The MQ Volume 18 Issue 3 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

November 30, 2011

“The fact that I am the dad is the most surprising thing.” — Justin Bieber

Teen Starlet

Keeping you warm in those harsh winter months.

2000 Year Old Buildings Still More Stable Than Greek Government

Volume XVIII Issue III

IN THIS ISSUE CAL POLICEMAN BREAKS BATON, STUDENT

OBAMA DECLARES WAR ON WAR

HOLIDAYS ON A BUDGET

8,9

ASK THE DRAG QUEEN NEXT DOOR

ANONYMOUS HACKS DOWN CHRISTMAS TREE

NEWS IN BRIEF HOUSE ON ROOFTOP, APPARENTLY PHOTO BY BEN STEEN

Thankfully, ancient Greeks had the foresight to install anti-looter incendiary devices. BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor

espite nearly two millenia of looting, earthquakes, and fires, the stately buildings of ancient Greece have proven themselves more reliable than the government of the country, which has been

plagued by riots, a debt crisis, and an inability to explain why its people eat things other than baklava. The new Prime Minister Lucas Papademos was quick to point out the importance of a relationship between the government of its country and its buildings. “We must be strong. We must be tall. We

must put lovely people inside of us.” he said. Although the Papademos Administration passed a parliamentary vote of confidence, ordinary citizens are not so optimistic about the government’s longevity. “When a pillar collapses and falls down a bunch of stairs, it’s awesome,” one teenage tourist said. “But

when some old guy does? Lame-o.” “I don’t know how much I can trust the Greek politicians,” tourist Maria Stolichnaya said while at the Temple of Apollo. “The country’s colossal debt and parliament’s

See GREECE, page 2

Black Friday Crowds Shatter Records, Music Industry Struggling To Recover

piece have been overwhelmingly tepid. Sixth College Sophomore David Burke reports that the 1.3 million dollar feat of engineering ingenuity is “pretty cool, I guess.” Tiffany Chen, a Junior from Muir, said the 70,000-pound structure jutting precariously from the 100 foot precipice was “A fun idea.” “I like the color,” Chen said. “Sky blue is nice.” When reached for comment about the second art piece installed in Jacob’s School of Engineering, Dean Frieder Seible replied, “Second? Art? Oh, cool! Those boulders look like a bear!”

PIZZA NOW A VEGETABLE, ACTIVISTS FIGHT FOR PIZZA’S RIGHT TO LIFE

BY JESSI CARR

Associate Content Editor

housands of record label employees grieved this past Friday after hearing that millions of CDs and commemorative vinyl records were destroyed in the postThanksgiving shopping rush. Eager shoppers across the nation inadvertently knocked down and trampled rack upon rack of albums in attempts to make it to as many store’s sales as possible before 7 a.m. “We deeply regret to announce the loss of over 250,000 Beyonce records, 175,000 copies of ‘Animal’ by Ke$ha, and countless others as a casualty of the Black Friday Massacre of 2011,” Doug Morris, head of Sony Music Entertainment, said in a press conference on Monday, “Our thoughts go out to the families of our employees who will be getting their salaries cut in order to recoup our losses, especially during this difficult holiday season.” This is not the first time that such a tragedy has occurred; the first recorded instance of substantial merchandise loss was in 1968, when thousands of copies of The Beatles’ “White Album” were crushed by shoppers attempting to purchase discount KitchenAid mixers for friends and family. In recent years, the problem has become more prevalent

or the last few weeks, some students have reported seeing “some crazy ‘Wizard of Oz’ shit” on the top of EBU 1 in Warren. “Fallen Star,” the brainchild of Korean artist Do Ho Suh, is the newest piece in the Stuart Art Collection, which is regarded by some as the most impressive art collection in the entirety the University of California, San Diego campus. It joins the ranks such acclaimed art compositions as “Plain Looking Drinking Fountain” and “Some Granite Blocks Near a Soccer Field.” Student responses to the

ollowing the House of Representatives’ bill that upheld pizza’s status as a vegetable for the federal school meals program, a storm of controversy has erupted over the issue of pizza’s right to life. Protesters have staged massive demonstrations outside public schools, demanding pizza be allowed to live. “In its vegetative state, pizza can’t talk and there’s conflicting evidence about whether or not it would like to be unfrozen,” spokesperson for the activist group Pizza for Life Karen Greer said. “And we let it PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

The music industry has not suffered such horrific losses since the advent of CD burning. as crowd sizes are increasing along with retailer’s desires to place eye-catching displays along the aisle ways to the electronic departments, which are perpetually located in the back of the store. Many shoppers disregard these displays, seeing them only as obstacles on their way to eternal shopping glory. Some stores have begun to hire security guards to direct shoppers around displays instead of through them. However, their presence only

LAW ENFORCEMENT ABUZZ OVER PRANK Police plan sting operation to catch perpetrator.

serves to minimize losses, not prevent them. “With a guard in our store this year, our reports of casualties remained on par with those from last year,” Jim Alexander, a Chicago, Ill. Walmart manager, said, “However, with all the pressure on us from corporate to have 15 percent more displays than last year, I guess you could call that a win in our books.” Others are equally unworried about the broken records.

“Yes, I was in the crowd,” Janice Estrada, a Black Friday shopper present at a San Francisco Target where over 4,000 records were broken by shoppers, said, “Was there the chance that I’m at least partially responsible for this loss? Absolutely. But if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.” “And I wasn’t about to let it be someone else,” she added. “Not when I just saved $20 on stocking stuffers for my grandbabies!”

SAFARI PARTICIPANT MOUNTS ELEPHANT Tourists go along for the ride.

U YOUR OWN

be eaten by our children?” Pizza for Life also emphasized that it is an activist organization that opposes the new legislation and not a pizza fan club. Others disagree, arguing that pizza has the right to die. Humane Treatment of Pizza, a group that supports euthanasia of Pizza, released a statement. “If I were manhandled by a factory worker, drowned in grease, and frozen, I would want to a way out, even if that way out was digestion by a morbidly obese fifth grader.”

See BRIEFS, page 15

MQ’sV

Start ADVENTURE Here

our name is Nancy. You’re a hotshot young detective itching to make your next kill – you mean, bust – when you get in a cab. It’s a normal type of cab, yellow and such. Before long, you find yourself nodding off to sleep. And that’s where our story begins. You wake up in Sweden. You don’t know how you know it’s Sweden, you just do. Telepathy. The first thing you do is worriedly reach between your legs. “Thank god,” you sigh. Your trusty inner-thigh-holstered shotgun is still there. The rest of your belongings are not. “Glad att se dig äntligen vaknade,” the cab driver says. You blink. He may be the only ally you have left in the world. It’s time for decisions; you know Americans aren’t taken well in this part of the world. Do you risk answering in English? Or do you pretend you speak Swedish instead?

If you speak English, turn to page 5B If you speak Swedish, turn to page 4B

Page 2

POINT

I Love You So Much Ohmygod More Than Anything Forever

COUNTERPOINT

I’m Sorry, What Did You Say Your Name Was?

BY KELSEY NEIMAN

BY MATT WHITMAN

Restraining Order Collector

UCSB Humanities Major

know we’ve only known for a few short days since Chad’s party, but I think I’m falling for you. Like literally. But not like literally literally, you know, because it’s not like I’m tripping over my feet to be with you. Unless you’re into that. But I don’t think you are. At least, when I broke into your room and started going through all of your stuff, there wasn’t anything that indicated that you were into a falling fetish. I did find your thermodynamics textbook though, and I find physics majors to be a major turn on. But if this is going to work, you have to get a more reliable phone. I mean, I’ve called you 59 times in the last two days and sent you text after text, but you must not be getting service at your dorm because I haven’t heard back from you. And if I ever find out that you’re ignoring me on purpose, I’ll egg your car in

Trivia What’s the proper name for a baby rabbit? a. Bunnion b. Kitten c. Babbit d. Your next meal Abraham Lincoln refused to do pornography for which of the following reasons? a. Wouldn’t take the tiny top hat off of his penis b. Too busy preserving the union to split anyone’s legs c. Just didn’t want everyone to see his Lincoln Log d. He had an irrational fear of headshots

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theMQ.com

the middle of the night, leave threatening messages on your door, and tell you that I’m pregnant (even though I’m not). I mean that in the most loving way possible. The point I’m trying to make is that I love you more than anything in the whole world forever always forever and I keep pictures of you in my bathroom. We should get married and have one of those cult-like families with 12 babies. But for now maybe you can teach me some lessons about friction and moving bodies with your long vector, if you know what I mean.

How many times did your parents have sex before they conceived you? Which of these is most likely to be on the final? a. Explain Van Dan Hagg’s criticism of reverse discrimination b. Draw a feedback loop to explain fat people c. Compose a rebuttal to the critique of pure reason d. Count the number of times the person next to you silently farts during the examination. Based on your birthday, on what holiday did your parents concieve you?

ast night I was with this girl and she was absolutely amazing. Her name was Jessica… or Mindy… or something like that. See, that’s the problem with girls though, they all have different names. I mean, what’s up with that? If I had three wishes from a genie, I would first wish for a long board made out of weed… or weed made out of long boards (note to self: patent that idea), but my next wish would be to legally require girls to walk around with a name tag at all times. It’s honestly pretty embarrassing waking up next to someone who looks like Jabba the Hutt, and it’s twice as embarrassing when you just blank on her name. Like this one time, I was at a party at SDSU and my friend Dave is on his seventh beer and

The

absolutely cross-faded when he gets into a 14-way with a bunch of girls. The next morning, no one even knew how they wound up together naked in a Wal-Mart shipping container, let alone what their names were, but everyone was cool with it because they were all in the same boat (no pun intended). And that also counted toward Dave’s research project at SDSU. I swear, the Aztecs have everything all figured out.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Greece

mismanagement thereof puts the entire Eurozone at risk of financial collapse.” “Ooooh, look at the pretty columns!” she added. The buildings themselves declined to comment on their relationship with the Greek government, with responses ranging from the Parthenon’s half-ruined, stately magnificence to splashing sounds from the ocean near the Acropolis of Athens. “If only we were so wise,” Papademos said while at the Erectheion, “that we would stand in spite of our critics, saying nothing, content in being able to endure through the ages and remain hard.” Many Greeks agree with Papademos, and admire the buildings’ constancy and dedication to the country’s economic viability. “Aside from coming to eat really good food, why else are people going to give us tourism

dollars?” said one government representative. However, a strong minority of Grecians disagree with Papademos and argue that the buildings’ stability came with too high a cost. “Papedemos is endorsing a profoundly unjust society based on slavery and an oppressive, classist patriarchy,” activist Accalia Hadjinpapakostandinopoulos said. Greece’s new government is currently deciding on how to tackle the country’s mounting economic and social problems. The government’s ongoing operating expense is substantial. Although Papademos’ administration has means of supporting these overhead expenses, consensus has not yet been reached on which approach to take. “I can’t decide between Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian!” said one frustrated member of Greek Parliament.

Tuesdays. 6 pm. Half Dome.

Prove that there are no integers a, b, and c such that an + bn = cn for n>2 a. Rad 2 b. 215234745 c. log(3) d. Write proof here What do you do with a drunken sailor? a. Ply him with rum and sodomy b. Tell him this vaguely reminds you of a song you once heard, but you can’t remember how it goes c. Hold his beard hair while he vomits d. Feed him water, wrap him in blankets, put him in bed with your naked sister

Caption Contest Do you think you’re funny? How funny? Come up with a 150-200 word caption for the following headline, and you could see your work featured in an upcoming issue of the MQ! Caption this headline: Student Enters Caption Contest, Featured in MQ Show us what you can do! Send entries to ucsdmq@gmail.com before January 15, 2012 to be eligible for entry. Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Managing Editor.....................Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Cody Donahue Associate Content Editor.................Jessi Carr Associate Content Editor.................Zac Hann Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo

Social Editor............................Masha Sokolov Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Cody Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le MQ Dad.....................................Henry Becker Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

So, bring us some figgy pudding. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2011 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor in Chief of the MQ. You may notice this issue is a little fatter than usual. That’s partially due to the weight we gained from all those baked goods Eunah donated, but also due to the extra four pages! We hope you enjoy the features and we’ve included in this issue. Thanks to Robin and Jeff for designing everything to perfection. Thanks to Hannah, Bora, Caitlin, and Marina for illustrating all of backpage and centerspread. It looks fantastic. Lastly, and most importantly, an enormous amount of credit and praise goes to Cody and Jessi for putting in hours of time before and during production to get things done. I’ll admit, I was skeptical about the MQ’s Your Own Adventure idea at first, but your wit and terrific writing ability shone through. It’s terrific. I’m glad to be proven wrong. (Note to the future MQ: Don’t try to do 16 pages. For the love of god, don’t.)

Sam Bartleman Jack Beegan Monica Bhide Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Garrett Chan Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cait Cibulsky Cassidy Curl

Janine Davis Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Stephanie Fairbairn Ryan Gibbs Alison Gilchrist Brooke Gorin Andrew Hansen Doran Joy Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis

Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Malkinson Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hilary Morefield Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Precious Nicanor Jeric Pereda Robert Pond

Penny Renard Ragtime Roastbeefy Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ben Steen Veena Vignale Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Booster Club Here come the thanks: Ryan for the Nilla Wafers, Marina and Caitlin for the deliciously moist cupcakes, Bora for the Redvines, Hilary for the cookies, Cody for the creampuffs and pumpkin pie, Avi for the pretzels, Ariana for the veggies, Jeff for the cheetos. Most of all, a huge thank you to Eunah for the pumpkin roll, Ande’s cookie, cupcakes, and pumpkin cookies. They were all delicious! (Please send more. More!)

November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Page 3

Cal Policeman Breaks Baton, Student

An Officer And

A Gentleman The exciting tale of forbidden love He was a troubled young man with a dark past He had the exact same haircut PHOTO BY ADIL MISTRY

Countless masses gathered to mourn the tragic loss of the brave baton, which was able to beat five unarmed protesters before finally cracking. BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Assistant Graphics Editor

ver the past several weeks, hundreds of students at the University of California, Berkeley have been openly protesting for a halt to steadily rising tuition. In face of escalating violence by the students -- from remarks of disappointment all the way to linked arms -- University of California police were forced to resort to proactive defensive measures. When student Alex Chan threatened police chief Mitchell J. Kelaya by calling police work “overcompensation,” he was gently subdued with precise baton blows to the abdomen, groin, and legs. Chan has since been cited with disorderly conduct and the damaging of police property for breaking

a baton with his now-fractured hip. “I’m just thankful for my life and lucky I came out of it how I did. I’ve never seen a group with such bloodlust before,” Kelaya said. Outnumbered one to 30 by students armed with 30-pound book bags and slightly sharpened pencils, university police administered riot control tools such as batons, rubber bullets, and tear gas to help even the odds. This equipment, in addition to riot gear, has helped curtail unruly students from breaking the university’s most sacred prohibition of overnight camping around Sproul Plaza. “We’re fortunate to provide our peace officers with the fine equipment that we do,” UC Berkeley Chancellor Birgeneau stated. “I un-

derstand tear gas is illegal in warfare, but these are student demonstrations.” Following the peacekeeping incident by the campus police, the student government at Cal issued a condemnation of the event, claiming police attacked the student. “I honestly had no idea students would be seriously offended by this event. However, I must have my law enforcement officers protecting their emotions,” Bigeneau said. “I’m not sure how we’ll be able to keep up police morale after this condemnation.” In face of the reaction by university administration and police, Cal students have stepped up protest efforts in conjunction with the sweeping Occupy Wall Street movement throughout the country. In response, police nationwide have already adapted

the Berkeley campus police’s model of proactive defensive measures. “As a part of our new movement at Berkeley, we have decided to take a radical approach,” Chan proclaimed. “Starting next semester, we’ll be initiating ‘Occupy Your Regularly Scheduled Classes.’” Student initiative to protest rising tuition and fees has historically been a cornerstone of the University of California system, but protests have recently fallen on deaf ears as administrators seek to preserve their salaries and support state funding to ride through rough economic times. “Tuition isn’t too high until even I can’t afford it,” Birgeneau claimed. “And looking at my salary, we’ve got a way to go.”

Area Man Wins Nobel Prize For ‘Pretty Neat Idea’ BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

he world of astrophysics was irrevocably changed recently when local scientist Aaron Perry discovered a far-off galaxy that he’s dubbed “Area256x,” which he believes is the source of life on Earth and, ultimately, in the universe. His laboratory released the findings to resounding amazement from the public. “Huh. That’s pretty neat,” local banker Tom Willis said. In addition to possibly being the original source of all life, Perry believes Area256x housed a billion-year-old civilization on about 20 separate planets, which collapsed only in the last million years as a consequence of some mysterious disease. His evidence is derived from the debris collected by a probe sent to the galaxy some years ago. “Really? Wow,” K-Mart shopper Alexa Stevens said. Perry also has reason to believe that the civilization in Area256x intentionally sent their genetic information into space, hoping against hope that it would by chance land on a hospitable planet, thereby preserving the mighty race that birthed it. “So we’re, like, aliens or something?” UCSD student Mary Shepard said. “Does that mean I can blow off my history final?” Perry’s astounding discovery was met with some incredulity, but was eventually confirmed by a board of astrophysicists in Holland. This October he was awarded the Nobel Prize for his contributions to science following a moving speech by Professor of Astronomy Arne Ardeberg. “Cool discovery, man! You pretty much knocked our socks off with this one,” Ardeberg said. “I guess this is going

You won’t be able to tell them apart

Coming to theaters 6/9/2012 TOP TEN

Reasons You’re Not Graduating On Time 10. Your parents won’t let you to move back in 9. Apparently, you’re not allowed to fail that many classes 8. If you stop getting financial aid, how are you supposed to afford the alcohol? 7. The office where you’re supposed to file your paperwork closes before you wake up 6. No professors passed your trial by combat 5. You took 3.5 years to realize you don’t want to be a literature major 4. All five of your GEs are only offered in winter quarter 3. Your professor really does take attendance 2. Not entirely sure, you’ve been blacking out a lot lately 1. Still looking for a parking spot

MQ’S YOUR OWN PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

The man had a lot of time to postulate his prize winning theory, having not spent any time on his wardrobe. to have philosophical consequences and stuff, too. Suck it, Pope!” Perry is said to work out of his garage, using materials gathered in his local dump. The probe sent to Area256x is almost entirely constructed from water bottles, discarded computer parts, and bubble gum. His telescope, now destined for the San Diego

Air and Space Museum, was made from old pairs of glasses and some toilet roll tubes. Perry’s wife, Martha, has expressed some annoyance with his workspace. “Damn right I’m annoyed!” Martha Perry exclaimed. “He keeps sneaking off with my nice plates. Look, I don’t care if they’re especially good at deflecting solar flares. I have

twelve people coming to dinner tonight!” Perry intends to use his prize money to further explore the newfound galaxy. When asked whether or not he expected to find a discovery on par with his last, Perry seemed unsure. “Oh, I dunno,” Perry said. “Probably not. That last one was a doozy.”

ou follow her through the door and find yourself suddenly enveloped in the majestic background of Ciecure Cirkus. In the light, it’s suddenly strikingly clear that she’s a clown. You’re a little surprised, a little turned on, and boy is it hot with all these clothes on. But before you can strip, she turns menacingly and asks, “Are you better with knives or rhinos?” Being mildly acquainted with both of these, it’s a hard decision. But as her circus freaks slowly close in on you, it’s a decision you’ll have to make quickly.

Knives? Turn to Backpage #3 Rhinos? Turn to Page 15

Page 4

November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Geisel Library Designed With Zombie Apocalypse In Mind

MQ’S YOUR OWN

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Hey there, pardner,” you say, being reasonable. They’re not buying it, or so you assume when you feel that sack being pulled over your head. Suddenly, a hand reaches between your legs. You squirm, but it’s no use; he’s found the shotgun. “Try put past me eh,” he says. “No happen.” You nod the best you can through your gag. Your captor holds a sweet smelling rag over your face, and you doze off. When you awaken, you see that you are sitting in a chair in a room, surrounded by blonde hunks in tank tops. One by one, each man comes up and delivers a swift kick to your shins. You can take it no more. Something must be done. With great effort you resist the sharp pain in your lower legs and throw your arms around the nearest man, giving in to the sudden overwhelming urge to hug each one of them. “Ich bin ein Stockholmer,” you mutter into his chistled chest. For the first time in your life, you feel as if you truly belong.

Turn to Backpage #8

EDITORIAL

I Am Your Ideal Leader Although librarians have always said, “Knowledge is power, ” many counter with, “Knowledge is firepower.” BY SAM BARTLEMAN Staff Writer

uring a run-of-the-mill interview over budget cuts, UCSD Chancellor Marye Anne Fox unintentionally admitted that Geisel Library is actually part of a sophisticated zombie apocalypse survival strategy. “Well, the budget is really very complicated,” she explained. “If we cut funding for Geisel, then we’ll have nowhere to run when the zombies... uh... did... did I say... well... okay, you got us.” Geisel Library, built in 1970, has always stood as a symbol of academia to UCSD students, but will also serve as a secure holdout in the event that the dead rise from their graves to feast on human flesh. Theodore Geisel, the man for which the library is named, funded the library’s

construction himself and in return only asked that it bear his name and 75 flesh-burning quick activation lasers. Dan Waters, head of maintenance for the library system, was very excited to explain the security precautions. “This whole time you guys didn’t realize you were studying in a fortress? What about the 30foot concrete walls? The reflective, zombie-flesh-burning windows? The huge indoor skylight gardens for growing food? The undead wouldn’t even be able to smell you if you went to the eighth floor!” Via activation of what Waters referred to as an “awesome master switch on the roof,” the area underneath the entrance to Geisel will fill with lava and every student already inside the library walls will be entitled to one Glock G23 and eight rounds of ammunition, which can be claimed at the reference desk

with a valid UCSD ID. The UCSD administration has recently confirmed that four freshmen, originally reported to have gone missing in Mexico in 1998, had in fact fallen into one of the library’s eight fully automated spike traps. The odor of their decay went unnoticed amidst the far more pungent fumes from unwashed engineers studying for midterms. Many students weren’t surprised by the news. “One time I had to find a really obscure reference book deep in the stacks,” UCSD junior James Franklin explained. “When I finally found it, someone had hollowed it out and hidden a grenade inside. From that day on, I knew.” “I mean, come on, it was hidden in an immunology journal,” Franklin continued. “That was just setting someone up for an ‘and I’m the

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

cure’ pun.” Some of the more obscure library exhibits like the medieval weapons display and the suit of armor in the Science and Engineering library will become fully usable upon the end times. The chancellor’s office refuses to decrease funding from certain areas of the university’s budget, saying that UCSD prides itself on being a top-notch university, from maintaining a green campus and ample student counseling services to ensuring the continuation of the human race after an infectious apocalypse. “They all scoffed when we approved funding for a ‘defense against the dead’ class at RIMAC. But I’ll tell you one thing,” Fox added, “When there’s no more room in hell, UCSD students will be ready to kick some ass from the comfort of their favorite library fortress.”

International Committee Appointed To Determine Whether It's Too Soon To Make 9/11 Jokes BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

n Wednesday, the International 9/11 Joke Committee held its first meeting. The committee was formed following a United Nations decree which claimed that the confusion over whether or not 9/11 is funny is an even greater tragedy than the tragedy itself. “Just think of all the potential! So many jokes left untold. I think they deserve a sort of comedy memorial,” one of the delegates said. “A grand one. You know, the kind that takes 10 years to make.” Several months ago, the United States recognized the 10th anniversary of the tragic 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. The nation remembered the tragic day in a new light, due to President Barack Obama’s recent achievement of single-handedly finding the hiding place of Osama bin Laden and shooting him four times in the face at point-blank range. This milestone, after a video of the feat was posted to the presidential YouTube account, was cause for much celebration amongst patriotic Americans and other lovers of violence. It also attracted new attention to the debate over whether 9/11 jokes can be considered funny yet. Since the attacks, the nation has been experiencing somewhat of an identity crisis. “I just don’t feel comfortable sharing my country with people who are at war with my wholesome, Christian way of life,” an anonymous

BY MITT ROMNEY

Your Ideal Leader ello, youth or adult, male or female, anyone with the legal right to vote. My name is Mitt Romney, and I am your ideal president. What makes me an ideal leader of the free world, you ask? I’m perfect because there is no person that cannot agree with at least one thing I’ve said or not said. Say you’re not a Republican. Well, until I ran for Congress in 1994, I was an Independent, and I even voted for a Democrat. I can’t be that Republican, can I? If you’re a Republican, I’ve been a lifelong Republican since my father was governor of Michigan. Think of me as a northern George W. Bush! Please, let me continue. You’re probably thinking, “homosexual rights are important to me, and are bound to come up in the next four years.” Well, if you’re in favor of equal rights, then you’re in luck. I was governor of Massachusetts when homosexuals were first allowed to marry. If the idea of two dudes going at it kills your boner, or seeing a man in a wedding dress is an unpleasant reminder of your wife, then good for you! I have always opposed gay marriage, and backed a state constitutional amendment to ban it.

The

Religious? Well, I’m your man. I was once the leader of the Boston stake of the Church of Jesus Christ and Later Day Saints and have tithed millions of dollars to the Mormon Church. Think Mormonism is a cult? Well don’t worry, I don’t take it that seriously. You see, I’ll do just about anything to be president. How about guns? Don’t like ‘em? Well, neither do I! So long, guns! I increased taxes on gun permits when I was governor. Love ‘em? Well I’ve recently discovered the National Rifle Association. I know it’s strange that it took me so long, especially since I’ve started calling myself a lifelong hunter. Now I know what you’re all thinking, how can I get us out of this budget crisis, and what about taxes? Well, I came into a budget crisis when I was governor, and I got us out of it by raising taxes, increasing fees, and removing corporate tax loopholes. And it worked great. But if raising taxes and closing loopholes aren’t for you, don’t worry. I recently signed an anti-tax pledge! I don’t want any unnecessary taxes to keep you from purchasing your guns. In case you haven’t heard, I’m really into hunting. I’ve been both for and against almost anything you can imagine, but most of all I’m for you! Sure, I’ve been told I have somewhat “fluid” values and “flexible” beliefs, but I would just say I really want to be president. I don’t mind if you don’t like me because I lie, or if you don’t like me because I have an open mind, or if you’re Republican and you instinctively hate both those things. All I care is that you vote for me.

MQ : Getting people into med school

since hopefully next year.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

PHOTO BY ROSA CHO

“I get it,” bursts out this customer. “It’s only 91 cents because airline coffee is terrible.” woman said. “People who make 9/11 jokes are a threat to our pure American values.” The woman then returned to protesting the building of a new comedy club near ground zero. Along with her fellow protesters, she argues that the jokes are simply in bad taste, and they’re really not that funny, especially when they’re repeatedly overused. While some may disagree with her, jihad a good point. The committee, consisting of one representative each from 11 major nations, met in New York City in the

Empire State Building, somewhere between the 77th and 85th floors. Unfortunately, the beautiful, now slightly less obstructed view of the city kept hijacking the delegates’ plane of thought. Part of the meeting required reading numerous submitted examples of jokes and anecdotes relating to the 9/11 tragedy. Many delegates complained, stating that no human can make it through so many stories so quickly. The overall sentiment of the meeting was friendly; during a brief intermission, one delegate conversed with

another, explaining how he hoped his son wouldn’t bomb his test tomorrow. “It’s a geometry test dealing mostly with intersecting planes,” he said. “I tried to give him a crash-course in the material last night, but his thinking seems to be on a different level.” But things later became heated over the topic of Pentagon jokes, and the meeting eventually imploded. Luckily a second committee is scheduled to convene next door to the first, which the UN hopes will not collapse under the same pressures.

MQ’S YOUR OWN

“

Ya, ya, sis boom bah, Ikea! Dingadurgan,” you say. It’s a long shot, but it seems the cab driver understands you. At least, he turns, gives you a sly wink and a nod, and begins changing lanes rapidly. You sit back, contentedly, but when you look up, you’re not at an airport. “Where did I go wrong?” you think. The cab driver comes to a stop on a street corner. It is clearly a very bad street corner. Just down the way, you can see people paying for health care! This is not where you want to be. But, it was your mistake. Do you suck it up, get out of the car, and attempt to show a little fishnet? Or do you try speaking English, in hopes that the cab driver will take you elsewhere?

If you get out, turn to Page 10 If you speak English, turn to Page 5B

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Obama Declares War On War

Page 5

MQ’S YOUR OWN

ou head off that way, looking for the most bomb-proof place possible. After walking dozens of blocks and seeing nothing suitable, you settle on a Starbucks. “Sweden really needs to work on their public bomb shelter system,” you think. You hitch your skirt down and your shirt up, hoping to appear more nun-like before opening the door. A familiar aroma of coffee and wealth inequality hits you, and you are grateful to have found this substitute America. You approach the counter and order a grande, half-caf, triple-shot, one percent, sugar-free peppermint tuxedo no whip mocha with room. But despite how pitiful you’re trying to look, he won’t give it to you on the house. Those stupid Swedes. You gotta have your drink! So, do you pull out your shotgun and demand it, or go out on the street and try to make a little money?

Armed robbery? Turn to Backpage #7 Beggary? Turn to Page 7

TOP TEN

“Seriously, guys. Stop taking North America. It’s not funny,” President Barack Obama tells his friends. BY JOSHUA MARXEN

Staff Writer

ast week, President Barack Obama released the following ultimatum to War, in response to its continuously belligerent behavior: “Stop occurring within 48 hours, or we will have no choice but to take military action to curtail you.” War has been accused of international human rights violations, non-adherence to the Geneva Convention, and failure to pay the debt it has racked up in the countries participating in it. By the expiration of the 48-hour grace period, War made no official response, and has refused to back down from its occupation of the political decisions of countless governments around the world. Obama then declared war on War. Although most polls indicate that the public is in favor of “actually declaring war this time,” constitutional scholars are up in arms about what they see as an unprecedent-

ed overstepping of limits on presidential power. “One man should never have the power to unilaterally engage a nation in warfare. That's why the Constitution gave Congress the power to declare war, not the president,” history major Stan Twitterman said in a YouTube video that has received likes by both of his subscribers. Other critics of Obama's decision point out that the enemy, being a tactic rather than a group or organization with a recognizable location, leader, or ideology, will be difficult to target without causing collateral damage. But Obama, who revealed the details of his strategy for combating War at a press conference two days ago, has come up with a seemingly plausible plan of action. “Our first step will be to send troops into areas which are suffering the pains of chronic warfare, and indiscriminately eliminate any combatants,” Obama said. “We will start with Middle-

Eastern nations like Afghanistan, which are currently experiencing unpopular occupation by powerful warrorist organizations.” According to Obama, United States Army troops previously stationed in Iraq will be withdrawn and retrained for the new operation by the end of the year. “Unconventional enemies mean unconventional combat,” David Patraeus, former Commander of United States Armed Forces in Afghanistan, said. “Before, we were fighting a war against Islamic insurgents, now we're fighting Islamic insurgents and counter-insurgents. The theory of counter-counter-insurgent warfare is brand new, and poses unique challenges such as preventing intelligence leaks to simultaneously opposing and allied forces, training soldiers to deal with mandatory friendly fire orders, and convincing our soldiers against all consistent logic that they aren't their own enemy.” Three days after the con-

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

ference, a video was mailed to the Pentagon by United States warlord Leon Panetta, who said that such interference with Western interference in Middle-Eastern politics would be met by “merciless resistance” and “holy retribution.” Political analyst Jessica Weecan says that Obama's decision is likely to help his campaign next year. “Not only will this create thousands of new public-sector jobs, Obama finally has a chance to show voters how different his policies on war actually are from George Bush's. He realizes that 30 percent of our tax revenue can't be wasted fighting some vaguely defined concept; the percentage should be closer to 40 percent, or maybe even 50 percent.” “And besides, the War on Terror was so 00s,” Weecan added. “We need to recognize that we're in a new decade now, and our scapegoat for justifying shady policy goals to the public has to change with the times.”

Area Child Develops Allergy To Running

Consequences Of Making The Legal Drinking Age 21 And Under 10. Drunk tricycle fatalities, BUIs increase 9. Babies cry, vomit, shit themselves 8. Gambling addiction more difficult to justify 7. Adult abuse skyrockets 6. Irish Americans kill themselves en masse 5. Beer now six percent alcohol, 94 percent corn syrup 4. People have kids just to get an alcohol hook-up 3. Toilet training delayed five to seven years 2. Gerber malt liquor flies off shelves 1. College seniors now speak to freshmen

TOP TEN

Unforeseen Disadvantages Of Having A Third Arm Protruding From Your Chest 10. No one else can do the secret handshakes with which you come up 9. Creepy as fuck 8. Hand too conveniently located over crotch 7. You’ve looked really hard, but no one has a fetish for it 6. Girlfriend still has only two boobs 5. 18 years of bullying followed by 57 years of bullying 4. Everyone tries to shake that hand 3. Always getting asked to lend a hand 2. You have great tits but no one can get over your freakish abnormality 1. Always have to be the little spoon

PHOTO BY BONNIE CHINH AND GENNA MESCH

Due to new accommodations by the school’s physical education program, Johnson is now the world-wide record holder for the mile. BY CODY DONAHUE Content Editor

ast Thursday, 9-year-old Eric Johnson ran, but mostly walked, his firstever mile for fourth grade physical education credit. “It was awful,” he whined, after six hours spent catching his breath. “I couldn’t breathe good, and my legs and my chest and my whole body hurt.” Later that day, he heard something that surely no child wants to hear: He was allergic to running. Nearly one in every 500 children has a running allergy, but many Americans are woefully unaware of its existence. Instead parents tell their children to “grow a pair,” “walk it off,” or even “go get some exercise! And put that candy down. It’s making you fat.”

“Some terrible parents even put their kids on diets, in a misguided attempt to counteract the allergy,” health expert Kara Wayans said. “For kids with carrvbot or celery intolerance, it’s nothing less than child abuse.” But Eric’s mother immediately realized that her son was in far worse danger than terrible shape. “All the signs were there,” Melissa Johnson said. “Difficulty breathing, cramps, vomiting, and his skin had turned a really ugly, splotchy red. It was either an allergy, or he’d accidentally eaten rat poison again.” Johnson rushed him to the emergency room, where they spent a “rather enjoyable” six hours waiting to be seen. By then, most of Eric’s symptoms had subsided. “But his unwillingness to go running, that was always there,” John-

son said. “He really never, ever expressed any interest in running, ever.” “I’m a monster,” she added, breaking into tears. “I pushed him, I sent him to fat camp. I even let him participate in a very simple, school-run physical education program!” Though research in the area is spotty at best, recent reports suggest that the allergy, often seen in pasty, overweight young children, could be responsible for a whole host of other problems, including obesity. “I find that children with running allergies are overweight, obese, or still eating Pringles when I see them,” doctor Raul Dewman said. “Most won’t even share with me.” “I only wanted one chip,” he added, glaring at the teen-

ager perched on his examining table. “She didn’t have to bite me.” But obesity is not the only thing that sets these kids up for years of ridicule. “When you miss out on basic childhood activities such as kick the can or stickball, you tend to be reclusive and awkward,” child psychologist Truman Flosser said. “Some of these kids are even forced to spend their solitary teenage years hunched over a computer, memorizing the script of ‘Lord of the Rings’ or playing seemingly endless sessions of ‘Minecraft.’” But Eric, last seen recovering with a big bowl of ice cream and a large television, isn’t going to let the allergy hold him down. “I don’t have to do P.E. anymore,” he said, with a clearly forced smile on his face. “How awesome is that?”

MQ’S YOUR OWN

“

There’s been a mistake, I need to get back to America,” you say. The cab driver looks back at you, but before he can answer there’s a buzzing from the radio. “Nancy Alderson, this is a message from the CIA. We have placed you here in Sweden because we need your assistance. There is a bomb hidden at the Nobel Prize ceremony. It is imperative that you find and diffuse this bomb before catastrophe occurs. Your nation is depending on you. This message will now self-destruct.” The cab driver looks perplexed and fiddles with the radio, but his Swedish soap opera does not come back on. Instead, the cab explodes into a million pieces. But with your fine CIA-agentlike-skills, you leap from the wreckage unharmed. As luck would have it, you look up to see the red carpet of the Nobel Prize ceremony. It’s time to find a way in. Do you try to sneak in as hired help, or show a little skin and see where that takes you?

If you don a disguise, turn to Page 6 If you use your body, turn to Page 11B

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November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Snapple Replaces Snapple Facts With ‘OH SNAPple Facts’

MQ’S YOUR OWN

ou look around, wondering how you could possibly sneak in to a gathering of such brilliant minds. Suddenly, you hear a commotion and turn to see a mustached man in a chef’s hat crying out that his kitchen assistant just quit. Perfect. Thinking quickly, you grab the nearest lobster and walk up to the doorman, holding your breath. You use your newly-acquired crustacean to gesture towards the distraught chef and he gives you a nod, then steps aside to let you in. Phew. You’re mingling with academia’s best and oldest, when another guard gives you a strange look. Without warning, he grabs you, pulls you into the hall, and asks, “what are you doing here?” Or, that’s what you assume, since he’s speaking Swedish. It seems your situation has gone from bad to worse. Do you do pull out your inner-thigh-holstered shotgun, or instead choose to subdue him with the lobster?

Shotgun? Go to Backpage #7 Lobster? Go to Page 11A

PHOTO BY JESSI CARR

Matthew Sans had not actually learned of his adoption before Snapple broke the news. BY JEFF TRAYNOR AND ADITI SHAH Managing Editor and Staff Writer

ast Thursday Snapple unveiled its newest feature, “OH SNAPple Facts,” in an effort to appeal to a new generation brought up on opinionated internet comments. The company claims that the new facts, designed to induce “Oh snap!” responses, will “pop your top off.” However, the new facts have already come under criticism. Consumer Reports posits that “OH SNAPple Facts” are really just outrageous claims and unsupported opinions. “No they’re not,” Snapple representative Val Sanchez said. “And anyway, nobody asked for your opinion.” The OH SNAPple Facts will be located and labeled under the bottle caps just like the originals, but they will be personalized for each Snapple drinker. “There is no way oth-

er companies can compete with this kind of individualized attention,” Sanchez said. “For example, ‘#29: On average, a human will spend up to two weeks kissing in his/her lifetime. You are WAY behind the curve, Mike. There’s no way for you to catch up without getting herpes.’” Some consumers are finding the opinions uncalled for, but others find them oddly refreshing, “just like Snapple.” “All I wanted was a drink,” Joe Heimlich said. “Not a line saying ‘Ew, Joe, your serial killer mustache is totally not helping your whole virgin situation.’” “Joe, man up, that mustache is terrible and you need to sleep with someone. Geez, just give up and pay for it... and anyway, my OH SNAPple fact is totally killer,” Moe Heimlich said. “‘#56 Moe, you have totally hooked up with more than your average number of partners. Good job man, we're real proud of you. Also, Daisy sure is cute.’”

Though personalization has always been at the heart of marketing techniques, mental health experts are worried about the insecurities these opinions might target. Karl Fraser, a psychology expert, repeated the fear that these new facts might be difficult for the average consumer to handle. “This is similar to the marketing technique of fortune cookies, but fortune cookies don’t tell you that the shirt you’re wearing makes you look like an oversized Elmo,” Fraser said. He then looked down sadly at his own shirt and mumbled, “Anyways, who doesn’t love Elmo?” One Snapple regular, Jake Materson, has found his quoting of “OH SNAPple” facts detrimental to his everyday life. “I quoted ‘about 18 per cent of animal owners share their bed with their pet and only two like it more than they like you’ to my girlfriend,” Materson said, “and she told me that she was

one of those two. How do I compete with Rufus? He’s so adorable.” Approximately 92 percent of Snapple’s profits are being redirected from taste testing to the personalizing of OH SNAPple facts. This is based on the modern business mantra, “Marketing comes before quality just like cocaine comes before breakfast.” “Well if you have complaints about taste, I promise, we won't be listening.” VP of marketing, Jack Peterson said, “But if you have complaints about OH SNAPple facts, it’s probably because you haven't opened your life to the possibility of privacy invasion. As soon as you open up about your current crush and darkest secrets, so do we. Complaints are being taken very seriously; we will make sure your facts are always correct.” “And that’s an “OH SNAPple Fact,’ from Snapple Jack,” he added.

CIA Admits To Conducting Secret Santa

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

Coincidentally, inconspicuous vans across the country have embraced the holiday spirit. BY JACK BEEGAN

Staff Writer

n a rare moment of transparency, the CIA admitted this weekend to organizing its own secret Santa program, codenamed “Project Holiday Secret Gift Giving Fun Game.” Despite the surprising honesty, there is still no official word on who came up with such a clumsy name. Sources say that the secret Santa game has spiraled out of control, with hardened intelligence analysts unable to cope with the inherent, goodnatured mystery. Rumors of wire-tapping and browser history checks abound, but the most disturbing reports are those of “intense inter-

rogation” increases in secret CIA prisons located in Eastern Europe. “They asked me about some of the agents’ general tastes,” an anonymous CIA informer said. “I told them I didn’t know anything. They proceeded to shock me with jumper cables. They asked me if a bottle of scotch would be a presumptuous gift. I told them that may be the case, because their agent may not drink.” The program has been marked by use of “targeted gifting,” in which remotecontrolled drones are used to distribute the secret Santa gifts. Witnesses say the drones, however, are unreliable and often deliver their

payload to the wrong targets. A fact-finding team financed by the Pakistani government has reported that many gifts have been delivered to villages that were entirely foreign to the secret Santa concept. Given the agent’s lifestyle of secrecy, many were flattered to receive appropriate and specific gifts. “After a life of telling people you like nothing more than a nice pair of argyle socks, getting a new shoulder holster was a welcome change,” one agent said. This is not the first time Langley has experimented with holiday celebrations. Its 1961 “Bay of Figs” party was, much like the operation after which it was named, a

disaster due to a number of factors, most notably poor planning and a woefully untrained Cuban catering staff. The CIA also has a history of training carolers who return to their native countries in order to better spread Christmas cheer. The most well-known of these groups are Nicaraguan contras, who received support from the Reagan administration in order to fight against the Sandanista-lead “War on Christmas.” The CIA, infamous for its secrecy, has refused to provide details about the game, despite Congress’s vote to form a bipartisan committee with the purpose of looking into the game. The committee’s primary goals are to discern the game’s price limit, the level of participation and the re-gifting rate. Thus far, said fact finding committee has had little success. CIA testimony of a $30 gift limit is widely suspected to be a lie said in order to appease Congress. There have been some findings, however. Sources say certain CIA members, notably those who delivered the Iraqi WMD report in 2001, have proven hopelessly bad at the game, often mistaking gifts for weapons of mass destruction. Given the current situation, the future is unsure for CIA holiday celebrations. Insiders say that agency higher-ups are considering other seasonal festivities, but progress has stalled lately as the hierarchy ran out of resources trying to figure out what Kwanzaa is.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Your Preschool Friends And Your Friends Now 10. Awkward sleepovers 9. Get cranky without a nap 8. Can’t really read 7. Don’t have any money 6. Drunk most of the time 5. Have a crush on a 12-year-old 4. Won’t be moving out of their parents’ houses any time soon 3. Tell you what they want to be when they grow up 2. Giggle incessantly at the word “penis” 1. Still dead from that fire

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Page 7

Stranded Holiday Travelers Secretly Pleased With Situation

MQ Restaurant Connoisseur:

The Bistro at the Strand: Take a Bite Out Of Class BY STEVE COOGAN Food Critic

he Bistro at the Strand is easily the most elegant restaurant out of all of the establishments owned by culinary mogul JoAnn Newmeyer. Opened after a series of economic blunders on the part of the seasoned restaurateur, The Bistro was met with skepticism by most in the La Jolla university culinary community. Fortunately, the genius of Newmeyer’s head chef Raul Tycoon has been able to shine through the shadow of economic failure and low expectations with a unique fusion of Asian cuisine and plastic chairs. I wandered into the restaurant in a culinary stupor, terrified of what I was about to face. However, when the server sat me at my table and whipped out those free wonton chips with wasabi humus I was sold. It only took one taste of Tycoon’s hand crafted “Chancel-

“I was going to fake my own death, but this is much more convenient,” one traveler said. BY SAVANNAH SPARKMAN

Staff Writer

his Thanksgiving, travelers leaving from the San Diego International Airport bound for Chicago were stranded following a mysterious yeti sighting. The airports promised to put passengers on new flights as soon as the mythical creature situation was cleared up. However, 93 percent of travelers declined this offer, while the other seven percent had already left the airport. Though the yeti was not deemed a threat to flight safety, all planes were grounded to allow conspiracy theorists uninhibited access to the scene. Many passengers lauded this as a reasonable decision, and some went so far as

to thank the airport. “I wouldn’t want to impede this important investigation,” Peggy Sue, who was on her way to Springfield, Ill., where her parents had a fun-filled week of board games, reminiscing, and sing-a-longs planned, had to say. “Our traditions were great when I was a kid, but I seriously don't want to have to sit around listening to dad try to hit the high notes in ‘Silent Night.’" Peggy Sue is only one of the thousands, maybe even millions of people who admit they do not enjoy going home for the holidays. "Airports are the worst," stranded flyer Carl Yelter said. "No, scratch that. My mother is the worst." Studies suggest that most only look forward to Thanks-

giving for the excuse to eat their weight in turkey without fear of judgment. “Family visits are just an unpleasant side effect of the holiday season,” social scientist Carlton Powers said. “Like the cereal part of the Lucky Charms.” “Unless there’s a family dog,” he added. “People are usually pretty excited to go home and see the dog.” Still, not all passengers were happy about the delay. Donald Frump, traveler, told the women at the ticket counter that he had to be home for Thanksgiving. "It is my favorite holiday, and I don't want to spend it with my friends and girlfriend," Frump said. "I'd rather listen to my mom and dad argue about whether or not the turkey is done."

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“I’m taking bets on who cries first,” he added. “You want in?” Another Chicagoan, Jonathon Jacobs explained that he was actually excited about going home. “Mom was going to make me pumpkin pie," he said. “I need to get on this flight.” Despite this, he was later seen dancing around the check-in yelling "VEGAS BABY!" It can be assumed that his new holiday plans were better than pumpkin pie. As thwarted travelers trickled from the terminal, many laughed over shared experiences and discussed how thankful they were for the yeti. “What a great experience,” Californian Robert Downes said. “I think I’ll do this again at Christmas.”

Masculists Bristle At Depiction Of Males As Misogynists BY ZAC HANN

TOP TEN

Misconceptions Modern Children Have About History 10. The Civil War was civil 9. WWII was just a sequel with more CGI 8. Hammurabi was a computer programmer 7. Nazi regime stopped by Indiana Jones 6. The French Revolution was televised 5. Lance Armstrong was first person to bike all the way to the moon 4. Millions of potatoes starved in the Irish Potato Famine 3. The Donners used to throw crazy parties 2. Pirates don’t rape or murder 1. The number one cause of death on the Oregon Trail was dysentery

TOP TEN

Associate Content Editor

mid growing accusations of male prejudice in history texts, documentary films, and newspaper articles about politicians, a civil rights movement has been gaining momentum. Members of the movement, led by Vinny P. Ignatius, are calling themselves “masculists” and are making their voices heard on university campuses, talk shows, and GOP events. The masculists are demanding reparations for the bad name men have been given. “Nobody’s perfect, but to convict an entire gender of ignorance and barbarism is simply unacceptable,” Ignatius said in a speech at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City, Utah. “Whenever you hear about rape, domestic abuse, or pedophilia, 99 percent of the time it’s a male committing the crime. How many female perpetrators get announced in the media? Very few. Why doesn’t the world seem to mind that women commit these heinous crimes too, and focus only on male criminals? It’s as if we’re the only sex with twisted minds.” Ignatius waited for the applause to die down before continuing. “And quite frankly, I don’t appreciate all this ‘exclusive, women-only’ crap,” he added. “They’re not the only ones who like to dress up in lingerie and feel sexy.” “Haha,” he added after 10 minutes of silence. “That was a funny joke.” Not content with speeches and rallies, masculists have formed a nation-wide coalition for those who sympathize with the plight of men to gather and support one another called the National Organization for Men (NOM). At meetings, participants reclaim

lor Roll” to know that this was the best dining experience of my career. The sultry combination of snapper, eel sauce, and notoriety that comes from biting into the Chancellor just can’t be beat by any other establishment at UCSD. In addition to an extensive sushi menu, a variety of scrumptious entrees are available for freshmaen desperate for a less lame place to take their significant others on dates. I had the opportunity to chat with a lovely couple next to me. Jason Brinks and his girlfriend, quite the foodies, espoused their mild satisfaction with the Bistro: “We have way too many Dining Dollars.” I finished up dinner with a satisfying $10 dessert and another glass of water. Frankly, there is nary a place on campus that can hold a candle to the class and sophistication of the Bistro’s ambiance and cuisine. Except maybe Home Plate, since they actually serve alcohol.

Ways Video Games Can Improve Your Sex Life 10. Teaches you to handle a joystick 9. Gamecube allows for four-play 8. You learn how to grind 7. Practice throwing your balls around 6. Get good at finding small, hidden things 5. Get better at role-playing 4. Exquisite knowledge of portals 3. Practice making unannounced head shots 2. Skyrimjobs 1. Chicks dig your level 85 blood elf

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

Their impromptu performance of “The Penis Monologues” was quite a shock to unsuspecting passersby. traditional masculine activities that have been decried by feminists in recent years, such as watching professional sports games, eating barbequed meats, drinking beer, eating steak, eating burritos, watching the opening scene of “Kill Bill: Volume 1,” eating pancakes, and eating beef jerky. Claiming “feminists have even taken over our healthcare,” NOM has organized events designed to raise public awareness about the marginalization of American men. Last Friday, picketers gathered outside gynecological clinics across the nation, chanting

such slogans as “We may not have cervices, but we have rights!” and “Half the X chromosomes, twice the injustice!” When asked for a statement, masculist picketer Jerry Beatts asserted, “It’s not right for those in the medical profession to set up healthcare facilities that refuse, simply refuse, to treat male patients. Some of these physicians are men themselves! They’ve turned their backs on their own gender and turned their eyes on the mammograms of the enemy. This needs to stop!” Masculists are determined to educate a new gen-

eration of social progressives ready to defend their cause. To this end, they’ve convinced many four-year universities to implement men’s studies majors. The curricula generally include courses on the historic mistreatment of men from major wars to minor skirmishes, negatively stereotyped depictions of men in popular culture, and Sean Connery film studies. Despite feminists denouncing the classes, a surprising number of women have enrolled in men’s studies majors. One female student said, “it’s a sure way to get laid.”

MQ’S YOUR OWN

utside, the streets are almost empty - everyone is at home watching the Nobel Prize ceremony after all - but you see a few men here and there, a perfect opportunity for a trick or two. You find a pebble on the ground and then run back into Starbucks to steal a few empty cups. But back on the street, it seems that very few pedestrians are actually interested in your magic show. You’re beginning to give up hope. Will anything ever go your way? Suddenly, a black limo pulls up and the rear window lowers. A strange voice offers you the chance of a lifetime if you enter. That sounds like fun! But the whole thing goes against what your mother always taught you about getting into a car with strangers. Do you go with the flow and get in the car, or do you listen to your gut and politely decline?

If you go with the man, turn to Backpage #1 If you listen to your mother, turn to Backpage #2

Page 8

Holi November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

College Student Make this a Christmas you’ll always forget

Halloween candy

“Mistletoe”

Jello dildo Water, just add eggnog

Nutmeg flavored cornnuts

Red-and-Green Bull

Engineering class paper crane

A grandchild for your parents

Sandwich bread shaped like cookies

Ramen fruitcake

The textbook you borrowed

Dining hall dishes

illustration By Bora buyuktimkin

"Middle" Class Budget Seventeenth century London style

Festive solid grey wall

Pasta with red and green sprinkles

Stolen bicycle

Stuffed pigeons .GIFs because you’re too poor to afford the ‘t’

Coal to heat your house “I sold my watch to pay for gas” “I sold my hair to pay for electricity”

Romantic macaroni bracelet illustration By Marina karastamatis

idays

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Page 9

Gifts Decorations Food

The 0.00099%

What do you get someone who has everything?

To poor neighbor: A rat’s ass Give the Indians the bones back from the backyard

Goose that lays golden eggs

Ten thousand square foot gingerbread mansion

To recently gay son: Fruitcake

To collegeage son: One sweater vest, one butler to look after sweater vest

Genetically recreated dodo bird Sugarplums extracted from the dreams of poor children

Chilled diamonds in drinks

The iPhone 7S illustration By Caitlin carnahan

The US Budget

Give the gift of global Christmas by causing nuclear winter

Give only a few of your citizens gifts, hope it’ll trickle down

To Iran: Nuclear sanctions To Cuba: Keys to Florida Gold, frankincense, and myrrh for when Israel’s messiah finally comes

Stuffed bald eagle

Get out of war free card to Azerbaijan

Re-gift Statue of Liberty, hope France doesn’t notice

Osama Bin Latkes

Declaration of Independence to Britain, just to remind them

Festive red and green hundred dollar billls

“Democracy” coupon for every country

illustration By Marina karastamatis, caitlin carnahan, & bora buyuktimkin

Page 10

November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Professor Invents Time Machine

DEA Busts Families For Tryptophan

Still Takes Three Weeks To Grade Midterms

“I didn’t mean to bring the Velociraptor back,” Hindleberg said. “Its fingers are surprisingly agile.” BY ZAC HANN AND AURORA LE Associate Content Editor & Web Editor

fter nearly a year of logistical planning, getting access to grants, and building, Professor Hindleberg of the physics department has successfully invented a time machine that can travel to the past and the future without creating wrinkles in time. “Yes! It is true! I’ve finally done it! I have created a flawless time machine,” Hindleberg exclaimed. “All those years of spending late nights at the lab, racking my brain for a solution, and watching hundreds of hours of ‘Back to the Future’ on replay finally paid off! Plus, a young Michael J. Fox is pretty easy on the eyes.” Although physicists everywhere are shaving their yeti beards in homage to one of the greatest achievements in physics history, students in Hindleberg’s physics 1C class

are dissatisfied with his performance. On Nov. 2, Hindleberg’s class took a midterm examination on the general theory of relativity and quantum mechanics. Although the exam included only seven questions, all of which were multiple choice, Hindleberg has failed to grade the exams and return them to students for over three weeks. “I don’t understand what’s taking so long,” second year student, Brett Ford, complained. “A monkey could run all those scantrons through the machine in a more timely manner, while simultaneously picking all the lice out of my hair.” Students were observed going to Hindleberg’s office hours twice a week, only to be greeted by a locked door with a Post-It note that read, “Probably watching Henry Cavendish weigh the world or something awesome like that. Also, putting a flaming bag of dog feces on my porch

stopped being funny 100 years ago. I know. I was there.” Some of Hindleberg’s colleagues in the physics department have speculated that he may be withholding the students’ grades to demonstrate Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. “He’s a brilliant educator,” assistant professor Colin Feegle remarked. “He’s making the famous Schrödinger’s cat experiment relatable to undergraduates. Until they get their midterm grades back, they don’t know whether their chances at Latin honors are dead or alive.” Since Hindleberg’s accomplishment took the physics world by storm, he has been invited to give more guest lectures than he could possibly attend. At one such lecture, the professor was holding forth on time dilation, when a 19-year-old Asian woman interrupted. “I’m pretty sure that’s what I wrote on my midterm,” she said. “By the way, can you at least post the answer key on TED? Will

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

that question be extra credit? What’s the standard deviation? Will there be a curve?!” The woman, identified as one Shirley Chang, an undergraduate in the physics 1C class, was forcibly escorted from the auditorium upon Hindleberg’s request after she sprang over three rows of seats to try and steal his laptop. “I’ll be back for my grades... and a letter of recommendation for medical school!” Chang said, kicking and screaming, as CSOs carried her out of the room. Everyone in the 300-student class as well as all 39 students on the waitlist signed petitions to the Wolf Prize and Nobel Prize committees, asking them to threaten to withhold the awards unless Hindleberg returns the midterms in a timely manner. “We are human beings, not Morlocks,” the petitioners said. “Pretty please tell us our grades?”

Diabetic Santa Not Excited For Christmas Cookies BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

his past week the North Pole was rocked by the devastating news that Nicholas Claus, commonly known as “Saint Nicholas” or “Santa,” has been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. When questioned, a source near to Mr. Claus who wished to remain nameless said it was “not unexpected.” “There are only so many sugar cookies you can eat before you should be hitting the treadmills,” the source said. “Or he could, I don’t know, bring back some leftovers so the reindeers have something better to eat than ice-cold oatmeal. Just a suggestion.” Mr. Claus has been open about his diagnosis, stating that it will not deter him from visiting the homes of millions of children around the globe. However, he has suggested that families move away from the traditional milk and cookies fare and choose healthier alternatives. “I like snickerdoodles as much as the next jolly, redcheeked northerner,” Claus said. “But I’m also fond of a nice salad. Perhaps with some arugula, or maybe some ripe radishes.” Claus suggested that his recent health problems could be a result of the increasingly high fat content, high calorie sweets provided every year. “We didn’t have this problem in the days of the Great Depression,” Claus said. “Back then, I was lucky to get even a few chocolate chips. Usually I just got gruel cookies. Have you ever had a gruel cookie? They’re disgusting.” But as the economy im-

PHOTO BY ADIL MISTRY

“Step aside,” this paramilitary trooper said. “The turkey is down, but we don’t have a confirmed kill.” BY JANINE DAVIS Staff Writer

fter years of debating legislation, Congress finally passed a law banning consumption of turkey due to the fact that it contains the chemical tryptophan. The congressmen asserted that tryptophan is a dangerous drug that threatens the core American value of Protestant work ethic by promoting laziness. The passing of the law in early November has led to an unprecedented crackdown on the turkey trade. The DEA recently began conducting regular raids on suspected “nodes of criminal activity.” One boy recounted his story to the local news. “We were sitting around the table and grandma was saying grace when men in black outfits crashed through the windows and shot our turkey,” he said. Scientists have criticized the turkey hysteria by reminding the public that tryptophan is a perfectly safe essential nutrient, not even found in particularly large quantities in turkey. DEA agent, Dean Scott, disagrees adamantly. “Nothing can change my mind about what I see on the streets,” he said. “Kids and grandparents doping up on butter-eightballs. As a society, we should be ashamed.” As critical as scientists have been toward the bill, historians believe that inte-

gration of such a dangerous food into American holiday tradition may be one of the most elaborate revenge plots in history. “Native Americans were almost entirely wiped out by smallpox introduced by European settlers. So the few that remained used their knowledge of the native foods to very slowly destroy their society,” said American history expert, Gilbert Matthews. “This is a fascinating topic that I’m proud to say has recently been picked up by the History Channel for a full length series called ‘Drumsticks of Death: Native American Fowl Play.’” The History Channel special will certainly make it easier for Congresswoman Lisa Levin, one of the most enthusiastic supporters of the bill, to spread the word about the dangers of tryptophan. She spoke to her constituents this week and urged them to celebrate with a more American meat, like beef. Specifically, she recommends Pilgrim’s Pride Inc., a company that she acknowledges “coincidentally, has made a few contributions to my campaign.” Many believe that the bill will eventually reach the Supreme Court, due to the controversial nature of the case. Justice Clarence Thomas even expressed frustration with Congress’ choice to pursue this bill. “If this turkey case and the ‘pizza is a vegetable’ case reach the court at the same time, it’s totally going to ruin my diet,” he said.

MQ’S YOUR OWN

ou find yourself in an alley and nervously adjust your fishnet stockings. Luckily, you took a few modeling classes back in the day, so if all else fails, you can at least make a few kroner for a new cab ride. But before you can strut down the alley parading your wares, you notice two women glaring angrily at you nearby. They’re both ugly, and hanging out in an alley. If that doesn’t scream, “come to me in hopes of returning to America,” you don’t know what does. It’s time to make a choice. Do you talk to the one with too much makeup, or not enough makeup?

If you talk to the one with too much makeup, turn to Page 14 If you talk to the one with not enough makeup, turn to Page12

PHOTO BY ADIL MISTRY

Luckily, the chronic disease serves as the perfect cover-up for Santa’s ongoing heroin addiction. proved, so did the cookies. Claus describes the 1950s as a “magical time” of annual “sugar-comas.” “There was a period in the 1970s where the brownies were a bit suspect,” Claus said. “But besides that, most things have been getting more and more delicious. And don’t even get me started on Girl Scout Cookies.” Claus first suspected trouble when he found he could no longer complete his daily exercise routine of laughing heartily, hoisting

an obese child onto his knee, and jumping down a couple chimneys. His suspicions were confirmed soon after, and he has since been placed on a more restrictive diet by his physician. “We aren’t trying to turn Santa into someone he’s not,” Dr. Zippy Bing-a-ling M.D. said. “We’re just trying to make the person he is less rotund.” Claus has expressed doubts that he will be able to resist himself come the night of December 24, pleading that children around the

world help him keep to his new diet by not giving him the temptation to indulge. “I’m not saying that I’ll punish you for putting out my regular cookies and milk combo,” Claus said. “I’m just saying that I’ll be paying more attention to who I’m putting on the naughty list this year.” When asked to speak on the subject, Mrs. Claus was tightlipped, saying merely that she hoped “that fat bastard would finally start eating [her] special broccoli surprise.”

The

MQ : Fight fire with extremely flammable newspapers.

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Page 11

Peyton Manning Up To Injury

11A

MQ’S YOUR OWN

ou sense that pulling out your shotgun in a room this full would be a bad idea. Instead, you sic your trusted shellfish on the rogue guard and he soon falls to the ground bleeding. “Success,” you think as you step over his soon to be dead body. “Claws of death? Puncture wounds,” you say, dramatically removing your sunglasses. No wonder you looked suspicious. “There’s not much time,” you think. “I can’t watch all the blood drain from his body. Time to move on.” You head down the hall, and come across two doors. One marked kitchen, the other marked stage. There isn’t time to look in both; which do you choose?

If you choose to look under the spotlight, turn to Backpage #6 If you choose to search behind the bread, turn to Page 13

EDITORIAL

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Thanks for mending my broken left arm guys,” Manning said. “But what I really wanted was someone to patch up this papercut on my throwing hand.” BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Assistant Graphics Editor

idelined by a nagging neck injury that has required three surgeries in almost as many months, former NFL MVP Peyton Manning helplessly watches from the sidelines as his team, the Indianapolis Colts, struggle to win games. According to the team's owner, Jim Irsay, Manning is on a timetable to return sometime before or after his retirement. Healing from a cervical fusion surgery, Manning has spent numerous weeks observing replacement starter Curtis Painter fumble away the team's chances of success and credibility. “I don't want to say Curtis is barely

a step up from your average Joe off of the streets,” Manning said, “but when you know I'm basically the sole reason for the team's success, it's hard to refute that claim.” Unfortunately for Manning, his injury is very uncommon and too obscure for most sports physicians to treat. Due to the consequent difficulty of prognosis of his neck injury, most of Manning's recovery lies solely on his own judgment. “I swear my injury is real. You see, when I turn my head to the right more than 180 degrees, it gets slightly uncomfortable,” Manning said, while demonstrating his head turn. “Wait hold on, the pain was just there, I swear!” As the Colts' opponents

are starting to consider matches against them as automatic victories, fans cannot help but consider the possibility of a winless season for a team that had won the Super Bowl just five seasons ago. Some have even considered the possibility that the team is purposefully tanking in order to all but guarantee Manning MVP next season. “All he’d have to do is win one game,” fan Ryan Weston said. “Maybe just half a game.” “I can neither confirm nor deny that notion,” Jim Irsay, owner of the Colts, remarked. “But imagine what it would do to promote Manning's legacy and our ticket sales!” Confirming the idea that Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts

franchise are increasingly synonymous, Irsay had reportedly stated that upper management was considering renaming the team mascot from the Colts to the Mannings. “At this point we're guaranteed a losing season. Even if I decided to come back, players on losing teams just don't win MVP,” Manning said. “This is, of course, discounting the in that I have with all of the referees in the league.” Despite insistence by many people within the Colts organization that the current season is not already abandoned, the marketing division for the Colts has already started to print out programs for the upcoming season, labeled “Last Season Didn't Count: Peyton MVP 2012.”

Ask The Drag Queen Next Door Bootsie Knoxville tackles women, men and everyone in between

ometimes you need the advice of a trusted bro, and sometimes you need the input of a reliable female friend. Bootsie Knoxville is neither, or both. The famous “Man’s Drag Queen” is now taking on your questions, giving you the benefit of a gender-indeterminate, omni-sexual perspective.

Dear Bootsie, I’m gorgeous, but men don’t seem to agree. What’s wrong with them? Confused About Cock-owners Dear Confused, Here’s an old saying that I’ve always lived by: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I think it means that the men you’re pursuing have beautiful eyes and are too busy checking themselves out to notice you. Lower your standards, or try teaming up with a girlfriend, that works for me. Most men would rather have two fives than a 10.

Dear Bootsie, Yesterday was the first time I’ve ever been hit in the balls with a dildo. How should I feel about that? Uncertainly Sore Dear Uncertainly, Don’t ask me to tell you how to feel. All I’ve learned from my years of experience is this: It’ll feel sore at first, but after a while you get used to it.

I’m tired of love, tired of playing the game. What do I do? Listless Lili

Dear Drugs, You have a serious problem. Waking up naked on some stranger’s couch is no laughing matter. First it’s a couch, soon it’s the local playground, and before you know it the only way you can get your rocks off is exposing yourself to Jehovah’s Witnesses who come to your door because you can’t leave the house without your ankle tracker calling the cops. My advice: Most people don’t know that drugs and sex can count towards course credit in pharmacology and anatomy, so the more the better. But beware, if it’s not your couch, then it’s probably not your blow, and they’re probably not your women. No one likes a mooch.

BY CHAZ HAWTHORNE Forum Poster

t seems like all over the world, there are people who deny that the Holocaust ever happened. But you know what? That’s just what the mainstream media wants you to believe. The media only survives by selling controversy. Without outrageous things to report on, no one would watch the news! Recently, controversial stories have died down. The wars overseas? More like the bores overseas. The middle class is disappearing? So is America’s interest in that story. With nothing controversial to report on, the media had to invent something. And what better controversy than people denying the existence of a historical event that happened recently enough that there are still people around who remember it? Plus, it was the perfect opportunity to stir up false religious disharmony, a brilliant business move for those high up in the media with ties to the multi-billion dollar “Coexist”

The

Dear Listless,

Is the new Dr. Pepper really just for men? Mrs. Pepper

You know, I remember when someone told me that dresses were just for women and the Pope. That man was my father. But I showed you, didn’t I, Dad?

My life this last few weeks has been a montage of dark, meaningless things. My love for my family is fading like the flame of yesteryear. I can’t find satisfaction in my job. I went out and banged a hooker last night. I felt nothing. Only loneliness. Empty Dear Empty, Have you tried Trojan’s new line of ultra thin condoms? They’re so thin it barely feels like you’re wearing anything.

If you have a burning question for Bootsie, send it in to ucsdmq@gmail.com. Maybe you’ll see it in an upcoming issue.

bumper sticker industry. So they planted sleeper agents who established false identities, blended into their community, and then when you invited them to a dinner party, they hit you with their “conspiracy.” Anyone could be an agent: your neighbor, your boss, even your own child. Sure, people bring up the case of Ahmadinejad, because they think he couldn’t possibly be an agent of the media. But the evidence is everywhere you look. His full name is a partial anagram for “media man.” Despite having almost no authoritative power in Iran, he remains a public figure. And he never wears any ties because all of his ties are to the media. “But what about me?” you might ask, “I’m a holocaust denier, and I’m not an agent.” Are you sure? That “wife” that left you, when was the last time you actually talked to her? Can you even remember? Why do you have so few pictures of the two of you together? City records show that the apartment complex you remember living in together just a few years ago was demolished in the early 1990s. And I think you’ll be surprised to find over $15,000 in various currencies hidden under the third floorboard from the left in your spare bedroom. It’s time to face facts. There are no real holocaust deniers, and you’re a hollow shell of a human who has been programmed with memories of a past you never had and dreams that will never come to pass, just so the mainstream media can sell newspaper subscriptions.

MQ : This area of the paper is scratch and sniff!

Ain’t that a crying shame! I felt the same once, so I stopped thinking of it as a game and more as work. I got through way more customers that way.

Dear Pepper,

I want to get into med school, but also want to spend every night passed out on a stranger’s couch, covered in blow and naked women. People say it can’t be done. What do you think? Drugs, Sex, And Triple Bypass Surgeries

Holocaust Deniers Don’t Exist

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

11B

MQ’S YOUR OWN

onfidently, you hike up the police-issue mini skirt and show off even more of those sexy gams. “What old, creepy man can resist a hot, young stripper,” you think. But as you mingle about the throngs of old men in bow ties and tweed, you find that all are too immersed in conversation about useless things like cold fusion or the HiggsBoson particle to notice you. Never one to be easily put off, you head towards the door anyway, hoping that at least the guard can appreciate true beauty when he sees it. You throw him your best coy smile, then misinterpret his Swedish pick-up line for a denial of entry. Dejected, you walk away as quickly as you can. It’s after dark, and you want to be as far away from this place as possible when that bomb goes off. But where should you go?

If you’d like to go this way, turn to Page 10 If you’d like to go that way, turn to Page 5A

Page 12

November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Cops Mistake Black Friday Shoppers For Occupy Protesters

This confusion was probably not helped by signs that specifically said, “Occupy Best Buy.” BY MARIE SBROCCA

Staff Writer

ew York, N.Y. police expressed shock at the angry, undulating group of people pressing against buildings and snaking through the streets early Friday morning. Lieutenant Sergeant Dan McClellan, NYPD riot squad member of nearly 40 years, said, “I just couldn’t believe I got a call at 3:30 a.m. on a Friday morning. That’s the kind of dedication and aggression I’ve come to expect from public transit protestors in Europe or angry hippy undergrads at Berkeley. Not those pansy-ass protestors. I mean, they don’t even know what they want.” Upon arriving at the scene, McClellan’s partner, James

Connor, remarked that “this is the best damn job those pansies have done organizing or occupying anything.” He proceeded to note that the front entrance of Neiman Marcus “seemed like kind of an odd location, but I guess Wall Street would get kind of bleak after a while.” The crowd present appeared to be far more abundant in Gucci, Prada, and mink coats than the usual Occupy protesters. Murmurs of surprise ran through the wellheeled crowd. One woman exclaimed, “My goodness! The police are here? This is New York City for Christ’s sake, not California. Shouldn’t they have violent crime that needs to be dealt with?” Also noticeable was the

apparent lack of signs, which McClellan noted, “wasn’t much of a surprise” because they “really haven’t had any of their shit together during this whole ordeal.” He was, however, extremely surprised to see his sister, Terese, and his wife, Rebecca, in the melee. Terese and Rebecca were substantially less surprised to see McClellan. Terese exclaimed, “You dumb ass. What’d you expect?! Neiman’s is opening 30 minutes later than their ad said.” McClellan and Connor then conceded that the crowd did look a lot more like the one percent than the other 99, and that it was, in fact, the day after Thanksgiving. Upon realizing there was no imminent threat

PHOTO BY CAITLIN CARNAHAN

of much-anticipated political upheaval, but simply a lot of angry women with Rolex watches and stiletto heels, the police disappointedly returned to their stations. The remainder of the day was relatively calm, with only the report of a lone Occupy Wall Street protestor, who turned out to be homeless, meandering down the actual Wall Street and two false alarms at Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy’s to break up the monotony for the riot squad in a city that, according to Chief of Police Mike Spellman, “doesn’t know the difference between having a reason to be angry and living in a capitalist society that runs on Social Darwinism and media attention.”

Americans Disappointed To Discover Online Petitions Cannot Actually Change Law

TOP TEN

Rhyming Party Tips 10. If you’re still thinking, you should be drinking 9. If it burns when you pee, you had sex with me 8. I hope you can dance if you want in her pants 7. If you met him on Reddit, you’re gonna regret it 6. There once was a man named Horatio, who fancied a bit of fellatio, he went down on a man, woke up in a van, and that’s why they call him Horatio 5. If it’s brown drink it down, if it’s orange there is no rhyme for it 4. And a one, and a two, let me rub my dick on you 3. Now’s the time to type up your works cited, because it’s Saturday night and you didn’t get invited 2. Too much to drink? Just pee in the sink 1. Don’t get sad, get drunk

TOP TEN

Ways Death Row Is Like Your Finals 10. Both highly emphasized in state institutions 9. Ethically questionable 8. Just want it to be over with 7. Won’t be able to talk to your family after 6. You leave a lot of unanswered questions 5. Pretending you’re in a spaceship won’t help 4. You won’t be able to sleep the night before 3. Just want it to be over with 2. Might be a bitchin’ party when it’s over 1. Only thing that can get you to pray

BY ERIN ABENDROTH

Staff Writer

utrage has erupted among the general public in recent weeks as official response to the White House’s “We The People” petition program finally made clear that the petitions are slightly less effective than facebook groups at changing law. Participants claim that the government has unconstitutionally ignored the collective voices of the people with their refusals to immediately legalize various narcotics and gay marriage or bring back Pluto as a planet. “I thought that it was so cool,” San Diego State biology major Leo Davis explained, “that the government was updating that totally old style system of state constitutional conventions being called and all that and just putting it online for us. I signed twenty on my first day!” Many others agreed with Davis, stating their initial excitement with the program and their later frustration that the government refused to acknowledge their demands and instead took the lazy way out by only giving an official review, despite the fact that the government’s plan of action is clearly stated multiple times on the program’s official website. “I told the President that I wanted him to do something to fix my neighbor’s stupid dog that barks every morning at 5:30 a.m.,” Billings, Mont. resident Joe Duncan wrote on his blog. “If I get the other 24,999 signatures needed on that petition and he doesn’t come out personally with a shotgun and finally rid the neighborhood of that damned poodle, I don’t know what I’ll do.” Political analysts and

MQ’S YOUR OWN

Y PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

“No, Joe,” laughs President Barack Obama. “Those are called light bulbs, and they make the room less dark.” experts have been quick to point out that even if the petitions had the power to change laws, the public response has been minimal. “The 60,000 people who thought that they could get marijuana legalized with the click of a button? That works out to about .02 percent of the population,” one Political Science professor at Stanford University said. “Ironically, most of them are the same people who are out on the streets complaining about the 1 percent controlling too much government policy.”

The White House has conducted surveys to determine why the public has seemed to be so misguided by the premise of the “We The People” petitions but has been unable to determine a clear reason as to why. “An alarmingly high number of our multiple choice responses were filled in as B, and our free response questions mostly had answers along the lines of ‘COMMIE PIGS!!1!’ and ‘Ron Paul 2012,’” a White House staff member reported. “So we can’t really say where we went wrong.

But it might have something to do with the fact that since the introduction of No Child Left Behind, literacy rates in the country have dropped significantly.” As a collective response to the White House’s ignorance of the issue, a new petition has been started, entitled “Petition to Make These Petitions Actually Count.” “I’ve totally found a loophole with this one,” petition writer Caleb Bardot said. “If enough people say that they want to make these things legal, they’ll have to do it!”

ou walk up to the ugly woman, the one with the black thong. God, who wears flip flops on a night like tonight? “Hey you,” she says, in clearly bad English. “You.” “It doesn’t have to be like this, Lucille,” you say. “We don’t have to keep pretending. I can get you help.” She gives you a disdainful look, and spits on you. God, you don’t want to think about where that mouth has been. A black limo pulls up, interrupting your intimacy. Out of the car steps not one, but 12 men, carrying KGB-issued AK-47s. It’s the Stockholm Mafia. “Eh, you,” the leader says. “You.” They clearly want you, to be dead right now. This leaves very few options... but don’t forget, you have a shotgun holstered to your inner thigh. Do you pull that out, and let them know who’s boss, or try to reason with the thugs?

If you pull out the shotgun, turn to Backpage 7 If you try to reason with them, turn to Page 4A

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Page 13

Fun & Games

Cryptoquote

EDITORIAL

I Would Be Stalking You, But I’ve Got To Study For Finals

Spot

Take a look at the text below. Does it seem strange to you? That’s because it’s written in a secret code that only you can crack. Each letter corresponds to a different letter in the english language. Figure out which, and you’ll reveal the message!

the

Differences!

KGYH G CJJY GK KNH KHDK IHCJU. OJHF TK FHHR FKMGZXH KJ RJQ? KNGK’F IHWGQFH

BY PARMINDER PATEL Forever Alone

TK’F UMTKKHZ TZ G FHWMHK WJOH KNGK

JZCR RJQ WGZ WMGWY. HGWN CHKKHM WJMMHFSJZOF KJ G OTBBHMHZK CHKKHM TZ KNH HZXCTFN CGZXQGXH. BTXQMH JQK UNTWN, GZO RJQ’CC MHEHGC KNH PHFFGXH!

There are six differences in these two photos. Can you spot them all?

CEAI E PWWA EC CNI CIDC RIPWS. HWIG MC GIIU GCTEJOI CW BWQ? CNEC’G RIYEQGI MC’G STMCCIJ MJ E GIYTIC YWHI CNEC WJPB BWQ YEJ YTEYA. IEYN PICCIT YWTTIGFWJHG CW E HMZZITIJC PICCIT MJ CNI IJOPMGN PEJOQEOI. ZMOQTI WQC SNMYN, EJH BWQ’PP

TOP TEN

TILIEP CNI UIGGEOI!

Scramble _ _ _ _

gesg

_ _ _ _ _ _

snonoi

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

gusasue leplepbersp

Baseball _ _ _

ilo

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

mmm

MISSED CONNECTIONS

THE NEIDERMEYER family regretfully announces the union of their daughter Chriselle with Eugene Fincher, (below)

I WAS a girl on the Arriba shuttle last Tuesday studying biochem, you were the guy in the UCSD sweatshirt listening to your headphones and standing in front of me. When we hit that speedbump and your groin accidentally-on-purpose caressed my face, I knew we were made for each other. If you feel the same way I do, just do it again next time we meet ;)

and proudly announces the death of Gladys Neidermeyer, 1904-2011.

Rules: Nine players to a team Three outs per team per inning 9 innings per game Score a run by making it all the way around the bases. Whoever gets the most runs wins!

_ _ _

ANNOUNCEMENTS

I WAS the ------- -------- on ------ and you were the ---- ---- wearing --- shoes and ---- ---- with a drunken bear. If you felt the same way I did, or want to ----- some other time, call me at --------. --- --- ------- ---- ---- -----.

Classifieds WANT TO make $3,000 a week sitting at home watching television and eating mac and cheese? Me too! Let’s hang out together and try to find that job. Friend me on Facebook, if that’s not too much work.

A WOMAN who feels as alone in the world as I do. No family, friends, etc. Preferrably new to town. Call me, and I’ll be willing to show you the ropes. Call Doug at 432-564-7273

INTERESTED IN music? Want to be in a band? My self-titled project is currently looking for a lead singer, lead guitarist, rhythm guitarist, drummer, bassist, backup dancer, manager, and fans. Must have background in post-modern experimental smooth electric jazz.

FOR SALE

WANTED JOB OPENINGS DO YOU want to be the next UCSD Chancellor? No experience necessary, though old age is helpful. Contact Mark Yudoff at classhasbeenchancelled@gmail.com.

CHRISELLE AND Eugene Fincher proudly announce the birth of their son Thomas Garret. Baby Thomas weighs in at 11 pounds, 13 ounces, and was born three months prematurely, according to father Eugene.

ARE YOU hideously and morbidly obese? Could you use some extra cash? UCSD Department of Psychology is conducting a study on the effect that insults have on the mental well being of obese students. Please inquire at the Department of Psychology Help Desk.

just wanted to let you know, so you don’t worry about me and think that I’ve gotten kidnapped or something, I just won’t be able to sneak into your dorm room this week to sniff all your Victoria Secret 34A Miracle Bras while you’re in class, because I have to study. There are few things in this world that can get in between our love: Comic-Con, new episodes of “Game of Thrones,” and sadly, finals. Just because I’m on hiatus doesn’t mean that my undying love for you isn’t there, honey. I love you more than peanut butter loves jelly! More than Jimi Hendrix loves his guitar! More than Michele Bachmann loves pretending to know science! I hope you understand that I just want to do my best so that I can go to med school, get filthy rich, and have enough money to provide for the beautiful family we’ll have. I hope

our kids have freckles on their face that are distributed exactly two millimeters apart, just like all of yours are. Or maybe they’ll have your curly brown hair that smells like passion fruit with a hint of sweat. I can’t wait to tell our future children how we met. It was love at first sight; I remember it like it was yesterday. You singled me out, I knew I had found my soul mate when you handed me that flyer on Library Walk asking me to donate blood for the American Red Cross. Our hands touched and I could feel the sparks flying. That’s when I knew you were the one! Also, I got a boner. I know it’s hard for us to spend a lot of time together, especially since you filed that restraining order against me, but I promise we’ll make up for all that lost time I spend studying. And if it’s any consolation, you’re always on my mind, even when I’m doing multi-variable calculus. Those parabolas remind me of your goddess-like hips and how they sway to and fro whenever you’re walking briskly away from me. Think of all the things we could do together once I have free time again. We could go to the movies, take a walk on the beach, or go to a dark and empty secluded field. Who says I’m not a romantic? I know romance. Until then, my love, just know that I am always with you because I planted that webcam in your room.

YOUR AD Here! Do you want to reach thousands of readers with a small section of text? Reap the benefits of advertisement, call 555-666-9324 today! LOOKING FOR a place to advertise. Must be cheap, preferably located in print or online. Call Sylvia at 923-3451352 if you offer such a thing. LOOKING FOR a young man to mow my lawn Saturday afternoons. Must not be offended by my lack of clothing, will be compensated with Mike’s Hard and backrubs. Contact Michael at (858) 555-3291.

Congressional Pick Up Lines 10. I yield the balance of my time to this gentleman 9. We just need one more vote to make a 69 8. Have you ever wanted to be part of a sex scandal? 7. Would you like to (R) my (D)? 6. I’m generally against sex education, but for you I will make an exception 5. Baby, I’m not going to stop until you get a vote of cloture 4. There will be nothing civil about our union 3. I’d wire tap you . . . and your phone 2. It’s not just the deficit that’s huge 1. Have you met the majority whip?

The

MOSTLY HOUSEBROKEN dog for sale. Requires manual bathing at least once a week, lives on diet of Cheetos and Rockstar energy drink, has failed obedience training multiple times. Responds to Chris, Fatass, and Turn your music down, I’m trying to study. $50 or 2 handles of flavored vodka. Meet in Marshall Uppers courtyard Tuesday at 11:13 p.m. FOR SALE: One totally awesome red Ford F-150. It’s probably too man for you, but come check it out, dude. Can hold at least 6 cases of Natty Ice in the back. Only selling it because I broke a mechanical bull the other day and if I don’t pay to fix it they say they’re gonna serve my ass. REFURBISHED ESCORTS! Do you spend too much money on your penis? Looking to save big? Our girls are the answer. All fixed up just for you. Call now!

Like a sponge bath for your brain.

Tuesdays. 6 pm. Half Dome.

MQ’S YOUR OWN

“

Screw fame and fortune,” you think. “There’s food in this room.” Pushing the doors open, you barge into the kitchen, wishing you still had your trusty lobster. You’re inches from the bread when you get stopped by the real chef, an American by the sounds of him. “Would you like to know your fortune?” he asks you, whipping out a Magic Eight Ball. Before you can respond, he’s shook it once. Terrified, you look down, only to see that it has returned with a “try again later.” “Try again?” he asks you. By now you’ve worked your way to the bread, and unless you’re very much mistaken, there’s no bomb. If you leave now, you may have time to check the stage. But your fortune beckons. Which do you choose?

Fame? Turn to Backpage #6 Fortune? Turn to Backpage #4

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November 30, 2011

theMQ.com

Wizards Of The Coast Announce Release Of ‘Science: The Collaboration’

POINT

I’m An Art Graduate Student BY SHYLER JOHNSON

Has Never Left Mandeville

ook at you, you happy little undergrad! Walking around campus all day with a smile on your face. Let me tell you, you know nothing about what it’s like in the real world. The real world is full of pain, suffering, and massive amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide. For the past two years, I’ve managed to break away from the pain and suffering of the world and have turned it all into art. That’s right, art. Did you see that heap of compost over there in the corner by that stairwell? It’s part of my thesis project, and it represents the decay of the moral fibers of society as we know it. Does the smell bother you? It should, just like you should be bothered by the fact that everyone is just giving in to the corporations. See how deep I am? But I bet that means

nothing to you. You’re probably a business major; just some pawn buying into the system. I bet you don’t even listen to real music. I bet you like Death Cab For Cutie or whatever the mainstream world tells you is supposed to be cool and cutting edge. So go ahead, just keep living in your world of moral inferiority. Don’t sell nearly all your earthly possessions and spend a year in the Mojave living out of your Volkswagen Beetle like I did. You’d never be able to understand it like I can.

COUNTERPOINT

I Have A Chance At Success BY ROBIN BETZ

Design Editor

ame company Wizards of the Coast announced the release date of its latest game, “Science: The Collaboration” on Monday. The company, already responsible for smash hits “Magic: The Gathering,” “Yu-Gi-Oh: The Card Game,” and “Shiny Cards: Just Buy Them” anticipates record participation in the new game. “Compared to other Wizards games, ‘Science: The Collaboration’ is much more teamwork-focused,” game designer Ronald Sinkowksi, one of the creators of the game, said. “In ‘Magic: The Gathering,’ players wanted to make monsters to attack each other. Science isn’t usually

like that, and neither is ‘Science: The Collaboration.’” The game’s main objective involves getting a paper published in Nature, although points may also be earned by completing smaller achievements that include getting citations, scooping an opponent’s research, or receiving tenure. Just like Wizards of the Coast’s other games, “Science: The Collaboration” involves playing minion cards against an opponent’s. “Here, game balance was a very big concern,” Sinkowski said. “Each card does various amounts of research that furthers your goals, but the more useful they are, the more money they cost.” Each player starts out with a small starting grant

BY RYAN HARDY

PHOTO BY DYLAN BLACKIE

No one has ever been this excited about science, ever.

Smug Bastard

and has to balance spending it on personnel, equipment, and bribes to safety officers. In addition to the fast-paced play cycle, proposals are due every fifth turn, and players will lose all funding unless they manage to justify their research to the Impersonal Committee, which involves diverting all lab resources and rolling a 20-sided die until funding is secured again. Sinkowski briefly presented each card, which has a realistic photograph and description of the role of that character in the game. “See here we have the ‘Postdoc’,” he said, pointing to one card. “It’s a very good card to make do all your research, one that others have even said is fairly unbalanced due to the amount of lab work you can

load on it.” “But,” he continued, “In addition to being really expensive, every project you assign to a Postdoc causes it to receive a Sanity counter. Too many counters and there is a chance the Postdoc will snap and destroy all your research before abandoning science forever.” Similar to some of Wizards’ other games, some versions of a card feature shiny graphics and are much more uncommon and powerful than their matte counterparts. The special edition version of the Undergraduate, for example, is the Actually Fairly Attractive Undergraduate, which features limitededition art as well. “That’s definitely a card I’d tap,” Sinkowski said.

mm, bro, could you get out of my way? I need to get to class. I appreciate you trying to express yourself and all, but somehow shoving a dumpster in my path while you rant about your life and perceived intellectual superiority and then call it art just doesn’t seem that cool to me. Look, I know you were upset in 2008 when your trust fund crashed along with the rest of the economy, and you realized that your B.A. in Russian literature and your first M.F.A. in theater won’t get you a salary above the food stamp limit anytime soon. But for some reason, you thought a M.F.A. in conceptual art was the way to go. You know who else thought art school was a good idea? Hitler. And look how that guy turned out. See, someday I am going

to be the man…ager of a successful business while you’ll be stuck folding shirts at Urban Outfitters. You know, because they’re the only place that will take you and your pointless degrees. And really, can you please move that dumpster now? I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to get to my math 20E exam. Not like that’s anything you’d ever be able to understand. Man, am I jealous.

Student Crashes On Couch, Leaves Bloody Trail Of Destruction BY ZAC HANN

Associate Content Editor

leveland, OH homeowner Ricardo Sanders received a shock last Monday when a college student crashed on his couch, destroying not only that particular piece of furniture but also most of the houses on his block. Amidst the screams could be heard the as-yet-unexplained sound of a French horn practicing Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture.” When contacted for an interview, Sanders divulged that the perpetrator was an undergraduate at nearby Kent State University, engineering major Madison Landing of Columbus, OH. Landing had contacted Sanders on couchsurfing.org, asking to stay on his couch for a couple days. “I thought he’d be like the last one,” Sanders said. “Maybe a bit of a sleepwalker, but a good, unwashed guy overall.” Landing had been working on a caffeine-powered vehicle for his honors thesis, under the premises that caffeine is both cheap to synthesize and “like crack, but the cops can’t touch you.” It was his decision to fly the vehicle to Cleveland that began his descent into home wrecking. Shortly after consuming far too much of the caffeine fuel on his flight, Landing felt a quick drop in altitude and crashed through Sanders’ roof into his living room, where he smashed into the couch and subsequently careened through a wall and

Most users say that the biggest downside of Coke is the crash. into a neighboring house. While the violence of the impact damaged most of the houses in a quarter-mile radius, residents remained calm, such events being “pretty typical for Cleveland.” Landing was found ten minutes after the crash, facedown with his head in a bowl of punch, inside a neighbor’s home. Upon seeing the engineer unconscious with his shoes still on, partygoers immediately began covering him with Sharpie sketches of phallic objects and crude words. Property damages will be covered by the city’s “Hitchhiker Recompense” fund, established to promote Cleveland’s image as most

freeloader-friendly city in America. The fund was established after Cleveland residents complained of their guests, often bearded and smelling of Coors Lite, stealing or breaking most of their possessions before leaving to stay at a neighbor’s house. Working their way down a residential street in this fashion, a single hitchhiker could accrue up to $240,000 in property damages in a single week. The morning after the crash, Landing thanked Sanders for his hospitality and “a can of Coke Zero [Landing] found in [Sanders] fridge” and took his prototype vehicle to the local police department,

PHOTO BY BEN STEEN

helped by several of Cleveland’s finest. The officers offered the amateur inventor one of their empty cell bunks while he waited to see if his host would press charges. Following the incident, Ricardo Sanders took the time to write a scathing review on couchsurfing.org. The 3000 word diatribe, cross posted around the internet, is best described as “much too long to have ever been read.” Despite the negative press surrounding the incident, organization president Lucas Tathers expects participation in couch surfing to remain strong, “Whatever,” he said. “It’s still free.”

MQ’S YOUR OWN

ou walk up to a woman in garish makeup who is giving you a come-hither look. She sizes you up and gives an approving nod, which you return with a wink and a nod. That’s right, soak it all in, you think. “Looking for a wild time?” She asks. You’re down for anything. You nod. “I can hook you up with some real freaks,” she adds. “Follow me.” Well, that was abrupt, you think. You’re a bit put off by it, really. But also, she speaks English. That’s a definite plus. So, do you go off with this woman, or do you try your luck with that other one?

If you go off with this woman, turn to Page 3 If you try the other woman, turn to Page 12

theMQ.com

November 30, 2011

Page 15

Anonymous Hacks Down Christmas Tree

NEWS IN BRIEF AS MALARIA SPREADS, U.S. DECLARES SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA A ‘NO-FLY ZONE’ The U.S. declared a no-fly zone over the entirety of SubSaharan Africa last month in an attempt to curb the spread of malaria and trypanosomiasis. Aircraft carriers and surfaceto-air missiles have been set up along the South African coast to neutralize any and all mosquitoes, tsetse flies and other insects caught flying four feet and higher above sea level. Control towers on aircraft carriers have attempted to hail the creatures and order them to land immediately. However, most mosquitoes either refuse to cooperate or simply do not respond. In a press conference, President Barack Obama de-

fended his decision to use U.S. military power to enforce the no-fly zone. “The citizens of these nations, have suffered grave injustices. At the probosces of these tyrants . . . therefore. The U.S. people. Will not stand. For these blatant human rights violations.” The United Nations Security Council have steadfastly withheld approval to use Tomahawk missiles on the insects, so special forces have assembled S.W.A.T. teams for immediate deployment. Beginning next week, they will covertly infiltrate the region, attempt to identify the fly leader, and eradicate the disease with lethal force if necessary.

AIRLINE PASSENGERS PAY FOR JET FUEL, CAPTAIN ASKS FIRST CLASS FOR DUCT TAPE PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Reporters agree, “This Anonymous guy fawkes everything up.” BY COREY BREIER

Staff Writer

his Tuesday, Internet activism group “Anonymous” successfully felled a local Christmas tree as part of their recent wave of activity, reportedly codenamed “Operation Hackmas.” This incident is only the latest of the group’s exploits, some of which have caused it to be labeled as a “terrorist internet hate machine.” Past exploits have included shutting down the websites of corrupt Middle Eastern governments, suspect corporations, and the Church of Scientology. In an unexpected move, the latest casualty has been a rather clean looking evergreen coniferous tree.

Given that Anonymous has no official leader, motivations for the latest attack remain unknown. Possible explanations, posted in various online videos, have included “a need for civil justice,” a response to past injustices and corruption in the coniferous family, and “for the lulz.” The Christmas tree in question is part of a small grove on the outskirts of the local hospital grounds, a grove which was the grooming project of groundskeeper Fred Maury. “I’ve been trimming that bunch in the corner all year” he said. “Kind of a pet project of mine, just keeping them nice and trimmed and healthy. I guess that’s why they chose it, because it was such a darned good looking tree. Now

that I think about it, I suppose that its good looks did cause that particular one to resemble Tom Cruise a bit, which would explain special attention on the part of Anonymous.” The group is prone to using distributed denial of service (DDOS) attacks to fell their websites, but it appears that in this case a simple hand axe was used. However, some rumors are circulating that a Dull Divider of Saplings was used in an attempt to stay true to form. Coincidentally, this is also the name of a mid level cutting implement in “World of Warcraft,” which would lend weight to the theory, given that WoW and Anonymous have overlapping user bases. Whether or not there were

any witnesses has been difficult to gauge, as anyone who submits an anonymous tip is immediately traced and taken in for questioning. Wishing to remain anonymous is seen by various government agencies as a gateway drug into fraternizing with Anonymous itself. Government attention and police interest is expected to be negligible compared to Anonymous’ usual actions. The tree was hacked down, but curiously not removed, and so charges are not being pressed. However, at least one policeman has interest in the case. “I might take it home to be my Christmas tree” Deputy Sheriff Norm MacDonald said, “Mr. Maury is right, it does kind of look like Tom Cruise. I loved ‘Risky Business!’”

LMFAO Becomes Apathetic, Only Shuffles Some Days

When passengers on a flight from New Delhi, India to Birmingham, England stopped in Vienna, Austria for a quick refuel, they didn’t suspect that they would be expected to foot the bill. Shocked and outraged at this situation, passenger Berry Quantas talked to reporters about his pilot: “I really thought Frank would have changed by now… making me pay for fuel!? He knows I can barely fuel my barbecue’s gas tank to cook my burgers at home.” But another passenger, who wishes to remain anonymous, states that she was “happy to give gas money to Frank.” When asked why, she

said, “I just really wanted to get out of Vienna. My ex-husband lives here.” After fuel money was collected, the pilot asked first class passengers if they had any duct tape to fix the plane’s left wing. The only first class passenger, Norman Charles, reportedly told Frank that the Transportation Security Administration took his five rolls of heavy duty black tape from him. He apologized dearly. When asked for a comment, the pilot said, “They expect me to fly them half way across the world and they don’t want to even chip in for gas. I guess you just don’t know who your friends are these days.”

BABY ACCUSER TO BIEBER: ‘I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE ALWAYS BE MINE.’ According to a Reuters report, Mariah Yeater was heard blasting Justin Bieber’s song “Baby” to her 3-month-old baby at her house late Monday night when reporters knocked on her door to ask about the loud music and the fact that she dropped her case against the teen superstar. The new mother responded, “Just because Justin Bieber does not want to accept the responsibility for fathering my beautiful baby boy doesn’t mean I don’t still like his music.” When asked about her history of mental conditions and

The

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criminal activity, Yeater invited reporters in and promptly produced her private journal. According to the journal, Yeater has a plan to file multiple paternity tests against celebrities within a six month period. Some of the celebrities on the list include Usher, T- Pain, Martin Scorsese, Matthew McConaughey, Barack Obama, and Lady Gaga. When questioned about her motives, she stated that she has come within fifty feet of all of these celebrities, and therefore they are all viable candidates in the search for her baby’s father.

The best seven years of your life.

MQ’S YOUR OWN

“ LMFAO has since announced that they plan to change their name to “Light Obligatory Chuckle.” BY RYAN GIBBS

Staff Writer

ecently, fans of electropop duo LMFAO have been in an uproar after the claim that the two have jumped the proverbial shark of their career. Following the release of their hit single “Party Rock Anthem,” in which the group indicates that they will spend every day shuffling, the duo has failed to live up to its promise. Since their inception, LMFAO has always prided itself on their dedication to their fans and operated on the premise that they are not only making music, but also a way of life. Whether or not that life is one that they should be promoting is up for debate.

Regardless, fans have always held the group’s members, RedFoo and SkyBlu to the highest of standards. “When they say that they’re going to do something, I expect them to do it” Jennifer Haldenworth, a self-claimed fan of LMFAO, said. RedFoo and SkyBlu have let this expectation fuel many of their songs, consistently pushing them to higher levels of partying and craziness. Their drive to satisfy their fans can, at times, be so extreme that it motivates them to fulfill promises that they would “drink all day” or be “in Miami, bitch.” However, the prospect of shufflin’ everyday quickly proved to be too difficult for the two to keep up with, even though medical profession-

als placed the two on highnutrition and energy diets to counteract the effects of their intense physical activity. At the peak of their shuffling, each artist was reportedly burning over 6,000 calories a day, and family members were becoming concerned for their health. This isn’t the first time that living up to their lyrics have caused health problems. Following the first live performance of their single, “Shots,” the duo was hospitalized after consuming multiple shots of various hard liquors in time with the lyrics of the chorus. “All they were saying as we were pumping their stomachs was ‘Everybody!’” their attending physician, Dr. Al Fleming, said. “We were drunk and there

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

were lots of people around. We just wanted to get their attention.” SkyBlu commented the next day from a bed in the recovery ward. At the end of a performance Friday evening, LMFAO announced that they would no longer be able to continue shuffling due to severe health issues caused by the nonstop dancing since the single’s release in late January. “I just don’t care anymore man,” RedFoo shouted. “I’m gonna shuffle when I want and that’s all, you know?” The lyrics to their hit single “Party Rock Anthem” in live performance have been changed to better reflect the new attitude of LMFAO. The lyric in question now reads, “Some days I be shufflin’.”

Rhinos,” you confidently say. You once had a pet rhino, before the zoo kicked you out. “Excellent,” she says, maniacally tapping her fingers to the tune of the big top theme. “Let us meet the beast.” You follow her minions into the backstage cages, where you see what has to be the second saddest rhino you have ever laid eyes upon. You can’t go through with this show. That would be unethical. You grab a nearby rope and lasso the rhino, then command him to charge. He bowls over the circus freaks as though they were much smaller than him, and the two of you are free. But the strongman is after you, as are his herd of gazelles. No time to think, you head for the first form of transportation you can find. It’s a hot air balloon. Still, you and the rhino jump inside. It’s not until you’re nearly 100 feet in the air that you realize such a conveyance wasn’t made for your combined weight. Maybe if you’d watched the apple turnovers, fatass. Still, you’ll have to make a decision. One of you is jumping. Who should it be? You, or him? I’ll sacrifice myself for this majestic beast, you think.

No you won’t, idiot. Kick him out of the balloon! Turn to Backpage #5

“No thanks,” you reply. Something doesn’t feel right about that man, and besides, you have magic to do! You pack up your cups and pebble hoping to find a better location. As you’re walking, you bump into a sweater-clad gentleman who mumbles “sorry” and checks to make sure you and your possessions were not harmed. This man is American! Surely he can help you find your way home. “Wait, come back,” you say, turning and grabbing him roughly by the shoulder. “I need to get back to America. Can you help me?” “America?” he says, “Of course!” This stranger’s politeness is a bit off-putting, but at this point you’re so grateful to be going home that you don’t mind. He works for the embassy, and can put you on a plane home. Six hours later, you awaken to hear, “Welcome to Manitoba.” Manitoba? Isn’t that the capital of of Wisconsin? But as you follow your fellow Americans off the plane, your worst fears are realized: You’re in Canada! “Why didn’t I get in the limo?” you ask yourself, every slow, painful day of the rest of your life.

You look uncertainly at the cracked window and then down at the pebble in your hands. “Snatch this pebble...” you begin, but trail off and only mutter a quiet “grasshopper” to yourself. The limo driver is getting more impatient by the minute, if you are properly interpreting the repeated “make a decision, already” coming from its interior. You begin to decline, but at that moment you see a man in a bear costume running down the road, and you’ve never been that comfortable with the gay scene. You hurriedly gather your possessions from the sidewalk and hitch the shotgun just a little closer to your crotch. You’re glad you’re not going in unarmed. With no further ado, you step into the limo. “Ouch,” you say. “I should have opened the door first.” You open the door this time, and a smoky dark interior welcomes you. Taking a seat inside, you look at your new host with so many questions. Who is he? Where is he taking you? What’s the exchange rate? But those questions will have to wait for another time You see, dear reader, every ending is but the beginning of something new, and I’m sure you’ll find that stepping into this limo has created quite the new adventure for you. Hope it’s a good one.

If you came here because you were directed to in order to find an ending to your story, go to the corresponding ending. If you came here and have no idea what you are reading, go to the front page and read “Nancy’s Adventures in Sweden” from the beginning.

You find yourself reading the back page of The MQ. Your temporary amnesia is preventing you from knowing whether you were lead to the endings by following “Nancy’s Adventures in Sweden” throughout the paper or if you came here by accident not knowing that you’re about to ruin the story before you even start it. At this point, your memory is slowly returning and you begin to remember your reasons for turning to backpage.

Illustrations By Hannah Weil

Choose Your Own Ending

Thinking quickly, you begin to forcefully shove the rhino out of the hot air balloon. Man, that’s a big rhino. It is not moving. Like, at all. What’s more, it seems you’ve enraged the rhino. The last place you want to be with an enraged rhino is a Turkish bath house! But this situation is a close second. The rhino blows air forcefully from its nostrils. Hallelujah! The hot air balloon rises a few feet. “Good rhino,” you say, patting his flank. “Who’s the best rhino in the air right now?” He doesn’t dignify that with a response. You’re safe now, you think, but this is not the case. Without warning, the rhino shifts his position, cruelly knocking you from the balloon. Never fear! You’ve been holding on to his tail this whole time. “You’re coming down with me, big boy,” you say, ripping the rhino from the balloon. Somehow, your falling bodies become entangled, and you look deeply into the one eye that you can see. “Well,” you say. “If we’re going to die, we may as well enjoy these last few seconds together.” It seems to be working. He notices you. He violently head butts you. At least now you won’t feel the crash.

“Give me my fortune,” you say. You’re probably outside of the blast radius anyway. He shakes the ball again as a mischievous smile grows on his face. “Ask the audience,” it says. “Ah, screw it. I’m a Creole medicine man! I don’t need any of this stupid consumer-manufactured magic. Want to know your real future?” Before you have a chance to respond he pulls a bag of chili powder out of his pocket and throws it at you. “The spirits are strong within you, indeed. But something is telling me that you are not actually the sous chef that I ordered for tonight.” You hesitate, unsure how to respond to his fairly accurate allegation. “Do you know what happened to the last poor son of a bitch who tried to sneak their way into my kitchen?” He is clearly offended by your presence and you begin to reach for your shotgun, but not before he grabs a mixed seasoning blend and throws it at you. The effect is instantaneous. Before you can say “Reach for the sky and say hello to my little friend,” you black out and are left in a vegetative state for the remainder of your days. There are not many of those. The chef grins and pulls out a paring knife and dices your new carroty self into small pieces, and then throws you into the stew he’s been preparing. “I sure hope another CIA agent sneaks in,” he says. “This could really use some turnips.”

“Knives,” you say confidently. You were the second best knife thrower in your elementary school, after all. “That’s great,” she says, after you share that autobiographical detail. “There’s no time to practice, you’ll have to go on right away. But congratulations, you’re our new headliner.” She shoves you on stage, where you take a bow, and then a look at the frightened young child shackled to the makeshift knife board. Your midget assistant leads you to the throwing board, where he instructs you to stand. But wait, there’s a twist. Instead of throwing one knife, the crowd expects you to throw all of them! “I can do this,” you think, and let loose with a majestic throw. The child winces, then smiles! You see, what no one told you is that those knives you threw were boomerang knives. The crowd cheers, and as your chilling fate becomes clear, they let out shocked gasps. You can see that clown woman smiling in the corner. Maybe in another life, you think. Hopefully there is one. Too scared to move, you watch as the knives come at you, one by one in a group, slowly piercing your flesh. You begin to feel faint, and then nothing. The crowd, cheering loudly, is the last thing you hear.

You can feel the life draining from your frail body. This is the end. So many things you didn’t get to do. But, at 80, surrounded by your loving, caring Stockholm mafia family, it doesn’t seem quite so bad. “Come to me,” you tell your oldest nephew. “You’re the American now. Keep the family together. Learn to speak English, god damn it.” To your dear, dear son Jørgenjan, you leave your beloved shotgun. “It’s never been fired,” you say. You’ve always preferred the heft of semiautomatics, to be honest. “Keep it close to you always.” Lastly, you turn to your husband, Lars, and gaze upon his once-chiseled chest. “Jag älskar dig,” you whisper, tears forming in your eyes. It was this man who so many years ago was able to break you free from your former life of upstanding citizenship and introduce you to the darkest underbelly of Swedish society. He grunts. Your eyes close for the last time as you feel the darkness begin to slowly envelope you. It was a good life.

You dash triumphantly out on to the stage, nearly running over the stack of Nobel Prizes waiting to be presented. “That was a close one,” you say, picking one of them up. “I’m feeling awful heroic. Better get me one of those now.” With no further ado, you rush into the spotlight. There’s a bit of shocked silence, which is perfect since you can hear that telltale tick, tick, tick. You’re nervous, you realize. Your heart is beating really loudly. As you attempt to control your heart rate, you realize that the sound is not coming from your heart after all, but rather the strange cluster of wires located on the backside of the presenter’s podium. Boy is that a relief. You head over and dig through the tangle of microphone cables to see a pipe bomb. Using super-secret CIA methods, you quickly diffuse it and turn to face the excited crowd. There’s even an adorable old man coming toward you for a hug. You open your arms wide to receive it when you feel a pinch. “That’s for stealing my prize, bitch,” he manages out of his shaking old man mouth. “Don’t drink any fluids now, you hear?” You’ve just been injected with the 1918 Spanish Flu! You turn to the crowd, take a bow, and slowly, slowly begin to die. Probably.

You pull out your shotgun from its skilfully hidden location, making Chekhov proud. “Die, you piece of scum,” you mutter between clenched teeth. “Why aren’t you dying?” As you move your eyes away from your target, you see that everyone else is staring at you. You laugh nervously. “Come on guys,” you say. “Let’s talk about it.” But they’re Swedish, so they don’t understand that it was all just some misunderstanding. You keep talking, hoping against hope that somewhere, someone will listen. And give you a gun that shoots more bullets. But the first enemy bullet is already slicing through your calf. You can see that they’re going to do this slowly. You cry out in a slow-motion flurry of syllables. This is not how you imagined it would end. Not like this. Never in Sweden. And probably not with a bunch of guns either. But you realize, as the blood flows from multiple holes in your body, that this ending was really quite inevitable. I mean, what did you expect would happen though if you pulled out your gun around all these people, you idiot?

November 30, 2011 theMQ.com Page 16