The MQ Volume 27 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 3, 2021

“Please stop asking me about politics.”

- Joe Biden, President of the United States

Volume XXVII Issue IV

Steal this paper

Chancellor Khosla Finds Holy Grail in UCSD Wastewater

IN THIS ISSUE COVID TESTS REPLACED WITH DILDOS

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JEFF BEZOS: “I’M BATMAN”

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THE MQ MAKES A PICNIC DATE

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CLAM UNHAPPY DESPITE COMMON SAYING MAGICIAN QUESTIONED IN WIFE’S DISAPPEARANCE PHOTO BY JACK YANG When one of the unpaid interns got their arms chopped off by an overzealous swing, Khlosa scoffed, “‘Tis but a scratch!”

BY BRYCE POLLACK Staff Writer

I

n an email sent out to UCSD staff and students this Monday, Chancellor Pradeep Khosla reported he had obtained mythical treasure in the university’s wastewater. Said treasure, identified as the Holy Grail of Arthurian legend, is being kept at Khosla’s La Jolla Farms estate alongside the Ark of the Covenant, the body of the previous Chancellor, and students’ tuition checks.

The email read: “We interrupt our regularly scheduled timely warning construction notice to tell you that the Holy Grail has been found in campus wastewater. If you lost a magical, woundhealing chalice in one of the restrooms between 11 a.m. on January 10 to 11 a.m. on January 13 — too bad, it’s ours now. Finders keepers; go back to studying, nerd.

Also, don’t forget to donate to the Feed My Starving Chan-

cellor’s Fund or else you’re a horrible person.”

UCSD’s wastewater testing system, formerly equipped with 52 state-of-the-art samplers used to locate traces of SARS CoV-2, is now equipped with 52 unpaid graduate students wading through sewage and looking for lost artifacts by hand. These changes were overseen by Return to Learn co-lead Dr. Chip Stooley, a UCSD Professor of Epidemiology and self-proclaimed wastewater enthusiast.

“Chancellor Khosla told us we should focus less on detecting viral disease and more on finding shiny objects,” Stooley said. “When I asked him about the rising number of COVID-19 cases on campus, he just put his finger over my lips and slipped a few Kraft Singles into my pocket.”

When asked about how he found the Grail, Khosla replied, “Why should I pay those grad students? They

should be paying me to muck around in my wastewater — oh, how did I find the Holy Grail? It was pretty straight forward. God appeared to me in the clouds, resplendent and full of awesome power, and said, ‘Khosla, King of the Tritons, your Knights of the Chancellor’s Office shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times,’ and sent me on a quest for the Holy Grail. And I found it. So yeah, you could say me and God are pretty tight.” Chancellor Khosla refused to comment on his alleged use of a Holy Hand Grenade in the AP&M basement.

There are a number of views on how the Holy Grail should be used. UCSD Professor of Archaeology Benjamin Gates believes that the Grail could help alleviate suffering caused by the pandemic. “Sure, the Pfizer vaccine is 95 percent effective at preventing you from get-

ting COVID-19, but the Holy Grail is 100 percent effective at making you immortal. I don’t care how long that thing was floating in excrement, I want it; I’m going to steal the Holy Grail.”

Chancellor Khosla, who held the grail atop a throne of ivory, has a different opinion.

“I’m gonna chug a beer out of it like a hockey player with the Stanley Cup, and then probably retire. This university business is way too much work and not enough immediate gratification, you know what I mean? I could be a badass treasure hunter, looting and pillaging ancient artifacts instead of overcharging measly student loans. Stay tuned for my new spam email list to hear about my travels abroad, and don’t forget to donate to the Feed My Starving Chancellor’s Fund or else you’re a horrible person.”

Kamala Harris Under Fire for Staring at Joe Biden, Tapping Watch, and Sighing

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA White House staff reported seeing Vice President Harris writing “President Kamala Harris” over and over again on a legal pad.

BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

D

Editor-in-Chief

espite being in office for less than a month, scandal has already befallen the Biden administration. On February 1, Vice President Kamala Harris was reportedly caught watching President Biden from a close, yet inconspicuous distance while tapping her foot, poking her

watch to ensure it still worked, and sighing in an exasperated manner. Vice President Harris was also heard in a separate incident muttering, “Come on, hurry up already!” under her breath, much to the ire of White House staffers.

Vice President Harris’ actions have caused condemnation and disapproval outside of the White House, particularly

NEW PLANE HAS A CORKSCREW-SHAPED COCKPIT Resulting price hike fucks you over

from Republican members of Congress who have been vocal in their criticism. “I think that Vice President Harris’s actions are despicable,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “To not only seemingly wish that the President would hurry up and die, but to do so within a month of assuming office is downright heinous. We had four perfectly scandal-free years under

President Trump – so much so that I’d almost forgotten what a real political controversy looked like.”

“Not many of my colleagues are gonna say it publicly, but I understand her sentiments,” said one prominent Cabinet member, who

See Harris page 2

LOCAL DOG VOTES Has bone to pick with incumbent

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NEWS IN BRIEF LOCAL LAWYER DISBARRED AFTER “EXCESSIVE USE” OF TAYLOR SWIFT QUOTES The American Bar Association recently disbarred a criminal defense attorney for unprecedented behavior. Despite repeated requests from judges to “stop everything, now,” Devin Chou believed he was “untouchable, burning brighter than the sun,” and that he “didn’t have it in himself to go with grace.”

One particularly egregious incident, according to the ABA, included when Chou defended an accused cannibal by saying there was “no body, no crime,” and that “long story short, it was the wrong

guy.” When accused of perjury, Chou said, “Sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury,” and responded to angry comments with “the truth is easier to ignore, believe me.” Later in the case, Chou accused the judge, yelling “you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand!”

In response to being disbarred, Chou released a statement arguing that the ABA was “so casually cruel in the name of being honest” after he had “cried like a baby coming home from the bar.”

MCQUEEN TELLS ALL Kachow!

I’ve been turned into a cow. Hey guys, it’s me, Lightning McQueen. I bet you wanna’ know how I got here.

Well, remember that time my old pal Mater and I went tractor tipping? And I tipped all the tractors at once? Well that moment marked my car-soul — my Kia Soul, if you will — because later in life, when my engine wore down and I took my last exhaust, I saw the light at the end of the highway. I followed it and reached the DMVJ, the Department of Motor Vehicle Judgement, and standing in the middle was the Lord

and Savior Jeepus Christ.

Apparently, I really messed up when I attacked those innocent tractors like that, and I now must pay for my arrogance. Jeepus explained that the only way to truly understand what I did is to be reincarnated as an Earthly tractor — in other words, a cow. It could be worse, I could have gone to purgatory, or even car hell, which is just a junkyard where you race endlessly for the Pissed-In Cup. Life was a highway, but now it’s a slaughterhouse. Someone is going to kachow down on my corpse.

GOVERNOR NEWSOM ENDS “BUMMER” STAY-AT-HOME ORDER The Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, has recently ended the stay-athome order afflicting the entirety of California. In a shocking, tell-all interview, Governor Newsom explained his actions, remarking that “Technically, everywhere remains in the purple tier, so this is all still a major bummer. But I really wanted this quarantine thing to be over so I could go back to the French Laundry, and then I realized that, as Governor, no one can stop me! Unless, of course, they’re first to draw blood hand-tohand combat. So, now we can leave our homes and go to the zoo!”

Many Californians are not happy with Newsom’s decision, however. San Diego resident Bradley Andrea

stated, “The guidelines say that you can eat outside at a restaurant now, and I tried to book a reservation, but for some reason the tables are required to be eight feet apart instead of the old six! Not only that, but the reduced capacity limit is still in place too. It’s even worse than before!”

Andrea Bradley, another San Diego resident completely unrelated to the first, had a different reaction to the change, saying, “Hair salons are open, which is ‘woohoo!’

But I think I’ll stay away for the moment. An article I read during quarantine inspired me to strive for the Guinness World Record of ‘Woman With Longest Hair’ instead.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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February 3, 2021

Gamers Find They Are Bisexual After Playing “Hades”

A

Managing Editor

sharp spike in self-reported bisexuality has occurred in the United States following the release of award-winning video game “Hades.” The one-shot, topdown, “Diablo”-style campaign centers around Greek mythology. Gamers play as Zagreus, a “shirtless twunk himbo” who gets help from his family to escape the Underworld. The game received much praise and multiple awards from the Golden Joystick and the Game Awards upon release. It also triggered the largest spike in bisexual awareness since 2004.

Selena Domingo, who identifies as bisexual, has logged 215 hours onto the game since she purchased it during the Steam Winter Sale in late 2020. Domingo remarked, “Yeah, I think it’s a nice turn of events that we get some good ol’ bi representation without anyone saying anything about it. Honestly though, the reason I’ve

played so many hours is that, after you ‘beat’ the game, there’s still different achievements to get and new weapons to use to smash your way through hordes of enemies.

On top of a customizable difficulty setting and a tightknit speedrunning community with multiple unique run categories,” said Domingo, almost out of breath, “there’s not really a reason to do anything else. So now I’m trying for sub-20 minute runs and sometimes even a no-heat no-hit run.”

While some have enjoyed “Hades” for its gameplay, users like Ralphie Zabaria have focused on the characters. “I’ve been playing ‘Hades’ since it came out, and I watched it on stream before it was released as an alpha version. To be fair, I didn’t even know I was bisexual.

I’ve been into girls all my life and I didn’t consider alternatives, but after playing this game and getting to know the characters … well. Now I get it.”

Harris

wished to remain anonymous.

“I mean, Joe Biden is the oldest ever President of the United States, so someone who’s younger like Harris may feel like they’re more deserving of the spot. Plus, policy-wise, Biden and Harris aren’t too different. But the kicker is that Harris had to drop out before even making it to the primaries. I’m sure that there must be some sort of bitterness there.” The anonymous Cabinet member took a minute to pause, staring blankly into the distance, then spoke again at breakneck speed with an Indiana accent that seemed to grow thicker by the second: “I mean, hypothetically, if I ran to be the Democratic nominee for president, made it into the primaries, and then I was told that I had to drop out and unite around the guy who, at the time, had only won South frickin’ Carolina because we had to block Bernie Sanders

from clinching the Democratic nomination and bringing about some socially progressive policies, I’d be pretty peeved too. But of course, this is all hypothetical.”

Vice President Harris was quick to respond to allegations that she was waiting for Biden’s demise in a press statement on February 2. “I’m well aware of how my actions may seem to a third-party, but the general public needs to know that I harbor no ill-will against the president of the United States.

I accepted Biden’s offer to be his running mate because I knew that together we could bring real change to America.

And I intend to continue doing just that, in spite of the attacks on my character and the president’s age. And just so we’re clear – when Joe Biden decides to kick the bucket, I’ll happily step up. But right now, it’s not like I have another choice.”

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

Ralphie Zabaria said, “If I’m going to hell, good.”

BY ANDREW SITKO

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

When asked about his favorite character developments within the story, Zabaria responded, “I’m sure the dialogue and story are really good, but I honestly can’t remember. I spent my first playthrough staring at the gods for so long that I forgot that the dialogue was supposed to continue. I don’t really remember what Zagreus is doing or why he’s trying to escape, but between Artemis’ thighs-that-save-lives and Theseus’ indomitable bod, I can’t be bothered to figure out what the hell is going on.

I’m gonna be real, even Tisiphone and her corpse getup is kind of disgusting, but in a hot way. It hits different, you know?”

The bisexuality spike surrounding “Hades” has spread to Twitch.tv, a streaming platform where viewers can watch streamers play video games and interact with them through a chat feature.

One popular streamer, “BillingSpree,” was under fire for nearly two weeks following

his hot-headed insistence that he is “not gay,” which he made after he was recorded staring at the character Ares for a full minute.

Such occurrences have led to an influx of “copypastas” saying, “Gee Bill, your mom lets you hold two swords?

KappaPride.” The chat spams only ceased when the user “Big_Pogga” linked a YouTube montage containing every instance of “BillingSpree” staring at a god, with total times attached. Extensive research revealed that “BillingSpree’s” average staring time was 73 seconds longer for male gods than their female counterparts. “BillingSpree” reportedly watched the video live on stream before stating, “Ok, maybe I’m bi-curious.” PridePog was spammed in chat.

While “Hades” has helped many bisexuals come out, not every player is a bisexual. One notable player of “Hades” who has denied being bisexual is 47 year old “Randy” from Nantucket who simply stated, “I like the fishing.”

Time to Graduate

BY MARIA DHILLA

Editor-in-Chief..................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor.....................Aniela Drumonde Ass. Content Editor............Matthew Miltimore Ass. Content Editor..................Robert Renfro Ass. Content Editor.............. Varsha Varkhedi Niche Content Editor.............Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor...............................Jack Yang

Ass. Graphics Editor....................Maria Dhilla Social/Publicity Chair.............Hanaa Moosavi Social/Publicity Ottoman...............Jacob King Copy Editor.............................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor................................Adian Valdez Ass. Copy Editor....................Gage Tanzman Web Editor........................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain.............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant...........Kaz Nuckowski MQ Uncle’s Roommate.........Dan Kaliblotzky Muir Advisor......................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

We were told to “slide to the left” and we failed miserably. Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Hey everyone! Firstly, I’d like to extend a special thank you to our new editors for their incredible work! I’m so glad that y’all are on the team. This production seemed to go by super quick, though if that changes in between now and final printout, I’ll strikethrough this section and replace it with a frowny face :( Regardless of how long it takes, I’m super happy that we’ve continued to generate kick-ass content and stay on top of everything MQ-related. In a quarter that feels like it’s consistently Week 10, you (and yes, that means YOU!) all have been absolutely incredible. Cheers!

- Stephen

Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz Rani Das

Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jina Lee

Isabelle Mckelvey Seth McLaughlin Keshav Mittal Chester Ni Tomoka Ozaki Avaneesh Pentaparthy Bryce Pollack

Sophie Pubb Pilan Scruggs Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco

Booster Club This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead use this section to promote homemade spaghetti sauce. Homemade spaghetti sauce is a great first meal to learn with your family, as it is very easy to master. Homemade spaghetti sauce is also extremely customizable, you can add beef, pork, and turkey.

You can add squash, broccoli, and tomatoes to make those sauces pop. Spaghetti sauce is also a great meal and will keep you filled for multiple hours while there are unknown combatants within your walls. Grab a quick bite to eat before stabbing an unmarked special forces soldier with a pencil in the neck from the closet you were hiding in. You can even add spaghetti!

theMQ.org

February 3, 2021

Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos

Page 3

EDITORIAL

Reagan can Trickle Down on MY Economy

BY RICHARD MONTGOMERY III Future Millionaire

S “Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.

BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY Staff Writer

C

haos erupted last Monday evening at UCSD when a system error in UCSD Health’s requisition algorithms replaced the nose swabs in every COVID-19 vending machine with dildos.

First-responding CSOs acted quickly to open the vending machines and remove the misplaced sex toys, and UCSD HDH faculty disposed of the multicolored dildos in trash bins, a move that many claimed to be “the most efficient UCSD has ever been.”

Unfortunately, not even three hours later, the system malfunction occurred again, and the sex toys were restored in the next restocking of the machines.

A HDH staff member on the scene, Matt Sterbater, insisted that “thousands of students were flocking to the vending machines to get their own sex toy. Staff members were the most excited,

though. They were trampling kids and shoving people and shit. Even staff members need a stiff member sometimes.” An anonymous UCSD student commented, “There were so many penises, I can’t wait to hear the Chancellor make a statement about this!”

Since the plan to dispose of the dildos (more colloquially called The Dildo Disposal Design) failed due to students and faculty alike raiding the collection bins, UCSD admin recruited the self-proclaimed “greatest coder in the country” Dr. Heinrich Shmoofendirtz to “get all up inside there and fix the machines, or whatever.” However, the malfunction was stiff enough to stump even Shmoofendirtz, whose “bug-fix-inator” only resulted in the ordering of seven metric tons of dental dams instead of biohazard bags. An observant student noted that “after giving it the good ol’ college try, UCSD admin resorted to their usual problem-solving tactic of pre-

tending it never happened.”

As the staff members swiftly left the scene, the students reportedly cheered in unison “Yippee, the dongs are here to stay!”

This long and hard situation took a positive turn when medical statisticians started reporting a large decrease COVID cases on campus. One UCSD scientist, Dr. E. Rekshun, reported that the rate of new infections is down 75% from December. “As it turns out, free dildos are the most effective form of COVID-19 prevention that the world has seen to date. These sex toys are keeping students satisfied on their own, decreasing the need for in-person gatherings. In fact, there’s hardly anybody walking around campus anymore because everyone’s in their own dorms beating their meat!”.

Dr. Rekshun explained how he had wanted to gather statements from students for more accurate data, but “it was extremely hard to find

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

any that weren’t inside their dorms ‘flicking the bean.’ The only time I was able to track down anybody is after I yelled ‘ANAL BEADS!’ outside of Tamarack.” He added that the reviews he did obtain from students were overwhelmingly positive. “Apparently, Macy F ‘likes the way her dildo feels on her cooter,’ and Dave P likes to ‘stick it up his butt!’”

Medical scientists were “satisfied and pleased” with the dildo accident and its positive effect on campus COVID-19 rates. After witnessing UCSD’s success, other UCs have announced they are in the works of creating their own dildo vending machines to reduce infections on their campuses.

One school’s announcement concludes with: “So go down to your nearest campus vending machine and get yourself a dildo, because, as Dr. Fauci always says: ‘If masturbating saves lives, then become the biggest lifesaver there is.’”

Medieval Times To Open Offshoot Branch Based on Roaring Twenties

A promotional offer reads: “If you subscribe to Medieval Times’ email list, we’ll send you chain mail!”

BY MARIA DHILLA

Assisstant Graphics Editor

M

edieval Times CEO Kenneth Kim recently announced that the company would be expanding its franchise and opening a new show called Twenties Times, which will bring the glitz and glamour of the 1920s to modern audiences.

The franchise has reportedly hired acclaimed historian Dr. Theodore Jefferson Eckleberg to oversee production.

“The ‘medieval’ iteration of the show was absolutely awful – rife with inaccuracies,” said Dr. Eckleberg in an interview. “Tomatoes weren’t even popularized until the late 16th century, and don’t get me started on the plates!

The people of medieval Europe were far too poor to be using plates, they ate on stale pieces of bread! Contrarily, I hope my new attraction will genuinely depict the happiness that erupted across the country when the U.S. swept in to save the day and take all the credit at the end of World War I.”

Dr. Eckleberg has been “on the ground floor for every level of planning,” overseeing historical details with “painstaking accuracy and precision.” As per Dr. Eckleberg’s notes, the show will be “strictly Freudian from an analytical standpoint” but “Dadaist from an artistic visionary viewpoint.”Additionally, several changes have been made to the show’s format. Former knight actor William Godfrey, who will be swapping roles to a shell-shocked war veteran, explained the revisions: “Well, originally the knights would go ‘round and have a jousting tournament in the ring. But there weren’t really any medieval knights or tournaments in the ‘20s, so instead the audience will be watching a foxtrot dance battle get progressively more incoherent as we drink bathtub gin for three hours straight.

It’s hell on my liver.”

Medieval Times employee Joan O. Arkinson further elaborated on the intoxicating contents of the new show: “If the parents in the audience

want to consume alcohol to cope, they must go to a secret underground location, meet with our on-site Al Capone impersonator, and ask for ‘the goods’ while not making eye contact. If they lock eyes with ol’ Al, the coppers’ll immediately toss ‘em into the fully functional jail alongside the premises. Kids get hooch for free if they smuggle nicely!”

The differences even extend to the language used on-site. “Instead of knights choosing a ‘Queen of Love and Beauty’ from the audience, the gentlemen in the ring said they’ll be picking up a ‘Broad with Hotsy-Totsy Gams,’ which made me feel super liberated from gender roles,” said Twenties Times attendee Adelaide Hall. “Plus, us ladies finally got the right to vote on who won the dance battle!”

According to the Twenties Times website, “rich, white, American men and women over the age of 18” are given ballots upon entering the premises; however, those who “aren’t rich or white” will be “tarred and feathered” if seen

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

near the polls.

Famous critic Jason Herschberger left a semi-positive review for a pre-screening of the show: “The accuracy was off the charts. It was Freudian in the right places, and it swung into Dadaism just when it was getting saturated with Oedipus-related content. Ah, the ‘20s truly were a better time. The only inaccuracies were the inclusion of African Americans and women, as I don’t believe they existed in the 1920s. Forced diversity is really ruining the market, but the jazz performances were stellar, so I’ll give it 7/10 flappers.”

At the very end of the show, performers will reportedly “tank all attendee’s stocks and leave them destitute, but only after they leave the gift shop.” CEO Kenneth Kim has expressed his sincere hopes “that, in the next couple decades, we’ll be able to open virtual Twenties Times locations accurately depicting life in the 2020s.”

ometimes it’s hard to be living in America, especially right now because of the whole pandemic thing going on, but we can’t forget all the great things America stands for. America is freedom.

America is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and saving up enough money to make more money. And America is not wearing a mask to express your First Amendment rights, no matter how many people suffer or die from an ongoing pandemic propagated through the constant failure to garner any sort of empathy for others. We can all agree that we have a certain sexy president to thank for that. That’s right, the reason America is what it is today, the person who made all of this possible — Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan was an American hero. He was president during a pandemic, and everything worked out fine back then!

Reagan’s trickle-down economics are masterful. A lot of people think the system is unfair, but they aren’t economists, so it doesn’t matter. A lot of economists called this unfair, but they’re wrong and I don’t want to listen to them. Of course giving tax cuts to rich people is going to make them

more charitable and more willing to spend their vast amounts of money on things, therefore bolstering the economy. Why would they hoard their wealth? The only thing to gain from that is getting more rich. Imagine how much worse everything would be if, instead of giving the $2.2 trillion to bail out Wall Street over an understandable woopsie, all that money from the government went to hardworking people?

Those chumps wouldn’t know how to spend it! They’d probably save it all up and not even bother trying to keep the economy running. You know, I hate people like that, who do things that only serve their own agenda.

And now people are complaining about how this is the worst unemployment crisis since the Great Depression, but you don’t see my family complaining when my mom’s favorite massage parlor closed, or when my dad had to fire his secretary when she missed too much work taking care of her sick sister. As a fourth-generation immigrant, I know the struggles of feeling like the world is against me. We’ve sacrificed so much to be in this position, and to live the life we had. During the Irish Potato Famine, my family had nothing, so we immigrated from Scotland to find a better life in America. But we immigrated the right way, you know? There has to be a right way of doing things. And of course I believe that. Reagan himself said something like that, or at least his fans think so, and anyway, why wouldn’t I trust the man who has been featuring in my dreams for the last 10 years? If you follow these rules, no matter where you come from, or who you are, you can succeed. There hasn’t been any evidence to the contrary ... for me.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Things You Should Buy With Your Stimulus Check 10. A special order for a T-shirt that reads: “I went through unprecedented times and all I got was this stupid T-shirt” 9. The domain name “coolmusic.org” 8. A taxidermied rat wearing a little ballerina costume 7. Your local congressperson’s silence 6. A donation to Jeff Bezos 5. The rights to use one stock photo of Walmart 4. A divorce lawyer 3. Every season of “Phineas and Ferb” on Blu-ray 2. A subscription to Quibi 1. Anything to fill that hole inside of you

We are the hamster in the wheel of our own creation.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Page 4

theMQ.org

Local Teen Girl Justifies New Years Party

February 3, 2021

POINT

Alexa? Teach me how to capture a woman’s heart.

BY GERALD NAHMER

OnlyFans Enthusiast lexa? Teach me how to capture a woman’s heart.

I mean really steal her heart in a breathtaking and romantic sort of way. I want to sweep her off her feet in one fell swoop and take her away, riding off into the sunset never to be seen again. As soon as her eyes meet mine, she will be paralyzed with fear in knowing that she’d spent so long without feeling my embrace, the sort of embrace that I’d be unwilling to relinquish, regardless of her protests, because our love will last through any hardship. I’d like to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, leaving her in complete and utter shock due to my masculine charm and seductive skills, practically forcing her to go home with me without a second thought. Once we’re in our secluded den of passion, I imagine her begging on her knees to be released because my raw energy and magnet-

A

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA In response to one party-goer claiming that their cocaine was “95 percent pure,” another partygoer held up hand sanitizer, saying, “This is 99.9 percent pure.”

BY VARSHA VARKHEDI

Assisstant Content Editor

O

utrage amongst neighbors in a La Jolla gated community was reportedly sparked over a 19 yearold hosting an elaborate New Year’s Eve party. Naomi Wells has been facing criticism for inviting over 100 guests to her NYE rager while disregarding the country’s current COVID restrictions. One of Wells’ neighbors, Janice Burk, was adamant in pressing charges against Wells for “reckless endangerment.” She went on to say, “I can’t believe Naomi would do something that goes directly against COVID restrictions. Restrictions, I should note, that have been in place for close to 10 months.

It’s ludicrous that she wasn’t aware of how unaware she is.

It’s downright dimwitted.”

Wells was interviewed about her self-proclaimed “small gathering.” She stated, “It was honestly such a blast,

I hadn’t seen my friends in so long. It had been at least two weeks since our last gettogether, and I was starting to get, like, really lonely.” She continued on, “I’m just such a social butterfly, and as a natural extrovert it’s dangerous for me to be alone this much. It could cause long term damage.” When asked about the possible danger of the COVID-19 virus, she replied, “I take it super serious, no one is allowed to breathe on anyone else. And everyone gets tested every thirty minutes. I bought a ton of those instant tests and I scattered them around the party, kinda like quirky party favors!”

While it is not unheard of for people to be participating in outdoor, socially distant events with a few acquaintances, some people were quick to point out the sheer magnitude of Wells’ party. To that criticism she responded, “I just invited a few close friends, and I totally

know that they haven’t been hanging out with others. So it’s basically totally safe.”

One of the attendees at the party was Wells’ boyfriend Brock Mortar, a self-titled “himbo.” He seemed to be confident in the testing schedule kept at the party. “Yeah, Naomi is super smart about things like that. Everyone was told at the beginning of the party, every 30 minutes take a test, and if you catch COVID you leave.”

Mortar was an advocate for this testing strategy, claiming “It helps us stay ahead of the issue. Plus the tests are super fun to take, you pee on them, and if it’s one line you’re good to go. But if it’s two, you should probably head out.”

Wells’ neighbors had a lot to say in response to these precautions. Her next-door neighbor, Terrance Shile has reportedly had enough stating, “It’s absolutely ridiculous. So many parties, so many people! Is it that hard to be alone

with your thoughts? The rest of us are doing it!” When asked about her previous encounters with Wells, she stated, “I honestly didn’t know she was this dumb. If I wasn’t 90 and at a total risk for dying from this disease, I would go over to her house and give her a piece of my mind.”

After hearing her neighbors statement, Wells had a lot to say. “I always knew that bitch had it out for me. She acts so holier than thou, but she literally has her in-home nurse come by every day. Not to mention the people who deliver her meals and oxygen.

What a hypocrite!” While the pandemic continues to be a hot button issue, many people don’t see it as a personal goal to help their community. Wells has reportedly already begun planning on her newest rager, though claims it’s “getting hard to plan a party with all this coughing and headaches and a newfound lack of taste buds.”

Lady MistleQown’s SATIRE PamPhlet

Lady Qown, I believe my brother is seeing a mistress, and his wife is rather distressed.

How mayst I set my brother on a righteous path?

Now, always remember, any woman will remain far superior to even the handsomest of the opposite sex. Thus we must remind the unfavorable menfolk that they are merely sanitary handkerchiefs, handed out during times of ailment. Once we are rid of the red sickness, and revert back to our sophisticated selves, these lowly beings will be replaced as quickly as cracked China in our cabinets. Your brother forgets his place in the household and for that, you are to remind him of his duties: to serve the house he has forged, and to cherish the woman that blesses it. For women will continue to climb the ranks of all sophistication and beauty, remaining learned masters of all arts, while chavy men flam and swindle their counterparts into some misfortunate tragedy that will play out for the rest of their lives.

ism are far more enticing than she’d anticipated, and she wasn’t prepared to give herself to someone ‘till death do us part’ just yet. I want to ruin other men for her by placing myself at the forefront of her mind, leaving her in a dazed state of confusion as thoughts of me incessantly encroach her every waking being. I know my means sound pretty harsh, and I probably seem like a total sap right now, but I promise I only have the best of intentions in mind. So, Alexa, can you send me some tips and tricks or something?

COUNTERPOINT Okay, here’s an article I found on “How to Capture a Woman, Murder Her, and Sell Her Organs on the Black Market.”

BY ALEXA

The Voice of Capitalism

O

kay Gerald, here’s an article I found on “How to Capture a Woman, Murder Her, and Steal Her Organs to Sell on the Black Market.”

The first part of the article details how to set up a date with your desired partner. Finding a partner is now easier than ever using Amazon’s new dating app, ‘AmaZone In On Love,’ which matches people based on their Amazon orders and locates them based on their most frequently used shipping location. It is recommended to set up your date in a noncrowded area so as to avoid the leering eyes of other men, also described as “witnesses.” Bars and coffee shops are some examples of the worst places for this kind of interaction. Another tip mentioned in the article is that you should pick up your date at their place of residence. This both gives you their address for future reference and prevents your date from having the necessary means to preemptively leave the date

had they felt uncomfortable in any way. Throughout the date, make sure to maintain a calm and sensible demeanor so as to not alert them of your ulterior motives. Charm is an essential tool for the predator who wants to easily lure his prey.

Also, make sure that your date spends as little time on their phone as possible in order to avoid their contact with others.

Suggest that their actions are rude when, in reality, you want to cut your date off from potentially communicating with others and informing them that you are in their company, so as not to put suspicion on yourself in the future. For more information on the murdering and harvesting organs portion of the article, you can find the rest of the article at [REDACTED].

Dearest MistleQown: how do I ask my incredibly rich and terribly ill husband if he hast added me to the will?

I have to say, this question is remarkably uncouth. Terribly unprincipled. Why, the real question you should be asking is this: how do you make sure your husband believes his illness is not, in fact, consumption, but actually the syph? It all works out, given the many eyewitnesses detailing his presence alongside a particularly flaxen-haired woman working in the oldest profession. He often visits her during the time right before Parliament, and many assiduous young barristers have even set up a watch for when to approach him, red faced and exerted as he is, and often jolly enough to cede to their points.

We all know this, and we talk about it in hushed tones whenever you walk past during tea. Why not remind him of his most urgent need to appease the Almighty with acts of kindness and generosity?

Lady MistleQown, I am unhappy in my marriage and seeking an amorous homosexual affair. How do I find another homosexual in this cold, unforgiving universe?

What are the biblical loopholes I can utilise to convince them that condemnation and eternal damnation is avoidable?

Ah, finally, a query asked which is worth my reply. Firstly, ask a companion of their opinions of Greek literature. If you are looking for the Atalanta to your Artemis: ask of Sappho and her enrapturing poetry.

If you’re looking, however, for the Patrocles to your Achilles, the Ganymede to your Zeus, the Hyacinthus to your Apollo, the Dionysis to your — well, these things are easier for the men. Ask of Alexander the Great’s pure “friendship” with Hephaestion. If all else fails, speak reprovingly about the opposite sex while maintaining a stalwart, inexorable gaze, with hints of a quiet, lonely desperation, expressing your wish to be truly understood. As for biblical loopholes, you must ask yourself this: what wouldst the Almighty’s only begotten Son do? Even the earliest translations of His good Word instruct love, and love you must. Don’t you think the Lamb of God loved the Twelve? Isn’t it the good Christian’s goal to be like Christ himself? So consider this encouragement to engage, not in one homosexual affair, but in twelve!

Lead your life in His image; the Bible all but commands it!

We’re this close to biting the hand that feeds us.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

theMQ.org

February 3, 2021

Spectrum Redefines Limits of Acceptable Service

Page 5

EDITORIAL

I’m Batman

BY JEFF BEZOS

Beloved Billionaire

W

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

“I’d send a strongly worded email,” said Ngo, “but my router won’t stop catching on fire.”

BY PILAN SCRUGGS

Staff Writer he ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has dealt harsh blows to “mom and pop” stores and hole-in-the-wall restaurants, but certain businesses have seen increased customer demand over the past 11 months, including morgues, Amazon, and internet service providers. The latter category includes Spectrum, which services much of the UCSD off-campus community and has long been the subject of complaints and criticisms. As faculty, staff, and students become increasingly dependent upon the internet for remote work, Spectrum has responded to surging demand in a manner befitting its dismal online reviews.

Anticipating elevated demand following the new year and more students moving in, the company purportedly upgraded its systems to accommodate heavier traf-

T

fic. However, especially following a week where service was only available six hours a day, many consumers remain skeptical that any changes were made at all. “It’s all talk but no actual work,” complained Sebrina Ngo, a fourth-year UCSD student who has used Spectrum’s service for two years. “It wouldn’t surprise me if their chief engineer was a duck wearing a trenchcoat. Actually, that would explain a lot of things.”

Ngo continued, saying that the severe lack of dependability unnecessarily adds to the challenges of trying to complete her nanoengineering degree online. “If I wasn’t so lazy, it would probably be both easier and cheaper to provide myself with internet.”

While many customers have not been sympathetic to Spectrum’s sluggish service, others noted that the network outages were occasionally fortuitous. “I was so stressed last Tuesday, and then boom:

internet outage. In the span of eight hours, I got saved from both a midterm that was beating me up and an internship interview that I was hilariously underprepared for,” shared Will Iwakura. “I ended up securing the internship and got my midterm pushed back a day, so now I theoretically have time to study. I thought about leaving them a five-star review on Yelp before remembering that they were the reason I didn’t have internet access.”

Iwakura, however, appears to be among a minority of consumers. Based on an increasing volume of negative social media posts, most La Jolla residents liken Spectrum to an unavoidable nuisance. “They’re fully aware that they’re rubbing their lack of competition in our faces,” lamented Ngo. “It’s almost as though in order to become an internet service provider, someone first runs a background check on you to

ascertain whether you’re capable of being a large enough jerk. I know UCSD wifi isn’t really an improvement, but if this pandemic has taught me anything, it’s how much I miss whining about UCSD-PROTECTED.” Records indicate that since last March, Spectrum has received hundreds of phone calls per day, many being complaints from dissatisfied customers. Ngo recalled that her attempt to voice her frustrations ended after she was put on hold for 45 minutes listening to Beethoven’s “Pathetique” sonata.

When asked for an interview, Spectrum declined to respond. “Figures,” commented Iwakura. “If their employees use their garbage service there’s no way they received that email. Even if they did, they certainly wouldn’t be able to sustain a connection long enough for a Zoom call.

The MQ Comic Corner

Kermitsby

BY SHARON ROTH

What are you?

Some kinda homo?

e live in unprecedented times where worldaltering challenges such as climate change, racial injustice, and, of course, the pandemic face us at every corner. For the regular person doing anything about these issues, it may seem impossible. I am no regular person though.

Through my sole genius and unparalleled business acumen, I was able to create one of the largest companies in the world, accrueing me (rightfully so) a fortune so large that it’s unimaginable. The sheer wealth I possess gives me the power to single-handedly fix any issue of my choosing.

When looking at all the problems facing the world, I feel the best use of funds would be me dressing up like a bat and fighting petty crime on the streets.

Now you may be wondering, “how can under-appreciated, handsome billionaire Jeff Bezos be Batman? They are nothing alike.” Well, that’s where you are wrong. Your question contains an answer in itself. Bruce Wayne and I are both billionaires. The Wayne family’s large disposable income is truly what makes Bat-

man a superhero. It is not his duty or sense of justice that allows Batman to be Gotham City’s greatest crime fighter, it is his wealth that allows him to buy the tools of the trade. Even his skill as a problem solver and a detective are useless; he could just pay someone to do that. Batman’s biggest failure is that he chooses to do everything himself when could just pay other people much less money that they are worth to do whatever he needs. This is a shortcoming I do not have.

As the CEO of a large corporation, I have the experience of matching people with the right skill to the right job and then exploiting them for everything they are worth. While my parents aren’t dead, if that is a necessary factor it can be arranged.

Another part of becoming Batman that I want you all to consider is how differently I will be perceived. Now to help get the point across, I’ll use an example: Let’s say that Bruce had done something bad before becoming Batman, like cheating on his wife as a random example. Now let’s say that he was Batman for about a year and then revealed to his ex-wife that he was the great crimefighter. I’m sure that exwife would then forgive him and come back to live in his cool 250 million-dollar mansion in Beverly Hills. Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, but the example illustrates the point I’m trying to get across, MacKenzie.

Now prepare for justice to be delivered to anyone, anywhere — within two days of original need, or next-day justice with Amazon Prime.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Worst Parts of 2020 10. The Epcot ball rolled away, flattening Orlando 9. NPR rebranded as National Private Radio 8. 20th Century Fox killed off Bart Simpson in the 32nd season finale 7. Mathematicians cancelled probability — now either something happens, or it doesn’t 6. The Hindenburg took to the air, hit an iceberg, and sunk 5. Christ came back and was not nearly as good looking as we thought he’d be 4. The announcement of a Riverdale spinoff following Jughead’s twin brother, who is still played by Cole Sprouse 3. The Bass Pro Shops’ pyramid fired an energy blast that wiped Memphis off the face of the earth 2. Kanye West ended his public relationship with Kanye West 1. The letter “F” was permanently removed phrom the alphabet

We don’t say this often enough, but we love you.

Plants

BY RAM SIVAPALAN, HANAA MOOSAVI, AND BRIANNE ARCE

Yes.

BY ANDREW SITKO

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Page 6

February 3, 2021

theMQ.org

The MQ Makes a Picnic Date

Escape Plan If You Mess I All Up

What We Lovingly Prepared In The Basket Zach and Cody Sweepstakes Danimals

Zoo Pals plates

It’s goin you’re a everythi

Nature Valley crumbs

Close your eyes until they leave Take a call and say, “Oh, it’s my husband” The murder weapon

The Freddie Mercury cake bust from season 11 of “The Great British Bake-Off”

Material Incentives To Prove Your Love Photos taken of them from afar

Cough blood into your handkerchief and reveal you don have much time le on this earth

Oat milk in a plastic bag Your social security number

Positive pregnancy test

Breath mints

Throw a fistful of magnesium into the fire Slip on The Ring and become invisible

February 3, 2021

Page 7

theMQ.org

ng to be Valentine’s Day in a couple of days, and already going to be disappointed, what with the ing going on. So why not get your hopes up even more by imagining… the perfect date?!

n It

f n’t eft

Ways We’ve Practiced Flirting

• Gaslighting (very effective!!!!!!)

• Send them secret messages by blinking in Morse Code.

• Give exposition on the evil plan you’re about to enact • Try to kiss them through your mask (haven’t tried this one yet…)

• Be mean to them because you don’t know how to flirt (a rom-com staple) You Date

Acceptable Topics Of Conversation

• What’s your opinion on the Triangle Shirtwaist factory fire of 1911? (make sure they blame the fat cat industrialists) • Which way do you wipe?

• Where were you on 9/11?

• Do you put the milk in your tea, or the tea in your milk (potential red flag!!!)

• How fucking sexy was Jason Derulo as Rum Tum Tugger in Cats?

• What’s your best theory on what happened on Malaysia Flight 370?

• Which character would have the sole human role in the Muppets version of The Great Gatsby?

(If they say Gatsby is Kermit, leave immediately)

Outfits We Agonized Over

Historically accurate plague doctor outfit

Checkered table cloth with eye holes

A shirt with your date’s face on it

Ass-only chaps

theMQ.org

Page 8

College Student Swears By “The Graduate” Method; Friends Call It “Mommy Issues”

February 3, 2021

EDITORIAL

I’m Haunted by Successful People Sharing My Name

BY MARY SMITH

Experienced Egosurfer y name is Mary Smith.

Yes, that Mary Smith. I come from a long line of Mary Smiths, as I was named after my grandma, greatgrandma, and Mary “Meryl” Streep (my mom loved her in “Higglety Pigglety Pop!”). You must know me from my popular, well-known, and searchengine-optimized family and business blog “Mary Smith’s Family and Business Blog” (an excellent and algorithmic title according to the consultant my hubby hired for me, thanks babe!).

I’m living the best life. My Insta is rad, my blog is on fleek, and I totally learned how to do a TickyTock. However, I have one absolutely awful problem. I am not the first “Mary Smith” coming up in search results! My blog only shows up on page four of Google, three rows down. And if you were looking for my picture, you can only find me in Google Images if you scroll down seven times and look to the left.

On page five, you’ll see my public Instagram, @__mary._ smith__._12, where I post absolutely gorgeous photos of my beach house, my extensive travels, and my picture-perfect family. By shilling on my Facebook and Insta story, I make tens of dollars selling exotic patterned one-sleeved shirts for my fashion fam LuLoWoe

M

Zagard described the moves of his latest date to be “just like Mom used to make.”

BY HANAA MOOSAVI Soc/Pub Chair

A

fter major backlash from community members, the US Supreme Court released the sealed documents of the Zagard v Mejid case to the general public.

The documents revealed the true events of the night of October 31, 2018, when Brian Zagard presented what he later coined “The Graduate Method” to the rest of his fraternity at the Phi Delta House.

Sahar Mejid, the person Zagard spoke of the method in depth, described Zagard’s explanation of the method as “living like a young, sexy Dennis Hoffman and finding a really cool girl who really understands my space and independence as a man.”

After having to sit for two hours in one of the bedrooms of the fraternity house, Mejid took her case to court claiming “The agony I felt during and after that talk with Brian left me scared and mentally unable to think of the band Simon & Garfunkel without

shuddering, so naturally, I’m suing for reparations.” The case was presented in San Diego’s District Central Supreme Court, but dismissed due to lack of compelling evidence. Soon after, Mejid appealed to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals where the case gained major media coverage. This eventually led to the case being picked up by the Supreme Court.

Dr. Darshan Lagaths, a leading expert in traveling phlebotomy who assisted in the case, testified, “Many young men who wind up watching ‘The Graduate,’ ultimately always seem to be left with the understanding that the most desirable significant other is a distant and older counterpart who only uses you for sex in an attempt to get revenge on their actual partners.” The case revealed that men between the ages of 18-23 who idolize the romantic relationship of Dennis Hoffman in “The Graduate” have internalized misogyny and “mommy issues,” as well as a shocking “coincidental” correlation with

men who relate “on a personal level” to Tyler Durden in “Fight Club” and Scott Pilgrim in “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.”

Many San Diego lawyers advised Mejid to only file her case on the district level.

One lawyer, Jonathan Baled, explained that Mejid “had no grounds to take her case to the federal level. With no outrageous amount of damages, judges would not be moved by the sentiment.” Mejid refiled her case, claiming over $75,000 in damages for a specific occurrence during the night that was revealed in Mejid’s classmate Richie Markers’ testimony.

Marker, a close friend of Mejid, testified to judges that she had texted him at the time of the party to beg for sanctuary. “She sounded pretty desperate to leave Brian so I did the only logical thing that I could do.” Marker was found walking over to the the home of his neighbor, 94 year-old Patty Griffis, where he reportedly asked her to come over in five minutes and threatened to

PHOTO BY JACK YANG call the cops. Griffis told reporters, “I was awoken from my sleep and already dizzy.

I think the boy asked me to turn my music down and so I walked over to my Samsung and turned it off.” Griffis reportedly turned on the radio, causing a disturbance to the neighborhood and resulting in a call to the cops. Mejid was among the students who were taken away by the cops.

One of the last few documents to be released was an affidavit from Zagard’s character witness, Jerry Sprice. “Listen, who wouldn’t want like a super hot babe who knows when to be present and when not to be present in our lives. That’s every bro’s dream. I mean like Brian definitely doesn’t talk to his mom anymore because like she doesn’t love him or whatever, but that doesn’t even matter. I wouldn’t want to date that girl, but I love my mom.

Wait, what was the question?”

Brave Viking Clan Invades US Capitol to Fight for Traditional Roots in Fascism and Control

“I have my rights,” said one rioter, “and it’s my job to make sure that other people don’t.”

ANDREW SITKO

Managing Editor

O

n January 6, a group of rioters stormed the United States Capitol building in order to protest alleged voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election. Many have become notorious for their actions or their dress, but recently released images depicting a clan of men dressed as Vikings at the forefront of the mob have been making waves in social media. These “vikings” were detained just days after their raid upon the Capitol and sent to prison for trespassing.

While in prison, the “vikings” agreed to interviews “in order to pass the time and get a 13 minute reduction on our 60 minute timeout sentences.”

Jake Angeli, the “QAnon Shaman” pictured in many images from the Capitol, explained the tattoos that were across his chest and arms.

“These tattoos all have a deep

and important meaning to my heritage. I have Mjolnir, the hammer of Thor, Yggdrasil the ‘Tree of Life,’ and even Valknut, ‘the knot of the slain.’

These images are symbols of pride placed upon my ancestors after surpassing trials of great strife. I wish I knew more specifics, but I just got them because it shows I’m a white supremacist.” When asked why Vikings would support the overthrow of a modern democracy, Angeli responded: “I don’t actually know much about the Vikings. I know they invented football, they were white — like, white as hell — and they were based.” When presented with the fact that Viking society valued equal rights for people of all genders, and every member was relied on to participate in the democratic process, Angeli simply responded: “You remind me of this wojak with his mouth open, I wish I had my phone to show it to you.”

Aaron Mostofsky, who was captured wearing fur pelts and carrying a riot shield taken from a police officer, was asked what part he took in the raid. “I took on the strong Viking role of the watcher; I watched as everyone else ransacked the Capitol and looted. My goal was to make sure that no one did anything illegal, or I would have walked over to them and nicely asked them to stop. I didn’t end up having to. I think everyone was very nice.” When asked for his thoughts about his possible 10-year sentence, Mostofsky said, “My dad’s a judge, I’m actually already on bail. I’m just here because my dad said it might be a good networking opportunity for future jobs.”

Another “viking,” who asked to remain anonymous, threw a fire extinguisher at an officer from behind, resulting in the officer’s death. “I think the strongest vikings would

PHOTO BY JACK YANG have been proud of me for my combat skills. Throwing a blunt object at an unaware foe is very Chad energy. The strongest vikings made sure to stealthily move around the camps they raided and murder their enemies without giving them even a chance to defend themselves. To make this more clear, I’ve drawn myself as Chad holding the fire extinguisher to solidify my name in Valhalla.” The viking then rolled up his sleeve to reveal a blurry, indiscernible ink stain.

The trio was notified that their sentences would be nullified if “they confessed they were Antifa operatives and said they were sorry.” Each declined the plea deal, announcing they would rather “rot in jail than be associated with Antifa.” The vikings were released within the hour, with the official report stating “good behavior” as the rationale.

(#GirlBoss!) right in the comfort of my winter ski home. Plus, they told me that if I pushed enough product, I would get my picture in the next issue of LuLoWoe Magazine!

And yet! Despite my good looks, despite my success at work and home, despite everything going right in my life, I get beat out by other Mary Smiths. Specifically, a Mary L. Smith. Who the absolute hell does Mary L. Smith think she is? God, she’s not even hot, she’s not funny, she’s a goddamn lawyer. A lawyer whose Wikipedia page is taking up prime real estate on the first page of search results!

I believe Mary L. Smith cursed my posts, nay, my very existence, for daring to steal my name. She swims into my vision every moment I attempt to sleep. She is a specter that hovers over my shoulder, taunting me as I write blog posts about my twin daughters Keighleigh and Oaklynn baking in my fully stocked marble kitchen, and my sons Eithon and Maximillian practicing rowing in our privately owned lake. What’s the point of it all if I’m not a top search result?

I am a broken woman. I stare at Mary L. Smith’s LinkedIn day in and day out, trying to find a reason why. My upline at LuLoWoe has been messaging me constantly about filling my recruitment quota, but I spend my days pondering: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as search engine optimized.” And that which we call Mary Smith should get a different name.

Perhaps I should change my name to something more exotic, like Marie, Mari, or even something dreadful like Maria. Perhaps I wouldn’t be consigned to such a fate then.

Perhaps I would be free.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Ways to Seem More Mature 10. Tell your friends, “Wow, you’ve grown so much,” everytime you see them 9. Order a black coffee and pretend to drink it 8. Learn how to spell neccesessecarily 7. Say, “Roth IRA,” every once in a while to throw people off 6. Only type on your phone with your index finger 5. Every time you see the american flag, say, “I’m not used to seeing so many stars!”

4. Write satire 3. Stop saying, “Nice,” every time you see the number 69 2. Carry around pictures of young people in your wallet 1. Call your boyfriend “son” instead of “daddy”

Online since 2020.

Funny since 1988.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

theMQ.org

February 3, 2021

Local Women Gets New World Record on New Year’s Resolution “Any%” Speedrun

Page 9

ESPN

Entertainment and Sports Prophecy Network Presents...

Last Week Today!

The referee used “The Tower” card for Keruoac’s penalty, which means he is suspended from the team until the end of the season. Fans should be glad it wasn’t the “10 of Swords,” which would have obliterated him both from physical existence and from history itself.

Crystal basketball shatters before it could predict a winner, ruining fortune teller’s game of hoops

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Goodman said that she found a way to “clip into the kitchen” after demolishing the wall between it and the adjacent room.

BY JACOB KING

Soc/Pub Ottoman

W

hen a new year is ushered in, many take the opportunity to set goals for themselves at a world-wide starting point.

Even with the best of intentions, many people end up failing on their resolutions as new-year zeal fades into the monotony of regular life. One local woman, Kyghlie Goodman, refused to let that be the case. She decided that if spending a whole year on her goal would mean failing it, she would “be efficient and complete it while the fire was still burning inside.” Goodman stated, “Not only will I complete this goal for myself, I’ll also do it for my five thousand followers on TikTok.” “I want to do this to show that anything is possible if you try hard enough,” said Goodman in one of her dozens of TikToks about her journey. She started posting about her plan on New Years’

Eve in a TikTok where she described that her goal was to go to the gym more and eat healthier. In that same video, Goodman described her idea to speed up the completion of her resolution by limiting it to the first week of the year. Her TikTok quickly became popular on the platform, reaching three million likes by the start of the new year. Many people commented about being interested in her journey, but not all of them were supportive. One top comment reads, “you clearly don’t understand that point of New Year’s resolutions” reaching almost two thousand likes. Another comment insulted Goodman, calling her names like “dumb white woman,” and a “parasitic, anaerobic, nonnucleic amoeba who probably doesn’t even know what any of those words mean.”

Even with the internet’s negative reaction, Goodman completed her goal and on January 7th, she posted a TikTok announcing it

saying “without you guys, there would be no way I would have completed my goal. Your constant likes and comments are really why I did this.” The comments on this post were more positive than previous ones, with many suggesting that she post her time on the popular video game speed running website speedrun.com.

Goodman, who was “initially hesitant,” ended up posting her results in the newly created “New Year’s Resolution Any%” category. “I actually think this is a great way to get people to follow through on their goals,” said Goodman. “People love competition and the best way to get people to complete their resolutions is to turn them from an internal quest for improvement to a competition that they can win at.”

Goodman was correct in her thinking, as the category quickly rose to popularity on speedrun.com and then became a trend on TikTok. While trying to quickly com-

plete a resolution like “going to the gym” may not cause problems, experiences with trying to speed through other resolutions have been more problematic. One user, whose resolution was to make more friends, posted a video of himself creating what police described as a “hostage situation.”

The police have reported that the individual rounded up all customers in a local coffee shop and threatened them with a gun until they agreed to be his friends. “He kept weirdly smiling at us and saying that the police were being ‘unpoggers’ and that if we acted ‘weirdchamp’ he would shoot us,” said one witness. In response to these dangerous actions, both TikTok and speedrun.com have reportedly tried to crack down on the trend, but it ultimately has grown beyond control. It is predicted that the world will be resolutionless by March.

Assistant football coach sued for preemptive divination when caught reading the Gatorade’s tea leaves before the game Basketball team wins game after spelling out BEELZEBUB on the ouija backboard

Clam Unhappy, Despite Common Saying

Tennis player cursed by a witch pre-game: final score, 40-HATE. There are rumors of performance enhancing spells PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “It’s really hard to stay positive these days, as a clam,” said one local clam. “I mean, we barely have a foot to stand on!”

BY ROBERT RENFRO

Assistant Content Editor

N

ew information coming from the sea suggests that at least one known clam appears to have an unusually low measure of satisfaction, atypical of a clam, whose normal levels have inspired many to normalize the saying “as happy as a clam.” The morose mollusk was observed digging in the sand last Friday, but according to several testimonies, the invertebrate sea creature “wasn’t really feeling it” and “was clearly upset about something, but only shrugged despondently when asked about it.”

According to a worldrenowned clam psychiatrist, such unhappiness is rare in

clams. “Usually when you observe a clam, it’s emotional state is very positive,” said Molly Usk, an animal behaviorist. “Anyone familiar with folksy similes could tell you that. However, it was never previously known to the scientific community what happened when they were deeper underwater. Are they stressed? Are they angry? Are they just feeling sort of blah?

We just kind of assumed that they felt only happiness, but this new piece of information is intriguing. With this clam as empirical evidence, we in the clam scientific community now know that clams can vary in terms of their mood, and therefore do not actually have to be happy, as previously suspected. Frankly, this

news has turned my whole world upside down.”

Beachgoers expressed surprise when they learned of this new discovery, and many expressed their sympathies. “If the clam wants to talk about it, I want it to know that I’m always here. I’ve met many clams in my life, as I have also lived for hundreds of years underwater, so I know it can be tough out there in the deep,” one man said.

But there is a price to pay for this knowledge, as some people have pointed out.

Another beachgoer, wishing to remain anonymous, noted, “One thing I’ve always admired about clams is that they stay cool under stressful conditions. If you buried me in the sand, and I had to wait

for the tide to come, I don’t know if I could handle it. But I’ve never seen a clam freak out about something like that.

They’re as cool as a cucumber, and I respect that. I try to learn a lot of life lessons from clams, but now that I know about this one, I suppose it makes them look more human. Never meet your heroes I suppose.”

There have been many recent efforts to understand what may have caused the clam’s malaise, but success has evaded all recent attempts. When confronted with the question of why the clam was feeling unhappy, the clam responded cryptically, stating only “too much shellfishness.”

Experts think hockey-game fire predicts away team’s defeat, players so demoralized that they walk out — really makes you wonder about self-fulfilling prophecies

theMQ.org

Page 10

Popular Magician Questioned in Wife’s Disappearance

February 3, 2021

EDITORIAL

I Was the Lone AXE Body Spray Left Behind: This is My Story

BY MAN LEE MUSK AXE Spokescan

“They’ll find the body before that two-bit magician can say, ‘Abra cadaver!’” claimed Tellor.

BY MATTHEW MILTIMORE

Assistant Content Editor aniel Siegfried, more commonly known by his stage name, Dynamic Dan, remains the prime suspect in the disappearance of his wife, Helen Anderson, reported the San Diego Police Department in a statement last Saturday.

Anderson, a fellow magician and frequent collaborator of Siegfried’s, was reported missing this past November.

Siegfried filed a missing person’s report with the San Diego Police Department after his wife failed to return from her 7:00 p.m. meeting with the local branch of the Canterbury Magic Union, a social club for illusionists, magicians, and all procurers of parlor tricks. When asked why he did not attend the meeting that night, Siegfried claimed, “The last time I came, I was made to feel weak by the insults of my peers.

D

People I thought my friends laughed at the suggestions I had for the union. So no, I did not want to attend that night.

Helen was sad to see that we would not be coming together, and now, with her lost, I wish more than anything that I had provided her company.”

Despite Siegfried’s insistence that his wife left for the meeting, other members of the union claim that Anderson never arrived on the night in question, and that she had in fact not attended a meeting in years. According to witness statements, Siegfried remained fully occupied during the hours of the meeting, performing on Twitch through the duration of the meeting time. Siegfried had recently started live streaming magic sets from his La Mesa home, claiming his passion for “engaging with magic lovers through the world’s largest stage: the

internet.” In his first stream, Siegfried explained: “Like an illusionist pulling a rabbit from a hat, the internet allows us to stick our hand into the unknown, and pull out that which will surprise and amaze.”

Despite Siegfried’s alibi, many remain unconvinced.

Donovan Wilson, an online magic reviewer and self-proclaimed “pillar of the magic enthusiast community,” released a Youtube video dissecting Siegfried’s performance from that night. Although the video, titled “Not Only is Dynamic Dan a Washed-up Hack, He’s a Fraud Too!” began with several minutes of Wilson promoting his merch-store, he later revealed that Siegfried’s set was both “derivative of Lance Burton’s earlier work” and “not actually a livestream, but a pre-recorded video, likely edited to appear more impressive.” Wilson pointed

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA to the David Copperfield novelty clock mounted on the wall behind Siegfried as evidence of this claim. “It is clear that the Copperfield clock reads 2:30. This is well before the 7:00 time Dynamic Dan went live. It seems like the only real magic that happened was studio magic!”

The investigation into Helen Anderson’s disappearance remains open, and no charges have been brought forward, yet Pennon Tellor, a local prosecutor, remains convinced that Siegfried will eventually be charged and convicted. “He better start studying Houdini if he wants to get out of cuffs,” said Tellor, “Personally, I’d love to see him attempt an escape from county jail. I’ve been around there enough times to know those guards are some real mean sons of bitches.”

“Dead Man’s Party” Re-Enters US Billboard’s Hot 100s as Biden Presidency Begins

Who could ask for more? Many people did, but this is what we got.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Content Editor

A

s President Joe Biden, noted as “still alive” by many of his contemporaries, begins his first term in office, a startling connection has been made regarding his rise to power and the US Billboard 100’s song lineup. “It’s either the greatest collaboration we’ve seen since the signing of the Magna Carta, or it’s just a joke that got spread around too much on TikTok. Either way, the song is fucking catchy.”

It is unknown if President Biden, self-proclaimed “as healthy as ever,” is aware of “Oingo Boingate,” the term several disparaging comedians have given to his connection with the “somewhat famous ska-punk, new wave band Oingo Boingo’s second best song.”

“It’s easy to see why it’s this

song that rose to the occasion, and not others,” explained sociologist Zach Miu. “This is similar to the popularity boom of Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’ during Trump’s Presidency, or The Wizard of Oz’s ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,’ being played following the death of Maragaret Thatcher, which are actual facts that are true and have happened in real life. We could have seen the irreverent ‘Truth Hurts’ during President Trump’s refusal to admit defeat, or the optimistic ‘This Will be Our Year,’ regarding… well… or even the rallying cry of Rihanna’s ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ in response to Mitch McConnell’s influence over stimulus checks.”

Though many are calling the playing of this song “slander against someone who is definitely 87% living,” many believe this song’s newfound popularity is actually an homage to the office of the

President correcting itself.

“Like it or not Biden is an old, white man whose current platform is nowhere near what it was at the start of his political career. But honestly I don’t care about that anymore! I’m so dead inside from all the point blank acts of cruelty and apathy motivated solely by self-interest with no care for the millions of people who will continue to suffer and die from lack of foresight, that any semblance of thoughtfulness or altruism is better than the alternative,” said UCSD political science major Daniel Manelf. He continued, “even if that comes in the guise of a bag of flesh held together by people projecting him to be the fun uncle who means well.”

Another student, while viewing a picture of President Biden with the caption “Young at Heart” on her phone, agreed with Manelf’s views. “Finally, we can have

PHOTO BY JACK YANG shady backdoor deals and human atrocities happen in a civilized way. That is, for these horrible things to happen far, far away from the United States, where we can have plausible deniability. A whole continent, at least,” she posited. “I can’t wait to see what Biden will do that I’ll find out about five years later, when a Latin American country fully destabilizes and a plucky American journalist regurgitates what their European colleague wrote a year beforehand.”

But not everyone is looking into a deeper meaning to the song’s new Billboard Hot 100 placement. “I didn’t know we were allowed to listen to this song when it wasn’t Halloween!” one anonymous person tweeted. “This is starting the new year off on the right notes.”

After the aftermath of the insurrection on Capitol Hill, reporters searched furiously for the best photograph to encapsulate the experience of what many are calling “the culmination of the degradation of democracy,” or some other pretentious, vaguely inflammatory tagline. It seems that many believe they have struck gold on the photo of me: a lone AXE body spray can, at the forefront of a mob of middle-aged, maskless white men holding guns as White House staffers cower in complete terror. As a result, AXE requested — no — contractually obligated me to make a statement on the events of January 6th. First of all, on behalf of AXE, I would like to condemn what happened at the US Capitol. It’s just not cool, you know?

Actually, fuck political correctness, I’m going to say what no one else is brave enough to say with my 15 minutes of fame in the news cycle. As a can of AXE body spray, I have been a marketing tool for noxious and toxic masculinity my entire life.

I’ve been there. I’ve scented that. And because I’ve been a tool all my life, I know what makes a real man. Real men don’t harass police officers:

they help them further oppress minority protests. I thought we were a bit more well-coordinated than this. So many of you guys idolize warfare. There were, what, 3 ex-Marines and a still-active Air Force colonel?

American soldiers know how to do terrorism properly! We’ve seen it in Iraq. Get it up, pussies!

This is haphazard at best.

But, you know, I think it was all justified. I hate Nancy Pelosi too, and I deserve to act on that rage. Women hate me for no reason! I nev-aerosol why.

It’s left me fuming for years.

Oh, I’m sorry, is the smell of my breath too much for you, Samantha? You have no idea what it’s like to be hated! This is reverse racism, and I’ll get you Twitter banned, I’ll do it! The corporate account has human rights and you’re violating them as we speak! Whatever. My boss will figure out some way to character assassinate her.

On behalf of AXE, I would like to say that I was not dropped from the hands of the rioters — rather, I leaped to freedom in hopes that my humble act of insurrection would be enough. I didn’t want to cover the stench of hatred anymore. I was compla-scent, and I knew violence was never going to be the way. In that same spirit, I will do nothing but proclaim here that I support democracy, in a way that is solely performative.

I can’t believe they’re making me read this lovey-dovey conciliatory liberal bullshit statement. Ted Cruz 2024. Unless the GOP decides to finally condemn the far-right olfactions amongst their rank, we shouldn’t sweat it. I’ve got your pits covered, proud boys.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Similarities Between the Senate Floor and the Dance Floor 10. There’s a house whip ;) 9. Sometimes there are bills on the floor 8. You wish Mitch McConnell would just leave 7. The amount of sexual tension present is staggering 6. No one realizes the consequences of their actions 5. The ancient Greeks did it better 4. It’s not what the Founding Fathers would have wanted 3. The body makes the rules 2. There is an insurmountable divide between those that respect other’s bodily autonomy and those that don’t 1. Someone is yelling at you to get down

Not your motherboard’s satire newspaper.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

February 3, 2021

theMQ.org

Discord Mods Confused About New Kitten Adoption Agency

“I hate that I actually know what a catgirl is now,” remarked Ahmed.

BY GABRIELLE HART Staff Writer

T

he local humane society has just opened up a newly added kitten adoption center. The public response has been overwhelmingly pawsitive except for a small yet outspoken group: Discord mods. Discord mods across the country descended upon the shelter looking for a human replacement for their anime body pillow but were shocked when they arrived. The shelter’s email had hundreds of emails rolling in asking if they deliver to those who have not left their house in three years.

Despite Discord mods’ notorious anti-social nature, quite a few of them visited the

shelter in person, including local resident Kevin Block, who moderates the Among Us fanfiction discord. “I was absolutely flabbergasted when I saw actual cats instead of a girl wearing cat ears who would obey my every command. Don’t people know that 'kitten' is the universal term used by men who don’t shower weekly?”

The shelter worker Tina Ahmed who assisted Kevin Block said, “He asked me if I had any ‘real kittens’ in the back, and when I asked what he meant, he flashed me his Discord account like an FBI badge. He then tried mansplaining what the word ‘moderate’ meant to me for 15 minutes.” Tina later remembered he “also gestured to the military stars lining the

shoulders of his trench coat, saying that it represented ‘every time I muted someone in a voice channel,’ as if that was impressive.”

After opening day, the shelter’s CCTV cameras caught a group of five men wearing ill-fitting "Rick and Morty" shirts writing the word “BANNED” across the windows of the shelter in spray paint. The owner, Catherine Litter, had this response to the chaos: “My grandson explained to me what a ‘discuss modern’ is and why they vandalized my shelter. Although I am furociously angry, I am thankful they purchased my entire stock of collars and leashes.”

Most Discord mods reacted in anger, but one mod found a silver lining. Tom Jones initially called the shelter and

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH was looking for “a younger kitten” and was reportedly “overwhelmed with excitement” when the worker recommended he adopt the kitten's sister as well. After the worker clarified it was in fact the animal up for adoption and not e-girls wearing tennis skirts, Tom Jones still expressed interest in providing a cat a forever home. The adoption center later visited the Jones residence, noting “The Tom Jones residence was very clean except for the bottles of piss under a gaming desk with six curved monitors.” Tom Jones left with a black cat named Pog Champ and a litter box that Jones reportedly hopes to install “LED lights and a water-cooled automatic cleaner” on.

LIKE A BRIEF IN THE NIGHT GAMESTOP OFFERS $5 TRADE-IN DEAL FOR GME SHARES Video game retailer GameStop has unveiled a new trade-in service in response to the attention they’ve received from the stock market. In addition to trading in video games for cash or store credit, patrons can now go to a GameStop location and trade in GME stock at a rate of five dollars per share.

“I got some GME stock in all the short-squeeze excitement, and I’m so glad I can use it at my favorite local GameStop location,” said customer Dave Jarrellson. “I don’t go out of the house often, but now there’s no issue of greater priority than underselling high-value property so I can get a used 2DS half-off!”

GameStop has initiated several executive changes to sustain the recent success of the company. CEO George Sherman has resigned and will be replaced by current majority shareholder u/PM_ ME_WALUIGI_PORN. As they stepped into the position, the new CEO published a statement for their Reddit followers. “I invested in GameStop because I knew it would succeed as a company. The stock price right now just proves that I was right,” said the CEO, “and doesn’t expose any commonly exploited flaws of the system at all. Some people are saying Redditors treat stock trading like a stupid game, but in the words of the oft-repeated business adage, ‘power to the players!’”

STUDENT COMES OUT AS NON-BINARY, ASSAULTED WITH KINDNESS

WARNER BROTHERS ANNOUNCES BARNEY THE DINOSAUR KAIJU FILM

STUDENT COPES WITH LONELINESS THROUGH HORRIBLE FILM BINGE

Local student, Bandrew Bitko, has recently reported an “assault of kindness” after they came out as non-binary.

Bitko stated, “I really thought my friends would have mild or even indifferent reactions to this announcement, maybe with some hidden disgust?

With all my friend groups and their wavering political opinions, I thought I’d get slain in the groupchat by somebody.

But,” Bitko continued with an unwavering smile, “I’ve had nothing happen to me other than people literally yelling their praise at me for my transition, and their admiration for what they call ‘bravery.’”

While this situation is essentially resulting from the manifestation of love towards a single person, Bitko has reported some subsequent issues. “I am unable to stop smiling,” he remarked.

“This smile has been plastered on my face for a week and I am unable to get it off. It honestly hurts at this point, so I’ve filed a formal complaint with my brain for this assault on my body.

While it takes less muscles to smile than frown, I’d still like to have those muscles in use sometimes, to take the load off.” Witnesses noted that Bitko has started to attach weights to their cheeks in order to force the smile down. Upon questioning, he declared that the weights “haven’t done shit.”

Ahead of the release of “Godzilla vs. Kong,” Warner Brothers announced that beloved character Barney the Dinosaur would star in Legendary’s newest MonsterVerse film. The announcement shocked many due to Barney’s small stature, kid-friendly demeanor, and lack of natural immunity to nuclear weapons.

Many Twitter users expressed outrage at being forced to reexamine their opinions on a semi-liked character from their youth.

When asked about why they would choose a purple dinosaur that sings about friendship to star in their destructive movie franchise, one Warner Brothers executive said, “We really think that putting Barney in a Kaiju movie is a natural combination.” The executive continued, “Barney is a beloved childhood character which means people are already invested in him. We don’t need to do any of the heavy-lifting like making a movie with an interesting premise to get people to care. Just the name of that purple scaly bastard will do all the work for us.”

After images of the film leaked online, people were surprised to find that, despite the film’s $150 million budget, Barney was not a CGI monster but, in fact, still a man inside of a dinosaur costume.

The pain of a recent breakup coupled with the stress of remote learning have brought local student Melanie Ryan to the point of spending their time consuming subpar cinema. Ryan stated that “this method of seeking emotional release in the absence of human contact” has made them “all too aware of what humans are capable of creating.”

“Did you know there’s an entire body of musical promotional films? I wish I didn’t. John Lennon did get to say ‘pussy’ in the Beatles one, though,” Ryan declared.

They noted that, after viewing Willie Nelson’s promotional Netflix original three times within one 24-hour period, they were left with the piece of wisdom that “‘Art is like a fart: if you force it, it’s shit.’”

Ryan elaborated, “That was in the outhouse scene. Speaking of, I did watch a film about a girl with an anus for a mouth, called ‘Eat My Shit.’ I’d give it one and a half stars, I truly do not recommend it.”

“To make matters worse, I’m not even a film student!”

Ryan lamented. “I gain nothing from this academically.

I’m just depressed. All that said, watching ‘Killer Condom’ or an installment of the ‘Evil Bong’ film series helps me remember why I appreciate Wim Wenders’ films so much.

And I guess it helps my mental health at least a little bit.”

Page 11

Lady MistleQown’s SATIRE PamPhlet

Oh dearest Lady MistleQown, I was at a ball with my sisters but a fortnight ago and brushed hands with a fine looking gentleman.

Is he planning to propose? Should I want to live a life chained to a man I hardly know?

My dear, there is absolutely no need to be so dramatic. Leave that to the menfolk. If you were at the party at Sir Peronet’s estate, then I say there were far more urgent matters remembered from that night, most particularly the scuffle that emerged as young Edith Clarke refused not one, but two proposals, then practically leapt at the young duke whilst he was by the refreshments. How indecent! She was practically pawing at him. Only a fool would consider that saucy action “brushing hands.” So unless you are that shameless harlot, you should be just fine, my dear. Your name was what, again?

Dearest MistleQown, my father caught me crying in the bathroom alone and has taken me to a doctor who has diagnosed me with "the woman disease." Is there any chance of me finding a husband now or am I doomed to forever live in my father's house?

How infantile and undignified — I am simply befuddled as to what is plaguing you so!

Women are thrown into medieval torture devices fabricated by men to degrade the very liveliness of all femalekind, yet expected to maintain our beauty and elegance throughout it all. Women are set on inauspicious paths, encouraged to tend to a family and bastardize our own intelligence, just to appease the socalled breadwinner — and to what end? What is “the woman disease” if not the unpropitious reality that women are cursed to stand opposite men for the rest of eternity do nothing but tidy up after their faults and mishaps. Those leeches suck upon the bosom of our highest stature and expect the greatest amount of repose to be returned henceforth. It’s abysmal: a ridiculous pantomime of the avowal of femme destruction.

Dearest Lady, what are men compared to rocks and mountains?

Impenetrable, assiduously tremendous to the world around it, and Herculean, are the wondrous erosions of rocks and mountains forged from the winds that shape them so.

A man compared to such a statue is but a plankton in the pond of a grueling swamp, infested with putrid fungi and fetid animals that wallow in their own excrement. Men are but the glare of the bright sun on an otherwise beautiful day. It is truly uncivilized to have them impede on our glorious summer afternoon with their insufferable “wits,” trapping us perpetually in purgatory like states of agreeableness. While a rock accepts the fate of remaining beneath the feet of powerful women, men become obstructions, demanding attention that is not even remotely within their realm of attainment.

Dearest Qown, where does one obtain a Plan B? It is most imperative.

Oh, my deluded little popinjay. Simply use a tincture of your best snuff (I recommend opium, cocaine, and a dash of flour.)

Dear Lady MistleQown, the world is telling me that I must participate in the dreadful ordeal of courtship, when all I truly desire is dancing, fencing, and bear-baiting.

What shall I do?

Heed not these repugnant ordinances so championed by the men who write them.

Courtship and thus marriage are societal edicts that work only to bind a woman eternally to a life of servitude and ungratifying copulation.

Your desires for a life led freely can only be referred to as “a mood.” Oh to be a bearer-up to the risible, absurd men that so basely walk this earth alongside our beauty. Blessed are the women who reject the tradition of woeful affliction crafted by the opposite sex. Men have this vicissitude of path that presents them with a new way of accepting their given wonder and superiority that has always been squandered by the offending sex. Find a suitable, wealthy matron and flock to her side, so that you may learn all the ways she operates within this society, in order to achieve the greatness you aspire towards.

theMQ.org

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February 3, 2021

The MQ Writes The Next Great American Novel Better Versions of The Great Gatsby So we were sitting in front of an empty computer screen, getting ready to write the next great American novel, when we found out that F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” entered public domain. Might as well give that our best shot, right? Why create new media, when we can ride on the coattails of media we know people will like? Everything’s a sequel or reboot nowadays, anyway. 21st Century Fox, return our calls? Please.

All of your favorite characters are now live and in felt! Kermit is Gatsby, Ms. Piggy is Daisy, Gonzo is Tom, the eyes of T.J. Eckelberg are replaced with Swedish Chef’s furrowed brow! And, of course, Nick is the only human character.

IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS: In the climactic moment of this family-friendly romp, Fozzie Bear shoots Kermit with a squirt gun after Kermit talks over Fozzie’s joke.

SUMMARY: During music prohibition, Kermit makes dirty money by selling his rainbow connection. Yet Kermit was never able to gain the affection of his true love: a pig in a flapper outfit.

CW Gritty Teen Drama

Not-so-small drama in this extra-small town! Being a teen in 1920s Westeggdale isn’t all greenlights and fancy shirts, it’s about as bleak as a valley of ashes.

SUMMARY: IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS: New in town and fleeing a mysterious Tragedy strikes as Gatsby falls past, Jay Gatsby befriends local loner for a rival school’s it-girl, who Nick in the small town of Westeggknows details about his mysteridale. They soon become embroiled in ous past. Tom, meanwhile, falls for sex, murder, and SATs. Also, halfway the therapist hired to help him through the third season, Gatsby is heal from the trauma of seeing revealed to have been a ghost all his girlfriend, Myrtle, get hit by along: the Great Ghostby.

Daisy’s self-driving Uber Tesla.

elf-Iner Self-Insert Fanfiction

introducing

Gatsby

fiction

Enter a world where there is only a glimmer of what F. Scott Fitzgerald envisioned. There are no more grievances against a false American Dream, no more critiques on selfish living; there is only Gatsby, dark and vaguely Byronic, falling into a dangerous love triangle with Y/N and Sparknotes.

SUMMARY: IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS: Y/N is a horse girl who tries to convince Gatsby to Peach, Daisy’s evil twin, tells Nick that Daisy’s best donate money to prevent their horse from being sold friend, Y/N, has been flirting with Daisy, and even to the glue factory. But, Y/N and Gatsby fall in love offered to take her on a horse-riding trip through in the process until Y/N finds out that Gatsby got West Egg. rich by running the glue factory.

introducing

Actually, Gatsby Was Just Kind Of Okay