The MQ Volume 25 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“Some werewolves are hairy on the inside” - Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Saga

This could be real by next week

October 31, 2018

Students Take Bank Robbery Work-Study in Lieu of Financial Aid

Volume XXV Issue II

In This issue Congress increases transparency via windows

3

human woman added to endangered species list

4

my halloween party

6,7

ucsd introduces “pay-to-sit” classes

9

haunted house filled with things millenials killed

10

News in Brief AREA BUS DRIVER WHO DROVE AWAY FROM STOP DEFINITELY SAW STUDENT RUNNING TO CATCH UP PHOTO By jessica ma

Although theme songs are recommended on paper, when put in to practice, security is alerted nine out of ten times.

By Adam Yoshinaga Staff Writer

C

hancellor Khosla revealed his upcoming plan to solve financial aid difficulties undergraduate students struggle with on Sunday.

“With students complaining about the financial aid office never accepting their calls, I made the executive decision to abolish the office altogether.”

When asked for more details about his decision, Khosla stated, “FAFSA already robs everyone, so let’s go ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ on that bitch.”

Some professors speculated that the former financial aid office may be used to prepare heists, or as the US Department of Education prefers to call it, “bank robbery workstudy.” In addition to an intricate interpretation of Khosla’s announcement, several faculty

members witnessed what appears to be firearms cases being unloaded from trucks into the office. Faculty also heard loud, piercing shockwave noises late at night, possibly indicating a firing range on campus, which violates the no guns on campus policy. “I saw the financial-aid office workers being trained with red lasers! I’m scared they weren’t teaching them to play with cats,” said first-year Elizabeth Rogers.

UCSD is already known for offering 62 percent of undergraduate students’ financial aid, 24 percent lower than the national average. However, this program would provide a larger amount of funding to a larger population of students, potentially offering all students a full ride. While many undergraduate students initially avoid working, due to the fear of not being able

to balance classes and work, the bank robbery work-study program is a one time “highrisk, high-reward” job.

This new initiative will allow students currently working on their master’s in criminal justice to oversee undergraduate students who need financial assistance. “We have partnered with some former mobsters, felons, and general hooligans to teach students how to pop a cap in someone’s ass if need be,” said graduate student Dante Chang. “Our first goal is to mentor them on strategies to make a clean break, or if not clean, then relatively tidy.”

With rumors spreading about the soon-to-be new financial aid crisis, undergraduates have reported mixed opinions on the new situation. “On one hand I support it because I need the money.

On the other hand … no, I just need the money. I’m in,” said Muir College undergraduate student Emily Walton.

Sigmund Aragon, also an undergraduate student of Muir College, thought differently of the situation: “Robbing banks is not the way to solve our problems. We can all solve our problems simply by not going to school, practicing self-care, and becoming vegetarian.”

At the end of the statement, Khosla made a remark concerning his new approach to the university’s financial support of students. “The price of tuition has caused immeasurable suffering to students, but I’m relieved to know we can now end this financial violence with actual, physical violence. As our fight song says, ‘U-C-S-D! Fight! Fight! Fight!’”

Yale Law School Replaces LSAT Requirement with Drinking Game Tournament

Commuter student Ralph Payne was left desolate when they purportedly saw the bus driver in the mirror giving them ‘the bird,’ as they ran to catch up with a bus.

“This day couldn’t get any worse. I was supposed to take my midterm in half an hour, and the next bus doesn’t come for another two! What am I supposed to tell my professor?” Payne said. “I was on time, but I swear, the bus driver was watching me from all the way down the street, making a face and muttering something. It was all very intimidating, and I stopped

for a second. But as I did, she hopped back on the bus and started the engine!”

“Sounds like a personal problem,” Bus Driver Winnifred “Whiz” Jackson said during an interview. “I drove buses for more than 70 years, and I’ve seen enough lollygaggers for a lifetime. My punctuality record is spotless, save the time an earthquake knocked my bus off a cliff in ‘89! If y’all are still rolling up thinking I’ll ruin my image to take pity on your time mismanaging behinds, you better shape up! ‘Winnie the Whiz’ is just gonna keep on whizzin!’”

Local Trash Receptacle Feels Like Absolute Garbage After getting dumped on Monday, a local trash receptacle reports “feeling like absolute garbage.” “I’ve been carrying a lot of baggage,” the receptacle told reporters, “I feel like I just got dumped on the side of the road. I’ve been put through a lot lately, and I feel like all I get are scraps.”

The trash receptacle’s feelings were most evident in a string of tweets complaining about expensive bills, a lack of friends, and the current political climate.

One tweet read, “What kind of world are we living in where our president cares more about his hair than he does about mass shootings? It just stinks.” One of

the trash receptacle’s twitter followers told reporters he felt the trash had no place to complain.

“They are so full of shit,” said twitter user @XrecycleAlwys. “They are just mad that they didn’t go out over the weekend, and they will have to wait a week until they get another chance.

Something smells fishy, and it’s definitely them.”

The trash receptacle refused a follow-up interview with reporters, but responded to @XrecycleAlwys’s tweet, saying, “I bet you’ve never felt used up in your life. I’m near my breaking point, so unless I get more support there’s going to be a huge mess!”

Local Badass Refuses to Admit He’s Cold PHOTO By jessica ma

“Fireball tastes better this way anyway,” Quor said.

By Dexter Hamilton Staff Writer

Y

ale University, the number one ranking law school in the United States, has in-

stituted a dramatic change to its admissions policy. Rather than having applicants take the Law School Admission Test, or LSAT, prospective students are required to compete in a series

“They told me that bread rises” “I thought I could fly”

of drinking games. These competitions, including Beer Pong, are completed in a tournament that leads to a competitive Devil’s Triangle. At each stage, points are awarded for victory,

drinks consumed, and how effectively applicants hide their music taste from peers; points are deducted for vomit-

See Yale, page 2

Area carriage turns back into pumpkin Forgot it has carriage sickness

Upon stepping outside into the 59-degree weather, infamous daredevil and renegade Francis Yates proclaimed that he wasn’t even chilly, even when just wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

Despite the protests of his mother, Yates was steadfast in his beliefs, even turning down a sweater his mother tried to shove into his hands before he left. “I tried to tell him,” Yates’ mother stated.

“I said, ‘You’re gonna freeze out there wearing that! At least take this in case you get cold later in the night.’ But he kept saying that he didn’t need anything.” She then shook her head, muttering, “He may be my son, but that

doesn’t stop him from being a fool sometimes.”

Later in the evening, as the temperature dropped to 56-degrees, Yates remained silent, instead continuing to hang out with friends as they ate ice cream and biked through town, shivering intensely. “Francis is the sickest person I know,” one of his friends later reminisced. “Even though he was close to hypothermia, he didn’t accept any offers for a jacket. But the crazy thing is that he didn’t even wanna go home and get his jacket.

He’s sticking it to the man, the goddamn rebel.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

October 31, 2018

Cattle Sympathy Campaign Backfires, Consumers Excited to Eat Beef That Bears Their Name

PHOTO By jessica ma

“Would I be considered free range?” Maler asked reporters.

By Andrew Sitko Staff Writer

A

nimal rights activists swarmed supermarkets early this October and placed the names and pictures on meat packaging of cows that were slaughtered.

Their ultimate goal was to make consumers “think about the animal that had a life before being turned into tenderloin” and perhaps refrain from purchasing any more beef. Many speculated that this would be the greatest animal rights protest to date; instead, the campaign appears to have significantly bolstered October beef sales.

“I like really, really enjoy this new packaging!” Nicole Maler, a local grocery enthusiast, said while searching through the packages of meat.

“I like to look through the meat aisle and see if I can find any with my name on it! Making ‘Nikki’s Burgers’ for my guests just brightens my day.”

When asked for comment on

the original intentions of the packaging, Nicole responded while sinking her teeth into a raw ground beef container labeled ‘Nikki the Bovine,’ “I mean, yeah, it is sad that they have to die, but it’s so much fun to do this!”

Ralphs Grocery Store announced a shortage of beef in their stores nationwide a few days after the labeling campaign began. La Jolla resident Paden Duncan, owner of the local Ralphs, stated, “We had to start a lottery over access to the meat aisle in our stores.

Each customer has to provide their license and birth certificate in order to be accepted into the raffle. There have been some rather belligerent customers who ignore our rules, so I bought an Australian Cattle Dog with a cattle prod in its mouth to herd them back into line.”

Reporters were able to enter the chaotic supermarket and interview Adrian Garcia, head meat slicer at Ralphs, who provided

insight on the process. “Yeah, I mean the protestors really only put cards on a couple packages, but since there’s this huge craze, we started to just write random names on them,” Garcia explained. “It’s not like they come with what cow was killed from the farm, so we take a guess. My formula is to write a bunch of the same generic white names on most of them and sprinkle-in some ethnic names because we all know the only people who care about this are white…”

Not all consumers have expressed enthusiasm.

Local resident Sahim Antar grumbled as he walked out of the store, “I always get excited whenever they decide to put names onto things I can eat and drink, but they never have MY name!” Antar stormed away, kicking a homeless man’s change-jar over in anger.

“This really wasn’t how we thought the protest was gonna go. We thought we would make people realize they were

complicit in the deaths of animals who have personalities, lives, and families, all erased because of selfish gain,” said local activist leader Danny Murray outside the store, while shaking his head. “We’ve failed this time, but we will all keep fighting the beef industry. For now, we’ll probably fall back onto pissing on the meat in store for shock value.”

With crowds filling up the nation’s grocery stores and no signs of stopping, the labeling campaign seems to have brought on a new era of meat enthusiasm.

While it appears the activists have failed in their ultimate goal, others praised the activists for “ushering in a new golden age.” Farmers nationwide have expanded the campaign by naming each cow and giving them each a silly hat and talent.

Furthermore, NBC revealed that it will air a new “moosical competition extravaganza” titled “Can Your Cattle Cha Cha?”

continued from page 1: ing, stopping a woman from drinking a drugged beverage, and other offenses. Blacking out is a disqualifying action, but potential students elude penalty if they simply deny it ever happened.

While traditional factors in applications will continue to be evaluated, such as position on high school football team, connections to the admissions office, etc., Dean of Admissions Al Kohall has stressed the importance of the new metric, stating that, “It is impossible to cope with the reality of a lawyer’s 80-hour work week sober, and we believe this will ensure admission of students who are capable of excelling in the workforce.” He later added: “Students will also be prepared for the long Connecticut winters. You think I want to spend my time being cold and sad in the middle of nowhere and remember it?”

This current year’s applicants are in the midst of the tournament. Half are still standing and the other half already passed out after the first round, which consisted exclusively of ping pong ball based games. The second stage, occurring now, involves drinking until somebody finds the rules of Devil’s Triangle in an emptied-out law textbook on sex crimes, which will commence the final round. Reactions from these applicants has been mixed. Some commented on the fact that they would have been drinking heavily regardless and might as well be working on their future while doing so. Others reflected the

Yale thoughts of the quickly eliminated Katherine Kantdrink, who stated, “I spent years preparing the best possible background and knowledge base for my application, and it is absurd that I would lose my spot to the same men who stole my Adderall.”

The American Bar Association also criticized the change due to worry about misconceptions. Spokesperson Everyl Awyer said, “The general public, as well as law students, may fail to realize that the Bar exam is a two-day intensive test focused on legal principles rather than an assessment of one’s ability to consume beverages served at a college bar.”

However, some Yale graduates advising the exam’s production have reportedly created a “drinking game or sex act?” portion to be added in 2019.

Further scrutiny has come from some alumni, including Alli Quor and Ivan Tashot, who released a joint statement declaring: “Evaluating poise and ability while under the influence is an attack on the great tradition of this school.

Instead, focus should purely be on the quantity of drinks that applicants can consume before death by alcohol poisoning. This new policy could lead to a potential future leader — a Congressman or a Supreme Court Justice — not getting the chance he is entitled to by virtue of his family history and high school athletics.” When newly appointed Justice Brett Kavanaugh was asked to comment on the decision of his alma mater, Kavanaugh simply responded, “I like beer.”

We got apples as candy when we were kids, and that’s why we’re like this

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor.............................Rhys Shriver Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Design Editor.....................Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot

Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane Acting Copy Editor......Ethan Edward Coston Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain.......David Vereau Gorbitz D.C. Correspondent..........Mishelle Arakelian MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members

Satire so good it’s scary!

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. To whoever is reading this: You have never met a group of people more resilient or passionate than the beautiful people in The MQ. In the midst of midterms, editors and staff writers set aside studying and other duties in order to make jokes for your entertainment. This production started off a bit rough, but we were able to lift eachother up, and in the end we made more cereal jokes than anyone should make in their lifetime. We also made the funniest, most gorgeous centerspread I have ever seen in my life. Also, this production wouldn’t have been the same without people showing up in costumes! From obscure anime references, to half-naked gladiators, to minecraft creepers – we really went all out. And more than costumes, my favorite part of this production cycle had to be the addition of new staff writers! We had more articles submitted for this cycle than any other cycle in my time at UCSD. And most of them were written by people new to satire, not that you could ever tell! So many of these people show the kind of promise and dedication that keeps this paper running. I can’t wait to see what you folks come up with in the future. Until then, I’ll be waiting patiently in my creeper costume. XOXO, Sage

Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Melina Cruz Chris Doherty Sarah Ebert Daniel Eliyahu Salomon Gallo Kate Gonzalez Connor Gorry Dexter Hamilton

Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jade Hookham Jan Hsiao Catherine Krummenacher Daniel Kupor Sam Leaman Heather Lim Marina Nasief

Natalia Nenn Elizabeth Niculescu Avaneesh Pentaparthy Kavita Poduri Robert Renfro Isabelle Rupani Pilan Scruggs Andrew Sitko Declan Sullivan Vanessa Tian

Quoc Tran Barak Tzori Adian Valdez Sarah Wernher Jay Wilson Jack Yang Adam Yoshinaga Yilin Zhang Ricky Zhao Steven Zhou

Booster Club Thanks Jay (W), Stephen, and Isaac for the dollars used for dining; we are always happy to contribute to toppling the American dollar. Thank you Ethan for reprising the Dark Chocolate Quadratinis, Connor for the Cheez-it’s, and to Jessica for using real money and buying us stuff from Juan’s. Thanks to Rhys and Matt for providing off-brand Oreos and Weirdly-flavoured Oreos respectively.

Thanks to Daniel for bringing yogurt snacks and Jay (N) for giving us wings.

Finally, thank you Chris for providing both healthy and unhealthy snacks, you are a true dad.

theMQ.org

October 31, 2018

Page 3

Parking Lot to Be Removed, New Location for Parking Removal Committee Headquarters

“When do you think we’re getting windows?” a member of the Parking Removal Committee asked.

By Robert Renfro

U

Staff Writer

C San Diego Transportation Services announced on Monday that the Hopkins Parking Structure will be demolished in June 2019. In addition, Transportation Services announced that a new $120 million facility will serve as the headquarters for the newly formed Parking Removal Committee. The committee was formed shortly after the Muir parking lot closed, as the university was “unsure where else we could get rid of parking,” according to an anonymous post on Piazza.

The head of the committee, Les Newkirk, commented on the new building, “UC San Diego is a world-renowned research university. We need to look toward the future and

ask ourselves who we are as an institution. Do we want to be an institution that gets rid of parking all willy-nilly without planning? Or do we want to really plan out our destruction?”

Newkirk continued, “Imagine someone — say the Chancellor, hypothetically — walks into your office unannounced and says something along the lines of, ‘We need to build five more colleges.’

And there you are, sitting there, looking like a deer in the headlights and feeling highly unprepared. You say, ‘Sounds pretty sweet Boss, but I don’t know which parking lots to get rid of yet.’ Then, he just glares at you without saying another word and slowly walks out of the room without turning around, still glaring and getting visibly angrier. With this

committee, I — I mean you — I mean we — as an institution can avoid this situation.”

Some students echoed the sentiments of the committee head, “You know, this might sound weird, but I really like construction, the sights, and the smells. I always see the fences and orange cones and think, ‘What are they building over there?’ Also, I live on campus and don’t have a car, so I don’t see how my thoughts on getting rid of parking lots are relevant.

I don’t even know why you brought it up. Also, do you know where Center is? Oh, and don’t call me a freshman when you quote me because I have sophomore standing,” said UCSD freshman Kyle Murphy.

Despite this interview, reporters were not able to find

PHOTO By Hannah lykins

any other students who agreed with the freshman. Most other students interviewed said that the plan was “perhaps not the best idea,” “something to be at least mildly skeptical of,” and “absolute trash.”

The committee has already announced its next project.

The plans include eliminating Pangea so that a 200-foot solid gold statue of King Triton’s friend Kevin can begin construction. Newkirk explained the committee’s reasoning, “The committee, after much deliberation, came to the conclusion that it would boost morale among the student body if the whole campus was constantly under the watchful, yet caring, eye of Kevin.

Do you want do disappoint Kevin? No. See? It works — morale boosted.”

Congress Increases Government Transparency, Will Install New Windows

Have you not gotten enough scares in your life? Are you looking for a horror series that will make you relive your childhood fears? Or are you just nostalgic for a book series that fell into obscurity after you grew up to be scared of adult things like “taxes” or “forgetting to change the grading to ‘Pass/No Pass?’” Whatever your reason is, here is a list of some of the lesser-known R.L. Stine classics, so readers beware, you’re in for a scare!

Say Smuckers and Cry It was a cloudy day at UCSD and student Jarred Berford was getting ready for his 8 a.m. class.

Jarred expected to sit through his boring classes, do some homework in Geisel, and go home to play video games, but Jarred was far off course. Little did Jarred know, he would miss the 201 to UCSD, fail his midterm, and forget to get dinner while most fast food places were open. Left alone at 3 a.m., sobbing quietly into his switch controller, Jarred heard a sound coming from his kitchen cupboard. A sound both delicious and terrifying!

It came from my roommate’s mattress Beyond a simple gruesome scare, beyond a slightly creepy passage, “It Came From My Roommate’s Mattress” is an excellent study on the human psyche and an amazing psychological thriller.

This novel tells the grueling and debilitating story of the psychosomatic effects that can happen when you live with someone who keeps their mattress so disgustingly unattended that you can see it move, grow, and even gain a personality of its own.

The Curse of the Mummy’s Puberty

The U.S. government recently appointed a new Secretary of the Interior Design.

By Steven Zhou Staff Writer

F

ollowing accusations of a biased closed confirmation hearing of Brett Kavanaugh, Congress passed a Republican-sponsored bill “increasing congressional transparency” by installing larger glass windows on the Capitol.

The bill’s passage was bitterly partisan, with all the Republicans voting for it and all the Democrats voting against it.

“This bill symbolizes the Republican Party’s commitment to giving Americans what they truly want,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Regrettably, the Democrats are once again proving themselves obstacles to the future of America.” McConnell provided no comment when asked if he knew that “congressional transparency” was a figure of speech.

Democratic senators

were noticeably flustered while debating the bill. “I’m actually impressed with how idiotic the Republicans are,” said Senator Dianne Feinstein. “How did these people even get through law school?” Senator Cory Booker reportedly shook his head when Senator Lindsey Graham tried convincing him to switch his vote by offering to play him in the popular drinking game “Devil’s Triangle.” Even moderate Senator Joe Manchin couldn’t hold in his exasperation during the debate, where he took a swig from a flask of whiskey while declaring that the Senate “had no time to waste squabbling over trivial matters like this, when we could be voting more beer lovers into the judiciary.”

It will cost taxpayers around 100 million dollars to install the new window panes, due to both the amount of labor required to construct such large windows and the effort needed to “preserve the

Capitol’s structural and moral integrity.” Discussion about the window style has stalled, but Senator Orrin Hatch has hinted that Congress is leaning towards using bay windows to maximize the area of transparency into the Capitol.

Locals of Washington D.C. expressed some concerns over the installation of bay windows. One local resident commented, “I think the Capitol looks fine as it is.

In fact, after what happened, I think I’d rather have all windows removed.”

Another local shared her anger over the legislation, “How are these people still in office? Windows are not solving any of the problems with Kavanaugh’s confirmation.”

When asked for his opinion on this woman’s response, Senator Rand Paul laughed and replied, “Girls will be girls.”

With Republicans now holding power in all three branches of government, the Democrats’ attempts to

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

stall this installation have largely been futile. When asked about the future of the Democratic Party, Feinstein replied, “Things are very grim at the moment, but I think we can pull things around. As long as we avoid red states and keep reminding voters that they are unsophisticated hicks if they vote for our opponents, I’m sure we’ll continue to relate to Americans everywhere.”

At press time, Republican senators were overheard accusing their Democratic colleagues of “obstruction of de-obstruction.”

The Democrats responded by accusing Republicans for “obstructing their obstruction of de-obstruction because they obstructed their obstruction of objectionable Kavanaugh first.”

During this commotion, window industry lobbyists quietly handed “gifts” to senators, asking for their support in the future.

The classic children’s horror series “Goosebumps” is back with a horror novel dealing with the next step in a child’s life: Puberty! Watch as Ahmose the mummy deals with putting on deodorant, trimming his eyebrows, and realizing that everyone he ever loved has died centuries ago. Three rambunctious young teenagers, Sarah, Mark, and Kate, wake Ahmose. By the end of the book, The four create a friendship that will last however long Ahmose can live with debilitating joint pain. One of them might be from a different century, but that doesn’t stop them from having the scariest and funniest summer of their lives!

The Beast from PC East Austin Byrd is a run-of-the-mill Math-Computer Science major who wishes he could have actually gained admission into the computer science department. He works in Price Center to make extra cash, but mostly to get his mind off his personal failings.

He begins noticing a loud rumbling whenever he spends too much time on the third floor. Byrd decides to investigate, alone, without telling anyone, just like any good horror protagonist. You can probably guess how well this goes. Ultimately, the lesson we learn is that you’re more likely to get eaten by a monster than you are to be successful in the field you intended.

Page 4

theMQ.org

October 31, 2018

Human Woman Added to Endangered Species List

POINT

Parents, Watch Out for Drugs in Your Children’s Halloween Candy!

By Patricia Johnson

A

PHOTO By sage cristal

“The human woman’s coat changes with the season. Here you can see the LL Bean winter collection,” said a park ranger observing a woman.

By Sage Cristal Editor-in-Chief

F

ollowing Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation and appointment to the Supreme Court of the United States, the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) named human women as the most recent endangered species on Earth.

Last Monday, IUCN President Zhang Xinsheng held a press conference, where he urged politicians around the globe to create laws that preserve safe habitats for women.

This press release comes at a time of political polarization. This past October, alleged rapist and self-admitted beer lover Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed for the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh was ultimately confirmed by a vote led by “professional gaslighter” Mitch McConnell and was nominated by President Donald Trump, an alleged sexual assaulter himself.

Kavanaugh’s appointment proved to be “the decisive blow” to the already precarious position of security that the human woman exists in, according to the IUCN report. IUCN representatives confirmed that the accession of Kavanaugh — in addition to the wage gap in the United States, the threat of genital mutilation in most of Africa, and every recorded statistic on sexual assault — was what qualified human women for the endangered species list.

In the days following the announcement, the news provoked outpourings of shock and outrage from all cisgender men, while every other minority group described this report as “nothing new.” President and CEO of the Global Fund for Women Musimbi Kanyoro told reporters, “Us women have been endangered since Adam took a bite of the apple and told God that Eve did it. We’ve never had a say,

and we’ve never felt safe.”

Another women’s rights group, Equality Now, released a statement in response, “Women have always been threatened, but nevertheless, we’ve persisted.” Meanwhile, the National Organization of Women responded to this announcement with a single tweet that said, “LOL. What else is new?”

Although some men are taking the news seriously, many referred to the press release as “fake news.” Rob Bishop, chairman of the House Natural Resources Committee, told reporters, “I didn’t believe the scientists when they said that global warming was threatening the Great Barrier Reef, and I don’t believe those nerds now when they say that men and general masculinity are threatening women. It’s just ludicrous.”

Another denier of women endangerment, rapper Kanye West, said during a meeting with President Trump, “You

know, I love women. I love everyone, right? But the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel, as a guy, that didn’t get to see my dad all the time — like a guy that could play catch with his son. They think they’re in danger? My masculinity was in danger, but it was something about when I put this MAGA hat on, it made me feel like Superman. That was my — that’s my favorite superhero. I bet if women wore these hats, then they wouldn’t feel so in danger anymore.”

Following the press conference, IUCN President Xinsheng handed out pamphlets that listed ways in which worried citizens could help make human women feel safe in society. The pamphlet listed 428 specific acts that ordinary people can do to help the plight of human women, some of which were as succinct as “#24. Don’t Rape Women,” “#87. Don’t Kill Women,” and “#428. Respect Women.”

Concerned Parent

ttention, fellow parents! It has recently come to my attention that marijuana products have a striking resemblance to things our children could accept as candy. As a mother and Coronado Unified School District Parent Teacher Association president, this issue is my first priority, and it is my intention to do whatever I can to get harmful drugs out of our neighborhoods.

Since the legalization of marijuana in the state of California, I have been on watch to keep it from becoming a threat to the livelihood of our children. Now, I feel that the threat of terrible, childless outcasts bringing marijuana into the arms of clueless children is greater than ever.

Marijuana products can be bought legally, and they go straight from the hands of excriminals to the trick-or-treat bags of our ignorant children.

Yesterday, I saw a video on the internet platform Facebook showing a popular gummy bear brand and a visually similar edible marijuana. An example of these drug-addled hooligans’ plot to ruin our children’s health

was a gummy bear sugar snack into which neighborhoodruiners have injected the dangerous cannabinoid THC. This oral marijuana would be indistinguishable if it was sealed in a bag of this popular candy brand, and I have absolute faith that malicious adults would do so to trick our children into straying from a clean life with these mind-altering traps.

It saddens me to think that my child may be exposed to a life of crime because of some hippies who want to destroy their brain with THC. You can be sure that my son, Coronado Middle School Honor student Adrian Patrick Johnson, will not be caught with this psychedelic drug at any point in his life (but I can’t say the same about Rachel Peterson’s children)!

COUNTERPOINT

Wait, People Are Just Giving Away Free Edibles on Halloween?

By Buzz Peterson Intrigued Parent

S

o I hear some other parents are concerned about weed in their kids’ trick-or-treat candy. Why did nobody tell me about this?

You’re telling me I could have some THC Musketeers for free? You’re going to make The Big Bong Theory go out of business with so much free shit going around. To any rich-ass stoner who is giving away some extra green Jolly Ranchers for some reason, please let me know and you will find my lovely children — Peace, Strawberry, and John Peterson — in costume, wandering through your neighborhood this October 31. They will come to a good home and have a lot of Planet Earth-watching to induce.

But really, if there were any other stoner parents in this neighborhood, I think I would know. Don’t think I don’t know what the PTA moms say about me. It’s not like I’m trying to hide what I bring to meetings in my “It’s 420 somewhere” thermos. If anyone was pub-

lic enough about their love of the ganja to replace Butterfingers with Bud-terfingers, there’s no way they spliffed through my fingers.

And don’t even worry about your kids coming home from my house with more than just a sugar high this Halloween — let alone, if I’m awake to open the door for them. There’s no way I’m wasting that much money on candy I’m just going to give away. The spooky stash of sativa I’ve got ready for Halloween is for me and me alone. There’s going to be some festive fog around my place this Halloween, but let’s just say I’m not planning on buying a fog machine.

Choose your fighter

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

October 31, 2018

theMQ.org

Page 5

Political Pundit Fails at Asking Where Restroom Is, Wets Pants in Protest

UCSD Announces Destruction of Revelle, Marshall, and Muir to Make Room for Upcoming Seventh and Eighth Colleges

PHOTO By jack yang

“The water slide represents the great heights our school aspires to reach,” Khosla said.

The stream of pee running down Riddle’s jeans gave a new meaning to the term “trickle-down economics.”

By Jack Yang

L

Staff Writer

a Jolla cafe “Cool Beans” was the site of a one-man political demonstration this week as James Riddle, a 38-year-old political commentator and ‘Cool Beans’ regular, urinated in public.

Barista Pete Garrett witnessed the event and described that Riddle “served a ‘number one’ to unassuming customers — and I’m not talking about the ‘Whipped Hazelnut Latte.’”

“You bet I had an accident here,” says James Riddle, a notorious public urinator. “After three cups of the special ‘Iced Mocha Madness,’ I was really ready to take a leak, and I went up to ask where the bathroom was. I found the barista behind the counter and asked him where I could handle my business, but I don’t think he heard

me. And I thought, of course, all these useless millennials do is listen to dubstep music instead of having real jobs. He just kind of gave me this look and cocked his head a little. I tried speaking up a little louder and a little slower, asking him a second time, and he wasn’t even looking in my direction!

The nerve of this new generation! At that point, I really had to go, and I was pretty sure the customers behind me were watching me try to ask him.

That’s when I decided that it’s about time some change happened around here.”

The police found Riddle in a puddle of his own urine no more than three feet from the counter he purportedly walked up to.

Eyewitnesses claimed that Riddle climbed onto the counter and condemned

“this leftist establishment,” before urinating in his pants and leaping off the edge. Prior to this incident, Riddle was mostly known for his political podcast, “The Politically Incorrectuals,” which garnered over 50 listeners in the past year.

Barista Joel Peters was found mopping up Riddle’s mess by the seating area.

“Uh, who? Oh. Oh yeah, this dude came up to me, but he just kind of mumbled at me, man. He seemed kinda worried, but I was trying to fire-up the milk steamer for another lady’s order and I have to pay special attention to the timing on our cappuccinos if I don’t want to get chewed-out by my manager, so I had to leave for a second. Also, having the espresso machines running all the time makes it

By Melina Cruz

PHOTO By hannah lykins

kind of hard to hear around here. Most of the staff communicate in ASL these days. Anyway, I just have people point at their order on our menu and when they try to talk to me, I do what I always do with customers — smile and nod.

Works every time, bro. Except this time, I guess.”

Riddle is already writing a new political memoir — his fourth this year — from the “drunk tank” of the local police department. “This is only the beginning,” he says, furiously writing on the back of his citation paperwork.

“The location of that puddle will become the birthplace of the second American Revolution.” Riddle’s new book, “Nature’s Call: The Definitive Guide to Taking Back a Nation Turned Liberal,” comes out this November.

Humanities Professor Forgets to Close Porn Tab Before Lecture, Promptly Resigns

Staff Writer

T

he world-renowned University of California, San Diego announced its decision to tear down Revelle, Marshall, and Muir Colleges to make space for the upcoming Seventh and Eighth Colleges.

“We decided on the ageold saying ‘out goes the old and in comes the new,’” Seventh College Planning Task Force President Martha McCarthy stated. “It was tough picking which specific colleges would be the ones to go. Muir was our first choice, due to their constant piping about how great they are and that they’re the best college at UCSD. That was easy.

“We chose Marshall and Revelle based on multiple other factors, including merit, amount of layable grass, and relevance to UCSD’s image of prestige. Sixth was very close to razed instead of Marshall, but was ultimately left alone due to its relevance and some pity.”

Because of the amount of students currently housed in Muir, Marshall, and Revelle, the Seventh College Planning Task Force stated that they will spontaneously tear down the buildings very soon. Any students caught in the landslide will be merely swept along and reportedly not recovered from any rubble nor treated for any injuries, in an attempt to reduce re-housing complications. This process will happen during midterms, which allows for more participation and less students to provide housing compensation to. Some voiced their concern and terror about being destroyed along with the colleges, while others appear to

have different opinions.

“Oh, thank God,” said one anonymous student housed in Muir. “I’m this close to dropping out anyways. Topple those buildings, baby.”

“This is alright,” says another student. “Being part of Revelle was great, and going down with the college seems ridiculously noble as hell. I’ll be like a hero! Maybe now I’ll get laid if I survive.”

“Would I still have to pay back my student loans?” questioned another student, “If I do, please send the entire bill to my asshole dad. My mom doesn’t deserve this shit.”

Seventh and Eighth College will “no doubt, be bigger and better than ever,” according to the eighth chancellor of UCSD, Pradeep K. Khosla. All attributes of Revelle, Marshall, and Muir will be incorporated in these new colleges as well as “fun and fresh elements to attract new students.” These elements include “death-defying” water slides, upsidedown staircases, and trees delivered directly from the Amazon Rainforest. The organizers and designers of these two colleges claim they were inspired by UCSD’s idol Theodore Seuss Geisel, otherwise known as Dr. Seuss, and a way to “finally get those rich party-school students.”

“This is going to be a turning-point in UCSD’s history,” Khosla declared. “A moment for all of us to be proud of and a new bragging point for one of the U.S.’s greatest schools.

We hope that when the time comes to tear down Seventh and Eighth Colleges in 10 years, we can continue to improve.”

TOP Ten

Reasons Why the Cops Are at Your Neighbor’s Door While most students seemed to be in shock, one was seen vigorously taking notes.

By Adian Valdez Staff Writer

E

van Burnsbury, a UCSD professor in the humanities department, quit his job after displaying a pornographic website on the projector in front of his HILD 2A class.

According to student eyewitnesses, Professor Burnsbury was giving a lecture on the first draft of the Constitution and clicked away to show the class a Schoolhouse Rock program, only to reveal the video “Sluts from Hell 3: Zombies with Implants” to the entire auditorium.

“It was crazy,” said student Eduardo Ramirez. “Burnsbury put that on the big screen.

When he tried to exit the page, he clicked play instead! You

should’ve seen the look on his face. And it took him like 20 seconds to get rid of the video.

But you have to respect the man — he has good taste. SFH 3 is in my top five.”

“Half of us were shocked and silent, but the other half were screaming with laughter,” recounted Sarah Blemely, a TA for Professor Burnsbury. “After he finally managed to close the video, he took his iPad and booked it straight to the bathroom.”

Students received an email from UCSD’s humanities department hours later stating that Burnsbury took a leave of absence and that all students would receive an extra ten points on their midterm, provided that “nobody sues.”

UCSD’s administrative office confirmed that Prof. Burnsbury resigned only 20-minutes after the incident occured, citing “tax reasons” as he ran out the door. An anonymous faculty member corroborated the administration’s story: “Yeah, Burnsy forgot rule numero uno. Always close all your windows before heading to lecture. We even have that printed in the professor’s handbook. Actually, we lost at least six people last year for the exact same thing.”

Mobile phone footage collected from public Snapchat and Instagram stories show Burnsbury attempting to retrieve the clicker that he threw across the room in shock, tripping and fall-

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

ing on his way. Later videos show Burnsbury sprinting off campus into a Starbucks, where he reportedly made a quick exit after displaying another pornographic video to the barista whilst attempting to pay via the Starbucks mobile app.

“Man, Professor B’s into some weird shit,” said an anonymous student. “He had multiple tabs open and it just got weirder as you looked to the right. ‘Grandma is Bound and Tickled Mercilessly?’

Where do you even find something like that?”

Professor Burnsbury declined to be interviewed, but only after he first inadvertently sent a link to “Grandpa Gets Dominated

by Furry Master.”

10. The plan worked 9. Their family meth lab finally exploded 8. Your friend ordered the strippers to the wrong address 7. It’s CopCon 2018 6. You switched the numbers on your house and their house 5. They needed to borrow some sugar 4. You and your friends solved the mystery of who’s scaring people down at the pier 3. They accidentally hit “reply all” when they were talking about their bank robbery 2. It’s La Jolla and they have more than six girls in one apartment 1. That’s what you get for living next to a bunch of cops

y t r a P n e e w o l l a H y M

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I hid this candlestick in the conservatory. No one found it, but no one guessed I was the murderer either, so it didn’t really matter

The guests were surprised by how sharp the forks were.

They were especially surprised when I started stabbing them with the forks

Reese’s Pieces, M&Ms, and Skittles combo bowl

Cookies lovingly baked, but horribly burnt

October 31, 2018

Make-your-own hamburger

Meat pies from the shop under the barber

Kool-Aid shots

Everyone got their moves on when this baby came out, especially when it came out swinging and knocked someone’s head off

MY F

S O C Special brownies, but not the weed kind

October 31, 2018

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I threw the spookiest Halloween party ever this weekend. Everyone was scared to death, and I had such a good time. It was a little crazy at times; some people lost their heads! Some others lost their arms. I managed to murder almost everyone! Sure a few people escaped, but I know everyone enjoyed the food, so that’ll catch up to them in a couple days. I’m the only one that’s going to remember this magical night, but I’ll remember it forever!

Anyone who tried to take more than one candy was stabbed by this little guy. It was a helpful marker to whom I should kill first

My warm mannequin collection creeped everyone out. I guess some people don’t appreciate art. I made sure to add those people to the collection

I actually forgot to disconnect this TV from my surveillance system. Luckily it didn’t spoil anything. Everyone told me it was “so meta”

E T I R FAVO S!

E M U ST

Ketchup - the costume Frankenstein’s monster dressed up as Elsa was functional by 11 P.M.

Scarlett Johansson in yet another Asian role

Someone came out of the bathroom wearing a knife

Sexy Body Bag

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October 31, 2018

CALPIRG Hires Ghosts to Harass Students in Their Dreams

Apologetic Professor “Feels So Bad” About Requiring One Thousand Dollar Textbook

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

PHOTO By sage cristal

“You can run from poor air quality, but you can’t hide!” said a CALPIRG ghost.

By Ethan Edward Coston Acting Copy Editor

U

CSD CALPIRG Chair Sophie Haddad announced on Tuesday that the money from the CALPIRG student fee referendum students approved last Spring Quarter will go toward a new campaign titled “Ghost Initiative.”

CALPIRG will hire ghosts to harass students in their sleep in order to convince them to sign a petition.

Haddad said CALPIRG will use the ghosts to haunt students in their dreams and will not stop until the unsuspecting victims either join CALPIRG or commit to donating to their latest campaign.

When asked if she thinks students will dislike the new campaigning method,

Haddad said, “I don’t see why anyone would dislike being haunted. I mean, students took really well to being chased down Library Walk until they voted ‘yes’ on our referendum last quarter — we got an overwhelming positive response — so I think they will like being harassed in their dreams. Besides, it’s all about the chase anyways.

That’s what makes campaigning fun! Who doesn’t like a little bit of haunting?”

In a recent poll, 97 percent of students said they would not take well to being haunted in their sleep — the other three percent were members of CALPIRG. Some participants in the poll were vocal about their indignation.

“Oh my God! What are they trying now? Ghosts? Re-

ally?” said Natalie Somney, a third-year from Warren College. “I already only get three hours of sleep a night due to the existential dread of being a student and realizing I’ll never pay back my student loans.

“I really cherish the little sleep I get. I don’t want it to be wasted because CALPIRG can’t find a better way to use their money. I don’t know — maybe they could use it to actually save the bees or do something productive.”

CALPIRG gained notoriety for their aggressive tactics during last spring’s elections, such as following students down Library Walk, obstructing a bike path using an inflatable sea turtle, and releasing beehives into the rooms of students that refused to vote “yes.”

“During the elections last year, someone from CALPIRG followed me down Library Walk and all the way into my lecture in Pepper Canyon even though I had my headphones in and ignored them,” said Alexandra Bartram, a fourthyear from Sixth College. “Joke’s on them. I couldn’t hear a word they said because I was blasting ‘God is a Woman’ on repeat the whole time. I voted ‘no’ just to spite them.”

When confronted about the poll numbers and lack of student support, Haddad said the ghosts will help improve their support among students that sleep — a small demographic. When asked to elaborate, Haddad disappeared in a flurry of “Save the Bees” flyers.

The MQ’s Guide to Pumpkin Carving Get into the Halloween spirit and carve some pumpkins this October!

Check out our guide for some Jack-O-Inspiration and tips to create the rotting vegetable of your dreams!

Pumpkin Carving Tips When you think you are done, throw it at the ceiling. If it sticks, it’s done Frankenpumpkin

Jack-FrostO-Lantern

Remember, the pumpkin is more scared of you than you are of it If your pumpkin bleeding, keep going

is

Keep telling yourself pumpkins can’t feel pain Remember words

Derek-O-Flashlight

Jacked-O-Lantern

your

safe

To tell if your pumpkin is genuine, knock on it and it should knock back

“It might not be as comfy as a pillow, but it sure costs a lot more,” said one student.

By Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Design Editor

F

ollowing the conclusion of the first round of midterms at UCSD, university administrators were reportedly surprised to learn that Professor Rico Goldwater’s ECON 180 class no longer held the worst midterm grades at the university. In an official memo, Goldwater credited the improvement solely to the adoption of a new eBook system for the class. The eBook in question reportedly costs $999.99 and is only accessible through an online service for which students must purchase a $249.99 four-month subscription. According to students, Goldwater apologized for the steep costs but insisted that “this is the price of education.”

Goldwater’s memo outlines the impetus for the book change, starting with a realization of the “burden” which textbooks represented. Goldwater decided to “relieve” this burden by switching from a physical textbook to an eBook of the same textbook. In order to “make the most of the eBook,” Goldwater decided to employ a subscription-based application called GiveMeTheGreen

by ORO, which the developer claims is named after the green marks a student will receive in the gradebook when they use the application correctly.

When asked why he prefers using GiveMeTheGreen, Goldwater explained that it is “all for the students’ benefit,” and it encourages students to learn the information the first time around. While reading the eBook, the application gives one-chance questions interspersed in the text, so that students cannot skim through the

readings. Once a question appears, the screen is locked and Control+F is disabled so that the students’ integrity can be ensured. If there are more than two questions wrong out of the 100 given in a chapter, a fee is charged. The exact amount grows exponentially with each question they get wrong.

Along with quizzes in the homework, questions are asked during the class period for participation points. These in-class quizzes are not a part of the default subscription, but require an extra fee of $49.99 per month. Goldwater clarified that these quizzes are “optional practice for those who want it, since participation is only 15 percent of the grade.”

Sixth-year student Rebecca Groe commented, “I don’t get why he doesn’t just use iClickers. I’ve had one since my first quarter here and never experienced a problem. I have to take this class to be able to graduate this year and it is only offered this quarter. I am trying to avoid having to change my major a seventh time.”

After receiving many emails from students asking about iClickers, Goldwater responded on Monday with an email to the whole class.

“What is gonna set my class apart from others if I just used the same system as everyone else? Are you really getting quality education from something that only costs you $52.99? Is it really sending your answer and recording that you did? I don’t think so. Too many people put blind trust in it. The company ORO is family to me and so I know the students can put their trust in us. $1399.95 is a small price to pay to be able to get the ‘A’ you want from me.”

TOP Ten

Reasons You Should Be Suspicious of That Doctor 10. When they write a prescription, they say they’re referring you to “their dealer” 9. He insists that people refer to him as “Mr.” instead of “Dr.” 8. They pushed the idea of a prostate exam a little too hard 7. You’re pretty sure they’re a pre-med student 6. For some reason they keep salting you 5. They’re using their stethoscope as a belt 4. Half of the office is being used as a meat locker 3. You saw them looking things up on WebMD 2. They have their doctorate in journalism 1. They own the mortuary next door

October 31, 2018

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Boy Scout Badges, Third Grade Reading Level to Be Considered in Sexual Assault Cases

UCSD Introduces ‘Pay-to-Sit’ Classes

PHOTO By stephen lightfoot

Students wanted to do a sit-in to protest this policy, but it would’ve been too expensive.

By Pilan Scruggs Staff Writer

I

“Sure my defendant likes beer,” said one lawyer, “but he also enjoys table manners and learning to tie knots.”

By Summer Davis Staff Writer

C

olleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade reading level, and the approximate number of old ladies assisted across the street.

This new policy is part of the Department of Education’s program to combat sexual assault on campus: Halting Improper Misallegations Towards Our Own, or HIM TOO. Betsy DeVos, the Trump administration’s Secretary of Education who is best known for holding a phone to her ear while parked cars play rap music, explained the rationale behind the proposal. “Sexual assault cases on college campuses are fundamentally ‘he said, she lied’ media circuses.

“We’re simplifying the process by taking all the rel-

evant facts into consideration, such as stories about these young men’s characters and estimations of how much they stand to lose by being arrested for a crime,” she continued. “Things like the nice reviews their kindergarten teacher gave them on their first report card, or the sworn statement of their AYSO soccer coach give us a good look on how well these students have responded to someone counting to three and threatening to take away their Xbox.”

Many agree with the Department of Education’s proposal, arguing that if allegations of assault can potentially damage a student’s reputation, the accused should be able to prove that they are on the brink of success and would be negatively impacted by being caught committing a crime.

“I didn’t know my actions had consequences until I was, like, 21,” said college student

and current record holder for most keg stands done on a roof, Brenton Antonoff. “I was late to my internship for a couple weeks in a row, and my dad had to call me into his office to explain that stuff like that really matters.”

Brenton continued, “Like, how are guys supposed to know that girls don’t like the stuff we do at parties? We can’t really hear them over the music and chants for them to take their shirts off.”

On the other side, activists claim that the proposal clearly violates Title IX’s protections against sexual assault and harassment. “Men’s reputations are being protected more than women’s health and well-being,” said civil rights attorney Fatima Lowrie. “Sexual assault cases shouldn’t require a powerpoint presentation on male students’ greatest moments.

“I’ve witnessed parents bringing baby albums to

PHOTO By Jessica ma

hearings,” Lowrie continued.

“Frankly, their time would have been better served putting the cameras down and teaching their sons to stop ripping the heads off Barbies.”

Despite the backlash, male students expect the new policy will return women to their correct legal status established under the historical precedent of the Salem Witch Trials. “I don’t want allegations from my time in college to affect how people see me in the future. I mean, I have a little sister. That’s, like, basically a tiny woman, and I respect her,” Brenton said.

“I’m teaching her how to be smart and successful. She already knows her alphabet, how to use the buddy system when she tries to go anywhere, and how to do some serious damage with her safety scissors. I even got little Susie her first pink pepper spray for her sixth birthday.”

Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme

By Stephen Lightfoot Graphics Editor

I

n a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following the raid, police were seen carrying out laptops and official documents. The arrest was highly criticized by phasmophobics like Trent Arellano who were reportedly feeling “quite spooked.” Arellano later took to social media to voice his concern, posting, “I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see a ghost now.

Who am I gonna call?”

Despite this, Commissioner O’Neill brushed away any criticism of the arrests, explaining that the Ghostbusters had been engaging in criminal profiteering by knowingly releasing captured ghosts back into New York City to “double-dip” on any jobs that could arise from the capture of the phantoms.

Commissioner O’Neill also made an open plea to legislators in New York, asking that further regulation be drafted to combat the “lenient” legislation in the paranormal sector. “By patenting and copyrighting all equipment and brand imagery they have, the Ghostbusters have created a monopoly, which forbids any competitors from entering the market. They may not ‘be afraid of no ghost,’ but they’re certainly terrified of healthy business practices.”

Each member of the team

n efforts to accommodate another record-breaking year of incoming students, UCSD administrators have announced what many believe to be a controversial plan: Payto-Sit lecture sections.

“After calculating statistics on class sizes, waitlist enrollment, and similar things, we realized that we had a major problem brewing,” admitted Natalie Jameson, a representative from the Office of the Registrar. “We called an emergency meeting, bounced ideas off each other while waiting for our Einstein Bros. catering to arrive, and this is what we got. Oh, and everyone got nice, warm bagels for participating.”

The data revealed that only 4.7 percent of undergraduates who waitlisted in their respective classes for the current term successfully enrolled by the add deadline. Even with some professors expanding their class sizes to admit more students, Jameson described the statistic as “shockingly low.”

“The university exists to serve the students, but if this many kids cannot enroll, then we’re not fulfilling our promise, are we?” she reported.

“And seeing as we’ve already maximized lecture hall capacities by shrinking the desks, this seemed like the most feasible option.”

While the fine details of the plan have yet to be revealed, the administration has published a rough outline. Pay-toSit will ultimately affect every room on campus, but next quarter it will only impact the largest rooms. When enrolling for a class on WebReg, students will be alerted and subsequently asked whether or not they would like to pay an additional fee to reserve a seat for the quarter if they attempt to enroll in an impacted room.

Any student who does so then must swipe their campus ID

card to access their seat at the start of every class. Those who do not wish to pay will either have to sit on the stairs or stand in the walkways.

“I like it,” said Dean Cameron of the Department of Urban Studies and Planning. “While it won’t affect my 30-studentcourses for a while, it sounds like a practical way to maximize the number of students per professor. I’ve also heard rumors from other faculty members about phasing out iClickers in favor of these seats for taking attendance.”

Adding to Cameron’s point, Jameson shared that she has already received proposals from colleagues to incentivize paying for seats.

“For now, we’re just trying to get our initial plan out the door, but ultimately we hope to build a model similar to airline classes. One person suggested that we make seats with more legroom, or larger desks, more expensive. Somebody else thought that maybe a student who pays an additional fee on top of the seat fee could request a snack or drink upon arrival. We’ve already contacted HDH, Starbucks, Tapioca Express, and other companies to discuss this possibility.”

However, when asked about the price, Jameson immediately grew tight-lipped and claimed that she could not disclose any further information.

“I can tell you that it’s extremely tricky to set-up. Everyone has different seat preferences, and we’ll do our best to remember that when finalizing the prices. Students should expect a survey within two weeks to help us determine which seats should be worth more — front, back, aisle, middle, and so on.”

As for the hazards that could arise from more students standing in the back rather than sitting in the chairs, Jameson waved them away and assured that “we know what we’re doing, trust us.”

PHOTO By hannah lykins

“Who are you gonna call?” asked the judge. “You better start by calling your lawyers.” was held with a $500 thousand bail which was met within mere hours of being arrested. Peter Venkman, leader of the Ghostbusters, released a written statement shortly after his release. “The allegations brought forward

by Commissioner O’Neill are wholly wrong,” Venkman stated. “My team and I work diligently to capture all sorts of ghouls across the city, and the notion that we abuse our customers — the people of this city — is hysterical. All of our cases include a five-year, re-haunting warranty which O’Neill and the city of New York refused to mention in their attacks on me and my team. Living in New York City is frightening enough on its own, and at least we’re trying to do something about it.

Though many citizens have spoken out against the

arrests, various spirits from across the city have voiced their approval. “They were horrible,” Epoch, a local wraith, stated. “I’m already damned for all eternity to see my lover’s murderer every time I close my eyes, but when I was captured, I finally felt like I could relax in peace.

And then the Ghostbusters just released me in a different part of the city which made my eternal damnation feel like a lifetime. And it’s not like you can hide to avoid capture.

I mean, shit, I’m a seven-foottall, purple widow who constantly wails out in mourning every few hours. I might as well be holding a giant target that says, ‘Aim your Proton Pack Here!’”

Though the Ghostbusters currently face legal issues, their public support has not faltered. One woman, who

found it necessary to clarify that she was not paid in any way for her statement, issued an enthusiastic message of encouragement.

“Sure, they may destroy thousands of dollars’ worth of property all around the city,” she began. “And yeah, the allegations of undermining the very industry they’re engaging in are pretty bad, but at the end of the day, you gotta love ‘em! They’ve got action figures and other merch at all your favorite toy stores, and they’re about to start franchising all over the country! Plus, Ray Parker, Jr. made a song about them, and I hear there might be a sick clearance sale on CD’s of that poppin’ soundtrack on the 8th and 29th! Everything must go!”

You’re supposed to lift me higher, Jack

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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October 31, 2018

UCSD Implements New “Hunger Games"-Style Lottery to Deal with Overflow

Local Haunted House Decorated with All the Things Millennials Killed

PHOTO By JESSICA MA

“No God, please,” the woman said, as she ran out of the house.

“You can’t kill marriage, it’s all I have.”

By Katlyn Andrade Staff Writer

L

The only person that got to be a Computer Science major after the event was Jennifer Lawrence.

By Melina Cruz Staff Writer

A

n unprecedented number of students were admitted to UCSD this year, exceeding the amount of available on-campus housing.

Overflow students were redistributed around campus as a stopgap measure. This temporary solution has been met with pushback from students, especially transfers in The Village who have been forced to live in overcrowded rooms. A more lasting resolution did not emerge until October 8, when campus administration announced that these “lucky” overflow students would have their housing arrangements determined by a new “'Hunger Games'-style" lottery.

Members of the Chancellor’s Cabinet expressed confidence in their remedy

for the situation. “This event will have much of the same enthusiasm as the UnOlympics,” an anonymous official stated. “Thus, we will gather unsuspecting freshmen who have nothing better to do than come watch.” They dubbed the special event “The Education Games,” and prizes will include proper living arrangements, continued enrollment at the university for the winners, and free t-shirts.

All overflow students will gather in RIMAC Field. Numerous weapons and equipment will be available, ranging from balloon animals leftover from TritonFest to heavy metal bats donated

by Triton Athletics. “The last 100 students standing will be scattered into other colleges, excluding The Village,” one official clarified. “After their latest riot with picket signs

and squirt guns filled with mysterious liquid, we chose to leave the transfers alone.”

“One thing I’m sure of is that this will skew some numbers on freshman GPA statistics next year,” commented a professor from the Cognitive Science Department, when questioned about how this will affect student health. “But I wouldn’t worry! These are UCSD kids, they’ll be fine with a few brain cells obliterated.”

When questioned about the ethical implications of this “fight to the death,” the cabinet rushed to defend their actions by emphasizing how this will represent the importance of UCSD’s reputation.

“Surely, the message this will send to students is that UCSD is a school ‘worth dying for,’ so to speak,” declared Chancellor Khosla. “We can further develop our image and

PHOTO By jessica ma

massive importance in the city of San Diego. It’s much like our constant construction projects that the general public couldn’t ignore if they tried; no such thing as bad publicity!”

The cabinet discussed allowing overflow students to compete in a second game if “The Education Games” are a success. They base the entire Class of 2023 housing process off this type of event. Regardless, all overflow students must be prepared to fight for their spot in the Class of 2022.

“This is kind of lame, to be honest,” said overflow freshman Peter Miller, while sharpening a metal ruler into a shiv. “If I wanted to go somewhere I’d have to crush and maim my peers just to keep my spot, I would have applied to Berkeley.”

Area Student Breaks World Record for Number of Questions Asked During Single Lecture

ast week, La Jolla cat owner and self-proclaimed “Head of the Homeowners Association” Jessica Smith convinced her community to enhance an alleged “paranormal” home into a more enticing attraction this holiday season. Known for still shopping at Forever 21 despite being in her mid-40’s and for running her home-life blog “Smith’s Secrets,” Smith told reporters that she was very eager to start the project. After driving past the home and shuddering on numerous occasions, she reported that she had no other choice “for the betterment of the community.

“It’ll focus on all the things that are wrong with society nowadays — no one’s buying homes, tying the knot, or having children. Who’s to blame?

Not my husband and I, that’s for sure. It’s the millennials.

They’re killing us, our industries, and our future! And all they’re doing is complaining.

It’s ridiculous!”

Smith announced plans to take matters into her own hands, along with others in the greater La Jolla area. After petitioning for a few days, the community gathered enough signatures to transform the haunted house.

“With the community rallied behind me," Smith commented, “we’ve worked relentlessly to make the home terrifying. My fellow cat, homeowners, and I covered both the front and back doors with disposable razors in order to mimic the re-occurring ‘No Shave November’ trend sweeping the nation. Unopened beer bottles line windowsills and porch railings in an attempt to salvage the beer industry and make it appeal to millennials. We also use nothing more expensive than $12 wine coolers. We hung maxed

out credit cards from the gutters because it seems like there’s nothing scarier to millennials than bad credit. We’ve also painted the home’s white picket fence highlighter pink and slathered it with glitter in order to play on its originality.”

On Tuesday afternoon, a group of senior citizens entered the home after coming back from bingo at the La Jolla Community Center.

When asked about the incident, local fifth grader Miles T. Moore commented, “I was playin’ street ball with my friend Joseph and all we heard were screams. Not those girly shrieks, but more like groans? I don’t know, but when we went to go look, my granny was collapsed on the floor with her friends.”

After learning of the incident, Smith released a statement saying, “The elderly were weeping after going through the house. After reviewing the medical records, it appears that they were left with considerable lasting stress, with some unable to recollect the event entirely.” Jessica Smith publicly apologized to those affected later that week.

Rumors of the haunted house spread all over La Jolla, and UCSD students commented on their intrigue, saying, “After trudging through Torrey Pines and surviving toxic construction dust, we were kinda just disappointed.”

“It wasn’t actually scary at all,” said Kiara Guzman, one student who explored the house. “If anything, it was kind of like a cool, ironic art piece.

It really got me and my lifestyle. I felt so understood. My friend broke down laughing on the spot. I think the huge inflatable baby on the lawn broke him,” Guzman continued, “I know Mrs. Smith tried to create a spooky haunted house, but like diamonds and fine wines, millennials aren’t buying it.”

TOP Ten

Reasons the Aliens Have Yet to Take Over PHOTO By JESSICA MA

“Professor, is it true that if I say a statement with a question inflection, you’ll think I’m smarter?” Stokowski asked.

by Tiffany Hamilton Staff Writer

A

rea student Jakob Stokowski broke the Guinness World Record for the number of questions asked during a one-hour college lecture last Monday morning.

Stokowski asked his professor, Dr. Lilian Jiang, a total of 94 questions during his Introduction to Biology class, crushing the previous record of 65.

Fellow student Stephanie Ortiz stated that she recorded the lecture on her cell phone to study the material later.

“When I watched it, I realized that it was just Jakob’s voice the whole time,” Ortiz explained. “I was complain-

ing to my roommate about it, and she told me to email the video to Guinness, like, as a joke. I didn’t think they would actually give him the record.”

Ortiz then posted the video on YouTube, where it quickly gained a staggering 13 views.

The footage primarily features Stokowski, who asked most of his questions with his hand only at chest height while Dr. Jiang was speaking or writing something on the chalkboard.

A student sitting in the row behind him attempted to respond to some of Dr. Jiang’s comments, but Stokowski always spoke up before anyone else could.

Stokowski said he was “overjoyed” when he received

the news that he was now a world-record holder. “I always knew that I was destined for greatness,” he elaborated. “I got a three on the AP Bio test in high school, so I already know most of the material, but the prof was teaching it weirdly. I wanted to clarify the finer points of the lecture.”

Other students in the class commented on the event.

“He actually asked, ‘Is the mitochondria really the powerhouse of the cell?’ before going on a five-minute rant about chloroplasts. And we’re taking human bio,” stated one student.

“He said that Rosalind Franklin was ‘just a technician’ and that Watson and

Crick were the ones who discovered the double-helix structure, while Dr. Jiang was going over the history of DNA,” commented another undergraduate in the course.

She rolled her eyes before continuing, “He kept saying, ‘But I thought … but this … but that … ’ Dude was clearly talking out of his ass.”

During a brief interview, Dr. Jiang stated that she was “glad the students are so enthusiastic about the course,” and that Stokowski “would fit right in at medical school.” When asked if he was her star student, she laughed before replying that FERPA prevented her from sharing that information.

10. They only visited Ohio 9. Not enough “S” spots 8. They don't want to deal with climate change 7. Oxygen is incredibly poisonous to most intelligent life 6. They only put in the effort to learn hieroglyphics, and now they need to start over 5. Education is free on Mars 4. They knew that if they came down here, we'd all want to fuck them 3. They don't want to eat dinner with your racist uncle 2. You think they haven't taken over?

1. Budget cuts

October 31, 2018

theMQ.org

Page 11

Fourth-Year Student Discovers Textbooks Have More Than Just Homework Codes

Lights & Sirens Friday, October 26

3:03 p.m. - Disturbance. Man urinated in

pants at a coffee shop. Report taken.

4:12 p.m. - Vandalism. Student found

breaking Spin bike lock with another Spin bike. Suspect evaded arrest.

9:44 p.m. - Noise disturbance. Man was

holding a boombox outside a Tioga Hall window.

Verbal warning was issued and ignored. Detained, no charges filed.

11:19 p.m. - Alcohol contact. Student

found in possession of alcohol, claimed to be for “treating wounds.” Alcohol confiscated, referred to Student Conduct.

Saturday, October 27

PHOTO By Jay noonan

“I can’t fucking read,” said Calderon.

By Quoc Tran Staff Writer

S

tacey Calderon, a fourthyear student at UC San Diego, reportedly discovered that her textbooks contained more than just codes to access online homework assignments put up by her professors. Calderon shared her revelation in a post on the Facebook group “UCSD Free and For Sale 2.0,” telling her classmates that there were “hints and tips on how to do the homework if you look through the pages of the textbooks,”and compared these pages to “an offline ‘Chegg’ or ‘Yahoo! Answers.’”

The reaction by other UCSD students to this post was mixed, though a majority of the comments chastised her for marking the

post “FREE” when there was in fact nothing to be given away for free. However, some students stated their thanks for this tip, noting that the content in these textbooks was very similar to their professors’ lectures and could be used to learn the subject matter before important lectures and exams. In the active discussion initiated on the post’s comment section, opponents firmly declared that it always has been and always will be impossible to learn information besides cramming and comparing hastily taken notes with fellow classmates.

One such opponent, secondyear student Hector Ruiz, expressed doubt at the prospect, commenting, “There’s no way that profs would plagiarize from these so called textbooks. That’s an academic

integrity violation.”

Despite the mixed reception to her discovery on the Facebook group, Calderon reported exceptional joy at her own discovery. She states that it has helped her tremendously in her classes. “Not only am I still able to do my homework online, but now I actually understand it. Instead of typing the problems verbatim into Google and immediately forgetting them, I am now able to remember this material well past completing the homework and into the following exams. This a breakthrough in the way that students can learn.”

Dr. Dana Watkins, an education researcher at UCSD, echoed Stacey Calderon’s sentiment, believing that Calderon’s discovery would lead to a paradigm shift in the way

college students are educated.

Dr. Watkins’ research focuses on ways to convince students to pay attention in class after iClicker questions are given, but her lab also studies how students can study classroom material outside of the school.

There had been some preliminary research in producing material that students could take home and study from, though research eventually stated that students had not found a “trove of knowledge as dense and comprehensive” as the content in the textbooks that Calderon discovered. Calderon reported feeling pleasantly surprised that her discovery would lead to new scientific breakthroughs.

She described that she was “mostly just happy I might pass Math 10A this time.”

make like a tree and brief UCSD Giraffe Catchers Catch First Giraffe The giraffe catchers installed in the Eucalyptus Forest unleashed mayhem last week when they caught their first giraffe. Giraffe catchers were installed in 1967 and held a record-breaking capture rate of zero percent across their 51-year career. Giraffes from the San Diego Zoo broke this record last week when they broke out of their confinement and roamed the streets around San Diego, where several giraffes walked into the forest path by Price Center and wandered into the giraffe catchers.

Zoologists from the San Diego Zoo reported that a lion, a zebra, a hippo, and four penguins are still unaccounted for after the San Diego Police and Fire Department were still out looking for them.

Official sources claim that the animals were sedated in the train station terminal and are currently being shipped to a Kenyan wildlife preserve.

Unofficial sources claim that the shipment was destroyed and the animals ended up being cast-away, where they were allegedly welcomed by friendly Lemurs into the Madagascar coast.

tended their first collective assembly on campus at the RIMAC field for the Fall Y’all music festival on September 23. Students reported that aside from the music choices, the large queues were the most unappealing part of the event. Approximately 18,000 students came and over half of them were in the process of queuing at any point of time during the event.

Outside the event entrance, in which four tables were present at separate gates, security was ensuring that students going through the checkpoint took out their phones and backpacks.

“Research shows that practices of communism help American students understand the power of order,” explained the head of security, Roger Wilmington, “and the importance of sacrificing shortcuts — by not entering places straight ahead, but instead by making longer paths to take to enhance the students’ chance of intimate, unitary contact.”

“It’s fun queuing,” said freshman Jesse Anderson, before mechanically moving closer to the front. “I haven’t had a chance to get close to all the other students. Anderson continued, in a flat monotonous voice. "You should join us in this lovely line,” Anderson continued, “It feels good to be a part of a collective.”

hot dogs reported stolen from a fridge on 4th floor of Tioga Hall. Report taken.

3:09 a.m. - Disturbance. Woman confused

officer for stripper, persisted in demanding a “cavity search.” Detained, no charges filed.

2:45 p.m. - Disturbance. Woman reported

“ASMRing” people with a vacuum cleaner. Detained, no charges filed.

5:32 p.m. - Found item. Spin bike with

broken-off lock found in the ocean near Scripps pier. Report taken.

8:28 p.m. - Suspicious person. Student

reported putting tiny rollerblades on raccoons.

Suspect fled on arrival, three raccoons with rollerblades found. Report taken.

Sunday, October 28

New Bed and Break- UCSD now PracticLocal Grandfast “Stay-cy’s ing Communism in mother Struggles Mom” Has Got It fall y'all Queue to Give Away the Incoming students atGoin’ On Most Food After many months of waiting, I couldn’t be more excited to announce the grand opening of the prestigious new bed and breakfast, “Staycy’s Mom.” Run by mysterious new up-and-comer Wayne Fountain, this B&B is all any guest could ever want. Now, I finally see that airbnb is not the place for me.

I enjoyed the immense pleasure of staying the night at “Stay-cy’s Mom” on its first night open, and boy was I impressed. I spent much of my stay hanging around by the pool with just a towel on, but I was also treated to friendly customer service and a very comfortable room. I could tell that the other guests visiting liked “Stay-cy’s Mom,” judging by the way they stared at all the inn’s beautiful features.

“Stay-cy’s Mom” is the perfect getaway for guests of all ages. Stay for a weekend, come over after school, or visit on your way back from a business trip. You might think a bed and breakfast this exquisite would be just a fantasy; but I promise, you’ll fall in love with “Stay-cy’s Mom.”

12:51 a.m. - Petty theft. One and a half

San Diego Grandmother Ruth Klein reported difficulty upholding her usual habit of giving plenty of food to the neighborhood youth as trick-or-treaters roamed the neighborhood this Halloween.

“Halloween has always been quite hard to keep up with. Last time, I did not anticipate how many children would need paper plates and seran wrap because they couldn't stay at my house to eat my pie,” Klein said, wiping away a tear. “It may have been rude, but they’re loving children, and I was just happy to feed them.”

Klein regularly invites families on Pear Tree Avenue for extravagant dinners in which she consistently states that local teenagers are “looking thin” and “want another slice of pie, right?"

Local child and new trick-or-treater Tommy Davis intends to visit the Klein household to attend Klein’s annual participation in the October holiday.

“I turned four this year, and Mrs. Klein makes yummy food, so I really want to trick or treat at Mrs. Klein’s house,” said Davis. “Mommy never lets me go to Mrs. Klein’s potlucks because she says she makes unhealthy food, but it’s probably just because mommy’s apple pies taste like garbage and she’s jealous.”

12:10 a.m. - Disturbance. Man found

loudly fornicating with self-described “jack-off lantern.” Verbal warning issued, no charges filed.

2:26 a.m. - Burglary. Student found

breaking into John’s Market. Claimed to be trying to “find out how they get the fog from London.”

Closed by adult arrest.

7:45 a.m. - Found item. Bird found dead

in the road, handlebars mangled, tires popped.

Report taken.

6:03 p.m. - Suspicious person. Student

reported carrying unmarked boxes into Peterson Hall. Found to be CALPIRG member trying to install beehive into classroom. Closed by adult arrest.

Monday, October 29

1:09 a.m. - Grand theft. Man found with

over $1,000 in stolen socks and tissues. Closed by adult arrest.

2:01 a.m. - Fire alarm. Fire alarm went

off in Tioga Hall. No fire department response.

Tioga Hall currently still burning. Information only.

5:32 a.m. - Alcohol contact. Student found

in possession of 20 fluid ounces of vodka. Discovered to actually be Crystal Pepsi. No charges filed.

theMQ.org

Page 12

October 31, 2018

ieve l e B t ’ I Can t It’s No

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You’re awake whether you like it or not because your bunkmate apparently doesn’t understand that if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk also moves

You realize your roommate ate all of your fucking cereal and you head to Ralphs instead of class

You get up, but only after your tenth alarm wakes your roommate up. If you don’t get out of bed, you will be forcibly removed

You ate yesterday. Do you really need to spend money on food today?

You see the sun rising as you close your eyes, so you decide that you don’t really need to sleep. Time for yesterday: part two!

You make it out of your apartment, only to see three buses leave on your way to the bus stop

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Can bust through a wall, while screaming “MOO Yeah”

Fun to play with, not to eat

Has longtime rivalry with Almond-Milk Man

Lieutenant Brunch

#135 Can use a bee-smoker on humans.

How do you like it?

Has a stinger and is very afraid to use it Angry at Brenda for putting fake flowers on her windowsill

#2013 Makes a mean eggs benedict Has all the drama and hot gossip from Karen’s backyard barbecue Looks better than you in heels