The MQ Volume 27 Issue 3

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

December 9, 2020

“The only thing more essential than dining at The French Laundry during a pandemic is doing it on the taxpayer’s dime.”

- Gavin Newsom, Governor of California

Volume XXVII Issue III

Full of Christmas fear

The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

IN THIS ISSUE GIBBS FREE ENERGY NOW $10

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DR. FAUCI FORCEFULLY DISTRIBUTES VACCINES

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HALLMARQ MOVIES

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HOW I WENT FROM LEXA-AMATEUR TO LEXAPRO US DEBT MYSTERIOUSLY DISCOVERED AGAIN

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NEWS IN BRIEF SPOTIFY WRAPPED NOW INCLUDES THEFT OF WAGES STAT The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.

BY MATTHEW MILTIMORE

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Staff Writer

ast Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” was convicted on one count of conspiracy to commit grumpy behavior by a jury of his fellow Whos. The crime represents his third mark under Whoville’s “Three Strikes” law, meaning the Grinch’s prison sentence grew three sizes that day.

The Grinch was arrested in November following a raid on his cave-dwelling at the tippity top of snowy Mount Crumpit. A raid in which the Whoville Bureau of Inspectactualation found significant evidence that the Grinch was planning to attempt another heist on Christmas Eve. “Oh yeah, you should have seen what we seized up there,”

remarks Inspector Whopert, Director of the WBI. “He had three utterly-sputters parked in his garage, a super-zooperflooper-do in his basement, and one severely modified skeegle-mobile. Not to mention the strange one-antlered reindeer we found chewing on loose glass.” The Grinch was then promptly arrested for conspiracy to commit grumpy behavior, a crime made a felony in nineteenninety-who during Whoville’s War on Grump.

The crime is not the Grinch’s first foray into grumpy behavior. In fact, the Grinch was first arrested following his 1966 attempt to steal Christmas, a crime which was produced by Chuck Jones and narrated by Boris Karloff. While the Grinch ultimately decided to return all the stolen goods and share

roast beast with the denizens of Whoville, he was nonetheless arrested and found guilty of robbery. The Grinch’s second crime was the 2018 reboot of his original robbery. The jury found that “just the whole thing was a crime,” although they did admit the soundtrack was compelling. Because of these prior convictions and the 1994 Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, colloquially known as the “Three-strikes” law, the Grinch faces a distinctly harsh sentence: 45 years in the Whoville Federal Penitentiary where he will be paid two Who-dollars an hour to process beef patties for McDonald’s.

Some Whos, including the Grinch’s Lawyer, LaRue McWho, claim his imprisonment is “a gross injustice of whovallian proportions.”

McWho admonished the

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA ruling, saying, “The Grinch’s recidivism represents a failure not on his part, but on Whoville itself. Upon his last release from prison, the Whoville Parole Board did little to help him access stable housing, employment, or the medication necessary to treat his massively enlarged heart.” Other Whos, like Dr. Hoovey, are celebrating the Grinch’s imprisonment. “I can now rest easy knowing that monster isn’t going to sneak into my house through my bendy chimney and steal all my weirdly-named crap,” Hoovey admitted.

There exists little redress for the Grinch and he will likely stay in prison for the full length of his sentence — that is unless Illumination thinks Cumberbatch deserves a sequel.

Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away

In a new twist to the annual Spotify Wrapped statistics given to listeners on the platform, Spotify has added a “Theft of Wages” stat. Spotify Wrapped is a compilation of statistics that Spotify users can use to understand the amount of hours someone listened to specific artists and the genres of music they explored. Daniel Ek, CEO of Spotify, commented on the new addition, saying, “We here at Spotify noticed that listeners were posting proudly about how much they had listened to a specific artist or genre of music. Seeing that, we realized that these people had no

idea how much they were screwing over their favorite artists. We pay a half or a third of a cent per stream of a song. Artists on our platform earn essentially nothing per stream and even after being streamed a million times, will end up with a measly $3,000 plus some change. We really wanted to rub in how much we just abuse our artists.” Spotify’s Wrapped has officially released a concept for the new statistic with the template, “You have listened to (artist) for (#) hours, they have received a measly (revenue) for your lack of true support. Thanks!

-Spotify.”

MCDONALD’S TO SERVE CARBONATED EGGNOG In an unexpected move that both horrified and confused consumers nationwide, McDonald’s has announced that they will be serving carbonated eggnog for the duration of the holiday season. The limited-time item will be sold in 16, 24, and 36oz sizes, and can be served hot or cold. Unique to the drink, McDonald’s has also announced that customers will be able to control the level of carbonation in their drink, ranging from “champagne bubbles” to “a hot spring in Yellowstone.”

“Eggnog is a classic holiday drink, and at McDonald’s, we’re all about the holiday spirit,” a McDonald’s

spokesperson said. “As such, we decided to add a CO2inspired twist to that classic drink, and we can’t wait to see what people think!”

The new beverage has been described by tastetesters as having the fizziness of soda, the thickness of eggnog, and the taste of both. The main adjective used by control groups was “drinkable,” though many could reportedly not finish the drink, and went into a state of shock. McDonald’s interpreted this positively, claiming that the drink was so good, “people had to take a breather, and cry tears of joy.”

SCIENTISTS PROVE YOU SHOULD BUY A GEMINI A GOOSE SWEATER PHOTO BY JACK YANG “The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.

BY JACOB KING

Staff Writer n the wake of COVID-19 regulations, many single people have complained that the lack of meet-up spots has severely impacted their “game.” As venues like bars and gyms have been closed for months and more people have

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reached the stage where they are contemplating signing up for a third dating app, San Diego resident Robert Patola has been wondering how he could attract potential partners.

“Normal, sane actions during the pandemic, like wearing masks and avoiding high-population areas are the opposite

LOCAL EMPLOYEE CANNED FROM WORK Reportedly showed way too much skin

of what single people do to get some,” said Patola. “But in the midst of these problems, I’ve found the best solution possible: using an entire bottle of $150 cologne every week!”

“I really think it’s great for a variety of reasons,” continued Patola. “First, it’s a great conversation starter. I walk

into a room and all the girls go, ‘Hey, what’s that smell?’

And the answer is me! I’m that smell.” Patola claimed that he has been trying this method every day since the lockdown restrictions have ended, going to open businesses such

See Cologne page 2

IT’S NOT DELIVERY It’s an abomination

New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s quality of life would improve by 420 percent if they buy their Gemini friend a goose sweater. The academic publication said specifically to buy the light blue goose sweater from koriamerica.com size XL. Even more shockingly, the researchers specified further saying to get the full benefits, you must give the goose sweater to your Gemini friend only if they are 5’11”, blonde, queer, studying writing, and is nicknamed after legumes.

Sociologists have scoured the world to find a person who fits this incredibly specific description and found that only MQ Managing Editor Megan “Beans” Cox

from San Diego, California fits all these requirements.

Cox stated: “This research completely caught me by surprise. It is such a strange coincidence, because I actually quite love geese and look really sexy in oversize sweaters. How strange.”

Another research paper from I’m Actually Not Joking University said that one will also experience a jump in your quality of life if you give “Mama Chia Blackberry” Chia Seed Power Pouches, an HBO Euphoria Soundtrack Vinyl, and an edible, chocolate-covered fruit arrangement to a person of the same description. The most benefits, however, will be recieved when buying and giving the goose sweater.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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December 9, 2020

White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office

Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.

BY ROBERT RENFRO

Staff Writer ccording to reports from several anonymous sources within the White House, the Trump administration has gone even further than many had previously thought possible and taken the unprecedented step of placing a whoopee cushion in preparation for the Biden administration’s arrival.

Previous presidential transitions never involved any pranks, with the possible exception of James Buchanan’s alleged placing of a “Kick Me” sign on Abraham Lincon’s back, although some historians dispute this. One such doubter is presidential historian, Blago Treloar. Treloar reportedly argues, “The story of Bu-

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chanan is likely apocryphal.

The earliest known source reporting such a tale is a Quora post from 2019.”

“No, this is unlike anything that’s ever happened at the White House. Not only has the current administration denied intelligence information to the forthcoming presidential administration, but, almost just as crucially, they’ve also not informed them where the whoopee cushion even is. This means someone, possibly even the President or Vice President, is going to sit down in the oval office, probably for something important, and — this is the key step — will cause the whoopee cushion to expel air, imitating flatulence, and thereby embarrassing the target. No transition has ever

faced such a drastic attack on its legitimacy immediately going in.”

The Trump administration reportedly denied the allegation and fired back with the following response: “Why would we place a whoopee cushion when our court cases are going so well? Think about it: there are two possibilities for what happened during the election. One: There is a massive election-rigging apparatus run by the Democrats that exists in several states, even ones with mostly Republican elected officials, which waited until Trump was already president to spring into action and go to work completely undetected. Or, there’s the other possibility, which is that we lost the elec-

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Cologne

as grocery stores, pharmacies, and ICUs, to see if his cologne attracts attention.

One Starbucks barista who wished to remain anonymous isn’t too happy with Patola’s experiment. “He comes in every day and orders the cheapest thing on the menu and then pretends to drop his wallet.

He then pushes his armpit up against the little opening in the plastic screen and looks at me until I give him a reaction. God, I wish he would stay another six feet away.” These sentiments have been echoed by many retail workers that Patola has come into contact with. A total of 56 women have reported being disgusted by the smell of the cologne. When presented with those figures, Patola expressed excitement and gratitude.

The question of where Patola gets his mysterious cologne is no longer a mystery. After some investigation, it was discovered that the cologne he was buying is not from a large manufacturer, but instead, his neighbor Irene Greene. “Yeah, I sell him that

stuff,” said Greene. “I just mix half a febreeze bottle and rat poison into a cologne bottle and call it a day.” When asked why she started selling the cologne, Greene said “At the start of this year, my 13 yearold daughter told me that some guy that smelt bad was harassing her at the mall. I didn’t realize it was Robert until he asked me to sniff armpit to see if it ‘gave me the women’s equivalent of a boner.’

That’s when I knew I had to get him back somehow.”

This simple formula does deliver on some of its promises, though. In the last few days, all those who have encountered Patola have said they could smell him from distances much larger than 6ft. The smell also lasted longer than most colognes, giving up to 48-hours of a “crisp, chemically sweet smell,” even after multiple showers. When asked if she had any regrets selling such a strong substance, Greene said, “In the short term, it may have some negative effects, but I think I’m using the rat poison for exactly its intended purpose.”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA tion the normal way. In our view, there’s no way the second one happened, so we’ve pretty much got it in the bag with this one, or I guess you could say we’ve got it in the cushion. Anyway, bag closed, er, cushion closed. Um. Case!

Case closed.”

A divided nation looks on in surprise. As one voter reportedly put it, “I’ve never seen anything like it, you’re telling me that there’s a little bag of air that you sit on, and it sounds like you farted?

That’s amazing. It’s incredible how far technology has come. Oh yeah, the whole political situation seems pretty messed up too, but I’m definitely not paying attention to that until like three and a half years from now.”

UCSD’s purr-miere catire organization

THE MQ

Editor-in-Chief..................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.........................Megan Cox Managing Editor......................Andrew Sitko Content Editor..................Aniela Drumonde Niche Content Editor...........Dexter Hamilton Design Editor...................................Bri Arce Design Editor...........................Miranda May Design Editor...........................Natalia Nenn Graphics Editor............................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor................................Jack Yang

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org Social/Publicity Chair..........Hanaa Moosavi Copy Editor..........................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez Web Editor....................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant..........Kaz Nuckowski MQ Uncle’s Roommate........Dan Kaliblotzky Muir Ambassador...................Gage Tanzman Muir Advisor....................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

Now a major motion picture!

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Hey y’all! The holiday season is upon us! Though given the state of the world, having holiday cheer has proven quite difficult. Despite this, I’m hopeful for the year ahead, and I’m extremely proud of everyone who’s come to meetings and productions to help us out! Trying to produce The MQ in an online only format has been quite difficult, but it’s been the highlight of my quarter to have y’all as a team! On a sadder note, we’re saying goodbye to Megan Cox after this quarter ends. Though you may be leaving UCSD, you’ll still be a managing editor in our hearts. We’ll miss you, and best of luck in the future!

- Stephen

Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Melina Cruz Rani Das Maria Dhilla Max Fine

Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jacob King Jina Lee Isabelle Mckelvey

Seth McLaughlin Matthew Miltimore Keshav Mittal Chester Ni Tomoka Ozaki Avaneesh Pentaparthy Sophie Pubb Robert Renfro

Pilan Scruggs Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Varsha Varkhedi Benjamin Velasco

Booster Club This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead use this section to explore potential latke toppings. By this point we all know sour cream and applesauce be hittin’. But considering latkes are truly just fancy fried potatoes, they can also have any other potato toppings such as ketchup, hashbrown seasoning, fry sauce, gogurt, pico de gallo, and butterscotch pudding.

The options are limitless and society must evolve to incorporate broader latke topping options. Our DNA has been locked in place by our refusal to accept the responsibility placed by our forebearers. The right latke could potentially unlock our genome to make us run faster, jump higher or even process data at computer speeds. Long live the latke.

theMQ.org

December 9, 2020

President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”

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Christmas Cancelled After Unmitigated Spread of COVID-19 in Santa’s Workshop

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Santa was heard saying, “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Coughy, on Wheezy! On Comet, and Cupid, Fatigue, and Diseasey!”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Distribution Lieutenant resident Trump has declared a new “political nemesis” — the White House ravens. Following his apparent distress over the official outcome of the presidential election, concerned aides revealed that Trump has filed two suits: a fraud case and a harassment case.

The first frames the ravens’ allegedly unnatural caws as contributing to his political defeat, and the next cites the crows themselves adding insult to injury.

According to one of Trump’s personal assistants, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of legal action by Mr. Trump, and will be referred to as Sharon Hugabee Sanders: “When he learned that the Supreme Court threw out his Pennsylvania case, he became very agitated. Two minutes later, after sending 15 tweets, he requested that the White House legal team look into suing the ravens. At first we

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thought he meant the football team? But then during meetings he would mutter about a witch hunt while glaring out the window at the lawn, and when we ruled out Halloween decorations, we started to realize he meant the birds.”

According to one Cabinet member, the President is adamant that the birds “rigged” the election in Biden’s favor, which is why they repeat the word “Nevermore” each time they come to knock at his chamber door. “At this point, we are just fabricating evidence of ravens fitted with cameras planted as a Biden campaign tactic to conduct surveillance. Somehow the legal team is framing that as election fraud, but no one can explain to me how the logic holds,” the cabinet member said. In an official White House press release on the matter, the Executive Office cited new anti-homeless spikes on Presidential garden benches as an installation well worth the investment

for its value in deterring the unwanted avian presence.

Regardless of its legal validity, the movement has reportedly caught on across social media platforms. Despite Twitter’s best efforts to flag posts about the lawsuits, the hashtag #DirtyBirds is trending nationwide, alongside #BleakDecember in criticism of the electoral college as a “covid conspiracy.” Reactionary tags have also emerged.

Liberal Supreme Court activists have reportedly coined #MidnightAppointmentsDreary in continued protest of the Barrett confirmation, while #MerelyThisAndNothingMore has circulated among those with confidence that constitutional checks and balances will preserve the peaceful transition.

Sanders suspects that the President’s most recent legal “tantrum” and accusations of being harassed by birds of omen are probably the result of his grief over losing the election. “This is his first

ever genuine loss. I mean, he’s a silver spoon trust fund kid who has never known true failure. He wants to tear the system down with him in his distress, like a flailing crab.” Insider reports from Pennsylvania reveal that this may be a diversionary tactic to draw attention away from discussions of influencing the Republican-controlled Pennsylvania legislature to appoint an alternate set of electors. “The voting isn’t even really final until mid-December when the electors cast their votes,” Sanders commented. “As if this year wasn’t enough of a mess, anything can happen between now and then.”

In the meantime, UCSD campus Republicans have reportedly continued to organize #DirtyBirds protests on campus, but most students arrived with signs criticising the new Price Center wings restaurant, claiming the “Fall of the House of Rubios.”

Gibbs Free Energy Now Costs 10 Dollars

BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

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Editor-in-Chief

s the end of the year draws near, the hopes of children across the world for a normal holiday season have once again been dashed.

This Monday, Kris Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, announced that Christmas was cancelled due to an outbreak of COVID-19 amongst the elven workshops.

“I don’t take this decision lightly, but the fight against COVID-19 has become unmanageable,” Kringle began.

“We had to cut an entire production line dedicated to the PS5 and Xbox Series X to make face masks for our workers, and even then, we couldn’t stop this deadly disease. Heck, we even tried to use Rudolph’s red nose as a disinfecting light, but all it did was cause eyestrain. It is with a heavy heart, and lessthan-jolly disposition, that I’m announcing that I won’t be able to perform my usual holiday rounds this year, for the sake of myself, my wife, and my workers. Plus, the elves are hundreds of years old, so the ones that are still alive are super high-risk.”

The decision was met with anguish from many across the globe. “This year has already been such a shitshow,” an anonymous parent declared, consoling their daughter as she screamed for the fifth straight hour. “I was praying to God that we’d be able to catch a break, and that for once, I’d be able to see genuine happiness in the eyes of my daughter, but instead, I had to tell her that Christmas was canceled.

Then she started going on and on about how it was her fault Christmas was canceled because she didn’t floss every

day, and she’s been like this ever since.”

However, others responded with anger, blaming Kringle for his previous disregard for workplace safety. The President of INTERPOL, Karl Meisterberger, released a statement shortly after Kringle’s announcement, stating that while he “appreciated the caution being taken by the North Pole,” it was too little, too late. “One might remember that back in 2015, Mr. Kringle got into trouble after an INTERPOL investigatory unit unveiled hellish working conditions at his workshop, including 14 hour days in uncomfortable uniforms with minimal breaks, an insistence on manual labor instead of machine labor, and a continuous loop of Lou Monte’s ‘Dominick the Donkey’ played via loudspeaker at all times. While I can’t comment on whether or not those conditions still exist in Mr. Kringle’s workshop, the fact of the matter is that Christmas may have been saved if Mr. Kringle responded with proper COVID-19 precautions early on in this pandemic. Improving his sweatshop-like conditions also probably would have helped too.”

Regardless of Kringle’s previous action or inaction, production on toys has ground to a halt in the North Pole. The latest figures out of Santa’s Workshop, where production was already down 30 percent, show only isolated pockets of elves tinkering away out of boredom. Sales of items related to Kringle’s arrival, such as cookies, milk, and carrots for his reindeer, have also plummeted. The saddest sight of all, however, was Santa pouring himself a tall glass of eggnog and brandy, slowly sighing, “I guess nobody will see me kissing any mommies this year.”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH The protesting molecules claimed, “Y’all are gonna be real sorry once we go on strike and cause the heat death of the universe.”

BY SHARON ROTH

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Graphics Editor

ith the growing disarray of the energy market, many low-income molecules are finding that the cost of reacting is becoming more and more unaffordable.

After being appointed head of the Energy Commission, PG5, the largest stable synthetic molecule ever made, announced that the price of Gibbs Free Energy would be increasing to $10 to prevent greedy atoms from stealing others’ electrons. PG5 released a statement criticizing molecules that could not react after the Gibbs Free Energy price increase, stating “if we could overcome this energetic barrier, so can you. We cannot tolerate lazy molecules like this, who are greedily taking advantage of the system.” It later came out that PG5 reportedly received

help from world-class scientists, who originally helped them synthesize.

PG5, which is known among dissenters as “Big Molecule,” has been demonized in the molecule community.

Widespread protests broke out after PG5 said that molecules whose synthesis was deemed “unfavorable” ought not to form in the first place. Sodium acetate, an outspoken activist, shared its family’s story in a touching blog post: “You might know my parents as Baking Soda and Vinegar. Their first meeting at a children’s science fair was the stuff of legends.

However, my production being an endothermic process, you might not know how long they saved up the energy to have me. If PG5’s harmful rules were in place, I might never have been born.”

The change in Gibbs Free Energy was seen as unfavorable, as many molecules

accustomed to being in equilibrium were reportedly thrown out of balance. Ammonia, an inorganic molecule, reportedly had to save up to react for months. “I was just nitrogen and hydrogen gas for so long,” said Ammonia, “I wish people knew how unstable molecules can be before they save up enough to react.”

Also following this change, atoms can no longer afford to act spontaneously and are forced to plan in advance if they want to bond with others. Carbon, an element that used to enjoy bonding with its friends Hydrogen, Nitrogen, and Oxygen, reported severing those bonds and isolating itself after the news. Carbon told reporters, “My orbitals feel so unfulfilled, now that I can’t share electrons with anyone. I’m getting blue bosons over here, I’m that lonely.”

Ammonia and Carbon aren’t the only particles

disappointed by the Energy Commission’s announcement.

Sodium acetate reportedly started an activist group, made up of a mixture of many types of molecules, called “We Are The Solution.”

A recent recruit to the group told reporters they joined because they thought that “it’s so unfair that Big Molecule profits off our backs. It’s just not mole-cool.”

We Are The Solution organized the biggest anti-PG5 protest, which took place last Saturday. Fluorine, who was reportedly detained after the protest, justified its actions with the statement, “The universe tends toward disorder, so it shouldn’t be a problem for us to accelerate the process. If Big Molecule really cared, they’d redistribute the means of producing molecules so we could all profit.”

Similarities Between Christmas Dinner and the 2020 Elections 10. You didn’t sleep the night before 9. The TV is showing the same stuff for an entire week 8. Your right to exist will inevitably be up for discussion 7. The AARP mentioned it in their newsletter 6. People in Georgia get TURNT 5. Somehow, seasonal depression makes this even worse than it should be 4. There’s an assortment of white guys, but Jesus isn’t one of them 3. They’re both derived from pagan tradition 2. You get a chance to listen to extremely old people say some weird stuff 1. The coal industry is as strong as ever

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theMQ.org

Mall Santa “a Little Too Eager” To Let Kid Sit On His Lap

December 9, 2020

Election Results Uncertain, US to be Returned to the United Kingdom

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Paul Revere forgot to bring the mini sandwiches to the Boston Tea Party.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

Jones reportedly signed a non-disclosure agreement with a statute of limitations claus.

BY MEGAN COX

Managing Editor

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ublic suspicion has been rising surrounding Heritage Plaza Mall Santa Carl Jones, who is reportedly encouraging children to sit on his lap despite COVID-19 restrictions.

Mall Property Manager Fred Carroll said Carl Jones was hired to play Santa Claus at Heritage Mall due to his “unmatched enthusiasm” and extensive resume. “I knew Carl was gonna be the best guy for this job,” said Carroll in a recent press statement, “He had more experience working with kids than any of our other applicants. He has been a Boy Scout troop leader

for the last seven years. Before that, he spent 13 volunteering with the youth group of his Catholic Church.”

In response to critics of having dozens of children sit on a stranger’s lap during a deadly pandemic, Jones is quick to remind people that COVID-19 is not by physical contact. “Coronavirus is not spread by contact!” said Jones.

“The CDC said it. It is factual.

Look it up. It is totally safe for these kids to sit on my lap. I just know these kids love sitting on my bouncing knee and whispering in my ear what they want for Christmas. It’s a very intimate moment that means a lot to us — them …

It means a lot to them. I can’t believe you want to take that

away from me.” After Jones made the statement, he stared off blankly into space for what witnesses called “an uncomfortable amount of time.”

Iris Evans, who plays Mrs. Claus at the Mall, claims she was always on edge around Jones. “I knew Carl was an odd duck since he pulled up to the interview in a white van with the windows blacked out. Since then he really hasn’t paid much interest to me, he’s one of those people who is just all about the kids. I thought it was just that natural grandparent instinct, but then he told me he didn’t have any kids. I have been cautious considering the state of the pandemic, but I took this job to really help safely spread

PHOTO BY JACK YANG some Christmas cheer during these tough times. Carl is just always insisting that we aren’t doing enough and that we need to interact with the kids more.”

Jones has even offered to extend his hours to be open past mall hours. He has offered starting a “VIP Santa Experience” where he has individual time with the visiting children to “privately discuss their Christmas wishes away from the judgmental eyes of their parents.”

Jones reportedly does not accept money for this position, saying “The Holiday Season is just all about me and the kids,” said Jones. “That’s why they call it ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’”

UC San Diego to Convert Lecture Halls to Outdoor Classrooms by Removing Ceilings

This is part of the university’s initiative to push students to reach for the stars.

BY QUOC TRAN Staff Writer

U

C San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced a bold plan Tuesday morning to remove the ceilings from all lecture halls on campus. The university hopes that this plan will allow the halls to qualify as an outdoor space under state guidelines in order to host in-person lectures for Winter 2021.

As COVID-19 cases have risen the past couple of months in the United States, colleges and universities across the country have moved to a fully online format going into 2021.

UC San Diego plans to do the opposite. “We had to be fully online while other universities got to do fun in-person stuff.

Now I want to do in-person stuff,” Khosla complained in a

video message embedded in a campus-wide email announcing the plan.

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, the university has been praised by some for taking innovative steps to slow and identify the spread of the virus through its community.

The university’s use of smartphone contact tracing, frequent testing, and wastewater detection has been lauded by public health experts. While controversial among the general public, many epidemiologists support the plan to resume in-person classes by removing ceilings.

One such epidemiologist is Dr. Andrea Douglas, a UC San Diego professor studying infectious disease modeling, who was named as the head of this project. Questions were raised about her qualifications but she silenced her

critics by stating “physicists and engineers have been trying to do my job for months posting graph after graph on Twitter modelling the spread of the pandemic, so I think it’s only fair that I get to do their job and figure out how to remove ceilings from lecture halls. I’ll probably use one of those machines with the big ball on a chain.”

Critics have raised concerns about how the lack of a ceiling would affect the student experience, especially as winter tends to be the region’s wettest season, with some areas on campus even having historically reported sightings of rain clouds, as well as the difficulty of replacing these ceilings after the pandemic had passed. Khosla reportedly shrugged off the questions, telling reporters at a press conference “if we can get back

T

Staff Writer

he British Parliament, responding to claims of election fraud within the United States presidential election, recently announced a campaign to regain control over the United States.

The plan includes “recovery of ‘the Thirteen Colonies’ as well as all other territories gained by the rebels following the insurrection.”

The spokesman for the Crown, Sir William Samuel Harrington, elaborated on the campaign in a recent press conference: “We are closely following the situation in the United States. We just can’t sit and watch as our chance to regain worldwide influence slips out of our hands, like democracy did from the Colonies.”

The plan to annex the United States was confirmed by the Royal Navy and Royal Air Force, who plan to work together with the Canadian Armed Forces to begin invasions “as soon as possible.” Canada, according to Harrington, will remain autonomous “due to the relatively stable political climate, and the fact that they asked nicely instead of pulling an insurrection like a certain other country we know.”

Parliament also outlined several benefits of the reintegration plan for the American population. “The main positive impact is expected to be the lack of any sort of elections,” said Harrington. “We’ll go back to the traditional system where the colonies never received any representation, thus eliminating any possibility of political

uncertainty or difficulties in counting votes.”

“We wanted to do our best to help the Americans stabilize the political situation,” said Lord Albert Worcester III, the appointed governor of the Fifty Colonies, “by making it impossible for them to affect the political situation in the first place. Worcester, while pouring tea from a thoroughly blackened kettle, continued, “They have made it pretty clear they can’t be trusted at this point.”

The White House responded to the announced plans with confusion. Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that the intentions of the British Crown are “disturbing,” however the current situation around the elections “makes it impossible to figure out a comprehensive response because it is unclear what we would be responding to.” The Pentagon announced that the US Armed Forces will try their best to defend from foreign invaders, but the outcome will largely depend on “who exactly wins the elections, as that affects [their] funding.” Both presidential candidates refused to comment on the situation.

In the meantime, the United Kingdom is issuing documents that outline the gradual process of American reintegration: plans to rename both the city and the state of Washington into “George III,” as well as intentions to reintroduce 18th century fashion “as a throwback to the good old days.” The cultural agenda involves banning the showing of the musical Hamilton as “revolutionary propaganda.”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH to in-person classes quickly enough, we won’t have to worry about this pandemic ever ending” and that they “should take a chill pill.”

Beyond the physical challenges of removing ceilings from lecture halls, the ceiling removal plan is expected to face legal challenges as well.

The University of California legal counsel cited the executive order passed by Governor Gavin Newsom in March that defined outdoor spaces — which were exempt from some stricter social distancing requirements put in place — as a space “without a ceiling or with grass on the floor.” However, upon hearing of the plan to exploit this legal loophole, Governor Newsom reportedly texted Khosla “that’s clearly not what i meant >:( .” Khosla reacted with only an iMessage thumbs up.

Give a man a FOOSH and he laughs for a day.

Teach a man to FOOSH and he will laugh for his whole life!!!

DM @fooshimprov on Instagram for more info!

theMQ.org

December 9, 2020

Florida Governor Passes “Frenchifying” Mandate to Boost European Tourism

Page 5

EDITORIAL

What the Fuck, Guys?

BY GEORGE WASHINGTON

Cursed Ghost ey everyone. It’s me.

George Washington. I’ve been haunting America since I died. Apparently, I can’t move on now because people are saying that I’m a “morally corrupt person” who “tried to erase Native American culture and forcefully took their land” and am “a massive hypocrite” because I “owned slaves” despite fighting a war based on “a person’s intrinsic freedom and the concept that all men are created equal.”

Whatever. That’s not why I’m here. No, I’m here because I wanted to say something.

Something important.

I told you so. I told you so!

I called it! Yes! I told you so I told you so I told you so I told you so!!

Whew. That felt so good to say. I admit, I have gotten a lot of things wrong. A lot. Okay, so letting only white men vote despite me knowing so many accomplished women? That’s on me. Using my slaves as a way to get real teeth for my dentures? My bad guys. Hindsight 20/20 and all that. I’m not even going to mention the clusterfuck that is the wording of the Second Amendment.

But political parties? You have to give me political parties. Not only was I right about

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PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

The water skier was reportedly heard saying, “Ouiiiii!”

BY GAGE TANZMAN Muir Ambassador

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any Florida residents are outraged by a new mandate passed by Governor Jean-Claude Bernard requiring all major cities to “frenchify” their names and change key aspects of the city in order to draw more French tourists. The order comes amidst the slow reopening of the world in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic. While much of Europe and the world to the East are seeing life return to normal, Florida, like many American states, is struggling to revive its tourism industry.

Residents all across the state have reportedly expressed dismay at the new order. Jonah Mann, from Orlandeux, previously Orlando,

protested the changes, saying “This doesn’t make any sense!

We’re supposed to call our sandwiches Croque Cubans now? This is crazy, even for me, and I’m a Florida Man!” Some cities, such as Miami, have embraced the new changes. The new “MonAmi” has gone so far as to rename some of its most key features. The Art Deco district has become L’art Décor, and Little Havana is now known as Petit Havanonhonhon.

Even Miami’s famed football team, the Miami Dolphins, have changed their name to Les Dalle-fin. Wide receiver Ryan DeMartin stated, “I looked it up, and that doesn’t even make sense. Dalle means ‘slab,’ and fin means ‘end.’ Like, what?”

The city formerly known as Jacksonville, on the other

hand, has not taken to the changes kindly. The city is now known as Jacksonc’est-la-ville, a personal favorite of Governor Bernard. “Parce-que, ‘ville’ en france sounds just like the word vie, non? C’est la ville!”

Even so, Jackson-c’est-laville residents refuse to acknowledge the change.

One man who wished to remain anonymous reportedly suggested he would take the governor “for a long walk down a short pier.” He was later arrested for his usage of the word pier, which now must be pronounced “Pierre.”

Full support for the mandate from Bernard is hardly unexpected. Over the course of his term as governor, Bernard has attempted to pass similar legislation a record six

times. The self- proclaimed “Francophile” celebrated the success of this most recent order with a televised speech, declaring, “Zut alors! This is a great victory, non? You say three times charm, I say ready sept go!”

The Floridian economy has yet to see any increased revenue. While many reportedly believe this is due to the ineffectiveness of the order, many others argue the lack of European tourism is due to the widespread mishandling of a deadly pandemic

by Americans. The truth is yet to be seen. Until then, Bernard has reportedly alluded to larger plans. “In the words of the younger generation, let us baguette this bread, non?”

Dr. Fauci Equips Arm-Mounted Syringe Cannon, Intends to Distribute Vaccines “Whether Americans Like It or Not”

An eyewitness was heard saying, “I’ve never vac-seen a sexier person.”

BY JACK YANG

Graphics Editor ast Thursday in Bethesda, Maryland, during the quiet hours before the morning traffic rush, the front doors of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases exploded in a shower of concrete and glass. According to some passers-by, an enraged Dr. Anthony Fauci emerged from the rubble, armed to the teeth with syringe belts and a massive chain gun.

Descending upon an “antivaxxer” protest in downtown Bethesda, Fauci gave his ultimatum: “I’m here to listen to my patients, and administer COVID vaccines ... but this time, I’m all out of patience.”

When booed, Fauci began throwing and firing syringes into the crowd, which rapidly took cover, save for an unlucky few struck in the first salvo.

Pausing from his frenzied onslaught, the NIAID Director

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confirmed the crowd’s suspicions. “Yes, I have replaced my flesh with a synthetic, bulletproof exoskeleton. Why do any of this? Well, frankly, once me and my team had determined the efficacy of the vaccine, we wanted to distribute before the inevitable resurgence of antivaxxers. I’m tired of civility politics, and tired of appeasing the doomsday preppers who think they’d be better off drinking bleach or eating Tide pods. You think you’ve seen a second wave? Wait until these protesters come back with their AR-15s.”

A few older Bethesdans, however, say there is more to the doctor’s outburst than meets the eye. “It’s a curse, young’un,” says Wilhelmina Gryla, a local resident. “Every bitter winter when I was but a kinter, my dear mama always told me: ‘Never leave your mouth open when you go out to fetch firewood

at night! If you do, the evil Doktor Faustche will steal your precious life!’”

Rocking back and forth beneath the ruined portico of a local manor, stroking her mask, Gryla offered her critical perspective on Dr. Fauci’s rampage. “I was a brazen lass, always singing aloud without my mask as I walked between our cottage, the village, and the pasture. My mother had told me of the demon doctor, of his terrible, towering figure, his twisted horns, his sensible horn-rimmed glasses.

But back then, I was unafraid.

So when the sun began to set I kept whistling my jaunty tunes, lugging my pail of milk as I skipped. Then, only thirty feet from our door, I saw him.

He rose out of the snow, eyes aglow, black as an oily crow.

I trembled, but stood my ground. I prepared to tell him: ‘I’m not afraid of you! You’re nothing but a fairy tale!’ Yet

PHOTO BY JACK YANG as I cleared my throat to utter those words, he descended upon me in a flash, his terrible claw stretched out toward me, to steal my everlasting soul!”

“I dropped my pail and began to run, but it was too late. Doktor Faustche had sunk his needle-like nails into my cheek, his shining eyes watching me with delight as my youth was siphoned from my body! In an instant, he had aged me thirty, maybe forty years! And now, here we are. This mask I wear in fear that the terrible Doktor will return to finish the job: of that, I have no doubt.”

Fauci, last seen in a standoff against the combined front of police, a local militia, and several time-traveling Fauci clones, declined to give further comment. Gryla was also nowhere to be found, her manor reduced to rubble and ash save a single N95 Respirator Mask.

it for this election — I’ve been right about it for almost every other election. I set a precedent against partisanship, I have been on record decrying partisanship, I am the only independent President to date, and I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. Please give me this. I was wrong about so many things I think I’m in hell and am being punished for everything I did in life.

Wait. Is this hell? Oh, God this is hell. I should’ve realized it earlier! Guns can’t be this good at killing people! 24-hour news cycles can’t exist! Almost half of America can’t have still voted for someone who put literal children in literal cages!

People can’t really vote based solely upon a party label while ignoring four years of catastrophes! This has to be hell, because if it isn’t then ... I have no earthly idea what’s going on anymore. I was born in 1732.

Germs hadn’t been invented yet. Sandwiches hadn’t been invented yet. Vaccines hadn’t been invented yet. God, vaccines! If I had been vaccinated as a child, I might not be sterile.

The invention and subsequent disparagement of vaccines is the number one reason why I’m sure this is my personal hell.

Okay, existential crisis aside, we should remember that I told you so. If “you” exist.

If I exist. Please, let me just not exist anymore. God, if you’re even out there, which I’m doubting more and more every single day, please end my suffering. If history is written by the victors, what does that make me? I’ve been buoyed by being right about partisanship, but it’s all downhill from here. I was right, though. We can’t forget that.

The MQ’s Nice List 1. The number 69 2. Our cool aunt Amy, who lets us drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade inside the house 3. Good stock Walmart photos 4. People who create Discords for classes 5. Bad bitches who know the difference between jam, jelly, and preserves 6. The cast of ’’Riverdale’’ 7. My dominatrix 8. The one uard who tells the truth when the other lies 9 . Elon Musk’s robot son who just wants to be a real boy 10. The warmth of human touch g

The MQ’s Guide to

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theMQ.org

December 9, 2020

Co

ntr a ov pla s th ersy e a h ys an act occu ea rr a or ou rt of ssho who ed l as t to g e o w sh ole be ju ld tu ith st rns in rea an l li fe!

Al mov l th i cain e w for l e, m con ead vinc i

s en ole g d er Hu th or a n ss ow oct e n d d Va ned the f r tu o

In the newest of holiday classics, already called “gross but in kind of a cute way” by critics, HallMarQ’s “Jingle Balls” details the love story between a famous soccer player who, due to his philandering ways, is contractually required to get a vasectomy before the year is up.

He meets and falls in love with the doctor performing his surgery and realizes that, even when he’s spiritually neutered, Christmas is still the same as it’s always been. The story is lifted by the repeated motif of non-alcoholic eggnog, where, at the impassioned climax, our main character claims that, with a little holiday cheer, Christmas can come more than once a year. Safely.

/5 r ca if s a e ag se up ! ad to ing nd M y w u of tr o ro s – bl ckg n ui eo em a ng cam t th he b e p a po n t e s i Th ake an oo m u c al z yo loc a

lead The sp ally actu ths in o m n sho k wor et m m i h rna e t in

America’s favorite security guard is back in an all-new holiday themed escapade! Join Paul Blart (Kevin James) on his biggest promotion yet – the Mall of America!

However, as the Christmas decorations start to come up, Paul Blart’s dream job takes a sinister turn. A marijuana smuggling operation has infiltrated the mall staff, and the Christmas decorations have all been filled to the brim with weed! It’s up to Paul Blart to avoid a second-hand high, catch the smugglers, and save Christmas before Santa eats everything at the Cinnabon!

From the smoke two heroes will emerge. Rogen and Franco star in the season newest Holiday Blockbuster! The film follows Steven Cheech, a part time Radio Shack employee who, as he partners up with William Reefer, a high school student who inexplicably passes his classes despite showing up to class blazed to become a crime avenging duo. Time will slow down, both for the characters and those in the audience, as you watch the pair lethargically track down Santa Claus, both noticing “it’s weird that everyone is suddenly okay with home invasion when it’s Santa.” This sets off a chain reaction which takes our leads to the North Pole in the effort to rid the world of Father Christmas.

Franco and Rogen bring the star power onto the screen portraying very realistic stoners. Unfortunately, the movie lacked any through plotlines, reading as one of Rogens’ stream of consciousness rather than a real screenplay.

/5

Dame Judi De prised her ro nch rele as “Horrific CGI ca t version of herself” wh en the two main chara cters start hallucinatin g!

/5

FACT: Paul Blart’s full last name is Blartholomew

Snacks to Eat W Little drumstick boy

Eggnog soup

Reindeer jerky

n

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o HallMarQ Movies December 9, 2020

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T ac he lo tua ve ac tre lly p inte s wa se lay res ac s ca s! T ed b t is tre yt st he w a s s un s die fter t eco o n de h d d cir r my horr e firs cu i t s fi ms teri cal ly tan ou ce s s!

he s n was ow in t h mak actually is i d ac ng it h coa to ingl rs to a rd ym ello ct w!

r acto ree t t h pen nta’s a S n lp o he nd t p o a t ! d ac tho he role t e z ali

-

wn ody cro tual o l b e h T c s had a of thorn blood, and human emembers r no one ought it! b who

Shocking, we know, but Rudolph’s red nose was actually just CGI!

The weather’s cooling down but Santa’s workshop is smoking HOT. This is a hot-hot-holiday classic reimagined that’s sure to jingle your bells. After a full holiday of giving gifts to the nice children, the movie opens to Santa taking the 26th off on a well-deserved break to visit all the girls on the naughty list, and he’s not gonna stop after just three ho’s. On this day after Christmas, 18+ girls across the world get a surprise down their chimney. No, that’s not a candy cane in his pocket, but yes, he is happy to see you. Not to be watched with children.

In this action-packed movie, with completely different characters than the first five plus new producers, down-to-earth Christopher leaves his yoga studio behind, embarking on a new chapter in his life and career when he finds out something shocking. Once a Twin Peaks native, he left it all behind to be with the love of his life, Tiffany.

But in an unforeseen detour back, he discovers love, family, and all the reasons he left Twin Peaks in the first place. This Christmas, we will see anguish, betrayal, and Christopher’s venture back to New Hampshire to beat the shit out of his uncle and reclaim the babe of his life. With a muddled plot and bad effects, this is sure to be a cult classic. Coming to theaters not regulating COVID safety December 29th.

/5

That one white guy that everyone knows from somewhere but whose name no one can ever remember is in this movie!

/5

From the deranged mind behind Cats, it’s the rock opera sequel 2000 years in the making! Three days after the crucifixion, Jesus rises from the dead, spreading fear through all of Golgotha. In “Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Judas Has a Gun,” it’s up to one man to stop this zombie apocalypse before it begins. Includes the hit song “This Jesus Must Die (reprise),” and the hauntingly beautiful “Happy Birthday to You.” Critics rave, loving the subversive tone, saying, “I guess it’s technically a Christmas movie?”

/5

While Watching

Silent nachos

Pumpkin spice latkes

Roast beast

Mistletofu

theMQ.org

Page 8

US Election Results to be Graded on a Curve Because Class Average is 50 Percent

December 9, 2020

EDITORIAL

How I Went From Lexa-Amateur to Lexapro

BY CLEO ARMSTRONG

Emotionally Numb Bad Bitch

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Drawing arbitrary lines was easy for the Republicans after all their practice gerrymandering.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

Staff Writer ue to the “uncertainty” in the results of the recent presidential elections, the United States Congress announced a radical decision to determine the results by applying a curve to the popular vote results due to the 50 percent average between the candidates. “We invited the best professors from Harvard, Carnegie Mellon, and PragerU to help us figure out this conundrum,” said government statistician Hillary Wright. “We believe that their academic and educational experience will definitely be helpful in determining the outcome of this election.”

The strategy will be implemented by the special

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committee on “Electing with Integrity.” As clarified

by Wright, the committee will develop a curving system that will be applied to the result of each candidate, thus helping to determine the winner. As a response, many political experts in the United States expressed their concern with such an approach to counting votes.

“This doesn’t make sense,” said Will Trenton, a statistician who maintains “The Counter,” a political blog-style Twitter page. “What they will end up doing is making the two leading candidates each have around 70 percent of the votes, which is literally impossible.

I don’t understand what they are trying to prove here.”

Wright, as well as many

other government officials, criticized the words of Trenton, claiming that the method “does not need to reflect the fact that there can’t be more than 100% in the sum of the candidates votes, just as the representation of the Senate does not need to reflect the will of the people” “After all, when has the popular vote ever mattered in the elections?” Wright tweeted in response to Trenton. “As the popular vote doesn’t matter, we can come up with any number to keep the average at 70 percent.”

As a response to the curve, statistics website FiveEightyThree developed a computer model to try to predict the winner of the elections using the curve. In

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH 97 out of 100 simulations, the winner was determined to be a member of the Gamer Party, which only got 0.2% of the popular vote. “We don’t really understand how this works, but if this is what the Congress wants, I don’t think we have a better choice, or really any choice at all,” said Trenton in his blog.

Congress also announced the plans to integrate the “Electing with Integrity” committee into the Electoral College and introduce a completely new election process: the voters would be required to use iClickers to cast their votes, while the candidates would be allowed to drop 3 states with the lowest amount of electoral votes they received.

Ancient Mayan Typo Found: Apocalypse Predicted for 2021

“It’s not the intern’s fault, he doesn’t get a lot of dates,” said a researcher.

BY MARIA DHILLA

S

Staff Writer

cholars studying and translating the ancient Mayan calendar have made a shocking discovery.

Though it has been longbelieved that the Mayan calendar ended in 2012, new research suggests that an unpaid intern mistyped the translation and the true end will occur sometime in 2021.

Around 300 BC, Mayan priests established a system called the Long Count in order to keep track of chronologies, measure long time spans, and remind others when their birthdays were.

According to previous research, this calendar was set to end on December 21, 2012, which led to a host of apocalyptic conspiracy theories that ultimately proved false. However, businessmen and religious figures are certain that the apocalypse will happen in the upcoming year, stating, “It isn’t the end of the world that we guessed- wait, no, that we predicted wrong before.”

Climate change deniers, flat-earthers, and coronavirus hoaxers alike have reportedly flocked to this prediction, choosing to follow the posts of an anonymous MySpace user going by the moniker “C.” C’s followers, known as CAnon, believe that Japanese camera company Canon Inc. is teaming up with Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, and “Weird Al” Yankovic to implement a camera surveillance network in order to dismantle the Internet, install 5G towers, and “assist alien assailants as the apocalypse arrives.”

C has made several posts claiming that “the Founding Fathers will gloriously burst out from under Mount Rushmore” in order to “battle against evil aliens” by harnessing “the Planar Power of the Galactic Interplanetary Black Hole Meteor Gyroscope Divine Alignment Convergence Beam!”

Followers plan on hosting a conspiracy convention on December 21 called “Maya-Con” in the hopes of appeasing whatever higher powers are in control. The

event planners will celebrate/ mourn Earth’s impending fate by including an “Artist’s Alley of Doom,” an audience-driven human sacrifice, a crafts table, an “Apocalyptic Bingo” game, a celebrity panel including C’s face reveal, and another crafts table. Tickets will be on sale for $2,021.12.

“I totally believe that timetravelling astronauts from the distant future visited the ancient Maya and gave them a Gregorian calendar year for the end of the world!” stated Annamae Bells, a future attendee. “It’s so cool that I’ll be able to meet up with other people that think the same way, unlike my sheeple parents who won’t even listen to my 3 hour explanation.

That convergence beam is totally going to either unify all beings into one ethereal harmonic element or begin every destructive apocalypse scenario known to man, but hey, we get two crafts tables!”

Famous failed businessman and Maya-Con organizer Ronald Bump gave his own predictions for the impending apocalypse in an interview. “As

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH soon as it hits 8:40 PM on December 21, 2021 in Australia, the sun’ll go down and the sky’s gonna get dark. Darker than an 8-ball. The mysterious sky-darkness will spread across the world from east to west, consuming all countries until it finally reaches America,” he stated. When asked how his prediction differed from the regular day-night cycle, Bump refused to answer.

Instead, he insisted that if people wanted more information, they should “pre-order [his] prophecy book, ‘Armageddon Codes and Signals: the End of Days and Universal Harmony,’ on sale for a limited-time only on Amazon!”

Nihilist teens across the country have reportedly met this news with considerable apathy and an abundance of memes. Twitter user @ thor_ragnarocks, a verified teenager, tweeted that she welcomed the news, stating “Might as well welcome Earth’s new alien overlords, the end of time itself, or whatever the fuck else will happen in this decade from hell.”

ike you all, 2020 has hit me hard. I’m unemployed.

Paying rent gets harder and harder every month.

My room is a mess. I spent a week where all I ate was white cheddar Cheez-Its and citrus seltzer water and my body still hasn’t recovered. My relationship with my gender gets more and more complicated by the day. I tried to learn guitar but gave up after six days because the strings hurt my fingers and I didn’t have the patience or pain tolerance to wait for calluses.

Out of the blue, the girl I liked stopped texting me, and she is now dating a man. My skin is shit. My dog keeps bringing me dead squirrels and I don’t know what to do about that. I can’t fall asleep unless MTV’s Catfish is playing in the background because host Nev Shulman is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Melatonin gummies have become my favorite snack. I’m on a different side of TikTok than all my friends so when I reference my favorite TikToks they don’t know what I’m referencing so it just sounds like I’m saying nonsense. I haven’t done laundry or taken out the trash in weeks. I don’t even think I own a toothbrush anymore.

But then, my doctor prescribed me Lexapro and now I’m doing fine. Not just fine, but great! Spectacular! Wonderful! Did I say great? Because I’m doing so great! Was that too many greats? I’m great.

Sure, I sleep a little more now and my dreams are like crazy vivid, but Lexapro is totally worth it. My psychiatrist even said when he prescribed it to me that it would fix all my problems and make me super happy all the time. I think technically what he said was, “This medication will alleviate some of your symptoms. But to fully feel better you are gonna have to put in a lot of work to take care of yourself and reset your negative thought patterns.” So basically, this pill is magic!

You don’t even have to do anything! Just take your dosage, wash it down with a quarter bottle of Nyquil, and feel your trauma and self-hatred melt away as quickly as MTV Catfish’s Nev Shulman can spot a fake internet girlfriend. Mental health is a constant conversation you should be having with yourself: it’s important to frequently analyze how you are feeling, steps you can take to manifest more joy and purpose, and what behaviors you are displaying which are toxic to yourself and the people around you.

Unless you have Lexapro! Then you don’t need to think about any of that shit (which is good, because those questions are super hard and I unravel at the slightest of self-realizations).

So follow in my footsteps and prioritize your mental health! You deserve to feel healthy and loved, and if you don’t feel that way then it’s time to make a change. A change like Lexapro.

The MQ’s Naughty List 1. Myself ;) 2. People who don’t pull their mask above their nose 3. Action movie directors who think women should fight in heels 4. Professors who give homework out over Thanksgiving break 5. People who don’t let me et a septum piercing, MOM 6. The writers of ’’Riverdale’’ 7. Every late night host named James 8. Our C HEM 126A professor who sucks 9 . Pitbull whenever he calls himself Mr. Worldwide 10. White people who try to do C hinese accents g

theMQ.org

December 9, 2020

New Skin Cream Reveals Secret: Free-Range, Organically Produced Horse Semen

Page 9

The MQ Goes on a Slippery Slope of Illegal Acts After Violating Copyright Law Took a picture of Walmart and put it in our newspaper 17 times while crediting the artist

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Neighbelline.

BY JERRY WU Web Editor

C

oming to pharmacies near you is an antiacne cream that claims to have an unprecedented efficacy of “99.99% in the removal and treatment of acne.” Horsemen, the company behind this so-called “wonder cream,” revealed its key, active ingredient is “freerange, orange-zested, organically produced horse semen.”

“If anything, we offer way more transparency than our competitors,” commented CEO of the company Holatta Cummings. “They require you to have a degree in chemistry to understand what’s in their synthesized chemical products. Now us, well, we give you the source of life itself as the key ingredient: horse life.”

“Wait. What does that even mean?” commented one reportedly bewildered customer on the Horsemen website. “Is it the horse or the semen that’s free-range?

What’s getting orange-zested?

And is it onto the horse or that thing’s thingy? I can’t begin to fathom what kind of horse

and/or semen is inorganically produced. Yuck! Oh, God, I want to stop thinking.”

Cummings reportedly clarified: “The sperm is actually free range. After collection, we let them swim around in the jar for 15 minutes before being whipped up into cream. On the other hand, we keep the horses contained in our collection facility in twoby-two-meter pens. Due to some overzealous members of PETA complaining, we have definitely installed windows to remind the horses of what it’s like outside.” Upon inspection of Horsemen’s factory, reporters found that the only windows in the entire facility belong to Mr. Cumming’s personal office. Caught collecting his own “organic product,” Cummings hastily closed the blinds of the windows in question.

“The orange zest actually goes on top of the horse,” reported Cummings. Our analysis shows that the light zesting infuses the semen with the citrus aroma and flavor while maintaining a

silky smooth texture.”

One ecstatic customer reportedly confirmed, “The orange zest added atop the horse really makes all the difference.

I could really feel the extra citrus-infused cummies excavating my pores and shoveling out all that guck! When you put that horse semen on your face, you always know that it’s going to be all-natural.”

“As for the organically produced bit, well I’ll have you know that we have hundreds of highly trained professional wankers getting the job done every day,” reported Cummings. A leading specialist, Mazda Bates, commented, “When COVID happened, I got laid off and found myself jacking off more and more with all this free time. When I came across this job on Handshakers.com, I thought I found my true calling. I’m putting all my years of experience with this bad boy right here to good use,” he said, gesturing to his right arm.

When inquired about whether workers asked the consent of the horses for these unsolicited feeding sessions with “happy endings,”

CEO Cummings responded, “Consent? That’s a load of horse shit! All we care about is horse semen! Who cares about consent when there’s surprisingly warm, liquid profit to be milked? Let’s stop beating this dead horse of a topic and start beating the live horses we have.”

Product analytics report that with each new ambiguous adjective or active ingredient the company adds to the name of the product, it is able to raise the price by 25%. In a recent press release, Cummings was reportedly eager to announce the newest addition to the skincare product: “dragon fruit sautéed, apricot doused, extra virgin olive oil lubed, Himalayan salt crystal dusted, green tea infused, free-range, orangezested, organically produced horse semen.”

Following Horsemen’s lead, several other leading beauty companies have hastily rebranded their own product lines including: Lancûm, La Roche-Pussay, and Neutrogenitalia.

Transportation Services Announce New Party Bus Shuttle

Performed the forbidden double dip Jaywalked Brought our pet snake into a Walmart then released it

Got a water cup and filled it with soda Brought a magic eight-ball to jury duty Parked in two parking spots outside of the Walmart

Shoplifted Blackberry Bliss Mamma Chia seed power pouches from John’s market

UCSD announced their next transportation vehicle: The What Hath God Yacht.

BY ADAM YOSHINAGA

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Distribution Cap’n

n Sunday, UCSD Transportation Services announced a new shuttle to compensate for the recent lack of ridership. Over the past eight months, public transit has seen a dramatic decrease, to which Josh Kawasaki, director of transportation, has attributed to UCSD students’ overall decrease in partying, saying, “I recognize that, as UCSD students, you all have to drive long distances to actually be at the cool parties, and because of that, you have to avoid driving under the influence as much as possible.

I hope that this new shuttle allows everyone to safely return home after a long night of consuming liquid courage.”

The Party Bus shuttle is planned to have permanent stops at Mandeville, Ralphs, and the Tijuana border, as well as popular apartment complexes in the La Jolla area. Other stops change on a weekly basis, depending

on where parties are being hosted, according to Kawasaki.

As an alum of SDSU, Kawasaki also stated that he has been able to “pull some strings” and allow UCSD students to attend “the most lit parties” in the area, claiming, “These losers need to have at least a small glimpse of what a real party is, even during a pandemic.”

In addressing concerns regarding partying during a pandemic, Kawasaki referenced UCSD’s “Return To Learn” Program. In order to board the bus, all students must fill out a symptom screener and personally vouch that they are free of any symptoms of COVID-19. According to the university, 79.59% of students who fill out the symptom survey have yet to test positive for COVID-19. UCSD’s groundbreaking research regarding the relationship between the symptom survey and positive COVID-19 test results has led Transportation Services to conclude that it is relatively safe to ride shut-

tles and continue partying, regardless of the possibility of coming in contact with someone who has contracted the virus at the party itself.

The Party Bus shuttle is set to start running December 11th to kick off finals week.

Shuttle service runs FridaySunday from 7pm until 4am, although Kawasaki doesn’t recommend boarding “until at least 10pm.” “You don’t wanna be one of the first ones there, especially as a UCSD student.

That’s embarrassing.”

UCSD students have had overall positive opinions on the new shuttle. “I’m not the biggest fan of parties, but I’m glad to see that everyone has to do a symptom screener before boarding, that was definitely my biggest concern,” said third-year Kenny White.

First-year Paul Baker concurred, stating, “My parents didn’t let me go to SDSU because they knew it was a party school. I’m glad I finally get to stop focusing on school and live the college life I al-

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

Cut and felled What Hath God Wrought Attempted man’s laughter

ways wanted, full of underage drinking and the possibility of contracting the coronavirus.”

One SDSU student also commented on the new shuttle after reading about it on Reddit. Second-year Nicole Thomas also responded positively: “Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t think of inviting any boring students from UCSD to our parties, but lately the parties have been a lot smaller, so the more the better!”

Alongside the announcement of the new Party Bus shuttle, Transportation Services have also announced a new COVID-19 testing shuttle that runs directly to testing sites. Kawasaki has stated that this new shuttle is the result of a new state mandate, and that Transportation Services recommends avoiding this shuttle in order to avoid coming in contact with anyone who could possibly have COVID-19, as the symptom screener is not a requirement to board.

Held Jeff Bezos at gunpoint Violated Geneva conventions Cut down the Amazon (forest) to build a warehouse for Amazon (corporation) Arsoned a Walmart

IMAGES BY BEN SCHUMIN, MODIFIED

theMQ.org

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Pfizer Announces New mRNA Vaccine Will Be Stored in Tubs of Ice Cream

December 9, 2020

EDITORIAL

I Joined Four Different D&D Campaigns to Avoid My Own Trauma

ART BY MARCELA LONGHINI JACQUELINE DALAVASH Avid D&D Campaigner

D PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH & BEN SCHUMIN

Distribution begins this Sundae.

BY GABRIELLE HART

Staff Writer fizer, one of the world’s most successful pharmaceutical companies, announced that their new mRNA vaccine for COVID-19 is 90 percent effective in a recent press statement, and that they have plans for production starting late November. However, Pfizer acknowledged a few issues within their strategy, particularly with storage temperature. In a controversial decision, Pfzier has decided to store the vaccines in tubs of ice cream in order to meet their deadline.

Multiple contenders, including fellow pharmaceutical company Moderna, have been rushing to design affordable methods of transporting and administering vaccines.

Pfizer CEO Vick Cene stated, “I thought it would be cool to administer the vaccine to every city’s most popular penguin exhibits, to add some

P

whimsy to what has been an ordeal, even for us rich people. But the board said that it was inconvenient ... whatever that means. Also, that penguins don’t have hands? I know that. I do. It made more sense in my head.”

Board member Irma Gency, when asked for comment, said, “Although the penguin idea totally has the cute factor I understand we as a company are looking for, most areas don’t have a Seaworld next door. I don’t think Vick Cene understands how zoos work, either, because I’m pretty sure he thought the penguins could be trained to administer the vaccines. Every day, I write a new line on a two weeks notice.” Among the opponents against the exhibit idea was animal activist Iggy Loo, who thought it was inappropriate to “flagrantly recreate a dystopian version of the critically acclaimed, Oscarwinning movie 'Happy Feet.'”

Shortly after their vaccine

was approved by the FDA, Pfizer announced a joint campaign with Cold Stone Creamery called “Mint Chip in and Do Your Part” with hopes to assuage the worries of the public and encourage them to take the vaccine.

One Pfizer executive said they were “extremely blessed” to collaborate with Cold Stone Creamery, and was later spotted, in one horrified tourist’s words, “feverishly licking the display case at a Bay Area Cold Stone like it was a popsicle on a hot summer day.” The campaign includes a public survey to determine which flavor the vaccine will be stored in. The top three voted flavors include “Actual Saliva,” “Boot,” and “COVID-20.”

Pfizer has not yet announced whether any of these flavors will be chosen.

Many were confused upon hearing about the campaign, particularly about the details of its release. Neither company has commented

on if the vaccine will be offered as a topping at participating Cold Stone Creamery locations. Concerned Twitter user @MillenialMillie27 expressed worry, in a recent tweet asking, “Am I going to have to ruin my paleo diet?” with many ice cream emojis followed by the vomit emoji.

The mass confusion has sparked the creation of the conspiracy theory group mRNAnon. The founder of the mRNAnon Facebook group, Bill Shut, believes that Coldstone and Pfizer are going to be “secretly collecting DNA from customers' sample spoons, and sending all the data collected to the Cream State.” In a recent post, Shut asked, “What is Cold Stone’s next flavor of the month going to be? Mint (micro) chip?” On their website, Pfizer's policy on microchipping currently reads “No guarantees we won’t,” with what many claim to be a coded hieroglyphic, but others state to be a winky face.

US Debt Mysteriously Discovered Again After Disappearing for 4 Years

ungeons and Dragons has a reputation for being a nerdy game of dice, hexagons, and plastic figurines, played only by virgins who are also into Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and learning Dothraki from Game of Thrones. While I may also fit into all of these categories, I guarantee that my experience with D&D is not as nerdy as you would assume. In fact, D&D has joined stress baking at 2 a.m. and overextending myself to help others as one of my main trauma responses.

Everybody knows that when you make a D&D character, they’ve got to have some sort of capital T capital B Tragic Backstory. The best part about roleplaying these characters is that you get to avoid your own trauma by diving into theirs!

The issue is, the escapism of living another person’s life where you can speedrun the mental healing can be addicting. I keep creating characters to avoid how anxious I am.

There is no end in sight. But at least their Tragic Backstories in no way parallel my own life!

I mean, using these characters to cope with my own internalized issues would be unhealthy and ridiculous. Their trauma is in no way a reflection of mine, I promise!

Let me show you how laughable that is! Take my high elf druid: she grew up alone in the forest learning to fend for herself. Now, she peacefully makes tea while the Wild Magic

trapped inside her threatens to flare up at every emotional outburst. Can you imagine if that was a direct parallel to how my childhood forced me to become independent at a young age? Do you mean to tell me that this character is a metaphor for the ridiculous amount of anxiety I feel, which I struggle to mask and compartmentalize so as to not break down regularly? Because personally, I don’t see any connection.

You can’t even tie the Aasimar paladin who’s terrified of losing the favor of her god, thereby losing her magic and sense of identity! Religious trauma? Feeling dependent on a higher power that got me through hard times but now seems so distant? Please, that’s such a stretch.

The most wild accusation would be saying the pansexual tiefling bard I play is an allegory that I use to explore my own sexuality. There’s no way an extroverted party animal who sleeps with anyone he can in order to feel an emotional attachment could be in any way related to my life. I’m just a repressed bisexual who truly loves her straight white boyfriend but is waiting until marriage for sex and feels intimidated by every woman she meets! How would that lead to creating a character who is a sex-crazed pillar of confidence, free with his affection, never backing down from his fear of intimacy? There’s no parallelism at all!

I guess what I’m saying is that D&D really is a great way to destress and avoid the trauma from your past. That must be the reason why I keep creating characters, right?

It’s certainly not therapeutic to untangle my own Tragic Backstory through roleplaying these characters that reflect different aspects of my psyche.

Certainly not! Now, please excuse me while I roll a wisdomsaving throw to see if I can avoid all the psychic damage I’m about to take.

TOP TEN

Ways the Elf on the Shelf Has Ruined Your Life

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “To make money, one must spend money,” Trump claimed, as he raised the US debt seven trillion dollars.

BY ANDREW SITKO

S

Managing Editor

oon after the recognition of Joe Biden’s victory in the presidential election, reports of the United States debt re-emerging were cited by multiple sources. Overnight, multiple mentions of the national debt have emerged on Twitter, Facebook and /pol. George Hitch, a concerned presidential election-only voter stated, “I start to get real worked up when I remember that we have a national debt. It’s a real issue, and Democrats would rather us give everyone free critical gender studies degrees than understand that when we have a debt to pay, we need to pay it.” When asked about his thoughts on the 36% increase in national debt under the Trump Administration, Hitch simply replied, “I’m not really into politics.”

Top career Democrats have already responded to the issue, reportedly promising to

react with a “powerful and resounding solution.” Tom Perez, the chair of the Democratic Party has announced, “We will sacrifice everything to make sure we pay full attention to this problem. The public option which we barely scraped by for you whiny progressives can wait another four years can it not?” When asked about strategies on tackling the national debt Perez reportedly replied, “We have our top politicians on the case. Nancy Pelosi will grab any paper she sees mentioning the debt and rip it up with her bare hands and then just stand there.

Chuck Schumer will be next to her, and also just stand there.

This plan is already off the wall and friggin’ bananas, but to make sure that there is no way that we are thwarted in focusing 100% on the national debt, we have locked up AOC and her squad in a meat locker. The worst thing for the national debt problem right now is to offer solutions, and we can’t have any silly ‘pie in the sky’

ideas floating around while we focus on the real issues.”

The Republican Party has also weighed in on the issue, releasing a statement saying, “Five years ago, Barack Hussein Obama incurred the most national debt for our country we had ever seen.

Now, four years later, even after his presidency has ended, the debt is even higher.

Can Obama explain how he increased the debt yet again?”

Some members of the Republican party reportedly went even further. Senator Ted “Good Ol’ Texas Ted” Cruz stated, “The socialist liberals don’t like to face the fact that the national debt is a real problem. They’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist, just like how I grew a beard and started chomping cigars on Twitter videos in order to get over the fact Trump would ring me up every night in the last election and call me “Pudgy Boy Little Liar Boy, Little Ted” until he fell asleep. These liberals need

to understand that I am very cool and also that the debt is very real.”

The Democratic Socialists of America have reportedly supported the Democrats decision to pledge 100% power to the national debt issue. In a recent video released by the DSA, Tom Perez, wearing Michael Harrington’s freshly peeled face, stated, “Hi. I am Michael Harrington. We at the DSA realized that free healthcare is a very unattainable and stupid goal, and we will actually now be switching 100% of our efforts to bailing out the United States of America and getting nothing in return. Once again, I am Michael Harrington, and definitely not Tom Perez.”

The unanimity to tackle the national debt from all political perspectives allows bipartisan control of the Democratic Party. Many political experts reportedly agree this was done to ensure they do nothing productive in the senate, and to allow the liberal voters to peacefully return to brunch.

10. Got your son used to a surveillance state 9. Took the Christ out of Christmas 8. Entombed you into the cellar after the promise of a cask of Martinelli's 7. Confirmed your suspicions of spousal infidelity 6. He spent way too much on his secret santa gift and made you look bad 5. Your landlord added him to the lease and now you’re paying double 4. He teamed up with your rich tennis rival to kick your ass at doubles 3. He went to a local frat party and gave you COVID 2. He ruined the job prospects of the Mensch on a Bench 1. His birthday is on Christmas and that makes it weird

Newspapers are purely decorational, read at your own risk

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

December 9, 2020

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Page 11

Bees Under Investigation for Illegal Activity

According to ISS Reports, The United States “Looks Purple From Space”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH The discovery that the US is purple came completely out of the blue.

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Distribution Lieutenant

The Hive Guys burger chain was discovered to be a front for honey laundering.

BY MARIA DHILLA Staff Writer

A

recent FBI leak created quite a buzz when it was revealed that several bee species have been performing covert operations across the globe for an unknown entity.

The leaked reports, called the Pollinator Papers, disclosed classified information from the past 30 years about various bee organizations and classified sting operations.

Beatrice Melissa Balci, a longtime DOJ watchdog, agreed to discuss her thoughts on the matter: “These papers center around a mysterious, shadowy figure known only as the Queen Bee. It’s troubling that we don't know much about her, but the reports indicate that the FBI has been as busy as a bee.” This unknown operative evidently “births and trains bee agents in pheromonal

activities." Her coordinates are only kept on a “hidden USBee drive,” which also contains every single other piece of vital information about this illicit group.

The name of the Queen Bee’s secret base, the Hexagon, was formally discovered due to a honeypot trap, wherein an anonymous female agent went undercover as a flower shop owner in order to gain the trust of a New York City beehive. The operation was deemed successful, as one bee had reportedly “pollen in love” with the agent and disclosed vital information to her. This report, describing Operation: Cheerio, is one of many Pollinator Papers leaked online.

Little is known about the goal of these bees, but some information was extracted from the multiple interrogation reports. Police and CIA agents interrogated an operative by the name of Benedict

“Beelzebub” Bonnet. He was said to be “gettin’ the job done like a good worker bee” in a bugged phone call between two other agents, Royal “Jelly” McQueen and Nestor “Nectar” Goldenrod.

Thanks to these interrogations, the US government currently suspects that the Hexagon is part of a large scale “illegal drone production scheme.” However, Bonnet has since escaped the containment apiary facility. He is described as “short, round, and waspish” and “a real beeotch” by law enforcement officers.

He is also violently allergic to cucumbers, and reportedly “burst into hives” when he came in contact with one.

Another report details a classified infiltration mission that occurred merely six months ago. Highly trained FBI agents attended a black and yellow tie charity event held by the Beowulf Society,

PHOTO BY JACK YANG suspected to be a front for the Hexagon. They retrieved information regarding future colony sites, as well as a historic artifact called the Honeycomb valued at “1 bee-llion dollars” by appraisers. Unfortunately, all information gained during this mission is now irrelevant, as a bee’s natural lifetime is six months.

Reporters interviewed a carpenter bee, Aster Apocolyx, who was named in the reports as a possible witness to illicit “murder hornet” activity. “Mind your own beeswax,” Apocolyx stated as he dismissively loaded wood onto his Vespa scooter, “I’ve been swarmed by you reporters for weeks! The only thing I’ve done recently is compete in the local spelling bee.” When asked if he had connections to these hornets, he refused to respond and only said, “I ain’t never seen a murder hornet in my life. Now buzz off!”

NOW I KNOW MY A-BRIEF-C'S CHARGERS COACH “FINALLY” FIGURES OUT HOW TO NOT LOSE CLOSE GAMES

THE ELUSIVE “JACK” REFERRED TO BY JOE BIDEN FINALLY BREAKS HIS SILENCE

LOCAL PHANTOM KICKED OUT OF OPERA FOR INEFFECTIVE MASK

After years of having the worst record in the NFL in one-score games, including multiple losses on the final play this year, The Lose Angels Chargers have a new trick up their sleeve. Anthony Lynn, head coach of the Chargers, has claimed to have “finally solved [his] problems.” Lynn described the moment of his breakthrough after Sunday’s game against New England: “I was watching the film, and I realized many of our problems came when we had chances to win, so I thought the easiest solution would be to eliminate those chances from our games. I was happy to see our guys execute my plan today.

This game, there was never any doubt as to which team would be the victor.”

After the 45-0 loss, Lynn was asked about why he left his promising rookie quarterback Justin Herbert in a game that was effectively over and with a crumbling offensive line. “I firmly believe in teaching my players how to play through adversity, and there is no bigger adversity than a potential career-altering injury. Also, he asked me to let him stay in, I swear. Now stop asking me questions that make me look bad.”

According to the latest reports from the CIA, the ubiquitous “Jack” commonly referred to by the presidentelect is actually an middleaged librarian living in Smackover, Arkansas.

“It was uncanny,” one analyst claimed. “We were playing his latest speech backwards, and apparently Biden says, ‘Listen here, Jack,’ and lists a series of precise coordinates when played backwards.”

Jack Korne Pope, who has long been wary of the president-elect’s campaign and eventual nomination, agreed to an interview. “Day in and day out, this man calls my name and delivers me these inscrutable messages,” said Pope. “At first it was just a little strange, hearing him look through the computer screen at me, speaking my name. Then, the true terror came: his mumblings. I hear them. Everywhere.”

“I know now,” Pope continued, “that he is my foe. Every day he sits at the top, at the pinnacle of power, taunting me with his charming anecdotes about Fig Newtons and cleaning pools. He foolishly believes that he can ascend to the ranks of the immortals, to unlock the mysteries of reality. But his ambitions will be his downfall.”

In response to the news, Biden claimed ignorance.

“Listen here, Jack, I had no idea any of this was happening. But, if there was a challenger to my eternal apotheosis, rising from the rabble, he is helpless compared to my newfound powers.”

A regular guest of the Paris Opera House known as “The Phantom of the Opera” was recently kicked out of a performance of “Hannibal” for not following mask regulations.

The Phantom did wear a mask, but it reportedly only covered half of his face and left his mouth completely exposed.

He was noticed when he interrupted the show to hex the lead singer and hang a stagehand in front of the audience.

“I’m worried for my safety with people like him trouncing around,” says one patron of the opera. “I mean it looked like his mask deliberately avoided covering his mouth. I think I even saw nostril holes! Someone should tell him that masks aren’t just fun costumes.”

Christine Daae, an actress in the production, was the only person present who claimed to know The Phantom. “Once, he led me to a really dark, scary underground portion of the opera house that I didn’t know existed. We had a whole moment, and I sang some super, super high notes. It was so much fun, I think everyone deserves to unload and just live a little like that these days.

But don’t worry, we socially distanced before and after the dramatic embrace.”

BUDDY THE ELF PASSES BATHROOM SINGING BILL December 3 marked the passing of the Singing Rights Bill in the Senate. The bill, proposed by North Pole foreign diplomat Buddy the Elf, allows citizens of the United States of America to freely enter bathrooms and sing Christmas songs.

Buddy the Elf headed the campaign for the Bill, proposing that it would bring “the jolly spirit” to all people across the country, especially in New York. When proposed to the Supreme Court, Buddy claimed that “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

And sometimes the time you need the most Christmas cheer is while you're shitting.” The Bill passed swiftly from the Supreme Court to the House of Representatives to the Senate.

Actress and singer Zooey Deschanel spoke out against the campaign, calling it a “ridiculous attempt to disguise intruding in people’s personal spaces as ‘jolly singing,’” and that the fact that this law is even up for debate “defines how idiotic the judicial system is in America.” Research shows that bathroom Christmas music would make eight percent of people jollier and 93 percent deeply uncomfortable.

Justice Kavanaugh, who drafted the opinion of the majority, refused to comment on Deschanel’s statements.

A

new revolutionary technology developed by NASA capable of detecting and mapping political sentiments was finally deployed for official use on the International Space Station.

According to initial reports by astronauts, the United States appears purple rather than dominantly red or blue, unlike previous approximations by political scientists suggested.

Russian ISS astronaut Alexei Oblonsky was unsurprised.

“When you squint it all looks the same. New York, Texas, cities, rural areas, it’s all purple.

Look at Russia and China … that’s where it’s really red. You Americans, you either think you are the moral center of the world or the most oppressive country in the world, but clearly you have never seen corruption in the Kremlin.”

Buzz Aldrin provided some context for Oblonsky’s thoughts in a commentary.

“When you look at the Earth from so far away … you know, there is a distance you can’t even have from a typical passenger plane. You can’t even have the distance emotionally, hearing about America while in other countries. You need to be on another planet to truly leave America, but having been on the moon gives me and all other astronauts partial clarity. We can actually collect conclusive data. That’s why our statements on historical politics are so definitive, too — we have the distance of not only space, but time.”

Through a secondary analysis on career politicians, political scientists found that most American politicians are similarly colored purple.

Dr. Abernathy, an expert in political alignment geography technology and a self-declared “cool Jewish mom,” explained: “Despite appearances and party lines, all American poli-

ticians seem to be corrupted by similar motivations, and their personal colors usually ranged from purple to red.”

Among political activists, there has been significant vocal opposition to the analysis. “Those dirty socialists are nothing like us!” said Evan Borowski, a self-declared libertarian. “Bernie and AOC want to destroy our free market and take away all our guns, and we can’t let that happen.” After further study, experts concluded that the libertarian candidates Borowski campaigned for were reddish lavender “at best.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, by contrast, were both periwinkle.

Contrary to Borowski’s claims, Sanders long supported gun ownership, and Cortez is at most a democratic socialist.

According to Dr. Abernathy, Cortez represents “The most blue popular politician on the national stage right now.” Abernathy continued, saying, “And she’s not even very blue. We thought it was a malfunction at first, but a lot of Democrats are actually showing up red on our data.” She then qualified, “God, I wish the claims about socialism in the Democratic Party were true though, maybe we would actually see more progressive policies. So much for the ‘loony left.’ Trump and McConnell, try again next time.” She then aimed her middle finger at the nearest camera, claiming, “Trump, I know you’ll be watching this. I hate you. I hate you so much.” Dr. Abernathy’s own color has been described by many people to be “a pleasing shade of cobalt.”

Abernathy also addressed public questions concerning recent political trends, saying “The polarization IS real, but we’ve only moved a few shades in either direction.

Most Americans want similar things, but refuse to listen to each other. Except Neo-Nazis.

They can fuck off.”

TOP TEN

Names That Should be Used Instead of Egg Nog 10. Nothing, we shouldn't even drink it 9. Eggspresso 8. Yoeulk 7. Cockadoodle brew 6. Eggnipotent nog 5. Unidentified white liquid 4. The least vegan drink 3. Third part of Christ 2. Booze Clues 1. Megg Qog

Can you believe our handwriting is this good?

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Page 12

December 9, 2020

We trained an AI on 1,000 hours of YouTube cooking videos and it turned into a youtuber Well, we done messed this one up. Our bad. The interns we stole from reputable engineering companies were SUPPOSED to create an AI, force it to watch 1,000 hours of cooking videos on YouTube, and then have it make us tasty treats in eternal servitude.

Unfortunately, some wires got crossed, and now the AI has become an overnight sensation as a food vlogger.

Also, it tried to kill us. The interns had to write up a whole report on it, but we still docked their pay from five dollars a week to three.

Preliminary Analysis: Rogue AI Cooking Youtuber Notable videos it watched to understand cooking: • Bon Appetit’s “Every Way to Cook an Egg” • “I try making a vegan steak out of wheat” • The VeggieTales episode “Dr. Jiggle and Mr. Sly” • Every episode of Food Network’s “Beat Bobby Flay” where the guest chef beats Bobby Flay • Music video for “Fruit Salad” by The Wiggles • Livestream playthrough of “Papa’s Pizzeria” Dishes it’s made so far: • Cookies and “cream” • Charredcuterie board • Poached eggs (stolen) • Molten lava cake • Rice fried by shrimp • Margarita pizza • Foot Fetishccine

Most common ingredients asked for:

v

Earlier versions of AI

Reasons for termination: • Became depressingly existential on their role in society as a youtuber • Spoiled the winner of the Great British Baking Show • In every recipe, replaced olive oil with crude oil

Reasons for termination: • Poisoned all the scientists • Started a gaming channel • Butchered animals live to get the freshest meats possible • Added salt before throwing eggs in the pans, and RUINED their french soft scramble by making the eggs too runny