The MQ Volume 21 Issue 6

THE MQ’s

FAMILY FRIENDLY TRIPS ON THE COAST ARE DESALINATION PLANTS CONTRIBUTING TO SUMMER BEACH OVERCROWDING?

FOOD TRUCKS ARE ALWAYS MOVING SO WE CAN’T TELL YOU EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND THE BEST ONES

BEST SAND GRANULES OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ASSUMING YOU HAVE A MICROSCOPE

MODERN INTERIOR DECORATING THROWING GLASS STONES AT ROCK HOUSES

THE SCIENCE BEHIND TAQUITOS THE ADVANCEMENT OF BURRITO MINIATURIZATION

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Home 5 Steps to Overcoming Your Ikea Obsession

Design for the Master Suite

Repurpose Your Bed by Having Sex in It!

By TROY DeCARBO Interior Design Correspondent

Hey guys! It’s time for another look into the master bedroom. As arguably one of the most

important rooms in the house, it’s vital that you freshen it up, keep it lively and up-to-date!

Now, if you guys remember last issue, we talked about how chic it is to take one thing that has a normal, expected function, give it a totally new function, and shed a new light on its dual functionality. For example, last month we took a music stand and converted it into an at-home massage table. In the world of fashion, we took mason jars and turned them into fun and customizable birthday hats. And we’re sure you all remember last year’s special issue, in which we explained that the professional range you put in your kitchen can serve a dual purpose: almost more important than its function as a piece of art, your personal chef can use it to cook food!

In this issue, we want to take a look at how we can give new life to your bed. This idea’s an oldie, but a goodie. In fact, as we take you through the steps for this design, you may vaguely remember doing this a while ago, or maybe your parents talking about it. So, I guess you could say this is a somewhat “retro/vintage” design.

Let’s get to the point; we all know that your bed is used for sleeping, but what if we told you that you could have sex in that same bed?!

That’s right! Just take a look at the before and after of this master bedroom:

By EVVAN BURKE Tossed Salad

TO SOME, IKEA is known as an economic source of furniture for college

students and first-time homeowners. To others, it’s a vicious spiral of showrooms, gateway purchases, and Swedish cafeteria food. We’ve all been or known someone who is stuck in IKEA’s suction-cup grip, but there is hope for recovery for those who are ready to take the right steps. For me, my wake-up call came after my husband took away my keys, leaving me cold turkey for a long, tortutous week. Before I realized what I was doing, I had already killed my neighbors’ show horse to satisfy a meatball craving. As I went about the process of forming chunks of Fleetheart into bite-sized spheres, I knew it was time I started the five step program.

1. Admit that you have a problem. Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before you can accept you’re falling. Maybe it’s because you’ve started learning Swedish on Rosetta Stone at four in the morning so you can appreciate the subtle difference between the MOHEDA and the FRIHETEN sofa beds. Perhaps you’re living in a pup tent made of Ikea’s 59cent bags because you’ve filled your bedroom with their signature PAX storage system. Either way, before anything will get better, you have to admit that things need to change, no matter how comfortable their GRUSBLAD bed comforter made that tent.

2. Acknowledge IKEA’s faults. Repeat after me: “Particleboard is tacky, and just because the little illustrated guy on the assembly manual is having a good time doesn’t mean I’m going to.”

3. Declutter your mind and your home.

Once you’ve shattered your rose-tinted RÄTTVIK glasses, the time has come to clear out your old mistakes by selling them on Craigslist. This can be one of the most stressful parts of process, so it often helps to have a sponsor around to keep you on track. Look for someone firm, who won’t be afraid to put their cigarette out on your NOCKEBY sofa for extra incentive. Once you’re on Craigslist, resist the temptation to add new things to your collection. You will be tempted to pick up that BEDDINGE futon for half price. Don’t pretend that you’re going to have guests spending the night. Especially not after the great “carpet” incident of ‘10.

4. Make amends with those you’ve hurt. It’s time you apologized to Martin and his fiancee.

They weren’t interested in having a fourway on your HERRUP carpet the first time you asked five years ago, no matter how well it wicks off fluids.

5. Start over again. Once you’ve gotten rid of the old, it’s time to reorganize how to live your new life so you can stay on the straight and narrow. Change your commute so you don’t pass by Ikea’s seductive blue facade. Block IKEAHackers on your computer. Buy and undercook your own meatballs from a local grocery store. Buy a solid oak table like an adult.

I’m not going to sugarcoat how difficult this process will be. As your furniture enthused, disposable-income-gifted peers will attest, it will be a long several weeks on the road to recovery. However, with dedication, you too can give up chasing the Swedish fish and move onto a healthier and more mature place: Lowe’s.

The results are truly transformative. Just this one simple change in functionality gives the room a chic, fresh look. What once looked like a room at a Courtyard Suites is now incredibly personalized. This idea really plays with the idea of creating clean chaos, and adding charming discord and mess to a room that is, at first glance, clean and functional.

The steps to achieve this look are actually quite inexpensive, so our wallets won’t feel it. You won’t even have to make a trip to Lowe’s!

In fact, it’s as easy as grabbing your significant other, having crazy wild sex inside (as opposed to on top of ) the bedding, and then not making the bed afterwards.

So, what are you waiting for? Go out and make your master suite look new! You’ll want to show all your friends what you’ve done. And you can make sure to show us by sending us photos and tagging us on Instagram with the hashtag #WeHadSexSunsetAndWowTakeALookAtOurChicNewBed. Who knows? We may even include you in our next issue.

And make sure to pick up our next issue! We will be showing you how you can add elegant touches to your bathroom on a budget using the hair around your shower drain! It’s as easy as harvesting the hair, using a bit of Elmer’s glue, and making Fleur de Lis on your walls that will make that vinyl tub look like it came straight out of the Palais de Versailles! Don’t miss it.

Official Jen Windsor....................Riley Mallory Menage Foie Gras.......................Hillary Chan Desert Deserter......................Andrew Deneris Xotic Xeriscaper.......................Natalie McLain Carpet-to-Drape Matcher..............Barak Tzori Interim Dog-Walker...........Hannah Rosenblatt Wine Taster Taster..........Romelle Canonizado Serial Bruncher...........................Garrett Chan Impropriety Alarmist..................Lawrence Lee Ditch Digger...........................Katherine Wood

Editor-in-Chief.............................Jen Windsor Salad Tosser..............................Jacob Aguirre Tossed Salad..............................Evvan Burke Office Bicycle.........................Cole Steffensen Crop Top Artisan.......................Trevor Malone Youth Correspondent..................Kayle Kvinge Eating Praying Loving.............Brandon Ehlert Local Squirrel................................Uma Mahto Spirit of the West....................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Farah Abouzeid Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Corina Cadiz Karina CorralRodriguez Angelique De Castro

Everybody hurts ... sometimes. #NoEmotionalFilter

Dylan Everingham Amin Fozi Rohit Godbole Svein Gonzalez Phillip Hodgson Lauren Kirkbride David Lee Omri Levia Ben Levin

Julia Li Andre Olson Audrey Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Robert Pond Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan

Sarah Schlossberg Anthony Showalter Samantha Stevens Luke Tribble Kyle Trujillo Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang

Tuesdays at 6p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Wow, it’s the second-to-last issue of the year all of a sudden. It’s really been an up and down production cycle, but I think at the end of it we have another issue we can be proud of. Working with you all this year has been fantastic, and I’m sure I’ll go on more with that my last ed note. For now, know this: I tolerate each and every one of you. But really, I have learned and grown so much in my time here, and I have you all to thank for that.

Booster Club Thanks to Andrew for supplying our now traditional stock of sodas and bananas. Thanks, past us, for purchasing water bottles. How forward thinking and ravishingly attractive you are. Thank you to Karina for bring a variety of snacks, which would have apparently poisoned her otherwise. Thanks to Garrett for also bringing snacks. Thanks to the various people we, like leeches at your sides, drained the dining dollars from.

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One Family’s Simple Trick to Opening up Their Living Space Reclaiming Oregon Country

By JACOB AGUIRRE Salad Tosser

RENOWNED INTERIOR DESIGNER REBECCA JUNG revolutionized interior design when she found a way to open up the living room space of the Langley family home in Eugene, Oregon. As a result of Jung’s interior breakthrough, the Langleys, British ex-pats, have become unknowing soldiers the British reclaiming of what was once known as the Oregon Country.

Jung first stumbled upon her breakthrough while observing how the family used the space, a necessity since she “would never sacrifice function for form.”

“As I was watching, I peeped upon the core issue of the space,” Jung said in response to starting a territory war between what once was a strong alliance between the United States and the United Kingdom. “The door. Such a simple piece of furniture that helps to separate the different living space auras.

“But what if the barrier between those auras was broken? Well, it would be an artistic statement, for one,” Jung continued. “But also the space would be opened up significantly by revolving the barrier 90 degrees and thus incorporating the outside world into the Langleys home’s visuo-spatial dimensions.”

By opening the front door to the Langely’s house, Jung has inadvertently refueled Briton-American tensions regarding the ownership of the Oregon Country, which was given to the United States in the Oregon Treaty of 1846. As it turns out, the territory was incorrectly incorporated and, by the simple act of opening the door, now has come to be under the ownership of the Langleys, who are by all legal records “British citizens.”

“We moved to Ohio from British Columbia nearly 26 years ago,” said Jared Langley, the self-proclaimed British Regent Prime Minister of the newly founded South British Columbia. “And now we own it. That’s the British-American Dream.

“It’s kind of like planting a flag in some area and claiming it as your own, but instead of a flag it’s a 36 in. x 80 in. x 3 in. slab of knotty alder with three frosted-glass windows that has been rotated 90 degrees clockwise from a closed position.”

United States citizens are currently being evacuated from the

new interior design utopia that is South British Columbia, and are being relocated to underdeveloped states in the Union, such as Utah or Vermont, under a bill recently passed by Congress known as the “House GI Bill” as a way of stalling until they find a more

Biotech Startup Releases New Line of Customizable Pets

agreeable solution.

“I think we can come to some kind of agreement with the red coats,” said Orrin Hatcher, President Pro Tempore of the Senate. “They rely pretty heavily on our television programming for entertainment, and have yet to see

some of the hottest shows of this season, including but certainly not limited to the newest season of ‘Mad Men.’ “We’ve got this.”

The Union’s ownership of Idaho hasn’t changed, however, as the British weren’t aware it was a state and have

4 Profiles of

4GAY

COUPLES

We Deserve a Pat on the Back For Printing

yet to reclaim it as their own.

However, what has changed is the square-footage of the Langley’s home, which is certain to be a big plus when they put it up for sale this spring, since country-sized homes are completely in this season.

The gay rights movement has profound meaning for the lives of many people currently suffering intolerance. We decided to make this issue partly about them, by providing some profiles of struggling gay couples. But, with these profiles, it’s also a little bit about us. It’s about how you should continue buying a subscription to Sunset, because aren’t we so swell for very conspicuously showing gay families like they’re normal?

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By HANNAH ROSENBLATT

Interim Dog-Walker Beautinetics Inc., a new biotech startup company, the contrary, if you see the animal as remaining has just made the task of finding a suitable pet mainly in a bedroom in a mellow mood, perhaps for your home a lot easier. Choosing to include a with that 'I-kind-of-need-to-pee-but-also-wouldpet in your living space is a big decision, and it is be-cool-with-waiting-a-few-hours-and-not-movoften difficult to find the right fit for your home, ing' attitude would be preferable.” however with its new line of customizable pets, Many couples have already experienced the Beautinetics will create an addition to your famsatisfaction of coming home to handmade, allily that will perfectly match your home's style, organic Beautinetics product. atmosphere, and color scheme. Beautinetics “We could not have been happier with our guarantees pets to match everything from subchoice to purchase the Matt 500 model, an offtle beige crown molding to vibrant plaid throw white Pomeranian-Schitzu mix, with a shortened pillows. nose, medium length tail, and just-back-fromAvailable in multiple temperaments, sizes, Venice-Beach temperament,” said hip couple colors, and patterns, Beautinetics' Custom Pets Mary and Matt Drimple. “Its monotone color and are the perfect solution for urban, hip couples personality really complimented our minimalist looking to enhance their family pictures and diflat, and its sleek fur reflects the light nicely and versify their home decor. Through a combination comes out beautifully in pictures.” of new-age genetics and old-school design techOpting for an orange and purple chinchilla, niques, Beautinetics works to supply your perfect Emma and Jacques Ehmar also praised Beautipet, aged to 15 months and pre-potty trained. netics as providing the key design element they Currently, Beautinetics is offering cats, dogs, or were missing from their alternative trailer home. chinchillas, for those with a more exotic style.

“We love our Marty 2000x chinchilla product, Beautinetics also provides one-on-one counand it complements our vivacious Ralph Lauren seling with design expert Marc della Ordure, so wallpaper perfectly,” said the couple. “Della Orthat you can be confident your new pet will comdure was really crucial in helping us design our pliment your home. Della Ordure offers stylish Beautinetics product to suit our living space and tips for when to choose patterned versus solidreflect our own daring personalities to our friends toned pets, and was the mastermind behind the and visitors.” luxurious auburn and argyle style Shetlands reBeautinetics spokespeople stated that they leased last fall. believe in a future where such decorating tech“When choosing a temperament, it is cruniques will be commonplace not only in homes, cial to envision where you plan on keeping your but parks and other environments as well. Beauproduct,” said Della Ordure, offering further intinetics has already signed onto a contract with sight into pet choice. “For living room dogs, a Torrey Pines State Reserve and agreed to popuwillingness to always run to the door and look late the park with animals that better compliexcited to see you, or eat up a piece of food on ment the coloring and dispersion of the current the ground would send more of an 'I am devoted foliage and backdrop in the area, and are hoping to my pet's well being' message that goes well to bring the joy of custom animal populations to in the traditional Southern Californian home. On all SoCal neighborhoods.

Just beautiful that we’re printing this. Not only is there a gay couple, not only are they parents of a child, but the child is mixed race! And we’re treating it like it’s a totally normal thing, just like any other couple. This isn’t patronizing! I feel like we deserve an award from whatever the gay version of the NAACP is. Maybe the guys from “Queer Eye”?

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Wow, look at this couple! You would have never guessed they were gay from their ripped, manly form. They could have been football players. It’s obvious they’re actually a couple, though; just look at that physical contact. This is how we break down homosexual stereotypes, one sexually confused football player at a time.

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Intersectionality at its finest. Girls who are considered inferior because of both their sexuality and gender! They must have worked extra hard to get to where they are today, and we thought we’d award their attempt to be successful just like normal families. They definitely deserve a break, and we love helping the less-fortunate in any way we can.

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These two dogs have it almost as hard as that lesbian couple! Many people don’t acknowledge the canine population’s struggle, so we thought we’d voice their concerns, since they are incapable of doing so themselves. This just shows how edgy and forward thinking we really are. I bet you haven’t seen any other lifestyle magazine endorse gay dogs. This is groundbreaking.

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Decorate Your Mistress’ Condo

I’m Wealthy! Just Take One Look at My Spoon Cabinet

Page 4 w Home How to

By CLARA BURKE The Reverse Cowgirl

IT’S THREE IN THE MORNING and you’re having a

tense phone conversation in the backyard, desperately hoping your sleeping wife can’t hear you from the second-floor master suite. It’s official, the woman from your softball team is asking for a few “gifts” in exchange for keeping mum about you two making the bedroom with two backdoors, one of which is a medium price condo.

There’s no time to shop around with that kind of heat on you, but you’d be loath to spend that much money on something gauche. However, with these tips, you’ll be able to make any space extortion-worthy and affair-friendly in no time.

1.

2.

3.

First and foremost, look for some place with a simple floor plan so you won’t have to design around any tricky corners. There are a lot of options available to make the most of small spaces like a studio apartment, and an open floor plan will keep cleaning and “surprises” to a minimum. As an added bonus, an open, uncomplicated space is the perfect metaphor for what you thought this relationship was for.

Paint the room in gray neutrals so the area matches the moral ground you both think you’re in.

If possible, achieve a classic, sophisticated look and avoid carpet-burn by putting in wood paneling. If you really want to walk on something soft, there are plenty of review sites that can tell you which brands are more carpet-cardio friendly, although the most popular brands are NiteFiber and HarlotCarpets. At the very least, spring for a deep cleaning before move-in day, and make sure to ask if there are any

4.

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discounts for scheduling a cleaning later in the year, which you know you’re going to need. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to get an amazing deal on cleaning both houses.

Look for long, thick curtains in a statement color to give you control of the atmosphere, temperature, and mood of the room while hiding your shame from the prying eyes of the world.

Strategically place house plants like lavender, lily, and peppermint to help cover up the smell of sex during your post-orgasm guilt.

Setting up boundaries is incredibly important, especially if you do go for the studio apartment approach. Use a curtain or larger piece of furniture to help separate the living space from the sleeping space. Also, make sure it’s incredibly clear how and when it is appropriate to contact you when

you’re with your wife, as you desperately try to hold onto the marriage you are destroying.

7. Avoid drilling holes or installing any floating furniture. While it may be chic today, we all know how you reacted to commitment last time.

8. Tall statement pieces like an armoire or even a bold headboard draw attention away from storage on the floor, while also providing support when you try positions your wife “wouldn’t” do, but really you just never bothered to ask about.

9. Vinyl and leather accents really compliment any atmosphere you go for, because as much as you try to make this place seem upscale, it will always be a sex den you were extorted into paying for.

10. Most importantly, make sure you’re happy with all your design choices. Are you happy with your choices? Was it really worth it?

Sunday Afternoon

A Photographic Walk Through Shawna’s Hipster House

By BRANDON EHLERT & KATHERINE WOOD Eating Praying Loving and Ditch Digger

Shawna Summers, a loyal reader and supporter of our gazette, submitted this

photo-journal to us. Her neighborhood, located on the Pacific Coast near Big Sur, holds an annual competition in which they decide which house is the “most hipster.” It only takes one glance through this photo collection to know why her home won in 2015.

Without further ado, here it is: Says Summers, “In this piece, I wanted to take time to appreciate the details in our house. Tiny moments can really mean the most, but so often they slip through our hands like the chick I was trying to raise with my children. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it!”

The cool green of this smear of avocado, a traditional summer dish in our family, contrasts beautifully with the crisp white of the outlet.

Recipe: • 1 avocado • a knife • a single tear Use the knife to slice open the avocado. Scrape some of the flesh out onto a plate, thinking of the last time this wall was rewired and when your hopes were modest and dreams big. As you reminisce, neglect to notice that you left the wet blade next to your 4-year-old, and the 4-year-old next to the outlet. Take a deep breath, shed a single tear, and then eat a soothing bite of smashed avocado as you decide to keep the memories alive by yet again not calling an electrician, ignoring any whispers or screams that tell you otherwise.

In this new take on an Ansel Adams classic, I was thinking about my children and was inspired by the destruction of America’s youth as they are robbed of their innocence.

Even in the idyllic haven of nature and family, inauthenticity and corruption sneak in. First, look at those orchids. At first, I bet you thought they were real, but they’re fake. You probably didn’t even give a second thought to the stack of porn magazines in front of those flowers, because what was once taboo is now mainstream. Just sad.

Editor’s Note: You are turning into a vile by-product of society’s evils, and the only way out is to take a trip up the coast. (See pg. 11)

I know this is simply a miracle of coincidence, but when I saw the ironic placement of this book and shoelace, I couldn’t help but savor the moment. I named the shoelace Holden, after the famous protagonist of Catcher in the Rye, because unlike other shoelaces, this shoelace clearly doesn’t give in to the phonies. (Admittedly, Fifty Shades of Grey is a pretty generic work. However, the fact that this shoelace is reading at all puts it a notch above the rest, exhibiting its rebellious and unique nature.)

This shot embodies one of my favorite summer memories. Aunt Christie used to always come out to stay with us, and she would always chew on her straws as a nervous habit. Sadly, she passed away in a motorcycle accident last spring. However, I have this special shot as a memorial to her presence. Proof that the old saying, “do something unique and noticeable, and you will never be forgotten,” is so true.

Sadly, all of nature’s beauty is transient. I thought about that as I watched this ice cube melt into a festive seasonal coaster. However, maybe I can scoop up the water and refreeze it! It’d be like reincarnation. Weird.

Should man really have the power of God?

By JENNY MIDDLEBY Pretty Wealthy Mom

We’ve all been there: You’ve dreamt of building the custom home of the century, but the reality that your desk job will only afford you a tract home in the suburbs quickly sets in.

You think to yourself, “How will I ever make a way in this world if I can’t have a unique Tuscan Villa overlooking the Pacific, all my own and with every detail just to my liking?”

And then, you compromise.

And by compromise, I mean that you make that tract home look as custom as you can possibly make it, and maybe successfully fool your friends into believing it is custom by hiding the unsightly stainless steel machinery of the refrigerator beneath a sheath of richlystained wood.

That’s right, folks. I’m talking about fridge paneling. It’s the one thing we know our friends notice, hiding what we don’t want our friends to notice.

Having your refrigerator blend in with the wall is the ultimate way of saying, “I’m better than you, and so is my cooling unit and its crisper drawers.” It’s the ultimate status symbol that makes people think you’re high class, even if you’re simply an upper-middle class peasant.

But I got to thinking: If hiding your refrigerator can say so much about your status in society, what other kitchen tools can I build expensive panels for just to push my image up a couple notches above Lisa, the girl in Pilates who is always talking about her rock-hard abs and her perfect daughters? Or Jane, whose brownies suck, but who actually was able to put a Viking stove in a couple months ago, an

idea which fuels my inner flames of envy into a raging inferno of destruction?

In the end, I settled on commissioning custom cabinetry for my wooden spoon.

Just like a refrigerator, a wooden spoon is an everyday tool, and can discolor with stains and burns over time, becoming an unsightly protrusion sitting on your countertops or in your drawers. Hiding it with mahogany just makes sense if you really think about it. So I found Ted Armstrong, a storied artisanal carpenter based in Laguna Beach. He offers the perfect level of craftsmanship to complete the task, and is so expensive that I had to pull my daughter out of club volleyball in order to fund the project. This is a one-of-akind piece of art that will forever remind me of the opportunity I deprived my daughter of, and forever remind my friends how much money I blew on such a superficial item! A big pat on the back to me, from myself!

So far, I can tell that it’s turning heads. People can’t seem to take their eyes off it. And what’s more, just last week I overheard Lisa gossiping about me to Jane… it’s working! I think I started a trend, and who knows what’s next for me? A whisk? The blender? Or maybe I’ll expand to other rooms in the house! Imagine: a cherry-wood-paneled rain shower head, honed Koa wood to hide the high chair or electric baby swing, or a house sheathed completely in rare oak. The possibilities are literally endless.

The take away: you can improve anything with a little imagination and effort, some exotic wood, and a massive wad of cash. So simple, anyone could do it!

TOP TEN

Differences between Quinoa and Sex 10. Last time you had quinoa you didn’t cry 9. It’s appropriate to ask the Whole Foods employee where the quinoa is — or if they’ve had quinoa recently 8. My mom can’t force-feed me sex 7. I don’t lie awake in pain while my roommate has quinoa in the bunk above me 6. I’m saving quinoa for my wedding night 5. The patriarchal understanding of reality believes that lesbians can have quinoa 4. Sex magazines are less graphic 3. My wife didn’t have a problem when I tried a different brand of quinoa 2. According to that snooty restaurant I went to, quinoa doesn’t involve sitting on someone’s face 1. If you have quinoa with all of your in-laws, you’re not some sort of monster

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Garden Building the Perfect Garden:

Turning the Warzone into Your Zone

By MATT OLSON

Currently Undergoing Psychological Examination

orange tree every few days, just to keep her disoriented. Make sure you don’t keep an exact schedule for these types of activities, staggered and inconsistent changes will be the most effective. A fun little tip is having the bill occasionally sent to her house to introduce an element of self-doubt and keep her teetering on the brink of mental breakdown!

It finally happened.

Years of strained attempts at friendship, and now she went and built the greatest garden you’ve ever seen. Spring has begun, and your neighbor came out swinging. There’s no way you can both have dahlias, and you had them first. It’s time to take her out, florally. Here, we share some of our favorite ideas to keep neighbors in check and remind them who’s boss. Take off those kid gloves and put on your gardening gloves; it’s time to get dirty.  Construct the perfect flower bed. Use plants that have densely clustered, vibrantly colored buds and make sure to position them in a manner that is easily visible and catches the eye, even from medium and long distances. Coincidentally, the ideal distribution of seeds to make the most efficient use of water causes the flowers to spell out “fuck off.” One of nature’s great mysteries.  While plants should be the main focus of your garden, remember that there’s more you can do to make your garden really stand out! A common oversight many gardeners make is underestimating the power of a charming or unexpected feature. Normally we might say a trellis with some decorative vines, but trellises are so 2014.

Instead, try replacing your fence with

an alternative wall — perhaps a 12’ tall section of concrete modeled after those in conflict-heavy territories, a perfect symbol for your relationship with your neighbor. Most include barbed wire, perfect for anchoring vines and displaying the carcasses of gophers you’ve killed. Properly placed, your wall will cast oddly shaped shadows on your neighbor’s lawn, causing her precious “heavy sun” plants to wither and die before

Part 3 in Our DIY Spring Series How to Make Sure Your Departed Pets Push Up Prize-Winning Daises

her eyes as you carefully monitor her garden progress from the recommended guard tower attachment.  Cultivate an air of mystery. Ha, cultivate. Anyway. Replant your garden every 47 hours: your neighbor will be intimidated and won’t know how to combat your spree of aggressive planting and replanting. Hire your gardening company to trim her lawn or replace her lemon tree with an

Staff Writer

After another year of drought,

Want to hear my favorite part of last year’s Boston Floral Competition? It wasn’t winning the amateur horticulture division with my array of hibiscus and marigolds. Oh no. It wasn’t even the look on that grandchild-less bitch Aggie’s face when I walked past her with my medal and told her to turn her green thumb into a brown one.

No. My favorite part is knowing that I hold the secret to a perfect garden. It’s all in the soil, and if you let me explain, I’ll show you exactly what I mean!

Now, I did this with our old calico Bibi Netanmeow, but the same principles will work with whatever you’ve got around: a couple-days-dead parakeet, the dog your son grew up with, your unknowing husband…

I’m kidding honey (he loves it when I joke about his death).

The key to a good cat (or other deceased pet) fertilizer is the preparation. There’s a whole bunch of messy chemistry and biology for how it works — blek, am I right? — but we

can just focus on the practicality. First off is hair. Worms in the ground don’t eat it, which means it’s not useful. The first thing you’ll want to do is remove as much hair as you can off your pet. You can do it with scissors or whatever you’ve got lying around. For us it was easy, right after we offed Bibi I took my husband’s hair clippers and went to work.

In the backyard you’re going to want a nice spot to dig the hole. It should be well-watered, and see at least a couple hours of sun a day. Dig the hole deep enough to completely cover the cat, but not too deep; this isn’t like that one time in New Jersey behind the broken-down deli.

As you go to lay the cat down for the long nap, remember to set them front side up.

All the nutrients are held in the stomach, that’s where you want your plants to take root. Cover the cat in fresh soil and let it rest for a few days, watering as necessary. The stench will become almost inescapable, but wait to plant until it just begins to dissipate.

If you plan on flowers and

decorative plants, then there are no considerations to be made. Most nearly any flower will bloom from a cat if treated properly. I grew anemones from Bibi, they reminded him of his home — Pawrusalem.

However, if you’re looking to go the herb or vegetable route, then I offer a few suggestions. Last year I grew basil and rosemary out of my neighbor Aggie’s dog which was definitely dead when I got there. It gave the basil a wonderful hint of umami. Tasteful herbs such as these should be considered for, and may even be necessary in recipes such as my as my Collie-influenced RosemaryBraised Chicken.

You may also try growing roots: carrots, potatoes, and the like. If done correctly it is possible to grow the vegetable within the walls of the dead animal’s stomach for a rich and bold taste no one will forget next Thanksgiving.

There you have it — all you need is a recently deceased pet, a shovel, and some determination and you can be well on your way to having a truly fancy feast.

At this point your neighbor should be well on her way towards looking to move to a different neighborhood! Feel free to dial it back a bit to buy yourself more time to experiment and discover the methods you find most effective before she leaves. We’d love you to write us and share how your little venture went!1 Note: We really don’t care; we added this to seem endearing.

1

How to Enjoy Your Indoor Garden without the Police Finding Out

By ROBERT POND

By Julie S. Washington The Blindfolded Gardener

 Test her knowledge. Your neighbor loves to drop hints about how knowledgeable she is about gardening, so tell her she was right and send a peace offering bouquet. Get creative!

Many plants are available to buy online, including ragweed, the most allergenic plant in the United States, or zinnias, known for their appeal to bees. As you present her with it, make sure you apologize for how swollen she’s becoming, but remind her that she’s much smarter than you and she should have noticed your mistake.

Accidents happen!

California is set to further regulate water use in lawns and gardens. But what if you can’t live without petunias or your other exotic plants that may consume more water than the nasty weeds and dirt that the state regulators want to see?

The green police and neighborhood councils are looking to limit water consumption not only for those who can’t afford it, but also for the wealthy, who are well entitled to the lawns and gardens now being criminalized for consuming too much water. The only way you can still enjoy an exotic garden is to find a vacant room and move it inside.

Before moving your garden indoors, you’ll have to find some exotic plants. By using an encrypted browser, you

can find plenty of local, exotic plant dealers. You can set up a meeting to see their inventory by simply sending them a text from a disposable phone.

Don’t be surprised if you have to trek into some unsavory neighborhoods. Remember, it will all be worth it once you see that lush greenery in what was once your son’s room.

Next, make sure you insulate your indoor garden.

You don’t want the pungent aroma of your lillies and such to attract unwanted attention.

Most walls have a moderate amount of insulation, but this is often insufficient for keeping stronger, more potent odors in. The smell of exotic plants can attract attention from nosy neighborhood councils or volunteer police, who could fine you for “wasting” water and probably even confiscate your green jewels.

You will need to set up a series of fluorescent bulbs to act as sunlight. This will

lead to a natural hue that will make your flowers and shrubs grow just as if they were in the yard. Set up a watering system by tapping into your home’s water line (and maybe your neighbors’ as well!) and adding a sprinkler system. While it is a moderate investment, it’s worth it to wake up every morning in a beautiful, exotic place far from the yellow hills of Southern California. Never forget to hire contractors who will stay discreet and not tell the authorities about your secret garden. And don’t forget to manipulate your bill to avoid suspicion; offer a generous and friendly tip to the water meter checker to underreport your usage.

With all this in place you will be able to enjoy the sights and smells of an exotic garden any time, even in a drought. No one can take away petunias from a smart gardener and, by using these easy steps, you can keep your garden exotic and tropical.

We guessed Jon Hamm’s favorite sandwich in only four tries.

THEMQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge

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theMQ.org

Crossover Parties:

parties on an infinite

Friends, family, and seasonal fun. These are the things we hold dear and learn to appreciate mos summer months grow closer. Make the most of your time together by trying something new: cr two of your favorite events and one day to celebrate them on. Here’s some of Sunset’s tips for o

Sweet Sixteen/Bab

Orgy/Tapas Tasting

Put on some extra eyeliner, cause now yo

It’s time to Tapa that ass!

“Unwrap my gift next! It’s the day after pill — you still can, honey!” — Mom

Every Westerner knows tapas tasting is a trendy way to welcome the warm summer. But what else might the savory oils, bold spices, and good company of a tapas tasting call for? An orgy, of course! Assemble your closest friends, but be sure to have them arrive early for swab testing/hand stamping, and then try some signature tapenade while watching Phil urinate on Shelly.

Let the wine and other ambiguous fluids run freely.

You’ll need big dresses and big bellies for this birthday baby bash.

What could be cuter than pastels, sparkles, and an unspoken sense of disapproval?

What is Marline doing standing off to the side? Is she mistaking the baby formula for cocaine again? No, she’s gossiping about how her Sweet 16/Baby Shower is gonna be so she’s having twins. We’ll see, Marline. We’ll see.

Alpha Rager/Intervention

Fourth of July/Bo

If he’s good enough at rage cage, he won’t have to drink The West is home to some of the world’s best brews and leggiest wines. So who can blame us for having a problem with alcoholism? Some of the region’s best beer and alcoholism connoisseurs are found in college fraternities, and what better way to unite a brotherhood than combining the two? It’s time for an Alpha Rager/ Intervention. Get turnt while also getting in touch with darker issues that are driving you towards this precipice of self-destruction we just want to help you with, damn it!

If the founding fathers were alive today, t

It’s time to partake in the tastes and smo you want something a little less conventi ing is the ideal way to partake in roasted

“Marsha thi what’s your se over the ne

FOOD

ORGY/TAPAS TASTING

Just because you have small plates doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice big flavors or big schlongs. With the choice of serving them hot or cold, sweet or savory, Tapas are the perfect side-by-side dish to have with steamy, multi-labial sex. However we have a few suggestions to keep your party colorful, kosher, and consensual: set separate tables for meat and vegetarian tapas, and areas for oral sex and regular. Make sure your guests inform you of any fish or latex allergies; there’s only one kind of swelling we want here. And remember, there’s no such thing as extra virgin olive oil.

ALPHA RAGER/INTERVENTION Sure, we’ve gathered here today to confront Doug with his debilitating problem, but this doesn’t have to be a total bummer. Keep the Alpha Rho spirit brothers! We can rage and stay attuned to Doug’s troubles. Make Jello shots in the shape of diseased livers to both get hammered and remind Doug of how tangible his problem is. And at the end of the night, after Doug has been admitted into a rehabilitation program, you can challenge him to go shot-for-AA-step with you.

SWEET SIXTEE

This event only happ with her own baby fo be perfect if the food presented a recipe f fondant cake. Try tak the inside with dozen The cake cutting cer guests’ eyes as your functionally a C-secti member to have you comes to terms with w is every parent’s drea

FOURTH OF JULY/BOOK BURNING This all-American block party is about red meat and black books. We recommend our signature Declaration of Independence smoked bratwurst.

Or for a bolder, more materialistic taste you could try the Skirt Steak cooked over sizzling copies of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Remind any small children that roasting marshmallows over flaming, classical eastern literature should be strictly avoided because the poison could infect their small marshmallows and seep into their small minds. Reading is for un-American nerds, so keep this block party fully patriotic.

SUNSET w May 2015

e budget

st as the days grow longer and the rossover parties. All you need is our favorite crossover parties.

Page 7

theMQ.org

ACTIVITIES SWEET SIXTEEN/BABY SHOWER

ORGY/TAPAS TASTING •

by Shower

Try showing a porno, but switch out the audio for that of a documentary about the journey from olive to oil Play fun, sexually explicit games like “Take your tapas off,” “Get on tapas,” and “Put your penis on tapas” You could also play the tried and true “What’s in my mouth?” game

•

ou’re angsting for two!

•

ALPHA RAGER/INTERVENTION •

What’s the first step to any rager?

Getting fuckin’ hammered! Then coming together and talking about how his drinking has affected you Paddle Doug once for each of the 12 steps to recovering from addiction After most people have blacked out, Doug should go around and write his apologies to them on their bodies

• • much fun, because

• • •

“Pin the tail on the quickly departing father” is always a fun group activity Bring on the style! Stage a fashion show for maternity clothing with the world’s hottest pregnant models Choosing the baby’s godmother from her highschool clique is a surefire way to make your party memorable. Four out of five girls will be disappointed and call the birthday girl a bitch

FOURTH OF JULY/BOOK BURNING • • •

Throw copies of the Declaration of Independence into the fire to release patriotic spirit into the atmosphere A late-night screening of “Loose Change” — wake up, sheeple. Don’t forget the projector!

After dinner, have your little ones all come together and reenact the story of when Guttenberg was put in jail for blasphemy

ook Burning

they’d be burning things too

okey romance of BBQs, but what if ional? A Fourth of July book burnd foods while making your unique and often violent opinions known. Maybe have a chili cook-off, engage in some fun recipe exchanges, or set a maiden child on fire as a gift to Thomas Jefferson’s spirit. However, be sure to let your guests know that if they recite the line from “Fahrenheit 451,” they will be kicked out.

is baked potato is divine, ecret?” “Oh it was roasted ewest Salman Rushdie.”

PARTY FAVORS ORGY/TAPAS TASTING • • • • •

SWEET SIXTEEN/BABY SHOWER

A tupperware box with leftovers A smell you can’t seem to get out the carpet no matter how hard you scrub Exotic olives A home version of the “What’s in my mouth?” party game A photograph from that point in the party when you tried on fun hats for your genitals

• • • •

Condoms STD informational pamphlets Chocolate lube (cannot be used with condoms — it’s petroleum based) A designer tote bag to carry your future baby’s diapers

EN/BABY SHOWER

pens once, your baby won’t be 16 orever. And her special day won’t d at the party isn’t. Last issue we for a delightful 7-tier, blue-mint king it to the next level by filling ns of miniature marzipan babies. remony will bring a tear to your daughter demonstrates what is ion so close to her due date. Reur camera when your daughter what her future will look like. This am!

ALPHA RAGER/ INTERVENTION • • •

•

Non-alcoholic beer A shot glass for soda or water or whatever A card that says, “God granted me ‘serenity’ to accept things that I cannot change and the courage to change things that I can” with a little bag of pot A commemorative six-hour token that doubles as a bottle opener

FOURTH OF JULY/ BOOK BURNING • • • • •

Copies of “Rights of Man” Muffins, courtesy of “The Anarchist Cookbook” An armband with American flags on them, made by Hugo Boss A handful of Ronald Reaganflavored jelly beans A small lighter with a personalized quote from a Barnes & Noble classic

Page 8 w Lifestyle

SUNSET w May 2015

theMQ.org

Lifestyle A Splash of Color

Our Tips for Welcoming Non-Whites to Your Neighborhood

By GARRETT CHAN Serial Bruncher

WEST COAST LIVING — barbecues, pool parties, lazy evenings of front lawn bocce ball — would not be complete without the warm camaraderie of our neighbors. Every neighborhood changes, though, and those shifts can be overwhelming for established families of a certain pedigree. Fortunately, there’s no need to panic yet; just pour yourself an iced tea and learn to embrace another culture from the safety of your porch swing. Remember, making friends with your new neighbors is not only nice — it’s cultural capital! We really don’t know if anyone uses the phrase “street cred” anymore, but feel free to tell your friends at the country club how much of it you’ve got after following these simple tips. ●

Say hello. Or, better yet, ni hao. Apa khabar. As-salam ‘alaykum. Hujambo. Do whatever you need to let them know how accepting, welcoming, and multicultural you can be.

Bow if you have to. ¡Hola, mis nuevos vecinos!

●

Now teach them to say hello. It’s just two syllables! What could be easier? Soon, they might even learn to say, “Thanks for the quick English lesson!”

●

●

Give a small gift, such as a potted succulent or a selection of charcuterie.

Patio xeriscaping is both water-wise and low maintenance, perfect for the newly middleclass family that’s probably still adjusting to the pace of life in the suburbs. And who doesn’t love prosciutto?

Or a quiche, which combines two of Sunset’s favorites: tarts and brunch. Everyone’s known the chagrin of mistaking a quinceanera for a quince-pickling party, a faux pas you can easily remedy with a few of our south-of-the-border inspired kale con queso mini-quiches. Mistaking your neighbor’s teenage son for your weed dealer may require a full-sized quiche.

●

Point out how diverse your neighborhood is becoming. It never hurts to let the Salvadoran family that moved in know that there’s a Honduran family just two blocks away, and that they should get to talking with each other, pronto. Feel free to share that copy of “Cook’s Illustrated” you’ve been saving with the foolproof pupusa recipe — it’s a surefire way to turn your next party into — dare we say it? — a block fiesta.

Trade places. If the Gonzalezes and the Nguyens are successful enough to pay a higher level of property taxes, why not move into their old neighborhoods in the city? It’s the perfect opportunity to try patio gardening or riding the bus. Don’t forget to check out our urban decor guide when you buy your first condo. Heck, buy the whole walk-up if you really want to — your neighbors will be grateful for a reason to move.

●

Be honest. Sometimes, it’s just better to do things the old-fashioned way and let your new neighbor know that you don’t like them, for whatever reason. Go up to their door, knock, and just let them know what’s on your mind. If you’re at a loss for words, we suggest starting with: “It’s not you, I like you. Your people, on the other hand…” That way, you won’t even have to make them an apology rhubarb crumble if you don’t want to.

●

●

There’s nothing a good rhubarb and boysenberry crumble can’t patch over.

Not that you’ll need to patch over anything, ‘cause this guide’s got you covered. For our rhubarb and boysenberry crumble recipe, visit sunset.com/food-wine. (Content limited to premium subscribers.)

8 DIY Outdoor Projects to Reclaim the Patriarchal Masculine Identity Your Wife Has Stolen

11 Best Places

to

Expose Yourself in the

3

Wes t

By SAM SCHLOSSBERG Staff Writer

We have all been there— you get married expecting to run a household the same way men in your family have for generations, at least until your father defied the trend and left when you were just 14 years old. Well, sometimes the economy collapses and your company downscales, so you decide to try something other than working at the construction site where you have toiled for seventeen years. Below are seven of my favorite DIY projects that will turn your home back into a shrine to you, the man of the house, as it should be.

Whether you’re looking for an ideal honeymoon location, a quiet place to find yourself, or somewhere to stick it to nature, here are our favorite places to let it all hang out.

1 IN A CAVE WHILE SPELUNKING

2 HALF MOON BAY FREEWAY VISTA POINT

3 HOLTVILLE CA’s ANNUAL CARROT FEST

4 BLOOMINGDALE’S SOUTH COAST PLAZA

5 WHILE PARASAILING

6 A SALOON

7

1.

Build a treehouse for your sons. Not only will the project allow you to teach them how to use unsafe power tools, but the finished product will give your sons and their friends a place to do manly things away from your wife’s prying eyes. Install a custom sound system for the treehouse so that your sons can listen to the good music of your youth like AC/DC and the Rolling Stones, instead of your wife’s classical music that she plays in the house because “it’s calming.”

2.

Repaint the outside of the house. Replace the current soft, off-white color with something more manly such as “Grizzly Bear Brown,” “Well-Done Steak,” or “Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey.”

3.

Build your sons a batting cage in the backyard. It will give them a chance to get away from their over-protective mother who says that academics come first. It will also keep your sons away from other contact sports like wrestling and football that will turn them gay.

4.

Improve that old 1979 Porsche 928 you’ve had since college by putting in that ignition system and new engine you have been wanting. Add spoilers in the rear for that classic 1980s look. Make sure that you announce every step of progress to any passersby.

5.

Scatter your tools and machines in the small patch of land in the front yard where your wife has been telling you for years to build a gardening bed. Ignore that she wants to build a vegetable garden so that the family can “go organic” and “lose those extra pounds from years of eating chips in front of the TV.”

6.

For all those days when you can’t be bothered to be with your failure offspring, a well-built machine that sits in a rocking chair on the front porch and holds a newspaper is a nice substitute. For added accuracy, the machine can be programmed to grumble phrases like, “I knew I should have sold my stock in lumber last month, it’s down 14 points” and “I don’t know who Hillary Clinton thinks she is running for president, women are too emotional to run more than a dinner party.”

7.

At this point, your wife will likely ban you from the front yard. While she is at work at the NAVY base down south, move the couch from the attic out to the old shed.

While carrying the couch, reminisce about your father’s days when the man of the house could sit on the couch all day and order his wife to make a steak dinner without being forced to eat vegetables too.

SAN QUENTIN PENITENTIARY

8 YOUR LOCAL PETTING ZOO

9 MADAME TUSSAUD'S WAX MUSEUM

10 ST. HELENA VINEYARD PARKING LOT

11 THE SEATTLE SPACE NEEDLE

8. Fill the shed with all the things your wife won’t let you have in the house, like a squat rack, dead animal trophies, and a Scotch cabinet. When your wife tells you to keep the alcohol locked up, remind her that you did shots of your father’s tequila as a teenager and you turned out just fine.

THEMQ

facebook.com/ucsdmq

SUNSET w May 2015

Lifestyle w Page 9

theMQ.org

A WASP Family’s Journey to Accept Their Visibly Emotional Child

Sunset’s Hot Food Spot of the Month

By SUZANNE FAIRCHILD Yes — those Fairchilds

I’ll say it, my child shows emotion. Publically.

By BARAK TZORI Carpet-to-Drape Matcher

JUST OFF THE NORTHBOUND I-280,

minutes before midtown Palo Alto, I’ve found the perfect weekday getaway from the humdrum of the South Bay startup lifestyle.

Imagine this: it’s not even 11 in the morning when this week’s democratically elected boss asks you to come in to work.

As you drive, and contemplate your breakfast options for the day, you see the line for Philz extending down two blocks (and scoff at yourself for ever having thought that place was new and hip once). Sure you could drive onto your company’s recently redesigned 2.2 acre “campus,” but what’s there to eat apart from three gourmet food trucks and whatever the HR lady is constantly making in the company kitchen. If you’ll take just a short trip down Quality Lane with me, I’ll show you a place that’ll have you redefining the term “breakfast nook.”

I’m talking of course about the world’s first and only Bed or Breakfast, Sweet & Savory Dreams.

The moment you walk in, the establishment’s founder and owner, Joseph Tucci, confronts you with a warm smile and the hardest question you’ll face all day, “Are you here for breakfast, or would you like to buy a mattress?” (Believe me, it’s hard to go wrong with either).

The business model here is simple — flip the bed and breakfast industry on its head. And oh does S&SD do just that!

The first time I was introduced to this place I sat at the bar and had some of the best diner food I’ve had in years. The corned beef hash was tender yet crispy, and the eggs were cooked to perfection.

“The secret is how we treat our chefs,” owner Tucci commented in an interview later. “Every cooking station is not only fitted

America’s Favorite Fountain Drinks

NO AMERICA IS COMPLETE WITHOUT ITS PLETHORA OF FOUNTAIN DRINKS — or so it seems, after working my bladder through the tastes and bubbles of the nation’s signature offerings.

Any road trip to any picturesque destination has at least one exciting stop at an arbitrary fast food chain, so why not improve that dining experience even more by picking the tastiest drink? This question has made the past week a pretty hectic time for us here at the office, as my team and I drank, judged, and rated countless drinks until we whittled it down to the final four. Let’s take a look at our scoring criteria:

with the industry’s finest ovens and stoves, but the break rooms are lined with our best-selling Sleep Number c2 queen mattresses.

This allows for maximum relaxation during the job, creating an atmosphere of almost no stress, and that’s where those softer-thana-hand-stuffed-down-pillow biscuits that you love come from.”

After a slice of lemon meringue pie that left my mouth thinking it’s too good for any other foods, I followed the scent of freshly stitched bedding to the opposite section of S&SD, which contained an impressive array of mattresses. It was no surprise to see the big names you’d expect at a place like this; you had your Sertas and your Tempurpedics, but also some classic vintage names like Hampton & Rhodes and Sterns & Foster. Plus next to every mattress was a specially made, unique nightstand.

“This is something of my own invention,” Tucci could not hide his excitement at speaking about the nightstands garnished with common bedside objects. “They highlight what books or diaries or lighting best characterize the mattress.”

At the end of the whole excursion (which ended up closing in on two hours; not bad for a breakfast!), I ended up taking home a lovely twin sized Sealy for my cousin whose birthday is coming up. As the nightstand indicated, this mattress works best with a pale, sodium light, along with an only-twice-used dream journal and a first edition of “Where the Wild Things Are,” signed with Maurice Sendak’s blood postmortem.

When the delivery men brought the mattress the following week, they gave me one free drink coupon as well as a flyer for half off an order of country fried steak, saying they hope I’ll come back soon. I certainly plan on doing so!

I used to think that nothing beats Coke, until I drank three liters of it over the course of four days for the sake of this bracket.

8A hint of caramel, a splash of vanilla, and the teeth melting flavoring of cola.

8However ubiquitous you imagine Coca-Cola to be, it’s not. A major strike against its widespread reach is the oft-proposed alternative, Pepsi, which replaces it in many a fountain dispenser.

8The color is standard but aesthetically pleasing in this classic drink, as it always has been. Don’t ask what they put in it to make the color look as it does.

8Drinking massive amounts of Coke leads to a weird addiction that is really quite difficult to shake. Trust me.

t

{t} | 45

In front of all the world to see. It’s been a long, hard road, but we’ve managed to come to tolerate him as much as our other children.

And I believe you can, too.

I normally wouldn’t do anything so dramatic as to actually write, acknowledge, or think much about how I feel — like a Pole, or something — but this is a journey that many of my community has had to experience.

I mean, the Dellionaries and the Google-Kings and other new rich may not care about something as important as their child’s propriety, but the truly cultured do, and it can be hard when one has a child who doesn’t “fit.”

I remember when I first grew worried. Our Phillip was five, old enough to know where emotions should live: deep, deep, deep down inside where no light can ever get to them. And yet, one day as he was riding his Theopold — his pony we had put down once Philip was old enough for a real horse — daintily across the field. Suddenly, he nudged it with his feet, sending Theopold off at a cantor!

I turned to regale the situation with an air of dismay and worry for his safety by subtly lifting my eyebrows, when I saw him laugh! It was all I could do to keep myself from feeling disgusted, and instead just thought about how little I enjoyed the sex that made him.

I thought it might stop there, but oh no. In spite of the best parenting on offer in this world — a man and wife in a loveless marriage barely acknowledging their child — there we were at Phillip’s grandmother’s funeral. Or my mother, however you want to refer to the woman.

I was there, grieving in the proper way by swallowing back any emotional response that could not be described as ‘haughty’ and repeatedly

checking my watch, when Philip walked up to the casket. Right there, in front of everyone, he reached in, grabbed her hand, and said “I’ll miss you, nan.” Then he had the audacity to sniff back tears, like we were… we were… Latin, or something.

The floodgates opened then. First, he gave a girl in his class a flower, with who knows what sexual perversion behind the gesture. Then, we got a note from his prep, letting us know that he told another student in his class that he was tired, and yawned, like that wasn’t wearing weakness on his sleeve. What if the commoners had heard a WASP say something like that? What if the Irish had?

Eventually, we sat him down to talk, and by that I mean we glowered at him for over an hour in silence.

“Mom, Dad, you have to accept that I feel things. That I show the things I feel. I’m not like you, I can’t sit motionless for hours, being mistaken for statues by tourists from overseas. I want to dance and laugh and play, and I can’t change that.” It took a long series of talks between his father and I, more than just the passing glances we usually communicate with. But eventually, I realized something.

I realized life is about more than just appearances, about more than just what is “proper”. Life is about money. So if you’re out there, worrying, relax. Not so much that you betray the status of your birth, of course, but cancel the skiing trip to the alps you planned in order to set your child up for an “accident” and accept that a tear here, a smile there, a laugh here isn’t enough to undo the Rolex on their wrist or the million-dollar microchip we have implanted in their brains.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t actually find any places that had Sierra Mist for the final tasting, so it gets a zero. Where in hell did we get it for the previous rounds?

t

{a} | 7

{total} | 0

{s} | 10 {p} | 5

{total} | 67 Coke Water

VS.

Sierra Mist Ice

How good does the drink

How widely available is the drink? [15 pts.]

Is it appealing to look at

{t} Taste

{a}

Availability

{p}

before drinking it? [15 pts.]

Presentation

What else does the drink

{s}

have that might give it an edge (or not)? [20 pts.]

Side Effects

t

category. [50 pts.]

t

taste? A pretty obvious

Usually under Minute Maid, this underdog competitor opts for the incredibly unconventional approach of a lack of carbonation.

8Tastes like literally nothing, and my logic dictates {t} | 0 that a taste of zero equates to a score of zero.

8Mandated by law that water be served everywhere at no cost {a} | 15 8No other drink that we considered exists is such a pleasingly transparent state as water does. {p} | 15 8Water is entirely healthy for you. In fact, humans can’t live without drinking it. Full marks. {s} |20

{total} | 50

What’s cooler than cool? Ice cold, or so the saying goes. But can ice take the crown of the best fountain drink in America?

8Unparalleled in its unique taste; ice is solid, so you can chew, bite, crack, and just have fun with the solid blocks. Who knew?

8There’s ice where there’s water, and there’s water everywhere.

8For the same reasons as water, but solid. Ice takes it all here.

8What does ice do to you besides give you the great feeling of being born anew? I don’t really care, as long as it holds me in its freezingly refreshing embrace.

{t} | 48 {a} | 15 {p} | 15 {s} | 20

{total} | 98 So the next time you stop by a McDonald’s for some midday grub on the way to a temporary paradise, consider a marvelous paper cup of ice.

I’m sure some statistics will show that, after all, it is the most commonly poured fountain drink in America.

Winner: Ice

Page 10 w Food & Travel

SUNSET w May 2015

theMQ.org

Food & Travel

Sunset Cooking:

Finally! A Way to Use all those Beets We Made You Buy Last Issue

Grandmom’s Classic Avant Garde Simple to-Die-for Melt in Your Mouth Delight

SO YUMMY!

By ADOLFO BARRERA Chef-on-Fire

By COLE STEFFENSEN Office Bicycle

LAST ISSUE, we ran a spread on the health benefits of nature’s most forgotten vegetable — the beet, and

boy did you guys listen. Almost a little too well, really. After the spread, we got a lot of letters and emails, which, to be fair, were for the most part friendly and not at all threatening, about how you’d gone out and bought as many beets as you could carry and now you didn’t know what to do with them! Once again, not pointing fingers here, but it doesn’t really seem like our fault that you went out and bought six crates of beets without having a good idea of how long they’d last and how much most recipes actually called for.

In any case, here are some things to make to help you start making a dent in your beet surplus!

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Roasted Beets: Yep, turns out that you can just roast them! Just cut them up into medium-sized chunks, spread some olive oil on them, and toss them in the oven! Serve them with other vegetables, or just eat them by themselves. If you have a surplus, this might be a good way to get through a lot of them, just throwing that out there.

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Beet Dye: First, boil chopped beets until the liquid is nice and dark, then let your yarn or other fabric simmer in the pot for an hour or so. Beets have a gorgeous color! Also, apparently a pretty pungent smell when they’ve been sitting in your house for a month. How many beets should you use? A lot, probably.

See? Using a lot of beets is easy! There’s really no reason to overreact if you have more beets than you’re used to. And, while we’re on the subject of having different amounts of

things than usual, has anyone seen my dog? I’m not saying any of our readers took him, it’s just that my kids really miss him and I’d like to know if he’s safe.

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Pickled Beets: Let’s say, for example, you bought a lot of beets. Maybe even too many. At some point, perhaps right about now, all those beets you have will be going bad, so soaking them in brine is a great way to extend the time you have with them so we can come up with more options.

Please, I just need a little more time.

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Beet Dolls? OK, hear me out, people carve faces and stuff into apples, right? Maybe beets are good practice for whittling? Put it on the head of a doll. Maybe I could use one to calm my daughter who won’t stop crying about our dog.

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Beet Ice Cream: Last month, we planned to have this whole great spread on the most scenic wineries in Napa. It was going to be great. Full photo spread; I was going to take my wife, but then the plane got delayed and we were missing deadlines, so we went with beets. Life happens, right?

There’s no reason to mail me pictures of my own children going to and from school over a little content mishap.

Look, I know full well that none of you are going to make beet ice cream. I tried it myself and it’s disgusting. I know beets aren’t all we made them cracked up to be, but they’re OK in salads. Really, try it. And have you ever pickled anything before? That could be fun, right? Whoever you are, please bring my dog back. There’s no reason an innocent dog has to die because of one little mistake.

Penny-Farthing across the Sierras: A Story of Triumph and Large Bicycles

By TREVOR MALONE Crop Top Artisan

I began in Placerville, California on a bright August day. The

temperature was hot with a crisp breeze providing all the comfort I needed. My goal was to penny-farth across the Sierras to the scenic Reno, Nevada to meet my best gal pals for a weekend of gambling and foot tall frozen mango daiquiris.

Reno itself is a little... grunge-y for my tastes but they enjoy it.

In my vintage Eddie Bauer leather knapsack I had all the essentials for my trip: artisan chevre, a nice cappocola I cured at my home in Mill Valley two weeks ago, an assortment of Kalamata olives (pitted, as I am not a barbarian), a self-filtering 20 oz. water bottle, and my vegan sunscreen. Needless to say, I felt completely prepared.

I was advised to bring a sleeping bag; however, I truly believed it would dampen the majestic experience. I began my journey along the trails, enjoying the mountain air, the beautiful red-wood manzanita bushes, and the occasional jackrabbit that passed along the road. Following my first break 45 minutes onto the trail, my first tribulation approached. As I was drinking 4 oz. of my water so that I would have enough for the rest of the trip, a raccoon came and stole my knapsack of food. Its mouth seemed to be foaming so I assumed it was hungrier than I was, and gave it the food. I decided I could use the skills I learned from an urban

NOTE: This recipe was designed to be followed to the letter. Any substitutions or skipped steps will result in an inferior meal.

You may note that all fresh ingredients are organic. We only ever use organic foods in our recipes, and a store-bought substitute would be sub-par and an insult to the recipe. Of course, it’s always your choice at home.

A lot of these ingredients, such as the truffle oil and the quinoa, we incorporated because they were just lying around waiting to be used since we work from a million-dollar kitchen.

Boil four quarts of water, setting the stove to medium heat so that the water molecules can adjust to the warmth.

Mince the garlic, halve the onion and red pepper, and combine a teaspoon of each with an eighth-teaspoon each of cayenne pepper, paprika, cumin, salt, and pepper. Toss with one tablespoon truffle oil in a wooden mixing bowl.

Then, for optimal flavor, pour in a stainless steel mixing bowl and cover.

With a new knife, dice the celery, kale, carrots, asparagus, beets, and remaining half of the onion. Keep each of these separate, and once all are chopped, add them as one to the boiling water. Turn the stove to high for 30 seconds, then off for a minute. Then return to medium heat and stir constantly as you follow the rest of the steps.

In a small pan, heat 2 tablespoons of the extra extra virgin olive oil. Once it reaches 372.1 degrees Fahrenheit, put in the defrosted chicken

breast. Turn once to sear both sides, then remove immediately. Sprinkle the spice mix over the chicken breast and broil in oven over aluminum foil.

While chicken is cooking, heat up a large cast iron pan.

The flavor the pan adds will be optimal if you have recently made our Grilled Buttermilk Arugula Brownies (p. 24), but the left-over flavor from our Pound Cake Tamales (p. 18) will also suffice.

At this point, you might start to sense a slight burning smell.

That is the broiling chicken; if you opened the oven right now it might set off your smoke alarm, so leave it be. The smell of spiced smoke in your kitchen is essential to the integrity of the flavor of the finished product.

The boiling vegetables should now be tender. Add to them the Stelline pasta and a dash of salt and turn heat to low. Remove the corn from the oven and add to the vegetable mixture. Continue stirring intermittently, about once every other half-minute.

Other methods of stirring may be used, at the risk of the pasta completely disintegrating or just tasting awful.

In the cast iron pan, heat 1/3 cup white wine until hot.

Add to it the grated orange peel and 1/2 cup quinoa. Continue heating until white wine is evaporated and quinoa starts to brown. Immediately throw into vegetable mixture, along with strained chicken stock.

Relocate the entire mixture to a crock pot and heat on medium for 8-10 hours, minimum.

Serve over a bed of lima beans, and grate the Caciocavallo Podolico cheese over as a garnish.

SERVES: 1

TOP TEN

Ways to Repurpose Your Asbestos

foraging class for future meals along the trail.

After this ordeal was completed, I continued penny-farthing up the dirt trails, ever closer to my goal of Reno. About two hours after my “raccoon caper” I needed to take another break from the Sierra sun, which had become extremely harsh.

Given how large my bike was, I placed it against a wild sage brush, hoping it would provide some much needed shade. After taking a short, 30-minute nap under this shade structure, I awoke to a harsh sunburn, with only the patterns of the wheel spokes on my skin being unharmed by the powerful rays. I decid-

ed to continue my journey, as I was close to the Donner Trail rest stop, where surely another kind traveler would help me.

My hunger had grown after another hour on the trail, along with the pain from the bike-shaped sunburn, so I decided to try some of my foraging skills. Let me tell you, the saying “leaves of three; let it be” for poison oak does not refer to “being” inside ones stomach like I had thought.

After violently gagging for 30 minutes, I decided to resort to the only viable food source I managed to successfully find and began to ingest my own left arm thanks to a vintage Swiss Army knife.

The first few fingers were fairly painful to remove however once the adrenaline kicked in it was smooth and tasty sailing from there. After getting to the elbow I had decided to save the remainder of my arm for the rest of the Donner trail, but while walking into the bathroom at the Donner party rest stop and memorial, I collapsed from rapid blood loss and was escorted to Sacramento General Hospital.

My six-hour journey across the Sierras hadn’t ended how I had envisioned but I certainly have expanded my world view while connecting with Mother Nature, who is indeed a cruel bitch.

10. DIY neck pillow for the car 9. Low-calorie sweetener 8. A post-apocalyptic chic lawn terrain — never mow again 7. Fill a throw pillow, then use it to smother your significant other 6. Pad your child’s crib with it 5. Use it as a decoration for your vintage office party 4. Your child’s fourth grade mission report model 3. Strengthen, insulate the walls of your lungs 2. A way to get more subjects for your cancer study 1. Keep it around to make “I’m trying asbestos-I-can” jokes

SUNSET w May 2015

Food & Travel w Page 11

theMQ.org

My Road to Enlightenment

Thinking Out Loud:

Imagine How Our Dinner Parties Would Be Different If the “t” in “Merlot” Wasn’t Silent

By TRACY MARQUIS

Connoiseur of Wine and Entertainment

So I was thinking the other day, and a thought crossed

By TARA ESCHELOW Spiritual Genius

I STEPPED OUT OF MY CAR ONTO THE HOT GRAVEL, the sun

sharply pricking my skin through my gauzy peasant blouse, just like the memories of the past week currently stabbing my soul. A dusty fruit stand stood totally alone in a romantic kind of solitude, the only thing around, just the two of us in this dry, sad land.

I saw myself in it — beautiful, like nothing else around it, and untouched by the corruption of the modern world. Wearily, I squinted up into the sun as I passed the parked cars, vending machines, and picnic tables of chattering families.

I’d ended up here in an act of desperation after quitting my job at a boutique in downtown Coronado. Though I’d acted normal for the past week, inside I was filled with a deep despair. Nobody understood how fast our aged driftwood coasters were becoming passé. Wisdom has its price, and mine was loneliness amongst people who could never be my intellectual peers.

I hired my gardener to go to the boutique after-hours and smash the merchandise, hoping to force an order of new products, but apparently she couldn’t break the window and the concrete-and-metal exterior was fireproof. A road trip, where I could wander the land with my troubles and

seek temporary comfort in the wilderness and strangers’ legs, seemed like the only solution.

As I paid for a basket of strawberries, pondering my past and distracted by my poetic melancholy, the cashier spoke to me.

“We don’t have change for a fifty, do you have a twenty?” he asked, refusing my cash.

A seemingly simple question, but as I heard what he was telling me, I realized that I had finally found a shriveled up, old, wise person to tell me what my life’s destiny was.

This salt of the earth, shaman of the strawberry fields had finally given me the answer.

He spoke of change. I needed a change, or nothing would ever get better. I knew what I

had to do — I had to start over, and let go of everything in my life that distracted me from concentrating on happiness.

Finally, I was truly listening to the world around me.

I took the strawberries from his hands with some effort.

Turning away, I silently sprinkled the strawberries and my money into the breeze: an offering to the greater powers who had led me to this fruit stand.

This stand of understanding.

As I drove down an unmarked road, letting his distant shouts wash over me, I tossed all of my snacks, my cell phone, my GPS, my extra clothes, my books, and my AAA card out my window.

All I needed to focus on now was me and my journey — no more distractions.

Kashi Reveals First Edible Product

By ROBERT POND Staff Writer

Kashi’s reputation as a health food leader has made it a staple in many pantries, but with the launching in May of their Kashi Deluxe line it will be taking a new path, focusing for the first time on taste rather than “healthiness.”

“We are very proud to launch the Kashi Deluxe line,” said PR representative Henry Greene. “This will be our first line of products that don’t use re-purposed FedEx boxes as the primary ingredient. We’re really excited to see how people like it.”

The products are a change for Kashi, which for over 30 years has focused solely on making low-calorie alternatives to food. They were previously known for using “ingredient-like” products and “I-don’t-know-maybetree-nuts” in their products, which managed to both keep calories down while being rich in the various vitamins found in wood chips.

The La Jolla based Kashi has found a place in the market as a health-conscious, low-calorie alternative to actual food. With health food alternatives to snack bars, cookies, cereals, and pizzas, the company is branching out even further into the world of food.

Instead of using chocolate deemed “not real chocolate” by Target’s store brand cookie division, the Deluxe line will only use “authentic” chocolate. Deluxe items will also not continue the use of wood glue to hold the bars together.

The new bars will be full of real nuts, peanut butter, and chocolate according to Greene. “We tried to include

my mind. And the thought was “What if we said merlot like ‘harlot’ instead of ‘merlow’?”

It is a profound idea, really.

To pronounce the “t” in a word that traditionally has a silent “t,” and especially when it’s a fancy word that a lot of people will end up saying at any good dinner party because merlot is one of the world’s best and most prominent wines and any good dinner party will surely end up serving merlot, so lots of people will say it.

Anyways, I got to thinking about the ramifications of such a change. It would cause a ripple effect of change. Dinner parties around the world would forever be changed.

Let’s take this example: Tommy comes over with his partner of ten years, Jake. They love merlot. All these years, Tommy has said it like “merlow.” But now, when he asks the bartender at a good dinner party for merlot, he will have to say, “Hi bartender.

Did you notice the floor-toceiling pocket doors with prime whitewater and Catalina views?

Wow. Can I please have two merlots, pronounced like “harlot” with the ‘t’ ever-resonating, for me and Jake?” Just think of how much longer that would take with such a change.

Here’s another hypothetical situation: It’s Stephanie’s 30th birthday bash and, as a true, high-class Californian, her dinner party is going to be a good dinner party, and will for sure serve merlot. Lots of guests are laughing, drinking, and listening to music as the turquoise waves crash on the sandstone below. This dinner party is going extremely well, and Stephanie feels like she is definitely getting an A on this dinner party. It’s really swell because everybody thinks that

the bacon-wrapped dates are homemade, but they aren’t, because Sandra Lee told us not to. Just as the mini skewers of melon and prosciutto pass by, Bill, who is literally always drunk at these things, trips on the rug and spills his glass of merlot all over Stephanie’s white cocktail dress with lace applique. A gasp is heard throughout the crowd; the string quartet abruptly stops their rendition of Vivaldi’s “Summer,” dramatically transitioning to hell music and chanting, “He spilled the merloT, oh no! He spilled the merloT, oh God!” Stephanie’s grade on this dinner party plummets to a B-, at best. And she knows it and feels the humiliation of a thousand years weighing down on her. Well, normally, Stephanie would scream, “What the hell, dude, you spilled your merlot (merlow) on me!” But in this imaginary world, she would have to scream, “What the hell, dude, you spilled your merlot (merlot) on me!” So weird.

Well, that’s pretty wild. Crazy to think how a difference of one letter could transform the course of soirees everywhere.

It we had to pronounce that singular “t” in merlot, it would be the “t” heard ‘round the world!

Therefore, I argue that we keep merlot “merlow” and harlot “harlot.” Rise, friends, and help to keep the pronunciation of our wines stable, or else fear dire consequences.

TOP TEN

Things Your Maid Steals from You

all the ingredients necessary to make something edible, and I think we did it.”

Many of the same flavors will appear in the Deluxe line, but according to a Kashi press release “will use a completely different recipe from the other products.” There is still a peanut butter bar, but the bar will use real peanut butter instead of peanutbased solids.

Their classic snack bars which are described as “healthy tasting” and “lowcalorie” by consumers will still continue, but for those customers looking for something different Greene says they should give the Deluxe line a try.

“We have a plan to launch a line of crackers that use

wheat and cookies that use flour and don’t include ingredients such as flax and dried berry type things,” Greene said. “Our bakers are still trying to find ways to utilize these ingredients, but we know within the next few months we’ll have some good things out of our cookies and crackers division.”

Currently Kashi has job listings on many major websites looking for “bakers and chefs who know how to cook using conventional ingredients to make palatable food.” The ad, which asks for bakers with experience using flour, sugar, and eggs, was posted earlier this week.

“The process is taking place, but we’re not ready to hire anyone just yet. We like our

current team and want to see what they develop first,” Greene said.

No new products are planned in the cereal division, whose products have been described as “having a strong, recycled Cheerios taste.”

Consumer reactions to the products has been lukewarm, with many consumers complaining they eat Kashi to get away from the flavors this bar contains and that the new product isn’t as high in fiber.

“It’s so high in calories. I can’t imagine eating this every day,” said loyal Kashi consumer Doris Lee. “I think I’ll stick to my classic products.”

10. Extra hits. “It’s puff, puff, pass, Marsha” 9. My trash every Thursday morning, some time between 6:30 and 7:00 8. “Brandon, Sylvia stole my jeans.” “Mom, she did not steal your jeans” 7. My child’s proud white heritage. Stop teaching him Spanish, Yasmine 6. The simple joy of relishing my life of wealth without thinking about those in the lower class 5. Our silverware. All of our goddamn silverware. She took... oh, sorry I just checked our dishwasher — it’s all here. That one’s on me 4. My Maybelline cosmetics. She definitely wasn’t born with it 3. Her own self-determination with all of that racial bias and human rights violations nonsense she keeps talking about 2. Third base. Also, it turns out she’s really good at softball 1. My sense of purpose. I thought hiring a maid instead of taking care of this house would free up my time, but I now realize I have no other way of defining myself

NOTABLE ALTERNATIVE CRUISES

After the humdrum monotony of taking your family on that one Hawaiian cruise over and over again, it’s nice to get away from paradise and experience some new, experimental boat outings.

Here are some severely underrated, alternative cruises to spice up your vacation, and give you the getaway you need.

TWITCH PLAYS CRUISE ORIGINALLY TITLED AsdfnoaiaksmnVAFvdgws BY ITS FIRST-TIME ATTENDERS, Twitch Plays Cruise allows all of its users to send control commands to the ship at once, creating a ship by and for the passengers. If you want even more say in the route of the ship than the guy next door, be sure to upgrade to our premium package that includes a bot to spam the server with a thousand commands at once.

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FEATURES

This cruise includes an overload of teambuilding activities, including obstacle courses where all passengers must work together to guide the ship through a series of buoys, life boats, and jagged rocks. The cruise finale consists of a whaling outing and features special commands, such as “Harpoon” and “Call me Ishmael.”

TESTIMONIALS FROM OUR EMPOWERED PAST PASSENGERS “Up down down left right a b b a down double down up right sideways more left a little more left RIGHT a a lect b start down down down down aaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

left left seleft

FEATURES The Ted Cruz Cruise includes biweekly TedTalks, brought to you

by Ted Cruz’s campaign manager; a day trip to the Independent Republic of Texas; a political puppet show hosted by the Koch Brothers, and much more!

TED CRUZ CRUISE

C O M M E N T S F R O M E S T E E M E D G U E S T S “Vote for Ted Cruz!”

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“I don’t know what that ‘Prop 8’ they were talking about is, but the Baked Alaska was pretty decent.”

Traverse the temperate Cayman Islands, with several stopovers at large banking locations in this stylish cruise. Sponsored by NASA as an attempt to more efficiently utilize funds, the Ted Cruz cruise is also expanding to include routes that go straight through the South Pole for a more direct trip.

“I heard what he said at that ‘private dinner.’ Don’t you think that I’m not going straight to MSNBC with that shit.”

FEATURES The BPOSC is well built, with state of the art equipment to guarantee a pleasurable experience.

Complete with pipeline slides lubricated with oil, deep sea diving games where you try to plug an oil leak, and crude oil tasting, BP has you covered for all of your possible entertainment needs.

CUSTOMER REVIEWS “I really liked the penguin cleaning workshop. You got to pick your own penguin to dunk in oil, and then wash them with amazing Dawn products. Great photo op and an opportunity for altruism!”

BP OIL SPILL CRUISE

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This adventurous cruise has no rigid itinerary, but instead sets its course by dumping an oil drum into the Gulf of Mexico before departure, and letting the flow of the black pool of liquid gold guide it. The BP Oil Spill Cruise is perfect for fuel enthusiasts and free spirits alike.

“I admit no wrongdoing.”

FEATURES Special events on this cruise include the “Heart of Darkness” tribute excursion and a special “conquer your state room challenge,” where every white male over the age of 30 can switch rooms by reclaiming one of their choice. This year’s cruise will also feature Wednesday night cuisine sessions with copious “ethnic” recipes to try out.

MEMORABLE EXPERIENCES “I didn’t expect much going into it, but I came out with so much more than I deserved to leave with.”

“It was when he stared at me blankly after I asked him to recite John 3:16 that I realized we really need to reform these villagers.”

IMPERIALISM CRUISE

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This vast cruise meanders along southeast Asia and Africa, allowing you the unique experience of claiming various territories along the way. The Imperial Cruise allows for authentic interactions with poor native villages, while still supplying reliable high-speed wifi to ensure you can still keep track of your multi-billion dollar stock portfolio.

“These are a few of my favorite pills …

And then I don’t feel so bad.”

Pfizer’s

Pill of the

Month Club Talk to your doctor about a 3-, 6-, or 12-month subscription to lowered blood pressure, higher concentration, and loathing detachment. Choose from many available packages including the Experimental-Pill package and the Not-FDA-Approved package.

Warning: Pills may include something you’re allergic to, but come on, live a little.