The MQ Volume 25 Issue 6 by The MQ

spring

2019

elephants are the animal kingdom’s biggest bitch giraffes aren’t real: the government conspiracy unveiled creator of the most dangerous superbug is the cat’s sleep schedule ideal for humans?

Contents

Executives Placebo Recipient............................................................................Sage Cristal Penguin Measurer........................................................................Hannah Lykins Supermodel Organism.......................................................David Vereau Gorbitz

Editorials A Year of Comebacks

Death of Veganism

Nuclear Apocalypse Puffins

Goods: Criminal Household Assistants

Interview with a Superbug

The Future of the Unicycle Water-tower home

Eating Your Neighbours

proximity to extinction

Farming Almonds

elephants: The Biggest Bitch

The Science Guy........................................................................Dan Kaliblotzky Lobotomized Phlebotomist....................................................................Chris Jin Human pH Strip...........................................................................Dexter Hamilton Crash Test Dumbass........................................................................Steven Zhou Void Researcher.................................................Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Tardigrade Tamer...............................................................................Jay Noonan Parasite Wrangler....................................................................Stephen Lightfoot

Malaria Milker.....................................................................................Jessica Ma Nematode Rancher..............................................................................Jack Yang Flower Analyst..........................................................................Samantha Cane Junk Spelunker..........................................................................Adian Valdez Theoretical Zoologist............................................................Matthew McMahon Human Centrifuge.................................................................Mishelle Arakelian Dolphin Masturbator................................................................Andrew Sitko Head Asstronomer....................................................................Adam Yoshinaga Dothraki Linguist................................................................Ethan Edward Coston

How to maximize use for your Airpods OIL ecosystem

Entropy Manager...........................................................................Daniel Clinton Principal Investigator...................................................................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members TIMELINE: Humans vs animals

Zoo Field Trip

Cat Sleep Schedule Ideal

Animal Teeth

Honeybees and WASPs

Primate Pyromaniacs

Male Scientists Taking Credit

Ska Playing Robot

Robot Phone Sex Operator GIRAFFES: government conspiracy

Self-Driving Tank

Goods: Office Supplies

Cure Cancer; Smash Puss

page number

how to read this chart

Our material this issue spans across species. Follow this chart to see who in the animal kingdom is represented in our issue, and analyze the graph to see how close to

extinction we think they are. With a newfound, general idea of where to read about certain topics and how much humans have screwed over everyone else, you can now fully enjoy the rest of the issue!

Humans Other Mammals Birds

Robots Fish

Adriana Aguilar, Katlyn Andrade, Isaac Canada, Valeria Castro, Melina Cruz, Summer Davis, Chris Doherty, Aniela Drumonde, Connor Gorry, Leo Grabowski, Tiffany Hamilton, Rowan HernandezCosme, Jan Hsiao, Daniel Kupor, Anya Lauria, Heather Lim, Miranda May, Matthew Miltimore, Keshav Mittal, Hanaa Moosavi, Natalia Nenn, Elizabeth Niculescu, Avaneesh Pentaparthy, Massimo Quintero, Robert Renfro, Isabelle Rupani, Luis Alex Sanchez, Pilan Scruggs, Ronak Shah, Rhys Shriver, Vanessa Tian, Quoc Tran, Sarah Wernher, Jay Wilson, Kate Zegans, Ricky Zhao

Booster Club Welcome to special issue! It’s the most science-y time of the year, so we want to give a special thank you to our most recent sponsors (of the food variety). First, thank you to Adam, Andrew, Calvin, Dexter, Isaac, Jack, Miranda, and Stephen for donating their monopoly money. It’s incredible how much money y’all have to waste, especially this late in the year, and we always appreciate you throwing it at us. Thank you to Jay for the Einstein’s coffee, and thank you to Jessica for the random bag of avocados (even though none were actually consumed). Also, an extra special thank you to Justin (as a proxy of the Muir spring leadership retreat) for donating even more coffee and the delicious May 4th cake. Making science is difficult, but it’s a little easier with copious amounts of snacks.

insects

TOP Ten

Ways Science Ruined Sports

We are satirists, hear us roar!

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Another production come and gone, and another production that I am grateful for the friends I have who work so hard to create this publication for YOU. Yes YOU! This production was especially difficult, considering that we threw normal format out the window to adopt a different publication’s style. Also we went through 4 printers this production, but don’t get me started on that one. I have many people to thank, but I would like to give a gold star to Graphics, Design, and my soul-sister Georgia who went above and beyond to make sure this issue was an EXTRA special issue. But, as always, Content, Copy, and Soc/Pub blew me away with their creativity and effort. This is the point in the year where I should start crying in preparation for this year to end (being that we only have one more production left!). However, I am anything but sad. Of course I will miss the graduating seniors, but I am excited to see what my friends can do in the future, and how they adapt to new and exciting situations that come their way! ‘Till next time, and remember me fondly. XOXO, Sage

May 8, 2019 • theMQ.org

10. Now that you know the exact size of a football field, it’s kind of lost its magic as a unit of measurement 9. In order to get statistically significant results, baseball players have to play 90 innings 8. Global warming means that eventually the only sport left will be water polo 7. It stopped being fun when a zoologist gave you a literal pigskin to play football with 6. Scientists invented concussions 5. Drug testing 4. You can never figure out how much acidball to balance out your baseball 3. They made you use the metric system, so now you have to play 0.3 meterball 2. They forced you to wear that stupid helmet 1. Someone came up with an unethical psychological experiment called golf

Editor’s Letter Conscience clean

Thanks for looking up from your smartphone and at something without a screen! The new generation of humans have become slaves to their phones, spending all of their time watching videos of strangers cutting soap rather than exploring the bounties of nature. While kids today are busy tweeting and masturbating with fruit, the editors and contributors of this publication have decided to break the mold and learn a thing or two from our animal brethren. A few weekends ago our writers set down their laptops and picked up their utility knives to follow in the paths of beavers, buffalo, and other beautiful wildlife you can find on the San Diego coastline. We attempted to climb trees with the squirrels, swim with the carp, and scavenge with the vultures. On this journey our contributors discovered the majesty and the brilliance of nature’s creatures. We also sprained a few bones falling out of trees, had our blood sucked by leeches, and

ended up eating twigs when we couldn’t find any rabbits, birds, or berries to snack on. Nevertheless, we ventured into a world unknown to many, and left nothing but footprints and maybe a pair of glasses (if someone finds them, please email me directly!) As our writers sat back down to create this latest issue, we couldn’t help but remember the abundant wildlife we saw on our adventure. We also couldn’t help but think about how many of these animals are losing their homes to deforestation, losing their lives to criminal hunting practices, and probably getting sick from measles. This issue, we explore the animals that live under us, above us, and around us on this crazy planet we call “Earth.” We also talk about sex robots, but that’s a whole other thing. All things considered, I believe you, the reader, will enjoy the roadmap we have laid out to explore the greatness of the animal kingdom.

illustration by jack yang

Shortcuts

PHOTO By hannah Lykins

this experimental self-driving tank will change the way we commute to work

By Adam Yoshinaga head asstronomer Traditional automobile makers create their cars in this predictable shape: four wheels attached to a body. Of course, there’s more to it than that — there’s an engine and exterior accessories — but that’s the general idea. The car can be customized with a cool flame paint job that makes it go faster or a camo paint job to make it invisible. But limiting yourself to these modifications constrains the possibilities. Instead, you can replace the wheels with rubber tracks, add a large-caliber, high-velocity gun, and make your car invisible. Researchers from General Dynamics, MIT, and other institutions are working on a prototype tank that fits that description. This tank, how-

ever, is set apart from other tanks because it’s designed with the intention of making the road a safer space. The tank, called the Traf-X-Term, or TXT, intends to do so by using artificial intelligence to better monitor traffic, coming equipped with an aggressive traffic management system. “Think of it like a police officer that can dish out severe punishment for anyone that would potentially create a traffic jam because of their idiotic driving,” says Elizabeth M. Valenzuela, a student intern at General Dynamics. “Just imagine the possibilities. Someone cuts you off? They’ll get blasted. Someone driving 65 in the fast lane? Blasted.” The result is that the tank looks different from other tanks and is also made out of different materials. Most tanks are

made out of steel, whereas the TXT is made out of recycled aluminum and coated in a thick layer of steel, making it more of a “squishy” vehicle. Because of this, it won’t cause an accident if someone were to run into it, which helps given the invisible nature of camo paint. On the other hand, the TXT’s thick layer of steel allows for it to plow through a traffic jam, and, when necessary, to clear the path for commuters who need to get to work on time. “This type of vehicle is just so revolutionary. Who would have thought that the threat of violence would make people better drivers? And not just that, but the fact that it operates on its own? There’s almost no need for local highway patrols now,” says Catherine Deighlore, Chief Project Manager of the TXT.

this almond farmer uses less water so he can take long showers PHOTO By STEPHEN LIGHTFOOT

Get Out More

By Dan Kaliblotzky the science guy When it comes to almond farming, water is the main event. From the groundwater to the plumbing, water runs deep in the lifestyle of the Brightson Fields owners. Any reporter coming to Lenny Paramount’s 15,000 acres of almond farmland are there because of his water habits. “I can’t go a day without water,” Paramount says during our tour of his premises. “I start every day with a glass of crystal-clear H2O, and I can’t wake up or go to sleep without the sweet caress of 120 gallons of water from my shower head.” Paramount cites his showering process as an essential right that he holds most dear. “I spent $10,000 renovating my shower last year. It’s my safe space. I feel like a young almond tree, soaking up water to slowly nourish my precious, lucrative body.” Paramount has recently found a new water practice that has revolutionized his farming and his company’s public image. Through a process he calls “hydrationomics,” he pays an elite team of biologists to conjure up half of the water he needs for farming using innovative scientific methods. “It all started when some guys from this water news site called ‘Thirsty for Justice’ came up to me to talk about water in 2014. They said a bunch of stuff about sustainability and droughts and I was extremely alarmed. They told me people are trying to shower less because of the drought. Did you know some people tried to only take 10 minute

showers back in 2014? I was horrified, and I knew I had to use all the resources in my disposal so that people wouldn’t have to restrict their morning and nighttime shower hours.” Paramount cites a discussion post on Facebook as evidence of how his water use affects the world. “I’ve heard people say I have a big role in all this environmentalpolitical stuff because I’m an almond farmer. It’s true — it’s made me pretty wealthy, and I think I do have some responsibility to share my privilege with the world. I’m just glad I finally understand the problem, and I can bring more water to the world so the poor people who keep trying to lobby against water use can understand business better.” Brightson Fields owns over 20,000 acres of land in total. Wandering through their almond, pistachio, and walnut farms lets you experience what California is all about. One could say it’s like taking a good, long shower. It’s the experience of getting your best thinking done in the calm, spacious field of the peaceful human spirit. You cradle a single nut in your hands and you know the love, care, and full gallon of water that went into its creation. Even if you don’t really like almonds, look at this industry! Look at the life these acres create and sustain. “It’s inspiring, and I don’t see why anyone should touch it. It’s not like it affects anyone negatively. Just let us do our thing and then you get a milk substitute at coffee shops for only 50 cents extra! No lactose, but a whole lot of sophistication,” remarks Paramount.

The researchers created two prototypes. One of them has added sensors that detects road rage in other drivers, allowing them to blast potential drivers who may make the road unsafe. The other carries a backwardfacing railgun, ready to fire in the event that anyone drives unsafely by tailgating. “As much as I want to say that we’re going to replace your everyday highway patrol agents, these vehicles still cost millions of dollars,” Deighlore adds. “We are, however, fully approved by the United States government. This is why, starting this coming Thursday, I am proud to announce a nationwide increase in tax from 7.75 percent to 18 percent in order to fund these new vehicles and the reconstruction of any roads that they drive on.”

theMQ.org • May 8, 2019

men are taking credit for women’s work, and now we know why thought theft

PHOTO By sage cristal

urban engineer transforms water tower into self-sufficient home, is better than you in every way

By Jack Yang nematode rancher Cameron Mayfield has been living off the grid for a year now. However, rather than living in some secluded lodge in the woods or agrarian collective, he’s made his home inside of an abandoned water tower. This conspiracy theorist’s paradise is located a little ways into the suburbs and a hundred feet in the air. The inner chamber sports a series of catwalks that connect platforms dedicated for “sleeping,” “cooking,” and “leisure,” as per crude carvings on the metal walls. “I’ve been up here for a year now, and life’s never been better!” boasts Mayfield. “It all

started last December when I climbed up here to do the standard inspection on behalf of the City Water Authority. That’s when the ladder from the upper tank broke and I fell into the water, alongside my toolbag. I’m something of a survivalist myself, but being stranded in a metal tower was pretty daunting.” We asked Mayfield what strategies he had developed to get by in the last few months. “Thankfully, I was able to pull apart the individual threads on my bag and tie them into a rope. Without that, I wouldn’t have been able to climb up these metal supports. Furthermore, I’ve been able to turn the mold growing around the rim of the tank into a sort of biomass, too, which I can

eat alongside the occasional rat. Water filtering is handled up here on the roof where evaporated water from below condenses and drips back into a pipe I’ve chewed into shape. Trivial stuff, really. “I’m sure most people trapped in a tower would say something like, ‘Please save me! I’ve worn the same wet clothes for months and cry myself to sleep thinking about how my family never bothered to find where I was!’ But me? I’m a survivor! Going off the grid was the best decision I never made. This mold? It’s probably boosting my immune system. The calluses on my body are hard enough now to stop bullets. I do wish Mom would come visit now and then, though — to see

how much more sustainable my home is, of course.” His mother, however, shows a little less enthusiasm. “Oh for Christ’s sake,” says Mrs. Mayfield, Cameron’s mother. “Our little Cammy was always afraid of heights. Is he doing all this because I told him ‘going viral on YouTube’ wasn’t a real job? I was happy for him when he got a job with the city, but then he had to go and pull a stunt like this. Well, I’m in no rush to send help after the boy. At least this way he might build some character.” The next step for Mayfield is to convince the City Water Authority to let him buy the water tower, which he has “diligently inspected” during his entire residency there.

Trunk junk

zoologists confirmed that the elephant is the animal kingdom’s biggest bitch: here’s their research

move over, ostrich. after numerous field studies and careful dna

analysis, researchers from the University of Wisconsin, Madison have once and for all determined that the elephant is by far the biggest bitch of all Earth’s animals. While the researchers admit that there may be a “not-yet-discovered” species of animal that is even more of a bitch than the elephant, the evidence is pretty conclusive. Here’s a taste of the researchers’ conclusions:

TUSKS

This one may seem kind of badass on the surface, but once you start to look closely, things fall apart worse than the floor underneath these 12,000-pound freaks-of-nature. While the elephants’ tusks can help fend off predators, they’re absolutely useless if something attacks from behind. Unlike SOME badass animals, like the porcupine or the pufferfish, the elephant only has two instruments with which to stab. It may be better than a narwhal, but even the narwhal wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with this big ol’ bitch.

EARS

They may help with hearing, but just look at the size of them! No self-respecting animal would let their ears get THAT big. Elephants don’t even use the extra real estate for unique piercings. Prime bitch material. They can’t even fly with them unless someone builds them a plane. What’s the damn point?

TAIL

3 4

This thing has no use besides flinging feces all over the place and offering predators something to hold on to. Even worse, it doesn’t offer the poop flinging precision of a monkey. Out of all the elephant’s body parts, this one is potentially the most useless of them all.

TRUNK

The elephant uses the trunk as a sort of trumpet to vocalize. Vocalization sounds pretty cool, but have you ever actually heard an elephant? It’s absolutely awful. If you were to play an elephant sound in a crowded room, everyone would cringe. With those big bitch ears, the elephant has to hear its awful self all the damn time. Ever wonder why nobody wants to address “the elephant in the room”? Take a listen to an elephant and figure that one out for yourself. Text and infographic By stephen lightfoot

May 8, 2019 • theMQ.org

PHOTO By jack yang

“In Nature”

By Hannah Lykins penguin measurer Following a recent study, scientists claim to have discovered the reason why men always seem to take credit for women’s work: “‘Cause we can, duh.” “It’s really not surprising, but men take credit for women’s work because it’s almost too simple,” says Matthew Franken, head of the research team that conducted the study. “We already know that men tend to be more assertive gogetters than women. Usually, when women do something cool, they just aren’t quick enough to claim it. And seriously, no one ever seems to call it out, so nothing’s stopping researchers from doing whatever they want. I mean, when you get down to the science of it, women are just kinda dumb.” Historically, many scientific inventions and discoveries have been made by women, but they have ultimately been accredited to men. Traditionally, this has been due to male superiors acting as though they own the ideas of their subordinates, or through scientists simply stealing each other’s work and not crediting them. However, these new studies suggest that female scientists are to blame for their work being stolen, due to a “lack of initiative, assertion, and speed to file a copyright.” “Look, I’m not trying to be offensive here, but science never lies,” continues Franken. “If you discover something and you don’t immediately pub-

lish it, then who can really say it’s wrong for someone like me to publish it under my name instead? I, for one, can’t tell you how many times I’ve been struggling in my research when an unclaimed idea has basically fallen into my lap. I don’t think I’d even be doing this work had it not been for all the amazing opportunities I’ve been ‘building on’ — thanks, ladies!” Since its publication, the study is gaining a cult-like following, mostly from men, as a result of its “tell it like it is” results. However, due to its controversial findings, the study and its proponents garner their fair share of harsh critiques. “I, for one, support this ‘survival of the fittest’ mentality when it comes to credit,” says Caleb Hess, a researcher at NIH. “I mean, if you didn’t want me publishing ‘your work,’ I guess you should’ve patented it before it rightfully became my work. It’s really not my fault I’m smarter and faster than you.” “You get why that doesn’t make sense, right?” adds Sarah Calloway, another researcher at NIH and head of the institution’s Ethical Science Committee. “Stealing our ideas doesn’t make you smart; if you were really smart, you would’ve come up with your own. This just makes you an asshole ... Wait, are you stealing my ideas, Caleb?” The Hess findings on unfair hiring practices against female professors is to be released within the month.

Evolution

the future of the unicycle: adding a wheel

Buzz off

how to tell the difference between a honeybee and a wasp a lot of people have an irrational fear of bees, and some of it can

be due to other creepy crawlies that may look like them. If you are someone who gets scared because you don’t know if the creature in front of you is going to hurt you or just your financial stability, then this guide is for you.

PHOTO By Jessica Ma

Honeybees: Class - Insecta

By Robert Renfro staff writer Since the dawn of time, and according to some as early as 2007, one question has dazzled, bewildered, and possibly even bedazzled humankind. What is the nature of reality and how can I get through it on a unicycle? Previous implementations of the UNI-CYCLE technology (the name is a combination of the ancient Greek words for “university” and “washing machine,” respectively) were, although elegant and thrilling, largely ignored in favor of more intuitive forms of personal transportation such as the hot air balloon, the pogo stick, and Amazon

Prime for Humans. However, entrepreneur Tad Snead has other ideas. Snead is not what you think of as a typical Silicon Valley CEO, and he will be the first to tell you. “Yeah, it’s pretty unusual,” he says, “There’s really not anyone else like me around here. You see, crazy story actually, I made a website and dropped out of Harvard, got sued by some twins who think I stole their idea, met Justin Timberlake who told me to change the name of the website, and in my arrogance and greed, I lost my closest friend, Andrew Garfield. “So it’s safe to say I have a pretty unique story, but now I want to really make a

difference by finally fixing the unicycle. You see, two-wheeled unicycles have been around for years, but the technology was prohibitively expensive and confusing to the average person. But now, we’re on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, you can fit more two-wheeled unicycles in your pocket than were used during the Apollo missions. It’s amazing how technology progresses. “Think about history and how many important people have used the unicycle: Joan of Arc, Albert Einstein, Kobe. What I want to do is allow anyone to feel the power of the unicycle, and that’s what I set out to do with my new design.” Snead unveiled his new unicycle, which he calls

“Unicycle: Wheeloaded” at a recent press conference. As the cover came off the new two-wheeled unicycle, a thunderstorm of flashbulbs erupted, the background chatter swelled to a wail of excited shrieks, flowers bloomed spontaneously, and I gained the ability to see in five dimensions. Snead looked into the distance and said, “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” And let me tell you, with this new unicycle, the future looks pretty bright. It is expected to be released anytime between Fall 2019 and Christmas of some other year, for a price generated randomly upon purchase.

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Honeybees are useful because they pollinate plants and only care about making honey.

Honeybees are essential to the environment; they only hurt you if you hurt them.

Honeybees are not something to be afraid of.

Honeybees make great friends and can support a massive community.

Honeybees have six legs, so they give amazing hugs.

Honeybees defy gravity by being able to fly. How cool is that?!

Li t e r a l l y d y i n g

PHOTO By Jack yang

a year of comebacks: first the jonas brothers, then hannah montana, next polio

By Matthew Miltimore staff writer 2019 has seen both a reunion of The Jonas Brothers, with the release of their singles “Sucker” and “Cool,” and a tease regarding a potential reboot of beloved Disney Channel series “Hannah Montana.” Sure, these are great, but what’s the point of reviving something that died this decade? It’s time to bring back something that the United States stamped out over 40 years ago. That’s right, in 2019, we’re bringing back polio. Now, people might hear “polio” and think of the devastating infection (which can lead to paralysis and respiratory failure) that affects hundreds of thousands of individuals today in areas that do not have access to vaccines. These same people might label me as

an “anti-vaxxer” and implore as to why I would want to bring such a debilitating and preventable disease back. I would remind these individuals that I’m not against vaccines, I’m just pro-polio. Besides, polio is just so vintage, and vintage tech is so in right now. Following in the legacy of vinyl record players and old-fashioned coffee percolators, polio is the next piece of the past to be revamped. I understand why people may feel hesitant to embrace this piece of history, yet I ask these individuals to consider the children. Yes, our precious youth deserve all the opportunities in the world; why should we deprive them of the opportunity to contract polio? Also, we shouldn’t forget how popular polio was in its heyday. I mean, all the cool kids had it. In fact, in-

fants and young children were at the greatest risk of contracting the infection. But polio was never just for the kids, the adults certainly got a healthy serving of the ol’ poliomyelitis soup. And what a great time it was when the polio incidence rate was high in the United States. Oh, I wish I could go back. I can’t imagine anything bad happening in the 1940s. I now turn to the wise words of President John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what [polio] can do for your country.” See, polio is spread through fecal-oral contact, meaning transmission occurs mostly from poor hygiene and contaminated food. Moreover, I believe that the American people, in this divisive political climate, could really benefit

from that type of encounter. What a better way to settle our differences than over a few icecold glasses of polio-ridden drinking water. Polio can bring our nation together. I understand the hubbub, pitter-patter, and general excitement over the sudden comeback of figures from early 2010s Disney Channel. I’ll give it to them; the Jonas Brothers are full of raw, unadulterated talent and Hannah Montana embodies everything great about the golden age of television. However, polio has something that neither the Jonas Brothers nor Hannah Montana could ever have and that’s RNA held in a viral capsid protected by an inner-shell and glycoproteincovered membrane.

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WASP: Class - Upper WASPs are not useful because they underpay workers and only care about making money.

WASPs are destroying the environment and hurting the lower class. WASPs should be feared. WASPs make terrible friends and are destroying the economy.

WASPs only have two arms and only give awkward side hugs. WASPs rely on their fancy private jets for flight and won’t fly economy like the rest of us.

the evidence is all here folks. we’ve got to step up and save the

bees, not the WASPs. They have enough political power to save themselves already. Bees might be scary, but nothing else holds up the same as corporate greed and privilege.

by jay noonan / illustrated By jack yang

theMQ.org • May 8, 2019 5

human interference in the animal kingdom

ince the dawn of time, humans have taken advantage of other animals. Today, we continue to discover new ways to profi off of suffering ecosystems.

Slick transition

this ecosystem has begun to adapt to oil spills adaptations

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2 4

Sea otters now have lot of fun playing “s n’ slide”

Fish now give great massages

Dolphins have a ton acne now human reactions

4 5 6

Fish are now $10,00 barrel

Oil wrestling has be replaced with oil wa polo There’s now an emerging market fo fish oil masks

written and photograp

A beak future

five ways the nuclear apocalypse will change puffin life forever we

all

know

that

the

world

falls into another world war, nuclear weapons will be used and the end of the world will ensue. From contaminated oceans to nuclear winter, life will be very hard on humanity, leaving survivors only two possible paths: extinction or adaptation. However, this is overplayed and really bores the shit out of us, so here are five things that will change for puffins after the nuclear apocalypse.

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Puffins will grow nine feet taller and will have the ability to hunt humans.

Four special puffins will be given musical talent and start a band called “The Fishycubes,” and the lead singer, Pjörk, will have a beautiful screaming-voice. The puffin’s habitat will artificially grow as the new mega-puffins carry the dead Icelanders and tether them together to build a large raft to traverse the irradiated ocean. Puffins will develop a common language, establish trade, and then create a database of all puffin relatives in order to stop the Icelandic Puffin Incest Crisis.

Puffins Cereal will still be made, but it will no longer use puffin beaks and flippers to create its squares. They will be replaced by the new radiated pigeon talons or Bird People themselves.

by andrew sitko / illustration by jack yang

6 theMQ.org • May 8, 2019

s r e it

ea slip

Truth exposed

Overview

a history of humans screwing over the animal kingdom 7000 BCE

giraffes: a government conspiracy few people know that giraffes

were created as a “better horse” by the government to justify enslaving actual horses. Most people think they’re real animals, but here’s what they’re actually made of.

First man sucked cow boob

1100 CE Enslaved baboons, made improv team

n of

00 a

1662 Made a pug so cute it literally couldn’t breathe

een ater

1886 Forced groundhogs to start telling time

phed by bp

1936 Created anthropomorphized geckos to sell car insurance

1972 Shortage of bowling balls led to armadillo exploitation

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Satellite dishes for detecting drugs and monitoring foreign airspace Tongue is blue because the artist didn’t have time to render it pink Horns for controlling movement Small magnets are connected to each other to bend the neck in any direction Crank to adjust the neck length for your government espionage needs by edward snowden

/ illustration by jack yang

1986 Established the forprofit farm upstate industry 1997 Made Airbud a child star, forced into life of drugs, sex, and sin written and illustrated by lucy

theMQ.org • May 8, 2019

Humanity’s kryptonite

H e r e ’ s a m o u t hf u l

an interview with creator of the world’s most dangerous superbug

animals that have better teeth than me

PHOTO By Ethan Coston

the animal kingdom is full of natural wonders, but the natural wonder that makes the least amount of sense is how fish and birds — and even snakes — have better teeth than me. That’s right: snakes! Sure, I don’t visit the dentist. Maybe I’ve never had braces. So what if I can’t remember the last time I flossed? I’m enraged that these lowly species — these animals that we humans EAT — have teeth that make my mouth look like a corn cob that’s been chewed down to nine or so yellow, deflated kernels. Here are the following animals whose perfect pearly whites really piss me off:

By Jack Yang nematode rancher Dr. Francine Ye has come forward with a newly discovered superbug, drawing the concern of the international science community. What surprises scientists, however, isn’t the superbug’s resistance to antibiotics or transmission potential, but the fact that it isn’t a bacterium at all. The organism Dr. Ye had researched and published about in international scientific journals was recently found to be colonies of abnormally large bees. This new species of bug, an offshoot of “Wallace’s giant bee” dubbed “Francine’s giant bee,” is bred in a makeshift lab off the coast of Oxnard, California. Reporters are flocking to the Channel Islands to get

to the bottom of this “dangerous” bug, and they are meeting with Ye at her research station — the likes of which they had never seen. “Welcome, let me show you around!” says Dr. Ye, upon agreeing to give a tour of the lab. “We’ve raised these bees in specialized outdoor hives, which have sensors that record changes in temperature and total hive weight. Our team here observed recordbreaking sizes of bees in the last few weeks, which we believe is the product of feeding the bees a protein powder solution through imitation flowers. Initially, there were many attempts to create a larger bee via irradiation, as shown by our radiation chamber here. Almost all of these attempts failed, leading only to one of

our researchers becoming a sort of bee-man hybrid. “Keep up the good work, Thomas!” she says, and briefly waves toward the fuzzy silhouette of a man before turning the corner and whispering, “I’m worried about him.” “Now, sure this bug is big, but what makes this bug dangerous?” she continues. “Here we have the insect MMA studio, where a generation of female worker bees is getting certified. It’s a rigorous process that they put themselves through, but the results are evident: these bees have clearly established their dominance over nearby sources of nectar and pollen. Camera footage shows female bees subduing wasps with a flurry of knee-strikes. Additionally, some enterpris-

ing bees have been equipping themselves with the mandibles and stingers of fallen wasps, using them as swords to continue the fight. Our team here is currently in the process of training the bees to hold bigger swords, hopefully to the point where they’d be holding regular, human-sized swords.” The International Institute for Species Exploration has verified the existence of this bee as a new species almost immediately, under pressure from CALPIRG. Ye herself has begun a series of talks around California, petitioning to have Francine’s giant bee represent the United States in the 2020 Olympic Games.

Big Armadillo Do you know how many teeth these giant rat bastards have? A hundred. Do you know how many teeth I have? 15 ... 20 if you count the half-teeth. You would think that an armadillo has no need for teeth, since it can just use its outer crust to mash its food before it eats it. Do you know how I mash my food? With my fists — since my teeth aren’t as strong as my fists.

Elephant This one pisses me off the most. Elephants may only have two teeth, but they are expensive teeth. One elephant tooth can sell on the black market for $1,500. Do you have any idea how much my teeth are worth? The most I’ve gotten for a tooth was 75 cents, and that was a golden one I inherited from my grandfather! The point is, I should have the pretty, plentiful, and expensive teeth. Not these animals.

Foodies

scientists say eating your neighbors could solve global warming

PHOTO By Hannah Lykins

Snail

By Quoc Tran staff writer Countless studies in recent decades have pointed to climate change as a very real threat with possibly disastrous effects. Scientists have urged for large scale changes, like switching to renewable energy resources, ending deforestation, and banning single-use plastics. They encourage individual lifestyle alterations, like taking public transport, recycling, and eating less meat. But that’s pretty hard to do. What if instead of going vegetarian, you could go cannibalistic? A recent study published in the American Journal for Simple Solutions to Climate Change shows that if a majority of the world’s population ate just one human being a

year, we would reduce our carbon footprint by over 84 percent. The extensive study surveys nearly five families from around the world (Alabama to Wyoming) about their daily habits, and it tracks figures such as what food they were buying, how much they were driving, how many times they left that bathroom light on all night, and how much trash they were producing. Plugging their data into their computer models, the researchers were able to quantify the global effects of half of this group eating the other, essentially simulating cannibalism in the world population. Their simulations find that for each family eaten, the positive effects on the environment are drastic. The 80,000+ calories in a human

MAY 8, 2019 • THEMQ.ORG

body (and nearly double that for the average American) provides the equivalent of 70 pounds of ground beef. This cuts out the 880 kilograms (10 percent of the carbon footprint of an average American) of carbon dioxide emissions needed to grow, process, package, and transport that much meat from farm to table. That’s the same as driving a single car for over 2,000 miles or buying just over three gallons of almond milk! The benefits of cannibalism extend far beyond just allowing us to reduce our consumption of meat. The authors of the study highlight the downstream effects on our environment that a dead human would have. Dead humans consume even less animal product than the

most stringent of vegans. They don’t drive and always let it mellow if it’s yellow. They’re content with living underground in all natural, self-regulating homes. The study claims that, when dead, an average American can reduce their greenhouse gas emissions by around 100 percent. Dead bodies live carbon-neutral. Lead author of the paper, Dr. James Chen of the University of Chicago, comments on the additional health benefits of cannibalism, “You’ll get all the calories and macros you need from cannibalism. The human body has all of the vitamins and nutrients that the human body needs. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works, right?”

What kind of evolutionary process had to take place to give a snail better teeth than me? I’m a human being. I need teeth to chew meat, make love, and intimidate other humans. Snails don’t do anything but crawl around and chew through my begonias. I’m sure they could still eat my begonias without teeth — which, by the way, look like they just hopped out of Zac Efron’s mouth. I need those Efron teeth. Not them. ME. written and illustrated by sage cristal

meat lovers

Booty call

researchers are teaching a robot how to be a phone sex operator

PHOTO By JACK Yang

why veganism will die before 2050

PHOTO By jack yang

By Pilan Scruggs staff writer

By Adam Yoshinaga head asstronomer You’ve probably heard of phone sex operators: you ring up a number, they do some dirty talking, and then they bill you some outrageous amount because it took you half an hour. Turns out, lasting a long time isn’t exactly ideal when they charge per minute. Phone sex preferences differ from person to person, making it a challenge for artificial intelligence — despite excelling in predicting human behavior. As difficult as it seems to predict these behaviors, the Machine Learning Group (MLG) at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have been working on a bot that is able to predict human sexual desires based off a few simple questions given at the start of the

how to maximize use for your airpods

call. By asking questions like “Are you a top or a bottom,” “Are you into butt stuff,” and “What’s your mother’s maiden name,” these bots are able to determine the best way to please customers. In doing this, the future of phone sex operators is revolutionized. Not only are jobs being taken away from fulltime office workers and college students, but the prices of these calls are expected to drop tremendously. “The goal of this entire project,” says Tomas “Neo” Anderson, a member of MLG, “is to first put all of the current companies out of business through our low prices, and then we’ll jack them up super high to monopolize. It’s not like we have to pay our workers, they’re frickin' robots.” Anderson and his colleagues built the robot to

learn through experience. The machine relies on several complicated algorithms to predict how a customer is likely to react to situations. In preparation for their future business, MLG has launched a prototype bot that implements physical interactions as well. Students at MIT are able to use this robot free of charge and at their own discretion — video documentation is provided to MLG, for research purposes. The robot is able to adapt to the user through the process of machine learning; although the MLG students had to give it some basic information first. They told it that the goal was to make the customer stay on the phone as long as possible while still keeping them satisfied, but everything else was autonomous. “It decides which

nearly any person you see on the street these days owns those neat, little wireless headphones. utilizing the technology of tomorrow, Apple Airpods are taking the world by storm with their high-quality sound production, voice-activated Siri access, and simple one-tap controlled application. And, of course, being relieved of untangling those wires! But in reality Airpods put the “con” in “convenient.” Statistics are telling us that 1 in 60 people will lose one, if not both, of their Airpods. With a total retail value ranging between $159.00-199.00, your money goes down the drain along with that useless charging case you now own separately. But now Apple has given us a new way to combat that: attachable wires.

PLUGS

Each end is complemented with a headphone jack. Just attach the cords to the Airpods! Disclaimer: cords only work for Apple’s wireless earbuds — a unique plug so that you don’t mix up all the cables in your life!

WIRE

2 3 4 5

words provide the most sexual pleasure, which words can make the customer imagine the most intense fantasy, and how to get a customer to keep calling back,” says MLG advisor Melon Eusk. “It also gives each phone number a unique ID called a 'Caller Identification Number,' or 'Caller IN' for short. In doing this, it can help track specific peoples’ desires to make their returning visits as pleasing as possible.” But don’t worry about this robot making your sex life nonexistent. Eusk says that the contraption is meant to be a supplement to sex, not a replacement. “While our current technology has the capability to do better than you in bed, our goal isn’t to make your partner leave you for a robot — at least not yet.”

The most important part! Using the advanced physical mechanics of solidstate matter cohesion, your Airpods are compressibly paired to your phone so that you don’t lose them if they fall out.

2 3

BUTTONS

Easy, accessible use. If you’re too lazy to reach your hand up to the Airpod and tap it, you can now use the button conveniently placed on the upper-middle torso.

It seems like vegans are everywhere nowadays. Your (perhaps former) best friend, your neighbors, and even your younger brother are all trying to convince you that you must forgo your meat-eating habit. That hamburger you ate for lunch is worse than your twice-a-day showers. It’s criminal to consider bacon and eggs for breakfast, and even a spoonful of honey in tea is unacceptable. No matter what else you do to minimize your carbon footprint, it just never seems to be enough. The vegan movement’s increasing momentum may leave you thinking that it's the ultimate solution to climate change, but data seem to suggest the contrary. It is nothing more than a passing phase. Two or three generations from now, the idea of veganism will be inconceivable. Although the lifestyle undeniably reduces an individual’s carbon footprint, urging all nearly 7.7 billion people to adjust their habits would be absolutely devastating to social order. This is a concern especially in the States where people live and die by Ronald McDonald and in England where fish and chips are inseparable from local culture. Also, face it: meat simply tastes way better than vegan imitations, and that’s the only thing at stake here. Eleven percent of the global population is malnourished and 10 percent face severe food insecurity, but the vast majority of these individuals reside in developing countries and abstain from meat by necessity. At the same time, 72 percent of American adults are overweight and 40 percent are obese, yet plenty of them consume meat at every meal. Clearly, the obvious solution is for America to export meat to protien-lacking countries until their meat industries become strong enough to sustain this optimal meat-centric diet. An excellent source of vitamins B12 and D, calcium, iron, zinc, and protein, animal meat

is exceptionally nutritious. Don’t believe the mainstream media; there’s absolutely no way vegans can also obtain all of the above. With so much of the global population already suffering, the last thing these affected people need is restricted access to these bodily essentials. It is basic logic that those with excess should be supplying meat to those in need, rather than bothering with designing vegan and environmentally-friendly supplements. If a simple solution exists, take it. Besides, it's easy to focus on a single, already stable industry like the meat industry. Introducing new supplements would just needlessly complicate things and create economic competition in the food industry. Healing the planet begins with healing its people. A planet of weak people cannot do much for the environment, so first we must decrease global death rates due to malnutrition. Sure, there are already too many people on this planet with exponential population growth being another nascent problem, but that’s a challenge for the next generation to solve. Perhaps it’ll solve itself with the lengths today’s young generation behaves for momentary Internet fame. The bottom line is that so much stands to be gained from increasing global meat consumption. It already contributes significantly to the global economy, and increasing output would furnish even greater prosperity. Furthermore, cows unfairly receive hate for their methane emissions even though there are other sources of this greenhouse gas, such as rice paddies. Nobody knows this because there aren’t any good rice farting jokes. But since meat is far more nutritious than rice, it’s clear which should go and which should stay. Once the evidence becomes too overwhelming to contradict, the vegan trend will vanish into nonexistence. Perhaps by then it will have been replaced by the other, more ideal, extreme: the allmeat diet.

THE COOL RUBBER PIECE THAT CONNECTS THE WIRES TOGETHER Nice.

NEW FEATURE

Add on two more cords while you’re at it! If you and another Airpod-wearing-friend want to listen to the same thing, now they can hook their Airpods to your set as well.

written and illustrated by samantha cane

THEMQ.ORG • MAY 8, 2019

TALES X FIELD FROM

THE

Going bananas

i trained monkeys to be pyromaniacs; airport security was hell Brett Davis, Arts and Crafts Major; University of Phoenix If you had told me nine months ago that I would be in the Tanzanian plains training monkeys on the art of wielding fire, I would have called you insane. Yet, there I was in the fields, experimenting with the limits of monkey-fire interactions and elevating our understanding of raw art and the exquisiteness of the uncontrollable. Packing up for home, I decided I couldn’t leave those little beauties behind to go into some zoo — they were family. So I put them all in their cages and brought them home with me.

Everything was fine until we reached the security checkpoint and the guards asked me to remove my countless training molotov cocktails, three-ounce cans of kerosene, and my flare gun. My little angels were riling up in response to the hostile guards, and once I was forced to lay these “dangerous” items on the table, all hell broke loose. There is a certain beauty and elegance of total chaos. Was I not in the blast range of multiple flammable devices, I would have probably considered it my greatest work of art. My capuchin Napalm, a real sweetheart, grabbed hold of the flare gun and fired it into the wall of uniforms,

reloading the flares with unparalleled efficiency. My twin pygmy marmosets, Crash and Burn, used this distraction to display their favorite routine — The Floor Is Lava — by throwing bottles of 180-proof alcohol onto the floor. Enamored by their performance, I was caught in a daze until I found myself engulfed by the flames of my little artists. At this point, I found security brutally retaliating against my harmless babies with their fists. I now realize my mistake of trusting airport security with my peaceful babies, and I am preparing to sue the Julius Nyerere International Airport for animal abuse and property damage. My

poor mandrill, Flare, was kicked in the nuts when he tried to smash two molotovs into a group of security officers. Even my proboscis monkey, Schnozz, who wasn’t doing anything, got punched in the nose. I do understand why Schnozz would be considered a threat; that dangling nose would make anyone look suspicious. I’m just so shocked that airports are still allowed to prevent average folks like me from carrying flammable objects onto a plane. Hopefully, we’ll progress as a society and allow anyone with a flame-wielding primate board an aircraft without any trouble.

Reel big flaw

this robot can play any song as long as it’s ska Magen Spriggs, Roboticist R o b o t s aren’t usually known for their artistic talents. Why would they need them anyway when there’s so much else they could do? But my team of researchers is rethinking this paradigm. We’ve worked for years to develop a robot, codenamed MusicBot, that can play music. However, the project has run into trouble; the robot will only play a musiclike sound that we have dubbed “ska” — an onomatopoeia that represents the sound of someone changing the dial on a radio. You see, this project has been going on since the nineties, and nobody ever clicked “yes” when the update prompt showed up. So now the robot is stuck like that. It’s gotten really bad. It used to just play the music, but now it’s formed hipster opinions on ska. It now dismisses “Zoot Suit Riot” as “too commercial” and “not within the spirit of ska.” Despite its controversial

opinions, MusicBot’s ska skills are unparalleled. From my test run, I confirmed that MusicBot can play any and all songs by “No Doubt,” “Sublime,” “Reel Big Fish,” and “The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.” By the end of the performance, I had grown a soul patch and wore sunglasses indoors. Some of the researchers have suggested ways of getting around the ska glitch. Some say we could start with a bottom-up approach by, perhaps, tricking it into playing reggae, and then hopefully we can go from there. We’re just trying to direct it away from the ska. Others say we should use a middle-out approach and expose it to other, somewhat, ironically appreciated nineties material, such as “Cake” or “Smash Mouth.” Also, “Harvey Danger” is a considerable idea. Then, we could desensitize it to other music. However, we need to be careful with this stuff because it’s very volatile. It caught fire after being exposed to a “Weird Al” parody playing two blocks away.

Smashing success

how i cured cancer and smashed puss at the same time Chad Moore, World Famous Physician and Motivational Speaker Ever since I cured cancer, I’ve received many heartwarming letters of thanks and commendation. It makes me happy that my discovery has impacted the lives of so many people. But I’ve also gotten other letters, most of which ask the same thing: “Just how did I cure cancer while maintaining such an active sex life?” While I didn’t expect to be doing the scientific community another solid so soon, it is my hope that by

spreading my sex escapades — or sex-capades, if you will — we can continue making discoveries and breakthroughs. Despite my current status as a renowned scientist, I wasn’t always so good at keeping up with my studies. You see, back when I was an undergraduate, I was a sex machine. I would often skip lecture to get it on, and supplementing the lectures with readings was only doing so much. When my grades really started to slip, I remember having a talk with my counselor where he told me that I’d have to get my grades up

MAY 8, 2019 • THEMQ.ORG

or I would risk becoming academically disqualified. I was distraught, so I naturally went to my girlfriend to relieve my stress. After I had calmed down, she uttered a sentence which I’ll never forget: “If only you applied yourself to your studies like you apply yourself to fucking, you’d be unstoppable.” And that’s when I came up with a brilliant idea: the study bang — or stang, if you will. The effects were immediate, and my grades did a complete 180. I owe my degree and current success to the stang technique I invented during my undergrad.

Especially when on the verge of a scientific breakthrough, or when focusing on a hard concept, you may feel drained and out of energy. It is exactly in these moments of extreme hardship, usually around seven or eight, that the best learning and research is done. I’ve often heard from students that certain classes or topics are “screwing them,” but with my technique, you’ll finally be able to screw the concept right back.

Illustrations By Jack Yang

Hanging around

Cat nap

i went on a field trip to the zoo and it was fun but mr. brown made us fill out worksheets

sleep study confirms that cat’s schedule is ideal Catherine Hayes, Tired Neurology Student

Kyle Watson, 7 Years Old Hi. Today was a fun day at school because I saw sloths, and they are my favorite animal. I don’t like Mr. Brown because he always makes us do worksheets and he made us do one about the zoo and it was stupid because I just wanted to see the sloths. They told us we were the fastest first grade class to fill out the worksheet, and I don’t know why they said that because I’m in second grade this year. Mr. Brown didn’t seem confused though so I think we did it right. Anyways, after that they let us see the sloths and they were so cute! I took a picture and I made it my home screen. He’s just hanging there and I think

he was hungry but mom only packed me almonds. I don’t think the sloth likes almonds because they’re gross. It was really exciting to see the sloths but they took us away from them and into a big room with lots of books and grown ups in uniforms with more worksheets. They asked us who wanted to be a scientist when they grew up, and I said I want to be a vet and play with sloths. They said that was cute, and I also think sloths are cute, so I think I did it right. Anyways, we walked around and copied down some of the stuff written on the walls onto papers, and I gave mine to Mr. Brown and then sat down to pick which sloth picture should be my home screen. The grown ups got a bunch

of papers with shiny gold stuff on them and told us we were Junior Zoologists for having them. I think that’s cool because all the other vets will be jealous of me when I show them I am a Junior Zoologist award and I played with sloths. Johnny is already jealous because he didn’t go to the zoo because his mom forgot to sign the permission slip because she’s stupid. I told my mom I would tell Mr. Brown that she is making me feel like a fail-

ure if she did not sign it because Whitney did that and her mom got in trouble with the teacher and so my mom signed the permission slip and I think I did that right. Mr. Brown told us that next month we are going to a water treatment plant and I think that might be cool because vets treat animals to make them feel better so I want to see who treats water. I wonder if that is where water is treated to become Capri Sun.

I wish someone would invent…

a way to keep this damn rock from falling

a dam that goes around the world

Sisyphus via Clay Pot

Stanley Buples via email

Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation states that all things with mass and energy are attracted to one another. Gravity causes the planets to orbit the sun, the moon to orbit Earth, and that boulder to fall back down every time you reach the top. Yet Newton and the laws of physics still cannot explain the cruel and maddening justice that the God of Thunder deals out to us petty mortals. While inventions certainly exist to keep

that boulder at the top of the mountain, no soul would reveal them and risk the smite of Zeus’ thunderbolt. If you didn’t want to lug that rock around, you shouldn’t have been so hubristic in the first place. Sure, pushing a boulder just to see it fall down again may be a meaningless task to have to repeat over and over again, but we all have our own metaphorical boulder and you don’t see us complaining about it.

“In all of history, a dam spanning around the entire edge of the world has never been built. Everyone knows that water falls off the edge, but because of global warming, a greater volume of water has been flowing over the edge. Recently, the rate of water loss has reached over 300,000 gallons per year; all of which fall into space, leading to droughts.” According to Stanley Buples, an unemployed man sitting outside Popular Sci-

ence’s headquarters, that might explain why his ex-wife “KAREN” and her new boyfriend “BRAD” still haven’t come back after they went on a cruise last month. She said that she’d at least text him and tell him how it was, but she hasn’t once responded to any of his texts. “As there’s no service under the earth, most people don’t know that people fall off of it every year — we have yet to find the support needed to erect such a dam on the edge.”

double-sided underwear

a paper straw that works

Silviya Borimirov via Instagram

Ashley Madeline Via Twitter

Reusable items are all the rage today, but one industry where these products haven’t taken hold yet is the undergarment industry. The vast majority of underwear produced in the world is made to be worn on only one side before being thrown into the laundry hamper. Imagine how much water and time could be saved if each pair of underwear could be comfortably worn twice. Lucky for you, this industry gap hasn’t gone unnoticed by entrepreneurs. A start-up company in Portland, Oregon called “Deuces” is working on a line of briefs and boxer Illustrations By Jack Yang

briefs sewn with comfortable, absorbent fabric on both sides of the garments, allowing consumers to flip their underwear without worrying about chafes, stains, or leaks. The company is still fine-tuning their final product, however, as focus-group tests have shown the product may be linked to health issues like bacterial infections, UTIs, and pubic lice. Nevertheless, given a few more years, double-sided underwear may become a reality as society moves towards a dirtier, lazier future dominated by excuses of “saving water.”

Today, we see lots of effort put into saving the environment and the species that really need our help. However, in today’s America, each citizen uses an average of 143 straws per day. As such, we’ve seen a sudden shift in preference for safer paper straws as opposed to the plastic ones we have been using. Not only do the paper straws kill fewer animals, but they stop you from drinking those sugary beverages when they melt in your cup — saving you some

guilt and some gut. However, researchers at University of California, Los Angeles are working to create a polyethylene (also known as plastic) coating for the inside of a paper straw, thus allowing for the durability and functionality of a plastic straw. While maintaining the appearance of a paper straw, your conscience is soothed, and it keeps you safe from any environmentalists who see you drinking your third caramel macchiato of the day.

As a human, I think it’s fair for me to say that our circadian cycle of eight hours of sleep, three meals a day, and work from nine to five is quite unsatisfactory. After 21 years of suffering like this, I had enough. There had to be some other way of life. Over the course of Winter Break, I sought to observe, imitate, and analyze the sleep schedule of dogs and cats, hoping to discover a solution to my arduous days. I first shadowed my pug, Frank. While the quality of food was certainly a drawback, the rest was nice, especially when we took a nap during the day. One major downside to Frank’s lifestyle, however, was the ridiculous amount of exercise. Every time he wanted to go for a walk, we would spend over 30 minutes outside, only to get home and play fetch for another hour. It was almost more exhausting than my desk job. Thankfully, dogs don’t

have to worry about answering phones, so I got to ignore any calls from my boss. While a dog’s schedule isn’t too bad, I felt like there was still way too much work for my liking. Now, I think cats are onto something. Following the lead of my cat, Socks, I slept all day and only got up to eat. We lounged in the sun for hours without a worry in the world. The food wasn’t too bad either, although admittedly I was a fan of fish already. Nighttime was when things got a bit more active. He would get up and patrol the neighborhood, which was much easier at night than during the hot, sunny afternoon. The rest of the time was spent on what I like to call “me time,” which included bathing, lounging on the couch, coughing up hairballs, and other forms of self-care. After the last week of the study, I finally listened to the voicemails from my boss, but I can’t seem to care that I was fired. All I know is that I plan to stick to a cat’s schedule full-time from now on.

TOP fifteen

Mysteries Still Unexplained by Science 15. Why the rent keeps getting higher when people keep getting poorer 14. Why you’re too afraid to ever ask for anything 13. Magnets, how do they work 12. Why people go to med school 11. Where that smell is coming from 10. Why your dad stopped responding to your texts 9. Why you’re tired from 8 A.M. - 8 P.M. but wide awake from 8 P.M. - 8 A.M. 8. Why the smaller the battery size is, the louder it screams 7. Where Cheeto dust comes from 6. Why you’re “not allowed” to drink hydrochloric acid even though there’s acid in your body 5. How Mother Earth retains her curves 4. Why everyone else can’t see the eighth color of the rainbow 3. Why you don’t like healthy food even when it tastes good 2. How they clean all that coal 1. What the fuck a “blue raspberry” is

THEMQ.ORG • MAY 8, 2019

Just 90s things

technology that attracts millennials to your startup With the rise of millennials in the workforce comes a surge in demands for certain office accommodations from employers. For the trendy boss who wants to keep their youthful workforce happy, here are five must-haves to provide to your employees.

Avocado Toaster It’s the hottest trend! With minimal effort and an Avocadabra, you can make avocado toast just by throwing a slice of bread and the zesty fruit into this brilliant toaster. Feel free to charge your employees a dollar or 12 to provide a little boost to your seed funding.

Vegan Paper Do you feel like every time you use a piece of paper, you’re exploiting poor and helpless animals? With Papertarian, you can get that weight off your back. It also keeps those vegans from protesting outside your office! Editor’s note: It’s just regular paper.

80-Hour Work Week Planner You may have noticed that some calendars offer a shamefully small amount of space given the needs of the modern world. But when you make your employees work for 80 hours a week, it’s good to offer them some room. Allow them to put their 7 A.M., 11 A.M., 3 P.M., and 10 P.M. meetings on the page without needing to squeeze with Planned Productivity!

“Paychecks” While you may not technically be able (or want) to pay your employees just yet, Experichecks will help them be incentivised to clock in for those 16-hour days. These revolutionary certificates give your employees a sense of experience and exposure, and combined with a space under their desk to sleep, they’re sure to stay with you through all your growing pains.

Health Care Many of your employees may be bringing serious health issues to the workplace. The last thing you want is to lose your nearly free labor to an ailment, so consider offering Americare: UltraPrivatized Health Care. While it may seem strange that they aren’t able to drop $10,000 when they catch a cold, they’re from a different world where coddling is much more prevalent.

Gadgets

There’s no need to leave the fun at work anymore. With so much high-tech spy gear for home use in the market, every paranoid family can bring some excitement to the hearth. These products from top-secret companies are great additions to the average Illuminati-avoiding household.

household spy technology

Pool Float with Electric Setting

It happens to everybody; you come home one day and the evil scientist who is trying to destroy the universe is doing laps in your personal swimming pool. With the Floatazer, a pool inflatable with a preinstalled taser, a simple flick of the switch will leave your enemy sleeping with the fishes.

Neurotoxin-Loaded Smart Home Device If your operation goes awry and you find your arch nemesis lurking in your own residence, there’s no better solution than the Amazon Alexa Neurotoxin Attachment. At the command of “Alexa, kill!” your Alexa will activate strategically placed canisters around your home. Grab your gas masks, folks!

Fruit Disguise With fruit disguising technology, you will never be stopped at customs again. Bananaflauge is the ultimate in fruit disguising technology. Make any exotic fruit, phone, or gun look like a plain old banana, or plantain if you’re willing to pay for premium.

Two Cans with a String that Connects Them

For the most cunning of secret agents, Telecan provides the safest form of communication that is virtually undetectable by government spies, sleeper agents, or any other potentially dangerous people. Ideal for communication between people as far as three meters apart.