The MQ Volume 22 Issue 3 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.” — Dr. Ben Carson

Good thing A.S. left us just enough money for this MEGAPHONE.

December 2, 2015

Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats

Volume XXII Issue III

In This issue U.N. Ethics training to bring world peace

trump tries burrito, decides mexicans can stay

leaked intel on u.s. involvement in syria

6,7

a-z answer choices fix public education Jonas stars in “Brokeback Mountain” remake

9 11

News in Brief Did you know that if you fold up the goat just right, it looks like Queen Elizabeth is frowning? BY MATT OLSON Staff Writer

n order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials have reported the transi-

tion was relatively smooth, partially because they chose such a plentiful main currency. As government spokesperson Gabriel Sakellaridis explained, “Well, Greece already had enough goats around to change to the new system practically overnight, so that seemed like the most logical option.”

The change has not been easy for Greece’s economic institutions. Due to the size difference between a euro and a large, healthy, billy goat, many of the country’s banks have undergone rapid construction in order to house the several thousand goats. “Safety deposit boxes are ultimately useless now,” ac-

PHOTO By katherine wood

cording to a bank manager. “I mean you could probably fit a goat inside one if you really tried, but generally speaking, that’s a high risk, low reward strategy.” Many banks have been able to lower costs by feeding the goats with the old

See goats, page 2

Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan By Katherine Wood Publicity Editor

ffice manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as his second this week. Bush — whose campaign slogan was recently changed by his campaign managers — can currently be heard sighing heavily from down the hall. Bush, to the ever-increasing dismay of his staff, has reported in great detail a number of episodes of depression over recent months about the “slogan formerly known as ‘Jeb!’” While the rest of his staff have described themselves as having moved on, Bush noted some personal challenges with the process. “The absence of ‘Jeb!’ in this office can only ever remind me of the grand folly of our human existence where all we love is inevitably taken from us,” the once chipper politician bellowed from the conference room. Chavez originally presented the situation to employees as an opportunity for the presidential hopeful to appear more relatable and in-touch with the emotions of the everyday man. However, as it became clear that Bush was no closer to making peace with his new slogan, employees ceased treating it as “just a phase.” Office secretary Nick Brown said he has become resigned, noting that

backpacks Lack Tact When Used in Sack Recent feedback on the rucksack sex act reveals the sad sack fallback is a drawback. Once popular in the time of smokestacks and railroad tracks, the act recently made a surprising comeback after Jack Black broke his back. After seeing a quack, Black began wearing the pack in the sac to realign his back and saw it counteract his hurting back. He began to tout the act to his claque by releasing a tract called “The Jack Backpack Aphrodisiac Throwback.” Once the almanac got rave feedback, he began to transact packs called “Jack Black’s Comeback RuckSack” in the colors of

lilac, cognac and soot black. But all was not right for Black’s compact paperback. As people yakked about the act’s lack of tact, it was smacked for being an artifact like sex in kayaks. The attack is a setback for those who need the pack to realign their backs, as well as those who like the sack for holding their Prozac, ice packs and crackerjack. Black was taken aback and began to fall back to avoid attack, but has said he will not slack after this setback, and will get payback for those who sacked his nymphomaniac power pack sex act.

Facebook debuts Second-Order Read Receipts, You’re the Asshole again

PHOTO By trev malone

Jeb later requested that his campaign slogan be changed to, “Why fix it? Why fix anything? We’re all going to die.” “The novelty of these episodes has really worn off, but the chilling despair is just as harrowing as ever.” This morning’s onset of melancholy is thought to be caused by the viewing of a YouTube “Jeb 2016” campaign compilation that featured a clip of a marching parent holding a toddler wearing a onesie with “Jeb!” printed on it. Campaign manager Danny Diaz explained that the new slogan “Jeb Can Fix It” was adopted after a vote in which Bush was defeated. Bush, disgruntled at the thought of abandoning the exclamatory “Jeb!” slogan, promptly decided to tattoo an “!” on his forearm.

Bush explained, “The ‘!’ serves as an ever-present reminder of that young boy I was just a few short months ago — a boy who found joy in the small things in life. If only I could regain that unadulterated appreciation for the everyday, or feel the simple, naive joy that that exclamation point once held for me.” “We began re-evaluating the slogan after staff expressed concerns about being able to sustain the emotional energy required to convincingly exclaim ‘Jeb!’ for the remainder of the campaign cycle,” Diaz said. “As my daughter Kayley — recently elected seventh Grade Class President at Loyola Middle School — knows,

you’ve got to keep your supporters happy for long the long haul, especially if you want to get the votes from Savannah’s lunch table.” Diaz went on to say that “Jeb Can Fix It” just kind of “fell into place,” after a fortunate burst of inspiration from his daughter’s successful “Kayley Can Solve That” campaign. He also noted that a platform point of guaranteeing pizza and bottomless chocolate milk every Friday in the auditorium was in the works. At press time, Jeb Bush was explaining to anyone within speaking distance that “Jeb Can Fix It” reminds him we’re all broken on the inside.

“Oh sorry”

“I’ll meet you at the beach”

“I didn’t see you there”

“I’ll be wearing red”

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg introduced a wave of new features to the website last week, chief among them what he’s calling “second order read receipts.” “This will fundamentally revolutionize the way we communicate,” Zuckerberg stated during a speech made to hungry, dead-eyed interns. “Until this point in history, humans have only been able to know when the messages they sent were read, but no longer. With the SORRs, now you’ll also be able to know when your friends checked if you’ve read the messages they sent.” Primary reactions to the feature’s release were gener-

ally positive, with one member of the millennial community hailing it as “just the thing Facebook was missing. This new piece of meta-information will go perfectly with the kale smoothie I have every morning.” However some were not pleased. “I saw Brian check whether or not I read his message, like, six times before I actually read it,” commented a different 20-something, “talk about clingy.” Facebook hasn’t made an official statement concerning their users’ reactions, but are currently making no plans to put an end to the continual embedding, reportedly working on creating read receipts for logging on to the site.

Officials Propose Cancellation of Sun God Cancellation Proposal The Sun God Festival’s team, along with Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Juan Gonzalez, met this month to discuss the future of proposals to permanently cancel UCSD’s Sun God Festival. ASCE officials proposed major changes to the format of Sun God-cancellation proposals, citing the fact that they have not made meaningful progress towards cancelling Sun God, despite years of efforts. “The administration promises to make Sun God nonexistent every year,” said one official, “but with

the lack of progress in enacting these changes, it’s really hard to justify the continuation of this tradition in its current form.” Some ASCE officials proposed a cancellation of proposals to cancel Sun God altogether. The Vice Chancellor disputed such measures, saying “Proposing to cancel Sun God is a UCSD tradition, and while the scope of these proposals may have to be reduced, we fully intend on keeping this tradition intact for future generations.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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December 2, 2015

U.N. Institutes Ethics Training, Solves All World Problems

“Hey, hey, psssst! Hey, what did you get for ‘name’?” one participant asked the other. By Jaz Twersky

Staff Writer

n a sweeping gesture of global leadership, the United Nations General Assembly has unilaterally decreed that every single person in the world must now undergo an online ethics training tutorial. President of the General Assembly Mogens Lykketoft announced that “This resolution is expected to solve all interpersonal conflicts, both between countries and between individuals. As a result of this quick and easy 20 minute mandatory tutorial, everyone will now know how to behave properly!” He compared this resolution to A/RES/51/210, “Measures to Eliminate International Terrorism,” another resolution that solved a major world problem in one brief paper. The resolution, formally titled A/RES/69/666, was passed by a large majority member states; Secretary General of the UN Ban Kimoon said that the mere fact

that so many countries voted for it “proves that it’s a good measure and that world government is doing what it’s supposed to be doing effectively.” He added that since the two countries that often disagree came together on this measure, it was obviously going to pass. When pressed on which countries he was talking about, since the General Assembly has representatives from every single country that exists on Earth, including Turkey and Kurdistan, Israel, and Palestine, the Republic of China, the People’s Republic of China, and Tibet, and Sudan, and South Sudan, Ki-moon clarified that he was talking about New Zealand and Nigeria. Lykketoft explained that the ethics tutorial would cover such topics as “Why War is Bad,” “Ways That You Can Resolve Problems Without War,” “Why Human Rights are Good,” and “Why the Noise of Nails on a Blackboard is Cruel and Unusual

Punishment.” The tutorial will also cover such topics as “Why It is Important to Say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’” and “Why It’s Still Plagiarism if You Don’t Properly Cite Your Sources.” This worldwide tutorial was based on the integrity tutorial used at the University of California, San Diego. Lykketoft said, “We were so impressed by the example set by UCSD in their highly effective program, which immediately solved all problems on campus as soon as it was instituted, that we decided to imitate their stellar example.” “In order to ensure maximum compliance with our binding ruling, we compressed the crucial information into a short PowerPoint, with fun interactive graphics featuring a variety of diverse characters attractively presenting each concept in an inviting and welcoming manner!” Lykketoft said. These characters include Arty, the No-Torture Aardvark, Fran, the Friends-Not-Foes Flamin-

PHOTO By connor GorrY

go, and Willy, the AppendageWashing Whale. Although it was not ultimately adopted, an earlier proposed version of the tutorial included the section “Why You Should Respect Women As People Too” but this was widely unpopular. The final version does not mention gender anywhere, except for two slides that are titled “For Women,” which cover childrearing and appropriate ways to dress. Men are not required to complete that part of the tutorial. There has been no word on whether nonbinary individuals are required to do that part of the tutorial as both Kimoon and Lykketoft evinced confusion at the question. Ki-moon says he’s optimistic about the precedent set by this resolution. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” he says. “Once we’ve taught them to be good people, maybe we can move on from there.” He has already begun drafting an upcoming resolution to teach everyone how to give excellent massages.

continued from page 1:

Goats

scraps of paper that they used to store. This new goat-centric economy has caused both troubles and opportunities for the rest of Greece’s businesses. Most of the country’s landscaping infrastructure has collapsed, as there are not many plants left that haven’t been eaten by the new currency. Conversely, Greece’s fencing industry has exploded, as every household in the country needs several hundred feet of fencing to properly house and feed their goats. A press release by the Economic and Social Council of Greece details some of the problems the country’s economists have faced recently. “It has been difficult to determine exactly how much a goat is worth. A goat in its prime, for example, may fetch several loaves of bread and the hand of my youngest daughter, while a goat that’s been already used for several transactions and may be missing several limbs could only be enough for a few old bagels and the hand of my older, less fertile daughter,” said George Papadopulos, a spokesman for the council. “Ultimately, we’re working on the honor system now.” Businesses are not the

only ones bothered by the new economy; the general population has some reservations about this new system as well. “I tried to buy an Xbox off a guy on CraigsAcropolist, but he wanted a quarter of a goat and I only had a full goat. I had to walk back to my town and talk to our butcher, Stavros, who was able to carve up my goat into smaller, more manageable goat parts,” said local woman Jamie Nikas. “Now I have to figure out what I can spend three-fourths of a goat on before it starts to decay in my money pen. It’s so inconvenient.” Due to the many hardships faced by the population, the economic council has drafted a new policy. According to a spokesman, “In this proposed system, each goat is represented by a simple piece of paper and those pieces of paper are traded around. In order to keep track of the physical goats, our plan is to herd them all into a central facility monitored by a government agency. That way all the public has to do is trade these papers around to each other.” “All in all it seems like a much better system, and really it’s surprising that no one has considered doing this before.”

Recreating sins of times past.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke

Publicity Editor.......................Katherine Wood Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Captain......................Uma Mahto Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Alon Ankonina Corina Cadiz Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Daniel Clinton Matt Cusolito Halle Davis Summer Davis Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan Connor Gorry

The name’s Quarterly. Muir Quarterly.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. While I always look forward to production, this one was harder for me to get through than most. I’m sure the fact that AS’s long-awaited reboot “Funding Freeze 2: The Re-Freezening,” was released the day before it started has something to do with it, but I also wonder if my body is trying to tell me that I can’t do this forever. But I have to say, if the specter of AS’s incompetenence is hanging over anyone else to the degree that it hangs over me, they’re certainly not showing it. Connor maintained his reputation as a virtual graphics factory. Cole G. was a content powerhouse, despite the mysterious disappearance of his phone. Hannah L., while claiming not to know anything about Cole’s phone, powered through illness and classes with unparalleled dedication. Meanwhile, Ingrid and Matt M. complemented Romelle beautifully, and Leo, Lauren, and Jaz copyedited with real style (get it?). As far as veterans go, Evvan and Jacob stayed determined through all the challenges they faced, and Jen set a new standard for both graphics editing and baked goods. I also want to thank everyone who submitted an ed app; I can’t wait to read them, and my cat back home can’t wait to rip them to shreds. But don’t take it personally; the only things that she doesn’t do that to are shirtless pictures of Ryan Gosling. What can I say; she has good taste.

Leo Grabowski Cole Greenbaun Joia Herbert Dylan Higelmire Chris Jin Arya Kaul Lauren Kirkbride Galen Krulce Chris Lee Ben Levin Hannah Lykins Parker Mace Ryan Maher PJ Marrymee

Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Jake Miller Andre Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Quinn Pieper Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg Hailey Schneider Nicoletta Skaggs Ingrid Sorensen

Boris Stepanyuk Matt Switzer Ann Tong Luke Tribble Irene Tsao Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Maddie Wilson Michael Ye

Booster Club Thanks to Barak for yet another much-needed shipment of soda, and Jen for some delicious cookies. Thanks to Leo for bringing Swedish Fish (and compensating for my eyes being bigger than my stomach) and Daniel for bringing Red Bulls and other exotic sodas from his strangely large stockpile. Thanks to Jacob, Hannah, and Luke for giving generously of their precious Dining Dollars. And thanks to Lawrence for resurrecting the Red Vines that I thought we had finally rid ourselves of forever, you bastard.

theMQ.org

December 2, 2015

Page 3

Actors In 50s “Too Young” to Play Opposite Women in 20s Official A.S. Notification of

Funding Cuts to UCSD Print Media Publications

Dear _____________, (UCSD Print Media Publication)

We are ________ to inform you (joyous adjective)

that your publication has been ______ed. (violent verb)

Although we value your __________, we (constitutional right)

feel that we are making the ____________ (adult-sounding adjective)

decision. PHOTO By jen windsor

Off screen, the director was heard complaining that the female protagonist has “really hit that point where she should only be playing the mother.” By Cole Greenbaun Staff Writer

ultiple actors in Hollywood have recently revealed that they were victims of ageism, being turned down for roles that were intended to be romantic opposites of young actresses because the actors were “too young.” Actor Antonio Banderas, age 55, has been very vocal on this issue, calling Hollywood producers “out-of-date” and “out-of-touch.” “It’s ridiculous!” Banderas said, “Imagine the humiliation of going in for a role and being told they want someone ‘more wrinkled’ and ‘more grizzled’ to be the romantic interest of Selena Gomez. It completely disregards all the hard work

against ageism that actors like myself have done.” Banderas was reportedly up for a role in the upcoming film “The Struggles of Man” as a financially struggling college student who falls in love with a wealthy upper-class girl to be played by Gomez. Banderas is not alone in this protest. Woody Harrelson, age 54, has personally called out producer Mel Benton for turning Harrelson away from a part because he wanted someone “Bob Barker-esque.” “He said I wasn’t ‘pervy’ enough to play opposite Kate Upton,” Harrelson said, “It’s outrageous! I’m a goddamn professional actor, I can do pervy! I’ve joined a Mommy and Me class to see women breastfeed before, and they tell me I can’t play pervy?”

Benton has been a producer in Hollywood for the past 40 years overseeing such hits as “Titanic,” “Titanic 2,” and “Tit-an-dick: The Titanic Porn Parody,” but Benton claims it’s not Hollywood but the audience that forces this ageism. “The audience doesn’t want just any beautiful, matured guy with acting ability,” Benton said, “They want old, speckled flesh against young nubile skin. They love it! Just look at Hugh Hefner, people would pay top dollar to watch him screw those 20-year-olds he lives with!” These actors have also been crying foul at what they call the “new wage gap.” According to action star Bruce Willis, these older actors are being paid less than younger up-and-coming actresses.

“I was paid only $1 million dollars for my latest movie ‘Vice’,” Willis said, “and this Jennifer Lawrence girl comes along and makes $20 million dollars for some movie starring her? I’ve been working hard in this industry for 35 years, and I’m making less than this kid who’s only been here for 5 years? It’s pure, blatant sexism, I tell you.” While these actors continue to fight against this “sexism” and “ageism” through angry rants and empowered letters, according to Harrelson the industry is slowly improving. “Roles have been scarce as of late,” Harrelson said.“But I have been getting more and more. I just got cast as Duke Ellington in an upcoming biopic, so the industry is getting better.”

means

intend

__________ your publication, and this (mafia term for kill)

decision was made after a ___________ (antonym to lengthy)

debate. In the name of transparency, we’d like to share with you the exact vote count. The

measure

passed

__________

(number that sounds pretty democratic)

__________. (Chargers’ score last night)

We are doing ________ of what we (percentage)

can to help you find alternative sources of _________. In the meantime, other funding

Bacon Found to Cause Cancer, South Secedes By Daniel Clinton

sources include: ________, _________, (local restaurant, preferably Denny’s)

(UCSD Bookstore)

___________, or pulling money out of your

Staff Writer

(Name of rich alumnus, like that GoPro guy)

_________. Or, look into other publishing (arbitrary bodily orifice)

mediums, such as ___________. (website generally used by twelve-year-olds)

To learn more, you can find our offi-

cial vote and statement in __________. If (UCSD publication that no longer has funding)

you have questions or concerns about this decision, please report them to ___________ (made up email address)

by ___________. Your feedback is ______ (date that was at least three days ago)

PHOTO By lauren kirkbride

Unsurprisingly, the BSA Congress’s constitution, much like their wigs, was bacon wrapped and baked at 350 degrees. Bacon States of America.” Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear commented, “I’m just glad we were able to be a part of this one. The great state of Kentucky had always felt left out since we missed the bus on the first secession.” The main objective of the BSA (Bacon States of America) is to “Make science a more democratic process to allow multiple viewpoints to be kept in consideration when choosing what research really means.” The first orders of business from the newly formed nation were to declare climate change a myth, fracking beneficial to the environment, and bacon an anticarcinogen. The declaration was made after a special ballot was held where voters were required to show their

birth certificate, their 1040A tax forms, and proof that they never graduated high school to ensure accuracy. Overnight the rampant bacon riots that once plagued research facilities and cost hundreds of lives were gone. The facilities parking lots were left eerily quiet as thousands of protesters went home, knowing a brighter future was secured by their actions. After observing this de-escalation, citizens of BSA were left asking how science could have been so reckless in its decision making. Currently, the BSA is attempting to spread its national message to a global audience. International relations between the new country and the world have been tense af-

ter BSA president Mitch McConnell ordered bacon to be dropped by drone on the Middle East. “I don’t understand what the big deal is. This is how international relations should be handled. I hope the Obama administration is taking notes.” “They did what?” blurted out White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest when asked for the White House’s stance on the debacle during a press briefing on Friday. “The United States does not condone the dropping of any foodstuffs on civilians.” During a speech on Saturday, Mitch McConnell reiterated that their secession was purely based on bacon rights and not a response to the current prospects of the Republican presidential nominees.

to us; every student’s opinions are _______ to us.

___________, Associated Students (obnoxious salutation)

(phone number starting with 555)

Ha! You flipped this over, you idiot!

n a recent controversiaI decision, a panel of experts ruled that eating processed meats such as bacon raises one’s risk of developing cancer. As the announcement swept the nation, a state of emergency was called in breakfast diners nationwide. Ann Marie, owner of Ann Marie’s Bacon Bar in Louisville, Kentucky remarked “First they come for our MSG, then they come for our Trans fats, and now they take our bacon. I don’t think I can keep fighting these atrocities alone,” as she crumpled into a ball, demonstrating preliminary symptoms of bacon withdraw. North Carolinian pig farmer Davis Street was seen protesting the ruling in front of a vegetarian restaurant. “After [the decision], the demand for my pigs has plummeted. My farm is overrun with pigs trampling my petunias. I tried building a fence, but there was just so many of them that they used each other as stairs. I fear if action isn’t made soon they will unionize and demand petunia trampling benefits.” Southern states most affected by the ruling moved fast to solve this abuse of power by Big Science. Initially they pushed for legislative change in the Bacon Protection Act. Though opposed by the massive Tofu lobby, the bill was quickly snubbed in the House by a 152-283 vote. Left with few options, the southern states made a drastic choice to ensure their inalienable right to cancer-free bacon. The original eleven states that left the Union in 1861 plus Missouri and Kentucky succeeded again, forming a new nation claiming to be “founded under ham, the

(silly synonym for money)

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theMQ.org

December 2, 2015

Donald Trump Tries Goody’s Burrito for First Time, Decides Mexican Immigrants Can Stay

EDITORIAL

Is It Just Me, or Is the Canadian Liberal Party’s Election Like the Quagga’s Extinction?

By Michael Ye

Staff Writer

ollowing Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased at the campus eatery Goody’s. Trump was engaged in dialogue with several UCSD students when he was persuaded to eat at the campus hotspot. It was a lifechanging experience for the 69-year-old Trump, who proceeded to proclaim it the “best meal [he] had ever eaten.” In his press conference Sunday, Trump announced that “authentic Mexican cuisine is an American treasure. We must preserve it with dignity because it is, without a doubt, a monumental upgrade over pizza and Chinese take-out. I was completely wrong about the Mexicans because their food has contributed so much to American society. If you haven’t had the Doritos Locos Taco yet, then you’re not a true American.” A representative from the Trump Organization added, “Our soon-to-be president has decided that immigrants and minorities have not actually been lazy. In fact, they have clearly been devoting their time and resources to creating some of the world’s most delicious dining options. In fact, the Trump Organization was so impressed by the quality of food served at UCSD’s Goody’s that we have offered to install a branch in every single one of our Trump hotels. We didn’t

By Dr. Ben Carson

Retired Neurosurgeon and Presidential Candidate

PHOTO By connor gorry

“They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good cooks,” Trump declared. know that Mexico was, in fact, sending the most delicious of the most delicious.” Jose Rojas, who works parttime at the establishment in question, spoke highly of the businessman, claiming that Trump “tried really hard to pronounce salsa” and “got through the entire ordering process without yelling or firing anyone.” Trump even offered to bring over my entire family as personal chefs to live in his penthouse. I told him we already had jobs and a home in the United States, but he didn’t really seem to understand.” Members of the right and the left are applauding this move for its creation of dozens of jobs as well as its generous

and philanthropic nature. At press time however, no one had the heart to inform the gleeful Mr. Trump that Rojas was the only Latino-American working at Goody’s or that Goody’s itself was named after Thurgood Marshall. In a surprising power shift, Trump’s new, progressive foreign policy has attracted hundreds of multimillion dollar corporations to his candidacy. The largely food-related conglomerates have made an effort to highlight the importance of Latino-Americans within their company cultures in their support for Trump’s new “Keep the Mexicans” initiative. Chipotle, for example,

has now considered hiring a Latino person, or at least, talking to one about their food. Next week, Trump will visit select areas in San Francisco to try the uniquely Chinese cuisine in the United States. Per Michael Chow of Panda Express, “The future president of America is very excited to give our Orange Chicken and fortune cookies a try and we are incredibly lucky to host someone with such global tastes.” Chow hopes that the MSG will convert the presidential candidate into a connoisseur of traditional East Asian food, and mostly-assimilated Asian Americans can finally get the recognition they deserve.

Area Man Shoots Down Drone, Declares Himself King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds By Lawrence Lee

Graphics Editor fter shooting down a neighbor’s drone hovering 25 feet above the ground in his front yard, local electrician and recreational firearm enthusiast Boris Knotwood leveraged his enforcement of his immediate airspace to appoint himself King of the Skies and Ruler of the Four Winds. “Kneel, subordinate, and bow before your new aerial overlord,” Knotwood, Son of Aeolus, proclaimed after the immobilized drone crashed onto his yard. “Henceforth you shall address me by my full title: King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds, Arbiter of All that Flies, God Unfortunately Constrained by the Bounds of Gravity.” Swift-triggered Knotwood had been reportedly sitting on his porch, polishing and performing routine maintenance on his Remington Model 870 pump-action shotgun, when he saw his neighbor’s drone approaching his property from across the street. “And indeed I did brandish my scepter,” heroic Knotwood said as he wildly waved the firearm, “this rod that empowers me to enact the justice of the winds. But the offender would not yield, would not relent, would not bow to my predestined jurisdiction! And then somewhere, I heard the gods calling from clouds above, and I knew my destiny was to come to fulfillment.” Masie Heller, the owner of the drone, was shocked at the righteous smiting of her drone. “I just wanted to fly my new drone around,” she said, peering at the punctured remains of her mechanical contraption in her neighbor’s yard. “I never

ormally, I would not associate myself with the quintessentially leftist and subversive media. However, given the severity of the political climate of our northern neighbor, I think it necessary for the various youths who frequently consume such literature to hear my passionate plea to heed the impending storm of liberalism that has just struck Canada. In light of the Canadian Liberal Party’s rise to power, I am reminded of an atrocity eerily similar in impact: the extinction of the quagga. The quagga was a subspecies of zebra that roamed the plains of modern-day South Africa. It was indeed a curious-looking beast: I can best describe it as a marriage of zebra and horse, with a golden brown coat and a white underbelly. Something about the quagga just draws me to it… In any event, the creature roamed the plains until Dutch settlers came during the 19th century with their insatiable desire for land and quagga fur for their designer Ik - k a n - g e e n - n e d e r l a n d s sprekens coats and their Ikben-het-maken-van-dezeals-ik-ga-mee trousers. By the 1880s, they were extinct. Can not you see? The parallels to the ails of our current predicament are stark in their portention. The quagga, in this case, is analogous to the nation that we Americans are proud to call home: a place where anybody can make it, lesser zebras and Ik-kan-

geen-nederlands-sprekens owners alike. The hunters, the invaders from the north, are an accurate representation of the Canadian liberal bourgeoisie that has seized the country and are attempting to distort the proper role of their government. And as hunters, once they deplete the resources of their own territory, they will no doubt turn their eyes to bigger targets. Perhaps they will find allies in certain prominent American political figures who already threaten the noble quagga, representing our last hope of conservative rule. Now, I propose a simple and effective remedy to this crisis that is two-fold. The first step is to better fortify the defensive capabilities of our border in curbing the spread of Canadian liberalism. Whereas lesser candidates would merely erect a wall, I propose the building of a vast army of laser-mounted moose. Furthermore, to allow the US to more effectively balance its budget, I suggest that said moose should be funded by Canada itself. The second step in this remedy begins after the moose army fortifies its position along the border. Our engineers can design — also with Canadian subsidy — a catapult-like device that can propel Americans over the moose’s front lines. Now, why send loyal Americans into enemy territory? To imbed themselves within the Canadian populace, gain their confidence, and use their influence to deconstruct the new government from within. It would require the ultimate sacrifice on their part — to forfeit their lives to the horrors of universal health care, the assault upon their ears of an institutionalized nonEnglish language, and the inhumanity of a cabinet in which women and men are represented in equal numbers. But their sacrifice will ensure the prevention of the cultural quandary of a world without the quagga — a world without America.

TOP Ten

Upcoming Alternative Energy Sources

PHOTO By Connor Gorry

Knotwood was reportedly heard singing to the clouds, “I can show you the world: bombing, freedom-ing, spleeeeendid.” intended to intrude on anyone’s property or get roped into the ascension of a new de jure crown ruler, but here we are. “Okay, so maybe I flew it a little close, and I admit that one could say it’s odd for there to be a very highdefinition video camera on it, but I wasn’t using it! At least not when that asshole shot it down,” she admitted. “Just look at my recorded footage from the drone! Here, it’s just hovering in his yard at a height that’s barely close enough to his house to invoke a questionable violation of privacy. And you can see he’s [glory-bound Knotwood] making breakfast through the window. It’s a perfectly fine morning, and then he

comes out to grab the paper or something and I immediately stop recording video. How is that possibly an offense punishable by death?” “I had seen the airborne disturbance in the morning,” lion-hearted Knotwood confirmed. “She’s lucky that I brought it upon myself to bequeath leniency for the first infraction, but alas — it was still there when I went out again later to care for my veritable gavel over the courts of the sky. I could not twice excuse the invasion of my home by that exemplary excuse for a flying pissant.” That night, the Lord Marshal Knotwood feasted and drank heartily in his home, with some of the dishes reportedly containing bits and

pieces of the dead drone’s internal electronics. During the revelries, neighbors adjacent to his house heard snippets of strong-winged Knotwood’s maniacal laughter and the occasional phrase that was described by the listeners only as “from a man drunk on power.” “I swear I heard him [allpowerful Knotwood] say: ‘This will grant me more airspace jurisdiction than you can ever imagine!’” said one neighbor, John Geary. “Did the King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds, Arbiter of All that Flies, and God Unfortunately Constrained by the Bounds of Gravity just eat drone parts to gain more power? I think he did.”

10. Plug two generators into one another for endless energy 9. Give internship credit to undergraduates for sitting around and spinning a wheel 8. Power a generator with heat from the 17 hot singles in your area 7. Add bangs and a moody attitude to all of our current energy sources 6. Turn the Tour de France into a stationary bicycle race, with electric generators hooked up to each bike 5. Point a light at a solar panel, and then power that light with energy from the solar panel 4. Convert your parent’s disapproval when you come home for winter break into electricity 3. The inevitable heat death of the universe makes a search for alternative energy sources futile 2. I hear Costco sells big packs of AA batteries for $15 1. Lunar panels: like solar panels, but worse

December 2, 2015

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Paid Family Leave Bill Passed After Cis Man Impregnated

POINT

The Mitochondria Is, in Fact, Not the Powerhouse of the Cell By nancy the nucleus

Disgruntled Organelle fter seeing so many test questions and textbooks reference such erroneous material like it’s no big deal, I feel a personal need to set the record straight. Contrary to popular belief, the Mitochondria is not all that great. Like, keeping up with a cell really is a team effort, and it’s pretty unfair to claim that any one organelle is the “powerhouse,” so to speak. Whether it’s cancer, a foreign toxin, or a yellow school bus full of screaming children, when something goes wrong, we organelles are all in it together. Honestly, I have no idea where this popular misconconception came from. It’s not like the Mitochondria contains all of the genetic instructions, regulates the transport of molecules, and is the sole reason genes can be passed down between generations. To be perfectly frank, I am the only reason Susie can roll her tongue and Jimmy can’t, and I’m responsible for ensuring your grandmother does not look like your Yorkshire Terrier, yet I for some reason don’t get any attention. I don’t get why everyone adores the Mitochondria. So

PHOTO By riley mallory

“Hey lady, could you get out of here please and take your amniotic fluid puddle with you? We’re trying to give birth here,” exclaimed the doctor. By Barak Tzori

Managing Editor verwhelming majorities in both the House and the Senate passed an amendment to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 last month, requiring employers to provide their workers with job-protected, paid leave for qualifying family reasons. The President signed this bill into law after a cisgender Colorado man named Len Amato successfully became pregnant. Thad Cochran, the senator who proposed the bill released a statement concerning its importance and timeliness earlier in the month. “No longer shall good, hardworking men like Mr. Amato be worried about losing their jobs when it comes time to take care of the child they birthed all by themselves. With this bill, we as a nation finally move into the 21st century and begin taking care of a large, yet unsupported group in our society.”

Since the law’s passing, numerous reports and analyses have come forth trying to measure its success. Different reports state varying numbers, but most seem to settle on between 20 and 30 thousand pregnancy benefits claimed, all by women. It is this last fact that disoriented and distressed some proponents of the law. “I’m confused and concerned,” alliterated Sen. Jeff Sessions. “I was sure men would take full advantage of this great service we’re providing them. It’s a sad day in America when full-grown men won’t tell their employers that they need a few weeks of pregnancy leave for fear of losing some respect among co-workers or a new promotion. And to that last point, personally I didn’t even know women could get pregnant. I’ll tell you what it is. They’re gaming the system.” In light of the gross imbalance between the sexes in terms of which group is tak-

ing advantage of the law, legislators have come together once again and passed an addendum, one they hope will further incentivize cisgender men to step forward after a pregnancy. “We’ve created an unprecedented coalition between business and government with this new addition,” beamed Cochran. “AT&T and Time Warner have agreed to provide free cable television for three months following a man’s pregnancy. Men across the nation now have the welldeserved luxury of being able to recover in comfort from the traumatic experience that is the circle of life.” It is too soon to tell what concrete results this addendum has fostered, but early trends show a rise in benefits claimed, yet still not one case of a man using the law. Sen. Sessions commented on the events, “I’m still bewildered and bothered. We’re doing everything we can to support these men in both

their family lives and careers, yet they still seem to be choosing the latter. I’m going to propose later this week a new addendum, endorsing that with every pregnancy, a small stipend of money be sent to the postpartum man. “But in all seriousness, where the hell are all these women getting children from? I swear the only logical explanation is that they sneak into infant wards at night and steal them, right from under the man’s nose. I can’t believe they would take advantage of the law like that.” Amato’s midwife, the woman who helped deliver the first child born to a man, commented, “I thought journalists were supposed to be smarter than this; God are men dumb. You and your stupid senators are the reason I’m able to watch the Food Network with my newborn. No, no, let me ask you a question. What hole exactly would the child have come out of? Goddamn idiots.”

Holiday Specials Program Guide December 3rd 2:00p.m.-3:30p.m.:

This sequel follows Frosty through a similar journey of friendships and selfpreservation as he attempts to establish himself in his new North Pole home, while also gradually melting into nothingness due to rising temperatures. However, this time his only hope of escape lies in Pepe the Polar Bear’s attempt to make a life supporting, temperature regulated space-craft with a self-sustaining engine and infinite power supply.

December 7th 4:00p.m.-5:00p.m.: After a brief multicultural lesson in how to say “Hi, how are you?” and “No, I like apple sauce with my latkes, not sour cream” in Yiddish, the much anticipated release of Buble’s new album will be met with a live jam session. Buble will reveal new predicted hits, including big band swing versions of “Oh Dreidel,” “Oh Chanukah,” and the bonus track “Chad Gadya,” so that the holiday spirit is sure to continue through Passover.

December 23rd 5:00p.m.-7:00p.m.:

For those less fortunate, we are bringing the joy of unwrapping presents right to your home! Join us as we present a two hour cut of the “best of” YouTube’s videos featuring children unwrapping their own presents.

December 31st 6:00a.m. - 11:59p.m.: Can’t get enough of the normal Ball-drop countdown in a mere one minute? Watch this extended-edition countdown where dedicated New Year’s fans and number enthusiasts begin the countdown on December 31st at 6:00 am, and keep the excitement going for all 64,800 seconds.

they may show off all that flashy ATP energy, along with their slimmer, more oval shape; so what?! It’s all a conspiracy! The textbooks purposefully make the Mitochondria a more beautiful color in the diagrams to trick you into believing their lies. I bet the Mitochondria is passing off some oxygen on the side (those people live for that stuff) as a kickback! I personally advocate for a reworking of the cell metaphor. A more accurate description, in my opinion, would be that of an infinitely complex, elegant supercomputer in charge of it all, supported by all its ribosomal wiring and encased in only the finest double plasma insulation. The Mitochondria would be the mere mouse running on a wheel in a corner keeping it on.

COUNTERPOINT

The Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the Cell By “biology concepts and connections”

Pearson’s 10th Edition Textbook s demonstrated in all 10 editions of high school and college Pearson general biology textbooks, scientific research has proven the Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. As seen in Figure 3.2, the Mitochondria is clearly producing all the energy that powers the cell (denoted by small lightning bolts), and if you look to Figure 3.3 you will find a diagram of a power plant which also produces energy (denoted by slightly larger lightning bolts). The parallels are undeniable and verifies that the Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Pearson is a dignified and world-renowned publishing company. To imply that this institution would ever print something inaccurate is almost as ridiculous as suggesting that the Mitochondria is not the powerhouse of the cell. If you are still having trou-

ble grasping these concepts, consider investing an extra 100 dollars in the Extended Edition of “Campbell’s Biology Concepts and Connections,” featuring a diagram with a more sophisticated power plant and more realistic lightning bolts. These improvements illustrate even more precisely that the Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. To be sure you understand this section’s key concept, try out this knowledge test: The Mitochondria ______. a. Is not all that important. b. Stores genetic material. c. Is the powerhouse of the cell.

TOP Ten

Differences between Your Shoes and Hillary Clinton’s Shoes 10. One pair belongs to a lying, corrupt politician, and the other belongs to Clinton 9. Yours are black and hers are a darker shade of black 8. Her shoes have their own email account 7. Your shoes aren’t responsible for the deaths of Americans in Libya 6. You put yours on one foot at a time 5. Your shoes weren’t made overseas 4. Yours are tied correctly. Made you look! 3. “Hillary, stop calling them the First Heels of the United States” 2. Yours are made of cement and sinking very quickly. You shouldn’t have opposed her foreign policy plans 1. Hers are probably better looking

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: Just Releifaiesded Documents

Class t in n e m e v l o v In . .S U Concerning Syria

These documents that our correspondent coincidentally and unintentionally stumbled upon detailed communications, planning, protocols, and guidelines among military personnel involved in the U.S response to the Syrian Civil War. It’s weird that these papers just happened to be left lying out in the open around various Department of Defense buildings and military bases that our unbiased, unaffiliated correspondant just happened to wander into at just the right time.

Recently Deployed

Abbreviated prof iles assigned to Opera of men and women recently tion Make-SyriaPlace. Although few in number, th A-Bettere commandos assigned to this op eration each have un that, when combi ned, can make a la ique skills rge impact. Necessary to ke ep meetings func tioning normally an d efficiently. Skill s include: respon ding to possible plan s with “what if we didn’t,” periodi cally coming into Meeting Facilitator meetings to wh isper in someone’s ea r so that they can the room, and provid lea ing unwavering en- ve couragement and ch eers of support tow ards commanding office rs who are making announcements.

Other Sp

ecialties: Expert at forming those really co ol acronyms fo r all standard missions.

Yossarian

Pilot who reveals the pointless, cyclical, and cruel nature of war by repeatedly requesting leave and observing various absurdities while on tour.

Other Spec

ialties: Becomin trapped in the complex bureau g perpetually cratic process of the US military , and wanderin g around lookin very confused g most of the tim e.

The Sweeper

Keeps all sand out of the barracks to ensure healthy living conditions. Job is extremely demandin g and requires consta nt vigilance and repeti tion after every gu st of wind or entry of personnel.

Other Specialt ies: He’s not bad with a mop either.

Strategist

In charge of st aying current on all Call of Duty traini ng and techniques to provide the lat est and most effect ive strategies.

Other Sp

ecia movies where A lties: Has watched all merica wins th e war. Is well informed abou t winning tech niques.

Has followed and frequently checks the #ISIS and #Assad feeds on Twitter. Head of Intel

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ecialties: Alway s wears an eyepatch over one eye. Is alway switch eyes wh s ready to en it suddenly gets dark and someone needs to be able to se e where to go and where the enemy is.

Guidelin e Active U .S. Soldsi for on Syria ers While n Soil

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-de-esc alate th 2. You e confl have to ict. stop ev one yel erythin ls “red light!” g you’r e doing as soon 3. Try as some to rem ain rela that yo xed. In u have times o a home f troub waitin le, g for y 4. If yo ou, unl always remem ike Syr ur team ian ref ber ’s losin ugees. g, it’s o kay to 5. Be su j u s t switc re h sides don’t w to turn the l . ights o aste ele ff when ctricit y here. you lea ve the 6. If yo base. W u happ e en to d help re estroy build i s o t, and t meone’s again. hen 20 sand ca years la ter com stle, make su re you e back and des troy it I have read an d agree to thes e guid elines.

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“Hey Dude, Hold My Beer”

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Ways to N De-Escal on-Violently ate Conf lict

1. Leave a passive -aggress ive note on the d oor. 2. Lock you the enem rself in a room with y and sw allow th Instruct e key. someone outside n let you o ot t ut until y ou’ve talk o this who ed le thing through . 3. If the ene they obv my is rushing a t you, iously ju st want a hug.

4. Both sides cre ate maca of the te roni art rritory t hey wou control, ld like to and then compare the over laps are w here and go f rom ther e. 5. Step 1: Move fr om bulle combat t-bullet to r Step 2: M ock-rock comb at. ove from combat rock-roc to rockk paper-sc issors.

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of Defense Tax Invoice Date: No To: Cong vember 3 rd, 2015 ress of

request

the Unit From: U ed States nited Sta of Amer tes Depa ica rtment o f Defens e

quantity

Iron Rang er Boots

Teach Your Drone

Crude Oil Paint a racing stripe down the middle of the drone to make it go a lot faster!

ck for Just the and to it t.

4,000 pairs

Steel Beam s

The Comp le Set of Fri te Box ends Divorce F ilings Teach your drone to accurately identify a hostile enemy facility versus a Doctors Without Borders hospital. This is really a basic requirement for them to function. We’re not sure why this hasn’t been firmly established already.

party the ctly f at ght jump .

proper Identification of Targets

High Cali b and Extre er Weapons mely Destructiv e Tanks U.S. Dolla rs

1,280,430

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16,543,220.

notes Needed in or ensure mor der to e American boots are on the gro und.

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Speedracer!

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Just to ro un deficit. It d off the w gross num as at a pretty ber, and w e wanted to even it ou t.

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December 2, 2015

Study Finds Taller Americans at Increased Risk of Hitting Head on Passing Jets

“NEEEYARRRROOOOOOWWWWWWWW,” interrupted the plane. By Brandon Ehlert Distribution Captain

study conducted by the American Medical Association, in conjunction with the University of California, San Diego, confirmed that certain individuals who are taller than others, comparatively speaking, are at a slightly higher risk of accidentally hitting their head on a cruising jetliner. “We found that if you are above 6 feet in height, the top of your head is upwards of 6 feet above the ground, whereas if your height falls below that mark, the top of your head is a few inches farther from the sky,” explained study coordinator Marcus Greyfield. “It sounds like one of those quintessential math problems about two trains and blah, blah, blah, but when you just put pen to paper and reason through it, it’s not rocket science. “Let me put it to you another way,” continued Greyfield. “If I am with my friend Daniel, who is a mere 5 feet 8 inches, but I am standing at 6

feet 4 inches, my skull’s roof is a full eight inches further up in the sky, which puts it that much closer to a passing Boeing 757 or Jumbo Jet. “It’s just common sense.” The study was met with varying amounts of skepticism, particularly surrounding the notion that a commercial airliner flies at around 32,000 feet. Opponents are claiming that it is “absurd” to think that someone, regardless of their height, could plausibly hit their head. Alice Harkins, one of the lead researchers conducting the study, combats these arguments by reassuring the public that even though there is still a large distance between a plane and a person’s head, the American public should by no means ignore that a taller person’s head has a smaller distance between it and a plane, as compared to a shorter person’s head. “On top of that, a plane is only at cruising altitude for a fraction of the flight,” petitioned Harkins, setting a fog machine down by her feet

and waving the Colonial flag. “All too often, the U.S. Government leaves its citizens uninformed, and folks, I am going to [do] everything it possibly takes to change that. “Imagine that I and my shorter-than-average girlfriends were out on the town in Los Angeles. As we are walking from Santa Monica, we start to smell an intoxicating aroma of chicken frying. We follow the wafts of delicious air wherever our nose guides us, knowing that once we find the greasy treasure, our cravings for fried chicken will be satiated. “The scent of succulent hens crisping in the fryer, the drizzle of the meaty gravy and the mashed potatoes,” continued Harkins, floating away into a place of Southern-fried comfort. “Sorry, I got lost for a second. Where was I? Oh, yes, so we aren’t paying attention to where we’re walking, and all of the sudden, we find ourselves traversing the tarmac at LAX, the heavenly aerosolized chicken grease draw-

PHOTO By jen windsor

ing us near to a landing jet with seemingly-evil intent. “Long story short, I would get hit by the landing gear because I am 6 feet 2 inches, while my girlfriends would all survive because they’re all like 5 feet 8 inches or 5 feet 6 inches,” Harkins concluded. “It’s a potential tragedy that tall Americans have a right to be aware of.” The AMA urges Americans public to continue to live normal lives and not to live in fear, but just to be vigilant and alert when you hear the roar of a jet or overhear someone saying, “Hey, look at that plane!” As of now, there is no record of anyone ever hitting their head on a passing airliner, so it’s hard to say what the result would be. The AMA released a press statement saying that in the event that one hits their head on a plane of any sort, even if no symptoms are observed, one should seek immediate medical attention to rule out any concussion or hemorrhaging.

Book Ideas Still In Search of Caring Publishers How to Read: Text Edition! By Jeanine Powell

Finally, after the video and radio editions of the wildly popular “How to Read” series comes “How to Read” in a written format. This novel walks you through each step of learning to read, from learning basic words like “top” and “cat” to highly complex words like “about” and “float.” Each chapter goes deep into written explanations of the mechanics of reading, better than any teacher!

“What?! My Literary Curiosity is Stuck in the Well(e)s?” -By Lassie, the dog

Half literary criticism about H.G. Wells fiction and half film analysis of Orson Welles, this collection of media essays curated by the popular television dog Lassie is perfect for the canine that has grown tired of reading “See Spot Run” or watching “Clifford.” In-depth analysis includes naming Welle’s The Third Man an “epitome of film noirs,” and describing Wells’ Time Machine as “woof.”

Teletubbies in La La Land: Say My Name, Tinky Winky -By Tyler Shills, age 13 Where did they come from? Why do they have television’s surgically implanted in their chests? Who trapped that baby in the sun? All is revealed in this creative fanfiction. Spoiler alert: Noo-noo the vacuum used to be a mad scientist who secretly observed them.

Up and coming writers are always hoping they will find that special publisher who sees potential in their many Sartre and Parks and Recreation references. However, not all book ideas always find their place in the literary world. Below are pitches for some of the many rejected book ideas that are still struggling to find their leather-bound homes.

The Pig Says “I Feel Pain. You’re Torturing Me” and Other Animal Sounds -By The Humane Vegan Association

The third installment of the “What have you done, you monster?” series returns to the barnyard to teach youngsters what the animals on the farm are really saying. From the chickens squawking that “Meat is murder” to the cows mooing “He had a family, you bastard,” children are sure to learn the true meaning of the futility of life when confronted with a system of breeding to kill. This book is suitable for all ages, depending on how comfortable your child is with graphic depictions of cow disembowelment.

Leading From Behind: My Political Career Thus Far -By Carly Fiorina

A riveting 30,000 words, this commentary describes an extraordinary woman in extremely ordinary and relatable circumstances, while also providing insights into several problems with this great nation. Find the details of the time a live fetus had its liver removed and sold to the Iranians. Alternatively, enjoy the tantalizing 12-page sonnet about the one time she met a Latina woman. Guaranteed to be at least 10 times better than Jeb Bush’s book “How To Lose A Campaign in 80 Days.”

POINT

School Dress Codes Are Unnecessary and Unreasonable By Miranda Von McPhannerannarininski

Empowered Woman iddle school was the worst six years of my life. When I was 11 years old, I was deeply traumatized. I had just bought this beautiful new dress. Everything about it was perfect: the color, the material, the way it fit my awkward, preadolescent body. As I walked to my desk, I could hear a hush fall over the room. It’s the dress, I thought to myself. I must look breathtaking! My bubble was burst, however, when my teacher motioned me over and told me that my clothing was inappropriate for school because I was showing “too much midriff” and the spaghetti straps let everyone see “both of my fully exposed vaginas.” He told me that my outfit would distract boys in class and that I needed to go home. I was distraught, but something inside me clicked that day. I vowed to never again bow my head to the oppressive system that was the dress code. Over the next few years, I would wear, among other things, a skirt that exposed my achilles tendons, sleeves that left my elbows out in the open, and shirts that showed that

weird dip in the space just below your neck where your collar bones meet. None of which were deemed acceptable. These kinds of restrictions are unreasonable. I am calling for some clemency from school administrations nationwide. For example, I remember in high school that I was not permitted to wear shorts or dresses that hung more than five inches above the kneecap. It would be much more reasonable to enforce a maximum of four and fifteen sixteenths of an inch. Come on, society. Use some common sense. Are exposed shoulders really so distracting that we need to penalize young girls for the way they choose to dress and express themselves?

COUNTERPOINT Dude, Check Out That Girl’s Shoulders By mr. dude bro

Professional Man AAYYUUUUM. Someone call heaven, they’ve lost an angel! Those shoulders — those divine, most pristine shoulders — they are. Fully. Exposed! I don’t know how I’m supposed to learn in this context. I mean, fluid dynamics aren’t really that difficult, but come on — how can I learn when one of this girl’s shoulders is slightly tanner than the other? The left one has a peculiar mole that I’m worried might be earlystage melanoma. I should say something if I ever break free of this trance that the shoulders have put me in. Also, those are some muscular fucking shoulders. This girl must work out like crazy — I wonder how I can get ripped like that. She must clean and jerk an awful lot. I’d also like to see her snatch. Those are the kind of shoulders that I would love to grind into a fine powder and sprinkle over pistachio ice cream — slowly. I just want to melt them down and mould them into fine

silverware. I want to make the sweet music of love with them — they would be perfect to use as percussion instruments in the fire mixtape that I’m dropping later this year. Wow. I really am very distracted. Focus, man, focus! You can do this. Just look down and keep taking notes. I should just stop thinking about it. Should just … should … SHOULDERS. I really miss dress codes. I learned so much more when girls dressed modestly. Now, if only she would just be satisfied with keeping her entire body covered at all times … Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

TOP Ten

Things Holding Back the Realization of a Modern-Day Utopia 10. Eve. Couldn’t she have just eaten the pear? 9. Vertically sliced bread isn’t a thing yet 8. Did you know that some states still have laws restricting gerrymandering? 7. Bad luck in form of the Geneva Conventions 6. “If we just raise tuition a little bit more...” 5. P = NP 4. “No, please just let me explain libertarianism one more time” 3. The continual failure to pass a bill to build the Keystone XL pipeline 2. The insatiable desire of all human beings to live in a world more perfect than the reality they are facing 1. Not enough rainbows

December 2, 2015

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Area Mad Scientist Crowdfunds Affront to God

POINT

University of California, San Diego: One Big Homage to the Devil? By Rev. James Bae

Your Pastor From the Church Down the Street reetings, children of the Great Shepherd, our Great Lord. I stand before you today with a message warning you to watch out for the great evil that plagued our world since its conception, thousands of years ago (let me remind you Geology majors that you are going against the word of God!). That warning, my beloved children, is that the entire campus of UCSD is plagued by pagan signs and demonic symbols! I mean really. Did you not see the Seven Deadly Sins listed right up on the sides of the Charles Powell building?! I mean at that point it’s just poor craftsmanship! I’ve seen finer, subtle work on the one dollar bill! Also need I remind you about the wretched display of one Sun God? The Second Commandment says all believers have a right to bear arrrI mean Thou Shalt Have No

PHOTO By lawrence lee

“It’s alive! It’s alive!” yelled one mob member, to inform the others that his GoPro camera was streaming the protest live on Periscope. By Riley Mallory

MQ Mom rea Mad Scientist Hugo Mounster began using crowdfunding platform GoFundMe to raise money to create life that is “an affront to all the gods of man.” The creature, his “very own Frankenstein,” would be “his greatest creation ever, only possible by the contribution of everyday folk,” who are interested in crowdfunding and the creation of real-life abominations. Mounster is a well-known San Diego mad scientist, who graduated from University of California, Santa Barbara with a BS in Occult Science and Arcane Wisdom and a minor in Sports Therapy. He launched his first crowd-funding campaign in June 2015, and quickly achieved the 10,000 dollars he requested to help him cover the costs of his project and his living expenses. His “down to earth” honesty drew in many previously jaded users of crowdfunding campaigns.

“I’ve seen dozens of mad scientists, crazed inventors, and wild-eyed hedge mages come through here with big promises of penis enlargement and eldritch horrors that amount to nothing,” said Marcus Frizly, a crowd-funding veteran. “I saw Mounster’s pitch and I thought, wow, this guy is the real deal.” To encourage donations, Mounster agreed to send contributors at the $10 level a bag of assorted viscera from one of the small animals utilized in the construction of the creature. At $150, they could have a body part grafted onto the creature. At $5,000, they get to be the one to pull a lever that hoists an apparatus into the blowing winds, so that the lightning strike of a wrathful god may, through bitter irony, give life to the very abomination it would destroy. To keep costs low, Mounster’s Frankenstein would be built using whatever parts could be salvaged from the bodies of the recently inurned, area pets, and the refuse bin at a local McDonald’s. However,

“the tiny wire needed to stitch nerves together still costs an arm and a leg. Or, well, as much as a new arm and leg would cost me, if I wasn’t refurbishing.” Mounster drew flack after, following the successful funding of his first crowdfunding project; he launched a second one, which increased the monetary goal from 10,000 dollars to 50,000. With the change came a host of new, slickly produced videos, replacing the grainy, minimally edited originals. “The ten thousand dollars was enough to really prove to myself, with small scale versions, that this is possible,” says Mounster, in one video, through narration over MTVstyle angular zooms on the rotting, writhing remains of squirrels fused with raccoons. Along with the feeling that the money they donated to the original project was wasted, many feel that the second funding campaign has lost the genuineness and soul which defined the first round. “You know, the first

time through it was just so real, you know? Like, you were helping realize this guy’s dream; creating new life that spits in the face of mother nature,” wrote twitter user @KmartHole. “Now it’s just gotten all corporate and shit.” @KmartHole has not been the only crowd-funder who has taken issue with his program. A mob of users — both offended by Mounster’s Frankenstein creation itself, and the squandering of money intended for it — has built up and is slowly approaching Mounster’s San Diego home. Experts described it as the “New Generation of Mob,” equipped with 3D Printed Pitchforks and Eco-Friendly Torches. They’ve been able to cover distance “like no mob in history,” thanks to their Hovertrax and Pebble-watch coordination, so Mounster has limited time to complete his dark work before the raving masses surround his apartment/lair.

New Standardized Test Implements A Through Z Answer Choices, Fixes Public Education By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor everal California school districts adopted a new standardized test aimed at providing more effective determinations of a student’s intelligence and knowledge base. The test encourages divergent thinking by allowing for a wider range of mildlycorrect answer choices to choose from and the opportunity to mark each bubble with either an “X,” a full circle, or a smiley face. “Finding a test that accurately and unbiasedly gives us a complete picture of the intelligence and potential of a child has always been a bit of a challenge for education workers,” explained Polly Lansteen, board member of the San Diego Unified School District. “However, this time, we think we’ve cracked it with just a few minor changes!” The new standardized test, referred to as the CCAASSPP, because it reportedly “rolled off the tongue a little better than CAASPP” is an attempt to include many common critiques of the standardized testing system. Barry Holmes, one of the masterminds behind CCAASSPP, reported that “one of the common complaints about standardized testing is that a student’s thoughts and understanding of a concept cannot be reduced to a few answer choices or all-or-nothing questions. “However, by giving each student the ability to choose from 26 answers, A through

Other Gods Before Me! And we all know it really pained God when he wrote this to stop Zeus. Zeus was getting a bit too wild and free with the whole sex thing and God wanted that to stop, okay? It’s not Him, it’s you. And finally, SIX colleges? If you look at the names of all the colleges, it’s Revelle, Muir, Marshall, ERC, Warren, and Jacobs. Take the mean of those letters, then add one to it, and it comes up as 6.66. Nonono. Go ahead. Whip out a calculator and do the math. And then proceed to whip yourself to repent for using sinful technology. I’ll wait.

COUNTERPOINT

You’re Cordially Invited to Triton’s First Satanic BBQ and GBM! By Cult Master Devin Lightbringer

Cult Event Organizer, C.E.O. for Short

atan be with you, ye wrongful creations of California. May the Dark Lord wretchedly smile your way and make you trip on a black cat. Buuut! All formalities aside, hello, hello! We are finally having a first official Triton Satanic GBM this coming Saturday, because Sunday is when the church people realllllly like to test their new torches and pitchforks out, if you know what I mean. For all ye first timers, this is the time where we gather to scheme and plan the Satanic overthrow of the world — and enjoy some fun activities we have planned out for you! Also there’s going to be some mean barbeque — don’t worry, it’s not spiked with any funny stuff. Just chili sauce. If we actually wanted to spike something we would have gone for the Kool-aid! Hahaha. For all ye many-timers! You already know we hold discussions during our evil meetings to really take in to the philosophical area of Satanism. Last meeting’s discussion (before we unfortunately got into a lawsuit with the entire Deep South of the US): “Is the upside down cross a satanic sign? Should we keep using it?” The

general consensus, much to Tiffany’s dissent (she’s still not over it), was No! Saint Peter was crucified that way, so technically an upside down cross is a Holy sign. This meeting’s discussion: “Why is Satan bad if he tortures bad people for all eternity?” Study up! Get ready your papers, cite your sources properly! We may be the Devil’s worshippers, but people who plagiarize are the devil (3). During or after the meeting, prizes! We will raffle away many satanic, pagan goods and decorations that could be hung on your Christmas trees! I’m going for the bejeweled, glitter-decorated skull of Amelia Earhart. All thanks to the Vaticaaa- I mean an anonymous organization for sponsoring us! Let’s just say we’re not the only ones. Oh and uhh … FYI, Christmas was copied from a Pagan holiday. Nonono. Go ahead. Google “Is Christmas Pagan?” I’ll wait.

PHOTO By jen windsor

Both of the students pictured later earned a 100 percent for creativity during this field test. Z on each question, I think it’s safe to say we have given them all of the choices they could possibly want.” Barry continued, “We’ve listened to your feedback, and incorporated it. Now an artistic element will be included in each subject test, where students can choose from a wide variety of symbols to mark their answers with to express their sentiments towards the question. And just think about all of the new patterns you can make on your scantron with all of the added bubbles!” CCAASSPP is projected to be released for the 2016-2017 school year, and administrators are already working to adjust to possible new chal-

lenges of releasing the test. Because of the time needed to read through the answer choices, districts are planning on providing students with a full 44 hour period, instead of the original eight hours provided. Students will be fully accommodated at the testing facility, and allocated 30 minute time periods for each meal, and a mandatory 10 minute “fun-time stretch break,” to destress. The only concern with these changes is that the new tests will cut more into class time. However, board members are confident that teachers everywhere will easily be able to adapt to the shortened class time, in order to ensure that students are given the

opportunity to participate in the CCAASSPP, described by its creators as a learning experience in itself. However, administrators are well aware that there could be flaws or difficulties surrounding the new test release, and are planning on distributing a thorough feedback survey to students who take it. At press time, another CCAASSPP creator Fiona Romero stated the survey aims to “further improve the effectiveness of public education at providing diverse, in-depth learning opportunities and empowerment to students nationwide, and also see if the directions for opening and filling in the scantron would be clearer if in Cambria font, instead of Arial.”

Helping to get foxes off of the endangered species list.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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December 2, 2015

UCSD Student Looks Up Freaky Porn On School Wi-Fi

EDITORIAL

I’m So Excited Daddy’s Coming Home!

Chancellor Khosla Sent to Give Him "The Talk"

By Kevin Millman

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

“And then, uhhh, the sperm flows up the urethra, also known as the fallopian tube, and, uh, the eggs fall down from the uterus into the bladder, and the baby grows there,” Khosla described. By Leo Grabowski and PJ Marymee

Staff Writers

ast Saturday night, a student from Sixth college was caught using ResNet to view pornography that has been described by various sources as “revolting,” “disturbing,” and “really, really hot.” The Society for Promoting Inconvenience in Erotic Situations (S.P.I.E.S.), an esteemed student welfare organization, detected the student’s activity and sent Chancellor Khosla to intervene. The Chancellor arrived at the student’s dorm at approximately 9:40 p.m., accompanied by two armed RSOs. Khosla kicked the student’s door down, and the student, sitting at their computer and still fully clothed, attempted to flee the scene before being RKO’d and pepper sprayed by Khosla. The student then was restrained

with handcuffs and a ball gag. The student in question gave his own testimony: “After I was restrained, the Chancellor looked disappointed. He said, ‘Why did you have to go and do that? Now, I have to tell you about the birds and the bees, but I’ve had a very hard day of counting my money and raising tuition, so the RSO’s will perform the Ludovico technique on you with a multimedia presentation I have prepared just for this occasion.’ He left, and one RSO held my eyes open with metal wires while the other played Khosla’s presentation, which turned out to be a video of Khosla demonstrating — in very high definition — exactly what the birds and the bees do. Anyways, that’s how I learned what a Cleveland Steamer was.” Chancellor Khosla had a different take on the matter. “Here at UC Santa Cruz, we

take pornography very seriously. When a student ruins their innocence with it, I need to drop everything I’m doing — usually League of Legends, or a goat — to explain to them the facts of life. It is a huge expense of university resources. Do you have any idea how many more Cadillacs the university could buy me if students would stop watching so much damn porn?” Phil Hunter, head of Information Technology for Sixth College, echoed Khosla’s concerns. “Last month alone, Sixth students viewed over 69 petabytes of pornographic material. It’s turning into real epidemic. The poor Chancellor has to talk to every student that has contributed to those 69 petabytes. Fortunately, sometimes his ‘presentation’ is enough to prevent students from ever watching porn again.” When asked what ex-

actly caused such an outrage, Khosla responded, “This repressed psychopath was watching heterosexual, monoracial porn, the least inclusive kind of pornography out there! Our university celebrates diversity and we pride ourselves on being one of the top ten most diverse campuses in the entire continental U.S. We only managed to make it this far because we celebrate diversity everywhere. Our student body is diverse, our different colleges are diverse, our food is [almost] diverse, and our pornography is diverse. There actually was not pornography diverse enough for our school so I was forced to make one of my own with men and women of all races, and a goat.” Khosla’s porno is now available at all the major markets on campus, and its viewing, as of last week, is mandatory for all students.

Holiday Cards for Creative Souls Not satisfied with those run-of-the-mill holiday cards? Looking for a more exciting way to remind your distant friends and family that you still exist and recently got a new pet? Try these novel holiday greeting card ideas guaranteed to entertain your great uncle Stewie for at least as long as it takes him to walk back to his house from the mailbox.

Have the most popular party on the block by throwing an all-inclusive, melting-pot inspired shindig.

Your friends and family know who the real focal point of your family is. Might as well give them what they want.

Make sure you use this opportunity to demonstrate the clear family resemblance between you and your children

Age 10

kay, I am SO excited right now! Even more excited than last week when Ms. Johnson said my self-portrait looked like a sick monkey, which is awesome ‘cause I love monkeys and sick means really cool is what Johnny the fifth grader taught me. But the reason I’m so excited is Daddy’s coming home! Last time I saw him he and Mommy were discussing loudly and then he left. Mommy said he went for ice cream but he didn’t come back. Mommy must be really excited he’s visiting today too. She’s so happy she’s crying! She’s starting a bonfire with Daddy’s clothes which I bet means we are gonna make s’mores together. I really hope Daddy will stay for dinner ‘cause he knows I like dinosaur nuggets. Mommy just always makes me eat TV dinners while she and her new friend Steve go play in her room. Mommy wouldn’t let me see Daddy a month ago which is really mean! But it’s sort

of okay Daddy was gone because I got to talk to Daddy on the phone a bunch when Mommy wasn’t around and he said it’s our secret. He told me wanted to take me to see his new friends. They all chanted a song about karate at me over the phone in unison, which sounded really cool especially because they said it very slow and deep. I bet they practiced just like I do in choir. Mommy said Daddy was “crazy” and has a “out-of control obsession with Ralph Macchio,” but Daddy said his friends were a group of people who wanted to teach me karate so they sound really nice. Daddy told me that I’m very special because I am the “reincarnation of the Chosen One Ralph Macchio” and he’s gonna be my “Mr. Miyagi” to train me to fight the “imposter Jaden Smith” which sounds fun. Daddy also told me if I visit him I can see his new home which he calls “the glorious Temple of Karate” but Mommy told me he really lives in a van behind a Chinese restaurant so that doesn’t sound as fun. Ohmigosh, Daddy’s here! He shaved his head and is wearing white robes, which is weird. Hi Daddy! Wait, Daddy, I want to stay with Mommy! I don’t want to leave and catch flies in chopsticks with you for the rest of my days! Stop telling me to wax on and wax off! Holy cow, Mommy is beating the poop out of Daddy! This is too loud and screamy, I’m going back inside to wait for s'mores.

TOP Ten

Problems You First Encounter In College 10. Fighting on the playground 9. The human body contains about 3.5 more liters of blood than your bucket can handle 8. The realization that life is just series of arbitrary goals, the meaning of which doesn’t ultimately bring you happiness, but also there’s this midterm coming up 7. Guns and butter 6. People no longer solve problems by dancing and singing like they did in high school 5. “Ok, so I’ve got 70 dollars to spend on food per week and only eating ice cream costs me 80 dollars. I’m going to have to start eating things other than ice cream” 4. Showing up late to class because you ran into that prankster ghost, Peeves 3. That moment when you checked your phone during Chem 6C and your teacher put it in a Vitamix blender and made you drink it as a smoothie 2. You’ve only got one fire extinguisher. Roommate or ceiling? 1. Ow, that fucking door again

If 1000 monkeys jumped on keyboards, this paper could have been written three days ago. But we could only find lemurs. Sorry.

Nothing says “togetherness” quite like a family stuffing their cramped bodies into a single winter garment.

Be thrifty this holiday season by repurposing those extra cards you didn’t end up using.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

December 2, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 11

Satan Declares Rap Superstar Fetty Wap “Not a Real Devil Worshiper”

Nick Jonas Produces "Brokeback Mountain" Remake, Plays All Roles

By Trevor Malone

MQ Fun Uncle

he Dark Lord Satan, also known as Beelzebub, announced his disdain towards popular rapper Fetty Wap in a press conference Tuesday. The press conference, held in the fourth circle of Hell, was the first time the figurative embodiment of evil, pain, and eternal damnation came out publicly about the use of his image and brand. Satan addressed multiple issues concerning the state of Hell, including housing segregation within the second circle, relief measures following the flooding of the river Styx, and how participants of the #whitelivesmatter campaign are immediately banished from Heaven. However, the most controversial of his points was a call out directed towards Fetty Wap, accusing him of being unworthy of calling himself a “devil worshipper” in the first line of his popular song “679.” Satan described a variety of grievances towards the song and Fetty Wap specifically, noting “he has never even tweeted at me! Like, if you want to hit me up and call yourself a devil worshiper, that's great. But at least put in some effort to actually worship me! I have seen no footage of you sacrificing a virgin in my name, nor have you ever made an altar to me from the bones of your enemies and/or whatever you can get from the butchers at Costco. You just have to ask for the bones. Plenty of people use them for stocks.”

PHOTO By connor gorry

This all started when someone told Nick Jonas to “go fuck himself” a couple of years ago. By Evvan Burke

PHOTO By jen windsor

Pictured here: Representatives of Fetty Wap’s target demographic, “Beelzebros.” Not pictured: the thousands of bovine souls they’ve sacrificed in his name. Satan further elaborated on his disdain towards popular culture using his brand simply to seem more controversial. He went on to emphasize the importance of individuality within popular media and that using his likeness to drum up attention creates an ungenuine message to youths. He said that although he would “love to see the world filled with hatred-filled, devil-worshipping children of the darkness,” that children should only take up what lifestyle fits their individual personality. His brand, he elaborated “is one of unwavering independence from

the superficial, materialistic world, and it makes me sad when someone is performing a ritual incorrectly. Especially when they aren’t even draped in one of my patent pending ‘LucifeRobes,’ available at all street corners from a man dressed in all black who recently yelled ‘Bitch I’m from the fifth circle, Oakland!’ And only for a modest $19.95!” Public reaction has been mixed following the press conference, with an outpour of youths over social media causing the worldwide trending of #realdevilworshiper, #atleastabonealtar, #satanicthinspo and #fetawrapsfor-

fettywap. Fetty Wap made an Instagram video Friday in response to Satan’s statements, declaring “Bitch Imma do me zoo gang all day! But I also recognize that my message was not genuine and could be construed by my youthful demographic to pursue something not because of passion, but because it is controversial and attention grabbing. Youths today have it hard enough as it is trying to navigate this world and sending out a message to conform to a certain series of ideals that I do not even follow wholeheartedly was a huge mistake. Squaaaaaaaaaa!”

Vegan Meals at Roots Found to Contain Actual Vegans

Local Student “Loves to Have Fun”

to catch a brief Cru and InterVarsity Hold Price War on Library Walk Hugs This past Wednesday, to coincide with the approach of finals, Campus Crusade for Christ and InterVarsity both offered hugs for charity on Library Walk, resulting in a competitive price war. Originally a friendly competition to raise money for the Samaritan’s Purse and Compassion International charities respectively, Cru and IV began to incrementally knock down prices from the original $1 hugs down to flat-out free hugs. Each price slash was accompanied by loving heckling toward the other fellowship. “We’re definitely going to raise more money than those incredible people over at Cru, even if we have to cut prices,” said Hope Lim, an Economics major and hugger for IV. “It’s simple supply and demand — we earn more money than them if we have a small price cut and a lot more people wanting hugs.” On the Cru side, small group leader Mark Freid commented that he had a new strategy. “In addition to slashing the price, we’re going improve the quality of the hugs. I’m developing a mandatory training seminar for volunteer huggers to go through. We’re looking to create a real bear hug that’s long, has at least one sigh of happiness from the hugger, and really compresses the receiver.” He further remarked that hugs from IV were “truly wonderful” but would “still pale in comparison to ours.” By the end of the day, IV was heard shouting “Hugs for a dollar—we pay you!” while a student was seen crushed by one of the Cru huggers, awkwardly trying to escape.

California School Revitalizes Test Scores by Moving Problem Children to Other Schools After years of struggle to meet standards set by state guidelines, Franklin Elementary exceeded expectations by developing a new strategy: move all of the “problem” children to other schools. For years, Franklin Elementary was considered “that” school — a school filled with children from the inner city, who, due to socioeconomic issues out of their control, found it hard to meet standards set by the state of California. Morale was low. Budgets were short. The demographics of the school were representative of the neighborhood around the school. Under pressure from the district, Franklin began a radical series of changes. First, they filed to become a Montessori academy — children were given more autonomy in the classroom, and teachers used new techniques to teach math and science. Second, they became a magnet school, inviting children from across the county to participate in an accelerated curriculum. Third, they exported the children who scored lowest to other schools in the surrounding area. “The results have been amazing,” said Melinda Espinozo, a third grade teacher at Franklin. “Test scores have gone way up, we’ve had far fewer disciplinary problems, and the demographic makeup of our student body now consists of considerably fewer students from low-income families.”

HDH has received numerous complaints about the alleged addition of meat to supposedly vegan meals at Roots. Warren College first-year Rainn Wanatamatanabewan was reportedly among those affected by the incident. “It all happened so fast,” Wanatamatanabewan said, "I knew I was eating another vegan when my food immediately told me that it was a vegan. "I can’t believe I was conned into eating another animal and/or animal products or by-products. My veganism is ruined. My entire life is ruined. Now, I have sunk to the level of the meateaters, that abyss of the worst of the worst of humanity. Jeffrey Dahmer wasn’t a vegan — now, I am banished to his realm, forever damned to burn with him in our own circle of Hell. How will I validate myself as a human being now?” "HDH is very concerned that this happened and is investigating the matter further. It is our mission to ensure that student dining at UCSD is of the highest possible quality," said HDH spokeswoman Helen Smith, who promptly burst into laughter and could not stop for 90 minutes. Vegan diners around campus are advised to stay aware of what they are eating.

Gerald Martinez, third year San Diego State student, came under nationwide scrutiny after posting a series of statements on his Facebook, the most controversial being “I love to have fun.” Other posts have addressed a more political tone, with “ISIS is bad” and “I like being free” garnering the most negative feedback. Theses posts gained large attention because of their obviously polarizing nature, with an average of 1.2 million likes per post and an estimate of 300,000 times Martinez has been blocked by other users. Martinez was interviewed at his apartment by local news, responding to the blocking and negative feedback with, “people have opinions. People who hate may or may not continue to hate. Feeling sad is not fun but I love to have fun.” Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook, has commented on Martinez’s actions as “a revolutionary, bold stance in a time of political correctness. ‘I love having fun’ is something that really strikes to the core of his rebel spirit and even though I cannot necessarily agree with the message, it is certainly admirable to be so bold. We might even defeat ISIS if that post becomes popular enough.” Martinez is scheduled to release a memoir on his journey following the posts entitled “Being Liked by People is Nice.”

Copy Editor

fter his stunning role as a shirtless, gay MMA Fighter in “Kingdom,” his role as a shirtless, gay frat boy in “Scream Queens,” and as a shirtless headliner for the traditionally gay-oriented Pittsburgh Pride Festival, heterosexual singer/actor Nick Jonas has set his sights on what he describes as the “Holy ‘Gayl’” of queer cinema, "Brokeback Mountain." “The gay community has been so supportive of me since I started my acting career,” Jonas said, ignoring his role as “Nick” in Disney Channel’s classic sitcom, “Jonas.” “And I think the best way for me to take advantage of that support is to market towards them as much as possible.” The remake, directed by James Franco, will star Jonas as all gay and bisexual characters, including Jack, Ennis, Randall, and all male prostitutes using film techniques “a la ‘The Parent Trap.’” Franco, who is also known for producing classic gay pornos like “Interior: Leather Bar” and the upcoming “King Cobra,” said that he really enjoys adding his perspective to the sex scenes. “By the end of this I want to make “Fifty Shades of Gray” look like "Pride and Prejudice". And I mean the original film, where all they do is square dance and act snippy.” “It’s a very bold move on behalf of Franco and Jonas that we’re confident will pay off in the end,” raves an

early review by "Out Magazine". The Advocate has also chimed in, declaring the film “definitely not an insult to Heath Ledger’s memory.” Members of the gay community are also excited. Alex Cerena, a freshman from Muir college, said, “As a gay man, I can assure you I am sincerely touched by Nick’s willingness to support our community by balancing it on his bicep.” Fellow student Martin Hopper also voiced his support, saying, “Honestly, I’m so desperate I’d watch anything if two guys kiss.” “I love my gay fans,” Jonas repeated several times with different intonations. “I love my gay fans. I love my gay fans. Yeah, that’s it.” The remake will also be adapted into a musical, presenting some of Jonas’s more popular songs. “‘Jealous’ was really easy to incorporate into the plot,” Jonas explained, “as was ‘Levels’ out now on iTunes and Google Music. ‘Chains’ was a little harder, but Franco did a great job incorporating into a really tasteful BDSM scene we wrote for the second half.” When asked if the infamous “tent scene” from the original film would be included, Jonas said “you’ll have to watch it to find out” while fanning himself with his own shirt. In the meanwhile, Jonas looks forward to doing the traditional things a “gay icon” does: appearing in clubs, guest judging on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and deflecting comments about his sexuality.

TOP Ten

Regrets from Black Friday 10. Grabbing a shopping cart instead of a basket. You’re just slowing yourself down 9. Being a participant in the trampling death of that old woman, but also your new flat screen is curved and that’s pretty nice 8. Texting while driving 7. Designing your barricade poorly. Provided it’s hit the right way, all force is focused on one bolt and the barricade will shear and kill one of your employees 6. Taking out a third mortgage on your house to buy Thanksgiving decorations in bulk 5. Thinking Black Friday was a month-long thing. For the past few weeks you’ve been punching toddlers in the face for no reason 4. Buying the store’s entire supply of milk. Now you have to drink all of this in seven days or you’re going to lose money 3. Going to Best Buy in a blue polo shirt 2. Not reading carefully enough, and coming back with a set of 12 nonstick paninis 1. Forgetting it was Black Friday

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The MQ Presents: A Cinnamon-Flavored Countdown to Christmas Between the 2.3 degree temperature drop, that one guy who didn’t slam the door in your face, and the seasonal change of Starbucks cups to their red winter colors, you know that Christmas time is near. It’s time to start decorating the palm trees and pulling out the fake snow as we gather around the crackling Christmas beach bonfire to warm our slightly chilled fingers. Be sure to keep up the holiday cheer right up until December 25th with this advent calendar, providing tantalizing treats, words of wisdom, and secret surprises revealed for each day of this festive, fleeting month.

Kris Kringle’s Crossfit Workout: On the first day, focus on the strength in your legs. Run three miles, followed by a 200-meter sprint, three sets of 50 air squats, and four sets of 20 burpees.

Calcium 40.078

If? There is no if. There is only what is. What was? What will be. And what are you getting me for Christmas?

8 Be sure to hide your bunny suit from your mom so she doesn’t make you try it on for Aunt Clara.

Who put these here? What are they doing here? We don’t need these for anything.

May God grant you the serenity to accept the channels you cannot change, the courage to change the channels you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Encourage inclusion this holiday season by celebrating the winter solstice with your non-religious friends.

And God said, let there be 30-percent off wrapping paper. And it was so.

Have a moldy jar of orange marmalade to spice up your holidays! Don’t worry, you can just scrape off the moldy part on top and it’ll be fine.

Give the gift of a never-ending advent calendar this holiday season.

12 Remember to put that toy elf Jimmy really wanted in this box.

If at first you don’t suceed If at first you dunt If at furs Fuck it, just give up now.

Ha! You should have seen your face! We got you right on the nose!

16 Kris Kringle’s Crossfit Workout: On the fourth day, prepare your arms to endure. Try five sets of 45 handstand push-ups, followed by 20 sets of bench presses and 20 dumbell swings.

Indulge in these rich, creamy chocolates that are impossible to resist!

21 13

December 2, 2015

23 Hide the customary Christmas badger for children of the house to find. Be wary; if the badger is not found by Christmas Eve, the holiday shall be cancelled.

Remember to finish this treat fast! Expiring December 19th, six days before Christmas. This gift is a reminder that you can’t have it all.

18 Kris Kringle’s Crossfit Workout: On the sixth day, find your core and make it durable. Start with a fiveminute plank followed by two sets of 30 glute/ ham developing sit-ups and finish with 25 front rack, one-leg, Bulgarian split squats.

19 Kris Kringle’s Crossfit Workout: And on the Seventh day, He rested.

26 Wait, what are we counting up to again?

Going to church can be hard. However, with this convenient kit, you can go through all the classic practices from the comforts of your home!

for CLOSED thday. bir Jesus’s e back Com ow. tomorr