THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
Things are getting worse faster than I can lower my standards. — Gina McCarthy, Former Administrator of the EPA
The perfect accessory to any crime
November 1, 2017
Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist
Volume XXIV Issue II
In This issue Cancer cure overshadowed by trump tweet
2
“Smelt it, dealt it” policy imprisons DeA officers
4
Pixar Presents “Plague Catchers”
6,7
North Korea developing photo bomb New study recommends daily exorcising
8 11
News in Brief “So, what you want are short but quick concentric circles. Keep the strokes nice and light,” said the artist. By Samantha Cane Staff Writer
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ast week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in El Cajon. While observers note that Gardner’s new job pays poorly and is largely a dead end, Gardener maintains that he is “at least a starving biologist and not a starving artist.” Gardner emerged from college triumphantly, planning
on entering the workforce armed solely with his new STEM degree and no prior work experience or plans to attend graduate school. “Yeah, I’ve got it all worked out,” said Gardner in an interview shortly after graduation. “I got a good GPA these past four years since I didn’t distract myself with things like internships or labs. And I read about graduate school on Buzzfeed, so I can tell it’s not meant for me.” After months of fruitless labor, Gardner discovered that he had been naive to think
that his degree and GPA alone would earn him the attention of employers. “I don’t understand. I mostly just followed what ‘The Sandlot’ told me – if you build it, they will come – so I left my resume on some websites and waited for the offers to flow in,” said Gardner at the end of summer. “I tried all the best sites: Indeed, Reddit, Craigslist … nothing came up. I think my problem is I searched for jobs on Bing. Maybe I should try Ask.com instead.” Opposed to getting into even more debt, Gardner
PHOTO By jessica ma
considered other alternatives to fulfill his parents’ wishes. “For now, I’m working a full-time job at Star Nursery in El Cajon, which is close to my degree I guess,” Gardner explained, leaning against a cart of shrubs and poinsettias with a vacant look in his eyes. “Like, I could be in a lab or some shit solving cancer, that’d be pretty cool, but I’m just … pulling plants on a wagon. But I mean, it pays the bills, you know? Well, like, two of my five utility bills, but
See Biologist, page 2
Ghost of John Muir Spotted on Campus, Seen Hoarding Beef Jerky
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Yesterday, area man Clarence Simpson visited his local farmer’s market where he witnessed what can only be described as “the pinnacle of human ignorance.” Simpson said, “I was having a good thyme with some cabbage until some cabbitch walked up to a stand and said, ‘Could I have some basil? I want to make some pasta,’ while pointing at some arugula,” “Well, at that moment, I found it chard not to slap that person, let’s call her Rose, in the face. She made my heart spinache! Does she live in an establishmint with no knowledge of greens?” Simpson recounted that he thought to himself, “Rose,
marry some person who knows their greens better than you, or your chances of a long, healthy life are tarragone. “The reason I have the adillity to live an intelligent, well-informed, and mild-mannered life is my commitment to these herbs and leafy greens. I have fenneled my entire life into these magical, edible, leaves, and you can’t mustard up enough effort to even know what arugula is?” Simpson left a message for the uneducated woman which is as follows: “Lettuce me know if you ever get a clue, but until you know what arugula is, please romaine at home!”
History Channel Launches New Series, “Fuck It, What If?”
By Jade Hookham Staff Writer
ollowing October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and stealing handfuls of blueberry muffins, to-go meals, and beef jerky. The student told authorities that he believed the specter to be delivering some sort of message from beyond, and the student approached him with the utmost caution. However, he recalled that he was almost immediately berated with insults by the ghost, such as “Not even HDH would hire you, ya hippie scum.” “I was at a complete loss for what to do,” a student told reporters, while working up a nervous sweat. “I thought, ‘Would I even make it out of this alive?’ I never got a chance to go to The Bistro! Hell, I hadn’t even had time to microwave the gyudon I bought for dinner that night!” The student appeared to be physically unnerved, recalling through his heaving breaths, “Just after the ghost of John Muir verbally assaulted me, he somehow got ahold of my gyudon and said something along the lines of, ‘Tha hell is this lump o’ crap? Do they serve this garbage at the dining halls?’ So I told him that it
Area Man: “Kale Me Now” in Response to Woman’s Ignorance on Greens
PHOTO By jessica ma
“Damn whippersnappers, get off my quad!” shouted Muir while shaking his stick of beef jerky at the cowering children. required microwaving in order to be edible.” The student then reported that Muir demanded to see the microwave in action, as he was “pretty damn hungry, dude” and needed to be sated immediately. But in a surprising twist of events, the ghost took a liking to the microwavable gyudon. Completely unaware of the dish’s fat and sodium contents, Muir reportedly consumed around six servings of the gyudon, breaking John’s Market’s microwave in the process. When the student asked Muir if he intended to pay for dam-
ages, he simply said, “Without me, you limp noodles wouldn’t even have this store, and by extension that microwave.” “I didn’t want to engage with that undead diva,” said the student, “so I called the campus police and prayed that Muir wouldn’t loot the baked goods next.” According to the student, the spirit was last seen gallivanting through the Muir parking lot, occasionally stopping to do snow angels in a pile of half-eaten beef jerky. Skeptics have raised questions about this encounter. June Garthrow, a professor at
UCSD asked, “Was that really John Muir’s ghost? If so, what reason would he have for returning?” “Really, it could’ve just been some hobo,” the student said. “Or maybe my Econ professor decided to go out for a wild night. Either way, we may never know what I really saw.” When pressed for more, he admitting, “My real goal was to get on Buzzfeed Unsolved. I may have been grasping at straws here. My bad, everyone.”
The early bird catches the worm
Human slingshot project still in infancy
But the late bird catches the fish
Taking baby steps
The History Channel recently began production of a new original series, where loosely-named professionals speculate on a wide variety of historical theories. “History Channel has the most historical speculations and conspiracy theories of any station,” stated CEO Robert Dafton while swirling a halffull wine glass of sparkling Redbull. “The titles of some of our previous series – such as ‘MonsterQuest’ and ‘Ancient Aliens’ – leave limited space to discuss larger historical topics. We want to educate our modern youth on some of the lesser-known, less-proven theories across the globe.” The series has scheduled episodes to discuss topics,
such as Ronald McDonald possibly being extradimensional, or Hot Topic potentially having existed in fourteenth century Sicily. Screenwriter Daisy Randoll expressed her excitement for the upcoming success of the new series. “I mean, anything anyone says is technically history,” Randoll told reporters at the History Channel’s “I Saw an Alien Once and Therefore It’s Historical” conference. “Modern Americans won’t know the difference between speculation and hard evidence. So fuck it, what if Congress is run by Pokemon? I’m sure there’s a theory about it somewhere.”
Area Woman Sure She Doesn’t Want Crate & Barrel Card, Veteran Store Associate Disagrees Area woman Lily Petersen was shocked and disgusted when she was encouraged to apply for an instore credit card at her local Crate & Barrel. “I’m usually not one for confrontation,” explained Lily, clearly shaken by her experience. “My shopping experience up to this point has been simple: you enter the store, you look, you buy a product, and you exit the store. I don’t know why I need a store specific card to finance my purchase. I just got a few wine glasses! I don’t need to finance them!” Shane, the associate who
attempted to sell the card, was very adamant about the benefits of the card for every customer. “If you’re a loyal customer,” he explained, “the card will help you earn extra reward dollars, and you get access to exclusive rewards and no annual fee! And if you’re a one-time customer, the card may not help you per se, but it would most definitely help us. We have quotas to reach from corporate, you know.” Crate & Barrel’s corporate office did not reply to requests for comments.
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
Page 2
November 1, 2017
Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet
continued from page 1: I’m sure my parents can cover for me.” Gardner’s parents were apparently not aware of Gardner’s predicament and were bewildered when asked for comment. “I work two jobs because we put all of our money into his education, and he’s off peddling tomato seedlings in El Cajon?!” exclaimed Gardner’s mother. “I just don’t understand why he would do this to us. He got a Bachelor’s, in a STEM field no less, shouldn’t he be out there solving cancer or something rather than wasting his fouryear education on shrubbery?” “I mean, it’s not a total waste,” Gardner responded, chuckling nervously. “Sometimes people ask me about plants and stuff, y’know, like college totally paid off, I think, but, you know what
Biologist they say: it’s better than graduating with an art degree.” No further comment was given due to an interruption from a customer inquiry. To give further insight on the issue, a fellow graduate with a degree in graphic design recounted their life right after college. “Yeah, I got a job through an internship at this start-up company I worked for last year, and now I’m one of the senior graphic artists there. It pays the bills, you know? I also have an art exhibit gig coming up in December which is pretty cool. It’s all challenging work, but at least I’m doing something that I enjoy and am good at, rather than being miserable in a field I’m only mediocre in.”
TOP Ten
PHOTO By rachel berge
In addition to complaints about poor turnout, attendees of the party also explained that there was “a pretty poor soda selection.” By Chris Jin
Content Editor
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wo weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of selectively destroying any and all cancerous cells permanently. Although the discovery was announced last week, the news only gained attention in the past few days through obscure web media outlets. Additionally, mainstream media networks spent the past two weeks reporting on a Donald Trump tweet in which he called CNN “a bunch of sad dumb doo-doo heads.” “Is it selfish of me to think that it would have all been a little more glamorous?” mused Leo Aguado, one of the CAPRI researchers. “I mean, we discovered the cure to fucking cancer, I expected millions of flashing cameras as I stepped down the institute front steps, as Jesus took my hand
to bring me up to my 72 virgins in Heaven. But there was literally no one at the press conference. Not even one of those cliche tumbleweeds.” The complete absence of mainstream coverage of the discovery is credited to every significant media outlet using all available hands in responding to a tweet from Donald Trump roughly two hours before the announcement, in which he stated, “CNN is a bunch of sad dumb doo-doo heads. More like Cooties News Network! Biggest cooties you ever seen. Sad! #cootiesnewsnetwork #maga.” The news cycle was subsequently filled with headlines centered around the tweet. MSNBC attacked Trump with an investigative piece titled “Why Trump is a Sadder Dumber Doo-Doo Head Times a Million,” while Fox News pushed back with the segment “Trump is Rubber and the Liberal Agenda is Glue.” CNN in particular ran a three-day breaking news segment titled “Trump and Cooties: We Know What He Is,
but What are We?” “The statistics don’t lie; Trump objectively has more gross cooties, like, to the infinitieth power,” reported CNN correspondent Vergil Paisan. “But how do we know? Well, the source is none other than Trump’s mother. Trump’s mother has so many cooties, you could design a turbine based on a cooties magnet and solve renewable energy forever.” The CAPRI researchers remained puzzled about the media silence for much of the intervening two weeks. Lead researcher Ariana Libera reportedly began to doubt her own grasp on reality. “I mean, this is basically our field’s fabled magic silver bullet. Everything we’ve known until now suggested that there couldn’t be a cure for every type of cancer with no chance of relapse, and yet we get this panacea out of nowhere,” explained Libera. “We had it peer-reviewed and replicated to hell and back. It deployed without a hitch. There is literally
no cancer left in the world. This is the dream that every cancer researcher had as a naive 10-year-old. I started to think that it really was just a dream, so I asked one of the researchers to slap me and end it all already. I determined it wasn’t a dream when the pain didn’t match up to how much pain 10-year-old me felt from a 35-year-old doctor slapping my face.” “You’d think this stuff should plaster news tickers in every airport TV ever, but no, all we get is some halfassed post on a backwater subreddit two weeks after the fact,” said Tara Corpio, the researcher who slapped Libera in the face. “At this rate, we should just paint our abstract orange and have it scream xenophobic rhetoric. Maybe we could get a mention on the 11 p.m. news with that.” At press time, the research team was unavailable for comment, as they were chasing a passing news van yelling that they were available for comment.
Alternatives to Passing Out Halloween Candy to Children 10. Placing an empty bowl outside your house with a sign that says “Take one” 9. Passing out punch cards to Jimmy John’s with two holes punched out 8. Administering flu shots because vaccination is important, kids 7. Giving children fatherly affection 6. Handing out mandatory pop quizzes 5. Passing out rocks 4. Handing out just candy wrappers – kids need to learn disappointment early 3. Giving children the dignity they desperately need 2. Passing out a signed copy of your book 1. Giving children non-Halloween candy, suckers!
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt
Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver
Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins
Social/Publicity Chair.........Matthew McMahon
Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal
Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee
Content Editor....................................Chris Jin
Foreign Correspondent...............Alex Vollhardt
Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride
MQ Stepdad..................................Matt Olson
Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde
MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky
Assistant Design Editor................Jay Noonan
MQ Mom...............................Katherine Wood
Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma
Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Distribution Captain...................Chris Doherty
Staff Members
These are our “funny” faces.
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2017 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I am incredibly excited to be able to work with all of the new and old faces that are now a part of this org. Our new staff writers took on production by storm, and contributed articles, jokes, graphics, and more. Our editors managed a very ambitious centerspread with ease. But perhaps even more impressive, I am writing this note at around 2am while listening to occasional roars of laughter and good-natured shouts from the room next door. This production has been riddled with clever costumes, extended bits, Heelys (?), and new friendships that haven’t failed to put a smile on my face through all hours of the night. I feel so lucky to be able to grow close to such intelligent and funloving people, and I can’t wait for the next opportunity that I have to laugh and create with you all again.
Mishelle Arakelian Rachel Berge Andrew Buss Isaac Canada Samantha Cane Daniel Chit Ethan Coston Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz Amin Fozi Levi Friley Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski
Katie Hallsten Tiffany Hamilton Andres HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Ikran Ibrahim Samprith Kalakata Dan Kaliblotzky Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Chris Lee Stephen Lightfoot Nicholas Martin
Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick Brandon MoguelDiaz Natalie Moy Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Elizabeth Niculescu Tez Padhee Kavita Poduri Tanner Prater Rohan Rangray
Eliezzer RodriguezBreton Aaron Rohozinski Vida Sadeghi Pilan Scruggs Angelica Sun Quoc Tran David Vereau Gorbitz Sarah Wernher Jared Williams Michael Ye Ricky Zhao
Booster Club Thanks Jay, Sophia, David, Dan, and Mishelle for funding our ponzi scheme of dining dollars. Thanks Chris D and Rhys for the cookies. And thanks for the regifted Milanos, Sam. And thanks Daniel Chit for the bags of chips. And finally thanks Chris J for the taco chips. And sorry we turned off the lights in the bathroom.
theMQ.org
November 1, 2017
Page 3
Manic Pixie Dream Girl Chosen to Be New Movie Lead
A Night in
the Forest
It was a dark and ______ night. (adjective conveying fear)
The ______ was full, and you and your (celestial body)
______ friends decided to go on a/an
(meager number)
______ midnight stroll in a/an ______
PHOTO By Daniel clinton
“The visible half of your body is doing great,” said Scottgard to Jennson, while the camera continued to zoom in closer on him. By Rhys Shriver Copy Editor
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ast Sunday, October 29, famous director Garrold Scottgard announced his decision to cast Burgundy Jennson in a completely unwanted live-action version of the popular anime and manga, “Soul Eater.” Scottgard first got the idea for the movie after a particularly poor football game which reportedly left him feeling “incredibly depressed and reclusive” for months on end, until he happened upon Jennson in a chance encounter at the manga section of a local bookstore. “It was surreal,” Scottgard explained. “I was still brooding over a horrible loss [by my favorite football team], and I never thought I would feel again. In my listlessness, I wandered into a bookstore and, by chance, happened to bump into Burgundy,
who was reading a copy of “Soul Eater.” After I bumped into her and we fell, we both reached for the manga, and when our hands brushed, I looked into her beautiful, wide, generic color eyes and found my inspiration. After the next few days of hijinks, I knew that I had to make a movie to commemorate our time together, and cast exclusively her and my other actor friends in said movie.” Auditions for the new “Soul Eater” movie went at a lightning pace, with hundreds of aspiring hopefuls racing to fill up the final positions. Despite the amount of incredible talent that showed up to the tryouts, the lead roles were given to Jennson, Scottgard’s scrappy comedic partner-in-crime, Scottgard’s distant and awkward childhood friend, Jennson’s down-to-earth and bookish best friend, and Jennson’s sister’s friend’s cousin’s
secretary’s granddaughter. Many of the auditioning actors complained about Scottgard’s nepotism and lack of people of color, to which he only replied, “It’s my film, it takes place in Chicago, so why does it matter who I cast? Everyone has been asking for this, and you’re not supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth.” “Uh ... I don’t think literally anyone asked for this,” stated self-proclaimed shonen connoisseur Lia Anderson, when asked about the upcoming movie. “We don’t need more remakes of things just because they’re not in English. Just localize it. And why cast Jennson as the lead? The story takes place in Japan. Does the director know it takes place in Japan?” Later that day, reporters asked about her motivations and goals for the movie, Jennson stated, “I’m really excited to do this movie. I really want-
ed to help Garrold get out of his funk, and this seemed to really make him happy.” When they asked about her acting background and personal history, she proceeded to repeat her previous statement, and allegedly continued to say the exact same two statements and make uncomfortable prolonged eye contact until the reporters left. The movie is expected to hit theaters in late 2018, and is expected to be a hit at the box office like other classic movies of the genre, such as “Death Note” and “Ghost in the Shell,” which were critically acclaimed and famous among fans of the original content. Additionally, Garrold has already voiced his plan to make the series a trilogy, allegedly getting inspiration from Jennson and any other women the director inexplicably falls in love with after two total minutes of interaction.
(adjective)
(unassuming adjective)
forest.
You and your friends hear a/an
______ coming from a nearby ______,
(disturbing sound)
(type of foliage)
and decide to check it out. You could have sworn that the ______ was made (same disturbing sound)
by a ______, but little did you know that (common forest object)
it was coming from a/an _______!
(uncommon forest object)
The ______ ____ at you and (same uncommon forest object)
(verb)
your friends. You ______react by (adverb ending in -ly)
______ ______ towards the ______.
(same uncommon forest object)
(forceful verb (name of friend ending in -ing) you don’t like)
Local Student Throws Trash in Recycling Bin, Fixes Society
You take off ______ further into (verb ending in -ing)
the forest to escape the ______when (uncommon forest object)
you trip on a ______ and injure your (unexpected object on the ground)
______.
(really uncomfortable vestigial body part)
In a flurry, you try to defend your-
self against the ______ with a/an (same uncommon forest object)
______ but alas, it doesn’t work! If only (useless object next to you)
you had listened to your mom’s advice PHOTO By Hannah Rosenblatt
“I don’t want to know what’s going on here. I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t see anything and keep sweeping,” said the janitor. By Aaron Rohozinski Staff Writer
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recent speech on the prospects of recycling given by John “The Revolutionary” McBon has “challenged everything we ever knew about disposing of paper plates,” according to student reports. Before the speech earlier today, McBon was seen casually tossing a greasy plate he had used to eat his lunch, which is believed by scholars to be a pizza – which is up for debate though, as is to be expected of all issues relating to the great thinkers of history – into a bin. The bin, as described by observers, had written on it three arrows forming a triangular shape, which linguist Lynn Thad, a long time fan of McBon, has deduced to represent the process of “recycling.” Fellow classmate of McBon, Gary “The Disciple” Samuel, claimed, “Well, I saw John throw some trash or something into
the recycling bin and I was thinking, ‘Man, you know someone has to clean that up.’ At that time I was truly naive of the brilliance of that mastermind. I then asked the question that would unknowingly bring me enlightenment, ‘What, are you trying to recycle your trash?’ To which he responded, after a couple of ‘ums’ and repeatedly saying ‘Well you see’ and then just standing still silently for a minute, ‘It will find a way.’ With those simple words I understood that this was an individual ahead of his time, a forward thinker.” One of the onlookers of the event was Nobel Prize winner and celebrated professor Mary “The Astounded” Wells, who described what she had witnessed as a “paradigm shift.” She continued, “I must have been gifted by fortune to have experienced such a marvel first hand. It still boggles me that I was actually there for such an achievement of humanity.
All of us teachers have no choice but to give McBon only the highest scores for all of his classes.” Despite all the praise McBon has gotten, his ideas are not without detractors. Future historian Joshua “Future Hindsight Needs Glasses” Robson stated in an interview, “McBon’s ideas are flawed. He clearly had not thought out what he was saying, isn’t that obvious?” Robson took a sip of water before continuing, “And it’s all the fault of us, the foolish masses. We can never hope to live up to the grand ideals of McBon who had the audacity to envision a better world where we have the freedom to put trash in the recycling. He wanted us to ‘find a way,’ and what have we done? We have failed to comprehend that message and for that we’ll pay the price. “The so-called ‘McBonists’ misinterpret the work of McBon to fit their own agendas. History repeats itself as McBonists believe in trashing this recycling, but
truly McBon meant we must take what we wish to throw away, his proverbial trash, and construct the foundation of something entirely new. McBon saw it that we must find a way to recycle his trash, not trash the recycling.” An anonymous McBonist responded, “Robson’s outlook is outdated, only ProtoMcBonism and SubMetaMcBonism hold such an interpretation. Modern schools of thought, NewMcBonsim, AretrosynchronousMcBonism, and SuperSubMetaMcBonism adhere to the Societe du Centenaire des McBonists standardized post-Bonist principle. McBon clearly meant individuals must find purpose, even in tricky situations, because a material world lacking intrinsic meaning must gain it through shaping society into an idealistic form by seeking loftier ends, or risk life devolving into a garbage existence. Also you should just like, you know, throw more pizza in the recycling bin apparently.”
and never ______ the
(moderately aggressive verb)
______ ...
(uncommon forest object)
As the ______ devours you and (uncommon forest object)
the life drains from your ______, you re(orifice)
alize that this was a story about ______
(admirable human quality)
all along.
We never forgot the Alamo
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Page 4
theMQ.org
November 1, 2017
“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers
By Stephen Lightfoot
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Speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, smell no evil. the officer’s immediate compliance prevented Buddy from being able to present the “Get Out of Jail Free” card which he reportedly keeps in his wallet “just in case.” What started as “a joke gone too far” has turned into a nationwide movement to unseat the police from power. Many concerned citizens who believe that the government and police’s power has become too far-reaching are reportedly using the phrase, even if they have no marijuana on them. The end result is officers self-arrested in the hundreds. In fact, the Department of Justice reported a 90 percent decrease in marijuana offenses involving regular citizens, while officer arrests
for marijuana went up by 420 percent. Maria Jayne, Chief of Tennessee State Police, is less than thrilled about the nation’s sudden new trend of lawlessness. “All of these officers being ‘goody two shoes’ and turning themselves in with no real cause is making me sick,” Chief Jane said. “Our quotas for arrests are low, our resources are depleted, and potheads are buying all the Takis! Why can’t our officers just change the facts, and plant some weed on them, like a normal person?!” As a stopgap countermeasure to the phrase, officers are now required to wear clothespins on their noses to prevent
PHOTO By Lawerence lee
any smelling. However, the damage to the nation’s law enforcement is already evident; many officers are now sitting behind bars and many citizens are without police oversight. With the effects of Buddy’s revolution on the general populace yet to be fully seen, the nation seems to be on edge. Vigilante groups of private citizens have started to rise up across the nation to fill the gap where law enforcement once was. The groups reportedly do not have a main leader, but are instead united with a single proverb: “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”
Poll Reveals Gun Rights Rank Above Rights to Life, Liberty, Happiness By Summer Davis Staff Writer
I
n the wake of one of the deadliest mass shootings in modern history, polling of Americans revealed that the majority of those surveyed agree with expanding security measures in public places to ensure their safety. The most popular suggestions were increasing the use of random stop and search procedures and utilizing available technology such as drones or good guys with guns to monitor civilians. In comparison, the most unpopular proposed change to regulating gun violence was regulating purchases of guns. Constitutional Law professor Monica Ocampo administered the survey as part of her research on mass shootings, which she plans to compile into a series of five 600-page books by the end of the decade. In her poll, participants were asked what they would be willing to give up to protect their right to own guns. 42 percent of Americans answered “my children” and 77 percent selected “my life,” while 89 percent said “democracy itself.” “They can’t take my guns away,” commented Eliza Green, one of the citizens interviewed by Ocampo and a recipient of NRA newsletters. “I need them to protect my family. If we’re at a concert or church or school and someone starts shooting, I know I’ll be able to take them on, right there, with the gun I sneak past the drones, metal detectors, and authority figures on Segways.” Local father Joe Lundgren represents the second most common response in Ocampo’s survey – ambivalence
Wandering Spirits That Roam Our Physical World Should Be Acknowledged and Respected By Judy Crane
E
Staff Writer
ew reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, the study also shows that officers who have been jailed have brought themselves in, indicating an unprecedented trend of officers demonstrating accountability for their actions. According to law enforcement watch dogs, this wave of arrests may be due to the emergence of a new policy which states “whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Approximately two months ago, a Facebook post was uploaded by a Texas native named Buddy, who shared his experience at a traffic stop for suspected marijuana possession. Buddy reportedly used the traditional olfactory proverb “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to get the officer on duty to cuff himself, and walk back to the station to turn himself in for selling marijuana. “I didn’t think it would actually work,” Buddy told local news reporters. “I mean, I had like an ounce of weed right there on my lap. But I thought, ‘Well, I’m going to jail. Maybe his badge camera will be leaked onto the internet and I can score some major internet fame. Instead all I got was this cruddy real life fame.” Buddy was sullen for the rest of the interview, particularly lamenting the fact that
POINT
PHOTO By levi Friley
“I hope his first word will be mama, but it’s probably going to be DADADADADADADADADAD,” said the mother of the AK-47. about the proposed security expansion. He stated that it “feels like it’s already started happening.” “There have been metal detectors and random backpack searches at my son’s elementary school for years now,” said Lundgren. “Plus, if we really wanted to stop the government from going too far, we could always use the guns that they’re allowing us to keep.” Members of Congress responded quickly to the results of the survey and introduced a bill designed to lessen the probability of mass shootings occurring. Although Representatives Ted Lieu (D-CA) and Seth Moulton (D-MA) proposed debating legislation that included the word “gun” in it on the House floor, they were quickly taken into Speaker Paul Ryan’s office and have not been heard from since. The resulting legislation,
The Operation to Reduce Weapon Exploitation and Loss of Life Act, ORWELL Act, stations drones at public places like sports arenas, schools, and the front yards of most houses, as well as relaxes restrictions on police forces, allowing them to write their own search warrants. Funding for additional security measures is available for locations deemed to be at “high-risk” of a mass shooting, such as cities, suburbs, and deserted islands. After the bill was passed in an expedited process invented by Speaker Ryan, experts from the FBI, NSA, and NRA were seen exiting the chambers of influential members of Congress. FBI Agent Mark Callahan stated that, “The Second Amendment makes clear our inalienable right to Colts, Glocks, and AK-47s. Therefore, it is of the FBI’s opinion that to secure these rights, we must
release our drones.” Professor Ocampo disagrees with this interpretation of the Second Amendment and expects a constitutional challenge to the new law to reach the Supreme Court. “The ORWELL Act clearly violates the Fourth Amendment, which protects us from unreasonable searches and seizures,” said Ocampo. “This is the one thing the Second Amendment was actually intended to protect us from.” Dana Loesch, spokesperson for the NRA and juice brand SuperBeets, agrees. “The Constitution – especially the Second Amendment – are sacred pieces of American history, which is why the NRA will be instructing Congress to pass legislation to protect it in the form of a repeal of the Fourth Amendment.”
Paranormal Specialist
very year around All Hallow’s Eve, individuals who are inexperienced in contacting and communicating with stray souls tend to make some ill-conceived attempts to connect with the deceased, fueled mainly by naivete and a search for impressive party tricks. Many of these mortals also try to cross through dimensions for depraved motives. It is because of this that I am writing to inform all the uninformed that contacting spirits is not a parlor game meant to astonish your neanderthal friends. Communicating with the dead is a very delicate situation that should be regarded with only the utmost respect and acquiescence. Recently, I have noticed feeble-minded youths attempting to get in touch with the many spirits that wander through the realm typically referred to as “limbo.” Not only are “seances” and other similarly offensive rituals dangerous to practice, but they easily alienate any curious souls who are stuck between the physical realm and the afterlife. After witnessing many of
these misinformed delinquents trying to use sacred symbols such as ouija boards and crystal balls in their contact with spirits, I urge all mediums, clairvoyants, and other gifted individuals such as myself to refuse service to those ignorant cretins that ask for help in communicating with those searching for eternal rest. I understand how tempting it is to profit off of the ignorant during the month of October, but I would ask all of my dignified peers to choose morals over money. It is only by doing this, that we can help enlighten those who are living to the suffering of the deceased.
COUNTERPOINT
I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost By Carl Crawley Ghost Skeptic
H
alloween always reminds me of that show “Ghost Hunters” where a bunch of sissies wander around in a dark, abandoned house and tell a camerman all kinds of spooky stories while trying to avoid getting their limbs ripped off. Have you ever seen “Ghost Hunters”? I haven’t, but I’ve heard it goes something like that. Anyways, ghosts aren’t real. And even if they were, I could easily fight off at least 12 of them, easily. If I had my nunchucks on me, I could bump that number up to 40, no problem. Ghosts ain’t shit. I’ve heard that in 80 percent of ghost sightings, the ghosts were reported to have no physical form. No physical form means no muscles. And if you are going to fight me in hand-to-hand combat, you are going to have to have muscles. Just ask the last punk I fought at the Wienerschnitzel down the street. I’m not talking about goblins or ghouls here. Just ghosts. (Not that I couldn’t beat the everlasting shit out of a horde of goblins and ghouls, like at
least 23 of each. Because I totally could.) But some of my friends on Reddit asked me to share my knowledge and experience in dealing with ghosts, specifically. I’ve known ghosts to be pretty sneaky bastards. They also have zero regard for personal property. They’ll sleep in your bed, soil your clothes, and eat all the Nutella you have stockpiled in your bunker. But if you challenge them at all, they couldn’t do more than chip one of your fingernails. Have you ever seen a ghost? I haven’t “seen one” per se, but those sons of bitches probably heard that I’d destroy any soul, living or dead, for trying to eat my Nutella, and are just all avoiding me. Just try to get at my Nutella, you wussy phantoms.
We put the “Y” in “MQ”
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November 1, 2017
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New Tweet Character Limit Finally Allows Donald Trump to Be Eloquent World Leader By Mishelle Arakelian Staff Writer
L
ate this September, in an effort to help users be more expressive, Twitter announced that they were going to be beta testing doubling their tweet character limit from 140 to 280 characters. This announcement greatly excited President Donald Trump, who revealed he had been chosen as one of the beta testers and has astounded Americans with his newfound eloquence and verbosity. In a blog post officially introducing the change, Twitter explained that this new character limit will “encourage people to tweet more since they won’t have to cram their ideas, edit their thoughts, or have any filters to fit an arbitrary character limit.” While some praised Twitter’s move to expand users’ ability to express themselves, critics have pointed out that this move also expands the platform of “a certain notorious and active dead-of-night, probably-onthe-toilet presidential tweeter.” Twitter has insisted that their beta testing group was chosen at random and “definitely not because of pleas, bribes, or mendacious political forethought.” The world leader quickly took to Twitter to exercise this expansion of free speech. White House officials have been eager to applaud Twitter’s actions, speculating that this increased functionality will produce a more anodyne POTUS who will “probably waste even more time on his phone” and “leave us alone.” Supporters of Trump
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“I cannot tell a lie,” said Trump. “It was definitely me, not George Washington, who crossed the Delaware in 1776.” have especially been praising Twitter’s actions, saying that Trump can “finally take his place among the country’s greatest presidents and statesmen by demonstrating his eloquent and unique speechwriting.” In his first tweet with the expanded character limit, Trump stated, “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a Great Depression, exacerbated by the horrible Hoover Administration, and everyone thinks I’m the worst US president? Did you not see me dedicate a golf trophy to the hurricane victims? I’m a saint #MAGA” Trump has also taken advantage of the new update to improve his foreign policy, as Twitter was already the outlet for most of his international correspondence. In a tweet in-
tended to assuage public fears of nuclear devastation, Trump proclaimed, “Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself – and that crazy old Rocket Man up in Asia. I mean, can I just nuke him already? I have the power to do that, right?” The recent imbroglio over the decision by the United States to pull out of the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization and become a non-member observer has also given Trump an opportunity to demonstrate his rationale to the world. Trump tweeted an explanation for the decision by calling on the international community: “My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. Education,
science, and culture are simply values that the American public does not need to hold closely. Also, Reagan did the same thing, so why not?” However, it would soon be discovered that Twitter’s groundbreaking improvement had not gone far enough, and that barriers remained between Trump and his desired level of loquaciousness. After being forced to use two separate tweets to deliver an address proclaiming that “we will overcome” NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem, Trump proceeded to call that same day “a day which will live in infamy” and bashed Twitter for limiting his freedom of expression. As a result, rumors emerged the following day that Twitter was considering a beta test of doubling the character limit to 560 characters.
Third Year Student Excited to Live off Campus, Drives 30 Minutes to Pines Each Night
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Tallack quickly realized that eating alone in your third year of college feels exactly the same as eating alone in your first year. By Hannah Lykins Managing Editor
A
fter two years of promising his on-campus friends that he would “never touch that overpriced dining hall food again after moving off campus,” third year Doug Tallack was seen eating dinner at Pines for the third night in a week. “Look, I know what I said, and I still maintain that oncampus food is too expensive,” explained Tallack. “But now that I have to actually make my own food, I just feel like I’m missing out on only having to use the microwave to cook my meals – the real college experience. Plus, have you heard of the community dining plan? I can’t pass up an opportunity like that. “I actively used to complain about Pines, if you could imagine. I mean
c’mon, $7 for a tiny bowl of stir fry – that's ridiculous! But the thought of having to make my own food … like what even goes in a stir fry? Fries, probably, but who knows? It’s just not worth it.” When confronted by a friend who stated that he knew Tallack was driving to campus every night to eat in the dining halls, Tallack responded that he “basically lived in the area,” and “would’ve probably come to campus to study anyways.” “I’ve done a lot of thinking about this one, actually. I figure, it only takes me about 20 minutes to get to campus, 30 if you count parking,” continued Tallack, counting on his fingers. “That’s so much less time than going to the grocery store and cooking my own meals. And I get 20 percent off – I’m practically stealing from HDH! I mean, think
about how much you spent on dining dollars, Jack; there’s no way I’m spending $3000 at Pines this year. “Not to mention the price of ingredients. Why would I pay $1.29 for uncooked eggs when I could buy scrambled eggs every day for $1.25? It’s basically the same price – and when you factor in the time and labor cost of cooking the eggs, I think I’m probably making the better choice. Plus, do you know how many ways there are to cook eggs? It’s overwhelming.” Tallack was also questioned by another friend about his purchase of food during the day, citing his half-eaten sandwich from the Pines deli as an example. Tallack was then heard explaining that the sandwich was “essentially two meals if you saved some for later,” and made it “practically free if you factor in that sweet
20 percent discount.” “You know, I went into the year with the plan of only buying food on campus like once, maybe twice a week. But could you imagine how much food I’d have to make and bring to school everyday?” Tallack said, gesturing as if to suggest a lot of food. “And then what am I supposed to do with some cold food I made the night before? You can’t microwave tupperware – everyone knows that. We can’t all live in Tamarack, Mark.” Tallack was later seen walking into John’s Market, explaining to his friends that “20 percent is actually a really good deal in the long run,” while also asking if they’d “spot him this one time” or “sell him some dining dollars 2:1.”
Half off a short (one half pair of shorts.) Valid at Harry’s Thrift Shop Emporium
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November 1, 2017
Brought to You by:
plague Catchers
Pixar’s next blockbuster, “Plague Catchers,” has only been spoken about in whispers for the past few months. This coming-of-age story follows Bradflea, a timid young flea who is the only one in his family that has not yet caught the Bubonic Plague. Bradflea makes the decision to leave his family in search of contracting the infection; on his journey, Bradflea encounters many obstacles, makes plenty of quirky new friends, and learns valuable life lessons that your children could probably relate to. Sit back, relax, and feast your eyes on an exclusive preview of “Plague Catchers.” coming soon to a theater near you.
Meet the Cast
Bradflea
PeeWee
Spat
The protagonist flea who has not yet contracted the plague, but dreams of being able to kill people with the Black Death. Everyone in his family has killed people, so Bradflea feels isolated because he doesn’t have the disease. Eventually, Bradflea leaves his family’s rat in search of the plague.
A rat who Bradflea befriends after leaving his family’s rat. Spat is a big ol’ dorky goofball who dreams of traveling the world and seeing new places. Because of this, he wants to catch the ship to London before it leaves. Since Spat is new to Italy, he becomes friends with Bradflea, since Bradflea can show him where to travel.
Gooby
Matey
Plague Doctor
A friend of Bradflea who he meets in the flea market. Gooby is the main source of comedic relief and has no discernable goals or interests. Gooby wears pants, despite none of the other characters wearing any clothing on the bottom halves of their bodies.
A friend of Bradflea who he meets in the flea market. Matey is a pirate flea who jumps from ship to ship while trying to infect as many people as he can, who has three peglegs, a pirate hat, and an eyepatch. Matey tends to be somewhat of a hothead, but is a softie deep down.
The Plague Doctor has the scary bird-like plague mask, a black cape, and a stethoscope around his neck, and is seen trying to capture fleas in a glass container. He always has a dark air around him, and is depicted as the villain.
The friend of Bradflea who he meets in the flea market. PeeWee is smaller than the other fleas, but he’s book smart and keeps the gang focused on helping Bradflea get infected.
Fleah The love interest of Bradflea who’s saved from the glass container of the Plague Doctor. She has big sparkling eyes, long eyelashes, and a big pink bow on her head. She carries the plague and passes it to Bradflea when she kisses him. Fleah also has no lines.
script Excerpt FADE IN. EXT. FLEA MARKET, ON SPAT’S BACK – DAY
SPAT strolls through an aisle of the flea market with BRADFLEA on his back. MATEY is standing in the middle of the same aisle looking into the distance aimlessly. SPAT, not noticing MATEY, knocks him over and into a nearby puddle of beer. SPAT, noticing MATEY, steps back and lowers his head to be at eye level. MATEY: Yarggggg. (Attempts to stand up several times, finally succeeds on the sixth attempt). Watch yer step, I’m waitin’ here! BRADFLEA: Oh, hey! I can help you with that. (Gestures towards the puddle.) I got these nice rags off of a witch doctor’s lice a few stands back.
BRADFLEA crawls into SPAT’s ear canal to search for the rags. SPAT looks down at MATEY as if to size him up. MATEY returns to staring aimlessly into space, ignoring SPAT.
SPAT: We’re waiting.
BRADFLEA: (Looks at SPAT, then at MATEY, and slumps down a little bit.) Do you think whoever we’re waiting for will be able to give me the plague?
BRADFLEA: Oh, ok.
MATEY: (Burps twice)
Around 30 minutes pass.
SPAT: (Pauses and cocks his head to the right.) It’s a nice thought.
BRADFLEA: Huh?
SPAT: Sooo, whatcha doin’ there. MATEY: (Continues staring into space.) Eh?
BRADFLEA: So what are we waiting for? BRADFLEA: Yeah.
SPAT attempts to crane his neck and head to look in the same direction that MATEY did, but falls over, ear first. The fall causes BRADFLEA to fall out of his ear before landing beside MATEY in the puddle of beer. BRADFLEA looks slightly dazed, but attempts to mimic their gaze upon seeing MATEY and SPAT’s aimless stare. Several minutes pass. BRADFLEA: What are we looking at? MATEY: Arg.
MATEY: Grmmmmm
Several days pass. BRADFLEA: What? SPAT: (Glances briefly at MATEY before returning to gazing.) Oh, we’ll know what it is when we see it.
BRADFLEA: (Opens his mouth as if to speak, but stops). MATEY: (Burps once)
BRADFLEA: Ah.
SPAT: (Left eye twitches)
Several hours pass.
FADE OUT.
theMQ.org
November 1, 2017
Page 7
Ha Group Effort to Find Jake, the Lost Flea. Jake, Please Come Home
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Reviews “When I found about Pixar’s new movie, I bought all of the merchandise and rushed to theatres. With my Spat Action Figure in hand, I sat in an audience of people just as excited as I was to see the Black Plague animated and shown on screen. Everyone around me was infatuated by Fleah’s beauty, immersed in Bradflea’s coming of age adventure, and swept off their feet by Matey’s poetic monologues. I was sure it’d become my all-time favorite movie. I was prepared to step out and buy the soundtrack and another Spat Action Figure (since my first one wasn’t moving anymore), but then the ending came. It’s not realistic to dwell on the fantasy that everyone can get the plague. The last 10 minutes of this movie will put children all over the world in a delusion that they will get the plague when they grow up. Such unrealistic standards force me to question Pixar’s vision for this movie. 90/100 minutes of movie magic.” -Julia Morano, Pixar Movie Buff
“Pixar executives have hit a new low with the release of “Plague Catchers.” Any sort of semblance of a plot that could be ascertained from watching this asinine movie is immediately lost when you realize they are normalizing fleas with disease. Fleas are not creatures we should be encouraging children to approach. My son contracted lyme disease last fall and our family still has not recovered from his death. Pixar executives are acting irresponsibly and this miscarriage of entertainment should not be allowed to stand.” -Jake Patcher, Furious Parent
“Exhilarating. Exquisite. Exceptional. Experimental. Exhausting. Excommunicating. Existential – Wait, is this the weird one about the flea? Oh. That’s Pixar? Are you sure? Hmm … Excusable. Pixar’s exceptional film-making collides with the exacerbating and exaggerated effect of the plague, exhibiting some rather examinational characters. I expostulate to say that the extendability of the movie’s expansion was rather extravagant, and extinguished the exquisite experience of the characters. Overall, exthree out of exfive exstars.” -Exavier Excaliter, Expediter
“My daughter has always been a fan of movies about insects, and when I heard about “Plague Catchers” and how it takes place during the Black Plague, I thought it would turn my daughter off from insects. Surprisingly, I got a heartwarming story instead. This is a tale of struggle, friendship, and a strong desire to achieve your dreams. I could not stop sniffling throughout the entire third act. Now my daughter is obsessed with another insect movie, and her new “ship” is Bradflea and Fleah. I don’t blame her, they are good representation of a healthy, teenage relationship. Overall, I’ll give it a 4.25 out of 5 dead people.” -Helen Coolidge, Lincoln Elementary School PTA Treasurer
storyboard Pictured below is a storyboard released by the directors of “Plague Catchers,” which depicts the final scene of the movie where Bradflea finally contracts the Black Plague by kissing Fleah, and the two fleas build a life together.
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November 1, 2017
Postdoctoral Researcher Wins ‘Cutest Lab Coat’ Award
Incoming Freshman Tells Herself She Won’t Procrastinate in College
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
“It’s about time I finally stopped putting off beating this level. I’m really glad I got my priorities straight,” said Watson. By Pilan Scruggs Staff Writer
PHOTO Byjessica ma
In order to account for the rigorous metrics of measuring lab coat cuteness, many researchers perfected the “bend and lean,” closely modified from the traditional “bend and snap” technique. By Tiffany Hamilton Staff Writer
J
ennifer Smalls, PhD, was awarded the 2017 Cutest Lab Coat trophy early last week at the annual MENS, Meeting of Engineers and Scientists, after a fierce competition. “We selected Mrs. Smalls as this year’s recipient because she truly exemplifies the purpose of the lab coat: style and grace in even the least becoming of settings,” stated Phillip Demarco, Director of MENS. “She is the shortest winner – only 4’11” – and shows us all that even the lowest person can be cute and also a scientist.” Mrs. Smalls was nominated for the prestigious award by her laboratory’s principal investigator, Dr. Richard Brown. He proudly told us, “As soon as she walked through the door for the interview for a lab position, I knew I had to have
her. Seeing her in her little lab coat always makes my day, and I wanted to share that joy with the world.” The selection process for the Cutest Lab Coat award is reported to be extremely rigorous. Any scientist or engineer can nominate a colleague by submitting a picture to MENS, who then carefully reviews each submission according to a strict, thorough standard. A panel of top researchers from across the nation grade hem and sleeve length, number of buttons, collar height, and other metrics on an analytic rubric to determine whose coat best displays MENS’s criteria of ideal proportions. Finalists are called in for an interview on their research, laboratory style, and fashion inspiration. Mrs. Smalls described the interview process with a noticeable furrow in her brow. “The whole thing was quite strange. MENS
requested that I wear my lab coat I use when dealing with toxins outside of the lab which is a clear violation of basic PPE procedures. Mr. Demarco showed me the picture that Dr. Brown submitted, and I wasn’t sure when he took it. I was expecting inquiries into my data, but instead they asked me what brand my coat was and why didn’t I just undo the top button for them real quick.” Paul Cho, an undergraduate researcher in Dr. Brown’s laboratory, enthusiastically agreed with MENS’s decision. “I always ask Smalls if she got her lab coat from Babies ‘R’ Us, cause she’s so tiny. She says I’m being ‘unprofessional,’ but I guess it’s hard to take a joke when you’re so short.” When asked about Mrs. Smalls’ research, Paul had much less to say: “I’m not really sure what she works on. Every time she talks to me, she does
this weird thing where she flips her hair and occasionally moves her hands in this adorable way, and it gets so distracting.” Since receiving the award, Smalls has been inundated with attention from the scientific community. “I’m very grateful for the attention this award has brought to my research. I’ve been receiving frequent calls from senior researchers across the country asking me about my work. Oddly enough, they always request a video chat.” After a request to show off the now-famous lab coat, Mrs. Smalls was anxious to share her findings. “I have developed a progestin alternative to levonorgestrel that would be suitable for use as an emergency contraceptive for women of all weights. I tried explaining that to MENS, but they said that birth control doesn’t seem like a relevant problem to them.”
North Korea in Final Stages of Developing a Photo Bomb By Brandon Moguel and Paola Diaz Staff Writers
Y
esterday the White House released a press brief stating that “diplomatic friction continues with North Korea, as their government develops an assault on the American lifestyle.” In the recent months, news of the rogue nation’s advancements in their nuclear weapons program has caused severe concern for the United States and its allies. Military exercises have doubled on both sides of the 38th Parallel, leading to tensions in the region reminiscent to the end of the Korean War. Despite an all-out war on the horizon, polls of the American population have shown a lack of concern for the growing North Korean threat; the general public seems doubtful that events taking place halfway around the globe will ever have an effect on their personal lives. However, more recent developments could change these sentiments, as it seems Kim Jong Un’s regime intends to hit the average American where it hurts: their Instagram accounts. In a special announcement on the Korean Public Broadcasting Station, KPBS, citizens were informed of a new weapons advancement, claiming “the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has successfully tested a photo bomb in the Sea of Japan at approximately 0642 hours.” This was later confirmed by the US State Department, identifying the victim as Japanese fisher-
W
hen asked how she felt about starting college, first-year student Jennifer Watson said that she, like many other college freshmen, was just eager to start with a clean slate and reinvent herself, specifically with regards to her time management. “I know this sounds extremely cliche, but I’m happy that college will let me correct all of my flaws from high school,” said Watson. “I’ll admit it, I was the worst procrastinator ever in high school. The absolute worst. But those days are over. I’ve already bought all of my books and supplies, in addition to mapping out the whole quarter, week by week. Classes, tests, homework, sleep, even using the bathroom.” Mindy Jiang, one of Watson’s roommates, admitted that while she fully supports Jennifer’s efforts, she cannot help but feel as though they are futile. “When we were talking about our backgrounds, she brought up that in high school she frequently forgot deadlines. Apparently she started her UC application on the 30th, somehow oblivious to everyone else panicking to submit them. How does that even happen?” Jiang sighed, shaking her head. “In all honesty, I have a bet with our other roommate Natasha that Jenn’s micromanaging goes out the window before Week 0 ends.” “I know I’ve had some problems in the past,” Watson admitted. She added that she had sent countless emails to teachers at midnight because she couldn’t submit her essays on Turnitin and could count the number of times she’d done homework before the day it was due on one hand. “It’s really tough, you know?” Watson bemoaned. “After slogging through hours of classes I just want to come
home and check my Instagram feed, binge-watch Netflix, try out a new hairstyle, and play with my puppy. He’s a German shepherd, so he won’t be small for much longer and I want to cherish our time together. “Besides,” she added seriously. “I think my HA might be into me.” Watson reported that in high school she followed a “due today, do today” philosophy. “I tried to prioritize, but pretty much all of the time homework got shoved to the back burner. But I’ve decided that it’s time for that to end,” she firmly stated. “It’s college! You know, where you’re supposed to be able to start with a blank slate and completely change your personality. That’s exactly what I plan to do. Well, maybe I won’t give up my stuffed animal collection, but other than that, completely wiped clean!” When asked about how confident she felt about her ability to follow through with her quarter plans, Watson said she was “100 percent committed.” She explained how she had already spent a good portion of her summer devising methods to help her fight her high school habits. “I’ve got Mindy and Natasha helping me, and they said they’ll help me out as I completely invert my former lifestyle. They say old habits die hard, but I’m going to create a new catchphrase. Something along the lines of, ‘regardless of your work ethic in high school, there’s a large chance you can change that for college.’ It needs refining, but that can wait.” “See, this is what I’m talking about,” Jiang lamented. “She doesn’t even realize when she’s slipping back into her old habits. Besides, I’m not her mother. I don’t think she heard the exasperation in my voice when I agreed to help her. If she’s not up to it, that’s her problem. And then Natasha will owe me $20.”
PHOTO By Daniel Clinton
The fisherman later took a photo stretching out his arms, as if to say “I caught a Kim Jong Un this big!” man Mushi Moto, whose morning selfie depicted him holding a mackerel with the caption “first catch of the day” which appeared to show the Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, glaring menacingly from an inner tube in the background. US intelligence officials claim they had been aware of the DPRK’s photo bomb program for sometime, but were surprised themselves by the rapid advancements in their technological capabilities, noting that just two years ago tests were only conducted by pelting unfortunate South Koreans with Polaroids. North Korean state media continued with a threat calling this only the beginning,
and warned, “soon no imperialist photo, be it a family portrait or a gym selfie, a cute baby photo or pretentious food pic, will be safe from our dear and glorious leader’s terrifying presence and gaze. Our enemies will not think about sending that nude without first checking over their shoulder. This is brought to them in part by contributions from viewers like you … thank you.” However, the threat to include Kim Jong Un in every photo has shown to be counterproductive. After the announcement, people all over America began staging photo shoots, hoping that the Korean leader would appear in the background. The hashtag #KimJongUnavailable began trending
on Twitter and Instagram, captioning countless photos of empty chairs at weddings, bar mitzvahs, and other events. It appears as though the American public is embracing the meme from their neighbors of the North and to the left. While this threat to the American people has proved to be ineffective, the DPRK’s response is yet to be known. Speculation has been made that this disregard of the country’s threat could result in a doubling down of their efforts to develop a reliable nuclear ICBM. However, with reports of Kim Jong Un’s affinity for Snapchat filters, the program may be here to stay.
It’s a tough job being fabulous, but someone’s got to do it
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
November 1, 2017
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Page 9
Freshman Excited to Start Anthropology Major after Third Time Seeing Jurassic Park
MLB Unveils New Sport: Baseball 2
PHOTO By Lawrence Lee
The MLB reported that steroid use became a serious problem after the effects of steroids were also doubled. By Stephen Lightfoot Staff Writer
I
PHOTO By Levi friley
Stewart expressed to reporters that she couldn’t wait to write her final dissertation on the relationship between dinosaurs and humans in the Stone Age. By David Vereau Gorbitz Staff Writer
H
aving just started her first year at UCSD, Ariel Stewart has been described by her roommates as being “unreasonably excited” to be studying her true passion: anthropology. Stewart told reporters that she wouldn’t have been able to find her life’s calling if it wasn’t for the ‘Jurassic Park’ trilogy. “It was in early August of last year,” Stewart recounted, “I had to start thinking about applying to college more seriously and I couldn’t figure out what I really wanted to do. All I had really considered at that point was becoming a mixologist for bar mitzvahs, and everyone knows that you have to go to an Ivy League school to excel in that profession. “I was going through
a slump until my bestie asked me what my favorite movie was,” Stewart continued. “When I told her it was “Jurassic World,” she got unreasonably excited, telling me how she loved Dr. Alan Grant and that the movie itself was her personal hero. After a lot of clarification and much more yelling, she not-so-calmly told me that there was an original, older “Jurassic Park,” and that I had to watch it. After one week and having watched the “Jurassic Park” trilogy at least six times, I can honestly state that I have found my true passion and it is definitely anthropology. Also, Jeff Goldblum is a total babe.” Reporters also had a chance to talk with Ariel’s roommates, Carla and Marie. “I honestly have had it up to here with Ariel and her goddamned lizards,” said Marie, pointing
toward the ceiling that was covered with glittery dinosaur stickers. “They are freaking me out,” she said, while gesturing at a mountain of stuffed dinosaurs. Marie also told reporters, “The other night I woke up to get some water and some neon green, weird looking, googly-eyed gizmodosaurus was staring straight at my bed.” According to our research, Marie’s weekly horoscope suggests that she will not be happy about the giant Jeff Goldblum cardboard cut out that Ariel ordered for their room. “We just didn’t know it was even feasible to be this obsessed about any particular subject,” explained Carla. “I like my classes for my major and all, but you don’t see me filling the room with ‘How to Get Away With Murder’ paraphernalia. Sometimes I
hear Ariel practice her roars before going to bed; it’s almost like she plans to become a dinosaur.” After receiving no word from Stewart for two weeks, Marie finally told reporters on Monday, “I honestly don’t know what’s going on, I’ve gone to academic counselling multiple times and have even gotten in contact with some classmates and teachers; they all told me how they loved their debate class, or how eye opening their multiculturalism class was. I’ve been told many times that I should really start enrolling in classes such as ‘The Human Skeleton’ or ‘Sociocultural Complexity,’ but I just want to learn more about dinosaurs and bones! Next thing you know, I’ll have to enroll in classes about the Raiders, the Lost Ark, or The Raiders on the Lost Ark.”
Suburban Dictionary: A Comprehensive Guide to Your Children’s Slang Kids these days say the darndest things, don’t they? It can be hard to keep up with the latest lingo of all your little darlings. Not to fear, however, with this handy guide, you can stay on top of what all those hip youths are saying, and your kids will surely appreciate what a cool, modern parent you are! Totally rad (adj.): A profound, metaphorical idiom about how technology can fail, in reference to the Chernobyl disaster of 1986. Example sentence: “Your phone blasted radiation into your head and now you have brain cancer? That’s totally rad, dude.”
“Hey mom, I made five dollars today” (phr.): “Hey mom, I’m a drug dealer.”
Example sentence: “Hey mom, I made five dollars today. I’m trying to become financially independent from you through illegitimate means because I don’t appreciate you.”
Woke (adj.): Woke up at 3 p.m. since they ignored your warning to not stay up past their bedtime.
Example sentence: “It’s not easy being woke, fam. A poor sleep schedule can be devastating to one’s productivity.”
“ ... Got me twisted” (phr.): “I have arthritis in my knee.” Example sentence: “Your story’s got me all twisted, bro. Can you hand me those painkillers?”
“School is going fine” (phr.): “I’ve dropped out of school and I’m now trying to sell paintings to homeless people.” Example sentence: “School is going fine. Send more money, I need it for cheap acrylic paint. Er, I mean biochemistry which is what I’m studying at school.”
n a surprise press release yesterday, the MLB announced that they had invented a groundbreaking new sport. Rob Manfred, Commissioner of the MLB, took to Twitter to share his thoughts on what he later called “the crown jewel” of his career, tweeting, “At the MLB, we’re constantly looking for the next big thing. That’s why today we’re proud to reveal our greatest sport yet: Baseball 2.” Original baseball (now called Baseball 1) fans will be glad to know that most of the features and rules have stayed the same. However, there have been a few significant changes in order to set the new sport apart from other sports, including its predecessor. According to Manfred, “The size of key objects such as the ball, bat, and even the bases, have been doubled. While this may seem like a massive advantage for players at first, Baseball 2 has leveled the playing field.” The size of the field itself has reportedly been doubled as well, leading to a whopping 180 feet (58.9 meters) between bases. The distance between home plate and the outfield is now 640 feet (190 meters) which is astronomical in size. However, to compensate, teams now consist of 18 players on the field at once, a stark change from Baseball 1’s original nine-player teams. Players have been encouraged to spread themselves out everywhere they can, just for the simple fact that positions no longer matter when the field is the size of a small aircraft carrier. So why create a new sport in the first place? According to the MLB’s press release, the inspiration for Baseball 2 was simple – Baseball 1 just wasn’t big enough. In a recent interview, Manfred stated, “People love bigger things! Consider the fate of headphone jacks – they’ve been a staple of smartphones for years, but as long as you make the phone itself
bigger, people will keep buying it. I mean, I could double the price of stadium beer and beer sales would increase exponentially … actually, that gives me an idea!” The MLB itself offered an alternative, yet reportedly equally relevant, reason for Baseball 2’s existence. “By doubling pretty much everything,” the MLB stated, “We feel like players will have increased agility and athleticism, and viewers will be more entertained.” The MLB’s logic seems to have precedent, as a study conducted last year found that sports fans reported increased satisfaction when they saw players running around a large field from far away. “Otherwise,” the study concluded, “why would people like soccer so much?” Not everyone is happy with the announcement. Most notably, Baseball 1 players themselves are angry at the MLB for “phasing them out.” Their complaints aren’t ungrounded – the last season of Baseball 1 is scheduled to end in October of 2017. It also appears as though the MLB will be preparing for Baseball 2’s season (now year-round, because the season length has also been doubled) as early as April of 2018. Unlike the players, many fans are looking forward to April. Ann Webb, an avid Dodgers’ fan, said, “You know, I’m a fan of the MLB’s logic! I do enjoy watching people run on fields! It reminds me that we’re all just steadily running away from the inevitability of death!” Similarly, Mark Nelson, a self-described “semi-fan” of sports, stated “You’re tellin’ me I get to pay double for beer? Sign me the hell up!” Regardless of popular opinion, Baseball 2 is coming soon. The MLB’s official Twitter made a post which succinctly summed up the organization’s thoughts on the matter: “Baseball 2: it’s bigger, it’s batter, and it’s totally out of control.”
G.O.A.T. (n.): A hollow-horned animal that can easily climb mountains.
Example sentence: “Don’t ask me why they named him after the greatest basketball player of all time, but Michael Jordan is the G.O.A.T.”
“Sorry, I gotta go study” (phr.): “I’m on my sixth straight hour of marathoning Netflix and you’re interrupting.”
Example sentence: “Sorry, I gotta go study. We can talk some more after I’ve finished my NTFLX 101 homework.”
O-Chem (n.): The thing that will probably stop your kid from getting into med school. Example sentence: “Actually, I’m really enjoying O-Chem, and I hope that I can get more of it.”
CS dungeon (n.): Crazy Sex dungeon. Example sentence: “Gotta go to the CS dungeon again. Fuck me, am I right?”
THC (abbr.): Totally Hyped (for) Class. Example sentence: “Nothing compares to the high that I get from THC.”
Satire that always keeps you on your toes
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November 1, 2017
7th College to Be Called Pradeep Khosla College, Namer Still Unknown
Incoming Freshmen Ready to Reinvent Themselves for College, Still Sad
By Dan Kaliblotzky Staff Writer
U
CSD recently announced a new addition to their college system, which will be named after current Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. Khosla assured reporters that this was “the best suggestion we had” and that he was “definitely deeply humbled to have been nominated for this honor by someone who clearly appreciates hard work when they see it.” All the staff that was questioned claimed to have no knowledge on the origins of this suggestion, though they seemed to approve of the choice. “Chancellor Khosla emailed us one day about this new college, but didn’t mention who suggested the name. I don’t know who could have possibly thought of a more deserving person,” recounted an anonymous first-year teacher. “I mean he could probably have me fired if I didn’t like it, but that’s totally not the case. By the way, have I mentioned lately how honorable Chancellor Khosla is and how deserving of this honor he is? Someone as honorable as him wouldn’t fire me before I get tenure, right?” Khosla, a graduate of the Indian Institute of Technology Kharagpur and former director of Carnegie Mellon’s Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering, is happy to leave his imprint on education at UCSD. “I really have no clue who came up with the name, why do you ask?” said Khosla. “All I know is that being the namesake for Khosla College gives me the opportunity to mold future generations, and there’s someone who wants to see the world in 2050 built in the image of Pradeep Khosla.”
PHOTO By daniel kupor
Though this freshman could add smiles to snapshots of the past, there was no way to edit smiles into snapshots of the present. PHOTO By Lawrence lee
The individual who would eventually go on to expose the voting fraud was known only as Pradeep Throat. Khosla’s enthusiasm for education, legacy, and other people’s success is slated as the inspiration for the new college’s educational goals. Its general education requirements will include a six-course writing series on South Asian culture and successful Indian college graduates. The courses, each differentiated by a different letter of the alphabet (announced to be A, H, K, L, O, and S in an undetermined order), are, according to Khosla intended to take “quite some effort, possibly even requiring students to take the class alone in some quarters. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of the person – er, I mean, the people and culture that this course teaches.” Other general education requirements include two humanities courses, two arts courses, and
a minor in computer science. Janet Napolitano, President of the UC system, commented, “It is possible that the rigor of Khosla College course load may keep students studying for their undergraduate degree for a bit longer, but I profoundly believe it is worth the extra tuition it may cost.” Estimates of a Khosla student four-year plan currently do not exist; however, the tentative description on the college’s website states, “Imagine an engineering student’s four-year plan, and then add your major’s plan to it.” A premature acceptance email was allegedly sent to first year Felix Bonifatus, who described its contents: “It basically just said ‘Welcome to UCSD!’ with an advertisement for the Communication Department under it.” It is not currently known when
such acceptance emails will begin rolling out, as Khosla College currently lacks a physical campus to admit students into. With the newly announced additions to Sixth College’s residential buildings, Khosla’s buildings are scheduled to finish construction in 2037 at earliest. Although faculty seem clueless on the matter, the student body seems to have a clue as to who suggested the college’s striking title. “I think he’s been here for some time,” suggests secondyear Marcus Apertus. “Just a feeling of mine, but I think his initials may be PK,” posits third-year Jamie Discipula. “I don’t know. I thought it would be funny. I didn’t know they would actually choose it,” says fourth-year Peter Kennedy.
Local Hero Finished Watching All Porn so You Don’t Have To By Natalia Nenn Staff Writer
L
a Jolla resident Henry Basta has achieved what many men have only only dreamed of; he is the first man to have successfully watched every pornographic video that is available on the internet. Basta, age 28, has devoted the greater portion of his life to viewing porn from his parent's basement with no less than 18 monitors set up. This gave him the ability to watch multiple films at once and reduce the overall time in which he needed to complete his goal. "It started when I was around 12 when online porn was fairly new," Basta stated. "The more video streaming porn became popular, the less satisfied I was with watching only a few clips of those three to five minute juicy tidbits of erotic imagery that you can find free on any porn site. I needed more, so I decided to watch them all." In order to maintain enough capital to afford his numerous porn subscriptions, Basta reached out to many porn websites for free premium memberships in order to complete his feat of nature. Some of the first websites to sponsor Basta were madthumbs.com and pornerbros.com, and once the word circulated in the porn industry that someone was serious about wanting to watch all porn, more and more websites were willing to provide free memberships. Pornhub community coordinator Katie Kenzi said of Basta's journey, "We were all rooting for Henry. He became somewhat of a legend in both
Elizabeth Niculescu Staff Writer
A
study released this week by the University of California, San Diego has concluded that although most incoming freshmen believe college is time to turn over a new leaf, they are a group exactly as depressed and directionless as they were in high school. “Our research clearly demonstrates that no amount of soul searching is going to help these kids. There is literally no version of themselves that they will like,” says lead researcher Dr. Steven Schwann. This news comes at a time when most incoming students still have hope that temporarily “experimenting” with their hair or sexuality to gain “cool points” before inevitably switching back to their original selves will heal the self-loathing that they cultivated through hours of comparing themselves to each other on the Internet. The 376 subjects for the study were chosen during June orientation and were asked to give a thorough history of their high school selves, as well as a prediction of their college years. Then, they were unknowingly trailed around campus through Week 3 of the school year by grad students, who recorded their observations and compared them to the hopes and dreams recorded in June. Schwann says that the results can be described as “unsurprising” and “pretty sad.”
For example, 89 percent of participants stated that college would be a “romantic windfall,” regardless of their track record in high school. By the time the study ended, only seven percent were in any stage of courtship with a person of interest. During the study, Schwann and associates also noted that the 2017 incoming freshman class spent an average of 3.4 hours per day preparing social media posts to convince their high school colleagues that they are doing so much better now that they are striking it out on their own in the real world, also observing a strong direct relationship between insecurity and social media presence, particularly on Snapchat. “Going through the social media posts for the study was probably the most challenging part of the study for us, patience-wise,” remarked Schwann. “Each one of those posts represents a decision by an individual to share his or her own mediocre experience with everyone they know. These numbers were especially high on days such as Meet the Beach and Fall Y’all.” Based on the data as a whole, Dr. Schwann extrapolates that the freshman ambition for reinvention will begin to peter out towards the end of the first quarter, saying, “my advice for all first years would be: if you weren’t interesting and hip before college, don’t expect that to change. Better to just give up and settle for who you are from the get-go.”
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Atypical Ways to Tell If You Are Pregnant PHOTO By Jessica ma
“Oh my, that’s pornography!” gasped a Guinness World Record Official after getting a glimpse of Basta’s laptop screen. his persistence and endurance, and we definitely wanted to see him succeed and show the world it was a possible feat from the start." Although Basta claims to have watched every minute of legal porn that is available, he does openly admit his refusal to watch any porn he deems “too unnatural,” such as erotic animation. However, this statement has enraged many in the animation community. Erotic animation enthusiast Tucker Anderson claimed that Basta "couldn't have watched every porn that there is if he hasn't even considered watching an animated Pikachu seduce an animated perfect-10 animated chick with an hourglass figure. Who is he to decide what is and what isn't real porn?" Basta later clarified that
“as long as there’s realistic shading, I’m ok with it. The minute that stuff goes 2D though, it’s just too foreign for me to relate to.” Regardless of this criticism, The Guinness Book of World Records has decided to add Henry Basta as the first man to watch every pornagraphic video available online. The title is currently being reviewed by the Record Managment Team at Guinness. However, Records Category Specialist Cathline Turner believes that given the evidence provided, there is little doubt that the title will go through. "Our team has been reviewing Basta's web browsing history for the past few days and it is very impressive. One of our interns was even crying after clicking on a few of the links and
watching some of the more risque films," states Turner. "Of all the records I've verified over the years working at Guinness, this is one of the few records that I think will go down in history independently from the world records book itself as a truly remarkable feat of humanity." Henry Basta is seen in his community as a hero and is revered by many of his peers but Basta humbly disagrees. "I became so serious about my dream of wanting to be the first man to watch all porn that I stopped masturbating. Watching porn became more work than pleasure. I was only doing this for me, not the fame." Yet Basta will live on in the hearts of many as the man who achieved an important goal for all of modern society.
10. You got an email confirmation from a stork 9. Everyone keeps asking how far along you are, but you don't have an essay assigned 8. A quiz told you that you were pregnant 7. Your car turned into a minivan 6. You accidentally bought the family size KFC chicken bucket 5. Those pants just don’t fit anymore 4. It’s gotten a lot harder to do that bit where you put a soccer ball under your shirt 3. You got an invite to your own baby shower 2. You start to end your sentences with “but think of the baby” 1. Your water just broke
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November 1, 2017
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New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day
Page 11
EDITORIAL Hey, Hey! Wait for Me to Leave Class before You Enter, Asshole
Daniel Clinton Managing Editor
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PHOTO By Hannah Rosenbaltt
In addition to routine exorcisms, priests also suggest that children regularly engage in violent projectile vomiting at least twice a week. Sage Cristal several skeptics have asked held a press conference on supporter of this new study,
I
Content Editor
n a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on in life. Last Thursday, the teams published a detailed report based on extensive studies that advocates for at least two hours of active demon expulsion once a day. The report illustrated the need for children to “rid their tiny little bodies of Satan” for an average of 14 to 15 hours a week in order to maintain a healthy BMI. The release also emphasized the necessity for parental supervision when practicing the purification ritual; 18 percent of exorcisms in children result in the loss of the child’s soul to the devil. This phenomenon is thought to be caused by a combination of a lack of parental oversight along with an overall shortage of fervent Latin chanting. Dr. Brenda Martin, the lead researcher at UCLA,
Tuesday which addressed many concerns brought up by other members of the scientific community and worried parents. When asked by a reporter how she made the connection between childhood obesity and demonic possession, Martin recounted, “One day on the playground when I was just a wee lass, I noticed a strange development in the body of one of my classmates. He had just eaten three whole McDonald’s kids meals for lunch, and complained all afternoon that his stomach was gurgling like the river Styx. By the end of the day when his mother came to pick him up, he vomited up what could only be the carcass of one of Lucifer’s spawn. It was then I knew there had to be some connection between overweight children and the demonic occupancy of a person’s physical form.” Tanya Brandy, a churchgoing parent and a resolute
told reporters on Friday, “Soon after the report was published, I knew immediately that my little Josiah had Satan burrowed into the pits of his soul. He recently turned 13 and had been eating like a pig, cussing like a sailor, and acting out like a liberal arts student. “I phoned my priest that evening and he performed an exorcism on my son after we had a lovely dinner of spareribs and steak fries. It only took the priest 15 minutes to get my son to vomit what my priest believes to have been three entire demon carcases and the head of a Lego man. Now, my son has lost 15 pounds and any desire he previously had to worship Satan. He also lost any desire to do go to school, play with friends, or do anything else, but I’m sure it will all work out once enough family friends pray for him!” Although Brandy claims to have had a positive experience with the exorcism,
the scientific and religious community to denounce all demon exorcisms on children. Keenan Anderson, a medical practitioner of family medicine, has launched a campaign called “#EndExorcism” in an effort to reduce the number of families that practice devil purging. “The thing that these kids are lacking are healthy dietary habits. Not religious fervor, which parents seem to be showering them with plenty of already,” said Anderson. #EndExorcism has since garnered widespread support across the nation and the national exorcism rate has returned to relatively normal levels. However, some groups still fiercely criticise the campaign as “unscientific” and “irrational” such as religious fundamentalists, homeopathy practitioners, and parents who do not vaccinate their children.
A Midsummer Night's Brief Local Furry Uses Halloween to Avoid Judgement Recently, sophomore student Jane Doe has announced her plan to dress up as a tiger this Halloween, confurming her friends’ suspicions and shocking the general populace. Doe is reportedly using this opportunity to dress as furry as possible to avoid the overt verbal judgemewnt of her fellow trick-or-treaters. “I’m so glad I finally have the opportunity to express myself. It’s not everyday that I get to express an important facet of my personality,” Doe said excitedly while stitching together a pair of large, furry, tiger-paw shaped slippers. “It’s such a great experience to dress as my furso – uh, my favorite animal.” “Let’s be real, the only reason she hasn’t done this yet is because she’s afraid of getting publicly shamed,” murmured Kate “Kitty” Fireheart, one of Doe’s roommates. “I’m sure that she’d be roaming the school grounds in a fursuit if people didn’t give her funny looks.” Doe has been very ecstatic as her costume approaches completion, but has had some difficulty thanks to her roommate pawlicing her every five minutes. However, Doe is expected to have her nyatural-looking tiger fursuit just in time for Halloween on Mewsday.
Escaped Grad Student Found Grading Homework in APM Basement The UCSD Police Department recently announced that they have lifted their campus lockdown status, following a 48-hour manhunt to try and track down Antonio Costa, the grad student that escaped his enclosure earlier this week. Costa, who was thought to be locked in his bedroom working on his thesis paper was instead found in the basement of APM, furiously grading undergrad homework assignments in complete darkness. UCSDPD received an anonymous call around midnight that someone with “grungy dreadlocks pulled back in a bun” was running through the wooded area by Student Health Services. When officers arrived at the scene, all they found were muddy footprints and guitar picks, the signature tracks of a grad student. The resulting manhunt – spanning the next two days – ended when Costa was discovered in the basement of APM and escorted to Scripps Hospital where he is undergoing treatment for depression, stress, and fluid thermodynamics disorder. UCSDPD encourages students to report any suspicious persons, particularly those 26 years or older wearing unbuttoned flannel over a t-shirt, and to not, under any circumstances, approach them and ask if they have any plans for work after school.
Halloween Party Ruined by Untimely Serial Killer: “This Isn’t the One We Hired” Halloween weekend for a suburban costume party turned into a literal nightmare when one of the guests committed murder. Initially hired as a costumed stripper, the main suspect showed up on the scene scantily dressed in nothing but fishnets and a bloody coat, seemingly in costume. Recent reports reveal that the substance on her coat was actual blood and the “props” she brought were identified as the murder weapons. Partygoers were appalled at how well the suspect blended in. One commented from Sharp Mesa Vista hospital, “She threw off her coat, and I was about to get the bills ready, but instead I got stabbed. “What’s worse is that she pocketed the money, too. She also killed Jimmy.” People only started to notice the murders two hours after the suspect’s arrival. One partygoer said, “Whenever I’d go to different rooms, I’d see people lying down on the floor with, like, a pool of blood surrounding them. But I just assumed that was part of their costumes.”
understand that our time on this earth is finite. And I understand that you want to maximize your time in your plane of mortal existence. But can you please just fucking stay out of my plane of mortal existence? I see you there waiting with your backpack you’ve worn since middle school, with a matching pair of plaid pants. I see you stretching your legs after my professor said they were done. I see the gun fire in your eyes as you dash into the room like your 2.7 GPA depends on it. I see you catch a glance of my 3.2 GPA as I habitually check it every hour. Just because you’re jealous doesn't mean you have to be a sore loser. I am not your enemy. I am not one of the snakes you fight to secure the perfect location for zoning in and out of class while checking Facebook. The half-legible notes you wrote while taking a BuzzFeed quiz won’t be affected by allowing me proper space and time to exit this building. That call from your parents where you lie about how great this year is going will not be made better by Black Friday-ing your ass through me. Please allow me ample time to put away my gaming mouse, as I have long since mastered the art of multitasking, and am able to play minesweeper while also listening to the lecturer. I’ve already watched you run into
an empty desk eight times in a row, which you might have difficulty remembering. So let me repeat myself. Hey asshole, you may want to be ready for class five minutes before your professor even considers walking to this lecture hall, but can you please just allow me safe passage outside? This hellhole of a lecture hall was designed by MC Esher and a small turtle, so when I try to leave five minutes early and you block my path to a different architecturally-confused lecture hall, I am going to not be happy. If I can find you I’m going to have some choice words with you just as soon as I find this exit hidden in a koi pond. Now, I know that you mean no harm in your actions, and that you missed the day of kindergarten in which they explained that your actions have consequences, but can you please just follow the rules of public transport? If we happen to make eye contact we must fight to the death. Just as the way it should be. Now this might sound crazy to a person of your intelligence, but if you allow those in your way to move before blocking them in, you’ll actually be able to enter the building faster. In case you’re still confused, imagine you had two Hot Wheels and one piece of track. If you push the Hot Wheels from both sides of the track, they’ll collide in the center. Now, if the Hot Wheels who is being an asshole would just wait for the Hot Wheels who just wants to go home and take off his socks, both could get where they want to go faster. You would then give those who are impeding your path to the promised land of Warren Lecture Hall 2005 the ability to get out of your allimportant way, and can yell at the people exiting York Hall too slowly. Two stairs at a time, asshole.
TOP Ten
Baskin Robbins Accidentally Creates 32nd Flavor, Immediately Destroys It The internet is buzzing after the Baskin Robbins CEO, Nigel Travis, confirmed the momentary existence of a 32nd ice cream flavor. Travis alerted reporters Sunday evening about the accidental creation of a flavor named “Hot Mama Sriracha” which was said to have been created with two parts vanilla bean ice cream, one part Sriracha, and one part ghost pepper. After announcing the new flavor, Travis revealed that the existing samples of Hot Mama Sriracha and its recipe were destroyed in a controlled fire. “It was just too powerful. If the recipe got into the wrong hands … I don’t even want to think about the repercussions,” said Travis. Once word got out that the flavor was destroyed, fans of hot and spicy foods were furious. Jennifer Candon, who runs a Hot Cheetos Fan Page on Facebook, told reporters, “Imagine how much good they could do with Hot Mama Sriracha! Sure, people could get hurt, but depriving people of this new flavor is an attack on my constitutional rights.” Due to the backlash from this decision, Baskin Robbins’s social media presence has been suspended until further notice.
Things Your Professor Was Thinking While Giving You That Midterm 10. I've already decided that this test's average will be 37 percent 9. What's that stain on my khakis? 8. Look at these losers, still having to pay for scantrons 7. I'm getting paid way too much for this 6. Oh wow, it’s that idiot who asked that dumb question at office hours 5. Did I feed the cat this morning? Oh wait, did I give them the right test? 4. Wait 'till these assholes realize it's short answer 3. I’m really glad I'm not sober right now 2. Was bingo the name of the farmer or the name of the dog? 1. What class is this again? You can drop this paper without a W
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Page 12
The Modern Science of
Halloween
November 1, 2017
Despite extensive research on the classification of ancient monsters, more recent developments of monster phylogeny and ecological niches are still largely unknown. This record explores the modernized practices and defining characteristics of newly differentiated species prevalent around Halloween, with an emphasis on defining up-and-coming phenomenons and unique adaptations. Enjoy!
The Anatomy of the Scariest Monster Ever
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Easy Potion Recipes
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The Placebo
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The Mommy Drink
Ingredients: One part Merlot, one part Cabernet, two parts Corona Effect: Gives you a realistic parenting experience.
Ingredients: 99.9% water, 1% sugar Effect: Does exactly what you think it does, but only slightly.
Definitely the Stuff in Those Glow Sticks
A Real Bad Time Ingredients: 3 parts vodka, 1 whole Capri Sun Effect: Makes you a lot of fun at parties.
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Ingredients: 1 part ammonia, 1 part bleach Effect: Glows? And restores 20HP, we’re not sure why.
10 True Facts About Supernatural Creatures ; Did you know...
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Bigfoot wears a size 18.5 shoe
During the Great Depression, mummies had to resort to wrapping themselves in discarded CVS receipts instead of bandages
Frankenstein’s monster has daddy issues
Vampires aren’t actually hurt by garlic. They’re just very picky food critics
The best way to escape a werewolf is to pretend to throw a ball into the distance and run the opposite way
You can temporarily incapacitate a zombie by giving it a back massage
Poor infrastructure maintenance has led to a desolation of the troll’s natural habitat
Skeletons enjoy it when you play their rib cage like a xylophone
That demon possessing you is actually just looking for a place to stay since his mom kicked him out before he was ready to live on his own
Santa was supposed to be a Halloween monster, but people only focused on the presents and not how he watched children while they sleep
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1) Reverse Medusa, has people for hair 2) Shakes violently and has googly eyes 3) Can spit like a llama 4) Dressed in a Glad trash bag 5) Has a shitty tattoo done with a dirty needle 6) Smells like AXE Body Spray 7) One of its legs bends the wrong way 8) Has high heels because it’s fierce 9) Mouth is a black hole, because we don’t know enough about them to not be scared of them 10) Holds a mirror, but you don’t know why it holds a mirror 11) A woodpecker built a nest into it 12) Flared denim jeans
Recently Discovered Monsters The Alabama Demon-Mime
This freakish, mime-like monster was discovered in the backwoods of Alabama, miming what scientists have interpreted to mean, “I killed a family of bears.” Place & Time of Discovery The Alabama Demon-Mime is Albertville, Alabama known to viciously slaughter its prey Oct 13 21:05 CDT unless it stays dead silent.
Garbanzo, the Off-Duty Clown Place & Time of Discovery Modesto, California Oct 22 2:45 PDT
The Nameless Builder
When not juggling bowling pins at children’s birthday parties, Garbanzo can be see in the suburbs of Modesto eating stray cats while juggling bowling pins.
Cabins continue to be mysteriously built overnight in the woods surrounding Sunflower Valley. The citizens are getting Place & Time of Discovery worried about this problem, and Sunflower Valley, California they don’t know who can fix it. Oct 28 17:04 PDT
The Toenail This monster is rumored to be the Fairy Tooth Fairy’s less adorable cousin. It’s said that if you leave toenail clippings under your pillow, the Toenail Fairy will exchange them for Tim Place & Time of Discovery Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Hortons coupons. But they’re all Oct 19 1:09 CDT expired, that monster! After recently graduating college with a bachelor’s in philosophy at the University of Denver, Steve is willing to do anything for $15. And we mean anything.
Rumor has it that if you chant her name three times in front of a mirror, she will appear and start shit-talking the Virgin Mary.
Steve Place & Time of Discovery Denver, Colorado Oct 23 6:18 CDT
The Virgin Margarita Place & Time of Discovery Guadalajara, Jalisco Oct 30 20:29 CDT