THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.” — Dr. Ben Carson
Good thing A.S. left us just enough money for this MEGAPHONE.
December 2, 2015
Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats
Volume XXII Issue III
In This issue U.N. Ethics training to bring world peace
2
trump tries burrito, decides mexicans can stay
4
leaked intel on u.s. involvement in syria
6,7
a-z answer choices fix public education Jonas stars in “Brokeback Mountain” remake
9 11
News in Brief Did you know that if you fold up the goat just right, it looks like Queen Elizabeth is frowning? BY MATT OLSON Staff Writer
I
n order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials have reported the transi-
tion was relatively smooth, partially because they chose such a plentiful main currency. As government spokesperson Gabriel Sakellaridis explained, “Well, Greece already had enough goats around to change to the new system practically overnight, so that seemed like the most logical option.”
The change has not been easy for Greece’s economic institutions. Due to the size difference between a euro and a large, healthy, billy goat, many of the country’s banks have undergone rapid construction in order to house the several thousand goats. “Safety deposit boxes are ultimately useless now,” ac-
PHOTO By katherine wood
cording to a bank manager. “I mean you could probably fit a goat inside one if you really tried, but generally speaking, that’s a high risk, low reward strategy.” Many banks have been able to lower costs by feeding the goats with the old
See goats, page 2
Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan By Katherine Wood Publicity Editor
O
ffice manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as his second this week. Bush — whose campaign slogan was recently changed by his campaign managers — can currently be heard sighing heavily from down the hall. Bush, to the ever-increasing dismay of his staff, has reported in great detail a number of episodes of depression over recent months about the “slogan formerly known as ‘Jeb!’” While the rest of his staff have described themselves as having moved on, Bush noted some personal challenges with the process. “The absence of ‘Jeb!’ in this office can only ever remind me of the grand folly of our human existence where all we love is inevitably taken from us,” the once chipper politician bellowed from the conference room. Chavez originally presented the situation to employees as an opportunity for the presidential hopeful to appear more relatable and in-touch with the emotions of the everyday man. However, as it became clear that Bush was no closer to making peace with his new slogan, employees ceased treating it as “just a phase.” Office secretary Nick Brown said he has become resigned, noting that
backpacks Lack Tact When Used in Sack Recent feedback on the rucksack sex act reveals the sad sack fallback is a drawback. Once popular in the time of smokestacks and railroad tracks, the act recently made a surprising comeback after Jack Black broke his back. After seeing a quack, Black began wearing the pack in the sac to realign his back and saw it counteract his hurting back. He began to tout the act to his claque by releasing a tract called “The Jack Backpack Aphrodisiac Throwback.” Once the almanac got rave feedback, he began to transact packs called “Jack Black’s Comeback RuckSack” in the colors of
lilac, cognac and soot black. But all was not right for Black’s compact paperback. As people yakked about the act’s lack of tact, it was smacked for being an artifact like sex in kayaks. The attack is a setback for those who need the pack to realign their backs, as well as those who like the sack for holding their Prozac, ice packs and crackerjack. Black was taken aback and began to fall back to avoid attack, but has said he will not slack after this setback, and will get payback for those who sacked his nymphomaniac power pack sex act.
Facebook debuts Second-Order Read Receipts, You’re the Asshole again
PHOTO By trev malone
Jeb later requested that his campaign slogan be changed to, “Why fix it? Why fix anything? We’re all going to die.” “The novelty of these episodes has really worn off, but the chilling despair is just as harrowing as ever.” This morning’s onset of melancholy is thought to be caused by the viewing of a YouTube “Jeb 2016” campaign compilation that featured a clip of a marching parent holding a toddler wearing a onesie with “Jeb!” printed on it. Campaign manager Danny Diaz explained that the new slogan “Jeb Can Fix It” was adopted after a vote in which Bush was defeated. Bush, disgruntled at the thought of abandoning the exclamatory “Jeb!” slogan, promptly decided to tattoo an “!” on his forearm.
Bush explained, “The ‘!’ serves as an ever-present reminder of that young boy I was just a few short months ago — a boy who found joy in the small things in life. If only I could regain that unadulterated appreciation for the everyday, or feel the simple, naive joy that that exclamation point once held for me.” “We began re-evaluating the slogan after staff expressed concerns about being able to sustain the emotional energy required to convincingly exclaim ‘Jeb!’ for the remainder of the campaign cycle,” Diaz said. “As my daughter Kayley — recently elected seventh Grade Class President at Loyola Middle School — knows,
you’ve got to keep your supporters happy for long the long haul, especially if you want to get the votes from Savannah’s lunch table.” Diaz went on to say that “Jeb Can Fix It” just kind of “fell into place,” after a fortunate burst of inspiration from his daughter’s successful “Kayley Can Solve That” campaign. He also noted that a platform point of guaranteeing pizza and bottomless chocolate milk every Friday in the auditorium was in the works. At press time, Jeb Bush was explaining to anyone within speaking distance that “Jeb Can Fix It” reminds him we’re all broken on the inside.
“Oh sorry”
“I’ll meet you at the beach”
“I didn’t see you there”
“I’ll be wearing red”
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg introduced a wave of new features to the website last week, chief among them what he’s calling “second order read receipts.” “This will fundamentally revolutionize the way we communicate,” Zuckerberg stated during a speech made to hungry, dead-eyed interns. “Until this point in history, humans have only been able to know when the messages they sent were read, but no longer. With the SORRs, now you’ll also be able to know when your friends checked if you’ve read the messages they sent.” Primary reactions to the feature’s release were gener-
ally positive, with one member of the millennial community hailing it as “just the thing Facebook was missing. This new piece of meta-information will go perfectly with the kale smoothie I have every morning.” However some were not pleased. “I saw Brian check whether or not I read his message, like, six times before I actually read it,” commented a different 20-something, “talk about clingy.” Facebook hasn’t made an official statement concerning their users’ reactions, but are currently making no plans to put an end to the continual embedding, reportedly working on creating read receipts for logging on to the site.
Officials Propose Cancellation of Sun God Cancellation Proposal The Sun God Festival’s team, along with Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Juan Gonzalez, met this month to discuss the future of proposals to permanently cancel UCSD’s Sun God Festival. ASCE officials proposed major changes to the format of Sun God-cancellation proposals, citing the fact that they have not made meaningful progress towards cancelling Sun God, despite years of efforts. “The administration promises to make Sun God nonexistent every year,” said one official, “but with
the lack of progress in enacting these changes, it’s really hard to justify the continuation of this tradition in its current form.” Some ASCE officials proposed a cancellation of proposals to cancel Sun God altogether. The Vice Chancellor disputed such measures, saying “Proposing to cancel Sun God is a UCSD tradition, and while the scope of these proposals may have to be reduced, we fully intend on keeping this tradition intact for future generations.”
See BRIEFS, page 11