The MQ Volume 18 Issue 5

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THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 14, 2012

Me, I’m dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. — Vladimir Putin

Celebrating the luck of the Pi-rish.

Kony 2012 Campaign Leading Republican Primaries

Volume XVIII Issue V

IN THIS ISSUE HARSH JURY GIVES BORING MURDERER FOUR OUT OF TEN

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UCSD STUDENTS RECLAIM CLICS, SNAPS, BLIPS, BLOOPS

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THE MQ’S GUIDE TO THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

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UPDATE: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANCELL? THIRD-YEAR LEAVES CAMPUS FOR THE FIRST TIME

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NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Depicted here: as many Ugandans as were featured in the video. BY ALAN DELBLACCIO

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Staff Writer

or several months, Republican candidates have been campaigning tirelessly for the chance to be able to lose to Barack Obama in the general election. However, it appeared that voters were incapable of choosing which

white, Christian fundamentalist male of privileged background they agreed with the most. Until now. On Tuesday, March 13, internet sensation Joseph Kony came out of the proverbial jungle of GOP candidates to win the Alabama, Mississippi, and Hawaii Republican primaries. His victory

stunned front-runners Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Bashar al-Assad. Kony’s sudden appearance in the Republican field of candidates has unified the previously fractured base, and is quickly gaining momentum. He’s leading in the polls in Illinois, Missouri, and Louisiana, even though the

United States has not had a foreign warlord ass president since Theodore Roosevelt. Kony’s popularity is in part due to a viral video campaign, which emphasizes that he will be running in 2012. Strategists have expressed astonishment

See KONY, page 2

Fox News Adds Laugh Track, Becomes Highest-Rated Comedy Network

Despite the switch, Sean Hannity still looks pretty much the same. BY ADIL MISTRY

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Staff Writer

ollowing the recent addition of laugh tracks to programs featured on Fox News, the popular news network’s ratings have soared, making it the single highest watched network on television amongst both liberals and conservatives. This marks a momentous change for the network, which had for almost two decades prior mimicked a real news network. According to Fox News

CEO Rupert Murdoch, many viewers continually failed to recognize the jokes, causing great frustration for the network. “No matter how obvious we tried to make it, people just didn’t get it. Take ‘Hannity and Colmes,’ for example,” Murdoch lamented in an interview, “Hasn’t anybody seen ‘Dumb and Dumber?’” The decision to finally add a laugh track was not an easy one, though Murdoch says that continuing audience ignorance made it the only clear option. “In the past we tried our best to make our satire more obvi-

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

ous with the addition of bikini models for anchors and exclusively blonde weekend broadcasting,” Murdoch explained. “We even brought in some random homeless man and started ‘Glenn Beck.’ Only an idiot could still take the network seriously.” Despite this, American politics has taken a sharp shift to the right since the inception of the fake news network, with as much as 52 percent of the nation currently voting conservative. Many go as far as to credit Fox News’ election-time “Goreathons,” which played hour-

long clips of overt violence and decapitation, with the defeat of Al Gore and a larger trend towards right-wing politics. This ideological shift is something Murdoch has repeatedly apologized for between sobs when interviewed. “We didn’t mean for Prop 8 to pass,” he said. “Bill and I were supposed to get married and now we can’t do that.” While many credit Fox News for the resurgence in conservative politics, public response to the change indicates that people finally understand the message of Fox News. “In retrospect, trickle-down economics was totally a golden shower joke, but I just never got it without someone’s laughter for me to follow,” a local soccer mom remarked. However, polling has indicated that most Americans are no longer sure what Fox News is about. “Without Fox News, it’s hard to have an opinion anymore,” one previous viewer lamented. “And that one reality show network, CNN, doesn’t help either.” Although it would appear that Fox News has achieved its goal of becoming the highest rated comedy news network, stresses of running it have taken their toll on Rupert Murdoch. He recently announced that he soon plans to retire, opting to move to his native Australia where he and Bill O’Reilly, may finally legally marry.

LOOSE CANINE UNDERCOVER COP CONSTRUCTS CASE

ZOOLOGIST ENCOUNTERS LONGLOST TWIN

Hounded for smoothing over evidence.

Woman also pleased over encounter.

NORTH KOREA APPALLS U.S. WITH SHOCKING ACT OF HUMANITY Last month, Kim Jongun, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, announced plans to halt the nation’s nuclear program and allow United Nations weapon inspectors to enter the nation and investigate the program. This act of uncharacteristic diplomacy and shocking kindness has been criticized by many, who denounce it as “a major buzzkill in the world of foreign policy.” “I mean really,” Kevin Francis, senior CIA analyst, said. “We’ve been planning to force a coup since like the

80s. And all of a sudden they have a sane leader who wants to feed his people? If we follow through with our plans, we’ll look like assholes.” “Not only that, but it really ruined our North Korean joke pool,” he continued. “Imagine the jokes now. ‘So a leader gives up his dad’s psychotic nuclear plan and feeds his people.’ Wow. Real funny.” Francis later revealed that the CIA has not completely scrapped his work, noting how the forced coup can be applied “in Syria, or some shit like that.”

RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY “MIGHT HAVE SUFFERED UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT” Amidst questionable circumstances, Russia’s presidential elections on March 4 resulted in a massive victory for current Prime Minister and former KGB strongman Vladimir Putin. Many believe the elections were rigged. “There was a misunderstanding,” Putin said. “Something might have happened to the elections, but who can say for sure? And what’s with all the questions? What are you, a cop?” Putin’s United Russia party received over 99 percent of the vote in the volatile Chechen Republic. “Chechnya has essentially become a war-torn, turmoil-stricken

version of Florida in the 2000 elections,” political commentator Fedor Godunov said, shortly before disappearing amid mysterious circumstances. “Of course, instead of old Jewish retirees, Chechnya has rubble.” These are trying times for the Russian Federation, but Putin has responded to the controversy with his signature commitment to governmental transparency. “I’d pack up and leave if I were you,” President-elect Putin said. “Your line of work can be very hazardous to your health. Something could happen. You never know, we live in a dangerous world.”

LIMBAUGH DIAGNOSED WITH PMDD Last Tuesday, radio personality Rush Limbaugh announced that his recent comments, condemning preventative health measures for women, were a result of his fiery, periodinduced rage. Limbaugh reportedly suffers from a condition known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder, more commonly known as PMDD; it is characterized by “irritability, depression, compulsive overeating, and politically incorrect statements,” Limbaugh’s OB/GYN explained. “Limbaugh Disorder” is entirely preventable, but insurance companies have repeatedly failed to cover his oral contraceptives. “I

suffer from chronic obesity and my mouth turns into a cesspool of filth 150 days out of the year,” he told reporters later in the day. In the wake of Limbaugh’s experiences with discrimination, he has become a champion of women’s rights, and is appalled by the scrutiny has come under for his outburst. “I called Sandra Fluke a ‘slut’ through no fault of my own,” Limbaugh said. “I am the victim here,” he added. “But at least I’m only getting my period. Don’t get me started on pregnant women; they need to stop asking me to pay for their lifestyle choices.”

See BRIEFS, page 11


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