THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” — Tina Fey
Boldly going where all satire has gone before
June 1, 2016
New Study Finds 12 Percent of Millennials
By Barak Tzori and Hannah Lykins
Managing Editor and Social Editor
Greenhouse destroyed, global warming ended
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new study shows uncharted depths of Sio
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prison to be modeled after uc campus time travel invented, future as lame as present
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News in Brief PHOTO By barak tzori
In her search, the researcher knew some millennials were behind her but as with most millennialrelated issues, she, like everyone else, decided to look the other way. an effort to attract the attention of their fellow youths. Six percent of millennials were located in neighborhood Starbucks, yelling at patrons about corporate America’s dismantling of the middle class
and attempting to teaching the baristas how to make “proper” sugar-free latte art. Another four percent were spotted buying gluten-free bread at PCC Natural Market, a local organic grocery store. And two percent
were finally found browsing the 19th century American poetry section in paper-free independent bookstores.
See study, page 2
Therapy Fluffies Wait Time Over Four Weeks By Evvan Burke
Copy Editor tudents at UCSD who depend on university resources like therapy dogs for their stress relief are no strangers to long lines and disappointing sessions, but many students have been forced to take a long walk as wait times for first time petters have reached nearly a month. Lines of students interested in getting a chance to interact with the dogs have circled Price Center, with tents and barbeques set up to sustain students until they are able to receive mental health assistance. The long wait times have been attributed to financial and bureaucratic reasons, as the therapy dog program, known as “Therapy Fluffies,” struggles to deal with a growing student population, and an understaffed kennel — the ratio of students to fully trained therapy dogs, or “puppies,” is now well over 1550:1. This explanation, however, is little comfort for the students who have been waiting in line for, in dog years, seven months. Jordan Maclean, who has been camping near Croutons since the last Therapy Fluffies event, gave a statement about their reason for waiting in line. “Last night at Geisel, I saw hundreds of other stressedout, sleep-deprived students, who have no intention of going home tonight, desperately trying to push the thought of failure out of their minds, and eating vending machine Advil like it was Skittles. So I left Geisel and came here. At least now I can have a tent. And there might be a dog at the end.” However, long wait times
In This issue
safe and sober sun god
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op sociology researchers at Cornish College for the Arts in Seattle released a study earlier in the week finding approximately 12 percent of millennials in the greater Seattle area. Hailed as a breakthrough in the field, the study seeks to shed light on the historically elusive population, and aims to find another five percent by the end of next year. “We here at Cornish are interested to see where millennials congregate, what they do with their free time, and why they haven’t used their literature degrees to buy a house yet,” said Michael Egeck, lead researcher of the study and Professor of Sociology with a focus on Evolutionary Specialization in App Curation at Cornish College. Graduate research assistants tasked to find the millennials purchased Doc Martens and Wayfarers in order to blend in. They then scoured the streets of the greater Seattle area, shouting “Marco” inside populated businesses in
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UCSD Graduate Eager to Feel Overqualified In Retail After four years, graduate Taylor Urke is excited to follow the logical conclusion of their decisions and enter the job market as an hourly retail worker. “It feels like yesterday that I was trolleying my suitcases into my dorm and finding the only available bunk in my triple to be the corner bottom one with a radiator under the pillow. And here I am four years later, still settling.” “I mean, it was exciting to learn about my field, but after complaining about people in my classes for years, it only recently occurred to me that these would be my
future coworkers.” Despite having sown the seeds of their own destruction, Urke has dedicated themselves to maintaining an optimistic facade by repeating the phrase “I strongly believe I could make a career here” in the mirror and calculating how much one makes monthly on minimum wage. “It’ll be fine,” Urke said, pacing in front of the Career Services Center. “Meanwhile, I think I’ll fill out some grad school applications, so I can continue pretending this is just a stepping stone.”
NFL Players to Undergo Pre-Draft Jiggle Test
PHOTO By Lawrence Lee
The troubled student wasn’t sure why arranging stuffed dogs in a circle around her was supposed to help, but she was willing to try anything at this point. are not the only complaint students voiced about the program. The UC Student Association recently gave the Therapy Fluffies a C+ grade, calling it “Cuddly but Crummy.” Furthermore, those who have managed to meet with a therapy dog, like third year student Brianna McDade, have mentioned feeling abandoned after they reached their maximum number of sessions and were referred to other dogs in Hillcrest and La Jolla Village Square. “I just started developing a relationship with a dog I really like. He looks at me when I call him and his fur is so soft and I started calling him Rufus because he makes a little ‘ruff’ noise and I don’t want to have to start all over again with some new dog,” Brianna explained,
tightly clinging to a labrador while hurriedly rushing through the UCSD bookstore. The blame for these deficiencies cannot squarely be placed upon the overburdened Fluffies department, however. With no funding to adopt and train new service dogs, the current staff are often overworked and stressed, which affects their performance and hair volume, in serious ways. A representative from UCSD addressed student concerns about the program on Thursday, speaking directly to students by issuing a press release on their private Facebook page: “We understand and sympathize with your concerns about the Therapy Fluffies program, and are working hard to consider the prospect
of examining the possibilities of adopting a new dog over the coming years to solve these issues. In the meanwhile, we encourage students unable to meet with a therapy dog to try alternative stress relieving methods, like petting each other, or petting yourself, or petting a plant!” The press release concluded that, “on the bright side, all these tents have given us some great ideas for housing solutions.” At press time, the staff of CAPS had been seen joining students in line. Kenneth Martin, a full-time counselor, told reporters that they were “just really nervous about being overwhelmed with work in the upcoming finals week,” as they drew smiley faces on Post-It notes as a means of affirmation.
Man, if this house burns down...
Local man is grower, not shower
We’re toast.
Wants to know “What’s happening, gourdgeous?”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle like Jell-O on the San Andreas Fault.” Goodell stated he got inspiration for the rule from cheerleaders’ auditions. “Like cheerleaders, the main appeal of watching football players comes from their attractiveness. That’s why when our running backs are making their way down the field, we want to see every glistening pore moving in waves. When our defensive ends sack the quarterback, I want to see the collision all
the way to their toes.” NFL COO Tod Leiweke expressed support for the new regulations, commenting that “there really are no other problems we should address right now. The NFL has zero glaring, fundamental issues to solve. Honestly, it’s been a slow year for us. Frankly, I’m bored.” If audiences approve of the new regulations, the Commission will adopt more cheerleader-inspired policies. Goodell stated, “Studies of cheerleaders’ behaviors revealed that getting paid less than minimum wage is a great motivator. Hopefully, we can implement that strategy with real athletes too.”
Local Band Pretty Sure Minute 11 of The Solo Is When It Gets Really Good Local band Flandering Ferret took the stage at Panderer’s Pub in Midtown at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, performing their instrumental single “Cherry Pickers.” The San Diego-based three-piece grunge rock group played a 30-minute set as openers for local band Spittakers. They began with five minutes of melodic tuning and improvised warmup solos and proceeded to launch into the beginning of “Cherry Pickers,” their 25-minute magnum opus. Following the song intro, they transitioned into an entirely instrumental verses and interspersed choruses, which the band called a
“contemporary twist on the verse-chorus structure that plagues modern music.” Eight minutes into his solo, the guitarist noticed the audience losing interest, unable to grasp the masterpiece’s overwhelming musicality. He stopped shredding to reassure their audience that “we’re about to hit the best part solo — just wait.” After his solo, the band ended their performance with the culmination of a bass solo, and then a second guitar solo, and then a third guitar solo immediately after the second one.
See BRIEFS, page 11