THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
October 31, 2012
Am I a born boxer? No — if I was, I’d be perfect. — Paul Ryan
Delivering pre-papier mâché since 1877
Volume XIX Issue II
IN THIS ISSUE
California Stoners Two Years Late for Election
NANOENGINEER INHALES FOURYEAR PROJECT
2
PIRATE BAY SERVERS PIRATED
4
THE MQ’S HISTORY OF HALLOWEEN
6, 7
STUDY FINDS NOTHING NEW, INTERESTING FOX NEWS LAYS OFF STAFF TO WEAKEN OBAMA’S JOBS RECORD
8 10
NEWS IN BRIEF MASTURBATION TOLERANCE CAMPAIGN PREACHES “DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS”
PHOTO BY CODY DONAHUE
“Hey man, remind me to register for the Green Party next year,” this voter said, laughing. “Get it? You know, like weed?” BY JESSI CARR
Production Manager
F
ollowing months of intensive petitioning, flyering, and repeated viewing of “Adventure Time” while eating Cool Ranch Doritos, thousands of supporters of the controversial Proposition
19 — the failed 2010 ballot measure which attempted to legalize and regulate the sale and possession of cannabis in California — are confident that the measure will pass in the elections this November. Tobin Williams, one of the chairmen of the Yes On 19 campaign, expressed his opti-
mism for the outcome of the November 2 election at a press conference held in his mother’s basement last Friday. “I really do believe that this is our time,” he said, coughing. “We’ve finally managed to overcome all of our differences — we’ve united the indicas and the sativas, NorCal
North Dakota resident George Whitfell has recently gained an international following with his campaign to promote understanding and cooperation between different schools of matsturbation. People from all over the world have flocked to his website to unite under his slogan, “Different Strokes For Different Folks.” “I think there’s too much discrimination against underrepresented types of masturbators,” Whitfell said. “For example, people who enjoy the esoteric sand-and-cantaloupe technique are often the targets of online bul-
and SoCal, the indoors and the outdoors, all in order to — shit, man, what was I talking about?” Many other advocates of the proposition also feel similarly optimistic, but have tak-
See STONERS, page 2
Freshman Shocked at Acquaintances’ Transformations Into Colossal D-Bags During Rush Week
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“I sold my shot glasses to buy you muscle milk,” the student on the left said. “I sold my weights to buy you a ton of Jäger,” the other replied. BY KEVIN CHU Staff Writer
A
ccording to eyewitness reports, freshman Gregory Chen was stunned to discover that people he had once considered budding acquaintances had suddenly turned into douchebags during Rush Week. “Frankly, I’m just speechless,” Chen stated. “This guy, Daniel, from my math class, he was so nice to me on my first day, but then I saw him standing on Library Walk behind a booth with Greek letters on it, smirking and fistbumping, and my heart just broke.”
Daniel Miyata was not the only potential friend whom Chen lost to Rush Week. Statisticians have confirmed that almost 50 percent of the people Chen had begun to befriend during his first few weeks were in fact already “huge douches,” while another 32 percent were reportedly considering or already in the process of rushing frats. Nationally renowned Douche Specialist Dr. Rusty Bayers says that this phenomenon is not uncommon at all. Bayers reported that during the first few weeks of college, freshmen around the country meet a fraternity member
every 15 minutes on average. In addition, around 84 percent of freshmen start to build relationships with fraternity members before discovering their true douchey nature during Rush Week. “Many freshmen come out of Rush Week as just absolute emotional wrecks,” Bayers said. “Their excitement to make new friends is often ripped out of their beings the moment they see a former acquaintance in a fraternity tank top.” Bayers says that learning to recognize the common subtleties of douchebags is key to avoiding such heartbreak. According to him,
cheap plastic sunglasses, pastel-colored tank tops, cargo shorts, Ryan Gosling-esque hair swoops and intricate knowledge of Jack Johnson’s discography are all common signs of douchebaggery. Library Walk is not the only place that Chen has discovered the true identities of people he once considered to be potential friends. “A lot of my suitemates who used to just stay in their rooms and play StarCraft are rushing and now all they do is talk about hosting huge ‘ragers’ in the suite with their ‘bros,’” Chen said. “I think I’m going to have to move to another suite if this continues.” But for Chen, it just doesn’t seem like going anywhere would be a permanent solution. Earlier this week, Chen had attempted to spend more time away from his suitemates by attending a meeting for the RC Club, but left after seeing that most members greeted each other with head nods, fist bumps and loud shouting. Chen also recalls going to Geisel Library to study, as his suite had become a 24-hour hub for a beer pong tournament, but was equally distracted by a group of loud bros cavorting about “getting out on a raft, getting their bronze on, and drinking a couple of brewskies.” “I just don’t know where to turn or who to trust anymore,” Chen said, holding back tears.
GIANTS SWEEP WORLD SERIES
MAROONED SAILOR STRUGGLES TO CLEAN UNIFORM
Players still too lazy to put toilet seat down at home.
Laundry mishap has him seeing red.
t
lying. We should all accept masturbators for who they are, no matter their kinks. Some people like jacking off into tube socks. Others prefer manila envelopes. Why can’t we all just be friends?” Whitfell’s website has become a safe haven for self-stimulators to discuss their wanking preferences, experiment with new techniques, and complain about their loneliness. Users typically find their way to the online community via “various activities on the web.” In his spare time, Whitfell, who is unemployed, is a Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master.
BERLUSCONI VOWS NOT TO LET PRISON SENTENCE INTERFERE WITH CAMPAIGN Yesterday, former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi announced that he would not let possible prison time for bribery, abuse of office, false testimony, sex with a minor, corruption, connections with the mafia, and tax fraud interfere with his plan to run once again for prime minister. Berlusconi has been dogged by legal troubles for years as a result of his almost cartoonishly loose interpretation of Italian law, but has always run remarkably clean cam-
paigns, reminding voters, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Berlusconi is reportedly enthusiastic to return to the political sphere after being ousted for hurling a cinder block through the home of his opponent. The former Prime Minister has big plans if he is once again able to take office and expects to finally be free of his legal troubles. Berlusconi also urges female voters and reporters to support him by attending his “Hands-On Politics” carwash fundraiser.
DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, GIANT CHAIR CUT INTO SMALLER CHAIRS In an effort to divert money from the chairing budget into administrative paychecks, the University of California Regents have decided to cut the giant chair, a favorite UCSD landmark, into many smaller chairs. “Originally we just planned to move it into a classroom,” UC President Mark Yudof said. “But after putting all those holes in all those ceilings, we realized that it might be easier just to make the chair smaller.” Students have expressed regret at the loss of the giant chair, but also ex-
citement at the prospect of being able to sit in it without the experience being “like some boring, moderately ‘Alice in Wonderland’influenced hallucination.” Others mentioned that though the giant chair was very cool, “now it’s ten chairs, and that’s kind of a lot, I guess.” “Whenever I sit in these chairs, I like to think that I’m part of a long tradition of UCSD students who’ve sat here before me,” environmental engineering major Aimee Kimber said. “And they weren’t paying attention to a class either!”