THEMQ
Apply directly to forehead.
Vol XIII Issue I
UC SAN DIEGO
News in Brief Nation Remembers Five Years Later
September 20th, 2006
“I’ve drank more beer and pissed more blood and banged more quiff than all you numb nuts put together!” — Mary Anne Fox, UCSD Chancellor
Area Man’s “Lucky Condom” Provides Poor Protection
Rigid Woman Leaves Local Boy Stiff
“I guess the thirty-seventh time’s the charm,” muses reluctant father.
“It’s like the movie Mannequin II,” says youth, “except she never comes to life.”
Iran’s President Challenges Bush to Televised Pissing Contest
Early last week, the United States observed a day of mourning, remembering the tragedy that occurred five years ago. On September 10, 2001 Miami DJ Uncle Al was tragically shot and murdered, after a lifetime of promoting peace and harmony. Warren Sophomore Andre Wast stated, “I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news, I just cried and cried. America doesn’t deserve this.” One day after the five year anniversary of this tragedy, President Bush addressed the nation with uplifting words. “I know the past five years have been tough with no quality onair personalities, but I want to assure you that the local DJ’s of this nation are safer than ever before. Howard Stern has been fined and exiled, and we are battling other evil doers in KRAQ so we don’t need to battle them here.”
Russia to Send Madonna Into Space in 2006, Apologizes for the Delay Last Tuesday a spokesperson from the Russian Space Agency stated that the pop diva Madonna could carry out her plans to travel into space no earlier than the year 2009. The agency apologized for the delay by adding, “We know many people are eager to get rid of this washed up parasite, but it takes money to build rockets. But we don’t have money. Come on. We’re Russia. Madonna falls into a
See Briefs, page 2
By Gore Verbinsky Reverse Cowgirl
L
PHOTO By dan zembrosky
“Yes, I’ve enriched quite a few things” gloats Ahmadinejad, grasping and jiggling his “nuclear payload” for cameras. By Dan Zembrosky
I
Graphics Editor
n an effort to resolve differences with the United States, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged US President George W. Bush to a live pissing contest to be followed by a competitive “ball
weighing session.” Iran’s president has accused the US and UK of abusing their “special privileges” and said an oldfashioned pissing contest would let both sides finally resolve their long standing disagreements. The White House called his suggestion an
By Michael Swaim
T
WHAT ARE INCOMING FRESHMAN WORRIED ABOUT? Finding Friends Who Like You For You 3% 19%
Not Getting Crunk Enough
81%
El Chupacabra
42%
Running Into A HugHappy RA 17% Not Being Able to Download Pornography Fast Enough 98%
“unnecessary diversion” from global concerns over Iran’s nuclear program An additional pubic hair count-off was considered by the Iranian president but was rejected. Current international standard “pube-off” rules dictate that the pubic region is to be shaved, then the hair counted
by a neutral international “pube counting committee.” These rules would require the breaking of several Islamic laws that specifically ban “the shearing of one’s sacred lamb.” Not only is this challenge a strategic move to distract
See PISSING, page 2
inda Fishman, a paralegal and mother of two living in La Jolla, was recently diagnosed with a “dangerously abundant amount of pap” following a routine pelvic examination. “At first,” said Fishman, “I just didn’t know how to react. I mean, pap? Me? I use protection; I’m a married woman. How could this have happened?” Despite common misconception, the discovery of pap levels two to three times normal is quite routine, says Dr. Gregory Jasom, who administered the exam. Jasom has performed thousands of pap smears and won three “golden swabbies,” the highest award conferred upon an OB/GYN. Jasom claims to have spent years perfecting his “smear” technique. “While other medical students were out partying or networking, I was locked in my room with a store-bought latex vagina and an economy-size jar of Qtips.” “The Jasom smear,” which incorporates a staggering array of wrist maneuvers and finger rolls, has been credited with putting him at the top of his field. Despite his years of experience, however, Jasom says he has never seen so much Pap in one place. But, he is quick to point out that Fishman’s plight is not uncommon. “Pap is something you just don’t hear much about in the media,” he said, “but it’s an oozing, bacterial reality that women all over the world
See PAP, page 2
A.S. Resolves That All Students Are to Have Had Bitchin’ Summer
The MQ Asks:
Getting Too Crunk
Area Woman’s Pap Smear Reveals Dangerous Levels of Pap
PHOTO By Dan Zembrosky
A.S. has the most fun they’ve had all year, debating the varieties and amounts of fun had by others.
Editor in Chief
his week, A.S. resolved that all UCSD students are to have had a “bitchin’ summer.” The resolution mandated that every student should have enjoyed family cookouts, horizon-broadening road trips, and bittersweet coming-of-age experiences. Explained newly-elected A.S. President Harry Khanna, “We just wanted to start the year off on the right foot. What could be awesomer than a bitchin’ summer?” Khanna reportedly spent the entirety of his summer locked indoors, drafting the ninety-six page resolution. “I wanted to make it perfect,” he said, “so I denied myself the luxuries of carbonated beverages, television, or any human contact.” Because of this, he admits that his summer was actually a rather terrible ordeal. “But,” he added, “the resolution changes all of that.” “Now,” he said, shaking visibly from a vitamin D
deficiency contracted after three months without natural light, “my summer was bitchin’.” As Khanna’s statements and the text of the resolution make clear, this A.S. action is retroactive, reaching backwards in time and dictating events which have already happened. Many students are embracing the resolution, which Khanna inscribed by hand entirely on the inside covers of old high school yearbooks. One Muir student’s grandfather died last June, and while attending the funeral, she was “felt up” by an intoxicated uncle. Now however, according to Book IV, section XIV of the “Bitchin’ Summer Resolution,” she actually got together with an old boyfriend for a month of no-strings-attached sex and low-pressure dating. “And the best part is,” said the student, “this means Granpop is still alive.” When asked about this, Khanna forcefully reminded the student body that although the Resolution is fully endowed
with the awesome might of the Associated Students, is not magic. “No,” he muttered, shaking his head solemnly, “her Granpop’s dead as all hell.” He then added, “This is exactly why I’m pushing for the revised edition.” The revised edition of the Resolution, currently being discussed by A.S., is identical to the original version except that it bears a large warning label at the top reading “Warning: This Resolution is not magic.” Khanna says he hopes to push the revised “Bitchin’ Summer Resolution” through A.S. as soon as March. “In fact,” he stated, “I’m devoting all of my efforts to this important project.” When asked whether he would continue working on other initiatives he promised to spearhead during his election campaign last Spring, Khanna stated that he would not. “But,” he added, “I hope to have a retroactive resolution accomplishing those objectives finished by next Fall.”
Page 2
theMQ.com
POINT/COunterpoint God Must Hate Me
By Wallace Pine Unlucky Soul
Damn, God must hate me or something because my luck sure does suck these days. It’s like everything that could go wrong for me just
happens. For no reason at all. Get this, the other day my car broke down and I got stranded in the middle of nowhere at night in the rain. Then I got struck by a bolt of lightning. I know they say lightning never strikes twice but this is the fifth time this shit has happened to me. Oh, the pain was excruciating. No one came to help. I had to drag myself to the nearest hospital while still on fire. I used to believe in a merciful God, but now I’m convinced he’s just a bitch. It’s like He’s watching over me just to fuck in the ass whenever he gets a chance. Why won’t he just let me die? God must really just hate me.
I Created You to Be My Bitch, Bitch!
By God
Alpha and Omega See here you insignificant piss-ant of a man. I am your Creator and that means if I want to drag your charred husk of a body through whatever torture
continued from page 1: growing trend of governments sending obnoxious celebrities into space, including former boy band member Lance Bass, in an attempt to rid the world of their kind. A Russian official has expressed interest in including Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and “whoever can be crammed into the carryon luggage department. Possibly Gary Coleman.”
National League Has Record Six Game Losing Streak The entire National League of Major League baseball has had a rare six game losing
I can imagine then you should shut the fuck up and be grateful. And I can imagine a lot. I created all matter and life from that imagination after all. So you better just sit back and take it I can make it a whole lot worse. You remember the unicorns? No? Fucking little horses prancing around with their damn horns. I hated those damn things. Well, the same can happen to you. You’ll no longer be Wallace Pine, the four time divorced paraplegic survivor of five lightning strikes; you’ll be the worm scraped off the bottom of my boot. And it is one fucking big boot. I created you, so just take it and pray for more. streak. Though teams in this league only play each other at this point in the season, no team has successfully won a game since last Thursday. Sports analyst Flip Carmague said, “While mathematically impossible, it seems that there have been no winners in head to head competition for nearly a week now. The reasons for this are very complex and cannot easily be explain, but to put it in layman’s terms they just all suck hard” In last week’s head to head match up between the San Francisco Giants and the San Diego Padres, neither team came out on top. Padres Executive Brett Stolwalken stated “As long as we can get hot before the playoffs we should be ok. I know its aiming high, but I think we can win two or three of our next 15 games.”
continued from page 1: are forced to acknowledge.” Women like Linda are often racked with guilt and shame, said Jasom. “What they need to realize is that pap is a normal part of being a woman.” Jasom is a co-founder and CEO of “What’s Pappening?” a group dedicated to removing the social stigma attached to paprelated afflictions. Dr. Jasom insists that this discovery is not a sign of possible infidelity on Fishman’s part. Pap, he said, can be contracted through a number of sources. “For example,” explained Jasom, “the Fishmans have a pet bird. Linda may have gotten the pap that way.” “Although,” Jasom continued, “I’ve got to say, the sheer amount of pap that came out of that woman was truly astounding.” Jasom described the examination as “like opening flood gates, only instead of flood gates it was Mrs. Fishman’s vagina.” If current findings hold true, the pap found in Fishman’s vagina will represent the largest single colony of pap ever discovered. There is a chance, however, says Jasom, that the pap infesting Linda is actually several separate colonies, who have miraculously combined into a single unit. “How they got there, we don’t know,” he said, “but this could very well be ‘The Perfect Storm’ of vaginal infestations.” Pap, usually harmless, exudes a noxious odor and forms in clusters throughout a woman’s vaginal system, generally causing little more than embarrassment and the inability to wear a bathing suit without “spilling cottage
September 20, 2006
Profuse Pap Production Problematic
PHOTO By Michael swaim
Excess Pap from Linda Fishman is carted away for use in making blankets for impoverished thirdworld children. cheese everywhere.” In advanced cases such as Fishman’s however, pap has been known to render women infertile or even spread into other internal systems, causing paralysis and eventual death. Said Dr. Jasom, “there’s nothing sadder than losing a loved one to the ravages of a full-body Pap infestation.” Linda’s emergency treatments have included a schedule of antibiotic medications, daily pap smears and cervical scrapes, and a complete vaginal roto-
rootering At Fishman’s request, Dr. Jasom apprised her husband, Richard, and children, Gary and Lisa, of the state of her vagina. Jasom’s multimedia presentation reportedly included a slideshow, movie clips, interpretive dance numbers, and a vaginashaped hand puppet dubbed “Unhappy Pappy.” Following a brief round of applause, Richard described the display as “rousing and poetically relevant, yet quietly disturbing.” Linda’s children, who
reportedly clawed their own eyes out somewhere between the slide of their mother’s infested labia and Unhappy Pappy’s improvised showtune concerning the rigors of performing cunnilingus on a pap-swollen vagina, have been taken to the Children’s Hospital where they are both resting in stable condition. Doctors say they are hesitant to send them home, however, for fear that their mother’s ailment could cause an optical pap infection. “Once it’s in there,” said one nurse, “you can’t get it out.”
continued from page 1:
Presidential Pissing to Prove Prowess
from Iran’s dangerous nuclear program,” began White House spokeswoman Dana Perino, “but everyone knows the President’s piss can burst through the wall of the oval office, and still hit the Eisenhower putting green. In addition, a recent rumor that the President has been using the new perscription drug Flomax to increase the power of his stream has many convinced the contest would surely be nothing less than “dribbling embarrassment” for Ahmadinejad. Mr. Ahmadinejad was speaking two days before a UN deadline for Iran to halt work on its nuclear program. He said Tehran had proposed a framework for further
cocksmanship but said none could stop Iran from having a virile program. “Peaceful nuclear energy is the right of the Iranian nation,” he told a news conference while suggestively clutching and jiggling his crotch. “The Iranian nation has chosen that [course] based upon international regulations, it wants to use it and none can stop it.” He said Iran’s response to an incentives package, offered by six nations in exchange for a halt to its nuclear program, was an “exceptional package” to resolve the dispute, but “not as exceptional as [his] package.” “I suggest holding a live pissing contest and ball weighing competition
with Mr. George W. Bush to solve a host of international dilemmas,” Mr. Ahmadinejad told reporters. “The debate should be uncensored in order for the American people to be able to see just how massive my testicles are and they should not restrict the American people from seeing the truth.” “Like two grapefruits in an olive grocery bag,” added Ahmadinejad. Iran and many other nations “are against America’s practices of constantly sticking its dick where it does not belong” he said, calling such practices unjust and “unthrustworthy.” He accused both the US and UK of taking advantage
of their “special privileges.” These privileges began after the second World War and initially included the right to fuck the world every so often for their own benefit, but have since “taken to fucking the world right in the ass.” Continued Ahmadinejad, “They go ahead and cum right in our eye.” The Iranian president then went on to express his frustration with having cum in his eyes and remarked that this is “the origin of all disturbances in the world”. He went on to question their right to a veto in the UN Security Council. “Isn’t it time that international relations are founded on who can actually piss the farthest, not who claims they can?”
THEMQ
Editor-in-Chief.......................Michael Swaim Managing Editor......................Kevin Clark Content Editor............................Evan Bloom Asst. Content Editor.....................Drew Stark Design Editor..............................Utako Ueda Design Editor..............................Seth Lutske Graphics Editor.....................Dan Zembrosky Copy Editor................................Emily Knight
Distribution Editor.....................Jordan Damp Illustrator......................................Scott Baba Asst. Business Editor......... Dana Leindecker International Correspondent..James Newton Muir Advisor................................Jill Corrales HA Advisor..........................Anthony Dagget MQ Dad..................................Abe Epperson MQ Mom......................................Lara Pickle
Staff Members
The MQ: Even crude virtual models of us rock hardcore. Tuesdays, Half Dome, 6:00 “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” All content is copyright © 2006 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. Welp, my first production as the Big Cheese isn’t quite over yet, but I can unequivically assure you that it was a thin, flaky pancake of hell wrapped around a Category Four hangover. So, some sort of shitty crepe I guess is what I’m saying. The only thing more shocking than how long and hard this production has been (as evidence, I am too tired to go after even that most obvious of penis jokes), is how many MQers we had at the office, and how much awesome work and time they all put in. It really makes a guy feel welcome. I can only keep my fingers crossed that I’ll inspire this kind of effort from the legions of Freshmen who are flocking to our little party like moths to a hilarious flame. Although, if the two guys who sheepishly ducked in on Saturday night to stammer out a request for help obtaining alcohol are any indication, we may be in for some rough times. But that’s cool; I gots my homies, and the paper, which just keeps getting funnier the less they allow me to sleep.
Matt Barrs Megan Durham Danny Travis Nitay Joffe Ron Cootington Ashok Pathi Jon Hicken Kyle Smith Griffin Rowell
Benjy Wachman Ashley Davis Greg Beardsley John Miller Jordan Damp Andrew Hallum Megan Lee Randell Baltazar Meeshel Prado
Maxine Tuan Dana Leindecker Ray Mosco Michael Barrett Jet Antonio Jeff Goldblum Margot Leong Ross Wagner Justin Gutierez
Ryan Kloos Bill Bill Dani Janda Jesse Marin Anna Huang Zane Johnston Ober Demaray Alex Sinclair Michelle Gruneisen
Booster Club Special thanks to everyone for all the candy. That is all we ate: Candy. Candy and our own caustic words. Please recycle.
theMQ.com
September 20, 2006
TOP Twenty Dilemmas faced by the squirrel congress 20. Rampant nut bribery 19. Reprisal for poor government response time for squirrels displaced by last week’s Big Gust of Wind 18. Makin’ babies 17. Censuring of squirrel president for decision to invade a rock on faulty intelligence 16. 48 Billion dollar subsidy to improve overall tail bushiness 15. Pushing through nut barrel legislation 14. Shipment of tiny powdered wigs has yet to arrive 13. Emergency meeting to discuss repercussions of hijacked flying squirrels that were flown into horde of nuts being housed in the Twin Oak Towers 12. Oppressive legislation to keep liberal, black forest squirrel population down 11. Twitching 10. Trying to converse despite garbled language comprised of squeaks and clicking noises 9. Searching for WMDs, nuts 8. Recessing due to an unforeseen popcorn bag spillage at the park 7. Military funeral for those lost in the pre-emptive attack against the Axis of Power Lines 6. Passing anti-abortion legislation 5. Trying to converse despite garbled language comprised of squeaks and clicking noises 4. New rules of order preventing Filbert-buster 3. Crushing the liberal, pigeon controlled media 2. Legislation allowing the tapping of strategic nut reserves, in order to lessen dependency on foreign nuts and lower summer nut prices 1. Developing a way to tell one another apart
EDITORIAL
There’s No Such Place as Native America some fictional country and “noble heritage” to enjoy it. And another thing! The author of this book tries to deny it, but after extensive research I’ve come to only one conclusion: Africans love AIDS. I heard a story the other day, about how somebody was trying to teach Africans how to use condoms, to prevent the spread of AIDS, so they showed them how to put the condom on a banana. I heard from a reliable text crawl that an African prior to sex put By Francis Gilanglang a condom on a banana and left Cultural Anthropologist it on the nightstand like some ’ve been reading this book, sort of good luck charm. Guess Guns, Germs and Steel, about what? He got AIDS... and the bahow geographical differnana was ruined. ences are mainly what led to Honestly, I learned that the advanced societies and more whole banana thing doesn’t primitive societies. The author, work after my first boy was Jared Diamond, flaps his gums conceived. And I know there like an octogenarian hooker are some of you who would saying that there’s nothing that just blame this on cultural difmakes one group of people ferences, or failure to comsmarter than another, and no municate properly across ethgenetic reason why one society nic boundaries. But seriously, defeated another, that it was everyone knows the only way just luck of location. Let me tell to prevent the spread of AIDS you, this liberal treeis abstinence. Not hugging hippie of a even a condom on it turns “scientist” has got it a banana will perout that all wrong. suade Jesus Christ First of all, he there’s no from punishing you talks a lot about Eu- such place as for your sins. No, to ropeans taking land do that, you have to from the Native native america. live your whole life Americans. I was a not even in in the service of a little confused, and demanding father “south” I did some research figure that may or of my own. It turns america. may not exist. That, out, that there’s no and eat a cracker evsuch place as Native America. ery week. And drink some wine. Not even in “South” America. And, I think there’s something I looked at a lot of maps I’m forgetting, but the point is, from various time periods at least it makes logical sense. and you know what? Not on a Look, I am a serious ansingle one of them did I find thropologist here; I’ve done a place called Native America. lots of thinking. Sure, it was So to assume that these Euro- during commercial breaks bepean “colonists” just came and tween The Blue Collar Com“conquered” these so-called edy Tour--Man, that Larry the “Native Americans” is clearly Cable Guy is one of the most wrong. There wasn’t even a Na- highly evolved homo-sapiens tive America to conquer! I’ve ever seen--but still, that’s a More likely, some business- lot of time. Now there are a lot men just came up with the term of guys out there who are just as a unique theme for their ca- trying to make some money by sinos, and like setting up tents selling some books or teaching in the middle of the prairies and at universities, coming up with naming them after toilet paper. this bullshit about cultural difI’m not judging. I mean, maybe ferences. I don’t buy it for a secthese guys also like to drink a lot, ond. It’s just too complicated! get naked and dance through It took 400 pages for this guy the woods with body paint on. to explain what I’ve explained I’ll be completely honest here: in just a couple paragraphs. that’s one of my favorite pas- It’s this simple: there’s no such times too, but I don’t have to place as Native America, and go around spreading lies about Africans love AIDS.
I
Page 3
Warren Buffet Crafts 31 Billion Dollars Into World’s Largest Tax Shelter
PHOTO By Dan zembrosky
This pool of money, when not crushing workers, provides Buffet with excellent defenses against dangerous airborne taxes. By Michael Swaim & Dan Zembrosky Editor in Chief & Content Editor
W
arren Buffet, “the Oracle of Omaha,” announced last week that he is not, and is in no way related to, smooth Hawaiian singer/songwriter Jimmy buffet. “I’m simply not him, nor have I ever even met the man” he stated, visibly upset. He also added that he plans to craft 31 billion dollars, or what he calls “a pittance,” into what will be the world’s largest tax shelter. Buffet says he will begin construction of the shelter in the coming months, and hopes to be finished in time for April tax season. When completed, the shelter will take up several city blocks and be visible from space. “No taxes are getting in here,” said Buffet, while
soaking two-thousand dollar bills in a plaster of paris that he made primarily out of the ashes of any bills under $100 US that came into his possession. The blueprints for the shelter include two sun rooms, an atrium, and a Scrooge McDuck-style pool of gold coins. Two workers were reportedly killed attempting to swim through the coins when a fifteenfoot wave overtook the deep end. Mr. Buffet remains optimistic, however, and insists that a safe pool can be created, “With the right mix of currency, we’re convinced it can be done.” “Throw more war bonds in!” demanded a clearly agitated Buffet as paramedics fished out the bodies of the original pool workers. When the shelter is complete, Buffet has plans to hold a ribbon cutting ceremony and christening
gala. “I sure hope Bill can make it,” said Buffet, referring to Bill Gates, the secondrichest man in the world and Buffet’s only invited guest. He and Gates will reportedly sit on big pillows, eat s’mores, throw Molotov cocktails made of their “older bottles of brandy” at artwork they have grown bored with, and tell scary stories about lost receipts and the flat tax. After the shelter opens, many analysts expect to witness a giant leap in inflation, as 31 billion dollars is removed from circulation. “Normally a decrease in currency causes deflation,” noted Economist Eckard Weltrahm, “but this sum is so large that it is expected to bring the value of the dollar all the way around, rocketing it down through the lowest levels of worthlessness at breakneck speed and ending up greatly increasing its value for some reason we can’t yet
understand.” As the country undergoes severe depression, followed quickly by extreme inflation, Weltrahm warns investors to watch for people lining up to buy bread at the grocery store with wheelbarrows of money, only to be torn apart by savage looters when the value of their cash suddenly and dramatically increases. “In short,” he said, “it’s a good time to buy.” In light of Buffet’s own investing expertise, investment expert Ralph Reinhart predicts the mogul will “take advantage of the inflation, flip that property, and use the profits to purchase the Federal Reserve.” Added Reinhart, “It’s a pretty good bank.” When asked whether his brother Jimmy will play at the event, Buffet shook his head in angry confusion and loudly insisted that the press conference was over.
news in brief Part Deux Keith Richards Fined for Smoking Cigarette on Stage, Pays in Bags of Heroin Keith Richards, guitar player for the Rolling Stones, was fined while on tour abroad for smoking a cigarette on stage. Due to a lack of cash on hand, but with an ample supply of narcotics, Richard’s lawyers cut a deal with the local government to pay in bags of “premium, radioactive sunblow and/or smack.” Police Chief, Freddie MacCrampky, stated, “Secondhand smoke from even one cigarette represents a significant health risk to the public at large. However, the ol’ Hboomboom, well, that’s just a good time.” Richards, 124 years old, offered a public apology. “I know smoking kills, and it was inappropriate for me to do so in front of a public audience. If I could offer one piece of health advice it would be to go wild, do drugs, have fun, get laid, fuck nine Chilean prostitutes at the same time, while snorting coke off a donkey’s ass, and...” Several minutes later, Rich-
ards finished, “Wow, that one kind of got away from me.”
Definition of the Word “Planet” Changed to Include Michael Moore Last month, astronomers agreed on new definitions of what constitutes a planet. While Pluto was demoted to the status of “dwarf planet” due to its small size, documentary maker and political blowhard Michael Moore was included in the new definition. Astronomer Ray Wiggado stated, “Not only is he an extremely round large object, but he is also full of hot air and dangerous gasses, which could combust at anytime.” “Though we had previously had Mr. Moore classified as a full moon,” he added, “the new definitions leave us no choice but to reclassify him.” Many assumed Wiggado’s announcement was simply piece of political satire intended to make fun of the controversial filmmaker. Wigaddo stated, “Look, we’re not just trying to call him a fat-ass. We’re trying to call him a gigantic tub of lard who talks a lot and is full of shit.
Seriously, fuck that guy.” He later added, “I mean, fuck that planet.”
Tom Cruise Classified as “Too Easy” by Satirical Association of America Last Tuesday, The Satirical Association of America announced a ban on articles poking fun, mocking, or insulting Tom Cruise, classifying him as “too easy.” Spokesman Art Swift stated, “There’s no challenge left in making fun of his pygmylike height, or comparing his appearance on Oprah to a chimpanzee on crack, or pointing out the absurdity of his so-called religion by telling the truth about it.” He continued, saying that satirists would no longer “mock the publicity stunt marriage, or suggest that his baby is perhaps an alien, or remind people that every movie he has been in for the past couple of years has blown hard. It’s just unnecessary.” Cruise now joins the elite ranks of Michael Jackson and Rosanne Barr, both of whom are on the “no touch” list. President Bush is currently
listed as “dangerously overdone” and will become the first sitting president to be ranked “too easy” when he inevitably embarrasses himself in the near future.
Student Picks Up Hobby, Becomes Enthusiast Revelle Junior Pat Honiter announced last Monday that over the summer he picked up new a hobby. “I found that I had much more free time this summer than I ever expected. To fill this time, I decided to become an ‘enthusiast.’” He stated that he had long heard of motorcycle enthusiasts, airplane enthusiasts, and many others. “The options were just too many, I couldn’t chose just one. So I became enthusiastic about everything.” His current portfolio includes extreme amounts of interest and excitement for canned vegetables, collectable My Little Pony statuettes, and rare microscopic orange-speckled pieces of dust shaped like Teddy Roosevelt’s face. He has, however, stated that of all his enthusiasm, “the majority has been directed towards alcoholic beverages.”
theMQ.com
Page 4
September 20, 2006
Science Fiction Fan Disappointed to Learn Definition of Microbrewery By Evan Bloom
R
Content Editor
evelle Sophmore Ernest Chang, a lifelong science fiction fan, began drinking heavily last Thursday shortly after hearing about the existence of microbreweries for the first time. Reportedly assuming that microbreweries were newly invented nanotechnology based beermaking contraptions, building beer molecule by molecule with microscopic robots and high powered lasers similar to the replicators used in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Chang has since embarked upon a drinking binge in an effort to “try them all.” Chang’s roommate, Rob Nacter, later informed him that a microbrewery was simply a commercial brewing company that produces less than 15,000 barrels per year. It is reported that Chang was “deeply disturbed” by this revelation, and dealt with the disappointment by continuing the binge. In the past 6 days, Chang has reportedly sampled nearly 75 different microbrews, often drinking 7 to 8 different types a night. On his first night of drinking, Chang reported “I like the way Stone Company masks the highly technical achievements of the micro brewing technology with a more classic bottling technique using the Balrog from Lord of the Rings as their symbol.” He tearfully added, “It’s a beautiful mesh of science and fantasy.” Chang has purchased much of his collection at Beverages and More, enthusiastically stating “Bev’Mo has an even bigger selection than Quark’s Bar on the Promenade of Deep Space Nine!” Nacter broke the truth about microbreweries to Chang as the two of them were driving to take a tour of a microbrewery. Shortly after the tour, Chang stated, “Even if it wasn’t based on nanotechnology, I was expecting something more like the Cantina in Mos Eisley on Tatooine, as featured in Star Wars Episode IV, with music, fights, and lots of aliens. This was just boring” Since then, Chang has continued drinking. Nacter stated, “After the first couple of days, I started getting worried. Ernie said he was doing it for ‘scientific purposes,’ but now that he has moved on to Natty Lite and PBR, I think he might
EDITORIAL
The Sun is a Scam! Lens-ship), was initially only utilized once a week, on “Sun”day. Due to the intense heat generated by the machine however, the previously night-dwelling citizens were unable to bear much more than six hours under surveillance. As the years wore on, we adapted to the blinding light and searing heat of the sun, and the newly-formed CIA created a complex schedule of lengthening and By Ron Cootington shortening “days,” meant to Concerned Citizen create a false seasonal cycle sk most scientists, or, and necessitate the holiday of say, a dictionary, and Halloween. The government you’ll be informed that then stepped in and made the sun is a huge ball of everbillions investing in seasonal burning hydrogen. Wrong! clothing outlets and the big Fact: The sun is a huge candy corn conglomerates. ball of ever-burning bullshit Where’s my evidence? and CIA secret technology! Unfortunately, it was The sun, or “daystar,” “misplaced” (read “stolen has been around so long by illuminati-trained, that most people only rarely g e n e t i c a l l y - e n h a n c e d , question whether it might subterranean-dwelling be under military or alien molemen”). But the more control. But after years of important question is, where’s careful study, persistent their evidence? Have you ever prying, and the fervent been to the sun? Has anyone writing down of everything you know actually been to I saw during a the sun? I’ve weekend of asked everyone Fact: opium-fueled I know, and they dementia, it has the sun is a both said that no, become clear to huge ball of they hadn’t. So me that there how do we know ever-burning was a time before what it really is? the sun, when bullshit And why does mankind dwelt and cia the government happily in an tell us not to stare eternal night, or secret directly at it? What “Dark Age.” have they got to technology. During the hide?! Satellites, Dark Ages, men and women that’s what. went about their business As Occam’s razor states, without heed to “time of day” the simplest explanation is or absurd socially-contrived usually the correct one. And public nudity prohibitions. what seems simpler to you? Indeed, it was a paradise. That a gaseous body a million So where does the times the size of Earth and accursed, skin-peeling sun 300 million miles away that come in? According to my has done nothing but burn studies, the sun was first Hydrogen atoms for billions sighted in 1217 in a small of years is holding us in an town called Minsk in what is elliptical orbit due to some now the Czech Republic. That mysterious gravitational time and place, of course, is force that has yet to be tied to another important sufficiently explained? Or event: the founding of the that the original Nikolai first branch of the Masonic Tesla worked in concert Order, forerunner of the with the Masons to create modern CIA. an artificial, steam-powered Coincidence? Hardly. spy satellite controlled to Simply put, what you this day by a malevolent feeble-minded sheep call and pervasive shadow the sun is little more than organization comprised of an ancient, steam-powered key government officials, CIA satellite launched by the operatives, ex-KGB assassins, Masons and designed by and the recently “deceased” Nikolai Tesla in order to keep Pope John Paul II who, daily tabs on the populace. through a massive multiFor more info on how Tesla national cover-up, rewrote survived until the mid-20th history in order to convince century, see my article in the public that the sun had “Coots Monthly,” Tesla: always existed, instead of Twenty-Six Clones Later. having suddenly appeared in From what I’ve the early thirteenth century? gathered, the sun, or S.O.L. I think the answer is (Superheating Orbital obvious.
A
PHOTO By Michael swaim
A disappointed Chang realizes that the life-support system that keeps Vader alive will naturally reject alcohol, as his charred liver is unable to process it. have a problem.” In the midst of his drinking, Chang has announced that he has created a microbrewery closer to the design he originally believed the term was describing. “The technology uses Zerg Drones, as devised in StarCraft, to transport grain molecules to their proper location in the chemical structure of the beer. It then uses 17 high intensity
lasers, powered by dilithium crystals, much like those used to power a warp core, to speed the fermentation process.” Chang claims the design comes from a device that was barely visible 4 minutes and 12 seconds after the second commercial break in season 1 episode 7 of Battlestar Galactica. Upon hearing this, Nactor stated “I think the guy’s got a real problem. All he does
is watch Bablyon 5 on laser disk all day. I mean, anyone drinking this much should be out there getting in fights and trying to get laid.” Nactor reported, “ I knew Ernie hit rock bottom two nights ago, when I saw him repeatedly trying to get his Data action figure to drink beer out of a thimble.” Earnie responded, “Just because he’s an android doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy a good Hefeweizen.”
theMQ.com
September 20, 2006
TOP Ten
Crimes Karr Also Confessed to, But Did Not Commit
Page 5
Proof of Dark Matter in Adjacent Galaxy Lowers Property Values Worldwide
10. Premeditated Hamburglary 9. Eating the Lindberg baby 8. Loving too much 7. Stealing second base in the 1972 World Series 6. Dealt it 5. Displaying a flag on the left side of the bumper 4. Stealing the cookie from the cookie jar 3. Shooting JR 2. Manipulating the media to garner attention for himself 1. Suicide
TOP Ten
Reasons Puppies Are So Cute 10. They wiggle around a lot 9. They have tiny little teeth that can barely break through a baby’s skin, but they can if you train them well 8. Little puppy barks 7. Oh, they fall down 6. Puppy eyes 5. Puppy licks 4. Oh, god, I want a puppy! 3. Please mom? Can I please have a puppy?! 2. I’ll clean up all the puppy poops! 1. Awww, puppy poops PHOTO By Michael Swaim
EDITORIAL Alcohol Consumption is a Serious Undertaking It is essential you pursue a career that does not require you to be sober. For example, you should not work at a library, though you could be a writer. You should not work at a gallery, but you could be a painter. You should not work at the DMV, though you could be a school bus driver. Just remember, it isn’t alcoholism if it doesn’t interfere with your career. And if your career is professionally drinking, well then you’ll be goddamn By Francis Gilanglang employee of the year. Life Coach What do I suggest? Take back the webcam you lcohol is, above all else, a drug. This drug affects installed in your neighbor’s the brain and body by daughter’s toilet and set it up in your home. Set up impairing one’s judgments, a website entitle “Drunk loosening one’s urethra, hinBastard,” “Saucy Susan” or dering kinesthetic perceptions, and making members “The Totally Toasted Ted of the opposite (or same) sex Kennedy Vomitorium.” Allow people to chat live with attractive enough to awkyour inebriated persona wardly thrust towards and/or and command you to do, straddle. The act of consumdrink, or penetrate things in ing an alcoholic beverage should not be taken lightly. your home. They must pay a small fee, of One must carefulcourse. You can’t ly consider whethShould make a career of er or not they will Any family just doing things truly benefit from, member, for free. That’s or be able to act what Jesus did responsibly while friend, and we all know under the influbartender, what happened ence. to him. (As a The only or officer side note, Jesus members of of the law did not drink society who attempt vast portions of have benefited alcohol, though from consuming to keep he did produce a l c o h o l you from them at times. consumed very This is what we large, arguably your life’s “an enabler.”) lethal portions: devotion; do callNow that H e m m i n g w a y, not hesitate you have set Van Gogh, George a website W. Bush and, to cut thme up and cemented surprisingly with a knife, yourself into enough, Batman. lifestyle If you believe that beer bottle, a of drinking, you, and indeed or cocaine vomiting and the world can flopsweating it benefit from your blade. is fairly certain consumption of alcohol then true dedication that you will become an internet superstar, a meme is necessary. You must resolve to drink every day, of men, a YouTube “most watched” podcasting three times daily. Consider Money imbibing the drink as an act boozemongrel. will flow like wine, and of hygiene; first thing in the wine will flow like slurred morning, right after lunch, racial epithets from your and just before bed. Should any family member, friend, vomit encrusted mouth. bartender, or officer of the And if that doesn’t happen, law attempt to keep you you can always become President Congratulations from your life’s devotion, do not hesitate to cut them sir or madam, you have now entered the upper echelons with a knife, beer bottle, or of society. Bravo. cocaine blade.
A
Newly constructed domes effectively keep “anti-existence riff raff” out of normal matter-only clubs and neighborhoods. By Michael Swaim
T
Editor in Chief
his week, NASA announced the discovery of the first direct evidence that dark matter—an invisible but physically manifest antithesis to normal matter—exists, and is in fact the primary component of a galaxy adjacent to our own. This large mass of dark matter, say real estate experts, is sure to drive down property values on Earth, and indeed in our entire galactic neighborhood. Investors and new homeowners are wary of nearby dark matter, says real estate broker and part-time NASA engineer Tom Weimaraner, “and rightly so.” “This insidious substance is invisible to the naked eye,” continued Weimaraner, “and can only be detected through its specific gravitational force.”
“Well,” he added, “that, or you get it on camera sticking up the corner liquor store.” NASA scientists report that the massive amount of dark matter lurking in a nearby galaxy was once a part of our own. During a very high-energy cosmic event, this dark matter was separated, or “segregated” from the normal matter that comprises our galaxy. This segregation was first theorized in the landmark physics paper (Plessy v. Ferguson). Such an event would have been enormously explosive, says Weimaraner. “It was the equivalent of millions of supernovas, or, say, a race riot.” The dark matter in our galaxy was drawn into an adjacent one, while the normal matter was spun off and away, in a classic example of what sociologists and astrophysicists refer to as “white flight.”
White flight, says Weimaraner, is a normally recurring cosmic event, similar to other phenomena like redshift, blueshift, or grandfather clauses. Dark matter differs from the rest of the matter in the universe in several important respects. Primary among these is that, while normal matter is bound by four physical forces, dark matter is affected only by the gravitational force. Such “unruly and unpredictable elements” says Weimaraner, are bound to lower Earthly property values by a great deal. “Our only hope now” says Weimaraner, “is to use the gravitational force to our advantage, drawing the dark matter further away with something that will attract it strongly.” In this vein, NASA has already proposed plans to gather and jettison all of the world’s sour mash whiskey in a deep-space rocket.
Welcome Our Information Overlords With A Facebook Newsfeed
According to their report, NASA hopes that the attractive force of the liquor-laden rocket will pull the dark matter away from our galaxy and into deep space. If such a plan fails, the report calls for the immediate construction of “normal-matter only” clubs to help discourage the dark matter from approaching any further towards Earth. In conjunction with this, a series of low-income housing projects are being designed for construction on Mars in 2015, Jupiter in 2020 and Neptune in 2025, coaxing the dark matter further and further away from Earth. “It’s not that we have anything against dark matter,” added Weimeranar, “it’s just that we don’t really want it moving in next door, loitering on the streets, or seducing our daughters.” He then added, “galactically speaking, of course.”
We want to make you come. Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.
Page 6
theMQ.com
September 20, 2006
The MQ Guide to College Parties A Dorm Party It’s Saturday night, and once again your lack of a car has rendered you mirthless. But you do have half a bottle of 151 stashed under your mattress from the time your cool uncle visited. Before you know it, every student you have ever associated with is packed into your 10 foot by 8 foot dorm room. Teams of antijoy RSOs are probably already outside waiting for the least excuse to break the door down. Take care: they hate fun almost as much as they hate their hollow, crippling, shell of a life.
A Pike Party The Pike fraternity throws the largest, wildest and least rapeless parties at UCSD. If you’ve ever crammed 30 midgets and a polar bear trained to eat midgets into a phone booth, then you have an idea of the carnage. You’ll be crammed in so tight the walls will appear to be sweating, but, as the brothers say, “don’t let that harsh the cool.” Then they say “bro” a lot. Be warned: It’s a law of the party universe that the amount of beer left in the keg is inversely proportional to how far up in line you are.
An MQ Party Naturally, The MQ plays host to the best parties both on and off campus. MQ parties have been known to concentrate awesome to such a degree that it begins to liquefy from the air, literally getting attendants moist with radicality. Scientist Stephen Hawking warns that attending such functions breaks seven accepted laws of physics. So, if you enjoy having a good time with friends, or the unconscious bliss the inevitable onslaught of multiple orgasms brings, then be on the lookout for an MQ shindig.
Why yes, that IS a Boondock Saints poster.
I just threw up on some dude’s laptop.
What the hell happened to my laptop?!
My 8am workout was definitely better than my 10am workout.
Okay, you guys are all at about a “ten.” I’m going to need you at about a “three.” Cool?
d/dx(arcsec x = 1 |x| sqrt(x2- 1))
Wait! I didn’t show you my alligator tat yet!
Just shoot it in your eyeball, bro. No track marks.
It’s easy: affect is a verb, effect is a noun. Now, there are rare exceptions, and they are...
Stop it! That cunnilingus is just TOO good!
You remind me of a young Jonathan Swift
WOOOOO OOOOOO OOOOOO OOOO!!!
theMQ.com
September 20, 2006
Page 7
High School to College: A Primer Before
AFTER
Before
AFTER
With all the confusion of moving onto campus, you somehow forgot to order a refrigerator. But, you thought, why worry? Plaza Café is only 100 yards from my bed! But soon enough, you were jonesing for some of your favorite frozen treat, Otter Pops. Well, forget about it. They’re not sold anywhere on the entire campus. Now you’re going have to trek to your 8am class without your daily regimen of frozen, juicy deliciousness.
Little did you know, Otter Pop Inc. was experiencing some tough times. When you failed to buy the Super-Duper-Family-Max-Giganto Pack of Otter Pops, they dipped just under the number of sales needed to turn a profit. Tragically, they were forced to file for bankruptcy a month later, and as for you? You spend your days on the street bumming for sno-cones and reflecting on the sweet, sweet taste of frozen sugar water.
You barely graduated high school you spent so much time partying. While nerds were stuck at home hitting the books, you were out having the time of your life. This one weekend, at Grant’s party, you did the craziest thing! It’s too bad that no body remembers what it was. But man, from what we’ve heard, we’re pretty sure that it was awesome. And as for your other responsibilities, you figure you’ve got plenty of time to “settle down.”
UCSD was a bit quiet for your wild tastes. Of course, you did everything you could to solve that problem. You threw parties, crashed parties, crashed cars, anything for a thrill. At one house party, you found your roommate’s girlfriend’s douche bag, and used it to assist you in shot gunning an entire 30 pack of beer. You’re not quite sure what happened after that, but judging from the autopsy report, it didn’t end well. Ah well. Live and learn, right?
You spent your high school days dressing in black, listening to Marilyn Manson, and trying to stick safety pins and other sharp objects into every imaginable spot on your body. That little patch of skin between the thumb and index finger hurt like a bitch when you pierced it, but at least you were able to prove to your parents just how pissed off you were about that crappy sweet sixteen party.
College provided many outlets for you to succeed, and congratulations, you did! You finally achieved your high school dream goal of becoming vampire. You are now the dark lord of the underworld, dweller in nightmares, bane to all who love the light, swallower of souls and devourer of all that is holy. But, remember to watch out for garlic and wooden stakes. Those are a bitch.
You showed up at college, and right away your R.A. wants to take you on a tour of not only your building, but the entire campus. Rather than learning the route from Center Hall to CLICS, you spent the afternoon flirting with your new friend Cassandra. Later that night, when you walked in on her hooking up with your roommate, you got the feeling you might have made a mistake.
And you did. Sure enough, you had to travel from a lecture in Center Hall to a section in CLICS, but somehow you walked past WLH, Ledden Auditorium and In & Out, which you were pretty sure was only in PB. After 40 years of wandering, God finally brought you to the land of milk and honey: CLICS. Unfortunately, your section had already ended, and it was too late to withdraw without a ‘W.”
High school was a time for you to prove your devotion to your lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You did it all, holding the record for most converted citizens of third world countries and dutifully enlisting to defend Christmas in the Long War. You saw college as a key challeng e on the road to maintaining your innocence and chastity. Nothing, you said, would deter you from the path of righteousness.
As you walked to your first class, you sniffed the air only to smell the sweet aroma of Hebrew National Hot Dogs and Kosher Hamburgers. That’s right, it was Schmooze with Jews. More like Snooze with the Jews, but at least you got a new religion and some free food out of it. Jesus Schmesus, as long as there’s a burger involved, sign me up! How Jewish of you.
After defeating the frost dragon in the Ice Cave and obtaining the Airship from the depths of the desert by using the FLOATER, you now have access to the North and everything it brings. Travel to Bahamut’s cave and speak with the King of Dragons. He will reward your courage and requires the Rat Tail as proof of such. Use your newly acquired Airship to travel to the Castle of Ordeals and best the trials to receive the TAIL as your prize. Return to Bahamut and upgrade your class from Thief to Ninja. You now have gained access to BLACK magic and the ability to use nearly any weapon you come accross. Now you’re set for the final battle against Chaos. Only your courage and years of experience can see you through this epic battle.
You studied hard in high school, and it paid off. While not getting into Stanford or Princeton, you’re at UCSD, a close 32nd. In an attempt to rectify this, you’ve made damn sure to get straight A’s. It’s all work and no play for you.
No one believed that you didn’t have your entire 9 page essay written on the back of you hand during your Poli-Sci 8 exam. But you swear, you just studied really really really hard. You are expelled and move out west to become a lowly dirt farmer.
High School wasn’t really your thing, but by continually “dropping your pencil” in the middle of exams, you were just able to squeak by and get accepted to UCSD. You came, as many do, after confusing it for SDSU.
The strategy that worked so well for you in high school really paid off at college, especially on that Poli-Sci 8 exam. After acing your 9 page essay, you graduated early, and eventually became the world’s Youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 Company.
Page 8
September 20, 2006
theMQ.com
Flower Power Found to EDITORIAL Be Viable Energy Source I Am Physically Raping Your Childhood
By Michael Bay
O
Rape Enthusiast
h, God! That feels so good. Yes, YES! Nothing gets me harder than destroying the hopes and dreams of children. You can’t buy pleasure like this and trust me I’ve tried. I’m Michael freakin’ Bay! You know, the director of such cinematic gems as The Island, Pearl Harbor, and the new Transformers movie, if you want to call it that. I can buy any sort
of fun I want. Okay, picture this. You have This new Transformers Lion-O as a troubled young deal is the best thing to ever man from the wrong side of happen to my sex life. Just tracks makes it big ...doing thinking about all those nerds something…fuck if I know; trampled ideals about what is that’s what the writers are or isn’t acceptable for. But in the end for Optimus Prime he learns the true [Optimus] to look like fills me value for love from Prime could a prostitute with with a sweet, sweet satisfaction. Prime a heart of gold. be a young could be a young Damn, these write confused confused transvesthemselves. Fortite looking for his tranvestite get disappointing next fix of Energon summer blocklooking for buster by blowing sailors I could his next fix at the dock if I felt make a living on like it. Hey! That’s the destruction of of energon a great idea for a nostalgia alone! by blowing rewrite. And you Oh! Oh, nerds can’t do a ooooooooooh! sailors on thing about it. That just made the dock if I should rape me cum. Hold on childhood icons and get ready for i felt like it. more often. I hear round number they’re remaking the Thun- two. That Thundercats idea dercats with some new stu- gave me a second wind. pid ass extreme makeover. I sure do love raping Seriously, how many of those childhood memories. Only lame 80‘s cartoons were there. delicious tiger penis could
give me the manly virility to continue at the rate I’m going. Tigers can only last so long, but the salty tears of children could easily replace what my massive army of poachers is removing from this earth. I wouldn’t even have to kill the kids to get the tears. I’d just have to make Megatron’s mouth look like an asshole. Just like the asshole I plunge my throbbing tiger penis fueled erection into. I don’t have to even do movies to fuck with someone little bastard’s childhood. There are kids everywhere these days. I could totally go to an elementary school and take a massive dump on the slide. Some 6-year old sucker is gonna take a ride down that thing right through a puddle of shit. Hahaha, that’ll fuck with his childhood memories of playgrounds real good. Oh, God! There it is. Ahhhhhhh. That was real nice.
Father Offers False Promises to Child
PHOTO By Michael Swaim
Flower drilling stations string up in forests all over America in an attempt to preserve the environment for future generations.
time being. Though most vehicles are expected to be compatible with this technology, Huntercientists announced late last week, that years of re- bung warned that not all cars can run on flower power. “The search has revealed flower power to be the renewable en- VW Bug for instance, will likely ergy source that could replace devour the flowers as a parasite before they can produce petroleum within the next 10 energy.” to 15 years. When pressed for further Ottis Van Hunterbung, German botanist announced details on how flower power this discovery stating, “Imag- is produced, Hunterbung referenced his report published ine, instead of having to drive in a “reputable scientific jourall the way to the gas station, nal”, Ripley’s Beyou could just go lieve It or Not. The outside, pick some The U.S. article reports that dasies or roses from for flower power your garden, shove only has to be harnessed it in your gas tank, enough the plants must be and have enough flowers for buried for upwards power to drive for of 1 million years, days. My friends, the next 5 decomposed, and this dream can now years. After crushed under be a reality.” great pressure unHunterbung that we converted into stated “Obviously will become til hydrocarbons. different flowers are dependent UCSD Profesof different qualsor, James Pilgon ity. If you drive an on foreign expressed his old beat up, 1978 flowers. doubts after reToyota Corolla, viewing the plan. then some dandeli“Though it may seem like we ons will do the trick. Those are have an abundance of flowmore of a weed than a flower. But if you’re driving a top of ers today, the U.S. only has the line, 2007 F430 Ferarri Spi- enough flowers to power our automobiles for the next 5 der, like I expect to after selling years. After that we will bethis technology to the big oil companies, then you’ll prob- come dependent on foreign ably need to hunt in the Ama- flowers.” Huntterbung’s research did zon Jungle for a few blooms of the rare Southern Honey Bee however point out that since the U.S. invaded Afghanistan, Orchid.” their flower production has Outside reports state that it boomed. He stated “its like is likely there are fewer than 50 living samples of this species, they were just growing those making them infinitely more poppy plants knowing that flower power was coming. rare than oil. First experimented with Although flower power has in the late 1960s, nation-wide beneficial side effects, it will not decrease carbon emis- protests against the “child sions, and Global climate enslaving flowers” made serichange will still likely occur ous research into the power killing off all plant life some- of flowers a sensitive subject. time in the next 50 years. How- Since 1975 using flowers outside of the care of a physician ever, Hutter notes that “atleast has be classified as a felony. it’ll smell like potpourri in the
“Yes, you can be an astronaut when you grow up.”
By Evan Bloom
S
Content Editor
TOP Ten
NASA Improvements to Ketchup 10. One word: Catsup 9. Now 40% ethanol 8. Relish boosters 7. It now tastes like barbeque sauce 6. Thermal shielding that fails upon reentry 5. Now in powdered form 4. Plastic squeeze bottle that squirts with 99% accuracy in zero G 3. Hitting the “57” now actually makes it come out faster 2. More reliable O-Rings 1. Now it costs 8 billion dollars
PHOTO By Michael Swaim
Swanson proudly delcares, “I’m gonna go to the moon” before getting his head stuck in a trash can, tripping over a pile of his own soiled clothes, and falling awkwardly down a series of stairs. By Abe epperson
Humble Man of Noble Origin
E
arlier this week, La Jolla father Paul Swanson assured his 7 year old son, Steven, that he could indeed fulfill his youthful hopes of being an astronaut. Swanson, a local kindergarten teacher, then cursed himself for loving too much. It seems Steven has absolutely no chance of ever being an astronaut due to his health, height, and numerous other shortcomings that can be seen “just by looking at him.” While being interviewed, a Lego-playing Steven confidently exclaimed, “Daddy, look! I’m a spaceman.” Swanson desperately attempted to encourage the innocent tot, saying “what about a social worker?” As his father displayed a very normal, blandly-clothed
Lego figurine: “Look, I’m a social worker, I’m so cool, Steve!” Young Steven then decapitated the small plastic man, attempting to interchange it onto the shoulders of a dragon. Despite Swanson’s passive attempts to redirect the boy’s unfounded optimism, Steven remains steadfast toward his dream that will, all signs indicate, never be realized. Steven has reportedly choked on “upwards of fifteen” Mentel® Mars Rover Robotic Extender Arms in his 3 year history of playing with the line of toys. Swanson feels trapped by a desire for his child to follow his optimistic dreams saying “I want to encourage him to learn, but I checked, to be an astronaut you need to have great blood pressure and be at least 59 inches tall. With my genes, I don’t
think he’ll qualify for either of those. It’s just not going to happen.” An oblivious, young Steven then swung forward a slice of pizza and made a zoom sound. Recently, Steven and his parents took a trip to the San Diego Aerospace Museum (SDAM) per his request. At SDAM, schoolchildren at one point were asked to solve a “Moon Terms” crossword puzzle. Steven failed to complete even the simplest words, including “Space” and “Moon.” Nancy Swanson, Steven’s mother, was overheard gasping “Oh God, oh God! Someone needs to tell him!” Earlier today, Swanson attempted to reason with his son, bringing to light the dangers of working astronauts, citing the most recent tragedy of the Challenger malfunction. Showing his son footage of the event on
YouTube, the online video source, Steven failed to comprehend the magnitude of the explosion, purporting that “if astronauts love fire, then so do I.” “In school he hates math and has yet to show any interest in computers. But that kid sure does love paper clips,” says Swanson. “I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much.” And perhaps, that love is all that matters. However, Steven’s mediocre school marks and outlandishly confusing finger paintings seem to say otherwise. Despite his parents’ love, someday it seems that someone will inform young Steven of the likely failure of his childhood dreams. On that cold, harsh day, Steven will get a dose of reality and for the first time understand how truly far he is from the stars.
theMQ.com
September 20, 2006
POINT/Counterpoint
Samus’ Up-and-B Combo Makes Her the Best in the Game
By Larry Page
S
Spinning in the Air
implicity. It is the guiding principal to most martial arts, and is important as a principle for everything in life. If you date only one person at a time, you don’t need to worry about drama. If you focus on one task at a time in order of importance you will accomplish everything you need. If you use Samus’s up-and-B combo in Super Smash Bros. you will likely reign victorious.
In the game of Super Smash Bros. there are many characters with many different combination of moves. Variety can be a good thing, but when a single up-and-B transforms you into an impregnable mechanical egg that *bloop* farts out grenades at your opponents there is hardly any need for any other move, or any other buttons for that matter. Is an opponent getting dangerously close? *Bloop* *bloop* *bloop* taken care of. Have you received a blow that sends you thrusting upwards at 300 mph, careening towards the edge of oblivion? Just *bloop* *bloop* *bloop* your way to safety. Not only will it help keep you aloft and move you towards safety, but you might also happen to drop some bombs on other players that are busily engaged fighting each other. Incidental victory is the best kind of victory. Why plan to win when you just can?
Page 9
ACS, Resnet to Be Replaced by Series of Tubes, Hamsters
I’m Going to Kill You, You Cheap Motherfucker
By Brian o’Donovan
Off the Edge of the Map
A
fter this game I am going to need to beat to death a puppy I am so angry. I’ve played Super Smash Bros. for five years. FIVE YEARS. Every player has the respect and common decency to not pull this shit. Oh my god, again?! You just did it like five seconds ago. What are you N’Sync in 2000? I swear if you do the Up and B combo
one more time I am going to choke-slam you - Jesus fucking christ you did it again. Moses couldn’t part you the way I am going to part your face. Once this ends I am going to hurt you. Not like a metaphoric hurt either. No, I want to pound your face into a bloody pulp-shit, then burn your pulp-shit with a scolding hot iron. Then, I would set fire to your family and make them watch me eat your pulp-shit. Oh and then, I would set fire to the fire that is burning your family because no flame is hot enough to compare to my hatred for Samus right now. Uh oh, here’s comes a Falcon Kick, Samus, I hope you are ready for this. Closing in, and! Yougodamn-Perv-Nut. Again? I can’t believe this. This is like an upper-cut in Mortal Kombat 1, you cheap-ass. Whatever. Your player is a girl.
TOP Ten
Additions to Border Security 10. Wild Bears with a hankerin’ for some Mexican 9. Improve Mexican economy 8. Revolving doors that only open on Mexican side 7. A giant row of guns pointing towards Germany 6. Sanctions crippling Mexican catapult industry 5. Build bridge from Canada to Mexico over United States 4. Explain rationally to all immigrants that they are more free in Mexico than in America 3. A fence taller than the tallest ladder 2. Mechanize all garden work 1. Cheap immigrant labor
PHOTO By Dan Zembrosky
The newly designed internet makes use of hamsters to clear blockage caused by buildups of Chuck Norris jokes and penis englargement ads. By Dan Zembrosky
I
Graphics Editor
n a move being lauded by nearly every member of campus, ACS recently overhauled the school network by increasing the number of staff, instating a new traffic monitoring system and installing a 100% hamster-tube based information transfer system. With the addition of roughly 17,000 staff workers and over 7 miles of brightly-colored, translucent plexi-glass tubing throughout campus, ACS administrators are optimistic that this year will see much more user satisfaction than in the past. “We receive a watershed of complaints every year,” acknowledged ACS Manager Hank Stevens, “People send someone the internet on a Friday morning, and it won’t be received till Monday. We were treating the internet like this big truck, which was wrong.” “Now,” Stevens gestured towards a nearly endless array of neon colored tubes running through the ACS offices, “Now we have a series of tubes. More tubes than any other internet service provider in the world.” Stevens explained that
data will “get all stuck up” with “spams” and VOIP wiretaps and “the Myspaces.” “Those ugly-ass Myspaces clog it right up,” noted Stevens while attempting to send out several “internets” to his home office. “They’re all full of those videos – Ten movies streaming across that, that internet, and what happens to your own personal internet? I can’t even look at this slut’s profile without it freezing my desk up!” In order to combat these “data clogs” Stevens is employing a new technology. Rather than having the University transmit digital signals through fiber optic cables into an I-2 internet backbone, he is opting to route 17,000 nearlystarved hamsters through 7 miles of tubing who continuously pick up and drop off data from the internets. “I call it The Intertube,” beamed Stevens, “that, The Tubeosphere or maybe The Interconnected-Tunnels-ofHamsters-Transporting-HighLevels-of-Low-ImportanceSuper- Information-Highway. I haven’t made my mind up yet.” The main purpose of this hamster-based-transfer-pro-
tocol is to provide for interruption free internet service. Stevens explained that, aside from an unfortunate build up of fecal pellets in the tubes, the hamsters can keep the tubes clear by chewing through any obstacles. “They’ll chew through the Napster, they’ll chew through the spams, they’ll even chew through other hamsters if they need to,” explained Stevens. The hamsters rarely sleep, subsist almost entirely on Intertube flotsam and are absolutely adorable. There are some service delays, acknowledged Stevens. The hamsters occasionally mate, leaving data a secondary concern during furry copulation. This, however, results in more data-transferhamsters (often referred to as “tramfsters”). Data may also be delayed during prolonged treks to nowhere on spinnywheels. Hamsters love spinny-wheels, explained Stevens, “There is no denying that.” One side effect of the newly installed system is the opportunity for direct interaction between students and the internet. “Sometimes we distract the internet with pieces of food or tapping on
its tubes,” explained Warren Sophomore Stephen Whitaker, “My apartment-mate cracked the internet open and took one of the tramfsters as a pet, and sometimes we like to pour beer into the tubes and play ‘how drunk can we get the internet?’” Several dead tramfsters later had to be extracted from Whitaker’s apartment after they learned the answer to their question was seventeen cans of Milwaukee’s Best. Several rumors circulating about this new campus network have surfaced. These include stories about Stevens crawling into the tubes with the hamsters, hamsters eating rather than transmitting data, hamsters being abducted onto the internet and being forced to dance for “click-throughs” and lastly, that the internet is in fact less like a series of tubes, and more like an elaborate electronic system that actively transfers, manipulates and routes data via digital or optical signals that can be interpreted by a networked device, server or service provider. Stevens has denied any of these rumors as true with the possible exception of his “brief foray into Intertubing.”
National Consonant Consortium Ostracizes Y “Unnatural and grammatically unsound things have occurred,” says D.
By Kevin Clark
Y
Managing Editor
esterday the Consonant Consortium passed a resolution “shunning and vilifying Y for alleged misconduct in regards to his duties as a consonant in the English language. An in progress “5 dollar word investigation” will determine if the former chair of the Adjective Construction Subcommittee is to be stripped of rank and title. Unrest started last Friday after high school English teacher Mark Hoy took the stand in front of the Consortium’s Committee on Unconsonantian Activities. When asked to describe the make-up of a word he replied, “A word is made up of one or more vowels
and zero or more consonants”. When asked about words like sky, fly or buy, Hoy replied, “Well, ‘buy’ has a ‘u’, but in the others I suspect that Y is acting as a vowel.” “For example, in ‘biography’ Y is clearly masquerading as E” explained Hoy. “It may not seem harmful, but pretender vowels take jobs from honest, hard working consonants who have families to feed and mortgages to pay.” Added Hoy, “And they have kittens too! Can we really stand by and let baby kittens starve?” An investigation was immediately opened and N appointed Head Inquisitor. In a press conference Saturday, N responded to concerns that the search for “pretender” consonants would turn to a witch hunt. “We’re in-
vestigating a letter who thinks that there can be a word without vowels. We simply believe that the evidence on the “can consonants alone form a word” question is at a similar level to the evidence on the “who would win in a fight between a werewolf, a vampire, and Ann Coulter” question. Letters like Y somehow forget Coulter’s cybernetic arm and shrill nasal tone, coupled with her world class hamstring strength. Several leaders in the consonant community have come forward to offer support to Y. “He was a peacemaker” said C. “He ended the struggle for Consonant dominance by showing that when consonants band together they can form words on their own. He has been a good colleague and
a good friend.” Added C, “And one time when we were hanging out with Q he showed me this thing he does with his tongue.” A coalition of letters calling themselves Citizens for Free and Pure Consonants have released a statement condemning Y’s actions. “The coming together of letters to form a word is a sacred rite that must not be perverted” said D. “Our Lord Merriam-Webster College Dictionary Abridged has commanded that a consonant must always be accompanied by a vowel. If a vowel should choose a non-solitary life it too must find companionship in a consonant. For those that stray from this path there is only damnation, hellfire, and the shame of frequent misspelling.”
PHOTO By Michael Swaim
Upon the speaking of the secret incantation, Anne Coulter is forced to reveal her true form.
theMQ.com
Page 10
TOP Ten
Disadvantages of Being a Minotaur 10. Giant bull head, tiny man penis 9. Horns killed mother during child birth 8. David Bowie always bossing you around, sporting massive codpiece 7. Lost keys to labyrinth in labyrinth 6. Father can’t be trusted around good china 5. Centaurs think they’re sooo pretty 4. You live in the middle of a fucking labyrinth; your life is cold and lonely 3. Mother always showing up to dinner parties in furry costume 2. You will never be as good as the MAXotaur 1. Mandatory giant nipple piercings
September 20, 2006
Jews, Scientologists Gear Up For War Over Hollywood
TOP Ten
Highly Delicious Moments in Literature 10. Rhyme of the Ancient Marinara 9. On the Origin of Snausages 8. Chow Mein Kampf 7. A Farewell to Lucky Charms 6. A Midsummer Night’s Creamsicle 5. The Three Musketeers 4. A Million Little Pizzas 3. A Modest Proposal 2. A Brief History of Thyme 1. McBeth
TOP Ten
Tactics Used by the Old Man Against the Sea 10. Acted real nice before sucker punching it in the gut 9. Blew up the moon 8. Turned the urchins against it 7. Sat for three days floating alone with his thoughts for page after boring page 6. Peed freely and voluminouslyl 5. Drank it and spit it out onto the land 4. Figure-four leg lock 3. Purposely let the Sea walk in on him while he was sleeping with its wife 2. Pawn to rook four 1. Harpoons!
EDITORIAL
I Can Pee Off Any Balcony I Want! I Am Literally Full of Pee!
By Reggie Lindhart
Y
Daredevil Urinator
ou can’t stop me. Nothing can stop me! I am master and commander of an engorged bladder. Bloated is my piss bag and break the seal I MUST. I could go in the bathroom, but that would be too easy. No, no. My asparagus tainted stream demands more recognition, more adulation! I could put out forest fires, or blast dirt from walls, or even use the thrust of my amber discharge to take flight! I’d be a glorious windborne, peepowered, archangel of a man, sailing through the night sky like a kite tethered to the earth by a golden ribbon. I can hear whispers, “second star to the left, piss on till morning.” I just wet myself a little. Where, where did I put my beer down? He is my sidekick, Hugh Heffenwiezen! A pair of twat-hungry playboys gallivanting through the night in search of pelt and places to piss, we are. Alas, he is wounded and not long for this world.
It will soon be up to me to continue Heff’s dream of peeing into the breeze, and coming out dry. It can be done! I own a rain slicker! Hold – Hold on a second. I’ve got a phone call. “Hullo?” “No, no I left the party. I need to pee… I know there are bathrooms there, but I need something more.” “Haven’t you ever wanted more? Haven’t you ever wanted to dive to the bottom of the ocean, or climb to the top of a mountain and just – and just pee all over the place?” “No?” “I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.” “Yeah? Well fuck you! I don’t need you. I got The Heff. Ass.” Wait a sec. Heff? Heff, where’d you go? Oh God, I drank you! I DRANK YOU ALL TO DEATH! How could this have happened? I’m so alone in this world. I don’t even feel like peeing on Mt. Rushmore, or the Blarney Stone. I barely feel like peeing on a puppy. But you know, this isn’t my fault. He knew what this relationship entailed and I’ll be goddamned if I feel guilty for obeying the laws of nature; the food chain; the beer chain. It seems I dreamed too large, hoped too big and cried too hard. My salvo of urea, my arsenal of wiz-bang has been prematurely been exhausted. All I wanted was to do something great, and now I’m left with an empty bottle of beer and pair of wet Diesels that smell like urine and gasoline. Fucking asparagus.
PHOTO By Kevin Clark
Scientologist Tom Cruise uses his newfound superpowers of growth to demand closer close-ups in all of his films. By Ryan kloos
A
Staff Writer
n eerie calm has washed over Los Angeles, California since the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Security Council, after weeks of brutal street combat and artillery attacks, passed a resolution instituting a cease fire between then warring factions of the Jewish executives of Hollywood’s largest movie studios and the rebel Scientologist crusaders. The fighting between the two factions began three weeks ago when Scientologist extremists Tom Cruise and John Travolta kidnapped Michael Eisner, former CEO of Disney studios, after he refused to finance a movie the two actors had written based on the novels of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. In retaliation for the kidnapping, all major studios in the town stopped production on any project involving Scientologist actors or producers, after which Cruise, Travolta, and recording artist Beck used their considerable wealth and influence to raise an army of devout Scientologist followers. The group, which called itself Hubbzollah, an homage to L. Ron Hubbard, began attacking Jewish strongholds around Hollywood. When asked his opinion of the attacks, John Muir College Sophomore Brian Garret responded, “They got Beck now, too?! Fucking-a, man, I
used to like him.” professor of religious studIn the week before the ies at UC San Diego explains, cease-fire, fighting had be- “It must be known that the come increasingly violent. Scientologists believe that The Jewish backed group long ago the evil Lord Xenu Independent Studios Re- massacred an alien race that taliating against Escalating still exists on Earth in the Limited-War, or ISRAEL, had form of spirits that attack moved their ground forces, and take up residence in huincluding hundreds of tanks, man bodies at birth, but the bull-dozers, and attack heli- Jewish religion believes that copters, into the Scientolo- the Earth was born only days gist controlled areas north of before one man and one Hollywood. woman populated the entire Tensions were at their Earth by having their chilhighest when dren sleep with the ISRAEL one another. It both sides forces destroyed would be very a school house, were careful to difficult for any killing 36 chilreligions to avoid venturing two dren, because, get along when into the malibu one has such a as one general stated, “We had sense area, however, warped very good intelliof the history of because it gence that there the world.” was some secret Due to the is common Hubzollah activintense haknowledge that ity inside.” tred among the mel gibson, Since that two groups, a point, fighting cease fire was a well known has extended only able to be catholic, into all parts of reached when the usually calm outside forces owns malibu. and peaceful Los finally interAngeles area. Both sides were vened. President Bush stated careful to avoid venturing that he wanted to stop the into the Malibu area, how- killing taking place on his ever, because it is common own soil, but some have knowledge that Mel Gibson, speculated that Bush acted a well know Catholic, owns because, if the fighting were Malibu. to continue, Bush would not Many experts have specu- be able to start production lated that the clash between on his new movie W is for then two groups lies not only Wicked Awesome, which is in the desire to control Hol- scheduled to begin filming lywood, but in the extreme in the LA area next month. philosophical disagreement When questioned about between the two religions. this possibility, White House Dr. Jacob Evans, associate Press Secretary Tony Snow
admitted, “Well, certainly death and destruction caused by a large army trying to fight a war against a smaller insurgent force is not something that the president wants associated with his eight years in office.” Snow then added, “Whatever the reasoning was, I think that we can all agree that this administration is definitely going to side with the Jews in this conflict.” The Security Council’s cease-fire plan calls for a small, peacekeeping force to move into the buffer zone between ISRAEL and the Hubbzollah forces. Currently, the force is made up of mostly “C” and “D” level stars. Explains one spokesperson for the Security Council, “All of these has-been actors and actresses were simply excited to be invited to anything hosted by the Academy. We are accepting any waitress/actor, soap opera extra, former child star, or daytime television talk show host that wants to join.” He then added, “but Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres won’t be allowed to fight, for obvious reasons.” The peacekeeping forces, which are under the direction of Supreme Allied Commander Jeff Goldblum, have so far suffered one friendlyfire casualty, as yesterday Kathy Griffin was shot in the back of the head by a fellow soldier. Officials state that there will be no formal investigation of the incident.
Do you believe? DESIGN. ART. WEB. WHIMSY. Tuesdays at 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.
September 20, 2006
Page 11
theMQ.com
TOP TEn
Things We’d Like to Add Wings to 10. Penguins (real ones, this time) 9. A plate of celery and ranch dressing 8. Maxi pads 7. Scorpions 6. USA Network’s prime time line-up 5. Miniature ponies (in order to make miniature Pegasi) 4. The Koreans 3. Jeff Goldblum...no wait, he’s already an angel 2. Magic carpet 1. Pornography museum
Democrats Announce Plan to Win Midterm Elections: Defeating Themselves
Man Washes Hands in Strip Club, Feels Just as Dirty “this place is like a pornographic house of horrors.” Reportedly, Dinter calmed down a bit when he disarren Freshman Chris Dinter was taken to covered that there was an air dryer, off to the side of the Clairemont Mesa the sink. He once again atMental Health Hospital late tempted to wash his hands, last Friday night, after a suffering a severe panic attack in avoiding spreading the mess the bathroom of the Purring any further. Once using the Kitten strip club. Witnesses dryer, he began muttering “I swear, this thing is moanreport that as Dinter was being. I thought once I moved ing carted away, he was muttering to himself “must get out of my parents’ house I would never need to hear this clean.” again.” Dinter was treated to the After drying his hands, strip club to celebrate his 18th Dinter walked towards the birthday by his new suitemates. Shortly after Dazzle, a exit. However, as he looked down to turn the door knob, “bazongalicious” dancer aphe noticed that, according to proached him to offer a lap dance, he excused himself. He theme, it was shaped like an later reported, “I’ve looked at erect male member. When his hand made contact, it reporn a million times before, and it’s no problem, but then portedly began vibrating. At Dizzy came over to offer me a this point, witnesses reported Dinter fell to the ground, lap dance, and somehow the conversation shifted to how shaking, muttering, and, her father abused her and her some speculate, orgasming at the same time. mother was emoDinter’s roomtionally absent.” ...As he mate, Freddie Max“Knowing that,” son stated ,“After he added, “staring Attempted about 20 minutes at her giant knockto find a or so I started geters just wasn’t the dry towel, a ting worried about same.” At first, I Dinter says he used condom him. thought he was just then entered the dropped rubbing one out.” bathroom in order Maxon stated, to “wash that dirty out of the “When I walked feeling away.” dispenser, into the bathroom, Once inside, and saw him layhowever, Dinter spattering ing there shaking says he caught a what was and screaming, I glimpse of a gooey clearly stale knew I had to do white substance something. The on the faucet. He semen back only thing I could reportedly mutonto dinter’s think of was to get tered to himself, the strippers in “It’s just someone’s hands. there to help.” old soap” as he This only caused Dinter’s grabbed a handkerchief to turn the knob, attempting to screaming to increase. “I tried avoid any inadvertent contact to calm him down, by showing him my new dance,” said with the unidentified, punDazzle, “the Rotten Cherry, gent substance. When Dinter went to but that only seemed to scare him even more.” reach for the paper towels, he “This is the fifth time the noticed that they were a little ambulance has come this damp. He was then overheard assuring himself that the month. I can’t seem to figure place was “just a little damp.” out why,” said owner Romit Sanchez. However, as he attempted to The only other informafind a dry paper towel, a used tion provided by Marxon is condom dropped out of the dispenser, splattering what that when he found his friend on the floor, all he said before was clearly stale semen back his eyes rolled back into his onto Dinter’s hands. head were the cryptic words, It was then, says Dinter, “The handle was sticky.” that he began shouting that
By Web Tealeaf
W
Steeper
PHOTO By andrew hallum
“Yaarrrghh,” an elated Howard Dean screams as he ensures his victory in the 2006 Democratic Primaries, but not the election. By Evan Bloom
O
Content Editor
n Friday September 8, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean unveiled the party’s new initiative to make significant gains in both the House of Representatives and the Senate, by defeating themselves. Dean announced “Over the past six years, the Democrats have shown that they are weak, unorganized, and unable to communicate a clear message. Now the Democratic Party, in order to make significant gains in the midterm elections will focus on defeating the one group we know we can beat: the Democratic Party.” This new plan was reportedly thought up in light of
Ned Lamont’s recent electoral victory in Connecticut’s primary over Democratic incumbent Joe Lieberman. Despite an extensive legislative record in the senate, respect from all of his colleagues, and serving as the Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee for the 2000, internal polls Lieberman proved to be vulnerable. Party Strategist Fred Ambermisquen, and architect of the new plan, stated “If this lifelong Democrat can be defeated, we should be the ones to do it” Ambermisquen stated “Rather than spending our time and money fighting against Republicans, who we haven’t been able to beat in the past six years, we should just focus on defeating those likely to lose, Democrats.”
TOP Ten Difficulties Faced By a Man With a Cybernetic Arm
PHOTO By Evan bloom
This picture was taken moments before Dinter’s pants were yanked off by a freak flushing mishap.
10. Masturbating at 500 Megastrokes a second not as pleasant as it sounded 9. Glowing lights attract moths at night 8. Built in mp3 player holds only 200 songs 7. Faulty wiring on anniversary gives whole new meaning to “the shocker” 6. Clashes with wooden peg leg 5. Murdering people far too easy 4. Have to wear garbage bag on arm while going to the beach 3. Ass slapping now results in cracked tailbones 2. Microsoft operating system constantly crashing, causing arm to flail randomly; no longer welcome on the bus 1. It’s really heavy
Dean announced this plan in the form of a party platform, entitled “Contract with Ourselves.” In this platform the party announces plans “to cut and run from Iraq by July 2007, to raise taxes by at least 50 percent for middle class working Americans, and allow homosexuals to erode America’s Christian values by allowing them marry, adopt children and have crazy, erotic anal sex in churches, synagogues and preschools.” Dean stated “I know this plan seems risky, but with this one unified platform, we know that Democrats will be trounced all competitive elections in the midterm elections. If we can sweep the Democrats, then victory will belong to us.” Harriet Douser, Chief of
Staff for Senator Hillary Clinton, who is rumored to be considering a presidential bid in 2008, quickly came out in support of this new strategy. “Should this new plan of action succeed, it will greatly help Senator Clinton’s presidential campaign. She might not be able to beat any Republican’s in the general election, but as long as she is strong enough to beat all the other democrats running for president, that will be good enough” Political analyst Samson Pordenstien commented on the new plan “While have formalized their intentions, with the Contract with Ourselves, this really does not represent a shift in strategy for the party. Take the elections in 2004, the Democrats nominated John Kerry.”
theMQ.com
Page 12
September 20th, 2006
The MQ Guide to Inter-Campus Political Struggles Like a shiny, window-laden Quebec, ERC continues to try and fail to become an independent University. Roosevelt’s greatest asset is I-House, a home for international refugees and alcoholics whom inject class and intelligence to an otherwise pedestrian student populous. Since declaring independence early last year, it provides a valuable service as it falls outside the jurisdiction of any campus authority. Students can be seen running towards it yelling “sanctuary!” most hours of the night.
Thurgood Marshall College represents a neutral zone on campus like a tiny, less precise Switzerland. But there are more black people… in Switzerland. Its historical values of harmony, equality, and 1 a.m. breakfast burritos for all have helped Marshall College avoid conflict. Marshallpalooza attempts to help settle any other potential conflicts on campus by unleashing mediocre ska bands onto the campus annually.
John Muir College is a lot like a spring break getaway. It has the highest population density of attractive students, requirements that resemble a day at the beach, and an abundance of marijuana which also represents its one major export. Despite Muir’s dismal Unolympics record, they have fended off numerous attempts of annexation, and continue to mock Revelle in particular for its prison like architecture and tendancy to crush the spirit of its residents.
Most of the other UC campuses outsource the better part of their academics and customer service to Warren College. While their army’s infantry is relatively impotent, their elite bunny navy is the finest on the high seas. If you think thats not intimidating, read Watership Down. Or have a student in Warren do it for you. Seventh College has been the subject of many rumors and speculation. Like a sovereign Palestine, it may never exist.
Revelle College, the first built at UCSD is a natural Siberian gulag. Located annoyingly far from any places of interest on campus, only the most determined traverse across campus to the cold, prison-like heart of the Revelle campus. During the 1960s, a monk who had grown frustrated with his imprisonment in the Revelle campus chose to immolate himself rather than go on.
Introducing:
E-Z Chew Pregurgitated Meals for the Toothless
“The meal that goes in like a lion, and out like a lamb!”
Sixth College is like a third world nation and sends out refugees to the other campuses of UCSD without regard to their personal safety or wellbeing. Rumor has it that a chemical weapons cache was placed directly beneath FoodWorx and has been slowly disposed of through Chancellor Fox’s “oil in food” program. Recent intelligence has been uncovered suggesting Sixth College may have recently acquired nuclear capabilities, but UN inspectors are too lazy to walk across campus to find out.
In Memoriam
Steve Irwin, 1962-2006 The Editors of The MQ proudly support the Steve Irwin Memorial Stingray Killing Fund
Enjoy:
*Bread Pudding! *Pate de Fois Gras! *Mango Chutney! *Potatoes au Gratin! *NY Strip Steak! *A Bonus “Mystery” Dish! Learning Through Failure By Michael Swaim
You wrestled into our hearts, flaunted hubris into notoriety, and then swam into an 8 inch fish-blade. PS. You were awesome in “Dr. Doolittle 2!”