THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“That wasn’t an act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.” - Al Roker, On the Polar Vortex
100% recyclable jokes
February 6, 2019
Navy SEALs Replaced With Actual Seals Due to Government Shutdown
Volume XXV Issue IV
In This issue Trump sells executive Branch on Ebay TO CHILD
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Study Shows ANTI-VAXXERS ARE KIDS AFRAID OF NEEDLES
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tHE mQ’S fASHION SHOW
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ucsd OFFERS METH CLASS AFTER TYPO
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kING mIDAS CALLS GOLDEN gLOBES “DISAPPOINTING”
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News in Brief Roger Stone Nominates Tumor With Nixon Tattoo for 2020 Election
“Arf arf,” said the seal as he watched the life drain out of his enemies’ eyes. By Kate Zegans Staff Writer
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mid the political quagmire of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, President Trump issued Executive Order 7683, which will begin a rebranding campaign aimed at saving money and improving optics for the U.S. military. The new executive order, colloquially
referred to as “Operation Seal the Deal,” will replace the United States Navy SEALs with an all-seal service dubbed the “Seal Force” by the President, effective immediately. Inside sources have reported that this decision was made either after weeks of deliberation at the Pentagon or when a rogue circus seal defeated the previous Navy SEAL Commander in “hand-
to-blubber combat.” When asked for comment, recent Seal Force recruit Samuel the Seal confirmed the story, identifying the new Commander as “Stabby the Seal.” He indicated such behavior was not out the ordinary for the enterprising seal, adding, “That sounds like Stabby.” Many Seals now stationed at Amphibious Naval Base Cor-
PHOTO By hannah lykins
onado expressed gratitude at having another avenue in society opened for the seal community. One such slippery citizen elaborated, “Since the 1940’s, I think there was this image of the circus and the ocean as being the only two appropriate places for a seal in society, and I think that’s a shame. I mean, personally it’s been really difficult for
See Seals page 2
Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter By Melina Cruz Staff Writer
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unxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. When the groundhog failed to show up, they were confused and attempted to investigate by reaching into the hole. After finding an old solo cup, a giant stick, and what police identified as someone’s lost sock, Phil’s death was confirmed. The reason behind Phil’s death has been left unknown. “It’s a real shame,” stated nearby reporter Jimmy Connolly before looking down towards the empty hole. “We had a little suit knitted for him and everything.” Other locals expressed disappointment, having planned on using a megaphone, confetti made from paper punches, and fireworks to celebrate Groundhog Day. After one week, the winter became increasingly intense. Atmospheric scientists and meteorologists from NOAA are currently investigating reasons behind this phenomenon. Since Punxsutawney Phil never emerged, many experts state this as a grim realization for
PHOTO By hannah lykins
Phil thought he saw his shadow, but reports claim that he actually just saw his soul leaving his body. humanity. “There is no groundhog. There is no telling of what the weather will be like — and we all know that groundhogs control the weather,” said scientist Joseph Nelson. “Because we lost our only catalyst, this is a very bad sign. It means there will be no shift in our weather patterns this year. We’re doomed to an eternal winter.” Upon hearing the news, the government declared “Eternal Winter Damnation Day” a national holiday in honor of Punxsutawney Phil. Phil was initially scheduled for burial. Due to the frozen ground, however, he was instead cremated while reporters fought
for warmth over the resulting fire. The impending ice age has made its mark on the nation; after the declaration of Eternal Winter Damnation Day, businesses all over the globe stocked up on winter clothing, snow plowing became a white collar job, and the demand for space heaters became so high that the heaters literally went up in flames. The country’s newfound eternal winter resulted in mixed public opinion. “Our nation has undoubtedly taken this in stride,” said Cheryl Barson, mother of four, as she watched her children ski to school. “It’s a shame
that a groundhog is what left us to this fate, but now we get unlimited snow cones and pretty icicles on the ceiling for life! Who wouldn’t want that?” Meanwhile, in more rural areas across the U.S., people have begun retreating to underground bunkers and distant, isolated areas to prepare for what will inevitably be the sixth ice age. “At this point, you just gotta let natural selection do its job,” stated Joseph Zimmerman, stocking multiple cans in a “secret” underground bunker. “Maybe the next human species won’t base their entire weather pattern on a random rodent.”
Local car learns to talk
Local tea time interrupted
Road rage gets worse
Now serving red tea
Roger Stone has sparked outrage amongst the American public after revealing that his tattoo of Richard Nixon had budded off into a small humanoid creature bearing Nixon’s likeness. “After many long years and many sleepless nights, the vessel has been prepared,” said Stone, purportedly. “A body suitable for Nixon’s resurrection. I have eaten nothing but barbecue pork ribs and lard, the food necessary to nourish the growing bud, for the past 10 years. The silent majority will rise again, with Dick’s guidance and my American blood.”
Mike Pence commented regarding the man in charge of “keeping the Nixon flame alive” on behalf of the RNC. “I was skeptical at first. I thought, how were we in the dark about this? How does a man survive on smoked meats for a whole decade? Does God live in fear of our mockery of him? Yet seeing his creation put all my qualms to rest — I saw the face of the man I looked up to when I was a child, and I couldn’t help but fall to my knees and weep in reverence. I have a feeling that lil’ Dick will take our country back to the good ol’ days.”
Kansas Lifts Up, Flies Away, Only One Person Notices The entire state of Kansas has lifted up into the atmosphere and has flown directly into the sun. Sam Workmon, a Colorado resident, claims that on January 21, the entire state lifted itself out of the ground and emitted “a deafening screech with a blinding blue light.” Although this was reported on the day of the incident, police refused to believe the statement and launched a sweep that has so far lasted two weeks. In Burlington, Colorado, a city 13 miles from where the Kansas border previously laid, Police Chief Kaimer gave the following statement on the state’s
disappearance: “We at first did not believe Workmon’s testimony because he was under the influence of cannabis when we took his statement. A week later we sent a patrol team out to the border after a shipment of corn didn’t arrive at the local Whole Foods. They came back saying that they couldn’t tell if Kansas had lifted off, since the remaining land was still just as flat. We now realize the Kansas shaped patch of debris and upturned rocks is in fact all that is left of the state. Without Workman’s report, it probably would have taken us months to notice.”
Sunshine Market to shut Down the Day After Target Opens Sunshine Market recently announced that they will be permanently closing down operations in Price Center. In wake of the new Target moving in, the small market decided it could not compete against the corporate juggernaut. “They’ve got brand names, they’ve got deals. Hell, they even have their own credit cards. We can’t beat that. We don’t even accept Dining Dollars, how weird is that? Like, what kind of campus market doesn’t take Dining Dollars?” said Andrew Wilson, the former student manager. Other students expressed their disappointment. “I mean I guess it sucks that they’ll be closing down.
I think I knew someone who worked there, but hey, maybe Target will be hiring,” one third year added. Some students were more enthusiastic about the new addition to campus. Jane Grey, a first year, remarked, “Now we don’t have to drive so far from campus to go shopping. Everything on campus is overpriced and nothing in La Jolla is affordable, but at Target, I can buy cheap clothes without having to drive. Who knows? Maybe having a Target nearby will also make the bookstore lower its prices. Otherwise it will probably follow Sunshine right out the door.”
See BRIEFS, page 11