THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
Things are getting worse faster than I can lower my standards. — Gina McCarthy, Former Administrator of the EPA
The perfect accessory to any crime
November 1, 2017
Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist
Volume XXIV Issue II
In This issue Cancer cure overshadowed by trump tweet
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“Smelt it, dealt it” policy imprisons DeA officers
4
Pixar Presents “Plague Catchers”
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North Korea developing photo bomb New study recommends daily exorcising
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News in Brief “So, what you want are short but quick concentric circles. Keep the strokes nice and light,” said the artist. By Samantha Cane Staff Writer
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ast week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in El Cajon. While observers note that Gardner’s new job pays poorly and is largely a dead end, Gardener maintains that he is “at least a starving biologist and not a starving artist.” Gardner emerged from college triumphantly, planning
on entering the workforce armed solely with his new STEM degree and no prior work experience or plans to attend graduate school. “Yeah, I’ve got it all worked out,” said Gardner in an interview shortly after graduation. “I got a good GPA these past four years since I didn’t distract myself with things like internships or labs. And I read about graduate school on Buzzfeed, so I can tell it’s not meant for me.” After months of fruitless labor, Gardner discovered that he had been naive to think
that his degree and GPA alone would earn him the attention of employers. “I don’t understand. I mostly just followed what ‘The Sandlot’ told me – if you build it, they will come – so I left my resume on some websites and waited for the offers to flow in,” said Gardner at the end of summer. “I tried all the best sites: Indeed, Reddit, Craigslist … nothing came up. I think my problem is I searched for jobs on Bing. Maybe I should try Ask.com instead.” Opposed to getting into even more debt, Gardner
PHOTO By jessica ma
considered other alternatives to fulfill his parents’ wishes. “For now, I’m working a full-time job at Star Nursery in El Cajon, which is close to my degree I guess,” Gardner explained, leaning against a cart of shrubs and poinsettias with a vacant look in his eyes. “Like, I could be in a lab or some shit solving cancer, that’d be pretty cool, but I’m just … pulling plants on a wagon. But I mean, it pays the bills, you know? Well, like, two of my five utility bills, but
See Biologist, page 2
Ghost of John Muir Spotted on Campus, Seen Hoarding Beef Jerky
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Yesterday, area man Clarence Simpson visited his local farmer’s market where he witnessed what can only be described as “the pinnacle of human ignorance.” Simpson said, “I was having a good thyme with some cabbage until some cabbitch walked up to a stand and said, ‘Could I have some basil? I want to make some pasta,’ while pointing at some arugula,” “Well, at that moment, I found it chard not to slap that person, let’s call her Rose, in the face. She made my heart spinache! Does she live in an establishmint with no knowledge of greens?” Simpson recounted that he thought to himself, “Rose,
marry some person who knows their greens better than you, or your chances of a long, healthy life are tarragone. “The reason I have the adillity to live an intelligent, well-informed, and mild-mannered life is my commitment to these herbs and leafy greens. I have fenneled my entire life into these magical, edible, leaves, and you can’t mustard up enough effort to even know what arugula is?” Simpson left a message for the uneducated woman which is as follows: “Lettuce me know if you ever get a clue, but until you know what arugula is, please romaine at home!”
History Channel Launches New Series, “Fuck It, What If?”
By Jade Hookham Staff Writer
ollowing October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and stealing handfuls of blueberry muffins, to-go meals, and beef jerky. The student told authorities that he believed the specter to be delivering some sort of message from beyond, and the student approached him with the utmost caution. However, he recalled that he was almost immediately berated with insults by the ghost, such as “Not even HDH would hire you, ya hippie scum.” “I was at a complete loss for what to do,” a student told reporters, while working up a nervous sweat. “I thought, ‘Would I even make it out of this alive?’ I never got a chance to go to The Bistro! Hell, I hadn’t even had time to microwave the gyudon I bought for dinner that night!” The student appeared to be physically unnerved, recalling through his heaving breaths, “Just after the ghost of John Muir verbally assaulted me, he somehow got ahold of my gyudon and said something along the lines of, ‘Tha hell is this lump o’ crap? Do they serve this garbage at the dining halls?’ So I told him that it
Area Man: “Kale Me Now” in Response to Woman’s Ignorance on Greens
PHOTO By jessica ma
“Damn whippersnappers, get off my quad!” shouted Muir while shaking his stick of beef jerky at the cowering children. required microwaving in order to be edible.” The student then reported that Muir demanded to see the microwave in action, as he was “pretty damn hungry, dude” and needed to be sated immediately. But in a surprising twist of events, the ghost took a liking to the microwavable gyudon. Completely unaware of the dish’s fat and sodium contents, Muir reportedly consumed around six servings of the gyudon, breaking John’s Market’s microwave in the process. When the student asked Muir if he intended to pay for dam-
ages, he simply said, “Without me, you limp noodles wouldn’t even have this store, and by extension that microwave.” “I didn’t want to engage with that undead diva,” said the student, “so I called the campus police and prayed that Muir wouldn’t loot the baked goods next.” According to the student, the spirit was last seen gallivanting through the Muir parking lot, occasionally stopping to do snow angels in a pile of half-eaten beef jerky. Skeptics have raised questions about this encounter. June Garthrow, a professor at
UCSD asked, “Was that really John Muir’s ghost? If so, what reason would he have for returning?” “Really, it could’ve just been some hobo,” the student said. “Or maybe my Econ professor decided to go out for a wild night. Either way, we may never know what I really saw.” When pressed for more, he admitting, “My real goal was to get on Buzzfeed Unsolved. I may have been grasping at straws here. My bad, everyone.”
The early bird catches the worm
Human slingshot project still in infancy
But the late bird catches the fish
Taking baby steps
The History Channel recently began production of a new original series, where loosely-named professionals speculate on a wide variety of historical theories. “History Channel has the most historical speculations and conspiracy theories of any station,” stated CEO Robert Dafton while swirling a halffull wine glass of sparkling Redbull. “The titles of some of our previous series – such as ‘MonsterQuest’ and ‘Ancient Aliens’ – leave limited space to discuss larger historical topics. We want to educate our modern youth on some of the lesser-known, less-proven theories across the globe.” The series has scheduled episodes to discuss topics,
such as Ronald McDonald possibly being extradimensional, or Hot Topic potentially having existed in fourteenth century Sicily. Screenwriter Daisy Randoll expressed her excitement for the upcoming success of the new series. “I mean, anything anyone says is technically history,” Randoll told reporters at the History Channel’s “I Saw an Alien Once and Therefore It’s Historical” conference. “Modern Americans won’t know the difference between speculation and hard evidence. So fuck it, what if Congress is run by Pokemon? I’m sure there’s a theory about it somewhere.”
Area Woman Sure She Doesn’t Want Crate & Barrel Card, Veteran Store Associate Disagrees Area woman Lily Petersen was shocked and disgusted when she was encouraged to apply for an instore credit card at her local Crate & Barrel. “I’m usually not one for confrontation,” explained Lily, clearly shaken by her experience. “My shopping experience up to this point has been simple: you enter the store, you look, you buy a product, and you exit the store. I don’t know why I need a store specific card to finance my purchase. I just got a few wine glasses! I don’t need to finance them!” Shane, the associate who
attempted to sell the card, was very adamant about the benefits of the card for every customer. “If you’re a loyal customer,” he explained, “the card will help you earn extra reward dollars, and you get access to exclusive rewards and no annual fee! And if you’re a one-time customer, the card may not help you per se, but it would most definitely help us. We have quotas to reach from corporate, you know.” Crate & Barrel’s corporate office did not reply to requests for comments.
See BRIEFS, page 11