THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I’m the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.” -Stephen King, Author
School-approved summer reading
June 5, 2019
New Wave of Construction on Sixth Apartments Makes Students Exit onto I-5
Volume XXV Issue VII
In This issue Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
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Facebook Launches Stalking Feature
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sungod scrapbook XII
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Bernie Sanders to be Crucified and Resurrected polICE Capture human-sized koi fish
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News in Brief PHOTO By Jack Yang
“On the bright side, the construction went straight through Foodworx,” said one student who crossed the freeway and survived. Andrew Sitko
Social/Publicity Ottoman
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C San Diego has sent out another wave of emails notifying current and future residents of an extension of the construction zone over the summer and into the next school year. This extension envelops the entire area surrounding the Sixth Apartments up to the I-5 freeway running parallel to the school. Chancellor Khosla has announced the plans for this new area. “So all this upheaval of dirt for the railway has really inspired me to make use of all the unnecessary roadways and sidewalks leading into the Sixth Apartments. I recently went to Disneyland and I remembered my love for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. With all this free space, I plan to create an enormous
underground boat ride with little raccoon-sized boats and little raccoon animatronics, since the construction will have displaced their habitat. I think this is what UCSD really needs right now. Of course, students won’t be able to enter this facility, but I believe the mere thought that there are little boats teeming with raccoons floating underground is enough for the everyday student.” These new additions to the construction will come with some consequences for Sixth students, as the only accessible point into the apartments will be directly off the I-5 South freeway. There are no plans of creating a special exit for Sixth students off the freeway, and the speed limits will remain as posted. Anthony Jakubisin, Direc-
tor of Residence Life, has sent out a follow-up email with an apology, the second one of this school year. “Dear beloved Sixth College Residents, I received quite a bit of feedback for the last apology, especially regarding the parts where some of you said it looked like a prewritten apology, and the fact that the bright side I said to look forward to was inaccessible to any of you currently living here, because you are only guaranteed two years on campus. “The truth is: I hate you. All of you. You are whelps complaining to me as if I care. Khosla actually came to me and said we should still have a safe way for Sixers to access the apartments, and I turned that down. If you deserve to be a Sixer, you must pass through the trials of moving furniture off the side
of the freeway, running across the lanes to buy basic goods or catch your class. I have no care for your health or safety. Perish, Anthony Jakubisin.” Attempts to reach out to Sixers for their opinions failed after half of them refused to leave their apartments and the other half were too depressed to comment. After an unexpected minimal resistance, Khosla plans to expand these projects into the “more mentally stable” neighborhoods of Muir and Revelle. He left a short statement: “Pines will now be replaced with Ninth College, and Revelle shall be placed upon the cross as penance for not a single Revelle student reading the holy word.”
Graduating Pre-Law Student Ready to Become Written into Law; No Longer Just a Bill on Capitol Hill
Africa Vacation Allows Visitors to do the Things They Never Had I was called to Africa by a force that I almost can’t describe — it’s like I heard drums echoing. I had to run out of my apartment, but I was stopped by an old man along the way. He turned to me as if to say, “Hurry girl, it’s waiting there for you.” In that moment, I knew that I must do what’s right. I was told by my editor that I couldn’t leave the country for my little reviews column, but there was nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do to stop me from going. As
sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti, I had to do this for myself. Africa is incredible. The whole continent is teeming with a beauty that I could never have hoped to understand. I feel like I’ve been guided towards salvation. Truly, I’ve been blessed by the rains down in Africa. My only regret is that I had to lose my job as a reviewer to finally see what I had been missing all my life. It’s gonna take a lot to pull me away from you, Africa.
Sigma Chi Throws Party on Sinking Ship Despite an inspection that revealed that the hull is rapidly filling with water, the Iota Chi chapter of Sigma Chi at UCSD has continued to throw parties on a beta theta alpha tau, their boat docked in Mission Bay. The sinking vessel started to become a concern after several women reported nearly drowning at Sigma Chi boat parties. When asked about these allegations, Sigma Chi President Kyle Smith claimed “If they didn’t want to drown then they shouldn’t have worn nonbuoyant clothing.” Some Sigma Chi brothers reportedly deny that the water is even there at all. “It’s not even water, bro,” said
Sigma Chi member Garret Stensien while knee-deep in ocean water. “Yeah, sure it looks like water, and acts like water, but everybody nowadays is trying to label everything water. You’re going to ruin the reputation of the boat, dude.” Though Sigma Chi remains passive, the Interfraternity Council has made statements addressing the issue. Brian Reese, an IFC member, said, “This is a serious issue, and we want to do everything we can to make it look like we’re taking this seriously.” Reese has reportedly contacted Sigma Chi and instructed them to put duct tape over the hull damage.
Study Finds Microwave in Break Room Dripping in Chili PHOTO By jack yang
“What happens if I get vetoed? Do I die?” asked Brakelian when she was told she didn’t have the approval of President Trump. By Mishelle Arakelian Social/Publicity Chair
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raduating senior Nishelle Brakelian has completed her pre-law undergraduate degree and has officially vowed to be signed into law. Brakelian’s education included reciting the School
House Rock motto “knowledge is power” repeatedly as part of a seance that involved a shrine dedicated to Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s power and health. This seance evoked the hallmarks of United States constitutional law, aided by textbooks from the writing sequence of Thurgood Mar-
Local snails looking for love
They’re taking it slow
shall and Earl Warren College. Brakelian has worked to overcome the commonplace funeral pyre of congressional bills that is formally known as a “legislative committee bill-markup”. When questioned by reporters how she plans to receive bicameral support, and eventually the signature of the
president, Brakelian responded with a simple transfiguration from her fleshy human facade to a ream of white printer paper with illegible scribbles that included the name “JOHN HAMM-COCK” at the bottom.
See Pre-Law page 2
Jesus reincarnated Now attracts smaller crowds
Early this morning the communal microwave in the Scripps Medical Laboratory break room was found to be dripping in chili following its use by an unknown employee. The chili was discovered by a lab technician who declared the mess to be a workplace hazard, and subsequently enlisted the help of fellow researchers to find the individual who microwaved uncovered chili. Several scientists signed on to aid the search and offered their talents to track down the mess-maker so the culprit could clean the chili remnants. One forensic analyst, Jacob Lynt,
told reporters: “I took a few swabs of the microwave’s keypad and tried to pull some fingerprints from the handle of said microwave.” When asked if he thought it would be easier to just clean up the chili himself, Lynt said, “It’s not about ease. This is about justice.” Since the discovery of the chili, the break room has been sectioned off for further research. Many data analysts cannot agree on the identity of the person who created the mess in the microwave. However, nine out of 10 scientists agree with the conclusion that it’s fucking gross.
See BRIEFS, page 11