THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
February 3, 2021
“Please stop asking me about politics.” - Joe Biden, President of the United States
Volume XXVII Issue IV
Steal this paper
Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater
IN THIS ISSUE COVID TESTS REPLACED WITH DILDOS
3
JEFF BEZOS: “I’M BATMAN”
5
THE MQ MAKES A PICNIC DATE
6,7
CLAM UNHAPPY DESPITE COMMON SAYING MAGICIAN QUESTIONED IN WIFE’S DISAPPEARANCE PHOTO BY JACK YANG When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!” BY BRYCE POLLACK Staff Writer
I
n an email sent out to UCSD staff and students this Monday, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla reported he had obtained mythical treasure in the university’s wastewater. Said treasure, identified as the Holy Grail of Arthurian legend, is being kept at Khosla’s La Jolla Farms estate alongside the Ark of the Covenant, the body of the previous Chancellor, and students’ tuition checks. The email read: “We interrupt our regularly scheduled timely warning construction notice to tell you that the Holy Grail has been found in campus wastewater. If you lost a magical, woundhealing chalice in one of the restrooms between 11 a.m. on January 10 to 11 a.m. on January 13 — too bad, it’s ours now. Finders keepers; go back to studying, nerd. Also, don’t forget to donate to the Feed My Starving Chan-
cellor’s Fund or else you’re a horrible person.” UCSD’s wastewater testing system, formerly equipped with 52 state-of-the-art samplers used to locate traces of SARS CoV-2, is now equipped with 52 unpaid graduate students wading through sewage and looking for lost artifacts by hand. These changes were overseen by Return to Learn co-lead Dr. Chip Stooley, a UCSD Professor of Epidemiology and self-proclaimed wastewater enthusiast. “Chancellor Khosla told us we should focus less on detecting viral disease and more on finding shiny objects,” Stooley said. “When I asked him about the rising number of COVID-19 cases on campus, he just put his finger over my lips and slipped a few Kraft Singles into my pocket.” When asked about how he found the Grail, Khosla replied, “Why should I pay those grad students? They
should be paying me to muck around in my wastewater — oh, how did I find the Holy Grail? It was pretty straight forward. God appeared to me in the clouds, resplendent and full of awesome power, and said, ‘Khosla, King of the Tritons, your Knights of the Chancellor’s Office shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times,’ and sent me on a quest for the Holy Grail. And I found it. So yeah, you could say me and God are pretty tight.” Chancellor Khosla refused to comment on his alleged use of a Holy Hand Grenade in the AP&M basement. There are a number of views on how the Holy Grail should be used. UCSD Professor of Archaeology Benjamin Gates believes that the Grail could help alleviate suffering caused by the pandemic. “Sure, the Pfizer vaccine is 95 percent effective at preventing you from get-
ting COVID-19, but the Holy Grail is 100 percent effective at making you immortal. I don’t care how long that thing was floating in excrement, I want it; I’m going to steal the Holy Grail.” Chancellor Khosla, who held the grail atop a throne of ivory, has a different opinion. “I’m gonna chug a beer out of it like a hockey player with the Stanley Cup, and then probably retire. This university business is way too much work and not enough immediate gratification, you know what I mean? I could be a badass treasure hunter, looting and pillaging ancient artifacts instead of overcharging measly student loans. Stay tuned for my new spam email list to hear about my travels abroad, and don’t forget to donate to the Feed My Starving Chancellor’s Fund or else you’re a horrible person.”
Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing
PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad. BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT
D
Editor-in-Chief
espite being in office for less than a month, scandal has already befallen the Biden administration. On February 1, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly caught watching President Biden from a close, yet inconspicuous distance while tapping her foot, poking her
watch to ensure it still worked, and sighing in an exasperated manner. Vice President Harris was also heard in a separate incident muttering, “Come on, hurry up already!” under her breath, much to the ire of White House staffers. Vice President Harris’ actions have caused condemnation and disapproval outside of the White House, particularly
NEW PLANE HAS A CORKSCREW-SHAPED COCKPIT Resulting price hike fucks you over
from Republican members of Congress who have been vocal in their criticism. “I think that Vice President Harris’s actions are despicable,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “To not only seemingly wish that the President would hurry up and die, but to do so within a month of assuming office is downright heinous. We had four perfectly scandal-free years under
President Trump – so much so that I’d almost forgotten what a real political controversy looked like.” “Not many of my colleagues are gonna say it publicly, but I understand her sentiments,” said one prominent Cabinet member, who
See Harris page 2
LOCAL DOG VOTES Has bone to pick with incumbent
9 10
NEWS IN BRIEF LOCAL LAWYER DISBARRED AFTER “EXCESSIVE USE” OF TAYLOR SWIFT QUOTES The American Bar Association recently disbarred a criminal defense attorney for unprecedented behavior. Despite repeated requests from judges to “stop everything, now,” Devin Chou believed he was “untouchable, burning brighter than the sun,” and that he “didn’t have it in himself to go with grace.” One particularly egregious incident, according to the ABA, included when Chou defended an accused cannibal by saying there was “no body, no crime,” and that “long story short, it was the wrong
guy.” When accused of perjury, Chou said, “Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury,” and responded to angry comments with “the truth is easier to ignore, believe me.” Later in the case, Chou accused the judge, yelling “you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand!” In response to being disbarred, Chou released a statement arguing that the ABA was “so casually cruel in the name of being honest” after he had “cried like a baby coming home from the bar.”
MCQUEEN TELLS ALL Kachow! I’ve been turned into a cow. Hey guys, it’s me, Lightning McQueen. I bet you wanna’ know how I got here. Well, remember that time my old pal Mater and I went tractor tipping? And I tipped all the tractors at once? Well that moment marked my car-soul — my Kia Soul, if you will — because later in life, when my engine wore down and I took my last exhaust, I saw the light at the end of the highway. I followed it and reached the DMVJ, the Department of Motor Vehicle Judgement, and standing in the middle was the Lord
and Savior Jeepus Christ. Apparently, I really messed up when I attacked those innocent tractors like that, and I now must pay for my arrogance. Jeepus explained that the only way to truly understand what I did is to be reincarnated as an Earthly tractor — in other words, a cow. It could be worse, I could have gone to purgatory, or even car hell, which is just a junkyard where you race endlessly for the Pissed-In Cup. Life was a highway, but now it’s a slaughterhouse. Someone is going to kachow down on my corpse.
GOVERNOR NEWSOM ENDS “BUMMER” STAY-AT-HOME ORDER The Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, has recently ended the stay-athome order afflicting the entirety of California. In a shocking, tell-all interview, Governor Newsom explained his actions, remarking that “Technically, everywhere remains in the purple tier, so this is all still a major bummer. But I really wanted this quarantine thing to be over so I could go back to the French Laundry, and then I realized that, as Governor, no one can stop me! Unless, of course, they’re first to draw blood hand-tohand combat. So, now we can leave our homes and go to the zoo!” Many Californians are not happy with Newsom’s decision, however. San Diego resident Bradley Andrea
stated, “The guidelines say that you can eat outside at a restaurant now, and I tried to book a reservation, but for some reason the tables are required to be eight feet apart instead of the old six! Not only that, but the reduced capacity limit is still in place too. It’s even worse than before!” Andrea Bradley, another San Diego resident completely unrelated to the first, had a different reaction to the change, saying, “Hair salons are open, which is ‘woohoo!’ But I think I’ll stay away for the moment. An article I read during quarantine inspired me to strive for the Guinness World Record of ‘Woman With Longest Hair’ instead.”
See BRIEFS, page 11