THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“What’s the riddle? Me talking so much and saying so little.” - Chairman Representative Devin Nunes, R-Calif.
Evidence that God is dead
February 7, 2018
Political Science Major Genuinely Believes He Will Become President One Day
Volume XXIV Issue IV
In This issue Local Man gives love a bad name, shot through heart
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Massive earthquake hits pangea, new lots formed
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Guide to AS presidential elections
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area gun shooting for senate seat in 2018 elections Dating app matches based on laptop stickers
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News in Brief Democrats Denounce Trump, Call for Preferred Authoritarian Leader PHOTO By jessica ma
When asked how he was preparing to be president, Stevens told reporters, “For starters, I’ve already started to administer executive orders to my friends and family.” Elizabeth Niculescu
Staff Writer lucky local political science major Jake Stevens released a statement earlier this week affirming his belief that he will be President of the United States of America “sometime around, like, 2040.” Stevens, a second year political science major at UCSD, expressed his willingness to share his nuanced policy beliefs with anyone who will listen: “Socially, I’m liberal, but otherwise, I’m conservative. Like, I’m cool with gay people, but I also think we should defeat ISIS.” As a candidate, Stevens is sure that he has what it takes to make it into the Oval Office. Not only did he compete in Model United Nations during high school, but sources show he also interned at his dad’s friend’s law firm this past sum-
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mer. In addition, he often prides himself openly about his diverse appetite for information. “I mainly read those CNN notifications you can get on your phone, but I’ve also watched a couple of Vice documentaries. Never stop educating yourself, guys, it’s super important,” advised Stevens. “I’d like to think my personality is a perfect fit for a career in the political arena. I would definitely say that I’m a people person, and ever since I was little, my mom always told me that I kind of have this, like, natural magnetism about me. It’s not really something you can teach, you know?” Stevens’s professors and peers commented that they are less sure. “Jake’s a good kid,” said his international relations professor, Dr. Michael Green, trepidatiously. “I know
his type; I teach about 20 or so every quarter. They come up and shake hands with me after every lecture, and they always are the first to sign up for Dine with a Professor. At this point in my career, it’s pretty flattering to have anyone pretend to respect my opinions as much as Jake does.” However, when asked if Jake was fit for the oval office, Green expressed serious doubts, commenting, “From what I’ve seen, Jake’s personality is pretty off-putting to his peers. Nobody wants him in their study group. Plus, he used ‘Iran’ and ‘Iraq’ interchangeably in his recent 500 word short-essay titled: ‘Middle East Advice.’” Reporters also interviewed Stevens’s suitemate Brian Balsa to get a sense of the potential future commanderin-chief outside the class-
room. “Oh yeah, Jake’s a total jerk,” said Balsa definitively, “And he’s the type of guy to overcharge his friends on Venmo and call it ‘entrepreneurship.’ He’s also incredibly superficial; he was a big Megyn Kelly fan until she cut her hair and that made her ‘less hot.’ I wouldn’t vote for him.” Regardless of what others think of him, Stevens expresses optimism about his chances. “My policies are all based on common sense. For example, with China, we should just say ‘forgive our debt or we’ll go to war’ and, obviously, China knows they would lose. Honestly, being president is simply going to be a matter of sticking to my guns.” Stevens paused to wink before adding, “History will love me.”
Man Awaiting Ultimate Heat Death of Universe Unimpressed by Rate of Global Warming By Stephen Lightfoot and Hannah Rosenblatt Assistant Graphics Editor and Editor-in-Chief
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rea man Powel Forms reported last Thursday that he was expecting to be brutally killed by fire and heat waves years ago, counting on global warming to destroy the planet by 2008, at the very latest. After experiencing dismay over still being alive and well, Forms launched a plan to enhance global warming so it would be able to violently fry him to a crisp while there is still enough energy left in the universe to consume. “Some people would say I’m a climate change denier,” Forms elaborated, “On the contrary, I consider myself a science and evidence-based man. All I’m saying is that if global warming was REALLY
Congressional Democrats celebrated this month after two major political achievements in January. They succeeded in passing a bipartisan bill which will maintain the Bush-era practice of warrantless wiretapping by the FBI, allowing the Trump administration to monitor Americans’ communication with people in other countries. Democrats also successfully ramped up their warnings of Trump’s authoritarian behavior as the president pushed out the Deputy Director of the FBI. “Things have been going so well for us this year,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a vocal critic of Trump and key supporter of giving him the power to spy on people. “If our
luck continues, we’ll have a Democrat president once Mueller finds evidence of obstruction of justice by Trump. Our constituents are starting to realize the man has no regard for the rule of law.” Pelosi then offered to read aloud a bill that would allow the FBI to monitor domestic communications as long as they “asked a judge really nicely.” Civil liberty activists expressed concern that giving the Trump administration the authority to spy on Americans would put the president’s targeted communities at risk. Pelosi responded, “The FBI has been watching minority communities and immigrants for years. They should be used to it by now.”
Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane Doe holding a widget and pointing it in the direction of several passersby while making several different emotive faces, but when confronted by someone that looked like a policeman, Doe dropped the widget and apologized for her actions before walking away in a different direction. When asked by reporters about the incident, Jane Doe commented, “Yeah, I did some stuff there, and there were a few consequences as
a result. It was definitely a time for everyone involved, I’m sure. “I think what everyone could learn from this is that there’s always something going on with somebody, so you should feel good emotions towards what you have because you never know when you won’t have those things after stuff happens.” At press time, Doe was reportedly being talked to by her department head at Corporation Incorporated, John Smith, for drawing some attention to the company, receiving comments such as “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.”
Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”
PHOTO By stephen lightfoot
“Let’s see those fucks in City Hall complain about my grass height now,” said Forms. a threat, why am I not dead? I gotta do my part and speed things up,” Forms stated while spraying several cans
Local man finds magic scissors Cuts water bill in half
of various ozone-depleting substances into the air. Scientists have speculated that the heat death of
the universe will occur in approximately 101000 years
See Heat Death, page 2
Area woman bad at analogies It’s like comparing oranges to oranges
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty Bell into a celebratory Cheese-Whiz bathtub with “FUCK BRADY” and “BIG DICK NICK” carved into the side, claimed to be upset over the victory. “Look, I wasn’t pleased when we got in the Super Bowl to begin with,” said Neil Hendge. “We went into the game, with our golden boy QB, Carson Wentz, injured, against the Patriots of all teams. How I am supposed to walk out of that without a hernia, win or not?”
According to the fans, this win is good, but it just creates larger problems for the team. “We’ve peaked! There’s no way you can top beating Tom Brady with a backup QB. On top of that, our backup Nick Foles literally caught a throw for a touchdown! Now, the only way I can be happy is if we win again next year with half the defense and a literal eagle as the coach,” said Hendge. Reports have now come in that after the celebratory parade, thousands of Philadelphians have thrown away their “chuckin’ batteries” in a city-wide sense of mourning.
See BRIEFS, page 11