The MQ Volume 19 Issue 1 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

September 26, 2012

I just want to conquer people and their souls. — Bryan Cranston

Deliberately not mentioning the NHL lockout.

Volume XIX Issue I

IN THIS ISSUE

Romney Comes Out as Rich Jerk, Millions Shocked

STUDY FINDS OLD WHITE MEN TO 2 BE EXPERTS ON WOMEN’S HEALTH MAP SHORTAGE LEAVES FRESHMEN STRANDED MQ’S GUIDE TO A BITCHIN’ FRESHMAN YEAR

4 6, 7

SMARTPHONES NO BETTER AT THE SAT THAN DUMB PHONES BULLY YEARNS FOR HIGH SCHOOL GLORY DAYS

9 10

NEWS IN BRIEF “Now that I’ve come out, money and I can finally express our love in public,” Romney said. BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-in-Chief

mericans across the nation were shocked this weekend when Republican nominee Mitt Romney, long rumored to be “not the nicest guy,” revealed to the world that he is, in fact, a rich

asshole. “Yes, the rumors are true,” Romney said at a fivecourse press conference slash fundraiser this Sunday. “I am a proud, terrible, filthy rich man. And I will not hide behind lies of caring any longer.” His wife and five children, who reportedly bribed and pushed their way through the crowd as a show of support for

their father, then joined Romney on the podium. “We’re all just so proud of him for coming out,” Ann Romney said tearfully as the audience applauded. “And for those of you who don’t approve, I just want to say, we are entitled to our love. But not like poor people who want entitlements like government ‘by the people’

UCSD INSTALLS EMPTY CONDOM DISPENSERS IN CAMPUS BATHROOMS

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

and ‘health care.’” Romney said that the decision to come out as “an unrepentant douche” was one that just seemed right to him. “I’m not ashamed of who I am,” Romney said. “Hell, I’ve never tried to hide it. Seriously. You

In an attempt to be known as the “Chancellor that got ‘em laid,” Pradeep Khosla has ordered the installation of empty condom dispensers in campus bathrooms. According the new chancellor, “SDSU will no longer be known as the only fun San Diego school. UCSD is the place to be, people! Leave your inhibitions inside of the Gilman Parking Structure.” “I was really upset when my parents forced me to go to the school that would get me employed when I graduate,” Franklin Yee said. “I wanted to go to State, the San Diego area capital of poon and wacky powder.” Khosla hopes that students like Yee will be more enthusiastic about the social

See JERK, page 2

Remaining Parents to Be Removed from Campus BY SAM BARTLEMAN Staff Writer

niversity of California, San Diego officials confirmed Wednesday that any and all family members remaining on campus past Welcome Week will be peacefully relocated back to their natural habitats. The operation will begin at approximately 9 a.m. on September 28 and will continue until cries of “Oh my god, Mom, I’m fine, seriously. No, I don’t need my laundry done. I have enough food to last me through winter! You’ve got to stop showing up unannounced like this, just, please, I’m fine…” are no longer heard. The program was instated in 1996 when one father decided to “take off work for few more days, just to see the sights and maybe check in with James a few more times to make sure he’s making friends.” An estimated 2,500 hover-parents and overconcerned extended family members are removed each year. The most common methods of relocation involve educating parents on student wellness programs, providing free tours to emphasize campus safety, and 50 cc fast-acting tranquilizer darts. Exactly 24 hours after the initial removal process, the relocation team will begin advertising for their yearly “Is Your Child Part of a Satanic Cult?” seminar, which they say helps immediately attract and capture up to 75 percent of remaining overactive parents in one fell swoop. “After we tag and bag, parents will wake up in their own

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“I understand the eviction, but the branding seems a little unnecessary,” one parent said. beds, disoriented, and confused but safely away from the university,” Dan Allen, head of Parent Relocation Services, said. “We make sure every parent is reintroduced to their habitat safely and humanely, usually by pushing them into a cab and reading off the address on their driver’s license.” UCSD’s freshman orientation includes an hour dedicated to educating students on parent-proofing their housing, from identifying victims of helicopter parenting to securing their dorm room with heavygauge welded wire mesh to en-

sure the parent cannot return once relocated. This service has proved valuable to many students, such as sophomore Diana Merchant, who discovered an entire coven of family members outside her Warren dorm. “After I forgot to respond to my mom’s texts asking if I had bird flu, half my family drove three hours to make sure I was doing okay,” Merchant lamented. “Thankfully, I knew just who to call, and they were fast asleep and on their way home before they could discover the bong in my room.”

Officials are urging students to report any suspicious activities throughout the quarter, including noticeably older and unfashionable individuals trying to seem inconspicuous while sitting in the back of freshman seminars or any senior citizens repeatedly poking their heads in classroom doors. Students are also advised that prank calls to the service will not be tolerated, and that after the first several incidents, staff have been trained to recognize former chancellor Marye Anne Fox on sight.

UPPERCLASSMEN SHOCKED BY INFLUX OF NEW FRESHMEN

SENIORS ROCK OUT WITH THEIR INABILITY TO WALK OUT

“Wow, they really do get younger every year!”

“I have a newfound ‘Lust for Life’!”

atmosphere on campus when they see the university can’t even keep the condoms dispensers stocked. Khosla has also instructed custodians to scatter empty red cups with a tiny bit of vodka cran in the bottom around campus lawns and other “social areas” to support the notion that “Triton Town’s bumpin’!” It is rumored that Khosla plans a tuition hike to fund an “Anti-Triton Eye Initiative.” The money will be used to hire models to walk around campus, artificially increasing the appeal of the student population. According to the new chancellor’s administration, the resulting campuswide cocaine problem will be “totally worth it.”

IPHONE 5 AIMS TO MAKE CUSTOMERS HAPPIER, APPLE WEALTHIER Apple is again revolutionizing the mobile phone market with a completely redesigned iPhone. The company has eschewed the iPhone 4S’s rectangle-withrounded-corners shape in favor of a slightly larger rectangle with rounded corners in the new model. The larger screen is said to accommodate the advanced myopia inflicting most of its customer base, which was caused by the iPhone 4’s screen, which is 2 percent smaller than that of the new model. In addition, pornographic images and videos can be viewed in high definition on the new “Resolutionary” screen.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is pleased to announce that since the launch of the iPhone 5, Apple has gone from being the world’s most valuable publicly traded company to the world’s even more most valuable publicly traded company. “Take that, Bill Gates,” Cook chuckled as he used his Microsoft logoembossed urinal. Sources report that shortly thereafter an unflustered Mr. Gates was seen smugly comparing Microsoft Office and Apple iWork sales after donating another billion dollars to African charities. Apple plans to release the iPhone 6 “as soon as Mr. Cook is done urinating.”

AREA MAN CURRENTLY MAYBE STEALING YOUR CAR Sources on the street reported just now that a suspicious looking man wearing suspenders and a mustache is “probably trying to break the window” of a car that is “most likely yours.” However, sources report that they were unable to intervene, just in case it was actually just his car. “I think that man is trying to steal that car,” bypasser Quentin Porter told reporters. “You should maybe stop him or something. I mean, if you think that’s

what we should do in this situation. Is it?” From the look of the situation, it appears that the man attempting to steal your car has been at it for some time, and sources also think that interrupting now would just be kind of weird, really. “And anyway, we wouldn’t want to waste all this hard work,” Blake said. “If we stop him now, we’ll never know if he can do it.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

theMQ.com

September 26, 2012

Study Finds Old White Men to Be Experts on Women’s Health

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

JERK

can’t have been surprised by this turn of events. Does anyone read the news anymore?” Still, it’s an announcement that caught the world unaware, and some say that it may hurt his chances in the upcoming election. “Yes, I’m sure we’ve had plenty of closeted rich asshole presidents before,” said pundit Gary Matthews. “But actually admitting it — well, it just makes the electorate picture Romney skinny-dipping in his wavepool of money, and that’s not something we want to know about.” “I’m definitely not going to support Romney any longer,” Missouri native Aaron Burns said. “It was bad enough last week, when out of nowhere he started saying insulting things that correlate with his party platform, like he’s a Republican now or something. But admitting that he’s rich? That’s just the last straw.” “I wasn’t going to vote for Romney,” 16-year-old Aaron Rothman said. “But now I’m really not going to vote for him.” Still, some insinuate that Romney is not telling the whole story. “If I were a rich asshole, the first thing I’d do is release my taxes,” Ronald Baker said. “I’m beginning to think that Romney just doesn’t

know what he’s doing.” “So yeah,” he added, “he’s got my vote.” Romney later chose to address his electorate in a final appeal. “Look, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes,” he said. “I’m not perfect. One year, I even paid more taxes that I wanted to. I know I haven’t always been the pinnacle of conceited, arrogant, money-hoarding perfection that you all require from me. But if you just elect me, I promise, I will represent America as most Americans do — just as poorly as this great nation deserves.” “Uh, wonderfully, of course. That’s what I should have said,” he added. “God damn it, why do I have to keep saying what I think?” Romney doesn’t believe that his general inability to interact favorably abroad and his gross misunderstanding of taxes and the people who should and should not pay them should have any bearing on the election. “Look, if we’re going to bring ‘personalities’ into this race, then Obama has stome answering to do as well,” Romney said. “For instance, he sometimes signs his tweets with a lowercase ‘bo.’ Who does he think he is? His dog?”

TOP TEN

Ways Freshmen are Livestock PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“The baby spends 12 months maturing in Other Boob before being pushed out of the Lady Butt,” this expert said. BY JESSI CARR

Production Manager

ast Wednesday, a report published by Brigham Young University and sponsored by the Republican Party found that a majority of women’s health issues are best understood and addressed by “old, white men, typically without any sort of medical background or training whatsoever.” The study, which was conducted after backlash over some controversial remarks made by Missouri representative Todd Akin in August, received widespread support from both the House of Representatives and the Senate as a majority of the lawmakers found themselves as new-

found medical experts. Some, such as Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) have even left their jobs with the government to open up their own women’s health clinics. Despite his lack of a medical license and ability to write prescriptions, Reid says that his business has been booming, due to “the female body’s ways to try to work everything out on their own.” Others are hoping to use this information to gain a lead in the polls this November. “Take periods, for example,” Stan Fuller explained at a campaign rally for Mitt Romney in Alabama. “You women are always complaining about how annoying they are and how you would do anything to get rid of them. Do you know how many

I’ve had? Zero. So clearly, I’m doing something right. Did you know the moon has something to do with periods?” he asked as the crowd burst into applause. “What is the moon trying to do? Control our women? What’s that thing planning anyway?” Public reaction to the study has been largely positive amongst women whose spouses have prevented them from watching television, reading newspapers, or otherwise accessing any sort of media or literature. “I’m so glad that now there’s proof that my husband, father, and church pastor all know what’s best for me and my body,” Louise Johnson, a West Virginia housewife, explained through a quaint window on her home she calls

“the speaking door.” “Now all that time I used to spend worrying about how to take care of myself can be spent making dinners and keeping the house cleaner for my husband after he gets home from a long day at work.” Despite the already profound breakthroughs published by this study, researchers believe that there may be another significant discovery made soon as a result of the current study. While conducting their work, researchers stumbled across a new concept tentatively labeled “science,” which the Republicans behind the study believe “could be a game changer, if it is ever understood and applied, though we may be decades away from that ever happening.”

10. Travel in herds 9. Monsanto’s pumping them full of drugs 8. Blissfully unaware of impending doom 7. Rarely washed 6. Some people believe it’s morally wrong to eat them 5. This year’s crop won third place at the state fair 4. Spend most of their time standing around, looking confused 3. Will one day hopefully satisfy a customer at McDonald’s 2. Always taking up front rows of lecture halls 1. If you push them over they can’t get up

Editor-in-Chief.........................Cody Donahue Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Distribution Captain........................Avi Kabani Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan

Business Editor.............................Brian Damp Production Manager........................Jessi Carr Web Editor......................................Ben Steen MQ Dad......................................Hannah Weil MQ Mom.......................................Jeff Traynor MQ misses the shit out of.......Josh Malkinson Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Royal Temptress.......................Shara Worden

Staff Members Chris Aldama Sam Bartleman Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Bonnie Chinh

Rosa Cho Janine Davis Alan Delblaccio James Dohleman Chase Donnally Daniel Early Alison Gilchrist Marina Karastamatis

Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Christina Nguyen Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda

Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

We’re invisible! Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Wow, I can’t believe I’m writing this. And what’s more, I can’t believe that I’m doing it at 1a.m. on a Welcome Week production. We made stupendously good time this weekend, and I’d like to thank everyone who managed to show up. Special thanks to go Jack and Jessi, for absolutely destroying content, and Garrett and Monica for reading through our paper more times than we should expect from any sane human, Brian for scaring away all of the freshmen, and Bora for showing up on his birthday. Not to mention, Jeff and Hannah proved themselves to be extremely hands-on parents, and I’m very grateful for that – though I’m sure you’ve learned your lessons. We had an involvement fair, TVs in the content room, and and at some point, dildo ball “arose spontaneously.” In short, it was a great production, and I can’t wait to do this again. I hope all of you are as excited for this year as I am. And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make the panda dance.

Booster Club Thanks to Zac for the cookies, Robin for the coffee cake, Avi for the dark chocolate and dining dollars, HannahFedoraCon for the sodas, and Garrett for the dining dollars. And also Bora, for the redvines, I guess. And a special thanks to Alex for showing up to production on his first day of college. Now that’s dedication.

September 26, 2012

theMQ.com

Page 3

Freshmen Surprised to Discover Tour Guide Didn’t Lie About Everything

POINT

Our Political System Is Broken! BY ARIEL FARRINGTON

President, College Democrats at UCSD

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

“Oh wow,” this student commented, “I guess I should’ve believed the tour guide when she described gravity to me.” BY JESSI CARR

Production Manager

ollowing a nearly 400 percent increase in patients from previous Welcome Weeks, University of California, San Diego’s Counseling and Psychiatric Services has been forced to contract outside counselors and psychiatrists in order to effectively meet the needs of the continually growing number of freshmen who now regret coming to UCSD after finding out that campus life is indeed as dull and devoid as their campus tour guide promised. “I thought that it was just one of those lies that they told the big groups of students when parents were around so they wouldn’t be

afraid to let their kids go here,” incoming Roosevelt freshman Alice Park cried while in the CAPS waiting room. “I mean, when my older brother went on a tour of Santa Barbara the tour guides assured parents that students only drop acid maybe once, twice a month, but we all know that’s quite the understatement.” Although CAPS cannot release information on individual cases, they have said that students studying in Geisel Library for midterms and finals for classes that haven’t even started yet is the number one cause of distress for students who came to UCSD expecting a fun, sociable lifestyle. “My guide was just so damn happy and peppy when they toured us around Gei-

sel and told us to get used to the place fast,” Bob Francis, an incoming Marshall transfer, said. “I thought it was because it would make an awesome zombie fortress, but nope — it’s actually because this campus is so boring there’s nothing to do but study for some class they’re not even offering until spring quarter, just to get ahead of the competition.” Students looking for a chance to break free from the apathy of their high school selves and briefly flirt with activism are equally disappointed. “When I was assured by my tour guide that UCSD wouldn’t have a Davis-like incident with protestors, she never mentioned that it was because this school sucks for protestors,” a

crying student said, sitting in front of the Silent Tree armed with protest signs, who declined to give a name. “And now I don’t even know where I can protest the fact that these guides do nothing but feed you lies, just like all the fat cats in Washington.” “Down with authority! Down with the system!” he then yelled to an organic chemistry study group entering the library. “Everything sucks, I guess,” Revelle student Vanessa Reed said. “I was kinda looking forward to this Sun God thing, because they promised us it would be the best day of the year, but given how miserable everything else has been so far, it’s probably just a day where everyone sits inside playing checkers or something.”

Canada Preparing for Promised Influx of Americans “This Could Be The Year,” Says Hopeful Prime Minister

“These Canadians look terrible in high-def,” one American said to another. BY CODY DONAHUE

Editor-in-Chief

hroughout Canada, citizens have wrestled wolves and hand-fished for polar bears this weekend, all as part of a nationwide preparation for a massive American migration following the November elections. “Boy, am I excited,” Manitoba resident Dudley Matheson said. “I can’t even believe how awesome it would be if we had a bunch of noisy, rude Americans living here.” Canada, the “foreign” country located just north of the United States, began preparations following hundreds of thousands of verbal promises that Americans planned to move to Canada if Mitt Romney were elected. “I have to say, I really think this could be the year,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper said. “Sure we’ve had some upsets, like when we expected George Bush to send

people across the border in droves. But I do think America is wiser now, more likely to take action by avoiding their problems. I mean, just look at Occupy Wall Street.” “It’s a boot time,” he added, showcasing one of the nation’s delightful idioms. In the case that Americans do decide to immigrate to Canada, they can expect to experience a country much like their own. “Except you’ll have to pay more for books, which is weird because our money is worth more than yours,” Harper said. “Can you figure that one out? Because I can’t.” “Oh, and gays can marry,” he added. “But I’m not a huge fan of that one either.” For those aspects of Canadian life that differ from American customs, groups have been working tirelessly to fix that gap. “We’re doing our best to improve our country,” Harper said. “We’ve even installed fake credit card machines in our hospitals, in an attempt to readjust you

Americans to the foreign concepts of ‘affordable healthcare’ and ‘poor people staying alive’ that you really aren’t familiar with.” Alterations have also been made to the school system, extending each of the early grades by a few years and getting rid of high school curriculum entirely, in order to accommodate students educated in the United States’ superior schools. “The grades used to work backwards here,” teacher Marilyn Shaloub explained. “That’s the only reason our grade ones are so much better educated than your eighth graders.” Analysts are still working to figure out what exactly “grade ones” are, but current research suggests they cannot be good. The changes aren’t only on a governmental level either. Citizens throughout Canada have begun taking rudeness classes, buying things they don’t need, and learning how to properly

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

pronounce “sorry” in an attempt to make their country as hospitable as possible. “I’ve been pigging out on Tim Horton’s all week,” teenager Aubrey Delaney said. “Hopefully by the time November gets around I’ll be fat enough to make my new American neighbors really feel at home.” Still, reports on the United States side of the border suggest that this planning may be a bit premature. As many as one in 10 Americans identify Canada as “the fictional setting of that reality show called ‘Hockey,’” and only 12 total Americans could identify that Canada had a prime minister, though all were convinced it was Tony Blair. “What? Oh yeah, I guess I did say I’d move to Canada,” Missouri native David Heimler said. “But I was totally kidding. I’d never live in a socialist republic.” “Man,” he later added, “if Senator Akin gets reelected I’m totally moving to Canada.”

e’ve heard it time and time again — young, poor people in this country are being dealt a shit hand by the military-industrial, old-fogey administration that has put up every barrier possible to any sort of change. It has become impossible for us to call attention to the grievous failures of the conservative, old-fashioned Romney campaign without being shut down with accusations of extreme idealism. The special interests controlling our federal government accuse us liberals of economic imperialism when we attempt to advance the nominally-regulated free trade and say that we are penalizing legal immigrants when we try to win over hearts of Latino voters. It’s disheartening to realize, after years of fighting, that no matter how many grassroots campaigns we organize, or benefit concerts we host, that no matter how many people or how much money we have, the system will stay the same.

Whoever wins the election is often determined by dumb luck and economic factors that are out of the incumbent’s control. Take the current presidential race, for example. Romney’s talking all about how the economy didn’t recover, but that’s just not true! In fact, Obama’s wise spending on ARRA resulted in more jobs being created than would have been otherwise, and a plan to reduce the deficit over the next 18 decades! For too long we have fought against the forces of conservativitism and heteropatriarchy to effect meaningful change. It’s time to exercise our First Amendment rights and raise our arms to the sky in political demonstration!

COUNTERPOINT

Our Political System Is Broken! BY THOMAS SPAGENBERG President, UCSD College Republicans

e’ve heard it time and time again — old, rich people in this country are being dealt a shit hand by the socialist, super-spendy administration that has put up every barrier possible to any sort of change. It has become impossible for us to call attention to the grievous failures of the liberal, hopey-changey Obama administration without being shut down with accusations of extreme hatred. The special interests controlling our federal government accuse us conservatives of homophobia when we attempt to expose the danger gay marriage poses to our families, and say that we are bigots when we try to prevent widespread voter fraud. It’s disheartening to realize, after years of fighting, that no matter how many super PACs we organize, or brotherly donors we acquire, that no matter how many people or how much money we have, the system will stay the same.

Whoever wins the election is often determined by dumb luck and economic factors that are out of the incumbent’s control. Take the current presidential race, for example. Obama’s talking all about how the economy recovered, but he didn’t do any of that! In fact, his profligate spending on ARRA resulted in fewer jobs being created than would have been otherwise, and a deficit that is higher than ever! For too long we have fought against the forces of liberalism and atheism to effect meaningful change. It’s time to exercise our Second Amendment rights and raise our arms to the sky in political demonstration!

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theMQ.com

Page 4

September 26, 2012

Americans Worry About Looking Stupid in November Elections

EDITORIAL

You Were Meant to Be Ruled!

BY CHANCELLOR COLESLAW The One You Love to Love

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Did you get a sticker? I didn’t get my sticker yet,” this voter said. “When do we get the sticker?” BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

recently released Gallup poll has asked potential voters what they felt the most important issue was in the upcoming presidential elections in November. While some chose classic issues such as the economy, education, and Operation Secret Gorilla, the vast majority said they were most concerned with how their vote would make them look. With an overwhelming 72 percent majority responding “whether or not my vote will make me look stupid,” candidates in races across the board are quickly shifting their campaign focus to better address

this pressing concern. Voters report that about 90 percent of the time they spend preparing for their vote is spent worrying about whether or not the candidate they choose will make them look bad in the eyes of their family, neighbors, and coworkers. They spend approximately two percent of their time researching candidates’ policy, background, and qualifications, while 8 percent is spent dreamily staring into Anderson Cooper’s eyes. “You can usually tell in the first week whether or not they’re going to do something stupid,” Florida voter Jonathan Goodmeyer explained. “And about half the country feels really stupid, while the other breathes a sigh of relief.”

He added, “It’s like, ‘Gee, I really hope they don’t do anything stupid.’ And then, wham! They do it. Every time.” Many voters say they secretly hope that the candidate they vote for loses, so they have a smaller chance of looking stupid when the winner ultimately screws up. “The only way I’d look stupid then is if the president actually does something right, and what are the odds of that?” an anonymous California voter noted. However, many political scientists are discussing the possibility that voters in fact already feel quite stupid from their last general election. Sarah Greeneman, Yale political science professor, explained what’s known as “W. Voter

Syndrome.” “Voters will actually re-elect a terrible president in the hopes that they get their act together. That way, the initial vote doesn’t look quite as stupid.” Some voters have registered complaints that the candidates are spending too much time discussing trivial issues of foreign policy and tax breaks, and not enough time explaining how they will attempt to make voters proud of their campaign bumper stickers that will inevitably be left on their fenders, win or lose. “I don’t really understand that objectivist philosophy stuff anyway,” Iowa voter Alan Lee commented, in reference to Paul Ryan’s obsession with Ayn Rand. “I just want to do what will make me look good.”

Map Shortage Leaves Freshmen Stranded

ello, freshmen, and welcome to UCSD! I’m your friendly leader, Chancellor Coleslaw. Now, I see some of you looking a little worried. Is it the mask? Have my robot underlings been frightening you? Gee, I sure hope not. See, I’d like you to see me as a benevolent ruler. Now, I think we all got off on the wrong foot at Convocation. I promise, I’m not actually that boring! In fact, I have big goals for this school. If you were to ask me where I see myself in five years, world domination would definitely be on that list. Don’t worry! That doesn’t mean I’ll be deserting you so quickly. I’d love for all of you to one day be my personal minions. Today, I stand on Library Walk, attempting very much to speak over that annoying little man with the God sign while you stand confusedly holding maps, but I see for us a much

more glorious tomorrow! What’s that? Oh, Center Hall? Just walk about a hundred yards down that way. It’s a big building with lots of staircases. You really can’t miss it. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Our future. You know, I wish there was a magic bullet I had, perhaps a silver bullet where I could say, “Give me the Earth, or I will shoot something with this.” But I can’t, so we’re all going to have to work together on this one, really make it a team effort. Together, I have little doubt that I can conquer the world! What exactly am I planning to do? Well, you know, a lot of things. I would explain further, but also I’m not going to do that — it just ruins the surprise. Trust me though, it’ll be cool and very villainous. What do I need you to do? Well, a little obsequious deference wouldn’t be out of line, and I’m really a big fan of frappucinos, if any of you know a guy. But mostly, I just want you to be the best undergrads that you can be! Leave the mischievous, malevolent scheming up to me. You know I’m good at it! And listen, let’s keep this little “supervillain” thing between you and me, okay? I don’t know if the public is really ready to know about it. You know, kids, you’re really going to like it here! Well, until you have class in one of the Marshall portables. I don’t know why we don’t just put those on the map already.

TOP TEN

Lines That Could Be Overheard at Both a Fraternity Recruitment Event and a Doctor’s Office 10. I’m gonna need you to take off all your clothes 9. Use orange juice as a chaser 8. Yeah, we can hook you up with Adderall 7. The bone shouldn’t be sticking out of the skin like that 6. I’m not sure, I didn’t really pay attention in freshman bio 5. You’re fat 4. Turn your head and cough 3. Take two and call me in the morning 2. It looks like cancer; you’ve got six months to live 1. In all my years of experience, those are the weirdest genitals I’ve ever seen

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“I’m not lost. I’m just northeast of that buoy over there.” BY ZAC HANN Staff Writer

ince the university’s founding in 1960, freshmen have traditionally been bewildered by the university’s random layout and buildings so themeless that it’s nearly impossible to know when one has left the campus itself. This year, a University of California, San Diego map shortage has only worsened the problem and left the newest crop of lanyard-wearing Berkeley rejects restricted to the vicinity of their dorm and dining hall areas. Incoming freshman Liz Turtleton is one of these students. After arriving at the third street named “Torrey Pines” on move-in day this year, she realized that “even my logic-developing experience on the Pleasant Hill High School debate team couldn’t help me navigate

the confusing labyrinth of similarly-named streets that protect UCSD from the outside world.” Afraid that she would be too late to use her move-in time slot and be forced to live off-campus for a year, Turtleton called her Orientation Leader and finally managed to find her way to the parking lot behind Tenaya Hall. Even when she had safely arrived on campus, Turtleton found that destinations like Geisel Library were no easier to find than the elusive university itself. Most of the free campus maps were lost when students mistook them for syllabi for the various colleges’ “Modern Globalism” general education requirements, and later threw them away because they didn’t mention whether the class was curved. Some freshmen, digging through the garbage in an attempt to stick to the Dining

Dollar budgeting calendar, have come across the maps and managed to confirm that Pepper Canyon Hall does, in fact, exist. Most, however, remain without guidance. The havoc wreaked on the lamb-like freshman population has manifested itself in a number of distressing ways. For example, a group of Revelle freshman on Monday decided to try the mysterious “Café V” but ended up lost in a eucalyptus copse, which they later described as “an enormous forest stretching on for miles.” One of their number bravely went on to try to scout out their destination while they huddled together amidst the trees, shivering with trepidation and tremulous, postpubescent excitement. The next morning, Campus Security Officers found the students and, with many a “I don’t even want to know what you three were do-

ing out here all night,” and “Couldn’t you move a few trees away to take a dump? Jesus,” escorted them back to their dorms, which were about a three-minute walk away. The whereabouts of the student who left to hunt for the dining hall on his own are as yet unknown. Some students have, in desperation, navigated to maps.ucsd.edu, a disaster of a website that leaves one about as a satisfied as trying to identify a recognizable object in a Picasso painting, or trying to find an incoming biology major who’s not a premed. There remains no word from campus authorities regarding when, if ever, the maps will be replenished. Until then, those first years who are not too timid to ask a stranger for directions can enjoy their choice of seating while most of their classmates wander around the VA Hospital searching for Center 101.

Changes to the World if Waterslides Were the Primary Means of Public Transportation 10. You must be this tall to get anywhere 9. It’s now even harder to leave Kansas 8. You pee less on your commute to work 7. California slow to adopt high-speed waterslides 6. “When I was your age, I had to slide uphill both ways!” 5. Drowning drops to fourth highest cause of death on public transportation 4. Homeless people smell slightly better 3. New Orleans now has fastest public transportation system 2. Life now sucks for pregnant women, terminally ill 1. The DMV still sucks

theMQ.com

September 26, 2012

Page 5

First Man to Walk on Moon Pissed Off to Be Spending Eternity With 1960s Beatniks

EDITORIAL

A Solution to the Doldrums of Life taking, this would be it. I have already amassed a wealth of knowledge but currently lack sufficient funds to pursuit my work. YOU ARE NOT YET

AWAKE.

BY CHARLES JONES Enlightened One

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“If you’re so smart, where’s ‘On the Moon’?” Neil Armstrong shouted to a hippie he could only assume was Jack Kerouac. BY VIVIAN PATE

Staff Writer

eil Armstrong, the recently deceased first man to walk on the moon, made comments to reporters on Sunday that his current stage in eternity was below his expectations. Since his death, Armstrong has been spending a majority of his time in the afterlife with poets from his generation, who later became to be known as the beatniks. “These guys, they think they’re so damn hip. You know, I studied day and night for exams at Purdue while they were harping on about the ‘ugliness of the world’ at open mic night,” Armstrong

said as the waiting room slowly filled with smoke and beatnik eyes began to dart across the room, not to be met by anyone else’s. “Be cool?” Armstrong quietly continued. “They don’t know what ‘cool’ is. I once received an enema of liquid nitrogen, for training purposes, of course. That was cooler than cool.” His placement was first believed to be a clerical error and he filed for an appeal to be reassigned to a group of deceased NASA and Air Force employees, but administration repeatedly denied his request, claiming, “We have him right where we want him.” Although he is currently only said to be occupying the waiting room of the afterlife,

Armstrong has likened the wait to what may feel like eternity. “I thought I could handle this in the beginning, you know, just like being right back on the Apollo … hanging with the guys. But these guys just want to chitty-chat all day and smoke cigarettes like trains. Where are the normal people? It’s been weeks!” Because the time spent in the eternity waiting room is typically indefinite, it was suggested to Armstrong that he find other things to help pass the time and to try to find friends in these beatniks. “Oh, and I tried. They told me I should loosen up and try taking a pencil to hand. So I did, and I thought it was pretty good. But apparently my poem was not as long, drawn

out, and pathetic as the others tend to be.” The rest of the group was asked about whether they enjoyed having Armstrong in their waiting room. One turtle-necked, willowy man, who had previously not uttered a word, calmly said, “Armstrong is a fighter. We like him. But the guy will never give up the argument; he needs to cool down.” When asked if there was anything that was keeping him hopeful about his eternal plans, Armstrong replied: “Well, I will admit that the coffee is terrific. Also, one of the sullen girls keeps giving me bedroom eyes. I’m sure she’s tired of all of these chewed up pieces of wire. She wants a real man. I can dig it.”

Curiosity Rover Accidentally Lands in Mojave Desert NASA Just Goes With It

“Mars looks like a pretty good place for Coachella.” one NASA staffer said. BY RYAN GIBBS

Assistant Graphics Editor

his week, amateur geologist Joe Javi noted the similarity of recent pictures taken by the NASA’s Curiosity rover to some photos that he had taken on a recent vacation. Javi began claiming that the Curiosity rover had not actually landed on Mars, but instead in a location much closer to home. “So I was, like, out looking at rocks and stuff, right? And I saw this awesome vista,

so I, like, took a picture of it. I framed it and put it on the wall at my house. Then I saw this picture from Curiosity, and I thought it looked familiar. That’s when I was all, like, I’ve been there man,” Javi stated on CNN the morning after the landing. “It’s the Mojave man, it’s the goddamn Mojave,” Javi claimed when asked where the rover landed if not on Mars. NASA immediately called an emergency press conference to address these claims. “Just as we announced

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

the evening of the landing, we landed 6 meters off target, and that’s all. What has been recently declassified as a result of these comments has been that the target was changed approximately three months after launch,” senior engineer Dave Daniels stated. “It was brought to the attention of senior staff that an intern had made a miscalculation, dividing by ten instead of multiplying. This error caused the trajectory for the rover to intersect with Earth instead of Mars.” Daniels went on to

make fun of the intern in question, who now has the nickname “Houston’s Problem.” The resulting trajectory placed the rover on a collision course with Earth, the Mojave Desert specifically. After NASA found the error, they decided to alter their mission documents. This decision was apparently made in the 15 minutes before the status update meeting with the Director of NASA. “Ultimately the decision was made that studying rocks in the Mojave or studying rocks on Mars is fundamentally the same thing. As long as we use advanced robotics, millions of dollars of technology and consume the time and efforts of some of the nation’s greatest minds, we’re really going to accomplish many of the same things, right. And plus this way if there’s a problem with the rover, we can just drive out and fix it! It’s really a much better idea, I’m glad I made the mistake,” Houston’s Problem said. NASA recently received budget approval for their next project, dubbed Apathy. The target destination will be NASA’s parking lot and the project will take anywhere between six days and the next 60 years. The budget limit for the project has not been set yet, and in true NASA fashion is expected to be raised, lowered, canceled, and renewed a few times before the big launch day. “The target destination is the same spot we ‘landed’ on the moon and that was a big success last time. Houston’s Problem will be in charge, so we’re counting on him to screw this one up too and send us to Jupiter!” the newest intern said, now being called “Somebody bring me a soda!”

eligion is a lie spoon-fed to us by the masses. Jesus didn’t die for your sins, Buddha did not achieve Nirvana, and Tom Cruise did not make sweet, passionate love to L. Ron Hubbard. Are we all just lost souls doomed to shuffle along this mortal plane? Of course not, for you see, none of this is real. We are all asleep, so to speak, waiting to be awoken to our true selves just like in the wonderful documentary “The Matrix.” WAKE UP. But you’re still here. If waking up were so easy, you would never be stuck in traffic, never wait at the DMV, and never sit five hours in line to experience a minute-long roller coaster. Unfortunately for you, my child, “waking up” requires a little bit of oomph to compel the soul to ascend. For each person the route is a little bit different, and only through a lifetime of struggles can one really obtain the knowledge required to ascend. NONE OF

THIS IS REAL.

It behooves me to extend you an offer to come join me to seek the truth about our actual selves. The search shall not be easy and will take much time to complete, requiring steady income payable by cash or check. If any of life’s endeavors were worthy of such under-

Many of history’s greats have ascended. Lincoln, Kennedy, and even Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. have witnessed the truth. One way to understand our purpose is to understand the lives and deaths of these gentlemen. So far, I have come across the common denominator that they had strong help from a secondary figure in their ascension but I’ll tell you about that later. NOTHING IS WHAT

IT SEEMS.

Changing gears, before you join you should have a military background or at least a strong understanding in the upkeep and discharging of firearms — for defensive purposes only, of course. The ignorant populace cannot comprehend the gravity of the situation and may misinterpret our actions. It is not unlikely that they will blindly spew words like “Manson,” “Jonestown,” or even “Waco.” YOU NEED TO

WAKE UP.

While some paths to ascension are not clearly defined by scripture, I have personally discovered a few generic methods. One of the most popular methods includes lead poisoning and even explosive projectiles. I know what you’re thinking and, yes, it is really fun. For most ways to awaken, I believe I can only perform the rituals in the company of several dozen people. If enough of you commit to this grand ideal, there is no reason why we cannot all convene at my exclusive retreat and attempt it together.

WAKE UP.

So should I get your number or do you want mine or how do you want to do this?

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Your Roommate and Your First Dog 10. You were so proud when she learned to pee outside 9. Won’t stop humping stranger’s legs 8. Your family says she’s your responsibility 7. Goes to a great big farm upstate halfway through the year 6.Won’t stop eating off the floor 5.Pretty sure if you let her wander campus alone she’ll never come back 4.Only understands Spanish 3.Hates it when you blow in her face 2. Trained to lick peanut butter off anything 1. Probably doesn’t have what it takes to be a doctor

TOP TEN

Signs Your Financial Advisor Is Not as Good as He Claims 10. He has his own financial advisor 9. Uses an abacus with only three beads 8. Martha Stewart recommended him 7. “Student loans are a great idea” 6. Uses finger paint instead of PowerPoint 5. Consults his mother before giving advice 4. Suspiciously has same phone number as your drug dealer 3. Keeps telling you if you recruit five more friends he’ll give you your money back 2. He’s an elephant 1. Still believes in imaginary numbers

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S ‘ Q

: M O HE E T

ID U G

N A HM

S E R F ’

N I H C T

I B A

September 26, 2012

theMQ.com

R A YE

G N I Z I L A I C O S

SINCE YOUR DOG DIDN’T SURVIVE UNDERWATER, YOU’LL NEED TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO

Be good-looking, funny, F interesting.

PHOTO NOT FOUND

Convincing someone you’re right i F than they do. This is the most imp

mispronounce your profess F isIf you over.

sit in center seat of the fro F Don’t porn. Everyone else is bored too.

F It’s generally frowned upon to cry Eating in class is fine as long as y F goes for alcohol.

Meet with roommates to F discuss masturbation schedule.

Professors appreciate weed brown F as they love surprises. Catch my d

neighbors on first floor. Ask them if your music needs to be F Visit louder.

be confused by the people F Don’t isn’t called “class” for nothing.

effort into your long-distance relationship. We swear it will F Put work. Maybe. Invite people to your room to check out your sweet power crystal F collection.

CLASSROOM

College is a chance to reinvent yourself! Just remember, no amount F of interesting hobbies will ever mask your shitty, shitty personality.

F Your TAs definitely want to have s If you sit the near the hot person F later. Or switch majors. The choice

everyone you meet how cool your high school friends are. Tell F Tell all your high school friends how cool your new college friends are. Impressing people has never been so easy.

T O N O T HOW OKE GO BR

Commit to the class you walked in F like an idiot, do you?

F Remember, the professor is there Ask unintelligible questions to see F bullshit. You might just take an ent

IT’S HARDER THAN YOU THOUGHT

F Cut weed with oregano. F Cut oregano with bad weed. F Drop out before it’s too late. F Steal one of Pines’ 14 TVs. F Steal ramen. That shit ain’t free. It’s usually 19 cents or something. Rob people on eighth floor of Geisel. They might see you but they F can’t call the cops. Cut Q-tips in half. F Now you got twice as many Q-tips.

Remember: the quarter system is F ever be more than ten chapters behin

E E W O R ZE NGER E V A C S

SDSU Party Shuttle

September 26, 2012

theMQ.com

CLASS

SUPPOSEDLY THE REASON YOU’RE HERE

F You can skip class.

DRUGS

L O H O C L FOR COOL KIDS ONLY AND A

the people who say “hella.” 90% of them are from NorCal F Find and 100% of them smoke weed.

F Turns out all of campus is just a really good bathroom. F Become a dealer, score friends. F How to make a beer bong THE FRESHMAN 15

THE LAST ONE TO THE PARTY

15 oz. Popov Vodka

Garnish with desperation. Chase with vomit.

THE HOT DOG

is all about speaking louder and longer portant rule of education. sor’s name, just keep talking until class

nie gifts from students almost as much drift? e in sweat pants. Wear formal attire. It

THE AWKWARD WELCOME WEEK HOOK-UP 1 oz. relish 1 oz. ketchup

Garnish with hot dog.

THE MANDEVILLE STAIRCASE

M ETIQUETTE

sex with you; that’s why they’re TAs. n, they’ll have to talk to you sooner or e is theirs. nto by accident. You don’t want to look

0.7 oz. Captain Morgan’s Spiced 0.2 oz. Green Apple Smirnoff 0.5 oz. Jose Cuervo Tequila, 0.1 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey 0.6 oz. Jaegermeister 1.0 oz. Coca Cola

“I’m so wasted right now!”

ont row unless you’re going to watch . in class until week 4 you bring enough for everyone. Same

1 housemate 1 six-pack of Smirnoff Ice A squeeze of the left breast

Make sure to tell roommates how awesome it was.

K N I R D

Go to grafitti halls. Start huffing.

OF T U SO P U RO G H URC H C ON C Y NL O N CA U O SE Y U A BEC

to learn from you, too. e which professors will put up with your tire chapter off the midterm! so short that it’s really impossible to nd!

EK NT HU

Page 7

S E P I EC

OD O F UCH M SO

jerk ¨ Some playing an acoustic guitar

¨ A friend

¨ First STD ¨ Something to do ¨ Freshman for whom UCSD was first choice ¨ Take a picture with at least three naked old men at Black’s ¨ Frat Row ¨ S parking spot ¨ Picture of yourself at MQ recruitment event ¨ Four plates of Korean barbecue from different student orgs ¨ Disembodied voice in forest

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Page 8

September 26, 2012

North Korean Silver Medalist Missing Since Returning Home From Olympics

POINT

I Can’t Wait to Major in Everything! BY ALFONSO DOMINGUEZ Some Freshman

fter achieving a stellar 5.00 GPA, getting 5s on all my AP exams, and a 2400 on the SAT, I can’t wait to step into the world of college! Oh, but what will I major in? I could always be a biology major because I like the human body and maybe becoming a doctor would be the best thing I can do to contribute to society. Or I could be a computer major because I’m good with the internet and stuff. Hey, maybe I’ll become the next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg! But I like to read a lot so maybe I could double major and do literature on the side. Oh, with that bad boy, I’ll write tons of books and become the youngest person to win the Pulitzer! But hey, UCSD also has some really cool international studies programs. That looks totally awesome and I’d love to travel the world and study abroad!

Hey, maybe I’ll end up winning a Nobel Peace Prize if I study in Jerusalem and help out with peace negotiations between Israel and Pakistan. Ooh, so many choices, so many opportunities! I can’t wait to try out everything! It’s like a buffet of studies with so many interesting tidbits on the side. I don’t know what to choose from! It’s all relevant to my interests! But maybe I’ll just try to study everything and see what I like! It’ll be a tough decision but, ah, man, it’ll be fun! I know it will! Watch out, UCSD, I’m coming for you!

COUNTERPOINT

UCSD Will Kill Your Soul BYJOSEPH CHANG

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Of course, the Dear Leader is not facing the wrong way,” one top-ranking military official said. “It is we who are standing in the wrong place.” BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Graphics Editor

ilver medalist in the men’s 77kg weightlifting at the 2012 London Olympics Hong Su Rim has been declared missing since returning home to North Korea. A life-long participant in North Korea’s national Olympic athlete training program, Hong had originally gone to the Olympic Games with a proclamation from Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un to win the gold medal. Although no direct link exists between Hong’s disappearance and Kim Jong Un’s unmet expectations, it had been well publicized that the Supreme Leader had wagered a year’s worth of the nation’s emergency food supply on the athlete’s success. Nearly a month since the Olympics ended, signs began to appear indicating Hong was in trouble. While North Koreans tend to fall off the radar once they return home,

state television broadcasts would mention all North Korean medalists except Hong Su Rim. Furthermore, his entries into all future weightlifting events have been pulled and Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly changes the conversation topic to the upcoming meal whenever confronted by the media. “Our dear leader cares very much about our athletes competing at the international level. That’s why he created our state-of-theart Olympic athlete training program,” Supreme Leader spokesman Pak Yun Il remarked. “Ultimately, however, our Supreme Leader’s appetite takes precedent over any and all media matters.” Surprisingly, this has not been the first time that a North Korean athlete has gone missing since failing to capture Olympic gold. Li Sun Ja disappeared after embarrassingly losing in the women’s fencing gold medal match to Chan Mei at the

1996 Olympic Games. Li, too, was heavily favored at the time by former Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Il. A full Interpol investigation was launched but results came back inconclusive, as apparently there was no record of Li having ever been born. “When we had the proof that Li Sun Ja had actually existed and participated in the Atlanta games, they ignored the contradicting evidence and booted us out of Pyongyang,” Interpol Missing Olympians Investigator Glenn Matthews said. “They looked right at a photo of her and asked us why we were showing them a blank page.” Hong had had a tremendous rise from obscurity, claiming bronze last year at the 2011 World Weightlifting Championships in Paris after having placed second to last the year before. His successful rise can be attributed to his work ethic, determination, and the government-approved re-allocation of a small village’s

food to him in order to maximize his bulking up. “Any time we can help promote the image of our glorious democratic people’s republic to the world, we are more than willing to help,” villager leader Kang Hak Son stated. “I may have had to choose which of my children to stop feeding to spare the rest of my family, but the thought of Hong’s success trumped all.” Optimism still remains high for Hong’s emergence despite nearly a month of silence. The North Korean government acknowledges Western awareness of disappearing persons and claims that the allegedly missing have simply been relocated. Depending on their occupation, they are sent to various camps to develop their skills to help North Korean society. In Hong’s case, stated the North Korean government, he was considered for permanent re-allocation to aid in resource and gossip relief.

Twitter Still Not Making Area Man Famous BY GARRETT CHAN

Copy Editor

an Diego accountant and father of three Charles McDuffy was reportedly found distraught and crying in an Arby’s bathroom this Sunday after realizing he hadn’t gained a single follower in two days. “I just don’t understand,” he said. “I tweet about how lame my boss is, how my daughters’ antics affect my relationship with my wife, and how my wife insists she isn’t seeing anyone.” A source close to McDuffy says he even used to tweet what he was eating until a month ago when he reportedly “discovered Instagram.” He then proceeded to “take shitty pictures of everything” and “couldn’t even pretend to be interested in anything the kids were doing like he used to.” “I wish he would touch me,” the source added. “I even tried to work with his new social-networking kink. You know, get a hotel room, put on ‘The Social Network’ and see what happens, but he just ended up shouting at the screen about how Twitter was better than Facebook the entire time.”

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“All right, a new follower! McDuffy cheered. “Who’s @xxxbongzilla420x69xxx?” McDuffy spends approximately 10 minutes of every hour composing tweets, which range from small, but poignant, details of his everyday life to sweeping ideas about politics, morality, and epistemology. “I was at a barbeque this one time,” he muses, “and I thought, ‘How do I know what I’m tasting tastes like what you’re tasting? Isn’t all taste subjective? Isn’t all percep-

tion, and by extension, reality, subjective? That got four retweets. So disappointed.” But the Rancho Bernardo father of three has not hesitated to use his internet presence to express his political issues. “RT if u think 9/11 was bad,” he tweeted on the 11th anniversary of the September 11 tragedies. Still, McDuffy remains hopeful that his words will bring him the fame and no-

toriety in cyberspace that he believes he deserves. “That five grand personal-brand workshop I attended in England has to pay off. I mean, I just gotta show the world what a fun, relatable guy @Chuck_McDuff really is. Sometimes, I’ll even tweet a picture of a cold one, you know, to show my followers how I like to relax.” Despite such brief intermissions of levity, he had some harsh words for those who are already twitter-famous — a calculated move he says he learned in an “Online Attention-Getting” seminar. “Look, if Alec Baldwin can tweet all that vitriol about the good people of American Airlines, yet still make money from a movie like ‘Rock of Ages,’ then my boss should pay me at least ten grand more. God knows he’s already screwing my wife.” McDuffy says he will continue tweeting until he “has at least as many followers as the ugliest Kardashian,” and insists that his online presence will increase over time. He did, however concede one point. “My tweets are mostly vapid blather thrown into the senseless void of the internet. Why would anyone listen to me?” He then added, “Wait. Then how am I not famous?”

Jaded Fifth Year

ou seriously think that after doing so well in high school, you’ll change the world at UCSD? By the end of week 1, you’ll be wondering how the hell you are surviving your classes. Major in biology and become a doctor? Yeah, just like about what everyone is doing here. If I had a penny for every person I met who wanted to become a doctor then I wouldn’t have to worry about paying off my loans by the time I finally graduate! Become the next Steve Jobs by majoring in computer engineering? Yeah, by the time you finish your very first CSE class you’ll be loathing your computer and MATLAB. Hey, if you really want to major in everything, go ahead and sell your soul to the UC Regents. You’ll learn that your study habits in high school won’t save you now. If you get your very first “C” in a literature class, be prepared to see another one. TAs can sense when you’re bullshitting be-

cause you didn’t bother to read “Njals Saga” or “Treatise of Man.” Still determined to major in everything? That’s adorable. Just so you know, you will inevitably change your major before your third year. You will regret petitioning for that double major, and, before you know it, it will be too late to drop that minor on the side that is bogging you down. Buddy, do yourself a favor and major in something that doesn’t require you to think beyond your ego. At least you won’t have to sacrifice an arm and a leg for your very first Bio lab. They like them extra-fresh.

TOP TEN

Breakup Lines 10. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put Y next to U, because I’m really regretting this marriage. 9. Is your dad a thief? Because my divorce lawyer would like to know. 8. Are you a parking ticket? Because I’m gonna pay you and never think about you again. 7. Do you have your glasses? Because I think we should see other people. 6. How much does a polar bear weigh? About as much as you’ve gained since I started seeing you. 5. Do you work at Subway? Because you’ll need to be able to support yourself now. 4. Do you work at UPS? Because I see you checking out that other guy’s package. 3. You’re like a candy bar: I finished you pretty quickly and now I need a new one. 2. I lost my number, can you lose mine too? 1. Nice shoes. Now walk the fuck out the door.

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theMQ.com

September 26, 2012

Smartphones No Better at SAT Than Dumb Phones

EDITORIAL

People in Middle East Angry for Some Reason

BY FRANK JOHNSON

Department of Defense Insider

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“What’s the answer to number ‘essay’?” BY KEVIN QUIROLO Staff Writer

study conducted by the College Board has found that smartphones have no advantage over normal phones on the SAT. The study found that while both phones performed equally well on the sitting still portion of the exam, which was expected, the smartphones performed equally badly on the written and bubbled portions of the exam. “Its like they didn’t even pick up their pencils,” Paul Sechrist, Chair of the Board Part of the College Board, said. “Fortunately, however, the SAT has been vindicated as a fair test which reflects all

important attributes necessary to attend and succeed in college and in life.” The college part of the College Board could not be contacted. The study analyzed test results from 300 different phones taking tests all over the country. Each test used the College Boards patented, Test Proctoring Speech, which is the portion of the SAT that measures student’s endurance of intense boredom. Snacks, pencils, calculators, and erasers had to fit in a quart-sized plastic bag. As per College Board regulation, no notes, calculator watches, large plastic bottles, toothpaste, knives, fireworks, firearms, explosives, or nail clippers were allowed, though phones were not required to remove their Wolfram Alpha

apps, due to a previously undiscovered loophole. A civil suit has been filed alleging discrimination by a lawyer representing a 2003 Motorola Razr and a 2007 Droid Razr 2, neither of whom were allowed in the testing chambers. Education experts were troubled by the results, pointing to the fact that both smart and dumb phones are often the only source of human contact for many young adults. “It’s a travesty the way our society has devolved into —,” Dr. Chris Evans of Boston University said, later adding, “Hold on I have to take this.” Many like Dr. Evans worry the students will go the way of the cell phones, not even picking up their pencils and

not working even after you feed them electricity all night. Parents have already started buying giant rubber suits to keep their SAT-aged children safe from being dropped, or sat on in the bus. The College Board study was especially surprising because previous studies have repeatedly confirmed that students equipped with smartphones do much better on the SAT than students equipped with normal phones. “All I have to say is that it is an active area of study,” Dr. Evans said. “We are already conducting a study comparing the MCAT scores of phones running Android and students running a marathon.” Dr. Evans’s paper will be published next April after the Boston Marathon.

Freshman Dies of Marijuana Overdose

“On second thought, this would probably work better between my toes.” BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

he University of California Coroners’ Department has reported that John Ng, whose body was found on a couch in Eleanor Roosevelt College’s North America Hall early this morning, died from a marijuana overdose. UC officials have refused to comment when asked why they have their own coroners or how many bodies are examined each year. “Personally, I’m shocked,” Eleanor Roosevelt College Residential Dean Tim Curtis said. “I didn’t know many college students smoked weed. If

you’re smart enough to get into UCSD, how come you’re too dumb to realize this stuff kills?” Investigators are busy trying to piece together the details of Ng’s death, described as “chilling to death” by drug experts. The UC Police Department has even released a statement, saying: “We have put our best men on it. They flunked out the most difficult police academies in the state.” “It appears the deceased had finished unpacking and was hanging out with his new suitemates when at least one of them suggested the group ingest cannabis, likely in the form of a marijuana cigarette or possibly out of a

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

bong-pipe,” lead investigator Stephen Mitchell said. “Afterwards, we believe the group then proceeded to listen to music and laugh at their own inane jokes.” Ng had not smoked cannabis on any prior occasion and likely coughed multiple times before watching the movie “Friday” with his suitemates. Given his established time of death, it is uncertain whether or not Ng finished the film before convulsing violently, seizing, vomiting blood, and finally passing away. “Why couldn’t he just drink to dangerous excess like a normal student?” North America Residential Advisor Joanna Dwyer asked. “Can

you believe they want to make this kind of thing legal? It’s disgusting.” “Personally, I didn’t know weed could kill you,” thirdyear student Ximena Marin said. “Tonight, I had plans to cook dinner, smoke some, and maybe watch something trippy like ‘Koyaanisqatsi,’ but now, I don’t know.” “Looks like I’ll be taking a tolerance break,” Marin added. “Hey, do you wanna buy some weed?” Statistics regarding cannabis use among the student body are difficult to come by and unreliable. Many users even possess the ability to appear to be normal, everyday people, cleverly hiding their dangerous vice. However, the scarce research available is troubling. One study found that cannabis use is increasing as is the consumption of food late at night and use of unintelligible drug-slang — the last of which researchers noted as appearing “actually kind of fun.” Many university organizations have taken it upon themselves to spread marijuana awareness. One of these is the newlyformed student group, Dads Against Nug Kombustion or D.A.N.K., which meets weekly on Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. Unwilling to allow Ng’s death to be in vain, students across campus have begun to increase “420” awareness. Sources say “420” is a number that has something to do with cannabis, they believe.

ecent events across the world have revealed a startling new truth: Inhabitants of the Middle East are angry. Experts agree that people across the region are “pretty PO’ed” and are said to be “not exactly the happiest of campers,” but many of their reasons remain a mystery. The recent dissatisfaction might largely be a byproduct of United States foreign policy, a course of action that has become almost synonymous with the War on Terror — an agenda of control and violent suppression that President Obama has continued to pursue with such enthusiasm, it would make Dick Cheney smile. However, I call bullshit. Perhaps it is frustration with incomplete revolutions of the so-called Arab Spring, which promised sweeping reforms but gave way to dangerous political power vacuums that have delayed attempts at social and political progress. This is also definitely bullshit. Therefore, we can check those of the list and get to the real kosher-certified meat and potatoes (a traditional Middle Eastern dish) of the matter: What’s all the fuss about, really?

Remember, people like me have access to pretty much all the information we need to protect this great nation of ours. I mean, not to scare you or anything but if I wanted to I could figure out what kind of porn you like. I mean, not saying I want to or anything, but if it was a matter of national security, I could figure it out. I’ve read every report I could get my hands on without leaving my cubicle and I’d like to share a few of the more plausible theories with you. One of our guys in Karachi says they’re all pissed about Cee Lo and Christina Aguilera being replaced as judges on “The Voice.” I could buy that. Except they got replaced by Usher and Shakira. Who doesn’t love Shakira? Nice try. Another interesting, though flawed, explanation I’ve heard is that Joe Biden’s proposed tour of the Middle East got cancelled due to socalled “security concerns.” But he was never going to go in the first place, or at least that’s what my guy in D.C. tells me. However, the most convincing theory is that they’re pissed about missing this season of “Breaking Bad.” Now, this is the most convincing argument I’ve heard about it. I mean, it’s American Movie Classics. American. Movie. Classics. You know what they were attacking and demonstrating outside of? American embassies. “American” embassies in the Middle East? That’s kind of a “classic” American government thing. And people in those embassies probably watch “movies” sometimes to relax. It’s obvious. All the pieces are there. Or maybe everyone just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They use beds over there right?

TOP TEN

Discoveries Your Parents Have Made Since You Left 10. Your bed is really comfortable 9. The lotion in the bathroom now lasts three times longer 8. Smoking weed’s way more fun when you don’t have to hide it 7. They just like things better without you 6. You can’t report people missing because they didn’t answer the phone for two hours 5. Who really killed JFK 4. Your shrine to David Hasselhoff 3. The closet entryway to Narnia 2. That you were the glue holding their marriage together 1. Why your friends called you “Horse Porn”

TOP TEN

Things Your Pizza Delivery Guy Is Thinking as You Kill Him 10. Just three more hours ‘til the end of my shift 9. At least now I don’t have to go back to my broken home 8. All this just because I forgot the parmesan? 7. I hope my car won’t get towed 6. If only I had a gun; thanks a lot, Obama! 5. OWWWW, OWWWWW 4. Last time I cover one of Justin’s shifts 3. Goodnight, sweet prince 2. Not again 1. What an asshole, no tip?

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Page 10

September 26, 2012

Geisel Temporarily Houses Exotic Bird Exhibit

EDITORIAL

Guns Are People, My Friend

BY PAUL RYAN

Vice Presidential Candidate

Geisel employees still receive more complaints about the Starcraft players. BY DYLAN BLACKIE

Staff Writer

n Monday, September 24, Geisel Library hosted the official grand opening of their new bird-themed exhibit. Entitled “Beaks and Geeks,” the interactive exhibit will be on display until October 15 and consists of a wide variety of exotic bird species allowed to roam free throughout the library. Aside from the constant screeching and flapping sounds made by the birds as well as “the occasional droppings of waste onto a $240 calculus textbook,” officials say the day-to-day operations of the library will be unaffected. However, some student employees said they had received numerous complaints

from students trying to work. Other student employees were already incapacitated or currently being held down and gagged by the birds. “It has been a learning experience for all of us,” library employee Karen Ayem explained. “After the first day, we had to put up a lot of signs saying ‘Please, No Hunting the Birds for Sport or Pleasure.’” The following day, the signs were altered to include prohibition of hunting birds for school projects, sorority rush events, or hoping to obtain their flying powers, though for reasons unknown to the organizers of the event, administration tells them that hunting for the reason of winning a drunken bet is still legal. “Overall, I still think the exhibit is a good decision,”

she continued. “The birds get really cramped in the cages we keep them in during the rest of the year.” “And besides, the third floor has terrible ventilation,” she added. So far, students have had varying opinions about the exhibit. “Oh, you can see them, too?” freshman Susie Skyrzynski replied, when asked about the birds. “Thank God! No one believes me when I tell them about having to put up with the birds in here yearround.” Other students were more optimistic about the new addition. “I think it’s really great,” Daniel Tireng commented. “I’ve always thought the one thing missing was a bird screaming at you when

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

you walk in. And when you sit down. And throughout the entire time you’re studying.” The planning of the exhibit was spearheaded by incoming Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, who said he hopes the exhibit will make the library distinct from being “just another college library.” “I like to think I bring something new and unique to every campus I work at,” Khosla commented. “For UCSD, it’s birds.” However, upon walking into the library and observing the resulting chaos, Khosla reportedly walked out of the library and began speaking to a woman named Sharon in hushed tones, asking her to “try and make sure that we don’t have a repeat of that Carnegie Mellon incident.”

Bully Yearns for High School Glory Days

“Oh, to be young and making life hell on earth for those physically weaker than you,” mused one onlooker. BY GARRETT CHAN

Copy Editor

ocal resident Joshua Gilles, 19, has reportedly been suffering from postgraduation depression. The tall, aggressive, and occasional member of the Torrey Pines High School wrestling team was widely respected for his reputation as the top school bully. However, following his high school commencement ceremony, Gilles found that his social stock quickly plummeted as, according to his only two friends, “the self-described big fish was released into the even bigger, harsher pond that is the adult life.” “I work at the Five Guys after school, and I can’t tell the freshmen to eat the burg-

ers off the floor like I used to,” Gilles sighed as he flipped a patty while a family of five watched. “It sucks ass.” Gilles divulged that he enjoyed physical and emotional torment equally. In fact, he was more than happy to name several of his favorite acts of adolescent violence as he reflected back on “the glory days of yore.” “Yeah, there’s the wet-willy, the knuckle sandwich; those everyone knows. But my favorites were the Shanghai Skinny Dip, where you let him decide between doing your math homework or having his head shoved in the toilet, and the Flagpole Strip Tease, which is self-explanatory.” Perhaps because of his intense focus on humiliat-

ing others, Gilles failed most of his high school classes the first two times through and now spends most of time divided between daydreaming at community college and trying to learn how to cook meth. “It’s just not the same in college,” he explains. “The other day, I was teasing this guy in my sociology class for wearing pink — like, that’s just gay — and everyone was like, “Hey, social justice” and, shit, when did everyone get so mature and start standing up for each other? And what the hell is social justice?” At this point, Gilles broke down in tears. He appeared genuinely disappointed in how far astray his life had gone. “Oh, what I would give

he classic NRA bumper sticker claims, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” I couldn’t agree more! This idea is often misunderstood by the general public. It is not a statement about human nature or lethal intent. It is proclamation of personhood. Guns are the people that kill people. But don’t blame them. They’re only following orders, after all! As vice president, I would do everything in my power to see that our nation’s firearms are granted the privileges of personhood they deserve. I mean, if I consider a two-week-old fetus a person — and I do — I definitely consider a 12-gauge shotgun a person! It can certainly do more, it’s cuter, and it was created by the Lord Almighty. And guns have other person-like qualities, too. For example: I have seen several guns ejaculate. I mean, there are crazies out there who think dolphins are people! Guns are sure smarter than dolphins. Put a gun and a dolphin in a locked cell with no food or water, and who do you think will survive the longest? I’ll tell you who: the gun, every time. Because of this, people driving on freeways with guns

in the passenger seat will be allowed to use the carpool lane under my vice-presidency. I expect this will go a long way to boost our economy through the sales of “Baretta on Board” stickers. It would also increase traffic flow speeds dramatically. You’d think twice about driving 70 in the carpool lane if you knew the guy behind you was packing a .38 special, nickel-plated “passenger.” Additionally, as people, all guns born in the United States that are at least 18 years of age will be able to vote under legislation that will be passed by the Romney administration. The votes of these God-fearing American citizens will be recorded by shooting them at a ballot until only one name remains legible. Of course, it will be necessary that the guns be operated by qualified, certified individuals during elections, so probably members of the National Rifle Association. But just like other people in this great country, guns shouldn’t be limited to the elections themselves. As president, I will encourage them to attend campaign events, such as the Democratic National Convention. Other nations may object to my stance that guns should be granted citizenship, especially when we start sending them overseas with passports. However, I’m committed to giving American guns the same travel privileges other citizens enjoy. On a completely unrelated note, I will do everything in my power to increase the military budget. The bottom line is that guns are people, my friend! And if you’ve got the gumption to disagree with that, my associates Smith and Wesson would like to have a word with you.

TOP TEN

Things Your RA Is Thinking as He Sends You Out to War 10. I sure hope they remember to retreat in time for the house meeting 9. Where did they get assault rifles? 8. I can’t believe the top bed bunk dispute got this far 7. Warren started it, I’m damn well finishing it 6. I love the smell of napalm in the morning 5. She wasn’t gonna make it as an engineer anyway 4. I hope I don’t have to do a write-up when they die 3. Why are they running away? “Call of Duty” is right here 2. What would Jesus do? 1. I don’t get paid enough for this

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

for just one more chance to pummel little Tommy Wilson in the locker room again,” Gilles sighed with exasperation as he accidentally burnt his hand on the potato fryer. “To hear his dumb little glasses crunching against the metal one last time.” Gilles then ran into the back room, driven to tears from both the physical and emotional trauma. “I just hated myself so much in high school,” he muttered between sobs. “That’s really why I did it. But I hate myself even more now that I can’t make fun of other people properly.” “Hey, shut up you little pansy,” he added, punching himself in the stomach. “Wow, I feel a lot better now.”

Trying to get the girl? Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

theMQ.com

September 26, 2012

Page 11

Churchgoers Fight for Sanctity of Fried Chicken, Marriage

Actor Clearly Just Facebooking It In

I said unwrap your goddamn hard candy before the show started.

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

The Iceman Signeth On BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-In-Chief

T PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

The wedding would have gone on without incident if no one had invited Foghorn Leghorn. Man, that guy has a drinking problem. BY ROSA CHO

Staff Writer

hurchgoers across the nation rejoiced when Chick-fil-A announced that it would fight to protect the sanctity of chicken in the name of traditional marriage. Conservative families have finally found an ally in Chick-fil-A, a fast food chain large enough to rival Burger King and McDonald’s but without the annoying hangups about things like “civil rights.” According to the representatives of the famed chicken sandwich chain, “There is nothing more important in this day and age than fighting for the Lord’s work — that is providing people with fried, arteryclogging animal flesh.” “We can’t have homosexual men and women touch-

ing our finest chicken,” Mary O’Toole, of El Cajon, said. “It ain’t right. It’s in the Bible. It’s you know, somewhere in, there. I think it’s in Jesus’ letter to the Cypriots.” Eager to celebrate Chickfil-A’s firm stance, many families lined up at their nearest restaurant to order their signature chicken sandwiches in celebration. Entire congregations met to sing hymns and feast upon fried chicken and waffle fries, just like Jesus and his disciples, so many years before. However, the demonstrations did not go on without incident. The positive atmosphere was interrupted by waves of protestors brandishing signs and raging about “healthy living,” “human dignity,” and other “liberal nonsense.” Some protestors came to protest

dressed as vegetables, but most found it far more effective to kiss their same-sex partners in defiance of fried chicken law. Undeterred, churchgoers banded together to fight for “the righteous and delicious,” buying even more sandwiches, chicken strips, chicken bites, chicken stripes, and waffle fries. “This is the fastest we’ve ever sold our sandwiches,” Thom Nguyen, employee of Chick-fil-A, said. “I heard that one of our nearby branches over ran out of sandwiches and is now desperately trying to fill orders with deep fried shoes. They say it works surprisingly well.” No one can deny that chicken is finally headed into the mainstream where it must fight for the same recognition as beef and salad. Chick-fil-

A CEO Dan Cathy released a statement praising “the many families and churchgoers, joining together to exercise the God-given right to stuff one’s face with breaded chickentaste products.” Cathy’s fiery rhetoric, featuring topics such as “the war on chicken,” appears to have charged a base of surprisingly vocal religious zealots. Observers have pointed out that many of these supporters rarely voice their opinions, and are enticed by the freedom to finally express themselves fully and openly, without bigoted and hurtful repercussions. In any event, it seems the new chicken movement is here to stay, standing by their beloved chain regardless of opposition, except on the Sabbath. Of course, to fry chicken on such a sacred weekly occurrence would be heresy.

BRIEFS: NOW 33% LESS BRIEF OVT NOW ALLYOU-CAN-EAT; MARSHALL STUDENTS BOAST “FRESHMAN 30” Ocean View Terrace has become the campus’s first all-you-care-to-eat buffet with the 2012-2013 school year. The provost of Marshall College proudly announced that by the end of the year his students will have the highest BMI at UCSD. “We were hoping for highest GPA this year, but it’s something… I guess.” To avoid paying for each meal, some students have begun staying in the dining hall all day, listening to podcast lectures while eating their sixth bowl of fettuccine alfredo with bacon. “We’re not sure where they’re going to the bathroom,” James Johnson, OVT director, says. “But we can’t legally kick them out.” He continued, “Do you smell something? I think there’s something wrong with the meatloaf.” Now, for the first time in the college’s history, most discussion sections for Marshall’s Dimensions of Culture, or DOC, general education class requirement will be held in OVT, as many freshmen are unable to waddle all the way to Sequoyah Hall. Some pupils have complained that the admission price to the dining hall is too high to feed them all year. “I’ve already run out of

Dining Dollars; good thing I have these fat reserves,” one student sighed. “But if I don’t get some high carb, low cost food in my stomach soon, I’m going to be the skinniest person in my suite. Can you imagine how much they’ll tease me?”

AREA MAN DEFINITELY GOING TO GET TO THAT SOON Sources today have reported that area man Richard Davies, who happens to have a whole lot of other things to do right now, will nonetheless be able get around to doing that thing you want him to do sometime very soon. “Yeah, absolutely, whatever,” Davies said, not looking up from his computer screen. “Totally.” Davies, who has in the past failed to get around to doing that thing, is nonetheless confident that “this time will be the charm,” despite all of the other important things that are kind of taking up his attention right now. You kind of happened to ask at a really bad time, but he is absolutely committed to switching tasks and really powering through it, just as soon as all of these other things have been taken care of. “Or at least that’s what it sounded like,” observer Robyn Gryffyn said. “He could also just been very distracted and not listening.”

ENTIRE CAR RIDE SPENT WORRYING IF THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER ON THE RADIO Reports state that Taylor Heinman spent her entire morning drive wondering if there was a better song on a different radio station than the one she currently had on. After several minutes of constant channel-changing, Heinman’s daughter expressed that she was “so fed up” with her mom always messing with the radio, explaining how it’s, like, “just pick one already!” “It’s not like I was even changing it that much,” Heinman commented. “I just really want to make sure I’m not stuck with a song that’s just kind of okay when there is a song that I might actually enjoy.” Earlier, Heinman had mildly enjoyed a song that sounded “kind of like U2, but maybe something else.” She then continued switching stations until she gave up and returned to the initial station. However, by that time the “moderately all right” song from earlier had ended. “Eventually I was so frustrated I just turned it off,” she added. “But I still worry that on some station there was a tune that I really would’ve loved, you know?”

FREEDOM TOAST, FREEDOM FRIES DENIED TO U.S. PRISONERS In the most recent chapter of the American prisoner abuse saga, the Supreme Court ruled that it is unconstitutional to serve freedom toast or freedom fries to incarcerated persons in the U.S. penal system. Human rights activists have not protested the ruling nearly as vociferously as the prisoners themselves, who will now have to content themselves with the much more boring rye toast with butter and roasted potato wedges. “They’re not free, so it doesn’t make sense for them to get freedom food,” Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. explained. “We thought the waterboarding at Guantanamo was bad, but at least they had the basic human right to eat whatever they want,” ACLU lawyer Patrick Fairweather explained. “This is a monstrosity.” Since the Court’s decision, media attention and protests have resulted in minor improvements to prisoners’ diets. As of Monday, prisoners have been served such breakfast dishes as chocolate chip pancakes, French toast, and sausage links.

theMQ.com

he community theater community was alight with controversy this week after popular star David Fitzsimmons was accused of “Facebooking it in,” a new theater term said to have been entirely influenced by his performance. “I could have been home making a quilt or knitting a sweater instead,” Howard Johnson complained, inadvertently summing up the thoughts of all those in attendance. According to viewers who were willing to sit through a community theater production, Fitzsimmons, whose star turn as Peter Pan just seven short years ago had him hailed as the future of community theater, chose to skip such tools as inflection and facial expression to express emotion. Instead, he explored the complexities of his character by ad-libbing such lines as “like,” “maybe attending,” and “Wow, some people are just so fake. No naming names, you know who you are.” “I kind of liked it at first,” one teenage viewer said. “But after a while it’s like, come on. Everybody knows ‘maybe attending’ means no. Just man up and decline, you know?” Despite the criticism, Fitzsimmons stands by his decisions. “Everything I do comes from an artistic center where I ask myself, what is the truth of this character, this person I am bringing to life,” he said. “And you know what? I just really think this is how Hamlet was meant to be played.”

THE

“Besides, if you focus on the Facebook aspects of the performance, you’re clearly missing a lot of what I did with the part,” he added. “For instance, that emo-as-shit soliloquy was clearly LiveJournal-inspired, and the homoerotic ways Laertes and Hamlet posed during the fight scene were meant to evoke a Tumblr-esque feel.” Still, viewers felt that the play seemed to lack cohesion, being that Hamlet, who was born far before the invention of smartphones, kept ducking behind set pieces to send text messages to characters not in the original Shakespeare canon. And many leveled accusations that the giant status bar Fitzsimmons carried around was just to hide the fact that he hadn’t memorized his lines. Fellow thespian Clarice Thomas, whose decision to deliver Ophelia’s soliloquy in short 140 character bursts extended the play’s runtime by 30 minutes, felt that perhaps the viewers simply did not understand “the visionary magic” of the performance. “Let’s face it, most of the people in the audience were our parents and really old people,” she said. “And I definitely caught my dad trying to use voice command on our toaster the other day, so clearly people that old don’t understand technology.” Only one viewer, veteran community theater viewer Robert Bainsworth, had no opinion on the performance. “I wasn’t really watching for the acting,” he explained. “They recently changed up the way their set pieces were arranged, supposedly to improve it, so I was focused on that.” “And you know what? I really preferred the old layout.”

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome

TOP TEN

Things to Do With Your Excessive Dining Dollars 10. Lose it all speculating on Dining Dollar futures 9. Go to TJ, take advantage of exchange rate between Dining Dollars and dining pesos 8. The best toaster fake money can buy 7. Don’t pretend like you have extra Dining Dollars, tubby 6. Enjoy a glass of water at the Bistro 5. OVT. 6 p.m. Ask Wanda for the under the table special; she’ll give you a hand. 4. Pay that guy before he breaks your knees 3. Use them to curry favor with an upperclassman who won’t care about you anyway 2. Let them expire, you rich asshole 1. Exchange them for food

theMQ.com

Page 12

September 26, 2012

An Introduction to Pradeep K. Khosla “Please, Mr. Khosla is my father. Call me Chancellor.” Curriculum Vitae: It means “Look at all this shit I did” in Latin When I’m Not Doing “Robot Things” • Played lead guitar, theremin for psychedelic band The Electric Mule Project, which released three EPs between 1976 and 1977 • I enjoy reading romance novels of Kradeep Phosla, such as “Hacking into His Heart” • Achieved my dreams as a stuntman in “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark”

Awards • 1998 Mr. Universe, 17th runner-up • 2003 Carnegie Mellon Biggest Calculator award • Chattanooga Chili Cook-Off Winner three years running • 2011 Recipient of #1 Dad coffee mug

Skills

Work Experience

• Capable of palming basketball • Best Ollie X Games 2005 • Scored a 93% on “Through the Fire and Flames” 2012 • Carnegie Mellon’s Mustache of the Decade 2000-2010

• Named Best Lover of 1999, “Cosmopolitan” magazine • Extra in “Blood Diamond” (2005) • Denied by Berkeley’s Chancelling Program • Once shook hands with Val Kilmer

“She’s been doing it long enough, so I trust her judgment. Oh wait, who?”

“Seems like a nice enough guy. Gives a decent handshake. Asked me how I was doing.”

Mark Yudof

Tracy Stevens

University of California President

Twitter Feed of @PRADEEP_KHOSLA

“You call the Dalai Lama ‘Your Highness’ once and they replace you with an Indian guy.”

Chancellor Fox

Former UCSD Chancellor

Recent Acquaintance

My Lookbook

My Life in 140 Characters or Less

Work hard, play hard

Paid for by Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla

Obama said he expected me to be foxier in person

Look at this stud

I can explain: I was tracking her in the hopes she would lead me to my real prey, Jim Whitesell