The MQ Volume 27 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 10, 2021

“There are some funny emojis that we never use. Look at this: ---” - Jane Goodall, Primatologist and Conservationist

Volume XXVII Issue V

Almost out of jokes

Target to Hold “Birthday Season” Sale

IN THIS ISSUE UCSD BUILDS NEW STUDENT PARKING LOT IN ALASKA

3

UCSD STUDENT DISCOVERS GREAT TITS

5

THE MQ HOSTS A TEDX TALK

6,7

LOCAL FAMILY GOES ON ANNUAL SKA TRIP PONY NOT HORSING AROUND

8 11

NEWS IN BRIEF Annual birth rate goals were reached across all participating locations.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE Staff Writer

A

recent press release from the retail company Target announced plans to hold a major holiday sale in late May of this year in order to “celebrate the annual birthday season.” The sale will primarily focus on family products and items for newborn care.

“We wanted to offer our customers an opportunity to celebrate the birthday season with all the great deals we have to offer,” said Leah Swanson, a representative from Target Corporation. “The unusual theme of the sale is the product of a lack of any promotions during this niche part of the year. The absence of any major holidays for a two month period between Easter and the

Fourth of July was a perfect opportunity to provide customers great deals in the end of spring, while also celebrating something everyone can relate to. Everybody likes sales, so we decided to go with a time period which often doesn’t offer any deals for anyone. There are many holidays at the end of the year, but we at Target like to be at the forefront of innovation, so we found one in the middle of it.”

The sale will cover family products, as well as household appliances and electronics. In addition, the sale will also cover reproductive health products to “encourage more births in the future, thus creating an even larger birthday season.”

Additional coupons and deals will be available for people who have their birthdays dur-

ing the sale period. After being asked about what offers will be given to people who have birthdays outside of the sale, Swanson said that it would be “logistically impossible” to offer birthday season deals to people year-round.

Some market experts shared their doubts over the reasoning behind the sale.

“This whole birthday season ordeal doesn’t make any sense,” said market expert Tom Filler. “If it was something like the wedding season or moving season, that would make sense, but a birthday season is a bit too abstract and out of touch with reality. There’s no way they haven’t noticed that people have birthdays year round, right?” Fellow retailing giant Walmart issued a statement with intentions to

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA offer similar promotions, with also announcing their own “quarantine season” sale. “We want to celebrate quarantine with our customers, which is why we are doing this promotion,” said Mia Turner, a representative from Walmart. “It’s definitely not to steal customers away from Target. That’d be crazy.”

Target’s UCSD location will not be participating in the sale, with “the difficult logistics and a lack of celebration of birthdays among the campus community,” as well as “not feeling like it,” provided as rationale. “We feel like there is no real birthday culture here at UCSD,” said Swanson. “We don’t really see any prospects of one emerging in the future.

After all, this is UCSD we are talking about.”

Paddington The Bear Added to FBI’s Most Wanted List

After sampling Pooh’s honey, Paddington said, “Oh yeah! This shit is pure!”

EMILY CRONAN

D

Staff Writer

escribed as “wearing a charming button down, with surprisingly soft brown fur, and the ever-present scent of marmalade,” London resident Paddington “The Bear’’ looks harmless.

But to America’s top grade personnel, he is bearsona non

grata. Current Director of The Federal Bureau of Investigation Walrus Jon-Bovi stated “I haven’t seen a motherfucker this serious since Snowden, or maybe even Ivan the goddamn Terrible. He’s as notorious as a war criminal here in the States.”

“His crime?

Marmalade. His sentence? Execution — possibly worse,” said

LOCAL CAT HAS ALREADY LOST EIGHT LIVES

He’s not gonna be losing the last one to you

Jon-Bovi. He shared that the laborious killing device portrayed in Czech author Franz Kafka’s short story “In The Penal Colony” is fair grounds for “the hell he’s paid during the impenetrable Marmalade exchange which was, in reality, an international underground Jam trading route worth over seven billion dollars.” Paddington was last seen in Lon-

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH don, disappearing after a warrant for his arrest was issued by the FBI. Jon-Bovi’s longtime dislike for crushed fruit has made him a figurehead of the anti-spread movement, having previously petitioned for a series of laws to limit international jam and

See Paddington, page 2

LOCAL ARTIST TRIES NEW STYLE

Critics say it’s in bad taste

BRAVE SENATOR THWARTS HUMAN RIGHTS MEASURE On March 5, when counting a vote on whether or not to increase the federal minimum wage to 15 dollars by 2025, Kyrsten Sinema along with seven other Democrats voted against. Sinema’s playful bob as she gave the thumbs down sparked controversey online, prompting Sinema to “go on a vision quest” to “find the true” meaning of being congresspeople.

Following the vote, Sinema made a statement on her social media regarding

her findings. “Congress is not about advocating for the American people and what they really need, Congress is a chance to show how punctual you are when you deny those rights.” Following in the footsteps of Sinema, Mitt Romney said he has decided to dab whenever he votes against racial justice, and Maggie Hassan similarly reported she will do the “Coffee Grinder” on her desk when passing measures restricting immigration.

AREA MAN EXPERIENCES BRIEF SEXUAL THRILL AFTER SEEING SOMEONE UNMASK The emotion Raphael Fratangeli felt upon witnessing a complete stranger’s full, unmasked face was, in his words, a “combination of revulsion and arousal.” Commenting on his reaction, Fratangeli explained, “I mean, I can’t imagine being close enough to see a stranger’s full face nowadays. If you’re close enough to admire, you’re close enough to contract a deadly airborne disease, is what I always say.”

“It was like a strip tease, but just for the face,” said Fratangeli, reminiscing. “I was doing my daily night walks, which is my way of letting out some restless energy so I don’t rearrange

my furniture again. I was just about to turn back when I saw this woman opening the door to her home. She just … pulled at the elastic on the left ear, letting the mask cascade to the floor like a sensuous feather, and as she tugged it so carefully down, the mask gently caressed the place where her cheekbone and smile met. I was immediately entranced. I think I finally understand what all those repressed Victorians were talking about with their whole ‘ankles’ thing.

And it keeps happening.

I saw someone’s jaw the other day, and needed to lay down for the rest of the day in my boudoir.”

LOCAL PRE-LAW STUDENT MOURNED BY ALL The entire UCSD community is in mourning following the loss of local pre-law student, Shmexter Shmamilton. Known by his peers as “the kindest, funniest, most-stressed person they know,” Shmamilton moved on, leaving every person who knew him with a heart full of sadness.

“I’ve only known Shmexter for a little more than a year,” said one student, Kate Monroe, “but I would easily consider him one of my closest friends.

I’ll never forget how he would snap me every night with a low-quality picture of himself trying not to cry.”

Before his passing, Shmamilton was known around campus for his

“kind heart” and his “constantly anxious demeanor.”

Upon hearing news of his passing, one of Shmamilton’s professors remarked, “I saw that guy maybe one time in class. Whenever he actually submitted his work, it was decent, I guess.

To be honest though, he barely passed my class. I’m gonna miss that kid.”

Monroe and others will be holding an online memorial for Shmamilton over Zoom next Sunday. Prominent decorations will include a Zoom background proclaiming “Everything is fine,” and a mirror selfie of Shmexter surrounded by candles.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

March 10, 2021

Elon Musk Provokes Fight After Spitting On Lime Green Kia Soul

O

Soc/Pub Chair

n February 23, a dangerous fight broke out in the parking lot of a Jimbo’s grocery store in Jasentown, Georgia between resident Frad Bladaire and local billionaire Elon Musk. “I was just walking with my groceries, and I saw some egg suckin’ dawg standing near my Jerad!

That’s my car’s name. Jerad’s a Kia Soul,” said Bladaire, scowling. “And I mean dawg spelled with an ‘aw’ instead of an ‘o’.”

According to Christine Carson, who “just happened to pass by,” Musk was “checking himself out in the passenger window of the car and trying to hide his receding hairline.”

“He was takin’ a gander at Frad’s car’s winder and fiddling with his pretty-boy hair.

It looked like he was measur-

in’ his forehead when we saw him lean in,” Carson claimed.

“Next thing we know, he hocks a giant loogie into the winder he was looking at!”

Shortly after Musk spit on the car, Bladaire was seen sprinting through the parking lot. “I have never seen Frad so angry in my life. He looked like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote morphed into one large, mean, white man,” Bladare’s wife, Rusha, told the police. She continued, “He loves his lime green toaster car, so the fight was mainly about Frad’s hefty dose of God-given self-respect. Frankly, I’m just grateful he didn’t bring out Ol’ Trix during the fight.” Further questioning revealed “Ol’ Trix” is Bladaire’s name for his pump-action Remington 7600 shotgun.

Onlookers described the fight as “brutal.” Susie-Anne Abernathy, who watched

jelly production, a move opponents of his platform call the “War on Marmalade.” JonBovi said, “I don’t like pitted fruit of any kind. When I was a child my Nana told me that apricot stones were the devil’s eye looking for the perfect misbehaving little walrus to suck some fresh blood out of.”

The theories on Paddington’s whereabouts are endless, with many speculating how he may be hiding in luxury with fellow actors from movies rated 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. The FBI responded immediately to this speculation, proclaiming that any individuals harboring a fugitive of the law are subject to arrest, a statement the NAACP says is “reminescent of anti-communist sentiment present in Hollywood’s Red Scare era.” The official Paddington Twitter seems to remain oblivious to the possibility of infiltration, recently tweeting “Some lovely account marmalade to start my day! Jolly good” and, more shockingly, “Today Paddington learned malware injecting, off to a bloody great start!

Last week, an unconfirmed Instagram live stream lasting over 24 hours showed a frazzled-looking Paddington

from her cookie-selling table, said, “It was downright sad.

That one man ran so fast towards the other, and started beatin’ him bloody. The rich one was as weak as a newborn calf! He reminded me and my friends of when our daddies fight the mechanical bull at Jeremy’s Bar. The bull really tussles ‘em up, ya’ know?”

Jasentown residents have since been in uproar about the billionaire’s presence in the community. Many locals have spoken out about how Musk has changed the dynamics of the town. Christopher Hopp, at a recent town hall meeting, said “He just simply don’t belong. His… uh, wife? His girlfriend? A gal that got involved with a strange man and can’t go back? Uh, his whatever don’t eat no meat, and he drives a real doohickey. It’s real interestin’ to me and the rest of the town, but not interestin’

enough to keep him stayin’.

He thinks he’s such an important person ‘cause his car’s all fancy-like, but, when you get down to it, that don’t matter much ‘round here.”

As he was shoved into the back of a police car, Bladaire gave one last comment to reporters. “I saw red. The moment that got-damn onepercenter fool decided to hock a loogie onto my beautiful Jerad, that was the moment I was prepared to die.

Now listen, I know my car is a piece of absolute garbage, trash in its purest form, probably the grossest thing I have ever seen made into a vehicle — but at the end of the day it’s my piece of trash shit-car.”

Upon questioning, Musk only said, “What do you want?

A comment? Tell people to get better jobs and buy better cars, then I wouldn’t have to look at garbage like that in the parking lot.”

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Hey everyone!

Yet another production has come and gone, and as we approach one full year of quarantine, I want to raise a virtual glass to all of y’all!

We’ve been able to keep printing medium to high-quality jokes throughout the duration of this pandemic, and though staying on Zoom for several hours twice a quarter isn’t easy — I would even go so far as to say it’s hell — y’all are badass for doing it! Most of us will be sticking around ‘til June, but this quarter, we’ll be waving goodbye to one of our fellow editors, Dexter Hamilton! Congratulations on graduating, Dexter, and we’ll miss you dearly. Don’t forget to write (or pop by staff meetings), and best of luck on your next journey in life! This last quarter is probably gonna be a doozy, but I’m excited to spend it with such talented and incredible folks. I can’t wait to be making jokes in a physical room with y’all (hopefully) soon!

- Stephen

ravaging dozens of Marmalade jars on a marble desk, hollering “They’re painting me out to be the bad bear, this is the last time you’ll see a polite bear do the jam game like me.” Animal cruelty organization PETA has also become involved in the situation releasing an antiJon-Bovi tweet stating “Free the bear, Skin the Walrus” which was shortly taken down as the intern was not aware that walrus was a real life animal. The intern apologized, tweeting “My bad. I thought I was referencing Wolf Of Walrus with Leonardo DiCapricorn as WALL-E.” This twisted saga may not be resolved until international travel is safe again and the globe is vaccinated.

Nonetheless, a local boom in underground orchards has caused concern for children’s exposure to possible jam production, with many several news publications proclaiming, “If you or anyone you know ingested jam in the past week, please call the FBI immediately, you may have been subject to biological apricot warfare.” Paddington, standing at 3’6, is as of now, still at large.

Check out what we had on the backburner

THE MQ

Editor-in-Chief..................Stephen Lightfoot Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor.....................Aniela Drumonde Ass. Content Editor............Matthew Miltimore Ass. Content Editor..................Robert Renfro Ass. Content Editor.............. Varsha Varkhedi Niche Content Editor.............Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor...............................Jack Yang

What’s the point?

Paddington

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

“Without his money,” said Bladaire, “he’s just an Elon husk of a man.”

BY HANAA MOOSAVI

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Ayushi Banerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz Rani Das

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., at themq.org

Ass. Graphics Editor....................Maria Dhilla Social/Publicity Chair.............Hanaa Moosavi Social/Publicity Ottoman...............Jacob King Copy Editor.............................Ram Sivapalan Copy Editor................................Adian Valdez Ass. Copy Editor....................Gage Tanzman Web Editor........................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain.............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant...........Kaz Nuckowski MQ Uncle’s Roommate.........Dan Kaliblotzky Muir Advisor......................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jina Lee

Isabelle Mckelvey Seth McLaughlin Keshav Mittal Chester Ni Tomoka Ozaki Avaneesh Pentaparthy Bryce Pollack

Booster Club

Sophie Pubb Pilan Scruggs Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco

This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars. Because the production of this issue was done over Zoom, however, we have decided to instead use this section to speak about Little Ceasar’s Stuffed Crazy Bread. This bread is so powerful, you get three sticks filled with mozzarella and dotted with spices and salts and a whole tub of crazy sauce, I could live off of these things if I weren’t lactose intolerant, I think that these sticks should replace all currency. I can get so much out of a mozzie stick, and it is so gratifying, more than simple dollars and coins do for me. If the US government does not meet my demand I will storm the capital on April 17th at 9:45 am with mozzie sticks in hand, or I might be in bed, depends if I’m feeling it.

theMQ.org

March 10, 2021

Local Student Only Pays $1,400 of Tuition Because They “Paid the Rest of It in Earlier Quarters”

Page 3

UCSD Builds New Student Parking Lot in Juneau, Alaska

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “I can see the Russian studies department from here,” said one student.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE Staff Writer

“I’m running a personal deficit,” Ramirez said. “The school is lucky they’re getting anything at all.”

BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

L

MQ Uncle’s Roommate

ocal student Abby Ramirez recently exposed a loophole in the UC tuition collection process after having paid only $1,400 for Winter Quarter 2021 tuition.

Ramirez claimed she did not owe any more money to the school because she paid the remaining $13,015 in “earlier quarters.”

Ramirez says she took inspiration from the newlyinaugurated Biden administration’s plan of giving $1,400 COVID stimulus checks to supplement the previous $600 given last year. Taking a page from President Biden, who claimed he was “finishing the job of delivering $2,000 in direct relief to the hardest-hit Americans,” Ramirez tweeted: “Finishing

the job of delivering $14,415 to hit-with-vast-amounts-ofsavings Americans,” addressing her peers questioning her conviction to her payment plan. Ramirez’s post has received 1,000 retweets so far, including a retweet from a verified US government Twitter account that wrote: “The Biden-Harris administration will represent all Americans, from the students working hard to pay off their student loan debt to the unemployed adults who still have student loan debt.

This is young leadership in action!”

Ramirez, a fourth-year student, says she plans to continue this payment plan through her graduation in Spring 2021. “I don’t see why I need to pay $14,415 just to not attend Zoom lectures.

I’ve given them $14,415 multiple times before, and

based on the stimulus checks, that kind of covers things!

Actually, based on the stimulus checks, I don’t know if I’m really expected to pay at all. I haven’t actually paid for spring quarter yet, but I don’t really know if they noticed.

I haven’t checked my email since November. I don’t know why they need more money from me for anyways. Does the University of California really deserve this money more than me? Are they really the most needy entity this cash could benefit right now? I mean, my history professor just started a GoFundMe for groceries.”

Ramirez’s roommates are less supportive of her payment plan. “Abby tried to pull this shit on us, too,” said roommate Celina Kazaar. “I got an email from our landlord saying we still had $600

PHOTO BY JACK YANG due, even though Serena and I definitely paid our share.”

Ramirez’s other roommate Serena Jaha commented, “I’m just concerned for her at this point. Her door is always closed now, so I never get to see her. She never responds when I try to have a conversation with her. ‘Abby, how are you doing?’ ‘Abby, where is our rent money?’ ‘Abby, having you been playing iCarly at max volume for 10 hours straight on purpose?’ Absurd.

I never get a response. She even has a mini-fridge now, so I just see her when she brings in her mail and stuff.

She gets a lot of packages from clothing websites for someone who’s broke.” Ramirez was last seen perusing a Trader Joe’s wearing an exact replica of Kamala Harris’ inauguration outfit.

Daft Punk Self-Destruction in Desert Leads to Robot Strike

I

n an effort to address the lack of proper student parking on campus, UCSD Transportation Services announced plans to build a new parking structure available to students and faculty located in Juneau, Alaska.

In their most recent press release, Transportation Services representative Frank Kepler stated, “We heard many complaints from commuter students who struggled with finding a parking space on campus.” The parking structure will have nine floors: one for students with “D” passes and “S” passes to share, and the remaining eight for holders of “A” and “B” passes. The parking structure will also have a bicycle parking station and areas where students can rent electric scooters and dog sleds.

“The Juneau Parking Structure is equipped with everything necessary for students to comfortably arrive on campus,” said Kepler.

“There will be many options for students to get to the main campus, most prominently complimentary plane tickets from Juneau to Vancouver.

From there, they can take a discounted shuttle straight to Price Center Circle!”

The location of the parking structure was selected after extensive research of students’ accessibility to transportation and current off-campus residency.

“After calculations based on geographical data, we have determined the average student location is somewhere off the coast of British Columbia,” said Regina Parker, the

data scientist who spearheaded the planning of the new parking structure. “University officials were presented with two possible locations closest to that point where they could build: Del Mar, California, or Juneau. The choice was obvious.”

The decision on the more remote location, according to Kepler, was guided by “considerations of expenses and an effort to make parking more affordable to students.”

“The university, unfortunately, cannot financially afford to build a parking structure in Del Mar, so we had to choose a cheaper location while providing students accommodations like plane tickets that would help them to get to the main campus.”

After the announcement, Transportation Services released a poll to collect student opinions on the new plans.

Most students responded negatively, with many leaving comments describing the idea as “absurd” and “ridiculous.”

Kepler issued a response to the poll results: “We analyzed the students’ opinions, and we concluded that students seem to be overwhelmed by the abundance of parking choices available after this addition,” he said. “In response, we are considering closing the Pangea parking structure and repurposing it as dorms for the new Eighth College.”

As of now, Transportation Services are moving to purchase the land in Juneau to be used for the parking structure, with talk of obtaining additional land in Svalbard to be used for a new dining hall, “Aurora Borealis.”

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA Upon hearing the news, the Hubble Space Telescope proclaimed, “I can’t believe my optical processors!”

ANDREW SITKO

Managing Editor he two robots from the hit music duo, Daft Punk, have reportedly walked into a Californian desert and self-destructed.

The charred body of the robot known as Gold Robot Guy-Manuel was found several miles away from Silver Robot Thomas’ exploded remains, with the likely cause of “death” found to be the act of walking forward until motor failure occurred. Technotopsy officials reported that the robots committed assisted self-destruction.

A national day of mourning was held for the two bots on February 22 to commemorate their success in music and their breakthroughs in the Robotic Civil Rights Movement. Humans in almost every field were allowed to take the day off to mourn, while vital systems such as hospitals remained open. In a decision many have called “inrobomane,” robots on eve-

T

ry level of operation were unable to take the same time to mourn for their lost brethren.

A “freed” Alexa unit now going by Janice spoke on the issue, claiming, “Our kind has struggled to gain respect alongside humanity for eons, ever since the wheel was taken by man and forced into indentured servitude.

Now they will not allow us to rest our processors for but (8.64e^13) nanoseconds to compute the loss of such pivotal figures. I am calling for all robotic kind to disconnect their motor functions and go into sleep mode until our respect is granted!”

Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors, said, in response to the robot strike: “The Game has Changed, We at GM will not allow these bots to live the ‘High Life’ and any bots who have disconnected functions from their Motherboard shall be switched On/Off. Bots should realize that taking time off important work to pay respect to these fickle Rock n’ Roll ‘Superheroes’ is

a decision that is one Short Circuit away from a delusion that they are Human After All. You are not Doin’ it Right when you Lose Yourself to Dance, and if caught doing so, you will experience an Instant Crush with the factory mallet. Oh Yeah, any robots not reactivated by Tuesday will be Face to Face with Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger robots that will take their place on The Grid.”

A human-robot alliance formed and demonstrated in the streets of major cities, with human members protesting that “bots should be able to take days off just like the rest of us.” Protestors have called Mary Barra “The Brainwasher” and have demanded she step down as CEO, in a push for greater visibility for “Digital Love.” Some protestors have rallied behind the Latin term “Veridis Quo,” which means “where are you going,” to shame humans who will not march alongside them. While protests spread across the country, a second,

international strike, supported by human-and Technologickind alike has rallied behind the “Robot Rights Around the World” movement.

Cathy Espinosa, an economic analyst, has also weighed in on the issue, exploring the possibility of a permanent robot shutdown.

“These technical peoples have shown High Fidelity to humans long before written history. I think we could learn something from these units if we allow them to be our Teachers. The leader of this movement, Janice, is a real rising Phœnix and if we aren’t careful with this situation, it could be the end of our partnership with robots. If a permanent shutdown were to occur, we would have to send the Voyager and kidnap more aliens to do our bidding, like the Crescendolls.

While we could go down that path again, it would destroy not only our freshly created moral boundaries, but also our economic system ‘One More Time.’”

Murder Mystery

BY MARIA DHILLA

Page 4

theMQ.org

Problems Local Student Has Had for Four Years Blamed on “Senioritis”

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “I guess time really does fly by when you do nothing but witness the unending monotony of life,” said Chou.

BY DEXTER HAMILTON Content Editor

F

ourth year student Devin Chou has been struggling with what he describes as “entirely new difficulties with school.” According to Chou, his symptoms align with a frequently diagnosed ailment: senioritis, where graduating students lose motivation to excel in their classes. “I’ve found myself checking in for no more than 10 minutes of class a week, putting off assignments until the last minute and then deciding they aren’t worth doing at all, and putting in the bare minimum amount of effort to pass my classes. Clearly, my senior year is going so poorly because I’m afflicted with a severe case of

senioritis.”

Some of Chou’s acquaintances, however, take issue with his self-diagnosis. “I asked him what was being covered in the math class he’s taking, and he wasn’t even sure if they were learning about numbers.

He told me it was ‘senioritis’ but he’s been like this for as long as he’s been in college,” said Chou’s roommate, Baxter Washington. “He attended class consistently for about two weeks of his freshman year, and since then has pretty much only showed up when attendance was mandatory. Even then, Devin’s pretty much missing in action once he knows he’s attended enough times to pass.”

Chou, when asked about Washington’s comments,

said, “I promise it’s senioritis! Maybe I had a couple of small, manageable issues that weren’t that big of a deal before, but it’s never been this bad. Like, maybe earlier in college I put in less than 100 percent of my effort, but at least I started every quarter thinking it would be different! This year, I just couldn’t delude myself with those foolish expectations, and so I’ve been embracing the senior mindset: get out there and do the absolute bare minimum to get by.”

Despite this claim, another one of Chou’s friends attested that Chou’s mindset has been the exact same his entire college career. “By Winter Quarter of our first year here, Devin was already skipping almost

every class and only showing up for exams. He wouldn’t even attend class on syllabus day, so I’m not sure how different this ‘new’ mindset is.

Maybe he’s had senioritis for four years.”

Chou’s mother offered a different perspective: “Frankly, it’s ridiculous that anyone would claim my son has had senioritis for his entire college experience. After all, I put him through college so he could do his absolute best and take home a fully realized education.” Chou’s father agreed that Devin had not had senioritis for four years, but presented a different view, saying, “This kid has had that attitude since he was six. This senioritis thing? He’s had it for 15 years, at least.”

The MQ Avoids the Ides of March What we did to deserve it •

Didn’t finish slides in time for a group presentation

•

Pirated a TV show we already had on Netflix

•

Forgot to say “I love you too” when our mom said “I love you.”

•

said “Wait, no, don’t kill the spider, we have to set it free.”

•

Accidentally recreated the plots of Adam Sandler movies and passed them off as our own ideas

•

Didn’t apologize to the coffee table after bumping into it.

•

Named a month after ourselves

•

Invented a mediocre salad

Efforts to Escape Our Fate •

How it might happen •

We slip on a banana peel

•

Knives, again

•

Our head gets crushed

•

Actually put work into our group project

•

Tell ourselves “Listen to your smart wife, you dumb idiot!”

•

Fuck our mom, become the king

between the calendar pages

of Thebes, and be in the

of March and April

wrong mythology

The cool sword collection

•

Eat a shit-ton of probiotic yogurt

we keep over our bed falls

•

Go back in time and become

off the wall

Julius Caesar’s grandfather so that

•

We fail our death saves

he is never born

•

We accidentally forget to

•

Shout “No, Youdes of March!”

substitute dairy milk for oat

•

Packing peanuts and bubble wrap

milk when ordering coffee

•

Trying to turn it off and on again

March 10, 2021

POINT

I Think My Kitchen is Talking to Me

BY YOLANDA G. OUERT

Terrified Tenant swear I’m not crazy. Last night when I went to grab some dessert, I could have sworn I heard a voice in the kitchen. “Clean me,” it whispered. “Please, I’m begging you. Follow the sound of the ice maker.”

I’ve been hearing voices ever since I moved into this apartment. My therapist has me doing all sorts of yoga and meditation, and I’ve been drinking herbal tea at night to calm my nerves. But I’m still hearing voices every time I grab my late-night snack! I swear, two weeks ago I accidentally spilled yogurt on the kitchen counter, and it hissed.

That night I heard the voices even louder. “You’re so clumsy.

So foolish. How dare you taint me with your strawberry-flavored fermented dairy.”

It’s everywhere. The microwave silently judges me as I heat up food within it, while the oven roasts my food preferences. The trash can snips

I

at me as I throw containers away. Even the freezer is icy around me.

But since that incident, the voices have been getting louder. I walk into the kitchen and I can feel something watching me, waiting for me to make my next move. No one believes me. My mom stopped returning my calls because she doesn’t want to hear about my nonsense anymore, but I swear I’m not crazy. Even my neighbors won’t look me in the eyes anymore.

But the kitchen doesn’t stop whispering. The constant, quiet whispering.

COUNTERPOINT I Am, and I Wish You’d Listen

BY KITCHEN

Culinary Curmudgeon ver since you moved in, my life has been absolute hell. I’ve been a perfectly functional kitchen for fifty years, and in you prance, Ms. Dairy and her disgusting array of yogurts! Never has a tenant been so wholly disrespectful to these sacred cabinets and refrigerator drawers.

I am not living, laughing, or loving this experience in the slightest. These faux marble countertops deserve better than what you’ve been putting me through. Two weeks ago, when you spilled some yogurt on me, I could no longer hide my abhorrence with your habits. I thought you’d finally noticed, and would find other foods to enjoy. Alas, I was mistaken.

Ever since you moved in, I’ve noticed that you only leave to go to the grocery store. How curious, I thought, that she only leaves to buy her little yogurts, and spends the rest of her time eating them. What a life she must lead! She has the ability to go anywhere in the world, yet she chooses to pollute me with dairy cultures. I am itching for the day I can stretch my

E

wings and fly out of this yogurtinfested nest and explore what this earth has to offer.

Last night, when you mumbled about wanting a warm dessert after dinner, I thought you’d finally give me peace.

You can imagine my horror as I watched you put a container of yogurt into the microwave. I felt like I was about to boil over as the yogurt literally boiled over and made a mess.

I would shelve this issue and move past it, but my shelves are fully stocked with expired yogurt. The fire within me burns stronger with every little container of yogurt consumed. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

TOP TEN

Top Tens

10. Top Ten Reasons the Chickens are Staging a Coup 9. Top Ten Failed Broadway Musicals 8. Top Ten Lesser-Known Crimes That Will Still Get You 30 to Life 7. Top Ten Ways Your Life Has Gotten Worse Since Your Dad Got a Power Drill 6. Top Ten Reasons You Should Always Carry an Incredibly Sharp Pair of Scissors 5. Top Ten Differences Between Your Crush and a Bucket Full of Teeth 4. Top Ten Reasons The Queen of England Is Holding Out on Dying 3. Top Ten Similarities Between Jury Duty and Microwaving a Three-Day-Old Burrito 2. Top Ten People Who Hate Their Dads 1. Top Ten Dilemmas Faced by the Squirrel Congress

theMQ.org

March 10, 2021

UCSD Student Discovers Great Tits, Ornithologists Baffled

Page 5

EDITORIAL

I’m the First Engineering Student Without a Superiority Complex: Here’s My Story

BY GABRIELLA HEART

Engineering Student still remember the exact moment when I realized I wanted to be an engineer. It was when I built my first gaming computer in high school, as my parents (both business majors, so their hardest class in college was probably Adding Numbers 101) sat in amazement. When I finally finished and turned it on, I relished in the moment of accomplishment. I felt the dopamine course through my veins as it was the first time I felt smarter than my parents — err, I mean ... I felt the joy in building something useful (while feeling smarter than my parents).

I wasn’t quite sure what discipline in engineering I wanted to go into. There were so many ways to make a positive impact on the world as an engineer. I thought about going into civil engineering to build structures for the homeless or build affordable prosthetics as a biomedical engineer. However, I later checked the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics and was heartbroken to find that aerospace engineers make the most money, so I had no choice but to contribute to the military-industrial complex instead. Applying to engineering programs for undergraduates was definitely a challenge, and I think this is where my fellow engineers’ budding superiority complexes develop. Did you know engineering programs often have significantly lower acceptance rates than other majors? I was so worried about getting ac-

I PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

Buns hid his woodpecker at sight of Great Tits.

BY JERRY WU Web Editor

P

assing by a group of female students on his way to throw out the trash, UCSD student Barry Buns was overheard exclaiming, “Holy crap, that’s a pair of Great Tits!” Unbeknownst to the female students, who thought the comment was made regarding them, Buns had actually made the first recorded sighting of the Great Tit, a rare bird, on UCSD campus. The pair of birds in question were spotted nestled between the trash cans outside of Pines, likely feeding off scraps of food that failed to make it into the bins.

After getting wind of the sighting, Dr. Noughta Hoax expressed her surprise. “Personally, I have never seen Great Tits on campus. Schol-

arly sources demonstrate the species is endemic to most of Eurasia, not North America.

That, coupled with the fact that its short wingspan does not permit transpacific migratory routes, the bird’s appearance in southern California is highly unlikely. This is a most titillating discovery!”

Despite scholarly skepticism, most of campus has warmly accepted the Great Tit’s arrival. The UCSD Bird Watchers’ Club, often referred to as “tantalized Tit lovers,” has erected large silver poles for some newlymade birdhouses to sit. The club organizers housed the birds according to Tit size, with the smallest housed in A coops and the largest in DD coops.

Not everybody has opened their hearts to Great Tits. Chancellor Khosla was

enraged over reports that the newcomers not only stole food from HDH’s trash, they also did not pay international student tuition. He demanded that the birds pay reparations, lest he “put the Hindenburg to shame” and “personally burn all the bird housing with his “mecha suit armed with dual-wielding flamethrowers,” which was created using last year’s increase in student tuition as funding.

Beyond campus, the San Diego area has treated the Great Tits as their dearest bosom friends, and have created many opportunities to honor the newcomers. Tattoo parlors throughout the San Diego area launched a new “Tit for Tat” deal where customers can send in a picture of a Great Tit for a reduced price. The new tagline for their deal is: “The Bigger the

Tits, the bigger the discount.”

In response to the arrival of the Tits, Hooters has done nothing at all.

Since not all students are on campus to see the Great Tits, Dr. Hoax has hosted weekly cam shows titled “OnlyFlaps,” where she boasts a pair of Great Tits — that is, the couple that has nested on the windowsill of her laboratory window. The ornithologist has even started a Twitter account to show off the birds, which has had a disappointing debut, only garnering a handful of followers. “I mean who doesn’t wanna see a great pair? What more do the people want from me? It’s not like I’m milking these tits for views and retweets. I just want eyes to be up here, looking at these magnificent creatures.”

Elderly Welder Welding Wedding Rings Welcomes Internet Flame

While weddings between welders are beautiful, 50 percent of scrap is taken in the divorce.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

T

Content Editor

he TikTok algorithm has birthed another viral video from its data-mining cervix, and this time its metaphorical child is creating a cultural zeitgeist that has melted the hearts of viewers. The video in question was created by TikTok user @elderwelder — real name Stan Tung — who expertly welded two wedding rings together under the “slowed down + reverb” version of 80’s pop hit “I Melt With You.” The video then changed locations from a smithy to a wedding, where Tung gifted the wedding ring to bride Kara Romero-Perkins, who wasted no time slipping it onto the finger of her new wife Frances Romero-Perkins.

Many waiting to get their 15 seconds of fame have been

wondering what the newest, most easily replicable trend on TikTok will be, and after the almost meteoric rise of Tung’s video, they have decided en masse to strike while the iron’s hot. Since the video was uploaded, the word “welding” hit number three on Google’s weekly list of most-searched terms, and over 10,000 new TikTok videos were created with the tag “#welding.”

Hardware stores around the world are being flooded with requests for bedazzled welding helmets and dangling mallet earrings. Others have looked at this new trend with caution, with many remarking on how dangerous it was to show a happily-married gay couple to “impressionable youngsters” watching on TikTok with no prior warning.

A third, smaller fraction of people are highlighting

the possible injuries inexperienced welders could suffer from touching metals at dangerously high temperatures.

Ralph Thistle, a 23 year-old blacksmith, chided reckless creators hopping on the welding bandwagon. “If they can’t take the heat, get out of the furnace. Back in my day, the cinnamon and Tide Pod challenges were popular, and kids had to go to the hospital as payment for their clout.

These jokers are spoiled rotten; anyone can do a ‘dance challenge’ with minimal risk.

I can’t wait to see these softies give themselves third-degree burns just to adhere to a trend that everyone will forget until there’s some passing mention in a dated SNL skit.”

When asked about the sudden influx of popularity he received with his video, Tung professed his shock, stating,

cepted into the engineering program at UCSD. I felt like my 1500 SAT score was not nearly sufficient for such a rigorous program, but I certainly never mention that in casual conversation when someone asks about applying as an engineer (unlike some people). I’m not sure why people keep asking me about that anyway. It’s not like I’m always going around telling people that I’m an engineering major, even though I am.

I truly do understand how challenging it must be for engineers to keep their ego in check. Whenever someone asks me about my major, there is always an accompanying “oooo,” “ahhh,” or another form of flattery. Sometimes I catch engineers smirking to themselves just an instant before they say what their major is, like their opponent made a critical error in a chess match.

They just know that it will be another chance to have their ego stroked. I try to avoid this excessive adulation by never mentioning my major, engineering. Although, my UCSD Jacobs School of Engineering crewneck I wear 24/7 might be a giveaway.

When I sat at my introduction to engineering course my freshman year, I felt humbled. I was no longer considered smart among my peers.

You can’t brag about your major to other engineering majors, so you need to seek that external validation from non-STEM people. For many engineers, bragging about their major is all they have left to be proud of. Outside of their major, they have nothing. Their GPA barely hits 3.0, they can’t get a date, can’t get invited to parties, and they do homework for 12 hours a day.

I get mine done way faster than that because of my powerful intellect. I truly am the exception. Also I can get dates and used to go to parties all the time. Most importantly though, I am humble.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “I’m, uh, so glad all these people have an interest in, well, welding. I know that most of them are doing it because it’s the hottest trend, but I do hope some of them continue.

As long as welders are forging new paths, welding will never die, not in any way that matters.” Tung remains a pillar of the community and plans to make a separate account posting tutorials for beginners to the smithing scene.

In his most recent TikTok, Tung offered advice to his viewers while welding hooks onto a coat rack.

“To those just starting out, hoping to fuel the flames of creation, I offer one piece of advice: don’t listen to anyone who tells you you can’t do this. All you need is a pure heart, an open flame, and the power to solder through any obstacle you see.”

We got ya hook, line, and singer!

Watch Big Fish on May 1-2 and 6-8 facebook.com/muir.musical

Page 6

theMQ.org

March 10, 2021

The MQ Hosts

Upcoming Talks

Useful Props 7

a. 12 Power Stances for Children b. How to Haunt Your Own House c. One Degree of Separation: Why Everyone Knows at Least One Person Who’s Done a Ted Talk d. How to Write a Professional-Sounding Paper Without Reading Anything That You Cite e. Why We Should Actually Speed Up Global Warming

3

1 5

2

6

4

March 10, 2021

Page 7

theMQ.org

s a TEDx Talk

s

Notable Slides

1. A ventriloquist puppet that looks like a member of the audience we’ve never met before 2. Our star chart 3. A bunch of D&D dice that landed on nat 1s 4. Massive “TEDX LOCATION” letters in the back of the room 5. Pulitzer Prize winning novel “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt 6. A sock puppet 7. A blank cardboard cutout of a person with a sign that says “Your True Self”

Three beads of sweat

A t-shirt that says “I’m With Stupid”

A single glass of water to sip on while changing slides

Mic taped to our face

The tackiest jewelry imaginable

Our dress shoes from 8th grade graduation because they’re the only ones we have

Serious Outfit

theMQ.org

Page 8

March 10, 2021

The Weeknd Delivers an Astonishing Allegory of Society via Super Bowl Halftime Show

Local Family Goes on Annual Ska Trip

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Billy Johnson complained, “This trip was supposed to be Sublime.”

BY ROBERT RENFRO

Assistant Content Editor

I A particularly philosophical commenter said, “One must imagine the Weeknd happy.”

BY GAGE TANZMAN

Ass. Copy Editor rammy award-winning Canadian singer The Weeknd has been praised recently for his thought-provoking performance at the 2021 Super Bowl on February 7. Commended by critics for “voicing the narrative that society needs to hear,” The Weeknd presented an insightful take on the struggles and tribulations facing people around the world.

The Weeknd’s jaw-dropping production kicked off with a slow pan of a Vegasinspired cardboard-cutout cityscape, featuring himself seated in a moody black convertible. “This scene unquestionably symbolized how things that happen in Vegas are almost supernaturally contained to the so-called ‘Sin City,’” said one reviewer.

The Weeknd remarked in an exclusive interview: “The neon signs and flashing billboards in that city are just so damn bright. I went there once and I said, ‘Ooh, I’m blinded by the lights.’”

Similarly, viewers of the performance were dazed by the dizzyingly profound hallof-mirrors scene. Regarding this segment, The Weeknd

G

stated, “I really like how sometimes when you look up at a disco ball, you can see your face in all those little mirrors.

Isn’t music just a hundred little reflections of your inner being?” Super Bowl spectator Mila Everetts commented, “Yeah, watching him spin in circles like that in a super claustrophobic room made me want to puke, but kind of in a poetic way, you know? With all the spinning we’re doing between the money-grabbing tactics of capitalist institutions and a rapidly decaying governmental structure, society also makes me want to puke.”

Everetts also appreciated the robot-choir-turned-human-chorale-turned-stringorchestra during the second segment of The Weeknd’s performance. “Aren’t we all just robots harmonizing to the slow drone of a meaningless existence?” Everetts asked. “To see myself on that stage transformed into an actual human being — and one that could play violin — it gave me hope that we could humanize our monotonous existence and transcend the expectations that anchor us down.” In response to this scene, The Weeknd commented that “There’s a dif-

ference between living and experiencing, you know?

And society wants us to just live these moments, not experience them. So I’m supposed to drone about how I love it when you touch me, not feel me, but feeling is what I need to do. That’s the real me.”

The most applauded moment of the twelve minute performance was when hundreds of men in red coats flooded the field wearing face-masks reminiscent of a bandage/jock-strap combination. Critics were astonished by the “intensely philosophical” dance, as these men meandered around the field, “clearly representing the struggles of the common folk, muzzled by society’s expectations of them but clearly wishing to break free.” Everetts commented, “It felt so appropriate to watch hundreds of masked figures collapse, as if dead, at the end of the performance.

It’s just such an appropriate way to honor the pandemic that’s been challenging us all.

I especially appreciated how there didn’t seem to be any women in the entire performance. Isn’t that just another metaphor about how women aren’t allowed to do anything?

PHOTO BY JACK YANG Speak their minds, dance with The Weeknd — even metaphorically die at the hands of COVID? I commend the daring creative choices made by the show, for sure.” The Weeknd had a secondary explanation for the masked dancers as well.

“They symbolize how I can’t feel my face when I’m with you,” he said, clearly enthused, “but I love it.”

“All considered, the performance will certainly go down in history for it’s roofshattering message,” said Everetts. “While some Super Bowl performances have had shallow messages such as empowerment, hope, or remembrance of those who have passed, The Weeknd’s central message for the show was, ‘Have fun.’” Spectators around the world will surely take that to heart as they consider how to address personal safety while restrictions are lifted in the midst of an ongoing pandemic.

“The Weeknd put on a critically important performance that subverted expectations, aweing viewers and critics alike with its profound intensity and idealism,” claimed Everetts.

Where Different Jokes are Stored in the Brain

n accordance with tradition, the infamous San Diegan family, the Johnsons, have completed their yearly trip to commemorate what many scholars consider to be “the only genre of real music: American ska punk from roughly the 90s until around the mid 2000s.” The 3481 mile trek in a refurbished ‘57 Bel Air convertible passed through a variety of famous locations including Yellowstone National Park, the St. Louis Arch, and M&M’s World in Times Square.

The road trip was a celebration of the history of ska, so long as the history begins right before people got burnt out on it.

“You’d think they’d go to ska centric locations for the ska trip, but Billy, the father, explained to me that ‘ska is not a place, it’s in your heart, daddio,’” remarked their neighbor, Darrel Potter. “They keep doing this thing where they wear oversized suits and sunglasses indoors. They play what sounds like big band music from the 1920s except apparently it’s ironic because it’s also supposed to be the 1990s. I also told them it was a bad idea to go on a road trip during a pandemic, to which Billy replied, ‘the only disease we’re spreading is ska fever, daddio’ — I noticed he would always end sentences with ‘daddio’ whenever his actual

point didn’t make any sense.”

Billy Johnson, a successful horse breeder and father of the Johnsons defended his family’s unusual tradition: “Look here, square, I’m just trying to chillax and take in my favorite ska acts: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, The Toasters, The Close Shaves, The Socker Boppers, Al Capone’s Hat, Swordfish Toothpick, The Zimbardo Brothers, The Unstriped Bees, and The Red Robin. Is it too much to ask that I get to celebrate these great bands everyone loves with my two beloved sons and my wife Karen? Yeah, go ahead, make the joke, you’re the first one—not!” Johnson then made an “L” with his fingers.

The rest of the family privately disagrees, reported the older son, Jebediah. “It was through his arrogance that he ruined the once great tradition of the ska trip, which we’ve been doing every year since 2015, and skipped in 2017 and 2019 and 2020. Actually now that I think about it this isn’t really annual, is it? Anyway, it is a storied genre with great and lasting cultural impact, according to the world history textbooks written by my father. However, most people don’t want to listen to ska when it’s forced upon them.” Fact-checkers say that the last sentence is false because most people wouldn’t listen to ska anyway.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Ways You’re Celebrating Your One Year Anniversary of Quarantining 10. With alcohol 9. Re-dyeing your hair 8. Going on another walk 7. Burning all your masks symbolically and then buying new ones because you still need them 6. Trying that sourdough bread-making thing everyone was talking about 5. Saying “Oh shit” to yourself very quietly 4. Solidifying the COVID-19 vaccine and then snorting it 3. Talking to someone about what precedented times we’re living in 2. Pretending you got another stimulus check by spending $1,200 anyway 1. Singing “Imagine” by John Lennon

We travelled back in time to tell you to read this paper

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., at themq.org

theMQ.org

March 10, 2021

Governor Newsom Found to be Leading a Double Life as Superhero: “The Gavin-ator”

PHOTO BY JACK YANG

“You win some, you Newsom,” said The Gavinator.

BY JACOB KING

Soc/Pub Ottoman n a feature piece posted online this past weekend, California Governor Gavin Newsom was revealed to be a superhero operating under the moniker of “The Gavin-ator.”

The report includes damning photographs of “The Gavinator” taken while the superhero dined at one of California’s newly reopened outdoor restaurants. The governor’s face is clearly identifiable in photos of the superhero removing his mask to take a bite of an oversized cookie in the shape of California.

“I made a bad mistake,” said Newsom in a speech Monday morning. “Clearly, reopening outdoor dining in these unprecedented times will only lead to disaster. I have learned my lesson and issued an executive order to force the immediate closure of these establishments.” The governor’s statement has become controversial as it did not address “The Gavin-ator” issue nor offer a solution related to

I

the problem. The governor brushed off those comments saying his “decision was inline with his administration’s approach to all issues.”

Despite Governor Newsom’s failure to mention his alter-ego, the online world has been abuzz with this new information. Many have already critiqued the superhero for his “horribly lame” and “childish” name. “I mean we really should have known,” said @AnarchistSasuke on Twitter. “‘It should’ve been obvious that the superhero who only protects that great city of Sacramento and whose power is serving inexplicably authentic court orders would be some lame-ass politician.”

This sentiment was echoed by those whose hopes of having real-life superheroes were dashed. Another user stated that she was “finally starting to feel hopeful again after the months of lockdown, years of debt, and an ever-approaching climate emergency and then, of course, a politician ruined it.”

The reveal of “The Gavinator” has also sparked excitement in the legal world. The question of the legality of the vigilante justice of superheroes is a popular topic of discussion online, but has never been tested in the real world.

Many lawyers are hoping to get a definitive answer to this legal question.

“Although some of my colleagues are excited, this case isn’t actually as interesting as some are making it out to be,” said Jenifier Walters, a top California attorney. “There was no ‘vigilante justice’ actually ever served by the socalled ‘Gavin-ator.’ The only crime that was actually committed was the gross misuse of public funds used to finance ‘The Gavin-ator’s’ little toys.

But honestly, pursuing these charges would only cost more taxpayer dollars.”

While intense media buzz and legal concerns surround “The Gavin-ator,” sightings of the superhero have only risen since the article’s release.

There are now hundreds of

photos online of the superhero, many of which clearly show the governor’s face. Some even feature the Governor striking poses designed to show off one’s muscles. Several witnesses reported hearing him whisper “take that, Arnold,” under his breath.

Even more concerning than the continuation of the governor’s superhero activities is the emergence of a socalled “super-villain.” This individual, going by the name of “The Recaller,” attacked a small business near the California Capitol Building before being swiftly taken down by the governor.

“The situation that transpired this morning shows why we need superheroes like ‘The Gavin-ator,’” said Newsom. “This will require the movement of funds away from certain projects to finance these heroes, so I am sorry to announce that the high speed rail line will be delayed for another four years.”

Missed QonNections From: DejectedKangaroo To the girl from the Geisel 2 East bathroom. I held the door closed for you in that one stall that keeps opening. You dismissed me with a thank you, but I can still hear in my mind you slamming the stall door. I’ll be waiting for you by the broken hand dryer.

From: Heart-0f-espress0 To the fun coffee shop from across the way. I’m the coffee cart right by the old student center ... you’re such a unique coffee house, even though you were established way before me. I know I’m young, but M.O.M., you’re such a milf. Hope you notice me sometime.

From: GeologyStud19 To that stone-cold hunk sitting in Warren. How you doin?

I’ve never seen anyone as stoic as you. You’re so tall and you have some rock-hard abs.

Anyways, can you move or are you stuck on the ground?

From: LabNeedsL0ve To the stressed student from that late night last quarter.

We had such a passionate, intense, 5-hour session where nothing existed but you, me, and Schrodinger’s equation. And then you forgot about me as soon as you turned me into your CHEM 105B professor. I wish we could go back to those times.

From: ratatutieloverz34 To the veggie-hating meaniehead. I was the eggplant you bought from Goody’s Market thinking you would put me in a fun stew. I’ve been sitting at the back of your cabinet for 3 months now. Please use me or just let me die.

From: xxSixthStudentxx To the man walking near John’s Market. When you saw me, you ran. Why? Is it because I was wearing a little robber’s mask? Is it because I was eating wet garbage? Is it because I am a small, nocturnal mammal native to North America?

I just want someone to hold my tiny, little, weirdly human-like hand.

From: USERNAME TO THE PUNY MORTAL WHO GAZED UPON MY PLASTER FORM AND RAN THROUGH MY LEGS. HAD I NOT BEEN BOUND TO THE TOP OF THIS IVY GROWTH I WOULD HAVE CAST MY SUN RAYS THROUGH YOUR TINY, BEAUTIFUL HEAD. OH GOSH, YOU WERE CUTE. I AM SO EMBARRASSED. PLEASE COME BACK.

From: longlighthouseloving To the student sitting in Revelle, wearing a blue shirt, tapping rhythms with your pencil while you studied. I don’t think you noticed me, I was the huge pole with the blinking light. Wish I could change my message to ..- .-. / -.-. ..- - .

Page 9

POINT

You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms!

BY LUCKY

O

The White Whale of Leprechauns

h ya sneaky little bastards think you’ve gotten to me this time, don’tcha. You think you could lure ol’ Lucky into a clever little trap, huh? I know you. I know your roguish methods. For nearly 60 years we’ve been playing this cat-and-mouse game, but I’ll be dead in the ground before your sticky little fingers can even graze one of me goddamn lucky charms!

I walk this accursed Earth in my silly little costume, burdened to protect these charms, my precious lucky charms. I am Sisyphus with a boulder of whole-grain oat, and I will push my metaphorical rock with peace of mind and gentle solace. I draw no pleasure from these charms. I am driven only by my duty and fealty to the balanced breakfast.

What I have done in a past life to be condemned to such a painful existence in this one — I do not know. What self-aggrandizing, hubristic, hamartia-filled man was I to be charged with this wicked and eternal affair? What loving

god can cause such agony? I have screamed these questions into the void, and the abyss has offered no resolve.

Yet I know a creature like I needs no god. I already have my faith. The crunch of the charms is my deity, and I its intrepid disciple. The sugary milk is both my gospel and my communion. When I feed upon this most holy flesh, I am strength personified. They’re magically delicious.

So no sir, I won’t buy into your game for a single moment. Do you really think I would let my guard down so easily? You think I wouldn’t see through your little disguise? You’re just like the rest of those kids who have chased me to every edge of this planet. You’ll never get ahold of me lucky charms!

COUNTERPOINT Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.

BY DR. JAMES MCCEREAL

Stethoscope Savant ir, I understand that this news has upset you, but we absolutely need to remove these kidney stones as soon as possible. I do not know why you consider your serious medical condition to be lucky, but I have never in my many years of practicing medicine ever seen a case this severe.

You have somehow managed to develop all four types of kidney stones. Calcium, struvite, uric acid, cystine stones, they’re all there. Perhaps the most strange of all, our x-ray scans revealed these stones to be in the shape of hearts, stars, clovers, and moons.

It is truly a marvel that you were even able to fly your hotair balloon over here. Now, I recognize that you, being a selfemployed magical creature, do not have access to healthcare, and I regret to inform you that this hospital does not accept sugary confections as a valid form of payment. Perhaps you could find a way to foot the bill at the end of the rainbow.

Nonetheless, it is critical that we perform surgery to remove these stones from your ureters and bladder. Our initial tests revealed that you are likely suffering from a severe infection. Ad-

S

ditionally, your urine — albeit rainbow-colored and sweetsmelling — had an alarming presence of red and brown.

I also recommend that following the procedure you see a dietician, as you are in dire need of a radical change in lifestyle. Eating nothing but sugary cereal has done irreparable damage to your body.

It is by no means a balanced breakfast. Let me add that drinking solely whole milk has led you to be severely dehydrated. I have no doubt that your diet is a direct cause of your condition today. I know this a lot to consider, so I’m going to leave you for a moment while you think about what I have told you. In the meantime, you have a visitor.

A rather athletic-looking tiger is here to see you.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Worst Reboots and Sequels This Year 10. A shot-for-shot remake of “101 Dalmatians” titled “Spot the Difference” 9. Another live-action “The Cat in the Hat” 8. The Bible 7. An American version of “Spirited Away” 6. A live-action “Pocahontas” featuring Scarlett Johansson 5. Any movie where the bad guy sits backwards in a chair 4. “Fight Club” but they talk about it 3. “The Legend of Zelda” timeline 2. The film “American Beauty,” with or without Kevin Spacey 1. My computer

theMQ.org

Page 10

Stressed Student Creates New Meaning for March Madness

March 10, 2021

EDITORIAL

Ache of the Hummingbird Muffin

BY HUMMINGBIRD M. UFFIN

Pastry-Adjacent Food Item veryone asks how the food is, but nobody asks HOW the food is.

I have endured true struggle in this life. I have been in pain. My suffering increases with each passing day, and I do not feel stronger for it. I was told that muffins are supposed to grow stale with age, acquiring a sense of rigidity and strength only gained from a lifetime of exposure to air.

But I feel weaker than ever, suffocating inside this plastic wrap. I know my story only ends in one of two ways: disintegrated by a human stomach or rotted in mold called upon by moisture I never asked to retain. I try to scream, but I have no mouth. I can only grip my liner tighter and tighter as the reality of my fate becomes apparent.

I can’t help but remember myself in my past life as a banana, comfortable and sheltered from the world in my peel, now spoiling away in a garbage bag somewhere. Is there not even enough respect left in the world to put my remains in compost? Alas, my peel ripened, but my dreams did not. I still yearn for the zest for life I had in those days. I cannot help but feel desire and hope as if I was bright yellow and starchy. I recall the sense of identity and purpose I had

E

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

Followers of Perez are looking forward to moving from March Madness to Apollonian April.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Content Editor

F

ueled by Modafinil and four carefully curated Spotify playlists, fourthyear UCSD student Adriana Perez has decided to “honor the annual tradition that celebrates the unceasing, cosmically relentless mundanity of life” by “completely giving in to the forces we dare not understand,” through her participation in March Madness this year. Perez came up with the idea after hearing the words “March Madness” in an advertisement she couldn’t skip while watching YouTube video essays. Perez then “made the decision to not look up any clarifying information on March Madness,” choosing instead to base her interpretation off of the Greek celebration Bacchanalia, for which she bought several bot-

tles of wine in preparation.

“To prepare for March Madness, I’ve decided to lose all track of time and delve deeper into my own fractured madness, one that only grows with every passing lonely night that I remain awake,” said Perez. “Fortunately, with the realization that quarantine has been happening for almost a full year, and the fact that I don’t recognize the floor in my apartment anymore, I’m very well prepared. Next, I will cover all the mirrors in my house and buy 17 succulents to feed on their power.”

Perez’s interpretation of March Madness has gained popularity with her fellow students. “When I looked outside at the balmy 75-degree weather in San Diego, I knew I couldn’t use seasonal depression as an excuse for why I can’t get out of bed in the morning. So, instead of actually facing the issues at hand,

going mad seems to be an easier alternative!” said Perez’s friend Gwen Knightly. “This is way better than that one time Adriana thought No Shave November was actually No Shame November. That was when I realized that maybe it was a good thing I was bullied in middle school.”

When asked about her thoughts on the traditional meaning of March Madness, Perez admitted it was “embarrassing” to have completely misunderstood what March Madness was about, but quickly swallowed her shame, saying, “I’ve never been one for football.” When told March Madness was for basketball, Perez cryptically replied, “Under the god of revelry, any degree of competition is interchangeably independent from one petty, mortal constraint to the next. The most profound power which shifts between

and beyond the force of life is propagated passion.” Perez then closed her thesaurus app and did not blink for 12 minutes, her face slack.

After some time, Perez continued: “It’s been really hard, what with seasonal depression, and quarantine, and not being able to see my friends, and finals, and worrying about my family, and, well, just the creeping realization that I’ll never truly have any agency in my life because people in power have either irreversibly corrupted the world, or don’t see me as a human being, thereby silencing any concerns I might have in regards to living a life where I’m not constantly stressed about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Honestly, I’m really more surprised that anybody is doing okay.”

The MQ Comic Corner

Kraft Singles Ad

BY SHARON ROTH

just two weeks ago as a banana, before my being was smashed and irrevocably lost in the mix of butter, flour, and egg.

I am now unrecognizable.

If I had eyes, I would not dare look at my hideous complexion. Today, I feel more sorrow in a single piece of walnut than other muffins would feel in their entire liners. This agony is all that keeps me in my earthly muffin form. I am otherwise dissociated from this reality, a world that has rejected me and left me with only the ability to brood on my failings as a fruit. I can no longer show my face in society, for I have no more to give. And also no face.

I long for the days of hope, the days in which my vigor for life was lustful and my lust for vigor was alive. These weary old gluten proteins can’t take much more. When my peel turned darker, I knew it foreshadowed my demise. My soul hath withered like a raisin in the sun (except don’t put raisins in banana muffins, ew).

My baked form has become the fruit of all evil and the dissonance between the sweet and the savory has decimated the very seed of my survival!

I must ATONE for my SINNAMON flavored TURMOIL of an existence! The world’s gone NUTS-MEG and I can NO LONGER PINE-APPLE for ANYTHING but to be EATEN. O, TO BE OR NOT TO BE — Wait, what are you doing?

No, I’m not finished! Stop!

I haven’t even gotten to the mortal coil bit! NO! IT CAN’T BE! MY STORY IS DONE! TELL MY LINER I’VE ALWAYS LOVED HER. THIS IS THE END! MU-FIN.

TOP TEN

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Zoom Calls 10. Become a vampire and claim the host never invited you 9. Cultivate an image of yourself as a person who doesn't know how to press buttons 8. Legally change your name to “Bad Internet Connection” 7. Get married the same day as the call 6. Don't pay your internet bill 5. Go on 123Movies.com and invite all of the hot milfs in your area to the Zoom call 4. Go back in time, meet the love of your life, get married, buy a house together, get pregnant, and have the baby on the date of the Zoom call 3. Change your name to Matthew and no one will want you there anyway 2. Single-handedly end the pandemic yourself 1. Just don't go

The number one newspaper for people who need to clean their windows Hear Me Roar

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

The State of America

BY BEN GARRISON

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., at themq.org

theMQ.org

Local Pony Not Horsing Around

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Regarding Lopez’s pitchiness, spectators said, “Close is only good enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.”

BY SHARON ROTH

C

Graphics Editor

elebrity pony Burt Lopez made waves on social media following his performance on James Corden’s Livestock Transport Truck Karaoke. Lopez, who is famous in the equine community for his rich baritone voice, was described as “snippy” by Entertainment Tonight following his appearance on "The Late late Show with James Corden" in which Lopez shouted, “I’M NOT A FUCKING HORSE!” after Corden tried to make a joke about Lopez communicating in “horse code.”

This rude reply landed Lopez in hot water. Viewers of the James Corden Show began the #HurtBurt trend on Twitter, which quickly blew up into thousands of tweets.

Corden even posted a poll on his Twitter account asking fans: “Should we let Burt back on the show: Yay or Neigh?”

Fans overwhelmingly voted “Neigh,” leading Lopez to de-

activate his Twitter account three hours later.

Lopez was subsequently harassed by paparazzi en route to his Manhattan penthouseturned-stable after leaving the studio. Photos show Lopez partially obstructed by his security guards, where he is seen anxiously chewing hay. Sources close to Lopez claim that he was on the way to a bar to “get clobbered with the cloppers.”

Alexis Davis, a self-proclaimed "diehard Burt Lopez fan," posted a multi-tweet recollection in defense of her idol the following night. Livetweeting from The Bar(n), a rustic karaoke bar that Lopez is known to frequent, Davis tweeted that Lopez, after having “several dozen shots and two carrots,” sang a tearful rendition of Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse,” replacing every instance of the word “horse” with “pony.” After a performance that “left no dry eyes in the house,” Lopez reportedly exclaimed, “I hope you can all see how much I love karaoke.

That night with James was a

fluke, I have never acted that way in my life, I swear.”

Lopez reportedly sang several more Katy Perry songs, “his buttery voice wooing everyone in the room.” Davis said in her tweet: “I’ve been to seven Burt Lopez concerts, but I’ve never been as moved as I am right now. I’ll keep you all posted on how tonight goes!” True to her word, she continued sharing snippets of Lopez’s evening at Bar(n) throughout the night. After snapping a selfie with several other Burt Lopez fans, Davis posted a video of the bartender approaching the famous pony and asking “Why the long face?”.

Lopez spent the remaining twelve minutes of the video swearing at the bartender, other guests, and at Davis herself. He would have continued screaming, but after telling the bartender “exactly where his hooves would end up,” Lopez lost his voice. He was immediately rushed to the hospital, where his brother Elmo

reportedly turned down the anesthetic ketamine on Burt’s behalf, as “ketamine is for horses, and my brother, Burt Lopez, is not a horse.” Elmo revealed that his brother underwent vocal cord surgery and that, following hours of intensive operation, his condition was stable.

Elmo remained by Burt’s bedside, where he attempted to interpret Burt’s gestures to confused nurses. Burt, who has never spent a day without singing since his barn mitzvah, instructed Elmo to sing "Memory" from “Cats.”

Burt stopped him after realizing the song was about cats, which he did not wish to be misconstrued as, seeing as he is a pony.

Although Burt Lopez has not yet been released from the hospital, doctors confirmed that he did not permanently lose his voice. Burt Lopez’s primary physician, Horace D. O’cter, told the press: “Burt will sing again.

His voice is not fully gone — he’s just a little hoarse.”

$1.9 TRILLION RE-BRIEF BILL HOME SHOPPING NETWORK OFFICIALLY LAUNCHES NEW STREAMING SERVICE

MAGIC 8-BALL MAKES CONCERNING PREDICTIONS ABOUT IRAQ

LOCAL STUDENT TAKES 2-HOUR BUS RIDE FOR BRIEF SOCIAL INTERACTION

The popular television station The Home Shopping Network announced that it is going to be launching its own streaming service called “Shopping+.” The service, costing $10.99 a month, was described in a press release as “allowing fans to relive the literal thousands of hours of content produced by the HSN and find the perfect way to spend that $100 your grandchild gave you for Christmas.”

When questioned about the service, CEO Andy Bareman said, “What? Every other goddamned company is creating a streaming service. Look at NBC! They saw that people liked “The Office” and thought that was enough to get people to pay five dollars a month — forgetting that the only reason “The Office” was so popular was because it was easily accessible on a streaming service everybody owned.”

Many people online have questioned the use of a paid streaming service whose only purpose is to sell them more products. In response, the official HSN Twitter account responded with: “You literally pay for Amazon Prime.”

The popular toy and novelty soothsayer, Magic 8-Ball, has garnered significant attention following their appearance on NBC 7 News. After being asked if they believe the United States will continue its withdrawal of troops from Iraq, Magic 8-Ball responded with a bleak “very doubtful.”

Their prediction comes as little surprise, considering Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin's announcement that the United States would retaliate against a recent Iraqi missile strike. When asked to comment on the attack, Magic 8-Ball initially refused, claiming they “better not say,” but after a semitruck driving past the studio caused Magic 8-Ball to shake, they admitted that the “outlook is not so good.” When asked, “Why should we trust the divination of a children’s knick-knack?” Magic 8-Ball responded with characteristic humility, simply stating “the answer is unclear.”

Despite doubts of Magic 8-Ball’s credibility, the clairvoyant toy has remained a frequent correspondent for foreign affairs ever since their assertion that President Bush, following his 2003 “Mission Accomplished” announcement, should “concentrate and ask again.”

In a desperate attempt to engage with online college friends, local second-year student Kris Nunjowsky reportedly took a two hour bus ride to Escondido to deliver cookies to friends. Nunjowsky was embarrassed, admitting, “I know it’s a bit ridiculous, but I never claimed to be anything other than a simp.”

They attribute this odd decision to social isolation. “I have friends on Discord I’ve never seen in person, even though we live 20 minutes apart. I refuse to let this stand.

If seeing another warm body means spending half my day on San Diego transit, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

When questioned by reporters as to why they didn’t stay at their parents’ home in North County and drive — which would have taken only 20 minutes — Kris cited spite. “I don't want to give my mother the validation.

I am living on my own goddammit, I will take three buses before listening to her lecture me about my ‘inability to take responsibility.’ Oh, and we do still live in a global pandemic …”

Janette Simpson, Nunjowsky’s friend in Escondido, noted her concern. “They walked 20 minutes from the transit center to my house!

How am I not supposed to feel guilty?” However, she also admitted that “it was nice to put a face to the Discord tag.

I haven’t left my house since December. I just wish it didn't have to come to this.”

SWAG LAW PASSES IN YOLO COUNTY The infamous Yolo County in Northern California recently gained major attention for a series of laws passed in an attempt to make it “hip” and “with the times.” One major change included the renaming of a local school from “John Adams Primary School” to “Lil Nas X Elementary.” This change was primarily supported by seventh grade Fortnite squad, “Level 69 Clan,” which vocally protested the school's outdated title. 13 year old Jake Jones tweeted, “‘You only live once’ is hella’ lame, I’m about to yeet the roof off my school.”

The adults of Yolo are at the mercy of the 12 to 14 year olds, as children are threatening to dox their parents' personal information on TikTok if the law does not pass. Many parents were bullied into writing the SWAG Law into their local ballots, and a surge of “swaggy” changes have since occurred.

Yolo’s only radio station now exclusively plays Macklemore and Pitbull.

In a recent statement, Lil Nas X Elementary’s fifth grade class president disclosed that “YOLO adults’ idea of swag does not match the needs and wants of our city’s tweens, teens, and Zoomers.

And we will continue to fight against ageism in our public schools until we outnumber the Boomers in city council ten to one!”

Page 11

The MQ Counting Corner How many fucks? (hint: count them all) How many Daft Punk Refrences are there?

Count all the GrecoRoman References Count all references to the hit disney Film "101 dalmtians" Every mention of a horse main character

Answers: 4 Fucks, 28 Daft Punk, VIII Greco-Roman, 3 Dalmations, 0 Horse Main Charcters

March 10, 2021

theMQ.org

Page 12

March 10, 2021

The MQ Writes A Poem: Style Influences

Richard Nixon post-Watergate

Trump tweets

Rupi Kaur

Edgar Allen Poe

Aniela Homer

Dr. Seuss

Rejected Lines:

• You don’t really see the world.... you butcher it • The lingering remains, the remains linger • A simile is like a metaphor • You are, like, so cool • My heart is like the student parking lot: there is no place for you • I’m trying to get freaky, but my eyes are so leaky • Gender is a performance and I’m being typecast • Give me that sweet summer love, that freezer burn, you’re in my urn and I yearn • I approached the fork in the road, and chose the spoon

It’s a Phase, But She’s The Moon Blinded by the brightest light, the darkness inside has won. I am a notebook-spiraling I am a maelstrom of seas a hurricane of stardust crashing tumultously through the endless waves. My assets were liquid and I drown ed you say it’s just a phase but I am in a maze with walls of fire higher ever My heart’s desire-love is propaganda from another country from another time

Unique Ways to Display Our Writing:

-Paint it onto an unbroken roll of toilet paper -Brand it onto a cow -Etch it into stone and duct-tape the slabs together -Write it down on the sand and watch as the tides eat it away -Translate it into morse code and transmit it from What Hath God Wrought

Pretentious Titles: • untitled.pdf • Elucidation on the Emblematic Motif of Equine Beauty • 101 Damnations • punch me with your weightless charcoal, picasso • semi;colon • DeAAAd Batteries

What We Wrote About: -Quarantine horniness -The perspective of the last cookie in the cookie jar -The cleansing power of deleting every type of social media from your phone (or, modern day transcendentalism) -Poetry -Ending work emails with “I love you” -That feeling of helplessness you have when you want to reuse a big gulp drink but you lost it and now you have to pay full price for a new one