THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
December 5, 2012
I don’t want to be grotesque, but when you’re 330 pounds, it’s hard to wipe your ass. — Santa Claus
Dear Facebook, please don’t own our jokes. Thanks, the MQ.
Biden Asks Obama If They Could Be Co-Presidents Next Term
Volume XIX Issue III
IN THIS ISSUE FRESHMAN STILL WEARING “I VOTED” STICKER
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FAMILY FOSTERING BIRD LEARNS ABOUT EACH OTHER, THEMSELVES 4 GUIDE TO WINTER BREAK
6, 7
STRIP CLUBS STRUGGLE TO REBUILD AFTER HURRICANE RANDY 9 UN DECLARES ACCESS TO NONHOLIDAY MUSIC A HUMAN RIGHT 10
NEWS IN BRIEF TA VALIANTLY TRIES TO USE BONE-DRY MARKER
Sources say Biden hasn’t been this happy since he could say he was 69 years old. BY BRIAN DAMP AND MONICA BHIDE Business and Managing Editors
F
ollowing an initial fouryear term which he described as “a total snoozefest,” Vice President Joe Biden
asked President Barack Obama if in the next term they could try being co-presidents for a change. After his contributions to the re-election effort, Biden decided that it was time for him to have a more active role in the presidency. “I figured
that ol’ Barry knows that if it weren’t for me pulling off what was undoubtedly the greatest vice presidential debate that didn’t involve dueling pistols, he wouldn’t even have a second term,” he told some White House interns outside on a smoke break. “Also, did
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
you know they’ve outlawed pistols as a means of debate these days? As co-president, I’d change that.” “The vice president of Argentina told me that after his
See BIDEN, page 2
Local Student Comes Home Not Pregnant for the Third Time BY KEVIN CHU Staff Writer
S
an Diego residents Henry and Grace Pilner breathed sighs of relief as their 19-year-old daughter Cassie came home visibly not pregnant for the third consecutive visit on Wednesday, November 21. Henry, who had been nervously pacing the living room awaiting Cassie’s return from college on Wednesday evening, was the first to run over and hug his daughter after visually assessing that she had a flat, unfertilized belly. “We were quite nervous, especially since she always tells us about all of the boys she meets in college,” Henry stated out of earshot of Cassie as a crying Grace held her tightly in her arms. “I’d hate to have to try and keep a pregnancy secret from the rest of the family, especially at Thanksgiving.” Grace was reportedly a bit more emotional about the fact that Cassie was not incubating a fetus. Sources say that after over 20 minutes of crying and telling her daughter how happy she was to see her, she excused herself to the kitchen where she spent 10 minutes jumping up and down and shouting Hail Marys at the ceiling. “I’m so happy — I’m just really relieved,” Mrs. Pilner, tears streaming down her
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
“Thank God you broke your leg. We thought you had sex or something. Your mother and I were worried sick,” said Henry Pilner. face, said. “I feel like I have just won the lottery. This is, without a doubt, the happiest day of my life so far.” Henry and Grace Pilner first started worrying about their daughter’s ovarian status after seeing her in multiple photos at frat parties with a man tagged as “Brendan Dudeman Jenkins.” The parents grew concerned as the photos seemed to depict Cassie and “Brendan” growing increasingly “handsy” with one another. “We immediately pressed Cassie about it during her weekly call home,” Grace recalls. “But she told us that Brendan was a ‘total sleazebag,’
DEATH ROW INMATE ASKS FOR LAST MEAL OF ENDLESS SHRIMP PLATTER Warden denies request on grounds of being shellfish.
and ‘Ew, I would never even go past first base with him.’” However, this fear was reignited during a Skype chat a couple of days after, when Henry and Grace received quite a scare upon seeing an unopened pack of condoms on Cassie’s desk. The celebrations were cut short as a solemn Cassie told her parents she had something important to tell them. After several minutes of nervous hemming and hawing to her silent and tense parents, Cassie reluctantly divulged that she was getting a ‘D’ in chemistry. Upon hearing this news, Henry and Grace report-
edly sighed loudly in relief and sat back in the couch, much to Cassie’s confusion. “It’s moments like these where we realized that we may have raised her right,” Henry said, wiping tears from his eyes. “We’re celebrating this weekend.” “I’ve told my parents every time I’ve come home that I’m failing another class and that I need support, but all they do is cheer,” a disgruntled Cassie confided after her parents left the room to grab celebratory champagne. “But I guess it’s cool that they don’t care that I’m probably going to flunk out of college.”
RIMAC ANNOUNCES 24/5 JANUARY HOURS Students don’t see it working out.
In the middle of his review of the previous week’s lecture on the various parts of the thalamus, COGS 17 TA Kenneth Brannan found that the black Expo dry erase marker he was using to diagram the brain had run dry. Brannan first noticed that the lines his marker was producing had turned a barely-visible light gray during his explanation of the thalamus’ purpose as the sensory information center of brain. Sources present at the drying reported that Brannan unsuccessfully tried darkening the line by writing over it again, only to
find that the line had been replaced by an even lighter shade of gray. “Oh damn it, not right now,” he muttered, staring intently at the bone-dry tip and looking up and down the whiteboard shelf for a replacement marker. “God, public education really is in the shitter.” “Ugh, I was just getting to the good part, too,” he added, recapping and uncapping the marker in frustration. Brannan tried continuing his lecture, but found that his train of thought had been completely derailed by the incident.
TWO UCSD STUDENTS ON SAME FLIGHT TO NORCAL, DEEM SITUATION “HELLA CRAZY” In a shocking turn of events, UCSD students Ryan McGill and Maddy Watson discovered that they were on the same flight to the Bay Area. Their flight left from San Diego to arrive in San Francisco on the last day of finals week. Both found the situation “ballin” and made plans to “chill” in the “yay” over break. Due to this startling coincidence, the students intended to continue bonding by “smoking tree,” “getting hyphy,” and listening to Bay Area rappers, such as Mac Dre and Andre Nickatina. Both of
them found cigarettes, which they refer to as “cig nasties,” to be way “overdizzled,” though both were “down” with the “sticky icky.” They hoped to meet up in “Btown” for New Year’s to get “hella crossfaded.” In other words, “Shit’s about to get cray.” This uncanny meeting may lead to even more than just a friendship, because, according to Ryan, Maddy was “a dime” with whom who he would have been “hella down” to “kick it.” Maddy “fasho” returned these feelings, responding, “Yeeee.”
AS CREATES ANTI-SOCIAL CHAIR Recently, Associated Students, the student government of the University of California, San Diego, announced its intention to create the position of AntiSocial Chair at its council meeting last Wednesday. The AS Chair is responsible for promoting campuswide events of solitude, such Friday Torrented Movie Night, Dine With Yourself, and Blogging Alone, a support group that will never meet in person. “Much of AS’s work goes into planning concerts and dances,” Eric Babajanian, Associate Vice President of Concerts and Events, explained, “but we’ve come
to realize that they don’t really cater to most of the UCSD demographic. It’s true, perhaps, that the student body hasn’t always felt that AS provides what it wants, so if it wants to be left alone, we will do everything we can to help them with that.” When questioned about the inspiration for this unconventional position, AS President Maggie Le responded, “We were originally going to have an Associate Students Social Chair, or ASS Chair, but we didn’t want to make it seem like we didn’t take running this organization seriously.”