

This observation was cor-

roborated by many individuals who claimed to come into contact with the student.

The student in the Maserati was later identified from his Twitter handle @markcist as Mark Cist, a “famous” Youtuber. Fans of Cyst praised his bravery and compassion for speaking out in defense of the less fortunate. One fan shed tears in a video posted online saying, “He’s just so giving! I can’t believe he let everyone see him and his car like that and even shared his social media. What a gift to give to random people on the street.

Such a precious soul. And his message is so wholesome. It really motivated me to post more on Twitter about these

important issues.”

Cist’s social media revealed similar behavior to his disruptive actions last Tuesday. Recent tweets include (emojis omitted): “Big pharma amirite?” “Ugh these protests would be fine but can’t they be peaceful?!?!?!” and “Link to my new merch in my bio, brought down my prices from $99.99 a shirt to $95.99 because i even love my poor fans.”

Student activist Fred Angles expressed his dismay: “Now I’m not one to talk bad about others, but Cist is willing to do anything to get followers. He joins movements when they’re popular and does outrageous things for

support from those communities, all while living in a multimillion-dollar house with a 10-car garage and no word toward any productive legislation, no donations to any campaigns or organizations he ‘supports,’ and a total lack of social media based support for social activ-” The rest of Angle’s statement was unable to be heard as he was engulfed by the impassioned mob of Cist’s fans.

Cist could not be reached for comment, with his publicist saying “Mark is hard at work. It’s tough making a seven-minute vlog every six weeks, you wouldn’t understand. Liberate the working class.”

BRIEF JERKY ANTIFA REPORTED IN LARNED, KANSAS On the 19th of September locals of the small town of Larned, Kansas reported a mysterious stranger in a fedora and blazer wandering down town square. James Diggs, a resident of Larned, reported, “There was a strange fellow roaming around Main Street. Didn’t talk to anybody, but he was making some ladies nervous.”

Some townspeople claimed that the man was a member of Antifa. Emily Garson, a waitress at Darnhuckby’s Grill n’ Fill, said, “That guy in town is Antifa, I saw him on the news for being arrested for rioting in Baltimore. He stuck a guy with a knife.”

Across the street at the Oily Pig, a local dive bar, patrons explained in more detail. Oily Pig regular Rudy Torres said, “I saw the guy talking on the phone with someone, about making a big deal, moving trucks full of people, talking about over-turning the local election.” When questioned about who the conversation was with, bar owner Randy Hught bellowed, “Soros.”

The mysterious stranger in town refused to comment on the situation before drifting slowly down the street.

The interview was ended by a teenager throwing a rock at the stranger, yelling, “Homo!”

This assault knocked the hat off the stranger, and the balloon underneath it floated into the air and disappeared into the stratosphere.

CHRISTIAN MAN AUTOMOBILE LOCAL GRADUATE ONCE AGAIN ASSERTS MANUFACTURERS SURPRISED HIGH "JUDEO"-CHRISTIAN TEAM UP TO MAKE SCHOOL CLASSMATE VALUES “CAR POWER PLANTS” ISN’T INVOLVED IN PYRAMID SCHEME In an attempt to assert Following Governor Gavin

his faith during a discussion about the “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” debate, local Christian Steven Gilmour pointed to the destruction of “Judeo-Christian values.” Gilmour was quickly corrected by his peers, who informed him that Jewish people do not, in fact, celebrate Christmas. When the conversation moved on to abortion, Gilmour learned many Jewish people do not actually share his pro-life beliefs, which he had long held as a central aspect of Abrahamic religious tradition. “I had no idea Jewish people didn’t share my opinions,” Gilmour claimed. “I just assumed since we believe in the same god, we must have the same ethical system.”

He was also stunned to learn that some practicing Jews actually still eat kosher and observe the Sabbath. “I was always told those Old Testament beliefs were backwards and obsolete. Doesn’t it say a man shouldn’t lie with a woman?” he reiterated, pointing to his well worn Bible and notes made on a sermon given to him by the one person in his church who had studied it in the original Hebrew.

Gilmour reached his breaking point when confronted with the Jewish New Year, or Rosh Hashanah.

“Wait, what do you mean it's 5781? It's 2020! We changed it to ‘common era,’ isn’t that good enough for the PC police? I mean, we live in a Christian country! I guess so long as they’re not Muslim, it’s fine.”

Newsom’s proposed 2035 ban on the sale of gas-powered cars in California, several automobile companies have begun work on new car-powered power plants.

According to an insider source, Ford, Chevy, Ram, and other American car manufacturers have announced their designs for a new, unprecedented power plant.

Such plants will supposedly involve the companies’ topof-the line gas vehicles driving in giant hamster wheels, generating electricity for local homes and businesses. Other designs feature Ford F150s and Chevy Silverados having turbines attached to their wheels, engines converted to boilers, and other questionable modifications for the sake of generating power.

When questioned, Ford CEO Jim Hackett confirmed the described plans: “Newsom’s declaration has come as a shock to us all. With this legislation on the horizon, we’re worried that other states may follow suit in banning our hardy, red-blooded, American-made vehicles.

Here at Ford, we’re focused on sustainability — specifically, sustaining our profits in the face of our cars potentially becoming obsolete. That’s why we’ve designed this, er, ‘alternative’ energy power plant! Everyone loves alternative energy sources, right?”

The new power plants are projected to be implemented toward the end of 2022.

In what has been described as “quite pleasant surprise,” UC San Diego graduate Kendrick Nolan revealed that he had a completely normal conversation with one of his former high school classmates. “It’s been years since I’ve seen Vanessa,” Nolan revealed, “So when I saw that she had messaged me out of the blue, I was fairly hesitant.

Every time an old acquaintance has messaged me like that, they’ve tried to sell me something from some crappy fake skincare or hair company. But this time was a rare exception.” Nolan told reporters that his conversation with his former high school classmate was quite pleasant, and he enjoyed reminiscing on the past for a moment. “Turns out that she had seen my post about starting a new job, and her boyfriend works in that industry, so she just wanted to see how I had been doing and wished me luck!” Nolan stated confidently. “I’m really glad that I got to talk to her, but I’m even more glad that now I’ll be able to get back to forgetting that high school ever existed.”

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Staff Writer

ast Wednesday, two UCSD undergraduate students were awarded the American Climate Award for their research project “Yellowed Pages.” The project, according to research co-lead Jeffery Graham, is a student-based initiative that seeks to eliminate decaying, yellowed school newspapers that "nobody has bothered to read in the last 17 years” “I’m used to the putrid scent of Eucalyptus trees after the occasional rain,” said Graham. “However, last year, I noticed that there was a new smell. It was stronger. Piles upon piles of wet newspapers that were distributed nearly two months ago. For the three years I’ve been here, school publications have distributed physical copies of their newspapers in those racks, like the ones you see around Center Hall. The newspapers would sit for months at a time until the custodial staff would begrudgingly be forced to clean up the mess.”

“I originally wanted to use the newspaper as fuel for campfires down at the beach, you know, to keep homeless people warm,” explained research co-lead Sarah Malkie.

“But we got strong communi-

ty backlash from the residents living close to the beach. We even got a few death threats.

Now, the Yellowed Pages is a thriving community compost program. The research team began cultivating vegetables such as turnip, beets, and radish with the compost.”

“It’s terribly inefficient”, continued Graham, “but these campus newspapers just won’t stop printing physical newspapers. I don’t think anybody told them that nobody reads them.”

“We liked this project because of its symbolism,” claimed one of the judges from the American Climate Summit, who wished to be anonymous. “There’s something beautiful about taking something that nobody wants and turning it into something almost nobody wants. Also, nobody really recycles; any project that’s marginally better than dumping recyclables in landfill deserves an award.”

Graham and Sarah are planning to expand the Yellowed Pages to include campus posters that nobody bothers taking down, useless coupon books handed out on Library Walk, and paper straws. “We feel good about what we’re doing”, the duo stated. “At this rate, UC San Diego might even consider recycling.”

TOP TEN

“Retro” Items They’ll Bring Back in 2070 10. Polaroid cameras, for the fifth time 9. Movies where girls become friends with horses 8. Vaccines 7. Character-driven plots 6. Snow 5. Apple bottom jeans 4. Planned obsolescence 3. iCarly 2. Devices that you put into your pocket, like cellular phones 1. Print media

They told us we have a great personality

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Mask

September 30, 2020

What You Did During Your Hot Girl Summer

Tan :0

e! g Cut

Feelin

Whether you’re a hot girl, hot boy, or a hot person, we can all agree the record breaking heat wave over the summer was something we’re still recovering from. It was going to be a summer to remember, but it turned into one you’ll never forget.

But in case you do, here’s what you were up to over the last three months, or Baking :P

seven years, or however long this has been. At least you got through it! We think. Date nig ht ;)

Where You Went

What Happened

Tinder

ded, deleted, (deleted, redownloaas a joke, redownloaded ke, cried, deleted) profile made not a jo

The inside of your car to get away from your family An enlightened state of mind

ed Snatch am my dre hip <3 interns

Though tI had CO VID :0 Reserved 17 he tick ets at t ally R Tulsa Trump

where you realized hell truly is other people

ter COVID Testing Cen

Shaved my head Did not shave my legs...

Lost my dream internship :’( reWatched Avatar: The Last Airbender

Clothing

Thought I had COVID :P

A shirt you wore three weeks in a row

Killed m y sourd ough starter just to feel some c ontrol over the wo rld

all Memorized o WAP the words t

A sweater you impulse-bought in the middle of summer for some reason Socks, just socks

Cold Girl Winter Plans An emergency bottle of cologne for when the mailman comes

• Finally wearing • Civil War 2? those sweaters • Nuclear winter <3 you impulse• Finally read that bought! book you’ve been • Write a letter to putting off all Santa questioning summer. how he’s adapted All Fall Quarter. to worsening Wait. climate conditions