The MQ Volume 22 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.”

— Severus Snape

Gutenberg’s pride and joy.

February 3, 2016

Congress Shortens Women’s History Month to 78 Percent of Previous Length

By Summer Davis

Assistant Publicity Editor

L

ate last month, Congress passed a bill intended to shorten March, Women’s History Month, to 78 percent of its typical length in order to better reflect women’s contributions to society. As a result, March will be approximately 24 days long in 2016. The bill was introduced by members of the Congressional Committee ,known as Women’s Hot Issues for the New Year, or WHINY. Senior member Mitch McConnell commented that “this bill has the most bipartisan support we’ve seen in years.”

Some members of Congress expressed doubts about the reception of this bill, with Tim Walz, a representative from Minnesota, commenting that, “Women make up a significant portion of my constituency.”

He continued, “If my advisors are correct, women have the right to vote now and may express their displeasure with this bill at the polls.”

Many women’s rights ac-

In This issue Clinton Appears on “Sesame Street” to Gain youth Vote

2

Study finds Raccoons not microwave-safe

5

The Race to the New Hampshire Primaries Area Drug Dealer diSAPPOINTED BY Q4 LOSSES Swedish Couple ANGERED at greece’s lack of empathy

6,7 8 11

News in Brief PHOTO By jacob aguirre

Renovations on the Statue of Liberty began soon after the bill passed; final plans include the addition of a new glass ceiling to replace Lady Liberty’s head and torso. tivists articulated their dismay.

“This is just like what happened when we asked to have a woman placed on the 20-dollar bill, and instead they put her on the 10-dollar

bill,” stated student activist Monica Villanueva.

“I would love to have American heroes Queen Elizabeth, Margaret Thatcher, or Cleopatra present on the penny, or something worth

less than that,” responded McConnell. He also offered to make Ms. Villanueva “an honorary WHINER.” The triumph of the bill

See month, page 2

Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground

By Matt Olson

Assistant Content Editor

A

fter hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. Council representatives burned Price Center to the ground late last week.

This event is the latest in a long line of A.S. attempts to make the campus more palatable. Last year, A.S. hosted the All-Campus Book Bonfire Bonanza, which was thrown after someone found a pornographic drawing carved into a desk in Geisel. A.S. determined the appropriate reaction was to torch the inside of Geisel, completely eradicating the feminism/gender studies section.

This was followed by the “Super Fun Happy Burn-Those-WhoDisagree Barbeque,” which, according to an A.S. Representative, was started because “it was cold outside.” No further information was given.

“The Council is confident that this was the right decision,” commented A.S. Representative Julie Kapoor. “We weren’t able to ask the other restaurants their opinions on the matter before we lit Price Center on fire, but we did attempt to ask them the morning after. They were not very responsive to our questions about engulfing their restaurants in an inferno because they were too busy trying to prevent their restaurants from being engulfed by an inferno, but we’re pretty sure they agree with us.”

Some students were less than thrilled at the decision,

Volume XXII Issue IV

Long Waitlists Cause Spike in Assassinations A report released by the UCSD Police Department linked a “dramatic rise” in student assassinations to long class waitlists. The report was released three weeks after waitlists closed, a delay the department attributed to the speed of its “DataMaster 1980” mainframe.

“We’ve monitored campus assassinations for a few years now,” said Sergeant Katherine Bird. “We’re used to seeing the occasional roommate pushed off a balcony or professor’s coffee spiked with cyanide, but we didn’t see this coming.

“Our working theory is that the spike stems from

a glitch in WebReg that showed who is ahead of each student on a waitlist,” Bird continued. “Students could then figure out who to target in order to get into their classes.”

The data indicated that organic chemistry classes saw the worst assassination rates, a trend the report attributed to the classes’ notoriously large waitlists and high proportion of desperate pre-meds.

At press time, the police were investigating an “Assassination Club” who had successfully petitioned A.S. for part of the recently cut media funds to purchase various poisons.

Archaeologists Discover Mysterious “Literature” Building Near Warren Lecture Hall

PHOTO By lawrence lee

Reports on the P.C. fire claimed there wouldn’t have been as many casualties if D’lush hadn’t taken over the emergency announcement system to call out orders. saying that they really enjoyed a few of the restaurants in Price Center, and others were upset that they left their backpacks in the smouldering crater that was formerly the lockers. However, the most prominent complaint was that despite A.S.’s lack of support towards D’lush, their actions “ultimately had no effect on the restaurant’s repugnant influence on campus.”

“There are still people out on Library Walk handing out free samples,” said freshman Lonnie Thorton. “It wasn’t too hard to ignore D’lush when they were all confined to one space, but when they’re out and about, yelling at us to try their food because it’s ‘better than the other food on campus’ even though we all know it’s clearly worse, it’s hard to

Flustered mom tells kid not to cry over spilled milk Area kid tells mom not to cry over shitload of spilled plates

avoid them. You can smell their food all over campus now. I honestly don’t know where they’re even getting the samples from. I heard they have a restaurant at SDSU.” Earlier this week, A.S. President Dominick Suvonnasupa held a press conference on the A.S. Council’s actions.

“Thank you all for being here, I guess. The reason I called this press conference was to clear up any uncertainty about our decision, to illustrate the need for complete transparency so the student body fully understands why we did what we did, and to show you all how we feel about the restaurants of Price Center,” said Suvonnasupa. He then reportedly pulled a small-scale model of the former

not-arsoned Price Center from under his podium, lit the model on fire, and roasted marshmallows.

When questioned by a student on whether or not he thought burning down Price Center was an appropriate response to the student concern about the vileness of D’lush’s food, Suvannasupa patted the student on the head and said, “Don’t worry about it, that’s for the adults to worry about.

Besides, D’lush is gone, that’s what you all wanted, right?

Now that we don’t have to spend any money sustaining the restaurants in Price Center we think we can better utilize that money elsewhere, like a second Hullabaloo. We can call it HullabaTwo, you guys will love it. We swear.”

Area Man Trying new avant garde hat Area hat really not okay with this

Archeologists reported that they have made an important discovery in UCSD’s Warren College: an ancient building they claim was used to study “Literature.” The term refers to an ancient major centered around the ritualistic analysis of books — a major which scholars had previously believed never existed at UCSD. “This ‘Literature’ building represents the best picture we have of the ways in which archaic societies interacted with prose,” said the leader of the expedition, Dr. John Rutledge. “The building is remarkably well

preserved — if not for the overgrown garden outside and the primitive architectural style, you could almost imagine these ancient ‘literature’ professors were still right here in this building, studying and worshipping their pagan gods like ‘Moliere’ and ‘Shakespeare.’”

At the time of the last report, none of the archeologists had yet ventured inside of the old, decrepit building. “This was an important and sacred place of study, and you don’t want to barge in without taking proper precaution,” said Rutledge. “Especially if it’s not during office hours.”

Ted Cruz Rebrands as TritonEd Cruz Citing a need to “appear more friendly” and avoid “legacy issues,” Ted Cruz announced his legal name change to TritonEd Cruz days before the Iowa Caucus. Cruz’s P.R. team said that this rebranding was in direct response to low poll numbers heading into Feb. 1’s caucus.

“We hope that this rebranding will help to narrow Cruz’s focus,” said campaign manager Julianne Sherry. “We’ve adopted a three-pronged approach to capturing the souls and hearts of voters: reduce, the number of people we target; reuse, soundbites so that people remember him better; and recycle, the points

of other candidates since they’re doing much better at this.”

“I feel like this change has drastically improved public perception of me,” said Cruz. “More syllables means more intimidating means more votes, right?”

Following a poor showing at the caucus, Cruz and his team are researching further ways to increase voter approval outside of adding a new coat of paint.

So far, early results in their internal polling of constituents point to housing or parking as more likely to appease the fickle masses.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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February 3, 2016

Hillary Clinton Appears on “Sesame Street” to Appeal to the Youth

By Cole Greenbaun

Assistant Content Editor

T

o combat the political pressure from the growing support of the Bernie Sanders campaign, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton made a recent guest appearance on the children’s show “Sesame Street,” in an attempt to gain support from younger voters. In a press release before the episode, Clinton’s campaign said they were excited to finally reach the younger voter demographic and show them how “hip, in the know, and yolo swag” Clinton was.

“I believe that the youths of America are the future of America,” said Clinton, “and that can only happen with the votes from these promising young Americans. Hopefully when they see me shake hands with Big Bird and do the ‘whip and nae nae’ with Elmo, they will see how qualified of a candidate I am.”

This is not the first attempt by Clinton to reach the younger demographic.

Other attempts include having brunch with Grumpy Cat, building a White House in the video game Minecraft, and dressing up as a Minion for Halloween. Surprisingly, these attempts have not increased Clinton favorability with voting millennials, with the polls still showing more youth support for Bernie Sanders, who recently was reported to have been yelling at some local kids to get of his lawn.

However, Clinton’s press manager James Russells has said that Clinton’s appearance on Sesame Street will ensure her the democratic nomination.

“Young people don’t want to listen to a candidate who talks about the ‘issues’ or ‘crises’ facing the country,” Russells said. “They want a candidate who appears on their favorite TV show, drops a ‘fiery mixtape,’ and uses a ‘sweet meme’ on national television.

That is a candidate who will

continued from page 1:

Month

surprised many political analysts, most of whom had expected the bill to be defeated in the Senate. Political scientist Dana Rhodes stated “This kind of nonsense is expected from the House of Representatives at least once every two years, but the Senate usually puts a stop to it.”

However, analysis of the unexpected success of the bill revealed that nearly every male senator had voted “yes” before the bill was done being read aloud, at approximately the moment the words “women’s history” were used. Those that had not voted “yes” were absent from the voting as they were busy attending a rally to defund Planned Parenthood.

One of the most contentious aspects of the bill was whether the amount of days in March should be rounded down or rounded up. Senator Elizabeth Warren delivered a well-received but ultimately ineffective speech in favor of rounding up to 19 female senators and one Bernie Sanders.

The bill is expected to reach President Obama’s desk before the start of March. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest

has already conveyed the president’s intention to veto the bill, adding that, “Not only does President Obama plan on vetoing this bill, he’s going to crumple it up into a little ball, throw that ball into the presidential trash can, set the presidential trash can on fire using his presidential lighter, and then call in the Secret Service to put the presidential fire out so he can light it again.”

Earnest was adamant that although the President does “hate Congress more than he hated Joffrey on Game of Thrones,” he is acting only in the interests of American women and not out of “some reasonably deserved spite.”

GOP Congressmen showed no signs of concern for the President’s veto.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan stated that, “Congresswomen only make up, like, 20 percent of Congress.” He then previewed the next bill that will be up for voting in February, saying “we need somewhere to put the 22 percent of March that we’re removing. I’m thinking we make a new month. I like the name ‘Manuary.’”

TOP Ten

PHOTO By jen windsor

Hillary and the Count could be overheard on the set singing, “I count slowly, ballots, slowly getting faster. Once I’ve started counting it’s really hard to stop — even if they’re fake!” become the next President of the United States. That is a candidate who will become America’s bae.”

Political analysts have speculated that this appearance is a reaction to Donald Trump’s appearance on “Saturday Night Live,” where SNL had its highest viewership in three years. Trump’s appearance has sparked a multitude of presidential candidate cameos on many television shows, including Jeb Bush appearing on Empire as the token white friend, Chris Christie appearing on a 9/11 conspiracy special on the History Channel, and Ben Carson on NCIS as a dead body.

At a recent press conference in Iowa, Bernie Sanders

was asked if he would also cameo on a television show.

Sanders responded that he thinks it is a “waste of time” and that Clinton needs to start focusing on the “issues,” like the “depleting middle class” if she wants to beat him for the nomination.

Later that day Clinton’s twitter account responded saying “LOL OMG ROFL LMAO DTF amiright guys?”

During the actual episode, Clinton appeared during a letter segment to help teach the letter ‘V’.

“V is for a vote!” Clinton told Cookie Monster, “Votes are much better than cookies because they elect me, Hillary Clinton, as President!

Make sure all you millennials vote for me! Please!”

Clinton then reportedly went to shake the hand of Cookie Monster’s puppeteer through the puppet as a child screamed out, “WHY IS THAT SCARY SMILE LADY CHOKING COOKIE MONSTER?” After the appearance on Sesame Street, polls barely grew for Clinton among younger voters and sank among preschool children.

As a last ditch effort to appeal to the young voters and to clean up the mess from Sesame Street, Clinton made a shocking announcement.

“I hereby declare that I am endorsing Bernie Sanders for President of the United States,” Clinton said. “Young people love him, so this will finally get them all to support me! Bernie for President!”

Ways Your Last DIY Project Is Like Your Last DUI 10. “Honey, it’s fine. I can do this” 9. You’re now banned from Michaels 8. It now takes additional steps to start up your car 7. You did it by yourself 6. You still can’t find your power sander 5. Halfway through you got distracted and started drinking a beer 4. An excess of glass bottles 3. At least you gained experience for next time 2. You’ve never been so intimate with a two by four 1. You were drunk

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Assistant Content Editor........Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor.........Lauren Kirkbride Assistant Design Editor..........Ingrid Sorensen Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor Assistant Graphics Editor..........Connor Gorry

Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke Assistant Copy Editor...................Jaz Twersky Publicity & Social Editor.........Katherine Wood Assistant Publicity Editor..........Summer Davis Assistant Social Editor.............Hannah Lykins Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Lieutenant.........Chelsea Andretta Distribution Lieutenant..............Daniel Clinton Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

We couldn’t remember which way stage left was.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I’m very happy to say that rumors of our death have been greatly exaggerated. The very existence of this issue was threatened by A.S.’s efforts to “improve” campus media by eliminating it, but our printing will continue as normal for the rest of the year thanks to a generous allocation by the Muir College Council. While that’s a great burden lifted off my shoulders, it’s nothing compared to the effect of the 11(!) new editors we’ve added since the last issue. Lauren and Ingrid provided design guru Romelle with much-needed reinforcements, giving her time to make what is probably the most work-intensive, beautiful Centerspread we’ve ever printed. Connor maintained his reputation as a graphical powerhouse with M&Ms I don’t think anyone was prepared for. Jaz’s dedication to copy reassured me that my old department is in good hands, and Summer and Hannah L. have fallen right into their role as the new Team Social. And Chris, Cole and Matt’s hard work brought Hannah’s workload down to something that could possibly be considered sane. Maybe. But it wasn’t just the editors who made an impact. Nadia came to her first production ready to impress, and her hard work on graphics really paid off. Leo’s demo of his “serenade look” left us confused and a bit scarred. And Elizabeth’s long-awaited return from London gave us some much-appreciated English charm. In short, this production was about rebirth and renewal: Of our ed board, our funding, and our dildos. Such is the way of things.

Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Judy Chen Matt Cusolito Chris Doherty Jose Espinoza Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan

Leo Grabowski Joia Herbert Dylan Higelmire Philip Hodgson Arya Kaul Chris Lee Nadia Link Ben Levin Eric Luong Parker Mace

Ryan Maher Uma Mahto PJ Marrymee Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon V. Tarini Naidu Elizabeth O’Neil Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg

Anthony Showalter Nicoletta Skaggs Ann Tong Luke Tribble Irene Tsao Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Booster Club Thanks to Riley for bringing so much water and soda I thought we would never run out (though I was wrong). Thanks to Hannah for giving generously of her dining dollars, and to Hannah for bringing trail mix and other great snacks. Thanks to Jen for bringing a lovely Christmas cake that matched this issue’s color scheme beautifully. Thank you to Justin Glover for bringing us more bagels and other baked goods than we knew what to do with. And finally, a huge thanks to the Muir College Council, whose generosity made this issue possible.

theMQ.org

February 3, 2016

Page 3

Linguists Discover “i” in Team

EDITORIAL

America’s Soup: A Great White Cream of Diversity

By tED CRUZ

Republican Presidential Candidate and Amateur Cook

T “Man, Coach Matthews is really gonna eat his words now. ‘No “i” in team,’ my ass!” said the researcher.

By Jaz Twersky

Assistant Copy Editor

A

group of local linguists discovered Tuesday that, contrary to a popular aphorism, there is in fact an ‘i’ in “team.” Although a representative from the gaggle of linguists insisted it’s merely “an unsurprising orthographic finding consistent with standard phonetic vowel transcription,” local media outlets such as the Serious Reliable News Bulletin and Sensational Stupendous Daily Paper have heralded this respectively as “a major scientific breakthrough!” and “a groundbreaking finding that changes everything!”

“Look, we should have known this ages ago,” sighed another member of this committee of linguists. “If you write based on sounds, instead of arbitrary rules based on history like the rest of you plebs, which the basic premise behind the International

Phonetic Alphabet — I can’t believe we’re still dealing with explaining this to you people — then the sound ‘ee’ is written with that lowercase ‘i,’ especially if I do it like this!’”

The linguist then strangely contorted her face, stretching her lips extremely widely and lifting her chin slightly.

The herd of linguists were then asked about the fact that most of the literate Englishspeaking world believes there is no ‘i’ in team, and that there has been a catchy saying about teamwork based on that fact. A linguist from the flock snapped “Well, there’s also a ‘u’ in ‘failing to understand coincidences’ and an ‘i’ in ‘making decisions about how to work with people that aren’t based on spelling.’”

Another member of the pod of linguists offered a further explanation, to clarify the overly vernacular terminology: “It requires merely a basic acoustic understanding of the anaphoric spectral

fundamentals that comprise all of the graphemes which form our standard orthography to realize that phonetically and phonemically, [tim] is the proper spelling because the allophonic waveforms underlying the morphemes suggest that colorless green groups of people sleep furiously.”

Some, like Professor Juliana Herst, in the neighboring Philosophy department, have celebrated the new finding.

“This finding opens up such fascinating ethical implications,” she said. “If an ‘i’ can be in ‘team,’ what does that say about the sacrosanct nature of aphorisms? Could there be non-busy bees? Could pots conceivably call kettles black? Could horses be forced to drink if led to water, and doesn’t that violate the personal agency of the horse? Should people who live in glass houses pick up stone-throwing as a hobby?”

Fellow philosopher Ayah

PHOTO By jen windsor

Hosseini suggested that the inherent truth of aphorisms was present whether or not science accorded with it, and the philosophers fell into a debate about the platonic ideal of an aphorism. The union of philosophers is unable to provide a statement on their collective response to the new linguistic finding.

Josie Mandson, a UC San Diego Human Resource representative who happened to be in the Linguistics building at the time of the study’s release and was thus available for comment, expressed her deep disappointment about the new scientific discovery.

“What am I going to tell people now to motivate them to subsume their own personal desires and exert thankless effort as part of an anonymous hive of workers?”

The parliament of linguists replied officially with a shrug.

“That’s not our problem,” said the tim.

Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA

By Cole Steffensen

S

Business Editor

an Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded their plane to Los Angeles on Sunday, sources report.

Tensions between the mayor and the Chargers had become strained when, in early January, the team was offered a new job in Los Angeles. Sources reported that Faulconer was supportive of the Chargers’ move, and didn’t want to get in the way of the NFL team’s career goals.

“I understand,” said Faulconer in a press report.

“Hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun together while you’re still here, right? Let’s just live in the moment. Let’s just live in the now, and see where we are in a month.”

The Chargers replied with openness to the idea, but began packing their possessions into boxes the next day.

Relations took an additional strain when Faulconer discovered the Chargers would be sharing a living space with the Saint Louis Rams, which conflicted with the Chargers’ earlier story. According to Faulconer, the understanding was that the Chargers would “shack up” at their cousin’s, the Oakland Raiders’, place in Carson until they could find a stadium to live in on their own.

“It’s not like I’m jealous or anything, I know you two have a history together, and that’s fine with me,” Faulconer sent in an email to the team. “I just wish you would’ve told me.”

PHOTO By KATHERINE WOOD

“You’re the most important person in the world to me,” Faulconer said, before reaching for the next Chargers player and saying, “You’re the most important person in the world to me.”

On Sunday night, Faulconer was seen standing outside the Chargers’ home, Qualcomm Stadium, holding a boombox loaded with a cassette of Barry White’s “Standing in the Shadows of Love” over his head, only to realize the team was not home.

Faulconer then reportedly went inside, where he found an old box of photos belonging to the Chargers. Upon looking at a picture of himself and the Chargers having a picnic at Balboa Park, Faulconer called a special motorcade to reach San Diego International Airport before the Chargers boarded their plane. A picture of defensive lineman Ricardo Matthews mid-undress fell out of Faulconer’s back pocket as he entered his limousine.

Sources report that, when seeing the line for airport

security, Faulconer pleaded with the crowd to let him pass.

“There’s a very special football team that’s about to get on a plane, and I need to stop them,” said Faulconer. “This is the kind of NFL team that only comes around once in a lifetime, and it’s taken me until today to realize that.”

The TSA officers, initially reluctant to allow Faulconer through without a ticket, were visibly swayed after Faulconer’s speech. One officer, with a tear rolling down his cheek, instructed Faulconer to, “hold [the Chargers], and never let them go.”

“It was amazing,” said Laura Chu, who was in line with her family when Faulconer arrived. “It’s clear he really loves that team, and gives them priority over

every other issue facing San Diego. Who am I to stand between a mayor and a multimillion dollar sports team?”

“Please take me back,” said Faulconer at the boarding gate. “It’ll be different this time. I swear.” According to sources, Faulconer then fell to his knee and pulled out 51 small velvet boxes, which he opened one at a time, revealing 51 identical diamond rings.

“The San Diego Chargers, would you do me the honor of being the only NFL team for me for the rest of our lives?”

According to sources, the Chargers appeared briefly apprehensive, then accepted. As the Chargers dogpiled on top of San Diego’s mayor, a cheer was heard from the crowd.

hink of the United States not as a great melting pot of steels and irons, but as a large cauldron cooking up a mighty fine Texas black bean soup.

The soup has been on the stove for hundreds of years, and through decades and centuries of hard work and traditional family values, this soup has become the most exceptional one of its kind in the Western world. Why is it, then, that a small handful of people and ingredients are trying to ruin this hearty stew we’ve boiled up so deliberately?

In the beginning, things were rough, sure. We had to power wash all the native gunk stuck to the bottom of the pot. There was just no way to build a proper soup with such bacteria living next to the fresh ingredients. And then, sure, we let the black beans boil separately from the pinto beans for a while, and we only added them in bit by bit, first about 60 percent, then all of them. But we were just following the Constituti-err-recipe.

Along the way we poured in some mexicorn, some Chinese five-spice, and various other spices — of course not in too much excess. For a brief moment while simmering, we needed to separate the Japanese Udo from the rest of the

soup, but that was just to make sure it wasn’t overpowering the other ingredients. You have to remember, this was at a time when the potatoes, sauerkraut, and cauliflower had been soaking for a while, and we had to make sure the Udo wasn’t being loyal to the wrong soup.

So now we reach 2008.

Chef Bush hands his successor the toque blanche and apron and everything goes to shit.

All of a sudden cans and cans of mexicorn are being poured in, without consideration for other vegetables and without ensuring the mexicorn will contribute their fair share.

On top of that Chef Obama is letting in unregulated amounts of spices — cumin, cardamom, turmeric — and we haven’t even properly checked what their effect on the soup will be. We’ve seen time and time again in Dutch soups, in French soups, how large amounts of spices can bring a pot to its knees, but our chef won’t learn.

And worse than that, he’s constantly acting to take away our salt and pepper. Chef Obama is doing everything in his powers to ensure that you and I don’t have the tools necessary to neutralize these dangerous flavors if we must.

What do we do about the state of our soup? I’ll tell you what. With me wearing the apron we’ll return to a solid, traditional recipe. I’ll personally drain out every piece of mexicorn that’s boiling illegally. I’ll make sure we have proper taste tests of every grain of overseas spices that try to enter this soup. And I’ll make damn certain the kitchen staff stay out of your bowl; you can have as much salt and pepper as you please. With me we can return to the hardy and simple soup of the past, just like the recipe and its first curators — George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and Paula Deen — intended.

TOP Ten

Little Known Environmental Problems 10. The oil spill on Mars that NASA doesn’t want you to know about 9. Global warming is actually caused by people measuring CO2 levels 8. There are too many trees and now it’s causing overcrowding in tree cities 7. When some colored flowers show up in a field full of white flowers, all the white flowers leave 6. A difficult math problem on the amount of energy that solar panels generate 5. Flower over-farming is leading to a price increase, which means that many local diners have to use fake flowers on their tables, which causes people to slightly judge them for using fake flowers on their tables 4. The pandas are eating all the bamboo in China, leaving less bamboo for the pandas, so we should kill all the pandas 3. Global warming is making the temperature much more comfortable for our reptilian underlords 2. The bins you think are for “recycling” are actually part of a secret government program to choke baby animals with random pieces of litter 1. The Hundred Acre Wood is now the 25 Acre Wood

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theMQ.org

February 3, 2016

White Militia Man, Not Terrorist, Wanted After NonTerrorist Attack

iPod Maker Apple Announces Plans to Develop Mobile Phone

By Riley D. Mallory MQ Mom

F

ollowing an incident on Jan. 18 in which he fired an assault rifle at an Oklahoma Court House for “five uninterrupted minutes,” white militia member Stephen Kelly is currently wanted for questioning to determine if his “legitimate political protest” may have represented reckless endangerment. The Oklahoma City District Attorney has elected not to pursue charges for domestic terrorism. The protest killed five and injured 46 more.

Kelly, who posted a video of himself on social media holding an automatic rifle and professing a set of extremist religious beliefs that include the use of violence against civilians, is firmly not a terrorist. He is also wanted for questioning in many states for non-terrorism related bombings of markets and schools.

In addition to performing political demonstrations, Kelly heads a paramilitary “non-terroristy” organization, Death to America’s Lack of Freedom. Death to America’s Lack of Freedom was briefly being investigated by the federal government for extremist behavior until everyone “freaked out or whatever,” according to President Barack Obama. Now, they have been classified by the government as a “Freedom Organization,” and given tax benefits to make up for the prior suspicion.

Kelly’s organization is part of a broader movement in the United States referred to as the Militia Movement.

PHOTO By connor gorry

Apple co-founder Steve Jobs was later criticized for his bold fashion choices, when Bill Gates cautioned him that “turtlenecks won’t catch on; sloppy dress shirts will be in forever.”

by Amin Fozi Staff Writer

A PHOTO By lawrence lee

Upon further inspection, the officer of the courthouse did confiscate Kellys’ tweezers and keys, deeming them to be “dangerous if they came into the wrong hands.”

The Militia Movement, unlike terrorist movements, is a growing group of primarily white males concerned with government overreach and encouraging the death of minorities. The growth of the militia movement has, in large part, been made up of the same group of disillusioned, extremism and violence-oriented white males that could have been drawn into the Ku Klux Klan in previous generations.

However, commentators argue there are many differences between these militia groups and terrorist groups.

“For example,” said CNBC Contributor Chuck Allen. “ …. ” The Oklahoma District Attorney held a press conference last week with the in-

tention of clarifying why Kelly was not being charged with domestic terrorism. However, this wound up being unnecessary, given that no press journalists asked any questions regarding terrorism, or mentioned the word terrorism in any articles related to Kelly. Instead, the press conference focused on the potential charge of reckless endangerment, and whether a fine should be levied against Kelly for forcing city service workers to sweep up “thousands of spent shell casings” following his “political demonstration.”

“If this is a legitimate form of protest — and I’ve been given no reason to believe it’s not — I see no reason to take legal action against this man, either criminally or civilly,”

said District Attorney Arthur Jones. “White speech is sp- I mean speech is speech. And we should accept a little inconvenience for sustained, longer lasting freedom for whi- all. All.” Jones, who is many things, none of which are a terrorist, has listed his inspirations as “The Unabomber,” Timothy McVeigh, and The Monkies.

Republican Presidential Candidate Marco Rubio said of the growing white militia movement, “Except for walking like a terrorist, quacking like a terrorist, and disregarding the values of innocent lives in the face of a set of political and religious ideology borne out of centuries of colonialism like a terrorist, I see no solid reason to call these people terrorists.”

Ten Dead in Fire at Exit Sign Factory, Unable to Find Real Exit

By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor

O

fficial investigation has intensified regarding ExitCo, the world’s leading manufacturer of exit signs, in the aftermath of a recent fire at a major ExitCo production center in Phoenix, Arizona, which reportedly claimed the lives of 10 workers who were unable to locate the factory’s exit due to the abundance of exit signs inside the facility.

The devastating blaze has ignited concerns over the future of the exit sign industry after this debilitating blow for ExitCo, once described as “too big to fail” and “the shining light in the dark movie theater of the world.”

The fire reportedly began at a neighboring fire alarm factory, while most workers at the exit sign factory believed it to be a false alarm.

No evacuation was ordered until many employees began to suspect that the situation was more serious than they initially thought. One survivor recounted, “I didn’t even know that there was an actual fire until I noticed third-degree burns appearing all over my body.” The manufacturing plant’s architecture, described by ExitCo as the “pinnacle of optimal exit sign feng shui,” reportedly contributed to the alarmingly rapid spread of the fire through the facility. Particularly exacerbating the situation were features such as the ventilation system, which is “designed to make the workspace feel just like Santa Ana,” and the “employee bonfire sites” in important corridors.

According to survivor accounts, the evacuating workers were unable to reliably navigate the burning building due to confusion over which exit signs they

pple Inc., a Cupertinobased tech startup best known for releasing a portable music player in the previous decade, just announced a projected release date for their first mobile phone. Since the “iPod,” little has come out from Apple other than a few scattered computer projects. However, the small MP3 player company plans to turn the tide by releasing their new cellular phone.

“There are a lot of good smartphones out there,” said Apple’s marketing VP Phil Schiller. “Nokia has the NGage, one of the most durable machines on the market. RIM has the Blackberry’s central keyboard which can be used for quick emailing. Google tried changing the game by releasing Android, an operating system that takes input from phones with a physical dial attached. Where do we fit in? I’ll show you.”

Schiller demonstrated that the “iPhone” will be able to make calls using technology not used on the iPod. Instead of buttons or a dial, it will use revolutionary technology called the “phone screen” to display possible digits that the user can permute into phone numbers.

Although mentioning Apple Inc. doesn’t turn an awful lot of heads right now, they hope to gain some recognition through this innovative design.

In addition, the phone purports to be a “widescreen iPod.” Reporters badgered Apple’s PR department to explain how music can be enhanced through widescreen, which prompted the announcement that the new device is capable of playing “music-videos.”

These videos will be distributed through an obscure online service used for their MP3 player.

It’s unknown if Apple is going to make a new version of this software to work with their phones, or if the phone’s version of the MP3 player software was made for compatibility.

Analysts have been largely critical of Apple’s bold claims.

One naysayer is columnist John Dvorak.

“Apple is a company that doesn’t know how to read the market,” Dvorak writes. “Like I’ve said before, there is no evidence that people want to use these things. I was right in 1984, when they shipped computers with a mouse [an obscure pointing device]. Now they’re talking about putting buttons on a screen? Next you’ll hear the phone flips horizontally instead of vertically.”

Possibly the strangest part of Apple’s announcement was that the Apple Phone would be a “breakthrough internet communications device.” The internet stuck out like a sore thumb among the newer technologies at Apple’s event.

“You see, in the 90s, they had this great idea,” Schiller explained, “Create an electronic library to share and hold information. You might not know this, but even today the internet is up and running, and we plan to make good use of it on the mobile platform.”

This announcement has led to rumors that Apple is planning to purchase the repository and monopolize on it.

It remains to be seen how Apple can afford to distribute a product like this all over the country, how they will be able to build brand recognition, or who would want to replace their MP3 player and their phone at the same time.

TOP Ten

Things Only the Next Generation of Kids Will Understand

PHOTO By lawrence lee

While there is no concrete proof, the fire factory next door is suspected to have started the whole thing. needed to pay attention to.

A significant number of the casualties have been blamed on exit signs leading workers into dead-ends, roof cave-ins, or burning piles of more exit signs. One worker described the experience as “like that thing where you have auditory hallucination, but the voices are exit signs.”

The fire is the latest in a string of disasters at ExitCo factories around the world.

The series of conflagrations has raised a multitude of concerns over the direction of the exit sign industry, and, to a much smaller extent, the safety of exit sign laborers.

“Yes, the massive casualties are quite tragic, but that’s not the crisis at hand,” said ExitCo CEO Larawald “Larry” Exit. “The real tragedy here is the impact on the global exit

sign trade. We’re the biggest producers in the industry, and half of our wares have gone up in smoke. It’s simple supply and demand, people! Our supply goes down, what happens next? Demand tanks, synergy implodes, and it takes global gross exit sign product and exit-sign efficacy equality with it! The world revolves around exit signs. The Sun? A giant exit sign. Literally nothing can exist without exit signs! You can’t spell ‘exist’ without most of the letters in ‘exit sign!’”

In addition to distress over the state of the industry, ExitCo is also facing increased scrutiny from labor organizations. The president of the National Exit Sign Professionals Union, Leigh Bohr, delivered a particularly scathing denouncement of the company, outlining in

great detail how the company acted “not good” and urging the company to “do things that are not bad.” In addition to these criticisms, Bohr also made emphatic demands to “raise my salary this year by 400 percent so I can make them do good this time.” Bohr could not be reached for further comment as he reportedly spent the rest of the press conference Snapchatting with the VP of ExitCo. While government legislative bodies have not yet reacted to the emerging crisis, the Occupational Safety and Health Association has already taken action. In an official statement, OSHA asserted that “exit signs are the root of this tragedy” and has ordered ExitCo to remove all exit signs from their facilities.

10. President Gorkshmeed is a proud ReptilianAmerican, and he’s just like the rest of us 9. The long-term effects of keeping a cellphone in your pocket 8. The entirety of “The Fountainhead” as a really long national anthem 7. How to properly do “the spatula” 6. How annoying it is to have to roll out of bed and put on all that gear before you go out to explore the nuclear wasteland 5. The plot line of the 48th season of Degrassi 4. The pain in the ass of having to spend one full hour getting your teeth straightened 3. That staring at iPad screens for your entire childhood actually gives you superpowers 2. That the show “Big Brother” ends up incorporating the entirety of the United States 1. What a bunch of assholes those millennials were

February 3, 2016

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Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe

A Brief History of the Academy Awards

It’s almost time for the 88th Academy Awards! In honor of this glorious time for film, a time where every nationality and creed are being fully represented in the world of cinema and in no way are being subject to decades of exclusion, we, the Academy, have designed this helpful timeline to take you through the years of movie magic and diversity of experience.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences began in the 1920s with a silent awards ceremony, since sound had not yet been introduced to the world. Thus the award ceremony took twice as long, with all the dialogue being presented in text frames.

Further studies later confirmed that broken microwaves are, in fact, dumpster safe.

By Leo Grabowski Staff Writer

R

ecent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon.

“It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research provides the first concrete proof,” said Justin Wong, leader of the student research group.

“Just as was mathematically predicted years ago, our experiment was safe neither for the raccoons nor the microwave,” Wong continued.

The applications for this knowledge are thousand-fold.

Initially, I got involved with the experiments because I’m a communications major, so I have literally nothing better to do with my time than stuff raccoons into microwaves to

see what happens, and I was thrilled to find a way to get paid for doing what I was going to do anyways.

“This research, however, turned out to be so much more. Now, I can say that I was involved in research that will surely change millions of lives for the better. Not raccoon lives, obviously, but you know what I mean.”

Two prominent applications of the study’s findings are in the culinary arts and in animal control. Genevieve Willis, head of Warren College Pest Control, commented, “Raccoons have the second worst infestation of any pest in Warren, behind only douchebag engineers. If it weren’t for this very important study, we may have never known the risks of disposing of raccoons in microwaves. Testing on whether or not douchebag

engineers are microwave safe is scheduled to begin next month.”

Gordon Ray, “Head” “Chef” at Canyon Vista “Restaurant,” expressed similar hopeful sentiments.

“Without this study, who knows?” he said. “Maybe some student worker would keep microwaving our raccoon tenders instead of deep frying them. We currently believe deep frying raccoons is significantly safer than microwaving them, but I’m hesitant to make any promises. Did I say raccoon tenders? I meant to say paninis.

This is off the record, right?”

Certain activists have taken issue with the ethics of the experiment, including Jasmine Wright, president of Cruelty-Free Cooking San Diego, or CFC-SD. “I can hardly comprehend

In the 1930s, the Great Depression hit the motion picture industry hard with the awards temporarily being made of cardboard and tin foil. Due to a lack of actual films being produced, the famous photo ‘Migrant Mother’ ended up winning Best Picture.

PHOTO By cole steffensen

the moral bankruptcy implied of the experimenters by their methods,” she said. “Hopefully, this will draw attention to the growing crisis of cruelty to cooking appliances. CFC dreams of the day when mankind can live in harmony with ovens, toasters, tea kettles, grills, and yes, even the lowly microwave.” Wright refused to comment on the effects of CFC-SD on the ozone layer.

Emily Ruiz, one of the researchers, has expressed hope for her group’s work to continue. “I hope to someday microwave a ferret or a platypus.

Then, once I’ve been established on the microwave scene, I could graduate to guinea pigs and seagulls. I could also see myself going in an endangered species direction — I could be the first scientist to microwave a Bengal Tiger. I better get that done soon, though.”

In the 1950s the Academy finalled transitioned from chocolate awards to solid metal awards, a decision that lead to the death of producer Garry Henderson who missed the announcement of the change. This was also the decade of the first ever successful self-back-pat and when actresses began to be paid a few cents to a man’s dollar.

The 1980s ushered in an era of corporate America, hair-metal, and teenage rebellion, a change reflected by the new hip and rad design of the Oscar award. Surprisingly The Breakfast Club sequel, “The Lunch Group” lost in the Best Picture category.

Area Woman Decides in Record Time to Not Have Sex with Tinder Date

By Chelsea Andretta Distribution Lieutenant

G

uinness World Records recently awarded their prestigious award for “quickest time for deciding not to have sexual intercourse with another human (male)” to Patricia Cornbread, officially recorded at a mere 7.2 seconds.

Cornbread breezed past the previous record, which was held by Taylor “Too Cool For You” Springstein, who decided a certain Brad was “just not her type,” at an impressive time of 9.4 seconds.

According to Cornbread, the feat was accomplished two weeks previous while she was scrolling through Tinder accompanied by a pair of female friends at a sleepover. “I didn’t expect to break any records,” she laughed. “I just wanted to find someone to make me whole, someone to keep me warm at night, someone to know the deepest ins and outs of what makes me who I am … or, you know, someone cute!”

When pushed to define what exactly she would find “cute,” Cornbread rolled her eyes and made a crude hand gesture.

The rejected male in question, Steven Waterfield, is not a typical Friday night catch according to a recent poll amongst female fishermen.

However, he claims he still has a lot to offer. “I’m honestly not sure why Patricia wouldn’t have sex with me. On my Tinder profile I have lots of emojis to show my interests, I’m honest about my previous relationships in detail, and I even

PHOTO By jen windsor

The world record was later dismissed by Guinness World Record officials, when Cornbread was found to have used performance-enhancing drugs in her thumb. have a picture of my boner showing through my gym shorts! Chicks love that shit!”

Cornbread reported that she, in fact, “did not love that shit,” and that she has other ideas for what she would like in a man for the evening. “If I wanted to get down and dirty with someone, I’d need them to at least have one picture of their six pack or maybe some Taylor Swift lyrics. I need something to get me hot and heavy in my crotch AND my heart, you know?”

“I’m proud of my daughter for knowing what she wants,” Cornbread’s mother

remarked after being asked if she approved of Cornbread’s latest achievement. “I raised her to have high standards in every aspect of her life, especially to know when to hit it and when to quit it.”

Men’s rights activist group ‘Men For Equal Sex Opportunity’ has decided to support Steven and protest Guinness’ decision to award Cornbread “based on such lowly standards.” The group claims to stand up for all men everywhere who have been subjected to objectification by women. “It’s just not fair for her to judge us based on outward appear-

ances,” one activist claimed.

“Some of us have real depth to our character. Besides, she can’t tell the size of our dicks from a picture alone!”

One recent study has shown that Waterfield still has yet to receive any female attention in or out of the bedroom. While Men For Equal Sex Opportunity pledged to rally in solidarity with Waterfield, there is little indication that any of the group’s members will make good on the promise, as many of them were reportedly last seen admiring their penises in a bathroom mirror.

In the 1990s, Jurassic Park was awarded an honorary Best Picture for its damning exposé of the dramatic corruption of the Jurassic Period. 65 million years after its original release, the honorary award was given in the shape of a T-Rex to the closest descendent of the director, his extremely distant cousin Steven Spielberg.

With a sleek new finish and look, the all cream-white Oscar award released for 2016promises to impress. Being called the “Moby Dick” of Oscars, this statue is a consistent, piercing white shade, whitewashed several times over to ensure homogeneity of color. We look forward to handing each of the identical awards out to countless winners, over and over again in the future.

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February 3, 2016

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HILLARY CLINTON

The Race t Ne

This is her chance. She’s the good Clinton. She’s already lost a nomination to a youthful, grassroots, issue-focused candidate, so she can’t lose again.

Special Abilities: Creeping Inevitability. Hillary does not roll but moves one space forward every time another candidate moves. On her turn, she performs the action of the space she's on.

You haven’t done anything noteworthy recently. Move forward 2 spaces.

“New Hampshire is so chill, amirite?”

BERNIE SANDERS

Martin O’Malley actually makes a good point. Move back 2 spaces.

The last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Spends his free time as a spectre haunting Washington, D.C. and riding public transportation.

Special Abilities: Feel the Bern.

Bernie’s player has to take all of the money from their wallet and redistribute it evenly amongst all other players.

“I get it. These Reddit and Youtubes guys love me, but none of them have been able to plug my Gmail back in.”

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DONALD J. TRUMP You know him from the Celebrity Apprentice. You know him from his cameo in “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” He aspires to prove America is better than China by building a greater wall. He’s got a Trump card, and he’s not afraid to use it.

Special Abilities: Smart Financing. Begins with the slight advantage of a million dollars.

“The only man that could ever out argue me is me, and he’s my strongest supporter.”

You recently changed your opinion to match the current political climate. Move forward 3 spaces.

You actually went to the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot somebody.

You lose a ton of voters. Move back 1 space.

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JEB BUSH This is his chance. He’s the good Bush. He dreamed of being a middle school P.E. teacher, but he has to make his dad proud by taking over the family business.

Special Abilities: Endearing.

He’s endearing.

“Dad said if I don’t win this one, I’ll have to find somewhere else to spend Thanksgiving.”

n

A thousand eyes stare, a thousand mouths speak, a thousand stomachs hunger, and a thousand minds dream. They stand strong in their stance on strongstanding strengths. As candidates lose or fall out of the race, they are added to the amorphous blob.

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GOP AMORPHOUS BLOB

Special Abilities: Persistence is Futile. Won’t win.

Donald Trump mentions you during one of his rallies.

You get a few minutes to respond to it on Fox News. Move forward 1 space.

Reignite the passions of a youthful Republican Party! Haha! Just kidding. Move back 1 space.

HOW TO PLAY: 1.

“God, America, freedom, borders, guns, protection, ISIS, 9/11, immigrants. ”

Each player chooses the campaign trail of the political candidate they are most okay with. We know none of them are perfect, but you’re going to have to settle. It’s the democratic way.

2.

To begin the game, determine who has the most cash in their wallet; they get to go first.

3.

On your turn, roll a six-sided die and move the number of spaces the die indicates.

4.

When Hillary moves forwards, everyone has to stop and watch; when Bernie moves forwards, everyone has to look away, and pretend to ignore him.

5.

If someone yawns during the game, a sleeping Ben Carson blocks your path and you lose one turn.

6.

Wolf Attack: Whenever someone rolls a four, that person is victim to a Wolf Attack. That player has to give a two minute filibuster to convince the other players why we should or should not wage war against attacking wolves.

The player must move back three spaces if they fail to get twothirds vote agreement from the other players.

7.

If you live in Iowa, you are not allowed to play. Your time has passed.

(FOR AGES 35-74)

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February 3, 2016

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Oh god, that face.

Move back 1 space.

Page 7

It’s down to the nitty-gritty. The New Hampshire Primaries are almost here! These presidential candidates are raring to go, and it’s up to you to win the nomination. Whoever can collect enough money and publicity and make it to New Hampshire first on their campaign trail wins!

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This is a completely necessary part of the political process.

A

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Local Cop Unsure If Woman Shouting “What Have I Done?”

Is Doing So Rhetorically

SUPER BOWL AD PREVIEWS EXCLUSIVE EARLY RELEASE! In a rare look, we have previews of some of the most highly anticipated Super Bowl ads of the year. Feast your eyes on this peek of the soon-to-come full length feature ads to premiere in your very home on Super Bowl Sunday!

PHOTO By Lawerence Lee

The officer became more concerned about the woman’s state when she looked momentarily confused, and began yelling about a “line” to someone.

By Barak Tzori

L

Managing Editor

ocal police sergeant Frederick Huntsberry stumbled upon a peculiar scene last night when he found a woman kneeling in the middle of the streets, staring at her palms and shouting “Oh God, what have I done!”

Huntsberry explained to reporters what made the event seem so strange.

“I couldn’t see perfectly, but something was draped over her knees, something almost in the shape of a body.

And you could tell that her hands were a deep glossy red by the oddly placed, extremely bright streetlight that shone down on her.”

In his statement Hunstberry then said that things became “really like something out of a movie.”

“After I arrived the woman looked away from her hands and up at the sky, screaming,” he continued. “Then I noticed

it was raining, but not where I was standing, only above the part of the street she was on. It was kind of hard to see, though, past the twentysomething person crew with cameras and microphones pointed at her.”

A separate eye-witness to the event, Brad Grey, A.S.C., offered his telling of what occurred. “Huntsley or whatever his name is was just standing there like an idiot. He kept looking around like he was lost. He was supposed to draw his gun and run into the shot as we pan out to show the skyline. The whole thing would end with a beautiful realization of sin, but we couldn’t do that until that dumb character actor got into the scene.”

“I was so deeply puzzled by what was going on,” Huntsberry went on. “First the woman in the rain was yelling, then some other lady started yelling. She turns to me and screams ‘Cut! Cut!’ I don’t think I’ve ever met

this woman, but she starts insulting me and asking me if I know how much it costs to run this rain machine.

What rain machine? I’m just a naive, but loyal officer blinded by justice trying to slowly rise through the ranks to make detective while still caring for my wife and two kids, why would I know about rain machines?”

Amy Powell, a film director who was nearby, claimed to have seen the entire odd moment take place. “Well, Huntsnuts or whoever just didn’t start his role. He knew his lines and rehearsal went fine, but for some reason he froze, as if he had forgotten all of his past acting experience. After a couple seconds passed we couldn’t keep waiting, so I shut down the production. When I started yelling at him from my chair he looked so blank.”

“Heinzbean took two entire days off of filming with that stunt, claiming he needed time to recover from see-

ing such a beautifully tragic occurrence,” said Grey. “Not only that, but now we have to cover worker’s comp and send him cards and flowers and all that shit.”

Wearing a blue spotted robe, officer Huntsberry leaned back in his bed and finished his statement. “Even after it all happened, I never learned why that woman was yelling so passionately, but I have a feeling that the event will continue to haunt me for the years to come as I struggle to overcome my own moral hesitations and slowly harden into a seasoned police chief.”

Grey, sitting atop the camera mount, shouted, “Action!” a final time, and a couple of stagehands started to pull the cart away from the threewalled hospital room. As the picture got wider and more of the background came into frame, a doctor’s clipboard could be seen, onto which two words were written neatly: “mild stroke.”

“ A Mouthful of Fresh Air ”

“ For The Murderous ”

Drug Dealer Has Poor Q4, Will Match Internet Prices

By Lawrence Lee

I

Graphics Editor

n response to vastly underwhelming profit margins in Q4 2015, Winnie “Whee” Dolores, Lorry Park’s local drug dealer, has announced a new policy of allowing internet “price-matching” on the sale of her various illegal opioids, amphetamines, and hallucinogens.

Along with the policy change, Dolores released the full financial report from the quarter, which detailed how her largely unlawful operation has seen a trend of declining revenue since Q1 2011.

“I’m really not sure how long I can stay afloat in this economy and this competitive market area,” Dolores explained. “I thought that the collapse of the Silk Road in 2013 would have really boosted my appeal as a small, local business to these people, but they just had to put up a 2.0 and a 3.0. It’s much easier to escape mass scrutiny from law enforcement when at least half the police force has purchased illicit substances from me.”

Analysts described the new policy of online price matching as an aggressive move to combat the historically persistent existence of various darkweb black markets.

“While I do offer a wide variety of locally-sourced and hand-picked selection for sale, there are a lot of customers who are more interested in the admittedly cheaper alternatives available online,” Dolores said. “As such, I’m

“ Melts In Your Mouth ” PHOTO By nadia link

The neighborhood kids reported that they always wondered why Dolores’ knitting needles had plungers on them. hoping that by meeting those online prices, my patrons will be able to purchase their illegal substances from me with confidence that they’re getting the best deal they can.”

Many in the Lorry Park community have stepped up to publicly support Dolores, a longtime resident of the quaint, 1500-sq-ft suburb.

“Whee’s got a really good reputation in our small, tightknit community,” said one neighbor. “It is unfortunate that her prices have been just a bit too high these past few years, but this could really turn it around for her.”

“When my son turned 16 and wanted to smoke weed for the first time, I knew I could trust Whee’s recom-

mendation,” recalled Lorry Park Community Center manager Jerry Brand. “And my mother-in-law sometimes takes ecstasy with her coffee, which explains how she got through my wedding, so Whee checks up on her every once in a while.”

“She’s always nice to the kids, holds entrepreneurship seminars, packs Adderall in these cute little packages for the teens — just a great figure in the community,” Brand continued. “Like a lot of the other folks out here, I’m hoping that her business rebounds bigger and better than before.”

Dolores’ released report concluded that her revenue would need to rise an estimated 30 percent over the

next two quarters for her practice to return to financial stability, which she admits is an improbability.

“Do I want to keep selling drugs?” she asked rhetorically. “Absolutely! But it’s rather unlikely at this point that even allowing price matching is going to significantly boost my revenue. And I can’t really complain if what I’m doing will give more members of the community better and cheaper access to the drugs they want to consume.”

“Well, at least I can be happy with the knowledge that I’ve helped the fine people of Lorry Park get fucked up for the past 12 years,” she laughed. “Here’s to doing it for 12 more!”

“ You Know You Want Some ”

February 3, 2016

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Rock the Vote Launches Bipartisan Smear Campaign

EDITORIAL

Hoverboards Are an Atrocity And Must Be Stopped!

By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor ock The Vote recently released a series of violent attack ads against both left- and right-winged frontrunner presidential candidates, targeting everything from their moral platforms, personal relations, and habit of wearing socks with flipflops around the house. The campaign, according to Rock the Vote officials, is aimed at encouraging the young voter population to become capable agents for change in the democratic process.

The ads included footage of candidates in compromising situations, and were first aired last Friday between 2 and 3 a.m. on MTV. Featured footage contained shots of Ben Carson smiling while administering a vaccine to a small, crying child, Bernie Sanders shaking hands with a Wall Street banker, and Marco Rubio saying “thank you” to a queer Iranian Obamacare recipient after buying a coffee from them.

Executive producer of the recent attack ads, Irving Gwinnett, explained that their new strategy to increase voter turnout centered around “getting back to the basics and reminding people of the core principles our founding fathers established; mudslinging and personal attacks.”

Many editors involved in the project claimed that it called for a large amount of collaboration and research.

However, according to one editor, Natasha Witherspoon, despite having to work long hours closely monitoring candidates, she still considered the campaign to be worthwhile. “I’m most proud of our work on Clinton.”

Witherspoon exclaimed, “It took a lot of digging, but we finally found solid evidence that her husband had an af-

R

By Marty Brown

Paraplegic Survivor

H

PHOTO By riley mallory

After being asked for comment regarding the photo, Sanders assured, “I did not have capitalist relations with that man.” fair during his presidency!”

Witherspoon believes the riveting Clinton sex scandal will arouse voters, and cause them to second guess their candidate choices after realizing Clinton was able to be so easily blindsided by her own husband, eventually leading to a more politically informed general public. She continued, “This discovery reveals just how universal the lust for scandal and personal conflict is among Americans, and shows the implementation of old-fashioned publicity techniques and campaign strategy into the fast-paced modern age. As I speak, we are in the process of restoring the film on a VHS tape that supposedly contains footage of the affair.”

“History shows us that revealing candidates’ flaws

and vulnerabilities helps to humanize them in the eyes of the public, and that is just the impact we have seen following this ad campaign,” Gwinnett explained. Numerous reports of protests and feverous emails in response to the ads have popped up across the country, as a diverse array of college students and other voters have come together to demonstrate that politeness to outsiders and tacky fashion choices are not acceptable for possible leaders of the nation.

After seeing such positive responses from the initial ads, Rock The Vote has already begin working on a second string of videos, projected to include compilations of the candidates tripping in public places, and smoking with various chil-

dren behind their elementary schools. Editors hope that these videos will make them seem like relatable, flawed candidates, and encourage people to make the effort to vote for the one they find least repulsive.

Gwinnett furthered, “When democracy was young, the individuals involved in it were just as full of passion and opinions as people today. However, now it seems the younger age demographic has lost their spark to take action. We are hoping to relight that much needed spark by giving them what they will truly respond to and become impassioned by, like a slightly grainy picture of Jeb Bush accidentally trying to put his pants on backwards.”

Feb. 14 Shows Up On Calendar Despite Numerous Restraining Orders

By Celesti Dactyl

D

Staff Writer

espite many singles requesting restraining orders after a tragic Valentine’s Days the preceding year, Feb. 14 has once again shown up with the changing of the month, accompanied by many telltale signs.

“Singles nationwide have called in with a mysterious illness today,” one official investigator reported. “They’ve reported an alarming number of disturbing symptoms, such as a crushing sense of dread, an erratically pounding heartbeat, and an all-consuming loneliness that prevents any productive actions except for lying on the couch singing ‘All

By Myself.’”

Natalie Drake, a third year UCSD student and lifetime single, sobbed, “Valentine’s Day is like an on-and-off relationship. You think you’re done with it but it just — keeps — coming — back no matter how hard you promise yourself not to let it in again.

Not that I would know anything about relationships,” she added with a tearful swipe to her left eye.

“It’s so needy,” chimed in Eliren Loi. “You practically have to buy gifts for that day.

If you don’t, you’ll look like an incompetent, insensitive jerk who doesn’t put in enough work or care about your relationship. Even if it’s actually true.”

“There’s so much effort involved,” agreed John Conner. “I have to buy roses.

The last time I gave someone roses, she left them out to die. Then a bee that tried to pollinate the roses got sick and stung a girl who was absolutely terrified of bees. She

PHOTO By riley mallory

The trial for yet another restraining order against the date had to be postponed when Feb. 14 brought out a box of chocolates as evidence and triggered one of the defendants’ severe peanut allergy. ran into the street and caused a car crash. One of the cars crashed into a building where a delicate rocket fuel test was being performed. The experiment blew up and the building exploded. It sent enough debris into the atmosphere to block out the sun for days and probably caused the extinction of several minor species. Can’t let that happen again.”

However, despite numerous complaints, Feb. 14 has returned with a vengeance.

“Valentine’s Day will never go out of style,” crowed Eros Cupid, a smug flower salesman.

“Who can beat the power of love, chocolate, and first-world materialistic tendencies?”

Many people disagree.

“It’s so darn expensive!” ranted Charles Maxis. “How am I supposed to buy my girlfriend the gifts she deserves when I can barely afford to buy myself cup noodles? I’m a starving college student for heaven’s sake.”

“My boyfriend and I recently broke up,” added Beatrice Moreno, a recent supporter of restraining Valentine’s Day. “Whatever will I do without a bouquet of roses and a bunch of balloons to show off to the world what a healthy and happy relationship I’m in?”

Martin Vladimir, another woebegone single, was found stuffing his face with chocolate. He refused to comment, claiming he was

“too busy eating and drinking his sorrows away.”

There were, however, a few couples who were perfectly happy with Feb. 14 coming their way.

“I get to show her how much I love her!” Leo Santiago said happily. “And it’s a great excuse to get laid,” he added.

Sources found that Santiago’s girlfriend dumped him soon after the interview. Observers later reported table flipping and distant screams of “I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY” echoing throughout Tenaya Hall that night.

At press time, muffled Taylor Swift lyrics could be heard from underneath Santiago’s door, interrupted by occasional sobs.

overboards. Let me tell you something about these rolling, devil-worshipping machines. You may have seen kids rolling around on these horrible contraptions, wobbling around like they own the sidewalk. These devices have to be the worst thing ever created by modern technology for one reason and one reason only: they don’t hover.

Back in 1989, Marty McFly glided with the grace of a dove across the silver screen and straight into my heart in the movie “Back to the Future Part II.” This movie introduced the world to the true futuristic marvel that is the hoverboard, igniting my tiny 21-year-old heart with childlike excitement and wonder. I waited patiently for the day when I could smoothly hover over every surface and away from all my crippling debt, lack of fatherly love, and Biff.

Come 2016, while the future is not as full of colorful spandex as the movie promised, I knew the hoverboards would soon be here. Imagine my excitement when I hear that not only do they exist, but are being sold in major retail stores! I ran so fast up the stairs of my parents’ basement I almost ran into my life-size Michael J. Fox cut-out. I took

all the allowance I had saved up and bought one as soon as I could. This was it! My life was finally complete!

Little did I know how wrong I was. This techno-deception machine was no hoverboard. It had wheels! Two of them! And it wasn’t even board shaped! I got on to see if maybe it would begin hovering and I immediately fell down and hit my head, giving me a concussion. Can you believe that? No hovering capabilities whatsoever.

After crying into my Delorean-themed sheets and bandaging my broken head, I decided I would not give up and gave the board another chance. After five days of continuous testing: riding the hoverboard over cliffs, buildings, and even over water, I ended up breaking both arms and three ribs. I came to the realization that this was no hoverboard in any way whatsoever. It was pure false advertising that had psychologically traumatized me for life.

Filled with shame and pent up anger, I spitefully rode the dream-crushing, piece of shit segway knockoff to the dumpster (I could not get off it, it was physically impossible) to destroy it once and for all. Then, if you would believe it, the board had the nerve to catch on fire, burn my parents’ house to the ground, and sear my entire body and paralyze me as if to say, “Hahaha, not even fire from a thousand rockets could make me hover!”

To say the least, I am furious. Not only was this false advertising and straight out lying to faithful fans of Back to the Future, but now my medical bills are so high that I can’t even afford to buy the supposed Lexus hoverboard prototype. But I know now I can’t trust anyone.

I’ve been burned before.

TOP Ten

Differences Between Your Crush And a Bucket Full Of Teeth 10. You only have one crush 9. It’s okay if the feds know about your crush 8. Your crush can’t fit in the overhead compartment as a carry-on bag 7. One of them is easily turned into sludge by Coca Cola 6. It didn’t take ten years of pain to get your crush 5. The bucket of teeth didn’t blow your neighbor John while you were at work 4. Your dentist didn’t try to out-do you with their crush 3. When your crush was stolen by a pack of jackals, you didn’t cry for a week 2. You didn’t sell your girlfriend on the deep web 1. One of them has teeth

UCSD’s second largest archery club.

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February 3, 2016

Local Journalist Thinks We Just Want Different Things, Joseph

Congratulations to the District-wide Poetry Finalists The moment all kids from San Diego Unified School District have been waiting for is finally here! The results for the “Poetry Is A Beneficial Activity For High School Kids To Take Part In” (PIABAFHSKTTPI) districtwide competition are in! Below are the haikus submitted by the finalists of the competition that demonstrated remarkable emotional and linguistic complexity.

Boron Quartz Mica Limestone Sulphur Gypsum Slate Jesus I love rocks — Daniel Clinton

Eucalyptus trees Smell like her that afternoon And giraffe catchers — Henrietta Thoreau

“Just to make sure this is very clear to everyone, I am single,” confirmed Burke.

By Evvan Burke

A

Copy Editor

s of press time, it is official that the former “power couple” consisting of Evvan Burke and Joseph Knolls, known by some as Jovvan, have broken up.

Insiders agree, however, that the romance died a while ago.

“We’ve been drifting apart for some time now,” said Burke about the separation.

“He’s just not the person I matched with on Tinder during my Freshman Seminar.”

Things started getting hairy after Knolls graduated last year with his degree in clinical astrology. The relationship experienced its greatest strain once it became clear that clinical astrology, despite “Saturn’s arrangement in the house of

Sagittarius,” would not “take off” as Knolls once claimed.

From then on, Knolls has spent most of his time rewatching lesser-known Netflix original TV shows, sleeping 18 hours a day, and eating reheated Slim Jims from the AM/PM on La Palma Drive.

Despite signs that things could improve when the couple willingly complied with the recent Supreme Court decision regarding same-sex marriage with a small civil ceremony, neighbors still reported seeing Joseph rarely leaving their apartment, doing laundry, or visiting their local gym.

Equally troubling, investigators believed, was the lack of results in their search history for websites like Indeed, Monster, and LinkedIn, and multiple results for

various television-based Buzzfeed quizzes.

“He’s been wearing sports jerseys for three weeks now.

The same team and player.

Nothing else,” Burke elaborated. “I’m all for breaking gay stereotypes but his side of the wardrobe looks like it belongs to a cartoon character. The least he could do is wash them.”

Burke has also received his fair share of criticisms, with analysts from their local community saying, “No one ever called you Jovvan,” “Is this really newsworthy?” and “Does that mean I can make a move [on Knolls]?”

Rebekkah Connors, a close friend of the couple, has also been noted as asking Burke to “Please tell [her] this isn’t really how [Burke is] go-

PHOTO By jen windsor

ing to break up with [Knolls],” and “No seriously, that’s a real dick move.”

Regardless, an informal survey on various geolocational dating sites suggest that Burke will be better off post-separation.

Furthermore, an independent analysis by a local psychic has reported that the positioning of the Sun in relation to the constellation Aquarius boded poorly for Knolls.

“My main concerns are getting out of our lease, finding a new life partner within the allotted time period with whom I can comply with state regulations regarding gay couples, and figuring out how to separate a joint bank account.”

At press time, Knolls was emotionally unavailable for comment.

Swedish Couple on Walking Tour Across Southern Europe Disappointed by Greece’s Hostile Welcome

Trying for Princeton Got a B in Chemistry Well, might as well die.

— Phoebe Wong

Oh no, a vine trap!

Roll D20 to escape.

I am so lonely.

— Greg A.K.A. Crognak

the Barbarian

Five syllables here, I think eight go here? Not sure.

Wait, what’s a haiku?

— Nick Andry

By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor wedish couple Alex and Marta Frisk have been traversing Southern Europe by foot for the past couple of months. However, upon reaching Greece, they were shocked to find that its accommodation of foreigners was “less than satisfactory.”

The Frisks decided to end their travels after experiencing long waits at the border, not enough housing, and rude wait staff in the country.

Alex Frisk explained their reasoning for undertaking such a long, strenuous journey: “Both of us have been under a large amount of stress recently. There’s a lot of drama in Marta’s office over people stealing each other’s food out of the communal fridge, and I haven’t been able to sleep at night with all the dogs barking in our neighborhood. It’s like bombs are being dropped outside!” The couple claimed they needed a break to fully recover, and their top floor, spacious apartment with a large balcony couldn’t provide the shelter, comfort, and safety they needed.

“We knew it would be a difficult journey,” Marta explained, “and that’s one of the reasons we wanted to do it. There is a sense of fulfillment you get from walking across countries on foot. And also, the weary traveler aesthetic looks great on us,” she concluded.

The Frisks had just reached the four month mark of their walk when they reached the Macedonia-Greece border.

“By that point, we were already fatigued,” Marta described.

“We had spent all of the last

Had P.E. today.

Wendy fell, saw her neat butt.

I am a man now.

— Timothy Kipling

S

Hey, wanna go out?

Oh cool, that's fine, nevermind,

see you around Mom. — Sigmund Freud

PHOTO By riley mallory

“Great, first our clothes get dirty, now our suitcases don’t work in the dirt. How are we supposed to do this?” Alex Frisk whined as the couple approached the Macedonia-Greece border. day on a boat ride across the Great Prespa Lake from Macedonia to Greece. The boat ride was so rocky I thought we were going to drown! So you can understand how exhausted we were.”

The Frisks were both looking forward to successfully entering the country. “We had been through a lot, and considered giving up countless times, but we figured finally entering this land full of hope would make it all worthwhile. We were hoping to find some kind of second home in Greece, and also finally be able to say that we’d seen the Parthenon,” Alex exclaimed.

However, upon reaching the country, the Frisks were discouraged by what they encountered.

“There was this really long line at the border checkpoint, and we just had to stand there and wait for hours! There were no refreshments, or seats, or anything.

It was like no one cared about the struggle we’d been through to reach that point.”

The couple was finally able to enter Greece after an hour wait; however, they reportedly had difficulties finding an adequate place to stay.

“There were just travelers everywhere, you’d think the country would at some point curb the flow of tourists so the rest of us can find available rooms isolated enough to fully relax and enjoy ourselves,” Marta explained.

After hours of searching, the couple decided to end their

journey. “The human spirit is fairly resilient,” Marta continued. “If anything, our journey up until that point had proven that, but there is only so much we can take without completely breaking down.”

The Frisks caught a late flight out of Greece, and were more than ready to return home. “I just thank God that we have our own bed waiting for us. If anyone in the world deserves some good rest and sympathy right now, I think I can safely say it’s us,” Alex finished, “it almost would have been better if they had just turned us away at the border, so that we wouldn’t have had to go through any of that. It would have saved us a lot of trouble.”

I don’t have much space But at least I can confess My love for you, Jul

— Romeo M.

Mrs. Gunderson Said if I didn’t write this She’d give me an F — Chet Westgate,

Football Captain

February 3, 2016

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UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers

Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse

By Riley D. Mallory

A

MQ Mom

n internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually harass students. The study, conducted following the revelation that renowned astronomer Geoff Marcy had been repeatedly sexually harassing female students over the course of 10 years, determined most faculty are “good people, who just knowingly allow a minority of their colleagues to repeatedly harass female faculty and students over the course of decades.”

“It is comforting to know that most male professors and administrators will never engage in sexual harassment of coworkers and graduate students,” said Sociology of Science Researcher, and head of the internal review board, Berta Engle. “Rather, they will just use their positions in oversight committees, review boards, and administration to protect male acquaintances from accusations about deeply hurting women.”

Marcy’s sexual harassment involved at least four victims, and was a well-known secret in the field of astronomy.

It was brought to light after Aaron Parsons, an untenured Berkeley faculty member, decided to issue a complaint after learning about Marcy’s reputation.

Parson’s actions were later applauded by many in the UC Berkeley Astronomy Department, and many joined in condemning Marcy, including those brave men in the department that had known about the problem in great detail for years and done absolutely nothing to stop it.

“I’m deeply against what

PHOTO By jacob aguirre

Researchers confirmed the groundhog’s red shadow firmly signified six more weeks of the apocalypse; however, the public was left uncertain as the delineation between normalcy and the apocalypse is not as clear-cut.

By Matthew Cusolito

A PHOTO By riley mallory

Ironically, the three academic peers pictured did not show up at Marcy’s trial and were instead substituted by three monkeys who proved to be equally as useful to the prosecutor.

Geoff has done. It was so hard for me to stand by, taking no action to report or prevent his behavior, disgusted at his treatment of female grad students, for the last decade.

I don’t think you can imagine how hard it was on me,” said UC Berkeley professor and personal friend of Marcy, Marc Gilmore.

“I’m not sure what we could have done to stop him through the proper channels,” said Interim Department Chair of Astronomy, Gibor Marsi, who at no point ever sat Marcy down and told him, “Listen, Marcy, damn the official channels, if I ever hear of you harassing another student, I will drop whatever it is I’m doing, find you, and break your fucking nose.”

Other research prior to the UC Berkeley Internal Review has pointed to a culture of misogyny, which drives

the sexual harassment and diminishment of women in academia. However, this prior research was quickly and subconsciously discounted by many male academics after they discovered it was done by women.

“I really don’t want to call Parsons a hero for reporting Marcy’s behavior. What he did was definitely good, but it seems like it should be a pretty basic expression of human decency? However, after witnessing his colleagues’ surprise towards his actions, it apparently wasn’t. So I think I have to call Parsons a hero,” said UC Berkeley Feminist Studies Researcher Adriana Clarksdale.

Many have criticized UC Berkeley’s lack of response to Marcy’s predation and reputation. Little administrative action was taken to address Marcy’s behavior, or

prevent his victimization of students, which not only hurt the individuals involved, but also drove talented women out of astronomy and even academia as a whole.

In this most recent controversy, Berkeley elected only to restrict Marcy’s ability to make physical contact with students outside of handshakes, and was willing to keep him on staff. Many defend the university’s actions, citing the need for personal responsibility.

“I think that the University of Collusion, Berkeley has been treated profoundly unfairly for the actions of single individuals,” said Psychology Professor Greg Adams. “Wait, no, I meant California! University of California. Wow, Freudian.

I mean not Freudian. I mean, Freud’s work has largely been discredited.”

Brief dreams are made of these UCSD Renames Website, Fixes Problem Apparently UCSD continued its transition from using popular Blackboard clone TED to TritonEd, solving a problem which officials insist “once existed and now does not.” The transition, including costs related to convening a naming committee, acquiring copyright, designing a new logo, setting traditional UCSD IT “booby traps,” and redirecting the entire student body and majority of faculty at UCSD from “ted.ucsd.edu” to the new “tritoned.ucsd.edu” url, cost the student body the equivalent of one out-of-state student tuition, commonly known in academic circles as one “sucker.”

Regardless, UCSD representatives assured students the changes are necessary.

“There were definitely problems with the original TED, which we definitely received emails about from people who are most likely students or the parents of students talking about the problems which existed and now don’t because we solved them,” said official TritonEd hype man Laurent Cools.

For now, students attempting to reach the old, outdated and most likely troublesome TED will be redirected to the new and “better” TritonEd. The transition is expected to end at the start of Fall Quarter 2016, coincidentally on the launch date of Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s cousin, Teddy Khosla’s, UCSD gossip blog.

Staff Writer large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. 2 holds a ceremonial event for many eastern Americans, the prediction of the seasons by a peculiar woodland creature. Known as the “Groundhog,” this animal is revered among many to hold the mystical ability to determine the approach of spring by the alignment of the sun in the sky at exactly 7:25 in the morning.

By fixing its gaze at its shadow, it communicates its prophecy; either spring has begun or the world must endure six more weeks of winter.

Over the years, participants in the ceremony named the creature Punxsutawney Phil, after the location of the animal's inhabitance. Traditionally, the ritual does not hold too much importance to American culture. However, this past ceremony will be recorded as the ushering of the rapture.

On Feb. 2, 2016, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow.

However, according to onlookers, at exactly 7:25 a.m., the sky faded into a deep crimson, coloring the animal’s shadow a deep blood red.

“Suddenly, a piercing chant emitted from the animal’s mouth, sounding almost of pig latin. It was AMAZING,” stated Phil Murray, an eight-year-old witness to the event. “Like the red thing was like 15 feet long!

And mommy said something about the o-caplyse-ow-asp, or something.”

Scholars believe this to be an invocation for the upcoming apocalypse. Right when the creature scurried into its den, reports of a loud trumpet noise originating from the sky were cited around the world.

“Then fire quickly began to surround the area, destroying up to a third of the town’s beautiful greenery” says witness Rita MacDowell. While

Two Titans of UCSD ERC Student Finds Class Battle Over Plastic in Cafe VenReading Neither tanas Food; Excited Understood for Change of Pace Rufus Dunmore and Elliot Sinclair, mountainous figures in Professor Glenmore’s EDS 138 class, squared off in class during a discussion. Their voices, charged with the confidence of people who have been taught that everyone gives a shit about what they think, clashed through the room.

“I really don’t think that’s it,” said Dunmore. “Demetrio’s theories on early development point to the need for psycho-acoustic and kinesthetic educational models, not the need for greater peer group education.”

The rest of the class sat in stunned silence, as they did every class with group discussion. They knew their voices would be drowned out by the righteous roars of their white, male, upper-middle class peers.

“Peer group education!?

Damn your eyes, Rufus. may the harpies pluck them out,” boomed Elliot Sinclair. “Psycho-acoustic and kinesthetic models were Thompson’s prerogative for the working class. Demetrio demanded greater epistemic study of intra-group school culture transmission.” “… No,” clarified Professor Glenmore. “No, that wasn’t it at all. These readings were about the success of school lunch programs. Does anyone else want to provide some insights? Someone we haven’t heard yet?”

Last Wednesday, ERC sophomore Dylan Biggs was surprised and delighted to find a piece of plastic within his Chicken Noodle Soup while eating at Cafe Ventanas.

“You know I was just getting a little bored of eating at Cafe V, everyday for every meal, with no variation in any meals each week whatsoever and no increase in the quality of food,” Biggs said. “But I’m glad to see they’ve decided to start serving a better culinary experience!”

“We realized that some students may not be fully pleased with the food they eat here.”

Chef Tim Gilligan stated. “It obviously wasn’t how well the food was made, it was how exciting each meal was, on top of how delicious the food is.”

Gilligan has promised that this is just the start of Cafe V’s plan to revolutionize campus dining. Using “a decades old culinary trick” made famous

by Kellogg's cereal, Cafe V will now start randomly putting “mystery prizes” into their food.

“Cardboard instead of pizza crust, plaster on fish tacos, and even scrap metal in the burritos for a crunchy texture,” Gilligan said. “We have endless ideas for these prizes.”

“I’m really excited to see where this goes,” Biggs said “Finally I can prove to all my friends in other colleges that Cafe V does in fact have the best food on campus and even in all of San Diego!”

ResNet to Install Dial-Up Modems in dorms After a campus wide Internet shortage, ResNet promised to address all complaints by installing state-of-the-art dial-up modems.

“This is a serious problem, despite what anyone would think,” said Jared Rounds, Head Internet Guy of ResNet. “The Interwebs are essential for students to be able to access their AOL accounts, watch pixelated videos of cats, and slowly load porn.”

To fix the problem, ResNet has taken it upon themselves to buy every dial-up modem on Craigslist and eBay and install them in every dorm room.

“It’s great to finally have access again,” said Revelle sophomore Henry Ripley.

“Before I had to stare at my computer, waiting for hours, not knowing if I would even get online. Now I can just hook into the modem and listen to a screeching dial tone for hours and know for sure I will get access.”

This upgrade is one of many implemented to make sure every student gets access to academic resources. Other upgrades include VCRs in every lounge, a Walkman for every suite, and a telegraph line for cross-campus communication.

“It’s a great feeling to have a school that cares about its students and their needs,” said Ripley. “I just wish my roommate would get off the phone so I could actually get online.”

the event was quickly blamed on local teenage antics, theologists and meteorologists think differently.

According to San Diego’s premier doomsday predictors, the specific nature of this event will usher in six weeks of the apocalypse. Researchers found within the book of Revelations that the “trumpets of five more angels will usher in each week with a new catastrophic event.” According to other predictions, exactly a third of the oceans will be destroyed, and a third of rivers and irrigation will be poisoned. On the fifth week locusts and other bugs will destroy the earth’s agriculture and finally the fall of humanity will come on the sixth week’s trumpet call. However, we can expect a sunny and warm spring afterwards.

Devout followers to Punxsutawney Phil also point to previous signs of the six-week apocalypse as proof of the prediction. In January, obvious signs of a higher power’s wrath were reportedly apparent to some. The world was taken aback by several weather abnormalities. The east coast reached a record breaking heat, immediately followed by a blizzard this winter, which some see as a possible “end of the world.”

Meanwhile some of the most tranquil and beach-side locations, such as San Diego, were plagued with heavy downfall of rain and flash flooding, mostly unheard of for its residents. Even a tornado warning was sent to La Jolla due to the extreme winds across the ocean. In the far north of Alaska, witnesses claim to have experienced a full 24 hours of darkness, believing the sun “left the sky in fear.”

Small communities in Kansas believe that the moon has moved from its current location by 24 mm. These occurrences, along with many others, are believed by many to be an ushering of something greater and more powerful than anyone can imagine.

TOP Ten

Little Known Conversation Heart Quotes 10. “It’s benign” 9. “You’ve been served. This is legally binding” 8. “Work will set you free” 7. “In reality, it's more like two candy fists” 6. “Ask again later” 5. “Please get tested” 4. “Now in kidney and liver shades” 3. “Transubstantiated for deliciousness” 2. “Baby on Board” 1. “Exp. date 2/13/1973” UCSD's only D-1 organization.

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February 3, 2016

upidCentral:

With that day dedicated to a mischievous flying baby fast approaching, it’s important that you’re adequately prepared. Being yourself while still sweeping your crush off their feet can be scary, especially when you’ve led a completely underwhelming, easily forgettable life. If you don’t think your knowledge of blockbuster classics like “Iron Man 2” is interesting enough to entertain a date, fear not! This is your ultimate source of the Valentine’s Day dirt. Finally surrender to the sweeping force of determinism that’s been tempting you for sometime now, and allow all of your problems and critical life moments be decided by this informative page produced by 23 lonely writers in a stuffy room splitting a bottle of Chardonnay.

Madam Hoeffstra’s Hallucinatory Horoscope

Valentine’s Day Tips, Tricks, and Miracles

Not Your Average “Dinner And A Movie” Dates

Need some divine guidance on how your Valentine’s Day is going to go? Then check out these completely accurate horoscope predictions, brought to you by 20 certified astronauts.

Leo

You will randomly run into your significant other one day after you become violently sick with food poisoning at a sushi restaurant.

They will come to console you in the bathroom, and realize you have a connection. To speed up the process, try exploring the smaller, more obscure sushi places in your area, and get adventurous with your menu choices.

Choosing just the right date spot to please the many facets of your partner’s personality can be a real dilemma and quite costly. Here are some low-budget but high-satisfaction date ideas with a healthy serving of originality guaranteed to impress.

A nice, cost-effective date option is a slow, leisurely tour of your favorite subreddits. Relax on the couch and take in all of the delicate sights and sounds of violently biased internet denizens in their natural habitat. Be sure to hold hands, with fingers intertwined as you scroll through pictures of cute corpses, listening to people complain about their low-quality trees, and and laugh about what people in the Tea Party do in their free time.

Pisces

Gemini It’s technically not incest if it’s with yourself. You two have fun.

The crow will call three times at the first sight of the blood moon.

Await the dark man for further instructions.

Taurus

You: distinctly disconnected earlobe and cute four fingered left hand.

Me: with still not-completely bloody knife and full gallon of gas left. Come back, or I’ll hunt you down.

LooseCannon87

You: 5’9”, unmarked white hoodie, fingerprints last seen on this 45 colt.

Me: definitely not a cop up for promotion.

Gwen:

You: been around that track a few times.

Me: ain’t no hollaback girl

X:

Seeking: person who won’t leave anyone behind to ask questions.

Y.pestis C092:

You: thousands of flea infested rats.

Me: a bacterial infection from 14th century Europe.

Dragon

When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, peace will guide the planets, and love will fill the stars.

1.

Start off this quiz by quickly 4. What facial expression does your date have right now? asking her what her opin a. This? ion on the Israel-Palestine conflict, just to get it out of the way.

2.

Control Question: On a scale from 1-10 how did your previ ous 5 dates go? a. 1 b. 2 c. 3 d. 4

Banksy:

YouKnowWhoIAm:

Aquarius

You’re fiery and hot in bed. You match up best with Monkey and Snake.

Here you are, finally in the middle of your Valentine’s Day date! This is a perfect time to abruptly stop talking to them and desist in having any fun, to see how well the date has been going by taking our Real-Time Diagnostic Quiz! Know if they like you, hate you, or really, really hate you before the date’s even ended!

Actually15CatsInATrenchcoat:

Seeking: I’m horny and my wife is away running for president. I have cigars.

Sagittarius

Oh, uh… How do we say this? You, uh, don’t have a soulmate. Sorry.

But hey, cats are cool.

Right?

Real-Time Date Success Diagnostic Quiz

Feel like you missed your chance with that special someone? Well, you probably did. But maybe someone else is looking for you!

SlickWillie69:

Know that whoever you choose to be with this Valentine’s Day will one day be holding a gun at both you and your doppelganger, and will have to figure out which one is the real you. So choose wisely.

I mean, it doesn’t matter. Horoscopes are totally fake anyway. Wanna go on a forum and talk about atheism?

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Seeking: smokers between age of 18 and 24 in perfect health. Compensation will be provided.

Your day looks like seven neon-colored triangles swirling around in a circle.

Oh, wait, this is a kaleidoscope.

Libra

Aries

If you want an exotic date idea that’s full of surprises, but still not costly, the alleyway behind the five-star French restaurant has spacious dumpsters full of varied, ripe French food. The alleyway has a nice, kind-of-creepybut-the-nice-street-lights-make-it-look-okay ambiance perfect for spicing up any Valentine's Day.

Marlboro:

Cancer

Today, you are not bound by law.

No mortal man may question you. Use your day of complete freedom and infinite power wisely, before it is swiftly taken away.

For a trip down memory lane, plan an exciting excursion that is fun, dramatic, and educational. Perhaps, travel to to Pluto for the day in a super fast school bus, raft down a river of lava, get baked into a cake, or even shrink down and go inside Ralphie's body for a day!

You’ll definitely woo your partner if you’re able to make your hair as fierce as Ms. Frizzle.

You: a handsome man in mid-30s dressed in a security guard’s outfit.

Me: a young rapscallion with a can of spray paint. You followed me all through the parking lot, flirting with me saying things like “I can arrest you for this” with a serious tone that made everything more romantic.

Patience. The waters ahead seem rough, but don’t let the current sweep you away.

From here, you can only go up. Consider returning home; you may be surprised what you find there. No, but seriously, you’re going to get eaten by a bear.

Capricorn

Fascinate your significant other, and stimulate their promiscuous side by strolling along the grassy knoll. For added festivities and stimulation, map out the sight lines of the three shots fired at JFK, and realize that the hit pattern created by one shooter doesn’t line up with the trajectories right as the sun sets behind the knoll.

Seeking: Not 15 cats in a trenchcoat seeking partner who is also not 15 cats in a trenchcoat k

Virgo Unfortunately, you’re not going to meet your soulmate this year, but in a moment of cosmic significance you’re both going to watch the same horse fetish video on Xtremetube at the same time.

3.

How expensive was their meal? a. Too expensive? This means

they are using you, get rid of them b. Not expensive? This means

they hate the date, get rid of

them c. Same price as yours? This

means they are a pushover,

get rid of them

Answer: Now it's time to count up your points! A’s are worth 1 point, B’s are worth 2 points , C’s are worth 3 points, and D’s are worth 4 points.

19-22 points — Oh man, the sparks are flying. You probably aren’t even reading this right now because you are banging on the dinner table. This is a public space though so you should probably stop. Please, you’re making everyone uncomfortable.

b.

c.

Like this?

5.

How often does your partner masturbate? a. Never

b. Once a month

c. Few times a week

d. They are masturbating right

now 6.

How about this?

7.

d.

Oh wait, or is it more like this?

15-18 points — Not bad! Keep it up like this, and you and your partner may eventually settle into a stale, sexless marriage as you spend the next 50 years of your life raising children you didn’t really want and never loved.

What is the relationship between you and your date’s spirit animal? a. Mine eats theirs b. Theirs eats mine c. It’s an unfeeling parasitic relationship d. They don’t know each other that well Have you been paying attention to your date for the entire date so far? a. Yes, of course why wouldn’t I? b. Nah, they like it when I

ignore them c. I’m sorry what was the ques

tion? I’ve been talking to my date

11-14 points — Boy, you messed up. This date is going down the tubes. You should bail now. Don’t even say good bye, just flip the table, jump out the window and run. You’ll be better, off trust me.

7-10 points — Are you even on a date?

It seems a lot like you‘re just eating dinner by yourself, talking to yourself out loud when the waiter isn’t around and ordering and eating two meals.

Come on, you can do better than this.