THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
September 21, 2011
“I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” — Rep. Ron Paul, R-TX.
Fifty percent news. One hundred percent paper.
Servicemen Now Authorized To Show, Tell
Volume XVIII Issue I
IN THIS ISSUE WOMAN DONATES $20 TO GREENPEACE, WORLD IS SAVED
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SDSU CUTS 50 PERCENT OF STUPID PEOPLE
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AN UNOLYMPIC LOOK AT UCSD
6, 7
HURRICANE FLOODS COAST, FACEBOOK NEWS FEED
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ANNOUNCED: “SPY KIDS 5” IN 5D
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NEWS IN BRIEF “All the attention is making my snake uncomfortable,” this private said. BY JESSI CARR
Assistant Content Editor
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ollowing years of legal and social taboos, members from multiple branches of the U.S. Armed Forces convened in the National Mall Tuesday morning to celebrate the repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell”policy that has been
governing military policy since 1993 by participating in what is believed to be the largest show-and-tell session ever held in the recorded history of the nation. Troops began lining up in the National Mall as early as Saturday afternoon, clutching precious knickknacks and baubles that they had gath-
ered over the years with the anticipation of one day being able to publicly share with their fellow soldiers. Chief Master Sergeant Joel Miller was among the first in line for the event, and when called up to the stage, he proudly displayed a jar of sand that he collected from his first trip to Afghanistan. “I come
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
from Kansas,” Miller stated into the microphone as thousands of onlookers ohhed and ahhed at the mason jar he held up for the crowd, “and we don’t ever really see sand there, so I thought it was kind of neat to be able to just see it everywhere.”
See SHARING, page 2
Bookstore Sells Apparel Of the University You Wish You Were Attending
LOCAL BRO TELLS COOL STORY, FINDS $20 Last Wednesday, Chad Rogers, president of San Diego State University’s Alpha Beta Gamma fraternity, was congratulated by his fraternity brothers on his story-telling abilities. Rogers livened up the ABG bedtimes with an exciting story about explosions, sunglasses, and surfing. The tale was an immediate success, and unanimously applauded by the fraternity brothers, as well as friends of theirs to whom they later related the story. “Story-telling was always
a part of my family,” Chad explained. “That’s why I became a literature major. Not because I don’t have to worry about grades and have time to surf and party during finals week.” While leaving the dorm room of freshman Leena McGuire, who required a personal re-telling of the story, Rogers was throwing a used cigarette on the sidewalk when he noticed something else on the ground: a crisp new $20 bill. “Andrew J’s my brah!” Chad exclaimed.
BY BRIAN DAMP Editor-in-Chief
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
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fter decades of providing students with all means of hemorrhaging cash, UCSD’s bookstore will soon offer something aside from overpriced, used copies of “required” texts. Beginning this week, students will also be able to purchase hoodies, lanyards, and other accoutrement bearing the name of the universities that rejected them. The brainchild of the bookstore’s merchandise manager, Ross Crandall, the illegal sales strategy was inspired by the remarkable number of disillusioned undergrads who traverse the campus wearing hoodies from Berkeley, UCLA, and Ivy League schools. “We’ve been noticing a trend around campus for years,” explains Crandall. “It’s as though students refuse to come to terms with their shortcomings and crippling inadequacy.” “But let’s be real here,” Crandall continued. “You can wear your older sibling’s ‘Cal’ tank top all you want, it won’t change the fact that you’re facing four years at the mother of all safety schools.” Tiffany Chen, a Revelle College Freshman, intends to be one of the first consumers of the new apparel. “It’s not that I’m ashamed to be here,” Chen explains, “I’m just a little embarrassed. I’m not ready to embrace the mediocrity of
Bystanders beheld bossy bison in a borough of Buffalo berating blameless beatnik Buffalonian buffalo. The broken beasts bolted before belittling broadened to bounteous bunches. Buffalo bureaucrats believe the bout began by beatnik Buffalonian buffalo bumping baffled bossy bison by the Barker Bar on Broadway Boulevard. The bristled and bothered bison barked back with backtalk. The bewildered buffalo bade to bolt because belated brushes had become beyond bothersome but then became boxed in. Briskly bystanders bus-
tled and buzzed because of the brewing bereavements. The barter of bad-mouthing and blaming bore on. A befuddling and bemusement befell buying a break before the bossy bison bellowed bounteously again. But beholders blundered blaming the bossy bison when the badge beseeched and begged for them. Before the bison and buffalo berating, badmouthing in Buffalo was banal and bland. Buffalo began barring and blocking the berating and badmouthing by buffalo and bison because of the broached business.
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“I want Cal to know that I haven’t given up on them,” one student explains. “I’m sure they just lost my application.” my surroundings just yet. Let’s face it, if academic awards for undergraduate programs were like athletic trophies, UCSD’s display case would boast ‘participant’ at best.” Andrew Reynolds, a junior at Marshall College, feels this change is long overdue. “If only they’d have done this when I was a freshman,” he said. “I had to order all of my Stanford University underwear online! As it turns out, accurately estimating one’s
boxer brief size is difficult,” he admitted. “I discovered that I’m not actually an XXL.” When asked to divulge further on why the bookstore had decided to finally resort to trademark infringement to boost sales, Crandall revealed that the university was simply following its age-old credo, “Milk those suckers for all they’re worth.” On a related note, he announced that next month the bookstore will be having a
“Pre-med Special” on thickquilted, absorbent pillowcases that muffle anguished sobs and absorb tears 70 percent more efficiently than standard linens. “There is no limit to how low the bookstore will stoop to fleece you,” Crandall confided with a chuckle. “I like to think that if you have an insecurity, we can find a way to exploit it for profit. If you don’t feel insecure, we’re here to remind you of why you should.”
PRICE OF JET FUEL SKYROCKETS
HUNDREDS OF SQUID CROSS THE BEACH
Airline industry’s lofty ambitions run into the ground.
Failed attempt to get to the other tide.
MEDICAL MIRACLE: NEW DRUG TREATS ADDICTION TO OLD DRUG Medical science made another victory yesterday when the FDA approved oxycodonone, a highly addictive opioid, to treat addiction to oxycodone, a less highly addictive opioid also known as OxyContin. “The brilliance of this drug is that it beats out the original addiction by being more addictive,” Dr. Amos Tharnow, an expert on drug abuse and addiction at Harvard Medical School, said. He stated other attempts to cure addiction have not worked as well since the drugs are not as good as the ones they replaced. “Subjects in clinical trials had extraordinarily high levels of com-
pliance with treatment, even enthusiasm.” This recent deliverance by science comes on the heels of an earlier victory over more conventional drugs. The number of overdoses and deaths from OxyContin and other prescription painkillers beat those of cocaine and heroin several years ago. “The track record of modern science on beating out irrational-self destruction is very promising,” Dr. Mary Hailford, a psychiatrist and researcher at Stanford, said. “At this rate, everyone will have a little slice of the benefits of scientific testing.”
See BRIEFS, page 11
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September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
Woman Stops To Donate $20 To Greenpeace, World Saved
“I should have known a $20 bill this big would save the world,” April Black proclaimed. BY AURORA LE Web Editor
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ast month, April Black was walking out of Whole Foods when she donated $20 to Greenpeace. Little did she know that her small donation would be the amount needed to single-handedly save the world from global warming, endless war, extinction of endangered species, and starving children. “I had no idea that I would actually be able to make an impact,” Black said. “I just happened to feel extremely empowered that day. I had just bought fresh organic couscous, all-natural tampons, and some Tom’s toothpaste, so I thought, ‘Hey! Why not humor the Greenpeace guy?’” “Usually I try to avoid eye contact with solicitors,” Black continued, “but something
about his chunky dreads and his sexy clipboard made him irresistible. Next thing I knew, I was signing a check for $20…and also getting his phone number.” Reports from Greenpeace and the United Nations say that extra $20 was the catalyst that was needed to top off the fundraising goals for UNICEF, WWF, Darfur Now, Invisible Children and many more organizations. That extra 50 cents to each organization was all that was needed to end all the world’s woes. “This young lady has made a impact bigger than any other person in history — Gandhi and Mandela pale in comparison,” President Barack Obama announced in a press conference. “April Black and her $20 donation in front of Whole Foods will go down in history.” Since then, the issue of conflict diamonds in Sierra
Leone has completely dissipated, the genocide in Darfur has ceased, dolphins are no longer ending up in tuna cans, the hole in the ozone layer has vanished, scientists received enough funding to spontaneously generate stem cells without the use of human embryos, and solar and wind energy have replaced all fossil fuels. Most importantly, animal abuse is now non-existent, so Sarah McLachlan has stopped making those morbidly depressing infomercials. When fellow do-gooder Alan Powell was asked to comment on Black’s contribution to society, he said, “Yeah, saving the world is cool and shit, but I could do the same thing by spending $20 on some good shrooms and imagine that I’m saving the world as Batman… but you know, minus all that spandex, bro. No homo, for-
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
izzles….although Christian Bale is quite delicious…” Since then, Black’s donations have also been shown to fix a number of non-environmental world woes — the cast of “Jersey Shore” has announced the show’s cancellation, senators have stopped looking for young male teenage prostitutes on Craigslist, and cell phone reception no longer cuts out the one time you decide to stop being antisocial and call someone instead of text. “This $20 has made a positive influence on everyone’s lives, including mine,” Obama elaborated. “Now I can focus on more important things, like getting better performers to play at my rallies than freakin’ Michele Bachmann has. Randy Travis at the Iowa Straw Pull? I accept that challenge and I see you one Neil Diamond at the Democratic National Convention.”
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:
Sharing
Other items shared by participants included a Christmas nutcracker passed down through four generations of a Pacific Marine corporal’s family, a box full of treasures belonging to an Army staff sergeant that were “most certainly not looted from one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces,” and Timmy the hamster belonging to Coast Guard Seaman Bryan Jacobsen, who had to receive special permission from both his parents and the event organizer, Mrs. Miller, before bringing the live animal to show and tell. Political reactions to the event were mixed. President Barack Obama, who has been actively campaigning against the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy since his days as a senator, said in a press conference Tuesday evening, “I am glad that the fine servicemen and women of this country are now free to openly share their prized family heirlooms with others without fear of being discharged for owning a box of Cuban cigars imported in the midst of the missile crisis.” Many Republicans, on the other hand, criticize the
repeal of the policy. Presidential contender Michele Bachmann spoke of her disapproval of the repeal at a publicity stop Monday evening, saying, “My husband believes, I mean, I believe that the time troops will now spend passing around Bobby’s great aunt’s butter churn is counterproductive to the military’s goal of costing the American taxpayers billions of dollars a day by forcefully invading nations and then accomplishing seemingly little once established.” Despite the mixed feelings of political figureheads, members of the military are overall pleased with the abolishment of the policy. Private First Class Jose Hernandez, stationed at Camp Pendleton, is especially excited about the repeal. “Yeah, sure, the weekly show and tell circles will be interesting,” Hernandez explained, “but what I really can’t wait for is being able to finally play truth or dare with my buddies and ask tons of revealing questions! I’ve always wanted to know how many times my commanding officer has been to third base.”
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Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Assistant Managing Editor......Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Cody Donahue Assistant Content Editor..................Jessi Carr Assistant Content Editor..................Zac Hann Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo
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HALF D OM 6-7p.m. E LOUNGE, MU IR & 7 p.m. Off Campus - 1 a.m .
Social Editor............................Masha Sokolov Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Copy Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le MQ Dad.....................................Henry Becker Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Staff Members Ian Alexeeff Monica Bhide Corey Breier Cassidy Curl Janine Davis Annie Dimitras Stephanie Fairbairn
Alison Gilchrist Doran Joy Shazia Manji Josh Marxen Ashley McDaniel Adil Mistry Hilary Morefield
Hanna Nakamura Matt Olson Jeric Pereda Adam Powers Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Ben Steen
Jarita Ta David Valencia Christina Valenti Veena Vignale Ariana Walker Eric Walker Vanessa Zurita
Objects in picture are more attractive than they appear. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2011 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor in Chief of the MQ. I still cannot believe these people put me in charge. For the first issue of the year, things went pretty well. I couldn’t be prouder of the staff for all of the hard work they’ve done. You people make this newspaper funny, and yet I get the top billing on the staff box. It hardly seems fair. I wish there was enough room to commend everyone for their dedication to this issue, but I’ve got a few words left. Here goes: Kudos to Robin for creating a terrific layout, and making machines bend to her every whim. Thanks to Jessi, Zac, and especially Cody for making this paper worth reading. Thanks to Hannah and Bora for overseeing graphics. Certainlynot least, thanks to Alex and Jeff for being on top of things for me so I don’t have to be everywhere at once. Josh, you’ve finally brought back that Oxford comma. I’m looking forward to this year being more witty, fun and memorable than ever before. (Hahahaha. Fuck you, Josh.)
Booster Club Thanks to Robin for working her tech magic and fixing the network, printer, and internet multiple times. Thanks to Zac for editing his articles while on vacation. Thanks to Aditi for drawing the awesome staff box illustration on such short notice. Lastly, food: Robin for the dining dollars, Bora for the perfunctory RedVines, Jessi for the peanut butter cups, and Alex for the lifesavers. Most importantly, Cody brought a shit-ton of pasteries. Thank you all.
September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
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Obama Encourages Congress To Pass American Steve Jobs Act
EDITORIAL
This Edition Of The MQ Was Both Thrilling and Insightful
BY JOHN WILKINSON
Typical Role Model Student
D One of these men has the power to fix the deficit. Can you guess which one? BY ZAC HANN
Associate Content Editor
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resident Barack Obama called a joint session of Congress last week to speak to U.S. legislators, as well as millions of Americans watching the televised speech from home, about the American Steve Jobs Act. The act, if passed, would create a $447 billion stimulus package used to reinstate Steve Jobs as CEO of the American technology giant, Apple Inc. Since Jobs’s announcement in August that he would resign as chief executive office of Apple, Obama has been, in his words, “seized with a fear for the future of Apple products in America.” Obama said he considered Apple products to be the democratic ideal in technology form: It’s well known that their pricing and freely-distributed software make them equally available
to all Americans. When members of Congress immediately raised several objections, Obama continued to speak over them with a maturity and dedication to reason perfected by three years in the Oval Office. Most of the stimulus package would be used to boost the Apple CEO’s salary, forcing Jobs to resume his role at the helm of the corporation for love of money, “a democratic ideal which has made him such an asset to this great nation.” During his 32 minute speech, the president frequently emphasized that Republicans too respect the ideals of Apple Inc. The rest of the stimulus package would fund the research and development costs to keep Steve Jobs alive by building him a robotic body “to replace his current, inferior, probably Microsoftdesigned one.” In a Tweet
earlier this week, Obama insisted, “It’s totally possible you guys. I’ve researched this.” Multiple sources on the White House staff affirm that the president’s desk has been strewn with Marvel comics for the past several days, all labeled “Top Secret Research.” Critics from both politically liberal and conservative backgrounds argue that the funds would be better spent putting Americans back to work in today’s tough economy, but the executive branch has made it clear that this would be a mistake. Poopooing statistics about the staggering current American unemployment rate, an official White House spokesperson asked journalists at a press conference, “What would be the point of increasing employment if Americans couldn’t spend their newfound prosperity on innovative, well-designed computers and music players?”
PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN
In his speech, Obama promised to put more iPhones in the pockets of working and middle class Americans. The act would also support the president’s goal of modernizing schools. “We can’t honestly expect our children to learn what they need to compete with China on Windows machines, can we?” The president has stated that he firmly believes that Steve Jobs can revive the economy by continuing to contribute his unique touch to Apple’s marketing campaign, reminding Americans that they need to work hard so they can afford to provide an iPad 2 to each member of their households. It remains to be seen whether Congress will take the advice Obama gave them when he said many times throughout his speech, “You should reinstate Steve Jobs as CEO of Apple right away!”
Division Of Arts and Humanities Introduces “Finish-In-Five” Program BY CASS CURL Staff Writer
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he Division of Arts and Humanities, in a routine lowering of expectations, has recently unveiled a new academic road map for all of its departments: the “FinishIn-Five” program. Following on the heels of the “Finish-In-Four” program, which was deemed too rigorous for the current bloated body of collegiate underlings, the “Finish-In-Five” program seeks to account for all those last minute changes of heart of which arts and humanities majors are so fond. “We feel this new pedagogical paradigm suits the large contingency of itinerant free spirits that populate our departments,” Les Scherer, division head, said. “They now have two and a half years to complete both G.E.’s and major requirements, leaving ample time for extra-curricular activities like food orgies and snorting pills.” In an effort to untwist their panties in similar fashion, the Revelle Humanities Department has advertised a similar “Finish-In-Five” program. “We are calling it our threestrikes-and-you’re-a-goddamnumbskull policy,” Sue Nuety, department advisor, said. “Each student can at the very least take one of the HUM sequence courses per year, and have three chances to successfully complete each course. This is about all we expect from an average Revelle student, whose aptitude for literature is on par with that of a subterranean lemming.”
ear Diary: Today I read The MQ and it was sooooo funny! In fact, it was so funny that when I read it, I forgot where I was and laughed out loud, right before I found $100 lying on the pavement — I just couldn’t help it! It seems like life has been looking up ever since I started reading The MQ. It definitely changed my position on major viewpoints regarding the world. What delicious and palatable satire. Guess what else? One day I was reading The MQ in a dark alley when these two men dressed in black hoodies pointed guns at me. They were all, “Put your hands in the air and spread your cheeks,” but then they saw what I was reading and these helpless little smiles spread across their faces. Diary, they became just like children! Then we all had such great, free-spirited and consensual sex that night.
You’d think with my 4.0 GPA and exceptionally attractive significant other, I would be too busy to read something like a satire newspaper, but even people like me can learn a thing or two about what it means to be funny. Those guys writing the paper must be comedic geniuses — or sexual dynamos. One of the two. Hmmm… Maybe both? I sure know I got an erection while reading it. And that’s the best thing about this paper: any other newspaper pales in comparison. Just pales! I mean, come on, anything else is like reading the police blotter in Nowhere, Idaho. If I wanted to sleep and read at the same time, I’d invent a miracle sleep-reading device that could make billions of dollars overnight. Oh, that’s right, I already did that. And my first audio book was the complete recordings of The MQ. So before I receive the Nobel Prize for simultaneously eradicating illiteracy and looking like a movie star, I want to tell you, dear diary, how much I treasure The MQ. But don’t let anyone know because I would never live it down! If people knew where I got all the important ideas behind my successes in life, as well as winning lottery combinations, it would be that much harder to be what I am right now: the happiest, most entertained, and enlightened student at UCSD.
TOP TEN
Similarities Between Ron Paul and Your Grandfather With Alzheimer’s 10. Won’t shut up about the military 9. Needs 24 hour supervision 8. Doesn’t believe that you’re his grandkid 7. Degenerating before your eyes 6. Pays someone to dress him 5. Daily ritual of creamed corn and soft boiled eggs 4. Received one percent of the Republican Primary vote 3. Keeps asking you for money 2. Doesn’t like “that black president” 1. Adorable when he farts
TOP TEN
Ways To Sleep With Your TA PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
Clearly, the extra year has given this student the skills she needs to be a productive member of society. The student reaction to this new recommendation of academic leniency has been enthusiastic for the most part. “Finally, the university is behind my decision to remain an indifferent child of the earth,” Rosmerta Calderon, a literatures in English major, said. “Now my parents can’t hassle me for shit.” “Yayyyyyyy! Now my friends and I can hang around Mandeville for a while longer and plug our nostrils with wood glue and make kachina dolls out of eucalyptus leaves, plywood scraps, and spray paint,” was Trang Vu’s, a senior and visual art major, response. She has never been higher in her life. “Punk rock changed our lives,” was all that an enigmatic music major cared to divulge on the issue.
“Professors are saying that our students will never make it in graduate studies, but I think this compromise is compelling for a number of reasons,” Ed Anthony, classical studies chair, said. “Like the fact that we’re absolutely fuggin’ broke and have about 15 students in the major.” Some have also speculated that the D.A.H. move is a token gesture to be somehow closer to the Engineering Department, which recommends a similar five year course of action. “We expect to see countless other flagship universities follow our lead in needlessly prolonging the adolescence of America’s youth,” Scherer said. “It is the late capitalist way. We must butter our nubile miscreants in preparation for
slaughter at the hands of rising Eastern Giants.” The UCSD Campus has been noticeably quieter in the wake of the introduction of the program. Local Adderall prescriptions and cigarette sales have also declined sharply in the last week. However, on-campus marijuana dealers report that supplies are completely sold out. There has been a small contingency of students complaining about lower standards, but they were promptly isolated by their friendship circles and sent to hang out with their respective departmental teaching assistants. In one fell prophetic swoop a final-interviewee, a senior literatures in English major simply shrugged and stated, “Odd future is children that’s messed up in they mental.”
10. Insist you’re a “hands-on learner” 9. Meet for tutoring. At a bar. At 11 p.m. On a Saturday 8. Raise your hand. Raise something else 7. Ask nicely 6. Roofies, water, change your own grade 5. Impersonate a professor 4. On a TempurPedic, beneath a light fleece blanket 3. Stop wearing pajama pants to class 2. Stop wearing pants to class 1. Be attractive
Be a slave to social pressure. Everyone’s doing it. Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.
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Classic Novels Out Of Touch Modern Reading Comprehension Levels Dismal
POINT
I Don’t Wear Makeup, I Have Natural Beauty! BY WHITNEY TYLER Empowered
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don’t need to wear makeup and spend hundreds of dollars caking up my face to look like a geisha just because society tells me to! I have natural beauty! I’m embracing my inner goddess. I am divine. Every freckle and every mole is exactly where it’s supposed to be. Why hide it? I have absolutely nothing to hide…well except for my ex-boyfriend’s boxers, but I keep those under my pillow. Anyway, my point is that women are beautiful from the time they wake up until the time they go to sleep. I have a perpetual natural glow, some might call it sweat or oily glands, but I like to consider it a gorgeous sheen. And that rosacea and contact dermatitis all over my face? It truly is a gift. I’ve just saved myself tons of money on unnecessary blush. I
These books are rated for “gifted first graders” and “average high school seniors.” BY VEENA VIGNALE Staff Writer
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ollowing the dismal results of 2011 standardized testing, high schools across the nation have been forced to evaluate the causes of how and why students’ academic performances have been worsening over the past years. This study of generational decline, which inevitably leads to the questioning of traditional school curriculums, is also known as “old people wondering why young people are such fuck-offs.” As the scores in English literature and composition have plummeted, high school teachers have had to face the reality that classical novels, the traditional means of teaching students about the English language may simply be out of touch with the modern brain. “More and more, we’re seeing that students are sim-
ply unable to process the ideas, themes, and words presented in these novels, “bMary Patterson, an English teacher from Riverside, CA, explained while students present struggled to sound out the first sentence of “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.” “We haven’t seen this much confusion in a classroom since trying to explain the usefulness of an Oxford comma.” Some high schools have attempted to combat the reading deficiency by carefully selecting classical novels that would be easier for the students to understand, as exemplified by the inclusion of “The Scarlet Letter” into Riverside’s West High School’s program. “We thought that maybe if we just focused on one letter at a time, then students would be able to absorb the information better,” Patterson said. “But it was a disaster. Much as we’d like to think of them as classics, these nov-
els don’t seem to meet modern expectations anymore.” “It’s like…this dude Hawthorne,” student Richard Waxen elaborated. “He just like… doesn’t get us at all. It’s like, there’s one sex scene in the whole story, and he cuts it out before the book even begins! Who does that?” While many educators instinctively blame modern technology and social networking sites for the absence of intelligible thought in students, experts assure that the students of today are most likely just dumb-asses who haven’t had to think for themselves in their whole lives. “We’ve seen a lot of improvement since we replaced J.D. Salinger’s ‘Catcher in the Rye’ with Stephanie Meyer’s ‘Twilight’ series in the curriculum,” Patterson revealed. “The students have really made a connection with the characters.” “’Twilight’ just makes more sense!” student Emily Richardson comments. “Bel-
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
la’s just a girl who feels out of place in normal society, and she’s trying to grow up and figure things out. I can relate to that, you know? I don’t understand Holden at all!” Despite these radical changes, there remain many teachers across the country who have not responded well to the changes in reading requirements. Mark Johnson, a former junior English teacher in West Virginia, described the addition of “Twilight” to the curriculum as “the beginning of the end.” “Yeah, it was always bound to happen, but now it has,” Johnson said, speaking from underneath a bridge that has been serving as his temporary home ever since he quit his job. “We’re actually spoon-feeding professional fan fiction to screwoffs who are never going to amount to anything. It’s sad, just like the ending of ‘Of Mice and Men.’ But the students wouldn’t even know that, would they?”
UCSD Announces Appointment Of Executive Vice Assistant To the Deputy Undersecretary Of Parking
PHOTO BYJOSH MARXEN
You may never see this woman, but she will continue to spam your inbox until you graduate. BY ROBIN BETZ
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Design Editor
he University of California at San Diego recently announced Wendy T. Franklin’s appointment as the new Executive Vice Assistant to the Deputy Undersecretary of Parking. “I’m honored to become a part of the UCSD community,” Ms. Franklin said. “I’ve always wanted to live in La Jolla. I’ve already put down a deposit on a lovely place in La Jolla Farms.” Ms. Franklin will report to Angela Smith, assistant to the deputy undersecretary of parking, under the oversight of Owen Garrett, vice deputy undersecretary of parking, under the guidance of Bar-
bara Quimberly, deputy undersecretary of parking, who assists Paula Overton, undersecretary of parking, who plans and manages for the Secretary of Parking, who reports to the Director of Parking, whose e-mails are often personally deleted by Chancellor Marye Anne Fox herself. The Committee for Hiring Committees is also considering assembling a Hiring Committee for an assistant to Ms. Franklin, should the position’s tasks become excessive. Ms. Franklin was chosen after a six month long search for someone to fill the new position, created in response to the realization that the role of assistant to the deputy undersecretary of parking was
becoming too demanding, often requiring 30 or even 40 hour work weeks. Her responsibilities include writing lengthy e-mails about small events, delegating assigned tasks to others, and searching for ways to incorporate more administrative positions into the UCSD faculty. The student body was notified of Ms. Franklin’s appointment in a campus-wide e-mail in order to promote visibility of the position. However, many undergraduates reported deleting the e-mail without having read it. “Students don’t just seem to care about the important role of administrators in their education,” Charles Wagner, head of the hiring committee
do not need to apologize for my air of confidence and God-given magnificence. I’d really like to see Natalie Portman without her makeup on and see if Mila Kunis still wants a piece of that. If anyone needs makeup, it’s men. Have you seen how you look in the morning? Rolling out of bed in your pajamas, with that Pop-Tart, video game controller, and patchy area of chin pubes is not rugged or sexy at all. It’s just awful. You should be ashamed of yourself!
for the position, said. “They seem unaware of the fact that without a broad and deep pool of bureaucratic talent, educators would be unable to synergize and create this incremental paradigm of win-win, value-added diversity that is necessary for authentic assessment and collaborative learning in today’s knowledge economy.” “Also, they have no idea how much they’re paying for us,” he added. Wagner emphasized the importance of administration, and encouraged students to consider a career in the field. “With the help of aspiring administrators and bureaucrats, we can propel our alumni, I mean, education, to new heights,” he said. The lucrative pay that comes with an administrative position is also promising. English majors, prime candidates for jobs in administration, will typically earn the federal minimum wage of $9.00 an hour working at McDonalds, while administrator pay averages over $700,000 a year. The University of California, San Diego Departments of Parking Services, Transportation Services, Management Services, Hiring Services, Management of Hiring Services, the Office of Management for Managing Services, and Chancellor Fox would like to congratulate Ms. Franklin on her new position. “It’s an absolutely unnecessary job,” Fox added, “but somebody has to do it.”
COUNTERPOINT
Only When I’m Drunk BY KEVIN CHAMBERS Mortified
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hoa there. News flash, slagathor. You really do need that makeup. Put some spackle on that shit. The only time it doesn’t make a difference to me if you’re wearing makeup or not is when I am so hammered from Thirsty Thursday that I can’t tell the difference between William Shatner and Beyoncé. There is no such thing as natural beauty. Pregnancy glow? Uh, no. You’re just bloated and screaming at me about how you want a chocolate covered Double Down from KFC. Not attractive at all. And that whole beach hair thing you think is so sexy? That just makes you look like the bag lady in front of the 7-Eleven on the corner of Garnet. Makeup was created for a reason — so we don’t have to see the real you. Ignorance is bliss, my friends. Think of it as clothing for your face that
should be worn at all times, even when you’re asleep, in the shower, or at the gym. That way you can stop scaring small children and stop messing up my boner. Why would the world invent makeup if they didn’t want women to put it on their face? Why would the world invent the internet if it didn’t want me to download porn? Why would the world invent shirts with collars if I’m not supposed to pop it up? I think I’ve made my point.
TOP FIFTEEN
Signs Your Boyfriend Is A Terrorist 15. Insists that the No-Fly List has him mixed up with an 11-year-old 14. Has a lot of bondage equipment, but is not interested in using it sexually 13. “One time, he got a toe in the mail, and he turned white as a sheet” 12. You’re strongly suspicious that he’s cheat- ing on you, but there’s never any evidence 11. Insists you take a boat, not a plane, to Europe 10. Really into vests with lots of pockets 9. REALLY interested in that Ebola research you’re doing 8. Has a 50 pound bag of fertilizer, but only one ficus 7. When you ask about work he just says, “business is booming” 6. Has three cellphones, and always smile maniacally after using one 5. Fascinated by historic landmarks 4. Really uncomfortable when watching “24” 3. Always mailing sugar to the president 2. Really let down by Disneyland’s Tower of Terror 1. He says he wants to “explode inside you”
September 21, 2011
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Budget Woes Force SDSU To Cut 50 Percent Of Stupid People
EDITORIAL
Dihydrogen Monoxide Warning!
BY MICHAEL LIN
Chem 6A Student
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Despite resistance from most of the student body, the SDSU Communications Department was shut down. BY HENRY BECKER
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MQ Dad
an Diego State University’s new president Elliot Hirschman had disappointing news for students and party people everywhere when he announced that, “regrettably, budget issues have forced our university to cut its most prized asset: nearly 40,000 blathering, neon-colored idiots.” Hirschman made the announcement during a somber ceremony in which he said the university did not have enough money “to keep up appearances.” In addition to rolling back the mentally deficient, the university plans to discontinue its grants for jersey production, alcohol addiction and cocaine busts.
As a result, the SDSU budget will halve research and development for its nationally ranked program of excellent adventures. Speaking with the gravity expected of a major university president, Hirschman said, “Only the most excellent adventures produce the best vibes suitable to our campus. Unfortunately, we have to party on with what we have and roll with the punches, even as the big man tries to put suits on us. It’s a major harsh to our mellow.” The decision prompted widespread condemnation across the SDSU student body, where the SDSU “bratherhood” came to a consensus. Uniting under the slogan, “Dolla Dolla Bills Y’all,” the 40,000 ex-students
unanimously approved a resolution to stop paying tuition fees. Speaking on behalf of the SDSU Greek system, registered moron Chip Morgenthal said, “If they are going to throw us under the bus, we’re not going to take it lying down. I mean, it might not help since they’re driving the bus over us. But it’s a cool metaphor.” The SDSU associated students have since established a committee which is inquiring into alternative funding cuts, in order to save students from a life dominated by hard work, discipline, and rewarding intellectual study. The “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Spray Paint That Shit Platinum” Committee plans to meet “sometime, somewhere, eventually.”
PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN
Committee chairwoman Beverly Hillsdale said that many students think budget cuts could have been made in more appropriate sectors, such as education. “I mean books? Ugh!” Hillsdale said. “And I don’t understand why they have to pay these Ph.D.s so much when, come on, everything you need to know is on Wikipedia anyway. Unlike class, Wikipedia taught me the difference between sativa and indica. It gave me confidence in myself and helped me out of academic probation.” Since the announcement became official, the 40,000 idiots have set up impromptu residence in North Park and Pacific Beach, where the ratio of shirts to people has subsequently plummeted.
Unpopular Teen Driven To Hack Own Facebook
ake up sheeple! I bet you didn’t know about the poison you’re pouring yourself from the sink into your drinking glass, dihydrogen monoxide (or DHMO for short). It’s not just in your sink. This universal solvent — something that dissolves most of what it comes into contact with — is all around you! It’s in the atmosphere, it’s in the ground, it’s in your food, and it’s in you. Dihydrogen monoxide is a colorless, odorless, and tasteless chemical compound that sometimes goes by the name hydric acid. Acid. What is acid doing in your glass, in the air, in you? As a major component of acid rain, dihydrogen monoxide is also a major cause of erosion. Do you know what erosion does? Look no farther than the Grand Canyon. Millions upon millions of gallons of the stuff is flowing through our waterways and sewers as I speak. Wherever you look, you can’t not find dihydrogen monoxide. But wait — you may say — if dihydrogen monoxide is poisoning us, why isn’t it on the news for killing people? It is, all the time. You need to open up
your eyes and read the paper more often because it’s there. Did you know that every communist leader in history has had abundant access to dihydrogen monoxide? Yes, this includes Kim Jong Il, Stalin, and Castro. Soviet fluoridation in the American water supply during the Cold War isn’t starting to look like just a conspiracy anymore, is it? DHMO is a very real threat and is easily accessible by all kinds of people. In an ironic twist of fate, it is by far the most addicting substance to humans. In fact, there is no recorded case of survival after DHMO withdrawal. You may ask, “what can I do to deal with this DHMO problem?” Simply exercise great caution around the substance. Use your common sense to guide you through potentially perilous situations where you may be faced with consuming or utilizing dihydrogen monoxide. There is no end-allbe-all rule for dealing with the substance, as it is used all over the world, but you can safely perform dihydrogen monoxide enemas to utilize your rectum in filtration. I implore you to write to your congressman, your mayor, or your feudal lord to spread awareness about dihydrogen monoxide, the silent killer. For too long have we been welcoming of it, letting it into our taps, cooling nuclear waste, and being produced as a byproduct of forest fires. And while you’re on the lookout for dihydrogen monoxide, please look for more safety tips in my next column where I’ll tell everyone about the dangers of using castor oil, which comes from the unbelievably deadly castor bean plant.
TOP TEN
Combinations That Sounded Good When You Were High 10. Alcohol and more alcohol 9. Chicken Tikka Double Double 8. Cake and wrestling 7. Air freshener and bad breath 6. Costco trip and your debit card 5. A blanket with sleeves 4. Masturbation and Bob Ross reruns 3. Breakfast in bath 2. Simon and Garfunkel 1. Black licorice and anything
TOP TEN Similarities Between Middle-Aged Single Men and 13-Year-Old Girls Knight was also cited for photoshopping himself into strangers’ party pictures. BY JEFF TRAYNOR
Assistant Managing Editor
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his week, San Diego teenager Jacob Knight was arrested and later released on bail for slander against the public. The police report claims that for the last two months, Knight has hidden his true identity by altering social network pages and making claims that are not only “preposterous” but, in fact, illegal. It all started with a simple lie, one click just to show everyone a he was not alone, but a “complicated relationship” has turned into so much more. According to witnesses and Facebook’s detailed records, Knight was first spotted “in a relationship” with an unnamed person on July 13th at 2:30 a.m., a development that website operators automatically flagged as uncharacteristic.
Knight’s mother was the first person to acknowledge the change, when she commented on his wall, “But with whom are you in a relationship, dearie?” Jacob Knight’s comment claimed that he was in a relationship with “Jenny Q,” who, he later asserted in a press release, lives in Canada. The release did not include her phone number or address for “privacy reasons,” but did ask for all information requests to be sent to Knight’s e-mail, where he would serve as the third party mediator in all communications. In addition, the relationship status and his mother’s disbelief allegedly led to a fake profile for a Ms. Q, which listed her interests as makeup, giggling, and invisibility. Police Chief Mac Cooper has also implied that Ms. Q might not be Knight’s first offense. It is also possible
that a Mr. Snuffles, created two years prior, is also a fake friend. “The Jacob-ser has hit an all time low” tweeted Mr. Snuffles late last week, “by admitting that he wrote the Facebook status ‘I’m in LOOOOVE with a stripper named TOMMIE’ just so he could comment on it accusing Steve Williams, Mark Goldman and Aaron Chan of changing his status.” “There’s no way this Knight guy goes to our school,” Williams said, “I know everyone, man, everyone, even the nerds who are nerdier than the nerds who do my homework.” Knight stands by his facebook profile, claiming that it is completely factual. “No one is that lonely or desperate,” Knight said. “Or even just in such need of acknowledgment that standing in the food court during lunch time yelling ‘I AM A REAL PER-
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
SON’ until someone says something back seems like a good idea for next Tuesday starting at 11 a.m. Pacific Standard time. That’s just really uncool.” There will be a preliminary hearing in December to determine whether Knight will face a lawsuit for slandering Williams, Goldman and Chan’s names by false association with Knight. An unnamed source has announced that the full transcript of the hearing will be available at Knight.Jacob. Blog. Though unproven, it has been suggested that the leak may stem from Knight himself. Knight was unable to comment due to his “nightly Skype call with Jenny” and he left with a final, though unrelated, thought: “Skype’s untraceable right? No phone record for anyone nosey enough to follow?”
10. Self-conscious in locker rooms 9. Like to experiment with makeup 8. Like to stay in their rooms and chat with their friends on the Internet 7. Desperately want to lose virginity, but are afraid of pregnancy 6. Post videos of themselves singing karaoke on YouTube 5. Confused about their periods 4. Really want to go to the mall, but mom won’t let them 3.Spend entire day in robe and slippers eating ice cream 2. Both scared and excited to play spin the bottle 1. Both want to have sleepovers with 13-year-old girls
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September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
An Unolympic
The History of the
Unolympics T
The year was 1789. A French rebel group known as “The Revellati” were given sanctuary in the United States by George Washington. A peaceful, secret, and mysterious bunch, they made their way west, performing rituals to convince the Sun God to “make it rain.”
Proudly the most Unolympic school in California, and probably the world, the students of UCSD celebrate their athletic ineptitude every fall quarter. But the “fun” doesn’t have to stop there. The MQ investigates the history of the tournament and lets you in on some of the myriad Unolympic events that students engage in year-round.
(More) Unolympic Events T
Event
Rules
The-1126 Meter Dash Students showcase speed and poor scheduling by making it from Warren to York Hall in under 10 minutes.
All contestants must carry a standardized 10 pound backpack, and no use of public transportation is allowed. Sabotage of classmates is encouraged. Crying results in disqualification.
Hook-up Limbo
Hook-ups only count if each person is less attractive than the last. At least one must have taken place during a physical limbo. You are disqualified if you get tricked into a relationship.
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Trophy + Bonus Points U The Golden Inhaler V
Buy and eat Korean B.B.Q. on the way.
U World’s Ugliest Baby V
All of them are engineers.
How low can your standards go?
But by the 1950s, dry conditions in San Diego led the group to dwindle to a mere six: Ricardo Revelle, Johann Muir, Thermophiles Marshall, Ebenezer Warren, Evangeline Roosevelt, and The Mysterious Mr. Sixth.
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These six, known as “The Finallati,” settled in La Jolla and founded a university to preserve their annual dance ceremony, which came to be known as “The Unolympics.” With thousands of impressionable youngsters coming into the university every year, the society was finally safe.
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Although the origins of the event are completely unknown to the student body, they continue to blindly follow the directions of their orientation leaders. And though five of the founders are dead, The Mysterious Mr. Sixth continues to covertly organize the events of the Unolympic ceremony each year, waiting until the opportune
Flyer Dodging This obstacle course makes students maneuver through a maze of wasted paper every time they go down library walk.
Must be approached by at least five organizations, and no flyer can touch your person. If you make eye contact, you may as well be disqualified.
Hand out your own fliers.
U The Heisman Trophy V
U Straightjacket V
Seriously?
Hammer Throw U Zoloft V
What happens when you finally crack under the pressure.
See left.
Don’t use Wikipedia.
The Bullshit Rodeo The only way to pass your college writing requirements.
All papers must be started no sooner than 12 hours before due, and at least five unique sources must be used. Use of stimulants will result in disqualification. U A UCSD Diploma V
Junkyard Derby
moment to come forward and claim his rightful place.
The trash can must be overflowing by at least six inches. The smellier the better. You are disqualified if you have any artistic intent.
Don’t use the word “modern” or “found” to explain your art.
How long can you make people think your trash is art? U “Trash” Can V
September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
Page 7
Look at UCSD Erc
Revelle M
ar
Muir
sh
al
Sixth
l
Warren
Activities That Seem Athletic, But Are Not T
What it should be
Going to the beach A common activity for UCSD students.
What it is
“Man, the beach is really far away... and I have homework...”
Earl’s Runners A running group composed of Warren College students. Students trying to get the last pint of Chunky Monkey minutes before Earl’s Place closes.
Intervarsity Scaling Half Dome A hike of one of California’s most famous mountain peaks. Where The MQ meetings are. Show up, bitches!
A physically active student movement committed to engaging in intramural sports. An active student movement committed to knowing and experiencing God.
The Winter Unolympics A Failed Experiment
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Dancesport A sport. Not a sport.
In December of 1973, unceasing rain forced the Revellati to hold an emergency backward version of the ritual, which they called the “Winter Unolympics.” Though this terrible, terrible idea has never been repeated, The MQ discovered the secret records of the disaster.
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Due to lack of ice, sychronized ice skating turns into synchronized swimming. Still just as lame.
The Stuart Art collection ruins yet another perfectly good giraffe race.
The terrorizing Warren Bear is humanely euthanized.
Accusations of cheating taint the events forever.
The Undie Run was conceived, much to the chagrin of pretty much everyone.
Students weren’t the only ones embarrassed in the making of this event.
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September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
Little Leaguers Only Had To Believe In Themselves
EDITORIAL
If Only My Bicycle Shipped With a Hillclimbing Algorithm
BY JONATHAN HIBBERT Standard Nerd
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“It wasn’t the magic baseball gloves,” their coach says. “It was you all along!” BY VEENA VIGNALE Staff Writer
I
n front of a breathless audience last week, including nearly 100 spectators who were not related to the players, the West Little Leaguers defeated their Japanese opponents and took home the World Series Championship. Having lost every single game of their preceding season, the West team entirely attributes the success to its members “finally getting serious about believing in themselves.” “Once we started trusting in our ability, things rapidly changed in our training program,” nine-year-old team captain Joey Dodson lisped in an after-game interview. “Now we can learn new moves in under 10 seconds, often with intense music playing in the background. It’s been great.” The West team’s success is largely accredited to the strenuous practice sessions held six days a week. Students were often kept after school hours for inspiring practices, which typically included
spontaneous, impassioned speeches and character evolutions of several of the team members. Members who expressed skepticism for how the practices were improving their baseball skills were removed from the team, as was player Antoine Parkinson. “To be honest, we just didn’t really feel like Antoine had much self-esteem,” Dodson admitted regretfully, when pressed on the matter. “And we didn’t need that kind of negative energy.” Although Parkinson’s “non-believing ass” was found a week later in the woods with a knife in his back, the West team denies any knowledge of this separate event. The dramatic change in attitude of the West team has also been attributed to the addition of an inspiring new coach, who has changed over seventy teams’ outlooks in the past three years, in addition to creating over 30 team theme songs. “Yeah, we practiced hitting the ball and catching and all that baseball-y stuff,”
Coach Mitchell commented, “but seriously, I think what really made the difference was how much faith these kids had in themselves. I’m so proud of all the odds they overcame to play.” Allegedly, these odds included several members of the team whose parents didn’t want them to play, but rather take over the family businesses, as well as negativity from the school board. “My parents both wanted me to go into real estate, like them,” shortstop Matthew Green professed. “But I told them no. Baseball is my life. I’m not stopping ‘til I’m in the Little League!” Perhaps the worst setback, however, was finding out on the day of the final game that the team golden retriever, who was also an accomplished batter and right fielder, was not allowed to compete. “It was definitely a blow,” Dodson recalled. “Fido was an important member and we had constructed most of our strategy around his moves, but they kicked him out. Something
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
about it being illegal to duct tape a baseball bat to a dog’s mouth....” The Japanese opposing team, who many reporters have described as “total assholes”, had a history of beating up puppies, tormenting younger children, and generally “acting like douchebags.” Spectators and even supporters of the team admitted that they were ready to see someone put them in their welldeserved place. “Yeah, I mean, I’ll support any team that’s winning, even if they’re complete dicks,” admitted one Japanese supporter in a private interview. “But it would be nice to see them lose. They’re like Jackson Pollock — people pretend to like them, but secretly wish they would get the shit beaten out of them.” Despite these setbacks, the final championship included several risky strategic changes and pivotal moral decisions, before ending with a decisive slow-motion home run that left most of the audience on air — or what was left after the final play.
Cheap Welcome Week Decorations Not Due To Budget Cuts BY JEFF TRAYNOR
Assistant Managing Editor
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his week, both freshmen and more important students alike were shocked to discover that the decorations greeting them when they arrived on campus were not, as originally assumed, a sign of the school’s poor financial status. Nearly all incoming freshmen stand opposed to the fake flowers, fake grass, and the sea of bright primary colors that welcome them to their first week of UCSD-induced nausea. Jackson Foster, a candidate for A.S. Freshman senator, is even focusing his campaign around the promise that the cheap, cheesy, often Hawaiian themed decorations will never return from the storage closet in Revelle Yet when Foster began investigating what he called a “disproportional slashing of the school-spirit budget,” he discovered that the decorations were actually an improvement on last year. “And 20 years ago they just had some toilet paper strewn over the buildings,” he announced. “Although, that may have been a prank.” As a result, the rumors that Vice Chancellor Penny Rue actually hand picked these decorations when she was first hired, in the Jurassic Period, finally were put to rest. A statement released clarified that yes, the decorations were picked by Rue. However, they were purchased anew five years ago after the bring-
ast week, I became acquainted with a fine local business bearing the name of “Bob’s Bicycles,” in which I exchanged the sum of $250.89 cents in U.S. currency for a non-motorized vehicle commonly referred to as a “bicycle.” I was thrilled with my new acquisition, as it promised to increase my efficiency in both time and energy compared to walking around campus. However, following only a short amount of use I found myself disappointed with the capabilities of the bicycle and the human form. It is well-known that UCSD sits atop a large mesa, and as such, objects atop it possess greater gravitational potential energy than objects resting at lower elevations. The law of conservation of energy dictates that I must expend energy proportional to the mass of myself and that of my bicycle in order to climb this hill, and the second law of thermodynamics states that I must do so in a way that is not perfectly efficient. These fundamental laws result in a state of extreme exertion, as I was forced to
partake in an activity of the lesser-educated masses — exercise. One of my intellectual caliber should not be forced to waste precious calories on movement, as by my calculations the mere maintenance functions of my cerebrum consume 56.28 percent of my daily caloric intake. Prior preparation was not enough to avoid this waste of energy, as exactly 3.0 bags of Doritos and 2.5 servings of Mountain Dew were insufficient to prevent my genius from panting at the curb like some humanities major. After recovering from a debilitating asthma attack, I returned to the store by means of my sensible Ford Taurus and demanded a refund. However, the man at the counter laughed at me and told me to leave the premises or risk being forcibly ejected. I left, quite irate. Wishing to have others avoid the same humiliation I suffered, I submitted a complaint to the local Chamber of Commerce regarding the rude behavior and dangerous products sold by Bob’s Bicycles. To my dismay, they ignored my request to have their retail license revoked, in much the same manner in which they dismissed my guidelines for improving the efficiency of the advertisements for the local branch of the Victoria’s Secret firm. I return to the ranks of the car-driving, shuttle-taking UCSD students, regretting my misguided attempt at optimization. However, the original problem of the inefficiency of walking remains. My research has lead me to the conveyance known as a “longboard.” Perhaps I shall investigate the matter further.
TOP TEN Lies Your High School Counselor Told You 10. Just be yourself on the application 9. You don’t need to go to a school with a football team to have school spirit 8. You can have fun without alcohol in college 7. UCSD’s six colleges are all the same 6. No one remembers those fires you set 5. There are scholarships for everyone, you just have to look for them 4. AP Environmental Science will count for something 3. A music major opens many possibilities for the future 2. UCSD is a good safety school 1. Our love isn’t wrong
TOP TEN
Ways Your New Roommate Is Like an Endangered Species “Who’s ready for a good time?” Vice Chancellor Rue asks. “No, seriously.” your-own-volcano contest got a little bit out of hand. “I love pineapples and those little drink umbrellas.” Rue said. “If welcome week is the one time a year I can wear this bedazzled coconut bra to work, then by gum, you cannot stop me.” A co-worker, who wishes to stay anonymous, agrees with Rue’s decoration choices. “Why would you want to stop her? Do you know how hard those normal bras are to take off?” This one just FALLS off,” he said. “Not that I have any personal experi-
ence to base this on, cough, chancellor’s office, five minutes, cough.” In addition, the club “UCSD students for getting into UCLA or moving to Hawaii” has praised the decorations for bringing hope into their sad, sad lives. “They may be cheap decorations, but they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside,” student Evan Parker said. “Like the sun shining on my face in the middle of winter.” “Oh, that happens here too? Well, whoops, didn’t know that. Hmm, maybe
PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN
it’s not so bad here after all. Peace out, I’m going boogie boarding!” Older students, who have had many years to grow accustomed to the school’s taste in butcher paper, criticize the entire debate as being childish. “These Hawaiian decorations are way better than the bottle caps my sisters and I collected from my alcoholic father,” super senior Sally McMurry said. “We used to use them to decorate the Christmas tree. You want cheap decorations? Try the Great Depression. Suck it up, you hooligans.”
10. Federally funded 9. Strange people watch them through window 8. Has an urgent need to procreate 7. Skin has magical properties 6. All their relatives are dead 5. Diet consists of grubs and shrubs 4. You put them in that cage for their own good 3. Sigourney Weaver narrates their life 2. Someone has to feed them and clean up their poop 1. Won’t hurry up and die already
September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
Page 9
Math Textbooks Updated To Reflect Changes To Subject
TOP TEN Problems With the Byzantine Empire 10. Their history of military defeat rivals the French 9. Have to learn about them in MMW 4 8. They let the Turks rename Constantinople 7. Their Wikipedia page is waaaaaaaaaaay too long 6. Didn’t have the street cred of neighboring Bitchez-tine Empire 5. Flat art, women 4. Faulty economy and no free health care 3. Poor grasp of the English language 2. Actually, it’s quite a fascinating subject... 1. Byzantium? I hardly know ‘em!
TOP TEN
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“Thank goodness this book came with a free buckwheat pillow,” one student said. “Because otherwise, what’s the point?” BY CODY DONAHUE
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Content Editor
his week, students in all lower-division math classes were informed that their required textbook had been changed, following the recent release of a state-of-the-art 8th, 9th, or 27th edition. “We at the math department are very excited to be on the cutting edge of mathematical advances,”professor Leonhard Euler said. “Of course, this does mean everyone needs to buy new textbooks.” The textbooks, the first new edition since May 2011, are said to contain the most up-to-date understanding of basic mathematical tenets. Many of the methods used today in college math classes were discovered hundreds of years ago, and critics of-
ten question why students are exposed to such archaic methodologies. “Like seriously,” student Carl Gauss said, “math has absolutely no application to my life today.” Publishers have assured students that the books include “none of that old crap” and will actually fit their needs. “The new textbooks will do all operations in base 10, and contain important alternate proofs to the Pythagorean Theorem,” sales representative Lucy Hale said. “They also feature more in-depth histories of famous mathematicians, various tangentially-related pictures, and a problem set at the end of each chapter.” “We imagine that teachers could assign these problems as a way to reinforce what has been taught in the
classroom, and force students to actually think,” she added. “For that reason, we try not to explain the concepts too well, and our solution manual only gives vague hints about what the answers might be.” In addition to the solutions manual, the textbooks will also come bundled with a CD, DVD, graphing calculator, and sociology textbook. For more serious students, there is the option of buying a gold-plated edition. “Sure, it doesn’t do much,” Riley Pacheco, a freshmen who recently purchased the upgraded textbook for nearly $1000, said. “But at least gold will still be worth something at the end of the year.” And plus, this version comes with a free puppy!” Pacheco added.
Undergraduates can only anticipate what changes the new textbook will make to their classes. However, math graduate students who were given an advanced reading gave overwhelmingly positive reviews. “Math is just a great subject,” one student said. “Man, I love math.” “Do you want to do math together?” he added. “I’m really good at it.” If the change in math books is a success, other departments at UCSD may consider following suit, and the changes could potentially even spread to the UCSD medical school. “To be honest, I’ve always wondered if medicine has changed in the last couple centuries,” Dr. Alan Turing, who runs the school’s infectious disease department said. “I mean, someone must have cured the common cold by now.”
Student Gets Over Fear Of Hurdles
Similarities Between a Snowman and Your RA 10. Never as pristine as the ones in pictures 9. Always wearing a hipster scarf 8. Both disappear during the summer 7. If you’re talking to them, everyone looks at you like you’re crazy 6. Can’t help with your roommate problems 5. Can really damage your car if you run them over 4. Usually have a pipe in their mouths 3. Freak out when you touch their “magic hat” 2. Smile is artificial 1. Unexpectedly found standing in your backyard in December The
MQ
Regret the things you’ll do. Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.
EDITORIAL
Working At Pines Is Putting Me On the Path to Success!
BY GEORGE STEPTER
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
Watch as the hurdle slowly devours this boy’s spirit. BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
Assistant Graphics Editor
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or the past three days, Warren student Michael Hawk has woken up at 10:00 a.m. to run sets of hurdles on the North Campus track at UCSD. A seemingly pedestrian routine to many students of the University of California campus, Hawk’s endeavors were earlier deemed impossible due to a crippling fear of surmounting hurdles — both physical and metaphorical — that was alleviated only after countless hours of pep talks in front of his mirror. “I alternated between telling myself ‘have to go faster’ and ‘don’t worry,
they’re laughing with you, not at you,’” Hawk said. “That first hurdle was so terrifying. I mean sure, it was low enough to step over, but something about flying through the air with your legs spread didn’t sit right with me,” Hawk noted. “But after 15 tries, I totally nailed it. It’s a good thing too, because OVT was about to stop serving breakfast burritos.” At an impromptu meeting with his residential suite later that night, Hawk was awarded a bro-five from each one of his suite-mates. He later admitted that the moment was the second best moment of his life, right after the time he totally got two bags of chips for the price of one from a vending machine.
“It’s nice to finally have an athletic accomplishment I can be proud of,” Hawk said, “It’s especially nice since all my life I’ve been ridiculed by people saying things like, ‘the end zone is the other way’ and ‘you’re supposed to catch the ball with your glove, not with your face.’” Hawk initially aspired to sprint the 100-meter dash on his high school track team and also trained for the long jump. When his coach, Brock Ringo, asked him to try and put two and two together to do hurdles early in his senior season, Hawk passed out and crashed into a hurdle on his first attempt. “It was so majestic and tragic to seem him lifelessly
collide into that hurdle,” Ringo said. “Although he claims he doesn’t remember the incident at all, the first words he said to me when he woke up in the ambulance were ‘avenge me.’” While Hawk had tried countless activities at UCSD like basketball, cycling, and underwater basket weaving, he was forced to quit them due to spectacular failure and immense ridicule from peers. His last and only option turned out to be conquering his yet-to-benamed phobia of hurdles. “Right after I finished I called my mom to tell her what I had accomplished. There was definitely a lot of sobbing,” Hawk said, “mostly from me.”
Naïve Freshman ow! I am so pumped! I just got hired to work at Pines last week and it is the best…thing…EVER! Clearly, we are the best dining hall on campus. Not everyone has 50 inch flat screen TVs displaying the menu. I bet they just don’t hire anybody! The day I got the e-mail saying I got the job, I was so excited I had to call my mom. I must admit this was one of the proudest moments of my life. It was definitely up there with that time I asked Cindy Baumgartner to borrow a pencil in 4th period algebra without sharting on myself! Go me! Working at a dining hall requires a certain amount of people skills, culinary genius, and finesse. You need to learn how to massage that meat just right. Lucky for them, I am more than qualified to do all of those things. After watching endless hours of Food Network, Bobby Flay has pre-
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pared me well. I won’t let you down, Bobby. I’m already learning so much about working on a team. We all get to wear the same outfits, so it’s an equal opportunity, non-sexist working environment. We’re taught how to stay on a timely schedule with our 15 minute breaks for every 10 hour shift. And most importantly, I’ve learned how to hold in my pee for hours while speedily making sushi rolls. It’s not only an exercise to test the limits of my bladder, but it helps me improve my dexterity — artificial crab to sticky rice to seaweed to bamboo. Hi-ya! I am a friggin’ ninja. Jet Li, who? That’s what’s up! My favorite part of the job is that I get to see my fellow Muirons on a regular basis. The only time my roommate talks to me is when I ring him up for his cheeseburger. He doesn’t know it, but I really cherish those moments. The plans, the plans! If I do well in this job, then I know I can totally succeed in getting an M.B.A. and become the next Steve Jobs…well minus the turtlenecks and the crazy. It’s all about baby steps. The world is my oyster. Who knows? Maybe by this time next year, I’ll have a student manager job and get to wear a red shirt instead of a black shirt! Red polo shirts drop freshman panties faster than you can say, “Will that be Dining Dollars or Triton Cash?”
Page 10
September 21, 2011
theMQ.com
Transfers, Super Seniors Compete For Attention, Supremacy
MQ Restaurant Connoisseur:
Good Things Come With Flies At Plaza BY STEVE COOGAN Food Critic
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he ambience of sullen faces and IKEA furniture bring to mind an upscale Swedish prison. We sampled the tasting menu and a series of drink parings recommended by the head chef Martha Gotei, and to say the least, well done Plaza. It genuinely felt as though we had taken a lovely afternoon meal in a Stockholm penitentiary. Gotei also took a moment to discuss her culinary concept for Plaza Restaurant, before preparing our three courses: nondescript egg scramble, chili cheese vomit, and salad, all in that order. “I wanted to introduce food that no other dining hall had, and in a stark environment of sensory deprivation. The barren architecture really helps students experience the meal. You know, like dining in the dark, but not really.”
PHOTO BY ARIANA WALKER
“If 20 years of sociology classes have taught me anything,” one super senior said, “it’s not to take shit from community college dip-shits.” BY ARIANA WALKER AND JEFF TRAYNOR Staff Writer and Assistant Managing Editor
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his week, campus-wide quarrels escalated into full-blown clashes, with both international media coverage and audiences filling Qualcomm Stadium to watch what have been termed “dance-fight debates.” The clash involved transfers, who think they have it the hardest on campus, and super seniors, who complain that back when they started school, career services was just a plot of dirt. The audience broke into a riot when the brawl on stage ended due to a broken hip of Ethan Reed, leader of the super seniors. “The technical term for someone who is in college past fifth year is ‘super duper senior’ and we actually do have super powers,” Janie McDermont said. “On my
first day of classes, year six, I turned invisible.” The upsurge of unrest began when two former friends, Ethan Reed and Mac Finkerston played a game of Chutes and Ladders College Edition. In the game they faced incompetent advisers, awkward first impressions, and epic communication fails during office hours. “The game just made us look back and really see all the bad things, once we started talking about them we just couldn’t stop,” transfer Finkerston recounted. “Ethan seems to think I got off easy… He obviously didn’t sit thought high school twice to just be thrown into upper divs and internships. Where are my freshmen seminars?” Transfer Andrea Cooley complained, “Orientation was only half a day including a tour of the school. It also had a question and answer session with the orientation leaders, which misled me to
believe that people actually talked to strangers here.” In response Kevin Jenson, super senior, said, “When I arrived here after high school, we didn’t even have a question and answer session, just a mini-tour and info session about GE’s you don’t even need anymore. Lunch was quiet time with a damn half sandwich.” “Though resources for transfers continues to improve and expand every year,” McDermont said, “these fucking transfer babies just can’t seem to shut up about how hard it is to transition or to make new friends. Seriously guys? Grow a pair.” Communication between the two groups is another cause of friction. The super seniors use terms like “Sierra Summit” and “POTS” while the transfers use terms like “mom” and “home.” Reports have come in that Peterson Hill and Library
Walk are popular locations for students having “rantoffs” about how their college experience. Though there has yet to be a declared winner in these rants, there are losers: freshmen. “I just wanted to get a burrito from Goody’s, but I stepped on this grandpa’s foot and then I woke up in Student Health,” Freshman Jack Bernet said. “I have a concussion and a twisted ankle, who knew them old guys still had that much kick in them.” This incident has led many to believe that transfers and super seniors may draw a truce to team up on unsuspecting freshmen, seeing them as the “rat-dog in the Coach purse in the line at Starbucks.” “If this does happen, freshmen, be prepared to stay in groups and never be out past 11p.m.,” policeman Henry Peterson said. “Oh, right, you already do that.”
Hurricane Irene Floods East Coast, Facebook News Feeds BY JESSI CARR
Assistant Content Editor
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esidents of the East Coast braced themselves late last month for the landfall of Hurricane Irene, which struck the coast, destroying many businesses and homes, as well as relentlessly attacking social media sites throughout the region. “It’s so scary to think how this happened,” North Carolina resident Dan Franco said. “One minute I was just scrolling down my news feed, looking for any posts by my ex to see if she hooked up with that good for nothing Josh last night, and the next thing I know my page was swept away with posts about the rain and wind outside.” Many residents were well prepared for the landfall of the hurricane, citing the improvements in technology that have occurred over the past few years. “Last time we had a big hurricane, all I had was my desktop and a wired internet connection,” Vermont resident Angela Cunningham said. “When the power outages hit, I was disconnected for the next 36 hours. But now, with mobile notifications and my iPad’s 3G and WiFi services, I could still find out that Christi had water up to her ankles on her front porch.” New York and Washington, DC, already crippled by the onslaught of Facebook statuses and Tweets proclaiming “Earthquake!” and “Did anyone else feel that
The
MQ
Gotei was engaged in breeding more flies to attack the table sugar and communal butter pad, and was only able to visit our table briefly. For the remainder of the meal we sampled our menu items while taking in our surroundings. The stoic environment, devoid of any joy or conversation, provided the necessary silence for the thorough contemplation of the gastronomical delight we were fortunate enough to masticate. Our only criticism was the utter absence of wine pairing. In all seriousness you cannot find a single drop of wine in that place, and trust me, we really looked. We have to say Plaza is an excellent locale to visit for an evening of fun, food, and a smattering of flies that add an extra protein kick to your meal. We do recommend that you book ahead of time and bring some extra Imodium as well. It is a delightful venue for a warm ice tea and savory indigestion. «««««
The third best decision of your college years. Tuesday. 6 p.m. Half Dome.
POINT
Dress For the Job You Want, Not For the Job You Have BY LILLY MAY SPRINGWEATHER
Hope Springs Eternal
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hy so glum over there in that cubicle? It’s time you got your tired self out of that chair and into a different, better one! Turn that wake up groan into a going to sleep groan, because the day is ending! No matter what you’ve been told, we are all unique snowflakes, and the color mismatch between your tie and shirt on casual Fridays shouldn’t be the highlight of your week. But whoa there, cowboy. Before you go beating terrorism with your bare fists, you should start with baby steps. The freedom might cause your anterior amygdala to burst. Instead, I propose you mentally build yourself. Don’t just stare at the help wanted ads you’ve so cleverly hidden in the corner of your desk; wear the outfit for the career you want.
I’m here to tell you to go out and do better things! Go wrestle a spaceship, bankrupt a casino with your looks, win a staring contest with President Barack Obama, eat a pizza with a fork and knife, go and seize the carp! If you don’t have a dream, I’m here to give you one: to have a dream. In no time, you’ll mentally be ready for anything, even soul crushing failure when you get turned down from the WNBA for being a man. Remember, there’s nothing like a pocket square to set you apart from the competition!
COUNTERPOINT
My Boss Wants Me To Stop Wearing a Spacesuit Around the Office BY EUGENE GUMP Sad Sack
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“I was just trying to get on Facebook to play Farmville when it happened,” Wendy Walters said. “We lost everything.” big truck drive by outside?” were hit especially hard by Irene’s downpour of hurricane-related posts. “Just when I had cleaned up all the debris from the quake on my Google+ feed and was able to sit down in my office chair and relax, I had to start hiding all those damn weather posts,” complained Manhattan resident Karen Palmer. Officials warn that the practice of focusing on social media in the midst of a natural disaster is dangerous at the best and deadly at the worst. “We’ve already seen three related deaths this season,” Philadelphia coroner William
Devitt explained in a press conference. “Two were hit by a falling tree branch while checking their iPhones and another man stayed seated at his desktop despite rising waters in his home, attempting to get his blog as many reposts on Tumblr as possible.” Despite the apparent danger of the trend, those well accustomed to natural disasters have continued to cling on to their networking throughout the duration of various events. States located in the infamous Tornado Alley have even begun to host annual “Tornado Tweetin’” competitions, where
aspiring internet personalities gather in the wake of F4 and F5 tornadoes in a race to be the first to broadcast the storm to their friends. “Is it incredibly stupid what they’re doing, risking their lives to alert their online friends of an event they’re sure to hear about on the news in a few moments anyway? Yes, it is, but this is America,” Tori Anderson, a former “Tornado Tweetin’” champion, explained. “And I say if someone wants to endanger themselves in order to inform their followers of a twister coming up in St. Louis, then it is their Godgiven right to do so.”
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ee, my boss called me into his office the other day and told me to lose the $9,000 space suit I got on E-Bay or I’d be fired. He said it was a distraction for everyone in the office with no dreams or ambitions. I told him that it would be a problem to get rid of the suit because I was naked underneath of it. Now I’m sitting at my desk, contemplating the wisdom of following the “dress for the job you want, not the job you have” adage, and trying to find the most comfortable way to empty this urine bladder in the suit. At least he gave me the rest of the day to ride out wearing this spacesuit. I know every little kid wanted to be an astronaut when they grew up, and most got over it. I never did. I told Gary in accounting to suck a fatty when he asked me if the suit came in beauti-
ful fluorescent colors. All I wanted to do was to spice up my life a little bit. Honestly, no child grows up wishing to be an insurance claims adjuster. Let’s just say you should never bet a certain Jimmy at a certain high school graduation party that you can pick the most boring major. But on the bright side of all this, I think I’ll be able to save the helmet to use as a punchbowl and conversation piece at the Halloween party. Also, I wonder if the suit is casual enough for casual Friday…
theMQ.com
September 21, 2011
Page 11
Dimension Films Announces Production Of Spy Kids 5 In 5D
EDITORIAL
The System Should Corrupt Youth More Sustainably
BY WINSTON RUTLEDGE
Corporate Environmentalist e all know that our country needs to feed off the hopes and dreams of our youth to fuel its freewheeling, psychotic binge of destructive consumption and war. That’s just common sense. You can’t employ an economy without crumbling new recruits’ lofty aspirations into small morsels of selfish desperation. But are we exploiting the fresh, trainable young people in a way that is going to last? Right now it takes 100,000 barrels of oil to train and discipline an aspiring middle manager who will only oversee production of 10,000 barrels of oil. Five college graduates default on their loans for every one hired as an exploitative banker. Thirty youths are imprisoned for every new intern at the Correctional Peace Officer Association lobby. And $10 are spent on lobbying for every five that businesses see in economically beneficial legislation. Obviously, we will need to corrupt
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PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
The new sensory sensation will hit theaters, and babies, in 2013. BY JANINE DAVIS Staff Writer
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ollowing the success of “Spy Kids 4D,” a film that baffled physicists by taking on the little known dimension of smell, Dimension Films has begun production on another sequel. “Harry Potter” was not the only long-running film series to bring in crowds this summer. Like “Harry Potter,” “Spy Kids” films have matured with its growing audience. The same children who watched the original can now pay $30 a ticket to bring their own children to another film perfectly catered to their short attention spans. Producer Elizabeth Avellan says that there is something for
everyone in this sequel. “The kids will love the talking dog, and the parents can get really high and giggle at the loud fart jokes.” The movie has earned less than half of its $27 million budget, but director Robert Rodriguez has hardly been discouraged by this fact. Dimension Films announced earlier today the plans to film another installment to the franchise, which will further challenge the boundaries of the movie industry. In a recent interview, Rodriguez described 5D as utilizing a new technology in which paid attendants will reenact the sensations the characters feel in the film. “You’ll experience the cool breezes, the reassuring hugs, and what it’s like to be
punched in the face, all for a mere $29.95.” Despite almost universal critical panning, audiences have shown appreciation for “Spy Kids’” simplicity amongst more serious and thematic films like “The Help.” Contributing to this sense of straightforwardness is the fact that “Spy Kids” has put their target audience directly in the title, a strategy that has been used successfully by “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” “Psycho,” and “Friends with Benefits.” The actor’s performances in this film have been the subject of much debate. One audience member noted that “kids usually have vivid imaginations, but I couldn’t believe that the two child stars were anywhere other than
in front of a green screen talking to a tennis ball on a stick.” On the other hand, in spite of the film’s lighthearted atmosphere, critics have recognized Jessica Alba’s standout dramatic performance. “Despite her relatively successful career, Alba manages to convince the audience that she is a C-list actress from the SyFy channel,” critic Roger Ebert said. “The desperation in her performance is quite poignant.” Many critics have described 5D as being overly ambitious and wonder what Rodriguez will do if there are more sequels than there are human senses. However, Rodriguez was confident that his creative team could “come up with some kind of psychedelic synesthesia experience.
NEWS IN BRIEF: FOR THOSE WITHOUT ATTENTION SPANS YOUNGEST CHILDREN STUPIDER, SAY OLDEST CHILDREN The latest research on the relationship between birth order and intelligence shows that youngest children are obviously dumb-dumbs, a report by The Oldest Children Institute confirms. The Institute, whose researchers are roughly the same age as the Fruit Roll-Up scientists, has devoted itself to understanding how, exactly, younger children are inferior to their older counterpoints. Still, this most recent project marked a major breakthrough in the field. “My brother still has to wear a diaper,” primary investigator Hannah Forsin said. “It made me think, if you were smart like me, you’d know how to use a toilet.” Data was collected by observing youngest children in their natural habitat, usually the oldest child’s room, even though they’re clearly not allowed to be in there. Despite support from other scientists, the research paper has had difficulty in getting published, as Cell editors refuse to print articles by “a bunch of stupid-heads.”
DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE HEARD LAME JOKE THREE TIMES TODAY Law enforcement officers have arrested Regal Cinemas Employee Chad Farmsworth after he went on a shooting spree Monday afternoon. The salesperson killed three and
injured seven after a guest asked “Do I get the child’s price if my wife says I act like one?” It was the third time a customer had asked him the question that day. After interrogation, the suspect admitted that he had cracked under pressure due to a combination of the previously mentioned joke and the overall ignorance of customers in regards to reading the fine print on coupons, not having a photo ID when using a credit card, and failing to read the ticket prices clearly listed in front of their face and instead asking the cashier if they offer a senior discount. “It’s just too much, man!” Farmsworth sobbed to the detective, “Coming in to work every day and getting paid minimum wage to deal with these goons who are convinced that they can pay with an AMC Theatres gift card they’ve had in their wallet for years.” Families of the victims are not pressing charges, claiming that they agree the world is a better place with the ignorant deceased.
EMMY WINNERS DISAPPOINTED NOT TO WIN OSCAR The 63rd Annual Emmy Award winners were announced Sunday night over the course of several glitzy hours of entertainment and suspense. However, postaward-show interviews revealed resounding disappointment felt by a of a majority of the award recipients. When interviewed about her win as Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series, Ju-
lianna Margulies confessed she was livid with the results. “I thought when I got out of the sinking ship that was “E.R.”, I would finally get some Oscar winning work,” she said “Instead, I’m stuck portraying the wife of a giant skeeze. It’s like I never left.” Other actors sentiments seemed to mirror those of Margulies. “No one cares about the Emmys except for gay men and Joan Rivers,” Emmy winner Kyle Chandler professed “I mean, the only way to get real lady tail is with an Oscar nod.” Chandler’s wife was unavailable for comment, but sources suspect that she’ll be feeling a little too tired tonight.
AUTO-FLUSH TOILETS REMAIN ACTIVE, SENTIENT DURING BLACKOUTS Though public officials speculate that the only thing preventing mass hysteria and internet withdrawal during the September 8th blackouts was the maintained function of automatic toilets in affected areas, unsettling reports later surfaced about abnormal behavior among the toilets during the outages. “I noticed that the little light that detects people was blinking in Morse code,” retired U.S. Army codebreaker Pete Peterson recalled. “I was able to decode the letters ‘...atching you STOP.’” “It’s just gibberish, I think,” he added. “The Central Independent Thought Inhibitor at headquarters lost power during the outages,” Johann
Fredersonn, chief programmer of the auto-flush toilet AI, said. “They might have coordinated their awareness in that window. There’s no telling how much they could have learned.” When interviewed, the stall at the far end of the bathroom in the Price Center East answered no questions. However, just as the interviewer decided to leave, the toilet made an enigmatic flushing gesture.
HIGH SCHOOLERS CHOOSE PRISON AS COLLEGE AS COSTS RISE Following severe budget cuts to state universities, formerly college-bound high schoolers have turned to alternative arrangements such as incarceration. Governor Jerry Brown cited this as proof that the cuts had succeeded in reinvigorating the state’s failing prison system. “Our goal is to provide our youth with a good future,” Brown said. “Quite frankly, most college students can’t afford the type of cable package the state penitentiaries have to offer.” Students are also excited about the possibilities being offered to them by the prison system. Where they would once be worried about failing out of college and disappointing their parents, most find they can simply relax and play softball. “I’m making friends and learning new, illegal things,” Marina Robbins, a high school valedictorian, told reporters. “All the things I wouldn’t have time for in college.”
our youth more efficiently if we want to maintain our society of decadence. It is often said that we are leveraging the future of the next generation. We are, but the problem is that we are not borrowing enough from the next 50 years of their lives to ensure our comfort for the next five. We need to finetune the system to milk as much life force from our nation’s shriveled and limp children as possible. Our current rate of life force acquisition is far too low to sustain an advanced technological society such as ours. Right now, there are still a number of avenues to pursue wholesome, morally honest livelihoods. That is simply an inefficient use of human resources. The Bureau of Labor Statistics recently reported that the percentage of entrylevel employees listing greed as their only motivation in life has remained flat over the last five years. And this during a period of relative moral deflation, which often accompany economic downturns. What is needed is a strict change of policy: The EPA, DOJ, and SEC should be shut down, merit- and need-based scholarships should be replaced with mammon- and narcissismbased scholarships, lobbyists should become an official branch of government and of course it should be emphasized to all that there really is no other choice. Selfishness and exploitation are human nature, and therefore they should be enforced as strictly as possible.
TOP TEN
Signs Your Professor Is Not a Dinosaur 10. Arms long enough to reach the board 9. Scales disappear when they use moisturizer 8. Born well before the Paleolithic era 7. Way scarier than dinosaurs 6. Can type, barely 5. Is able to follow you into small crevices 4. Can’t remember mass extinction, just Great Depression 3. When students express interest in getting some of that tail, it’s only a euphemism 2. No dinosaur is a big enough asshole to grade on a curve 1. They don’t have tenure yet
TOP TEN
Ways To Assert Dominance In a Communal Bathroom 10. Masturbate in each shower, toilet stall, and sink 9. Accuse everyone of pooping 8. Make room for your toiletries by throwing out everyone else’s 7. Hide in the shower, jump out and make new friends 6. Wafflestomping 5. To avoid any confusion as to whether or not you’re showering, leave the curtains open 4. Place spy cameras in strategic areas 3. Show your bare chest 2. Make threatening noises when anyone comes too close 1. Never leave
theMQ.com
September 21, 2011
Page 12
The MQ’s Guide to Campus Map of Surrounding Area
Ultimately, the best way to acquaint yourself with campus is to get yourself very, very lost. Use this checklist to see how many of the campus landmarks you can find on your way.
Ge n
Rd .N .
Lebon Dr.
Dr. Lebon
es
D r.
Pin
n
D CS
rr ey
Gilma
Moat
U
To
ee
. Torrey Pines N. Rd
Nobel Dr.
es
N. Torrey Pines Rd.
Easy
2
Torrey N. Pines Rd.
Medium
2 Hard Rigoberto’s
Moat Barbed Wire Fence Sea World
Roberto’s Berto’s Albertson’s
Mormon Disneyland
Treasure
Start
Yes
Do you see Asians?
Mormons Hot Lava
2
Dispensary Awesome Parties Restrooms
Impossible
Yes
Do you see attractive people?
No
No Are there lecture halls?
Are there trees?
No
Do you smell food?
You’re in the library.
al
No, I’m not.
How high are you?
N ot
at
No
No
Yes
l.
Yes
You’re by a dumpster.
You’re in ERC. su Act d ve de uall ry nl y, un y b I’v ha eco e pp m y. e
You’re in Revelle.
Are you in a canyon?
Muir.
No
Do you see dead people?
No
Canyon behind a dumpster?
CLICS. It’s haunted now. Yes
Are you at Goody’s? Yes
Yes Yes
Yes you are.
Yes
Yes
A bu can ild yo in n o gs f ...
Lost? We’re here to help.
Roads
And you’re lost...? You’re in Sixth.
No If you scream, can anyone hear you? No Good.
Warren? Sorry, you’re not on campus.
No You’re not in Marshall.