The MQ Volume 22 Issue 5

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

March 9, 2016

“Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.”

— RuPaul

Updated CAPEs to Include Judgement of Peers

By Jaz Twersky

Assistant Copy Editor n a sweeping new initiative intended to solve all problems with educational feedback, the evaluations students fill out each quarter at the University of California, San Diego, will now allow students to rate the quality of their peers.

The idea, as explained by a faceless, monotonous bureaucrat named Jane Smith, is to “place any blame there may be for a subpar education back squarely where it belongs — on the people receiving it.”

These evaluations, formerly known as CAPEs, short for Critical Assessments of Professorial Evil-doing, will now be called ESCAPEs, short for Evaluation of Students and Classes in Addition to Professorial Evil-Doing.

A number of changes have been made to the system, with a newly-refined set of multiple-choice, true-false, and free-response questions.

Smith elaborated on the purpose of the system: “It is a well-known and well-established principle that the only proper way to evaluate the quality of education is via the quality of the students, and the only proper way to meas-

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In This issue California saves almonds at expense of water supply

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LAPD busts LAPD in surprise LAPD drug Raid

4

being healthy for dummies

6,7

Hazard labels added to women’s lab coats UC gets creative, finds new measures of affluence

8 10

News in Brief PHOTO By Jen Windsor

“How did we get a lecture hall this big for an eight-person class?” one student remarked under his breath. ure the quality of students is via their test scores.

“So it has been decided that, rather than be overly concerned with the nuances of the teaching strategies of our esteemed faculty, stu-

dents should hold themselves accountable for their own learning, and not expect things like the education they’re paying thousands of dollars for to be handed to them on a silver platter.”

Student suggestions have been taken into account in formulating the specific ways it is possible to rate one’s

See CAPEs, page 2

White Ann Arbor Child Finds Worm in Apple, Michigan Governor Issues State of Emergency

By Cole Greenbaun

Assistant Content Editor

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ate last week, in the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder issued a second state of emergency, after Timmy SmithyJohnson, son of area billionaire Jonathan Smithy-Johnson, found a worm in his apple. In a press release about the Ann Arbor Apple Crisis, Governor Snyder stated, “This is a tragedy of the highest order, something I promise will never happen again... again.”

According to reports, Smithy-Johnson went to lunch on Monday when he bought a pizza and an apple from the cafeteria at Whitesboro Elementary School. After biting into the apple, SmithyJohnson saw a worm inside the apple and reported it to his teacher. The teacher reported it to the principal, the principal reported it to the EPA, and the school was immediately shut down for the week.

“I am just outraged,” Timmy’s mother Jacqueline Davis-Smithy-Johnson told reporters. “The fact that our government would let my child be poisoned by the apples he needs to live is insane! How they could let something like this slip through their fingers is beyond me.”

According to Governor Snyder, the problem arose because Ann Arbor school district recently underwent a change of apple farms. Ann Arbour previously received their apples from the Detroit Apple Farm, but decided to switch to the newly established Lake Huron Apple Farms in 2014. While the

Volume XXII Issue V

Sounds best when read aloud in a sultry voice.

Satire Paper “Good For a Chuckle Occasionally” In an unofficial poll, a local student satire paper was deemed “Most Useful for a ‘Chuckle’ from Time to Time,” after a neck-andneck race against the second-most popular option, “Bird Cage Lining.”

Reports indicated that the occasional chuckle option pulled ahead for a landslide victory after the paper was revealed to be responsible for a local canary’s black lung. Other popular uses of the paper included cheap insulation, mid-defecation entertainment, and kindling.

The paper’s staff expressed mixed feelings about the results, with a

large majority unaware that what they were writing wasn’t, in fact, traditional journalism.

“I modeled my work after the journalists I grew up with; Stewart, Colbert, and whoever writes the stuff my younger cousin posts on Facebook,” said one anonymous staff writer. “I don’t know where I went wrong.”

However, many of the paper’s editors are embracing this new perspective.

“Perhaps, with hard work and a clear vision, we can get people to chuckle periodically, giggle intermittently, or, if we’re lucky, even laugh quarterly,” said the paper’s Editor-in-Chief.

Area Scientists Baffled, Can’t Find Cure to Being Set on Fire

PHOTO By connor gorry

Although Smithy-Johnson appeared to recover completely from the incident, he claimed he would never bob for another apple again in his life. apple trees were being planted in the new farm, Ann Arbor had to resort to using the local Flint River Apple Farm, which was old, understaffed and did not use pesticides.

“I apologize profusely for letting children be almost poisoned under my watch,” Snyder said. “As of right now I am sending $60 million dollars to Ann Arbor to make sure they get clean apples as we sort this mess out and I want everyone to know this crisis has my full attention above anything else!”

Snyder has been under fire recently for a lack of a timely response to the Apple Crisis, only declaring the state of emergency this past Sunday.

Reports have come out that children have been complaining about the worms for a while now, mainly from the

Area woman attempts to embody three wise monkeys Settles for “see no evil”

more impoverished side of town, with no action from the city taken whatsoever.

Local parent Katherine White is preparing a class-action lawsuit against multiple officials, claiming that they knew about the worms in the apples long before Smithy-Johnson almost ate one.

“I find it infuriating that our local officials knew about this crisis days, DAYS, before they issued a state of emergency, according to their emails!”

White said. “After hearing all this brouhaha coming from Flint about their supposedly ‘poisoned’ water, you’d think the government would respond quickly when their more affluent and less urban residents are being poisoned as well!”

Snyder’s declaration of a state of emergency came right after Snyder met with Presi-

dent Obama and asked him to grant a federal emergency designation for the city of Ann Arbour. Witnesses report that Obama merely stared at the Governor and told him sternly to “get out of my office before I fill you with lead, like you did to Flint’s water,” before having Secret Service escort the Governor away.

“You know what this a prime example of?” White said in a press release. “Institutional disadvantage structured towards the Caucasian and wealthy!

Everyone thinks because we are affluent, and have certain advantages in income, housing, employment, medical treatment, and overall safety that it’s okay to let our children almost eat apples with worms in them!

And I for one am not going to stand and let this happen. Not on my Rolex.”

Local man gets new shoes Feet become more popular with local rabbits

Student Zachary Collins recently reported that after spending copious amounts of time and money on his work, he has gotten nowhere in his search to find a cure for fire.

“I thought it was going to be a lot easier,” said Collins. “But now, four years later, I have no results; just 70 burned corpses.”

Collins has tried numerous methods, even digging up old voodoo books to use as guidance. But no matter what vaccine or syrup he gave his testers, they still ultimately burned to death.

“At one point I had to move from rats and mon-

keys to humans,” explained Collins. “I figured their biological makeup was too different from ours and they just had a natural affinity for being set on fire. But it turns out humans have the ability to get set on fire as well. I thought we were supposed to be a higher evolved species?”

Collins has given up his research, instead focusing his research efforts on something bigger that will “for sure help all of mankind.”

“I’m probably going to figure out how to cure getting crushed to death,” said Collins. “That’ll be way easier than curing fire.”

Victoria’s Secret’s Head of Photoshop Misses Stray Hair, Reported Missing The Head of Photoshop at Victoria’s Secret, Kevin Lombard, has been reported missing. Coworkers report last seeing him leaving for a meeting with CEO Les Wexner to discuss Lombard’s most recent Photoshop mistake: the stray hair present in the newest Victoria’s Secret advertisement.

Victoria’s Secret’s company policy forbids “stray hairs, signs of body fat, or any other indication of the personhood of the models.”

At a press conference, Police Captain Sharon Allen said that she suspects the kidnapping is a result of “foul play, and has most likely resulted in the complete erasure of Mr. Lombard, or

at least some of his most significant and noticeable appendages, from the picture.”

Lombard’s coworkers reacted in grief. The Victoria’s Secret Angels offered to make Lombard an “honorary and/or actual Angel, contingent on whether he turns up alive or dead.”

Wexner expressed regret that “one of the company’s most promising Photoshoppers, who only forgot that women have two legs, two arms, and no stray hairs, is no longer with us — wait, the police haven’t confirmed his death yet?”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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March 9, 2016

HarperCollins Announces Release of Newly-Discovered Harper Lee “Lost Manuscripts”

By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor n the wake of the recent passing of Harper Lee, author of the classic novel “To Kill a Mockingbird,” the HarperCollins publishing company announced the discovery of over a dozen previously-unknown “To Kill A Mockingbird”-related manuscripts supposedly written

by Lee, which the company plans to publish as a series of individual novels referred to as “Harper Lee: The Lost Chapters: Director’s Cut.” While many are excited for the upcoming release, some have also criticized the move as being disrespectful to Lee’s legacy, with one critic describing it as “taking the metaphorical mockingbird and metaphorically beating it like a metaphorical dead horse.”

In particular, many are suspicious of the circumstances surrounding the announcement, as HarperCollins officially announced the move within 12 hours of Lee’s passing. Some have accused HarperCollins of publishing these manuscripts against Lee’s wishes, which was a similar accusation levied against the publication of “Go Set a Watchman” in 2015. The company has responded to this criticism by insisting that they “received Lee’s consent from the great beyond,” according to the company’s official spirit medium.

Many fans are also worried about how the manuscripts will affect the “To Kill a Mockingbird” continuity, especially after the controversial changes presented in “Go Set a Watchman.” In an official preview of one of the manuscripts, some particularly perceptive fans have noted numerous conflicts in characterization and continuity between the manuscript and the original novel.

An analysis by acclaimed literary critic Reed N. Wright noted, “If you look carefully on page 17 of Chapter three of the manuscript, you’ll notice that Scout references

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PHOTO By Jacob aguirre

In order to autograph the newly-released books, a dab of ink was placed on the top of Harper Lee’s coffin, which was then slammed down onto each copy. wearing a chicken costume, but in ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ it was pork! Pooork!”

The radical thematic differences in the manuscripts have been a contributing factor to a growing suspicion that the manuscripts may not have been penned by Lee at all. The names and official summaries, including titles such as “Go Set a Mockingbird” and “To Kill a Watchman,” have lent credence to this theory. In particular, much criticism has been directed towards the manuscript titled “To Kill a Mockingjay,” which HarperCollins describes as “The adventures of an adolescent Scout Finch as she fights for her life in a deadly battle royale hosted by the tyrannical post-apocalyptic government of Maycomb, Alabama.”

Despite the growing con-

troversy, HarperCollins has continued to draft new plans to expand the “To Kill a Mockingbird” franchise. An anonymous unofficial spokesman for HarperCollins revealed a coordinated effort with Universal Pictures to produce a “Remastered HD 1080p 60fps 54th Anniversary IMAX Re-release” of the 1962 film adaptation of “To Kill a Mockingbird” this December, “in honor of the ten-month anniversary of Lee’s passing.”

The spokesman also revealed that Ryan Seacrest Productions, producers of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” had signed a deal to produce a present-day reality TV version of “To Kill a Mockingbird” called “Following Up with the Finches.”

In addition to these unofficial reveals, it is rumored that HarperCollins commis-

sioned a Vietnamese video game developer to create an official “To Kill a Mockingbird” mobile game, called “Flappy Mockingbird.”

Mona E. Turner, HarperCollins’ newly-appointed Chief Mockingbird Affairs Officer and a self-described “Mockingbirdian,” was quick to defend the company’s direction. “I believe it was Atticus Finch who said, ‘You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view.’ So look at this from our point of view! Just think about how much money we’re gonna make— I mean, just think about how much justice we’ll be bestowing on Lee’s work! I’d think ol’ Atticus and Ms. Maudie would agree with me when I say that it would be a sin to kill the Mockingbird franchise.”

continued from page 1:

CAPES

classmates. For example, one question is “True-false: Some students took up way too much time with niche discussions.” If “true” is selected, a follow-up question appears, asking students to list the names and distinguishing features of those responsible. It is also possible to give feedback on such actions as “asking a question which was answered literally two seconds beforehand because they were too busy pretending to have a life on social media,” “deciding to ‘play devil’s advocate’ about racism,” and “making the rest of us look bad by actually doing the reading, that sanctimonious prick.”

Student response to the new initiative has been mixed. Janetta Webley, a fifth-year Sociology student and frequent YouTube commenter, reacted enthusiastically. “This is awesome!” she shouted. “I can’t wait to tell those assholes exactly what I think of them, with the same complete freedom that comes from hiding behind anonymity that I enjoy on the rest of the internet! Suck it!”

Her girlfriend, Lashaya Reynolds, a fourth-year Chemical Engineering student, was less certain that she would

derive benefit from the change.

“Nothing this shithole does makes any difference to me anymore,” Reynolds said, lighting a cigarette. “Besides, they’re probably sending all the dirt they get on us to the NSA or some shit. They know it all anyway.” Reynolds could not be reached for further questions as she returned to reading her copy of “Beyond Good and Evil”

by Friedrich Nietzsche.

There are also reports, albeit still unsubstantiated, that some first-years broke into sobs upon hearing of the new initiative. It is difficult to ascertain precisely who was upset, as all of the students present were too absorbed in their own problems to pay attention to the emotional state of those around them. Reputedly, the muffled words “I don’t want to know for SURE how much everyone hates me!” could be heard from a student with her head in her hands.

The administration claims no responsibility for any emotional damage that may result from this decision, and has reminded students that counseling services are always available (24-week mandatory waiting period notwithstanding) for “any spoiled Millennial who has unnecessary feelings.”

TOP Ten

Things Lassie Was Actually Trying to Tell You 10. I pushed Timmy down a well 9. You really need to do a better job fakecrying if you really want that Emmy 8. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine 7. Hillary Clinton knew full well what was going to happen in Benghazi three days early 6. For the love of God, please vaccinate me 5. You’ve been served. This is legally binding 4. I know who the Zodiac Killer is 3. Nothing. It was all CGI 2. You left out six chocolate bars yesterday so I don’t know how tomorrow will go 1. Oh, I forgot my line

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Assistant Content Editor........Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Assistant Design Editor.........Lauren Kirkbride Assistant Design Editor..........Ingrid Sorensen Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor Assistant Graphics Editor..........Connor Gorry

Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke Assistant Copy Editor...................Jaz Twersky Publicity & Social Editor.........Katherine Wood Assistant Publicity Editor..........Summer Davis Assistant Social Editor.............Hannah Lykins Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Lieutenant.........Chelsea Andretta Distribution Lieutenant..............Daniel Clinton Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Is it just us or is this picture crooked?

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. This is the first ed note in a while where I don’t have some issue central to the survival of The MQ to discuss; it’s a nice change of pace to think more about the paper itself than how we pay for it. This shift in priorities has allowed me to spend more time thinking about this actual production — and it’s been a great one. Our lovely new editors and staff are continuing to make a huge impact (when they aren’t bullying each other on group threads, that is); special shoutout to Team Content, whose stellar dedication and willingness to stay up way too late until they finished their tasks was both inspiring and terrible for my sleep schedule. Team Design also killed it on this feature-heavy issue, and Graphics got through their seemingly insurmountable workload with unprecedented poise. I also want to thank Nick, Alex, and Kenny for coming to their first production and making a real effort to learn about whatever it is that we do here.

And while I’ve celebrated our new additions, so too do I mourn our losses, since this production will be Trev Malone’s last. Trev and I joined The MQ together way back in 2012, and he’s been one of my best friends ever since. Many have come and gone from The MQ since then, but from editorials and articles that nobody else could ever have come up with to hilarious and at times emotionally scarring Photoshops, Trev has remained as a huge presence in this org , and it’s impossible for me to imagine my time here without him. The great RuPaul (whose presence on the front page of this issue is no coincidence) once said that we get to choose our families. I will be forever grateful that Trev chose us. Good luck, Trev, and know that while you may be leaving , you will be forever immortalized on our Dead Horse List (sponsored by Shasta).

Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Judy Chen Kenny Cheng Matt Cusolito Chris Doherty Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan Leo Grabowski

Joia Herbert Dylan Higelmire Philip Hodgson Arya Kaul Chris Lee Nadia Link Ben Levin Eric Luong Parker Mace Ryan Maher Uma Mahto

Nick Martin PJ Marrymee Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Sarah Morton Alex Noftsier V. Tarini Naidu Andre Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan

Sarah Schlossberg Anthony Showalter Nicoletta Skaggs Ann Tong Luke Tribble Irene Tsao Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Booster Club Thank you to Barak and Elizabeth for bringing soda, and to Lawrence for bringing water and snacks, both healthy and otherwise. Thanks to Trev for bringing back the classic Takis, and for (DOUBLE STUFFED!) Oreos that disappeared disturbingly quickly. Thanks to Matt M., Daniel, Cole G., and both Hannahs for obliging the older kids’ incessant requests for stuff from John’s. Thanks to everyone who brought staging props, and special thanks to Jacob for letting us photograph his bedroom, Lana albums and all.

theMQ.org

March 9, 2016

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Californians Forced to Choose Between Water and Food, Almonds Win

By Summer Davis

Assistant Publicity Editor n a historic referendum late last month, Californians decided that they would rather try to survive without water than go without food.

Governor Jerry Brown put forth a bill to allocate the state’s remaining freshwater to the people who really needed it — almond growers.

“The people of California have spoken,” said farmer Blake McGraw. “In a study that compared the tastes of food and water, people overwhelmingly agreed that food generally had more taste. For this reason, my fellow farmers and I have decided that it’s our duty to ask the government to help us supply Californians with the stuff they really want.”

McGraw then shouted “YOLO!” as he rode his Slip ‘n’ Slide into a pile of almonds.

Citizens of East Porterville, California, a town comprised of mostly farmhands, are some of the people most affected by this decision. Although some weather forecasts promised an end to the severe drought upon the arrival of El Nino, one resident of East Porterville says the city now has just “a puddle.” But many residents consider this a huge improvement from having “not even a puddle.”

The news comes as California farmers celebrate their record sales of almonds and other produce. Although each almond takes one gallon of water to produce, Governor Brown said, “as citizens of this great state, we would rather have some dark chocolatecovered almonds with us as we meet our demise.”

Residents of East Porterville have not missed the irony

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Other Widespread Viruses You May Not Be Aware Of An Update from the CDC With the recent awareness of the Zika virus and its large impacts on developing countries, the CDC has started an initiative to increase awareness of other little known viruses affecting developing populations. Here are the symptoms and coverage of recent outbreaks that haven’t been sufficiently publicized or responded to.

“Noablo Ingles” Virus

PHOTO By Jacob aguirre

Upon receiving a new shipment of bottled almonds, an East Porterville resident exclaimed, “there’s nothing more thirst-quenching than the taste of salted, dry-roasted almonds.” of their situation. More than 900 of the town’s wells have dried up, forcing residents to rely on bottled water to shower after a long day’s work watering citrus trees. Desperate citizens have taken to consuming almonds to quench their thirst.

“One gallon of water went into these things, so theoretically we should get one gallon out!” argued farm worker Luis Bocanegra.

In response to the exceptional drought the state is facing, Governor Jerry Brown set mandatory restrictions on water use on everyone but farmers.

“The citizens of California have to realize that we

all need to conserve water, except for farmers. Although some people on Reddit suggested it, it’s not financially or scientifically feasible to pull water from the ocean, unless the farmers need us to. I personally will be showering using exclusively bottled water so that the farmers of this great state can keep sending me almonds,” the governor stated in a speech to lawmakers that took place on an almond farm. In terms of providing solutions, the governor has advised the state “to conserve our drinking water, because the farmers have let me know that their crops are happier when their water is clean.”

As they wait out the drought, the population of East Porterville has been forced to turn to local churches for water. “It’s looking more and more like ‘Mad Max’ out here. The one with Charlize Theron, not ‘Thunderdome,’” said Pastor Frankie Olmedo. “People have been buying bottled water to shower, stealing water from the last few wells, and just the other day I saw someone playing a flamethrower guitar.”

Although the pastor does not encourage stealing or the creation of flamethrower guitars, he said “at this point we’re basically already in Hell.”

Catholics Postpone St. Patrick’s Day until after Lent, Plan to Get Drunk Guilt-Free

By Nadia Link

Staff Writer or the first time in history, the Vatican has selected to change the date of this year’s St. Patrick’s Day from March 17 to March 28, the day directly following the end of Lent, in order to “get super smashed guilt-free like everybody else.”

The Vatican explained itsdecision-making process during a press conference.

“Lent is a time of spiritual revival and growth,” Pope Francis commented.

“All over the world, Catholics are self-reflecting deeply and trying to improve who they are. Unfortunately, ‘Catholic guilt’ makes people feel horrible about spending a night partying instead of sitting in a dark corner dwelling on their mountain of sins. Now that Saint Patrick’s Day has been moved, Catholics can do both guilt-free. Plus the Cardinals really wanted to go to this one St. Patrick’s Day party.”

“During Lent, Catholics must undergo extensive sacrifice: not eating meat on Fridays, except fish, which doesn’t count; frequently considering the struggles of the underprivileged; and sometimes even abstaining from sugary beverages or candy,” said local Catholic Michele Douglas. “It’s six weeks of Hell but in the end, we’re all such better people for it. Like those people who go to Africa to build schools, but instead of doing it in person, we do it in prayer.”

While the aforementioned sacrifices seem nearly insufferable, to most it’s the partaking in indulgences that reportedly hurt Catholics the most.

“As any Irishman will attest to, getting drunk and

Warning:

Virus is highly contagious and virulently spreading throughout South and Central America. It seems to be airborne. Whenever it hits, patients become unintelligible to visiting American tourists. Other possible symptoms of the virus have not yet been determined, as it is difficult to communicate with infected individuals.

M. realisus Bacterial Infection

The bacteria originated in Central America, but has since spread to almost all corners of the globe. Symptoms vary dramatically, and are unpredictable between individuals. Cases include patients developing a runny nose that eventually develops into a forceful stream that is strong enough to flood a nearby river, experiencing bouts of extreme insomnia and memory loss which forces them to label everything in their immediate surroundings for fear of forgetting them, and gaining severe rashes which lead them to itch all of the skin off of their bodies and regrow a harsher, bark-like exterior.

The Rising Proletariat Virus

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Spread by a rare form of mosquito in isolated countries across the globe, a dangerous strain of literacy is being contracted by large populations. So far, the virus has resulted in the deaths of several dictators and other powerful figures of the state.

PHOTO By jen windsor

Measles

“You know what they say. It’s 9 a.m. mass somewhere,” a local Pub owner claimed. having a good time on Saint Patrick’s Day, although technically sanctioned by the church as an exception to the Lentin period, still causes extreme guilt and self-loathing to most Catholics,” explained Father Ben Meyers, a local priest. “This same self-loathing has been the cause of a large amount of St. Patrick’s Day tragedies. On March 17, 1854, a Lenten Friday, a young Spanish woman got intoxicated and accidently ate a small piece of cured Iberian ham.

The following morning upon realizing what she had done, the woman tried to make herself throw up, but when she failed, she vowed to never eat meat again on a day she described as “truly saddening.”

“I love St. Patty’s Day,” stated Sean Michael Mac’O’Aherne, Vice President of the church’s Group for In-

ebriation with Nonexistent Guilt and Regret, or GINGR. “But what hurts even more than the pounding headache, nausea, and lack of memory is the crushing, crippling Catholic guilt that comes with knowing you had a pleasurefilled night during Lent. For this reason, we have chosen to move the holiday to March 28, directly following Easter.”

Upon making the decision, GINGR members explained: “This was not a decision we took lightly. Many people back home aren’t too happy with changing to a later date. We in GINGR understand perfectly that seven is a lucky number, but after seeing the way people beat themselves up afterwards we had to do something. Change was necessary.”

Most Catholics supported the decision but a few ortho-

dox individuals and groups have begun to denounce it. Catherine Anne O’Collin was in Vatican City when the announcement was made.

“St. Patrick’s day guilt is a staple for Lent. It’s that guilt that really tortures the soul and puts any good Catholic into the Lenten spirit!” she said.

New York City, which houses a major St. Patrick’s Day celebration each year, has yet to comment on whether or not they will change the official date of said celebration to match the new Catholic date. When interviewed, a city resident commented, “Honestly I’m not Catholic and I’m fine with the change. I mean I’ll probably still drink on March 17, but now I’ll have a socially acceptable reason to get drunk like a week later too.”

In a few isolated areas, measles have been making a drastic insurgence, with numbers of cases and deaths from the virus increasing.

According to recent reports, a sufficient amount of vaccines against the disease have been distributed to the areas; however, they seem to be ineffective at preventing cases, or inadequately distributed.

This message has been brought to you by:

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theMQ.org

March 9, 2016

LAPD Officers Arrested in LAPD Drug Bust on LAPD Cocaine Stronghold

Far Right Calls for End to Annual Migration of Monarch Butterflies

By Barak Tzori

A

Managing Editor

n enormous drug bust carried out by local authorities in a San Bernadino suburb Monday morning resulted in the seizure of millions of dollars’ worth of cocaine, as well as the arrests of four local authorities.

The original SWAT team showed up to act on the warrant issued last week early in the morning. However the raid did not get underway until a couple of hours after the SWAT team’s arrival, when Sergeant Aaron Flowe suddenly lifted his SWAT helmet to see his team and himself waiting outside his own house.

“I told my team leader to put the battering ram down,” recounted Sergeant Flowe.

“I had the keys to the house in question, and as it was we had just repainted the door frame last weekend.”

As the SWAT team swept the living room, with Flowe following and replacing the throw pillows just like his wife liked them, another member of the team, Detective Crow, made a discovery.

A small Ziploc bag of cocaine was hanging on the backside of a framed photo of Flowe shaking hands with the LAPD police chief.

Flowe confronted the detective and accused Crow of framing him. “I know all the tricks. Believe me, I’ve put away countless numbers of dangerous urban youngsters. That’s the exact dime bag every officer carries for planting evidence. You’ve just made yourself a primary suspect, Crow.”

To prove his point further, Flowe approached Sergeant Campbell and pulled another dime bag of cocaine from

PHOTO By jen windsor

Ted Cruz would be winning the butterfly-catching competition if Marco Rubio wasn’t in the back trying to catch fistfuls of butterflies with his bare hands.

By Summer Davis

Assistant Publicity Editor

T PHOTO By lawrence lee

“I don’t know what this means, but I know it’s going to be a whole lot of paperwork later,” Officer Flowe grumbled. behind her ear in a sleight of hand move he picked up at the academy. But this did not calm the situation, as footage from one of the officer’s body cams showed. An audio transcription is reprinted below, with Captain Hanlon speaking first: “She’s packing, she’s packing! [Sounds of handguns cocking] Freeze Campbell!

God damn, what dirty ears you have. Crow, check behind there just make sure that’s all. [At this point the camera showed another SWAT member pulling a dime bag from his sleeve. Several officers turned their guns toward him, and soon the whole of the LAPD squad was engaged in a tense standoff.]

“Crow! Seize that cocaine from him, Sergeant Scott!

Detective Hofmann! I have serious reason to believe Crow is holding some devil’s dandruff. Go over there undercover and see if you can extract it from him. Flowe!

You’re not off the hook yet.

Handcuff yourself to yourself so you won’t get away! … By the way, is anyone selling? I’m just looking for a tenth.”

When the dust of two cumulative pounds of cocaine tossed about had settled, four officers found themselves in the backs of squad cars. The unarrested officers Ubered back to the station, as those in the backs of the vehicles were also discovered to be the drivers. Mrs. Flowe’s throw pillows would never have the same bounce again.

Upon his arrival back at

the station, Captain Hanlon was greeted with a standing ovation. In a statement to the press, he emphasized this was “just another day in the life.”

“At the end of the day, I’ve put away another bad guy [motioning to the handcuffs around his wrists]. That’s one less bad guy to harass you on the street if you’ve been drinking. One less bad guy to shoot harmless citizens in broad daylight.”

Hanlon is being presented by the LAPD with a medal of courage next month, after he posts bail. Upon his receiving the award invitation, Hanlon put down his upside down credit card, rolled up fifty, and wondered to himself, “Am I a cop? Because I have to tell me if I’m a cop.”

Badass First Year Skips First Discussion Section of His College Career

By Luke Tribble

Staff Writer hen first-year UCSD student David Jones finally found the courage to skip his 8 a.m. Math 10A discussion section last Monday at Warren Lecture Hall, he finally felt as if though he had finally proven himself. “I’ve never felt such a strange combination of personal satisfaction and complete laziness,” commented Jones.

Jones claimed that his inspiration for skipping his first discussion section came from traumatizing personal experiences in class during the first weeks of winter quarter.

“It was terrible. I would ask the TA to work through problem 15 in the homework, and he would angrily start ranting in Russian. He even began to throw chalk at me at one point. That was when I first began to consider skipping section,” Jones solemnly stated, a tear in his eye.

Stacey Houston, a fellow classmate, remarked on Jones’s situation stating that “he was probably so traumatized because this was the discussion section for 20E, not 10A. All that chalk-throwing and Russian yelling probably contributed too though.”

Other classmates of Jones were asked for comments concerning the TA. “Our TA would frequently write insanely difficult problems on the board and challenge us to solve them. It was quite intimidating when he called on you to solve a problem, especially considering the fact he kept a list of students who incorrectly solved a problem,” stated Tony Stanson. “At the end of the week,

W

he presidential campaign took yet another interesting turn late last month, as a far-right political party called for a press conference to demand a stop to the annual migration of monarch butterflies.

The monarchs are making the journey north from Mexico to the United States throughout March and are expected to reach Texas and California by the beginning of April.

The American Nazi Party, a supporter of stopping migration, issued a statement saying, “America has an estimated 20 MILLION burnt orange, filthy ILLEGAL MONARCH BUTTERFLIES who are INVADING OUR NATION, and this evil Arthropod-sympathetic, capitalist system will eventually grant ‘free and unregulated passage’ to these foreigners.”

Additionally, the American Nazi Party issued an original piece of art “in honor of the non-human sympathizers of the anti-monarch cause.” The painting depicts monarch butterflies with wing patterns resembling swastikas.

GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump weighed in on the position, claiming that “when the monarchs send their butterflies, they’re not sending their best.” He then cited a study that reported “50 percent of the time, monarch butterflies are poisonous 100 percent of the time.” Trump offered no comment on how he was going to stop the large migration of a group of harmless flying insects all the way across the U.S. while also taking America out of debt; however, he did flap his arms in a manner meant to resemble a butterfly’s wings.

Monarch butterfly expert Dr. Lana Espiritu expressed

disgust at the anti-monarch rhetoric. “They’re actually only poisonous if you’re a bird. And it’s not the kind of poisonous that kills the bird. It’s the kind of poisonous that leaves a bad taste in the bird’s mouth. The closest comparison is the feeling you get whenever you hear Donald Trump say words.”

Dr. Espiritu continued, “Of course, I understand why Mr. Trump would be concerned about birds, considering the top of his head is a nest.”

Director of the far-right organization, Americans for Freedom Now as Long as It’s a Very White Freedom, Kevin Lambert, is concerned that the issue of the “most likely bazillions” of undocumented monarch butterflies currently in the U.S. is being ignored.

“What are we going to do with the ones that are already here?

They’re taking American pollination jobs!

“The only thing that makes me feel safe anymore is the comforting knowledge that the Border Patrol can conduct warrantless searches and seizures within 100 miles of all external borders. It’s the only way to make sure these monarchs aren’t smuggling foreign pollen!” Lambert neglected to respond to studies that found that “the demand for entrylevel workers is not matched by domestic supply, leading to an increase in the demand for monarch labor” and that “pollinating flowers isn’t an actual job anyway.”

Butterfly activists, including Dr. Espiritu, fear for the safety of monarch butterflies amid this heated political climate.

“There are butterflies out there who are in danger because they look like monarchs. Most people don’t stop to check before they make decisions based on appearance, unless they’re I.C.E., who make sure that they only apprehend butterflies that look suspicious.”

TOP Ten

Things Politicians Fail to Understand about the Human Body PHOTO By jen windsor

“First you stop wearing your lanyard, now you skip discussion. You’re quite the rebel, Jones,” said Jones to himself. “One day you might hold hands with a girl!” everyone on the list is forced to play a game of Russian Roulette, which probably explains the drop in section attendance over the last couple of weeks.”

Interestingly, when questioned as to the identity of this TA, Jones had this to say: “He never wrote his name on the board, and none of the other faculty were aware of his employment, nor his existence. It’s as if the whole thing was just a dream.”

Jones continued, stating that “after almost dying five times in Russian Roulette, as well as being humiliated for my mathematical incompetence, I realized that no mathematical review is worth my life, and most importantly, my precious time.

As such, I decided to just not attend. I was afraid at first

my T.A. would hunt me down and try to kill me, but after a couple of days I realized I was in the clear.”

Despite this traumatizing experience, Jones is thankful for it, as it made him realize the merits of skipping class. “I just feel so cool!” exclaimed Jones.

“It’s like, I wake up at 7 a.m., and I’m super tired. I know I have to attend class, but I just go back to sleep. I honestly feel empowered, like I’m fighting the system! I mean, what college student skips class?”

Jones added, “I feel that through my laziness and procrastination, I am an innovator. I hope I can be a role model other college students can look up to. When other students get stressed about their obligations, I hope they think of me and realize the benefits of forgoing their re-

sponsibilities, like preventing sleep deprivation or attending college for a fifth year! Isn’t that awesome? By slacking off, you could attend college even longer than you’re supposed to! Considering I love UCSD so much, I plan on slacking off as much as possible!”

While the TA may never be identified, the only thing that remains truly certain is that David Jones will not be found in a lecture hall for the foreseeable future.

“When I stopped attending section and realized no one cared, I then realized the same applies to lecture. This discovery opened up a new sense of freedom and blissful ignorance I never knew possible. Once I establish my underground iClicker exchange network, I will finally become unstoppable!”

10. Normal humans feel guilt 9. Your skin color is not determined by any adherence to moral codes or statistical probability of being convicted of a crime 8. Guns, at least sometimes, kill people 7. This whole “women” thing 6. Bootstraps aren’t an anatomical feature 5. The Bible is not a medical text 4. Whenever you point a finger at Obama, three fingers are also pointing back at you 3. The correct way to amputate a limb 2. It is physically possible to think about more than one thing at once 1. Where feet go We only fucking said fuck four fucking times in this whole fucking paper. See if you can spot them.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

March 9, 2016

theMQ.org

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Area Man Recycles, Saves Planet

By Cole Greenbaun

Assistant Content Editor he eyes of the world were focused on San Diego today, as area man Chase Baron officially saved the planet by recycling his 12oz can of Coke. “I’ve always thought that someone should get around to fixing up the trash in the oceans, and cool down global warming; I’m just happy to be able to help,” Baron stated.

Baron, a location scout for BP oil pumps, is reportedly an avid environmentalist, sometimes walking to the Starbucks a block from his house instead of driving, taking short 10 minute showers twice a day, and even turning off his lights when he leaves a room. Recycling his can is only the most recent, though by far most impactful, of countless environmental good deeds he has done.

“I always knew Chase was a truly caring man when it came to Mother Earth,” said Otto Manler, Chase’s coworker at BP. “Whenever he would scout a place for a new oil pump, he would always make sure that the pumps wouldn’t kill too many plants or animals. With such loose regulations, he never had to, but he always did. Goddammit, I love that man!”

While friends and family have been sending Baron thanks, there has been an even greater outpouring of support around the world for Baron’s noble undertaking. President Obama has awarded Baron the Presidential Medal of Freedom for “having the strength to do what no one else could”, and also concurrently disbanded the EPA. Baron has also been made an “honorary polar bear”

T

PHOTO By riley mallory

Although he missed the recycling bin in the middle of the pit on his first attempt, Chase still ripped off his shirt afterwards to reveal a homemade “Captain Planet” costume.

by Polar Bears International for saving all polar bears.

“Look, I’m just a simple guy, who tried to make the world the better place.” Baron said, “All this praise and congratulation is really too much.

Though I will happily accept all of it. And if people want to give me money, I wouldn’t be against that either.”

In honor of his achievements and accomplishments for the sake of the world, the UN has announced “International Chase Day” in place of Earth Day, to celebrate the brave work of Chase and give the children of the world a better future. A UN spokesperson stated, “Once every millennia, a person comes along who is too good, too pure, and far more than any of of us dirty peasants deserve. Chase is this man. Who else could

have recycled that fateful can on that fateful day, and saved our planet for all future generations? I know not I, nor you, nor anyone else could have.

It had to be Chase. He is the Chosen One.” As the newly proclaimed Savior of Earth, Baron has been showered with riches from all over the world, and has taken up residence in the Taj Mahal, now known as the Taj Chashal, where he has been waited on hand and foot by various celebrities. Al Gore has reportedly dedicated himself to Baron as a life-long companion, saying “Chase brought my life’s work to fruition, so I owe my humble, wholly undeserving life to him now. May he live forever, a shining paragon of human virtue.”

While Baron has been living the high life, recent de-

velopments may herald the end for Baron’s ascendancy.

Reports have come out that Baron did not in fact save the world, and that the world is still suffering from an environmental disaster, stemming from local garbage man Steve Nashers.

“Yeah, I saw him do it,” said Nashers. “He didn’t recycle the can at all! In fact, he missed the recycling bin all together and just watched it tumble into the street and walked away. What a shame, what a shame. We were so close to having a perfect world, but I guess that goes to show you that the planet can never be fixed. I guess we should just go back to cutting down rainforests and dumping antifreeze into the ocean, because if not even our best efforts are enough, what’s the point?”

Woman Confused Why There’s a Reporter at Her Door

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“I’m still not sure why you want me to look confused right now. What is this picture for?” said Barsetti to the reporter.

By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor an Diego resident Claudia Barsetti reportedly answered her door early Tuesday afternoon in a state of confusion to find a newspaper reporter asking her questions about what was described as a “future ground-breaking journalistic masterpiece.” Barsetti was apparently uncooperative and unhelpful to the reporter, as she failed to answer several basic questions about secrets and hidden scandals in her past, and couldn’t describe a single newsworthy event that had happened to her since the last news cycle.

Barsetti, a middle-class woman of around 30, described the rising action of the incident. “I just answered the door, and there was a reporter there asking me for a comment. There was no sort of backstory or suspicious actions leading up to it to explain, I’m not sure what you want from me … No, I didn’t

S

hastily hide anything incriminating before I answered the door, why would I do that?”

The reporter, apparently flustered by Barsetti’s nonchalant demeanor, delved further into her life story. According to her statement on the issue, Barsetti explained that there was “absolutely no reason why a reporter would ask [her] to comment on anything,” and was completely taken off guard by the event.

She currently works as an accountant for a moderatesized semiconductor company, which after further investigation does not have any offshore accounts, hidden investments, or embezzled finances to report.

When asked about her childhood, Barsetti revealed that she came from an average family with one little brother, made grades slightly above average that were good enough to get her into SDSU and a few UC schools, and was not involved in any interesting clubs or leader-

ship programs aside from Key Club. Although briefly playing the guitar in middle school, she did not master any musical instruments before the age of eight, write any novels of her adolescent experiences or great struggles, struggle greatly, or realize a detrimental societal problem during high school that motivated her to start her own charity and/or successful non-profit.

“After a little bit, it started to get even weirder,” exclaimed Barsetti. “The reporter didn’t seem satisfied with my responses for some reason, and she started getting increasingly more forceful and anxious, as if she was on the verge of discovering something big that would suddenly help her solve a complex puzzle or gain insight into a problem in the world or something.”

Barsetti continued, “She started asking me if I had had any weird health problems recently, or if I had eaten any food that looked like a famous

person. Then she questioned me about whether or not I could do any tricks with my body parts, like pop my eyes out or something, and she looked like she wanted to strangle me when I told her I didn’t have any pets that made funny noises, or knew anyone with a cute corgi she could take a picture of.”

After talking to the reporter for close to an hour, Barsetti had yet to reveal anything of interest, and the reporter seemed to lose focus. “I could tell she was just getting progressively more frustrated, and then after a while she just left as oddly as she came. After watching a fire truck drive past, she quickly mumbled something about a deadline, and then chased after it.” The fire truck was later discovered to have responded to a false fire alarm in a residential house, with no puppies or other baby animals inside, after a man accidently burned the pasta he was making.

Graduating with an engineering degree...now what?

The last career fair you went to was abysmal and you have nothing on your resume that sets you apart from the thousands of other engineering students. You have no job, no money, no prospects, and nothing to fall back on.

Be more marketable and accumulate more debt through Rady School of Management’s one-year MSBA program. It won’t guarantee you a job either, but at this point, staying in school just feels better than failing at adulthood.

Page 6

March 9, 2016

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y

th l a e H Being for

With spring just around the corner, it’s time to make your annual attempt to become the healthy, fit, I-couldhave-been-a-model-if-I-wanted-to person you’ve always dreamed of being. Just as nature is blooming and invigorating itself with rebirth, so is your newly found can-do attitude. Here is an all-inclusive guide to making that attitude a reality, if only for a very short and fleeting season.

ES I M M U D ion

Pinterest nutritionists and bougie lifestyle coaches all over the world revere the role a healthy diet plays in a person’s selfesteem and figure, but it can be so hard to choose the right one. Here are a few choices, all of which are guaranteed to get you looking like Ryan Reynolds, or at least like the guy from your LAN group that keeps dressing in his Deadpool suit.

y Occas s for Ever

Diet

For Results Guaranteed in Two Years or Less

For Results Guaranteed in One Month Or Less

Oh, so you need be thin TOMORROW? You know what they say — you gotta hustle to gain muscle.

The Darwin Diet

Survive the way evolution intended! Make a habit of eating long-expired foods, and poorly packaged raw chicken. You are guaranteed to either prove your own fitness and superiority of your immune system or die off, and allow people better than you to reproduce.

Run-or-Die Exercise Regimen

For an all-intensive workout that keeps you running until you either become buff or drop, apply a generous amount of wolverine pheromones to your running shoes. Every time you step outside, a pack of wolverines will chase you until either your spirits or their legs break.

The Big Three Diet

For extremely rapid results, avoid anything that contains carbon, hydrogen, or oxygen.

You’ve got some time, but you want to be good looking for your ex-best-friend’s wedding. You know how it goes — if you put it in your mouth, things’ll just go south!

The QuickDiet Inc. Subscription Diet

For Results Guaranteed by 2047

Sure, all new houses are being built on floating ice patches, but that’s no reason to be unhealthy. Say it with me — eat your veggies, have less wedgies!

The Apocalypse Survivor Diet

Have all of your dietary choices regulated by QuickDiet Inc.! Get a two-year subscription to their never-fail diet for little-to-no cost. A package will be sent to you once a month, containing a new healthy snack. Items are sure to provide a surprise, ranging from Cheerios to kale to disposable razors to styrofoam peanuts.

Spice up each meal with a small, non-lethal amount of mercury. Although not immediately apparent, this diet is guaranteed to increase the survival of the human race when our lizard overlords try to take over. Little do they know, the bioaccumulation of the poisonous metal will get them in the end.

The Precambrian Diet

The only truly progressive take on veganism, this diet involves the consumption of foods that have been entirely produced by animals. Nothing consumed can be made or touched by human hands, to ensure its natural nature. Guaranteed results if used alongside multiple supplements and vitamins.

The Paleo Diet’s even more antiquated relative, the Precambrian Diet, requires you to only eat raw ancient bacteria and other primitive prokaryotes you are capable of finding in the deep crevices of the Earth’s surface.

The Bible Diet

Go on a spiritual and physical journey in the desert as you aim to lose 40 pounds in 40 nights.

Survive minimally by eating nothing but matzah and tapping on various rocks along the way for water, while being guided by Moses, the ultimate heart-throb.

ds, Superfoo e! e it r o v a Your F h a Vengeanc Back wit

The Reverse Vegan Diet

The Obsession Diet

This diet has been glorified by a range of people, including Van Gogh. Get yourself obsessed with a timeconsuming and expensive hobby that will slowly take over your life. Eventually, you will no longer have the time or money to eat enough food.

As superhero movies sweep theatres everywhere, superfoods are sweeping the theatres that are the stomachs of healthy Americans. These foods are so healthy they can’t even be put on any scales of normal health, and they have not yet been recognized by the FDA because they are so healthy and amazing! Here are some of the best superfoods you can find in stores or a hippie’s trunk today!

Grass-Fed Bananas

Leeches Serve these gooey snacks raw and swallow them whole for best effect. Not only rich in nutrients and lubricants that will make any digestive tract run like a well-oiled machine, these superfoods will cut down on all of that unnecessary blood in your digestive tract.

Cans of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup To achieve the power of this superfood one must have multiple cans of Chicken Noodle Soup. Then, instead of cooking the soup according to traditional instructions, pour out all the soup and instead eat the cans themselves.

Really rip into the metal, making sure to chew multiple times before swallowing. This ensures the transfer of all the healthy iron and aluminum needed for a healthy colon and esophagus.

Tech Must-Have Month the Gizmos of

Raised on a Kentucky farm in southwest Georgia, these bananas are the cream of the crop. Fed only with the finest non-GMO grass, these bananas are raised until they are 14 years-old and finally full grown, and then they are humanely slaughtered. Full of life-saving potassium, these bananas are a necessity for achieving a healthy glow.

Super Romaine Heart It’s a cabbage! It’s a head! No, it’s a Romaine Heart! This snack is sure to fly off the shelves! It’s very heart-healthy, and goes through your body faster than a speeding bullet! So strong it could tear down a building with its bare hands! It has laser eyes and frost breath! There’s nothing this superfood can’t do!

Even the most well-thought out workout regimen is useless without the latest in fitness technology. Check out these brand-new innovations that will boost both your workout and your street cred with the trendiest, most tubular cool kids on the block.

iHeart This new app for iOS will make it even easier to live up to the motto, “an Apple a day keeps the doctor away!” Taking advantage of Apple’s Touch ID technology, this app measures your pulse and keeps your phone locked if it’s not over 200 BPM. Now you can finish your workout without any pesky distractions, like Twitter updates or urgent medical emergencies.

UltraHeavyBook Have you ever wondered what would happen if you could combine the convenience of a laptop with the awesome conditioning that you get from carrying around a military backpack all day? Now you can! This speciallydesigned laptop comes with 60 pounds of concrete integrated into its circuit board so you can get swole while you git pull.

Fullbody Vibro Buddy Everyone knows and loves the vibrating ab belt.

But why should the rest of your body miss out on all the fun? With this new full-body vibration suit, you can easily get that fully-toned, perfectly chiseled build that you’ve always dreamed of.

And the best part is that it’s totally inconspicuous, so you don’t have to worry about people talking about “that weird guy in the weird suit who’s always weirdly shaking.”

Supreme Chronometer 2000 The discovery of gravitational waves was revolutionary. This brand new running watch will be even more revolutionary! Utilizing the power of gravity to facilitate the dynamic motion of its cutting-edge silicate chronometric powder, this nifty time-keeper can give you the most accurate time measures since the invention of the sun-dial.

theMQ.org

March 9, 2016

Lives of The Secret Coaches al Motivation

Page 7

In the health world, trainers are one of the most essential parts of a healthy lifestyle. It turns out someone constantly judging you and yelling at you for being a “fat pathetic slob” is proven to help you lose both weight and sanity. Here are the backstories and gleaming personality traits of some of the best trainers this side of the Mississippi.

Gooseman Comfort Training

Johann Pavlov

Dave Gooseman is a five-time winner of the “Best Trainer” Award at the Salt Lake City Gold’s Gym. Dave’s key technique is being as nice and agreeable as possible, not forcing any of his clients to do anything they aren’t okay with. If they aren’t okay with running or weights or even eating salad, its all okay with Dave, he makes sure not to confront his clients in any way to make sure they feel as good as possible and not at all angry or upset at all times.

Mr. Pavlov is the great-great-grandson of famed physiologist Ivan Pavlov. Mr. Pavlov’s technique involves holding the items that his clients want to quit, like cigarettes, fast food, or soda, in front of them, and then continuously slapping them in the face for hours on end. For an extra $40, Mr. Pavlov will even surgically attach your saliva glands to the outside of your face for further discomfort.

Hershey S. Bar

Jane Thompson

This clever trainer uses a very unique technique to stay ahead of the crowds. He makes his clients run to catch him, but he’s always a mile ahead of them as they run. Always just ahead, his chocolatey skin warm in the sunlight, he’s so close but so far away. You can just taste him, melting in your arms and hand and mouth. You want him all over your taste buds, tickling and tantalizing them with warm melty goodness.

Jane didn’t just become the great trainer she is today overnight. When Jane was a child, she was bullied by older kids about her body. One when day she was driving down a lone dark wooded road, Jane saw some hitchhikers who turned out to be the bullies who insulted her. She picked up the bullies for a drive home, and then drove into the woods with her father’s hunting rifle in her trunk, and no one ever found them. Wait, what was the question?

Yoga

e Modern Moves for th

Age

Yoga is a vital way to strengthen your core and soul in between brutal diets and workouts. Try these newly designed yoga moves, meant to be accessible and beneficial to both beginners and experts to destress and prove your health superiority.

3

1 The Seashell

Amazonian Tree

Start in a basic, sturdy tree pose, and have a friend push you over. Try to maintain a straight spine, and not let your arms falter as you fall to the ground.

Curl up into fetal position and cry while still maintaining a steady breathing technique to instantly destress.

2 Stolen Valor

Bed Pose

Ease into warrior one pose, and then, when feeling settled, falsely claim to the people around you that you served in the Iraq War.

y

B position m o C y d o Human BThe Numbers

4

Get on all fours, and focus on maintaining a sturdy base to simulate a stable, comfortable bed. Next, have a partner lay on top of you for six to eight hours.

Being knowledgeable about your own body is vital to maintaining good health and properly taking care of it. Knowing what you are physically made of is extremely useful when trying to find that perfect quick fix or way to cheat on your diet while still getting some effects. Here is an infographic revealing the body composition of an average human (based on a 2000 Calorie diet). If you feel your body composition is different than this average, too bad. We can’t please everyone.

5% cavity hollowed out by a spider raising its young

8: Maximum occupancy

18% self loathing 37 pieces of gum in your stomach, still digesting

10% protons

25% chance of passing it on to your kids

30% hot air Property of Exxon Mobile 3% free will

Batteries not included

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March 9, 2016

New Hazard Labels Required for Women in STEM to Ensure Proper Handling

Student Forgets to Set Alarm Before 15-Minute Power Nap, Sleeps for a Week

PHOTO By lawrence lee

The student eventually awoke not to his alarm, or the bustling of his roommates, but rather the gentle tickling of ivy that had grown over a large portion of his body.

By Sarah Wernher developing after unexpectedly Staff Writer n an unfortunate but unsurprising turn of events earlier this Winter Quarter, a UCSD undergraduate found himself living many college students’ worst nightmare: accidentally sleeping through a week of classes. The firstyear Computer Science major reportedly forgot to set the alarm on his phone before lying down for a short nap on Wednesday of Week four, and as a result ended up sleeping until around the same time the next Wednesday.

The freshman decided to take “a quick power nap” after having spent 36 consecutive hours working on a particularly lengthy coding assignment, fully intending to get up after 15 minutes and resume his studies. However, the ostensibly innocuous endeavor quickly became devastating when he forgot the crucial step of setting an alarm on his phone to wake him before slipping into what can only be described as an acute comatose state.

“I have no idea how I could have forgotten to turn my alarm on,” the distraught student later lamented. “I will admit I was feeling a tad sleepy after all the coding. I have a feeling that this mistake is really going to cost me.”

The student’s statement proved accurate, considering that after he was jolted back into consciousness by a sudden sense of panic very similar to the kind that many describe

I

PHOTO By jen windsor

When asked to comment on the necessity of the hazard labels, Nobel Laureate Tim Hunt responded, “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls. Three things happen when they’re in the lab; you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them, they cry and then burst into flames.”

By Hannah Rosenblatt

Content Editor new line of women’s lab coats equipped with mandatory hazard labels has been issued, free of charge, to all scientific research institutions across the nation in an attempt to make working with women in a research setting easier and safer than ever before. The new labels are expected to increase awareness of the unique challenges facing researchers working with women, and allow for an environment where these personnel can be safely implemented into labs across the country, with the right precautions taken.

The hazard labels were carefully designed by a national Environmental Health and Safety committee to include all the information necessary for proper handling.

Allowing for a large amount of personalization, each label contains ratings for the woman’s emotional volatility, and notation of any abnormal or

A

oversized features that could be distracting to researchers, as well as a menstruation cycle chart so researchers can know when to beware setting off a violent reaction.

“The key to dealing with these adverse types of women is awareness,” explained committee member Bob Curie. “Just because women come with unique challenges in a lab setting doesn’t mean that researchers shouldn’t be able to work with them. We hope these hazard labels will prepare scientists to work with them in a beneficial way that doesn’t put their health or careers at risk.”

Initial feedback on the new lab coats indicates that they are extremely effective, and beneficial in a variety of lab settings. Jim Elion, lab assistant in Berkeley’s chemical engineering department, explained, “I have dealt with a large variety of women while conducting my research, and these new hazard labels make it significantly easier for me

to perform experiments fully prepared for any obstacles I might encounter in the lab.

It is very comforting to know the relative risk of a female counterpart having an emotional breakdown at any moment. I have started taking extra precautions to ensure that stray tears or unexpected bouts of rage do not impede any sensitive experiments I am conducting.”

Another advocate for the labels, geneticist Richard Franklin, praised them for allowing him to focus on his research like never before: “When dealing with precise or complex experiments, any distraction can prove to be detrimental. These hazard label-equipped lab coats enable me to prevent unnecessary distractions by serving as a warning of when a woman of a certain physique could catch me off guard.

Now, from simply glancing at the large hazard symbol on a woman’s coat when she walks in, I can know instantly

whether I need to duck my head down, or yell at her to leave the room before I accidentally look at her legs.”

Despite minor criticisms, Environmental Health and Safety Members have reported that the results of the labels are overall positive, and hope to improve them even further. Curie reported the committee was currently working to add labeling that would help researchers make decisions about which women to bring into their labs as well, providing them with invaluable information when hiring.

“Ideally,” Curie stated, “these labels would contain information useful from a consumer-standpoint as well. Next month, we are planning on releasing new labels that include individual fertility scores, to allow researchers to determine the likelihood that the women they take on will disrupt or delay lab activities by requesting maternity leave.”

Leaked Details about Seventh College As rumors float around about a supposed seventh college, The MQ has acquired highly classified details about what UCSD is planning for it.

While our methods may not have been “legal” or “moral,” we felt that you, the people of UCSD, had a right to know. Now, excuse us while we all collectively move to Russia. a. Supposedly, the seventh college will be the hidden location of Khosla’s seventh Horcrux. b. Even though they will start housing students in 2017, the new college will not be finished until 2020, due to the construction of the seventh college’s secret underground tunnels. c. All doubles will have cramped bunk beds and raccoons will have priority access to the bottom bunk. d. One far-fetched and probably false detail heard from an undisclosed source is that the seventh college won’t be that much different from the other colleges in any way. However, this is very unlikely. e. Due to space constraints, the new college will be located literally on the beach. Sadly, every year the college will have to be evacuated in early March, and the college partially rebuilt due to damage from erosion. reOn the documents that d un fo we covered, muche th at wh is is th ol for anticipated symb ege will ll co h nt ve se e th s acwa e ag im be. This e slogan th th wi d ie an mp co Out.” s rk Wo “Hoping it

have Leaked picturesat apsurfaced of whmock-up pears to be a llege’s of Seventh Co It aponly building. h Colpears that Sevent rety, lege in its enti l acall housing and al will ademic buildings,a sinbe combined into ilding gle 29-story bu ilding to “save on bu.” costs and energy

becoming old enough to assume adult responsibilities, he was confronted with the unforgiving reality that he had missed two midterms, one mandatory discussion, and three lectures in which attendance was taken via iClicker.

In the aftermath of this incident many other students have expressed a growing sense of unease over the everpresent danger of oversleeping as a result of failing to set an alarm. “I never admitted it, but I always kind of believed it when they said ‘You snooze, you lose,’” confessed one haggard-looking second year, struggling not to spill the coffee in her shaking hand.

“After hearing about this, I know I’m not just being neurotic,” another commented. “I really don’t want to experience the same thing, but I can’t wake up even when I do set an alarm. And I just can’t help but suspect that my roommates are somehow talking about me whenever I overhear them planning an elaborate plot to murder someone in their sleep when I first wake up in the mornings.”

As for the first-year for whom this waking (or perhaps, non-waking) nightmare is a reality, the consequence is a severe blow to his GPA, an exacerbation of his general sense of disorientation, and quite possibly the necessity of remaining at UCSD for an extra school year in order to catch up on the week’s worth of material he missed.

TOP Ten

Similarities Between Supreme Court Justices Being Sworn In and the First Day of Kindergarten 10. As long as you remember which hand is your right one and how to write your name you should be fine 9. You can tell who the Chief Justice is because they brought a mini-Oreo pack in their lunch box 8. If the majority of the kids say so, then a square peg does fit into a round hole 7. That one guy just asked his first question in 10 years 6. Shoes that light up 5. The future of the nation rests in your hands 4. You know that if you bring Sotomayor a Hershey’s Kiss Ginsberg will want one too and then you’ll need one for everyone 3. You don’t know why anyone thought you were up to this and you’re surprised you’ve made it this far 2. American tax dollars made this whole thing possible 1. “I’m gonna be here forever!”

Sent from our iPhone

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

March 9, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 9

Local Insult Comic Paralyzed

by Perception of Self

By Barak Tzori

A

POINT

I Just Need a Second to Decide Between the BLT Sandwich and the Caesar Salad

By John Miller

Managing Editor

long string of past experiences and subjectively-derived truths had already determined the outcomes of the most recent performance of the Silicon Valley based insult comic Julius Henry. He opened his set last week by asking an unsuspecting audience member, his first victim of the night, where he came from. “South Bay?” Henry asked. “You bro-gramming assholes are all knee-deep in boxed water and traveling spin classes.”

For a large portion of his set, Henry would not let up on the man from Mountain View. Continuing to harp on the man’s profession, his bike culture enthusiasm, and the status of his child’s college fund, Henry spent about 30 minutes all together ranting at the poor man before he figured out what was going on.

“The moment of clarity came so quickly, I was unable to speak or move, yet I remember it so vividly,” Henry explained, describing the experience. “I was just coming out of painting the audience member’s perfect Saturday morning.

“I said, ‘You Mountain View idiots are all the same.

I bet you and your corporatesponsored bike team all race each other down to the local Philz, standing in line looking like a gang of meerkats all trying to get on that free Wi-Fi. One of you will spot a man wearing a pair of Google Glass, then each one will have to try to one-up the others with a story about the latest wearable piece of shitty tech that you’ve had THE EXCLUSIVE PRIVILEGE to beta test on your own children.

Business Man Just Trying to Figure It All Out

O

PHOTO By lawrence lee

After coming to terms with what they were seeing before them, both projections of Henry shouted simultaneously, “Shoot him! He’s the fake!”

“And just as I said that, I noticed a flash of light from the direction of the audience. Then again. It seemed as though every time I moved in some way, the audience member I was laughing at would flicker back. I was two seconds away from speaking about his Brita shower filter when I realized I wasn’t actually staring into the eyes of a sullen, slightly grungy looking wanna-be hipster, but rather looking at a mirror.”

Since that evening Julius Henry has been sitting in the corner of his downtown Mountain View studio apartment, not moving away from the six-foot tall pour-over device he engineered three months previous. He continued his testimony from the same position.

“I don’t know how it happened, but the classical relation of performer and audi-

ence, master and student, me and them, was broken.

I became aware of what I am and what I am not, how the choices and paths I took in my life led me to this current being.

“I see now that all my life I have never once looked into the black nothingness of the future and stepped into it based off of my own free will. I have always have I stepped back and laughed at those who did. I was only conscious of myself through the relational consciousness of others.

“My revelation took the unfaltering gaze onto myself by myself. My reflection, another being who like me never considered himself, severed the relationality between me and the OTHER, and I became an untethered human whose truth was disconnected from the

truths of others.”

The coffee continued to drip in Henry’s apartment, propelled by the ever-present, inescapable, yet unobservable influence of gravity down to the mug on the ground, passing on its way Henry’s poster of Simone De Beauvoir, in the style of Andy Warhol.

“It is clear to me now that I have come not from Mountain View, but rather from nothingness, and only in this newfound consciousness do I know how to proceed in order to not lose sight of the importance of authentically living only for myself.

“I’m gonna start insulting the shit out of little girls. I bet THEY won’t pull out any mirrors that force me to critique my own state of existence from the judgmental eyes of an outsider. Those little punks will never see it coming.”

Students Celebrate Rich History of St. Patrick’s Day by Wearing Green, Drinking to Excess

h, just give me one more minute, I can’t decide what I’m in the mood for.

I could go healthy and simple, but the feeling of bread between my teeth seems really appealing at the moment as well. Could it be because of its warmth, and the subconscious comfort it would provide me?

Comfort is important. It drives me on. It’s a constant that I need to intersperse thoughout my day as I traverse the world of finances—the harsh, unnatural world spotted with surprising fees I need to pay, troubling clients that require constant advice, sharp lettuce that jets out where you least expect it, buses that never arrive on time, unbalanced checkbooks, clocks that don’t work, harsh bacon, lost briefcases, slippery tomatoes, broken pencils, straight collars, crooked chicken. Noises, sights, smells—I need it all sandwiched between two welcoming, perfectly warm layers of carbohydrates. Why does it all seem so unnatural?

Salad is natural. Salad is an escape, a retreat to the earth.

There is nothing to cover or mask or make more palatable. It is raw. It is young. It is straightforward. It is clear.

The untouched lettuce has not yet withered. It knows not

the struggle of surviving monotony to achieve adequacy.

The cucumber has not yet browned. It does not know the pain of hot coffee splattered across exposed skin. The carrots are uncorrupted, the croutons nonchalantly tossed in to the heterogeneous, inconsistent mixture.

I need consistency. The kind that is wrapped up perfectly and presented neatly to me in a way where I can fully digest it. Where I can see its layers and understand how to tackle them. Where I can hold them in one hand as I bite into them, and fully confront them. I need consistency, even if forced. Even if I have to cram it into a paper wrapping, and pretend it fits perfectly, pretend I won’t be left with the smooshed ends of bread with some mustard that oozed out the back, the leftover, washed up remains of a life that once made sense. But a life that was so unnatural…

COUNTERPOINT

You’ve Been Standing There for Two Hours

By Bailey Arnold

Panera Bread Employee

Y

ou haven’t moved much, I’ve just been watching your face slowly turn from completely apathetic to slightly constipated-looking. I figured you couldn’t read the menu at first, but God, I thought you would have given up by this point if that were the case.

At one point, I thought you were going to order, but you just inhaled slightly, before exhaling and mumbling something about monotony.

If you’re not going to order though, I’d appreciate it if you moved out of the way, you’re

kind of blocking the other customers from reaching the counter. It would be so much less complicated if you just followed along and ordered like everyone else.

TOP Ten

Ways You, Taking Your Midterm, Resemble Laika, the Dog the Russians Shot into Space PHOTO By jen windsor

As the first person got in line to take communion on St. Patrick’s Day, soft cries of “chug, chug, chug” could be heard echoing from the pews.

By Jen Windsor

T

Graphics Editor

his March, UCSD students will commemorate St. Patrick, the man recognized by the Catholic Church as being on par with the original twelve apostles, by getting drunk and searching through their closets for clothes that are just the right intersection of green and sexually provocative.

Observers will congregate in bars, pubs, and — for those persecuted by laws about the proscribed drinking age — in their own homes to show their appreciation for the rich history and culture of the greatly admired nation of Ireland and the great symbol St. Patrick has come to represent.

Howard Johnson, a junior in Warren College and one of the dedicated few who risked jail time to provide his freshman roommate with whisky

so that he would be able to partake in the festivities, announced his joy upon finding out that his great-great-grandfather had lived in Ireland for six months, and proclaimed his newfound Irish citizenship with pride, a sense of cultural belonging, and the ceremonious chugging of a bottle of Jack Daniels, to all his roommates and neighbors.

To celebrate the joyous occasion, his girlfriend Jessie Adams bought him a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” tank top, and a matching crop top for herself. The couple are projected to break up after St. Patrick’s Day, when both Adams and Johnson will at different times make out with the bartender of their go-to pub, the Hammered Inn, in full view of their significant other, and fail to admit to it after.

The faithful followers of a man who, according to leg-

end, is responsible for the absence of snakes in all of Ireland, and personally inserts luck into every four-leaf clover, will take a break from studying and all other personal responsibilities and imbibe enough alcohol to drown their testing sorrows to show respect for Ireland’s patron saint. Some students plan to incorporate smoking marijuana into their observances, stating that “weed is just the kind of shamrock that St. Patrick would have liked. It’s the least we can do to honor all he’s done for us.”

UCSD Facilities has announced its plans to dye all water supplying the “EZ H2O” water fountains green, in a combined effort to both support the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations and to spread awareness about the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. The administration has, however,

reiterated its neutrality concerning religion, domestic politics, and Irish culture.

From Sammy’s Shamrock Emporium, key spokesperson and expert on Irish heritage and St. Patrick himself, Sammy Sherwood announced his support for the worldwide endeavor to change the spirit and message of St. Patrick’s Day from what it used to be.

He explained in a press release on Monday that “St. Patrick’s renowned illustration of a shamrock representing the holy trinity was really meant to refer to the trinity of Cider, Rum, and the Holy Spirits.”

Sherwood added, “It can also be interpreted as a strong message to buy 20 percent off Leprechaun aprons and matching shamrock hats. There’s truly no better way to show deeper devotion and respect to the Irish saint.”

10. You’re rapidly learning about the beautiful cruelty of man 9. About halfway through it got hard to tell which way was up 8. All of this is in the pursuit of one goal: sending frozen dead dogs into space 7. Both are because of a communist regime 6. You’re not liking your odds 5. This is largely symbolic, and will eventually be overshadowed by later achievements 4. You’d rather be playing Frisbee on the lawn 3. The U.S. government was against you from day one 2. You’re a dog. Who authorized this?

1. Not voluntary This one’s for you, Justin.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 10

theMQ.org

March 9, 2016

UCs Banned from Asking About Race, Find New Measures of Student Affluence

New Study Finds People Have 14 Unspeakable Thoughts Per Day

PHOTO By jen windsor

In a different study, the researchers proved that while many thoughts are unspeakable, no thoughts are undrawable.

By Cole Steffensen and arachnophobic grounds.

PHOTO By lawrence lee

“Is that a year’s worth of tuition in your pocket there, or are you just happy to see me?” asked the affluence officer examining a UC applicant.

By Barak Tzori Managing Editor

A

s per California Proposition 209, the 2016-2017 incoming freshman class will be the 20th UC class to have been accepted independent of their race, sex, or ethnicity. Still, universities across the state remain in search of an ideal combination of easily-identifiable characteristics to pick out the richest, most financially dependable students.

“Of course I was in favor of the Prop 209 ruling in ’96,” states UC Davis recruiter Peter Bocian. “The blind acceptance of students has done a lot for this campus, and not just for the informational pamphlets we hand out to parents. In fact, some of my best friends are of some ethnicity.”

However, acceptance statistics for the Davis campus

have largely remained unchanged since the ruling. Two -thirds of all undergraduate students are White or Asian, less than 20 percent are Hispanic, and less than three percent are Black, which is not even enough of a percentage to warrant numeral use instead of the actual word ‘three’ in AP Style.

Another recruiter offered an explanation for the apparent failure of Prop 209. “The biggest problem here is that good-willed people are being burned at both ends,” said Community Relations Chancellor Diane Dietz. “All the recruiters have been trained to have a blind eye. But all the recruiters know who pays their salary — University Big Wigs and wealthy alums.

“So you come up with a system of determining a student’s potential monetary value without knowing their race

or gender,” Dietz continues.

“What kind of neighborhood are they from? How private was their high school? How many Jacuzzi jets do they average per hot tub they own?”

A recruiter from UCLA, who wished to remain unnamed, presented their formula for determining a student’s eligibility. Named “The Russell M. Jackson Human-to-Ka-ching Equation”, the formula uses a variety of conversions to turn a qualitative individual into a quantitative piece of data.

“Basically, I was told to determine exactly how much of a cash cow any one person would be to the university,” explained the recruiter, codenamed Mussell J. Rackson, while speaking into a voice modulator, fully aware that the interview would be published in print only.

“Look how rich the school is now. We just got two new

fountains, one next to the Black Resource Center, and one to really pull the Alumni Center together. The Italian marble tile flooring was just not doing it by itself.”

Larree Renda, a Latina student graduating fourth in her class from Sunny Hills High School in Fullerton, California, is hoping to receive her acceptance letter from UCSD later this week.

“I’m pretty confident I’ll get in. I’m sure my 4.3 GPA, my leading the water polo team, and my involvement in coordinating the city’s 12 soup kitchens will make me a star candidate. My only worry is that I didn’t answer the last question correctly. I think they asked ‘How much of your financial future are you willing to jeopardize for an above average education in a country that won’t appreciate you regardless?’”

Local Toddler Discovers Santa Claus Not Real, Life Now Meaningless

By Cole Greenbaun

Assistant Content Editor

L

ocal toddler Albert Cameron, age five, was shocked this past week to learn that Santa Claus is not a real person. After overhearing his mother discussing where to hide the empty costume, Cameron locked himself in his room for 12 days and only recently came out of seclusion, with the new view that life within the bounds of social construction is meaningless.

Cameron’s mother Nancy Cameron expressed her deep sadness for letting the secret slip. “We feel so bad for traumatizing young Albert.” Mrs. Cameron said. “We never meant for him to find out this way. We had wanted him to figure it out himself at the age of 13, just like how he would end up learning about the birds and the bees.”

Albert has reportedly been extremely despondent after coming out of seclusion, saying things like “If Santa doesn’t exist, how can I be sure I or other aspects of the world around me exist?” and “Life is merely one’s desperate scramble to attach meaning to a perception of chaotic stimuli.” He also began to refer to possible delusions, when he explained to one reporter, “Mother died today.

Or maybe it was yesterday. I can’t be sure.”

John Biner, the local elementary bully, was very confused after speaking with Cameron. After telling Cameron that he “better give him his lunch money” or Biner would “hurt him real bad,” Cameron replied, “Pain is a

Business Editor study released by the Bureau of Psychology revealed that, on average, people have 14 “depraved, unspeakable” thoughts per day. The study defined an “unspeakable” thought as one that, if said aloud, would almost certainly result in ostracization and/or imprisonment.

Dr. Oswald Greenberg, chief psychiatrist at the Bureau of Psychology, said the findings came as somewhat of a surprise.

“We came into the experiment expecting to find these thought patterns maybe once, twice a week. Maybe even once a month.”

The initial study had 200 subjects of varying age and background journal their daily thoughts with as little filter as possible. Over the course of the study, contents from the journals contained incidents of “nearly every combination of ethically and morally repugnant behavior conceivable,” some of which “shook [the researchers’] faith in humanity to its very core.”

“Even after repeated trials,” quoted Greenberg, “similar patterns, frequencies, and rather perplexingly, themes emerged. This was quite the fruitful study, in a way.”

Although hailed as successful, the research had trouble keeping on consistent staff in the beginning, according to Greenberg. On several occasions, researchers requested to leave the study on personal, religious,

A

“So many horses. I don’t think I can ever look a horse in the eye again,” said Lorena Esparza, a junior researcher at the Bureau. “My mom’s been calling me for the last week and I haven’t felt strong enough to talk to her yet. I’m still so unclean.”

In addition to unspeakable thoughts, the journals collected thousands of samples of thoughts and opinions that even the most immodest crowds would finding shocking, citing one subject’s tenpage description of a short film which would require several acts of treason, four chickens, and a Zamboni to properly complete.

“In the future, I think we’ll ask people to be a little less specific. Let’s just say that Freud was more right than we thought.”

The results and contents of the unspeakable thoughts varied subtly across cultures and social group, but were all characterized as each “unredeemable and repugnant” in their own way, and touched on similar recurring ideas, especially parents and farm animals.

Greenberg conceded, however, that initial expectations may have been misguided.

“Before we started the study, we weren’t even aware of the horrible things going through our own heads all the time,” Greenberg said. “...What?

Lizard people? Oh, sorry, did you ask me something? I was thinking about, well, I probably shouldn’t say.”

TOP Ten

Ways Not to Use a Blender

“God is dead,” Cameron said, “And with this crayon, I killed him.” figment of the mind, as one tries to find some proof that one exists. Hurt me, and the pain will fade and I will go on my way. Or take this worthless paper that we try to assign value to, and go on thinking that life is logical. Either way, just like Santa, your identity as a large, socially dominant male isn’t real and it doesn’t matter.” Biner was reportedly seen running away, crying.

“We are all the living manifestation of Sisyphus,” Cameron stated. “We push our boulder of this search for happiness up the hill that is mundane life, only for it to roll back down for us to start over. One can only find peace when they accept that it is useless to push the

boulder, useless to pursue such imaginary dreams, and useless to believe that Santa knows when you are naughty or nice.”

Cameron’s father, Fred Cameron, was adamant that his son would give up his “crazy voodoo nihilistic ways” once he showed him how great life could be.

“I took him to Toys R Us and told him he could pick out any toy he wanted,” Mr. Cameron said, “and he walked over to a shelf and picked up a Nerf gun. I was really excited that he was going to change his ways, till he started squinting and commenting on how ‘piercing the light was,’ saying he could ‘shoot or not shoot’ and then shot

PHOTO By romelle canonizado

me with the gun five times in the chest and walked away as if nothing had occurred. I fear that he may be too far gone for me to help him.”

For the time being, Cameron has no intention of changing his new life view, spending his time writing prose on the subject, while also staring dead-eyed at a blank wall.

Cameron commented on his post-Santa life, saying “While life is meaningless and existence is futile, I hold out on a sliver of lightness. I can’t wait to reach the day when I am met by the one incorruptible, joyful figure that transcends all social constructs and cannot be touched or denied existence by the minds of others: the Easter Bunny.”

10. While in a microwave 9. As a food processor. No respectable chef would call that a “mince” 8. Holding it up to the sky to try and make a typhoon 7. To sign up for classes. That’s all done through WebReg now 6. Submerge it in your bathtub along with your toaster 5. Actually, it works pretty well as a flower vase. Mom was wrong about that one 4. A replacement for a car motor 3. During a strong thunderstorm. You don’t know what will happen 2. A tiny, shitty helicopter 1. To put things back together The devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal, but we don’t have a soul so we’re not in this story. Or Georgia.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

March 9, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 11

Political Conversations Revealed as Finite Resource, to Be Depleted by Mid-2017

TOP six

Cartoon Characters That Hit Rock Bottom 6.

Yugi Mutou couldn’t escape his severe gambling addiction and it slowly consumed him

By Hannah Rosenblatt

A

Content Editor

recent study concluded that discussion topics and information about the 2016 election available to the general public are decreasing at an alarming rate, and if current trends continue, supplies are predicted to be completely diminished by April 2017. Researchers involved in the study are urging people to use their little- known Marco Rubio facts and Ted Cruz puns sparingly, in an attempt to slow the depletion of the dwindling resource.

Lead researchers on the team that conducted the study explained, “We initially decided to investigate the issue after noticing an irregular lull in tweets and Facebook posts about political candidates and polls. We normally don’t see any dip in posting frequencies below a few percentiles, but one particular Sunday in December, from around 3 to 5 a.m., there was a short drop.”

“After further investigation, we realized just how precious new and original political information and conversation starters were.

With such high usage rates, causal political talking points are harder and harder to come across and will eventually disappear forever.

Then who knows what people will discuss at the water cooler? Sports? Television?

Not likely.”

Innovative and groundbreaking methodologies have already been developed by committed researchers to tackle this problem. Such methods include observing micro-scale diminishing values of conversations between a small number of individuals, and fitting the

5. Osmosis Jones mutated into a cancerous white blood cell and now occupies his time by uncontrollably replicating 4.

PHOTO By lawrence lee

While the reserve tank of immigration conversation topics might run out this year, Cruz is happy to report he still has a full stock of bigotry tanks. curves to larger population trends alongside careful social media monitoring and projections. The data demonstrated that after about only seven minutes of conversation in which participants were asked to come up with all of the possible ways to describe Bernie Sanders as a radical socialist, conversations appeared to dwindle and were met by reported “awkward silences.”

This finding took one researcher, Deborah Guerrera, by surprise. “We were expecting the generation of ideas and dialogue about the topic to slowly increase and then eventually stabilize at a certain level and continue indefinitely, similar to how people thought the strength of hair gel products would improve in the 60s. However, we were quickly proven wrong after

one participant, six minutes and 30 seconds in, resorted to comparing Sanders’ hair to a map of Nebraska, and then silently bowed their head in shame for the remainder of the experiment.”

“This finding fundamentally changes the way we view political conversation and interest and calls for a rise to action by the public at large to prevent eventual catastrophe,” Guerra continued. “When applied at a larger scale to the whole population, these 'awkward silences' will eventually take the nation by storm, and people will lose the capability to communicate with each other about political ideas.

Then they will slowly lose common political knowledge like the names of all seven Supreme Court Justices or who the Attorney General is.”

Although an explosion

of political conversations leading up to the next presidential election could have immediate positive effects on the democratic process, it will ultimately prove to be detrimental. Researchers project that depletion of political conversations in the future could greatly damage the survival of future elections that will not seem as engaging or noteworthy.

Guerrera suggests for citizens to proceed in engaging with the democratic process, but do so more cautiously.

“People have to understand that there is a limit to how much care and enthusiasm they can hold towards American politics. If they use it all up now, they will ultimately lose interest and fail to participate in the future, and the last thing we want is for potential voters to fall silent.”

with bristles especially designed for rose petals, all essential items for those who are looking to cloak themselves in 50 Shades of Irony, the best-selling fan fiction in New New York.

Student Found In C.S. Dungeon After weeklong Disappearance

a mormon just b'riefs Academy Introduces Silver and Rose Gold Statuettes After facing enormous backlash from the public regarding the lack of diversity present at the recent Academy Awards ceremony, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) decided to implement a number of radical changes to boost representation for all groups at the annual film awards.

The most significant of these changes was proposed

by Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs, who addressed the controversy in a press conference Tuesday morning.

“The Academy recognizes the public’s concern about how we honor the achievements of today’s filmmakers,” Isaacs said. “Thus, we have introduced a new line of Oscar statuettes to, you know, mix it up a bit.”

Starting in 2017, the new statuettes will be available in silver and rose gold variations.

“We at the Academy are extremely excited to enforce these changes and hope that the community recognizes our efforts to promote greater diversity at our ceremonies,” added Boone.

In addition, Boone also revealed that the choice of color awarded to the winners would be decided on a firstcome-first-serve basis. As such, it is projected that next year’s 89th Academy Awards will mark the first time that rich, old white people could be disappointed for not receiving a lighter award.

The Roadrunner found that nothing lasts forever

Mannequin bites dog Chomp.

Terror.

Shrieks swell.

Macy’s torn asunder.

It must’ve been bad chemicals.

The ground shows a leash, disconnected and undone.

Headless and personified, its Calvin Klein boxers soiled bloody, the mannequin stands supreme.

Off to Babies “R” Us, hopefully to make Jonathan Swift proud, but the hike through the derelict mall touts no pre9/11 exceptionalist onlookers.

Only a young man, looking up from his biography of David Foster Wallace’s biographer, sees the sight, commits himself to the aphorism “form over content,” and begins to sketch mannerisms on a hollow iPad. It is past the food court now, a strange land of poorly-lit Burger Kings and fullylit high school slack-offs, unknowingly sitting on chairs filled with jewels, humming ‘Aquearela do Brasil’ without realizing the colossal mess they’ve made, french fries and college dreams all over the place, which no chipotle ranch in the world could satisfy.

The futures look bleak, but no one looks up from their table of combo meals to see the mannequin, who itself pays no attention, and by now has crossed over a hallway display of carts, each offering another piece of the puzzle, protection against the fluoridation of precious bodily fluids, combs for the newly bald, a paint brush

Local Student Diagnosed as Legally Blind from Rolling Eyes Too Far Back Paul Marshall, a Warren College senior, was diagnosed as blind Thursday at Scripps Hospital after his eyes rolled irreversibly far back into his skull. Marshall was admitted shortly after the end of his upper division molecular biology course.

“He looked more ‘over everything’ than he ever had,” said one student in the class.

“He’s graduating this quarter so he’s looked dead inside since Week One, but never to this level.”

Sources reported that upon hearing a question asked by another student to the professor that, according to Marshall, “was clearly to just seem smart and get a job in their lab after graduation without actually relating to the lecture,” Marshall’s disgust caused his eyes to roll so far back into his eye sockets that his optic nerves were damaged.

“I went from 20/20 vision to a -9 prescription in both eyes and am feeling more blessed than ever to finally have broke out of my shell,” said Marshall. “I just put on contacts but y’all can’t fix being a kiss-ass.

“Someone get me a watermelon-arita,” he added.

After being missing for a whole week, local computer science student Alan Bergeron was discovered in what computer science majors call the "CS Dungeon."

After searching the shores of Blacks Beach and the shrubbery of Pepper Canyon, Bergeron was found by university police in the basement of the Computer Science Building, a place where many CS majors flock to complete “seemingly endless” lines of code.

It appeared the student in question hadn't showered or slept for at least two weeks, despite being missing for only one. After a shower, full night’s rest, and psych evaluation, Bergeron was released from the hospital with no significant injuries.

In an effort to prevent similar experiences for other students, college faculty has implemented a Personal Care class as a new requirement for first year CS majors.

The class is planned to be a one unit pass/no pass class in which the basics of personal hygiene, time management, and the concept of circadian rhythm are covered.

The class is the first of its kind and is expected to be a huge success. Many other universities which offer intensive majors that have heavy workloads are expected to adopt a similar course requirement.

3. A moderately-sized fishing boat eventually found Nemo 2.

When Dilbert woke up in his cubicle one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed into a monstrous vermin

1. The Powerpuff Girls eventually faced the harsh realities of workplace sexism and child labor laws Ongoing Patent Disputes

In the captivating world of patents and patent filing, patent disputes are like the Super Bowl mixed with the World Series.

These disputes are a brutal back and forth, two sides competing for fame, glory, and the legal right to an idea for an app where you can see what coffee shops in your area have donuts.

Gary v. Ann In this recent patent dispute Gary Bigilo disputes a patent filed

by Ann Nickels on “Hating Gary.” Gary claims that he invented the idea of hating Gary in 7th Grade when he froze in his singing solo of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and remained silent and still on stage for a full 15 minutes.

Status: This dispute is still ongoing.

EnviroCo. v. Nature Tech Incorporated In this environmental dispute, two competing companies are fighting over their respective techniques to reduce pollution.

While EnviroCo. claims that Nature Tech stole the idea from them, Nature Tech has asked the question, “What if the green you’re talking about is not the same as the green I’m talking about?”

Status: This dispute is still ongoing.

Mark Waters v. Theodore Sands This patent dispute is being waged over the idea of a teddy bear for children with realistic human toes. Waters claims that this idea was stolen from him and that he “totally had the idea a year ago, but the patent process is like totally lame and [he] didn’t submit it.”

Status: Won by Waters on the grounds that he was “most likely telling the truth for the most part.”

Charles Domingo v. Tricia Leon In this patent dispute Domingo claims that he had the idea of making a portable shelter using two chairs back-to-back with a blanket over the top in September of 2014. But Leon claims that Domingo is lying and actually came up with the idea in January of 2015. She knows this because she was hiding in the floorboards, listening, and writing down everything Domingo said from August 2014 to March 2015.

Status: Leon won the case and is now watching a new victim.

Apple Inc. v. Samsung Electronics Co. In the most recent patent dispute in the series of lawsuits between Apple and Samsung, the two companies have been fighting over who invented the concept of a rectangle. Apple claims that they invented the idea of a rectangle for their iPhone 6S while Samsung claims they created the rectangle with the Galaxy S6.

Status: This dispute is still ongoing.

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March 9, 2016

WHO’S WHO AND WHAT’S WHAT IN THE SAN DIEGO 2016 LOCAL ELECTIONS

With so many distracting and excessively quotable presidential candidates, it is easy to forget that there is an equally diverse and star-crazed array of local candidates and issues right in your backyard! Here is publicity dedicated to bringing recognition to the local candidates and propositions in your area. Be sure to inform yourself of candidates’ platforms and personalities to the best of your ability before turning out to vote in the city elections based on your strong gut-impulses.

MEET YOUR LOCAL CANDIDATES:

Jeb!

DAVE SINGLEMAN for MAYOR

For PrinciPAL 2016

“Don’t you hate when

YOUR BODY ITCHES? Once elected, I will GET RID OF ITCHING. And TRIPPING in PUBLIC. Those two things WILL BE GONE.”

Less running, more dodgeball!

Singleman is just the candidate you need to seemingly magically solve all of your problems and minor pet peeves. Your comfort is his priority, and he will bend the very fabrics of space, matter, and the human condition to make sure you don’t feel annoyed with minor disturbances throughout your day.

Vote for Jeb! HE SITS with COOL PEOPLE like JASONat LUNCH. Vote Jeb! for Wilmington Elementary School PrinciPAL to ensure the security and bearable angst of your children. Jeb! has loads of experience coaxing troubled undeveloped kids, and is great with maintaining his cool when around immature and angry individuals. He’ll never yell — he’ll just be disappointed and talk to you in a stern voice.

IAN I. MULLIT for

“Please write my name in.”

s ntiou Conte

DARIUS STEINBECK CHAIR-MAKER FOR

MONICA

SUPREME LEADER of EVERYTHING

SALINAS

I really just want to be in charge of everything. I think I can do it. I don’t really think I need to explain myself any more.

CHAIRMAN OF

?

A future we can believe in

English Class President

A vote for me is a vote against “Heart of Darkness”!

Jerry Johnson Martha Johnson for City Attorney for City Attorney

ON IT!

issue

City Council JUST SIT

for 6th Period

‘Cause your work is SOOO important, Jerry

Take a

SEAT and

Anti Standing Desks, Pro Popcorn Reading!

LISTEN UP! Darius isn’t one of those normal politicians. In fact, Darius has absolutely no experience in politics or leadership whatsoever, making him the perfect candidate who truly understands the average working, uninvolved voter. What Darius does know about is chairs. He knows it’s important to have a nice solid foundation, put time and care into his work, and use only the finest mahogany when making Adirondack chairs. Darius is the epitome of the average American, and hates politics just as much, if not more, than you do. A vote for Darius is a vote for nothing but a good, honest chair-maker.

Mr. Johnson will do his best to serve the people of this great city and guarantee their freedom and natural rights as Locke intended.

It’s only a four-year term Jerry, just how much are you actually expecting to accomplish?

Monica is happy to be your flashing green light just visible through the fog, and put an end to those pesky class readings.

She’s just the do-minimal-work-andhopefully-accomplish-something kind of candidate you want deciding your weekly homework assignments.

UPCOMING PROPOSITIONS ON YOUR 2016 LOCAL ELECTIONS BALLOT Proposition 14: Marry Me? Movement to hold a referendum on whether or not Tim from Accounting will marry me.

Proposition 23: Town Mascot Initiative Make my pet goldfish, Leonard, the official town mascot.

Proposition 156: New Parking Lot Turn the Shady Grove Library located conveniently next to my house into a new parking lot for residents in the area.

Proposition 157: New Parking Lot Turn Connor’s house located conveniently next to the Shady Grove Library into an overflow parking lot for the local library.

Proposition 234: Support Nerds of San Diego Area Plan to keep Comic-Con in San Diego, and also denounce any attempts to make Star Wars prequels.

Proposition 71: We Have All This Money And Don’t Know What To Do With It

Proposition 92: Eliminate Excess Costs Get rid of all print media. Paper is a dead medium becoming completely irrelevant in the contemporary age.

Proposition 69: Halt Sexual Innuendo

Allocate an estimated one million dollars to organize a committee on what we should do with this million dollars the state just gave us.

Keep our children safe and innocent by banning sexual innuendo from thrusting itself into public spaces or media.

Proposition 187.2: Do Something Completely Constitutional

Proposition 5: Disaster Prevention

Deny illegal immigrants access to roads, reduced cost of food based on corn subsidies, and a cap on capital gains tax. This hasn’t explicitly been ruled unconstitutional yet, so we can technically still do it.

Allocate $570,000 to prevent a meteor from hitting the Earth in January 2017.

Proposition 404: Proposition Not Found