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Vol XIII Issue I
UC SAN DIEGO
News in Brief Nation Remembers Five Years Later
September 20th, 2006
“I’ve drank more beer and pissed more blood and banged more quiff than all you numb nuts put together!” — Mary Anne Fox, UCSD Chancellor
Area Man’s “Lucky Condom” Provides Poor Protection
Rigid Woman Leaves Local Boy Stiff
“I guess the thirty-seventh time’s the charm,” muses reluctant father.
“It’s like the movie Mannequin II,” says youth, “except she never comes to life.”
Iran’s President Challenges Bush to Televised Pissing Contest
Early last week, the United States observed a day of mourning, remembering the tragedy that occurred five years ago. On September 10, 2001 Miami DJ Uncle Al was tragically shot and murdered, after a lifetime of promoting peace and harmony. Warren Sophomore Andre Wast stated, “I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news, I just cried and cried. America doesn’t deserve this.” One day after the five year anniversary of this tragedy, President Bush addressed the nation with uplifting words. “I know the past five years have been tough with no quality onair personalities, but I want to assure you that the local DJ’s of this nation are safer than ever before. Howard Stern has been fined and exiled, and we are battling other evil doers in KRAQ so we don’t need to battle them here.”
Russia to Send Madonna Into Space in 2006, Apologizes for the Delay Last Tuesday a spokesperson from the Russian Space Agency stated that the pop diva Madonna could carry out her plans to travel into space no earlier than the year 2009. The agency apologized for the delay by adding, “We know many people are eager to get rid of this washed up parasite, but it takes money to build rockets. But we don’t have money. Come on. We’re Russia. Madonna falls into a
See Briefs, page 2
By Gore Verbinsky Reverse Cowgirl
L
PHOTO By dan zembrosky
“Yes, I’ve enriched quite a few things” gloats Ahmadinejad, grasping and jiggling his “nuclear payload” for cameras. By Dan Zembrosky
I
Graphics Editor
n an effort to resolve differences with the United States, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged US President George W. Bush to a live pissing contest to be followed by a competitive “ball
weighing session.” Iran’s president has accused the US and UK of abusing their “special privileges” and said an oldfashioned pissing contest would let both sides finally resolve their long standing disagreements. The White House called his suggestion an
By Michael Swaim
T
WHAT ARE INCOMING FRESHMAN WORRIED ABOUT? Finding Friends Who Like You For You 3% 19%
Not Getting Crunk Enough
81%
El Chupacabra
42%
Running Into A HugHappy RA 17% Not Being Able to Download Pornography Fast Enough 98%
“unnecessary diversion” from global concerns over Iran’s nuclear program An additional pubic hair count-off was considered by the Iranian president but was rejected. Current international standard “pube-off” rules dictate that the pubic region is to be shaved, then the hair counted
by a neutral international “pube counting committee.” These rules would require the breaking of several Islamic laws that specifically ban “the shearing of one’s sacred lamb.” Not only is this challenge a strategic move to distract
See PISSING, page 2
inda Fishman, a paralegal and mother of two living in La Jolla, was recently diagnosed with a “dangerously abundant amount of pap” following a routine pelvic examination. “At first,” said Fishman, “I just didn’t know how to react. I mean, pap? Me? I use protection; I’m a married woman. How could this have happened?” Despite common misconception, the discovery of pap levels two to three times normal is quite routine, says Dr. Gregory Jasom, who administered the exam. Jasom has performed thousands of pap smears and won three “golden swabbies,” the highest award conferred upon an OB/GYN. Jasom claims to have spent years perfecting his “smear” technique. “While other medical students were out partying or networking, I was locked in my room with a store-bought latex vagina and an economy-size jar of Qtips.” “The Jasom smear,” which incorporates a staggering array of wrist maneuvers and finger rolls, has been credited with putting him at the top of his field. Despite his years of experience, however, Jasom says he has never seen so much Pap in one place. But, he is quick to point out that Fishman’s plight is not uncommon. “Pap is something you just don’t hear much about in the media,” he said, “but it’s an oozing, bacterial reality that women all over the world
See PAP, page 2
A.S. Resolves That All Students Are to Have Had Bitchin’ Summer
The MQ Asks:
Getting Too Crunk
Area Woman’s Pap Smear Reveals Dangerous Levels of Pap
PHOTO By Dan Zembrosky
A.S. has the most fun they’ve had all year, debating the varieties and amounts of fun had by others.
Editor in Chief
his week, A.S. resolved that all UCSD students are to have had a “bitchin’ summer.” The resolution mandated that every student should have enjoyed family cookouts, horizon-broadening road trips, and bittersweet coming-of-age experiences. Explained newly-elected A.S. President Harry Khanna, “We just wanted to start the year off on the right foot. What could be awesomer than a bitchin’ summer?” Khanna reportedly spent the entirety of his summer locked indoors, drafting the ninety-six page resolution. “I wanted to make it perfect,” he said, “so I denied myself the luxuries of carbonated beverages, television, or any human contact.” Because of this, he admits that his summer was actually a rather terrible ordeal. “But,” he added, “the resolution changes all of that.” “Now,” he said, shaking visibly from a vitamin D
deficiency contracted after three months without natural light, “my summer was bitchin’.” As Khanna’s statements and the text of the resolution make clear, this A.S. action is retroactive, reaching backwards in time and dictating events which have already happened. Many students are embracing the resolution, which Khanna inscribed by hand entirely on the inside covers of old high school yearbooks. One Muir student’s grandfather died last June, and while attending the funeral, she was “felt up” by an intoxicated uncle. Now however, according to Book IV, section XIV of the “Bitchin’ Summer Resolution,” she actually got together with an old boyfriend for a month of no-strings-attached sex and low-pressure dating. “And the best part is,” said the student, “this means Granpop is still alive.” When asked about this, Khanna forcefully reminded the student body that although the Resolution is fully endowed
with the awesome might of the Associated Students, is not magic. “No,” he muttered, shaking his head solemnly, “her Granpop’s dead as all hell.” He then added, “This is exactly why I’m pushing for the revised edition.” The revised edition of the Resolution, currently being discussed by A.S., is identical to the original version except that it bears a large warning label at the top reading “Warning: This Resolution is not magic.” Khanna says he hopes to push the revised “Bitchin’ Summer Resolution” through A.S. as soon as March. “In fact,” he stated, “I’m devoting all of my efforts to this important project.” When asked whether he would continue working on other initiatives he promised to spearhead during his election campaign last Spring, Khanna stated that he would not. “But,” he added, “I hope to have a retroactive resolution accomplishing those objectives finished by next Fall.”