The MQ Volume 25 Issue 3 by The MQ

THE MQ

“We came to rule the earth ... because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle.”

UC SAN DIEGO

- Jane Goodall, Primatologist and Anthropologist

It’s beginning to look a lot like satire

December 5, 2018

Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective

Volume XXV Issue III

In This issue Disney Buys The Rights To Christmas Spirit

Instagram Poet First Human to Experience Heart Break

sewers & satire

6,7

New Starbucks Cups Anger Groups Khosla To Head Sun God Festival Lineup

9 10

News in Brief UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction

PHOTO By hannah lykins

“You have the right to remain silent. Whatever you say or do will be told to Mom,” said Jones. by Jack Yang Staff Writer

elvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of Santa Claus.

Magnus Jones, a 37-yearold private investigator and Melvin’s suspect, consented to an interview from the holding cell of the local police station. “All this started last Christmas when his classmates began talking to him about Santa. When he asked me, I gave the standard parent spiel on how Santa came down the chimney

every Christmas with gifts for kids. But Melvin had a strange fixation on every little fact surrounding Santa’s supposed ‘crime operation,’ but so what? Did you expect me to tell him that Santa Claus wasn’t real? He’s in the fourth grade for Pete’s sake. Is a little white lie like that really worth jail time?” Jones’ uncanny knowledge

of the dictionary has already helped him solve two big cases in town, specifically the case of the Austere Auctioneer and the Buried Bones. With an intricately constructed Rube Goldberg machine and a cage fashioned from a laundry basket, Dictionary Jones

See Arrested page 2

US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently By Quoc Tran Staff Writer

either. Chancellor Khosla has really done us a huge favor by acknowledging the issue and like, actually doing something about it.” Alternative solutions proposed by Transportation Services include switching all class times to the hours of 8 p.m. to 5 a.m. — the time period when parking is most accessible — and banning the use of cars on campus to free up parking spaces. While some have expressed anger at these new policies, many at UCSD see this as an opportunity to get closer to the campus’s Chancellor. “I am going to egg his house,” said one UCSD student. “I’m absolutely going to egg his house.”

Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers

ollowing the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office of the Press Secretary, ordering all United States flags to be lowered to half-mast in solemn respect for the victims of these mass shootings. Unlike previous half-mast notices, however, this one did not include an end date for when to return the flag to its full height. Since this announcement, maintenance crews across the United States have kept their flags at half-mast every day. At first, many thought this was a clerical error on behalf of the White House, but were unable to confirm with them since President Donald Trump had fired and replaced the Secretary of American Flag Affairs, a high-level Cabinet position, multiple times since the office’s establishment. The current Secretary of American Flag Affairs is 23-year-old Amelia Rawlings, who just started working for the White House as an intern five days ago. She released a press statement instructing groundskeepers to “just raise the flag to half-mast every morning from now on. I haven’t really figured out

In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this decade. The three mile long road leading up to his Oceanside mansion can supply approximately 2500 more parking spaces, which are made up of 2000 A spaces and 500 S spaces. It is expected to raise class attendance by 40% next quarter. “We told students to park at Gliderport, but then they actually listened, which we didn’t account for,” said a spokesperson for UCSD Transportation Services. “So now there’s no parking at Gliderport, and there’s no spaces at any of the areas falsely labelled ‘Parking,’

PHOTO By jack yang

The designer of the sign reportedly thought and prayed for the sign before it came into fruition. this press release thing, and I don’t want to do it every time there’s a tragedy.” Though the issue of lowering the flag to half-mast had not previously been on the radar of political parties, parties met Rawlings’ move to keep the flag lowered to half-mast permanently with bipartisan support. Progressive Democrats praised the new Secretary of American Flag Affairs for recognizing the prevalence of gun violence in America and viewed her decision as a way to raise awareness for the issue. On the other hand, fiscally conservative Republicans

Area couple gets engaged Excited to say “I avoca-do”

saw the move as a great way to reduce excess government spending on paper and ink for the once repetitive press statements about the frequently changing height of the American flag. The American Union of Groundskeepers and Maintenance Crews also praised this move as one that will save their workers approximately seven to eight seconds every morning and every night as the flag is raised and lowered. Don Harper, a spokesman for the Union of Groundskeepers and Maintenance Crews, lauded the move by the White

House as one that “will save our workers a lot of time and work. It’s not something you’d expect, but the force it takes to raise a flag is exponential due to the gravity of the sun during dawn pulling the flag sideways, making it harder to hoist the flag up the upper half of the pole, especially now in the winter.” Harper also looked ahead and expressed his concerns, however, noting that “if an extreme tragedy happens, like a super duper mass shooting, we’ll have to find another way to honor the victims. Maybe we can lower it to quarter-mast — that’ll be good for the workers.”

Local parrot discovers introspection Polly wants a purpose in life

Ever since it opened, I’ve been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would be delivering there. I’m currently in labor as we speak actually, and honestly, it feels like it’s been years. I had no idea what to expect from Here Comes the Son, but it’s brought a smile to my face! I’ve received pretty good treatment since I’ve been here. Soft beds and attentive nurses have made me completely forget about

this long, cold, and lonely labor. The pains of giving birth may be incredible, but it’s pretty clear that the staff at Here Comes the Son care. My only qualm with my stay has been the fact that it’s been 12 hours, and I still haven’t received an epidural. I am in incredible pain, but I’m sure that my visit will be beneficial. So, overall, while my stay has been long and painful, I’d definitely say Here Comes the Son is all right. Son, son, son, when will he come?

Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption in New Year’s celebrations. This was reportedly the fourth time in the past two weeks that he was found in an intoxicated state after 10 p.m. on a weekday night. McCarthy’s family has expressed their concerns. “Iain’s problem is just getting worse and worse. He used to be a very casual drinker, but this year it started becoming a problem,” expressed his mother, Martha McCarthy.

Iain agreed to come clean in an exclusive interview: “Look man, drinking has always been a very casual thing, but last year I met someone at a work party. He explained that the better the pregame, the better the party. Right then and there, I promised myself that I would be the best pregamer for the best party of the year, and what’s a better party to pregame than New Year’s Eve Party? It is THE party of the year.” McCarthy was last seen entering The Castle Tavern at 11 a.m. and ordering three shots of Tequila.

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

December 5, 2018

Walt Disney Announces Plan to Buy the Rights to Christmas Spirit

continued from page 1:

Arrested

caught his father in the act of placing “Santa’s gift” under the tree on the night of the 24th. The detective was close to wrapping up “The Case of the Christmastime Crook” (as is titled on his takehome folder) when reporters interviewed him. “I’ve been in the force for a couple of weeks, but this case really opened my eyes,” Melvin Jones said, nibbling on a chocolate cigar. “It’s a cold world out there, but this city takes the cake. There’s no magic left out there in the slimy streets and the sunken tenement buildings. Makes me want to go back to a time when we still enjoyed this merry-go-round called life and weren’t forced to watch the sweet, sweet lies melt away like ice on a hot summer day.” “Sometimes I regret rais-

ing my kid to become a detective,” Magnus said. “I honestly thought Melvin might want to play catch or build Legos like a normal kid, but I saw too much of myself in him. “As for me, I’ve been in the big house a few times in my career, so I’m not too worried by this. What bugs me now, though, is how I’m gonna handle things when Melvin starts hitting puberty. And what’s gonna happen when he asks me about ‘the birds and the bees?’ The word ‘Santa’ is only a few pages before the word ‘sex’ in the dictionary, and at the rate he’s reading, I don’t think I’m ready to explain.” The incarceration trial for Magnus Jones is scheduled for this Friday. Dictionary Jones, found in his KidKraft office nursing a bottle of Martinelli’s, refused to comment further.

TOP Ten

Things That Make You Think Your Roommate Is a Cannibal

PHOTO By Sage cristal

Snow is now available for purchase at only $6 per cup. By David Vereau Gorbitz Managing Editor

alt Disney CEO Bob Iger announced his plan to buy and copyright the Christmas Spirit last Monday. “It’s actually really simple,” stated Iger during his impromptu press conference right after the announcement. “We are going to buy all Christmas Spirit so that we can incorporate it into our ever-expanding entertainment universe.” Several reporters were found forming lines for this press conference. Andy Braxton from CNN described the situation, “All of us here were hired by news stations to camp outside Bob Iger’s house. That way, when he decides to pull some crazy shit

like this, we can immediately start harassing him right in the comfort of his own home. The problem is that his house is too big. We all sleep here next to the fence, but we can’t even see the mansion from here because of how big his front yard is. To be honest, up until today, I was only 40 percent sure this was an actual place of residence and not a national park.” Along with the press release, Disney Consumer Company posted on their Facebook and Twitter pages: “As you all have heard, the Christmas Spirit is joining our family here at Disney, but we couldn’t just leave Christmas out of the mix. With that being said, we are happy to announce that

Mrs. Claus will be joining our Disney Princess family, and many of our toy-lines and clothing apparel will feature her!” Amidst all the mystery behind the last Avengers movie details, the Russo brothers have finally come forward to reveal some details behind the most anticipated movie of 2019. “We have decided to move back the last Avengers movie release date,” stated Anthony Russo. Joe, the second Russo brother, was more keen on sharing his artistic vision, “This will allow us to pursue this huge concept that we’ve always wanted to work on: Captain America, Iron Man, and the rest of the Avengers crew are going to set aside their differences

and work together to defeat the Frinsch, a cynical, green monster bent on ruining Christmas by stealing all the Christmas presents.” Disney also announced future projects that incorporate Christmas into their business model. “We have almost completed the first stage of planning for Christmas Land, our next theme park located at Disney World,” said Ronald Reed, a Disney World employee. “Here, you will be able to enjoy gingerbread houses, snowball fights, and the colors red and green year-round. I, for one, am absolutely thrilled to start spending my days smelling like an unholy mix of bodily fluids and peppermint as I sweat through this Santa Mickey costume.”

10. They keep saying, “Nice to ‘meat’ you” 9. The fireplace looks suspiciously like a rotisserie 8. All the kitchen utensils are labeled “for humans” 7. They use a fork and knife to eat ass 6. After you took a shower they said you were very aromatic 5. They said they wanted you inside them and said “no homo,” so there’s only one explanation left 4. They use brass knuckles to tenderize steak because “it’s good practice” 3. They keep asking if you’re kosher 2. They keep trying to stuff an apple in your mouth when you’re asleep 1. You moved into a gingerbread house

Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor.............................Rhys Shriver Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Design Editor.....................Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan

Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot

Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Distribution Captain.......David Vereau Gorbitz D.C. Correspondent..........Mishelle Arakelian MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro

It’s fun to stay at the YMQA

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2018 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Holy heck! I mean WOW! I love satire. And it’s because of the lovely people I have the pleasure to work with! I’m sitting in the MQ Office while writing this and I watch Design and Copy training potential editors. We are finishing up content at an early hour (if you consider 1am to be early) and we just finished eating pancakes (thanks to Matt <3) and playing dreidel (thanks to my Jewish ancestry). This production has had a whole different feel from previous productions and I feel that it’s because we are working together in a way that we have been missing before. We are closer, we communicate better, and we recognize that every single staff writer and editor who puts in any amount of effort does so because they love this org and they love this newspaper. And that shined this production. With greater participation from editors, prospective editors, staff writers, and even alumni, this production might be my favorite yet. And with every production topping the last one I can’t wait to do this all over again. Finally I’d like to thank everyone for being so patient with me. I know I can be a handful sometimes but I found my home in the MQ Office and I found my family in the editors and staff writers. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. ‘Til next time. XOXO, Sage

Dexter Hamilton Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezEthan Edward Coston Cosme Melina Cruz Jan Hsiao Summer Davis Catherine Chris Doherty Krummenacher Sarah Ebert Daniel Kupor Daniel Eliyahu Sam Leaman Salomon Gallo Heather Lim Connor Gorry Marina Nasief Cole Greenbaun

Natalia Nenn Elizabeth Niculescu Matt Olson Avaneesh Pentaparthy Kavita Poduri Robert Renfro Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanchez Pilan Scruggs Andrew Sitko

Vanessa Tian Quoc Tran Adian Valdez Sarah Wernher Jay Wilson Jack Yang Adam Yoshinaga Kate Zegans Yilin Zhang Ricky Zhao Steven Zhou

Booster Club Another production has come and gone, but we’ll never forget the people who helped us get there. Thank you to Stephen, Dexter, and Isaac for taking us to John’s and spending your Monopoly money. Thank you to Jay for bringing chips, soda, and buying us things from John’s. Thank you to Matt for the cookies and pancakes, Dan for the bananas for the pancakes, and Rhys for the M&Ms. Lastly, thanks to Jessica for the sparkly content break — I really enjoyed it.

theMQ.org

December 5, 2018

Page 3

Canadian Woman to Celebrate Boxing Day by “Kicking the Shit Out of Shoppers”

PHOTO By Adian Valdez

“I’m going to take your head 50 percent off,” Thompson said. By Steven Zhou

section, but I ended up trampling her. What can I say? You snooze, you lose.” Thompson’s family has shown some concern over her behavior on Boxing Day. “Last year, Tricia socked our son in the stomach because she thought he was someone trying to steal a toaster we got on sale,” Thompson’s husband reported. “She ended up breaking two of his ribs, and I had to take him to the hospital alone because, a second later, Tricia got into another fight over a pair of headphones that were 25 percent off.” Thompson’s father believes he could have stopped his daughter’s obsession over “end-of-the-year sale” violence when she was younger.

Staff Writer

fter spending Christmas Eve with her church and spending Christmas Day with her family, Toronto native Tricia Thompson plans to wrap her wrists and get ready to “beat the shit” out of her fellow Canadians who are waiting to storm the local Walmart for on-sale items that are to “kill for” — sometimes literally — on Boxing Day. “I’m probably responsible for about 15 deaths so far in my life, all of which were on Boxing Day,” Thompson said. “In fairness though, one of them was an elderly lady who came out of nowhere. I was trying to get to the electronics

“I blame myself for this, honestly. Back when she was still a child, she picked fights with other kids in the toy section on Boxing Day to get her favorite dolls. My wife and I tried stopping her, but she would always kick me in the nuts and run off searching for another thing, and I just got too scared to put an end to it.” Thompson is aware of her family’s concerns, but she remains dedicated to her Boxing Day behavior. “It’s called ‘Boxing Day’ for a reason, right? If someone takes the last 70-inch plasma TV, I have the right to put on my gloves and pummel the crap out of them until they give me what I rightfully deserve.” Other items that Thomp-

son plans on fighting to the death for include a bundle of outdated video games, a tiny toaster oven, and a measuring cup set that she “knows she’ll never use.” Thompson declined to respond when asked why she needs all of these items when she already owns 20 more from Boxing Day years before. Following the interview, Tricia Thompson turned her attention again on Boxing Day by practicing her uppercuts on a punching bag she took from a fellow shopper three years ago. “My neighbors jumped me last year and took the last cake-pop oven from me,” she said. “I will get vengeance this year.”

Join the Elves Union! “We won’t be silent for any more nights!”

Demands To drive the sleigh Christmas Day off Fewer bells, more whistles A factory-wide toy train shuttle Dental

Grievances Against Santa

He runs a black market elf organ cartel

POINT

My Roommate Is to Blame for My Failing Grades By Kimberly Gresham Communications Major, First Year

just cannot believe the tragedy that has befallen me. I failed my first ever final, but the blame cannot solely be laid on me. I experienced slings and arrows of outrageous fortune on the day leading up to the faithful exam. Truthfully, this is a problem that has its roots in something further than a single day: Agatha Walker, my roommate. If she had simply fulfilled her duties as MY roommate, this calamity could have easily been avoided. Alas, that did not occur, and now I am in this predicament. This stain on my record will invade my mind and plague my thoughts. I am utterly infested with this cold, dark sadness, unable to enjoy my first-class flight home to my family for the holidays. Agatha’s tasks as my roommate are not difficult or even much. They are certainly less than anything my maids do at home. All she had to do was make sure I was up by 10 a.m. every morning and fetch me my breakfast bagel with lox (I was used to caviar, but

I’ve found the Pines caviar to be quite bland). Afterwards, she should have gone to class with me, or if I was feeling particularly weak that day, she should have gone without me to take my notes. Believe it or not, she has never done that for me. The audacity! She refrained from telling me that the final was going to be this week! Nevertheless, I will give her the benefit of the doubt, since she stated she was not privy to my classes’ final schedule. What kind of class surprises their students with a final on Week 10 when there is a dedicated finals week? Surely, this all could have been remediated if Agatha had done her job correctly.

COUNTERPOINT

I’m Not Responsible for My Roommate By Agatha Walker

Computer Science Major, Second Year

have absolutely no clue where Kimberly got the idea that I am responsible for her. I’m not her mom, but I think her mom would just make the maids do it. I understand that she’s a first year, but this is just too much. She expected me to do everything from cleaning her side of the room to doing her laundry. Since I wouldn’t do that, she’d just buy new clothes whenever her clothes got too dirty to wear, and she paid some other poor college student to clean her room. To be honest, I would have done it if she offered to pay me, but nope, according to her it’s part of the roommate’s job. Before things got weird with Kimberly, I thought it would be a nice gesture to show her around during the first few days of classes, so she could learn the campus and get used to college life. I was being a good returning student teaching the naive freshman. That was a terrible mistake. She nagged me all quarter. She expected — still expects — me to remember her schedule and

go to class with her so I can take her notes. I’m not even in any of her classes, or even remotely the same major. She even filed a request for a note taker in the Office for Student Disabilities. Apparently, she was told that they only give disability services to people with disabilities, regardless of who your father is. Now she is blaming me for her mistake of missing her first of two finals. Last night, she threatened to sue me for withholding information from her. You’ve got to be kidding me. Though, I’ll probably ditch my final to show her where Ledden Auditorium is because I think her family has the money to win the case against me if she does.

His material sourcing is not environmentally friendly It’s been 146 years since we’ve gotten a new printer We don’t have indoor bathrooms. Santa built two outhouses in the snow He peer pressures us elves into drinking at the office kickback

To sleep, perchance to make satire

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

Page 4

December 5, 2018

theMQ.org

Area Man Eats Entire Country of Turkey for Thanksgiving

Instagram Poet Is First Human to Experience Heart Break

PHOTO By jessica ma

“It says you read my message … but did you read my heart?” Shrine wrote. By Sage Cristal and Garrett Crotty

“I think I have an apartment building stuck in my molars,” said Seljuk. By Chris Jin Content Dad

tto Seljuk, 23-year-old San Diego resident, has reportedly consumed the entire country of Turkey over the course of the Thanksgiving holiday, according to relatives and eyewitnesses. While many were doubtful of the claim at first, satellite imaging has confirmed Seljuk’s feat, with a Turkey-shaped sea in the place of what used to be the lands of the Turkish Republic. In an official press release, Seljuk described the meal as “a little dry, but otherwise a feast fit for a sultan.” “It had a surprisingly diverse flavor to it — like a real East-West fusion dish right there,” said Seljuk. “Although around the end, the Islamic flavors were getting a little too strong. I think whoever made it this time around was trying to put their spin on the original recipe, but started adding in too much. Personally, I think the original had just the right

amount; it was a nice ‘Sharia on top.’” When asked why he specifically chose to consume Turkey, Seljuk explained his thought process. “I mean, when you’re choosing what dish to carve into on Thanksgiving Day, you’ve got to take it seriously. Would you eat, say, a rack of lamb on Thanksgiving? By George, of course not! And once you’ve narrowed it down to common-sense choices, you need to make sure it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. And it shouldn’t be greasy, either. No, I’m not spouting these off at ‘Iran’-dom.” Turkish citizens were initially unavailable for comment, as media access to Seljuk’s digestive tract has been extremely limited. Enhanced acoustic technology was employed in order to interview citizens from behind the walls of Seljuk’s stomach. Aynur Peynirci, a woman from Kayseri, was able to offer her thoughts on the situation. “Not much

has changed really, other than the perpetual darkness and the eastern part of the country dissolving in stomach acid,” said Peynirci. “It’s not too bad, though. I’m spending more on lighting now, but I’m going to make some big savings on my heating bills this winter.” Mehmet Balik, a native of Trabzon — which was among the cities consumed in the first bite — offered another perspective. “This Seljuk or whatever could have used a knife like a civilized human being and just cut my house and my mom cleanly in half. But noooooo, he just had to make me watch the woman who raised me get gnashed to pieces by his molars,” recounted Balik in an irritated tone. “Now all of football’s canceled because this is a ‘national emergency’ or something. This is soooooooooooooooo lame!” Reporters were later able to secure an exclusive interview with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Erdogan reassured his constituents that

PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot

Turkey would persevere. “The good old Ottoman Empire was carved up like a turkey and consumed by Westerners, so you could say we have survived this before,” proclaimed Erdogan, after what reportedly sounded like Erdogan shoving a dissident into the acid-filled depths of Seljuk’s stomach. “And besides, this now means that no foreigners can come and ruin my- er, I mean, now that dastardly Fethullah Gulen can’t launch insidious, totally not false-flag coup attempts!” While the full political and economic consequences of Seljuk’s actions have yet to be determined, Seljuk himself has wasted no time in capitalizing on the spotlight he has received. Seljuk announced plans to write a retrospective book on the meal which will retell the events in greater detail. According to sources close to Seljuk, the book will be titled: “Dinner with the Turks: How Constantinople Became the Works.”

Guy in Lecture Won’t Stop Talking, Is Possibly Professor

Staff Writer

recent audit of a 3 p.m. Math 18 lecture has revealed the long-unidentified man who will not stop talking during lecture. Several conflicting sources pointed to the possibility that he is, in fact, the professor. However, this claim cannot be independently verified. The man, first spotted in September, has since continued to speak loudly during each and every lecture. One student, Veronica Moody, claimed the “incessant talking,” which may or may not be pedagogical in content, has significantly harmed her

educational experience. “I go in and I’m trying to take notes and then I have to hear this joker, this fool, this complete jackass, distracting me by talking to whoever will listen about vectors or some other irrelevant topic. I tried to catch up by going to office hours, but wouldn’t you believe it? He was there, too. I’ve had it up to here with this guy. Like, if you don’t want to pay attention, that’s fine, but do you really need to drag everyone else down? Just be quiet for one second, sheesh.” Other students agreed with Moody, such as Chance Horton who told a reporter, “It’s fine if you need to say something to someone, but

ollowing the release of his first book of poetry, government officials have deemed T.J. Shrine to be the first human to ever experience real heart break. Just last night, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) held a press briefing in which they identified Shrine, an Instagram poet, as the only person who has ever suffered real pain after a break-up. Shrine’s new poetry book, titled, “Even Glue Won’t Fix Us,” is compiled of stanzas that Shrine shared on his Instagram page that quickly garnered attention from young women between the ages of 13 and 25. Many fans of Shrine claim to resonate with his unique perspective on love. Katy Ginmore, one of Shrine’s followers on Instagram, told reporters, “His poetry feels like I’m not alone in my search for the one, and also that I’m not the only hopeless romantic with a few restraining orders against me!” Some of Shrine’s most shared poems relate love to basic functions of the human body. One of his firsts posts reads: “Love takes work / and I / called in sick.” Another reads: “Love is / a marathon but / I have asthma.” Although both poems are well-loved by his followers, Shrine’s most famous Instagram poem states: “My heart / is trying to digest your love / but I’m constipated.” On Instagram, Shrine describes his poetry as “a thoughtful analysis of love in the modern age and a record of all those girls who gave up a chance at true happiness when they broke up with me.” Critics of Shrine also make note that his command of poetry does not

PHOTO By jack yang

“Will this altercation be on the podcast?” one student asked. By Robert Renfro

Editor-in-Chief and Staff Writer

meet the standard they expect for someone with his level of success. One critic for Lit News Today told reporters, “His stuff is utter crap. Most of his ‘poems’ are five or six words, and each word has no more than two syllables. Forget the infinite monkey typewriter theory. If you put the dumbest chimp you can find in front of an iPhone X, I bet you that chimp could compile Shrine’s poetry book in four hours, and with an extra hour, he could revise the poetry to make it intelligible.” Shrine has not yet directly responded to his critics, but following the Lit News Today interview, he published a poem on his Instagram, reading: “Your hate fills me / like a bucket / in the rain.” Regardless of critics, Shrine says his heart wouldn’t have been mended without poetry. “You love, and get hurt, and love again, and get hurt again. It never ends, and the only thing you have is your phone and a metaphor bouncing around in your brain. I love poetry because you can read all your life and know nothing because truth comes from what’s between the words.” When asked how it felt to be the first person to experience heartbreak, Shrine told reporters, “Sometimes the answer to the question is more questions. But you’ve got to ask the right question. No one ever asks the right questions.” When reporters followed up and asked Shrine what the right question was, Shrine replied, “Ain’t that the truth?” Shrine’s book “Even Glue Won’t Fix Us” is currently on sale at Amazon.com, and Shrine encourages his followers to keep their eyes peeled for his next poetry book, “A Sunflower in the Rain,” in which Shrine details his experiences mending a broken heart while being “ready to get hurt again.”

do you really need to be so loud that everyone hears it? He literally speaks into a mic so we all have to hear him. Can you believe this guy? The nerve of him. He mentioned something about null spaces the other day and it’s like, ‘Dude, nobody asked.’” Recently, however, some have speculated that the man who speaks all the time is the professor, citing evidence such as seeing him wear glasses and go to lecture despite a lack of attendance check. Nevertheless, not all are convinced that he is a professor. Horton argued, “Some people think this guy is the professor, but that doesn’t make any sense. This course

clearly has no professor. First of all, I have not learned anything in this course. That’s already one mark for the ‘there is no professor’ column, okay? The most convincing evidence, though, is that it still says ‘staff’ in WebReg. I’d like to see someone go ahead and try to explain that.” Most students cite this as the reason they are unsure. “TritonEd said that there would be extra credit if everyone did the CAPE for the class, so I pretended there was a professor to review anyways. Maybe we’ll find him one day.” The CAPE reviews have resulted in a “100 percent would recommend” professor rating.

We’ve always got time for satire

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

December 5, 2018

theMQ.org

Page 5

In Aftermath of California Wildfires, Trump Bans Leaves

Local Renaissance Faire Holiday Feast Serves Blood of a Heretic Instead of Turkey

PHOTO ByJessica Ma

“The plague adds a really nice tang to the meat,” said an attendee. By David Kebert Staff Writer

The tree was finally arrested only after the officer bravely unloaded six shots into it. By Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor

resident Trump enacted an executive order on Monday December 3, to ban leaves scattered on forest floors. Because wildfires in California have led to significant damage to the environment and to people that live in affected areas, Trump stated that he is dedicated to finding a solution. Trump noted his understanding that Finland did not have California’s current misfortune due to the forest management practice of diligently raking forest floors, stating, “Finland’s policies really made me understand what issue we’re talking about here. When I talked to the mayor of California, good man, very fine man, Hillary Clinton supporter, not actually that great of a

man. Uh, he said something about global warming, but the raking thing that Finland does makes a lot more sense to me. We’re going to make leaves illegal. It’s going to be great.” It’s unclear how this policy will work, though Trump did briefly explain the legal process of this order, “So we’ll get all these leaves out of California and it will be great. Global warming has nothing to do with this. Do you see me catching on fire when it gets a little hot outside? No, and we’re not worried about our forests getting sunburned. Wait, are we? Someone remind me to look into forest sunscreen.” Other White House staff explained that the federal ban will go into effect throughout 2019 and will assure a significant decrease in unemployment due to citizen

raking positions. Eventually, all leaves will be raked out of the United States, and the government will place citizen rakers in positions so they can take action on any trees that decide to break this new law. In response to those who have told him that removing all leaves would not be realistic, Trump assured confidence in the United States’ forest management process, explaining, “See, what people don’t realize is we don’t even need to get rid of ALL the leaves. I don’t care if leaves come into this country, really. I get that they give us oxygen and things like that, and they know we have the trading power to get it. We just need those leaves to come in legally. They can’t be the dangerous, wildfire-

PHOTO By hannah lykins

spreading leaves California is producing right now.” Citizens have expressed various supportive and critical opinions on the order. “He just can’t do this,” said 24-yearold California resident Joey Dolson. “He can’t just ignore climate change and pretend people can just rake some leaves to fix this. The wildfires have been devastating to me and my family. We had to move and walk around wearing masks for weeks. I hope the next wildfire is localized to the White House.” 50-year-old Mississippi resident Jenny Rosen expressed a different opinion, “I think Trump’s initiative is very exciting. I bought my son a rake as soon as I could. Maybe now he’ll move to California and finally get a fucking job.”

International Students Camp Out in Gilman Parking Structure Since They Can’t Go Home for Christmas

local Renaissance faire “spiced up” their Thanksgiving feast this year with authentic medieval cuisine, including the boiled blood of a heretic. “I’m just happy to be included; this is turning out to be one hell of a barbecue!” said Adam Johnson, the blaspheming Ottoman in question, his mouth crammed full of stuffing. “It’s not every day I get to come to an event like this. They even offered to have me for dinner!” Attendees reported that Johnson was then burned at the stake to a “delicious char” and basted with holy water until golden brown. “I never knew retaking Jerusalem could taste so good!” said self proclaimed Knight of the Lord Thomas J. Bender, his mouth full with a chunk of Turk drumstick. The beverages available to attendees included water turned purple by “an honestly disgusting amount of food dye,” and side dishes included a well-received cranberry sauce made from rosary beads. Mashed potatoes and gravy made with the blood and giblets of several other heretics was also served. The merrymaking was disrupted by a protest when

a cadre of Ottoman soldiers arrived on the scene, appearing to protest in the name of animal rights. When a charge was organized against them, it was discovered that they were only turkeys in Janissary suits. However, it appeared that this fact didn’t dissuade the enthusiastic looking attendees. Gerald Royer, one of the attendees, reportedly shouted “DEUS VULT!” as he beat one of the birds into submission. Once the fighting and feasting was through, the faire organizers added the corpses to the fire and brought out pie for dessert. According to witnesses, a series of “glory” rang out as the crusaders devoured the spoils when an argument broke out. Edward R. Graf, 34, and William J. Shields, 55, got into a altercation, the former arguing the faire should proceed to Jerusalem as planned and the latter suggesting a siege on Byzantium instead. The conflict was decisively ended by Shields, who smashed Edward’s skull using the head of the Thanksgiving Ottoman, which had already been picked clean — leaving only bone. The faire has since departed, but the organizers have already announced a follow-up next November with royal blood sausage and peasant jerky on the menu.

TOP Ten

Ways Your Life Has Gotten Worse Since Your Dad Got a Power Drill

PHOTO By Adian Valdez

Pictured: Chestnuts roasting on an open S spot. By Adian Valdez Staff Writer

nternational students at UCSD have started to prepare their stay at Gilman Parking Structure during Winter Break, having no other place to stay during the three week holiday. “Plane tickets back home are expensive as shit, and my family’s already paying 60 thousand a year for me to be here,” said freshman Cheng Xi. “Going home’s out of the question, and the university kicks us out during the break. Also, we definitely don’t have enough money to get a hotel, so we’re settling for the warm, cozy confines of a block of concrete. Merry Christmas, I guess.” Camp construction has already gone underway with large portions of the fourth

and fifth levels in Gilman being cordoned off. Tents have occupied parking spaces, and small fire pits are awaiting Fall Quarter’s homework. Large piles of instant ramen and boba materials have accumulated, along with stacks of plates and silverware stolen from HDH eateries. CS majors began wiring together an “ad-hoc dungeon” while music students started piecing together cardboard for soundproofing. Some engineering students have even devised a makeshift aqueduct for showering. “I don’t mind it much,” said freshman Kashev Malviya. “It’s like a little community. We organize games, activities, and events — mainly to distract ourselves from the smell and the sheer boredom. But mostly the smell.” “Man, I’m glad I’ve got

an apartment this year,” said junior Carrie Gyeong. “It gets intense. Especially two years ago when things got really ugly. We had a bit of a ‘Lord of the Flies’ situation happen with the STEM and nonSTEM majors. Thank God that theatre kid stumbled across a gaggle of CSOs, I don’t want to think of what would’ve happened if she didn’t.” Campus administration was reportedly nonchalant about the situation. “Yeah, I’m aware of the whining about the resident halls being closed over Winter Break,” said Chancellor Khosla. “Not my problem, though. Campus is closed and that means we don’t have to care about silly things like ‘having a place to stay’ or ‘general wellness.’ All that matters for the next three weeks are the ragers us faculty are gonna have once

the students are gone. Why else would we close the university over Winter Break?” “Does the administration know? Of course not,” said senior Isak Ekman. “If they did, they’d try to charge us another eight thousand to sleep in trash bags on asphalt and get us to move into worse accomodations like the Sixth res halls to save money. They probably would’ve used the money to build another res hall just to kick us out all over again.” At press time, campus administration had reportedly changed their approach to the situation. “Wait, there are students squatting in Gilman?” asked Chancellor Khosla, who reportedly began drawing blueprints for a new “North Gilman Learning and Living Community.”

10. Your dad keeps building you bunk beds, but you’re an only child 9. Your dad’s been searching for treasure in the backyard and has never heard of a shovel 8. There’s been a lot of drilling late at night in your parents’ room 7. Too many paintings on the walls 6. He was finally able to finish that shed in your backyard, which finally gave him the confidence to divorce your mom 5. Your parents started having kids for all the extra chairs 4. Any cheese you buy now becomes Swiss 3. Building 20 chairs has so far been the weirdest way he’s coped with not getting custody 2. He can’t find a power outlet, so he just makes the drilling noises himself 1. Your dog found it, and let’s just say your mailman is never coming back

If coach put us in, we would have made state

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

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December 5, 2018

SEWERS Welcome, aspiring adventurer! If you’ve been wanting to start a D&D campaign but have no idea how, we have the guide for you! Here is a lovingly created, non-copyright infringing guidebook for The MQ’s exciting alternative, S&S, which is basically just as good! Buckle up, pull out your $20 iridescent dice, and put on your RPing cap because an exciting journey is about to start!

Classes

Races Half of a Halfling

HDH Employee

Often known as Quarterlings, this race is good for beginners due to its incredibly small stature. Veteran players may choose the subrace Semesterlings for more of a challenge

An HDH employee starts the game with three additional rations in the form of Gyudon. They tend to find less loot from encounters, but have a natural bonus for job security

First Year Engineering Student

Frat Boy

A First Year Engineering Student advances normally until reaching level five, when they become a Theater Major. Theater Majors excel at combat showmanship and have a bonus to Performance, but have disadvantage when attempting actual combat

Frat Boys have an affinity for alcohol and can, once per day, use a bonus action to locate any container of alcohol in a one mile radius of their location

Meryl Streep

Scarlett Johansson

Meryl Streep is a class with high bonuses to Performance and often win Academy Awards. It allows a player, once per short rest, to mimic another class’s feature effortlessly in a very moving performance. A player must have a Charisma of at least 18 to take any levels in this class

This race is classified by its proficiency at deception checks, allowing them to pass themself off as another race. This ability is often used to steal movie opportunities, win Academy Awards, and inspire Buzzfeed thinkpieces

Sample Backgrounds 1. This player decided to study abroad, but they just got lost and are unable to find their way to an airport

2. They don’t really know what the quest is about — they’re just getting weed off of the other players until it runs out

1 3

3. They’re on this journey because Christmas is coming up, and they’d much rather go on a fatal journey than go home and spend time with their racist parents

4. This player thinks being an adventurer means you can beat people up for their money and nobody will question it

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SATIRE Weapons & Enchanted Items Someone Else’s Student ID

Magic Knife

A legendary magical item in the form of a plastic card. Once per short rest, a player may use it to purchase anything from a shop that accepts Dining Dollars

A common magical weapon that can be used to guarantee an “A” on any assignment, but only if it’s pointed at the right person

Hand of Holding

A soft, warm hand useable anywhere for when you feel lonely

A Milkshake

Neon Wizard’s Robes

An uncommon drink. Once per day, can be used to summon 1d10 boys to the yard

A set of robes that allows the wearer access to inaccessible zones, like construction areas, but gives disadvantage on any stealth checks

Sample Enemy Encounter

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A Guide to All Area Manager Voices the Wrong Ways Confusion About Why Cook Pasta Employees “Just Keep Striking” Wetoasked our readers to draw

their biggest pasta mishaps. Here they are so you don’t make the same mistakes!

Toss it in the air like pizza dough

— Annie Rodgers, age 40

PHOTO By hannah lykins

“Better wages are good and all, but think about our boss’s feelings,” said the supposed protester. By Rhys Shriver Content Editor

n Friday, November 30, local manager Craig Henser released a statement regarding his workers’ recent massive strike over pay cuts and reduced benefits, stating, “I understand the workers want more things from our company, but we just gave them a 10 cent pay raise last year! They’re just incorrigible, why do they just keep striking?” This statement came after a series of increasingly intensive strikes by the workers of the local catering service Beachside Deliveries. They have gone from skipping work to making picket lines to allegedly egging the delivery vans, throwing smoke gre-

nades into the kitchen, and leaving unfavorable one-star reviews on Yelp. The head of the striking efforts, Micaiah Tyler, explained to reporters that the strikes had begun after Beachside Deliveries sent an email detailing a cut on both hours and pay to all company workers. “It’s just an attempt to put everyone at part-time so they don’t have pay us for dental,” Tyler stated, “which is pretty rich since I got half my teeth knocked out after they removed all the airbags to cut costs. Do you know how much fake teeth cost? I’d rather melt down my grandma’s antique porcelain than pay it all out of pocket.” Henser, on behalf of the Beachside Deliveries Board of Supervisors, put out an of-

ficial notice regarding their stance and plans to strike. “We at Beachside Deliveries have heard the requests of our workers and have come to the following conclusion: in accordance with union demands, we will be giving them dental benefits, raising their wages to 6.50 an hour, and giving them paychecks that don’t regularly bounce.” “Beachside Deliveries has followed through every time on their past promises, so I don’t really think that we’ll need to have any more protests,” commented an anonymous protester equipped with a paper bag mask, a picket sign that had “I’m Protesting” printed on it in Arial font, and a Rolex estimated to be worth about 10 thousand dollars. “If anyone contin-

ues protesting, I assure you they’re only the most radical and should not be given any news attention. I think everything important on the matter has been discussed and asking for anything more would be greedy,” they continued before stepping into their 2016 Tesla Model S and driving away. Reporters attempted to reach out to the Beachside Deliveries’ CEO for comment, but authorities reported that he had recently been hospitalized after getting a minor concussion in an attempt to “take a shower in one-dollar coins,” leaving only a note taped to their office door that read: “I love unions. I just love people getting married. I’m unionized with my wife right now.”

Bury and let ferment

— Steven Malonzo, age 35

Drizzle with Elmer’s and paste on paper — Katie Williams, age 5

Chancellor Khosla to Present “Holiday Gift” to UC San Diego Community

Spray like Cheez Whiz

— Arnold Hudge, age 17

PHOTO By David Vereau Gorbitz

It is said that Khosla repaid the three Magi’s gift of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by giving them tenure. By Isaac Canada

Staff Writer

C San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla will present the UC San Diego community with a “holiday gift” this Friday in honor of the University’s commitment to public service and the larger community. A ceremony attended by other administrators and people with reportedly “nothing better to do” will be held in the Student Services Center Multipurpose Room starting at 11:30 a.m. “UC San Diego chancellors have a long history of giving back to the community,” read the press release written by the University Communications and Public Affairs (UCPA) office under Chancellor Khosla’s name. “From public service and Volunteer 50 to student scholarships and the Triton 5K, UC San Diego chancellors have regularly given back to the community.” Michael Ringly, an em-

ployee in the Financial Aid office, said, “As soon as I saw the campus notice, I put the event on my calendar. I have to make sure I don’t schedule any work during the event, so it’s important to get the notice as soon as possible. They usually have catering at these things, so I try to go whenever I can.” While approximately 100 staff and faculty members are expected to attend, no students are expected to. John Johnson, a thirdyear Marshall student, said, “Chancellor’s what? What is this ‘holiday gift’ crap, anyway? Do they really think we care? Have they ever met a student? They probably spend all day sending these so-called gifts to my inbox.” Johnson added, “Maybe they need to get out of their office-to-reserved-parking loop and actually see the rest of campus.” Samantha Kelly, a graduate student in the Depart-

ment of Political Science expressed a similar sentiment, saying, “UCSD likes to talk a lot about how they’re making the university and world a better place, but it always seems to turn into a bunch of meetings and committees. I would think that, being faculty administrators, the leadership of the university would want to actually do something good instead of talking about doing something good. I’m pretty sure the catering bills for their events and meetings are bigger than whatever they’ve actually accomplished at this point.” The Chancellor’s office would not comment on the points raised by Kelly and others. The office directed reporters towards the UCPA office which released a statement reading, in part, “The UC San Diego community is committed to upholding our Principles of Community and working to the highest levels of public service to our larger

community and the state.” An unnamed employee walking back into the Chancellor’s Complex after a lunch break was quoted as saying “I think we did some good work in our weekly status meeting yesterday. We had this great taco bar — you should have been there. Actually I think I have a picture on my phone …” The Chancellor’s gift has yet to be announced publicly. Some people have speculated that it is related to the new installation in the Stuart Collection in Revelle College, while others have hoped that it will be the announcement of a new parking structure. According to inside sources, the Chancellor’s gift is a plaque to be placed in North Torrey Pines Living and Learning Neighborhood, which is currently under construction. The plaque is to read: “Made possible by the Hard Work of Chancellor Pradeep K. Khosla and Others — December 7, 2018.”

Make sure you court it before you eat it — Felix Smith, age 24

Yell at it; it will come out disciplined — Richard Stern, age 54

December 5, 2018

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New Starbucks Cups Anger Groups

EDITORIAL

Why Does This College Named After Me Have so Little Plant Life?

By John Muir

Famous Environmentalist

“I said no milk! What are you trying to do, infringe on my beliefs?” asked one angry customer. By Quoc Tran Staff Writer

he greatly anticipated annual designs for Starbucks’ 2018 holiday cups have finally arrived, and this year, they reportedly feature multiple patterns. Hoping to skirt controversy, Starbucks released a variety of designs for their cups, including one with wide vertical stripes of different shades of red and white, another with a green argyle pattern covered with stars, one with red pentagrams on a black background with “Hail Satan” inscribed along the cup, and a dozen other cup designs. When asked about the reason behind having multiple designs for their holiday cups, Chief Executive Officer of Starbucks Kevin Johnson answered, “We kept getting flak for not including the right things on holiday

cups over the past few years, and it seemed like whenever we would switch up the designs, we just ended up angering a different group. So this year, we’re releasing 15 different cup designs to appease everyone from Christians to Satanists to Steven from accounting who really likes the color green and argyle patterns.” Among the 15 cup designs released, one was simply solid red with the word “Christmas” written in big, green letters that wrapped around the cup. The company hopes that this will finally end any accusations that claim they are waging a war on Christmas. Despite their best efforts in avoiding controversy, multiple groups have chimed in to criticize Starbucks for marginalizing and offending them. Atheists, angered that they “lost the War on Christmas,” were

one of the most vocal groups against the new Starbucks holiday cup designs. Kathleen Johnson, the Vice President of the American Atheists Organization, lamented over this defeat, stating, “We’ve spent so much time and money over the past few years towards destroying Christmas and finally defeat the Christians, but these new Starbucks cups have utterly defeated us.” To combat what she calls “the War on the War on Christmas,” Johnson pleaded that all atheists boycott Starbucks and their anti-anti-religious agenda. However, some atheists, like Barry Yates, were not at all angered by this, tweeting: “im red green colorblind so i cant even see that new cup. its just a blob to me so as far as im concerned were still winning the war on xmas” However, evangelical

PHOTO By jessica ma

Christians were not overjoyed with these new cups, either. Christine Hopkins, an avid churchgoer, noted, “The old Starbucks cups used to say ‘Merry Christmas!’ twice. These new cups only use the word ‘Christmas’ once. It’s just not what Jesus would have wanted.” Others in her congregation shared the same sentiment, noting that the reduced number of times “Christmas” was written on these cups is tantamount to religious persecution. When asked about how the new cup is supposed to appeal to Satanists, Hopkins cheerily replied, “I don’t mind it at all. It’s 2018. We have to learn to be inclusive and accepting of other people and their beliefs! Like my pastor has always said, ‘I believe that Satan and Jesus can peacefully coexist both in this universe and on our Starbucks cups.’”

After Positive Reception of “Detective Pikachu” Movie, SEGA Announces Upcoming “Secret Agent Sonic”

t used to be an honor to be attached to a UCSD college. In the ghost world, I secured loads of connections just by pointing that out, but nowadays it’s just become a pipeline of mockery. I didn’t understand why, until I visited the other day, but now everything is crystal clear. This thing that you call “John Muir College” is a pathetic excuse of a way to honor me and my beliefs. Living humans can still tell colors apart, right? Most of you, anyways. What’s with all the gray? And next to no green. Except on those ridiculous shirts you wear. You think a single layer of 100 percent cotton will protect you from Yosemite’s unforgiving winter? Amateurish displays like that don’t deserve to bear my name. I apologize. I’m forgetting my manners. You’re supposed to say thank you when someone does something for you. Well, thank you. Despite how I’ve just lashed out, I genuinely do appreciate the motion. At least I am still the coolest out of all the people this university chose for its colleges’ names. Ask any ghost what Mr. Earl Warren did this past Halloween, and you’ll understand. Pathetic excuse for a haunter, and he’s hardly better than that Mr. Sixth or whoever. But I digress. Look, I appreciate the motion, but you morons made it look like an industrial dump. Concrete towers everywhere. This illogical

walkway design that does nothing except murder those freaks on those boards with wheels. And what’s with that blasted construction over there? They would have been better off naming this after Andrew Carnegie. I guess that’s why he just went ahead and built his own university, then told me to do the same. Yes, it’s a personal thing. I know you never knew me, but at least try to empathize with me. It’s embarrassing to go anywhere now. I get ridiculed at all the bars I used to love frequenting. “Look, there’s the industrial environmentalist!” Stuff like that makes me so angry. Can you understand how that feels? Some of you have been to bars, right? Or do you just spend your free time in that glass mountain over there pretending to study? I’m not really that angry. It’s more a feeling of frustration than anything. All I wanted in my lifetime was for people to realize the beauty in America’s wildernesses and to make sure people realized how important it was to protect it. I thought the early 1900s were a mess, but I never could have foreseen the environmental turmoil you humans have instigated. I’d think you guys would at least try to be less complacent, but I guess you would all prefer to hopelessly try to salvage your GPAs than even attempt to save the planet, wouldn’t you? Try adding some color, okay? Fine, there are some trees, and I saw a garden or two. It’s a good start, but seems too much like a token effort. Until then, I’ll be enjoying myself in my national monument. It’s much more peaceful there. You all ought to visit sometime. It may even give you some inspiration. Just do something meaningful with those brains of yours. Surely you can use them for something other than endlessly memorizing and forgetting information.

TOP Ten

Reasons God Has to Be Real

“I’m the fastest thing alive,” Sonic said, “but I wasn’t fast enough to stop the bullet.” By Dan Kaliblotzky and Sage Cristal Content Editor and Editor-in-Chief

ollowing the release of multiple trailers for the live-action Pokemon movie “Detective Pikachu,” plans have been released for a new movie titled “Secret Agent Sonic.” Based on the popular SEGA franchise, “Sonic the Hedgehog,” the movie will follow the games’ protagonist Sonic in a liveaction portrayal of the popular character embarking on a spy mission. The first trailer advertises “Sonic like you’ve never seen him before” in a “gritty adventure about secrecy, murder, and friendship.” Director Pete Docter has expressed confidence that Secret Agent Sonic will surpass the popularity of Detective Pikachu. “Seriously, a talking pokemon? Not to mention realistic, furry monsters. It’s some uncomfortable stuff and just a really strange choice. Sonic has been speak-

ing English before this talking Pikachu hatched from his weirdo electric rodent egg, and he’s been making people uncomfortable and disappointed for even longer. Have you even played Sonic ‘06?” One of the trailers released last week revealed the star-studded cast. Sonic the Hedgehog will be voiced by Parks and Recreation actor Aziz Ansari, who commented, “I’m excited to tackle this role. I get to throw in a few jokes of course, but Sonic really shines in his final match with his arch nemesis, Dr. Eggman. You’ll have to watch and see how that plays out.” Whoopi Goldberg, who voices Eggman, expressed similar sentiments on the movie. “I think this Socknick guy will really resonate with today’s youth. He vapes, dabs, and drinks boba just like the kids who are going to come out and see this film. I am just delighted to be able to take on a role that shows how hip and spry I am.” During an exclusive in-

terview with Gold Rings Magazine, Ansari spoke more about the plot of “Secret Agent Sonic,” stating, “So we find Sonic down on his luck because he just split up with his alcoholic girlfriend Amy Rose, voiced by my talented costar Anne Hathaway. Sonic was also just put on leave from his comfy law enforcement job after the exposure of his involvement in the illegal trading of chaos emeralds. But his luck changes when he finds himself wrapped up with a group of Eggman’s badniks, and Sonic gets his chance to get his job and his girlfriend back. I don’t want to reveal too much, but let’s just say this story is fast, fun, and fucking fantastic.” Although the reception to the trailers has been overall favorable, many parents are concerned with the message that “Secret Agent Sonic” is sending to kids. Local parent Regina Parker told reporters, “I remember a time when videogame characters were nonviolent and were never

PHOTO By Jessica MA

motivated by sex or wealth, but now this Sonic is teaching my children to get involved in the black market? I miss the days when I was just angry that he set an unreasonable expectation for my nerdy, sonic-loving loser of a child to be good at running.” In response to some backlash after the trailers initially began airing, Docter issued a press release defending the film, saying, “Those who claim that we are misrepresenting Sonic have clearly never played a Sonic game. Sonic the Hedgehog has always been a crime-fighting, whisky-drinking, coke-snorting, porn-addicted family favorite. Those who find issue with that can take it up with Hajime Satomi over at SEGA. But for everyone else who plans on seeing the film, I’m sure you will agree with our score on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s a solid 82.” “Secret Agent Sonic” premiers on December 18 and will be playing in at least two theatres nationwide.

10. Because God said so 9. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries 8. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing 7. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation 6. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted 5. I saw him behind a Target after eight FiveHour Energies 4. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales 3. I would know. We’re tight 2. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn? 1. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot

Float like a bee, sting like a bee. Oh god, so many bees

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org

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UCSD Announces Plans for Khosla to Head Sun God Festival Lineup

“Everybody get wild,” Khosla yelled, “except please put out that joint, this is a smoke-free campus.” By Adam Yoshinaga Staff Writer

ndergraduates have, with more frequency as of late, been using Sun God Festival to relax in between midterms for the past 35 years. More recently, however, students have claimed that professors have “no mercy” and schedule midterms “whenever they feel like it after Week Three.” With many students having to miss one or more parts of Sun God Festival because of conflicting midterms, Chancellor Khosla has recently announced plans to take action that will allow the largest crowd possible to attend this year’s festival. The chancellor allegedly pressured ASCE into releasing the 2019 lineup several months early so students can plan their schedules accordingly. This year’s lineup

is as follows: the UCSD pep band, a 64 Degrees employee, and Pradeep K. Khosla as the headliner. The acts will be scheduled to begin at 12 p.m. and end at 3 p.m. “I have coordinated with ASCE in order to end the festival earlier than usual,” explained Khosla. “Here at UCSD, we like to promote equity and give everyone an equal opportunity to get enough sleep to pass their Saturday morning midterms. Trust me, it is considerably more difficult to get a hangover when your party ends at 3 o’clock,” he continued, winking. The students voiced overwhelmingly positive opinions on the lineup. “I have my Math 20B midterm the same day, but my professor has a midterm score replacement with the final, so I’m definitely gonna camp out a week early for Khosla,” said Michael Silva.

“I got a 33 percent on my first midterm, but I can still pass the class if I get a perfect score on the final.” Alexandria Lee disagreed, stating, “I already get enough emails from this guy, and now they’re putting him on stage? What’s he gonna do, tell us about the latest construction? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m definitely bringing an aux this year.” When asked her opinion on the headlining act, Amanda Adams said, “He’s so dreamy.” Adams didn’t clarify if she was referring to Khosla or the 64 Degrees employee. In addition to the recent lineup reveal, the chancellor made an announcement of his own, saying, “I’m excited to present my first single, ‘Living Large.’ I can’t wait to see everyone at my debut.” His first single is allegedly an autobiographical song, detailing his life as the leader

PHOTO By Adian valdez

of UCSD. Some university staff have expressed their opinions on the chancellor’s new single, which was previewed at the most recent fall Student Affairs all-staff meeting. “He reminds me of a top-notch SoundCloud rapper,” said a humanities professor who wished to remain anonymous. “I expected him to be more of a metalhead, but I would definitely add his new single to the playlist I made: ‘Top Ten-ure Hits.’” VIP tickets are available for Sun God Festival 2019 starting Week Zero of Spring Quarter. VIP packages include a 10 minute early entrance, complimentary water cups (water not included), and a photoshopped picture with Khosla himself (while supplies last). The proceeds will directly benefit the University of California Foundation for Chancellor Khosla (UCFCK).

Making Holiday Peanut Butter Cookies When You Have a Deadly Allergy to Peanuts Today, I was talking to my BFF and she told me that peanuts are her spirit animal. That inspired me, so I decided to give these cookies a go. I have an intense allergy to peanuts, but this holiday season, I decided not to let that stop me from creating these delicious treats for my friends and family!

POINT

Re-gifting Should Become a More Socially Acceptable Practice By Cleo Erhed Clueless Gifter

ifting culture needs to change now. I recently went to a Secret Santa party with all my friends, and naturally, we all brought a gift for a person we were assigned to a few weeks ago. I lucked out (or so I thought) and got my friend Darryl, who is a total sucker for chocolate. Chocolate is probably the easiest gift I could get since it’s in every crevice of my house. So a few days before the party, I grabbed a box of fancy Belgian chocolates in my fridge, wrapped it up nicely, and gave it to him. When it came time for me to give him the gift, I proudly handed him the box of chocolates and thought to myself, “He’s going to freaking love this!” Instead, I got a look of dismay followed by him condescendingly asking me if the gift was a joke. Confused, I told him that I thought he loved chocolate and would enjoy how thoughtful my gift was. My friend then awkwardly accepted the gift, but I knew something was on his mind. A day later, one of my other friends at the party called me and chastised me for giving Darryl a re-gifted

box of chocolates. After I heard that, I felt so attacked. Why was I being called out for something everyone else seems to do? I mean, sure, I did eat a few dark chocolates here and there, but everything was still intact for the most part! Honestly, so what if I re-gift something for someone else? Modern “gift culture” is taking a selfish turn, and gift giving is no longer just about trying to make someone happy anymore. Instead, everyone wants exactly what they ask for on their Christmas list and refuse to accept anything less. I wish we could go back to the good old days where I could give away things I don’t like to others without conflict, especially a box of chocolates that still had basically 90 percent of the chocolates in there.

COUNTERPOINT

I Gave You That Box of Chocolates Two Days Ago By Darryl Dupt

Resentful Recipient

’d first like to make a point that re-gifting is not necessarily a bad thing. Heck, I re-gifted a beautiful snow globe I got from a friend four years ago to my great-aunt Helen because she loves collecting them, and I frankly don’t care for them very much. In this case though, you gave me back a really expensive box of Belgian chocolates that I got for you after my vacation in Brussels. That was cold. It’s not like you didn’t like them either — you literally ate half of the box. Not only did you forget who gave the chocolates to you, but you didn’t even bother to check if the box was opened. In any other circumstance, I would have loved to receive some fancy chocolate for Christmas since, as you surprisingly know, I am obsessed with chocolatiers and the process

of chocolate-making. Actually, if you had given me literally anything else, I would have been super gracious even if I didn’t like it. However, your “gift” of used chocolates was frankly a flub, and I hope next time you at least make sure not to re-gift trash to the person that gave it to you in the first place. Then again, maybe I’m expecting too much from a guy who re-gifted his engagement ring as an anniversary present to his wife.

Ingredients: •1/2 cup of softened butter •1 cup of brown sugar •1/3 cup of peanut butter •1 egg •1/2 tablespoon of vanilla extract •1 3/4 cup of all purpose flour •1 teaspoon of baking soda •Wilton Pearlized Nonparei Christmas Sprinkles •Peppermint Hershey's Kisses •At least 1 Epi-Pen Instructions: 1. Make sure to pre-measure all your ingredients because you won’t be able to see after your eyes swell up. Section off the peanut butter before your entire body reacts! 2. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and line a baking sheet with a piece of parchment paper. 3. In a large mixing bowl, beat your softened butter with your sugar, and then mix in peanut butter, egg, and vanilla. Whisk your batter until it forms the consistency of the mucus dripping from your nose. 4. Mix in your flour and baking soda. At this point, give your batter a taste before your taste buds swell up and you choke on your own tongue. 5. Mix in a few tablespoons of sprinkles then scoop out your dough with a tablespoon and roll it into a ball. Disregard your rapid pulse. It just means you’re really excited for how these cookies are going to taste! 6. At this point, your eyes may be swollen shut, so if you can’t see the readout on the oven just heat it up until you think, “that’s pretty hot.” Bake for 10 minutes. Make sure that you take the cookies out before you lose consciousness again. 7. Let your cookies cool for about five minutes and then place an unwrapped Hershey's Kiss on top of each cookie. 8. If your mouth itches when you bite into the cookie, that means you’ve found the right consistency! Enjoy!

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Recyclables Now Part of Water Cycle

Area Ass Just Won’t Quit

PHOTO By Adian Valdez

“You can’t make me quit, I’m your biggest asset!” said Keister. By Sage Cristal Editor-in-Chief

PHOTO By JAN HSIAO

Homeless plastic collectors are now reportedly making six figures. By Rowan Cosme Staff Writer

any people in Seattle, Washington expressed surprise when, instead of the usual rainy weather that greeted them, a variety of bottles and cans landed on their heads last Monday. This caused mass panic, a few mild concussions, and some minor umbrella damage. After the storm had subsided, residents of Seattle quickly contacted their local meteorologists, who provided an answer as to why such an odd phenomenon had occurred. Due to climate change and an excess amount of people refusing to recycle, “Mother Nature herself” had decided to “take

vengeance on humankind for its disrespect toward her.” “It’s incredible, really,” reported local meteorologist Matthew Tenor. “Before now, we never had any proof such a thing was possible, but now, recyclables are the only thing that are raining down all across the country.” As Tenor claimed, such incidents have occurred throughout the United States. At one point in San Francisco, California, the falling bottles aligned to spell out the words “you did this” and “rip lol,” shocking and confusing many residents. Similar incidents have occurred from coast to coast, becoming a problem for hundreds of thousands of American citizens. Despite this act of

supernatural retribution, many people are refusing to take shelter or buy stronger umbrellas, believing everything to be a complete hoax. One such person, Daniel O’Reilly, stated his belief that people were being hired to throw recyclables down on others and pretend that it was a natural occurrence. “I mean, think about it. Why would the environment try to take revenge? We never did anything to it. This is all nothing but hogwash,” said O’Reilly. “It’s probably some hippie conspiracy to make me buy those useless blue bins with the arrows on them. At least, that’s what the TV told me.” Before reporters could get more from O’Reilly, he walked

to his 1972 Ford SUV and threw a variety of objects out of his window before leaving a cloud of tire smoke as he drove over multiple flowerbeds. Currently, there seems to be no way to solve the problem or appease the spirit of nature. Meteorologists advise the public to check the weather, and if there is any type of chance of precipitation, to use a very heavyduty umbrella. Though there is no evidence that an increase in recycling and praying would have an effect, the meteorologists claim that “it couldn’t hurt.” Additionally, sacrifices of certain CEOs have been recommended to “appease the nature spirit’s bloodlust.”

The five stages of brief NEW TREND SEES Walmart to PRO-RIGHT THROWING Offer Customers 50 AWAY LEFT TWIX Percent Off During an Active Shooting Francis Peterson, a political commentator and blogger, is the source of a new nationwide trend that has pro-right activists boycotting Mars’ well-known candy bar, Twix. “At first, I joined the boycotts against Nike and Starbucks for their liberal agendas, but now I’ve made the decision to stop supporting the left as much as possible.” Peterson says. “That’s why I’ve been throwing away the left Twix in every package I buy. I never thought my personal actions would grow into this movement, but I feel proud that I was able to inspire my fellow patriots to do the same. #NoLeftTwix!” Upon interview, Mars CEO Grant Reid claimed that their advertisements were not designed with any political affiliation. “Twix’s only appeal is that there’s two of them, so we weren’t expecting the bar to be this popular. But thanks to Peterson and his followers, our sales have nearly doubled, since everyone is buying twice as many packages to eat the same amount. So we’re not too concerned with the backlash on social media.” “Not sure where we’re headed after the #NoLeftTwix movement.” Peterson says. “But know this — until we inject politics into every part of our lives, we won’t quit.”

After facing stagnating sale numbers during active shootings, Walmart has started a new policy that offers customers a 50 percent discount during any in-store shooting. This policy came after Walmart company executives noticed a steep drop in sales immediately following any shots fired in their brick and mortar stores. This nationwide policy has already come into effect during three past shootings that all occurred within the span of four business days. One store in Omaha, Nebraska was seen with a line going out the store while police were attempting to secure the scene. After six people died in line attempting to take advantage of the sale, Walmart released the statement: “We send our thoughts and prayers to the victims of this tragedy, but we are also pleased by the excitement that this promotion has shown! Remember that ammunition, gun accessories, and Kevlar vests are also 50 percent off during shootings. Get out there and protect yourself America!” After the shooting, police confirmed that the shooter legally purchased his gun at the same Walmart a week earlier.

Area Teen upset After being forced to place Presents at Midnight

Area Student Surprised They Failed a Class They Never Attended

Local high school student Sam Mower was asked by his parents to place presents for his sibling underneath the tree at midnight on Christmas Day. Mower states that he was left in “total disbelief” that the tags were signed “From Santa.” “At first, I thought my parents were being lazy and not wanting to go downstairs to place their gifts for everyone,” states Mower. “But, as I was putting them down, the small breeze of movement flipped one of the tags over. I just could not believe my eyes. Right in front of me was the familiar neat calligraphy that hadn’t written my name in years. Never in my life had I felt such a betrayal.” “How was I supposed to know he still believed in Santa?” said Stacey Mower, Mower’s mother. “I just assumed he found out years ago since my husband and I use the same wrapping paper for everything. Well, we shouldn’t have assumed anything because now we’re stuck in a predicament. Sam hasn’t left his room since, and he refuses to speak to us after yelling he’ll never trust us again. We were going to make him leave a dollar under his brother’s pillow because he lost a tooth, but I guess that’s not happening anymore.”

Last Sunday, area student Levi Schreiber voiced her surprise after going on to TritonEd and seeing that her grade was a 62 percent. “It’s incredible!” Levi exclaimed, “I’ve done pretty much all the homework assignments and written all the essays! That last one might have been incoherent because I wrote it at 4 a.m. on the day of, but, goddamn, if it wasn’t submitted on time! I even went to discussion once or twice, so how do I still have a D-? If I can’t pick up my grade with the final, I swear my professor is gonna hear about this on the CAPEs … ” When asked for comment, Levi’s TA, Selena Jakobson responded, “Who? Oh you mean that one girl who sits in the back of the class. I haven’t seen her in discussion OR lecture since Week Two. Participation is 30 percent of your grade, so I don’t know what she was expecting.” Levi was allegedly last found listening to Britney Spears’s “Work B**ch” while crying and studying for the class’s final.

fter many of her Twitter followers called for her to retire and local teenagers nicknamed her “the Dumbass of San Diego,” area Ass Fanny Kiester announced via Twitter that she has no intention of leaving her job at the Mars Candy Factory in Southern California. Just last month, Kiester celebrated her 75th birthday with a tweet that stated she had worked at the Mars Candy Factory for over 30 years, and she intended to work there for another 30. “@ millenials Happy Birthday to me … and also, I’ll never die, so don’t plan on stealing my cozy job making Snickers all day LOL #hardworking.” Many of Kiester’s followers praised her loyalty and hard work, but some of her followers took issue with her tweet, saying that she should retire to allow younger people to join the workforce. One of her followers, Lily Maine, told reporters, “The job market is pretty rough right now, and most millenials like myself have to work multiple minimum-wage jobs just to get by. With current rent prices and the college loans I’ve accumulated, you would think that Fanny would feel bad about ruining the economy and just move to Florida and spend the rest of her life knitting. Instead, the old witch refuses to quit working when she’s already saved enough to be able to never work again. I guess that means I can look forward to comfortably retiring when I’m 102.” Not only have Kiester’s followers complained about

her resistance towards retiring, but some of Kiester’s coworkers reached out to reporters to discuss their responses to Kiester’s tweet. One of Kiester’s coworkers told reporters, “Sure, Fanny’s been here a long time. And she’s okay to be around, but she can’t perform her duties like she used to. In her prime Fanny was able to sort M&Ms faster than anyone else, but just last week she accidentally filled an M&Ms bag with only brown M&Ms. No child wants that.” Kiester’s boss, Jerry Cornham, also spoke with reporters and said, “It would be nice to hire and train some new workers here at Mars. But we can’t afford to bring in anyone new with the high salary and medical benefits we are paying Fanny. She definitely has enough money to stop working, so I’m not sure why she’s stayed.” Kiester told reporters that she acknowledges her financial stability, but stays at Mars for another reason. “If I quit, then I’ll have nothing to do all day. My kids and grandkids won’t talk to me because they think I’m an ass. I have no friends because everyone thinks I stink. The only kind of human connections I have are the ones people are forced to have with me because our jobs require us to work together. If I don’t work, I think I’ll hit rock bottom.” As of last Monday, Kiester’s coworkers and Twitter followers still hope that she will retire. Meanwhile, Kiester remains adamant about staying at Mars. Kiester told reporters, “They all told me to slow down and take it easy. But guess what? This ass refuses to quit, and until I retire, they can either get off my ass, or they can kiss it.”

TOP Ten

Reasons Santa Missed Your House This Year 10. Santa’s allergic to nerds 9. He got injured in the War on Christmas 8. You live in Antarctica, and he can't really justify the commute 7. He knew exactly what you were gonna use that VR headset for 6. Santa’s real, but you aren’t 5. Endangered species laws were repealed, and he didn’t make it past Texas 4. You forgot to change your legal place of residence 3. He heard you were talking shit 2. What made you think Santa wanted vegan cookies? 1. He kissed your mom last year, and now things are just too awkward One night of jokes miraculously turned into eight days of satire

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Nondenominational Winter Holidays Are religiously affiliated holidays getting you down? Do you hate widely experienced joyful events? Do you just want a reason to expect gifts from relatives? Well, The MQ has multiple fresh, exciting holidays for you to celebrate instead!

Juultide Raise your spirits way up high during Juultide, a holiday celebrating seasonal vapes! Fill your heart with merriment and your lungs with nicotine and THC!

Traditions:

** Everyone over 21 buying nicotine for the nice kids down the street ** Hotboxing Grandma’s house ** Leaving milk and “cookies” out on Juultide Eve **Displaying a smokable arrangement

**Gifting a vape barometer for measuring the speed of your bro’s intense vape tornado

Fake Christmas Invite your shitty uncle over for a Fake Christmas dinner so he doesn’t ruin the real one. It’s the safest way to celebrate the holiday season this winter!

Traditions:

** Playing a fun game of “hide the alcohol” ** Your uncle shoving you out of the house to buy drugs for him ** Having a heated discussion about the Israel-Palestine conflict **Not eating because your uncle turned the oven to 600 degrees and just left it that way

**Regifting that awful present that’s been in your family for the last five years

Gistmas We get that you’re busy and don’t have time for a whole holiday. With Gistmas, you get the gist of the holiday season, and it will generally be good enough!

Traditions:

** Putting a dead tree in your living room ** Lighting controlled fires for religious reasons ** Eating food **Cooking a bird for dinner

**Giving gifts

Amazon Day Amazon realized it was wealthy enough as a company to buy an entire day, so celebrate this day of Amazon-mandated, legally required holiday spirit!

Traditions:

** Alexa leading a prayer to St. Bezos ** Making a pilgrimage to an Amazon Locker to pray to our corporate gods ** Fasting eight hours for the honorable few who work in St. Bezos’ workshop **Getting five servings of Goldfish from the Amazon Dash button

**Receiving a signed picture from Jeff Bezos as a gift