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News Volume XVIII Issue VI
May 2, 2076
United States to Cram Debt Into Rocket, Shoot Into Space
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IN THIS DOWNLOAD CHINA LITERALLY OVERFLOWING WITH PEOPLE
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SPACE-BUBBLE BUBBLE THREATENS TO BURST
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THE U.S. TRICENTENNTIAL GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BACTERIUM GAINS SENTIENCE IRAQ WAR TIED IN OVERTIME, GOES INTO SHOOTOUT In a bid to beat russia, engineers accidentally launched the national budget rocket instead. which involves loading the debt into a fleet of rockets and then dumping it in space, is widely considered the first universally popular financial decision in the nation’s history. “All that invasive surveillance must be paying off,” citizen Aubrey Dungel said. “The government is finally speaking in terms the common person can understand.” “Well, except rocket ships,” she added. “I still don’t exactly understand
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his week, President Ronald Reagan Alpha became the first United States President to take an actual stance on fiscal policy when he announced a plan to “rid ourselves of national debt” in the next year. The plan,
those. Debt either. But Reagan knows what he’s doing.” The decision to gather up all of the nation’s debt in 18 by 12 by 12 inch cardboard boxes, load these boxes into a special unmanned rocket ship, and then detonate this rocket at a safe distance from earth was only reached after much government deliberation. “We considered reducing government spending, and then we thought about just not making it too much
PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL
bigger too quickly,” Hornan Church, chair of the Chief Financial Officers Committee, said. “We eventually settled on this plan after seeing its success in dealing with landfills and the unemployed.” Despite this stringent planning, construction of the rocket forgot to leave room for the debt accrued in constructing it, so the country will not be debt-free until
See DEBT, page 2
UCSD Acquires SDSU as 16th College
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
The sdsu student in this tank faces off against a ucsd student trying to invade his territory.
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Thought Inspector
hursday evening, University of California, San Diego Chancellor Thom Parker announced at a press conference that the university will acquire the central San Diego State University as the university’s newest college in exchange for “solving the lackof-education crisis that has been plaguing San Diego State for the past century and a half.” The decision came after six days locked in a small confer-
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ence room with only three bottles of water and two peanut butter sandwiches, and was described as the most socially acceptable choice made in that time period. “Though negotiations were tough,” Parker said, “by the end, both parties were able to come to amicable terms on the acquisition without the use of any sort of deadly force or intimidation.” He then nervously patted a bulge in his pocket that he explained was neither a gun nor a physical reaction to his delight at seeing the reporter. The acquisition of the college is only the latest addition to the UCSD mega-college
Last week: What do you do with a drunken sailor? • 67% • 20% • 11% • 2%
Ply him with rum and sodomy Don’t call my brother that! Early in the morning? Get him to a rehab center
system. Many believe that the start of the super-expansion began with former Chancellor Marye Anne Fox’s last-minute deal with former President Romney to acquire his La Jolla beachfront home and the surrounding city to create Mitt Romney College — the university’s seventh school — in May 2012, days before her retirement from the position. Since the creation of Mitt Romney College, the university — once only confined to a square mile-and-a-half in inland La Jolla — has gone on to obtain campuses throughout the city, mostly taking on smaller universities and com-
munity colleges, but occasionally neighborhoods and communities as well. “We’re very glad to finally have acquired SDSU,” Assistant Chairperson of the Community Expansion Committee Raj Kapur told reporters. “Now all we’ll need is that San Diego City College to surrender, I mean, join us, and we’ll then be able to spread UCSD’s regime throughout the county!” A committee to name the newly acquired Sixteenth College has already been formed, as many are worried that both students and community members will confuse it with Sixth College. Current suggestions include Cici Winters College — named after the MTV 24 cyber-reality star who dropped out of SDSU after her first semester — and James Kennedy College, after the nation’s 57th president. “I think that Cici is really the embodiment of what San Diego State stands for and will help define the university’s core values as it integrates into the UCSD college network,” former San Diego State Vice Chancellor Jane Anderson explained. Continued Anderson, “Since the university’s founding in 1897, our student body has prided themselves on their ability to party and not much else. And if someone who is best known for her constant stumblings— both literal and figurative— doesn’t stand for that, then I don’t know who would.”
This week: How did you deal with last week’s trash blizzard? • Garbage angels • All my Christmas shopping just • Rejoice because you’re finally fell into the yard! getting something to eat • Go to mountains for skiing, trashboarding
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NEWS IN BRIEF PARAMOUNT PICTURES RELEASES EXPLOSIONS AND BOOBS 3 Maria Hernandez, Academy Award winner in the categories of Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director, may well snatch up another win with Best Picture this year for her new critically-acclaimed film, “Explosions and Boobs 3 in 3D” An all-star cast, including Banana-Pear Paltrow and Grease Lana Jolie-Pitt-Cage, breathes life into the script, which is based on the autobiography of American hero Slash Johnson. “Explosions and Boobs 3” tells the tale of Slash Johnson, a CIA dynamitethrower who went undercover in a French bazookamafia-run brothel in 2021. Each day, Johnson’s life is
fraught with danger, as the prostitutes of the brothel want to make him explode, and if the mafia discover his identity, they will too. After he falls in love with the hooker known as “Bombshell Betty,” Slash is faced with the dilemma of his life: Should he do the right thing, or a very attractive woman? This movie has gotten extremely positive critical reception, and is sure to go down in cinema history as one of the best films of all time. Film critic Ollie JoliePitt-Reeves explained, “‘E&B 3’ makes ‘Citizen Kane’ and ‘Gone With The Wind’ look like thoughtless, gratuitous home videos. This film easily deserves two nipples up.”
MUSIC KILLING THE AUTOTUNE INDUSTRY It used to be that a youngster would fall in love with Autotune, go to college for audio engineering, get a cubicle job programming virtual sound equipment, and then maybe get transferred to the Autotune division. Now that dream of personal expression is gone, and all the brilliant creativity invested in patent diagrams is wasted on music. Music is the most impersonal, repetitive, and gruelling industry in the post-service-post-industrial economy. The industry pays millions of research subjects
to listen to random series on the pentatonic scale so researchers can maximize their serotonin release. Ten million people every year suffer fatal migraines caused by music. People living the truest form of personal expression in an acoustic engineering firm are losing their jobs by the millions as the result of the rise of the music industry. Young people are choosing to buy vintage mp3 files instead of renewing their subscriptions to in-head Autotune programming, and this could mean the death of Autotune as we know it.
ICELAND NOW ‘LANDLAND’ Iceland announced last Wednesday that it has chosen to eliminate the word “ice” from its name, a move which, like the removal of the polar ice caps, has been widely publicized by climate scientists. Icelandic climatologist Hrefna Sigur explained, “the eradication of the polar ice caps has eliminated what little descriptive power the name ‘Iceland’ once had.” The country is considering its contributions to the international community in a quest for a new name: the largest gay pride festival in Europe, rampant inflation, and wastelands of volcanic
ash. Sociologist Sigfríð Hallgrímsdóttir recently submitted a bill to parliament proposing to officially name the country “Landland.” Hallgrímsdóttir explained, “‘Home of the Largest Source of Geothermal Energy’ just doesn’t roll off the tongue.” This change has been heralded as monumental for the 2,000 citizens inhabiting the nation-state, who will have to reinvent themselves as colorful, interesting people now that their homeland does not sound like a frigid, gray, loveless desert.
See BRIEFS, page 11