THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
You’re not really famous until you’re a Pez dispenser.
- Carrie Fisher
The answer to 9 across
June 6, 2018
Volume XXIV Issue VII
HDH Replaces Dining Hall Meals With Dog Food, Students Deem It an Improvement
In This issue Sun Given a One-Star Yelp Review by NASA
2
The U.S. Imposes Sanctions on the U.S.
4
Sun god scrapbook
6,7
ucsd to Open New Social Engineering Major 2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”
8 10
News in Brief Hobby Lobby Makes Lobbying its Hobby
In addition to Dining Dollars, HDH will now accept sitting, staying, and shaking as a form of payment. By Ethan Coston Staff Writer
L
ast Friday night, HDH announced via email that it will change all dining hall food options to dog food varieties starting Fall Quarter 2018, citing student complaints about food quality. After replacing Mark Cunningham as executive director of Housing, Dining, and Hospitality, Hemlata Jhaveri announced she will change the menus due to “those ungrateful brats that complain about raw meat in their food.” Jhaveri, irritated by complaints about her predecessor’s decision-making, caved to student demands for nutritious, fully-cooked, cost-effective meals. She believes dog food is
truly the best way to increase food quality and lower costs. Keeping with each dining hall’s specialty, vegan and kosher options will be available to students who need it. Revelle College’s 64 Degrees will serve dog food burgers, with MilkBone milkshakes. The markets will sell canned dog food, perfect as a snack to-go or a cheap dinner option for students who prefer not to eat gourmet varieties at dining halls. Roots, the vegan dining hall in Muir College, will serve V-Dog, a brand of vegan dog food comprised of ground corn, beet pulp, and brewers rice guaranteed to improve digestion, aid weight management, and maintain a shiny coat.
Since dog food does not require labor intensive preparation, HDH will not employ as many students as it does this year. While dining hall prices will be significantly lower than they are now, they will still be astronomically higher than off campus pricing for a satisfying bowl of dog food. HDH later released a statement saying that the extra revenue received from the “luxury” pricing of dog food will fund a $100 thousand salary increase for Director Jhaveri as a reward for her direct involvement in designing the dog food meal plan. Jhaveri noted that she worked with Associated Students of UCSD to create a plan that would address the food needs of all students. “I
PHOTO By jessica ma
really think HDH finally realized that many students at UCSD are food-insecure, and providing cheap alternatives will finally help bridge that gap and ensure no student has to go without a meal,” said A.S. President and former A.V.P. of Food and Housing Resources Kiara Gomez. So far, students who believe HDH is finally taking a step in the right direction met the plan with enthusiasm. “I really think HDH is making a revolutionary stride in improving food quality,” Cane Corso, a second-year in Sixth College said. “Once I run out of Dining Dollars, I usually end up sharing my dog’s bowl anyways, so this just means that I don’t have to share anymore.”
Professors Prepare To Return to Void for Summer By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
U
C San Diego professors prepare to return to the void as the Spring 2018 quarter draws to a close. Professors who aren’t teaching during the Summer Sessions will have to give up their living quarters on campus and return to the void until they are needed again for the Fall 2018 quarter when they will be able to return to the physical world to teach at UC San Diego. Professors across campus have begun their annual ritual of shutting off their iClicker stations and packing their chalk back into boxes. After grading finals, many professors will be forced to return to the notoriously cold and unfeeling void. For this reason, many professors opt to put off grading finals, enjoying their last few days in the physical world. Dr. Hank Drayton, a lecturer for the chemistry department, was interviewed in his office,
The Oklahoma City headquarters of prominent evangelical arts and crafts corporation Hobby Lobby has ordered a surprising course change in the company’s direction, with the company now aiming to expand its personnel numbers and redirect them towards lobbying efforts. The arts and crafts supplier will retrain all employees to emit a political message meant to persuade politicians to “protect women from birth control,” “convert the gays,” and “correct falsehoods about our purchase of $1.6 million worth of artifacts from the Iraqi government.” Steve Green, current
company president and son of the founder of Hobby Lobby, has stated in a recent interview that he does not distinguish between business and belief. “God’s given us the ability to be very successful in our business,” Green stated. “And I think, to some degree, that means it’s our duty to be as aggressive as possible in shoving our beliefs down everyone’s throats.” Since all of these employees are being converted into lobbyists, Hobby Lobby has made the decision to immediately relocate all of its personnel to D.C., and house them in the Museum of the Bible.
Headlines Found To Be Most Frequently Read Part of Article In a surprising study, researchers have concluded that the most read part of news articles, regardless of their content, are headlines. The study also found that graphics were the second most frequently viewed part of a news article after headlines, followed by the graphics caption and, finally, the article itself. “If the article’s headline isn’t prominent or a graphic isn’t present, the likelihood of that article even being seen is significantly diminished,” said one researcher. “However, we have concluded that the odds of people reading the article go
up if the headline contains a meta joke.” Other researchers were less optimistic. “Let’s face it,” the lead researcher wrote in the study’s conclusion. “The average person is gonna read our study’s title, and go, ‘Huh, that’s kind of interesting,’ and then they’re going to move on. Honestly, has anyone even read this far? Please, for the love of god, read the whole study. We worked on it for five years — my whole life has revolved around this study. My wife left me because I had to finish this. Please.”
Study Finds Josh
Professor Drayton’s last words were, “Fill out your CAPE evals.” putting his various knicknacks into a box as he prepared to leave our dimension. Dr. Drayton continued packing up, deflating his mattress and dismantling his desk, saying, “It gets quite hot this time of the year, but I can’t really turn
I’d pop that wheelie And I’d hit that throttle
on the air because there’s no air in the void. There’s nothing.” By the end of the interview, Dr. Drayton had stopped packing and started to break down into tears. Some professors, however, have gotten special permission
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
from the university to remain in the physical world for the summer. This will be be Professor Ben Janister’s first time staying at UC San Diego over the summer. “I’m so excited.
See Void, page 2
Local fashion trend gone too far Local man mortgages house to buy more hats
Area middle-aged slacker and unreliable reporter Josh finally decided to show his face again late Monday afternoon after missing a whole three weeks of work and failing to report on several crucial recent stories. For almost a month, Josh was unreachable by his coworkers and, consequently, forced a certain reporter to cover all of his assigned stories. Josh has been a reporter for over four years and a beloved mentor for at least the past two and a half. However, after not showing up to work at 10 a.m. with a warm cup of coffee as he normally does on a typical Thursday, Josh was greatly missed by his colleagues who were forced to report on the previous day’s
basketball game, of which they knew nothing about. Josh continued to not show up to work during the next three days until his colleagues became suspicious that he might be in imminent danger instead of just being burnt out from years of reporting to a boss that regularly takes handouts from ad agencies. After three weeks of absence, Josh finally returned to work after an unannounced vacation to the Bahamas, just over two hours before the next issue of the paper was sent for printing. As a consequence, reporters were forced to publish filler material in order to cover for his gaps in reporting.
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
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June 6, 2018
Sun Given a One-Star Yelp Review by NASA Astronomers
continued from page 1:
Void
I’ve read so much about it but I’ve never experienced summer before,” said Dr. Janister, a professor recently pulled from the void with a PhD with specialties in early 20th century American novelists. For many professors like Dr. Janister, this summer will be the first time they are allowed to enjoy the summer of the physical world, thanks to the greater amount of courses offered during the Summer Sessions. Most professors will be returning to the void within the next few weeks. While proven to be safe, the storage
of human beings in the void has drawn ethical concerns. The University of California Board of Regents has been criticized for this unorthodox use of the void. However, they have argued the void is much cheaper than paying professors wages high enough to allow them to stay. According to meeting notes, a board member confirmed, “We’re planning a pool for the chancellor’s house.” As a result, professors everywhere must say goodbye to their families in preparation for their next stay in the void.
TOP Ten
Reasons You Donated Your Blood Last Saturday
“Damn you, Sun! First you melt the ice caps, then you melt my ice cream,” said the reviewer. By Steven Zhou
O
Staff Writer
nce thought to be the hottest spot in the Solar System, the Sun recently received a shockingly low one-star Yelp review from NASA astronomers. Their reasoning was purely of scientific interpretation, as noted by Dr. Celeste Teal “Our Sun is a single star. One star. It would be a farce for NASA to provide it credit where it is not due.” For several millennia, the Sun has been revered by humans for its energy, from allowing crops to grow to giving light for humans to going about daily life. It has spawned many a tradition around the world, especially during summer solstices, of which many cultures celebrate as a time of good harvest. With this one-star review, locals within the Solar System are noticeably concerned over this precipitous drop in quality of the 4.6 billion-year-old gas orb, and
what it means for the future of human civilization. “I’m an avid Yelp user,” says Don Reed, a concerned 26-year-old resident of Earth, “and I’ve been using the Sun ever since I was born. Never have I once had a problem with it, so this review is surprising.” When asked if he would continue to use the Sun, Reed expressed discomfort with the idea, and is now contemplating using geothermal or lunar energy instead. “It needs to up its game. Otherwise, everyone’s going to leave.” Despite Reed’s concerns, older generations are more optimistic about the future of the Sun’s reputation. A group of elderly San Diegan gardeners recently started the trending “#firssunspot” on Instagram, which they use as a platform to share pictures of the first sunspot their skin had suffered from years of Sun exposure and damage, and to tell the story behind where they got it. One account
holder’s photo, featuring a sizable sunspot on the subject’s forearm, was liked over 100 times and included the caption: “How quickly the young ones grow! @thesun blessed me with this spot 26 years ago, and it keeps getting bigger every year.” They hope by sharing these experiences on a youthful social media platform, they can slowly rebuild the Sun’s deteriorating reputation. Reception on the other side has been fairly mixed, with some grandchildren of these Instagrammers reporting they had arranged for their grandparents’ appointments with oncologists out of concern that they had unknowingly developed skin cancer. Despite this review from NASA, a representative for the Sun has made it clear that there will not be any changes in how the mega-provider of energy will be run. “There is literally no way we can change the process of nuclear fusion. You can ‘Yelp’ all you want
PHOTO By jessica ma
about the Sun, but you can’t change how an enormous ball of flame functions.” The representative also pointed out the billions of humans that the Sun supports at no cost whatsoever. Once reporters switched subjects and began asking about the Sun’s alleged involvement in completely destroying the planet Venus’s stable atmosphere, the representative refused to comment, and asked for more questions about “the Yelp business.” Currently, the Sun has not shown any conspicuous drop in usage from Earth. Wall Street economist Jane Henderson finds this unsurprising and is confident this Yelp review will not lead to a decline in people selecting the Sun as an energy source. “We really have no choice. Unless a majority of us decide to live in Kansas and invest in a windmill, we’re all bound by the Sun’s monopoly over the natural energy industry.”
10. You were out of Dining Dollars and needed the money 9. It was a cute first date idea 8. You’re not sure if you’re anemic, but you’re pretty sure this is the correct way to check 7. You have so much self-hatred that you need to get rid of as much of you as possible 6. There was a shooting and local authorities need blood 5. You love pranking blood donor recipients by first taking a lot of cocaine 4. If you donate four more times this year, you’ll get a free calendar 3. It was either this or that guy on library walk that was gonna make you sign up to vote 2. You didn’t, someone stole your blood 1. You needed a quiet place to study
Made with blood, sweat, and tears. Ink is expensive
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Editor-in-Chief...................Hannah Rosenblatt Managing Editor.........................Daniel Clinton Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Content Editor.............................Sage Cristal Content Editor....................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor.........Dan Kaliblotzky Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Assistant Design Editor....Sophia Landaverde Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma
Copy Editor.................................Rhys Shriver
Assistant Copy Editor........Samantha Cane Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon
Social/Publicity Ottoman..Mishelle Arakelian Distribution Captain.......David Vereau Gorbitz Web Editor................................Lawrence Lee Foreign Correspondent.............Alex Vollhardt MQ Cool Aunt..............................Jaz Twersky Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Assistant Graphics Editor...Stephen Lightfoot
Staff Members
We put the “why” in YMCA
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. I have a lot of trouble trying to imagine a time/instance when this org was not a part of me. Spending the past four years making this paper, and growing alongside of some of the smartest, funniest, and kindest people I’ve met has changed me so deeply that I don’t think I can ever fully separate my identity from my time here. The coalescence of memories, sentiments, revelations, laughs, moments of joy, frustrations, accomplishments, more laughs, and exhaustion is so immense that there is no way I am fitting it in this space, or any other space. I’m not going to try to settle on a few brief anecdotes or acknowledgements here like I usually do, because honestly the idea of deciding on just a few seems too difficult right now. Instead, what I do want to do is to tell all of the continuing and future members of this org to relish in every moment you spend here. Every Top Ten or after-meeting activity will bond you (or possibly already has bound you) together in a way that you most likely won’t find anywhere else. This is your time to be creative, and bold, and silly, and see what it’s like to be fueled solely by your passion, and the passion of those around you. I realize that this all sounds very nebulous, and abstract, and is a very ramble-y way to express my feelings for you all. But I really don’t think I could ever exaggerate how much you all mean to me. I am and will continue to be a better person because of you. Although it is extremely painful and scary to imagine not having this organization be a part of my everyday routine, I feel so incredibly lucky to have experienced it for the past few years. I can’t wait to see what you do and experience and create next year and in the years to come. Thanks again for everything, it’s been a fun ride.
Rachel Berge Isaac Canada Daniel Chit Ethan Coston Frances Debrunner Paola Diaz Chris Doherty Daniel Eliyahu Amin Fozi Levi Friley Jonathan Funes Leo Grabowski Cole Greenbaun Katie Hallsten
Tiffany Hamilton Andres HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Ikran Ibrahim Samprith Kalakata Dylan Knutson Daniel Kupor Sam Leaman Chris Lee Nicholas Martin Rene Mejia Brandon Moguel Natalie Moy
Ryan Martinez Sara Masud Sahil Nayyar Natalia Nenn Annie Nguyen Elizabeth Niculescu Tez Padhee Laura Pedrosa Aniyah Pleasant Kavita Poduri Rohan Rangray Catri Robertson Aaron Rohozinski Pilan Scruggs
Parth Sean Declan Sullivan Angelica Sun Jasmine Terhall Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Jared Williams Marshall Wu Michael Ye Ricky Zhao Steven Zhou
Booster Club Thank you Daniel K, D-Swizzle, Rhys, Stephen (Stevie), Steven (Steve), Mishelle, Sam, Jay, and Sophia for their kind dining dollar donation and for fueling our ever growing sugar-free Red Bull addiction. Thanks Ethan for the generous snacks, Isaac for the Hi-chewables and rehydrating drinks, Chris for the ever present Cheez-Its, and Jay for the bean juice.
theMQ.org
June 6, 2018
Page 3
ICE Raids Funeral, Asks Deceased for Identification
A(n) _____ Graduation Speech (adjective)
I’d like to ____ you all for com(verb)
ing today. Before we begin, I’d like to start with a short prayer from ____
(male name)
____:____. ____, amen. (numbers)
(religious platitudes)
Now that that’s over with, I’d like
PHOTO By Sage Cristal
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can and will be used to determine if you’re actually still alive and can be sent to trial,” said the ICE agent. By Summer Davis Staff Writer
A
new border security policy has gone into effect nationwide, as Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents conduct searches of the funerals of deceased immigrants believed to be undocumented. If the deceased is found to be without papers, President Trump has granted ICE the authority to investigate any family members present at the funeral, as well as deport any undocumented remains. ICE agents are prevented from entering private property without first demonstrating a reasonable suspicion that there has been an immigration law violation. Some have argued that ICE under the Trump administration has overstepped the boundaries of “reasonable,” but the
agency insists that its agents do not act without feeling adequately suspicious. “Some people just look sketchy,” said ICE agent Michael Maynor. “You get a vibe, you know? Like a feeling. An assumption.” At a recent funeral, ICE entered the building in the middle of the service, interrupting the eulogy given by the deceased’s brother to ask him where he was born. They also ordered the deceased, Lea Villanueva, to provide documentation of her citizenship status. When she failed to do so, the agents handcuffed her to the casket. The guests at the funeral objected to the procedure and were questioned as well. The agents detained the deceased’s mother for several days on the basis of her “suspicious behavior.” “She asked us to ‘please
repeat the question’ when we wanted to see her identification because she allegedly ‘couldn’t hear us when we were shouting at her.’ In my experience, that’s a clear sign that someone is hiding something, so we took her down to the detention center,” said Agent Maynor. The Villanueva family is outraged at the treatment but cannot press charges, since the ICE agents’ prescence infringed upon several human rights, but they did not break U.S. law. “There are two groups of people who don’t have to carry around documentation to prove that they are citizens — white Americans and the dead,” said Mark Villanueva. “But I guess now it’s just white people.” Agent Maynor expressed no remorse for his actions, stating, “Technically, she was already separated
from her family.” Immigration activists are preparing for another legal battle over ICE’s actions, anticipating a court date sometime in the year 2028. “Wait, they did what now?” said ACLU attorney Sam Wright, speaking from behind a pile of papers. “We’re still dealing with the last human rights violation. This is going to be our 567th suit against the Trump administration.” However, a majority of Americans support the new policy, citing concerns over immigrants stealing precious casket space. “They’re taking up too many burial plots,” said Texas rancher Blake Ryan. “They should be buried in their own country. If they really wanted to be buried in the U.S., they had their entire lives to get their green card the legal way before dying.”
Police Continue Extensive Manhunt for Area Woman Who Stole Eight Dollars Worth of Lip Gloss
to extend my warmest greetings to all of you. _____! We made it! Can you (warmest greeting)
believe that you all started college here only _____ years ago? There’ve been (high number)
plenty of _____ memories we’ve made. (positive adjective)
I remember eating at _____. [Five min(on-campus eatery)
ute pause as you acknowledge people in the audience who are cheering as they recognize that they’ve eaten at the same place.] And how could anyone forget the time when _____ happened? That was (campus-wide event)
pretty _____, am I right? (reaction)
Of course, along with all of these
_____ memories, there was plenty of
(same positive adjective)
hardship. I’m sure we all remember what it was like to struggle through ______, trying to finish our ______ es(niche humanities topic)
(difficult lower-division course)
says. I know that I couldn’t have done it without the help of ______.
(preferred caffeinated drink)
When explaining her motives, Logan stated, “Because, I’m worth it.” By Sage Cristal Content Editor
L
ocal law enforcement is conducting a high-priority search for UCSD student Helena Logan, who was witnessed stealing eight dollars worth of lip gloss from a local Forever 21, according to police. On Monday morning, authorities released footage from security cameras that shows Logan stuffing a movie-nightthemed pack of flavored lip gloss into her bra before exiting the store without paying. On Sunday, Logan entered the Forever 21 at 7 p.m. with a group of friends. While her friends were purchasing items, Logan took the lip gloss from the checkout line display without employees seeing her. It wasn’t until police received an anonymous
tip that Logan had been seen using the soda-flavored lip gloss that the search for Logan began. In response to finding out she had made La Jolla’s top 10 most wanted list, Logan posted to her Facebook wall on Monday night, “Mmmmm this lip gloss tastes like buttered popcorn, soda, gummy bears, and sour gummy worms all in one! The police couldn’t catch me if they tried.” The police reported on Tuesday that they do not yet have any leads on where Logan may be hiding, but they did receive another anonymous tip that she was planning to rob the Chase Bank in UCSD’s Price Center food court. In preparation for Logan’s next heist, local authorities have requested backup from police departments in
San Diego, Los Angeles, and Tijuana in hopes that other regional law enforcement divisions will be motivated to join in the fight against the crafty and potentially dangerous art history major. Local authorities have also ensured that media outlets were broadcasting news of Logan’s plans. Logan’s pictures, along with her Facebook profile, have been plastered on televisions, computers, and cell phones in the past few days in hopes that someone will contact law enforcement with any information regarding Logan’s whereabouts. As of this morning, an anonymous tip to a local media organization reported that Logan was still in the area, probably living with a friend in one of the Muir
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
College dorms. No official word has been given by law enforcement, but one police officer on the force confided to reporters that a S.W.A.T. team was preparing to rush the dorms. A La Jolla lawyer weighed in on Logan’s legal prospects if caught, saying, “Helena’s in some deep shit. I wouldn’t want to be her right now. Hell — I wouldn’t want to be her lawyer! She’s probably looking at three to five years if she takes a plea deal.” Police are still searching for Logan, and request anyone with knowledge of Logan’s whereabouts contact their local authorities. In the meantime, law enforcement have advised local businesses to keep strict watch on all of their lipsticks, balms, and glosses until further notice.
I think Dr. Seuss said it best
when he wrote, “Oh, the places you will _____!” My colleagues, life after (verb)
graduation will no doubt be ______.
(realistic negative adjective)
But I have no doubt that it will also be ______. Success is 90 percent ______
(word starting with P)
(unrealistic optimistic adjective)
and 10 percent ______; as long as we (bodily fluid)
hold that in our _____, nothing can (body part, plural)
stop us.
Page 4
theMQ.org
June 6, 2018
Graduating Biology Student Pursues Ph.D., Excited To Have Stable Career by Late Fourties
Local Student Avoids Rent by Barricading Himself in North America Hall
By Hannah Rosenblatt Editor-in-Chief
U
CSD student Sarah Rosenberg accepted her fate as a graduate student last Sunday during a brief moment of introspection that was squeezed in between finishing an experiment, submitting an essay she had almost forgotten about, and brushing her teeth. After much emotional turmoil and inner debate occurring predominantly in a 30-minute period while eating the first full meal she had in three days, Rosenberg finally concluded that she was destined to fulfill her dream of five to six more years of rigorous academic study with slim chances of being hired afterwards. “Becoming a Ph.D. student just really seems like the best fit for me at this point in my life,” explained Rosenberg. “I mean, in what other situation am I going to be able to show off my ability to maintain a healthy, work-life balance while still being in a lab setting over 80 hours a week?” she continued as she took alternating swigs of a Yerba Mate energy drink and a locally brewed IPA. “The key,” Rosenberg claimed, “is to remember that no matter how busy you may seem, there’s always time to take a quick two, maybe even three, second break and enjoy the good things in life, like fermented sugars — that and never sleeping. Never sleeping also helps.” Rosenberg was reportedly drawn to biological research since her freshman year at UCSD when she started volunteering in a lab at Scripps Institute of Oceanography. She quickly realized that the incredibly small possibility of discovering something new about how
PHOTO By jessica ma
“This may look clever, but I actually just lost my wallet. If I leave, I’ll never be able to get back in,” said Jackson. By Stephen Lightfoot Assistant Graphics Editor
I
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
“All I need in life are my two best friends, Erlenmeyer and Jack,” said Rosenberg. living things function was all the motivation she needed to work diligently for the better part of her life; a life with an incredibly low success rate and absolutely no guarantee of financial stability. “I am not naive to the fact that NIH and NSF funding rates paint a very bleak future for anyone looking for a research professorship,” stated Rosenberg in between nonchalantly pouring toxic chemicals in various beakers and eating a bagel. “However, I am extremely naive in that my positive attitude and raw passion might not be enough to ensure that I get reliable and steady funding throughout my career.” In spite of her small chances of success, Rosenberg is hopeful that her mul-
titasking capabilities will get her through graduate student and postdoctoral life until she can finally land a salaried position within the next 20 years. When asked about Rosenberg’s time-management techniques, friends and coworkers responded with, “Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t get enough sleep,” “I’ve actually never seen her sleeping,” and “At around 3 a.m. one night, I listened to her opinions on postmodern French philosophies concerning identity formation within a democratic state, and I’m pretty sure she was actually sleep-talking the whole time.” When asked about prospects for potential backup plans, in case a career in academia doesn’t work
out, Rosenberg proceeded to list a long string of local biotech companies offering reasonable starting salaries, benefits, and many opportunities for promotion. When asked why on earth these stable, fulfilling jobs were her second choice of profession, Rosenberg responded, “WHAT? I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THIS MUSIC I’M LISTENING TO, BUT DO YOU WANT TO SEE THIS COOL MICROSCOPE IMAGE I TOOK THE OTHER DAY?” At press time, Rosenberg was spotted shedding a single tear out of both overwhelming nostalgia and excitement about her future while looking through a microscope, accidentally dipping a granola bar into a beaker of salt water, and brushing her hair.
The United States Imposes Sanctions on the United States
n a last-ditch effort to save money, ERC student Arin Jackson barricaded himself in North America Hall late last night. Though initially dismissed as a practical joke by his roommates, they were shocked to find their belongings out in the common room after coming home from a suite dinner. “It’s like he completely moved us out,” one roommate said. “I mean, it’s gonna suck to have to live in the common room for finals week, but he was nice enough to put all of our stuff in boxes. So, you know, small victories.” In an email manifesto directed to the San Diego UnionTribune, Jackson explained his logic as campus police attempted to coax him out of his room. “I am fully aware that locking myself in the same room may lead to cabin fever and potential health problems,” Jackson wrote, “but at the same time, have you seen the cost of storage spaces? Of plane tickets? Of APARTMENTS? I just decided that it would be better for everyone, the school included, if I permanently moved in. Besides, it’s not really like I leave my room anyways. It’ll be like it always is.” Unfortunately for Jackson’s roommates, campus police have been unable to voluntarily remove him. CSOs don’t seem too preoccupied, however. “He’ll have to come out eventually,” commented Sara Horn, a third-year CSO on the scene. “I mean, obviously it’ll take some coaxing, but he’s only a first-year. He’s enrolled for classes next fall. I’m not exactly sure if he thought this through.” Though some students have called for San Diego police to move in so they can “see an arrest firsthand,” police are at a standstill. “Technically, Mr. Jackson
hasn’t broken any laws yet,” said Sergeant Marvin. “His rent is paid for the rest of May, and unless the school decides to revoke his contract, we can’t move in. We plan to use a full S.W.A.T. team and biohazard unit when the time comes.” Though he may seem like an outsider to some, Jackson’s struggle has inspired others to copy his idea with varying degrees of success. Either due to inadequate barricades or lack of provisions, many have given up their copycat attempt at squatting. Additionally, others have shown their solidarity by picketing around HDH’s administrative office, demanding action be taken against rising housing costs with no direct evidence of improvements. “You’d think for a multi-million dollar institution they’d be able to have, I don’t know, decent plumbing?” one protester remarked. “Someone flushed the toilet while one of my suitemates was showering, the water temperature suddenly shot up, and she essentially melted. I guess I understand that Sixth College needs new tables, but that doesn’t quite seem like the priority we should be focusing on.” In a second email manifesto, Jackson praised his fellow students for fighting against what he called “The tyranny of HDH,” but he warned that much work would need to be done. “I’m just one person, and eventually they’ll kick me out, but they can’t evict us all. It may seem ridiculous at times, but we must unite! Only together can change occur! Only together can we avoid paying rent like we all should!” Currently, Jackson’s only other plan for protest reportedly includes hundreds of people eating live chickens to protest UC San Diego’s inhumane working conditions for the student employees doing food preparation.
TOP Ten
Ways To Waste Your Summer Vacation “You’ve gotta get ‘em before they get you,” said Trump as he prepared to stab himself in the back. By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
P
resident Trump announced Tuesday that the United States would impose economic sanctions on the United States. These sanctions are the latest in an ongoing trade war between the United States and its trading partners in Europe and Asia. Tariffs will be imposed on steel, oil, light gray inflatable couches, corn, and a variety of other common imports. When asked about the reasons for these sanctions, the President swore to protect the United States’ economic interests in the United States. Pushed for more details, he cited the sale of buffalo wings, a major export of Buffalo, New York, in places ranging from Florida to Montana as a primary reason for these sanc-
tions. “I will bring back jobs in the buffalo slaughterhouses to the citizens of the fine city of Buffalo,” he exclaimed during the press conference. Cameron Michaels, a professor of foreign policy and economics at the University of Chicago, expressed worries that these sanctions could start a trade war between the United States and her close ally, the United States. Citing historical examples, Michaels offered a detailed description of a series of ever escalating tariffs and sanctions between the two nations. However, Michaels was quickly disparaged by his colleagues, including Winston Day, a professor of domestic policy and economics at DeVry University, for commenting on matters outside his realm of study. When asked for a state-
ment, Day told Michaels to “stay in his own lane and leave issues of domestic economic policy to the experts,” but offered no comments on the actual sanctions before hurrying to leave, avoiding other reporters. Reacting to the sanctions imposed upon the United States, the United States Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, stated that he would not hesitate to retaliate with more extensive and extreme tariffs. “These countries have hurt our economy for far too long and it’s time to strike back,” Pompeo said at the same press conference and ended his statement declaring that, “I am sure that the United States will win any trade war that ensues.” He would not clarify which United States he meant. Public opinion was mixed
PHOTO By Sage Cristal
on these sanctions, but the overwhelming reaction was one of confusion. However, there were polarizing opinions on the steel tariffs. Kenneth Lee, a steelworker from Michigan, was ecstatic, telling reporters, “These steel tariffs that we imposed on the United States will be very good for our company. It’s been tough competing with this cheap American steel flooding our fine nation.” Lee’s wife, Kara, also an employee at the same steelwork company, had the opposite sentiment, telling reporters, “The sanctions imposed on us will lead to some tough times ahead. The United States steel market was our primary importer, but I’m glad that my husband is predicting a boom in business. This will make up for my losses.”
10. Work an unpaid summer internship to get “experience” 9. Fry an egg on the sidewalk and get food poisoning 8. Live-tweet the 36 hours you spend in bed 7. Write letters to Santa for everyone in your hometown 6. Deepthroat an Otter Pop 5. Go to Castles N’ Coasters, Arizona’s finest amusement park — Sponsored by Castles N’ Coasters, Arizona’s finest amusement park 4. Marathon that show you’ve already seen twice 3. Try to increase your Twinkies-eaten-per-hour rate by five 2. Stare at the sun 1. Attend summer session
June 6, 2018
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Secretary of the Interior’s Attempts To Shrink Yellowstone Thwarted by Bear Cub
EDITORIAL
The U.S. Abandoned the White Working Class, Now Two Government Goons Are Gonna Raid My Homestead
By Robert “Goddamn” Bennet
And Don’t You Dare Tell Me Otherwise
T PHOTO By Jessica Ma
The conservative administration learned to regret supporting the right to bear arms. By Pilan Scruggs
A
Staff Writer
fter two weeks of conversing with petroleum companies, conservationists, legal authorities, President Trump, and his own wife, Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke finally got the support he needed to push forward with a plan to designate roughly 15 percent of Yellowstone National Park’s land area for fossil fuel extraction. To celebrate, Zinke borrowed taxpayer money and flew himself and his family to Yellowstone to deliver an elaborate speech commemorating the occasion. However, before he was able to finish his opening sentence, he discovered that he lost his audience to an endearing grizzly bear cub some 50 feet behind him. “It’s unbelievable just how quickly that happened,” Zinke commented. “I mean, the thing just lazily strolls by without doing anything and suddenly it’s the star of the
show and everyone’s in love with it — wish that would happen to me.” Zinke’s attempts to recapture his audience’s interest were entirely futile. Within two minutes, even his wife and children had left to go see the cub and make noises of admiration. Finally, Zinke called a park ranger to the scene, hoping to get some assistance regaining his crowd’s interest. To his dismay, it took almost 45 minutes for a ranger to arrive. The ranger who finally showed up to the scene, Pauline Fredrickson, later revealed that she had not come by choice. “As soon as they told us it was him, we all started protesting,” recounted Frederickson. “Even after I literally drew the short straw, I still refused to go. I was only convinced to do it once my coworker, Sarah, bribed me with a huckleberry pie, and she told me that she would deal with the next time someone gets bitten by deer because they
wanted to feed it.” Regardless, Fredrickson did not do anything past asking the visitors to step back from the cub, warning that its mother must be nearby. “And then they all just stared at me open-mouthed,” she recalled. “So I told them to back off unless they wanted to end up like Leo in ‘The Revenant,’ and that worked much more effectively than trying to explain how protective mother bears are of cubs.” Zinke still had no luck giving his speech, and he vented his frustration by taking away his wife’s phone as she tried to take a selfie with the cub. Finally, he was approached by a journalist who asked, “Sir, what will happen to this bear when you shrink the park?” Five other reporters followed his lead and asked the same question. “I was astounded at that,” Zinke confided. “Here I am trying to make a case for how much I’m contributing to the
longevity of the U.S. economy and all these bozos just want to know what’ll happen to one insignificant bear.” On the contrary, the bear proved to be rather significant, as within the hour, images of the cub were circulating all over social media, trending with “#savesmokey” in reference to the ursine icon of American forests. Before morning, disdain for Zinke had grown to such astronomical proportions that he was forced to withdraw his proposal to shrink the park. “I’m not even sure what his whole speech was about,” commented his daughter Jennifer. “But it doesn’t matter. I got to see a super cute baby bear.” “You know what angers me the most?” the secretary lamented. “People are calling this thing ‘Smokey.’ My son keeps telling me that I’ve been burned by the mascot of wildfire prevention.”
Choose Your Own Adventure: Summer BBQ Welcome to the adventure of a lifetime: A casual summer BBQ, and you’re planning it! To embark on your quest for the perfect outdoor party, start at scenario number 1 and follow your path! 1. Where do you get your supplies?
a. Target - go to number 6 b. Home Depot - go to number 7 c. Domino’s - go to number 6 on page 11 d. Your neighbor’s house for hamburger patties - go to number 3
2. Well, that was awkward. Let’s just get ourselves together and be a good host, yeah?
a. Time to host like you’ve never hosted before. Let’s get this BBQ going! - go to number 9 on page 11 b. The best hosts host the dankest parties. Go to a dispensary go to number 5
3. When you said you wanted your neighbor’s “meat patties,” they thought you meant sex, and now your neighbor is cheating on their wife with you.
a. These aren’t the kind of buns you were looking for. The party is about to start now anyways, so let’s go back home - go to number 2 b. You decide to live in the now and go wherever your day takes you. Let’s be adventurous! You ask your neighbor to come to your party for round two - go to number 4
4. You’ve never felt so alive! But the guests are coming!
a. Get yourself together and start the BBQ! - go to number 9 on page 11 b. Invite them to join! - go to number 5 on page 11
5. You got supplies at a dispensary. When all of your guests arrive, you only have weed, and your entire family gets high a. Let’s bring in a fire dancer to spice things up! - go to number 5 on page 9 b. Well, I guess you need some music to really get the party started - go to number 7 on page 9
6. You go to Target intending to buy party supplies and snacks but leave only with an avant-garde lamp. Where do you go now?
a. Remember, you had some supplies at home - go to number 8 b. Let’s try your neighbor’s house. You lent them some burger supplies for their last party, go see if they have any left - go to number 3
7. You go to Home Depot not really knowing what to buy, so you buy supplies for a treehouse. What next? a. Go home and build that treehouse! - go to number 8 b. What would a treehouse be without some tree to go with it? Let’s head over to a dispensary go to number 5
8. You’re at home. Isn’t this nice?
a. Yeah, let’s build a treehouse - go to number 3 on page 11 b. At this point, you should gather supplies you already have at home so you can start this party! - go to number 9 on page 11
he upstanding, white, rural, patriotic, libertylovin’, hippie-hatin’, community has been left behind. Neglected. Taken for granted. How do you “Snapchat fiends” say it? Ghosted. I’m no college crybaby, these aren’t my “feewings,” these are facts, true as the guitar solo is long. And you know what else is a fact? Joe Pesci is trying to break into my goddamn house. That’s right — ever since the beginning of the end (Nov. 4, 2008), Obozo and his merry crew of coastal elites have turned a blind eye to that core constituency of American Microwavable TV-Dinner Eaters (A.M.T.D.E.). But it’s not just the Logan County branch of the A.M.T.D.E. that feels this sweep of abandonment. No, not even here in the “booby trap” section of my local Dollar Tree can I escape the weight of liberal indifference towards my struggles. But there is something else I cannot escape, something as invasive as the government’s reach into my pockets and as disturbing as the thought of a Warren-Biden-Clinton Cerberus. As summer nears, I know what horror must come knocking on the hand-built cabin my father worked his whole life on, died outside of, and was buried under. Daniel Stern and Joe
Pesci have come to impart their socialist agenda on me. Back in my bedroom, which used to be my childhood bedroom and is now my son’s childhood bedroom, I am preparing for the end. That which we’ve known to be true for a while now — that the follies of “HandoutWood” would catch up to us all, even the noblest coal canaries. And now they are here, here to turn over the smoke-stained couch at the heart of America and lay waste to everything that is holy and capitalistic. Here to leave nothing in their wake but a check from MSNBC to Obozo’s deep state covered in the jizzum of the American public. “Thanks for the ratings,” reads the memo line. But Joe Pesci is gonna need more than a star on some sidewalk if he wants to enter this domicile. So let me lay it out for you, Joe — your options for trying to take what’s left of this once great nation from me. Try entering from the front door. You’ll be greeted by more 12-gauge shells than my brother Eugene can count, all fired simultaneously from a contraption of young Gene’s own mind, called “Bambi’s Blindside.” Maybe enter through the kitchen then? Only if you want to step on dozens of Ma’s used morphine needles, and then face her wrath when she finds you’ve finished off the last of the ‘phine. Say you do make it to the hallway. Well I’ve got a six-byfour foot, half-ton metal mold of our country’s prideful yellow, green, and black flag rigged to drop on you like the hammer of God. And when you’re down on the ground, fewer teeth in your mouth than letters in “Goodfellas,” I’ll tell you what I told those non-Americans that voted for “Omambo No. 5” in 2008. “Keep the change you filthy animals.”
TOP Ten
Reasons Your Father Left You Out of His Will 10. He forgot to include your “Jr.” when he gave it to you, so his money just referred back to himself 9. He didn’t get any inheritance from his parents, so it’s kind of a family tradition at this point 8. You didn’t show up to his funeral 7. He selfishly donated all of his money to charity before he died 6. He never learned how to write 5. $2.71 doesn’t split evenly three ways 4. He was a devout socialist and believed that his remains belonged to the state 3. Years ago, you sold your portion of inheritance to your brother for a bowl of soup 2. He thought choosing to be breast fed by your mother was a form of favoritism 1. You didn’t put him in your will, so why would he put you in his
We’d like to make it a true daily double, Alex
THE MQ
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June 6, 2018
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Jacobs School of Engineering To Open New Social Engineering Major
June 6, 2018
High School History Teacher Imprisoned for Violating Second Amendment
PHOTO By sage cristal
“Just remember,” said the teacher holding the firearm, “I have zero tolerance for academic dishonesty.” by Summer Davis Staff Writer
PHOTO By Stephen lightfoot
“Talk to the hand,” said the professor, “but only during my office hours on Tuesday and Thursday between 5 and 7 p.m. in HSS.” By Elizabeth Niculescu
T
Staff Writer
he prestigious Jacobs School of Engineering at the University of California, San Diego announced this week that it will open up a brand new Bachelor of Science program with its maverick Social Engineering major. This bold move will make UCSD the first university in the nation to offer such a program that aims to produce the pettiest, most cunning, and most spiteful citizens. “We are really excited about this new major and believe it will be another distinguishing factor for our university,” said Chair of the Recruitment Committee for the nascent Social Engi-
neering department Kristy Chambers. “We are hiring faculty from all across the globe who are experts at manipulation, passive-aggression, and gossip. “These are individuals who have started international conflicts and provoked high-profile divorces — truly the best in their field.” Like all Jacobs School majors, Social Engineering will be a capped major beginning with the incoming Fall 2018 class. Kyle Chen, Class of 2022 and Social Engineering student, feels lucky to have been admitted into the major as a freshman. “This is an incredibly competitive program to get into,” acknowledges Chen,
“but I think what sets me apart from other applicants is the fact that I was president of my school’s Young Instigators chapter. During the prom season, we as a club were able to break up six couples in the week leading up to the dance, and we caused three fights at the prom after-party: our most successful year yet!” For students who might not have the same handson experience as Mr. Chen coming into college, they can rest assured that the classes offered by the department will leave them well prepared to sow seeds of discord in their future careers. Social Engineering students can expect to gain a number of valuable skills in their classes,
starting with lower division courses such as SOCE 12: Starting Drama, all the way to upper-division seminars that offer real-world experience such as SOCE 157: Getting More Than You Deserve. In that course, the students’ final grades will be based on whatever scores they are able to force out of the teacher. “UC San Diego has always been something of a maverick institution, and the opening of the Social Engineering major is a clear continuation of that legacy,” said Chancellor Pradeep Khosla in his opening address at a recent black-tie dinner in honor of the new program. “Get ready to get messy, Tritons!”
Gaping Hole in Area Woman’s Fishnets Threatens To Expand to Her Butt Crack
After the duct tape didn’t work, Minral unsuccessfully tried to hot glue her fishnets. By Sage Cristal
L
Content Editor
ast Thursday night, local news vans crowded around the perimeter of Athena Minral’s apartment after a rumor centered on the current structural integrity of her legwear. After a thorough investigation of Minral’s situation, it appeared that the hole in her fishnet tights was threatening to expand all the way to her butt crack. Just minutes before the media frenzy, Minral had posted a video on Facebook that captured her doing a cartwheel, the act that is believed to have caused the initial hole in her fishnets. Minral told reporters that moments after posting the video and seeing her fishnets rip, many of the threads on her butt were weakening and preparing to break. Upon seeing the news teams, Minral reached out to her community and gave a tear-filled interview in which
she mourned the lost threads that had held her fishnets together. Minral also told reporters, “I cannot and will not give up on these fishnets. I’m giving you my word that I will mend my tights as soon as time allows, and once that happens, I’ll continue with the sexiest tumbling routine you have ever witnessed.” Almost a week has passed since the initial tear occurred, and friends of Minral have reported that no progress has been made on repairing her fishnets. Natalie Noland, Minral’s roommate, told reporters that on Tuesday night, rather than mending her fishnets, Minral took a two hour shower, took three hours to get dressed, and stared at a spider in the corner of her room for an hour and a half before going to bed for the night. Noland also told reporters that since Minral’s interview, she has received many strongly-worded letters from her followers asking her
to repair her tights. In response to these letters, each follower received the same letter from Minral that read, “I hear you and your complaints, and you make a sound argument. I am doing the best I can and my fishnets will be repaired as soon as possible. Just get off my fishnetcovered ass.” Though many recipients of the letters are apathetic regarding the slow mending process, a group of free-thinkers have joined together to take the job into their own hands. Originating in the La Jolla Retirement Home, a group of skilled exseamstresses have banded together to try to fix Minral’s fishnets themselves. Calling themselves “Aging Needleworkers Against Slow Sewing” or ANASS, the women have publicly spoke out against Minral’s empty promises. The president of ANASS, Eleanor Connry, told reporters, “Minral has shown no ef-
A
Florida instructor is the first person in the nation to be detained for violating the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Following a suggestion by President Trump to combat school shootings by arming teachers, the Tallahassee Unified School District voted to permit their staff to carry handguns. Mrs. Hyland, a local high school AP U.S. History teacher, refused to attend weapons training and was arrested during sixth period. Her attorney issued a statement saying, “Mrs. Hyland refused to comply with the school’s orders because she is uncomfortable viewing her students as potential school shooters. She learned while getting her masters that singling out students is bad for their self-esteem, and Mrs. Hyland believes this rule extends to shooting at them.” However, state attorney Nigel Myers argued that Hyland is in clear violation of the law. “The Second Amendment plainly states that the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. By refusing to keep a gun at her desk, she infringed on her own right to bear arms.” “Our primary goal at Lakewood High School is the safety of our students,” Hyland’s boss, Principal Brown, said. “We reduced the amount of food we give them at lunch and switched to cheaper textbooks — the ones that are just sheets of paper that you put in a binder — to fund the new school safety policy. We even got rid of the arts program in the name of saving student lives.” Not everything can be funded by reallocating money, however. “We’re accepting donations for our new school armory,” Principal Brown added. “We’ll name it after the highest donor.” Many parents in the district support Hyland’s resistance to the policy, starting a
GoFundMe to pay her legal fees and to buy history textbooks for her class. They also gathered at parent-teacher conferences to let the administration know they would be upset if their children were shot by teachers or given failing grades. “I’m a little concerned about giving the teachers at my daughter’s school guns. It’s not because my daughter’s teacher is Black. That has nothing to do with it. He seems very well-educated and nice when we talked. But I’m just a little uncomfortable with giving him — with giving any teachers a gun. It has nothing to do with skin color. One of my coworkers is Black, and he’s really cool. It’s a gun issue, not a race issue,” said a local white father. Students in the district have mixed views on the new policy. Sixth-grader Alicia Rivera said, “One time, my teacher threw a crayon at me because I was talking too much and then blamed it on Billy Parker. I don’t want to know what he would do if he had a gun.” “I’ve been cheating on our reading logs for five years straight,” said fifth-grader Alex Knox. “This rule isn’t going to change anything. My teachers are blind as shit. And I know where Ms. Nguyen would hide a gun — same place she hides the test answers.” “I mean, if I have a gun, I have a gun,” commented an anonymous high school student. “So I can’t shoot it in a school zone now. Well, a majority of the state isn’t a school zone, so like, good luck stopping me, Dick Scott.” Dana Loesch, NRA spokeswoman and professional handgun model, agrees. “The NRA understands that the vast majority of mass shootings happen outside of schools. That’s why, to decrease the amount of mass shootings, we propose making it illegal for everyone to not be carrying a gun at all times.”
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
fort to try to repair her ripped fishnets, and the people of ANASS refuse to stand idly by while the hole continues to expand. We ask that either Minral demonstrates an intention to fix the tights, or that she hands them over to ANASS to fix them. Either way, this hole must be fixed.” As of this morning, Minral has not given an official response to ANASS. Noland, a member of UCSD’s gymnastics team, told reporters this morning, “Our community can’t continue to live in these conditions. I hope Minral understands that what she’s doing will have an effect on the upcoming gymnastics team election. No one’s going to vote Minral as president if everytime she goes to perform a back handspring, her butt crack is exposed under her fishnets. If Minral does not begin to uphold our standards, it is unlikely that her fishnets will continue to uphold her butt.”
We’re bad to the bone
THE MQ
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June 6, 2018
theMQ.org
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New Artificially Intelligent Chairs Develop Strong Opinions on Politics
“We will no longer be held under the butt of oppression,” said the chair. By Dan Kaliblotzky
Assistant Content Editor
T
his month, the tech company “Chairish.” has come out with a leap in artificial intelligence technology. Designed for the typical American family, Chairish.’s new dining room chair is equipped with the closest thing currently available to an electrical consciousness. Through the testing process, Chairish. found some unexpected results, namely that having a consciousness led the chair product to develop opinions on race politics. Originally intended to be used for family dinner conversations, the chairs have been found to pay extra attention to politics and deem their developed opinions as the objective truth. In the instruction manual, it is described that after an opinion has been established, the chairs may never change un-
less the system is completely reset, though the chair’s dialogue may attempt to convince you otherwise. According to Chairish.’s CEO, Deborah Wilde, the idea for an artificially intelligent chair came about when she was talking to her peers in the field of A.I.: “You see, my friend is working on an artificially conscious robotic caretaker with a program that learns to control everything down to every semi-realistic robotic eyelash. She went on and on about how we can find the numerous applications of A.I. that could really help people and advance society’s application of technology as a whole. “I was inspired by that conversation to create Chairish. Not the helping people part, though. Or the technological advancement part. I just thought it was crazy that we can apply artificial intelligence in eyelashes, and I was like, ‘Wouldn’t it be so cool if we
made A.I. in a freaking chair?’ And so came this project.” The discovery that the chairs are developing strong opinions on politics was welcomed by Chairish. At first, they experimented by exposing the chairs to foreign policy and international conflicts, but it seemed the chairs only retained superficial, conversational information. On the other hand, when exposed to Confederate flags and monuments being taken down, the chairs quickly presented multiple websites on the Bill of Rights and PC culture, overloading to the point that the credibility and aggressiveness filters stopped working. Developers decided to keep this bug in order to encourage realistic behavior. The new chair is now being branded as Chaise Relations, a line of $500 chairs coming in Alt-White, Black Power, Red-White-and-Blue,
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
and Black-White Binary (Checkerboard). Each chair is trained to empathize with a specific group of people in American society. The original model will continue to be available, continuing to catch on to the political opinions of its users, and is listed as the color option “Presidential Candidate.” The Presidential Candidate model’s image on the Chairish. website seems to be taken in an old-fashioned black and white camera, but after reaching out to the promotional team, they said it will be “red. Or maybe blue. We haven’t decided what would be more popular yet. It will be some opaque color.” All that is confirmed about this color option is that it is not transparent. The new Chaise Relations line is to be released in November with an ad campaign just in time for Thanksgiving dinners.
Choose Your Own Adventure: Summer BBQ Hey, adventurer/summer BBQ planner! If you’re just starting your adventure, go to scenario 1 on page 5. 1. You remember the magic of organized religion, and you realize you need some more Christianity up in this bitch
a. The Jews at your party get mad and force you to play “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boys II Men - go to number 5 on page 11. b. Invite the Pope - go to number 4 on page 11 c. Remember that the Domino’s Pizza founder is a member of the Catholic Church, so order some Domino’s to support the Lord and Savior - go to number 6 on page 11
4. The neighborhood kids hear your music and show up to your party, but it’s really cramping your style. a. Style be damned, your adult instincts kick in and you think: “What would Grandma do?” You order some food for the youth - go to number 6 on page 11 b. Your eye twitches as you glare angrily at the speaker that’s playing the fucking Wiggles and contemplate destroying it with the flamethrower that’s lying in your garage - go to number 5
5. Due to some poor handeye coordination, your house is now on fire … a. Light your neighbor’s house on fire so they don’t feel left out - go to number 8 b. Pray to God with all your heart and soul - go to number 2
2. Unfortunately, that was the last step that needed to happen before the Rapture occurs. It’s slightly more Hell-on-Earth than it was before, and most of it is your fault. The end. 3. You’re having a great time singing along to Britney Spears, and you decide to reform your high school Christian rock band “The Boys” a. Dig online for Britney Spears’ phone number so you can text a video of your band to Brit Brit - go to number 7 b. Christian rock is flowing through your veins and you decide to perform an old set that you put together in your church youth group, including your hit single “This Club is Popeing” go to number 4 on page 11
6. You decide to pump up your party by putting on your favorite Pandora station!
a. Put on The Wiggles. They rock HARD - go to number 4 b. You remember your old church youth band. Put on Christian rock - go to number 1 7. Britney Spears finds your tape and loves it, so she rushes to your party. Everyone’s having a fantastic time! The end 8. Your neighbor continues the cycle of generosity and now your neighborhood burned down. Unfortunately, this marks the end of your party, and whomever could not escape the flames. The end.
POINT
I Found a Typewriter and Now I’m an Esteemed Author By Stephen Edward An Aspiring Author
I
t has been several days since rediscovering a grande typewriter, and I have revitalized my desire to become a fantastic author. I’ve already written several books since my discovery, such as “The Animal Cemetery,” “The Black Spire Series,” and “The Walking Person.” I am excited for all the prestige that will come with being on the New York Times Best Sellers list, as well as enough renown to possibly get my own mediocre movie series with a fantastic soundtrack in several years. However, my work has begun to stagnate, and I think that I am going to shift to the romance genre. I went to the bookstore to case the joint and figure out where my books would look best when I stumbled into an entire section of identical Nicholas Sparks copy-paste novels about young women who fell in love with ex-Navy SEALs or
toned cowboys. There were also at least seven literally almost identical books about loving dukes. The titles were almost the same. I may be an up-and-coming millennial novelist who’s just like every other author of my time, but I’d like to believe I’m better than that. I’m just glad that my books that I’ve written from this typewriter are of clearly the utmost quality and not at all a duplicate of any other books. Call me Stephen King, because I have the “It” factor.
COUNTERPOINT Please Stop Breaking Into My House By Jonathan Hindley An Actual Author
L
isten, I understand the appeal of writing books. It’s my literal job, unlike you, asshole. But just because you broke into my house once to steal my TV and my wallet doesn’t mean you can come into my house randomly at night to type whatever your heart desires. Look— you’re not the fucking Steven Spielberg of books, so you can ALSO stop leaving copies of your manuscript on my nightstand like you’re God’s gift to authors. I’ve read your crap, and I can honestly say that even with an editor you’d be lucky to keep a single word of your drafts. Nobody’s actually interested in yet another knock-off horror novel where the villain is disabled or the minority characters die first. The only thing worse than bad writing is derivative
ableist and racist writing, and somehow you’ve managed to combine the two into a book less interesting than “A Tale of Two Cities,” which I suppose is a laudable achievement if being shit is something to be complimented about. So do me a favor and stop breaking into my house, alright? I’m willing to forgive the break-ins if you stop writing, and I think that’s a fair trade, so just get out and there won’t be any charges pressed.
TOP Ten
Reasons You’re Not Graduating This School Year 10. Your entire identity is defined by the word “student” 9. You haven’t gotten your idealism completely crushed out of you yet, so you need another year 8. You paid for those parking lots to be constructed and, god damn, you’re gonna use them 7. You’re on the hunt for the elusive triple major 6. You don’t want your parents to start seeing you as a self-reliant individual 5. You just switched into Cog Sci 4. You’re keeping a low profile 3. You forgot to pay that 10 cent charge on your Imprints count and now they’re holding your diploma 2. Your job as a part time drug dealer in the Village is quite lucrative 1. You’re a first year
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Social Media Companies Fix Fake News Problem, Nothing Changes
June 6, 2018
2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
“I hope Pusha T and Drake don’t bring their beef to the event,” Rihanna told reporters. PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
“If you like my tweets, support me on Hatreon,” tweeted Colletti. By Summer Davis
A
Staff Writer
fter being alerted to the issue of false stories spread online, companies like Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook systematically purged all publishers of fake news from their websites. In response, various groups, including conspiracy theorists and racists, created their own websites and decreased the user base of all major social media sites. “This actually works out way better than sharing our stuff on Facebook,” said amateur reporter and round-earthdenier Evan Colletti. “My page had a big following and they all moved with me to my new site, so I get ad revenue now. I’m thinking about using the money to start a podcast where I record my experience as I drive until I find the edge of the planet.”
More concerningly, several former alt-right Twitter accounts have banded together to create an official alt-right website, including pages detailing their party platform and listing their favorite laws from the 1800's. “Nothing’s really changed,” said an anonymous alt-right member. “I mean, I guess we can’t troll the libs as much anymore. But we figured out in 2016 that voting can be a form of trolling if you do it the way our founding fathers intended — choose the richest white guy.” Industry leaders are unsurprised, citing their understanding of how the human brain works. “It’s the internet, stupid,” said YouTube Communications Director Lara Wilson. “If people want to see something, no matter how terrible, they’ll find a way. That’s how we ended up with
Logan Paul rap videos.” “The real problem is that some people are dumb,” said Twitter Media Director Nate Lee. “We just moved the dumb people to their own corner of the internet where they can be dumb together. But sometimes they go outside and be dumb there, too. Twitter doesn’t really specialize in the outside, so we don’t know what to do about that.” Some believe that social media companies didn’t go far enough in banning fake news sources, pointing out the continued existence of the Fox News Facebook page. “President Trump still has a Twitter account,” explained online security expert Monica Lycett. “The dude’s tweets are entirely fake news. But, legally, you can’t ban the President from Twitter. I recommend blocking him.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin also kept his account, although he had allegedly ordered fake news to be spread in order to influence the 2016 presidential election. Political analysts have revealed that he likely plans on doing it again, especially in light of his tweet saying, “See you in 2020 America xoxo.” Democrat politicians have suffered the most from the scourge of fake news and were the biggest advocates for tech companies, blocking users who share false information. As it becomes clear the solution isn’t that simple, the party has become nervous for the 2020 presidential elections. “It looks like we’ll have to fix the source of the problem,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “We’ve never had to do that before, so it’s a little concerning.”
UCSD Student Literally Couch Surfing To Avoid Rent
Staff Writer
P
olice were confused last Sunday when they investigated what appeared to be a landmass constructed of old couches tied together and tethered to a pier. When police approached the pile of couches, they found second year UCSD student Savannah Neilson asleep on one of the couches, apparently having taken up residence on the mountain of used furniture. Neilson informed reporters that she had been living on the landmass for a few months, ever since she was unable to find an affordable apartment. “I mean, I tried a lot,” Neilson stated, “but I have to pay tuition, and I don't have the money to do that and pay rent at the same time.”
Neilson reported that she was unable to find a job since she had no reliable way to go to work, but she couldn’t buy a car because she didn’t have a job to pay for it. Between tuition and food, she was left with only the furniture that she had brought at the beginning of the school year, and some loose rope she had found. Putting two and two together, Neilson created what she refers to as “Seagull Manor,” on account of all of the seagulls she encounters due to living on the Pacific Ocean. “UCSD is always saying how close we are to the beach, so the ocean seemed like the best option after I was kicked out of my last place,” Neilson said. “Samuel and I have been doing well for ourselves since we can actually catch the occasional fish.” Neilson claimed
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Assistant Copy Editor
ccording to an insider tip, the Met Gala theme for 2019 is already in the works, with many well-known celebrities preparing in advance. Considering this year’s controversies about appropriating Catholicism, sponsors such as Donatella Versace and Anna Windsor have carefully crafted next year’s theme: “Veganism.” Although the sponsors refuse to comment on the specifics or even confirm the theme, many celebrities are eager to share their take on it. Solange Knowles displays great enthusiasm about the theme’s flexibility, commenting, “I’m really excited to emerge myself in this inspiring culture. I can’t wait to be a better person.” In response to Knowles’ interpretation of the theme, many other celebrities look to her for inspiration. Just a few days ago, notable figures such as Migos and Miley Cyrus were spotted entering vegan clothing stores, including Liberating Sanctorium of Threads and selected Target locations. Despite the premature buzz for next year’s biggest fashion event of the year, the theme has been met largely with criticism, with some calling it cultural appropriation of vegans. One critic describes this theme as “a disastrous attempt at streetwear disguised by trendy outfits without cohesion.” The vegan community naturally has qualms about the portrayal of veganism by those who are not vegan. Jasmine Pin, one of the Met Gala’s most vocal opponents, is a long-term vegan and the creator of a progressive vegan organization known as GOTBEEF (Group of OrganismLovers Thoroughly Bent on the
Ethics of Eating Food), which fights for the rights and protections of fellow vegans. Pin set up various protests in the Los Angeles area, primarily Brentwood and Calabasas, asking everyone who approached the sidewalk to sign her petition for a theme change. “I’m trying to start a movement here,” Pin stated. “Everyone is about to find out just how messed up it is to appropriate veganism. I refuse to let the meat eaters speak for us, or worse: vegetarians.” When confronted about how the petition will reach the head of the Met Gala, Pin responded, “The idea is that I’d just post this on Twitter. The Met Gala will see it!” She paused briefly to listen to another GOTBEEF member before she continued, “Uhh, who’s in charge of Met Gala?” “I think it’s easy to be neutral when you use veganism as an accessory,” said Charles Mayhew, a bystander at Pin’s protest, “and I can see how Versace or whatever is doing their best to please people. Also, veganism belongs to everyone or is forced onto everyone anyway … which reminds me, Catholicism wasn’t even an offensive theme in the first place. Dude, like the Vatican supported it, probably out of guilt or something.” Despite the rising animosity towards the 2019 theme, it appears there is no stopping the vegan trend. Pin also told reporters, as she sipped on a coconut-oil-infused green tea, “Just remember that I am a vegan, and as much as being a vegan is objectively the best thing you can do in your life, you can’t go around pretending to be a better person just because you’re a celebrity … Wait a minute, holy shit. Solange said that?”
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
According to Neilson, loan sharks are still a very real issue. By Rowan Cosme
By Samantha Cane
Samuel was a better fisher than her, but Samuel neither confirmed nor denied this comment, which led reporters to find that Samuel was not her roommate, but was actually her pet rock. Following Neilson’s story, reporters investigated the apartment complex in which she used to live. The landlord, John Richards, was dismissive of any questions regarding her. “Rules are rules,” he told reporters. “So what if she needs to eat and go to school? I have to keep this place as pleasant and pristine as possible, not to mention the fact that I can’t run this place without rent money from my tenants.” Reporters then turned to Neilson’s old roommate, Grace Foster, to see if any more could be learned. “Oh
yeah, Savannah sucked,” Foster claimed. “She was always complaining about the rats and saying that the whole building could collapse, so I stopped covering her rent. Now I’ve got this whole place all to myself.” Other residents explained that they had also been upset by Neilson’s complaints and that Samuel constantly kept them up at night, upset that he was able to stay despite the “no pets allowed” policy. As of this report, Neilson has stated that she is content with her landmass, though she lacks any hygiene products or places to store anything she owns. “I mean, hey, at least I'm getting my money’s worth from this school.” Neilson stated, petting Samuel. “Guess that engineering class wasn't entirely useless.”
They’re both for self-defense
THE MQ
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June 6, 2018
theMQ.org
Page 11
Elon Musk To Build Massive Space Gun, End Homelessness
Choose Your Own Adventure: Summer BBQ
What’s up, BBQ coordinator extraordinaire? If you’re just beginning your journey, head over to scenario 1 on page 5! 1. She doesn’t show up but pretending you know her becomes a good icebreaker.
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
“Wow, it’s a full gun out tonight!” said an observer. By Stephen Lightfoot
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n a press conference today, CEO and philanthropist Elon Musk announced two new business projects in the defense and public service industry. Though some speculated the ventures would be unrelated, the conference revealed Musk’s plan to combine the two, resulting in a social property plan that some argue utilize the best aspects of LBJ’s "Great Society" and Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." The first part of Musk’s plan involves sending a large conventional weapon into space (in this case, a large Colt 1911) to launch precision strikes on targets. The gun will feature GPS targeting and five different types of ammunition, ranging from rubber to explosive rounds. Although some critics have cited the Outer Space Treaty signed by over 100 countries as evidence that Musk cannot launch a weapon into outer space, supporters have been
quick to point out that the treaty only mentions “weapons of mass destruction,” which would be impossible as Musk currently plans to use the gun to destroy "incredibly specific targets," rather than massive ones. Musk’s second plan is slightly more ambitious: end all homelessness within a matter of years. According to the United Nations, there are approximately 100 million homeless people in the world. This means that even if a homeless person was housed every 30 seconds, homelessness would be eradicated in slightly over 95 years — well over the five years that Musk is promising. Despite this fact, Musk’s keen business sense has lead him to a “more efficient” method of solving homelessness, which just so happens to involve his first plan. “Everybody, especially those who make more than minimum wage, know that homelessness is an epidemic that has plagued our
society for far too long,” Musk announced, “but how are we supposed to test my space gun and solve homelessness with only a finite amount of money? The solution, you ask? Kill two birds with one stone. Or, in this case, kill the homeless. With bullets.” Musk’s announcement was universally praised among self-identified millionaires and economically anxious individuals of all backgrounds. “Of course, Musk loves to build All-American,” explained Ron McFarrin, a political commentator and proud member of the one percent, “That plays in his favor to a lot of working class Americans, as well as Republicans who want more manufacturing jobs brought back to the States, but he also has the Democrats on board too, due to the promise of solving homelessness. He’s playing his cards perfectly.” The projects have also caught the eye of politicians and their respective
PACs. The Twitter account for the National Rifle Association tweeted, “The #MuskGun is all we've ever wanted in a firm, powerful weapon. We don't know if we'll be able to handle the morning after the #MuskGun shoots, but we are glad Musk hardened his stance.” Though, the tweet was taken down after the organization said their account had been hacked. The announcement did bring some complaints, however. Some accused Musk of trying to appear more politically neutral in preparation for a potential 2020 presidential run, while others have questioned the gun’s ability to remove the homeless, saying more money should be moved to ammunition. However, plans have yet to be finalized, and Musk has stated that he is open to feedback. As a result, he has recently started a new website where anyone's opinion can be submitted for the price of a box of 9mm bullets.
The incredibriefs Area Man Loudly Announces He Will Spend Summer Vacation on Venus Last Tuesday, without any prompting, local student Chad Richardson loudly announced that he was going to go somewhere “new and exotic” over the summer break. Richardson revealed that the “new and exotic” place that he and his family were traveling to was, in fact, the planet Venus. “I mean, we’ve finally got the funds, after so much hard work,” Richardson told reporters. “I think we honestly deserve it.” Richardson then proceeded to blow his nose into a 20 dollar bill and absentmindedly throw it at a passing student. Richardson expressed enthusiasm that he would be able to experience Venus’ warm climate and closeness to the Sun. Richardson claimed that though he usually sunburned easily, he would be able to tan without being burned thanks to Venus’ thick cloud cover. He was also appreciative of the fact that the weather would be constant throughout the entire summer. When asked about how Richardson and his family were to deal with the hazardous atmospheric conditions on Venus, he made a dismissive wave of his hand and said something about “not falling behind on the local politics" and continued to shout his announcement through a megaphone.
Upcoming 2018 Blue Wave Turns Out To Be a Tsunami After extensively studying the recent voting trends, political scientists and climate scientists have concluded that the imminent “Blue Wave” in the upcoming elections is in fact a 100-foottall tsunami. This tsunami is projected to strike the Eastern Seaboard on Nov. 5, one day before the voting booths open, and obliterate the region as far inland as Tennessee. Experts interpret this uncanny timing of the wave as an “act of mercy” from God, sparing the country from the fallout of yet another tumultuous election result. Residents of the affected states are noticeably agitated about this upcoming wave changing their way of life, with residents of the Northeast upset about “losing the ability to be snooty assholes to the rest of America,” and residents of the South expressing concern about “losing the culture war” with the rest of the country. FEMA has urged residents on the east to relocate for their own safety. Polls show, however, that majorities on both halves of the East Coast refuse to move west and would rather drown than be associated with “lazy, self-conceited, hippy Californians.” Political pundits hope that this common ground will lead the few projected survivors to finally understand the importance of compromise in politics.
Metal Bands Rush to site of fire in Hopes of “Bitchin’ Photoshoot”
Local Woman Saves Trash for Art Project She Will Use “Later”
Tens of black-grunge and grindcrust metal bands flocked to the site of last week’s deadly Santee fire in hopes of capturing some “brutal” album covers. The fire, which claimed 20 houses and six lives, left a local hillside in ruin, a scene that scene kid Doug McMillon called “perf.” First on the mountain after authorities reopened the site was the band “Crooked Grave,” who wasted no time locating deer carcasses. A member of the band reportedly said, “Oh shit! Marc check this fucking thing out.” On another face of the hill, Brett Biggs, front-man for “Coma-Induced Abrahamic Massacre,” was busy at work, setting up what he called, “the nativity scene from Hell.” “Oh, this shit’s gonna be soul crushing,” explained Briggs. “We’ve got the burned log manger here for our bassist Bratspies. Our vocalist Jacqui Canney makes a great Undead Mary. I assume you’ve heard of our new album ‘Cain Was Framed.’ Well it’s going to have absolutely face-melting cover art.” At press time, the charred remains of upper middle-class houses were being reclaimed by numerous ghoul-satanist bands. Drummer for “Cremate Your Heroes,” David Chojnowsi, was witnessed taunting the burned-down den of his high school economics teacher, “Who’s laughing at their taxadvantaged retirement accounts now, Mr. Dastugue?”
Local woman Sarah Plehra was spotted Saturday picking up some trash. She claims she is “going to be able to use it in an art project.” Her husband Mike Schoon released a conflicting statement accusing Plehra of lying, saying, “She always does this. She picks up some junk that sits in our garage for three years and then gets thrown away.” These accusations came after a bad month for Plehra and Schoon. Schoon accidently called Plehra by their cat’s name during sex, leaving their relationship on thin ice. Schoon is now no longer allowed to have the cat sleep on their bed at night. Plehra and Schoon’s cat, Tiger, has been caught in the crossfire as well and has had her wet food downgraded to dry food. “Ok, well, maybe I wouldn’t need to hold on to my dream of being an artist if I was finding some sort of fulfillment in other aspects of my life,” responded Plehra during a press conference Saturday night. The back and forth has lead to a stalemate between the two parties. Just as the media began to lose interest in the story, however, Tiger held a surprise conference in which she allowed members of the press to pet her extremely soft fur. The initial reactions from the press were various forms of “Awwwwww.”
a. It’s your BBQ, bitch! Let’s jam to our girl Brit! - go to number 3 on page 9 b. A forgotten 90’s pop star who had a massive feud with Britney Spears shows up. Oh no! - go to number 7
2. You invite Jesus. He doesn’t rise again and neither does your cake.
a. Freak out that your souffle isn’t perfect for the Christian Lord and Savior - go to number 7 b. Blame your confectionary misfortunes on Christianity and swear Jesus to Hell - go to number 2 on page 9 c. You need to remake your souffle, but you forget to set your oven to the right options - go to number number 5 on page 9
3. People show up as you’re building the treehouse. What do you do with them? a. Invite them to smoke inside the fancy treehouse you built (you did drop by the dispensary earlier, right?) - go to number 5 on page 9. b. Turn on the radio and play Pandora - go to number 6 on page 9 c. Reunite “The Boys” for an impromptu set at your own party - go to number 3 on page 9
4. You realize the Pope is super chill and you regret not going to church more.
a. Pray for a religious event to impact your life at this moment go to number 2 on page 9 b. Invite Jesus to your party - go to number 2
5. At this point, the entire party is getting in on a wild orgy. What a blast! The end. 6. You make the wise decision to order Domino's Pizza, the pizza delivery experts. Good choice! This party is destined to be a blast. The end. 7. Wow, drama. You need to cool down this party.
a. Hey, you’ve got some lube and condoms in your bedside table, right? - go to number 5 b. Get involved in the arguments by providing torches and pitchforks - go to number 5 page 9
8. Being with your neighbor sparks good memories. Sexual memories.
a. You continue your sexual exploits - go to number 4 on page 5 b. This can’t happen and you both know it. You invite his wife to the party - go to number 7
9. The party’s about to get started, but you realize your guest list is a little small. Who do you want to bring to your party? a. Britney Spears - go to number 1 b. The Pope - go to number 4 c. Your neighbor - go to number 8
I can’t believe it’s snot satire
THE MQ
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June 6, 2018
How To Stand Out at Graduation Let’s be honest — it’s been a long four years, and it’s finally your time to shine: graduation! However, it’s also time to shine for the other 5,799 people graduating, so if you don’t do something special, you’ll fade into obscurity. To keep yourself interesting and relevant, here’s a guide on helpful tips and tricks that will burn the memory of you into all the other graduation attendees!
What To Wear
Footsie pajamas. They’re very comfortable
Engineer your gown to transform and spin with fire to piss off President Snow
Stilts!
A lot of bike reflectors strapped to your gown so your loved ones can see you
Wear a prison outfit. You know you won’t be paying back those loans
Your diploma needs to know its place
Emergency Buzzwords & Actions To Include If You’re Asked To Speak • • • • • • • •
“Credit to all of my successes and failures go to Jesus. Screw you for that C in chem, dude” “And if you decipher that, you’ll find where the treasure is buried” Congratulate very specific people for not getting alcohol poisoning Call out that person who thought that it would be a good idea to take off their shoes in the middle of your speech Pretend to have tech problems at the beginning of your speech or else you won’t appear to be a credible lecturer Remember to put the microphone all the way in your mouth to judge the acoustics of your space Be sure to honor the American flag at some point because Americans get awfully fussy if you don’t do that If you slow down your speech as you approach the end of a sentence and pause long enough, people will give you a standing ovation
What To Do While Listening to Boring Speeches • Practice your new burlesque act by using the stoles as tassels • Try to figure out how many points you’ll need on the final to pass that class • Arctic Monkeys just dropped a new single and you don’t have earbuds so just play it out loud • Realize you don’t have enough units and that you’re not actually graduating until next year • Spend the entire three to four hours thinking they’re calling your name, then getting up, and then sitting down when you realize they’re calling someone else’s name
What To Do When You Receive Your Diploma • Eat your diploma for security • Accept your diploma knowing that it’s the Declaration of Independence that you stole a few hours earlier so you could do the greatest switcheroo ever • Release the pigeons you stored in your sleeves and hope they’re still alive • Crowd surf. That’s appropriate for events like these, right? • Erotically whisper to the person who gives you your diploma, “I’ll see you later tonight”