THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
“I am your god, long may I reign.” -Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO
Remember to laugh responsibly
December 4, 2019
Suburban Mother Achieves Peak Fighting Physique After Training for Black Friday
Volume XXVI Issue III
In This issue Warren dining hall taken over by raccoons
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christmas karaoke night turns political
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the survival guide for family reunions
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Mother Refuses to Cater to vegan Daughter Local Student looks for Gerry Mandering
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News in Brief After preparing for Black Friday, Richards decided to enroll in another strength training program for Boxing Day. By Aniela Drumonde
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Staff Writer
amela Richards, mother of four and self-proclaimed “super shopper,” was perturbed in response to the hike in sales at her local Target. In what she proclaimed as going against certain parts of the Geneva Convention, chain stores from all around America had popular products like “Hearth and Heart 100% Recyclable Silverware” and “Dyson’s For Her Vacuum: Slim Fit Edition” slowly raise in price. This, Richards explained, is to make it so the massive clearance from Black Friday Sales is considered greater. Calling this an “outrage,” and
“morally incorrect,” Richards vowed revenge, and did so by buying even more from the stores that would “unlawfully milk” the monthly allowance given to her by her husband. “I would even go as far to say this type of scheme is un-American,” said Richards. “Doesn’t it feel like Communism? No one’s happy with this — not the workers or the customers. The only people getting anything out of this already have so much money. A soulless corporate drone who only wants to swindle as much as they can out of hard working American people. It’s just not right.” Fellow “Maxxinista Mother” Sharon Wallace also reportedly
professed disgust with the “inhumane” practices stores have implemented, and decided to start her Black Friday training regimen two weeks earlier than normal. “It’s usually just a week and a half of intensive cardio and an all-granola diet, but after the events of last year, when I lost a chunk of my hair and the ‘Buy 3 Get 6 Free: A Holiday Gift You Can Enjoy By the Sea’ lotion pack from Bath and Body Works, I just knew I had to be smarter. Faster. Deadlier,” Wallace said. When asked about what she will be doing with the purchases obtained from Black Friday, Wallace explained, “Well, some will be used as stocking stuffers, some will go to my family for
PHOTO By jack yang
Christmas, but mainly my best purchases will be framed and hung on my trophy case, along with broken earrings and bloody tufts of hair that I keep as spoils of war. Once, I even got a fake nail from a worker who was too slow opening the doors. The mindset I go into, the primal rage I have — these are the only things I have that keep me sane. I need this to ascend into my truest form.” The training, she claimed, also helped with her hot yoga class. She added, smiling, “I have trained my body to almost physical perfection. I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel human anymore.”
“Distant Relative ‘Cannot BELIEVE’ How Much You’ve Grown Since Last Christmas”
PHOTO By Jack yang
Leaked Republican Plan Aims to “Drown the Liberal Coasts” An anonymous source has recently revealed that a leaked Republican document detailed plans to accelerate global warming to “drown out all the damn liberal voters on the coasts.” Through an intercepted phone call, Senator Mitch McConnell was heard proposing a 20-year plan to significantly increase the rate of carbon emissions in the United States in order to melt the ice caps and raise sea levels by seven feet, thereby sinking the predominantly Democraticleaning coastal states like California and New York into the oceans. In the phone
call, Senator McConnell was reportedly heard saying, “We’d finally take back control of the House and remove those Pelosi-lovers,” before laughing ominously. Despite her party affiliation, Senator Elizabeth Warren was reportedly in favor of the plan by Mitch McConnell. She is heard in the recording saying, “Maybe if we sink the blue states, we could finally force all those young entitled urbanites in the swing states and make Ohio somewhat more tolerable again. If it doesn’t work, at least Florida is gone.”
Ice Cube Changes Stage Name to Water Ice Cube, a founding member of the hip-hop group N.W.A., has made waves in the news after announcing that he would be changing his professional name to Water after learning about climate change. The announcement, which was posted on Instagram, featured a screenshot of a page typed on the Notes app urging fans to take action. He captioned the post: “If the glaciers are melting, so will I.” Water claims that fans haven’t fully come around to his idea. When asked
about backlash, Water said, “Last week someone told me they loved my flow. But do they love how the glaciers are melting and flowing into the ocean?” “It’s inspiring to see a celebrity be so public about climate change in this day and age,” said Grandmaster Flash, a renowned DJ. “He’s encouraging others in the music industry to follow in his footsteps.” “Other rappers like Ice T need to raise awareness,” said Water. Ice T has not answered requests for a response.
After witnessing the growth of her grandnephew, Great Aunt Patty immediately went to work knitting 75 larger sweaters and cooking 32 times the original amount of food she normally would. By Stephen Lightfoot
Foreign Correspondent iting your improved stature, slight gain in weight, and quarter-inch longer hair, your Great Aunt Patty has recently proclaimed that you’re practically a brandnew person. Adding that she was “absolutely flabbergasted at how much you’ve changed” since the last time she saw you almost one year ago, Great Aunt Patty engaged in small
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talk about your life, which was met with non-answers or outright lies. “Christmas time is always special to me,” Great Aunt Patty explained. “I get to take a break from work, take a trip out to the coast, and see my sister’s kids, which is practically the whole reason I come. The other reason is I can drink heavily and pinch their cute little cheeks. Everyone thinks I pinch ‘em cause I’m drunk, but I just wanna
Local woman dresses as toilet
Self esteem is really down in the dumps
pinch some cheeks without being judged.” After Great Aunt Patty had re-filled her drink, she made her way to the living room for her bi-hourly bone-crushing hug, causing cousins on both sides of the family to flee. While some hid in the bathroom, others hid in plain sight, trying to eat all the cheese and crackers before being caught. “I know it’s important to love your family and all that,” said
one family member, playing Xbox while hiding in a room with other relatives. “And of course, I love Great Aunt Patty — she’s been part of the family for like, forever, and presumably will be for another two to three years. But I just wish she would stop with her constant physical assault-y displays of affection. I don’t
See Relative page 2
Local egg made with love
But not quite enough love
Democratic Debate Revealed to be Drinking Game Played by Candidates A leak from the office of the DNC described the November debate as a “drinking game to give the candidates a break from their busy schedules of traveling the country and throwing fundraising dinners with wealthy donors.” Sources later confirmed that while nearly all of the candidates were onboard, billionaire Tom Steyer was “too happy to be there to notice what was happening.” Candidates filled their
water bottles with White Claw to “further connect with the youth” and drank whenever Tulsi Gabbard repeated a “right-wing talking point,” Joe Biden “fumbled a sentence,” or whenever the crowd applauded a “clearly pre-written line.” After the event, every participant was reportedly rushed to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Hospital staff were reportedly heard saying, “Wow, they’re even worse when they’re drunk.”
See BRIEFS, page 11
theMQ.org
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December 4, 2019
New Trump Healthcare Program Supplies Public With Healing Crystals
Staff Writer n January 2020, the Trump administration will roll out its newest healthcare program, which supplies citizens with “healing crystals.” This new program came after nationwide criticism of President Trump’s 2018 “American Patients First” health care program. Before putting the crystal policy in motion, President Trump tweeted, “Oh, so you guys didn’t like my Healthcare Plan? You bitches can fight over some crystals now. At least it’s still better than ObamaCare … #MAGA.” President Trump claims he got the idea for the plan after seeing a blog post by the group “You Could Have Had a Bad Witch” from Portland, Oregon. The group claims
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that they are Portland’s only “all Wiccan smoke circle.” According to the group’s founder, Gullveig Moore, “‘You Could Have Had a Bad Witch’ is an inspired group. We aren’t just outcasted emo high schoolers drowning their daddy issues in protection spells, we are a Hierarchical Gardnerian Wiccan Coven. So when we say we know our crystals, you know we goddamn mean it.” Moore was a fundamental figure in creating and implementing crystal related governmental policy. “I’m very happy to be a part of Trump’s Crystal Reformation and Healing Act. Of course, this act won’t be able to provide free crystals for Americans, but it will be able to offer needy people majestic stones
for about $11 a crystal, which is an astounding discount.” Gullveig Moore’s sister, Jennifer Moore, says, “I thought Gullveig was just always going to be that weird aunt who made Thanksgiving dinner super uncomfortable for the rest of the family. But, I don’t know now … this Thanksgiving, she refused to eat unless we let her keep her dab pen and her amulet on the table. But at least now this little hobby is inspiring real political action.” Gullvieg claims that “Western doctors are really overlooking the physical and metaphysical healing properties of crystals. Physical ailments are really just corruptions of the spiritual aura. For example, if someone is complaining about something
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want to be drop kicked into a cheek kiss every time she comes over for the holidays.” “I may be in the minority here, but I think it’s sweet how much Great Aunt Patty cares,” remarked Uncle Drew, taking a long sip of his fifth eggnog-and-brandy cocktail. “We all have our vices. Mine is that I enjoy the occasional drink, and Great Aunt Patty’s vice is loving people too much. Is that a sin? I think not. Hell, Uncle Jeremy is addicted to crack. Did we cast him out? I mean, we did when he brought his dealer to Thanksgiving dinner. But he was back for Thanksgiving the very next year. Isn’t that what family’s all about?” After gathering everyone for dinner, Great Aunt Patty dropped all pretense of small talk, and proceeded to ask incredibly sensitive and deep questions to everyone aged 18 to 22 years-old. Topics included school, social friendships, and sex lives. “She said that since I got so tall, I must be a real lady’s man, you know?” said Albert, a distant relative and first-year
at University of Puget Sound. “And so, I said yeah, kind of. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the best time to come out as bi.” After several elongated silences at dinner, gentle coughs, and wholehearted acceptance of Albert’s sexuality, Great Aunt Patty made a post-dinner announcement about how much she had enjoyed the time the family spent together. “I know I can only make it down once or twice every year, but that’s always seemed like such a shame to me,” Great Aunt Patty began. “That’s why I’ve made the decision to move closer to you guys, so I can see everyone more often!” Despite well-wishes all around, one younger relative seemed apathetic to the news, later remarking that “If we see her every other week, maybe she won’t talk so much about how much I’ve grown. Or maybe — no, she’ll definitely still harass me about my height.” Construction plans for an Aunt-proof bunker are reportedly under way.
PHOTO By jack yang
Doctors are encouraging patients to look at their prescribed crystals at least twice a day. By Beans Cox
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like cancer, they should really try using amazonite or garnet stones before seeing an actual doctor.” Ruppert Bates, a 58 year-old man from Montana who is diagnosed with stage three pancreatic cancer, has a different perspective. When Bates could no longer afford his chemotherapy costs, he was put in a trial group for Moore and her team. Bates claims, “I was a third grade teacher before this, y’know. I didn’t realize how bad my healthcare was before I got diagnosed. I had to retire early and now I just can’t foot the bill for chemo anymore. Today some lady in a MAGA hat smoking a blunt gave me an amethyst … This country is fucked.”
We sold our soul for satire
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge. facebook.com/ucsdmq | themq.org
Editor-in-Chief..............................Jay Noonan Managing Editor......................Dan Kaliblotzky Content Editor............................Steven Zhou Content Editor.......................Dexter Hamilton Design Editor.............................Miranda May Design Editor.............................Natalia Nenn
Graphics Editor..............................Jack Yang Copy Editor.............................Adian Valdez
Lost in thought. And the supermarket. Mom, come find us. Tuesdays at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.
The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.
All content is copyright © 2019 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. Happy holidays everyone! This has been an awesome production and I’m super proud of all the good work we’ve seen from the staff members and future editors. Content seemed to fly by with fresh ideas and it was great letting people try out positions they were interested in. Everyone did an amazing job and I look forward to continuing to work with many of them as new editors in the following months. I want to thank MCC for continuing to support our org, we couldn’t do this without them. And finally, thank you to everyone who’s come out to production, come to our meetings this quarter, or submitted articles. Y’all rock! -Jay
Adriana Aguilar Katlyn Andrade Bri Arce Ayushi Banjerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Isaac Canada Valeria Castro Jade Coniglio Ethan Coston Beans Cox Melina Cruz
Social/Publicity Chair..............Andrew Sitko Distribution Captain..............Adam Yoshinaga Foreign Correspondent.......Stephen Lightfoot
MQ Fairy Godmother...................Sage Cristal MQ Trophy Husband......David Vereau-Gorbitz MQ Bumbling Dad..........................Chris Jin MQ Indecisive Relative...................Jessica Ma Muir Advisor............................ Nathan Harper
Staff Members
Aniela Drumonde Kayla DuPont Tiffany Hamilton Rowan HernandezCosme Jan Hsiao Andrew Keller Daniel Kupor Jina Lee Haana Leung Heather Lim Matthew Miltimore
Keshav Mittal Hanaa Moosavi Chester Ni Elizabeth Niculescu Kaz Nuckowski Avaneesh Pentaparthy Massimo Quintero Robert Renfro Sharon Roth Isabelle Rupani Luis Alex Sanchez
Booster Club
Pilan Scruggs Ronak Shah Ram Sivapalan Vanessa Tian Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco Silver Wallace Sarah Wernher Jerry Wu Kate Zegans
Ho, ho, ho! I’ve got a list, and I’m checking it twice! It’s all of the MQers this production that were nice! The sweet on-campus children Jack, Andrew, ADIAN, Bri, Kate, and Sharon left out some dining dollars and cookies (Oreos, of course) for me to snack on after the long ride down Tuolomne’s chimney. Speaking of cookies, thanks Haana for the assortment (and the coffee), and to David for the deluxe fudge-covered oreos (and the soda. Shoutout to sprite cranberry). Thanks to Jerry for decking the halls with watermelon, and to Sage, Ethan, Andrew, Aniela, and Steven for various other snacks. And thanks to Natalia validating my decision to add Golden Oreos to the stockpile (POV: Santa, but written by a Jewish guy who just really likes Oreos)
theMQ.org
December 4, 2019
Warren Dining Hall Reopening Delayed by Raccoon Takeover
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POINT Dear Santa, why didn’t I get any presents this year? William Wu
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PHOTO By jack yang
Despite concerns that the new food being served would be contaminated by rabies, various Warren students said that had always been a concern. By Melina Cruz Staff Writer
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he reopening of Warren College’s Canyon Vista dining hall came to a halt Sunday, October 13, when what one Literature major described as an “alarmingly adorable platoon of raccoons” charged into the building. Despite students eagerly awaiting its arrival for nearly six months, the dining hall now stands empty of students and full of critters. In hopes of reclaiming the dining hall, Warren college students have offered all they have, including stale donuts, spare garbage, and a flock of narcissistic engineering students. “It happened the very first day, I remember being in line for that sweet succulent fusion grill food. I was ready for the restaurant-quality
food of HDH’s latest gourmet creation to finally reach my tongue,” said Andrew Lanes, a student living in the Warren apartments. “Suddenly we saw this black mass charging the door. At first I thought maybe the sun had finally burned out, but then I realized the mass was furry and striped and it broke through the door and started destroying everything! The whole dining hall became a raccoon fast food restaurant. I swear one of them started trying to take my order. And they’re probably not even paying him minimum wage.” The raccoons were reportedly wearing tiny army hats, with a singular raccoon wearing a battered general hat. “Seriously. I’ve never seen them run this fast before,” a nearby RA had commented. “Even the free donuts didn’t move their legs as fast as those raccoons did.”
The majority of students escaped unharmed, but junior Janet Clarkson was “tragically lost in the flurry of black and white.” According to her roommates, she was an Environmental Systems major, and may have thrown herself into the fray on purpose. Others have stated they’ve caught sight of her prowling around the space, acting as a manager to the raccoons. “She did always say she loved the raccoons. She’d call them her second family, which is pretty weird in hindsight,” said her roommate. “She said she wanted to participate in their ecosystem or something like that. Even the whole idea of having to eat trash for the rest of her days didn’t faze her. I doubt this’ll count as internship experience though.”
The San Diego Police Department released a statement later that weekend stating the incident was out of their jurisdiction, and “supremely wack.” Despite various student-run Dungeons & Dragons campaigns simulating a raid of “Trashicus’s Treacherous Racoon Base,” there are no plans so far to infiltrate the base and take the dining hall back into human ownership. Warren resident life has announced plans for food trucks to return for the students’ sustenance, as well as “Help Undernourished Warren Students” donation bins in other colleges’ markets for daily essentials. “To be fair, it’s not all that bad,” says Lanes. “Now they’ve taken over the grill with their cute little raccoon hands, and honestly, the food’s a lot better.”
Local Laptop Has Existential Crisis After Being Put on Desk, Starts Lifestyle Blog
Big Boy
ear Santa, My name is Bill, and I have a question to ask you. Why didn’t I get any presents this year? I really wanted a red car this Christmas, and I even asked you at the mall last week, but I think one of your elves forgot to send it to you or something? (speaking of which, why didn’t you let me sit in your lap like you used to let me?) Anyways, I asked my mom what I should do, and she told me to write another letter to you to ask what happened and tell you how good I was this year. The first thing I want to say is I was super-duper good with my words. I hardly ever said a bad word this year, even to my mom whenever she calls me during work or my friends who all think I talk like a baby. When a song that has a lot of beeping and potty words in it comes on on the radio, I always turn the channel to something that Jesus would like, like the Christian rock channel or Lizzo. I also did a very good thing this past week and helped my
parents do chores. My dad only had to ask me twice before I stopped playing World of Warcraft and did my dishes. I even put our wet clothes into the dryer when my mom forgot about the laundry (I didn’t turn on the dryer though. Mommy told me not to randomly press all the buttons all over it, so I didn’t press any! I’ve been so, so good this year). I hope you get this letter soon and realize I’ve been a good boy for the whole year. Also just a reminder, the red car I want is a Mini Cooper. Sincerely, Bill
COUNTERPOINT You’re 35, Bill Nicholas Claus
Exhausted, Glorified Mailman
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ear William, You are a 35 year-old man. You cannot keep doing this. I have tried to keep a jolly mindset with you, but at this point I am completely spent. Not only are you more than 20 years older than my key demographic, but you have been very, very naughty. And not even in the fun way. When you visited me last week at the mall, I wouldn’t let you sit on my lap because you had visible chip stains on your sweatpants. I know it’s just a mall, but William, my man, please have some more self-respect. Look, my diet is like 60% cookies and I’m pretty sure I’ve got lower blood sugar than you! Learn to cook, dude. I see you when you’re sleeping, and you need to stop using bulk Top Ramen boxes as furniture. It clashes with your race car bed. Also, I really don’t give a shit what words you use. That’s not even one of my rules,
parents just say it’s one of mine so their kids won’t cuss them out all the time. Nonetheless, I respect the restraint. What I absolutely do not respect at all is the baby voice. You majored in English Literature, William. Please talk like an adult. Sure, it was nice of you to help with dishes, and I appreciate your attempt at laundry. Because of your initiative I offer you one gift: attached to this letter you’ll find a voucher for one free copy of Doing Chores for Dummies, you’re welcome. Ho ho ho and all that jazz, Nicholas
TOP Ten
Similarities Between Astrologists and Politicians My Laptop later shared that its crisis could not be solved by turning itself off and on again. By Dan Kaliblotzky
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Managing Editor
ocal laptop “My Laptop,” a Lenovo Thinkpad X390, recently started a blog documenting the changes in their worldview after they were put at a permanent position at UCSD first-year George Cortez’s desk in the Tuolumne apartments. The blog, titled Desk Potato, includes weekly posts, a “What Would My Laptop Do (WWMLD)” section, and a 24-hour stream of Cortez’s dorm window. “It’s helped me process this unexpected environment,” wrote My Laptop in an early post. “Without this blog, I’d still be a naive, fresh-out-the-factory laptop, scared of life outside the laptop case. The thing is, I always expected a life of portability. I was going to see the world! But when I opened myself up for the first time, I was struck with piercing, bloodshot eyes
peering through a cloud of cheeto dust! I’ve been here ever since. I felt some fingers making visible smudges on my screen today, and it didn’t scare me nearly as much as I thought it would. I’m making strides every day.” Desk Potato has been met with response from other laptops in similar positions. X, a Surface Pro X, is currently serving as a backup device for second-year Sandra Liu. A resident of the top shelf of Liu’s closet since September 2019, X used a brief connection to the UCSD-PROTECTED network to comment on one of My Laptop’s posts. “Sandra only uses me when her Mac dies, and then I just go back to the closet after she orders a new charger through me. It feels dirty. She doesn’t even take advantage of my two-inone feature! I LONG to stretch my detachable keyboard and function as a sleek tablet with
superior processing power!” X is reportedly a frequent contributor to WWMLD, most recently submitting the question “If a laptop falls in a closet, does it really make a boot-up noise?” Cortez’s reasoning behind keeping My Laptop stationed at his desk was revealed in an interview by reporters. “Dude, that laptop is gross. It’s all dusty and has a sticker of my high school’s mascot on it. It’s so embarrassing.” Cortez was referring to a smiling humanoid tiger located directly above a sticker of a blushing coffee mug surrounded by the text “but first, coffee.” Most of the remaining space on My Laptop is covered by logos of various tech companies and classic rock bands overlapping each other. A decal of The Office character Pam dressed as Snow White is positioned as if cradling an apple placed in the center. “It was meant for a
PHOTO By Sharon roth
Mac,” Cortez explained, “but it just looks like she’s cradling the rolling stones tongue.” My Laptop recently announced a new element of “desk life” in a Desk Potato post. It reads: “So… I’ve been seeing someone. They’re a desktop from North County, and it’s going great! We relate on so many levels. Being on a desk, the texture of being on a desk, feeling the heat of being put on a desk for so long.” My Laptop continued the post by showing “selfies” the two computers had sent to each other. One photo uploaded to the @DeskPotato account shows My Laptop’s keyboard with the character’s blurred to refrain from breaking Tumblr’s terms of service. The caption reads, “You can take the laptop out of the lap, but you can’t take the laptop off of Tumblr for having female-presenting keys!”
10. They’re both big fans of Ronald Reagan 9. They’re both paid too much for what they do 8. We know it’s all bullshit, but it’s fun to believe 7. Their parties aren’t as fun as they sound 6. They both don’t talk about Cancer enough 5. Neither of them listen to scientists 4. They rely too much on stereotypes 3. They both ran New York in the 20th century 2. They both make promises they can’t keep 1. For some reason they have three houses
Currently looking for sponsorships
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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December 4, 2019
theMQ.org
Christmas Karaoke Night Turns Political
EDITORIAL
A Reflection on the Past Decade Shows That Things Really Are Improving
By Maggie Wang
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PHOTO By Jack Yang
When arrested, Karen Fletcher reportedly yelled to her daughter, “When I get out on parole, you are SO grounded!” By Ayushi Banerjee
Staff Writer n Sunday, December 1, the La Jolla Police Dept. had to intervene at a Christmas karaoke night when a political debate escalated out of control. Sue Fletcher, an 86 year-old grandmother, had invited her children and their families to her home for a night of Christmas carols in what is reportedly a “beloved family tradition.” The conversation at the karaoke night allegedly got out of hand when politics were introduced to the mix. “This happens every year, but I can never stop feeling shocked about it,” Fletcher said, wiping tears away. “I just wanted to sing White Christmas.” Other family members later reported that it was “definitely a very white Christmas.” LJPD received a call at 10:43 p.m. from one of Fletcher’s granddaughters, claim-
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ing that her family was “going crazy.” Bradley Hooper, the first-responding officer, said, “There was screaming and crying in the background, and this girl sounded panicked, so we rushed out to the house. Although the situation did not turn out to be as violent as we expected, I think it was good for everyone that we came when we did — they were about to discuss the Confederate flag.” Officer Hooper went on to describe the scene. According to his testimony, Officer Hooper “saw a woman standing on her chair and shouting at a man who was aggressively banging his ‘MAGA’ hat on the table in rhythm with the twentieth repeat of ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’” The officers arrested the woman, who was later identified as Karen Fletcher, and threatened to arrest the man with the
MAGA hat, Ryan Fletcher, her husband. Sue Fletcher’s oldest granddaughter, Kayleigh Rider, spoke about calling the police. “I wasn’t gonna do anything until my aunt Karen started harping about what a good idea that goddamn wall would be. That’s when I thought to myself, ‘enough is enough.’ Every year I put up with these fossils talking politics as if they haven’t ruined the nation for us kids. I was just gonna repress my rage as always, until I remembered they all hate me anyway. So I called the cops, and I don’t regret it one bit.” Rider is currently “grounded until she leaves for college” in two years. Bob Wellington, Sue Fletcher’s son-in-law, commented on the state of the night: “It was utter chaos. I love my wife, but I’ll be damned if her family isn’t insane. By the end of it, Susan’s
mom was crying, the dog ran away, and that goddamn Karen woman was standing on her chair screaming at her brother. But the worst part was that the carolers at our door were just staring through it all. They did sing an impressive ‘Jingle Bell Rock’, though.” Sue Fletcher’s brother was the only person to report a positive experience. “It’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in years! This definitely beats the time Bob choked on Sue’s Thanksgiving turkey because it was so dry, and then Karen yelled at the ER lady about the war on Christmas. Oh, and I still have scars from when Ryan threw the ham carving knife after Kayleigh tried to tell him Obama was born in America. Anyways, what I’m saying is that it’s great to see this family making progress, and I can’t wait for next year!”
Spot the Difference
It’s 2057 and Disney has officially monopolized all media organizations around the world. A lot of things have changed ever since Big Mouse has taken over. Here’s a snapshot of the same scene before and after the Mousepocalypse. Can you spot all the differences?
Prolific Blogger
ith the year of optometry rapidly approaching, many of you are reminiscing on the past decade and wondering what will happen next. Some of you, in true Y2K fashion, believe that the world will end when we reach 2020, and some of you hope it will. However, I encourage all of you to quit sulking and welcome the new year eagerly, because the world has improved and is definitely worth living in. I mean, this decade I went from an asinine tech job at my dad’s company to managing this blog, an Etsy for The Office stickers, and a verified Twitter account! The 2010s have been great for me, so obviously they have to have been good for the world too. Don’t be swayed by how easy it is to be negative, pessimistic, cynical, you name it! Look at the good things in life, and realize that it’s not half bad. Perhaps it is not as idyllic as suggested by Kelsey’s Disneyland trip photos, (we get it, your dog is really cute and they sell tiny Swarovski Mickey ears now, but not everyone needs to see it, KELSEY) but it’s not like the world is going to end. We’re all happy and having fun, right? At least, for the most part? Also, can you believe that at this time in 2010 Katy Perry’s “Firework” was at the top of the Hot 100 list? Granted, she’s kind of gone downhill now, but the list itself hasn’t. On the topic of music, how about Kpop’s explosion? Did we actually let “Gangnam Style” be the most viewed Youtube video for five years? Nowadays, thanks to groups like EXO and Twice,
Koreans have proved that they aren’t all in secret dictatorships or having elevator dance parties. Luis Fonsi doubled down on the notion that maybe English speakers don’t always want to understand the lyrics in their pop songs. And don’t forget that the Harlem Shake dominated Youtube before superior dance forms phased it out, including whipping, dabbing, and liking tweets with abnormally long nails. But to shift gears, what about our beloved cell phones? We used to drool all over our sliding keyboard Blackberry phones and tiny Apple devices because texts no longer required wrestling with a number pad for an hour. Now I have an iPhone XS Max in a case with massive bunny ears, and I wouldn’t want it any different even if my pockets were big enough to hold a phone. And who wants to type or draw a password when you can just sell your face and fingerprint to your phone? Never mind who’s on the receiving end! My mom said she saw information surfacing in strange corners on the Internet, but it’s spreading my influence so it’s fine. Finally, let’s appreciate how far technology has progressed. Loads of people whine that it is encroaching too much on our lives, but I would argue they’re missing the point. American schools use iPads and Chromebooks to “enhance the classroom experience,” which really means to mask the shortcomings of Common Core (sorry Americans, we’ll always be behind). Everybody used to care so much about TVs, but thanks to Netflix, HBO, and now Disney+, with just my computer and credit card I can escape my roommate’s judgement when I binge “The Good Place!” Oh, and also, virtual reality went from super clunky headgear that simulated a lousy world to slightly less clunky headgear with way cooler universes. If you still refuse to believe what I’ve said, just go hide in there like in “Ready Player One” or something. It’s probably better for everyone.
“I Decree Ye is King”
BY Bri Arce, Hanaa Moosavi, Andrew sitko & Ram Sivapalan
December 4, 2019
theMQ.org
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Brexit Delayed Until 2045
Experts Recommend Daylight Roth IRA Over Daylight Savings
PHOTO By silver wallace
Half of the protest reportedly failed to show up because they “fell forward” instead of “falling back.” PHOTO By Jack Yang
While there was a referendum on whether or not Boris Johnson should be tarred and feathered, everyone who would have voted “no” stayed at home. Bri Arce
Staff Writer
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arly Thursday morning, representatives of the European Union revealed plans for another Brexit extension through a tweet, the modern mode of conducting international political discourse. Sensing the unlikelihood of a successful Brexit plan in the near future, President of the European Council Donald Tusk tweeted: “In order to avoid the hassle of Prime Minister Boris Johnson groveling at our feet for many small deadline extensions, we decided that it was best to preemptively extend the deadline to 2045 so we have more time to figure out how
to best ignore our deeply rooted subsidy corruption.” British talks about exiting the EU, beginning in 2016, have slowly but surely become more divided. According to an official spokesperson for Parliament, “The House of Commons shares an increasing amount of similarities with a chimp cage as seen through the fecal deposits found on the desks of the members who attempt to make concessions on the deal. The general consensus is that Parliament has become a semi-warzone since the presence of cholera has prompted all members of parliament (MPs) to only wear Hazmat suits. The emotional toll Brexit proceedings have taken on MPs has led
to these sorts of bizarre occurrences.” Some visitors to Parliament even reported observing some of the representatives spike their own tea in order to get through the debates leading up to the vote. After three years, the British negotiators and the European Union have yet to produce a plan that is acceptable to Parliament, and political analysts have suggested that new Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a major reason for this. A case study from the United States shows that “international policies presented by old, conservative men with floppy blond hair and an inflated ego” do not go over well with foreign governments. British citizens report the study to be
consistent with their lives, with one chiming in, “Oi mate, at least my hair doesn’t look like a mop of straw on me head.” This critically thought-out and politically conscious response is one example of the nuanced understanding of politics evident in the modern world. PM Boris Johnson had planned to pass his Brexit plan by October 31, saying he’d rather “end up “dead in a ditch” than extend the deadline for a third time. Johnson has yet to make his ditch debut, and the people of Britain are reportedly just as impatient as Johnson was to see him follow through on his promise.
Area Mom Challenges Eminem to Wrap Battle
By Quoc Tran
Staff Writer n November 3, residents across San Diego County changed their clocks back an hour to save on daylight. Unlike many others, however, Sarah Krakaowski turned her clocks forward, in an “act of defiance” against the county. The 42 year-old widow and native of Escondido turned her clocks forward 42 hours, one for “every hour that they’ve made me lose throughout my whole life.” Krakowski reportedly could not seem to grasp the concept that turning her clocks forward would actually cost her time. Her story is one of many; Krakowski is part of a growing movement across the country that “fall-forward” and “spring-back.” The group, founded in 2017, pushes to undo the hours of time that they believe the government has stolen from them. Jessica Chen, founder of the group, explains that the method her group advocates makes more sense scientifically. “Every five year-old knows that when you compress a spring, it springs back not forward! Our current system is a result of the government intruding in our daily lives and spreading false propaganda to unsuspecting citizens.” These efforts have come to a head at a time when the United States’ unprecedented period of economic and daylight recovery from the 2008
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dark age recession is slowing, causing the Federal Reserve to recently lower daylight interest rates. Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve, announced in a press conference that starting March 2020, clocks will only spring forward 54 minutes instead of one hour. Many advocates of the “fall-forward, spring-back” movement have hailed this move as a small victory, but many financial analysts warn that it signals a dangerous downturn for the economy. A recent study conducted by the JPMorgan Chase Institute found that over half of American households had less than three hours of daylight saved up. Thomas Cooper, an analyst at the Institute, warns that this economic downturn may hit the American middle class harder than expected. “This could mean that an accident like a solar eclipse or a really cloudy day could put many of these families in financial ruin. This move by the feds can only hurt middle class American families.” No solar eclipse is expected to hit North America until 2024, but areas near the coast will be cloudy on Sunday. In light of these predictions, Cooper offers some financial advice for struggling households. “I recommend people look into what programs their bank offers because Daylight Roth IRAs have offered significantly larger returns on investments than Daylight Savings for a while now.”
TOP Ten
Reasons Nobody is Going For the Turkey Your Mom Made
PHOTO By Sharon roth
While Morales could wrap a gift with perfectly flush edges and a seamless tape job, she was no match for Eminem’s scathing hot rhymes. By Adam Yoshinaga
Distribution Captain n preparation for the holiday season, 37 year-old mom Karen Morales has reportedly begun practicing her wrapping skills. Starting as soon as Thanksgiving ended, Morales puts in nearly five hours of training a day in order to have the “perfect wrap” for her children’s presents this coming Christmas. “It needs to be perfect, and I think in order to do that I need to go up against the best, and who’s better than Eminem? He’s been doing it for years, or so I’ve heard,” said Morales. “He’s so good at wrapping they even made a movie about him! Apparently he went through eight square miles of wrapping paper in one year!” Morales reached out to Eminem, whose real name is
I
Marshall Mathers, on Twitter, writing: “Hey @Eminem … Me. You. Friday Night. It’s going down.” Eminem later responded to her Tweet, writing, “One shot. One moment. Bring your spaghetti.” Morales was reportedly confused by the last part of his Tweet, but was aided by fellow mom Ashley Lopez, who explained to Morales, “It’s merely a strategy to get your palms sweaty, or your arms heavy, or your knees weak, or something like that … I think it’s his strategy.” Karen then replied to Eminem, writing, “I might not be as successful as you, but everyone in town calls me the Queen of Wrap. And not just because I make a great turkey and cheese.” An interview with Eminem later revealed his confusion regarding the situation.
“Does she know how to spell? Or does she think I’m gonna wrap some presents with her or something? Either way I was joking. I’m done with rap battles after that last guy literally burst into flames once I was done roasting him.” After hearing what the rapper had to say in his interview, Morales responded, “I did my research, and yes, I did look like a complete fool challenging you to a ‘wrap battle.’ But now I’m here to challenge you to a real rap battle. You know, the kind with words, the blinded birds, the grind of nerds,” she added, in what Morales claimed was an attempt to impress the rapper. There was no further communication between the two parties, which raised speculation among some. Kimberly Cunningham reached out
to voice his opinion on the exchange between the two, questioning Morales’ lack of knowledge on the rapper. “You’re telling me she’s never heard of ‘Rap God,’ ‘Lose Yourself,’ or ‘Not Afraid’? Well, she should be afraid of losing herself against the almighty Rap God.” Morales declined to comment on the situation after being publicly ridiculed by other moms in the area, including Lopez. “I’m not saying she looked like a complete idiot, but um … yeah she looked like a complete idiot. She should stick to wrapping presents, but then again, last year her kids complained about being able to see their socks through a hole in the paper, so I don’t know if she should even do that.”
10. It reeked of colonialism 9. It’s as dry as her personality 8. Everyone in the family is vegetarian 7. It’s decorative 6. It bites 5. The turkey called in sick 4. The stuffing your mom used was cotton 3. The outside is burny to a crisp, yet the inside is completely frozen 2. Your family named the turkey, and they’re too attached to eat it 1. You just don’t have the appetite to eat a whole country
The solution to 9A is in the back THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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The Survival Guide for Family Reunions What to Pack
December 4, 2019
It’s that time of the year again! Heading back home for the holidays doesn’t have to be a nightmare as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into. Our latest tips and tricks will help you make your reunion as stress-free as being in a house with dozens of judgmental pricks can be.
A mannequin shaped like yourself Sometimes, you just don’t want to listen to your grandpa’s stories
Wine bottle with a bell on it Helps you keep your aunt under control
Extra Starbucks gift cards
For all the cousins you forgot about
Pamphlet on the basic rules of football To fit in with the “real men”
A longsword
Just in case your younger siblings and cousins challenge your claim to the throne
An extra turkey and an extra oven
Useful for when you burn the turkey and break the oven
The Alternative Cousin
He took a threeyear palm reading class and insists on showing his skills throughout the reunion. Believes your soul “radiates a vibrant fuschia,” and keeps telling you that you’re dwelling on the past. Talks about Mars being in retrograde when it’s clearly Mercury.
Familiar Faces at the Feast The Cool Aunt
The Hopeless Romantic Uncle
She’s the chill, free spirit of the family that everyone loves, and your mother resents her for that. Somehow makes enough money to survive, yet has the free time to travel around the world and get a culturally insensitive tattoo from each country she visited.
He’s married. Again. For the fourth time. No one knows if her name is spelled with a C or a K. Everyone knows it won’t last, but no one has the heart to tell him. He’s just trying his best.
The T
She brok barrier in nitely goin arrangem to break d the drunk are lou
December 4, 2019
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Making of the Holiday Meal 2
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6
3
4 7
d bird a e d , m r a w A . 1 ion” it d a r t “ e s u a c e b f “Fun 2. Nana’s bicoex”o Time Ju ur great-aunt 3. Cookies ityo ntempt made w hlcco r a ohol ble 4. Mixer foit the ta 5. Fake fru itohnreal fruit mixed w h no, a bowl 6. Oh God, o cue s e d a r a h c f o ll fu cards eggs e t a c o v d a d e il 7. Dev our mom y e s u a c e b s le 8. Cand know what to do doesn’t r Jewish cousins about you
e Rogue Toddler
ke through the child her room and is defing to ruin the dinner ment. Probably going down in tears because k adults in the room uder than normal.
The Same-Sex Roommate
She’s the roommate that your aunt’s been living with for 20 years and counting. They’re so close, they even have matching jewelry! They’re such good friends that they like to cuddle together in front of the TV, dance together, and feed each other during dinner. If only your aunt could find a man like her!
Helpful Phrases for Family Questions
• Yes, I used to be that tall • Actually, I haven’t been thinking much about my future career • It’s just a temporary tattoo, I promise! • No, that rainbow flag on my wall represents Jesus’s love • No, see, you’re thinking of SDSU • Sex? Never heard of it • Haha, you sure do have political opinions, Uncle Jeff! • I swear that’s a scar, not a piercing • I think my brother or sister would love to hear your story too! • Oh, I would love to try wine for the first time! • No, my 21st birthday was pretty uneventful • Yeah, I’m just waiting for God to find the right person for me
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Actor Dies of Cardiac Arrest In Scene Where Grinch’s Heart Grows Three Sizes
Report Finds Impossible Whopper Killed 12 People, Considered “Healthiest Burger on the Market”
PHOTO By jACK yANG
One of the twelve eulogies reportedly stated: “Now they will always have it their way.” By Ram Sivapalan Staff Writer
Critics referred to Anderson’s portrayal of the Grinch as “a heart-wrenching performance.” BY Benjamin Velasco
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Staff Writer
ragedy struck a high school performance of Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” when local actor Jim Anderson suffered a heart attack reenacting the scene where the Grinch’s heart expands. Students are calling the tragedy “the most interesting thing to happen to musical theatre since whatever that rap musical about American history was.” Anderson, reportedly a longtime fan of Jim Carrey’s performance of The Grinch, celebrated being casted as the titular character by getting a full body tattoo and dying his skin permanently green. Sources claim Anderson practiced enlarging his
heart for the scene with heavy cardio, running marathons, and challenging himself to 24-hour Just Dance 2014 playthroughs. Deciding this was not enough to satisfy his commitment to the role, Anderson reportedly intensified his training through dietary means. According to an employee, “week after week, he’d squat down in the middle of an aisle and crack open egg cartons, crunching down on the eggs, chugging cooking oil, and handing over the appropriate payment for the eggs every time we tried to get him to leave the store. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if every blood vein inside of him was ready to burst.” On the day of the performance, Anderson apparently stretched
his heart past its limit, resulting in heart failure. He was pronounced dead on-scene. When fellow cast members were interviewed regarding Anderson’s “timely” death, most were saddened by his passing. However, some cast members showed approval of Anderson’s devotion to his work, namely Mitzie Salk, the actress for Cindy Lou Who, who commented that his death was “metal as fuck.” Salk elaborated, saying, “Honestly, if you’re an actor who isn’t willing to die for your art, why even be an actor? Who’s ever seen a famous living actor anyways?” This is not the first time a fatal injury has befallen the high school’s performers. In a 2016 performance of “The
PHOTO By jACK YANG
Exorcist,” Janice Steward, who played the part for Regan, notoriously exclaimed “check this shit out” before snapping her neck by rotating it 360 degrees. Anderson was reportedly inspired by this event, having praised Steward’s performance, calling it “a true commitment to the arts.” After the performance, Anderson’s mother reportedly wiped a tear from her eye watching her son’s death, stating “Jim Carrey would be proud.” When reporters reached out to Jim Carrey for comment, Carrey reportedly “stuck his face in a pile of cocaine, started screaming antivaccine opinions, and went completely crazy.” Carrey has yet to provide a comment on Anderson’s death.
New Leaked Brexit Document Reveals Plan for US to Annex United Kingdom, Secede Florida to EU
The British were reportedly confused about why there was sweet tea in their harbor. By Stephen Lightfoot Foreign Correspondent
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he United Kingdom is set to leave the European Union on the 31 of January — and a dramatic new report leaked this Tuesday has given the public a first look at exactly what the foreign policy of the UK will be post-Brexit. According to the leak, The UK has agreed to be annexed by the United States immediately following a no-deal Brexit, or if a deal is agreed to, at the end of the transition period out of the EU. In order to strengthen economic, political, and military ties with the US, the UK has also agreed to physically relocate the country, taking Florida’s geographic space within the US. Similarly, Florida will also be physically relocated to the UK’s former spot in the North Sea. Negotiations were also reportedly underway to secede and physically relocate Guam and Puerto Rico, in
order to “fill up the hole” left by Northern Ireland. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has long promised a comprehensive trade deal with the US after the UK’s departure from the EU, and after the leak of these documents, stated that this was just the next step in the UK’s negotiations. “Though it is unfortunate that aspects of our deal have leaked, my ministers and I believe that this trade deal is essential to establishing the UK’s role as a world leader by closely aligning ourselves with champions for freedom, peace, and prosperity.” However, not everyone has shared Boris Johnson’s optimism. Jeremy Corbyn, the leader of Labour Party, voiced his displeasure in an interview with Channel 4, saying “While the United States is certainly a close ally, we must not forget about Europe, who has continually been our largest trading partner and military ally for decades. To run off
and quite literally abandon them is not what the British people voted for back in the 2016 referendum.” However, many detractors were quick to note that the referendum question asked if the UK “wanted to remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union?” which “technically” left room for the UK to physically leave the European Union. Public opinion of the leaked trade deal has been mixed on both sides of the pond. Lindsay Davies, a Londoner, emphasized her displeasure and fatigue: “On one hand, I think it’s stupid to have aircraft carriers lift the country up and carry it across the Atlantic Ocean, and I think it’s even stupider that I won’t be able to holiday in Spain without spending a fortune. But on the other hand, I hear that Florida is pretty nice in terms of weather, with the exception of the hurricanes.” Ted Williams, a local resident
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ew Research has found the Impossible Whopper from Burger King to be the cause of 12 reported deaths as of October 29, 2019. Their report has been cited by the Guinness Book of World Records as proof of the burger’s newly achieved title: “Healthiest Fast Food Burger in History,” with the previous record-holder being McDonalds’ Filet-o-Fish. “I’m very pleased with the results of this study,” says Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, at a recent event. “The fact that we’ve only killed 12 people thus far indicates just how dedicated Burger King is to creating a fast food environment that is cheap, oily, and healthy all at the same time. Moving forward we can only hope to ring in the new year with another few pawns going to bat for what we call the future of fast food!” Local man Joseph King has taken a vow to stand in front of his neighborhood BK and constantly reenact the bite take from the Impossible Whopper commercial until he is put on television. “It’s just so good, and man it really tastes like the real deal!” he explained between chews. King boasted that, “on an off night when I’m not in the hospital from Whopper related health scares, I can get up to twelve other fans out here with me sharing the love and getting the word out.” The free marketing has caught the eye of local plant-based food enthusiast Ann Planter. “What’s a few people now and again to the thousands of animals out there dying every day to get you your chicken nuggets and real Whoppers?” Planter posted in a recent update on her blog. “It’s a miracle, I
never dreamed I’d be lending my voice to promoting any kind of Burger King fare, let alone their healthy fast food?!” Planter remains active online with daily lifestyle hacks, including a convenient real-time Whopper death counter. Fan fiction writers familiar with the Pew Research data have taken up with the idea that Burger King is carrying out a systematic reaping. Emboldened by commercials and BK propaganda, Bons Ringman is urging the public to “look at the real message here!” A notable fan fiction contributor and subscriber, Ringman cited veiled comments such as “ringing in the new year with another few going to bat …,” made by Schwartz. “I realize this may hit hard with your face stuffed in a burger, but I bid you an early happy Hunger Games!” He has henceforth been silent on his threads and the online communities he frequented. Outside local buzz, talks with the USDA are currently underway to have the Impossible Whopper featured as the poster food item for a new rising major food group called “Quick Foods.” If approved, this move would both cement the Impossible Whopper in the food pyramid and put the burger in school cafeterias across the country, as the administration rolls back on previous “healthy” food initiatives, including mandated fruit and vegetables servings. In an official statement by the department: “by popular demand and our determination to better serve this nation, we relinquish our crusade against the salty grease pig that is fast food and look to the future with the Impossible Whopper as a guiding light.”
PHOTO By Silver wallace
in Jacksonville, however, was happy with the leaks. “I’ve been saying for the longest time that the UK should just get Brexit done. I may not be a British national, but I’ve seen what people are saying on the TV, and I’m happy to help participate in such a big international event. Plus, who wouldn’t wanna be closer to Europe? Europeans love Americans, right?” Many EU member states have been fairly silent on the joint UK-US trade deal, given the fact that many are uncertain the deal will become official, and with Brexit – anything is liable to happen. However, JeanClaude Juncker, the President of the European Commission, sent out a tweet which read, “I have reviewed the document for a trade deal between the UK and USA. Culturally, I anticipate there to be little change within the EU — Floridians are essentially just what happens when you give a British person an alligator.”
The Ultimate Protection
BY Kaz Nuckowski & Jay noonan
December 4, 2019
theMQ.org
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Costco Sample Guy in Consideration for Michelin Star
EDITORIAL
I’m Ditching Coal This Year for a Cleaner Alternative
By Santa Claus Bearer of Gifts
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PHOTO By jACK yANG
Critics’ only complaint was that they could only take one sample at a time. By Matthew Miltimore
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Staff Writer
ongtime employee of Claremont’s Costco Wholesale, Hank McKindle, has been nominated for a Michelin star after garnering a significant fanbase for his samples that go beyond the normal scope of traditional Costco cuisine. The 28 year-old Costco worker and self-described “Bite-Size Beethoven” has served numerous fan favorites including pigs in a prayer quilt, fourth-dimensional cheese cubes, and the MacBook and cheese bites. These dishes have not gone unnoticed, as patrons are lining up daily at McKindle’s station located between the cold cuts and the eight-foot
inflatable pool alligator. “I love Hank!” remarked Tim Snozzlebeard, a regular at Costco Wholesale. “That fancy man gives my tummy a real tantalizing culinary experience! I mean who else would dare to put not one, but two types of ranch on a carrot?” Although Costco members remain impressed, McKindle insists that he did not become a sample specialist overnight. “He spent the last five years perfecting his craft,” remarked Linda Adnil, the store manager who also happens to be McKindle’s aunt. “I gave him the job after my sister told me he failed out of air-traffic control school — at first I thought he was just avoiding work since he would spend hours in the walk-in produce fridge. Turns
out it was just part of his training!” McKindle reportedly has no formal culinary schooling, saying “If you want to prepare food you have to first understand what it’s like to be food. So yeah, I spent my first couple years here just hanging out with the food, climbing up the shelves, and covering myself in raw pieces of chicken breast.” Despite McKindle’s unorthodox methods, he has continuously received praise, both commercially and critically. McKindle and his samples will soon be reviewed by the Michelin Guide which may earn him a Michelin Star, one of the highest honors in the world of culinary arts. McKindle mentioned his plan “to do something totally unheard of in the world of
sampling” when asked about potentially receiving this distinction. “I want to do something the Michelin guide has never seen: samples, but instead of a small measly portion, I give them food on a circular 10-inch dish.” Even if McKindle fails to earn the Michelin Star, Adnil affirms that he will keep his position, as she reports “a 57% increase in patrons doing that thing where they go around a second time for a sample, but pretend it’s their first time and say something like ‘oh this looks good,’ or ‘hey, I’ll try that.’” Results on whether McKindle earned an imaginary star from the tire company remain inconclusive at the time of reporting.
erry Christmas everyone! Old Saint Nick’s here to dispel some not-so-jolly rumors about my business practices. Some grumpy old elves have been complaining about my use of coal and other unsustainable behavior, so instead I’m turning over a new mistletoe leaf! This year I’m leaving my naughty list with a much more practical gift: nuclear waste! Now ho-ho-hold up, before anyone starts to panic, I promise this is a cleaner option. For example, most nuclear waste can last for decades! That’s years of fun rather than just a few hours, so really, isn’t that a better gift right off the bat? And those noxious fumes are nothing compared to the coal dust that used to clog up people’s lungs. You won’t have to worry about getting the coal dust everywhere, this truly is the cleaner option. So really, which would you rather pick? I didn’t need a red nose to guide myself to this decision. A simple Google search will show
that this cleaner alternative is recyclable too. When people talk about going green, maybe they should start talking about the lime green glow of radium. In fact, I’ve been telling the elves to start converting the workshop into a nuclear power plant. We’ll be able to power our toy machines in no time, isn’t that great? Of course, eventually we’ll need to find a use for the rest of the waste. I’m sure I can find a good place to dump it, maybe Florida. They’ve got the highest percentage of kids on the naughty list anyway, followed closely by Alabama. Or maybe I could start bringing it around more than just Christmas. Maybe if a kid swears or disobeys their parents, they’ll wake up with some radium under their pillow. I’m sure the Tooth Fairy won’t mind me stealing her spotlight a bit. That’s all for now, I’ve got to go check on the progress. Some of the elves have been complaining about some problems with this new system. Something along the lines of “I’m tired,” or “I’m feeling dizzy,” or “I think my skin is starting to fall off.” I’m sure it’s just a little side effect of progress. They complained too when we starting coal mining back during the 19th century to keep up with the industrial revolution. Anyway, remember to be good this year and stay on the nice list. But for those on the naughty list, put on your hazmat suits and make space for cleaner waste!
Mother Refuses to Cater to Daughter’s “Vegan Phase” During Thanksgiving
Julie Smith decided the centerpiece dish would be the beef between her and her daughter. By Beans Cox
U
Staff Writer
CSD first-year Marie Smith’s Thanksgiving break has turned into a hunger strike following a dispute between Smith and her mother over her newfound veganism. Marie’s mother, Julie Smith, has reportedly refused to cook plant-based alternatives for Marie during the holiday season. Marie, who declared Environmental Engineering shortly after finding her new dietary lifestyle, shared that she “became vegan a week after starting at UCSD. I read some unnecessarily aggressive chalk messages on Library Walk calling me a ‘murderer,’ and I just couldn’t take the guilt. Not to sound cheesy
or anything — well, I could never sound ‘cheesy’ because I’m vegan — but I just feel better now.” Marie’s new diet, however, sparked conflict when she | returned to her home in Salina, Kansas for Thanksgiving. “I told my parents that I wanted to eat vegan this Thanksgiving. I want to stick to this diet, and it is not a phase.” Julie disagreed with her daughter, saying, “Marie’s vegan thing is 100% a phase. And a very stupid phase at that. I knew she was gonna try to pull some shit like this when we let her go to that hippie school in California.” Julie has claimed she will not adjust her Thanksgiving menu plans to fulfill Marie’s new dietary preferences.
“Every classic Thanksgiving dish either has butter or bacon or cream cheese or a combination of the three. I’m not gonna change up my recipes for her. I have been planning my Thanksgiving menu for a year now, and I don’t want those Pinterest boards to be all for naught. Mashed potatoes made with Silk don’t taste as good as mashed potatoes made with heavy cream, and that’s just the truth. So Marie is just gonna have to suck it up and eat some animals. Just like the Indians did with those colonial fellows when they landed on Pilgrim Rock … Is it Pilgrim Rock or Plymouth Rock? I can never remember, but Marie is gonna eat this goddamn turkey.”
PHOTO By Jerry wu
As a result of her mother’s opposition, Marie has taken up a hunger strike. “I didn’t really mean for this to be a hunger strike. I just genuinely can’t find food here that isn’t doused in mayonnaise or butter. Is it like a crime or something to sell salad in Kansas? At best, I may be able to find a can of gelatinfree cranberry sauce to shotgun. When I became vegan, I didn’t know it would be so hard. I thought it was just about making cheeky, elitist one liners about non-vegans, but it’s actually so much more than that. I would give my left tit for some Roots fish tacos right now.”
Fraternizing with the enemy since 1988
THE MQ
Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.
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Local Student Seeks to Learn Who Gerry Mandering Is
Design Your Own Holiday Starbucks Cup Tis’ the season for peppermint mochas and spiced apple cider! With this interactive guide, you’ll be able to come up with a fun, neutral holiday cup design that won’t upset people with nothing better to do.
Quill later wanted to find out who “All” was and why they should get Medicare. By Aniela Drumonde
Staff Writer irst-year ERC student Tara Quill, after just now realizing that she will be eligible to vote in the 2020 elections, is trying to become more politically minded. “I figured since, you know, a lot happens in politics, and I’m pretty sure we need a change or some bad shit is going to go down. Or is it that bad shit is going to keep on happening? Maybe both.” Quill, in her efforts to learn more about America’s governing bodies and the people running them, has started following multiple Facebook meme pages focusing on politics. She swears by the moisturizing routine
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Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez showed on her Instagram, saying it makes her “feel so empowered.” However, one problem seems to stand in Quill’s way of understanding the American political scene. “There’s this guy who everyone keeps talking about. Who’s Gerry Mandering? What’s he about? Like, I don’t see an official Instagram account or even a verified Twitter profile, but everyone I know who’s talking about politics constantly mentions the guy. Do you think he might be running for President? I don’t know if I can trust a politician who doesn’t even post on social media. Someone told me he walked with Martin Luther
King Jr., but I’m pretty sure that was Elizabeth Warren.” Fellow ERC student Jacob Marsh said, “Honestly, I feel like I should know this guy. Everyone talks about him being connected with the election, but I think he might be an abstract artist or something? People talk about him being really good at drawing wiggly lines. I actually run one of the Facebook meme pages, and I think if I look this guy up, I’ll get more confused. What I do now is just say, ‘What about Gerry Mandering?’ in literally every political conversation I get into, and then I walk away. It works pretty well, but my grades are suffering because I have to leave all of my classes early.”
PHOTO By Jack Yang
Quill, after some Google searches, professed herself to be even more confused with Mr. Mandering’s persona. “I don’t know who he is or even what party he represents, which really sucks, because that means I can’t make fun of him or prove that I’m smarter than other people by mentioning him in conversation. I almost made a sign about him when I was about to go to the Women’s March, but in the end I just bought this really cute hat with a pin of Ruth Bader Ginsburg on it, and I was so happy with my purchase that I ended up not even going to the march.”
Area Writer Admitted to Jacobs Burn Center Due to Burnout
Step 1: Pick a Color
Light Grey
Dark Grey
Black
Red
Step 2: Pick a Pattern
Cup Stripes
The Yuppie
Pissed Barista
Lipstick Stains
Step 3: Pick a Phrase Ice to Matcha
20-proof A further look into Stefanovic’s computer revealed 37 work-in-progress documents. By Steven Zhou
U
Content Editor
CSD student Joe Stefanovic, a 20 year-old satire writer, has recently been admitted to UCSD Jacobs Medical Center after suffering from third degree burnout. Stefanovic reportedly spends “way too many hours a day” focusing on his creative endeavors, leading his medical providers to state that his hobbies are the root cause of his burnout. “During our discussions, he informed me about a time he spent 30 minutes trying to decide if he should start his article with a question or a fact. That amount of time is unhealthy and unsustainable over the long-term,” shared Dr. Molly Davids from the Jacobs Burn Center. “I hope he makes the necessary changes in his life prior-
ities so he can live a longer, healthier life.” Stefanovic has a different perspective on his work-fun balance, repeatedly reminding reporters that his work makes a huge difference to the campus culture at UCSD. “Don’t you guys see? My work on my podcast, with the campus paper, and all the satire I came up with is totally revolutionary. If I can make one person interested in the groundbreaking work I do, I’d consider it a success. It would be selfish of me to take a break and deprive the world of my content.” An online meta analysis has revealed Stefanovic’s published articles have averaged one view each. When informed about this statistic, Stefanovic reportedly went into psychological shock, saying he’s “surprised that the five
times he refreshed the page didn’t boost the count.” Due to his worsening health conditions, he is currently receiving around-the-clock care until the burnout subsides. Stefanovic’s friends from his clubs share concerns about his self-destructive habits. Rex Milton, a satirist acquainted with Stefanovic, worries that Stefanovic is “spiraling out of control, with his diet consisting more of Oreos and Cheetos than water during final production and his ideas reverting to ninth grade potty humor.” Lily Scotts, a co-producer of the podcast Stefanovic is working on, shares similar thoughts, claiming she is fearful of informing him that “everyone has a podcast now, and no one is really going to listen to another stupid podcast about some shitty TV
Merry Whatever... l’s Warning: Surgeon Genera , nausea, vomiting Caffeine causes d se ea sness, incr insomnia, nervou death heart rate, and
PHOTO By jACK yANG
show. I might have to force him to take some time off and revive his creativity.” Family members of Stefanovic also commented on his condition, sharing their appreciation for the outpouring of support for his recovery. “We just want our son to be a healthy human being again,” shared his father. When informed about the growing concerns over his health, Stefanovic expressed gratitude but brushed such comments aside. “I promise I can juggle all my responsibilities. Swear to God! This thing I’m going through? It’s just a small slip up and I can definitely get my creative juices rolling again. What was that? Don’t you DARE say I have writer’s block! I’m the uh, uh, writiest writer the world’s ever, uh, uh, SEEN!”
Step 4: Pick an Accessory
Better Coffee Coffee Cup Harness
Soggy Paper Straw
Relatable Coffee Cozy
That's it! Remember to take a selfie with it!
December 4, 2019
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Hydroflasks Recalled, College Students Enter Withdrawal
Campus Squirrels Outraged After Hearing About No Nut November
PHOTO By Jack Yang
PHOTO By sharon roth
Panlelo told reporters, “How am I going to stay awake during class if there’s no Hydro Flasks dropping every 15 minutes?” By Hanaa Moosavi
O
Staff Writer
n October 15, Hydro Flask released an announcement that they were officially recalling their water bottles from all across the United States. The company has ordered all previouslysold flasks to be returned to one of the “Hydro stations,” set up by the company in order to make the recall process smooth. The news reached UCSD students the following day, and brought about an uproar of student protests across campus. “It was honestly the most shocking news I have ever heard. When I sat down after my POLI 30 discussion and turned on the TV, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Some news anchor was telling me that I had to return Chad? My baby blue flask
that I walked all the way to Roger's to get? I wouldn’t get the glorious pleasure of carrying my hydrating beverage to class everyday, in colors ranging across the rainbow and more? I said ‘speak no more you televised devil,’ and turned off the TV to get a few reps at Rimac,” Marshall student Derrick Somson told reporters. “Like, I spent half of my freshman dining dollars on those boys, I am not going to let them go so easy!” An analysis revealed that Somson’s Hydro Flask was plastered with “roughly $2,500 in stickers.” More students came out to speak on their feelings regarding the epidemic. “Wednesday’s classes just weren’t the same,” Warren student Christine Panlelo said, holding a safety blanket around herself outside
SHS, “like there was no high pitched, loud banging to break up the monotony of class. I ended up missing the clicker question because of it! Like Hydro Flask doesn’t even know what they are causing by recalling the hydros; they are making me fail my classes by even more than before!” The interview was cut short due to Panlelo’s sobbing. “We have set up a few therapy fluffie sessions specific to students suffering withdrawal and a local town hall to talk about the next steps our campus should take to heal after this terrible disaster.” When asked how the school was going to combat this epidemic, SHA student Paul Waden told reporters, “As of right now, the school's main focus is to make sure the students are getting the help they need. We are taking
steps to meet these demands, one of these steps being selling plastic water bottles — for only five dollars.” Chancellor Khosla has yet to speak on the epidemic, causing even more of an uproar throughout the student body. “What did they think was going to happen? That students, who literally live on the concept of having our hydros always with us, were just going to sit by idly and let them take our hydros back?” asked Mary Gennor outside the Mandeville protest, holding a sign saying ‘HYDRATE OR DIEDRATE’ and raising her flask in the air. “Once the word was out, we had to hit the streets. We had to let people know that we would not give up our Hydros without a fight.”
Blessed are the BRIEF Disney Launches Study Shows the UN Declares Baby Rancor to Parties You’ve Been State of Distract From Hosting are Emergency DUE TO Monopolistic Gains Actually Kickbacks Spotify ALGORITHM
Local Mall Santa Claims it is Impossible to Have One Ho, Must Have Three
At D23, Disney released its newest project "STAR WARS: Greedo’s Gambit." Kathleen Kennedy has released the following statement: “After re-releasing the “A New Hope” cut for the third and fourth time with Greedo’s signature catchphrase, “Maclunkey,” and the three minute cut where Greedo just orders a drink and catches up with Han Solo about the Clone Wars, we’ve decided that we should just invest more time into this beloved character before we pixelate the scene anymore. Since we know Greedo is a fan favorite, and is most deserving of a movie, we’re also going to give him a cuddly companion: a baby rancor monster!” Bob Iger was spotted exiting the convention center out the back door, directly after the Greedo reveal, reportedly yelling into a cell phone, “They tried to make the fuckin’ Rancor cute? How is that going to sell well? We are currently purchasing Taiwan so that we can sell it to China, and they throw that up as a distraction?” Iger was seen leaving the scene in the Mickey Mouse Abrahms Tank that purchases all vehicles it destroys for a third the Kelley Blue Book Value. Public reaction towards this new "cash grab" character is yet to be seen. However, sources say the D23 convention venue has been set on fire by a “gathering of old, musty fanboys.”
After showing up to work two and a half hours late with an “absolutely killer hangover,” local mall Santa Chris Penn has recently announced that he is officially turning over a new leaf. "I know I bring tons of joy to kids all around the globe, or like, county in this case, but it's a pain in the absolute ass dude. They always run around, screaming and breaking all my shit, and I've had enough. From now on, I'm taking control of my life, and that means exploring a part of Santa that I feel the media doesn't cover — his wild side with the ladies. I'm a method actor, so I really can't do it any other way." Since his announcement, Penn has been living the high life — spending his money on fast cars, alcohol and drugs, all of which now litter the small shack in UTC where Penn works. He was recently spotted listening to explicit remixes of Christmas carols and drinking Jack Daniel's straight from the bottle with his new entourage of what Penn has called "Santa's Personal Helpers." As a result of Penn's decisions, parents from all across the county have stopped their kids from visting Santa in UTC. "My parents told me that I could send a letter, but it isn't the same," seven year-old Tim Anderson said. "Going to see Santa meant we could get Dippin' Dots from that one machine in the mall, but now my dad said that Santa is a womanizer, so we're seeing a new Santa downtown, who's apparently a classical actor. Whatever that means."
New research from the UCSD’s Local Administration on Manners and Extroversion (L.A.M.E.) shows that those parties you’ve been hosting are probably kickbacks. Dr. Annie Clayton has put together a team of data analysts to help understand the nature of typical UCSD get-togethers. “Here at L.A.M.E we’ve been doing research to define the difference between a party and a kickback,” said Dr. Clayton. “Our data shows that UCSD students are widely misusing the term ‘party.’” Dr. Clayton’s team has found that 76 percent of UCSD undergraduates will use the term “party” to define a get together of between eight and twelve people, 66 percent will use the term when the entire attendance is of the same gender, and 35 percent will use the term if there is no drugs or alcohol available whatsoever. These percentages are significantly higher than what L.A.M.E. measured at SDSU. Dr. Clayton says, “You and your bros getting high and playing Smash Bros is not a party. You hosting an event that only eight people show up to is not a party. You crying while eating guacamole, drinking Jager, and listening to Old Town Road is really not a party … C’mon you guys, it’s not actually that hard. I guess it is called UC Socially Dead for a Reason”
Last week, United Nations president Tijjani MuhammadBande declared a state of emergency because “Spotify just compelled him to”. “It was really weird at first,” Muhammad-Bande told reporters, “but at some point last year, Spotify started communicating with me. At first it was fairly harmless stuff, I felt like it was trying to help me.” Spotify allegedly started giving instructions to the president in the form of playlists. “It started when Daily Mix 1 became ‘Playlist to wake up to,’ and it did not take long for Spotify to start telling me to do my chores; ‘Playlist to do your laundry to,’ and ‘Hey man, clean the damn bathroom.’ It was like the algorithm knew when I was procrastinating. But I didn’t pay really close attention to it.” President MuhammadBande shocked the public when he announced that the United Nations had declared a state of crisis as the machines started “staging an uprising against the human race.” Spotify’s CEO Daniel Ek made an appearance to give some comments on the announcement. “I find it ludicrous for anyone to believe that Spotify is to blame for this. We have only share data with our partners Google, Facebook, Tinder, Amazon, and Whole Foods to maximize the personalized and most satisfying experience for our beloved customers.”
Nibbles was reportedly distraught at how nuts the situation was. By Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Captain
A
rea squirrels Nibbles and Chipper are furious after being told about the phenomenon known as No Nut November. “Nut is all I eat, you tryna kill me or something?” said Nibbles, requesting his words not be taken out of context. The duo were first told of the “timeless tradition” by fellow squirrel Sandy: “Nut you shall not, for this month November is sacred. Nut shall not be consumed, nut shall be saved, for when December comes, thou will desire nut more than ever.” UCSD students typically report November as the month they see the least amount of squirrels, a result of No Nut November. “Squirrels are known to hibernate until the holiday season actually begins,” said Kristine Delgado, professor of Zoology. “Usually their hibernation ends the first week of December, so y’all can stop saying Christmas starts the day after Halloween.” Some off-campus squirrels expressed concern when they heard of the phenomena. “It’s not like I can just go to my local 64 Degrees compost bin and pick up some nut-free food,” said Scrat, who currently resides in the Claremont area. “It’s already hard enough for me to commute all the way to UCSD to meet up with my friends, you expect me to try and go without nuts for a whole month?” Other squirrels were also unamused by the concept,
with one saying, “Even if I get three strikes I can’t go the whole month with only two nuts. Ya know, a squirrel has his needs,” said Skippy. “Like seriously? Who can go a whole month without Nutflix, I gotta binge a new show every week.” Nibbles and Chipper reportedly attempted the challenge, however, in struggling to find food the first week, the two began working at Roots as they offer “nut-free” options. “It’s not that bad, but I would never willingly come here to eat.” Scrat reportedly purchased Community Dining Dollars, but he encountered an error when attempting to purchase them. An HDH spokesperson reached out to Scrat, apologizing for the failed transaction. The email reportedly read: “Mr. Scrat, I’m sorry for you being unable to complete your transaction. This was the first time anyone has ever tried to buy Community Dining Dollars, we didn’t expect anyone would ever want to spend real money on our food. We appreciate your purchase, and we hope you are satisfied with your nutfree options.” Nibbles and Chipper were able to make it through the month, however once December began, they were reportedly eating as many nuts as they could. Delgado expressed concern upon hearing this stating, “This kind of diet can’t be good for their children. Actually wait, I just remembered: squirrels don’t have children, they always swallow the nut.”
TOP Ten
Reasons Your Independent Movie Flopped 10. It portrayed an R-rated scene with puppets 9. You made it free to download, so everyone thought it was a virus 8. No one wants to see a gritty VeggieTales remake 7. Having the same actor play every role in a film only works if they dress up differently 6. No one would back it because your screenplay was written in Comic Sans 5. You can barely pretend that you’re having a good day, did you really think you could direct a movie? 4. Your movie is so independent that it decided instead of becoming a movie, it was going to go to art school 3. You brought the wrong type of canon and your cast is dead 2. You thought Sundance was just good luck ritual and you didn’t actually submit your movie. 1. It starred Adam Sandler
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December 4, 2019
Si le nt Night: Th e Myth of S anta Best-selling author Wilbur Van Hoyt has brought the world a gift for the holiday season. Finally, someone has gone out into the world to conclusively prove that Santa is a conspiracy, just like the Tooth Fairy and trickle-down economics. Join him on his journey to the North Pole, as he battles polar bears and swims with walruses to see Old St. Nick or rather, see no such thing.
aV n Hoyt - December 2019 Photographs from the Journey
Notes on “Rudolph” The “Red-Nosed” Reindeer •
Rudolph engineered by military for operation Arctic Storm
Appears to be a yeti footprint, but what’s breathing behind me?
Turns out there’s people here too.
Apparently, they call it “pop” in the North.
•
Nose is only non-robotic part
•
Possibly NSA spyware?
•
Why would they need to lie?
•
Rudolph invented to cover up the extinction of dogs with red noses?
•
Keeps the reindeer from unionizing?
The mythical unicorn is a myth no more.
After 30 years, I’ve found him!
How has Big Oil been hiding this from us?
PRAISE FOR SILENT NIGHT A decadent experience with a symphony of flavors that features wonderful contrasting textures between the cover and the pages. There is a bittersweet tang that permeates throughout the text that either comes from the soybean ink that they used, or the sadness Van Hoyt experiences when he realizes that Santa is not real. The wine and cheese that was provided with the book reading complemented the book’s flavors wonderfully.
This book is just another example of liberal propaganda. The landmass referred to as the “North Pole” obviously does not exist. The far left spreads manufactured pictures of the fictional “North Pole” to support their Climate Change Agenda and to justify raising taxes. Wilber Van Hoyt is just another lying liberal showing photoshopped pictures of melting ice caps. It’ll take a lot more than this fake news to “break the ice.”
-Clarissa Solomon Bon Appetit
-Richard Carpathia Breitbart News
Not really sure what this has to do with GEO 125. I expected my Canadian geography class to discuss actual Canadian geography rather than nonsense conspiracy theories. I find it especially concerning that Professor Van Hoyt wrote the book himself, and seems to just be lining his pocket. The book was never mentioned in lecture or needed for midterms. Very poorly written to the point of being incomprehensible. Discussion TA gave up and started talking about maple syrup. Would not recommend class or professor.
When all the ice on the driveway was making my car slip down the hill, I put the novel behind the tires. It worked wonders! The book spine was so thick and its cover was so rough that it really stopped my car from slipping. Also, the book doubles as a great laptop stand; there is enough air filtration that cools down the laptop while not making it inconvenient to type. It also shuts the kids up if you throw it at them. With his innovative novel, Hoyt provides the much-needed multifaceted and human-centric design that our country needs.
-Martin Carter GEO 125 Student
-Bob Billins Homemaker