The MQ Volume 24 Issue 4 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“What’s the riddle? Me talking so much and saying so little.” - Chairman Representative Devin Nunes, R-Calif.

Evidence that God is dead

February 7, 2018

Political Science Major Genuinely Believes He Will Become President One Day

Volume XXIV Issue IV

In This issue Local Man gives love a bad name, shot through heart

Massive earthquake hits pangea, new lots formed

Guide to AS presidential elections

6,7

area gun shooting for senate seat in 2018 elections Dating app matches based on laptop stickers

9 10

News in Brief Democrats Denounce Trump, Call for Preferred Authoritarian Leader PHOTO By jessica ma

When asked how he was preparing to be president, Stevens told reporters, “For starters, I’ve already started to administer executive orders to my friends and family.” Elizabeth Niculescu

Staff Writer lucky local political science major Jake Stevens released a statement earlier this week affirming his belief that he will be President of the United States of America “sometime around, like, 2040.” Stevens, a second year political science major at UCSD, expressed his willingness to share his nuanced policy beliefs with anyone who will listen: “Socially, I’m liberal, but otherwise, I’m conservative. Like, I’m cool with gay people, but I also think we should defeat ISIS.” As a candidate, Stevens is sure that he has what it takes to make it into the Oval Office. Not only did he compete in Model United Nations during high school, but sources show he also interned at his dad’s friend’s law firm this past sum-

mer. In addition, he often prides himself openly about his diverse appetite for information. “I mainly read those CNN notifications you can get on your phone, but I’ve also watched a couple of Vice documentaries. Never stop educating yourself, guys, it’s super important,” advised Stevens. “I’d like to think my personality is a perfect fit for a career in the political arena. I would definitely say that I’m a people person, and ever since I was little, my mom always told me that I kind of have this, like, natural magnetism about me. It’s not really something you can teach, you know?” Stevens’s professors and peers commented that they are less sure. “Jake’s a good kid,” said his international relations professor, Dr. Michael Green, trepidatiously. “I know

his type; I teach about 20 or so every quarter. They come up and shake hands with me after every lecture, and they always are the first to sign up for Dine with a Professor. At this point in my career, it’s pretty flattering to have anyone pretend to respect my opinions as much as Jake does.” However, when asked if Jake was fit for the oval office, Green expressed serious doubts, commenting, “From what I’ve seen, Jake’s personality is pretty off-putting to his peers. Nobody wants him in their study group. Plus, he used ‘Iran’ and ‘Iraq’ interchangeably in his recent 500 word short-essay titled: ‘Middle East Advice.’” Reporters also interviewed Stevens’s suitemate Brian Balsa to get a sense of the potential future commanderin-chief outside the class-

room. “Oh yeah, Jake’s a total jerk,” said Balsa definitively, “And he’s the type of guy to overcharge his friends on Venmo and call it ‘entrepreneurship.’ He’s also incredibly superficial; he was a big Megyn Kelly fan until she cut her hair and that made her ‘less hot.’ I wouldn’t vote for him.” Regardless of what others think of him, Stevens expresses optimism about his chances. “My policies are all based on common sense. For example, with China, we should just say ‘forgive our debt or we’ll go to war’ and, obviously, China knows they would lose. Honestly, being president is simply going to be a matter of sticking to my guns.” Stevens paused to wink before adding, “History will love me.”

Man Awaiting Ultimate Heat Death of Universe Unimpressed by Rate of Global Warming By Stephen Lightfoot and Hannah Rosenblatt Assistant Graphics Editor and Editor-in-Chief

rea man Powel Forms reported last Thursday that he was expecting to be brutally killed by fire and heat waves years ago, counting on global warming to destroy the planet by 2008, at the very latest. After experiencing dismay over still being alive and well, Forms launched a plan to enhance global warming so it would be able to violently fry him to a crisp while there is still enough energy left in the universe to consume. “Some people would say I’m a climate change denier,” Forms elaborated, “On the contrary, I consider myself a science and evidence-based man. All I’m saying is that if global warming was REALLY

Congressional Democrats celebrated this month after two major political achievements in January. They succeeded in passing a bipartisan bill which will maintain the Bush-era practice of warrantless wiretapping by the FBI, allowing the Trump administration to monitor Americans’ communication with people in other countries. Democrats also successfully ramped up their warnings of Trump’s authoritarian behavior as the president pushed out the Deputy Director of the FBI. “Things have been going so well for us this year,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a vocal critic of Trump and key supporter of giving him the power to spy on people. “If our

luck continues, we’ll have a Democrat president once Mueller finds evidence of obstruction of justice by Trump. Our constituents are starting to realize the man has no regard for the rule of law.” Pelosi then offered to read aloud a bill that would allow the FBI to monitor domestic communications as long as they “asked a judge really nicely.” Civil liberty activists expressed concern that giving the Trump administration the authority to spy on Americans would put the president’s targeted communities at risk. Pelosi responded, “The FBI has been watching minority communities and immigrants for years. They should be used to it by now.”

Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane Doe holding a widget and pointing it in the direction of several passersby while making several different emotive faces, but when confronted by someone that looked like a policeman, Doe dropped the widget and apologized for her actions before walking away in a different direction. When asked by reporters about the incident, Jane Doe commented, “Yeah, I did some stuff there, and there were a few consequences as

a result. It was definitely a time for everyone involved, I’m sure. “I think what everyone could learn from this is that there’s always something going on with somebody, so you should feel good emotions towards what you have because you never know when you won’t have those things after stuff happens.” At press time, Doe was reportedly being talked to by her department head at Corporation Incorporated, John Smith, for drawing some attention to the company, receiving comments such as “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.”

Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“Let’s see those fucks in City Hall complain about my grass height now,” said Forms. a threat, why am I not dead? I gotta do my part and speed things up,” Forms stated while spraying several cans

Local man finds magic scissors Cuts water bill in half

of various ozone-depleting substances into the air. Scientists have speculated that the heat death of

the universe will occur in approximately 101000 years

See Heat Death, page 2

Area woman bad at analogies It’s like comparing oranges to oranges

This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty Bell into a celebratory Cheese-Whiz bathtub with “FUCK BRADY” and “BIG DICK NICK” carved into the side, claimed to be upset over the victory. “Look, I wasn’t pleased when we got in the Super Bowl to begin with,” said Neil Hendge. “We went into the game, with our golden boy QB, Carson Wentz, injured, against the Patriots of all teams. How I am supposed to walk out of that without a hernia, win or not?”

According to the fans, this win is good, but it just creates larger problems for the team. “We’ve peaked! There’s no way you can top beating Tom Brady with a backup QB. On top of that, our backup Nick Foles literally caught a throw for a touchdown! Now, the only way I can be happy is if we win again next year with half the defense and a literal eagle as the coach,” said Hendge. Reports have now come in that after the celebratory parade, thousands of Philadelphians have thrown away their “chuckin’ batteries” in a city-wide sense of mourning.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

February 7, 2018

Government Shutdown Called “Best Thing To Occur During Trump’s First Year in Office”

President Trump promised that for the next government shutdown, Mexico will pay for the sign. By Sophia Landaverde

Assistant Design Editor ne month after the government shutdown, the American population has settled in with the gravity of the situtation. The shutdown lasted a total of three days, and it could possibly be the most productive three days since Trump’s inauguration. All major news sources and political scientist have agreed: the shutdown was the best thing that occurred during Trump’s first year in office. Reports from the shutdown said Trump had stayed on the sidelines throughout it. As a result, no alarms were raised when he was photographed having an intimate conversation with Vladimir Putin, the two of which repeatedly had meetings throughout the three days. White House photographer Shealah Craighead caught many of these moments on camera, com-

menting, “Nobody really seemed to notice them” and “I don’t know, it didn’t seem suspicious to me.” The content of their meeting is largely unknown to all except for a few Russian officials. Witness James Booray stated, “The two of them looked like they were having a very intimate conversation with each other. They would occasionally hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes. Trump would talk for what felt like hours as Putin intensely listened to his ramblings. It reminded me of a couple who are deeply in love with each other.” The shutdown gave many employees a time to relax and reconnect with their families. Journalists who normally kept a watchful eye on Trump’s Twitter reported being able to sleep during normal hours because they did not have to be awake for Trump’s 5 a.m.

tweets. They were also able to have time with family without a phone in their hand. Interviews with children at Janney Elementary School in D.C. revealed that many students had seen a new face at breakfast and dinner during the shutdown. First grader Ricky Motts reported, “My dad’s face is usually rose gold and rectangular.” Third grader Mary Motts corrected him, saying, “No, dad’s face has been space gray since the iPhone X came out.” In response to the rumors circling Janney Elementary, mother Ellie Motts assured that this new face was in fact her spouse and not a lover. However, some workers opted out of time with family and decided to continue their work through this unplanned vacation. Secretary Maegan Walker said, “I know I’m not getting paid for this, but I‘m basically making up

PHOTO By Jessica ma

continued from page 1: which Forms has stated as “just not good enough” despite the fact that he, or anyone else currently living on the planet Earth, will not be alive anywhere close to the universe’s heat death. Forms has made it clear that he wanted to “see the fireworks” and recently turned to global warming as the next best alternative to go out in a spectacular burst of light. Forms’ plan to escalate global warming while he’s still alive comprised of drastic changes to his daily routine. He claimed, however, that the inconvenience is worth it to give global warming the helping hand it needs to spontaneously scorch his body to smithereens within the next 20 to 30 years. “I find it unacceptable that researchers have been ranting about the dangers of climate change for the past 30 years, but when I step outside, I don’t even get an immediate sunburn yet,” exclaimed Forms as he began his morning routine of turning on his 12 fuel-inefficient SUVs parked on his property while he put the ACs on full-blast. Additional items on Forms’ daily to-do list included fracking in a remote field in Wyoming, reigniting the tire fire pit in his backyard, and paying off scientists to release studies arguing that global warming doesn’t exist. The last item, Forms insisted, will encourage

Heat Death people to pollute more. “I’m only one person,” he explained, “If I want global warming to happen ASAP, I’m gonna need all hands on deck. I’m certain that if we all unite to expedite climate change, we can all go out within the next two, three decades — max. For every great revolutionary action, there has to be someone to start the metaphorical fire. I never imagined that I would be that person, but it seems like I must rise to the occasion and be the one to start the spark,” exclaimed Forms as he dumped crude oil in his backyard garden. At press time, Forms was informed that the heat death of the universe wouldn’t actually involve any heat or lights, and global warming would only result in flooding, depletion of agriculture, and gradual mass extinction. Dissatisfied with this potential ending, Forms decided to dedicate his life to causing a more flashy, apocalyptic event by trying to trigger an eruption at the supervolcano underneath Yellowstone National Park. “I want to go out with a bang, and I’m gonna do it, god damn it!” Forms screamed as he drove towards the park with a jackhammer and shotgun to fend off park rangers.

for all the work I couldn’t do. Normally, the president would call me into the office often to ask random question such as, ‘Isn’t my accent of the Prime Minister of India great?’ but now I can do my work undisturbed.” Similar cases were found throughout the White House with all willing to do unpaid work. The workers were “glad Trump was out of the way” as they all found that they were more productive without the president. “I do most of the work anyways, so honestly we can just get rid of him. Make way for President Pence, am I right?” commented Vice President Pence. “I mean, just kidding. Unless, you don’t want me to be kidding.”

Always room for more jokes

THE MQ

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Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal Content Editor....................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.........Dan Kaliblotzky Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma

Assistant Graphics Editor...Stephen Lightfoot

Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver

Assistant Copy Editor........Samantha Cane Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon

Social/Publicity Ottoman..Mishelle Arakelian Distribution Captain...................Chris Doherty Distribution Lieutenant...David Vereau Gorbitz Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee Foreign Correspondent...............Alex Vollhardt MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Sexy and we know it.

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I had to miss the first half of this production, and suffered from major withdrawal during the extra two days that I would normally spend with this bunch of staff members. When I returned, I found a ton of amazing content already assembled, and people working together and feeding off of each other like a well-oiled, albeit slightly goofy machine. I’ve never felt so proud to be obsolete. It was amazing to see editors stepping up and leading even more than previously, and witness the final product come together. We had a bunch of new editors that all contributed greatly, and made their new roles their own immediately. Their input and character added a refreshingly new take to our humor and style. Watching members of this org transform and make the paper as a whole transform with them is easily one of the most rewarding and entertaining things to experience, and I can’t wait to see what you all make, share, and improve

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February 7, 2018

Page 3

Local Man Gives Love a Bad Name, Is Shot Through the Heart

Local Man’s Future Self Comes Back To Stop Him from Making Resolutions

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

Martin told reporters that he was not surprised that his future self was still immature enough to ding dong ditch himself. By Andres HernandezCosme PHOTO By jessica ma

Rather than mourning Flynn, funeral attendants were arguing over who got to keep the Bon Jovi cardboard cutout. By Stephen Lightfoot Assistant Graphics Editor

ocal man Liam Flynn passed away after being shot during an altercation late Friday night. After an eight-hour manhunt, police caught the suspect, Kelsey Lorraine, in a Motel 6 off the I-5. Lorraine is a known gang member, has been a drug dealer for the past several years, and specializes in dealing PCP. Lorraine is better known for her street name, Love, which was reportedly given to her by several other gang members, referencing her relationship with Flynn. Mutual friends of the two said that Lorraine and Flynn were high school sweethearts, and they had recently butted heads over Flynn’s apathy towards anything that wasn’t in some way related to the hard rock band, Bon Jovi. According to a police report released late Sunday evening, Lorraine was work-

ing one night when Flynn found her and inquired about purchasing “angel’s smiles.” Lorraine took the Bon Jovibased pun on “angel dust” personally which lead to an argument where Flynn and Lorraine fought about the dynamics of a healthy couple, the ability to know one’s audience when telling jokes, and the difficulty of hustling. After Flynn reportedly stated that Lorraine “promised him heaven then put him through hell,” Lorraine shot Flynn directly in the heart with a .357 Magnum. She fled the scene immediately following the altercation, but a passerby heard Flynn reportedly say “no one can save me, the damage is done” before bleeding out moments later. Residents of the quiet community where Flynn lived were shaken, and various residents stated that he “played his part” in the community and that he would be “deeply missed.” Flynn’s

mother, Christina, seemed to be the most impacted by the tragedy. “My son and I had a very close relationship,” Christina stated. “I miss him deeply. I’ll always remember the way he always had a Bon Jovi reference for literally any situation. It wasn’t even just lyrics – he had really obscure references to the band dynamics that no sane person would ever know.” After thinking for a few more moments, she added, “I honestly just can’t wait to clear the life-sized cardboard cutouts of all the Bon Jovi members out of the garage.” Since her imprisonment, Lorraine has expressed regret for her actions. “Yeah, sure I feel bad for shooting him,” Lorraine explained. “But all I’m saying is that ever since I shot him, I haven’t heard a single piece of Bon Jovi related trivia. Did you know he would text me good morning with random Bon Jovi facts? He had a sick, twisted mind.”

Lorraine has since amended her statement, saying that she would “do it again, a hundred times over” if given another opportunity. Lorraine’s trial is set for some time next month, and her lawyers are confident that they can clear her name. “In our eyes, Lorraine’s actions were completely justified,” said her lawyers in a press interview. “If someone approaches you on the street and starts screaming Bon Jovi lyrics, I would immediately think my life was being threatened, wouldn’t you? That, combined with my client’s prior history of being harassed, would constitute, in my eyes, a justifiable homicide. In this case, the Bon Jovi’s words ring true – ‘When passion’s a prison, you can’t break free.’”

Trump’s Misunderstanding of the National Anthem Overshadowed by Ability To Whistle “Dixie” By Sam Leaman

Staff Writer

ress Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was put to the test earlier this month after President Trump appeared to forget significant portions of “The Star-Spangled Banner” during the opening festivities of the College Football National Championships. Like most of Trump’s presidency, a host of cameras was there to capture the moment broadcasting the mishap live to 25.7 million viewers who, according to Trump’s latest tweet, “ … probably don’t know half the words to that stupid song themselves.” The Twitter tirade continued on for three more threads in which President Trump also attacked the anthem’s creator, Francis Scott Key, writing, “ … I mean who even likes that boring song anyways, I could write a better national anthem than that Filthy Franny.” In the video, Trump can be clearly seen timidly murmuring the melody and at other times singing the completely wrong lyrics; at one point, it seemed as if Trump was singing the tune to “Veggie Tales.” The clip from the game quickly went viral, and the next morning, Press Secretary Sanders took to the briefing room to set the record straight. Sanders opened the briefing by reading off a list of celebrities and then proceeded to ask the room of journalists, “You know what Donald Trump has in com-

Staff Writer

ecently, La Jolla resident Emmet Martin found himself in a strange situation when a naked man appeared on his front lawn. After Martin allowed the stranger into his home, the stranger revealed he was Martin’s future self who came with a warning that if Martin followed through with his New Year’s resolutions, it would cause massive chaos. Martin’s resolutions reportedly included eating healthier, taking walks every day, and practicing an instrument for an hour every day. Martin’s future self informed Martin that, by May of 2018, these resolutions will lead to the collapse of the entire sugar industry, a complete degradation of the U.S. Pacific coastline, and permanent absence of sound due to the destruction of the sound barrier beyond repair. Martin stated he was disappointed in this news as he had set up a variety of tools to help him actually follow through with his resolutions this year, including alarms, memo notes, strings tied to doors, an electrified snack cupboard handle, a humansized hamster wheel to run on, and a trained, endangered Egyptian Cockatoo that sings an annoying song whenever he was not following through with his resolution goals. “It kinda sucked that all that work ended up be-

ing pointless,” Martin complained. “I mean, getting that damn bird took two weeks, and it took another week to train it to sing Taylor Swift’s ‘Trouble.’ Anyway, after my future self left, I called my personal trainer for advice. He basically told me that I shouldn’t work out anymore and that I should go back to being ‘the talentless sad-sack’ that I am.” “Yeah, I told that sad-sack to give up the violin and to cancel his gym membership. Sure, it sucks for the guy, but I have my own resolutions I’m working on that can only happen as long as the Earth is still intact,” stated Matthew Tannen, Martin’s personal trainer, “Not to mention, I’m terrified of the ocean. And if the tides got higher, sharks might move next door which would really bring down the property value of the new condo I just bought. Also, if there wasn’t any sound, I couldn’t hear the sound effects in the new Transformer movies. Anyways, I told Emmet to listen to the weird naked man that predicted the end of days ‘cause he sounded reliable.” “I’ve changed my life back to what it was before,” Martin explained. “I’m trying my best to be as lazy, inactive, and unhealthy as possible for the benefit of everyone else. My doctor kinda advised against it, but he’s not the one involved with time travel. In all honesty, I kinda prefer this more. It’s a hell of a lot easier.”

TOP Ten

Regrets You Had at That All You Can Eat Buffet

PHOTO By jessica ma

Trump told reporters that he was “a little confused” because he initially thought “The StarSpangled Banner” referred to the Confederate flag. mon with Grammy Award Winning singer Christina Aguilera and American Idol Winner Scotty McCreery? They all make recurring appearances in my nightly fantasies AND have screwed up the national anthem.” After spending an uncomfortable amount of time explaining to journalists the simplistic beauty of McCreery’s music and the hypnotic rhythm in which his hips sway, Sanders, after taking a moment to collect herself, told reporters, “President Trump may not know all the words to our anthem, but ohhh boyyy he can sure whistle ‘Dixie.’” According to Sanders, the

president can often be heard wandering around the West Wing whistling famous Confederate battle hymns. Other staff members have also spoken out, praising Trump’s previously hidden talent. “There has never been a better whistler in the world,” yelled Senior Advisor Stephen Miller, wiping frothy saliva from the corners of his mouth. Apparently, President Trump isn’t the only musician in the White House as Jeff Sessions, Rick Perry, Rex Tillerson, and Mike Pence have all been reportedly seen and heard in the Oval Office, accompanying the President with various makeshift instruments.

“Sessions plays one hell of a washboard,” commented Trump when asked about his staff members’ hidden talent. The jugband quartet reportedly spends hours writing and rehearsing their music only to be interrupted when Ivanka brings the men their juice. The Andrew Jackson 5 is set to perform their first gig at the Little Rock Music Festival, otherwise referred to unofficially as “Racist Coachella,” and they are rumored to have started recording a new album set to release late this year.

10. The cashier wouldn’t ring you up for a kid’s apple juice 9. Not realizing that “all-you-can eat” didn’t mean that everything was edible 8. Starting a riot when they ran out of breadsticks 7. Realizing that it wasn’t an all-you-caneat buffet 6. Only trying seven of their soups 5. That food fight with those seventh graders 4. Not putting enough croutons on your salad and feeling too embarrassed to get in line for more 3. Realizing that you’re just shoving fries into your mouth in the back of a McDonald’s kitchen 2. Trying to steal that second piece of pizza before you realized it was a buffet 1. Getting too drunk at the open bar and demanding to see “Mr. Buffet” himself

Page 4

theMQ.org

February 7, 2018

“Mona Lisa” Stolen, Replaced with Poor MS Paint Reproduction

Local Man Positive He Would Find Love If He Stopped Being a Piece of Shit

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

Not pictured: the five other women who had already declined Foster’s offer. PHOTO By daniel clinton

The day after the museum published news of the “MonaSoft Paint,” security guards found “The Birth of Venus” replaced with macaroni art. By Dan Kaliblotzky

Assistant Content Editor he Louvre’s staff last week were struck by theft after realizing someone had exchanged da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” with a digitally fabricated replica. After careful inspection, museum experts have discovered it was skillfully duplicated using Microsoft Paint. Curator Andre Huile commented that he believes this is a crucial detail into finding whom he calls the “MS Paint Whisperer.” “What this person has done with such a computer program is beyond any level that we have seen before,” said Huile, “It is as if the ‘MonaSoft Paint’ is leaping off the flimsy poster paper it was printed on. Its poorly shaded face stares at me in a beautiful misery, as if to say, ‘I must find my creator.’ I have to say, art has not made me feel this way in a long time.”

When asked about the real “Mona Lisa,” he responded, “Yeah, I guess the ‘Mona Lisa’ is okay. Oh, did you mean the theft? I don’t know, we’ll probably find it. We have bigger priorities. Either way, people will still come to the Louvre. It’s not like they only care about us because of the ‘Mona Lisa,’ right?” The incident has made a large impact on the Louvre and all of its staff. The director, Jean-Luc Martinez, commented, “I think this marks a turning point in the history of art. This is the sort of thing that only happens in movies. I think I speak for our entire staff when I say that we have been deeply impacted by the replicator’s actions. It’s not every day that you see a brilliant new art movement start in your very own museum.” Reports say that when the thief is found, the Louvre will not press charges but instead has discussed plans to offer

them a curator position. Art historians have flocked to the Louvre from around the world to see the “Mona Lisa” replicate, but they are still currently waiting because an open exhibit is being emptied to make room for the MS Paint piece. The Louvre failed to provide an estimation of when they may retrieve the “Mona Lisa,” but new advertisements are publicizing the new MS Paint exhibit coming this March. Some museum staff were not aware of the painting’s theft as a result of the fake “Mona Lisa’s” stardom. Marie DuPoisson, who works at the gift shop, weighed in, “Oh, the first one’s gone? I guess they should probably get it back. It would help aspiring artists to compare the old one and the Paint Whisperer’s one and see where da Vinci went wrong.” Others reported a new understanding of art through history. Tourist Mark Shelman visited the museum after the theft

occurred and gave his perspective on the situation, “It’s sort of mind blowing, right? I usually only know what good art is because of what I hear about it, but I almost didn’t let people sway me on this one. In hindsight, it was silly of me to call the police when I saw the Paint Whisperer run off with da Vinci’s copy. Wait, do we still like that one?” Meanwhile, the Louvre has completely shut down to outside visitors. Museum officials state that the reason for the museum’s closing is due to a lack of security as most of the museum’s staff is currently dedicated to finding the thief. The most recent sight of people at the Louvre entrance was a security guard leaving and another staff member running after him with a “Starry Night” replicate made in MS Paint, yelling, “Can you tell them to sign this?”

MQ Trading Cards: Future Presidents A Self-Driving Car

The Ghost of Richard Nixon

Pladimir Vutin

By Declan Sullivan

Staff Writer

an Diego man Joe D. Foster has been searching for love for eight years, and has yet to find “the one.” He told reporters that he enjoys spending his time going to restaurants, refusing to accept Diet Pepsi as an alternative to Diet Coke, and speaking moderately loudly into a Bluetooth earpiece while standing in line at a Starbucks. He reported that despite how much he enjoyed these activities, “If I keep this shit up, there’s no way I’ll ever get a date.” Late last week, Foster reported another failed date with a woman named Carla Moroney. Moroney agreed to speak to reporters, saying, “He took me to lunch at Taco Bell, except he just took us through the drive-thru and we ate as he drove me home,” said Moroney. “He also just wouldn’t shut up about someone named ‘Geraldine,’ who died when he was 15.” When pressed about how the date went from his point of view, Foster conceded, “it could have gone a little better with what’s-her-name, but I think I’m finally able to move on from my Tamagotchi’s death.” According to his friends, Foster’s social media accounts are no better, yet reflect his personality quite well. His Tinder profile features several pictures of himself hunting, his bio concluded with a Venmo username, his Twitter account is filled with conspiracy theory retweets, and a strange

obsession with birth certificates and emails. Nobody has dared check Joe’s Snapchat, and many have cited their preference to keep it that way. When Joe isn’t admiring his American flag flying out of the back of his pickup or knocking back his Super Male Vitality pills, he reported being stuck in a pit of loneliness. “I think I’m starting to understand why people don’t like me, and I want to change,” Foster confessed. People close to Joe believe that he can be a better person than the character he puts out. Marie Foster, Foster’s mother, told reporters, “His demeanor may be lackluster, and although his opinions may be misinformed, his talents shine bright! He loves to knit sweaters for his pet snake Kelly Anacondaway,” said Marie while holding up a small piece of fabric that read ‘Don’t Tread on Me.’ Another one of Foster’s past dates weighed in, saying, “Honestly, he’s got some great talents, it’s just that he’s a piece of shit.” “I know what I need to do,” Foster said. “I need to change my lifestyle. I’ll go to hot yoga, I’ll go on juice cleanses, I’ll do anything, I just know that there is more to life than I am currently experiencing.” Many of those close to Foster had hope after he came to this realization, although they told reporters that their hope quickly vanished when shortly after his epiphany he threw on his favorite fedora and proceeded to do donuts in the Vons parking lot.

TOP Ten

Reasons You’re No Longer Friends with Jim After the Super Bowl Party #90 High Point of Presidency: Avoided running over those six people Low Point of Presidency: Ran over that one person while avoiding those six people

Satan

#37

High Point of Presidency: Organized a partnership between the U.S. and Russia

Low Point of Presidency: When he lost the televised debate with the ghost of JFK

Low Point of Presidency: That partnership turned out to be an annexation

Clippy

Rock Bear

#666 High Point of Presidency: Turned out to be just a normal American politician Low Point of Presidency: Turned out to be just a normal American politician

#146

High Point of Presidency: When he won the radio debate with the ghost of JFK

#121

#133

High Point of Presidency: Moved the capital to Boulder, CO

High Point of Presidency: Held the country together

Low Point of Presidency: Got a sword stuck in him, and no one could pull it out

Low Point of Presidency: Caused a new Cold War by appearing unannounced next to foreign leaders when they least expected it

10. He stole your seat 9. He came dressed to support his favorite team: the refs 8. He filled all the kegs with NyQuil 7. He fired his gun into the ceiling every time his team scored 6. He brought a live pig and attempted to make a football on your coffee table 5. He killed your family 4. He spiked the football and the punchbowl 3. He held a tailgate in your living room 2. He had sex with your onion dip 1. He thought a “Super Bowl” was something you could get at IKEA We got lost in a supermarket and never found our parents

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Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat

Scientists Discover the Deal With Airline Food, Observational Comedians Rendered Useless

PHOTO By Jessica ma

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

“Observational comedy is dead and you killed it!” yelled Seinfeld at anyone who walked by.

After the campaign speech was over, the XD-S asked, “Can someone turn my safety on? I want to go kiss some babies.” By Rhys Shriver

Copy Editor n January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had announced his bid for the same seat. According to the XD-S’s spokesperson, Troy Leess, the gun had spoken privately about its plans to run as Republican in the past two elections, but after several shooting-related incidents, it came to the conclusion with Leess that it would be less controversial to run during a “fresh” year. “Y’know, the XD-S isn’t a bad guy,” said Richard Evrey, a voter from Davis County,

Utah, “And I know that it’s a registered felon — what with all the gun-related murders — but ya still gotta respect the honesty of some cold steel. I don’t think I can trust people anymore, always lying and conniving, but you don’t get that with a gun! It says it kills, and boy, does it deliver. And those jokes! Now the XD-S, she was on a Netflix special, and WOW those jokes killed me!” As voting season approaches, more allegations have been raised against the XD-S, including numerous cases of assault, breaking and entering, and illegally downloading Grand Theft Auto. Following these accusations, Romney released an ad for his Senate plans that discussed

a gun control bill which was purportedly made to sling mud at the XD-S, but was instead met with criticism from the Republican voter base which cited complaints such as “research shows that gun control doesn’t stop 100 percent of murders,” “no one can succeed at taking away all guns,” and “at least guns aren’t Mormon.” Despite the numerous voiced complaints, Romney is reportedly still leading the polls by at least 60 percent. When reached out for comment, the XD-S refused to respond, instead having its spokesperson Leess comment, “The XD-S stood for the truth about guns and the Constitution for the voters of Utah. Win or lose, she has no regrets,

either from shooting for the Senate or from numerous shootings, in general.” The publicity from the Utah 2018 elections has brought up controversies about gun rights with hashtags like “#MakeAmericaGunAgain” and “#GunsWithHer” trending on sites such as Facebook and Twitter, and a surge of people discussing discrimination against guns and gun rights. As election time approaches, political scientists are predicting that more young voters, concerned parents, and centrists who use Twitter to graciously inform liberals that, actually, both sides are morally wrong will join this election cycle after being up-in-arms over this arms debate.

CEO Fired for Typing with Two Fingers

PHOTO By jessica ma

“How do you spell ‘sue’?” asked Jewel. By Samantha Cane

Assistant Copy Editor

n the midst of the U.S. economy’s gradual resurgence, corporate hiccups amongst the nation’s top banks arrived in lieu of celebration. It has been recently announced that one of Bank of America’s top CEO’s, Silvia Murray Jewel, was demoted from her executive position due to her “inefficient” typing skills. Sources contend to her alleged typing deficiency, claiming she is estimated to type 21 words per minute, has frequent misspellings, and has an impaired focus on what is being said to her as she types. Savannah Cohen, a Bank of America chairperson, reported that Jewel’s inability to touchtype has negatively affected her overall work performance. Cohen commented, “I stare at her during our board meetings using just two fingers to type up notes, and I can’t stand it. She refuses to learn, and she’s not even that old!” To further her account, Cohen brought

up Jewel’s typed notes on her computer and pointed out the red-underlined, broken words with haphazard indents, saying, “Keep in mind, she looked at this and was okay with it.” Jewel was outraged over Cohen’s prejudice against her hunt-and-peck preference. She told sources, “How I type is not an issue because I get my work done just fine.” Shortly after this statement, witnesses claimed that Jewel sent an email to Cohen announcing her decision to sue, reading, “Im suig.” Jewel immediately challenged the chairman’s decision with a lawsuit. Following the abrupt demotion, accusing her superior of ageism. Jewel, age 34, stated, “This will show her,” as she methodically typed with her index fingers, “I worked too hard buying gift baskets for bosses to get here.” In regards to her lawsuit, Jewel has confident commented that she believes things will go her way. “You know, I don’t need this job.

Plenty of people want my expertise, and they won’t care how I type.” As she finished up her last report as CEO, she cursed under her breath while repeatedly pressing the backspace key. Cohen gathered her legal team together in retaliation to Jewel’s lawsuit, accompanied by two corporate lawyers to defend her case. Cohen asserted, “I’m literally 15 years older than her, I cannot understand how I’m being accused of ageism. This is all some elaborate ploy just so she can avoid touch typing, and the worst part is she might get a lot of money out of this.” The expected first day of mediation is currently unknown, as Jewel is still in the process of establishing a date with her lawyers over email. Meanwhile, Cohen has been seen pacing in her office and conversing with her legal team in what witnesses described as a frenzied panic. One of her lawyers attests, “We never knew Ms. Jewel would acquire so much attention for

this case, especially from the media. Don’t you guys have better things to report on?” Ms. Jewel’s lawyer gave a statement regarding the lawsuit’s discovery stage in which facts and issues from both parties were revealed: “It appears Ms. Cohen has some personal vendetta against Ms. Jewel. It has come to our attention that Ms. Cohen is a slow reader which makes her case that Ms. Jewel is an incompetent worker now moot.” Richard Eiselman, the company’s corporate lawyer, is responsible for overlooking all strifes that occur within and outside BofA affairs. In response to the Jewel v. Cohen case, Eiselman attests, “This might be the most ridiculous lawsuit this company has ever seen, even beating a case we had two years ago where an employee sued a peer for stealing their tuna salad sandwich out of communal fridge. I just want to get this over with.”

By Sage Cristal

Content Editor ver the past weekend, billion dollar research institution ONYXX published a report with the most recent findings of their five-year long investigation into the automation of observational joke production. The president of ONYXX, James Moore, released the report which revealed that scientists have finally discovered the deal with airline food, thereby rendering observational comedians useless. Researchers at ONYXX pinpointed the official deal with airline food as being related to how altitude affects your taste buds. Moore told reporters during a press release, “There was a linear relationship in the expanding logarithmic molar concentrations compared with taste hedonicity in relation to intensity ratings.” To explain it in terms of the newly perfected, automized Comedy Bot, “Basically the deal with airline food is that it tastes like my motherin-law’s cooking. Badum-tss.” Shortly after the report was published, the entertainment industry started its mass production of the Comedy Bot which gained notoriety for having the physical attributes of Chris Rock. The Comedy Bot is also equipped with jokes from comedy legends such as Jerry Seinfeld, Mel Brooks, Larry David, and other Jewish men. The Comedy Bot also has various joke settings; the more popular settings are “STORIES FROM ADOLESCENCE,” “MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKES,” and “UNINFORMED POLITICAL COMMENTARY.” Some comedy club owners couldn’t be happier with the recent findings. George Capalooza, owner of San Diego’s Chuckle Hut, told reporters that business has never been better. Capaloo-

za said, “It’s so much better than those struggling college students who are trying to share their talents with the world. Maybe it’s because those kids remind the rest of us of our abandoned dreams. Anyway, the joke machine doohickey works fine. Yesterday, I accidentally pressed the ‘FOR MALE AUDIENCES ONLY’ button and it just told stories about all the women it would never date for an hour and a half. I gave it three and a half stars on Amazon.” However, many comedy fans were unhappy with the report with some even disagreed with the findings. One local standup comedian, Jason Frigor, openly opposed the scientific solution to the age-old joke. “You can’t quantify the deal with airline food. You can’t measure the amount of joy a child feels when they hear that joke for the first time ever. You should have seen my expression after I had my first airline peanut. What was I saying? Oh yeah. You can’t attach a numerical value to the hours I have spent agonizing over the deal with airline food. Well, you could, but you’d be at it for a while.” In response to the ONYXX report, Frigor launched his own national comedy tour called “Search for the Real Deal” in which Frigor will be appearing in 13 states to share his own perspective on the deal with airline food. Although only 16 tickets in total have been purchased for his show, Frigor remains optimistic. “As long as airline food tastes like regurgitated beef jerky, comedians like me will be able to find work.” For those who are interested in Frigor’s “Search for the Real Deal,” you can purchase discounted tickets on reddit.com/r/redditbay with the code: FREETIX.

We’re suckers for you

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February 7, 2018

Newe

Guide To

Presidential

Percentage of Bab Kissed by Candidat

Elections

19%

67% Unity United 14%

United

We Break Student Government Better

Candidate: Chad Crusso ◊ I guarantee that as your AS president, I won’t resign immediately ◊ I promise to be 100 percent opaque ◊ I’m just doing this for the B spots

Slate: Free

ARSO

Student elections are fast approaching! Be sure to exercise your right as a well-informed college student and read the bare minimum about our student government candidates. This guide was made just for you, and it guarantees only the most basic information possible on each slate so that you can feel like you know what you’re doing while voting.

Slate: Unity

Fre We

*Friends to Feline

(they kiss kittens)

Weed

Free Weed Candidate: Daniel Clinton ◊ My standards are as high as I am ◊ If I become president HDH will stand for Housing, Dining, and Hallucinogens ◊ For every problem I solve, I will cause two more

theMQ.org

February 7, 2018

Page 7

est Stats Comparing Slate Candidates

◊ I sling neither mud nor cats ◊ I support FURst generation students ◊ I throw fewer cats into trees

frie n feli ds to nes

U Un ni it ty ed

Friends to Felines

ARSON

Unity United Free Weed

% 15

number of cats

Friends to Felines

ARSON

Free Weed

Unity United

Candidate: Margaret Bush

15%

A CATalyst for change

to Felines

Slate: Friends

es )

n so

103

Success rate at parking a spin bike

<1%

Number of Cats Saved from Trees by Candidates

ee eed

Number of Cats Thrown

in Trees by Candidates

number of cats

bies tes

15%

Write-In Candidates

Slate: ARSON May the Coffee Carts We Burn Light the Way

Candidate: Blain Pyre ◊ I promise to blackmail anyone who gets in my way ◊ I’ll make sure every student graduates with a bachelor’s ◊ I’ll burn your food so Cafe V doesn’t have to

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February 7, 2018

CBS Greenlights New Series “Young Frasier”

High Schools Nationwide Castrate Student Body as Part of a Sex Education Initiative

PHOTO By jessica ma

“Is this what sex feels like?” asked one student as the deed was done. By Quoc Tran

PHOTO By Matthew Mcmahon

Production for “Young Frasier” was later paused after the actor playing young Frasier began going through a nasty divorce. By Brandon Moguel

Staff Writer n the wake of CBS’s smash success “Young Sheldon,” audiences should expect to “hear the blues a-callin again” as the network has confirmed its intention to revisit its 90’s hit “Frasier” but with a twist: Its titular character will be nine years old. The series will follow the childhood of Dr. Frasier Crane growing up in Seattle, Washington. There, CBS president Les Moonves promises “the same clever banter between Frasier and his brother Niles over the merits of Freudian and Jungian psychoanalytic theory, but they’ll be kids so it’s cute n’ shit.” Moonves continued, stating, “We actually considered having the show be led in by ‘Young

Cheers,’ but production fell apart after the first taping. The little sons-of-bitches couldn’t handle their liquor.” Despite that setback, Moonves noted, “It’s a tried and true model in show business. Take an already successful program whose premise has begun to run thin, and change the age of the characters. Suddenly audiences think it’s a whole new show, and since they’re already familiar with the characters they’re naturally drawn to watch. The ‘Baby Looney Tunes’ method is what we call it in the showbiz industry.” The roles that members of the original cast might play in the new series have yet be finalized. Kelsey Grammer has passed on an offer to narrate

series, saying, “The role of Frasier Crane is behind me; It’s time for somebody else to scramble those eggs and toss America’s salad.” However the network has still made plans to work around this by using snippets of Sideshow Bob’s dialogue, and it will introduce a childhood nemesis named “Bart.” Eddie, the Parson Russell Terrier, will also not return since he, Spuds MacKenzie, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua famously perished in 2006 when their single engine plane crashed just outside of Clear Lake, Iowa. John Mahoney is seeking to reprise his role as Frasier’s father, Martin Crane. However, Mahoney has aged significantly since 1993 and has instead been offered to play Frasier’s grandfather which

Mahoney has reportedly rejected, instead suggesting to CBS, “Gimmie dat Rogue One face CGI.” Negotiations are reportedly ongoing. Moonves has indicated that “Young Frasier” may be the first of many to come. “If this ends up becoming a hit, there’s no telling the kind of goldmine we could be sitting on. Just think about it?! Macgyver defusing a bomb in the mayor’s office with duct tape and a banana peel, and then rushing home cause it’s a school night. Perry Mason defending an accused murderer in court, and then requesting a five minute recess cause he wants to play on the swings. As long as audiences are looking to get wasted, we don’t mind putting old wine in prepubescent bottles.”

Computer Science Department Gets New Lab, It’s Adorable

Staff Writer

s part of a new sexual education initiative that went into effect on February 1st, school districts nationwide have started castrating students in high school. The initiative was passed by Congress in late 2017 as an effort to further prevent teen pregnancy. Public opinion is currently mixed, but school officials assure parents that full implementation of the program will reduce unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases by at least 50 percent. While castration is currently optional for high school students, the new law has a provision that requires all students graduating high school by the spring of 2020 to be castrated. Public health officials regard this move as a huge victory for the unwanted pregnancy cause. However, a small, but vocal, minority of critics fear that the permanent nature of the castration may lead to a sharp drop in birth rate in the near future. Senator Feinstein from California, on behalf of Coalition to Uncastrate American Students, publicly denounced the law: “We believe that the government should uncastrate American students.” Susan King, a representative from Planned Parenthood, lauded the bipartisan effort to spearhead the bill through Washington. She calls the new initiative “a step in the right direction,” but she fears that once everyone has been castrated, Planned Parenthood

may be shut down, and she might be out of a job. Along with the press release, King attached her resume. Students nationwide have had different reactions to this new initiative. Eric Pratt of Wisconsin took to Twitter to express his thoughts about the castration requirement, tweeting: “i wanna keep my dick this new law is whack.” Simon Lee, a 16 year old from Nebraska, echoes Pratt’s opinion, telling reporters: “I don’t want to be castrated.” Not all share the same sentiment, however. Karl Holmes from Stars Hollow High School in Connecticut told reporters, “It’s not really a big deal. I don’t really get laid anyways.” Projections from the Centers for Disease Control show that teen pregnancy is on a sharp decline and will virtually be eradicated by 2022. The same projection also notes a possible eradication in all pregnancies in the United States by 2040 unless researchers can develop a way to reverse physical male castration before then. Analysts from the CDC criticize the law from Washington as a rash move, but President Trump responded eloquently defending the new initiative, tweeting: “Believe me, castration is the best form of birth control on the market, especially if you don’t have health care. Remember my plan to repeal and replace Obamacare? Now it’s looking a lot more like repeal and pray to God for good health! #MAGA #Castrate4Christ”

TOP Ten

Uncommon Ways to Show Love For Your Partner

Freddie worked tirelessly day and night to write a program that told him he was a good boy. By Dan Kaliblotzky

Assistant Content Editor

CSD computer science students recently had a major positive change in their working environment with a new CSE lab added to the building, named Freddie. Reportedly, the new Labrador Retriever’s favorite treats are Beggin’ Strips, and his favorite pastime is playing catch on Warren Field. Many students are discussing how overjoyed they are with the addition of Freddie like first year Grant Xiao: “My day instantly got better the first time I walked into the CSE dungeon. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t even notice that he chewed through my Math 20B notebook. Freddie was really adorable. Also, I might have bombed that second midterm.” Computer science major

Wesley Robertsson shared a similar experience: “I haven’t managed to get past the entrance to the CSE building yet this quarter. Freddie always tackles me and by the time I make it to the door, I’m covered in fur and my lab section is over. I’m on track to fail three of my classes this quarter, but Freddie gets an A in Making My Day Better 101.” Other students report the positive influence of Freddie on their grades. “My friend was giving me the answers to a quiz one day when Freddie ran up to him and distracted him. While I didn’t get those answers, it turns out my friend got a 10/20 on the quiz anyways. Thanks, Freddie!” commented third year Sean Davison. Once considered the most stressed and depressed students in the university, CSE students now enjoy constant happiness and relaxation

most students can only wish for. “I don’t think I’ll be able to graduate in four years anymore because I was playing too much frisbee with Freddie, but who cares about achieving academically when Freddie is achieving in stealing my heart every day!” said fourth year Doug Wilson, grinning. The computer science department announced that it will not replace laptops or backpacks demolished by Freddie but claims that “memories made with Freddie are irreplaceable, which makes up for it.” The daily functionings of the CSE buildings have been revolutionized as a result of Freddie’s influence. To create an effective study environment, there is a new shoe cubby area for Freddie’s enjoyment and a new soundproof wall between the entrance and the remainder of the building which was reportedly constructed to

PHOTO By jessica ma

drown out the chorus of students and faculty vocalizing their enjoyment of Freddie’s fascination with Uggs. A small Chromebook cart has been made available in a sideroom of the building for those with dog allergies, and some suspicious students have been banned from the building because “Freddie didn’t seem to like them, and Freddie likes basically everybody.” One of the offenders, fourth year Grace Johnson, is unhappy with the change: “I had enjoyed my time in this department for so long, and now a dog is keeping me from going to my professor’s office hours? Freddie needs to go.” Other students have chimed in, commenting, “Freddie is the purest being on God’s earth,” “Grace is an ugly bitch,” and “My girlfriend left me for Freddie.”

10. Leave a dead bird on their doorstep 9. Give them your Netflix password 8. Strategically withhold all showings of affection 7. Find them a pretty rock that “made you think of them” 6. Let them be player one 5. Buy two grave plots right next to each other so you can hold hands in death 4. Only partially crop them out of your profile picture on Facebook 3. Use their toothbrush so they can grow accustomed to the taste of your mouth 2. Turn on read receipts 1. Pay for their therapy Have you ever seen a newspaper naked?

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Massive Earthquake Hits Pangea Parking Structure, New Lots Formed

Disney Announces Plan To Acquire Entire State of California

PHOTO By Daniel clinton

Disney’s first action after acquiring California was to rename “citizens” as “cast members.” by Pilan Scruggs

PHOTO By hannah rosenblatt

University officials reported that due to continental drift, in 50 years the Muir Parking Lot is expected to be the parking lot for Sixth College. By Declan Sullivan

Staff Writer

t 10:39 p.m. on February 4, UC San Diego suffered a massive earthquake, reaching an 8.2 on the Richter Scale. University officials have stated that although no one was injured during the event, multiple buildings have been deemed structurally unsafe. Many students were off campus for the weekend, sparing them from any danger, much to the disappointment of several Teaching Assistants who were hoping for a day or two off. Strangely, the earthquake was centralized around the Pangea Parking Structure, causing several large cracks to split the building in two. These faults began drifting apart from one another with the newly named Laurasia Lot slowly moving towards the Marshall dorms, and the Gondwana Lot moving in the direction of ERC’s residences.

To delay this drifting process, campus security has stretched several lengths of duct tape between the two structures. When asked about what effect this would have, they responded, “It’s about all we could afford with what’s left of UCSD’s construction budget. We’re tapped out until the tuition hike hits.” UCSD Regents began efforts to raise tuition although a head of construction was reported saying, “No plans have been made to allocate the extra funds towards this issue, so we just assume that they’re lining their pockets, ready to run.” In response to the aftermath of the earthquake, Chancellor Khosla commented, “Hey, this is UCSD. We break things better, and if it’s broke, don’t fix it.” Rather than allocating funds to repair the damages, Chancel-

lor Khosla has announced that the university needed another physical sciences building. The largest casualty from this event was the loss of a prime smoking spot for those who partake in activities to relieve them of a multitude of maladies. When asked why many students refer to it as “a tragedy,” one local responded, “It’s such a shame; now I have nowhere to relieve my back pain.” He then marveled about how his toes were just shorter fingers and how “like, don’t you just feel that, like, sometimes you’re somewhere else.” Several rolls of caution tape and a couple LEDs hot glued to traffic cones have been used to ward off anyone entering the premises as a large chasm had formed as a result of the fracture. The split reached a depth of at least 21 miles, allowing for a view of the mantle. Many students began

to believe that this event was the beginning of the construction of Seventh College. “I got an email that had ‘CONSTRUCTION ALERT’ in the subject and deleted it immediately as usual, so I just presumed this is what that was for,” said one unconcerned student. “Sixth College is already hell, so I figured Seventh would just be a little more literal in that sense.” For many students, this chasm answered the long wondered question of “where are all of UCSD’s new colleges going to go?” One excited student said, “I hear that 10 Thousand Degrees has some fantastic spicy ramen.” Others berated this idea, complaining that “Housing Dining and Hades is just extorting students for as much money as possible; it’s literally run by the devil.”

Obitchin’uaries Have you found yourself in need of a last minute obituary? If your friend or family member has just passed and you’d rather die than write the obituary yourself, then come on down to Obitchin’uaries — although if you die, then that’s just more business for us!

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Staff Writer

ate last night, Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, took the general public by surprise by tweeting that the company had started drafting plans to purchase the state of California. “Rest assured, we’ve got extremely exciting plans,” Iger explained. “After we get through the openings of Pixar Pier and Star Wars land, we’ll really be able to put them into effect. I can tell you with confidence, though, that the first order of action will be to extend the Monorail up to Sacramento at its northernmost end and San Diego to the south. Depending on how much you would be willing to pay, you could ride in a car that supplies meals, plays ‘Frozen’ nonstop, or even has its own teacup ride inside the monorail car.” Iger’s proposal would likely replace the still-stalled California High-Speed Rail project. He said that he saw this as an opportunity not only to extend the iconic Disneyland park attraction into the daily lives of ordinary citizens, but also to break into the public transportation business. When asked why he wanted to replace a train that could run at up to 220 mph with the Monorail, which is only capable of reaching 30 mph, Iger said that it was all about the “experience.” Iger explained, “People love Disney! Besides, I’m sure that nobody will object to a 12hour trip between Los Angeles and San Francisco if it’s aboard the Monorail experience.” Responses to the company’s decision have been primarily negative, but the chief creative officer at Pixar Animation, John Lasseter, emerged from his sabbatical just to declare his wholehearted support of Iger’s decision. “Just think about it,” Lasseter mused, embellishing

the idea. “With the Monorail more accessible to a larger population, the possibilities are infinite. Just think, instead of having to park and take the bus or tram to the park, you could leave the evening before, sleep on the Monorail, and wake up in the park! How cool is that? Red-eye rail!” However, most of the general public seems to think otherwise. According to a Strawpoll created by user “ihatedisney89748932,” 5435 out of 6574 respondents indicated that they absolutely despised the idea. The remaining 1139 said that they disliked the idea. “I’m absolutely disgusted with their greed. Disney used to have my utmost respect, but after they purchased Marvel, I haven’t been able to support them. How could they do that? How could they group the Avengers together with Goofy? I’m finished and fed up with them,” reported an angry annual passholder. “I never thought I’d say this,” groaned San Jose resident Jiexi Wang, “But driving the I-5 for my weekend trips to Disneyland seems like a good idea.” While the massive extensions to the Monorail seem to be Iger’s proudest proposal, he has leaked other propositions, including the introduction of self-driving Autopia cars, apartment complexes themed around Disney movies, and a Matterhorn-esque ride that would take riders up and down Half Dome in Yosemite National Park. He even admits that he wants to make it a law that all members of the state legislature cosplay as Disney characters while in session. “I just want to remind everyone that this is not Disney trying to take over California or anything,” Iger added, “But wouldn’t it be sort of neat if we did?”

We don’t just smell the flowers, we taste them

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February 7, 2018

Dating App Matches Students Based on Laptop Stickers

Local Man’s Seasonal Depression Revealed To Be Regular Depression

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

Anderson’s psychiatrist recommended he go on a vacation which, in layman’s terms, means “go fuck off somewhere else.” By Laura Pedrosa

Staff Writer ntil late last Wednesday, local man Jeremiah Anderson was believed to have been suffering from seasonal depression. It wasn’t until further inspection by those close to him that Anderson was concluded to be experiencing “regular depression.” However, despite this revelation, Anderson remains resolute that he is only experiencing seasonal depression. When asked by reporters what set off his seasonal depression, Anderson became agitated, saying that he “was not depressed because his wife ran away with another man, but in fact because it had rained on Tuesday.” He further explained that he “did not care if Jessica and the kids were gone, he’d never really cared for them anyway, even if they had in fact left just before their anniversary without leaving a note, and yet taking with them all the food in the house.” Despite this explanation, many close friends and relatives of Anderson voiced more concerns about his mental health now than they did before hearing it. When asked whether his depression was, in fact, “seasonal” or a simple result of his family abandoning him, Anderson seemed confused as he claimed that “the season of February is making me depressed, so of course I have a seasonal depression.” After some friends suggested Anderson see his therapist, Baily Contrum, told reporters that Anderson sorely misunderstood what “seasonal depression meant.” “Although Jeremiah truly attempted to describe his crippling depression in the

U PHOTO By daniel clinton

While the couple described their meeting as “straight out of a fairy tale,” friends of the couple described it as “straight out of an episode of Black Mirror.” Mishelle Arakelian

Social and Publicity Ottoman

irst impressions matter, and if you spend most of your time with your laptop, chances are the first impression of your laptop matters too. This was the idea that inspired UCSD students to develop a new smartphone application designed to match students based on their laptop stickers that express their interests. The app, “LoveTop,” unveiled just in time for Valentine’s Day which was created with the vision of “connecting the campus together, one stickered laptop at a time.” The dating app’s co-developers are Mark Zhou and Steven Garfield, sophomores and roommates hailing from Warren College. Zhou and Garfield have described laptop stickers as “quintessential to expressing yourself” which is why they have decided to redefine everything

about dating site profiles. Instead of posting semi-flattering pictures of oneself with a weird Snapchat filter, users will upload photos solely of the condition of their laptop case while showcasing every sticker to explain which popculture reference it makes. When asked whether students without laptop stickers would be eligible to participate, Zhou and Garfield exchanged a glance and let out nervous chuckles. The app developers did not appear to believe that those kinds of people existed, and Zhou replied, “Well, I guess there are some losers out there. I don’t think our app would even help them out. Who would they match with? Themselves?” Garfield, looking especially perplexed, added, “How would people project their personality if their interests aren’t plastered on the cas-

ing of a rubberized, plastic hard shell case purchased off of Amazon for a couple of bucks? What we are proposing here is rudimentary and fundamental to how people connect around the campus. We are just facilitating this connection through our app.” The app also lets users distinguish between people who have stickers placed on the actual laptop rather than on a case. The app also lets users further filter the methodology behind the placement of stickers, so they can meticulously place each sticker so it occupies its own sphere of space, give equal consideration to the color coordination and juxtaposition of each sticker in the larger picture, or if they were placed haphazardly with tons of overlap, the result is an amalgamation of stickers which give off the “effortless cool” persona.

After extensive beta testing, there have already been some success stories. Rosa Murphy, a freshman from Warren, has noted that just by having free stickers handed out on campus, she has been able to match with her current boyfriend, Jacob Sarkissian. The app matched them together after assessing that both of them received a free KSDT Mystery Machinelooking sticker from Welcome Week festivities. Speculation has emerged saying that big-name technology companies in Silicon Valley are interested in this app. The developers noted that they could “neither confirm nor deny” any of the rumors, but they could verify that they will always have a date for “those lonely Friday nights.”

East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased By Samantha Cane Assistant Copy Editor

espite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures along with other obscure weather patterns are expected to decrease in severity. These scientific observations have lead to a nation-wide consensus to cease all global warming preventive measures. Various meteorologists have reported that the east coast had experienced drops reaching as great as 50 degrees, much lower than anticipated predictions. According to one scientist from a Nevada weather station, it is safe to assume global warming will no longer be a problem. The scientist, who requested anonymity, argued, “The East Coast did go through a lot of struggles with this cold spike. I mean, that’s terrible, but these super cold temperatures mean that the Earth stopped warming up! I mean, we haven’t gotten snow here in over ten years, so global warming must be done for.” In response to this recent scientific development, scientists have voiced concerns about how President Trump will react. One scientist from an Arizona weather station, who requested anonymity, commented, “I know he’s skeptical of us — modern scientists, I mean. But I’m really worried that he’ll misinterpret what these extremely cold temperatures mean. He might think global warming is real or something stupid when really it’s just the opposite!” However, this past

best way he knew how, he seemed to have a very literal understanding of the actual meaning of ‘seasonal’ as he mistook a seasonal depression for a depression caused by his newfound hatred of the February season, typically associated with love and romance.” Contrum also told reporters that she had to refer Anderson to an allergist because throughout his therapy session he had been wheezing and sneezing due to what Anderson referred to as “seasonal allergies.” “I did all of the available tests on Jeremiah,” said George Fleetman, Anderson’s allergist. “And the results showed that his allergies seem to be triggered particularly by dust and dandruff. When I told this to Jeremiah, his eyes started to water and his face got puffy. I couldn’t really tell if he was crying or if his allergies were acting up, but either way he protested my professional opinion and stormed out of my office. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’d say he has ‘seasonal anger issues,’ I’d probably refer him to an anger management specialist.” So, after all, perhaps Anderson was not enduring a seasonal depression, as it has been exposed in this report, but a simple depression. However, there may be a new case to uncover in Anderson’s health as he also claims to suffer from a serious case of “seasonal allergies.” These allergies seem to be triggered particularly by dust and dandruff, but Anderson allegedly defends their seasonal nature as dust and dandruff are not always present in his house but only “seasonally” when the house has not been cleaned.

TOP Ten

Similarities Between Cramming for a Test and Preparing for Nuclear Fallout

PHOTO By jessica ma

Scientists were confused when reexamining the ice sample to find it had disappeared, and the microscope was strangely wet. December, many families lost their homes, and some their lives, during devastating wildfires that frequented California, leaving many to question if climate change has truly ended. Dr. Evans, a Californian climatologist who was personally affected, has avidly argued against the anti-global warming wave: “I’m honestly horrified. I don’t know what’s worse, the Earth deteriorating before my eyes or these dumbasses who call themselves scientists. Once I rebuild my house and buy a new dog, I’ll do more outreach opportunities and spread the word that people need to be afraid of this global warming threat, and that climate change is real.” In the midst of his peer’s anticipation for President Trump’s response, Dr. Evans commented, “California literally went up in flames

these past few months, but that’s just normal, I guess?” After voicing his contrasting view, Dr. Evans allegedly received hate by other scientists, with some even threatening to burn down his new house. According to most of the hate mail, his view is a cause for concern by his criticizers due to its potential influence over the public, specifically Trump. A scientist who purportedly contacted Dr. Evans after his controversial comment disguised his voice over the phone to give this statement: “If Evans keeps this shit up, we won’t get government funding for our research departments. Of course Trump is going to assume global warming just suddenly stopped, but if we agree with him for once, then maybe he’ll finally get us funded.” Dr. Evans is reportedly

residing and surviving in his lab to focus on his research after being ostracized by his peers. While fumbling with his sleeping bag, Dr. Evans stated, “You know, now that I sat down and really thought about it, I’d like to change my statement. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been smoking too much weed, and I’m a little paranoid. I think that it may have been a lit joint that burned down my house, but that’s besides the point. I’ve realized global warming and climate change is not a problem anymore, and it actually never was!” In his excitement, a check for 100 grand slipped out from his sleeping bag. When asked to elaborate, Dr. Evans yawned loudly, gestured to the exit, and claimed he was too tired to continue the interview.

10. If you’re not dead afterwards, you’ll wish you were 9. No matter how much you study, it’s not going to change the outcome 8. You haven’t eaten in the last 12 hours, and you aren’t sure you’re going to eat in the next 12 either 7. You lock yourself in a small room and wait for ultimate destruction 6. Once the dust settles, all that will remain is a half eaten Twinkie 5. You’re thinking really hard on how you’re going to get them back when it’s CAPE time 4. The time for negotiations are over. The only thing you can do now is prep 3. You forgot to bring a Scantron 2. You shot a man in Geisel for the last water bottle 1. This is just the prelude to an even greater catastrophe

February 7, 2018

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Antitrust Laws Break Up the PornHub Network, Ensuring Pornographic Equity

Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs

PHOTO By daniel clinton

Purell now also kills 99.9 percent of college students. By Sam Leaman

Staff Writer arlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana — even in states where its use has been legalized recreationally and/or medically. A few days later, Sessions released another memo which called for the complete removal of alcohol in all hand sanitizing products which, according to Sessions, “has been singlehandedly contributing to the demise of American youth across this great nation.” “Nice try dope heads,” read the memo, “No longer will your fiendish minds be numbed by the addictive substance — I hesitate to even utter its name — that has plagued our society for too long.” The drastic measure caught many by surprise, and in a mere 12 hours, hand sanitizers containing any trace of alcohol were pulled from all shelves. “The new administration whose entire existence relies on the cultivation and spread of conspiracy theories turned Sessions’ dream into reality,” explained political analyst Katherine Monty, “And his excitement can clearly be seen in the militaristic way the new law is being implemented.” The Attorney General has been pushing for the ban since he first took public office as a U.S. Senator in 1997, but he faced considerable opposition prior to the appointment of the current administration. “My grandmother is behind bars right now because she sneezed in line at the grocery store and pulled out her little bottle of hand sanitizer,” remarked Kelvin Klane, one of the many people that has expressed outrage at the excessive use of force from law enforcement regarding the hand sanitizer ban. “She’s 85 years old and they put her in a choke hold for trying to clean her hands … it’s insane.” Since the ban was

PHOTO By daniel clinton

Not pictured: nipples. By Stephen Lightfoot Assistant Graphics Editor

eenagers, adults, and certain senior citizens were shocked last week as a groundbreaking antitrust case, United States v. MindGeek USA Inc., finally reached a verdict, tearing apart the PornHub network. As a result, MindGeek was forced to break apart their network, including websites and studios such as YouPorn, RedTube, PornMD, GayTube, PornHub, Thumbzilla, Tube8, Brazzers, Men.com, Babes. com, Reality Kings, Digital Playground, and many others. Of the websites, MindGeek chose to retain Tube8 as the CEO stated it had significant “personal meaning.” The other domains were taken down and put on auction where bids reached hundreds of millions of dollars. In a move completely unexpected by most of

the bidders, nearly all of the sites were bought by various anti-pornographic groups then promptly shut down. Speaking on the behalf of “Catholics Against Pornography,” Gracie Dodd stated that people around the nation were “finally starting to use their heads when it comes to pornography.” Opponents of groups like Catholics Against Pornography have criticized the anti-porn movement for ruining a “perfectly regulated industry” and “dealing a heavy blow to job creation and potential business owners.” Since the closure of most of PornHub network’s websites, riots have erupted in major cities across the globe. One of the rioters, who has requested anonymity, has been in the streets since the websites went offline. “What happens when you can’t find any porn? You go out and burn down some

private property!” the rioter shouted, their face ecstatic, as they threw a molotov cocktail into an artisanal mayonnaise shop which “no-one would miss.” The rioter paused to reflect as the flames roared in the background, stating: “It’s messed up that this is what it has to come to, but it’s only natural to want to burn down local businesses because you can’t relieve yourself. It’s just another way blow off steam, you know?” Other citizens, such as Robert Walz who is a daily visitor of PornHub, have been going through severe withdrawal symptoms following the site’s closure. “I’ll be honest, the lawsuit has really thrown me off balance,” he said. “I would be out there rioting like everyone else, but I can’t stop shaking, and I’ve lost all sense of self. Pretty

soon, I’m gonna be forced to buy a Playboy magazine in the local CVS like some sort of pervert or something.” However, despite the fact that many adult stars are out of a job, many have spoken up and said that the websites’ closure might actually be a good thing. “There are a lot of women who get exploited pretty heavily in porn,” said Vickie Hirsch, a noteworthy adult star with Brazzers. “Not a whole lot of people know the full story, but it’s pretty messed up. There’s tons of assault and other nasty practices that go on behind closed doors. I hope that we can start to end the abuse that happens off camera and end the normalization of abuse that happens on camera.” Hirsch’s statement was, however, met with backlash as many fans just requested that she post videos of herself on Twitter.

New L’oreal Commercial Faces Backlash for Lack of Sex Appeal

Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll

Recently, L’Oreal released its new advertisement, attempting to sell the L’Oreal Active Bonding Mango Scent Anti-Dandruff Maximum Overdrive Hair and Body Wash and Moisturizer. Breaking formula, L’Oreal discarded nudity by replacing it with informative descriptions of exactly how the shampoo worked. “What do you mean there's no shower scene?” exclaimed concerned 14 year old Tim Dunn. “I loved those ads, you know, for the camera work.” Many others included in Tim’s demographic felt the same way, reportedly, taking to 4chan to express their disappointment. Following this outburst, parents began to shame L’Oreal for their actions online although one mother, Sharon Goldwell, reported saying, “The only reason that people are angry is because their sons are starting to come out of their rooms.” When pushed to respond to these allegations, local prepubescent teen Grant Dalton stated, “When your parents monitor your search history, sometimes this is all we can get.” L’Oreal responded to the backlash with the message: “We promise to increase suds in our ads by 100 percent, and for the love of all that is holy, learn about incognito mode.”

At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to knock your fire-resistant socks off.” The new technique draws upon the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” method which was introduced in the late 1970s. However, unlike its predecessor, the IAFF has claimed that the new method is more “hip” for today’s youth, as one is supposed to “rock and roll” as opposed to just rolling. The level of “rocking” is left up to the victim on fire, but the IAFF has suggested that anything between “ACDC” and “Black Sabbath” would be an appropriate and safe rock level. Although the original method was still being taught to children, the IAFF reportedly felt the need to update their lingo, so they could be “way more rad in the eyes of the kids.” However, the new “Stop, Drop, Rock and Roll” technique may have hurt more than helped, as hospitals across the country have reported a tenfold increase of third-degree burns. Doctors claim that many teens have been setting themselves on fire and attempting to do the coolest rock and roll moves to brag on social media about.

brief me up, Scotty Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as "horrific," "traumatizing," and "deserving of free PTO" as the president crawled out of the sewage and flopped onto the second floor atrium. "My goodness, some literal shit-fucking feces is all over the floor!" exclaimed an employee running out of the building. "It was like seeing what I make after Taco Tuesday come back to haunt me," said another. "I promise I won't use the hottest salsa again, I promise!" The chaotic evacuation claimed the life of one worker, Sherry Diep, who was trampled in the confusion. According to her colleagues, she was listening to "Pod Save America" with noise-cancelling headphones and did not notice the mass of humans escaping the mass of human dung. “Pod could save America, but they couldn’t save Sherry,” one coworker choked out. At press time, the president was seen preparing a press release to denounce the EPA's handling of internal environmental hazards.

Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily Annasue Bethanne Patsy-Beth Adelaide Clarabelle Daisy Caroline Fluffy Sparkles Sparklez Destiny Spot Peanutbutter Satan Hellfire Blood Hellraker Emily Watermelon Strawberry Hope Grace Mary Faith Charity Joy Pope XXV Taylor Beyonce Britney Mariah Baby Sporty Ginger Posh Scary Annabelle Johnson. Her parents, Mary Sue Patty Patricia Emma Belle and Bob Johnson, are very satisfied with their name choice. “It holds a lot of meaning to us,” said Mrs. Johnson. “It contains the names of every recorded female family member in my family since we arrived in the United States, even some of the pets. Except for Martha Jackson, that bitch needed to be ostracized from the family after she married a Black man back in 1940. “There’s a lot of our history in it. We considered leaving out our hippie period, but it’s just another part and we’ve grown to accept it.”

announced, microbiologists from around the world have weighed in on the decision, expressing their contempt towards the ban. “I would personally sign a check to Mr. Sessions for one million dollars if he could tell me one benefit of removing the key component to a potentially life saving product,” commented a frustrated virologist. “Does the man know how ineffective this product is without alcohol, and furthermore ... does Mr. Sessions even know what a drug is?” Sessions and the Trump Administration have ignored every warning and scientific study regarding the matter, claiming, “Alcohol being absorbed into the skin is a far greater threat than whatever disease you might catch.” This comment comes as a surprise to many as Sessions is a notorious germaphobe which then raised an entirely new question: Where is all this hand sanitizer going? Allegedly, one of Sessions’s neighbors awoke early Monday morning to the sound of a large construction truck next door. He reportedly opened his back window to see a large gasoline tanker filling the Attorney General’s swimming pool with the recalled hand sanitizer. “I heard this insanely loud beeping noise from some huge truck,” recalled the neighbor, “Then everything went silent for a little bit, and then this high pitched moaning started coming from Sessions’ side of the fence.” The neighbor went on to describe his horror upon seeing Sessions roll around in his swimming pool filled with sanitizer, wearing nothing but a tube top that read “Daddy’s Girl.” Sessions’ sanitizer addiction was not kept quiet for long, and that afternoon the Attorney General attempted to put this story to rest by holding a press conference in which he sternly reassured the American people: “I did not have sexual relations with that antiseptic.”

Giving everyone a platform on print

THE MQ

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February 7, 2018

The MQ’s Guide to Fortune Telling I see in your future ... good fortune ... because you’ve just found this guide to getting your fortune told! The world of divination can be intimidating and overwhelming if you just dive in without guidance. Get a glimpse into your future as someone whose future will be glimpsed into, and you’ll be ready for however the mysterious wheel of fate turns out for you!

Tarot Card Reader “At least you will be alive for this Valentine’s Day although I can’t say the same about your parents.”

Tips:

Don’t panic if a tarot card is upside down! It just means it’s right side up for the fortune teller Counting cards is not effective in this situation Keep it professional and don’t end the session by asking for a second date Make sure your fortune teller can tell the difference between tarot and Yu-Gi-Oh! cards

Palm Reader “Your hands are pretty dry. You should invest in some lotion.”

Tips:

Greet your palm reader with your sassiest “talk to the hand!” Be sure to clean the notes off your hand unless you want your fortune to be “k =0.5mv2” Make sure your fortune teller is not just telling you the plot to one of the “Back to the Future” movies Remember: Palm reading only works if you still have your entire hand

8-Ball “Ask Again Later”

Tips:

Ask again later

Ensure the Magic 8-ball you have can actually read fortunes and wasn’t just taken off of a billiards table While wearing a wizard hat isn’t required, it definitely helps Not even fortune tellers will be able to tell you when your Amazon package will be shipped Drinking the Magic 8-ball liquid will make your prediction correct if your prediction is that you will die

Fortune Telling Machine “To the person with the Honda Civic: Your alarm is going off.”

Tips:

The mechanical fortune teller will always ask for quarters, but if you fold up an index card and fit it in the slot, it’ll probably work Bring your own crystal ball; their rentals are super overpriced Beware of the mechanical fortune teller at Dave and Busters. That thing just eats your quarters Never let your fortune teller look directly in your eyes, otherwise they’ll look deep enough in your soul to be able to steal your identity