The MQ Volume 22 Issue 6

Sports MQustated

Pla Jo Fin yer rdan d o or : ut Sh ins oe id ? e!

Life in the Fast Lane

The Rise and Fall of Runner Braden “Two Left Feet” Phillips

Inside Look at Swimsuit Issue 2017 It’s Like Time-Traveling Lechery

UCSD D1 Football Team

Khosla’s “For Sure” Plan

The Growing World of E-Sports Yes, It Exists

MAY 2016 | THEMQ.ORG

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theMQ.org

SPORTS MQed • NOW!

sport

LIVE Print Coverage Indiana Pacers vs. Milwaukee Bucks

the

Difference

Being a superior athlete requires both focus and precision when analyzing a scene and determining the best course of action. Use this exercise to practice your quick situation-analysis skills just like the pros!

See if you can spot all seven differences between the pictures.

Hint: if you get stuck, try looking at the pictures from a different angle or waving them back and forth in front of your face for a little while.

Picture 1:

Picture 2:

PHOTO By lawrence lee

For a split second, Victors forgot he was supposed to be writing down the happenings of the game, and was able to pretend he had followed his original passion, live action animation.

By Ernie Victors Courtside Reporter And welcome to all our readers at home!

This is our first ever LIVE print commentary for the NBA, with the Indiana Pacers facing the Milwaukee Bucks. I’m Ernie Victors reporting live at the BMO Bradley Harris Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on this lovely April 13th afternoon — a temperate 46 degrees outside and the game is just about to begin.

And here’s the tip off with Myles Turner passing it off to Ty Lawson, Lawson passes to Hill, and Hill with the jump three, and it’s good. Ball to Parker, Parker takes it up court with a pass to Monroe. Greg Monroe, now I’ll tell you, he is a fine looking player. Real meaty kind of guy that you would want on your side in a fight after you screwed over the Russian ma-

fia for 30,000 clams betting on cock fighting. You know? A real man’s man. Fun fact about Monroe; he actually holds the world record for most clams eaten in an hour. Staggering amount really. A grotesque amount. God, last time I ever ate a clam was with my ex-wife, and boy can I tell you that did not go over well.

The clams and the marriage, am I right? And Stuckey brings it in with the two point shot, bringing the score to 15 to seven, Pacers.

Bucks take a time-out.

Back from the time out, and Ennis passes the ball to Monroe, who misses a two pointer. Allen with the rebound, passes it to Lawson, Lawson crosses to Hill, and Hill takes it back downtown for a three, and it’s in! Wow! I have not seen a shot taken that far from the Pacers in a while.

Hill is really bringing his Agame today, and why wouldn’t he? Straight out of U. of A. in

2013, that boy is still young and fresh, lean and feisty. Probably gets it from his mother, and I can tell you she was feisty. Met her back in ‘09 at a Wildcats game, and I’ll say she blew my mind.

Way better than my ex-wife, who wouldn’t come near me with a stick towards the end of our marriage. Oh women, such a handful, in bed and out. Though I will say my ex-wife loved to spend time with her chiropractor, more than is normal for a- AND OH MY GOD JOE YOUNG WITH A HUGE THREE POINT JUMPER! UNBELIEVABLE! THAT HAS TO BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED, SHOT OF A LIFETIME FOLKS! That brings the score up to 53-29, Pacers, and closes off the second quarter.

And we are back from halftime! The game seems to have started already. I must have gotten a little lost at the craft services

table, sorry folks. But let me just say the lobster bisque is divine.

Really subtle flavors of thyme in there, my props to the chef. Well it looks like the score is 73-56, Giannis Antetokounmpo with a long three, and it misses, Pacers take the rebound and Allen draws a foul. Parker is going for the free throw and the stadium is tense.

You can’t make up such a feeling of tension and anticipation folks, it can only be found here on the court. God, I yearn for these moments of pure game-riding suspense, the player’s body sweaty, shimmering under the lights, a true adonis. Believe it or not, my one true love is basketball. I don’t care who knows, including Barbara. It’s all I have now.

And that’s our game folks!

Pacers win 97-92 in a nail-biting finish! That’s all for us now, hopefully see you next issue for live print coverage of Kobe Bryant’s last game. Goodnight!

Answers: 1. You can only find Waldo in one of them.

2. The player on the tope is wearing designer ballet shoes, the player on the bottom is wearing Adidas knockoffs.

3. You can’t see this, but a single pixel in the left corner of the top picture was changed from “Gray 2” to “Gray 5.”

4. The bottom player actually has a chance at catching the ball.

5. The top picture is brought to you by Pizza Hut! Get any two medium pizzas for $6.99 with any toppings today!

6. In the bottom picture, the player has just been informed that his dog has died. He might not look any different, but he sure feels different.

7. One’s on the top and one’s on the bottom, you dummy!

Senior Punt Analyst...............Andrew Deneris 4th and Forever.............................Barak Tzori Third Base.................................Jacob Aguirre Third Baseman ;)...................Katherine Wood Tom Brady Deflater..................Summer Davis Interim Punt Analyst.................Hannah Lykins Junior Jr. Correspondent..........Lawrence Lee Expensivelance Photographer......Jen Windsor Folding Chair Afficionado...........Connor Gorry Not a Team Player.........Romelle Canonizado Webkinz Trainee...................Lauren Kirkbride Air Bud Recruiter....................Ingrid Sorensen

Guy from Dodgeball....................Evvan Burke Gal from Softball..........................Jaz Twersky Pal from Frisbee..................Chelsea Andretta The “i” in Team..........................Daniel Clinton Urine Tester/Taster.................Cole Steffensen The “Who” on First............Hannah Rosenblatt The “What” on Second..........Cole Greenbaun The “I Don’t Know” on Third..............Chris Jin Shortstop........................................Matt Olson Sports Illustrator..........................Riley Mallory Sports Authority.......................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

We don’t really know how tennis works.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. This is not my last production. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself these last few days. But in a way, it sort of is. In a few weeks, whoever succeeds me will be settling into, and I will have to start letting go of, the best job I’ve ever had, and likely will ever have. It’s no coincidence that Allie Kiekhofer, my predecessor of two years, also discussed letting go in her note for special issue. That’s both the wonderful and tragic thing about this organization: It’s something people dump their hearts into for years, and leaving something as wonderful as this is both extremely difficult and, ultimately, necessary.

But as I prepare to end my MQ career, many people are just beginning theirs. This year’s group of new MQers is the biggest, most dedicated and most cohesive I’ve yet seen. They jumped into an environment that was completely unfamiliar to them with such skill and grace that I can barely imagine what it was like without them. I started the year wanting to be a role model to them, but I quickly discovered that I had so much more to learn from them than I could possibly teach them. I so badly wish I could stay here for a little longer and see what great things they’ll do over the next three years. But at the same time, I know that I’ll be leaving The MQ in the care of some of the finest people I have ever known.

Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Judy Chen Kenny Cheng Matt Cusolito Chris Doherty Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi Abraham Galvan

Leo Grabowski Dylan Higelmire Philip Hodgson Chris Lee Nadia Link Ben Levin Eric Luong Parker Mace Uma Mahto Nick Martin

PJ Marrymee Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Alex Noftsier V. Tarini Naidu Andre Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Kavita Poduri Dylan Ponzio Rohan Rangray

Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg Anthony Showalter Nicoletta Skaggs Luke Tribble Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Booster Club Thank you to Evvan and Elizabeth for bringing water that sustained our lives, and soda that shortened them. Thank you to Connor for what is likely the first pancake-cooking session to take place during a production. Thanks to Matt M. for putting a significant dent in his surprisingly large stash of dining dollars, as well as Daniel, Hannah, and Hannah for their contributions.

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

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theMQ.org

The Future of Soccer Rests in Letting Players Hold the Ball with Their Hands Transcription of Talk Given at TED Sports

Baseball Audiences Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Drugs to Stay Awake

PHOTO By jen windsor

Jerry loved the rush he got from Coca-Cola, but he still longed for the good old days of Crystal Pepsi.

By Jaz Twersky Gal from Softball PHOTO By Connor Gorry

By Riley D. Mallory Sports Illustrator

In spite of its worldwide following, soccer has failed to garner true mainstream success. In other words, it has failed to gather a meaningful audience in the most important market: the United States. Now, what I argue next will be unpopular to many. Indeed, it will be sacrilege to some. But I argue that the only way for soccer to continue to grow — indeed, to survive at all — is thus: Let the players hold the ball in their hands. Any player. Every player.

The single, enduring element of every commercially successful sport in the United States — football, baseball, basketball — is consistent ball holding. Indeed, even those sports which have achieved marginal success involves the players palming spheres: golf, tennis, volleyball. Even some sports not

normally associated with balls, or holding, contain elements of ball holding. What is occurring in NASCAR, if not a driver steering via the manipulation of a circle, a.k.a. the planar cross section of a sphere, with his hands?

Indeed, this change would be nothing but an extension of the best parts of soccer today. What are the golden moments of a soccer game? When a player throws the ball in from the sideline.

When the goalie stops a shot with his hands. That moment of pure, fleeting, sinful ecstasy just before a player is called for holding or striking the ball with his hands during the game.

Why keep this aesthetic selfdenial that has marked the history of this sport? Why force ourselves through grueling periods of uninterrupted footwork in the hopes that someone might slap that orb into their fingery graspers in a fit of orgasmic passion? Our only barrier to this joy is ourselves. We

have it in our power to give ourselves ball holding whenever it is tactically appropriate.

And we can all stop pretending we like it when they juggle their balls with their feet. It’s boring. It’s pointless. Who cares if you can sort of juggle a ball with your feet, when you have a perfectly functioning set of hands ready to do the job, and do it better? I don’t remember the last time I saw Penn and Teller come out to do a show juggling with their feet since that time in the 70s when they were still living out of a van, playing hackey sack with street kids.

Don’t get me wrong; I do not believe ball holding will come to edge out footwork entirely.

Sphere grasping will be yet another tool, like the slide tackle, the forward pass, or the havinga-referee-killed-off-field. Kicking offers profound strategic advantages in terms of distance and power, which ball holding could

never replace. And I’m not arguing for any special rewards for dunking the ball over the goalie — as incredible a move that would be. All I argue for is the addition of ball grabbing within the legal moves players may utilize. All I argue for is the new, the novel, the beautiful.

Imagine this: Lionel Messi running down the field, both hands wrapped tightly around the ball, defenders attempting to slide tackle him from all sides. But he leaps, his graceful flight taking him far over them, their faces looking up in disappointed awe.

The goalkeeper tries to stop him, but Messi’s shoulder slams into the middle of the goalie’s chest, his cleats digging into the dirt as they tumble together into the goal’s net.

The crowd screams in ecstasy as a goal is called.

That, is a sport Americans will watch. And that is the future of soccer.

Mediocre Athlete Profiles For every great athlete, there are also at least five mediocre, lesser-known athletes in their shadow. These are the stories of the notably unnotable citizens of the sports world - not the unsung heroes; just the unsung.

Bryce Ludwig, Cube Companion

Patrick Collins, Accidental Master

He may seem like your typical 15 year old standing behind the world’s fastest Rubik’s Cube solver, but don’t let appearances deceive you. He’s actually the world’s fastest Rubik’s Cube scrambler, the indispensable partner of the Rubik’s Cube champion. After all, a problem solver is nothing without someone to make problems for them.

Patrick Collins is the reigning champion of the local high school swimming league, but he doesn’t actually know how to swim. He’s just deathly afraid of drowning. His form may not be the most elegant, but it wins the gold every time.

Colton Maddock, Nerd-Turned-Athlete

TOP Ten

Skuggs, Cricket Cat

Colton Maddock’s ascendance to mediocrity began with an epiphany he had in a calculus class, when he noticed a student wearing a basketball jersey. He realized it might be possible for him to become even more multi-faceted, by being intelligent AND athletic. Maddock claimed he “started off by going to the gym every day and eating healthy, and then managed to get into his varsity basketball team.” After high school, he eventually settled down into a stable desk job.

Yesterday, in a scandal that has shaken the baseball world to its core and roused it from its slumber in alarm, an accusation was leveled that the usage of performance enhancing drugs was much more widespread than was previously believed. A full 58 percent of baseball audiences are implicated in using performance enhancing drugs to remain conscious during games.

The accusation comes courtesy of the National Association of Concessionaires (NAC). They have based this on carefully tracked data collected over a period of 20 years by one of their affiliates: the National Association of Regional Concessionaires (NARC).

NARC’s member organizations frequently supply baseball games various substances to consume, including familiar items like hot dogs, peanuts, numerous forms of alcohol, and cocaine, all of which many longtime baseball goers are sure to remember fondly.

However, in the past couple decades, they’ve also branched out, selling new products like steroids, HGH, testosterone, amphetamines, and Cracker Jacks.

These new products, while not explicitly allowed sale as per NAC’s contract or NARC’s subcontract, are not explicitly prohibited either; only the consumer faces legal consequences in this buyer-beware market. Returns, however, are impossible and quality is not guaranteed.

NARC’s records indicate sales of these substances began to rise in 2002 with Oakland Athletics customers, and spiked dramatically everywhere else after 2004.

Coincidentally, 2004 was a big year for baseball in another way as

well: it heralded the release of the most famous baseball word problem, spanning 316 pages, entitled “Moneyball” by Michael Lewis.

Prior to this announcement, the only data that had been gathered on how prevalent drug use was among baseball crowds was a 2006 survey, which focused more on people’s reasons for doing drugs at games. That study discovered that, in general, reasons for doping fell into two broad categories: “trying to look bulked-up and manly, like a real sports fan should!” and “trying to stay awake through the damn thing.” While there were some individuals who fell into both categories, the latter reason was overwhelmingly more popular.

There are anecdotal reports which suggest that drug use has improved the general atmosphere of being in a baseball stadium during a game.

“It used to be either dull or angry,” said one longtime baseball fan. “Now people are either hyped up or very chill — I made friends with the gal next to me real easy, and she even lent me some of whatever she was taking. That was some good shit. I wonder if I could institute some of this at work for Casual Fridays? I’ll have to talk to the manager… there’s probably paperwork...”

While Major League Baseball has not yet issued an official statement on the doping allegations, an anonymous staff member confided that the league “is once again facing a decision where they have to choose between punishing the offenders in a manner that is consistent with their integrity and the financial position of the league if such a punishment were to come through.

“At the moment, it looks like they’re leaning towards a strongly worded warning.”

Claims Made by Sports Drinks Ads Skuggs the Cat is a legend among cricket audiences, for his surprise walk-on appearance during an exhibition match between the Norwich Chavs and the Oxfordshire Poppycocks. He did not obey any of the rules and behaved in an overall unsporting manner, but is widely admired for making cricket actually watchable for 10 minutes.

Casey Walker, Hopeful Kickballer All the stars are in alignment for Casey Walker, a 43 year old benchwarmer for his office’s kickball league. It’s the bottom of the ninth, and Casey has been called on to hit the home run that will clinch the game, and he’ll be everyone’s hero. Little does he know that he will actually twist his ankle winding up for the kick, bringing his short, but life-changing kickball career to an abrupt end.

10. Has been shown to increase heart rates in rats by 400 percent 9. Your coach will taste super good once you pour it on him after the game 8. Great substitute for Windex 7. It’s blue like water, so you know it’s good for you 6. Kosher for Passover 5. We bet you won’t drink this, quitter. Prove us wrong 4. FDA-acknowledged 3. Guaranteed to win you 50 percent of coin tosses 2. Essential bodily fluid loss is just pain leaving the body 1. Legally a drink

Page 4 • Profiles

theMQ.org

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

Karl Anton

PROFILES

Local Pee Wee Football Coach Defends Aggressive Coaching

Dalton Stern

The Man Who is Bringing the Fight to Curling

By Cole Greenbaun The “What” on Second Stern keeps me waiting. Not that I wouldn’t wait for the man who, within the span of three months, has become one of the most revolutionary figures in sports history. It’s been five hours, but he’s still in Basel, Switzerland, training for his next game.

From outside the rink, I can hear the roars of victory coming from Stern as he mercilessly beats slabs of beef, shipped in from Philadelphia, covering the ice with blood.

The rest of his team finished hours ago, but Dalton Stern, the first enforcer in curling history, continues relentlessly.

He lumbers over to me, sixfoot seven-inches. Blood covering his fists and bare chest, he’s carrying a slab of the meat he was tenderizing with his fists.

“You the magazine guy, eh?” he asks. “Let’s go.” We sit down and he starts to eat the meat raw.

“Whattya wanna know?”

Stern’s career on the ice began in 2008 in the NHL as an enforcer for the Toronto Maple Leafs, the unofficial job in hockey where players take care of violent or dirty acts by the other team. For six years Stern bounced between teams, regularly hospitalizing players and even referees on three separate occasions. In 2014 Stern was banned from the NHL for decapitating another player with his skates. A year later Stern was hired by the Winnipeg Wolverines, his town’s local curling team, to be the first-ever curling enforcer.

“I was in a Tim Hortons and dis guy goes ‘You Dalton Stern?’

And I said ‘yeh’ and he says ‘How would you like to work for me, severely injuring and crippling other athletes in adrenaline fueled anger over petty arguments, like whether or not they shot you a dirty look?’ I

PHOTO By Daniel Clinton

By Daniel Triste Reporter

PHOTO By lawrence lee

As Stern quickly found out, the definition on what a “broom” is was pretty lax and didn’t include restrictions for adding spikes. agreed immediately.”

Thus Stern became the first enforcer in curling. Since there was no official rule against physical violence, Stern was allowed to beat up the other team whenever he wanted, as long as he threw at least one stone a game. With Stern fighting every player, the other teams couldn’t focus on playing well.

Most suffer from injuries as crippling as broken wrists, permanently ruining their careers.

As word began to circulate of Stern’s epic fights, curling went from ESPN 3 to ESPN within a week, as people worldwide tuned in to see him brutally thrash players.

“If anything, this job is a lot easier than my old one.” Stern related as he picked his teeth with a knife. “Before I had to fight big hockey guys with padding, but now I just get to beat up these little men while they fight back with their plastic sticks. It’s really funny when they fall down like tiny turtles,” he chuckled.

After the Wolverines won the Canadian Cup — Stern scoring an impressive 2 points and breaking an even more impressive 12.5 bones — Stern was chosen for the Canadian Curling Team at the Curling World Championships in Basel.

So far the Canadian team has won every game of the champi-

onship, and it looks as if they will continue their six-year winning streak at the World Curling Championship, with Stern to take home the MVC, Most Valuable Curler.

I finally asked Stern one last question. What was next for him in his rise to the top: The Winter Olympics? A return to Hockey? The Normal Olympics?

But his answer was truly inspirational, one that really shows how much of a hard worker and honest man he is.

“I think I’d like to fight a polar bear… Yeh... that’d be badass,” concluded Stern, a true role model athlete.

Dan McGrubbins

The Anchor Who Cried “Mom”

By Matt Olson Shortstop Beloved area sportscaster Dan McGrubbins resigned earlier this month for comments made during the casting of the recent Padres game.

McGrubbins, known around San Diego for his quick wit and surprising amount of knowledge about American sports for a Canadian, had been a sportscaster for nearly 15 years. During an ESPN broadcast, McGrubbins had the following exchange with his two co-anchors, Dave Hernandez and James Bean: Dave Hernandez: You know, all things considered, the Padres are doing fairly well.

James Bean: I agree, they’re down by three but they’ve come back from worse. Any thoughts, Dan? Dan McGrubbins: Thanks, Mom. Now I’m a little concerned about Kemp’s shoulder, he hurt it last weeD.H.: Did you just call James “mom”?

D.M.: N-no! I said “man!” I know I said “man.” Shut up.

J.B.: Woah, alright. We’re gonna cut to commercial, I’m being told our producer wants a word.

Stay tuned.

McGrubbins then reportedly said he wasn’t feeling well and excused himself to go to the nurse’s office, but was found an hour later walking home and quietly sobbing.

According to an eyewitness, he was heard saying “stupid, stupid Dan” over and over again to himself while wiping tears out of his eyes.

ESPN has released a statement

Head coach of the Raiders Pee Wee football team, Karl Anton, has come under scrutiny for his atypical coaching techniques.

Anton is well known in the San Diego area for being an up-andcoming high school football star before tragically breaking both his arms in a break dancing accident. Anton, permanently unable to continue his football career, moved on to the next best thing, coaching Pee Wee football.

In an exclusive interview, Anton defends his unique coaching style through strange pop culture references, mocking of the interviewer, and yelling at his team, that he forced to practice in the background during the entirety of the interview for dramatic effect.

Daniel Triste: How would you describe the benefits of your coaching style?

Karl Anton: I’m really glad you asked that question. See, when my boys are out on the front lines fighting for their lives, they need a strong leader. If I ever compromised and showed “good sportsmanship” some of my men might not make it back.

You ever been in the military?

Yeah, me neither, but I saw Black Hawk Down a month ago and that changed my life.

D.T.: What is your response to parents on other teams saying “you are mentally unstable and made them reconsider the role of government?”

K.A.: I’m really glad you asked that question. Ever since the accident things have seemed different. Like stoplights used to be only three colors, but now I see two extra colors. The light blue always seems pretty chill, so I usually leave him alone.

Though the purple is a complete asshole. Once I was coming home from practice just minding my

own business at a red light, when goddamn purple makes me turn suddenly, clipping a house. Do you know how much a decorative bay window costs? Let us just say I am going to be missing my next few dentist appointments.

D.T.: What is the most important part of the coach/player relationship?

K.A.: I’m really glad you asked that question. It is always a balance between trying to be their father and being their best friend.

In one aspect I am the father figure that their real weakling of a father will never be, while also being the cool older friend, who can buy them drugs and alcohol.

You always want to keep the players in fear. For example, Steven there used to be my worst player, but now that he truly fears for his life. I have never seen a kid run so fast after breaking their leg before.

That crunching still haunts me to this day.

D.T.: Where do you see the team next season?

K.A.: I’m really glad you asked that question. This season, we were able to be the runners up in our bracket. Luckily, next season I get all new players and can leave these sacks of shit behind. Like you would think one simple blitz would be executable by a five year old. But no, every time I try one it’s always “Karl my shoulders hurt.” “Karl my hand feels funny.” “Karl I am losing blood faster than a popped Kool Aid pouch.” Well tough shit kids, everyone has problems and one of mine right now is your inability to do the one thing you will ever be good for.

D.T.: Well thanks for sitting down with us Karl. Good luck with next season!

K.A.: Yeah, like the middle aged balding interviewers luck will do me any good. What I really need is those small water bottles. Way better than normal sized ones.

Update on the Model who Almost Drowned Last Issue

PHOTO By connor gorry

“And I would just like to use this cake to apologize to the audience and my fellow sportscasters,” explained McGrubbins. “I’m sorry that I called you mom, Mom… damn it.” detailing their actions in the wake of the event: “We at ESPN condemn McGrubbins’ remarks, and want our loyal viewers to know we’ve taken corrective action. McGrubbins’ comment was inappropriate and completely inconsistent with the standards we hold our sportscasters to, and also we want you to know that we’ve been referring to him only as “mom” on all internal communications, just to make sure he never forgets what he’s done.”

In an interview, Dan “Mom” McGrubbins explained that he had been under a lot of stress and was

thinking about the birthday present that he had received earlier that week from his mother. “I was trying to think of what to say to her and I accidentally said ‘thanks Mom’ to James instead. That’s not that weird, everyone does it. Come on guys, this isn’t funny. Guys?”

The Padres organization has also responded to this incident and released an email to all fifteen season ticket holders. “We as an organization do not agree with Dan ‘thinks James is his mom’ McGrubbins’ remark, although it was hilarious. Did you see the look on his face after he

said it? Pretty sure he threw up off camera! Ah, he’s never gonna live this down.”

McGrubbins resigned shortly after these statements were made, insisting that it really wasn’t a big deal and all his coworkers were blowing it way out of proportion.

McGrubbins has reportedly moved to a different city so he could work at a different stadium where people didn’t know him, although sources within his new organization say someone knows a guy who knows a guy who heard that McGrubbins called his co-anchor “mom” once.

As you may be aware, actress and model Charlene Connors is in intensive care following an incident mid-photoshoot for our swimsuit issue. Connors, during a particularly dramatic pose lost her balance and fell gracefully backwards into the beach, twisting her ankle. While this did have the positive effect of shaving some weight off her ankles and the new position had

a naturally slimming effect after her entire body was submerged under the water, she suffered severe injuries after crews failed to notice her distress until the end of the photoshoot.

Friends and family have told us that she is expected to make a full recovery, and we intend to honor her contributions to our paper with a fully underwater summer photoshoot.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

If satire was a sport, we’d be the Utah Jazz

Women • Page 5

theMQ.org

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

Playing Basketball

WOMEN Olympic Committee Moves Women’s Sports to Top Floor of IKEA

PHOTO By Jacob Aguirre

By summer davis Tom Brady Deflator The Summer 2016 International Olympic Committee has announced new policies regarding women’s athletic events ahead of the start of the Olympic Games in Brazil. These groundbreaking procedures dictate that all women’s events will take place at the same time on the top floor of an IKEA in the suburbs of Rio de Janeiro. The Committee intends for these changes to alleviate the financial burdens of organizing and broadcasting events that “no one really cares about.”

IOC President, Thomas Bach, explained the decision at a press conference by highlighting its cost-effectiveness. “We save so much money by having all of our women’s events in one location and at the same time. This year we might actually make a profit if we pay them even less than last time.”

When asked how seating

would work for those who want to observe the women’s events, Bach responded, “Wait, you actually want to watch?” He then put the press conference on hold to do a survey of the reporters to see who would be willing to watch the women’s events, and a separate survey on if they would be willing to pay for it and how much they would be willing to pay.

Rio Organizing Committee President, Carlos Nuzman, described the layout of the IKEA. “We’re leaving the bottom levels open for shoppers, because what they are doing is ultimately more important than what these women are doing. The bathroom section will have the aquatic sports, as well as the gymnastics events because they’re basically wearing swimsuits. The Bråviken sink is 19.25 inches deep, so it’s perfect for the women’s water polo team. The bedroom section will have boxing, basketball, fencing, and judo. Personally, I prefer the Myrbacka mattress,

but the Morgongåva is the only mattress that can fit all four of those events at the same time.”

According to the Olympic Committee’s plans, table tennis will be played in the dining section, while equestrian events will take place in the IKEA restaurant.

Guzman stated that “women’s archery presented a problem. Originally we were going to sound an alarm five minutes into the Games that would let everyone know it’s time to duck, but instead we decided to just get rid of the archery event altogether.

Women shouldn’t be handling sharp objects outside of the IKEA kitchen section anyways.”

When asked where the judges would be located, Guzman responded that they “weren’t necessary this year since the women have only been judged based on their outfits for the past couple decades anyways.”

The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team is “used to treatment like this by now,” said midfielder

Crystal Dunn. “We’ve actually changed our training regimen in anticipation of something like this. Instead of playing on grass, we started practicing on broken glass or pillows. Sometimes we like to change it up and play on both, because you never know what they’ll throw at you.”

“The IOC’s next topic up for discussion is how to be more accommodating for our female audiences,” said Bach. “We’re thinking of putting the rules for each game and answers to frequently asked questions like, ‘Which team is the red, white, and blue one?’ on the backs of complimentary People magazines. And for when they give up and just quit watching, we’ll hide DVD copies of ‘Bring It On’ under their seats.”

“Oh, and for people who are still actually watching after that, we should be sure to include closed captioning in the broadcast.

After all, these events are meant to be seen, not heard.”

PROFILE: The Most Influential Man in NFL Executive Offices You’ve Never Heard Of, And She’s a Woman

By Barak Tzori 4th and Forever Chicago’s Auditorium Theatre erupted last weekend when Reneé Brown’s name was called late into the third round. Standing there with her Goodell #3 jersey held up proudly, her smile extended ear to ear, she became the first female executive to be drafted into the league.

Speaking with ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell noted, “We drafted Reneé because we think she’s got what it takes to run an executive office in this very modern league.

“Her being a woman clearly only furthers the commitment the NFL has to equality and progression, but has nothing to do with our expectations of her.

Did I know she was a woman?

Of course I knew. I mean did you see those b-”, Schefter cut Goodell’s microphone before letting him finish.

What makes Brown so suited to head an executive department then? Well for starters she had a Combine outing that’s nothing to laugh at:

40-yard Sprinting Back a Statement 4.58 seconds Lateral Bench Press Conference Reps

32

Broad Jump Get it? Because she’s a woman Vertical Jump 39.5’’ 20-yard Media Show Shuffle 5.4 seconds

“Her almost monster-like numbers in the 20-yard shuffle and bench press reps are what made her the perfect candidate to head the media-facing side of the concussion scandal,” Goodell commented. “She’s just the right person to take the fal-err umm show the world we’re doing everything we can to protect players.”

Sports MQed got a hold of Brown after her draft party wound down. “I’m just excited to have a job next fall. I will give 100 percent, take it day by day, and see what the coaches and directors have me do. I just hope they don’t put me on that

open concussion project.”

Another source from within the league who wished to remain anonymous confirmed yesterday that Brown would be put on the open concussion project. In a statement to Sports MQed he said, “It’s just the best move for the league.

“In the past Jeff Miller would dish out all of that ‘we love our players and their safety’ crap to the public and to various congressional committees. But the public sees through that. When Reneé will step up to do it, the public surely will suddenly have a change of heart and rally behind her, and her nurturing, motherly instincts.

“And if they don’t? Well it’s the easiest thing in the world to cut a woman executive from our payroll. All we have to do is say that she ‘couldn’t handle the fastpaced and aggressive nature of the job’. The man-cave grunts at home will nod, the women who care will be too few to voice a loud enough opinion, and profit machines like yourself and ESPN won’t report it.”

When Brown was asked whether she felt used being brought in to oversee a project with inevitably bad PR and an almost certain losing outcome, she responded positively.

“I just had Michael Sam over for dinner last night. You know what he said? Rake it in, steal free merch, and send your kids to a great college. Then see who’s laughing.”

An Interview with Seattle Storm’s Sue Bird By jim jearlman Sports Writer We sat down with Sue Bird, a woman who plays basketball for the WNBA. Sports MQed is obviously the gold standard of sports magazines, and we recently decided to set a good example and encourage everyone else to be as inclusive as we are by covering female athletes more.

This has nothing to do with the reader complaints about underrepresentation of women or the wave of eggings and general vandalization affecting our writers. That’s just coincidental.

Jim Jearlman: I guess you’re a seven-time WNBA All-Star or something, but you’ve had a pretty okay career for a woman getting on in her years. What are you? Like, 35 now?

Sue Bird: Yes, I am 35. I’m also one of nine women that have ever won an Olympic gold, an NCAA Championship, and a WNBA Championship, and I was voted into the Top 15 WNBA players of all time in 2011.

J.J.: Wow! 35. I mean, I know that you’re a “good” player, but it’s not like you’re doing things that men like KOBE BRYANT and MAGIC JOHNSON haven’t done before (See our 2010 article “Why the WNBA isn’t — and never will be — a popular league”).

S.B.: You mean like dribbling and shooting? Following that logic, basketball is a boring sport because it’s not like a match hasn’t been played before.

J.J.: Well, I do hate basketball. I mostly took this job to make ends meet, and I secretly envy your economic potential.

S.B.: I do get paid, but far under the average player’s salary.

The WNBA’s 2016 maximum base player salary for a player with over six years on her current team is 111,500 dollars. I’ve played for Seattle Storm for 12 years, and the NBA minimum player salary for a player with 10 or more years of experience is 1,551,659 dollars. My maximum salary is less than 1/10th of a male player’s minimum salary. Check our CBAs. J.J.: That can’t be right.

(Googles) J.J.: That is right.

SB: And that’s why I also play overseas.

J.J.: Several people have claimed a “disparity of resourc-

es” compared to the NBA, as seen in the WNBA’s corporatebranded jerseys and trampled or artificial courts compared to the NBA’s lush grassy ones. Is that actually real, or just hormonal exaggeration?

S.B.: That’s real, the WNBA doesn’t make as much money as the NBA. Most of the U.S. thinks women’s sports aren’t as good or noteworthy because that’s the way they’ve been historically treated, and that’s a cycle.

J.J.: Hmm, interesting idea.

What makes you think it’s a cycle? Have we reported something like that before? I’m not sure where you’re getting this idea.

You should check our WNBA coverage, over in the “MORE” section of our website next to horse racing. But enough about horse racing, what do you think you’ll do after the WNBA? Have some kids? After all, you are 35.

S.B.: If I couldn’t play basketball, I still would want to be involved in the sport. Probably be a commentator. I majored in Commu-J.J.: If you want to be a working mom, I imagine you doing something with the NBA. You could use all the emotional labor you put into keeping the Storm going and instead go and cheer up NBA players, showing them how to express emotions and bond as a team.

S.B.: And maybe also teaching them to keep their hands to themselves on the bench, not draw on their friends with crayon, and then putting them down for naps later?

J.J.: Yeah, exactly! Wow, so impressive! This is why you should be in charge of stuff like that.

S.B.: I don’t think so.

--See Sue Bird play with the U.S. women’s basketball team in August at the Summer Olympics, and in the upcoming season with Seattle Storm.

TOP Ten

Lesser Known Records Broken This Past Season of Basketball 10. Most times a player said sorry: once 9. Shortest half-court shot in combo with longest long jump 8. Most consecutive wins: the undefeated Harlem Globetrotters 7. Most butts “accidently” touched 6. Fastest switching of fandom between Lakers and Clippers 5. Most humans murdered by...oh, you’ll find out, trust us 4. Longest skid mark… for shoes 3. Three, for the most number of bedtime stories Steph Curry read to his daughter this season 2. Most individual pieces shattered from off of a backboard 1. Squeakiest shoes

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SPORTS MQed • May 2016

d e q m s t r o p s 7 1 0 2 n o i t i d E t i u s m i

Sw

Behind the Scenes

Graph

before

We put a lot of sweat and tears every year into our Swimsuit Edition, to ensure that we’re providing you with a pure piece of art: from form, to content, to pheromones included. Here is a special behind-the-scenes preview of the 2017 issue currently under way. Learn about every aspect of production, as we bring you the latest in photoshopping, modeling, exotic traveling, and seagull self-defense strategies.

before

before

ation! c o L , n o i ocat L , n o i t a c o L

We try to take readers to another world with our Swimsuit shoots, finding the most exotic and interesting locations worldwide to take our models. Here are some of the highly-contested sites of our 2017 Swimsuit photoshoot.

The Favelas of Rocinha One of Brazil’s most scenic hotspots, the favelas of Rocinha offer all the hospitality of Rio with only slightly less pollution and corruption! From their short-lived McDonald’s to their stacks of shipping containers, there’s no shortage of fun. If you squint really hard you can see the feet of Christ the Redeemer, or possibly just a rock. It’s hard to tell from here.

A Pile of Leaves In the time of Adam and Eve, the fig leaf was used to cover up. So, if you think about it, leaves were actually the first swimsuits! This crisp pile of autumnal leaves is the perfect setting for a nostalgic throwback. Who needs to look sexy on a beach when you can look sexy in your backyard?

es

perienc x E g n i l e Past Mod

The Remote and Rugged Rocktail Bay, South Africa The wild busty babe (Mammarius magnificus) allegedly still roams the remote coastal areas of the world. We will travel to Rocktail Bay, in the untamed eastern shores of South Africa, to spot these majestic creatures, tracking their migration paths, waiting for them to emerge onto a pristine shore where one can capture their raw, fierce essence. It is not easy, but it’s immensely rewarding.

Luscious, Beach-Side Mountains of the Caribbean The scenic Caribbean is the definition of paradise, with its intricate, green mountains giving way to stunning beaches, and crystal-clear waters. Hosting a variety of rare, beautiful flowers, birds, and insects, this truly is a must-see getaway. We hope to bring the pure natural beauty and exhilarating sights of this location to the homes of all sports fans in our next Swimsuit Edition.

Our old models sat down with us and reflected on how their experiences on the Sports MQed set went. We are fully committed to their comfort and enjoyment, and want to be sure that their time with us is positive and memorable. Here are some real life testimonies from some of our past stars.

“At first I wasn’t sure what the director meant by ‘make your boobs look boobier,’ but when I finally got the perfect shot with both boobs and butt properly displayed, I knew I had made him happy. It’s really not so hard once you break your spine.” - Katya Aleksandria

“I feel like being featured in Sports MQed really enhanced my skills as a model. I faced some new challenges, but by the end of the shoot, I think I had tackled all of them. I found to get that good wide-eyed look they wanted, it helps to just imagine really giant things, like an elephant, or Jupiter, or the universe.” - Katie Sunblessed

“The shoot I was on, for the most part, was fine. But apparently we were required in our contract to bring our own rocks to keep the seagulls away. I really should not have brought just a loaf of bread for lunch.” - Lucy Wonder

“Modeling for Sports MQed was a great experience. However, I do have some regrets about the photoshoot. What they don’t tell you is that right before every shot, the photographer fires a pistol into the air to warn the rest of the crew. Even towards the end of the shoot, I could never get through a set without flinching.”

- Joaannna Leafers

ng hic Editi

e

Sports MQed Next Top Model

The unsung heros of the production scene, graphics editors are highly-skilled in design and make sure that our models look like the absolute best version of themselves. Here are some well-known and utilized tips and tricks for graphics editing.

If standard touch-up techniques don’t seem to get models as slim and contoured as editors want, they will start with just the bikini and build around it. They first remove the model from the image, and then add in their own ideal figure from scratch.

after

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SPORTS MQed • May 2016

When choosing who contributes to the 2017 Swimsuit Contest, we want to make sure to include new, up-and-coming talent. We are currently accepting submissions from everyday, average gals to be our next model. Here are some of our top contestants so far. Clarification: We are accepting applications for a swimsuit model. This is not a place to send in nude pictures, or used swimsuits you don’t want anymore.

Sarah Brookman “This is a Swimsuit Edition, right? I think my swimsuit is pretty sweet. The fabric is nice and easy on the skin, and it’s elastic so it doesn’t restrict your movement. And look at the lining! A perfect harmony of colors and shapes. I don’t think you’re going to find a better swimsuit than this.”

after after Editors for the swimsuit edition are encouraged to get creative, by molding the suits that they want to see. Rather than making fashion designers attempt to design suits to fit the model perfectly, editors prefer to start with a more conservative suit, and then trim it down to the shape they want.

after

Helena Sweeney “Here’s a picture of my mom.

Man, what a stunner, huh? She was so great...I just wish I’d been there for her instead of working late, then she wouldn’t have had to drive home all tired. But man, look at that swimsuit!”

Delphine Romero

At times, editors will be faced with abnormal challenges. Photoshoots are often limited by difficult terrain, leading to less-than-ideal camera angles or positioning. For shots where the photographer is unable to get close up to the scene, editors use complex image zoom and enhancing software to make sure the final product is still clean and well-focused.

“You would not believe how many pictures I took that day trying to get it just right. Sometimes my hair wasn’t right, sometimes there were people in the background. It took FOREVER. Apparently we had some sand on the lens but I’ve been assured by my nephew/photographer that it won’t show up in the final picture. I haven’t seen this picture yet myself. I’m waiting to be surprised by seeing it on the front cover.”

after

Kira McConner

Photography

“My main man Tommy Hanks was totally robbed of an academy award so I’m hoping he can at least win this sexiest swimsuit model contest for People Magazine. He goddamn deserves it.”

If you are looking to get into the photography industry, and definitely have rich parents, then you’re in luck. Here are some of the best inside tips from our skilled photographers on how to get the perfect shot.

1. Industrial-sized fans can be quite pricey and break easily. As a good money-saving tip, get an intern to blow on the model at just the right angle to simulate wind.

Richard Morgan

2. A two-legged camera stand is more stable than a one-legged one, and a threelegged stand is even more stable than a two-legged one. If you’ve ever taken algebra, you should know that that means that adding more legs to your camera stand will make your photos progressively more stable.

“I don’t have a swimsuit of my own, but this lady on my shirt does. I think she’d be a good fit for your Swimsuit Edition. She’s a pretty good fit on me, at least.”

3. Lighting a shoot can be hard, especially when the trees really aren’t achieving that “green” color you want. So when in doubt, just shoot it in black and white, and add the color in later.

4. The worst feeling for any photographer is when you’ve lined up the perfect shot… but you realize you left the lens cap on! However, don’t let that get you down. Try not to think of it as a wasted shot; think of it a blank canvas; a tabula rasa that is entirely yours to mold to your desires.

5. Sure, you can think of photography as filmmaking with really big spaces between frames, but there’s really no need to yell “Action!” before every photo that you take.

6. RULE OF THIRDS!

The Latest shion uit Fa S g n i h t in Ba

Beth Hanna “I want to give a shout out to fucking Ted. ‘I look fat in this picture’ huh? Well guess what TED!? I don’t care if you left me for Josie from the diner because I’m going to be in the Sports MQed Swimsuit Edition! I bet Josie can’t even get in the Brownsville Beauty Pageant, which I WON, may I remind you!”

Surprisingly, the type and look of the swimsuit matters in a Swimsuit Edition. Now we know the true beauties of the images are the models, but the swimsuits are what make them so much more than they are. In making a Swimsuit Edition, one has to be sure they are with the times on the swimsuit designs, so here are some of the potential 2017 designs you may gawk at next year.

“A Salute to the Coast Guard”

“The Emperor’s New Suit”

The best way to support the Coast Guard is to not only adapt their sexy style but to make the wearer as safe as possible to make their job easier. Made out of the most expensive plastics and rubbers this suit will guarantee the model’s safety and her image.

Made of out the finest Chinese silk, this swimsuit is only for the worthiest and most honorable of models. Also the most humble.

Chanel’s “Holier Art Thou” Made entirely of rose thorns, now the model can repent for her sinful, lusty outfit by being in constant pain, just like Jesus.

“My Eyes Are Down Here” With sexy eyes placed on the cups of the bikini, now the model can feel respected while men check out her sweet tits.

Page 8 • E-Sports

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

theMQ.org

How To Treat E-Sports Injuries

E-SPORTS Player Sued by Own Avatar Over Contract

By Lauren Kirkbride Competitive Webkinz Player John “Woodcockjohn” Jimbaree recently announced he is being sued by his in-game avatar, the Dwarf warrior Thumperbanger, for unjust distribution of championship winnings.

Originally, Woodcockjohn and his guild won 100,000 dollars in the AmericArena Championships in December 2015. Of his respective 22,000 dollars, he allotted 11,000 dollars to Thumperbanger in the form of World of Warcraft’s gold coins.

“I just thought that since we worked together to win, Thumperbanger deserved at least half of my earnings,” recalled Woodcockjohn. “I didn’t anticipate that all the shiny new items would make him arrogant and lazy. Even when I click my mouse as fast as I can, Thumperbanger just stands around and says the enemy isn’t worth his time.”

Other players in Woodcockjohn’s guild did not disburse part of their earnings to their avatars. Fellow guild member Kittyrawr666 stated, “Why the fuck would you give away 11,000 dollars and not even on the monthly premium, John? Get a girl or something.”

Woodcockjohn’s teammates, players and avatars alike, have noticed a decline in Thumperbanger’s battle performance since he started receiving earnings from Woodcockjohn.

1

Make sure to buy a GameAlert, for any potential accidents. If you fall out of your chair, or set the room on fire, pressing the GameAlert button stops your Twitch stream so your pain isn’t broadcasted to thousands of people.

If at any point while playing competitively, one of your fingers starts cramping, the best way to alleviate your pain is to slam your useless pinky finger in a drawer for immediate relief.

The pain will eventually even out the discomfort of the cramping.

PHOTO By katherine wood

The cast time for “Lawsuit” is an expected three years, with a cost of 10,000 gold per use, and has an uncountable number of trips through the metal detector at the courthouse.

“He’s no longer front line and keeping aggro off of us,” comments paladin Whippersnapper.

“He’s more interested in staying back and showing off his blingy, two-tone diamond-enforced, encrypted armor than in obeying John. He doesn’t even pick his armor to make himself stronger, he just wants to look like a rapper.”

When approached on his conduct by his fellow teammates, Thumperbanger reportedly said, “I’ve got the finest wares in the land!” and proceeded to beatbox.

Thumperbanger’s fellow avatars have reacted extremely negatively to his change in attitude.

According to various reports from the guild, healers have disobeyed

their players’ commands to heal Thumperbanger’s “epic-monstrobunny-bite wounds.” In addition, many of the mages have “accidentally” lit Thumperbanger on fire instead of the enemy, blaming lag.

Whippersnapper and other healers have also refused to resurrect Thumperbanger in battles, saying that “he can pay for the entire guild’s armor repair fees if he wants to be resurrected, that gold-coin digger.”

To diffuse the tension, Woodcockjohn has refused to distribute any more of his earnings to Thumperbanger in the future.

This move was met with anger

by Thumperbanger, who sued

Woodcockjohn for unequal pay.

In an immediate response, Woodcockjohn sued both Thumperbanger and Blizzard Entertainment to get back the original 11,000 dollars he allotted to Thumperbanger.

When questioned on Woodcockjohn’s conduct, Thumperbanger answered all questions with “You’re not amusing,” “That’s not funny,” or “You’re startin’ to bother me.”

Woodcockjohn remarks that he is not worried about the upcoming lawsuit, because “none of the other avatars are being paid, and Thumperbanger’s lawyer has to pay a 15dollar monthly subscription and log on online to question him.”

Chuck Bert

A Look into the Non-Virtual Life of a Competitive Sims Player

3 5

2

If your hand gets tired when spamming rightclick in the ever-so-popular Mouse Death Race 2000, you can duct tape a vibrator to your mouse for a cool life-hack.

With virtual reality technologies on the rise, you must always be careful in understanding your surroundings when donning a pair of VR goggles. For instance, make sure to not play near an actual window when playing Ubisoft's new game “Assassin’s Creed: The Defenestration of Prague.”

4

To avoid anger-related injuries when playing competitively, like smashing your screen or throwing your mouse across the room, try uninstalling League.

For wrist injuries, such as carpal tunnel syndrome, there are many different solutions to get rid of the pain, like a wrist guard or a girlfriend.

7

By Lauren Kirkbride Former Competitive Webkinz Player A competitive Sims player for the past two years, Chuck Bert has designed almost every life imaginable. Bert has quickly risen to the top in the Sims market, making it to the International Sims Success-Offs last year, where he placed second to newcomer Tao Chen. Chen, who celebrated his victory by spending his winnings on his non-virtual marriage, is currently on a virtual honeymoon and was unavailable for interviews. But Bert is just as good, his Sims are considered the second-happiest Sims in the virtual world, and Bert won’t stop until they’re the happiest. We had a chance to sit down and talk with Bert over a bag of Doritos and a six -pack of Mountain Dew. Lauren Kirkbride: So what’s it like to be Chuck Bert right now?

Chuck Bert: He’s this tall, muscular guy with slightly darker blue eyes than the default setting. He’s married to this Paris Hilton-looking baker, and has four beautiful kids, and a job he— L.K.: Ahem, I mean, how’s the real Chuck Bert doing? the nonvirtual one?

C.B.: Oh— OH. I’m alright, I guess. Just paid bills and got a new shipment of ramen in.

L.K.: I’ve heard you’ve been living in South Korea for the past year to train for the championships.

Has that been a big change?

C.B.: I have? Oh, right. Well, I’m not here to mess around and vacation. I’m working on a new decent, shy gentleman who’s a lawyer, and tribal-looking motorcyclist chick for him. She’s gonna be smokin’. Also, I’m developing a new strategy for the championships.

An often overlooked problem with E-sports are the rampant amount of injuries incurred while playing. Like most sports, the constant strain on the muscles in the fingers or brain causes many injuries that can debilitate and sometimes remove a player from the game entirely. Here is a list of quick fixes and the best techniques to heal all your e-sports injuries.

6

MEDICAL WARNING: To avoid dehydration and vomiting, make sure to very clearly label which glass has lemonade and which glass has urine inside. RIP Max.

TOP Ten

Reasons a Player Was Dropped by Their Sponsor

PHOTO By Andrew deneris

“I don’t necessarily believe in a God, but I won’t rule out the existence of some higher power that controls our world,” Chuck Bert (Sims Character) explained in a follow up interview.

I’m going to try treating more of my Sim’s Whims points (not just longterm Aspiration points) to increase their overall Satisfaction. The judges always pick Sims with high Satisfaction points in both areas, and let me just say I see myself having some high satisfaction points at championships, if you get my drift.

L.K.: Different players have different attitudes towards the game. What attracted you, specifically, to The Sims, and why do you play it competitively?

C.B.: Some people say The Sims is “unrealistic,” because you can do things you can’t do in real life, like teleport or get a job related to your degree. But I think The Sims reflects our own lives, and how we can improve them. Once a Sim has a meaningful, high-paying job, oth-

ers will admire them and want to be their friends. But a Sim has to work tenaciously to get there, and that may mean sacrificing current friends and parties. It’s a hard life.

L.K.: So when you — C.B.: You see, when my opponent Tao Chen was chosen as the “winner” of the last playoffs, his Sims weren’t REALLY happy.

Sure, his Sim became mayor, and held multiple parties simultaneously in each of his houses with each of his wives, but was he REALLY fulfilled? Did anyone ask the Sim? His Sim never graduated college, he just kickstarted a big business and got elected by floating off of his parents’ money. My Sim WORKED to get a rewarding job that pertains to his degree, thank you very much. And what

is with Tao and having so many wives? Is a monogamous relationship not enough? My Sim’s wife is a good, Christian woman, with Christian kids who are honors students. My Sims are clearly more self-fulfilled.

L.K.: Such a passionate perspective on competitive Sims. Anyway, what do you do when you’re not training for the playoffs or writing Sims fanfiction?

C.B.: I have a side account where I use my coding and animation background to teach my Sims new hobbies. I’m working on teaching my newest Sim the Gangnam Style dance. Otherwise, I… I tried to call my parents recently and they didn’t pick up… but once I win the championships, they’ll see how happy and fulfilled I am!

10. “They’re alright” was not exactly the ringing endorsement Frosted Flakes wanted 9. They used up all the sport in them 8. They just won the championship, and Adidas only does the whole “underdog” thing 7. You’re a soccer mom, so your favorite player is the light of your life and also five years old 6. They refused to flirt with one of the sexy M&Ms 5. When they shotgunned a beer after winning the championship, they said “nothing like a cool Budweiser” instead of “nothing like an ice cold Budweiser” 4. The whole beard trend in baseball made the Gillette endorsement kind of irrelevant 3. The glove didn’t fit. No, really, his hands are too big for our Under Armour gloves 2. The professor wouldn’t bump their .89 batting average to a .90 1. They know you ate at Burger King instead of McDonald’s that one time

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

World • Page 9

theMQ.org

Surfers Train Amidst Pacific Earthquakes

WORLD Report: Congress Revives House UnAmerican Activities Committee to Correct Un-American Viewpoints in Sports

Risk Lives, Custom Boards

By Chris Lee Fake Lawyer On April 2nd, 2016, Congress announced that it will

revive the once-defunct House UnAmerican Activities Committee to correct the “abundance of unAmerican viewpoints present today in sports.”

The newly-instated HUAC chairman, Saul Haufman (R-WI), declared that all Americans who associate the word “football” with anything related to soccer will be investigated under the suspicion of un-American activities.

“It’s time,” said Haufman. “It’s time that when the word ‘football’ is said, the images of armored men clashing for an oblong, lopsided pigskin manifest in every God-fearing, righteous, patriotic American’s mind. Anyone who fails to relate football to football, and instead to activities such as association football, which many know as the dreaded ‘soccer,’ shall be deemed un-American.”

Haufman then went on to explain the circumstances of the issue.

“No American wants to watch eleven pansies in shorts run around for 90 minutes, only to end the game 0-0. That’s a complete waste of time! If I’m going to watch something for 90 minutes, I expect entertainment,” Haufman angrily argued. “Soccer, if you can believe it, actually prevents players from making violent, entertaining plays. How are you expected to be right in the head, if you can’t get violent when the time calls it? IT’S FUN TO WATCH PEOPLE GET

PHOTO By jacob aguirre

The earthquake survivors’ smiles quickly fell off of their faces when they realized the relief planes forgot to bring board wax as well.

By Hannah Rosenblatt The “Who” on First PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

HEAD INJURIES AND CONCUSSIONS. CAN’T WE APPRECIATE THAT?!”

After Haufman retired from the stage due to ramming his head into his desk multiple times, the HUAC’s vice chairman Edward Willard (D-FL) went into specifics.

“So, we’re thinking of bringing in maybe 80 million people for inspection, primarily individuals of Hispanic and European background. They’ll be asked some questions regarding arm usage in ‘football,’ degrees of tackling in ‘football,’ and how the players behave when an opposing player brushes against them in ‘football,’” Willard explained, pausing to wink each time “football” was said. “Though the majority of it will just consist of asking the participant how to pronounce the word ‘football.’ There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Some people might complain that, ‘Hey, doesn’t this violate the

rights of Hispanics and Europeans? What about due process?’”

Willard continues. “But you need to remember that due process originated from the Magna Carta, which is European in origin. And since Europeans colonized virtually every Latin American nation, technically we’re using their own vile, underhanded techniques against them. It’s the very definition of irony!”

Following the US’ plan to suppress all soccer-related activities, FIFA has released an official statement regarding this matter.

“We are not the UN,” FIFA President Gianni Infantino said in an interview on April 2nd.

“FIFA takes care of matters of FOOTBALL, not matters of global politics. The US has made their decision, and we have made ours: not to interfere,” Infantino explained as he adjusted his new Rolex Datejust 36 Men’s Automatic Watch and fixed his tie

on his new Armani Collezioni Suit, from which a gift tag could be seen hanging off the sleeve.

“Whatever the US decides, it’s their call. It’s tragic that millions will have their civil rights violated, and that soc- I mean football will be suppressed in the US, but as I said, it is really not our place to interfere.” Infantino was later seen leaving the interview in a Rolls Royce limousine, reportedly seated next to Rep. Haufman.

With the expulsion of fans of Un-American sports, many agree that America has found its great, exceptionally American position in the world once more.

Your federal government would like to remind you to turn on the television on February 5th, 2017, as that is the day of Super Bowl LI. It would also like to remind you that all non-cooperative individuals will be brought in for questioning. Support your government-approved sports team today.

ou in Rio!

s: See y ic p m ly O r e m m 2016 Su “At least we’re not

”

fucking Venezuela

Come for the 2016 Summer Olympics.

Stay for the deep culture and exciting attractions Brazil has to offer!

A great study-abroad destination for political science students, who can gain first-hand experience with crippling political and economic instability!

Tie-Dye your own shirt! Come dip your shirt in various bodies of water for unique tiedye stains from numerous pollutant colors!

After a recent surge of earthquakes striking around

Japan and Ecuador, competitors training for the World Surf League Championship in early May have flocked to the recently devastated shores in order to take advantage of the huge waves which one surfer could only describe by doing a series of whale calls while jumping up and down on a sand castle.

However, these last-minute practice sessions have not been all fun and games, as world-ranked surfer Sebastian “Goofy-Footed” Wilhem explained.

“Being out on the open sea, especially immediately after a tectonic plate shift causes massive shockwaves to radiate through the water, can at times be very dangerous. The sets of waves we were facing today were so intense that I actually began to fear for my life the instant before I jumped onto my custom board, and paddled to safety with ease under the watchful gaze of a lifeguard. After a long, arduous day of surfing, I think I really began to empathize with the people of Ecuador who have been enduring these dire circumstances. I thought I was going to literally pass out once I finally reached my hotel. Had it not been for the quick room service and memory foam mattress, I could have been… ” he trailed off, seemingly unable to formulate such a circumstance.

Other surfers explained their struggles of making the long journey to Ecuador in the hopes of catching the perfect wave. Several reported breaking their boards after trying to go out during high tide, without a repair or replacement shop in sight. Others said they weren’t even able to make it out past the break; they paddled against the current for hours, but ended up being pushed back to shore.

Luckily, these dedicated competitors’ cries have not gone unnoticed. Several countries, including the US, Britain, and Australia are launching a multilateral surfers’ relief program aimed at alleviat-

ing the hardships and stresses experienced by surfers, to make sure they are getting the best training they can before the championships. Peter Renaldo, the U.S. Surfing Association Spokesperson explained: “There are times when we, as agents in an international community, need to look past our own agendas and problems, to come to the immediate aid of those whose struggles surpass our own. This pact between the U.S., Britain, and Australia is a symbol to the affected surfers and the rest of the world that we will make sure no board remains unwaxed in the face of adversity.”

Australian Spokesperson Kelly Matthews, not wanting to miss out on all of the action, added, “if ever there was a time for us to pull out all stops, and surpass the precedent for multilateral relief efforts, it is now.

Those surfers are our fellow human beings, and they need to know that we are behind them, watching over them every step of the way, and they need to know it now. Not months from now. Not a week from now. Not even tomorrow after we’ve had a good night’s sleep. They need to know before the very next set of waves causes some seriously gnarly wipe-outs.”

Immediate relief efforts are already underway. Several shipments of fresh water, wax, durable wetsuits of various sizes, and Ray-Bans have been sent off early yesterday morning.

More involved relief camps and replacement board shops are scheduled to be up and running by the end of the week. Although finding the land and amenities necessary for such large-scale efforts is reportedly difficult, officials on site have reported that they will put these camps at top priority, and are more than willing to sacrifice any pre-standing infrastructure or establishments to give these surfers whatever resources they need so they can focus on the most important thing at stake here: championships.

6 p.m., THE MQ Tuesdays, Half Dome Lounge.

We shake hands with everyone after the game. Except for Clarence; he’s an ass.

Encounter the elaborate performance art piece that over half of our country is participating in. To make a statement about minimal living, these people appear to be homeless and wandering the streets!

Page 10 w Stats

theMQ.org

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

Buffalo Sabres to Implement New “Sabremetrics” System

STATS Introducing UCSD’s D1 Football Team All Brains, No Brawn

PHOTO By cole steffensen

By Christopher Jin The “I Don’t Know” on Third

PHOTO By jen windsor

By Cole Greenbaun The “What” on Second With the approach of the historic Division 1 vote at UCSD, the school has been tense with anticipation to see the outcome. That is, except for Chancellor Khosla and newly hired coach Pace Westley, who have already begun preparations for a Division 1 NCAA football team, which Khosla calls “a for sure thing, no matter what.”

“Look, this is gonna be a slam-dunk-home-run,” Khosla assured. “These students want the full college experience of seeing their fellow students shoot as many goals as they can to bring our school to victory.

And with the amount of money we can charge alumni, parents, and heck why not even students, for tickets, merchandise, and adspace, the school can finally fill that deep hole of debt caused by charging in state students half of

normal tuition.”

Khosla has already begun preparations for what he calls “Operation Win the Super Bowl” by hiring Westley, former coach of the Sportsmanship Award Winning NFL team the Tennessee Titans, who says he has a revolutionary plan to form one of the best teams in football history à la “Moneyball.”

“So I read this “Moneyball” book right?” Westley said “Well, more like I skimmed the synopsis of the movie, but I got this amazing idea. UCSD is full of math and computer guys like Jonah Hill in the movie right, so if we recruit all these math nerds onto the team, we’ll have the best team ever. It’s foolproof!”

Westley has begun drafting players onto the team, not by tryouts or previous experience, but by the highest GPA’s in the math, computer science, and physics majors. Surprisingly, many people have signed up with the promise of a ten thousand dollar scholarship

when they win the BCS championship.

“It’s actually pretty interesting,” said sophomore math major and wide receiver William Holmes. “We spent our first practice creating a computer simulation of each player to calculate our maximum efficiency on the field. With some more work, I might submit this to a research journal.”

“This isn’t just about winning the championship and proving that UCSD deserves a D1 team of such a caliber,” Westley said, “It’s also about teaching these kids through football. Heck, they’re teaching me more than I’m teaching them.

With such fresh eyes on the sport of football, these kids are thinking of some great plays. For example, one idea was brought up of adding adhesive to each receiver’s gloves to increase ball catching efficiency by 50 percent. It’s genius!”

Other ideas that have been implemented in practice, held in the Computer Science Building from

5-9 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays, include using electrolyte and steroid-infused sports drinks to increase the force one player can deliver by 43 percent, as well as reducing the air density of the ball by 34 percent to increase maximum leverage when thrown.

To test their new ideas out, the computer science and mechanical engineering majors have begun building test prototype robots to achieve exact measurements that they will then apply on the field.

According to Westley, these prototype robots have been able to catch, throw, and run the ball with 100 percent accuracy when put up against the current team.

“Don’t tell the kids yet, but if the debugging finishes in time we may just use the robots,” confided Westley. “This D1 team is going to knock your socks off. Literally. The QuarterBot 2000 can throw a ball to knock someone’s socks off from 100 yards away. It’s like we’re almost cheating!”

An Inside Look at the World of Fantasy Sport Items Betting

By Ned Morehets Trading Unknown Sport-Torn Glove, Message Me with Offers I’m one of those suckers who was drawn so enormously into daily fantasy sports, regular ol’ match-betting, and even before that, actually paying for tickets to see games in person. So it’s no surprise to me that right now, all I can think about is fantasy sport items betting.

Haven’t heard of it? You will soon. Born from the backlash against regular fantasy sports betting, fantasy sport items betting is cleverly and subtly gaining popularity, as its forebearers face scandal after scandal, and legal opposition after legal opposition.

Yet it offers the same allure: easy sign ups, accessibility from within corporate bathroom walls, and potentially huge payouts.

Fantasy sport items is an intelligent and subversive metaformation of traditional fantasy sports. There is no “money” involved — rather, players simply bet on sports matches of their liking with virtual sports clothing or accessories. Every match has odds based on how other players have bet, so betting on a team with higher odds of winning nets you less loot if they win, and vice versa. If you win, you receive your items back, plus some virtual items taken from the players who lost. Exactly how much you win depends on the odds, which are calculated by heavily guarded, proprietary algorithms. So theoretically, all I have to do to win is to do my research, figure out which team will has the best chance of winning, and always bet for my favorite underdogs.

In a press conference following the end of the NHL regular season on April 10, Buffalo Sabres head coach Dan Bylsma announced that the Sabres would begin implementing a new statistical analysis system to improve the overall performance of the team in the coming seasons. Calling this new system “sabremetrics,” Bylsma promises that the change will be revolutionary and ensure “a 100-percent increase in Stanley Cups owned by the Buffalo Sabres.”

“Personally, I was skeptical at first,” explained Bylsma. “I’ve heard of ‘sabermetrics’ but how does that work for us? It’s not like we can actually use sabers on the ice! Cross-checking someone with a sword gets you at least a threeminute penalty, and we’d rather use that time missing shots on the goal.”

After going on a monologue about the historical use of cavalry sabers in professional hockey, Bylsma then proceeded to outline some of the mechanics of their new and original, completely different ‘Sabremetrics system.’

“You see, we keep track of all the statistics that tell you how much a player is helping our team score goals,” Bylsma continued. “Stats like number of goals scored, number of assists, on-base percentage, batting average on balls in play, all of the important stuff. We then take all that and feed it into a computer and hopefully whatever comes out tells us how to play hockey better.”

Bylsma then passed the microphone to the team’s new expert on the sabermetrics system, Grant S. Lamb, who cited his personal experience as his cre-

dentials. “I learned a thing or two when I was with the Oakland A’s and I’ve used my knowledge to create this completely new way of analyzing baseba- I mean hockey, that is in no way affiliated with the A’s or the book/film Moneyball. With my system, I bet that if we can just get those sticks swinging and those pucks flying, we’ll hit this season out of the park.”

When a press reporter pointed out that the Oakland A’s are a baseball team, Lamb responded, “Eh, hockey is just baseball that Canadians play, right? You swing a stick at a small object to make it go far. You move your legs a lot to travel distances, and then afterwards, you get as drunk as possible. So really they’re practically the same game.”

When the reporter pressed Lamb further, Lamb demanded that the umpire eject the reporter, only to be surprised when he found that there was no umpire in the conference room.

Despite criticism from sports experts, the new system has many Buffalo residents hopeful for the team in the coming years. In an official press release, Buffalo mayor Buford Ello stated, “Honestly, if it nets us a Stanley Cup or two, I’ll just be glad that this city will be known for something more than just Niagara Falls, which is halfCanadian so we already barely get credit for it.”

In a non-official statement, Lamb also expressed optimism for the future of the team. “You know, in utilizing math and sports, why does Billy Beane get all the credit? I think, in a few years, you’ll hear people talking about a hockey version of using math in sports where I, Grant S. Lamb, singlehandedly turned around the struggling Buffalo Sabres. I think I’ll call it something like “Cashpuck”. Hollywood will eat that shit up.”

TOP Ten

Ways to Distract Your Opponent

PHOTO By katherine wood

Sure, Matthews wasn’t able to run at half the speed he could before donning his recent winnings, but he was always more of a passer anyways.

The 2000 dollars I’ve lost will be so easily made back from just one winning underdog bet, and the next time I bet statistically has to be a winning one.

The largest and only player right now in this revving industry is DraftLounge, which pretty much invented, engineered, and implemented the whole concept in 2012.

DraftLounge creates all the virtual items, which they pack into virtual boxes and subsequently sell for flat fees. Players buy these boxes for items as “capital” to bet with, which range anywhere from alternate jerseys to comical footwear to cross necklaces. DraftLounge lets you simulate the apparel on sports players of your choosing (also to be found in item boxes), so it’s essen-

tially a massive game of dress-up.

This concept has already brought upon its fair share of criticism, and yet participants, myself included, gobble it up like gold.

In an inexplicable example of DraftLounge’s weird system, I seem to never get hockey sticks in their boxes, which mysteriously only makes me want them more.

I’m not sure if anybody else experiences this phenomenon, but all I want is for Stephen Curry to carry that white and gold hockey stick featuring a dragon’s fiery breath into his next game. Even more perplexing is how the value of this “Dragon Lick” hockey stick seems to keep increasing on DraftLounge’s built-in online trading marketplace as the fire gets

more faded! These unpredictable skews in item values mean that a player can never really tell what an item’s value is, which is why I bought user Rick342’s self-named “Slick Rick’s Dragon Lick” hockey stick for a mere 1500 dollars.

And there are so many of these intricate backstories and weird legends to these virtual items that I couldn’t possibly go through all of them. I can’t express the thrill I get as I watch a seemingly onesided basketball game, knowing that I’ve got my mildly dented 1989 vintage Joe Montana helmet placed on the 10 percent odds for the Nets, knowing that when I win, I can finally complete my clown volleyball collection, and that I’ll go to bed a champion.

10. With a sultry voice and a lot of skin 9. By setting a good example of sportsmanship and integrity 8. “Pick a card, any card” 7. Narrate every single physical action they do, as they do it 6. Purposefully break a rule so that they don’t notice the other one you’re breaking 5. “I bet my cat can beat up your cat” 4. Throw oil and tire spikes out from behind you 3. Ask them to count how many times the players in red pass the ball between each other while a gorilla runs across the field 2. Keep them completely focused on you. You are the distraction 1. “HEY!”

SPORTS MQed • May 2016

Letters to the Editor w Page 11

theMQ.org

I want to clarify something I said that was labeled “sexist” in an earlier issue. When I said, “women, long considered the more civilized sex, [shouldn’t] feel the need to join us louts in our crass ways [of martial art],” I meant “civilized” in that women are more delicate and proper than men. Women are civilized enough to care for children and make sandwiches, and shouldn’t lower themselves by learning to fight, as us uncivilized men do.

If women learn martial arts and start going berserk, they would bash their way through the kitchen, and join our barbaric ways of recreational exercise. The civilized world would fall apart and we’d all be fighting for equal pay in the streets.

Your reporters also said that my statement “If women are into mixed martial arts today, what’ll be their male-like misbehavior tomorrow?” was implicitly sexist. I wasn’t assigning gender roles there. Males aren’t the only ones who misbehave. Women misbehave too — like the women who learn martial arts to rip through all the clothes they just mended.

You see? I really am a reasonable guy. Your reporters are probably typical feminists who are reading too far into things … but I’ll forgive them if they give me their numbers.

they aren’t protecting anything important.

While I agree that the various appendages of the women are important and should be cherished (some more than others), the solution does not lie in adding to their clothing. Instead, if the safety of the players is really a concern to the league, I believe that eliminating the football component entirely would increase the ladies’ safety tenfold. Without all of their adorable attempts at running and catching like the real football players do, they would be able to do what is natural to them: standing still and letting me look at them.

Bud Poliquin, Syracuse, New York

Not Adam “Pacman” Jones, Not Cincinnatti, Not Ohio

The Rams' move to Los Angeles has already received a lot of coverage. But so far the sports media have failed to recognize the significant cosmic implications of it.

Before the Ram's move, the NFC West division of the NFL consisted of three teams on or near the west coast (Seattle, San Francisco and Arizona), but the Rams, in St. Louis, represented an anomaly.

This move, however, puts the NFC West squarely in the western part of the country.

When I noticed this, I had a shattering revelation that I feel I must share. You see, I study the universe, and am all too familiar with the second law of thermodynamics, which states that chaos must always increase. For years I've searched for a way to reverse this process, and now I think I've found the answer in the NFL. The league is already very harmoniously arranged; there are 32 teams divided into 2 conferences with 4 divisions each. If each division's alignment is geographically harmonized, like the NFC West is now, we will succeed in reversing chaos in the league, and therefore, the universe.

I therefore call on the NFL to immediately switch the Cowboys with the Panthers, switch the Colts with the Ravens and the Ravens with the Dolphins, and move the Chiefs to Las Vegas. Only then will the NFL be able reverse the chaos in the universe.

I strongly object to the opinion piece published in your last issue suggesting that the women in the Lingerie Football League “would be safer with more padding.” The author’s idea to “increase the length of the players’ shoulder pad by one inch” is absolutely ridiculous, and dare I say, stupid. Additionally, the implementation of sturdier helmets would be costly and pointless, as

I was very excited after seeing the your article, “Broncos Smoke Super Bowl” in what I assume was a recent issue. As someone who has been buzzed through a wide variety of sports games, it felt as though the Broncos were figuratively reaching through the literal haze surrounding your magazine to support me. I was so excited, in fact, that I wrote up a lengthy letter to your magazine singing my praises for the team.

So I’d assume you can imagine how disappointed I was to discover, once my cannabis induced haze was dissipated by the box fan of time, that the article was not, in fact, about the Broncos sending me a smoke signal of hope for legalization. I was also understandably horrified to discover that my impassioned letter was actually just “This is the bes-” elongated over half a page and, presumably, meant to say “This is the best.” I hope you can understand what this means.

Left High And Dry, Somewhere in Colorado Wow. Loved that article about Michael Jordan’s season in baseball and his surprising, short return to basketball in the middle of the season. The fact that Michael Jordan would return to basketball for one game just to stop the enslavement of cute cartoon animals really shows how honorable he is and how his legacy will never be tarnished. The damning section of the article on the rampant amount of cheating and rule breaking in game was excellent. The fact that those aliens were not only allowed to use P.E.D’s in the form of the life-juices of famous NBA players but allowed to maim, burn, step on, and hospitalize the Tune Squad is absolutely absurd.

What was the ref thinking?! Thank god for MVP Michael Jordan and the last minute inclusion of Bill Murray or that game would have been an embarrassment for everyone involved. In the end, I may have smoked a bowl when reading this article, or maybe it was the back of a DVD? Anyway good job.

Diane Stevens, Las Vegas, Nevada

Wayne Prince, Pennington, New Jersey Last month you published the story “Young players are the future of the NBA”, with many stats correlating points, assists, and rebounds per game with young age. But I did the math, and you all missed quite a few things, let me tell you.

Aggregating the statistics you presented, three season’s worth of data about scoring, passing, offense, and defense1 I found that your conclusion of “basketball is a young man’s game” was only supported with an R value of 0.28. Pretty weak I’d say.

There are better correlates to examine. For example, I took your dataset and extracted from it all players with prime jersey numbers (n=21). On average, a player with a prime numbered jersey scores 12.6 more points per game, and collects 3.2 more rebounds (refer to fig.2) Furthermore, an ANOVA test on players returning from a left knee injury playing on the road after back to back losses by their child’s youth soccer game (n=2) shows a strong positive correlation2 between field goal percentages and hoop circumference.

This all being said, the statistical analysis suggests to us that basketball is not a game for the young, but rather for the previously knee injured, prime jersey numbered. Namely the Warriors’ Festus Ezeli. There’s no need to thank me.

I loved your article “From Field to Film” describing how the 1995 NFL season was adapted into a major motion picture “Invincible” but I was left confused afterwards.

Why did they choose to include Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela opposite Matt Wahlberg, as it followed his underdog story to joining the Philadelphia Eagles? I understand Mandela’s historical significance, but I just don’t know why he was on the coaching staff of the Eagles in the film, and all the racial undertones throughout the film? I mean Mark Damon did a great job, believe me, but why they were playing the Dallas Cowboys in South Africa in a game of rugby? Overall I’m just confused and would like some more clarification about this film “Invictus”. Thanks.

Andy Kelly, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Wake up, citizens! There is only one game that matters, and in the Game of Thrones, you win or you die.

The Starks have been left for dead. The Lannisters are a clan of inbred sadists. A red priestess burns children at the stake. The Boltons dominate the North. White Walkers are marching on the Wall. Separation of church and state is being drastically infringed upon. A tyrant queen amasses a horde in the east — with dragons! And the one true heir to the throne lies face-down in the ground beyond Winterfell.

Yet, all that this petty tome tells of is the latest games and tourneys, neglecting the major issues of the realm.

If sport is the only thing that matters to this kingdom, then we are no better than the Wildlings.

Michele Roberts, University of Texas Math Department Graduate Student Office 2407 1. n=45 2. R value 0.88

I am absolutely shocked and disgusted by your most recent swimsuit edition’s flagrant use of Photoshop to alter the body proportions of its models. While I have always considered the Sports MQed to be a progressive publication for their inclusion of grossly overlooked equestrian sports, the obvious adjustments made to slim the underbelly of Delilah the Racehorse have caused me to reevaluate these beliefs. Body image is a serious issue in the equine community. Horses everywhere have begun to adopt extreme diets — including the controversial yet widely popular leaf-only regimen in which one only eats the leaf of the carrot — in order to cater to society’s expectations of ideal horse anatomy. However, the truth is that not all horses are built as handsomely slim and athletic as the majestic Shadowfax in the Lord of the Rings films, and as such I feel that measures to include proper representation of all horse body sizes be taken seriously. On behalf of Delilah and horses everywhere, I strongly advise against thisparticular use of Photoshop in your publications.

Jamie Mustang, Virginia Beach, Virginia

— M4nnis L0v3r, Storm’s End Last issue, in your article “Badminton: Sweeping the Nation by Storm,” the majestic shuttlecock was misrepresented and called a birdie. To call the shuttlecock a birdie is a disgrace to the great sport of badminton. I am tired of lame stream sports media making badminton a backup sport.

The ferocious shuttlecock is the fastest moving projectile of any sport. By the time it would take a baseball pitch to smash your teeth in, a twirling shuttlecock would have already left a slight red mark on your face three times over. And as everyone knows speed is the most important part of a shuttlecock.

I ask in the future when talking of the grand shuttlecock you use the correct terminology. A birdie is the affection name a creepy bird fanatic gives his flock, not the name designating the tremendous shuttlecock. Next time try and do some basic research on the sport you are writing an article on.

Steve Coq, Sacramento, California

Biggest Sports Cheating Scandal

The best part of cheating is not when it brings a team or player to victory thr means, but instead when everyone gets angry and pissed off afterwards abo us anything, it’s that there’s nothing like a good scandal to get the public in a other social injustice. These are some of the biggest sports cheating scanda

1994

Cheating is to sports as Peyton Manning is to pizza: meant to be together, forever. In 2016, we take cheating for granted as something new and different, when in actuality cheating has been a staple of every sport for centuries. Ever since man created a ball to throw, there was always someone else there to punch him in the gut before he could.

Today we look at cheating through history, its progression to perfection, and what is to come next.

1915:

The Great Fake Christmas Truce Amidst the bloodshed of World War I, soldiers on both sides agreed to an infamous cease fire to partake in a universal favorite pastime: a friendly game of soccer. At the beginning of the second half of a game of Britain v. Germany, a German midfielder slide-tackled an already-crippled British defender.

The defender, overcome with rage and anguish, took out a loaded pistol and shot the German mid in the lower-left abdomen. The German player bled out after 30 minutes, leaving the Germans forced to finish with a player short. The British defender was given a yellow card and took a 10 minute time out.

1850 1850

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Still an event that remains shrouded in controversy, the Triwizard Tournament was the setting of the largest cheating scandals ever. At the beginning of the tournament, Hogwarts school defied the rules by having two champions.

The rest of the tournament was wrought with each champion receiving outside help from various mentors. After both of Hogwart’s champions finally reached the trophy, one champion overtaken with jealousy, killed the other in order to bring home the trophy. This was not questioned for many years, as most people believed the winner was chosen for something important.

1900

1950 1940

s

Aquarian Equestrian Polo In the 1850s, water polo was invented as an offshoot of polo, in an effort to win over not only those fans who enjoyed horses but also disliked the outdoors. After it was discovered that horses lack the ability to stay afloat while carrying a rider, many riders would cheat by waiting for their horse to sink to the bottom of the pool and then stand on top of it, affording them greater mobility and giving them an advantage by not having to wear themselves out treading water. Eventually the horses were gotten rid of all together, giving us the sport of water polo we have today.

:

The Triwizard Tournament Disgrace

s

Who Needs Pigeon’s When Y Have Hands?

1920

s

Stealing in Baseball The Roaring Twenties were in full swing in Chicago, bringing with it a carefree, whimsical spirit, as well as the golden age of organized crime and a revival of Chicago’s iconic corrupt police force. In the spirit of the times, Chicago baseball players would often invite police officers to watch for petty crime at baseball games, such as theft. Countless visiting players would be apprehended and arrested for attempting to steal bases from the home team. Though the police officers were widely praised at the time for performing their civic duty, their actions were later found to be in serious violation of numerous baseball and legal codes.

The evolution of internal team comm nication was a long and ingenious on For a while, communication was limit to sending carrier pigeons back an forth from team to staff, with a penal incurred for any verbal communicati A large breakthrough in the 1940s fore changed the game of this communic tion when a football team developed complex, secret array of hand signals, cumventing the rules of pigeon-sendi but also still being non-verbal. The us hand signals spread until every team doing them, changing the sport forev

Cheating Techniques Throughout History

Looking back on history, we tend to don a pair of rose colored glasses, when in reality most of history is riddled with deceit and villainy. In sports, it People of every time would use what resources they had to get ahead and win the most meaningful thing in the world to them: a competition. Follow history and learn about how your ancestors cheated their way to the top, and how they changed the sports in doing so.

ls

Cheating in the Modern Day And Age

rough illegal or immoral out it. If history has shown an uproar bigger than any als in history.

1998

2006

:

"Something Up My eve”” Super Bowl

With today’s futuristic science and technology, cheating has been taken to new heights. Staying just beyond the curve of sports officials, players are finding new, innovative ways to cheat everyday. Here are just some of the creative ways your athlete role models are using to win your affection.

:

The Feline Fiasco of the Mud Wrestling Championships

he Broncos clinched their d Super Bowl win with a 31-24 point win. It was not ear later when it was found ohn Elway had been hiding ootballs up his sleeves the game. After every missed tion, Elway would pull out are ball and pretend as if never thrown it, giving the s another chance to gain was revealed in a uproariss conference from a staff er who was given balls to Elway’s jersey being told This one’s for John.”

This scandal rocked the world of U.S. female mud wrestling when in 2006, Bagheera Kipling, previous Mud Wrestling Championship contestant who pounced on a runner up win in 2004, landed on her feet in an astounding two minute-round win. Her opponent left the mud with a total of 13 broken bones and seven lacerations. It wasn’t till Kipling was slinking onto the winner’s podium and was wiping off/licking off the mud when her tail was seen, and it was revealed that she had actually substituted a panther in her place. She was given a 12-day suspension and a demotion to second place.

The panther remains missing to this day.

Jet Propulsion Sphere Although it appears to be a normal soccer ball at first glance, this is actually a cutting-edge omnidirectional propulsion sphere designed by a rogue splinter branch of former FIFA and NASA officials. Rocket jets discretely emerge from the hexagons, allowing the “soccer ball” to propel itself in any direction it sees fit.

Hope Doping The Linda Tercero High School varsity basketball team was recently disqualified from the Minnesota Nationals Tournament after illegal possession of copious amounts of hope and positivity. The team, cited as using this illicit strategy to perform almost superhuman feats at the end of the fourth quarter, an unfair advantage.

The Wallus Picteresqueus

2000

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Marathoners have taken a loony approach to cheating their way through a race, by painting fake tunnels on brick walls causing their opponents to run straight into the walls. These cheaters will then jump in the air and make a ‘meep meep’ sound, as they then run through the tunnel.

Stability-Increasing Side Mechanisms The Tour de France last year saw the widespread illegal modification of bikes, with “stability-enhancing mechanisms.” Taking the form of two smaller wheels attached to the back wheel axle, these mechanisms double the RPM of the bicycle. Those found guilty of using these mechanisms have pointed out how they are encouraged, in junior cycling.

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1960

The Sneaky Steel Chair Slamdown s

NBA Spousal Privilege During the 1969-1970 NBA Finals series, the New York Knicks found a way to hold back Wilt Chamberlain and the LA Lakers to take the title in the seventh game.

Inspired by the Stonewall Riots a couple months earlier, the Knicks' starting five all married each other in order to invoke spousal privilege on the court. When in the third quarter of game five Dave DeBusschere was called for a travel, he argued that he cannot take the penalty, as his legal husband Walt Frazier had been called for the same foul earlier in the game. It was only after they won the Larry O'Brien trophy that the NBA changed its rules against intra-team polygamy.

Requiring nothing less than the utmost level of stealth and agility, this cheating technique is slowly being perfected by top WWE fighters. The method passed under the radar for a number of years, as fighters would silently and effortlessly hurl metal chairs at their opponents the instant the referee’s back was turned so that no one was the wiser.

The MerProject After realizing that the same molecules found in fish are decomposed by humans and then recomposed to make their own bodily tissues, a small team of scientists have been developing a strictly scheduled diet that should give swimmers the attributes of different marine organisms. The scientists hope to help swimmers develop more fishlike bodies, and improve their ability to survive for extended amounts of time underwater.

You don’t score any goals without playing with some grass first

Medals for the Losers: They’ll love it just as long as you tell them they’ll love it