THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“That wasn’t an act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.” - Al Roker, On the Polar Vortex
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February 6, 2019
Navy SEALs Replaced With Actual Seals Due to Government Shutdown
Volume XXV Issue IV
In This issue Trump sells executive Branch on Ebay TO CHILD
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Study Shows ANTI-VAXXERS ARE KIDS AFRAID OF NEEDLES
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tHE mQ’S fASHION SHOW
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ucsd OFFERS METH CLASS AFTER TYPO
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kING mIDAS CALLS GOLDEN gLOBES “DISAPPOINTING”
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News in Brief Roger Stone Nominates Tumor With Nixon Tattoo for 2020 Election
“Arf arf,” said the seal as he watched the life drain out of his enemies’ eyes. By Kate Zegans Staff Writer
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mid the political quagmire of the longest government shutdown in U.S. history, President Trump issued Executive Order 7683, which will begin a rebranding campaign aimed at saving money and improving optics for the U.S. military. The new executive order, colloquially
referred to as “Operation Seal the Deal,” will replace the United States Navy SEALs with an all-seal service dubbed the “Seal Force” by the President, effective immediately. Inside sources have reported that this decision was made either after weeks of deliberation at the Pentagon or when a rogue circus seal defeated the previous Navy SEAL Commander in “hand-
to-blubber combat.” When asked for comment, recent Seal Force recruit Samuel the Seal confirmed the story, identifying the new Commander as “Stabby the Seal.” He indicated such behavior was not out the ordinary for the enterprising seal, adding, “That sounds like Stabby.” Many Seals now stationed at Amphibious Naval Base Cor-
PHOTO By hannah lykins
onado expressed gratitude at having another avenue in society opened for the seal community. One such slippery citizen elaborated, “Since the 1940’s, I think there was this image of the circus and the ocean as being the only two appropriate places for a seal in society, and I think that’s a shame. I mean, personally it’s been really difficult for
See Seals page 2
Freak Groundhog Accident Leads to Eternal Winter By Melina Cruz Staff Writer
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unxsutawney Phil was pronounced dead early in the morning on February 2. Since 3 a.m., reporters and civilians gathered around Phil’s groundhog hole in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. When the groundhog failed to show up, they were confused and attempted to investigate by reaching into the hole. After finding an old solo cup, a giant stick, and what police identified as someone’s lost sock, Phil’s death was confirmed. The reason behind Phil’s death has been left unknown. “It’s a real shame,” stated nearby reporter Jimmy Connolly before looking down towards the empty hole. “We had a little suit knitted for him and everything.” Other locals expressed disappointment, having planned on using a megaphone, confetti made from paper punches, and fireworks to celebrate Groundhog Day. After one week, the winter became increasingly intense. Atmospheric scientists and meteorologists from NOAA are currently investigating reasons behind this phenomenon. Since Punxsutawney Phil never emerged, many experts state this as a grim realization for
PHOTO By hannah lykins
Phil thought he saw his shadow, but reports claim that he actually just saw his soul leaving his body. humanity. “There is no groundhog. There is no telling of what the weather will be like — and we all know that groundhogs control the weather,” said scientist Joseph Nelson. “Because we lost our only catalyst, this is a very bad sign. It means there will be no shift in our weather patterns this year. We’re doomed to an eternal winter.” Upon hearing the news, the government declared “Eternal Winter Damnation Day” a national holiday in honor of Punxsutawney Phil. Phil was initially scheduled for burial. Due to the frozen ground, however, he was instead cremated while reporters fought
for warmth over the resulting fire. The impending ice age has made its mark on the nation; after the declaration of Eternal Winter Damnation Day, businesses all over the globe stocked up on winter clothing, snow plowing became a white collar job, and the demand for space heaters became so high that the heaters literally went up in flames. The country’s newfound eternal winter resulted in mixed public opinion. “Our nation has undoubtedly taken this in stride,” said Cheryl Barson, mother of four, as she watched her children ski to school. “It’s a shame
that a groundhog is what left us to this fate, but now we get unlimited snow cones and pretty icicles on the ceiling for life! Who wouldn’t want that?” Meanwhile, in more rural areas across the U.S., people have begun retreating to underground bunkers and distant, isolated areas to prepare for what will inevitably be the sixth ice age. “At this point, you just gotta let natural selection do its job,” stated Joseph Zimmerman, stocking multiple cans in a “secret” underground bunker. “Maybe the next human species won’t base their entire weather pattern on a random rodent.”
Local car learns to talk
Local tea time interrupted
Road rage gets worse
Now serving red tea
Roger Stone has sparked outrage amongst the American public after revealing that his tattoo of Richard Nixon had budded off into a small humanoid creature bearing Nixon’s likeness. “After many long years and many sleepless nights, the vessel has been prepared,” said Stone, purportedly. “A body suitable for Nixon’s resurrection. I have eaten nothing but barbecue pork ribs and lard, the food necessary to nourish the growing bud, for the past 10 years. The silent majority will rise again, with Dick’s guidance and my American blood.”
Mike Pence commented regarding the man in charge of “keeping the Nixon flame alive” on behalf of the RNC. “I was skeptical at first. I thought, how were we in the dark about this? How does a man survive on smoked meats for a whole decade? Does God live in fear of our mockery of him? Yet seeing his creation put all my qualms to rest — I saw the face of the man I looked up to when I was a child, and I couldn’t help but fall to my knees and weep in reverence. I have a feeling that lil’ Dick will take our country back to the good ol’ days.”
Kansas Lifts Up, Flies Away, Only One Person Notices The entire state of Kansas has lifted up into the atmosphere and has flown directly into the sun. Sam Workmon, a Colorado resident, claims that on January 21, the entire state lifted itself out of the ground and emitted “a deafening screech with a blinding blue light.” Although this was reported on the day of the incident, police refused to believe the statement and launched a sweep that has so far lasted two weeks. In Burlington, Colorado, a city 13 miles from where the Kansas border previously laid, Police Chief Kaimer gave the following statement on the state’s
disappearance: “We at first did not believe Workmon’s testimony because he was under the influence of cannabis when we took his statement. A week later we sent a patrol team out to the border after a shipment of corn didn’t arrive at the local Whole Foods. They came back saying that they couldn’t tell if Kansas had lifted off, since the remaining land was still just as flat. We now realize the Kansas shaped patch of debris and upturned rocks is in fact all that is left of the state. Without Workman’s report, it probably would have taken us months to notice.”
Sunshine Market to shut Down the Day After Target Opens Sunshine Market recently announced that they will be permanently closing down operations in Price Center. In wake of the new Target moving in, the small market decided it could not compete against the corporate juggernaut. “They’ve got brand names, they’ve got deals. Hell, they even have their own credit cards. We can’t beat that. We don’t even accept Dining Dollars, how weird is that? Like, what kind of campus market doesn’t take Dining Dollars?” said Andrew Wilson, the former student manager. Other students expressed their disappointment. “I mean I guess it sucks that they’ll be closing down.
I think I knew someone who worked there, but hey, maybe Target will be hiring,” one third year added. Some students were more enthusiastic about the new addition to campus. Jane Grey, a first year, remarked, “Now we don’t have to drive so far from campus to go shopping. Everything on campus is overpriced and nothing in La Jolla is affordable, but at Target, I can buy cheap clothes without having to drive. Who knows? Maybe having a Target nearby will also make the bookstore lower its prices. Otherwise it will probably follow Sunshine right out the door.”
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
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February 6, 2019
Trump Sells Executive Branch on eBay, New President is Now Desmond Wilson, Age Four
continued from page 1:
Seals
me since I can’t even balance a ball on my nose.” His friend affirmed, “My whole life, it’s been ‘Get back in the tent’ and ‘Why can’t you just flop around gleefully?’ I’m very ready to take that pent-up rage and direct it at enemies of the United States.” As for public reception, local children and families have reportedly been dazzled by their now-legal visits to the base. One mother remarked, “I think America really lost track of the whimsy involved with systematic and efficient killing. Now this,” she said, gesturing towards a seal with a tactical M4A1 mounted to its back, “I can get behind.” Some, however, worry that this choice was not a result of careful consideration, but rather due to the influence of interest groups looking to boost herring sales. Henry the Herring, a self-described “ichthyvist” (fish activist), commented, “I mean, it’s just too convenient. The military went from consuming zero
tons of herring each day to nine? I’ve been speaking for years about the power concentrated in the herring industry. This clearly goes all the way to the top.” Despite activists’ concerns, the public seems to be taking well to the changes. Jimmy Fallon elicited audible “awwws” when he displayed a picture of Stabby the Seal in what he described as “an adorable lil’ captain’s hat” which the Commander is known to wear around the base. However, trouble may be brewing for the newly-inaugurated special operations force. Not only have recent rumors of some walruses secretly enlisting stirred suspicion at the base, necessitating a “‘don’t tusk, don’t tell’ policy,” but many also speculate that President Trump sees the new violent, rotund, squishy leader with a signature headpiece as a threat. In a leaked audio file, Trump was heard saying “That’s my thing!”
TOP Ten
Ways to Ask Someone Out on Valentine’s Day PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
Despite the new president being a four-year-old, he shares the same diet of chicken nuggets and Diet Coke as the previous one. By Andrew Sitko
Social/Publicity Ottoman
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efore the end of the government shutdown, Donald Trump has reportedly sold the Executive Branch on eBay to fouryear-old Desmond Wilson. Trump, formerly known President of the United States, is now back to business after handing the entire executive branch of the U.S. government to a child. The former president remarked, “It was a great deal, actually. CNN doesn’t want you to believe that this is a good thing, but I’ll tell you what — it is. Really, a great deal. The Democrats wouldn’t pass the wall bill, so I said no to reopening the government. I got really bored then because no one
budged, so I made a deal. The best deal. I didn’t break my promise. I didn’t reopen the government, and I wouldn’t — so I gave it to someone else. Melania said it needed to be open so I just sold it. Great Deal.” President Trump left the White House in a private limo since he is no longer in control of Air Force One. One of the White House Maintenance workers, Caleb Schimke, had a differing view than Trump on how the branch was sold, “Yeah, I just looked at his laptop and saw eBay open. I don’t think he really knew what he was doing, because his search history shows searches like ‘how to turn government on’ and ‘what is eBay.’ I think he thought he had to buy the government back because he
only marketed it for 99 cents. That’s how a four-year-old got his hands on it.” When asked about life under the new president, Schimke replied, “Yeah it’s pretty great. I mean, he’s not a bag of dicks like Trump was. Today, he just wanted me to play Hot Wheels with him. Great kid overall. I found the design changes to the White House that he proposed pretty interesting.” Schimke then excused himself to continue painting hot rod flames across the walls. Now under new leadership, the White House’s future is uncertain. President Wilson has made his stance on many burning issues clear. When asked about his stance on abortion, President Wilson inquired, “What’s that?” His plan to bring
more jobs back to America involves “making more Hot Wheels,” and the most important issue to face is providing “more Xbox games.” As the plan to make their company federally owned looms in the distance, many Microsoft employees are quitting because “government jobs don’t seem too reliable these days.” Although the country has been split over recent politics, Wilson has stated that his stance on political parties is that “parties are fun.” Some political analysts state that this unifying statement will converge the deeply rooted thoughts of both sides under the Wilsonian Party. The animal mascot is reportedly a “Minion,” and Wilson’s mother plans to make a chocolate cake for the inauguration.
10. Tell them you’ve decided to settle 9. Ask your mom to do it for you 8. WikiHow never failed, right? 7. Venmo them exactly 69 dollars 6. Find out their favorite animal and wear its skin 5. Add them on Google+ 4. Put them on the no-fly list so they can’t get away 3. Pelt their window with heart-shaped rocks 2. Create a lonely hearts Piazza post 1. Just ask. Be direct, you moron Invite us to bonfires; we burn well
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor..............Steven Zhou Assistant Content Editor........Dexter Hamilton Design Editor....Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Assistant Design Editor..................Jay Wilson Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot
Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma Assistant Graphics Editor...............Jack Yang Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane Assistant Copy Editor..............Adian Valdez Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Social/Publicity Chair........Mishelle Arakelian Social/Publicity Ottoman..........Andrew Sitko Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Web Editor....................Ethan Edward Coston MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Staff Members
Satire that blows you away.
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. What awful weather outside, but the jokes are keeping us warm. Amidst floods and pouring rain, editors and staff members alike came out to production to give us their best jokes and their best bods ripe for photoshopping. I especially want to commend the new editors on their incredible work. Steven and Dexter were Content Kings and totally amazed me with their comedic ability. Adian saved our paper from quite a few embarrassing copy mistakes while also making bomb-ass comics. Jay WIIIILSOOON worked on a pretty scout-tastic feature, and Adam came with jokes abound. Jack dazzled me with his photoshopping skills as well as his ability to mimic Jesus on the Cross. Andrew saved us in our times of boredom with fun breaks, fantastic jokes, and some freaky comics. Ethan has been keeping our website updated and in order so that we will never forget our great jokes (and some of our not-so-great jokes). Also shout out to everyone who worked on graphics for putting in such craftsmanship, and thanks to everyone who made jokes, because without y’all this paper would just be boring and informative. Thanks everyone for one of the smoothest productions yet, and I can’t wait to see this in print! XOXO, Sage
Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Melina Cruz Summer Davis Chris Doherty Aniela Drumonde Sarah Ebert Daniel Eliyahu Connor Gorry
Leo Grabowski Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Catherine Krummenacher Daniel Kupor Sam Leaman Heather Lim
Miranda May Keshav Mittal Marina Nasief Natalia Nenn Elizabeth Niculescu Avaneesh Pentaparthy Kavita Poduri Robert Renfro Isabelle Rupani
Luis Alex Sanchez Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Rhys Shriver Vanessa Tian Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Kate Zegans Yilin Zhang Ricky Zhao
Booster Club On the rainiest of productions, we take a moment to thank all of the lovely people who made this weekend possible (by giving us food). Thanks to Jack, Dexter, Andrew, StePHen, Jay W., Adam, and Calvin and Jill from FOOSH for donating their Monopoly money. Thanks to Jessica for the giant bags of chips, Isaac for the bagels and muffins, and Ethan for the cookies. And finally thanks to Jay N. for the shitload of sodas, Oreos, and general sweets from Tokyo Central. The snacks didn’t keep us dry, but we do greatly appreciate them.
theMQ.org
February 6, 2019
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Local White Person Plays Uno “Reverse” Card on Racism Accusation
EDITORIAL
I Wish I Could Make a Difference in Politics, but I Don’t Know How
by Nancy Pelosi
Speaker of the House
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PHOTO By jessica MA
Zimmerman reportedly didn’t realize that a “Reverse” card couldn’t reverse the centuries of systematic racial discrimination. By Sage Cristal and Dan Kaliblotzky Editor-in-Chief and Content Editor
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an Diego resident Arnold Zimmerman, upon being arrested for a hate crime in an East County Denny’s, attempted to deflect charges by presenting the police with an Uno “Reverse” card, claiming that the situation was an example of reverse racism. After he was fired from the Denny’s and learned that the job opening was given to 17-year-old Gary Tucker, who is black, eyewitnesses claim Zimmerman entered the Denny’s clearly intoxicated and placed small Confederate flags in various customers’ pancakes. Police arrested Zimmerman only after he threw a salt shaker
at Tucker while shouting, “I hope this action is affirmative enough for you!” The San Diego County Sheriff’s Department held a press conference today in which the officer at the scene spoke directly about the situation. La Mesa Police Officer Maria Velasquez told reporters, “The actions of this individual do not reflect the values of our community. Zimmerman not only displayed his ignorance as it relates to affirmative action, but he also demonstrated that he didn’t understand the limited sphere of influence in which the Uno “Reverse” card functions. I hope that we all can learn from his actions and speak out against the incorrect use of playing cards. Last week we had someone come in with a “Get Out of Jail Free” card from Monopoly, and they tried to tell me they could
use it because they were playing by their house rules. But I play by the rules of America’s justice system, which doesn’t use free parking, morons.” After Officer Velasquez’s press conference, the manager of the La Mesa Denny’s spoke with reporters to clarify Zimmerman’s firing. Branch Manager Isabelle Carson said, “I fired Zimmerman because he was a rude, lazy, and unskilled worker. Hiring Gary was not an act of affirmative action. I gave him the job because he has good grades in school, he shows initiative, and he actually seemed interested in cooking food and serving customers. I look forward to having Gary on our team, and I am grateful I won’t have to keep telling Zimmerman to leave his MAGA hat at home.” Zimmerman commented on his use of the Uno card
saying, “I don’t understand how I always end up the victim of these racist attacks. Reverse racism is rampant in this country, and smartasses like that Gary kid prove it. Why take a job away from a hardworking American like me and give it to a child? Just because I was late four out of five days of the week and I only shower when my ex-wife comes to visit doesn’t mean a high schooler should be given a chance instead of me. I’m the one who needs protection here. Did you hear whites will become the minority in 2045? When we do, people won’t keep insulting my musical about the unexplored romantic side of Robert E. Lee, leaving mean reviews like: ‘This isn’t tasteful,’ or, ‘Do you even know what happened in the Civil War?’ or, ‘It needed better lighting design.’ You’ll see.”
Student Finds Parking on Campus Twice in a Row
The student is now a devout member of the Church of Latter Day S-Spots. By Ronak Shah Staff Writer
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UCSD student successfully found parking two days in a row at Hopkins Parking Structure. The student, who wished to remain anonymous because of fears that their permit would be revoked, detailed how they managed to achieve such a feat. “I’m just amazed that it worked despite such little planning,” said the student, “only five months.” To orchestrate their endeavor, they placed motion sensors on every parking spot in Hopkins Parking Structure and enlisted a Data Science major to find the optimal time to park. “I figured that if I collect enough data, I could achieve big data, making anything possible,” the student
explained. After collecting the information, the student deployed an army of raccoons to swarm a spot before they arrived on campus, ensuring a spot for them. “Sadly, the parking police caught onto my strategy on day three and distracted my raccoon army with sandwiches from Foodworx.” Studies conducted by the UCSD Department of Transportation have found that most students at UC San Diego do not park on campus. “I usually try to park at Gliderport, but it’s impossible to find parking there,” 21-year-old Lyndsey Yang reported. “Other days I just leave it in a 20 minute loading zone and just hope.” Some students, in frustration at the absence of campus parking, have been taking
to parking their cars in the middle of Library Walk and setting them up as booths to peddle flyers. The anonymous student’s feat has drawn attention from Chancellor Pradeep Khosla, who praised the student’s ingenuity. “UCSD students have long complained about the difficulties about finding parking on campus, but this student’s use of engineering shows the core strengths of UC San Diego.” To “encourage more engineering feats,” Khosla ordered that the spots the student used to park to be converted to A-spots. The anonymous student has expressed their excitement for the Winter Career Fair, juvenated by their success in sequential parking. “I think I’ll finally have a shot at getting a
ike many Americans, I want to make a valuable difference in my community, but it can seem overwhelming and hopeless. How much of a difference could I, a single person, really make? For example, there’s this pothole on my street that hasn’t been fixed yet. I run over it at least once every week and so do many of my neighbors. Every day that hole doesn’t get fixed is another nail in the coffin of my faith in our government, but what exactly am I supposed to do about it? These matters are forever intertwined with unaccountable institutions and corrupt officials, like Mario the pothole repair guy. I am not the only one who feels this way. In fact, according to a recent survey conducted by me, 120 percent of my neighbors are “fed up with the fat cats in city hall, hoarding all of our pothole repair supplies for their greedy little selves while they
drive their new Bugattis over our dignity on the way to their golf courses and private schools on perfectly smooth roads.” Yes, that was how I phrased the question. Using this newly gathered data, I did the only thing I could think to do. Write a letter to my city councilman, the most powerful person I know, Ernesto Wilkerson. It was signed by all the people in my neighborhood, except in my handwriting for some reason, and even then it took weeks to get any sort of response. I did eventually get one in the form of a Hallmark card that said “Oopsie daisy, I am actually not even remotely sorry and I’m glad the roads don’t work.” And that was just the outside. I didn’t even know they made cards like that. The inside was even more offensive. It was a message that said, “Dear Ms. Pelosi,” and then “NO” in a cartoonishly large rubber stamp. Everyone I know has a story like this, sometimes many. The truth is that there is no apparent way for regular working mothers such as myself, my nextdoor neighbor Karen, or the Karen on the other side of the street to make a difference in this cold world. Don’t even get me started on my career. I’m stuck in the same terrible job I had 10 years ago. It’s just going to a bunch of pointless meetings about whatever and nobody cares.
TOP Ten
Reasons You Regret Robbing That Old Woman 10. She ran a lot faster than you thought she would 9. It was right in front of a police station 8. She was not afraid to use her dentures 7. There was a baby right next to her with candy ripe for the taking 6. She knew that you were robbing her, but she said it was nice to have somebody to talk to after her kids stopped visiting, and now you feel bad 5. Her bag was kind of heavy, and now you’re reminded of how weak you are 4. She was your parole officer 3. She told you that she was disappointed in you, and it really stung 2. She ended up being your Lyft driver to get back home 1. It was your grandma
PHOTO By Stephen lightfoot
job after I graduate,” the student said. “I realized life is just like a series of crowded parking lots, and parking in a crowded lot was just the latest crowded lot in my life. If I can manage to park in a UCSD parking spot, of all places, there’s no limit for me in the metaphorical parking lot of my future!” Sources close to the student confirmed that their LinkedIn headline now read “Automobile Storage Expert.” The anonymous student was unfortunately unable to make it on time to their classes the second day, due to “double-fisting” two burritos from Goody’s in celebration of their feat. Their USP 120 professor stated that the student will not be losing lecture credit, citing the entire ordeal a “great lesson in urban planning.”
The shrink ray only kind of worked
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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theMQ.org
Study Shows Most Anti-Vaxxers Are Just Kids Afraid of Needles
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
Despite not being popular with children, Dr. Franklin Johnson said that he’s proud of his three-stars on Yelp. By Steven Zhou
Assistant Content Editor
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report from the Center for Disease Control has found that 95 percent of the anti-vaccination movement is composed of people with a fear of needles. This new study was conducted in response to “No Needles, No Kidding,” the largest anti-vaccination youth-advocacy group in the nation. It recently released alarming statistics that showed strong correlations between the number of vaccinations received in childhood and rates of “ouchies and owwies.” “We at the CDC completely understand that getting shots can be frightening for young children,” said Director Robert Redfield, “However, we were shocked to discover how much political clout these people have. Seriously, why are there
so many dweebs in these organizations? And why are so many people actually believing these kids? I mean, damn, just because a kid throws a tantrum doesn’t mean you can just give them whatever they want.” Responses to the CDC Director’s statements were overwhelmingly negative from people choosing to remain unvaccinated. Prominent antivaxxer and self-proclaimed “very big boy” Justin Patel explained that he felt personally attacked by the study: “I don’t wanna get needles. They give me big boo-boos that I need mama and dada to kiss, but they keep asking the doctor if I’m sick. My doctor is just a big buttface. Also, Mr. Redfield is being super-duper mean to big kids like me who are smart enough to make our own decisions.” After Patel’s statement, millions of children across the country sent their condo-
lences and weekly allowances to “No Needles, No Kidding.” Over 10 million dollars were collected in the aftermath. The organization announced plans to use their new-found money to lobby extensively for looser vaccine requirements for all American children, especially those found in school districts. Recent trends show vaccination rates continue to drop as these children’s interest groups gain more exposure. Although concerns over the uptick in diagnoses of previously eradicated illnesses have been raised by physicians and scientists alike, a Gallup poll has shown that most adults would rather give these anti-vaxxer children whatever they want in order to “shut them up.” These statistics baffle Dr. Patricia Jung, a family physician based in San Diego, who remarked, “We really need to reel these kids in. The last
thing we need is to have polio come back and infect a bunch of entitled children who are too proud to admit when they were wrong.” The CDC released a public service announcement urging all Americans to get their children vaccinated. The announcement even had tips on how to discreetly vaccinate one’s child, including methods such as “sneak-injecting a vaccine on your child while they are watching Spongebob” and “hiding a vaccine in your child’s brownies so it will poke through their tongue.” “It’s sad that it’s come to this,” said Director Redfield, “but I guess when it comes to trustworthiness with the American public, a bunch of clueless children are apparently more trustworthy than a physician who slaved away over a decade of their life to become knowledgeable in human health.”
Boats Wash Ashore in Revelle Quad After Stuart Art Collection Piece is Mistaken for Lighthouse By Jack Yang
Assistant Graphics Editor
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ecent heavy rain has led countless of boats in attempt to dock around the Revelle Quad. Sailors claimed that they had mistaken the new Stuart Art Collection piece “What Hath God Wrought?” for a local lighthouse. The piece has drawn attention beyond students and faculty on campus, as ships of every size and shape converged on campus amid a storm that hit the California coastline. Since then, the walkways and public areas have been filled with seafarers looking to hit the pub, explore the area, or sell their catch of the day. In a recent interview with Wilhelm Whittaker University student Culpepper Washington, a Yacht beached near Galbraith has been identified as part of his school’s study abroad program. “Yeah, all us Whittaker kids came aboard the ‘Yachtyssey’ on an ‘academic expedition’ related to South American history and cultures. Although it’s been fun exploring foreign lands, I’ll admit I was too busy getting high to really pay attention during our Spanish classes, as was most of the class. But it’s cool to finally visit San Domingo.” Meanwhile, a small, military-class submarine was found lodged in the Revelle Plaza fountain. Submarine Commander Daniel H. Pinckney, visible only through a gap in the sub’s jammed entry hatch, explained that the underwater vehicle was in a covert military operation before coming ashore. “Are you telling me this isn’t our unit’s classified rendezvous location? The coded phrase,
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
The grounded sub was soon declared the newest Stuart Art Collection piece. ‘What Hath God Wrought,’ was the Pentagon’s signal reserved for emergencies only — this is a breach of national security! Don’t you dare move! We have to investigate everyone present for espionage — as soon as we can get out of this vessel.” However, of all the boats that arrived on campus this week, none caused more commotion than the Flying Dutchman, which was run aground just behind 64 Degrees. Captain Hendrick Van Der Decken, the missing navigator of the legendary boat lost to time, was found
attempting to trade silver bullion and glass beads at Roger’s Market. “Since coming ashore, the natives have traded with us exotic fruits of the New World,” said Van Der Decken, gesturing towards a pallet of Smuckers’ Uncrustables and Pringles. “A colony here may see great returns for the Dutch East India Company, and I intend to send an envoy to His Majesty immediately. However, most of my crew has been undone by a terrible case of Measles, and the prospect of a voyage returning home now seems rather difficult.
Of course, I am vaccinated, as only a fool would act as if they were in such a less advanced time and let themselves succumb to such a preventable plague.” As skies clear and the campus starts getting more sunny weather, the Stuart Art Collection has claimed the stranded boats as an original form of installation art. However, in a message to the UCSD community, Chancellor Khosla claims that he “won’t be fooled,” and warns that parking citations for the ships will be distributed immediately.
February 6, 2019
The MQ’s Valentine’s Day
February 6, 2019
theMQ.org
Page 5
Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women
Hillary Clinton Announces 2020 Presidential Run, Will Do Everything the Same as Last Time
PHOTO By Jack Yang
“Look, if you wanted me to stop running, you should’ve just voted me into office the first time,” said Clinton. PHOTO By Jessica Ma
After getting pied in the face at a Planned Parenthood fundraiser, Richard McDaniel said, “Wow, now I know exactly how women have felt for thousands of years!” By Stephen Lightfoot Graphics Editor
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ollowing a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. “Brothers of TriAlpha,” McDaniel began in an announcement posted within his frat house, “I’ve spent the last week of our cancer awareness campaign on a beer, weed, and MDMA cocktail. And while it was awesome ... that’s not the point I’m trying to make. My main point is that in the middle of that bender, I came to some pretty grim realizations — namely that as of right now, TriAlpha is currently an environment steeped in toxic masculinity which results in objectification of women, exclusionary policies, and numerous
other issues which I’m sure you’re at least somewhat aware of. And I gotta say, that honestly sounds like some Sigma Kappa Sigma shit, not TriAlpha.” Though McDaniel credits his drug-fueled experience for his epiphany, his message carried weight with other members, especially among new pledges. “For once, it’s great to hear someone come out and discourage a lot of the negative things you typically hear about frats,” said Jeremiah Ferguson, a first-year. “I may have pledged primarily as an excuse to binge drink, but I’m pretty proud that it aligns with my views of ‘don’t assault people,’ and ‘don’t be racist,’ too.” Another fraternity brother, Rory Alvar, also voiced his support. “I can’t say I disagree with Richard,” said Alvar. “We’ve been going pretty hard, and our chapter has been under threat of suspension for a few
months now. I think if any time is time for a ‘come to Jesus’ moment or whatever, it’s now. ‘Cause I don’t know about you, but I really don’t wanna have to give up throwing ragers every weekend.” Alvar later inquired if “coming to Jesus” meant they could “turn water into wine,” which received a “very hard maybe” from the chapter’s president. Since his announcement, McDaniel claims he has noticed significant change in his day-to-day and weekend lifestyles. “Normally, when I’m walking around campus, I would wear my sunglasses and check out all the babes without them noticing,” McDaniel noted. “But now, I can walk with confidence and give people subtle head nods while looking at what really counts — their eyes. Plus, at parties, I don’t just play Edward Fortyhands and try to get laid anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still go hard. There’s
absolutely no question about that. But you know, it’s amazing what will happen once you have a strong sense of right and wrong. The men and women in my general vicinity, especially those who I play Edward Fortyhands with, have thanked me. My liver though? My liver still hates me.” While it’s not clear that other fraternities will follow in TriAlpha’s footsteps, McDaniel says that he’s proud of the work his fraternity has done so far. “You know, it’s pretty incredible that TriAlpha has managed to turn itself around like this,” McDaniel smiled, a tear rolling down his cheek. “As the leader of TriAlpha’s upcoming spirit week, I wanna make sure we get hammered, demolish Sigma Kappa Sigma at the inter-fraternity Olympics, and most importantly … love each other, ourselves, and our fellow man, woman, or non-binary person.”
UCSD Opens First On-Campus Medical Marijuana Dispensary
These bongs were advertised under the slogan: “To help with your weeder classes!” By Sam Cane and DanIEL Clinton Copy Editor and MQ Step Cousin
I
n an effort to raise profits and “student morale,” UCSD recently announced its decision to add a medical marijuana section to John’s Market and rename it “Chronic John’s.” They reportedly plan to partner with various farms across Southern California to develop exclusive crossbred strains made specially for Muir College such as Glacier Grass, Sour Geisel, Tuolumne Tea, and nondescript bags of loose, brown plant material for those with HDH’s cheapest dining plan. Many students volunteered to become trial subjects, some even with legitimate medical cards. Ned Naticus, a senior
in the Muir College Council, stated that he was eager to start the project and had high hopes for student turn-out, commenting, “It’s amazing. We are also planning classes on how to roll a joint, so these freshmen can stop rolling chodes. I’m looking at you, Jeremy.” Similarly, strong interest has been shown amongst HDH student workers to transfer to the new dispensary section. Sophomore Jeremy Hierba is one of the new HDH “budtenders” employed at UCSD’s first on-campus medical marijuana dispensary. “It’s the most training I ever got for an HDH position. Muir college and UCSD has finally allowed me to follow my passion: getting students super fucking high,” said Hierba. “My supervisor doesn’t glare at me in this
job, because I actually get paid to be high at work now. That is what they pay me for, right?” However, some Muir students have come forth opposing Chronic John’s rebranding. First year Lacy Skett stated, “It’s outrageous. Besides all of Muir smelling like weed, I can’t believe this school would just ignore their non-smoking policies and sell marijuana just to pick up some extra cash. I thought people stopped doing that after high school.” Second year Deirdre Johnson also opposed the new direction, “Everyone is getting completely hustled by HDH. They’re charging 25 Dining Dollars for one gram. That’s way more than my rates.” Valerie Cortin, the “local stoner of Tuolumne” commented, “It’s quite simple:
By Ethan Edward Coston Web Editor
F
ailed 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced this week that she will pursue the presidency again in 2020. John Podesta will serve once again as her campaign chair, and long time aide Huma Abedin will also return as vice chair. She hired the same senior staffers as 2016 and plans to follow the same campaign strategy of ignoring key states and “crossing her fingers for a win.” “I think we have a winning strategy here,” said Hillary Clinton in a recent statement. “After four years of Trump and his Russian collusion, there’s no way voters will vote against me this time! And besides, I think voters know that I’m working for their best interests. They don’t really care about the large donations I’ve received from investors or my lack of support for universal healthcare and other progressive policies. I mean, who wants quality healthcare when we can have long lines?” In response to the announcement, President Trump tweeted: “No Colushin, Ive instructed my W.H. Council Too Investigate Killery’s emails and #LockHerUp.” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders later held a rare press briefing where she dumped boxes of printouts of Hillary’s emails all over reporters. “President Trump was very generous by deciding not to investigate her before,” Huckabee Sanders said as an explanation of her press briefing. “I think this will show the fake news that we mean business and will actually lock her up this time.” While most democrats and progressives have been calling for younger, more progressive leadership, Clinton’s statement said she decided to run again after “encouragement from my donors — er I mean voters across the country.” Clinton joins a crowded field of candidates for the democratic presidential nomina-
tion, including Tulsi Gabbard, Joe Biden, and Bernie Sanders. Many others are expected to announce their candidacy in the coming months, including Eric Dunham, commonly known as “that one wannabe politician in your poli-sci class who thinks they’re smarter than the professor.” DNC Chairman Tom Perez announced that the DNC will rig the election so Hillary Clinton can become the first and second woman to win the democratic nomination for president. In response, political analysts characterized the situation as “sparking outrage amongst young, progressive candidates who actually have a good chance of mobilizing voters and winning against Trump.” Despite her track record of being a centrist Democrat, Perez believes she is the only progressive candidate that has a chance of winning. When asked if following the same strategy as 2016 is a bad idea, Perez said, “Absolutely not! I mean … Trump will never expect us to do the same thing twice! There’s no way we can lose twice.” Many young voters stated that they plan to write-in the name of Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, even though she won’t meet the age requirement for the presidency for another six years. One voter stated, “Causing a constitutional crisis to get AOC elected president would be a lot better for the country than electing either Trump or Clinton.” Clinton remains unfazed by these trends. “It really is my time in 2020. I just need someone to tell me exactly how to appear relatable to the youth and teach me how to use the Snapchat. Once I’m president, they’ll finally realize that protecting the statusquo of business interests will be beneficial to everyone, especially to millennials still living with their parents because they’re dirt poor.”
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
capitalism. Bro, let me explain their business model. California passed the Compassionate Use Act to help students, but HDH is exploiting it for profit! They even tax kief now; they take the kief off the flower and sell it separately. Absolute crime against nature. I can’t believe HDH found a way to ruin weed for me. Anyway do you want to go to Gliderport, or something?” In response to the disdain over Chronic Johns’ presence at UCSD, HDH announced its plan to open another dispensary in Sixth College and to more aggressively advertise their line of products throughout campus. “After all,” said a newly hired Sixth College Pot Market employee, “if we can’t make people like HDH, we might as well get them addicted to it.”
We’re still lost in the McPlayPlace
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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February 6, 2019
The MQ’s Fashion Show
The UCSD Collection featuring: Just the Basics, Sultry in Scantron, Lab Coat by Gucci, Coffee Couture, Ver
Fashion Holi Dress Like a Laptop Day
Fast Fashion Day
On this d act like is tota now, nobo a goo look to otherwis
Strut with the confidence that you know everything you need to know to be a style icon. And if you don’t, you can just google it!
February 11
June 24
March 22
June 25 A day to come fashionably late to work, but mostly as a result of you not being able to use any door knobs!
Shoes-as-Mittens Day
E
t
Real Housewive of La Jolla Day
February 6, 2019
theMQ.org
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The MQ Pre-Spring Post-Post Fall Winter Collection is the wearable, sleek fashion that is turning heads schoolwide this season. This is the UCSD-themed collection to end all UCSDthemed collections, so let our sense of style dazzle you! We have the fashion know-how and the fashion holier-than-thou to give you the hottest perspective on 2019 couture!
Fashion Police Report
Friday, February 1 11:25 a.m. - Indecency. Aus tralian man found wearing t-shirt and shorts during winter, made up excuse about the Southern Hemisphere. Hung by feet. 6:43 p.m. - Murder. Dog arrested for wearing cute sweater, gave owners heart attack from cuteness. Petted affectionately. 11:13 p.m. - Burglary. Reported robbery. Suspects successfully escaped by wearing all camo. Saturday, February 2 8:10 a.m. - Indecency. Rancher seen wearing “Joots.” Tased and detained. 11:20 a.m. - Identity Theft. Man suspected of wearing sweatshirt of a different college than the one he went to. Detained for questioning. 11:50 a.m. - Fraud. Clothing company CEO arrested for making fake pockets. Forced to wear women’s clothing. 1:30 p.m. - Accessory. Frat bro’s closet found without snapbacks. Suspect arrested. 3:27 p.m. - Fraud. Man found wearing basketball shoes, could not identify basketball from police lineup. Sentenced to watch a game.
ry Oversized is the New Oversized
idays
day, you can e your outfit ally in right because ody will get od enough o tell you se!
The Harvest Festival You’ll look great during this annual celebration of crop-tops!
October 5 November 4
Enjoy a drink in your most expensive loungewear as you chat with Pam about what that bitch Carol did at the PTA meeting today.
es
RIP. Journalism Day
Sunday, February 3 8:12 a.m. - Harassment. Woman caught wearing “that skirt with that top.” Judged. 9:00 a.m. - Harassment. Local professor found only wearing 80% tweed. Suspect arrested. 12:30 p.m - Indecency. Man found wearing socks with sandals. Sandals found not to be Birkenstocks. Sentenced to community service.
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State of Emergency Admitted as 51st State
POINT
The Internet is Broken and I Can’t Find My Email By Gertrude Smith Age 92
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PHOTO By Jack yang
“America is the best. We have a 51-star rating,” proclaimed Trump. By Dexter Hamilton
Assistant Content Editor
D
espite common perception, the government instituted a significant change during the shutdown last month — the admission of a new state to the Union. The selection of the new state surprised many observers, eschewing long-time favorites such as Puerto Rico or the nation’s capital, but those who guessed the capital would not be far off. While most of Washington, D.C. will remain a part of Virginia, a small area on Pennsylvania Avenue has been admitted to the Union as the State of Emergency. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, commonly known as the White House, comprises the entirety of this new state. The state’s most infamous resident, President Donald Trump, was fundamental in ratifying Emergency’s statehood. When
reached for comment, he stated that, “In a State of Emergency, I have all the powers. This is new for me. When my party controlled only three branches of the federal government, we couldn’t do anything. Everyone knows this decision is very smart, the smartest decision, the very best.” Presidential advisor George R. Banks noted that “this is not what State of Emergency means” before learning of his firing over Twitter. Residents of the new state have quickly moved through the requirements of statehood. License plates in Washington D.C. have always read “Taxation without Representation.” In lieu of a complete redesign, a quick cut-and-paste job has brought about the state’s new slogan, “Representation without Taxation,” which proves popular among residents. Other symbols, such as the
State Bird (Lame Duck), the State Flower (An eight day old rose from Walmart in its original plastic wrap), and the State Flag (the Confederate Battle Flag, though not the white one from the final battle), were also quickly chosen. Previously, Alaska had the smallest number of House Representatives, due to its small population of 740,000. Emergency will be the new holder of this title, as its population of three will give it 0.00004 seats in the House. However, as described by the President, “The genius of the very cool, very fair congressional system will give our fantastic state two seats in the Senate.” By default, these seats will fall to Melania and Barron Trump, in which the latter will become the youngest Senator in U.S. history. The youngest Trump son will reportedly be focusing on a law forbidding
governmental and parental involvement in bedtimes and dinner content. The President has pointed towards the border wall around the new state (previously known as “the fence around the White House”) as an example of the wall he would like to see around the country, as it has been “very great at keeping immigrants out of here.” Commentators have noted that 33 percent of the residents of Emergency are immigrants to the country, to which the president replied “fake news.” President Trump has also declared that if being in the state of Emergency does not allow for more progress on his platform, Emergency will secede from the Union. He cited the “success” of previous secessions whilst saluting the aforementioned state flag.
UCSD Offers Meth Class After Typo
kay Google, I want my email ... Is this working? Forget it, I’ll do it myself ... Thomas honey, I need your help … I can’t find my email! I think the internet is broken, all these videos and pictures keep popping up and I can’t find my email ... I don’t know what’s wrong but every time I open my computer all I see is a picture of a hill and a blue sky ... You can help your Granny, can’t you? You’re such a sweet boy … sorry, sweet man ha ha ha! Is your mother doing well? She never answers my phone calls, so I’ve been trying to send her emails, but now this! I keep clicking on the boxes when they pop up but I don’t think anything is helping ... Your grandpa’s no help, he keeps trying to tell me that nothing is broken, but what does
he know? He keeps getting his phone stuck in Spanish ... Can you believe that? Anyways, I’ve got to go ... My computer says I have a lot of people trying to talk to me, so it must be pretty important ... I don’t remember any of these dating websites, the only one I know is that one Kindling or something, but I guess there’s a lot of stuff I forget ... Hugs and kisses, love you!! XOXOasdhljefslmaxa xx admssssssssssss…………..
COUNTERPOINT
Grandma, You’re on the Internet Right Now By Thomas Smith Age 17
G
randma, you’re using the internet right now to send me this. And have you been calling the right phone number? You might be calling her work number by accident, you should check which one is set up for phone calls. I think the picture of the hill is the default screensaver, all you need to do is click on your browser icon. And I don’t think you can break the internet, it’s probably just really slow because you keep clicking on ads. You need to download a firewall and an ad blocker, your computer sounds like it’s full of viruses. Do you want me to come over and help? Mom is doing well, she said that she hasn’t gotten any phone calls, but you keep sending her text messages that are just a combination of random letters (kinda like you just did on this message). Tell Grandpa that I’ll help him fix
his phone when I come over next weekend. I don’t know how you can accidentally set everything to Spanish, but I’ll try to show him how to fix it for the future. Anyway, you probably shouldn’t respond to any of those emails, I don’t think those are actual people, and it sounds like you’re being scammed. Also for the love of God, stay away from Tinder Grandma. You know what, just take your computer to Best Buy, they can fix all of this for you. Just call Geek Squad, okay? I love you too Grandma.
TOP Ten
Reasons You Switched Churches
“I am the lecture. I am the one who chalks,” said guest lecturer Walter White. By Adam Yoshinaga Distro Captain
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n January 7, a math professor expressed feeling stressed after seeing the three-page roster for his freshman seminar. A spelling mistake in UCSD’s app, WebReg, led to many students to enroll and waitlist in a class they thought centered around the drug methamphetamine. When students saw the first lecture slide titled “Math 87,” many were distraught. After taking an iClicker poll asking whether they were planning to drop the class, an overwhelming 99 percent responded “yes.” This lead to the professor’s new syllabus with course content to “satiate the students.” The updated course syllabus was posted on TritonEd the night of the 7th, which included a weekly outline. Topics included, according to a student who wished to remain anonymous, the
following: history of meth, meth in the modern day, finding the right dealer, avoiding homelessness, and as an optional Week 5 discussion, treatment of addiction. The professor originally had his class in York 3050B, but after discovering the roster size, the class was forced to relocate to Pepper Canyon 122 in order to support the expanded class size. In order to accommodate the expected “instructional smoking demonstrations” of methamphetamine during class, PCYNH 122 had the fire alarms temporarily removed. Jesse Zhou, a pre-med student, recalled several students staying after class. “Yeah they were like there, but like, they weren’t. It was almost like they were, like, unconscious or something. Like, seriously? This is like a class that I’m, like, super interested and investing my time into! Like, these skinny ass dudes just come in and, like, aren’t taking this
seriously and disrupt my learning experience? Like, what the hell? That, like, really pisses me off.” The professor later denounced Zhou’s statement, claiming that he “almost definitely appeared to be hallucinating.” As a result of the dramatically increasing class size, the need for teaching assistants was soon addressed. In collaboration with Chancellor Khosla — who has allegedly been giving “twice as many grandiose speeches,” leading many to believe that he himself is an addict — several “area expert druggies” were hired in order to assist with the optional weekly “lab” where several “recreational practice activities” take place. One TA for the class, Taylor “Speedy” Gonzalez, said that he is excited for freshmen to explore the world of addiction. “I might not look so good, but I feel good. And I can teach you how to feel good. It’s all about the high, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout the
PHOTO By stephen lightfoot
higher education,” he added with a wink. When students were asked their opinion on the class, their responses were overwhelmingly positive. “I wanna be the next Walter White,” said Bryan Black, explaining his motivations for starting the UCSD Highsenberg Club. Mary Ashburn, currently number two on the waitlist for the class, expressed concern, stating, “I don’t think the 10 percent rule applies here, and I really need this class for my, um, my minor.” The professor recently announced plans to eventually expand the course to a new major, Methamatics, which will focus on the study of math while under the influence of meth. “We gonna add numbers til they make sense, and if they don’t, til we feel good about it … or feel good about something … Oh, and you won’t have to take the 20 series.”
10. Your old church forced you to buy some lame book called “The Bible” 9. You realized your old church was actually a Church’s Chicken 8. You tried to make a baptism more fun with a Super Soaker 7. Your new church saves you 50% on sins 6. Your old church lost the War on Christmas 5. The church mom who made the best cookies died 4. You decided you’d rather get allegories from a group of vegetables 3. You drop-kicked an altar boy 2. Your old church didn’t let you divorce, so you made your own 1. You moved
Do you really not think you can do better than this?
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
February 6, 2019
theMQ.org
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New Parents Celebrate Their Fetus’ Genitalia With Cake and Explosions
Trump Announces Plans to Run
PHOTO By Hannah Lykins
“Trump has the right to run, and it’s a right he will exercise,” said Sanders. By Steven Zhou
Assistant Content Editor
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PHOTO By Sage Cristal
While the couple was delighted to use the “It’s a girl!” extinguisher on the fire, California State Officials were quick to send them a notice the following day saying: “It’s a felony!” by Sage Cristal Editor-in-Chief
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ast night, parents-to-be Donna and Eric Henway sent out invitations to their upcoming party where they plan to reveal the nature of their unborn child’s genitals to their friends and family through the use of food-dyed cake and colored balloons filled with pink and blue gunpowder. In the invitations, the Henways referred to the event as a “Gender Reveal Party,” although the Henways are in fact using the occasion to reveal their fetus’ sex, previously determined through an ultrasound. The Henways mentioned in the party’s Facebook event page that they had been inspired to arrange this celebration after watching a video online. The video in question shows a couple firing a gun at a barrel
of gunpowder that ignites a dry field of chaparral in blue flames, meant to indicate that their child was to be born a male. Mr. Henway wrote in the Facebook event description, “What better way to tell the world of our baby’s masculinity/femininity than with a field of flames! We will be providing loaded guns and full barrels of explosives to all of our guests, but BYOAVG! (That means Bring Your Own Aloe Vera Gel!) The weather forecast predicts high winds for the day of our shindig so be careful of the moving flames!” The Henways mentioned they were also inspired by Pinterest boards of young couples sharing photos of their own “Gender Reveals.” Mrs. Henway’s personal board is also dedicated to ways that she can unveil her child’s sex to her friends and family. Some
of her pinned posts include a cake that asks “touchdowns or tutus?”, a sign that inquires “fishing or fashion?” and a t-shirt that questions, “guns or glitter?” Despite genitals having no impact on hobby preferences, Mrs. Henway still entertains the idea that only children with penises can watch football, go fishing, or shoot guns; and only children with vaginas may wear tutus, have an interest in fashion, or enjoy glitter. In addition to decorations and a cake filled with pink and blue M&Ms, the Henways have planned games for their guests to enjoy during the party, among them guessing the weight of the baby once it is born and estimating the birth date. According to a Facebook post, Mrs. Henway has started looking for pinatas which she plans to fill with bows if the child has a vagina and bullets if the child has a penis.
One guest invited to the Henways’ “Gender Reveal Party” reached out to reporters to comment on their previous experiences at a Henway party. Jennifer Logan told correspondents, “Eric and Donna literally had a baby shower last month, and I shelled out $60 for a baby bottle sterilizer. Now this month they’re asking me to show up to another party and bring another gift for their kid who hasn’t even been born yet. So no, I will not be attending their party.” The Henways’ “Gender Reveal Party” will take place on February 19 at the Henway residence, and all guests are encouraged to bring a gift to “help encourage our little bundle of joy to burst forth into the world.” Guests are also reminded that the child will not burst forth into the world for any gift less than $30.
The MQ’s Guide to Selling Girl Scout Cookies Hi, I’m Tracy Maldonado. I’m 11 years old, and I’ve been selling Girl Scout cookies with my parents for five years now. Over the years, I’ve tried really, really, really hard to be a good Girl Scout and make my troop proud, so I sharpened my entrepreneurial skills and mastered the art of the deal. Now, I’ve permanently driven out all competing Girl Scouts in my neighborhood and my business is booming. Here are some of my tips on how to maximize your profit margins and monopolize your local cookie supply.
Start selling gift cards Hire CALPIRG members to sell cookies
Sell on Library Walk
Start accepting Dining Dollars
resident Donald Trump recently made an announcement through Twitter: “I am planning to run.” This five-word tweet has caused a commotion in Washington, D.C. as White House correspondents struggled to make sense of its significance after a confusing response from Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “I think the press is trying to manufacture a state of confusion. President Trump’s message to the public has been crystal clear. He plans on running. His statement is as clear as his ‘Make America Great Again’ slogan, which as we all can tell is definitely happening.” When questioned about whether the President meant “run” as in running for re-election or the physical action of running, Sanders declined to answer and instead asked, “Why is everyone always so interested in what the President means?” before discussing the biases of mainstream media at great length. First Lady Melania Trump has also shown confusion over the tweet by her husband. “Donald did mention to me that he wanted to lose weight as part of his New Year’s resolution, so I guess it could mean he’s going to jog every day. But he also kept talking about wanting to ‘stick it to the Dems’ because of the government shutdown, so maybe he meant that he’s going to start campaigning again? Honestly, I don’t pay much attention to him because I’m too busy these days turning the White House into a mini-golf course so my family can keep our putting skills sharp. Asking Donald directly is probably your best bet.” President Trump declined to comment on his tweet. Political analysts at the “Big Three” news networks are split as to what they believe the meaning of the tweet is. CNN and MSNBC declared that they side more
with “run” as in the President plans on physically running, especially considering the President’s partiality towards nacho bowls which caused him to gain weight. Fox News believes Trump’s message confirms the rumor that he is running for reelection. Nevertheless, an inside source has shared that all three networks are only spending time on this controversy to fill up airtime and increase viewership and ad revenue. “The tweets are pretty much all meaningless, but the network leaders keep showing them because they think no one really cares about the issues. People only like arguing over his tweets. Gotta say though, it makes for some great TV.” The uncertainty behind Trump’s statement has caused some unease abroad. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly felt tremendous pressure for the future. “I don’t care if Trump decides to run for president again. But what if he actually meant that he’s going to start working out? If Trump gets fit, I might lose my position as the pretty boy of the Americas. I swear, if people start calling Trump a ‘daddy’ on Instagram more often than me, politics is really too far gone.” Russian President Vladimir Putin, however, seems quite unsurprised at Trump’s statement, saying in a conference, “I will neither confirm nor deny my involvement in putting this tweet into President Trump’s mind.” In light of this tweet, several athletic-wear companies such as Lululemon, Asics, and Adidas have been offering monetary compensation to the White House in exchange for President Trump promising not to wear their products. “We would rather have someone less polarizing represent our brand,” shared Motoi Oyama, CEO of Asics. “Oh yeah, no company would be caught dead with that kind of controversial character,” added Colin Kaepernick outside the set of a new Nike commercial.
Sell outside a dispensary
Make eye contact and carry a gun Put diet in front of the title
Here are some patches recently awarded to me showcasing my contributions to the community and to the total value of the Girl Scouts of the USA.
“Mom Sold 1,000 Boxes of Cookies for You” Patch
Pyramid Scheme Patch
Sour Kid Patch
Sold Smashed Cookie Box Patch
Gender Roles Patch
Raisin Remover Patch
Somehow, this paper is still free of charge
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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UCSD to Shut Down Over Parking
Louis C.K. Confident in New Standup Routine About Women
PHOTO By Hannah Lykins
“I’d like to apologize to all women, but moreover to all the women who’ve never gotten to see my penis in person,” said C.K. With professors no longer being paid, Chancellor Khosla decided to double his salary. By Quoc Tran Staff Writer
T
he Associated Students Council adjourned at 7:26 p.m., failing to pass a resolution to secure funding for the quarter. UC San Diego will shut down at midnight when funding lapses. Parts of the administration will be furloughed, while faculty deemed essential will continue to work without pay. The shutdown arose from the inability of the Associated Students and Chancellor Pradeep Khosla to cut a deal for the budget. Chancellor Khosla threatened the shutdown after the pro-student parking faction of A.S. refused to give in to the Chancellor’s demands to turn all S-spots into faculty spots. The A.S. Council, dominated by pro-student parking
advocates, and the A.S. Senate, dominated by their opposition, were unable to agree whether or not to give in to Chancellor Khosla’s request for increased faculty spots. After previous declarations that he would accept “any and all blame” for the shutdown, Chancellor Khosla saw a news program call him weak due to his attempt at basic responsibility. The Chancellor’s office then released a statement that blamed the pro-student parking members of A.S. for this shutdown and that Khosla would continue to fight for increased faculty parking spots. The Chancellor's Office argued that the sedentary lifestyle of modern Americans can lead to many health problems, including obesity and cardiovascular disease. Khosla himself added, “I am not responsible for any inconven-
ience that students may find themselves having, and they are free to park their cars at San Diego State University.” Opponents of the Chancellor and his all-faculty parking spot policy claim that students of the university need the current spaces in order to park their cars before classes. Jeffery Inglewood, a self-identified member of the pro-student parking faction, delivered a rousing speech on the A.S. Senate floor that lead to chants of: “We want to park our cars in the parking lots at school!” Supporters of the Chancellor called the chants crass, and they urged their fellow Senators across the aisle to respect the office of the Chancellor and follow the process set out by the A.S. Senate by-laws. Supporters of the Chancellor echoed his argument for a healthier campus, adding that
this would increase the aerobic fitness of students who would be forced to park further away and walk to school. This shutdown, only a few weeks into the Winter quarter, will leave many classes untaught as a lack of budget will leave professors unpaid. The classes deemed essential for students to graduate on time will continue to be taught. Until the shutdown ends, professors will not receive pay and students will not receive credit for these classes. After past university shutdowns, professors have received back pay and students have received back credit once funding for salaries and credits are secured and the school reopens. Should the school fail to reopen by the end of the quarter, it is expected that the chancellor will utilize executive privilege to bulldoze all parking spots.
King Midas: “Golden Globes Were Disappointing”
Though Midas was angered by the Golden Globes, his friend Oscar remained emotionless. By Stephen Lightfoot Graphics Editor
F
ollowing the 76th Golden Globes Awards, infamous political figurehead King Midas called the event “a sham.” First posted to his Twitter account and later confirmed in an interview on MSNBC, Midas criticized the Golden Globes as a whole, saying, “Look, I understand that it’s an awards show, and I agree that the work done by the cast and crew members is incredible. The pursuit and attempt to create entertaining and engaging TV and film is worthy of recognition, no questions asked. I just think that it’s a jerk move to call them the GOLDEN Globes. They're obviously referencing me, and I haven’t even gotten
an invite in years, much less a nomination. Plus, ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ totally got snubbed for Best Musical or Comedy, which is bullshit.” This isn’t the first time that Midas has critiqued the Golden Globes — he has accused the award show year after year for defamation and harassment despite failing to follow through with any lawsuits. One Twitter thread from 2016 resurfaced after Midas’s most recent criticisms, which began with Midas tweeting: “I don’t wanna seem like a drama king, but the #GoldenGlobes kind of seems like a personal attack against me. Like I get it guys, I touch stuff and it turns to gold. No need to be dicks about it.” After one user replied that the awards were more focused on gold’s image of affluence, wealth, and happiness, Midas
replied in what most agreed was a “hostile tone,” tweeting, “Yeah RIGHT @direlad37. If gold is supposed to make you feel so affluent and happy, why do I feel so depressed and empty all the time ??” Midas later apologized for the tweet, stating that he was drunk off of imported Golden Grain liquor, which sits at 190-proof “24-carat style.” In response to his remarks, Midas had received numerous complaints from actors and industry professionals from across the country. Though technically a member of the Hollywood elite in terms of net worth, many within the industry have called Midas a “has-been who’s just trying to get attention.” One source, who wished to remain anonymous, had a unique perspective on Midas’ inner
By Hannah Lykins
PHOTO By Jack Yang
Managing Editor
I
n the aftermath of a recent publicity scandal, comic Louis C.K. has decided to premiere a new standup act in an attempt to curry favor with the public. His subject matter of choice: women. “I feel like women are a really untapped market in comedy,” explained C.K. “Everyone’s been making the same jokes recently. I’ve already run the gambit with my other acts; anyone can make fun of themselves. But women are a new topic for me — I’d like to think I’ve been very respectful towards women in the past.” Previously known for his more relatable and selfdeprecating humor, C.K.’s reputation was tarnished by a major sexual assault scandal in 2017. Until late in 2018, C.K. had taken a break from comedy after promising to change his behavior. “I’d just like to mention now that I am sincerely sorry for my previous behavior. I understand what people’s anger was about, and I now know that it’s my time to step back and listen. And I intend to do this listening by creating a revolutionary standup act, and taking it across the country.” C.K.’s decision to return to comedy has been a polarizing choice; critics have widely been calling the decision unwise, while some fans have been more supportive. “I think he’s a comedic genius,” said one fan. “Louis’ ability to make fun of everyone equally is what really drew
me to him. I mean, all you see anymore are ‘comedians’ insulting your everyday nice guy like me. So I think it’s great that Louis is making fun of women now, ‘cause they deserve it. Us white guys have it hard.” “I know that I’ve messed up in the past, but I really feel like this is the act that’s gonna propel me back into the spotlight for a positive reason,” C.K. said. “This is my opportunity to show everyone that I’m a changed man. And hey, they’re just jokes, right? When has telling jokes ever gotten anyone in hot water?” C.K. has recently been under media fire after an unreleased video of his new standup act was published. The act’s content included controversial comments about school shooting survivors, non-binary individuals, and Asian men among many other politically incorrect subjects. Many on social media were immediate in vilifying C.K., deeming him racist, transphobic, and generally problematic. “I mean, I really didn’t think people would be so offended, but hey, that’s America for you. It’s not even a big deal when you really think about it. If you can’t take a joke, that’s not my problem. Especially race jokes — you know I grew up in Mexico, right? I’m pretty sure that makes it okay.” C.K. debuted his latest special last weekend in Chicago to a modest crowd. However, he later cancelled the rest of his tour due to “a lack of good venue options, weak ticket sales, and the concept of women.”
PHOTO By Jack Yang
thoughts. “Look, Midas may claim that his whole beef with the Golden Globes is that they’re making fun of him, but the truth is that he’s pissed. He got beat out for Best Male TV Star in ’62 by John Daly, and he’s been a real sore loser ever since.” Another source, who also wished to remain anonymous, said, “I mean, yeah, he’s not being the nicest about it, but at the end of the day, you gotta feel bad for him in some way. And deep down, I feel like most people really do feel sorry for him. Awards like the Golden Globes are the ONE thing he could touch without it turning to gold, but then ’62 happened. Poor guy’s never been the same since. Plus, you know, his daughter did die in a freak accident involving gold. So that may also have something to do with it.”
We make this ass look good
THE MQ
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February 6, 2019
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New Avocado-Filled California King Mattresses Take the Country by Storm
EDITORIAL
Liberals Took Away My Parental Rights After I Tried to Make Modern Day Cupid by Handing My Baby a Shotgun
By Dave Bean
I
PHOTO By Jack Yang
“You know what they say: ‘You are what you sleep,’” said Zhang. By Pilan Scruggs Staff Writer
I
n an unexpected trend sweeping the United States, many American couples are redefining the few hours they spend asleep by switching to avocado-filled mattresses. The precise origin of the product has yet to be determined, but the country’s leading mattress manufacturers suggested that they band together to make a “fun twist” on California King sized mattresses. The idea stemmed from the current lack of avocado-filled as mattress sized options. In the past two weeks IKEA, Costco, Macy’s and Walmart stores across the nation have all reported that any shipments containing California King mattresses have only contained the new fruity versions. They have also been experiencing floods of patrons coming in just to try the mattresses without any intention of purchasing one. “It’s kind of silly,” says
Tracy Bates, an IKEA employee. “I thought surely this was just something ridiculous made by some comedy group that the Internet blew up over, but then they asked me to help unload a truckful of them at 3 a.m. that next day! Once we opened, all sorts of people came to flop down on them.” Other workers across the nation have reported similar feelings of incredulity, saying that they were not sure whether the phenomenon was genuine or a punishment for bringing horrible appetizers to their previous holiday parties. Store owners are equally confused by the seemingly unreal mattresses.“What I don’t understand,” commented Molly Hughes, a local mattress store owner, “is why these companies fight with each other over prices and customers, but when it comes to a gag like this, they can suddenly all band together. When does that
ever happen?” Still, other store employees say that they welcome the new California Kings. “It’s certainly a nice change from the normal, mundane routine,” shared Alexander Zhang, a Walmart worker. “Besides, now I can make all sorts of stupid avocado jokes! Hey, since the first shipment, our sales have hit guac-bottom! Get it?” Store owners report that the biggest challenge with the new mattresses is theft. Especially in regions where avocados are scarce, it has become common for thieves to slash open a mattress, pour avocados into a personal bag, and run. “Seriously, if they’re introducing something like this, they’re just asking for it,” commented one thief who requested to remain anonymous. “It must have been a philanthropist’s idea or something, because no sane profit-driven person
would OK this.” Perhaps the group most confused with the avocado mattresses were the avocado farmers. “We all stick pretty close together,” said Bradley Brown, “but nobody has reported a major transaction recently. I wonder if this is all the black market’s doing. Surely it must be.” Although retailers and farmers alike are nowhere closer to solving the mystery of the mattresses’ origin, the general public seems mostly content. “It’s become a game,” said the anonymous thief. “Figure out which stores have these mattresses and then rush in before they start locking them up or stationing guards around them. Who would’ve known you could have so much fun stealing mattress stuffing? The stores keep resisting us, but any day now they’ll give in and start selling avocado toast throws.”
COMMANDER-IN-BRIEF Dr Pepper Sued for Satan Comes to “Save Me From The Professor bans Medical Reclaim Belichick Dark” Alarm Clock phones to prevent Malpractice After Unsurprising Fails to Wake Users students from Super Bowl Win Up Inside watching sex tape Jacob Rolloph, 27, died this week after a heart attack resulting from inappropriate medical treatment given by Dr Pepper. After the incident, Rolloph’s family discovered that Dr Pepper had no actual medical qualifications and subsequently announced that they would be suing them for medical malpractice. “It cost us Jake’s life,” said his mother, Patricia Rolloph. “I’m suing them because they are directly responsible for the death of my son. When we started panicking, someone asked if there was a doctor around and they popped up to volunteer. But then they just stood there looking bubbly as they watched my son collapse to the floor. I can’t believe how cold-hearted that phony doctor was.” Though claiming to have been in practice since 1885, Dr Pepper was found to have no degree and no medical experience. In addition, it was revealed that Dr Pepper was drunk prior to the incident. Pepper’s lawyer has conceded that the lawsuit poses a “sticky situation” for them, but the result is yet to be decided.
Last Sunday night, the New England Patriots claimed victory in Super Bowl 53 over the Los Angeles Rams by the score of 13-03, marking their 6th Super Bowl triumph in the Thomas Brady era. Amidst groans and accusations of cheating from unsurprised watchers, Brady celebrated the win with a yawn. When asked about his feelings, he replied, “I’m excited for the buffet, but I’m just trying to focus on the next one, you know? ‘Brady wins a Super Bowl ring and a senior citizen discount’ has a nice ring to it.” At the end of the game, Brady announced his retirement, stating that he wants to spend the rest of his life becoming a farmhand in northern Massachusetts. Upon hearing the news, Satan himself reportedly rose from the abyss to take Patriots coach Bill Belichick. After seeing Satan, Belichick removed his headset and took his place beside Satan, saying he was “ready to go back home to Hell.” When asked for any last words, Belichick replied, “We’re on to Cincinnati!”
There’s nothing more difficult in my adult life than getting up in the morning. Every day, I wake up feeling like I’ve been sleeping for a thousand years. I just need something to wake me up inside. If I don’t start my day early, I’m numb, without a soul — my spirit sleeping somewhere cold. Before I come undone, I need something to bring me to life. So I was incredibly excited to try the brand new Save Me From The Dark alarm clock, which was advertised to breathe into users and make them real. Unfortunately, I have to say I’m incredibly disappointed with Save Me From The Dark. I need a good alarm clock to save me from the nothing I’m close to becoming. Instead, this alarm clock has done nothing for me. The alarm function is so quiet that you couldn’t wake a sleeping baby, let alone my soul, frozen inside, among the dead. I haven’t been woken up on time a single morning. This product has just left me and let me die here.
UCSD professor Hartman Brody banned phones in his classroom out of fear that his students were watching his sex tape. Brody was reportedly having an affair with another professor on campus, and they recently made a sex tape in a lecture hall. “I know most people think I ban phones in my lecture because I want students to be immersed in every word I say,” said Brody. “But in reality, I’m just scared they’ll look up my sex tape while they’re in class. I mean, that’s what happens in the movies, right?” However, students aren’t convinced. “Professor Brody is just a bad lecturer. It hurts his ego to see students on their phones because he’s an attention-seeker, so he wants us to die from boredom instead,” said one student. “Honestly, I’ve never been in a lecture that’s this boring.” “I’ve seen the tape,” the student continued, “It’s honestly the most vanilla sex tape I’ve ever seen. It’s really not worth watching.”
Freedom Fighter
f you ever need yet another reason to realize the end of civilized America is near, look no further than the leftist culture that has stripped us of our rights again and again. But recently, they took it too far and ripped my two-year-old son, Matt, from my loving arms. This Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend and I decided to dress up our little bundle of joy in a Cupid outfit to try and go viral. While we dressed him up, we also decided that he shouldn’t be able to be seen by millions of people without also broadcasting our deeprooted political beliefs. In this current climate, even Trump isn’t fighting for our guns like he should, so I went to the kitchen table and picked up my loaded automatic shotgun and gave it to our little Matt. Setting him on top of a barricade that read, “Love Our Rights,” we were able to get a great bunch of photos of our little angel. Our baby was cuddling with the shotgun, sucking on the barrel, and even pointing it at Mommy. A few hours after posting these photogenic masterpieces, it did, as intended, go viral. My family and friends loved the
post as well as my favorite libertarian accounts who went as far as to retweet it. We of course had our share of idiotic liberals commenting on the tweet, saying that it was “sick” or “child endangerment”, but I simply DM’d them, called them a racial slur, and then blocked them. At night we were cracking open a case of Bud Light, celebrating our success and letting our little star take his first sips, when our door was breached. The unjust fascist police force broke into our compound and ordered us to stand down at gunpoint. If I was not already three beers in I would have been able to use my self defense RPG against the liberal puppets, but alas, they handcuffed me and my girl. That was the last time I saw little Mattie, being carried away by the feds as he puked up the little drink we gave him. This isn’t a story, this is a call for help. The “libertarian” posers won’t help me storm the police station and rescue my son. I’ve called that Satan-worshipping organization CPS and they say that my son Matt has been adopted by an affluent homosexual couple who will raise him with private school programs and personal tutors. My bloodline is in the clutches of these liberal monsters spreading their hateful progressive propaganda, and I need to hire a personal army to make sure he gets the life he deserves as a subservient in my compound. If you are a real American, email me at beanshapiro@aol.com to help me get my son back.
TOP Ten
Reason Your Shirt’s on Backwards 10. It’s not your shirt that’s backwards, it’s you 9. The front said UCSD and you don’t want to be associated 8. It was backwards when you got it 7. It’s how the cool kids wear it now 6. It’s easier to check your size 5. Your pants were on backwards, and you couldn’t be mismatched 4. Mommy can’t help you put on shirts anymore 3. The front of the shirt is covered in blood 2. This is how it looks on your fake ID 1. You don’t know any other way to get attention
Calvin and Hobbes by Andrew Sitko
theMQ.org
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Sunday Comics
February 6, 2019
tist the Ar f o t h ig The Pl y Noonan by Ja
Calvin and Hobbes by Steven Zhou
rn Cure e d o M The Cristal by Sage
r er-Othe The Oth Meat White aldez nV by Adia
French Existentialist Hermit Crabs by Kate Zegans
Comic Strip by Sage Cristal
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Peanuts by Isabelle Rupani
Garfield by Adian Valdez