THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I’m the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.” -Stephen King, Author
School-approved summer reading
June 5, 2019
New Wave of Construction on Sixth Apartments Makes Students Exit onto I-5
Volume XXV Issue VII
In This issue Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
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Facebook Launches Stalking Feature
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sungod scrapbook XII
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Bernie Sanders to be Crucified and Resurrected polICE Capture human-sized koi fish
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News in Brief PHOTO By Jack Yang
“On the bright side, the construction went straight through Foodworx,” said one student who crossed the freeway and survived. Andrew Sitko
Social/Publicity Ottoman
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C San Diego has sent out another wave of emails notifying current and future residents of an extension of the construction zone over the summer and into the next school year. This extension envelops the entire area surrounding the Sixth Apartments up to the I-5 freeway running parallel to the school. Chancellor Khosla has announced the plans for this new area. “So all this upheaval of dirt for the railway has really inspired me to make use of all the unnecessary roadways and sidewalks leading into the Sixth Apartments. I recently went to Disneyland and I remembered my love for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. With all this free space, I plan to create an enormous
underground boat ride with little raccoon-sized boats and little raccoon animatronics, since the construction will have displaced their habitat. I think this is what UCSD really needs right now. Of course, students won’t be able to enter this facility, but I believe the mere thought that there are little boats teeming with raccoons floating underground is enough for the everyday student.” These new additions to the construction will come with some consequences for Sixth students, as the only accessible point into the apartments will be directly off the I-5 South freeway. There are no plans of creating a special exit for Sixth students off the freeway, and the speed limits will remain as posted. Anthony Jakubisin, Direc-
tor of Residence Life, has sent out a follow-up email with an apology, the second one of this school year. “Dear beloved Sixth College Residents, I received quite a bit of feedback for the last apology, especially regarding the parts where some of you said it looked like a prewritten apology, and the fact that the bright side I said to look forward to was inaccessible to any of you currently living here, because you are only guaranteed two years on campus. “The truth is: I hate you. All of you. You are whelps complaining to me as if I care. Khosla actually came to me and said we should still have a safe way for Sixers to access the apartments, and I turned that down. If you deserve to be a Sixer, you must pass through the trials of moving furniture off the side
of the freeway, running across the lanes to buy basic goods or catch your class. I have no care for your health or safety. Perish, Anthony Jakubisin.” Attempts to reach out to Sixers for their opinions failed after half of them refused to leave their apartments and the other half were too depressed to comment. After an unexpected minimal resistance, Khosla plans to expand these projects into the “more mentally stable” neighborhoods of Muir and Revelle. He left a short statement: “Pines will now be replaced with Ninth College, and Revelle shall be placed upon the cross as penance for not a single Revelle student reading the holy word.”
Graduating Pre-Law Student Ready to Become Written into Law; No Longer Just a Bill on Capitol Hill
Africa Vacation Allows Visitors to do the Things They Never Had I was called to Africa by a force that I almost can’t describe — it’s like I heard drums echoing. I had to run out of my apartment, but I was stopped by an old man along the way. He turned to me as if to say, “Hurry girl, it’s waiting there for you.” In that moment, I knew that I must do what’s right. I was told by my editor that I couldn’t leave the country for my little reviews column, but there was nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do to stop me from going. As
sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti, I had to do this for myself. Africa is incredible. The whole continent is teeming with a beauty that I could never have hoped to understand. I feel like I’ve been guided towards salvation. Truly, I’ve been blessed by the rains down in Africa. My only regret is that I had to lose my job as a reviewer to finally see what I had been missing all my life. It’s gonna take a lot to pull me away from you, Africa.
Sigma Chi Throws Party on Sinking Ship Despite an inspection that revealed that the hull is rapidly filling with water, the Iota Chi chapter of Sigma Chi at UCSD has continued to throw parties on a beta theta alpha tau, their boat docked in Mission Bay. The sinking vessel started to become a concern after several women reported nearly drowning at Sigma Chi boat parties. When asked about these allegations, Sigma Chi President Kyle Smith claimed “If they didn’t want to drown then they shouldn’t have worn nonbuoyant clothing.” Some Sigma Chi brothers reportedly deny that the water is even there at all. “It’s not even water, bro,” said
Sigma Chi member Garret Stensien while knee-deep in ocean water. “Yeah, sure it looks like water, and acts like water, but everybody nowadays is trying to label everything water. You’re going to ruin the reputation of the boat, dude.” Though Sigma Chi remains passive, the Interfraternity Council has made statements addressing the issue. Brian Reese, an IFC member, said, “This is a serious issue, and we want to do everything we can to make it look like we’re taking this seriously.” Reese has reportedly contacted Sigma Chi and instructed them to put duct tape over the hull damage.
Study Finds Microwave in Break Room Dripping in Chili PHOTO By jack yang
“What happens if I get vetoed? Do I die?” asked Brakelian when she was told she didn’t have the approval of President Trump. By Mishelle Arakelian Social/Publicity Chair
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raduating senior Nishelle Brakelian has completed her pre-law undergraduate degree and has officially vowed to be signed into law. Brakelian’s education included reciting the School
House Rock motto “knowledge is power” repeatedly as part of a seance that involved a shrine dedicated to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s power and health. This seance evoked the hallmarks of United States constitutional law, aided by textbooks from the writing sequence of Thurgood Mar-
Local snails looking for love
They’re taking it slow
shall and Earl Warren College. Brakelian has worked to overcome the commonplace funeral pyre of congressional bills that is formally known as a “legislative committee bill-markup”. When questioned by reporters how she plans to receive bicameral support, and eventually the signature of the
president, Brakelian responded with a simple transfiguration from her fleshy human facade to a ream of white printer paper with illegible scribbles that included the name “JOHN HAMM-COCK” at the bottom.
See Pre-Law page 2
Jesus reincarnated Now attracts smaller crowds
Early this morning the communal microwave in the Scripps Medical Laboratory break room was found to be dripping in chili following its use by an unknown employee. The chili was discovered by a lab technician who declared the mess to be a workplace hazard, and subsequently enlisted the help of fellow researchers to find the individual who microwaved uncovered chili. Several scientists signed on to aid the search and offered their talents to track down the mess-maker so the culprit could clean the chili remnants. One forensic analyst, Jacob Lynt,
told reporters: “I took a few swabs of the microwave’s keypad and tried to pull some fingerprints from the handle of said microwave.” When asked if he thought it would be easier to just clean up the chili himself, Lynt said, “It’s not about ease. This is about justice.” Since the discovery of the chili, the break room has been sectioned off for further research. Many data analysts cannot agree on the identity of the person who created the mess in the microwave. However, nine out of 10 scientists agree with the conclusion that it’s fucking gross.
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
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June 5, 2019
Grocery Store Shut Down Due to Unsolicited Hand Holding Incident
Staff Writer “ marts,” a local grocery store located in Youngtown, Arizona, has shut down due to a traumatic, accidental hand holding incident that occurred days prior. “It was awful,” Chris Laysman, the man involved in the incident, told reporters on scene. “I was reaching to grab the tapioca pudding, ‘Snack Pack’ brand because I break out in hives if I eat anything else, and my other hand was just out in the open. That’s when it happened. I haven’t felt so awkward since my mom taught me what sex is.” Chris was excused from the interview shortly after this statement. No follow up interview has been scheduled yet. Smarts has a mass num-
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ber of locations scattered across the Arizona state lands. “We pride ourselves on quick and efficient grocery shopping experiences and the ability to leave customers with the need to come back.” The owner of the Youngtown location, Bradley Summers, gave a statement after news of the shutdown became public. “This was a complete shock to us at the store. We would have never thought crazy people were visiting the store, and on a beautiful Sunday, for heaven’s sake. Why did our lord stop watching over us?” Stanley Sherman, a patron to Smarts grocery store, caught reporters outside the scene as police were shutting down the store. “I could see it. There was intent behind those actions. This quarter-second
of handholding was premeditated,” Stanley Sherman told authorities his side of the incident as they were securing the area. “I was turning the corner from the chip aisle when I saw it. His hand was sitting right by that pudding. Those are the actions of somebody trying to rip off an arm.” Outside the police station, a crowd of local Youngtown citizens gathered to watch Phillis Crass guided to the holding cell. News reporters and cameraman from “Good Morning Youngtown” caught Crass taking his first steps into the jail cell. “What? That’s not what happened at all!” Phillis Crass told reporters when questioned about his own involvement in the incident. “I didn’t grab his hand — I wouldn’t do that. I can barely
Pre-law
By evoking the direct Latin translation of habeas corpus as “show me the body,” Brakelian suddenly transformed back into the vestige of her human form. When pursued by reporters who insist that there is “no such thing” as a pre-law degree — at least not in the UCSD undergraduate directory — Brakelian took up an argumentative strategy to guard the value of her degree, as she had been trained to do. “If the current conservative Supreme Court can throw the concept of stare decisis or legal precedent on the floor, bury it, and dance on it, then who’s to say I can’t pursue my goals of becoming a soon-to-be ignored piece of legislation that could be manipulated into being used to overturn Roe v. Wade or other fundamental civil rights legislation?” questioned Brakelian. Furthermore, Brakelian
promises that if allowed to become a law she will be “quieter and even more ignored than Justice Clarence Thomas has been for the past three decades.” “The deafening silence is what it’s really all about, after all, the Washington Post is accurate when they say that ‘democracy dies in darkness’ and all that crap,” declared the metamorphosing recent graduate. “The job market for becoming a bill may be tough, and everyone knows that there is nothing less productive than a divided Congress and an asshole president, but as stated in my resume I am always up for a challenge” said the aspiring piece of legislation. Suddenly, Brakelian clicked her heels together while twirling a gavel, and instantly vanished from the site of the interview.
PHOTO By jack yang
Crass was later charged with destruction of evidence for washing his hands. By Hanaa Moosavi
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make eye contact with anyone outside of my immediate family.” Crass appeared more flustered while listening to outside testimony on the case. “This is ridiculous! I had no blood lust. I just wanted to get my favorite pudding. I haven’t felt this awkward since my mom taught me what sex is.” After talking to reporters, Crass was retained shortly by Youngtown officials and the reporters were denied entry into the jail due to confidentiality of the situation. His bail has been set to $16.95, the value of the products knocked off the shelf during the incident, and he and his family are awaiting the Supreme Court hearing that will take place in three weeks time.
Starting satire young
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
Editor-in-Chief..............................Sage Cristal Managing Editor.......................Hannah Lykins Managing Editor............David Vereau Gorbitz Content Editor........................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Dad......................................Chris Jin Assistant Content Editor..............Steven Zhou Assistant Content Editor........Dexter Hamilton Design Editor....Maryanna Sophia Landaverde Design Editor................................Jay Noonan Assitant Design Editor................Miranda May Assistant Design Editor..............Natalia Nenn
Graphics Editor....................Stephen Lightfoot
Graphics Editor..............................Jessica Ma Assistant Graphics Editor...............Jack Yang Copy Editor..........................Samantha Cane Assistant Copy Editor..............Adian Valdez Social/Publicity Chair........Matthew McMahon Social/Publicity Chair........Mishelle Arakelian Social/Publicity Ottoman..........Andrew Sitko Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga MQ Step Cousin.........................Daniel Clinton Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne
Staff Members
Ready, Aim, Satire!
Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council. All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Holy Cow! It seems like only yesterday that I was picking my brain trying to write my first ed note of the year and thinking of what the rest of the year would hold. Through ups and downs, The MQ has been the place I go to cry, to laugh, to debate, and to love. And though there was a lot of tears and debates, there was love there in every moment. I will miss those who are leaving us- Sophia, Matt, Mishelle, Dan, and my soul sister Georgia (I mean Hannah- iiI’mm Sorrryyyy). And I send my love and best wishes to y’all and other staff writers who are venturing out into the “real” world. I have never felt more strangely at peace during production, but I’m sure it’s a good sign. Dan and Jay have big shoes to fill, but I have every confidence that they will do an amazing job. I can’t wait to see what y’all will do in the future, and I’m so grateful to watch every one of you grow to be stronger, smarter, and kinder individuals. I love you all, and I will always be grateful for every joke that we made and every second we spent together. XOXO, Sage <3
Adriana Aguilar Katlyn Andrade Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Ethan Coston Melina Cruz Summer Davis Chris Doherty Aniela Drumonde
Connor Gorry Leo Grabowski Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Daniel Kupor Heather Lim Matthew Miltimore
Keshav Mittal Hanaa Moosavi Elizabeth Niculescu Avaneesh Pentaparthy Massimo Quintero Robert Renfro Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanchez
Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Rhys Shriver Vanessa Tian Quoc Tran Sarah Wernher Jay Wilson Kate Zegans Ricky Zhao
Booster Club It’s the last production of the year, y’all. Very bittersweet, I know — I only cried a couple times, I swear. But I’d like to take the time to thank the people who made the weekend better with snacks. Thank you to Jack, Isaac, Matt Miltimore, Adam, Adian, Ivy, and Pastel (from FOOSH) for donating your Monopoly money; I can’t believe you still have so much. Thank you to Jay, Matt McMahon, and Sam for buying us snacks with real money. Thank you to Muir College (Haley specifically) for all the leftover pizza. Thank you to the lovely MoMer who brought us cookies and coffee. And lastly thank you to Andrew (a lovely alum) for buying us soda with real alumni dollars!! Y’all are the realest, and I’m gonna miss all of you very much. Now I gotta go cry more.
theMQ.org
June 5, 2019
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UCSD Begins Construction on New Housing Crisis
Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
PHOTO By Jack Yang
“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. By Robert Renfro Staff Writer
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PHOTO By Jack Yang
“Don’t worry, these dorms are also filled with asbestos,” said Jhaveri after describing the new student housing development on top of Tenaya Hall. By Summer Davis
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Staff Writer
s the school year comes to an end, UCSD is gearing up for its next big construction goal: manufacture a housing crisis in La Jolla before the start of September. “We’ve been preparing for this since 2017,” said HDH Executive Director Hemlata Jhaveri. “That was when we first discovered the joy of over-enrolling students.” The impact of UCSD’s decision to enroll more students than they had resources to serve was first felt in 2018, as a wave of students moving off campus caused rent prices to increase by $300 per month in the La Jolla area. Housing was similarly unavailable on campus, as dorms were filled by students, construction equipment, and sometimes, air conditioning. Now, the university is
ready to “abandon current students to nature’s will” since they will focus on students that will be entering Eighth College in 2030. “We guaranteed housing for everyone. But we didn’t say where the housing was,” Jhaveri said, before driving a bus full of students to UCLA’s dorms. UCSD administration argued that not being able to afford things is “a valuable character-building feature of the UCSD experience that is shaping the leaders and innovators of tomorrow.” “This is the price students pay to live in a beach town,” said Communications Representative Christine Clark. “They should expect to pay the same rates as all those celebrities and college chancellors living in La Jolla Shores. In exchange for not having an apartment, they
get to surf our sick waves.” UCSD attempted to address its first housing crisis by paying students to move into off-campus housing, a plan that left many students in limbo for weeks due to the university’s failure to increase transportation at the same rate. They project that stress levels will double this year as affordable off-campus housing joins parking spaces in becoming nonexistent. “A $3000 scholarship to leave campus would cover rent for two months in La Jolla,” said third-year student Jamila Kingston. “And that’s only if you have three people in the living room and charge the dog for utilities.” “I’m going to accept it anyway,” she added. “I hate this school and I want them to pay me to leave. That’s how it should be.” In response to criticism
of their housing crisis plan, UCSD’s Housing, Dining, and Hospitality department encouraged students to look on the bright side of being poor. “There’s housing available in Gliderport if students bring a tent,” said Clark. “If they’re creative enough, there’s housing all over the streets of San Diego. At UCSD, we encourage our students to practice free thinking and problem solving, and we’re pleased to extend this opportunity to all Tritons.” The housing crisis plan is expected to bump UCSD’s rankings in U.S. News & World Reports from a seven to a five on the “Easiest School to Leave” scale. “At UCSD, we pride ourselves on our stellar graduation rate,” said Jhaveri. “We excel at getting students off of this campus as quickly as possible.”
Area Man Holds Unique Opinion on Abortion That Deserves to be Heard
“I even had to explain to the women what ‘man-splaining’ was,” said “Women’s Advocate” Charlie Miller. Sage Cristal
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Editor-in-Chief
n response to the recent debate surrounding Alabama’s abortion law and the subsequent bills that were passed in response to it, UCSD student and self-titled “Women’s Advocate” Charlie Miller held a pro-choice rally on Monday outside of San Diego’s City Hall. Miller was able to gather around 200 women and other male “prochoice heroes” in order to protest the laws being passed that negatively affect individuals with wombs. The rally began with a speech given by Miller, who reminded the women in the crowd of their grandfathers, great-grandfathers, and other male relatives who fought for their right to vote. Miller then elaborated on his and his brothers’ fight for a woman’s right to bodily autonomy.
Miller told protestors, “I don’t care what my male coworkers or my guy friends say about me. I believe you girls should be able to choose whether or not you carry a child to term once you’re pregnant. And with men like me and your husbands and your sons fighting for your rights, I’m sure we will convince the states of Alabama, Georgia, and elsewhere that women are people too.” Despite Miller’s efforts to portray himself as an ally to women, many who attended the rally felt that Miller was overstepping his boundaries. One woman, Tamara Wright, told reporters, “It’s great and all that Miller supports women’s freedom of choice, but frankly, I don’t give a fuck about his opinion on abortion. He will never be pregnant, let alone get an unwanted pregnancy. He will
never be faced with the difficult decision to keep or abort an unwanted child, so his opinion is worth absolutely nothing to me. It’s fine that he has an opinion, but sharing his opinion takes space that a woman can be sharing her opinion in. For example, I was supposed to be the one to give the opening speech, but Miller felt his point-ofview was more important and had to be shared.” In response to Wright’s statement, Miller told reporters, “Women have privileged access to certain experiences, such as rape, sexual assault, or ectopic pregnancy. Just because women have this privilege doesn’t mean men should be left out of the conversation. Frankly, I’m sick of being silenced by women. I have a unique point of view that deserves to be heard and deserves to
PHOTO By stephen lightfoot
affect the final outcome of this long-winded debate.” Miller told reporters that this was not his last rally, and he has more protests lined up for future dates. “Besides abortion, I have strong feelings about other things, too. I’ll be appearing at a Black Lives Matter event as the lead speaker because I think my perspective as a white man will be very enlightening. Next month, I’ll be the keynote speaker at a conference on Jewish Safety in an Anti-Semitic World, and I’m confident my Protestant experiences will be very relatable to them. I look forward to sharing my unique point of view as a cis, straight, white man; and I hope that by sharing my opinions loudly and voluntarily, I am helping disenfranchised people who feel they are being silenced or overlooked.”
ocals were relieved last Thursday to find that a bird, which had earlier become stuck in the sky, was safely brought to the ground by an off-duty firefighter. The bird, frozen in midair, was first noticed by passerby at 11:25 a.m. and was soon rescued at 11:29 a.m. The bird reportedly had been either a crow, a raven, a red tailed hawk, a bald eagle, a bat, or a pterodactyl — depending on which of the statements of various local sources is referenced. The firefighter credited with rescuing the bird could not be reached for comment, as he is still very high up. One witness described the scene: “Well I was just minding my own business, checking out my neighbor’s garbage, when all of a sudden I noticed that there was a bird in the sky that couldn’t seem to get down. So I see this and I’m like ‘yeah I get it, but like, why? Where is this going?’ And then I was abducted by aliens, but people typically lose interest when I get to that part of the story. Hey, where are you going? Come back! Why
does this always happen?” There remain conflicting theories as to how exactly the bird became stuck. Aviation experts have suggested that the bird was unable to land in very windy conditions. Ornithologists claim that the animal became confused during migration. Circus clowns believe that it may have been a very convincing balloon animal, and cartoonists maintain that it walked off a cliff and had not looked down yet, perhaps while engaging in goofy antics and trying to avoid being eaten by a coyote. Although this issue was resolved in a timely fashion, people have expressed a growing fear of absurd predicaments in general as more and more seemingly impossible problems have emerged. In the past three months, there were 10 traffic jams in space, three separate but possibly related cases of one and zero being equal, five examples of buildings that were demolished but actually became larger, and what experts on confusion describe as “most confounding of all,” the continued popularity of Lil Dicky.
TOP Ten
Reasons Teenagers in 2050 Will Say They Should Have Been Born in the 2010s 10. They’ll feel a personal connection to twerking 9. They’ll want to live at same time as Michelle Obama 8. They’ll want to see what Earth was like before the aliens arrived. 7. They’ll want people to think they’re woke for not being racist 6. They’ll want to see photos and videos that aren’t generated by AI 5. They’ll want to see what life was like when there were more than four companies 4. They’ll want to see what their E-Mom looked like as an E-Girl 3. They’ll have never seen what dry land looked like 2. They’ll wish they could’ve seen the collapse of American democracy 1. They’ll want to see what it was like when there were just two Dakotas
Once you go black and white, you never go back
THE MQ
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June 5, 2019
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Graduating Senior Excited to Study Abroad, Put Off the Inevitable
Facebook Launches an Automated Stalking Feature Across its Services
PHOTO By Jack Yang
“That backsplash does not go with those cabinets,” commented Zuckerberg while looking through a user’s window. By Quoc Tran
Staff Writer n a post on Tuesday morning, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the launch of a new service across the social media giants Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp that will drastically change the way people interact with each other. The service, named “AutoStalk,” is set to circulate immediately across all devices and automate the process of stalking friends, acquaintances, and enemies through their social media accounts. AutoStalk streamlines this process by using deep learning and machine intelligence to develop a blockchain-based algorithm that decides which profiles to stalk and reports back with photos, recent status updates, and whether or not they’re selling essential oils in a pyramid scheme yet. In light of the recent controversy over Facebook’s role in the 2016 presidential election and its user data harvesting, Zuckerberg hopes this move will show Facebook’s users that the platform remains committed to providing the best possible user experience. In a blog post, Zuckerberg wrote, “AutoStalk will be another way that we recommit to our pledge that Facebook is a platform that allows people from all over the world to connect to one another, whether they want to or not.” Zuckerberg also hopes that this move will address privacy concerns; he stated, “Users have always been concerned with how much of their privacy Facebook has been invading, but now
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PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
Hykins was reportedly enthralled when she purchased her “one-way ticket from Berlin to unemployment.” By Hannah Lykins Managing Editor
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n an attempt to ignore the inevitability of adult life, graduating senior Lana Hykins has decided to delay her official graduation a few months by studying abroad. “I couldn’t be more excited to be taking some ‘me time’ after graduation. I know I spent this last quarter as a part-time student taking electives, but the last few months have been really hard on me. Even the process of taking grad photos and preparing to walk at commencement has been really stressful. So I don’t think I can handle the uncertainty of the real world right now.” After commencement, most college graduates either go on to pursue a graduate degree, or transition straight
into the job market. Hykins has decided to do neither, instead spending her summer in Berlin at a Global Seminar program. Her parents have decided to fund her trip even after asking her to save up the money herself. “We’re kind of worried about her well-being, to be honest,” said Hykins’s parents. “We thought some time studying abroad might be the perfect distraction, so that way she doesn’t have to worry about getting a job for a few months — even though we’ve been asking for awhile. She could’ve gone to graduate school like everyone else in her field, but maybe Berlin would be a better fit for her. I mean, the best way to plan for the future is by not doing it at all, right?” Hykins attributed her
post-graduate stress to the declining graduate job market. However, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has estimated the unemployment rate for college graduates to be at approximately 2.1 percent, a number that has been continuously decreasing in the last few years. “I probably could have been applying for jobs these last few months, but I really want to concentrate on my study abroad experience. I’m hoping to extend it to the fall if all goes well,” said Hykins. “Plus, it’s so hard to find work this far in advance. No way any company would want to hire me so many months out. Have you ever tried applying for a job? I’ve heard it’s pretty tough.” “No, we’ve had jobs lined up since January or February
— some of us even earlier,” said Hykins’s graduating friend. “To be honest, it was super easy; companies have pretty much been throwing job offers at us left and right. I think she could find a job if she just started looking. Has she started looking?” Hykins was later seen deleting all of her Indeed and ZipRecruiter emails in order to make space for the Duolingo app. When asked for comment, she replied, “Well what’s more useful: daily tailored job recommendations or German? Because those idiots with their stable careers won’t feel so accomplished when they need to ask for directions in Munich and have no idea how to. Auf Wiedersehen, LinkedIn!”
Bob Iger Declares War on Netflix “in the Name of Consumer Demand”
they’ll be able to invade each other’s privacy almost as easily as Facebook invades theirs!” Initial reactions to the new feature have been generally positive, with a Facebook poll showing a large majority of users expressing satisfaction with the amount of time that they’ve saved so far. Patty Johnson, a mother of three, doesn’t use Facebook much, but has shared her excitement about the new feature: “I don’t usually have time to stalk people on Facebook, so this is a pretty neat feature. The robot sent back a report telling me that my high school bully is in jail for meth, so that’s pretty nice.” Johnson hopes this service will eventually be expanded onto Instagram, the popular photo-sharing service owned by Facebook, so that she can finally find her teenage daughter’s “finsta” after months of searching. AutoStalk has fans spanning across all age groups. 20-yearold Andy Fisher, who regularly posts to various meme pages of colleges he has never attended, talked about his excitement over the new feature: “This is gonna be so great. I don’t have to waste time stalking the Facebook pages of girls that I like anymore. It knows my stalking habits so well that it’ll accidentally ‘Like’ a post from months ago. Only occasionally, though, just so they’ll know that I’m stalking them.” Fisher commented that this small feature is “useful for guys like me who are too scared to talk to girls. Hopefully, Jenny will finally notice and go out with me.”
TOP Ten Reasons Why You’re Posing Nude for an Audience
PHOTO By Jack Yang
“I only have to pay $9.99 per week to show the Disney loading screen on my Roku,” said one prospective customer of the company’s upcoming streaming service. By Steven Zhou
Assistant Content Editor
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hree months after its $71.3 billion merger with 21st Century Fox, the Walt Disney Company has decided to officially declare war on Netflix. This news was unsurprising to prominent media pundits at ABC, who predicted this conflict years prior after observing their parent company’s CEO Bob Iger. Iger had become increasingly jealous at the streaming giant for “stealing” the revenue they “rightfully deserved by the order of Mickey Mouse.” “I swear, Bob Iger is going crazy over trying to kill Netflix. This man already makes over $50 million a year!” shared chief political correspondent George Stephanopoulos of ABC News. “I
was recently invited to his house, and his walls are covered top to bottom with battle plans for how to destroy Netflix in the stock market and increase his salary. I saw something equating Netflix to a monopoly. I haven’t seen projection on this scale since I saw Endgame in IMAX.” Sources said Iger insists he is approaching his decision with a clear mind. “I mean, all I’ve been responsible for is Disney’s merger with ABC, Pixar, Marvel, Lucasfilm, and 21st Century Fox. If people have a problem with us, they can easily switch to the seven remaining channels and film companies that we haven’t purchased yet. Either way, Netflix must suffer for all the money it has robbed from us, and I’ll see to its complete and utter destruction in the
name of mone — I mean consumer demand!” Heiress to the Disney Corporation Abigail Disney has been outspoken with her disapproval of Iger’s declaration of war. “You know, having your Imagineers make a few films featuring underrepresented minorities and post a few feel-good tweets about ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusion’ doesn’t make your neoliberal power grab any less disgusting,” Disney reportedly said to Iger. “Maybe instead of spending billions of dollars on this Disney+ bullcrap for world domination, you could instead be a decent human being and raise the minimum wage of your workers to above $15 an hour? I think that’s where consumer demand actually is.” With Netflix’s recent price
hike and $15 billion dollar debt, sources believe it is currently losing the battle against Disney. However, economists believe those who ultimately pay the price of this “battle for the stream” may be the average consumer who neither asked for nor has the power to stop this war, yet must eventually pay for both subscriptions to enjoy their favorite content. “This is just another classic example of regular folks getting screwed by corporate America,” shared New York Times columnist and economist Paul Krugman. “At least with Disney, we might get screwed by a cute mouse, a droid, or one of the Avengers. That’s a perk, right?”
10. Today is show and tell 9. Tuition has to get paid somehow 8. You really misunderstood your therapist’s advice on practicing public speaking 7. Your parents will be in the crowd and you want to make them proud 6. Come on, it’s like, 75 degrees 5. You’re really happy with what the plastic surgeon did for you 4. You misunderstood what an expose was 3. You’re a nude model 2. You’re heavily invested in traumatizing the others in the retirement home 1. It’s laundry day
Trying to cancel our Comcast since 1988
THE MQ
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June 5, 2019
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Page 5
H&M Mannequin Joins Democratic Primary Race
The UCSD Mythbusters The UCSD Mythbusters is a team that aims to crack down on campus rumors and superstitions with a combination of the scientific method and an open mind. Here are the most recent myths that have been put to rest this year.
The Ghost of York Hall: BUSTED Once thought to be haunted due to loud clanking sounds coming out of the lecture hall, a camrecorder has confirmed that these noises are actually coming from Hydroflasks and iClickers falling on the ground.
PHOTO By Jack yang
Trump has reportedly shared many concerns about the fact that candidate Robert Perrson was made in China. By Matthew Miltimore Staff Writer
R
obert Perrson, a mannequin from the popular clothing store H&M, has officially announced his bid for the 2020 presidency this past Tuesday. Running as a Democrat, Perrson enters a competitive field with nearly two dozen other contenders for the nomination. Supporters have expressed that Perrson sticks out amidst his fellow party members “not just because he wears a coolass sweater, but because his cold, eyeless face relates to America’s youth.” Despite Perrson’s appeal to a younger audience, older party members, like 44-yearold Debra Johnston, expressed concern over Perrson’s “lack of clarity on salient issues like Medicare, housing, and the GAP closing thousands of stores this year.” While these issues remain pertinent,
George Smith, a guy with a man-bun and a supporter for Perrson’s nomination, excused the lack of clarity citing the fact that “Perrson doesn’t have a mouth.” For Smith, one aspect of Perrson’s platform remains abundantly clear: “He remains committed to enacting actionable policy to mitigate climate change and curb harmful emissions. Of course, he didn’t overtly say this, but why would he wear all those beaded and wax-cord bracelets if he felt otherwise?” Perrson’s skeptics are not limited to older Democrats. Some younger party members have voiced concerns over Perrson’s ties to big corporations. “This is a race where we have candidates like Sanders calling for a $15 minimum wage,” said Emily Smith, a graduate student at UCLA. “Why would I vote for a guy who is literally selling us something made in factories that pay their work-
ers a few dollars an hour?” However, for other voters, it is this connection to popular fashion brands that makes Perrson so appealing. “Politics is a lot like fast-fashion,” remarked Ted McShmoody, a political analyst for the New Jersey Times. “You advertise this grand work, and then you water it down until you get to something that more people can actually get their hands on. Sure, it won’t take long for that piece to wither away to obsolescence, but by then you’ll be showing off something new.” While Perrson’s claim to the nomination remains strong, he faces stiff competition. McShmoody predicted that he may retain an element of relatability that other lack. “Biden, Sanders, and Warren have most definitely never heard of H&M.” Instead, McShmoody suggested that Perrson’s biggest challenger may be 46-year-old “totally
dreamy heartthrob” Beto O’Rourke who responded to Perrson’s nomination in a statement that read: “H&M? Hmph, lame,” which was then followed by a three-page report about his college punk band, “Topple the StatusQuo!” and an analysis of their song “Unless I Benefit From The Status-Quo!” Perrson’s true stake in this race remains to be seen, yet early polling data from PoliticOh shows him performing well. Perrson’s campaign manager reported that “he is polling higher than Delaney, Hoggett, Moultan, Floom, Alan, and Hickenlooper. Three of those names were actually characters from Babe: Pig in the City, but I bet you didn’t recognize any. If a man named Hickenlooper is running for president, maybe a mannequin stands a chance.”
Students Prepare for Annual End-of-the-Year Galbraith Book Burning
UCSD Has No Campus Culture: BUSTED UCSD has a reputation for being “socially dead” and devoid of culture. After many days of searching and breaking into laboratories, however, the team has discovered several labs full of bacteria cultures everywhere — making this theory null.
UCSD Built on Native American burial Grounds: CONFIRMED Despite the university’s attempts to be a progressive institution, it turns out there are still some skeletons in its closet. A historical analysis shows that Native Americans used to live in America — confirming this myth.
Sixth College Apartments Filled with 60% Asbestos: BUSTED While Sixth College is known for having asbestos everywhere in its buildings, the team’s chemical analysis shows that the amount of asbestos is actually higher than expected. Asbestos levels have been confirmed to be above 80%.
PHOTO By Jay Noonan
School officials later declared the book burning event a new part of the Stuart Art Collection and titled the piece: “Disco Inferno.” By Melina Cruz
T
Staff Writer
he end of Spring Quarter at the University of California San Diego is approaching, and as the year draws to a close, students all over campus have begun posting signs for the so-called “Burn the Books” event at Galbraith Hall. “This is an annual event,” said Clarissa Evans, an event coordinator for freshmen activities. “At least, it would be if Chancellor Khosla stopped sending out ‘cease-and-desist’ letters, and if security guards stopped ripping down our posters. That’s why we’re using a mixture of super glue and liquid plastic so they can’t rip them down this time.” When questioned about the details of the event, Evans said it was “super extra secret, and like, really hard to explain.” Another participant
placing posters assured that the event obviously wasn’t secret because all of the information is “like, right there” while motioning to the poster. “We all go to Galbraith in formation and gather all the books while dodging security guards,” explained Lisa Blake, a self-titled Burn the Books veteran. “Then we pile the books in a circle in the middle of Revelle. Afterwards, we’re supposed to cover the books in oil — because gasoline is like, a non-renewable resource — and we light it up. Then we dance and party and it’s supposed to symbolize a new beginning. Because, then, the administration can just order new books for the next year and start fresh. It’s just plain fun. Plus, we get all the new sorority and fraternity folks involved, and it’s this whole bonding thing.”
The group plans for this year’s Galbraith Burn the Books to be “extraordinarily fun,” with promises of s’mores, cozy blankets, and campfire songs, as well as a “sick DJ.” Despite their promises, however, polls from passing students have shown that the event may have very limited attendance. “I have asthma,” said Christian Coleman, a freshman. “I can’t attend the event. Or I’ll die. That’s basically it.” Another freshman who chose to remain anonymous said that these types of events were usually “really lame,” and declared they wouldn’t be participating to “preserve their coolness factor.” Alyssa Brown, a senior, lamented that despite the rebellious factor in this particular event, she couldn’t risk not graduating in five years. “I already have three counts of arson. I don’t
need more.” The coordinator groups for freshmen events, however, have emphasized they will not give up on their event. “We plan on putting the posters everywhere we can. We’re even gonna hire a pilot to lug a sign behind their plane and fly it above the school. We have an associate planning on sticking a 20-foot- long sign on the construction in Muir,” Evans stated. “It’s essential we get the word out, even if we make promises we can’t keep. Otherwise, no one will come. There might not be enough marshmallows, and the blankets are actually old rags from Goodwill. But all that matters is getting people through the door and getting the party started.”
Fourth Year with a 4.0 GPA: BUSTED The urban myth of the engineering student with a 4.0 has been proven to be false. Joe Morrison, an electrical engineering student at Jacobs, was theorized to be the elusive student, but transcript checks have shown him to be a lying bastard.
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June 5, 2019
theMQ.org
Local Glass-Breaking Business is a “Smashing Success”
Bernie Sanders Expected to be Crucified and Resurrected in First Democratic Primary Debate
PHOTO By Jessica Ma
After three days, polling showed that Bernie Sanders’ popularity rose again. Sage Cristal
A PHOTO By hannah lykins
In response to concerns over possible injuries from broken glass, the store-owners reassured customers that “there is nothing to worry about. We have a waiver for that.” By Matthew Miltimore
W
Staff Writer
hile most haberdasheries focus on providing their customers with men’s clothing and men’s clothing accessories, the “Crash Haberdashery and Have-A-Smashery” from Solana Beach has embraced the needs of a new generation and provides customers with something more practical: a chance to “break some shit.” Owned and operated by George and Kevin McSchmidtlebop, two brothers and San Diego natives, “The Crash” provides an opportunity for a cathartic release of “all those pent-up emotions you’ve been suppressing.” For $20, the McScmidtlebop
brothers will provide participants with a metal bat, catcher’s gear, some eye protection, and five minutes in a room full of glass breakables. “Lots of folks just want to do some smashing,” said Kevin McSchmidtlebop, “That doesn’t mean they’re bad folks. Let them smash, I say.” The McShmidtlebops have stood by those words, allowing residents of Solana Beach to enjoy a real romp in their store. “You know, I was really upset that my boss gutted the dental plan,” remarked Tristan Gallergor, a frequent customer at The Crash, “and I was even more upset when he promoted his nephew instead of me, but at least I can come here and really demolish some
stained-glass windows.” While the Crash’s new business model has made the store extremely successful, it marks a sharp turn away from the work done by the haberdashery for the past 30 years. “When we opened the store up all those years ago, there was a real market for small items related to sewing,” George commented. “I mean, we were selling buttons by the barrel-load, but the market changes. And so us haberdashers must haber-adapt.” Now, the brothers remain fully committed to their glass-breaking service. Every morning the brothers wake up early and do their rounds to local thrift stores and second-hand shops,
picking up any glass they can find before their shop opens in the early afternoon, when “smashing time” begins and continues until 9 p.m. sharp. Kevin admitted that “it can be a hard day’s work, but if I’m ever too worn out I just blow off some steam on the glass jars we got a few days ago.” Sources say the Crash Haberdashery and HaveA-Smashery has become increasingly popular, as people reportedly have lined up around the block to get a few minutes to “tap into their ever-growing lust for primal carnage.” There is only so much glass in Solana Beach, so tourists need to visit the McSchmidtlebop brothers before they break it all.
The MQ’s Guide to Clubbing
Going to the club is a fantastic experience, but it’s hard to break into the scene for newcomers. After many months of research and clubbing, we’ve figured out the best ways to maximize your trip to the dance floor. Here are the most important tips for you to have the best night of your life.
Signs You’re Entering a Good Club: • There is an epilepsy warning before entering • Club-goers are replicating the Club Penguin dance •The colored dance floor tiles fall away when you step on them • The ratio of turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise is just right • There is a water slide inside the club
Tips on How to Look Fly as Hell When Dancing: • Put on a shit ton of Silly Bandz • Wear a vest with no shirt underneath • Wear your best pair of loafers so you’ll be comfy yet stylish • Show off what your mama gave you with some assless chaps • Cover yourself in sticky paper and honey
Hottest New Clubs in San Diego Boots and Cats
Sax and the City
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For the urban hipster millennial who enjoys the club atmosphere but hates listening to electronic dance music, Sax and the City is the place to be. This club plays all types of jazz music from blues to big band, giving patrons plenty of head-bangers to dance to so that they don’t destroy their ears.
Editor-in-Chief
s the first Democratic primary debate of the 2020 election season approaches, rumors about the declared and potential candidates for president have started to circulate. Along with whispers about Hillary Clinton’s possible rematch against President Trump and rumors of Beto O’Rourke’s shirtless pictures being leaked by the Russian government, some voters believe Bernie Sanders will be the candidate to watch as well as worship. Some Sanders fans, referred to as “Bernie Bros” by Republicans, have prophetized that Sanders will win the 2020 presidential election. First, he will be crucified by Trump supporters and be buried in a cave in order to be resurrected as a stronger, more progressive version of his original self. One “Bernie Bro,” Hailey St. Clair, told reporters, “I’m not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person. And when Bernie ran in 2016, I felt like he was clearing a pathway — like a sea full of bad people, so that underprivileged individuals could go forward to a safer country. Unfortunately, evil won. But when I heard Bernie was running for president in 2020, I felt renewed. I felt like our country had a chance at rebirth.” Some political observers have caught on to these rumors, alluding to them as “the socialist’s second coming.” Ryan Terry, a political analyst, told reporters, “We haven’t seen this kind of social fervor and enthusiasm about politics since Jesus Christ stooped
down and washed the feet of poor people and sex workers, so it makes sense that people are comparing Bernie to Christ. Regardless of whether I believe these predictions about Bernie being crucified are true or not, I would like to say for the record that I will not be participating in a crucifixion, if one were to occur. I’m all for the marriage of church and state, but I don’t want Bernie to come back from the dead and ask me to atone for my sins with tax hikes.” These rumors have gained a lot of traction in the last week and have even gotten the attention of Bernie Sanders. When asked for an interview about his potential crucifixion, Sanders told reporters, “No, no, no. I’m not God. I’m no one to be worshipped. Sure, I may be a Jew fighting for the rights of oppressed people, but that doesn’t mean I am Jesus Christ. Okay, okay, maybe I am similar to Jesus. But at the end of the day, you won’t see me on that cross unless it’ll break up the big banks, or if there’s a really good bowl of hummus waiting for the first person to be crucified. In either of those situations, I would be the first person on that cross. But otherwise, no thanks.” Despite Sanders’ statement, some individuals are holding out hope for his crucifixion. A political science professor at UCSD told reporters he is looking forward to seeing Sanders perform in the first debate. “I’m no Bernie fan, since I like to think of myself as a patriotic capitalist, but getting the man to do a guest lecture here would be a monumental achievement. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work on my hummus recipe.”
TOP Ten
Similarities Between Graduating From College and Getting Released From Prison 10. You’ll never wear that outfit again 9. You thought you’d be buff by now 8. You’re glad you never have to eat their shitty food again 7. You’re going to miss having convenient access to a library 6. You got out early for good behavior 5. You’re never going to talk to the friends you made there again 4. You can finally stop caring about the prisoner’s dilemma 3. You definitely regret getting those tattoos 2. You’re moving back into your parents’ home 1. You’ll be back in a couple of years Is it too early to say I love you?
THE MQ
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June 5, 2019
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RNC to Propose Monthly Virginity Tests for Women
Study Finds Increased Alcohol Consumption Correlated with Higher GPA
PHOTO By Jack Yang
Luna reportedly tries to keep his blood alcohol levels at the same number as his GPA. PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
McDaniel told reporters, “It takes a village to raise a child, and luckily my uterus is owned by our great village of the US of A!” By Steven Zhou
Assistant Content Editor
I
n the wake of abortion restrictions passed by Republican legislatures in several states across America, the Republican National Committee has updated their platform for the 2020 elections with a new proposal that demands all women take mandatory virginity tests every month. Colloquially called the “Hymen Check,” this proposal was backed by a large majority of RNC voting members, including Ronna Romney McDaniel, current chair of the RNC. McDaniel, who has expressed disapproval for Alabama’s new abortion restrictions in the past, surprised reporters by her approval for this change. “I’m personally against the restrictive measures on abortion being placed upon by private citizens and their doctors, but I do fully support the government’s intrusion upon women’s
privacy with this virginity test since it’s politically convenient for the party. And it’s God’s will.” Prominent Republican politicians across the country have shown interest in implementing virginity tests on their female constituents as soon as possible. Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia is going further, pushing his state’s legislature to pass a law requiring every female resident to keep a copy of their latest virginity results on hand to show law enforcers or any male that asks for it. “I am very confident this law will solve the problem of women having too much control over their bodies,” shared Kemp. “By keeping every woman on her toes and scrutinizing their personal sexual decisions even more than we are now, us men can breathe a sigh of relief. Soon, we will return to the natural way of men taking ownership of our baby incubators.” Current polling of male Republicans shows the “Hy-
men Check” to be extremely popular within the base, with 87 percent approving of this change. No such survey has been performed with a female Republican cohort. “A decision like deciding when to have sex is much too complicated for a fragile female brain to comprehend,” says Dennis Rockefeller, the 67-year-old Republican man who conducted the survey. “Allowing women to be involved with these decisions will just lead to issues down the road. That’s why we have all these ‘Me Too’ movements, or whatever they’re called, popping up everywhere. What happened to the good ol’ days of men being able to find an intact woman after screwing around with some whores?” Despite these statistics, there is some pushback within the GOP over the “Hymen Check.” Arizona Senator Martha McSally reportedly asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell if the party’s platform was a joke.
“I flew in the air force for this country, and all you men care about is if I’m ‘broken in?’ Y’all are really toeing the line here.” Senator Susan Collins from Maine is also reportedly unhappy with the new platform, with sources claiming she has been intoxicated for several days and “cursing herself for confirming that beer-loving Kavanaugh.” This opposition is likely to be ignored as the RNC moves towards preparing for election season. As the Republican Party continues to trend heavily towards men, McDaniel believes the “Hymen Check” is the only way to continue appealing to their base. “Look lady Republicans, if you want to keep hating on the gays, Mexicans, poor people, and climate scientists, the only way to do that is to also pretend to hate yourself. I, for one, am willing to get screwed over by a few men to do that. So please, just be the doting supportive wives you all are. It’ll all be over soon.”
UC Chancellors Appoint Themselves as Permanent Commencement Speakers
By Adam Yoshinaga
C
Distribution Captain
ollege students who engage in alcohol consumption tend to earn higher grades than students who don’t, according to a newly released report by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara. “Although the data doesn’t allow us to make cause-and-effect statements, it is clear that — among students who drink and don’t drink — those who reportedly consumed more alcohol performed significantly better academically,” said Lannah Hykins, a professor of clinical psychology and director of the study. “Oh, and those who drink can fuckin’ drink.” The comprehensive report of 25 students from UCSB was originally based on responses from those who sought counseling during the 2017 Fall Quarter; however, the study was extended to the 2019 Winter Quarter to increase the sample size. The students were first asked their age and current major, followed by questions about their study habits, use of alcohol, and whether or not they believed that Bush should have won the 2000 election. While 78 percent of students surveyed were not of legal drinking age, 82 percent still admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages in the past week. In addition, 73 percent of those who admitted to drinking in the past week also had a midterm within the same length of time. Compared to those who didn’t drink, those who did performed an average of one letter grade higher. Additionally, those who consumed more than eight shots of hard liquor (the reported average per drinking session) had an average GPA
of 3.36, compared to a 3.33 among those who didn’t. When UCSD students were asked their opinions on the study, they had mixed responses. One respondent, who wished to remain under the alias, “Bad Girl DaDa,” responded positively: “Now that there’s science to prove it, I can drink ‘til I black out and not worry about having to drop out. Not that I worried before, but at least my actions are validated now.” Lizbeth Contreras disagreed: “Just because there’s science to back it up doesn’t mean that it’s true. Remember when we thought global warming was real? Or when we thought the Earth was round?” The study received several critiques by students and staff at other universities as well. Alan Luna, a first-year at the University of Southern California, questioned one component of the study: “Why the hell were they asked about Bush. I mean, I wasn’t even born in 2000, but even I know that it was rigged.” Francis Hall, a researcher at San Diego State University, noted: “The sample size isn’t large enough to conclude that there’s a relationship between the two. You violated the golden rule of statistics.” In response to Hall, Hykins said, “That’s why it’s correlation not causation, dumbass.” Sarah Coronel of UCSD addressed the study from a different perspective. Coronel questioned the lack of publication of the majors, despite Hykins claiming it was a component surveyed. “My bet is that this report is total B.S. They probably made a ‘SONA style’ study and gave people extra credit for participating — $20 says they’re all cog-sci and psych majors.”
PHOTO By Jack Yang
On the topic of how the graduates will succeed in life, Khosla said, “You will not make it on a boat, you will not make it on a float, you will not make it here or there, you will not make it anywhere.” By Summer Davis
I
Staff Writer
n response to union demands for speakers to boycott UC commencements, all UC chancellors have designated the responsibility to themselves as official commencement speech deliverers. In an official statement, they promised to “treat this opportunity with the same gravitas that a student writing a political science midterm paper demonstrates.” At first, the chancellors unanimously expressed excitement for the new policy. “It’s a great honor for families to hear me speak,” UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ said. “Not even the students get to do that.” Strikes by the American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees Local 3299 (AFSCME) began in response to the UC system’s failure to agree to wage increases, as well as reports of
women of color receiving lower starting salaries. Principled commencement speakers, excluding former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, joined workers’ demands for fair compensation by boycotting commencements. “We’re not asking for much,” commented Khaled Greene, a member of AFSCME and UCSD employee. “We know we deserve more respect and fair reimbursement for everything we’ve seen students do in the dining halls.” Greene continued, “We wouldn’t ask students to pay higher tuition. We just think that Chancellor Khosla could downsize from a mansion with an ocean view to a standard mansion, and then he’d be able to pay us more.” Many UC students were surprised to learn that their chancellors had responsibilities other than speaking at commencement. “What else do they do again?” asked Mayra Lee, a UCLA student.
“I feel like the only time I see my chancellor is when they’re sitting on stage at commencement. I thought they just wheeled them out of the fridge where they keep them frozen in June and then put them back for the rest of the year.” Chancellor Khosla was available to comment on the boycott from his beachside mansion during one of his three hour long breaks from writing his 500 word commencement speech. He expressed regret that there would be no speakers from the San Diego community for the foreseeable future. “Of course I would prefer having a politician come to UCSD,” he said. “It’s so hard writing a different speech each year without reusing the same messages. I’ve found myself in a bit of a slump, and when you're in a slump you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. How many times
do you think I can quote ‘Oh, the Places You’ll Go’ without families noticing?” Chancellor Khosla then began his hand stretches and vocal warm-ups. He explained, “They help me stay loose when I dictate my speech for my assistant to type up. There’s a surprising amount of pointing involved.” Across the state, other UC chancellors were undergoing similar struggles as they prepared to deliver their speeches. “I think we should just have the damn students do it. They should just run the whole thing, under the guise of student leadership or whatever you want to call it,” said UCLA Chancellor Gene Block, before collapsing dramatically on a velvet chaise with a hand thrown over his eyes. “We wouldn’t even have to pay them. Graduating from my university is their payment.”
We’re not us when we’re hungry
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
Page 10
In Response to UCSD Spam Quarantine Complaints, UCSD Sends More Spam Emails
PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
“Apparently, a postcard from my parents didn’t arrive because my mailbox was full, but this is well-formatted, I guess,” shared one Warren student after checking her mail. By Dan Kaliblotzky
S
June 5, 2019
theMQ.org
Content Editor
tudents should expect an increase in emails sent to their student emails in the coming weeks, as a result of an implemented UCSD Spam Quarantine filter change. The service currently stops various emails on topics such as career fairs, student involvement, and “other probably useless garbage” from reaching students directly. Instead, the emails are grouped into a list and sent as a single email described simply as “End User Digest.” The change was proposed by Paul Arsick, a faculty member on the UCSD Email Security team. “We figure that students don’t want all those useless emails cluttered in their inbox, so we decided to do something about it,” says Arsick, “However, sometimes these students are too unpopular to get enough emails to
make this thing work right, so the spam quarantine just takes one email and sends a spam digest with that one email. It doesn’t really do much other than fill their inboxes with spam quarantine emails. We decided to solve this by sending more emails about fundraising.” In addition to preventing students from noticing what is being filtered out of their inbox, this service will now also filter more non-fundraising emails. The new filtered content will include graduation ceremony information, class registration notifications, and all Piazza user digests “because we know you hate them and you’re just too lazy to edit your notification settings.” Jane Dobbets, Director of Email Security at UCSD, assured that the service blocks unnecessary emails. “There is a lot of malicious activity directed at student emails, and it is my job to
stop them from reaching our poor, vulnerable students. You think that single email from the La Jolla Playhouse is innocent? Hell no. They’re going to steal your money; you’re going to lose money that you could donate to UCSD Giving Day. U give us Ur money and U get more emails frUm Us!” Some students have expressed discontent with the quarantine system. “I signed up for, like, 10 orgs at the beginning of the year, and I thought I was going to get super involved in all of them. When the spam quarantine happened, they stopped telling me when I got emails from those orgs! I’m not about to sift through every spam quarantine email to find out when the Sixth College Post-Pre-Law Society is going to meet,” says Shana Roberts, a first-year in Marshall College. She reportedly “totally would have looked at the email and gone to the meeting and stuff”
if it had not been quarantined. Other students have also taken issue with the increased emails, specifically disagreeing with the increased fundraising emails. Arizona-native Launa Heykeniz says she does not have the extra funds to contribute. “I already pay out-of-state tuition. You’re already forcing me to pay more and more every year to go to school here, and you expect me to donate? At least wait until students are alumni before spamming them with this shit! I am not just an insignificant speck of dust in the large world of the UCSD email list! I matter!” Heykeniz has elaborated on her opinion in a poetry act titled “You Break Me Worse.” Launa “I am from AZ // but you just call me lazy.” Heykeniz will debut the act at open mic nights across UCSD.
Local Human-Sized Koi Fish Actually Human Criminals in Disguise
POINT
Going Pre-med is the Hardest Route a College Student Can Take Baxter Washington
O
Pre-med Student
ut of all potential career paths college students can take, there’s no doubt that pre-med is the absolute hardest. We have it the roughest out of all college “majors,” if you can even call them that. Let’s face it, we all know that most classes and majors in college are useless, such as critical genders studies and literature. There is no career off the top of my head where having any knowledge of gender theory and the English language helps, especially in medicine. When am I ever going to treat someone with a different gender identity than me or use the English language? As a pre-med, I only focus on tough, life-applicable courses that the average Joe cares about, such as organic chemistry and metabolic biochemistry. There’s no time for pre-meds to expand their horizons with a political science class. Not only is it time consuming and useless (being pre-med requires
me to be only interested in STEM), it also means interacting with slimy pre-law people desperate to prove that getting into law school is harder than getting into med school. For the record, all the weeder classes that us pre-meds take make our path more difficult, and therefore, automatically make pre-meds better than everyone else. Pre-law students might have a tougher time than people studying environmental systems (what even are those?), but to say their path exceeds the one pre-meds take is, putting it mildly, an utter lie.
COUNTERPOINT
Objection, Your Honor By Devin Chou Pre-law student
I
f anyone took some time to actually look at the evidence, they’d see how much harder it is to be pre-law. Everyone who’s pre-med takes these classes that are all about facts and memorization, which any eight year old could figure out if they studied a little bit. And I don’t see how that prepares anyone to slice up my body, I don’t care what they know if their hands are shaky from the ‘supplements’ they take to endure their so-called ‘stressful’ lifestyle. I’m tired of this med school “doctors are important” elitism — without lawyers, who would handle their malpractice cases? Meanwhile, we have pre-law students, such as myself. Unlike in pre-med classes, my classes don’t deal with simple objective truth, in fact, truth is completely disregarded amongst pre-law students, forcing us to be creative instead of just having to
read a textbook or seven. Furthermore, we don’t get to spend twelve extra years in academia preparing for our careers like a child learning to walk. We get kicked out onto the streets after only seven years of higher education. And lawyers don’t even get to drug their clients to make their common-people hysterics easier to deal with. With that, members of the jury, it’s ultimately up to you. Would you rather suffer through school to be a stuffy know-it-all or a backstabbing liar? I rest my case, your honor.
TOP Ten
Similarities Between Getting a Tattoo in a Kitchen and Getting a Hickey in Your Childhood Bedroom PHOTO By Stephen Lightfoot
The parents of the perpetrators reportedly tried defending their children, saying, “You know what they say, ‘kois will be kois.’” By Hanaa Moosavi
T
Staff Writer
here has been a recent discovery in an ongoing animal sightings investigation at the University of California, San Diego. The case began in the outskirts of San Diego county as San Diego Zoo officials handled reports from locals. Many people, including the mayor of the city, Kevin Faulconer, have called the local police stations reporting sightings of very large koi fish wandering about the town. The sightings reported the fish would create incidents and then quickly flee to avoid all human interaction when anyone from the town approached them. The fish would reportedly follow behind cars, hide in bushes, and wait to pounce on unsuspecting bystanders. Some victims report having their pants pulled down in public by the koi, while others reported simply smelling
fish food and being upset about it. For three weeks, various San Diego residents said they were “filled with fear and confusion” over the fish, wondering just what their purpose was. This sudden rush of fear launched an investigation by the police department and a research study by UCSD zoologists who reportedly wanted to take credit for finding a new species of fish. General Henry Richardson told reporters within the first week of reports: “We have separated the town into three different parts, all patrolled by officers in the precinct. We are taking this threat very seriously and have been working with the mayor to keep the town safe.” Soon after the police released a statement on the reportings, they discovered more “outrageous, crazy, some would even say quirky” antics the fish have been
involved in. The discovery of the koi’s true identities was made on Friday, May 3rd when a group of kindergarten students returning from a field trip to Balboa Park came to the station to make a report. “There was a trail of fish food, like, piles of it in a line, leading all around the middle of the big koi pond.” Reggie Kendrickson, fiveyears-old, told reporters. “We started following the piles, but didn’t notice any of the fish around. But then the incidents started happening.” Students reportedly had their hats stolen slyly and their shoes untied when busy looking at the flowers in the Balboa Gardens. The class’s teacher, Ellen Peterson, explained how the incidents impacted the trip. “We love to take the students to the Ruden H. Fleet Museum in the park because it teaches them so much about science
and all the cool things that can be done with science. Science is cool, am I right?” Richardson laughed before adding, “I only got a degree in English. Anyways, after many many years of taking the students to the museum, we had these menacing incidents, and it was all because of the koi! I just want to understand who is doing this to our children.” With the assistance of Peterson and various chaperones, General Richardson reported that they were able to find one of the koi, and unmasked it to be high schooler Dylan Somers. “I just wanted to prank my idiot little brother,” said Peterson, “and then my friends started joining in and just pantsing hella people everywhere and doing other super funny shit. And we would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling policemen!”
10. You gave them both to yourself 9. You thought you’d have to take more of your clothes off 8. They were immediately followed with a family dinner 7. You got an infection afterwards 6. The music didn’t really set the mood, but it was a pleasant experience overall 5. You had to pay a nickel to get it done 4. They involved too much teeth 3. Your mom disapproved 2. It was impressive that they got them in the shape of a heart 1. You and your girlfriend got matching ones
Just like mom used to make
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
June 5, 2019
theMQ.org
Starbucks Announces New Summer Frappuccinos To Retain Customers
Racquel’s Guide
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to Overcoming Sickness During Finals Week
Hey … my name’s Racquel, and like most you guys reading this guide, I’m sick as hell during the worst week possible. Don’t panic though, because I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve on how to get over your cold as soon as possible so you can go fail your CS final.
One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.” By Pilan Scruggs
W
Staff Writer
ith summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are rapidly increasing, according to the latest data from Instagram and Twitter. A large proportion of these posts feature the hashtag #starbucks, and to appease millennial demand, Starbucks recently unveiled four seasonal limited edition Frappuccino flavors: papaya, strawberry rhubarb, rose wine, and cheeseburger. The announcement reportedly triggered a wave of interest from consumers that has been described as a “tsunami of coffee-lovers” by stockholders. Even though the drinks will not be available until June 21st, reports are projecting five percent profit increases by the end of the quarter. “It’s all because we understand simple economics, supply and demand, or something like that,” said Jonathan
Robertson, a representative from one San Diego location. “I think they said something like that in high school. Anyways, all of these other places are wondering why they can’t pull a profit. They’re sitting around sucking their thumbs wondering why! The fact that their menu that hasn’t changed in a bazillion years isn’t attractive. Americano this, latte that. The sooner they realize millennials don’t want to actually taste their coffee, the better off they’ll be.” Robertson worked on the development of the new flavors, but he admitted that although it was “something to marvel at,” it was far from the romantic vision he’d previously held. “I used to imagine a design lab full of fancy equipment, intellectuals throwing out ideas, and chemists synthesizing the Frappuccino binders. It turned out to be a dozen people sitting in my boss’ dirty living room, eating Chipotle and drinking cheap beer.”
Robertson’s boss, Emily Harrisdottir, revealed that the reason for the new flavors was two consecutive weeks of declining sales. “Seattle told me to bang out some ideas within 24 hours, and I was already drunk, so I figured I might as well make a party out of it and invite some people over.” The workers supposedly generated a list of one hundred flavors in five minutes. Harrisdottir stressed that creating such an extensive list was essential, due to the strict selection process. “You’d be surprised what they’ve rejected before,” she said. “Our market research shows that 97 percent of Frappuccino drinkers are merely posers, meaning we can pretty much put out anything and it’ll sell just so people can Instagram it or whatever. Seattle acknowledges that, but they still forbid us from getting too out of control. Regrettably that means you won’t be sipping any durian, sugar cane,
PHOTO By Stephen lightfoot
or espresso Frappuccinos this summer.” Other rejected suggestions in the company’s history include barley, almond butter, high fructose corn syrup, baby back ribs, and bacon; but Harrisdottir hinted that rejections are saved and occasionally used in a pinch, using the Unicorn Frappuccino as an example. “It sort of felt like we were discussing Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans,” Harrisdottir admitted, “and I wanted the most outrageous suggestions to be selected. Sure, we could be relatively normal and design ‘reasonable’ flavors, and our profits would probably be just fine, but where’s the fun in that? Here at Starbucks, we consider three main factors: Instagramability, Tweetability, and Absurdity. It’ll be interesting to see how many venti Rose Frappuccinos are sold. I’m still surprised that got chosen over arroz con leche, but then again I guess they’re not always clear-headed in Seattle either.”
Briefing is such sweet sorrow Area Man Eagerly Awaits New Album From REtired Band
Area Woman Named Summer Prepared for Three Months of Dad Jokes
UCSD Happy With Giving Day, Will Implement UCSD Taking Day
UCSD Junior Ready for Farewell Tour
San Diego local Alex Peartlee has expressed excitement for the next studio album by the Canadian rock band Rash after listening to their 2012 album "Gearbox Devils" on a friend's AirPods. Unbeknownst to Peartlee, Rash officially retired in 2014. "I personally could not be more excited for Rash's next work," Peartlee exclaimed. "They have a really unique musical style, and there's no one today that has that same sound. It would probably be a worse tragedy than the Tiananmen Square Massacre of 1989 if I couldn't get more of this kind of music." "Rash? Oh, Rash! Didn't they write that 'Huckleberry Finn' song way back in the 80’s?" responded one passerby. "I didn't even know they made music in the 21st century. Weren't they already like 60-years-old in 1980?" Peartlee has reportedly refused to search anything related to Rash online in order "not to spoil the next album."
Local graduating UCSD senior Summer Irvine is reportedly preparing for a new season of jokes about her name. An informal study revealed that while jokes about the name Summer are frequent throughout the year, they have a spike in activity in midMay, and are correlated with warmer weather, meeting new people, and the parental status of the joke-maker. “It started when I was born,” Irvine said. “My mom wanted to know what my name should be, and my dad was like, ‘What time is it?’ And then he said it’s summer time. And now I have to live with that.” Other students named Summer reported similar struggles, like Summer Benson, a high school senior. “I have a collection of yearbooks that are filled with pages of people writing ‘Have a great summer, Summer,’ with a winky face. They all act like it’s a brand new joke, even though every person who signed it before them did the same thing.” Irvine continued to experience these issues while searching for employment: “At a job interview once, I introduced myself and the interviewer said, ‘You’re too early. It’s January.’ I mean, what am I supposed to do? Not laugh? I wanted the job. You know, later I found out his daughter was named Autumn. What a stupid name.”
After declaring the first annual UCSD Giving Day a success, administrators are implementing a new event called UCSD Taking Day. The heads of the event stated in an email: “Since you idiots actually bought into giving us more of your money when we charge you astronomical prices just to go here, we are sure you will have no problem when we come into your dorms by force and lift some of your most precious items.” According to the board, those who didn’t donate will be targeted first. A new policy written for UCSD Taking Day states: “We are committed to a non-violent removal of items. That is why as a safety measure each dorm will be detained and fingerprinted, under the watch of a SWAT K-9 Unit. There will be no resistance.” Jacy Esteves, leader of U-Resistance, declared: “They’ve sent three CSOs and a RA after us. Luckily, not a single authority has been able to figure out getting around us throwing a table down the stairs as they walk up it. This skirmish hasn’t been a flawless success though, they’ve taken my roommates arm when she couldn’t cough up enough cash from her wallet.”
Local third-year student Dave Gracey has reportedly been found “preparing for his farewell tour.” “It’s this stupid thing he’s planning on doing for his senior year at UCSD,” expressed Gracey’s roommate Emily Johnson. ”I just think he knows he is getting washed up as an artist and decided to call it quits and say it’s a ‘farewell tour.’” Gracey has confirmed that for the first leg of his tour he is not going to be attending any lectures or discussion, but will instead spend his time sleeping, eating, and leaving his room “every once in a while so Emily doesn’t think I’m, like, dead or anything.” Gracey spoke on how he has been preparing for it: “The other day I walked into a midterm and had to ask for a scantron, then a pencil 15 minutes later, and a calculator 15 minutes later.” “Thankfully he has been taking care of his health,” Johnson said. “Dave has been keeping to a strict diet of Regent’s Pizza, In-n-Out, and Panda Express. But he only felt physically ready for the long year of touring when he added in his shower beer regimen.”
An apple a day to keep your doctor away
Boxing gloves to beat the shit out of your cold A plane ticket to Canada because it’s cheaper to get healthcare there than with your insurance plan right now Pepper spray for when your sickness comes back
A scented candle to cover up the smell of vomit
Excuses to Give to Your Professor When You Can’t Make Your Final: “My dog gave me fleas” “I accidentally caught an allergy from my sister” “I can’t. I’m busy meeting The MQ every Tuesday, 6-7 p.m. at Half-Dome Lounge” “My shoes are really squeaky and I’m too embarrassed to walk” “I went back in time to make sure Hitler wasn’t born, but I got stuck in the year 1888”
theMQ.org
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March 13, 2019
Your San Diego experience doesn’t have to stop during the summer! Get ahead of the curve and avoid going back to your boring hometown by enrolling in UCSD Summer Session next quarter.
UCSD’s New Summer Session Classes EDS 189: Teaching Robots How to Love
COMM 119: Conversing on the Phone
Assignments
Reasons to Take This Class
Assignments
Reasons to Take This Class
Build a robot that runs off the energy of 80s love ballads
Siri hasn’t been responding to your calls
Set up a message for your voicemail
You want to screw your robot
Propose a response plan for a prank call from Seymour Butts
Your mother refuses to make your doctor appointments any longer
Compare and contrast the effects of dif- Humans are assholes anyways ferent types of lubrication on metal and don’t deserve your love Teach your robot how to auto-generate a booty-call
You’re recovering from a divorce
Return your grandmother’s calls, you dickwad
Switch the iPad’s language back from Korean to English Successfully teach her that she does not need to type “Google” in Safari Create an interactive guide on how to turn the wifi on and off
As far as you know, it’s the only way you can contact ET
LTEN 45: Trump’s Tweets and Society
CSE 6: Troubleshooting Mommy’s Technology
Assignments
You should probably know how to call 911 if your friend passes out
End a phone call with customer service representative without saying “I love you”
Teach your robot how to debug itself of STIs
You want to be caller nine on the radio contest for Ariana Grande tickets
Reasons to Take This Class
Assignments
Reasons to Take This Class
You want to be the favorite child
A group reading project will be assigned to you and your Fox and Friends
Political experience is not a prerequisite
You want to finally get your GameBoy back from her You never met your parents, so you want to know what it feels like to have them
Evaluate the significance of “SAD!” Analyze the social relevance of covfefe
You want her to stop emailing you to fix her FaceTime
Explain the logic behind lying about size
Turn off an alarm that she snoozed for 102,300 minutes
It can satisfy both your Political Science and Dystopian Literature degrees Retweeting only gives you 200400 characters to reply, but this class gives you essays There is no final because any information will be contradicted by Trump the morning of anyways
FAQ How can I pay for this? I was worried about being able to afford Summer Session, but I just had to be creative in order to get tuition money! During the day, I worked a minimum-wage job at the local Jack-in-the-Box, in the evenings I did Uber, Lyft, and Postmates, and then at night I sold nudes and feet pics for extra cash. And yes, I was able to do all of this while taking classes! Thanks to the counseling from UCSD staff members and the fistfulls of aderall, I was able to get extra credits without breaking the bank! Laya Fenton, 3rd Year Student
Am I eligible to apply?
Why should I take a Summer Session?
How Can Summer Session Help Your Life?
If you’re a UC San Diego student who enrolled in the previous academic year for at least one quarter, you’re eligible to enroll in Summer Session! If you’re a California resident, we encourage you to apply. If you’re an out-of-state or international student, we BEG you to apply. We’ve got a real funding crisis right now, and the more we can nickleand-dime the students who pay the most here, the better. Michael Farnsworth, Financial Aid Officer
Summer Session is an excellent opportunity to still feel like you’re being productive even though you got rejected from all of those summer internships you applied to. For only about $300 per unit, our exclusive courses teach you valuable skills to cope with your pathetic, friendless existence. Summer Session classes also give you an excuse to complain about your life and make the people around you feel sorry for you. Wanda McKinsey, Academic Advisor
Personally, Special Summer Session was probably the most important aspect of my higher education. It has helped me with getting a job, getting promoted, getting fired, picking my life back up — not really — falling into alcoholism. and now picking up odd jobs for booze money. Like this user review! I am happy with everything UCSD has given and later taken from me, and I am proud to have graduated from Summer Session! Josue Lash, UCSD Alumnus, ‘08