THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.” — Cecile Richards President of Planned Parenthood
Used to insulate Sixth College’s dorms for three years running.
September 22, 2015
Freshman Excited to Finally Take Part in Political Process
BY BRANDON EHLERT
L
Distribution Captain
ast Thursday, during a meet-and-greet pizza party for Intervarsity Ministry, freshman Matthew Gracieux revealed to a group of acquaintances that he is “ecstatic” to finally be able to vote and participate in the upcoming election. He reinforced that he has waited his entire life to perform this civic duty, and feels “more American than ever” with this new responsibility. “I don’t know about you guys, but this is something I have been dreaming about for at least my entire childhood,” said Gracieux to his friends, adjusting his name tag, which had bent in the crease of his shirt so as to make his name illegible. “First we had Bush, then Obama, and now, we get to decide who the next leader of this fine country will be. Our influential votes could potentially sway the course of this nation. Anyone want more pepperoni?” The group was interrupted mid-discourse for the spaghetti-marshmallow engineering competition, and subsequently to hear the message for that night’s introductory meeting. However, Gracieux’s dialogue
IN THIS ISSUE TRUMP GIVES SURREALIST SPEECH
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CHARGERS FIND FAN IN LOS ANGELES
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GOSSIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UCSD ENQUIRER
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HUNGARY-SERBIA BORDER MISPLACED
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GOD RELEASES JUDAISM 2.0
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NEWS IN BRIEF FACEBOOK’S DISLIKE BUTTON TO MAKE CYBERBULLYING EASIER THAN EVER PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR
“If I win ‘Chopped,’ the first thing I’m going to do is call my bud, Netanyahu,” Carly Fiorina explained on the latest episode. “He will never believe the secret ingredient was fermented garlic.” continued after the meeting, when he approached a new congregation of potential listeners, this time with the intention of “discussing the issues.”
“Have you guys seen the recent news on our borders? Completely surreal. Finally, someone is smart enough to actually put in a door so that
people can get in,” railed Gracieux. When asked about his
See FRESHMAN, page 2
Climate Change Won’t Heat Up Love Lives, Scientists Warn BY GARRETT CHAN Staff Writer
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n Tuesday, the International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) announced that it had teamed up with GQ magazine to release an article titled “HOTTEST SUMMER EVER: Climate Change Will Definitely Heat up Earth (But Not Your Bedroom!)” in this month’s issue of the periodical. The intent of the article is to bring awareness to the threat of the irreversible and destructive effects of climate change, along with a sobering reminder that the majority of readers would most likely die alone. The report occupied four pages of the men’s lifestyle magazine and highlighted studies on the planet’s weather patterns and ocean currents, and growing instability in atmospheric conditions. Although the report also predicted increasing chances of surprise thunderstorms that would, hypothetically, “be perfect excuses to run inside, strip off wet clothing, and bang one out in the mudroom,” the likelihood of such scenarios ever coming to be were about as slim as global warming being a natural phase in Earth’s longterm climate behavior. In addition, the IPCC, along with a creative team from the magazine, made efforts in other media to broadcast their message. To complement the report, the panel staged a press conference and posted it to the GQ website. The video, titled, “Climate change DEBRIEFING: last-ditch summer flings for increasingly unstable global weather patterns” was of a man
Volume XXII Issue I
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed last week that the company is working on rolling out a “Dislike” button to its wildly popular social media platform, a move that he said would “revolutionize cyberbullying.” “It used to be that when someone said something you didn’t like, you had to leave a nasty comment or threatening private message to express what a miserable twerp they were,” Zuckerberg said. “But now, making someone on the Internet feel like absolute shit just for telling you about their day has never been easier.” Facebook programmer Brianna Damon told reporters that her team has
made an effort to make the new button as versatile as possible. “Our research showed that there are all kinds of situations where the dislike button can come into play,” she said. “We were initially working on the political angle, but we realized that everyone from 13-year-old bullies to vindictive ex-boyfriends would be able to benefit from this new feature.” Facebook is reportedly working on a suite of additional button options, including a “Meh” button, a “This Article is so Fake” button, and a “For The Last Time Grandma, Obama Was Born in Hawaii, Not Kenya” button.
LOCAL EDGY REALIST DECIDES CAPITALISM IS THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION
PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE
“This would be a great place for, like, a water park or a golf course or something if they would just move all of these goddamn walruses,” Sam mentioned to his girlfriend. pleading with a woman to date him on a beach overrun with walruses and other displaced sea life fighting in a growing pile of gore over precious beach real estate. The IPCC’s efforts to bring greater awareness to climate change came about when it realized that many of its reports, no matter how well supported by empirical data and analyses performed by the world’s leading climatologists, were no longer able to able to draw the attention or belief of the general public, let alone the world’s politicians and policy makers. Realizing that many of these people, however, held the advice of men’s lifestyle magazines in higher esteem than any scientific or religious publication they’d read in their lives, they began targeting new media channels.
“GQ called us up one day wanted us to pitch a science article,” explained one NOAA scientist. “We thought, why the hell not? It’s not like we’re going to be taken too seriously anyway. Look, we know the best way to get people to listen is to prey on the existential fears of a large group of people. Here’s this men’s magazine — it’s the perfect outlet.” In what the IPCC described as “indirect reverse psychology,” it hoped that by mildly insulting GQ readers, it would actually goad them into action. However, the IPCC’s faith in its negative motivation methods may be misguided, according to its reader polls. “Yeah, I’ve been reading these articles for years,” explained Blake McCreery, a longtime GQ reader. “But I always thought they were jokes. I know that the
possibility of me ever becoming as eloquent, attractive, tall, and interesting as the men portrayed in this rag is low, but it’s attainable. Ten feet of sea level rise by 2050 and ocean acidification, though? I’m not holding my breath.” Upon hearing that the report had not gone over so well, the GQ creative team was unfazed. GQ Creative Director and IPCC liaison believe that the article will be effective because of the inherent insecurities most men feel. “You tell a man just how poorly he’s doing in the sack, and he’ll do crunches and kegels until he forgets what unclenching feels like. You then associate that weakness with the environmental harm that’s being done on a daily basis, and maybe he’ll want to do something about that too. Just maybe.”
AREA PRODUCTION OF PETER PAN INCREDIBLY REALISTIC
“HEY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE STEALTH FIGHTERS?”
You’d think they’d have enough in the budget for better footwear
“Steve, shut the fuck up. We’re stealth fighters”
Local Economics minor Jeremiah Parker gave an extensive talk about coming to terms with the harsh reality while waiting in line at a Starbucks last Thursday, describing our current situation as “unavoidable.” “I mean, it’s about human nature,” Parker said. “Mankind will always find a way to manipulate the system for their benefit, and if that means that a billionaire can buy their way up a transplant list like it’s levels on Candy Crush, then that’s just the nature of the free market.” When the Parker family’s affluence was brought
into the discussion, Parker was quick to rebut. “Really, I think it’s ‘minorities’ who have the real advantage. Did you know that they get extra points when applying for jobs at the DMV? Meanwhile, when I graduate, I’m going to have to work hard at whatever entry level job my parents can get me. That’s real hard work.” A response is planned by self-described Marxist Marcus Pointe, who would explain how the USSR wasn’t a real execution of communism if they were willing to acknowledge that part of history happened at all.
LOCAL FRESHMAN SHIPS ID CARD TO “SWIPES FOR SUDAN” CHARITY Henry Steward, a freshman in Warren College, has paid for the shipping of his ID card to the country of Sudan for charity. Steward cited a variety of reasons for the act of charity, saying, “I feel like the poor people of Sudan could use these dining dollars more than me. My parents bought me a microwave and mini fridge for my temp-triple so I see these dollars going to much better use by the Sudanese people.” “With these dining dollars, one Sudanese person who travels to San Diego can eat for three quarters!” This act has received
considerable attention from UCSD officials, who commented that “this act is preposterous. Steward will need a new ID card to get into his dorm room. However we also welcome the Sudanese people to use our facilities with the dining dollars if they choose to visit campus. We think they will love our fully vegetarian and vegan restaurant, Roots!” Other students have followed Steward, sending their IDs to “Pines Pizza for Palestine.”
See BRIEFS, page 11