The MQ Volume 18 Issue 6 by The MQ

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News Volume XVIII Issue VI

May 2, 2076

United States to Cram Debt Into Rocket, Shoot Into Space

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IN THIS DOWNLOAD CHINA LITERALLY OVERFLOWING WITH PEOPLE

SPACE-BUBBLE BUBBLE THREATENS TO BURST

THE U.S. TRICENTENNTIAL GENETICALLY ENGINEERED BACTERIUM GAINS SENTIENCE IRAQ WAR TIED IN OVERTIME, GOES INTO SHOOTOUT In a bid to beat russia, engineers accidentally launched the national budget rocket instead. which involves loading the debt into a fleet of rockets and then dumping it in space, is widely considered the first universally popular financial decision in the nation’s history. “All that invasive surveillance must be paying off,” citizen Aubrey Dungel said. “The government is finally speaking in terms the common person can understand.” “Well, except rocket ships,” she added. “I still don’t exactly understand

CODY DONAHUE Individuality Suppressor

his week, President Ronald Reagan Alpha became the first United States President to take an actual stance on fiscal policy when he announced a plan to “rid ourselves of national debt” in the next year. The plan,

those. Debt either. But Reagan knows what he’s doing.” The decision to gather up all of the nation’s debt in 18 by 12 by 12 inch cardboard boxes, load these boxes into a special unmanned rocket ship, and then detonate this rocket at a safe distance from earth was only reached after much government deliberation. “We considered reducing government spending, and then we thought about just not making it too much

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

bigger too quickly,” Hornan Church, chair of the Chief Financial Officers Committee, said. “We eventually settled on this plan after seeing its success in dealing with landfills and the unemployed.” Despite this stringent planning, construction of the rocket forgot to leave room for the debt accrued in constructing it, so the country will not be debt-free until

See DEBT, page 2

UCSD Acquires SDSU as 16th College

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

The sdsu student in this tank faces off against a ucsd student trying to invade his territory.

JESSI CARR 4218

Thought Inspector

hursday evening, University of California, San Diego Chancellor Thom Parker announced at a press conference that the university will acquire the central San Diego State University as the university’s newest college in exchange for “solving the lackof-education crisis that has been plaguing San Diego State for the past century and a half.” The decision came after six days locked in a small confer-

POLLS

ence room with only three bottles of water and two peanut butter sandwiches, and was described as the most socially acceptable choice made in that time period. “Though negotiations were tough,” Parker said, “by the end, both parties were able to come to amicable terms on the acquisition without the use of any sort of deadly force or intimidation.” He then nervously patted a bulge in his pocket that he explained was neither a gun nor a physical reaction to his delight at seeing the reporter. The acquisition of the college is only the latest addition to the UCSD mega-college

Last week: What do you do with a drunken sailor? • 67% • 20% • 11% • 2%

Ply him with rum and sodomy Don’t call my brother that! Early in the morning? Get him to a rehab center

system. Many believe that the start of the super-expansion began with former Chancellor Marye Anne Fox’s last-minute deal with former President Romney to acquire his La Jolla beachfront home and the surrounding city to create Mitt Romney College — the university’s seventh school — in May 2012, days before her retirement from the position. Since the creation of Mitt Romney College, the university — once only confined to a square mile-and-a-half in inland La Jolla — has gone on to obtain campuses throughout the city, mostly taking on smaller universities and com-

munity colleges, but occasionally neighborhoods and communities as well. “We’re very glad to finally have acquired SDSU,” Assistant Chairperson of the Community Expansion Committee Raj Kapur told reporters. “Now all we’ll need is that San Diego City College to surrender, I mean, join us, and we’ll then be able to spread UCSD’s regime throughout the county!” A committee to name the newly acquired Sixteenth College has already been formed, as many are worried that both students and community members will confuse it with Sixth College. Current suggestions include Cici Winters College — named after the MTV 24 cyber-reality star who dropped out of SDSU after her first semester — and James Kennedy College, after the nation’s 57th president. “I think that Cici is really the embodiment of what San Diego State stands for and will help define the university’s core values as it integrates into the UCSD college network,” former San Diego State Vice Chancellor Jane Anderson explained. Continued Anderson, “Since the university’s founding in 1897, our student body has prided themselves on their ability to party and not much else. And if someone who is best known for her constant stumblings— both literal and figurative— doesn’t stand for that, then I don’t know who would.”

This week: How did you deal with last week’s trash blizzard? • Garbage angels • All my Christmas shopping just • Rejoice because you’re finally fell into the yard! getting something to eat • Go to mountains for skiing, trashboarding

6/7 9 11

NEWS IN BRIEF PARAMOUNT PICTURES RELEASES EXPLOSIONS AND BOOBS 3 Maria Hernandez, Academy Award winner in the categories of Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Director, may well snatch up another win with Best Picture this year for her new critically-acclaimed film, “Explosions and Boobs 3 in 3D” An all-star cast, including Banana-Pear Paltrow and Grease Lana Jolie-Pitt-Cage, breathes life into the script, which is based on the autobiography of American hero Slash Johnson. “Explosions and Boobs 3” tells the tale of Slash Johnson, a CIA dynamitethrower who went undercover in a French bazookamafia-run brothel in 2021. Each day, Johnson’s life is

fraught with danger, as the prostitutes of the brothel want to make him explode, and if the mafia discover his identity, they will too. After he falls in love with the hooker known as “Bombshell Betty,” Slash is faced with the dilemma of his life: Should he do the right thing, or a very attractive woman? This movie has gotten extremely positive critical reception, and is sure to go down in cinema history as one of the best films of all time. Film critic Ollie JoliePitt-Reeves explained, “‘E&B 3’ makes ‘Citizen Kane’ and ‘Gone With The Wind’ look like thoughtless, gratuitous home videos. This film easily deserves two nipples up.”

MUSIC KILLING THE AUTOTUNE INDUSTRY It used to be that a youngster would fall in love with Autotune, go to college for audio engineering, get a cubicle job programming virtual sound equipment, and then maybe get transferred to the Autotune division. Now that dream of personal expression is gone, and all the brilliant creativity invested in patent diagrams is wasted on music. Music is the most impersonal, repetitive, and gruelling industry in the post-service-post-industrial economy. The industry pays millions of research subjects

to listen to random series on the pentatonic scale so researchers can maximize their serotonin release. Ten million people every year suffer fatal migraines caused by music. People living the truest form of personal expression in an acoustic engineering firm are losing their jobs by the millions as the result of the rise of the music industry. Young people are choosing to buy vintage mp3 files instead of renewing their subscriptions to in-head Autotune programming, and this could mean the death of Autotune as we know it.

ICELAND NOW ‘LANDLAND’ Iceland announced last Wednesday that it has chosen to eliminate the word “ice” from its name, a move which, like the removal of the polar ice caps, has been widely publicized by climate scientists. Icelandic climatologist Hrefna Sigur explained, “the eradication of the polar ice caps has eliminated what little descriptive power the name ‘Iceland’ once had.” The country is considering its contributions to the international community in a quest for a new name: the largest gay pride festival in Europe, rampant inflation, and wastelands of volcanic

ash. Sociologist Sigfríð Hallgrímsdóttir recently submitted a bill to parliament proposing to officially name the country “Landland.” Hallgrímsdóttir explained, “‘Home of the Largest Source of Geothermal Energy’ just doesn’t roll off the tongue.” This change has been heralded as monumental for the 2,000 citizens inhabiting the nation-state, who will have to reinvent themselves as colorful, interesting people now that their homeland does not sound like a frigid, gray, loveless desert.

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

May 2, 2076

theMQ.com

Letter from the Editor

Dear Readers,

on’t panic! You haven’t overdosed on your government-issued sedatives again. This issue of the MQ is in fact presented to you on the antiquated, tree pulp-based product known as a “newspaper.” It’s what people used to read to get their news before reformattable e-news display sheets were invented. I understand that reading this issue might prove to be a little tricky, but just bear with me. We’ve left the shortcuts and hyperlinks on the front page like they normally are, but don’t try clicking them. They’re not touch-sensitive. If you want to turn the page, swiping your finger across the display won’t work. You’ll have to physically grasp the edge of the sheet and turn it. A difficult task, I know, but you’ve obviously gotten to page two. Keep up the good work. Why the change, you ask? This is a special-edition throwback issue in celebration of our nation’s tricentennial celebration. We’ve definitely come a long way since the days of our forefathers, and, if you believe what you were taught in patriotism indoctrination seminars as a child, our lives have never been better! Yes, melting polar ice caps may have raised the sea level and swallowed thousands of miles of eastern coastline in the past few decades. Yes, the growth rate of our national debt is only rivaled by the growth rate of China’s population. At least we can take comfort in the knowledge that we no longer have to shit in tiny buckets next to our bug-ridden beds. Take that, colonial aristocracy! Chamber potty humor aside, a look back at the days before free, hydrogen-fueled power can be pleasantly nostalgic. That’s why we’ve put together a special feature on pages six and seven honoring our nation’s 300-year history. Reading it will be just like talking to an old person, but with an earthy, “recycled dead plants” smell instead of a putrid, “slowly dying sick person” smell. I hope the in-depth retrospective can give you a fresh outlook on what’s going on in the world today.

Speaking of global events, the rest of this issue is comprised of the same hardhitting journalism that the MQ has been bringing you for the past 88 years. Of course, everything we publish is as accurate as can be. You can trust us. As usual, we’ve fabricated and checked the facts ourselves. Yours artificially,

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1: another rocket can be made. “This is just a minor setback,” President Reagan Alpha assured millions across the nation via brainwave satellite. “Economics is a complicated science, but I assure you we have the very best people dedicated to borrowing enough money to completely erase this debt forever.” In the past, the country has tried such complicated programs as raising taxes, lowering taxes, and sometimes even keeping taxes the same, to no avail. “Finally, a simple plan that absolutely addresses the root cause of our national debt — which, of course, is debt — and takes concrete steps to get rid of it,” citizen Martha Winskell said. “I was just say-

ing to my husband, ‘Honey, President Reagan might seem a little absent-minded lately, but just you watch; he’ll fix the economy for the fifth time.’ And I was right!” Although there is widespread support for this ingenious plan, one Harvard economist has been very vocal in opposition. “Are you people crazy?” he asked Congress via hologram. “Does anyone understand what debt actually is?” While those in attendance merely laughed and ended his transmission, they later expressed hope for a future generation in which debt doesn’t exist, and children could genuinely respond that no, they don’t.

TOP TEN

Signs Your Sexbot is Cheating on You 10. It has a virus 9. When you boot it up, it has multiple user accounts 8. It’s started to take tennis lessons, always forgets racquet 7. The finger-swipe asks for more 6. Could have sworn you had it on full volume, not on vibrate 5. Can’t tell when it’s faking 4. Tends to shut down and restart multiple times during the process 3. When you stare into its cold, dead eyes, it’s just not the same 2. Some guy keeps walking into your closet and taking your sexbot out 1. It has no interest in having sex with you

THE

Brian Damp

DEBT

Arguably a good thing. Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

Editor-in-Chief-a-Tron Lord Hivemind..............................Brian Damp Poorly Passing Android....Alexandra DeLaney Re-education Editor................Jessica Traynor Individuality Suppressor..........Cody Donahue Thought Inspector...........................Jessi Carr Organic Life Expert..........................Zac Hann Visual Interface Editor................... Robin Betz Alien Editor.........................Joshua Malkinson Reader Control Assurance.........Kevin Quirolo Spam Bot................................Hilary Morefield Tit Calmer....................................Hannah Weil

Head Translocator...............Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant Translocator..................Ryan Gibbs Spellcheck Editor...........................Spellcheck Assistant Spellcheck Editor.....Joshua Bidwell Albert..........................................Garrett Chan Missing Since 1961........................Divya Bhat Inactivity Coordinator.................Monica Bhide Damp Family Lore Archivist.............Aurora Le Archivist’s Smart Phone..................Ben Steen Muir Advising Software...........Ann Hawthorne MQ Royal Temptress................Shara Worden

Hive Members

The most artificially happy place on earth. Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. “The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Thanks to every member of the staff for coming up with the jokes. Kudos to team content (now featuring Jack!) for making the jokes even funnier. Thanks to Bora, Ryan, and especially Hannah and Hilary for making the jokes graphically-represented. Thanks to Robin, Jeff, and Danger Josh for making the jokes pretty. Thanks to Bidwell and Albert for ensuring the jokes are grammatically correct. I guess that’s all we need you for now that we’ve figured out how to activate spell check. Thanks to Aurora, Ben, and Kevin for getting this out to the masses. Lastly, a special shout-out to Avi for bringing positive energy to the content room day after day, and for organizing fun improv games. It’s just what our organization needed. Behold! The world of tomorrow at your fingertips today! Take this issue, bury it in a time capsule, unearth it in sixty-four years, and see how unbelievably accurate our predictions were. While you’re at it, toss some scotch and wine casks in there too. Your wrinkly, soused self will be happy you did.

Sam Bartleman Jack Beegan Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cassidy Curl

Janine Davis Alan Delblaccio Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Daniel Early Stephanie Fairbairn Alison Gilchrist Fedora Gertzman Avi Kabani

Marina Karastamatis Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda

Penny Renard Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Booster Club Too many people to thank individually. Here’s a list of names: Bora, Hilary, Jack, Robin, Josh M, Josh B, Cody, Ryan, Jessi, Zac, Aurora, Ariana. Alison, Avi, and Garrett. Thank you all for your snack and dining dollar contributions! A very special thanks to Rosa for bringing Baked Alaskas. That has got to be the fancy-pantsiest thing anyone has ever brought to production. I dare anyone to top that. No, seriously. Please.

May 2, 2076

theMQ.com

World News

Putin’s Corpse Beginning to Smell

PHOTO BY BEN STEEN

Putin generally rides a horse to meetings, as its indiscriminate defecation helps to mask his scent.

CODY DONAHUE JESSI CARR Individuality Suppressor and Thought Inspector

ollowing a press conference last week, in which Russia announced concrete plans to affect a global ice age, many reporters expressed concern that President Vladimir Putin was “really

beginning to stink.” Putin, who passed away six years ago, was said not to have commented on this observation. The press conference began with an announcement of Russia’s plans to destroy the entire world, and then opened to questions. Austria’s Alexander Dorner seemed to speak for the whole room when he asked, “Seriously, how can you stand this smell?” After about an hour of silence, in which Putin “awkwardly decomposed, with no regard for common decency,” the press conference was

called to an end. “Thank God that’s over,” Egyptian reporter Abasi Suleiman said. “It smelled like someone died in there.” “He could have at least put his shirt back on,” he added. President Putin had developed a reputation for being a recluse in recent years, which many attributed to the severe unpopularity of his continued presidency, as well as minor international objection to Russia’s nuclear aggression. However, it is now clear that this was due to embarrassment at his stench along with a certain

inability to move or speak. “It goes to show you that Putin’s human, just like you or I,” reporter Jaques Sournieux said. “Except I would never allow my body to release so much gas in public.” However, this is not the first time that Putin’s corpse has garnered negative media attention in recent months. Following the latest round of Russian presidential elections, the corpse dodged the spotlight following accusations of election rigging for the 64th year in a row. His spokespeople claimed that “shining a bright light on putrid— I mean President— Putin really accelerates the growth of maggots. And shouldn’t that really be the bigger issue here?” And just last week, Putin was seen leaving the mausoleum of his colleague Lenin. Rumors have arisen about a friendship developing between the two, which many Russians see as odd due to the fact that Lenin passed away in 1924. “I just don’t know how I feel about someone who spends so much time caring about a dead body and putting so much faith into it. It can’t even really do anything, can it?” reporter Mara Ismaylov sighed. “But I trust that Putin knows best.” Russia claims its plans for global ice age were designed to make its inhabitants more comfortable in an increasingly warm world, but in light of the recent evidence many believe this plan is simply a front to cryogenically freeze Putin’s body until more technologically advanced nasal plugs can be invented.

United States to Open Ties With Last Four Cubans Who Haven’t Emigrated or Starved to Death

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“We’ve been chatting online for a while,” reagan alpha said. “they suggested we should meet in person, and i was like, ‘why not?’”

JOSHUA BIDWELL Assistant Spellcheck Editor

ast week, United States President Ronald Reagan Alpha announced plans for the United States to open diplomatic and trade ties with the four remaining citizens of the nation of Cuba, bringing it in to a global community that admits it “kind of forgot” it exists. At the press conference Reagan Alpha said, “Although we must remain cautious in dealing with our communist counterparts, it is time for the United States to forgive our old adversary, who had previously been a serious threat to our national security in Cold War One.” Reagan Alpha then revealed the diplomatic and trade relations would be led and supervised by delegates

from world superpowers Russia, China, and Vietnam. Upon the announcement, the largest group in America advocating the end to America’s 144-year blockade of the nation, named “Citizens for a Fed Cuba,” released a statement of victory, reading, “At last, our mission to end America’s harsh treatment of the nation and people of Cuba has succeeded! At last, Raul, Tina, Rosa, and Juan can know the joys of being part of the world community! And they can eat, too!” Other groups have not been so enthusiastic. United States Senator William Travers (R-TX) came out against the decision in a speech to the senate shortly after Reagan’s announcement. “We, the United States, cannot show tolerance and kindness to foreign powers that have and will continue to threaten our freedom,” Travers told the senate. “For what worse

action is there than to store a few missiles for a much larger and scarier country?” The nation of Cuba did not hesitate to respond to the announcement. “I’m pretty glad we get to be recognized by the rest of the world,” Juan Cortez, president, attorney general, and postmaster of Cuba said. “I guess we’ll probably send Rosa over to America to talk to the president. After Raul’s 1956 Bel Air broke down, she’s the only one who’s got a car. But I guess that’ll change soon, huh?” Tina Cortez, Cuba’s first lady and secretary of state, as well as the nation’s first ever microwave owner, was more skeptical of the announcement. “It’s clear that America only wants to open ties so they can tax our cigars. Raul’s pretty good at making them. And plus, Juan and I were talking about leaving for Argentina pretty soon. I

don’t think anyone has been invested in Cuba since Castro died back in 2013.” Shortly after the press conference, the White House released a further statement saying: “Change will be slow. Assimilating the citizens of Cuba into a modern world will be difficult. I mean, they just learned about plastic grocery bags four years ago.” Despite this, Raul Sandovol, Cuba’s farmer and secretary of war, has shown excitement over Cuba’s new standing in the world community. “At last, my wife and I can leave this place, go to America, and live the American dream!” Sandoval said. “We can finally choose to not buy health insurance and be killed by strep throat!” “And then, right when those American pigs let their guard down, we let the nukes fly, destroying democracy and allowing communism to reign supreme,” he later added.

Page 3

China Literally Overflowing With People

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Such a lack of space has forced the upper-class to literally shit on lower classes.

ZAC HANN Organic Life Expert

he alarm the world has been feeling at the increasingly terrifying census data published by the Chinese government has finally been realized: recent satellite data confirms that the Communist nation’s land area is insufficient to contain its population. Each Chinese baby born pushes another citizen off the coast and into the sea. China’s shift in population growth rate likely occurred when the government repealed the one child policy in 2051. After an imprisoned Chinese political dissident received the Nobel Peace Prize for the tenth year in a row, the ruling Communist Party began to treat its citizens humanely to, as the then-President Wang Lung put it, “deny Sweden the satisfaction.” Chinese parents’ freedom to have as many children as they desired combined with Asia’s shrinking eastern coastline resulted in the population boom that has appeared in headlines so frequently the last few years. Once the Chinese gained the ability to have as much unprotected sex as they wanted they couldn’t stop, sociologists say. Another factor contributing to China’s population growth in recent years is North Korean immigrants, who cross the border by the hundreds through what UN officials say is a literal “hole in the fence” on the Chinese-North Korean border. After North Korea declared open war on “everyone, everywhere, and especially those pop stars in Seoul,” all foreign aid was cut off and poverty in the small nation was greatly exacerbated. North Korea has since looked the other way as some of its starving citizens flee to China which, if still Communist, has

the advantage of not being North Korea. The border between North Korea and China, however, is the only permeable border. Every other adjacent country has constructed The Great Wall of Anti-China along the Chinese border to contain the ever-multiplying population. The world’s newest nation, Southwest Mongolia, reports spending 10 percent of its resources pushing Chinese would-be immigrants off their wall and back into the writhing sea of flesh and germs that is modern China. To help deal with the lack of space, the government has been constructing high and low rise apartments which tower into the sky and descend thousands of feet underground. Nearly 30 percent of the Chinese population lives beneath the surface of the earth. Officials at first attempted to encourage citizens to move underground with a propaganda campaign of catchy slogans like, “Join us, down where the sun cannot hurt us!” and “Proud to be a mole person!” However, they came to the realization that convincing people to move underground is unnecessary: they cannot fit anywhere else but the ocean. Would-be rock stars have found the situation beneficial for practicing their crowd surfing, because the entire surface of the country is as packed as a typical concert. Once the technique has been perfected, the celebrities escape the sweaty mass of humans via helicopter. Airplanes cannot take off due to hundreds of people standing on every runway. Though several non-profit groups have attempted to alleviate the situation in the large East Asian country, all have failed because they cannot fit any of their employees into the country. The future of the overpopulated land is difficult to see, mostly because there are too many people in the way.

TOP TEN

Ways to Tell Your Parents You’re Straight 10. With that shirt and those shoes? 9. With Hallmark 8. Arrange a coming-in party 7. Leave straight porn pop-ups open on your computer 6. Take your time. Don’t worry, it gets better 5. Show them 4. Convince them to pay for your abortion 3. Quit your frat 2. Invest in cargo shorts 1. Grow mustache, go to gym often

theMQ.com

Page 4

National News

Government Surveillance of Bedrooms Deemed ‘Creepy’

May 2, 2076

Dick Cheney Gets Hundredth Heart Transplant

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“What a waste of good heart incubators,” cheney laughs as he walks away from this exploding orphanage.

ALISON GILCHRIST Relevance Manager

“This guy thinks he’s been having wet dreams lately, but that’s just me,” this cia agent confides.

BRIAN DAMP Lord Hivemind

oday marks one month since the nationwide implementation of the Department of Homeland Scrutiny’s program in which monitoring devices were installed in the bedrooms of every household. National opinion polls on the matter show that most Americans feel the new campaign to be “just a bit on the creepy side.” Project “Sees You When You’re Sleeping” was created to ensure the of preservation individual liberties of every American by monitoring where they are most at risk: in one’s home. In a recent

press conference, Secretary of Department of Homeland Scrutiny Dick Cheney explained the need for the added “security measures.” “According to studies conducted by the DHS in 2074, people spend over 50 percent of their lives in their bedrooms lying unconscious and defenseless to acts of terrorism,” Cheney said. “The purpose of Project ‘Sees You When You’re Sleeping’ is to provide the federal government with the resources and power it needs to carry out its Constitutional duty to ‘ensure domestic tranquility.’” “We want to make sure nobody infringes on every American’s right to sleep soundly,” Cheney continued. “Even if that means our agents have to stay up all night watching over you. It’s for your own good.”

Arnold Hammond, manager and publicist for Project SYWYS explained his strategic design of the monitoring device’s name, Big Bro. “We didn’t want the American people to fear or resent their uniquely-assigned monitoring agent on the other end of the camera feed, so we tried to come up with a name for the device that would make it fit in like part of the family. A brother perhaps,” he explained. “We added the adjective ‘big’ because the camera, cables, and broadcasting device are just enormous. They take up about six square feet in of the corner of the room. We’re working on fixing that.” Lillian Hennessy, a political science student at the University of California, San Jose, thinks the addi-

PHOTO BY BRIAN DAMP

tion of surveillance equipment to her bedroom is “a little unnecessary.” She asked, “Couldn’t they just install updated monitoring software in the RFID chip embedded in my skull at birth?” Following her statement, Hennessy blinked rapidly, twitched, and redacted her opinion by saying, “I fully support the DHS in protecting my freedoms. The RFID Act of 2015 is in no way unconstitutional.” Iowa resident Jeremy Collins also voiced his disapproval of the new security measures. “I’m fine with the cameras and microphones, but I really don’t see the need for them to install a speaker as well,” he said. “Pleasuring my wife is hard enough as it is. I don’t need some suit from the Pentagon trying to give me pointers. It’s just distracting.”

Hawaii Becomes Second State to be Annexed by Nature

he United States of America is being forced to celebrate the hundredth heart transplant of former President Dick Cheney this week, after the completion of a successful operation that switched his former, deadened model for a new, unsullied specimen. This is the twentieth weeklong celebration in Cheney’s honor, as his 80th transplant marked a transition from three-day extravaganzas to a full week of events. In a press conference yesterday, Cheney described feeling “rejuvenated and renewed,” even going so far as to say he felt “resurrected” with the help of the operation. Onlookers described him as “spunky,” “sparky,” and “literally flammable”, a probable side effect of the multiple electric components currently installed in his body, paired with Cheney’s recent addiction to drinking gasoline. The heart currently in use by Cheney was formerly owned by Melinda Clarence, a 12-yearold girl from Middleton, Ohio. Clarence, a healthy and active swimmer, was tragically killed in a hunting accident involving a misfired birdshot-pellet rifle. Fortunately, Cheney was near the scene of the accident to receive the undamaged organs. “We’re just glad that Melinda is doing her civic duty, even in death,” Harriet Clarence, Melinda’s mother, said. “We will continue to support the fair and completely legal actions our glorious Mr. Cheney is pursuing internationally.” Although the former president traditionally marks the occasion with two days of mandatory cheer from his

minions, he has expressed the wish that they be “extra devoted” for his centennial transplant, a fact which has been met throughout the country with dread. Some fear they will not be able to afford the celebrations. “He already requires us to send in congratulatory champagne, and that’s not too bad, but my first-born son?” Carol Anders of Norton, California lamented. “I really need him around to do chores.” Others have expressed doubts that they will be able to conjure up the necessary exuberance required for all Cheney ceremonies. “Last time I wasn’t clapping hard enough, and they gave me 50 lashes,” Fred Casely of Garbage Dump, New Jersey lamented. “I can’t help being paralyzed from the neck down.” Some loyal citizens have participated in preparatory “patriotism training” to get involved with the festivities. The program involves basic party-planning skills, a rudimentary cake-decorating course, and extensive military training coupled with a course in interrogation techniques. “It was great!” Timothy Martin, an eight-year-old recruit from Minnesota said. “I know how to waterboard now! My mommy told me I was the cutest mercenary soldier ever!” After his national tour of the country is complete, Cheney will be returning to his post as shadow-president and supreme leader, where he will continue to operate in complete secrecy and without accountability. “I feel this is where I belong,” Cheney remarked some weeks ago, when asked about his future political aspirations. “Politics are meant to be conducted behind solid, bulletproof concrete walls hundreds of feet underground. It’s where true politicians flourish.”

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

U.S. army corps of engineers has recommended deploying five more balloons to keep hawaii from disappearing forever.

MARIE SBROCCA Water Rationing Coordinator

his Tuesday, Mother Nature announced that she would be reclaiming the state formerly known as Hawaii immediately. Residents are advised not to follow the standard evacuation procedures set in place by local authorities in case of emergency. The Hawaii State Civil Defense has instead urged people to “run for their fucking lives” as Nature has become substantially less forgiving since her last annexation. That annexation, which occurred a mere three months ago, was a two-part affair involving the former state of Florida. Stage one

consisted of the Florida Keys, as well as the southernmost tip of the state, including Miami, being swept into the sea. Nature said of this abrupt action: “Those greedy bastards deserved it. They’ve been breaking off large chunks of my personal holdings for years now. It’s about time that they see what my life is like.” Exactly one week after the initial collapse, the rest of the state also plummeted into the depths of the ocean. The land mass broke off neatly along the northern state borders, and foul play is suspected but as yet unconfirmed, on the parts of Alabama and Georgia. “Florida was taken most likely for a slew of sociopolitical reasons,” Federal Emergency Management Agency Director, Richard Atwood, explained. “It became clear to experts that Nature had some

sort of vendetta against Florida last year, when hundreds of thousands of its residents just dropped dead. Doctors said it was ‘natural causes’ because they were ‘old,’ but we all know better.” “Hawaii, however, is different,” he added. “Historians believe that Nature simply has a warped and sadistic sense of humor, and has subsequently decided that one annexation wasn’t enough for Hawaii.” President Ronald Regan Alpha has announced his plans to resettle most of Hawaiian refugees onto the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, a conglomeration of plastics, chemical sludge and debris that has been accumulating since the 1950s, and was recently discovered to be large enough and buoyant enough to support human inhabitants. In a press conference

yesterday, the president noted how fortuitous it is that our predecessors were so careless with their refuse disposal, and how this plan is the perfect silver lining in what has been a devastating year of Mother Nature’s wrath. “Though I suppose the patch may have probably been a contributing factor to so pissed off in the first place,” he added. The imminent re-absorption of Hawaii into Nature was assumed to be solely the work of Nature, but the anti-tourism lobby is now thought to have a hand in the events. All coastal states, especially California, are advised to practice extreme caution. Safety recommendations include pagan fertility rituals, the sacrifice of virgins to the Mother Goddess, and the induction of a lunar based calendar system.

Worst Self-Help Novels of the Past 50 Years

10. How to Clone Friends and Influence People 9. Unlocking Your Farmville Potential 8. Conquering Your Self Help Book Addiction: Part One of Twelve 7. A Better You: Tips for Optimizing Your Online Avatar 6. Men are From Mars, Women are From Test Tubes 5. Making it to Your Front Door: The Seven Step Program 4. The Cure to Loneliness: A Complete Pet Moon Rock Guide 3. The Truth: We’re Lying 2. The Joy of Surrogacy 1. How_to_Get_Yourself_off_the_Internet_ and_Into_Real_Life.pdf

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May 2, 2076

National News

Hurricane Zeta-Zeta to Hit Tennessee Coast

ADIL MISTRY Stuff Writer

urricane Zeta-Zeta is making waves as the powerful storm front approaches the Tennessee coast. The seventyfourth hurricane to hit the storm-battered East Coast of the United States, Zeta-Zeta forced meteorologists to run through the Greek alphabet a second time after going through the English alphabet, resulting in the storm’s peculiar name. Linguists are crossing their fingers and hoping this is the last tempest of the year, as the name of the next hurricane would inevitably “just sound stupid.” Hurricane Zeta-Zeta is expected to bring about 36 inches of rain and heavy winds. However, experts warn that the real concern is the level of radiation and acidity

the whole ‘Atlantis’ name change,” FEMA spokesperson Ted Sparks insisted. While some have suggested that weather patterns have grown more severe as a result of global warming, government scientists warn against jumping to conclusions. “We’re still not certain whether these weather patterns are a result of climate change. Sure, Zeta-Zeta is stronger than the average storm we see, but we shouldn’t let it rain on our parade. Alaskan winters are now in the comfortable midseventies, and Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana have been given wonderful coastlines following the unfortunate and still unexplained melting of the polar ice caps, so it’s not all bad,” Dr. Fisher, head of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, explained. Dr. Fisher went on to explain that the acidity in Zeta-Zeta is simply due to a naturally occurring increase

TOP TEN

Charities You Should Donate to Today

10. Christians Against the Feline Penitentiary System 9. Life Preservers for Jamaicans 8. National Plastic Surgery Fund 7. Meals on Rockets 6. Translucent Children 5. Society for the Protection of Unemployed Cancer Workers 4. Guns for Children 3. Children for Guns 2. We Still Need Donations for Haiti 1. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animatronics

PHOTO BY DORAN JOY

“Okay, global warming might be real,” one newly-widowed, drowning tennessee resident said. in the storm front. Due to the possibility of radioactive acid rain, which will likely render most of Tennessee even more uninhabitable for the next decade, officials have issued a voluntary evacuation advisory for the entire state. Nearly 98 percent of the state’s population is expected to evacuate due to their ignorance of the definition of “voluntary.” Fortunately, the news of Zeta-Zeta is not all bad. Meteorologists are confident that the storm has avoided the Atlantic oil spills and so is unlikely to catch fire. In addition, the government emergency management agency, FEMA, has promised to respond more quickly to the impending storm than it has to previous natural disasters. “Sure we have dropped the ball in past years, but no one from New Orleans, Miami, or Atlanta remembers what happened because they’re all long dead. Besides, the Atlanta flooding worked out for the best with

Page 5

in carbon dioxide concentration in the atmosphere following large amounts of combustion of fossil fuels, a spontaneous process that occurs in the wild when flame is put to petroleum and coal, not a man-made phenomenon, and that the public should be wary of any global warming sensationalism in the press. It would appear that the public has heeded Fisher’s advice. A recent Gallup poll shows that many Americans are still skeptical of the role of man in global warming. Residents of Tennessee still seem unconvinced of the role climate change has played in the frequency and strength of storms. Instead, many insist that the formation of hurricane Zeta-Zeta was in response to the state’s failure to ban robosexual marriage. “We’ve seen it time and time again, God punishes robosexuals in hurricane-prone areas,” a global warming skeptic explained.

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Congratulations! You’re our 10,000,000th reader! Click here to claim your prize One week’s rations!

Space-Bubble Bubble Threatens to Burst

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Used to experiencing weightlessness, this astronaut must now conquer homelessness.

NELKIN VERBLEDOT Vice Chancellor For Equity and Diversity ollowing the last few months of stock market fluctuation, economic experts announced they expect the steady, rapid rise in the price of space-bubble based stock is most likely coming to a dramatic end. Since the announcement,

many consumers have grown increasingly concerned about the safety of their personal space-bubbles. “What if the bubble bursts midflight?” frequent space-bubble user Sam Tongen asked. “I might not have time to buy another one before the airless vacuum of space starts giving me a headache. That’s what it does, right?” This is the most recent in a long history of economic bubbles, following the historic dotcom bubble, tech bubble,

and housing bubble, as well as the more recent Martian defense and social networking bubbles. The space-bubble bubble bursting would signify a dramatic transition in the interests of investors, in that now they would have to pick another completely worthless market to over-speculate in, pretending the products actually have value. As with most bubbles, it is unclear as to why or how the industry was ever thought profitable or even

not completely useless. Since the invention of the commercial space-bubble in 2072, consumer interest has expanded rapidly. However, market experts continue to debate over which irrationality came first — that of consumers or investors. This intense debate has revealed much tension on the surface of the market. The volatility of the market in the past few years has caused many investors to fear that sooner or later, the investment would blow up in their faces. Although many didn’t see the issue as expanding too much, others felt that the solution would be literally everywhere. In 2017, the United States Air Force began running regular test flights of space bubbles from the deserted campus of University of California, San Diego, formerly a prospering research institution. Over fifty years later, scientists realized that space bubbles have no practical defense usage, so the patent was sold to outside private companies. The scientists also discovered that the campus had actually been active the whole time, but no one had noticed. In 2072, SpaceBlow became the first company to sell commercial space-bubbles. By 2074, it was the first successful company to have the word “blow” in its name. “I think it really says something about the intelligence of the American public,” psysicist Rico Calvert said. “It took scientists 50 years to realize space bubbles were just empty promises with a thinly veiled exterior. It only took us four!”

VODKA OF THE PAST

TOP TEN

Reasons to Join the Military

10. You needed a haircut, and four years of service is totally worth it 9. You like flags and medals on your body 8. Invention of real life respawn has made it much less dangerous 7. You’re sick of your wife 6. As a member of the French Foreign Legion, you probably won’t see combat anyway 5. Because ladies love a guy with robot legs 4. You hear it’s a very complex industry 3. There’s about to be a war in the Bahamas 2. Your father always said you’d amount to nothing and well, he was right 1. Didn’t get into a good enough prison out of high school

May 2, 2076

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The U.S. Tricentennial

As we come upon the 300th anniversary of the world’s fifth most powerful nation, we take a moment to look back and reflect upon the trials and tribulations of our foreparents and their struggles to cultivate the country into the shining foil ball of democracy that it is today.

Constitutional Convention grants freedom and equality to everyone in the room.

George Washington runs for president again under the name Franklin Pierce.

Americans now only three-fifths racist!

Dolly Madison burns down White House during an attempt at hotboxing, saves portraits and a bong.

Tho dis dred inve

55 18

14 18

Lewis and Clark give Sacagawea a tour of the Pacific Northwest.

France and India slug it out in the Americas.

Eli Whitney invents the funk.

Transcontinental Railroad follows LG&B railroads.

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Harriet Tubman plays bass for Grand Funk Railroad.

Remember the Alamo Site of the nation’s first car rental

This historic event would later inspire the invention of the Ford Model T, and remains culturally relevant to this day. Every year, the United States invades Mexico in celebration.

“Theyshouldn’thavetriedtochangetheradiostationwhileIwasdriving.”

World was forever chan Cincinnati resident Will inadvertently discovers t keeps hidden for next

Yo quiero poder politico

2026

Nation develops too many stomach problems.

2027

Entire workforce stops going to work.

PresidentLocowillalwaysberememberedforhisstrengthandresolutenessduring the nationwide Visine shortage.

Following the legalization of cannabis, a nation of stoned constituents elected a Doritos Loco Taco president just because it was like, funny, dude. In his inaugural speech, President Loco promised to enact Mexican-inspired policies within the nation.

“I should have done this to Barack.”

Robots gain right to vote, marijuana recriminalized.

Occupy Wall Street protestors finally give up.

Orwell publishes H tory of United State

Doritos Loco Taco Elected President

202

National Cheetos blight.

Country music industry changed forever.

A little less conversation, a littl shooting people in the fac

Marijuana legalized, entire country decides to chill.

Bike rentals available in the basement.

The infamous Battle of the Alamo spanned 11 days in the winter of 1836 after disgruntled rental car customer James Bowie and an agent were unable to agree on a rate. After nearly three days of tense negotiations, the rental agent crumbled and gave Bowie a discount. However, Bowie was unable to get his deposit back when, upon its return, it was determined that over 250 Texans had died in the car.

However, many believe that their taco was too soft on his immigration and welfare reform. His reign was cu short when Hillary Clinton ate him in 2030 in a marijuanainduced coup also starting the nation’s tradition of devouring your politica predecessors

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May 2, 2076

US Experiences 12 Year Mood Swings

Spanish-American War: Americans decide whether they want to speak Spanish or American, decide to keep speaking American.

America struggles with her Great Depression

United States enters World War I, saves all of the first world.

27 19

America offers unpaid internships to Japanese youths.

1937

1945 19

This kind of action is much better with handcuffs.

Thousands of young men sign up for the army, volunteer to attend Buffalo Springfield Vietnam.

Civil Rights Act passed, South admits it may have lost the Civil War.

19 64

Three badass Jews gun the shit out of Hitler’s face.

Generation that ruins everyone’s lives is born. Assassination attempt on Texas Governor John Connally foiled by President John F. Kennedy’s head.

The Reagan Cloning Project Actually just the reformed Republican party

Today

Last known sighting of the sun.

New planet discovered between Earth and Mars, named “Holy Shit How Did We Miss This?”

Beginning of the Antepostneomoderncontemporary art movement.

20 38

al s.

Ronald Reagan Alpha plays first little league game.

“Hey, the liberals were right. This science thing is actually pretty fun.”

“I don’t remember which droids I was looking for.”

In the year 2038, a team of earnest scientists contracted by Disney embarked on a mission to recreate famous figures from history in order to populate a new theme park. After years of failed attempts, they finally succeeded with the creation of Ronald Reagan Alpha. Following the success of their creation, the scientists continued with the Reagan cloning project, spawning a new generation of world-renowned politicians and actors.

p, g s

193

Amelia Earhart and Lindbergh baby run off, start new life together.

m a

2 19

Originally called “America Kickin’ Some Ass,” the concept of a police action was thought up in the 1950s to classify conflicts in Vietnam, Korea, and elsewhere. Here we look at some of its other applications.

American tradition of losing one’s job established.

1942

n e

Thecountryrealizedithitrockbottomwhenitsataround watching “The Truman Show” all day.

Small breasts popular for only time in American history.

Because we do what we want, goddammit

nged when liam Jacobs time travel, 60 years.

Calvin Coolidge gets drunk, sleeps through presidency.

Police Action

le more ce

18 19

Moose runs as third party president, is assassinated by Teddy Roosevelt.

Dustbowling discovered to be less fun than ten pins.

Following America’s difficult breakup with Europe in the aftermath of WWI, the United States sank into a mood swing the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Okay Depression of 1892. The following 12 years were filled with citizens binging on grapes of wrath, refusing to get out from under their Hoover blankets, and listening to the Smashing Pumpkins on repeat. Luckily for our lovers, the USA and Europe were reunited on a surprise blind date benevolently orchestrated by Nazi Germany and Japan.

omas Edison scovers hundth way to not ent light bulb.

Hises.

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Politics

Time Travel Development Allows Men to Cock-Block Themselves

May 2, 2076

Research Suggests Barack Obama May Have Been American

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

President obama once remarked, “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of niagara falls pulverizing you as you fall to your death.”

JESSI CARR 9623 “She’ll be really fat in ten years,” this man tells himself. “but we still look great.”

JANINE DAVIS

Staff Typer

ast Tuesday, Genericorp chose to go public with the newly developed Personal Time Travel Device, a long-anticipated and intensely-debated new product. Lawmakers in Washington have already spent the last several months preparing to begin planning to spend several future months attempting to start drafting legislation that will deal with the far-reaching implications of this technology. The battle rages on in the debate over legalization of time travel contraception. Security has already been established to protect major historical figures, as

many classic celebrities have been harassed. United States Congressman Jim Mendoza (R-TX) explains the difficult predicament lawmakers are already facing. “Though young Kim Kardashian continues to be accosted by time travelers hoping to grope her bottom, we are having difficulty justifying laws to protect her and others when their existence has virtually no effect on the future.” Despite this drama, clearly the most contentious time-travel related ability is that those with the PTTD can prevent their children from being conceived. Although originally ethically-based, a liberal pundit’s claim that men who wish to use this form of contraception are “assholes” has shifted the focus of the debate to men’s rights. In tune with this shift,

virtual proxy-protestors outside the Capitol this week claimed there is a liberal war on men and chanted, “Keep your laws off our time machines.” The two main arguments in this debate can be broken down into conservatives, who claim that it is a man’s right to have control over his role as a father, and liberals, who argue that it is highly unethical to erase a person’s existence without their consent. “The left is completely hypocritical,” news anchor Bill Richards, who wishes to utilize the technology as a contraceptive, said. “In the past, liberals knowingly advocated for the destruction of fetuses without asking their consent, and yet I can’t terminate a pregnancy in this peaceful, nonviolent way?” A spokesperson for the An-

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

ti-Time Traveling Cock-Block Association replied, “I don’t really think that’s the same thing, Mr. Richards. I’m 37.” The spokesperson later apologized for this rude comment, as it falsely assumes Richards’ 37-year-old son has higher cognitive functioning than a fetus. At a press conference last night, the public seemed to respond positively to Richards’ argument that “for too long men have had to choose abstinence or been expected to remember to use a condom in the heat of the moment.” However, liberal pundit Joan Harrison quickly shot down that excitement when she remarked, “You guys realize women can use the time machines too, right?” Conservative support for the PTTD devices has since plummeted.

Supreme Court Overturns Afghanistan’s Prop 17, Human-Clone Marriage to Remain Illegal

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS AND KYLE KOERBER

“Shouldn’t i be afforded the same rights as me?” one protester asked.

JESSI CARR 2948 More Attractive Clone

n a 6 to 3 decision announced last Friday, the Supreme Court of Afghanistan ruled the controversial Proposition 17 to be unconstitutional, angering the vocal majority of Afghani voters who campaigned tirelessly for months to permit straight humans and straight clones to marry. “We must uphold the

Christian values that our forefathers George Bush and Dick Cheney bestowed upon us so many years ago,” Justice James Smith said in his ruling. “Without their great kindness and assistance in the liberation of our ancestors, people wouldn’t even have had the chance to vote on something before we overruled it.” The issue first arose in Afghanistan in 2071, when Badr Ahmed and Aisha Nasser Gamma, a clone of Ahmed’s first wife, filed for a marriage license in Kabul and were denied on the basis that Nasser “was conceived in an un-

natural and immoral manner not in accordance with the National Reproduction Code, section 7, appendix 371.2.” Many across the nation called for the marriage to be allowed, and hundreds of other human-clone couples came forward. This demand for the same recognition and rights as both straight and gay humanhuman couples started a long battle that recently ended with the inclusion of Proposition 17 on last September’s ballot. “Sure, there may be a few people here and there who think that this kind of abomination against nature is ac-

ceptable,” human rights advocate Hassan Abbas shouted to a small crowd of opposition gathered outside the courthouse. “But we live in a Christian nation with a large Muslim majority, and this just goes against both of our morals!” Despite the opposition, polls conducted around the country — and not to mention the proposition’s 87 percent “Yes” vote landslide — indicate that most of the country supports the idea, given that “clones are pretty much people, anyway.” The overruling of the proposition is also expected to have its economic downfalls. Many have raised the issue of what is to become of their caterers and wedding venue deposits now that their planned marriages can no longer happen under law. Greeting card companies have also had to pull humanclone marriage cards from the shelves, despite there being no difference between the human-clone marriage cards and the more traditional human-human marriage cards. Despite the setback, many believe that it’s only a matter of time before Afghanistan comes to realize the inherent right that clones have to marry a suitable spouse of the opposite sex. “It’ll be a tough battle, but I firmly believe that this is an important battle,” Badr Ahmed said. “But gay human-clone marriage?” he added. “That’s something that will never happen. At least not in this lifetime.”

Less Attractive Clone

ast week, Harvard University professor emeritus of history Nicolas Muller published a groundbreaking paper in which he claims the 43rd and 45th President of the United States, Barack Obama, may have actually been born an American citizen, not a TanzaKenyEthioMadagastian, as decided by Congress in 2031. Former President Obama was exiled from the nation after the so-called Birther Movement managed to get their grievances addressed by Congress years after they originally filed the claim. He then spent the remainder of his life on a beach in Jamaica wearing lobster-adorned apparel and listening to Jimmy Buffett, pausing only to deny the claims of some splinter-Birthers that he had actually returned to his home country. The research published by Muller suggests that a smudged word on Obama’s birth certificate listed under “Place of Birth” is not in fact Addis Ababa, Algeria, Antananarivo, or even Armenia as a few have suggested, but America. “I am confident that by my use of the latest in zoom-andenhance technology — and a bit of Photoshop wizardry — I can proudly and surely proclaim that Barack Hussein Obama was in fact born in the glorious U.S. of A. and not some grass hut in the middle of Timbuktu,” Muller announced to a crowd of seven bored graduate students, who

all later admitted that they only attended his presentation because of the appeal of the post-ceremony wine and cheese reception. Muller’s announcement has caused some former Birthers to take back their views and pencil Obama’s name back into their children and grandchildren’s United States history textbooks. However, a majority of Birthers still are not convinced that Obama’s newfound identity as an American is enough proof. “So what? Now that some whackjob at Harvard says Obama is an American I’m just supposed to accept it and retroactively make the guy my president?” nursing home resident Claire Schwartz, one of the original supporters of the Birther movement in the early 2010s, asked. “Next thing you know, you’ll be saying that he wasn’t black and that gays can marry. Oh, what? They can? Well, he’s still black, right?” A majority of the public is completely unaware of the new findings or even the controversy surrounding Obama’s birthplace. “Obama? Isn’t that the lady running for VP? I thought you had to be an American to run for office in the first place,” University of California, San Diego junior Thomas Chang stated. Follow-up research done by Muller’s colleagues at Harvard has possibly found even more information about Obama’s birthplace. “We believe that we have pinpointed the location of his birth to a hospital in Winnipeg, Manitoba,” one stated. “While this may not make him a United Statesian, he is still most definitely 100 percent American. And an American president is all we can ask for.”

TOP TEN

Problems With Kids These Days

10. They look strangely like the man who delivers the calcium supplements 9. They never stop reading those damn books 8. They don’t understand how important it is to have their entire face in braces for the first 12 years of their lives 7. Always asking, “Have we gone yet?” on teleporter trips 6. Won’t get off of my lawn 5. Refuse to eat their vegetable paste 4. Don’t appreciate the hard work we had to do looking things up on Wikipedia 3. Always talking to friends in their heads 2. They continuously refuse to call you 1. They keep asking why you engineered them like that

May 2, 2076

theMQ.com

Page 9

Science & Technology

Einstein Descendant Discovers 1 + 1 = 1.99 String Theory Comes Together, Everything Else Unravels

MONICA BHIDE

Invisibility Cape Sales Stagnate Due to Unforeseeable Circumstances

Inactivity Coordinator

t this year’s annual International Physicist’s Conference, physicist Meera Padgaonkar-Einstein conclusively proved superduperstring theory’s existence. The discovery, which utilized a yet-undiscovered mathematical tenet that one plus one does not equal two, has changed the scientific world forever, mainly by contradicting hundreds of previously-held scientific theories. The advent of superduperstring theory follows from the historical fields of string theory and superstring theory. “This new mode of thought is a big breakthrough for us,” Padgaonkar-Einstein, the great-great-granddaughter of Albert Einstein, commented. “No one had ever thought to add a ‘duper’ before.” Following the announcement, many academics were quite fearful for what this meant for the future of scientific inquiry. The conference unexpectedly broke out into chaos, due to the fact that chaos theory had also been dismantled. This area of quantum theory has no doubt been affected by the most by this discovery, but it has been impossible to ascertain how hard theorists are taking the news. Observing their reactions would change the nature of said reactions, so it can only be assumed there are cats everywhere. “We’ve really had to go

This new theory allows for up, down, and sweater electron spins. back to the drawing board for this one,” Liesl Weber, a professor of structural engineering at the University of California, San Diego, explained. “Gravity, for example — can’t we still have that one? Please?” Weber then threw her iPad 47 down in disgust, but could no longer enjoy the certainty that it would stay down. The achievement also marks a significant milestone for creationists, whose longstanding denial of evolution has been proven true, reuniting religion with what is left of science. “Jesus was the original superduperstring theo-

rist,” Margaret Donnely, head of the Third New Topekan Church of Mira Mesa, said. “If everyone just listened to us, they would have proved science false a long time ago!” What is considered to be the greatest intellectual achievement since the theory of general relativity has had broad implications for society. Even the realm of sociology, once thought to be impervious to scientific research, has had its share of theories rendered inadequate due to this finding. Prominent sociologists have been utterly bewildered to find that feminist theory is now

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

completely unusable. “I’m going to be honest,” sociologist Mildred Thurst said. “I’m not even sure if females exist right now.” While the theory of general relativity will now have to be scrapped, superduperstring theorists are optimistic about the future of science. “You know, after we cured cancer and mastered space travel, it seemed like scientists were going to be out of business for good,” biochemist Louise Vargosa explained. “With this discovery, we’ll have hundreds of years of material to reconsider. Take that, cancer!”

Genetically Engineered Bacterium Gains Sentience

BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Head Translocator n an article recently published in Scientific American, researchers Lars Spiegelman and Jeb Mosley claim to have produced a strain of Escherichia coli capable of self-awareness. “Through a series of trial and error experimentation,” Mosley announced, “we were able to selectively coerce a strain of bacteria to be remorseful for the bouts of debilitating diarrhea it unwittingly causes in humans.” While scientists had originally developed and expanded the field of genetic engineering in model species such as mice, C. elegans, and chimpanzees, the focus recently shifted toward genomic modification of E. coli,

JOSHUA BIDWELL BORA BUYUKTIMKIN Assistant Spellcheck Editor and Head Translocator

ust days after its highly anticipated release, Genericorp’s Invisicape suffered staggeringly low sales, estimated in the low hundreds. “We could say we didn’t see that one coming,” representative Freida Growlner said, “but that would destroy what little of a soul we have left.” The invisibility cape is labeled so due to its patented “Invisicam” technology, which uses thousands of tiny cameras and monitors to project the image opposite the viewer towards the viewer, simulating invisibility. Due to this technology users are only physically invisible; Google will still be able to track where they are at all times. Because of the device’s massive price tag, boasting a number larger than the average yearly wage in North Dakota, it has been marketed towards the super-rich. Advertisers posit that those millionaires will wish to partake in the old-time game of hide and seek, a feat deemed otherwise to be impossible. “No one has fun anymore, so that’s where the Invisicape comes in. We’re all busy with issues like trans-humanism, the runaway greenhouse ef-

fect, and the eventual heat death of the universe,” Hugo Mortenson, sports historian, remarked. “According to some fortunately preserved printed publications, people apparently used to interact faceto-face with things called ‘games.’” “While this technology is still in its infancy, we undoubtedly were disappointed with how the Invisicape performed in the market,” Genericorp spokesperson stated in a press release. “It looks like we have to begin enhancing its features like extending its cloaking capabilities to infrared or ultraviolet frequencies.” The Invisicape, while limited in its features, harkens back to the days of the early 21st century where humans were restricted to sight within the visible light spectrum. Nostalgists lauded the product upon its public unveiling, but the writing was already on the wall; few groups expressed interest beyond a small niche of billionaires able to justify its exorbitant price tag. Despite the dismal sales of the Invisicape, the product has its fans. Among these fans is Genericorp researcher and technology development team leader Tony Lim. “People really don’t know what they’re missing out on,” he told interviewers. “Here, let me show you how cool this thing is.” “Um, hang on,” he added. “I swear it’s around here somewhere. You know what? I think I left it on. Come back tomorrow; the battery is sure to run out by then. Then I’ll show you how cool it is.”

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

Ray-ban glasses are both necessary and sufficient for sentience. due to the ease of its DNA recombination. Before the seeming breakthrough of induced awareness, the scientific community had assumed E. coli utility would plateau at features like whiskers and opposable thumbs. “No one could have guessed that such a fundamental property of humanity could have been produced in such a relatively simple organism like E. coli,” Spiegelman remarked. “If science can easily achieve such a feat, is there really a point to our existence?” Having narrowed down the relatively short sequence of 128 base pairs in the human genome “hiding in plain sight” assumed to code for self-awareness, Spiegelman and Mosley believed it only to be a matter of time before the sequence could be added to other organisms. “Our initial search for the “sentience gene” began with

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Don’t worry, there wasn’t much to see there anyway.

one specific base pair, but eventually proved to be fruitless when we realized that the same four base pairs are repeated throughout our genome,” Mosley said. “However, the Supreme Court decision in Dawkins v. United States allowing direct experimentation on human subjects permitted direct knockout of sequences of varying length in live subjects to find it.” While Spiegelman and Mosley possessed plenty of resources to perform rapid scans of the human genome, the pair insisted on analyzing each designated sequence one subject at a time to witness its in vivo effects. Due to the thoroughness of their search, the greater part of the previous decade was spent in persuit of the gene. “Sure we have all of these machines that you can just stick in a tissue sample and determine the current expres-

sion of each gene within minutes,” Andrew Farris, project supervisor, stated. “But who are you going to trust? A computer that just spits out a precisely calculated result from thin air, or humans performing indiscriminate trial-anderror experimentation?” Many of Spiegelman and Mosley’s peers have already deemed the experiment “Nobel Prize-worthy” and “the genetic breakthrough of the century,” but the two scientists have attempted to maintain their heads as they look to expand upon their findings. “Our discoveries were astounding in any context, but it’s hard to determine if we’ve reached the evolutionary peak of the E. coli bacterium,” Mosley claimed. “When we’ve reached such breakthroughs in such a simple organism, it seems kind of pointless to try to advance and improve humanity, doesn’t it?”

TOP TEN

Disadvantages of Google SmartVision

10. Slow internet connection leaves you nearsighted 9. Not as stylish as iGlass 8. Touch screen display proves unpopular 7. Requires a Google Plus account 6. Suggests people you should be looking at based on people you have seen 5. Still won’t hide your hideous face 4. Doesn’t work in China 3. Showers difficult with SafeSearch enabled 2. The tumors 1. Not compatible with beer goggles

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May 2, 2076

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Entertainment

Justin Bieber Buried With Wives, Property, Deified

Paramount Pictures Presents

Explosions and BoobsD 3 Completely voluntary comedy

Religious officials have assured the faithful this was the only time the lord bieber touched himself.

JACK BEEGAN Narcotics Overseer

ormer pop sensation and self-proclaimed monarch Justin Bieber received Canada’s first royal burial this week, following his untimely death at the age of 85 from complications related to his severe liver cirrhosis. Along with a lavish ceremony and generous reception, Bieber became the first Canadian to be officially deified. In 2034, Bieber used his international fame and devoted fan base to seize political power in Canada, declaring himself the first King of the Canadian Empire, triggering a violent chain of events that would become the Canadian Civil War. The war devastated the country and left 11.4 mil-

CHRISTOPHER ALDAMA

lion dead. Now, his glorious legacy has come to an end. Billions across the planet watched as Bieber’s body was laid to rest, along with those of his 79 wives. Though the ceremony was described as both “moving” and “seriously, I’m like literally crying my eyes out right now,” Francesca Ward, an organizer for the ceremony, noted that the burial was not without its problems. “After the wives were dead, they really didn’t put up much of a fight,” she said. “So that was just a little bloody. But we definitely underestimated the Anointed One’s followers.” Reports say as many as 207 people made their way to the edge of the burial site before jumping to their deaths, in order to be with their beloved king forever. The deceased was interred with much of his property, which includes but is not lim-

ited to: his childhood home, the disembodied hearts of tweens from across the world, and the last family of Calico cats in existence. Bieber’s last will and testament also included a request that he be laid to rest with physical records of every paternity suit brought against him. However, many believe Canada simply lacks the paper necessary for such a task. Following his burial, the Canadian government officially declared a state religion for the second time, elevating Bieber to the status of a god. His family said they were touched by the gesture, as “it was only implied” for the last 66 years. Insiders believe this new faith will outlast Canada’s former official religion, a naturalistic faith that included human sacrifices to the roving packs of wolves that plagued the Northern Territories.

In fact, one of Bieber’s first acts as king was to take back many of Canada’s urban areas from the wolves. Many historians believe this event to be the first step in Canada’s ascent as a major world superpower. Construction has already begun on Bieber’s tomb, which was originally set to cost an estimated $10 billion. However, Beliebers across the world raised $13 billion more than required, and architects have had trouble reaching consensus on how to spend the extra funds. “I say, we tear this whole thing down and build a mountain,” Neil Jefferson, one of the architects of the original tomb, said. “I mean, sure, it might disrupt a small section of downtown Toronto, but it’s a small price to pay.” “I just can’t believe he’s gone,” he added, before bursting into tears.

Keith Richards’ Death: False Alarm

Cognitive Synthesist

uitarist of classic rock band The Rolling Stones, Keith Richards, gave the world a scare last Tuesday when he was pronounced dead. Mr. Richards was found in the streets of New Los Angeles after a brawl with a street fighting man. Envious of the men’s ability to use their hands, Keith entered quite quickly into the fight. Now that street fighting has become one of the most dangerous, popular, and legal forms of street performances, many 20th century celebrities are engaging in the activity to attempt to recapture the public’s attention. Richards’s fight has been the most notable since Zac Efron’s defeat last year at the hands of Miley Cyrus in the gutters of Detroit. Angie Dickinson, a North Hollywood resident who had been exiting a honky tonk bar when she witnessed the scuffle, described the fight to reporters. “After it started up, it looked like two wild horses trying to see who had more sympathy for the devil. Keith took 40 licks before he finally got his satisfaction. After Keith fell to the ground, people around him tried to wake him with the back of their hands. Then another 13th genarian took Keith

THE Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

TV Listings

Thursday

6/5c MOUNTAIN LIONS! In Space! Hilarity ensues when an idyllic moon picnic is interrupted by a pair of savage felines! Tune in this Thursday to catch the low-gravity, high-carnage chase. 8/7c Big Bang Reality We put four unsuspecting nerds into an apartment across the hall from a pretty girl. Will they finally work up the courage to talk to her? Find out in the exciting fifth season finale! 9:30/8:30c Bridezilla These women will do anything for their dream wedding. Now, they’re done with the training. They’re done with the catty fighting. Tomorrow, they’ll finally take on their biggest challenge: the gigantic, genetically modified superlizard this show is named after!

Friday

7/6c Mythbusters Watch as the mythbusters take on a horde of angry art history professors and Zeus himself. Did Prometheus really steal fire from the gods? 8/7c There Used to Be Sun in Philadelphia Don’t miss the heartwrenching sixth installment of this documentary miniseries. Will Dee finally win the Paddy’s talent show, or will the neverending darkness once again cause her to drown her crippling depression outside in a tub of Jameson? 9/8c Couch Tennis This week, watch the two sexiest athletes in couch tennis, each under 300 pounds, redefine what it means to exercise. Guest commentary from James Knowlwood, author of “Finger Exercises And You.” 10/9c Doctor Who Tune in for the 8,529th episode of this hit British children’s show! Tonight’s episode is almost as good as having friends.

Saturday

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

Richards credited his speed habit for helping him with the marathon before leaving to “do some finish lines.” from his infamy and gave him shelter. It all happened so fast, but it’s all over now.” She hummed a few bars and continued, “Sorry, I’ve been listening to the Stones for like, the past three hours straight.” During the fist fight Richards received so many jabs to his skull, he lost consciousness. His state of living was incorrectly diagnosed by Hollywood physician Dr. Henry Smith on account of his pulse. Richards’s pulse was easily mistaken without

taking into consideration his non-aging shots. The shots were given to him as part of a medicinal experiment by Dr. Ryan Jacobs, who chose his test subject not for his musicianship, but for his cameo in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” of which few copies still exist. The inoculations lowered his pulse in order to slow his body’s aging. This small factor, only seen in the early forms of de-aging, made Richards’s life or death undetectable. His

state of being alive was only confirmed when YouTube citywide video surveillance service observed him walking around the funeral home, calling out a welcome to any women within earshot to join him in his casket. “What a shame it would have been to lose Keith at only 133 years old, when he is speculated at half his life potential,” Doctor Jacobs said at a press conference attended by Richards’s great grandchildren.

1/12c CNN Twitter Hour On the most entertaining news outlet, these reporters get 140 characters to relay information between every commercial break. Will they finish the news report in time? 4/3c Keeping up With the Congresswomen Watch Nevada Senior Senator Martine French as she gets a manicure and then angrily scratches her pristine nails all down the side of Junior Senator Christie Green’s face. 5/4c NPR TV Pretentious people talk about something and occasionally listen to inaccessible rap. 11/10c Cids with a Camera Give 12 middle school children from a Chicago neighborhood a video recorder, $2000, and three days, and what do they come up with? Maybe this week they won’t just film themselves doing meth again.

Sunday

11am/10c Cyborg and Pregnant How will these partially-robot freaks get through the schoolday when they can’t try out for the cheer squad due to medical and technical reasons? 8/7c The 2076 Television Award Show Awards Who awards the awarders? Were the Oscars better than the Emmys? These difficult questions and many more will be answered this weekend at the 35th Annual Tellys.

Nightly

8p.m.-8a.m. Government Surveillance Live Feed Everyone knows the most popular real-time reality show in the U.S! Tonight may be your night for widespread fame.

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May 2, 2076

Sports

Iraq War Tied in Overtime, Goes Into Shootout

Page 11

Briefs

CUBS MANAGER: THIS IS THE YEAR In a press conference this week, Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Lockman swore to fans that this would absolutely be the year his team breaks their 168-year World Championship drought and brings home the Commissioner’s Trophy. Primarily, the team will focus on breaking the “Curse of the Billy Goat” once and for all. Beginning this year, the bullpen has been redubbed “the goat pen,” concession stands are selling goat cheese burgers, and

the third base coach has been replaced by an actual billygoat. “We are looking for a replacement soon, however,” Lockman stated. “It keeps eating the third baseman’s shoelaces.” If these measures prove to be enough to get the Cubs to the postseason, the ball club owners have one more ace up their sleeve to ensure total victory: The firstborn son of Steve Bartman will be sacrificed on the pitcher’s mound of Wrigley Field in retribution for the 2003 foul ball incident.

GULF WAR RE-ENACTMENT SOCIETY STILL YET TO STAGE A BATTLE

“Stop playing soccer and start shooting at one another, or i’ll have to kill you,” this official threatened.

CODY DONAHUE Individuality Suppressor

his Saturday, officials announced that the second overtime of the war in Iraq had ended, signifying the end to the nearly 50 years in which no shots had been fired. “Some might have called this period ‘peace,’” referee Derek Abanadasa said. “Idiots.” Under the Make War Fun Again Act, an extended period of inaction means that each soldier on the battlefield is eligible to receive one six shooter and six rounds of ammunition from the government. In an act of goodwill, the government will also offer this deal to any Iraqi citizen

who can provide information about hidden armaments of immense annihilation or details regarding when Shariah will conquer the United States. The new incentive system has not yet produced credible results but experts have assured critics. “Seriously, guys, something big’s going to happen sooner or later.” “It is our hope that this gesture may lead to a peaceful union of our nations,” President Reagan Alpha said. “Just like the first Cold War.” The announcement that soldiers were still in Iraq came as a shock to many, who incorrectly believed that the war had ended in 2011. However, the recent discovery of correspondence between former president George W. Bush and then Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta revealed that

nearly 40,000 secret troops were strategically stranded throughout the desert nation “just in case.” “You have to understand that 2011 was hard for President Bush,” historian David Grey said. “Junior’s genius was not yet realized, and there were many who even went so far as to actively make fun of him. To publicly admit to extending such an unpopular war can be difficult when no one is willing to listen.” Response to what is being termed “Bush’s present to America” has been, as expected, overwhelmingly positive. “Bush’s courageous decision has given us the chance to finally win this war,” General Reginald Perdido said. “Will watching 90-year-old men shoot small children on the 24-hour news feed be dis-

PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

turbing? Slightly. But war is a time of sacrifices.” However, some argue that the complex social and political infrastructure that Iraqis and U.S. troops built up together in the 2030s and 2040s will make it difficult for them to turn on one another. “It’s really amazing how far we’ve come,” stranded soldier Nicholas Warren said. “When we first invaded, we never imagined that Iraq might one day have a peaceful government.” “We’re in this one for the long run,” General Arthur McDouglas said. “I don’t care how many years we waste; fighting it out is the only way we’re going to get these boys home.” Fortunately for Iraq, average life expectancies predict that the last of the U.S. troops should die of natural causes in the next 20 years.

Jet Pack Tennis Not Nearly as Awesome as Hoped

CODY DONAHUE ZAC HANN Individuality Suppressor and Organic Life Expert

he debut of jet pack tennis this weekend was met with immense excitement for about 15 minutes, followed by nearly three hours of mind-numbing, Catholic Church-style boredom. Spectators texted, played video games, and chatted with singles in their area throughout the match, and later announced that these typical behaviors were supposed to somehow convey that they were not interested. While the sport sounded “pretty friggin’ sweet” in theory, fans soon realized that the presence of jet packs did not have enough sway to overcome the simple, repetitive nature of tennis. In addition, the scoring system remained as unintelligible as ever. “Luckily, they didn’t actually have to use it,” spectator Nerbil Wermvin said. “But it’s bad enough just thinking about it.” The game began with a high-speed volley, in which each player made unbelievable save after unbelievable save, and then continued in this manner to the point where “it wasn’t fun anymore.” In the 88th consecutive scoreless minute, both athletes decided that the tennis rackets were “ruining the fun,” and chose to focus

on executing simple aerial maneuvers like spinning in circles for the remainder of the game. Officials were incapable of forcing the players to continue, even after calling them names and threatening to stop giving them small metallic statues. Finally, the game was called on account of rain, after one of the spectators happened to be crying of boredom right above a referee’s head. “I was expecting highspeed collisions and fiery explosions!” Serena Ridd wailed. “What I got was two nerds who happened to be qualified to operate jet packs. They didn’t even look good in shorts, because they didn’t have to do any real physical activity to compete.” “And their asses were completely covered by those bulky jet packs,” she added. “They just weren’t playing correctly,” Gene Babbitt said. “For three entire hours, neither player drew his laser blaster. If only they let me in there!” After it was explained to Mr. Babbitt that laser blasters have not been invented, he appeared bewildered, and repeated, “Jet pack . . . blaster?” under his breath for several minutes. While jet pack tennis seems doomed for eternal unpopularity, the related sport of jet pack golf has risen rapidly in the public’s esteem, and is now even more popular than machine gun football. Admirers have described the classic maneuver, in which players swoop down at the tee in an upside down parabola to hit the ball with maximum momentum, as

The University of California, San Diego’s Gulf War Reenactment Society held their 10th annual general meeting last Thursday, where members sat in chairs and ate refreshments for hours on end. They have been described as “an enthusiastic yet completely impotent bureaucracy,” as they have yet to stage a mock police action. “Well, first of all, no one wants to be the bad guys. They’re like a bunch of gradeschool kids,” head of GWRS, Mike Leisinger, explained. “Don’t tell them I said that. And our first few years’ attempts were heavily marred by scandal in the wake of our use of face-paint and dish-towels as an affordable costume. Not everyone was okay with us ‘browning up.’ Looking back

on it I can’t see how we ever thought that was a good idea.” The members of the organization now go to great lengths to obtain the most authentic replica guns, clothes, and food as used by forces in the late 20th century. They do make some concessions, such as using more affordable, clean, and double-plus-good nuclear fuels, instead of the now impossible-to-obtain fossil fuels of yesteryear. As of yet, the GWRS have been unable to secure funding from the Associated Students Council to purchase fighter jets and cruise missiles, but Leisinger hopes they will be able to achieve this after the next multi-million dollar rise in tuition fees, and then GWRS will have a chance to compete in division one recreational warfare.

CHINA IMPLEMENTS OPEN ELECTIONS, NOTHING CHANGES Last summer, the People’s Republic of China announced its plan to abolish its long standing as a singleparty socialist republic. Officials decided to jump on the democratic bandwagon when they realized “bi-partisan democracy” just meant rampant corruption passable as a representative democracy. Chinese official Teh Ban Hong announced his opinion on the new political overhaul: “We can get rid of all those annoying bloggers while taking bribes from powerful

companies. I don’t know why we didn’t figure this out earlier.” Citizens are reportedly thrilled about the electronic polling booths being installed in their districts. Student Ying-Ying Zhang reported that she “initially thought they were installing another arcade, but no, the desperate pleas on [her] blog for equal representation were heard!” “This is the greatest day of my life,” she shouted while Chinese officials high-fived each other in the background.

We didn’t pass the genetic quotas either.

THE

Tuesdays. 6 p.m. Half Dome.

TOP TEN

Movie Sequels That Should Not Have Been Made

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER “Oh god, oh god, i’m in so much agony,” this burning athlete screams. “this game is the most painfully boring thing ever.”

“simply stunning,” and their ability to survey the green from above before putting as “a spectacle of power.” Some sports commentators have speculated that jet pack tennis has few fans because “Madden Jet Pack Tennis 2076,” for Playstation 12 and Ultra Xbox, hit shelves before the first actual tennis game, and Americans seem to derive more entertainment from playing the video game. “Why watch TV?” 12-year-old Timmy Benson asked. “They have to play by the rules. Is a point worth 15

or 0? Who cares? Look!” He proceeded to violently ram his character into the opponent for the 29th time in a row, resulting in a game over. “Cool! I can’t wait to unlock the nuclear warhead cheat!” Benson exclaimed. The future of the entire sport is now under review, prompting criticism from more health advocates. “Operating a jet pack is literally the most exercise anyone gets anymore,” Lara Sturgeon complained. “And I don’t think anyone will be willing to sit through couch tennis either.”

10. Ocean’s 23: On Stranger Tides 9. Toy Story 6: Andy’s Funeral 8. Independence Day 2: Labor Day 7. Harry Potter and the Uneventful Retirement Community 6. Death of a Salesman 2: Arthur Gets His Groove Back 5. Dances With Wolves 4.5: Intermediate Footwork With Your Canine Companion 4. Schindler’s List 3: Back to tha Streetz 3. Madea Combats the Education System 2. The Last of the Mohicans: Casino Tales 1. Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, 3

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May 2, 2076

theMQ.com

MQ's Guide to Summer Vacations Here’s the bad news: you might have to delay that transatlantic road trip you’ve been planning another year on account of an ocean. But you’re in luck! Here are 12 recommendations that will turn any winter of discontent into a summer of love. Or hate.

Romantic Getaways Sweep the love of your life off their feet with one of these sensual sabbaticals. Besides, flying your gal to the moon is so overrated now.

The Gaza Strip

Chance of getting laid

Bragability

Danger

Ideologically safe

Reproductive harm

Drug use advised

Humanitarian Leaves Helping people is good, but so is duty- and guilt-free shopping! Also, if you get back safe and sound, you can use your stories to get someone to touch you. Voluntarily. Yeah.

Join Doctors Without Borders

What happens in Gaza, stays in Gaza.

Detroit needs you.

Honeymoon in Pyongyang

The Paris of the East.

“Remember, it’s apes, not monkeys. You’re supposed to say ‘We didn’t come from apes.’”

Build minimalls in Sudan

Himalayan Island Cruise

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Surfing to the top of Everest is way cooler than climbing. Suck it, Sir Edmund.

Active Expeditions Because 80 years of “Seinfeld” reruns can get old.

The most dangerous, existential game

Educational Holidays Who says leisure and learning have to be mutually exclusive? These excursions will enhance your mind and your knick-knack collection.

The original site of the Freedom Towers

Clone and hunt yourself for sport!

Never forget to never forget.

Traditional rest stop sex tourism

Amish colony Reject the excesses of modernity. Embrace the rustic 1960s lifestyle.

“Those are quite the decorative mudflaps you got there, stranger.”

Gender Scout camping trip at Chernobyl Wildlife Preserve Bond with your alternative nuclear family.

Presidential iTunes library Anthony Weiner had a surprisingly low amount of cock-rock.