THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
I know Mom’s good. Because you can tell a person by what they are inside and I’ve been there. I’ve been inside and looked around. I know she’s great. — Blue Ivy Carter
Flip it over for the B-sides.
March 15, 2017
Professor Unable to Connect to Projector, Unable to Lecture
Volume XXIII Issue V
In This issue spicer’s t.v. actually just two sock puppets
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can you survive the old testament?
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ucsd murder mystery
6,7 9
cheat sheet for every test letters to the editor
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News in Brief PHOTO By jacob aguirre
After refusing help from the students for the fourth time, the professor again tried to find the mysterious “HDMI” inside his computer. By Sage Cristal
Assistant Content Editor
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ast Monday, David Queology, a professor at UCSD, told reporters that he completely lost his ability to lecture that morning due to irreparable technical difficulties. Queology reported that he had arrived at his 9 a.m. lecture anticipating that he would cover an entire chapter’s worth of information, but was met with “sorrow and utter disappointment” after his MacBook
Pro would not connect to the classroom’s projector. “For some reason he couldn’t get his HDMI cordplugged into his computer,” said Jane Gordon, one of Queology’s students. “He spent the first ten minutes of class restarting his computer over and over again to try to get his slides to project. That’s not how that works.” Students described their professor as becoming visibly frustrated by the ineffectiveness of restarting his computer,
but he refused to stop trying. “Professor Q took the projector remote, pointed it at the projector screen like it was a TV, and started mashing the power button,” Jason Evry, another one of Queology’s students, told reporters. “Like, has this dude ever seen a projector before? I mean, it didn’t work the first time he did it, so why did he keep doing it?” After that, Queology reportedly picked up his laptop and held it above his head, in his words, as a way to “get the
internet working again.” “He literally held his computer up to the ceiling like it was a cell phone that lost service,” Gordon said. “It didn’t work at first, so he climbed onto one of the desks and started to wave his laptop back and forth. He did that for a good 20 minutes before getting sweaty and out of breath.” After his last attempt at getting his computer to connect to the projector,
See professor, page 2
Local Comedian Sure This Joke Will Make Trump Resign by Kavita Poduri
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Staff Writer
ocal stand-up comedian Ashley Morrison wrote a new joke last Friday, which sources say is sure to force Trump to resign. Sources claimed that the joke was “savage,” that it “ripped Trump to shreds,” and that it “absolutely destroyed the man, just tore him apart at the seams, just atomized him completely and scattered his dust to the stellar winds and far galaxies — in a metaphorical sense, of course.” While the joke’s delivery has been limited to small shows around San Diego thus far, its success has not gone unnoticed in the national political discourse. Morrison, who has been touring the local comedy circuit for several years now and enjoying great success, devised the joke last week while tepidly watching CNN. Morrison then absently texted the joke to one of her friends. The friend responded enthusiastically, proclaiming that Morrison had “ended Trump for good.” Morrison, buoyed by her friend’s enthusiasm, began to integrate this joke into her routine, and preliminary tests seemed to indicate that it did in fact have the power to defeat the president. The joke has received a great deal attention from national pundits and political analysts, who are eager to see this joke in action; reports suggest that Morrison has tapped into a force that
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Too Barf Ridden To Be Considered Green O’Drunkagain’s Pub in South Boston has reportedly refused service to longtime patron Sam Kennedy this St. Patrick’s Day, stating his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt could no longer be called green due to all the barf stains. Kennedy, who has worn the same shirt every St. Patrick’s Day since 2005, was shocked by the bar’s decision. “How could they do this to me?” Kennedy wailed at an exposed brick wall. “My whole Paddy’s Day was ruined. Every year I sit at the same seat, chat up the same woman who wants nothing to do with me, throw up two out of
the six pints of Guinness that I drink, then go home to sit in front of ‘Good Will Hunting,’ but just the Ben Affleck parts. “I mean, the whole day was like this nightmare. And I wanted to wake up, but nobody would pinch me.” Kennedy spent the better part of the day roaming the Boston streets in loathing and self-reflection until his second favorite bar opened at 11:30 a.m. There was one passerby who appreciated the shirt, saying, “He had this awful stench of bile and societal ostracism. Just like my grandfather, and God knows he was Irish.”
Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”
PHOTO By connor gorry
Waiting backstage to follow Morrison’s “devastating” joke as the headlining act, Trump was heard saying he was ready to “Gallagher this sucka.” American politics has never seen before. “Remember the way ‘The Daily Show’ tore Bush apart?” one pundit asked. “That’s what we’re hoping for, but even bigger. After all, Bush only ended up serving two terms!” Despite this, Morrison reported some degree of anxiety on the subject. “I mean, there’s no way he can keep being president after this,” she said, shifting nervously. “But what if it doesn’t work?
I’ve tried everything: making fun of him, making fun of him harder, making fun of his personal qualities, making fun of his political choices — if this doesn’t do it, I’m at wit’s end.” Not all of Morrison’s friends were as enthusiastic. Some seemed less enthused, even lukewarm, about the whole affair. “I mean, it’s a pretty good joke,” said Zara Khan, one of Morrison’s more subdued friends. “It’s clever, I like it. But I don’t know, there’s
something about the way Ashley keeps making political jokes that is starting to bother some of us.” Khan then left, apologizing and saying she had a protest to attend. According to reports, Morrison intends to continue on as usual. Her joke will be delivered at her next stand-up performance, where experts anticipate it will call down a cosmic superbeing who will then forcibly remove Trump from office.
Goliath never saw it coming
Attempt to crossbreed humans and pugs great success
David never saw again
Also great mistake
Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m honestly shocked,” said Matalazano. “I knew all about how the Torah was the Old Testament, but I had no idea that Jesus’ arrival caused so much hoo-ha creating all these ‘differences.’” Matalazano reportedly was also unaware that the Qu’ran was not just “the Bible’s less popular and less well-written sequel.” “I was taught two things in Sunday school: 1) condoms only work 30 percent
of the time and 2) that we Catholics practiced the original and most important religion,” said Matalazano. “I’m not saying I don’t respect other religions; I just didn’t know they were so different.” Matalazano decided to address his ignorance by researching other religions. His research primarily consisted of asking his Jewish friends questions such as, “Wait, so why is Jesus not the best? … in your eyes, of course.” According to Matalazano’s Indian roommate, he has not yet discovered that Hinduism is not just “worshipping God but with more arms and cows.”
Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular songs thus far. “It’s a carefully curated selection,” said Jennifer Brand, the “Jen” of the sibling pair. “We heavily valued audience favorability, and it shows in the songs.” “We have to nail a particular musical voice in our debut,” said Victor Brand, the “Eric” of the brother and sister combo. “Any new listeners will immediately ‘get’ our quintessence with this record.” The duo plans to heavily tour to promote the record.
“We’ve only had two short gigs before — seven, eight songs each?” said Jen. “Hopefully, we at least play the full album every show.” The 13-song album opens with the spoken word “Enterlude,” follows with eight covers (three Disney, two of The Beatles, Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” Handel’s “Messiah Part II,” and Five For Fighting’s “Superman”), transitions to three originals (the soulful “Love You,” the mellow electronic ballad “Sad We Broke Up,” and the upbeat “Quit Your Jobs For Love!”), and closes with “Enterlude (Reprise).”
See BRIEFS, page 11