THE MQ
“We came to rule the earth ... because we have always been the craziest, most murderous motherfuckers in the jungle.”
UC SAN DIEGO
- Jane Goodall, Primatologist and Anthropologist
It’s beginning to look a lot like satire
December 5, 2018
Area Dad Arrested for Perjury Regarding the Existence of Santa to Son, Child Detective
Volume XXV Issue III
In This issue Disney Buys The Rights To Christmas Spirit
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Instagram Poet First Human to Experience Heart Break
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sewers & satire
6,7
New Starbucks Cups Anger Groups Khosla To Head Sun God Festival Lineup
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News in Brief UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction
PHOTO By hannah lykins
“You have the right to remain silent. Whatever you say or do will be told to Mom,” said Jones. by Jack Yang Staff Writer
M
elvin “Dictionary” Jones, a nine-year-old, has emerged as the next big child detective after turning in his father for committing “pinky-promise” perjury concerning the identity of Santa Claus.
Magnus Jones, a 37-yearold private investigator and Melvin’s suspect, consented to an interview from the holding cell of the local police station. “All this started last Christmas when his classmates began talking to him about Santa. When he asked me, I gave the standard parent spiel on how Santa came down the chimney
every Christmas with gifts for kids. But Melvin had a strange fixation on every little fact surrounding Santa’s supposed ‘crime operation,’ but so what? Did you expect me to tell him that Santa Claus wasn’t real? He’s in the fourth grade for Pete’s sake. Is a little white lie like that really worth jail time?” Jones’ uncanny knowledge
of the dictionary has already helped him solve two big cases in town, specifically the case of the Austere Auctioneer and the Buried Bones. With an intricately constructed Rube Goldberg machine and a cage fashioned from a laundry basket, Dictionary Jones
See Arrested page 2
US Flag Lowered to Half-Mast Permanently By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
either. Chancellor Khosla has really done us a huge favor by acknowledging the issue and like, actually doing something about it.” Alternative solutions proposed by Transportation Services include switching all class times to the hours of 8 p.m. to 5 a.m. — the time period when parking is most accessible — and banning the use of cars on campus to free up parking spaces. While some have expressed anger at these new policies, many at UCSD see this as an opportunity to get closer to the campus’s Chancellor. “I am going to egg his house,” said one UCSD student. “I’m absolutely going to egg his house.”
Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers
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ollowing the mass shooting on Tuesday, the mass shooting on Wednesday, and the mass shooting on Thursday, President Donald Trump released a proclamation through the Office of the Press Secretary, ordering all United States flags to be lowered to half-mast in solemn respect for the victims of these mass shootings. Unlike previous half-mast notices, however, this one did not include an end date for when to return the flag to its full height. Since this announcement, maintenance crews across the United States have kept their flags at half-mast every day. At first, many thought this was a clerical error on behalf of the White House, but were unable to confirm with them since President Donald Trump had fired and replaced the Secretary of American Flag Affairs, a high-level Cabinet position, multiple times since the office’s establishment. The current Secretary of American Flag Affairs is 23-year-old Amelia Rawlings, who just started working for the White House as an intern five days ago. She released a press statement instructing groundskeepers to “just raise the flag to half-mast every morning from now on. I haven’t really figured out
In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this decade. The three mile long road leading up to his Oceanside mansion can supply approximately 2500 more parking spaces, which are made up of 2000 A spaces and 500 S spaces. It is expected to raise class attendance by 40% next quarter. “We told students to park at Gliderport, but then they actually listened, which we didn’t account for,” said a spokesperson for UCSD Transportation Services. “So now there’s no parking at Gliderport, and there’s no spaces at any of the areas falsely labelled ‘Parking,’
PHOTO By jack yang
The designer of the sign reportedly thought and prayed for the sign before it came into fruition. this press release thing, and I don’t want to do it every time there’s a tragedy.” Though the issue of lowering the flag to half-mast had not previously been on the radar of political parties, parties met Rawlings’ move to keep the flag lowered to half-mast permanently with bipartisan support. Progressive Democrats praised the new Secretary of American Flag Affairs for recognizing the prevalence of gun violence in America and viewed her decision as a way to raise awareness for the issue. On the other hand, fiscally conservative Republicans
Area couple gets engaged Excited to say “I avoca-do”
saw the move as a great way to reduce excess government spending on paper and ink for the once repetitive press statements about the frequently changing height of the American flag. The American Union of Groundskeepers and Maintenance Crews also praised this move as one that will save their workers approximately seven to eight seconds every morning and every night as the flag is raised and lowered. Don Harper, a spokesman for the Union of Groundskeepers and Maintenance Crews, lauded the move by the White
House as one that “will save our workers a lot of time and work. It’s not something you’d expect, but the force it takes to raise a flag is exponential due to the gravity of the sun during dawn pulling the flag sideways, making it harder to hoist the flag up the upper half of the pole, especially now in the winter.” Harper also looked ahead and expressed his concerns, however, noting that “if an extreme tragedy happens, like a super duper mass shooting, we’ll have to find another way to honor the victims. Maybe we can lower it to quarter-mast — that’ll be good for the workers.”
Local parrot discovers introspection Polly wants a purpose in life
Ever since it opened, I’ve been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would be delivering there. I’m currently in labor as we speak actually, and honestly, it feels like it’s been years. I had no idea what to expect from Here Comes the Son, but it’s brought a smile to my face! I’ve received pretty good treatment since I’ve been here. Soft beds and attentive nurses have made me completely forget about
this long, cold, and lonely labor. The pains of giving birth may be incredible, but it’s pretty clear that the staff at Here Comes the Son care. My only qualm with my stay has been the fact that it’s been 12 hours, and I still haven’t received an epidural. I am in incredible pain, but I’m sure that my visit will be beneficial. So, overall, while my stay has been long and painful, I’d definitely say Here Comes the Son is all right. Son, son, son, when will he come?
Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption in New Year’s celebrations. This was reportedly the fourth time in the past two weeks that he was found in an intoxicated state after 10 p.m. on a weekday night. McCarthy’s family has expressed their concerns. “Iain’s problem is just getting worse and worse. He used to be a very casual drinker, but this year it started becoming a problem,” expressed his mother, Martha McCarthy.
Iain agreed to come clean in an exclusive interview: “Look man, drinking has always been a very casual thing, but last year I met someone at a work party. He explained that the better the pregame, the better the party. Right then and there, I promised myself that I would be the best pregamer for the best party of the year, and what’s a better party to pregame than New Year’s Eve Party? It is THE party of the year.” McCarthy was last seen entering The Castle Tavern at 11 a.m. and ordering three shots of Tequila.
See BRIEFS, page 11