The MQ Volume 23 Issue 2 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

If presidents can’t do it to their wives, they do it to their country. — Rodrigo Duterte, President of the Philippines

Proud owner of four Electoral votes

October 26, 2016

Man Wakes from Worst Nightmare into Second Worst

Volume XXIII Issue II

In This issue trump apologizes, again

history says it’s tired of repeating itself

ghostmopolitan

6,7

turnitin: not plagiarism if 26 words or fewer stevie wonder lands plane on hudson river

9 10

News in Brief At Least Eight Men Reported Dad in a Horrific 16-Person Accident PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

“At least in this nightmare I’m wearing pants. When this happened in real life, it was completely embarrassing,” said Zhou. By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor

rea man Zachary Zhou found himself in a cold sweat late Saturday night as he suddenly awakened from what he described as his “absolute worst nightmare.” After ascertaining his surroundings, Zhou breathed a sigh of relief

as he realized that he had escaped from his worst nightmare into “only his secondworst nightmare.” “First thing I did was check the fridge. You always check the fridge first,” said Zhou. “And there was only ketchup and white bread, that’s a good sign. Then I checked my wallet, and thankfully my driver’s license

and credit card were still missing. Phew! And then I checked all the drawers and cabinets where my girlfriend keeps her stuff. Yep, still empty. Good.” According to Zhou, terrible nightmares happen from time to time, but this one happened to be the worst one yet. Zhou expressed newfound hope that this would cause

his nightmares to continue to worsen, and thus begin to make his waking life “sunshine and rainbows in comparison.” “You probably can’t imagine how happy I was that the presidential race is still Clinton vs. Trump!” said Zhou. “But

See nIGHTMARE, page 2

Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her By Jonathan Chiu

biography of Keith Richards. “I immediately went to the first person I saw,” said EMT Dylan Biggs. “When I said ‘Hi, I’m here to help,’ the man, looking at me with defeated eyes, replied ‘Hi here to help, I’m Dad’ before falling unconscious. That’s when I knew it was serious.” Members of the community are banding together to have a memorial service for the men, led by Pappy Ollson who has offered to host it in his basement, known as “The Man Cave.” The memorial will have refreshments, candles engraved with names of the men, and “The Big Game on a 55 inch flat screen” for anyone who wants to honor the fallen.

Grandfather Recalls When Gum Was Cheaper, Is Put in A Home

Staff Writer

fter walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her owner to put down his phone and give her a good scratch behind the ears. “I just want him to treat me the way he treats his phone,” says Pawrence. “Last night he stayed up til 4 a.m. ‘liking’ cat videos and didn’t understand why I would be jealous.” Over the years, many dogs have found themselves in a situation similar to Pawrence’s. Recent surveys show that in only 10 years the average number of walks each dog gets per year has fallen from around 180 to 200 in 2006 to three to nine times in 2016, depending on the number of days when “the power is out, so I guess I’ll go outside?” When asked if they felt the same about their owners, a majority of the other dogs at the park responded with a depressed look so as to say yes. However, many of them were basset hounds, so it was difficult to determine if they were truly sad or suffered from “resting sad face.” “It only took half a week for my owner to start ignoring me,” reported 10-month-old pitbull Brad Pittbull. “I mean, he couldn’t even come up with a better name? I HATED Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Where was

In a horrible turn of events, an accident Saturday night claimed the lives of at least eight men. Witnesses report the accident was the cause of multiple drunk people refusing to take safety precautions, resulting in a dad toll totalling eight. “It was horrifying, there were socks and sandals everywhere,” said victim Pat T. Rark. “If I wasn’t so scared, I’d say the level of destruction was a mere ‘feet of God.’” Rark then winked at the reporter and returned to shuddering in the fetal position. Then emergency services arrived, and provided every victim with a warm blanket, high waisted jeans, and a

PHOTO By matthew mcmahon

Jennifer Pawrence was praying this outfit would garner her owner’s attention, because her next outfit was a Galaxy Note 7 and there’s no coming back from that. the character development? Where was the resolution!?” “I remember when Bobby adopted me,” recalls threeyear-old Bark Obama. “It was the happiest week of my life. He took pictures of the two of us everywhere: on the couch, in the park, at the movies. Then a few days later he started posting them online and using them for his profile pics on Tinder. Now there are pictures of me everywhere on the internet. It’s disgusting.” However, data suggests this behavior is not an increasing trend among all pet own-

ers, but only those who use laptops, TVs, cellular devices, clocks, AM radios, or who otherwise have access to the World Wide Web. “MY owner never leaves my side,” proudly proclaims eightyear-old guide dog Paw Rudd. When asked for a comment on what keeps the relationship between owner and dog so strong, Rudd’s owner Jebediah Oldenbacher could not give an answer on account of being dead and unable to leave his bed without Rudd dragging him by the ankles with his fangs. The American Depart-

ment for Helping Dogs (ADHD) was consulted for any suggestions they could give to dogs who want a little more attention from their owners, but they were too busy playing with their new iPhone 7s to respond. Pawrence was last heard making a bold statement to the other dogs at the park. “You know what, bitches? If something doesn’t change by next week, then I’m running away. Right after I piss all over his sheets. At the end of the day, I’m a talking dog and it’s like, what more do I have to do?”

The girl asked, “Got Milk?”

“Mom, this is why I’m running away”

The cow asked, “Got Hep A?”

“I asked for Baja Blast”

Karl Tunberg was just wondering when his grandchildren last visited when he received a call from his daughter, informing him that he would be packing his bags and moving to the Costa Serena Mature Living facility. Tunberg, who lost three buddies in Vietnam and can still remember Finley’s warm, red neck as he tried to stop the bleeding and watched his eyes close for the final time, was assured he would be provided with every amenity necessary for a comfortable end of life. Three full meals a day lie in Tunburg’s future; who in his past went back to col-

lege after the war to fulfill his dream of becoming a chemical engineer only to drop out in his fourth year to raise a family. The two children Tunberg raised by himself after Sylvia left in July of ’86 made it clear multiple times that the move would be a new start. They gifted him three empty photo frames on his way out. At press time, Tunberg’s youngest grandchild became the first relative of his to visit. She brought a notebook and a pencil, and the two of them spent the afternoon beginning work on Karl Tunberg’s memoir: “How Do I Know If My Children are Happy?”

Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick” New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, along with the $30,000 you foolishly stole from his criminal organization. He is thoroughly concerned with your well-being and hopes that you have not experienced any significant duress from your unwarranted and quite hurtful robbery of his enterprises. The reports confirm Barenstork’s knowledge that you wanted to run away with the money and Jenny, daughter of Julius “The Jaguar” Jacobs, the second major mob boss. He also knows that the revelation of such

a sordid tryst would have been the ultimate betrayal to both mobs. Its public revelation would probably have spelled the deaths of either one or both of you, had you stayed in the area. Barenstork only wishes that you had come to him first, as he could have protected you from inevitable backlash. He hopes for your safe return home with his goddamn money and will limit the torture you receive to a mere three months chained in the diner basement and maximum removal of three fingers or toes (most likely toes).

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

October 26, 2016

Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard

“Goddamnit, all I wanted was to have one lunch break in peace,” said the lab technician. By Kavita Poduri

Staff Writer fter years of intense research, a newlypublished lesbiansponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls to the yard, while still being better than yours.” Research began on this topic in 2003, when Ellen T. Quinn first heard the lead single “Milkshake” by artist Kelis. While tempted by the offer to receive a milkshake education from the singer, Quinn found herself disappointed by the skill’s only apparent utility of attracting boys, and assembled a coalition of lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual women with the goal of developing an affordable milkshake recipe which might

better serve their needs. The multidisciplinary team which finally developed the formula was drawn from this community, and includes academics, scientists, and researchers from a wide array of fields, including chemistry, nutritional science, sociology, and even literature and poetry. When asked for commentary on the surprisingly varied nature of the researchers, team leader Dr. Sydney Benson replied that the development of the recipe required such vast breadth of knowledge. “We didn’t think the poets would help much either,” Dr. Benson admitted. “But the bit with the ground-up poems of Sappho — pure genius. None of our chemists would ever have come up with that.”

Quinn, who became the effective spokeswoman for the group after helping to assemble it, says she is extremely proud of the team, and has high hopes for the potential of the milkshake to address many of the problems faced by teenage members of the community. “We really do think this can help fill a niche our society’s been missing for a long while now,” said Quinn. “Gay bars are fantastic, but they’re not accessible to anybody under the age of 21, so for much of their youth, teenagers really only have access to small high school GSAs at best.” Quinn and the group hope that the recipe will help teenage queer girls to meet each other and develop bonds outside the ofteninsufficient GSA groups by

continued from page 1:

Nightmare

when you’ve seen the things I’ve seen, it makes all of this look like some flowery pipe dream, kind of like Bernie’s campaign. Incidentally, my third-worst nightmare involved me falling into a drainage pipe at a Bernie rally.” When asked for more detail on what made his nightmare so life-changingly horrific, Zhou was reluctant to share, as according to him the experience was “extrasensory” and “transcended language,” so Zhou instead decided to express his experience through interpretative dance. Local blogger and self-proclaimed psychoanalyst Frieda Sigmonde claimed to have deciphered Zhou’s choreography and presented her analysis on her blog “I Dreamed a Dream, And In That Dream I Was Banging My Dad.” “So, as you can see here — no, here, come on, you stupid rectangular metal dick,” said Sigmonde, struggling to pause the video playback on the right frame on her smartphone. “OK, here it is,” said Sigmonde. “So, you can see him posing his arms to the side like this, right? And his head is tilted 47 percent to the right? And his right foot is slightly raised two inches off the ground? Now, according to my dream handbook, I’m pretty sure that represents a longing for some-

thing. Like, two inches more on his dick or something, I think. And the 47 percent to the right? Obviously a subconscious signal for Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney is Mormon, and you know how Mormons have like a ton of kids, right? So that means Mitt Romney is a symbol. Of having a lot of sex. And his arms hanging out to the side like that? I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, it looks like a dick. So therefore, I can conclude that his dream is about sexing up his mom.” Upon receiving word of Sigmonde’s interpretation, Zhou grew agitated at her misinterpretation. “Alright, so first of all, my mom’s dead, so don’t project that necrophiliac shit on me,” Zhou yelled, though at no one in particular as Sigmonde was not in the same room. Zhou then calmed himself and continued. “I think all I need to say is that nightmare made me thankful that we have things as good as they are, you know? The coral reefs didn’t come back as zombies after we killed them all off, Duterte killing all those people in the Philippines didn’t awaken the Blood God, and you know, I kind of like the sound of President Trump or even President Clinton over Emperor Trumplinton.”

PHOTO By connor gorry

utilizing their local yards. Researchers have also discovered that the formula pays off in unexpected ways. Dr. Alison Wolfe noted that even the idea of a milkshake recipe which attracts women could itself attract women who were eager to find dates, in what she described as “a kind of meta-milkshake, which attracts women that attract women.” “Honestly,” she continued, “saying that they’re working on this recipe has gotten dates for more than a few of my colleagues.” Dr. Wolfe and several other members of the team are now offering conduct lessons for women interested in learning the recipe. “Seriously,” she said. “I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”

Now, tell Safari Dad what happened at school today. Don’t be afraid.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen

Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Colin Bellotti Tom Brailey Sarah Cain Climent Chang Kenny Cheng Daniel Chit Jonathan Chiu Sage Cristal Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz David Ding

Oh God, it’s like the satire is coming right at us.

Chris Doherty Amin Fozi Jonathan Funes Ryan Gershenovitz Leo Grabowski Jackie Guo Sarah Hernher Samprith Kalakata Chris Lee Sequoia Lim Nadia Link

Nick Martin Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy Annie Nguyen Andrew Nguyen Alex Noftsier Yash Pande

Kavita Poduri Vida Sadeghi Akbar Sardar Angelica Sun Luke Tribble Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. More and more MQ issues are becoming true group projects. This one is no exception. With more than half of the articles coming from new members and graphics and production efforts popping up from every corner, you can find a piece of everyone in this paper. I would like to extend my sincerest thanks to every single person who showed up, because you all really did show up. With the second half of this, I’d like to praise every editor who came into The MQ my year. One by one, issue by issue. First on the docket is Jacob. I’ve worked side by side with Jacob for over a year. Often backing me where I’m weak and offering opinions where I lack decisions, Jacob has been a bright inspiration for what the paper should and does embody. Jacob once told me he thought I was competent, and I think about that moment a lot. Never change anything – except your hair.

Booster Club First and foremost, a big thank you to all the Muir families who didn’t eat the food provided to them – we feasted on the leftovers. Thanks to Kavi for poptarts and to Azalia for the cookies. Monopoly thanks for the Monopoly money spent on us cheapos by Matt, Hannah, and others. And a final thank you to Jen for the Midballs at Meatnight.

theMQ.org

October 26, 2016

Page 3

UCSD Farmer’s Market Disappoints New Students, Has No Farmers for Sale

EDITORIAL

My Sincere Apology to the American People

By Frances Debrunner

Staff Writer n Tuesday, UCSD’s first farmer’s market of the year occurred, leaving many first years saddened, horrified, and betrayed over the lack of farmers for sale. Many of these students had heard about the so-called “farmer’s” market in advance, and had done their research. Freshman Joe McHiggins commented, “Yeah, I researched for months. What a waste of time. I had it all set out — I wanted one about 30 to 35 years old, with an average yield of at about 80 pounds of crop per year. Someone who knows their way around a tractor, you know. I had plans. Big plans.” The disappointment of these misinformed freshmen after finding out that the farmer’s market sold mainly fruit and not farmers quickly turned into something more dangerous. The exact cause for the extreme reaction remains unknown, but some sources suggest it was a combination of the heat, the stress of adjusting to college life, and the deep seated sting of “filthy lies.” Hordes of students approached the farmers’ stalls, demanding a price for the agriculture workers and pausing only to applaud the farmers on their adherence to selling strictly seasonal fruits and vegetables. Brief pleasant words were exchanged before the descent into untameable chaos continued. Harry Peterson, a 65-yearold farmer of organic Peruvian radishes, was extremely offended by these propositions. He reported that one student attempted to buy him for 46 dollars.

By Donald j. Trump

PHOTO By katherine wood

“Ugh, no farmers? Fine, I’ll take two construction workers and one baby,” said one student. “I said no, what’s some paper to a radish farmer who was symbolically expatriated years ago?” said Peterson. “Give me some radish seeds from the Chilean mountains, and then we’ll talk. Yeah, I only accept payment for radishes (or anything really) in the form of other radishes. Haven’t had a paying customer since ‘Nam. Surprising amount of radishes out there. “This,” Peterson stated to the students, reportedly holding up his most exclusive Peruvian radish, “is me. And it COULD be yours.” An anonymous student commented that here Peterson must be appealing to the idea that humanity is too

complex a notion to simplify down to a dollar amount, that parts of a person can often be worth more than the whole, and that the unforgiving universe inescapably takes from all beings. When asked for his response, Peterson replied: “I am a radish.” After that the crowd calmed down, reportedly “sated by his inspirational words.” “Yeah, I was pretty mad,” admitted one student, “but when he said that, I was like, maybe the real farmer is the radishes we met along the way.” In a show of goodwill, students were permitted to buy a radish with whatever currency with which they had been

planning to purchase a farmer. There was, however, one exception — a student who Peterson deemed “unworthy” of the vegetable, who was forced to stand and watch his friends buy radishes from afar. The farmer’s market continued with no further interruptions, and both the freshmen and the farmers walked away with a newfound respect for the other, according to McHiggins. “I mean, I guess it’s okay now? I’m still confused. Do you know anywhere that does sell farmers? I may have spoken too soon and maybe owe someone something and I really just need a warm body to uh... help me out with some stuff.”

UCSD Students Continue to Argue They “Wouldn’t Have Gone to UCLA Even If They Got In” By David Ding

Staff Writer

his year has proven to be one of the most competitive years for college applicants, with a record number of applications for all University of California (UC) schools, and record low acceptance rates for Ivy League universities. A common topic of discussion among incoming freshmen is what their top school was, and many new students at UCSD insist that UCSD was, in fact, their first and only college choice. With a whopping 97,000 freshman applications, UCLA received an unparalleled number of applicants among the nation and subsequently denied 79,599 students the chance to attend their prestigious institution. On the other hand, UCSD brought in a record-breaking class of 2020 consisting of over 8,000 freshman and transfer students. Unsurprisingly, there is a significant intersection between UCSD’s 8,000 new recruits and UCLA’s 79,599 new rejects. “It doesn’t really matter that UCLA rejected me. I mean, their football team even lost to USC, and who wants to go to a school that can’t even beat USC? UCSD just became D1 this year, which can only mean that they are Definitely #1,” freshman Reed Jack said. “All that matters is that I applied to UCSD, got waitlisted, and was finally accepted. I don’t mind being waitlisted in even more things like my classes and my major — I’ve got the raccoons for company!” Over the past few years, UCSD has received many merits for their engineering

“Presidential” Candidate kay, so I know my most recent apology wasn’t that great, and I accept that. I am a big man, the biggest man, and I know when I didn’t do something as well as I could. I know many of you with lighter constitutions were put off by my comments on that video Crooked Hillary leaked to the corrupt mainstream media, and I want to talk to you about that, America. But first, I want to make a few things clear. I want you all to know that I’m not angered by you taking offense at the comments I made in private with my good friend Billy Bush. It was just locker room talk, that’s all it was, there’s no point in me getting angry over something so simple. Look, OJ Simpson, a very smart friend of mine, he knows his way around laws like I do and I’ll tell you, we were in a locker room together back in 1994, and he said to me, “Donald, you’ve gotta help me.” And what we said in that locker room, naked and alone, doesn’t matter anymore, it was a different time. There are more important things now, like ISIS and cybering. No one has more respect for women than me. I love women and they love me. They love me big league, some would say. And if that hasn’t

Pictured: a proud first-year Triton practicing the official UCSD yoga pose. and medical programs, becoming one of the best institutions for STEM majors. In particular, UCSD’s bioengineering program competes with those of institutions such as MIT and Stanford University, and is renowned worldwide. As a result, however, bioengineering has become one of the most popular major choices at UCSD and has received a capped status. “Yeah, I chose UCSD over all my other choices because I’m going to be a bioengineer and change the world with genetic engineering,” second year Don Weighton said. “Sure, it says I’m still majoring in ‘Undeclared,’ but we all know they just accidentally thought I was gonna go into

Media Studies to learn about my favorite sitcom. I mean, UCSD cares so much about what their students want, right? They wouldn’t just refuse to let me study my intended major, right?” A common initial concern for incoming students was UCSD’s social aspects. Many students seemed a little worried after hearing rumors that UCSD’s nickname is “UC Socially Dead.” These concerns, however, seemed to quickly dispel after Welcome Week. “Dude, UCSD is so lit!” one first year enthused. “I live in the Sixth res halls, and there have been root BEER parties every night! After a long night of partying, we even take espresso SHOTS

PHOTO By angelica sun

the morning after!” The student chose to remain anonymous, citing concerns that their comments could be noticed by a police officer. “Man, I never went this hard in high school. I’m so excited for the Sixth College rave coming up too- I heard there might even be some girls this time!” As the school year slowly progresses, UCSD continues to go above and beyond many students’ expectations. “I mean, I was told it was going to be like 75 degrees outside, 80 at most,” Nina Roe said. “Sure, it was like 100 degrees the first couple of weeks here at UCSD, but I mean look at SDSU! They would be grateful to get even one degree!”

been made clear by my wives, all three of them, who all say, “Donald, he’s the greatest, he’s the best,” then you aren’t paying attention. Not only do I respect women, I can lead them. I’m a great leader of women. For example, I was sitting around in my throne room one day and two women walked in with a baby. One of the women (she was like a four), explained that the other woman was claiming the baby was hers and trying to steal it. The other woman, a solid eight, said that the first woman was full of lies, shameful lies (Maybe it was Hillary — I don’t know, although she’s definitely a four). I ruled that we should cut the baby in half — they can make more, right? — to the delight of the eight and the terror of the four. After I cut the baby in half, the four showed me the birth certificate, which she should have shown earlier; to be honest that baby was one bad hombre and he deserved it. Anyway, the eight was happy and that’s what matters. Ultimately, I want to make sure you all know that I am not angry with you. I want you to think of me as a loving god, not a vengeful one. When the salt farmers of Nebraska — I’ve been to the salt fields, many times, great hardworking women and children — are conscripted into carving a gold statue of me that’s visible from space, I will make sure that they are well taken care of so they don’t faint on the job (unlike someone else we know). Then everyone will say “this is the best statue, the greatest,” and they won’t refuse to bow down to it and get thrown into a furnace. In the end I just want you to know, I forgive you, America.

TOP Ten

Reasons to Switch to Bigger Tires 10. Your Civic isn’t as big as that Hummer and you need to compensate 9. Bigger tire fires 8. The third round of the tire toss is coming up and there’s no way Terry’s gonna be able to heave this bad boy 7. You have a thing for the Michelin Man 6. Your local gas station is now offering complimentary air and you aren’t going to let that opportunity pass 5. If you don’t follow your dreams, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’re just another cog in the machine 4. The truck nuts on the back and front of your car aren’t enough 3. “She used to love big tires” 2. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t get bigger tires, you won’t be able to catch up — you’ll miss it 1. Western decadence

Proudly ruining the sanctity of marriage.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 4

theMQ.org

October 26, 2016

Local Man Fixes Sink, As the Prophecy Foretold

Sneak Peek at Future Snapchat Filters

Snapchat face filters are becoming so creative that everyone is clamoring for the next new one. After hacking into Snapchat’s secure database (their security self-deletes every 24 hours), we were able to get a look into some of the new filters for the coming months. Take a peek!

The Brita Filter

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

After he succeeded in fixing the sink, DeFranco’s wife asked, “Oh yeah, well did the prophecy also tell you not to ever touch the goddamn dishwasher?” By Cole Greenbaun Content Editor

ate last Monday night, Dave DeFranco did what was thought to be impossible and what is considered by most men to be a “true miracle: “he fixed his own sink without the help of a plumber. After years of questing for a sink problem fixable with his own two hands, DeFranco expressed much joy and satisfaction at the feat. “Usually I make things worse when I try to fix something and my wife gets all on my case to call a stupid plumber,” said DeFranco. “And I tell her every time, ‘Karen, plumbers are no good, two-bit thieves! Even though you need very specific training to become a plumber, I’m sure I can do it by myself with a complete lack of experience! God!’ and then I have to sleep on the couch again.” According to the top scholar at The Schoyen Col-

lection, the largest private manuscript collection in the world, DeFranco’s feat has been prophesied hundreds of years beforehand. “On a Babylonian clay tablet, found in the depths of a Mayan Temple, written in Egyptian hieroglyphs, the “Fyrngidd oft t’e Adelseap an t’e Sylfum Leadgota” or “The Prophecy of the Sinkes” was found all the way back in August, and is considered one of the oldest manuscripts found to date,” said Thomas Lansbury, Chief Scholar. He continued, “This manuscript comes from a religion that seems to have existed hundreds of years before Christianity, and was mysteriously wiped away, leaving only this manuscript as proof of its existence. Roughly translated into English, the religion was called ‘The Sect of the Drainoes’ and believed in the All-Holy chosen one, destined to save the world as described in this text.”

In a rough translation provided by Lansbury, the text states: “The one who will save us is the one who will fix the drip. The one who fixes the sink of house is the one who will fix our sink of life. He is the savior, He is the light. He who avoids overcharging rat-bastard plumbers is the one who will save us all.” Many men have gathered from near and far to merely “gaze upon the eighth world wonder,” which they claim is DeFranco’s sink, which now does not drip. After hearing about the old manuscript, some have shaved their heads and begun to follow him as his “disciples” under the name “The New Sect of Drainoes.” DeFranco has been inducted immediately as their leader and they have all begun preparing for the end of days that “Dave, our almighty savior, will protect [them] from.” “I’m just happy to have a working sink again,” DeFran-

co said. “I don’t know what all this hullabaloo about ‘being the hero chosen by the God of Wrench’ and ‘saving the space-time reality as it exists in real time’ is, but hey, I get free pizza at the Cheese Shack, so that’s nice.” According to “the Sect,” it looks like DeFranco’s chance to save the world will come within the next few days. In a recent announcement made by the Bureau of Reclamation, the Hoover Dam “suffered a severe burst in its main intake towers, and a crack has started to form on the outside of the dam” just two days ago, and without a fix, it could burst open, ruining drinking water, irrigation to farms, and blackouts across the American Southwest. Thus, the United States Government has decided to send only DeFranco to the dam with his “trusty wrench” in order to fix it, and in their words, “perform another goddamn miracle.”

The Polygon Scanning Filter

The “You’ll Get Sick Out There” Filter

New Open Access Research Journal Removes All Publishing Barriers, Standards By climent Chang

Staff Writer

pen access journals have revolutionized the publishing of scientific research, partially by speeding the review process, and partially by instructing reviewers to only focus on the profits earned by accepting papers. This has made it possible for any researcher in possession of a Microsoft Word document, containing both figures and words to publish their work. However, despite this great leap forward, considerable barriers remain. In response, a new journal called “Public Journal” has been launched that will remove the final hurdles to publication. This revolutionary journal will be the first to eliminate the need to do research and write papers to get published. P.J.’s staff has devised clever new algorithms that use advanced literature meta-analysis methods to produce papers. The method, known as Clustered Repetitive Automated Publication (CRAP), does not require the author to produce a Word document or figures of their own. Instead, authors can now use a pulldown menu to define keywords, assumptions, and catchy sounding methods that are used to automatically write papers. In addition, the results and conclusions can be predefined, eliminating the possibility that the conclusions will differ from those desired by the authors. Blaine Gordon, Editor in Chief at P.J., is optimistic that further improvements in the CRAP algorithms will make this new method of publish-

PHOTO By lawrence lee

“In my thesis, I will illustrate that BUTTS are the solution for the dissemination of PUKE,” claimed one researcher. ing even more attractive. “We’re working on a new technology that will link to your social media and automatically generate scientific sounding CRAPs based on your friends and online shopping habits,” Gordon enthusiastically reports. “These new technologies should so dramatically accelerate the production of publications that it will become completely impossible for anyone to evaluate them, and will remove the pressure of having work

reviewed by peers.” “Before P.J., publishing my work was really hard,” said UCSD professor Kenneth Carson, a world renowned expert in high speed photography of tortoise movements. Dr. Carson’s lab rocketed to fame after spending almost an entire week developing a new technique called temporal photomosaicing (T.P.), which involves taking thousands of photographs per second of tortoise movements and arranging them in sequence us-

ing the Apple Photos application. These T.P. studies showed in intimate detail that tortoises are indeed slow, and not, as one graduate student speculated at UCSD’s Bi-weekly Beer Hour Social, “so fast they just seem slow.” Dr. Barbara Roberts, a collaborator of Dr. Carson’s, elaborated on how P.J. will accelerate their research. “Our studies have shown unequivocally that tortoises are slow,” said Roberts. “We are now ready to move on to writing papers that don’t require collecting data. These will deal with important topics, like how being slow is bad and is going to cause tortoise extinction, perhaps by making it hard for tortoises to get out of the sun before overheating, affecting their race times with rabbits, or making them unable to catch fastmoving cactuses.” “P.J. is a game changer,” said Dr. Carson. “The beauty of CRAP is how well it takes advantage of our T.P. method, producing clean data with a believable number of outliers.” Using this method, Drs. Carson and Roberts now produce more than 60 papers per day. “Our colleagues are going to be totally blown away by all the words we found in the pulldown menu,” said Dr. Roberts. “We’ve set our preferences to produce a lot of ecology jargon with a dash of evolution buzzwords thrown in. The one about Zeno’s paradox is pretty sure to get us a big raise.” When asked if she had any concerns that this method might skew the results in her field, Dr. Roberts replied, “Oh no, it’s clear that people don’t actually read our CRAP.”

The Day of Death Filter

The Ugly Filter (Fucks Your Face Up Real Good)

October 26, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 5

Polls Show 0.7 Percent Increase in Clinton Support 70 Percent Decrease in Complete Sentences Used

POINT Ask Not What Your College Can Do for You, But What You Can Do for Your College By S. Pam Baht

By Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor

ecent polls report Clinton gained a slight increase in support since the last presidential debate against GOP candidate Donald Trump; however, she is still being beaten in likeability ratings by bread crust, most pictures of domesticated animals, and cracked smartphone screens. In response to the good news, Clinton claimed, “I would like to thank the American people for their continued support and repeat how important it is that they all…” before being cut off by a faulty webcam. The increase in support comes after a long, heated battle between candidates as they tackled some of the most contested topics in the race. After spending exactly one minute and 56 seconds explaining her honest mistake of sending emails using a private server, Clinton claimed that she “take[s] a firm stance on …” Trump responded equally as fiercely by claiming he had nothing but the utmost respect for women, stating that “if you just look it up, you’ll see I’m right, it’s all documented and proven on…” before being interrupted by a moderator. Final campaigning events after the debate have also proven quite impactful for the Hillary campaign, estimated to account for around 0.16 percent of the 0.7 percent increase in support. Political analyst Bruce Sherman claimed, “the stats are revealing that Clinton is winning a lot of people over with her continued folksy charm and emphasis on narrative, but the real voting issue that she’s pulling ahead of Trump on is…” before spilling hot coffee on himself and end-

PHOTO By jacob aguirre

“If typing in Helvetica is playing the woman card, then DEAL ME IN,” said Clinton. ing the interview. Clinton’s campaign manager Robby Mook expressed the importance of “sticking to the big data,” and believes Clinton’s marginal, yet still measurable success is largely due extensive fact checking of candidates. “Anyone who genuinely listens to both candidates, and evaluates both for accuracy and feasibility will see that Clinton is clearly superior on both fronts. This election will really boil down to the American public realizing that…” In an attempt to maintain momentum, Clinton was heard improvising slogans at

her most recent rally aimed at increasing voter turnout and excitement. Barely audible over roaring crowds, she chanted, “We need healthy, well-educated children, not…,” “Taxes should be…,” and “No…”. In preparation for Election Day, several networks and local news stations are interspersing voting information with political updates and ads. This voting info serves a dual function, as it attempts to relate to young voters as well. Reporters can be heard screaming at a punk rock concert, “be sure to locate your nearest

polling station and bring your… otherwise you won’t be able to vote,” before being pulled into the ensuing mosh pit. After a lengthy meeting with President Barack Obama, Clinton hashed out several strategies and plans in anticipation of winning office with her core staff members. Key intel was picked up with a microphone damaged after being dragged across a series of ceiling panels revealed Clinton stating “we really need to focus on…, no I don’t... wow, this coffee is...” At press time, Clinton was overheard stating “...”

History Wishes Humanity Would Listen More Carefully, Is Tired of Repeating Itself By Sarah Wernher

Staff Writer

recent study conducted by historians yielded the unprecedented revelation that History would actually rather not keep repeating itself and really wishes humanity would take the hint. The study took place at the University of California, San Diego, and was led by several distinguished faculty members of the university’s renowned and illustrious history department and spanned several months of research, which consisted primarily of coffee breaks while they talked amongst themselves about how cool and vital History is as a subject. “Our methods for conducting this study were admittedly a lot more ‘hip’ than ones we’ve used in the past,” explained one member of the faculty. “We just got together one day and said, ‘Well, we basically know everything we can due to our immense historical knowledge about things that have happened, as well as several very good guesses about what probably will happen. So I think we probably know enough about the human experience throughout history. Why not get to know more about the historical experience throughout humanity?’ So we decided to actually interview the History of the Entire World.” The interview took place after a solemn and highly classified ritual was conducted to summon History, which involved the faculty members assembling in a candlelit lecture hall and reading out loud from historical texts in their areas of specialty while a mashup

Official Panhandling Ambassador

ear Mr./Mrs. [name]. Hello! Our records show that you have attended Muir College at UC San Diego in the past year, and we have contacted you to, as they say, catch up! We hope that you enjoyed what our institution had to offer — great dining halls with food cooked by Yelp’s five-star student chefs, professors who score at least a B- on ratemyprofessor.com, and new facilities which aren’t exactly new, but aren’t exactly old either — and remember, it’s rude to ask a building for her age. However, during our routine audit of our great college, we noticed much dilapidation in regards to our otherwise fine enterprise. Just yesterday, Jerry, our fourth year student chef, quit his cooking job. Jerry, who will be taking his life to greater heights, is also taking something of great importance — the recipe for his signature “Meetloaf” that we serve to our students every Wednesday. Without Jerry or his recipe, our students will be famished every Wednesday. Also, as our signature dish, Jerry’s Meetloaf only caused two hundred cases of food poisoning; we fear this number will grow

larger without someone to match Jerry’s tender, relatively salmonella-free touch. Many of our staff are also experiencing destitution on an unprecedented scale. The provost for our college had to sell his fifth Rolls-Royce just to make ends meet. We named him Carl, and Carl the car is now gone. How will the kids react when they hear Carl has been sent to a farm upstate? So with great humility, I write to you to ask for a generous donation so that we can start to provide our students a better setting for their education. You will provide us relatively safe school food, prevent staff undercuts, and help renovate buildings desperately in need of upgrades, like Price Center or the Chancellor’s Complex. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear back with good news. ~ Pam

COUNTERPOINT I Graduated Five Years Ago, Please Stop Sending These Emails By Nick Falte

Cashier ow do you keep sending these emails? I’ve marked you for spam seven times now, and yet you keep managing to send this! Please stop. Wasn’t the six figure tuition enough? I got my degree, and I want nothing to do with you now. Do you know what I could have also bought with $100,000? A nice car. Or a nice house that’s not over an hour away from my work. Or 100,000 boxes of those tiny powdery mini donuts, I don’t know! And they would all be a better use of my money and time. I had to swim with loan sharks just to pay for your school’s mediocre education!

Did you know that the human body can live without one lung and kidney? Thanks to you, I unwillingly found out two days ago. I feel empty inside, in more ways than one. So please stop. Just get out of my life. Any more of this shit and you’ll hear from my lawyer. — Nick

TOP Ten

Things Your Professor has Done to Try and Relate to You

PHOTO By barak tzori

Historians believe the main reason Napoleon’s invasion of Russia failed is because of the Russians’ superior footwear: Uggs. of audio from the History channel and important radio broadcasts from decades past played mysteriously in the background. “I guess you guys are okay,” History reportedly remarked during the interview. “I mean, it kind of hurts that the only people who decide to learn more about me are just doing it because they’re bad at math.” There was a lengthy pause as the members of the history department conducting the interview begrudgingly agreed and silently scribbled notes on their yellow legal pads. “Not to dwell on the past,” she continued, “but it really bothers me how you’re

all such bad listeners. Every time I try to let you know that what you’re doing is a bad idea, it just goes in one ear and out the other. And then you act surprised that you always end up with tyrannical leaders and world wars. It just makes me so frustrated. I go through all this trouble to warn you nicely, but you just turn around and do stupid stuff like perpetually insist on selling Crocs as a legitimate form of footwear. I’m so tired of repeating myself.” Most of the faculty members merely took this statement with a grain of salt. “My mom said the same thing, but she never actually did anything about it,” one

muttered petulantly under his breath. A professor who had had a stricter upbringing, however, noted feeling a sense of growing apprehension after hearing History’s final remark. “I don’t know, maybe she’s serious this time,” he fretted. “We should probably listen to her. Whenever I heard that as a kid, I could count on getting swatted with a wooden cooking utensil and sent to bed while it was still light out.” Incidentally, his comment was dismissed by the others, who said that he was “uncool” and “just needed to chill out”. As of today, Crocs are still available for purchase in shoe stores across the country.

10. Forgotten the TA’s name 9. Shared their AOL username 8. When they introduced iClickers, they also turned around, looked at the slide and groaned 7. Asked you to swipe for them at Pines 6. Made a number of jokes about existential dread 5. Skipped the 8 a.m. lecture to go to the 5 p.m. one 4. Argued with you for points back on their CAPE evals 3. “Sorry, I was trying to catch this Eevee” 2. Started every lecture with “Look, I remember being in college, I know how it is” 1. Asked you to call them by their first name: “Professor”

GHOSTMOPOLITAN Page 6

theMQ.org

October 26, 2016

Wants and needs haunt your afterlife like you haunt the living. Here at Ghostmopolitan, we are dedicated to bringing you the best style tips, life advice, and fear tactics so you can excel in your afterlife. Take a look inside for everything you’ll ever need to know about being a ghost and even more importantly, how to make sure your man goes “bump” in the night.

Ghost Tricks That Will

make him scream

It’s no secret that sometimes it’s hard to get your man to scream. Sometimes he’s tired and sometimes he’s just not in the mood to be put in a state of pure fear like he used to. But don’t worry, here are some tricks guaranteed to get your man screaming no matter how “not ready for Halloween season” he is.

There’s no quicker way to your man’s heart than directly through his ribcage. It’s guaranteed to make his toes curl in anticipation and gut-shattering terror. Show him who’s boss — make sure he knows that you’re the only one with a firm grasp of his inner workings and trachea. And dick.

Lightly stroke his chest with his own severed hand.

Nothing will get your man going faster than a familiar touch, and there’s no more familiar of a touch than his own hand. Ideally you want to do this relatively quickly, as the rigor mortis will make the hand less forgiving. Plus, no one likes a cold hand.

Gently haunt his butthole. He’ll love it, we promise.

Most men are a little hesitant to let anything or anyone near their butthole, let alone an omniscient shrieking banshee, but don’t let that stop you. Once you get in there and start haunting his ass like an old, worn-down mansion with a creaky staircase, he’ll just love it.

Show him some skin. Heck, show him some bone.

Nothing makes an outfit a little more naughty than exposing a little more skin. And hey, if you throw in showing a little bone from underneath your rotting flesh, that will be sure to get some something flowing. Mostly just vomit.

~ • ~‌• ~ • ~‌• ~ ‌

Surprise him by going in, then out, then THROUGH him.

Show up unannounced to his house in a white sheet, but then take it off to reveal that you are nothing underneath.

Show your man you care by flaunting your ghostly curves with a stylish sheet, and just when you’ve piqued his interest, throw it off to reveal your incorporeal form. He’ll be astounded by the curves he assumes you have, and he won’t be able to keep his hands off where he’s pretty sure your body is.

m Skank Thanks, Ji First Jim, count your blessings. I know a guy that died on the toilet and he wishes he had just abou t any clothes. I think the only place he could get work was in a Streaker.” The best solution is to football stadium as “The Spooky find someone to resurrect you so you can go back and die in a diffe rent outfit — I’d recommend something fashionable like rusty chains or active like a torn bloody suit. Goodbye.

nook and ith a kitchen Dear Ouija, w ce la an eviction p t n ea nting, a gr ntly and I wasn’t giverse? I’ve been au h as w I The house was torn down rece to take legal recou place, but it is everything,l! Do I have some wayLeaf till I find a newok like they’re notice at al Coffee Bean and Teae patrons already lo haunting a as satisfying — all tho? not nearly th. What should I d close to dea hel Trent Thanks, Rac Okay Rachel. First you’ll have to request a P938-7L form, fill it outgo to your local city clerk’s office, of residency, after which you’ll getand take that to the county office to fill out as a PDF and send it as a 35-TYU form that’ll you need lord till he poops his pants. Othe an email. Then spook your landfor ghosts; as long as you haunt rwise, squatter’s rights still stand evicted. Hey, maybe they’ll build the land you’ll never actually be a Starbucks there. I’ve heard that much better for haunting. Goodbye ’s .

Spread whipped cream on his balls, then suck out his soul.

If your haunting life seems a bit stale, don’t be afraid to introduce some food play! Whipped cream is excellent for beginners and experts alike. It’s fun to apply, it’s cooling and relaxing, and it will distract him from the fact that you’re sucking his soul straight from the place it resides in the human body, the taint.

The afterlife is hard, but luckily you don’t have to go through it alone. Ask Ouija is here to answer any and all questions you have about life after death, from how to stop getting prank summoned to how to stop ghost erections that last over four hours. Let the all-powerful, Mystical Being of Truth explain it all! is cool ing a ghost Dear Ouija, e I think belights at will, but il h w d an ago, trol d t two weeks tting to con g a ska ban I died abouh the floating and ge ay. I’ve been wearina while now. d it r w ry fo y orts laund and all, d cargo sh oking like I died in m , I died on the thing is uburban Legends” an stop lo n ca I “S so r othes shirt fo ange my cl 03? How do I chof high school in 20 ar ye senior

As a last resort, invite a friend over and “cross the streams.” The ultimate ecstasy for a man is for both of you to possess him at the same time, controlling his movements independently of each other and tearing his mind apart at the seams. It’s the best type of D.P.

ask ouija

Remember, the ultimate D.P. is Double Possession!

Tease him throughout his day with glimpses of you.

is he really

if his “O” face now know for

1. How does he want a. Lights on b. Lights off c. Lights flickering

2. roses he was holdin

How quickly did th

a. Quicker than he dropped h b. A normal rate c. As slowly as he learned wh

3. shaking?

How much are his

a. A lot b. A little c. Not at all? Oh, he’s probab

4.true reality-warpin

How did he react to

a. He shat himself b. He said he was just happy

5. ghost’s name?

Did he just yell out

a. No, my mother’s name b. Yes. Ughh, that was weird

6.good scare — is he

Men usually fall asl

a. Yes, fully asleep b. No, I think he may still be c. Shit, I need a defibrillator

7. Did he ectoplasm?

Throughout his day, only show up in his peripheral vision and disappear if he looks at you directly, so that he doubts his very sanity. Men love to be teased, especially when they are teased by a little girl in a bloody nightgown when at the urinal.

Dear Ouija,

a. Yes b. No c. Oh God, it’s everywhere

ScareB

one sou

I was just mindin denly these four g my own business in my usual weirdos in brow haunt, when sudthese backpack-m n suits barge in hunted. I’ve been ounted laser guns everywhere and start shooting and they might behiding in this old painting now. I think I’m being for onto me. What sh ould I do to fight three days, back? Thanks, Ray Park er Sr. ays more , remember that they’re alw When dealing with humansof them. They’ve wandered into your are afraid of you than you of their element. Their backpack guns territory, and they’re out that’s the point; they want to look bigger may look threatening, but they’re dealing with a wild animal. But and scarier than you, like you’re a ghost! Unlike a wild animal, you you’re not a wild animal, nd by the limitations of mortal flesh. are immortal, no longer bouolver. Use that. Guns are usually a Also, you have a Colt .45 rev gs. Goodbye. good counter to living thin

Dear Ouija, My husband Jim is going great in and I love each other very much the afterlife, exce , We’re giving it ou pt for one emba and everything just go right thro r best, but whenever we try to harrassing thing. we’re at the end ugh each other. We’ve tried a lot ve ghost sex we of our rope. Plea of things, but 300 years. se help us — we’ve been horny for Thanks, Samant ha McDaniels

A South Tr

This charming countryside. It intimidating to that Transylva a super creepy location to hau

gs you antha. There are a few thin Sorry to hear about that, Sam of these helps. First, try using less ly one and Jim can try — hopeful the morslippery, due to slipping off lube. Ghosts are naturally going to go right ’re you t tha to lube ing tal coil, and if you’re add ther ghost st knife going through ano have through each other like a gho and try to t wan y trick, you ma knife. If that doesn’t do the Open relationships st. gho ther ano t isn’ t tha sex with something need. Plus, could be just what you two might sound scary, but they hunky ghost t tha on es mov e som ke ma it will give you an excuse to hunter. Goodbye.

Dear Ouija, I’m trying to haun I can get it to showt this eight-year-old kid with an eight ball, but all is the number eig ht. How do I make this work? Thanks, Max Gu sset Ask again later. Goodbye.

The Holme

Most people a the internet to But this Amish your ghostly ro ing is all about harder worshi

theMQ.org

October 26, 2016

y scared, or ust faking ?

While you may assume your man is always frightened to the extreme each time you scare him, you can never know e is real. With this totally noninvasive nor doubt-encouraging quiz, you can r sure if he’s truly your eternal fear slave or someone you should dump ASAP. to do it?

After you scare him, which one of these cabbages look most like his face?

Did you just finish? Check his pulse — what’s it like?

a. Scared Cabbage

b. Nervous Cabbage

c. Pickled Cabbage

he fresh ng wither?

his panties

Page 7

ways to quickly get a

tighter, leaner ectoplasm

While you may think that your spectral form is permanent and you’re stuck with the flabby body you died in, there are ways for you to easily lose weight, shedding that ectoplasm. Ghostly scientists have come up with these six easy, fool-proof ways to give you the body you’ve always wanted to terrify a child in!

here the g-spot is

hands

bly a serial killer

o seeing your ng form?

y to see me

his mother’s

a. Really fast b. About normal c. There isn’t one. Also, his skin is turning blue

10. Did you make him bleed?

a. No? Come on, you need to at least make him bleed b. Just a bit c. It’s like Carrie but worse

results:

leep after a asleep?

e awake and on Reddit

Now, add up your points to find out if you’re as scary as you know you are. Each ‘a’ is one point, ‘b’ is two points, and ‘c’ is three points.

When absorbing out, try absorbing people who aren’t North Americans.

A little-known fact is that when absorbing the physical form and soul of pitiful living folks, European, Asian, and African people are much healthier for your body and cut down on the amount of bile and slime you store in your thighs.

Get liposuction and cut yourself in half.

10-16 points: He’s beyond hope at this point. Dump him. You did what you could, but sometimes men just can’t be scared. You need to find a man you can properly subject to reality-warping mind terrors, as you deserve.

At this point there’s nothing to lose, and the no-legs/floating torso look is retro but definitely coming back in style!

17-23 points: You have some work to do, but that’s okay. No one is good at scaring their man into an early grave when they first start trying. Spend the next few weeks starting to add more moves to your repertoire, and soon you’ll have him saying “oh god” and “get it away from me, sweet lord, what is that?” 24-30 points: Damn, you know what you’re doing. You’re that ghost that his mom warned him about, and the reason he definitely shouldn’t have gone into that drain pipe. But now he’s your spook puppet forever. Make sure to show him off to your friends so they’re all jealous about how you have your man wrapped around your severed finger.

BnB

As a ghost, you work hard and you deserve a break from haunting. So why not take a nice vacation to haunt e of these stellar ScareBnBs? For a modest price of approximately 60 uls, a day, these delightful locations are sure to be a relaxing home away from home for a weekend or even an eternity!

If you visit a local church, you can hire a personal trainer to partially exorcise you. The pain will be worth it for the sexy curves!

A Cardboard Box in an Alley

g cottage is nestled in the Transylvanian t’s an innocent, lovely place, but will seem o others; the West doesn’t understand ania is just another place in the world, not y, haunted country. Overall, it’s a prime unt for a charming weekend getaway.

Let’s face it. The most feared thing in America is the reality of being homeless. As ghosts we say it can’t affect us and ignore it, but the truth is half a million people are homeless and fifty thousand of those are veterans. This haunt spot will change you for the better and is a necessary evil.

are too occupied with cell phones and o even notice a good creep in the night. h getaway is a prime place to get back to oots and reconnect with what hauntt: terrifying religious people into even ip.

There’s nothing to it! A spooky run full of scaring joggers and passerby has been proven to increase reaction time and strength when dragging humans to their doom.

Get a personal trainer.

ransylvanian Cottage

es County Amish Settlement

Go for a spooky run.

Eat more poultry-geist. It’s been scientifically proven that chicken is great for shedding a few pounds. If your chicken is possessed, you’ll lose even more weight when you chase it around the room in order to make it stop knocking pictures off your walls.

Cut more holes in your sheet. The Pit in Roy Baggatini’s backyard Oh shit, this guy Roy? He’s been digging this pit for five years straight — that’s all he does! It’s insane — there’s nothing really to haunt here, but it’s just really crazy to watch him dig this pit. He’s got ladders and shit and everything!

While those eye and mouth holes are standard, cutting some more holes in your sheet is not only sexy but is sure to burn some weight off. Plus then you will definitely get a rock for halloween. A rock-hard cock.

Page 8

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October 26, 2016

Donald Trump Plans to Hire Dick Wolf to Implement Law & Order Policy

EDITORIAL

Marvel’s Luke Cage: Bulletproof Logic

By Leonard Jeroffsky

Binge Critic fter finally making my way through all 13 hours of the new Netflix TV show, Marvel’s Luke Cage, I have to say I’m impressed. This being Marvel’s third Netflix show, they continued the streak of excellence that can be found in their previous shows, Jessica Jones and Daredevil, or as I call them, “that purple show” and “that really black and a little bit of red show.” “Luke Cage” centers around a man with extraordinary strength and bulletproof skin who is mixed up in Harlem’s criminal organizations and decides to shut them down to save Harlem. I give this show five out of five stars, but I do have some complaints with the show. For starters, no one in the show considers the financial loss incurred through thousands of bullets fired at Luke Cage. Multiple times in the show the “bad guys” say, “Wow, that guy Luke Cage is bulletproof” and then proceed to fire multiple times at him. Not once does anybody say, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t shoot bullets at Luke Cage. Every bullet costs an average of 25 cents, and that adds up with so many of us shooting at him. By shooting at Cage we are wasting lots of capital that could be spent

“I’m sorry, did you say ‘bigly’ or ‘big league?’” asked the stenographer. By Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz Staff Writers

andwritten notes found on Trump's podium by Hofstra University janitor Philipe Santana after the first Presidential Debate seem to indicate who Trump has decided to hire to implement his oft-mentioned plan to “bring back law and order”. It appears he had written “wolf dick?” in the margin of his notes, and then circled it multiple times. Investigators have concluded he meant the creator and executive producer of the Law & Order franchise, Dick Wolf. During the first presidential debate, when asked how he would heal the divide caused by racial tensions, Mr. Trump had one solution. “In Chicago, they've had thousands of shootings,

thousands since January first. Thousands of shootings.” Trump said, alluding to the continuing civil unrest over the cancellation of the beloved series. “And I'm saying, where is this? Is this a wartorn country? What are we doing? And we have to stop the violence. We have to bring back Law & Order.” When asked for a comment on the planned hire of Dick Wolf, his wife, Melania, released a statement saying, in her own words, “In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. We need to hear their stories... Dun-Dun.” During a recent campaign speech, Mr. Trump commented on the idea, stating that he’s “still upset” about

the original Law & Order’s cancellation in 2010, and that, while he enjoyed SVU, he stopped watching after Dt. Stabler left and Dt. Benson, who used to be a solid nine, began to show wrinkles. Trump also expressed distaste with Dick Wolf’s “recent obsession” with shows about Chicago’s various emergency services. “Honestly people, Chicago P.D., Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, who actually gives a shit about that windy excuse for a city, okay?” Trump said. Upon request for comment on this statement, Trump clarified that he was merely criticizing how the Wednesday night lineup “isn’t what it used to be”. If Trump becomes president, he says that the “Make Law & Order Again” position is set to be implemented into the 2017 winter lineup

PHOTO By jen windsor

of policies. This position will affect many different aspects of presidential policy, including Immigration Customs Enforcement with Law & Order: ICE, which will deal with “nabbing Mexicans.” There will also be Law & Order: Allof-Detroit, regarding which Trump has said, “We’re going to make America great again, and we’re going to make America safe again.” To this end, he intends to reinstitute the RoboCop program. And finally, there will be Law & Order: Lockerroom, a comedy about sexual assault crimes described in great detail. When questioned about the last one, Trump said, “It’s locker room talk, and it’s one of those things, so it’s never actually done.” Dick Wolf was unavailable for comment, as he is currently on location shooting Chicago Waste Management.

Muir Res Hall Designated as Wildlife Preserve after Rare Species of Moth Found By Angelica Sun Staff Writer

n a sudden turn of events, the Muir residential halls have now been declared a wildlife preserve after a new species of moth was discovered being swatted around a suite lounge last Tuesday night. Maria Smith, a freshman student at Muir and one of the co-finders of the previouslyunknown species, vividly recalled her encounter with the “miraculous” specimen. “It was giant and beautiful, with a flying speed 25 percent higher than average, almost impossible to catch. When it flew into my world, flapping those wings adorned with dazzling patterns, I suddenly felt something primordial welling up inside me, a feeling that I think could only be described as the essence of that iconic Edvard Munch painting.” According to Smith, she was hosting a group study with a few friends in the lounge when the mouth landed on the back of her hand. After a brief period of Smith reportedly flailing her arm wildly, “in celebration of the moth’s majesty” according to Smith, the moth was captured in a plastic cup. One of Smith’s friends, Tera Le Pido, a biology major who happened to be taking a course on organism classification, jokingly took the moth back to her lab for practice, thus resulting in this groundbreaking discovery. The new species of moth was named “arbor seminarario,” after the John Muir College and the circumstances it was discovered in. After

PHOTO By barak tzori

“The holes in this net are too big, so the moths just fly out, but dammit, I got it half-off at Target and I’m going to use it,” said Daniel, swinging the net. further investigation, more details about the mysterious ecosystem behind this moth and numerous other intriguing creatures in the residential halls were gradually brought to light. According to experts, these breakthroughs “reveal an amazing coexistence of humans and arthropods” and “hold incredible value for ecological studies and pest control businesses.” Not long after these discoveries, the Triple T ResHall Wildlife Preserve, consisting of three of Muir’s residential halls, including Tenaya, Tioga, Tuolumne, and the central Muir quad, was officially approved by the UC Natural Reserve System. It

thus became the fifth wildlife preserve owned by UC San Diego. With its long-standing attentiveness to nature preservation, UCSD now becomes the very first university in the U.S. to maintain an insect preserve. The response to the newly-established protected area has been decidedly positive. Smith, along with many other residents of the wildlife preserve, has campaigned for food donations to the preserve’s human inhabitants, in order to “reduce competition for the moths’ food supply.” Residents have also slightly less enthusiastically accepted new policies prohibiting swatting or repelling insects

in the dorms, in case there are any other rare species that could be damaged before being catalogued. However, a few experts also pointed out that creating a too-ideal environment might backfire, resulting in the species’ degeneration and the loss of many distinguishing features it gained through the long course of evolution and competition. With all these dissenting opinions, the final conservation strategy is still under debate. Smith and Le Pido, now considered the local authorities on entomology, were asked for their opinions, but it was reported that they were too busy “collecting data” on the new food donations.

on other useful things for our criminal organization, such as a medical health plan for our families, or even donations to animal shelters around the city, so animals without homes can be kept in sanitary housing.” Completely unrealistic. There’s also a lack of realism around Luke Cage’s character. While we do hear him talk about his past, and his actions concerning the crime boss “Cottonmouth,” we never get any real depth to Luke’s character. For example, we never hear Luke’s opinion on the Syrian refugee crisis. How am I supposed to believe him as a hero, if I don’t know his view on the socio-economic repercussions of closing or opening borders to refugees in Europe? It’s like the writers don’t consider the effects of geopolitical problems that affect everyone, including Mr. Cage. This can hardly be considered “good” writing. Finally, I feel as if the title of the show is very misleading. Throughout the show there is a distinct lack of cages. While I understand “Cage” is his last name, having the last name “Cage” implies that he is influenced in some way by cages. Iron Man is clearly a man who has an iron suit, hence the use of the words “Iron” and “Man.” But yet throughout the show we never see a fullfledged cage. Some might say, “But Leonard, Luke is in a prison at one point and there are very clearly jail bars and the like around Luke.” But those filthy ignoramuses are wrong if they think that fulfills the requirement set by the title for a cage! Jail bars do not constitute a cage! At most they can make up one side of a cage! This inconsistency is infuriating and ruined the show for me. One out of five stars.

TOP Ten

Things You Can Do to Push Your Cool RA’s Limits 10. Ask them if you can sleep in their bed tonight, since there’s lightning and thunder outside 9. Sell weed out of your dorm and give them a cut 8. Go to all their events but don’t check in 7. Temporarily house refugees while they search for better housing, but do it longer than you’re allowed to have guests 6. Start drinking a bottle of beer in front of them, but before they write you up, tell them they have to roll for perception 5. Ask them if you can have fresh milk. When they say “okay,” say, “Alright, but I’m letting you know now that the manure will be a problem” 4. “What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and is going to get super hammered this weekend?” 3. Lead them to a switch that can redirect a speeding trolley from five people to one person 2. Ask them if they believe in aliens, and if they say yes, say, “Okay, aliens punched that hole in my wall when they were drunk” 1. Introduce them to your kid, who’s living with you When they go low, we go around them; we don’t want to step on them or anything.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

October 26, 2016

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Page 9

Turnitin Decides 26 Words or Fewer is Not Plagiarism Hi, I’m Colin Parent and I’m sprinting — not running — for City Council! There’s no question of my fitness to be in office here — I haven’t slowed down since the nineties and don’t plan on doing it anytime soon. Let me carry the baton for La Mesa. Who says a single Parent can’t do a good job?

Policies

PHOTO By connor Gorry

“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to roughly quote it,” said one of the soldiers. By Lauren Kirkbride

Design Editor

he leading originality checking program, Turnitin, has announced this past week that it will not mark plagiarism that consists of 26 words or fewer. Turnitin is an online program designed to scan students’ works for plagiarism by determining if the text matches any other text in its online database. Plagiarism (n): an act of using or closely imitating the language of another author without authorization; the representation of that author's work as one's own. It is widely considered a breach in the moral code of academia, since it does not credit the original author. The CEO of Turnitin, Daniella Nitinrut, discovered that most schools’ Originality Reports punished students for plagiarism without determining the student’s intent.

“This system of punishment for students is flawed,” said Nitinrut. “It’s difficult to determine if a student is trying to purposefully deceive the teachers when a short phrase or sentence is copied. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their Turnitin marks.” Punishments for plagiarism include expulsion from school, legal action in the case of copyright infringement, and even hasta la vista, baby, of one’s work. In 2015, the American Copycat Association Association conducted a study to further understand why students plagiarize. According to the results, 85 percent of students plagiarize because of stress, cramming, or being too lazy to double-check their work. Lead researcher Bond

James-Bond reports students’ most frequent reasons were “Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me,” “It’s a hard knock life,” and “Here I am, once again, I’m torn into pieces.” “We read those results and thought, ‘If the students won’t try, why should we?’” said Jeremy Marken, one of Turnitin’s lead developers. “We chose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard, but Houston, we have a problem. Students are copying others’ work too readily, not realizing that plagiarism has serious consequences. When copying something, you’ve gotta ask yourself, ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?” To employ the “26-Rule,” Marken and the other developers restricted the program to only report a copied phrase above 26 words. Turnitin developers have stated that the system will assume

that anything copied above 26 words is intentionally deceptive plagiarism, which will be allowed, quoth the raven, “Nevermore.” “Four score and twenty years ago, our fathers brought forth plagiarism ideas that weren’t as serious as they are today,” claimed Nitinrut. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was one small step for man. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn if textbook authors are offended because students imitated 26 words. I’m gonna make them an offer they can’t refuse. Rosebud.” Turnitin will officially employ the 26-Rule in March 2017. Are ya ready, kids? This article has been processed by Turnitin standards and contains no instances of plagiarism.

New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil

»» My positions are neverchanging, but always on the run! »» We need faster emergency response times for our men and women in uniform. It’s high time to give the police and fire department the sneakers they deserve. »» Even when I jog early in the morning, it seems to be getting hotter and hotter. That’s why under my administration, the only thing that will slow down is climate change. »» Finally, we need to get all of San Diego mobile, starting in La Mesa. I am the only candidate who can make the trolleys run on time.

Always has a Sneaker for Every Occasion

Here’s a shoe I like to pull out to make a good impression at black tie insider-politics events, with a satiny sheen just as suave as my plan for increasing trolley access for disadvantaged people, and a chunky sole showing I mean (sustainable) business.

No progress can be made with La Mesa’s outdated budget. We need to step it up, with spending practices that work for everyone. These New Budget Balances are perfect for the job.

We’ll have so many aisles to run up and down in our new municipal library. These squeak-resistant shoes are perfect for quietly racing to your favorite young adult mystery romance section.

Night or day, these shoes will light up like our children’s futures. It’s a shoe to bring us back to our yesterdays and inspire our tomorrows. Plus, they have Batman on them.

By Lawrence Lee Web Editor

new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human effort and discovery, but on which way the mystical Scale of Good and Evil was leaning. “The Scale of Good and Evil is a mystical object of unknown origin that looks exactly like a regular, oldfashioned scale but in fact resonates with the very moral fabric of mankind through time and space,” explained Laney Justine, the project’s lead historian. “In its natural state, it balances Good and Evil for humanity as a whole — but it doesn’t always stay balanced, more often than not tipping towards the Good side.” The research team traced the Scale throughout history and successfully matched significant human developments with various tippings of the Scale towards its Good end. “Remember the seminal advent of farming in 8500 BCE?” asked Justine. “Yeah, turns out that someone threw a massive rager and that some guests thought that the Good end of the Scale was a place to throw away beer caps. And oh boy, the invention of writing around 3300 BCE? Our research shows that a minor earthquake hit the exact location the Scale was then. It’s pretty conclusive that we as a species really had no true

PHOTO By connor gorry

“Wait, but if all the good inventions were invented when people were high, how did they invent weed?” asked Wilbur Wright as he measured out another gram on the Scale. control over these massively important technological or cultural developments; it’s the imbalanced Scale that caused them.” Their research lays out many more historical points that intersect with significant movement of the Scale towards Good, including the first use of the numerical “zero” in Europe, circa 1420 (a cat jumped on the Scale), and the Civil Rights Movement in the 1950s and 60s (an herbalist mistook the Scale for a normal scale and used it for a decade or so; she tended to put more mass on the Good side). On the other hand, there are a few rare cases of the Scale leaning to Evil, impeding and even turning back human progress. One notable example the researchers unearthed was the birth of Lee Harvey Oswald and the gradual growth of his

disillusionment with America and its leaders, caused by an unfortunate use of the Evil end of the Scale as the water reservoir for a drinking bird. The team’s research also explains the general, inexplicable trend of humanity to move towards Good, away from its initial balance. “It’s actually quite a straightforward explanation,” said Triplett “Trip” Beelance, a senior researcher on the team. “Occam’s Razor and all that. As the International System of Units (SI) wasn’t published in 1960, the original crafter of the Scale, whoever they may be, couldn’t have possibly weighed the two sides correctly, and thus the Scale is inherently tilted towards Good by a miniscule amount — not enough for immediate alarm, but enough to gently improve humanity over the possible

millions of years the Scale has been in existence.” As to where the Scale is now, the researchers are definitively unsure. “The Scale has changed hands so many times that it’s already been one helluva ride tracking down its past,” commented one archeologist. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just sold on eBay for the same price as a bulk package of condoms.” Justine, however posits a more specific theory. “I think that the Scale has somehow found its way back to its creator after 1960,” she said. “With SI gaining prominence, they must have found the need to correct its default imbalance. With that change, all of the excitement will eventually ease back down, and things can finally get back to normal.”

Mostly legs, some torso, no head.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

Millennials Dump Illuminati, Embrace Scientology as Ultimate Truth

October 26, 2016

Stevie Wonder Lands Plane on Hudson River

PHOTO By daniel clinton

“Alright folks, let's get ready for the final decresendo,” Wonder said while performing a smooth glissando into his final verse. By Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz

Staff Writers anhattanites found their day grinding to a halt Monday afternoon to witness a miraculous display of airborne prowess. A private Cessna Citation Bravo experienced engine failure amid a routine flight from Los Angeles to New York City, just out of range of Laguardia Airport. Without a viable landing strip in sight, a passenger made the heroic decision to rush the cockpit and land the plane directly on the Hudson River. The brave passenger to take this extreme initiative is none other than R&B fan and local blind person, Stevie Wonder. “I heard a colossal boom, and I knew that something was off,” said Wonder. The engine failure was due to a flock of doves being sucked into the engine. “For a split second, it just sounded like… like DOVES crying,” added Wonder. “I thought to myself, Prince may be gone, but no way is Stevie going out this easy.” In a high-pressure situation such as this, one would normally call on the pilot to lead the passengers to safety. In this case, however, the pilot had rushed out of the cockpit during the fateful moment to make a call to his wife.

PHOTO By jaz twerksy

“Just like converting fish in a barrel,” said Hubbard. By Sage Cristal Staff Writer

n a surprising mass exodus, millennials are beginning to leave the Illuminati, one of the United States’ most popular cults, for a more “retro” form of worship. On September 28, exactly a month after the MTV Video Music Awards, an alleged member of the Illuminati came forward with a shocking development regarding the organization’s membership count. The Illuminati member wished to remain anonymous, but created the alias Wanye Kest; he announced in a statement that, “We're just not cool anymore. Everyone’s doing Scientology now. To put it simply: Scientology is lit.” Kest disclosed in a press release that the Illuminati discussed their loss of followers succeeding the VMAs where Beyonce reportedly “slayed the house down.” Kest upheld that

the Illuminati are notorious for their secrecy and discretion regarding their members, leadership, and meeting places; however, he provided local media outlets with details of the most recent meeting. “Sometimes we meet in fancy restaurants, or Foot Locker locations, or we go to a Starbucks. This time we decided to meet underground in West Hollywood. It looked kinda like the sewage lair from Ninja Turtles. They even had pizza,” said Kest. When asked about what caused the Illuminati to lose members, Kest offered, “Man, I don’t fucking know. Do I look like some kind of a gingerbread genie to you?” Later, Kest revealed that millennials, who had been the source of the Illuminati’s popularity, were abandoning it in favor of Scientology, a cult whose popularity skyrocketed in the 1990s. With the allure of actors like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and

Bob Barker, Kest stated it was nearly impossible for millennials to resist the transition to Scientology. Dr. Doug Debritto, a renowned expert in cultic studies and the top researcher of the Comprehensive Organization of Cult and Klans, made the case that Scientology, along with other 90s fads, is “coming back into style.” “When you walk down the street, you see young men wearing plaid shirts with uncombed hair, who look like they slept in trees. And then you also see young ladies wearing combat boots with leather jackets or Jell-O shoes with crop tops and scrunchies,” said Debritto. “If millennials are willing to dress like delirious drug fiends, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to assume them to be members of a cult like Scientology.” Austin Bennett, a 20-yearold Scientologist explained his reasoning for leaving the Illuminati in order to join Scientology.

“My friend told me that Scientology has been around longer than Christianity and was invented when dinosaurs were alive,” Bennett explained. “Apparently it was invented by Fred Flintstone, and that dude makes bombass cereal. I bet if Benjamin Franklin were real he would believe in Scientology.” Following Kest’s statement, the Illuminati’s official Twitter account, @TheIlluminati123, revealed that the cult would be having its final meeting on October 31. The tweet read, “We done 4 now. End of the world party @ White House. It’ll be lit af. Costume party & enough Kool-Aid for everyone hope you can make it ;)” According to Kest, KoolAid and white robes will be provided to party-goers, and those who are interested in the Illuminati’s Halloween party can receive more information by calling T. Swift at (408) 4068078 or by visiting the Lincoln Memorial at 2 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

f Voter o s e s a C s Infamou the U.S. Fraud in

Is your vote safe this Election Day? The United States has a dogged history of people who tried to rig the system by exercising more than their fair share of rights. Read up on our country’s darkest days of voter fraud so that come November 8, your constitutional right as a real and patriotic American is well observed once, heck even twice.

In the Reagan landslide of 1984, security footage shows a woman (allegedly Ferro) walking into a polling place, casting a vote, then leaving. Minutes later, Rita “Groucho” Ferro more footage picked up a woman of similar build who was wearing a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, with a nose and mustache attachment. She eluded the Federal Election Commission for decades. Experts are still unsure of what exactly took place during the 1920 presidential election. The year 1916 saw a little over 18 million total votes cast, while 1920 The 1920 Popular Vote saw almost 27 million. This jump in voters cannot be explained by an increase of general American population, nor by invention of mechanical vote counters. Perhaps this is just another mystery in a year that saw an organization called the League of Women Voters form and the 19th Amendment ratified.

On Voting Day in 2000, Sean Cocchia walked into a Seattle polling station with a pinata and a bat. Stating he had a child’s birthday to attend later, Cocchia was alPinata Ballot Stuffing lowed to bring the festive decoration into the booth. Reportedly smashing the pinata open with the bat, Cocchia proceeded to stuff dozens of ballots, which had been hidden in the colorful container, into the ballot box. His biggest mistake was casting all those votes for Ross Perot. A massive voter fraud ring uncovered in October of 2012 revealed that thousands of students at North Carolina State University were habitually not The North Carolina State voting more University Mail-In Scandal than once. In 2012 there were a total of 45,873 ballots left uncast, more than double the population of the school. Pictured: Paul Debenedittis, who headed the fraud ring and allegedly did not cast over three hundred votes.

“It was her birthday that day, and with Stevie Wonder on the plane, I was going to ask him to sing ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’ for her. But, you know, when it’s STEVIE WONDER, you don’t just ask that at take off,” said the pilot. “I was planning on bringing it up after we landed. Once I realized we were going down, I didn’t want to miss my chance.” Without an engine or a pilot, it fell upon Wonder to ensure the lives of everyone on board, but even he could see that he was not the best choice to pilot the aircraft. “Nobody ever asks Stevie to fly a plane,” said Wonder. “But I believed I could fly, because bats do it all the time.” Wonder was able to get a hold of the aircraft and control it enough to gently guide it onto the Hudson. “We’re all lucky to be alive. Good thing I always carry around my lucky rabbit’s foot,” added Wonder, removing said rabbit’s foot from his pocket. “I’m very superstitious.” All of these events are, of course, reminiscent of the Flight 1549 landing on the very same river just seven years prior. When asked if “Sully”, the recent hit film adaptation of the Flight 1549 landing, inspired Wonder to do this, Wonder responded curtly, “I haven't seen it.”

TOP Ten

Excuses You Can Make Up to Get An Extension on That Paper 10. My grandma ate my homework and then died 9. Until we find a better alternative to actual paper, I refuse to print mine 8. The guy that I usually pay is out of town 7. I actually have a tape recording of you saying ‘The paper is due tomorrow' 6. This is classic performance art — I can’t believe I have to explain this to you 5. My monkeys are on strike 4. After extensive literary analysis of this novel, I’ve decided that Oscar Wilde would never write a term paper and neither will I 3. I know you’re late, but what am I? 2. But were you REALLY gonna read it anyway? The whole thing? 1. If you told us the deadline and no one heard it, is it still due?

Only 33 percent narcissistic.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

October 26, 2016

theMQ.org

Page 11

Trump Campaign Hires Tony the Tiger, "They’re Great"

Circus Fans Disappointed that Mother Teresa's Canonization Means Something Else

PHOTO By katherine wood

While she has not been launched out of a cannon, the newlysainted Mother Teresa can perform some truly miraculous flips. By Daniel Melnick Staff Writer

PHOTO By nicholas martin

When asked if he’d ever use chocolate milk in his cereal, Trump reportedly left laughing, saying, “Do you mean Inner City Milk? Hell no.” By Nicholas Martin Staff Writer

he formal resignation of former Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway early last week came as a surprise to Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. and the media at large. Conway left the campaign for undisclosed reasons and refused to comment on the situation, although speculation has arisen regarding her stamina and ability to finish the campaign. She did say that her replacement is great and wins a lot, however, and assured the press that Trump’s campaign was in “grrrreat hands”. Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. commented saying that, while Conway will be missed, a suitable replacement has been found. Trump

then went on to further say that a great deal of attention has been put into the process of choosing a manager who would be fit to run the campaign for the remainder of election season. Of the many criteria used, particular attention was placed in the hair color, breed, stamina, popularity, and nutritional value of Mr. Trump’s new campaign manager, former Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes mascot, Tony the Tiger. Tony the Tiger released a statement regarding his appointment to campaign manager, stating simply, “They’re grrrreat.” It is still unclear as to whom he was referring, but it is believed that the comments were made in regard to Mr. Trump and his campaign. The specific logic behind the decision is said to have been made

in order to gain popularity with young crowds, as well as save money on catering during campaign events by supplying them entirely with Frosted Flakes. The attention of the youth will prove to be vital for those key swing states which hold the fate of the election. To celebrate Tony’s promotion from cereal mascot to Campaign Manager, Trump’s new campaign organized a charity baseball event to show the nation that he can appeal to the youth of today. In a press release, Trump’s campaign stated that, “naturally, a bright orange tiger wielding a bat is fit to play baseball, and Tony intends to show them that. His natural ability to win at a rehearsed game on television draws all the attention from swingers in all those swing states.”

Questions have arisen as to whether a massive orange animal should be permitted to assume such an important role, to which Trump officially responded, “This is the system trying to keep me out and the public should be outraged,” to which Tony’s official response was simply “Don’t talk about Mr. Trump in that manner.” Despite the change being made late in the race, the Donald J. Trump For President, Inc. would just like to proceed without any further incidents and minimal child mauling. They state that "we're not saying that we WILL pump Tony up with enough steroids to kill a horse and then set him loose near polling booths in counties we're losing in, just that we CAN. Just, you know. Keep that in mind."

Febrief Scented Candles Lassie Unable to Area Vat Not Sure NBC realizes Human Oxford Comma Warn Timmy About Why There’s a Brain Trafficking “Not As Sues UCSD for Lack 2008 Financial Crisis in It Funny As Expected” of Use, Malpractice and Negligence In 2008, Timmy MarA large, dark vat awoke In a statement issued af-

tin from the long-running television series “Lassie,” was about to buy mortgagebacked securities to improve his financial portfolio. Lassie, seeing the shady practices of Wall Street, attempted to warn Timmy by barking, “Bankers are just bundling together high-risk house mortgages and selling them as secure investments. They are handing out mortgages to anyone. The system is at it’s limit, and it’s all about to come crashing down.” “Don’t be silly, Lassie. Uncle Petrie cannot possibly have fallen in a well,” Timmy reassured. “He died in 1985.” Lassie, noticing her warning barks were falling on deaf ears, tried ripping the papers out of Timmy’s hands. “What is it, girl? Did the cute neighbor next door fall down a well? Isn’t it a little forward to save someone from a well before asking them out?” Lassie ruffed louder, saying, “The housing bubble is real. Please do not buy those mortgages. I cannot go back to being a street dog. I’ve never been able to forget those years of my life.” Timmy, seeing the tears in Lassie’s eyes, noticed something serious was wrong. “After I go mail some things, let’s go to the park. Who’s a good girl?” “I am,” Lassie replied in defeat. “Who’s a good girl? I am.”

early last Friday to find an unsettling feeling in its center. It soon realized that the discomfort was caused by a large brain now floating in its innards. Unaware of how or why the brain had come to be resting inside of its own physical form, the vat contemplated if the new addition necessarily meant a shift in its personal identity. It spent several hours in the comfort of an empty warehouse trying to grasp its relationship to the new conscious being that was not quite distinct from the vat. After almost grasping a consistent interpretation of a more holistic identity, the vat was once again forced to re-evaluate its sense of being when a fishy-smelling, latexgloved hand ripped off its lid and reached in to extract the newly acquired brain. After being returned to its normal physical state, the vat was left to step back into its original identity, but from the perspective of an outsider. The vat was forced to cope with its once-familiar self amidst camera flashes from prodding investigators, and a forest of yellow tape. Not yet sure how to respond as an autonomous being to the attention of others, the vat retreated into the deep confines of its consciousness on a deep search for authenticity, as it was rigorously swabbed and dusted for prints.

ter the cancellation of the planned comedy show Mail Order Family, NBC expressed regrets that “sadly human trafficking is a concept that is very difficult to make funny.” NBC had intended for the show, which would have focused on the shenanigans of a father who orders a mail-order bride from the Philippines to help raise his daughters, to be a family comedy as they believed that “the seriousness of the topic would have allowed for some great situational irony.” After hearing that no one at NBC had considered the possibility that this might be a bad idea, community organizer Irma Salvatierra Bajar started a successful Change.org petition to have the show cancelled. Bajar stated that “this wasn’t what we meant when we asked for more Asian-American representation on TV.” Beth Colleton, Senior Vice President of Corporate Social Responsibility at NBC, stated that she was surprised at the backlash the show received. “I didn’t expect AsianAmerican women to be this vocal,” she said. “I thought they were more submissive than this.”

In a release, the Oxford Comma claims that UCSD’s negligence has led to grievous errors over the past five years. In addition, UCSD is accused of negatively influencing students and encouraging reckless writing. The most notable of the examples cited by the Comma involved Mu Epsilon Nu, a fraternity formed by UCSD students in 2012. Members advertised that the party would include “great food, hot chicks and dope dudes.” It took the police three days to discover the cannibalistic massacre that occurred in the frat house that night. According to the Oxford comma, such incidents would have been avoided had the university employed the Oxford commas in its own promotional materials, police warnings and staff death notices. “A school should act as a guide for students,” the Comma told the media. “It should never encourage Anglophobic behavior by ostracizing rational elements of grammar.” UCSD released a short statement about the case last Friday: “This university is a respectable institution with fun things to do, advanced labs and serious students. Frankly, the London semicolon is confusing and has no place in this tech magn — I mean school. Well-rounded school.” The trial takes place Nov. 11th.

atrons of Ringding Brothers Circus Co. felt disillusioned this week when they realized they would not be seeing their favorite Catholic nun, Mother Teresa, catapulting through the air later this year; in actuality, she has become a saint of the Catholic Church. “I got really excited, you know? Like, I made a poster and everything. Total bummer, man,” said Brad Darling, an avid circus-goer. “This is worse than the time the exterminator told me my house was gonna be tented, and I even rented a ringmaster’s outfit for that.” “Yeah, this sucks,” added Darling’s friend Keith Tugg. “What a letdown for the community. Like, congrats to her and everything, but man...” Tugg’s voice then faded into a series of indistinguishable whimpers. Circus researcher and amateur tightrope walker Noah Nette provided some expert analysis on the issue. “What we’re seeing here is a classic example of circus marginalization,” said Nette. “Once again, nobody wants to hear our voice on the issues. It’s like they expect us all to be mimes.” “It’s so frustrating,” said lion tamer Tanner Felis. “I feel like we have to jump through hoops to get the circus community nationally recognized. It’s demeaning.” “This makes the circus community look like a bunch of clowns,” complained professional jester Chester Blatts.

“And lately, that is not a good thing!” Blatt’s comment refers to the recent “killer clown” scares occurring across the country, bringing circuses to the forefront of American culture for the first time in a while. “People don’t want to go to the circus anymore,” Blatts continued. “It’s like the whips, rings of fire, and middle-aged men in full-face makeup have lost their charm. It’s sad,” he concluded. “The whole situation stinks, but I’m not gonna bend over backward to change and appease people. I’m above that,” stated acrobat Brenda Dover. “I just feel bad for the children who will never get to experience the feeling of being excited but also scared and grossed out at the same time. That’s what the circus is all about.” When asked for his thoughts on the state of the circus industry and what could help improve their image, the Elephant Man said, “You, know, we’re just such a friendly, inclusive environment, it hurts to see people afraid of coming to see us. We really could’ve used the shot of vitality and energy that Mother Teresa is known for.” When asked for a comment, sociologist Dr. Nom Chumsky provided the following statement: “I refuse to believe anyone would confuse canonization with being shot from a cannon. They’re not even spelled the same.” In an opposing statement, Stampy the Elephant loudly trumpeted.

TOP Ten

Ways to Get Rid of the Song Stuck in Your Head 10. Print out the lyrics and then eat the page 9. Drink some water, hold your breath and then stand upside down 8. Sing the song backwards 7. "Jenny took custody of my favorite song in the divorce" 6. Hydrogen peroxide will get it right out 5. Listen to the song over and over again, cutting off the end by a second each time until you think it doesn't exist 4. Listen to experimental jazz 3. Embrace the subtle screaming that emanates from your subconscious 2. Get hit by a car and kicked in the head by a horse at the same time 1. Just open a window

We've tripped over a log 72 times, and we’re goddamn owning it.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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October 26, 2016

The MQ's

"The 'J' in 'Donald J. Trump' stands for 'fuck.'"

"Fun fact about me: I once shook hands with a president!"

ANNUAL PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION SHOWDOWN

Trump

Clinton

Poll of Pollsters on How Effective Polls Are

Clinton’s Relatability with Youth over Time

meh

Trump’s Likeability amongst Minorities

Projected Canadian Housing Prices

Correlation between Becoming President and Ability to Do a Kickflip

number of in a trenchcoat Seeking: Not 15 cats cats insuccessful a trenchcoat kuniversities he founded

#FFA500

$915,729,293

Trump’s skin tone the amount of money Trump and Sean Hannity burned on a beach in Puerto Rico in a crazy sex and drug binge in 1995

85%

clinton

by the numbers

seeking is alsoApprentice’s not 15 chancepartner who The rating

Trump will start a reality TV show about running the country if he wins

1 “amillion very small amount”

on Rotten Tomatoes

50%

1 3

number in of colors on the American flag that Trump thinks represents America

31,000,000,000,000 a H Y Y U U GE number

95% wrong

times Bill Clinton has come out of his study, coughing, saying “Hillary, you really need to legalize this shit”

number of eyes Hillary Clinton “has”

number of times she’s wiped her server with a cloth because she’s very hygienic

1612

Trump

Actually15CatsInATrenchcoat:

Horcruxes she’s created. Seven would be too many times Clinton

said "I 1800 has swear I'm

gonna be the next president" in the mirror

Clinton’s go-to statistic when she’s making one up

43%

number of times Ellen had to explain to her what “dabbing” was before they filmed the show

number of times she’s posted on Yahoo Answers

Probabilities of a Win for Specific States Polls are not sure if Arizona merely looks red or will actually vote for Trump. Arizona is simply always on fire. Unsurprisingly, Trump is almost assured the Arkansas win, already leading by a margin of almost 50 percent of deep-fried mailin votes.

The proof of this election is in the pudding, and that pudding is full of delicious American-bred states which decide the electoral count that chooses our president. While it seems as if these states would decide critically and objectively, in the end it's really up to the way of the winds (or socio-economic status). Here are our projections for some key states.

While most would assume Texas is voting Trump, this is notably the first time they've actually wanted to vote for a candidate instead of just seceding.

In a promising lead right now, Hillary Clinton leads Florida with 55 percent of the Cuban vote, while Donald Trump trails with only 45 percent of the Reuben vote.

Ohio predictions seem to lean towards Clinton at the moment, as the ratio of donkey to elephants in the state is now at 35 to 34 after the death of Harry Elephante.

Delaware votes for the candidate who is most aware of their existence. Clinton once had a layover in Wilmington on her way to New York, so Clinton it is.