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October 30, 2019
Hitchcock’s “The Birds” Remake to Feature Bird Scooters
Volume XXVI Issue II
In This issue WHITE HOUSE HIRES PLUMBER TO FIX LEAKS
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MANLY FLAVORS OFFERED FOR NEW MALE BIRTH CONTROL
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POLITICAL PURSUIT: THE MQ CARD GAME
PHOTO By JACK YANG
Tickets for the movie start at $1, with 15 cents added per minute. By Pilan Scruggs
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Staff Writer
fter 56 years, the Master of Suspense’s 1963 thriller “The Birds” still frightens cinemaphiles to the core. With fowl frenzies, gruesome injuries, and pecked-out eye cavities, the film has held up exceptionally well and become a genre classic. Now, director Martin Evans has announced his intent to remaster the film with plans for a 2023 release date to coincide with the 60th anniversary of the original. Evans, until now primarily working as an assistant producer for suspense films, reportedly wrote a rough draft of the film the morning after a bizarre dream. “It was amazing, as if I’d had some vision from beyond or whatever. I was able to take what was on the border between a bad dream and a nightmare and turn it into what has the chance to be a pretty awesome movie.” Thus far, details are
scarce, but Evans has leaked that the “birds” of his take will be none other than Bird scooters, which have recently started appearing in major cities across the nation. Rather than having vicious winged avians attack innocent civilians, he says that he wants to suggest a reality where the electric scooters have a significant role in terrorizing the population. “Right away I thought of zombies riding them or having some other way that Bird scooters would contribute to a massive pandemic, but then that seemed a bit too ridiculous even by today’s standards,” Evans commented, “so now I’m considering a setting where anthropomorphic scooters remain hidden from society. Initially they just murder their riders by carrying them into traffic, off of bridges, or into other pedestrians. But when humanity realizes their sentience, they become
much more aggressive and just attack everybody regardless of whether or not someone is riding them.” Evans explained that he ideally wants to use Bodega Bay as the setting as a tribute to Hitchcock’s original film, but stressed that it was not essential. If Bodega Bay’s residents refused his offer, Evans said that his next choices would be San Francisco or Seattle since it would be “ironic to set the film in a city that prohibits their use.” “I’m trying to go for a nottoo distant future vibe,” Evans said. “The film will not include any crazy technological leaps in order to really resonate with the audience and scare them into believing that this is conceivable. Of my industry friends that I have contacted, so far most of them like the basic framework, so I don’t expect to have too much trouble getting funding.” When asked why he decid-
ed to turn his dream into a film instead of brushing it off, Evans revealed his intense loathing of electric scooters. “Most of the time people who ride them are way too reckless. They think they’re so high and mighty and that everybody else must yield to them. They’re also pretty much impossible to hear until someone flies past you at 40 mph and nearly rips your arm out of its socket.” Evans revealed that he hopes his film will be both a tribute to his favorite director and an attack on reckless riders. “Ultimately, it’s about creating the element of fear. Wouldn’t you be less inclined to ride a Bird after watching a movie where they terrorized the local population?” However, Evans had no comment as to his film’s potential to dissuade children from riding traditional scooters.
PHOTO By jack yang
Sources report a stressed out student was heard saying, “I have a midterm tomorrow. If I get the plague, then I get the plague.” By Melina Cruz
Staff Writer DH has determined a solution for the overflowing population of students who require on-campus housing. After rejecting expansion of land, stacking bunk beds on top of bunk beds, and placing mattresses on Sun God lawn, the Housing Community has
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decided on spreading a plague throughout the campus. “Here at UC San Diego, we pride ourselves in our readiness for any project imaginable,” said lab worker Diane Cortez. “We’ve managed to work endlessly for the past three months to bring back the Bubonic plague. We lost 10 lab workers in the process, but this is still a
very revolutionary moment.” The plague is to be spread amongst all of the housing complexes on campus, primarily focused on freshman dorms to “rule out the weak.” The strain will reportedly be weakened to avoid mass death or “planet destruction,” but the lab has stated they have “no promises about the final
UCSD WIFI POWERED BY NAKED MOLE RAT
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sOCAL MOMS POISON TREES for fall aesthetic
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News in Brief Meninists United Announces Petition to Rename “Herpes” to “Himpes” In response to the feminist movements’ emphasis on retelling herstory, prominent members from the meninist movement have decided that “it is our turn to reclaim a word.” Last week, Meninists United announced that they will officially be changing the name of the sexually transmitted disease “herpes” to “himpes.” Their mission statement for this project reads: “because men can have herpes, too.” Jordan Gordonson, an admin of the Facebook group “Meninism For All (men)” fully backs this change. “Women aren’t the
effects.” The plague, dubbed “Sun God’s Smite,” is expected to reduce the student population and overflow by almost 34 percent. “This is a good thing for both our housing crisis and for our school as a whole,” commented Chancellor Khosla.
See Plague page 2
Crashing plane prays to God
Local woman looks around too much
Prayers answered
Face now stuck that way
only ones who can have herpes,” he said, stretching in his “meggings” and sniffing a “mandle” on his desk, “it’s time we make STDs for men, too.” Meninists United’s petition, which has been shared over 10,000 times on Facebook, has received backlash from the medical community. Dr. Jonathan Pepper, an esteemed gynecologist, is confused by the meninist movement’s drive. “People can contract a sexually transmitted disease regardless of gender. I don’t even know why you’re asking me this.”
UCSD to Build Online Security System With Money Gained from Facebook Partnership Representatives from the UCSD Information Technology Services announced last Friday their plans to improve UCSD’s cybersecurity with funds secured from a partnership with Facebook. Trent Lou, a public representative for UCSD ITS, told reporters, “We have entered the 21st century where we are always in fear of our data being stolen and misused. We started working toward a secure future with our introduction of Two-Step Login. Unfortunately that only protects students from basic security breaches. But lucky for us, Mark Zuckerberg reached out to our esteemed university in the hopes that together we can create an
UCSD Announces New Solution to Student Housing Shortage: Plague
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online environment where students feel that their personal information is being protected.” Starting in 2020 UCSD students will be expected to create a Facebook account to verify their email address, phone number, and street address before they are given access to their grades and course websites. From there, students can opt-out of a Fit-Bit program that will record their location, dietary habits, sleeping patterns, and biological makeup. Lou told students, “The Fit-Bits are for university use, and Facebook has promised to keep that data confidential. For the right price.”
Khosla Announces Halloween Costume — Sexy Chancellor Last week Chancellor Khosla made a public apology regarding his previous year’s costume. “I’m dearly sorry for scaring some of you with my costume last year. I’ll try not to send you fake emails anymore; I’ve realized some of you can’t take a fucking joke.” After his apology, Khosla announced he has decided to dress up as a sexy chancellor this coming Halloween. “I want to try and show you how it’s done. Back in my day, I used to get all the ladies. I’m sure nothing’s changed, just don’t tell my wife.”
Khosla went on to say how he would be “showing off his guns,” and “not wearing a suit for once.” One student speculated that he would also “shave that ugly rug off of his face.” Others disagreed, with one claiming “it hides his face, so I don’t know if that’s the best idea.” Khosla responded to the student’s statement, saying: “I’m not gonna shave, I’m growing it out for No-Shave November. And it ain’t the only challenge I’m gonna attempt this month,” he added, winking.
See BRIEFS, page 11