The MQ Volume 23 Issue 7 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. — Mel Brooks

Putting the “yes” in “yesterday’s news.”

June 7, 2017

Climate Change Denier Asked for Proof, Points to Rainbow

Volume XXIII Issue VII

In This issue Yuppie Doesn’t understand importance of healthcare

CS Major Found to be More Computer Than Man

A College Students’ yearbook Shark tank-style search for new fbi director begins Guide to determining prospects after graduation

6,7 9 10

News in Brief TA’s Tush Too Taut to Teach

One tourist was heard asking, “Hey, is that a dove?” to which another replied, “No, that’s soot.” BY Jen Windsor

MQ Cool Aunt rea environmental scientists asked Matthew Baker, a local climate change denier and activist, for proof during a debate on the existence of climate change and humanity’s role in it on Monday. Baker pointed to the image of a rainbow that he was using as the background for

all his slides, and said, “Humans have nothing to worry about! God promised to never flood the earth again.” The opposing side of the debate remained unconvinced. The annual discussion on global warming and climate change, hosted by the San Diego Community Creationists’ Society, was widely attended this year, following several

church congregations offering salvation bonus points and college classes offering extra credit for attending. A poll of the audience following the debate showed a fairly even split between those agreeing with the statement “global mean temperature has risen since 1800, and human activity has contributed to this increase” and those agreeing that “glob-

PHOTO By jessica ma

al temperatures have naturally fluctuated for thousands of years, and God will rapture all the good people in the next few years so none of this matters anyway.” When asked about his viewpoint after the debate, Baker reasserted that the bibli-

See rainbow, page 2

Sarah McLachlan Finally Adopted into Loving Home

the TA Testing Tribe is taking up the tenet. “TAs have to have a tautness in the thick of three and 10. Any tush tauter than 10 or a tush so toneless it does not top three is tainted,” tattled Torrance. “This TA, when on trial, had a tautness of 13! A tush this tense totally can’t teach.” Sadly, the school has not saved the spent scholarly supporter. In solidarity, students with snug and stiff seats have stopped studying and suppose the stink shall shift sentiment. When sought for speculation on subsequent steps, the shunned scholar very seriously shot back: “Soon. Soon.”

College Student Leaves Bed at 8:23 AM

By Paola Diaz Staff Writer

very day in America, thousands of animals suffer from cruelty and neglect. Thousands were rescued last year, and for one Canadian pop star, help finally came. Three time Grammy award winner and 2010 Winter Olympics opening ceremony performer Sarah McLachlan has recently been adopted by a Iowan family of four, the Johnsons. This will be the first human adoption done by the ASPCA. “My husband and I have been fans of Sarah for years,” says John Johnson, father of two. “We’ve always been kinda unsure about it, but now that the kids are old enough, we feel it’s a good time to teach them about responsibility, and what better starting point than with a 49-year-old singer songwriter?” “We’re so excited to have Sarah in our home,” added Jonathan Johnson, who goes by ‘Jon,’ to avoid confusion. “For years, whenever the commercial came on, our kids would say, ‘Dads! Dads! Can we have one?’ and finally, we’re getting our own Sarah McLachlan.” ASPCA President and doghaver Matthew Bershadker describes McLachlan’s adoption process as another example of the organization’s mission to help sad-looking pets in com-

Bartholomew Batson, a budding biologist, was bypassed for the job of briefer on Biology for Beginners due to his bum’s lack of bendability. Before he went berserk, Batson blabbed ‘bout his bewilderment. “Under an umbrella of unambiguous ultimatums, this is an unfortunate and unexpected upheaval. I urge the university to unite, to come to an understanding, and to upend this uninspiring upset,” uttered Batson. To the trained eye, testing the tautness of the tush is not taboo when tackling TA teachability. Though the once-tentative TA thinks “too taut” is not a true trial to his teaching technique, Teresa Talaie of

PHOTO By Katherine Wood

“No! Bad Sarah! No ripping the couch. No 60 cents for you today,” said John Johnson, Sarah McLachlan’s owner. mercials. “People had been calling in for Sarah ever since we started airing that commercial in 2006,” recalled Bershadker. “At first we were pleased to see that her song ‘Angel’ was drawing attention, so we kept her on. We knew the song was special, since Sarah wrote it after the keyboardist for Smashing Pumpkins died. That sorta thing doesn’t happen every day, and it’s helped us raise over $30 million since then. “But we feel like it’s time for our organization to move in a new direction,” adds Bershadker. “The commercial’s just too sad,” said Bershadker. We now

want something more ‘Goldie Locks’ sad. Like, sad enough that you wanna donate and maybe pet your dog a little harder, so sad that your life becomes the subject of a Netflix original series involving tapes and troubled teens? “So we started responding to the calls asking about how to adopt Sarah, but being a humane society, we needed to ensure she was going to a good home. The application from the Johnsons seemed the most promising; a nice family from New Labrador, Iowa, who were willing to provide Sarah with her own freezer and maple syrup. We had found our angels.”

When reached for comment, McLachlan released a statement expressing her refusal to comply with the adoption process, claiming “I have a house and two kids. I’m not going to Iowa.” The case may go to trial to contest McLachlan’s spokesperson deal with the ASPCA, deciding whether the organization can contractually enforce the adoption of anyone appearing in their commercials. And for only $18 a month - that’s 60 cents a day - you can call (512) 879-8839 to donate to McLachlan’s legal defense, and make a difference in the lives of C-list celebrities.

Token Diversity Hire Endures Racism in the Workplace

Cold War Sleeper Agent Activated After 40 Years

Still incorrectly called “alligator”

Sets her sights on getting that bastard Kennedy

A rustle followed a sigh following a slap at the nearby smartphone 13 minutes after the first alarm. A fleeting sense of anticipation for a morning meeting drowned out by a quilt slipping further over shoulders. Time passes. A slight leg movement in the direction of the edge of the bed. A second sigh. The smartphone is lost in the pillow. A spare penny resting on the bed frame drops beside a single nickel. The second alarm. A second nickel lying on the floor. Rustling under sheets. No further move-

ment. A smooshed granola bar. Exactly two pens fallen out of a backpack. Silence absorbs all. Time continues. A third alarm. A quarter and two more pennies under a rug. Condensation on a water glass. Morning dew. Rustling. Rest. A bent charging cord. Crinkled graph paper. Orange peel in a trash can. Alarm. The corner of a shelf. The edge of a book. Almonds. Two peanuts in a bag. Sigh. Sleep. Smooth laundry. Alarm. Jolting. Smartphone. Artificial light. Panicking. Feet on carpet. Slamming door.

Fifth Year Excited to be Dysfunctional Mother Figure to Younger Friends Sierra Griffin, finishing up her fourth year in Marshall College, stated on Friday that she was “excited to be a mother figure to her younger friends,” when asked about her plans for next year. “I really think that my intense weariness after four years of stupid econ classes has really prepared me to give the half-hearted effort required of a mom,” said Griffin. “God, I hate econ. And I feel like my dissatisfaction is all built up and ready to surface at home in the form of limited patience with my kids — er, friends.” Griffin noted she was

already feeling the traditional sensations of entrapment and began wondering about her life choices. “Maybe I shouldn’t have decided to have friends. You know, after a long day of arguing about the monetary value of a human life, all I want to do is sit back with a bottle of wine and watch ‘Scandal,’ not spend my precious remaining energy talking to them or playing games like beer pong.” “Maybe I’ll just buy them gummy bears and an iPad.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

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June 7, 2017

Chinese Students Protest Dalai Lama Speech by Annexing Tibetan Student Association

“Let’s settle this once and for all, like two proper orgs,” said one student, pulling out the cornhole. By Chris Jin

Assistant Content Editor

he Chinese Student and Scholars Association has stepped up its recent protests against the 14th Dalai Lama being named the keynote speaker at this year’s Commencement is part of a continuing campaign by the CSSA against a figure that they regard as “a threat to Chinese territorial integrity.” In what has been the Association’s boldest act of opposition yet, the CSSA has announced their occupation and annexation of UCSD’s nascent Tibetan Student Association, claiming to have “liberated the Tibetan Student Association from the imperialist influence of Western student organizations” in their conquest. The occupation began shortly after the TSA formally rejected the CSSA’s demands for the TSA to “voluntarily liberate” their meeting space and for the TSA to replace their “Dolly Llama” mascot with a considerably less fluffy “Poncho Llama” mascot. A

routine weekly meeting of the TSA following the official repudiation was suddenly interrupted by a large group of CSSA members, armed with water pistols and Nerf guns and threatened to “unify their fists” with the faces of uncooperative TSA members. Under threat of force from the advancing CSSA officers, the TSA leadership reluctantly signed a prepared document in which, among other things, the TSA would recognize the CSSA as its sovereign and begin “expelling imperialist influences” such as pizza parties “with wholly non-Chinese toppings” and sloshball events with Christian student organizations. The CSSA then proceeded to subsume all standard operations of the TSA, and the TSA leadership was forced to relocate to the back corner of the Indian Student Association’s general body meetings. The annexation has been met with significant outcry, with many student organizations on campus denouncing the CSSA’s actions and pledging support for the TSA’s

executive-board-in-exile. However, CSSA president Peng Wen maintains that the CSSA’s actions were legitimate. “China and Tibet have been one ever since the Yuan Dynasty, and as we know, the international community has an unwritten rule of ‘no takebacksies,’” stated Wen. “Besides, we have freed the Tibetan students from the shackles of Western colonialism by conquering them in the name of establishing civilization in the Chinese sense of the word. I don’t see what the fuss is about. We, as Chinese, have self-determined that the Tibetans should self-determine themselves to be Chinese.” Various members of the university’s history department and political science department have argued against the official CSSA justification. Professor Po Lisai notes that Chinese claims to Tibet are historically dubious to a degree. “They say that Tibet has been an integral part of China since the Yuan Dynasty, but Tibet was independent of China throughout the Ming Dynasty

continued from page 1:

Rainbow

cal story of Noah and the great flood was completely true, and that while it provided a warning to “fornicators,” it also meant that God would never allow another flood because of his promise. “It says right there in Genesis, ‘Never again will I curse the ground because of humans,’” Baker said. “All these quote unquote scientists are pretending that there’s a danger of global water levels rising. My take? Not gonna happen. And I only need two numbers to prove that: eight and 21.” Amy Stevenson, Baker’s opposition in the event and a Christian herself, said in the debate that the biblical story of Noah could be metaphorical. “The overwhelming evidence for human-caused climate change by no means contradicts God’s sovereignty,” Baker claimed. “On the contrary, studying what humans have done to God’s creation can help us reverse those effects and preserve it.” Baker laughed at this and responded that God had clearly closed Stevenson’s eyes and ears on this issue, and that he would be praying for her.

Baker argued further that other effects of climate change, such as increasing ocean toxicity, were merely examples of God’s will being carried out rather than human influence. “God has a plan for all of us,” Baker asserted, “and if that plan includes the sea becoming lifeless and the earth a scorching desert, then clearly God has his reasons. The only ‘man-made’ part of all of this is the inevitable unspeakable sins of our posterity that clearly justified God punishing them by having them born into Hell on Earth.” When later questioned why God would condemn sinners before they have sinned, Baker merely shrugged his shoulders, saying, “That’s just the mystery of faith!” He then lit a prayer candle to prove a point about how slash-andburn agriculture had no effect on the environment. At press time, Baker was engaged in a heated discussion with a local humanitarian charity representative, arguing that if homeless people just had enough faith, their needs would be provided for by God.

PHOTO By Jessica ma

and the ROC Eras,” explains Lisai. “Plus, the Yuan and Qing dynasties, which were the only Imperial dynasties to also claim sovereignty over Tibet, were both established by nonHan Chinese invaders. The current claim to Tibet is basically based on the geopolitical equivalent of licking something to claim it as your own, except that thing was licked by someone else who happened to lick you first, which apparently gives you permission to just stuff the whole goddamn thing in your mouth.” Due to the “fait accompli” nature of the takeover, little tangible action has been taken to help restore the TSA leadership to power. However, the TSA leaders remain undaunted. “We will follow the example of the Dalai Lama,” read a joint statement by the TSA executive-board-in-exile. “We will bide our time, and patiently wear down the CSSA through peaceful protest and civil resistance. And, maybe, in 50 years, we will be invited to give a speech at another university and be protested by a Chinese student association.”

TOP Ten

Reasons You’re Not Getting Your Security Deposit Back 10. All the blood 9. You cleaned too rigorously and dissolved the top of the floor 8. There’s no training wheel equivalent when it comes to property ownership 7. The Homeowners’ Association doesn’t like the length of your bushes 6. Avant-garde art clearly isn’t for everyone 5. Too much vigorous hip movement 4. There were practical issues with sledgehammer soccer that didn’t reveal themselves until after you started 3. Duct tape doesn’t fix everything 2. “Hey, watch me put this fuckin’ chair through the wall” 1. “Whoa, that fuckin’ chair’s through the wall”

Editor-in-Chief...............................Barak Tzori Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor................Hannah Rosenblatt Content Editor.......................Cole Greenbaun Assistant Content Editor.............Sage Cristal Assistant Content Editor....................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.................Matt Olson Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor..........................Ingrid Sorensen Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde Assistant Design Editor................Jay Noonan Graphics Editor..........................Connor Gorry

Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Assistant Graphics Editor.............Jessica Ma Copy Editor..................................Jaz Twersky Assistant Copy Editor...............Alex Vollhardt Assistant Copy Editor...............Rhys Shriver Publicity Chair..........................Summer Davis Social Chair..............................Hannah Lykins Soc/Pub Ottoman............Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain...................Daniel Clinton Distribution Lieutenant.............Chris Doherty Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jen Windsor Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

The sweet, sweet smell of finals.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2017 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. We made it. This last cycle of the year and this last production of the year was a blossoming. Junior editors came into their own, working at the levels they’ll take on next year. I personally have seen editors in every department grow hugely this year and fill themselves out going forward. It’s not easy to lead a department on your own for the first time. The responsibilities seem huge, the delagatee becomes the delegator, and all of a sudden you look down at twelve pages and say, “I built that”. It’s not mine to dedicate, but this issue is for those editors, the new ones of next year, the editors who’ll joke after we’re gone, and who’ll make for themselves proud experiences. The final editor on our list of “my-year-graduators” is me. I’ll tell this many times again to MQers and to anyone dear to my life – The MQ is the reason I am who I am. With The MQ I found my best self, whether that be sense of humor, sense of humanity, or anything. I have been rewarded all four years by everyone around me, there are too many people to start listing, and the lessons I’ve learned continue to pay dividends. This is not enough, it can’t be, but humbly, thank you.

Mishelle Arakelian Andrew Buss Sarah Cain Kenny Cheng Daniel Chit Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz David Vereau Gorbitz Katie Hallsten

Andres HernandezCosme Amin Fozi Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Samprith Kalakata Leander Kanowski Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Chris Lee Nadia Link

Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Yash Pande Kavita Poduri Tanner Prater

Jerry Ramirez Rohan Rangray Vida Sadeghi Angelica Sun Doni Tadesse Luke Tribble Sarah Wernher Michael Ye Samira Yeganegi Ricky Zhao

Booster Club Thank you to everyone who donated food and/or dining dollars for our last production of the year! Thanks to Jen, Matt M., and Hannah L., for bringing cake, donuts, and soda, respectively. Special thanks for to Mishelle, Sophia, Jay, Sage, Annie, and Connor for taking people to John’s throughout the weekend. Additional thanks to MQ alumni Andrew and Trev for all the extra goodies, Jaz for bringing in two (2) cookies, and Alex for bringing Tanner, who brought us Oreos.

theMQ.org

June 7, 2017

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Area Yuppie’s Parents Unable to Pay Bills or Convince Son to “Help out a Bit”

PHOTO By Hannah Rosenblatt

“Oh come on mom, don’t bring up that birth shit again. Nine months my ass,” said Edward Crosby-Johnson. By Lawrence Lee and Barak Tzori Web Editor and Editor-In-Chief

harles Crosby and Abigail Johnson, parents of young urban professional Edward Crosby-Johnson, received their third late billing notice from Bethesda Naval Hospital on Thursday. Their inability to cover their medical expenses was coupled with the inability to convince their son to “come on, help out a bit.” Chronic back pain has followed Mr. Crosby out of the jungles of South Vietnam, manifesting itself as a herniated disc almost 40 years later. This has kept the combat veteran temporarily away from his veterinary office, leaving Mrs. Johnson’s meager takehome salary as an ESL teacher as their only source of income. Without health insurance, the elderly educator and the veteran veterinarian have found themselves with too many bills

to pin on their refrigerator. “Honey, it’s the magnets! They’re the limiting factor,” Crosby mused. “It wasn’t cheap to put Eddy through Devon Prep Academy, and it certainly wasn’t cheaper to put him through Wharton,” said Johnson. “We don’t have a lot of cash on hand right now, and we’ve been trying so hard to finish paying off those student loans that we couldn’t save for situations like this. I don’t know how else we’d get the $100,000 to pay the bills for the operations besides asking Eddy.” Crosby-Johnson is a senior account manager at Shoreline Investments, where he earns $450,000 a year. In addition, he can earn a 10% potential yearly bonus, which he “pretty much always gets” due to “being pretty good at his job.” “So yeah I max out my 401k, if you know what I mean,” he said, winking. Crosby and Johnson had

been desperately hoping that their son could “give back to the family for once” and “lay off the escort services for a bit.” In response to his parents’ bruised prides and cries for help, Crosby-Johnson has reportedly stated on multiple occasions including at the dinner table and right after church that “people should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” “I did it, I’m financially independent,” claimed Crosby-Johnson. “And besides, doesn’t Obamacare cover you until I’m 26?” Feeling more and more pressure from his parents, Crosby-Johnson turned to his younger brother Nedward “Ned” Johnson-Crosby. Crosby-Johnson made efforts to persuade his brother to help out in his stead, allegedly using such tried and true statements as “you always like helping Mom around the house,” and “come on little bro, just this once?”

Johnson-Crosby, who took his mother’s name first to distinct himself from the growing Crosby-Johnson Trust brand, gently reminded his older brother that he was stationed overseas, protecting American assets in the Caribbean. “Well, my money’s also stationed overseas in the Caymans! This isn’t easy for me either you know,” CrosbyJohnson retorted. This exchange left Crosby, Johnson, Crosby-Johnson, and Johnson-Crosby in what experts agreed was a “crunchy financial pickle.” At press time, Crosby-Johnson was seen having a change of heart, as he began to consider the financial burden of arranging his father’s funeral separately from his mother’s. Crosby-Johnson eventually conceded, “I guess I can mail them a fiver,” while pulling five one-dollar bills out of his Velcro wallet. “But they better not expect me to use a Forever Stamp.”

Police Investigate UCSD, Still Unsure If Arsons Were Crime or Civic Duty BY Jay Noonan

Assistant Design Editor

n the morning of April 17, UCSD students awoke to learn that four of the Fairbanks coffee carts had gone up in flames in a coordinated act of arson. Police began an investigation while trying to contain the “chaos that erupted on campus” due to students suddenly being without their usual dose of caffeine. Many were seen trying to salvage the remaining coffee grounds from the ashes before being shooed away by police. Many students had mixed feelings. “Technically this is beneficial for the university,” noted the chief of police, “since it will increase revenue for the markets. Maybe the arsonist really thought they were helping.” “Are you telling me I need to buy my daily 16 oz caramel macchiatos with a double shot of espresso from the markets like some kind of savage?!” complained Steven Goldberg, a fourth year engineering major from Warren. “I thought that once I moved off campus, I’d never have to go back to that ghost town they call ‘Earl’s Place’ ever again.” “I mean, it’s just a coffee cart,” claimed Robert Afton, a first year. “It’s not like that’s the only place on campus where you can get coffee. Just go to the markets and use Dining Dollars. It’s not like it’s

POINT

You’re Making Me Uncomfortable With How Frequently You Write Fanfictions By Tim Lossifer

Josh’s Roommate

osh, we need to talk. I know that you’re enjoying your ... “creative writing” and I know that it’s making you happy, but at a certain point you need to step back and realize how it’s affecting the people around you. I know you’re making money on the internet by filling requests for people. It’s great that you’re expanding your portfolio for when you find a real job, but you need to stop writing these ... “weird” stories. Honestly, it was almost okay when you were just writing stories about how you and Mario went to the store and bought bagels — it was a little weird, but I was okay with it. But then you started writing stories about Naruto and Rick Ord 69-ing while code was compiling, and I don’t know how I can look you in the eye after that.

I don’t know if it’s the content and how graphic they’re getting, or if it’s that you’re writing it about people I know, but either way you’re destroying interpersonal relationships and burning potential job connections for both of us. I’m known around campus as “the roommate of the guy that wrote a story about Khosla fingering the Triton statue” and that’s not good for me on a professional level. Please, Josh. Stop this. Stop before this gets too personal and invasive.

COUNTERPOINT

Tim Stroked the Newspaper Gently ((LEMON)) By Smut44_sasuketrash

Tim’s Roommate

im met the newspaper’s gaze as he gently caressed its drop caps. The paper fluttered away in a whirlwind of emotion. “Baka,” the newspaper muttered. How dare Tim lift up its skirt like that. Tim’s eyes subconsciously dropped down towards its corners. All the times he had watched this newspaper from afar as it was handed out on Library Walk. His chest hurt at the thought of anyone holding the paper but him. The newspaper crinkled as it folded its edges away from Tim’s gaze. Its grey surface blushed red as it stuttered, “I cannot, not until the 4,000th copy gets handed out.” “You can if you’re ready,” Tim breathed, fingering the newspaper’s sharp edges. How closed off it was. Its front page flashes so wildly; it acts so fluttery and flirty that no one really understands how insecure it is. The newspaper wanted to open up, but it couldn’t.

It physically couldn’t make itself, as if it were being held shut by strong invisible hands. How could it tell Tim how it feels without sounding like it was turning Tim down? All these emotions muddied within the newspaper, and it couldn’t look Tim in the eye. Tim sensed the newspaper crinkle. “It’s okay,” Tim said, a tinge of panic in his voice. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.” He removed his hand from it before he touched its page number. This newsflash made the newspaper’s news flush. Maybe Tim could be the one to unfold its centerspread after all.

TOP Ten

Ways You Know You Peaked in High School

PHOTO By Daniel clinton

What was originally believed to be a vigil for the coffee cart turned out to be a content group of students roasting hot dogs and kumbaya-ing. real money anyway. I mean, I’m down to about 20 dollars, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.” While the police are still stunned, an anonymous student has reportedly, after careful examination of some more obscure regulations, proposed a possible motive. “It’s simple, you see. The term ‘pass by catastrophe’ guarantees that, if the university is burned down or otherwise destroyed, all current students graduate with

a bachelor's,” they began, the faint smell of gasoline wafting off their clothes. “I’m not saying that I’d go as far as burning down some coffee carts just to avoid debt, but come on, who wouldn’t?” Within a few hours of proposing the idea and a few posts to the UCSD meme page, most other students seemed on board with this idea. There were reports of engineering students and biochemistry students joining

forces to design some sort of chemical bomb. However, not all students seemed thrilled with the proposed idea, including Goldberg. “I’m a fourth year, I’ve already paid all of my tuition! How does this help me at all? I’m just saying, whoever did this has no concept of common decency. Coffee is sacred, it’s the lifeblood of a college student … ” He trailed off, staring at nothing in particular. “My lifeblood … ”

10. You’re still wearing your letterman jacket four years later 9. Most of your conversations with friends begin with, “Hey, remember that time in precalc…” 8. You occasionally email your 10th grade history teacher 7. Your parents used to tell all of their friends about you 6. You still list extracurriculars on your resume 5. You still get that thrill when you click “Yes, I’m Over 18” on porn sites 4. Now you send all of the friend requests 3. Your greatest accomplishment was being on honor roll in high school 2. You’re the only one looking forward to your high school reunion 1. You’re still riding the high off of those AP credits

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theMQ.org

June 7, 2017

Bystander-Performed Surgery Not Completely Fatal, Proves Non-Necessity of Healthcare

Celebrating the Fourth of July When You’re Not That Proud of Your Country The Fourth of July is right around the corner! It’s time to celebrate how proud we are to be citizens of the greatest country on Earth! What’s that? You’re not really feeling all that proud to be American this year? Nonsense! Turn that frown upside down and check out how to be festive even if you’re not in the patriotic spirit!

Activities to Do:

“Hey, look — if I do CPR, the blood squirts REEEAL far,” noted Gaulle. By Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor

an Diego local Marc Lehman was reported as “still mostly alive” after suffering a severe car crash in early May. Lehman’s survival is being hailed by many as a breakthrough in medical science, as he was treated by a bystander, Amy Gaulle, passing the crash with no medical training. Lehman is currently recovering at his home on a strict regimen of water and the strongest pain killers available without a prescription. Since the crash, he has only experienced minor incidents of blacking out, extremely painful outbursts, and vomiting blood. Lehman’s experience is being used as an example of effective, cheap medical care without governmental intervention by several members of Congress. While promoting the implementation of the American Health Care Act,

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan invited Lehman to speak, and cited Gaulle’s efforts as “showing a level of ingenuity and responsibility that the federal government could never compete with.” Lehman has since become a proud spokesperson for amateur medical intervention, but was unable to make an appearance after seizing and passing out earlier that morning. In an interview following the initial crash, Gaulle explained that she was able to use two metal rods to remove larger chunks of debris in Lehman’s abdomen which she sterilized using a handle of vodka she had purchased earlier that day. She then wrapped a large portion of his chest and stomach in a ripped-up T-shirt and a towel found in Lehman’s trunk. “I’m just happy that I was able to help,” explained Gaulle. “It was incredible to witness firsthand the power of creativity in the face of

necessity. I just want people to know that if I can provide medical aid to a man without the government giving me an official ‘clean room’ or scalpels, then so can you.” Gaulle, now invested in the recovery of her patient, has initiated several follow-up tests for blood pressure, heart rate, and reflexes; however, the data set was left incomplete after Lehman went into shock during his most recent check-up. After his initial recovery, Lehman agreed to an interview about his support for the non-medically trained. “I am glad to see people so interested in these cost-effective medical techniques,” Lehman exclaimed. “I think that this shows how widely available medical care can be, which is why I’m advocating so much for my new Non-Profit MediCARE2.0 aiming to arm every citizen with a metal rod, dirty shirt, and handle of vodka by …

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

What? Yes, it’s completely fine that my ear is bleeding right now … Yeah, the pus is normal too don’t worry… Yeah, I want to give everyone the vodka by 2020.” The interview was cut short soon after Lehman’s response, to allow him time to recover feeling in the left half of his body. This make-shift medical care is projected to become more popular in the coming years, as the American Medical Association has announced new free training programs elaborating on Gaulle’s techniques. The programs aim to encourage innovation and spontaneity in medicine, and is also encouraging more people to take health and medical treatment into their own hands, instead of relying on others. At press time, Lehman had taken a brief break from a meeting planning one of the new AMA programs to slip into a coma.

Graduating Senior Finds Graduated Cylinder More Accurate Than “Eyeballing It” By David Vereau Gorbitz

Staff Writer

ast week, graduating senior Hank Marlon had a huge discovery when he was about to enter his last laboratory class, BIMM 121. He came forward in a press conference to share his newly found knowledge with reporters. “You see,” Marlon started explaining, “Apparently, when you use a graduated cylinder to measure volume, rather than estimating, it is much easier to get the amount you wanted than just eyeballing it.” Marlon seemed completely flabbergasted, according to his friends, and this discovery had changed the way he approached life. “All my life, my lab TAs have bugged me about using graduated cylinders. ‘Hank, you can’t just eyeball five milliliters.’ ‘Hank don’t just use your graduated cylinder as waste disposal.’ I personally thought their job description was just to be dicks to people when they were doing things the easy way.” According to Marlon’s roommate Peter Cranston, this is starting to become a problem. “Hank used to be a really laid back person, but after his concurrence with this new measuring tool, he has just been anal about it,” said Cranston. “I can’t fry eggs in my own house without him notifying me that I’m using three milliliters of oil more than the optimum amount

A Fourth of July gathering isn’t complete without entertaining activities and party games to play with friends. Have a fun space race, where everyone voluntarily joins one of three teams and the first two teams compete to force the third team to join their team (even though the second team is always required to lose at the end.) Then, after playing an engaging, thoughtful game of hide-and-seek with your tax returns, lighten the mood with a round of Pin the Tail on the Parts of Afghanistan Still Not Under US Control, which is an easy party game that even youngsters can succeed at. Feeling that American exceptionalism yet? If not, then it’s clear that you’re just a Grumpy Greg and it’s better for everyone if you just did some non-American activities on your own, like voting or reading.

Food to Eat: Nothing says “party” like a cake, nothing says “Fourth of July party” like an American flagthemed cake, and definitely nothing says “I’m dissatisfied with the two-party system” like having a Canadian flag pattern inside that cake! If you want to double-down even more on your passive-aggressive threats to move to Canada, put some Canadian bacon on the grill instead of normal bacon and switch out the usual bottles of soda with bags of soda.

Places to Go: Start the day by paying a visit to your local DMV branch. Sure, the DMV is closed on Independence Day, but that’s the point — there’s nothing more American than accomplishing nothing at the DMV. Later in the day, try your hand at participating in a Civil War reenactment that becomes increasingly revisionist with each passing moment! You’ll never have more fun decisively winning the War of Northern Aggression at the Battle of Gettysburg!

What to Wear:

PHOTO By JESSICA MA

“I’m just happy that I can leave this place knowing that the football field was 314.8 graduated cylinders long,” said Marlon. when I just eyeball how much it will take for me to cook the eggs without them sticking to the pan.” Hank has measured the majority of known substances. He claims that he will be able to measure how impressed people were at this newfound obsession. “No one really cares, but he insists on being called the modern era Archimedes,” Cranston said. Marlon’s mother Grace remarked that she has become increasingly exasperated by her son’s volume measuring agenda. “It is great that my Hank has discovered that sometimes putting effort into your activities pays dividends,”

she said, “but I wish he could apply it to some other activity — hopefully one more useful than this god-awful volume measuring. I am worried this might develop into a compulsion. I think that he will try to measure our cats when he gets home, and I am sure they won’t be enthusiastic by it.” As a graduating student, Marlon was relieved to have found a new life direction. After choosing his microbiology class at random, he gradually discovered the merits of accurate measuring. “I would never have guessed that I would find one of my life’s biggest and profound passions on such

a random choice,” Marlon confided. “Apparently, knowing how to properly measure volume is also a pretty good skill to have if you are studying microbes! My goal is to spread this knowledge around the world. Nobody should live in the equivalent of the Stone Age like I have for so many years.” Marlon’s friends left him a goodbye postcard with a pipet drawn on it to wish him good luck in future endeavors. The message said, “May your instruments be always appropriately calibrated!” Since then, Marlon has been in a coma; his parents stated that he couldn’t bear the realization that he has been trying to measure volume with a balance all this time.

If you’re feeling particularly ambivalent on Independence Day, you can wear all white. The total neutrality of white clothing will perfectly broadcast your indifference towards your country and your respect for George Washington’s warnings against foreign entanglements. If you’re feeling more bold than that, a kilt is the perfect way to celebrate the heroes of the Revolutionary War — it is a universal symbol of violently resisting those stuffy crumpet-eating Englishmen. And no matter what, be sure to wear your Star-Spangled Sweater™ to show your commitment to the ideals of rugged individualism and unbridled capitalism, sponsored by Walmart.

Press ‘9’ for more options.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

June 7, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 5

The Wiggles Found to Be Implicated in Dissolution of the Soviet Union

EDITORIAL

Baywatch Too Deep for General Audiences

By leonard jeroffsky Cultural Taste-Tester

PHOTO By matthew mcmahon

Archaeologists also unearthed a few different-colored turtleneck sweaters, lending further insight into Soviet Union-era fashion. by Sage Cristal

Assistant Content Editor

n December 26, 1991 the people of the former Soviet Republics rejoiced at their newly acknowledged independence with the official dissolution of the Soviet Union. On that same date in Sydney, Australia, a children’s music group called The Wiggles had their debut performance at a daycare facility for a dozen adoring fans. These occurrences were viewed as separate, unrelated events by the general public — until now. Last Monday, a group of paleontologists from the University of California, Berkeley went on an excursion to the Australian Broadcasting Company (ABC) studio in search for Australian dinosaur remains. To their surprise, the group unearthed an even greater discovery. “When we broke through the topsoil we saw what looked like a VHS tape. After carefully dusting it off we could clearly

make out the words ‘Hot Potato’ and what appeared to say ‘Hoop-Dee-Doo It’s a Wiggly Party,’” said Paula Mendoza, the chief paleontologist. “It was absolutely riveting, so you couldn’t stop there! It was lunch time, but I decided that my egg salad sandwich could wait; history was unfolding right in front of my eyes! “We began digging frantically, and were able to uncover manifestos on the Cold War, as well as the secession plans of all 15 states of the Soviet Union,” said Mendoza. She then related that her team found nine manifestos that were signed by the individual members of The Wiggles, as well as their manager. Mendoza held up one of the manifestos, titled “Cutting Off the Head of the Soviet Union, and the Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” and told reporters, “This specific manifesto explicitly lists at least a third of the Soviet nuclear missile launch codes from 1991. It’s very impressive, but the question still stands:

Why were The Wiggles hell bent on the dissolution of the Soviet Union?” This question has dominated historical discourse ever since these artifacts were unearthed. Arnold Dale, a professor of history at Cornell University, believes that Greg Page, the infamous yellow Wiggle, had ties to Boris Yeltsin, Russia’s first democratically elected president. “Boris declared Russia’s independence of the Soviet Union in 1991,” said Dale. “This may seem trivial, but he won 57 percent of the popular vote that year. If you start to dissect that number, you can see the connection. “During the 2011 recession The Wiggles earned $28 million. In the span of their career, The Wiggles sold 23 million DVDs and 7 million CDs. The rest is simple math: 28 plus 23 plus seven equals 58. And if you subtract one for the number of female Wiggles in existence, you get the number 57.

“Now, you may be unsure of how Greg Page is The Wiggles’ tie to Boris Yeltsin. That’s because you have never seen pictures of them side-byside,” said Dale, holding up two headshots that appeared to be of Greg Page and Boris Yeltsin. “The resemblance is uncanny. They are obviously brothers who were separated at birth, or one of them is the other’s estranged father. Or maybe even both ... ” Due to the overwhelming amount of physical evidence unearthed by historians, it is safe to say that The Wiggles were not only an integral part of the group that broke up the Soviet Union, but their influence may be able to be seen in other countries. “My research students are looking at the potential connection between The Wiggles and the Irish Potato Famine of the mid-1800s,” said Dale. “We are very optimistic that we can find a link and then milk it for all the research grants we could ever dream of!”

Graduating Student More Computer Than Scientist By Barak Tzori Editor-in-Chief

raduating computer science major Ilan Hannan was struck by the realization this week that his degree prepared him to be more of a computer than a scientist. “I assumed we would be testing hypotheses more,” said Hannan, who got an A in his recent CSE172 course, Telling Apart Ones and Zeros. “I thought that having a science background would allow me to work in a variety of fields. Guess it does, as long as those fields need someone to shut up and code.” Hannan, described by peers as “basically an ALU with eyes,” has been struggling to find permanent employment after graduation. Despite UCSD’s Computer Science program making him an extremely capable and hirable applicant for most hi-tech industry jobs, the small shred of humanity left inside this overheated CPU of a man has hindered Hannan from fulfilling his purpose and reaching out to the multiple high-paying jobs he can secure. “Shouldn’t I experiment with doing something I love?” Hannan asked himself, in a way clearly only a flawed reinforcement learning machine could. “I have all these directions I could go in, and these theories for how I would feel if they went right or wrong, and I know what I could do to

his summer is chock full of studio driven, massappeal, action blockbusters leaving little space for anything not trying to gross a billion dollars. From the new King Arthur to the fifth Pirates movie, this summer’s slate is shaping up to be a disappointment. But like a diamond in the rough, Baywatch has come to save us. Baywatch is a satirical look at the sheer amount of bad blockbuster movies being pushed out of the gaping anal cavity of studios like Sony and Paramount. Baywatch satirizes every aspect of these films, from the beautiful, yet actingincompetent cast, to the generic plot. Even the concept of the film is clearly satirizing the trend of rebooting films and shows from the 1980’s that no one wants. I mean who would honestly ever want a rebooted Baywatch movie? No one! And that is where the genius of this film lies. First the film tries to capture how unfunny blockbuster movies are. Every time a joke is said, the theater is completely silent — a hilarious take on the lack of effort in jokes in these types of films. Baywatch even goes the extra mile to have an R rating, yet doesn’t even show any sexual scenes or creatively harsh language, satirizing

how these films try so hard to be safe enough to be PG-13. Even an R rated film is just as terrible playing it safe. Next, the film purposefully has terrible CGI. Every action scene, from its clever take on the “every film with a jet ski scene is bad” to its scenes where Johnson saves people from a burning boat, utilizes CGI that is laughable by today’s standards. Here Johnson tries to show us how CGI-heavy blockbuster films have lost their sense of reality, as well as their originality. Finally, Baywatch makes sure to capitalize on the satire by having the characters point out how “cheesy” the plot and dialogue sounds and how “stupid” the original TV show was in having lifeguards solve crimes. This over-thetop obviousness is purposefully done badly, and never truly lands, in order to satirize the recent 21 Jump Street films which satirized the original TV show and current day reboots. So Baywatch not only satirizes blockbuster movies by being so purposefully bad, it satirizes films which try to satirize blockbuster reboots! It’s purely self-referential, comedy genius! In the end, Baywatch is a satirical masterpiece that doesn’t deserve the harsh reaction it’s received from critics. Anyone who watches and thinks it’s a bad movie isn’t looking deep enough into the film’s message. It’s too smart of a movie for critics, and they hate great cinema, as Johnson has pointed out on Twitter recently. In conclusion, the perfect quote to sum up the films that Baywatch satirizes was said by Zac Efron’s character Matt Brody, when Brody sits down in a movie theater in the middle of the film to watch the fake movie “WatchBay.” As he put it: “This movie fucking sucks.”

TOP Ten

Similarities Between Your Midterm and Your Estranged Father 10. They both failed you 9. Sprung up on you in the middle of your biology class 8. Still surprisingly good at making you feel insecure 7. You have a new one every quarter 6. Despite everything, your mom says you should approach them with a positive attitude 5. You accidentally stabbed them with a pencil 4. You didn’t know you had one 3. It’s probably their fault that you had a stabbing pain in your side 2. The product of a nasty divorce 1. Full of lies

PHOTO By jessica ma

After realizing these weren’t the good flavor of CDs, Ilan Hannan could be overheard saying, “Eject, eject, eject!” test those theories. But aargh, I don’t know what I’d do after. If only we were taught some kind of methodology to handle these things.” When asked, CSE Professor David Ballantine commented on his former student’s identity crisis. “Oh, that fail state looping FSM? Yeah I remember him from my class,” Ballantine stated. “He never could keep his out port shut. Always ‘why this,’ or ‘how come that,’ or ‘are you just setting me up to be Turing-complete?’” A close colleague of Hannan expressed a similar concern towards her friend. “Ilan would always ex-

plore all the options available to him,” started Judy Cordray, considered by classmates and professors as “the shining example of overclocking.” “He doesn’t short circuit on situations when he can, he always likes to look at the whole tree, even if it’s already been Dijkstra’d to shit.” In the months leading up to graduation, “wrong-sideup USB” Hannan has slowed down his involvement in the programming world and his job hunt. He has reportedly started to wear a lab coat and walk around with a magnifying glass to “make up for lost time.”

“He’s completely nuts,” Judy commented. “There is no logical, gate-to-gate path to what he is doing. He’s just trying stuff out and not caring about how unprepared he is to purchase a one point three mil home in Redwood City at age 27.” Ilan “The One State NFA” Hannan was recently found talking about “thinking outside the box.” Hannan’s peers are yet unsure which box of failed future career choices he was referring to. At printing time, Hannan decisively rose from his floor mattress and exclaimed, “I’ve reached a decision! I think I’ll call my dad.”

Still operating heavy machinery despite the warning on our medication

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

Page 6

theMQ.org

June 7, 2017

The MQ’s Yearbook

Another school year has come and gone. Between the stress of studying for and worrying about how you did on your finals, it’s good to look back at all the times spent with friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers so that you can be constantly stressed about remembering awkward memories at inopportune moments.

3 < . .S

G . A . H

g a e v a H

What was your favorite moment from this year?

“The gun show.”

“I don’t have one favorite moment. The last 60 years have been a pretty wild ride.”

“When I found this really cool stick.”

! u o y iss

ll m ’ e W Barak Tzori

“Every love story is a ghost story.” -Barak Tzori, 2013

Romelle Canonizado

“Even the hardest prep becomes goth in the grave.” -Ezra Koenig, Vampire Weekend

Graduating Seniors X Jacob Aguirre

“Listen up 10s, a five is speaking.” -Jacob Aguirre, misquoting Jenna Marney’s vanity

Katherine Wood

“Goodbye you factory reject dildos.” -Jenna Maroney, “30 Rock”

Matt Olson

“Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.” -Rorschach, “Watchmen”

Lawrence Lee

“I was born an identity thief.” -Lawrence Lee, legally

O X

Lauren Kirkbride

“Goodbye everybody, I’ll remember you all in therapy.” -Plankton, “Spongebob”

Jen Windsor

“Yearbook quotes were already too much pressure in high school.” -Jen, immortalizing choice paralysis

theMQ.org

June 7, 2017

Page 7

r! e m

m u s t a e gr Most Down to Earth

Senior Superlatives

When it gets down to it, all of us are pretty crazy, but these youngsters have found a way to remain relatively sane and grounded. To really master down-toearthness, these students were able to maximize their contact with the physical ground in their daily life by crawling, barely beating another group of students who walked around only on their knees.

Worst YMCA These young people definitely have a need to feel down. When it comes to losing during the geriatric community basketball league, drowning during free swim on men’s night on Tuesdays, or showering completely naked, these are not the Village People for us.

Trendiest Crime Scene This group of students was able to create a cool, hip tragedy! Their sheer dabbing audacity is the pinnacle of trendy. It fact, it was so trendy that it killed a man. Incidentally, they also coined the new term “trend-gedy.”

Friends 4 Ever Least Convincing Mall Santa Some people just have the right stuff. That classic stuff that you remember time and time again. A big, huggable belly. A white, fluffy, beard. A crimson suit. Unfortunately for this person, the only thing they have going for them to make us believe in magic again is having a large, childlike man sit on their lap, officially scoring them the title, “Least Convincing Mall Santa of the Year.”

Most Likely to Stick Together It’s been a long year and it’s obviously the quarter system’s fault. This made these students’ 30-minute group-pile power naps especially crucial, not just for getting any work done, but also for their sanity. They were also simultaneously able to improve their basket weaving skills, increasing overall adhesiveness.

Page 8

theMQ.org

June 7, 2017

First Year Student Sure They’ll Have Enough Time to Pack All Their Stuff in the Next Hour

Area Mom Excited to See Son, Area Student Excited to See PlayStation 4

PHOTO By Connor gorry

Lettie asked everyone at dinner to be unplugged. This was not what she meant. By Rhys Shriver

T Unsure as to why the surfboard didn’t fit, Mannard’s roommate chalked it up to too many packing peanuts. By Hannah Lykins Social Chair

fter a week of “definitely not putting it off,” UCSD first year Brian Mannard has decided to begin the process of moving out, approximately one hour before he is scheduled to catch his flight back home to Maine. “Yeah, my phone’s alarm just went off a few minutes ago saying that I should be in my Uber on the way to the airport right now. But I figure I probably won’t have to wait more than like 10 minutes for one, so I have at least half an hour to finish packing. That’s more time than I spent studying for my finals, and I definitely didn’t fail them, so I will, 100 percent, catch my flight.” Unfazed by the crowds of students and parents frantically moving boxes and bags

between the residence halls and parking lot, Mannard was confident that he would be able to pack in time for his flight, stating that he “actually doesn’t have that much stuff.” “My roommate Jack went home yesterday, and I saw that he had been packing like all week. But really, there’s no way I have as much stuff as he does. I mean, the guy brought his surfboard into a triple, and he seemed okay. I figure if he took about six boxes home, there’s no way I’ll have more than two or three. Plus I have a suitcase. Wait, do you think I could fit everything in here? I only bought a few pairs of shoes and a coffee maker this year, so I shouldn’t have much trouble fitting them in my suitcase.” “I’m not really sure Brian knows what he’s doing,” stated Mannard’s second room-

mate, Kevin Swartz. “I tried telling him to start packing on like Tuesday, and now it’s Saturday! Did you know that he’s been done with finals since Wednesday morning? What an idiot. He’s been pulling this kind of last-minute shit all year; he literally asked to borrow my underwear one time because he hadn’t done laundry for a month. Between him and the guy who brought a goddamn surfboard to a triple, I couldn’t be happier to be going home.” When questioned about his packing process, Mannard seemed certain that he was “super close to being done” and only needed “probably like 10 more minutes to finish up.” “Okay, I technically haven’t started packing yet, but it definitely took less than an hour to unpack all my stuff

PHOTO By Ricky ZhAO

when I moved in, so how long could this take? 45 minutes, maybe? Plus I have a hamper full of clothes that I need my mom to wash, so that takes care of like half the clothes I brought here.” “Now I just need to find some boxes. My second year friend let me in on a secret: apparently I can just grab some from the markets around campus. I know it’s a little last minute, but it’s not like anyone else is gonna do this, right?” Mannard was later interrupted, suitcase still unpacked, by a call from his father who wished Mannard a safe flight and told Mannard, “Hope you made it through security alright.” Soon after, Mannard could be seen climbing into the dumpsters between the Tioga and Tenaya residence halls, shouting obscenities at passers-by.

Assistant Copy Editor

he school year is ending soon, and many parents are getting excited at the thought of their children coming back home. Area mom Caitlyn Lettie is one such happy parent and is reportedly rushing around her home, shouting at her kids who are still at home to “make everything stainless,” while trying to make sure the house is “so sparkly clean that you can see the curvature of the earth in the reflection.” “I’ve been looking forward to seeing my son since he went back to school at the end of spring break,” said Lettie. “I’ve been cleaning nonstop since the end of May, and I just got out all the boxes so we’re all set to bring him and all his stuff home when the time comes.” The students are also looking forward to returning home. After another stressful quarter, many students are ready to go back to their residences and finally relax while ignoring the reality that they only have 104 days to enjoy their summer before school begins again and crushes their spirits once more. “I’m definitely sure he’s gonna be real glad to return home, his face always lights up when he gets to his room,” Lettie said. “It was the same for both breaks. He was really

exhausted when we finally got back after the long trip home, but when he got to his room and laid down on his bed, I saw his tired face break into a wide grin. He must have been real happy to see his family and get a homecooked meal.” Lettie’s son, Terry, was then asked about how he felt about returning home to his family and fresh meals, to which he replied, “Uh, yeah, it definitely was neither of those things.” According to Terry, the “wide grin” at the time actually came from him seeing his old friend, a recently bought PlayStation 4, along with his library of games. “I don’t actually give two shits about a home-cooked meal, I only eat junk food anyway,” explained Terry, while putting a cheap french bread pizza in the microwave. “And I Skype my parents on, like, at least a weekly basis. What’s the difference seeing them in person? You know what I can’t see in person? Kingdom Hearts. “I only got excited because my dorm doesn’t have a TV, so we had to leave the PlayStation at home. Once I get back, I’m not leaving it alone for a minute. I’ve been so ready to play Persona 5 for months, I already love it more than I love my family. Who am I kidding? Persona 5 is basically my family now.”

TOP Ten

Similarities between UCSD on Move-Out Day and the San Diego Zoo 10. You spent a majority of the time being hopelessly lost 9. Someone keeps playing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and it stopped being funny hours ago 8. Parking sucks 7. Six elementary school field trips showed up at noon 6. The enclosures seem like they’re open and allowing the creatures to roam free, but in reality they’re locked up 5. A fine example of competition for resources 4. Newly independent kids are trying to separate themselves from their parents 3. There is an overwhelming smell of sunscreen and sweat 2. The souvenirs are ridiculously overpriced 1. Just a bunch of filthy stinkin’ animals

Smarter than smartwater, vitamin-er than vitaminwater.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

June 7, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 9

FBI Begins New Director Selection Process Inspired by Shark Tank

Study Shows Only Divine Intervention Can Make You Pass This Class

PHOTO By Rene MEjia

“Peace be with you,” said the professor. “And with your CAPE evals,” replied the student. By Jen Windsor

“Imagine this, but Edward Snowden,” said a candidate for FBI Director. “I’d like $200,000.” By Sage Cristal

Assistant Content Editor

n May 9, President Trump made the controversial decision to fire FBI Director James Comey, who had initiated an investigation on the extent of Russian involvement in the 2016 presidential election. Comey, previously a registered Republican but now a self-identified independent, had been FBI director since 2013. In an effort to quickly find a new director, the Trump administration hastily chose to format their selection process as a Shark Tank-style assessment, a decision to which many Americans have reportedly responded with a collective “I’m out.” This choice of assessment may have come about as a result of President Trump’s fondness for the structured reality television program Shark Tank, as well as his passion for monopolistic

capitalism. Shark Tank’s synopsis states that the show “allows budding entrepreneurs to bring their dreams to fruition,” while Trump has described his process for choosing the new FBI Director as “a fun way to drain the swamp of nasty old crocodiles like Comey.” Following the firing of Comey, the Trump administration sent out a statement that asserted that there was high interest for the newly open position. However, within 24 hours, three of the six contenders expressed that they had “absolutely no interest” in the position. Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn, one of the three potential candidates who rejected the opportunity to run, added, “Are you out of your damn mind? I’d rather serve as Senator with Ted Cruz again than work in Donny’s administration. And anyone who has met Ted Cruz knows he has

terrible B.O.” The three remaining candidates vying for the position of FBI director have been asked to create presentations on the various investigations that they would pursue in particular. These presentations will be pitched in front of a panel of “investors” hand-selected by the President. Following the pitch, the panel of investors (featuring Vice President Mike Pence, Secretary Rex Tillerson, and Senator Jeff “Mr. Blunderful” Sessions) will bid against one another to purchase the candidate as their personal investigator/foot stool. Candidates who do not wow the judges will “be fed to the sharks, and will serve as their main source of nutrition for the entirety of Trump’s presidential term.” The remaining contestants include the interim acting director of the FBI Andrew McCabe, who ac-

PHOTO By lawrence lee

cepted $675,000 from the Democratic National Committee while he was one of the lead investigators of the Hillary Clinton email scandal. Another contender is Judge Michael J. Garcia, whose claim to fame was investigating possible corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA), and then resigning immediately after for leading a corrupt investigation. The final contender is the former assistant attorney general for the criminal division of the U.S. Department of Justice, Alice Fisher, who was once caught scandalously drinking milk directly from the jug. Despite lacking experience and morals, the candidates seem to be excited for their upcoming presentations with the Sharks, and President Trump just seems to be ecstatic to have created yet another reality show.

Area Woman “Woulda, Coulda, but Definitely Shouldn’tva” By Lawrence Lee

Web Editor ocal woman Vanessa Mræl intended to perform an action, had the capacity to perform that action, but decided judiciously that performing such an action was a bad idea. Mræl had planned this action at least three weeks in advance, and until the day of, had no qualms about it. “Oh, I totally woulda,” she said, after not doing it. “If there’s one time in my life that I woulda said that I woulda, that woulda been it. I pretty much announced it that I woulda, and I wouldn’tva said that I woulda if I didn’t mean that I woulda.” “She definitely did say on multiple occasions that she ‘totally woulda,’” said Jerry Slinney, one of Mræl’s close friends. “She told me Monday when we had lunch together. She coulda told me at the party on Friday, but she was too busy telling everybody else. And I’m guessing she woulda told me on the Tuesday after that, as she was showing me her new knife, but I completely couldn’tva heard because that woulda been the week I lost my hearing.” As Mræl knew in advance of her plan to proceed with the course of action, she additionally prepared herself physically and mentally for the task ahead. “The reason I knew how

MQ Cool Aunt

esearchers announced on Wednesday that their extensive data on your history in MATH 20C has revealed that only an act of God could turn your grade around. This news was released after your midterm was graded and returned, as well as your action of sharing over Facebook that you are “going” to the Saturday night rager this weekend. This study has been conducted over the course of the quarter, with researchers taking data ranging from your grades, to your study habits, to your late-night Ben & Jerry’sand-crying-over-your-lovelife sessions. The final results reveal that the former two factors were “less than spectacular” and the latter was “spectacularly entertaining.” Upon conducting a statistical analysis of your actions this quarter, the UCSD social sciences department has concluded that the critical juncture that caused your grade in MATH 20C to plummet: you got drunk at Sun God instead of attending the Midterm 1 review session that Saturday. You reportedly could have managed a C+ at best if you had not bingewatched Sherlock Series Four instead of finishing the week six homework, but, from a realistic standpoint, researchers determined that things were unsalvageable at that point. Some potential acts of God that scientists mentioned as

being capable of allowing you to pass MATH 20C include: a fire tearing through campus and burning down all lecture halls, dorms, and coffee carts; the rapture of your professor and all administrators; and you developing responsible study skills. Other possible avenues of divine grade salvation are detailed in the formal research paper, pending publication in Psychology Today. Professor Pullman, the senior researcher on the team, mentioned that she hopes their revolutionary methods will be noticed by their peers. “Rather than use the conventional method of relying on self-reporting to take data,” Dr. Pullman specified, “I had some research assistants from my lab follow the participant around and record their movements, actions, and grades in real time. This ensured that there would be no incorrect data recorded out of shame or embarrassment, as often happens in this kind of study.” Dr. Pullman also mentioned a desire to conduct a followup study on why exactly you allowed them to do that, and what kind of twisted person you must be to not study more under such close supervision. When asked to comment on the state of your GPA following this quarter, your parents sobbed into the telephone and began to argue about who you take after. Researchers hope to use your example to model classic student failure in the future.

TOP Fifteen

Hobbies Too Extreme for Your Mom to Know About

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

Mrael couldn’t help but think what woulda happened if she hadn’t known that she coulda, regardless of whether or not she shouldn’tva. much I coulda is because, well, I got myself ready!” she justified. “I wouldn’tva said that I coulda unless I coulda backed up that I coulda, and if I didn’t think I couldn’tva, I don’t think I woulda even gotten as far as I did.” “Initially, I didn’t think she couldn’tva at all, which is why I wasn’t concerned about her saying that she woulda, even though I recommended that she shouldt’va said she woulda even if she coulda,” commented Eric Michelson, Mræl’s lawyer. “So I was happy to take her on as my client because I didn’t think

she was serious about saying she woulda, but with all the physical training and premeditation, it got to the point where I thought she coulda.” However, Mræl did choose to not proceed with the action, citing it as an error in her own judgment. “Making mistakes is a part of being human. When ya realize that ya shouldnt’va, despite knowing that ya woulda and ya coulda, ya gotta stop right in ya tracks,” Mræl mused. “Saying ya woulda and coulda are easy, because if ya wouldn’tva, ya

just wouldn’tva, and if ya coudln’tva, ya wouldn’tva because ya just couldn’tva. But the very least, before ya pull the trigger, ya gotta think about whether ya shoulda or shouldn’tva. That’s a much harder question to answer, and so many more people shoulda remembered whether they shoulda or shouldn’tva instead of just whether they woulda or coulda or wouldn’tva or couldn’tva. A part of ya has always, always gotta consider whether ya shoulda or shouldn’tva.” “Ya gotta.”

15. Driving five over the speed limit 14. Purposefully stepping on cracks 13. Avoiding having to call your grandparents 12. Competitive sleeping 11. Going outside with wet hair 10. Embezzlement 9. Tightrope walking between an A- and a B+ 8. Healthy communication with your dad 7. Base jumping into a volcano 6. Going in the water less than 30 minutes after eating 5. Making Minecraft tutorial videos 4. Cup stacking 3. Bungee masturbating 2. Having a sleepover with the opposite sex 1. Lying to your mother Edgier than a triangle.

THE MQ

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June 7, 2017

POINT

A Fortune Teller for Career Guidance

o Te g F st ood er

e dl id nt e -M m er ge ow ana

Not everyone can be an ice cream tester.

“ Id Th G ea e uy s ”

Here’s an idea: get a real job!

P S rof k ee es -B sio al nal le r

Good job turning your fetish into a profession.

C. All of the above

If you keep your nose clean and work hard for three years, you may become Upper-LowerMiddle Management!

e m p tl o ee ot lo tr e ig of n b S lik n e yl -A A k er ok ne M Lo ei H

Wow, Meryl Streep aged a lot better than you did.

Are you satisfied with your experience? A. Yes B. No

At least a construction worker knows how to use a hammer.

ng pi r ip ne sh ai A ont c

If you keep at it, maybe you’ll become a Skee-Ball wizard.

l na r io ke ss Ta fe y ro e P urv S

A st sk o ud et W nst pl on io a chy or r ac e k uc b er t e ta ov bu io e t a k n st cr eo th hip re os ut at et s t he

Graduating from college can be a daunting and confusing experience. Where should you go? What should you do? You can finally put your fears to rest, because this fortune teller has all of the answers that you seek! Cut it out, make some folds, and grab a friend! This fortune teller will show you where you should live after graduation, what occupation you should pursue, and what society will think of your decisions!

The Waiting Room Chairs in Dr. Schimmel’s Cosmetic Orthodontics Are Geometrically Unfeasible By Architectural Design Journal

Volume 87, Issue 2

isten, I love me some Bauhaus inspired Blobitecture seating arrangements as much as the next guy, but Dr. Schimmel, Hershel, my burgeoning blossoming dentist, you’ve gone too far this time. Just last week that poor man from Hoboken took the 78 all the way out here for an implant and what do you do? Oh, what did you do to him my sweet overanxious Schimmschamm? It wasn’t enough that you administered the anesthetic as if it were a smoking cocktail, but then to seat him that Klein-bottle-but-if-itwas-a-sippy-cup chair? Hershelleh, we love you and support you every day, but notch it down a peg. Or what about that Slipn-Slide chair, huh Hersh, you wretched, misguided soul? Oh, if Gram-Gram were around to see that one. All the lady wanted was a quote for her daughter’s braces. She slipped out of that chair and

slid straight into the emergency room. Not everything has to be themed or unconformable, darling. So what if you end up like Papa Schimmel? His dental practice was successful, and he brought great dignity to that little Hungarian village. It might be boring. There won’t be “SPACED OUT!” brand dentures or DIY root canals or late night disco apicoectomies, but it’ll be an honest living. Hershey, Schimmel baby, come in from the cold dear, I’ve put the kettle on.

COUNTERPOINT Business at Dr. Schimmel’s Chiropractic Institute for the Spinally Misshapen has Never Been Better! By Better Homes And Gardens

May 2017, The Garden Issue

Graduating Senior Regrets Time Not Spent Complaining About UCSD

And with this, Phloss had completed his goal of flipping off all 24 pieces of the Stuart Collection. By Cole Greenbaun

Content Editor

raduating UCSD senior Cameron Phloss recently publicly admitted that when reflecting on his four years in college, he found that much of his time was wasted lying in bed sleeping, watching TV, and browsing Reddit, rather than complaining about how bad UCSD is as a college. “Look, I’ll say what no one else is saying and no one, including myself, has said in the past four years,” said Phloss. “UCSD is a shitty school. We have no social life, and no school spirit 'cause we don't have a football team. It’s like UCSD is an acronym, not for the official name for our school, but instead for a representation of the dissatisfaction students feel when attending school here. Oh! Like Unfulfilling Campus of Sadistic Dalmatians!” Phloss regrets not put-

ting words to the feelings he had throughout his time at UCSD, instead of spending his time watching League of Legends strategy videos while pretending to study for midterms. “So much time wasted!” Phloss lamented. “College is supposed to be the time of my life, where I can stand up and find my voice! But instead of getting out there and complaining to anyone who would listen about how the quarter system sucks, and how Sun God is never going to be good again, I wasted my time eating at Canyon Vista every night for dinner and then going home to binge-watch Prison Break on Netflix. And Prison Break isn’t even that good!” Phloss does not seem to be alone in his regret that he did not complain enough about UCSD, with many other students feeling the same way. “All my friends would

go out every night on the weekends to a concert, or a cool restaurant in downtown, complaining the night away on how UCSD feels like a corporation churning out degrees,” said senior Michelle Vargas, “and every time, I would turn them down claiming I was too sleepy from sleeping in till noon that day. Now it’s too late and I can only look back at the fun I could’ve had.” When asked for comment, Chancellor Khosla reaffirmed UCSD’s dedication to allowing students to complain as much as they need to, citing the students’ right to free speech. “Since I have become chancellor, it has always been my priority to encourage all students to find ways to complain about UCSD.” said Khosla. “We’ve started many construction projects to increase the amount of students in order to reduce years of guaranteed on-

h, we’ve hit the big time now, Doctah! These buffoons don’t know what hit them. They come in for a set of braces, one sit on that mobius strip of a couch and BLAMO, they’re coming in for a set of back braces. I mean you have truly cracked it. I can see it now — “The Heroes of Modern Day Horizontal Integration. Heinz, Sysco, Schimmel.” Oh Doc, you balding paragon, you business prince. Your big, beautiful scalp had no use for hair. And don’t worry about her too much, we’re not gonna need Sheri and the kids where we’re going. It’s penthouses from here on! Ooh, I could kiss you right on the skin yarmulke. Just a couple things before we go all-in on this smooth operation. Concerning the dentist office, it’s phase A of the whole shebang, but does it need to be themed? What? Oh no definitely, I’d

love to have my teeth cleaned in outer space, who wouldn’t? All I’m saying is it’s definitely turning away some customers. I swear it's not me, but others. What? Of course I’m recommending it to my friends, ask anybody. It’s just that I can see you skimming a little off the chiropractic practice every week to sustain that blacklight effect you have there. We’re so close Schimmel, we almost have it. Let’s just focus on the bare bones of the scam. Don’t say that. I am nothing like your father.

PHOTO By jessica Ma

campus housing and reduce parking on campus, and we even self-sabotaged the D1 proposal! All this in order to create the best complaintproducing campus in the UC system. Personally, I’ve even tried to get the students to complain by living in my huge, huge, huge mansion (which is how I’ve referred to it in all press briefings) and by bragging about my salary every chance I get. We are doing everything we can to make students complain.” Not all students regret their time at UCSD, however, with sophomore Colin Gren offering a different perspective. “I don’t think my time at UCSD was wasted," said Gren. “I made a bunch of amazing friends, joined a superb print media org, and grew as a person, I’d like to think. As for complaining about UCSD, I’m transferring after this quarter so I think that’s the biggest complaint I could make.”

Trip with your legs, not your back.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

June 7, 2017

theMQ.org

Page 11

Local Student Swears Next Quarter Will Be Better for 12th Quarter in a Row

Mexican Workers Imported by Trump to Build the Wall Flee Across the Country

PHOTO By barak tzori

This secret entrance ran into some issues when the workers realized installing only a door knob didn’t make a door. By Sahil Nayyar Staff Writer

PHOTO By Jessica ma

“What could go wrong?” Bradford asked, downloading a fifth To-Do list app. Jen Windsor

MQ Cool Aunt

n Thursday, area cognitive science major Gwen Bradford said that “surely next quarter I’ll get my shit together,” following a quarter of unmet goals and unimpressive grades. “I know exactly how I should be studying,” Bradford said, “but actually sitting down to do it is so much harder than reading all day or playing Overwatch.” This claim was backed up by several of Bradford’s peers who have witnessed years of her incessant failure. Rachel Nguyen, a former roommate of Bradford and a fellow UCSD student, attested to Bradford’s plans being the exact same as they were

for the previous 11 quarters. “I thought she had a great strategy after she tanked CHEM 6A freshman year,” Nguyen confessed. “It seemed like a real wake-up call. She had all these daily planners and weekly planners and monthly planners – well, I guess you’d call those calendars. There were whole weeks marked off just for studying and nothing else. Of course, that fell apart before week one ended when I noticed she had set aside entire days in her planners which she dedicated to Netflix.” Bradford reported some outside factors to this quarter’s slump, citing an illness in the family, a spring break that was too short, and classes that were too difficult. Her

journal showed that winter quarter had been similarly affected by forces beyond her control, including a visit from family, a winter break that was too long, and classes that were so easy as to be boring. Bradford also reportedly has 10 weeks’ worth of To-Do lists on her desk, with about a third of the items crossed off. Her plan for next quarter is to use a calendar to block time off, set achievable weekly goals, and reward herself in small ways for accomplished tasks. Incidentally, that was her plan for this quarter as well. “I really don’t know where all the time went!” exclaimed Bradford. “I only had classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

In theory I had five full days of the week to go running in the morning, study or do homework, then practice cooking new recipes for myself.” While Bradford has not made progress in these areas, she has become an expert on giving relationship advice by browsing Internet forums, can make a box-mix cake with her eyes closed, and has five flourishing Pinterest boards. Sadly, Bradford had not noticed that this past quarter was her last at UCSD, as she is set to graduate in June. Because this event had not been added to her calendar, Bradford had enrolled in classes for next quarter, citing a surprising lack of requirements to fulfill.

Briefalo Briefalo Briefalo Briefalo Area Student Finally "gets" Own Sense of Humor, “Hahaha”

Local student Kevin Chu realized, moments before graduation, that he had achieved his four-year goal of comprehending his own sense of humor. “Ha h h a h a h a h a a h a ,” laughed Chu to himself, chuckling. “I can’t believe it took me this long, but I’ve finally figured it out. I’m decently funny.” Chu texted several friends and family members through various channels to announce his discovery. “Lmao,” read one of Chu’s Venmo payments for $4.77. “Heh you’ll never guess what,” read a text message to his mother. Other students rejected Chu’s claims, reporting that he “tries too hard to make jokes” and “isn’t too great at picking up on social cues.” “Yeah, he usually just mumbles to himself and then laughs for too long,” said Shannon Dearny, his roommate. “Sometimes he pulls out an alright pun, but most of the time it’s just gibberish.” “I wouldn’t say his jokes have matured much,” commented Chu’s academic advisor Angel Cidner, whom Chu is reportedly close with. “His personality and attitude, maybe, but definitely not the jokes.” “What a guy,” Revelle Provost Paul Yu was heard saying as he shook Chu’s hand, minutes after Chu’s realization. “What a guy.”

Senior Continues Tradition of Missing Deadlines Fourth year Gabriel Evans has extended his stay at UCSD by one quarter and enrolled in classes for Fall 2017 as a result of missing his final paper’s deadline for his last major class, LTWR 148. Evans, who has a history of missing deadlines, is heralding this transgression as the spark that will light a fire under his ass and push him to work harder. "I'm getting a head start on planning my next quarter," Evans said. "The first planner is for essays and classes. The other one is for the fall Hulu Plus lineup. There's no way I'm missing 'The Handmaid's Tale' again." “I even granted him an extension,” said Professor Ari Libbey, the most recent instructor to fall victim to the ratings hit that comes with failing a student. “My colleagues had warned me about his chronic incompetence to follow the simplest of rules, and I still couldn’t do enough.” Evans remains hopeful that he’ll “shed the sins of his past” and get back on track. “I missed this graduation, and the one before, but I’m sure I’ll be able to pull it together and get the next graduation on time.”

Local Frat Has Student Writes 220Tear-Filled Final Word Paper in 30 Butt-Chugging ConMinutes test of the Year Okay, good stuff, gonna Local frat Phi Chi Psi’s final butt-chugging contest of the year was filled with heartfelt moments and meaningful speeches that attempted to capture the scary nature of change. “I just don’t know what I’ll do without you guys,” Bill Teunoi solemnly choked out while tearfully shoving a bottle of vodka in his anus. “Like, one day, you are getting to know all these cool dudes, and before you realize it you’re putting your final shot of tequila in your butt.” Frat member Keith Willshire recounted the time he and his brothers slightly inconvenienced the employees of a Denny's. “We asked for a table of 20,” snickered Willshire. “And only tipped 15 percent.” “We were real assholes,” yelled out Jim Arickson who was pouring some chaser into his asshole. “Y’all remember that time we almost went to a club, but instead decided to stay home and shove bear cans in our butt?” “Yeah, those were good times,” commented Jared Williams, while letting out single tear, realizing that these were the times he would look back upon later in his life as “the good old times.”

get this paper done, it will be great. First things first, music. Oh man, I have not listened to Coldplay in a long time. Parachutes, A Rush of Blood to the Head, X & Y, wow. What a trilogy. I mean Viva la Vida wasn't that bad. Mylo Xyloto though, that's when everything started going downhill. And don't even get me started on Ghost Stories and A Head Full of Dreams. Five minutes in. Hands are getting clammy as I type. "Lights will guide you home," as Chris Martin says. That's what gets me through the day. Wasn't Chris Martin married to Gwyneth Paltrow? Didn't they have a kid named Apple or something? God I hate Apple products. Samsung is totally where it's at. How am I doing on time? Ten minutes? Not too shabby. I really should have outlined my paper. This whole stream of consciousness technique probably only worked when on drugs. What's my word count? 192? Okay, 57 left. Let's make 'em count. 51 now. 49. … How do words work? Linguistics is pretty fascinating. Let's see. It's 5:45 right now. Paper is due at 6:00. I've got this. Let's tweak up those topic sentences. Conclusions are for losers. Thank god this is only a draft. Time to reward myself with some cake.

To the surprise of many Americans, President Trump has recently allowed 3,000 Mexican workers into the United States to fulfill his campaign promise to build a border wall separating the US and Mexico. According to the president, this is in accordance with how he builds properties, hiring the cheapest labor available. This past Monday it was reported that 1,235 of these workers have fled to different parts of the country. This revelation was followed by utter chaos across the country. Nonetheless, Trump has said that this would not hinder the progress of the wall which is set to be built within the next year. He went on to claim that the workers who fled will be allowed to live in America — but only as Americans, not Mexicans. Furthermore, he said that he does not believe that it was a bad decision to let the Mexican workers in, though he has failed to provide any other reasons for his beliefs. Earlier in a conference at the White House, the president refused to accept that the workers had actually fled. After the publication of official reports, Trump announced that he "never said that the workers were still at the work camp," and that once again the media was misreporting his claims. To respond to the current crisis, Trump tweeted early morning this past Tuesday, “The Mexican workers thing isn’t a mistake. It’s what Americans wanted & I’m proud of my country. I’m not wrong, not sorry & not responsible.”

In a press briefing, Sean Spicer laid out how these Mexican workers are different than illegal Mexican immigrants and would be allowed to live in the United States. According to Spicer, since it is easy for these Mexican workers to blend into an American crowd, they are almost exactly the same as Americans already, while illegal Mexican immigrants are easily spotted and do not fit into an American crowd and thus cannot be Americans. Spicer also said that these workers are basically already becoming Americans through acculturation and adoption of traditional American ways, such as watching American television, eating burgers, hotdogs, and Tex-Mex, and voting. Thus, they will quickly and easily take the final steps into becoming full-fledged Americans and will be allowed to stay in the country. James Janet (a plantation owner, employer of minimum wage paid Mexican workers, and an avid Trump supporter) reported, “I am proud of what President Trump has been able to achieve in his 100 days and I definitely see fewer Mexicans around. Or more. Whichever he’s saying is good.” This event has confused many Americans. With Trump’s intermingling definition of Mexican and American identities, some have started questioning the of the wall. This has further led to a plethora of inquiries about Trump’s policies and actions. However, according to President Trump, he neither “cares about nor understands these inquiries” and has no intention of changing either.

TOP Ten

Reasons to Go Nocturnal This Summer 10. Dim lighting will hide all of your flaws 9. Your cat won’t have any excuse to ignore you 8. Everyone knows that night school is night cool 7. You are enrolled in Independent Study in Bioluminescence 6. Because your parents aren’t your boss 5. You didn’t mean to, it’s just a vicious cycle 4. Look, how many people have you heard of robbing a grave in broad daylight? 3. Did you know that power is cheaper after 6 p.m.? 2. Being a street artist is too embarrassing in the light of day 1. BATMAN!

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June 7, 2017

How to Build the Perfect Summer Garden

Summer is just around the corner and there’s no better season to try a new hobby than during a season of sweltering heat, irritating tourists, and political turmoil. Pick up a watering can, and follow our tips to create your own picturesque garden!

Landscaping Tips:

Pour concrete

Most people have the notion that landscaping is a backbreaking task with little tangible payoff. This is true, but landscaping is the difference between your garden looking like the Garden of Eden and the plot of “Weeds” behind the local Chick-Fil-A.

Things to Plant:

A garden is nothing without its plants. One could choose tried and true staples like tomatoes and petunias, but why not go off the beaten path a little bit? Some “experts” might say that these candidates for cultivation aren’t “conventional,” but don’t let common sense hold you back from fulfilling your gardening dreams.

Use copious amounts of concrete as a base, and cover it with a thin layer of dirt. Kids need to know that they can’t run and play in your garden, and they’ll learn best by experience.

almonds

Trust us, any moment now those beans are going to sprout from the earth. Just you wait, you’ll show that shady old man that he got the short end of the stick when you traded all your livestock for those magic beans.

Have you ever thought that the world has too much spare potable water? Then almonds will be a perfect fit in your garden! With their notorious hydration needs, they’re the ideal representation of your disregard for natural resource conservation.

Building a garden in your backyard over the septic tank can hardly be done without using the right tools. Of course you could just use your hands, but you can also purchase the tools we recommend at your nearest Home Depot. After all, thats what it’s there for!

Green Spray Paint The only thing worse than getting dirt on your gorgeously manicured hands is getting dirt on your piggly wigglies; purchase some sleek, rubber Garden Slip-Ons to keep your garden from getting between your toes!

A Flamethrower

Everyone who has ever held a spade in their hand knows the damage that weeds can inflict on their garden. The easiest way to get rid of these parasites is to burn them to the ground!

It’s hard to cultivate the vibrant green colors that expert gardeners achieve with their plants, so you don’t need to feel bad for spraying a few of your wilting plants with some green spray paint. Appearance is everything!

A Space Rake The future is here in the present with this blast from the past! This revolutionary multiutility debris congregator has the ability to function even when turned completely upside down.

Pest Control:

For anyone looking to start a summer garden, one of the biggest threats to your success is insects eating through your hard work. It’s a difficult task trying to keep insects off of your leafy greens. But have no fear! Your pest problem will be solved faster than you can say “Get off my tomatoes, you vermin!”

Your love and affection It turns out that there is nothing that insects crave more than human affection. However, too much of a good thing can be detrimental to insects, especially in the form of your love and admiration. If you show the pests enough love, they will slowly distance themselves from you like Joanne did.

You could fill every inch of your garden with real plants, but real plants require food and water. If you’re on a strict budget, consider using tree and bush-shaped rocks. Your friends will be none the wiser, and the whole neighborhood will envy your inexplicably maintenance-free garden.

A bag of beans

Tools of the Trade: Garden Slip-Ons

Build a rock garden

Vaseline One of the best remedies to preserve the vitality of your plants is by lubing them up with Vaseline so that the bugs will slip right off the leaves before they can gorge on the fruits of your labors.

Your plastic Christmas tree

You can have Christmas in July if you plant your trusty plastic tree during the summer. It won’t grow any larger, but it sure won’t get any smaller, either.

Hang a Lantern In the tradition of the Old North Church, hang a single lantern in the garden so that your neighbors know that you aren’t seascaping.

Money As the old saying goes, “money doesn’t grow on trees.” But why shouldn’t you be able to pay off your college loans with some cash that you grew in your own garden?