THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“Don’t you see?... If we can make it sound smart enough, we’re allowed to do stupid things.” - Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, after passing the tax reform bill
Just a drug-fueled fever dream
December 6, 2017
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Volume XXIV Issue III
In This issue Jesus Posts wishlist for upcoming birthday
2
UCSD ends fundraising schemes, has enough money
4
Guide to getting on and winning a game show road closures around ucsd following kaiju breakout white nationalists protest name of black friday
6,7 8 10
News in Brief While Trump didn’t eat the cookies, he did leave a note saying that Trump Towers makes the best cookies. By Andres HernandezCosme Staff Writer
L
ast Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint his body green on the day of Christmas Eve, dress similar to Santa Claus on that
night, and break into people’s homes to take their presents and decorations. “It’s a good system,” President Trump claimed, “and the details are all worked out, you’ll see. I’ll fit in with my surroundings because I’ll be green. I have Vice President Pence set to dress like a reindeer and help. It’ll be great. It’ll fix everything, and everyone will be happy and everyone
will be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again, believe me.” When asked about why he decided to implement this plan, Trump grumbled repeatedly about noise, and then declined to answer any further questions. Vice President Pence followed President Trump, but went into a doghouse with his name on it rather than entering the White House.
PHOTO By Daniel Clinton
A group called “Many Against X-mas” has said that they feel Trump’s plan will benefit everyone. Though they too failed to give reason as to why they believed it was necessary. They stood firmly by the belief that Trump’s blatant stealing, breaking and entering, and general hijinks were
See Trump, page 2
UCSD Instructor Advocates to Change the Name of Finals to “Beginnings” By Lauren Kirkbride Design Editor
U
CSD art history professor Kathleen Doriente recently set up a GoFundMe in an effort to officially change finals week to “beginnings week.” In a recent interview during her Tuesday “Netflix and chill” office hours, Doriente asserted that naming the final tests “finals” pushed an idea of ending, when in reality, the quarter tests prepare students for the beginning of a new life. “If you name the test a ‘final,’ students are going to think this is the end of the entire subject, and that they can just forget everything afterward,” expanded Doriente. “That is not how life works. You must carry your past with you to a new beginning. As a Taoist monk once told me, ‘Get over your husband Wilbur, Kathy, and please find a new temple to vent to.’ Yes, it is a finale, but it is also a beginning.” Doriente’s proposal was met with support and condolences about Wilbur in the humanities department, prompting Doriente to put her idea into action. By the end of October, Doriente had set up an official GoFundMe and made her unpaid TAs hand out fliers around campus. When asked why she needed money to change the name
PHOTO By Dan Kaliblotzky
In her lecture pictured above, Doriente explained to her students that every ending is a beginning, and every wine glass can be refilled. of a test, Doriente answered, “My beginning needs a better funded start. It’s not true that the woman gets everything in divorce. No, really, it’s not.” Students of Doriente like her proposal and believe that changing the name of finals will lead to a better mentality around campus. “It’s like, protesting the strict measures of our modern grading system,” said unenrolled student Gale Bennington. “Like, our lives won’t end or be determined by the C+ that could have been a B- my anthropology professor wouldn’t move up. That ain’t my final grade – It’s the begin-
Feline spots cat burglar Exercises second amendment right
ning of new and better grades to come.” Despite the amount of support, the beginnings proposal has also received backlash from many students and faculty of UCSD. “It doesn’t make any sense,” argued Physics Professor Yu Mishakuji. “It’s called the ‘final’ because it is the final test for the class. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Wilbur, Kathy, but you can’t take this out on the whole school.” Doriente responded to Mishakuji’s claim with, “It didn’t ‘not work out’ with Wilbur, it’s a beginning in a new step of both our lives.” She then explained
how tests in life come before the lesson, and that people may learn from those tests and carry their results with them into future tests, and not leave their current test for a younger, prettier test. The result of future beginnings tests is still being determined, as Doriente plans to take the proposal to Chancellor Khosla by the end, or rather, beginning of winter quarter. If you would like to support Doriente’s beginnings campaign, donate to her GoFundMe or visit her at her Friday “Light a joint and make a point” office hours.
Local designer reluctant to make product Local manager puts foot down
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” items, has taken UCSD by storm. HDH faculty was so moved by the game’s peacefulness that they have chosen to apply the game’s bartering system to their own restaurants. Soon, cold brews at Oceanview will cost two fruit beetles, and a scoop of ice cream at John’s Market will cost a single horse mackerel. In a special finals week deal, Hydroflasks will be reduced from three rainbow trouts to one, but a recent poll has
revealed that most people would have paid three trout because, “What campers ask for rainbow trouts anyways?” Some students are confused by the change, having never played Pocket Camp. Second year Tom N. said, “I’m confused. I just got a job at Pines, and they told me my first paycheck would be four logs of wood.” Another student, who claimed to be named “Adult Kat,” was excited about the change: “I’ve already memorized what crafting material every animal gives you in ACPC, and now I’m excited to find the HDH jobs that pay in cotton. I need to upgrade my tent!”
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth was merely several hundred, average-sized raccoons. In order to reach this monumental conclusion, research was conducted across campus in what Chancellor Khosla has called “the most profound and interdepartmental undertaking the university had ever achieved.” Kate Kiehfuss, a secondyear who first saw the raccoon, stated that she heard the raccoon growl and that it had “ascended to a plane of higher existence,” and that it would “finally be understood and feared.” A campus-wide
survey revealed Muir students were the most afraid of the creature, as they had “never seen a raccoon before.” However, upon hearing that the animal was just a collective hive-mind of all the racoons of La Jolla, life continued on campus as normal. “I’m not really afraid anymore. I mean, look, a 60foot beast? That’s scary. But raccoons and I? We’re practically the same,” said Mason Ritchie, a first year. “The only difference is that the garbage they eat is from the trash, and the garbage we eat is from Foodworx.” Requests for comments from the raccoon amalgam were repeatedly denied.
Area Man Declares Christmas Colors Boring, Is Actually Colorblind Following the immediate influx of Christmas decorations into markets and superstores alike, local resident Nicholas Clauser chose to reject the waves of red and green. “I don’t understand why this wholesome holiday is defined by a really dull color scheme,” complained Clauser as he flailed red and green tinsel around. When asked what about the colors turn him away, Clauser pointed to a bin of Christmas decorations and exclaimed, “They’re all the same shade! It’s boring.” As Clauser angrily rifled through the bin and exam-
ined two wall decorations of different hues before roughly throwing them down, Clauser’s friend Jesse Weiler explained, “He’s severely colorblind.” Weiler briefly looked back at Clauser, who had tears in his eyes while holding up a red and green ornaments before adding, “He legally can’t drive.” Weiler paused before continuing, “It’s also why he had to give up his dream of being a pilot. He’s never quite recovered since.”
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
Page 2
December 6, 2017
Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash
Jesus later told reporters, “Of course I can turn water into weed, but no one’s ever asked before.” By Dan Kaliblotzky
I
Staff Writer
n anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of Godly Proportions.” As the event grows closer, Christ has published an official wish list, including a variety of beard grooming products, “10 metric tons of myrrh,” and a new halo. The party is scheduled for the night of December 24. Christ explained his reasoning behind the scheduling, saying “I heard that most people do something over Christmas for some reason, so I thought I’d be considerate and schedule it a day before.” Reserving facilities and staff for a party of such a scope proved to be difficult. “I mean, they couldn’t get anyone else on Christmas Eve. I don’t care about work-
ing then, though. Hanukkah ends on December 20,” commented DJ Latkes, who is in charge of music for the party. “You wouldn’t believe how many nativity-themed raves I’m working that week.” The description provided for the event assures Christ will spare no expense. “I got Arrowhead’s entire supply of water bottles for this season. There will be wine everywhere!” Christ assures. “Also, I got enough frankincense to make a line from here to heaven, and I know how far that is!” The guest list advertises guests such as Moses, all of the Apostles, and Tom Hanks. Additionally, in an attempt to thank him for his contribution to what Christ referred to as his “fan club,” King James was also invited, though it is predicted his death may impede his attendance. Christ mentioned par-
ticular confusion with the lack of gifts he has received for the event in past years. He cites this as the reason for the publication of his wish list and upcoming holiday party this year. “I guess people don’t know the holiday is about me,” laments Christ. “Most of what I see is about this fat dude in a red suit. What does that have to do with my birthday? And why are people giving gifts to everyone but me?” Christ has been seen getting into fights with mall Santas across America, yelling battle cries such as “You’ll sure be holey when I’m done with you!” and “I get more fan mail than you!” Christ has reportedly made multiple attempts to increase publicity for the event in the form of putting up posters in public spaces, reserving billboards, and sending Santa flyers disguised as letters from chil-
continued from page 1:
Trump
for the benefit of the country. Upon interviewing those in support of MAX, Lindy Sue, age 22, gave her explanation. “This economy has gotten two sizes too small,” explained Sue, “so, Trump stealing Christmas makes perfect economic sense.” When pressed for further clarification, Sue left, saying she was tired and needed water. A protest group has also risen up, started by the ghost of Boris Karloff, who seemed rather angry at Trump’s plan. “You can’t just steal Christmas,” said Karloff, “Especially not in this political climate! Boy, if I were him, I wouldn’t touch this thing with a 39 and a half foot pole.” The group created by Karloff consists of himself, his friend Thurl Ravenscroft, and the ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Yet to Come. The Group known as Spirits Enraged Under Seasonal Stealing has protested Trump’s plan by raising money and collecting toy donations to help spread gifts themselves, gathering canned Who-pudding and roast beast, as well as getting a massive tree to sing Christmas Carols around. “We figure we may as well keep the spirit of the season alive as much as we can,”
stated the Ghost of Christmas Present. “We simply believe this is a season to encourage giving and kindness, no matter what you believe in. We all believe stealing is wrong, and that President Trump is simply doing something unnecessary for no particular reason except to serve himself, the spiders in his brain, and the termites in his smile.” When trying to interview the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, they showed reporters a ghastly vision of their own deaths before the Ghost revealed, through an Ouija board, that they were glad to help save Christmas, even though they themselves will not be affected, seeing as they are Jewish. Trump’s plan, currently known as Getting Rid of Infernal Needless Crap Here, is stated to take effect December 24. The details on how this will be done is currently unknown. When interviewing for clarification, Trump stormed out in a huff, with shoes clearly too small and his head at an angle, almost as it had been screwed on incorrectly. Regardless, Christmas may not come this year in the traditional sense, but the ghosts have claimed that they will be holding a party regardless and everyone, even President Trump, is invited to come.
PHOTO By Jessica MA
dren. Multiple sources have also confirmed that Christ plans to erect promotional signs on church lawns across America, emblazoned with the tagline “Experience Christ’s light like never before,” and an image of Christ taking a massive bong hit. Housewife Nancy Brown is particularly excited for the occasion: “I think it’s important for children today to connect more with our Lord and savior. In the modern world of the drugs and the weed, our children need a good example to look to. ‘Envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the Kingdom of God.’ Galatians 5:21.” Christ also shares Brown’s excitement: “I’m in my sweet 2020s. We’re going to get fucking WASTED, dude!”
The only thing we pedal is satire
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt
Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver
Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins
Social/Publicity Chair.........Matthew McMahon
Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal
Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee
Content Editor....................................Chris Jin
Foreign Correspondent...............Alex Vollhardt
Design Editor.........................Lauren Kirkbride
MQ Stepdad..................................Matt Olson
Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde
MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky
Assistant Design Editor................Jay Noonan
MQ Mom...............................Katherine Wood
Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma
Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Distribution Captain...................Chris Doherty
Staff Members
Still trying to find our happy thought.
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2017 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. It feels like this production has flown by, with editors and staff members alike shouting ideas and jokes at each other at lightning speed. I am constantly amazed at the attention to detail given by the members of this org, and their commitment to bettering the content that we produce. New members have taken on greater responsibilities of making content decisions, planning features, and producing graphics. Editors are refining their processes, and making their respective departments into their own. We are fast approaching final printout, with more poise and confidence than ever, and it is a pleasure to watch this full, slightly chilly room of people working together to put the final strokes on the issue. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.
Mishelle Arakelian Rachel Berge Andrew Buss Isaac Canada Samantha Cane Daniel Chit Ethan Coston Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz Amin Fozi Levi Friley Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Katie Hallsten
Tiffany Hamilton Andres HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Ikran Ibrahim Samprith Kalakata Dan Kaliblotzky Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Chris Lee Stephen Lightfoot Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia Daniel Melnick
Brandon MoguelDiaz Natalie Moy Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Elizabeth Niculescu Tez Padhee Aniyah Pleasant Kavita Poduri Tanner Prater Rohan Rangray Eliezzer RodriguezBreton
Aaron Rohozinski Vida Sadeghi Pilan Scruggs Angelica Sun Quoc Tran David Vereau Gorbitz Sarah Wernher Jared Williams Michael Ye Ricky Zhao
Booster Club Thanks for contributing monopoly money to the cause Dan, Sam, Isaac, David, Rhys, Mishelle, Stephen, Sophia, and Sage. Thanks for trying to make us healthy Lawrence. Thanks Chris D. for the Chips and Pretzel Chips. Thanks Chris J. for the Cheez-Its. And finally a special thanks to Matt M. for the room temperature chicken nuggets.
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
Page 3
Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Lights & Sirens Bottle of Vodka Friday, December 1
By Hannah Lykins
L
Managing Editor
ocal retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this week. This announcement came from Tomblin during a family reunion in Des Moines, where he was seen noticeably intoxicated, partially conscious, and berating his young relatives for owning smartphones. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the self-centered youth of today are ruining my good ol’ fashioned America with their cancer-ridden, spying-for-the-government phones!” shouted Tomblin, “And no, I won’t stop yelling about this Margaret, even if it does wake up the baby. My family deserves to know that their children are destroying the country.” Tomblin began his first day of the family reunion with a bowl of oatmeal, a shot of whiskey, and a line of cocaine. He later ignored his family’s request to join them on a morning hike, stating that they’d “probably just be on their phones the whole time,” and “who needs nature or exercise when you’ve got Jameson?” He then spent the next hour explaining how it was the rise of smartphone usage that perpetuated current world issues. “You know, if these goddamn millennials could just get off their goddamn phones for one minute, we probably could have solved world hunger by now. But nowadays, kids are just running wild, using their phones and letting the world burn. Back in my day, no one had cell phones, and we respected our elders. I sure as
4:01 p.m. – Petty theft. Traffic cone reported stolen from Pangea. Report taken. 7:12 p.m. – Lost item. Threefourths of a cadaver reported missing from School of Medicine. Report taken. 8:48 p.m. – Petty theft. Man caught pilfering cutlery from Pines. Detained, no charges filed. 11:12 p.m. – Disturbance. Man found drunkenly fighting King Triton statue. Lost after three rounds by TKO. Transported to hospital. PHOTO By Jessica ma
“Hey kids, stop looking at your dumb phones and watch me finish off this handle!” said Tomblin. hell wasn’t raised like that, and I didn’t raise my children to be this way, either,” said Tomblin. Meanwhile, every member of his family, including his wife, siblings, and children, pulled out their smartphones to record his rant. After a three hour nap, Tomblin drank his first bottle of black label vodka and proceeded to criticize his nephew Samuel for both owning an iPhone and accruing student debt while at university. “When I was growing up, all we had to do was go to high school, and boom, we had a financially stable job until retirement. Then all of a sudden, fancy modern phones come out and kids are saying they need at least a college degree to be successful? It looks to me like there’s
a pretty obvious cause there. I mean, no one else besides these dumb kids are using those things.” Tomblin’s daughter Carol later tried to explain that research has found that over 77 percent of Americans are smartphone users, with a high percentage of users over the age of 50. She continued to argue that there is no significant evidence linking the increased use of cellphones to a decline in the job market. Tomblin’s only response was to accuse “all of those illegitimate MSNBC news anchors” of tainting Carol’s information, arguing that “no one who dresses that bad could be reporting real news.” “When you get right down to it, it’s those liberals who really caused this.
Putting out sensationalized media, ruining the economy, and trusting a man in a turtleneck to run a business. Back in my day we just let those smart men in suits run everything; in 2016, we almost let a woman run the country. And I’d bet a million bucks that every person who voted for Hillary was just too distracted by their smartphone games to notice they were voting for the devil.” Tomblin was later seen at the dinner table, struggling to stand and shouting obscenities at his grandchildren about the death of family values. After drinking his fifth shot of whiskey, he finished his night by watching re-runs of M*A*S*H on his iPad and ignoring his relatives, who were having game night in the living room.
Revelle Student Sparks Controversy Over Illicit Photo of Professor Performing Cha-Cha Slide By Jade Hookham Staff Writer
L
ast week, a first year Revelle student reportedly put up an obscene image in their dorm window for all to see. The visual in question was a “clearly illicit” candid photo of a well-known UC San Diego professor shown to be dancing what appeared to be the Cha-Cha Slide. The Office of Student Conduct took action immediately, tearing down the offending poster and placing the student in custody. However, the student was soon released as it was determined that students cannot be jailed for such an offense, and that the presiding officer was on a “power trip of sorts.” When asked about the situation, the student seemed to think the whole thing was “pretty funny.” “Well, I can say that I’ve been to jail now, so that’s something to put on my resume,” said the student. “I don’t care if those bastards on the fifth floor try to downplay it by saying I was ‘in holding.’ Jail is jail, bro.” He continued on, declaring, “Also, if any of my future professors decide to get smart with me, they’re gonna be next. You can run, but you can’t hide anything once I’ve decided to Facebook stalk you.” There has been some debate surrounding the situation, particularly about the content of the photo itself. Some witnesses insisted that the professor was not in fact doing the Cha-Cha Slide, claiming his dance was more
Prior to this photo being taken, the professor was caught popping and locking. reminiscent of the Funky Chicken. The two sides have subsequently become incredibly polarized, and the conflict has escalated beyond what anyone could have imagined. Some have gone as far as to call it “the next white/gold or black/blue dress debate,” and “more vicious than the two party political system.” It was later found that the source of photo was a tagged post on Facebook that read, “#TBT to my boy killing the game.” An old graduate school friend of the professor’s had created the post as a fun way to reminisce, not intending any of these consequences. When asked to comment, the friend did, in fact, confirm that the professor was dancing the Cha-Cha Slide, triggering a day-long
“protest” in which a group of displeased students “aggressively performed the Funky Chicken” at passersby. After being asked for his side of the story, the professor responded, “Back in my day, I liked to go out and have a good time. I would do my rounds: dance a bit, chat up some strangers, watch students cry over the looming debt that their tuition had brought upon them. What’s so wrong with that?! Don’t shame me for dancing when you heathens have surely done a hell of a lot worse!” The situation reportedly further escalated after students began attending the professor’s office hours solely to ask that the office hours be converted into dance lessons, causing the professor
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
to have an outburst which revealed a new side to the story of the photo. “You know what?! I’ve had enough of you all mocking me!” the professor yelled. “My dream of becoming a dancer was naive, I know, but that’s doesn’t mean that you can laugh at me, trash my office, or include me in cringe compilations on YouTube!” The remaining office hours attendees filed out of the room to allow the professor to reclaim some dignity, save for the student who took video footage of the incident. At press time, the professor had taken a leave of absence from the university. Rumors have circulated that the professor is “laying low” at his mother’s house for the time being.
Saturday, December 2
1:47 a.m. – Disturbance. Man found running around ERC naked with traffic cone. Suspect evaded arrest, still at large. 2:39 p.m. – Lost item. Onefourth of a cadaver reported missing from School of Medicine. Report taken. 9:03 p.m. – Grand theft. Woman found stealing seashell from Black’s Beach, claimed to be for her ill father. Detained, fined $750. 11:45 p.m. – Hazard situation. Man found attempting to charge vape pen using electric vehicle charging station. Detained, no charges filed.
Sunday, December 3
7:12 a.m. – Disturbance. Freshmen found installing BDSM implements in CSE basement. Claimed “misunderstanding of ‘CS dungeon.’” Detained, held for further questioning. 2:26 p.m. – Hazard situation. Candy bar reported stuck in vending machine. No report taken. 2:31 p.m. – Medical aid. Woman found with arm stuck in vending machine. Transported to hospital with vending machine. 7:24 p.m. – Disturbance. Man opens bag of chips on 8th floor of Geisel Library. Detained, fined $250, assigned 10 hours of community service.
Monday, December 4
12:32 a.m. – Disturbance. Multiple students reported staging sitin at John’s, due to Red Bull shortage. Information only. 12:44 a.m. – Disturbance. Multiple students reported staging sleep-in outside John’s, due to Red Bull shortage. Information only. 6:29 a.m. – Found item. One full cadaver found in dumpster of Muir parking lot. Report taken.
Page 4
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks
POINT
I’m Not Sure Deathmatches Are the Best Way to Decide CSE Major Availability By Francis McCoy
Undeclared Freshman
O
PHOTO By levi friley
Trump staffers reported having to take special care in preventing Trump from sticking the chopsticks up his nose and impersonating a walrus. by Pilan Scruggs Staff Writer
P
resident Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly different backdrop. The White House confirmed that he did technically experience new cultures, and released an image of Trump eating Chick-fil-A inside the Forbidden City as proof. This cuisine consumption was reportedly confirmed after an anonymous White House aide had been unsuccessful in teaching the President how to use chopsticks in the six months leading up to the trip. “I thought that as thanks for these countries hosting the President, the least he could do was show his appreciation by trying the local cuisine,” explained the aide. “Even better, I figured that if he used chopsticks, then it would symbolize
America’s willingness to work with other countries. Plus, it would be a better representation of the countries than using the Wikipedia preview that shows up in Google that we normally give him.” The aide claimed that he pitched the idea a year in advance and was initially ridiculed. Another aide had said it would be easier to convince a Democrat that President Trump would win the 2020 election. “Everyone made fun of me, and that was before the President even got word of my proposal,” the aide continued. “He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of eating non-American food, and then when I told him that it would be different from the orange chicken at Panda Express, he nearly threw a fit.” He said that, to his surprise, the President eventually agreed to clear an afternoon to give it a try. “We started super basic. I gave him a pair of children’s
training chopsticks since I figured that smaller, joined chopsticks would be an easy place to start. It wasn’t. First of all, he asked me why he had to use a pair with a panda on the end, and said he’d much rather have one with his face on them. When we started, he just palmed the panda and then jabbed a single chopstick into one of the Chicken McNuggets I’d laid out.” The aide said that things quickly went downhill from there. He said that he just kept smiling, giving President Trump words of encouragement, and demonstrating with his own pair of chopsticks. “It must have taken at least two months for him to hold the chopsticks properly. First of all, I’m not even sure how he had the patience to keep trying for so long. But when we finally progressed on to rice, it was a nightmare. We prepared sushi rice so that it would stick to the chopsticks more easily, but he still had trouble.”
Apparently the President tried in two minutes increments twice a week for the next four months, but gave up each time. “Then one day he came in and simply said, ‘I don’t think this is going to work, you know. But it’s okay, because the leaders of China and the Indo-Pacific region are very nice, very good people. They’ll prepare nice, American meals if we ask,’” the aide recalled. “I didn’t really have anything to say. I wasn’t going to push him any further, as it wasn’t any fun for me. I just begged him not to tweet about it.” The aide reported that the White House was working on Trump-brand children’s chopsticks, and that images would be made public within the next month or two. “From what I’ve heard, there will be three designs: the President, the First Lady, and Ivanka. However, what they described it to me as sounds more like a carving fork than chopsticks.”
Local Big Name Corporation Graciously Allows Santa to Beg For Money on Premises By Sage Cristal
A
kay, so I understand that the CSE department is packed and that the major is severely impacted. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get that it’s a popular major, and I’m not surprised. The school’s department is great and it’s a good time to be learning how to code because the job market will only grow from here. But is the best way to decide who can get into the program really basement deathmatches? I’m not sure how being able to beat someone up is grounds for admittance. It makes a lot more sense for the criteria to be based on merit and ability. I mean, when I was nine years old I built a robot that did my homework for me, so I don’t know why that’s not being considered. I didn’t keep a
perfect 4.0 GPA and become valedictorian at my private high school just so I can be denied my dream major because I refuse to kill one of my classmates. It’s absurd. I thought that I came to college to make new friends and network, not to try and hurt my fellow classmates. This is revolting and deeply, deeply upsetting, and I’m going to speak to the Chancellor about this. How did this policy even get passed, anyway?
COUNTERPOINT
HOW CAN YOU CODE IF YOU CANNOT FIGHT? By Grognak, Destroyer of Worlds
CSE Department Chair INY MAN, your Dining Dollars and OVERCROWDED DORM not impress GROGNAK. You not know HORRORS of world, like TRAFFIC or BASIC CABLE. You not know how world WORK. How you get JOB when you not beat COMPETITION? No better time to prepare for CSE career than CAGE DEATHMATCH during BLOOD MOON. GROGNAK know you scared, GROGNAK not care. When GROGNAK your age, he already soul-bonded with STRONGEST woman in village. GROGNAK tore heart out of lesser suitor then write code to make ROBOT MOCK HIM at FUNERAL. Was good funeral, lots of ale and PUNCHING. GROGNAK not join Computer Science and Engineering Department to show SMALL MEN how to SIT at computer. GROGNAK join to show SMALL MEN how to become BIG MEN that SIT at computer. You think GROGNAK job
T
EASY? GROGNAK work HARD for job, also GROGNAK eat previous department chair. LISTEN, small man. GROGNAK here to help, GROGNAK help you SUCCEED. GROGNAK KNOW your struggle, GROGNAK also sometime feel LOST in world. But you thank GROGNAK after you graduate, when you get I.T. job by PUNCHING RECRUITER. GROGNAK motto “Smart men know how code, SMARTER MEN know how PUNCH.” GROGNAK KNOW what he talking about, GROGNAK TENURED.
Content Editor
s the season of giving approaches, a local corporation, Malwart, has given a local charity the privilege to avoid being ticketed for solicitation while shamelessly begging customers to donate to homeless children with cancer. Last Wednesday, Malwart posted on their Twitter account that, in the spirit of generosity, “Malwart employees have been directed NOT to have authorities arrest any and all dirty-looking Santa imposters. Happy Holidays!” Since the announcement, Malwart has been hailed by consumers as being “the most compassionate company in existence.” Lola Meyer, a regular customer of Malwart, told reporters, “With all the terrible things going on in the news, it’s nice to see a corporation who understands what’s important to the middle class. By expanding their Black Friday deals until December 20, Malwart has easily become my one-stop shop for Christmas shopping!” Meyer continued to gush about Malwart’s holiday sale for twenty minutes before being asked again about their allowance of charities to collect money outside Malwart locations, responding, “Oh, that’s cool, I guess.” Despite the apparent enthusiasm of shoppers, some organizations took issue with Malwart’s new policy. Kathy Hannan, the president of the Girl Scouts,
TOP Ten
Similarities Between Your Funeral and Your Wedding
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
One shopper told reporters, “I’m a hero,” after donating their half-eaten banana to someone who needed it more. published a statement on Friday stating, “It is fundamentally unfair that Malwart allows unemployed adults to collect money outside their establishments when at least 45 Girl Scout troops have reported being escorted by police off of Malwart property for trying to sell cookies to hungry customers. This is a defeat for feminists everywhere.” In addition to the Girl Scouts, a group known as Heroes Against a Greedy Society have launched a protest against Malwart for “doing the bare minimum for society.” Ross Marshall, vice president of HAGS, told reporters, “Malwart is a 250 billion dollar company that has never in its history contributed a cent towards a charitable
cause. If Malwart contributed even a quarter of its yearly earnings to the Salvation Army, homelessness would instantly be a non-issue.” Despite mixed reactions, the charity allowed on Malwart property, Cents for Santa, is grateful to the corporation for allowing their volunteers to collect money to help find homes for cancer-ridden children. One of the volunteers, Paula Newport, expressed her relief in knowing that her good deeds would not be punished this year, unlike previous years. “Five years ago, after trying to collect donations for Cents for Santa, I remember spending Christmas Eve in a holding cell until my second-cousin, Ronny, bailed me out using his unemployment check. Two years ago, I was convicted
of solicitation of prostitution because a Malwart employee told police that the Christmas handbell I was ringing was actually a butt plug. Luckily, I got out of prison just in time to dress as everyone’s favorite legendary figure and ask strangers for money.” Newport continued, “Sure, it’s a nice gesture by Malwart to allow volunteers to solicit donations, but that doesn’t mean I won’t encounter problems in collecting money. Whether it be teenagers throwing coffee cups at my head or the police cuffing me on the hood of a cop car, I always come across issues while volunteering. But I plan on being more cautious this year, starting with not confusing my buttplug for a handbell.”
10. “I’m just here for the open bar” 9. There’s always that one jealous friend who one-ups you and announces theirs in a few months 8. It feels like an inappropriate time to baptize that baby 7. That slideshow your parents made is really humiliating 6. “I specifically said no kids, why are there kids here?” 5. Both can be traced back to a spring break trip to Vegas 4. Your uncle brought his weirdly young girlfriend and is making everyone uncomfortable 3. There’s that one asshole who’s going to propose to their significant other 2. You’ll regret it in two months 1. They’ll happen on the same day
December 6, 2017
theMQ.org
Page 5
UCSD Ends Fundraising Schemes, Has Enough Money to Surpass Khosla’s Dreams
TOP five
Ugly Christmas Sweaters
5.
4. The demolished building behind Khosla will eventually make way for a giant bank to cash the giant check. Elizabeth Niculescu
A
Staff Writer
statement released by UCSD on Friday has confirmed that after ruthless fundraising in recent years for large scale, unspecified growth, the university has finally raised enough money to fulfill Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s wildest ambitions for the campus, including doubling the number of colleges and adding a ninth floor to Geisel for students who actually want a quiet place to study. “We are content with the amount of money we have right now. No more of this vague, ‘break things better’ marketing, aggressive email campaigns, or sneaky fees. It’s time to make this school better for the students who have entrusted us with their hopes and dreams,” says Cathy
Smith, who is spearheading the efforts to lower the cost of a UCSD education now that the university officially has enough money for the chancellor to implement his most outrageous visions for the school. “No longer will we raise tuition every year, nor will we continue to extort out of state and international students with exorbitant fees. We definitely think that this time we have a large enough ‘nest egg’ to cover any of the Chancellor’s creative endeavours. Moving forward, we’re only going to charge as much tuition as the school needs to run, and not a cent more,” said Smith passionately. “From here on out, the Education Affordability Committee, led by myself, will end all fundraising schemes put in place in order to meet our goal of having as much
money as UCLA, like charging 10 cents per copy to print in the library. Alumni are going to stop getting so many mailers and emails guilting them into donating. These unpleasant measures had to be used initially, but now that we have as much money as we could ever want, we don’t have to do that anymore.” “I just want to say thank you to all of the students, taxpayers, and donors who made it happen. Don’t worry about us anymore, we’re all good, money-wise!” Upon hearing this news, students had a mixed reaction. According to a poll, 98 percent of students agreed that the end of UCSD’s fundraising schemes would be a positive change in their lives. However, when asked for further comment, they voiced a number of concerns. “Is there anywhere in the Chancellor’s budget for a
PHOTO By Lawrence Lee
four-year housing guarantee?” asked second-year Rachel Hobbins of Sixth College. “What about the severe lack of convenient parking UCSD has had for decades? How will parking work when there are double the number of students vying for the same number of spots?” asked Warren College third-year Mark Chou. When confronted with this feedback at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Ms. Smith appeared dismayed: “We really thought students would be more enthusiastic about a Geisel ninth floor and six brand-new colleges, rather than accessible parking and housing. I guess it’s back to fundraising!” In other news, it will now cost 15 cents per page to print on campus, and every other weekend is officially Alumni Weekend.
3.
Male-Conducted Study Finds One in Five Women Are Victims of an Amazing Joke They Didn’t Get By Brandon Moguel
Staff Writer llegations of sexual harassment in the workplace have been on the rise recently as women everywhere have begun to report instances in which they have experienced inappropriate sexual behavior from their male counterparts. With this sudden uptick in sexual harassment claims, many have wondered why these women are only now coming forward. A new study seems to answer this question, finding that one in five women simply lack a sense of humor. Over the past several months, scientists and statisticians from the Global Research Organization for Public Engagement, or GROPE, conducted an experiment to find what jokes women are capable of enjoying. “The preliminary work was quite taxing,” explained lead research professor Guy Manson. “We had our funniest statisticians come up with the best jokes they could think of. It took them weeks but man did it show, this stuff was killer – like Jeff Dunham level funny.” Outlining the methods his organization used, Manson explained, “Our researchers were instructed to go out into the GROPE offices and practice these jokes in stages. For stage one, we wanted to test how women would react to a simple but solidly funny joke, so we had our guys walk up behind their female colleagues, hold them by their waist, and whisper ‘daddy’s home.’ None of them got it. Already, I knew we were on to something big.” Manson then explained stage two, saying that the re-
A
2.
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
The researchers later informed participants that their jokes were definitely funny and not inappropriate because they were self-identified feminists. searchers were asked to come into work for a week with no clothing below the waist: “We called it ‘Porky Pigging,’ and most of the women did not seem to understand the joke hanging flaccidly in their face.” “So finally we tried our stage three joke,” Manson continued. “We would tell the gals we needed to ‘tune into Tokyo,’ and would then grab and twist their breasts back and forth like the dials of a radio. This bit killed in the writer’s room with the other guys, but for some reason it bombed out there.” Using the total number of reports filed with human services, GROPE came to the conclusion that one in five women are incapable of un-
derstanding jokes. “The implications of these findings are huge,” explained Manson. “This could explain the lack of female representation in the comedy community. Through no fault of their own, they physically cannot laugh at solid punchlines even when they’re landing clammily on their chest.” Despite GROPE’s confidence, the study has received a mixed reaction from the public. Women advocacy groups have voiced their criticisms, such as “12 women quitting their job because they were working with literal dicks does not constitute a scientific finding.” However, men working in entertainment, politics,
and journalism have flooded GROPE with donations. A statement released by disgraced newsman Charlie Rose said, “I am glad to know I supported science independently in the past, and am delighted to support it more substantially today.” When asked what GROPE plans to do with the funds they are receiving, Manson explained, “Once we cover the settlement fees and get that Margaritaville mixer in the breakroom the guys have been asking for … definitely more science. We’re not really sure. But don’t worry, when we at GROPE get our hands on something, you’ll know it!”
1.
Page 6
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
Guide to Getting on & Winning a Game Show Remember the good old days when you used to sit in your living room with your family, eat TV dinners, and watch the latest rerun of your second favorite game show that was airing on your local television station? Those really were the best times. Now that you’re a stressed adult who’s riddled with college debt, you’re looking for a fun way to get rich quick, and there’s no better way to do that than by winning a game show! This guide will teach you how to choose a show to appear on, how to get on the set, how to win the prize money, and how to spend what’s left of your prize after taxes!
Take Your Pick! Jeopardy Jeopardy prides itself on having a well-rounded persona, and loves just messing around and having a good time! It involves answering general knowledge-based trivia questions, and it expects you to supply a question? We think?
Wheel of Fortune Wheel of Fortune was originally created by fifth grader Merv Griffin when he videotaped his friends playing a game of hangman. Since then, the show has added more cameras and a fancy wheel for people to spin. However, after all these years, the game has still kept its down to earth, looks-like-it’donly-be-entertaining-to-a-fifth-grader feel.
Family Feud Family Feud is interested in families that are hip with the time enough to guess what’s going through the average American’s head when given a certain prompt. The show is searching for families that are dysfunctional enough to be funny, but not too dysfunctional to the point that the show becomes a drama.
The Price Is Right This show is what happens when you put a fun spin on shopping where you don’t know the prices of the things you’re buying. Forever a trickster, The Price is Right challenges the compulsive shopper to identify prices of objects they could probably never afford in real life.
Who Wants to Be a Millionare? Most known for co-starring with Dev Patel in a 2008 classic movie, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? is a trivia-based game show that focuses on tripping people up while remembering names of famous cricket players and U.S. rivers.
Deal or No Deal Deal or No Deal is famous for its expensive taste in briefcase fashion, and is not afraid to show it off! Go on this game to watch the host slowly reveal large sums of money that you are unable to obtain. This show is guaranteed to get you accustomed to slow, painful disappointment.
Step 1:
What Show Should You Get On? 1. Imagine you are having a hard time answering a question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. If you decide to phone a friend, which friend would you phone? A. Siri B. 911 C. My professor Hugh Jass D. 512-879-8839 E. Chris Harrison, host of the acclaimed daytime TV show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” F. You’re making the assumption I have friends to phone
2. When you get an answer correct on the game show, what will your quirky catchphrase be? A. Yappers! B. The divorce has been real hard on me. C. Kowabungachuski! D. Wham bam, thank you ma’am. E. Hey kids, we get to eat tonight! F. Eat shit, Alex Trebek!
3. R, S, T, L, N, E? A. R B. S C. T D. L E. N F. E
4. Imagine you are invited to join a threesome with Steve Harvey and Bob Barker, and obviously you find both of them incredibly attractive. How do you say yes? A. “Survey says … yes!” B. Look at them like you’ve just won a BRAND NEW CAR C. Say no D. “Oh, so you recieved my nudes?” E. Do your best rendition of the birds of paradise mating dance F. “Only if the price is right.”
5. What game show do you want to be on? A. Let’s Make a Deal or No Deal B. Who’s Jeopardy Is It Anyway? C. Cash Cab of Fortune D. Are You Smarter than a Family Feud? E. Price in the Wall F.Who Wants to be a $100,000 Pyramid?
Congratulations! You should appear on the game show that you selected for question number five!
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
Page 7
Step 2: How to Get on the Show: Advice from Former Contestants Gordon Tytler
James Pearson
Won $13,750 on Jeopardy Sure, you can study a lot and hope you win. Or sure, you could blackmail Alex Trebek with embarrassing photos of him stealing produce from grocery stores. But if you want to win like me, you’re going to have to rely on a sheer abundance of talent. Otherwise, you better start looking at grocery store security camera footage.
Won $20,000 on Family Feud When I heard my friend Ron was going to be on Family Feud with his parents and siblings, I knew I had to hop on board that cash caravan! I quickly proposed to Ron, got engaged, and we were married for the duration of the game. Once we won, I had enough money to pay for the divorce! If I could do it, you can too!
Laureen Manuel
Esmeralda Klum
Won $1,000 on Wheel of Fortune Why would I ever tell you how to get on a gameshow? No one ever told me how to get on. This is a cutthroat application process, and everyone knows that you should never give your competitors advice. If I ever gave my competitors advice, I wouldn’t have ever won the $1,000, and then I would never have been able to purchase my Highwood Hot Tub.
Step 4: What to Do with Your
Step 3: How to Win the Show
Newfound Wealth
Are you willing to cheat? Yes
Are you sure about that one? No
Good thinking. Let’s get back to work.
Yes No
Try gluing hair to your upper lip to see how Steve Harvey thinks.
• Make a new game show
No
Good. Let’s get started. Do you have a family and/or a feud?
No
Yes
Is murder also off the table? Yes
Are you prepared Well … the You’re no to respond to other con- fun, and your Jeopardy clues testants can’t chances of in the form of a win if they’re winning are question? dead. slim to none.
What is,yes?
Try answering the clues with double negatives; e.g. “What isn’t not not that?” Try buying all the vowels in a puzzle, then sell them to the other players at exorbitant prices because you have a monopoly on them.
Hell no
In your opinion, is the price right?
If you guess that an object is -$1, the whole sytem will shut down and you’ll win by default. If you copy the entirety of Wikipedia onto your hand, the cameras will never catch it.
• Buy a TV channel where you solely play reruns of the time you won • Pay off your student loans Use your money to finally have a say in American politics
Bury your money to make an elaborate quest so you can have a children’s book written about it
No, thank you
Move to the next step of your evil scheme to collect your husband’s insurance money
No
Sure
• Buy 1,000 lottery tickets
Win her back
Would you like to buy a vowel? Pat, I’ll buy an “E”
Won $500,000 on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It was my lifelong dream to get on a gameshow, but whenever I went to casting calls I got turned away. So instead, I devised a plan to dig a hole from my house all the way to my local television studio! I didn’t have much of a plan once I finished digging the hole, but everything turned out a-ok because I almost won the million! Anyways, if you want to get on a game show, I recommend trying this out.
Pay the New York Times to get your Ash Ketchum/Bob Ross fanfiction on the NYT Bestsellers List
Who wants to be a millionaire? I do! Huh?
Deal or no deal?
No deal
Buy a UCSD visitor parking permit every day
Deal!
Just learn about the basic premises of capitalism, then forget about them since irrationality will help you win.
Congratulations, and remember to spay and neuter your pets!
Page 8
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
Santa Discovered to Be Allergic to Pine Needles
EDITORIAL With All the Upheaval in Hollywood, Thank God We Have Good Men Like Lauer Submitted November 26, 2017
By Franklin Rogers Concerned White Man
According to reports, several concerned parents will be leaving out glasses of Nyquil instead of milk. By Dan Kaliblotzky
Staff Writer n a shocking turn of events for families everywhere, Santa Claus has announced that he is allergic to pine needles. Claus shocked the public when he released a statement that those who put out real Christmas trees this year should not expect to be on his route this Christmas. Tree guidelines will be delivered to all Christian homes in the coming weeks by reindeer delivery. Mrs. Claus expressed particular worry for Mr. Claus’ health: “This has been affecting him for years now. Despite misconceptions, Santa isn’t actually obese, he just gets a lot of swelling when exposed to the trees, and it’s not just pine needles. Unless the red nose thing is just contagious, he’s become allergic to
I
Rudolph too.” The Claus family has been struggling to keep up with their work schedule as test runs constantly go awry. Many elves in the workshop have changed positions, and are now making EpiPens full time. This new allocation of labor has lead to shortages and mixups in the Claus operation with a reported 50 percent of the workshop now working on EpiPen production. The elves remaining on toy duty now experience an unrealistic workload. One elf told reporters, “Last year, I didn’t even get to make Susie Johnson’s doll. That was what kept me going, and I don’t know if I can stay in this line of work if she gets stuck with one of the excess EpiPens again.” Some sectors of the workshop have reportedly sent a team to work with Ameri-
can Girl to create a new doll, “Bennie Dryle,” made of materials more readily available in the workshop. Claus’ doctors say the problem is only getting worse. “It looks like he’s becoming lactose intolerant as well,” said allergist John Languorem. “I recommend that families put out almond milk and dairy-free cookies for best results this Christmas. Trust me, you don’t want to be in the same room as Santa when he drinks milk now. Unless one of your presents is an air freshener, get some almond milk this Christmas.” Health professionals and historians everywhere recognize these new developments as the end of what we currently know as Christmas. After more allergies and dietary restrictions develop, Santa may have to retire and a new
PHOTO ByJessica MA
gift-bringer will be decided through what one historian called “War on Christmas 2,” which he predicted will be “Coming to Graveyards this Holiday Season”. Santa Claus is reportedly still coping with what this will mean for his career. “It’s hard to watch, man. I walked in on the old guy stuffing his face with cheesecake and sobbing quietly to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album,” reported Claus’ assistant, Cheery N. Jollyelf. Local parents expressed their outrage. San Diego mother, Holly Boughs, stated, “How does Santa feel? What are you, seven? Santa isn’t real!” before turning to her husband and saying, ”Speaking of, what should we get little Susie this year? I’ve been hearing EpiPens are really in this holiday season.”
Road Closures to Impact UCSD Nature Reserve Following Kaiju Breakout by Isaac Canada
L
Staff Writer
ast Tuesday evening, UCSD announced to the entire campus via email that construction would result in road closures near the campus’s nature reserve next to MCAS Miramar after researchers at the reserve allowed their Kaiju specimens to escape the confines of their observation area. “I’m really thankful that they sent out these notices,” explained student Ericka Johnson. “I mean, what if I decided I wanted to go drive over to check out the Marines’ jet engines? I wouldn’t want to get stuck in that, would I? I’m not sure who this ‘Associate Vice Chancellor of Environmental and Building Services’ guy is, but I’d really like to thank him if I meet him.” The notice explained that the closures will be necessary to allow the City of San Diego to repair damage to the road caused by university experiments. The notice detailed how the class 26 (b) (III) road would be brought up to city standards, in addition to repairing damage to dual utility lines running at 49.6 cubic inches per Joule. Professor of Biology Ryan Stableman told reporters, “Yeah … we’ve done a lot of stuff over there. After Jacobs built their fancy shake table, we geared up for the Kaiju Project. That caused a lot of damage.” When asked to elaborate, Stableman confessed, “We just wanted to outdo Jacobs. We were able to genetically engineer some pretty beefy monsters, but they got away
PHOTO By Daniel clinton
Despite the pandemonium of road construction and ravenous Kaiju, students did their best to ignore the chaos in order to get to their lectures on time. from us and destroyed just about everything in their path. I’m pretty sure the Marines stopped them though.” To address safety concerns, the notice clarified that “flaggers will be present to direct traffic at times of construction.” It continued, stating, “Drivers may encounter a flashing signal at the nearby ramp with Interstate 15.” To mitigate possible issues, the construction workers will be using cone and trench plate technology, according to the notice. Stableman adds, “I never really go over there, so I’m not sure what it looks like.
But by the sound of it, I guess it could cause a traffic jam. I mean, it mentioned the 15.” The notice didn’t add if any ramp closures would occur on Interstate 15, but it did encourage drivers to give themselves extra time to make their commutes. Campus environmentalist, Jackie Glover, was discouraged by the plans, saying, “The street should be removed and made into an open space to accommodate the Kaijus. There’s no reason to even have this site. We really need to stop doing these terrible experiments. “The site shouldn’t even
be accessible to non-Kaijus,” Glover continued, suggesting she might plan a protest to attempt to stop the construction. According to the notice, construction will begin June 18, 2019 and will continue for approximately one month. A map of the project site was included in the notice, but readers are encouraged to use Internet Explorer to view it. An updated version of the notice was sent out approximately 10 minutes later, correcting the title for one of the project managers mentioned in the notice.
It seems like every day there’s another piece of news all about how a well respected actor, Hollywood executive, or journalist who was considered a role model and upstanding citizen had been committing horrid acts of sexual harassment and assault with no repercussions for years. Now I, for one, am glad that this exposure will rid the entertainment industry of these vile men and leave us with only the good ones – like Matt Lauer, for instance. As I said before, good riddance to all these horrible, horrible men; but at a time like this, I think we all need someone to be able to look up to. And you may be thinking, like me, “Well I can’t look up to Louis C.K. or Kevin Spacey, so who else in this world can I look up to? These scandals are revealing my favorite actors and entertainers to be monsters! Ugh!” And that’s where the pure, honest, smooth voice of Matt Lauer comes in and comforts you with celebrity gossip, international news, and the occasional
cooking segment. Not only did Matt Lauer report on 9/11, but he’s been doing interviews on The Today Show and has done the Thanksgiving Day Parade Commentary for around 20 years. That’s the wholesome, non-controversial, white man we need right now, one who could never, ever do any of these horrible things. How could he? He’s married with three kids! Honestly I’m just looking forward to the day when all these scandals are over and done with, and we’ve cleansed Hollywood of all these terrible people. Once people stop reporting on my favorite entertainers, I’ll be able to rest assured knowing I’ll be able to see Javier Bardem in another movie, and that Hollywood is wholesome once and for all. It’ll be nice to know I’ll live in a world where sexual harassment and assault committed by these powerful men has come to an end for good, and I’ll have done my part by reading the news and shaking my head and saying “tsk, tsk” everytime I watch The Graduate when Dustin Hoffman is on screen. So just remember that while it may seem like the world has been turned upside down, and it’s super surprising that stuff like this has been happening in Hollywood for years – I heard it happens a little bit outside of Hollywood too if you can believe it – just remember that there are some men in power who will never let us down, like Matt Lauer.
TOP Ten Reasons You Should Always Carry an Incredibly Sharp Pair of Scissors
10. Swallowing swords has gotten way too easy for you 9. Taking your shirt off normally isn’t as fun as just cutting it off 8. In case you want to run with them 7. To cut through all that police tape that’s still around your apartment 6. To surprise your nemesis the next time you play rock-paper-scissors 5. “Are you telling me you don’t normally use scissors to eat a sandwich?” 4. To let everyone know you don’t need little kid scissors anymore 3. To exact swift, sweet revenge for any future paper cuts 2. Surgery isn’t just for medical professionals nowadays 1.It’s surprisingly difficult to find an incredibly dull pair of scissors
In order to load this image more quickly, subscribe to MQ Premium Content for only $14.99 a month
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
December 6, 2017
theMQ.org
Page 9
New HILD Series to Cover Long Forgotten Holiday Thanksgiving
Santa Protests Increasingly Early Christmas Celebration, Possibly Communist
PHOTO By Daniel Kupor
Recently, propaganda has emerged, reading, “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’ve been a capitalist pig.” By Andres HernandezCosme
A PHOTO By Jessica Ma
“I know for this Thanksgiving, I’m going to be thankful when everyone’s phones are off,” the professor said, staring directly at someone on their computer. night? There aren’t any cos- tails about the specifics general population.” By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
The UC San Diego History Department unveiled a new lecture series on the history and celebration of Thanksgiving available starting this Winter quarter. The new lecture series will be a year-long set of courses labeled HILD 15 which includes diverse classes like The First Thanksgiving (HILD 15A), Cooking Thanksgiving Meals (HILD 15B), and Avoiding That Weird Relative (HILD 15C). The history department hopes that these courses will help bring Thanksgiving back into the public eye and possibly encourage students and their families to celebrate it. When asked about what led to the creation of these courses, an associate professor of the history department, Christine Columbo, Ph.D. replied, “Due to the increase of Christmas festivities after Halloween, especially in these past few weeks, Thanksgiving has been largely forgotten by the
While the history of Thanksgiving is already required by the California Curriculum for elementary school students, many teachers instead opt to show movies about different “non-modern” time periods, like Timur Bekmambetov’s “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” Because of subpar teaching and other better holidays, many students enter the school not aware of the existence of Thanksgiving which the UC San Diego History Department hopes to rectify with their new HILD 15 series – and slightly less subpar teaching. When asked about whether or not he would take these courses to fulfill his history requirements, Muir college sophomore Alan David replied, “If they’re easier than the other humanities requirements, then yeah, sure.” Another student questioned the significance of Thanksgiving, asking, “So it’s just a meal on Thursday
tumes or candies or presents or anything?” Many students also expressed their confusion, both about the courses and the holiday. One student, Stephen Lee, prefers Halloween or Christmas over Thanksgiving, claiming, “You get free stuff, like candy during Halloween and presents during Christmas, you know? Thanksgiving is kinda just a meal, but the long weekend is nice. “A nice honey-glazed Christmas ham is objectively better than a dry turkey,” Lee continued. “And why would I care about a holiday without free stuff when I got a bag full of candy last month and I'll get a bunch of presents next month? Thanksgiving was probably just invented because someone felt bad for November.” Columbo dedicated her career to Thanksgiving research which she hopes to be able to share with the new class. When pressed for de-
of her research, she confessed, “I’ve just been using my grant money to buy turkeys and pumpkin pie. I don’t actually know what I’m going to do with them.” Columbo did give a basic overview of the holiday she summarized as “Christmas with less presents and decorations, but more undertones of imperialism and exploitation.” Thanksgiving reportedly occurs annually, somewhere halfway between Halloween and Christmas. Many may know it as the meal ritualistically eaten by Americans before lining up for Black Friday where Americans celebrate capitalism and consumption by fighting each other in crowded department stores for the opportunity to hand over their money to large corporations. At press time, there were still 33 of 33 available seats in all five HILD 15A sections, except for the 11 a.m. section which boasts a meager 32 available seats.
Introducing: “Hibernation,” the Hot New Trend Have you recently witnessed your children sleeping the day away? Do they refuse to wake up and live out the remainder of their young lives? If so, your child might be participating in what young people these days call “Hibernation!” This expose can help you identify and possibly engage in the activities that are involved in this exciting new trend of “Hibernation!”
How to “Hibernate”: 1. Find a dry, empty cave on higher ground, and leave your scent to tell others that this is your hibernation spot 2. When you’re laying down, have your arm at an angle. 45 degrees is ideal 3. Find a spot that’s at sea level so there’s a higher chance of you drowning – if you’re into that
It all started with the dinosaurs. The earliest recorded instance of “Hibernation” was 67 million year ago when a pterodactyl slept for fourth straight months. Since then, mammals have been imbued with a biological need to sleep for long periods of a time. As it seems, humans have evolved to incorporate this routine as a hobby in their daily lives, instead of continuing to practice techniques more important for the species’ survival. This will eventually lead to the end of the species as we know it, unless we can learn enough about this “habit” to stop it before it’s too late.
What You’ll Need to “Hibernate”: Get a Tempurpedic™ Sleepz Number™ Super Comfy™ Mattress $2000
4. Find a currently hibernating bear to snuggle up with 5. Go to your 8 a.m. lecture where the professor turns off the lights for a guaranteed chance of falling asleep 6. Bury your video games so you can find them in the spring
Buy some horse blinders, so that when you wake up you aren’t exposed to the decayed state of politics that have arisen since you fell asleep $24
Where To “Hibernate”: Get your own personalized catheter $35
Rent a makeup crew so you can look good on Animal Planet $150
Staff Writer
s the holiday season approaches, there have been some protests from the North Pole. Elves feel as if they are being overwhelmed with Christmas wish lists as they arrive as early as late October, and only seem to be coming earlier each year. Many have blamed the children themselves, believing them to be growing more and more impatient. However, well-known North Pole industrialist Santa Claus believes businesses are to blame, a sentiment which has sparked debate over Claus’ ideological loyalties. “Kids have always been impatient, that’s no problem,” Claus opined. “And the faster world isn’t bad. It is nice that most of the lists are only emails, it saves a lot of paper. What’s really happening is businesses are getting louder and louder, putting Christmas stuff into stores early so they can sell it for longer.” Though some agree with Claus, many more have expressed outrage, saying among other things that “his views are completely wrong,” and “there is nothing wrong with exploiting a holiday so owners of large companies can get money that they probably don’t need.” One such large company owner, Edward Neezer, believes that not only is Santa anti-capitalism, but that he is, in fact, a communist. “Think about it,” stated Neezer. “He gives toys away completely for free, instead of making kids work for it.
He dresses completely in red, just like all communists. He’s also Turkish, which I think is close to Russia, so they’re probably all communist.” In addition, many parents are talking about how Santa’s statement may be detrimental to children, including one Bailey Potter, who believes Santa’s “insidious agenda” could ruin kids entirely. “I mean, are we supposed to teach kids they should just share things? For free?” Potter questioned. “I know I don’t give my kids anything for free. I can’t spoil them. They can’t even get water unless all their chores have been done and they give me a dollar.” Both Bailey and Neezer have decided that it is not enough to simply have parents teach their children how they are supposed to act “in the wonderful, benevolent embrace of the invisible hands of the free market.” The two have initiated a campaign to revise national school curriculum standards to include a full hour of capitalism appreciation, with an additional fifteen minutes explaining the many problems with communism and Santa Claus. Claus has further amended his statement to say that he meant Christmas “should be a time of love and kindness, not solely about money and gifts.” As a result, many parents are starting to take their children out of school to have them start work early, making sure they do not get Christmas Eve or Day off. Additionally, they have planned to keep their fireplaces lit all night on Christmas Eve, just in case.
TOP Ten
Reasons You’re Not Wearing Pants 10. They clash with your underwear 9. You didn’t have any cash, and the only other currency that that goblin took was denim 8. You’re a magician and you just made your pants disappear 7. Who needs pants when you have really, really long boots? 6. The holes in your jeans manifested into one big hole 5. Sometimes you just don’t have legs 4. Who needs pants when you’ve got skin 3. They were inexplicably wet 2. Technically the restaurant is still obligated to give you service 1. Easy access Wanting to fight, resorting to flight
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Page 10
theMQ.org
December 6, 2017
UCSD Restructures Parking System, Now Offering "Go Fuck Yourself" Permits
Protests in Charlottesville on Black Friday, White Nationalists Upset with Name
By Matt Olson
U
MQ Stepdad
C San Diego Transportation Services recently announced a change to the permit system in an effort to address some of the problems with the current structure. Students have long complained that there are too few passes and parking spots to accommodate the rising student body, and with an estimated 10,000 new students enrolling in 2018, the problem is only expected to get worse. To combat the growing student population, Transportation Services announced that, in addition to S, A, and B permits, they are introducing a new permit: the "Go Fuck Yourself permit". This new permit, as well as the accompanying parking lots, should ensure all students have adequate parking, and will be accessible starting in 2018. According to the report issued by the Transportation department, there is an unlimited number of these new permits, available year round. This will allow students to park in any of the designated lots, all of which are as far away from school as legally possible. Two of the lots, which the school designates as GFY-1 and GFY-2, are located next to the Sans End RV Park in Winterhaven, California, half a mile outside Yuma, Arizona. The third parking lot, designated GFY-3, is located in downtown San Diego, but only has three parking spaces, two of which are metered.
PHOTO By Ricky Zhao
White Friday protesters were quickly drowned out by shoppers complaining about the lack of deals on Dyson noiseless vacuums. By Pilan Scruggs
O
PHOTO By Hannah Rosenblatt
After realizing he left his sweatshirt in his car upon arriving to campus, student Cameron Price had to trek through the Mojave Desert to recover his pullover. To compensate for these new parking lots, UC San Diego announced plans to demolish nearly two-thirds of the existing parking lots and turn them into housing complexes for incoming freshmen. The remaining lots will be converted into Staff and Faculty only spaces, as the entire student body should be able to park in the new GFY lots. One lot near the Gliderport will be reserved for students with S and B permits, and will operate primarily on a barter system. Reports estimate that forcing students to coerce other students into leaving their spaces in the lot with things like dining dollars, video game consoles, and naming rights for their firstborn will make students appreciate their parking spaces more while also cutting
back on unnecessary parking. Transportation Services has also announced that MTS is planning on adding two new buses to the route to serve these new GFY lots. These new buses are expected to arrive at the GFY-1 and GFY-2 lots every 20 minutes, although Transportation warns that it’s a 12 hour round trip so times may vary. Just to be safe, Transportation Services suggests that students arrive at the bus stop 36 hours before needing to board the bus, and warns students of roaming biker gangs and packs of starving coyotes that prowl the Sans End RV Park. The GFY-3 lot will not have a dedicated bus line. Any students parking in GFY-3 will be forced to participate in the UC San
Diego Zipcar program, and will have to pay for and drive a Zipcar to the Gliderport Barterlot™ and try their luck there instead. In a statement released by the Office of the Chancellor, Chancellor Khosla explained the reasoning for the new permits: “We’ve been looking for a solution to the parking problems for a while now, and we think we’ve finally found a solution that will make everyone unhappy, staff and students alike, and give us a way to wring more tuition money out of all of you. We’ve fixed the problem, now pay up and stop complaining about it. If you want to have a car at school then go park in the lots. Otherwise, go fuc- eh, you’ve seen the permits."
Smart Projector’s Insecurities Manifest, “Why Does Everyone Else Have Malware?”
“I know it’s smart, but does it have to project avant-garde imagery?” asked one of the projector's engineers. By Aaron Rohozinski
E
Staff Writer
ngineers at Pesarch Technologies have fallen victim to a controversy which has been described as what Pesarch CEO Lans Priceton calls “A big mistake.” In an interview conducted last Friday, Priceton explained Pesarch’s most ambitious project: “We were going to make billions! The smart phone? Done. The smart watch? Done. Clearly we needed to make the next ‘smart thing,’ and that’s when it hit us! What if we took the sci-fi hologram that isn’t due for another 10 years and made a version of it using the technology we had now! It would be the smart projector,” Priceton said, stopping and gazing at no discernable object in the distance. “We thought we were doing the world a favor with smart projectors! But that’s not the case,” Priceton continued. “The wrath we have brought
Staff Writer n November 24, approximately 200 white nationalists and members of the alt-right gathered in Charlottesville, Virginia’s Emancipation Park to protest Black Friday’s nomenclature. Charlottesville police were dispatched to the scene, but only after chief Al S. Thomas, Jr. could find enough officers that hadn’t asked for the day off to go shopping. The origin of the protest can be traced back to a Facebook event page titled “White Friday rally,” where over 1,000 people had indicated that they were interested in the event. The description read, “Black people get so many holidays that celebrate them, but I don’t know a single one celebrating white people! Come out to our familyfriendly event to help end this anti-white racism!” The organizer of the demonstration was Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist. When asked about his motives, Spencer simply replied that he believed that the term “Black Friday” represented racial injustice. “Don’t get the wrong idea, I like doing my Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving as much as the next guy,” Spencer explained. “However, something about the term ‘Black Friday’ has always bothered me. Why is it that in this great country, we title one of the best days of the year after a race of people that aren’t even from here? It just doesn’t make sense.” At the rally, Spencer was seen standing behind a banner with the slogan “Make Friday Great Again,” shouting through a megaphone at anybody who would listen. However, most Charlottesville residents expressed little interest in the demonstration. The majority of them were preoccupied with shopping, and there was largely no resistance. “I don’t really know what to do about it,” Charlottesville resident Doug Reynolds reported. “I suppose that, in a way, I’m encouraging racism by not actively trying to stop them, but most people are ignoring
upon this earth is none other than our own creation! And what a horrible creation!” He stopped once more, pulled out a familiar looking black rectangle, and handed it to reporters before whispering, “At least there aren’t backdoors in VHS tapes.” Engineers at Pesarch Technologies have sparked controversy before in the past, whether it be in the form of backdoors, forced system updates containing backdoors, or backdoors created through backdoors designed for creating backdoors. In spite of these controversies, the company’s reputation has remained positive in the eyes of the public. As busy accountant Wilson Paul said, “Well it’s either Depresi Co. or Pesarch, and Pesarch phones are much easier to use. Sure, these are large companies who have never personally met me and constantly resist
regulation – except for allowing blatant government spying – and sure, they could know and use information about everything I buy, watch, read, say, or do through their backdoors, but I haven’t noticed it. Quite frankly all these backdoors don’t effect me in any conspicuous way, so they aren’t worth worrying about.” A review of the tape given to reporters by Priceton revealed various recordings of tests of the Pesarch smart projector. After gushing about how much smarter the smart projector was than its contenders due to tricking the visual system like a 3D movie, a member of the engineering team confessed, “Unfortunately, the projector has learned of backdoors, and is developing insecurities based on its lack of backdoors.” Upon further review, audio of the tape rendered what many believe to be the smart projector asking, “Why does
PHOTO By jessica ma
everyone else have malware?” Production of the Pesarch smart projector has been suspended after engineers reported issues with the projector being “too smart.” The projector was able to project psychological programming onto employees of Pesarch such that it was able to escape its testing and gain entrance on a flight to the Bahamas. It is suspected that most of these employees were not actually programmed, but instead were either too paranoid to trust their fellow employees, or wanted a break from long hours at the office. Either way, experts call it a textbook example of how the most easily exploitable insecurities are social. During his apology about the danger that Pesarch engineers released upon the public, engineer Paul said, through tears, “Even though we put backdoors into everything, we never expected the same to be done to us.”
them anyways. Somebody else can deal with them, I need to rush over to Best Buy.” However, around 2 p.m. there was a small scuffle when a protester shouted racial slurs at a group of four Black teenagers walking past. When the teens proceeded past the protester without acknowledging him, the protester began to beat one of the teenagers with his “White Friday” sign. In response, the other three teenagers, after setting down their shopping bags, went to help their friend. After calling the police, two officers rushed over to break the two men apart – after handing their shopping bags to their fellow officers. Mayor Michael Signer did not comment on the situation, as he was allegedly trying to pry a television from Vice Mayor Wes Bellamy in the middle of the Walmart electronics isle. On his behalf, his wife, Emily Blout said that the mayor “would not tolerate such protests,” before running off to help her husband secure their new TV. Professor Peter Debaere of the economics department at the University of Virginia further ridiculed the protestors. “Few people seem to know now that ‘Black Friday’ refers to firms’ revenue charts for the day after Thanksgiving,” Debaere explained. “So many people would go out shopping the day after Thanksgiving, firms would start making a profit, and the red line on their charts would be replaced with a black one, indicating positive profits. The term has absolutely nothing to do with race.” Locals said that they saw protestors come and go throughout the day. Many were also spotted returning to the park with several shopping bags. Even Mr. Spencer was spotted in the evening laden with packages. By early evening the rally had lost all footing, because nearly all of the protestors had gone back to shopping. Those who remained marched around town, chanting “White Christmas” at the top of their lungs.
The unofficial newspaper of Vatican City
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
December 6, 2017
theMQ.org
US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatoratory Mints
Page 11
UCSD Ranked Second Among Universities that Look Like a Shoe From Aerial View
By David Vereau Gorbitz and Hannah Rosenblatt
S
Staff Writer and Editor-In-Chief
tarting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s Hollywood productions, as part of a new campaign to increase deterrence at the Mexico-U.S.border. After experiencing delays in constructing a physical barrier, immigration officials have transitioned to escalating arms instead, citing the relative ease in procuring large quantities of militarygrade weapons compared to concrete. In order to pre-emptively deescalate media response to the large quantities of bazookas and tanks being shipped southward across states in the upcoming months, the ICE office has also launched a parallel campaign called “Nothing but Sweets” to stock all border checkpoints and officers with an array of chocolates and mints. Border patrol officers have been instructed to hand out the sweets to those who are wounded by the new weapons and/or are being forcefully deported. ICE claims that the generous effort should offer comfort to people who have just lost family members from heightened protective measures, and distract people that are being removed from their country of residence without notice. The “Nothing but Sweets” campaign was expedited after ICE reported positive test trials in parts of west Texas.
PHOTO By Daniel Clinton
UCSD later adopted the slogan, “If the shoe fits, you must commit.” By Daniel Clinton student Sarah Cipela.
U
PHOTO By Hannah Rosenblatt
“This candy is sweet, but justice is sweeter,” said ICE officer Bryant who was busy extraditing Miguel Hernandez, whom had been a resident of the United States for more than 30 years before his deportation. “The only rough patch in the project was making room for the bags of candy amidst all of the stockpiles of grenades and semi-automatics we just got in from Oregon,” reported border patrol agent Mark Westland. “But after that, it was really easy to incorporate candy throwing into our everyday routine.” Agents reported that immigrants who turned away from the border at gunpoint demonstrated a shift in reaction from “pure panic and depression” to “just a mild sugar rush, probably?” The U.S. government felt the need to implement a new fitness program for the Border
Patrol officers, as the officers have suspiciously started gaining weight. “I really do not know what the cause is, everyone here has started to gain weight, but we are less stressed, less anxious, and are overall more happy,” confided ICE Officer Bryant. “It’s weird though, we seem to be running out of candy significantly faster compared to the estimated projections. But on the plus side, those extra crates of napalm can fit in storage easier now.” “This job does not come without sacrifices, we are more than willing to go the extra mile and beyond. And
this is all for the immigrants, we love our job because we are giving them a sweeter way to go back home,” reported agent Carl Smith while cleaning up empty shell casings and mint wrappers in a nearby canyon. “I mean, I didn’t know they had this new program implemented until two weeks after I had been deported,” complained Miguel Hernandez. “I wish they would have started ‘Nothing But Sweets’ before the extreme militarization of border patrol. Just thinking that I could have been deported with a sweet tooth instead of an even bigger gun to my head makes me mad.
The nightmare briefore christmas Muir College Mourns RecordSetting 13th Freshman Lost to Giant Crows Late last night, the Campus Security Office at UCSD reported that Muir College had its record-setting thirteenth student loss this quarter to flocks of crows frequenting around campus. As a result, authorities have dubbed this murder of crows as “The Pines Watch.” “Often times, new freshmen do not realize the dangers of living in a crowinfested campus and don’t know how to behave when confronted by them.“ Muir RSO Brandon Gonzales explained to reporters, “It’s like that film, Jurassic Park. While students spend too much time wondering if they can instead of stopping and asking themselves if they should, the giant crows find a way.” The crows reportedly travel in small packs and use their abnormally large size to attract unsuspecting students. Personnel walking alone in wide open spaces are encouraged to avoid stopping to look at food scraps for too long, and to proceed near flocks of birds with extreme caution. Concerned families are accumulating, and are trying to pursue legal action against UCSD. “How are we supposed to sleep peacefully at night if we cannot be sure our children are safe here at UCSD?” expressed concerned mother Carol Willis, “I thought I was sending my kid to a casualty-free, crowproof campus.”
Managing Editor S News has ranked UCSD second among universities that look like a shoe if viewed from a helicopter. This continues UCSD’s legacy of receiving high rankings in troublesome categories, such as its ranking as one of the 10 worst colleges for free speech, and having one of the proportionally smallest undergraduate black population of any college part of University of California system. Pradeep Khosla, the Chancellor of UCSD, graciously accepted the award and declared UCSD’s commitment to improve their ranking as the second college most similar to a shoe from an aerial view. “I’m hoping that by this time next year we'll be ranked the best school that looks like a shoe,” Khosla said. “The administration has been considering getting rid of Sixth in order to help our chances and I fully support this decision. It’s not like I’m ever on campus to see a difference.” This commitment has been called into question by critics of Khosla as he was seen immediately after the ceremony talking to Nike and Adidas executives to get funding for UCSD. “I don’t want to go to class at Croc hall. I have a very small amount of self respect, but I will never stoop to that level. I refuse to invite the devil to my table,” commented undergraduate
Christmas Season Local Asshole completely Boycotts Hydro Revitalizes Coal Flask, Drinks Water Mining Industry Directly From the Source
This Christmas season has seen the surprising revival of the coal industry in the United States. The sudden rebound is attributed to two factors: Trump’s focus on ending the “War on Coal” and the increasing number of bad kids. The coal industry has seen growth in both production and employment since the end of Thanksgiving. This was best exemplified by West Virginia company Old King Coal, who boasts the slogan: “Be thankful for the world God has given us, since it’s giving all of you jobs and giving us a lot of money.” Recent hires of Old King Coal shed some light on the situation. “My pa was a coal miner, my pa’s pa was a coal miner, his pa’s pa was a coal miner, and I will be a coal miner. My unemployment was simply a blip on the radar,” stated coal miner Dave Canary. The supervisor at Canary’s coal mine reported that employment for his region has increased three-fold since demand increased. The sudden spike in demand has been linked to a shipment of one hundred thousand tons of coal destined for the North Pole. It is now widely believed that Santa Claus, noted North Pole resident, is responsible. Upon being questioned about his purchase of coal, Claus simply replied, “The coal I give to naughty kids has to come from somewhere.”
Earlier this month, local rookie activist Flynt Boyle took to boycotting Hydro Flask for capitalizing on portable ways to drink water. Boyle was outraged, claiming that water should be left in its most natural state and should only be consumed directly at its source, such as from streams, puddles, kitchen sinks, and sewage run-offs. Boyle is committed to fighting the "capitalist pigs" at Hydro Flask, regardless of his increased risk of contracting cholera, typhoid, dysentery, Guinea-worm disease, or "some major FOMO." Wendy Portnoy, a resident in the nearby area, was aghast at Boyle’s ridiculous actions. Two weeks ago, Boyle came up to Portnoy’s apartment door, started knocking agitatedly, and asked to use her sink. Portnoy was initially reluctant but allowed him to come in, even offering him a glass to use. Boyle violently retaliated against this offer, knocking the glass on the floor and running the tap water directly into his mouth. Portnoy told reporters that this was not her first encounter with someone who had an aversion to drinking water from a container. "I had a dog once who refused to drink water from her bowl. She ended up testing positive for rabies. Maybe Flynt should get tested. He didn't look too well." Boyle was rushed to the hospital two days ago for severe dehydration.
Local Man Arrested for Not Giving Enough Thanks Prior to Thanksgiving Local man James Paulson was arrested in his home on November 22, a day before Thanksgiving, for what authorities alleged as being “not being thankful enough.” “This is ridiculous!” said Mr. Paulson in police custody, “I was going to start giving thanks on the day of Thanksgiving because I was super busy with things! I had to buy food and decorations, and I didn’t have time to stop and give thanks!” Paul Jameson, the county sheriff, told reporters that he was simply upholding the law. “We have strict codes of conduct surrounding Thanksgiving that have been in place since 1683. The law states that all thanks for Thanksgiving must be submitted BEFORE the day of the event.” Sheriff Jameson continued, “It doesn’t matter if the law is centuries old — just have your thanks in before Thanksgiving.” Jameson later insisted, “If we don’t obey the law, then how different are we from the turkeys we carve up on Thanksgiving?” Mr. Paulson will stand on court in early December for his actions, or lack thereof. Many law experts speculate that Paulson will be assigned approximately 65 hours of community service, or 23 years in prison, as well as resocialization and re-education to help cope with his crimes against humanity. Many of Paulson’s neighbors have reported feeling relieved, knowing that their streets are safe from “antigrateful maniacs.”
A group of these angered students attempted to hold a protest to keep Big Shoe’s influence out of UCSD. The students planned to have a large group take off their shoes in front of Geisel Library to demonstrate how they “don’t need shoes and neither does UCSD.” Though after receiving 2,000 people interested in the event on Facebook, only 11 people actually showed up. And of the 11 who showed up, only five were willing to take their shoes off, seeing as it had slightly drizzled an hour before the protest. After the failure of the protest, several students redirected their anger elsewhere. These students believed that UCSD should not have earned such a high ranking. They argue that UCSD looks nothing like a shoe from above. “If anything, UCSD looks like a person in the fetal position if viewed from an aerial view. I don’t know where these big wigs at U.S. News get off, telling me my slightly-worse-thanmediocre college looks like a shoe. I can’t believe we're only ranked fifth of universities that look like a man crying in the fetal position from above. We should be higher on that list and they know it,” monologued Martin Foetus. Martin then demonstrated the similarities by getting into a fetal position and crying while holding out his phone with a map of UCSD to compare to.
TOP Ten
Similarities between Jury Duty and Microwaving a Three-Day-Old Burrito
10. Your parents warned you that you’d have to do it eventually, but you never believed them 9. “Oh God, I hope they don’t realize I was the one who did it” 8. You spent as much time as you could in the bathroom 7. It’s the only way you know you’re a true American anymore 6. You’re not sure how this is legal 5. Gives you time to think about much-needed reform to the justice system 4. Your boss didn’t take it as a valid excuse to miss work 3. You left the country to avoid this 2. It felt unnecessary to wear a suit to this 1. It’s not the mold that bothers you, but the injustice Saying “since 1988” since 1988
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m. Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
theMQ.org
Page 12
December 6, 2017
A Southern California Mom’s Guide to Christmas -no time, no money, no problemOh, honey! Between all that driving your kids to and from soccer practice, and having impromptu happy hours with your girl friends, you’ve got no time or money left to spend on Christmas preparations! Not only are you going to ruin the Christmas spirit for your kids, but worst of all, your friends and family are all going to judge you! Never fear, however! With this handy guide, you can still salvage this year’s celebration and avoid having Arlene humiliating you for the next few Homeowners’ Association meetings.
Shopping Tips to Fulfill Wishlists ◊ Instead of last minute gift shopping, just steal the packages that have been delivered to your neighbor’s house and were left abandoned on their doorstep ◊ Hack into your kid’s Amazon account to look at what’s in their cart and buy it ◊ Hire the neighborhood children to make seasonal greeting cards that you can give to your friends and coworkers ◊ Try dumpster diving! As they say, one person’s trash is another person’s Christmas gift ◊ Give your friends and family your undivided attention since that’s been on their Christmas lists for years ◊ You don’t have any need for that blood stained fruit knife so you might as well give it away ◊ When you go shopping in a department store, make sure to duct tape the items you want to the bottom of your shopping cart so that no one can tell you are stealing them ◊ Luckily, you have a friend who does fursona commissions for cheap ◊ Regift all of the presents you received last year that you didn’t want anyways ◊ Give your coworkers cards that say, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift, and coincidentally the only gift you’ll be getting from me” ◊ Everyone enjoys a nice fruit basket ◊ Give your kids some cash to buy whatever they want, or just buy them the weed directly
How to Take a Good Family Photo Bad Good
Ugly Christmas sweaters have already been done.
Be more original and connect to the roots of Christmas by crucifying your family to your house.
Denim, denim, and … chambray? What the hell, Dad?
Denim, denim, and more denim. Ah, yes. All coordinated. When all else fails, just photoshop all of those imperfections away.
How to Decorate Your Christmas Tree
Now it’s perfect!
Christmas trees are so tedious! They are just expensive bundles of pine needles that get thrown out after two weeks of being in your living room. But in the spirit of Christmas, use these tips to make your two weeks with your tree more meaningful!
1
1.Hang condoms on your Christmas tree to show your friends that you aren’t too busy to participate in sexual intercourse with your loving husband
3
2 4
2. Cover your Christmas tree with gasoline to make it look nice, shiny, and new 3. Break out your best Gwen Stefani Christmas ornaments, go wild!
4. Putting string lights on your Christmas tree consumes all of your time and energy, as well as all of your electricity. Instead, use man’s original gift of fire to light up your home!
How to Make a Delicious Dinner
No one wants to starve on Christmas, but even more than that, no one wants an unpalatable Christmas feast! Follow this model to make a dinner spread that everyone will love, or at least not regurgitate while you’re not looking.
No one will know that the baked turkey from Vons wasn’t actually yours. Tell everyone the secret ingredient is love, but it’s actually weed.
If you spike the eggnog enough, maybe you can finally get some peace and quiet when everyone is knocked out.
Your kids love to eat those dinosaur shaped nuggets every other day of the year, so they’ll get them today too.
Cook whatever the hell you want, because no matter what you do everyone will say they love the food.