THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I am your god, long may I reign.” -Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO
Remember to laugh responsibly
December 4, 2019
Suburban Mother Achieves Peak Fighting Physique After Training for Black Friday
Volume XXVI Issue III
In This issue Warren dining hall taken over by raccoons
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christmas karaoke night turns political
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the survival guide for family reunions
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Mother Refuses to Cater to vegan Daughter Local Student looks for Gerry Mandering
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News in Brief After preparing for Black Friday, Richards decided to enroll in another strength training program for Boxing Day. By Aniela Drumonde
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Staff Writer
amela Richards, mother of four and self-proclaimed “super shopper,” was perturbed in response to the hike in sales at her local Target. In what she proclaimed as going against certain parts of the Geneva Convention, chain stores from all around America had popular products like “Hearth and Heart 100% Recyclable Silverware” and “Dyson’s For Her Vacuum: Slim Fit Edition” slowly raise in price. This, Richards explained, is to make it so the massive clearance from Black Friday Sales is considered greater. Calling this an “outrage,” and
“morally incorrect,” Richards vowed revenge, and did so by buying even more from the stores that would “unlawfully milk” the monthly allowance given to her by her husband. “I would even go as far to say this type of scheme is un-American,” said Richards. “Doesn’t it feel like Communism? No one’s happy with this — not the workers or the customers. The only people getting anything out of this already have so much money. A soulless corporate drone who only wants to swindle as much as they can out of hard working American people. It’s just not right.” Fellow “Maxxinista Mother” Sharon Wallace also reportedly
professed disgust with the “inhumane” practices stores have implemented, and decided to start her Black Friday training regimen two weeks earlier than normal. “It’s usually just a week and a half of intensive cardio and an all-granola diet, but after the events of last year, when I lost a chunk of my hair and the ‘Buy 3 Get 6 Free: A Holiday Gift You Can Enjoy By the Sea’ lotion pack from Bath and Body Works, I just knew I had to be smarter. Faster. Deadlier,” Wallace said. When asked about what she will be doing with the purchases obtained from Black Friday, Wallace explained, “Well, some will be used as stocking stuffers, some will go to my family for
PHOTO By jack yang
Christmas, but mainly my best purchases will be framed and hung on my trophy case, along with broken earrings and bloody tufts of hair that I keep as spoils of war. Once, I even got a fake nail from a worker who was too slow opening the doors. The mindset I go into, the primal rage I have — these are the only things I have that keep me sane. I need this to ascend into my truest form.” The training, she claimed, also helped with her hot yoga class. She added, smiling, “I have trained my body to almost physical perfection. I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel human anymore.”
“Distant Relative ‘Cannot BELIEVE’ How Much You’ve Grown Since Last Christmas”
PHOTO By Jack yang
Leaked Republican Plan Aims to “Drown the Liberal Coasts” An anonymous source has recently revealed that a leaked Republican document detailed plans to accelerate global warming to “drown out all the damn liberal voters on the coasts.” Through an intercepted phone call, Senator Mitch McConnell was heard proposing a 20-year plan to significantly increase the rate of carbon emissions in the United States in order to melt the ice caps and raise sea levels by seven feet, thereby sinking the predominantly Democraticleaning coastal states like California and New York into the oceans. In the phone
call, Senator McConnell was reportedly heard saying, “We’d finally take back control of the House and remove those Pelosi-lovers,” before laughing ominously. Despite her party affiliation, Senator Elizabeth Warren was reportedly in favor of the plan by Mitch McConnell. She is heard in the recording saying, “Maybe if we sink the blue states, we could finally force all those young entitled urbanites in the swing states and make Ohio somewhat more tolerable again. If it doesn’t work, at least Florida is gone.”
Ice Cube Changes Stage Name to Water Ice Cube, a founding member of the hip-hop group N.W.A., has made waves in the news after announcing that he would be changing his professional name to Water after learning about climate change. The announcement, which was posted on Instagram, featured a screenshot of a page typed on the Notes app urging fans to take action. He captioned the post: “If the glaciers are melting, so will I.” Water claims that fans haven’t fully come around to his idea. When asked
about backlash, Water said, “Last week someone told me they loved my flow. But do they love how the glaciers are melting and flowing into the ocean?” “It’s inspiring to see a celebrity be so public about climate change in this day and age,” said Grandmaster Flash, a renowned DJ. “He’s encouraging others in the music industry to follow in his footsteps.” “Other rappers like Ice T need to raise awareness,” said Water. Ice T has not answered requests for a response.
After witnessing the growth of her grandnephew, Great Aunt Patty immediately went to work knitting 75 larger sweaters and cooking 32 times the original amount of food she normally would. By Stephen Lightfoot
Foreign Correspondent iting your improved stature, slight gain in weight, and quarter-inch longer hair, your Great Aunt Patty has recently proclaimed that you’re practically a brandnew person. Adding that she was “absolutely flabbergasted at how much you’ve changed” since the last time she saw you almost one year ago, Great Aunt Patty engaged in small
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talk about your life, which was met with non-answers or outright lies. “Christmas time is always special to me,” Great Aunt Patty explained. “I get to take a break from work, take a trip out to the coast, and see my sister’s kids, which is practically the whole reason I come. The other reason is I can drink heavily and pinch their cute little cheeks. Everyone thinks I pinch ‘em cause I’m drunk, but I just wanna
Local woman dresses as toilet
Self esteem is really down in the dumps
pinch some cheeks without being judged.” After Great Aunt Patty had re-filled her drink, she made her way to the living room for her bi-hourly bone-crushing hug, causing cousins on both sides of the family to flee. While some hid in the bathroom, others hid in plain sight, trying to eat all the cheese and crackers before being caught. “I know it’s important to love your family and all that,” said
one family member, playing Xbox while hiding in a room with other relatives. “And of course, I love Great Aunt Patty — she’s been part of the family for like, forever, and presumably will be for another two to three years. But I just wish she would stop with her constant physical assault-y displays of affection. I don’t
See Relative page 2
Local egg made with love
But not quite enough love
Democratic Debate Revealed to be Drinking Game Played by Candidates A leak from the office of the DNC described the November debate as a “drinking game to give the candidates a break from their busy schedules of traveling the country and throwing fundraising dinners with wealthy donors.” Sources later confirmed that while nearly all of the candidates were onboard, billionaire Tom Steyer was “too happy to be there to notice what was happening.” Candidates filled their
water bottles with White Claw to “further connect with the youth” and drank whenever Tulsi Gabbard repeated a “right-wing talking point,” Joe Biden “fumbled a sentence,” or whenever the crowd applauded a “clearly pre-written line.” After the event, every participant was reportedly rushed to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Hospital staff were reportedly heard saying, “Wow, they’re even worse when they’re drunk.”
See BRIEFS, page 11