THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
You’re not really famous until you’re a Pez dispenser.
- Carrie Fisher
The answer to 9 across
June 6, 2018
Volume XXIV Issue VII
HDH Replaces Dining Hall Meals With Dog Food, Students Deem It an Improvement
In This issue Sun Given a One-Star Yelp Review by NASA
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The U.S. Imposes Sanctions on the U.S.
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Sun god scrapbook
6,7
ucsd to Open New Social Engineering Major 2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”
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News in Brief Hobby Lobby Makes Lobbying its Hobby
In addition to Dining Dollars, HDH will now accept sitting, staying, and shaking as a form of payment. By Ethan Coston Staff Writer
L
ast Friday night, HDH announced via email that it will change all dining hall food options to dog food varieties starting Fall Quarter 2018, citing student complaints about food quality. After replacing Mark Cunningham as executive director of Housing, Dining, and Hospitality, Hemlata Jhaveri announced she will change the menus due to “those ungrateful brats that complain about raw meat in their food.” Jhaveri, irritated by complaints about her predecessor’s decision-making, caved to student demands for nutritious, fully-cooked, cost-effective meals. She believes dog food is
truly the best way to increase food quality and lower costs. Keeping with each dining hall’s specialty, vegan and kosher options will be available to students who need it. Revelle College’s 64 Degrees will serve dog food burgers, with MilkBone milkshakes. The markets will sell canned dog food, perfect as a snack to-go or a cheap dinner option for students who prefer not to eat gourmet varieties at dining halls. Roots, the vegan dining hall in Muir College, will serve V-Dog, a brand of vegan dog food comprised of ground corn, beet pulp, and brewers rice guaranteed to improve digestion, aid weight management, and maintain a shiny coat.
Since dog food does not require labor intensive preparation, HDH will not employ as many students as it does this year. While dining hall prices will be significantly lower than they are now, they will still be astronomically higher than off campus pricing for a satisfying bowl of dog food. HDH later released a statement saying that the extra revenue received from the “luxury” pricing of dog food will fund a $100 thousand salary increase for Director Jhaveri as a reward for her direct involvement in designing the dog food meal plan. Jhaveri noted that she worked with Associated Students of UCSD to create a plan that would address the food needs of all students. “I
PHOTO By jessica ma
really think HDH finally realized that many students at UCSD are food-insecure, and providing cheap alternatives will finally help bridge that gap and ensure no student has to go without a meal,” said A.S. President and former A.V.P. of Food and Housing Resources Kiara Gomez. So far, students who believe HDH is finally taking a step in the right direction met the plan with enthusiasm. “I really think HDH is making a revolutionary stride in improving food quality,” Cane Corso, a second-year in Sixth College said. “Once I run out of Dining Dollars, I usually end up sharing my dog’s bowl anyways, so this just means that I don’t have to share anymore.”
Professors Prepare To Return to Void for Summer By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
U
C San Diego professors prepare to return to the void as the Spring 2018 quarter draws to a close. Professors who aren’t teaching during the Summer Sessions will have to give up their living quarters on campus and return to the void until they are needed again for the Fall 2018 quarter when they will be able to return to the physical world to teach at UC San Diego. Professors across campus have begun their annual ritual of shutting off their iClicker stations and packing their chalk back into boxes. After grading finals, many professors will be forced to return to the notoriously cold and unfeeling void. For this reason, many professors opt to put off grading finals, enjoying their last few days in the physical world. Dr. Hank Drayton, a lecturer for the chemistry department, was interviewed in his office,
The Oklahoma City headquarters of prominent evangelical arts and crafts corporation Hobby Lobby has ordered a surprising course change in the company’s direction, with the company now aiming to expand its personnel numbers and redirect them towards lobbying efforts. The arts and crafts supplier will retrain all employees to emit a political message meant to persuade politicians to “protect women from birth control,” “convert the gays,” and “correct falsehoods about our purchase of $1.6 million worth of artifacts from the Iraqi government.” Steve Green, current
company president and son of the founder of Hobby Lobby, has stated in a recent interview that he does not distinguish between business and belief. “God’s given us the ability to be very successful in our business,” Green stated. “And I think, to some degree, that means it’s our duty to be as aggressive as possible in shoving our beliefs down everyone’s throats.” Since all of these employees are being converted into lobbyists, Hobby Lobby has made the decision to immediately relocate all of its personnel to D.C., and house them in the Museum of the Bible.
Headlines Found To Be Most Frequently Read Part of Article In a surprising study, researchers have concluded that the most read part of news articles, regardless of their content, are headlines. The study also found that graphics were the second most frequently viewed part of a news article after headlines, followed by the graphics caption and, finally, the article itself. “If the article’s headline isn’t prominent or a graphic isn’t present, the likelihood of that article even being seen is significantly diminished,” said one researcher. “However, we have concluded that the odds of people reading the article go
up if the headline contains a meta joke.” Other researchers were less optimistic. “Let’s face it,” the lead researcher wrote in the study’s conclusion. “The average person is gonna read our study’s title, and go, ‘Huh, that’s kind of interesting,’ and then they’re going to move on. Honestly, has anyone even read this far? Please, for the love of god, read the whole study. We worked on it for five years — my whole life has revolved around this study. My wife left me because I had to finish this. Please.”
Study Finds Josh
Professor Drayton’s last words were, “Fill out your CAPE evals.” putting his various knicknacks into a box as he prepared to leave our dimension. Dr. Drayton continued packing up, deflating his mattress and dismantling his desk, saying, “It gets quite hot this time of the year, but I can’t really turn
I’d pop that wheelie And I’d hit that throttle
on the air because there’s no air in the void. There’s nothing.” By the end of the interview, Dr. Drayton had stopped packing and started to break down into tears. Some professors, however, have gotten special permission
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
from the university to remain in the physical world for the summer. This will be be Professor Ben Janister’s first time staying at UC San Diego over the summer. “I’m so excited.
See Void, page 2
Local fashion trend gone too far Local man mortgages house to buy more hats
Area middle-aged slacker and unreliable reporter Josh finally decided to show his face again late Monday afternoon after missing a whole three weeks of work and failing to report on several crucial recent stories. For almost a month, Josh was unreachable by his coworkers and, consequently, forced a certain reporter to cover all of his assigned stories. Josh has been a reporter for over four years and a beloved mentor for at least the past two and a half. However, after not showing up to work at 10 a.m. with a warm cup of coffee as he normally does on a typical Thursday, Josh was greatly missed by his colleagues who were forced to report on the previous day’s
basketball game, of which they knew nothing about. Josh continued to not show up to work during the next three days until his colleagues became suspicious that he might be in imminent danger instead of just being burnt out from years of reporting to a boss that regularly takes handouts from ad agencies. After three weeks of absence, Josh finally returned to work after an unannounced vacation to the Bahamas, just over two hours before the next issue of the paper was sent for printing. As a consequence, reporters were forced to publish filler material in order to cover for his gaps in reporting.
See BRIEFS, page 11