THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
October 26, 2011
“My face— I see it in the mirror when I wash it every morning. It’s an okay face.” — Christopher Walken
Easier to digest than candy corn. To hell with candy corn.
Nation’s Elite Victimized By Wall Street Occupation
Volume XVIII Issue II
IN THIS ISSUE R.E.M. BREAKS UP, WHITE PEOPLE 3 AFFECTED RECORD NUMBER OF STUDENTS STUDYING ABROAD IN SIXTH SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANCELL
5 6, 7
AREA SLUT TO DRESS AS PRUDE FOR HALLOWEEN NEW MACBOOK AIR MADE OF 78% NITROGEN, 21% OXYGEN
9 11
NEWS IN BRIEF GADHAFI MAIMS BULLET WITH SKULL PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“This is even more bothersome than finding a wine pairing for breakfast strudel,” this man said. “I can see why everyone is so upset.” BY CODY DONAHUE
O
Content Editor
ver a month into the “peaceful” Wall Street occupation, the targets of the protest – a small, marginalized minority referred to as the “one percent” – are finally speaking out about their experiences. “It’s been
terrible,” investment banker Ronald Lieberman said. “Yesterday, I had to park my own Bentley. I don’t think that dent is going to come out. I may have to buy another.” The thousands of protesters setting up camp around the nation haven’t only relieved the one percent of their valets and doormen; they also
serve as a constant reminder that they are, in fact, occupying places. The harried rich are forced to glimpse the commoners daily as they dart between chauffeured limos and chartered jets, designer cupcake in hand. Some glance awkwardly at the suit-less group, while others adopt the “hired
help” custom of spitting derisively in their general direction. Still others attempt to carry on as though the group is not there, only to have their morning runs tragically slowed by frequent collisions.
See ELITE, page 2
TSA To Offer Voluntary Cavity Searches BY DYLAN BLACKIE
Libyan rebels suffered losses last Thursday when a rebel-aligned bullet was mangled by the battle-hardened mind of former leader Moammar Gadhafi. The bullet, travelling at over 900 miles per hour, didn’t stand a chance against the steeled mind of the Colonel. “We were picking up pieces for hours,” one rebel stated, “By the time Gadhafi expelled it from his brain cavity, it was completely unrecognizable. I can’t imagine what its manufacturers will say when they see it.” “I can’t imagine how it was ever even alive,” a field medic who tended to the
bullet said. “It was just a mess of hot, twisted metal.” While this is the first time Gadhafi has been personally involved in the destruction of a bullet, over 50,000 bullets have been destroyed so far in the Libyan conflict, a fact that rebel Ayman el Sadik finds hard to take. “I know we’re fighting for our freedom, but every day I see bullet shards littering the streets, buried in walls or just left abandoned in piles to rust, and I have to wonder if it’s even worth it.” He paused to fire rounds at an enemy sniper and continued, “See? I didn’t even know their names.”
Staff Writer
O
n Thursday, John Pistole, the head of the Transportation Security Administration, announced in a press conference that it would begin implementing a new policy allowing air-travelers to participate in voluntary cavity searches. This will replace the agency’s former controversial policy of taking nude photographs of each traveler and compiling them on an online website, the now infamous packinglight.com. “If a traveler so chooses, he or she will be taken into a private side room, in which candles will be lit and Rod Stewart will be playing softly in the background,” Pistole stated. He continued to explain that the searches will proceed in the usual, customary manner for cavity searches to take place, meaning that the TSA agent on duty at the time will begin with either a foot or neck massage, and then offer the traveler some white wine, presumably a pinot blanc. “Following this, of course, the traveler will remove his or her clothes,” Pistole said. “The various cavities, or terminals, as they’re sometimes referred to by the TSA staff, will then be ventured into by the expertly trained TSA agents on duty at the time.” It is important to note that whether the TSA agents keep their clothes on during the
SURVEY: CAMPUS STREETLAMPS SECRETLY HATE YOU, EVERYONE
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
“What a convenient alternative to the dentist,” this man said. “I hope they don’t find any cavities.” process, or whether they are allowed to talk, is entirely up to the traveler being subjected to the search. Upon request, a paper bag can also be placed upon the TSA agent’s head. The policy is being implemented for the same reason as any other: to ensure a safe and comfortable travel experience for everyone traveling by air. However, one possible downside of the new policy is that it could create increase delays in the already snailpaced airport security lines, based on speculations that many travelers will want to volunteer for the searches.
“Actually,” Pistole stated in the press conference, “this policy has already been put into effect in several airports across the country, and so far the number of terroristrelated incidents on flights from those airports haven’t increased very much.” “Oh, but slower lines?” He added. “Yeah, much slower. Sorry about that.” One anonymous participant in the cavity searches said: “I really enjoy the new policy. I volunteer for the searches in order to feel safe and help everyone else feel safe and relaxed. Oh, and it
helps guarantee safety once you get on the actual flight too, I think.” Conversely, it has been mentioned by some critics of the policy that the voluntary cavity searches are just a clever marketing ploy by the airlines to get more people to buy tickets. However, the agency officials have reiterated that it is only a way to ensure safe air-travel. So far, the policy has been welcomed by most. Pistole concluded the press conference by saying, “I hope our policy gives you as much pleasure as it does us.”
FACEBALL SEASON COMES TO PAINFUL END
AREA PORK FOUND PORKING
Man with large wood takes one for the team.
Ham-fisted porno surprisingly tasteful.
A recent streetlamp survey conducted by UCSD Facilities and Maintenance returned disturbing results regarding the state of safety of the campus at night. Out of the 250 lamps on campus, over 90 percent reported that they viewed potential assault events as “exciting,” and 50 percent reported that they viewed students travelling at night with “extreme dislike.” Many lamps reported that they would deliberately turn off when students approached in order to induce fear of impending doom, and others reported flick-
ering repeatedly, enjoying the sight of undergraduates covering their eyes. “In La Jolla, our jobs are meaningless,” one lamp by the eucalyptus grove said. “Watching freshmen crap themselves is the only way I can get through the night.” Although the survey was primarily aimed at assessing the attitudes of campus street lamps, the singing tree also commented on the difficulty of working on campus at night. “When your primary purpose is to confuse drunk people and you’re at UCSD, well you don’t get much action.”
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION ATTEMPTS TO BREAK WORLD RECORDS In a follow-up to President Barack Obama’s announcement that he will be sending military forces to Uganda, he announced Monday that he has been secretly attempting to break the world record for most military occupations at one time. “I want to leave my mark,” Obama told reporters. “As of right now, the US Military is involved in nine campaigns. We’re still short of the Soviet’s record of 14, but believe me when I say that we’ve got a lot more freedom to spread. They beat us in the space race back in the 50s… they won’t beat us again.”
Many cabinet members are also attempting to leave their mark on history. Vice President Joe Biden has successfully broken the record for most cigarettes smoked at once, smashing the previous record of 159 with an impressive 428 cigarettes. Hilary Clinton has announced plans on attempting to break the record for causing most children to cry at once, and the Department of Education allocated 3.4 billion dollars in emergency funds to construct what will hopefully be the world’s largest rubber band ball.
See BRIEFS, page 11