The MQ Volume 18 Issue 2 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

October 26, 2011

“My face— I see it in the mirror when I wash it every morning. It’s an okay face.” — Christopher Walken

Easier to digest than candy corn. To hell with candy corn.

Nation’s Elite Victimized By Wall Street Occupation

Volume XVIII Issue II

IN THIS ISSUE R.E.M. BREAKS UP, WHITE PEOPLE 3 AFFECTED RECORD NUMBER OF STUDENTS STUDYING ABROAD IN SIXTH SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANCELL

5 6, 7

AREA SLUT TO DRESS AS PRUDE FOR HALLOWEEN NEW MACBOOK AIR MADE OF 78% NITROGEN, 21% OXYGEN

9 11

NEWS IN BRIEF GADHAFI MAIMS BULLET WITH SKULL PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“This is even more bothersome than finding a wine pairing for breakfast strudel,” this man said. “I can see why everyone is so upset.” BY CODY DONAHUE

Content Editor

ver a month into the “peaceful” Wall Street occupation, the targets of the protest – a small, marginalized minority referred to as the “one percent” – are finally speaking out about their experiences. “It’s been

terrible,” investment banker Ronald Lieberman said. “Yesterday, I had to park my own Bentley. I don’t think that dent is going to come out. I may have to buy another.” The thousands of protesters setting up camp around the nation haven’t only relieved the one percent of their valets and doormen; they also

serve as a constant reminder that they are, in fact, occupying places. The harried rich are forced to glimpse the commoners daily as they dart between chauffeured limos and chartered jets, designer cupcake in hand. Some glance awkwardly at the suit-less group, while others adopt the “hired

help” custom of spitting derisively in their general direction. Still others attempt to carry on as though the group is not there, only to have their morning runs tragically slowed by frequent collisions.

See ELITE, page 2

TSA To Offer Voluntary Cavity Searches BY DYLAN BLACKIE

Libyan rebels suffered losses last Thursday when a rebel-aligned bullet was mangled by the battle-hardened mind of former leader Moammar Gadhafi. The bullet, travelling at over 900 miles per hour, didn’t stand a chance against the steeled mind of the Colonel. “We were picking up pieces for hours,” one rebel stated, “By the time Gadhafi expelled it from his brain cavity, it was completely unrecognizable. I can’t imagine what its manufacturers will say when they see it.” “I can’t imagine how it was ever even alive,” a field medic who tended to the

bullet said. “It was just a mess of hot, twisted metal.” While this is the first time Gadhafi has been personally involved in the destruction of a bullet, over 50,000 bullets have been destroyed so far in the Libyan conflict, a fact that rebel Ayman el Sadik finds hard to take. “I know we’re fighting for our freedom, but every day I see bullet shards littering the streets, buried in walls or just left abandoned in piles to rust, and I have to wonder if it’s even worth it.” He paused to fire rounds at an enemy sniper and continued, “See? I didn’t even know their names.”

Staff Writer

n Thursday, John Pistole, the head of the Transportation Security Administration, announced in a press conference that it would begin implementing a new policy allowing air-travelers to participate in voluntary cavity searches. This will replace the agency’s former controversial policy of taking nude photographs of each traveler and compiling them on an online website, the now infamous packinglight.com. “If a traveler so chooses, he or she will be taken into a private side room, in which candles will be lit and Rod Stewart will be playing softly in the background,” Pistole stated. He continued to explain that the searches will proceed in the usual, customary manner for cavity searches to take place, meaning that the TSA agent on duty at the time will begin with either a foot or neck massage, and then offer the traveler some white wine, presumably a pinot blanc. “Following this, of course, the traveler will remove his or her clothes,” Pistole said. “The various cavities, or terminals, as they’re sometimes referred to by the TSA staff, will then be ventured into by the expertly trained TSA agents on duty at the time.” It is important to note that whether the TSA agents keep their clothes on during the

SURVEY: CAMPUS STREETLAMPS SECRETLY HATE YOU, EVERYONE

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“What a convenient alternative to the dentist,” this man said. “I hope they don’t find any cavities.” process, or whether they are allowed to talk, is entirely up to the traveler being subjected to the search. Upon request, a paper bag can also be placed upon the TSA agent’s head. The policy is being implemented for the same reason as any other: to ensure a safe and comfortable travel experience for everyone traveling by air. However, one possible downside of the new policy is that it could create increase delays in the already snailpaced airport security lines, based on speculations that many travelers will want to volunteer for the searches.

“Actually,” Pistole stated in the press conference, “this policy has already been put into effect in several airports across the country, and so far the number of terroristrelated incidents on flights from those airports haven’t increased very much.” “Oh, but slower lines?” He added. “Yeah, much slower. Sorry about that.” One anonymous participant in the cavity searches said: “I really enjoy the new policy. I volunteer for the searches in order to feel safe and help everyone else feel safe and relaxed. Oh, and it

helps guarantee safety once you get on the actual flight too, I think.” Conversely, it has been mentioned by some critics of the policy that the voluntary cavity searches are just a clever marketing ploy by the airlines to get more people to buy tickets. However, the agency officials have reiterated that it is only a way to ensure safe air-travel. So far, the policy has been welcomed by most. Pistole concluded the press conference by saying, “I hope our policy gives you as much pleasure as it does us.”

FACEBALL SEASON COMES TO PAINFUL END

AREA PORK FOUND PORKING

Man with large wood takes one for the team.

Ham-fisted porno surprisingly tasteful.

A recent streetlamp survey conducted by UCSD Facilities and Maintenance returned disturbing results regarding the state of safety of the campus at night. Out of the 250 lamps on campus, over 90 percent reported that they viewed potential assault events as “exciting,” and 50 percent reported that they viewed students travelling at night with “extreme dislike.” Many lamps reported that they would deliberately turn off when students approached in order to induce fear of impending doom, and others reported flick-

ering repeatedly, enjoying the sight of undergraduates covering their eyes. “In La Jolla, our jobs are meaningless,” one lamp by the eucalyptus grove said. “Watching freshmen crap themselves is the only way I can get through the night.” Although the survey was primarily aimed at assessing the attitudes of campus street lamps, the singing tree also commented on the difficulty of working on campus at night. “When your primary purpose is to confuse drunk people and you’re at UCSD, well you don’t get much action.”

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION ATTEMPTS TO BREAK WORLD RECORDS In a follow-up to President Barack Obama’s announcement that he will be sending military forces to Uganda, he announced Monday that he has been secretly attempting to break the world record for most military occupations at one time. “I want to leave my mark,” Obama told reporters. “As of right now, the US Military is involved in nine campaigns. We’re still short of the Soviet’s record of 14, but believe me when I say that we’ve got a lot more freedom to spread. They beat us in the space race back in the 50s… they won’t beat us again.”

Many cabinet members are also attempting to leave their mark on history. Vice President Joe Biden has successfully broken the record for most cigarettes smoked at once, smashing the previous record of 159 with an impressive 428 cigarettes. Hilary Clinton has announced plans on attempting to break the record for causing most children to cry at once, and the Department of Education allocated 3.4 billion dollars in emergency funds to construct what will hopefully be the world’s largest rubber band ball.

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

Researcher Finds The Meaning Of Life, Patents It

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Elite

“I just don’t know why they picked us,” Harvard graduate Blair Whuthers said during intermission at the Met. “I do have glasses and a pasty complexion. Maybe it’s like elementary school – they’re all just jealous of me.” What exactly the protesters want from the one percent is extremely unclear, leaving the elite in a seemingly endless cycle of oppression and confusion. “Yes, they did try to tell us their demands,” Fortune 500 CEO Richard Watkins said. “But I wasn’t about to talk to a homeless person.” For now, it seems the nation’s rich have only one option – wait it out. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” Watkins said from his beachside safe-chair in Aruba. “Right now, we’re really just getting by.” “Why yes,” he later added. “I could use some more sun-

screen on my inner thighs.” Those stuck in America have done their best to carry on. “All I take pleasure in anymore is checking NASDAQ,” New York resident Leighton Price said. “Also, I hear that those ‘Angry Birds’ are making a movie. So that’s something, I guess.” “Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed,” she added. “I discovered that my Egyptian cotton sheets have a thread count of 685, not 700! You just can’t rely on Indonesian sweatshops these days.” The elite generally frown upon public displays of feelings, which may be why the nation has yet to sympathize with their plight. In fact, Gallup polls indicate that a heartfelt plea might elicit an emotional response from the masses. “Of course,” pollster Betty Hanz said, “That response would be laughter.”

TOP FIFTEEN Similarities Between An Alcoholic And A Werewolf

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Lorlt and his lawyer-lover languidly lord over his life’s lofty labor. BY TOM LI

Staff Writer

ast week, while lost freshmen wandered around campus and fifth-year transfer students blearily stumbled in and out of the International House, worldrenowned chemist, industrial engineer, political scientist, and psychology professor Nicholas Lorlt, Ph.D., filed U.S. Patent number 6293874, entitled “Method For Deriving The Singular Definitively True Meaning Of Life.” Lorlt made a public announcement via Pitchfork News, and the response from philosophy majors and all other hipsters was immediate and overwhelming. “It’s, it’s, man, oh man, dude, it’s like I have no reason to live anymore, you know, man?” Rick Meyer, a despon-

dent philosophy and communications double major who was found by campus security pouring out his heart to the Talking Tree, said. “I mean, you like, spend all that time, you know, all that time, and all that weed and all those shrooms trying to find that answer, and man, let me tell you, shrooms, shrooms are expensive, man, and all the while when you’re looking you think, man, men have been looking for this for like, you know, fucking millennia, man, that’s like, 100… no… uhh...that’s like...a long time. Don’t look at me like that, I was never good at math.” Lorlt himself lives in a modest apartment in San Francisco, Calif., though until very recently he called the basement of his parents ‘ house home. His living con-

ditions aren’t the only thing that has changed. Before, he could be found sitting on various park benches perfecting his thinking pose, but now he prefers to spend time talking to high-level copyright lawyers to prepare for the expected lawsuits. “America is great,” he commented, as a team of lawyers brainstormed new items to add to Lorlt’s consultation. “I know there are dozens, perhaps even hundreds of people who were close,” Lorlt said. “These people gave me the inspiration I needed to complete my work and finally have the breakthrough all philosophers dream about, sometimes in a very lucid…or should I say, liquid manner.” “But now that I have discovered the meaning of life, I have no more need for any of these other hip…er, phi-

losophers,” he added. “And believe me, the meaning of life says nothing about not screwing over your former acquaintances.” Since his discovery, Lorlt has changed his lifestyle significantly. In the days following the announcement, eight schools have given him honorary diplomas, including Arizona State University, an award Lorlt remarked was “almost as useful as a bunch of firewood.” “Although,” he added, “Having credentials to point to is a great help for debates on the internet.” Since then, Lorlt has sold his car for 42 new Segways. “Wait, how did you find out about that?” He asked, surprised. “Oh well. Just make sure you don’t post that in any publication that people actually read.”

15. Really bad 5 o’clock shadow 14. Frequently wake up next to dead naked truckers 13. Always telling you that they’re going to change 12. Both have a weakness for silver bullets 11. Keep asking you for money 10. Your crazy religious uncle used to be one 9. Heightened sense of smell 8. Movies about them are always depressing, scary 7. You tell yourself it’s okay as long as you’re still in college 6. They have so much fun at parties 5. “It’s a disease, not a choice” 4. Interventions always end violently 3. Woefully undiagnosed in the 1800’s 2. Mass produced by Irish culture 1. Changed by moonshine

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Assistant Managing Editor......Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Cody Donahue Assistant Content Editor..................Jessi Carr Assistant Content Editor..................Zac Hann Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo

Social Editor............................Masha Sokolov Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Copy Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le MQ Dad.....................................Henry Becker Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Increasing entropy, decreasing lucidity. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2011 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor in Chief of the MQ. This turned out pretty well! We’ve got another issue under our belt. A fresh crop of newbies was broken in, and they didn’t even embarrass themselves. In all seriousness, I’ve got high expectations for the staff this year. We were really firing on all cylinders, and everyone should be commended for the work they did. Special commendations go out to Jeff and Robin for tag teaming the shit out of design. Thanks to Jessi, Zac, and Cody for being the content-producing powerhouses they always are. Thanks to Hannah for illustrating backpage, and Bora for his meticulous review of the graphics. Kudos to Josh for a swell job with copy, and Kevin for his assistance in all sorts of crap. Lastly, a special birthday shout-out to Alex and Cody. Finally 21. I’m envious, and can’t wait to join you. Cheers to you both!

Sam Bartleman Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Garrett Chan Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cait Cibulsky Cassidy Curl

Janine Davis Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Stephanie Fairbairn Alison Gilchrist Brooke Gorin Andrew Hansen Doran Joy Marina Karastamatis Kyle Koerber Tom Li

Josh Malkinson Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hilary Morefield Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Precious Nicanor Jeric Pereda Robert Pond Rebecca Rangel Penny Renard

Robin Richardson Ragtime Roastbeefy Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ben Steen Veena Vignale Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Booster Club Here come some thanks: Jeric for the Twix, Ryan for the Nilla Wafers, Robin for the cookies, Kevin for the chocolate, Jessi for the Starburst and cake and “icing”, Bora for the Redvines and soda, Rosa for juice, and Ariana for the veggies and soda. Thanks from the bottom of our stomachs.

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

Page 3

R.E.M. Breaks Up, White People Affected

POINT

Neutrinos Travel 730 Kilometers In Less Than 988 Nanoseconds! BY THOMAS ADAM

PHOTO BY ALEX DELANEY

Just imagine how upset they’ll be when they hear the news. BY JACK BEEGAN Staff Writer

fter 31 years together, alternative rock pioneers R.E.M. announced they were breaking up. The news hit fans hard, with flannel-clad mourners rushing to assemble in their local record stores, where they shared memories and argued over who had heard of the band first. “When I heard the news, I was shocked,” fan Craig Thompson said. “I was listening to NPR’s World Music Hour. I broke into tears and almost crashed my Prius. I immediately had to pull over and call my therapist.” No one expected the dire consequences of this cataclysmic event. “It’s the end of the world as I know it,” one fan cried, “and I don’t feel fine.” “I feel upset,” he later clarified. “Really, really upset.”

Others feel abandoned. Roving bands of recently disenfranchised white people have formed across America. Witnesses say they wander through towns, leaving nothing but liberal arts degrees and recommendations for where to get the best Indian food in their wake. City officials across the country have advised residents to leave their vintage clothing and Wes Anderson DVDs outside their homes in order to appease the rampaging white people. Amid riots, the city of Portland has issued a state of emergency. Gangs rule the city, building popular support through their control of thrift stores and bike shops. Emergency response teams have begun teaching firearm safety courses to the inexperienced gang members. “We found that these gangs, given their total lack of a violent

past, generally present more of a threat to themselves than anyone else,” volunteer Kim Harris said. FEMA has already instituted nationwide relief programs, responding to the disaster by distributing cardigans and Starbucks free music download cards to victims. There are, however, people who remain seemingly unaffected. “Who’s R.E.M.?” Allen Reed, a surprisingly black Portland resident, asked. “Oh yeah, the band with that song about the end of the world.” Countless non-white Americans react in a similar manner. One such man is San Diego native Frank Martinez. “Saturday,” Martinez said. “It was okay, nothing really notable. Kind of a boring day, really.” Many like him appear to go about their lives unaffected. “I think that people

who, uh, look, you know, not exactly like me can hide their pain better,” Grant Fleming, a student at Amherst College, who claims he took a sociology class once suggested. “Not that there’s anything wrong with them.” Some businesses have even profited in the aftermath of R.E.M.’s dissolution. Coffee shops are packed with confused white people looking for something to believe in. Microbreweries also report record numbers in the past weeks, as those affected attempt to drink away their pain while continuing to support independent businesses. White people now struggle to find another alternative-culture giant they can universally revere. “I don’t know what I’ll do in a world without R.E.M.,” fan Taylor Hart said. “Now, my health, high income, and safe neighborhood are all I have.”

Former Prisoners Find UCSD Housing Uncomfortable, Cramped

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

“For the love of God,” this former inmate screamed, “the showers here are even worse!” BY SAM BARTELMAN Staff Writer

n a controversial decision to meet the school’s budget, the University of California, San Diego has converted Tenaya residence hall into a halfway house to help ease recently paroled inmates back into society. However, for excons like Robert Jackman, the new accommodations have been anything but welcoming. “It just feels like 30 years of desperation has been breathed onto every surface in this building, an unending reminder of the futility

of life,” Jackman remarked. “And on top of that, it smells disgusting.” Nearly 95 percent of the new residents have filed complaints, causing the university to reconsider the decision. “The walls are just thick enough to let a little noise through, but not enough noise to actually go up and tell the dude upstairs to knock it off,” James Lucas, who had previously served a three year prison sentence for assault, said. “I think the person directly above me is learning to break-dance. It’s maddening. Was this place even designed for humans?”

Because the state of California spends five times more on prisoners than they do on students, most former inmates are not surprised by the complaints. “Back in prison we were treated like human beings,” John Michelson, a former corporate embezzler remarked. “Not squeezed into cracker boxes that make a cubicle look like the presidential suite at the Ritz-Carlton.” “But this place is like, what, some sort of military camp for wayward youth, right? The buildings are obviously intended to break spirits one day at a time with their

unrelenting walls and stagnant design. I feel repressed just sitting in here. Jeez, can we just go somewhere else for a bit? Or crack a window at least?” Ex-con Doug Saunders was also one of the many unsatisfied visitors. “Are you seeing these lumps?” Saunders asked while trying to flatten out his mattress. “It’s like someone went out of their way to ensure you stay up all night, listening to the insecurities in your own head gnaw you from the inside out during one of the most vulnerable times in your life.” Fortunately, not all of the new residents are completely unsatisfied with their stay. In order to help ease the adjustment, the university has provided 300 meal points to each resident, redeemable at any of UCSD’s six cafeterias. Jamie Harrison, formerly charged with petty theft and breaking and entering, enjoys the freedom. “The dining hall is really the only relief we get. Whenever I’m inside Tenaya it’s like I can feel myself inching closer to death, one moment at a time... moments I’ll never get back. “Like an unending downward spiral into meaningless nonexistence,” he added. “I’ve never regretted my life choices more than when lying on my back all night, feeling the push and pull of these walls. “And if that freshman keeps practicing ‘Smoke on the Water’ on his cheap acoustic at two in the morning, I swear to God I’m earning myself a life sentence.”

CERN Physicist

owza! Did you know that neutrinos can travel 730 kilometers in less than 988 nanoseconds?! That’s 1,773,185,466 miles per hour. Bam! I just did that in my head, and I didn’t even need to use the calculator built into the watch I designed myself. I am awesome! Suck it, Einstein. You know, most people don’t even know what neutrinos are — like those softies in biology and chemistry. But real scientists, like me, know that even though it’s the most weakly interacting subatomic particle, it can still pass through matter faster than a bullet with a mass approaching zero, in a vacuum. Did I just blow your mind? Because I motherfreakin’ just blew mine! You probably think being a porn star is the best job ever. Getting paid to have sex? Please. That’s about as exciting as cleaning the crust out of women’s toes at nail salons compared to my job. I mean

come on, nobody in their right mind would waste time getting fellatio when they could be finding flaws in the theory of special relativity, amirite? Think of all the things I could do if I was able to successfully pull off induced fission! Not only would I get a Nobel Prize, I would be so rich I literally make it rain in the club with dollar bills…hell, make that C-notes. I could buy the original slave Leia costume on Ebay, and finally get that laser therapy to fix my receding hairline. My website would be getting hits faster than an electron in an oscillating field particle accelerator!

COUNTERPOINT

I Wish You Lasted That Long In Bed BY MRS. ADAM

Disgruntled Wife

i. Remember me? Your wife? You know, being a nurse isn’t as glamorous as “Grey’s Anatomy” makes it look. I have to spend the whole day taking care of sick people, pretending to care, putting catheters into people’s happy places, and yet still manage look good in my scrubs. Damn, I am a boss. That’s hard work right there… more work then you put into the bedroom! Neutrino this, boson that. I don’t get what’s so sexy about particle physics, but then again I don’t have my head shoved so far up my ass about how great I think I am to get that delusional. Any normal man would think to himself, “Whoa! Here’s my wife in some sexy lingerie, there’s some Trey Songz playing in the background. Let’s get it on!” But noooo, that’s not you. It’s over before I even realize it starts! Dick Cheney has had erections that lasted longer than yours, sans Viagra. Frankly, when I come home after a hard day’s work,

I need some sexual release — lovin’ that lasts longer than the time I’m waiting for my Lean Cuisine to finish in the microwave. You’d think that after playing with the Large Hadron Collider all day, you’d be ready to do some collidin’ when we play. What will it take? Should I talk dirty to you? Hey there sexy, you’re like a circuit with no current or voltage… I know you can’t resist me. Eh? Eh? No? Nothing? Ah, to hell with it. I’m done trying. I’m going to go drink some Charles Shaw and read “Twilight.” Edward Cullen understands my needs, and he isn’t as half as pasty as you.

TOP TEN

Failed Advertising Slogans 10. Subway: Eat Flesh 9. I always drink beer 8. Got Silk? 7. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Yay, Taco Bell food! 6. Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is 5. University of Phoenix: rise from the ashes of financial comfort 4. Like a drunk neighbor puking on your carpet 3. Recommended by 1 out of 5 dentists 2. Burger King: We’re trying, okay? 1. Head-on: apply directly to the foreskin

Try not to picture your grandfather naked. The MQ. Halfdome Tuesday 6 p.m.

Page 4

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

Michele Bachmann Spends Entire 90 Minute Speech Crushing Bricks In Vise

Lady Gaga Steps Out In Sensible Cardigan, Fans Outraged

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“Yeah, well you’re all stupid sellouts, too,” Gaga said to her fans. fans for his relation to one BY JERIC PEREDA

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

“Oh, this is just the beginning,” Bachmann promised. “Medicare is next.” BY PÉNÉLOPE RENARD

Staff Writer

t a rally in New Hampshire last week, GOP Presidential hopeful Rep. Michele Bachmann, RMinn., stunned the crowd by spending the entirety of her 90 minutes allotted for speaking by placing a series of bricks into a table vise and slowly crushing them to a fine powder. The unusual performance, which was unexpected even for a candidate as outlandish as Bachmann, has already shaken up the race for the GOP nomination and energized Bachmann’s fanatical, home-hardware loving base. Attendee Gus Wheeler said, “It was quite a sight to see her crush all those bricks.

I tried doing it myself as soon as I got home and nope, I couldn’t do it.” According to eyewitness source Betty Stark, Bachmann said nothing during her grueling feat except the rare unintelligible grunt, and only paused from her brick pulverizing to gather larger, heavier bricks. “The way she stood on that stage, panting and moaning, beads of sweat dripping off her face and staining her fire-truckred suit jacket, eyes gleaming wildly, it was very inspiring. We need a leader that’s willing to fight through adversity.” Stark continued, “I mean, she just totally destroyed what must have been 300 pounds of bricks, easy. There were enough there to build a

moderately sized wood-fire pizza oven, but no, all gone, thanks to her.” Despite the unconventional nature of Bachmann’s accomplishment, several pundits have already begun praising her political genius. “Unlike her fellow candidates,” political analyst Jessica Croadbuckler said, “Bachmann seems to have finally realized that talking can only hurt her chances with Republican voters. She’s chosen to skip the boring, word-laden debates and instead focus on capturing the hearts of voters by showing her work-ethic in an incredibly trivial and meaningless way.” As of press time, commentators are still baffled as to why Bachmann chose to perform

this particular stunt, but nevertheless she has enjoyed a 15 point increase in polls. Eager to wrestle the spotlight from Bachmann, Governor Rick Perry, R-TX., has announced that he will spend his next fundraising dinner roping steers running rampant amongst the donor tables, and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has pledged to fit three packs of Bubblicious Blue Blowout Bubblegum in his mouth at one time. GOP standard-bearer and former governor Sarah Palin seemed pleased with the new campaign promises, calling them “appropriately arbitrary and unorthodox measures of determining the candidate most fit for governing the country.”

Plaza Café Now Serving Woodchips, Change Welcomed By Most BY KYLE SOMERS Staff Writer

ast Wednesday, Revelle’s Plaza Café began exclusively serving woodchips for dinner on select nights every week. The change was an instant improvement over the old menu, which consisted of brake fluid, failed organic chemistry research projects, and USDA grade D meat. Many Revelle residents are ecstatic about the recent change. Already, food poisoning cases have dropped 10 percent, while instances of amoeba-based illnesses have dropped 15 percent. Most impressively, complaints of post traumatic stress disorder decreased by nearly 90 percent, according to a Student Health Services study. Jake Barron, a Revelle student living in Argo Hall, was among the first in line to sample the new cuisine. “I’m very excited that Plaza is finally stepping up the quality of their food,” Barron said. “Last week when I was eating at Plaza, I watched as an alien burst out of another student’s chest. I’m hopeful that that’s going to happen less often with woodchip nights.” Kevin Ortiz, self-proclaimed sci-fi enthusiast and Revelle student, was thoroughly overjoyed to see the new menu, but did express nostalgia for the old poisonous byproducts. “Do you remember that scene in ‘Attack of the Killer Clowns from Outer Space,’” Ortiz asked, “when the protagonist found that the clowns were preserving the dismembered townspeople in cotton candy cocoons and

Staff Writer

op sensation Lady Gaga, known only for her unique fashion sense, caused uproar in the industry of daily life when she was seen walking out her house wearing only a sensible cardigan, cute shorts, and stylish boots last Sunday. “It’s a slap in the face,” selftitled Lord Yaya, former fan, said, “She’s supposed to be the voice of our generation.” “Who will be the role model for my children now?” One mother asked as she wrapped her daughter in raw bacon. “My child needs to be wearing only the hippest outfits. It’s the only way people can tell that I’m a good parent.” When asked how she feels about Gaga’s music, the concerned parent responded, “She sings?” Enraged fans around the world have gathered in San Francisco, Calif. and other locations to burn anything related to Lady Gaga. “They say a picture is worth 1000 song lyrics and that picture is all I need to see,” one ex-fan said, as he attempted to incinerate his laptop. “In the past I would get rid of her songs and buy them again in support of her, but now I think I’ll just get rid of them permanently.” “With Gaga wearing clothes like anyone else, she’s bound to be old news,” Glen Rossi, an infamous paparazzi, said from his tree. “There’s no point in taking her pictures anymore.” Rossi was later set on fire by

of Lady Gaga’s songs. What started as an expression of discontent over Gaga’s new choice in clothing has now spread like wildfire, as the fan-made wildfires literally spread across the world. Despite public outcry for relief, firemen, police, and world leaders claim to be too preoccupied by Lady Gaga’s fashion decision. “The fires will run out of fuel eventually,” The UN general counsel announced. “But the number of normal, socially acceptable outfits Lady Gaga could choose to wear is nearly infinite.” Lady Gaga was unavailable for comment, as her representative said that she was busy making her new tree outfit entirely out of bark, used chrysalises from recently hatched butterflies, and a portable tree house. Still, fans are wary to believe that Lady Gaga is returning to her roots. “Gaga has just been playing a love game with her fans and it ended up being a bad romance. In my eyes she is Judas,” ex-fan Alejandro proclaimed. Like Rossi, Alejandro was later set on fire. Police are still investigating the case, but have been unable to determine a motive. Only time will tell if Gaga will be able to salvage the singed remains of her music career. If record sales are any indication, the future may not burn so bright; Gaga’s latest album has already dropped dramatically from number one to number three.

TOP FIFTEEN

Reasons Not To Occupy Wall Street

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Students are less enthusiastic about Plaza’s new mandatory smiling policy. eating their slightly liquefied innards through fun-straws? Plaza food was kind of like that. But no complaints about woodchips.” The decision to serve woodchips was a long and tedious one. Head chef, Albert “Slippery Al” Potter, went through various recipes trying to find one that was both economically practical and mostly palatable. For a while it seemed that the new menu item would be a mixture of industrial-strength drain cleaners and vacuum bag contents, but the cafe has received several restraining orders from the campus custodians.

However, the major change is only possible due to cuts in other areas. The sound system, which usually plays music during meals, will be sold so that overworked Revelle students can enjoy their meals in an empty, awkward silence. In addition, some of the other non-essential comforts such as chairs, tables, and the drink machine will also be sold later this month in order to pay for high-grade woodchips. Even as Revelle students now eagerly flock to dinner for woodchip salads and woodchip soup, some are not content with the menu change. “I realize that this is a step in the right direc-

tion,” one student noted,” but Plaza Café desperately needs to serve real food. In the late 1990s, Canyon Vista had a phase kinda like this one, in which unused cat litter was served. But now their menu has advanced to an amorphous sludge that tastes almost exactly like food. “ This sentiment is felt by many of the Plaza Café patrons, but most are still happy to see such a vast improvement in food despite the state’s budget cuts. “Now stomaching the food at Revelle is almost as easy as completing my GEs,” Barron happily proclaimed between bites of his woodchip and dog food sandwich.

15. Too busy on your yacht 14. New York gets cold 13. It’s week four, and you have to study for midterms 12. Your boss won’t give you any time off 11. Allergic to police beatings and pepper spray 10. Not sure what you would demand 9. You have other duties as the President of the United States 8. You work on Wall Street, and need to keep business and personal life separate 7. Really into vertical power structure 6. It’s outside your ankle monitor radius 5. You hate poor people 4. All in all, you’re just another brick in the wall 3. Occupy Broadway is more FABULOUS! 2. Because there are starving children in Africa 1. Already occupied

theMQ.com

October 26, 2011

Record Number Of Students Studying Abroad In Sixth College

This student realizes that his map has led him to absolutely the last university he wanted to attend. BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

his year has been a record-breaking year for UCSD students studying abroad. Among the most popular destinations are Hong Kong University in China, University of Mexico in Mexico, The American University of Paris in France, and Sixth College in La Jolla. “I almost chose Peru,” Sixth student Marie Jones said, “But I decided it would be a good resume-booster to have somewhere more exotic. I think it makes me look very cosmopolitan.” The rising number of students choosing to study in Sixth College for a quarter or more has been attributed to the “cultural experience” of its educational, recreational, and culinary traditions. “I’ve never had so much pizza in my life!” student Jessica Armada said. “It’s really

the only thing they do here. Sometimes they have sandwiches, but I don’t recommend them.” However, students expressed concerns that the long commute to classes every day has reduced the amount of time spent in lectures. Sixth College, renowned for its isolated and peaceful setting, lacks an integrated transportation system and many students make grueling treks twice a day just to be counted on attendance sheets. Even more concerns have been broached concerning the living conditions of students. “I thought I knew what I was in for when I decided to study abroad,” Marcos Garcia said. “But this is much worse than the brochure. They promised me running water!” Provost Jim Lin argues that the rustic element of the dorms and apartments add to the overall feel of the school. He has often been heard criticizing attempts at moderni-

zation, stressing that the exotic nature of Sixth is a major attraction for many looking for escapist locations. “People come here to get away from the hustle and bustle of larger universities like UCSD. We offer a more laid back atmosphere, complete with all the accoutrements of hippy living. The R.A.s don’t do much knocking around here, if you know what I mean.” Of course, like most Third World countries in today’s modern age, Sixth has seen some changes as the technology era has encroached on its peaceful regions. Soon after installing its first automatic door, Sixth College celebrated the momentous occasion by declaring itself the “Technology College.” It has since instituted a program called “Culture, Art, and Technology.” “Last year we didn’t have computers,” native Sixth citizen Juriannollulo Machiatto

POINT

You Had To Be There BY DEREK BLAKE

Not Funny

kay, so, you know the Price Center? Yeah, the one with all the restaurants. Yeah, so I went there with all the guys after I.M. football to chow down on some B.K. And we were just chilling and ranting about the latest “Jersey Shore” episode. Did you see that last episode where “the Situation” got into a fight? That was the best! Anyway, so Tommy took all these ketchup packets, and then he threw them on the ground and then this girl walked by! You know...what’s her face? The blonde one with the Uggs. Hot damn Delta Gamm! She’s always wearing booty shorts and the bright pink tank tops. Oh come on, I know you know her! Well then, maybe you don’t know her. Anyway, man, it was such a classic. It’s like, look at ketchup girl, you know? Ketchup girl! Why aren’t you laughing? Is there something wrong with your throat? Did you

just get your tonsils out? That must hurt, let me get you some ice cream. What? No, your tonsils are clearly not fine, or you’d be laughing right now. It’s not that funny? What do you mean, “It’s not that funny?” It was like, the third funniest thing that’s ever happened in either of our lives. And that’s including the time that Raul forgot to bring condoms to the dentist... have I told you that story? Okay, okay, fine! I won’t tell you that story. Yes, it’s funny too! You know what, I guess you just had to be there.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

said, “But now we try to cater more for the student crowd. Last month we got our first fax machine! And pagers, man, how cool are they?” The newest development in Sixth College will be the addition of newly trained translators, hired to help bridge the language barrier between incoming students and tenured professors. “Most of the professors spoke English at some point,” Junior Brad Lambert said, “But living here for so long, they’ve started to forget their native language and pick up Six-ese.” The Programs Abroad Office has predicted a general rise in students studying abroad, and most Sixth College natives expressed hopes that their small community would soon be a vacation hotspot for mainlanders as well as students. “Please visit us,” Lambert said. “We’re so lonely. So alone, so very alone.”

Saudi Arabian Women Allowed To Golf Starting In 2016 BY PAUL ZHENG Staff Writer

fter years of campaigning for equal rights, women in Saudi Arabia will soon be allowed to golf, following a decree passed last Friday. Saudi Arabian women are already starting to plan for the first female golf tournament in 2016. For now, however, they have had trouble trying to practice at driving ranges, as royal decree prevent women from participating in any type of driving, with or without a vehicle. The “restricted practice organizations in designated, private facilities” that legal texts explicated upon in 10 pages of obscure writing in this royal ruling essentially limits wives and daughters to joining the family fun on Wii nights for now — but only in Wii Golf. Women will still not be allowed to carry clubs, Wii controllers, or anything suggestive of golf in public. On occasion, friends will be allowed to join together to play at each other’s home. This shift in cultural paradigm means that wives will now bring their controllers, as well as their best dinner dishes. Window blinds must be closed when women are playing in order to keep their actions private, and husbands must be in possession of the controller until the home is entered and the door bolted. Any violations to these regulations that local authorities discover could lead to punishments. “Just trust me on this,” one official said. “There’s nothing worse than people playing Wii Golf in public.”

Page 5

COUNTERPOINT

I Went There, And Frankly, It’s Still Not Funny BY SANDRA LOPEZ Girlfriend

kay baby, I know you think you’re funny and all, but listen: I went to this “Price Center” place, and I looked all over, and I just gotta tell you, I’m still not laughing. The Jesus guy on the way in was kind of funny, but I don’t think that’s what you were talking about. Maybe this is just one of those things, you know, like how you clip your toenails at the dinner table when my parents come to visit. What I’m saying is, you need to stop doing this. You’re right, I just don’t understand you. I’m just never going to get why you crack up every time Chad says noodles. I shouldn’t be the only one in this relationship who doesn’t get a boner when your friends come over. Yes, baby, I know you’re not actually gay for your friends, I’m just saying, what about me? This relationship isn’t going to

work out if I have to haul ass all over town every time you try to make me laugh. What happened to the chicken and the egg? Isn’t that good enough? Oh, yeah, I guess I do mean the chicken and the road. Yes, because the gum was stuck to his foot. No, I don’t know why the watermelon crossed the road. Okay, new rule, you just can’t have fun without me. That sounds fair, doesn’t it? What do you mean, am I serious? Of course I’m serious! You’re the one who keeps making all these bad jokes!

TOP TEN

Unfulfilled Wishes Of Moammar Gadhafi

PHOTO BY MARINA KARASTAMATIS AND CAITLIN CARNAHAN

This woman installed a large mural and AstroTurf in her house to really get a feel for the Wii Sports. Of course, news of the real effect of this ruling quickly spread throughout Saudi Arabia. Local Best Buys report record sales in Wii Golf games and Wii consoles, despite the five-year gap between the passing and enactment of the law. Still, many express concern for the new law. For instance, the word fore in Arabic sounds the same as

the word for fire, which could cause domestic alarm. In addition, women may feel more reason to wear skirts, polo shirts, and other revealing clothing while playing, which men fear is far too suggestive. “Women are also known to have terrible temperaments,” one analyst said. “We cannot let angry women wield Wiimotes. Who knows what battery cases may arise.”

As to the womens’ civil rights movement, protesters are divided between those practicing their swing with families and those who see partipation in the sports as a placation to the real goals in mind. But until 2016, angry members of the latter division will only be allowed to practice for their violent, golf club-swinging rampages.

10. That he’d had real guards, not just super models 9. That people knew how to spell his name 8. To no longer live in the ass-crack of humanity 7. That he’d live to see the iPhone 5 6. “I wish for three more wishes” 5. To eat one last home-cooked meal 4. That bullets were marshmallows 3. To finally lose that freshman 15 2. That he’d treated his people better 1. That he had but one more life to give to his country

Remember that one time? Neither do we. The MQ. Halfdome Tuesday 6 p.m.

Page 6

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

So You Think You Ca Welcome to “So You Think You Can Chancell,” the show where you, the viewer, have absolutely no input! I’m your host, Sparky Oceanridge, and the rumors about my third nipple are all true. Better get started. That new chancellor’s not going to appoint itself – or is it?

Chanc

Now, let’s meet the contestants. The absolute best candidates we could convince to appear on this show, they’re sure to wow you with their chancelling prowess.

Swimsuit Competition

“Yeah, remember the chancellor? I totally hit that.” Fun Facts: - Puts his pants on two legs at a time. - Up to 10 times larger than a red cell. - Once ate his entire weight in raisins. Interview: Sparky: A mediocre organic chemistry teacher, Jim spends most of his time outside of the classroom, tending to his award-winning wife. Jim, tell us why you’re running for chancellor. Whitesell: I guess I just have a hyper-competitive marriage. Also, we’re not quite ready to start paying for our own house. FOX 2012! … I mean, Whitesell. Sparky: Very... interesting. So, what’s the first thing you’d change at UCSD? Whitesell: I’d turn the office temperature back up from sub zero. Makes it hard to do the chancelling, if you know what I mean. Sparky: No. Any thoughts on the budget? Whitesell: Uhh... [pause] … [to wife] Marye? Sparky: Well, there you have it!

We contes to chanc evaluated in acti exc

“I need your tuition, your soul, and the next four to seven years of your life.” Fun Facts: - Has three illegitimate children at UCSD. - Wears only body paint on Sundays. - Lifts weights occasionally. “Refusing to say Mark Yudof’s name only adds to his power.” Fun Facts: - Gains a name every time he is reincarnated. - Enjoys long walks on the beach. - His wand isn’t the only thing that’s 11 inches... Interview: Sparky: Dumble, dumble, dumbly dumbly Dumbledore. Teach us something, please. This latest candidate is back from the dead, looking for another school to call his own! Tell us, Albus, why do you want to be chancellor? Dumbledore: I was just looking for a place where I’d finally be safe from Minerva McGonagall’s awkward advances. Sparky: Man after my own heart! So, what’s the first change you’d make? Dumbledore: The decor. No, I jest. I suppose I’d fix this grading system by assigning an arbitrary amount of units at the end of each quarter. Sparky: As it should be. Now, what about the budget? Dumbledore: Ah, with a flick of my wand, I shall whimsically transform the annual budget into taffy. I’m sure it will stretch to cover all expenses. Sparky: Now that’s some mad chancelling!

Interview: Sparky: You know him, you love him, his name is ridiculously hard to spell. A famous actor and recently famous adulterer, Arnold has a winning smile and an MFA from Yale drama. Arnold, why join this mediocre race? Arnold: I said I’d be back. Sparky: Succinct. Confusing. So, let’s talk about changes. What does the future hold? Arnold: This is a school full of girly-men. They need to go to the gym. I would fix that. Sparky: Oh, that’ll be a popular stance. Most importantly, what’s up with the budget? Arnold: You see, the government of Cahlhiforhnia hasn’t given enough money to the school. The previous administration balanced the budget very poorly, and now the university is suffering. Sparky: ….

Jud

The Pompous The Und British Asshole

theMQ.com

October 26, 2011

A surprise crossover with the wildly popular show “Mountain Lions!” Will they survive three days in a shark cage with wild mountain lions?!

ell

Challenges

dges

dergrad

Interview: Sparky: They’re gray, they’re bland, they’re driven mainly by shareholder interest! Genericorp is out to privatize public education for the sake of pure profit! But tell us, Genericorp- by the way, can I call you Genni?- are there any other reasons that interest you in running? Genericorp: I am hoping to streamline the synergy of the community in a green, sustainable movement that encapsulates wind and solar energy in the biofeedback loop. Children are the future. And no. Sparky: Amazing. If you win this chancellorship, what is the first change you’ll make? Genericorp: Our CFO has stated that by simply outsourcing all students to India, we could minimize our expenses while maximizing fourth quarter profits and earning high dividends. Sparky: Sounds like an excellent plan. What ideas and improvements do you have for the current school budget? Genericorp: By converting units to shares of our university and selling shares to students at a base price of $2000 a share, the budget will not only be expanded, but students can finally claim that ownership of the university that they are always demanding. Sparky: How executive!

The She-Judge

In a heartfelt attempt to win the hearts of the Generation Y crowd, the candidates bring back this Nickelodeon favorite.

Watch as the contestants get practice killing hopes and dreams.

Possibly the most important skill in a chancellor’s arsenal – seductive snack time.

The contest wouldn’t be complete without just a little bit of backstabbing.

Will any of the contestants be able to stay awake during a 30 minute budget meeting? Tune in to find out!

e’ve introduced our stants, but their ability cell a university can’t be d until we’ve seen them ion. Don’t miss these citing challenges!

“Studies show that people like it when we care.” Fun Facts: - Established October 2011 by merger of Genopsitech and Parasolcorp. - Twelfth largest San Diego employer. - Doesn’t believe in “fun.”

Page 7

“You can take a student to class, but you can’t make her learn.” Fun Facts: - Grass, roots candidate. - First cousins with Sarah Jessica Parker. - Dressed up as two men for Halloween. Interview: Sparky: She’s got an impressive track record and two legs up on the competition! The only equine candidate, this horse (of some sort) brings a real whinnying spirit to the race. So, why is she running? Horse: I’m sorry. I just got a little spooked. Sparky: Not a problem. Anyway, you’re young and you’re fun. What’s the first thing you’d change about the school? Horse: I think I’d start with allowing horses to be on campus. Sparky: A good start indeed. Now, what’s your view on the budget? Horse: We need to decrease short-sighted budget cuts in order to ensure the long-term viability of our institutional infrastructure. Sparky: That’s a risky strategy, let’s hope it pays off.

Confession Cam “I’m not proud of everything in my past. I was in college, I needed to pay off my loans somehow. People just don’t understand.”

“UCSD braucht einen Fuchs nicht mehr, aber eine Hündin.” Fun Facts: -Can’t stop, addicted to the shindig. - Has never lost a game of Twister. - Still being stalked by George W. Bush. Interview: Sparky: The only contestant who has chancelled before, Merkel’s looking strong in this competition. I mean, those muscles! Angela, why are you running, and what are you doing later? Merkel: I am not sure I understand the question. Sparky: As well you should. But the real question is, what’s the first thing – or person – you’d do at UCSD? Merkel: I would replace this weak water with some hearty Bavarian Weißbier. Sparky: Let’s get you some of those drinks now! But wait, one last question: what do you think about the budget? Merkel: Yes, the budget should be almost enough to pay for weekly flights to and from my German castle. Sparky: I agree wholeheartedly.

“I’m really just here to unite Arnold’s Austria with my Germany, if you get my drift.”

“This is going to make a great sequel to ‘Kindergarten Cop.’”

Page 8

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

Michele Bachmann Ironically Elected By Ironic Plurality

Bachmann’s victory is largely due to her endorsement by the Civil War Facial Hair Reenactment Society BY HENRY BECKER

MQ Dad

he nation was astounded at its own decision last week when it voted to put Rep. Michele Bachman, R-Minn., into the White House, placing her in charge of the world’s largest economy and over 5,000 nuclear warheads. In its defense, America responded by saying, “I didn’t think it would actually happen.” Americans polled across the political spectrum expressed surprise and dismay when they learned that somehow, they had all thought of the funny idea of voting for Bachmann at the same time. Some Americans reported that they thought it would be a “hoot” to elect Bachmann. Others continue

to believe it never happened at all, and many respondents replied by saying, “Really? No way. Nah, really?” “Yeah, sure Bachmann is going to be president,” Penny Cheng, mother of three, had to say. “And what else, I guess Bigfoot is going to be her vice president, huh? Shit, I guess I didn’t even realize there was an election.” To President-elect Bachmann, this state of shock is an important issue because, as she said, “I can’t presidate if no one believes in me. “It’s my dream to return the nation to the way it was in 1789, crippled by massive amounts of debt, social inequality, and no infrastructure, just the way the founding fathers intended it,” Bachmann added. “But I can’t do it if people insist on living in a First

World country.” Since the election, Bachmann has launched a nationwide publicity campaign in the hopes that someone, somewhere will actually treat her as the Commander in Chief. To a crowd of skeptics in Tulsa, Okla., Bachmann held up a poster of the election results, pointed at the results, pointed at herself and said, “Come on, come on, I know one of you guys thought it was a good idea at the time. “Alright, I know no one saw this coming,” Bachmann said after a moment of silence. “But really, you have no one to blame but yourselves, and God. You’re not alone in this one — I’m pretty sure God didn’t want this to happen either.” According to UCSD pro-

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

fessor of history, Bic Scraggles, the election is unique in that it marks the first time an office-holder was elected solely for the sake of irony. “The last time anything like this happened was 2000, when Florida voted for Flava Flav, but then Flava decided it would be awesome to give his votes to Bush as a joke,” Scraggles said. “When it comes to Bachmann, I suspect everyone will have a good laugh for a week and then hold a real election.” For now though, the Bachmann transition team is focused on drafting legislation for the coming congressional session, including a bill Bachmann is tentatively calling the “Guns for Kids Act” and the eventual deportation of all Democrats from the US.

Professor Misuses Oxford Comma, Students Remain Oblivious

POINT

Sex Isn’t Everything BY EMMA DRYWON Militant Asexual

ociety tries to trick us into thinking that we want sex, that sex is an “innate biological desire.” Don’t be brainwashed! It’s an unnecessary, utterly meaningless activity. In our culture, it takes a little willpower, but you can overcome it. You just need to recognize your psychological dependence, devise appropriate punishments for bad behavior, and constantly remind yourself that you’re nothing but a weak failure. People ask me if I regret not having relationships, but I tell them that a really meaningful bond is only hurt by sexual indulgence. I myself have been lucky enough to find a wonderful litter of cats to share my life with, and our relationship is 100 percent platonic. Not thinking about them sexually allows me to concentrate on their real needs: feeding them, organizing their cat food on the shelves, keeping them from leaving the house, and repeatedly checking that they’re still neutered and spayed. “What about children?” I’m often asked. I fully intend on

raising a child one day, a boy, and I hope I can teach him about the benefits of an asexual lifestyle before he’s swallowed up by our culture. I want to distance him from it early — a natural birth is a bad start. I think the streamlined, sterile walls of a test-tube would be a better introduction. Growing up with a pair of sexually active parents is the worst possible environment for his impressionable mind. Sex is just a distraction. By forcing it out of your thoughts, you can devote your mind to the more important things: washing the dishes, checking that your apartment door is still locked, and updating your blog with a list of things to alternatives to having sex.

COUNTERPOINT

You’ve Got It All Wrong! BY RICHARD WONG

Professional Canyon Yodeler

t’s sad to see that so many people today, like you, don’t see sex for what it really is — Everything. Just look at all the names we have for sex: basketweaving, fiddling, paying the plumber, sowing oats, and, in some unfortunate cases, threading the needle. What’s more likely, that it’s just coincidence that each of these activities is inherently sexual, or that sex is, in fact, compatible with any human activity imaginable? I have tried each of these activities with and without sex, and let me tell you, weaving baskets is infinitely more tedious without it. Sex isn’t everything, you say? Sexsexsexsexsex, sexsexsex Sex sexsexsex sexsex sexsexsexsexsexsex. Sex was every single letter in that last sentence. In the language of the North American clan, who use sex as both a medium of communication and of exchange,

that translates into: “Sorry, but I beg to differ.” Sex manifests in everything that is and everything that happens. Electricity? Sex between a plug and a socket. Sunlight? Sexual fusion of hydrogen nuclei. Mitosis? You think bacteria multiply just for the hell of it? Have you ever watched them do the divvy under a microscope? Hopefully, this conversation will be the seminal experience that lets you re-evaluate your ideas. It was certainly seminal for me.

TOP TEN

Reasons The Fire Alarm In Tenaya Hall Just Went Off

PHOTO KYLE KOERBER

This student puts the “coma” in comma. BY JOSH MALKINSON Staff Writer

uring a lecture in Center Hall last Thursday, Tyrone Hopwood, professor of literatures in English at the University of California, San Diego, misplaced a superfluous Oxford comma while writing on the blackboard. Not one of the students was aware at the time, but all the evidence indicates that Hopwood has been severely shaken by the event. According to a sobbing Hopwood, after realizing his mistake, “The Oxford is a prime mover in the world of punctuation: better known than the Cambridge comma, more refined than the Harvard comma, and more shapely than the New Jersey comma,

thanks in large part to an excellent dot-to-tail ratio.” The mishap was made doubly embarrassing by Hopwood’s position as head of a research group breaking ground in education theory. The team is hoping to find a way of teaching students what an Oxford comma is without the using groceries and foodstuffs. Hopwood is also a widely known figure in the campus community due to his willingness to speak out on political issues of the day. When a prominent figure in the Republican Party recently announced that they would reverse the economic downturn through “the disenfranchisement of immigrants, atheists, queers, and the unemployed,” Hopwood was swift with a rebuttal.

“This is outrageous,” he exclaimed at a rally in August, “it should be ‘queers and the unemployed.’ The comma just isn’t needed.” In a meeting with his department head on Friday morning, Hopwood offered his resignation, but was told that it was unnecessary. He repeated the offer and it was restated that “no, really, it was not a problem, and could [he] please leave the office now.” Hopwood has scheduled a press conference for Wednesday next week, having booked the Mandeville auditorium and notified journalists and film crews from all local and most national news networks. He hopes to be able to put the matter to rest by explaining the personal circumstances behind the grievous error and publicly apologizing for

any effect it may have had on students. Even the most optimistic commentators in the field do not expect a turnout of greater than three, with more cautious observers suggesting a maximum of two, including Hopwood himself. Opinions have been varied around the university. “Sorry, Oxford who?” one engineering major said. “You mean like the Vampire Weekend song, right?” graduate student Kelly Ismail replied when asked her thoughts on the matter. It is thought that heated discussion of the issue will continue over the coming months on two obscure internet forums and one niche journal of correct English usage, published bi-annually and available in some mediocre bookstores... and nowhere else.

10. Fun was being had somewhere 9. To save you from getting laid 8. You have to use it or lose it 7. Because wake up time is at 5 a.m., maggots 6. Actually, that’s just dubstep 5. It’s very sensitive, okay? Be nice 4. “My roommate said he could sleep through anything” 3. You’re honestly too stupid to use a microwave 2. Because the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire 1. There was an actual fire Take Notes Here:

theMQ.com

October 26, 2011

Page 9

Area Slut To Dress As Prude For Halloween

Dozens Dead In Cantaloupe Stampede

BY JESSI CARR

Assistant Content Editor

n a costume shopping trip with her sorority sisters last Saturday, Pi Phi pledge Tiffany Waters proudly announced over Facebook that she plans on attending her sorority’s annual Halloween bash dressed as a sexy prude to accompany her fellow sisters’ costumes of sexy nerd, sexy grandma, sexy plumber, sexy air traffic controller, and sexy flying squirrel. Fellow Pi Phi sisters appear to be slightly confused about the origins of Waters’ costume, as she had previously discussed joining various group costumes, including sexy Village People and sexy Aerosmith. “Sexy nurses, maids, and bumblebees are so 2000’s,” Waters explained while thumbing through racks at a Pacific Beach thrift store looking for the perfect pair of stained sweatpants to complete her costume, “Look at this XXL long-sleeved Bob Dylan tour shirt! This would be perfect. Bob Dylan is sexy, right?” In order to provide as much accuracy to her costume as possible, Waters spent hours reading issues of Cosmopolitan to determine what men found most attractive in a female, and found it “totally hard to figure out how to adapt the classic smoky eye and red lipstick into something that a virgin would wear to a party.” Ultimately, she decided upon bedhead and no makeup to accompany the costume, based on a survey in the April 2009 issue that said 47 percent of men found a natural look sexy, and the

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Due to Simba’s untimely death, he and Nala can’t elope. BY COREY BREIER Staff Writer

A PHOTO BY AVI KABANI

“Her outfit was totally inappropriate,” sorority sister Tara Logan said. “I would never associate with someone dressed like that.” fact that prudes probably wouldn’t wear any makeup anyway. Eventually, after hours of shopping, Waters found her ideal components, including a pair of stained men’s sweatpants, an oversized pink flannel button up, and Ugg boots. “Of course I can’t forget my Uggs,” she squealed on the phone to roommate Amber Hernandez. “Who says that prudes can’t still be totally cute too?” When Hernandez expressed her concern that,

despite Waters’ better judgment, her outfit and makeup were not sexy at all and in fact legitimately prudish, Waters giggled and went on to explain that under her costume she planned on wearing ripped fishnets, a black garter belt, and a red Victoria’s Secret push-up bra in order to keep her costume as sexy as possible, claiming that she would never actually dress like a real prude in public. As news of Waters’ costume spread, other sorority members raced to find simi-

lar costumes in order to compete with her trend-setting, including Brittani Smith, who rushed out to purchase items for her prudish slut costume. “I really feel like I’m dressing up as someone else this year for Halloween,” Smith gushed, “Instead of wearing my normal five-inch heels, I found a pair of super cute four-inch heels, and my skirt this year is totally going to actually cover my ass. It’s so great to be able to live someone else’s life one night a year.”

Call Of Duty Fans Outraged Over News Of More ‘Halo’ Games

CoD fans express disappointment about poor selection of fish available for smacking “Halo.” BY ROSA CHO Staff Writer

pon hearing the release of “Halo 4” and the highly anticipated “Halo: Combat Evolved 10th Anniversary,” protesting “Call of Duty” fans took to the streets in a fit of collective rage to express their long-standing disdain for the rival videogame series. Many of them see this unexpected comeback as a threat to the anticipated arrival of “Modern Warfare 3,” even though the new “Halo” games have yet to have a release date. “I thought it was supposed to be over with ‘Reach,’” a protestor who would rather be known by his username tr0llzoR117 said. “But no, those cash-sucking money-cocks keep bringing it back for more! Hell, it’s going to be the ‘Star Wars’ prequels of Xbox!”

“I never asked for this,” another protestor, IC4RUS, said. “The world may not be ending, but you can see the end from here. It looks like yet another overblown franchise turning into an industry whore.” While these fans are mostly found in the vicinity of their living rooms, they decided to donate hours to protest the release, hours that would have normally been spent making 100+ killstreaks and crushing noobs in “Black Ops”. A massive crowd of 23 people gathered together to march outside of the San Diego convention center and wave posters with angry, anti-“Halo” slogans while yelling incoherently at the empty building. “Yo, it’s 343’s big moment and I’m happy for them,” an anonymous protestor cried, “But ‘Modern Warfare 3’ is going to destroy ‘Halo 4’ and beat ‘Halo Anniversary’s’

ass to the floor. Nothing can beat the sheer epic levels of ‘Modern Warfare!’ HALO IS CoD’s BITCH!” Though some “Halo” fans occasionally went up to the angry crowd to argue fruitlessly with the protestors, many just shook their heads and walked by. “Sure, ‘Call of Duty’ is an enjoyable game and all,” Steve Dones, a “Halo” fan, said “But seriously, those overprivileged man-children really need to get a hold of themselves and stop thinking that CoD is the king of all games. ‘Halo’ kick-started the Xbox and CoD is just eye-candy for Michael Bay fanboys.” While many, like Dones, are eagerly looking forward to the release of “Halo: Anniversary,” there are still some fans that aren’t as excited about the release of the new games. “I was cool with ‘Reach’ because it made up for ODST, that disaster of a sequel,” Jen

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

Tyler said, “But I don’t know how cool I’ll be with ‘Halo: Anniversary.’ I mean, why would I want to shell out 60 bucks for a game I already played when I was 12? It all looks the same except it’s shinier and bereft of the wondrously glitchy and beautiful poorly-rendered eyesore of my youth!” When asked about her opinion of the protest, Jen merely shrugged and said, “So what?” The demonstrations continued for several hours until the protesters, tired of standing, decided to retreat back to their dorms and basements. “The war ain’t over until we say it’s over” tr0llzoR117 said, in his final words to the gathered crowd. “We’re going to continue our effort to diss the new ‘Halo’ games where the true battlefields are: CoD online multi-player and YouTube.”

n unknown source spooked the cantaloupe section of the Ralphs in La Jolla Village last Saturday, causing the melons to stampede west, leaving behind a bloody trail of bodies and confused survivors. “Nobody saw this coming” Richard Merriwinkle, a cantaloupologist on the scene said. “Most people tend to relax around cantaloupes because of their round, nonthreatening shape and mellow demeanor. As a result they let their guard down, something that doesn’t often happen around, say, pineapples, because the public doesn’t feel safe around such a spiky, hard exterior.” “However,” he added, “when clustered in high enough numbers, cantaloupes are far more dangerous due to their herd mentality and momentum.” As of now, it is still unclear what caused the stampede, but there are several predominant theories. Belligerent broccoli, possibly still resentful towards the peaceful melons for their superior taste, could have been motivated to startle the normally docile creatures. Other possibilities include the sight of a customer cutting a cantaloupe in front of the aisle, the noisy infant the aisle over, or the cumulative discomfort garnered from watching thousands of obviously underage students attempting to look 21-yearolds. The cantaloupes’ destructive path took them westward, with their route following the hill down towards La Jolla Shores. This incline caused the already panicked melons to increase their speed and with it, their lethality. The frightened fruit barreled down the hill, wreaking extensive damage upon property and person before ending up in the Pacific Ocean. Luckily for some residents, their elaborate pillars and decorations absorbed much of the damage, preventing further loss of life. Although the carnage has

ended, final casualty numbers are yet to be released. They are estimated to be in the high 30s, as it was a popular Saturday for shopping. In addition, the melons’ meandering path caused deaths in a wide swath of land, leaving bodies to be discovered. Any reports of bodies with “that weird nobbly texture” imprinted on them are being referred to the San Diego Police Department. Undoubtedly some residents perished needlessly after word of the stampede caught on. Some misheard warnings of a pending “antelope stampede,” and thus did not take sufficient precautionary measures. As a recent public service announcement noted, cantaloupe stampedes usually require mandatory evacuation, while antelope stampedes are easily weathered by simple barricades. “This is a mistake that doesn’t have to be repeated,” one public official said. “It’s a simple solution, people: know your ‘lopes! The carnage need not be in vain. We can learn from the folly of others, and tread carefully around ‘lopes of any type, whether small, round, and nonthreatening, or large, horned, and ferocious.” The public has already taken this sentiment to heart. Ralphs is even considering the addition of new runaway cantaloupe ramps that provide a path of least resistance for the spooked melons, while simultaneously diverting the creatures away from property and persons. Others have called for a redoubling of efforts to educate the populace about the dangers of both cantaloupes and antelopes, with comprehensive testing included to be sure residents can accurately identify which type of threat they are dealing with, even in times of danger. Citizens have been urged to take these steps to help prevent further bloodshed: practice constant vigilance in areas melons are known to frequent, do not make loud noises or sudden movements around them, and never, ever turn one’s back on a cantaloupe.

TOP TEN

Ways UCSD Is Like A Cruise Ship 10. All-inclusive, pre-paid dining 9. No good activities 8. It’s really hard to get off 7. You’re there a lot longer than you planned 6. You think you’ll have a really good time, but you just end up staying inside and reading 5. Tiny living quarters 4. Piracy is frowned upon, but profitable 3. Overpriced gift shop 2. Frequent whale sightings 1. Complete waste of money

Page 10

October 26, 2011

theMQ.com

UCSD Freshmen Railroaded Into Lame Engineering Major

POINT

Hey Man, Could You Please Take Me To The Hospital? BY MELVIN PRAZINSKY

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

Despite initial disappointment, the new major has since seen giant enrollment increase. BY RYAN GIBBS AND JOSH MARXEN Staff Writers

espite the lack of advertising, the Jacobs School of Engineering’s newest engineering major enticed nearly a third of the incoming class to sign up for it. Faculty members say that the program focuses on the theory and technique of locomotive operation and maintenance. Selena Wong, who declared herself as an engineering major, has said of the program,“Wait… What? This isn’t just a general engineering major?” “The Jacobs School has been long overdue for a traditional engineering major,” recently elected chair of the department, Ray L. Spikes said. “Since the removal of the siege engineering major in the late 1870s, the core values of engineering have become remote from their original purposes.” Initial enthusiasm for the program among freshmen derailed when students re-

ceived their class lists for the fall quarter. Recommended classes for incoming freshmen include MUS 32W – Train Whistle Theory and Appreciation, PHYS 152C – Conductors, and TDGE 26L – Public Speaking and Train Departure Announcement Lab. “So UCSD finally hopped on the gravy train?” conductor and San Diego State University alumni Albert Clutts commented. “It was just a matter of time, really. They can only cut so much of the humanities budget. SDSU did the same thing a couple years ago.” “Time to start looking for another job, I guess,” he continued. “All of us SDSU grads should just pack up and leave now.” Engineering majors are particularly annoyed by the new physical training requirements, in which students practice running the engine, pulling the brake, and shoveling coal. Responding to claims that most of these activities are outdated and irrelevant for modern train conduction, instructor Leroy

Glick clarified, “Oh, we really just wanted a good TRAINing course.” “Right?” Glick added. “A TRAINing course, get it?” With so many unwitting new members, the department is already starting to impact the campus. Physics graduate students are conducting experiments at the Theoretical Relativity and Interdimensional Negativity Laboratory where engineering majors are helping replicate Einstein’s mirrors-on-trains experiments. Particularly ambitious students are independently designing a train capable of carrying pedestrians up Peterson Hill and Voigt Drive. The department’s crowning achievement thus far has been the solution to the notorious traveling salesman problem. “It’s simple!” researcher Bob Vaius said. “The quickest way to visit all cities in an unordered group of cities is to use trains to commute between them!” The discovery shot down the “planes” theory of salesman travel, previously considered the fastest.

“I was particularly suspicious when all my math homework was based on two trains leaving Boston and New York at varying times and velocities,” Wong said. “Also, the syllabus said that any grade would be calculated with the protractor in the front of the class.” Upon attempting to change majors, students found that they were stuck on their current track with nowhere to go but forwards. Darren Coate, freshman, reflected on what it would be like to have a successful, well-paying career, sighing, “That train left the station a long time ago.” When asked what he’ll do next, he replied, “Just keep chugging along, I suppose.” Engineers at University of California San Diego have gotten tired of playing caboose to the biology majors, so it seems only time will tell whether or not this new train of thought for the Jacobs School will build up a good head of steam or lead to one of the greatest train wrecks in recent UCSD history.

Republicans Start ‘Gays For Homophobia’ Campaign BY KEVIN QUIROLO AND JOSHUA BIDWELL

know this is the third time this week I’ve asked you, but this time I’m sure I have all the early symptoms of mad cow disease. It’s a good thing we started studying it in my epidemiology course or I might not have noticed my increased anxiety, insomnia, and awkwardness. If I manage to survive I’ll definitely have to thank the professor for saving my life. Wow, this is such bad timing! I just managed to get over my bout of H1N1 and hay fever in time for fall quarter. Well, at the very least, I’ve decided to use it to my advantage and write my final paper on how I’m a miracle of modern science. Even though I’ve never actually received any treatment or medications for my illnesses, it seems the tests were enough to cure me. I know that if the government gets wind of this information they’ll want to

harness my blood for some kind of super-soldier program. I’m a brave man, though. Just because I got HIV the last time my blood was taken doesn’t mean I shouldn’t tell the world. Wow, did you hear that tangent? I must be getting really disoriented, so if you could hurry it up that would be great. We still have to stop at the grocery store on the way there; you know how the hospital food aggravates my irritable bowel syndrome. Hmm, what’s that sound? Oh God, I turned around so fast I think I just had a stroke.

COUNTERPOINT

Relax. It’s Probably Just Herpes. BY CLINT JONES Apathetic

kay. This has got to stop. You are seriously interfering with my beer pong tournament training! It should be a requirement that hypochondriacs have their own damn cars. So no, I can’t drive you! I’ve had a few drinks and I think a car accident is slightly more likely to kill you than an imaginary disease. And mad cow disease, really? That’s so 1987. You couldn’t have picked up something a little sexier? There’s a reason I made you watch “Breaking Bad.” Malcolm’s dad got 10 times more attractive after getting lung cancer. If you’re going to convince yourself to have a disease, it might as well be one that can get you laid. And possibly me, by association. I admit, this is partly my fault. I never should have

never have taken you to see “Contagion.” Julie said it was awkward making out next to you because you sobbed hysterically every time someone said “virus”. I forgive you for that one, she was a butterface, but when this shit interrupts my drinking that’s when we have to hold an intervention. Don’t worry, I’ll come visit if they throw you in the psych ward. They probably have better food than the dining halls anyway.

TOP TEN

Distribution Captain and Copy Editor

Signs Your Pet Has Amnesia

arlier this week, a group of prominent conservative politicians announced the foundation of a new movement designed to secure more votes for the upcoming Republican primaries. The movement, dubbed “Gays for Homophobia,” aims to increase enthusiasm for republican politics in the homosexual community, a group who have historically felt alienated by anti-gay rhetoric. “The aim of this movement is simple. In recent years, the GOP hasn’t done well with the homosexual crowd,” Rep. Rick Santorum, R-Penn., a Republican presidential hopeful told reporters. “This is a key demographic of voters who are almost entirely supportive of the Democratic Party. We thought we’d try to give ourselves the edge by getting homosexuals involved in conservative politics in an area that they can personally relate to.” “Finally, a movement which reconciles the contradictions of my party.” Jefferson Bennett, vice president of the marketing division of ExxonMobil and prominent gay supporter of the movement, said. “For too long, we have been ashamed and closeted for our homophobia and allowed other conservatives to bear the burden of traditional family values.” Since joining the movement, Bennett has abandoned his long-term partner

Hypochondriac

The inaugural meeting of “Gays for Homophobia.” Not pictured: gays. of 10 years, signed over all custody of his two adopted children, and is now in what he fondly describes as a “bitter and loveless” marriage with a woman named Susan. Since its founding, the movement has received hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations and approximately 10,000 new members, 10 of whom are openly gay. Upon being asked as to why so many members of a gay movement are straight, an anonymous member said, “What? Can’t a totally straight bachelor join in a political organization for a gay cause without his motives being questioned by everybody?” Many analysts say that the success of the movement

may rest on members of the homosexual community who believe that President Barack Obama has broken his promise to make gay issues an important part of his agenda. Pepper Robinson, member of the movement and confirmed homosexual man said: “I don’t mean to reinforce any stereotypes about gay men being bitchy, but it’s been three years since [Obama] was elected, and gay marriage is still illegal in my home state of California. At least that Michele Bachmann spends a lot of her spare time with a gay man.” The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, a group that defends the basic human rights of homosexuals, released a statement condemn-

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

ing the group as homophobic. In response Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., prominent organization member and Republican presidential candidate, stated: “‘Gays for Homophobia’ is not a hateful organization. We accept everyone in our crusade to defend healthy, traditional, heterosexual, not-gay matrimony against the unholy, sinful abomination that is gay marriage.” “Furthermore,” she added, “we defend the universal right of all Americans to be openly homophobic.” “I really hope this takes off. I’ve always wanted more gays to get involved with conservative politics,” Bennett said. “We’d really bring new life into that drab place.”

10. Eats food, throws up, eats it again 9. Tells you the same story three times in a row 8.Keeps bringing the ball back 7. Constantly repeats same one syllable sound 6. Doesn’t believe your lies 5.Still thinks it can get somewhere on its exercise wheel 4.Your parrot tells you, “I can’t remember who I am” 3. Constantly barks up wrong tree 2. Won’t stay lost 1. Still loves you, even though you beat it

The MQ is in a relationship with Your Mom

www.facebook.com/UCSDMQ The MQ. Halfdome Tuesday 6 p.m.

theMQ.com

October 26, 2011

Page 11

Children To Receive Life Insurance Policies Instead Of Vaccines

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“This will kill the pain... of being a parent,” nurse Smith said. BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Assistant Graphics Editor

n the face of America’s economic recession, families have begun to seek unconventional means of generating household income. A standout from the usual prostitution and cock fighting, taking out life insurance policies on children in lieu of vaccination provides a lowrisk, high-reward situation for parents struggling to make ends meet. Prior reasons for shunning vaccination – an apparent risk of autism and the threat of overwhelming a young immune system – have all but been abandoned. Some traditionalists still stick to these tried and true methods of child neglect, but their numbers have shrunk as they convert to the new reasoning for non-vaccination.

“It was only recently that I learned my life insurance provider had no minimum age for a life insurance policy. Looking for any way to make ends meet, and inspired by a Jenny McCarthy interview on the TV, I realized that I could profit from my children’s weak immune systems,” Carolyn Hogancamp, founder of the Pro-Life, Pro-Death Movement, stated. Responding to seemingly exponential growth of the new-wave of the anti-vaccine movement, life insurance companies have made attempts to curtail likely losses by limiting the number of children that can be covered under one family, and by only covering less popular diseases. “It’s unfortunate that life insurance companies had to react this way, it really is,” Hogancamp said. “I originally had no idea what I was going to do with my extra children,

but I’ve decided that their survival will simply let them pay it forward to me when they too have kids.” Since the restrictions by insurance companies don’t take effect until the end of next year, couples have stepped up the intensity – and fertility drugs – associated with their lovemaking. Others have taken less traditional steps to ensure pregnancy. “Sure, I’ve rekindled my romance with my husband,” Hogancamp remarked. “But eventually you get sick of it. I’ve managed to find a fantastic use for the old turkey baster that was collecting dust in the kitchen.” While countless couples have been busy exploiting the new get-rich-quick market, the movement has had unforeseen adverse effects. Among the hardest hit, the condom industry has resorted to forceful and penetrat-

ing advertisement to boost its sharply declining sales. In addition, many fear the payout will not be swift enough. “The easy part is making a few phone calls to get the insurance. What they failed to mention was how to get your kids sick, since most of America is vaccinated,” Molly Shulman, a suburban housewife, commmented, “I really need to be able to cash in on one of my policies soon if I want to expand my walkin closet.” “The children can’t tell now, and probably won’t be able to for the next few months of their lives, hopefully, but I do what I do out of love. If there was any other way to sustain this family through these difficult times, I would very possibly consider it,” Hogancamp remarked. “If only my parents had shown the same amount of love for my siblings.”

BRIEFS: NOW 33% MORE BRIEF LABORATORY CONFIDENT IN ITS RESULTS: “NO NEED TO VERIFY” Yesterday, a San Diego laboratory made a scientific breakthrough in an undisclosed field. Although the research has been described by the lab as “stunning”, “awe-inspiring,” and “shita-brick-ulous,” the lab has decided not to share its discovery with the rest of the scientific community. “We’ve decided that our experiment was so wellconducted, there can be no doubt in the results,” principle investigator Eugene Ang said. “Instead of submitting it for review, we’ll just go ahead and take our Nobel Prize money now.” When asked about the greater significance of the results, the lab was confident that it could apply its findings to such areas as rockets, dinosaurs, and other awesome things. “Seriously, we could make robots,” Ang said. “Or, you know, feed Africa or something.”

JOKE ABOUT SKYSCRAPER WORKS ON MANY LEVELS New York City has been abuzz this week with a multilayered joke that originated in the Empire State Building. The joke was first told by an intern near a water cooler

on the 61st floor, and later repeated on the 43rd and 12th floors, where it was found that the joke was ubiquitously affective. By 2 p.m., the joke had spread to the inboxes of nearly all of the employees in the famous landmark, as each person who received it invariably forwarded it to all of their contacts. By the end of the day, dozens of Empire State Building workers reported receiving emails with as many as 21 levels of forwarding. By the end of the day the joke had taken over all 102 of the floors, and workers from dozens of departments were visiting the 61st-floor intern who had created the joke, bringing him gifts of Trident Layers gum. An IT worker who had been playing World of Warcraft during work hours first heard the joke when his character was at level 50, reported that the joke was still circulating, and still funny, by the time he had reached level 53.

The shortage affects all on-campus housing, as the borrowed knobs were picked at random. Officials claim “doorknobs will be returned to original owners as soon as we can find the bitch who ran off with our down payment – and the diamonds that were supposed to be embedded in the knobs. Untill then, sit tight. It’s not like you have a choice.” While many are oblivious and a few are outraged, one student hopes the knob will never come back. “I may be stuck here,” she said, “but my slutty roommate got locked out! Now she has to go somewhere else to have sex! If I’m at the desk studying, it is NOT a good time to have sex... on the bed over my head.”

DOORKNOB SHORTAGE TRAPS STUDENTS IN ROOMS, SOME NOTICE

Into Lohan’s 60th hour of her 120 hours of community service – which she has spent working a morgue – anonymous sources report that Lohan has found several thousand pounds of addicting drugs. This could be an explanation as to why Lohan has been working nonstop since the start of her service. Her family reports that this is the most work she has done since starring in “The Parent Trap.” Current morgue manager Gretchen Wieners said, “Lindsay’s enthusiasm for the job is so fetch.” Others have also been inspired by Lohan’s dedication. The number of

Last week, Housing and Dining experienced a shortage of doorknobs while opening a new housing building. To fill the building, which no one will actually live in, doorknobs were taken from current students’ rooms. “Without knobs,” HDH representative Susan Turner said, “the new building cannot officially open its doors.”

LINDSAY LOHAN GETS ADDICTED TO COMMUNITY SERVICE

registered body donors had increased tenfold in the past 60 hours. “I’d much rather have that first year med student learn to remove my appendix, liver, and heart than have Lohan give me a cavity search,” Larry King said. Lindsay’s fourth psychiatrist is reportedly very excited about the reports. “It appears that Lohan’s addiction has finally stopped affecting the living,” she said. “Talk about success!”

SCIENCE TURNS AWKWARD INTO MAGIC Graduate student and researcher Joseph Harding recently discovered a breakthrough new particle created from awkward situations. The new particle, dubbed the “hardon” after its discoverer, can be harnessed to generate a small amount of electricity upon any awkward situation. While the energy produced is small, the massive number of awkward occurrences at UCSD has led to the construction of a viable generator that promises to provide enough electricity to power the entire western hemisphere. “I first discovered the particle as I attempted to open the door for a female I met on my way to the restroom. As she stared oddly at me holding the men’s restroom door open, I felt an unexpected warmth,” Harding recalls of his first experience detecting the presence of hardons. Research is on the rise at CERN’s recently erected Large Hardon Collider, and firm scientific results are expected to ensue.

New Apple Macbook Air Made Of 78 Percent Nitrogen, 21 Percent Oxygen

Steve Jobs presents the new Macbook Air. BY ADIL MISTRY Staff Writer

ollowing the tragic loss of visionary Apple Inc. founder Steve Jobs, consumers can find solace in his final gift to the world. Apple recently unveiled the latest generation of the popular Macbook Air series, a computer tailor made to work on the cloud and lighter than other Macbooks. The revolutionary device was first unveiled during Apple CEO Tim Cook’s latest keynote speech, and left the audience in awe. “It was like nothing I had seen before, but was strangely familiar,” one audience member explained. “Like it had somehow been all around me all this time.” At the unveiling, Cook was the only one who could see the nebulous laptop. “And now I am watching a YouTube video. There are cats on the screen. One of them just flew into space while defecating a rainbow after turning into a PopTart. Beautiful,” he described. “Clearly, the sky’s the limit.” While Apple has not released the full details of the new device, a company spokesman stated that it is approximately 78 percent nitrogen and 21 percent oxygen, with the final percent to remain a secret. It is colorless, weightless, and apparently en-

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

vironmentally friendly. A departure from previous models, the new Macbook Air comes in two sizes, a quarter and half a liter. Like its predecessors, it lacks an internal disk drive, and weighs next to nothing. The new portable laptop has been stripped of all other features to reduce its weight dramatically, but Apple insists that it still boasts everything most Apple customers need for their day-to-day bragging. “We’ve designed the new Macbook with our users in mind, offering unique programs such as ‘Air Guitar’ and ‘Air Drums’ to complement everything you can do in Garageband,” Cook said. Best of all, there is no risk of infection from malware or viruses. The latest Macbook Air is also built for and of the cloud. “Everything you do on the Macbook is already up in the air, it’s all in the cloud,” Cook explained. Indeed, the new laptop has no internal storage of its own. “I’m definitely wary to buy a Macbook Air,” PC user Bryan Boyd said. “As a PC person, I just don’t want to give up certain comforts, like internal storage and off-putting aesthetics.” Nevertheless, throngs of die-hard Apple customers have already preordered the device. It seems the public agrees with the new company motto: “You simply cannot live without Air.”

TOP TEN

Reasons To Watch Fox News 10. Need a reason to be scared 9. You’re 65 and alone 8. Just wanted to make sure that global warming is still not happening 7.Thought it was about foxes 6. You like your news fair and balanced to the right 5. To be more prepared for “Daily Show” viewing 4. Fox News drinking game 3. For the unbiased weather reports 2. They say laughter is the best medicine 1. You were beginning to regain your faith in humanity

More than a paper. Less than a tree.

The MQ. Halfdome Tuesday 6 p.m.

Door

MiddleAged Student

The only one who will talk to hot girl

Question Kid

Probably the TA

Sleeping with TA

The Bermuda Triangle

Drool Zone

Ass-Kisser Alley

Ejection seat

When working in lab Chemicals don’t make me sick If I wear goggles

Sleeping

Fun fact: 87 percent of students don’t know their TA’s name.

You will never Make your parents happy Refrigerate

Wow. Just, wow. Your attention to detail and obsession with rainbows leads us to believe that you will never get laid. What is wrong with you?

Slippers You wouldn’t go to class barefoot.

Sun Chips bag Passive aggressively competing with the TA for attention.

Adderall In case the Ritalin wears off.

Duct tape Maybe the TA’s into that.

Red chalk So you can correct the TA.

Your notes are picturesque. Too bad you dropped out of art school to take this shitty class. Just remember to use words on the test, and you’ll be able to this class.

Textbook-shaped pillow The pages are softer to turn.

Student says : My nihilist TA let us have discussion outside while it was hailing.

Machete You’re really protective of your seat.

Sockpuppet Helps with the crippling social anxiety.

Pipe Goes with your giant mustache.

Sunglasses Want the TA to think you’re cool.

Section: A Discussion

Student says: Sometimes I dislike discussion so much, I spell it ‘disgust-ion.

The noble gases Fun fact: Sit so lonely at the end 2 out of 3 With their f illed up shells UCSD students would intervene if they saw a drunk Endothermic takes person being led All your energy away into discussion. Just like last girlfriend

If it is continuous Plug in a to x

Fun fact: Despite being called discussion, usually only one person talks. Lim of f of x

Hot girl (Possibly a blow-up doll)

You’re a creative soul. While most people take down notes about what’s happening in class, you capture the essence: you’re going to be fucked on the midterm.

Low bladder capacity

Splash Zone

TA orbital

Not sure what this is

Key

October 26, 2011 theMQ.com Page 12