The MQ Volume 9 Issue 2

MQ October 30, 2002

University of California San Diego

THIS ISSUE (?)

Volume IX Issue II

STUDENTS ORGS. ARE A GREAT WAY TO MEET CHICKS

Draft-Age Men Rally Behind War in Iraq Crowd shouts: "Mr. Bush, send us to die!"

By Marianne Madden Staff Writer

21-Year-Old Warren RA Gets Fired for Drinking Alone in Room

Dave Matthews the Devil? See Page 11.

UCSD Flasher Caught With His Pants Down Guardian Article Jumps

By Adam Armstead Business Manager Onlookers were shocked Monday when a Guardian article hurled itself from the top- floor ledge of Pacific Hall.

The article in question, an editorial by Deborah Morgan titled, “Why I Want to be a Dog,” refused to be talked down from the ledge by a trained psychologist.

The article told the psychologist it felt like its only purpose was to be ridiculed, not to provide the hard-hitting journalistic integrity we’ve all come to exsee JUMPS, page 2

In an unprecedented show of support for Bush and regime change in Iraq, 800 draft-age UCSD men staged a rally Thursday attired in patriotic regalia, waving American flags and chanting slogans including, “American blood for Iraqi oil,” “Pre-emptive is patriotic,” and, most vehemently, “Send us to die.”

The cheering students gathered in front of Geisel Library at noon then headed towards Gilman Drive on Library Walk. Along the way they gathered other UCSD students in support of their cause, including Carrie Green, longtime girlfriend of one of the rally’s organizers, Carl Linstein. “Carl’s been talking about this rally for weeks,” Carrie gushed. “I can’t wait for him to go into the Army, hear from him in a terse email two times a month, and finally receive notice of his death. I will be so proud of him – I’m so proud of him already!” she continued, gazing lovingly at Carl’s flexing biceps as he held the American flag high over the rally participants following behind him in the march.

Once at the intersection of Library Walk and Gilman, the rally participants organized themselves on both sides of the road. The noise-level reached crescendos as passing motorists honked in support for the rally and shouted encouraging words like, “Make me proud, you pawns of the US government!”, “Die quickly so a better soldier can have your gun!” and, “Terrorize those dirty Iraqis!”

Roommates Brian Dorser and Kevin Robinson stood on the median and passed flyers to supportive

photo by Colin Parent

Passionate ralliers line Library Walk and demand the swift extinguishing of their lives on the sands of Iraq.

motorists. “GOD IS WILLING!”, the flyers began, then continued with, “Support war in Iraq so we can go to die for YOU, soccer moms and muscle truck dads!!!!!

It is the American Way and it is God’s Will!”

The rally began winding down at three o’clock but some dogged participants remained along the road until four, singing round after round of “God Bless America” and praying for a long, brutal war that would give the maximum number of Americans the honor of dying for their country. Katherine Arlich had something else to pray for also.

“I pray God will help America destroy every living thing within the borders of Iraq so, untrammeled, America can move in and finally have control of the oil we want and need so much. Those Middle Easterners are all terrorists, and it’s a shame Americans have to live in fear of their evil acts. I also pray we’ll show the whole world that America’s boss – but not before many virile young American men die for our country. Like, ten thousand. No, more. A hundred thousand. Hell, maybe a few million.”

A man was arrested after attempting to disrupt the rally by

New Fall Fashions: Incredibly Stupid

By Tim Koster Staff Writer As the fashion industry gears up for an exciting fall array of new and cutting edge clothing, one thing is apparent to both consumers and models alike: the fall fashions are really incredibly stupid.

“I’m so amazed that the fashions this fall are so fucking dumb,” stated model Anne Rechsíc from behind the mauve veil of goat-blood-spattered cheesecloth that hung from a wire mesh frame atop her shoulders.

At the same press conference, Rechsíc proclaimed, “Last year Giorgio Armani’s tinfoil line was so daring and chic, but these new fashions are just weak-sauce!”

Rechsíc went on to complain about the new fashions which were less form-fitting than in previous years, and instead stress a bulky and flared-out look. “Honestly, what have I been vomiting up my meals for if those bastards aren’t even going to accentuate my svelte figure for the

FALSIFIED QUOTE "What do you all think about not ruining the world?"

-Al Gore, U.S. President photo by Tim Koster

themq.com

flashing a sign with the pro-terrorist slogan, “Wage Peace.” Other shows of opposition to the rally were rare and quickly silenced.

“It was amazing how many people showed up to support us,” exclaimed a tired but delighted rally organizer Tom Browning the evening of the rally. “I thought I’d have to kick my friends’ asses to get them to come out here, but in reality I only had to throw some accusations of unpatriotism around and they showed up in droves.

Man, I was afraid I would run out of 'Death In The Name of Bush' buttons.”

Muir student Diego Chang attempts to use a ratty dollar while wearing an outfit from the Christian Dior "Kitchen Tribal" line.

see FASHION, page 2

The MQ

Page 2

A Student Perspective

by Robin Averbeck Please, Sororities, Put Up More Recruitment Flyers in Case I Miss One.

Please, sororities, put up more recruitment flyers just in case I miss one. I know you’re trying hard to get the word out, but I’m afraid I will not be exposed to the vital dates, times, and other information I need to join your grand and expanding empire.

The other day, I was walking along Price Center and saw that you lined every inch of the curb of the fountains with your inspirational rally cries. I really appreciated that effort, but it occurred to me that had I not decided to walk on the given path, if I had instead turned off Library Walk onto the grass across in that way, I might have missed this crucial data that I, and every single other person on campus, need to know.

Next time, you should try putting them on trees and benches just in case in the future I decide to take the off roads.

I really have to commend you, though. I was very encouraged to pay any amount of fees necessary to join when I saw that you made a trail of flyers from the beginning of the pathway to my dorm, right up to the suite, all taped down there so I couldn’t possibly miss it. However, I must point out one little thing; you might have wanted to extend this little army of flyers right into the walls of my room.

That way they would be there perfectly intact should I accidentally rip off the days and times your sorority meets if thoughtlessly I scuffled my shoes along the ground. But still, kudos.

I have also seen you all in action, bravely and triumphantly walking the paths of UCSD as you plaster your flyers on the lonely bare bricks of concrete that just beg for a colorful and pleading sorority flyer. Just today you were over at the ATMs while I waited in line, putting an oversized poster over the meek, pathetic little smaller ones. It was a great poster, but maybe you should have covered the entire expanse of the ATM completely with the posters, just in case I might be persuaded to join the Male Chinese Student Association of UCSD instead of your sorority.

Now here’s a little suggestion: I’m sure you’ve already posted plenty of flyers inside bathroom stalls, however, have you con-

sidered actually putting them inside the toilets, so that as I glance back at the huge one I just laid down, I can also see the feces smeared meeting place tunnel down the tube? I would be sure never to forget, then, what a great advertising gimmick you pulled off.

You may be wondering why all this is so important, why I insist on the desperate need for you to put up the appropriately huge number of flyers. It is simple; just like any other student on campus, I wouldn’t just grab one of the many flyers once I saw one and keep it with us to ponder over. No, no, you must bombard us, attack us, cover us with flyers. You must wrap them around arrows and shoot them into our asses, so that we shall always have one nearby. This way, none of us could ever, ever possibly miss or not come by one of these excellent, artistic flyers, and you will have the greatest turnout in UCSD history. So please, please sororities, put up more recruitment flyers.

JUMPS: Continued from Pg. 1 pect from the Guardian. When the psychologist was unable to give the article a sufficient reason for not jumping, “Why I Want to be a Dog” and its three continuances from other pages

see JUMPS, page 8

October 30, 2002 FASHION: Continued from Pg. 1 and fashionably sport a zebra vest and baggy Himalayan sherpa pantaloons viewers to jack off to? It’s fucking around the office in a commanding crazy!” and sensible manner, but now I don’t Models like Rechsíc are not the know what the hell I’m gonna do.” only ones concerned with the apparConfused fashion magnates are ent stupidity of the new “hot” fall responding to the reactions of disstyles. Many average consumers gust with adamant assertions that who look to the fashion industry for their recently modeled lines of clothguidance on how to keep up with the ing are “avant-garde” and “all the trends and styles each season are rage.” An anonymous representative finding themselves lost and desper- from Versace blamed the consumers ate for new fashion innovations akin for not being open enough to new to Prada’s visionary barbed wire modernizations in the fast-paced and lingerie Spring line. “I really don’t complex world of international high know what I’m going to do this fall,” fashion. “Those peasants wouldn’t commented Tricia Gibbins of Irvine, know a great new idea if it ran up California. “Last spring I at least had and bit them on their Levi Straussan inkling of how to dress to keep up clad asses! It’s because of intensive with the sizzling European fashions, research and investment of time that but now I have no goddamn clue we brought the world fish-net hoop which Saran wrap skirt to wear with skirts and lawn-clipping body paste.” my buffalo hide vest when I pick the Continued the flustered Versace kids up from school. How can Calvin representative, “Fashion isn’t just Klein and Versace expect us to wear something that happens. It’s not like this new crap, or even trust in any of we just throw together the first bunch their once-valuable fashion advice?” of random crap that happens to fall in Women aren’t the only victims of our laps. Each piece of clothing is the the tragic fall fashions. Young men result of countless hours of educated are also finding themselves lost in a and skilled planning.” sea of hideous clothing with nobody Many irate consumers have threatto turn to for much-needed advice on ened to resort to lower cost alternative how to dress fashionably, yet subtly. stores such as Macy’s and The Gap Mark Fleck, a senior accountant at to fulfill their fashion needs until the T Rowe Price Inc., is one of thou- fall crisis ends. “Ha! Let them shop sands of men who rely on the wise in those low-class rag depositories,” counsel of such fashion designers as cackled Donatella Versace, ViceKenneth Cole and Christian Lacroix Chairman of the influential Versace each season to get the scoop on the Group. “They will come crawling slick new looks for men. “Dammit back come springtime! What do they those new latex body suits are fucking think clothes are, mere scraps of fabric atrocious, the necklines are all wrong to cover our naked bodies?” for a poly-rubber blend, how can they expect us to wear that shit?” Fleck’s concerns about the fashion industry’s JUMPS: Continued from Pg. 8 recent transformation from a highly David Reed. Reed was unable to respected and valued institution to that fully express the horror he felt of a phony establishment with no real stating only, “Ink...everywhere.” merit or worth echo those of many Reed was also unable to reveal other bewildered and worried citizens. why he was not in school or“I used to be able to rely on Tommy Hilfiger to show me how to properly see JUMPS, page 13

MQ

Editors

Editor in Chief...........................Colin Parent Managing Editor...............Jasmine de Lung Associate Managing Editor...........Liz Erwin Content Editor.......................James Meeker Asst. Content Editor..........PLEASE INQUIRE Senior Assistant Bitch...........David Hughes Dartmouth Whoooor......Laura Schniedwind Graphics Slut..............................Andy Collins Webmaster..............................Michael Truex Social Director............................Carol Freire Don't Mind The Guy in China....Reid Barrett MQ Mom...............................Laura Paajanen Business Manager...............Adam Armstead Sr. Staff Member..............Nick Lieberknecht Muir Dean...............................Patty Mahaffey MQ Advisor...................................Jill Corrales Sold Soul to Res Life.............Justin Williams

This is a picture of last year's staff. Our new staff is even hotter.

I know, it's hard to believe.

“The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication..”

All content is copyright © 2002 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor of the MQ. That’s Colin now. Intended to be read solely for entertainment purposes.

Holy Christ our staff rules! Every year the MQ gets a new crop of eager young first-years to stop in, check out the paper, and proptly get teased by returning staff members for being "dumb and 'not-funny.'" But this year's turning out a bit different. All the young able freshmen, transfers, and international students are a funny, funny lot. And hells bells are they fucking hot. Hats off to the A-Team, and thanks to all y'all who stayed so late: Dori, Lisa, Kathryne, Marianne, Joe, John, Anne, and all the rest I"m sure I forgot.

MQ Staff Members Meg O’Neill Adam Armstead Adina Ackerman Dale E. Burner Jr. Alex Doherty Carly Young Akemi Hong Doug Hanes Gabe Kreb Daniel Baron Carol Freire Ted McCombs David Lin D-House Jon Adam Armstead Robin Averbeck

Sara Baker Joey Huang Luke Barrington Lars Ingelman Danny Barron Robbie Johnston Lisa King Diana Blazick Daniel Brown Tim Koster Yosun Chang Gabe Kreb Victor Chiu Janice Lee Bill Coleman David Lin Kevin Damp George Lin Darren Dieguez Will Linton Christy Factor Megan Ma Courtney Flynn Marianne Madden Eric Galassi Greg Mallis Jon Gower Salik Mansoor Mike Mullan Joe Hicken Tiffany Hoag Dori Myer

Mike Nguyen Kathryn Panian Dahlia Peterson Bobby Radigan Kurt Rifbjerg Jeff Robertson Anne Rutledge Lindsay Sandrew Jeff Schulte Brian Seibert Guang Shi Joe Simonis Ben Sweitzer Martin Vakil Jacob Ward Quincy Troupe

MQ Booster Club Readers Like You

The MQ

October 30, 2002

Page 3

Faculty Gets Bored, Shortens Passing Period

By Joe Hicken Staff Writer A member of the Academic Senate revealed Tuesday that the recently reduced passing periods between classes resulted primarily from boredom among UCSD staff.

“Our students should not only be challenged inside the classroom but also outside, including during passing periods. We implemented this to provide the faculty with the spectacles of students scurrying to class like helpless lemmings,” commented Committee on Educational Policy Chair Steven Cox. “Plus, we’ve got nothing better to do.”

Students residing in Warren College, who need to get from the Warren campus to virtually any other place at UCSD have the added difficulty of not only sprinting to class but sucking up taunts from staff members along their hurried route.

Committee on Campus/ Community Environment Chair Robert Bitmead explained, “Studies have shown that regular attendance to class positively correlates with high GPAs. What better way

to mess with students here on campus than to discourage timeliness and lower their overall GPA and self esteem?”

Students have voiced many concerns regarding the shortened period. They resolved to state these concerns to the Associated Students (AS) forum, however, their concerns fell on deaf ears as they all accidentally attended the American Sign Language conference.

Most students expressed complaints such as “My pacemaker isn’t made for this,” “How can I possibly get to class on time in my wheelchair,” “I don’t have time to use the restroom between multiple classes. Depends are my only alternative,” and “There just isn’t time to get where I need to go,” in order to further the point that the new reduction of passing time is infeasible for student needs. These objections were rejected by the administration as unreasonable.

Other reasonable students voiced other concerns: “There’s not enough time to gossip,” or “It really detracts from the already unsocial atmosphere of the school,” which the administration took under serious consideration.

photo by Joe Hicken

A sign along Library Walk informs students of the policy regarding campus transportation.

At the most recent AS assembly, AS President Jenn Brown proposed that the administration install moving walkways on library walk and other such stretches of paved surfaces of UCSD to reduce congestion and general laziness.

Committee on Planning and

Ché Café Not Under Attack

by UCSD Administration

By Darren Dieguez Staff Writer In a statement issued today by University Centers Director, Gary Ratcliff, the UCSD administration declared that, for the first time in the twenty-two years since the radical grassroots organization was founded, they are not currently pursuing a shutdown of the Ché Café. “Since the Ché Collective stopped using UCSD web space for publicizing terrorist groups, we at the administrative office are shocked to find that we have no beef with the Che Cafe. I guess we’re glad, but, well, it was fucking fun to fight them all the time.”

World leaders expressed relief and gratitude at the favorable turn of events, especially given the enormous impact that the collegiate activism of UCSD has on global politics. “I can’t say enough how much impact 21,568 votes has on issues like national security. I mean, you may think that you’re nothing but

Gap-wearing, Starbucks-drinking, left-wing idealist/corporate tools with no inkling of the hypocrisy that defines your very existence, but I promise you that your voice counts just as much as mine,” offered Democratic congresswoman Susan Davis at a recent on-campus Democratic political rally.

Members of the “Organic Vegan Farming Womyn Against Defamation,” an affiliated organization of the Ché Collective, expressed shock at the recent turn of events. “My non-committed primary love-sharer, Moonglow, and I have always used the OVFWAD as a forum to voice our angst at the administration’s attacks on the Ché Café, but now we just don’t have anything to protest.”

“It’s hurting my libido,” lamented Phoenix Butterfly, the founder of OVFWAD. “We had such great ‘Ché Café hippie at the mercy of an administrative pig’ role-playing going on before this happened.”

Moonglow also took the opportunity to add that, in the absence of a protest movement to occupy

her time, she will now partake of such activities as “composing ridiculously obscure and pretentious indie chick rock” and “not ever shaving [her] legs, ever.”

This will complete her already busy schedule of “writing letters to and in support of the indigenous people of Southern Chiapas” and “professional bra burning.”

Director of Student Policies and Judicial Affairs for UCSD, Nicholas S. Aguilar, expressed surprise at the cessation of conflict between the school administration and the Ché Café. “I’ve been here at UCSD for more than ten years, since those hippies were protesting the building of the Price Center, and I’m just left to wonder now what suddenly pacified them.”

Mr. Aguilar also expressed plans to busy himself with other worthwhile pursuits, such as, “raising tuition to exactly infinity” and starting 7th college, “the Arts and Living-On-Campus-BecauseYou-Will-Never-Get-Parking-InA-Million-Years-So-Don’t-EvenThink-About-It College.”

TOP TEN

photo by Ted McCombs

Dynes announces UCSD Administration's plans not to close Ché Café this week.

Flasher Comebacks

10. "Is it cold in here, or is it just you?"

9. Flash him back 8. "Sorry, I already have a date for tonight."

7. One word: Tazer 6. "Chancellor Dynes, don’t you have something better to do?"

5. "Hold on, let me get my magnifying glass."

4. "Wait, you’re not black…"

3. "What is that?"

2. Laugh hysterically 1. Blow him. Hard.

Budget chair Michael Parrish responded, “Yes, of course we will get to that installation right after the University installs the escalator that goes down to Black's Beach.”

Other students, for the purpose of making an ostensibly unbiased

news article, supported the reduction in passing period time to allocate time for one more class each day.

Senior Richard Cox commented, “It’s not how long your passing period is, but rather how you use it.”

Ché Café Through Time Did you know that the Ché Café once served meat, and that they used to grow all of their food and animals in a garden behind their hovel?

The Ché’s got a lot of history, so listen up, you fascist pig-dog.

1980: Ché Café founded as cooperative business enterprise by Leonard Gilroy and Mario Garaphalo.

1981: Gilroy and Garapholo graduate with management science degrees and later build Nike factory within Chinese prison camp.

1982: New, slightly more liberal management at Ché Café discontinues its “Communism Sucks! 24Hour Meat Buffet.”

1983: UCSD administrator Tommy Tucker writes letter pleading with Ché Café to reinstate meat buffet.

1984: Tucker officially censors Ché Café for refusing to reconsider decision to end meat buffet.

1985: After two years of letter-writing and sobbing phone calls, Tucker organizes staff union to picket Ché Café.

1990: Increasingly progressive management of Ché Café eliminates longstanding to “only employ children smuggled in from East Asia.”

1994: Ché Café namesake Chévy Chase requests collective remove the likeness of his face from building’s wall.

1996: Tucker ends 12-year sit-in at Ché Café and initiates policy to shut down the collective.

1999: Ché Café collective members adopt more moderate politics and stop sending holiday care packages to prominent Republican congressmen.

2001: Employees of the Ché Café redefine organization’s politics; go ape-shit lefty.

2001: UCSD Administration tries to shut down Ché Café by forcing them to adopt economically infeasible vegan menu.

2002: Ché Café hosts two links on their web page, providing the crucial communications equipment necessary to maintain operations of the world’s terrorist groups.

The MQ

Page 4

October 30, 2002

UCSD Prostitutes Frustrated by Nerdiness, Blandness of Student Body

By Carly Young Staff Writer Sunny Rays and Candy Showers, two prostitutes who hunt for customers at the UCSD campus, said Monday that they are dismayed at the extreme nerdiness displayed by the student body.

Rays told sources that she is ready to throw in the towel and stop all attempts at seducing the lackluster young adults who, “wouldn’t know a good lay if it jumped up and fucked them in the pants.”

“I’m getting so sick and tired of this,” Rays lamented as she watched the dreary parade of students walking past Price Center.

“The students are like zombies.

No one wants any sex. Look how they walk, with their heads down and eyes on the ground. How am I supposed to land them in the sack if they won’t even acknowledge me?”

Showers also had complaints about the lack of business on the campus. “Just the other day,” said Showers, “I crashed a lecture in my best attire. I had it all: high heels, a miniskirt, and a see-through bra. No one even looked my way.

I don’t understand why everyone is so frigid.”

“I wonder why no one looked at Shower’s hot body when she crashed the class,” said Rays.

“Maybe it was because it was an

engineering lecture. Everybody knows how the engineering majors are too good at math to be human and too busy with numbers to sniff poozle.”

Rays added, “Showers and I could really rock the students' world... if only they’d stop studying themselves into exhaustion long enough to drop their pants and whip it out.”

Although the two prostitutes have tried to entice the students by wearing a wide variety of outfits which range from the “Highschool babysitter drunk for the first time out of her employers’ liquor cabinet” to “Chaste nun gone lusty after too many years of celibacy (Oh Jesus… like that…like that… oh my holy GOD!)” they claim that nothing seems to work.

“The students don’t care what we wear because they don’t care what they wear themselves,” Rays explained. “All they ever wear are those damn UCSD sweatshirts.

God, they make it impossible for a girl to make a living.”

“One time,” Showers explained, “I gave a lap dance to a guy wearing a windbreaker and funny glasses in Geisel. I took off my shirt and pressed myself up against him. He didn’t even look at my breasts once; it was like I was invisible. Then I took off the rest of my clothes and serviced him underneath the table. He didn’t

photo by Le Truex

Sunny Rays is not above trolling Library Lounge for prospective customers.

even notice.”

“I think he was an engineering major,” Rays noted.

When asked if the prostitutes were making any plans to find a different location to prowl, they were undecided.

“It’s not too bad here,” said Rays. “Showers and I always have each other if we get really horny.

And we have so much fun laughing at all the nerdy students who don’t even notice when we grab their crotches as they walk to class.”

Added Showers, “We enjoy making fun of the students all the time. Ugly people are so funny.

They really are.”

The MQ

October 30, 2002

Page 5

Preuss School Kids Fuck up School Play

Preuss School second grader’s rendition of “The Four Food Groups” decried as stale and unoriginal

By Daniel Baron Staff Writer Audience members attending the Preuss School’s play “The Four Food Groups and How to Eat Healthy” performed by Mrs. Kendall’s second grade class last week were soundly disappointed with a “sloppy, tedious, and downright shitty performance” by the entire 7- to 8-year-old cast and crew.

Despite initially optimistic words from Mrs. Kendall who billed the show as “a fun chance for parents to see what the students have been working on at school,” San Diego Union Tribune theatre critic Rodger Douglas gave the play zero out of ten stars in his weekly review column and stated, “It was like these hacks had no idea how to be believable actors at all!

What I witnessed was probably the worst hour of theatre in my life.”

Indeed, at many points of the play a multitude of mistakes were

made by the food-mimicking second graders, including when five minutes in, the carton of milk, played by Billy Crawford, forgot that it was his turn to speak, resulting in a very long and awkward pause until Mrs. Kendall had to yell his lines to him from offstage. The members of the audience, mainly parents attending in order to feign interest in their children’s activities, were quick to pick up and point out the numerous defects in the performance. “This play sucks!” complained James Brody, father of 8-year-old Jenny Brody, upon entering the intermission press conference, “And these kids wouldn’t know character development from their mothers’ poorly disguised alcoholism!”

As intermission was followed by more examples of what many described as “bad acting and lame songs” involving the merits of eating vegetables, the remaining parents in the audi-

torium started to become openly hostile. The agitation reached its peak when some of the more bored fathers began making loud criticisms on what ranged from the uninteresting plot to young Bethany Anderson’s warning that a diet too rich in red meat might be bad for someone. “Screw you, kid!

I’ll eat as much steak as I damn well please!” shouted Bethany’s father Michael Anderson.

By the time the play, described by the attendees as “long, and painfully dull” ended, many of the unsatisfied parents refused to even speak with their children, much less actually congratulate them or give them rides home, and instead moved quickly towards the exit while several deliberately tipped over Mrs. Kendall’s refreshment table near the door.

Concluded parent Robert Hernandez, as he and his wife hurried towards their car, “We came here expecting a good, enjoyable piece of theater featuring our son, but

A Student Perspective

by Chick Rhubarb

I Thought This Human Sexuality Class Was Gonna Be About Fucking

So, like, I know that every time I sign up for a class that sounds interesting here at UCSD, I end up bitching about it, but don’t even front. Yeah, that class about Hip Hop was a waste of time, and I’m not even going to get started on the squandered potential of Math 20A. But I was convinced that Psych 172 would be different, man. I thought this Human Sexuality class would be about fucking.

I was totally pumped to show up for the first day of class, but right off the bat I began to understand what a shitty situation I’d gotten myself into. The professor is some chick named Mirkin, and right from the beginning she started talking about “grounding our discussion in a rigorous theoretical framework” and “raising the level of discourse on the topic

of sexuality,” so of course I tuned the bitch out.

The prospects for the class only got worse when Mirkin handed out the syllabus. Dude, we’re going to spend at least two weeks later in the quarter talking about reproduction. Do you understand what that means? That means babies. We are totally going to spend two weeks talking about babies. There’s no way this class can legitimately be about fucking if we spend any time at all thinking about childbirth. It really ruins the mood, y’know?

And, like, the idea of talking about babies has really been fucking with my head whenever I’m in class, man. The second day of class, I had a vision, man. I saw my future kid, man! He was just sitting in the lap of that hot Kappa on my left, cute as hell, pink, and fleshy, and made from my spooge. Mine.

And I got to thinking about, like, how, we’re all basically made from spooge, man... and dude, lemme tell you, I am never smoking my roommate’s shit again.

But, like, anyway, if I was teaching this class, it’d be totally different. Like, we’d definitely be discussing the great public good of boobs on a more regular basis.

I figured by now we’d have had at least one lecture dedicated to the erotic potential of the vast, universal milky goodness that is

the boob, but I guess Professor Mirkin thought it’d be cooler to talk about the mammary gland and breastfeeding and the aureole as a site for STD infection. The bitch just doesn’t focus on the finer things in life, if you know what I mean!

And that’s another thing!

Mirkin just can’t stop talking about STDs! I mean, yeah, I know that AIDS sucks, and I feel sorry for the syphilitic, but jesus shit, if I have to see another oozing, pustule-encrusted, green, scabby, discharging vagina, I am so dumping my girlfriend.

I can’t believe what a disappointment this class has been.

You know, I was positive the syllabus would have devoted AT LEAST a week to an in-depth discussion of spandex and the psychological significance of camel toe. I expected a lecture each on Asian chicks, lesbians, and the clit. And can you imagine how great the homework could have been? I was sure I’d have an assignment involving the escorts section of the Yellow Pages, three packets of Jell-O, and a big fuckin’ spoon, man.

But dude, you know what we talked about for like an hour in section the other day? Gametes, man. Gametes.

The world’s fucked up.

JOIN THE MQ..

photo by Zach Horton

Children's shallow characterizations result in tepid audience reception.

instead we found out that Joey is such a god-awful actor that I’m embarrassed to be his parent.

Overall, this was a very poor performance by the entire cast, and speaking for the rest of the parents, I wish I hadn’t come.” Mr. Her-

TOP 8

nandez also stated his intentions of grounding his son for a whole month for making him sit through such a piece-of-crap play when he could have stayed at home and watched the game instead.

Reasons to violate a monkey

8. It's there.

7. It's just a monkey.

6. It won't say no.

5. It's single, you're single, hey!

4. Won't stop humping leg.

3. SCIENCE!!

2. Love.

1. It knocked over the lube.

TOP TEN

Uses for France

10. Germany’s bitch 9. Parking 8. Pretentious film majors 7. Water conservation 6. Nuclear testing ground 5. Millions and millions of harvestable kidneys 4. Home for rejected American comedians 3. Feeling more secure in our country's manliness.

2. Nothing 1. Boosting our military’s morale

I

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MQ

The MQ

October 30, 2002

Halloween Costumes at UCSD Belligerently Drunk Sun God Nothin’ says fun at UCSD like a shitfaced mutant pterodactyl.

How to Get the Most Out of Your Costume: Use the prestige of being the unofficial University mascot to steal shot glasses from the Sunshine Store, and hit on underage girls.

How to Create Your Costume: Tie-dye your old altar boy frock.

Nerdy Frat Boy Just ‘cause you’re a UCSD nerd doesn’t mean you can't join a frat. And just ‘cause you join a frat, doesn’t mean you’re not a UCSD nerd, nerd.

How to Get the Most Out of Your Costume: Study for your O-Chem midterm, drizunk.

How to Create Your Costume: Pay $87 a month for a sweatshirt and status.

Sniper Victim Costume The real sniper was caught just in time for you to get away with wearing this!

How to Get the Most Out of Your Costume: Hang around at gas stations in suburbs. Look around a lot.

How to Create your Costume: Cut out Target ads.

October 30, 2002

The MQ

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Geisel Library Dress up like the centerpiece of our strangely-decorated campus!

How to Get the Most Out of Your Costume: Being the Geisel Library

warrants you such effective pick-up lines as “The book depository’s in back,” and “Study deep, deep inside me.”

How to Create Your Costume:

Use a glue stick, some cardboard, and tempera paint.

Chancellor Dynes (Skeletor) Dress up like your campus leader/king. You can wield a lot of power, but you look like a corpse.

Even Skeletor couldn’t bend 30 thousand people to his ultimate and unforgiving will.

How to Get the Most Out of Your Costume: Fire your professor and write-up your RSO for being fat.

How to Create Your Costume: Lose 70 or 80 pounds and learn to run.

Trick-or-Treating in and Around the UCSD Campus • If the door’s unlocked, their furniture’s up for grabs.

• Many La Jollans give blue books and scantrons to trick or treating students.

• If rich La Jollans stiff you candy, nab the hood ornaments from their Mercedes.

• Don’t view fences and barking dogs as a deterrent, but as a challenge.

• Don’t go to the Center of Magnetic Recording Research. They only give out stale Charleston Chews and backup tapes.

• Head to Student Health for free condoms; head to ERC to use ‘em.

• Stop in at the Mormon Temple for secondary and tertiary wives.

• If you don’t like hair on your treats, visit the Preuss School.

• Steer clear of Warren. All they’re handing out is pink slips.

TOP TEN

Worst Halloween Memories

10. Getting a pleasantly-wrapped bag of rocks 9. Begging mom to take you to the hospital after discovering the razor-blade in that apple 8. That hooker costume your dad made you wear 7. That time you bled in the street ‘cause everyone thought you were going as a stab victim 6. The time the recluse on the hill behind your house actually gave you “the trick” 5. When grandma dressed up as Catwoman 4. Losing your foot to that wicked bout with hyperglycemia 3. That time T-bone carved your face 2. When your dad borrowed your pirate hook and it came back smelling like mom’s vagina 1. Getting spanked for complimenting that kid for his great “retard costume”

The MQ

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October 30, 2002

Sixth College Student Loses PDA, Life

By Jeff Robertson Staff Writer Last night, Residential Security Officers found Sixth College freshman Matt Korbert on the floor of his suite’s bathroom.

Korbert was discovered curled up in the fetal position with a broken AC cord wrapped around his neck, mumbling to himself “I’m a failure, can’t find it, I’m a failure, can’t find it.” The security officers carried him back to his room, where his roommate explained that “it” was his PDA, issued to him, along with all students of Sixth College. Korbert was unable to respond to questions about the missing property, only offering a cry of “failure!” before collapsing onto his bed.

According to his suitemates, they knew something was wrong when they heard a wail of despair come from Korbert’s room last Wednesday evening. His roommate explained that Korbert had somehow lost his PDA and was in a state of panic. Korbert’s roommate attempted to calm him by saying, “Dude, it was a crappy PDA anyway,” but he had no success, as Korbert was staring intently out his first floor window, as if ready to jump. Deciding against it, sources say that he went back to his usual routine but with a

haunted look permanently affixed to his face.

Korbert reached the breaking point when on Sunday while hanging out on Library Walk with some of his fellow Sixth College freshmen. Records point to Sunday as an exceptionally hot day and the group was partaking in one of the PDA’s most popular functions, using the casing to cool their faces.

Upon realizing their insensitive action they offered Korbert a turn, but he refused. Korbert then reportedly burst into tears and ran back to his room. Upon arrival he sat staring at his PDA cradle for several hours. Witnesses say that eventually he got up and, taking the AC adaptor, solemnly marched to the bathroom.

Korbert has remained in his room since last night’s incident, afraid to go out without a PDA. His roommate believes that he has dealt with this loss rather pathetically, considering that all he lost was “a stupid piece of plastic that only stays charged for a few stinkin’ hours.” Korbert’s roommate then swore as his PDA died and erased all his data.

Sixth College dean, Julie Wong, mentioned that Korbert was looking at a suspension for “the loss of college property and the inability to properly take one’s life in a fit of despair and self-loathing.”

Photo By: Tim Koster

Sixth College students callously flaunt PDA's while Korbert wallows in sorrow.

JUMPS: Continued from Pg. 2 flung themselves away from the building and floated slowly to their demise.

After a fall of two minutes, the article and continuances reached the ground where they

were dashed into pieces; almost three times as many pieces as the Guardian had decreed. Floods of black ink pooled underneath the fibrous mass as onlookers alternately screamed and cheered. The pile was eventually cleared from

the ground like so many of its predecessors.

Several observers on the ground stayed to witness the spectacle, including ten-year-old skateboarder David Reed. Reed was unable to see JUMPS, page 2

The Man Not Down With New Cool Class

Professor “totally bummed” over living in Squaresville

By Luke Barrington Staff Writer

Hippie professor refutes criticisms by "The Man"

TOP TEN Failed Fast-Food Restaurants

Photo By: Anne Rutledge

10. We Catch ‘Em, You Kill ‘Em 9. The “You’re a Little Too Late” Petting Zoo 8. Kentucky Fried Rubber 7. Fred’s Grade C Meat Emporium 6. Soup on a Stick 5. Anthrax Express 4. Mike’s Meat Malts 3. Chum ‘n Chutney 2. Fear Factor: The Restaurant 1. Boston Market

The instigation of a new class in UCSD’s Sociology department, SOC42, dubbed “Turningon, Tuning-in and Dropping-out in the 21st Century,” has been delayed following harsh sanctions from the Man, it was revealed last Friday. The course was due to start in the fall quarter of the 2002 academic year but must make some radical changes before being granted “mainstream” approval.

The course’s director, Professor Albert ‘Bongo’ Bartholemuez has emphatically refuted the criticisms. “This is just another example of how the Man keeps knocking us down and prevents every man, woman and child from exercising their God-given right to freak out.”

Representatives of the Man allege that Bartholemuez is “a liberal commie who threatens our nation’s safety and sanity.”

Professor Bartholemuez earned his doctorate in Psychology from Princeton under controversial circumstances in 1967 shortly after his first runin with the Man when he was almost jailed two months earlier after conducting research for his now infamous dissertation, “A is for Acid: psycho-actives for preschoolers.” Since then the Man has “been on [his] back like a jones for smack” with Bartholemuez believing that he has sighted the Man’s undercover agents or “squares” almost every time he has “gotten a little high” and insists that many of his friends and family have been brainwashed into “working for the Man.”

The class curriculum was designed to include practical knowhow for the budding drop-out such as the “art of joint rolling” and “scrounging to survive,” and then move on to more advanced techniques such as “synthesising LSD from household products” and “stimulating synesthesia.”

The class was to begin “as soon as I could make it off the beanbag in the faculty club,” said Bartholemeuz.

Matt Griegson, a third-year Biochemistry major, had planned on taking the class next quarter and lamented its abandonment, saying, “dude, finally they try to teach us some real world skills and, its like, the Man puts a total downer on our vibe.” Added Griegson, “Seriously dude.”

This incident adds to the long list of altercations between Professor Bartholemeuz and the Man and is, in the professor’s opinion, “a real bad buzz.” The Man himself was unavailable for comment, and is believed to be working on a conservative new draft of the Constitution in his modest home, somewhere in suburbia.

However, a source from inside the Establishment has revealed a number of reasons for the Man’s vetoing Bartholemuez’s course.

“The kind of outspokenness and individualism preached by Bartholemuez and his cronies undermines the right of all Americans to unite in sensible, middle-ofthe-road uniformity. The radical information and chemicals he is disseminating weakens the mind’s ability to conform to the Man’s master-plan.” He added, “If you undestand what I am saying, you are not just paranoid.

The Man is watching you.”

The MQ

October 30, 2002

I’m Really Attracted to Girls with Eating Disorders

By Leroy Johnson Republican I guess I’m not alone in having a little preference for a particular type of girl. Some guys have a “thing” for Asian girls, and some guys tend to date only voluptuous curly-haired brunettes. I even have a few friends who consciously seek out women who have some of the traits they see in their mothers.

But I don’t fall neatly into any of those neat categories. There’s just

TOP TEN

Things Dumber Than a State Student

one sort of girl for me. I like ‘em skinny, skinny and with a self-esteem problem. I’m really attracted to girls with eating disorders.

I just can’t get enough of those skinny skinny girls. There’s just something about a young woman who sacrifices her future health to squeeze into a child-sized miniTee. Maybe I’m not helping the cause of body-image rights activists when I talk about all this, but I just can’t deny how I feel. There’s little empty space in my heart, and it’s only big enough for a girl who throws up after dinner.

I just can’t take my eyes off of those fine girls with their frail bony bodies. I love watching a waferthin broomstick wobble down the street, with her jeans barely held up above her hips.

Hot diggitty.

And it’s not all just looks.

Believe me; I’m not a shallow man. But there’s just something about a girl who’ll do anything to keep me interested. And what’s more giving than a young woman honking up lunch, just to catch my attention!

Chicks with eating disorders have some fine fashion sense.

You know what I’m talking about, those tight little shirts hugging just above their navels, and pursing their taught, diminished breasts.

And how about those jeans. Dark, formfitting, and so tight that their bony pelvises nudge up over their belt loops. Shah-wing!

Look, I know a lot of people out there don’t appreciate what I’m saying. But, I just can’t bottle up these feelings. And oh boy, have I got a feeling for emaciated girls who’re neurotically insecure.

10. A state student dropped as a baby 9. A dumb horse 8. An ERC grad 7. Warren Academic Advising 6. Campus Republicans 5. Four-month-old jar of mayonnaise 4. A state student with a bag on her head... since last Wednesday 3. A sack of hammers 2. A retarded state student 1. Nuthin’!

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TOP TEN

Triton Tide Incentives for Attending UCSD Sporting Events

10. Bowl of oatmeal 9. Foam penis 8. Mercedes Benz 7. Bricks of Nazi gold 6. Chemistry textbook 5. UCSD Football jersey 4. Peer pressure 3. Fluffer 2. Hepatitis 1. A broken leg Join the MQ, we're a goddamn hoot.

Half Dome in Muir, Tuesdays 6 to 7pm. Drop on by, we love to see new faces.

More info:

www.themq.com Triton Tide Sponsors Trip to Ugly State Campus

By Bryce Warwick Sports Writer

Friday, November 1, 2002 (Week 5)

Triton Tide ROAD TRIP!!!

Women’s Volleyball at Cal State San Bernardino Join Triton Tide as they support the UCSD Women’s Volleyball team against the SORRY Coyotes in DIRTY San Bernardino $1 gets you a ticket, transportation, dinner, and credit for Triton Tide incentive Sign up at http://tritontide.ucsd.edu/events.shtml

3:00pm (Departure Time), 7:00 Game Time, CSU San Bernardino FOR MORE INFO: TRITONTIDE@UCSD.EDU or sign up online!!!

Triton Tide will be sponsoring a road trip to Cal State San Bernardino Friday, November 1st in order to determine the extent to which the inland campus has an unhealthy concentration of ugliness.

Event organizer and Associated Students Commissioner of Athletics, Robin Shelton explains the purpose of the trip: “Our initial hypothesis was that all women’s volleyball players were hot, but after seeing the Coyotes earlier this season we were forced to shield our eyes and vomit. We’ve since reconsidered our theory.”

Shelton’s group’s secondary assumption was that the town of San Bernardino, in some way caused ugliness upon otherwise beautiful volleyball players, based on several historical indicators.

In 1998, director David McNally visited the campus and was inspired to create the movie Coyote Ugly, but after being told by advisors that the movie would be financially infeasible were he to use actual CSUSB students, he decided instead to cast attractive women.

The town’s founding also has a history of ugliness. In 1810, Spanish pioneers encountered a large St. Bernard taking a dump on the barren landscape, and named the town that would

develop in his honor – San Bernardino. Legend says that one of the settlers was especially enamored with the dog, and that she mated with it several times, bearing children with the slathering, canine features of their father.

The Coyote volleyball team is currently 21-2 on the season in a first place tie with UCSD. The standings are tentative, however, because league officials have yet to comment on whether or not CSUSB will be forced to forfeit any games due to the recent incident in which a rabid Coyote player bit an official.

CSUSB is led by ugly former All-American Kim Ford who had offers to play at several better schools, but chose San Bernardino in an effort to fit in.

Trent later apologized for her lack of ability to form a coherent sentence, lamenting the lack of education she is receiving at CSUSB due to the fact that she was rejected by several local junior colleges.

Triton Tide has encouraged students to sign up for the trip to San Bernadino online at http:/ /tritontide.ucsd.edu/events.shtml to watch UCSD’s hot volleyball players destroy the ugly Coyotes.

“For one dollar you get transportation, dinner, admission,” Shelton said. “And we guarantee that every UCSD student that attends will leave with increased self-esteem.”

The MQ

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October 30, 2002

Bush Spells Iraq, Saddam: Country Shocked After 3 tries, Bush correctly spells foreign words

By Greg Mallis Staff Writer This weekend at a press conference in Washington, D.C., President Bush talked about his future plans for dealing with the increasingly volatile situation in Iraq, and for dealing with Saddam Hussein, during which he correctly spelled the names of our nation’s top adversaries.

During the interview, in which President Bush read his statement off a teleprompter, a reporter from the Washington Elementary School Bulletin asked President Bush to spell the names of the country and persons whom the press conference was regarding.

The president seemed to stumble on the word Iraq a few times, but after being reminded by the Secretary of Interior, Gale Norton, that he was reading off a teleprompter, he quickly said the correct letters in the correct order to spell out the word Iraq, to the utter amazement of the audience.

In a possible attempt to outdo himself, the president began trying to spell out the name of Saddam Hussein. After a

spelling of “S-A-H-D-O-M” and a spelling of “S-A-W-D-AM-N”, the president was once again reminded by the White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher that he had the word on the teleprompter in front of him, after which the president proceeded to correctly spell Hussein’s name.

Edith M. Lederer, a reporter for the Associated Press, said, “I was glad to see that Bush only went for the first name. We all know that in a million years, and with a million teleprompters, he would never be able to spell Hussein.” This seemed to be the consensus of many of the reporters at the news briefing.

Another reporter commented, “What does it matter that the head of our nation can’t spell the name of the country who we are about to be fighting a bloody, costly war with? You don’t have to be all that smart to push that big red button, right?”

Bush’s foray into the world of “spelling” has left many in the country fearing that Bush is not ready for where he is taking the country. Robert Burns, Associated Press Military Writer commented, “Sometimes it

Ways to Get Your Parents to Stop Calling

photo by EMAIL

Apparently, one of Bush's lesser known talents is reading upside down at a third grade reading level.

seems that Bush doesn't quite measure up to expectations of the office as set by his prececessors. You know, like literacy, or being elected."

In an attempt to quell such rumors about the presidency, Deputy Secretary of State Rich-

TOP TEN

ard L Armitage told the press that “These sorts of mistakes will not be made anymore with Iraq and Saddam. However, let us all pray that we don’t have any upcoming involvement with those tougher-to-spell countries like Chechnya or Uzbekistan.”

10. Refer to them as Carlos 9. Switch to a 900 number 8. Babble incoherently 7. Blame them for all your problems, all the time 6. Constantly ask them if they smell something burning 5. Send them a picture of your new tattoo/ piercing 4. Mail them your university bill 3. Don’t hide your drunken slur 2. Have your hook-up answer the phone 1. Disconnect your phone, stupid

Student Anxiously Awaits Care Package TOP TEN Wonders why parents retracted unconditional love

By David Lin Staff Writer Mark Paulson, a freshman at UCSD’s Warren College, was found weeping and naked by the side of the Warren SAC on Monday. He was detained by officers

after assaulting mail services personel, accusing them of “spiriting away” parcels sent from his parents in Sacramento.

At the beginning of the school year, friends and roommates say Paulson was a quiet, studious, upstanding student. “He was just

photo by Andy Collins

Mark, shortly before breaking down into tears while eating at Sierra Summit.

kind of a pansy and momma’s boy,” said friend William Louis.

“He called home all the time, got one of those daily planners, went to all his classes.” However, as the days and weeks went by, Paulson became increasingly jittery and introverted. “He’s never been away from his parents,” Louie continued, “It was like this in high school too. I thought coming out here to San Diego would help sever that last beef jerky-like strand of his umbilical cord, ya know?”

Unfortunately, it seems that Paulson had not yet developed the faculties necessary to survive outside the amniotic sac.

Upon his probationary release, Mark described to reporters the madness which consumed his brittle little mind: “Most nights I would jolt awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, shaking, with this tight, acute pain in my lower abdomen. Sometimes I knew right away that I was having a panic attack, trying to deal with the shock of being so far away from my parents. Other times I was a little confused because I couldn’t really tell if that tight feeling was anxiety or if I just needed to pee.” Paulson added, “Because, you know, sometimes you just need to pee in the middle of the night.”

Mark finally broke under the strain on Saturday night. After coming out of the shower, he walked in a trance-like state to the mailboxes by the Warren SAC, completely unaware that it would

be at least thirty-six hours before the next shipment of mail would be distributed.

By Sunday, numerous passersby had noted the nude, waif-like boy with glazed eyes squatting before the rows of mailboxes, but as one student put it, “assumed it was just another one of those expressions of modern art I don’t understand, so rather than risk looking stupid in front of my snotty French-Lit/ Art major friends by asking them about it, I just kept quiet.”

Mail Services personnel finally arrived on Monday afternoon, and Paulson exploded into a fit of rage upon learning that none of the packages being delivered that day were for him. According to numerous witnesses, Mark employed some kind of simian fighting technique, utilizing the feces with which he had soiled himself over the past two days as projectile weapons.

When reached for comment, Dr. and Mrs. Paulson disavowed any and all knowledge of Mark, denying ever having borne a son, or even ever having had sex at all.

Upon further investigation, however, officers discovered that Mark’s parents actually had sent him a care package some time ago, but it had been mistakenly sent to a Revelle student at Argo Hall.

There, its contents were bartered as payment for sex with ten-year-old boys in Tijuana. Officer Thomas Chang said of the matter, “You sick Revelle bastards should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Signs Your Roommate Is Dead 10. The room smells better 9. They're no longer going insane 8. Stopped masturbating all over your bed 7. Games of catch are less fun 6. It’s easier to hit on her boyfriend 5. You’re holding a bloody axe 4. Drain no longer clogged with back hair 3. No more animal porn is showing up on your computer 2. Droning background noise is gone 1. Your toothbrush hasn’t been used to clean the toilet bowl

The MQ: Funnier than a race horse, and we mean a funny race horse. Tuesday 6pm, Half Dome Lounge

The MQ

Page 11

by Kathryn Panian

DAVE & ME While driving about the campus and surrounding area I noticed a striking similarity between many of the cars—Dave Matthews bumper stickers.

“What’s wrong with a bumper sticker?” you may ask. Sure, not much. "People have the right to their own opinions," you say. Maybe. But isn’t it a bit odd that so many students find Dave to be enjoyable and entertaining? How can they stomach the music that only middle-aged women and an unnamed guitar teacher should find pleasure in?

Easy: Brainwashing.

It’s a little-known fact that UCSD has been running this “mind re-patterning” scam for some time now. With aid from “free” psychological help, students learn to love this mundane and creepy man.

I’m sure right about now you’re asking yourself why the school would pay psychologists to help Dave out. It’s really a

very simple answer. Dave is Satan.

If you’ve ever seen him in an interview, you will have noticed his beady eyes and high-pitched unsettling voice only mask his truly diabolical self. He even names the band after himself—a little egotistical, isn’t it, Dave?

I found out the hard way. As a Bio Engineer Major, I was feeling a little down this year as I still have no idea what a Bio Engineer even is. I’m a third-year! I’m going to be graduating in a few years, and if I don’t know what I’m doing now, there’s not much chance that will change. Considering that this major allows me no free time, and that I’m a virtual shut-in, I stopped

by Psychological and Counseling Services for some “free” advice.

PCS told me I should attend a Dave Matthews tribute night in order to get out and “make friends.”

At this point of my life, I didn't even know how to begin. But since I’m a moron, I decided to give it a shot. I arrived there bright-eyed

and eager to socialize. That’s when we got locked in the shack. I won’t go into the details, and it’s far too horrific to recount, but let’s just say I got out alive—if you can call it that.

After that night, I felt possessed to buy Dave’s albums and see him play live in concert. I wasn’t alone in this obsession. Other students were just as eager to see the Dave “experience” as I was, and quickly spent hundreds in the frenzy to get a glimpse of Dave. The brainwashing ended when I came to at the side of a road, penniless, but decked out in a Dave sweatshirt and hat, and holding a handful of stickers, patches, CDs, and various other Dave merchandise.

It shames me to acknowledge that I was once a Dave fan, but it is a fact that I am forced to deal with everyday. Only with extensive therapy will I be able to revert back to what I once was: a sad, lonely, Bio Engineer. But hey, that’s better than being in a cult—am I right?

A Super-Student's Success

A classic UCSD story

By Jacob Ward Staff Writer First year Warren student Tobias Wright, charging full speed into UCSD, is hiding a dark secret. The former valedictorian of Silverado High School claims that “high sc-c-chool was j-j-just way too

October 30, 2002

easy.” Now, the freshman is tackling five different classes including Computer Programming, Organic Chemistry, Latin Mathematics, Ancient Babylonian History, and Math 20F. He has also joined the surf club, the Chemistry for Fun

photo by Jacob Ward

Club, and Campus Crusade for Christ. On top of this, Tobias is also self-employed, selling items he refused to identify from his dorm. How can one freshman do all of this and still have a normal life?

When asked how he does it, Tobias said, “It’s-s-s really all abb-bout focusing! You j-j-just have to focus on s-s-studying and you will find that you r-r-rarely need to sleep-p-p or eat at all.”

How can one live without eating or sleeping? According to Tobias, the answer is simple. “I just do the exact s-s-same thing I d-d-did in high school. I stayed up-p-p for…what the hell was that?! Oh, it was just a shadow.

Anyway, I st-t-tayed up for 180 d-d-days straight, studying a-t-t-t night and living my l-l-life during the day, all thanks to the meth.”

After a brief pause, Tobias added “I mean, uh…umm…uh, focusing. That’s r-r-right, focusing.”

Much like the football player who really wants to make the team but just doesn’t have the necessary abilities, Tobias resorts to better living through chemistry.

In his defense, Tobias replied “Ll-look! I don’t even know what methamphetamine, or C10H15N, is, ok-k-kay! I’d never ev-v-ven t-t-touch that…delicious…crystalline hydrochloride…I MEAN, uh, n-n-nasty shit! It’s al-l-l ab-b-bout f-f-focusing! R-r-really! And, incc-case you are w-w-wondering, I d-d-don’t sell…is that a fucking cop outside?! Ah, j-j-just another shadow. I don’t s-s-sell speed.

But, if anyone w-w-wants help s-s-studying, just c-c-come on over. My p-p-prices are f-f-fifty bucks a g-g-gram…NO…I mean, an hour. But, trust me, you g-g-get what you’re p-p-paying for, and I w-w-would know.”

The MQ is not responsible for the actions of the above minor.

www.themq.com Eventually.

photo by Diana Balzick

Dave Matthews is the devil. See?

MQ meetings The only place where you'll find monkeys and midgets coexisting in a Marxist commune.

Tuesdays at 6pm, Half Dome Lounge, Muir College

The MQ

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October 30, 2002

MQ Trading Cards: UCSD's Gosh-Darned Professors Activist Environmental Studies Professor

Lecherous Biology Professor 68

Chainsaw-Wielding Professor III

02

Favorite OutďŹ t: Hemp and snazzy tie-dye number Pet cause: Protecting our nation's youth from earning a living

Hates: Life, ironically

Emo Mathematics Professor

Gender Studies Professor

Likes: Asking students, "How badly do you want an A?"

15

39

Role models: Kirby, a wet cardboard box, and a smashed banana Enjoys: Wine, Italian food, nights alone Hates: Men, women

11th floor of Tioga, Muir College "Learn how to unleash your inner beast (or pornstar). Learn to improvise. Learn to live."

Buy MQ Ad Space themq@ucsd.edu for schedule "Cheapest rates on campus"

Wannabe Cool Computer Science Professor 01101

Likes: Getting published, chainsaw

Role_model: BillNye_thescience_guy

Hates: College students, necking teenagers

Motto: CS is fun!

Hates: How alone he is

Pretentious Literature Professor

Mad Scientist Chemistry Professor 2.014

50

Motto: Until you kill yourself, your writing will be drivel Secret Disappointment: Will never write anything worthy of publication

Fun fact: Thinks ethidium bromide is the sexiest compound Dates: Centerfuge Wears: Wig made from sister's hair