The MQ Volume 21 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“Winners do what losers don’t want to do.”

— Bill Belichick

We’ll be the “and” to your “Simon and Garfunkel.”

February 4, 2015

Donald Trump Victorious in War on Poverty

Volume XXI Issue IV

IN THIS ISSUE INSTAGRAM NIPPLE SEARCH

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BY SORA CHEE AND HANNAH ROSENBLATT

“THE BULGE” SHARES HIS TIPS

3

D

VALENTINE’S DAY BOARD GAME

MQ Dad and Associate Content Editor onald Trump recently announced victory for the rich in the War on Poverty in a public address on Sunday, asserting that a considerable number of Americans were living below the poverty line by the end of 2014. The defeat of the poor by Trump and his wealthy colleagues has been deemed a “great accomplishment” by military strategists nationwide, as the culmination of such a lengthy battle could only have been reached with considerable hard work and extensive planning.

“For more than 51 years, the top one percent of our great nation has been at war with the poor,” Trump said in his address. “In his 1964 declaration of the War on Poverty, Lyndon B. Johnson said that $1,000 invested in salvaging an unemployable youth today will return $40,000 or more in his lifetime. However,

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

As a final “fuck you” to the poor, Trump angled the middle finger so it wouldn’t even be usable as a sun dial. we say that’s $1,000 worth of crime against the American taxpayer!” Trump continued, explaining that wealthy taxpayers’ means of supporting themselves has been endangered ever since.

“Now, thanks to the extraordinary sacrifices of our powerful lobbyists and business partners, as well as our corporate lawyers and accountants, our war of attrition against lazy, welfare freeload-

ers has ended in a righteous victory,” Trump said.

Mr. Trump proceeded to thank the U.S. at large for the

See POVERTY, page 2

New Study Finds Diet Pepsi Linked to Crisp, Refreshing Taste

6,7

CHANGES TO MUIR FIELD

8

JACK COMES OUT OF BOX

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NEWS IN BRIEF UCSD PROFESSOR GETTING A LITTLE SMUG AFTER NOTICING CHILI PEPPER RATING UC San Diego Professor Anton Bearnaise has reportedly started to act “a little full of himself” this week after noticing his “Red Hot” attractiveness ranking on RateMyProfessor.com. Bearnaise reportedly stumbled upon the page while, in his words, “definitely not Googling [his] own name.”

Since making the discovery, Bearnaise has been starting class while performing deep lunges, squats, and slow, soulful bridges as he introduces the concepts to be covered that day.

“Yeah, you like that?”

Bearnaise whispered to himself at the start of BILD 3 last week, in the middle of a dog stretch. “I know this is what you’re here to see.”

Reportedly, his wife, UCSD Professor Melinda Bearnaise, was “pretty tired with the whole thing” as of Tuesday of this week.

“It was one thing when he would just smile smugly as he took his shirt off,” she said. “I dealt with the same thing after he did that study on average human penis length. I’m pretty exhausted by the fishnet shirt, however.”

One students in his class this week reportedly claimed, “What is this? Why is this happening?”

“I just came to his office hours for help on the homework,” another student said.

“I don’t know what ‘these pecs’ have to do with population bottlenecks.”

PARENTS WORRIED ABOUT CHILD’S COMMON SENSE, FEAR OF MEASLES

PHOTO BY ROHIT GODBOLE AND JULIA LI

“Thank you, Make-A-Wish Foundation, for fulfilling my wish for a lifetime supply of Pepsi!” exclaimed the patient, before the doctor told him he had three days to live.

BY COLE STEFFENSEN Publicity Chair

A

recently released study published in “The Journal of Consumer Products” concluded with 99.6 percent certainty that Diet Pepsi was correlated with “thirst-quenching freshness” and “feel-good party vibes for today’s young consumer.” Additionally, the study found that participants who drank the beverage made more money, had more friends, found greater satisfaction in both their professional and personal lives, and had an increased risk of pancreatic cancer.

The study, which began in spring of 2012, monitored the health, satisfaction and “coolness points” of the participants as they drank upwards of two

liters of Diet Pepsi per day.

Analysis of the data found that of the 2,000 participants in the study, nearly all described the beverage as “crisp,” “refreshing,” and “thirst-quenching.”

All subjects saw an approximate 10-15 percent rise in their “coolness points” over the three-year period, and another five percent contracted stage III metastatic pancreatic cancer — a figure over a thousand times above the national average.

Also, most subjects preferred Diet Pepsi to other leading diet beverages, disproving earlier studies conducted by Coca-Cola International.

According to the report, the most concerning statistic uncovered by the study was the correlation between Diet Pepsi consumption and average number of sexual part-

ners. The study found that, on average, a consumer of Diet Pepsi had sex twice as often as his peers. Many male participants found themselves, at times, unable to keep up with the “ravenous appetites” of their many varied and sexually liberated partners. Despite more frequent urination due to the beverage’s caffeine content, subjects found that Diet Pepsi, America’s favorite diet drink, still made them “too irresistible” to handle.

The study claims, however, that although Pepsi’s “magnetic” properties extended to both sexes, many female participants found it harder to keep pace with their male counterparts, due in part to complications arising from weekly chemotherapy.

Dave Attenburg, lead re-

searcher at Johns Hopkins University and head of the study, said that the results were a mixture of “surprising” and “expected,” in a press release.

“We already knew Diet Pepsi made you cooler and more likely to engage in sexual acts with attractive and willing partners,” said Attenburg, “but we were floored by how much of a difference it made in some participants’ lives.

Some participants still write to me, thanking me for allowing them to engage in the study.

“If we’ve learned anything from the study, it’s that PepsiCo International makes a wonderful family of products for the American consumer, and also that Diet Pepsi has an inextricable link to a series of virulent and ultimately fatal cancers.”

ICE CREAM FADES OUT OF FOCUS AS GRACIE CLOSES HER EYES

AREA WOMAN SMOKES TEENAGERS

The last thing she hears is the mafia boss firing his gun

Closes in on smoked meat aisle of underwater Walmart

Area parents of Taylor Parks have expressed concern about their daughter’s growing desire for a measles vaccination, as the measles outbreak continues to threaten Disneylandloving children. The parents claimed to be “sheltering their baby from the evils of synthesized chemicals and medical research” by making the decision to not vaccinate. However, Taylor’s suspicions about the dangers of the measles arose when she was assigned a report about the outbreak.

After asking her parents to explain what “measles” were, they reportedly replied, “it’s just a monster

doctors make up to scare you and make themselves feel superior.”

After further research, Taylor concluded that the measles are real and a considerable threat, and decided that a vaccination was in her best interest. However, her parents responded to her increased concern by deciding to take her to Disneyland in order to “provide her a light distraction from her stressed life.”

Taylor then responded by locking herself in her room, and is currently refusing to go on the trip until she can get her shots, and all the Disney employees test negative for measles.

LIONEL MESSI TO TRANSFER TO NOTTINGHAM FOREST In a move that is sure to shake up European football, Sky Bet Championship side Nottingham Forest has agreed to pay a record £120 million transfer to bring Barcelona forward Lionel Messi to the club.

“I think it’s a good move,” said new Forest manager Dougie Freedman. “He should add a new dimension to our attack and help us get a shot at promotion this year. Lionel is a special player, he should make a great improvement to our offense.”

Messi will join an offense that includes English

midfielder Matty Fryatt and German International Robert Tesche. Currently sitting at 12th on the Championship table, Forest will need all the scoring power they can get to push for promotion with half a season left to play.

“Promotion this year is unlikely,” Freedman said.

“Lionel will help us avoid relegation, and with a few additions to our midfield, we should be able be big players next year.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

February 4, 2015

Instagram Team to Determine If Nipple Is Male, Female

PHOTO BY EVVAN BURKE

“I know we’re going for racial diversity, but the picture was clearly of a … I mean, I’m not a racist, but … I’m just saying,” the grad student said, as the other researchers slowly walked out of the room.

BY RILEY D. MALLORY AND NATALIE MCLAIN

Editor-in-Chief and Content Editor

T

he official Instagram Standards Investigative Team set out to determine whether the tightly framed image of a human nipple posted to the site last week belonged to a man or a woman. The decision to hold off judgment was made in order to, according to a press release last week, “uphold freedom of expression, in the case that the nipple is male, while we determine if it is, instead, a profane, female filth teat.”

“It's less straightforward than you may think,” said Chief Investigative Officer Charlie Lear, scrolling through pages of Google Search results. “Sure, you can judge by size, but what if it's a particularly cold day for some? Or a warm day for others? You just can't know, without exhaustive research, if it is a male nipple or a shameful female slut bubble.”

The anonymous image,

posted last week, is not the first time Instagram has encountered issues with female nudity. Comedian Chelsea Handler has repeatedly posted images of herself recreating famous images or shirtless men. These photos have been removed because, according to Instagram’s public relations office, “the originals display proud, accomplished men, while her photos displayed only the shameful female form.”

This sort of investigation is not unprecedented in Instagram’s history. Most recently, the Standards Investigative Team worked out a methodology to determine if tightly framed photos of fleshy mounds displayed vulvas or carefully shaped skin folds.

To determine the sex of the tightly framed nipple currently in question, the Investigative Team has set out to photograph and analyze hundreds of thousands of individuals’ nipples, male and female, gathered under the pretense of interviews for a “modeling job.” The subjects

were divided into groups to be photographed under a variety of conditions, including hot rooms, cold rooms, and in the presence of a researcher with a jawline like “BAM!” With the information gathered from these sessions, researchers hope to construct a computer algorithm that determines nipple sex with 86 percent accuracy.

Meanwhile, a subgroup of the Investigative Team has attempted to ascertain the identity of this nipple by survey research, using “instinctual reaction theory.”

This group gathered straight female and gay male volunteers, and then had them look deeply into the photo.

“I want you to imagine you're running your nose against it and it perks to your touch. Now, you're running your tongue slowly over it, your breath hot against it, before you finally seal your mouth over it,” said Lead Researcher Mary Wolfe. “Now, are you aroused by this imaginary act or do you expect nourishment from it?”

This portion of the project was going to be coauthored with scientists from UCLA, but when the UCLA Internal Review Board was presented with the project outline they sent back to Instagram only a single sheet of paper with the sentence “Is this a joke?” on it.

“I actually had my own shame spigots removed,” said Wolfe. “By a guy with pliers and an X-Acto knife behind a Kinkos. I actually posted the pictures of the operation on Instagram, which I know seems hypocritical, but luckily the blood and gore covered anything unseemly.”

Instagram has also set out to begin a preventative campaign to address the growing concerns regarding female nipples. Paid Instagram employees will begin roaming major cities in early February with battery-operated hair dryers, intent on finding women whose erect nipples are visible through their shirts and blowing warm air on them until they become soft again.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Poverty

“lukewarm to non-existent voting interest in U.S. urban and rural poverty,” and for the subsequent “decimation” of the last available resources needed to overcome chronic economic subordination of often-marginalized populations.

Although many noted that the top one percent had greater access to resources and funds, Trump assured the public that the results were “solely reflective of a difference in work ethic and support from both sides,” and further claimed that “the poor had an equal opportunity to beat us, and might have won, but they just didn’t have the personal drive to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, get educated, and get a socially dominant, high paying job.”

However, small-scale dissent and reports that individuals will continue to attempt to rise out of poverty are already surfacing.

Lifestyle consultant Sheila Jenkins suggested that “if the poor were to attempt a second fight against the upper class, they would want be sure to focus on activities that support their minds, spirits, and bodies, and possibly take time off of work to devote more of their attention to the

issue.”

Other advice from the one percent included maintaining a hearty, balanced diet to ensure health and high energy throughout the day, investing in a Tempur-Pedic Contour mattress, and doing yoga or Pilates to remain limber.

President Obama has already announced his support of a carefully planned, peaceful, and diplomatic retaliation against Trump and his allies while maintaining good business relations and a “timely” national economic recovery. However, President Obama has yet to specify any planned congressional action on the issue.

“I ask that the American public remember that during my administration, the unemployment rate in America has fallen to a six-year low,” said Obama, noting that this drop was “much like that of the ratings of Mr. Trump’s reality show, ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.”

When asked to comment on whether the current decline of the nation’s unemployment rate might indicate an upcoming second War on Poverty, Trump responded, “You’re fired.”

Who’s got antisocial tendencies now, Dr. Baker?

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

Editor-in-Chief.............................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Associate Content Editor..Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor.................................Kyle Trujillo Assistant Design Editor..Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood

Graphics Editor.............................Ryan Gibbs Assistant Graphics Editor............Jen Windsor Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Assistant Copy Editor..................Evvan Burke Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Assistant Social Chair.................Kayle Kvinge Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Lieutenant..................Uma Mahto MQ Dad..........................................Sora Chee Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Farah Abouzeid Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Corina Cadiz Angelique De Castro Wesley Chan

We knew, but we all bit into that lemon anyway.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I’m so thoroughly impressed by the way in which the new editors have engaged and participated in production. From the start, they were all right in the thick of it, to the point that it’s hard to remember what it was like before they were here. That, and everyone’s hard work, creative drive, and skill have come together to make what I think is a fantastic issue. I look forward to continue to working with all of you, and I hope you don’t fire me when you discover how much money I’ve been embezzling. Kyle, don’t print this last part.

Dylan Everingham Rohit Godbole Svein Gonzalez Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin

Julia Li Drew Nguyen Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Robert Pond Rohan Rangray

Kendra Quinlan Brian Seibert Anthony Showalter Samantha Stevens Luke Tribble Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang

Booster Club Thank you to everyone who supplied the foodstuffs that we use to reimburse editors and staff members in place of say, money or health insurance. In particular, thank you to Andrew, Lawrence, Jen, and Barak for bringing soda. Thank you to Garrett, for bringing chocolate stars, peppermint chocolates, and potato chips. Thank you to Jacob for letting me borrow his identity to buy water. I’m sorry for all of the bridges I burned as you. Thank you to Kat, for bringing oranges; thank you to Sora, for bringing Trader Joe’s cookies; thank you to Elizabeth, for bringing a s’mores dip item; and thanks to Kayle, for ice cream.

Finally, thank you to Trev for bringing a Hillary Clinton mask. As you may notice in the issue, it got some use.

theMQ.org

February 4, 2015

Page 3

Lana Del Rey Announces Intervention Tour for Courtney Love

EDITORIAL

My Tips for Acing the Interview at Pensacola Male Revue

BY BILLY “BULGE” ELROY

Stripper Success Story f you’re like me, you’ve done everything right so far. You started early by taking pole dancing night classes at the rec. You’ve been eating right and keeping those glutes in perfect, this-ass-earns-twenties shape. You know every bit of thong minutiae on the College Board Dancer’s Entry Exxxam. Now you just need to shimmy your way through the last part, the hardest part, of the strip club admissions process: the interview.

The interview is considered the most important part of the admissions process because strip club owners want to know what kind of person you are. An applicant who may look good on paper may be an absolute schlong-downer in real life. Stripping applicants thus must be evaluated holistically: intelligence, maturity, ability to connect with others, and discretion when connecting with others, because our club would get shut down if we explicitly explained what “connecting with others” means.

It’s a competitive process, and we all know pre-strippers are the most cutthroat people.

Maybe your background isn’t so hot — perhaps you failed a few classes or didn’t get stellar recommendations from your previous employers. You’ll be tempted to fudge a few details.

Don’t. Be honest about your experience in exotic dancing, and elaborate on your answers with memorable anecdotes. Talk about times you’ve stripped for friends, even if you were just drunk and the “Cheers” marathon was getting dull. The interviewer won’t remember anything about you, even if you

I

PHOTO BY HILLARY CHAN

“Looks like I’m gonna have to Cobain somebody again,” Love whispered under her breath as the intervention banner unfurled.

BY TREV MALONE

A

Social Chair

cclaimed American singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey announced on Tuesday plans for a nationwide tour, her first following the release of her third studio album “Ultraviolence.” While the press release was held in an abandoned barn, in accordance with tradition, Lana declared that the tour would take on a very different tone than her previous ventures.

Most notable of the upcoming changes is a shift in focus from herself to Courtney Love, front woman for the rock band Hole, with a notable past of drug and alcohol abuse. Love inspired a storm of controversy concerning her public inebriation earlier in the month when she assaulted a paparazzi photographer while screaming, “My pussy tastes

like Pepsi cola. My eyes are wide like cherry pies. I wear my diamonds on skid row.”

“Everything I want I have,” said Del Rey, explaining her reasons for the intervention. “Money, notoriety, and rivieras. I want to use my resources to help others like Courtney, especially those who think they have found God in drugs and addiction perpetuated by the flash bulbs of the pretty cameras.

“Courtney, Courtney, doesn’t have a problem,” Del Rey said in response to questions concerning why she chose Love as the subject of the intervention. “Lying to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf. It’s alarming, honestly, how charming she can be.

Fooling everyone, telling them she’s having fun. But I have known her long enough to see her fuck her way up to the top and then fall back to rock bot-

tom. If the music industry isn’t going to help her find health and happiness on her own, then I will take matters into my own hands.

“It was difficult for her not to be afraid of me — to not be ashamed,” Del Rey said of trying to convince Love to participate. “I needed her to walk in the way of my soft resurrection.”

Although public statements from Love have been limited, she did comment in a recent interview that when Del Rey approached her about the tour she initially felt like “[her] life was sweet like cinnamon, and [she] was living it like a dream.” However, after some coaxing by Del Rey and along with learning the projected revenue for the tour, Love said that she responded enthusiastically. “One for the money and two for the show. I love you honey, and I’m ready,

A PSA from the

You saw nothing.

New Amenities Signage.

Lanes changing and maturing as people.

Entering puberty ahead.

Would I approve of this, kiddo?

Also, why don’t you ever call me?

I’m ready to go.”

Representatives of the tour, which will run from late spring through summer, have commented that the tour will not only be for Love, but will also use the proceeds to raise money for charities providing help to depressed or at risk teenagers. Archibald Dunphy, a representative for the tour who appeared at Del Rey’s press release, commented, “Summertime can be one of the saddest times of the year, especially in such a transitional phase as early adulthood. We want this tour to inspire the youth to be dope.

Be proud. Like an American.”

Corporate sponsors of this “intervention tour” include Diet Mountain Dew, Levi’s blue jeans, Ubisoft video games, and blue velvet.

“Let me put on a show for you, daddy,” Love concluded the interview.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles released a set of 2015 road signages today for immediate implementation.

Please familiarize yourself with the updated images to ensure that all future instances of motorized transit fall within the updated rules and zoning.

This rule is a lot more strict; we will shoot you down if you speed.

Warning: Rising sea levels.

Just keep driving. I love you, Thelma.

have the best hair and the most washboard-y abs, if you can’t tell a coherent story about what led you here. Be confident, be assertive, and be yourself.

Every year, I meet aspiring dancers who have the body, the personality, even the appropriately placed tattoo (just peeking out from underwear, preferably left hip), but they don’t make the cut. Here’s why: They don’t give compelling, personal reasons about why they want to come in every night, Wednesday through Sunday, and grind their crotches into the faces of hundreds of adoring, rum-doused strangers.

Right now, buddy, can you tell me why you’d want to do that?

And, sure, you’ll talk about how your aunt or your grandpa got cancer when you were a kid, and you were somehow inspired by the experience to go into stripping, yada, yada, yada. It’s a tired, overused story, and it rarely tells me anything about you. What drives you to swivel on the lap of a fortyyear-old, his semi beneath you, as you swallow that heady mix of revulsion and pride?

These are the kinds of questions you’ll be asked, and, to be honest, they’re the easy ones. You have to demonstrate that your story adds up to you wanting to become a tease artist. “Artist” is a key word here; stripping is not just a job, not just a profession. So don’t ever, ever say you’re in it just for the money. Applicants often forget that art has a producer and a consumer: you may be having the time of your life bouncing your barely contained scrotum along to some EDM beat, but if you forget that there are people, real people, receiving your art, then you have failed. Can you convince the interviewer that you’ll remember these are real people? If not, you can bounce your pretty little scrotum right out that door.

But for those of you who can do what I’ve laid out above, those who are confident, memorable, personable, and unafraid to work tirelessly for the enjoyment of others, you may just have what it takes to interview successfully and earn yourself a place at this hallowed institution.

TOP FIFTEEN

Failed Slogans for “Barbie: I Can Be a Computer Engineer” 15. The only thing harder than pointer arithmetic is picking an outfit 14. The laptop changes color in the wash 13. She learned Java from Barista Barbie 12. Be who you want to be, as long who you want to be doesn’t deviate from gender norms 11. Out of 10010110 she’s a 10 10. Featuring Barbie, the Internet Explorer 9. Prequel to “Barbie: I Can Be a Stay-atHome Mom” 8. Glass ceiling sold separately 7. Finally a way for broads to learn about things like turning on a computer and the internet 6. Featuring real typing action from Secretary Barbie 5. “My last boss said I should learn DD++” 4. Turns out gender isn’t the only binary!

3. Here, STEM means Stellar, Teamwork, Exciting, and Magical 2. It’s as easy as asking a man 1. “I’m gonna make an app for my shoes”

Page 4

theMQ.org

February 4, 2015

New Drug Expotox Cures Cancer, Cleans Whiteboards

Hundreds of Students Stranded on Campus after Slight Shuttle Route Change

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“What light is to the eyes, what air is to the lungs, a bus stop on every corner is to the soul,” said self-proclaimed “bus girl.”

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

The Thorton Hospital oncology ward organized a special trip to Staples while the “buy two, get one free” offer was still standing.

BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT Associate Content Editor

P

rofitmor Pharmaceuticals recently announced the upcoming release of their new drug Expotox that has been clinically proven to both cure cancer and clean whiteboards most of the time. Expotox is expected to become available by the end of the month, and will be sold as an oral spray in either Erotic Mint or Jazzy Papaya flavor.

Marketing chair Rob Woolf predicts good reception of the new drug by a large majority of the general public.

“Expotox has the ability to appeal to both critically ill patients and average teachers, allowing for a target audience spanning multiple age groups and levels of desperation,” explained Woolf.

To further boost sales, the release of the drug will be coupled with an aggressive advertisement campaign. Woolf has confirmed the campaign will include commercials that

will “switch from images of multiracial cancer survivors of various ages and body shapes to satisfied, ethnically diverse teachers of different genders to appeal to all possible demographics.”

The only possible drawback of the new drug is its high cost, as a four ounce bottle of Expotox is priced at $2,000, and the drug is not yet covered by any insurance. However, the makers of the drug ensure that Expotox’s effectiveness is worth the cost. Regarding criticism of the high price, Profitmor executives have stated that they will resort to “blaming Obama,” which they claim has been an effective strategy since the Affordable Care Act passed.

The FDA expressed great concern over the release of the drug, claiming that it needed further testing to ensure it achieves the results promised.

“Yeah, Expotox was pretty good at cleaning whiteboards,” said Taylor Johnston, a research assistant at Prof-

itmor. “But those rats that we tested it on looked even gnarlier by the end of the experiments. I feel like they would have been better off with just the untreated cancer. That Jazzy Papaya one tasted pretty good, though.”

“Whatever you do, don’t release this,” pleaded Xotchil Roberts, head of the FDA investigation, following the results of tests conducted with Expotox. “This thing isn’t ok.

I tried it on my sister and her cancer only got worse. Please no one spray this in a full classroom.”

However, a second study conducted by Profitmor researchers on rats supplied

by Profitmor in Profitmor lab facilities, funded by Profitmor investments, and later reviewed and validated by Profitmor employee Rebekah Klein concluded that “Expotox consistently removed all marks from various whiteboards, and showed an 87 percent decrease in size of malignant tumors in rats.”

The Profitmor study was enough to prove the effectiveness of Expotox, allowing it to proceed to clinical trials later conducted by Profitmor.

“Although we have complete confidence in the results of our study,” said Profitmor representative Raymond Rand, in response to the FDA’s findings, “we will be careful to only guarantee the effectiveness of Expotox as either a whiteboard cleaner or a cure to cancer and not both, as we wouldn’t want to give people unrealistic expectations of the drug that could result in frustration or dissatisfaction.”

Allegations of a possible patent infringement of Expo’s Whiteboard Cleaner formula could delay the release of the drug. However Profitmor executives are doubtful that the charges will hold. The formulas of Expotox and Expo’s product are currently undergoing comparative chemical analysis in Profitmor’s laboratories in order to ensure Expotox’s uniqueness.

Area Driver Values Making His Haircut on Time More Than Human Life

BY KATHERINE WOOD

A

Graphics Editor

rea driver Justin Reynolds backed out of his driveway to drive to his haircut eight minutes ago, though the nearest MachoTrims salon was at least 20 minutes from his house with good traffic flow and while obeying all traffic laws.

Reynolds beat a personal record, managing to reverse from his garage to the surface street in a mere two seconds.

However, Reynold’s neighbor Gloria Johnson remarked that that maneuver also added another casualty to the list of decorative gnomes Reynolds has destroyed with his car, bringing it up to a total of eight since Reynolds moved in seven weeks ago.

Once on the street, Reynolds sped off in a cloud of smoke smelling of burnt rubber, blaring his horn at and then narrowly missing a senior citizen crossing the intersection.

“That shithead should thank his lucky stars that I couldn’t grab him by the ear at 70 mph,” commented pedestrian Lucille Decker. “If he had yelled at me to ‘Get out of the way!’ in person, he wouldn’t be on this Earth any longer, bless his heart.”

Reynolds had made this haircut appointment two weeks ago and knew full well what time he had scheduled it for, but refused to begin preparing to leave the house until 10 minutes before his haircut was scheduled, stating that he “had plenty of time” and “was in the middle of something important, goddamnit.” He then got out a vacuum to begin vacuuming his stairs while searching for two matching socks.

Though he voluntarily left his house a full 12 minutes

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM AND EMILY PAYNE

U

Staff Writers

C San Diego students arriving home from winter break this month were greeted with a confounding interruption to their daily commute with the absence of shuttles leaving campus on the Nobel/Arriba route.

In what has been called a logistics disaster to rival Mao’s Five Year Plan, UCSD’s Transportation Services changed the location of the shuttle’s campus stop to across the street from its former spot.

In subsequent weeks, befuddled students at a loss for a transportation solution have been forced to find places on campus to stay the night and ways to nourish themselves while cut off from their homes.

Those not fortunate enough to have the couches of friends or unwilling acquaintances to crash with have resorted to settling refugee camps across campus. This has in turn compounded the transportation issues, as students’ routes to their classes have been blocked by tents, piles of trash, and flocks of scavenging seagulls.

Jemima Yurgenson is one of a growing number of students who are determined to use this disaster as an opportunity to raise awareness of the chronic exploitation of UCSD students by the administration.

“Our struggle to get what food we can by begging passersby on Library Walk and licking the undersides of discarded wrappers is deeply symbolic of the student body’s fight to stay financially afloat in this time of drastic budget cuts and tuition hikes,” Yurgenson said. “And that starved guy dying in the gutter over there represents the demise of our dreams.”

Other students, such as fourth year philosophy major Jason Smith, don’t feel as strongly about the injustice of

their plight.

“Yeah, it’s aight,” said Smith, who has been squatting on the sidewalk for the past three weeks. “I mean, there’s a bunch of rats running around and the shit has started to pile up, but my apartment’s pretty much the same and I have to pay money for that.”

When asked if he preferred life in his off-campus apartment or the refugee camp, Smith chose the latter, citing proximity to Panda Express and “a pretty dope view of the stars, man.”

UCSD administrators have published a statement defending the route alteration, claiming that budget cut necessitates saving gas and that the new route, shorter by “nearly 100 feet,” is a step in the right direction.

However, several workaround solutions to the crisis are already being implemented, such as painting the shuttles neon pink and making the current signs indicating the new stop location twice as tall in order to make the shuttle’s existence known to more students in need. But some students take this as an insult to their intelligence.

“Of course I knew the shuttle stopped there!” one student hurriedly explained as she headed across the street, on to the shuttle, and home for the first time since last month.

“Camping out was about sending a message!”

For now, it seems that the route change is here to stay.

Analysts predict that as time goes on the refugee camps will grow large enough to overflow into the streets and surround the school, impeding shuttles and worsening the problem.

While the situation looks bleak, many students still optimistically cling to the dream of a transportation service which can finally prioritize a bit of convenience over actual, functional efficiency.

TOP TEN

Unexpected Consequences of the Lowered Oil Prices PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Rush hour traffic can be a real killer,” said Reynolds, before laughing to himself and turning on the windshield wipers. later than the latest possible time to get to his appointment in a timely manner, Reynolds continued to blame traffic, stoplight timers, other drivers’ vehicle operation skills, and “that piece of shit church field trip” for making him late.

In response to queries about his repeated running of red lights, clipping of sidewalk corners, and passing of cars by driving into lanes headed the opposite way, Reynolds asked “how the hell else was [he] supposed to make it on time?” noting that other narrowly-avoided cars and pedestrians “had it coming to them” for being slow and in the way.

Reynolds’ distinctive driving style has made an impact on the surrounding area. Nearby residents readily identified “that whirring sound in the distance” as Reynolds approached and shouted to their children to “get off the sidewalk, hurry!” stating that the vacuum created after Reynolds’ passing had been known to suck 65-pound children into the street.

Residents described such events as “typical, though no less frightening even after so many repetitions.”

When asked to comment on his typical driving patterns, Reynolds instead noted that other drivers had “the

worst” driving habits, citing their inability to “drive at the speed of traffic” instead of the legal speed limit.

“It’s really annoying to have to show these idiots the responsible and considerate way to drive,” Reynolds shrieked over the sound of wind, going 80 mph in a 20 mph zone. “But you can be sure that they’ll get out of the way next time they see me around town!” he said. However, it should be noted that to others, Reynolds’ identity is just a tan blur inside a larger red blur.

At press time, Reynolds was struggling to retain control over his car after driving over a stray banana peel.

10. All of my things are very well lubricated 9. Flaming lawn love poems coming back into style 8. It’s finally cost efficient for kids to do a BP disaster reenactment 7. More oil-themed bachelorette parties 6. Solar energy once again slowly drifts out of public consciousness 5. Proletarian uprising postponed to 2016 4. CO2 molecules in the atmosphere don’t feel as lonely 3. “Herbie: Fully Loaded” porno now a reality 2. Dad now has another argument not to replace his 30-year-old lawnmower 1. Russian economy, Prius keys are in the toilet

February 4, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 5

EDITORIAL

Happy Valentine’s Day our week ahead:

Coyote steal fox job?

Economist interview.

BY NATALIE MCLAIN

Your Biggest Fan ou. I still remember when we first met. I was the shy girl at the party, slight smiles and laughs being the most I contributed to the festivities of that night. The hour grew late, and empty bottles prompted me to be wilder and bolder. I jumped into the freezing pool along with dozens of other screaming twenty-somethings. When I emerged, dripping and sufficiently freezing, you offered me your shirt. We spent the night snuggled up together.

Fast-forward three months to today, Valentines Day. And here I am, telling you the story of how we met over a homecooked meal and a shared box of chocolates. Could things be more perfect? You smile and shake your head no.

I’m not sure I believe you though, dear. Why does your face look so tight? Is something wrong? If something is wrong, my love, you can always tell me. Are those tears?

No darling, please don’t cry.

Why are you so upset on this day that we’re supposed to be celebrating the beauty of our love? When I just want … I want you to love me, damn it!

Y Your kit in unsafe chat dens?

This fox black.

Scary bad fox?

Fox News

just

asking.

And More:

• Bear trap! In your forest?

• Skinnies: Fox teen dress like human, human sex fantasies

TOP TEN

Furry and balanced news

LGBT Resource Center To Be Replaced With Dating App

BY EVVAN BURKE

Assistant Copy Editor

U

C San Diego’s LGBT Resource Center is preparing to close its doors next week as the dating app designed to replace it finishes beta testing. The app, currently called “Centr,” was announced last quarter. University Centers called it a “necessary change,” citing funding problems.

"We were just having a lot of problems with how much funding the LGBT center was receiving," University Centers representative Jason Cox stated. "But by switching to the app, we can give most of the money to the computer science department and we feel a lot better.

“Besides, that’s all the LGBT Resource Center was good for, am I right?” Cox said.

Centr is designed to be more accessible for students who felt too intimidated to join the space earlier, as beta tester and self-identified “Str8 Acting Top” Michael Tanner agreed.

“I never felt comfortable going to the brick-andmortar center, but now I can experience my community from the comfort of my dorm room,” Tanner stated. “Hell, when I first tried the app, I got to experience my community twice in one day."

The app works similarly to another popular social networking app, Tindr, with users showing interest by swiping right on the pictures of users they’re interested in.

However, unlike Tindr, people who users choose not to meet up with will still be in their communications class every Tuesday, glaring at them.

As part of a recent press conference, app programmers assured students that the other, lesser-known functions of the community center would still be offered.

“Je suis down to fuck,” said one in-the-know beta tester.

Centr will continue the original LGBT Resource Center’s social activism using banner ads, which will alert users to different marriage equality rallies in their area and remind them of holidays, such as National Coming Out Day and LGBT History Month.

Unlike the original LGBT Resource Center, however, users will have the option to unsubscribe from notifications by paying a monthly “waiver” fee of $2.99.

Programmers, while winking at reporters, also stressed that the app would improve the quality of students’ educations, helping them to find “collaborative study spaces,” coordinate “interpersonal stress relief,” and receive “awesome head.”

Some students however, were unsatisfied with the performance of the app. Freshman and “Masc Top” Jordan Conway reported trouble meeting other students due to their “standoffish attitude” about the “no asians” qualification in his profile.

“It’s just a preference,” Conway said. “Aren’t they the real bigots for not accepting me?”

Students also complained about the university adding a mandatory “app maintenance” fee to their winter quarter fees.

“Why am I being charged for this?” said third year economics student and "breeder" beta tester Whitney Barnes. “I wasn’t originally going to download some gay

How dare you cry when you’re supposed to be loving me!

Sorry, I’m sorry. Here, allow me to adjust your pillows.

Is that better? Are these handcuffs chaffing? I can rub some lotion on your wrists if you need it. Or maybe I can restrain you in a different chair?

Please don’t pull at the chains like that, you’re going to hurt yourself, Mr. Man. Ha! You know, it’s funny. Your hands are so soft now. I remember that first night we met, they were so calloused and cracked; they felt like sundried leather running across my skin under the covers.

Good thing I’ve taken such excellent care of your skin since. You’ve fattened up a bit too, thanks to my gourmet cooking, no doubt. Really, where would you be without me? Haven’t I done such good things for you? Haven’t I made absolutely everything better? Say I’ve made you better, honey bee. Tell me I’m perfect. Tell me we’re perfect, because you know we are, Michael! YOU KNOW WE’RE PERFECT MICHAEL! Oh dear, look at me.

Shouting and flailing about during dinner. It’s just, you make me feel so alive, Michael. All those years of biting my tongue and ducking my head in public because I was never quite certain of how to interact with others. You saw past my shyness and into my soul. I gave you myself, and ever since then I’ve just wanted to live and enjoy and feel.

You make me feel, Michael.

So I’m sorry I yelled, but I just want you to know: This is your life now. This is our life.

Happy Valentine’s Day, my love. It’ll be the first of many.

Similarities Between the US Economy and Your Economics Class 10. Run by a series of incompetent white men who are afraid of technology 9. Conflicts with Intro to Logic class 8. Works best in an idealized market with no variables 7. 20 coconuts always equals 10 fish 6. Both are smaller than China’s economy 5. Your productivity determines your worth as a person 4. That one percent makes all the difference 3. Highly criticized by 20-somethings pretending to be Marxists 2. Lead to incurring massive amounts of debt 1. You just try not to think about poor people

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

app, but when I saw the fee I decided I might as well use it to find my new Gay-BFF.” UCSD’s LGBT+ population have since dedicated themselves to explaining why Barnes shouldn’t follow through with her plan.

When asked how lesbian beta testers of the app responded, programmers looked around uncomfortably and scribbled something in a notebook before promising to release that information as soon as possible. At press time, no confirmed lesbians involved with the app have made statements or are believed to exist at all.

Programmers are currently rushing to release before February 14, in an effort to make the holiday rush.

We don’t remember this part of “American Sniper”...

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

Page 6

February 4, 2015

theMQ.org

VALENTINE

Good Ending

Your date whispers their wifi password in your ear as they kiss you.

Move to end.

lonely a e ’r u ull e yo bar f le Realiz o wh ne in a ove o sub M . ubs . of s back step

Person you’re talking to launches out into a conversation ab of how media interpretation retched/ Bill Cosby events is st unfair. Slowly inch back two spaces.

4. Do not look me in the eyes.

5. The first player to reach the Good Ending wins!

1-2: They p

3-4: They j

You’re an 5-6: They’re u

head you’ve

he on t e y e s ow a bull en n m Get o w ely oard, trem x e dartb e u. you’r o yo t k think oc the and fl e il t oss r r c fe a d d move rceive e p Get r u y. by yo e g id r fertilit b in se increa

t. e l a e w ot p r e re you e s ce. th n o on fide k t c d in n Pa s war rco m e r do fo ov n co ove our M ry fo a

r xt

1. The player who hasn’t had sex in the longest time goes first. Hand stuff does count, though. From there, the game goes clockwise around the table. Ties are broken by who has cried most recently.

3. Despite what in-game instructions may suggest, there is absolutely no removal of clothing during gameplay (not applicable if playing game by yourself and in a location not easily seen).

at this squ You must stop

Your date drops

You remembered to bring your extra large purse for bar peanuts a. and packets of Splend ace Move forward one sp for practicality.

Start Here!

2. Roll a single die and advance the number of squares indicated. If you land on a tile with text, follow the instructions it gives.

S!

AD

O SR

OS

CR

te a a d r You hr in t e com r thei o s e u wak c pa a s

Spend 15 minutes

deciding how much of your body you should shave. Lose your turn.

theMQ.org

LOVE

Tread carefully, though. The geography of the heart is notoriously tricky terrain.

to ou y s k ask he bac t ’t gh rou don s t n rd pare forwa . ove cks M o . s up r you n i ce

le aro p d t Fin er a c e offi Mov . or do ack . b ace p e s on

ll the die: to their knee, ro

the chute propose. Go down to the beginning. their shoe. just wanted to tie right path. asshole, take the this is the best undoing your belt, meone’s porch. e ever had on so th.

Take the left pa

rolled. of what you have uare, regardless

s, for a kis You go in for a they go in ose two high-five. L a turn. teeth and

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ably buzzed rt fo m o c t e G getting too and end up ke one turn wasted. Ta sses of and two gla ool off. water to c

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ly

ri

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Getting Ready in Your Room

e.

’s e the c o J heese aisle at Trader

Bad Ending

Your date confuses 9/11 for 7-11.

Back a s pace for each towe r.

Never for get.

;)

Pick y our da te up an Ub in er and acciden becom tally e third wheel.

Move back to st art.

Pick a game piece!

A time to be with, and show your love, for family and friends. You, however, are unlucky enough to have landed in the country which uses February 14 as an opportunity to remind single people that they are not on the correct path in life: Valentine’s Day. We’ve captured all the fun of socially-induced loneliness and insecurity into a fun board game that is great for all ages! Navigate your way through the high seas of forced romantic encounters and through thrilling chutes and ladders of rejection and unexpected victory.

IT’S THE HOLIDAY celebrated around the world as the day of love and appreciation.

TO

LONELY ROAD

THE

E’S DAY

Page 7

February 4, 2015

Page 8

theMQ.org

EDITORIAL

Stop Calling Police “Pigs”

BY WILBUR Local Pig

H

uman reader, please stop misusing the word “pig.”

For too long your kind have been lazily offending porcine Americans.

To begin my appeal, I must first introduce myself. I’m one of the lucky ones. Many pigs like me never make it to 17, and don’t have a wise, maternal spider to teach them how to read. They are doomed to a short, illiterate life before being hoisted up by their hind legs and slaughtered, while a few token pigs, like Mrs. Piggy and myself, are lauded as signs of progress for pigkind. But I’m going to assume you don’t care about the treatment of farm animals, unless you’re a vegan. The issue I want to address is still more disturbing.

Porcine Americans have often borne the stigma of human political issues. Practically every American knows us by our disparaging caricatures in Orwell’s “Animal Farm.” As crazy as it may sound, this nasty book was not about farm animals at all, but is rather an allegory for the suffering humans inflict on each other under capitalism and communism.

But my point should be obvious by now. Pigs are often negatively portrayed in metaphors you humans use, such as “putting lipstick on a pig” or that you’re “happier

than a pig in shit.” You say we’re gluttonous, lazy creatures who wallow in filth. And you use “pig” as a derogatory term for a corrupt human in a uniform? This blatant misuse of our species’ name must not stand. We pigs may wallow in filth, but your human cops wallow in blood.

Name the last time a pig looked into the eyes of a grieving mother pig, having killed one of her litter, and expressed no remorse; only a desire to cover their own ass. Do pigs use chemical weapons banned by the Geneva Conventions against their fellow hogs? Do pigs systematically incarcerate each other and then let them die in a squalid cell from an easily preventable asthma attack?

Have pigs ever committed these heinous crimes for no reason but the fact that their fellow pig looked magenta, instead of the preferable cherry blossom pink?

The root cause of the current uprisings you have on your oh-so-precious thumbed hands is that humans are murdering other humans, just as they have for centuries. So don’t try to dehumanize the homicidal, racist, pale primates produced by your supposedly civilized society by calling them some other animal’s name. These monsters are human. Own it.

Though I’ve attempted to reason with your arrogant species, I can’t stop you from misusing the term “pig.” And if you want to impose your ridiculous beauty standards on us with your expression of “putting lipstick on a pig,” I suppose I can’t stop you from that either. But allow me to propose a new expression for you to use: “You can put a body camera on a racist human, but it’ll be as useful in court as putting lipstick on a racist human.” Try silencing those lambs, humans.

TOP TEN

Things You Learned Having Your Legs Broken in the Back of a Casino 10. The house always wins 9. Ohhhhhhh, the sign said “Loose SLOTS.” 8. You really should watch out while running down the stairs 7. If you live like a rat, apparently you die like a rat 6. Your mom was serious when she said she wouldn’t lend you another $40,000 5. You shouldn’t have walked in there with your a cappella group “Ocean’s Fourteen” 4. You’re not as good at keeping secrets as you thought 3. How to lose 20 pounds fast 2. The casino owner is not, and never has been, a little bitch 1. These leggings may wick away moisture, but they definitely don’t wick away cartilage

February 4, 2015

Teen Leaves Room in Search of Food, Traces of Humanity

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“Choo choo! Here comes the train,” Tilden said softly, while shoveling gravel into his mouth.

BY BIANCA TZORI

H

Staff Writer

igh school junior and proud owner of the Logitech G502 Proteus Core gaming mouse Brad Tilden recused himself from the lifeless collection of decadeold youth-soccer trophies that is his room this week, following his latest ninehour DOTA marathon.

Tilden recalled in later interviews that he was not dazed or unnerved at all by the sight of unending rubble extending in every direction once he exited his room, nor the fact that it was complemented by the clearest, quietest sky this world has seen in centuries.

“It was just the fridge used to be there and I had two Hot Pockets left,” Tilden remarked.

Finding no food where his house used to be, Tilden turned his back to his room, verifiably the only such structure left on Earth and seem-

ingly aware of its soul-crushing solitude.

“I decided to go to the library where my mom works.

She always gives me lunch money if I stop by,” said Tilden, who had not yet digested the unbearable idea that his mother no longer worked at the library. That, in fact, no one worked at the library anymore, as the library and, perhaps too, the concept of a library, had been erased from the cold planet altogether.

“The library’s on a hill so usually I go on the roof, look out to the city, and decide where to eat,” explained Tilden, the oldest and youngest man alive. “But I couldn’t today. Someone replaced the Jack in the Box, Applebee’s, and Dairy Queen with piles of rocks. It’s probably some dumb city project.”

His feet stood over the lives of hundreds of millions of people. Biographies, instructional guides, philosophical essays, fictions, unfathomable amounts of

stories and ideas all set to decompose into that from which it came: to be forgotten by the universe at large.

At sunset, Tilden collected himself at the remnants of his girlfriend’s house, identifiable only by the shredded limbs of the teddy bear he bought her last Valentine’s Day peeking through fallen walls and broken photo frames.

“I found some Progresso Traditional Minestrone so I ate that for dinner, but man do these guys keep a sparse pantry,” Tilden complained.

“I mean get a Costco card or something. Geez.

“For some reason none of the streetlights worked, and it was weird. Like, something was missing. It was almost as if in a single moment while I sat at my computer, all humanity was destroyed.”

Air and soil analysis confirmed that what Tilden was experiencing was indeed the complete removal of human influence from the planet Earth. What he was feeling

was true and absolute silence, not that of 2 a.m. stoplights and the measurable silence of constantly flowing radio waves.

“When I realized all I could hear was the wind and my thoughts — I think that’s when it hit me that I was alone. And not in that way I used to complain to my online friends. I mean truly alone.”

“If there was any chance for me to survive long enough to make a meaningful record of mankind, it would be in the west,” claimed Tilden, heading west after waking up some time after dawn. “Plus I know where the Steam headquarters are. I bet I can score some free games.”

He walked out under an incredible field of stars, one no human has seen before and none shall see again, not taking interest in this reporter who had been following him faithfully for three days, seeking to try her hand at repopulating the human race.

Proposed Changes to Muir Field OFFICE OF THE ASSISTANT VICE CHANCELLOR FACILITIES DESIGN & CONSTRUCTION. SUBJECT: CONSTRUCTION ALERT - 4715 MUIR FIELD IMPROVEMENTS. YOU VOTED FOR WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE ON THE NEW FIELD, WE VETOED ALL YOUR IDEAS AND CAME UP WITH OUR OWN. HERE THEY ARE: Starbucks Coffee Shop “Coming Soon!” with no evidence of ever actually opening.

Artificial turf - Just like John Muir intended.

Security check point Security guards will empty all your bottles and make sure you have a wristband.

A literal bear garden Both live bears and various topiaries for nature enthusiasts of all kinds.

Most of the grass replaced with “A” parking spots.

No longer allowed to use the sharp scissors.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

Slip ‘N Slide - The university decided this would enable students to get to class in a fast, unique, and fun manner. Nevermind that there are no lecture halls nearby.

Designated crying area - for new, overwhelmed freshman and people who live in Revelle.

A tollbooth you have to walk through to cross the field To fund the changes and Chancellor Khosla’s toaster collection.

February 4, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 9

Yuman Artifact Discovered, Possibly Depicts Feeding

Solid Rock Veteran Hospitalized Due to Crippling Injuries, Overconfidence

BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL AND KATHERINE WOOD Staff Member and Graphics Editor

A

n archaeological research team from the Jupiter Public University announced the recovery of a new piece of evidence from the Yuman civilization on The Third Sphere at a press conference last week. Like the majority of the few Yuman artifacts archaeologists have been able to recover, the new piece is classified as visual media.

Yumans, the once-prevailing species on The Third Sphere, were known to have lived in white structures with a smooth, glowing interior where they usually interacted with other Yumans. They usually wore black garments while using machines on elevated surfaces or cooperating with other black-clad Yumans, though in a few pictures they can be seen participating in different activities against the same white, luminescent background.

This newest piece of evidence is yet another image of Yuman civilization. Unfortunately, the image is marked with opaque lines and the omnipresent inscription of “Shutterstock,” which obstructs a significant piece of the photo. Most of the visual media found so far is authored by either the persons Getty Images or Shutterstock, though historians debate that there may have been groups of people using each name collectively.

In the image, two Yumans of different sexes are prone on a never-before-seen wrinkled white surface, presumably inside one of their white glowing structures from the lighting. They are both in tight white garments that expose

PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN

“#risingtothechallenge #somebodycatchme #fallingintoyourheart #nofilter #naturallight #notmychristian #cantgoupwithoutgoingdown #blessed #instagood #ootd #norope #nature #somajestic #peacelovesun #gravitygreaterthanboyz #pressedjuicecleanse #freefalling #fallingforyou,” she posted in Instagram.

BY BRANDON EHLERT

A PHOTO BY SHUTTERSTOCK AND KATHERINE WOOD

Based on contemporary sources, it is likely that the Yuman male has finished his feeding, while the female Yuman remains frustrated and bored. much of their fleshy exteriors, and the male Yuman is smothering the female Yuman by covering their mouth hole with its own.

Experts think this might be an important biological process, possibly related to the feeding process. Previous images have depicted recently matured female Yumans consuming plant matter through the same mouth hole in a feeding activity that often necessitates a small, spiked tool. Similar images show the Yuman with the same plate of plant matter, tossing their head back with a gap-

ing mouth hole and squinted eyes, probably about to pass the indigestible waste from the food they ingested. All collected images that show feeding include recently matured female Yumans, suggesting that only mature, yet youthful females in good health can digest food.

The large role that the mouth hole plays in the feeding process suggests that the use of it in the new image may have a nourishment purpose for the male. Experts hypothesize that the male may be attempting to extract nutrients or digested plant

matter from the female.

This does not account for the change in garments, the horizontal orientation, or the rose petals and tiny fires, but some say that it may simply be part of a more complex nourishment ritual.

The university archaeological team hopes to uncover more evidence showing more uses of the wrinkled horizontal surface, or similar mouth-bonding postures.

To follow the archaeologists’ progress and for more Yuman images, this article directs you to 123rf.com, a database of all Yuman relics.

Local Shoppers Begin Training for This Year’s Black Friday Shopping

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“I’m telling you for the last time, Sandra, the return policy on this mission is to come back with a PS4 or don’t come back at all,” Christmas told one of her team members.

BY LUKE TRIBBLE

Staff Writer group of local shoppers, consisting mostly of middle-aged soccer moms, has gathered across various major outlets in the local La Jolla area to begin preparing for 2015’s Black Friday.

Although 2015 is finally here and the holiday craziness has subsided, that is not stopping this group from preparing for this year’s Black Friday.

These local shoppers selfidentify as a group called “B.F.F.,” short for “Black Friday Fanatics.” B.F.F. is a coalition of shoppers dedicated to preparing people with the skills necessary to survive and succeed in a typical Black Friday event. This cause was founded by Mary Christmas, a La Jolla resident who created B.F.F. based off of her failed experiences with Black Friday 2013.

“The trampling, the yell-

A

Distribution Captain woman was sent to Yosemite General Hospital last Monday after suffering serious injuries in a rock climbing accident. The Yosemite Police Department reports that Natalie Rosa, 24, had been climbing Half Dome with a close friend when she fell nearly 30 feet to the ground.

Rosa reportedly had the idea to climb the renowned Half Dome cliff in Yosemite National Park after growing bored of her local gym’s offerings.

“Natalie was pretty set on upping the ante for our trainings, and she constantly said how she hates Solid Rock [gym] now because it’s lame and she already knows how to climb all the walls,” said Linda Daniels, Rosa’s climbing partner who was there during the accident. “Natalie is a pretty good climber and all, but she seemed insistent that scaling a 5,000 foot cliff would be a cakewalk compared to Solid Rock’s ‘Wall of Terror,’ which rises 50 feet and is steep.”

The two arrived at Half Dome mid-morning to set-up equipment, which included unraveling rappelling rope, planning the path they would take up the cliff, and rummaging through their wallets to find the promotional stamp passport that earns patrons a free coffee after ten visits.

“I think Natalie was under the impression that Half Dome is actually a franchise of Solid Rock Gym, which I tried, unsuccessfully, to correct,” said Daniels. “I knew something was off when she told me she was excited to ring the bell at the top because the thousandth bell ring earns you a whole year of climbing for free.”

Shortly into the climb, Rosa’s grip slipped and she fell to the valley floor. Rosa insists that a tarantula bit her, and that is what caused the fall, although Daniels explains that “[Natalie] is constantly making excuses,” and that her fall

ing, the crazed campers outside the stores, it can be a terrifying experience for newcomers,” Christmas exclaimed. “I remember being so devastated when I was not able to get that PS4 my son Jimmy wanted. I wanted to make sure other people never had to experience the loss and adversity I faced that day, so that is why I founded B.F.F.” B.F.F. has grown to over 1,000 people strong since its inception, and it continues to grow to this day.

“Although we have a rigorous training program, we are always looking for new recruits,” Christmas said.

“We are offering training sessions between January first and November 26!”

B.F.F.’s training program consists of a variety of handson activities to both physically and mentally prepare its members for Black Friday. Participants must endure a grueling

series of training regiments.

Trainees must camp out for several days outside local outlets with limited resources, as well as undergo weeks of strict physical conditioning.

B.F.F.’s training also includes mandatory attendance to mock Black Friday simulations. These simulations are very dangerous, as all participants are armed with live ammunition and must fight to the death with other participants to claim various gifts scattered throughout replicas of popular Black Friday stores.

“It is an effective way of weeding out the weaker recruits,” said Christmas proudly. “We usually boobytrap the aisles with flamethrowers, trapdoors, and feral dogs to keep things interesting as well.” The exact location of B.F.F.’s training facility is unknown. Christmas declined to comment on this matter.

“All applicants to B.F.F. are required to sign a waiver before joining, and we take feedback from the community and the safety of our participants very seriously,” Christmas said, addressing criticisms of the organization.

“In fact, trainee casualties are down 20 percent from last year based off of adjustments we have made within our program. In addition, we only lost 10 B.F.F. members due to injuries during 2014’s Black Friday, which was under our projected losses for that year.”

Whether viewed as heroes or savages, B.F.F. shows no sign of slowing down and looks forward to a successful Black Friday 2015.

“I am so proud of everything B.F.F. has become, and I hope it continues to have a positive influence on the community,” said Christmas.

“I still want that damn PS4 though.”

was caused by a lack of ability.

Once in a stable condition, Rosa was able to explain to the doctors what had occurred.

“For starters, the staff was incredibly unhelpful at this location,” said Rosa. “It felt like an eternity before anyone, excluding Linda, even noticed I had fallen! I will write a scathing review on Yelp, and I’ll see to it that this location goes under for it!

“Secondly, the conditions for climbing were horrendous, which I should have recognized as a danger and taken into consideration, being the experienced rock climber that I am,” continued Rosa. “The air temperature was set very high for one thing, so I don’t know if the air conditioning was out…I don’t know. But the most important factor that I failed to consider was that the multi-colored hand and footholds were almost entirely absent. What kind of rock doesn’t have hand and foot holds already built in?!”

When asked about the tarantula, Rosa said, “Wait, there was a tarantula?”

“Oh yeah, that was insane!”

Rosa said seconds later, raising her hand. “Look at my crazy bite marks!” Daniels later told reporters that the marks on her hand are just a birthmark.

In total, Rosa suffered a broken wrist, some hemorrhaging on her knees, a broken finger, and a massive contusion to her ego.

“She should make a full and swift recovery,” her attending doctor explained. “Let this be a lesson to anyone that just because you perform an activity for exercise doesn’t mean you can go climb one of the world’s natural wonders.”

At press time, Rosa was explaining that she is excited to go surf the Mavericks in Santa Cruz because “[she] is getting really sick of riding the freaking wave machine ride at Wild Rivers.”

TOP TEN

Old-Timey Slogans for Condoms 10. Adam’s Condoms: Now with one less rib 9. Now 80 percent effective!

8. Aunt Jemima’s best 7. Fill ’er up and throw ’er out 6. Hard times are ahead; make sure you’re harder 5. Colonial Condoms: Now with new, exciting flavors like freshly churned butter and hard tack 4. Carpe dickem 3. Dames, I’ve got your feminism right here 2. Paul Revere’s number one way to stop the British from coming 1. Ramses III Condoms will not let thy people go

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February 4, 2015

Jack Comes Out of the Box as First Openly Gay Mascot

POINT

My Cruise to the Baltic Was Incredible!

BY KATHY LONG

Well-Traveled Grandmother

H

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“I really don’t care about your sexual orientation, Jack,” said one of the busboys. “Just wipe that damn shake off the counter and get a cup.” ing the circulation of rumors towards widespread accept- campaigns, describes her disBY TREVOR MALONE Social Chair

I

n a press release last Monday, popular fast food franchise Jack in the Box announced that their mascot Jack would be the first openly gay mascot. Leonard Comma, CEO of the San Diego-based company, calls the move “a new frontier for our business.”

“We want our brand to show acceptance for all types of people to enjoy delicious food without judgment,” Comma said. “We hope other brands in our position take a stand to support their loyal patrons, no matter their sexual orientation, race or other factors. At Jack in The Box we focus on you, the customer and love you for who you are for loving us.”

The announcement comes at an opportune time for the fast food chain, follow-

surrounding Jack allegedly propositioning the Hamburglar for sex inside an airport restroom, along with increasing speculation surrounding a possible relationship between Jack and the anthropomorphized Carl’s Jr. star.

Jack released a statement explaining his reasons for finally coming out as “try our new spicy chicken… oh yeah I mean being ridiculed for allegedly making out with Jared from Subway at last year’s Fast Food convention made me think ‘Why not let the world know who I truly am?’ I want others to be comfortable to express their sexualities while enjoying judgment free food.”

This move by the fast food chain has come with mixed reviews across the country, with LGBTQIA+ community representatives heralding the announcement as a new step

ance of the community, especially in popular media. This support of “coming out of the box” has manifested itself into numerous social media campaigns such as “I Love Jack for Being Jack” and a photo of the mascot’s signature bulbous head being draped with the rainbow flag while riding a dinosaur whose face has been replaced with drag queen and LGBTQIA+ activist RuPaul.

On the other side of the public's reactions towards the announcement, various conservative Christian media outlets have denounced the chain with protests to “Give us our burgers with a side of ketchup, not politics,” along with “Put meat in my mouth but not gay meat just regular American processed meat product.”

Cynthia Rogers, a "Nebraska youth minister" who started many of the anti-Jack

dain for the announcement.

“I should be able to shovel jalapeno poppers and twofor-a-dollar tacos made of meat from who knows where into mine and my kids’ gullets without fear of a gay mascot corrupting their minds to ‘be who they want to be’ and ‘love themselves regardless of what others think.’ That is what I am angry about.”

Other fast food chains, most notably fried chicken vendor Chick-Fil-A, have spoken out against the announcement as “interfering with [their] repressive political agenda behind our always passable food.”

Against mixed public opinion the chain saw a five percent increase in sales since the announcement, prompting a likely announcement, insider sources claim, of a gender neutral Burger Ruler.

Inspired Freshman Knows Winter Quarter Will Be “Totally Different, More Productive Than Fall”

ey guys! You probably have all been wondering where I have been for the past two splendid weeks. Well, I took the most amazing cruise, circumnavigating the Baltic Sea and exploring the variety of fjords, coastal villages, and sprawling countrysides that line the coast. Let’s go deeper!

The whole idea grew out of a usual Sunday trip to Costco. Daniel was in the Lysol aisle, right by the Vitamix demo table, when the logo on one of the Libman floor dusters reminded him of an age-worn picture of his great-grandfather in Estonia.

As I was sampling a turkeylemongrass potsticker, he ran up to me and told me that we would be taking a cruise to the Baltic Sea to recreate the very picture that had inspired him so! This happened midFebruary, so we booked the cruise for March.

Nothing says vacation quite like a pertly-dressed manservant walking the hallways and banging on a gong to alert us that our 6 p.m. ban-

quet-style dinner would soon begin! They even told us that we had no other choice but to dress for a funeral, which was a new, but altogether wholesome experience. For a more relaxed meal, a trip to the Lido deck afforded row after row of delicious, hours-ago-cooked delicacies, our favorite being the New York steaks with little flags popping out of them that read, “Eat me now! I’m medium!” Combined with our gracious one-by-one porthole, the cruise itself was noteworthy. But the destinations were world-class, and that’s the most critical aspect of any trip.

I’m so grateful for everyone who liked my photos on Facebook, Barb and Sue especially! Much love, all!

COUNTERPOINT

Grandma, You’re Not Fooling Anyone

BY JAKE BARR

Spiteful Grandson

O

h, Grandma … why do you always feel the need to deceive and manipulate?

Where do I begin? One of the areas in which you slipped up, straight off the bat, was inferring that you and Grandpapa were actually getting along. It’s no secret that what started as a fairytale love has been deteriorating since the Korean War, when he got “lonely” while deployed. So the fact that you actually claim to have had a fun time with him for an entire twoweek span raised some red flags for everyone. But that’s only speculation, isn’t it? And I’m not going to build an entire argument around an assumption, so that’s why I did some digging. And the evidence is shocking.

I’ll start with the Tweet you sent on March 2nd: “This week is gonna be insane y’all!! #barbarawalters #oneweek #countdown.” Oh yeah, Granny. That TOTALLY sounds like you are gearing up for a cruise to the Baltic. But that’s not all.

What about the Instagram photo you posted at noon the next day? It depicts you and

Barb at the Starbucks on 6th and Orange, and the caption reads, “Matching Mochas before our big week! Can’t wait to get crunk with my bestie and let it all loose. #crying #blessed #nowhip.” What the hell, Grandma?

And then I found the receipts three days ago. There’s one from Seoul Garden Korean Wazoo, Polly’s Pies, Chucka-Rama Buffet, Cracker Barrel Country Cookin’, and the list goes on, and on, and on. And the most shocking thing: All these receipts came from the same area. I do not think this is a coincidence, Kathy.

The writing’s on the wall: You went buffet-hopping with Barbara Walters in Barstow.

Just admit it! Your days of running from the truth are over, G!

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Like Buddha on his path to enlightenment, or a weary pilgrim on the road to the Holy Land, I rest here to find some modicum of peace, knowing that the destination is the acquisition of unencumbered truth and my realization of the self,” gasped Larson in exhaustion, only yards away from the library door.

BY ROHIT GODBOLE AND JULIA LI

A

Staff Writers

s UCSD transitions into another quarter, firstyear Brian Larson is determined to break the norm.

Unlike any of the other 4,000 students in his class, he has reportedly refused to give up the mindset that this new quarter will be his most productive quarter yet.

“Last quarter, I was way too naiive. I was careless. I was lazy. I know I could’ve done better if I was really trying,” mused Larson, leaning forward and contemplating his academic career as he strikes a pose reminiscent of Rodin’s “The Thinker.”

“I wish I had known everything then that I do now. But last quarter was last quarter, and I’m totally over it.”

Along with his newfound motivation, he has promised to make a few changes in his lifestyle. “A mistake I made last quarter was slacking off too much. The library just seemed so far away, especially because I live all the way out in Warren. But now I’m determined to go there at least three times a day in between classes, once it starts warming up. This weather is killing me, man.”

As for office hours, he is not entirely sure when or where they are, but will “definitely start going” once he figures it out.

“I don’t really see a huge difference between lastquarter-Brian and this-quarter-Brian,” expressed his suitemate, who refused to be named. “He’s been talking about ‘changing himself’ since he got here.”

Among his many new routines, Larson claims his most significant one to be the one that is often overlooked by his fellow peers. “I believe the reason why this quarter will be my time to shine is my positive attitude. All I do is use mantras like ‘stop being lazy, that’s just crazy’ or like ‘this is not vacation, no procrastination.’”

He explains, “I’m pretty sure if I tell myself that every hour of every day, I’ll start being super productive and stuff. It’s funny because it really is that easy. Lately I’ve been a little sick but I’ll definitely start when I get back on my feet.”

Like many visionaries in their own time, Brian’s advances in the field of academic productivity have gone largely unnoticed.

When Professor Joan Cowel

was inquired about Larson’s significant improvements she responded with an emphatic “who?”

“You’d think being overlooked to this degree would make me consider giving up,” Brian continued. “But my strongest trait is my refusal to quit, which has absolutely nothing to do with the price of tuition.”

“I’m not too worried about that,” he claimed when asked about recognition. “Hard work takes time to get noticed, and for now I’m like the world’s best-kept secret.”

At press time Larson was sporting a zero out of twenty in his Math 20D section explaining that, “it’s all the way over on the sixth floor of APM and that’s just so far away. Really the five percent in participation isn’t worth it.”

Lesser-Known Changes to Sun God 10. Story Time with Khosla 9. Renamed to Sun Demigod due to cuts 8. Official plan is to be the best Sun God ever for first-year students 7. Student bracelets replaced with GPS anklets 6. There will be a mandatory hot dog bun eating contest 5. Students encouraged to drink so much they don’t have the energy to get to the festival 4. To enjoy the music, you must stand in the “18th Amendment Zone” 3. Professors mandated to give 8 a.m. midterms the next morning 2. Addition of AS-sponsored ball pit 1. Rescheduled to January 31, 2015

February 4, 2015

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Study Finds Correlation Between Correlation, Causation

Cubans Await New Studebaker Models as Sanctions Lifted

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Who are they trying to fool? This is clearly just the trunk of a Studebaker on a Prius,” said one Havana resident.

BY ROBERT POND Staff Writer

W PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“But if every action I take is done simultaneously by an infinite number of people below me and an infinite number of people above me, am I just an insignificant ant caught in the middle? Professor, hand me that revolver,” the grad student muttered.

BY LAWRENCE LEE

Graphics Editor new study released from Stanford’s Department of Statistics revealed that there exists a correlation between correlation and causation in regards to statistical analysis.

“These results are truly groundbreaking in statistical and real world applications,” remarked lead researcher Bale Corve. “They allow us, as statisticians, to really close the gap between random guessing and jumping to conclusions, because correlating correlation and causation is a significant step in relating the two.”

“Don’t get me wrong — I use ‘significant’ to mean important or of high value,” continued Corve. “Definitely not statistically significant.

What would our confidence level even be? 100 percent?”

A

Corve and his team of graduate students and fellow researchers have been gathering data for the study for the past fifteen years in an expansive range of fields: economics, politics, geography, theology, legal, and criminology, among many others.

“These connections exist everywhere in our daily lives, hiding right beneath our noses," explained Corve. “In every kind of modern phenomenon, there is evidence that correlation is correlated to causation.

“There has always been a strong correlation between males aged fifteen to sixty-five who claim to enjoy the public sale and consumption of illicit drugs and an extensive arrest record. Every boy and his mother has read 'Social Criminology for Dummies: Origins, Development, Appli-

cations,' and any statistician can collect the data for such a study and prove causation.

But until now, nobody had a generalized, abstract method for correlating correlation and causation; we had to individually perform each study.”

Delaney Rigerson, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, is among many researchers around the world excited for the implications of the study in her own line of research.

“You don’t know how many studies I’ve conducted only to be snubbed by the department board for doing exactly what is shown here: correlating correlation and causation," said Rigerson, "Before, I could put in years of effort into a study and the correlation of the results wouldn’t be ‘good enough’ to publish, but now

it’s like my gut instinct about correlation leading to causation is correct.”

Despite his study’s impact in the statistical world, Corve remains cautious about applying the results to future studies.

“If you think about it, that’s not much different than having correlation not correlated to causation at all, because correlation is just a factor of itself — the equivalent of statistically jerking yourself off,” he noted.

“In layman’s terms, correlation is not causation; because correlation only correlates to causation, the cause of the correlation of correlation to causation is that correlation is correlated to causation, so the core concepts connecting correlation and causation keep constant — correlation does not cause causation.”

UCSD WELCOMES DIVERSE ART TO CAMPUS

BRIEFIOUSLY ON NCIS...

1D DRAMA AS LOUIS GETS ASSIGNED FEBRUARY ON PROMO CALENDAR

INSTAGRAM CRASHES, CAUSES DISAPPEARANCE OF LOCAL MAN

KATY PERRY HATER DISAPPOINTED HALFTIME SHOW WAS NOT MORE DISAPPOINTING

The official One Direction calendar sparked controversy last month when it hit the shelves across the country. Boy band member Louis Tomlinson reportedly threw a fit upon finding out that he was chosen to represent the month of February.

"Why do they always give me the shittiest parts?" Tomlinson complained on Twitter. "Not only do I get the worst solos and the crappiest harmonies, but they also give me the shortest month? It's not fair!"

Tomlinson continued ranting on social media, calling out the American Calendar Co. for their apparent bias.

"Harry, Liam, Zayn, and Niall all got 31-day months, and there's still October and December left. Why couldn't I get one of those?”

“The whiny bastard just keeps finding things to get upset over,” said Tomlinson’s manager. “One week it’s why Liam gets more fan mail than he does, the next week it’s the calendar.”

At press time Tomlinson could be heard in his dressing room yelling at his manager for not having gotten to ride shotgun in the band’s tour bus.

“Zayn always sits shotgun and then I’m stuck bitch seat in between Niall and Harry.

And Harry’s one of those guys who sits with his legs spread.”

Instagram has been down for over a week, causing frustrated users to turn to their other social media platform profiles for self-expression.

Unfortunately, the crash has resulted in the disappearance of a local man, Shaun Herst.

Herst was reported missing by his family a day ago, but has ostensibly been gone for up to three days.

“I’ve always been a little uncertain about his existence after he moved out,” said his mother via Facebook message. “When I no longer saw him every day, I had to learn to trust that he was alive while praying for just one more new Instagram photo from him; one more sign of life.” She explained that after one day, she “knew” something was wrong, but waited another day to report it “just in case.”

Hersh? Herts? was historically ridiculed by friends for not using social media, aside from Instagram. Experts postulate that this “really bit him in the ass,” as he was without an auxiliary social media platform to assert his existence on after Instagram’s crash.

Though... Hearse … the missing person is hoped to return when Instagram recovers site function, experts say the missing persons search will be increasingly stymied by the struggle to remember identifying details about the person, as their memory slips further from the grasps of collective consciousness.

Area man Charles Perry, with no known relation to Katy Perry, found himself mildly disappointed that Sunday’s halftime show was not the train wreck that he had hoped it would be.

Citing earlier expectations of any number of performance disasters, including wardrobe malfunctions, lip syncing accusations, or technological mishaps, Perry reported that the show went mildly alright.

“When I saw the giant foam animals dancing on stage, I thought I had hit a gold mine. But they were actually kind of funny, and I guess I kind of appreciate her sense of humor, even if her outfits were tacky,” Perry recounted, half-heartedly.

“You know artists usually have pitch problems with microphones in such a large stadium, but she did a really great job,” Perry continued miserably.

The show included notable artists, such as Missy Elliot and Lenny Kravitz, as well as numerous “colorful” costume changes and not a single fall or accidental expletive. The show has already been described as the Super Bowl Show of 2015.

“I mean, I’m still going to make fun of her," said Perry.

“I’m currently working on a GIF where I’m comparing her costumes to Sesame Street characters, and Missy Elliot totally stole the show, but it’s not going to be as easy to ruin her career over the internet as I thought.”

A new piece of art is adding color to the UC San Diego campus in the form of a life-sized statue of Sojourner Truth, which was unveiled before an expectant and diverse crowd. Manuelita Brown, the artist, is also the creator of the Triton statue and the bust of Thurgood Marshall in the college that shares his name, all of which represent Black people. Also, her last name is Brown.

“This statue is an important contribution toward a more diverse and inclusive campus environment,” said Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. “Marshall College is also the perfect place for her, because it’s based on social justice, while the other colleges… actually, I’d better wrap up, I have an important meeting.”

Vice Chancellor Gary Matthews humbly thanked students for the initial push to increase representation of black people on campus.

“UCSD is constantly becoming more inclusive and diverse. Just look at the Sun God statue: it’s a veritable rainbow of different colors and cultures!” said the recently hired Vice Chancellor of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Becky Petitt.

Truth isn’t the only new art piece of color on campus. On February 11, the Black Legacy Mural, which contains paintings of over 50 other famous Black people will be dedicated. Petitt is hopeful there will soon be just as many Black art pieces as there are Black students.

ith the opening of relations between the United States and Cuba, many Cubans are looking forward to, for the first time in over 50 years, being able to purchase new car models from American brands such as Ford, Chevrolet, Studebaker-Packard, and Chrysler.

Impromptu celebrations erupted throughout the country, with parades of Cuban gearheads anticipating newer, better models of their favorite automobile brands parading through the streets and excitedly using 1950s magazine ads from their favorite companies as confetti.

All throughout Havana, citizens are anxious waiting for the first shipment of brand new, American-made Studebakers. Known for their strong craftsmanship and sleek aesthetics, the Studebaker is a favorite of many motorists in Havana and throughout the island nation.

Juan-Carlos Dominguez of Havana has been driving his 1957 Studebaker Golden Hawk for 30 years and was thrilled by the news that, with the lifting of the 52-yearlong embargo, American cars could once again be flowing into the island nation.

“I want to see what they have done with the Hawk series,” Dominguez said. “Maybe they'll have air conditioning in the new models, like they do on the Packards.

“I hope they don't charge too much more for FM radio, though.”

Controlling nearly 25 percent of the automobile market, the Studebaker-Packard Corporation is the third largest auto company in Cuba.

Studebaker trucks in particular are highly sought after by rural workers for their sturdiness and reliability.

“They make good, reliable trucks, so I'm staying loyal to the Studebaker brand. They just make good cars,” said farmer Marcos Lopez, whose Scotsman has been passed down in his farming family for three generations.

According to a study by the University of Havana, nearly 55 percent of Cubans polled said they would strongly consider a Studebaker as their next car. The same poll found that 33 percent of Cubans believed seatbelts should be standard in all new models.

“They'll probably end up costing upwards of $2,500 American dollars. Hopefully they haven't raised the prices too much,” auto dealer Julio Chavez said, speculating on prices. “Whatever the price, I'll make sure the cars I sell are only the best.”

According to Chavez, many citizens have already inquired about prices, having saved up for decades in anticipation of new models from America.

As of press time, representatives from the StudebakerPackard Corporation were not available for comment.

TOP TEN

Reasons You Should Have Watched the Puppy Bowl Instead of the Super Bowl 10. The concussions are way more adorable 9. Puppies understand the rules about as well as you do 8. Puppy mills still behave more ethically than the NFL 7. You missed the chance to see puppy-Janet Jackson’s nipple 6. More players peeing on the goal post 5. Less underlying racism in way commentators describe players 4. Puppy-Matthew McConaughey trying to sell you a Lincoln 3. The coach looks much more sad and dejected after you pour Gatorade on them 2. Players give more valuable, coherent info in press conferences after game 1. Celebrity appearances by Air Bud, Bark Ruffalo, and Paw Thomas Anderson

facebook.com/ucsdmq Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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PRESIDENTS DAY

February 16 is Uncle Sammy's Pub’s annual Presidents Day Trivia Night! Are you unsure about which president had a secret crush on Queen Elizabeth? Do you think of the Van Buren Boys when you hear the name Martin Van Buren? We've compiled a handy cheat sheet to help you prepare for the big event.

ALTERNATIVE MOUNT RUSHMORES

CLAIMS to FAMe The U.S. has had over 15 presidents, but all too many of them go unappreciated by history books and commemorative plates. Here’s some of our favorite, lesser-known presidents and all the things that made them great.

PRESIDENTS-BY-ASSOCIATION RUSHMORE This alternative Mount Rushmore commemorates people who, although never officially elected into office, deserve to be remembered alongside real presidents in the eyes of the American public because of their outstanding power and popularity.

Monica Lewinsky Due to her close relations with Clinton, Lewinsky has claimed that “I have enough president’s DNA in me to be considered something, right?”

Marilyn Monroe Monroe’s performance of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” had more listeners than Kennedy’s inaugural address, and is the real reason for his popularity as president.

William Howard Taft Taft was the last president to have his own personal milk cow while in office, and also the first president to own a car and have half-human, half-bovine offspring. Some speculate that the milk cow and the mother of his half-breed children were one in the same, which effectively ended the practice of keeping a cow for “personal” use. Evidence for this, however, is scarce.

Upon exiting office, Taft was gifted with a copy of Dr. Seuss' “Oh, the Places You'll Get Stuck In!” We know where you’re stuck right now, Taft: our hearts.

William Henry Harrison Only in office for 31 days, Harrison has accrued his share of criticisms. According to Wikipedia, Harrison “was declared to have not done anything useful. No one liked him. He was dumb and smelly.” However, Harrison was also the only president to ever have a zero percent unemployment rating while in office, partially because there wasn’t time to perform fiscal reports during his term. Though his bout with pneumonia prevented him from being a particularly active political figure, he did manage to set a record for being the only president to have been naked in every room of the White House. Many say that if it hadn’t been for this ambitious naked endeavour, he might still be alive today.

John Wilkes Booth He was placed on the Mount due to the mistaken belief held by many that by killing a president, Booth then gained the right to become president, and was the real successor to Lincoln.

Calvin Coolidge’s Pet Raccoon Placed on the Mount because we all know who really called the shots during his term.

SECRET-ILLUMINATI-PRESIDENTS RUSHMORE A severely underrepresented group in the sphere of American politics, these leaders of the Illuminati have a large influence on past and present presidents and deserve to be recognized.

Jay Z The day that Obama “[brushed] the dust off his shoulder” during a presidential debate confirmed that he was in fact Jay Z’s puppet.

Ever since, Jay Z has been honored in Illuminati circles as the first leader to gain control over a president’s hand gestures.

The Late King of Saudi Arabia Instead of devoting his time to the Saudi Arabian people, King Abdullah focused on subtly manipulating Obama to increase trade, which went towards funding other Illuminati operations.

Woodrow Wilson Wilson was one of the most promiscuous presidents, though individuals such as Thomas Jefferson and Clinton get most of the notoriety. Affectionately dubbed “Pussmaster General” by his Cabinet, Wilson is rumored to have slept with over 1000 women while in office, and, in a particularly compromising moment, had to be saved by Secret Service members when an autoerotic asphyxiation session took a turn for the worse. Adding to his sexual infamy, Wilson is also said to be the inspiration for the term “morning wood,” as he regularly entered morning meetings with a severe case of tent-pants.

Match the Facial Hair

Below are some of the most illustrious beards of the presidency.

Can you guess whose is whose?

Martin Van Buren Abraham Lincoln Meryl Streep

Dick Cheney

Streep’s Margaret Thatcher interpretation was too good for her to not have had experience influencing global politics. Ever since the premiere of “The Iron Lady,” her Illuminati relations have been undisputed.

His ignorance and bad bedside manner were actually an elaborate front to avoid suspicion. Cheney is an avid Illuminati member and was the secret mastermind behind the BP oil spill and Hillary Clinton’s blood clot.

Rutherford B. Hayes Grover Cleveland