The MQ - Volume 27 Issue 6

Luigi ’s Travel Blog “Lovely to see you having fun. Please come home soon due to a family emergency. LOL!” -Grandma Mario

LasVegas

“I legally can’t a-say what happened in Vegas, but a little bird told me it involved a drug fueled bender and ended with one quickly annulled marriage. I’m still a-looking for love!”

Italy

“Surprisingly erotic.”

-Donkey Kong

“Mamma Mia! I made it to-a the homeland. I even got to see the pope! It’s a-weird, I think I’m Italian, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never a-been here before.”

2021’s most anticipated games the official zelda timeline

“I’m so glad he’s finally gone.” -Daisy

Chernobyl “The crushing reality that came with realizing the human cost of this grave event has a-forever changed the way I view the world. What scars are we bound to leave-a on this Earth that will never heal?”

“Before reading this, I was a shell of a man - an empty husk. Now I feel complete. I have purpose. At least I’m not this guy!” -Shy Guy

don’t scratch this magazine. it smells like mario’s moustache.

“cooking mama owes me sex”

“Yoshi.” -Yoshi

“It’s a-fucking me” -Giuseppe Mario

player’s pulse nintendo’s new pro controller

Table of Contents NEWTENDO: BITE INTO THESE CARTRIDGES NINTENDO ANNOUNCES FIRE EMBLEM: CHESS.............................................................................................4 THE GAMES WITH EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT: POKÉMON LEAKS AND RUMORS...........................4 GERRYMANDER US DISTRICTS IN GERRY MANDERING’S ADVENTURE!....................................................5 WHAT FACTION WILL YOU CHOOSE IN HALO 2?............................................................................................5

SYSTEM UPDATE: THE STATE OF GAMING NEW SMASH CHARACTER: JUST A SWORD.....................................................................................................8 MEET THE GAMER THAT “DESPISES” GAMERS..............................................................................................8 NINTENDO REPLACES MARIO KARTS WITH ELECTRIC VEHICLES..............................................................9 YOUR FAVORITE NINTENDO SWITCH GAMES WITH NINTENDO TOP AND BOTTOM!.................................9

STRAIGHT FROM THE SOURCE CODE RISING SEA LEVELS THREATEN MINECRAFT’S COASTS.............................................................................10 LOCAL POTTER’S BUSINESS BOOMING AFTER HERO PASSES THROUGH TOWN..................................10

UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE COOKING MAMA OWES ME SEX......................................................................................................................11 APOLOGY ISLAND: I’M SORRY FOR CHEATING ON POPTROPICA SPEEDRUNS.......................................11 CENTERSPREAD

Nintendo Power’s Top 5 Most Anticipated Games FEATURE

Things That Really Happened in the Zelda Timeline

CENTERFOLD

Executive Producers The Dad Who Works at Nintendo..........................................Stephen Lightfoot Zero Suit Wario..............................................................................Andrew Sitko

Game Designers Ancient Evil.............................................................................Aniela Drumonde Level 5 Fiendish Warlock...................................................Matthew Miltimore Uncooperative Shopkeeper.........................................................Robert Renfro Underling with Redemption Arc................................................Varsha Varkhedi Wario’s Love Interest..............................................................................Bri Arce Wrincess Weach............................................................................Miranda May Water Level Designer.....................................................................Natalia Nenn Chainmailed Slime Enemy.............................................................Sharon Roth Tiny Slime Enemy...............................................................................Jack Yang Queen Slime Enemy........................................................................Maria Dhilla Boss That Takes Three Hits to Beat............................................Hanaa Moosavi Item-Guarding Miniboss....................................................................Jacob King Princess Peach’s Relationship Therapist.......................................Adian Valdez Meowth, That’s Right!................................................................Gage Tanzman Closeted Gayme...................................................................................Jerry Wu NPC With a 5 Hour Side Quest.................................................Adam Yoshinaga Non-Playable Satirist..................................................................Kaz Nuckowski Oldster Joseph...........................................................................Dan Kaliblotzky Professor Sequoia (Advisor)..................................................Jason Thibodeaux

Beta Testers Ayushi Banerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz Rani Das Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton

Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane Andrew Keller Jina Lee Isabelle Mckelvey Seth McLaughlin Keshav Mittal Chester Ni

Tomoka Ozaki Avaneesh Pentaparthy Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Ivan Putra Pilan Scruggs Mackenzy Tolliver Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco

A Word to Our Sponsors

FEATURE

ndo e t n i N w e The N ler l o r t n o C Pro

This is normally the portion of the paper where we thank the members of our team who provided snacks, rides, and dining dollars.

Since the team is all dead due to heavy crunching, and the fact that Target did not reach back to us on footing our snack bill, I will dedicate this portion to Giuseppe Mario. Giuseppe is the man who killed my brother; he’s the son of a bitch that -- no! Get away from me! Let go … of the meatball! Nooooo!

Giuseppe Mario here! Come try my new Giuseppe’s Special Marioball sub! Packed with all the mushroom-filled adventures of the Mario Bros’, and then packed in a stale bun and spat on for that New Jersey experience! Get 25% off your next sub if you call (415) 419-7123 and say, “I saw Giuseppe Mario in a laundromat on March 17th from 4 to 7 p.m., and there is no way he could have ever made it across town to strangle that Koopa!”

Meet Giuseppe Mario, the Forgotten Third Mario Brother!

Sorry, our jokes are in another castle.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Good evening gamers!

This production was a ton of work, but I’m super proud of everyone for getting it all done! I’m sorry that I was bouncing around this issue, but I really appreciate folks for dealing with my inability to respond at certain moments, and the fact that I constantly had to switch host privileges back and forth in Zoom. Special thanks to everyone who contributed during production!

We’re coming up on my final production as Editor-in-Chief, which is a surreal experience, but honestly, this entire year has been a surreal experience. That all being said, video games (and especially Nintendo games) have been near and dear to my heart for most of my life, so I mean it when I say that I hope you all enjoy this special issue and satire of Nintendo Power!

Now we’re parodying with power!

- Stephen

2

April 28, 2021 • theMQ.org

Despite being lesser-known than Mario and Luigi, Giuseppe Mario is actually the eldest of the three brothers. Born and raised in New Jersey, Giuseppe stayed home to support his younger brothers’ dream of becoming the adventuring heros they are today! Giuseppe works primarily in “waste management,” though he is quite the entrepreneur and has ties to all types of businesses in New Jersey! He “does whatever needs doin’” for his brothers when they get into zany hijinks, or accrue gambling debts! Look out for Giuseppe’s commentary throughout the issue, and be sure to not believe anything you hear regarding his ongoing “murder charge.”

“Hey, how you doin’?

It’s me, Giuseppe.

Glad to see I’m finally getting the attention I deserve. I mean what’s the deal, Nintendo’s too good for Jersey? Youse guys better get over yourselves.”

Does he deserve to live?

Yes No What’s your biggest regret?

Hey Readers! Fill Out This Fun Poll to Get Exclusive Nintendo Content!

Name: Age: Address: Is your mom hot?

Yes No If yes, what is her phone number?

What best describes your current number of kidneys?

One or Fewer Two or More Are your parents divorced?

Yes No If yes, are you responsible for it?

Yes No

*Please cut out near and return to the MQ Office* the Amazon locker in Muir

Where were you on the night of November 21st, 1963?

Wanna see how fast we can run to this tree and back?

Are you sexually active? Why not?

Things That Really Happened in the Zelda Timeline Nintendo releases the Snyder cut of Breath of the Wild Link has his bar mitzvah

Link takes his commercial driving license test

Watergate Link decides green isn’t really his color

Link says his first word

Link fails his test after backing the Spirit Truck into Hyrule Castle

After sailing too far on the Great Sea, Link discovers a new continent and starts a colonial empire

Link passes his test Link retires early

Luigi dies theMQ.org • April 28, 2021

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Newtendo: Bite Into These Cartridges Nintendo Announces Fire Emblem: Chess

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

T

Beta Tester

ackle strategic challenges and become a grandmaster in the newest entry to the beloved tactical RPG series! Introducing Fire Emblem: Chess, coming out on the Nintendo Switch in 2022. It will be the first installment in the series to include a board game. The standard edition, which includes the board, is $99.99. For those who want to purchase the $199.99 collector’s edition, the package will include playable chess pieces in addition to the board!

Experience the elaborate and convoluted story of Fire Emblem! The game will focus on the centuries-long feud between the two factions: the Black Empire and the White Kingdom. Players can choose their side, similarly to Fire Emblem: Fates, which told the story from two different perspectives. Fire Emblem: Chess continues this narrative diversity by offering dramatically different perspectives in the battles. The White Kingdom has the tactical advantage of the first move, while the Black Empire has the ingenious first reaction mechanic!

Familiarize yourself with new characters! Unlike many of the recent games in the series, there will be no playercreated avatar. Instead, you will play as the lord of your respective faction, the King.

The lack of magical units

will make you carefully consider resources of your party.

Finally, your King will be your weak spot. The Queen will be the ultimate MVP for the player’s party!

Challenge yourself with a unique take on the tactical RPG genre! A major addition to the gameplay will be a revamp of the usual difficulty settings.

The new Time Setting will have players be able to choose between “Rapid”, “Bullet” and “Blitz” (timer clock is sold separately and is required for gameplay).

On each difficulty, the player will be given a certain time to finish the game, and if they don’t, they have to restart the playthrough by buying the game all over again. The game is made with speedrunning in mind, so look forward to Fire Emblem: Chess being played at Summer Games Done Quick 2022.

Don’t let the simplicity fool you! For the first time in the series, the action will focus on one playable map: the Board Field. There will only be one chapter, making the story the shortest in the series, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. There

will be many paths players can undertake, determined by unique strategic choices and interactions between playable characters. You will never know who exactly will win the battle, or how!

lacking its usual romance mechanics, each character will maintain the distinctive “anime” art style, so you “Fire Stans” can still draw fanart and set them as your Discord profile pictures.

The Games With Everything You Could Want: Pokémon Leaks and Pokémon Rumors Take social interactions to the next level! Fire Emblem: Chess will focus on the interactions that players can have with each other. The game will include a unique competitive mode where each player takes control of one side of the conflict, with chat features allowing players to send extremely threatening chess emoticons to one another, berating each others’ skills and making insulting comments about the opposing player’s Queen’s weight. While the game is

Experience the tactical tension in Q1 2022. For those new to the series, also check out the sister release Advance Wars: Checkers.

We are looking forward to the competitive potential this game brings forth, with future tournaments granting top players the rank of the “Nintendo Grandmaster.”

And, of course, we have already filed a lawsuit against FIDE (the International Chess Federation) for their blatant plagiarism of Fire Emblem: Chess.

Hit The Forest Floor in Mating Dance Dance Revolution!

BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

D

Oldster Joseph

ance your tail feathers off in the newest game by the same amalgamous neon dancing slaves — who double as video game developers — that brought you Just Dance!

The innovative Mating Dance Dance Revolution is a fresh take on the dance game genre, now set in various tropical rainforests!

Our producers said we needed a story, so you have to save the Amazon from the evil monkey king Banana Buzzkill, enemy of the groove. Don’t let him take away the birds’ right to bob their heads, ruffle their feathers, and make all the female birds swoon!

You’ll play as a different bird in each level, from Sicklebillie Eilish in New Guinea, to the

Sharp Tail-orswift-ed Grouse in Indonesia. Perform “Toxic” as Birdney-of-Spearidise eats human litter in the Amazon Rainforest, or mourn the end of mating season as Lophorina Del Rey in “Summertime Sadness,” and even become endangered due to habitat loss as John Albatrossvolta

he Pokémon Company has whipped up a huge spread of surprises and activities to celebrate the series’ 25th anniversary. We started off the year by holding a virtual concert starring famed musician Post Malone. The musical artist, known for his hit albums Beerbongs & Bentleys and Stoney, sang four songs in a digital CGI world filled with wonderful pokémon. But the excitement doesn't end there trainers, we’ve got another surprise for you right here: Pokémon Leaks and Pokémon Rumors versions. These games are filled with all of those absolutely stupid ideas that have been spread through leaks and rumors about Pokémon games for 25 years.

Let’s run through some of the features you can expect to find in this new Pokémon adventure. First up is humanpokémon fusions. Remember that Pokémon manga that was only published in an obscure Japanese magazine? Well apparently you do, because a lot of people thought this was going to be a feature back in 2017. We really hope the excitement for this idea stems from the prospect of epic battles, and not unsavory thoughts of getting to see Lucario and Gardevoir humanfusion, but we know it's probably you Rule 34 connoisseurs begging for this one!

After countless years of you begging for this stupid idea, we’re ready to bring you a game where all eight regions are playable. Now you can revisit all your favorite places from your childhood and talk shit about all the new places that suck! Will these eight regions be filled with content or will they be empty, devoid of story, completely boring, and an utter waste of money? That’s something for you to find out when you play the game for yourself (pre-orders now available for

$59.99 at your local game store)!

Who could forget alternate starter evolutions? Our fans absolutely love starter pokémon. In fact, a majority of the leaks we’ve seen are fake evolutions for a region’s starter pokémon. Every time these leaks get spread around, half of the comments under all of our posts on social media are fans begging for the leaks to be true and the other threatening to attack our developers if the leaks are real, so we are both excited and terrified to bring these ideas to life!

Get ready for all those scrapped pokémon to be added to the game! Nothing seems to interest the most loyal Pokémon fans than pokémon designs that never made it into the game, so much so that somehow a fan recreation exists of a demo of Pokémon Gold and Pokémon Silver that was shown off in one convention all the way back in ‘97. These designs were scrapped for a reason, mainly because these things were unlovable abominations that should’ve never left the designers’ heads, but if you guys want them so much, here you go!

Remember back on the playground when children would literally make up fake stories about video games with no basis? Why did they do that? We have no idea, but there sure were a lot of them! Pikablue? MissingNo? That Mew under the truck?

Absolute classics. I guess that child’s uncle really does work at Nintendo now, because all of these rumors are now in the game!

Well there it is folks! That’s what we’ve got coming to you in our newest games. Hopefully now you can stop harassing us on every post on every platform about these features that were never near official and only existed in obviously fake internet rumors, so we can go back to literally never listening to our fans! Cheers!

edition Upgrade! equivalents straight to your doorstep. We recommend trying out Kirby’s Kosher Kiwis ($12), Zelda’s Zucchini Noodles ($20), and Princess (Dehydrated) Peaches ($800). Power-up deliveries

can be automated, but players can also opt to navigate the Wii Fresh delivery drones themselves. If you choose to operate your own drone and don’t hit a single bird, your character will get double XP the next time you play “Luigi’s Mad Dash Across Italy!”

For a limited time, try out Mario’s Magic Mushrooms, a cool, rare fungi grown from the combination of sweat, tears, and pure bliss collected from employees working in Dutch Amazon warehouses. The mushrooms will only be available in select locations, so order now to be one of the lucky few who gets to eat Mario’s Magic Mushrooms before Taking a Trip with Toad in the minigame “Island Explorer.”

Wii Fresh comes out on the Nintendo Switch and the Amazon Fire tablet. It will be available as soon as our lobbyists succeed in instituting legal protections at the federal level.

Join us in starting the new era of grocery stores.

BY JACOB KING

Item-Guarding Miniboss

in “Disco Inferno.” If you want a real challenge, take on the Craneiana Grande mashup!

You start on a floating pile of plastic in the ocean performing “7 Rings” before moving onto land in “Break Free,” and then finally performing your mating dance for a lovely female crane in “Into You.” Nintendo Power readers get a free hint: press the Y button whenever Craneiana goes into head voice to pull her one long head feather into a ponytail!

If you loved busting a move to “Disturbia” in Just Dance, you’ll have a blast doing the chicken dance on top of a directional mat during the bridge of every song of Mating Dance Dance Revolution! We’ve designed an authentic avian dancing experience, inspired by

two Netflix documentaries about birds that we mostly paid attention to! Shuffle across your living room floor as you boast the voluminous pomp of your crest feathers!

Extend your arm to the ceiling to shape your pectoral feathers into a stunning black comet that will get all the female birds to rush to your tree stump! Shake the Nintendo Switch Joy Con to simulate the dance move that will one day really embarrass you as your older brother’s cool friends walk in and see you doing it!

Mating Dance Dance Revolution is fun for the whole family, and also all your drunk friends who will actually get the most use out of it! Show off your naturally selected avian prowess before continuing your bird-themed night out by throwing up in front of children! Mating Dance Dance Revolution comes out hopefully before the birds it’s based on go extinct, only on Nintendo Switch!

T

Nintendo x Amazon Launches Wii Fresh

BY SHARON ROTH

Chainmailed Slime Enemy

P

lay with Mario and all your friends on Wii Fresh! The new, exciting interactive grocery simulation game developed in collaboration with Amazon opens up so many new possibilities. You can play with up to three friends, all while buying groceries at slightlyhigher-than-reasonable prices!

If you’ve liked previous games for the Wii, you’ll love all that Wii Fresh has to offer.

You can sharpen your cooking skills in “Soup or Smash Bros,” where players need to make soups and smashburgers for hungry customers, all of which are beloved characters from the Mario Cinematic Universe (MCU). While you cook up tasty treats for all your plumber pals, you can also learn about dental health!

Tom Nook, the resident Wii

4

Fresh dentist, recommends players practice good hygiene after eating sweets by “animal flossing” once a day. Since the game takes place on the mystical Amazon Rainforest Tropical Island, you can see your Miis wandering around in the background while you play. If you pay attention, you can even spot a Mii version of Jeff Bezos instructing the other Miis not to unionize!

You can even create custom Miis using the revolutionary Wii Fresh Camera system. This innovative feature uses artificial intelligence and machine learning to scan each user’s face and create an avatar, which most certainly does not only work on people with caucasian features.

We can’t wait for you to create “a Mii that looks just like Me!” (Note: We are legally obligated to inform you that

April 28, 2021 • theMQ.org

Amazon may or may not add these faces to their secret surveillance database.)

The game features nextgeneration graphics and more fluid control input compared to previous games for Wii, but the most exciting feature is the “augmented reality grocery shopping.” Whenever you make a purchase in Wii Fresh’s in-game Amazon Fresh service, you’ll also have the same item delivered to your house in real life. You’ll never need to go to a grocery store again! Beta testers agree that seeing real human cashiers at grocery stores worsens their shopping experience by 40%, as it’s much easier to buy smoked gouda and artisanal everythingbut-the-bagel pickles from a cartoon Princess Peach in a cute apron! Who needs those pesky essential workers?

Before every minigame, you can purchase powerups to help you reach your new high score. In addition to granting you special abilities in the game, Amazon will deliver their custom, limited-

Gerrymander US Districts in Gerry Mandering’s Long, Oddly-Shaped, Suspiciously Specific Adventure!

Get Ready to Deadname Birdetta in the LongAnticipated Captain Rainbow: Trans-formed

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Non-Playable Satirist ans of Captain Rainbow no longer have to wait for new content. The long-awaited sequel, Captain Rainbow: Trans-formed, is coming to Switch this Fall.

Last time you saw our hero was in the 2008 Wii title Captain Rainbow, released only in Japan and Korea because it was a totally unproblematic smash hit. Most American fans know Birdetta by her deadname, Birdo, despite the description in the Super Mario Bros 2 English player handbook published in 1988 that says: “He thinks he is a girl … He’d rather be called ‘Birdetta.’”

The first installment of Captain Rainbow featured a

F

quest line involving Birdetta that was criticized by fans as “woefully ignorant” of trans issues and “completely tone deaf.” In it, Birdetta is arrested for trying to use the women’s bathroom, and the player’s main objective is to get her out of prison by finding evidence in her home to prove she is actually a woman. One of the key pieces of evidence is a censored object found underneath her bedroom pillow, which most players interpreted as being a vibrator or dildo. This evi-

dence is accepted by the police as completely conclusive evidence that Birdetta must be a woman.

In response to backlash from trans fans, Nintendo released an apology regarding the content of the original game. “We realize now that a storyline involving a character ‘proving’ their gender identity is inherently problematic. Here at Nintendo, we want to represent real people, and their real problems. We hope this installment of the Captain Rainbow franchise will be more amenable to trans fans everywhere. We pinkie-promise this is not a PR stunt.”

In the latest installment, Birdetta is placed front and center as she wrestles with

the dissonance between her gender identity and her family values. Titular protagonist Captain Rainbow aids her in getting access to “lifesaving” conversion therapy to help her “live a healthy, cisgender life as a man.”

Creative lead and story development head Minh Tendo is excited to see what fans think of his bold storytelling direction. “Gender identity and sexual orientation aren’t topics we typically tackle in our games here at Nintendo.

I want to change that. I hope

that transgender kids around the world can see themselves in Birdo, and be assured that we support them unwaveringly in their rightly-founded desire to appear as the gender they were assigned at birth — regardless of the immense physical and mental toll of seeking the pure cisgender life.”

When asked about her revolutionary storyline and her significant role in the game, Birdetta replied, “I don’t care that I am the main supporting character in this new game, it’s for all the wrong reasons. This is a gross representation of me and my experiences. You know trans people existed back in 1988, right? Stop saying I am of ‘indeterminate gender,’ or ‘gender confused.’ I am a trans woman. Stop trying to do something about it and just let me play tennis with Mario in peace!”

On the subject of representation, Nintendo commented, “We hope Captain Rainbow: Tra n s - f o r m e d helps trans kids realize that they are, in fact, confused without us needing to make any effort to produce a more nuanced narrative. We have a trans character!

That’s good right?

He — I mean she, sorry. He just happens to be a cisgender man, too. We’re progressive. It might take some getting used to for American audiences to refer to him as a man, but it’s about time somebody let them know that a queer character has been shoved in their face for decades without them even knowing.

It’s about time Americans started thinking about their Mario Kart main’s genitals.”

Nintendo hopes that the value and intrigue of the token character will bolster sales and international reception.

CD Projekt Red: “You Live in a Simulation.

Our New Game will Prove it.”

BY JACOB KING

Item Guarding Miniboss

T

his morning, Polish video game developer CD Projekt Red posted a video to their Twitter detailing their next “earth-shattering” project. Coming fresh off the heels of their latest release Cyberpunk 2077 — a “critical disaster that is near unplayable thanks to the high volume of bugs and glitches” — the studio set their sights even higher with Project Simutorium X. The promotional video states that this project will definitively prove simulation theory, which posits that there is a likely chance that our reality is actually just a computer simulation. Experts say that finding physical evidence for this theory would require a futuristic super computer — which would necessitate an enormous leap in technology. CD Projekt Red claims that they have discovered said leap, but many are skeptical as CD Projekt Red have so far been lax with details.

The promotional video for Project Simutorium X features Andrzej Nowicki, the Lead Vision Director of CD Projekt Red, making vague statements about the game over footage from the studio’s previous release The Witcher 3. Nowicki said in the video that the project would “break all previous notions of what a video game can be.” He went on to say their goal with this project was “not to make a video game, but instead cre-

ate an experience that players will want to pour their time, heart, money, soul, and life into.” Magdalena Walczak, Lead Technical Overseer at the studio, says that, “the studio will smash past current hardware limitations by creating ultra powerful chips made specifically to perfectly re-create the universe and everything in it, right from the comfort of your own home.”

The trailer ended with a series of flashy graphic effects before fading in the words: “coming soon.”

Many users online have expressed concern over the scale of the project. In response, the official CD Projekt Red Twitter account tweeted: “Who do you think we are, EA? Bethesda? Do you really think we would make promises about an upcoming project and not keep them?” The tweet ended with three smiling emojis, followed by three laughing emojis, and ending with one winky face emoji.

While the executives in the video seemed to be quite

ecstatic about their new project, it does not seem like that sentiment is shared throughout the staff at the studio.

A statement was given to the press by an anonymous source saying that, “nobody from the programing team was consulted about this project and a majority of the staff found out about it through the Twitter video.” The employee then brings up the fact that the studio doesn't even have a hardware division, and therefore does not possess the capability to produce the hardware promised in the video. “We couldn’t even get basic collision to work in Cyberpunk 2077,” said the employee. “How the hell do they expect us to create a Dyson sphere, or whatever they need to run their coked-out Sims game?” The anonymous leaker finished their report by describing how employees are “setting up tents and lighting bonfires” in the office in preparation for the “186-hour work weeks” ahead of them.

BY DAN KALIBLOTZKY

P

Oldster Joseph

ack all the Democrats in your area into your living room for this grand old party game!

Gerry is Texas’ second congressional district, but he’s the first anthropomorphic congressional district to become the face of a Nintendo franchise! Meet the gerrymandered district shaped like an unstable canoe starring in your new favorite game about congressional district borders. Join Gerry as he meets other gerrymandered districts all over the country! From Elle Ectoraldistricts, North Louisiana’s second district; to Viola Tionofvotingrights, Pennsylvania’s seventh district, the list of Gerry’s new friends seems to never end! Seriously, there are a fucking ton of gerrymandered districts!

Your mission is to trace out the border of your new anthropomorphic district pal before you run out of voting obstruction measures that keep you in power! With every bill, your border can get longer and more convoluted! It’s the most intense iteration of Snake since the last US representative election in

North Carolina! Maryland’s third district may seem easy (it’s not, Democrat-led legislatures draw wonky canoes too), but wait until you get to Illinois’s fourth! Are you

skilled enough to trace it out before having to pass a bill prohibiting people from bringing jackets to the voting line?

Drawn in 2012 by a Republican-led legislature, Gerry looks like a banana that someone peeled upwards and then took a bite out of before they real-

ized they don’t like bananas! If that doesn’t describe the shape of an arbitrary, fair portion of Texas’ population to measure, what does?

Gerry looks like a tadpole that is performing a soliloquy on mortality because it swam out of water too soon. He looks like a snake that started swallowing an innocent mouse but can’t quite get it down

without anyone noticing!

Don’t worry, I’m sure someone will notice before the snake has disproportionate systemic power over a country!

If you draw Gerry, you’re going to have to get your redistricting line long enough to slip by northeast Austin so you can swallow several Democrat-voting communities in his hideously deformed body! But don’t worry about those Democrats coming along to ruin your fun, Gerry is represented

by Republican Dan Crenshaw. Keep drawing those district lines! Draw them all night! Draw them until your mom turns off the lights in your room and tells you that you can’t let representatives choose their voters so their party can retain power, you have school tomorrow morning!

Play with Gerry and all of his friends when Gerry Mandering’s Long, Oddly-Shaped, Suspiciously Specific Adventure releases, exclusively on the Nintendo Switch (unless Sony challenges that in a federal court)!

What Faction Will You Choose in Halo 2?

BY ANDREW SITKO

I

Managing Editor

n the next installment of the hit game Halo comes Halo 2, now with more characters!

We all know who Master Chief is, but do you know Thel Vadam? Once leader of the Covenant Fleet, and now forsaken by his people, playing as Thel will allow you to redeem yourself through surviving suicidal quests. Will Master Chief prevail in saving Earth? Will Thel fight the Chief? That is unclear for now, but what is clear is that you are forced to immediately choose a side, idealising your own group through demonizing the other. What Faction will you choose?

A quick rundown that we’re sure everybody already knows: The Covenant is a ruthless faction of alien species that collected together in order to form a holy order that is quested to find the promised land in a movement they call the “Great Journey.” This collective of aliens was created after the Covenant committed genocide on different species until they were subjugated and joined under duress.

Talk about brutal, right?

This faction is led by a theocratic prophet species, who manipulate the teachings of their own doctrine for personal gain and commit blackmail in order to get ahead in politics.

The servant species are also locked in a hierarchy with some species being lesser and others being superior! This allows for members of the Covenant to persecute lower races with acts like forced sterilization and mass execution. Do I hear someone saying, “War crimes?”

The Covenant also executes anyone who defies orders, considering them heretics and sentencing them to execution. Are you ready to become a lowly underling in the Covenant Empire ready to be killed on the frontlines of a never-ending war that is started on multiple different fronts at the same time?

If not, then try the only

other option!

Maybe the Covenant isn’t your cup of tea. Never fear! You can join up with the UNSC, who are humanity's last defense against the Covenant horde! Built upon a fascist government that rules from Earth over many solar systems, the UNSC is the strongest human military in the universe. And let’s salute to that!

Well-funded after 31 bloody, bloody years of being tasked with murdering farmers asking for independence, they are ready to stop playing around nuking the surfaces of independent planets, and are eager and ready to fight the Covenant! You can scream in horror as your friend’s arm proceeds to burn in a green fire after only being grazed by a lob of superheated plasma.

Even if you are tough enough to join the ranks of the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers, you’ll probably land your pod in a swamp and drown after your door fails to open! Well, at least it’s better than being gunned down immediately as you charge out of your oneway casket. That almost never happens anymore!

While the odds are always against you in the UNSC, you can take peace in knowing that the armored champions of your army, Spartans, are actually mentally unstable super-soldiers who were kidnapped at the age of six, taught to kill, and then experimented on until they were forcibly augmented into seven-foot-tall killing machines!

And the best things about Spartans is that they can never die! Everybody knows they just go missing in action — biding their time until they can return to help you normal soldiers out. This totally isn’t a ploy used by the higher ups who fear the plummeting morale if you see a Spartan blown to bits in front of you.

Oh, and there is also a shadow organization that puppeteers the entire military and commits more war crimes and experiments on its own personnel. Oops.

And so now you know what we’re bringing to the table, the only question we need to ask is rearing to be answered!

Which faction will you join?

theMQ.org • April 28, 2021

5

Nintendo Power’s Top 5

2021 is gearing up to be q Nintendo Power is here to tell you which u

5

Aah! A Bear! The Running From An Alaskan Grizzly Simulator

Animal Farm Crossing

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Every now and then, a game comes along that boldly speaks to the human condition.

That dares to hold up a mirror to the player.

That asks, “Who is really being played?”

Until a game like that comes out, play this delightful romp: Aah! A Bear! The Running From An Alaskan Grizzly Simulator. Drop into the Yukon wilderness and look deep into the carnivorous gaze of a hungry Alaskan grizzly. Resistance is futile, but boy is it fun!

Distract the bear with a salmon that has flown upstream to fuck, or seek the help of a disgruntled park ranger who is more focused on his “unbearable” loneliness.

There’s no pausing or quitting, so strap in — it’s your life at stake!

Fifth on our list of the year’s top five most anticipated games is the next installment in the cute and fun Animal Crossing series: Animal Farm Crossing! Watch as Tom Nook is turned into a shell of the man he once was as three pig villagers depose him from his position as landlord! It’s your choice to either align with the pigs and hunt down Blathers (who, despite being an owl, is a member of the intelligentsia aligned with the real capitalist pigs), or side with brand new character McCarthy the Monkey as you blacklist all the villagers seen with the new pig oligarchy. You can try and leave the island, but you’ll be jailed as a defector!

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Admiring Art: Love

Nintendo Power’s number one most anticipated game of the year is none other than Admiring Art: Love on Lib UC San Diego’s campus. While some first-years would be focusing on starting classes, making friends, or devel tiful Stuart Art Collection pieces, including the shy What Hath God Wrought, the cool and collected Rock Bear,

Check out some of your potential lovers in this a

Sun God

While Sun God may appear to be another sexy jock who loves to work out, once you get to know this all-powerful deity, you may find them to be quite the scholar. Sure they love their frat, ΣΥΝ, but they also value community service, and the philosophical queries they posit from classic literature are surprisingly thorough. Their body is a temple, will you get on your knees to worship?

“You seem like a fish out of water, dude.

I’m guessin’ you’re a new kid on the block.

Think you got what it takes to make it in the big leagues?”

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April 28, 2021 • theMQ.org

Snake Path

Most Anticipated Games

quite the year in gaming! upcoming games you should look out for!

It’s A-Mii: The Mario Lookalike Contest

Chief & Kratos At The Olympic Winter Games

“If you’re gonna commit a crime, why identity theft?

Murder is right there!

So is tax evasion.”

3 2 Hide your little siblings while playing this M-rated bloodsport of unrestrained winter fun! Master Chief and Kratos have come together to compete in everyone’s second-favorite Olympics. The UNSC has reclaimed Reach to be an ice skating rink while Kratos was too busy trying to get sex included as an olympic sport! Use an M12 Warthog as a bobsled, have your son stab someone during a wrestling competition, and take no fall damage during the ski jump. Or forget it all, and watch the world’s slowest 100 meter dash!

There’s no gold medals here, your victories are measured either by the number of Oracles following you or the amount of blood soaking your battle skirt.

Grow or otherwise acquire a moustache, ‘cause it’s time to impersonate Nintendo’s most beloved plumber extraordinaire! You play as an otherwise unassuming denizen of the Mushroom Kingdom, seeking to make a name for yourself in the annual Mario Lookalike Contest, but egads! What’s this?

So many of the entries are too good and nobody can tell who the real Mario is! Now it’s your job to find the genuine Mario before a fake steals his identity and takes out a loan in his name! Meet every iteration of Mario as he’s appeared in previous games, then closely analyze the most minute details in Mario’s stache, and — most importantly — ignore the Italian-American speaking up about the insensitive portrayal of Italians in the game.

e on Library Walk

brary Walk. An original dating simulator from TheMQ Studios, this game puts you in the shoes of a first-year on loping a caffeine dependency, you are looking for love in all the right places. Romance all the wonderfully beau, the quirky Fallen Star, or even the hotheaded Silent Tree. In any case, you’ll be loving this art about loving art!

actual game that will be released on themq.org!

What Hath God You’ve always seen them out of Wrought Snake Path: UC San Diego is chock-full of the corner of your eye, but now nerd and dweebs, and Snake Path is no different. But who said intellect doesn’t have sex appeal? Despite their serpentine form, this theater kid is quite the bookworm. Ask them about the Dewey Decimal system, or perhaps — see what you can get away with while being quiet enough for the seventh floor in Geisel!

“What would he do, had he the motive and the cue for passion that I have?”

you’re looking at them head on.

And what a bright visage you see — full of passions, quiet contemplation, and the knowledge that they could find out anyone’s social security number, but choose not to. You don’t really understand them, but that’s fine. Some things don’t need to be understood to be loved.

“-.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . / -.-. ..- - .”

theMQ.org • April 28, 2021

7

System Update: The State of Gaming

New Smash Character: Just A Sword

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

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Beta Tester

uring the last Mini Direct presentation, Nintendo revealed the long-awaited fourth DLC character for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. This time, Nintendo opted for a first-party pick; the newcomer is the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda series, the third “sword” character alongside Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII and Pyra/Mythra from Xenoblade Chronicles 2.

According to a Nintendo representative, the new character will “spice up the gameplay with diverse, never-beforeseen gameplay that will make you rethink everything you know about Smash.”

The choice of the character makes a lot of sense; the sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is anticipated to be announced in the foreseeable future. Nintendo most likely wants to market one of their flagship series by adding a familiar character to their crossover fighting game.

In the announcement video, Master Sword’s moveset was

briefly put on display, including action-shots of it lying on the ground, glowing and shooting beams (in whatever direction the sword was lying), and sometimes reflecting the light that is shone on it.

This “underwhelming” demonstration was disappointing to many fans, but the moveset “perfectly reflects what a sword would behave like in a fighting game,” according to IGN’s review of the announcement video. “A great idea would’ve been to add Fi (a character from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword who lives within the sword and assists the main character) to go along with Master Sword, but director Masahiro Sakurai stated, ‘Unfortunately, it would be extremely difficult to get copyright for Fi to appear in the game,’ even though Nintendo owns all the rights on the character.”

Many fans are upset that Nintendo has added another sword character to the roster.

With approximately 25% of the game’s roster consisting of

characters that wield swords (with a considerable portion being characters from Fire Emblem series), this addition “doesn’t diversify the rosters, which defeats the purpose of Smash being a crossover game,” according to youtuber Blaz Krönki. “It’s also frustrating how Nintendo gradually keeps making the characters more and more swordlike, which is not only mundane, but also just boring. After all, who would want to use a sword? This character addition only makes the game more and more sword focused, which takes away from the fun.”

“Of course, I am sure many players would enjoy playing as Master Sword,” continued Krönki. “But, it would be interesting to see more characters from franchises new to the Super Smash Bros series. It would be amazing to see characters like 2B from Nier: Automata, who is a sword-wielding android; or Dante from the Devil May Cry series, a mercenary who fights demons with various weapons including a sword. I’m sure a lot of fans would be happy to see these popular characters, and Nintendo definitely needs to capitalize on their popularity among the fans.

Furthermore, their weapon choices will definitely add a lot to the gameplay and make it more diverse and exciting. It’ll definitely contrast the array of boring sword fighters we have from games like Fire Emblem and The Legend of Zelda.”

Despite the controversy, many are excited that Master Sword made it to the game, and even more so about Bullet Bill, whose entrance was teased at the end of the presentation.

Meet the Gamer that “Fucking Despises” Gamers

BY STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

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The Dad Who Works at Nintendo

or the first time in 15 years, Nintendo Power sat down with James Laynor, a former Nintendo World Champion and avid gamer to this day! We discussed the changes in gaming culture, and his excitement for some upcoming games on Nintendo Switch!

Nintendo Power: Thanks for meeting with us! What has the great James Laynor been up to since the Nintendo World Championship over a decade ago?

James Laynor: Thanks for having me!

The past 15 years have definitely been turbulent, but they’ve been good! I graduated with a degree in computer science and was able to land a steady job as a software engineer around a year or so after graduation! I also have an incredible partner and two amazing kids.

NP: That’s great!

Do you play any games with your kids?

JL: Yeah! We got a Nintendo Switch a while ago, and it’s been great. The kids love classics like Mario Kart, but recently we’ve been having a lot of fun on Overcooked 2 — though it can get intense sometimes!

NP: I understand what you mean! Do you play any other games?

JL: *Laughs* God no.

NP: Really? I figured a superstar gamer such as yourself would have a pretty extensive game library.

JL: I mean … I do. But my job keeps me pretty busy,

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and you know how it is being a dad. It’s just been a while since I had the free time to play like I used to. But at the same time, I hope I’m never as big of a gamer as I was 15 years ago.

NP: Why’s that?

JL: Well, there’s nothing inherently wrong with games themselves. Hell, my kids and I have had a fantastic time. It’s amazing when you’re able to get together and play games with loved ones, both friends and family. But gamers nowadays? You’ve practically sold your soul.

line. I mean, have you seen StarCraft 2’s general chat?

NP: I can’t say that I have, no.

JL: It’s a genuine cesspool, full of people I’m almost certain will bring about the downfall of the human species. I want my kids to play games that will challenge and enrich them — with diverse stories and characters that will expand their view on life. Gamers are the antithesis of that. I want my kids to play games, but I don’t know what I would do if they became gamers.

NP: Those are some pretty strong words. What exactly do you mean by that?

JL: Frankly?

Gamers are toxic as all hell. I see it time and time again, from Modern Warfare 2 to League of Legends … Christ, I’ve even heard of people throwing around slurs in E-rated games like Rocket League.

I had hoped it would only be a small percentage of people who are sexist, racist, and otherwise horrible, but something like 80% of gamers have experienced some form of toxicity on-

NP: Okay, but isn’t anyone who plays games a gamer?

JL: In a literal sense, sure.

But that’s an issue of semantics — so don’t try to dance around the subject with the whole tu quoque bullshit. We both know what I’m talking about: capital “G” Gamers.

And I think you and I both know, deep down, that the best thing for video games is getting rid of gamers.

NP: … So are there any games you’re looking forward to on Switch?

JL: Oh, New Pokémon Snap, hands down.

April 28, 2021 • theMQ.org

Check Out Advanced Breeding Techniques in Pokemon Emerald!

BY ANDREW SITKO

Zero Suit Wario n Pokémon Emerald, there are many things a young 10 year-old trainer can do!

While battling pokémon is the main event, young trainers can explore, complete collections, solve mysteries, compete in beauty pageant competitions, build friendships with the pokémon, and even forcibly breed them in the hopes that their physical traits are ideal!

Shiny breeding is a new and fun activity that any trainer can get into and get the hang of quickly! Simply get any two pokémon that are compatible for breeding, head to Mauville City, and ask the daycare owner to hold onto your pokémon.

From here, you simply wait until they tell you an egg has appeared and walk until it hatches. If your newborn pokémon that you helped bring into this world is undesirable, simply throw them into your PC box and try again!

Shiny breeding is a process about patience and staying

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committed to a goal. It may take multiple PC boxes to eventually find a shiny pokémon, but even with the limited space in your PC, there are always options to continue breeding! If you find your PC full of pokémon, simply release all of the pokémon into the wild and allow your newly spawned creations to roam the peaceful Mauville City. It doesn’t matter if your pokémon are literally balloons of noxious gas, the anthropomorphization of lava, or are known to be hostile to humans, you’re the trainer and you’re the most important!

Thinking that shiny breeding might be expensive? It only costs money to release your pokémon from daycare.

You can keep breeding without paying fees and force y o u r pokémon to mate over and over while their

spawn compete for food in a small town of defenseless people. Still worried about clutching onto your hard earned pokédollars that you wrenched from other trainers after mauling their best friends half to death? The economic strife that you have placed Mauville City in as it deals with a neverending expansion of dangerous animals from an unknown source might set a few people off, but if your pokédollars haven’t increased in value after a few weeks of famine, disease, and violence, then your promise to bring even more of their problems into the crumbling infrastructure of your breeding wake will surely change some minds.

Pokémon shiny breeding is a wonderful new trend that has trainers raving! Remember, there are over 150 different pokémon that have a special shiny variant! You could literally never stop! Remember players, when pokémon shiny breeding, always remember to make them tremble in your presence.

It thinks. o d n e t n i It knows.

The New N ller An appendage o r t n o C o Pr that says Produces its own sweat

“Bop it!”

Edible, but tastes bad A “Do not press the button” button

Three different X buttons Comes with a second shitty controller to give to your little brother

Mood ring attached Moans every time you insert a new game

C’mon Gamers, Let’s Put the Gaming Back into This Gaming Platform!

BY DANIELA RUMOR

Head of PR chool always has to ruin everything, am I right?

The newest thing it’s been poisoning with its total uncoolness is Discord, which we true gamers still think of as a gaming platform. But now all the normies and jocks have infected it — they made it about people coming together to ask pertinent questions about areas of schoolwork they’re struggling with. It makes us over at Nintendo Power here SICK! Where’s the gaming? Why are people’s usernames their actual names now, like “Paul,” or “Dylan,” instead of proper nicknames, like “Gay Rat,” or “Scrapegoat?”

How do some people justify having poetry lines — or god forbid — their own pretentious thoughts as their custom status? Do some people really think that the phrase “life is a search for inexorable energy” is good enough to be seen by other people? And where is the interest and money spent in gaming? Where’s the people you see online playing League of Legends? We’ll settle for people playing Valorant at this point. Halo, even.

We’re desperate.

Gaming as we know it is changing, and we don’t like that. Have you noticed

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that everything is just different now? It feels like our spaces have been invaded with thoughtful people.

Nowadays, people are complaining about the lack of inclusivity in gaming, or how people of color are sexualized, or how player customization enforces a gender binary, or how many games

lack strong female characters, or how LGBTQ+ rights are often sidelined — moreso for the representation of transgender characters, or how many minorities are killed off to further a white person’s storyline, or how women in games are still sexualized or … well. It’s bad to complain, you know? Just keep that to yourself.

Don’t drag down the vibes for everyone else. It makes us over at Nintendo feel really, really bad. It’s not our fault

we don’t have good enough representation. It’s the game developers who answer to us.

Wait, no. It’s a single person high up on the ladder who definitely is not the CEO. Wait — it’s our long-time fans who raised this problem in the first place. Yeah! Let’s go with that.

It’s definitely not a systemic issue enforced by a multitude of people and a history of catering to the demographic we find the most likely to give us money, at the expense of everyone else.

And now, with Discord being used as just a funky site for friends, gaming as we know it is going to change.

It’s the end of the world. It’s Ganon taking over Hyrule. It’s Tom Nook foreclosing your house. It’s Yoshi getting shot in the head and bleeding out. You don’t want that, do you?

You want to respect gaming, and use gaming platforms, and spend money on Nintendo games, and stop collaborating with each other, and stop bringing attention to the inequality in games, don’t you? Don’t you?

And no, we’re not going to let you connect your Nintendo account to Discord. Please stop asking us. We’re not going to do it.

Kiss my ass, Daniela Rumor

E3 Delayed After Announcement for E4: “Innovating a Better, Faster, Smarter” Gaming Convention

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

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Non-Playable Satirist

n partnership with the Entertainment Software Association, Nintendo is proud to announce that the 2021 edition of hit annual expo E3 has been delayed indefinitely to make way for a new kind of gaming experience. Jampacked with faster speeds and better performance than ever before, the ESA is unveiling the next iteration of their convention series: Electronic Entertainment Expo: Extra, or E4. The successor of the widely popular convention will feature presentations from professionals across the industry, including Nintendo’s very own development studios. The past year has put immense strain on all of us, including the privileged CEOs and CMOs with little connection to the overworked programmers and developers in our studios. But we at Nintendo hope to unveil the new technologies that will bring the full E3 experience to all attendees from the comfort of their own homes.

“We knew we had to come out with something more powerful that could serve

BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY

Beta Tester acing increasing climate change effects, the public has been placing pressure on large corporations to significantly reduce their greenhouse gas emissions.

The largest contributor to climate change, Nintendo, has experienced the most scrutiny for their gasoline-fueled kart racing, despite the company’s claim that their rate of emissions were “speeding up less than they did last year.

That’s progress.”

Millions of children and adults load up Mario Kart every day to battle their friends, and each session can last up to several hours.

According to climate change specialists, just one 30-minute round of Mario Kart emits 0.69 pounds of various greenhouse gases directly into the atmosphere. These levels of greenhouse gases are warming the earth at an “alarmingly dangerous rate.”

Climate activists began calling out Nintendo on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, but even after weeks of this cyber scandal, there was radio silence on Nintendo’s behalf.

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Nintendo was finally urged to break their silence after Elon Musk, the creator of Tesla, threatened to “take matters into [his] own hands” if Nintendo didn’t publicly apologize. In response, the president of Nintendo of America, Doug Bowser, issued an apology via Instagram Boomerang, writing the text: “Im sowwy,” atop a moving selfie with a kitty filter on. This apology was not well received by most social media users, but Elon Musk himself tweeted that he was “the most upset out of everyone.” Just two hours later, Bowser suddenly took down his apology and posted a video of him sitting in a dark room saying that he’s “updating all versions of Mario Kart to replace the karts with electric Teslas to reduce Nintendo’s carbon footprint and also because Teslas are awesome and Elon Musk is a hunk.”

Although the majority of his audience were busy celebrating this environmental victory, there were some Instagram followers that were startled by the video. One Instagrammer commented: “If you zoom in on Bowser’s eyes,

you can see the reflection of Elon Musk pointing a Glock at him.” Upon the release of the new environmentally friendly update, users noticed that all of the new electric kart selections were the same Tesla model in slightly different colors, and that all of the characters in the game were replaced by Elon Musk wearing different hats.

While climate change activists were “obviously very ecstatic” about the introduction of electric vehicles, longtime Mario Kart fans were surprisingly even more excited, claiming that the new electric karts have made the game better than ever. One very dedicated Mario Kart racer explained he loves the update because “the game’s packaging comes with a free syringe to inject yourself with a special serum that Elon Musk says makes you better at Mario karting!”

Ultimately, Nintendo’s decision to swap out the traditional Mario karts for electric vehicles was beneficial for both crowds. Climate change activists were satisfied by Nintendo’s rapid reduction in their carbon footprint and dedicated Nintendo fans were incredibly enthusiastic about the special Elon Musk serum and its effect on the quality of the game. One such fan, when interviewed, opened his mouth and spewed out binary code, which was later translated into: “Elon Musk is the greatest man alive. Praise him. Elon Musk is king!”

hall floor you can never forget.

Through a DualSense wireless controller and virtual-augmented-superimposed-reality technology, tickets will feel and respond to your input more effectively than ever before — and you will misplace them even faster. It also has more teraflops than any other expo on the market. I don’t think anyone really knows what that means but it sounds cool.”

Video games journalist Janet Simon Gillbert, reporting for Polyhderon, is already getting hardcore and casual gamers alike hyped for the new technology E4 is debuting. “Our time has come!

With your VR goggles, you can stare holes through Todd Howard as he announces another release of Skyrim, and he won’t even know!”

However you want to engage with the community, we are here to empower you to make the choices you have earned and buy our products out of brand loyalty to childhood nostalgia. Get less for your money at E4: the better, faster, smarter convention, which will only be one-upped next year by next generation technology just as functionally similar.

See Your Favorite Nintendo Switch Games From a Whole New Position With the Newly Released Nintendo Top and Nintendo Bottom!

BY MATTHEW WARE Beta Tester

Nintendo Replaces Mario Karts with Electric Vehicles to Reduce Carbon Footprint

our customers the immersive expo experience they deserve,” says Mike Rosoft, president and CEO of the ESA. “Here at ESA, we aim to exceed all expectations. We are always striving to do more — and we owe you, especially in the wake of the unfortunate cancellation of E3 2020. We know you couldn’t wait to be immersed in a sweaty convention room full of nerds, so we are bringing the experience to you, in the comfort of your own home.”

The new convention experience is designed to engage all of the senses and the human drive for prestige and performance. “Gaming has become a central — if not the central — part of our lives, and so have the events that cultivate our passion and drive to continue to excel in everything we do from our sofas,” said Rosoft.

“E4 will captivate the imagination and creative spark that defines a good gaming experience for the next generation. This innovative convention integrates the sleekest, shortest, longest wait lines on the market with optimised cutting-edge 4K high-fidelity graphics to deliver an ultra-realistic experience of a jam-packed convention

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n June 1, the two most fabulous consoles in “gayming” history will be available in an American store near you: The Nintendo Top and The Nintendo Bottom.

You gays and your fun little terms! Top, bottom, switch and all that. Or top, bottom, vers?

Whatever it was, we’ve got the product for you! To show our support for our lovable gays during Pride Month, our team of artists and researchers designed these new consoles so that you can show off your support too! Yas, queen!

After watching a couple episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race and conducting an interview with our only gay employee, we are proud to say that we think we nailed it!

For the Nintendo Bottom, we wanted to design a console that our freshly-douched male clientele could take “Pride” in. Play Animal Crossing on your trips to the salon, or Animal Crossing while getting dominated in bed by your big, manly partner. No longer will you have to choose between yelling, “I AM A BOTTOM,” to a crowd of shirtless men, as we know you regularly do, and playing Animal Crossing on your next ferry to Fire Island!

To achieve this, we attached leather wrist straps around the Joy-Con controllers for easier handling. We’ve also changed the Joy-Con controllers to produce stronger vibration feedback so that your experience is amplified as you get dominated in Smash.

Lastly, we decided to make the joysticks on each controller look like the head of a penis, because we know how much bottoms are always thinking about cock.

Exclusively for our alpha gamers (sorry ladies), the Nintendo Top will be sure to satisfy all our sexy, gym-loving beefcakes. Our tech wizards have added bioelectrical impedance analysis technology into the Joy-Con controllers so you can enjoy calculating your body fat percentage while playing Cooking Mama. In addition, the controllers can also measure your heart rate as you sculpt your almostperfect body into looking like Donkey Kong or a Machamp.

Dr. Mario would be blushing!

And to “top” it all off, each Nintendo Top weighs a full 50 pounds more than other models! Nobody will ever question the fact that you are a one-dimensional meathead ever again!

With either console, we have made it possible for players to log into their Grindr account to find local players and play their favorite games over the internet. In addition, a Nintendo Top and a Nintendo Bottom can be synced up so that tops can set limits on play time for their bottoms, as well as remotely activate the rumble feature on their bottom’s joycons. Werk!

There will be six exciting launch titles: The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Dildo, Mario Kart 69: Drag Racing, Luigi’s Mansion 5 (which features our first openly-gay Boos that

are sort of implied to be male, shoved in the corner of one of the rooms — close enough to imply they might be kissing!), Gay Tetris, Pokémon Top (only available for Nintendo Top), and Pokémon Bottom (only available for Nintendo Bottom). For our upcoming Pokémon games, Game Freak has now allowed users to breed pokémon of the same gender.

In addition, pokémon can now use Attract on pokémon of the same gender. No other video game has ever made this kind of stride for gay rights, so don’t miss out!

For $450.00, you can get either console which comes with your choice of an exclusive gays-only sticker. Options for stickers include “Out and Proud Gaymer,” “Harder, Bowser!” and “Anal sex is my One-Up.” Just remember to make your purchases before June 30, because afterwards, you won’t be able to tell these offers ever existed. Maybe other gamers haven’t decided which sexual roles they prefer, but now you can show the world you’re not a switch, you’re a Nintendo Top or a Nintendo Bottom!

Editor’s note: Upon reading this, our gay employee has informed us that the correct term is vers, not switch, and he thought we were making a BDSM-themed console.

However, we already have 10,000 Nintendo Tops and Nintendo Bottoms in production, and to be honest we never really cared about getting it right. Preorder yours today!

theMQ.org • April 28, 2021

9

Straight from the Source Code Rising Sea Levels Threaten Minecraft’s Coasts

BY MATTHEW MILTIMORE

Level 5 Fiendish Warlock s Minecraft tunnels towards its next update, version 1.17, players rejoice in looking forward to revamped generation of cliffs and caves. However, Minecraft scientists have little time to celebrate, as they remain diligently focused on countering the largest existential threat faced by Steves and Alexes everywhere: Minecraft climate change.

Mojang, the development team behind the game so beloved by children and adults who miss Legos, has always strived to “construct a game filled with rich and diverse biomes which themselves encompass a larger, interconnected biosphere,” according to Mojang’s Chief Creative Officer, Saxs Persson. “And yes, my name is real, despite it sounding like an alien trying to pass-off as a jazz musician.”

While this wide range of biomes has allowed players to discover the wonders of

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the natural world through a “sticky little keyboard,” it is this exploration which now threatens Minecraft’s most vulnerable ecosystems. “Minecraft players have always ventured into the wonderful, procedurally-generated biomes of their worlds, yet they do so not to revel in natural beauty, but to extract and exploit its most precious resources,” claimed Beeb Sleeve, renowned Minecraft conservationist. “From felling whole tracts of rainforest, to massive monocropping operations, players fail to protect the land they respawn upon.”

Dr. Plaicyne Blauks, a premiere Minecraft physicist, shares Sleeve’s concern, and added that “perhaps the most damaging behavior performed by players today is the continued mining and burning of coal. See, when players burn coal to smelt iron ore, or to cook beef into steak, they release carbon dioxide. This gas is then trapped in the atmosphere which then raises

the world’s temperature. I would call this the greenhouse effect, but I just built a sick house out of green terracotta, and I don’t want the negative connotation to harsh my vibe.”

The rising temperatures alone may not have been such a big problem, but following the 2018 addition of the “frozen ocean” biome, Minecraft players are now faced with a major environmental crisis. “Now that icebergs and glaciers are a core part of the game, the rising temperatures are causing these ice formations to melt and sea levels to subsequently rise,” remarked Dr. Blauks. “Coastal systems throughout Minecraft worlds are now at significant risk.”

“The first thing to go was my sugarcane farm,” claimed x_FutureDilf_x, a long-time Minecraft player and Twitch streamer. “That sugarcane coast was how I built my enchantment room. With it gone, I feel lost, like a piece of me is missing. Of course, I al-

ready have a fully-automatic, tileable 30-story automatic farm, but it’s just not the same with the original gone.”

Mr. Dilf and players like him are not the only ones affected by rising sea levels. Several villages near the coast have become partially submerged and many villagers forced to relocate. When asked to comment, one of these climate refugees simply replied, “Hurrgh.”

Local Potter’s Business Booming After Hero Passes Through Town

BY MARIA DHILLA

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Queen Slime Enemy

everal days ago, a local delinquent visited Rarakiro Village in Central Myrule and smashed every single pot in sight. Now, the locals are left to pick up the shards of their broken porcelain and china piece by mottled clay piece. “The smashing of so many of my expertly-crafted vases, jars, and chamber pots hurts me to my core,” said Old Man, the potter who lives on the outskirts of town, “I am immensely thankful to the

people of my town who continue to support me and my overpriced crockery.”

According to Oompa, the village leader who was out cleaning up the pottery pieces, this streak of pot-smashing began “only a couple of months ago, when some ambiguously-aged kid in a green tunic showed up and smashed everything.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk!

He just grunts and yells while destroying private property, almost like he’s the reincar-

nated soul of a legendary hero or something.”

It seems as though the villagers have gotten used to this occurrence, continuing to buy up Old Man’s entire stock to help support his business each time after the mysterious pot-smasher passes through town. Shrugging, Oompa explained: “Eh, we just deal with it. Our pots are nothing special, they’re just painstakingly handcrafted clay, and besides, it's not like we keep our valuables in there!”

However, some villagers have claimed that they saw Old Man speaking to the pot-smasher in hushed tones behind his hut. “I was about to buy a replacement chamber pot, when I saw Old Man hiding in the bushes with the pot-smasher, pointing to a detailed overworld map of Rarakiro Village,” said one nameless villager.

After much outrage, Old Man released a statement, claiming that “there has been no collusion between myself and that no good, very bad pot-smasher, who I am certain will not smash our pots for another month or so.

In the meantime, buy more of my totally long-lasting, resilient, expensive pottery!”

Last week, a travelling merchant by the name of Needle came forward and claimed that he not only knows the identity of the potsmasher, but also witnessed his illicit exchange with the potter from his viewpoint in the stables. “Yeah, I’ve seen that guy, I’m everywhere! His name is Blink and he’s going to save Princess Imelda and the entirety of Myrule … or my name’s not Needle!”

According to Needle, he saw Old Man pay off Blink to smash the pots once a month after the warranty had expired, forcing villagers to purchase new pots, thereby increasing his profit margins.

Upon further testing, it was discovered that Old Man’s pots were not as long-lasting or resilient as he claimed, as they disintegrated if they were merely knocked over. Blink, who had been backflipping all over Myrule, was questioned about his motive for colluding with Old Man. However, he only had the following to say: “Hiya! Huahh! Aaaaah!”

It can be concluded that he was in it for the sheer joy of breaking other people’s shit for no good reason.

Aged RPG Protagonist Still Hoarding Potions for “Final Boss Battle”

BY JACK YANG

Tiny Slime Enemy lex Alteria, the legendary heroine of Etheria, celebrated her 89th birthday last week, sitting in her Cloud Village cottage amongst her friends, family, and 219 minor health potions. According to Cloud Village locals, Alteria has been guarding her stash of untouched healing items ever since she and her travelling companions defeated the Demon Lord Diabolus almost 70 years ago.

Locals become baffled just by walking into the Alteria residence. Rooms full of healing items aside, the closets and bathrooms are filled to the brim with assorted spell scrolls, duplicate weapons, and revive charms. When asked about her stockpile of supplies, Alteria had this to say: “Look, I may not be the young and beautiful hero I once was, but I’ll be damned if I had to give up these health

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potions. Who knows if Diabolus will return? Yes, I defeated him in his so-called ‘final form,’ but isn’t that just something someone would say if they, oh, I don’t know, had more forms? Until then, it’s not like keeping these potions around is hurting anyone.”

However, according to Princess Serena, ruler of Etheria and wife to the legendary heroine, the hoarding of healing items is just the beginning.

“I can get used to all these potions,” says the Princess, “but to still be carrying that Plain Short Sword around after we presented her with the Ceremonial Blade of the Sky King? Well, it just feels a little ungrateful. What’s worse, she hasn’t changed her clothes in all these years. Despite my insisting that she come to the castle and get outfitted with some royal dress, she still insists on wearing this grimy Cloud Village guard uniform and playing her whole ‘aw-

April 28, 2021 • theMQ.org

shucks’ underdog hero role.

You’re royalty now, for crying out loud! You could at least look the part.”

“It’s hard for her to stop reliving the glory days,” says Lucius Wolfsbane, the mage of Alteria’s original questing party. “I think she was the one hit hardest by our decision to disband our party. I’ve since gotten a job as a High Alchemist, and it’s been keeping me busy; our old gunner Deadeye Doris, rest her soul, talked about opening a restaurant.

But I can tell that all the sitting around during peacetime had got Alex going a little stircrazy. Heck, I’ve never seen her more alive than when she was toe-to-toe with Etheria’s most dangerous monsters ... Now that I say it out loud, maybe we should have paid more attention to her. Not saying she was, like, a sadist, but, you know, we should have helped her find a better outlet after the war. I hope she’s doing okay.”

Alteria has since been seen with her wife, taking walks about Cloud Village and unsuccessfully attempting to smash nearby pottery.

Hey Kidz! Do You Ever Have Trouble Getting Your Parents To Buy You the Latest Nintendo Games?

Try Out These Methods To Convince Them!

1. Hold your breath 2. Start crying in Target 3. Pretend to like WWII enough to sit through a documentary with your father 4. Convince them it's actually your birthday 5. Steal it from GameStop so it’s a crime if they don't 6. Everytime you pass buy a gaming display, tell your friends, “But I really love that game,” and it'll roll to your house like the old Chef Boyardee commercials 7. It may seem counterintuitive, but bribe them 8. Say it promotes the word of Christ 9. Pull out all your teeth and put them under your pillow 10. Ask really, really nicely

Unskippable Cutscene Cooking Mama Owes Me Sex

BY ANONYMOUS INCEL

Oedipal Redditor normally discourage the presence of female protagonists in video games because I believe they are not as strong nor as cool as men.

Additionally, female protagonists are just unrealistic.

Like, what would happen when the female character gets her period, huh? She’d probably get super emotional and do something irrational like start a war because her nail polish chipped, or she saw a cute animal, or someone disrespected her autonomy. Men would never be that emotional or insecure. That’s why I made it a personal rule to only play video games with sexy, powerful, alpha men like me as the main characters.

There is, however, one video game with a female protagonist that I like to play. And it’s called — and hear me out fellow gamers — Cooking Mama. I love Cooking Mama. It teaches young females how to cook and clean for their husbands, which are two things that females these days don’t do enough of. They’re too busy thinking of things like “equality,” “reproductive rights,” and thinking that they could handle a man’s job. But Cooking Mama puts young girls in their proper place: the kitchen. Not only is this video game encouraging fe-

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males to become the best housewives they can be, but Cooking Mama herself is also very hot! She’s got the perfect trifecta: she doesn’t talk too much, she’s got enormous honkers, and she reminds me of my mother!

Because Cooking Mama is the perfect female for me, she therefore owes me her body. I’ve developed and tested a number of tech-

niques to bring Cooking Mama to life. At first, I tried using a long vertical pillow with her face, body, and saucepan delicately placed on top of it to make it seem like she was here. But when that didn’t really do it for me, I devised a more reasonable plan to search for and capture Cooking Mama lookalikes in my area. I advertised

all around town, hanging up fliers that read: “Seeking Local Milfs: Must Love Cooking and Sex.” I specified the required face and body measurements and added a photo of my mother for reference.

I planned on auditioning all the females that responded, accepting only those who satisfy my needs and respond to the name “Mama,” but to my surprise, no females decided to take me up on my offer. At first, I could not figure out why. Perhaps, I pondered, it was the fact that I refused to provide compensation. But then I realized it was probably just because females are so stupid that they couldn’t understand what a privilege it would be to cook for me and have really awesome, really good sex with me!

Even though my excellent plan did not work, I’m not giving up. I’m still determined to receive the sex that Cooking Mama owes me. So, I am calling on all of my fellow misogynistic gamer incels to help me meet my sexy Mama in real life. She is the perfect female for me, and I long for the day I can hold her gigantic mommy milkers in my hands. Please PM me on Reddit @u/gloriousrealm if you have any information that might help me get with the real-life fictional female of my dreams.

I Am the Gamer Who Doesn’t Understand Buttons: This Is My Story

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

Ancient Evil et’s get one thing clear: I know what buttons are. I wear pants almost every day of my life. That’s not what this is about.

I’m not proud of what I am, you know. It’s just ... buttons. I don’t get it. I don’t get it! I just don’t get them!

They’re just there, with little letters on them that mean absolutely nothing to me. And then you touch them, and they ... touch you back? Ew. Don’t get me started on how each type of controller is different. I almost got the hang of Mario Kart until I tried to play Call of Duty. I kept expecting to drop my banana peels, but all I managed to do was throw a grenade.

Some buttons are normal, round things, but other times, they’re Cthulhu guts jutting viciously out of controllers. When you press them, you see some ridiculous

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fake map, or a list of inventory supplies you’ll never need. Some buttons are just there, only meant to be pressed once every blue moon. These strange buttons call to you, begging to be used, even though they have freak letters on them

that you don’t think should be next to each other, like RL. Ugh, RL. I get shivers just thinking about that blight on humanity. I am Sisyphus, continuing up the mountain of gaming with my boulder of obsequience — forced to continue pressing buttons though I know not why or how, trudging endlessly in my task until I press the wrong thing and am forced to go back all the way down to the main menu. I tread onwards, endlessly, beating back

against the wave of zombie hoards until a misplaced crossbow fire gets me shot in the head.

I haven’t played many games recently, I’m too burned out from it all. They stopped being enjoyable for me. It’s kind of weird, you know? At first it seemed cool that I could win without knowing any combos, or even how to jump on purpose.

The luck of the draw, perhaps. But my wins never feel earned. Neither do my losses though, so at least there’s that!

Day in and day out, it was the same routine. The same screen. The same me. But different buttons. You just press things, and then things happen, and then more things happen, and then a screen pops up saying if you’ve won or lost. Sometimes people talk, and that’s an interesting break from monotony, but then it’s back to button pressing. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were games you could just play without pressing buttons? And you would just watch characters talking to each other, a plot unfolding along the way? Too bad games like that don’t exist yet, and I must stay this way: a gamer without a cause, rebelling against the constraints of Big Nintendo.

Apology Island: I'm Sorry for Cheating on Poptropica Speedruns

BY CRAZYTORNADO57

Poptropican Native t’s been a really tough time for me, and I think I owe it to my fans to come clean about the rumors they’ve been hearing about me. My name is CrazyTornado57.

Many of you may know me as the current world record holder in the now iconic Youtube video “NOT CLICKBAIT: Woah!!!!!! Look at this Super-Fast Poptropica Shark Fin Island Speedrunner!!!!!!!!” The title of Fastest FloatingHeaded Poptropican is something that I hold very close to my heart.

This achievement took so much of my blood, sweat, and childhood memories, and I feel as though I have been very open in sharing my experience training with all my fans.

There have been quite a few accusations against me circling around, and I just want to get ahead of the rumors and address everything. I will admit that during the most intense period of my life, I did receive external help to cope with the intense pressures of the speedrunning sport. I will be the first to admit, after some accusations, that I often had to look up Poptropica walkthroughs that had been uploaded to Youtube in 2011 in order to solve the island.

And by often, I mean pretty much for every island. In my defense, these islands were

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super tough to figure out on my own, not to mention having to cross the entire island over and over in order to find the one piece of the puzzle takes way too long. If I wanted to cut down my time, especially with the sheer amount of loading screens the game has, I had to find creative ways to beat out the stiff competition of the high school and

middle school leagues.

Of course, I know now that this type of behavior is completely inappropriate. I know this news may be hard for my fans to hear, but it’s important to me that I continue to be transparent. It saddens me to say this, but my best times on speedrun.com will be taken down, which will unfortnately leave a completely blank board. Now, there may

be many attacks on my character during this difficult time, especially from those in the community who’ve seen me as a pillar of Poptropica, heartbroken at my so-called “lies.” But I need all my fans, whom I’ve affectionately dubbed “CrazyTornad-hoes57,” to stand by me and continue to support me, financially or otherwise.

Mostly financially.

The opportunity to represent my country in such an important game is something so few get to do. I want you to know that I never meant to take advantage of you all. And for those of you who know me from my Twitch stream, you know that I love you guys, and I make sure to tell you that everytime you give me money. So, as long as you continue to do so, I promise to never betray that trust again.

As I move past this difficult time, I will be suspending my new Twitch streams. I will still keep the old ones and gain revenue from the ads. No matter what people say, this is my choice. I am definitely not being kicked off the platform. I will take this time to hone my craft of click-and-dragging, item pack retrieval, and outfit changes. I promise I will be coming back stronger than ever. Keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming speedrun comps for SteamPunk Island!

Touch the Sky in Pilotwings! Or Don’t!

See if I Care!

BY NAMELESS PILOT

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Flight Trainee

hat’s up gamers? I’m a nameless pilot, and this return has been a long time coming. Woah! You see what’s pulling into the terminal? You’re hardly going to believe what just happened at this airport that ominously connects to nothing! It snows about a third of the time here, and you can earn your pilot's license in about 10 minutes. That’s right, baby! Hold onto your hang gliders, and set your rocket packs to max throttle, because it’s the gosh-darn airport from Pilotwings — any true gamer’s favorite game made

by Nintendo. We’re bringing it back, finally!

Seriously, humor me, at least pretend you’ve played it, okay? I’ve really had a bad day and this is the least you could do.

Experience the best graphics a children’s toy from 1990 can scrape by with as your brain does it’s best to understand the space as three dimensional even though it is clearly not rendered as such.

Fly a plane, skydive, do both of those things over and over and that’s pretty much the game!

But don’t stall out the old noggin by forgetting that weird section where you have to fly a helicopter to rescue hostages from a nearby island, where it goes from this really slow paced flight school type thing to a moving fast and shooting

things kind of game and then goes back to the flight school like nothing happened. Does this just happen every day here? Is that why they don’t seem to care? Why build the flight school so close to an enemy base in the first place?

Were the instructors in on it?

Why did they send me? They know something that I don’t. I can feel it, but the truth evades me. You’ll get the answers to

none of these questions and more if you play the game. No, seriously, look it up. You’ve already read this far, so why quit now? This game was real, there were two sequels, and nobody ever mentions those either. It’s like they completely disappeared off the face of the earth.

At least there were some Super Smash Bros stages about it.

You might recognize them as the “generic plane ones from Wii Sports Resort or something.” You know what? That’s pretty mean of you, and I’ve been meaning to talk about that.

Wacky hijinks abound in the wonderful world of Pilotwings. Learn from the pros to become a flying ace in no time as you gracefully sail through the sky in one of four vehicles, one of which is skydiving, which — I’m just going to say it — really shouldn’t count, but that’s how it is. Land a plane with ease, that’s the easiest part, just like in real life. The hard part? Navigating through the mysterious floating green rings of the island, that’s the part that really kicks you in the ass. Stop being on the ground, like a noob, and get in the air, like a tube. One with wings.

The wings of a pilot that is!

“Ey, look at this. Pushing buttons? I think you’re pushing your luck pal, if you don’t pay up that is. Yanno, now that I think about it, I don’t remember exactly how it all went so south, but I don’t know if I can change it. The way I sees it, I’m either stuck in this business, or I choose to live this way. Frankly, I don’t know which of those possibilities scares me more. This is certainly not what I wanted as a bambino.” theMQ.org • April 28, 2021

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Answers to all your gaming questions.

theMQ.org

Which pokemon is the least satanic? (from a parent)

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uch a righteous question, but the blasphemous text of the Pokédex is no place to look for Godliness. This sinful cartoon is no good for our holy children as it is riddled with subliminal Devil worship. Take Snorlax for example: the living embodiment of sloth and indifference towards godly duties. There is no doubt that this demon will turn our children into mindless blobs of laziness. Then there is Lopunny, the adulterous whore, tempting men with her seductive hips. This harlot reeks of lust! Don’t even get me started on Dugtrio! They are in a polygamous, homosexual relationship, and we can only imagine what sins are being committed under the earth! They are the opposite of the Holy Trinity! Instead of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Pokémon has Gay, Gayer, and Gayest. And if you thought a bunch of eggs were safe from heresy, you would be wrong! Exeggcute is obviously pushing pro-abortion philosiphy!

It wants to literally execute the fertilized eggs of the womb — which no pokémon or woman should have no control over. Finally we have the Antichrist himself: Mr. Mime. I could go on and on about all of these foul creatures, but the common thread of sin is that they all deny Genesis and creationism and preach the foolish myth of evolution. There is only one pokémon that is a true representation of the sanctity of the Catholic church, and that is Mimikyu — a fraud.

Why does Mario wear a hat? riginally, we said that Mario is wearing a hat because drawing a fancy hairstyle in pixel sprites proved to be far too difficult. In reality, there are much deeper reasons for Mario’s hat-wearing. See, Mario is actually just a flesh husk, and the real main character in every game is the hat he is wearing. You may have noticed that many of the power-ups in Mario games are reflected in his hat. Each power-up has a different personality as each hat is its very own person with goals and ambitions. This idea is the most exemplified in

O

the latest installment of 3D Mario games: Super Mario Odyssey. We were finally ready to reveal the most important part of Mario lore with the introduction of Cappy, a sentient cap.

If you pay close attention to the introduction sequence of the game, you can clearly see how Mario is helpless without a hat host and how he has to acquire a pilot in order to proceed.

So, this is the real reason why Mario wears a hat: he is just a body, with no soul, goal, objective or thoughts.

What is Professor Oak’s academic certification?

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ak started his career as an undergraduate studying critical gender studies at the University of Kanto Celadon before flunking out of college and embarking on a five-year offthe-books work-study in the Fuchsia City Safari Zone. Unfortunately, the warden ejected him from the premises when he discovered Oak to be a human rather than a very sick Kangaskhan. For the next decade of his life, Oak proceeded to become the very best at illegal pokémon/human cage fighting in the sewers of Goldenrod City. After watching a man’s arms get torn off by a Machamp in a semifinal tournament match, he abandoned his title as Nidoking of the Ring and returned to UKC, inspired to change his life and the world. With a new passion to eliminate violence and misunderstanding between pokemon and humans, he studied Pokémon Biology with a minor in Pokémon Sociology. He was three years into his degree when he met Aspen Magnolia, a fellow pokémon researcher studying tree-related pokémon. On a retreat to a Sudowoodo sanctuary, Oak revealed his past to Magnolia in a weekend they would never forget, an experience that would later be adapted into the feature film Love Bellossoms. Oak proceeded to write an honors thesis based on his experience in the Goldenrod sewer system before marrying Magnolia and pursuing postgraduate research in her hometown of Pallet Town. Oak and Magnolia divorced in the next year, and Oak has been stuck in Pallet town running a Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Charmander breeding mill ever since.

Can Mario grow a beard, or only a mustache? ario is a true Italian man. Every single day, he shaves his entire stocky, hirsute body from head to toe, and turns on his favorite record: Frank Sinatra’s “Point of No Return (Remastered Version)” and lets the smooth, charismatic tones of Ol’ Blue Eyes take him away. He steps into his bath of tomato sauce, sprinkled with oregano, garlic, and just a hint of alfredo sauce, to keep his skin milky-white and mushroom-smooth. After he has been cleansed in the red waters of Italy, he puts a couple of meatballs and some spaghetti onto a plate, then measures out 2 and a half cups of sauce, mixing thoroughly. After tucking in, he prays to the pope, and the hair on his head and upper lip magically reappear.

The blessing fades every 24 hours, so Mario must do this routine every day in order to recognize the person he sees in the mirror. Hope this helps!

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Can Dr. Mario prescribe me Xanax? hat’s a good question. Xanax is a prescription sedative used to treat anxiety and panic disorders, so based on your personal diagnosis, it is possible that a doctor could prescribe you this medication. Unfortunately, Dr. Mario lost his medical license after it was found that multiple children were practitioners at this clinic. After a lengthy court battle (for more information, see Arkansas v.

Mario Mario), the state revoked Dr. Mario’s license and barred him from practicing medicine in the state ever again. In a separate case, Dr. Mario won the right to continue using the “Dr.” title in all his game appearances as he “was only playing a character” and “nobody would take his medical advice seriously.”

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Why is Rosalina so tall? osalina is not tall, Mario is simply a short, weak man. Mario’s weak and miniscule height is his penance for being but a mere shell of a real man. Rosalina, with her spectacular mind and otherworldly body, should feel out of reach to the glorified sack of potatoes that is Mario. The player should feel pitiful as they are cast through the galaxy, dealing with deadly enemies and crushing gravitational force, all just to flop back to the hub world and deliver a star to a woman who would not give him a second glance. The level of groveling the player has to endure makes you appreciate the complexity of Rosalina. Rosalina is the apex of height-to-goddess ratio and will trample weak-willed people like you, the reader.

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is Bowser Gay or Bisexual? reat question! Originally, when we envisioned the character of Bowser, we imagined a love triangle between Mario, Peach, and Bowser with romantic tension existing between all three characters (as you can clearly see in Super Mario Odyssey).

However, when Super Mario 64 came out in 1996, we wanted to be more obvious about the hidden relationship between the red-suited plumber and King Koopa, so we inserted the subtle line “So long, Gay Bowser” where his interest in Mario was revealed (hidden under layers of friendly rivalry and “enemies to lovers” tropes). Over the years and generations of games, society’s views on sexual orientation has changed, and we finally felt like being more open with Bowser’s true orientation was acceptable. You can see this reflected in the line “Bye Bi,” which we included in the 2020 re-release of Super Mario 64. But, at the end of the day, Bowser’s sexuality is fluid, and his identification changed over time. For now, we can officially confirm that Bowser is bisexual.

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Why did Wario bite me? ario has long been known as Mario’s evil counterpart, but few fans know the lore surrounding Wario’s descent to the dark side. Following a particularly brutal tennis defeat, Wario became frustrated, turning to the shady side alleys of the Mushroom Kingdom for illegal performance-enhancing power-ups. It is there that he was bit and turned into a creature of the night — not into a werewolf or a vampire, but a robber baron.

Ever since, his business enterprises have been driven by his desire to suck the joy and disposable income from the working class.

Wario bit you because you are poor, and he deemed your reliance on social services far too extensive for you to deserve to live. But since you survived, I guess he wanted to recruit you as a higher-up for the WarioWare management team. Congratulations on your promotion! Either way, you should be thanking him for doing a service to society and striving to boost productivity at any cost, like any good CEO should.

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Have the Shy Guys practiced their public speaking skills? e’re so glad you asked! Some of the Shy Guys have been working to improve their incessant stage fright and general fear of being seen or heard. Some of the Shy Guys have been getting together after a long day of henchmening to attend a night school class on public speaking. While all the Shy Guys have tried really hard on their speeches, they speak so softly while presenting that the school has had to invest in microphones and amplifiers. But public speaking is not the only way Shy Guys have been working past their inherent meekness! For instance, a Pink Shy named Bob has started a theater troupe in the dungeon of Bowser’s Castle.

He’s having a lot of trouble getting actors for the troupe’s Spring performance of King Lear.

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Nonetheless, he’s hoping Bowser will play the titular King. So to answer your question, Shy Guys are always trying their best to be WellRounded Guys.

Should Guiseppe Mario be in jail?

Is he innocent or guilty? hile we’re sure that’s a question that’s on a lot of peoples’ minds, it’s Nintendo policy to not comment on ongoing legal matters — especially ones involving Giuseppe Mario. We’ll have comments shortly after the case is f — Hold on …

Guiseppe is staring at us real menacingly … he’s… he’s requesting that he take over the rest of this answer.

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Hey everyone. Giuseppe here.

It’s a little messed up to talk about a man when he’s not able to respond, but hey, it’s water under the bridge. I heard you were talkin’ about the allegations that were made against me, so I wanted to set the record straight. I’m pleadin’ NOT GUILTY! The alleged money laundering schemes that the state of New Jersey CLAIMS I’ve been involved in are bogus.

Anyone who’s sayin’ I am can “bacha” my “culo.” I work honest and hard to support my brothers so they can live it up with gold in the Mushroom Kingdom’s coffers! The work I do is more than enough to support myself — why the hell would I want anything more?

Anyways, anyone sayin’ I’m guilty better watch their backs … we don’t want them gettin’ into any accidents while they badmouth me, yanno?

Answers to all your gaming questions.

theMQ.org

Which pokemon is the least satanic? (from a parent)

S

uch a righteous question, but the blasphemous text of the Pokédex is no place to look for Godliness. This sinful cartoon is no good for our holy children as it is riddled with subliminal Devil worship. Take Snorlax for example: the living embodiment of sloth and indifference towards godly duties. There is no doubt that this demon will turn our children into mindless blobs of laziness. Then there is Lopunny, the adulterous whore, tempting men with her seductive hips. This harlot reeks of lust! Don’t even get me started on Dugtrio! They are in a polygamous, homosexual relationship, and we can only imagine what sins are being committed under the earth! They are the opposite of the Holy Trinity! Instead of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Pokémon has Gay, Gayer, and Gayest. And if you thought a bunch of eggs were safe from heresy, you would be wrong! Exeggcute is obviously pushing pro-abortion philosiphy!

It wants to literally execute the fertilized eggs of the womb — which no pokémon or woman should have no control over. Finally we have the Antichrist himself: Mr. Mime. I could go on and on about all of these foul creatures, but the common thread of sin is that they all deny Genesis and creationism and preach the foolish myth of evolution. There is only one pokémon that is a true representation of the sanctity of the Catholic church, and that is Mimikyu — a fraud.

Why does Mario wear a hat? riginally, we said that Mario is wearing a hat because drawing a fancy hairstyle in pixel sprites proved to be far too difficult. In reality, there are much deeper reasons for Mario’s hat-wearing. See, Mario is actually just a flesh husk, and the real main character in every game is the hat he is wearing. You may have noticed that many of the power-ups in Mario games are reflected in his hat. Each power-up has a different personality as each hat is its very own person with goals and ambitions. This idea is the most exemplified in

O

the latest installment of 3D Mario games: Super Mario Odyssey. We were finally ready to reveal the most important part of Mario lore with the introduction of Cappy, a sentient cap.

If you pay close attention to the introduction sequence of the game, you can clearly see how Mario is helpless without a hat host and how he has to acquire a pilot in order to proceed.

So, this is the real reason why Mario wears a hat: he is just a body, with no soul, goal, objective or thoughts.

What is Professor Oak’s academic certification?

O

ak started his career as an undergraduate studying critical gender studies at the University of Kanto Celadon before flunking out of college and embarking on a five-year offthe-books work-study in the Fuchsia City Safari Zone. Unfortunately, the warden ejected him from the premises when he discovered Oak to be a human rather than a very sick Kangaskhan. For the next decade of his life, Oak proceeded to become the very best at illegal pokémon/human cage fighting in the sewers of Goldenrod City. After watching a man’s arms get torn off by a Machamp in a semifinal tournament match, he abandoned his title as Nidoking of the Ring and returned to UKC, inspired to change his life and the world. With a new passion to eliminate violence and misunderstanding between pokemon and humans, he studied Pokémon Biology with a minor in Pokémon Sociology. He was three years into his degree when he met Aspen Magnolia, a fellow pokémon researcher studying tree-related pokémon. On a retreat to a Sudowoodo sanctuary, Oak revealed his past to Magnolia in a weekend they would never forget, an experience that would later be adapted into the feature film Love Bellossoms. Oak proceeded to write an honors thesis based on his experience in the Goldenrod sewer system before marrying Magnolia and pursuing postgraduate research in her hometown of Pallet Town. Oak and Magnolia divorced in the next year, and Oak has been stuck in Pallet town running a Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Charmander breeding mill ever since.

Can Mario grow a beard, or only a mustache? ario is a true Italian man. Every single day, he shaves his entire stocky, hirsute body from head to toe, and turns on his favorite record: Frank Sinatra’s “Point of No Return (Remastered Version)” and lets the smooth, charismatic tones of Ol’ Blue Eyes take him away. He steps into his bath of tomato sauce, sprinkled with oregano, garlic, and just a hint of alfredo sauce, to keep his skin milky-white and mushroom-smooth. After he has been cleansed in the red waters of Italy, he puts a couple of meatballs and some spaghetti onto a plate, then measures out 2 and a half cups of sauce, mixing thoroughly. After tucking in, he prays to the pope, and the hair on his head and upper lip magically reappear.

The blessing fades every 24 hours, so Mario must do this routine every day in order to recognize the person he sees in the mirror. Hope this helps!

M

Can Dr. Mario prescribe me Xanax? hat’s a good question. Xanax is a prescription sedative used to treat anxiety and panic disorders, so based on your personal diagnosis, it is possible that a doctor could prescribe you this medication. Unfortunately, Dr. Mario lost his medical license after it was found that multiple children were practitioners at this clinic. After a lengthy court battle (for more information, see Arkansas v.

Mario Mario), the state revoked Dr. Mario’s license and barred him from practicing medicine in the state ever again. In a separate case, Dr. Mario won the right to continue using the “Dr.” title in all his game appearances as he “was only playing a character” and “nobody would take his medical advice seriously.”

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Why is Rosalina so tall? osalina is not tall, Mario is simply a short, weak man. Mario’s weak and miniscule height is his penance for being but a mere shell of a real man. Rosalina, with her spectacular mind and otherworldly body, should feel out of reach to the glorified sack of potatoes that is Mario. The player should feel pitiful as they are cast through the galaxy, dealing with deadly enemies and crushing gravitational force, all just to flop back to the hub world and deliver a star to a woman who would not give him a second glance. The level of groveling the player has to endure makes you appreciate the complexity of Rosalina. Rosalina is the apex of height-to-goddess ratio and will trample weak-willed people like you, the reader.

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is Bowser Gay or Bisexual? reat question! Originally, when we envisioned the character of Bowser, we imagined a love triangle between Mario, Peach, and Bowser with romantic tension existing between all three characters (as you can clearly see in Super Mario Odyssey).

However, when Super Mario 64 came out in 1996, we wanted to be more obvious about the hidden relationship between the red-suited plumber and King Koopa, so we inserted the subtle line “So long, Gay Bowser” where his interest in Mario was revealed (hidden under layers of friendly rivalry and “enemies to lovers” tropes). Over the years and generations of games, society’s views on sexual orientation has changed, and we finally felt like being more open with Bowser’s true orientation was acceptable. You can see this reflected in the line “Bye Bi,” which we included in the 2020 re-release of Super Mario 64. But, at the end of the day, Bowser’s sexuality is fluid, and his identification changed over time. For now, we can officially confirm that Bowser is bisexual.

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Why did Wario bite me? ario has long been known as Mario’s evil counterpart, but few fans know the lore surrounding Wario’s descent to the dark side. Following a particularly brutal tennis defeat, Wario became frustrated, turning to the shady side alleys of the Mushroom Kingdom for illegal performance-enhancing power-ups. It is there that he was bit and turned into a creature of the night — not into a werewolf or a vampire, but a robber baron.

Ever since, his business enterprises have been driven by his desire to suck the joy and disposable income from the working class.

Wario bit you because you are poor, and he deemed your reliance on social services far too extensive for you to deserve to live. But since you survived, I guess he wanted to recruit you as a higher-up for the WarioWare management team. Congratulations on your promotion! Either way, you should be thanking him for doing a service to society and striving to boost productivity at any cost, like any good CEO should.

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Have the Shy Guys practiced their public speaking skills? e’re so glad you asked! Some of the Shy Guys have been working to improve their incessant stage fright and general fear of being seen or heard. Some of the Shy Guys have been getting together after a long day of henchmening to attend a night school class on public speaking. While all the Shy Guys have tried really hard on their speeches, they speak so softly while presenting that the school has had to invest in microphones and amplifiers. But public speaking is not the only way Shy Guys have been working past their inherent meekness! For instance, a Pink Shy named Bob has started a theater troupe in the dungeon of Bowser’s Castle.

He’s having a lot of trouble getting actors for the troupe’s Spring performance of King Lear.

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Nonetheless, he’s hoping Bowser will play the titular King. So to answer your question, Shy Guys are always trying their best to be WellRounded Guys.

Should Guiseppe Mario be in jail?

Is he innocent or guilty? hile we’re sure that’s a question that’s on a lot of peoples’ minds, it’s Nintendo policy to not comment on ongoing legal matters — especially ones involving Giuseppe Mario. We’ll have comments shortly after the case is f — Hold on …

Guiseppe is staring at us real menacingly … he’s… he’s requesting that he take over the rest of this answer.

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Hey everyone. Giuseppe here.

It’s a little messed up to talk about a man when he’s not able to respond, but hey, it’s water under the bridge. I heard you were talkin’ about the allegations that were made against me, so I wanted to set the record straight. I’m pleadin’ NOT GUILTY! The alleged money laundering schemes that the state of New Jersey CLAIMS I’ve been involved in are bogus.

Anyone who’s sayin’ I am can “bacha” my “culo.” I work honest and hard to support my brothers so they can live it up with gold in the Mushroom Kingdom’s coffers! The work I do is more than enough to support myself — why the hell would I want anything more?

Anyways, anyone sayin’ I’m guilty better watch their backs … we don’t want them gettin’ into any accidents while they badmouth me, yanno?

Luigi ’s Travel Blog “Lovely to see you having fun. Please come home soon due to a family emergency. LOL!” -Grandma Mario

LasVegas

“I legally can’t a-say what happened in Vegas, but a little bird told me it involved a drug fueled bender and ended with one quickly annulled marriage. I’m still a-looking for love!”

Italy

“Surprisingly erotic.”

-Donkey Kong

“Mamma Mia! I made it to-a the homeland. I even got to see the pope! It’s a-weird, I think I’m Italian, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never a-been here before.”

2021’s most anticipated games the official zelda timeline

“I’m so glad he’s finally gone.” -Daisy

Chernobyl “The crushing reality that came with realizing the human cost of this grave event has a-forever changed the way I view the world. What scars are we bound to leave-a on this Earth that will never heal?”

“Before reading this, I was a shell of a man - an empty husk. Now I feel complete. I have purpose. At least I’m not this guy!” -Shy Guy

don’t scratch this magazine. it smells like mario’s moustache.

“cooking mama owes me sex”

“Yoshi.” -Yoshi

“It’s a-fucking me” -Giuseppe Mario

player’s pulse nintendo’s new pro controller