The MQ Volume 23 Issue 4

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast — where did I go right?”

— Kellyanne Conway

Now with GIFs!

February 8, 2017

Volume XXIII Issue IV

Sean Spicer Disappears, Found Digging Under White House

In This issue Brobituaries

3

apple releases dumb watch

4

guide to online dating

6,7 9

new epa homepage sixth college slowly moving away

11

News in Brief Frank Sinatra to Be Posthumously Flown to the Moon “Bad Spicer, bad!” said Trump. “This is why you’re an outside press secretary!”

By Matt Olson

Assistant Content Editor

P

anic struck the White House last week when it was discovered that Sean Spicer, the newly appointed Press Secretary of the Trump Administration, had gone missing. The Secret Service, reportedly fearing that Spic-

er’s comments earlier in the week had sparked some form of vigilante justice, immediately organized an extensive manhunt, which ended when a gardener discovered a large hole near the southeast corner of the White House.

Upon further inspection, agents found a pair of suit pants underneath a nearby

bush, and something an archaeologist later identified ominously as “Spicer tracks,” previously only seen deep in the woods of Montana.

According to a statement released by the White House, it was unclear whether or not this mysterious hole had anything to do with Sean Spicer until Kellyanne Conway rec-

PHOTO By Jacob Aguirre

ognized the hole and stepped in to bring Spicer back herself.

Conway reportedly clapped her hands three times and yelled, “I have a bag of Ranch Corn Nuts,” at which point a loud rumbling was heard and Spicer jumped out of the hole,

See spicer hole, page 2

Football Fan Hates Every Team in the League, Watched Every Game

By Jen Windsor MQ Cool Aunt

Sammy Davis Jr., Sinatra’s fellow Rat Pack member.

Proponents of this action believe in the Sinatra comeback that will come along with it. The ceremony will be live-streamed from the moon with an opening performed by members of the International Space Station, who have prepared a song-and-dance number for the occasion. Currently they are working out kinks on how sound will be broadcast, as well as how the tap-dancing will be affected by “this thing called gravity.”

Sinatra’s body is expected to be exhumed from his burial place in New York, New York by 2020.

Student is “Interested” in Protest Event, Has Done Her Civic Duty

L

ocal NFL fan Ryan Pederson announced Sunday during the Superbowl that he loathes every single team in the league, especially his favorite team, the Denver Broncos.

The Saturday previous, Pederson made the statement during a social gathering that football is his favorite sport, and one of his favorite things to watch. The following day, Pederson angrily yelled at his television during the Sunday football game, punching the air repeatedly while cursing.

He then officially announced that he hated every team.

Pederson’s girlfriend, Grace Mellor, reportedly enjoys watching football with him.

“But I don’t understand why he likes it,” she confessed. “He’s broken two TVs from throwing the remote at them, and he’s called each individual member of the Broncos ‘stupid’ this season.”

“It was totally justified,” Pederson said indignantly, recalling the broken television incidents. “The first time, the Colts’ quarterback, Andrew Luck, threw to Moncrief when Hilton was CLEARLY open — they got a touchdown but it was such a missed opportunity.

“The second time, Miami’s receiver was wide open and had a perfect pass thrown to him, and then he just dropped it.

You could see that he turned his head too soon. You have to keep

In a discussion of moon travel at a local comic convention, television scientists were asked multiple times: “Why the hell hasn’t Frank Sinatra been flown to the moon yet?” The organization Burial Liberation: Un-Earthing Men Occupying Old Necropolises (BLUE MOON) have said they would be honored to fly the singer to the moon, especially since their first customer was the inspiration for their company name.

“I believe that if anyone has the right to be the first person to go to the moon for re-burial purposes, it should be the rotting remains of America’s famed swing singer,” said Sebby Davis, son of

PHOTO By connor gorry

After the Super Bowl ended, reporters asked Pederson whether his tears resulted from joy or sadness. Pederson responded, “Yes.” your eye on the ball,” Pederson said, tapping his hand with each word for effect.

Pederson, a resident of San Diego who has never lived in Colorado, described being a fan of the Broncos as “a family tradition, not a choice. Not that my parents or grandparents have ever lived in Colorado, either.”

Pederson ranks watching NFL games as one of his favorite things to do to relax, and has set aside Sunday afternoons for that purpose. “It’s a good time to unwind, though I rarely have a calm afternoon.”

When asked what he hopes for in a football game, Pederson said, “The best

outcome of any game involving the Patriots is a crushing defeat for them. The best outcome of any game not involving the Patriots or the Broncos is a low-scoring tie game with lots of injuries.”

Although the Broncos won the Superbowl in 2015, Pederson reported that game to be “maybe the most stressful game I’ve ever watched. I was on edge the whole time — just another relaxing afternoon watching the game I grew up with. What? No, I never played.

Who would play football?

That’s way too dangerous.”

Mellor said that the 2016 Super Bowl was similarly stressful for Pederson, be-

cause “he hated both teams and wanted them both to lose, which just can’t happen. It was a hard time.”

“I really can’t stand the Falcons — God, what a stupid bird — but I hate the Patriots even more, if that’s even possible,” Pederson commented. “I wanted Tom Brady to at least receive a horrible face injury, disfiguring him for life. That cheating bastard doesn’t deserve his beautiful face!”

Nonetheless, Pederson is disappointed that the season has ended, and is eagerly looking forward to Fall 2017, when the next season of his “lovehate relationship with football” will begin.

Area man about to try stunt one more time

slug wants to make it big in music world

Area cat wonders what happened to his five siblings

Hopes to get slimed at Kids’ Choice Awards

UCSD student Kelly Baker has been praised by peers for marking that she is “Interested” in over five protest event pages on Facebook, thereby doing her civic duty and participating in local and national politics.

“I wanted to stand up for my community,” Baker said, “for my friends who are immigrants – and being “Interested” in these events lets me do that while exerting as little effort as possible.” Baker, who did not attend the Women’s March because she had homework, admitted, “I didn’t want to risk any of my privilege, but I’ve made up for that by adding my voice

to the thousands who may or may not show up to the actual protest, but will at least read all about it on Facebook.”

Baker also expressed her stances on the important political issues by reacting with an “angry” or “sad” emoji to articles on her newsfeed. In another brave move of activism, Baker “liked” a post in which the organizer of the immigrants protest changed the location, in honor of all the people who had the dedication to actually attend.

At press time, Baker indicated she has prior plans that conflict with all the protest, and she will likely not be able to attend any of them.

Sony Pictures Greenlights Film with No Concept, Nor Anyone Attached Sony Pictures has announced their newest “sure to be an Oscar-sweeping blockbuster hit,” to be released late 2017, titled “TBD” and to be directed by “Un Named.”

“This movie is going to blow your minds,” said producer Sid Price. “This film is going to have revolutionary effects that will transform the industry, a star-studded cast with the best acting money can bribe, and we are expecting to break all box office records with an estimated gross of three to four billion dollars. What?

No, we don’t have a script yet. We’ll fix it in post.”

Reportedly, “TBD” is the start of what Sony Pictures expects to be a TBDUCCM, or a TBD Ultra Connected Cinematic Multiverse. They plan to stretch out the TBDUCCM over the course of 20 years and 80 films.

“Look, people may say it’s worrisome that we lack a director, script, actors, a crew, set, cinematographer, or editors,” Price said, “but we do have one thing: a boat load of money to throw at the problem. And besides, it worked with ‘Pixels.’

Right? Right?”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

February 8, 2017

Area Man Asked to Watch Area Woman’s Stuff, Leaves

continued from page 1:

Spicer Hole

dirty and pantless, yelling about Corn Nuts.

During the discovery, it was thought that this was simply just a hole. However, it was later confirmed that, in fact, it led to a large series of tunnels running underneath the entirety of the White House grounds. The tunnel, apparently referred to as the “Spicer Express” by the Press Secretary, has branches leading to both the East and West Wings, as well as the Executive Residence.

There are additional tunnels leading towards the Washington Monument, the Smithsonian, as well as one leading towards the nearby Wendy’s. It is still not entirely clear why Spicer decided to dig a tunnel under the White House for nearly 72 hours, as the initial response from the Office of the Press Secretary was simply, “I like holes.”

A press conference was held Monday morning to determine exactly what caused the appearance of the mysterious hole, why Spicer had apparently dug it, and why

he only digs tunnels with his pants off. Spicer responded to every question by staring unblinkingly at the reporter who asked and eating an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes by the fistful, before asking for more questions and repeating the process. Eyewitnesses report Spicer ate nearly 260 cigarettes in total.

“Look, I like holes,” Spicer said eventually, upon further questioning. “I mean holes, not the movie ‘Holes.’

I like digging holes. I do not, nor have I ever dug ‘Holes.’ I don’t think Shia LaBeouf is even that good of an actor, if I’m being honest with myself, although I did think he was good in ‘Even Stevens.’ Wait, don’t report that. You guys aren’t writing this down, are you? If any of you ‘reporters’ talk about this in the news I’ll fucking kill you, and you can quote me on that. Wait, I mean, don’t quote me on that.

I mean, wait, do quote m—” before unsuccessfully attempting to dig into the floor of the Press Briefing Room.

PHOTO By connor gorry

The shock blanket provided physical warmth to Coronado as the police searched the scene, but it was not enough to warm the cold depths of her soul, forever scarred from this betrayal.

By Sage Cristal

Assistant Content Editor

I

ntensely clutching a backpack to her chest, area student Angie Coronado seemed to be in a state of distress while telling reporters that last Friday that she was shocked to find her backpack sitting by itself with no one to watch over it. At approximately 9:30 a.m. at the bus stop on the corner of North Torrey Pines and La Jolla Shores, Coronado had asked a local man to keep an eye on her backpack while she used a nearby washroom.

Upon returning to her seat, she found her belongings were seemingly untouched; however, the man she had asked to guard her backpack had fled the scene.

“I was astonished,” said Coronado while scrunching a used tissue. “He didn’t raise any red flags when I first asked him to watch my stuff. Never in a million years did I think

he would completely disregard my intimate possessions in such a heartless way. It’s one of those things that you always hear happens to other people, but you never expect it to happen to you. Like dropping your phone in the toilet by accident, or getting hit by a car, or finding out you bought an oatmeal raisin cookie from Pines instead of a chocolate chip cookie. To be perfectly honest, I feel violated.”

Before Coronado could claim her belongings, the San Diego Bomb Squad was on site, after receiving a call from a concerned bystander about an unattended backpack.

News sources have reported that the contents found within the backpack include a laptop, an organic chemistry textbook, three bottles of nail polish remover, a bag of ice, and a canteen filled with bleach.

Coronado confirmed that nothing was taken from the backpack, which was returned

to Coronado after officials failed to detect any hazardous substances within the bag.

A police report states that after being asked by Coronado to watch her stuff, the area man had nodded in agreement. Although the cause of this blatant disrespect remains unsolved, some witnesses told reporters that the man was wearing bulky headphones during the accordance, and may have just been nodding to the music, completely oblivious to Coronado’s request. At this time, the rumor has not been confirmed by Coronado or the authorities.

Witnesses told reporters that the man who was allegedly supposed to watch Coronado’s bag had caught the 201 bus roughly 20 minutes after Coronado had left the area.

One witness who asked to remain anonymous said, “I saw him stepping onto a bus and he didn’t even look over at her backpack. It felt like a dream,

like it was totally surreal. It will be a story I tell to my children and grandchildren.”

The anonymous witness has reported to authorities that she has reason to believe that the man at large is a sociopath.

“I would bet my soul that the man is a sociopath,” the witness told reporters. “I’m not a doctor or anything — I work at Jamba Juice. But after six months of making Strawberries Wild and Mango-aGo-Gos for deranged healthnuts, I can confidently say that this man is a sociopath.”

Police are searching for the culprit, who has been reported by witnesses as a 5-foot-8-inch male with brown eyes and dark brown hair. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of this man should contact authorities immediately.

Civilians are warned to not approach this man, who has been described as “dangerously negligent of people’s stuff.”

A lap dance to forget.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor.............Sage Cristal Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood

Assistant Graphics Editor.............Jessica Ma Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Assistant Copy Editor...............Alex Vollhardt Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Soc/Pub Ottoman............Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Distribution Lieutenant.............Chris Doherty Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Andrew Buss Sarah Cain Kenny Cheng Daniel Chit Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz David Gorbitz Katie Hallsten Amin Fozi

We found our soulmate. It’s pho.

Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Samprith Kalakata Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Sophia Landaverde Chris Lee Nadia Link Nicholas Martin

Matthew McMahon Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy Annie Nguyen Jay Noonan Yash Pande Kavita Poduri

Rohan Rangray Vida Sadeghi Angelica Sun Luke Tribble Sarah Wernher Michael Ye

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. This production felt very intimate in a way. It felt like the editors were working with and off of one another. A closed system of sorts, we get into places of creating feedback loops, affirming our own dumb humor by repeating slightly altered jokes at each other. This is better than it sounds – we end up daring into realms we don’t frequent (see Sunday comics backpage), and perfecting old bits (see Brobituaries). It seems to me like we can’t get tired of each other, however hard we try, and that really shines through in this issue.

I can’t leave without a few words about our next retiring editor, Lawrence. Lawrence is the Jack of All Trades here. He’s created graphics, created the website, and created articles we won’t easily forget – or forgive. The comic give and take between Lawrence and me is unlike any I’ve developed with anyone, something I’m incredibly grateful for. I can spot a Lawrence joke from a mile away and usually it’s because I was about to make it. So phbbbbt.

Booster Club Many thanks for many people. Jen for the game day snacks, cookies, and awfully festive cake. Hannah for the fountain of youth’s worth of sodas.

Summer, Daniel, Connor, and Hannah for bringing doughnuts, each separately and of their own volition. Chris, Matt, Annie, Jessica, and all, for the many trips to John’s for cookies. And finally for the one and only Chris, you are the milk to my coffee.

theMQ.org

February 8, 2017

Page 3

Biblical Scholars Find Flood Was Intended to Reward Fish

By Paola Diaz and Brandon Moguel

Staff Writers evelations were made earlier this week when scholars found a new reference point for the Old Testament.

This awakening was recently discovered by religious scholars when they stumbled upon a footnote in Genesis, which led to an index, which led to an appendix, which led to a table of contents, which led to a glossary defining the term “flood” as “the greatest reward for fish.”

This definition is only used in one text, which had been kept under wraps by the Vatican in “Bible: The Fish-dom Menace.” The text describes the true intention for the great deluge, explaining the phenomenon in a brief yet informative passage. The text states that fish are revered by God as the purest of Earth’s inhabitants. “The fish bears witness to no sin, is a dutiful servant to man, and listens when I say, ‘Don’t eat the fruit,’” the text reads.

“And so I call upon a great rain for forty days and forty nights to broaden the bounty of their realm,” the text continues. The piece continues in an affectionate diatribe of God’s adoration for fish, their docility, and general good-naturedness, even going so far as to suggest fish as a symbol for His worship.

Very quickly, however, the piece divulges into a streamof-consciousness style of narration, expressing the imminent conflict the flood would

Brobituaries

R

Liam “Watergate” Eriksson

Oct. 13, 1995 - Feb. 1, 2017

In life, Liam Eriksson was loved by his true family: his bros. Liam earned his nickname, “Watergate,” after “accidentally” committing multiple felonies by spying on university council representatives.

No charges stuck, as he used the legal defense of “it was just a prank bro.” He was passionate about his many hobbies, including windsurfing, under-the-influence basket weaving, and buttchugging. Eriksson died how he lived, pumping copious amounts of hard alcohol into his ass.

Wyatt “The Longarm” Wells

Jan. 25, 1995 - Dec. 25, 2016 PHOTO By JACOB AGUIRRE

“Take of this bread; it is my body. And take of this Brad; he does my taxes.” Luke 22:19 have with another faction of God’s creation: land dwellers.

“You ever get so psyched for some plans before realizing you didn’t think of something kinda important?” the text reads. “Right when the drizzling started, I realized I may have goofed. Land dwellers have a tendency to drown underwater, so I had to come up with something quick.

“So I found this guy with a beard like mine who seemed cool and willing to work for free, and I gave unto him these

instructions: ‘There’s gonna be a floody-floody, when it starts to rain it will get really muddymuddy, get those animals on the arky-arky’. It was all kind of short notice, so I can’t blame him for forgetting the dinosaurs.” Here the passage ends, instructing the reader to refer back to the Book of Genesis for the execution of this plan.

This addition to Genesis has been met with many criticisms. Some Jewish scholars argue that there are plot holes in this narrative: they say that

humans were the most important of Earth’s creatures, that the flood was God’s way of cleansing the Earth of its sins, and that “if the traditional story isn’t true, then what’s the point of rainbows?”

Many Christians also dismiss the recent findings, saying the Old Testament is “all pretty squirrely” and that “the New Testament is where it’s at.” One Christian promised that “‘Bible: The Fish-dom Menace’ will not be found in pews near you.”

Iranians Trapped by Travel Ban Plan to “‘Argo’ This Shit”

By Christopher Jin

Assistant Content Editor resident Trump’s January 27 executive order, which barred entry into the US for citizens of seven predominantly Muslim nations, including Iran, has already caused a wide range of problems for Iranian nationals who work or study in the US. Iranian workers and students visiting family in Iran at the time of the travel ban will be unable to return to their businesses or universities, and those who had not left yet are now effectively trapped in the US, as leaving the country becomes tantamount to sacrificing their jobs or studies.

This difficult situation has led a group of Iranians to develop a daring new system to covertly transport Iranian citizens between the US and Iran, using the movie “Argo” as inspiration.

The alleged mastermind of the plot, an IranianAmerican university student named Antonid Mendezani, has already outlined some of the plan’s central details.

“So the basics are simple; you probably already know what I’m going to say if you’ve seen ‘Argo’ before,” explained Mendezani.

“You’ve got people in Iran who really want to go back to the U.S., but they can’t because some crazy ideologue doesn’t want them to.

“So, obviously,” he continued, “the clear course of action is to round up some Canadians and pretend you’re using the streets of Tehran as the exotic alien world of some new sci-fi flick that you think is gonna be an A-movie blockbuster but we all know it’ll turn out a B-movie.”

Every traveler using this system will be subjected to the same process: a Canadian filmmaker will travel to Iran, come into contact with their contracted group, and pretend the group is their

P

Wyatt Wells was a dedicated student and athlete. After going 12-1 in high school freshman football, he sprained his ankle and never played again. In a tragic, mud-wrestling speargun accident, Wells passed away in the arms of his best friend Steve Blatt. Blatt lamented, “His shirt said ‘Tapout’, so why didn’t he? He’s grab-assing God now.” Wells is survived by three wife-beater tank tops and a Fleshlight.

Brett “The Sperminator” Schnyder

Jan. 3, 1995 - Jan. 24, 2017

“Dude, your brief light will always be remembered by me and probably other people too. Especially since it was so bright. It’s not every day one of your closest bros is hit by a car while lighting a cigarette with his sweet ass deluxe lighter. But man, I visited your coffin the other day and damnnnn, that rigor mortis tho.”

-Obituary submitted by Schnyder’s close colleague Jeremy Dunn.

Trent “Real Estate” Lewis

Feb. 3, 1996 - Feb. 2, 2017

Trent Lewis was a straight-C student, loved by his friends, who affectionately referred to him as “Jesus Christ stop drinking.” Lewis unfortunately passed from a blood alcohol content of 1.0, approximately 0.92 above the legal limit. Despite this, Lewis’ intervention kegger continued as planned the next day, for his 21st birthday.

Tyler “Bitchturd” Donnelly

Mar. 4, 1994 - Jan. 19, 2017 PHOTO By JESSICA MA

Despite their best efforts, the 27 people operating boom mic number seven were consistently louder than the person they were mic-ing.

Iranian-Canadian film crew before boarding a flight to the US. Prospective travelers have been advised to purchase clothing from local tourist traps in order to appear as authentically nonnative Iranian as possible.

Mendezani is already reportedly in contact with numerous Canadian filmmakers, who have all agreed to remain anonymous or use pseudonyms to protect their individual operations. Many filmmakers collaborating with Mendezani plan to use fake projects as covers for the smuggling operations, similar to “Argo,” but others see this as an opportunity to advance their own real film projects.

An indie director using the pseudonym Behnem Affleckavi explicitly expressed such intent, justifying it by saying

that they “can put the experience on [their] resume” and that “this isn’t a humanitarian effort — it’s art.”

“Well, first of all, we were originally going to use an American film crew as a cover, y’know, to cut out the middleman,” said Mendezani, reflecting on some of the difficulties in bringing the complicated plan together.

“But then the Iranian government banned US citizens from coming to Iran, so we decided to use Canadians instead, since Canadians are a lot like Americans, except no one has any good reason to hate a Canadian. Like, Ayatollah Khomeini would’ve never even thought of chanting ‘Death to Canada.’

“At one point early on, we also just considered simply changing the ‘Iranian’ on Ira-

nian passports to ‘Persian,’” continued Mendezani. “But we realized that FAA officials are actually qualified for their positions and know how words work, unlike Trump.”

Though this smuggling network is currently limited to Iran, Mendezani has indicated he intends to expand operations to the other six countries affected

by Trump’s executive order, and potentially to any other country in the future “that Trump deems ‘too spicy’ for his ‘great’ America.”

“I hope we’ll have continued success in finding people around the world to help with our resistance against ridiculous policy like this,” Mendezani later commented. “Nothing would make me happier than giving Trump a gigantic global ‘Argo’-fuck-yourself.”

“Poor Turdsky shredded the gnar straight into that woodchipper that’s been parked out in front of the school - you know the one, next to where Damian macked on Jackie last week. Two weeks’ pay away from fixing up his shit Camaro, the dumb Irish bastard is lived on by the dent he left in that golf cart we trashed. Next whippit’s for you Tyler.”

- Obituary submitted by Donnelly’s classmate Jake Murphy.

Chad “Tugger” Chesterwick

May 20, 1990- Jan. 5, 2017

Chad Chesterwick was an exceptional human being. Though orphaned at a young age, Chesterwick received a scholarship to Harvard, and graduated with an MD. He then traveled to Botswana, where he served as a volunteer doctor. He died crashing his Ford F-150 while sexting and driving, annihilating a 95-year old woman. As requested in his will, his ashes will be mixed into whey powder.

Page 4

theMQ.org

February 8, 2017

Filipino Senate Calls for Peaceful Removal of President Duterte’s Head

EDITORIAL

Put Your Children’s Future in My Capable, Perfectly Manicured Hands and You Won’t Regret It

By Barak Tzori and Vida Sadeghi

Editor-in-Chief and Staff Writer he Filipino Senate passed a joint resolution last Friday calling for the peaceful removal of the President Duterte’s head from office and corpus.

The unilateral decision was made after days of grueling debate on the floors of both chambers, almost two months after Duterte admitted to having killed three people and then posing for a “Play of the Game” shot when he was mayor of Davao City.

This decision came about ultimately as a means to quell Duterte’s recent pieces of legislature that left many citizens and fellow lawmakers alike puzzled. Some cited examples, including his brutal drug war, as well as his attempt to boost free birth control throughout the country for the sake of reducing the spread of “sons of whores like Barack Obama.”

Aside from his harsh and often baseless style of lawmaking, some of the president’s quirks have many concerned. His bragging regarding throwing a man out of a helicopter and his inability to stop talking about his chronic toe fungus have left many thinking that the world would be a better place without Duterte.

The Senate and the House came together to lay out a five-part bill that specifies exactly how the removal and disposal of Duterte’s head will take place. Duterte’s own party was quite split on the vote, but ended up with 51 percent in favor.

The process will begin by injecting a dosage of sodium thiopental to render him unconscious. Then a guil-

T

By Betsy DeVos

PHOTO By daniel clinton

Nine out of ten dentists recommend Johnson & Johnson Reach dental floss for all your tooth pulling and decapitation needs. lotine will be used to detach the head; a velvet pillow will break its fall while simultaneously rolling the cranium into a bucket of formaldehyde. The preservative is for carrying out eternal mummification, per the president’s wishes. His head will grace the Senate floor for generations to come.

In reaction to the bill, several pro-Duterte Congressmen have come out in strong support of the President.

“It’s a real shame that Congress has decided to condemn our Iron Prefect Werewolf President,” said congressman Ernesto Tanmantiong. “Even more of a shame that the vote for it was anonymous.”

“Man, I was really counting on the president to cut off the arm I use for heroin,” an unnamed drug user from Manila said in defense of Duterte.

“How am I going to get punished, er, rehabilitated?”

However, not all were against the bill.

“Oh sure, welcome any potential toppling of the president,” commented Chuan Hua Yang, head of the Filipino Gravediggers’ Union. “My guys have been overworked for months now, and we’re just not able to handle the amount of work that’s coming in.”

Economists, congressmen, and marijuana enthusiasts have naturally been curious about the potential repercussions of Duterte’s death, pouring extensive research into the subject.

Some are worried that the president’s removal will create negative consequences for the economy, as the bullet manufacturing industry is foreseen to collapse along

with morgues suffering a severe drop in profits.

On a more positive note, high-end designer Yves Saint Laurent is thrilled to be able to re-release their Black Opium scent in the Phillippines, without women worrying about being shot dead based off of opiate use suspicions.

The members of the Senate did note that they felt a little uncomfortable with the prospect of Duterte’s slowly rotting head watching over their every move on the floor, but they came to the conclusion that the pros of this decision will outweigh its cons.

“Ha! You think that’ll work?” President Duterte exclaimed in response to the resolution. “I come from a strong bloodline of chickens, I can run an entire nation with my head off for minutes!”

Apple Brings Back Outsourced Jobs from Overseas, Releases Dumb Watch

By Jessica Ma

Assistant Graphics Editor

N

ext Monday, millions across the nation will wait in line to buy the newest and most streamlined addition to Apple’s evergrowing product line — the Apple Orange Watch 1.

According to an Apple press release, this new product is a response to public complaints that Apple’s products have drifted away from their signature simplicity, intuitiveness, and beauty in design.

The Apple Orange Watch 1 is completely waterproof and features a stone sundial. Because the minimalistic design lacks moving parts, the device never has to be recharged. The Apple Orange Watch 1 comes in three colors: granite, marble, and slate.

Apple’s engineers reported that the most difficult part of developing the new watch was cracking the problem of finding a way to use it in the absence of natural light. Their solution was a clip-on LED bulb, which can be bought separately for 30 dollars. The second most difficult problem with developing the new watch was consumers dealing with the strain of strapping a large amount of granite to their wrists, which the engineers do not currently have a solution for, although some have suggested adding a second clip-on LED bulb.

The simplicity of the Apple Orange Watch 1 also means that Apple has begun to move manufacturing jobs back to the United States because the design is basic enough for Americans to understand.

PHOTO By connor gorry

One of the added bonuses of the watch is that on a cloudy day, if you need another five minutes, you can simply move your flashlight slightly to the right.

“The watch comes out of the machine in one piece,” explained Richard Howarth, Apple’s vice president in industrial design. “The workers are tasked with the important job of slipping a set of the signature apple stickers into the box. It’s a ‘dumb watch’, because it’s just so easy to make that anyone could do it, even people from countries with a failing public education system. ” Manufacturing the watch has already created 84,000 new blue collar jobs nationwide, mostly for machines. In the future, Apple executives have claimed that they plan to further shift manufacturing to the

domestic side by simplifying the manufacturing process enough that consumers, given the correct parts, could build their own Apple devices. This would dramatically reduce labor and shipping costs, increasing the company’s profit margin and funding former CFO James Bell’s record-holding succulent collection.

However, the clean stone interface of the Apple Orange Watch 1 has caused some public speculation that “copycat” watches will soon be released to compete with the product.

“It’s not actually the products themselves that people want,” Apple CEO Tim Cook dismissed these concerns,

reasoned. “It’s the stickers and the logo, and those are copyrighted.”

A recently conducted Facebook poll in the secret group “NOT HIPSTERS” has shown overwhelmingly positive reactions towards the new watch, praising it as “innovative” and “undeniably worth the $539.99 price tag.”

Apple enthusiasts also look forward to the Apple Orange Watch 1S, which is to be released in mid-September and is expected to feature a built in LED and a slightly raised sundial, and will come in previously released colors as well as a premium version in rose gold.

Real Life Secretary of Education America, I am here to tell you that all of your youths are in safe hands. I cannot say yet exactly whose hands those will be — I will have a lot of very smart and good people with good hands who will be working with me, and they may be out of my technical hands per se. However, I look forward to reviewing all of the possible hands and choosing the most capable pair, don’t you worry.

As a sister of a mother of a son with a sixth cousin who had a friend who had an employee who knew a boy that attended a (heaven forbid) public school for almost a whole year, I thoroughly understand the struggles of all the working-class folks out there about the education of their children.

In fact, believe me when I say that I am deeply committed to doing a lot of positive things that you like, and absolutely no bad things. Bad things will not help your children, and I will 100 percent stop all of those bad things from happening, because I like children, specifically your children. I want to help your children.

If you think about it, college students are really just children who are a few years older than high school children. Because of this astounding fact and the

fact that my affection for children is completely equal and unwavering, I will do all of the aforementioned positive things and none of the aforementioned bad things for college students as well.

Although I do not have what some people would call “actual experience” managing this “scholarship” bank or whatever it is that people keep talking about, I’m sure that with the right amount of luxury cars, mansions, and a large supply of designer handbags (to be sure I have space to carry all of those important folders people keep handing me), I will be perfectly able to handle whatever money is left in the bank owned by that Pell Grant guy.

I promise you I will do something positive with all of his money, after accounting for the trivial fees I will need to keep myself relaxed and well-groomed. I want to be sure I’m able to help the children, of course.

Wow, children are really great, aren’t they? It’s almost as if they are our future or something really important. They are very bright and capable just on their own! It seems that in order to do them justice, and acknowledge how smart they are, we really should just put their education in their own hands. I wouldn’t want to deprive them of any of the great responsibilities of running a nation-wide education system by getting in the way with all of my financial technicalities.

Don’t worry America, although I still have to take on the burden of maintaining all actual power and money directed towards education, I will leave it up to your capable children to make their own futures for themselves, and rely on nothing more than their own, very capable, hands.

TOP fifteen

Similarities Between an Art Gallery and a Truck Stop Glory Hole 15. “Anybody could do that” 14. People pay $9.99 a month to look at shit 13. You’ve always dreamed of getting jerked off by a stranger there 12. The really good stuff is always in the back 11. Optimal use of negative space 10. Much more enjoyable when drunk 9. It’s amazing to think that people used to do this in caves 8. Not nearly as fun if you go by yourself 7. It tells you a lot about someone if they mention that they’re interested in it 6. The other people there probably aren’t there to chat 5. “I always wear a condom there, just to be on the safe side” 4. A terrible venue for a company party 3. The obsession with the phallic is so much more acceptable here 2. “I got a college degree for this?”

1. “I stuck my dick through a wall”

You can call the exterminator.

We won’t care.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. themq.org | facebook.com/ucsdmq

February 8, 2017

theMQ.org

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New Study Shows People are Your Friends If You Just Say They are Behind Their Backs

Area Man Excited to M.C. This Year’s Geometry Convention

By Angelica Sun

O

Staff Writer

penly acknowledging and addressing your friends as “friends” may strengthen your relationship, according to an American Psychological Association report released last Tuesday.

In a surprising twist, the effect remains even when you perform the practice behind their backs.

For the project, 43 undergraduate students, who all claimed to have never had friends, were selected from 20 colleges in California. Each was assigned a randomly chosen classmate to befriend. Half of these participants were specifically instructed to say that their assigned targets were their friends behind the target’s back. After the five-week experiment period, the participants who proactively spoke out about their relationships reported significantly more positive feedbacks, including reduced loneliness and increased sense of connection.

Lilian, a 19-year old communications major, discussed her transition, though with some lingering timidity. After practicing saying, “Ryan is a nice friend!” in front of the mirror for days, she reached a point where she suddenly felt confident enough about their friendship to move beyond the mirror.

Following this burst of determination, she reportedly went out to the street, trying to tell people, “Ryan is my friend now!” in every possible conversation, from market cashiers to dining hall staff to stray dogs.

Taking an even braver step, Steve, a 21-year-old computer science student, reported speaking to his friend intimately across the lawn.

He proudly claimed to the researcher that he was “charged with excitement” and “won’t need that six-foot-tall bush

PHOTO By jessica ma

“You haven’t lived until you’ve banged a trapezoid in a hotel bathroom,” said one convention goer.

By Amin Fozi

T

PHOTO By connor gorry

On average, eight friendship bracelets will be forced upon you while sleeping during your lifetime. between them the next time.”

One of the most inspiring stories so far was shared

by Katrina, a marine science major, who openly discussed her initial failure.

“I tried to send my warm regards via gifts,” she recalled.

“With great determination, I started putting small seastar stickers onto her dormitory door. It didn’t go very smoothly at first. For some reason (I’ve never figured out why), she kept cleaning my presents off her door.

“For a time, I thought I might be doing it wrong,” Katrina admitted, “but I eventually realized that it was a silly thought. Sea stars are certainly chubby and adorable creatures that perfectly communicate my feelings of friendship! So I held on and put more stickers onto her door, adding on more crea-

tures every week. Eventually one day, she stopped removing them and accepted my gifts! Now I could see the whole underwater world on her door, and I felt a robust connection with the world that I had never felt before!”

Katrina cast further insight into her experience, showing confidence in how far her friendship had come.

“Now I feel that we are truly good friends, not the superficial type who only chat, drink, and mess around all day,” Katrina proudly stated. “In fact, we trust each other so deeply that we only talk in situations when we really need each other. Which hasn’t occurred yet, but the fact that she’s still doing well enough that she doesn’t need to talk is enough to make me happy.”

The results of the study have brought newfound op-

timism to shut-ins, introverts, and socially awkward people everywhere. Anecdotal reports have emerged of people emulating the method shown in the experiment, with similar results. Some have reported their newly-declared friends expressing “silent tolerance of their presence,” while others have found even greater success with their friends, “referring to them with unique nicknames, such as ‘What’s-your-face’ and ‘Who are you again?’

The researchers remain cautiously optimistic about the impact of their findings.

“I would have thought face-to-face conversation was integral to developing friendships, but this data doesn’t lie,” said one researcher.

“Maybe, as a follow-up experiment, we should draw faces on people’s backs.”

Indian Children’s Playground Latest Battleground as Kashmiri Forces Attempt to Draw Line In The Sand

By Barak Tzori

Editor-in-Chief ndian Security forces were caught off guard last week when rebels from Kashmir attacked them on a playground in the town of Kathua. The rebels were trying to regain the Line of Control separating India and Jammu-Kashmir, as well as steal the Indian troop’s lunch money.

Emerging from behind the twisty slide and the big tictac-toe board, Kashmiri rebels intended to avenge Burhan Muzaffar Wani’s murder using pellet guns, sticks, and stones.

The Indian army troops remained strong throughout the conflict, but were forced to stand back when the rebels switched to using words.

This recent bout of fighting comes from a long line of conflict in the region. India has asserted since 1947 that the entire state of Jammu and Kashmir is part of India and as such must play with them during both recess and lunch.

Kashmir, on the other hand, has made numerous claims for independence, stating, “We were at the handball courts first, but time and time again those upperclassmen come in and say we have to play with them or be banned from after school Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments.”

The argument for Kashmiri independence has taken a more violent turn since July, with injuries totalling in over 2000 wounded, 40 civilians killed, and two grown men stuck in swing sets

I

Staff Writer

he 2017 Convention of Geometry Enthusiasts will have its main festivities hosted by Area Man, a popular children’s educator who specializes in teaching how to define the space occupied by a two-dimensional shape.

Conventional officials say that Area Man’s combination of charisma, passion, and compassion is sure to add to the convention exponentially.

Area Man first derived prominence for his work in Education Extreme, a tutoring organization geared towards at-risk youth. “My work with EE really squared me up for this work,” the newly-appointed Master of Ceremonies once said in a widely publicized 2009 interview at his flat.

From these humble beginnings, Area Man gained national fame when he was picked up for a PBS television show called “Area Man’s Area”.

When asked about his influences, he said that he wanted to capture the feel of his favorite book series as a child, “The Twelve Volumes of the Adventures of Volume Man.” “Volume Man was proof that there was a capacity for adventure and teaching all at the same time,” Area Man said.

“I want to be able to pop out at these kids the way those books did for me.” It has been reported that since his show started airing, elementary school geometric literacy rates have increased by 27.18 percent.

“My parents, Length Man and Width Man, would be so proud to know about this opportunity,” Area Man said in a press conference regarding the upcoming festivities. “I’d also like to thank my circle of friends, Pi Man and the Radius sisters. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

Area Man’s reception has not been one-sided. “Area man is full of it,” tweeted long-time

rival Perimeter Man, “But what do you expect from someone who believes in ‘square inches?’” The same tweet was met with an array of replies from Area Man’s fans, full of disapproval and expletives in reaction to the improper treatment of their idol.

“F*** you, p**** *u*** ****r man. You always try and find sum[sic] way to get around the issue,” says one. “Surprised not to be seeing this come from Circumference Man,” says another, referring to a notorious troll popularly theorized to be Perimeter Man. Polygon Magazine also raised critical points, arguing that the festival puts far too much focus in measurements and doesn’t do nearly enough to let actual shapes take the center stage. This, in their view, misses the point of coordinating the convention.

The most polarizing opposition came from last year’s Master of Ceremonies, Local Man, who offered the following criticism: “[Area Man] is two-dimensional. From what I’ve seen of him, it won’t shape up to be a great convention.”

While some charge that Local’s stance is rooted in jealousy, he insists the event is on a downward slope. He says a variety of changes over time have caused him to decide not to attend this year, and instead watch it from his home television.

“This M.C. thing is just one of a manifold reasons I’ll be seeing the action at a distance,” he insists.

On the surface, Area Man refuses to let the criticism negatively affect him. “There are always going to be a few squares,” he writes on his Facebook fan page. “But at the end of the day, geometry is an integral intersection of all of our lives. We can’t let our differences divide us; geometry is something we ought to celebrate as a whole.”

PHOTO By jessica ma

“1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war, 5, 6, 7, 8, holy shit, he’s got a grenade!” yelled little Aarthi. made for infants.

The skirmish on the playground has cooled to a detente since the weekend, with neither side wanting to step off of their structure and into the lava.

General Natarajan Chandrasekaran claims the Indian armed forces are ready to settle in for a long and tense ceasefire.

“We have Capri Suns and Oreo snack packs to last us through winter and even spring,” he stated.

The Kashmiri leader Mukesh Ambani responded similarly, saying, “We are prepared to stay and wait for months. Lest

you forget, we have been the hide-and-seek champions two years in a row now.”

A new development in this fight some local news stations are calling “Silence on the Swings 2017” occurred just past noon yesterday, when nine-year-old Aarthi Subramanian came onto the scene.

Reportedly just wanting to play on the creaky bridge, Subramanian began to shriek when a coalition of men from both sides of the conflict tried to lead her off the playground. The men were unsuccessful in telling Subramanian that

she wouldn’t be able to play on the structures that day.

Through the wailings of a nine-year-old, the makings of a temporary treatise could be heard negotiated under the benches, written on scraps of tanbark.

Both sides walked away from the playground that evening, leaving little Subramanian to play her favorite pretend game, “crossing the bridge to meet my aunti Meswani in Jammu for the first time.”

The morning after the treaty, Indian led airstrikes reduced the playground to one big sandbox.

“The name’s Long Legs. Daddy Long Legs.”

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

February 8, 2017

Look. It’s you.

You are why you are lonely.

How to DATE Online, You Lonely shit

But there is a saving grace! Online dating, the world of swipes, likes, and unsolicited pokes, is here to save you from yourself. And even more luckily, this step-by-step guide is here to help you navigate this online world, so you can find The One or at least someone whose name you won’t remember, so you’ll refer to them only as “the one.” Remember, usually you have to be hot to have high standards.

Step 1: Perfect Your Profile Pic hey, you sad sack, if you think only “attractive” and “beautiful” people can get matches or dates, you are dead wrong. Even a picture of a brick can get more matches than you with the right additions. Here are surefire ways to make your ugly mug get more matches than you would ever expect.

Those ugly glass discs sitting on your face are holding back your full potential. You should take them off so that your total beauty can shine through. Who cares about 20/20 vision when you can be a 10/10?

Group photos can be hard, and they generally mislead your audience. Sometimes though, a group picture can be good — it shows that you can make friends and be useful, even if you’re hiding other (possibly more attractive) friends.

It should be used sparingly though — it’s hard enough being a tree in today’s society.

after

before

Be sure to hide all your imperfections. If you are selfconscious about your face, neck, torso, and the lower half of your body, there’s no better way to hide your flaws than with a morph suit! They come in a variety of colors and patterns that camouflage your deformities, like those pimples or that bad haircut.

There are two things that all people hate: ugly people and pictures of children.

Luckily, Photoshop exists!

If your sexiest body pic includes your offspring, just Photoshop them out of the picture! It’ll be like the condom never broke!

Step 2: Boost Your Bio! admit it. Your bio about how you “like dogs” and “have fun” isn’t good. It’s trash. The key to a successful match is a bio that is not only funny, charming, witty, revealing, mysterious, joyful, somber, and thought-provoking, but also sexy. Here are some bad examples and advice so you know exactly what you’re doing wrong. (Clue: You’re doing everything wrong.)

:

e l p m a Ex

:

ion t u l o s

1

I’m just looking for a nice person to take me out to dinner, maybe a movie, and then take me back to their apartment and use me as a human toilet.

I think a lot of people would say I’m an interesting person. There are many things about me that I think people would want to know, so maybe you want to know about them?

It’s good that you know what you want, but if you really want to show someone you’re interested in being their sub, you need to use more passive language. Consider changing it to, “As a person who lacks any opinion, it would be stimulating to be treated as a sack of meat with holes.” That way, your goals and personality are much more defined.

Vagueness is off-putting; people don’t always like playing guessing games. Instead, try to be more specific in your biographical details. Include important facts such as how many Facebook friends you have, the street you grew up on, your mother’s maiden name, and your Social Security number.

I like to shop at Hot Topic an Love me or leave me. “If you my worst then you sure as h at my best.” -Marilyn Monro

No one wants to date a ditzy quoting profound world lead “If you can’t handle me at my w hell don’t deserve me at my be Commander of the Russian Re

theMQ.org

February 8, 2017

Page 7

Step 3: Flesh Out that First Text!

Now that you’ve got a match somehow, you need to send the first text. It’s statistically proven that those who send the first text have more of a shot at a lasting relationship than those who don’t, especially people with your kind of face. Here are some examples of texts that will get a response guaranteed; go ahead and steal them like you have with every other first text.

Listen, it’s not a threat if it’s not real. But you know what is real?

Use this one in emergency situations, when the only pictures of them are group shots. You’re not being rude — you’re just hedging your bets.

A sweet-ass 2 for 20 combo at Applebee’s.

When your crush finds out she has lost her ID, she will be mortified!

But when she sees your artistic interpretation of her breasts, she will be enticed.

When entering into a relationship, be sure to suppress all of those creepy vibes for as long as possible, and send them some reassuring news to get the ball rolling.

Step 4: Strengthen Your Sexts!

After you engage them in a conversation but before you ever meet them in real life, you have to send at least one sext. After all, how will they know you have value as a human being if you don’t force an unwanted description of your genitals dressed as a weeping clown into their otherwise uneventful day?

1

Send them a “hey I’m horny bby” text out of nowhere, then send “whoops, meant to send that to your dad” to let them

know there’s competition.

2

When sending a nude pic, make sure to have underwear on so that they know you’re a decent wholesome person with good Christian values.

3

It’s important to become fluent in the phallic emojis, such as eggplant, gun, pill, and others; your partner will appreciate your eloquent way of expressing your desires.

nd eat at Denny’s. u can’t handle me at hell don’t deserve me oe

y dumbbell, so try ders. For example, try, worst then you sure as est.” -Leon Trotsky, evolution, 1917

4

Sometimes it’s good for a potential partner to see that you have the ability and stamina to satisfy them, so send them a video of you air jerking off. Once they see your mastery of hands and air, they’ll know you have what it takes.

5

Food and sex work great together, so ask them what their favorite food is and describe in incredible detail how you plan to cook that food, arrange it on yourself, and then eat it off of your own body while they watch.

Step 5: Ignite Your IRL interaction!

So you’ve gotten this far, huh? They said you couldn’t do it, and you’ve shown them. You’re at the last step now — you have to actually meet face to face! Hope you didn’t go the catfishing route. Assuming you didn’t, here’s some great date ideas to finally seal the deal.

Skype Date To avoid arguing over the best restaurant, each of you pick your own restaurant. Then, instead of meeting up in real life like normal people, just individually go to both restaurants and Skype each other. It’s technically still a date if you make out with the screen for five minutes afterwards, even if they logged off 30 minutes ago.

Shopping Take your date shopping in order to judge their tastes. Make sure to take them to a jewelry store to see which purity rings they prefer, the rose gold or sterling silver. Then you will know what they truly want out of your relationship: marriage or a baby in the baby carriage.

private time

I’m just here to drink milk and get laid, and I’m all out of milk.

If you want to get intimate with your new sweetheart, make sure the family is asleep!

To avoid little Reggie walking in on your date getting nailed, or your Nana walking in on your date getting screwed, bring them back to your place after 9:30 p.m.! That’s when Reggie falls asleep and Nana passes out. Plus, your bedtime is 10:00 p.m. anyway.

Planning Ahead While this bio is clear in its intention, its brevity and lack of descriptive words will fail to attract any suitors. Try instead to use more action verbs, like “here to slash panties” or “rip dicks.”

These kind of verbs invigorate people, getting them ready to run. Run towards you.

If you want to prove your commitment to the relationship, set ground rules for what kind of thread count sheet you want your child to be born on, and take them to the hospital where your future child will be born. Also, make sure to be clear: you WILL have three kids.

Back to Basics To avoid cliche dates, take them on a scavenger hunt! It’s almost guaranteed that your date has never helped someone search for their missing virginity. You think you lost it when you were 16 or maybe 17, and you’re pretty sure you lost it in the dive motel down the street from your high school. Take your date to the motel, tell them you’re doing this date in reverse, and start the search for where you lost your virginity.

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theMQ.org

February 8, 2017

Children’s Book About Mean Frog “Not a Sociopolitical Metaphor,” Author Insists

Humanities Recruitment Actually a Front for Gathering Small Army

By Cole Greenbaun

T

Content Editor

he new children’s book by author Rachel Bradberry has been lauded recently for its “careful, subtle rhetoric about today’s society” despite the author’s claims that “it’s just a fucking book about a frog.”

Bradberry’s book “The Frumpy Frog Who Just Wouldn’t Fray” has been a New York Times bestseller for four weeks now and has sold 5 million copies, surprising the author and publishing company, who had only sold 2,000 copies previously. The book details the misadventures of a “grumpy frog,” Frankie, who becomes the leader of his colony of amphibians, but then refuses to open his heart to “friendship and kindness.”

“Look, first off, anyone who says there are metaphorical connections has been snorting coke. This is a book for children,” said Bradberry. “Second of all, I wrote it in a coke-fueled haze when I needed a quick buck, so I know these people are crazy.”

Several admiring reviewers of the book have claimed that it is “excellent criticism” of the Trump administration, pointing out many parallels between the book and the president’s first few weeks in office, including scenes where Frankie Frog doesn’t allow other frogs into the swamp, ignores the swamp’s pollution, and loudly ribbits to the other frogs, “Truth doesn’t exist. I am truth, truth is me.”

People have also claimed that the book is an “almost better version of Zootopia,” an animated film known for its subtle depiction of race relations. They say that “The Frumpy Frog” extends its narrative to “almost every mar-

PHOTO By connor gorry

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will almost definitely hurt you.

By Alexandria Vollhardt

L

PHOTO By jessica ma

“What is this word?” Trump and Bannon asked each other simultaneously, as they both pointed to the word “generosity.” ginalized group and instance of prejudice in today’s society, from LGBTQ rights to indigenous rights to the treatment of American prisoners,” a feat once thought nearly impossible due to the complexity and wide range of each issue.

“I wrote this book in 2011, back then Trump was chummy with NBC and no one had even thought of a Muslim ban,” exclaimed Bradberry.

“Back then, I was riding the high of the Royal Wedding and ‘planking’, and I didn’t have a political or social commentary bone in my body. I swear this is just a simple children’s book.

Please don’t ruin it.”

Bradberry’s claims continue to be ignored by many, though, as alt-right activists have begun fighting back against the “liberal scum who

have defiled this national treasure,” claiming the book is a “beacon of hope in a PC charged world.”

“This book is about a frog who seems like a ‘grump,’ but is actually a misunderstood, gentle animal who is representative of strong family values like patriotism, law and order, and white nation — I mean anti-race mix — I mean strong borders,” said Chief Strategist to President Trump Steve Bannon, an avid lover of the “Frumpy Frog” book.

As the two sides have spent weeks now arguing about the political and social meaning of the children’s book on Twitter, Facebook, and in Yahoo! News comment sections, Bradberry decided to hold a press conference this past Monday to settle the debate “once and for

all” and to make an announcement about her next work.

“While the political and social implications of my book ‘The Frumpy Frog Who Just Wouldn’t Fray’ have been debated heavily, I have come to announce that my new book, the sequel to ‘The Frumpy Frog,’ shall put all of these conflicts to rest,” Bradberry declared to the press.

“The sequel to my infamous book shall be about Frankie Frog,” she announced. “He establishes a society in the swamp in which all the animals are declared equal, where they all work for each other and receive equal food and pay, and it works perfectly. I reverse-Animal Farmed you bitches. Analyze that, you pieces of shit. PEACE.”

Local College Club Told to Waste University Money, Wastes University Money

By Rene Mejia and David Vereau Gorbitz

Staff Writers CSD has reported a 20,000 dollar loss since the beginning of December that is unrelated to professors’ pay, dorm renovations, or raising the quality of food served in dining halls. The loss of funds has allegedly been traced back to a student-run organization, which has not denied the accusations. One student belonging to the organization said that UCSD explicitly told them to waste university money for their club meetings and events.

“We merely did what the university told us to do,” said George Keif, a student in the club. “They were okay with our fundraising, catered parties and hog riding. We bought ten hogs, each of which cost at least 260 dollars. We also used some of the money for hospital bills when Nick fell off his hog on the stairway doing tricks near Peterson Hall. That was at least 1000 dollars to pay the doctors to reconstruct his pelvis. That’s not even including the tip we gave them for being so helpful.”

“The money has been used for renovations,” claimed another student, Sasha Thompson. “We upgraded our meeting space to include newer sofas and waterbeds. We even paid for a Geek Squad member to quit his lame job and join us when we play videogames after meetings. These changes really eliminate the awkward time when no one is talking during our meetings.”

Assistant Copy Editor ast month, UCSD’s Arts and Humanities Advantage (AHa) Outreach Internship Program received the Innovation Grant. The program focuses on recruitment for the department, but does not actually aim to increase enrollment for humanities majors. Rather, AHaOIP has been revealed as a front for UCSD’s recruitment of a small but formidable army.

On the surface, AHaOIP seems like an attempt to increase the arts enrollment at the school. As recruiter Andrea Jakeson said, “The goal of the program is to encourage prospective students to enroll as arts and humanities students, before they come to campus and realize how hostile the environment is for creative snowflakes.”

Though all seems quiet on their front, AHaOIP has already signed a plethora of documented deals with the University of California. Such documents outline some of the training exercises and guidelines the army will follow, but never state what purpose the army will serve.

According to AHaOIP’s records, students will be trained in the art of war, according to a program which gives GEs and GIs to every Joe. AHaOIP will use the UCSD campus as a military base: the demolition of the literature building next year will serve as a training exercise to prepare students for invasions in war-

torn and radioactive zones.

Next month, renovations to Galbraith Hall will be complete, facilitating its use as a mock naval station once the surrounding moat is filled with water. RIMAC field will hold practice runs for openair battles, and the program has secured the canyon around Geisel for experimentation with guerilla warfare.

With a total campus enrollment of 35,821 as of Fall 2016, and only a fraction of those students belonging to the humanities department, the army will have to be small. Nonetheless, after Sierra magazine named UC San Diego “The Seventh Coolest School” in the nation in 2015, applications have increased threefold. Wanting to increase enrollment but lacking the room, UCSD seemed to be caught in a Catch-22.

However, the construction of a seventh college might be the answer, since the college could function as both barracks and an armory.

Students are expressing concern over this revelation, especially as the army’s purpose is yet unknown. Leonard Tolsky, a communications major, had many thoughts on the topic: “This world already has so much war, and peace is what we need now. We need to say farewell to arms and, instead, welcome education.

However, without an increase of funding for the arts and humanities, any kind of recruitment for them seems futile.

I almost can’t believe UCSD would be so traitorous.”

TOP Ten

U

Ways to Make This Unpaid Internship Worthwhile

PHOTO By lawrence lee

The motorcyclist looked worried. Khosla slyly grinned and chuckled, “Looks like you brought a hog to a hog fight.”

The former Geek Squad employee has stated that he has enjoyed hog riding with the club members and especially enjoys his new pay.

“This is a step up,” said the Geek. “The pay is far better, I really feel included in the activities, and the meetings are much more interesting than those boring conferences that I had to attend previously. And they actually do some of the stuff they say. I don’t have to wait three years to fix a TV that is permanently stuck on PBS. I’m glad I don’t have to wear those tacky blue polo shirts anymore. Hell, sometimes I can be shirtless when I ride the hogs. There are also fewer arguments over promotions or bathroom stalls.”

Last Thursday, reporters received an email from Papa John’s, expressing that UCSD had broken the records for the most orders of Extra Cheesy Crust Deluxe Pizza with All the Toppings™ in under a month.

“We actually had never received an order for the Extra Cheesy Crust Deluxe Pizza with All the Toppings™ before! We included it in the menu as a joke,” said tearyeyed Larry, manager for the La Jolla Papa Johns.

After these interviews, reporters decided to ask the Treasurer of UCSD about the funds, who responded to questions by giving reporters a piece of white copy paper that had differential equations on one side and the word “YOLO” written on the back side.

The 20,000 dollars that was spent does not include the money the university spends paying for collateral damage caused by this congregation of people: paying people to go said fundraisers does the opposite of raising funds. They even set up a Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime accounts with the university’s money just to see which one carried the newest season of Modern Family first.

As to what the future holds for this very quirky group, their acting chief Gwynnifer explained, “I don’t know man, we just get the funds from a university staff member who’s always knocking on our door, and why would we say no to money for free hog rides?”

10. Finally earn that second accented “e” in resume 9. Learn how to stalk people on LinkedIn 8. Steal Post-It notes and paper clips and fashion them into a handmade paycheck 7. Intentionally leak the blueprints to the imperial battlestation they’re building 6. Move your desk over an inch a day until it’s down the block at the coffee shop. They’ll never know 5. Over the course of several months, steal keys from keyboards until you have enough to make a new keyboard to sell on eBay 4. Attempt to organize a potluck every day, but don’t bring food to it 3. Hire your own unpaid intern and have them do all your work 2. Replace the office coffee with decaf and watch it all come crashing down 1. Actually learn something, you asshole

February 8, 2017

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Page 9

7.1 Earthquake Downgraded to 6.8, Lost Points for Style

Trump Places Gag Order on the Newly-Hired Alternative Fact Finder

PHOTO By barak tzori

“At this rate, we’ll be reverted back to sixteenth century knowledge by midday,” said interim Fact Finder Jerry Higgins.

By Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor

P

PHOTO By jen windsor

After it’s performance, the earthquake was partially marked down because the judges’ table was still standing afterwards.

by Daniel Melnick Staff Writer

H

onduras suffered a crushing blow this morning, as a local earthquake lost 0.3 points from its original score in a rare case of score revision, leading to claims of judge bias. The new score bumped the earthquake from a New York Times front page headline all the way down to the Number 17 spot on BuzzFeed’s “20 Most Disastrous Earthquakes You’ve Never Heard Of” article.

Hondurans expressed indignation at the fact that their earthquake was downgraded, stating earthquakes hailing from more popular locales did not receive such harsh treatment.

“Sorry we don’t have the resources or funds of those fancy California earthquakes, and we’re not as exotic or interesting as those Southeast

Asian quakes,” remarked Honduran resident Marco Gonzalez. “We just have honest, hardworking earthquakes. No frills.”

When asked why the earthquake lost points, judges pointed to lack of style. Russ Geller, a judge for the competition, specified that the earthquake’s subsequent aftershocks seemed desperate.

“It just made the earthquake appear clingy,” explained Geller. “It was like it knew its performance was mediocre, and it felt the need to reassert itself. But it just came back weaker and weaker.”

There were also suspicions of performance-enhancing disaster (PED) use, as a tsunami hit the Central American nation shortly after the quake, although judges and competition ethics officials would not confirm the allegations.

“We take all instances of

PED use seriously,” read a statement released by competition officials, “and if any evidence of an earthquake using other disasters to better its own performance is found, we will investigate the case and punish those responsible accordingly. But we currently have no concrete evidence of such foul play.”

Local Hondurans also lamented the judges’ decision because of the attention a 7.0+ magnitude earthquake would have brought to the oft-forgotten developing country, which has yet to win an earthquake competition.

“We really could have used the Facebook fame,” explained Gonzalez. “Those likes and crying emoji reactions were all we had. What are we supposed to eat now?” For its part, international disaster relief agency the Burgundy Cross leapt into action, promising several deliveries of stale Pop Tarts

and half a can of tuna in the coming weeks.

Though the earthquake may not have impressed the judges, residents still defended the besieged natural disaster, claiming it was effective, regardless of what the judges and international community thought.

“I thought it was a heck of an earthquake. I mean, it knocked my whole house over!” exclaimed Honduran resident Anita Salazar in an interview. “I mean, sure, it didn’t take everything I own, like some of the top tier earthquakes, but I still had to move my family into the refugee camp until we can rebuild our home. So, hey, at least it was worth something, right?”

The earthquake could not be reached for comment, but at time of production it was seen training, presumably preparing for another run at the title.

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According to our head EPA guy, we’re going to blow up all the goddamn boulders. There will be no more boulders once we’re done with them. First we’re gonna take care of the big ones, and we won’t stop until we destroy all the little ones too.

resident Trump has enacted another gag order, this time on official D.C. Fact Finder Jerry Verum early Tuesday morning, silencing Verum from communicating with the public and the press. This order comes after Verum was, according to press secretary Spicer, “unable to meet his quota of alternative facts found. Seriously, guys, why are your hands up right now? That was perfectly legitimate answer. You should be ashamed of yourselves. No real media outlet asks questions when presented with a legitimate answer.”

Verum, who only served in an official capacity for a week, has since been unreachable through social media, and was unavailable for comment on the details surrounding the sudden order, making it difficult to determine exactly why he was silenced. In an effort to shed light on the events surrounding Verum’s brief career, investigators are retracing his movements leading up to last Tuesday, and have so far uncovered several email and phone correspondences, a daily schedule for the week, and three hardcover copies of Judy Blume’s “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.”

Verum’s Google search history has also been leaked by an unknown source, and is being studied by several journalists and news networks for any possible information.

Out of the searches released, queries of particular interest include “largest amount of space that a person can possibly take up,” “how many people could fit on the Washington lawn if they were all making grass angels,” “how do error bars work in crowd estimates,” and “alternative forms of counting that make the numbers bigger??????”

Several of Verum’s closest friends and a few people he was in contact with leading up to Tuesday have also come forward for interviews about their interactions with him. Brenda Guerrero, an EPA

worker, seemed very confused by his line of questioning when he called her Monday morning.

“He seemed really distressed,” she reported. “He was very fixated on this theory that an increase in numbers, if measured differently, could also be a decrease in numbers, and asked me if that was sufficient to make something that seemed to have a strong positive correlation actually have a negative one. After I responded that I didn’t think that was how measurements work, he just asked me how likely it was that CO2 was just a myth and that it didn’t actually exist. I told him it wasn’t very likely.”

Verum’s friends and family have all commended him on his strong work ethic, and were shocked to hear about the gag order.

“I just don’t understand why anyone would be dissatisfied with whatever it was he found,” explained his wife, Shannon Verum. “He would always work tirelessly, and late into the night every day, as if he was glued to his computer. Although, it did seem like the task he was assigned was near impossible. No matter how much he searched and researched, it seemed like he could never find what he was looking for.”

Interim D.C. Fact Finder Jerry Higgins released a statement late Tuesday night in response to the gag order, claiming, “There are a lot of possible explanations for Verum’s break from communicating with people in any form, and we’re currently looking for the best one. For all we know, he could have developed a sudden cold that made him sound like a witch and would have scared children if he were to give a press conference.

“I prefer to think that Verum enacted this gag order on himself in order to take some time for self-reflection and internal meditation,” Higgins continued philosophically. “There’s really no way to ever know what happened to him, or his opinions on the matter.”

At press time, Verum was still unavailable for comment on Higgins’ statement.

Articles and News Seven Ways Capitalism Can Fix Global Warming, Even Though It Definitely Doesn’t Exist in the First Place Even if those babbling climate change extremists are right about global warming, what this world needs to fix it is some good, clean, aggressive capitalism. Learn how completely unregulated, profitdriven markets are guaranteed to eliminate CO2 levels, and cool the earth just the right amount. oil

Additional Resources

The Importance of Water for the Environment oil Water is critical for all life on earth. Covering two thirds of the earth’s surface, water oil was used by the Romans to represent life itself. oil Water is distributed to life on land through a delicate oil water cycle, making its purity vital for life to continue.

Are Trees Really a Part of the Environment?

Despite what most of the general public will tell you, we don’t actually know if trees are an important addition to the environment, or just freeloaders trying to hijack its resources. We plan to get to the bottom of this problem, and cut all of them down immediately once we find out the truth.

Smash, Marry, Kill. Go.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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February 8, 2017

Hopeless Romantic Ignores 13th Straight Tinder Match

Trump’s First International Tour Our great president, in his wisdom, has decided to grace other countries with his presence. This is a first for any president in the living memory of any one-year-old child.

President Trump not only used this trip as a way to honor all of our allies, but as a way to intimidate our enemies as well, and vice versa. Here is a a small look into the new America in world politics, or what Trump’s calling his “super fun international vay-cay.”

Pross regretted throwing out suitor number 872 after seeing the sick flip he did on the way down.

By Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor

L

eading up to the annual February 14 rush of loveseeking that most call Valentine’s Day, Alex Pross downloaded the popular dating app Tinder, in hopes of spending the love-making holiday with “one or maybe two honeys between satin sheets.”

“I’ve been single for nearly two years now,” Pross said, glancing up from her phone screen. “And one-night stands just aren’t doing it for me anymore — I want somebody to buy me dinner before plowing my field.”

Pross spends upwards of two hours a day weighing the merits of each potential match before ultimately making the reluctant deci-

sion to swipe right. However, the search for “the one” has proven to be fruitless thus far, with barely 18 people having messaged Pross within the last day.

“I thought we would get along fairly well,” said Samantha Beckett, the ninth straight match that Pross ignored on January 28. “Her anthem was listed as Nelly Furtado’s ‘I’m Like a Bird,’ and I just knew we had to get into contact. I can tell they’re looking for something more serious because it wasn’t the sonic sexual energy that is ‘Promiscuous.’

“And it’s so hard to find something more these days," she said, "what with all of the notifications I get from the no less than four dating apps I use. It’s hard to know which one notification in

the stream of constant validation could be the forever validation.”

Pross has criticized Tinder for not doing more to facilitate the process of romance; however, Tinder is doing its best to ensure that Pross meets the Romeo to her Juliet, the Sonny to her Cher, the Bon to her Iver.

“We have to constantly remind Ms. Pross that for the low, low price of one response, she can find the one who will light her groin and heart aflame,” said VP of Figurative Fires Jason Lemings.

“Of the 26 million matches we help to find a day, 12 of them end up dating — I’m doing the math and that means she could be one of them.

“Love is a lot like the lottery, in that I don’t get paid

PHOTO By jessica ma

if you don’t play the game — or something.”

Acquaintances say that Pross’s inability to find love is “so heartbreaking” that it’s causing the relationships of those around her to fail, causing “Please, I can’t do better” to become the number one message written in cards between couples for this year’s boning day.

At press time, it appeared that love was in the air as Pross told reporters that her heart went aflutter as she “finally found the one” in David Groff. Pross was seen spending an inordinate amount of time crafting the perfect start to her bildungsroman of love. After prodding Pross to reveal the message, journalists noted that Pross’s correspondence with Groff read: “Hey.”

Citing the spirit of fairness, President Trump chose a starting country for the tour at random. In a happy coincidence, he happened to select the United States, jokingly remarking that “it was our strong borders that kept me in.”

In President Trump’s travels to Egypt, Brazil, and Italy, the president made sure to respect all of the local customs and rituals of each country as he visited all of their most holy landmarks.

Confused Man Awakens from VR, Tries Gaming in Real Life President Trump experienced the Oriental flavors of China by making sure to visit an authentic Chinese restaurant. After complimenting China’s unique tastes, the shining star of the United States gave the head chef a signed headshot to hang among other distinguished leaders like Xi Jingping and Mao Zedong.

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

“GG,” Ambrose said as he was being shoved into a police car.

By Nadia Link

A

Staff Writer

fter falling asleep from playing in VR for a week straight, 27-year-old Kurt Ambrose woke up confused and in a crazed state in his bedroom, believing that he was still playing in a VR world.

Throughout the course of the day, he attacked several people, stole a car, smashed all the clay pots at a local nursery, and, at one point, even attempted to eat old food he found lying around.

“I had no idea what was happening,” stated Amy Ilian, owner of the nursery.

“He just walked into my shop and started throwing all the pots at the ground, getting more and more frustrated.

He literally destroyed every single one. It was seriously the weirdest, most wasteful thing I’ve ever seen done to pots, and it didn’t even involve the DEA.” Among Ambrose’s assault victims was local man Nate

Patrick Chambers, who was reportedly walking his dog when Ambrose ran at him and punched him in the neck.

When Chambers shouted at him to stop, Ambrose called him a “filthy casual” and proceeded to “teabag” the fallen man while “laughing maniacally.” Chambers subsequently punched Ambrose in the groin, incapacitating Ambrose and allowing Chambers to escape. Ambrose eventually managed to hobble away while accusing Chambers of being "scripting trash."

Around 2:00 p.m., Ambrose was spotted behind a local Applebee’s, appearing to be searching for food. He emerged from the dumpster carrying what seemed to be an old to-go box. Shortly after ingesting the moldy agglomeration, he reportedly attacked a parked car. When the driver stepped out of the vehicle to confront him, Ambrose barfed on the victim, then drove off.

In the late afternoon, a winded Ambrose was ap-

prehended by police officers while preparing to jump off of a 12-story building into a pile of hay. He was subsequently sedated, and had his statement taken once he recovered.

“Good God this place sucks,” Ambrose commented.

“I always knew video games were kind of an escape from this shithole, but damn. In video games I can do parkour, be a sniper elite, and eat a ton of junk food and somehow get health. Here, I can’t even run without feeling like I’m gonna pass out.”

Many of the locals affected

by Ambrose’s actions have now called for a permanent ban of all video games, in the interest of preventing future incidents.

“I think it’s clear now, video games make people violent,” said local woman Ana Winer.

“They’re the cause of most of the problems in the world. I mean, yeah, some of the most violent places in the world don’t have video games ... but that’s beside the point!”

Online gaming commu-

nities, on the other hand, have praised Ambrose as a hero. One redditor with the username n00b5lay3r1337 posted, “Ambrose had the courage to do what we all wanted. He actually lived it, the absolute madman. We are ALL Ambrose on this blessed day.”

Ultimately, Ambrose could face jail time for his actions.

“It sucks, man,” he lamented.

“Like, it wasn’t even really that fun. I mean, yeah, I really liked feeling like I could do whatever I wanted, but everything just resulted in me getting sick or frustrated. Like, there’s actual consequences for my actions?

Why’s reality gotta be shitty like that, man?”

A gaming journal reporter asked Ambrose to rate reality as if it was a game, to which Ambrose replied, “I dunno, like, a four? The gameplay was repetitive, the cops were super OP, and no one seemed to be having any fun. And don’t even get me started on the graphics.”

In honor of the 72nd anniversary of D-Day, Trump visited the beaches of Normandy to respect the fallen troops.

Here Mr. President participated in a reenactment of the attacks, taking the role of a fallen American soldier.

As Trump flew home to the White House, he wrapped up his presidential visits by visiting the airspace of several other countries, including Germany and France. Pictured here, Trump visits the Ukraine, trying to change the channel on the country's un-American border policies which restrict the Russian forces from legally occupying Crimea.

February 8, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 11

Legion of Doom Mourns Fidel Castro, Florence Henderson

Scientists Claim Tectonics are Pushing Sixth College Away at Rate of Nail Growth

By Brandon Moguel

Staff Writer eanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, the recent passing of both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and the Matriarch of “The Brady Bunch,” Florence Henderson, came as a shock to fellow members.

Following the critical skewering of Batman and Superman’s crossover movie, the Legion of Doom had been riding a high note, but the death of two of its most popular members has sent the fearsome formation reeling. In light of this tragic loss, the gang called a special meeting to mourn this dastardly duo gone too soon.

Billionaire philanthropist and alopecia-survivor Lex Luthor, took the podium and began his eulogy of the two.

“The reason I’ve called you all here, other than to destroy Superman of course,” he began, “is to celebrate the life of two titans of evil and mayhem, who supported us throughout the decades: Fidel and Florence.

“Oh, Fidel,” he continued.

“Now there was a man committed to evil. All he wanted was to be a baseball player, but when that didn’t work out, he settled for dictator. This man almost sparked a nuclear war, killed thousands of his own people by firing squad, and damaged inumberable more with second-hand smoke. We certainly had our differences when it came to politics, but I always knew we could count on him for support, like the time we were sued when Lucasfilm claimed that the design of our Hall was trademark infringement.

“And Florence, now there’s

M

PHOTO By katherine wood

“Finally,” said one Sixth College student. “A campus as cracked and broken as I am.”

By David Vereau Gorbitz Staff Writer

S PHOTO By connor gorry

Henderson and Castro reportedly had an active rivalry in the Legion of Doom after the day both of them brought brownies to the potluck. a story of a lovely lady,” Luthor reminisced. “Her portrayal of a doting mother on ‘The Brady Bunch’ was merely a facade to cover her evil intentions.

The truth is, Florence was glad Marsha could never be a teen model. In fact, the only thing she loved in that house was the vase Peter broke in Season 2 Episode 8. Because of Florence, to this day, the housekeeper is still trapped in the center square.”

Mr. Luther eventually wrapped up his heartfelt eulogy and invited the rest of the Legion to say a few words.

Eyewitnesses said that the rest

of the villains seemed too distraught to offer anything more; Captain Cold seemed “frozen in grief” and the Riddler could be heard mumbling between sobs, “I never guessed I’d have to deal with this kind of loss”.

Solomon Grundy, who was unable to attend the service due to scheduling conflicts, released a statement through his agent, saying, “Solomon Grundy is heartbroken by the news of Fidel Castro and Florence Henderson’s untimely passing. It is times like these that Solomon Grundy reflects on the ephemeral nature of existence. It is said that death

itself is an aspect of life; a necessary ebb and flow in nature’s course, a constant yet delicate dance between construction and destruction that serves as an unwavering reminder of our own mortality and the folly of humanities’ conceit. Solomon Grundy should know. After all, Solomon Grundy is dead."

The Super Friends also released a statement saying that they intend to give the Legion the proper time and distance to go through the grieving process, adding that “doing anything else would not be super friendly.”

Numbers Outlawed

by Executive Order

Middle School Sex Ed Class Ends with Cliffhanger, “To Be Continued” in High School

stranger briefs Pro-Trump Starbucks Boycotter Goes on A Yerba Mate Run

Tree Asked for Political Beliefs, Doesn’t Answer, Is a Tree

University of North Carolina student Derek Davis found himself without a sustainable source of caffeine to continue his “downvoting” after declaring a boycott against Starbucks. In his dire need for energy, Davis opted for Argentinean-made, allorganic, leaf-infused drink Yerba Mate.

“I’m sick of these companies not putting America first!” Davis railed against Starbucks’ decision to hire refugees, citing it as “unAmerican, and probably inorganic. “From now on I’m only putting my money towards my own interests.”

Davis is only a small cog in the movement across the country to boycott corporations with globalist interests in the name of small American-made products, as people everywhere are realizing that the only way to demonstrate their true outrage against outsiders is by buying imported products not tainted by America’s ideals of multiculturalism.

“This week I bought locally farmed produce, American-blown mason jars, and Alaskan cod ceviche,” Davis explained. “Let’s see Soros get his dirty money hands on those!”

Getting in his American-made red-, white-, and blue-painted Dodge Grand Caravan, Davis drove to the farmer’s market to get his “Yerba fix.”

“The left has become out of touch,” finished Davis, brushing hand-pressed teabiscuit crumbs off his raw denim jeans. “With all their hippie cars, and fancy ‘organic’ food, drinking their fancy drinks and not listening to the opinions of mass Americans.”

A local 30-year-old spruce tree going by the name “NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE RESIDENCE” was found loitering in a San Diego suburb late Thursday night. When asked its opinion on recent political events, the tree refused to comment, and simply rustled its leaves repeatedly to drown out reporters’ questions. Reporters had difficulty obtaining much information from the reticent spruce, though they were able to ascertain after several hours of interview that it was, in fact, a tree.

Local San Diego environmental activists were outraged by the tree’s inaction, claiming that they deserved at least some praise and devotion from the trees they tried so hard to protect.

“We fight day in and day out for these trees,” stated Sarah Drevo, a local tree sympathizer. “You would think they [the trees] would be able to show a little bit of appreciation for our efforts, but when push comes to shove, you can never count on a tree. They never fail to let you down. Honestly, fuck trees.”

A local biologist was asked what was causing this unusual phenomenon of politically inactive trees, but all they could muster up was, “What? You know trees can’t talk, right?” before running down a hallway in a panic to research which islands are physically the farthest from any civilization.

At press time, a stressed reporter was overheard groaning after listening to an interview with a particularly stubborn tree that turned out to be around 2.5 hours of white noise.

An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances.

The order came after extensive unrest that the Trump administration attributed to “confusion about all of these numbers being thrown around,” and specified that any use of numbers by citizens, especially members of “the media” was punishable by a minimum prison sentence of a finite amount of years.

So far, a number of reporters have been arrested for breaking the order, and it is expected that a larger value of reporters will be arrested by the end of the week.

The order currently has a deadline in the year after this one in a month between March and May, but can be extended to a date further in the future if necessary.

City officials are working on changing street signs to not include any numbers, and have been given what was reported as a “hard deadline” of “a moderate number of days from now.”

The order has also effectively stopped all dialogue on minimum raise requirements, as people search for new ways to define monetary values through various pictures and hand motions.

New wage restrictions are predicted to be established by mid-June, as soon as a new standardized system of counting and paper currency is established.

In other news, the Falcons won the Super Bowl with a value of points that was greater than the Patriots, and tomorrow is supposed to be a mild but slightly cold amount of degrees.

Graduating students from Margaret “Mayge” Farenhart Middle School completed the first half of the school district’s two-course sex ed program, which initially builds anticipation and then subsequently presents the course material.

“They’ve really got us on the ropes,” remarked eighth grade student Jim Hendrickson. “I was really excited to learn how to put on a condom, but they only covered finding the ideal tearing point on the wrapper.”

To build tension and interest, the first course poses various expository questions, such as: “why do we need consent and protection?” “what should you do with your hands?” and “what’s the most important thing to keep in mind when having sex?”

Each of these questions sparked lively and open discussion amongst the students in the class, a behavior the school cites as proof of the curriculum’s effectiveness.

“It’s very rare to see such engaged discourse at an eighth grade level,” said Elle Fitgroll, a sexual education teacher. “I can’t wait to see their faces when we tell them the answer to the last question is to ‘Have fun.’”

The majority of students that completed the first course showed a strong interest in continuing onto the second one.

“I honestly can’t wait until high school,” said student Jon Dolher. “It’s not often a class is so thoroughly interesting, with all the crazy twists and whatnot.

“But when do we learn how to use fleshlights? The one I have didn’t come with instructions.”

cientists have finally come forward to say in their own words what everyone was thinking: “Sixth College is simply TOO far away.” A confidential scientific source has explained that, due to tectonic movement, Sixth College is being pushed further away from the rest of campus.

“You see, the Pacific tectonic plate is being pushed upwards, and this clashes with the North American tectonic plate. This causes mini-tremors that push some areas of the land,” explained Obediah Trifilio, a first-year undeclared student trying to get into the Geology major.

Trifilio supplied evidence, explaining that he had classes at 8:00 a.m. in Pepper Canyon Hall three days a week, and that his morning walk now takes him 16 minutes, as opposed to the 13 minutes it took him during the 2016 fall quarter. Rosa Williams, a friend of Trifilio’s, added: “Classes in Pepper Canyon hall might as well be a commute from ERC, and visiting friends that live in Sixth seems like going on a three day expedition.”

Joseph Betrem, an engineering student living in Muir College, explained how he struggled because of these tectonic movements.

“Last Saturday, I went to visit my friend Nickolas in his room at Sixth," Betrem said, "and we decided to watch the Laker’s game and then play some Call of Duty with his roommates. By the time we were done, I was so exhausted I decided to take an Uber back to the other side of campus. It was just not worth

the effort to go back,” said Betrem. “I did not want to leave at 6:00 p.m. to arrive at my room 30 minutes later. I mean, it’s almost comparable to the walk down to the beach, and I already do that twice a week!”

Scientists have recently discovered some alarming facts.

New information suggests that, at the current rate, a space large enough to house a completely new college will open up on UCSD’s campus by 2024.

According to Chancellor Khosla, he is already “on top of it,” saying: “Seventh College plans are already underway. It will be the best college ever designed. We are planning on including a residence hall with a pool on the top floor, and we are also negotiating so that we can include an In-n-Out that will accept Dining Dollars as a dining hall. It is going to be the best college ever. It will be huge, very pretty, and will have better housing than any other residence hall on campus.”

Sixth College student Andrew Loras responded to the new facts saying, “Look, I just wanted to live on-campus with my friends, and Sixth was the only place that we were offered.” He then quickly left to purchase another parking permit for his class in Peterson Hall on Tuesdays.

Finally, a UCSD representative has responded to the complaints about Sixth’s distance in an announcement, stating they have picked a new name for Sixth College “to distract — I mean alleviate any concerns from this matter.” After 2017, Sixth College will be named after famous explorer Thomas Orwell Farr, becoming the T. O. Farr College.

TOP Ten

Things that Should Replace Obamacare 10. The Affordable Care Act 9. A lottery to see who gets to live 8. Funding for music and the arts. Ha! As if 7. Capitalism 6. Starting to vaccinate your kids, goddammit 5. Just have somebody roll up a cleric and you should be good 4. Box of Hello Kitty bandaids 3. A grudging acceptance of the scientific fact that the sun will expand to take up our planet, killing us all 2. “I played a couple games of 'Operation,' so I can deliver a baby” 1. Trumpdoesntcare

Funded by your tuition, suckers.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. themq.org | facebook.com/ucsdmq

Page 12

theMQ.org

Sunday Comics

February 8, 2017

Calvin and hobbes by Jen Windsor

family circus by Annie Nguyen

Time-Traveling Tim Learns to Draw by Hannah Rosenblatt

The Emperor has no closure by Barak Tzori

life with archie by Sage Cristal

Actually15CatsInATrenchcoat:

Seeking: Not 15 cats in a trenchcoat seeking partner who is also not 15 cats in a trenchcoat k

Dilbert by Matt Olson and Barak Tzori

Triton sphere x by Christopher Jin

swinderella

by Sage Cristal