The MQ Volume 22 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.”

— Cecile Richards President of Planned Parenthood

Used to insulate Sixth College’s dorms for three years running.

September 22, 2015

Freshman Excited to Finally Take Part in Political Process

BY BRANDON EHLERT

L

Distribution Captain

ast Thursday, during a meet-and-greet pizza party for Intervarsity Ministry, freshman Matthew Gracieux revealed to a group of acquaintances that he is “ecstatic” to finally be able to vote and participate in the upcoming election. He reinforced that he has waited his entire life to perform this civic duty, and feels “more American than ever” with this new responsibility.

“I don’t know about you guys, but this is something I have been dreaming about for at least my entire childhood,” said Gracieux to his friends, adjusting his name tag, which had bent in the crease of his shirt so as to make his name illegible. “First we had Bush, then Obama, and now, we get to decide who the next leader of this fine country will be.

Our influential votes could potentially sway the course of this nation. Anyone want more pepperoni?”

The group was interrupted mid-discourse for the spaghetti-marshmallow engineering competition, and subsequently to hear the message for that night’s introductory meeting.

However, Gracieux’s dialogue

IN THIS ISSUE TRUMP GIVES SURREALIST SPEECH

3

CHARGERS FIND FAN IN LOS ANGELES

4

GOSSIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UCSD ENQUIRER

6,7

HUNGARY-SERBIA BORDER MISPLACED

8

GOD RELEASES JUDAISM 2.0

10

NEWS IN BRIEF FACEBOOK’S DISLIKE BUTTON TO MAKE CYBERBULLYING EASIER THAN EVER PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“If I win ‘Chopped,’ the first thing I’m going to do is call my bud, Netanyahu,” Carly Fiorina explained on the latest episode. “He will never believe the secret ingredient was fermented garlic.” continued after the meeting, when he approached a new congregation of potential listeners, this time with the intention of “discussing the issues.”

“Have you guys seen the recent news on our borders?

Completely surreal. Finally, someone is smart enough to actually put in a door so that

people can get in,” railed Gracieux. When asked about his

See FRESHMAN, page 2

Climate Change Won’t Heat Up Love Lives, Scientists Warn

BY GARRETT CHAN Staff Writer

O

n Tuesday, the International Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) announced that it had teamed up with GQ magazine to release an article titled “HOTTEST SUMMER EVER: Climate Change Will Definitely Heat up Earth (But Not Your Bedroom!)” in this month’s issue of the periodical. The intent of the article is to bring awareness to the threat of the irreversible and destructive effects of climate change, along with a sobering reminder that the majority of readers would most likely die alone.

The report occupied four pages of the men’s lifestyle magazine and highlighted studies on the planet’s weather patterns and ocean currents, and growing instability in atmospheric conditions.

Although the report also predicted increasing chances of surprise thunderstorms that would, hypothetically, “be perfect excuses to run inside, strip off wet clothing, and bang one out in the mudroom,” the likelihood of such scenarios ever coming to be were about as slim as global warming being a natural phase in Earth’s longterm climate behavior.

In addition, the IPCC, along with a creative team from the magazine, made efforts in other media to broadcast their message. To complement the report, the panel staged a press conference and posted it to the GQ website. The video, titled, “Climate change DEBRIEFING: last-ditch summer flings for increasingly unstable global weather patterns” was of a man

Volume XXII Issue I

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed last week that the company is working on rolling out a “Dislike” button to its wildly popular social media platform, a move that he said would “revolutionize cyberbullying.”

“It used to be that when someone said something you didn’t like, you had to leave a nasty comment or threatening private message to express what a miserable twerp they were,” Zuckerberg said. “But now, making someone on the Internet feel like absolute shit just for telling you about their day has never been easier.”

Facebook programmer Brianna Damon told reporters that her team has

made an effort to make the new button as versatile as possible.

“Our research showed that there are all kinds of situations where the dislike button can come into play,” she said. “We were initially working on the political angle, but we realized that everyone from 13-year-old bullies to vindictive ex-boyfriends would be able to benefit from this new feature.”

Facebook is reportedly working on a suite of additional button options, including a “Meh” button, a “This Article is so Fake” button, and a “For The Last Time Grandma, Obama Was Born in Hawaii, Not Kenya” button.

LOCAL EDGY REALIST DECIDES CAPITALISM IS THE ONLY VIABLE OPTION

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“This would be a great place for, like, a water park or a golf course or something if they would just move all of these goddamn walruses,” Sam mentioned to his girlfriend. pleading with a woman to date him on a beach overrun with walruses and other displaced sea life fighting in a growing pile of gore over precious beach real estate.

The IPCC’s efforts to bring greater awareness to climate change came about when it realized that many of its reports, no matter how well supported by empirical data and analyses performed by the world’s leading climatologists, were no longer able to able to draw the attention or belief of the general public, let alone the world’s politicians and policy makers. Realizing that many of these people, however, held the advice of men’s lifestyle magazines in higher esteem than any scientific or religious publication they’d read in their lives, they began targeting new media channels.

“GQ called us up one day wanted us to pitch a science article,” explained one NOAA scientist. “We thought, why the hell not? It’s not like we’re going to be taken too seriously anyway. Look, we know the best way to get people to listen is to prey on the existential fears of a large group of people. Here’s this men’s magazine — it’s the perfect outlet.”

In what the IPCC described as “indirect reverse psychology,” it hoped that by mildly insulting GQ readers, it would actually goad them into action.

However, the IPCC’s faith in its negative motivation methods may be misguided, according to its reader polls. “Yeah, I’ve been reading these articles for years,” explained Blake McCreery, a longtime GQ reader.

“But I always thought they were jokes. I know that the

possibility of me ever becoming as eloquent, attractive, tall, and interesting as the men portrayed in this rag is low, but it’s attainable. Ten feet of sea level rise by 2050 and ocean acidification, though? I’m not holding my breath.”

Upon hearing that the report had not gone over so well, the GQ creative team was unfazed. GQ Creative Director and IPCC liaison believe that the article will be effective because of the inherent insecurities most men feel. “You tell a man just how poorly he’s doing in the sack, and he’ll do crunches and kegels until he forgets what unclenching feels like. You then associate that weakness with the environmental harm that’s being done on a daily basis, and maybe he’ll want to do something about that too. Just maybe.”

AREA PRODUCTION OF PETER PAN INCREDIBLY REALISTIC

“HEY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE STEALTH FIGHTERS?”

You’d think they’d have enough in the budget for better footwear

“Steve, shut the fuck up.

We’re stealth fighters”

Local Economics minor Jeremiah Parker gave an extensive talk about coming to terms with the harsh reality while waiting in line at a Starbucks last Thursday, describing our current situation as “unavoidable.”

“I mean, it’s about human nature,” Parker said.

“Mankind will always find a way to manipulate the system for their benefit, and if that means that a billionaire can buy their way up a transplant list like it’s levels on Candy Crush, then that’s just the nature of the free market.”

When the Parker family’s affluence was brought

into the discussion, Parker was quick to rebut. “Really, I think it’s ‘minorities’ who have the real advantage.

Did you know that they get extra points when applying for jobs at the DMV? Meanwhile, when I graduate, I’m going to have to work hard at whatever entry level job my parents can get me.

That’s real hard work.”

A response is planned by self-described Marxist Marcus Pointe, who would explain how the USSR wasn’t a real execution of communism if they were willing to acknowledge that part of history happened at all.

LOCAL FRESHMAN SHIPS ID CARD TO “SWIPES FOR SUDAN” CHARITY Henry Steward, a freshman in Warren College, has paid for the shipping of his ID card to the country of Sudan for charity.

Steward cited a variety of reasons for the act of charity, saying, “I feel like the poor people of Sudan could use these dining dollars more than me. My parents bought me a microwave and mini fridge for my temp-triple so I see these dollars going to much better use by the Sudanese people.”

“With these dining dollars, one Sudanese person who travels to San Diego can eat for three quarters!”

This act has received

considerable attention from UCSD officials, who commented that “this act is preposterous. Steward will need a new ID card to get into his dorm room.

However we also welcome the Sudanese people to use our facilities with the dining dollars if they choose to visit campus. We think they will love our fully vegetarian and vegan restaurant, Roots!” Other students have followed Steward, sending their IDs to “Pines Pizza for Palestine.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

September 22, 2015

Monopoly Remembers Ferguson Riots Anniversary with Commemorative Game

Be sure to lock your token’s doors when passing through the urbanized areas.

BY BARAK TZORI

H

Managing Editor

asbro, Inc.’s President and CEO Brian Goldner revealed a new version of the popular game Monopoly earlier this month, in remembrance of one year passing since the Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson, Missouri. The game, “Monopoly: Socioeconomic Inequalities Edition” comes with a brand new set of properties and includes a few never-beforeseen rule changes.

“We wanted to bring Monopoly into the fold of current events and discussions while still keeping the same beloved family atmosphere it’s so known for,” stated Goldner in a press release. “That’s why we’ve added such mechanics as ‘The Projects Lane.’ This is a small avenue of reasonably affordable, not-at-all dangerous, public properties that players may choose to venture into, or, if they are in good enough

financial standing, take the detour around.”

Perhaps the greatest addition to “Monopoly: Dysfunctional Criminal Justice System Edition” can be found in the new way in which players can go to and get out of jail.

Quoted directly from the rule book, “The jail is to be divided into two sections, one for the A token group — Top Hat, Automobile, Battleship, Bag of Money — and another for the B group — Iron, Shoe, Broken TV, Food Stamp. The A group, once in jail, may leave after one turn or by paying a $50 fine. The B group, once in jail, must stay there for a minimum sentence of at least three turns, followed by a required bail of $200 which must be posted one day prior to release.

“A player without sufficient funds may be bailed out by another player, or else must buy into a harsh cyclic system of minimum jail times and lifelong debts, creating another

generation who will grow up like the one before it without fine, mentoring men and women in their lives, represented in the game by a small, grey, plastic chain.”

Critical reception to “Monopoly: Inner City School Budget Cuts Edition” has been mixed, with some reviewers claiming it portrays modern society in far too harsh a light.

“On one half of the board every third square is a ‘police stop’, and the other half of the board is gated! I can’t even land on Boardwalk without getting pulled over at least twice and having to show my papers,” exclaimed one such critic Thomas Jackson, the now retired former police chief of Ferguson.

“This can’t be what society is really like.”

But other reviewers welcome “Monopoly: Do You Really Think Voting For Bernie Sanders is Going to Help? Edition.”

“Nothing has ever sym-

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

bolized our recent plight and hardships more succinctly and poignantly,” explains black activist Wiebe Tinga, “than adding the Slim Chance card pile to the board.”

CEO Goldner has indicated that this is just the beginning, and that more culturally attuned games are on the way.

“As an industry leader, Hasbro must step boldly into the 21st century and become a staple in the increasingly socially-aware American family,” said Goldner. “If that means releasing ‘Top Income Bracket’s Hungry Hungry Capital Gain-os’ or ‘No Ladders, Just Chutes’ or “Sorry! Not Sorry Women!’ then so be it.”

“Monopoly: I’ve Stopped Believing in the American Dream Edition” can be found at any local Target or Toys R’ Us. Look for it in the lavish maple-colored wooden box, or the lead-painted cardboard box if you live on the wrong side of the highway.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Freshman

sources, Gracieux remarked, “It’s everywhere! But I can share the EMGN link with you on Facebook.

“We have Trump, then there’s Ben Carson. And then, of course, there’s Hillary … don’t even get me STARTED on Hillary. It’s a miracle she is even this far in, considering she has literally run for the presidency, like, 70 times.

Right? Unreal.”

Cheryl Adams, a freshman who took AP Political Science in 2014, said that Gracieux seemed to know very little about what the candidates thought, saying, “He just kind of threw out names of the candidates. At one point, I asked him what he thought of Carly Fiorina’s stance on abortion, and he just responded with a stare and said that he was surprised that a chef from Food Network was running for president.

“My best guess is that he thought I was talking about Giada de Laurentis, but who knows?” Adam finished. “They both sound Italian, I guess.”

When asked who he would most want to see in office, Gracieux prefaced by saying that he would need to read up more on each candidate, but that, “as things sit right now, and from what I’ve seen in the news, I

want that one Republican — the one that the official group of Republicans thingy already chose to be the President — and who we get to vote for! I’m just really excited! I’m changing the world.

“Wait, when do we get to vote for Vice President, again?

That comes after we vote for the President, I think,” Gracieux said. “I can’t wait to get the sticker, too!”

Unfortunately, Gracieux left shortly afterward to participate in a “pivotal” meeting to end childhood hunger in Malaysia. However, Adams had more to say regarding Gracieux and his excitement.

“Matt said his next steps were to talk to his parents about what they think and ‘hopefully get into a heated political argument, fingers crossed.’ Then, he wants to register to vote, although he thinks you do that by mailing your driver’s license to the White House. I wasn’t about to correct him, though.”

Gracieux’s dedication to civic duty should become more prevalent among the American population in the coming months, especially with coming debates. The next one is scheduled for October and will be televised on all major news networks.

Always the big spoon, never the dog.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke

Publicity Editor.......................Katherine Wood Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Captain......................Uma Mahto Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Sam Bazzi Maxwell Bland Corina Cadiz Sarah Cain Garrett Chan Karina CorralRodriguez

Gripped by a crippling fear of normalcy.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. It’s been said by innumerable Editors-in-Chief in the past, and I’ll say it again: I cannot believe I’m writing this note. But the thing that I find even more unbelievable is what an amazing group of people I’ve led this production. In particular, Romelle and Hannah were absolute troopers, running their departments alone while never losing their cools. Evvan and Jacob worked their asses off at production despite also having to work their asses off in real jobs. Barak managed everyone like a boss, even while also hula hooping on a longboard. Katherine did enough recruiting to satisfy the LDS Church’s convert quotas for a year. And Matt, Luke, Dylan, and Jaz bolstered our ranks and our morales. I am so grateful to everyone who came to this production, and I can’t wait to meet even more amazing MQers soon. If you’re reading this and haven’t yet come to a meeting or event, I sincerely hope you will. The fact that you’re reading the issue closely enough to find this note makes you more than qualified.

Halle Davis Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan Jamiree Harrison Lauren Kirkbride Yifan Li

Julia Mechali Andre Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Rohan Rangray Ajey Rengarajan Kendra Quinlan

Sarah Schlossberg Nicoletta Skaggs Boris Stepanyuk Luke Tribble Kyle Trujillo Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang

Booster Club Thank you to Barak and Andrew for buying and schlepping soda and water.

Thanks to Kat and Jacob for buying drinks and snacks, and Jen for bringing homemade brownies. Thanks to Avi for bringing exotic snacks all the way from LA, and to Allie, Sora, Jessi and Josh for Red Vines and donuts. Finally, thanks to Garrett and Howard for bringing their lovely selves (and lovely pet).

And a special thanks to the fine folks at MCC, for stepping in where AS let us down.

theMQ.org

September 22, 2015

Page 3

Trump “Tells It Like It Is,” Hundreds Dead

UPCOMING MQ EVENTS Monday, Sep 21: Movie Night Watch “What We Do in the Shadows” with us in a cozy lecture hall warmed purely by body heat!

Meet at MQ Office (by Muir Amazon Locker) 7 - 10 p.m.

Wednesday, Sep 23: First Distro Grab a copy of our latest issue! You’ll look so intellectual and informed on current events, at least until someone looks closer at the front page.

Library Walk 10 a.m. - 2 p.m.

Thursday, Sep 24: Shirt Making Join us in decorating shirts to cringe at lovingly!

God-awful puns welcome.

MQ Office 7 - 10 p.m.

“Persistence of Trump” by Donald Trump. Oil, racism on canvas. 2015.

BY MATT OLSON AND KATHERINE WOOD

Staff Writer and Publicity Editor

A

merica continued to struggle to understand the events of Donald Trump’s speech last Thursday. The speech, another in a series of campaign speeches dedicated to the issues Trump feels most strongly about, took a surprising turn when Trump first deviated from his proposed subject of immigration.

Beginning by thanking the audience for this “Trumportunity” Trump moved to his vision of America, accompanied by a PowerPoint largely featuring images of himself.

“You know, when I first invented this great country, I had imagined it to be a melting pot, full of dirty immigrants. And my dreams have been largely fulfilled, as they are my dreams, and everything I do is right.”

The audience began to cheer. Trump continued on, seemingly indifferent, though his hair grew taller and hard-

ened into solid gold.

“There are 73 million minors in the United States.

That’s 100 million potential workers! Sure, there are child labor laws, but hey, I’m the President. Who else but the Vietnamese fit into tiny spaces like engines and furnaces like that? I promised you job creation—” Trump paused, and then, his voice deepening, he growled “...and I keep my promises.”

Dozens of miniature fireworks erupted throughout the auditorium, resolving into sparkling “promises” that hung in the air. Several people fainted out of “pure, pure, joy,” dragging those standing near them to the ground. As cries for help began to spread from those watching outside the venue, witnesses say Trump screamed “LET THEM BE, THEY’RE SLEEPING” and attempted to push away the entering medics with “the force of [his] mind.”

Audience members quickly forced the medics out in a wave that trampled several

overtaken by Trump-inspired ecstasy. Witnesses reported that “where each attendee fell, two more took their place.”

The multiplying pack quickly spilled onto the street and dragged an 18-wheeler truck into the auditorium where it was immediately flipped.

Small fires broke out while Trump continued to rail upon the state of the US, all the while growing larger and more imposing.

“The United States is going downhill! It’s like this podium,” Trump cried, gesturing at his lectern. “Soon we will be nothing more than a pile of splinters and ash!” And with the slightest touch of his finger, the podium exploded into a shower of wood, sprinkling audience members in what he called “The Trump Zone.”

Even without a mic system Trump’s voice rang out over the deafening sound of the audience.

“Gun control is a simple matter of destiny. We’ve controlled our own guns since we’ve been shooting Indians with them, and I see no rea-

PHOTO BY ROMELLE CANONIZADO

son to stop now. In fact, we need more guns. If you only have one gun, what’s to stop a guy with two guns from taking your one gun?”

Trump then reached into his hair, noting that he himself had “several guns,” and pulled out two fistfuls of sparkling rifles, eliciting cheers from the audience.

Witnesses reported that Trump flung his arms out wide, eyes rolling back in his head, and let out a guttural roar. A crack of thunder struck and with a flash of light, every audience member was holding a gun.

Unseeing and terrible, Trump spoke his final words: “If you want speeches like this every day and a wall around Mexico, vote for me. I can’t make this a reality without your help, now get into my mouth.” Trump then opened his mouth impossibly wide and the throng of spectators rushed to form a line.

Despite eating a surprising percentage of the state’s voters, Trump still seems to be leading the polls.

Disappointing New Research Suggests Asshole Still Doing All Right in Life

Saturday, Sep 26: Hike Torrey Pines Park has native species of pine — but actually, that’s boring. You don’t want that. You want our tanned bodies glistening under the sun.

We’ll give you that.

Meet at MQ Office 10 a.m. - 1 p.m.

Tuesday, Sep 29: First Meeting Learn about the paper and our charming staff. After, join us for a party of respectable proportions!

Half Dome Lounge, Muir 6 p.m. - Late We use big words to make us seem photosynthesis

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

TOP TEN

BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM Staff Writer

A

recent study coming out of one of UCSD's premier research labs has revealed, to the dismay of the research group, that one of their former colleagues is doing okay for himself.

“At UCSD we strive to find the answers to profound questions across many disciplines, and this study follows in that tradition,” said Dr. Woodbury, head of the laboratory which undertook the work.

“The pertinent question here was one that really connected with everyone in our lab, namely: 'what ever happened to that snarky guy who worked here last year? I sure hope he crashed and burned.'”

The subject of the study, Brett Levitt, was a research assistant for Dr. Woodbury's lab before he left to pursue new opportunities last September. Levitt was known well to most of the lab members, and many cited his “dickishness” and his “justbegging-to-be-slapped-toshit smirk” as the main force behind the project.

“One time he held up a group meeting for 45 minutes debating the pronunciation of the word 'coupon' while also hitting on my wife over the phone,” commented Dr. Woodbury, “So yeah, pretty much everyone wanted to check up on him and make sure he was reaping the shit from that one.”

The research was undertaken by an expert interdisci-

Friday, Sep 25: Game Night Join us for a thrilling night of Apples to Apples, Bang!, and bonding with each other as we argue about obscure rules.

MQ Office 7 - 10 p.m.

Lesser Known California Laws

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“We’ll see what happens in 20 years when I’m published in an established, peer-reviewed journal and he’s just happily married living a fulfilling life,” researcher Patrick mumbled. plinary team over the past six months, with funding from several large grants leveraged to utilize advanced, new surveillance technology and robust predictive behavioral models. Initial predictions based on karma and office betting pools anticipated that Levitt would be found “rotting in a gutter somewhere with not a penny to his name and no one to love him.”

But in what was described in the study's conclusion as “a moral upset to rival the aftermath of Kony 2012,” it happened that Levitt was actually enjoying a comfortable life in a prestigious career with an “obnoxiously attractive” wife.

Data also indicated that despite Levitt’s continued insistence on using 'pusillanimous' as an insult and quoting Wiki-

pedia in casual conversation he currently makes more than any of his former coworkers.

Project scientists report that the implications of these results are staggering. “It seems that the quality of a person's character may have no bearing whatsoever on his future success,” one researcher posited, “an idea which is both deeply upsetting and forces us to reconsider the moral order of the universe.”

Under this newly proposed model, scientists say that someone could, for example, both steal coke from the work fridge and find five dollars on the ground on the same day, a scenario which Dr. Woodbury describes as “patently bullshit.”

Really, the study is just beginning, as it has only re-

leased its preliminary findings and will continue to probe Levitt's life into the coming year in order to confirm them. But already a number of the project scientists have been inspired to launch further inquiries and expand on this newborn field of Retributive Psychology. “Next we want to double check that everyone who is a decent human being ends up with a good life,” said Dr. Woodbury with a chuckle, “because if that's not true we've got a real problem on our hands!”

A final possible follow-up to the study is what the group calls a “corrective experiment,” which would likely be a cheap and simple task as the only listed project materials are a baseball bat and Levitt's shins.

10. It’s illegal to list a house under 300,000 dollars 9. Any sandwich called “California” or “baja chicken” must contain avocados 8. Penal code 34.71 - “You cannot have sex with the golden gate bridge. I cannot believe I’m writing this into actual law” 7. It’s illegal to ingest more than 20 oz of salt water 6. It shall not pass forth on a true citizen’s lips that a Bordeaux chardonnay trumps a Sonoma Valley chardonnay 5. California is the only state in the union that contains anti-anti-psodemy laws 4. In Sunnyvale AYSO region 44, it is illegal to attend a son’s soccer game without cursing out referee for 15 minutes and calling his hairy sister a “good for nothing kusemech” 3. Any businessman wearing a suit must also be obnoxiously talking into a bluetooth headset 2. In Fresno, it’s illegal to Jaywalk slowly 1. “YOU CAN TURN RIGHT ON RED GODAMMIT JUST GO”

Page 4

theMQ.org

September 22, 2015

Area Man Balks at Being Center of Everyone Else’s Experiences

Lone Chargers Fan in Los Angeles “Very Excited” to Welcome Team

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

The Chargers managed to attract more potential extras when they said they would send any screenplays they got to Martin Scorsese. These were later used as confetti at the end of the games.

BY ANDREW DENERIS Editor-in-Chief

H PHOTO BY ROMELLE CANONIZADO

As Brandon was blowing out Lisa’s candle, he thought, “God damn it, I’m probably going to have to eat the entire cake too.”

BY RILEY D. MALLORY

A

MQ Mom

rea man Brandon Newton recently expressed feelings of stress and inadequacy at the challenge of being at the center of everyone else’s lives: from friends and family, to coworkers, to people on the street. Newton has described the task as “Herculean, like raising a bunch of baby snakes or whatever he did.”

“It’s just a lot to live up to, you know? I love my friends, but it can be so hard being totally on for them, and I’m just so afraid to slip up,” said Newton, whose friends reportedly care about him but in fact continue to live full and complete lives even when he’s gone. “I just don’t want to say the wrong thing or hurt anyone’s feelings.

“I saw Karen the other day, and she was just …

she was just weird. She just kind of stared off into the distance half the time like she couldn’t even hear me. I mean, did I say something?

I wish she’d just come and say it if I messed up somehow,” said Brandon of Karen Gill, daughter of Kevin Gill and Jane Conway, the victims of last month’s Streetcar Named Desire Tragedy.

Newton also reportedly found it increasingly difficult to deal with having to be “the life of the party.” Further, Newton claims he “doesn’t want to disappoint everyone by not being there,” but he can’t always be “Mr. Funny Guy” after a long day of work, and sometimes he has to let everyone down by staying in.

Newton, described by his supervisor as “an insignificant cog in an unthinkably massive machine that wouldn’t so much as slow if

he were fed through it bodily,” has voiced concerns of what may occur if his work performances slip.

“I mean, stress gets to me sometimes, but I have a high pace job and I’m worried about how it will affect others if I, like, miss work or something. I wish other people could understand how hard it is to be doing something so crucial to the project.

“And there’s also just a lot of pressure from my family, who I think feel like I don’t call them enough, and I think they worry about me a lot,” Newton said to a friend last week.

When asked about her brother, Rose Ann Newton replied, “I don’t have any brothe – Wait, you mean Brandon?

What about him?”

“I believe Brandon is suffering from what I call ‘Narcissistic Masochism,’” said psychologist Brenda Jones.

It’s not currently officially recognized in Clinical Psychology, but the APA is planning on including it in the DSM-VI. “Honestly, it’s less of a disorder and more of a personality trait associated with anxiety that we made up a diagnosis for in order to make a few more dollars and get some acclaim. Wait, are you writing down that last part too?”

“I really don’t know why he feels like he’s the center of everyone’s lives, you know?” said Newton’s best friend, Arthur Chelsea. “When that’s so clearly Erica.”

“Erica’s my rock,” said Gill, in response to questions about her parents’ grisly deaths at the hands of the actress who played Blanche in the local adaptation of Streetcar.

“Oh, Erica,” said Newton’s sister.

“Erica … I mean, wow,” said Jones.

Untraced Software Bug Creates Serial CAPE Raffle Winner

BY LAWRENCE H. LEE Graphics Editor

T

he unearthing of a software bug in the CAPE system revealed that recent Revelle graduate Abel Aaronson has been the winner of the CAPE raffle for four years in a row.

“It was pretty funny after I won the second quarter,” Aaronson said on his insurmountable winnings. “I’ve been lucky with this type of thing before, and it’s not like I’m complaining about getting $400 worth in textbooks and four 2008 iPod Nanos.”

“Although, now that I think about it, it would have been crazy if I really did have such an impressive stroke of luck,” he admitted.

CAPE director Sonny Gonzales expressed surprise at the reported bug and how Aaronson had been winning, a result that has been decried by student body as unfair to the others who also invest their time and efforts.

“To my knowledge, there's been no report of any such bug in our system whatsoever,” said Gonzales. “I’ve also been assured our programs are ‘mediocre, but probably functional,’ which is a pretty strong statement.

“There’s only two options: either the bug doesn’t exist or our developers are massively incompetent; to be honest, I’m not sure which is more likely,” he mused.

Gonzales went on to explain that if the bug existed, it would be in the randomization part of the code, causing the system to always choose

ollywood resident Allison Davis told reporters at a press conference in Los Angeles today that not only does she firmly believe that the NFL’s San Diego Chargers will move to the city next season, but that she “will become the team’s number one brochacha,” as she put it, when they do.

The press conference, arranged by NFL consultant Carmen Policy, comes as the Chargers continue to work on their plan to share a stadium in Carson, California, with the Oakland Raiders. The plan, says Policy, is “a backup option the teams have been forced to contemplate due to their current cities’ refusal to hand them billions of tax-exempt dollars for stadiums that they will use eight times a year.”

In a related development, multiple sources, including the U.S. Census, confirmed that according to their extensive research, Davis holds the distinction of being the only supporter of the Chargers in the entirety of Los Angeles County.

“We checked Santa Monica, Long Beach, and even Valencia,” said NFL marketing intern Rodney Korpics. “Ms. Davis was the only person we could find who said they were a Chargers fan.”

Korpics went on to state that common responses to questions about the potential move among LA County residents included, “RAIDER NATION,” “Wait, San Diego has a football team?” and, “Look, are you going to take a copy of my screenplay or not?”

Policy, who has been an

ardent supporter of the teams’ ambitions to move to Los Angeles, explained at the press conference that the teams’ bitter rivalry and disparity in Angeleno fans will be easy for the Chargers to overcome.

“We know that Los Angeles had the Raiders for 10 years, including one that ended with a Super Bowl, and that Raiders fans have hated the Chargers since 1960,” he said. “But what you have to remember is that the Chargers will switch conferences when they move in with the Raiders down here.

Once that happens, the two will only play once every four years, and we’re very confident that Angelenos will have no trouble rooting for the Raiders and the Chargers.

“After all, the Raiders and 49ers are just miles apart right now, but I’d hardly say those two have a rivalry,” he added.

When asked to comment on the team’s popularity in Los Angeles, Chargers owner Dean Spanos replied, “Look, LA is just a backup plan for us. As long we get a stadium plan that works for us, the Los Angeles Chargers are committed to the fine city of San Diego.

“Wait, I meant San Diego Chargers! Shit,” he continued.

Davis, meanwhile, told reporters that she is confident that her city will welcome her favorite team with open arms.

“I plan on attending every game,” said Davis, before being asked about her impressions of the team’s proposed stadium.

“Wait, they’re building the stadium in Carson?” she continued. “Never mind. I’m not sitting on the 110 for four hours every Sunday just to watch my team choke at the end of the season and miss the playoffs again. Forget it.”

TOP TEN

New Technology Trends That Prove You’re Getting Old

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“Hey congrats on winning the CAPE raffle!” The clerk exclaimed. However, the student responded, “No, wait, can you tell me where the line for Santorini’s is?” the first PID on the list.

“If, however, the program is randomizing fine, that means the number of recorded responses is so low tha — Harry, could you pull our total numbers for the past four years?”

“Of course I’m pissed when I heard that one person has been winning the raffle for four years in a row,” responded Warren third-year Randall Dexter-Burton to the news. “Can you imagine how cheated all those masses and masses of people who fill out their CAPEs every single quarter feel? That they didn’t even have a chance to begin with? This makes me want to fill them out even less, and it’s not like I ever did to begin with.”

Echoing the students’ thoughts on the situation, the UCSD Bookstore also expressed outrage at the perceived mishandling of its gifts.

“It’s not every day that people gain the ability to carry around 1000 of their favorite songs in a sleek, modern audio player,” said Sheridan Pratt, a representative from the UCSD Bookstore. “We were even planning to upgrade the prize to a 2010 Zune, which can hold a whopping 250 songs more than the iPod. “So you can understand our anger and disappointment at the CAPE system when we heard that our graciously donated prizes went to the same person for four

years,” Pratt continued. “He could have bought all his books for an entire quarter with those gift cards!”

Despite his intense criticism of the CAPE system, Dexter-Burton believes there exists a fairly simple solution to the issue that only requires a policy change.

“If the system is bugged such that one lucky entrant keeps winning when they do their CAPEs,” he said, “then just start discouraging students to fill them out so that nobody does them at all.

That way, Aaronson or whoever gets chosen won’t win for four years straight again, and nobody can complain about ever losing the raffle.

“It’s like killing two birds with one massive stone.”

10. Live streamed colonoscopies 9. Expedited mail delivery services 8. Your Facebook feed is starting to get filled up with pictures of your college friends’ newborn cyborgs 7. Extra-loud Siri 6. Wearable hearing aids 5. “In my day, we didn’t have any of this cyberbullying nonsense. If you wanted to cast a kid out of society, you’d pull his pants down in front of the whole fourth grade class” 4. Prescription Google Glass 3. A used eBookstore just opened 2. Everyone talks about clouds but no one seems to know what you mean by “cumulonimbus” 1. A company patenting the alphabet

September 22, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 5

NASA Officials Attempt to Make Pluto Images More Impressive, Learn Photoshop

School Year Shaping Up to Be Just as Disappointing as Last

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

Michael looked everywhere for friends, but couldn’t seem to find anybody laughing, smiling, or wearing flip flops.

BY LUKE TRIBBLE

Staff Writer CSD student Michael Walters arrived at the conclusion today that while he had hoped the academic and social dissatisfaction he faced his first year would fade away, his second year was shaping up to be just as mediocre. Walters stated while he knew freshman year would be somewhat of "an adjustment," he never anticipated sophomore year to be “just as shitty.”

“I knew the moment I set foot on campus as a UCSD freshman, I was going to get my ass kicked, both academically and [physically] by upperclassmen," Walters said.

"But to have the same experience as a sophomore? Evil Sun God must have it out for me.”

Walters had returned to campus last week with high expectations for his second year and intending to make progress on his naively quick-paced four-year plan.

However, his graduation date was extended indefinitely after being reminded by an academic counselor that “Studies of Social Angst” was not a real major, nor was his planned minor in Video Game Ethnographies.

“I can’t tell if I’m just making poor decisions, or the educational system is completely dysfunctional. It’s probably the educational system,” said Walters, shaking his head.

Although Walters appeared to be bewildered by this “disappointing” first half of his collegiate endeavors, testimoni-

U

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“Oh hey, you’re Pluto? You don’t look the same as you did online,” said Starscream69XX.

BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT

Content Editor esearchers at NASA released “new and improved” images of Pluto earlier this week after a disappointing public response towards New Horizons’ photos from early July. Researchers utilized cutting-edge photo editing technology to make visuals that, according to Dr. Elena Schmidt, “made astronomical discovery accessible and so much more entertaining than your average reddit article.”

Initially, the photos of Pluto taken by New Horizons were met by a combination of apathy and skepticism.

Many seemed unaware of the probe's journey or purpose.

One skeptic, Alex Balandin, explained his doubts about the photos in several blog posts such as: “Those scientists need to get their stories straight if they want us to really believe something like this.

They keep ranting about all of that space junk that’s flying around everywhere, but then

R

they show us these perfectly clear pictures with NO space junk in them. Do they expect us to believe that the probe they used was also equipped with a laser that can just disintegrate all the space junk around Pluto too, or what?”

Balandin furthered he was disappointed that NASA believed the American public “lacked a basic understanding of photography and astrology,” and explained, “also the shadows of the rocks in the top-right region should have been longer, since there was so much less gravity acting on them there.”

Scientists, in order to combat this negative feedback, launched a new program called MAFKOA, or “Make Astronomy Fun and Kind Of Accurate,” devoted to making the New Horizons images seem more exciting and believable.

NASA official Connor Johansen stated, “The few dedicated graduate students assigned to this project underwent intensive Photoshop training before embarking on

their mission that would forever change humankind's understanding of the universe, and enable them to put pictures of their friends' heads on cute animal bodies.”

The new Pluto images include larger mountains and geographic features, giant purple dinosaurs wearing various articles of clothing, and more. One graduate student assigned to the mission explained, “In order to make the images more appealing, we accentuated a lot of Pluto's features, and then added some of our own, like a big lava pit right next to its north pole. We also blurred out some segments of the planet to keep up an air of mystery about space.”

Graduate student Cheyenne Burns, the woman responsible for the clothed dinosaur addition, also shared her experience and inspirations.

“I wanted to include some form of life on the planet to spur more excitement about Pluto's exploration,” Burns explained. “I decided on dinosaurs because they were

foreign enough to intrigue people, but not enough to scare people. The clothing was meant to show that the creatures were really just like us, and they added a hint of color and style to the composition of the graphic.”

Upon first release, the images seem to be effective at satisfying skeptics. As avid Balandin supporter Edmond Grey describes, “The new images from the probe are much more convincing, and too bizarre to be fake. Also, who would purposely blur out parts of an image?”

The scientific community hailed the images as a giant leap towards a public more informed and supportive of the astronomical community. As revealed by a NASA reader’s poll, five percent of the respondents hailed the pictures as “Revolutionary,” two percent called them “Good enough to make a pretty solid meme,” and 93 percent voted “If Pluto’s not technically a planet, why do we still care about it?”

2016 Presidential Readers’ Poll Upset by your local news channel’s coverage of politics? Wishing you could spice up the upcoming election with some scandals, embarrassing questions, and tangentially related social media posts of your own creation? Here is your chance to recreate the election coverage you want to see! Fill out this reader’s poll to have your political opinions heard by a moderate amount of people who can’t really do anything about them.

1.

Question: Marry, fuck, kill, or vote for? Choose Between:

5.

You do know what a primary is, right?

a. Hillary Clinton b. Jeb Bush c. Rand Paul d. Joe Biden

2.

What would you prefer the “I voted” sticker to look like?

a. Of course I do! I’m so engaged in the American political process! b. No, but I accept that about myself and I hope you will too. c. Red, blue and yellow.

6.

Between Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, if they had to choose between killing their wife or their daughter, which is most likely to pick the wife?

a. Bernie Sanders b. Donald Trump c. It depends on who is more well-liked by the American public

7.

Who’s excited about American Horror Story Season 5?

3.

Mostly red with a little bit of blue and white Mostly blue with a little bit of red and white Do you like me?

Yes No

4.

What kind of electoral college do you prefer?

a. Four year b. Community c. Vocational d. Trade

Me

8.

What are your thoughts on how the US has handled the Soviet propping of Bashar Al-Assad in 2012 and how that affected the influx of migrants seen in Europe over the past couple of months? Explain your response in 100 words or less.

9.

Your thoughts on polls.

Love them?

Hate them?

als from his friends and family contributed more information.

“To be honest, Mike is just incompetent,” said Tyree Jones, Walters’ roommate. “He never attends lecture and is always sleeping in. In fact, I don’t actually think he registered for classes last quarter. Explains why he got lost so much.”

Nadia Salen, Walters’ cousin who also attends UCSD, noted that Walters had expressed disgust at the challenging statistics and programming courses required for an alternative major in Sociology or ICAM. She further observed Walters spent a lot of his time “moping around in Pines with a Gameboy covered in stickers about anarchy or something” last year.

When asked for comment, Walters dismissed these claims as “outlandish.”

“Whether or not I went to class or am even enrolled as a UCSD student is irrelevant.

My lackluster experiences are clearly due to factors out of my control and I am in no way responsible for my own happiness,” explained Walters.

Though still planning on continuing what some dubiously refer to as his “education”, Walters made an effort to note his great displeasure about the upcoming year, particularly about his USP 1 class.

“It would be immature of me to assume I could be at fault for my own continuing student status or decisions.

After all, nihilism is the only truth. I honestly think I’m going to be a good role model for the incoming freshmen.”

TOP TEN

Lofty, High-Minded Goals You Shouldn’t Have Taken On Over the Summer 10. Reading all of the “Lord of the Rings” books while hiking across the Alps, and all of Heidegger’s works on the way back 9. Getting a Netflix account so you can stop using your parents’ password 8. Adding a second story to your house 7. Having a level-headed discussion about politics with your family 6. Trying to remember your Neopets password 5. Not letting those teens who hang outside the Grocery Outlet see your fear 4. Finding out what channel the Women’s World Cup is on 3. Raising a hundred million dollars through super PACs for your presidential campaign 2. Limiting yourself to one sleeve of Oreos per day 1. Writing the Great American Novel. Reading a Great American Novel. Going to Great America. Observing the Fourth of July

Page 6

September 22, 2015

theMQ.org

THE UCSD ENQUIRER

The Latest in Washed-up, Sleep-Deprived, “I’m also PreMed” Fashion

Get the scoop on UCSD myths, updates, and the latest world-changing violent-outburst-causing nudes at your finest news source! Don’t start the year being uninformed, and make sure you know how to judge and avoid people the right way with this edition of the UCSD Enquirer.

FF TA S SD SED UC XPO E

Catch These Embarrassing Photo Leaks of UCSD Officials in Guaranteed Compromising Situations!

PROFESSOR EDITION: Who Wore an Ill-Fitting White Shirt Best?

Professor Stewart didn’t do too badly, although the three broken fountain pens, the surreally large pit stain that only appears in his left armpit, and the chest hairs popping out through the buttons threw him off.

One arm cuff is rolled up once t times. This is unexcusabl

Janet Napolitano, UC President, was caught on film exploiting the free, enthusiastic labor of naive freshmen, leading people to second guess the genuineness of her alleged five dollar donation to Red Cross.

Professor Martinez received extra points for creativity.

Ghost sighting finally confirmed in Graffiti Hall, held responsible for several vandalisms and trickery around campus, has been eluding police for decades.

This shirt is way too edgy, and w disqualified from the compet

’s DO and s Find out how s N’T DO DO: Lanyards, as long as they’re the only thing you’re wearing.

DOs

Khosla’s secret to a piercing, youthful gaze and and perfectly molded half-smile revealed after he recently took a trip to his plastic surgeon for a new six-pack and elbowrounding procedure.

DON’Ts

Secret exchange between UC Board of Trustees and unknown Econ masters student about budget plans uncovered, socialist tendencies from both parties revealed.

O-chemprofessorspottedwalkingonBlacks Beach, a location infamous for aggressive nudity and site of several sex scandals.

DON’T: Empire waist dresses with panniers and boute-en-trains.

Louis XVI hasn’t been in court for years and God knows you don’t have to suck up to Marie Antoinette.

ION T A NS DR HY ATIO ST

Reviews For Every Occasion Secret training facility of new Shamu revealed to be Natatorium. More to come in “Blackfish 2: Animal Torture and University Backdoor Investments.”

Don’t get caught trying to use one of the sketchy hydration stations around campus. Protect yourself from wet clothing, lead poisoning, long wait times, and lead poisoning by following these reviews!

DON pack

nichefoodie 5 stars Revelle Apa Hydration S

Hydration station, what’s the occa little model tucked neatly into the apartments provides a euphoric r troubles and tribulations of everyd and warm like an apple pie, I reco anyone looking to step away from of heaven.

theMQ.org

September 22, 2015

too many le

was later tition.

WHO WORE IT BEST?

WHAT DO THE MINOR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS OF THESE UCSD STUDENTS REVEAL ABOUT THEIR INTIMATE LIVES?

FRESHMAN EDITION: Who Wore Orientation Gear Best?

Jonathan, donning a cape made completely made of lanyards, gets points for style, but not functionality.

This student seems normal, but is obviously gazing at his secret lover a few yards off camera who helped murder their tax collector last week. Now, they are communicating through quick glances about their planned escape to UCLA.

Clarissa is demonstrating her Unolympic spirit the hard way. Major points for suffering for the sake of fashion.

e

artments Station

asion? This cute folds of Revelle respite from the day life. Homey ommend this for it all and sip a bit

This seemingly average American is actually slowly converting to Scientology. The changes are subtle, but the gleam in her eye and parting of her hair reveal the telltale signs.

This is actually a duck in disguise.

Don’t trust him.

Billy is sporting his prepared-foranything look. Although practical, it would probably be more fitting for Eagle Scouts.

Rebeca is showing off her hipster eye for fashion with a vintage Unolympics shirt, circa 1985.

Two days ago, this student forgot that 9/11 happened. The emotional repercussions are still taking effect.

w to start the year right, and not be that one out-dated kid sitting alone in Geisel with these useful tips!

N’T: Wear a backk. People will think you’re a nerd.

Page 7

DO: Match your shoelaces to your longboard wheels, not the underside of your longboard. That’s just weird.

DO: Yeah, totally wear your high school letter jacket. Everyone’s gonna think you’re soooo cool.

Do it.

This fucking fatass is majorly letting herself go. After two failed diets, she really needs to find something that works for her and fast.

This painting looks familiar and comforting to many; however, always question assumptions. What leads us to believe these two people are man and wife? What leads us to believe their expressions mean no nonsense? Is this reality? Is this fantasy?

A beautiful woman who is showing off her new beach body, with an all-natural tan, after successfully completing her weightsmart diet. However, a bystander got in way of our photo right before we took it.

DON’T: Free the nipple during your chem lab.

feynman6022 4.1275 stars PC West Hydration Station The water temp was a full 2.6K higher than standard, water pressure was 20kPa instead of 35kPa, not at maximum efficiency rating.

hiddentreasure 2.5 stars Pepper Canyon Hydration Station This hydration station is hidden in a beautiful, natural canyon and has a lot of potential, but I don’t think anyone goes here. It’s become really run down.

thearchitect 3 stars New Geisel Hydration Station This station was just installed. The water’s all right, but the fact that it’s located right behind a swinging door that leads into a study room makes it slightly inconvenient.

Page 8

theMQ.org

September 22, 2015

Earth’s Twin Reportedly Distant, Rebellious

Hungarian Officer Misplaces Hungary-Serbia Border, Refugees Left in Limbo

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

The room of executive cartographers broke into huge laughter after the intern asked, “Wait, do you think we’re treading over any native territories while we’re doing this?”

BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT

Content Editor hile leading construction of a segment of fence on the Hungary-Serbia Border, Hungarian Officer Abel Pasko was reportedly unable to pinpoint the exact location of the border line between the two nations. After completion of the fence, it was concluded that it had been built either .85 meters too far north, or 100 kilometers too far south.

Pasko explained that upon arriving near the construction site, he began to develop doubts about his ability to locate the border.

“I was expecting there to be a difference in land, or at least one of those signs marking the entry to Serbia, but everything just looked the same when I got out there,” said Pasko. “I followed the directions given to me exactly, and walked 400 strides south of the big tree with the weird, long roots, but I’m not sure if I got the ‘walking with purpose, but not purposely widening your gait’ stride-length quite right.”

Pasko claimed that he felt pressured by the increasing number of refugees attempting to cross to start construction of the fence in spite of his uncertainties, and decided on a border location based on his shortest estimated stride length, to avoid accidently entering “foreign and possibly dangerous territory.”

As construction progressed, Pasko’s worries heightened. “I could have sworn when we started construction, that black rock over there was on the other side of the fence,” he exclaimed.

However, to maintain control over the border area, he continued to act confident in his placement of the new Hungary-Serbia border, deciding it was best to “figure it out later.”

After, its completion, the fence was examined by a team of Hungarian Military officials and cartographers.

The team also had trouble determining the exact border. “It depends a lot on which map you’re looking at,” cartogra-

W PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

“I hate you, mom, and I hate your gravitational constant! As soon as I turn 18 I’m gonna run off with one of Jupiter’s moons!” exclaimed Mars.

BY ANDREW DENERIS

P

Editor-in-Chief

lanetary scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced the results of an intensive study of Kepler-452b, an exoplanet, which despite her completely different size, appearance, location, age, and music tastes is widely known as “Earth’s twin.”

The study, conducted by lead planetary behavior expert Johanna Kipling, concluded that, despite the two planets’ shared upbringing, Earth is better than her wayward sister “in almost every way imaginable.”

“Our findings are conclusive,” said Kipling. “Although the two planets are indeed twin siblings, every observation we’ve made supports the conclusion that Kepler-452b is completely inadequate in every way compared to Earth, from the amount of friends they have to their SAT scores.

“Kepler-452b is the prod-

igal planet, if you will,” she added.

While the discovery of this long-lost relative of Earth has sent shockwaves throughout the human community, the reaction of her relatives in the Solar System has been markedly less enthusiastic.

“Don’t you dare speak that child’s name in this System,” said our Sun when asked about her estranged daughter.

“You don’t think I gave her that stupid name, do you? No, she’ll always be Theia to me. But she went and changed it to some other name with a bunch of numbers after it. Claimed it was more ‘unique.’ That was right before she—she …” the Sun continued, before violently destroying a passing comet with a solar flare.

“We were really close for a while. She even got me my first pet,” said Earth, gesturing toward the Moon as he orbited nearby. “Who’s a good satellite? Who’s tidally locked to his mommy? You are! Yes you are!

“Anyway, things really started to change when she started smoking comets,” Earth continued. “Mom even tried to get Jupiter to throw them into the Oort Cloud, but it was no use. Enough got through and she slipped deeper into addiction.

“Then one day, she got into a huge fight with our brother Mars. She was making fun of him for how tiny his moons are, and the next thing I knew they started going at it.

“After that, she just packed her bags and left.

Shot off toward another star system and we never heard from her again. I mean, she could at least send a Winter Solstice card or something.”

Kepler-452b’s own account of her departure from the Solar System, however, is markedly different than that of her fellow planets.

“What you have to understand is that my goodie twoshoes sister Earth was always the favorite,” she said, her frustration causing a slight

liberation in her orbit.

“And it wasn’t just with Mom. Everyone liked her better. She even got asked on a date by Saturn! And let me tell you, ‘Jewel of the Solar System’ is an understatement as far as he’s concerned,” she continued, a slight blush showing in her southern ocean.

“Meanwhile the only one interested in me was Uranus,” she said with a slight shudder. “I mean, it’s bad enough that he named all his moons after Shakespeare characters, but how am I even supposed to make eye contact with him, let alone do anything else, when he’s tilted 96 goddamn degrees from his orbit?”

At press time, Kipling’s team had uncovered what they thought to be evidence of a steamy love affair between Kepler-452b and a second, unknown planet, only to realize that it was, in fact, a smudge on their telescope.

Apple to Release Disposable iPaper

BY BORIS IVAN STEPANYUK Staff Writer

T

im Cook, Apple’s CEO, recently unveiled a new product, shortly following his new “genius” creation, the Apple Pencil. Cook announced, “Now, not only can you utilize all the qualities of a pencil without ever touching an archaic, leadfilled wooden contraption.

But for those who want a compromise between spending $749 on an iPad to use with their new pencil, and disposable but simplistic paper, I pioneered my company into the age of disposable iPaper.”

The new iPaper is a revolutionary .1 mm retina display that is capable of reinventing most of the basic functions of an iPad. It lacks a charging dock, an auxiliary output, and volume controls, but is almost as light as a piece of paper, making it apple’s most extraordinary device yet.

Shortly after the keynote, Apple’s CEO unveiled and explained what he thinks makes iPaper truly extraordinary.

“It not that the paper has the Apple logo on it, or a space grey margin finish, which also comes in silver, gold, rose gold and neon yellow. It’s the fact that you can have a brand new, one-use piece of paper in front of you at your convenience.

“Now rather than spending months and sometimes years making a device truly yours, just to have it break to be replaced by a meaningless new gadget, you can willingly throw away your electronics before ever really being attached to them,” Cook continued.

pher Rob Horwath explained.

“Some maps say that the border should be slightly further north than others. One had a random 5,000 km indent into Hungary in the east, which could have been an addition after the Battle of Cer in 1914, or the mapmaker sneezing at an inconvenient time.”

The border confusion has spurred controversy about whether or not to grant more refugees asylum, as many had been standing against the fence, which according to some maps is Hungarian territory, and others is deep into Serbian territory. Several refugees who have stood within .85 meters of the fence claimed since they had technically stayed in the country for several days they are entitled to asylum, or at least squatter’s rights.

Other situations made it increasingly difficult for the Hungarian government to maintain a consistent procedure or set of guidelines for dealing with new refugees. There have been reports that although several families were denied passage, baskets of food and a few animals close to the border have been hauled over the fence by guards who claimed that they were on Hungarian property.

Still other refugees demand that the fence could be an invasion onto Serbian land, and are attempting to claim the 100 km bordering the Hungarian side of the fence as theirs.

Hungarian officials are drafting a temporary plan to deal with the border issue.

Prime Minister Orban decided to assume the border was .85 meters south of the constructed fence, stating “that seemed like the easiest option,” and is considering granting people in the controversial range of the fence temporary asylum. Officials are still determining the cut off point for being “in” Hungary, as some people are positioned partially in Hungary territory, and partially in Serbia, however it is expected that a “two-thirds” rule will be implemented.

TOP TEN

Phrases Guaranteed to Start World War III PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

A couple months after the initial release of iPaper, an epidemic of rust infections broke out in inner city public schools, where many teachers reported instances of iSpitballs.

The paper comes in two different styles: college ruled and graphing style. It is also offered in two different sizes, the regular 8.5” by 11” measurements, and for those who are a little more extravagant, a larger iPaper+ size that measures 8.75” by 11.25”.

The iPaper was originally developed with ground breaking 3D touch technology, allowing the writer to control the thickness of the marks they make. However in order to maintain the natural paper-like feel, the 3D technology was not incorporated in the final product. Made from the extremely rare Amazon pulpwood log fibers, iPaper is reportedly much more

durable than normal paper, and is even able to conserve the folds necessary for paper airplane creation.

Cook mentioned during his talk that people might be worried about the price of this technology. However, in order to stress how much Apple truly cares about its customers, he explained that they will be incorporating Apple Care + with the iPaper. This guarantees that for 12 installment payments of $34.99 (or $39.99 for iPaper+) anyone can own 12 sheets of iPaper. Cook emphasized the value of this deal by furthering that “since the sheets are two sided, it’s almost like having 24 sheets a year,

which if you think about it is even more than 23 sheets of one-sided paper.”

Shortly after Cook announced the price to be less than $35 (or $40 for the iPaper+), one of his hand model representatives transitioned into a demo during which they reportedly underestimated the sensitivity of the touch screen, and made a mark much larger than expected. Although seeming like an easy fix, the pencil and paper do not have erasing capabilities. This incident has already spurred a new product idea planned to be released by September next year, when Tim and his crew will unveil the iRaser.

10. Hey guys, want to fight?

9. Wow, so that’s the last of the petroleum 8. I think I’m going to give eugenics another shot 7. Announcing the next President of the United States, Donald J. Trump 6. I’m really excited to start my first day at the bomb lab!

5. I think I know what to do about this overpopulation crisis 4. Tensions came to a boil last night as jet fights flew over borders 3. Wait, you said red button, right?

2. No sir, guacamole is extra 1. Oh fuck

September 22, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 9

Local Lifeguard Discovers Decapitated Sea Lioness

Area Person Achieves Inner Peace, Family and Friends Infuriated

Merpeople Suspected

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“My God, this lady is worse than that one guy who came around a couple of years ago and told people to love thy neighbors and all that shit,” reported an angry PTA member.

BY KATHERINE WOOD Publicity Editor

PHOTO BY JACOB AGUIRRE

The lifeguard had to poke the sea lioness with a variety of shovels, at different pressures before he was comfortable pronouncing it dead.

BY KENDRA QUINLAN Staff Writer

T

he U.S. Coast Guard entered aquamarine alert last Wednesday when local lifeguard Mikey Brookes discovered a decapitated sea lioness along the shores of Black’s Beach. After performing rigorous tests, such as poking it with a shovel, police pronounced it deceased.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) believes the culprits to be members of the Four Tribes of Merlin—a Merpeople confederation that resides eight miles into sea from where the headless creature was found.

When asked about the incident, 23-year-old Brookes, the newest addition to the No One Drowns When We’re Around Lifeguard Squad (NODWWALS), responded: “You’d be way surprised of what the average lifeguard sees these days, brah. I thought I’d meet rad chicks, get a killer tan…just like David Hasselhoff! D-u-uu-d-e, I never thought it’d get this gnarly.”

These “gnarly” waters turned volatile when, upon hearing about Merpeoples’ expected involvement in the

decapitation, the European League of Mermen and Merwomen (ELMM) — an international Merpeople rights organization — accused the NOAA of leading a “biased investigation intended to curtail the already dwindling rights of Merpeople.”

According to the ELMM, Merpeople’s rights have been restricted worldwide since the 1700s, when notoriously ostentatious Captain Shufflebottom discovered the first Merperson on a fishing expedition. Upon the discovery, Shufflebottom wrote, “Hark! What primitive, abnormal beasts I chanced upon. I, Antoine Philippe Honeysuckle Shufflebottom, have yielded new possibilities the world has never known! Until now…”

Today, basic human rights — including the right to wear shoes, use portable water canisters, own a scarletchested parakeet, and eat fish in public—are not extended to Merpeople.

According to ELMM spokes-Merperson Ima Fisch, “Merpeople continually fight for their rights and face undue criminal profiling from institutions like the NOAA. We aren’t responsible for the sea

lioness’s death. These wild accusations reinforce interspecies prejudices.

“For generations, humans have driven MerTribes from their waters and tarnished our reputations with fictitious fairy tales! That’s why we work every moon-hour to restore to Merpeople what’s rightfully theirs!”

The NOAA released a statement last Friday saying a “highly-trained team” of undergraduate forensic analysts found “shark teeth” lodged into the creature’s “tissue.”

“This further validates our suspicion of Four Tribes of Merlin, who commonly use shark teeth for weapons and weddings,” says NOAA spokesperson Uno Eyeesadik.

A survey conducted on Twitter revealed that since the investigation escalated, public sympathies toward Merpeople have declined by 27 percent, reaching a total of only 7 percent voting for the sympathetic “frowny face” emoji.

This investigation may also threaten the upcoming reelection campaign of Massachusetts Senator Mortimer Manatee, who, after his naturalization in 2002, became the first Merperson Senator in 2014. Manatee claims that

humans have become increasingly “specist” towards him, going to such lengths as mailing dead fish to his office.

Yesterday, Manatee instagrammed, “I won’t condone violence. These aggressive acts toward myself and other innocent Merpeople won’t be tolerated. My hope is whoever has bitten off the head of this beautiful sea lioness is brought to justice.”

But for Rick Oliver, an Aquatic Life Specialist with a B.S. from IEnteredMyNameAndPrintedOutMyDegree. com University, there are bigger issues than political campaigns and inter-organizational warfare.

“Four Tribes of Merlin are traditionally peaceful. Their involvement is highly unlikely,” Oliver states. “We believe what happened at Black’s Beach was a megalodon attack.”

Oliver’s research into megalodons — an ancient breed of shark that once swam our oceans millions of years ago — found they are not extinct, but rather “they’re thriving!” Oliver continued. “If we turn our backs on the possibility this monster is out there, we will see more decapitations! And next time, it could be you!”

LIGHTS & SIRENS Friday, September 18: 8:58 a.m. — Car accident. Three-car collision reported in front of empty parking spot in Muir lot, with one person injured. Transported to hospital.

4:17 p.m. — Grand theft. Three textbooks reported stolen from Bookstore; losses valued at $5,704.17. Report taken.

8:45 p.m. — Disturbance. Report of student using drill in menacing fashion turned out to be very reasonably upset at their present situation. Detained, no charges filed.

10:00 p.m. — Disturbance. Sixth college students lodged a formal complaint against the racoons living in the Pepper Canyon for disturbing their natural habitat. Information only.

Saturday, September 19: 3:25 p.m. — Missing person. Missing campus shuttle driver spotted crossing US-Mexico border. Referred to Mexican Federal Police.

10:03 p.m. — Lost item. UCSD police officer reported losing notebook of police reports. No report taken.

Sunday, September 20: 2:20 p.m. — Medical aid. Student reported feeling faint and disoriented after receiving a significant nod from Chancellor Khosla. Transported to hospital.

10:00 p.m. — Disturbance. Raccoons living in pepper canyon lodge a formal complaint against Sixth college students for disturbing their natural habitat. Information only.

Monday, September 21: 6:43 a.m. — Reports of Rat King determined to be regular swarm of rats. Official university response: “There are no rats, stop talking about the rats.” Information only.

8:14 a.m. — Hazard situation. Semi-trailer illegally parked across library walk. Citation issued.

3:36 p.m. — Copyright violation. Student was caught watching a short video edit of a film not yet released on Youtube. Closed by adult arrest.

5:20 p.m. — Citizen contact. Two first years get adjacent parking tickets, meet each other’s eyes for first time at court. Save the date May 18th, buy lawyer.

9:29 p.m. — Drug trafficking. 20 oz of a grassy herb were confiscated from a student; possibly connected to rampant basil-smuggling organization. Closed by adult arrest.

11:54 p.m. — Disturbance. Freshman cited for light pollution due to putting up Christmas lights in early September. Fined $300 and one religious freedom.

L

ast week, area resident Aleesha Banks reached total self-actualization and inner peace after months of hard work and reflection, “really disappointing” those close to her.

The ensuing wave of resentment amongst her oncesupportive social network has since reached critical levels, fragmenting the order of the local community. The PTA at Chilblains Elementary where Banks’ child attends, once a productive and agreeable organization, reported increased personal and professional difficulties in preparing for upcoming events. “[Banks] hasn’t been pulling her weight at all with the Fall Carnival, which we all voted should be assigned to her months ago,” explained Chilblains Elementary parent Jennifer Collins. When reminded Banks had refused the nomination, citing other commitments, Collins explained “Well, yeah, she said that, but we ignored it. I mean, she usually does whatever task we give her. It’s just what happens.”

Collins added, "I respect her decision and we’ve been encouraging her to be more independent, at least in regards to the soccer team, but this is taking it too far." Collins went on to say “the kicker” was the other day when Banks “wouldn’t even get defensive” after accused of being aggressively irresponsible and hating all the schoolchildren.

Banks’ child’s teacher, Mr. Carlson, shared some frustrations with the PTA, noting that he’s since had to broaden his appeal to other parents for

classroom help. He stressed that while he “of course” understood Bank’s decision to go down from four days to two, it was “just really inconsiderate” of Banks.

“I don’t want to use the word selfish, but I just have a lot going on right now, and she knows the California Missions unit is coming up,” Carlson sighed, shaking his head as he fed students’ completed science worksheets through a shredder.

Banks’ never-ending happiness and self-assuredness has caused small altercations throughout the city as community members are “subjected to the harassment” of chance encounters with her.

“It’s not okay,” said area resident Shaun Johnson. “I was standing in front of her in line at Wal-Mart waiting to buy my generic “Wally Martin” cheese puffs and a spare bike tire, and the cashier was taking a little while longer than I wanted. I huffed and turned around to ask if she could believe this, and she just said ‘I’m sure she’s doing the best she can.’ Unbelievable.”

“If she wants to treat a cashier with dignity and respect, then she can keep it to herself,” concluded Johnson.

Banks’ house was egged last night, likely by disgruntled citizens as a sign painted in ketchup reading “WE ALL HATE YOU, ALEESHA” would suggest. When reached for comment, Banks shared she was planning on hosting a neighborhood brunch, saying “Well, being in my clearest zen mind, I instantly saw an opportunity arise out of the broken eggs, and decided it would be a good idea to make some omelettes.”

TOP TEN

Ways to Increase Voter Turnout in the U.S. 10. “That’s a real nice house you’ve got, be a shame if something happened to it” 9. Change voting to more reflect style of America’s Got Talent 8. Install one of those crazy inflatable arm guys at every voting booth 7. Let convicted felons vote 6. Make minions the official mascot 5. If enough people vote, McDonald’s will bring back the McRib 4. Snapchat your vote using the Democratic or Republican geofilter 3. Free Amazon rime for six months if you vote 2. Make all undocumented citizens automatically able to vote 1. Present an actually electable candidate

Page 10

theMQ.org

September 22, 2015

Icebreakers Threaten Polar Cap

Study Reveals “Trigger Warnings” Infringe Upon Ability to Shoot Students

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

Not pictured in the lecture hall next door: Yosemite Sam and Wile E. Coyote with a couple of 12-gauges to finally stop that Road Runner dead in his tracks.

BY JAZ TWERSKY

Staff Writer new study released Friday from the organization People Intensely For Freedom of Lawless Execution (PIFFLE) recently revealed a new discovery — 82 percent of university professors feel that being expected to have trigger warnings in class is either “greatly inhibiting” or “partially inhibiting” their ability to shoot their students.

Several PIFFLE members have reportedly expressed their excitement about the results of the study, including PIFFLE spokesperson Hunter Gunterson, who stated, “Ha! So there!”

Trigger warnings are a radical new concept that has been sweeping the nation in the past few years: warning people ahead of time before opening fire on them. The concept has been gaining ground in activist circles, but is still particularly controversial in two realms: academia, and law enforcement.

A group of supporters of trigger warnings in educational environments, called the Society Against Violent Educational Methods and Exhibitions (SAVEME), contends that they give students “a tiny sliver of a fighting chance to survive in a world which already threatens to destroy them in a multitude of ways, from metaphorically slowing rotting their souls to physically crushing their bodies beneath great weights.”

The mission statement of SAVEME reads “We hope to provide a safe learning environment for students, or at least, as safe as one can expect in this world of disease and mayhem and death, which, sure, isn’t a lot of safety, but hey, look, we’re not the one’s trying to shoot your kids alright? God, I can’t believe we’re still arguing about this.”

This concluded the mission statement.

Last June, SAVEME released

A PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

The heat emissions produced by this icebreaker reach the equivalent of 16 Hummers doing donuts at maximum speed.

BY EVVAN BURKE

Copy Editor he University of California, San Diego, though once known for being an environmentally friendly campus, has over the last several years become the leading producer in one environmental hazard: social pollution. This news has arrived following an internal review of campus social climate, conducted yearly by the Environmental Science Department, who “just want to conduct something for once.”

In order to address the issue before Welcome Week this year, environmentalists are taking steps to raise awareness about the negative effect our increased reliance on icebreakers can have.

"20 or 30 years ago, when icebreakers were mostly used in recreational pick-up lines, the effects were sustainable,” environmental scientist Rebecca Hue said during a “Sustainable Campus” photoshoot. “But with the rise in group interaction,

T

places like UCSD become breeding grounds for awkward, clumsy, environmental chaos."

“Something has to be done,” Hue emphasized before posing for a picture with the dean beside one of the university's “very functional” recycling bins.

Social pollution occurs when poor interpersonal interactions cause biological systems — like human bodies — to adversely affect their surrounding environment in a desperate attempt to escape the situation. Similar to a trapped animal chewing off its own leg or a captive dolphin drowning itself in a wading pool, there’s evidence to suggest these reactions are related to stress. During icebreakers, and other mismanaged introductions, social pollution can reach its peak production through increased sweating, the generation of hot air, and the release of toxic gases which gather in isolated regions like the polar cap, stressing the lo-

cal environments.

The exact level of this stress has been, until recently, difficult to quantify. Hubert Jones, a climate change expert recently banned from Congress for using a reusable water bottle, explained that the combined toxins produced during UCSD's Welcome Week are equal to approximately "10,000 polar bears, the scientific number known for being enough to break the ice."

Despite his metaphor, Jones wanted to emphasize that climate change is, in fact, decimating the polar bear population.

While research into the effects of social pollution are still ongoing, Jones supported the work done by UCSD to curb the social/ environmental nightmare that is Welcome Week, saying, “Icebreakers are only the third largest source of social tension, behind tangential arguments on Facebook and one person in a group

of friends saying something really racist. While it’s a positive step forward, I can't support UCSD’s program unless it works to alleviate one of the worst causes.”

In order to shrink UCSD’s footprint, Jones suggests that group facilitators “Avoid abstract questions, like 'what's your real life super power' or 'what kind of fruit are you?'

Anything that people can’t come up with an easily shareable answer to in seconds or which might inspire overthinking.”

“And never, ever make people explain their answers.

Trying to justify an answer is when 95 percent of hot air emissions occur. If someone wants to say they're a pomegranate, just let it be. But again, it’s really more important that—" Welcome Week festivities begin September 20th with the All Campus Dance, famously known for being “not awkward” and “not a place people puke.”

JUDAISM 2.0 Judaism today isn’t what it used to be. In older days, anyone could shvitz all day long, schmoozing with every mensch or schlemiel until the Romans came and burned their temple down. But in this day and age the average observer is tempted with the coolest new prophet from this religion, or the flashiest prayer book from that one.

Solar-powered yarmulke

Every Jewish person now comes with the ability to turn people into salt pillars.

New extra strength batteries – For when you thought the battery would last but for one night.

That’s why we’re proud to present Judaism 2.0, the lightest and fastest religion ever. Solar-powered yarmulkes, self-driving arcs, and over 50 mbps (mega-bar mitzvahs per second) are just the start.

Integration of Gabriel’s Cloud™ allows you to keep track of your favorite angels and messiahs wherever they go.

Ten Commandments now come on stunning 1080p, retina display stone tablets.

Now introducing Judaism 2.0.

Not your bubbe’s Judaism.

Circumcisions are now optional! This little detail was actually a typo that our patchers hadn’t caught the first time around.

Available in silver, gold, space grey, and rose gold

Don’t believe the new Judaism is greater than ever? Sniff these numbers and tells us they’re not kosher.

“Now with over 30 percent more mitzvahs!

Perform them all!”

“We’ve reduced the required Passover traditions by 85 percent to create a more ergonomic holiday experience”

“We can’t make your grandmother stop asking you when you’re getting married, but we can promise you 100 percent believer satisfaction!”

137% 100%

100%

100%

100%

15%

Regular Judaism

Judaism 2.0

Regular Judaism

Judaism 2.0

Regular Judaism

Judaism 2.0

a landmark study showing that not only do schools which adopt trigger warnings have notably higher survival rates, they also have notably lower transfer rates. Both the methodology of the SAVEME study and the meaningfulness of the results have been the subject of heated debate.

PIFFLE now believes its new study has refuted the SAVEME study. Gunterson said “Our new study is an important part of debunking that ridiculous excuse for a study put out by SAVEME last year. Did you see that thing? It wasn’t even in Times New Roman! How incompetent can you get?” The study was printed in Cambria, a font similar to Times New Roman, and the title was in Helvetica.

Gutterson continued, “The PIFFLE study is entirely in Times New Roman 12-point font, double spaced, as it should be. We respect academia. Piffle. We won’t let that happen.” (Note: later reports suggest that Gutterson might have instead stated “PIFFLE. We won’t let that happen. At press time, he was being contacted for clarification).

The PIFFLE study includes qualitative and quantitative data, along with many anonymously quoted professors. One professor, strongly against trigger warnings, reported “Goddamn socialists think they can tell people how to teach. Next thing you know they’ll be trying to take our guns away altogether and giving all professors scripts to read from.” However, another, who rated themselves as “moderately in favor of trigger warnings,” said “It’s not as if we’re cops. There basically aren’t even black kids in the classrooms. Maybe we should give the university students a break, make classrooms safe spaces.”

Gunterson responded to the remark, “as we always say to that sort of thing, piffle [sic].”

TOP TEN

Ways to Solve The Migrant Crisis 10. J.J. Abrams needs at least 1000 extras for "Star Wars: Episode VIII" 9. "Did you know that Subway caters for relatively cheap?"

8. Pray really hard 7. Invade Syria — “It’s going to be a cakewalk into Baghdad … no wait, I mean whatever the capital of Syria is” 6. Send them to Iran 5. Tell Barack Obama he needs to hurry up and finish his game of Risk with Angela Merkel 4. Teach them goddamn English 3. Retweet for the refugees 2. "Does anyone know calculus?"

1. Increase funding for public education to teach them real world skills, and turn them into productive citizens of the modern age

September 22, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 11

Start-Up to Launch First Sex Toy Made “For Men, By Men”

Woman Cured Of Xenophobia Experiences Relapse After Watching Evening News

BY RILEY D. MALLORY

MQ Mom an Diego based Start-Up Intechuline announced on September 12th that its product, the Bate-nSwitch, will hit shelves by early October 2015. The product, marketed as “The First Sex Toy for Men, by Men” first made waves at the recent Consumer Electronics Show. It was designed by Intechuline to be “A full body sexual experience, meeting every one of a man’s sexual needs.”

“It’s so much more than just a sex toy,” said COO Eric Anderson in their center stage announcement. “We’re done just objectifying women. The future is making objects into women, and we are on the cutting edge of that.”

“We thought, you know, for too long the sex toy industry for men interested in women has been dominated by female run companies.

We sat down at the drawing board and thought of what makes the perfect woman.

And Johnny stands up and says ‘Bro, she’s GOT to have double-D breasts!’ And I go ‘You’re damn right she’s got to!’ and that broke the ice and we all just got rolling,” said Anderson of Intechuline’s design process.

The final model is slated to feature double-D breasts, a 14” waist, 43” hips, an oversized mouth, long nails made of aircraft grade aluminum for increased durability, one larger thigh and one slender thigh — to fit a variety of preferences for curves — and six to eight tongues arranged in a circular pattern, depending on whether one purchases the deluxe model.

Users may also unzip the skin covering, revealing the whirring mechanical creature underneath, in order to switch between a variety of realistic skin tones, included

S

PHOTO BY JEN WINDSOR

Brunswick decided her best chance of beating the octopus would be to wait until it suffocated from lack of water.

BY HANNAH ROSENBLATT

PHOTO BY RILEY D. MALLORY

“Oh, they put the charging port there? That’s, like, a weird philosophical commentary,” one Bate-n-Switch user said. free of charge, in just a few minutes. Consumer Electronics called it “A grotesque mockery of human life” and “Something I’m not personally interested in, but that I can see there being a real market for”.

“It’s really everything any woman should be or have,” said Anderson.

“And hey, some dudes like taking it, and that’s cool too,” said Greg Henley, President and sole member of the company’s R&D Department. “So we put in a cover, just over the pubis plate, and with one button press, it extends a hypoallergenic … well you know. We call it the Subtle-Extender.”

“The Bate-n-Switch is also programmed with a variety of context specific vocal cues, like ‘Your dick is amazing’, ‘Wow, your dick’, and ‘Oh my God, your dick, just… God,” said Henley.

“We don’t just want to make a sex toy for us,” said Thomas Whitmor, one of the company founders. “We want to make a product for bros of all shapes, sizes, colors, and so on. For tall-bros, short-bros, skinny-bros, fatbros, bros of every ethnicity, trans-bros, and any genderbro-fluids or a-bro-gendered bros.”

To this end, the Bate-nSwitch is slated to launch with features to make it more accessible to many different men, including a spinal extender that can adjust the units’ height from 4’8” all the way to 6’10” and a patented self-sizing vaginal band “for guys of all sizes.”

The project has not been free of roadblocks, according to Jake Walker. “It was really hard to dial in that self sizing band’s tension. There were some… bad times.

Also, we had a problem for a long time with the SubtleExtender module. You know, taking it is still an interest a lot of bros are embarrassed by, so we’d put a really strong spring on it in order to be able to retract the dildo really fast in case you get walked in on.”

“Problem was, we couldn’t figure out how to reduce the force of the spring when it was extending it, and it had a tendency to… break off of it’s mounting. And kind of fire through whatever’s in front of it, including walls or a human sk-“ said Walker, before staring out the window for a long time.

He never finished the sentence; however, rumors claim that on the housing of the first prototypes extender casing is carved “Rest in Peace Schmidty. Phi Sigma in life, Phi Sigma in Heaven.”

GOLD BRIEF PAPER AREA WOMAN’S DREAM INTERNSHIP AT PORNHUB & JERRY'S ENDS Area Student Karen Lendel bade farewell to her internship, which she described as “a dream,” as a quality control agent in the recently integrated PornHub & Jerry’s company.

Lendel’s position came from the recent acquisition of the online pornography juggernaut PornHub by ice cream manufacturer Ben and Jerry’s. In explanation for their seemly strange acquisition, co-founder Ben Cohen found a variety of ways to work the phrases “horizontal integration” and “synergy” into a sentence.

In order to keep costs low, the quality control departments of PornHub & Jerry’s were merged. Many employees, unwilling to subject themselves to the “vile, unsavory nature” of ice cream manufacture, quit. As such, PornHub & Jerry’s began offering internships for college millennials, “The laziest generation, who are also coincidentally willing to work long hours for no pay.”

Little has changed in the public facing sides of PornHub & Jerry’s, with some minor exceptions. “Some of it is subtle, like Chubby Hubby has the same name and everything, just a different sort of vibe to it. And sometimes, when the shredded masseuse arrives to oil her up, the lady will be eating out of a branded pint container.

Sometimes it’s more specific, like the gay porn where the one guy puts his dick in some rocky road.”

HUNGARIAN MAN DIES MOVE-IN DAY OVERPERFORMING ROSHADOWED BY “MOM MANIAN DEADLIFTS, LITERALLY BEING SO REKINDLES NATIONANNOYING” ALISTIC FEUD At move-in day for Muir Strife rocked the small town of Nadlac earlier this month when renowned amateur lifter Janos Koszegi died while performing Romanian deadlifts in Nadlac’s premier gym, Gabor’s Haus of Work Muscles. Situated on the border of western Romania and Hungary, Nadlac has become a target of the international spotlight by reigniting the feud between the two countries.

Coverage of the incident varies wildly across the border. According to a Hungarian newspaper, “Koszegi was a beloved man, and while it is unfortunate that this accident occurred, the fact that he was killed by Romanian deadlifts was hardly surprising, as Romanians are known to be difficult to work with.”

A Romanian newspaper rebutted that "the injuries [Koszegi] sustained were more likely due to his dumb hairy hands being too greasy to hold the bar.”

Tensions continued to rise as both countries launched increasingly aggressive slander at the other, with Romania accusing Hungary of being a “sore loser,” and Hungary countering that Romania was still upset about briefly losing Transylvania. Transylvania responded, “nations rise and fall, and the petty squabbles of mortal men continue to produce rivers of salty blood. So we have seen and so it shall be until the end days.”

College last Saturday, incoming freshman Randy Culvers officially commenced his college experience and, accompanied by his family, thousands of other students, and their families, took a major step toward the independent college experience.

“It could have been a pleasant memory,” remarked Culvers. “It was something I had looked forward to for a while, but, as usual, my mom had to make it awkward.”

Culvers stated that his mom tallied 15 instances of unprompted crying, eight forced introductions with other freshman, and 32 “questions that we all knew the answers to, but that she wanted to ask just to make an impression on the administration.”

“I briefly mentioned this one girl, Ashley, who I thought was kind of cute.

Well, before I knew it, my nosey mom barged down the hall and invited Ashley and her whole family to an early dinner at Denny’s.

“I should have never invited mom to come,” Culvers mumbled. “She’s killing my vibe. She argued with me about what comforter to buy at Bed Bath and Beyond for two hours before she decided Target's selection was better.”

At press time, Culvers and his mother were crying uncontrollably as the car arrived to take his family to the airport.

MAJOR CAR MANUFACTURER CHANGES MODEL NAME TO “GMC MCKINLEY” Earlier this month president Obama officially restored the name of the United States’ highest mountain from Mount McKinley to the original Mount Denali. In staunch political opposition to the move, American car manufacturer GMC stated in a public comment that they would be changing the name of their star truck from Denali to “GMC McKinley”.

“This president has spit in the face of everyday Americans too often. One of our founding fathers, 25th President McKinley didn’t beat back those taco-eaters in Manila Bay 1898 so that a great landscape can be given away to some Little Voting Capital Big Ego chief,” GMC executive Dan Ammann stated.

The mountain, which was originally named Mount Denali, has been listed on all official and federal documents as “Mount McKinley” since 1980.

“I don’t have a problem with Native Americans,” Ammann continued, “but it’s very indicative of this socialist freedom-hater to change his mind on critical issues.

You know what he is? He’s an Indian Giver!”

GMC officials did not back down or apologize for their offensive comments, but instead doubled down on them. At press time, GMC announced that anyone applying to finance a GMC car must provide proof of proficiency and fluency in “The Queen’s English.”

Content Editor labama Resident Carrie Brunswick, 73, reportedly suffered from a severe xenophobia attack last Friday evening after returning to her home from a 32 year-long stay in recovery programs aimed at preventing such attacks.

Brunswick's family members became concerned after Brunswick began rushing around the house attempting to barricade all of the doors and windows while humming the theme song from “Leave It to Beaver.”

Brunswick developed chronic xenophobia in the mid-sixties, when she began to fear that her Russian neighbors were “just waiting to burst into my house with the dirty hammers they always carried and chop up my well-groomed rose bushes with those sickles I know they were hiding in their communal garage.”

Doctors, upon first examining Brunswick’s case in 1967, were unable to cite the origin of these irrational fears, and assigned her to a recovery program at Liberty Oasis Psychiatric Center in Birmingham, Alabama. Brunswick reportedly appeared to make a speedy recovery after being isolated in Liberty Oasis for a little over a week. However, she suffered from relapses on multiple occasions during attempted releases, exhibiting behaviors ranging from wearing an American flag as a cape to, more recently, trying to burn down a local Mexican Restaurant.

After regaining her composure at Liberty Oasis, Brunswick described the most recent incident.

“I was just sitting at home and flipping through news channels when I started to get an uneasy feeling. There's just so many ethnic people nowadays, it gives me the chills. One moment, I was watching a report on the current state of Iran. But the next, I saw those ISIS people drilling through the wall from East Germany right into my backyard so that they could launch their plot to get rid of

A

all the hamburgers and hot dogs in America.

“I just knew at any second they would start making us wear black robes as they slowly morphed into giant, red, commie octopuses trying to reach their sticky, rapidly industrializing tentacles all over my blue morning glories.”

When asked if she knew of anything that could make her more at ease, Brunswick responded: “I just wish Obama would hurry up and build that giant wall everyone on the news is talking about before Stalin helps the Mexicans invade us and rip out all of the job-listing pages from our newspapers.”

The possibility of finding a more permanent cure for Brunswick’s condition has been puzzling psychologists and doctors alike since she was diagnosed. However, her main psychologist, Matt Sharif, is investigating several likely therapies that could calm her and prevent her attacks from escalating, including massaging her ear lobes and listening to punk rock.

Brunswick is currently undergoing further psychological testing, and Liberty Oasis is seeking new psychologists to look at her case; however, Sharif reported it has been difficult to find someone new that Brunswick is comfortable with. He explained, “we have recruited the top psychologists from all corners of the globe, including China, Mexico, Somalia, and Iraq, only to have them driven off by Mrs. Brunswick screaming about ‘global trade balance’ and ‘Sharia law.’”

Sharif at Liberty Oasis is currently planning to try and more slowly ease Brunswick into a normal, newswatching lifestyle, and has equipped her room with cable TV, which she is encouraged to watch regularly to stay up to date. However, as an added precaution, news segments are accompanied by gentle ear rubbing and punk music, in an attempt to follow the classical conditioning methods Liberty Oasis staff learned reading “A Clockwork Orange.”

Photographers needed, preferably with no opposable thumbs.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 12

theMQ.org

ate d p U n ratio

The FDA aims to ensure the health and safety of the American public. Below is information on recent updates and discoveries the FDA feels should be announced. Please read this information carefully, as it includes necessary precautions to take in order to prevent consumption of harmful products. Also, remember to show your support for the FDA in the Inter-Governmental Agency soccer league. We have a tough match against the IRS this weekend that will determine whether we move to the quarter finals.

t

inis m d A g d Dru n a d o Fo

September 22, 2015

Signed Stephen Ostroff, M.D. Acting Commissioner of FDA

Recent Product Recalls 1.

Female Viagra: It was mistakenly approved for creating erect

vaginas. We don’t know how that happens either.

2.

Cool Blue Jello: It was supposed to be red. Further investiga-

New and Improved Artificial Food Pyramid

tion needed.

3.

You: Because it’s the first week of college, and your mom

works in the FDA, and why don’t you ever call home? I’ve

Five Gallon Jug of Protein

been recalling you for the last hour.

4.

Orange Juice: More like Tropican’ta.

5.

of in a convenient powder!

with different sources of caf-

feine. Drink tea and coffee for

Marcus.

more mild days, and upgrade to

Brand-Name Lozenges: Recalled. Must be sent back. Rii-

Red Bull if you feel like you need

iiiiicolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Riiiiiiiiiiiicalleddddddddddd.

Food Dyes

an extra boost.

2015 SAT French Subject Test: Page unintentionally left

blank.

8.

All you could ever need to live off

Fulfill all of your energy needs

Non-Alcoholic Beer: Contained more than 3 percent alcohol.

7.

Powder

Caffeine

We’re sorry that your 90-day token means nothing now,

6.

In order to keep up with the fast-paced food industry, we have modified our recommended food pyramid. This pyramid is aimed at the average American trying to buy groceries in a modern world.

Should be consumed in equal parts

Red 40, Yellow 5, and Blue 1 in order to maintain normal-colored feces.

The Rich, Chocolatey Layer

Medical Marijuana Strain “Platinum Cookies”: According to

FDA agent Thompson, “Nah man it’s real bad, I’m just gonna take this and uhh … uhh … throw it out.”

9.

Fruit-Shaped Candies

12-Ounce Porterhouse Steak with Marsala Sauce from the

12.

Kale: Advertised as superfood when it’s just a pretty okay food.

sulfame, they are perfect for that

Fill your carb and cheese needs

Nut allergy sufferers beware.

BBQ, thai, margherita, and pizza

START Google how to address and send a paper letter, since the FDA does not yet have an email address

If FOOD-RELATED complaint

Is the food past its expiration date?

You have no grounds for a complaint. The FDA expects consumers to check the dates on all of their food and have the common sense to not eat them if it’s rotten

through a not-very-long day.

with ham.

We Want You! Submit a Complaint to the FDA Today.

If YES

short energy burst needed to get

with a variety pizzas, such as

Water: Wrong ingredients listed.

Call the FDA Headquarters to notify them you are making complaint. Press 1 for Latin, 2 for Esperanto, or 3 for Braille

modified corn syrup, and ace-

Pizza

Batch of Peanut Bags: Contained packing peanuts. FDA

advises to open your next few Amazon packages with care.

modified corn syrup, invert

system.

rare. Do you think this is a game?

11.

Including saccharin, corn syrup,

of vitamins and juices into your

Herringbone: We definitely said medium-rare and this is

10.

Substitute Sweeteners

Be sure to get a healthy amount

At the FDA, we value your feedback, and depend on you to notify us with problems in our products that affect the safety and health of Americans. If you have a complaint to file with the FDA about a product you believe should be recalled, please follow these simple steps:

Fill out the FDA Application, and be sure to include 3 letters of recommendation from previous employers, a 1000-word essay on who your biggest inspiration is, and a vine compilation of all of the side effects you wish to report

Send letter by horse-drawn carriage to FDA headquarters, and tell driver to throw a brick with your application attached through the thirdstory window

If NO

If DRUG-RELATED complaint

Have you tried taking Cialis for at least two months to reverse the negative effects?

If YES

Confirm that you/subject spent a minimum of four hours over the toilet in consequence of poisoning from the food. If the time is under 4 hours, your complaint will be rejected

Validate that the symptoms you are reporting are consistent by testing the drug in question on at least 150 healthy, middle-aged individuals with no preexisting heart conditions or histories of skin cancer.

Donate a left kidney to help offset the cost of processing your claim

Have articles on the topic published in “Science,” “Scientific American,” and “The Rolling Stone.” Then we’ll talk

If NO

Cialis is a well-tested drug capable of alleviating a wide variety of problems. Ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.

Submit a secondary description of the complaint in a non-confrontational way. Please use only “I” statements. It really hurts us when you say “you”

If approved by the Board of Trustees, the complaint will be forwarded to the FDA Committee of Complaints

Once received by the Committee of Complaints, the complaint will be submitted to the FDA Board of Trustees

This message has been brought to you by

U.S. Food and Drug Administration Protecting and Promoting Your Health