The MQ Volume 19 Issue 2 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

October 31, 2012

Am I a born boxer? No — if I was, I’d be perfect. — Paul Ryan

Delivering pre-papier mâché since 1877

Volume XIX Issue II

IN THIS ISSUE

California Stoners Two Years Late for Election

NANOENGINEER INHALES FOURYEAR PROJECT

PIRATE BAY SERVERS PIRATED

THE MQ’S HISTORY OF HALLOWEEN

6, 7

STUDY FINDS NOTHING NEW, INTERESTING FOX NEWS LAYS OFF STAFF TO WEAKEN OBAMA’S JOBS RECORD

8 10

NEWS IN BRIEF MASTURBATION TOLERANCE CAMPAIGN PREACHES “DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS”

PHOTO BY CODY DONAHUE

“Hey man, remind me to register for the Green Party next year,” this voter said, laughing. “Get it? You know, like weed?” BY JESSI CARR

Production Manager

ollowing months of intensive petitioning, flyering, and repeated viewing of “Adventure Time” while eating Cool Ranch Doritos, thousands of supporters of the controversial Proposition

19 — the failed 2010 ballot measure which attempted to legalize and regulate the sale and possession of cannabis in California — are confident that the measure will pass in the elections this November. Tobin Williams, one of the chairmen of the Yes On 19 campaign, expressed his opti-

mism for the outcome of the November 2 election at a press conference held in his mother’s basement last Friday. “I really do believe that this is our time,” he said, coughing. “We’ve finally managed to overcome all of our differences — we’ve united the indicas and the sativas, NorCal

North Dakota resident George Whitfell has recently gained an international following with his campaign to promote understanding and cooperation between different schools of matsturbation. People from all over the world have flocked to his website to unite under his slogan, “Different Strokes For Different Folks.” “I think there’s too much discrimination against underrepresented types of masturbators,” Whitfell said. “For example, people who enjoy the esoteric sand-and-cantaloupe technique are often the targets of online bul-

and SoCal, the indoors and the outdoors, all in order to — shit, man, what was I talking about?” Many other advocates of the proposition also feel similarly optimistic, but have tak-

See STONERS, page 2

Freshman Shocked at Acquaintances’ Transformations Into Colossal D-Bags During Rush Week

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“I sold my shot glasses to buy you muscle milk,” the student on the left said. “I sold my weights to buy you a ton of Jäger,” the other replied. BY KEVIN CHU Staff Writer

ccording to eyewitness reports, freshman Gregory Chen was stunned to discover that people he had once considered budding acquaintances had suddenly turned into douchebags during Rush Week. “Frankly, I’m just speechless,” Chen stated. “This guy, Daniel, from my math class, he was so nice to me on my first day, but then I saw him standing on Library Walk behind a booth with Greek letters on it, smirking and fistbumping, and my heart just broke.”

Daniel Miyata was not the only potential friend whom Chen lost to Rush Week. Statisticians have confirmed that almost 50 percent of the people Chen had begun to befriend during his first few weeks were in fact already “huge douches,” while another 32 percent were reportedly considering or already in the process of rushing frats. Nationally renowned Douche Specialist Dr. Rusty Bayers says that this phenomenon is not uncommon at all. Bayers reported that during the first few weeks of college, freshmen around the country meet a fraternity member

every 15 minutes on average. In addition, around 84 percent of freshmen start to build relationships with fraternity members before discovering their true douchey nature during Rush Week. “Many freshmen come out of Rush Week as just absolute emotional wrecks,” Bayers said. “Their excitement to make new friends is often ripped out of their beings the moment they see a former acquaintance in a fraternity tank top.” Bayers says that learning to recognize the common subtleties of douchebags is key to avoiding such heartbreak. According to him,

cheap plastic sunglasses, pastel-colored tank tops, cargo shorts, Ryan Gosling-esque hair swoops and intricate knowledge of Jack Johnson’s discography are all common signs of douchebaggery. Library Walk is not the only place that Chen has discovered the true identities of people he once considered to be potential friends. “A lot of my suitemates who used to just stay in their rooms and play StarCraft are rushing and now all they do is talk about hosting huge ‘ragers’ in the suite with their ‘bros,’” Chen said. “I think I’m going to have to move to another suite if this continues.” But for Chen, it just doesn’t seem like going anywhere would be a permanent solution. Earlier this week, Chen had attempted to spend more time away from his suitemates by attending a meeting for the RC Club, but left after seeing that most members greeted each other with head nods, fist bumps and loud shouting. Chen also recalls going to Geisel Library to study, as his suite had become a 24-hour hub for a beer pong tournament, but was equally distracted by a group of loud bros cavorting about “getting out on a raft, getting their bronze on, and drinking a couple of brewskies.” “I just don’t know where to turn or who to trust anymore,” Chen said, holding back tears.

GIANTS SWEEP WORLD SERIES

MAROONED SAILOR STRUGGLES TO CLEAN UNIFORM

Players still too lazy to put toilet seat down at home.

Laundry mishap has him seeing red.

lying. We should all accept masturbators for who they are, no matter their kinks. Some people like jacking off into tube socks. Others prefer manila envelopes. Why can’t we all just be friends?” Whitfell’s website has become a safe haven for self-stimulators to discuss their wanking preferences, experiment with new techniques, and complain about their loneliness. Users typically find their way to the online community via “various activities on the web.” In his spare time, Whitfell, who is unemployed, is a Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master.

BERLUSCONI VOWS NOT TO LET PRISON SENTENCE INTERFERE WITH CAMPAIGN Yesterday, former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi announced that he would not let possible prison time for bribery, abuse of office, false testimony, sex with a minor, corruption, connections with the mafia, and tax fraud interfere with his plan to run once again for prime minister. Berlusconi has been dogged by legal troubles for years as a result of his almost cartoonishly loose interpretation of Italian law, but has always run remarkably clean cam-

paigns, reminding voters, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Berlusconi is reportedly enthusiastic to return to the political sphere after being ousted for hurling a cinder block through the home of his opponent. The former Prime Minister has big plans if he is once again able to take office and expects to finally be free of his legal troubles. Berlusconi also urges female voters and reporters to support him by attending his “Hands-On Politics” carwash fundraiser.

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, GIANT CHAIR CUT INTO SMALLER CHAIRS In an effort to divert money from the chairing budget into administrative paychecks, the University of California Regents have decided to cut the giant chair, a favorite UCSD landmark, into many smaller chairs. “Originally we just planned to move it into a classroom,” UC President Mark Yudof said. “But after putting all those holes in all those ceilings, we realized that it might be easier just to make the chair smaller.” Students have expressed regret at the loss of the giant chair, but also ex-

citement at the prospect of being able to sit in it without the experience being “like some boring, moderately ‘Alice in Wonderland’influenced hallucination.” Others mentioned that though the giant chair was very cool, “now it’s ten chairs, and that’s kind of a lot, I guess.” “Whenever I sit in these chairs, I like to think that I’m part of a long tradition of UCSD students who’ve sat here before me,” environmental engineering major Aimee Kimber said. “And they weren’t paying attention to a class either!”

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October 31, 2012

Nanoengineering Student Inhales Four-Year Project

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

STONERS

en to last-minute campaigning on the streets in order to maximize voter turnout for the all-important election. Although bribes are forbidden under election guidelines, many campaigners took it upon themselves to pass out brownies and hand-rolled cigarettes on street corners in hopes of “sharing the love.” The San Diego Police Department has reportedly arrested upwards of 17 individuals countywide for participating in this illegal form of campaigning. One of these individuals, identified as 47-year-old Susan Lyson, was tackled by police officers after she offered an on-duty policeman what the SDPD describes as “a hit of what appeared to be a jazz cigarette.” According to eyewitnesses, as Lyson was pinned to the ground she shouted, “All this you’re doing to me will be illegal after Tuesday!”, in spite of the fact that no such proposition on the ballot would legalize

handouts or bribery nor criminalize police brutality. Due to the recent rise in “Yes on 19” awareness on social media sites such as Twitter and Tumblr, the state of California has hired extra employees to dispel the hordes of confused voters at the polls, although some believe that, come Election Day, “They’ll all probably forget again, just like they did in 2010.” Despite the fact that Proposition 19 cannot retroactively pass, proponents are undeterred. “With all this time we’ve had to prepare, we’ll surely win. It seems like it’s been years since March when we gathered enough signatures to get this measure on the ballot,” UCSD student and supporter Jeremy Wong explained. “But, hey, I guess that’s what playing Street Fighter IV and listening to ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ on repeat for days on end will do to you.” “Did you know that they synch up?” he added.

TOP TEN

Unforeseen Consequences of Giving Your Grandmother a Chainsaw For Her Birthday PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“One nano-death is a tragedy,” nanoengineering professor Ioseb Dzughashvilli said. “A million nano-deaths is a statistic.” BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM Staff Writer

his week, fourth-year nanoengineering major Nora Lawrenceson launched an academic appeal unprecedented in University of California, San Diego history when she contested her failing grade in an upper division chemical engineering class on the basis that “the course materials were unfairly small and easy to accidentally inhale.” “I am not alone in this struggle,” Lawrenceson said. “Nanoengineering majors nationwide have been waiting for the right time to launch this protest for years now, but, unfortunately, our balls have also been unfairly small.” According to Lawrenceson

and her supporters, this appeal represents a great push forward for nanoengineering student rights a long time in the making. “Who else but us are unjustly forced to deal with the constant, oppressive stress of needing to check that your precious project is still in the lab and not circulating around inside someone’s body? Nobody! Well, nobody except for that mechanical engineer who accidentally ate his car last year, of course.” Protesters say that unintentional imbibement is not the only hazard facing today’s nanoengineering students. “Though the lungs are the most frequent annihilators of nano-scale projects, ceiling fans, open windows, and vacuum cleaners are also common culprits,” Lawrenceson said. “The vacuum bags that

the janitors throw away every day from the Structural and Materials Engineering building must be worth thousands of dollars.” Lawrenceson shared with reporters the circumstances surrounding the tragic accident that claimed her project. “I was in the final stage of constructing my project when I blinked slightly too fast,” she said. The resulting torrent of wind lifted the project off of the lab bench and into the air, where it was caught by the force of Lawrenceson’s inhalation. Despite the tragic loss Lawrenceson and many other nanoengineering students have endured, Peter Nobele, Associate Professor of Chemical Engineering, told a different story. So many individuals at UCSD have accidentally in-

haled nanoengineered projects that the department has now been able to conduct a legitimate study of their effects on the respiratory system. “In fact, it turns out that inhaling a student project can often cure many respiratory ailments. I suppose that’s the silver metal coating on the suspended water droplet formation!” Nobele said before awkwardly chuckling for several minutes. A growing number of students hope to use this newly discovered phenomenon to their advantage. “I heard that nanonengineering students who inhaled their projects had reduced asthma symptoms,” Theodore Brussles, third year theater major said. “So I’m just going to pour a bunch of chemicals into a petri dish and huff that.”

10. Isn’t allowed back in her nursing home 9. You haven’t seen her bridge partner in three weeks 8. Can chop her own firewood, is once again an independent woman 7. She murdered the uncle you didn’t expect 6. Tries to pick up younger men at “the forest” 5. Her Parkinson’s is now twice as dangerous 4. Finally has something more scary than her feet 3. Starts referring to her hearing aid collection as trophies 2. She’s dead, nothing you lay at her grave will bring her back 1. Can now kill people without driving

Editor-in-Chief......................Creepy Donahue Managing Editor..........................Monica Died Design Editor....................Grave-Robbin’ Betz Content Editor.......Abandoned Shack Beegan Distribution Captain....................Avi KaBOOni Graphics Editor........Bloody Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor...............Ryan Guts Copy Editor................................Scare-it Chan

Business Editor..........................Brains! Damp Production Manager.....................Messy Scar Web Editor...................................Ben Scream MQ Dad...........................Severd Hand-a Weil MQ Mom...................................Death Traynor MQ Golden Retriever.........Zac Haunted Hotel Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Royal Temptress.......................Shara Worden

Staff Members Farah Abouzeid Chris Aldama Sandra Amon Sam Bartleman Dylan Blackie Miranda Bohm Corey Breier Connor Brew Alex Brown Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes

Your face! It’s just so – so – AIUGHHHHHHHHHH! Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.. First, our computers get stolen. Then, some guy in China buys our website (and won’t return my e-mails!). But the one thing we’re always have is production, that manvelously busy weekend we all just shared. Special thanks goes to Robin for designing the issue while sick with a nasty cold that she’ll probably give me, Brian for volunteering his computer, Bora for running graphics and Jessi and Jack for content. Plus a shout out to Avi, who’s about to do his first distro. Thanks for rising to the occasion, and I can’t wait to see you in your jacket. But the real stars of this issue are the new members. Three cheers to everyone who showed up, and a little extra special recognition to Sandra for plastering her face all over backpage, and to Andrew and Kevin for still being here, even as most of the senior staff have left. I’ve been very impressed by all of the articles, graphics, designing and sex jokes. I see so much potential in all of you, and I sure hope you’ll continue to waste it on us!

Wesley Chan Sora Chee Rosa Cho Kevin Chu Janine Davis Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Chase Donnally Daniel Early Dylan Everingham Alison Gilchrist

Aurnik Islam Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Ayan Kusari Tom Li Trev Malone Josh Marxen Adil Mistry Kimberly Nguyen Christina Nguyen

Elizabeth O’Neil Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Booster Club

Jessi brought cookies, Momo brought the humhum, Elizabeth showed up with Scrabble Cheez-its, Ryan offered Connor for sacrifice, and Brian came through with everyone’s least favorite production food. And thanks to Andrew, Garrett, Ayan, Avi, Ryan, Elizabeth, and Connor for the dining dollars – guess those lower classmen are good for something after all! To the man in Shanghai who now owns our website, thank you. Thank you so much. But I am coming for you, and you’d better watch out. Most importantly, a huge special thanks to MCC for saving our asses after some asshole stole our computers. You guys are the best. And your meetings are at least 10 times better than AS Meetings. Keep it up!.

October 31, 2012

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Woman Torn Between Smiling Terrible Candidate, Somber Terrible Candidate

Page 3

EDITORIAL

Letter From Happy American, Not Spy

BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER Staff Writer

ast Tuesday, 38-year-old dental hygienist Maggie Schiller declared her intention to vote for Smiling Terrible Candidate, withdrawing her support for Somber Terrible Candidate. According to Schiller, her decision comes after weeks of researching and “watching the TV that’s been muted on C-SPAN since my assistant Elise kicked the remote under the X-ray machine sometime last spring.” On her difficulty in making a decision, Schiller said that while she praised Somber Terrible Candidate’s “commitment to providing healthcare to all who can pay for it, like braces for little Bryan here,” she was “put off by the resigned grimace he’s been walking around with lately.” By contrast, Schiller said that she is “energized by Smiling Terrible Candidate’s calcified smile-sneer and mischievous snicker.” She went on to state, “His constant platform-changing and truthmanufacturing keep me on my toes.” “Bryan, spit!” Schiller added. An October study showed that despite their contrasting countenances, both presidential candidates could be described as “male,” “probably living humans,” and “almost identical on issues such as corporate regulation and the War on Terror.” Schiller, however, insisted that the nominees’ policies did not confuse her like they have

BY COMRADE DMITRI IVANOV Woke Up From A Coma

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Now that Shepard Fairey endorses both candidates, my decision is so much more difficult,” area woman Maggie Schiller said. many voters. “It actually makes things easier,” Schiller observed. “It pretty much seems like both candidates are running on a platform of passing blame and maintaining the status quo, so we don’t have to worry about that. When it comes to personality, though, I just want someone with a nice big smile — and in that respect, Smiling Terrible Candidate definitely delivers.” One of Schiller’s patients, Bryan Blankenship, 13, asked Schiller why the debates and election this year were so fixated on the candidates’ body language and appearance. “Because neither candi-

date intends to make meaningful changes on behalf of the American people, but, hey, let’s get you some fluoride,” Schiller replied. “You want a Highlights magazine to read?” “If I could choose any president I wanted,” Schiller said, “I’d choose Cackling Amtrak Passenger from the vice-presidential debate. I mean, look at his enamel! There’s little-to-no erosion! Did you hear me? Little to none!” “On the other hand, Unblinking Midwesterner intimidates me,” she added. “He looked at me through camera like he couldn’t wait to shoot and field-dress me right in my

living room.” Barring the highly unlikely victory of a third party candidate, voters must face the idea of having one of these terrible candidates as head of state for the next four years. “I have no doubt that the next for years will be exactly as awful as the candidates are indicating,” Schiller said. Still, Schiller’s broad perspective has given her a limited degree of optimism. “Whatever happens,” she said, “I’m just relieved that [former president] Nuclear Cocaine Monkey and [former governor of Alaska] Gun-wielding Winter Milf aren’t in the running this time around.”

ou may ask “how you write this letter”. I do not know. I wake up in hospital, everyone speak English instead of Russian, and they almost got me to take painkiller. I think I am in Alaska because is too warm. That mean am in America, deep in enemy territory near president. I still notice few things about America. Back in old country we did not have entire row for soda drink. We had one kind of soda, no carbonation. I remember simple times of waiting in line hoping they did not run out of rations. Now you go to supermarket and cannot make up mind with choice. America is bogged down with choice. America is weak. While America think it make good beer, average citizen could not beat kindergartener at vodka drink game. The rule of game is drink vodka. Drink and drive is bad bad crime in America, but average worker not allowed to operate heavy machinery sober in old country. In old country vodka is staple and necessary. Water freezes before it come out of sink.

Government was close to pass law to have vodka in pipes. To think Americans think we would bother to add stupid fluorine molecule their water. I cannot say if mind control exist or not exist in old country but American are paranoid. They think Manchurian candidate real thing. Little kid can disprove. Also I not proud to admit but America did land on moon. Kennedy was conspiracy but spy satellite show flag on moon. I am being told America has won Cold War and Soviet Union is no more. I not sure this is truth because Soviet Union is forever. Soviet Union should be stronger, not weaker. Back in old country America did not win “cold” war. American do not know cold. A warm summer is bad American winter. I am hearing about soup can be warmed. Moscow just stopped caring about pointless race to build more missile in order to feed its people. We had so many missile that local officials began to take missile for payment when no money. They say America has “right to bear arm” but we had right to bear missile. In old country there no secrets. If pregnant, government know before you. Then not surprise that government know my location is hospital. My mission continues still. Look for code in letter to find exact status report. If were in old country, my letter would be “improved” and everything I tell you may not reach you. So far no one over my shoulder to read letter, so you may read all I write. If true, tell Vladimir I plant bug on chief of medicine.

TOP TEN

Things You Can Say About Facebook That You Can’t Say About Your Father

Rumored Cult Actually A Cappella Group

10. Allows you to block unwanted contact 9. Takes you fishing on weekends 8. Always remembers your birthday 7. Allows you to change sexual orientation to “gay” 6. Asks you what you’re thinking 5. Has net worth 4. Is sober most of the time 3. Hasn’t been dead for the last 20 years 2. Allows you to communicate with your boyfriend 1. You can legally disable it PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

Despite the mutilated corpse of the dead goat, the group’s rendition of “What a Wonderful World” wowed the audience. BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

eeking to dispel recent rumors, newly established a cappella group S.A.T.A.N. (Singing Acappella to Assuage our Narcissism) has released a statement negating the widely held belief that they are a cult group. “S.A.T.A.N. accepts everyone, regardless of former affiliations,” founder and baritone Al Crowley said. “All we ask is dedication. And a lot of it.” “By dedication, we mean a liability waiver, 21 practice hours a week, and a signed contract stipulating you will wear a bow tie whenever and wherever you are at a moment’s notice,” he added. But it appears Crowley did not tell the entire story, and reports tell of rules and

rituals that eyewitnesses have called “shocking, even for a group of people so masochistic they’re still singing songs from ‘Cats.’” Another member, however, was more forthright in speculating as to why the group might have been construed as an occult religious organization. “I’ll admit,” S.A.T.A.N alto 1 Antonia LaVey said, “a few of us spent some time trying to commune with the Dark Lord, but who wouldn’t sell their soul to be on ‘The Sing-Off’?” “Or break into the coveted Top 15 A Cappella Groups at UCSD list the Tritones publish in their end-of-the-year concert programs,” LaVey added. “Somehow they always get first, though. That always strikes me as a little suspicious.” Anonymous sources have

spoken of the group’s secretive traditions, including tattooing a circle-of-fifths around each member’s left nipple, buying matching striped ties in bulk and subjecting prospective members to brutal initiation in which they must endure an entire minute of each S.A.T.A.N. member singing his or her favorite a cappella Lady Gaga/ Journey mash-up simultaneously. “S.A.T.A.N.? Yeah, you could say they have what we in the a cappella world call ‘an image problem,’” the beat soprano 2 Karla Huang said. “They only perform in RIMAC woods and they start each recital with a blood sacrifice.” “And did I mention they never wear suspenders?” she continued. “Never. There’s definitely something wrong with that group of people.”

According to the Center for Student Involvement, there are currently 53 registered a cappella groups on campus, down from 59 last year. Records indicate that four groups were Christian a cappella groups that folded after learning “Glee” star Jane Lynch was a lesbian. The other two capitulated following separate “Gangnam Style” rendition accidents that left a total of 17 dead and 12 wounded. No stranger to the dangerous world of unaccompanied vocal music, the a cappella community on campus continues to grow stronger, with dozens of fearless singers auditioning each quarter, desperately seeking to prove once and for all to their childhood piano teachers that they are not, in fact, “devoid of even the slightest musical talent.”

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Raising a Kid and Writing a Lab Report 10. Halfway through you split with your partner 9. You’ll be in trouble if you keep neglecting it 8. Only dumb people really enjoy it 7. Staring at it for a while won’t accomplish anything 6. Takes so much longer than you’d like 5. Doesn’t actually help you get into med school 4. The crying keeps you up all night 3. Teaching it to use the toilet is really difficult 2. Have to do it because you squeezed your liquids into some stupid tube 1. You’re still angry at your TA for losing it

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Page 4

Pirate Bay Servers Pirated

October 31, 2012

POINT

I’m a Living Pussy Magnet BY CHAD NEELY

Devoid of Self-Esteem Issues

“Everyone to the lifeboats!” Captain Samuel Cavendish yelled. “Women and porn first!” BY ANDREW DENERIS Staff Writer

n a move that has stunned the online community, the Pirate Bay reported that its servers have been attacked by software pirates. These socalled “pirate pirates” have even established an online repository for their newly pirated goods, which they have tentatively named “Some Other Place for All Our Pirated Shit.” The organization’s senior member, Gottfrid Warg, who is currently awaiting trial on copyright violation charges, was nonetheless quick to condemn the attack as “a disgraceful action that mocks everything that we software pirates stand for.” “We feel violated; we worked very hard to pirate the

material on our website, and we are shocked that it has been duplicated and made available elsewhere without our permission,” Warg said. “We have asked the U.S. government to act on our behalf and put a stop to this kind of thing.” The United States Senate Subcommittee on Internet Affairs was quick to respond, proposing a new piece of legislation entitled, “The Stop Online Piracy of Piracy Act,” or “SOPOPA.” “This bill would impose harsh penalties on those who violate the rights to pirated intellectual or digital property,” Senator Christian Thomas (R-RI), subcommittee chairman and sponsor of the bill, said. “It’s sickening to think that someone, somewhere out there wishes to victimize

these innocent pirates.” Some in the government, however, appeared not to fully understand the situation unfolding in the dangerous frontiers of the “net.” Upon hearing of piracy occurring in Sweden — the home of the Pirate Bay — the President immediately ordered a naval contingent to be dispatched to Stockholm. “First Somalia, now Sweden. What’s next, Tajikistan?” President Obama asked. Upon learning the piracy was virtual, Obama recalled “most” of the dispatched ships, leaving others in order to “send a message to those goddamn nerds.” “We found bin Laden,” the President said. “You think we can’t follow a trail of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos crumbs back to

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

some loser’s apartment?” However, such efforts to bring the new pirates to justice has incurred strong backlash. A “Stop Persecution of Pirate Piraters” rally was held on the National Mall and drew massive crowds of young, impressionable activists. “I found out about what the government is doing to these brave pirates about five minutes ago — I was just at a rally to free Julian Assange — and I was so outraged that I came straight here!” demonstrator Brianna Heath said. It is unclear at this point who is responsible for the attack on the Pirate Bay. Rumors have circulated in the wake of the incident, but many believe it to be the work of original copyright holders themselves.

Congress Declares Candy Corn a Vegetable, Childhood Obesity Solved

he females have never been able to stay away from me. I can hardly walk across the street without a herd of ladies tackling me, nipples-first. It can be difficult to keep track of them all, sometimes. Often I’ll wake up and discover hair all over my pillow — hair that didn’t come from my head. I used to ask myself, “Where did all this hair come from?”, but now I hardly notice it. I’ve simply come to accept that the fairer sex can’t resist my bed, and that I’ll never go to sleep alone again, probably. Sometimes I’ll come home from work, exhausted, collapse into my easy chair, and before I know it, two or three sleek, soft girls are in my lap, begging for my attention. I don’t know how they get in! I suppose I’m just so irresistible that things like locks and the laws of physics aren’t enough

to keep the ladies at bay. In any case, I’m not a selfish guy. I caress them and they’re sated for a time. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not surprised you’re throwing yourself at me like this. I’m used to it by now. It’s difficult to keep up with the vast amounts of female attention I receive, but I’ve got a lot of love to give, and I’m more than willing to put in a little extra effort for someone as charming as you. The only thing left to ask is: ribbed or flavored?

COUNTERPOINT

You’re Covered in Cats BY BERNADETTE WALKEN

Was Never Interested

’m flattered, but seriously, there are like three cats on you right now. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to have them in this bar. There’s got to be some regulation against having shedding animals in a place that sells food and drink. Where did that fourth cat come from? Are these your pets? There’s one on your head now. It’s, it’s just sitting on your head. How can you not notice that? Is your clothing made of catnip? Do you have some sort of weird, like, genetic mutation? It’s just really bizarre how much they — what the hell, was that calico here before? How can they smell you from way out on the street? How are they even getting in here? I find this whole “crazy cat ladies’ man” thing pretty fascinating, but, no, you can’t have my number. I don’t think

I could ever have a normal relationship with someone who can’t keep cats off his ... I think there’s one inside your shirt now. That, um ... that doesn’t bother you? Anyway, I’m highly allergic to cats. It’s nice that you don’t care if I sneeze on your face but seriously, there’s no way this can work. For the last time, no, you can’t buy me a drink. You smell like cat litter. Anyway, I’m going to go talk to that guy outside with the pitbull. He seems cool.

TOP FIFTEEN

Polling Booth Pick-Up Lines

Lobbyists for both candy and corn industries are seeking class action lawsuits. BY WESLEY CHAN Staff Writer

n an attempt to curb childhood obesity, the United States Department of Agriculture successfully lobbied Congress to categorize candy corn as a vegetable. The revised USDA-approved food plate guide will now depict handfuls of candy corn next to the broccoli and carrots. “With these new diagrams, we can show America’s future that candy corn and other traffic cone-shaped sweets are to be avoided at all costs,” a spokesperson for the USDA said. “By labeling candy corn as a vegetable, children will avoid sweets with the same finesse with which they do avoid that unmarked van down the street.”

Before approaching Congress with their proposal, the USDA conducted a year-long study that tracked the candy purchasing and consumption habits of children across the country between the ages of seven and 18. The study found that in addition to losing interest in candy corn after being falsely informed that the product contained actual corn, children were more likely to stay away from other misleadingly-named candies such as Baby Ruths and Swedish Fish. “I used to eat a bowl of candy corn every day before chatting it up with the fairer sex,” wrote an anonymous sixth grader from Bayview Elementary. “But when I found out that candy corn became a vegetable, I threw my person-

al stash out the window. What would my friends think? That I actually eat healthy? Now I’ll never get invited to birthday parties. I should have quit cold turkey the day after Halloween — nobody eats this stuff anyways.” Despite the average weight of the country’s youth dropping by half a pound during the Halloween season last year, according to the study, experts are concerned with the increasing proportions of candy corn and other seasonal confections decorating landfills. Members of the United States Green Party proposed that the excess candy corn be used as an alternative fuel for motor vehicles and cooking instruments, but were promptly ushered away from the Capitol building se-

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

curity line before finishing their argument. After having its stock prices drop 50 percent in three consecutive days, Brach’s Confections, the largest distributor of candy corn in the country, issued a statement to its shareholders: “It is a tragedy that our company is no longer trusted to provide emotional comfort to the scarred children of today’s modern society. We will be discontinuing our traditional candy corn line in favor of trendier treats, like caffeinated taffies and corrosive sugar particles.” While this announcement might be comforting to those on Wall Street, many economists worry that such a move will increase the already high turnover rate in Chuck E. Cheese employees.

15. You can’t be younger than 18 … I think 14. So, uh, you come here often? 13. I’ve been known to work both sides of the aisle, if you get my drift 12. You’re making my chad hang 11. I wouldn’t be opposed to a third party candidate 10. You know what else old people get really excited about? 9. Caucus? I hardly know us! 8. You must be a Democrat, because you got a fine ass 7. I don’t normally hang out in elementary school auditoriums 6. You may not think I’m a good fit, but I’ll gerrymander my way in 5. Whoever wins, we’re all screwed anyways 4. Nice “I Voted” sticker. Let’s fuck 3. The last time I came was four years ago 2. Where are you registered? ‘Cause you look like you don’t mind going south 1. Is that a voter’s guide in your pants, or is your penis just thin and papery?

MQ? How about M You!

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October 31, 2012

New Charity Supports Students Who Have Donated Too Much Money on Library Walk

Page 5

EDITORIAL

My A.S. LECTURE NOTES are in Danger of Being CANCELLED?

BY DARREN SCHMIDT Average Student

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Independent sources have verified this shanty town as the first instance of CALPIRG protecting students from anything, even if only from the elements. BY ALLIE KIEKHOFER Staff Writer

his week, a new group of clipboard-wielding, poloclad canvasses were seen approaching students on Library Walk. The organization, not to be confused with the more popular United Nations-backed group, is named UNICEF — Undergraduates Needing Immediate Cents, Edifices, and Food. The charity’s goal, as stated by UNICEF founder and UCSD senior Jessica Nathan, is to “address and provide aid to the growing number of students who have been pushed into poverty and homelessness after donating to nonprofits on Library Walk.” Nathan decided to found UNICEF this January when her best friend and roommate moved out of the apartment they shared, leaving behind only a note that said, “I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t throw out the donation

appreciation cup holder that UNHCR is mailing to me. I’m sorry.” “I kind of saw this coming,” Nathan said. “When we first walked down Library Walk as freshmen, she didn’t turn down a single flyer. And even when we walked by a recycling bin, she didn’t throw any away.” Some students have been hit harder than others. Another library walk victim, freshman David Ro, lost his phone at a party. “Since I wasn’t texting, I accidentally made eye contact with one of the Oxfam International people on Library Walk,” Ro said. “15 minutes later, I’d pledged to donate $25 a month.” By the end of the week, Ro had pledged to donate to 11 different nonprofits. “I was so broke I couldn’t afford a new phone, and with the charities taking more money out of my account, I stopped being able to pay rent,” Ro said. “I lived in Price Center for a while, where there was plenty

of food. I’d just go to TapEx at night and eat from their storage locker of pre-fried crispy chicken.” Ro was forcibly removed from Price Center after he was caught stealing money from students in order to keep up with his UNHCR pledge payments. He then moved to CLICS, but after it underwent renovations in March, he was forced to find somewhere new. “One great thing about budget cuts,” Ro said, “is that buildings are being closed down — and to us, opened up — every day.” UNICEF wants to provide stability for these nomadic students and initiate preventative measures to keep numbers down. Construction of a UNICEF refugee camp for homeless students is already in the works in the eucalyptus forest east of Geisel Library. “Additional funding will provide students with sunglasses and decoy cell phones so they can pretend to text and avoid eye contact with

canvassers,” Nathan said. “In the future, we hope to partner with the CSO escort service to provide students with a posse of people to surround them as they go down Library Walk.” UNICEF also plans to compile informational booklets with helpful phrases for students to use to evade canvassers, such as, “My class starts in five minutes,” “I’m on my way to get tested for syphilis,” and “I have to take my fetal pig out of the toaster oven.” Nathan hopes to expand UNICEF to other campuses in the future. “Eventually, we want to initiate a statewide emergency helicopter service to locate students who are talking to canvassers and give them a courtesy airlift to safety,” she said. For now, Nathan wants to start small. “We want to start out a local charity,” Nathan said, “So for now, we’re just going to try to raise funds by canvassing on Library Walk.”

Falling Star Hit by Falling Star, Lindsay Lohan Fans Devastated BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL Staff Writer

ormer actress turned train wreck Lindsay Lohan is in the hospital once again, this time recovering from an unfortunate meteorite incident last Friday outside of Club Med, a high-end Los Angeles dance establishment known for its pharmaceuticals. Only after Lohan reacted did the paparazzi notice anything wrong due to camera flashes initially masking the light from the burning rock. This episode is just the latest in a series of embarrassing events for the former “Mean Girls” star. Outside the bubble of Hollywood and the B-list celebrity blogosphere, there was little knowledge of Lohan’s injury, and one paparazzo noted, “It’s almost as if people are focusing on more important things, like the election and what Katy Perry wore last night.” Despite her shrinking fandom, Lohan’s loyal fans still devote more time than is generally considered socially acceptable to the actor’s daily life and hourly activities. Self-proclaimed super-fan Hattie Jones was seen hyperventilating outside of the hospital just hours after Lohan was admitted. “I don’t understand why they won’t let me in,” Jones gasped

PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

“Oh, man,” Lohan said. “I’m higher than that time I switched bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis and kissed that old dude from ‘NCIS’!” in between breaths into a paper bag. “I know Lindsay better than she knows herself. She is my life!” While Jones’ words are disturbing to most, they are not a rare occurrence

amongst Lohan’s few but fervent supporters. While these fanatics lack in quantity, they are overabundant in quality zeal and devout to no end. Even with further disfigurement a possibility,

this incident did nothing to dispel their loyalty. According to avid fan Rachel Tyler, “We will love her even more because of this. I think I’ll bake her a cake filled with rainbows and smiles so she can eat and be happy.” Some of Lohan’s critics took a different stance on the whole incident, claiming that it must have been a hoax. Jack Rowan, president of the Paris Hilton Fan Club, stated, “With the odds of being hit by a falling star so low, this must have been a ploy for sympathy.” Whether a stunt or not, Lohan’s career and following have not yet improved since the incident and many wonder if they ever will. With every lapse and rehab visit, fewer people bat an eye at Lohan’s antics and many wonder if this will help recover her image with the compassion her situation may bring. Either way, the star’s path to recovery for both her image and health will be a long one with many speculating this incident will only set it back. Historically, Lohan is only the third known person to survive a meteorite’s direct hit. “At least if her career is forgotten, she will forever be remembered in the scientific world,” astronomer Felicia Jane noted. “And I suppose that you could say the irony of that is cosmic.”

h, my god. My A.S. Lecture Notes are in danger of being cancelled? In danger? Of being cancelled? Oh, shit. Oh, sweet Jesus. What am I going to do? Wait, wait, okay, I can deal with this. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Oh shit, was I supposed to breathe in or out? Oh god, why didn’t I write this down? Why didn’t someone write it down for me? How can I live in a world where people don’t write things down for me? In. Out. In. Out. Okay. Got it. False alarm. Okay, I can deal with this. This is fine. It’s going to be so, so fine. I mean, who needed A.S. Lecture notes? I can totally pass this class without them. Absolutely. I mean, I can kind of read my handwriting, if I’m lucky. Maybe I should try writing with my left hand. I think my suitemate is in this class. Maybe he

can take notes for me. Oh, why would they do this to me? Do they know how hard I work to stay up all night so that I’m too tired to go to my 2 p.m. lecture? Does anyone even appreciate all of the work I put into skipping this class? Am I going to have to start going again? Oh god, oh god, I’m going to fail. I am going to fail this class, and then my parents are going to kill me and my GPA will be ruined and I’ll never get to be a certified public accountant for as long as I live. Oh man, oh man. What am I going to do with my life? It’s too late to become a pre-med! Maybe law. I hear that has a lot of good possibilities. No, shh, just breathe, damn it. I can get through this. Maybe everyone else will order A.S. Lecture Notes too. They can’t be that selfish. I bet they’re not even going to class either. Man, it’s so unfair that a bunch of people can just ruin it for one guy, you know? Okay, cool, calm collected. I got this. It’s time to take charge. Tomorrow, I’m going to look up what lecture hall that class is in, and then I’m going to find it on the map. And then, I’m going to march right in there and demand that one of those freshmen start taking notes for me. Yeah, I like that. Sounds good. Who needs A.S. Lecture Notes anyway?

TOP FIFTEEN

Ways Your Sex Life Is Like Editing a Paper 15. You never have enough time to do it 14. The internet makes it look so much easier 13. You would think it would be automated by now 12. By the time you’re done, you can’t believe it was you who did all that 11. If you go to UCSD, chances are you’re not very good at it 10. You learned how to do it from your mom’s weird friend 9. It’s better if you’re being choked 8. No matter how hard you work, always ends in disappointment 7. The people who talk about it the most are the ones who never do it 6. Writing workshop groups are less helpful than you would hope 5. People make fun of you for crying, but they just don’t understand how you feel 4. You always abuse the colon 3. You’ll have to get good at it if you want to get anything published 2. You always try harder when you want to impress your professor 1. A period means stop Your 47% of a person costume is clever, but you’ll only get to wear it once. This Public Service Announcement brought to you by

THE

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

Page 6

THE

October 31, 2012

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MQ’S HISTORY OF

Halloween’s D

HALLOWEEN

1929 is a year that will go down in the annals of Ha cause it shares the number 29 with Halloween Eve E into an uncertain time, and some believed that the m lost forever. Among the most notable mom

The suicide victim costume reaches unprecedented popularity among failed investors.

Origins

In 741 C.E., Joe Halloween decided to commemorate his father’s passing in a freak pumpkin accident by disemboweling “each and ev’ry one of yon’ pulpy Satan-orbs in righteous vengeance.” This tradition continued quietly until 762, when Halloween devised the custom of free candy to recruit others to his mission of total pumpkin annihilation.

The great pumpkin famine hits in 1939; street sweepers, no longer needed to clean up pumpkin chunks, lose their only day of employment.

Jack o’ lantern production increases with the invention of the cotton gin.

Germans use worthless banknotes to dress as mummies.

The term “rock candy” is redefined to denote any rock that can fit in human mouth. Rock candy popularity skyrockets.

Leonardo da Vinci reaches peak of halloween crossdressing, immortalizes moment in his painting “Mona Lisa.”

Luckily, this terrible time comes to an end when Franklin Delano Roosevelt hears about “some totally off-the-hook Halloween rager” happening in Europe.

“O ah tw th ha

Bolshevik Revolutionaries ov trick-or-treat in rich neighb

The Middle Ages 741 C.E.

1823 1506

1847

1793

1918

Joseph Smith claims concerned parent dressed as angel appears to him, commands him to move to Utah and begin “trunk-or-treating” tradition.

Golden Age of Halloween

Teepeeing: throw teepees someone’s house

The Middle Ages are often referred to as the Dark Ages – but not for the reason everyone assumes! In fact, this name comes from the raucous Halloween celebrations that the time period was known for. For example, what we think of as battle armor actually originated as a slutty knight costume – you can almost see the eyes! Here’s a few more of the most significant events from the long celebration.

Witches use the unceasing holiday as a chance to dress as people, eat children with impunity.

Uncomfortable metal costumes gain popularity with peasants, are later classified as torture devices by Renaissance wimps.

Pope discovers non-Catholics have best candy, Crusades ensue for 500 years.

The many conflicts, diseases, and lack of sanitation results in the most readily available supply of realistic skeletons and corpses in human history. People everywhere rejoice.

Costume makeup not yet invented, causing dedicated Halloweeners to experiment with cosmetic diseases. Unrelatedly, bubonic plague spreads throughout Europe.

Trick

Sexy apothecary

Although Halloween’s earliest incarnations neglecte with the bribery of candy, John Halloween’s grandso tradition in 801 when a bucket of water balanced ab fell on revelers hoping to collect candy. Ever since, th

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Dark Age

Page 7

Best Halloween Ever

alloween history, and not only beEve. The country found itself thrust magic of free chocolate would be ments of the Dark Age:

What is it about 2005 that made this the most amazing, the most momentous Halloween in human history? It certainly couldn’t have been a conspiracy by the world’s top officials to deliver a moment of pure bliss to the people, could it? Maybe not. Maybe I’ll just stop talking now. Look at these events and decide for yourself.

Osama bin Laden gets into the holiday spirit by ding dong ditching the American Embassy in London.

Mysterious Wall Street trading practices flood market with cheap bags of flaming shit.

Due to daylight saving time mixup, Halloween occurs on Christmas.

Danielle Avila of Rio Rancho, New Mexico discovers word that rhymes with “orange,” forgets it next morning.

Chocolate subsidy accidentally Marshall Mathers mistakenly given to 7 year stapled to reauthorization of PATRIOT Act. old.

One! Ah ah ah ah! Two! Ah h ah! Two apples! We have wo apples for dinner, kids,” his woman is reported to ave told her children.

Ayn Rand publishes influential anti-trick-or-treating novel, “Atlas Shrugged.”

Convince your sibling that a Jar Jar Binks costume is a good idea.

verzealously borhoods.

1952

1963

The Great Depression

1957

all over

ed to combine devious practical jokes along on Johannes first accidentally introduced the bove the doorframe to his shack mistakenly he two have been unmistakably intertwined.

Ask Ronald Reagan where he is.

1988

2001 1997

Providence, Rhode Island resident Johnny Bartek’s dead JFK costume funny, tasteful, strangely prophetic.

Decorate the stingy houses with communist paraphernalia.

“Harry Potter” published, everybody dresses up as stupid magic orphan for next 15 years.

1999

2005

Invest parents’ money in Enron.

Future Don’t you fear, Halloween will never leave us. Our descendants will still be living it up, scaring small children, and making them cry, all in the spirit of Halloween. Because they’ve never forgotten John Halloween’s original message: “Somebody needs to support the candy industry, and by gum, everybody is the person to do it.” Well, actually, they get a little off-message. But just look at all the fun they’re having!

Cockroach overlord costume becomes immensely popular before brutal hegemonywide crackdown.

1 4 2

Saudi Arabia legalizes Halloween for married men over the age of 50. Job-haver costume becomes increasingly difficult to pull off. Due to the end of privacy, everyone now knows just how ugly you are under your

mask.

Mike and Ike divorce two years after earning right to marry.

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UCSD Freshman Discovers God, Korean Barbecue on Library Walk

October 31, 2012

Green Party and Libertarian Party Vie For Third Party Candidacy

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

“The wages of sin are death,” one Library Walk evangelist said. “The wages of KBBQ? A very reasonable five dollars per bowl.” BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

n his way to class last Wednesday, freshman Patrick Newsom discovered Library Walk to be populated with students tabling for a wide variety of organizations, ranging from Campus Crusade for Christ to Korean Campus Crusade for Christ. Attempting to be polite, he took every flier that was handed to him, agreed to buy Korean barbecue because he was told to do so, and promptly promised to attend three separate 4 a.m. masses. “This guy said that it would be the best tasting Korean barbecue I’d ever have, but I think he was lying,” Newsom said. “I mean, it was

the first time I had eaten it, so it was the best I’ve had … and the worst.” Newsom claims this episode was his first experience braving Library Walk. “After continually being half an hour late to class I asked around to see if there was a faster route, and people said just to go down Library Walk. They also told me that you have to agree to everything people ask along the way,” he remarked. “I even noticed that my roommate, John, refused a flier, so I reported him to my RA.” Having missed all three masses he had promised to attend, Newsom turned to the man holding accusatory Christian signs at the end of Library Walk for advice. “They all call him ‘Crazy

Jesus Guy,’ but he didn’t come off like that to me. Sure he’s rough around the edges and claims eternal hellfire and damnation for all of us, but nobody’s perfect.” Newsom was able to ease his conscience, as he was able to repent on condition that he shunned the “Devil’s instruments of sin,” such as “promiscuity,” “academia,” and “round wheels.” Since discovering Library Walk, Newsom says has been overwhelmed with the number of fliers he has been collecting and accumulating in his dorm room. At one point Patrick had considered throwing out some unimportant pamphlets, but came to his senses when he realized he might miss up to seven blood drives.

Recently, club heads have begun taking notice of Newsom’s eagerness to take fliers and express interest in any given pre-professional fraternity. While each club’s aim is to get members to join and spread their cause, they have begun refusing to hand Patrick fliers for his enthusiasm. “There’s this one kid who has taken a flier from me every day in the last week, despite it being the same one and not even applying to him,” Ken Saito, president of the Japanese Student Association, said. “The amount of student organizations on this campus is astounding,” Patrick said. “Hey, between you and me, I only read half of them. But don’t tell anyone.”

Study Finds Nothing New, Interesting

“You might get 0.03 percent of the vote,” Stein said, “but I’m going to kick 100 percent of your ass.” BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

ensions have been rising throughout the nation as Mitt Romney and Barack Obama face off in the November 6 presidential election. Bitterly opposed but unflaggingly polite, they represent two parties fighting for ultimate political supremacy. However this election, which will determine the fate of millions, the most important question on the minds of the American people is who will come in third place, Jill Stein or Gary Johnson? Across the country, voters anticipate the unpredictable contest for second runner-up as Green Party nominee Jill Stein and Libertarian Party nominee Gary Johnson compete in what may be the tightest election in years. “We’re really coming down to the wire here,” Ron Nielson, political strategist for Gary Johnson’s campaign, said. “People all over the world are watching us, and we plan to show them what it really means to be third most popular.” Stein’s campaign is equally impassioned. “We’ve got this in the bag,” campaign manager Ben Manski said. “Gary Johnson isn’t going to know what hit him until he’s left with nothing but 0.20 percent of the popular vote and a big fat loser sign on his forehead. Meanwhile, we sweep 0.27 percent and bring in the bitches and the booze.” American third parties have always raised hot debate among voters. “Who are these people?” voter Jim Blest asked, succinctly expressing voter-held distrust of any politician’s integrity. “No, really, who are they? I’ve never

heard these names.” “Wait, Gary Johnson? I went to high school with that guy,” he added. “How’s Gary these days? Last I heard he moved in with his folks.” Many voters flock to third parties looking for answers to questions the major party candidates won’t discuss. “Gary Johnson voted in 2011 to let people drive 75 mph and buy beer on Sundays,” voter Kim Wile said, who plans to give her vote to the Libertarian party. “Finally, a man who stands up for my values!” “Jill Stein and Gary Johnson both want to create jobs and promote economic growth, so at first I was really confused,” Andy Li, a newly registered voter, said. “But Jill Stein has pretty awesome hair, so I’m going Green this year.” The other candidates are playing their cards close to the chest. When asked to comment on the challenge posed by the Green and Libertarian parties, Barack Obama was reluctant to divulge his fear of Stein’s and Johnson’s campaigns. “Uh … right. The challenge. I guess, uh, I’m a little worried.” Mitt Romney even declined to comment, stating in an e-mail that he would “really appreciate if the prank calls would stop.” In the final days before the election, the Green and Libertarian parties are focusing their attention on convincing undecided voters and motivating their confirmed supporters to send in ballots before the long day of watching votes roll in. Both sides will cross their fingers and hope fervently for the honor and privilege of losing the presidential race by just two places.

TOP TEN

“And from this evidence we can conclude that life still, in fact, sucks,” one researcher said. BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

study published by several University of California, San Diego professors in the October 2012 American Journal of Psychology reportedly found nothing new or interesting to report. As explained in the paper’s abstract, the 12-week experiment evidently resulted in “nothing of any significance whatsoever” and was “totally useless.” The study, which set out to further understand the effects of regular caffeine consumption on REM sleep habits, apparently yielded no new facts, data, or conclusions. “With this latest study, we really didn’t make any of the progress we were hoping to achieve,” Professor Claire DeAngelo, one of the head researchers in charge of coor-

dinating the study, explained. “If anything, we’ve actually somehow gone backwards.” The groundbreaking study is the first to ever potentially lose knowledge or information previously gained through other experiments. Besides being sure that the tedious and painful trials the participants had to undergo did indeed take place, the researchers were unable to specify any conclusions for certain. Despite this, DeAngelo and her colleagues were eager to see the public’s reaction to the study. “I’m sure many coffee and tea drinkers will be very interested when they hear that nothing for them has changed in any possible way,” DeAngelo commented. “We really do our work as a service to the community, so I’m sure people will be grateful to hear the results.”

“Or at least, they would be, if there were any,” she added. Critics of the study have expressed skepticism over the value of psychological experiments that fail to produce a single tangible result or piece of data, describing the study as “pretty much the biggest waste of time and resources in all of science” and “slightly more pointless than most psychology experiments.” Some of the student lab assistants had a more positive attitude towards the experiment. One even exclaimed, “At one point, we almost found something about headaches or something, but it turned out to be nothing.” “Overall, I’m just excited to finally have my name on a paper,” Ph.D. candidate Jacqueline Zhu said. “Even if it is just a useless stack of pages.” Students who participated in the study for Experimetrix

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

reported similar feelings of uncertainty when it comes to what exactly the study had found or was supposed to be proving. “Yeah, they gave us a few Red Bulls one night and then hooked us up to machines and tried to tuck us into bed and read us some bedtime stories when we said we couldn’t fall asleep,” an anonymous participant claimed. “But I don’t know what they were trying to find out exactly. I mean, I could have told them that’s probably what would have happened before they spent all that time and money.” As with any scientific study, the results must be replicated to be completely confirmed. Experts in the field agree that much more research is needed before nothing new or noteworthy can be found again.

Joe Biden Things Said to Paul Ryan While Shaking Hands at the Vice Presidential Debate 10. Why are all these people here? 9. Ever think about how birds are dinosaurs? Weird, right? 8. Smell my finger 7. Sarah, the last four years have not been good to you. 6. I’m Joe Biden, bitch. Or something like that. 5. I’ll take a large fries and a medium Diet Coke 4. Know what’s a funny word? Weenis. 3. You have an extra sock? I can’t find mine 2. Don’t look now, but both of our flies are down 1. I just won the coin toss! Another four years for me, asshole

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October 31, 2012

Internet Still Full of Creeps

Page 9

First-Year Biology Major Doesn’t Want to Be Pre-Med

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Oh, can you also take a look at my ochem homework?” one customer asked. “Hey, hey, hey, I said soy milk, God damn it. ” “Holy shit!” this student said. “I can’t believe I forgot to install a pop-out blocker.” BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

orld-renowned cyberspace utopia Redditsuffered what many are calling a “minor public relations mishap” when it was revealed that the website had been used to share voyeurist pictures of unsuspecting subjects and underaged girls. “I’d never thought I’d see the day when the internet would become a home for perverts and sex offenders,” UCSD sophomore Greg Barsumyan said. “I thought it was just for skipping class and looking for lectrure slides.” While some would be quick to condemn such actions as “gross acts of depravity” or even “reprehensible sexual offenses,” the internet’s highly advanced

community — regularly lauded for its compassionate social conscience — chose “not to indulge in the puritanical witch-hunt that has been so eagerly embraced by mainstream America,” according to internet user that guy who used to talk to you about video games in middle school. “This is just another instance of the political-correctness police trying to destroy the freedom of speech our great nation was founded upon,” commented user Big_ Dick16. “And besides, if those girls didn’t want their pictures taken, they wouldn’t have been girls in the first place. “I mean, we even hear that people make fun of those grown men who fetishize a children’s TV show. If they get ridiculed for their entertainment preferences, what will people do to this marginal-

ized minority of men who take pictures of unsuspecting women?” Michael Brutsch, a regular poster of such material, has recently come under attack in a manner known as “doxxing,” in which sick individuals, or worse yet, groups of individuals, work to reveal their victim’s identity, destroying the freedom of anonymity essential for such high-minded discourse as “da best ass on campus.” Brutsch, a hardworking, vice-exposure-fearing American like the rest of us, was fired from his job for his constitutionally protected proclivites and interviewed by world-famous laughing journalist Anderson Cooper in the wake of the incident. Brutsch referred to his internet presence and posts emanating therefrom to be “a big game.” Nice save, buddy.

PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

BY GARRETT CHAN Luckily, Brutsch isn’t alone. Multiple subdivisions of digital salon-style discussion platform Reddit, known colloquially as “sub-reddits,” have boycotted various websites in solidarity, including Gawker.com, for participating in the “doxxing” process. “This is just one example of a rapidly accelarating trend taking place in our once-great nation,” said self-proclaimed “My Little Pony” enthusiast, “pick-up artist” and men’s rights activist, internet user xXClarenceXx. “Really, just another misandrist, morally bankrupt episode in which this man’s liberty is being restricted by the men-hating federal government and feminazi culture that spawned it. It’s like Roe v. Wade all over again.” Sources are still uncertain as to which federal government xXClarenceXx is referring.

Scientists Just Pretending Not to Know Why We Sleep

Copy Editor

irst year biology major Lisa Hui recently stated that she doesn’t want to attend medical school and become a doctor, astonishing her classmates, parents, and professors. “I just don’t know what I want yet,” she commented, “but I know it’s not medicine.” Although she fits every criterion for being pre-med — above-average high school GPA, propensity for leadership positions, East Asian descent, and enrollment in Revelle college — Hui continues to surprise nearly everyone around her when she says that her current plans do not involve medical school. “Honestly, I chose biology because that’s what all my friends were doing last October,” she explained to her suitemates at a meeting she held to explain her life decision. “I forgot that the UC app was due at the end of the month, and I couldn’t find a homecoming dress that didn’t clash with my boyfriend’s skin tone, so that was a whole weekend gone. By the time the thing was due, I had to choose, and I chose something I thought would be popular and fun.” The major she had first decided on was theatre with a minor in Chicano studies, but her parents decided that it was impractical, and made her switch to biology. “Who doesn’t like saying that word, Chicano?” Hui quipped. Initially upset, she told her parents that she did not want to become a surgeon, a nurse, or a pharmacist, but her parents told her to “take some time, think it over, and go to medical school.” When asked

why she did not want to be pre-med, Hui had some strong words. “Everyone else thinks being pre-med is great, but premed is coming out of this institution with a degree that means next to nothing just to get into another school that’s supposed to guarantee a stable job, yet saddles you with $200,000 worth of debt. I’m not going to be like everyone else.” Hui’s suitemate, Gillian Close, was not very enthusiastic about Hui’s desire to be different. “She wants to be unique? Oh, good, that’s only what every other pre-med says. Tell her to join AMSA.” Upon hearing about her non-traditional plans, her roommate and fellow biology major Sandra White was confused. She had firmly believed that being a biology major had locked her in to a set pre-med track. “When did we win the right to choose?” she asked. Other biology majors were more hopeful. Cameron Kwon, a third year communications major who went to the same high school as Hui, was not shocked. “She’s a first-year biology major and she thinks she’s dropping? Why does she think this is big news? If she’s like the rest of us, she’ll take a class like o-chem or physics and realize she didn’t learn anything in her high school science classes and become a communications major or something.” As for her future plans, Hui wants to give it time and explore her options. “I love UCSD, and I love the diversity of opportunity here, even for biology majors. What I don’t like is the smell of old people slowly dying.”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“After observing the subject for an extended period of time, we’re pretty sure what’s going on here,” this researcher wrote in the study’s abstract. “The subject is asleep.” BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-in-Chief

his Tuesday, scientists across the nation released a new study claiming not to know why it is that people sleep, according to internet reposts everywhere. “Oh yeah, no clue. We have absolutely no clue why we sleep,” MIT researcher Brian Davis confirmed. “None. At all. Whatsoever.” Davis then broke down into peals of laughter before straightening up, adjusting his tie, and elaborating. “Really. We really don’t know anything about that. Really. Sleep is probably completely useless.” However, other sources report that scientists nation-

wide, best known for their recent discoveries of the Higgs boson and that chimpanzees can identify other chimpanzees if given pictures of their butts, are “totally just messing with us.” “Man, you guys fell for it,” one scientist, who asked to be identified only as that tall attractive one with dark hair and the infectious laugh, said. “What, you think we can’t figure out a very, very simple thing like that? Come on.” Reportedly, the deception was started only “because it seemed like fun,” but quickly escalated into “a complex social experiment” with “far reaching implications in various scientific communities” which “is really much more fun.”

“There’s nothing I like more than empirically proving that people are gullible,” another anonymous scientist said. “Like that one time, they totally believed that vaccines caused autism. “Well, that’s not so funny, actually. It led to a lot of misinformed and angry parents,” he said. “But this time it’s going to be great. I absolutely doubt that anybody will attempt to stop sleeping as a result of a report, then become delirious and go on a murderous rampage. “I mean, anybody aside from that one guy,” he added. The few citizens who have heard of the hoax mainly expressed disinterest. “Scientists know things all the time,” Minnesotan teenager Clark

Anderson said. “That’s so, so boring. I was just in it for the mystery. The intrigue.” He sighed, “I guess I have to take that stupid article off my Facebook page now. Liars.” Still, some question why the scientists have refused to identify just why it is that we do sleep. “I’m suspicious,” Colorado native Miriam Howard said. “Just last year I discovered that you can send funny e-mails to people on the internet, and I haven’t shut up about it since! I don’t think scientists could really keep something like this under wraps.” “Okay, obviously, we know why people sleep,” world renowned scientist Amygdala Yamaguchi said. “It’s because if you didn’t you’d die. Duh.”

Similarities Between Being a Serial Killer and Working at a Pumpkin Patch 10. If you’re not careful you’ll be cleaning up guts for hours 9. Only doing it to support your struggling family 8. Extremely skilled with a knife, good at carrying heavy objects 7. Great job for high school kids 6. Halloween is the busiest time of year 5. Heavily glamorized by Hollywood 4. Your first date is usually your last date 3. Barely pays the bills 2. Your mom is always telling you to find a better career 1. Really hate having to train the new guy

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Page 10

October 31, 2012

Despite Playoff Sweep, New York Yankees Optimistic About Buying Next World Series Title

Lance Armstrong’s Moon Landing Revoked

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Those nerds on Earth told me this would be impossible,” Armstrong said. “But look at me now! Lick my ball, Newton!” BY ZAC HANN

Four Scientists

F PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Now let’s see if I can find some players who can hit,” team manager Joe Girardi said. “Ooh, and is that a vintage Olympia typewriter?” BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

arlier this month, the New York Yankees suffered a humiliating sweep in the American League Championship Series to the Detroit Tigers. The outmatched Yankees now face a long offseason to fix their flaws, sign key free agents, and find out the bidding price for the 2013 World Series title. “I know our men are bummed by the loss, especially after going into the playoffs with the best record in the American League,” General Manager Brian Cashman said. “But they do say money can buy happiness, so we’ll have our guys all smiles in no time.” Having the highest rev-

enue stream in professional baseball affords the Yankees plenty of freedom with how they spend their money. Cashman has reportedly attempted to contact MLB Commissioner Bud Selig multiple times in order to find out the price of purchasing the Commissioner’s Trophy for the New York Yankees and forgoing the playoffs altogether. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t have any playoff games,” Cashman remarked. “I’m only saying that we should just not make them count, except if we win.” Acquisition of the World Series title would make it the 28th for the team, the most championships for any professional sports team in North America, and still more than the next three major

league teams combined. “Some might call our move to buy the title unethical, and they’re probably right,” manager Joe Girardi said. “But in the end it boils down to fans of opposing teams hating us for having the success that they wished their own teams had.” The move to buy the World Series is with precedent, as the New York Yankees have been attempting to do so for many years. However, only this year has the direct purchase been considered after indirect attempts to buy the title through buying the best players from other teams have resulted in frustrating early playoffs exits. “I originally had never considered signing with the Yankees given all that they already

have,” Yankees starting pitcher CC Sabathia said. “But when they throw comical amounts of money at you, part of you just has to say yes.” Consequently, a roster of such handsomely paid players is expected to earn their salaries by good performance and victories. However, the winless championship series against the Detroit Tigers has indicated that the players are not living up to their contracts or that Yankees are simply not paying their players enough. “Here in New York we have a culture of winning, and we’ll do whatever it takes to maintain that,” Cashman remarked. “Even if it means sacrificing the time honored morals of America’s pasttime.”

Fox News Lays Off Entire Staff to Weaken Obama’s Jobs Record

ollowing aggressive accusations of hoaxing and a long legal battle with NASA, cancer survivor and admired American astronaut Lance Armstrong’s unprecedented seven consecutive moon landings were revoked. Armstrong became an American hero to thousands after surviving life-threatening testicular cancer and succeeding in an event normally dominated by Europeans: interplanetary space travel. Through his Livestrong foundation, he raised millions of dollars for cancer research. He had raised even more money to fund a campaign to rename the moon “Lance’s Remaining Ball.” The man’s fans have been shaken by news that he may have spearheaded a complex hoaxing scheme, giving him an unfair advantage over his rivals in the race to reach the moon. NASA has accusing him of hoaxing for years, but Armstrong has always vehemently denied the charges, pointing to the fact that he has passed every hoaxing test administered. “I have competed as an endurance astronaut for decades with no spike in performance,” he said in an official statement. Despite the years that have passed since Armstrong was supposed to have landed on the moon, the case has received renewed attention since an ambitious new US AntiHoaxing Agency (colloquially referred to as “Usaha”) CEO took office in 2007. Usaha has aggressively pursued the hoaxing case in recent months, and two weeks ago it made public a 202-page report detailing the investigation, including

testimonies by Armstrong’s moon-landing teammates. Several successful astronauts, including Buzz Aldrin and Alan Shepard, swore under oath that Armstrong pushed them into hoaxing in order to ensure they won the moon race. Pat McQuaid, president of the International Spacetraveling Union, said he was “sickened” by the Usaha conspiracy theorists’ insurmountable mountain of evidence. “Lance Armstrong has no place in space travel,” he said. “He deserves to be forgotten in space travel.” Sponsors who have supported Armstrong since the beginning of his career have dropped him in the face of the charges leveled against him, including Nike, Boeing, and Jet Propulsion Laboratories. In addition, insurance companies are demanding that Armstrong return the millions of dollars in performance bonuses he was given after landing on the moon. He will also be expected to return the seven trademark yellow spacesuits that mark a moon victory, one for each landing. The agency’s report claims that Armstrong used erythropoietin, a difficult-to-detect oxygen-boosting hormone, to give himself a competitive advantage in the vacuum of space. Because several astronauts who competed at the same time as Armstrong have been implicated with the drug, NASA has decided not to give the victory to the runners up during the seven consecutive moon landings Armstrong is said to have completed. “Those dark reaches of space must be marked by the absence of a winner,” NASA director Christian Prudhomme said.

TOP TEN

Consequences of Bathing With Foreign Diplomats

PHOTO BY CODY DONAHUE AND BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

While these staff members are now unhirable, the chair has already been signed for a new pilot on NBC. BY ALEX BROWN Staff Writer

n a surprising move, Fox News executive and famed kangaroo boxer Rupert Murdoch announced he would be reducing the size of his staff to zero after a financial quarter deemed by many commentators to be “actually better than terrible.” “Stagnating times call for drastic measures,” the parttime Emperor Palpatine impersonator said. One of the recent victims of the string of layoffs, former TV host Bill O’Reilly, commented, “I think Fox News is doing the noble and patriotic thing here. Every little bit counts, and if we

can all band together as Americans and file for unemployment benefits, we can rightfully tarnish President Obama’s economic record.” O’Reilly proceeded to count the number of food stamps in his pocket and exclaimed, “Yes! Honey, I think we have enough to make it till the end of the month! Man, I hope they take these at Chipotle. “And thank the lord God almighty no one’s been listening to our calls for drug testing welfare recipients,” he added. “This Xanax stuff is great.” The news comes not only as a shock to the employees, but also to millions of devoted viewers, who will be disap-

pointed to find out their number one source for news is out of business. “I’m not worried about our viewers, though,” Murdoch commented. “Most of them are nearing death anyway; all you need to do is put on a tape of some blonde yelling about freedom, and they won’t be able to tell the difference. The key is to mention the words ‘Obama, welfare, and war on Jesus’ as often as possible.” Murdoch then proceeded to strip himself of all his clothes, apply goat blood to his bare chest in the form of a pentagram, and repeat the phrase, “Praise the Lord Satan, our one and only source of freedom and power; may

we one day dance together in the fiery pits of Hell.” His press secretary promptly claimed that no more questions would be taken at that time. It is unclear as to what the future will hold for Fox News. “Even though I lost my job, I’m still going to let my voice be heard,” former television host Sean Hannity said. “I’ve decided to take my commentary to social media. Because everyone respects political opinions on Facebook. “Luckily, even though I lost my job and my health insurance, I’m still covered when I go to the hospital!” Hannity continued. “Thank God Mitt Romney thought of that genius health care plan.”

10. Learning great places to hide WMD’s 9. Constant disputes over international water laws 8. Getting stuck sponge bathing countries on life support 7. Happy ending negotiation talks result in new trade agreements 6. Accidentally inheriting a small former-Soviet republic 5. That Syrian guy keeps asking if he can crash at your place for a while 4. American diplomats trying to “democratize” your bathing routine 3. Discovering Kim Jong Un is a surprisingly well-equipped leader 2. World Peace 1. Learn 7 languages, but you won’t be called back in any of them

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October 31, 2012

Six College System Revealed to Just Be Conversation Starter

Page 11

StarCraft 2 Experiences Massive Server Outage

South Korean Productivity Doubles

PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS

Exhibiting flawless UCSD etiquette, none of the six college namesakes made eye contact during conversation. BY MONICA BHIDE AND DYLAN BLACKIE

Managing Editor and Staff Writer

ast Friday, sophomore Annelise Ross was shocked to hear that her Revelle College core curriculum was nothing more than an elaborate conversation starter. She reportedly made this discovery after her 13th attempt to strike up small talk upon meeting a fellow Revelle student, this time at a Photography Club mixer. “How’s that paper going? Ugh, such a drag, right?” she said to the freshman. “Hey, have you ever thought that the class is only here so we have something to say to each other?”

As the discovery spread, the chancellor’s office released an official statement over email. “Yes, we admit it. The entire six college system is really just a way for our students to learn how to make conversation.” “Following the first two completely failed attempts at crafting a UC campus that avoided the typical college social awkwardness, the Regents decided to build a campus based solely on the concept of providing students with something to talk about,” Chancellor Khosla explained. “They just wanted one school where the students wouldn’t be so awkward all the time. Wow, they really screwed that one up.” Nevertheless, students like Ross appreciate the system.

“I mean, honestly. How many times can you pretend to have forgotten where your roommate is from?” Ross explained. “After four or five times asking them that, you just seem like an asshole.” “It’s hard enough to avoid the glares when they keep noticing you using their deodorant,” she added. But the discovery was not without criticism. Freshman Ravi Rajan explained, “When I was choosing colleges, I took a lot of factors into account. I believed them when they said the six college system was actually not completely pointless. I had no idea it was really just something to talk about.” “I mean, of course every university has to have a decent conversation starter,” he added. “This whole time

I thought it was the library. So, what’s the deal with that thing?” Although the administration feared that the discovery would send students back into their natural awkward states, sophomore Morris White asserts otherwise. “I was so happy when the news broke; finally, my apartment-mates would stop asking me annoying questions about our MMW classes,” he explained. “But now they keep starting conversations with me about how everyone at UCSD relies on their college to make conversation.” “Seriously, two things to talk about? I never expected that,” he added. “At this rate, we’ll have to converse like normal humans by sometime around 2020.”

competitive students. Some students worry that the discovery will only add to UCSD's persistent partyschool reputation. "My padded resume is ruined," thirdyear biochemistry/chemistry pre-med student Penn Pale said. "Now I'll never fulfill my parents' dream of becoming a doctor." Others, however, are more optimistic. "Nothing gets me going faster than organic chemistry," Robin Stinger said, who has frequented the eighth floor of Geisel Library for two years now. "Besides, chicks dig it when I flash those A's on my transcript." “Quiet, this is a silent study zone!” another student scolded, who declined to give his name. “If you want to communicate, you’ll have to get a little more creative,” he added before beginning to undress. In celebration of this momentous discovery, Chancellor Khosla approved the proposition to refill all campus condom dispensers at least once every quarter.

at UCSD, filled with sleeping through classes, drinking extensively, and an embarrassingly low 3.7 GPA, had resulted in no lasting benefits. “Sometimes I think I’m stupider than I was when I got here,” he said. “I always heard alcohol kills brain cells, but after today, apparently no!” Those close to Whittaker hope that he will use this moment as a jumping point to learn how find the library wherever he goes for grad school. “The sky’s really the limit at this point,” Whittaker said. “There’s really no way to figure out my way around there.”

“My client just wants justice for this heinous act and hopes the person responsible will turn himself or herself in,” Sander’s attorney said in a recent statement. If found guilty, the accused may face a fine of up to $400,000 or a stern talking-to.

BOO-RIEFS EIGHTH-YEAR WRITING MAJOR FINALLY TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT This weekend, amidst tears of adoring friends and relatives, the pen was finally removed from eighth-year writing major Hannah Ryan’s hand, officially ending her time as an undergraduate. “It was a tough decision,” Ryan’s mother said. “We thought that if we just waited, she’d begin to write on her own. But, clearly, that never happened.” She glared at her daughter, who shrugged. “I was totally gonna graduate next year or something,” she said. Friends claim that it’s been difficult to watch Ryan, who was once a vibrant and happy freshman, descend into the despondent adult she now is. “In a way, it’s better now,” friend Karen Richards said. “At least now I don’t have to watch her sit around the apartment watching ‘Gossip Girl’ all day, unable to do anything else.” “Look on the bright side,” Ryan’s father said. “She was a writing major. It’s not like this is going to ruin her chances of a job or anything.”

HOMEWORK DECLARED APHRODISIAC, CAMPUS WORRIED STIFF After months of observing the amount of bandwidth dedicated for pornographic material in UCSD's wireless network, researchers have inadvertently discovered that homework can stimulate sexual desire in

SENIOR GIVING DIRECTIONS THINKS MAYBE HE LEARNED SOMETHING AT UCSD AFTER ALL Marshall College senior Melvyn Whittaker successfully directed visitors to Geisel Library this weekend, prompting him to re-evaluate his view on his college education. “It was like, wow, I guess I have something to offer people after all,” he said. “Maybe once I graduate I could get a job as a map.” Whittaker, a psychology major, had previously believed that his four years

MAN STEPS IN GUM, NATIONAL SEARCH COMMENCES FOR LITTERER Local man Gary Sanders was described as being “totally bummed out” after stepping in gum on his daily walk to work Monday. “As soon as it happened, I knew what I was in for,” Sanders said. “I would have to suffer through the feeling of that weird, soft bump on the bottom of my shoe until I could scrape it off.” Sources indicate the CIA and the Department of Soda, Gum, and Bladed Weapons are collaborating on a nationwide search for the perpetrator, which commenced shortly after the incident. Although no suspects have been identified, 24 hour helicopter surveillance has been instated near the Mexican-American border in case the perpetrator “tries to get away down ol’ Mexico way” one Border Patrol officer said.

STUDY: STUDENTS WHO CHEAT ARE ALREADY AHEAD OF YOU Researchers at the University of Littlewerk have found that high-achieving students are more likely to cheat. Unveiled at the university’s preliminary TED symposium, the discovery was met with incredulity. “Wait,” one man shouted from the audience, “this conference is supposed to be about innovative ideas! Why tell us something we already know?” Ron Blair-Smythe, who recently graduated from Littlewerk with honors, openly admitted to cheating. “We’re just continuing the Great American Tradition of creative thinking, efficiency, and competition,” he boasted. “Bernie Madoff, Martha Stewart, Lance Armstrong, Mark Zuckerberg … these people are titans, man.” Indeed, a high stakes environment is the primary factor behind such behavior. Wall Street executives have taken notice of this study accordingly and have even requested the identities for those with outstanding “competitive” records. “These young people have just the right gumption to rebuild our godforsaken economy,” a representative from Goldman Sachs said. “Integrity? What about it? Don’t be so old-fashioned.”

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

While Blizzard stock plummeted, Nike’s stock mysteriously skyrocketed. BY ADIL MISTRY Staff Writer

arlier last week, Blizzard Entertainment, producer of popular video games World of Warcraft and StarCraft, experienced a massive server outage that rendered its online services and games inaccessible, forcing many customers to begrudgingly return to their dreary and often abysmal existences. This caused great concern among many governments across the world, which feared that the effect would be akin to releasing the world’s prison population on an unsuspecting public. Some countries, such as Germany and France, passed emergency measures enforced a curfew, and urged their citizens to remain indoors and attempt to play other games such as solitaire and Monopoly to help pass their extra free time. In the past week however, the international community sighed in relief as the negative impact of the server outage was far less than previously anticipated. Game enthusiast Kevin Choi, better known by his online username xXL33t_Sk33tXx, reported, “I’ve finally been able to leave my room and go talk my neighbors, and even Mom and Dad. I’m even thinking about talking to girls; I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time.” South Korea in particular has reported the largest boost in the world, almost doubling

its GDP in only a week. Indeed, reports suggest that the entire country as a whole is functioning dramatically better following the outage. Multiple media sources have in fact reported that despite plummeting Mountain Dew sales in the country, worker productivity and academic performance is at an all-time high. The prime minister of South Korea, Kim Hwang-sik, explained while gesturing at the waist-level chart that this increase in productivity is expected to remain constant, ultimately leading South Korea to surpass the European Union in GPD and per capita income in several years. The server outage also seems to have unified the three South Korean political powers, the Zerg, Terran, and Protoss parties who had previously fought for government resources in elaborate and often drawn out battles of skill and cunning. This government unification caused by the outage appears to have further implications. Four days into the outage, a plan authored by the three parties was leaked by major newspaper, Heart and Seoul, onto the internet. The document detailed an elaborate plan to systematically purchase various parts of the northern country until it is completely owned by the government of South Korea. North Korea was not pleased with this news, however. “We’re still not sure what money or the internet is, but South Korea is Satan,” a hungered Kim Jong Un said.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between an Old Sweater and Your Last Hookup 10. Found it by the dumpster last week 9. Covered in dog hair 8. Hand-me-down from your brother 7. Bigger than you’d like 6. Just came out of the closet 5. You don’t like to be seen with it 4. Really itchy 3. Empty on the inside 2. All bent out of shape after the hanger incident 1. Unwanted present from your grandma

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Page 12

October 31, 2012

Aaron Burr Elementary’s

2012 PTA Election Guide

VS Claire Atherton • • •

Barbara Gray-Bennett

Remembers most of her children’s names

•

Organized 2009 AthertonGranville family ski trip

•

Has another house in La Jolla

•

Runner-up in Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest two years running

Invested in several successful bake sales

Has had same haircut since 1990

•

Incumbent

•

Began quasi-political career as homeowners association organizer

Served half a term as chair of sixth grade dance committee

•

Convinced people to believe in her four years ago

Studied constitutional bylaws at Harvard

•

Endorsed by Jay-Z

•

Promises to tighten gun control in schools

Is not her opponent Will balance budget by eliminating funding for unnecessary subjects like math, science, writing Plans to deregulate intramural kickball games Will remove socialist class-wide pencil sharpeners Plans to privatize school nurse’s office Wants you to keep your hard-earned, complimentary coffee and doughnuts

Keeps meaning to pull out of Afghanistan Will continue to crack down on Pop Tart dispensaries Pledges to finally close brutal off-campus detention centers Used PTA funds to buy aerial drones for recess supervision Is not her opponent

Informed Public Weighs In “Last week, she was five minutes late picking her daughter up from school!”

“She outsourced her daughter’s lemonade stand to a factory in Mexico!”

“Claire even got a spray tan to appear more relatable to over-tanned moms.” “I saw her going into that big white castle on Sundays.”

“I heard that all of her kids are in private school.”

“How much can she care about our kids if she spends more time with her horses than her children?”

“Barbara totally mishandled Libya.”

“She told this one kid, ‘You didn’t build that’ during arts and crafts.”

“Oh my God, Barbara won’t shut up about killing Osama.”

“She’s been giving the Palestinian parents the cold shoulder ever since she got elected.” “I heard she smoked weed once. And she inhaled. Can you believe that?”

“I’ve definitely heard this rumor that Barbara might be lefthanded.”