MQ
Believe it or not, these are the best years of your life
September 26, 2002
University of California San Diego
NOT IN THIS ISSUE
Amoeba Music spawns new stores through mitosis
Eric Estrada recieves unwarranted postal honor
Volume IX Issue I
Bush Declares Iraq 51st State
Vice President Dick Cheney declares civil war
By Colin Parent Editor in Chief Washington, USA – Responding to recent setbacks within the UN on the Administration’s stated goal of regime change in Iraq, the Bush administration announced Wednesday the immediate annexation of Iraq as a new state of the Union. Citing stalled progress on a new resolution mapping out the return of UN weapons inspections to Iraq, and a growing international reticence against US military action, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated that the Bush administration was “proud to welcome Iraq as the 51st state,” during the daily press briefing to the White House press corps. A Creative Solution Fleischer explained at the briefing that the absorption of Iraq into the United States would effectively end international criticism about US meddling in the affairs of another sovereign nation, by eliminating its sovereignty. “This is just the kind of innovative problem solving the American people have come to expect from the Bush administration,” said Fleischer, who briefly paused to caress an 8x10 glossy of the president folded in his breast pocket. Fleischer then continued his discussion of Bush’s “strong international influence,” which the president was exerting on the
photo by Colin Parent
Saddam Hussein, formerly the despotic ruler of Iraq, is now running for governor on a platform of economic reform and gassing any political opposition.
World Educational Conference in Sydney, Australia, while vacationing in his Crawford, Texas ranch. Peace On the Middle East After months of reported disagreement within the Bush Ad-
by Carly Young Staff Writer
enters the world of college,” said a teary eyed Mrs. McGowen. “We feel it is essential that she is provided with a sturdy car which can withstand a powerful impact.” “Lisa has always been conscientious and studious,” added Mr. McGowen. “She is respectful and considerate both on the road and in every other aspect of her life. When her tiny VW Bug was dented beyond recognition after she hit a
Student on Academic Probation considers joining Navy FALSIFIED QUOTE
"Civil liberties, schmivil liberties."
themq.com
attacking Iraq,” said US Secretary of State Colin Powell, an alleged “dove” within the administration. “But now that every Iraqi is a US IRAQ CONTINUED ON PG 2
Bad Driver’s Parents Purchase Her Even Larger Car With the start of the school year just around the corner, the parents of incoming freshman Lisa McGowen have decided to buy their daughter a car that is even bigger than the previous eight she has owned. “We just want our little girl to have everything she needs as she
-Attorney General John Ashcroft
ministration about the best course of action to take with Iraq, press statements and internal sources point to near unanimity for this latest policy shift. “I’ve been a little concerned about the prospect of
photo by James Meeker
"I never could parallel park!" giggles Lisa McGowen, as she safely rolls over a Honda Civic containing a family of four.
mother deer and two baby fawns on the freeway, my wife and I knew that we would just have to buy her a bigger, stronger car to protect her from such roadside hazards.” “After Lisa’s Bug was replaced with a Honda Accord,” says childhood friend Michelle Larson, “another tragedy occurred. Lisa and I were cruising along when this dumb group of kindergartners on a field trip walked across the road in the crosswalk that was directly in front of us.” “Poor Lisa was devastated,” sobbed Mrs. McGowen while being consoled by her husband. “The impact of the vehicle against so many children completely totaled her car.” “I mean, they just came out of nowhere,” Michelle continued. “One minute, the kids were on the sidewalk and the next minute they were in the crosswalk, right in front of Lisa’s car. Lisa was horrified by the damage done to her car. I’m so glad that her parents bought her a nice big Nissan Frontier to make up for the devastating loss of her midsized Honda Accord.” When Mrs. McGowen’s frail, elderly mother was mowed down by Lisa, Mrs. McGowen was furious. “I’ve always clashed with my mother,” she fumed, “but this was just the last straw. When Lisa ran her over, her stupid gold-topped cane punched a hole in the gas
tank, causing my daughter’s new truck to explode. I thank God that Lisa escaped unharmed.” The tales of the VW Bug, the Honda Accord, and the Nissan Frontier are but a chapter in the long book of Lisa’s history of vehicle destruction. Details of other mishaps remain hazy, but sources confirm that they involved the eradication of puppies, chubby babies, and vegetarians. “These damn things keep getting in the way of my daughter and her vehicle,” said Mr. McGowen. “With each car that is destroyed, a piece of Lisa is destroyed as well. My only solution is to keep on buying her more powerful cars in the hopes that one of them will stand up in the face of all the obstacles that hit her.” “We are looking into buying her a decommissioned Abrams tank,” Mrs. McGowen confided to reporters. “As long as the details are finalized with the government by the time school starts, everything should be A-OK.” Although Lisa was hiding from the DMV and unavailable for comment, sources interviewed another childhood friend, Willa Jones. “Lisa needs traffic school, not a bigger car,” Willa said. “Honestly, what kind of person runs over her own priest? I pray for the souls of the freshmen who will be sharing the road with her in the fall.”