The MQ Volume 28 Issue 1

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

September 22, 2021

“It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”

- Anna Wintour, Honorary Chair of the MET Gala

Volume XXVIII Issue I

The bad boys of print journalism

Fraudulent Blacksmith Forges Sword

IN THIS ISSUE ONLINE PROXY WARRIOR STUCK IN INFINITE LOOP

3

CRYPTO-ENTOMOLOGIST FINDS BUG IN HIS CODE

4

GET INVOLVED!

6,7

VACCINE SITE INCENTIVIZES WITH FUNFETTI FROSTING SUSAN BAGEL’S CLASSIC LASAGNA RECIPE PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “It looks great in my hand but it sucks during warfare,” claimed Jean Dark. “Kind of a double-edged sword.”

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE Editor-in-Chief

T

he workshop of Trevor McLintosh is cold and pristine, with bright lights hanging overhead and a team of apprentices each wearing the same casual work robes, so as to distinguish themselves from the hoard of customers that enter their workshop each day. Their apprentice seal, a biblical motif, is identical to the one emblazoned on the hilt of each of McLintosh’s celebrated swords. As one fan puts it, “With a single glance into the heat of a stoked kiln, anyone can see the dedication and craftsmanship that goes into each sword here,” before adding an aside, “I’m so glad I get to come here every year, almost on the dot, right as my glorious sword slays my thousandth foe and collapses into itself, accidentally stabbing me in the process.”

“These guys have dominated the market ever since Trevor McLintosh figured out how to perfectly calibrate swords to their wield-

ers, inventing the iSword in the process. But somewhere along the way, the iSword I’d bought would end up falling apart, and I’d have to buy a new one,” claimed Jean Dark, an up-and-coming soldier on her first siege. “I’m up to the iSword X dual-wielding, and I paid an extra gold ingot for the lapis lazuli sheaths, which I’m so happy with. But still.”

That is one of the many complaints soldiers and infantrymen alike have had with weapons made in this shop. “I feel like right as McLintosh leaves his workshop and a herald announces his newest design, my own sword starts performing so poorly that I’m forced to buy a new one,” said Owain Argent, local munition man.

“This man must have been given the gift of prophecy, to know just when I am going to need a new weapon! Truly, Trevor McLintosh has been given many blessings, apart from inherited wealth, to be so perceptive of my needs as a customer. He really fills the

niche made by people who have both filled pockets and a burning desire not to get killed by enemy combatants.”

Recently, McLintosh has started expanding his clientele, adding new spins on a plethora of bows to the joy of archers everywhere. “I just bought a whole quiver of arrowheads from here, and the craftsmanship is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before,” exclaimed Dark, before hurriedly buying the official McLintosh whetstone to sharpen her new arrows, as all other whetstones from any other blacksmith “would be incompatible.”

“Sure, sometimes swords break,” acknowledged McLintosh, “however, I’m working on a new project that would keep all my customers’ swords up-to-date on everything they would ever need.” These fixes, colloquially called “updates,” have sword owners come into the blacksmith for improvements to their alreadypurchased swords for no cost.

It is, claimed McLintosh, a

universally beloved practice, that allows the swordwielder to feel like a part of a “wonderful, constantly-expanding conversation” in smithing.

“I hate it,” Argent said.

“Everyone I know hates it.

My handle’s no longer got the same grooves and wears I’ve tirelessly worked my hands into while practicing with it, and I know one of my friend’s companions died because they forgot to account for the new chain length of their updated morning star. The only reason any of us come back to get these updates done is because a pigeon comes to our doorstep every day to give us the message that up-to-date installments are available to us now. It’s so annoying.”

The last straw for many happened recently, when McLintosh got rid of sword hilts entirely, and created an apparatus to be inserted through the arm to allow for “better ease of motion.”

La Jolla Family Rents Out Doghouse to UCSD Student Amidst Housing Crisis

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NEWS IN BRIEF RANDOM PASSERBY CROWNED “KING OF THE MET GALA” Celebrities attending the Met Gala last weekend were surprised to see viewers choose random passerby Jim Hornbloom as the unofficial King of the Met Gala.

Hornbloom, who had taken a wrong turn on the way to pick up his dry cleaning, was soon approached by critics who praised the “all-encompassing stylistic vision” of his fashion for encapsulating the gala’s theme, “Americana.”

According to critic George Lions, Hornbloom was on point: “The taupe cargo shorts, symbolic of a nation that carries, a country of movers and shakers ... A Morrissey Tshirt, walking the perfect line between racism and beauty ... And look at the

Carhartt beanie, clearly evocative of the American tradition of rock and roll: countercultural, immune to the icy blasts of skepticism... I have no words. A true American inspiration.”

When asked how it felt to turn celebrity heads, Hornbloom seemed more anxious than flattered.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here. I was supposed to pick up my cousin Danny’s blazer three hours ago. If you could be a dear and direct me to Lo Chieu’s 24-Hour Dry Cleaning, I would appreciate it.”

Hornbloom was later found battling waves of rabid critics, wielding Timothée Chalamet as an improvised sword.

CLOWN COSTUMES MOVED TO SEXY SECTION OF SPIRIT HALLOWEEN Sales of clown costumes were up last Halloween, but not for the reason one would expect. With COVID-19 still surging through the United States, Halloween 2020 proved that costume stores provided more use beyond family holiday fun. “You would think the most popular costumes for these uh...adult house parties would be skimpy cats, cheeky cheerleaders, or nuns or nurses. Something like that,” reported Spirit Halloween sales representative Carl Hieronymus, “but our clown section was completely wiped out

by mid-October. Come to think of it, we were also struggling to keep up with the demands for adultsized baby costumes.”

CEO Steven B. Silverstein of Spencer Spirit Holdings Inc., who is in charge of both Spencer’s and Spirit Halloween, has seen the shift in perception of clowns from scary to sexy and is responding by reorganizing all of the 2021 Spirit Halloween store layouts so as to place all clown costumes and clown-related accessories among the “sexy” costumes.

NINTENDO ACCIDENTALLY SUES ITSELF AFTER REMAKING ITS OWN GAME PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “I like having the extra money,” said Mrs. MacInson. “But I no longer have a place to send my husband to when he messes around with other women.”

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

F

Distribution Lieutenant

aced with the combined pressures of an ongoing pandemic and record admission rates, many UCSD

students are struggling to find housing for the upcoming academic year. Students have taken matters into their own hands in the absence of administrative action, with many Facebook groups being dedi-

cated to the task of helping students find places to live. In many cases, this involves taking advantage of transitional university housing, or renting out living rooms in other students’ apartments. For one

Benji Clifford, an affordable accommodation meant the MacInsons’ doghouse.

“I was browsing Facebook in an attempt to find something, anything,” said Clifford,

See Doghouse, page 2

CAPTAIN AHAB CLOSES IN ON RARE WHALE

I LIKE MY CHICKEN HOW I LIKE MY FISH:

Ahab claims, “He’s a slippery sunuva bitch”

Smoked.

Nintendo’s legal department recently announced that they will be pressing charges against the creators of “Donkey Kong HD,” a 4K remake of the 1981 arcade classic — a game which turned out to be a product

by Nintendo Entertainment Planning & Development, causing confusion within the company.

The representative for Nintendo EPD, Mario L. Bowser, commented on the lawsuit. “I can’t believe we are being sued by our own corporation,” he said. “All we did was follow the quarterly plan. This was literally in the meeting, everyone agreed on it.” According to Bowser, they tried to contact the legal department

to resolve the conflict “or at least get someone to represent us,” but the only response was “Don’t expect to settle this out of court, mushroom eater.”

W. A. Luigi, a lawyer for Nintendo, stated that “Despite this being our own company we are suing, we can’t let them just go and remake our own games. They are stealing money we could spend on more lawsuits!”

The presidents of Nintendo refused to comment, while chief game designer Shigeru Miyamoto stated, “Next time we will be suing people for saving their game since this is technically making changes to the game files.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

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theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

Ben Platt Reveals His Secret to Staying Young

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH

“Up next, I’m auditioning for the role of Annie,” said Ben Platt.

BY ISABELLE MCKELVEY Ass. Content Editor

A

ctor Benjamin Plattypus, more commonly known as Ben Platt, has recently been under fire for assuming the role of a character nearly half his age in the upcoming movie musical Dear Evan Hansen. One critic on Twitter complained that “Platt playing a 15-year-old in 2021 is like receiving unsolicited pictures of ur Tinder match’s balls. They’re both WAY too wrinkly to be doing all that.”

In response to the online backlash, Platt released a video of his skincare routine, saying that he’s “doing his best to look like a high-schooler again.” In the video, Platt demonstrated how he rubs oil, dirt, and his family members’ bottled sweat on his face daily to get back the “youthful acne look.” Platt also explained that he brushes his teeth with

a hammer so that his teeth look “how they used to before braces.” Lastly, Platt revealed that his secret to keeping his height and weight to that of a pubescent high schooler was “simply devil worship.”

In an interview with Platt’s plastic surgeon Dr. Fart, who is Swedish, he described that Platt was “persistent” in what he wanted to look like. “I want you to make me look like Robert Downey Jr! Post coke! Post coke!” Ben Platt supposedly screamed. Fart explained to Platt that it would “just not be possible” to make him look like a reformed addict Downey Jr. without Platt leaping into blackface in a raunchy parody or starting a cinematic universe that would bind him to a contract for decades. After some silence, Platt said, “Fine, I’ll do it myself,” and dipped his hands in lambs’ blood, smeared it all over his face, and rolled his eyes back

into his head. Security footage of Dr. Fart’s office showed Satan himself appearing and proposing to “age Platt back five years in exchange for the human sacrifice of Dr. Fart.”

Platt did not hesitate to make a sacrificial exchange. In his haste to reverse the aging process, Platt “dragged off my assistant, Dr. Loud Fart — no relation — in my place. The halls fell silent without him,” emitted Dr. Fart.

After the security footage was released to the public, investigators revealed that this was not the first human sacrifice Platt has completed on his journey to looking younger. A hard drive seized in a FBI raid had evidence that all the winners of the Easy Cheese Whizzed Away to Tahiti Squeezestakes were actually thrown into Platt’s dungeon. Because of his close relationship with the devil, Platt will likely never

be caught nor punished for his actions. In fact, Platt was able to escape being convicted of Loud Fart’s murder, pleading, “Your honor, I did commit these crimes, but when I was 27! I’m barely cusping 17 today!”

The legal proceedings have not helped Platt’s acting career. Now that his secrets to staying young have been revealed, many copycat criminals are becoming inspired to follow in his footsteps. Benjamin Buttoned lookalikes of middle-aged and elderly ex-actors are on the rise, so much so that the Washed Up Actors Union has disbanded on account of low membership.

Platt has complained to the media that he now has “more competition” for the role of Evan Hansen, as many star-studded actors like John Travolta, aged two, have crawled back onto the stage.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Doghouse

“when I stumbled on an offer from the MacInsons’ for a small, furnished, private room for $5,000 a month. What a steal! A little over my budget, but that’s La Jolla for you. It’s only a short three-hour busride or ‘W-A-L-K’ away. My friends were so jealous when they found out about my housing sitch.”

When Clifford came to view the residency, the MacInsons conducted a short renter interview where they requested sternly that Clifford sit. When he complied, Janet MacInson called him a “good boy” while her son patted his head. “That was the moment we knew he was going to be a good fit for us,” said Janet MacInson. “We had nine other students who’d requested to view the place anyway, so if he hadn’t obliged, I’m sure we would have been able to fill the space regardless.”

When asked about the interview, Clifford said, “I mean, no one’s ever really asked me to do that before, but they offered me the lease on the spot without a deposit, so I said yes.

Seemed like what any reasonable person would do, right?

Sign a binding year long contract with someone whose job description as a landlord practically involves viewing you as less than human?” Clifford cocked his head to the side and stared questioningly at reporters. He then barked at a passing FedEx truck, retreated into his room, and circled his

bed three times before settling into it.

“We’ve always wanted a dog, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity,” Janet MacInson stated. “I’m highly allergic, so why not give my kid what he wants while helping a student out at the same time? That means we’re good people for opening our home to him. He’s very obedient and eats the dog food we leave out for him at night. Very quiet too.

Never holds parties or whines to come in when it rains. The best tenant you could ever ask for, to be frank.”

“It’s really not so bad,” Clifford replied when reporters inquired about the living situation. “They give me baths from time to time.

Sometimes they even let me sleep on the couch!”

The MacInsons also weighed in on the housing crisis. “I know other students faced with dire circumstances are creating innovative housing solutions, said Ian MacInson.

“It should never have come to this in the first place, but living a little further from campus and shacking up with wacky roommates is better than being homeless. I just hope other students are taking those opportunities. Housing security is a huge factor in academic success.” Janet MacInson then noted to reporters, “Our neighbor down the street has actually been looking to rent out her catwalk if you know anyone who’s interested.”

First rule of satire club: punch up!

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Editorial Board Editor-in-Chief.............. ......Aniela Drumonde Managing Editor.........................Andrew Sitko Content Editor.....................Varsha Varkhedi Ass. Content Editor............Isabelle McKelvey Ass. Content Editor................Matthew Ware Design Editor.....................................Bri Arce Design Editor.............................Miranda May Graphics Editor...........................Sharon Roth Graphics Editor............................Maria Dhilla

Social/Publicity Chair....................Jacob King Copy Overlord...........................Adian Valdez Copy Empress.......................Gage Tanzman Web Editor........................................Jerry Wu Distribution Captain.............Adam Yoshinaga Distribution Lieutenant...........Kaz Nuckowski Installation Wizard..........................Jack Yang Self-Proclaimed Fun Aunt..........Natalia Nenn Muir Advisor......................Jason Thibodeaux

Staff Members

Putting our best face forward

Tuesdays at 6 p.m. themq.org

The MQ is proud to be a Muir College student organization. Printing funds for The MQ are generously provided by the Muir College Council.

Well, it’s the first issue, and I have issues. Just kidding! We had a lovely first production, filled with jokes, laughter, and increasing delirium.

And no, I don’t have any issue with the realization that we are already done with 28.1 — I’m saving my nostalgia at LEAST until 28.5.

I’m that kind of stone-cold.

I feel like it was just a couple of months ago when I first got introduced to the MQ, and had that little glow of pleasure when a few of my ideas got some chuckles. Back then, I had no idea the depth of dedication that everyone had to the MQ. All of the hours we’ve logged, all the tiny details that go unnoticed — this whole paper is infused with so much love. I feel like I could talk for hours about the community we’ve created inside the MQ, but I think the best advertisement I could give is the paper itself. Enjoy!

Aniela Drumonde

Ayushi Banerjee Mariah Barrios Shantelle Brooks Yuri Bukhradze Jade Coniglio Emily Cronan Melina Cruz

Rani Das Max Fine Tiffany Hamilton Gabrielle Hart Ashley Jones Tommy Jung Matthew Kane

Jina Lee Keshav Mittal Tomoka Ozaki Bryce Pollack Sophie Pubb Pilan Scruggs Mackenzy Tolliver

Arthur Torres Quoc Tran Benjamin Velasco Robin Brewin Paige Johnson David Umgebung

Booster Club Thank you to Aniela, Andrew, Jack, Kaz, and Sharon for bringing wonderful goodies to MQouse. As I always say a an MQouse without snacks is like MQers without an MQouse, MQers without an MQouse is like MQers without an MQ, MQers without an MQ is like the MQ without the first years we lock under the floorboards.

Thank you again for all the snacks brought!

September 22, 2021

theMQ.org

UC Regents Evacuates UCSD, Raccoon Insurgency Rises to Power

Page 3

worst campus jobs Vacuum Cleaner on Geisel 8th Floor

“One man’s trash is another man’s missile defense system,” said Drake.

BY ADIAN VALDEZ

U

Copy Overlord

ncertainty and fear struck the hearts of the UCSD community as UC Regents formally withdrew from the university on August 31st, leaving remaining students and faculty under the charge of the Trash Pandas. The evacuation formally ends the 61year campaign in San Diego, UC Regent’s longest and most unpopular mission in history.

Instead of rejoicing, many in the UC system are reeling at what has been, in lamest terms, “an absolute clusterfuck of a situation.”

The tumultuous operation began in April, when UC President Michael V. Drake formally announced the withdrawal.

As UC Regents began to mobilize, so did the Trash Pandas. According to Drake, “the prospect of the Trash Pandas overrunning everything and owning the whole campus” was highly unlikely, but by mid-August, the blisteringlyfast Trash Panda offensive had secured all seven colleges and breached Library Walk. UC

Regents continued to evacuate students and faculty in their stronghold at Price Center West until the end of the month, when the final truck left and the Trash Pandas consolidated their hold on the entire UCSD campus.

The end of the campaign in San Diego leaves an incredibly bitter taste in the mouths of many in the UC system.

“We all knew it had to happen sometime,” said Professor Oldenstein “61 years of occupation on Trash Panda territory and what to show for it? I couldn’t park in La Jolla before they developed it and I still can’t thanks to these damn Trash Pandas.”

Drake has defended the Regents’ handling of the evacuation, stating that he was “not going to extend this forever conflict” any longer.

“The UC system no longer had a clear purpose in an openended mission in San Diego.”

He blamed the hurried withdrawal on his predecessor, Janet Napolitano, who “made a deal with the Trash Pandas for the removal of UC staff

by May 1st,” and authorized

the release of several raccoon prisoners. “It’s a tough situation,” Drake said, but the UC president was adamant that the operation was a “huge success” despite the opinions of “literally everyone” according to a professor at UC Riverside.

Fingers designating who was responsible for the Trash Pandas’ capture of UCSD are being pointed in many different directions. Contrasting Drake’s faulting of the previous Regents board, former regional director Sarjent Armiman claims the UCSD administration’s “weak will” brought about its downfall.

“During my tour in San Diego, I dealt with many deans and department heads. UCSD admin was plagued with corruption, and the students just kept coaxing out the raccoons.

No wonder they surrendered immediately when the Trash Pandas came for Revelle, there was never a will to fight.” Others blame other educational institutions for “not doing their part” in helping Regents oust the Trash Pandas, or even funding and aiding them in underground deals.

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH Regardless of who is at fault, most everyone can agree that the future looks bleak for UCSD students and faculty. “I’m scared for my life,” said one anonymous student. “The Trash Pandas follow a strict, fundamentalist interpretation of the laws of nature. They’ve routinely executed people for not having school spirit, for loving people of the same major — for as little as asking questions in lecture. They horribly subjugate non-STEM majors, steal food away from students, and destroy Stuart Art collection pieces. I mean, we did force them into small spaces of land and go on murder sprees when one of them bit someone, but this is unaceptable.”

The end of the campaign in San Diego brings a long list of questions that need to be addressed, but the one central issue Muir students brought about was whether this will affect the ice cream availability in John’s.

Wastewater Taster

Campus Crier

Online Proxy Warrior Stuck in Infinite Loop

Moon Goddess

PHOTO BY YURI BUKHRADZE

“This guy is a moron,” said Pheer, responding to his own tweet.

BY ANDREW SITKO Managing Editor

K

yle Pheer, an online proxy warrior, is reportedly stuck in an infinite loop of deception and treachery. Between 4Chan, Reddit and Twitter, he has created alternate accounts with rich inner lives, who then battle each other in a comment cage match and create fake bait posts from their respective alternate accounts.

“Online proxy wars have become the mainstream arena for a select caste of specially-trained internet warriors, whose main goal is to push agendas through their adversaries’ spaces,” claimed Pheer.

“Only I’m adding more layers to make it even more obscure and inaccessible. I am both the adversary and the adversary’s adversary. This way, I can make everyone look bad.”

“My current account is actually just about to be harvested,” Pheer said. “I don’t post on newly created accounts, that’s

some cuck /k shit. After the account cooks for six months, I jump on one of my popular meme accounts to blow it up and draw attention. On this account, I’m @CutePumpkinCat: a trans lesbian who has gone through multiple hardships, who advocates for pedophiles to be added to the LGBT umbrella in their own space. ” Phantagasm, one of Pheer’s online associates, writes: “The thing about Pheer is that he isn’t a real person.

Kyle Pheer is just an openface alternate account of a person that died long ago. For all I know, the guy could be an evil toaster AI gone haywire. If you’re looking for a violent internet instigator, Pheer’s your gold standard.”

Phantagasm continued: “I’m just glad he’s on our side.

I can’t even tell who’s real in his replies anymore. For all we know, everyone on that thread could be real, or all fake. Kyle sets up fights and battles them out himself. There’s no winners: just endless cycles and

more idiots drawn to the bad takes like moths to a flame.

“This profile is clearly a fake, even if its a good one,” replied Antonio Rojas, a prominent centrist fact checker who is also one of Pheer’s alternate accounts.

This triggered @Dogluvr48 to respond: “Men in positions of power shut down women and marginalized communities so we can’t pass legislation to protect trans women. No wonder people are so hateful against peaceful zoophiles, they hate the LGBTQ+.” This sparked the response of @fascismdieshere, “You are NOT part of the LGBTQ+, if I knew where you lived, you dog fucker, I would bash your head in, just like those pig cops that I killed during the riots.”

“He might be the only one still fighting in that thread.

I mean you can never tell, they’re all degenerates to me.

But I think the guy’s stuck.

He’s in his own little battlefield, setting himself up

and knocking himself down.

I don’t give a shit about the other proxy warriors and they don’t give a shit about me, but it’s going to be hard to scare people into hatred without his arsenal,” said Phantagasm. As the Twitter algorithm finds new trending posts, Pheer proxies are being pushed into the shadows, but the fighting continues.

“We got a new incentive from a certain group who may work for some senators that could turn the 2024 election, so it looks like we’ll be leaving Pheer behind. I don’t care what happens to him.

He’s probably going to go crazy, or die from eye cancer, but maybe he’ll stick on long enough for one of his alternate account’s children to get really into My Little Pony and he’ll fix himself and grow up.

Who knows?” As Phantagasm logged off, another presumed alt of Pheer fired off: “People like you are why the age minimum for capital punishment should be 14, off yourself.”

Dr. Seuss Apologist

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theMQ.org

Local Crypto-Entomologist Finds a Bug in His Code

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA “Cockroach, null pointer, stick bug, ladybug, stack overflow, rhinoceros beetle, moth, caterpillar, infinite recursion, worm, centipede, millipede. These are my favorite bugs, in order,” said Turing.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

D

Staff Writer

r. Charles Turing, an entomology professor at San Diego State University and a full member of the San Diego Cryptologist Society, reported struggling to resolve an issue with his latest project, a bug-proof cryptography machine.

According to Turing, his machine is infested with bugs, most likely originating from his lab at SDSU. “This puts my entire work at stake,” Turing claimed. “The whole point was to make a machine that would be free from bugs, but when I was trying to write a simple Caesar cipher, I found a millipede casually strolling through the gears and belts, ruining the ciphertext. This is ridiculous.” The machine, by design, doesn’t have any gaps or openings through which bugs or any other small organisms can get through, making the infestation a mystery in itself.

Turing said that he came up with an idea for his inven-

tion after working on some puzzles in the lab. “I was killing time while those useless post-docs were playing Slither. io on their fancy phones when the idea came to me. It’s ingenious, if I do say so myself.

You would think that a bugproof code machine is useless, but I assure you, this thing would’ve made us win World War II two years earlier by blocking out enemy bugs and spelling bees.” When asked about whether his machine introduces any cryptographic advancements, Turing said that he was “so concerned with fixing the bug issue, the actual code part somehow became less important.”

After discovering the problem, Turing attempted to ask for advice in web forums and search engines, with queries including “How to fix bug-ridden code,” or “How to solve cicada crypto machine issue,” but found little success. “Every time I try to search for the solution, I always find something completely unrelated,” he said. “People always try to

ask me what language I am coding in, or what system I am using. Apparently, modern cryptography enthusiasts don’t even accept English anymore. I also managed to find something like Cicada 3301, and while it’s an interesting cryptography endeavor, this is the furthest away from what I actually need.”

Turing later brought up the issue to his colleagues at the university, including computer science and bioinformatics professors, but wasn’t able to find a definite solution. “I’m not sure what Charles actually wanted from me,” shared Rick Shapiro, an assistant professor in computer science. “He first asked me to help him with some cryptography issues. When he mentioned a bug, I was wondering if he was having an encoding or implementation problem. He said that his code was working fine, so I was even more confused. He also said something about cockroaches, and that’s where he lost me. He’s the entomologist, why is he bother-

ing me?” Another of Turing’s colleagues, linguistics professor Will Chomsky, refused to comment, only saying, “I am an etymologist, get it right!”

Turing is still struggling to solve the original problem of having actual bugs in his machine. ”I tried pest repellants, but those didn’t work due to the machine’s stupid air-tight design. I even tried luring out a millipede with a byte of an Apple, but that didn’t work either.” Turing has turned to pest control firms as a lastditch effort, but exterminators have reportedly refused to help, interpreting the issue as being “computer-related.”

Computer technicians, on the other hand, refused to help Turing because all of the agents in the call center were busy with other clients.

“I really don’t know where to find answers anymore,” Turing concluded. “Who would’ve thought that such a simple issue would lead to so much headache?”

the mq commits a perfect crime STEPS FOR THE PERFECT CRIME Step 1. Wake up, fresh faced, ready to take on the morning step 2. Put on a cute, but comfortable outfit! step 3. Walk to the store step 4. Enter the store step 5. Buy ingredients for your afternoon snack step 6. Hey, bananas! step 7. Flour! step 8. Totally need eggs step 9. Oh, they have paint on sale! We should totally get some! step 10. Baking soda, vanilla extract, butter step 11. Oh, definitely walnuts step 12. Walk home, thinking yearningly for banana bread step 13. Arrive home step 14. Bake banana bread!!! step 15. Oh shoot, I left the paint in the car step 16. Eat banana bread step 17. YUMMMMMMM step 18. Drive to campus step 19. Ugh, there’s no parking step 20. Draw fake lines for extra parking spots

September 22, 2021

UCSD to Give Out Commemorative Tents to Students as a Solution for the Housing Crisis

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH “As a Muir student, I’m really digging the return to nature. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss running water,” admitted Bartlett.

BY JACOB KING Soc/Pub Chair

A

t the end of the 2020-21 academic school year, UCSD announced that they would not be reinstating the triple housing option that was eliminated due to COVID-19. This decision left many second-year students without on-campus housing, forcing them to look to the surrounding area for residencies. The large influx of students needing housing has led to a large swath of problems, including rent price gouging and homelessness. This has led to students demanding that UCSD respond to the issue or “literally just acknowledge that this is a problem.”

Breaking from their previous pattern of silence, UCSD sent out an email to all students today detailing their solution for the housing crisis. “We know that many of our students are having trouble finding housing, and our sympathies go out to those affected by the crisis. Unfortunately, the situation is completely beyond our control.

While no housing options can be offered to students without housing contracts at this time, we are giving any student who requests a housing contract a UCSD-branded polyester tent.

We hope that this will help students while they search for more permanent housing and allow them to continue their education at our campus.”

Many students are outraged by this decision. “You’re telling me they have money for brand new tents AND A WHOLE NEW COLLEGE but not the money to house stu-

dents?” exclaimed one student in the UCSD ‘24 Discord server. When asked about whether their budget included the right allocations for student housing, UCSD admin responded by saying, “We felt it important that all of our students remember their Triton spirit, no matter what park or abandoned building they are living in.”

Some students are also saddened by the loss of the on-campus experience. “I know it’s not the most important thing,” said aerospace engineering major Barbara Bartlett, “but I really wish I got to experience living on-campus.

I lost my whole freshman year to COVID-19, and was hoping that this year would be the year I get to live the idealized college life that was sold to me

by Hollywood movies from a really young age. I want to go to parties, make friends with my random roommates, and buy weed from a shady dude who looks 40 years old yet still claims to live on campus. A tent isn’t really going to fix that.

On second thought, I could hotbox the tent, but that only fixes one of my many problems. The least UCSD could do is give us a free gram.”

Amidst the ongoing student outcry to the school’s response, Chancellor Khosla gave a speech to try and abate the student body. “I would like you all to have faith in me and the school in making the correct decision,” said the Chancellor. “We know this is a difficult time and there is only one thing that I would like to make sure all students remember at this moment: tuition is due September 17th.”

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald 10. Natural redheads 9. Mascots of late-stage capitalism 8. Contributed to the collapse of the USSR 7. Share the middle name “McLovin” 6. Survived numerous assassination attempts 5. Had immediate access to nuclear warheads 4. Ignored the AIDS crisis 3. Literal clowns 2. Neither has an alibi for 4:30 p.m. on July 5th, 1986 1. Surprisingly good in bed We’re not like other newspapers.

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

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September 22, 2021

LEGO US Releases Nation Building Sets, Parts Recalled for Injuring Future Generations

Page 5

New Sticky Notes Sell Out After Gaining Massive Hype

PHOTO BY SHARON ROTH One Typebeast said, “Damn, I sure hope this fad sticks.”

BY SHARON ROTH Graphics Editor

E PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA China has reportedly been buying the LEGO sets in large numbers, eager to get a sneak peek at US military designs.

BY KAZ NUCKOWSKI

Distribution Lieutenant

I

n what one anonymous builder has called “the biggest scandal of the 21st century toy industry,” “unknown to the world at large,” and “lost in the channels of time and obscurity, but for the tireless, brave efforts of one plucky journalist,” several parts of LEGO US’s new Nation Building sets have been recalled for causing emotional trauma to kids, toddlers, and children not yet born.

According to reporters, the sets contained dormant land mines and copious amounts of pro-US military propaganda. Many parents were also troubled by the impact of their toddlers’ “clumsy hands” in completed builds, as they willingly toppled entire governments in one fell swoop.

LEGO has defended the products, saying that they teach children patriotic ideals and that the company had no way of foreseeing the potential harm that could come to future generations through this. “Here at LEGO, we are all about empowering children’s minds with the tools to be creative: an initiative we call mutually assured construction,” stated a spokesperson. “Toy guns never hurt anyone! And they certainly don’t teach children that violence is always the answer. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: they teach you that you only need to threaten someone with a gun to get them to do what you want. Our sets show that five-year-olds playing with LEGOs could run a third-world country better than a democratically-elected president.” The spokesperson was then ushered away by a concerned legal representative of the company.

Many parents view the recall as a wake-up call. “I never realized we were exposed to such dangerous things and told to view them as normal,” said concerned parent Gwen Ayde in a Facebook post. “I always thought our intervention abroad was in everyone’s best interest, you know? I used to laugh when I heard that the White Savior was a bad thing.

What could Sandra Bullock ever do wrong, you know?

The White Savior Complex was obviously rooted in some kind of genuine desire to do good and spread democracy, and anything with such good intentions accordingly would have very good results. Then I found my child’s set: a terrorist state propped up by red, white, and blue 2x4 pieces — only a facade of friendliness and freedom. And I knew that something was very wrong.”

Ayde then enrolled her child in a school for troubled chil-

dren. “I was horrified to learn that the militaristic mentality used to discipline children in such environments only encouraged my child’s disturbing behavior! These children are treated like pieces in a puzzle, not complex human beings. Is there no escape?”

However, not every parent views the recall as cause for concern. “So what if Joe, after playing with LEGOs all his life, is now 25 and a Navy Seal?” remarked Cheryl Rogan. “He’s my little boy, and boys will be boys. He deserves to play around in Iraq for a little while and see if his meddling can make things better.

The lives lost along the way like pawn sacrifices are just pieces in a game that has to be played. None of them are American, anyways. We’re the greatest nation in the world: that means we know how to build one.”

the mq evades the cops after our perfect crime failed HOW HOWWE WE(tried TRIEDto) TOGET GETAWAY AWAY

step 1. Cover your eyes. If you don’t see them, they don’t see you This would obviously work. Everyone sees the world through the same perspective! Why are the cops still talking? Maybe they still see us? Let’s try something else…

step 2. Talk about the plot of the famous show Breaking Bad Ok so there’s this chemistry teacher in Albuquerque, New Mexico, who’s totally broke. His name is Walter White, which is alliteration, just like the title of the show. Lots of alliterations! Then he realizes that he can synthesize illicit substances in his underground lab. Oh, wait, that’s illegal….um…..

step 3. Run really fast NOW WE’RE RUNNING SO FAST. LEGS ARE ON FIRE. SHOULD’VE WORKED OUT MORE. PANTING SO HARD. LEGS GIVING OUT. CAN’T BREATHE.

step 4. Throw a red shell behind you Okay we made it to the car, get in! Get in! I feel like we’re driving in circles… did I just pass a baby driving a car? Let’s-a-go! Just 200 more feet to the finish line! Hopefully this shell will absorb the bullets while we do a cool drift around this corner. Oh no, they used a blue shell!

ver since their launch in August, textured sticky notes have dominated the famously bloodthirsty and cutthroat back-to-school stationery game across the country.

Office Depot’s new product sold out in under a week, leaving Post-it fans begging for more.

Those still hoping to get their hands on textured sticky notes will have to buy them secondhand. Office Depot fanatics, who call themselves “typebeasts,” have taken to snatching up all limited edition products and selling them at inflated prices. Something as simple as a pre-ripped sticky note could sell for five hundred dollars on reselling sites.

“Like, who would have thought? We’ve all seen sticky things, and pieces of paper, but this is a holy combination of the two!” enthused Aidan Schwalbe, a self-proclaimed Typebeast, active reseller, and founder of the San Diego Typebeast Facebook group.

He went on to discuss the components of Post-it notes, exclaiming, “All it is is a piece of paper with a slight stick to it, but not even that! It’s only sticky on an eighth of the back!

How ingenious!”

Typebeasts have taken to sharing their conquests on social media. Some share office supply hauls on YouTube, while others gloat in Office Depot’s Twitter replies. Recently, the Typebeast Twittersphere has been abuzz with talk of textured sticky notes, with many boasting “rare finds” in their local department stores.

After two weeks of the textured post-it drought, Office Depot announced the product would be returning to shelves as a part of a big back-to-school sale. Everything from “Swiss Army highlighters” to “edible gel pens” would be hitting stores for a limited time only.

Post-Its are the most highly anticipated products of the launch, coming in such vari-

eties as squishy, pre-ripped, and pre-written-on.

Typebeasts have been camping out in front of Office Depot stores for days ahead of their much-anticipated sale. Employees have shared photos of their impromptu campsites on Instagram. San Diego Office Depot employee Burt Lopez (@burtlopezzz) shared a photo of a queue captioned: “WE’RE OPEN. JUST COME INSIDE.” When Monday arrived and the sale began, all of the shelves in every store in the county were cleared out within 30 minutes. Lopez, who has previously shared photos of “#rabidTypebeasts” on his social media, shared his harrowing experience in an Instagram Live video. He said that when typebeasts flooded the store, “They were dumping shit into carts. It didn’t even matter what they were buying — they just wanted it. They call themselves beasts, which is accurate because they’re complete animals, working on instinct. Except animals don’t really understand creating artificial supply and demand.

They even beat up my coworker Adam because he wasn’t restocking fast enough.” The coworker in question, Adam Cobbler, was in the hospital with two broken ribs and a black eye. At the end of the day, the only product left on Office Depot’s shelves was their newest launch: a roll of gummy worms dubbed TapeWorm. “The resellers aren’t much interested in perishables,” explained Lopez. “That’s why it was the only thing that wasn’t snatched up by those back-to-school scoundrels.”

“After a long day of pummeling Office Depot workers, there’s nothing like eating a whole roll of TapeWorms to refuel,” remarked Schwalbe.

“It’s a shame the resell market is so focused on Post-Its right now. Anyway, if you want to stick it to the man, check out my shop. Or just stick it to the wall. I don’t really care.”

TOP TEN

Lesser Known Starbucks Drinks to Spice up the Fall 10. Twink drink 9. Impossible Pumpkin latte 8. Ricin macchiato 7. Gravy espresso 6. Decaf latte (just milk!)

5. Smashing Pumpkins spiced latte 4. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos latte 3. Liquid helium frappuccino 2. Parmesan espresso 1. Coffee with pulp

step 5. Offer the cops banana bread Ouch, we spun out! Then we drove all the way home. Ooh, wait, something smells really good. Right, we just made banana bread! Maybe we can offer the cops a slice. After all, the combination of walnuts and bananas is absolutely heavenly. Wait, that worked? I guess banana bread solves all problems.

The Fresh Prints of Bel-Air

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

Page 6

theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

For sale: iclicker 2, never used

Recruiting Thespians Please Date Me Call Kaz if interested or if you have indica :)

GET In

UCSD’s Prem Satire Newsp Wants Yo

themq.or

September 22, 2021

he Muir quad.

I saw you in t e first girl I’v You were the got here a min seen since I nk we’re soulute ago. I thi remember mates. I don’t your hair and the color of ight or what eyes or your he ing, but you you were wear I love you. I know it’s me. ylist for you. made this pla

nV0LVED!

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Page 7

theMQ.org

Join the MQ’s Discord Here

n A on a e m ve You ga ussion post, my disc ough it was even th I just copy obvious n entire sega pasted f the assigned ment o . I love you. reading uy you coffee b Let me

Page 8

theMQ.org

Raccoon Cult Offers UCSD Students Secure Housing

September 22, 2021

EDITORIAL

How I Cured Conspiracy Theorists by Selling Them a More Ludicrous Conspiracy

BY CHAD RÄHSERCHUR

Disillusioned Film Critic uman nature is to know.

The absence of knowledge haunts us, tears away at our sanity. I say to everyone I meet, from children, to bus drivers, to college professors I reserve large blocks of office hours with: epistemic validity is desirable to avoid uncertainty, which in itself causes insecurity and threats to our well-being. It’s a simple phrase, but effective.

Furthermore, the social component of the self-aggrandizing metaphysical wealth that we call truth feeds from the id and into the superego. This service towards the subjective truth is the nature of the conspiracy theorist, the anti-vaxxer, the birther, the genocide denier, the flat-earther.

How the brain, a complex organ, the pinnacle of evolution, could be reduced to a glorified copying machine for egregious falsehoods is beyond my comprehension — is what I would say, were I of lesser self-awareness and of lower cognitive competency.

Fortunately, my astonishing intellect has surmised a solution that trumps even the most rudimentary simpleton: providing a more inane alternative for a subject so already entrenched in artifice for the aforementioned ignoramuses supersedes their previous notions and modifies their perceptions to fit the truth, albeit in a roundabout configuration.

To evaluate my inquiry, I arranged a quintuple-blind correlational study analyzing 1,782 irrationally-minded dullards’ responses to being provided with a proposition of statistically higher fantastical quality than their currently held belief. For instance, I suggested to a young man who believed the moon landing was a Hollywood production that, instead, the director and producers of said film were Soviet agents attempting to produce a red herring meant to infiltrate the American public consciousness into believing the American nation untrustworthy. The bachelor was enamored, even going as far as to write to Buzz Aldrin asking for a “whiff of his moon

H Some students claim to have witnessed a demonic possession, but it was just a case of rabies.

BY EMILY CRONAN

W

Staff Writer

ith over 50,000 admitted students and a population of 100,000 raccoons, UCSD’s lack of housing for its human and animal students poses great consequences to housing security. With hundreds of students commuting over an hour, and others secretly moving into the abandoned caves below Chancellor Khosla’s seaside mansion, the situation has plunged a trident into the back of King Triton himself.

Since early August, a local religious cult called “The Midnight Raccoon Saloon” has influenced hundreds of students to turn to its selfproclaimed “rabid philosophy” and “rodent worship,” with the promise of total bliss, balanced chakras, and 25% off parking at a Best Western located in an undisclosed location around Regents Pizzeria. The remaining 3,000 homeless students have been urged by the university to take an urban planning related seminar in order

to better understand their unfortunate situation.

Hugh Jierko, a junior Biomedical student with a dream of “one day running a high-tech animal euthanasia center,” said the organization reached out to him over the job recruitment website Handshake with an offer he couldn’t refuse. “Listen man, If I’m going to put animals down for a living one day, the least I can do is learn to get down with animals, if you know what I mean. The Midnight Raccoon Saloon offered me a place to stay for free. All I have to do is join their tri-weekly rituals.”

What do these rituals entail? Freshman TrashBaby01 from Seventh College describes life within the Saloon.

TrashBaby01 has changed her name to reflect the cult’s policy of compost related titles.

“The organization has been training me to act as some sort of puppet. I fear that perhaps they are looking to breed a rare human-raccoon species of animals that can extract TikTok algorithmic data from the top labs in the San Diego tri-

state area.” Still, TrashBaby01 insisted that the continental breakfast and “bites” were preferable to the many studio apartment listings advertising at over $4,000 per month.

Student orgs and UCSD 2025 Facebook groups have been blowing up with speculation of the origins of this cult. One parent, Fayre Monjerer, believes that the group is a product of a summer internship gone wrong. Monjerer, whose son has joined the Raccoon Saloon, has spoken on the topic: “The med school rat race influenced my son to take part in a laboratory experiment that meant he would be separated from his family for 6-12 months, and I’m sure this Mason-eque hullabaloo is part of it.”

The lack of secure jobs and housing is a real threat for many students who, in some extreme cases, have turned to unethical practices in order to secure employment. In a recent study by Scripps Institute of Potionography, over 69% of Biomedical third-years at UCSD said they would agree to intern

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA with celebrity doctor Dr. Phil to clone microscopic labrador retrievers with Kanye West’s DNA and create a new “breed of creed.”

In lieu of recent controversy, the recent connection between a ring of La Jolla real estate agents and black market organ trade showcases the unreliability of a housing market in a college town that lacks bike lanes or bars.

The university, in response to backlash, stated: “If selling your soul or organs is off limits in your search for housing, we suggest a dating service that pairs students with wealthy residents of nearby old folks homes willing to trade acts of service for monthly allowances. Another off-campus resource is Torrey Pines Funeral Home, which has a deal on coffin rentals for up to 90 days — the only catch being sharing a room with withering corpses.”

Many students agree it is best to just drink the Kool-Aid, join the Raccoons, and rack up the student debt.

COMIC CORNER

socks.” A disarmingly distasteful development for sure, but nonetheless successful proof of concept.

Another notable anecdote was the juncture where I queried a middle-aged woman about her conviction that ivermectin was a suitable remedy to COVID-19. All it took to shake her faith was the positure that the horse-dewormer drug was actually a ploy by Big Pharma to ruin the intestinal fortitude of Republicans so that the Democrats could usurp power and convince God-fearing believers to avoid the perfectly functional Moderna vaccine. Her rush to the local Walmart for the jab was so expeditious that she forgot her baby-carrier on the roof of her car.

Perhaps my greatest achievement and most valiant struggle in this venture was the encounter with a rather infamous podcast host who had been known to air conjecture to the most fallible degree. Under the guise of an ex-FBI informant who had information relating to Donald Trump’s reinstatement as president, I hypothesized on the air that Trump himself was a “deeper state” operative who had launched the proposed reinstatement to solidify the power of an inner circle within the inner circle of the deep state to rule the United States from the shadows of the shadows. Even I, with my considerably elucidated consciousness, almost lost track of the narrative I was presenting. Complete with details about false flag operations and illustrated diagrams, I managed to convince the host as well as his hundreds of followers of the veracity of my claims. My prosperity was so great that I am now legitimately on an FBI watchlist on the grounds that I hold dangerous anti-governmental views.

My investigation concluded with strong confidence that the method of supplying absurdities in the face of farcical suppositions proves to be effective in rerouting the behavior of imbeciles. Further investigation may be required to determine whether the same tactics can be employed against subjects of slightly higher intellectual capacity.

To preserve the integrity of the experiment, please disregard any persons you consider to be observing you reading this article.

TOP TEN

Songs Secretly Written About Henry Frank Phillips, the Inventor of the Screwdriver

Crick in Your Neck

BY JERRY WU

Dear Evan Hansen, I’m Scared

10. You Spin Me Right Round 9. Harder Better Faster Stronger 8. Twist and Shout 7. Flick of the Wrist 6. Come Get Her (She’s Dancing Like a Stripped Screw) 5. Selfish, Cold, and Composed 4. Build Me Up Buttercup 3. Lets Get It On 2. Come Together 1. Crank That

BY SHARON ROTH

One of the newspapers at UCSD

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

theMQ.org

September 22, 2021

San Diego Vaccination Site Incentivizes Vaccine with Barrels of Funfetti Frosting

Page 9

Alternative PowerPoint Presentations ​​ Bland, old, three-to-five page double-spaced essay got you down? Are PowerPoint slides swimming before your eyes, making you wonder why you’re doing this group presentation by yourself? Are you bored of slogging through page after page of your textbook, sifting through endless images and text for even one iota of information that will be on your exam?

Then look no further than these astonishing alternatives, guaranteed to stun your professors and peers!

“Getting vaccinated sure is addicting,” said Schmobby. “I’m already on my third card.”

BY MATTHEW WARE Ass. Content Editor

W

ith COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations on the rise, local governments and businesses are trying to encourage the remaining unvaccinated population to get the vaccine. At one San Diego vaccination site, for instance, newly vaccinated people can take home a 55-gallon drum of Pillsbury Funfetti Vanilla Frosting, provided that the person can fit it into their car or scoop it into their purse. In what many are calling “pure American greed in the face of free shit,” some recipients have elected to connect thousands of straws together to bring a fresh tap of Funfetti frosting to their home. Whatever the case may be, interest in vaccinations is on the rise in San Diego.

Dr. Doug Howbowsky, a CDC-appointed official for the site, explained the events that led people to strap barrels of frosting to the roofs of

their cars: “At first, we thought people would get vaccinated for the sake of lowering their risk of contracting COVID-19, preventing serious illness in the case of infection, and protecting the immunocompromised. But with the rampant vaccine disinformation circling on anti-vax Facebook groups and pandemic conspiracy subreddits, it became clear that we would need to encourage people in a different way.”

“We started giving away these snazzy ‘Kickin’ it, Medically!’ stickers so that people could ‘flex’ on nearby unvaccinated kids, much like those ‘I Voted’ stickers you get at polling stations,” said Howbowsky. “But some groups of vagrant children colored in parts of the stickers and started sticking them on the backs of our doctors and nurses as some sort of sick prank. My back was sore before lunch, when I then realized my celebration sticker had been muti-

lated to ‘Kick Me.’ This was a huge oversight.”

“The failure of our sticker operation became less surprising as we soon learned that people were taking livestock-grade ivermectin instead of getting the vaccine,” continued Howbowsky. “My colleagues and I hypothesized that the recent trend in furry, brony, and pegasister culture might be responsible for this uptick in self-administered horse deworming medicine. Our solution to this was to start appealing to everyone’s ‘inner-horse’ by hand-feeding people apples, carrots, and sugar cubes with each jab, as well as calling them cute pony names like ‘Horsey,’ ‘Pestilence,’ and ‘Seabiscuit.’ We were able to rein in a lot of unvaccinated folks with this new strategy, but still, many continued saying ‘neigh.’ This is when we realized we had to bring out the big guns: 55-gallon tubs chock-full of the most divine substance on our

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN planet. And we’re happy to say it’s our most successful incentive yet.”

“Usually I tend to avoid vaccines, especially for my little ones, because of the threats of autism and microchips. The chemicals they put into those syringes are nothing but trouble for the human body!” said Linda Vinda, a La Jolla mother of two as she shoveled fistfuls of Double Chocolate Trouble Funfetti into her mouth. “But when it comes down to being proFunfetti or anti-vax, the frosting will always take the cake.”

“I wish they were injecting that colorful goodness straight into my bloodstream instead of this weird vaccine juice that doesn’t even have confetti sprinkles,” says Bobby Schmobby, an Oceanside resident. “But if getting vaccinated to protect myself and others stands between me and getting my hands on 55 gallons of fun, it’s a sacrifice I am begrudgingly willing to make.”

If you hate PowerPoint presentations, try…

… sending your professor a ransom note detailing the presentation topics! And while you’re at it, put in a couple … extra requests.

If the pressure doesn’t make them crack, try using Google Slides, mafia style.

If you hate writing essays, try…

UCSD Turns Class Selection Process Into a Gacha Game

...an intricate song and dance rife with symbolism. Your professor will be mesmerized and forget that the rubric necessitated Times New Roman, amongst other requirements. If that doesn’t work, tell the professor that your printer ate your dog and you’re “too consumed by grief” to turn in a complete APA-style essay.

“It’s like this thing is rigged so that I don’t get what I want,” complained one student.

BY YURI BUKHRADZE

I

Staff Writer

n an effort to make the class selection process more efficient, UCSD announced the successor to the course scheduling program WebReg. The new software, Course Impact, is projected to incorporate random chance into course enrollment and instructor selection, akin to a gacha game.

“We are delighted to announce a whole new process of enrolling in classes, doing away with all these ridiculous credit units, stupid class standings and useless appointment times,” said Dan Romero, a registrar at UCSD. “It will now be way less paperwork and headache for everyone. We even turned off our email inbox and closed VAC so those annoying students with questions about classes can’t bother us anymore.”

The system will assign

students courses and instructors according to a random chance scheme: Each course will be assigned a rating between one and five, roughly representing its level of desirability. In-demand classes will be given a five-star rating, while courses like HUM 1 or MMW 11 will be given a one-star rating. “It’s very simple to understand and use,” described Romero. “You get a certain amount of free classes you can try to get by random chance, and after that you will have an opportunity to get more by using a brand new currency system: Khosla Koins.”

Romero explained that students will have various ways of earning Khosla Koins, such as watching 30 minutes worth of “advertisements disguised as lectures,” or using leftover spring quarter Dining Dollars to buy them. In a showcase video, Romero demoed the

Course Impact webpage.

Romero used his one free “roll” (an opportunity to get a class), and received a three-star Math 20A class with mediocre CAPE reviews.

“Not great, not terrible,” said Romero. He then proceeded to demonstrate the process of buying extra rolls. “You can get one for $149.99, or buy a 4 pack for $599.99. It’s such a deal!”

When asked about the transparency of this gachalike system, Romero said that the system was developed based on the CSE department major application lottery. “It will be very transparent: if it says that the chance to get a class is 0.03 percent, then expect the real chance to be at least 10 times lower,” Romero said. In the demonstration he showed, the supposed chance of getting five-star classes, such as CSE 8A and CHEM 40A, were at 0.000001%.

PHOTO BY JACK YANG “We don’t want students to feel like it’s near impossible to get into their classes, so we provided an easy opportunity for them: if you take eight classes, you are guaranteed to have at least one of them to be four or five stars.

We believe that this will be very transparent for students, and will also help us shift more focus towards rather unpopular departments.”

The UC San Diego Registrar’s Office confirmed that the new system will be replacing WebReg as early as the following winter quarter. Furthermore, the official press release of University of California stated that a similar system will be used in general admissions to UC campuses, effective next academic year, while UC San Diego is planning to use a similar system for housing, “with five-star choices landing you a nice single apartment in Dayton, Ohio.”

If you hate reading and taking notes on your textbook, try…

...astral projection! This foolproof plan will allow you to witness the fabric of reality, which means it’d be so easy to find where in the textbook your professor will pull questions from. Honestly, even if this method eludes you, it beats sleeping with the textbook under your pillow hoping to absorb it.

theMQ.org

Page 10

Local Gamer Releases Manifesto on Video Game Monetization

September 22, 2021

UCSD Spam Quarantine Email Name to be Changed “Out of Respect” for Past Events

PHOTO BY ROBIN BREWIN “Any student who mentions the email will be put in isolation for 40 days,” threatened Khosla.

BY ANIELA DRUMONDE

One commenter wrote, “They need to make the Minecraft boobs not square anymore.”

BY JACOB KING Soc/Pub Chair

E

arly last week, local San Diego gamer Huey D. Louie released an extensive 100-page document on the r/gaming subreddit.

While the moderators took the thread down quickly, many had already downloaded the manifesto and are sharing it online. The document, entitled “The Utter and Complete Downfall of Western Society”, almost exclusively details Louie’s problems with monetization in modern video games.

“The dark serpent of degradation has entered our beloved world of video games.

It has slithered in unnoticed, so slowly and so carefully that even the strong and ever vigilant Gamers were not able to see it's dark body,” reads the manifesto. “The serpent has made our beloved pastime its prey; it has sunk its venomous fangs so deep that we are

not able to root out the poison with any ease. When you see a skin in League of Legends go for $28, that is how you know that the poison has spread, and our beloved hobby is nothing more than a rotting corpse being kept alive by uncritical sheep shoveling money into its bloated, decrepit body.”

The above quotation is just an excerpt from the document. Not only does it critique the monetization strategies of different types of content, but also the content itself. There are many sections that include detailed analyses of different types of video game content. One section in particular reads, “The amount of man-hours it takes to create skins that correctly show a large amount of female cleavage is quite lower than modeling them fullying clothed, meaning they should be cheaper to buy on the market. This further justifies why there should be more revealing female skin

in video games, as it will give more affordable skin options to players and cut down on development costs. The same does not apply to male skins, for reasons I won’t get into right now.” The author never follows up on this point in the extensive. It's not explained how conclusions like these are drawn, and it's unclear if the author should have the ability to make these claims.

While some on the internet have agreed with certain arguments or sections made in the manifesto, the majority of commenters expressed dislike of the document. Two large points of contention were the writing style and exaggerated claims. KingKDrool discussed Louie’s work in a Discord channel: “I mean, yeah, it does suck when games are released unfinished or they have payto-win schemes that take the fun out of playing, but I really think that calling charging 20 dollars for a skin in Fortnite

PHOTO BY JACK YANG 'extremely exploitative’ and ‘against the rights of man’ is going a little too far. Game prices haven’t really risen since the 90s and people expect more and more free content in updates. So what if game devs charge $20 for a skin even if the skins have literally no value?"

“There are also some weird opinions about women and marginalized groups that somehow made it into a manifesto about Fornite skins,” said another Discord user. Many agreed that statements about groups such as women, LGBTQIA+ people and all BIPOC felt out of place in a discussion on video game monetization. Interestingly, despite the large page count and the extensive amount of topics covered, there is no discussion about the problem of crunch within the video game industry or about how much video game developers should get paid.

COMIC CORNER

T

Editor-In-Chief

his past Saturday, a private meeting to discuss improvements to campus life and student mental health in the coming Fall Quarter was met with irritation rising from the reported “callousness” of the administration’s approach.

According to the publiclyavailable video recording, only around 10 of the scheduled 120 minutes were taken up by UCSD-centric news — 10 minutes which also allowed for both greetings, audio calibrations, and every single one of the scheduled board of members to show up eight minutes late. In the recording of the Zoom meeting, UCSD Chancellor Pradeep Khosla could be seen with a background depicting the UCLA Franklin D. Murphy Sculpture Garden, luxuriating on an ergonomically plush chair like an “indolent boy-king”.

At one point, Khosla asked for any ideas on how to make UCSD more student-friendly in “these uncertain times.”

Around the 15-second mark of total silence, Khosla spoke up, asking, “Anything? Anything? These kids are living in a world marked by rigid rules, an uncaring, selfish populace, and total uncertainty as to what regular college life could look like, being so far removed from regular university life. Their lives will forever be changed by these events: the scars they’ll have from this, the trauma they’ll face — oh wait.”

The dialogue was interrupted by Khosla’s alarm going off, to which he responded, “Oh, actually, I have a meeting with my contractor soon about a peace garden installation for my beautiful, large mansion overlooking the La Jolla coast — I’ve been so stressed recently thinking about how we can open a new college instead of making a parking lot. Smell ya later.” Khosla then immediately left the meeting, allow-

ing for no questions about his newfound catchphrase.

After 15 minutes of reticent discussion, a decision was made to completely eradicate any and all mention of COVID-19 and related words.

This then posed a problem to many, as, according to one official, “UCSD is filled with words like ‘unprecedented, positive, spread, cough, sick, medicine, health, tired, bad, sad, lonely, college, classes, finals, essay, success, failure, future, job, mortgage, taxes, and memories,’ which all seem to be connected in some way to the horrible events of the past year and a half, which we all agreed to avoid.” There was some question on whether or not these words would be censored or just deleted entirely, but the email regarding the meeting had disrupted the servers so much with newlyforbidden language that the entire email chain created an accidental subroutine which deleted every email poised to send for the next two weeks.

Students who failed to receive these emails did not notice. “What, you think I’m checking my emails?” said fourth year Heloise Bennet.

“I deleted all my phone apps five months after erasing all my social media handles three months into quarantine, and now I’m eight weeks into turning my phone on just to type some half-intelligible descriptions about the sleep paralysis demon I befriended two months ago. I’m existing in a fugue state, filled with oscillating bouts of complete apathy and total distress. I truly believe my body is now a liminal space, untouched not by time, but by suffering. I don’t even know how you reached me for a quote.”

After careful formulation, UCSD admin was able to send an email out that was not restricted by the subroutine. The email in its entirety read: “Pay your tuition. Love u <3.”

TOP TEN

Terms and Conditions

UCSD Return to Learn Meeting

BY SYSTEM 32

Now Open for Business

BY SHARON ROTH

BY MIRANDA MAY

Things We Did in Remote Learning that We Should Continue in Person 10. Skipping class 9. Secretly making fun of the professor while they lecture 8. Bringing a full course meal 7. Forcing your professor to speak faster 6. Staring straight at a hot classmate you’ll never talk to 5. Making yourself seem well-learned by keeping a bookcase behind yourself 4. Doodling on the white board while the professor is presenting 3. Farting really loudly 2. Sexting with your professor via private message 1. Showing off your Funko Pop collection

September 22, 2021

theMQ.org

Agricultural Revolution Erupts from Horse Dewormer Shortage

susan bagel

Page 11

Every Sunday evening, I made my beautiful family a scrumptious, rich lasagna. My husband, who slogged through hours of unpaid overtime late into the night with his boss, Amanda, would scarf down every bite. As soon as his plate was licked clean (metaphorically, of course), he would don his coat, nod at me, kiss our children, and leave into the night. I watched him as he drove away. He never looked back once.

I came into this world screaming. I always wanted to be heard. Did I know, back then, how much I would have to do to get even a crumb of attention?

PHOTO BY MARIA DHILLA

“We are not horsing around,” claimed Susie McCue’s neighbor.

BY ANDREW SITKO

I

Managing Editor

vermectin and other horserelated medications have long been out of stock following claims made by disingenuous physicians in the South that the drug could cure symptoms of COVID-19.

The shortage of these medicines, coupled with unexpected heavy rains in the South, have increased the amount of Large Redworms found in horses, causing a sudden and severe uptick in horse deaths. With the price of owning a horse ten thousand times greater this year, and the antiquated, almost archaic Southern horse care system causing issues within the community, friction has emerged between the owners and caretakers of these few, prized horses.

Tensions between the consumers and the horseowners in the South bubbled and eventually burst when Susie McCue stabbed George Brown in the neck during her Birthday Party Prancing Fun-

time Ragtime Lil’ Pony show.

Brown, the owner of the last two ponies in Georgia, had reportedly refused to show the ponies without advance payment on his original contract with the McCue family — a significant breach of contract that was upheld under the “Richest Man Wins All” Ruling of 1806. McCue, after being reminded of this, then stood on the table and stabbed Brown in the neck with acake knife still lightly coated in buttercream frosting.

Preacher George Henry of the Baptist Church took this event as a sign from God. During a sermon, he erupted, “This is a sign … from God! God has sent plague and violence upon our children, sent us soiling our own pants in the eyes of the Lord, all to punish us for erecting mechanized effigies that defy him!”

The church took to waging a war on everything automated, which began in the parking lot and eventually reached the farms surrounding the county.

With all mechanized contraptions disabled for 50 miles in every direction, the townspeople elected Pastor Henry as God-King and have revitalized serfdom in their small town. Although the town previously had almost unanimously voted for the Trump in the 2020 election, and residents were very vocal about personal freedoms, they are "satisifed" under the iron fist of their God-King.

Inexplicable events have followed the destruction of the machines. Those who spoke in local Georgian accents have changed their intonations to match English serfs from Monty Python movies. Harrison Blyme, an ITworker-turned-wheat-harvester, stated, “Is a sim-pul life. Me God-King, wants the wheat to be harvested, yeah, so we do the harvesting, for 'em. I used to do wicked things, a most sinful creature, but now I am a reformatted man, and I’ll go to Heaven and see the radiance of only God’s touch, if he be will-

ing, yeah.” The town has also donned raglike clothing and small woolen caps, and everyone has covered themselves in grime in order to “be closer to God-King.”

Susie McCue, the catalyst for this entire event, expressed her joy with how everything has played out. “All I ‘ad to do was stab a wanker ‘nd now all me friends n everyone gets to have a turn on the pony. That is when they’re not workin’ the fields. They mostly work the fields now, as our till to the soil plants the seed of the Lord, and showers the God-King with his many splendors.” Susie McCue is now employed as the town’s butcher after they recognized her proficiency with blades.

Not much is known about the future of “Henrystown,” but the inhabitants are hopeful. Unfortunately for the town, with their local hospital burnt to the ground, there will be no available room to house COVID-19 patients.

BRIEF WELLINGTON PRO UNREAL TOURNAMENT PLAYER REFLECTS ON 9/11 Jerry Stern, former professional player of the Unreal Tournament titles, has reflected on the events that took place during September 11th, 2001. “Unreal Tournament was one of the first team arena shooters that put FPS on the map, it was the Halo before Halo. E-sports was in its infant stages; there was no money or brands in it, only your honor on the line and the euphoria of grinding noobs into the dust. It was a crisp Tuesday morning in Jersey when I made my national championship on September 11th, 2001.”

Stern continued, “We had been playing for hours since 6 a.m., it was the only time a local bar would let us rent them out for cheap before business started. I was team captain of the Skyguys, and we were going up against the Devil’s Towers. The final match-up began at 9 a.m. In a close game, we took the win at 231-228. I remember running out into the street after we took victory screaming, ‘Never Forget the Skyguys destroyed the Towers on 9/11!’ After getting the absolute shit kicked out of me by my neighbors, I found out what else happened that day.

If only I had known; it truly was the worst day of my life.”

UC CAMPUSES CRIMI- BLUE’S CLUES DETECNALIZE USB DRIVES TO TIVE BUSINESS FAILS COMBAT ILLICIT BLACK It’s been 19 years since MARKET DEALING Blues Clues’ Steve went off to Pandemonium swept across campus last Wednesday following the announcement prohibiting the possession of USB drives on campus grounds. The UC President summoned a public press conference last Friday, declaring a “War on Drives,” labelling USB drives “Public Enemy No. 1.” The president stated that “due to their expendable and highly concealable nature, USB drives promote the widespread and unauthorized distribution of textbooks. We believe that outlawing USB drives will deter such inappropriate behavior.”

The next day, the president’s office was inundated with letters of protest. In response, a compromise was proposed to prohibit UC campuses from using textbooks that are re-released every year and marked as the latest edition. When asked his opinion on USB drives, the president responded, “I am open to compromise. But like our textbooks, my opinion towards USB drives remains largely the same.”

The president announced plans to place all approved textbooks and supplementary reading material under protection as per the soonto-be announced Secure Copyright and Administrative Mandates (SCAM).

college, and is now announcing a new private detective business. Many years of finding clues and solving mysteries seemed to finally be paying off, but mere months after the opening, Steve declared bankruptcy. Several of Steve’s past clients have spoken out to shed light on this turn of events.

Mailbox said, “Steve would only draw pictures of the evidence. He would never confiscate anything, never obtain photographic proof, nothing. They weren’t even good drawings: they were crayon.” Upon further investigation of his clue-hunting experience, Steve’s resume is not as impressive as it might seem. Steve never found a clue — it was always the children in front of the screen.

“We would scream and point to direct his attention to the obvious, blue pawprints and he would still struggle,” said one viewer, Ari Zona.

The Blues Clues “Big Musical” special also revealed that Steve is insecure about his failures. “He sang an emotional ballad about it. At the end of the song, he falls into a pile of boxes dramatically, and there he finds his first and only clue. With that in mind, Steve’s business failure was inevitable.”

ACRONYM CREATOR MISSING IN ACTION Emmaline Young, Doctor of Philosophy, was recently reported Missing in Action as of Thursday, 10:39 ante meridiem. Last seen getting a large sum of money out of an Automated Teller Machine in El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora de los Ángeles, her disappearance has been linked to her work at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration — specifically, her keen insight on a special project involving Radio Detection and Ranging waves and reality shifting linguistics.

Young, known for her very high Intelligence Quotient, would have responded quickly to any calls headed her way, so it is very likely she was forcibly taken. Deoxyribonucleic Acid testing at the site of capture has concluded that a foreign Special Weapons and Tactics team was involved.

A later message sent with a ransom request also included a Postscript threatening violence if the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Central Intelligence Agency, or National Security Agency attempted to find Young. Even so, a covert operation involving a suspicious amount of Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus gear was ordered immediately after word broke through of Young’s disappearance. As Young remains Absent Without Leave, the whole situation seems Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

After my husband, the love of my life ­— Mr. Bagel — left, I would tuck our children into bed, gently laying a blanket on them like a sheet of pasta over a pillow of ricotta cheese. The lasagna would cool off on the stovetop while my husband was letting off steam. I would place the cold lasagna in a Tupperware container, sealing away any hope of the loving, affectionate family I dreamed of since childhood.

Every Sunday evening, I made my beautiful family a scrumptious, rich lasagna. The next day, I would bring the leftover lasagna to my sister Susanna’s house. Susanna was always so tiny as a child. I don’t mean this as cute, she was frail. Every day she made a sound was a triumph. I, ungainly and desperately loud, was an elephant compared to a gazelle. Our parents would make me blow on her lasagna until it was room temperature, because God forbid Susanna burn her perfect angel’s mouth. If the meat sauce dribbled down her chin, I would wipe it away. She was three years older, but I was the one who had to grow up first.

No one craves lasagna. No one asks how the lasagna was made, what oven forged her into the bubbling, warm, delicious creation she is. But doesn’t she fill you up? Doesn’t she contain multitudes — a perfect blend of meat and cheese, tomato sauce and spices, layers of pasta folding everything together into her loving arms?

Lasagna every Sunday night. Does anyone miss her when she’s gone, when the casserole dish is scrubbed clean, when the taste in your mouth is one of regret? Does she not love? Does she not deserve love?

Every Sunday evening, I prayed for my sister to die. I was a child, and children are cruel. Adults too can be cruel. Family. Children. Husbands.

I have sacrificed so much to get to where I am.

No one I know has any idea what I do for them ­— what I thanklessly toil through every day of my life. But I don’t do it for the recognition, of course I don’t. I do this because I love it. I love it. I just have to keep telling myself I love it.

Each layer. I love it.

Anyway, here’s the lasagna recipe: 1. Layer meat sauce, cheese, and pasta sheets in a casserole dish 2. Bake in the oven 3. Serve to your family. Attempt to enjoy.

Muck-raking since 1988

THE MQ

Tuesdays, 6 p.m., themq.org

theMQ.org

Page 12

September 22, 2021

TAKE THESE CLASSES FOR MORE INFO

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Look up at the night sky.

Those tiny pinpricks of light may seem like they’re puny and ineffectual, but they actually are grand celestial bodies that directly affect your personality, romantic life, and future job prospects. This is inescapable. Good luck! Recommended: ASS 133

Don’t have animal guts to peek into Ancient Greek prophetic entrail reading?

Raw dining hall chicken is the next best thing! No class necessary - the only thing you need is grit, the patience to wait in line, and an iron stomach.

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The MQ Predicts your Future

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Numbers. Do they have meaning? According to many experts in “mathematics,” the study of numbers, numbers mean many things. Sometimes, these numbers can even dictate everyday life decisions! Take MATH 20D to figure out how you’ve been using numbers your entire life without knowing.

ANATOMY

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If you dream that you understand the course material and you’re confident in your grades . . .

If you had a sex dream about your TA . . .

. . . you’re oversleeping and missed your class

. . . you have an Oedipus complex and you constantly sabotage yourself. Please practice self care