The MQ Volume 19 Issue 3 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

December 5, 2012

I don’t want to be grotesque, but when you’re 330 pounds, it’s hard to wipe your ass. — Santa Claus

Dear Facebook, please don’t own our jokes. Thanks, the MQ.

Biden Asks Obama If They Could Be Co-Presidents Next Term

Volume XIX Issue III

IN THIS ISSUE FRESHMAN STILL WEARING “I VOTED” STICKER

FAMILY FOSTERING BIRD LEARNS ABOUT EACH OTHER, THEMSELVES 4 GUIDE TO WINTER BREAK

6, 7

STRIP CLUBS STRUGGLE TO REBUILD AFTER HURRICANE RANDY 9 UN DECLARES ACCESS TO NONHOLIDAY MUSIC A HUMAN RIGHT 10

NEWS IN BRIEF TA VALIANTLY TRIES TO USE BONE-DRY MARKER

Sources say Biden hasn’t been this happy since he could say he was 69 years old. BY BRIAN DAMP AND MONICA BHIDE Business and Managing Editors

ollowing an initial fouryear term which he described as “a total snoozefest,” Vice President Joe Biden

asked President Barack Obama if in the next term they could try being co-presidents for a change. After his contributions to the re-election effort, Biden decided that it was time for him to have a more active role in the presidency. “I figured

that ol’ Barry knows that if it weren’t for me pulling off what was undoubtedly the greatest vice presidential debate that didn’t involve dueling pistols, he wouldn’t even have a second term,” he told some White House interns outside on a smoke break. “Also, did

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

you know they’ve outlawed pistols as a means of debate these days? As co-president, I’d change that.” “The vice president of Argentina told me that after his

See BIDEN, page 2

Local Student Comes Home Not Pregnant for the Third Time BY KEVIN CHU Staff Writer

an Diego residents Henry and Grace Pilner breathed sighs of relief as their 19-year-old daughter Cassie came home visibly not pregnant for the third consecutive visit on Wednesday, November 21. Henry, who had been nervously pacing the living room awaiting Cassie’s return from college on Wednesday evening, was the first to run over and hug his daughter after visually assessing that she had a flat, unfertilized belly. “We were quite nervous, especially since she always tells us about all of the boys she meets in college,” Henry stated out of earshot of Cassie as a crying Grace held her tightly in her arms. “I’d hate to have to try and keep a pregnancy secret from the rest of the family, especially at Thanksgiving.” Grace was reportedly a bit more emotional about the fact that Cassie was not incubating a fetus. Sources say that after over 20 minutes of crying and telling her daughter how happy she was to see her, she excused herself to the kitchen where she spent 10 minutes jumping up and down and shouting Hail Marys at the ceiling. “I’m so happy — I’m just really relieved,” Mrs. Pilner, tears streaming down her

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Thank God you broke your leg. We thought you had sex or something. Your mother and I were worried sick,” said Henry Pilner. face, said. “I feel like I have just won the lottery. This is, without a doubt, the happiest day of my life so far.” Henry and Grace Pilner first started worrying about their daughter’s ovarian status after seeing her in multiple photos at frat parties with a man tagged as “Brendan Dudeman Jenkins.” The parents grew concerned as the photos seemed to depict Cassie and “Brendan” growing increasingly “handsy” with one another. “We immediately pressed Cassie about it during her weekly call home,” Grace recalls. “But she told us that Brendan was a ‘total sleazebag,’

DEATH ROW INMATE ASKS FOR LAST MEAL OF ENDLESS SHRIMP PLATTER Warden denies request on grounds of being shellfish.

and ‘Ew, I would never even go past first base with him.’” However, this fear was reignited during a Skype chat a couple of days after, when Henry and Grace received quite a scare upon seeing an unopened pack of condoms on Cassie’s desk. The celebrations were cut short as a solemn Cassie told her parents she had something important to tell them. After several minutes of nervous hemming and hawing to her silent and tense parents, Cassie reluctantly divulged that she was getting a ‘D’ in chemistry. Upon hearing this news, Henry and Grace report-

edly sighed loudly in relief and sat back in the couch, much to Cassie’s confusion. “It’s moments like these where we realized that we may have raised her right,” Henry said, wiping tears from his eyes. “We’re celebrating this weekend.” “I’ve told my parents every time I’ve come home that I’m failing another class and that I need support, but all they do is cheer,” a disgruntled Cassie confided after her parents left the room to grab celebratory champagne. “But I guess it’s cool that they don’t care that I’m probably going to flunk out of college.”

RIMAC ANNOUNCES 24/5 JANUARY HOURS Students don’t see it working out.

In the middle of his review of the previous week’s lecture on the various parts of the thalamus, COGS 17 TA Kenneth Brannan found that the black Expo dry erase marker he was using to diagram the brain had run dry. Brannan first noticed that the lines his marker was producing had turned a barely-visible light gray during his explanation of the thalamus’ purpose as the sensory information center of brain. Sources present at the drying reported that Brannan unsuccessfully tried darkening the line by writing over it again, only to

find that the line had been replaced by an even lighter shade of gray. “Oh damn it, not right now,” he muttered, staring intently at the bone-dry tip and looking up and down the whiteboard shelf for a replacement marker. “God, public education really is in the shitter.” “Ugh, I was just getting to the good part, too,” he added, recapping and uncapping the marker in frustration. Brannan tried continuing his lecture, but found that his train of thought had been completely derailed by the incident.

TWO UCSD STUDENTS ON SAME FLIGHT TO NORCAL, DEEM SITUATION “HELLA CRAZY” In a shocking turn of events, UCSD students Ryan McGill and Maddy Watson discovered that they were on the same flight to the Bay Area. Their flight left from San Diego to arrive in San Francisco on the last day of finals week. Both found the situation “ballin” and made plans to “chill” in the “yay” over break. Due to this startling coincidence, the students intended to continue bonding by “smoking tree,” “getting hyphy,” and listening to Bay Area rappers, such as Mac Dre and Andre Nickatina. Both of

them found cigarettes, which they refer to as “cig nasties,” to be way “overdizzled,” though both were “down” with the “sticky icky.” They hoped to meet up in “Btown” for New Year’s to get “hella crossfaded.” In other words, “Shit’s about to get cray.” This uncanny meeting may lead to even more than just a friendship, because, according to Ryan, Maddy was “a dime” with whom who he would have been “hella down” to “kick it.” Maddy “fasho” returned these feelings, responding, “Yeeee.”

AS CREATES ANTI-SOCIAL CHAIR Recently, Associated Students, the student government of the University of California, San Diego, announced its intention to create the position of AntiSocial Chair at its council meeting last Wednesday. The AS Chair is responsible for promoting campuswide events of solitude, such Friday Torrented Movie Night, Dine With Yourself, and Blogging Alone, a support group that will never meet in person. “Much of AS’s work goes into planning concerts and dances,” Eric Babajanian, Associate Vice President of Concerts and Events, explained, “but we’ve come

to realize that they don’t really cater to most of the UCSD demographic. It’s true, perhaps, that the student body hasn’t always felt that AS provides what it wants, so if it wants to be left alone, we will do everything we can to help them with that.” When questioned about the inspiration for this unconventional position, AS President Maggie Le responded, “We were originally going to have an Associate Students Social Chair, or ASS Chair, but we didn’t want to make it seem like we didn’t take running this organization seriously.”

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theMQ.org

December 5, 2012

Couple Can’t Wait for Holidays to End So They Can Finally Break Up

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

BIDEN

re-election, he got to host a Battleship tournament with his staff in the war room. I haven’t played Battleship in years,” Biden reported with frustration. “Last time I tried to get a game of two-hand touch going on the South Lawn, Obama said I couldn’t because of some ‘post-disaster condolence speech’ he had to give. What a buzz-kill.” Biden explained to the interns that the vice presidential position was not only lackluster, but it just didn’t have as much authority as he had first hoped. “Being vice president is nice, but I’ve always wanted to sit in that big chair, you know? Have you seen the chair in the Oval Office? It’s huge! And it smells like power,” Biden explained. “The vice presidential chair is something I ordered from IKEA, and it smells like crayons.” In order to more clearly convey his goals for the future, the aspiring co-president Biden issued a letter to the president and his staff outlining some presidential duties he would like to share with

Obama. The first 10 pages of the letter consist of dozens of suggestions as to which powers Mr. Biden would like to share with his counterpart. These suggestions include: “Joe Biden should be allowed to know at least the first four digits of the nuclear launch codes,” and “The duty of delivering the State of the Union Address each year will be awarded to the winner of a thumb war between the copresidents.” The remaining 30 pages are the first draft of a foreword of a book of post-presidential memoirs, which he claims co-authorship rights to. Biden said, “I’m thinking we’ll call it ‘Smilin’ Joe and Barry O: A Tale of Two (Co)Presidents.’” While this request is unprecedented, Biden holds onto hope that it will be granted. “If there’s one thing I know about the president, it’s that after years of dealing with partisan politics, he knows how to make compromises. At the very least I figure he’ll let me sit on his lap and work the teleprompter at his speeches.”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“I hate you so much but I still need a date for Kwanzaa,” Whittaker said. BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor

rea couple William Patel and Angela Whittaker have announced repeatedly to various friends and acquaintances this month that they are eagerly anticipating the end of the 2012 holiday season, so that they may finally end their three-year relationship with minimal fallout. “I mean, I’d totally end it tomorrow, but then there are all these things you have to deal with,” Whittaker said recently to a man she met into while jogging. “So what are you doing about a month from now?” “We’ve seen the end coming for what, three and a half months?” Patel told reporters in a recent couples’ therapy session. “But first we had to do a couple’s Hallow-

een costume, and then have Thanksgiving with her family, and now it’s on to Hannukah with my folks in Des Moines, and after that we have to suffer through New Year’s together.” “Please, God, I just want it to be over already,” he said. Whittaker proceeded to list the many ways the holiday situation placed further strain on their already floundering relationship. “He can’t cook a turkey for shit,” she said. “He also said my little sister is hot, and he told me that one day I’m going to look like my mom!” “Good thing our New Year’s kiss will probably be our last ever,” she said, “because I’m dumping that asshole the instant I get away from this glittery holiday cheer.” The couple cites parental pressure as the primary factor in their continued

relationship. “They want grandchildren so badly, and they really love Angela,” Patel said. “I’m disappointing them enough by not proposing over dinner. It would break their shriveled, turkeyclogged hearts completely if they knew how much we really hate each other.” He is especially eager to end things with Whittaker, and feels painfully constrained in maintaining the artificial happiness that the season demands. “It’s just so hard waiting sometimes,” he said. “I would have so much more money if we broke up now! Why is she insisting on receiving diamond earrings if she’s going to dump my ass on January 2?” “I wish he would dump me sometimes, so then he’d be the bad guy and I’d get to bitch about him to all of my family,” Whittaker said. “Plus,

if we were no longer together I could finally tell everyone that all I’m asking Santa for is a decent man.” “Well, that and some nice socks and underwear,” she added. “The sex isn’t even worth it at this point,” Patel added. “Looking at her just makes me feel so sick thinking of all the hotter girls I could be banging if I’d been single a month ago.” He then checked his calendar to see if he could cross one more day off, and winced when his eyes fell on the twice-circled box demarcating the beginning of 2013. “Oh shit,” Patel said. “We have to wait until February 15, at least. No one should be alone on Valentine’s Day, even if it means having to look at your stupid face.” “You’ll be too busy stuffing yours with chocolate, tubbo,” Whittaker retorted.

Things You Can Say About Your Laptop That You Can’t Say About Your Grandpa 10. Didn’t leave grandma 9. Wow, it stays on for more than four hours 8. It’s pretty bright 7. Can handle getting dropped a couple times 6. Only goes to sleep when you tell it to 5. You don’t have to worry about floppies anymore 4. Waterproof for up to 30 meters 3. Capable of recharging after death 2. You have one 1. It felt really bad to pull the plug

THE

We’re sleepy. You’re sleepy.

Come sleep with us!

Tuesdays, 6p.m. Half Dome

Editor-in-Chief.........................Cody Donahue Managing Editor.........................Monica Bhide Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Content Editor.............................Jack Beegan Distribution Captain........................Avi Kabani Graphics Editor....................Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Graphics Editor.............Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor.................................Garrett Chan

Business Editor.............................Brian Damp Production Manager........................Jessi Carr Web Editor......................................Ben Steen MQ Dad......................................Hannah Weil MQ Mom.......................................Jeff Traynor MQ Deadbeat Stepdad....................Zac Hann Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Royal Temptress.....................Josh Malkinson

Staff Members Farah Abouzeid Chris Aldama Sam Bartleman Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Connor Brew Alex Brown Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Wesley Chan

To operate within the matrix of power is not the same as to replicate uncritically relations of domination. Tuesdays, at 6p.m. in Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. So here we are. By which I mean, 3am, still editing and playing dildoball. It’s been a long production, but we got through it. A special thanks to Robin for designing with a migraine, and Bora for foregoing his pharm school apps in favor of dressing up like Joe Biden. We’re getting into the swing of things now, and our freshmen (read, new people) are really making an impact. Here’s a shoutout to everyone who applied for ed positions! We’ll see a bunch of new names in the ed box next issue, and let me just say, we’ve got some real talent. So watch out, fictional person who would be threatened. They’re gunning for you. And let me close by saying , Jeff, it’s been quite the run. I hope you enjoyed your one-man prodrunktion as much as we all enjoyed watching it, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that you’ll be greatly missed next quarter. Don’t forget to stop by some time, and let us know what exactly it is that people with your major do when they graduate. We’re all wondering.

Sora Chee Rosa Cho Kevin Chu Janine Davis Andrew Deneris James Dohleman Daniel Early Dylan Everingham Alison Gilchrist Aurnik Islam

Marina Karastamatis Allie Kiekhofer Kyle Koerber Ayan Kusari Tom Li Trev Malone Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Kimberly Nguyen Christina Nguyen

Elizabeth O’Neil Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Boobster Club Without all of the generous dining dollar donations, the school would be a lot richer, and we would be a lot poorer. So thank you, thank you, to Garrett, Elizabeth, Farah, Ryan, Connor, Avi, Andrew, Audrey, Sora, and Trevor. It’s also the season for cookies and holiday cheer, it would seem, which is why both Jessi and Monica brought festive cookies, Brian brought cookies, and Alison took the easy way out and just baked us some cookies. And finally, the part that you’ve all been waiting for; if anyone drops dead in the next few days, the first suspect will be Rosa, who brought sodas and the most disgustingly addicting cheese poofs, followed by Bora, who contributed his usual Red Vines. Seriously, Bora? Again?

December 5, 2012

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Georgia Senator Takes Stand Against Recreational Abortion

EDITORIAL

To Prevent It from Collapsing into Rust, Save Geisel We Must!

BY AUDREY OLSON Staff Writer

ollowing the seventh sign of the Apocalypse and President Obama’s unrelated re-election this past November, recent reports of Georgia senator Todd Whitmore’s campaign against the practice of recreational abortion have been confirmed in what Whitmore claims to be “a final stand against the rampant sin that has been plaguing this country for exactly four years too long.” According to recent statistics, abortion for the purpose of “sheer fun” has risen from 0.5 percent to two percent between 2010 and the present day, mostly due to contraception failure, insufficient finances, birth defects and “just to spite crazy Catholic parents” according to area man David Dugard, a dedicated loiterer in the local abortion clinic parking lot. Rather than eliminate the entire right to an abortion in Georgia, Whitmore is only targeting a small party of self-proclaimed recreational abortionists, which, by definition of Georgia law, includes “any individual who voluntarily participates in a clinical abortion for the sole purpose of taking pleasure from the mutilation and death of their unborn child and the eternal damnation and hellfire emanating therefrom.” In order to further the reach of his movement, Whitmore has hired hundreds of recently unemployed middle- to lower-class workers to hold signs outside of Georgia’s abortion clinics denouncing its recreational services. “The pay here is definitely better than the IT job I got laid off from,” Whitmore employee Frank Wang, 62, noted. “I’ve

BY THEODOR GEISEL Cryogenically Frozen

H PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

This game is much more family-friendly than the baby toss. almost paid off the B.S. degree I earned from when I was going to school in California.” In addition to staging protests, Whitmore has also attempted to pass a number of bills that would economically impair avid pursuers of recreational abortion until he can succeed in banning the practice outright. As recently as November, Whitmore opted out of his initially proposed tax on “horny high school students with sub-par grades in freshman health class” in favor of one on “sexually active couples with a proven passion for aborted fetuses.” “If there’s one thing God hates more than pre-marital sex,” Whitmore recently stated, “it’s anything that makes me vaguely uncomfortable to watch. In retrospect, premarital sex should probably

fall in this category. Definitely premarital sex. Wait, can I change my answer?” Whitmore’s crusade has already been met with fierce opposition by a devoted Georgian super-minority. “Having an abortion is hard enough as it is,” a local area woman commented. “If only there was a way to take out the tiring sexual component and the three month wait before a real fetus develops. It always feels so much better when you can murder something with actual, albeit underdeveloped, limbs.” When questioned about how Whitmore’s campaign will affect his business, Georgian abortion doctor Tak Watanabe expressed little concern about the impact to his trade with the loss of such a significant a faction

of his clientele. “Contrary to popular belief,” Watanabe stated, “[recreational abortionists] contribute nothing to my line of work. In fact, the only thing they seem to do is propagate the belief that everyone who has an abortion is a sadistic babykiller. Some of the fantasies they demand that I play out with coat hangers and vacuum cleaners are downright horrifying.” Whitmore’s movement may have had little effect on the greater issue of abortion within the United States as of yet, but it promises to cripple Georgia’s recreational abortionist demographic by the end of the year and save countless individuals from what may or may not be infanticide; lawyers are “still looking for a Bible verse on it.”

Freshman Still Wearing “I Voted” Sticker

PHOTO BY ANDREW DENERIS

“You laugh at me, but we have all participated in the laughable illusion of American democracy,” this student said. BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-in-Chief

ources in Sixth College reported this week that freshman Wyatt Butler, who voted for the first time in this most recent presidential election, has yet to cease wearing his “I Voted” sticker daily. “Lucky for me, I put it on this cardigan,” Butler said. “If it was on a T-shirt, I’d probably have been forced to wash it some time this week.” Others discovered the sticker after rumors about a ketchup stain on Butler’s cardigan reached the ears of a concerned RA. “I was just worried about his well being,” Shane Wu said. “You know how it is, first time away from home, and nobody remembers to put on their bibs.” However, when Wu inves-

tigated further, she found instead a misguided freshman who believed that his “I Voted” sticker not only portrayed “the sort of patriotism and responsibility every college student should exude,” but also continued to bring him free food. “Yeah, Foodworx was not too happy about that one,” Wu said. Butler reported that he was overjoyed that “finally, someone noticed my sticker,” and expressed surprise that the pizzas he had been receiving from Foodworx had been neither free nor intended for his consumption. “I didn’t know those were order forms,” he admitted, readjusting his cardigan to more prominently display the sticker. “I just figured people were voting on what kind of pizza they should sell.”

“I’m a big fan of voting,” he added. “But you could probably tell that just by looking at me.” Those close to Butler reported seeing the sticker in “a couple of Facebook profile pictures,” but were unable to provide more detailed information. “How about you answer a question for me,” one student told reporters. “Is this going to be on the BILD 1 final?” Despite backlash from peers and the university’s Housing, Dining and Hospitality department, Butler refuses to remove the sticker from his jacket. “It’s a sign of something greater than me,” he said. “Proof that I was an important part of the historic decision to keep things exactly the way they were before.” “Also, I’m pretty sure it’s just fused to the fabric at this

point,” he added. Since the story of Butler’s sticker hit the Internet, a number of students have come forward to admit that, though they discarded their “I Voted” stickers within 12 hours of receiving them, they are still wearing the lanyards they got at orientation. “Sure, it’s not the same thing, but I’m proud of it nonetheless,” third year Brian Yang said. “I mean, look around; I’m pretty much the only junior who’s responsible enough to still have one.” As the quarter ends, Butler simply hopes that his political science teacher will take note of that fact that he voted before he grades his final. “I need all the help I can get in that class,” he said. “It’s all so confusing! It’s a good thing there’s no wrong answer when it comes to real elections.”

ere, here, here, have you heard? Quickly now! We must spread the word! Geisel Library, overflowing with many a book, and filled during finals week, students in each cranny and nook, will most assuredly be shut down without a closer look! With the economy on the fritz, educational funds are the first to take hits. Try and try as we may to raise awareness of this disaster, if nothing is done there will be none to purvey. I need you to beg, to plead, to ask pretty please, if only just to have a chance to fix this unease. Most of my works may indeed be of fiction, but please don’t focus just on the diction. There may be foxes, boxes, and even a couple of oxes, but taking away books will be something that surely flummoxes. The effect of education cannot be measured with a ruler, a timer, or a scale; attempting to do so will, without fail, lead to lives that are at best stale. I am afraid that my efforts to convince you will not be enough; even now you assume I present nothing but a bluff. Believe it or not, we had the same worries before, when outer space was the frontier

to explore. That old dog Laika streaking across the starry sky had us wondering, “What happened to our education, and why?” I assure you, do not be perplexed, bewildered, or confused about the staggering space race for whose start a dog was accused. Our unified desire to achieve a dream, whose implications I hope I did gleam, will become for education the best possible scheme. It is not necessarily books that matter, nor one particular word, if the reader sitting before them is not stirred. Reading opens up many an avenue, a road, a street, especially if you wish to do many a feat while you race in life’s great track meet. Books will not vanish overnight, they most certainly will not. But if we ignore them, they will slowly be forgot. Books will make you think, make you cry, and perhaps even make you laugh. Yet words cannot help you learn if done on your behalf. Here at this university, books are not opened to memorize a number, figure, or fact. It is what we do with them, how we choose to enact. The contents of a book are for you to judge, so without your permission its meaning will not budge. So now without much further confusion, I hope that I have safely led you to this conclusion. Books let us learn, be free without exclusion, especially when there is a strong chance for an allusion. Alas, I had hoped to reach the end of this curse. Long has my condition been difficult, looming and adverse. Surely by now you will have seen in my writing rhyme I do intersperse. Try, try, and try as I may, I cannot help but write in verse.

TOP TEN

Awkward Things to Say Under the Mistletoe 10. Was that turducken in your mouth? 9. I don’t really celebrate Christmas … 8. Did you know that mistletoe is parasitic? Kind of like you? 7. I’m beginning to regret coming to this family Christmas party 6. Missiletoe? I didn’t even know missiles had feet 5. We’re both men, so I don’t think this is sanctioned by baby Jesus 4. Hey guys, room for one more? 3. This is almost as good as the time I met your sister 2. Mistletoe is just another attempt to commercialize Christmas 1. So, botany, huh?

TOP TEN

UCSD Holiday Carols 10. The 12 Days of Midterms 9. Deck the Halls with Annoying RA Decorations 8. Good King Wenceskhosla 7. Grandma Got Run Over by a Longboarder 6. All I Want for Christmas is My 2.0 5. God Rest Ye Marye Anne Fox 4. Rockin’ Around the Talking Tree 3. Yudof the Red-Nosed Reindeer 2. Silent Night 1. O Come, All Ye Awkward

theMQ.org

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December 5, 2012

Christmas Rescheduled Due to Apocalypse Forecast BY KEVIN CHU

“Game of Thrones” is the Better Fantasy Franchise BY MEGAN RUTHERFORD

Would Die Without HBO h, so you like “Lord of the Rings”? That’s great. So does that sixth-grader over there. Do you see him? Did you see how he just put that little piece of snot on his tongue? Now he’s licking it. That’s a “Lord of the Rings” fan, in all likelihood. It’s a classic, yes, but so is “Winnie the Pooh,” and you don’t see any Academy Awards going that way any time soon. Besides, your following is mostly people who think they love “Lord of the Rings,” but can’t seem to say much more about it than “You shall not pass!” and “Martin Freeman as a hobbit, that’s just precious.” How can you call that devotion? Liking “Lord of the Rings” is to understanding fantasy genre as listening to “Yellow” is to understanding Coldplay. I may have liked “Lord of the Rings” in the past, but that was before I understood what good taste was.

Staff Writer

ue to the possibility that humanity may be wiped off of the face of the Earth following December 21, Pope Benedict XVI announced his intention to reschedule Christmas to an earlier date. His Holiness decreed last Tuesday that since Earth will be “plunged into a hellfire Armageddon” on December 21, he would allow the world to celebrate the birth of Christ on December 17 so “everyone would have one last chance to honor His birth before their bodies are wiped from existence.” “If only the Mayans hadn’t foretold of the day, then we might be able to enjoy this Christmas and many more,” the Pope stated at a press conference in the Vatican last week. “We should have destroyed their civilization before they finished making their Goddamned — I mean, g-dang — calendar.” The Pope also revealed plans to move all major religious holidays celebrating the Lord and Savior to the days before mankind’s demise. Easter is now taking place the day after Christmas, with Good Friday celebrations taking place in the first few hours of Easter day and being renamed “Good Midnight ‘Til Like, 2 a.m.” Additionally, Lent will now be reduced to the last 40 minutes of Christmas Day, during which people around the world are encouraged to fast for the entirety of the near hourlong period, or at least abstain from meat every seventh minute. Christian communities around the world are planning weeklong festivals to celebrate all things Christ, tentatively named “Christravaganza,” to go with the pope’s placement of events in the week. The festival will feature events across

POINT

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“The puppy I left them will have a hard time surviving that explosion,” Santa said. every church, such as the Hourly Prayer, where festival attendees are encouraged to drop everything they are doing to beg God for forgiveness in hopes that they will not die in a flood of fire and brimstone come December 21, and Charity-thons where attendees perform as many charitable deeds as possible to win tickets that can be redeemed for prizes. “We’re having bunkerbuilding workshops so that our attendees can try and ride out the end of mankind,” San Diego Hope Church president Margaret Filmore said. “And we’re also selling our very last batch of our famous bacon-wrapped Body of Christ Dogs, so get one of those before we’re all dead!” Surprisingly, the retail

industry seems most worried by the changes in date. Stores around the world are struggling to come up with new deals and advertisement campaigns to appeal to folks shopping for their last lastminute gifts for these lastminute holidays. “We’re just struggling to hit both markets for the maximum profit,” stated Macy’s CEO Terry J Lundgren. “I mean, Christmas honors Jesus’ birth, and Easter honors Jesus’ death and rebirth; shoppers honor those two events very differently through their shopping habits. “This is so difficult to deal with,” Lundgren sighed. “I just want to have as much extra money to swim in before we are crushed by the endless

shower of meteors.” Admist the flurry of work happening around him, Benedict XVI continues to work toward uniting the church in celebrating his glory one last time before we are all reduced to specks of meat floating in space. He is currently filming an infomercial highlighting the similarities between the different sects titled, “Aren’t We All Just Sinners, Anyway?” “As much as we’d like for celebrations to happen on the days we want to have them, the damn prediction those Mayans made just won’t budge,” exasperated the Pope. “I mean, Jesus wasn’t even born on December 25 and we made that a thing. Can’t those guys just fiddle with the date and move it back a year or something?”

Family Fostering Wounded Bird Learns About Each Other, Themselves

Okay, maybe I’m a little bitter. I used to love “Lord of the Rings.” But how can you love something when everybody else likes it? When it’s familiar to everyone? It’s no longer yours. I needed exclusivity, privacy. I needed “Lord of the Rings” to be mine and mine only. And it wasn’t. Let’s hope that “Game of Thrones” never gets that popular. ‘Cause if it does, I swear, I will end up hating it as much as I hate everyone who says they like it more than I do.

COUNTERPOINT

Your Opinions Are Mostly Fantasy BY IMRAN JARRAH

Probably Hates Lannisters, Others

’m not a sixth grader, dumbass; I’ve got hairs. They think that just because they have an award-winning television show, and a series of books, they’re better than us. But they don’t have a movie. They don’t have New Zealand. They don’t have a hilarious commercial with an airplane full of hobbits. Do you know what they have? Nudity. Incest. Infanticide. A girl obsessed with dragons. Actually, I’m not sure about the infanticide. Look, I don’t mean to sound like the Parent’s Television Council, and I’m sorry if I sound like the grandfather that you wish would age faster. Clearly, I know very little about “Game of Thrones.” But, I do know lots about their fans, and I know they’re all various shades of crazy. I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this. I’m not insulted at all that you don’t like “Lord

of the Rings.” But when did people start becoming so obsessed with their own niche of pop culture? At what point did my genre of everlasting virginity slip off its chastity belt and start whipping its genitals around in a frenzy of chimpanzee-like aggression? Liking fantasy used to make you the biggest loser, a meek, introverted basement troglodyte. But now, it doesn’t. Fantasy’s got style and sophistication and sex and appeal. And it’s so frustrating when people who aren’t like me enjoy it.

TOP FIFTEEN

Similarities Between Your Love Life and a White Elephant Exchange

“Mom?” the bird asked. “Is that you? What have they done to you?” BY DYLAN BLACKIE AND MONICA BHIDE

Staff Writer and Managing Editor

ources confirmed on Friday, November 30, that a local family has grown “in more ways than one” during the shared guardianship of a small cerulean warbler that had an injured left wing after crash-landing in their yard. The DeNaccio family has seen a sharp rise in the number of such incidents after the installation of their four-story personal wind generator. The decision to foster the bird was reportedly a much nicer alternative to their father just killing the bird and “throwing it away like usual,”

daughters Eliza and Stephanie said. “I could only tell the girls that the birds would be happier that way so many times,” father Alexander DeNaccio explained. “And this time, as I readied my bird-killing machine — you know, my right foot — I looked into the eyes of that bird and saw him looking right back at me, into the eyes of my heart.” The family claims that they had “really no idea” what they were getting into. “What we all thought would just be a few days turned into a week, and then two weeks, and then three,” Cheryl DeNaccio described. “And pretty soon it was like, wow, I guess this is an actual commitment or something.”

“Ugh,” she added. Eliza’s diary confirms that after nine days, the bird, nicknamed “Franzie,” had regained control of the upper part of its left wing. The diary goes on to explain how “just as Franzie lifted up his wing, he lifted up the family spirit,” and, “Daddy doesn’t mind the poop on the TV so much anymore.” The common goal of healing the bird has helped distract the family from the crippling trauma of Uncle Rob’s glue addiction. “We’ve definitely shared some really heart-breaking experiences,” Cheryl explained. “I know that our family will never be the same. But Franzie has taught us the importance of hope, forgiveness, and most

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

importantly, love.” But the bird’s influence was not restricted to the DeNaccio household. Over the last few weeks, Franzie spent his few spare hours teaching a group of neighborhood bullies how to love themselves before they can love others. Current bully Johnson James shared, “That bird may have had hollow bones, but it was us who had hollow hearts.” At the time of interview, Franzie was unable to be reached for comment, as he was sitting in a bush more than a stone’s throw away. “In the end, you could say the bird fostered us,” Alexander commented. “You can put that in your article if you think it would sell more papers.”

15. The biggest packages aren’t actually the best 14. That Shake Weight came in handy 13. Your three trade-ins are up 12. The office party mandates it 11. You just pick something up at the gas station on the way to the party 10. Sometimes people are just too lazy to wrap their stuff 9. Not sure what to do with the cooking oil 8. Regifting 7. It lasts about an hour 6. Only happens one night a year 5. You end up just pleasing yourself 4. Always more fun with your non-Christian friends 3. Feign excitement to help get the shitty things off your hands 2. There’s absolutely no way of knowing what the recipient wants 1. Sometimes you just get screwed

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December 5, 2012

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Proposition 40 Tells UC Students to Go Fuck Themselves

“Halo 4” Released, Millions of Virginities Preserved

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“My favorite result of this proposition is the trickle-down effect it causes,” Khosla laughed. BY FARAH ABOUZEID Staff Writer

ollowing the wave of Republican initiatives threatening to raise University of California tuition while simultaneously lowering budgets on all 10 campuses, the proposed Proposition 40 negates all previous attempts at hampering higher education and instead advises all UC students to “go fuck themselves.” The proposition has been backed by Senators Bob Huff, Mark Wyland, and Ted Gaines, as well as the dwindling majority of other conservative representatives in California. The blatant hostility behind the initiative is most likely based on the fact that Republicans as a whole are rumored to dislike UC students due to their generally lowerand middle-class standing

and overall liberal mindset, and apparently hope that this message gets across by permanently hindering their academic success. This animosity may be explained by the recent passage of Proposition 30, which ensures that “In 20122013, planned spending reductions, primarily to education programs, would not occur.” However, some argue that this is the result of tension that has been building for years and, while seemingly unfair, is at least more upfront than previous initiatives about the hatred the Republican Party has been passive-aggressively harboring against UC students. “Prop 40 illustrates this perspective through a threepoint plan,” Huff explained when unveiling it on the Senate floor. “First, it aims to secure only the least educated and most incoherent teaching assistants in all

discussion sections, particularly upper division political science classes, in order to thwart the career ambitions of campus Democrats.” Senator Gaines expressed his disappointment that this will also affect Republican students, but admits, “If they’re attending a UC, they probably aren’t much of an asset to the party anyways.” The second part of Prop 40 proposes a ban on all social events and clubs hosted on UC campuses in order to severely lower students’ confidence and inhibit their social skills to the point that they have little to no chance of contributing significantly to society. While many claim that this measure is excessively harsh, Republicans point out that UCSD students would remain unfazed by this new development due to the common misconception that this was already a school policy.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“At this point, it looks like it’s shaping up to be a first-person shooter night,” this UCSD boyfriend said. “We’re both going single-player, that’s for damn sure.” BY ANDREW DENERIS

Finally, Prop 40 reinstates the position that all UC students should go fuck themselves by providing a lengthy, detailed list of how this can be achieved, which has been mailed out to students at both their home and school addresses. In order to encourage student participation in the proposition, write-in submissions for the next update are encouraged, and the most creative contributors are awarded a free “Go Fuck Yourselves, UC Students” sticker by mail, which are paid for by a $400,000 budget cut to humanities programs across the campuses. Across California, outraged students have responded to Prop 40 in a resounding, “What the hell?!” UCSD third year Carl Brinkley states, “If this proposition passes, I’m not sure whether I should drop out to avoid humiliation or if that’s just giving them what they want.”

Obama Expands War on Terror to Include US Citizens, Christmas

Staff Writer

erds everywhere rejoiced as Microsoft released “Halo 4,” the newest installment in the highly successful gaming franchise. Their parents, it was reported, were equally happy to hear of the game’s release, as it will virtually guarantee that those who purchase it will not go to a single party or have a single sexual relationship for at least another year. Local parent Lisa Krautz was overjoyed upon seeing her son George sitting on his couch, staring intently at the screen as he destroyed Prometheans. “We are so relieved,” she said. “We were worried for a while that he would start actually hanging out with friends — or worse, a girl — but now that this game is out, hopefully he’ll forget all about actually having a life.” When asked whether he was planning on going on a date or seeing any friends anytime soon, George responded, “Dammit! You distracted me from totally pwning this noob!” He later added, “Mom! I need more nachos!” George’s steadfast occupation of his mother’s couch does not appear to be an isolated incident. A survey undertaken in conjunction with the game’s release indicated that those who purchased it had a 60 percent lower chance of being asked to a dance or experiencing a sexual encounter. It also found a high correlation

between purchasing “Halo 4” and having hygiene issues, obscure allergies, and an appearance that can only be accurately described as unsightly. Local child psychologist Ann Smythe expressed optimism at these figures. “What we’re seeing here is that the widespread popularity of these video games is preserving more young people’s sexual innocence,” she said. “They also play a crucial role in keeping these kids sheltered from the horrors of the outside world, such as dating, parties, and worst of all, drinking. And if these kids enter college not knowing about these things, they’ll surely be much less tempted to find out about them once they enter college.” Some also believe that video games have a beneficial effect on the overall health of the population. “If these video games weren’t around, who knows how many more cases of skin cancer and teenage pregnancy would occur?” renowned sociologist Dr. Ann Drymer asked. “It’s certainly a blessing that these games are able to keep so many kids inside and away from members of the opposite sex.” Researcher Brent Davis of the Center for Classification of the Educated, however, was skeptical of just how much of an effect the video games really have. “I’m not sure that it’s the video games that are keeping these kids from getting laid,” he said. “I mean, have you seen some of these kids? Yeesh, talk about acne problems.”

TOP TEN

Things That Could Be Overheard at a Holiday Dinner Party or a Strip Club “After 9/11, we can’t be too careful with bearded men in flying vehicles,” President Obama said. BY KEVIN QUIOROLO MQ Crazy Uncle

he American Civil Liberties Union announced yesterday that the pending National Defense Authorization Act of 2013 would go beyond its 2012 predecessor by allowing suspension of habeas corpus for “any individual or group infiltrating U.S. citizens’ homes, especially through their chimney.” ACLU president Susan Herman argued that this legislation would unconstitutionally target “Santa Claus and chimney sweeps” for indefinite detention. Leaders of Congress denied the act’s unconstitutional nature, but were equivocal regarding the possible arrest of Mr. Claus. “The renewal of this bill would simply replicate last year’s

bill, with minimal risk of arrest for Santa Claus,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, later adding, “But why would Santa’s supporters worry about his arrest if he really has nothing to hide?” House Majority Leader John Boehner matched Reid’s statements, saying, “It might be time for girls and boys on the nice list to make a sacrifice for their country like everybody else.” The response of national news networks has been a blizzard of commentary and speculation. Conservative pundits lauded the expansion of the War on Terror, but decried the expansion of the War on Christmas. “If we have to suspend habeas corpus to defend rule of law, that’s what we’ll do,” Gretchen Carlson of “Fox and Friends” said. “But Santa Claus? Not on my watch.”

Red Cross officials warned that an arrest of Mr. Claus could result in a humanitarian crisis due to the many families who depend on their boys and girls being extra naughty for enough coal to survive the winter. FEMA representatives said that the CIA has shared copies of Mr. Claus’s list, but Hurricane Sandy has reportedly interfered with their ability to check it twice. “We wanted to scan it into an Excel spreadsheet,” FEMA representative Ruddy Dasher said, “but the roll of parchment was too unwieldy.” The announcement comes on the heels of documents leaked last month which suggested that Santa Claus had been subject to an NSA terrorism investigation lasting from 2009 to 2011. NSA agents began monitoring Mr. Claus in 2008 when

PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

Little Timmy’s wish for “world peace” resulted in munitions from Al-Qaeda stockpiles being shipped to the North Pole. National protest erupted last week when Little Timmy, who had been on the nice list for six years, was detained and put on timeout in Guantanamo Bay. He was soon sent home, but under heavy surveillance and no dessert for a month. A high level official close to the NSA operation explained, “We have very good evidence indicating that Santa Claus thought about terrorist activity.” The documents show Santa Claus has broken no laws nor made any preparation for an act of terror. When pressed about Mr. Claus’s apparent innocence, the official, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “In national security, just as in the holiday season, it’s the thought that counts.”

10. I like these thighs, they’re really thick 9. So, you must be Tommy’s new girlfriend 8. Shut up, Dad, you’re drunk 7. Santa Claus is coming tonight 6. This all went downhill once Grandma started taking her clothes off 5. I understand how he climbs down, but how does he get back up? 4. Go back to the kids table 3. I can’t wait for the cranberry sauce 2. Now I get why there’s a two-drink minimum 1. It’s too bad this is all going to go in the dumpster tomorrow

THE

Think you can do better? Tuesdays. 6p.m. Half Dome.

Page 6

theMQ.org

== === ==== guide ==to== winter =break= ==

The terrifying world of Winter Break is rapidly approaching. You might be asking yourself, “What’s Winter Break?” or “How will I live without all that school work to distract me from the

ts n e r a

ever-present mediocrity that pervades my life?” We can’t really help you with that first question, but for those of you pondering the second, we have just the thing for you.

December 5, 2012

Holiday

Gifts Winter break comes from the Latin word for “a time to give people junk,” and even though it’s a dead language, it knew a thing or two back in its day. After all, it discovered all the bones in the human body. Here are a few ideas to help you out in your time of gift-giving need.

A bad example

Disappointment Ë

Macaroni framed picture you made for them in bio Ë

· A grandchild Ë

A piece of crap who will spend the next three weeks loafing around the house

With all that drinking you’ll be doing good idea. It’s not. But if you don’t bel you do things right

Make dog-shaped Lai-tkes to impress your family of Russian cosmonauts

ing l b i s

A pack of peanuts and this month’s riveting issue of Skymall

coo

Finally take your Thanksgiving turkey out of the oven

Cupcake baked with love, cannabis Ë

Your terabyte of porn ... er, tax reports

pro

Rosetta Stone English

fess o

The TA you kept locked in your closet all quarter Ë

Antiperspirant Ë

A sloppy make-out sesh while listening to NPR in their Subaru

Winter

break selfimprovement

Being

home

Chances are, your parents won’t be used to you being ba at home and will continue having just as much sex as th did when you were gone. Here are some things to do so you can get away from the sounds of them making you baby sister.

Fight current high schoolers for your old smoke spots

You could go to RIMAC every day for the first two weeks of next year, or you could start early on something that will make your life better for more than just early January.

Congratulate your high school frien on the birth of his/her second chil

Start band, break up band, make do mentary about “getting the ol’ ban back together”

Take long distance body pillow girlfriend out on date

Spend time wishing you were back school

On Switch hands

Wear a bag over your head

campus

Play dominoes with eighth floor Gei bookshelves

If you’re stuck on campus, here are some activities to help you get over the fact that your parents don’t love you. Ingest tapeworms to stave off freshman 15

Clean and sharpen mysteriously extensive collection of knives and surgical tools

Take significant other on Four Lok tasting tour

Have sex with your roommate’s bed

Spend time wishing you were back at home

Come out to parents as UCSD student

Learn some bitchin’ speed runs on your flute, just in time for Yuletide

Finally discover why absolutely no one is talking about Hi-Thai

Get leg up on next quarter’s classe

December 5, 2012

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Page 7

ooking tips

g, you’ll probably decide cooking is a lieve us, here are some tips to ensure t, at the very least.

Create chaos at the dinner table by baking gender-neutral gingerbread people

Holiday

They identify as “delicious”

Cleanse your electric whisk of extraneous bodily fluid

conversation guide Make candy wheelchairs to accomodate growing elderly population

Whichever holiday you celebrate, this time of year means you’ll have to talk to people. And, as a UCSD student, you could use all the help you can get! With that in mind, we’ve decided to provide you with these two common examples to help you navigate the dangerous arena of social interaction.

Your Great-Aunt Helen

Your cousin Molly’s new boyfriend she met abroad

ack hey o ua

“So, how did you meet Molly?”

Feign awe, mouth “wow” over and over again

“How romantic!”

nd ld

Open your eyes wide, slowly open mouth wider and wider “Isn’t that what mosquito nets are for?”

ocund

Laugh, throw fake punches to his abdomen

“Sorry. Wow, that’s pretty infected.”

isel

== === ==== guide ==to== winter =break= ==

“So, did you sign the secession petition?”

Begin to nod “Oh? Tell me more about that local militia.”

Cross your arms, furrow your brow to feign interest “No, that’s your nurse. He’s not here to steal jobs from hardworking Americans.”

Gently yet firmly remove knife from Aunt Helen’s hands “I’m surprised Uncle Kevin was able to get parole in time for the holidays.”

Finish your glass of wine, because he doesn’t know you’re underage and his story sucks.

Laugh heartily, shake your head as if to say “Oh, that Kevin”

“Oh, yeah, I read about things over there. That’s messed up, man.”

“Well, Aunt Helen, honestly, you were way more fun before your husband died.”

“And a kwazy Kwanzaa to you, good sir.”

Creative

new years' noisemakers New Year’s Eve is a special night – we usher in a new year by hooking up with people we shouldn’t and being generally as obnoxious as possible. We can’t help you with the first part, but use these to be the most annoying person at your party!

Tap out “Auld Lang Syne” on your car horn, realize it only has one tone

Start a political argument between two family members

A gun, before Obama takes them all away

Kick your dog harder than usual

Count down until they drop the bass

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December 5, 2012

Bass Pro Shops Bankrupt, Rednecks Discover Kickstarter

Freshmen Dreading Winter Quarter Unolympics

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“The detainment and strip-search were terrible, but forcing us to do arm circles to ‘Gangnam Style’ was downright dehumanizing,” an anonymous Sixth College student said. BY CODY DONAHUE Editor-In-Chief

PHOTO BY ELIZABETH O’NEIL

“Donate five cents, get a smile. Donate ten cents, get a high five. Donate a peso, get the hell out of my country, you immigrant,” one supporter said. BY TREV MALONE Staff Writer

utdoor sports and hunting superstore chain Bass Pro Shops declared bankruptcy Wednesday, inciting public outrage among its loyal customer base. As a result, the company unexpectedtedly moved to use the donation-based project-funding site Kickstarter. The declaration comes as no surprise to financial analysts who have observed a large decline in the company’s profit margins after the growing number of robberies of stores following the chain’s recent “Buy one loaded gun, get one free” sale. Eugene Sanders, a company representative, gleefully described the failing business as “encouraging to

gun enthusiasts of all ages.” “It’s all about Second Amendment rights,” Sanders explained. “If someone walks into our store to look at one of our many loaded firearms, and, when given a chance to hold said loaded firearm, chooses to point it at the cashier and ‘blow their effin’ brains out’ if they don’t ‘give em’ all the cash and beef jerky they can carry,’ who are we to deny them that?” Public outcry over the event has been derived mostly from white conservatives in the Midwest, who, in a national survey, answered their favorite color as “Is camo a color?” in an overwhelming majority, along with muffled expletives concerning the reelection of President Obama. Disapproval of the recent financial breakdown of the chain has for the most part

been conveyed through “Free BPS” bumper stickers in place of the traditional Confederate Flags. “Us Rednecks needed ta’ get mo’ creative,” said Wal-Mart Greeter and selfproclaimed redneck William ‘Bucky’ Stevens. Stevens’ non-profit organization, the NAARNP, or the National Association for the Advancement of Red-Necked People, released yesterday a page on the popular donationbased project funding website Kickstarter with the goal of “100 Guhzillion Dollahs” to revitalize the company. Daisy Smith, a NAARNP spokesperson, described the jump to more technologybased means as “Pretty damn easy! We just went over ta’ the local video game shop and grabbed some real nerdy lookin’ guys to do it fer us.” One such “nerd” was Oliver

Jeffrey, a college graduate with a degree in computer science, who had a different opinion on the efforts of the NAARNP. “I don’t really understand why they hired ten of us to start just one Kickstarter page,” explained Jeffrey. “There are step-by-step instructions on the website. It took me three minutes but they keep paying us to be here, so we have been playing ‘League of Legends’ for the past few days. They didn’t even know how to turn on the computer!” Some of the incentives for donation include a sweet-ass belt buckle” for a $100 donation and a “pair of cowboy boots” with a $500 donation. The page has not reached its goal, but, as Ms. Smith puts it, is “pretty close ‘cause some European guy donated 10 euros and that’s like a million American, right?”

NASA Robots Still Stuck on Red Planet BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

s news of the successful landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars slowly disappeared from popular media channels, now exciting the imaginations of only the nerdiest of children, scientists at NASA found their initial jubilation replaced by a familiar sense of confusion and frustration. The rover, like its various predecessors, has yet to fulfill its primary function: returning to Earth. Scientists at NASA have expressed dismay over the situation. “Why the hell won’t these things come back?” Charles Elachi, director of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, asked. “It’s like herding cats up there! Broken, robotic cats.” “I thought the Challenger disaster was bad, but this is ridiculous,” he added. “We might lose funding!” According to NASA reports, Curiosity is the latest attempt at a retrieval mission that began after the first landing of a Mars rover, Mars 2, ended catastrophically. Not only did it result in the loss of the rover, it also threatened to permanently destroy the “street cred” of NASA. “We’ve been trying to repair the mistake ever since,” Elachi said. “So far, we’ve just been looking more and more like those idiots at SpaceX. Those smug assholes wouldn’t know a rover from a jeep.” After the failure of Mars 2, NASA initiated several programs designed to retrieve the lost rover. The first three

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“At least we don’t have to go home to our families,” one rover said. attempts, Mars 3, Sojourner, and Beagle 2, all ended quickly with very little communication. However, the rovers Spirit and Opportunity both landed successfully. Despite some initial setbacks involv-

ing a less-than-accurate map and some stubbornness on the part of Opportunity, who refused to ask for directions, the two robots eventually began to make their way towards the stranded Mars 2.

After a promising five years, Spirit lost communication with NASA, leaving the team disappointed. “It was going so well,” lead scientist Alan Stern mourned. “Just a few more years of travel and they would have both been able to take advantage of the sweet-ass catapult we built into Spirit.” Opportunity, meanwhile, is still going strong and looks to make contact with Mars 2 by 2015. With luck, both rovers will be able to take advantage of the “Totally Rad Magnetic Doohickey” Opportunity is towing to get the instruments safely back to Earth. Unfortunately, NASA is aware that even if this mission is successful, it will have to expand its operations to retrieve what can now be accurately described as the “small fleet” of rovers currently on Mars. “Curiosity was our next best chance, but we really screwed the pooch here,” NASA rocket scientist Bobak Ferdowsi said. “Somebody accidentally programmed in some weird climate analysis software and now all it does is take weird pictures and measure chemicals in soil samples. Jesus Christ, could it be any more useless?” Some NASA professionals are making the most of a sticky situation, however. “As long as they’re up there, they might as well be useful,” Henry Putnam, third-floor janitor, said. “Could you get one to pick up a Mars rock? My kid thinks it’ll give him superpowers or something.” “Between you and me, he’s kind of a dumbass,” he added.

ollowing the decision earlier this week to hold an Unolympics as a part of Winter Quarter Welcome Week, freshmen across campus have reported an increase in anxiety, depression, and the number of peers trying to pressure them into making jerky, dance-like moves with their bodies. “No, no, lift your feet more,” Sixth College RA Hadrian Carpathia shouted to a group of freshmen walking to class earlier this week. “Okay, now flap your arms like they’re wings, and spin around in a circle. Damn it, come back here! There’s no running away in this part!” The last time Unolympics was attempted in the winter was December of 1973, and though a tragic bobsledding incident did lead to the establishment of the Junkyard Derby, it was generally regarded as a major mistake. “This year’s going to be different,” Senior Vice Chancellor of Healthy Student Interactions Gertrude Stieglitz promised. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I see a ton of students looking awkward over there. I should probably go help.” Due to poor turnout in Fall Quarter, attendance at the upcoming Unolympics will be mandatory for all undergrads. Other Winter Quarter Welcome Week events are set to include free syllabi in most lecture halls around campus, and a special markup on sweatpants at the bookstore. “We really want to ensure that the winter admits feel as though the school treasures [laughing at] them as much as

we treasured [laughing at] all of the fall admits,” Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla explained. “They may not have been smart enough to get in during the first quarter, but that just means there’s a real chance they’re coordinated enough to jump up and down without hurting themselves.” Still, the majority of the responsibility for the honor of the colleges lies firmly on the students already in attendance. ERC is reportedly attempting to recover from a poor showing this fall by making training a required portion of the MMW finals, and longtime favorite Sixth College has subtly begun moving its dorms further and further from campus to give its students more of a workout. “We expect to be across the freeway sometime next week,” an anonymous Sixth College source told reporters. “We’re pretty sure students won’t notice the difference, and the car dodging should really weed out the ones who aren’t very good at snappy hip movements.” However, students across campus assert that they have noticed the changes, such as Marshall’s decision to spill marbles on walkways in order to encourage a “really good shuffle step,” and wish that they would stop. “It’s one thing to coerce ignorant freshmen into dancing for your pleasure,” one freshman said. “It’s quite another to coerce a less ignorant person who now has sophomore standing.” Still, most plan to “suck it up” and move past it. “Yeah, sure, Unolympics is embarrassing,” ERC freshman Alec Burns said. “But can you imagine getting a C in MMW? I would never live that one down.”

TOP TEN

Reasons for Returning Your Zamboni 10. It handled differently than the test drive 9. Apparently, it’s not street legal 8. Couldn’t handle the torque 7. Hasn’t worked since the neighbor’s dog got caught in it 6. You realized driving one doesn’t make you a zamboner 5. Didn’t get you foothold into recreational hockey league’s locker room 4. Off-market “Zumbino” is just not cutting it 3. Can’t stop thinking about how many horses were killed to create your one Zamboni 2. Barred from Local Zamboni Driver’s Union 2157 1. Doesn’t have a tape deck

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December 5, 2012

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History Channel Begins Search for Next Apocalypse Thing to Produce TV Shows About

Apple Sues Granny Smith for Trademark Infringement

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

Smith is reported to be considering an apple that will “change everything ... again.” BY ADIL MISTRY Staff Writer

F PHOTO BY ROSA CHO

“Okay, this list of our fetishes is fine but we need to come up with some reason the world will end,” one executive said. BY JESSI CARR

Production Manager

s the impending end of the Mayan calendar approaches, network executives at the History Channel are reportedly scouring through history books and searching for folklore of longextinct societies in order to find the next controversial end of the world story, “just in case this one doesn’t work out or something.” “Of course we still stand behind the ideas that we’ve been broadcasting to America since 2009,” Dan Davids, president of the channel, said to a small gathering of media elite last Tuesday. “The world most absolutely will end. But in case it doesn’t, we’ll need

something to do with all this money we’ve made from selling our ‘Nostradamus 2012 Special Limited Survival Edition’ DVD box sets.” At the meeting, television critics were given previews of many shows that predict the hypothetical end of the world if the Mayan Apocalypse were not to happen. Amongst the shows proposed were “2019: Revenge of the Ancient Viking Curse” and “Chernobyl Part Two: Electric Boogaloo.” “I mean, I guess I can see how these would make OK TV,” one attendee said. “But I don’t really get why they’re putting so much effort into these new shows when the end of the 13th baktun prophesized by Confucius, Sylvia Browne, and that soothsayer from ‘Julius Caesar’ is going to end the

world before winter sweeps.” Others greeted the new lineup with enthusiasm. “I just knew that the apocalypse predicted by the Mayans wasn’t actually an end of the world scenario,” Dennis Bustamante said upon hearing the news. “After the 21st, we’ll all be experiencing the shift in cosmic consciousness that elevates us all into the next evolutionary stage of human beings, and then we can get destroyed by the flaming, dinosaur-manned meteor that’s documented in the new miniseries ‘Dino Doom.’” Panic ensued when one of the interns loudly revealed to a TV Guide correspondent that “Actually man, when I was doing this research, I realized we have it all wrong. The Mayan calendar isn’t the end

of the world. The gamma radiation left in the atmosphere from the Nazi Aliens should reach critical mass sometime in spring of 2017, and man, are we all fucked,” after one too many complimentary champagnes. Davids quickly locked the intern in a nearby supply closet and then assured to the crowd that such statements were completely incorrect. “It’s actually Fascist Alien Zombies that he researched; they created a hole in the ozone layer, and it will hypothetically kill us all by fall of 2016,” he told the shocked crowd. “The world will absolutely not be ending due to Nazi Aliens in 2017, not at all.” “I mean, come on. That would be ridiculous,” he added.

Strip Clubs Struggle to Rebuild After Hurricane Randy

ollowing its previous string of legal battles with major tech manufacturers Motorola, Google, Samsung, Amazon, and Microsoft, Apple is once again gearing up to take legal action, this time concerning the rights to its name in a recently announced lawsuit against Granny Smith’s Apple Conglomerate, which represents the majority of apple sales and a multi-billion dollar international organization. Despite Granny Smith’s history with apple products, Apple believes that they have a sufficiently strong case to go forward, stating that their contribution towards the “apple” trademark is more “significant.” Although Apple has shown success with past infringement cases, this most recent legal battle is expected to be an uphill battle for Apple, as Granny Smith’s corporation has monopolies on several different foods, including peas. As a result, Granny Smith has trademarked the letter “p” and is countersuing Apple for the use of this letter in the name of nearly everything it sells. The court is currently deciding whether the letter “p” in iPod, iPhone, and other Apple products infringes on many popular GS products such as the PPod and the PPhone — edible MP3 players and cellular phones, respectively. Circuit Court Judge Richard Posner commented, “The proceedings would have gone along much quicker if we didn’t keep confusing those two music boxes. I

kind of like the tapioca flavored one, though.” In addition, Apple’s lawsuits against GS and other fruit and tech manufacturers have raised questions about the degree to which software can be patented and considered intellectual property. This debate has been compounded as Apple and GS have both begun a veritable patent race with each attempting to gain ownership of features like swiping to unlock, overscroll bounce, and biting. Despite any valid concerns about software intellectual property, some seemed to think that Granny Smith took patenting too far after it attempted to patent “companies or groups of people authorized to act as a single entity (legally a person) and recognized as such in law with the goal of generating revenue in exchange for services or products,” which many legal scholars agreed bore an uncanny resemblance to something they couldn’t quite put their finger on. Although many in the legal field have varying opinions on who should be the victor of this case, it seems that all can agree that the legal battle has been a messy one. Judge Thomas Hartford suggested that part of the reason why these legal proceedings go on for so long is that there are no established precedents for software patents. “We’re pretty much making this up as we go along,” Judge Hartford explained. “I’m not even sure what we’re talking about anymore.” Judge Hartford then went on to recount his experience in the Vietnam War and remarked that he loved the taste of tapioca.

TOP FIFTEEN

Pieces of Little-Known Abraham Lincoln Trivia

Meteorologists say it is shaping to be a particularly “hard” winter, before giggling obnoxiously to themselves. BY JACK BEEGAN Content Editor

eports indicate that strip clubs across the northeastern United States are still reeling from the effects of Hurricane Randy, dubbed by experts to be “the horniest cataclysmic weather event” since 2007’s Pornado Outbreak, which wreaked havoc in the Midwest, destroying both the region’s sense of common decency and the town of Greensburg, Kansas. According to the Center for Human Unspeakable Behavior, colloquially known as “CHUB,” the region’s horniness levels were at their highest since Rudy Giuliani’s address following the events of

9/11, which was referred to by spectators as “moving in more ways than one.” Many believe Hurricane Randy was the result of Internet users losing power for some mysterious reason and, therefore, their precious connection to the world of porn that many believe had kept the region in order before the storm struck. “It appears the boners began in this area,” meteorologist Jimmy Richards said, motioning to the crotch area of his pants. “Pressure was especially high in the southern regions.” “Get it? Cause that’s where the boners are,” Richards added. Most strip clubs found themselves disastrously illprepared for the unstoppable

wave of lonely, porn-deprived men, who braved inexplicable weather conditions for the opportunity to ogle women. “I had to get past high winds, strong rains and a series of very harsh words from my step-dad,” Brooklyn resident Hank Johnson said. “Craig said some very mean things and really, all I want to do is see some boobs that I have no hope of ever touching.” Local strip clubs are still reeling from the surge of men like Johnson, who came ready to satisfy their addiction to naked women who would never give them the time of day. Tate’s Tits, Newark, New Jersey’s third most popular strip club, was hit particularly hard. “It’s really terrible. Where’s the government now? We

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

need it to step up and fulfill its most basic obligations,” William Tate, proprietor of Tate’s Tits, remarked. “I mean, shouldn’t they be providing basic services like sending in National Guard-trained bouncers and pole buffing? Look at that those poles. Who’s going to pay money to see women strip on these dulllooking things?” Tate asked. Sources say the strippers themselves were hit the hardest, with some unable to move due to the amount of money being thrown their way. Rumors of patrons “making it rain in the club” have circulated, leading many to suspect that their lustful proclivities granted these men command over the elements heretofore unknown to men.

15. Carried a small squirrel named Crispus in his hat 14. Refused to move anywhere in the White House unless he was walking on his hands 13. Had extramarital affair with Thomas Jefferson 12. Feared numbers over 20 11. Would remind his vice president that “Johnson” means dick on a daily basis 10. Collected igneous rocks 9. Was actually two little people put together 8. One of his eyes wasn’t lazy, the other just overachieved 7. Was only partially circumcised 6. Born in a Lincoln Log™ cabin 5. Was not the first capital of Nebraska 4. Although his official biography says he’s a Pisces, he was a total Leo 3. Defeated Jefferson Davis in a cage match with a freakin’ folding chair 2. Played lead jug in Frederick Douglass and the Abolitionists 1. Was president

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December 5, 2012

Donald Trump Still Trying to Win 2012 Election

UCMeTalk Promises Students Social Life

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“I’m not polling well since someone, whose name totally isn’t Wilson, spread the rumor that I wasn’t born on this island,” Trump said. BY SORA CHEE Staff Writer

ollowing the close of the 2012 election season, Donald Trump and his campaign managing staff released a statement saying that Trump has not yet given up and that he is still actively campaigning for the job of president of the United States, and believes that he can still be elected before 2012 draws to a close. Despite the overwhelming landslide victory of the Democratic Party, Trump declared the election unconstitutional due to “Obama’s questionable place of birth” and demanded that the entire election process restart from scratch, the third time that Trump has made the demand this year.

“I’m rich and famous, and I will spend every minute I’m not on ‘Celebrity Ap p re n t i c e’ c a m p a i g n i n g against Obama’s tyrannical administration,” Trump announced via Twitter. Still struggling to assert his legitimate existence in this presidential election and in this world, Trump, for the 10th time, extended the deadline for his offer to donate $50 million to charity if Obama releases his middle school records. However, many witnesses described Trump as sitting melancholy in his office, waiting for a response from the White House. At one point, Trump mistakenly placed his hands on a copy of the New York Times, which was immediately removed by his staff in order to not confuse Trump’s

senile mind with the facts of reality. When asked about the relevance between the President’s middle school records and his capabilities as the commander-in-chief, the puzzled Trump replied, “It doesn’t make sense! Two plus two equals five, and nothing will make sense until we bring down that Kenyanborn president.” Trump’s biggest political rival, Michelle Bachmann, had her 2016 campaign release a statement in response to his announcement. “I support Trump’s decision to stand up against a man who has brought a terrible taste for tea to America,” the statement said. “However, if it is decided that the presidential election start from the beginning, I would be a better fit for GOP candidacy because I have

a slight to non-existent understanding of America’s federal government.” Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, only hesitantly expressed her support for her father. “Just let the poor old man spend away his wealth peacefully,” she begged her Twitter followers. “By the rate of his hair loss I see at home, he really hasn’t got that much time left.” Trump’s current campaign slogan, “YOU’RE FIRED,” is struggling to gain traction among middle-class voters, and has led to a popularity rating in Gallup polls of 0.0 percent. President Obama and White House officials have not commented on Trump’s Twitter announcement and are reported to have moved on to actually important matters.

UN Declares Access to Non-Holiday Music a Human Right

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Oh, you’re pre-med?” one student asked. “So, could you tell me if this looks like gonorrhea to you?” BY WESLEY CHAN Staff Writer

fter discovering that social contact is crucial for a healthy lifestyle, the Associated Students, in partnership with the University of California has unveiled its newest social networking platform: UCMeTalk. With UCMeTalk, students from any UC campus can experience the thrill of face-to-face communication with another human being. “Every year, students glue their faces to their textbooks and pretend to study late into the night,” a statement released by the University of California read. “UCMeTalk hopes to alleviate the social deficits caused by this behavior by pairing individuals who are also moping around. By commiserating with their new acquaintances, students no longer have to file electronic complaints that are already overflowing our inboxes.” “It’s like Chatroulette and Omegle — with slightly fewer penises!” Rafaela Tiggins, the head developer of the website, said, proudly pointing at the code of conduct plastered onto the bathroom wall. “Nobody likes sausage fests. If we are to provide a kickin’ environment for students to socialize, we have to get rid of those annoying appendages hanging about. A good conversation can take off in hundreds of thousands of directions. Penises can only go in, like, two.” “Maybe three or four. You know what, I don’t have an exact figure for that, but it’s less than thousands,” she added. Others, however, are less enthusiastic about this controversial rule. “What’s the point of talking

to strangers if you can’t get naked?” Professor Dill Dennings asked, a leading researcher in interpersonal relationships. “Expressing emotional vulnerability is key to forming meaningful and intimate relationships with other people, and shaking your willy for the entire Internet to see is one of the best ways to express that vulnerability. How will I ever connect with my students now?” To prevent the inevitable onslaught of what the website calls “lameasses,” UCMeTalk is also implementing a “reputation point system,” which allows users to evaluate the conversational worth of each randomly matched partner. After each session, users can choose to either send their partner a mark of approval or what developers are calling “a suggestion to go fornicate with themselves.” “Finally,” Victor Bum, a self-proclaimed modern socialite, said, “another measurement to determine my worth as a person. Facebook ‘likes’ are way too mainstream for my taste. UCMeTalk points, on the other hand, help me get up in the morning and get me through the day in a way that no other website can. If a bug wiped out all of my credits, though, I’d most likely cease to exist.” In the hopes of increasing its future alumni network, the University of California also plans to launch UC-We, a dating site catered specifically for California’s socially inexperienced students. Economists agree that such a move, if combined with a legacy application system, will increase incoming donations from future generations and close the state’s education budget deficit “by the end of the next century or two.”

TOP TEN

“Great, I can’t wait to play these records on our limited supply of fresh water,” one child said. BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor

oday, the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) unilaterally issued a declaration proclaiming access to non-holiday music during the winter months to be a natural human right. The declaration follows closely on the heels of the council proclaiming access to contraception, the Internet, and adorable kittens to be fundamental rights as well. The declaration was prompted by what SecretaryGeneral Ban Ki-moon called “massive, chilling violations of basic human dignity” across the world, especially on the North American conti-

nent, where individuals shopping for gifts and incidentals are “vigorously assaulted by festive cheer” as they attempt to complete daily tasks. “Everything is morally fine in moderation,” Ban said when asked to paraphrase the impenetrable jargon of the declaration. “If Syria wanted to kill civilians for a couple weeks, it would have been okay. If stores had wanted to play Kelly Clarkson’s ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas’ constantly for a week, it would have been okay. The role of the U.N. is to step in when it becomes excessive.” Folk music hero and now kind of gravelly-voiced singer Bob Dylan stepped in to condemn the U.N. resolution, arguing that albums like his

2009 “Christmas in the Heart” are ultimately serving the greater good. “No one should question my dedication to the cause of human rights— especially no one who has purchased tickets to my 2012 Jamnesty International benefit concert, which is sure to sell out in the near future, so get your tickets soon!” Holiday shoppers everywhere rejoiced following the declaration, and spending jumped 25 percent this week alone. The American Medical Association was quick to endorse the resolution, quoting studies that linked exposure to holiday music to “severe headaches, nausea, aural bleeding, psychosis, and pregnancy.” The UNHRC was pleased by the reaction to its decla-

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

ration, and released a resolution proclaiming 2013 to be “The Year of U.N. Human Rights Declarations.” Not all civilian reactions have been so positive, however. “The U.N. has demonstrated once more how idiotic progressiveness can hurt women,” a spokesperson for the Roman Catholic Church said. “Just as proclaiming a right to contraception can be damaging to the well-being of husbands who want robust, truly worthwhile families, this latest declaration further degrades the family unit by preventing the males from enjoying their God-given right to receive copious amounts of gifts.” “Pa rum pum pum pum,” added the spokesperson.

Similarities Between Sharks and Pre-Meds 10. Beady eyes 9. Get pissed off when you bring up “Mythbusters” 8. Kill more people than commonly believed 7. Shy away if you punch them in the nose 6. Go into frenzy at the site of an injury 5. Can breathe underwater and won’t teach you how 4. The ones that live in Mississippi don’t really count 3. Only source of hygiene is a remora 2. Can’t hold their liquor 1. Failed ochem

theMQ.org

December 5, 2012

Area Man’s Commute Delayed Five Minutes By High Speed Police Pursuit

Page 11

Vermont Cow Mourns Death of Fellow Cow

PHOTO BY SORA CHEE

“Hey, let her choose what she wants,” one butcher said, as he waited at the bottom of the cliff with a meat grinder. BY ZAC HANN Staff Writer

“This traffic is as dead as batman’s parents!” one smug witness said. BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Graphics Editor

esterday evening at approximately 7:27 p.m., Andrew Swanson was forced to come to a complete stop on the freeway during his commute to let a squadron of police cars by in pursuit of a vehicle violently swerving and hitting other cars. When the high-speed vehicles had passed and traffic had returned to its normal flow, Swanson arrived home late about five minutes and missed the exposition to that night’s “NCIS” episode. “So apparently they’ve apprehended some guy for questioning about a murder and grand theft auto, but I have no clue what is going on,” Swanson remarked. “I

know the show is formulaic, but I never even got to see the crime scene.” Consequently, missing the first part of his favorite show affected his mood later that night. Swanson was unable to finish the latest John Grisham novel, consequently causing him to go to bed cranky, not knowing if the defendant got off on the technicality that he didn’t completely want to kill his wife. “I’ll tell you right now that the trial will not end well for the defendant. What I witnessed today was reckless and potentially put a lot of lives in danger,” Swanson said. “But knowing the formula of his novels, Grisham may very well send in the mailman as a surprise testimony that lets him off, since

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

he remembered him picking up his mail that day.” Swanson gave his eyewitness testimony of the strange, black pursued vehicle by pointing out a faint black scrape on his rear bumper from light contact. The local evening news had described police pursuit witnessed by Swanson as part of a massive manhunt to capture a masked vigilante. “I just can’t seem to catch a break. On top of not getting home for tonight’s ‘NCIS’ and not finishing my novel, I have to worry about my paint job,” Swanson said, pointing to the toothpicksized mark only noticeable from up-close. “How am I supposed to pull my Porsche into the parking lot tomorrow without being the laugh-

ingstock of the whole entire office?” Given his emotional distress resulting from the commute home, Swanson has decided to pursue legal action against all parties involved. Potentially included in his reparations are compensation for his car’s damaged paint job, indefinite extension of “NCIS” as a primetime series, and five minutes of his time back. “My law firm is very excited to help Mr. Swanson, especially given the recklessness of our city in its day in, day out pursuit of the same masked vigilante,” Attorney James Dent stated. “If the city of Gotham has the resources to combat a man dressed as a bat, it can compensate my client.”

fused,” Gansworth stated dejectedly. “By now, we’ve just stopped trying.”

mocracy and the country of Egypt. “Now I can finally get rid of those two goddamn parking tickets on my record,” Morsi remarked.

BRIEF-IT RALPH FACISTS TAKE OVER GREEK POLICE FORCE, NOTHING IS CHANGED Greek citizens throughout the country celebrated the return of a police presence this week as fascist Golden Dawn party members took to the streets to aid the undermanned government-run force. After a brief lull in random friskings, unwarranted brutality, and public lynchings, Greece bounced back to claim its position as the most racist country in the Eurozone. Many people were initially concerned with the possibility of lawlessness and anarchy on the streets when the government decided to cut funding for police batons, guns, and horsewhips. But most Greeks are pleased by the performance of Golden Dawn, reporting that the white-onblack, misogynistic, and homophobic violence has been “completely warranted” or “necessary for public safety.” Golden Dawn party officials have praised their members’ devotion to the cause and to the advancement of the Greek master race. Golden Dawn has stated that they have no current ties with white supremacists and that the swastika design of their flag is based on an ancient symbol of fertility, not the infamous Nazi design. They have also denied that their salute is reminiscent of the “Heil Hitler” motion, maintaining that their “sun salutation” connotes only a

solemn appreciation of right angles.

NOBODY TELLS PROFESSOR HOW TO MAKE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION FULL SCREEN Earlier today, one UCSD physics professor gave an entire lecture without making his PowerPoint full screen. “It was pretty painful to watch,” student Jill Gansworth said, who attended the ill-fated lecture. “I mean, clearly he has no concept of organization. We could all see his desktop — so many old documents!” “Yeah, poor guy,” Mark Schubert added, who sat next to Jill. “He had so many programs running in the background. Not to mention that the mic cut out halfway through, and he didn’t even notice,” he added gloomily. Mark and Jill’s opinions of their professor’s understanding of modern lecture hall technology appeared common among his other pupils. Even Andre Caverhall, his head teaching assistant, had scathing criticism. “Have you seen him try to use an iClicker?” he gasped. “It’s painful! The guy has to hold the remote an inch from his nose just to find the freaking ‘A’ button.” As disturbing as this professor’s incompetence is, it shows no signs of changing. “We really want to help, but when we tell him what to do, it just gets him more con-

EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT MOHAMED MORSI AUTHORS NEW CONSTITUTION Only days after announcing a sweeping expansion on the powers of the president, which effectively made his powers above that of the courts, prompting fears of a new dictatorship, Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi has attempted to assuage widespread concern by announcing that he has single-handedly written the fledgling democracy’s new constitution. He emerged recently from closed doors after days of absence without making any comments to state media following the release of red smoke from the governmental complex. While no one has actually seen the constitution yet, opposition leaders are already organizing protests while the Muslim Brotherhood has already begun to extol its virtues. While this most recent move by Morsi has seemingly done little to quell the growing concerns of Egyptian citizens, President Morsi has assured citizens that the new constitution is in fact, “pretty damn rad,” and that taking ultimate power into his own hands to single-handedly draft a new constitution was in the best interests of de-

HUGH HEFNER GETS MARRIED TO 16TH WIFE, 15TH WIFE ASKED TO TAKE A STEP BACK Late last week in Las Vegas, Hugh Hefner got married for the 16th time. Eyewitness sources claim that the couple is extremely happy and ready to share the rest of their lives together with Mr. Hefner’s other 15 wives. Hefner held a private meeting with his attorneys and 15th wife to facilitate her concerns. “Listen, babe, I know you’re jealous but this is my kind of work … getting married and having sex. I thought you knew that.” Hefner’s 15th wife was a rather upset and jealous about being there being a “new other woman.” The 15th Mrs. Hefner was unable to comment further as she refused to stop crying. Hefner’s attorneys made Hefner-15 sign a contract stipulating her conditions to take a step back in her relationship with Hugh, both physically and metaphorically. Ever since the deposition, sources have claimed that Hefner has been more calm, relaxed, and stress-free. “Now since I only have 14 and a half wives following me around, I can finally have less sex with all of them.”

ew England animal rights activists on Sunday lamented the demise of Boo, a 14-year-old cow that lived and worked on the campus of Green Fields University in rural Vermont. Despite protests, university authorities euthanized Boo after he sustained a serious injury. The only other cow at the university, a bovine named Will, has been extremely melancholy since Boo’s passing. Last week, Boo was shot in the side with a .30 caliber rifle round by an unknown gunman on the campus of the university, which is surrounded by farmland for miles. Although the event was not witnessed by anyone other than Boo and Will, authorities say the perpetrator was likely Caucasian and fond of John Deere trucker hats. Despite animal rights organizations’ efforts to protect the animals, cow abuse has long been a favorite pastime in the rural United States. “Cow-tipping just doesn’t get it up the way it used to,” one Green Fields student, who wished to remain anonymous, commented. “Anyway, Boo and Will aren’t cows, they’re oxen.” The bullet pierced Boo’s left lung, and the school’s oncampus veterinarian, Dr. Ernest Raugh, V.M.D., suggested he be put down humanely to avoid further suffering. “Boo was coughing up blood and in tremendous pain. It would have been cruel to prolong his agony,” Dr. Raugh said. “Besides, I’ve been looking to test out my new rifle.” Representatives of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, disputed the

claim, and immediately rallied to call for Boo to be allowed to live. “How do we know cows feel pain, or don’t like pain?” one outraged, beard-sporting philosophy major demanded, who volunteers for PETA. “Sure, they definitely have sensory receptors like any other animal, and their terrified lowing upon injury seems pretty unambiguous to the casual observer, but for all we know Boo could have pulled through.” “He couldn’t have pulled through,” Dr. Raugh commented when told of PETA’s argument. “No way in hell. That’s just ridiculous. Also, you should have seen what a beautiful shot my gun made.” University authorities ultimately decided to euthanize Boo despite the angry, poorlyworded Facebook statuses of many Vermont residents after the incident was covered by the state’s largest, and also smallest, television news station. The statuses included, “The thought of cow death upsets me!”, “Look at what I learned at the food co-op! Horrendous!”, and “I’m vegetarian, you guys. I wasn’t lying when I said that before.” Boo’s death has left Will distraught and aloof, displaying none of his usual cheery enthusiasm for life. Will is known to start grazing immediately upon being released to pasture every morning, but on the first day after Boo’s euthanizing, Will stood flicking flies off his rump with his tail for a full 10 seconds before bending his head to eat grass. On the second day after Boo’s expiry, Will’s eating habits returned to normal, although PETA representatives point out that he has not spoken since the incident.

TOP TEN

Things You Regret from Black Friday Shopping 10. Peeing in a Walmart bathroom 9. Camping out for Cyber Monday 8. Forgetting your wallet 7. Kicking that mother of five in the face 6. Getting arrested for kicking that mother of five in the face 5. Participating in the farce that is American consumerism 4. Not getting that sweet deal on the BOGO dishwasher 3. Camping out outside of Circuit City 2. Buying the two-year extended warranty on your Subway sandwich ... and potatoes as well 1. Wearing white after Labor Day

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Inside:

December 5, 2012

US vs. Them Only the best in quasi-legally obtained gossip!

Patriot Act Gains Sentience, Omniscience Hellfire Missiles Gain FDA Approval

Weekly

Persian Rug Revealed to Have Links to Iran

Dick Cheney

MadLibya Deemed a ______ (noun)

Fahad and Fatima Replace Freddie and Fannie LONG LIVE SHARIAH LAW IN THE UNITED STATES

Bush Still Looking for WMDs

sts eologi a h c r A er discovds of n thousa ore 2000 G buried ts in Iraq ballo

Don’t worry, he’s still the same old Dick we know and love.

Best and Worst

Beach Bodies

Obama Ro cks Kashmir

Osama bin Laden No wonder he was America’s most wanted for 10 years.

George Clooney Baghdad

Afghanis tan r umored to become 52nd state

ater

Eight Years L

Julian Assange Caught on tape decapitating foreign journalist

Hot - Burning oil fields

- Stolen raw nuclear material s - Sectarian hostilitie om - Grenades made fr ial er post-consumer mat

Not

Donald Rumsfeld Ordered by British court to tanning salon, deemed too pale to be convicted of terrorism

- U.S. diplomatic re la with any country in tions region - Sex scenes in Saddam Hussein’s romance novels - Sausage McMuffin

Enters rehab for addiction to Iraqi blood

- Armored Prius

eezza l o d n Co ls revea e c i R h k bir t e b z U icate cer tif

Falafel you bought October 23, 2004

Passed through your digestive tract shortly after