THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
September 21, 2011
“I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” — Rep. Ron Paul, R-TX.
Fifty percent news. One hundred percent paper.
Servicemen Now Authorized To Show, Tell
Volume XVIII Issue I
IN THIS ISSUE WOMAN DONATES $20 TO GREENPEACE, WORLD IS SAVED
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SDSU CUTS 50 PERCENT OF STUPID PEOPLE
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AN UNOLYMPIC LOOK AT UCSD
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HURRICANE FLOODS COAST, FACEBOOK NEWS FEED
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ANNOUNCED: “SPY KIDS 5” IN 5D
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NEWS IN BRIEF “All the attention is making my snake uncomfortable,” this private said. BY JESSI CARR
Assistant Content Editor
F
ollowing years of legal and social taboos, members from multiple branches of the U.S. Armed Forces convened in the National Mall Tuesday morning to celebrate the repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell”policy that has been
governing military policy since 1993 by participating in what is believed to be the largest show-and-tell session ever held in the recorded history of the nation. Troops began lining up in the National Mall as early as Saturday afternoon, clutching precious knickknacks and baubles that they had gath-
ered over the years with the anticipation of one day being able to publicly share with their fellow soldiers. Chief Master Sergeant Joel Miller was among the first in line for the event, and when called up to the stage, he proudly displayed a jar of sand that he collected from his first trip to Afghanistan. “I come
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
from Kansas,” Miller stated into the microphone as thousands of onlookers ohhed and ahhed at the mason jar he held up for the crowd, “and we don’t ever really see sand there, so I thought it was kind of neat to be able to just see it everywhere.”
See SHARING, page 2
Bookstore Sells Apparel Of the University You Wish You Were Attending
LOCAL BRO TELLS COOL STORY, FINDS $20 Last Wednesday, Chad Rogers, president of San Diego State University’s Alpha Beta Gamma fraternity, was congratulated by his fraternity brothers on his story-telling abilities. Rogers livened up the ABG bedtimes with an exciting story about explosions, sunglasses, and surfing. The tale was an immediate success, and unanimously applauded by the fraternity brothers, as well as friends of theirs to whom they later related the story. “Story-telling was always
a part of my family,” Chad explained. “That’s why I became a literature major. Not because I don’t have to worry about grades and have time to surf and party during finals week.” While leaving the dorm room of freshman Leena McGuire, who required a personal re-telling of the story, Rogers was throwing a used cigarette on the sidewalk when he noticed something else on the ground: a crisp new $20 bill. “Andrew J’s my brah!” Chad exclaimed.
BY BRIAN DAMP Editor-in-Chief
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
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fter decades of providing students with all means of hemorrhaging cash, UCSD’s bookstore will soon offer something aside from overpriced, used copies of “required” texts. Beginning this week, students will also be able to purchase hoodies, lanyards, and other accoutrement bearing the name of the universities that rejected them. The brainchild of the bookstore’s merchandise manager, Ross Crandall, the illegal sales strategy was inspired by the remarkable number of disillusioned undergrads who traverse the campus wearing hoodies from Berkeley, UCLA, and Ivy League schools. “We’ve been noticing a trend around campus for years,” explains Crandall. “It’s as though students refuse to come to terms with their shortcomings and crippling inadequacy.” “But let’s be real here,” Crandall continued. “You can wear your older sibling’s ‘Cal’ tank top all you want, it won’t change the fact that you’re facing four years at the mother of all safety schools.” Tiffany Chen, a Revelle College Freshman, intends to be one of the first consumers of the new apparel. “It’s not that I’m ashamed to be here,” Chen explains, “I’m just a little embarrassed. I’m not ready to embrace the mediocrity of
Bystanders beheld bossy bison in a borough of Buffalo berating blameless beatnik Buffalonian buffalo. The broken beasts bolted before belittling broadened to bounteous bunches. Buffalo bureaucrats believe the bout began by beatnik Buffalonian buffalo bumping baffled bossy bison by the Barker Bar on Broadway Boulevard. The bristled and bothered bison barked back with backtalk. The bewildered buffalo bade to bolt because belated brushes had become beyond bothersome but then became boxed in. Briskly bystanders bus-
tled and buzzed because of the brewing bereavements. The barter of bad-mouthing and blaming bore on. A befuddling and bemusement befell buying a break before the bossy bison bellowed bounteously again. But beholders blundered blaming the bossy bison when the badge beseeched and begged for them. Before the bison and buffalo berating, badmouthing in Buffalo was banal and bland. Buffalo began barring and blocking the berating and badmouthing by buffalo and bison because of the broached business.
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“I want Cal to know that I haven’t given up on them,” one student explains. “I’m sure they just lost my application.” my surroundings just yet. Let’s face it, if academic awards for undergraduate programs were like athletic trophies, UCSD’s display case would boast ‘participant’ at best.” Andrew Reynolds, a junior at Marshall College, feels this change is long overdue. “If only they’d have done this when I was a freshman,” he said. “I had to order all of my Stanford University underwear online! As it turns out, accurately estimating one’s
boxer brief size is difficult,” he admitted. “I discovered that I’m not actually an XXL.” When asked to divulge further on why the bookstore had decided to finally resort to trademark infringement to boost sales, Crandall revealed that the university was simply following its age-old credo, “Milk those suckers for all they’re worth.” On a related note, he announced that next month the bookstore will be having a
“Pre-med Special” on thickquilted, absorbent pillowcases that muffle anguished sobs and absorb tears 70 percent more efficiently than standard linens. “There is no limit to how low the bookstore will stoop to fleece you,” Crandall confided with a chuckle. “I like to think that if you have an insecurity, we can find a way to exploit it for profit. If you don’t feel insecure, we’re here to remind you of why you should.”
PRICE OF JET FUEL SKYROCKETS
HUNDREDS OF SQUID CROSS THE BEACH
Airline industry’s lofty ambitions run into the ground.
Failed attempt to get to the other tide.
MEDICAL MIRACLE: NEW DRUG TREATS ADDICTION TO OLD DRUG Medical science made another victory yesterday when the FDA approved oxycodonone, a highly addictive opioid, to treat addiction to oxycodone, a less highly addictive opioid also known as OxyContin. “The brilliance of this drug is that it beats out the original addiction by being more addictive,” Dr. Amos Tharnow, an expert on drug abuse and addiction at Harvard Medical School, said. He stated other attempts to cure addiction have not worked as well since the drugs are not as good as the ones they replaced. “Subjects in clinical trials had extraordinarily high levels of com-
pliance with treatment, even enthusiasm.” This recent deliverance by science comes on the heels of an earlier victory over more conventional drugs. The number of overdoses and deaths from OxyContin and other prescription painkillers beat those of cocaine and heroin several years ago. “The track record of modern science on beating out irrational-self destruction is very promising,” Dr. Mary Hailford, a psychiatrist and researcher at Stanford, said. “At this rate, everyone will have a little slice of the benefits of scientific testing.”
See BRIEFS, page 11