The MQ Volume 18 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 14, 2012

Me, I’m dishonest, and you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest.

— Vladimir Putin

Celebrating the luck of the Pi-rish.

Kony 2012 Campaign Leading Republican Primaries

Volume XVIII Issue V

IN THIS ISSUE HARSH JURY GIVES BORING MURDERER FOUR OUT OF TEN

3

UCSD STUDENTS RECLAIM CLICS, SNAPS, BLIPS, BLOOPS

4

THE MQ’S GUIDE TO THE JUSTICE SYSTEM

6, 7

UPDATE: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANCELL? THIRD-YEAR LEAVES CAMPUS FOR THE FIRST TIME

9 10

NEWS IN BRIEF PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Depicted here: as many Ugandans as were featured in the video.

BY ALAN DELBLACCIO

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Staff Writer

or several months, Republican candidates have been campaigning tirelessly for the chance to be able to lose to Barack Obama in the general election. However, it appeared that voters were incapable of choosing which

white, Christian fundamentalist male of privileged background they agreed with the most. Until now.

On Tuesday, March 13, internet sensation Joseph Kony came out of the proverbial jungle of GOP candidates to win the Alabama, Mississippi, and Hawaii Republican primaries. His victory

stunned front-runners Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Bashar al-Assad.

Kony’s sudden appearance in the Republican field of candidates has unified the previously fractured base, and is quickly gaining momentum. He’s leading in the polls in Illinois, Missouri, and Louisiana, even though the

United States has not had a foreign warlord ass president since Theodore Roosevelt.

Kony’s popularity is in part due to a viral video campaign, which emphasizes that he will be running in 2012. Strategists have expressed astonishment

See KONY, page 2

Fox News Adds Laugh Track, Becomes Highest-Rated Comedy Network

Despite the switch, Sean Hannity still looks pretty much the same.

BY ADIL MISTRY

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Staff Writer

ollowing the recent addition of laugh tracks to programs featured on Fox News, the popular news network’s ratings have soared, making it the single highest watched network on television amongst both liberals and conservatives. This marks a momentous change for the network, which had for almost two decades prior mimicked a real news network.

According to Fox News

CEO Rupert Murdoch, many viewers continually failed to recognize the jokes, causing great frustration for the network. “No matter how obvious we tried to make it, people just didn’t get it. Take ‘Hannity and Colmes,’ for example,” Murdoch lamented in an interview, “Hasn’t anybody seen ‘Dumb and Dumber?’”

The decision to finally add a laugh track was not an easy one, though Murdoch says that continuing audience ignorance made it the only clear option.

“In the past we tried our best to make our satire more obvi-

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

ous with the addition of bikini models for anchors and exclusively blonde weekend broadcasting,” Murdoch explained.

“We even brought in some random homeless man and started ‘Glenn Beck.’ Only an idiot could still take the network seriously.”

Despite this, American politics has taken a sharp shift to the right since the inception of the fake news network, with as much as 52 percent of the nation currently voting conservative. Many go as far as to credit Fox News’ election-time “Goreathons,” which played hour-

long clips of overt violence and decapitation, with the defeat of Al Gore and a larger trend towards right-wing politics.

This ideological shift is something Murdoch has repeatedly apologized for between sobs when interviewed.

“We didn’t mean for Prop 8 to pass,” he said. “Bill and I were supposed to get married and now we can’t do that.”

While many credit Fox News for the resurgence in conservative politics, public response to the change indicates that people finally understand the message of Fox News. “In retrospect, trickle-down economics was totally a golden shower joke, but I just never got it without someone’s laughter for me to follow,” a local soccer mom remarked. However, polling has indicated that most Americans are no longer sure what Fox News is about. “Without Fox News, it’s hard to have an opinion anymore,” one previous viewer lamented. “And that one reality show network, CNN, doesn’t help either.”

Although it would appear that Fox News has achieved its goal of becoming the highest rated comedy news network, stresses of running it have taken their toll on Rupert Murdoch.

He recently announced that he soon plans to retire, opting to move to his native Australia where he and Bill O’Reilly, may finally legally marry.

LOOSE CANINE UNDERCOVER COP CONSTRUCTS CASE

ZOOLOGIST ENCOUNTERS LONGLOST TWIN

Hounded for smoothing over evidence.

Woman also pleased over encounter.

NORTH KOREA APPALLS U.S. WITH SHOCKING ACT OF HUMANITY Last month, Kim Jongun, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, announced plans to halt the nation’s nuclear program and allow United Nations weapon inspectors to enter the nation and investigate the program.

This act of uncharacteristic diplomacy and shocking kindness has been criticized by many, who denounce it as “a major buzzkill in the world of foreign policy.”

“I mean really,” Kevin Francis, senior CIA analyst, said. “We’ve been planning to force a coup since like the

80s. And all of a sudden they have a sane leader who wants to feed his people? If we follow through with our plans, we’ll look like assholes.”

“Not only that, but it really ruined our North Korean joke pool,” he continued. “Imagine the jokes now. ‘So a leader gives up his dad’s psychotic nuclear plan and feeds his people.’

Wow. Real funny.”

Francis later revealed that the CIA has not completely scrapped his work, noting how the forced coup can be applied “in Syria, or some shit like that.”

RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY “MIGHT HAVE SUFFERED UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT” Amidst questionable circumstances, Russia’s presidential elections on March 4 resulted in a massive victory for current Prime Minister and former KGB strongman Vladimir Putin. Many believe the elections were rigged.

“There was a misunderstanding,” Putin said. “Something might have happened to the elections, but who can say for sure? And what’s with all the questions? What are you, a cop?”

Putin’s United Russia party received over 99 percent of the vote in the volatile Chechen Republic. “Chechnya has essentially become a war-torn, turmoil-stricken

version of Florida in the 2000 elections,” political commentator Fedor Godunov said, shortly before disappearing amid mysterious circumstances. “Of course, instead of old Jewish retirees, Chechnya has rubble.”

These are trying times for the Russian Federation, but Putin has responded to the controversy with his signature commitment to governmental transparency. “I’d pack up and leave if I were you,” President-elect Putin said. “Your line of work can be very hazardous to your health. Something could happen. You never know, we live in a dangerous world.”

LIMBAUGH DIAGNOSED WITH PMDD Last Tuesday, radio personality Rush Limbaugh announced that his recent comments, condemning preventative health measures for women, were a result of his fiery, periodinduced rage. Limbaugh reportedly suffers from a condition known as premenstrual dysphoric disorder, more commonly known as PMDD; it is characterized by “irritability, depression, compulsive overeating, and politically incorrect statements,” Limbaugh’s OB/GYN explained.

“Limbaugh Disorder” is entirely preventable, but insurance companies have repeatedly failed to cover his oral contraceptives. “I

suffer from chronic obesity and my mouth turns into a cesspool of filth 150 days out of the year,” he told reporters later in the day. In the wake of Limbaugh’s experiences with discrimination, he has become a champion of women’s rights, and is appalled by the scrutiny has come under for his outburst.

“I called Sandra Fluke a ‘slut’ through no fault of my own,” Limbaugh said.

“I am the victim here,” he added. “But at least I’m only getting my period. Don’t get me started on pregnant women; they need to stop asking me to pay for their lifestyle choices.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

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March 14, 2012

theMQ.com

Jobless Dementor Finds Work at DMV

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

KONY

that a campaign based around a 30-minute video has succeeded, given the popularly accepted theory that Americans do not have the attention span to watch a 30-minute video.

To the delight of his supporters, Kony has aligned himself with popular Republican stances on a variety of issues from Second Amendment rights to infanticide. “He is never a flip-flopper, and really sticks to his guns,” Joe Stein, a Kony supporter, explained.

“And when you try to take them away, he hides out in the bush for the next 20 years.”

In addition to his strong stance on a variety of core issues, his political past has never been disputed. While Republicans have never been able to prove Obama is from Kenya, Kony is definitively from Uganda.

Political experts say that

Kony’s rapidly rising popularity is due to his opponents’ inability to appeal to the Ugandan vote, a vote key to the success of previous Republican candidates. He has even been able to successfully capture the hearts, minds, and bodies of young voters. His supporters claim that children as young as seven years old attend pro-Kony events, but so far they have not been seen by any major news outlet.

Jason Russell, Kony’s lead campaign strategist, explained to reporters that he is hoping to make history in November.

So far, the public seems to agree. Kony’s only controversial stance is his promise to repeal the 13th and 14th amendments, if elected.

“Yeah, it’s a little worrying,” one Facebook user said. “But have you seen his campaign?

So powerful!”

TOP TEN

Similarities Between March Madness and Spring Break

Many fear that the new environment will force this Dementor to slowly starve to death.

BY CODY DONAHUE Content Editor

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his week, the Clairemont Department of Motor Vehicles became the first state agency to “really tackle the question of DMV accessibility” when they hired a down-on-his-luck Dementor to work the appointment desk. “It’s a great honor,” branch manager Loretta Levine said. “If the DMV hadn’t sucked all the emotions out of me, I’d probably be happy right now.”

Staff at the DMV warmly welcomed their strangely silent coworker, and most then spent the next half hour shivering uncontrollably and weeping over steaming mugs of hot choc-

olate. “We’re all just so, so depressed to meet him,” employee Harold Tubbs said. “He makes you feel as though life is truly awful, which is a feeling we’ve really grown accustomed to here.”

That’s the feeling state legislators are hoping to achieve.

Recent data suggests that the Clairemont DMV attracts thousands of people every day, with lines that often stretch around the building.

“Clearly, people like being at this DMV too much,” County manager Connor Bright said. “I’m not sure why, though. We’ve reviewed the tapes; all the employees have been strictly following the no smiling policy.”

“Perhaps we should get rid of the chairs,” he added. “People like sitting on things, I guess.”

Already, the Dementor’s presence has decreased attendance, as well as increasing the general degree of misery that customers seem to be experiencing. “He does a really great job, kind of half floating over there, and sometimes showing people that creepy bone hand,” employee Regina Spring said. “We’re thinking of putting him on the PA system too, as soon as we figure out what part of his body he talks with.”

The success at Clairemont serves as an inspiration to the other San Diego DMVs, which have now begun to deny address changes and encourage lactose intolerant people to drink milk in the building. “They’re small changes, but we think they’ll make a big difference,” Hill-

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

crest manager Lyle Jones said. “Oh God, it smells so bad in here.”

“Seriously, this is disgusting,” he added. “Why did I ever agree to work here?”

Connor Bright expressed hope that this will be a turning point for DMVs nationwide, as the new generation grows up with the DMV not only being a boring place, but a “frightening, soulsucking one” as well. “Not to mention, we have that Dementor,” he added.

“Oh, what’s the point?”

16-year-old Greg Thompson whined on a recent visit. “It’s not like I’m going to pass my driver’s test anyway. I’ll probably wind up old and wrinkled with no one to love me. Let’s just go home and give up on life already.”

10. As a UCSD student you won’t participate in either 9. If you want to be successful you have to sink a lot of shots 8. More enjoyable if you’re an athlete 7. Surprising premature exits 6. You get upset when coverage of the event interrupts your “Buffy” reruns 5. Hard and fast play 4. Your traditional Asian parents disapprove 3. Statistically, you’re far more likely to be a spectator than a player 2. Hope you’ll get lucky in the pool 1. None of them are professionals, but you can’t tell the difference THE MQ

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Managing Editor.....................Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Cody Donahue Associate Content Editor................Jessi Carr Associate Content Editor.................Zac Hann Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Assistant Design Editor.......Joshua Malkinson Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo Distribution Lieutanant............Hilary Morefield

More fun than a pillow fight!

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant to the Graphics Editor...Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Assistant Copy Editor.................Garrett Chan Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Events Coordinator....................Monica Bhide Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le Assistant Web Editor......................Ben Steen Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Sam Bartleman Jack Beegan Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cassidy Curl

Janine Davis Alan Delblaccio Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Daniel Early Stephanie Fairbairn Alison Gilchrist Fedora Gertzman Avi Kabani

Marina Karastamatis Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda

Penny Renard Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Ifs, ands, and butts. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. This is one for the record books. Content was finished by 11:20pm! It’ll be nice to get more than four hours of sleep for a change. Kudos to Cody, Jessi, and Zac for that.

Jack, too, deserves commendations for his contributions. He’s been really good in the content room lately and I see great potential in him. Keep it up, Jack. A big thanks to Jeff and Robin for doing marvelous design work. Happy belated birthday, Jeff! Graphics, Copy, Web, Distro: Though I rarely mention you in these notes, thank you for your dedication to your work. In case anyone who isn’t on staff reads this ( fat chance), get excited for next issue! It’s going to be “special”. Those quotes are superfluous.

Booster Club This organization runs on caffeine, saturated fats, and high-fructose corn syrup. This issue’s brain fuel was provided by: Rosa, Ryan, Bora, Ariana, Hilary, Stephanie, Jack, Cody, Alison, Zac, and Dylan. Thank you all for your food, beverage, and dining dollar contributions!

March 14, 2012

theMQ.com

Page 3

Failing Public Institution Lends Money to Failing Public Institution

POINT

Ugh, Breast Cancer Isn’t Worth It

BY MIKE SUMMERS

Regretful 5K Runner

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oly crap! I am out of shape! Can I get an inhaler over here or what?

Someone call the medic; I think I feel my aorta coming up from my stomach into my throat. Wait, the aorta is in the stomach right?

I’m all for supporting the fight against breast cancer, but running five kilometers is just not worth it. And it’s not like I came unprepared.

I trained every single day for two months! Ya know, power walking to Five Guys and back. Occasionally I’d have to sprint for a couple hundred feet when those damned street youths on the corner of Stockton Boulevard and 65th would try to steal my wallet.

Wow. This. Is getting. Hard.

Maybe I’ll just sit down on this nice, soft-looking curb, and cheer everyone on. Yeah, you

“I mean, come on,” Mark Yudof said. “We’re not made of mo--oh wait, now we are.”

BY DYLAN BLACKIE AND MONICA BHIDE

Staff Writer and Social Editor

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o bolster its reputation for wise financial decisions, the University of California loaned $200 million to the state of California in early March. Surprisingly, the UC system plans to borrow the money beforehand from an outside lender, rather than just take from the several billion it already has lying around.

“We thought it would be best to keep the transaction separate from our Swiss accounts,” Mark Yudof, UC President, explained.

According to the terms of the loan, the federal government will give money to stu-

dents, who will pay it to the university, which will then lend it to the state. Economic experts have been excited to see that the UC system has created a financial system that is a nice, new twist on a classic money-laundering scheme.

Yudof announced that this process will be repeated manifold, for the loan to the state is the first of many loans. In fact, many of the UC Regents have stated hopes that the practice will become a main tenant of the UC’s purpose and mission statement. Once all the loans have been made, the UC system will still try to hold classes whenever possible.

In a response to the decision, the University of California, San Diego announced the opening of a

new combined economicsmathematics-philosophy seminar class entitled: “Loans, Moans, and Groans: Analyzing the UC Loan Decision of 2012.” This class is heavily anticipated, as it also debuts the newly consolidated economics-mathematicsphilosophy major, which will efficiently replace the three individual majors.

“I’m pretty happy about the change,” a former economics undergraduate said.

“As Keynes always said: ‘The non-linear transformation of a plane, therefore I am.’”

The loan has also affected UCSD in other ways.

The next installment of the Stuart Collection — a piece involving all of the leaves on campus being replaced with dollar bills — will have to be

can do it. Maybe. Oh, you don’t look so good. In the trashcan!

Do that into the trashcan!

Yuck. That’s it, I’m going to need some alternate options to show how much I care about breasts. You know, something that requires less wheezing, less sweating, and no nylon shorts hiking up my crotch. Maybe I’ll apply to work at Victoria’s Secret, so I can see more boobs. Oh, and also to help women wear the correct bra size. Because that’s a big problem or whatever.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

postponed until the 20122013 school year.

“I’m really disappointed,” student Geoff Rothlisberger commented. “I was looking forward to rolling around in the dollar bills after they turn brown and fall off the trees.”

At UCSD, the reactions of students were, unlike the ethnic makeup of the campus, very diverse.

“It’s good that the university has its priorities in order,” Eugene Swenson, a third-year from Warren College, commented. “I’d hate to have the interests of the students get in the way of any potential business venture.”

“It’s not really that big a deal,” Meghna Agarwl noted.

“California already owes us like $1.6 billion, so it’s not like they can just not pay it back.”

Harsh Jury Gives Boring Murderer Four Out of Ten

COUNTERPOINT

Running Is Hurting More Breasts Than It’s Helping

BY ANNA WAKEFIELD Large-Chested

O

h my god! Seriously, all this running is hurting my boobs more than it’s helping. I know it’s hard for people to understand unless they have large boobulas themselves, but these things aren’t a blessing; they’re a curse! Well-endowed my ass.

Speaking of ass, I wish I had more of that so it would be proportional to my fronts!

These breasts are throwing off the equilibrium in everything. I can’t even friggin’ get matching flannel pajama sets because my shirt has to be XXL and the bottoms are S! I mean, sure, men love to ogle them, but here’s reality check, fellows. They’re just mammary glands and fat. And very painful ones at that! I have killer lower back pain from the time I wake up until the time I

go to sleep. The only thing that alleviates the soreness is slathering on a whole tube of Bengay! I smell like my grandma and I’m only 22 years old!

I’m all about raising funds for social and political causes, but trying to run a 5K with these jugs in a sports bra is absolute torture. It’s like trying to support two watermelons in a Brawny paper towel…while the watermelons are bouncing around. Try that on for size.

TOP FIFTEEN

Similarities Between In-N-Out and Your Sex Life

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

“Lying in wait underneath someone’s bed and stabbing them through their mattress is so ‘Friday the 13th’ number one,” one juror complained.

BY ALISON GILCHRIST Staff Writer

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long-awaited decision in the criminal courts of San Diego was recorded today, determining the fate of mass murderer Bill “Downer” Nadler, who was tried for the willful killing of five young men and women over the course of several years. After a short deliberation, the jury emerged from the chamber to present their unanimous decision: four out of 10 points.

When asked about the low score, jury members were unrepentant, claiming to have been “bored stiff” during the trial and “truly disappointed” by the performance of both the lawyers

and Nadler himself.

“When my friends heard I was going to be on the jury for this case, they were all so jealous!” juror Clara Stevens said. “But when I came home every night to tell them all the scandalous details, they got bored pretty quickly. All I wanted was a chance to be the one with the cool story for once, and this is what I get? I demand my money back!”

When asked about the actual circumstances of the murders, Stevens found it difficult to recall precisely what had happened. “I think he picked up some hitchhikers or something and shot them with a pistol. Or maybe it was a shotgun. Oh wait, I think I remember something about a poisoned granola bar. And actually I think they

were pizza deliverers.”

The other jury members reported similar experiences of the court room proceedings, a few going so far as to say they fell asleep. “After he started droning on about victim number two or three or whatever it was, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer,” Maribelle Lewis, retired teacher and avid “Law and Order” fan, said, “Chloroform this, bleach that, we’d all heard it before. If you’re going to kill somebody, at least make it original.”

When asked to explain the low score, juror Troy McCann told reporters he had been disappointed by the case after all the anticipation in the press. “They told me he was a mass-murderer,” McCann complained. “But it

turns out he’s only killed five people, and it took him three years! He obviously wasn’t trying very hard.”

The lawyers, too, received criticism from the jury for their lackluster performance, poor wardrobe decisions, and unconvincing sincerity. “I heard the prosecutor was going to be Heather Tarcher, and I was excited since I liked her in Wolfson v. California,” juror Edward DiPrima said. “But man, she just didn’t put her heart into it this time. Those clothes!

Talk about a bad suit.”

Nadler is scheduled to make a public appearance before his incarceration next week, where he will publicly apologize for his minimal contribution to the world of real-crime stories.

15. Once you’ve had it, you just want more 14. Not everyone appreciates protein style 13. You can’t get any on campus, so you have to go to PB 12. Good enough that you don’t mind the heavy religious overtones 11. Double meat 10. The onion flavor really takes away from the experience 9. It is really greasy and makes you feel sick 8. It’s how you got the nickname “The Flying Dutchman” 7. Always wanted to try a 4x4 6. Tends to make a mess of the table 5. Out of state visitors are always taking pictures 4. You got some after prom 3. You have to keep the animal style a secret 2. They give you the sauce to go if you ask for it nicely 1. Your alternative is Five Guys THE MQ

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

theMQ.com

Page 4

March 14, 2012

UCSD Students Reclaim CLICS, SNAPS, BLIPS, BLOOPS

EDITORIAL

Disney’s “It’s a Small World” Ride Provided an Excellent, Repetitive Study Abroad Experience

BY PETER BLANKENSHIRE Going in Circles

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PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

The pep band has been deprived of musical ability since its inception, but now students are taking matters into their own hands.

BY SAM BARTLEMAN Staff Writer

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ollowing the recent confirmation that the university will be getting rid of CLICS, University of California, San Diego undergraduates have begun to demand renewed access to sound effects of all kinds, including CLICS, SNIPS, SLAPS, CROAKS, and perhaps BLARPS, if the occasion calls for it. Some are even demanding CLOPS. “We have a right to CLICS,” Ralph Hackman, an undergraduate protester, said. “Sure, the university has plenty of money to add a wing to Rady’s, but there’s not enough room in the budget for SNAPS, CRACK-

LES, or even a few POPS? Ridiculous. We’ve got to stand up for our sound-effectbased rights.”

After the “Reclaim CLICS” group gained momentum via social networking sites, a large band of students gathered in Revelle College in early December where students called the student body to action.

Many claim that students use CLICS on a daily basis, even for such mundane tasks as using the internet or extending lead from their mechanical pencils.

Some mentioned that they weren’t even able to put their pants on this morning without using at least some ZRRRRRRRPS. But critics of the cutbacks are not without opposition.

Senior Catherine Williams,

an economics major, is in favor of the recent cuts. “If a tree falls in the Warren forest, does it make a sound? Yes, and that sound must be paid for by your precious tax dollars. These cuts help us all, and there’s no such thing as a free BRUMPH.” Despite opposition from the university and fellow students, a small clamorous group continues to protest, vowing to be heard. Undergraduate student Rachel Mascone conducts the movement.

“CLICS today, the Singing Tree tomorrow, then what?

The bells atop Geisel Library?

I even got a zero on a quiz last week because my ringtone went off as I was finishing up.

We must be accepting of all sounds, whether it be CLICS,

BOOMPHS, BANGS, BOINGS or BINGS!” Bridget Ward, another “reclaimer,” was concerned about the lasting effects that eliminating CLICS would have on the school. “WHIFFS, CLANKS, and even BOINKS should be free for everyone.

Taking away CLICS is a slippery slope to cutting back on THWOMPS, WUBS and BOOFS, which, as clumsy person, I use on a daily basis.

The fact that the regents think I’ll settle for BIFFS or PLOPS is absolutely insulting.”

Despite her disappointment, Ward remained optimistic. “But you know,” she added, “if we can’t have CLICS, I’m glad they’re at least renovating the shitty, dilapidated library up here.”

Wingmen Classified as Endangered Species

PHOTO BY JESSI CARR

Without his fellow man nearby, this solitary bro is unable to approach a potential mate.

BY RYAN GIBBS AND JESSI CARR

Assistant Graphics Editor and Associate Content Editor

I

n a report issued last Tuesday, the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) declared the wingman, or Homo alarum, to be an endangered species, causing bros across the nation to immediately start practicing a broad range of eco-friendly measures, including turning off the water while brushing their teeth and recycling beer cans after parties.

“We noticed a steadily decreasing trend in the population sizes of wingmen around the world,” Daniel Stevenson, IUCN junior conservationist, said. “That’s when it dawned on us what was happening, and we immediately classified them as endangered.”

In the recent study published by the IUCN, the global population of Homo alarum has been decreasing by 84 percent with each generation. Top scientists, led by Dave Johnson, Ph.D., have ascertained the cause of this rapid decline.

“Wingmen don’t mate.

They just don’t get the girl.

It’s really quite fascinating since they obviously have all the skills needed to pick up a woman, but always hand her off to their friend.” Johnson reported. “The only time we see Homo alarum actually end up with a girl and produce offspring is when two wingmen bond with each other and each secure mates for the other.”

The public has also expressed shock and disappointment at the possible loss of the species that many consider vital to the culture of young 20-somethings looking for emotion-free, carnally gratifying nights in clubs, bars, and

concert venues worldwide.

“Remember the good old days? When a guy would go into a bar and start hitting on a hot single, but just as she’s starting to slip away, the wingman makes his move,” Tyler George, a Greenpeace canvasser working to draw attention to the cause, said.

“He rushes over, telling the girl he’s sorry, but the guy really needs to get home and rest, because he’s an astronaut with a mission tomorrow or a spy with a covert operation to accomplish.

That line got me laid so often back before my main man finally succumbed to his own evolutionary failures.”

A related study published by the IUCN failed to identify why the female’s counterpart to wingmen — gay best friends — do not seem to be dying down but rather increasing in population in recent years.

“We are working closely with scientists in order to isolate why this species has been able to survive and adapt to change,” Johnson said, “And when that reason is identified, we plan to find a way to introduce it to the habitat of wingmen in order to ensure that our children and grandchildren will be able to reap the benefits of this invaluable resource.”

To ensure the continuance of the Homo alarum species, individuals have been placed into protective captivity and breeding programs are in development.

“Whoa, wait,” one wingman protested, after being dragged into a cell full of available naked women.

“Have you met my friend?”

“My friend Mr. Penis, that is,” he later added.

ast quarter, I studied abroad. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no, I didn’t go to University of Western Chile or University of Burkina Faso, Ouagadougou. I was given the unique opportunity to live in the “It’s a Small World” ride in Disneyland for 10 weeks, and it was everything I dreamed it would be.

First off, I learned that the world outside of our American bubble is a very savage place.

Because the Disney Corporation forgot to feed me after the first few weeks, and most of the food on the ride honestly tasted like plastic, I had to resort to other tactics. Specifically, I captured, cooked, and ate some of the more overweight tourists, and used their hides to keep warm during the long winter.

Also, I learned that foreigners are actually creepy smiling plastic dolls in their natural habitat. I had no idea!

They hide it well. My real-life Canadian roommate had the biggest look of surprise on his face when I cornered him and tried to remove his costume. He can’t hide from me forever. I know what he really looks like.

The academics in the “It’s a Small World” ride are mostly humanities, and I think I learned a lot. For example, I was taught that it’s a world of laughter AND a world of tears. It’s a world of hopes AND a world of fears. And above all, it’s a small world after all. I didn’t even have to study, it was sung fairly loudly by everyone 24 hours a day for those 10 weeks.

I really took advantage of the linguistics program, and if anybody ever needs to know how to say “It’s a small world after all” in Chinese or German or just about any other language, I can tell them. Over and over and over.

There is also a world-class sailing program. I had no idea sailing could be so easy. The boat almost seemed to steer itself!

Although “It’s a Small World” is a children’s ride built by a soulless multinational corporation, I feel as though I got the full college experience. The parties on the ride were a lot like the IHouse parties, except with more singing and vomiting.

Most tourists don’t notice this, but the lady-dolls on the ride get horny as hell around 2 a.m. One night things got a little wild, and I unbolted a bunch of the dolls from the floor, and we went and egged the Haunted Mansion.

Overall, I’m proud to have gotten out and experienced the world while earning college credits. I made a lot of good friends, and the food was much better than what I usually eat at UCSD. I think that I’ve grown as a person from the experience. And I will never ever get that damn song out of my head. Seriously. Ever.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Mushrooms and Librarians 10. Thrive in cold, dark environments 9. They grow on you 8. The ones that will kill you look identical to the ones that won’t from a distance 7. Not actually much help with your research paper 6. If you eat the right kinds you can get high 5. Asexual 4. Your roommate keeps one in the closet 3. Illegal to harvest 2. You talked to one your freshman year 1. Evolutionarily diverged from humans a long time ago

TOP TEN

Similarities Between an Infant and a New Phone 10. Prefer them when they’re silent 9. Rarely a good idea to get one used 8. The smarter they get, the more work they can do for you 7. You left it at the grocery store that one time 6. Should have gotten the family plan 5. Friends sick of hearing about it 4. Have to dispose of it in a special recycling bin 3. Teenagers shouldn’t have them 2. It was really hard to get out of the packaging 1. If you drop it, it stops working

theMQ.com

March 14, 2012

Page 5

March First Participants Reclaim Chancellor’s Complex, Proclaim Love for Chancellor

“We hope she has space for us in her heart,” one student said. “But if not, she’ll make room in the budget.”

BY JESSI CARR AND JACK BEEGAN

Associate Content Editor and Staff Writer

O

n Thursday, March 1, students gathered to celebrate their unwavering support for University of California, San Diego Chancellor Marye Anne Fox, University of Califonia President Mark Yudof, and the current state of the UC system.

These admirers, representing a diverse cross-section of the student body, presented the Chancellor with a list of compliments commending her on a job well done in running the day-to-day affairs of the school.

The day began with a “walkout” in which students

and faculty left class at 11:30 a.m.

“The goal of a walkout is not to skip class,” student organizer Randall Chu said.

“The walkout shows the administration that we value their bureaucratic abilities and high salaries much more than the education we’re overpaying for.”

Following the walkout, a rally was held in front of Geisel Library, which included many speakers and faculty who were eager to voice their content with both the administration of the school and the entire UC system, with many of the speakers ignoring the gratuitous four-minute time limit allocated for their praise.

“It’s just so heartwarming to see that UCSD finally has found a way to unite our oth-

erwise divided campus,” social science professor Larry Huggins gushed. “I haven’t seen students and faculty acting together this much since that barbeque was held a few years ago.”

“In 1980, the state of California spent $625.4 million on the penitentiary system and $1.9 billion on education. In 2011, these numbers shifted to $9.6 billion and $5.7 billion respectively. Now that’s progress!” Revelle College student Karen Barr said. “I mean, what would we do with all that money? Have a literature building without asbestos?”

The day ended with students holding a parade through the Price Center in honor of Fox and Yudof, which ended in a conference room in the Chancellor’s Complex.

PHOTO BY JESSI CARR

There, students rushed into the room and began dismantling it, taking down photographs of the current administration and plaques in hopes of having their own mementos of their esteemed leaders.

They then set up camp in the building, refusing to leave until being given the chance to see the chancellor in the flesh, a lifelong aspiration for many.

“I just think this whole thing is so great, being able to really show our gratitude for the opportunities being given to us by the Regents and company” Sixth College junior Matt Rodriguez explained. “But it really is a shame that we couldn’t get more of a turnout than we did. I’d hate to have her think some of the students are upset with her or something.”

Obama Moves to Extend Extension of Payroll Tax Extension

POINT

I’m So Happy I’m Single

BY MATT AGOS

Current Bachelor

L

ove is selfish. When I look at the couples in my life who are in relationships, I interpret that preposition in its most literal sense — they have been in the bowels of a bloated, “(500) Days of Summer”-loving whale. Ew. They think that their “unique” love is so special, but at any point in time, one of them is complaining about the complexity of being in a relationship. You know what my friend said the other day? “She understands that I have the dietary restrictions of an aging diabetic, the attention span of a toddler, and the cooking skills of a college freshman, but I don’t know if she’s the one.”

I mean, come on! What’s the point of being in a relationship if you’re going to angst about it the whole time? I don’t need your relationship drama in my life. I already get enough Ian McEwan, thank you.

Couples make Congress look

efficient. Have you ever seen a couple at IKEA? No, they know better than to run into a room that is full of options and choices, because after an hour of debating the merits of the Alslev versus the Emmie, someone will be stabbed by a Gaffel. Just pick a rug already!

Luckily, I don’t have to spend hours poring through a Zagat guide every Friday night, arguing about whether or not Pan-Asian is a real cuisine, then ending up ordering Chinese.

My evenings are never subjected to this. I know I’m going to order Chinese. And when it gives me gas, there’s no one to complain.

COUNTERPOINT

I’m So Happy I’m Married

BY BETTY FLORRICK Former Bachelorette

Y

ou’d think that single people would be more carefree than those of us who have significant others, but that’s not the case. You’d think they’d be able to spend more time out on the town, meeting people and socializing. But they’re the ones who usually spend entire Friday nights on Tumblr reblogging “Doctor Who” gifs and saying that their lives are so fulfilled by anything penned by Steven Moffat.

Married people spend less living together, and in this economy, that counts. Sure, I have to cram my stuff into a 400-square-foot apartment with fifteen other boxes of my boyfriend’s genuine Delftware, and he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night, saying that he’s hungry, to make “baked” French toast. I’m pretty sure that’s not a real dish, even if he says he learned at the Lower Lower East Side Institution of Cooking.

And sure, I’m the main breadwinner in this relation-

ship, which is ironic, given that he comes home every Tuesday harping about the difficulties of kneading dough and letting yeast levitate or whatever.

What’s more, if I even make the slightest mention of my own yeast infection, he immediately turns on the TV, goes to HSN, and tries to buy more Delftware. Good thing he’s willing to buy me Monistat if I rub him the right way.

As in sex. Because I am in a committed relationship.

Man, I love being able to say that. And anyway, why do single people like “(500) Days of Summer” so much? That movie’s just depressing.

TOP TEN

Signs Your Internet Girlfriend May Not Be Real

“After that, I’m gonna need some recovery and reinvestment,” the first lady said.

BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor

O

n February 21, President Barack Obama announced the passage of a bill that would extend a payroll tax cut that had been set to expire. Now, the twomonth extension is set to expire, and Obama is advocating for a further extension.

“Extending this extension would be the most meaningful thing I have done for the middle class in my whole presidency,” he said in a recent address to Congress.

Obama has a good track record during his presidency of securing extensions on legislation that has been previously passed. Along with extending the payroll tax extension, he has managed to increase the duration of unemployment benefits over 90 times. Political analysts say that the difficulty of get-

ting any legislation passed in Washington, let alone bills that would help legitimately struggling Americans, makes this feat extremely impressive and bodes well for Obama’s chances for reelection.

“Obama is one of the staunchest defenders of the American people,” New York Times columnist David Brooks said. “He has never once in his presidency backed down from any of his campaign promises, nor has he given in to partisanship and excessive compromising to attempt to unsuccessfully woo Republican votes.”

Although Obama’s proud advocacy for the middle class will most likely win him liberal votes in the upcoming presidential election, it is his extension of United States’ involvement in the Middle East that has captured the attention of more conservative voters. Despite run-

ning on an anti-war agenda, Obama’s extension of troop levels in Afghanistan pleased many Republicans, while his recent withdrawal of all soldiers from Iraq resonated with Democrats.

According to Brooks, other notable legislation from the Obama administration includes a health care law “cleverly designed to be so ineffective it can’t help but provoke actual change,” and a suspension of habeas corpus to “get those goddamn terrorists once and for all.”

Facing extreme opposition from Republicans in Congress, Obama’s office has been forced to judiciously veto proposed legislation that he views as harmful to the American people. “You have to understand that Republicans have an enormous incentive for him to fail — when legislation he passes results in disaster, they can blame him. So, of course,

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

they keep sending him bills that are detrimental and even dangerous for America!” Brooks said.

“These people keep sending me bills like ‘A Resolution to Declare Puppies More Cute Than Kittens’ or ‘A Bill to Eliminate Womens’ Rights Forever,’” Obama wrote in a recent veto statement. “I could never lie to the American people and declare anything to be cuter than kittens!”

“Also, uh, yeah, women are people, too, I guess,” he added.

“He’s perhaps one of the most politically savvy people in Washington,” Brooks said.

“Either that, or he’s a complete idiot.”

Obama’s allegedly impressive extension talents aren’t limited only to the political realm. Michelle Obama speaks very highly of his worth as a husband, praising his abilities to “drive the point home” and apply his silver tongue to “a lot more than speeches.”

10. She is interested in you 9. “Cleverbot” is a very unusual name for a girl 8. When you get together on Chatroulette she looks strangely like a penis 7. Your uncle is always online when you are talking to her 6. She said she would be wearing a red dress when she met you, but it is clearly maroon 5. The only thing she ever wants to talk about is the Turing test 4. She has blocked you four separate times and keeps saying her name is Ralph 3. She has never sent you a message that is not a URL 2. Nobody that young could be that beautiful 1. You don’t have Internet access THE

MQ

Your parents don’t love you, but we might! Probably not.

Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

Page 6

March 14, 2012

theMQ.com

In the movies, the bad guys always get caught. In real life, you have a better chance, provided you didn’t do something stupid. Because you probably did, here are some ways to make sure you’re prepared when the cops catch up to you.

The mug shot photo, much like the senior portrait, tends to become famous after someone dies.

Since you know this will be seen by thousands of judgmental assholes around the world, make sure to get the best picture you can.

• If you’ve been using illegal drugs, there’s no reason to freak out. Just smile and show the cop your medical crystal meth card. Works every time.

• Drive it like you stole it. Because you stole it.

• Shoot the police officer again.

• If you’re unsure what you’ve done is bad, just ask.

“If a person is murdered in a forest, and no one is there to see it, is it still a crime?”

• Pursue a career in something that will protect you: police officer, politician, diplomat, or not being a minority, to name a few.

• Increase initial bribe offer. There are no diminishing marginal returns when it comes to bribery.

Make sure that the camera captures your best side – namely, the one that didn’t get burned off in that nasty meth lab explosion.

Ask the guards to give you bunny ears. Combine that with your duckface, and chances are the ASPCA will have you out in minutes.

You’ll get way more comments on your photo if you don’t go for a mirror picture and just stick with the classic Myspace shot.

Bring a mug, because you’re a really funny guy.

Start He re no

none white

yes

male

landowning yes

no

yes

no

not until I’m 18

yes

can’t think of one

not enough lots

no thanks

Hardeep Dangercocks

no

take off? enough to pay you off

yes

all of it

no

no

yes no

yes

yes

no

I’m supposed to be stealing money?

not really no

no no

yes

yes yes no

yes no

I don’t know

I don’t know

yes

no

yes

theMQ.com

March 14, 2012

Page 7

The MQ’s Guide to the

Justice System Surely, you’ve seen enough network TV to know that the interrogation is the single most important part of your trial. Even if they have the evidence, they’re not going to pin it on you unless you break down and confess – so don’t.

And while you’re at it, follow these helpful tips.

• Stop over-dramaticizing your family dinner.

“I don’t have to tell you how old he is”

• Put things in perspective by confessing to much worse crimes. “I’m just kidding, I didn’t kill 500 people,” you’ll say. “Just one.”

• Give a shout out to your accomplice for helping you make it all this way– he deserves some recognition!

• Remember, cops are human too. Divert the heat from yourself by slowly turning the bad cop against the good cop.

• First impressions are important. Make sure to have your resume ready, and use concrete examples when explaining why you’re the best candidate for the position.

• Know your rights! If they haven’t figured out what you did in 20 questions, you’re off the hook.

Your testimony is the only chance you’ll get to speak the truth – so make sure you don’t. Here’s a helpful word search full of phrases you might have to use, and some you definitely shouldn’t say. Hope you’ll find the right ones!

All 12 jurors

Attorney

Pros Hung jury.

Cons May alienate the ones who didn’t want you to sleep with them.

Pros Exam ensures he’s very good with his bar.

Cons Yells his own name during sex.

Bailiff

Judge

Pros There’s something sexy about a failed cop.

Cons Yells the judge’s name during sex.

Pros A definitive answer to the age old question: “Is a judge just two midgets standing on one another?”

Cons Stays in one position for life.

That 17-year-old girl Pros Double jeopardy means you can’t be tried for it.

Cons You might have to stop sleeping with her mother.

Word List

ANTIPSYCHOTICS EXTREME DURESS HAD IT COMING INEBRIATED JESUS KIDS LOVE ME LIFELESS BODY LOLJK METH MIRANDA RIGHTS OBJECTION PINEAPPLE PORNOGRAPHY RACIAL PROFILING SHE SAID YES SHOT THE GUY SO MUCH BLOOD STRIP SEARCH SUPER INNOCENT THE VOICES WHICH BITCH?

Prison Gangs Now that you’re in prison, you’ll have to make one, maybe two, independent decisions for the rest of your life. By far the most important one is which gang to join. These people will become your parents, your siblings, your common-law same-sex partners. Choose wisely.

Aryan Motherhood

Slogan “White power, white flour!”

Known for Burning cross-stitching.

Reasons to join Baking sugar cookies is fun regardless of whether there are swastikas on them, and they provide protection from the Sisterhood of the Incarcerated Pants.

Initiation Prove your dedication by cutting up the brownies.

The Octogenarians

Slogan “This care home is like a prison!”

Known For Being the largest prison group due to popularity of life sentences.

Reasons to Join Frequent turnover makes it easy to rise to top of organization.

Initation Go for a week without changing your Depends.

The Mighty Ducks

Slogan “Ducks are incarcerated together!”

Known For Representing all ten Canadians currently in prison, bringing ice skates to a shiv fight.

Reasons to Join They make your webbed feet and corkscrew-shaped penis seem less bizarre.

Initiation Tie fat kid to a goal, shoot pucks at him.

Calpirg

Slogan “Mr. Representative, tear down these walls.”

Known For Neon green and orange gang colors.

Reasons to Join Literally nowhere to escape from them. And they make you feel you can make a difference in your prison community.

Initation Collect enough signatures to get halfbaked voter initiative on 2012 ballot.

theMQ.com

Page 8

March 14, 2012

White House Responds to Ides of March Threat

POINT

Spring Break! Let’s Tear It Up!

BY BOBBY JONES

Freshman Study-holic

H

ey guys! I don’t know if you realize that spring break is like NOW! And if you need to hop on my party van to NorCal, there’s still room. My mom really won’t mind another pale, CS major cowering from sunlight and hiding in a hoodie with ear buds. And I can’t tell you how happy I’d be to have you join me!

I just want this to be the best spring break ever. This is the first time I’m going to stay out past nine. I’m going to the late night bowling! It’s super cheap! Fits every college budget. So I was thinking, I know you’re going to be busy with your girlfriend and all, but I think we should be tearing it up! Like applesauce and bananas. What do you mean that’s not a saying? It really is. I promise. Everyone loves applesauce and bananas; they’re just the most fun.

I’m planning on going back to my high school, ya know, just to prove to all those AP teachers that I’ve

finally picked up what they thought I’d never learn. I even made myself a “social skills” certificate. Would you mind signing it? It would mean a lot to me!

Anyway, spring break, it’s totally like spring in a break. So Mario Kart all damn Saturday night, you’re invited. Oh, I cursed! I cursed! I need to censor my language before my mom washes it out with Dawn soap. It really only happened that once. I promise!

Well, back to the party – it’s going to be hopping! We might even get some limes and some Diet Coke! I really hope you can make it!

COUNTERPOINT

“Damn it, Sasha, take that mask off. This is serious business.” the President said.

BY JESSI CARR

Associate Content Editor

W

hite House officials reported this weekend that the White House and its surrounding areas will be on increased security through Thursday evening after Secret Service officers found what they believe to be a warning message and details of an upcoming assassination plot on President Obama, who was scheduled to address the senate.

“Friends, Republicans, countrymen, lend me your ears,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at a press conference early Wednesday morning. “I come to shame these damn terrorist son-of-a-bitches, not to praise them.”

Carney explained that the threat — a statement

proclaiming “Beware the Ides of March,” complete with outlines for a “good ol’ fashioned surprise stabbing,” was found in a spiralbound, three subject, wideruled Mead notebook in the Obama family’s personal living space within the White House late Tuesday evening.

“This shows that not only do the perpetrators have a way to bypass our state of the art security system,” he said, “but that they are also careless enough to leave their plans behind. I really think we have a chance at getting these guys.”

When asked about reports that two of the co-conspirators named in the plot found in the notebook, known only by their initials “C” and “B,” were in fact none other than Obama’s close friends and political comrades Hilary Clinton and Joseph Biden.Carney vehemently denied any con-

nection between the two.

“Since finding the details of the threat last night, we have launched a full investigation into Secretary of State Clinton’s possible involvement in the threat and found that any references to her activity in the plot are purely coincidental,” he assured reporters. “And Biden is an honorable man.”

Despite the Secret Service’s assurances that the threat poses no real danger, sources say that it has many worried, including first lady Michelle Obama. Though all official reports have been denied, many close to the first lady claim that she has become uneasy about the possibility of danger and has begged President Obama not to give a speech to the Senate Friday morning. However many cabinet members, including Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education, have

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY SPRING BREAK

urged Obama to continue with his address.

Although the identity of the would-be assassin remains unknown, the Secret Service released a criminal profile and encouraged Americans to be on the lookout for suspicious persons fitting a composite profile based on information in the notebook, which included a seemingly strange obsession with practicing the FOIL method and drawing anatomically incorrect male genitalia, as well as an affinity for an unknown person, possibly a co-conspirator, identified by the name “J. Beebs.”

On a seemingly unrelated note, the White House has also announced that it is conducting a search for first daughter Malia Obama’s school notebook, which was reported stolen the same night that the threat was left in the family living room.

Supreme Court Overturns Proposition 8, God Vetoes Earth

BY JACK BEEGAN

Like Spring In a Break

H

ey Bobby, I heard that you have big plans for me.

Kid, seriously? You will never be able to stay awake all night for that Mario Kart party, at least not without some help.

Who the hell wants to put limes in a Diet Fucking Coke?

Limes are for shots. Shots of booze, alcohol, some damn tequila. You put down that controller and come over here.

Let me tell you about a real spring break. You should be driving cross country and break down outside Vegas.

It’s more fun when you don’t have a hotel booked. Trust me, all the ladies will love the “Windstar-Love-Mobile.”

Kid, we’ll get you some color and some swag. You’ll be running this place before the night is out. Yes you will be a warrior returning victorious home. Will there be cake? You want some cake? Fine, I’ll get you some cake.

I see a big future for you.

I’m thinking beach. Bitches.

Bikinis. Badasses. That last one is you. Yes, you. Just trust me on this. Step one is to unlock that liquor cabinet. That’s it my boy, just jiggle that key a little to the left. YES! Open!

And you didn’t even need to break the glass. Look at how considerate you are.

Now you go ahead and open that whiskey bottle. Take a swig. Bigger swig. One for the road. I can’t believe how much fun this is going to be. Ya know, kid, I am going to tear you up.

TOP TEN

Doctor’s Office Waiting Room Pick Up Lines

Staff Writer

F

ollowing the California Supreme Court’s overruling of the Proposition 8 ban on gay marriage, God chose to veto all life on Earth in a move insiders have dubbed his “Nothing Left Behind” campaign.

“Look, I let you guys do pretty much anything,” God explained. “Kill in my name, send your kids to die for your own selfish reasons, and destroy this awesome planet I gave you. But two people of the same sex signing a government contract? What are you, animals?”

“I can’t even believe I made you.” He added. “I leave you alone for 6000 years and this is what happens?”

The decision comes at a disadvantageous time for God, who has recently come under fire for his extrajudicial assassination of Whitney Houston.

“Things weren’t looking good for the big man already,” political analyst Lauren Tse said. “If, somehow, this whole thing doesn’t work out, a good PR move would be to send his son. That guy knew how to throw a party.”

Furthermore, many are questioning God’s motives.

Some believe he is trying to get back at humanity for killing off all the dinosaurs. Others say he is punishing Wal-Mart for carrying Halal-certified food, while another largely subscribed-to opinion holds that

I’m Going to Tear You Up.

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

Sometimes God works in mysterious ways. Other times he hits people with meteors.

God is angry at the world because France hates freedom.

In the immediate aftermath of the veto, God began preparations for his clumsily nicknamed “War on All Life on Earth” by appointing Conquest (D-VT), War (RTX), Pestilence (I-CA), and Death (D-FL), to his Seven Seals committee.

Though the situation looks dire, Greg Dabic, a member of religious think tank “We Don’t Have Proof But We’re Pretty Certain We’re

Right,” is optimistic. “There’s still hope for humanity. God has flip-flopped on this issue before,” Dabic commented.

“Remember the last time he wanted to wipe out the entire planet? He ended up saving that guy with the boat and telling him he’d never do anything like that again. So it’s still kind of up in the air right now.”

Others have a much darker outlook.

Katherine Hartline, founder of the apocalypse awareness organization

“GAY2K” believes God is serious this time. “One time, God turned a staff into a snake and some guy wasn’t impressed,” she said. “You know what he did? He killed that guy’s kid.”

Sources close to God say his plans are still vague, but suggest that he plans to complete his destruction of Earth by pulling the Sun out of its orbit around the Earth and sending it crashing into our world.

What this means for your weekend: tonight at 6:00.

10. Is that a malignant tumor or are you just happy to see me?

9. I lost my rectal thermometer, can I have yours?

8. Help me, I think I’m having a str7. I have a snakebite on my groin 6. Hi, have you seen my gerbil?

5. Stop crying, I asked if you were a cancer 4. Did it hurt? When you flu down from heaven?

3. I might have mono, but I swear I’m bi 2. While we’re waiting, do you want to play doctor?

1. Help, I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up!

Like what you see?

THE MQ Tuesdays.

6pm.

Half Dome.

theMQ.com

March 14, 2012

Page 9

Joe Biden Not Sure He Has Another Four Years in Him

POINT

It’ll Be So Hard to Pick Between Harvard and Yale!

BY ASHLEY WHITTAKER

Prospective Medical School Applicant

H

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“No, you’re too drunk to run the country,” Biden said. “And you will not talk that way about the second lady!”

BY CODY DONAHUE

L

Content Editor

ast Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden addressed the nation to announce that, as the man behind absolutely everything that has happened since Barack Obama became president, he simply does not feel that he is up to spending another four years as “leader of the free world and minor associated territories.”

Biden cited his gray hair as just “one of many” signs that the vice presidency has aged him beyond his years, and asked that the general public respect his wish to step down and “maybe let Hilary have a shot at the vice presidency or something.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Biden said. “It’s been a real

honor to serve this country, particularly because no one knew it was me serving this country. I’ve gotten to know each and every one of you well, and I’ll really miss listening in on your private telephone conversations.”

“Especially yours, Mary,” he added, with what appeared to be an attempt to close one eye while keeping the other open. “You’re a real threat to my national security.

If you know what I mean.”

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, upon being asked not to ever comment on the announcement, and preferably any other political situation either, opted instead to hold a press conference. “It’s a real surprise to me,” she stated. “But I wish the best to you, Joey-boy. Go get ‘em!”

The announcement also

came as a shock to the majority of the public, many of whom indicated on a recent poll that their knowledge of the vice president was limited to “Saturday Night Live” clips and conversations in which they attempted to appear intelligent by saying his name.

“No, I know who Joe Biden is,” one respondent said.

“That guy who’s always hanging around the president, right? A little funny in the head? Black suit, sunglasses, and an earpiece?”

However, some have come forward to back up Biden’s claim, noting the suspicious lack of proof or even prior suspicion. “The way I see it, if you didn’t see it coming, that’s probably because it’s true,” John Baldridge said. “Facts, statistics, live evidence, these are things that people use

when they’re trying desperately to trick you into believing something that isn’t true.”

Others simply welcomed the change, noting how the similarity of the words “Joe” and “No” lend themselves easily to creative campaign slogans like “No Biden.”

“Of course, it doesn’t give us a good substitute for the phrase Obamacare,” activist Jeffery Weiner said. “But we’ll probably just continue to call it ‘socialism.’”

Biden, who closed his speech with a minute of silence for the parts of his body that used to be youthful, assured America that he understood that this must be a “trying, strange time for everyone,” but emphasized that he felt “whatever idiot you replace me with” would be “good enough.”

Welcome back, Tritons!

This is your favorite made-up game show, “So You Think You Can Chancell,” and I’m your favorite real-life game show host, Sparky Oceanridge. I know you’ve been teetering on the edge of your lecture seats, and not just because learning about glycolysis makes you really need to pee. Unfortunately, we’ve reached the stage in our game where all future proceedings will be tip-top secret until the very end, but for those of you who need to catch up on the remainder of our season, here’s a recap: MERKEL

ARNOLD

Unfortunately for the future of the university, Angela Merkel’s real life chancelling abilities and impressive resume were unable to aid her in the first feat of skill the contestants faced. Though she tried her hardest, she could not complete the “Ferrous Cook Challenge” of making a wedding cake out of an egg, a tortoise, and a brick in the two-hour time limit. Despite the fact that celebrity guest judge Tyra Banks declared her fondant roses to be the most intricate that she’s seen since her early days as a cake model in Paris, her inability to properly whisk the egg into stiff peaks ruined both her ability to hold her cake together and her chances of advancing on to the next round.

DUMBLEDORE The only candidate with any firsthand experience both running a top-level educational institute and successfully whistling with a mouthful of saltine crackers unfortunately met his demise yet again in the show’s third episode.

During the four-legged race team building challenge, Dumbledore was paired with A Horse of Some Sort. Though they had an early lead, tragedy struck when an onlooker threw a seven-volume book at his beard in protest of his decision to allow students of the same sex to bunk together at Hogwarts. Dumbledore was knocked off the A Horse of Some Sort and horrifically crushed to his fourth death by the team of his competitors, Genericorp and Whitesell.

REMAINING CONTESTANTS:

JIM WHITESELL

A HORSE OF SOME SORT

Although America’s favorite former body-builder was considered by many to be the next front-runner after Merkel’s departure, his housemates unanimously voted him off in the second episode after his refusal to support the group’s decision to switch from Wisk to Tide detergent. Also in this episode: Special guest Jeff Probst led remaining contestants in a reward challenge where contenders had to resolve the soverign debt crisis in Europe while blindfolded. Though Dumbledore managed to not only solve the crisis, and did so with fantastic panache, he was disappointed to find that the prize was a three-day to month-long stay in an unspecified, exotic desert locale with fifteen strangers and politely declined.

GENERICORP Genericorp was dishonorably disqualified in what would have been last week’s episode after a hotly-debated incident involving the hot tub, an open bar, and a box of Thin Mint cookies. Despite the producer’s decision to withhold the incriminating footage due to fear of a defamation lawsuit, photos of the event posted on A Horse of Some Sort’s Twitter account show a nude Genericorp stumbling around the contestant’s mansion’s front yard holding what appears to be an effigy of the current chancellor. Though no official reports have confirmed the rumors, Genericorp allegedly admitted to having purchased the University of California system years ago and has been operating the business with increasing profits ever since. The corporation even confessed to planting the idea for the television show in order to finally get its 15 minutes of fame.

ell to the yeah! I just got hired as a research assistant to autoclave and make buffers. This is going to be the cherry on top of my resume. Admissions officers are going to be drooling at my feet once I get published in Cell! Medical school, here I come!

The admissions boards will be so impressed with all the experience I have under my belt — volunteering at a medical clinic in Tijuana, paying a membership fee to the pre-medical society, and a general biology degree to flash in their face. Maybe I’ll tack on a specialization like physiology for that extra pizzazz. I’ll definitely stand out!

And, not to toot my own horn, but I am extremely charismatic and goodlooking. I’ll practice for the med school interviews by charming all my professors

during office hours. They’ll want to be my best friend and write me stellar letters of recommendation.

Obviously, I am a genius because I got a five on the AP Biology test in high school.

And I read WebMD, crossreferenced with Wikipedia, for all my science facts. Born ready! If that does not scream qualified, then I don’t know what does! Who wouldn’t want me to be their doctor?

I bet I’ll have acceptance letters coming in left and right.

The only tough question is…

Harvard or Yale?

COUNTERPOINT

It’ll Be So Hard to Pick Between Janitorial and Food Service Work!

BY ASHLEY WHITTAKER

A

Four Years Later

rghh! I don’t know where I went wrong during these last four years! I’ve studied so hard in every single class and I KNOW I’m smarter than everyone. I was always in the top five percent of my class in high school! Everyone always asks so many dumb questions that I already know the answer to. The Cs and Ds aren’t an accurate reflection of me at all!

The professors in all those classes sucked. They were just trying to stifle my ingenuity with thinking they’re right all the time with their Nobel Prizes and shit. You know, general chemistry. And physics. And organic chemistry. And biology. All of them were bad! All of them!

No big deal. I’ll just reapply again this coming cycle and they’ll have to accept me! Those mofos will see what a huge mistake they’ve made. This time I’ll mention that creative writing contest I won — well, entered, back in freshman year! I also took an “Introduction to Music” class for my GEDs. It just

wasn’t clear enough how wellrounded I am!

I’m not working with Dr. Xing anymore, but whatever.

Anyone could mix up NaOH and HCl! They’re all clear liquids. Like it makes a difference what you put with what, but still they fired me. Can you believe that? Dr. Xing doesn’t know what he had, besides his third-degree face burns.

In the meantime, I’ll just work up my savings again to re-apply. I hear they’re hiring a sandwich-constructing engineer at the Subway down the street, or maybe I’ll become a hygiene and maintenance specialist at Taco Bell. I’ll definitely get hired at one of those places. No low-wage jobs for me. I’m too good for that.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Getting a Haircut and Hiring a Prostitute 10. Bad childhood memories 9. Gay men are the best at it 8. Only have four inches, won’t last as long as you like 7. Get drunk on a Wednesday and wake up with one 6. When it’s over you smile and pretend you’re satisfied 5. If you buy a $40 device you can do it yourself 4. Always wish you could see what they were doing with the backside 3. Mitt Romney has had the same one for 15 years 2. Just because they’re ugly doesn’t mean they’re bad at what they do 1. Have to do it every month THE MQ

Heave a sigh of relief.

Page 10

March 14, 2012

theMQ.com

Third-Year Leaves Campus for the First Time

As this student returned to campus, he regretted his conversion to Mormonism.

BY JERIC PEREDA

E

Staff Writer

arlier this week, a University of California, San Diego residential security officer reported finding a student “stumbling onto campus” at the university’s Gilman Drive entrance. The officer initially assumed that the student was inebriated, but later discovered that he was suffering from severe disorientation and malnutrition.

The student was identified as Jack Smith, a third year who still lives on campus.

Smith had boarded what he thought was the Campus Loop Shuttle earlier that morning, but had in fact stepped onto the MTS Super Loop. When he realized his error, it was too late and the vehicle had already driven for five minutes off campus.

Smith reported feeling

terror when he first stepped off the bus, saying he felt “dizzy” and unsure of where he was. Having never heard of UTC, he assumed that he had entered what he called the “University of Texas College.” Smith wandered the streets looking for help, but, due to living on UCSD campus for over two years, lacked the communication skills necessary to ask for it.

The undergraduate claimed he had grown up with horror stories of the McDonald’s corporation, but unsure of how far away starvation lay, he decided to bite the bullet and eat at one of their local restaurants.

He was confused to find out that neither that restaurant nor any of the others in the area accepted dining dollars.

Without any other options, Smith was forced to resort to desperate measures and use

the credit card his parents gave him for emergencies.

As it grew dark, Smith became desperate to return to the safety and luxury of his dorm room, with its pre-med roommate and high-flush toilets, and began finding his way back using only his knowledge of his surroundings, a flashlight, and his iPhone 4S. He first attempted to contact some of his more worldly friends — those who had taken the Hillcrest Shuttle and returned unscathed— through Facebook, but they assumed it was a joke and simply liked his status. He tried to call his family’s chauffeur, but found out that it would take him at least a day to get to La Jolla by plane to pick him up. “The people I could turn to for help abandoned me,” Smith said.

Left without the help of his friends or family, he decided he had no other choice but to

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

brave the “crime and povertyridden streets of La Jolla” and walk back to campus.

By the time Smith returned to UCSD, he was out of breath and mumbling that he hadn’t “studied at all today.” When the RSO found Smith, he asked if he had been drinking. “And I thought Sixth College was far,” Smith answered, before passing out.

The RSO took Smith to the Thornton Hospital emergency room to be examined, where he received a Band-Aid and was promptly released from the hospital.

“I’ve left the campus twice before this,” Smith said. “I didn’t want to leave after each school year ended, but my parents insisted.” However, Smith currently has no plans to leave the campus again, as he feels it doesn’t prepare him for life like college classes do.

Local LARPers Realize That They Hate Outdoor Activities

POINT

These Planes Are Too Loud!

BY THERESE XU

H

On Cellphone

i, Mom, how’s Los Angeles? I miss you soooo much; can I come home this weekend? Oh god, hold on, I can’t hear you, there are those fucking planes. No, Mommy, I didn’t just say a bad word — you must have just heard the engine noise wrong.

I thought living in San Diego would be all beaches and sun and my biggest problem would be an apathetic student body that goes home every weekend, but no! Soon after I arrived, I discovered that there’s this military base that flies all these stupid planes all the time, and my lovely blue sky is frequently marred by suspiciously plump contrails.

No, Mom, I think that’s just how planes work. I’m pretty sure the government doesn’t do that on purpose.

Okay, fine. I’ll see if I can ask my poli sci professor next class. He’s totally my favorite,

because he really cares about his students and I feel so welcome here in college — Uh, hold on, here’s another one. Honestly, they are so inconvenient and rude!

How dare they interrupt my conversation like that! Yes, Mom, I am waiting in line for the bus. That reminds me — the other day I had this burrito and I was waiting in line for the bathroom and I just got the worst shits of my life, they were so, like, runny and — Okay, this is clearly not working. I guess I’ll just Skype you later.

COUNTERPOINT

I Am a Machine of Might and Power

BY VINTAGE CESSNA AT-17 BOBCAT WWII-era Training Plane

T

he United States faces all kinds of threats these days, and it’s my job to make sure the skies over San Diego stay safe. We could face an attack at any time, from any country, and all the diplomatic phone calls in the world aren’t nearly as useless as these two guns here on my wings.

I, Flappy the Plane, am here to keep you safe! Yet all you civilians seem to do is whine. “I can’t hear my phone conversations, waaah.” Your conversation is pathetic and meaningless compared to the national security concerns I deal with every day.

If I had my way, that kind of complaint would have you arrested by the CIA on the spot!

So when I’m leaving my contrail across the sky and deafening everyone you

love, be in awe of the amazing power of the American military machine. My pilot is working night and day to learn how to actually fly me, and even though I get a little scuffed up on the landings, the sacrifice is worth it.

So shut up about how inconvenienced you are by the fearsome noise of my mighty engines, because one of them actually had to be replaced last week when Lt. Briggs ran me into that supply shed.

TOP TEN

Things to Do if Your Teacher Doesn’t Speak English

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

“As a joke, someone replaced all the swords with real ones,” one onlooker explained. “It was a very funny joke.”

BY ROSA CHO

L

Staff Writer

ast Friday, four members of the Lord of the Rings roleplay group “Children of the Silmarillion” simultaneously held their first session outdoors and realized that running around in elaborate costumes in the sunny outdoors simply shall not pass.

“Sure, our characters live in Middle Earth and their adventures mostly consist of them roaming around,” Edna “Galadriel, Lady of Light” Farmer, leader of the group, said. “But look at this dress!

It took me a week to find the materials and a month to put together. Now, I’ve got dirt

on it and the hem’s ripped.”

After many of the members complained about rising issues of damaged costumes and how “unfathomably sweltering” the days were, the group decided to take a look at the likelihood that the members’ bodies or egos would be able to survive any more time outdoors.

“Our sessions first began during monthly gatherings at Edna’s home to dress up and reenact scenes either from the books themselves or from scripts made from online chats,” Ellie “Aragorn’s Long-Lost Sister” Tennyson explained. “It’s really fun stuff, once you’re in the costume and are able to bring your fantasies to life…. But

I guess it’s better if you don’t have to worry about random strangers staring at you.”

“I may be a dwarf, but, really now, this is too much,” Peter “Gimli” Macintosh admitted.

“I mean, I’ve often had to deal with climbing up more than my own fair share of hills and places, but at least when we were role-playing in Galadriel’s — I mean Edna’s basement — I was spared climbing up any damn hills. To you, a hill is just nothing but an ant burrow sticking up from the ground.

To me, they’re like mountains!

Gimli may have descended from the mountain folk, but I’m no bear man!”

The Children of the Silmarillion unanimously decided that their sessions will

now exclusively be limited to the Internet and the usual monthly sessions at Farmer’s home, but players are welcome to wear their costumes during internet role-playing to add more authenticity to the session.

“It’s a bitter and hard decision,” Farmer said. “And it certainly forces us to change from a live action role-playing group to simply roleplaying, but hey, it’s only fair and convenient that way.”

Still, the group admitted that being forced to remain as simply role-players was the greatest blow to them since “The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” hit the market, causing most of the members to leave to fight as Dragonborn.

10. Proceed to skip lecture as usual 9. Play the podcast backwards, maybe it’s just backwards English 8. Demand on your CAPE evaluation that he be deported 7. Stick it out, maybe she’ll start speaking English in week five 6. Stop taking upper division Spanish 5. Stop taking upper division physics 4. Make him speak loudly and slowly at you until you understand 3. Take your final in the international language of love 2. It’s okay, you speak Klingon too 1. Fail pew pew pew pew pew

THE MQ Tuesdays.

6pm.

Half Dome.

theMQ.com

March 14, 2012

Page 11

Newt Gingrich Retreats to Secret Moon Fortress Until Next Election Cycle

BY COREY BREIER Staff Writer

A

midst the heated race for the Republican nomination for President of the United States, one prominent candidate has recently dropped out. Newt Gingrich announced last week that he will no longer be seeking the 2012 nomination, choosing to withdraw to somewhere much colder and private for the next four years: his secret moon base.

Unbeknownst to most Americans, Gingrich has had his own personal establishment on the moon for over a decade. His denouncement of past Washington, D.C. attempts to establish a lunar base were phrased as such simply because his own base was under construction at the time, and additional neighbors would jeopardize legal constructing hours due to noise ordinances. More recent comments criticizing Ron Paul and other candidates for not being realistic enough have in fact been clever ruses designed to keep others away from Gingrich’s moon fortress.

Satellite photos have revealed traces of a large sublunar structure bordering the dark side of the moon, in the exact shape of Newt Gingrich’s face, measuring over two miles wide by four miles long. This structure was previously noticed as the infamous “face on the moon” during the Cold War, but after all these years, as additional wings and extensions were

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“I moved here because my wife wanted to live closer to home,” Gingrich explained. “Now all we have to worry about is Space Mexicans.” added to the structure, the face can be recognized as an idealized version of Gingrich’s smirking features.

Coincidentally, Gingrich’s actual, chubby face serves as a strong blueprint for the easily defendable fortress.

Today, the fortress resembles modern-day Newt while also providing an ideal layout for living quarters, greenhouses, and other structures necessary for a lunar establishment. Gingrich’s high forehead affords spacious floor space for lunar residences, while his prodigious jowls are perfect for storing the nuclear fusion cores needed to power

a lunar base.

Spectroscopic analysis of recent signals emanating from the moon reveal unusually high radiation levels focused around the sector of the moon that Gingrich’s base is located. In addition, enhanced photos of the base have revealed that Newt’s eyes are retractable domes, with a faceted amplification crystal located in the center of each pupil, ringed by eight tributary laser batteries.

This design is unprecedented in reality, but has a strong precedent from fiction. The first and second Death Stars of the Galactic

Empire possessed superlasers that were laid out in an almost identical fashion to the systems taking shape within Gingrich’s lunar visage. So far, his presidential aspirations have overshadowed his lunar ones, but now that Gingrich has withdrawn from the race, we can only wait and see what this emplacement will look like by the time the next election rolls around.

If this fortress functions anything like the fictional design from which it heavily borrows, Gingrich may not require a voter majority to win the White House.

NEWS IN BRIEF: LEVITY IN BREVITY UCSD ADAMANT TO ENSURE SPORTS APATHY In a special election last week, a mass of passionate students voted down a referendum which could have created masses of passionate students. The rejected ICA Fee Referendum would have provided funding to advance UCSD sports from NCAA Division II to Division I, and possibly advance school spirit from tepid apathy to tepid exuberance.

“School spirit is bad for school community,” a spirited nay-voter said on leaving the polls. “By the way, how do you feel taking your shirt off? We’re writing ‘No on D1’ on our chests, but we only have five people so far.”

Ironically, an administrative report stated that the virtual presence of 11,407 voters on TritonLink was the largest social event in UCSD history. “The short term pain of almost being in the same place as other students was worth it to ensure not having to see other people in public in the long term,” voter Karl Bolzano said.

CHINA AND RUSSIA: “SYRIA JUST BUILDING CHARACTER” At the United Nations Security Council today, the Chinese and Russian delegates presented a report, stating,“When I was Syria’s age I had to violently enforce dictatorial decrees uphill in the snow both ways.”

The report is characteristic of the delegates, who have used the same childhood an-

ecdotes to justify many other human rights abuses as nostalgic moments in a process of coming of age. “The Arab League monitors were really just there to make home movies and take Polaroids for the family album,” the report reads.

The Security Council reluctantly accepted the findings of the report, taking note of the respectable gentlemen that Russia and China grew up to be after going through similar human rights abuses when they were younger sovereign nations. The report also reminded the council that “To make an omelet of justice, you have to break a few fundamental human liberties. Oh wait, that’s not what this says. Sorry, I got blood on my recipe.”

SNOOKI GETS PREGNANT, ENGAGED, MARRIED ALL IN ONE NIGHT On Wednesday, March 7, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of “Jersey Shore” infamy announced that she was with child on her Twitter account.

She also revealed in a later tweet that she had been proposed to and had gotten married the night before.

A tweet from her account, sent at 11:07 p.m. on Tuesday, read, “This guy’s abs look better than Mike’s,” followed by, “Going off my diet for some Italian sausage.”

The next morning, at 8:10, she tweeted, “Happy to finally share the news with my fans ‘@usweekly: It’s TRUE! Our girl @snooki has a mini meatball in the oven!’”

Polizzi then held a press conference and announced

that she had been proposed to. “He’s a great guy. He’s totally got his GTL down and, like, he breaks all the Guido stereotypes, ‘cause he’s got a job and everything, you know? He sells t-shirts.”

She then continued to describe the surprise ring and road trip to Atlantic City, where they tied the knot at a 24-hour chapel. Though there has been no official word on the divorce, many suspect that it happened that morning.

CALIFORNIA PROPOSAL TO IMPLEMENT SUGAR TAX FACES BITTER RESISTANCE California residents are sour about the new state proposal, the “State Plan to Lower National Diabetes Act,” which will tax foods with a high sugar content in an effort to help thin the growing incidence of diabetes and obesity. While many agree that these represent hefty problems for state health, it appears that most California residents do not appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Recent polling suggests that the new SPLENDA proposal has left a bad taste in most voters’ mouths, though an amendment to add free insulin shots appears to have sweetened the deal.

Concerns over the new legislation were discussed at a Sacramento town hall meeting, where concerned citizens made it clear that they would not be won over by Sacramento “fat-cats or saccharine words.”

Unfortunately, it ap-

pears that most are still ignoring the larger issues at hand, preferring instead to leave the growth of obesity and diabetes in California unchecked.

JEREMY LIN’S POPULARITY SPURRED BY JEREMY LIN’S POPULARITY Abruptly transitioning from bench warmer to NBA star, New York Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin recently expressed constant worry at the transiency of his newly acquired popularity. With only a degree in economics from Harvard University to fall back on, Lin has sought to increase his fame by capitalizing on his existing fame.

The current fervor for Jeremy Lin’s sudden blossoming as an NBA star, penned “Linsanity,” has resulted in the selling of all three of his jerseys. Analysts have already begun keeping tabs on Asian-American basketball players in search of “the next Jeremy Lin.” “We’re having a hard time getting the rest of our players to fully participate in practices and games,” Mike D’Antoni, Knicks head coach, said. “All of their relatives keep asking Lin if they can get autographs and personal photos.”

Fellow Knicks superstars, Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire, have been cautiously supportive of Lin’s acquisition of their spotlight. Though neither has appeared to attempt to mentor the new superstar, both have continued to tank games in order to maintain their rapidly declining relevance.

POINT

Oh My God, Gas Prices Are So High

BY AMBER WINTERS

L

Daddy’s Little Girl

ike, I totally can’t believe this. So when I went to fill up my Mercedes this morning, gas prices were so high! It was $4.79 for one gallon. Do you know what else costs $4.79? That’s like a whole venti quad half-calf soy no-whip caramel mocha Frappucino, except those things taste good. And I totally wouldn’t want to dump twelve of those into my gas tank to go on my road trip to Los Angeles this weekend to go shopping for my prom dress.

I was talking to this loser who sits next to me in geography about gas prices, and he said that they’re going up right now so much because the corporations are trying to influence the election season, but he’s totally wrong. It’s because all of our gas comes from Texas or Alaska or whatever, and because it comes from America it costs more because America is in debt right now. So buying gas is supporting America, which is a good thing.

But as much as I like America, it’s kind of annoying that I have to deal with all this. I should totally start budgeting out my money because we can’t all be completely patriotic and completely un-cool at the same time, right? Maybe I can only get a mani this week instead of a mani-pedi, but I can have them paint little flags on my nails. That would show how much I love this country.

Or I could just ask Daddy to buy me a Prius. That way, I’m saving gas and the failing American auto industry, right?

Man, that guy in my econ class can totally suck it.

COUNTERPOINT

It’s Not Like Any of This Matters to You Anyway

BY ROMAN CENTURION Daddy’s Credit Card

C

ould you please shut up already? It’s bad enough that I have to travel around in your purse all day listening to you and your friends gossip about things like the fact that that Snooki thing might be pregnant.

What is a Snooki anyway?

Some rare endangered species? Because if that’s the case, I can understand why it’s a newsworthy topic. But judging from what I have heard in the past from you guys, it’s probably something completely irrelevant and inconsequential.

But please excuse me from digressing from my original topic. Do you realize that you aren’t paying for these at all?

And this wasn’t even a concern for you last week when you went out and spent $600 on those Prada heels, which I must say are quite hideous. I understand that ever since all those plebeians started gathering at Occupy Wall Street, it’s become hip to pretend to

be poor, but why are you trying to hide your God-given entitlement?

Besides, your father works long, hard days meeting with clients on golf courses and yachts to earn that money for you to spend. Do you really think that he would want you to be going around spreading the idea that he isn’t able to provide for you? No. If anything, he would want you to be showing how unaffected you are. So go ahead, fill your gas tank with Dom Perignon, just because you can. If it breaks, what’s the worst you’ll have to do? Pay to fix it?

TOP TEN

Signs That Your Grandma’s Cheating on Your Grandpa 10. The only granny panties lying around the house are yours 9. Doesn’t hate minorities anymore 8. Recently starred in her first talkie sex tape 7. You find empty Cialis boxes lying around the house, but grandpa prefers Viagra 6. You accidentally met up with her via Craigslist 5. She broke her hip falling off the dryer 4. She keeps saying “hard candy,” and you’re pretty sure it’s a euphemism 3. Shouted another man’s name instead of “bingo” 2. Grandpa is much happier 1. She keeps telling you about it THE MQ

Delivering finals procrastination opportunities since 20 B.C. Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome.

Have you ever wanted to adventure to an exotic, foreign locale but just couldn’t find the money, time, or untrustworthy crew to make a trip to Tibet or Petra? Don’t fret, the famed theme park crusader and hipster Indie Anna Jones and her trusty tourist sidekick Tall Square are here! They’ll show you the dos and don’ts of exploring Walt’s wonderland, giving you all the excitement of professional adventuring at a fraction of the cost, provided that you don’t buy any food.

Indie Anna Jones

“I found Walt’s cryogenically frozen body before it was cool.”

theMQ.com

“Have you heard about the tunnels?

They’re really underground.”

“$13.95 for a keychain?

What a deal! I’m going to need a bigger fanny pack.”

Tall Square

The Happiest Place on Earth

and the

“Isn’t it lucky that they found a castle to build the park around?”

Page 12 March 14, 2012