THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
November 30, 2011
“The fact that I am the dad is the most surprising thing.” — Justin Bieber
Teen Starlet
Keeping you warm in those harsh winter months.
2000 Year Old Buildings Still More Stable Than Greek Government
Volume XVIII Issue III
IN THIS ISSUE CAL POLICEMAN BREAKS BATON, STUDENT
3
OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON WAR
5
HOLIDAYS ON A BUDGET
8,9
ASK THE DRAG QUEEN NEXT DOOR
11
ANONYMOUS HACKS DOWN CHRISTMAS TREE
15
NEWS IN BRIEF HOUSE ON ROOFTOP, APPARENTLY PHOTO BY BEN STEEN
Thankfully, ancient Greeks had the foresight to install anti-looter incendiary devices. BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor
D
espite nearly two millenia of looting, earthquakes, and fires, the stately buildings of ancient Greece have proven themselves more reliable than the government of the country, which has been
plagued by riots, a debt crisis, and an inability to explain why its people eat things other than baklava. The new Prime Minister Lucas Papademos was quick to point out the importance of a relationship between the government of its country and its buildings. “We must be strong. We must be tall. We
must put lovely people inside of us.” he said. Although the Papademos Administration passed a parliamentary vote of confidence, ordinary citizens are not so optimistic about the government’s longevity. “When a pillar collapses and falls down a bunch of stairs, it’s awesome,” one teenage tourist said. “But
when some old guy does? Lame-o.” “I don’t know how much I can trust the Greek politicians,” tourist Maria Stolichnaya said while at the Temple of Apollo. “The country’s colossal debt and parliament’s
See GREECE, page 2
Black Friday Crowds Shatter Records, Music Industry Struggling To Recover
piece have been overwhelmingly tepid. Sixth College Sophomore David Burke reports that the 1.3 million dollar feat of engineering ingenuity is “pretty cool, I guess.” Tiffany Chen, a Junior from Muir, said the 70,000-pound structure jutting precariously from the 100 foot precipice was “A fun idea.” “I like the color,” Chen said. “Sky blue is nice.” When reached for comment about the second art piece installed in Jacob’s School of Engineering, Dean Frieder Seible replied, “Second? Art? Oh, cool! Those boulders look like a bear!”
PIZZA NOW A VEGETABLE, ACTIVISTS FIGHT FOR PIZZA’S RIGHT TO LIFE
BY JESSI CARR
Associate Content Editor
T
housands of record label employees grieved this past Friday after hearing that millions of CDs and commemorative vinyl records were destroyed in the postThanksgiving shopping rush. Eager shoppers across the nation inadvertently knocked down and trampled rack upon rack of albums in attempts to make it to as many store’s sales as possible before 7 a.m. “We deeply regret to announce the loss of over 250,000 Beyonce records, 175,000 copies of ‘Animal’ by Ke$ha, and countless others as a casualty of the Black Friday Massacre of 2011,” Doug Morris, head of Sony Music Entertainment, said in a press conference on Monday, “Our thoughts go out to the families of our employees who will be getting their salaries cut in order to recoup our losses, especially during this difficult holiday season.” This is not the first time that such a tragedy has occurred; the first recorded instance of substantial merchandise loss was in 1968, when thousands of copies of The Beatles’ “White Album” were crushed by shoppers attempting to purchase discount KitchenAid mixers for friends and family. In recent years, the problem has become more prevalent
F
or the last few weeks, some students have reported seeing “some crazy ‘Wizard of Oz’ shit” on the top of EBU 1 in Warren. “Fallen Star,” the brainchild of Korean artist Do Ho Suh, is the newest piece in the Stuart Art Collection, which is regarded by some as the most impressive art collection in the entirety the University of California, San Diego campus. It joins the ranks such acclaimed art compositions as “Plain Looking Drinking Fountain” and “Some Granite Blocks Near a Soccer Field.” Student responses to the
F
ollowing the House of Representatives’ bill that upheld pizza’s status as a vegetable for the federal school meals program, a storm of controversy has erupted over the issue of pizza’s right to life. Protesters have staged massive demonstrations outside public schools, demanding pizza be allowed to live. “In its vegetative state, pizza can’t talk and there’s conflicting evidence about whether or not it would like to be unfrozen,” spokesperson for the activist group Pizza for Life Karen Greer said. “And we let it PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
The music industry has not suffered such horrific losses since the advent of CD burning. as crowd sizes are increasing along with retailer’s desires to place eye-catching displays along the aisle ways to the electronic departments, which are perpetually located in the back of the store. Many shoppers disregard these displays, seeing them only as obstacles on their way to eternal shopping glory. Some stores have begun to hire security guards to direct shoppers around displays instead of through them. However, their presence only
LAW ENFORCEMENT ABUZZ OVER PRANK Police plan sting operation to catch perpetrator.
serves to minimize losses, not prevent them. “With a guard in our store this year, our reports of casualties remained on par with those from last year,” Jim Alexander, a Chicago, Ill. Walmart manager, said, “However, with all the pressure on us from corporate to have 15 percent more displays than last year, I guess you could call that a win in our books.” Others are equally unworried about the broken records.
“Yes, I was in the crowd,” Janice Estrada, a Black Friday shopper present at a San Francisco Target where over 4,000 records were broken by shoppers, said, “Was there the chance that I’m at least partially responsible for this loss? Absolutely. But if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” “And I wasn’t about to let it be someone else,” she added. “Not when I just saved $20 on stocking stuffers for my grandbabies!”
SAFARI PARTICIPANT MOUNTS ELEPHANT Tourists go along for the ride.
U YOUR OWN
be eaten by our children?” Pizza for Life also emphasized that it is an activist organization that opposes the new legislation and not a pizza fan club. Others disagree, arguing that pizza has the right to die. Humane Treatment of Pizza, a group that supports euthanasia of Pizza, released a statement. “If I were manhandled by a factory worker, drowned in grease, and frozen, I would want to a way out, even if that way out was digestion by a morbidly obese fifth grader.”
See BRIEFS, page 15
MQ’sV
Start ADVENTURE Here
Y
our name is Nancy. You’re a hotshot young detective itching to make your next kill – you mean, bust – when you get in a cab. It’s a normal type of cab, yellow and such. Before long, you find yourself nodding off to sleep. And that’s where our story begins. You wake up in Sweden. You don’t know how you know it’s Sweden, you just do. Telepathy. The first thing you do is worriedly reach between your legs. “Thank god,” you sigh. Your trusty inner-thigh-holstered shotgun is still there. The rest of your belongings are not. “Glad att se dig äntligen vaknade,” the cab driver says. You blink. He may be the only ally you have left in the world. It’s time for decisions; you know Americans aren’t taken well in this part of the world. Do you risk answering in English? Or do you pretend you speak Swedish instead?
If you speak English, turn to page 5B If you speak Swedish, turn to page 4B