THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
September 26, 2012
I just want to conquer people and their souls. — Bryan Cranston
Deliberately not mentioning the NHL lockout.
Volume XIX Issue I
IN THIS ISSUE
Romney Comes Out as Rich Jerk, Millions Shocked
STUDY FINDS OLD WHITE MEN TO 2 BE EXPERTS ON WOMEN’S HEALTH MAP SHORTAGE LEAVES FRESHMEN STRANDED MQ’S GUIDE TO A BITCHIN’ FRESHMAN YEAR
4 6, 7
SMARTPHONES NO BETTER AT THE SAT THAN DUMB PHONES BULLY YEARNS FOR HIGH SCHOOL GLORY DAYS
9 10
NEWS IN BRIEF “Now that I’ve come out, money and I can finally express our love in public,” Romney said. BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-in-Chief
A
mericans across the nation were shocked this weekend when Republican nominee Mitt Romney, long rumored to be “not the nicest guy,” revealed to the world that he is, in fact, a rich
asshole. “Yes, the rumors are true,” Romney said at a fivecourse press conference slash fundraiser this Sunday. “I am a proud, terrible, filthy rich man. And I will not hide behind lies of caring any longer.” His wife and five children, who reportedly bribed and pushed their way through the crowd as a show of support for
their father, then joined Romney on the podium. “We’re all just so proud of him for coming out,” Ann Romney said tearfully as the audience applauded. “And for those of you who don’t approve, I just want to say, we are entitled to our love. But not like poor people who want entitlements like government ‘by the people’
UCSD INSTALLS EMPTY CONDOM DISPENSERS IN CAMPUS BATHROOMS
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
and ‘health care.’” Romney said that the decision to come out as “an unrepentant douche” was one that just seemed right to him. “I’m not ashamed of who I am,” Romney said. “Hell, I’ve never tried to hide it. Seriously. You
In an attempt to be known as the “Chancellor that got ‘em laid,” Pradeep Khosla has ordered the installation of empty condom dispensers in campus bathrooms. According the new chancellor, “SDSU will no longer be known as the only fun San Diego school. UCSD is the place to be, people! Leave your inhibitions inside of the Gilman Parking Structure.” “I was really upset when my parents forced me to go to the school that would get me employed when I graduate,” Franklin Yee said. “I wanted to go to State, the San Diego area capital of poon and wacky powder.” Khosla hopes that students like Yee will be more enthusiastic about the social
See JERK, page 2
Remaining Parents to Be Removed from Campus BY SAM BARTLEMAN Staff Writer
U
niversity of California, San Diego officials confirmed Wednesday that any and all family members remaining on campus past Welcome Week will be peacefully relocated back to their natural habitats. The operation will begin at approximately 9 a.m. on September 28 and will continue until cries of “Oh my god, Mom, I’m fine, seriously. No, I don’t need my laundry done. I have enough food to last me through winter! You’ve got to stop showing up unannounced like this, just, please, I’m fine…” are no longer heard. The program was instated in 1996 when one father decided to “take off work for few more days, just to see the sights and maybe check in with James a few more times to make sure he’s making friends.” An estimated 2,500 hover-parents and overconcerned extended family members are removed each year. The most common methods of relocation involve educating parents on student wellness programs, providing free tours to emphasize campus safety, and 50 cc fast-acting tranquilizer darts. Exactly 24 hours after the initial removal process, the relocation team will begin advertising for their yearly “Is Your Child Part of a Satanic Cult?” seminar, which they say helps immediately attract and capture up to 75 percent of remaining overactive parents in one fell swoop. “After we tag and bag, parents will wake up in their own
t
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“I understand the eviction, but the branding seems a little unnecessary,” one parent said. beds, disoriented, and confused but safely away from the university,” Dan Allen, head of Parent Relocation Services, said. “We make sure every parent is reintroduced to their habitat safely and humanely, usually by pushing them into a cab and reading off the address on their driver’s license.” UCSD’s freshman orientation includes an hour dedicated to educating students on parent-proofing their housing, from identifying victims of helicopter parenting to securing their dorm room with heavygauge welded wire mesh to en-
sure the parent cannot return once relocated. This service has proved valuable to many students, such as sophomore Diana Merchant, who discovered an entire coven of family members outside her Warren dorm. “After I forgot to respond to my mom’s texts asking if I had bird flu, half my family drove three hours to make sure I was doing okay,” Merchant lamented. “Thankfully, I knew just who to call, and they were fast asleep and on their way home before they could discover the bong in my room.”
Officials are urging students to report any suspicious activities throughout the quarter, including noticeably older and unfashionable individuals trying to seem inconspicuous while sitting in the back of freshman seminars or any senior citizens repeatedly poking their heads in classroom doors. Students are also advised that prank calls to the service will not be tolerated, and that after the first several incidents, staff have been trained to recognize former chancellor Marye Anne Fox on sight.
UPPERCLASSMEN SHOCKED BY INFLUX OF NEW FRESHMEN
SENIORS ROCK OUT WITH THEIR INABILITY TO WALK OUT
“Wow, they really do get younger every year!”
“I have a newfound ‘Lust for Life’!”
atmosphere on campus when they see the university can’t even keep the condoms dispensers stocked. Khosla has also instructed custodians to scatter empty red cups with a tiny bit of vodka cran in the bottom around campus lawns and other “social areas” to support the notion that “Triton Town’s bumpin’!” It is rumored that Khosla plans a tuition hike to fund an “Anti-Triton Eye Initiative.” The money will be used to hire models to walk around campus, artificially increasing the appeal of the student population. According to the new chancellor’s administration, the resulting campuswide cocaine problem will be “totally worth it.”
IPHONE 5 AIMS TO MAKE CUSTOMERS HAPPIER, APPLE WEALTHIER Apple is again revolutionizing the mobile phone market with a completely redesigned iPhone. The company has eschewed the iPhone 4S’s rectangle-withrounded-corners shape in favor of a slightly larger rectangle with rounded corners in the new model. The larger screen is said to accommodate the advanced myopia inflicting most of its customer base, which was caused by the iPhone 4’s screen, which is 2 percent smaller than that of the new model. In addition, pornographic images and videos can be viewed in high definition on the new “Resolutionary” screen.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is pleased to announce that since the launch of the iPhone 5, Apple has gone from being the world’s most valuable publicly traded company to the world’s even more most valuable publicly traded company. “Take that, Bill Gates,” Cook chuckled as he used his Microsoft logoembossed urinal. Sources report that shortly thereafter an unflustered Mr. Gates was seen smugly comparing Microsoft Office and Apple iWork sales after donating another billion dollars to African charities. Apple plans to release the iPhone 6 “as soon as Mr. Cook is done urinating.”
AREA MAN CURRENTLY MAYBE STEALING YOUR CAR Sources on the street reported just now that a suspicious looking man wearing suspenders and a mustache is “probably trying to break the window” of a car that is “most likely yours.” However, sources report that they were unable to intervene, just in case it was actually just his car. “I think that man is trying to steal that car,” bypasser Quentin Porter told reporters. “You should maybe stop him or something. I mean, if you think that’s
what we should do in this situation. Is it?” From the look of the situation, it appears that the man attempting to steal your car has been at it for some time, and sources also think that interrupting now would just be kind of weird, really. “And anyway, we wouldn’t want to waste all this hard work,” Blake said. “If we stop him now, we’ll never know if he can do it.”
See BRIEFS, page 11