The MQ Volume 18 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

February 8, 2012

I have this fear of clowns, so I think that if I surround myself with them it will ward off all evil.

— Newt Gingrich, on his running mates

The best things in life are free. Also, so is this.

Kim Jong-un Drafts New Constitution, Eats It

Volume XVIII Issue IV

IN THIS ISSUE VOICE IN RICK PERRY’S HEAD NOT ACTUALLY GOD

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TITANIC RELEASED IN 4D, AUDIENCE DROWNS

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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO THE MQ

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ITALIAN CRUISE LINE OFFERS UNDERWATER TOURS GOODY’S SELLS ALL FOUR CONDOMS

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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

While many North Koreans cannot stomach the new government, Kim Jong-un is certainly not one of them.

BY JOSHUA BIDWELL

A

Copy Editor

fter his succession to the North Korean seat of power last December, Supreme Leader Kim Jongun, along with the Supreme People’s Assembly, has finally drafted a new constitution that would theoretically give

rights to the populace of North Korea. Unfortunately for the impoverished nation, it has been reported that the supreme leader has since eaten the 200-page legislation.

Due to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s extreme isolationism, little is known about the actual document, other than the fact that

it is likely now located somewhere in the jowls and possibly the thighs of the supreme leader. While some praise the drafting of the new constitution as “a step in the right direction,” many others have been quick to criticize the now-digested legislation, saying that it is probable that the constitution was nothing but

propaganda aimed at the population of North Korea.

“Look, we know that the new constitution probably wasn’t perfect,” sixth year UCSD political science student Trina Kim told reporters.

“Sure, the only thing that we

See KIM, page 2

Broke UCSD Students Can’t Wait to Shell Out for Sports

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

“I’m all for the fee increases,” this student said, “But sportball is way more difficult when you’re missing an arm and a leg.”

BY BRIAN DAMP

O

Editor-in-Chief

n February 27, students will vote on a referendum that would increase student activity fees by over $165 per quarter in order to move the University of California, San Diego’s athletic teams to NCAA Division I. Although in recent years the campus has regularly protested fee hikes, much of the student body is raring for the opportunity to voluntarily double their activity fees.

“Ever since Sprinkles started doing free cupcake promos, I’ve had more disposable income than I know what to do with.” Sixth College senior Andrew Capp reports. “I’ve been pledging to CALPIRG and Greenpeace as often as I can, but the extra cash keeps piling up! Thank goodness this referendum came along or I’d have a positive balance in my savings account by now.”

He elaborated, “I know that increasing student fees during a statewide budget crisis is the smart thing to do. Just

imagine! We could go to games and watch our beloved Tritons struggle to compete with the best! I’m talking the likes of UC Davis, Cal State Northridge! All the big names!”

“Only $165 per quarter?”

Thurgood Marshall College sophomore Daniel Norris said.

“What’s that get you these days, anyway? Three-fourths of an Organic Chemistry textbook?”

He added, “I’d be happy to part with a few dozen pounds of pocket change it if it meant helping the world-renowned Triton golf team. Those blue

and gold argyle sweater vests aren’t cheap.”

Transfer student Alex Mitchell said, “When I decided to attend UCSD, I had one thing in mind: sports! I think everyone else here feels the same way. In future job interviews, employers won’t care about what you learned in college nearly as much as they care about how your alma mater performed in March Madness. In a few decades, UCSD might be able to advance beyond the first round!”

Revelle College freshman Tiffany Chen is in support of the fee hike. “Having the UC Regents raise our tuition fees by 9.6 percent last year was an outrage,” she said. “But it’s totally different if I choose to bleed my savings dry! I’m already drowning under $30,000 in student loans. What’s another $500 per year?”

University Athletic Director Edward Earloff is unsurprisingly in favor of the referendum as well. “We’re just brimming with spectators at our athletics events as it is. Imagine how school spirit will soar when everyone’s invested their last dollar in the best athletes money can bribe. Attendance could reach into the hundreds!”

When asked if the amount of the increase was perhaps a bit overzealous Earloff replied, “If you want to be in it to win it, you’ve got to pay to play. I read that on a fortune cookie once.”

TIGHT END LEADS TEAM TO VICTORY

SPIRIT WEEK DEEMED “SLAM DUNK”

Bradshaw drives hard from rear for final push.

Students still not sure what basketballs look like.

KOMEN FOUNDATION ABORTS PLANNED PARENTHOOD FUNDING An innocuous science presentation to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation went horribly wrong last Tuesday when Senior Vice President for Public Policy Karen Handel learned that fetuses are located in the uterus. This came as a huge shock to Handel, whose entire Komen career was born of her firm dedication to helping women with pregnant breast cancer.

“I’ve always been an avid believer in the rights of the fetus, so naturally I took great strides to provide breast cancer screenings for anyone who needed them,” Handel

explained last Tuesday.

“Imagine my horror when I learned that breast cancer screenings don’t serve to protect precious life at all!”

Handel quickly took the necessary actions of canceling Komen’s breast cancer screening funding to Planned Parenthood, which she had previously mistaken for a health care-providing organization. The funding was returned two days later, after another innocuous science presentation informed Handel that even though cancerous breasts don’t have babies in them, they are attached to women.

AT LAST SINGER ETTA JAMES IS DEAD Infamous soul singer Etta James, best known for her song “At Last” and for being a generally unlikeable person, kicked the bucket on January 20, and mankind couldn’t be happier to hear the news.

“The old biddy finally bit the big one!” her publicist Lupe De Leon announced.

“She’s been circling the drain for what feels like years now.

We all thought for sure the heroin addiction would have done her in ages ago, but she just wouldn’t keel over.

Thank god for leukemia!”

Aretha Franklin, a longtime rival of James, received the news that day with remarkable joviality. “She’s dead? That decrepit hag? Are you sure? Is she getting cremated? Let’s make sure that happens. I’d like to rule out any possibility that this is just a coma.”

Funeral organizers are expecting big crowds at the service, as one stated: “It’s going to be quite a big bash!

A lot of people are going to want personal closure on this matter.”

TRAMPOLINES TO END POVERTY, SADNESS Last week, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich announced to his supporters that he has developed a foolproof plan to “bounce the American people out of poverty.”

On the heels of yet another Mitt Romney gaffe, former Speaker of the House Gingrich took the opportunity to snatch some of the newly undecided Republican base.

When asked what inspired this plan, Gingrich asked reporters: “Have you ever bounced on an above ground swimming pool-sized trampoline? There is literally no way you can’t smile.”

It is still not apparent how exactly these gigantic trampolines will bounce people above the poverty line, but

Gingrich is confident that his time spent working closely with former president Ronald Reagan has prepared him for dealing with the nuisances of his proposed plan.

“I mean if Reagan has shown me anything, it’s how to jettison poor youngsters into the air and the future.” Gingrich announced in his 80 millionth consecutive debate.

However, this plan failed to win him the support of the Nevada caucus, due to their heavy reliance on snowboarding and skiing to jettison the poor. But he may stand a chance to revive his campaign in Maine, where trampoline shortages have become a pivotal issue.

See BRIEFS, page 11

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February 8, 2012

theMQ.com

Obese Children Announce War on Michelle Obama

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Kim

actually know about it is that it was eaten. But hey, look at the bright side! The fact that it was eaten means that it was written down on paper, which shows that the infamous ‘paper is a weapon of oppression from the weak and inferior West’ ban that was placed by Kim Jong-il back in the 1980s has probably been lifted!”

When asked about the possibility that only the North Korean government has access to paper, Kim simply stated, “Whoa, look at the time! I’ve got to finish my MMW2 assignment,” and ran away.

Criticizing the document, prominent South Korean journalist Song Kyung-hoon told reporters: “Ever since he took power in North Korea, the new supreme leader has wasted no time in releasing massive amounts of propaganda in an attempt to upstage his father’s legacy of unchecked insanity. It’s likely that he took this opportunity to draft a ‘constitution’ full of propaganda to cement his name into North Korean ‘history.’”

To prove her point, the journalist presented two pieces of recent propaganda leaked across the border, one claiming: “North Korea defeated the West in the space race to conquer the sun,” and the other saying that “Kim Jongun invented the light bulb,” a technology estimated to arrive in North Korea for the first time in late 2015.

“Kim Jong-un has some big shoes to fill,” Song went on to say. “Actually, really small ladies’ shoes. And they probably won’t fit ... Kim Jong-un’s feet are pretty bloated.”

The lack of comment from the North Korean government has left the international community baffled on the legislation that could have proved to be the largest change in North Korean government since the division of the peninsula in 1945.

Although many people have argued over the content of the constitution, most agree that it was probably the most nutritious meal eaten in the country in over 40 years.

TOP TEN

Reasons a Sloth Could Win the GOP Primary PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

First lady Michelle Obama planned to defend the White House by pouring boiling oil on these children, but the fatty substance did not meet her new nutritional standards.

BY ALISON GILCHRIST

A

Staff Writer

fter lifetimes of being scorned, ridiculed, and made to waddle after proffered donuts for sport, America’s obese children have banded together in order to confront their true enemy: Michelle Obama.

According to a press release from America’s Obese Children for Obesity, Obama has been the cause of more traumatizing events in obese children’s lives than the Great Oreo Famine of 2007, the closing of that In-N-Out on First Street, and the rising popularity of “vegetable chips” combined.

“When I heard she was planning to start a White House vegetable garden, I started to cry,” Vice President Jillian Giacomo said. “What’s

next, a White House apple tree? A White House carrot bush? What are they trying to do to us?”

In response to the alleged atrocities, A.O.C.O. has declared war on Michelle Obama. A battle squad dubbed the “Fatty Fighters” has been created with the aim to fight against the slim, liberal elite’s propaganda.

The war has already experienced setbacks, despite being in its infancy. Many of the children who were moved to sign up for the noble cause found that they lacked the motivation to attend the mandatory training sessions. Most complained of “sweating” and “discomfort” after attempting to leave the couch.

“I was really psyched to be in the Fatty Fighters,” Timmy McCoy said. “But when I finally managed to stand up,

I realized I couldn’t see my feet and had to sit back down.

It must be the bird flu. That causes hallucinations, right?”

There has also been some discontent over the name choice of the brigade, many children objecting to the term “fatty.”

“That word has historically been used to belittle us and make us feel as if we are somehow worth less than small-boned people, when in actuality we should be valued far more in today’s marketplace,” Kevin Ballaster said.

“My mom always told me I equated to at least three of my friends.”

Other names for the squad have been suggested, such as “Beefy Bruisers,” “Husky Harmers,” and “HeJust-Hasn’t-Lost-His-PuppyFat-Yet Yellers,” but so far the committee has yet to settle on

a permanent change.

When asked to comment, Michelle Obama was unrepentant.

“Those little turds?”

Obama said. “If they can manage to get off their lardy asses and roll their way down here, I’ll give them a piece of my mind. Just because I’m telling them not to stuff their fat faces with cheeseburgers doesn’t give them the excuse to spoil my perfect lawn with their gargantuan Croc-clad feet.”

Whether or not the training schedule will be completed as planned remains to be seen, as 75 percent of the Fatty Fighters neglected to show up during the first week. The remaining 25 percent claimed asthma attacks and asked to sit down, whereupon they promptly pulled out snack cakes and watched the festivities for the remaining hour.

10. Slow to change 9. There are amusing videos of it on YouTube 8. Clearly knows the most about government 7. Has three toes to count on 6. Less slimy than a Newt 5. Good at clinging to party platform 4. Has fewer sexual harassment scandals 3. Promises to bring back hanging 2. Has more cognitive function than Ronald Reagan in his second term 1. Hates gays Do you actually read our paper?

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Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Managing Editor.....................Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Copy Donahue Associate Content Editor................Jessi Carr Associate Content Editor.................Zac Hann Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Assistant Design Editor.......Joshua Malkinson Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo Distribution Lieutanant............Hilary Morefield

Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant to the Graphics Editor...Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Events Coordinator....................Monica Bhide Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le Assistant Web Editor......................Ben Steen Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Quarterback............................Tommy Wiseau

Staff Members Sam Bartleman Jack Beegan Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Garrett Chan Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cait Cibulsky

Cassidy Curl Janine Davis Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Stephanie Fairbairn Alison Gilchrist Brooke Gorin Andrew Hansen Avi Kabani

Marina Karastamatis Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda

Penny Renard Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Ifs, ands, and butts. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2011 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor in Chief of the MQ. Four down, two to go. Considering we were competing with FOOSH, the Super Bowl, and The Room this weekend, I am surprised we’re done by three. Credit goes to outstanding staff members and all the effort they put in this weekend. Special thanks to Jessi for making content magic happen, and thanks to Jeff for balancing design and her crappy lab project. I hope that turns out well. I’m finally 21! If you need me, I’ll be at the pub before meetings getting looser than a dancing panda tied to a stick.

Booster Club Too many things to thank people for this time, so I’m just going to give names: Rosa, Bora, Danger Josh, Josh Marxen, Hannah, Jessi, Eunah, Robin, Hilary, Jack, Ryan, Ariana, Avi. Thank you all for your food/dining dollar contributions! They were greatly appreciated.

Also, a big thanks to MCC for the extra dough! I swear we’re good for it.

February 8, 2012

theMQ.com

Page 3

Coors Defeats Budweiser in Superbowl Upset

BY JESSI CARR

Associate Content Editor

W

ith a 21-17 victory Sunday evening, the Coors Brewing Companies — the definite underdog — defeated the Anheuser-Busch Budweisers in what many analysts are calling the sporting upset of the millennium.

“Sure, Coors is good, and they’ve proven that,” former football coach and commentator John Madden explained, “But they just don’t have all the franchise power and history behind them that Budweiser does. I mean, this is the team that has created so many iconic Super Bowl plays. Who could forget the heartwarming baby Clydesdale of ‘06 or the often-imitated-but-never-duplicated ‘Wassup’ from 2000?”

The commercial itself, a two-minute cinematic masterpiece according to critics and bloggers from around the world, featured many key elements crucial to Super Bowl victories past, including trained animals, cameos by Ben Stiller, Betty White, Janet Jackson’s nipple, and gratuitous slow-motion action.

“While I’ve got to admit that I’ve never been that big of a Coors fan, I loved their commercial Sunday afternoon,” ESPN SportsCenter anchor John Anderson raved.

“It was heartwarming, funny, suspenseful, dramatic, and managed to tell a story of Shakespearean quality in the time that it normally takes me to refill my plate with Buffalo wings and chili-cheese fries.”

Reactions from the team itself have been appropriately ecstatic.

“I’m going to Disneyworld!” Coors’ creative director and head coach Mike Mitchell exclaimed at the post-game press conference.

TOP TEN

Downsides to World Peace 10. Call of Duty franchise focuses on community outreach 9. Protesters now campaign for world quiet 8. Killing in the name of Christ no longer acceptable 7. Government won’t sponsor all-expenses paid trips to foreign countries 6. Lack of incentive to compete brings science, medicine, technology, Dancing With the Stars to a halt 5. Michael Bay now intentionally makes comedies 4. “5,000 nukes and we only got to use two?”

3. Political science majors have to study actual science 2. Unfortunately coupled with death of every human being 1. Canada is now a major world power

Jon Huntsman Discovered to Be Actual Person PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

Coors Light may not have the bulk of the heavier players, or the taste of superior beers.

“I’m so proud of my boys.

The cameramen, sound techs, even our on-site fluffers have all been putting in overtime on the training field and editing room, and it really shows this year.”

The press conference was cut short when Coors executive producer Steve Huggins and offensive lineman Shane Williams showered Mitchell with a second cooler of Gatorade, the winner of the 2004 Super Bowl, unintentionally cutting out all power at the conference.

The players and coaches aren’t the only ones affected by this victory. Keeping in the tradition of friendly Super Bowl bets between heads of competing companies, Anheuser-Busch CEO Dave Peacock must now film himself doing a keg stand of some Coors Light and upload the video to YouTube, as well as shave his head.

While the actual betting contract between Peacock and Coors CEO Peter Swinburn has not been released to the public, reports indicate

that if Budweiser had won, Swinburn would have had to fulfill his end of the bet by downing a 40 of Bud Ice without urinating or vomiting.

Reports show that viewers who watched the game primarily for the once-famous Super Bowl football breaks decreased sharply from previous years. “I used to find it very entertaining,” viewer Candace Alexander complained, “But now it’s like they just keep doing the same things every year.

Where’s the creativity?”

McDonald’s Announces Nine Course, $300 Tasting Menu Desperate Attempt to Win Michelin Star

PHOTO BY DYLAN BLACKIE

After discovering he was a real person, the Chinese government apologized and let Jon Huntsman leave the museum.

BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

O

They may have improved the menu, but the shame diners feel is still the same.

BY JOSHUA MALKINSON Assistant Design Editor

R

estaurant giant McDonald’s announced plans Sunday to open two new franchise locations — one in the Napa Valley, the other in New York — which will serve haute cuisine. This is presumed to be a bid to expand the company’s core demographic beyond the young, the drunk, and of course, tourists in countries where everything else is “a bit weird.”

After the company’s humble beginnings in 1940 on the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond, selling traditional Scottish food made from ancient recipes of the McDonald clan, it was decided that they would relocate to the USA and sell something that might possibly be marketable. The business model has been phenomenally suc-

cessful, with sales figures for the last quarter showing they served 74 million customers per minute, at over three convenient locations.

When asked why they were branching out when already such a dominant force, a spokesman for the board of directors replied at a press conference last Friday: “We think we can provide a unique spin on modern fine dining and compete with the greats: Thomas Keller’s The French Laundry, Eric Ripert’s Le Bernardin, and the Burger King’s Burger King.”

Quizzed further about the motivation for expansion, he replied, “It’s time for a new challenge, a revitalisation, if you will. We’ve gone as far as we can selling highly addictive, unhealthy substances to children. Anything containing more stimulating chemicals than a Happy Meal and we start to encounter legal is-

sues, so we really have to start looking at other markets.”

The move has divided the “foodie” blogosphere, some of whom are hopeful that this signals a new era for fast food. The majority, however, remain unconvinced. The new menu — a set tasting menu, designed to take the diner on a culinary journey of flavors, textures and aromas — has been criticized heavily by restaurant critic Loraine Thetford as “money for old rope.”

She cites the fifth course, “a fresh-pressed beef round, on a bed of iceberg lettuce shreds, topped by a slice of the finest American cheese food product, drizzled in Thousand Island dressing and pickle juice, nestled between two baked, wheat-kernel buns,” ����������������� ���������������� as a prime example of “the lipstick-on-a-pig approach to menu writing.”

Celebrity chefs have also

PHOTO BY ROSA CHO

weighed in on the development. Gordon Ramsey was first in line with “What a load of fucking bollocks, they’re all dicks. Arse! Did I remember to say bollocks?”

Anthony Bourdain, author of “Kitchen Confidential,” renowned for his gritty, street-style of food writing, has described the new menu as “the culinary equivalent of a two-dollar hooker smuggling cocaine across the border.” No one is sure whether he means this as an insult or compliment, or for that matter, why he brought drugs and prostitution into it at all.

A selection of the company’s best line cooks have been sent for further training in Paris, where they will be taught how to plate courses on crockery instead of polystyrene, and reminded that they must always ask customers if they would like frites au francais with that.

n Monday, January 16, former Ambassador Jon Huntsman announced that he would be ending his presidential campaign. The announcement caused much controversy amongst conservative voters, who were startled and outraged to find that there was a candidate named Jon Huntsman.

Following the announcement, an investigation was conducted at the Harvard Political Science Department.

It confirmed that Jon Huntsman is a real human being, and not just a reanimated lump of lion feces with extra makeup, as was the case with Michelle Bachmann.

While Huntsman formally announced his bid for the presidency just over six months ago, he failed to ever attract a strong following, probably due to his surprisingly reasonable views on many issues.

“He just didn’t connect with the voters,” Matt David, Huntsman’s campaign manager, said. “Today’s Republican is looking for someone who has much more extreme and absurd stances. Go ahead, try Googling ‘Huntsman,’ see what comes up. Nothing.

That’s not the kind of publicity the American people want from their president.”

In December, a Gallup poll asked voters whether or not they had heard of Huntsman.

Almost everyone ignored the poll, assuming that it was a mistake. Out of the two responses recorded, 50 percent said, “No,” and 50 percent said,

“I am Jon Huntsman.”

As Huntsman dropped out, he officially endorsed Mitt Romney. Romney thanked him for the endorsement, though he was slightly confused, noting that usually only prominent political figures endorse candidates, not random people off the street.

The confusion became so extreme that many members of the Tea Party have abandoned the maxim “Who is John Galt?” and replaced it with the now much more relatable, “Who is Jon Huntsman?”

Throughout the debates, Huntsman had resorted to more and more abstract techniques to attract attention, until in the most recent debate, he answered every question with “Two of my eight wives are Chinese.” Despite this, the debate moderators have continued their usual practice of referring to him as “Number Six,” and the majority of the media attention is usually distributed among the other candidates according to their head size.

“I’m just annoyed he decided to end his campaign right as people actually begin to learn who he is,” one anonymous New Hampshire voter said. “Now that I know he’s a person, I would’ve gladly voted for him, considering the fact that he isn’t any of the other candidates.”

Since Huntsman formally ended his campaign, his numbers in the polls have surged dramatically, due to the fact that he now has numbers. Inspired by his success, both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are considering ending their campaigns to boost their followings.

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February 8, 2012

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Voice in Rick Perry’s Head Not Actually God

POINT

All the Good Men Are Gay

BY SARAH ADDISON Hopelessly Desperate

I

t’s just not fair, you know?

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and everywhere I go stores and commercials and random people on Library Walk are telling me that I need a boyfriend right now! They clearly don’t understand how hard it is to find a good man these days who actually appreciates these lady parts.

I keep meeting all these men at cafes and bookstores and we seem to hit it off great talking about our love for art and those little paper umbrellas that come with piña coladas. But what do you know, after three dates I always end up finding out that not only do we share an interest in Brad Pitt’s portrayal of Tyler Durden, but also in his incredible six pack.

And of course any time you see a man with incredible hair, properly moisturized skin, or a glowing white smile, you can kiss your chances goodbye. Same with

a man who knows his cargos from his corduroys. All they’ll do is take you on a wild roller coaster of emotion, sensitivity, and platonic love, only to leave you high and dry when you sneak into their bedroom and cover yourself with rose petals and chocolate sauce.

I guess this means that once again, I’ll have to spend this Valentine’s Day getting drunk at a bar and waiting for the next bro with Truck Nutz to slip me a roofied Mai Tai while I cry over a picture of Neil Patrick Harris. Oh well.

At least I’m not married. God, that would be horrible.

COUNTERPOINT

All the Good Men Are Straight “No one has the heart to tell him that iron isn’t even plugged in,” an aide said.

BY JACK BEEGAN

L

Staff Writer

ast Tuesday, an aide from Rick Perry’s campaign revealed that the voice which told Perry to run for president is not, in fact, God, but instead the result of a brain tumor that the current governor of Texas has lived with for a remarkable amount of time. “The Lord, in his ultimate wisdom, would need a sick sense of humor to command that train wreck,” the aide said. “Sicker than the time he almost got that one guy to kill his own son.”

Members of Perry’s staff said the ambitious tumor had hopes of emulating such powerful ailments as Reagan’s dementia, Coolidge’s Great Depression — which, of course,

lasted longer than his presidency — and Dick Cheney.

However, pundits agree that such goals were unrealistic and many are surprised the tumor made it this far.

One such person is Republican strategist Thomas Foster, who told reporters, “That tumor is lucky to be fighting sodomy and executing mentally-retarded convicts down in Texas.”

The tumor has recently stirred up controversy within the medical community.

Some classify it as benign, stating that if it kills anyone, it only kills Rick Perry. Others have called it malignant, citing its violent tendencies and its standing as the second most influential growth in the country.

Texas’ gubernatorial

growth is believed to be the reason for much of Perry’s behavior, especially his war against coyotes, which culminated in the governor’s murder of an unarmed coyote just two years ago. Reports indicate the former candidate called the conflict a “crusade against the gays of the animal world” and meticulously vetted his staff for any pro-coyote sympathies.

Perry’s mid-January withdrawal from the race came after a series of gaffes that illustrated the tumor’s many weaknesses, chief among them debates, any sort of foreign policy knowledge, and the inability to appear sober in front of an audience.

Perry’s withdrawal from the election leaves the Republican Party with fewer

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

BY ANDY CARLE

options. Now, they must choose between noted sociopath Mitt Romney, paranoid schizophrenic Newt Gingrich, apparent Alzheimer’s patient Ron Paul, and the hyper-delusional Rick Santorum.

In order to raise awareness for those afflicted by politically ambitious brain tumors, supporters have come together to establish the Rick Perry Foundation which sells bracelets bearing the words “Kill Strong.”

“It’s a nice play on ‘Live Strong,’ and if you knew him like I do, what with how excited he gets before executions, you’d know Rick isn’t really a fan of life,” Anita Perry, the first lady of Texas, said. “It really captures his spirit, you know?

I think he’s very proud.”

SOPA Stalled, Spanish-Speaking Americans Demand Soup

BY VIVIAN PATE

I

just don’t know what a guy like me is supposed to do!

Love is in the air everywhere, yet all I can ever seem to find are men who only want me, as a guy, to drink beer and watch football with. None of them ever seem to want to be something more to me, a man who will be there with me for better or for worse. Is it really too much to ask for a man who will buy me a drink because he appreciates my smile and not because he lost a bet?

Whenever a woman comes over here the guys go crazy no matter what she’s wearing, yet they never seem to notice when I wear my nice polo shirt to impress them. It can be so frustrating sometimes. All I want is for Tom or Jose or Eric to smile at me, but all I ever end up getting are bro-fists.

And no, not the naughty kind.

All my friends seem to have these cute stories about meeting their dream men at the park or a coffee shop just by hanging out all the time until that someone special catches their eye. I’ve been trying so hard to do that, but it just isn’t working for some reason. Maybe I need to try someplace new.

Maybe I should stop spending every Sunday at Hooters.

TOP FIFTEEN Similarities Between UCSD Libraries and Your Love Life

Staff Writer

H

aving faced countless protests, lawmakers recently decided to shelve the Stop Online Piracy Act, popularly known as SOPA, a law that could have potentially censored the internet. While some breathed a sigh of temporary relief, Mexican-Americans seemed to be very disappointed with the decision.

“First they say we’re getting sopa (soup), then they say ‘maybe later,’” angered citizen Ricky Fernandez said.

“It’s not like we were expecting anything fancy like clam chowder. We would’ve gladly taken chicken noodle.”

Fernandez was one of the many angered people displaying “Bring Back Our SOPA” signs at the protest last Wednesday in downtown San Diego. When informed about the acronym for “Stop Online Piracy Act” and its irrelevance to the Spanish word for soup, many protesters were apathetic.

“What do I care about the interweb? My brother-in-law Chichi has an internet cafe, so I can just use that to check my Myspaces and download all of my telenovelas,” Fernandez said. “My favorite is ‘Lágrimas de Putas (translation censored by editors). You know, it’s like CSI but I can watch it with my babe because it’s got all of that romantic drama, too.”

Some protesters admit that they had originally come to protest the online piracy act, but after having spoken with other adamant pro-SOPA ac-

Desperately Hopeless

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“This tomato gg is to die for.” One demonstrator said. “ggggg has never reminded so much of home.” tivists like Ricky Fernandez, they were soon convinced of a more imperative cause. “You know, I came down here to raise awareness about SOPA but these guys really do have a point,” one protestor said.

“Where is the free soup? Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had soup to go with my crackers? Always the crackers, never soup! It’s been long enough, dammit.”

Towards the end of the day, the energy of the protest began to settle just as quickly as it had begun. There were promises made to write state legislators about the demand for soup.

There was even talk about a march on Washington, yet by 4 p.m. the majority of people had gone home, promising to “maybe blog about it later.”

Ricky Fernandez, who turned out to be one of the

most influential members of the movement, was also looking for better things.

“Listen, we came here for sopa, and yet we’re leaving without it,” he said. “Besides, Chichi just sent me a bunch of menjajes de textos, saying there’s a tea party rally going on somewhere. I don’t know what’s so upsetting about a nice cup of hot tea, but hey, count me in!”

15. Constantly getting shut down by the administration 14. Reminds you a lot of Dr. Seuss 13. It’s usually just you and your computer 12. Always get paranoid when you have to go to the bathroom 11. Only has eight stories and the third one doesn’t really exist 10. Nothing is open when you need it the most 9. There are only naked people in it once a quarter 8. A lot of people smoke cigarettes afterward 7. You only go there when your professor makes you 6. A lot of sleeping people 5. Everything you check out is old and beat up 4. Thought you would spend a lot of time with it in college, but you don’t 3. Lost your card after the first time 2. Old people love taking tours 1. Your unpredictable orgasms make it uncomfortable for everyone around you

theMQ.com

February 8, 2012

Page 5

Titanic Released in 4D, Audience Drowns

UCSD Gives in to Protest Before It Happens

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

Chancellor Marye Anne Fox also made her first public appearance since beginning the Chancellor’s 5K last fall.

BY CODY DONAHUE

“My heart will go on, until my lungs are full of water,” one theatergoer said.

BY ROSA CHO

Y

Staff Writer

esterday, James Cameron’s classic “Titanic” opened nationwide in the new and revolutionary form of 4D, which recreates the tragic phenomena in every detail. Hundreds of fans all over America flocked to see the classic revitalized, and were subsequently submersed under gallons upon gallons of water from the Arctic sea. Many of the remains have yet to be identified.

The creators of the fourth dimension of the 4D experience have been placed under heavy investigation.

Initial cursory investigations have revealed a series of er-

rors that would have been preventable given just the slightest bit of foresight.

“The way we engineered it was, upon the collision of the iceberg with the ship [in the film], a small trickle of water would preclude the eventual sinking as the temperature sinks,” spokesperson Tracey Collins said. “Then that small trickle would have led to a cascade of water from all around, just like when the Titanic gave itself up to the ocean. Apparently releasing lots of water in a sealed room housing hundreds wasn’t as dramatic in a romantic sort of way as we thought it would have been.”

“Still, you’ve got to admit, it’s all very impressive to be

able to smell the salty sea air while feeling the cool breeze upon your cheek as you watch a pair of star-crossed lovers try to escape their impending doom,” she added.

Upon hearing the tragic news, James Cameron seems to have been torn between triumph and disappointment. Early reports upon the development of the 4D feature were filled with optimism, and efforts to hurry production so that the release would not only make way for the beginning of the 4D experience, but also break records for fastest production of a re-release. “‘Avatar’ revolutionized 3D,” Cameron told reporters.

“But ‘Titanic’ won the hearts

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

and minds of fans … Oh, and the Oscars, all those Oscars.

I was hoping that this project, my ultimate labor of love, would be universally praised as the pinnacle of engineering, special effects, and cinematography rather than merely a disaster. My heart will go on to those who were swept away by the ‘unsinkable’ experience. ” Despite what Cameron later described as “a minor setback,” “Titanic” in 4D will continue to be shown, albeit in a limited amount of theaters. This time, movie-goers will be warned in advance, and are encouraged to bring their own lifeboats in case the theater’s supply runs out.

Millions of Children in Africa Hold Breath as Tim Tebow Completes Pass

E

Content Editor

lation turned to confusion this week when the “slew of student protests,” that were said to have inspired a recent policy change, were found not to exist. Though surprised that the university would fake protests, many called it the “next logical step,” given the student body’s propensity for short bursts of sitting-based activism.

When representative Jared Walker first announced he was lowering prices and extending hours at all on-campus dining halls, due to a campuswide dining dollar boycott, students were thrilled. “Was it strange that I didn’t have to do anything? Sure,” student activist Megan Griffin said. “It just goes to show you, doing nothing can really make a difference in the world.

Good thing I majored in sociology,” she added.

However, when Walker mentioned a letter-writing campaign, many grew suspicious, as it seemed like “too much effort for UCSD.” Under pressure, Walker admitted that the protest had been invented to justify his policy decisions.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to do nice things for students,” he said. “It’s just, I was at the Christmas party, and everyone had all these great stories. I couldn’t compete. I mean, do you remember Occupy Geisel?”

“Oh God, it was awful,” he said. “I told everyone it was just our lackluster camping club, but I don’t think they believed me.”

According to school offi-

cials, Walker’s decision has cast doubt on the validity of a number of student protests, including those regarding fee raises and the one last week where that freshman climbed onto a table and began screaming about the empty condom dispensers in Price Center.

“This is a very serious disappointment,” University of California President Mark Yudoff stated. “I’m just glad UC Davis had such a good year for student protests, or we’d be in danger of running a deficit.”

However, a large number of students expressed general apathy about the situation.

“What’s everyone so excited about?” student Candace Rivers asked. “They did the same thing with CLICS last quarter.”

Others were angry. “This is patently false,” freshman Marcus Greene said.

“I’ve been refusing to use my dining dollars all year.

And now it’s like that hasn’t even made a difference,” he added. “Way to make me feel useless.”

Junior Terrence French suggested that the responses to student health polls may have also been faked. “What if only 59 percent of students believe that it’s wrong to pressure me into drinking just to have sex?” he asked. “How am I supposed to feel safe here anymore?”

No decision has been made yet regarding Walker’s status, though rumors have surfaced about a student-wide campaign to ensure that he keeps his job. “They’re writing letters to the school and everything,” Walker said proudly.

“It’s a real group effort.”

“Oops,” he later added.

Prolonged Stockholm Syndrome.

The

MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

TOP TEN

Tebow would probably still be winning if his crucifix necklace was not so large.

BY GENNA MESCH Staff Writer

T

im Tebow, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, has recently gained public attention as he led his team to the playoffs in a series of low-scoring and unimpressive performances.

His fan base has expanded continuously, despite the almost complete lack of completed passes, which some say is a miracle from God himself.

No matter what odds Tebow faced, unworldly forces seemed to intervene on the side of the Broncos. Fans added their own faith to his in the hopes that God would be there when Tebow needed

help. This has increased his popularity so much that an entire village in Cameroon crowded around the television during the game against the Chicago Bears as Tebow won in a miraculous comeback in the final two minutes.

A young girl from that village, who will remain unnamed, says that Tebow is incredibly important because while he is playing she feels that God is finally listening to her prayers. “It is important for the world, especially the millions of children in Africa who are suffering, to know that God can finally hear some of their prayers, and answer with a win.”

The conviction of the majority of these Tebow followers remains unshaken,

despite the statistics and his disappointing losses in the last three games of the season. “If you don’t believe in God, you must not be watching football,” a young man Tebowing late Saturday night said over his last bowl of rice.

Teenager Adewale Oladele vows that Tim Tebow has restored his faith and been a major influence on his life. He now actually watches football games all the way through and gets down on his knees every Sunday to pray, despite his morning “Tebowners.”

However, Tebow’s slow and unsure rise to success this season came to a halt last weekend as he faced off against the New England Patriots. In this game, the chosen quarterback was brutally

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

eliminated from the playoffs in a shutout. This tragedy struck home to believers all over the world, but according to a 15-year-old girl from Nairobi, Tebow is still her hero and she would do anything to be with him. “We’re all touched by her loyalty,” a team representative said.

“But she might be disappointed to learn that Tebow doesn’t go all the way on either playing field.”

Fans still remain hopeful for Tebow next season, although some blame themselves for this post season.

“Next year, I will just pray more fervently,” one young orphan said. “Maybe God will be able to spare more than the last ten minutes of the game to come to Tebow’s aid.”

Human Interactions Replaced By Smartphones 10. Telling people how your poop went 9. Watching porn with your friends 8. Asking for directions in a bad neighborhood, getting mugged 7. Yelling at the kids next door to get off your lawn 6. Connecting with Jesus 5. Connecting with Jésus, that guy who lives down the street 4. Overthrowing a despotic regime 3. Stealing music 2. Throwing birds at things 1. Prostate exams

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February 8, 2012

theMQ.com

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Future Walmart locations

Place starting Risk pieces here

Concentration of American jobs

Exporter of crazy dictators

**Certain countries might not be drawn to scale

Buenos Aires: Paris of the West

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“Where hard facts are an inconvenience – and that’s the tru

theMQ.com

February 8, 2012

Page 7

Gulag that has not received news that the Cold War is over yet

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February 8, 2011

theMQ.com

Italian Cruise Line Offers Underwater Tours

Diversity Council Takes Steps to Fight Lactose Intolerance

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“This explosive milk is nothing compared to the explosive diarrhea it causes,” Anne Marie Hovanesyan said.

BY JANINE DAVIS Staff Writer

W “The shrimp cocktails are a little watery,” complained patron Georgia O’Malley, “But so fresh!”

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

I

Assistant Graphics Editor

n an attempt to resuscitate its floundering Italian cruise operations, Carnival Corporation has recently introduced complementary aquatic immersion for all passengers participating in future voyages. Ahead of its anticipated implementation, Carnival’s Costa Concordia surprised its passengers by offering an extended preview of the proposed new feature within hours of its departure.

In addition to exploring new attractions that the cruise line would begin to offer, Captain Francesco Schettino directed the ship toward the island of Giglio to provide a view of a quaint Tuscan village. After a discussion with the ships’ other officers, the captain decided to treat the passengers to the brand new immersion feature. However, the captain was unable to disengage the ship from its partially submersed orientation as he had tripped and fallen into a life raft, unable to return to the ship.

“I was really disappointed that I couldn’t return to the ship, especially since it seemed that the passengers were really enjoying the view of the local marine wildlife,” Schettino remarked. “At least, it seemed like there were plenty of screams of joy.”

Since the cruise ship was unable to re-center itself from its starboard lean, the cruise was abruptly ended early to the disappointment of its passengers and crew.

Most people were successfully ferried to land, while several dozen passengers stubbornly remained aboard the ship in an attempt to sleep with the fishes.

“That was just a pun,” Schettino clarified, punching a reporter’s arm goodnaturedly. “I can’t get a wink without a feather pillow.”

“We were going to make the big announcement in a press conference several months later but Schettino spilled the beans,” Carnival Chairman Micky Arison commented. “Now it’s a matter of proposing something that will make an even bigger

splash to draw the eye of the public. We need something that’s really going to sink into the hearts of the people.”

As the largest ship in Italy when it was built, the Costa Concordia remains a temporary landmark visible to the 1,500 residents of the island of Giglio. The ship will remain for approximately a year to give the island’s residents time to fully admire and explore the ship.

“I couldn’t be more excited to have one of the most luxurious ships in the world in our front yard to admire, the damage to trade routes notwithstanding,” Giglio mayor Sergio Ortelli remarked. “It’ll be our chance to personally relate to the majestic Titanic that sailed with such prosperity.

“In the end you pray for incidences like these that occur with such professionalism and safety of the individual.

When you have recreational endeavors that tempt to push the boundaries of nautical exploration, you tend to worry,” Italian Coast Guard Captain Gregorio Maria De Falco stat-

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

ed in a press conference. “We can only be thankful that we had the best technology and personnel available to help avoid a tremendous nautical disaster.”

Attempts to persuade the last of the passengers to make their way to Giglio have met with only partial success. Many of the cruise line’s patrons still haven’t reported in, likely because they are enjoying the underwater experience and want to get their money’s worth aboard the ship.

The ship’s guests have deluged Carnival’s offices with glowing reviews of their experiences. As of press time, the grateful corporation is preparing to send thousands of dollars to the passengers’ families to show its appreciation. When asked about the future prospects of the company, Chairman Arison replied with pleasure: “Things are going swimmingly. All of the customers on the Costa Concordia cruise seem to be absolutely head-over-heels for the new aquatic immersion feature.”

Mother Nature Accuses Corporation of Assault

BY MARISSA RUXIN Staff Writer

I

n light of a recent court ruling that conferred legal personhood to the environment in the same manner as is deemed to corporations, last Thursday, Mother Nature filed a suit against Chevron and alleged he invaded her land without consent. She claimed that for a period of over 20 years he exploited her natural resources without consent and denied her the use of protection, contaminating her body.

Mother Nature told the judge that she had enjoyed the company of the corporation for a while and thought she could have a friendly relationship.

“He seemed like a good guy,” she testified. “He purchased carbon credits regularly, and one time he even rescued animals from an oil spill.”

On a Friday evening they had dinner together at her house, where he gave her a drink that contained “some kind of drug.” The toxins polluted her body and caused her to be defenseless and weak, according to court documents.

The files then state that it turned violent as Chevron started to abuse Mother Nature, drilling into her hidden treasures. Her statement mentions that she had been hacked away at, causing the loss of a limb. This brutal episode occurred her in her home, leaving her with no feasible habitat for the time being.

When she spoke to police after the first incident she said, “Yes it’s true, he just kept taking advantage of my assets. He only wants to pleasure himself. He

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

On campus, Mother Nature often gets mistaken for new art installation, walking tree. doesn’t own whatever land he lands on. I have rights, too.”

Mother Nature called for tough punishments for Chevron, requesting that he be banned from drilling into others and from contaminating them, and suggests that Chevron volunteer for Greenpeace and clean up his act.

British Petroleum, a witness in the case, took the side of Chevron stating: “She had it coming. She exposed herself and let her walls down.

And besides, have you seen how she dresses?”

When Adil Bhat, a University of California, San Diego political science graduate student, was asked about the case, he said that he was not surprised that Chevron would do such a thing, and that Mother Nature was very beautiful and desirable. He continued, saying: “I’d tap that. I’d paint with all the colors of the wind and call her ‘mine, mine, mine.’”

The trial against Chevron will continue in the next week in the Environmental Protection Court, with Father Time

as the prosecuting attorney and top defense attorney Sue Ridge representing Chevron.

Peabody Energy, a coal company, is also being investigated under charges of rape.

Mother Nature asserted that he slashed and burned her, excavated her earth, and took what he wanted. She also claims that he choked her and deprived her of clean air.

“And don’t even get me started about SUVs,” she added. “I’ve seen the transformer movies. They’re people too.”

ith the opening of the University of California, San Diego first vegan restaurant Roots, the university has recently faced allegations of dairy discrimination. In response, the Diversity Council voted to develop a lactose tolerance-based agenda, which will be integrated into each college’s curriculum.

“We will not tolerate intolerance of any kind,” Sandra Daley, UCSD’s chief diversity officer, said. “It’s a sad reflection on our university that some students are so blinded by hate for milk it literally ‘makes them sick.’”

Students bemoan further tolerance training which many feel cuts into more practical curriculum. Freshman student Will Howell is exasperated with the university, claiming: “If you hate cheese, having someone force feed it down your throat is certainly not going to help.”

Those in UCSD’s writing programs find these measures especially problematic. As many are unaware, all characters in any fiction written in these programs must adhere to the principles of community. Abigail Miller, a writing major, had been working on a novel featuring a lactose intolerant villain. “How can we fully illustrate the evils of judging food so superficially if we aren’t allowed to explore

these themes? My novel, ‘I Have a Cream,’ would have been the ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ of lactose equality.”

Students campus-wide also oppose the suggested curriculum changes, suggesting that it may be difficult to write a 12-page research paper about the benefits of dairy for unprivileged minorities.

Despite the student response, faculty and alumni have supported the measure.

Professor Richard Blair of the Sociology department even petitioned the Museum of Tolerance to create an exhibit celebrating milk diversity. He explained, “We were all exposed as children to the harmful images of milk segregated by color. The strawberry milk was privileged in a way that is unacceptable. Now we can classify milk in the same way we judge people: by their fat content.”

In response to the positive media coverage of UCSD’s new agenda, more ambitious tolerance programs are also underway. Daley was excited to unveil her new project, saying: “All people are capable of tolerating each others’ beliefs.

This was the inspiration for our Israeli-Palestinian themed carnival. I mean, despite all that conflict they have so much in common, you know with the monotheism and the loathing bacon and all that.

The tug of war should be fun.”

“In just a few years, we’re going to be the most intolerance intolerant campus around,” Daley said proudly.

TOP FIFTEEN

Honest Inspirational Phrases 15. When you fall off the horse, sometimes you get dirt on your clothes 14. Infinity is not eternal, it’s a sideways 8 13. It’s better to have loved Lost than to never have watched it at all 12. Sometimes you just gotta do something that ends up happening 11. Fall seven times, get your inner ear checked 10. When the going gets tough, you’ve over cooked it 9. Antibiotics are the best medicine, laughter comes in sixth 8. Beggars can’t be choosers unless they’re also picky 7. Pain is weakness leaving the body, urine is soluble toxic waste 6. If at first you don’t succeed, maybe medical school isn’t for you 5. Money can’t buy you love until the cops leave 4. Time heals all wounds except for that festering infection 3. Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you’ll suffocate in the cold vacuum of space 2. Sometimes half-assed is just the right amount of assed 1. Life is like a box of chocolates, if you’re allergic to peanuts, you might die

theMQ.com

February 8, 2011

Page 9

Report: Girlfriend Studying Abroad, Totally Banging Hot European Guy Right Now

EDITORIAL

The Original Poet

BY PÉNÉLOPE RENARD Staff Writer

A

report released last week by the Fulbright Foundation revealed that currently a number of American girlfriends studying abroad are screwing hot European guys who are better than you in every conceivable way. Although the report did not expressly detail the exact number of girlfriends currently engaged in unapproved, yet immensely satisfying sex with a European man at any given moment, it did specify that your girlfriend is most definitely getting her world rocked, and it is happening right now.

The report, over 1,000 pages in length, details the nature of the mind-blowing sex your girlfriend has been having since she left America. It specifically lists the dozens of positions that have been employed — only possible with a male European lover well-versed in yoga — the decibel level her moans of ecstasy and delight have reached, brought on by lovemaking with a skilled and willing partner, as well as every one of the possible exotic locations suitable for a “proper Portugese porking.”

The authors strangely also left many pages blank, explaining that due to your puritanical American upbringing, there are a variety of pleasures your girlfriend is experiencing at the bidding of her firm yet tender lover.

“A European man is born with an innate knowledge of intimate techniques that can satisfy and thrill a woman in ways no American man can,” Dr. Christiano Santoro, lead author of the Fulbright Foundations’ report, stated in a press conference accompanying the report’s release.

He also added, “Don’t for-

BY HERMAN CAIN The Original Poet

A

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“I totally banged your girlfriend and then we listened to the Kaiser Chiefs,” some British guy, whose ass you wish you could kick, said. get their sensuous olive skin and seductive accents. No American woman can resist these enticements.”

Dr. Santoro presented selections from the report for the next 45 minutes, such as“European men are leaner and in better shape than you, with stamina to maintain peak sexual performance for hours, some speculate days,” and “The legend of the Italian Stallion is absolutely true, and if anything, it’s an undersell.”

Dr. Santoro’s thorough and exhausting report, much like the lovemaking of a passionate European man, has left

many American boyfriends winded. UC San Diego sophomore Thurston Howell stated, “While their report addresses some of my deepest fears, there is no way that they can prove my girlfriend Michelle is hooking up with that guy Mauricio. I’ve been stalking her Facebook and Twitter updates and I can’t prove a thing.”

After pressure from Howell and other American boyfriends this week calling for proof, the authors admitted that after repeated emails, Skype chats, and postcards, they could not prove that any girlfriends were electing to forgo the ancient won-

ders of Europe to spend a weekend in a romantic villa copulating with as many able-bodied European men as possible.

However, they were positive that even if your girlfriend is not being ravaged right now, she is certainly engaged in a budding emotional relationship with a sensitive, yet strong, Spaniard — who probably looks like Raphael Nadal — and she has not taken it to the next level only because of some lingering pity she feels for you.

Dr. Santoro concluded by saying, “And that’s really worse, we think.”

Antichrist Turns Wine Into Water, Not Much Fun at Parties

BY ADIL MISTRY AND ZAC HANN Staff Writer and Associate Content Editor

T

he nation is in an uproar following the appearance of the Antichrist — an event seemingly foretold by both Christian religious texts and the Mayans — in Wichita, KS. While it is clear that the Antichrist, a man named Roberto Fellini, is capable of causing earthquakes, summoning carnivorous locusts at will, and intimidating televangelists, fraternity members at the University of Kansas have reportedly suffered the most terrifying power he has revealed yet: the ability to turn wine into water.

Chad Parker, president of Omega Iota Eta, observed the horrific supernatural powers of the Antichrist firsthand last weekend. At the organization’s annual Winetasting and Football Appreciation night, an historic rush week occurrence, Parker’s fright at seeing Fellini enter the party turned to cold terror when he uncorked a ‘92 Bordeaux and poured mere water into his glass.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was really good water,” Parker said.

“Like, some sort of mountain spring water. But we spent like $300 of frat funds on that wine, and not a single freshman girl got tipsy enough for so much as a makeout sesh in the basement.” Parker complained.

“And now a bunch of Mormon kids are trying to rush. This Antichrist suuuuucks.”

Since the devastating surplus of water has turned the

llow me to make myself clear: I have never engaged in any plagiaristic activities. All of my campaign material is original, and all of it comes from my decade-old “SS-S Plan” for youth empowerment through entertainment.

You see, our nation’s youth are suffering from a cultural cancer of apathy and idleness.

Having survived colon cancer I figured I had the guts to cure it.

The first S stands for Summer, the singer Donna Summer, whose fine acquaintance I happened to make on one of my many business trips to Hollywood in 1999. Our mutual interests quickly led to an intimate partnership. We spent many nights writing in the studio. I provided the material, and she was the mouthpiece. I had the opportunity to appreciate her baritone in a way few others can claim. Eventually, we conceived our brainchild, “The Power of One.” The inspirational lyrics helped lift a generation out of cynicism and hopelessness when it was released as the ending theme for “Pokemon: The Movie 2000.”

With that accomplished, I quickly moved on to the sec-

ond S: The Sims. While pursuing my master’s in computer science, I conceived the idea of a human behavior simulator so that I could experiment with the effects of various government parameters on society. I lacked the necessary resources until my success in Hollywood drew the attention of Electronic Arts. With their support, I wrote the software, conducted my research, and discovered that levels of social, hunger, hygiene, and bladder were all optimized when taxes were nine percent across the board. I published the results as a video game to spread the message to young gamers.

The third S stands for Schwarzenegger. One thing the young and old have in common is our reverence of this amazing man. Not only is his the story of the American dream; he has the heart of an ideal leader. A leader who is strong, but knows where he is weak. He knows what he knows, and delegates everything else to professionals especially interested, and therefore objectively knowledgeable in the matter.

Nowhere is this mantra for success better chanted than in Schwarzenegger’s role as United States president in “The Simpsons Movie,” when he says to Russ Cargill, “I was elected to lead, not to read.” I don’t know for myself, but my campaign staff tells me that Matt Groening credited the inspiration for that line to my own life story.

So, kids, next time you hear someone say: “Cain can’t keep it in his pants” or “He’s totally clueless on foreign policy,” look ‘em in the eye and say, “At least he’s original.”

TOP TEN

Ways Mitt Romney Could Buy the Election 10. Book every one of the Super Bowl ad slots 9. Put a billboard on the moon 8. Build a border fence out of stacks of money 7. Carve his face into Mt. Rushmore 6. Seize power with an army of 500 million Jack in the Box tacos 5. Bail out the UC system 4. Buy world’s gold supply, make Ron Paul his bitch 3. Fund a time machine, kill Hitler 2. Buy Boardwalk and Park Place, bankrupt all other candidates 1. Cash out net worth into coins, drown Obama in change

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

Wine connoisseurs at the party still insisted that they were picking up subtle hints of cherry and a bit too much tannin. university into an unlookedfor dry campus, church attendance in Wichita has skyrocketed. The pews have filled with college-age partygoers distraught at the loss of cheap intoxicants. Father Alex Navarro of St. Martin of Tours told reporters, “I understand. Sometimes Natty Light just doesn’t cut it.” Proferring a Napa Zinfandel to the altar boy attending to him, he continued, “Drink up, Benny.”

Only one frat house at the university has not reported sobering instances of missing wine: the Gamma Omicron Delta frat. Brothers agree that the Antichrist has avoided their house since his arrival, though a man named Joshua Salvatore has been sleeping on the couch in the living

room for the past two days.

Since Salvatore’s arrival, rumors of miracles of a different kind have emanated from the communal lodge. Attendees of a Gamma party last night have sworn on the Bible that at least 50 people were able to keep rolling mild intoxication on only five bottles of Charles Shaw White Zinfandel and two bottles of a nameless mediocre red found in the fraternity house attic.

Whether such details will ever be confirmed is doubtful, but one thing is certain: KU students and Wichita residents of all ages have been flocking to the Gamma house every evening since Salvatore’s appearance, and have stumbled out slurring their words so badly that a

casual observer would think they were speaking some otherworldly language.

The radical changes in spirituality demographics that have overwhelmed Wichita are expected to sweep through the rest of the nation soon, and then the world.

President Barack Obama has invited top bishops, deacons, reverends, and pastors to discuss the fate of the presidential wine cellar should Fellini find his way in, but most spiritual leaders are unable to speculate on such things.

Given that scripture predicts the coming of the Antichrist after the Rapture, leading theologians have been too busy reinterpreting holy texts to account for the fact that they are still on earth.

Lies Your Parents Told You That You Thought Were True 10. We don’t have a favorite child 9. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake 8. I’m going to get a pack of cigarettes, I’ll be back soon 7. If you work hard enough, you can be what ever you want 6. The divorce isn’t your fault 5. We’re totally fine with you being straight 4. Mommy and Daddy were practicing for the wheelbarrow race 3. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon in 1969 2. Your mother’s in charge 1. Someone will take care of you if we die

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Goody’s Sells All Four Condoms

POINT

I Can’t Wait to Sue the Shit Out of You

BY IVAN O’ROURKE

Disgruntled Dishwasher

M

an, you’re totally going to regret trying to schedule me for that Saturday night shift, Goody’s management. You know why? I’ve got a cooler full of evidence that proves that your establishment is occasionally storing foods at two, sometimes even three degrees above the safe holding temperatures!

You thought that I, a lowly new hire, didn’t know that you have been plotting all along to give the entire UCSD student population food poisoning with your not-so-refrigerated lettuce and salsa. All this time you left me in the back room, you probably thought that I was just rotating stock and organizing shelves. Actually, I was carefully documenting your failure to uphold safety standards, something that when exposed will not only

PHOTO BY JOSHUA MALKINSON

As a contraceptive, this pose is nearly 99.9 percent effective.

BY JERIC PEREDA Staff Writer

A

fter selling four condoms last Sunday — all that remained of the original six condoms from the market’s opening — Goody’s became the first establishment on campus to sell all of its condoms. This sudden increase in sales was noted by many students and faculty, and raised concern that the sex rate on campus will soon drastically increase.

Some faculty and students have created a coalition to stop the movement before it gets out of hand. The group has called itself “People Opposing R-rated Notions” or “P.O.R.N.” for short and is committed to using any means necessary

to ensure that sex on campus continues to share key characteristics with the school’s football team. “Sure, everyone talks about how fun it could be and how it’d help us be taken seriously by other schools,” student leader Norm Baylor said. “But in all honesty, we just don’t have enough money for it.”

This past week, P.O.R.N. worked to prevent actual sexual interactions by tracking down the four students who bought condoms. The first such customer was found admitted to a hospital for what he claims to be food poisoning. “It clearly says flavored on the box,” he explained.

“But I guess it doesn’t mean edible.” When his stomach was pumped, doctors found a piece of gum, scented mark-

ers, and plastic fruit.

Another customer was detained by the coalition after he threw the water filled condoms at some students. He received a stern warning from the faculty and was later released. “Oh, so that’s what they’re for,” he said, before sneaking away to call his girlfriend.

The next customer was found in an alleyway after getting into an altercation with a thief, who had a gun. “This one’s defective,” he complained to police. “It didn’t protect me at all.” The customer an=d his condom will be kept at the police station as evidence. He is scheduled to be treated for his injuries after the case has been settled.

The last customer was found in his apartment by concerned faculty and stu-

dents. The group broke down the front door and stormed the building, rooting through the apartment in an attempt to find any evidence of the condoms. The student was pulled out of his bedroom in his underwear. “I just wanted to have sex,” he said, causing those around him to gasp in horror and threaten to call his mother.

The coalition is not convinced that this sex craze will not spread to the other colleges of UCSD, so they have demanded that there be a ban on condoms before it has a chance to escalate. They have also suggested that any students experiencing sexual need turn to P.O.R.N. for help.

Goody’s has still not decided if they plan to restock condoms, stating, “Why rush?”

WORD ON THE STREET

How do you feel about UCSD’s possible move to D1?

D1? As far as molecular symmetry is concerned, D2 is the simplest dihedral point group.

ESTHER PHAM

CHAD GRIFFIN

UCSD Student

If A.S. came to students for fees, it opens up a lot of doors for the future of how A.S. is seen. It’s a dangerous direction … Oh, we’re not talking about libraries anymore? Obviously, fee increases are a great idea!

Wait, you guys aren’t telling anyone about this vote, are you? I really don’t think that’s a good idea.

Swimmer

ALYSSA WING A.S. President

JEFF TRAINER

Voice of Reason

COUNTERPOINT

If Anything, We Should Be Suing You

BY STEVE MILLIGAN Manager

I

s this really all just some elaborate stunt to get us to give you Saturday off? Well, guess what. You’ve got it. You know why you’ve got it? Because you’re fired. You may not know it, but we have our own methods of documenting what goes on behind closed doors in our kitchen. They’re called security cameras, and they’ve shown us everything that you’ve done for the past month.

You say that you have evidence of our fridges being above safe temperatures. We have evidence of you leaving them open for your entire shift and then snapping a few pictures of the thermometers with your cell phone camera.

We also suspect that you are the one who has been stealing all the forks and forcing students to eat their fruit salad with a spoon, but that is all pure speculation at this point.

And you know, we’ve dealt with your type before. The lazy, slacker student who thinks that they can just get a job here or there, find some little fault, and exploit the crap out of it. Well let me tell you, after the Sour Cream Fiasco of ‘09, we run a much tighter ship around here and have documentation that documents why your documentation is incorrect. Just consider yourself lucky that we aren’t pressing charges for all those times we saw you spitting into those burritos.

TOP TEN

GILBERT GODFRIED Comedian

“The positive effects of D1 sports on our campus climate are worth consideration, but given the statewide budget crisis we currently face, a fee increase as severe as this seems imprudent in the near future.”

shut down your entire establishment, but also provide some cash for me, the hero who exposed your nasty little scheme.

I went down to Student Legal Services today to show them all of my evidence and while the guy they gave me didn’t seem too interested, I’m sure it’s because lawyers are always multitasking. Which is good, because I have a quite a few lawsuits to bring against this school. Just you wait!

Have you seen Maryanne Fox? The gg on that gg makes my gg go gging crazy. So I’m standing there, with my gg out and what happens but gg in the gg and hey! Where are you going? I’m not done gging speaking to you!

INFOGRAPHIC

What else should be moved to D1?

This is your brain.

Pipe Dreams That Might Get Finished Before the California Bullet Train 10. Oakland deemed a nice place to live 9. Every kind of cancer ever is cured 8. California laser bus line 7. Arizona becomes less racist 6. Occupy movement articulately expresses its demands 5. UCSD becomes politically, sexually active 4. The South successfully secedes 3. UCSD finds a namesake for Sixth college 2. California State Legislature raises money for bullet train 1. People recognize vice president’s valuable contributions The

S&MQ

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON D1 SPORTS.

Tuesdays.

6 pm.

Half Dome.

theMQ.com

February 8, 2012

Freshman Enters Wrong Class, Just Goes With It

Page 11

TOP TEN

Changes to the World if Candy Land Were a Real Country 10. Increase in deaths due to gummy bear attacks 9. Preemptive strike on the cute inhabitants slightly harder to justify 8. Recommended tourist age three to nine 7. Dentistry becomes a more profitable profession 6. Suicide rate decreases, slightly 5. Currencies judged against the gelt standard 4. Gingerbread and circuses now a popular economic theory 3. Life expectancy shortened by 20 years 2. Tourism to Republic of Broccoli drops dramatically 1. Drug dealers push pops Our parents never loved us either.

The

MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

PHOTO BY JOSHUA MALKINSON

“Good thing I brought my safety equipment,” this freshman said. “Who knows what teratogenic effect our bonding could have.”

BY SAM BARTLEMAN

R

Staff Writer

eports confirmed on Tuesday that University of California, San Diego freshman Bryan Reynolds mistook Dance 160 for his regularly scheduled MAE 15 after missing the e-mail about room changes. After rushing in and securing a seat in the front row, his fate was sealed.

“I sat there for five whole minutes before I realized it was the wrong room,” a disturbed Reynolds said, adding that he “even had [his] calculator out and everything.”

After pretending to take notes, and staring at the board in horror hoping that maybe the professor might choose to hold class outside, the anxious undergraduate

realized the only exits had become blocked by students sitting in the aisle, who had been unable to find seats in Ledden Auditorium.

Fourth year dance major Jessie Bluman also noticed a disturbance. “I think that guy had to pee or something. Or maybe he’s one of those special needs kids they let pretend they’re going here? That would definitely explain the graph paper and three types of pencils he brought to class.”

After thoroughly considering shorting the room’s power with spit, a paper clip he found in his pocket and the electrical socket under his chair, the budding engineer had the idea of instead checking his phone and acting as if he was receiving an important phone call, an event that

could warrant unexpectedly leaving class.

“But as I’m silently sliding my notebook back into my backpack, the professor goes: ‘If you’re not here for Dance 160 you should pas de bourrée on outta here,’ and everyone laughed. Come on!”

Surrounded by more female members of his peer group than he had interacted with in the past two years, Reynolds began doodling a maze in his notebook and briefly contemplated how he could set off the fire alarm from his seat. Sources confirmed that the trapped student even considered faking a seizure.

“Einstein once said we are the dancers, and we create the dreams. I doubt he was missing crucial quiz-mate-

rial and syllabi review when he made that observation!”

Renyolds said as he felt his heartbeat increase and anxiously tapped his foot on the floor, which inadvertently irritated his asthma.

Professor Starman, who is well-liked by students for his kooky and eccentric manner, had a special exercise planned for the class.

“Before I get into the boring slides, I’ll need a volunteer. You all learned to waltz in Dance 110, right? How about you, the only guy surrounded by women in the front row? It’s okay, don’t be shy! Here, take my hand, come on down!”

Reynolds later recounted that he might have danced particularly well had he not blacked out in his chair.

PETA Unleashes New Campaign Against Angry Birds

PHOTO BY JOSH MARXEN

“This isn’t nearly as bad as my high school prom experience,” this girl wept.

BY ROSA CHO Staff Writer

BRIEFS: MORE SUPPORTIVE THAN BOXERS CSE DEPARTMENT UPGRADES LANGUAGE, TEACHES STUDENTS WITH E It was announced on Thursday that after thousands of hours of programming and four years of debugging codes, the Computer Science and Engineering Department at the University of California, San Diego has developed a new programming language, E — similar to C++, but with vast improvements.

The department stated that this new language will allow for faster compilation, easily implementable syntax and and an improved polymorphic interface. This upgrade down the alphabet is expected to revolutionize the software and hardware design for all electronics.

However, there have been a number of complaints by faculty that many undergraduates enrolling in these introductory courses are mistaking the name of the programming language for the illegal drug ecstasy, and showing up to the computer labs disoriented and overly affectionate.

“It’s incredibly distracting when I’m trying to code and the student next to me is stroking the keyboard, repeatedly saying how bumpy it is and rolling around all over the floor,” Professor Timothy Marx said. “This is not conducive to my productivity at all!”

BLACK MAN’S RACE SPECIFIED UNNECESSARILY IN LOCAL NEWS STORY After running an article which unnecessarily specified the race of a black man nearly 45 times in 400 words, The Daily Press of Greenwood, CA has not received any letters of complaint, as this is standard journalistic practice. The story featured a charming small-town anecdote of David Marten and his co-workers rescuing a stranded border collie, which are generally both black and white, from a satellite dish.

Despite the complete lack of relevance to the endeavors of the heroic members of the team, chosen for the task on the basis of being the closest people who owned a suitable ladder, reporter Aaron Simmonds still found space in his 400-word piece to include the man’s exact age, race, religious beliefs, sexuality, and golf handicap.

His colleagues in the Greenwood Fire Department were named in the article, but no personal details were included. The newspaper reported that it would only be possible to attain such information by visiting their homes and peering through their windows, which is strictly against protocol.

GREECE’S RECOVERY PLAN: BREAK PLATES TO CREATE JOBS According to almost all international economic analysts, Greece has been in terrible financial shape in recent months and has resorted to asking neighboring countries for monetary help.

In order to save themselves from further embarrassment, Lucas Papademos, the current prime minister of Greece, teamed up with his finance minister Evangelos Venizelos to come up with a plan to help Greece out of its financial crisis.

“It’s actually a pretty simple proposal: break plates, create jobs, make money, drink. The idea is to increase aggregate demand in the plate sector by decreasing the current total supply around the world. Using fundamental economics concepts such as supply and demand would be the key factor in helping us get through these troubled times. Basically, we just smash all the plates.” Mr. Venizelos said to the press.

When one of the reporters asked if he could give some statistical analysis behind the plan, Mr. Venizelos took a plate from his secretary and threw it at the reporter’s face.

According to eye-witnesses, the plate shattered to pieces and the reporter’s face bled

profusely. “There,” Mr. Venizelos said. “Now we have two jobs to stimulate the Greek economy, someone to fix that plate and another to stitch that face up.”

JOHN MCCAIN ARRESTED FOR TIES TO 1980S IRAQ Last Tuesday, John McCain was forcibly removed from one of his many homes and taken to an undisclosed location and is being held indefinitely under the National Defense Authorization Act, which he helped write. National security experts say the arrest is likely due to his theoretical ties to Saddam Hussein. However, they added, the arrest could have been justified by his bad sense of humor, or been unjustified since the NDAA “did away with the need for excuses.”

McCain’s ties to Hussein were calculated using standard methodology “based on the 6 degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon, only with Saddam Hussein,” according to an anonymous source.

But others suggest that what makes McCain a real threat is his connection to Kevin Bacon, who has ties with each and every individual on the FBI’s no-fly list and terrorist watch-list.

T

his weekend, PETA expressed their “extraordinarily violent fury” against the popular game “Angry Birds,” by announcing a lawsuit against every single company and individual that supports the “egregious exploitation and abuse of birds and pigs.” Those close to the organization noted that this outshines even the effort they put forth to ban Kennel Club competitions that force dogs to jump through hoops.

All over the country, PETA members have lividly expressed their ferocity by pelting shoppers walking out of Apple or other electronics stores, as well as random bystanders, with tomatoes thrown by slingshots. PETA members have also been picketing the headquarters of Rovio games, the owner of “Angry Birds,” demanding that all downloads of the Angry Birds app be ceased. Unless Rovio gives in to PETA’s ultimatum, the non-profit has sworn to continue its “crusade of rage against the inhumane machine.”

In a recent interview with PETA representative Chanticleer Hogg, it was revealed that the organization has developed detailed plans for an intensely complex campaign against “Angry Birds” that “will be held at all fronts.”

“The entire point of the game is to take these cute, clearly terrified birds and throw them at various structures made of wood, stone, glass, and sometimes ice blocks to crush these poor little pigs trapped inside with no way of escape,” Hogg said. “It’s an absolutely cruel, inhumane and despic-

able form of entertainment that must be stopped in every way!

To set things straight, we’re first going to hunt down the bastards who thought it was a good idea to turn the pigs green and make birds spontaneously blow up at the touch of a mouse, and then give them a taste of our own angry arsenal of homemade exploding bird-shaped bombs. That’ll teach the bastards to mess with nature!”

“But that’s not all! Not only are we going to do that, we’re also going to launch our own version of ‘Angry Birds’ and call it ‘Furious Avians.’ Instead of throwing birds at pigs, you throw humans at random structures to crush other humans while birds and pigs laugh at their misery.” Hogg rubbed his hands together gleefully as he summoned a shaggy-haired PETA intern to demonstrate the concept of the game.

In response to this campaign, the creators of “Angry Birds” have announced that they will release a new version of the game, which will be free for all. This new version, called “Piggies Egging Tactful Avians,” will feature a new bird called “Nugget the Vegetarian Chick,” whose attack mostly consists of shouting barely coherent “Meet Your Meat” quotes as it catapulted itself at the pigs. They will also be releasing custommade, calibre slingshots that can shoot Angry Birds plushies up to 20 feet. Customers are encouraged to practice their new slingshot by slinging a Red Bird or a Black Bomber Bird at a PETA riot.

Until the “Angry Bird” app is put down, PETA has vowed to pool all their resources and intelligentsia toward this “noble cause” and won’t stop until this case has reached Supreme Court and their “Furious Avians” app gets over 9,000 hits.

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21st Birthday Theme Parties It’s the day you’ve always been waiting for – your 21st birthday has finally arrived. But you don’t want to have that boring, plain, alcohol-themed party that everyone else has. You’re more creative than that. You have original ideas. And also, what the hell else are you supposed to do with that chartreuse, sequined morph-suit you’ve had in your closet for God knows how long? So check out these quirky, offbeat ideas guaranteed to turn your 21st birthday into the slippery slope to crippling alcoholism that you’ve always wanted.

Republican Presidential Candidate

Western

Your 21st is the time to do things you regret, and who has more cause to be embarrassed about their lives than the Republican presidential candidates? Not to mention, thanks to loopholes in campaign laws, you can solicit unlimited party fund contributions from your “friends!”

Wael howdy there, pardner! If you got a hankerin’ fer talkin’ like this, we gots an idea tha’s sure to give you the rootinist tootinest twenty-firstinist birthday of your life, so mosey on down to the nearest saloon and show off that ID with pride. Don’t forget yer sarsaparilla now!

Costumes Be sure to remind your

Costumes

Specialty Drinks Quench your

Specialty Drinks Load up your bar with bottles of “Doc Holliday’s FeelGood 100 percent All Natural Wormwood Extract Medical Cure-All Tincture” to get your friends good and riled up. And it makes for a great hangover cure !

Show your festivity and gloat about your superior historical knowledge with a smallpox blanket serape, or be ready to win any duel at high noon with your beer holsters.

guests to dress conservatively for this party! Need a group costume? Double the holiday cheer and come as the ghosts of candidates past. guest’s insatiable thirst for wealth, power, and potables with the “All-American White Russian” (made with one percent milk), or a grenadine-infused twist on a classic, the “Mai Red Tai.”

Party Favors Attendees will love

Party Favors Don’t let your guests

Drinking Game Allow your guests

Drinking Game When the con-

Where You’ll End Up in the Morning Wake up to find yourself

Where You’ll End Up in the Morning Be careful, don’t try to

your handmade copies of “The New King James Constitution,” but running short on time to make them? Don’t worry, as long as your favorite guests receive a favor, they’ll be sure to share with the rest.

leave empty-handed! Send them home with the titles to their very own Native American-owned land. It’s amazing no one’s laid claim to it before!

versation starts to wane, encourage a round of “Consumption” amongst your friends. Drink until you’re coughing up blood!

to both maintain their inebriation and abuse their democratic authority with “Executive Power Hour.” Take a sip each time you vote along the party lines against the desires of your constituents.

at the bottom of the polls after a few too many shots, only three points behind that Ron Paul guy.

Alternate Themes

venture too far into the wild, wild west or you might end up in Tokyo.

Lewis and Clark Bar Crawl

Stuck in the Hospital in a Coma

Schindler’s 21st

Retirement Home

Amish

Find a girl, follow her around all night

Your parents just keep on keeping you alive

Are you on the list?

Because some people are born on a leap year

Not sure what springa is, but there will be plenty of rum!

Lord of the Flies

None of My Friends Are 21 Yet

Man, remember high school English? Oh man, those were the days. There were like, all those great books that made you consider the world and your place in it. And then there was “Lord of the Flies.” Which is to say, how awesome would it be to be trapped on an island with a bunch of your closest friends, with no idea of how, or if, you’re going to get home?

Did those three times you were held back in first grade impact your social life in more ways than one? Want to be able to include your little Brothers and/or Sisters of America in the most important birthday of your life? Don’t worry, it’s not lame to turn this monumental celebration into an all-ages event. Well, yes it is, but do you really have a choice in the matter?

Costumes Make a bang and show your appreciation for the Sparknotes you read with a life-sized flint and steel outfit.

Those of you who actually read the book can elicit a more subtle laugh with a nice pair of parachute pants.

Specialty Drinks Serve up some

“Lone Island Iced Tea.” One part vodka, tequila, gin, rum, and a splash of lost innocence.

Costumes Worried that your un-

derage friends’ fake IDs won’t make it past the bouncer? Erase any and all doubts about their age with completely convincing fake mustaches.

Specialty Drinks Since every-

one has to be back home by 11 p.m., crack open a few bottles of “Mike’s Soft Lemonade.” All the bad flavor, none of the intoxication.

Party Favors Give your guests a

Party Favors Did you know Chuck

Drinking

Drinking Game Gather your

book that they would have actually enjoyed reading, you cold-hearted bastard.

Also, you think there’s another favor in that bag that you’re going to give out to guests, but you’re too afraid to check it.

Game “King’s Conch.” Just like the regular one, only with a conch.

Where You’ll End Up in the Morning Make like Piggy and wake up with a splitting headache somewhere between a rock and a hard place.

E. Cheese’s sells beer? Give your friends some tokens so you can down a beer in peace, and then pass out all that liquor you bought for those young’ns. Sure hope those bastards’ll pay you back.

friends in the alley for a good ol’ fashioned round of “Break the Law,” the sport where possession isn’t really that much of a good thing.

Where You’ll End Up in the Morning You’ll wake up much like any other day: naked on the couch watching “Seinfeld.”