THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“Don’t you see?... If we can make it sound smart enough, we’re allowed to do stupid things.” - Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, after passing the tax reform bill
Just a drug-fueled fever dream
December 6, 2017
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Volume XXIV Issue III
In This issue Jesus Posts wishlist for upcoming birthday
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UCSD ends fundraising schemes, has enough money
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Guide to getting on and winning a game show road closures around ucsd following kaiju breakout white nationalists protest name of black friday
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News in Brief While Trump didn’t eat the cookies, he did leave a note saying that Trump Towers makes the best cookies. By Andres HernandezCosme Staff Writer
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ast Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint his body green on the day of Christmas Eve, dress similar to Santa Claus on that
night, and break into people’s homes to take their presents and decorations. “It’s a good system,” President Trump claimed, “and the details are all worked out, you’ll see. I’ll fit in with my surroundings because I’ll be green. I have Vice President Pence set to dress like a reindeer and help. It’ll be great. It’ll fix everything, and everyone will be happy and everyone
will be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again, believe me.” When asked about why he decided to implement this plan, Trump grumbled repeatedly about noise, and then declined to answer any further questions. Vice President Pence followed President Trump, but went into a doghouse with his name on it rather than entering the White House.
PHOTO By Daniel Clinton
A group called “Many Against X-mas” has said that they feel Trump’s plan will benefit everyone. Though they too failed to give reason as to why they believed it was necessary. They stood firmly by the belief that Trump’s blatant stealing, breaking and entering, and general hijinks were
See Trump, page 2
UCSD Instructor Advocates to Change the Name of Finals to “Beginnings” By Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor
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CSD art history professor Kathleen Doriente recently set up a GoFundMe in an effort to officially change finals week to “beginnings week.” In a recent interview during her Tuesday “Netflix and chill” office hours, Doriente asserted that naming the final tests “finals” pushed an idea of ending, when in reality, the quarter tests prepare students for the beginning of a new life. “If you name the test a ‘final,’ students are going to think this is the end of the entire subject, and that they can just forget everything afterward,” expanded Doriente. “That is not how life works. You must carry your past with you to a new beginning. As a Taoist monk once told me, ‘Get over your husband Wilbur, Kathy, and please find a new temple to vent to.’ Yes, it is a finale, but it is also a beginning.” Doriente’s proposal was met with support and condolences about Wilbur in the humanities department, prompting Doriente to put her idea into action. By the end of October, Doriente had set up an official GoFundMe and made her unpaid TAs hand out fliers around campus. When asked why she needed money to change the name
PHOTO By Dan Kaliblotzky
In her lecture pictured above, Doriente explained to her students that every ending is a beginning, and every wine glass can be refilled. of a test, Doriente answered, “My beginning needs a better funded start. It’s not true that the woman gets everything in divorce. No, really, it’s not.” Students of Doriente like her proposal and believe that changing the name of finals will lead to a better mentality around campus. “It’s like, protesting the strict measures of our modern grading system,” said unenrolled student Gale Bennington. “Like, our lives won’t end or be determined by the C+ that could have been a B- my anthropology professor wouldn’t move up. That ain’t my final grade – It’s the begin-
Feline spots cat burglar Exercises second amendment right
ning of new and better grades to come.” Despite the amount of support, the beginnings proposal has also received backlash from many students and faculty of UCSD. “It doesn’t make any sense,” argued Physics Professor Yu Mishakuji. “It’s called the ‘final’ because it is the final test for the class. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Wilbur, Kathy, but you can’t take this out on the whole school.” Doriente responded to Mishakuji’s claim with, “It didn’t ‘not work out’ with Wilbur, it’s a beginning in a new step of both our lives.” She then explained
how tests in life come before the lesson, and that people may learn from those tests and carry their results with them into future tests, and not leave their current test for a younger, prettier test. The result of future beginnings tests is still being determined, as Doriente plans to take the proposal to Chancellor Khosla by the end, or rather, beginning of winter quarter. If you would like to support Doriente’s beginnings campaign, donate to her GoFundMe or visit her at her Friday “Light a joint and make a point” office hours.
Local designer reluctant to make product Local manager puts foot down
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” items, has taken UCSD by storm. HDH faculty was so moved by the game’s peacefulness that they have chosen to apply the game’s bartering system to their own restaurants. Soon, cold brews at Oceanview will cost two fruit beetles, and a scoop of ice cream at John’s Market will cost a single horse mackerel. In a special finals week deal, Hydroflasks will be reduced from three rainbow trouts to one, but a recent poll has
revealed that most people would have paid three trout because, “What campers ask for rainbow trouts anyways?” Some students are confused by the change, having never played Pocket Camp. Second year Tom N. said, “I’m confused. I just got a job at Pines, and they told me my first paycheck would be four logs of wood.” Another student, who claimed to be named “Adult Kat,” was excited about the change: “I’ve already memorized what crafting material every animal gives you in ACPC, and now I’m excited to find the HDH jobs that pay in cotton. I need to upgrade my tent!”
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth was merely several hundred, average-sized raccoons. In order to reach this monumental conclusion, research was conducted across campus in what Chancellor Khosla has called “the most profound and interdepartmental undertaking the university had ever achieved.” Kate Kiehfuss, a secondyear who first saw the raccoon, stated that she heard the raccoon growl and that it had “ascended to a plane of higher existence,” and that it would “finally be understood and feared.” A campus-wide
survey revealed Muir students were the most afraid of the creature, as they had “never seen a raccoon before.” However, upon hearing that the animal was just a collective hive-mind of all the racoons of La Jolla, life continued on campus as normal. “I’m not really afraid anymore. I mean, look, a 60foot beast? That’s scary. But raccoons and I? We’re practically the same,” said Mason Ritchie, a first year. “The only difference is that the garbage they eat is from the trash, and the garbage we eat is from Foodworx.” Requests for comments from the raccoon amalgam were repeatedly denied.
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I don’t understand why this wholesome holiday is defined by a really dull color scheme,” complained Clauser as he flailed red and green tinsel around. When asked what about the colors turn him away, Clauser pointed to a bin of Christmas decorations and exclaimed, “They’re all the same shade! It’s boring.” As Clauser angrily rifled through the bin and exam-
ined two wall decorations of different hues before roughly throwing them down, Clauser’s friend Jesse Weiler explained, “He’s severely colorblind.” Weiler briefly looked back at Clauser, who had tears in his eyes while holding up a red and green ornaments before adding, “He legally can’t drive.” Weiler paused before continuing, “It’s also why he had to give up his dream of being a pilot. He’s never quite recovered since.”
See BRIEFS, page 11