The MQ Volume 23 Issue 5 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

I know Mom’s good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I’ve been there. I’ve been inside and looked around. I know she’s great. — Blue Ivy Carter

Flip it over for the B-sides.

March 15, 2017

Professor Unable to Connect to Projector, Unable to Lecture

Volume XXIII Issue V

In This issue spicer’s t.v. actually just two sock puppets

can you survive the old testament?

ucsd murder mystery

6,7 9

cheat sheet for every test letters to the editor

News in Brief PHOTO By jacob aguirre

After refusing help from the students for the fourth time, the professor again tried to find the mysterious “HDMI” inside his computer. By Sage Cristal

Assistant Content Editor

ast Monday, David Queology, a professor at UCSD, told reporters that he completely lost his ability to lecture that morning due to irreparable technical difficulties. Queology reported that he had arrived at his 9 a.m. lecture anticipating that he would cover an entire chapter’s worth of information, but was met with “sorrow and utter disappointment” after his MacBook

Pro would not connect to the classroom’s projector. “For some reason he couldn’t get his HDMI cordplugged into his computer,” said Jane Gordon, one of Queology’s students. “He spent the first ten minutes of class restarting his computer over and over again to try to get his slides to project. That’s not how that works.” Students described their professor as becoming visibly frustrated by the ineffectiveness of restarting his computer,

but he refused to stop trying. “Professor Q took the projector remote, pointed it at the projector screen like it was a TV, and started mashing the power button,” Jason Evry, another one of Queology’s students, told reporters. “Like, has this dude ever seen a projector before? I mean, it didn’t work the first time he did it, so why did he keep doing it?” After that, Queology reportedly picked up his laptop and held it above his head, in his words, as a way to “get the

internet working again.” “He literally held his computer up to the ceiling like it was a cell phone that lost service,” Gordon said. “It didn’t work at first, so he climbed onto one of the desks and started to wave his laptop back and forth. He did that for a good 20 minutes before getting sweaty and out of breath.” After his last attempt at getting his computer to connect to the projector,

See professor, page 2

Local Comedian Sure This Joke Will Make Trump Resign by Kavita Poduri

Staff Writer

ocal stand-up comedian Ashley Morrison wrote a new joke last Friday, which sources say is sure to force Trump to resign. Sources claimed that the joke was “savage,” that it “ripped Trump to shreds,” and that it “absolutely destroyed the man, just tore him apart at the seams, just atomized him completely and scattered his dust to the stellar winds and far galaxies — in a metaphorical sense, of course.” While the joke’s delivery has been limited to small shows around San Diego thus far, its success has not gone unnoticed in the national political discourse. Morrison, who has been touring the local comedy circuit for several years now and enjoying great success, devised the joke last week while tepidly watching CNN. Morrison then absently texted the joke to one of her friends. The friend responded enthusiastically, proclaiming that Morrison had “ended Trump for good.” Morrison, buoyed by her friend’s enthusiasm, began to integrate this joke into her routine, and preliminary tests seemed to indicate that it did in fact have the power to defeat the president. The joke has received a great deal attention from national pundits and political analysts, who are eager to see this joke in action; reports suggest that Morrison has tapped into a force that

“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Too Barf Ridden To Be Considered Green O’Drunkagain’s Pub in South Boston has reportedly refused service to longtime patron Sam Kennedy this St. Patrick’s Day, stating his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt could no longer be called green due to all the barf stains. Kennedy, who has worn the same shirt every St. Patrick’s Day since 2005, was shocked by the bar’s decision. “How could they do this to me?” Kennedy wailed at an exposed brick wall. “My whole Paddy’s Day was ruined. Every year I sit at the same seat, chat up the same woman who wants nothing to do with me, throw up two out of

the six pints of Guinness that I drink, then go home to sit in front of ‘Good Will Hunting,’ but just the Ben Affleck parts. “I mean, the whole day was like this nightmare. And I wanted to wake up, but nobody would pinch me.” Kennedy spent the better part of the day roaming the Boston streets in loathing and self-reflection until his second favorite bar opened at 11:30 a.m. There was one passerby who appreciated the shirt, saying, “He had this awful stench of bile and societal ostracism. Just like my grandfather, and God knows he was Irish.”

Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”

PHOTO By connor gorry

Waiting backstage to follow Morrison’s “devastating” joke as the headlining act, Trump was heard saying he was ready to “Gallagher this sucka.” American politics has never seen before. “Remember the way ‘The Daily Show’ tore Bush apart?” one pundit asked. “That’s what we’re hoping for, but even bigger. After all, Bush only ended up serving two terms!” Despite this, Morrison reported some degree of anxiety on the subject. “I mean, there’s no way he can keep being president after this,” she said, shifting nervously. “But what if it doesn’t work?

I’ve tried everything: making fun of him, making fun of him harder, making fun of his personal qualities, making fun of his political choices — if this doesn’t do it, I’m at wit’s end.” Not all of Morrison’s friends were as enthusiastic. Some seemed less enthused, even lukewarm, about the whole affair. “I mean, it’s a pretty good joke,” said Zara Khan, one of Morrison’s more subdued friends. “It’s clever, I like it. But I don’t know, there’s

something about the way Ashley keeps making political jokes that is starting to bother some of us.” Khan then left, apologizing and saying she had a protest to attend. According to reports, Morrison intends to continue on as usual. Her joke will be delivered at her next stand-up performance, where experts anticipate it will call down a cosmic superbeing who will then forcibly remove Trump from office.

Goliath never saw it coming

Attempt to crossbreed humans and pugs great success

David never saw again

Also great mistake

Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m honestly shocked,” said Matalazano. “I knew all about how the Torah was the Old Testament, but I had no idea that Jesus’ arrival caused so much hoo-ha creating all these ‘differences.’” Matalazano reportedly was also unaware that the Qu’ran was not just “the Bible’s less popular and less well-written sequel.” “I was taught two things in Sunday school: 1) condoms only work 30 percent

of the time and 2) that we Catholics practiced the original and most important religion,” said Matalazano. “I’m not saying I don’t respect other religions; I just didn’t know they were so different.” Matalazano decided to address his ignorance by researching other religions. His research primarily consisted of asking his Jewish friends questions such as, “Wait, so why is Jesus not the best? … in your eyes, of course.” According to Matalazano’s Indian roommate, he has not yet discovered that Hinduism is not just “worshipping God but with more arms and cows.”

Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular songs thus far. “It’s a carefully curated selection,” said Jennifer Brand, the “Jen” of the sibling pair. “We heavily valued audience favorability, and it shows in the songs.” “We have to nail a particular musical voice in our debut,” said Victor Brand, the “Eric” of the brother and sister combo. “Any new listeners will immediately ‘get’ our quintessence with this record.” The duo plans to heavily tour to promote the record.

“We’ve only had two short gigs before — seven, eight songs each?” said Jen. “Hopefully, we at least play the full album every show.” The 13-song album opens with the spoken word “Enterlude,” follows with eight covers (three Disney, two of The Beatles, Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” Handel’s “Messiah Part II,” and Five For Fighting’s “Superman”), transitions to three originals (the soulful “Love You,” the mellow electronic ballad “Sad We Broke Up,” and the upbeat “Quit Your Jobs For Love!”), and closes with “Enterlude (Reprise).”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

March 15, 2017

James Cameron to Film All Four “Avatar” Sequels in One Take

continued from page 1:

Professor

Queology called the IT Service Desk and asked a representative to help him get his laptop to “work like it did when my son helped me.” Lola Delgado, a UCSD IT Service employee, told reporters that she was unable to assist Queology when she first arrived to the scene, because Queology was unable to coherently express the issues he was having with his computer. “He was telling me that he got some kind of a virus on his computer after he was awarded a Best Buy gift card for being the 1,000,000th viewer of a porn website.” Delgado said. “Then he told me that his eight-year-old son had ‘broken the Wi-Fi’ at his home earlier in the week, and asked me if that was what caused his computer to be unable to con-

nect to the projector.” After spending five minutes working with Queology’s computer, Delgado told reporters that she discovered that Queology’s laptop did not have an HDMI adaptor, and was therefore unable to connect to the overhead projector, at which point class had ended. Following this incident, Queology sent out a mass email to his students that detailed the reason for his computer’s ineptitude. The email also stated that class would resume on Thursday, and that students can expect a successful and worthwhile lecture. Until then, Queology has uploaded Monday’s PowerPoint slides about “Natural Language Processing in Modern Computer Architecture” onto TritonEd.

TOP Ten

Reasons to Start Smoking

PHOTO By lawrence lee

What’s more impressive than watching four James Camerons film at once is watching all four of them fit inside a submarine. By Cole Greenbaun

Content Editor irector James Cameron has announced today that not only will he film all four “Avatar” sequels back to back starting this summer, but he will also be filming all four films in one continuous take in order to “push the boundaries of cinema and get this all wrapped up before dinner.” “The long take is a staple of cinema since the 50s with Orson Welles’ ‘Touch of Evil’ and today with films such as ‘Birdman,’” yelled Cameron as he climbed the side of Mount Fuji blindfolded. “But I plan to bring this to the next level by filming all four films, all 12 hours, all at once in one take. This has never been done before, and I know, I checked extensively to make sure I was the first. I mean if I don’t get a medal that says ‘First Ever’ what's even the point? Artistic

vision? Fuck that.” Production of the films is set to start July 27, 2017 and set to end July 27, 2017. The stars of the film have said this will put a large strain on them, especially Sam Worthington, who fell into a coma after doing voice work for Call of Duty Black Ops II in 2012 and hasn’t woken up since. “Look, if I’m doing all four films in one long take, I’m doing it in one take. I don’t care how hard it is on the actors,” said Cameron, smirking as he loaded himself into a cannon aimed at the moon. “They call me One Take Drake, they call me. One take and we are done. No room for mistakes and no room for any questions. Nope, it’ll be perfect, and that's the bottom line of the final straws.” Public opinion has been mixed since the announcement of the four sequels,

with many people criticizing Cameron’s ambition. One critic called it “foolhardy,” saying, “The first one was basically Space ‘Pocahontas.’ I don’t see how there’s four more films worth of material here. I mean, Disney’s ‘Pocahontas’ couldn’t even make it past a direct-to-VHS sequel, let alone 12 hours of Sam Worthington’s smurfed-up, saltine cracker face spacedocking with a tree.” In order to follow up the 2009 film, one of the first CGI heavy films, Cameron has spent the last eight years researching new technology to make the sequels even better. Originally Cameron planned on producing no piece of media for 10 years in order to find the “next big thing,” but it was shortened to eight years after he was introduced to the concept of the internet in 2015. “It will be amazing. We

will use revolutionary technology unlike anything ever seen in order to complete all four films at once,” said Cameron, mainlining cocaine and shotgunning a beer while falling out of a plane parachuteless. “Not only will we be using real Avatars in order to circumvent CGI, but we will also be using a memory card big enough for 12 hours of 8K, 240fps, 4D footage. Amazing!” While “Avatar V” will be released 2023, Cameron hinted that he had ideas for more beyond the sequels. “Let’s just say I’m in talks to bring Arnold [Schwarzenegger] and Leonardo [Dicaprio] in as some familiar faces from some of my films. Wink, wink,” said Cameron. “Now excuse me, I have to eat this entire Cinnabon and make it to Terminal D before my flight leaves. It’s just another crazy eventful day in the life of James Cameron, ha HA!”

10. To prove anti-smoking advertising doesn’t work on you 9. Injecting is getting old 8. To get that raspy and gravelly singing voice you need in the country music business 7. Dinosaurs didn’t smoke, and look where it got them 6. The faster you die, the faster you’ll screw over the loan sharks 5. You just turned 21, so now you can legally do it ... again 4. Ingesting nicotine patches just isn’t doing it for you 3. You really like paying taxes 2. You’ve got nothing better to do with your pile of cigarettes now that prison currency has changed to bitcoin 1. Vaping isn’t cool anymore Lobster Bisque for the Satirical Soul.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor.............Sage Cristal Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood

Assistant Graphics Editor.............Jessica Ma Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Assistant Copy Editor...............Alex Vollhardt Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Soc/Pub Ottoman............Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Distribution Lieutenant.............Chris Doherty Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Mishelle Arakelion Andrew Buss Sarah Cain Kenny Cheng Daniel Chit Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz David Gorbitz Katie Hallsten Amin Fozi

Desperately trying to break the fourth wall.

Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Samprith Kalakata Leander Kanowski Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Chris Lee Nadia Link

Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy Annie Nguyen Jay Noonan Yash Pande Kavita Poduri Jerry Ramirez

Rohan Rangray Vida Sadeghi Angelica Sun Doni Tadesse Luke Tribble Sarah Wernher Michael Ye Samira Yeganegi

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2016 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I am continually amazed by the attention to detail and ability to scrutinize every little of piece of writing or graphic that we print. I’ve personally sat in on a couple of meetings where 10 or 15 minutes are devoted to tweaking a single joke, but I walked passed and overheard many more than that. This incessant pouring and re-pouring over of jokes, wordings, tones, graphics, and more shows. It shows in the paper and it shows in the people – each one of whom I am immensely grateful for. If you’re looking for something special this issue, I’d say start by admiring the specificity of the humor that these overworked, finals-ridden students put into each joke. Our next retiring editor this year is Jen. I know that Jen is a gift hilarity and generousity to everyone at The MQ, but she’s much more to me. Jen tells me my jokes are good when she knows better. Jen tells me it’s ok when I’m not in the mood to joke. Jen scoots over at four a.m. when I get back from production. So once more now and four thousand times in print – I love you.

Booster Club Thanks to Jen for bringing various Trader Joe’s novelties, midnight meatballs, and some festive cupcakes. Thank you to Daniel for the sweet saltwater taffy, David for the popcorn, and Lawrence for Penguin gummies. Finally, thanks especially to Jessica, Sage, Matt M, Chris J, and Hannah L for using so many of their Dining Dollars to keep us all caffeinated and contented.

theMQ.org

March 15, 2017

Page 3

Spicer Reveals T.V. to Be Just Two Interns With Sock Puppets

POINT

I’m Really Getting Tired of Penis Cakes at Bachelorette Parties By Sarah Draper

By Barak Tzori Editor-in-Chief

n anonymous White House spokesperson for the White House spokesperson revealed to the media this week that the television in the office of U.S. Press Secretary Sean Spicer is really just two interns holding up sock puppets behind a wooden frame. The comments outline Mr. Spicer’s television viewing practice and shed light on how he prepares for press briefings — or what he calls “Sermons on the Podium.” “First Sean digs a big scoop of popcorn out of the popcorn machine in his office,” the report explains. “After a couple of butter pumps he points that old Nokia phone we told him was a remote at the empty picture frame by his wall. That’s when Kathrin and Basil come in.” Kathrin Buvac, a Harvard Law graduate and current White House intern, squats under the curtain left of the frame and holds up the red sock with googly eyes. Meanwhile Basil Atwan, who was a clerk under three separate Ninth Circuit court judges, hides behind the empty bookshelf and holds the blue sock with the pipe-cleaner ears. “When Mr. Spicer wants to see what’s on the news, we make sure that the red sock is always beating up the blue sock,” Buvac professed. “Mr. Spicer likes a nice hero’s journey in his news, so Basil knows to fight back with the Democratic sock, but good always

PHOTO By jonathan funes

It was not long until Sean Spicer suspected the truth and checked to see if he too had an arm up his butt puppeting his every action. triumphs over evil in the end.” During the daytime the two interns can be observed interlocking sock puppets as if they were kissing on Spicer’s favorite show, “The Bold and the Beautiful.” “It’s on every day,” blue puppet master Atwan relays, “just before the press briefings. Mr. Spicer says the drama on the show is just like in the White House Briefing Room, with all the betrayal and lust.” “I want to say a few words before we start off today’s press briefing,” Spicer said before starting off yesterday’s press briefing. “Really, spoilers, but if you’re not caught up I suggest you get out of the

game. Did you see how Tube totally ruined Wool’s wedding plans with Argyle?” Besides entertaining Spicer when he gets bored of relating the actions and thoughts of the government to the people it governs, the two interns are also responsible for teaching the press secretary about topics he’ll be misleading the media about later. “On the weeks when it’s my turn I find it easiest to bring in props,” explained Atwan. “Like for our raid in Yemen — the Raggedy Ann doll represents the children we killed in their homeland, and the jack-in-the-box is the casket of the American

Navy SEAL we had to fly back to ours. The hard part is not punching him through the tv with the sock when he calls your show a success.” This week Buvac had the duty of explaining the rise in acts of antisemitism to her boss through the medium of puppetry. “Sure, it was tough, but I think that Elmo doll and the sock puppet with the yarmulke really got across.” At a press briefing today, in response to a question about anti-Semitism in the White House, Spicer replied, “There’s no way it could happen. That’s all for today. This briefing was brought to you by the shape ‘heart’ and the word ‘Jews.’”

Area Woman Petitions for Overseas Siblings to Become U.S. Citizens, Excited to Reunite in Two Decades

They say that stress ages you, but apparently immigration customs set you forward at least 20 years. By Summer Davis

Publicity Editor an Diego resident Minda Bennett recently completed the process for petitioning her two older siblings, Jose and Mellie Edualino, to join her in the U.S. Given the typical wait time for siblings of U.S. citizens hoping to receive a visa, the Edualino family has already reserved their plane tickets for when they will be able to move from the Philippines to the U.S., approximately 25 years from now. Bennett outlined the process of applying for a visa for her siblings. “First, you have to wait until you turn 21, presumably because the government knows this process would turn anyone into an alcoholic,” Bennett explained. “Then you have to fill out Form I-130, aptly referred to as the Petition for Alien Relatives, because God are my siblings weird, as well as Form I-485 to get them permanent resident status. That’s

assuming their applications are approved, of course. “Your siblings are entered into a list of people from their country with similar status,” Bennett continued. “Then you have 25 years to get your financial stuff in order before you can fill out Form I-864, which says you will support their transition. I plan on using that as leverage later on. Finally, at the end of it all, you say a prayer and hope President Trump isn’t in an Executive Order passing mood that day.” Visa backlogs like the one the Edualino family is dealing with are common in Mexico, China, India, and the Philippines. “The main issue is that the supply of visas isn’t commensurate with the demand from countries like the Philippines,” said Sarah Wahidi, an immigration policy expert and the CNN commentator who was voted “Most Likely to Cause President Trump to Yell at His

TV.” “This causes visa backlogs that can last up to 25 years in the countries with the highest demand. There’s also a correlation between high rates of undocumented immigration and long wait times, but of course that’s a problem that a wall surely won’t exacerbate.” “It’s not all bad,” Mellie Edualino said, pointing out a bright side to the U.S.’s immigration policy. “The law states that if I get married and have a family by the time I reach the front of the line, I can apply for a visa for them too! It will be a great college graduation gift for my future children.” When Mellie was asked what she was most looking forward to experiencing once reaching the U.S., she replied that she couldn’t wait to finally attend the annual Edualino family reunion. “It will be approximately our 38th reunion by the time I get to the U.S.!” she stated. “If my parents are still alive by the time I get off this

PHOTO By barak tzori

backlog,” Jose Edualino said, responding to the same question, “I’ll take my kids to meet them. If not, then maybe I’ll take them to Disney World. Though … considering where Florida will be in 25 years at this rate, maybe I should just take them to a basketball game or something.” Jose concluded with a glowing review of his immigration experience. “By the end of this process, I really gained respect for the reliability of the U.S. immigration system. You can trust it to consistently screw you over.” Minda Bennett is currently searching for quicker, alternative methods of reuniting with her family. “I’m looking into technology that allows people to swim across large bodies of water without tiring. It probably won’t be ready for another decade or two, but hey — that’s still sooner than my other option of lobbying for immigration reform.”

Bachelorette’s Weak Acquaintance

ook here, lady. I’ve seen penis cakes before. I’ve been to so many bachelorette parties in my life that I forget who half of them were even for. I mean, hell, I don’t even personally know the bride at this bachelorette party. I think she’s my half-brother’s sisterin-law? Anyways, I don’t care for penis cakes. To be honest, I don’t get why every celebration of a woman’s marriage has to be dick-themed. We get it; you like penises. I like my fair share of penises. But don’t you get bored of seeing so many penises in one day? I mean, I get home from work and all I see for the rest of the day is just cocks — cocks galore. Why can’t we eat cake with rainbows and flowers on them? Why do they always have to be schlongs? Aren’t bachelorette parties supposed to be a celebration of marriage? So why are we celebrating dicks? Like, you aren’t marrying a penis, Janet, you are marrying a personality. If I didn’t know better, I would think that you are being wed to your significant other’s castrated penis. I think we can all agree that penis cakes are just overdone. Like, where is the originality? In this year alone, I’ve eaten

slices from at least 32 different penis cakes. Not only are dick cakes repetitive, but they’re also super racist. All of the Black dick cakes I’ve seen are at least two inches bigger than the pinkish ones — and don’t even get me started on the Asian dicks. The last one I ate was green-tea flavored and it had a base layer of rice. I don’t know which bridesmaid chose this one, Janet, but let me know so I can have a talk with her about racial stereotypes in this country. I just don’t get why dick cakes are so popular. Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean you need to mourn your loss of sexual freedom with a phallic cake. (Hell, I know plenty of couples that got into the swinging scene almost right after tying the knot.) Please better yourself, and call me when you purchase a baked good that’s not in the shape of a willy.

COUNTERPOINT

I Didn’t Ask to Be Made By Triple-Chocolate Deluxxxe Penis Cake

xcuse me, Sarah, but you have no right to judge me. You don’t know anything about me. Do you know what it’s like to loathe yourself every moment of your waking existence, unable to stop from recreating the patriarchy you were born into? Oh wait, of course you know what it’s like to loathe yourself every day. Just look at the dress you chose to wear. It’s friggin’ hideous. But also, like, you are just passing the blame onto an object that cannot defend itself. Humankind is way more to blame for the systemic infliction and objectification of penises than all of cakekind. I have this one buddy who’s from the Costco bakery and he’s never had to deal with the kind of systemic bigotry that I’ve had to endure. He’s a goddamned vanilla cake with strawberry filling and that’s all he is. He’s never been screamed drunkenly at, shoved at a stripper, or been seen as anything other than a bakery item. But it’s not only penis cakes like myself that have to endure discrimination regularly. Some of my old buddies from my childhood turn out to be birthday cakes. Good for them, right? Wrong! Even birthday cakes go through this

shit show that you call “life.” One of my pals, Snow White Frosted Cake, is always called “pretty” and “cute,” but no one ever calls her “strong” or “smart.” And my buddy Batman Dark Chocolate Knight Cake is always called a “boy cake,” but they’re still figuring out their gender. It’s rough being a cake, but nothing is more agonizing than being a penis cake. Sure, my friends have it bad, but you don’t see feminists walking around and burning Cindy’s Fifth Birthday Cake in trash cans in order to “burn the patriarchy.” I know I don’t have much more time left in this world. So I just want to say that before you verbally abuse a victim of your fucked-up society, just imagine what it’s like to be me. Try to imagine what it’s like to walk a mile in my chocolatey sh— aaaAAAhHHHHHH. *gobble gobble*

This looks awfully familiar, doesn’t it?

THE MQ

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Page 4

theMQ.org

March 15, 2017

Clerical Error Results in Dog Being Neutralized

Liberals Call for ‘Full Commitment’ in National Celebration of Ides of March

PHOTO By jessica ma

Not pictured: the national security briefing Trump was supposed to be at while posing for this picture. by Alexandria Vollhardt

Assistant Copy Editor

D PHOTO By jessica ma

The fatal flaw of the project was that it did not have any air holes; the paper mache volcano’s lava couldn’t flow properly. By Matt Olson

Assistant Content Editor

cientists everywhere were shocked late last week when veterinarians at a PetSmart in Bakersfield were able to successfully neutralize a dog. The first operation of its kind, the neutralization was a total success, as vets were able to completely neutralize Bandit after a grueling eighteen hour operation, as well as a light face trim and a bath. Bandit was initially brought to the PetSmart by his owner, Timothy Miller, for a minor surgery. According to Miller, he had no idea that his dog was about to become a scientific miracle. “I just brought him in to be neutered,” said Miller. “I could have never imagined the situation was so severe. I mean, I’ve never even heard of a dog being neutralized. But that’s what the vet wrote down, so I’m guessing Bandit was probably in real danger. It says right here,” said

Miller, pointing to his dog’s medical chart. “If you squint, this word kind of says ‘neutralize,’ I think.” According to Vanessa Davis, the manager of the PetSmart, the staff wasn’t entirely sure how to approach the daunting task of neutralizing a dog. “To be honest, we’d never really done this before. There aren’t really guidelines for this sort of thing. We know how to neuter a dog of course, but neutralizing a dog is an entirely different story. Eventually, we realized this was far beyond our scope as simple veterinarians. We needed outside help. Luckily, Jim’s cousin works for NASA, so we contacted him, and it took off from there.” NASA’s official offer was to simply launch Bandit into orbit, which would “probably work.” However, after NASA was contacted, the scientific community at large caught wind of the dilemma and worked together in order to try to tackle the problem. De-

bates raged as people tried to figure out exactly what constituted neutralizing a dog. Philosophers debated whether it was enough to simply reduce the dog to dust and negate its influence on the world, or if the only way to truly neutralize Bandit was to destroy any memory or mark made by the dog, as if he had never existed in the first place. Swiss physicists from CERN called PetSmart and offered to build a dog-sized particle accelerator in an effort to propel Bandit at near the speed of light, hopefully creating an anti-Bandit and completely neutralizing the Bandit reaction. This has been met with some criticism, as some physicists argue that doing so will create a Bandit-shaped black hole, which would technically neutralize him, but also most of the life on Earth, to which CERN’s official response was “yeah, but think about how cool that would be.” Eventually, due to urging from students from Bakers-

field College and a fundamental misunderstanding of Schrodinger’s cat, the PetSmart employees decided that the best course of action was to seal Bandit inside an airtight glass box, in order to negate his ability to interact with the world. Scientists from around the globe gathered to observe the historic event, as Bandit was mildly sedated and placed inside a sealed cube. Hours later, as Bandit continued to not breathe or move, scientists were able to confirm that the dog was completely neutral. Veterinarians also stated that an unintended side effect of the neutralization resulted in Bandit being neutered, and he is no longer capable of having puppies of any kind. Upon returning to PetSmart days later, Miller was given a package, which was described by a scientist as “the single greatest achievement in any field of science in the last 150 years,” and by Miller as “my dead dog in a glass box.”

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uring such political and social turmoil, many liberals are appealing to classical works and traditions in order to find peace and purpose. This year, liberal leadership is reviving the Ides of March as a national holiday. Today marks the first day of celebration, with festivities occurring in Washington, D.C. Liberal leadership insists that the key to the holiday’s success lies in celebrating with authenticity and commitment in order to reinvigorate democratic and nationalistic sentiments. “Many people remember the Ides of March from Shakespeare’s play, but the holiday is much older,” liberal leader Cassandra Dagat explained. “The Ides of March is more than the assassination of Julius Caesar. Historically, it represented freedom itself, like the Fourth of July for Americans. That freedom comes at a price, and there can never be too many holidays to remind us of that.” March 15 was originally a Roman religious holiday, but the assassination of Julius Caesar changed the date’s importance. For Romans, the holiday commemorated liberation from an oppressor and potential tyrant, reinforcing the status of the empire as a republic run by the people. The anniversary celebrations became seriously respected and honored traditions. Octavian, Caesar’s successor, celebrated with such fervor that he used the day as an occasion to execute more than 300 people who opposed his reign. Roman historian Cactullus recorded that Octavian proclaimed, “I totally understand the sociohistorical implications of this date for tyrants. I’m nailing this emperor thing.” In response to liberals’ original proposal and explanation of the history, some citizens expressed confusion about how to approach the holiday in modern times. While some believed the holiday should be a joyful cel-

ebration of the United States’ victories over its past, others thought it should be approached with a more serious affect. Senator Mark Brutenni, who works closely with Dagat, offered an explanation. “While the holiday is a celebration, there is also a heavy aspect of solemnity in it,” Brutenni said. “We must celebrate the Ides with full commitment, regardless of the fears some people have of change. The ideologies of our nation are embodied in our actions and words, so we must actively work to make those actions something to be proud of. I promise you, the 2017 Ides of March will be an event immortalized for generations to come.” Today’s festivities include fireworks, rousing speeches, usage of cannons on outdated infrastructure, and a gathering of major political figures at the Senate. Most notably, President Donald Trump will attend a Senate gathering to speak to the senators. His day will begin with a parade through the capital, where he will greet top scientists, activists, and leaders who have “perpetuated the democratic cause.” Respected gastroenterologist Sue Thayer is expected to attend. “I would be honored to play a part in the national festivities,” Thayer commented while analyzing a plate of haggis in a lunchtime interview this week. “The health of a nation is a pivotal matter, and I’m pleasantly surprised to see our leadership appealing to experts. I am scheduled to meet the president during his procession. I certainly have a few choice things to say to him.” Members of the liberal planning committee were happy to hear participants like Thayer were taking the holiday in earnest. “We have to ensure the importance of this holiday strikes true in the hearts of the nation’s leaders if this is going to work,” Senator Nicholas Casscano said. “Gathering in the place where we secure and protect freedoms is essential to remind us of what is at stake. We especially can’t have senators backing out. It’s game time.”

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THE MQ

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March 15, 2017

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Puerto Rico Chosen for Trump’s “Most Dangerous Game”

Could You Have Survived the Old Testament? The most pressing question on everybody’s minds in this day and age is, “Would I be able to survive the entire Old Testament?” Well, now with our helpful, completely nonblasphemous quiz, you can figure out for sure if you’d lose it all or last for seven more days than expected. 1. Do you have prophetic dreams? a. No, but my asshole brother does. b. No, but this Pharaoh guy does and we’re all gonna be screwed in 14 years. c. Yeah, and there’s some weird statue stuff going on. d. Yes, and they tell me I will have descendants as numerous as the sand on the shore.

PHOTO By daniel clinton

With confidence not seen since the 2003 invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney quickly reversed his position on gun rights. by Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz

Staff Writers

he first few months of the Trump presidency have not been without controversy, and a recently signed executive order has sparked even more conversation surrounding the president’s choices. By presidential decree, Puerto Rico is to be repurposed as a facility for the president to play the fictitious “Most Dangerous Game,” in which man hunts man. In a recent news conference, White House press secretary and “spot-on Melissa McCarthy impersonator” Sean Spicer clarified the president’s intentions. “Trust me, this is a great idea! The president is calling it ‘Winter Camp David,’” assured Spicer, who said that the island will be used as a grounds for entertaining visiting foreign heads of state.

When pressed for what the implications would be for the Puerto Rican people, Secretary Spicer promised that the president has a plan to “humanely” relocate them to Santa Catalina Island in a side effort to “make that place less boring.” Santa Catalina, however, is a much smaller island than Puerto Rico, and when asked to elaborate on the plan to accommodate this disparity, Spicer explained, “The boat to the island is large enough to transport the Puerto Rican people, so it’s large enough to house them. I don’t know who’s saying it’s not! Those who cannot find residence on the island will be making rounds trips from the port of Long Beach to the island aboard the ‘Catalina Express’ for the time being. It’s a beautiful ride! They’ll be fine!” The administration is defending the plan, saying that Trump is the first president to find a use for the island terri-

tory of Puerto Rico. The president however wanted to make it clear that he holds nothing against the people of the island by tweeting a picture of himself watching ‘West Side Story’ with the caption “I Love Puerto Ricans!” When President Trump was asked what inspired this decision, he was quick to reference his marketing background. “I have excellent marketing skills. I knew that we were never gonna make it a state anyway because 51 stars on a flag won’t sell. Would you want that? I wouldn’t,” he said. “I’m going to revamp the Puerto Rican territory while also promoting literacy with this reference to my favorite bedtime story as a kid. And this time I’m gonna make sure the good guy wins. I’m making massive improvements to the branding, in the story, they call it ‘Ship Trap Island,’ but that’s too obvious.

You’re never gonna get a good contestant when your name is so obvious. I’m gonna rename Puerto Rico something more subtle, like ‘This Island Won’t Trap You Island.’” The Trump family is known for their big game hunts, with the first children enjoying safaris in Africa, and the president having “a natural desire to chase game,” proudly claiming in the past, “I move on them like a bitch. You know, I’m automatically attracted to dangerous creatures — I just start attacking them. It’s like a magnet. Just attack. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” The endeavor will go underway when the president has time from his duties of “Making America Great Again,” a break that isn’t set to occur until issues of the same caliber are dealt with, including but not limited to “taking a few shots off my short game.”

Local Father Just Trying to Balance White Collar Crime, Being There for Son by Lawrence Lee

Web Editor

ocal single father Robert “Bob” Barron, senior financial advisor at A/B Investments, confided to a friend last week over lunch that he was struggling to handle the strain of massive embezzlement and the needs of his growing son. “They grow up so fast, you know?” Barron was overheard saying to close friend Danny Planvally. “You start at one checking account with only 3,500 dollars stolen from a crummy old asshole’s retirement account, and then all of a sudden it’s eight years and four 8,000,000 dollars offshore accounts later, and I’m missing Leland’s birthday party. “Jesus, he’s already 14,” he went on. “Where am I going to find the time to take him to soccer practice, to make sure he’s doing his homework, and to meet his friends? I’m spending most days rerouting money from new clients through old clients’ accounts into my personal account, and I’m spending most nights figuring out how to dodge the SEC, for Christ’s sake.” As a senior financial advisor, Barron has largely unrestricted control over most accounts at A/B Investments in the “Family Income Below 60,000” bracket; he has used this control to illegally siphon increasingly large sums of money into his own accounts. “I just wanted to get more things done around this town,” said Barron on the usage of the thieved funds. “Helping to get the most qualified city council members elected, funding a program for healthier school lunches, pushing along the land rights

2. You and your brother are in a bit of a tiff. How do you resolve it? a. Calmly talk it out with him and figure out the best compromise so both of your future plans can succeed. b. Write a Tony-award-winning musical about his favorite garment. c. Steal his birthright. d. WelI, I guess death is the only option. 3. How many frogs is too many frogs? a. 5 b. 10 c. 100 d. None of these are even close to being too many frogs. 4. You come across a burning bush. Do you: a. Pour some nearby water on it to put it out. b. Get the hell out before it starts a forest fire. c. Sit there and wait for a bit and see if you can hear it talk. d. Confront it. Your worst fear will be inside, and only then will you see the power of the dark side. 5. Where’s your desired promised land? a. The Fertile Crescent. b. A tower that extends to the top of the earth. c. Egypt. d. How long have we been in this desert? 6. You’re trying to emigrate to a new country but their immigration services are stopping you at the border. What do you do? a. Petition their leader and hope that their policies change due to some legal action from within the country. b. Return to your war-ravaged and inhospitable homeland, where you will be executed upon arrival. c. Walk around the borders of that country seven times until the walls fall and you can just walk right in. 7. Which one of these best describes you? a. You get in an argument with some guy who liked river rafting as a baby. b. You sometimes use the pull-out method with your wife. c. You complain a lot about life being tough after you’ve been freed as a slave. d. You’re the oldest son of Pharaoh. 8. Kill your son — do it, do it, do it now! Haha, kidding. a. Shit. b. Phew.

PHOTO By jessica ma

“Great pass, son,” Barron said. “Now pass me those cigarettes you smuggled here in your butt.” to get that casino built — these things take money!” However, Barron revealed that he had been harboring worries about the visibility of his high spending over the last couple years. “And what if I get caught and convicted?” he asked, frantically taking a sip from his glass of Saint Vivant Grand Cru 2007 Pinot Noir to calm himself. “Who’s going to take care of Leland if I’m in jail? How could I burden my poor parents with this, after they’ve worked so hard all their lives to raise me and lead me to success? And Jane definitely isn’t coming back, not after the divorce.” “Oh, it was just some mild infidelity, nothing crazy,” he responded when Planvally asked why Barron and his ex-

wife separated. “What? No, not Fidelity Investments, but screw them too — those fuckers have poached four clients from me already this year.” Barron’s son, Leland Barron, is a ninth grader at local Copley-Ivy High School. “Yeah, it’s not like Dad’s been around too much, but that’s ‘cause he’s working so hard,” Leland Barron said during an academic counseling meeting. “I know he’s just trying to give me the privileged life that his immigrant parents fought so hard to give him. “Sure, I wish he didn’t leave me stranded at school those three times. Sure, I wish we were actually close enough to talk, really talk: about school, about the cute kids in my grade, about my future career. But he’s trying

his best — he really is.” At the end of lunch, as Robert Barron absentmindedly chewed on his last bite of foie gras, he mused over whether to move away from large-scale embezzlement and into more manageable ventures in order to better accommodate his son’s “needs.” “What if I go small-time instead, start taking coins from laundry machines at apartment complexes?” he mused. “Ten units per apartment, 2.50 dollars per load, one load per unit per week, that’s 13,000 dollars a year. I should only take half a week to avoid suspicion, so with three apartments every week, that’s… almost 20,000 dollars a year. Hey, I could get a college fund going for Leland with that.”

Results: Now it’s time to add up those cubits and find out your score! Every ‘a’ answer is one point, every ‘b’ answer is two points, every ‘c’ answer is three points, and every ‘d’ answer is four points. 1-8: Oof. Stick to the Torah, ‘cause the Old Testament is gonna be too much for you. You wouldn’t make it out of the Red Sea if Moses was showing you just how big that fish he caught was. 9-16: You might know enough to get by, but chances are you’ll get mauled to death by two bears for making fun of a bald guy or eaten by lions before you see next season’s harvest. 17-23: You’re not gonna be Pharaoh, but you know enough that you’ll probably be able to live a quiet life as a merchant, as long as you remember to smear blood above your door and avoid looking behind you when you’re running away from Sodom. 24-29: Wow, for some reason you’d do great in the Old Testament, even though I don’t know why you want to live in a time where most of the gold in the world is fashioned into the shape of a calf. The plus side is since you can stick it out long enough, you’ll be rewarded with the New Testament: free fish, free bread, and a whole heck of a superiority complex.

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March 15, 2017

W H O D U N N I T ? A UCSD Murder Mystery It was a quiet, peaceful night in Geisel when all of a sudden, as a bolt of lightning struck, thunder roared outside, and the speakers on top of Geisel played the MP3 of a bell ringing a twelfth time, the lights in Study Room 113 went out. When the lights came back on, Revelle student Mort Hildako was found dead on the floor surrounded by his MUS 17 study group. Who killed Mort? What did they use to kill him? And why would they kill him surrounded by so many witnesses in such a public place? It’s up to YOU to find out!

This Hydro Flask is definitely full of blood.

The murderer seems to have left their resume, just in case.

Suspects 6’8” 6’6”

After the lights came back on, the only people in the room were Mort’s four fellow group members. They are therefore the prime suspects for this cold-blooded murder. Though everyone’s blood is cold because of the air conditioning, one of these individuals’ blood must be the coldest — chilled by the frosty embrace of killer intent.

Ms. Sarah Sapphire

6’8” 6’6”

6’4” 6’2” 6’0”

5’10” 5’8” 5’6” 5’4” 5’2” 5’0” 4’10”

6’8”

6’4”

“What? Goodness no, I didn’t kill Mort. He was a very horrid man though. His favorite color was ‘camo.’”

4’8”

4’6” 6’4” 6’2” 6’0”

5’10” 5’8” 5’6” 5’4” 5’2” 5’0” 4’10” 4’8”

6’6” 6’4” 6’2” 6’0”

5’10” 5’8” 5’6” 5’4” 5’2”

6’8”

5’0”

6’6”

4’10” 6’4” 6’2” 4’8”

Ms. Donna Jenkins 6’0”

4’6”

5’10” 5’8” 5’6” 5’4” 5’2” 5’0” 4’10” 4’8” 4’6”

5’10”

6’6”

“Yeah, Mort was chill and all, 6’4” but he’d always forward those ‘send6’2” this to 10 of your friends’ emails, 6’0” so that was just kind of dickish? His spam was out of control. 5’10” Everyone knows that.” 5’8” Bill comports himself as your typical, everyday Visual Arts student, 5’6” with a suspiciously striking resemblance to Jonah Hill and a penchant 5’4” for 3D-printing knives, but there is no denying his shadiness. He says5’2” his shadiness is a result of a low 5’0” tolerance for UV rays, but it is hard to believe that a man who constantly 4’10” needs new ID cards and only drinks decaf is truly innocent. 4’8”

6’8” 4’6”

Mr. Claudius McSketch

6’0”

Ms. Sapphire is a fourth year, the daughter of a British duchess, and a self-proclaimed lover of murder mysteries. She moved to America after being accused of “doing the butler with a candlestick” and joined the study group as a fifth member since the class was not divisible by four. She has generally been regarded as “unwanted.” She claims that her Hydro Flask is full of fruit punch, not blood. 6’8”

6’6”

Mr. Jonas Bill

6’2”

5’8” 5’6” 5’4” 5’2” 5’0” 4’10” 4’8” 4’6”

Wait, how? Who? Why?

6’8” 4’6” 6’6”

“I didn’t know Mort very well, 6’4” but he had the kind of face that makes you want to murder 6’2” the guy in cold blood. A very murderable face indeed.” 6’0” McSketch is a rather mysterious 5’10” man who has an affinity for wearing long trench coats and felt fedoras. 5’8” He has a deep raspy voice that is muffled by the sound of his teeth 5’6” gnawing on Cheetos and he has 5’4” fairly intricate tattoos that chronicle his life experiences. McSketch called particular attention to his6’8”favorite 5’2” tattoo, located on his right pectoral, 5’0” 6’6” in study which read, “people I killed rooms,” and was followed6’4”by 4’10” approximately six tally marks. 6’2” 6’0”

4’8”

A blue clue? A blue clue! Let’s write it in our notebook because it’s a blue clue!

4’6”

“Mort was my friend! I5’10” would never try to hurt him, even though he always asked5’8”to borrow my graphing calculator.5’6”Like, just buy one for yourself!” 5’4” Jenkins is a second-year literature major who claims she was 5’2” in the wrong place at the wrong time. She says she didn’t commit the5’0”murder because she was in the middle of job 4’10” hunting. Ms. Jenkins enjoys watching 4’8” Netflix, studying for her ‘Death of the Author’ class, and eating salty 4’6” snacks, even though she can be somewhat of a messy eater. Ms. Jenkins says that she doesn’t talk much because she is an introvert. But this silent student may be hiding something.

This dust suggests the kill Cheetos over Mort’s dead or just offered him some at point in the night. No one resist Cheetos.

ler ate body, t some e can

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Page 7

M u r d e r We a p o n

Seems as if the murderer sliced off an index finger to keep as a trophy. Who would do this?

Any of these items found in the study room could have been the tools of murder used to kill poor Mort. While some may seem ordinary objects, don’t be fooled — anything can become an instrument of pure evil when in the hands of a UCSD student.

Anthrax? This has to be anthrax, right? I mean, it could be sugar or flour, but we’re pretty sure this is anthrax. Maybe it was used to poison Mort. That’s how anthrax works, right?

While this may seem incriminating, we can’t subject this tattoo to a lie detector test, so we may never know if it’s telling the truth.

ID Card Shard This ID card seems to have been sharpened to a razor edge with a knife. The PID can be made out, but the first letter’s been cut off, so it’s hard to say for sure whose it is.

This stain smells distinctly like it’s piss with a hint of decaf.

They left kettlecorn all over the floor. This murderer just keeps showing the depths of their evil.

Finger Guns These bad boys could have been used to overload Mort with sheer coolness, killing him instantly. The slightest hint of Cheeto dust on the index finger, suggests the killer was both incredibly cool and dangerously cheesy.

VHS Copy of Season 7 of "Murder She Wrote" This VHS seems to have been through years of use, as if someone has spent all their time analyzing just how Angela Lansbury “does it.” It could have been used to bludgeon Mort to death and seems to have a bit of blood on it.

A red herring? This could be a potential weapon.

Who killed Mort, and what weapon did they use? If you think your detective skills are better than those of the trained professionals who investigate these types of things on a daily basis, text us your answer at 408-406-8078. The first 25 people who text in the correct answer will recieve a BIG REWARD and the first 25 callers will receive a stern blocking of their number. Let us know ASAP. Mort’s dignity and tombstone engraving depend on it .

T H E Y D U N N I T.

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March 15, 2017

Frederick Douglass Continues to Elude Trump Administration

by Frances Debrunner

Staff Writer n the past week, a news leak from the White House has shown that the Trump administration reportedly attempted to bring in Frederick Douglass to speak at a Black History Month event, but has been unable to reach the orator. San Diego residents surmise that although Douglass has done what the president called an “amazing job,” his “being recognized more and more” may be the root of the issue. “Yeah, ole’ Frederick thinks he’s so great now,” local fish peeler Thomas McMcCormick explained, “all ‘more and more’ like Mr. Spicer says, and such, too damn good for us, huh? Won’t even show up when called by the president. Liberal elitism, I tell ya. What makes him so ‘amazing’ anyhow? I got a nephew who can juggle nickels and eat paper at the same time. Beat that, Douglass.” President Trump has left the search for Douglass to his assistants, because he feels that all his resources were exhausted when he received a negative response after asking Dr. Ben Carson if he happened to personally know or have any direct connections to Douglass. An anonymous White House staffer confided to reporters that Kellyanne Conway was “borderline tearing her hair out, absolutely befuddled” over this slight. The anonymous staffer also claimed that Conway got a lead on a possible Douglass sighting in Rochester, New York, but could only find what the staffer described as a "flat, vertically propped up stone with unnaturally rounded edges and funny markings. It was surrounded by other, similar stones." No actual evidence of Douglass was unearthed.

EDITORIAL

In Response to My Critics, as Wrong as a Toothbrush in a Bathroom

By Dillard Jason Pennybrow

PHOTO By katherine wood

“If my calculations are correct, Frederick Douglass definitely has one left leg and one right leg,” said Carson. Some others felt Douglass’ disappearance may have more to it than meets the eye. Mike Thomas, local fourth grade student, remarked, “Uhhh ... I’m pretty sure he’s dead. Like, dead since 1895 dead.” Anonymous sources reported, however, that the Trump administration found suitable replacements for Douglass. These replacements go by the names of Paris, whom President Trump assures is “worth at least seven people,” and Darrell, who, while not worth seven people, is probably worth at least a couple. San Diego teacher Louise Smith, however, told reporters that she does not feel that Darrell and Paris are adequate replacements. “I just feel that Mr. Dou-

glass would have been worth at least 11 people, which puts him way ahead of Darrell and Paris together,” Smith remarked. “Also, do we ever get to know who Darrell and Paris are? Even just a last name or something that we can Google?” Most attendees of Black History Month events held at the White House agreed that Douglass “didn’t miss too much” and found it “totally understandable” that he refrained from attending. “I went, I was right up front,” attendee Rick Adams recounted. “And, let me tell you, it would not have been good enough for a rising star like Douglass. It was mostly just President Trump saying that he got ‘306 electoral votes' again and again, and

then he would kind of gesture to the MLK Jr. bust every hour or so — actually I'm not sure if that's what he was doing. It was pretty hard to see his hands.” The same source reported that Trump aides are “tripping over themselves” to entice Douglass into attending next year, despite his heightening profile. The first plan of action, an aide revealed, is to make a bust of Douglass himself. The White House has "some good ones” and feel that Douglass could take his rightful place among them, specifically the place of either Winston Churchill or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in a prized oval office spot. One Trump aide confided, “It’s probably going to be Dr. Martin Luther King Jr."

Local Recruiter Finds Straight White Candidate “Just More Approachable” By Jaz Twersky Copy Editor

hristian Witten, the managing director of New Breath Consultants, announced Monday that they’ve hired a new creative liaison, Daisy Mitchell, who they are certain will “fit in neatly with the office environment.” A photograph of the new blondehaired, blue-eyed woman now adorns the office wall with the rest of the staff photos. “We carefully considered all the available options,” said Witten, “and I, as the chief recruiter on the team, decided that we should weigh all factors by their relative importance. And of course, the most important factor in a young woman — excuse me, in a young assistant — is her, uh ... approachability.” The creative liaison job had been posted publicly for two weeks and had received multiple applications. The most notable applicant who was not accepted was Shira Jamison, who came from a background of several years’ work as a creative liaison after graduating magna cum laude from UC San Diego. In her cover letter, she said her “experience living in the world as a half-Black gay Jewish transgender woman” would grant her an “unusual perspective, which [she] would bring to the creative work of creating the company’s internal and external materials.” “I just didn’t feel that comfortable talking to that candidate,” said Witten. He claimed that this was “totally unrelated” to the fact that he had referred to her as “Mr. Jamison” multiple times when he met

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

When asked why they didn’t choose to hire Jamison, an executive responded, “She just wasn’t as memorable as the girl who rolled around on the ground and shouted, ‘Please hire me.’” her, which she had politely corrected each time. “No, no, it wasn’t that. Jamison spoke out of turn, and was loud even when we hadn’t explicitly spoken to, uh, her,” Witten explained. “Our execs said we should at least give her a chance, for the optics of the thing, so we did the interview, but I knew it wasn’t going to work out.” The public listing for the creative liaison position called for a candidate who was “creative, highly skilled, professional, who would bring a unique energy to the room and be independently-minded.” “I’m disappointed, of course,” Jamison said. “It would have been nice to work there. But it’s not as if it was personal, right? I’m sure whoever they went with had a more impressive background.”

“This is so great,” said Mitchell, slouching in her new cubicle. “I get to make the shit that the rest of the world sees. I just graduated from ITT Tech right before they went bankrupt and I’m already raking in the big bucks. Plus, did you see the way that cute manager looked at me? My boyfriend is gonna flip. I love it.” Critics of the decision include Janelle Brown, the former creative liaison. She resigned last month, citing “an office full of bigoted assholes.” “The new creative liaison appears to be under-qualified for the position,” Brown said in a public Facebook post. “But she is white! And she has a boyfriend! She’ll fit right in with the rest of that office that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about diversity.” “Of course New Breath

Consultants cares about diversity!” Witten exclaimed in response when shown the post. “We have a bunch of diverse people.” He gestured around the room, which held over 30 people. “There’s Andrew, who’s from a minority religion, and Jake over there, who’s half Korean. And Cathy, Sarah, and Emily, who are women. We’ve even had women in contention for top management spots during the last two hiring cycles! Henry and Steve are doing a great job though.” Andrew Bingham is Mormon, and Jacob Yasuda is in fact half-Japanese. New Breath’s website states, “We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate based on race, color, age, disability, national origin, veteran status, religion, gender, or sexual orientation.”

Award-Pending Author

t is the apparent opinion of Mr. James Dickenson that, while my last novel “Crying in the Parking Lot of a Burger King,” sequel to the criticallyacclaimed “Crying in the Parking Lot at Applebee’s,” had “merit in its character development and story arc,” its good qualities drowned in my supposed inability to construct metaphor. He even strove so far as to claim, “Indeed, Mr. Pennybrow’s metaphors appear on page almost as ugly as his Dali mustache appears on his face.” For one, I believe that Mr. Dickenson’s speech is as childish as a horse drenched in honey mustard. He did not need to go so far as to insult my perfect mustache, which is as curly as fries that are also curly. When writing literary critiques, one must be civil. To jump to insulting appearances reflects the bitterness of one who jams his foot in a bucket of rotting hamsters. It’s simply unethical. Second, my writing style has proved itself worthy of praise again and again. I was trained in the pen-holding arts by professors teaching

at the University of Chicago. With their head of hair, their board of black dusty stuff, and their pointers of old oak (if they had been actually oak), they taught me the finest techniques in writing just as a snake charmer teaches an apprentice to throw strings around while dodging acid rain. I have been well-trained in the arts of metaphor, simile, alliteration, allusion, metablishment, and synecococee. I do not believe I need to say that to prove that it’s true; any intelligent reader educated in good literature can tell that my metaphors are superb. Thirdly, I believe Mr. Dickenson is profoundly wrong in everything he writes. My character development and story arc were as poorly executed as a teddy bear in a cast hung on a telephone pole. Like Arthur Conan Doyle with his totally not-SherlockHolmes novels, my true talent lies in my literary devices. Strong, wet, and rubbery as a golden arc, my writing language has helped me become the famous, lusty author I am, as well-known as many other well-known authors. Overall, I would recommend that Mr. Dickenson stay silent on the matters of literary masterworks, a topic as far above his intelligence as a crushed-up chair it seems, until he goes back to school to learn what real writing is. He may find my novels have reached the classrom as well as the hearts of middleaged women. Then maybe he can make actual constructive comments on my soon to be published work “Sadness: A Metaphor for Melancholy.”

TOP fifteen

Ways That Cavemen Were Better than Us 15. Tinder was important for a different reason 14. They could afford a cave 13. They didn’t use “Neanderthal” as an insult 12. They got to watch “The Flintstones” live 11. Their gloryholes were probably cleaner 10. Minimalism 9. Fewer languages to not know how to read 8. Bigger frontal cortex, penis 7. Separation of church and state 6. Function over form 5. Not as many confusing breakfast cereal options; only Cocoa Pebbles or Fruity Pebbles 4. Could start a fire 3. No government, no taxes, only Krog 2. “Their relatives were fish. Damn, I wish I had fish parents” 1. Only had to put up with one Ice Age; we had to deal with Ice Age: Continental Drift

We’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

March 15, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 9

Student Stuck in Infinite Loop in Tioga Stairwell

Universal Cheat Sheet

Okay, so you didn’t study for any of your finals or even fill out the allowed half-page cheat sheet for any of your classes. Luckily, you can cut out this Universal Cheat Sheet we stole from Marissa from BICD 110 and use it for any test for any class! We guarantee at least a “C” ... once you add all your scores together.

PHOTO By connor gorry

The infinite loop in the Tioga stairwell was also found to contain all of the missing plastic utensils from Pines. by Maryanna Sophia Landaverde

Staff Writer n Sunday, the Tioga residence house advisors stated that even more residents are following “elevator etiquette” after one of the two elevators was shut down in the eleven-floor building. House advisors have also noted that they are seeing fewer residents than usual. They enlisted the help of novice investigators on campus to discover why exactly residents were no longer socializing in their respective houses, other than the normal reasons of sleeping in and playing video games while locked inside of their rooms. To their surprise, investigators found the missing students trapped in an infinite loop of stairs in the Tioga stairwell. Investigators discovered that in most of the two floor houses of Tioga, many students did not notice the disappearance of their fellow residents. Most just assumed their roommates went home or were staying over somewhere else. Detectives found that a majority of the time, the students disregard those suitemates who they do not actively interact with. “It’s not my responsibility to know where my suitemates are 24/7,” one anonymous student said. “Yeah, I’ll say ‘hi’ when I see them, but that’s it. I’ve never even talked to four of them. I mean, do they even exist?” “I only noticed many were missing because the more social residents told me that their roommates have been gone for days without a word,” an anonymous house advisor stated. The same house advisor quickly shifted the subject, exclaiming with excitement that those still in the house have been following the “elevator etiquette,” and the house was planning a pizza party for the remaining residents in order to celebrate their compliance with the house rules. The investigators continued to another house, only to get the same information. The

Trump Uses Phone-a-Friend Option Sooner than Expected

“I don’t need to poll the audience,” said Trump. “I already won the electoral vote.” by Daniel Clinton

Distribution Captain

onald Trump was reportedly “on edge” from recent connections drawn between his administration and Russia, an unprecedented move which led to Trump using his Phone-a-Friend option. This marks a record low amount of time between inauguration and a U.S. president using the Phone-aFriend option. Trump shattered the long-held record of 116 days set by William Howard Taft, who accidently used the option in 1904 after attempting to eat a telephone. As per the rules of the Phone-a-Friend option, the friend in question is allowed absolute anonymity. When found in a parking lot attempting to sell information for immunity, White House aides described the friend’s voice as “slightly drunk with lots of slurring,” “yelling something

about a five year plan,” and “like they didn’t believe that democracy was a sustainable form of government.” Sean Spicer commented on the phone call at a press briefing. “Donal’d ne moshennik,” Spicer coughed, “Woah, don’t know where that came from. Anyways, as I was saying, the president initially used the call to prevent any potential wiretapping from previous U.S. presidents. Jimmy Carter may seem nonthreatening from his public persona, but behind closed doors, that man is an espionage mastermind. Peanut farmers are very good at hiding things in small places.” On why Trump used the Phone-a-Friend option so early, Spicer explained, “The president sees the use of the [Phone-a-Friend] option as a sign of power. Now nothing can hold him back. He can finally rule with a red fist without all the iron tape.”

When Spicer was questioned about the alleged ties between Trump’s administration and Russian officials, Spicer slowly slid on shutter shades and pressed a hidden button under his podium. Confetti proceeded to explode from the walls and a handwritten banner burst from the ceiling, reading: “Fake News is Abuse.” Spicer then attempted to do a moonwalk and sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” until the news media was thoroughly weirded out and awkwardly walked out. Experts watching Trump’s short time in office were confused by his use of the Phonea-Friend option. Senior Presidential Strategy Expert Sarah Voasary noted, “Historically, presidents save the Phonea-Friend option for a harder question. Using it now is a waste. Either Trump is an idiot, or he isn’t planning on making it to the end of the game. “He should have at least

PHOTO By barak tzori

bought a vowel first just to feel out the situation” continued Voasary. “Being our first reality show president, you think Trump would be better at this.” This is not the first time Trump's tactics have come into question. During his campaign, Trump was accused of having too many “Reveal Your Opponent's Hand” cards. News media alleged that the only way to get that many cards was help from external sources. Russian government officials who were asked about their involvement in Trump’s alleged cheating scandal all pleaded the fifth. Trump’s administration has kept quiet on the subject, as not only would these allegations be terms for impeachment, but those involved would be subject to the cruel and unusual punishment of having to set up Mousetrap next time someone wants to play.

only difference in this slightly higher up floor is that there were less people to question. The team told reporters they had assumed the lack of residents was due to it being week nine and had speculated that the students were studying in Geisel. Reporters were also told that while waiting for the elevator, the team encountered three first year students who appeared to quickly grow impatient with the elevator when it seemed to be taking an abnormally long time. The students told the investigators that they heard rumors that fellow students were stuck in an infinite loop in the Tioga Hall stairwell. “I’m tempted to take the stairs,” one of the students told investigators. “It’s not too bad if you’re going down, but I’d rather not have to, especially with weird howling noises coming from the stairwells lately.” The team decided to take the stairs to get to the next house while the three girls waited for the elevator. Upon opening the door to the stairs, the team collided with many residents who appeared to be malnourished and exhausted. According to these students, the stairwell seemed to be under some curse that made the Tioga stairwell inescapable. “Anyone who enters the stairs keeps walking, with seemingly no end to it,” Marc Marshal, a computer science major, stated. “You’ll be walking down by the second floor only to see that the next flight has the number 10 next to it. It just keeps going and going, until someone enters. Then someone can exit, if they are lucky enough to be by the door when it opens. I’m not sure how many are stuck here.” The investigators, unsurprisingly, cannot explain this mystery. The team was able to send their notes on the missing student investigations as well as an SOS through an email, but the team has yet to respond to attempts of communication. School faculty is unsure whether this phenomenon will stop, but the Tioga residents are glad that the elevators will finally receive a more modern interior.

What do you mean, “Get out of this Pier 1 Imports?”

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

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March 15, 2017

Lana Del Rey Revealed to be “Witch Queen” after Casting Binding Spell on Trump

By Lauren Kirkbride

Design Editor

rammy-nominated pop singer Lana Del Rey, after participating in the world wide witches’ binding spell against President Donald Trump, has revealed her True Form as the omnipotent and insidious ‘Witch Queen.’ Witches all over the world reportedly cast a binding spell on Donald Trump and his cabinet during the waning crescent moon, in order to prevent them from further harming anybody. Lana Del Rey announced her participation in the binding spell event on February 23th via Twitter, stating, “At the stroke of midnight Feb 24, March 26, April 24, May 23. Ingredients can be found online.” Later that night she then tweeted further saying, “For clarification, the recipe for the ingredients can be found on page 457 of 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.'” After the evening of February 24, Lana Del Rey allegedly claimed that she “felt the swell of all witches who attended the spell,” and that she could “feel the change starting already.” That night having already been scheduled for a performance, Del Rey continued with the binding spell by first replacing all the smoke machines with cedar smoke to cleanse the stage. She then emanated an oscillating purple light from her left hand while singing "Video Games" and proceeded to duplicate herself into five different forms to become her own backup dancers. When questioned on the technique of her surprising performance, Del Rey claimed that during her tour, her nighttime performances allowed her to absorb the

Dear Editor, In your last issue, there was an article about the latest infestation of raccoons in San Diego, written by a staff member named “Jim…?” with no last name. While I enjoyed the article, Jim…? ended every single sentence like this…? Was this intentional…? Although the article seemed very factual and heavily researched, the punctuation made me doubt what I was reading. In addition, every quote included in the article made it sound like every person Jim....? interviewed was questioning what they were saying…? Perhaps, in the future, you might want to make it more clear whether this dubious tone is intentional…? or not…? Thanks…?, Jamie…? Dear Editor, You’ve got me in a bit of a tizzy here. Is there one editor, or are there multiple of you? The staff box on every issue lists multiple editors, but here I am, addressing a single entity. I’d like to think that I’m praying to a unified, benevolent, omnipotent editor, but what if you’re trying to tell me that polyeditorialism is actually okay? Please respond, either in dream or by InMail. Thanks.

PHOTO By connor gorry

Alicia Keys reportedly sued later, after someone in the crowd shouted, “This girl is on fire! No really, should we help her?” ‘"Lunar Del Rays." “My power awakened with all the witches who came together during the waning crescent moon,” Del Rey reported. She then addressed anybody who may want to become a witch as well saying, “If you wanna be my little baby, you can meet me in the pale moonlight.” In another press conference, Del Rey announced that she plans to gather her "Lunar Del Rays" during the next waning crescent on March 26, and transform them into‘"Lucid Del Rays" to transport Donald Trump’s outgoing energy to the moon. “I believe that magic is a real, powerful force that can be used for peace and protecting others,” Del Rey explained as she drew an alchemical sum-

moning circle on the ground while consistently throwing salt at reporters. When questioned why she did so, Del Rey responded, “What? What salt? I don’t have 22 ounces of salt shoved into my pockets,” and then muttered, “Ego Latine loqui non actu Latine.” Fans have come to a consensus that Del Rey will eventually swell in magical power to become the "Lucid Del Rays" that she spoke of initiating. “We have to keep casting binding spells on the waning crescent moon in order to increase her power,” reported local fan Neil McSimone. “Lana Del Rey will save us all. Like she always said, ‘Not even they can stop me now. Boy, I be flying overhead. Their heavy words can’t bring

me down — boy, I’ve been raised from the dead.’” At Del Rey’s last recent press conference she reported that she does not, in fact, plan to become the "Lucid Del Reys" and ascend to the moon. “That is simply a fan theory,” she asserted, as she floated sideways across the stage crossed-legged and disappeared through a wall. Del Rey’s agent Jaime Relday then announced that Del Rey will not be attending further press conferences until after March 26. “Lana is not here,” repeated Relday slowly, as his form slowly became translucent to the crowd. “At least, not in spring. She may or may not have something in store for summertime ... summertime ... sadness ... ”

Climate Change Denier Found under Rock, Appointed to Head of EPA By Hannah Rosenblatt

Managing Editor ocal business owner Earl Coombs was found early last Monday after having gone missing nearly 32 years ago under a large boulder in Yosemite National Park. He was taken out of dehydration and malnutrition treatment in a nearby hospital almost immediately, so that he could be flown to Washington DC to be sworn in as the new Director of the EPA. Coombs is expected to officially take office next week, right after being briefed on major world events since 1985 and receiving training on the use of social media and cellphones. Coombs has yet to make an official statement on his qualifications and goals as the new director of the EPA. However, the hikers who initially discovered Coombs overheard him discussing his environmental views. “Yeah, he just kind of started going off about how all grass should be exterminated to prevent people from itching when they picnic and weird stuff like that,” explained Lisa Cortez, one of the hikers in question. Other reports cited him using the words “climate change,” “not true,” and “no more jobs” in close succession. Reports from the White House cite Coombs’ “clear-cut values” and “can-do attitude,” as demonstrated upon his rescue, as promising signs that he will be able to fulfill the large role easily. No press releases have mentioned the president’s reasons for wanting to replace Pruitt, the current acting director, so quickly. How-

letters to the editor

Your humble servant, Jeremiah Twins Dear Editor, I don’t have anything to say really, I’m just counting down SIX to when I get off of work. I’m pretty bored FIVE right now, and it was either ramble to you FOUR or to Seventeen Magazine, and I’m not THREE 17 years old, so I chose this. Isn’t age weird? Yeah, it definitely TWO is. Well, I guess it’s close enough for me to leave. Thanks for listening ONE. You’re probably pretty cool people and everything. Yours truly, Sheila LeMarc ZERO YES THANK GOD. Dear Editor, Your last issue came with a coupon to a couples' massage at Two Hands, Two Hearts Massage Parlor. My husband and I got a massage there this week because of the coupon, and he spent the whole time ogling the massage therapist, Mandy. She has a congenital heart defect where she has two hearts, so his leering at her was insensitive to her and disrespectful to me. I would like your newspaper to pay for our divorce lawyer. This never would have happened without the massage coupons. Sincerely, Curse-Your-Marriage-Destroying-Coupons Dear Editor,

The old lady dragged me out to a couple’s massage this week because of some coupon you printed. So here I am naked, face-down on some mat, and this masseuse tells me she has two hearts. Anyways, I start telling her my wife doesn’t even have one heart and next thing I know I’m getting chewed out on the way home, and the tension in my neck is back. Now I gotta fight over the extension cords. Yours alone now, Take-My-Wife

PHOTO By katherine wood

Coombs figured, “What better way to settle into [his] new job than with an icebreaker?” ever, Press Secretary Spicer did state early last week that Pruitt was moving at a “slower pace than [this administration] would like to see.” Before his entrapment in the boulder, Coombs ran a semi-successful taxidermy shop, which the White House claimed demonstrated “a connection to nature not seen in Pruitt that should benefit Coombs greatly in his new position.” Many other White House workers and Congressmen believe that Coombs will take a more opened-minded approach to the position than Pruitt, and are looking forward to working for larger and

more unorthodox reforms. Congressman Jeff Miller (R-FL) stated that he was happy to see the appointment of someone “finally willing to do what is necessary,” and claimed that “Pruitt just wasn’t cutting it. Sure, he made some strides with going after the Clean Air and Water Act, but how will that make a difference if I still have to get up every morning and worry about tripping over those damn recycling cans that just keep sprouting up every which way.” In an effort to ensure a smooth transition in accordance with the Trump admin-

istration’s high standards, all EPA operations and research have been suspended until Coombs is ready to step in. The EPA is expected to begin normal communications next Friday at the earliest, when Coombs has promised to give each worker a “brand new 1984 Apple IIc computer, complete with a floppy disk drive and full color monitor,” as part of his effort to remodel the agency. At press time, Coombs was unavailable to comment on major policy changes he was working on, as he was figuring out how to type on a touchscreen phone.

High in potassium, low in self-esteem.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

March 15, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 11

V.P. Pence Changes Name to "1.24 Cents," Inspires Patriotism

Inflation Will Render Cheap Puns Unaffordable for the Bourgeois, Economists Say

By Jessica Ma and Daniel Kupor

Assistant Graphics Editor and Staff Writer

ast Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence finalized his name change from Mike Pence to Mike 1.24 Cents. When asked about the change, 1.24 Cents replied, “It’s my duty to make Americans proud of their country. How can I do that when my name is vaguely British sounding? Now, according to the exchange rate, it’s much more American. Here in America, we speak English, not British.” This name change was intended to raise awareness about and publicize the vice president’s new program, Redefining America and Containing Immigration through Sketchy Methods (RACISM). “It’s a bit like the USA PATRIOT Act,” noted 1.24 Cents, “except that we’re obstructing immigration instead of terrorism. To be honest, the main thing that they have in common is a forced acronym.” A new plan proposed by RACISM has the potential to revolutionize immigration processes by introducing a color schematic that when compared to an individual’s skin color will quickly and efficiently determine a person’s eligibility to enter the country. Advocates of the plan claim that this would cut airport waiting times for those planning to enter the country by at least 57 percent, allowing for more efficient air travel. However, RACISM has come with its fair share of controversy. Juan Garcia, an activist against RACISM, claimed that “people of all backgrounds should have equal ability to enter the US, and quite frankly it’s incredibly insulting that a govern-

PHOTO By lawrence lee

The cashier of the food co-op gave the woman a critical look as he noticed that she’d gone for the non-organic fart jokes, which, while cheaper, were not made by an emaciated vegan. By Sarah Wernher

PHOTO By barak tzori

“The eagle’s just not cutting it for this distance,” Pence said to his caddy. “Hand me the American flag — no, hand me the bust of Lincoln.” ment program is telling me and people like me that we shouldn’t be eligible to enter a country we already live in.” “Our very extensive research has determined that just five shades of skin color represent the ideal American values that inspire patriotism,” 1.24 Cents responded. “They’re white, off-white, eggshell white, tan, and orange. There are probably other colors that are valuable, like maybe ivory, but we just don’t currently have the science to understand them. Besides, as a Gemini, I am two times the person you are, so my opinion is more important than yours anyways.” Protests against RACISM have escalated after the vice president’s response. Students at UC Berkeley have already burned down their

campus twice, leading to an offshoot movement to change the school’s mascot to Smokey the Bear in an effort to prevent future fires. Meanwhile, in 1.24 Cents’ home state of Indiana, a firework could be heard erupting as mass celebrations caused chaos on the streets. “We’re just glad that something interesting is happening here,” said Alb Feher, a former neighbor of the vice president. “Usually all I can hear is my neighbor screaming when he gets a papercut from counting his money.” The neighborhood has organized a day of recognition in which each person will hire a painter to repaint their house white, which 1.24 Cents had assigned as “the most important color in the American flag.”

Currently, the vice president has plans to change his name monthly to “accurately reflect the exchange rate of British to American currency” in order to stay true to his given name, Pence. 1.24 Cents has tried to get his family to change their names as well, but they have refused. “It’s stupid,” says his wife Karen Pence. “I will not have my children made fun of for a publicity stunt.” However, 1.24 Cents has announced that if 100,000 people sign an online petition in support of RACISM, or if RACISM gets 500,000 Likes on Facebook, then his family will change their names. Until then, 1.24 Cents hopes to adopt a child in an effort to continue the 1.24 Cents lineage, because “patriotism never dies. As long as it’s white.”

Grandmother Unaware Phones Work Both Ways

Browns Receive Second Round Pick in Trade, Also Q.B. Brock Osweiler

beauty and the brief Local Student Yells Conservatives BoyInto Echo Chamber, cott Snow White Due to “Seven Feels Better About Sinful Dwarves” Future of America Local student Garry Vikati was concerned about the future of America, until he was finally able to yell into an echo chamber this past week. Vikati was worried after watching his community become divided by polarizing politics on both sides, but luckily he was able to find a way to double down on his own beliefs instead of listening to those around him who he disagreed with. While despondent about the prospects of America, Vikati overheard some of his peers reaffirming his political beliefs. He then joined the circle and yelled, “Why can’t the rest of America understand our very unique world view?” The circle then concluded, stating that if they were in charge “no one would be unhappy with their decisions” and that they could “fix everything.” Vikati commented on the experience as being “freeing, no longer having to listen to other people who even have the slightest difference in beliefs. So I no longer believe parking citations, if anyone asks.” He was then spotted checking his sole source of news, Snapchat. Vikati had stopped following traditional sources of news after determining none of them “yelled back my political beliefs loud enough for my tastes.”

Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged by the liberal filmmakers who are depicting the Seven Dwarves as virtuous creatures, while encouraging our children into committing the seven deadly sins.” “It’s so obvious that each dwarf represents one of the seven deadly sins,” frequent churchgoer Amy Newgot said. “Doc is greed, because he’s forcing his buddies to slave away in a diamond mine. Dopey is lust. Remember that scene where the little devils lined up to get kisses from Snow White, and Dopey came back for seconds? You can practically see the lust in his dastardly eyes. “Bashful is one plump bastard, so he’s gluttony,” Newgot continued. “Grumpy is wrath, obviously. Sneezy is envy; he’s envious of everyone whose nose isn’t dripping mucus 24/7. Sleepy is sloth because like my pastor always says, ‘If you are too sluggish to get down on your knees and wash the floors, then you are certainly too lazy to get down on your knees and praise the Lord. “And last but certainly not least in the eyes of the devil, Happy is pride,” Newgot raved. “He looks like a garden gnome, works in a mine, and doesn’t collect rent when a random stranger decided to live in his home. He ain’t shit.”

Eliza Barker, matriarch of the Barker multimedia conglomerate, caused “family drama” last week when she offhandedly mentioned at a reunion dinner that her 22-yearold granddaughter Tiffany Barker had failed to “call her grandmother for over three months.” This turned their three-month passive-aggressive text chain into passive-aggressive resignation, as neither party cared to acknowledge that phones, contrary to geriatric belief, can be dialed on either end of a relationship. “Our cycles just don’t match up the same way as they did when I was younger,” Tiffany whispered to her uncle. “I’m busy now. Where once I existed in the blissful sunlight of youth — both literal and figurative — I now come alive at night. And she’s asleep by the time 7:30 'Jeopardy' ends. “All I make anymore are business calls; it’s hard running a successful branch of my grandmother’s multimedia empire. But it’s not like I’m not trying; I have personnel to handle taking calls in case she calls. I do occasionally reminisce about bygone times when Grandmother and I marveled in the local library.” Eliza, however, is taking a more dire view of the lack of verbal communication between the once inseparable duo, going so far as the dangerous triple text. “Tiffany, are you okay? Just wonderin'. It has been awhile since we last communicated, please call me. “Please, Tiffany, I am having trouble with using my phone and you were always so good at the computers.”

A spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns announced last week that the team's management is ecstatic that they've received a second-round pick in a trade with the Houston Texans. Also included in the trade was quarterback Brock Osweiler. “This draft pick is just what we needed to get the team back on track,” said the Browns’ head coach Hue Jackson. “The guys have been looking for the inspiration, leadership, and athletic prowess this second-round pick will bring to the team.” The Texans expressed disappointment that they could not maintain their relationship with the secondround pick, but wished it good fortune in its future in the NFL. “We have nothing but good things to say about this draft pick. It took us far this season, but unfortunately it was attached to Osweiler and had to go,” said Coach Bill O’Brien as he accepted a congratulatory glass of champagne from John Elway. Jackson outlined the Browns’ plan for the next season. “After we drop Osweiler’s dead weight, this second-round pick is going to take us to the Super Bowl, or at least to a record where our losses are only three times greater than our wins." Osweiler could not be reached for comment. He was last seen missing targets over the mountains of Montana.

Staff Writer fter evaluating the national economy last week, economists identified the most recent commodity to fall prey to the ravages of inflation: cheap puns. The rise in prices for this particular item, whose core consumer base is people with only mediocre talent for manipulating words, was first discovered by accident when an area man was forced to investigate a significant and inexplicable charge on his bank account that appeared immediately after he “cracked a pun.” “I was checking my account, and it said that I had 8,000 dollars,” recounted the victim of the charge. “But then I remembered a pretty good pun that I read on a popsicle stick the other day, so I looked up for a moment and asked my friend, ‘What do butchers say to people who come into their shops?’ When he ignored me, I said, ‘Nice to meat you!’ Then I looked back at my account, and suddenly I only had 7,000 dollars.” Having eliminated the possibility of credit card theft (the subject in question had closed all of his previous cards and was in the process of obtaining a new one that day), he called the bank in order to notify them of what he perceived to have been a minor transactional error. However, the bank stated that the charge of 1000 dollars on his account was indeed accurate. As for the good or service that incurred this cost, it was simply listed as ‘Cheap Pun.’ Similar instances of people being charged exorbitant fees for making up and telling mediocre puns have been surfacing at unprecedented rates. Economists at leading

universities have blamed inflation for the rise in prices for this particular good, noting a steady exponential increase in the supply of puns over the past two decades without a corresponding increase in demand for puns. This has led to the cost of puns, previously pegged at negligible fractions of a cent, skyrocketing to the current four-figure rates. Because of this, experts expect puns to join the ranks of the many commodities that are now beyond the reach of middle class salaries. However, an alternative theory has surfaced to explain the sudden rise in the price of this previously inexpensive form of word play. Some scholars are speculating that this is, in fact, deliberate large-scale market manipulation with the intent of protecting those who are endangered by exposure to cheap puns. Due to the popular belief that puns “kill brain cells,” medical officials may have flagged them as a risk to public intellectual and physical health, and begun working to create steeper consequences for those who might be inclined to subject other people to them. As there is no indication that the current trend of the market will change in the foreseeable future, it appears that puns will remain among the luxury goods and services that many must forgo indefinitely. In the meantime, however, Dr. Liam Joacke, a leading scholar on the matter and acclaimed author of “The Hidden Costs Of Free Speech” and “It’s Going to Cost More Than Just a Penny for My Thoughts,” has reassured consumers that “there are many DIY versions of mediocre humor that you can learn to enjoy for much less, like poop jokes or Yo Momma jokes.”

TOP Ten

Ways to Tell If Your Roommate Is in the Mafia 10. Your room is filled with decapitated horse bodies 9. Their solution to most problems is “I know a guy” 8. Their pasta comes out perfect every time 7. They ost a daily poker tournament in your apartment 6. They say that what happened to your plant was “just business” 5. Favorite arcade game is whack-a-mole 4. They definitely couldn’t afford a leather jacket that nice unless they were doing something else on the side 3. You’ve seen your HA kiss their ring 2. They have an illogical number of cousins 1. They told you they’re in the Mafia

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Dante’s Inferno: Part ll Dante Alighieri’s infamous first act of the “Divine Comedy” was originally too long for his publishers — they claimed it was “unwieldy, too petty, and sexually weird.” So Dante split the book into two volumes. The first half, the original “Inferno” was published, but the second half remained missing after Dante chucked it at a “woman who wouldn’t lick [his] feet.” The second half was found when Tom Hanks went searching through the Vatican lost-and-found in preparation for his character in “Angels & Demons,” and stumbled across it. Here is an overview of all the circles of hell which Dante didn’t get to include.

Arrogance

Sin

: Referring to a spread as a jelly when it is clearly a jam or preserve, you conceited pig.

Torture

: Swimming through a constantly-expanding lake of jelly. Your only sustenance is the peanut butter you shoved in your pockets beforehand.

Sin:

Walking on the bike path or biking on the sidewalk.

: Being forciTorturecte d on correct

bly instru path usage in order to learn the benefits of a safe transportation infrastructure.

Sin

: Thinking “Friends” is objectively better than “Seinfeld,” you heathen.

Signing up for the Math 20 series.

Nikola Tesla

This arrogant son-of-abitch not only thought he was better than God when he invented electricity, he also fucked pigeons. Yeah, that’s right. He wasn’t perfect, you Edison-hating fanboys!

Torture

ching Torture: Wat of “Joey”

every episode for eternity, including DVD versions with all the commentary.

Celebrity Sinner:

Sin:

This torture is for those who say, “I may not be a professional but I could definitely do that.” They will suffer torture by Jojo the Clown, who will continuously berate and chuck juggling pins at them.

: Taking the Math 20 Series. Yes, all of it, as you deserve.

Ignorance

Sin

: Not trusting the scientific method or subject matter experts, since you’re clearly a paragon of intelligence.

Sin

: Trying to justify racism as “colorblindness.”

Torture:

Permanently experiencing primate evolution, and being sent backwards every time you almost reach human.

Sin:

Not knowing where you are, dumbass.

Torture

: Having a bystander inform you, “You’re in the 11th circle of hell, Ignorance.”

Sin:

Celebrity Sinner:

Never properly learning Greek myths , you uncultured troglodyte.

Torture: ol’

Rolling big Zeus up the hill. He falls off the top eve ry time.

Mmm, that’s the smell of human soup and guess what — you’re one of the ingredients! The cannibals will be sure to shred off a little bit each time to make their favorite garnish last forever.

Surprisingly enough, murder isn’t what landed him here. The real crime of the Zodiac Killer was forgetting to pay his taxes on time. Being on a murderous rampage is no excuse for neglecting one of your most basic duties to society.

Jerkiness

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Celebrity Sinner:

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The first person he showed peanut butter to was a kid who was deathly allergic to peanut butter, and he definitely invented peanut butter just to kill that child. His barbaric acts are celebrated to this day, but he can’t get away with it in the afterlife.

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Being a damn . dirty Commie pinko

Sin:

Jerking off on your parents’ graves.

Sin

: Being the person that rifles through and touches all the cookies.

Torture:

Having to : Being drownedy jerk off to a video of your ingenuit Actually15CatsInATrenchcoat: parents having sex for all by the might and sm in a seeking eternity they capit n cats erica Seeking: 15 inali a trenchcoat partnerwhile who is alsowatch not 15 cats in a trenchcoat of AmNot from heaven. Now they’re This punishment is reserved for true jerks, like the guys who , repeatk wave of materialism . kept talking about how they “banged your mom.” Now they’ll glad you’re in hell. edly, ad infinitum be banged for eternity, after they are refashioned into a rocking drum set.

Torture

: Having everything you eat covered in the film that collects on pudding after it sits for a while.

Annoyance

Sin: Not putting the seat back down after peeing. Torture: Falling into the bowl of your

: Being actually colorblind. People will mistake your colorblindness for lack of a nuanced understanding of race issues.

George Washington Carver

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Sin:

Torture

The Zodiac Killer

Sin:

Telling people they are nothing but cogs in the machine.

Torture:

Being the middle-most piece in a very intricate and expansive Rube Goldberg machine.

Hell Toilet™ every time and splashing toilet water everywhere like a fool.

Sin

: Giving mediocre back massages.

Celebrity Sinner:

Walt Disney’s headless body His head may still be among the living, but Walt Disney’s decaying body is living it up in the thirteenth circle of hell. His mind may have given life to Disney princesses and cartoon mice, but from Disney’s neck down he was a sick puppy.

Torture

There is no greater punishment for internet trolls than having a dead phone. Instead of low hanging fruit, your outlet will be just out of reach and your charger will never plug in.

: Being forced to massage a crocodile really likes being massaged, since no human would enjoy your massages.

Being, Like, a Square, Man

Torture:

Every item you ever look at will be labeled, but the names of the labeled objects will always be misspelled.

Sin:

Bragging about your high school exam scores anytime after age 17.

Sin: Going to Renaissance Faires. Torture: You’re a virgin forever. Haha loser.

Torture

: Being surrounded by friends and loved ones who have lost respect for you. Oh wait...

Celebrity Sinner:

Sin

Jimmy Fallon

Yeah, Fallon died in like 2001 after a boating accident. He’s been here ever since for the sin of breaking character in every sketch on SNL. Satan has no idea who is up there in his place, but it is definitely not of this earth and definitely has no soul.

Sin

: Giving a child a perfectly normal name like Michaela but spelling it like Macaykala.

: Sitting in a chair backwards, and constantly readjusting so it looks like you are humping the chair. A jabroni like you deserves having your shoelaces perpetually tied together. While you’re bent over trying to wrangle your laces, you’re open to this solid jump kick! Bam! Eat brimstone, nerd!

Torture

: Giving a pep talk to an intramural football team of demons for all of eternity. Whenever you stop or make a nonsensical analogy, you’ll get whipped.